#also realized i've had this in my draft since forever

[cogitoire]

Kassandra & Brasidas, Amphipolis

#ugh just kiss you two #kassidas #kassandra #brasidas #ac odyssey #mine: caps #somehow recently i received notifs regarding my old kassidas posts #also realized i've had this in my draft since forever

[youalreadyhavefullresults]

the mindset journey

So hi.

My mindset has been evolving a lot ever since I started this journey, and I thought I'd lay it all out in one post. Subliminals, mindless affirming, scripting, visualization, states. I've tried so many things out, and I think I've finally figured out what works for me.

TLDR:

Stop “trying” to manifest or checking the 3d, you already have full results, creation was over like since forever.

Sure you know that you’re God, as the posts and everything you’ve seen tells you, but have you really embraced that internally?

It doesn’t matter how many posts you read, it’s up to you to actually change your mindset.

Logic is literally useless, be delusional (don’t you just wanna go ape-shit :), go get your fucking desires)

Time is not linear, and means nothing when manifesting.

Revision is so powerful, use it.

It’s just so easy guys, please just make sure you’re actually applying the information you see instead of just passively scrolling through.

And the rest is under the cut, happy reading <33

I started off in the subliminal community in Oct 2020 and just had so many limiting beliefs, it was sad. Not to shit on the community or anything, some of them are wonderful people and most of them have changed their mindset as well, but my initial knowledge prevented me from getting to this point until now. But, now I’m here, and a day after I wrote this in my drafts, I literally manifested my ideal life. I originally started this blog to collect advice from loa blogs, but honestly, I don’t need any of it anymore. Though I do like helping people, so if you have any questions, feel free to shoot me an ask.

The Initial Mindset:

I always read through countless posts that say “You’re God” and “You literally can get what you want without even trying.” While I understood the text and adopted the mindset, I still did little subconscious things that contradicted it. While I affirmed my self-concept was perfect, I would also cram-study for exams and worry I would fail. I would say I look perfect, but then also worry about the way my body looked. Also, the way that I literally became obsessed with loa media? I spent hours watching Sammy Ingram videos, looping subliminals, and reading tumblr posts on “how to manifest faster and better”. During this phase of my life, my mind was plagued with intrusive thoughts and my self-concept was slowly getting better, but still absolute shit. I would manifest things here and there, but nothing life-changing.

The main problem however, was the fact that I would treat manifesting like a task I HAD to do. Now that school was back in session, I literally would zone out during specific classes on purpose and just affirm to myself. I would feel bad if I hadn’t listened to my subliminal playlist for the day because I “wasted time in getting my desires”. There’s nothing wrong with vainly affirming or listening to subs if you believe it works, but for me, treating manifesting like a task meant that I was looking for an outcome. Clearly, now I know better, that everything is always done and that there’s nothing to complete, but back then, this was probably the main reason why I struggled to see full results easily. I was acting out of desperation and didn't believe manifestation already was done.

When Everything Changed:

I know that it’s different for everyone, but my “aha!” moment was probably when I read this post. Seriously, go read it, it made me realize that I was going about it all wrong. Now, it wasn’t learning how to perfect my manifesting, it was learning to pull out the tiny limiting beliefs that had burrowed its way into my subconscious.

For example,

“I need to do xyz so that I can get my manifestations.”

Why would I would need to do anything if I already have all of my manifestations hmm? It’s literally already done. Like there’s no need to put in that effort into something that’s already perfect right? So why do I need to even need to try? I literally get whatever tf I want without even trying. This doesn’t mean that every method out there is useless, but in the end, you are the one doing the manifesting, not the method.

“But... this makes absolutely no logical sense! How would this even work?”

I know that STEM me loves finding the logic behind everything, so that’s why I struggled a lot with the logic and time aspect. But darling, it doesn’t need to make sense. There are literally so many things in the world that scientists to this day can’t explain, including just how powerful and complex your brain is. Not to mention the fact that concepts such as logic and science are literally man-made too? What’s the point in trying to deal with logic? Just let go and have fun.

“I affirmed so hard, and I believed it. But then it never showed up when the time came.”

First off, your time spent affirming means nothing, sorry to break it to you. It’s about the mindset(your state if you will) you currently exist in that truly makes a difference. And just because it didn’t show up today doesn’t mean that you missed your window of opportunity. Revision is still manifesting, because time is not a linear concept. Anything at any time can just change with a snap of your fingers. You want to change all of your test scores? Bam, it’s done. you wish WW2 never happened? Bam, it’s done. You want to relive the past 5 years of your life? Bam, it’s done. It doesn’t matter what the event is, what time it is, or that you “didn’t do it before the deadline”. Whenever you do get it(which is instant/soon if you're persisting properly), it will be there, seamlessly blended in with your 3d. You don’t need to worry about a damn thing, your subconscious will take care of everything for you.

“Oh no! I just had intrusive thoughts, did I just mess up my manifestations?”

Why are you giving intrusive thoughts the power to do anything? Sure, you may get them, but that doesn’t mean that they have any effect on you. It’s the doubt they make you feel in your mindset that truly messes it up. Don’t give in. Acknowledge the thought, accept that it literally means nothing, and continue to persist. Your thoughts only have the power you give them.

“Nah, everyone has to be lying, this doesn’t seem real.” / ”Manifesting must just be a coincidence, there’s no way this is real.”

Oh? So you’re saying, the amount of posts you’ve seen, all of the success stories, all of the followers and comments, are you saying every single one of them is lying? No. I’m not saying that every single one of them is truthful, but there’s no way that every single one of them would lie and put this much work into something that’s not real. If you find yourself struggling to believe in the law, I’d suggest you try to manifest something small, and then build up your belief from there. I sure as hell didn’t believe in any of this from the beginning, but then, I manifested consciously for the first time. Again, and again. It became easier, and my life got better. It soon becomes apparent that literally everything you think happens. I always used to wonder how things I randomly thought in the back of my head always happened even though I literally didn’t do anything about it in the 3d. This proved to me that your mental state is more powerful than it seems.

“Can I manifest-”

Yes. Just yes. You’re GOD. GOD. Why tf is God asking some random loa account if they can manifest something or not? Ofc God would know that they can manifest whatever the fuck they want instantly. Do you think when God said “Let there be light”, he first asked people around him if he could? No. He took that shit and just fucking ran with it.

“But-but, what if-”

Uh-uh. I don’t want to fucking hear it. Like I said in the previous section, stop overthinking everything you do. Just go. Run with what you already know and manifest the life of your dreams. You don’t need to keep looking for new information, some specific post that changes everything for you. All they can do for you is steer you in the right direction. You’re the one who’s going to have to figure out our mindset and pull yourself together, no one else can do it. Take back your power, embrace it. I don’t care if you unfollow every single loa account or delete tumblr, just stop looking for the next post. Why would you need more information when you already have everything you need?

I wrote down everything I struggled with, forgot about it, and continued to persist in my new mindset. I ignored any negative 3d circumstances, and just vibed in the feeling that my desires were already here, that feeling of contentment someone has when everything in their life is just amazing. The main question I asked myself was, what would a person who had ____ think, and I went from there. Soon the things I wanted just started popping up in my life, just as I knew it would. I feel like the things I’ve said in this post are pretty much the same concepts you see all over loa tumblr, which is why it’s so important that you actively take in the information that’s being given to you and actually apply it. I was obsessed with tumblr and kept on scrolling through countless blogs and posts, and I was only able to fully manifest after I stepped away from all of that. There is no big secret. There’s no miraculous method that will fix everything for you. There’s just... you. And your subconscious. Whatever you tell your subconscious, goes. As simple as that.

How about, instead of scrolling to whatever next loa post you were about to see on this app, you close tumblr and just go live your best life? Don’t overcomplicate it and just do whatever feels natural to you. I hope this post helped, happy manifesting!

-cinna

#self concept #motivation #loa #law of assumption #manifestation #subconscious #success story #mine #mindset #neville goddard #manifesting #loassumption #law of manifestation

[waitmyturtles]

Turtles Catches Up With Old GMMTV: KinnPorsche, and Analyzing the KP Cultural Zeitgeist Edition (Part 1)

[What’s going on here? After joining Tumblr and discovering Thai BLs through KinnPorsche in 2022, I began watching GMMTV’s new offerings -- and realized that I had a lot of history to catch up on, to appreciate the more recent works that I was delving into. From tropes to BL frameworks, what we’re watching now hails from somewhere, and I’m learning about Thai BL's history through what I’m calling the Old GMMTV Challenge (OGMMTVC). Starting with recommendations from @absolutebl on their post regarding how GMMTV is correcting for its mistakes with its shows today, I’ve made an expansive list to get me through a condensed history of essential/classic/significant Thai BLs produced by GMMTV and many other BL studios. My watchlist, pasted below, lists what I’ve watched and what’s upcoming, along with the reviews I’ve written so far. Today, in a two-part series, I offer my thoughts on KinnPorsche, my very first Thai BL, and the impact that I think KP has had on the Thai BL industry since 2022.]

Hot damn! It has been a MINUTE since my last OGMMTVC review, so I'm glad to be back. I've been very much looking forward to writing my thoughts about my recent KinnPorsche rewatch: I enjoyed this ENTIRE process, especially in regards to watching KinnPorsche in the context and chronology of past Thai BLs, and man, did I ever see KP WAYYYYY differently than the first time I watched it.

Why's that? Welp -- *KinnPorsche was my first-ever Thai BL*. (Not my first BL drama ever; that award goes to the GOAT, Kinou Nani Tabeta?/What Did You Eat Yesterday?)

But when I joined Tumblr officially in July 2022, just about a year and a half ago (in the heat of passionately obsessing over Old Fashion Cupcake), my dash was awash, AWASH, in KP posts. AWASH.

I had no idea what the fuck the algorithm was telling me.

I went into KinnPorsche knowing absolutely NOTHING about Thai BL tropes, the history of the genre, the actors in the roles, what made KP so innovative by way of its storyline, NADA. Dudes -- I'm half-Malaysian, and I had never even watched a show from the Southeast Asian region, let alone Thailand, and I was unaware of how prolific the Thai drama industry was (at least compared to the Korean drama machine).

When I first watched KinnPorsche, my perspective was that I had watched a pretty good show, and I was left surprised back then in particular by the No Homophobia Bubble (well, almost no homophobia, Big) that I now know is so much more common in Thai BLs than I realized.

It was through KinnPorsche that I discovered Thai BLs, and it was subsequently through Bad Buddy that I realized that I NEEDED to understand the development of this national genre -- so back to the history annals I went, through my OGMMTVC project, starting from 2014's Love Sick, and here we are at this moment of the timeline, the hot hot late spring and summer of 2022, enjoying the ✨vibbbeeezz✨ between Mile Phakphum and Apo Nattawin, and leaving me wondering why there was a national shirt button shortage in the midst of a Thai mafia crime drama. I'm glad I have history on my side now as I think about KinnPorsche as a standalone drama, and as I also think about the impact it has had on the Thai BL genre and fandoms prior to its premiere, up to today's moment in time.

I took my time to draft this piece partly because I was busy watching Be On Cloud's second and latest serial drama in Dead Friend Forever. I think BOC is doing something very interesting by way of their acting and contracted scripting choices, which I want to ponder by way of the context and aftermath of KP's airing. As such, while I had intended to write just one post about KP, I have a bunch of thoughts that'll spill over to tomorrow. So here we go, a quick overall outline for the lovers for today and tomorrow on my ruminating thoughts:

1) My critical thoughts on KinnPorsche as a standalone drama in the context of the history of previous Thai BLs, 2) My thoughts on how new arrivals to the wider Thai BL fandom shaped the perception of KP vis à vis older Thai BLs, 3) How I think KP has impacted how other studios approach, market, and write Thai BLs now, and 4) A quick passing thought on BOC's own continued influence on the Thai BL genre and industry since 2022, particularly by way of Dead Friend Forever.

I'm going to concentrate on numbers 1 and 2 in this piece, and they're actually going to be a touch conflated, because I want to lean into a now-obvious fact that the BL Elder community knew all along about KP when it first aired in 2022: there was not much that was new about what KinnPorsche was doing. (This is not necessarily a bad thing, as I’ll get into below.)

When I was a newbie on Tumblr, and the algorithm was feeding my dash, I remember seeing posts about how Be On Cloud, the studio behind KP, was doing things differently than the rest of the Thai BL field -- I recall posts about the studio hiring the best acting coaches, how the cinematography was nothing like what we had seen in other shows, and how Be On Cloud was committed to creating safe environments for its actors, particularly Apo Nattawin, who had reportedly faced discrimination in his past acting career, reportedly leading him to leave the Thai drama industry for a number of years.

While some very early Thai BL studios were known to not have the safest or friendliest environments (the filming of What The Duck comes to mind by way of this lore), by the time of KP's airing, GMMTV had strongly established itself as the leader of Thai BL productions, and other players, including New Siwaj and Cheewin Thanamin, had produced quite the number of dramas under each of their respective studio outfits. The industry, by 2020 and 2021, when KP was in its development origins, wasn't new anymore. Acting coaches, such as Aof Noppharnach, were now also regularly writing, directing, and producing original shows, and major BL studios had introduced workshopping as a regular step to production. On the artistic end, studios and writers had established expected artistic tropes -- 2018's Love By Chance is the first example that comes to my mind of when the Thai BL genre crystallized in a structurally derivative piece of art by way of containing and using prior trope references and dynamics.

Be On Cloud, in picking up the KinnPorsche script from Filmania during the pandemic (I use these posts here and here for my non-primary sources of KP lore) clearly knew it had something innovative on its hands by way of producing the genre's first mafia-based BL romance.

But 2020's Manner of Death had already introduced crime and mystery to BL, and 2021's Not Me continued a multi-genre perspective somewhat successfully around romance. And regarding sex and heat: KinnPorsche didn't do that first, either. MaxTul brought it first in 2017's Together With Me, and MAME has owned this corner since 2018's Love By Chance and 2019's TharnType. (Props to MaxTul for being in both Together With Me and Manner of Death; MileApo owe those dudes some beers.) By way of cinematography, which KP does extremely well: we had already begun seeing prestige cinematography in 2020's I Told Sunset About You, and 2021's I Promised You The Moon and A Tale of Thousand Stars.

It was natural, I think, for much of the KP fandom to think that KP was innovative in a lot of these categories, because, like me -- KP was our first-ever Thai BL. By way of money clearly spent on the show, the directorial purview of the show, the utterly gorgeous cinematography (man, that nighttime pull-away shot when the guys are in the roof pool, oof, why couldn't I find a gif), a new fan might think, geez, this has never been done before! But it had, and not just in Thailand, but for years prior in Japan, and more recently in Korea.

This is ALL not to say that KinnPorsche “suffered” because of what I'm uncovering by way of KP's misunderstood innovation. I think a perception of KP being entirely “new” in the BL field has contributed to its lore and enduring influential status. On this rewatch, I appreciated the mafia-based storyline as a support system to the central KinnPorsche romance. Yok being centered as an important mentor to Porsche, played by the inimitable Sprite Patteerat, was refreshing to see. Porsche accepting his bisexuality, especially with Yok's support, without the typical BL head-spinning queer revelation, was a welcome element to the show. And, frankly -- I had, on my first watch, missed, of course, the clear references to Thai BLs of the past in this show, references that I really loved seeing this time around.

From the old school, we got Kob Songsit, the OG BL dad, no longer Tong's dad in the seminal movie, The Love of Siam, nor Dean's dad in Until We Meet Again. This BL veteran is now a damn dad don, weapons and all.

We've also got Na Naphat, who played important side characters in IPYTM and UWMA. We have former BL lead guys in Jeff Satur and Perth Nakhun. We've got guitars and singing, we have underwater smooching, we have a cute-cute first date. We arguably have questionable kabedon in Kinn's and Porsche's first intimate moments. We have cooking for your lover, we have feeding your lover, we have the towel-drying of the hair. KP, by 2022, keeps up with Idol Factory's Secret Crush On You in prominently featuring a femme-presenting side character in Tankhun, PHENOMENALLY ACTED by Tong Thanayut, who we had seen previously in TharnType.

KP was, in part, directed by Pepzi Banchorn, who served as an assistant director on 2019's Dark Blue Kiss and 2021-22's Bad Buddy, and had a quick guest spot in 2022's The Warp Effect. KP was also, in part, directed by Khom Kongkiat, who played Uncle Tong in Bad Buddy, and subsequently directed The Promise in 2023. AND, finally, one of the KP screenwriters is Bee Pongsate, who has co-written so much flippin' BL: Last Twilight, Bad Buddy, Dangerous Romance (😬), Vice Versa, My School President, A Tale of Thousand Stars, 2gether and Still 2gether, and that's not even scratching the list -- you get it.

KP's supporting cast and crew was simply stacked with BL vets, who clearly knew the scene, and who helped to support Mile Phakphum's rookie acting and Apo Nattawin's return to the screen. I'd posit that this group of people knew EXACTLY what references they were putting into KinnPorsche, from actors to tropes, and also knew when, where, and how to innovate around those references to still make this show unique.

Certainly, KP's approach to sex and heat -- by way of Kinn's and Porsche's first drunken encounters (hi again, MaxTul), the uncut intimate scenes between them, and Vegas's and Pete's union by way of, well, semi-torture and/or kink -- was bold enough to be overall quite notable. But again: Thai BLs had been pushing that envelope for years past, and it has continued to do so in shows like MAME's Love In the Air and GMMTV's Only Friends.

In other words: after this rewatch, with the history of the older Thai BLs I've watched under my belt, I don't see KinnPorsche as firstly innovative. But I appreciate the show differently now, in particular for how very obvious it worked to include past Thai BL references in its production, and I actually gained a different appreciation for it.

I also want to made a quick tangential note about Apo and Tong specifically by way of innovation. Dr. Thomas Baudinette, a long-time BL fan and academic researcher on Thai and Japanese queer media, notes in his book, Boys Love Media in Thailand, that an ideal trajectory for a Thai BL actor is to debut in BLs in order to transition to more popular primetime het Thai dramas, as Gulf Kanuwat of TharnType, and Ohm Thitiwat and Kao Noppakao of UWMA and Lovely Writer, respectively, are notably doing at the moment. Apo Nattawin did this the other way around: he had established his career in het lakorns, most notably in 2015’s major hit drama, Sut Khaen Saen Rak, and subsequently left the Thai drama industry after reportedly being discriminated against for his skin tone and fashion choices. And his way back to the industry was through BLs. Taking the lore of Mile Phakphum recruiting Apo for KP out of the picture for a moment: I think this indicates a shift in how BLs are increasingly perceived in Thailand, and even globally, as being a career-worthy genre of content on its own for actors. (Apo's exploding fashion career is proof of this.) And BOC has now recruited another lakorn vet in Jes Jespipat for its third upcoming drama, 4 Minutes.

As well, Tong Thanayut’s very public coming out after the conclusion of KP’s airing is notable for how Be On Cloud has continued to center Tong in its productions after that fact, most notably in 2023’s film, Man Suang, while other out BL actors are not as lucky by way of guaranteeing and attracting future work.

I have a lot more to say about KinnPorsche's and Be On Cloud's impact on the current Thai BL industry, and how I think that impact has affected the marketing and creation of more recent shows like 2023's Only Friends, and 2023-24's Playboyy. But this first post has gotten long, and I actually haven't written much about the actual show itself, HA. So let me say this:

I think it's notable that the first shows that played around with themes outside of romance, like 2020's Manner of Death, and 2021's Not Me, were not perfect shows. We see now how multi-genre BLs are just exploding, what with Dead Friend Forever and the upcoming slew of vampire BLs that are going to drop (and let's not forget the first omegaverse BL drama in Pit Babe -- or should we forget it, I dunno). Not all of these shows are perfect, but the genre has only been around for a decade. There's a lot of time, and a tremendous amount of interest and funding, that upcoming shows can leverage to become better, especially these multi-genre shows that we're seeing more of.

KinnPorsche as well, was not a perfect show. I have some thoughts particularly on VegasPete to offer tomorrow, and I think, overall, that KP could have easily been a shorter series with more impact.

But I'll still give the show some of its flowers, because I think, unlike MoD and Not Me, that KinnPorsche did a better job of centering the Kinn and Porsche romance for dramatic effect, particularly by leveraging comedy. Were there many moments of hibbly-jibblies? Oh, totally. Dudes, also, Kinn fucking forgot about Pete! Pete coming back to the house and reminiscing about Vegas while holding his neck? Eeeeyikes, no thanx. There were a number of these weird bumps that I think could be explained by way of intentional camp (which I think KP did pretty well), but I do believe the show could have been tighter with more editing.

But, I gotta admit: I had a great time re-watching KP. That says something. Was it the heat that tiddled my dopamine cycles? Probably, somewhat. (No shame in my game.) Or -- a more reasonable theory, ha, is that Apo, as a veteran actor, demonstrated more range than I originally remembered. He can really do comedy well, and he timed his comedy perfectly for the absurdities that peppered KP through the series (the bread crawl, the constant throwing of hands, the jumping-on-Kinn when the ghost of Pete showed up, oh shit we're in the forest now, etc). Apo and Tong, in particular, stayed true to the bit many times during the show, and I think the series benefitted greatly from their collective comedic talent and timing -- which I thought was nicely refreshing for the genre.

With that, I'll have more ruminating tomorrow about the show itself, about how I think the impact that KP and BOC have had on the genre after KP's airing, and other thoughts about the cultural moment that KP demarcated when it aired -- see you tomorrow!

[MORE MORE MORE KP tomorrow! And I'll have more thoughts about the watchlist then. But for now, here's the classic OGMMTVC list for you to chew on!

1) The Love of Siam (2007) (movie) (review here) 2) My Bromance (2014) (movie) (review here) 3) Love Sick and Love Sick 2 (2014 and 2015) (review here) 4) Gay OK Bangkok Season 1 (2016) (a non-BL queer series directed by Jojo Tichakorn and written by Aof Noppharnach) (review here) 5) Make It Right (2016) (review here) 6) SOTUS (2016-2017) (review here) 7) Gay OK Bangkok Season 2 (2017) (a non-BL queer series directed by Jojo Tichakorn and written by Aof Noppharnach) (review here) 8) Make It Right 2 (2017) (review here) 9) Together With Me (2017) (review here) 10) SOTUS S/Our Skyy x SOTUS (2017-2018) (review here) 11) Love By Chance (2018) (review here) 12) Kiss Me Again: PeteKao cuts (2018) (no review) 13) He’s Coming To Me (2019) (review here) 14) Dark Blue Kiss (2019) and Our Skyy x Kiss Me Again (2018) (review here) 15) TharnType (2019-2020) (review here) 16) Senior Secret Love: Puppy Honey (OffGun BL cuts) (2016 and 2017) (no review) 17) Theory of Love (2019) (review here) 18) 3 Will Be Free (2019) (a non-BL and an important harbinger of things to come in 2019 and beyond re: Jojo Tichakorn pushing queer content in non-BLs) (review here) 19) Dew the Movie (2019) (review here) 20) Until We Meet Again (2019-2020) (review here) (and notes on my UWMA rewatch here) 21) 2gether (2020) and Still 2gether (2020) (review here) 22) I Told Sunset About You (2020) (review here) 23) YYY (2020, out of chronological order) (review here) 24) Manner of Death (2020-2021) (review here) 25) A Tale of Thousand Stars (2021) (review here) 26) A Tale of Thousand Stars (2021) OGMMTVC Fastest Rewatch Known To Humankind For The Sake Of Rewatching Our Skyy 2 x BBS x ATOTS (re-review here) 27) Lovely Writer (2021) (review here) 28) Last Twilight in Phuket (2021) (the mini-special before IPYTM) (review here) 29) I Promised You the Moon (2021) (review here) 30) Not Me (2021-2022) (review here) 31) Bad Buddy (2021-2022) (thesis here) 32) 55:15 Never Too Late (2021-2022) (not a BL, but a GMMTV drama that features a macro BL storyline about shipper culture and the BL industry) (review here) 33) Bad Buddy (2021-2022) and Our Skyy 2 x BBS x ATOTS (2023) OGMMTVC Rewatch (Links to the BBS OGMMTVC Meta Series are here: preamble here, part 1, part 2, part 3a, part 3b, and part 4) 34) Secret Crush On You (2022) (review here) 35) KinnPorsche (2022) (tag here)  36) KinnPorsche (2022) OGMMTVC Fastest Rewatch Known To Humankind For the Sake of Re-Analyzing the KP Cultural Zeitgeist

...interrupting the OGMMTVC list here to watch War of Y (2022) (watching) in chronology to decide if it gets listed...

37) The Eclipse (2022) (tag here) 38) The Eclipse OGMMTVC Rewatch to Reexamine “Genre BLs” and Internalized/Externalized Homophobia in GMMTV Shows  39) GAP (2022-2023) (Thailand’s first GL) 40) My School President (2022-2023) and Our Skyy 2 x My School President (2023) 41) Moonlight Chicken (2023) (tag here) 42) Bed Friend (2023) (tag here) 43 La Pluie (2023) (review coming) 44) Be My Favorite (2023) (tag here) (I’m including this for BMF’s sophisticated commentary on Krist’s career past as a BL icon) 45) Wedding Plan (2023) (Recommended as an important trajectory in the course of MAME’s work and influence from TharnType) 46) Only Friends (2023) (tag here) (not technically a BL, but it certainly became one in the end) 47) Last Twilight (2023-24) (tag here) (on the list as Thailand’s first major BL to center disability, successfully or otherwise) 48) Cherry Magic Thailand (2023-24) (tag here) (on the list as the first major Japanese-to-Thai drama adaptation, featuring the comeback of TayNew) 49) Ossan’s Love Returns (2024) (adding for the EarthMix cameo and the eventual Thai remake) 50) Dead Friend Forever (2024) (thoughts here) 51) 23.5 (tag here) (2024)]

#kinnporsche #kinnporsche the series #be on cloud #mileapo #mile phakphum #apo nattawin #kinn x porsche #porsche x kinn #tong thanayut #bible sumettikul #turtles catches up with old gmmtv #turtles catches up with thai bls #turtles catches up with the essential bls #the old gmmtv challenge #ogmmtvc #pond krisda #dead friend forever #kinnporsche meta #kinnporsche the series meta

[stesierra]

Writeblr ReIntro!

I'm posting a new intro because now that I've been on Writeblr a little while, I realize how much information I left out! Hi, I'm Stephanie, I live in the desert with my husband and baby and three cats, and I'm an ace, bipolar fantasy writer! When I was a kid, they said I had ADHD but then I got my Masters degree in biology, so they claim I can't have it. Online tests say I'm probably autistic.

I used to write sci fi twelve years ago but only low tech sci fi about weird aliens, which nobody likes. Now I write fantasy novels! Lots of fantasy novels! I am beginning to post them on my website so if you want to read them, please keep an eye on this post.

My books often but not always have some romance (either m/f or f/f because I prefer female protagonists.) Since I'm ace (and demiromantic), my interpretation of romance and attraction is not exactly what you'd expect from, say, a romance novel.

I am not going to tell you about all my books! I've written eighteen! Four of them are shelved forever! Here's some recent ones (written or revised since 2018) that I haven't given up on. Please ask me questions about them! I LOVE talking about my books! Also, if you want to be added to my taglist for writing samples let me know! Please also tell me if you're interested in alpha or beta reading and for which book! Mutuals only, please!

My books are beneath the cut! As I add WIP intros, I'll update this list with links.

Cast Out

YA fantasy! On her sixteenth birthday, Zisha is cast out of the Plenary Cities for the crime of being born deaf, like her grandmother before her. In the wastelands, she meets Thesil, a depressed and bitter young woman. Zisha wants nothing to do with her — until she sees Thesil's face in a vision. But before she can find out what the visions mean or reach her grandmother's holdings in the wastes, the plague returns to the Plenary Cities. If the disabled really caused the plague thirty years ago, and were cast out to stop the spread, how can it be back when all of them are outcast?

Status: Finished. Being serialized.

WIP intro here.

Now being serialized here. First five chapters up, one posted weekly.

The Bone Queen

This is my NA fantasy about the aftermath of freeing an undead queen and her skeleton army. They take over the kingdom, of course! The main character, Elise, is trapped in Bandrum palace by Aubrey, the ghost who tricked her into falling in love and freeing him (plus everyone else.) He's an animated skeleton now with plans to marry Elise and force her to carry his children. The bone queen has promised him she'll make it happen. Too bad no one cares what Elise wants. If only she had magic of her own...

Status: undergoing a rewrite after developmental edit. Was 109k before revisions. Not available for beta reading.

Draft number? Hahahaha. It has two complete sequels (The Spellbound King (106k) and The Matriarch's Daughter (96k)) I must also rewrite. This series is going to kill me but I love it. My mom, who loves everything I write, complained that it was weird. I'm very proud.

WIP intro here.

First chapter here.

School of Souls

This is my YA contemporary fantasy about a boarding school in the Bighorn Mountains! It's supposed to be a place parents can send "bad" teens to have their problems sorted out, but secretly the founder is using it to train the kids as sorcerers. Even more secretly, the school devours the souls of the students sent there, and the teenagers who graduate aren't the same as the ones who arrived... Warning: does include teenage addiction to sleeping pills and ghosts and and parental death. It's going to have sequels but I haven't written them yet.

Status: Complete first draft. 83k. Available for alpha reading.

WIP intro here.

First chapter here.

The Many-faced Princess

This is YA fantasy with a historical vibe but set in a made up world. Vaguely inspired by ancient Phoenicia. It's about Princess Ameryi, who was blessed by the genderless trickster god, Akihel, to be able to change her face. If her father the king ever found out, he'd have to execute her, of course. Akihel is just plain evil. All the other gods say so. A daughter who's their champion? Impossible. An abomination. So Ameryi will just have to make sure her father never finds out. That was easier to do before the Asirtinsa Empire threatened to invade and her father sent her to secure an alliance with a neighboring king. She's supposed to marry him. Not steal his face and frame him for murder. But sometimes plans just don't work out.

This book was supposed to be about two lesbian princesses who frame the king for murder so they can elope, but both princesses decided to be ace and there was nothing I could do.

Status: Complete first draft. 83k. It's going to have sequels but I haven't written them yet. Available for alpha reading.

First chapter here.

Map here.

Court Phoenix

This is my NA fantasy! Kerra is a blacksmith's apprentice. Not because she wants the job, but because her mother sold her future to him when she was still a toddler who crawled into live fires and giggled as the flames consumed her clothes. Now she's a woman, trapped by the expectations of her family and her village. Until one day, a phoenix crash-lands and dies in her arms. When it's reborn, it chooses Kerra as its keeper. Soon, her dreary future is swept away. A princess from Skyfire, the moving city, offers her a job in the royal court. How could Kerra refuse? Her family's claims that she'll die if she ever leaves the village are just manipulative lies. Aren't they?

Status: Complete third draft. 104k. Available for beta reading.

First chapter here.

The Revenant Trilogy

Adult fantasy. Solving a murder should bring good fortune, but all it brings Mindral Thideet is disaster. Her fame and peaceful life as head researcher at the city of knowledge end abruptly. In retaliation for her investigation into his crimes, Payar Cheref, the head of the powerful Cheref family, burns her beloved cousins alive and scars her face. The scar marks her as a revenant, a body possessed by a godkin, one of the gods' evil children. Her life as a researcher is over. All that's left is revenge.

No one believes her when she denies that godkins have any power over her. But godkins, real ones, are far closer than she realizes. Tearing down Payar Cheref could destroy Mindral, her family, and the nation itself.

-The Halfway Revenant (rewriting draft 4) 120k. Not available for beta reading.

-The Soul-Seer (draft 2) - 130k

-The Godkin's Gambit (draft 2) 121k

First chapter here.

As Immortality Fades

Adult fantasy. Five hundred years ago, one of the immortal and unpredictable Valteifur visited the kingdom of Kathild and granted the young queen Nelone immortality. But there was a catch. She'd live forever, youthful and strong, just so long as her subjects were happy. For centuries, she's met her part of the deal. But when the Valteifur returns to check on her progress, he grants her a new gift: the resurrection of every single person in Kathild who's died in the last two hundred years. Then he disappears.

There aren't enough houses for them all. There's not enough food. And winter is here.

Status: Complete first draft. 98k. Available for alpha reading.

Bi MC, enemies to lovers.

First chapter here.

Stitches and Memories

This one's adult fantasy. Antea's father ripped her mind apart, left her for dead, and vanished twelve years ago, and she's going to find out why. But when constables try to kill her and strange truth magic grows inside of her, hunting her father starts to look like suicide. Too bad going home isn't an option.

Status: I exchanged this with a critique partner and now it embarrasses me. Fourth draft. 122k. Available for beta reading.

Trigger warning: magic seizures

First chapter here.

WIP intro here.

Triangle Park

Contemporary Fantasy. I have no idea who it's for. An elf exiled to the middle of nowhere ends up stuck with an unexpected child. It's about reluctant parenting and protecting the needy. And elves and faeries slumming it in a mobile home.

Status: Complete first draft. 86k. Available for alpha reading.

First chapter here.

Mud-Child

Adult fantasy. Rebeka has always heard that a woman who goes through menopause loses her spark (the magic that lets her create children). If she's had children, it just makes the neighbors a little more fertile. But Rebeka never wanted a man, and she never wanted to raise a child. Not since her twin sister died and her beloved Suza left her for a man. The problem is, the spark leaves a childless woman differently, everyone says. A bitter hag? She'll curse her neighbors. A sweet dim biddie? She'll give her spark to inanimate objects and create a monster. Rebeka doesn't know which she is, but she believes it's a myth.

That was before the clay in her clay pit woke up and called her mother.

Status: Third draft. 109k. Needs a rewrite! Not available for beta reading.

First chapter here.

WIP intro here.

I GUESS I'M WRITING A NEW BOOK

The Giant's Gamble

First chapter here.

I started writing this on Friday the 13th, 2023. LET'S SEE HOW LONG IT TAKES TO WRITE WITH A BABY.

Short stories

The Unfamous Dead

VERY OLD CRAP

The Scribe and the Sphinx

Adult historical fantasy

Status: second draft. Shelved for good. 85k.

The Adrift series

The River's Drift. 100k.

The Waking Mountain. 106k.

Low-tech alien sci fi. Shelved for good.

My first book whose name I forget. About 50k. Exists only as a hard copy in my parents' house.

Taglist so far (tell me if you want to be added or removed)

Tag list for everything

@harleyacoincidence

@anonymousfoz

@moremysteriesthantragedies

@elizababie

@sm-writes-chaos

@bellascarousel

@the-dragon-chronicler

@teacupsandstarlight

@vorskra

@wrenofthewords

@amostdelectablescribbler

@mysticstarlightduck

@phantommill

@gracewritesbooks

@aziz-reads

@owlsandwich

@symbioticsimplicity

@squarebracket-trick

@koala2all

@rmgrey-author

@atomatowriter

@cheerfulmelancholies

@delusionisaplace

@janec23

@writing-is-a-martial-art

@authortango

Just chapters and snippets

@da-na-hae

For The Many-faced Princess

@deadlyessencewhispers

@serenanymph

The Halfway Revenant

@acertainmoshke

For Stitches and Memories

@space-writes

@acertainmoshke

The Bone Queen

@janec23

@holdmyteaplease

@digital-chance

@thecrookedwriterspath

@tea-and-mercury

@coven-archives

I love you all!

#writeblr intro #oh my god this is long #why did I write so much #why did I do this to myself #writeblr #writing #writing community #creative writing #fantasy #writers of tumblr

[ambrosiagourmet]

Feel free to ignore this, but I love reading your analysis and was wondering how you start analyzing things? I try to do it myself but I always feel so unconfident in my interpretations and feel scared about posting about them and them being “wrong.”

Just curious to see how you approach your analysis and meta! Have a lovely day!

Ooh, what a good question! I'm happy to share a little, sure.

Under the cut bc it got long hehe 😅

So my first (and probably the most important) response to this is: it's hard to feel 100% sure that you are totally "correct" about this stuff.

There are always going to be other ways to interpret things. There are things you miss, or perspectives you don't consider. There will always be people who disagree. And even if you are as accurate and totally convincing as humanly possible, there always going to be different types of analysis that you can't cover all at the same time!

I think, especially when it comes to like, doing casual analysis for something you love, it really helps to just follow your passion. It's fine to speak confidently about an interpretation that you find compelling, even if you haven't considered every possible angle of how it could be wrong. It's about what speaks to you, after all.

For instance, the conflict-avoidant Falin post (which is currently the analysis post of mine with the most notes) was largely born from an interpretation of Falin that really resonated with me, based on a couple of points I remembered strongly from reading the story. It's definitely not the only way to look at Falin, and I don't think it's like the universally correct interpretation of her character. But it is the interpretation that got ME interested in talking about her, and in turn, resonated with other people, too!

I have plenty of anxiety about this stuff, so I won't pretend that it's just easy to turn off that "what if I'm wrong, though" part of your brain, but I will say it doesn't hurt to try to start writing. You can always draft a post and come back to it, or delete/private it, or reblog it later to add more context or nuance. You aren't shackled to your opinion forever, much as the internet (and anxiety) can make it feel that way.

As to where to actually start with analysis... for me, it's almost always either a detail, a question, or both.

Here's an example of an Idea In Progress I've been thinking about.

While I was grabbing screenshots from the Nightmare chapter, I noticed that Marcille's hairstyle there is similar to one of the chapter covers I'd also just looked at:

So like, that's interesting to me! Especially since the cover was from the chapter where Marcille makes her deal with the Winged Lion. So then I can start to ask like... what does it mean that there's this similarity? I could tie it in to the way I think the Lion kind of infantilizes her, talk about what influence the Nightmare chapter might have had on Marcilles decision. Alternatively, I could ask, are there any other similar times Marcille wears this hairstyle? Any other hairstyles that are repeated at key times?

Any of which could lead to some fun analysis! Alternatively, it can also just be fun to post about the detail without the analysis. Just be like, "hey, look at this weird thing." Other people might chime in with ideas about it, or maybe it will sparks something for you later! Either way, you'll have an easy reference saved for reference. Even if deeper analysis doesn't come, it's still fun to have pointed out. Details and connections are just. They are just great. And Dunmeshi especially has SO much to dig into.

(Oh, also, quick aside here: ignore anyone who tells you the details don't matter and weren't intentional. It fully does not matter. If drawing a connection helps you realize a new meaning in the story - if it inspires and motivates you - it's worth investigating.)

Anyway, the Adventurer's Bible is also a great place to find details to jump off of. The timelines and little blurbs highlight important events or facts about the characters, and you can then go fishing for other times those things come up or are referenced in the story.

In terms of starting from a question, it can also be fun just to spend a little time with something you don't feel like you totally got. I had a great time doing that with the succubus chapter, for instance. If there's a scene you find yourself kind of skimming over because its not clicking for you... go back and try and examine it! Even if it's just a small thing - an expression you missed or a panel with a funny little joke - it can be just as rewarding to try and pay attention to the parts of the story you don't understand as it is to dig into the parts you do.

~

Really, in a lot of ways, I like to use analysis as an excuse to just spend time with a story I care about. It's a way to savor it! And if you can write up those thoughts and ideas, you can share them with others, which can be even better. A dish doesn't have to be perfectly cooked to delicious, after all. Go, with Senshi's blessing, and make good food.

And of course, as with all things creative, never forget about Two Cakes:

#ask #hope this helps + isn't too ramble-y #much love and good luck if you do share stuff!! #writing analysis essays/posts is hard and cool and fun #and I think the more people having fun with it the better

[kudouusagi]

I think one example of a time he indirectly "confessed" was when Morinaga said the size of their feelings were different, since he seemed upset by that? Not sure

Yes, exactly! That would be one of them.

That's after he stopped being in such deep denial.... since he's even willing to discuss it.

And now I'm going to babble forever... let's see if this makes sense in the end... and this is why it took me so long to respond to this ask lol... that and I accidentally didn't save my draft so I had to rewrite part of it.... and I just got a new puppy that I have to watch constantly....

So, like I said, Japanese is very indirect. In the past they didn't express their love very directly at all. The newer generations tend to be more open about it... but even then it's not like they go around using the word "love" to people often. They usually just use "suki" (like) and "daisuki" (really like) to express their love rather than other words for love.

There is a fairly well known saying in Japan that the phrase "Tsuki ga kirei" (the moon is beautiful) is a good way to say I love you because When Souseki Natsume saw a student translating the English phrase "I love you" into Japanese he said it was too direct and wasn't something a Japanese person would say. (There's no first hand sources that this ever happened and even native speakers will argue about how well known it is.) So while the origin and use might be debated, it's still true about the Japanese culture about saying I love you. Let's keep this in mind going forward.

Also keep in mind the fact that Souichi just lies. A lot.

Before KSB in Challengers he stopped him from leaving by letting him kiss him, etc, but one of the earliest examples of him saying something that could be saying he likes him is in volume 2 when Souichi is complaining about Morinaga saying they have a fuck buddy relationship. He says "Fuck buddies are people who don't like each other but do it because they want to, right? I've never done it with you because I wanted to!!" "I only barely put up with it because it's you!" AKA I do it because like you.

It seemed pretty obvious that Morinaga got it at the time but of course Morinaga needs those words of affirmation and so he kinda forgets over the next few volumes because Souichi is 200 miles deep in denial and that makes Morinaga really insecure about their relationship.

Volume 3 he reiterates that he only has sex with him because it's him and basically admits he's not actually being blackmailed into it.

Volume 4 is the stalker and fire arc and he says that he wants to send Morinaga away from the house because he's important to him. Souichi actually initiates sex but would never admit it. Somehow Morinaga convinced him to move in with him by telling him he would be lonely lol.

Volume 5: Denial. Souichi can't figure out why he feels so good when he has sex with Morinaga. (because you're in love with him you stubborn man)

Volume 6: Denial. He can't figure out why he's fine with living with him. (like I said, because you're in love with him you stubborn man)

Volume 7-8 Souichi lies his biggest lies and he finally realizes that his denial is going to lose him Morinaga so he admits he wants him to stay by his side. Now, telling someone to stay by your side is actually pretty romantic in Japanese. There are a few well known love songs that use it, etc. I found this list of ways to express love in Japanese... and of course it's there.

Though his denial is still pretty bad at this point, he goes through all the motions to prove he's in it. Also, this was the original intended ending of KSB. It is when their relationship officially went into dating. We're supposed to know they're together now... and it seems like a lot of people don't lol.

Volume 9 is the one you mentioned. Morinaga with needing those words of affirmation thinks it's not love an wants him to actually say it and so he tells him he wants him to care more, to feel jealous, etc and when he tells Souichi that Souichi is upset that he thinks he doesn't care. Souichi has learned he needs to communicate more and every time Morinaga starts acting weird he always tries to say things to make him feel better. He's trying lol.

Volume 10 they go to Kyushu together and I'm pretty sure Souichi came along because he assumed Morinaga would visit his family and that's why he asked if he was visiting his family while they were there. But he went out of his way to explain that he wasn't rejecting him or anything he just didn't want him touching him in public. The fact he didn't want to look at Morinaga because he was turned on by him was a pretty big deal.

Volume 11: I'm sorry did Souichi just say stuff about Morinaga's food? He didn't actually say it to Morinaga and definitely didn't mean it in this way but... I mean... telling someone you want to eat their food forever is a well known as an old fashioned marriage proposal lol (https://japanalyze.com/10-popular-japanese-marriage-proposals/) He's just talking about his food but.... that can be kind of a big deal lol.

Vol 12:

I could probably come up with more but this post has gotten long and like I said the puppy is keeping me busy constantly so I'm going to give up on this post and just post it for now!

#Koisuru Boukun

[sapphickorro]

Forever With You´ˎ˗

pairing(s) - Maria Hill x She Hulk!Reader (she/her pronouns used!)

summary: you get captured and experimented on by Hydra. Maria’s there to help deal with the aftermath and the side effects that come with your green side.

warnings:  torture, needles, cursing, violence, blood, convulsing, manipulation, kidnap, electricity torture? body mutilation!! Just very dark 18+ maybe possibly even one of my darkest fics???

word count: 7540 (WHAT HAPPENED WHY IS THIS SO LONG)

A/N: this is literally so long. Forgive me please. I just loved this fic so much. Also!! I've had this fic idea in my drafts since may??? Like I never had any motivation until I watched the new She-Hulk trailer and I was like “ahhhh shit, i need to really sit my ass down and write it now.” Here it is!! 

Also, I imagined that a lot of the Shield agents were living in a big compound. Almost like the Avengers compound but with a bunch of Shield agents. So, yeah. That’s where we are located. 

And, Bruce is Endgame Bruce where he’s mixed with the Hulk but Infinity War and Endgame never happen here? 

ao3 - masterlist 

You had met Maria years ago, when you were just a rookie being trained by her. This was before she made her way up the ranks, becoming second in charge. 

You had instantly fallen for her stern, work-oriented mind. However cold-hearted she may have looked, you knew that she had a gooey soft inside and you were desperate to break the walls and get to know her on a deeper level. All of your work friends laughed at your crush but you were determined to ask her out. 

It started off bumpy, your carefree spirited self didn’t help at winning her heart over. You were a stark contrast from what she was. She was methodical and well ordered, you were a pretty happy-go-lucky person. The classic golden retriever and black cat dynamic.

Somehow though, over the years you had broken down her barriers and she had fallen in love with you along the way. You two even got married, hosting a small venue consisting of some family, Fury, a priest, Natasha, Coulson, and Clint along with his family. Lila at that time being your flower girl and Cooper your ring bearer. Laura carrying a little Nathaniel in her body. 

It was quaint and you two had no troubles in the world.

Right now; however, you were sitting next to a rookie SHIELD agent, hiding in a hallway that put enough distance between you and the Hydra workers. Somewhere secluded and devoid of cameras. This mission was meant to be an easy in and out, retrieve some documents in the main lab of Hydra that they were operating at and run back to the airship before you got caught. That was before you had realized the whole place was full of booby traps and alarms, alerting the Hydra agents of your guys’ unwelcome company. 

“Agent Hill, I think we have been compromised.” You speak into your ear piece, Shield agents on the end of it. “Can you make it back to the airship?” Maria asks, holding a calm facade although you know that she’s probably panicking on the inside.

“Maybe, but the guards are nearing in on us soon, I don’t think there’s enough time.” You respond just as you heard faint sounds of boots running on the solid ground. Voices with thick accents muttering things in ear pieces that you couldn’t understand. 

“Are we going to die? I don’t want to die here like this. I haven’t even told my parents I work at  Shield yet.” The rookie next to you frantically whisper yells at you. He’s clearly freaking out, his breathing coming out rapidly. 

“Kid, I’m going to need you to calm the fuck down. Deep breaths alright. Your loud breathing’s gonna get us all killed.” You say as you grab onto his shoulders staring deep into his eyes. He simply nods and tries to work on his breathing.

“We’re getting Agents ready to head on in if you can’t make it out.” Maria says attempting to get your exact coordinates inside the giant building. 

“No, I have an idea.” You respond to Maria’s call. “The agents won’t make it in time, I’m going to try something.” 

“Try something? No, this is dangerous, just wait for the agents.” Maria says irritated at your words.

“Kid, take this and protect it with your life.” You hand the rookie the journal full of documents and secrets the Hydra workers were keeping. He accepts it and looks at you quizzically. “I’m going to stall for time alright. You need to run out the same exact way we came in. Do not dare stop for a moment,” You say to him in your sternest possible voice. He nods and asks, “What’s going to happen to you though?” 

“I’ll be fine, I was trained by Agent Hill after all.” You say winking at him. “Agent Y/L/N what the hell are you doing? I told you not to try anything.” Maria says.

“Get a head start and start running now. I’ll draw their attention and I’ll be back out in the airship asap.” You say as you pull the guy onto his feet and push him in the direction of the way back. You start counting down from 3 to 1 and after he runs out of your site, you start running in the direction of the agents. 

“Hey! There they are!” A thick russian accent yells and points in your direction as they see a figure run by them. They radio in that they caught the intruder as you start running through the building knocking things down and causing havoc. 

You pull their fire alarms and smash some glass vials onto the floor, spreading papers and documents throughout the hallways as you run around. All of this happening while Maria is yelling in your ear. You’re unsure what she’s saying as you’re too busy focussing on not getting caught but you assume it’s a bunch of her scolding you for your idiotic actions and how much danger you have put yourself in.

Shots start to ring out through the hallways, forcing you to hide out in one of the rooms. You barricade it with a chair, hoping to stall yourself some time before they rammed themselves through the door. 

“Alright, I think the rookies on the airship now. All the documents are there, I made sure to not miss grabbing any of the important ones.” You say out of breath to Maria. “Agent Y/L/N you realize how big of a-” Maria starts but you cut her off.

“Maria, I’ll be alright. They may have rifles but I’ve got a fully loaded pistol and gun firing training taught to me by Clint. Plus, I’ve just stalled you guys time to get your agents in the building.” You say as you pull out your gun and aim it at the door. 

“God you’re-” Maria starts but gets cut off once again as the door starts to bang. Loud shouts of, “She’s in this room,” and “We found her!” are heard through the door. The chair starts shaking as the door starts to get broken into.

Maria yells in your ears to stay calm and to don’t do anything stupid. Knowing you though, you thrived off of risky behavior. You closed the lights and hid behind a cabinet. 

“Alright, in the scenario that your agents are too slow to getting to me. Just know that…I love you. And that, I’m glad you fell for a chaotic mess of a person like me. Just, don’t fall in love with Nat yet. She’s got too much emotional baggage she needs to sort out first.” You whisper into your earpiece chuckling. Maria and Nat were best friends, you would always tease them about their closeness but you knew that they were nothing but friends. 

“You’re right, you’ve always been right. Even now I’m starting to think that maybe you were right about me bringing more than just a pistol to this mission.” You laugh once again. “My greatest accomplishment was getting you to fall in love with me.” You finish off just as the door opens, a loud bang emitting from the door falling and the hinges breaking loose. 

The guys turn on their flashlights and you peek out of your hiding spot shooting at the men in the front causing them to drop. You continue your shootout until you run out of ammo. “Ah shit.” you mutter to yourself as they stop their firing and near in on you. 

“What, what’s happening? Are you okay?” Maria asks as you walk out and away from the cabinet. Your hands in the air in a surrendered pose. The men grab your arms, handcuffing you behind your back and forcing you onto your knees. The man in the front walks up to you, punching you on the face opposite from your earpiece. You groan at the impact. Maria tries to get you to answer her and speak back, to tell her what's happening but deep down she knows it's a lost cause. 

You get punched a couple more times, making blood dribble out of your mouth. Maria flinching everytime a pained yelp comes out of your mouth until the man grabs the earpiece in your ear.

“Seems like there were more people here than we thought.” He says putting the earpiece close to his mouth. He then drops it on the floor, stomping on it, breaking it in one crush. 

“It’s another one of those stinky fucking Shield agents.” The guy says to everyone around him, he grabs his rifle, pointing it at your head. “I smell of pina coladas, may I have you know.” You retort to his comment. 

“You think you’re so smart huh? Don’t make me blast your fucking head off!” He yells out though gritted teeth. You’re about to make another witty remark when an older voice cuts through the crowd. 

“Alright Rumlow, that’s enough.” You both turn your heads to face a man in a lab coat with glasses. “She seems like she’ll make herself very useful, isn’t that right.” He coos at you, holding your chin forcing you to look up into his eyes.

“Sir, what do we do now?” A voice behind the man in the lab coat asks. “Evacuate, quickly. This place has been compromised.” He responds still staring at your eyes intently. 

Your eyebrows furrowed together, anger clearly evident on your face. He leans down to you “Don’t be such a pouty baby, it causes wrinkles.” He says smiling at you. You spit in his face causing him to stand back up with a disgusted yell. “Your breath smells like tuna juice and ass.” You say slyly at him. A small smirk forms on your lips. At your actions, he gets furious. He pulls out a needle filled with liquid. Your eyes widen as you try to shift away but he injects it into your neck causing your eyelids to feel too heavy to keep open. Your body drops to the floor as you black out.

You wake up on a cold metal table. A bright light shining in front of your face causes you to squint and look away. Your arms and legs are tethered down to each side of the table. 

“It seems like our guest is finally awake.” The same voice that had put you asleep speaks into the intercom. You look at your surroundings, a square room with walls of metal. You are placed in the very center of it, on the wall facing you, there is a one sided mirror. You presume that they’re looking at you through there. That or the camera placed in the corner or the roof. A door is right next to the mirror (you presume that’s the exit). Aside from that, you are left alone with your thoughts and the loud voice of a man.

“Did you creeps undress me?” You say as you look down to your body. Your Shield uniform replaced with a hospital gown-like dress.

“It was merely to ensure you didn’t have anything dangerous on your body.” The loud voice booms through the room again. “What do you want to do with me? If you want me to tell you any secrets, I’m sorry to inform you but I have no answers to any of your questions.” You spit out, your words cold like venom. 

The room goes silent for a while until the door unlocks and the doctor/scientist looking man walks in. Accompanied with him is another man in a lab coat, much younger looking than him, and a man dressed in black who you assume was the man named Rumlow. The younger guy in the lab coat carries a cart of a bunch of surgical tools and needles. You gulp hoping that they wouldn’t have to use any of that on you.

“Now, let’s get down to business shall we?” The old man in the lab coat walks up to you. “You can call me Doctor.” He says looking at you standing in front of your table.

“That’s it? Just, Doctor? Did your parents name you that or did you just decide to be mysterious and name yourself Doctor.” You ask quizzically. “Yes, it’s just Doctor. I just feel as if it is better for you to not know my name.” He mutters to himself as he puts on gloves.

“Wait, Doc. I thought we agreed to my plan first.” Rumlow asks the doctor. “Ah, you’re right. Well, I guess we could start with your idea first.” The doctor responds as he steps back allowing Rumlow to step closer to you. 

“Where did all the documents go?” Rumlow asks waiting no time as they push a button to make it so the table faces towards the ceiling. Your head now above your feet as you are placed in a standing-like position. 

“Well, I’m sure you already know that it’s going to Shield.” You respond nonchalantly. 

“Where is Shield located?” He asks, putting a hand against the table, propping himself up. “How should I know, they’re changing their hideouts every damn day. For all I know they could be in the middle of the pacific ocean.” You chuckle out. 

“Then tell us where the hell your main base is.” He grows more irritated at your calm expression. “Did you not hear what I said earlier? I’m not telling any of you any-” You try to finish your sentence until a strong fist comes in contact with your gut. The surprising contact makes you lunge your head forward, your fists clenching tightly. 

“What-” You were about to curse at him until a hand comes in contact with your face, slapping you. You wince as the slap makes your already bruised face sore once again. “I don’t want to repeat myself, answer us or else you will go through a hell of pain.” He says coldly as he whispers it into your ears. 

“I’d rather die.” You didn’t mean the words you said, you very much love your life but you realized a long time ago that your life matters less than the hundreds of lives that would be affected by your confession to where Shield was located at. 

“Very well then, Doc let’s start some surgery.” He grins menacingly at you as he holds his hands out waiting for the younger guy in the lab coat to come over. Rumlow looks down at the artillery of surgical devices and grabs a scalpel. 

“Tell me where Shield is located and that pretty skin of yours can go unscathed.” He starts to drag the small knife down your skin, causing goosebumps to rise in its path. “I’m really starting to hate the smell of old spice and overly masculine cologne.” You say as you stare at Rumlow, his scent of wood and forest making your head nauseous. 

His eyebrows furrow together as he slices a piece of your arm writing out an ‘H’. “Let’s play hangman, everytime you decide not to answer us or to aggravate me, I’ll add an extra letter.” You wince in pain as trickles of blood fall down from the H. 

“This will be a bitch to cover up by a tattoo wouldn’t it be.” You joke as another letter gets added, this time much rougher causing you to yell out in pain. The letter Y is drawn making you realize it’s probably “HYDRA” that he’s going to inscribe on you.

Ideally, you realize you should just close your mouth and not talk at all but you’ve never been one to be serious. You grew up using jokes and humor as a cope and it translated to your everyday manner. That’s what made Maria fall for you in the first place though. Your ability to make her laugh and calm down made her feel safe with you. You two contrasted each other but meshed so well together. She was always the one to bring you back to earth, make you focus on what’s important in times of need. You were the one to make her let her hair down, live life a little looser when she was caught up in too much work.

You smile at the fond memories of you and Maria partying and having fun together. “You smiling at me? You think this is some fucking joke?” Rumlow yells in your face, a bit of his spit landing on your cheek causing you to close your eyes in disgust. He draws up the letter D in a rage filled state. Every cut getting increasingly more painful. Your yelps getting louder as you turn your head away from him. 

“Rumlow, don’t you think we should calm it on the slicing.” The doctor steps in grimacing at the blood flowing from your arm. “No, this bitch thinks everythings a joke. We need to make her talk, make her realize how damn serious we are.” He slaps your face again with his free hand making you open your eyes up and face him. The cool breeze hitting your arms making you groan in agony.

“She’ll die of blood loss before we can even get on with my plan!” The doctor yells at Rumlow taking away the scalpel from him. Your eyes start to droop. The blood spewing out of your arms making your brain too dizzy to stay awake. “Fuck! Don’t faint on me, I still haven’t finished with you yet.” Rumlow says holding onto the collar of your shirt to bring you closer to him. His hands slapping your face back and forth to try and make you regain consciousness. 

“That is not helping!” The doctor says as he gets his assistant to grab Rumlow and hold him back. They force Rumlow to leave but not before he punches a wall yelling out russian curse words.

“Alright, get the stitches and bandages. We need her breathing for our experiment.” The doctor’s voice is the last voice you hear as you once again pass out. This time from the blood loss.

“They’re gone. The whole place seems to have been evacuated.” An agent says through their ear piece back to Maria. 

“Damn it! Fuck!” Maria yells out as she slams her hands on the table in front of her. All the agents in the room turning their heads to stare wide eyed at her. 

They had never seen their co-director this angry before. Sure, she’s had the occasional angered face and grimace but never has she vocalized it. She’s yelled before but never out in anger, especially by using foul language. She always composed herself before a curse word would slip out. 

“Agent Hill, let’s take a walk.” Director Fury says as he walks up behind her noticing the commotion. He lets her calm down before she turns around and speed walks away from Fury. He catches up to her by a small jog. 

“I think you damn well near scared all of those agents in there shitless.” He says, chuckling to himself. He matches Maria’s walking pace as she walks into the armory room.

“How could you be so calm, let alone LAUGH at this situation? They have Y/N and god knows where the hell she is.” She turns around facing Fury with an angered face that he hadn’t seen before. 

“Coulson is tracking her right now. The chip you placed in her shoes is being traced right now, I’m sure we’ll find her.” He says trying to calm her down. She stomps away opening a locker in the armory room. 

“I have no doubt we’ll find her, it’s just a matter if we find her alive. She could be hurt, or worse!” Maria says frantically as she grabs guns and bullet proof armor. “And what’s your plan, to ride a jet all over the Earth until we find her?” Fury says holding the guns and shoving them back in the locker. 

“You have no idea where she is, you staying here is the best idea until we can actually track her down.” He says holding an arm out over the locker to make it so she can’t open it back up. “We’re all worried, Hill, but right now nothing will be solved with you running around trying to find her when Coulson is already on it.”

For the first time since Maria’s wedding, Fury sees her cry. She held her hands over her eyes trying to stop the flow of tears that fell. Her breathing quickened as she started sobbing. Fury was unsure at what to do, he had never seen his co-director sob before. Sure, the occasional tears that came at marrying her wife but never such sadness was conveyed by Maria. He opted to pat her back soothingly, unsure of whether he should leave and let her have space or to stay and comfort her. Hell, who was he kidding, he’s never had to comfort anyone before. His say it like he means it cold attitude made it so he was never one to have anyone seek comfort in him. Usually it’d be you that Maria confides in but clearly you’re not here right now. 

A couple of agents walk into the armory room laughing and talking until they stop in their tracks noticing their director and co-director in the same room. Fury notices the pair and yells, “Get out!” Effectively making them fearful, their backs turning to run away from the scene.

Fury sighs as he goes and closes the door to the room. Once returning to his original spot he sits down on a bench and starts to talk. “You know, I used to think this was an awful mistake you were making. Going ahead and dating a girl like Agent Y/L/N?” He chuckles out, his hands landing on his thighs. 

“She wasn’t the first agent to make jokes, bad ones at that, but she was the first agent to make you laugh.” Maria chuckles at what he says. Her sobbing now turned into small sniffles. “I remember the day you got shot during the battle against Loki, she was the first to tend your wounds. Maybe that was the most serious I’ve ever seen her be.” He says as he pats the empty space on the bench next to him allowing Maria to take a seat. She accepts his silent offer as she sits down wiping her eyes clean of tears. 

“You know, I’ve grown to like her jokes, it makes this serious job sometimes feel less intimidating. A quick crack of a joke from her makes the atmosphere lighter, reminds us that we’re all still humans with emotional and physical needs.” He says facing her. “I’m glad you chose to marry her in the end.” He cracks a smile. The first genuine smile she’s seen from her Director in a while. Not a smile from laughing or being fake nice, a real smile that curls his lips. He gives Maria one last final pat on the back as he stands up, heading out of the door. 

Just as he reached the door, it opens with an agent running in urgently. Fury is about to yell again until the agent opens his mouth speaking quickly. “Coulson found her. They found where Agent Y/L/N is located!” He says quickly, causing Maria to spring up from her seat. 

You wake back up to a pinch in your arm vein. You look over to see the doctor injecting a needle filled with green liquid through your arm. You try to move but your whole body was confined down. A piece of tape covering over your mouth as you try to scream out. Nothing but frantic yelps from your throat come out. 

“Alright, that’s the last of it, chap.” The doctor says to you, patting your cheek lightly. You try shaking your head but your forehead is confined by metal to the table too. It’s something straight out of a horror movie. 

The doctor yells something in Russian through the room and a younger Russian voice comes out of the speaker. After a couple seconds, your body starts to convulse. The metal table turning into one giant taser. You widen your eyes as you try to break out of your confinement, nothing working. 

After a couple more seconds, the zapping stops causing you to breath violently through your nose. Teardrops sliding down the side of your eyes. “Why did it not work!” The Russian doctor yells walking closer to you.

“Maybe we should up the dosage?” The voice from the intercom responds as the doctor grabs a much larger needle filled with the same green liquid. “Very well, time for test 2.” He injects the large syringe back into the spot where you were first injected. The pain from the needle is nothing comparable to the pain from the shocks of electricity you just went through. 

The doctor finishes and steps back once again, you notice he stands behind a line of bright yellow tape. Your eyes widen once again, knowing what’s about to happen. “We’re ready.” The doctor yells out. The table frying your insides once again with its electricity. You’re sure you’ve never felt such intense pain before. Your feet and hands wiggle uncontrollably as it is the only things you can move. 

The table stops its mini bolts of lightning once again. Your eyes close shut, tears fully flooding your vision. “Why won’t this work!” The doctor furiously walks towards you again. His hands reach the tape over your mouth, ripping it off. The fresh air hits your face as you open your mouth to gasp.

“Why.” Is all you can mutter to him, your voice too weak to talk. “The real question that should be asked is why do my serums not work on you?” He frantically asks, checking your body for any changes in appearance. “Shield will come for you.” You mutter through gritted teeth. Your eyes bloodshot red with tears. 

The Russian doctor merely laughs at you. “Shield? You’ve been stuck here for weeks, kid. They’ve left you here to die! We saved you, be grateful.” He laughs in front of your face. Your eyes widen. Had they really left you here for weeks? How long have you been out for? The metal prison you’ve been confined to stripped of clocks or ways of telling you how many days it's been. No windows or lights, the only light is the one shining down on you. 

In all reality, it had only been a couple of hours. The doctor knew that destroying your hope could potentially make his chemical concoction work. “They don’t care about you. None of them do. Don’t you think those Avenger friends of yours would be here by now if they actually gave two shits about you?” He says caressing your face causing you to lean away. 

“You’re trying to kill me.” You mutter out as you clench your hands on the metal table. “Oh, this bad boy? Don’t worry about it, it hurts enough to cause pain but not enough to kill you. I mean, sure. Maybe if we left you on it for a prolonged amount of time. But I’m sure you can last 15 seconds on it.” He says smiling as he pulls out another syringe with green liquid. “This is to make you greater than what you already are. You’ll become a superhero. Or, well. In this situation a villain?” He covers your lips back up with the tape. He injects your arm with the same dose of green liquid as before.

“Let’s go again. Test 3.” He walks back to behind his yellow line. You sit there defeated as more tears fall down your face. You knew that still Maria cared about you but you thought that you were too far away for them to track you now. Your thoughts drift off to Maria, hoping that imaging her face would make this ordeal less painful. 

Right as they start shocking you, the door bursts open. Heavily armored Shield agents walked in pointing their guns at the doctor. You hadn’t realized it yet as your body was currently in visceral pain. The only thing you hear are sounds of electricity hitting the table behind you and your muffled screams.

“Oh my god. Someone turn that thing off!” Maria yells seeing you on the table strapped down and convulsing. It had only been 40 seconds that you were on the table but to you, it felt like days.

The zapping finally stops as one of the agents pressed a button from behind the mirror to make it stop. The metal clamps holding your body down release too as Maria runs up to you. Scared to even hold you. Your eyes are barely able to open. The mix of bright lights, intense pain, and yelling from the Shield agents causing all of your senses to flood. Tears flowing out as you sob silently, feeling your body being picked up by one of the stronger, taller Shield agents. You hear Maria saying “Be gentle with her,” as she holds your hand the whole time on your evacuation out of the building.

It had been two weeks if not nearing three weeks since your torturous confinement. The nightmares had been constant and your once lively self became depressed and tired. Around the two weeks mark you had moved out of Maria’s room opting to sleep in your own room afraid of your nightmares causing her work and everyday performance to suffer. Your lack of conversation to her worried her more than your nightmares. 

You used to tell her everything about your day. From the good things that happened to the shitty things that you had to rant about. Now you confined yourself to your room, only opening the door to accept food that Maria made or ordered. Dr. Cho had checked up on you once a week and everything seemed to be fine. They had said that there was something wrong with your blood but they were taking time to run tests, until then they weren’t sure what was injected in you.

Your body healed, the scars caused by Rumlow were being treated. The only thing that hadn’t been treated was your body mentally. Dr. Cho had offered therapy but you rejected the suggestion multiple times. Thinking that the faster you healed, the faster you would get back to work. You didn’t have time for trivial things like therapy sessions you thought. 

That was until one day, you had a specifically bad nightmare. Phantom pains of the electricity hitting your skin over and over again keeping you awake. Thoughts of Maria and all the other Shield agents leaving you to die on that cold metal table, alone and afraid. Sobs wracked your body and you felt yourself unable to breathe. You were so lost in your panic that you hadn’t noticed the hand coming over your back. You flinched away until you looked up through your blurry eyes noticing Maria. She snuck in your room the moment she heard your loud sobs. Her heart being unable to handle hearing the pain you were in.

She hesitated, afraid of touching you again but you leaned in this time. Welcoming her warmth. Maria freezes until she realizes your muffled cries are covered by her chest. She hugs you, pulling her arms behind your back and holding you close, never wanting to let go. Her head rests on top of yours, occasionally pecking kisses on your forehead.

You mutter out “I’m sorry,” to her over and over again, sorry about waking her up and causing her so much trouble these past weeks. She shushes you replying with “It’s okay,” as she caresses your hair, rubbing soothing circles on your back with her other hand.

After your crying had calmed down and all that remained were sniffles, you leaned back. “Can you stay with me tonight?” You ask, your voice barely above a whisper as you held her hands in your own refusing to meet her eyesight. “Of course.” You don’t see it but a smile breaks on Maria’s face, the first time in days that she’s been able to just hold you.

Maria had never been one to fancy cuddling or physical touch. That was until she met you. You were like a koala, always holding onto her. You would find any excuse to hold her hand or give her a kiss. She hadn’t realized how much she relied on your body warmth to fall asleep. Resulting in her cuddling your pillow in hopes of getting some of your scent back. 

“I promise you’re safe with me.” She says as the two of you lie down, your back touching the front of her chest. Maria tightly spoons you whispering I love you’s over and over as you hold her hand in your own. You whisper back an “I love you,” before you fall asleep. Your voice soft but just loud enough for Maria to be able to hear, resulting in a large smile breaking out on her face. 

That night the two of you have the best rest you’ve had in weeks. Content in each other’s arms and comfort.

When morning came, Maria was the first to wake. Her hardwired sleep schedule of waking up really early in the morning never changed no matter the time she slept at. She decided to call Fury later and tell him that she’s taking time off of work today to just stay in your arms, hoping to enjoy this moment a little longer. 

She cuddled into your neck a little closer as she felt you shift in your sleep. She inhaled your scent, smiling to herself. Oh how she missed the smell of pina colada. It’s only a couple minutes until you wake up, you yawn as you turn your body over, hugging Maria tightly as your head hides under her neck.

“I’ve missed your koala snuggles.” She whispers into your hair, giving it a quick kiss. “And, I’ve missed you most of all.”

You smile at her words, forgetting about all the bad things that have happened to you in the past weeks. “I’m sorry.” You mutter again. She leans back to pull your chin up to meet her eye line, “I thought I told you that it’s all okay and that there’s nothing you should be sorry about.” 

You shake your head as you pull away from her hold. “No, I’m sorry for…everything. For making your life so difficult and then pushing you away. I thought that I’d be less of a burden if you didn’t have to worry about me.” You sit up bringing your knees to your face. 

Maria sits up as well, putting a hand over your back, “You’re never a burden to me. And, I’ll admit that you pushing me away hurt…but I understand that we all have our ways of dealing with things. You don’t have to change immediately but please don’t leave me in the dark again.” She pushes a piece of hair out of your face as you lean up. “Okay.” You respond quietly, smiling back at her. 

Throughout the day you two sat together enjoying each other’s company. No words needing to be exchanged. Maria knew that if you wanted to open up to her about anything, you would’ve. 

It was after dinner time and the Shield agents were having a little movie watch-along. Maria had asked if you wanted to join, saying that it was alright if you weren’t ready yet and that the two of you could spend a night alone together instead. You shook your head and decided to join. You wanted to see your friends again, showing them all that you were okay.

When the two of you joined the living room in the big building, all of your friends ran up to you giving you hugs. You forgot how nice it was to be in the company of others. “We’re watching Tusk today!” A guy comes out of his room holding a dvd.

You’re familiar with that movie. A horror movie about this crazy scientist who kidnapped some reporter and turned him into a seal. 

The whole room goes silent as they awkwardly glance at you. “Well, we could watch a Disney movie instead! Princess and the Frog anyone?” The guy quickly says as he realizes you’ve joined them for movie night.

“No, no. It’s okay, I don’t mind watching Tusk with you guys.” You smile lightly at them. Their curious gazes not sure what to do. They either watch Tusk or risk belittling you buy not watching Tusk. They opt to watch Tusk in the end. 

Throughout the movie Maria’s arm is wrapped around your shoulder as you curl up in a ball next to her on the couch. You realized that watching Tusk in the end was an awful idea as your mind starts going back to flashbacks of what had happened to you all those weeks ago. 

Your breathing becomes labored just slightly. Not enough for the team to notice but enough for Maria to pick up realizing that something was wrong. “You okay?” She whispers in your ear not wanting to interrupt the movie. “Yeah, I think I had too much soda.” You whisper back, chuckling as you stand up and maneuver through the bodies of people sitting on the floor and legs of people on the couch.

You reach the bathroom in your’s and Maria’s shared room as you hold onto the sink. Your fists clenching the sides of it as you start to breathe heavily. Your mind flashing back to the pain you felt on that table. 

It had been a while since you went to the bathroom, Maria gets up to check up on you. As she walks into the bathroom she notices you breathing heavily. “Y/N/N, are you alright?” She approaches your body. As she attempts to wrap an arm around you, you yell out. Your body going green as your size doubles. Maria stands back seeing you grow so tall, muscles erupting through your arms. Your yells become growls as you run out of the room, breaking a couple walls on your way out from your size. 

You run into the living room grabbing the TV off from its cable and throw it across the room. The agents sitting around stand up and jump away from you. They pull out guns from hidden spots in the room and aim at you ready to shoot.

“Wait!” Maria yells out running after you. “It’s Y/N!” She stands in front of you putting distance from you and the agents. “I don’t care who or what that is, we need to get her to calm down before she breaks more than just a TV.” A voice comes from the hallway. Fury walks out with a pistol in his pajamas.

You roar out and run towards the agents about to attack them as they start firing their guns at you. You put your hands in front of your face, the bullets blocking your vision. Of course, none of the bullets hurt you but you found them extremely annoying. “Call Banner!” Fury yells out to Maria. She immediately runs to grab a phone to call up Bruce Banner. 

You grab one of the agents causing them to scream as you stare at them in anger. Fury then grabs a chair from the dining table and throws it at your head. You turn your back around to face Fury, dropping the agent from your hold.

“Ah shit.” He mutters as he starts running towards the elevator. He makes it in before you and is about to close the door on you when you grab the two sliding doors and push them apart, opening the elevator for you to grab Fury. “Damn!” He yells as you roar into his face. Your grip on him is suffocating. 

Maria sighs and grabs pans and plates from the kitching. She starts throwing them at you, making you follow her as she runs down the stairs. Fury still in your palms yelling at Maria and asking her when Bruce was going to arrive. 

She finally reaches the bottom of the stairs, opening the door and runnin out to the front desk where the night shift receptionist is rightfully stunned at the sight in front of her. 

“Y/N! Drop him! Drop Fury right now!” She yells out as you break the door to the front desk. Maria runs out of kitchenware to throw and grabs pencils from the pencil cup to throw at you much to the receptionist’s annoyance. 

You roar out and drop Fury. You run towards Maria at full speed as she stays put, clenching her eyes as she is prepared to be hit by you. Until you stop and kneel in front of her. Maria opens her eyes to see what had happened. She sees Bruce behind you, a dart shooter in his hand. 

“Elephant tranquilizer!” He yells out showing them his darts. Your body collapses down, your back revealing three darts. “Really?” Maria says in annoyance. “What, worked on me.” He said laughing as he walks over prepared to lift your body up.

You wake up on a hospital bed. Your arms and legs strapped down as you see someone about to inject a needle into you. “No! Stop!” You scream out, your body shaking in the bed trying to break out of your leather constraints. Your mind wanders back to the torture you went through. Thinking you’ve somehow been captured again or that everything had been one big fever dream. 

“Hey, hey Y/N it’s okay.” You hear the voice of your wife to the left of you. You turn your head and see her putting a hand on your palm trying to comfort you. “It’s okay.” 

You turn your head and see Dr. Cho standing there with a needle in her hand. In the corner of the room Bruce is standing there. “What- What’s happening?” You frantically ask, still trying to remove your hands from the restraints.

“Sorry about tying you up, we weren’t sure if you’d go Hulk on us again.” Maria caresses your face making you turn your head towards her. She quickly makes work removing the leather restraints.

“There, better?” You nod slightly, you’re confused at what they mean. “We’re just going to draw some more blood for testing, I can assure you nothing is in here.” Dr. Cho says as she walks up to you with the empty syringe that’s sizably large. Your body tenses again seeing the needle but a soft hand makes its way onto yours. Clasping it for comfort, instantally easing you out of your anxiety filled state.

“Okay.” You whisper out, barely audible but just loud enough for the women around you to hear. When Cho’s needle gets closer to your skin, you instinctively turn your head to the side. Your eyes meeting Maria’s with a soft smile gracing her lips. “It’ll be alright my love. I won’t let anything harm you again.” She mutters as she leans in for a kiss. Her soft lips connecting with yours makes you forget about the pain of the needle.

“There we go. It’s all over with.” Cho backs up and places the needle away. She grabs a bandaid and covers the tiny hole she poked in your arm in which she drew the blood out of. Bruce walks up to you at the edge of the bed.

“Kid, I think you and I have more things in common now.” He says trying to give you some comfort. You smile at him and say, “Stop calling me that, I’m not a kid.” In response, he shrugs, “You’re still younger than me, definitely still a kid in my eyes.”  

Once they all leave, allowing you and Maria to be on your own. She grabs hold of both of your hands, placing her forehead on yours. Your noses almost touching as you two close your eyes, enjoying this serene moment. “I hurt people, didn't I.” You whisper out, your voice trembling at the end. “I hurt you.” 

“You didn’t hurt me, sure some of our agent friends and maybe Fury are pretty shaken up, but somehow you knew not to squeeze 'em too hard. Almost as if your She-Hulk self still had a moral compass.” She chuckles out, her hands now coming up to your face. 

“So, I guess I really am a Hulk now?” You ask leaning back and looking down at your hands. “Whatever you are, I don’t care. We can go on this journey together.” You smile up at her, so much love is encompassing your heart hearing her say this.

“I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you, I would’ve never been able to forgive myself.” You lean in to hug her tightly, not wanting to let go. “You could never hurt me.” She whispers into your neck, hugging you back.

“Should I call Cho to get you back to the compound?” She says her head still comfortably sitting in between your neck. “Can we just stay like this for a while.” You say shaking your head not wanting to let go of her warm body. “Forever if you want.”

#﹔﹒ korro writes﹒ ෆ #maria hill x reader #maria hill x you #maria hill fanfic #maria hill angst

[danpuff-ao3]

✄ what’s your editing process? also ▵ pick a fic and I’ll tell you my favorite line for Devotion!!! also ✦ what was your easiest fic to write & your hardest? <3

Squashy! Thanks for the asks!

✄ what’s your editing process?

Hmmm. Avoidance. Then crying. 😂 Oh and complaining. I hate editing. I loathe it. I do some editing as I go. If I'm stuck I sorta stare at what I have and poke a bit. Once a draft is done I give it at least a once over. Start to finish, catching typos, and if anything feels iffy I'll pause and prod a bit.

Aside from catching typos, I'm prone to deleting things. I'm generally happy with the shape of my work, since I spend so much time crafting it while getting it down at the start. Occasionally things need to be shifted or reworded, which I really hate.

My OCD tends to spiral, so it's safest for me to create distance and not let myself spend too much time on it. If I worry too much about perfection, but work would never be shared at all. It's hard for me to strike balance, so I do what I can.

▵ pick a fic and I’ll tell you my favorite line for: Devotion!!!

Omg noooooo. 😭 I'm proud of so much with that fic. But there are bits of it I shared early on in the process that I forever am pulled back to.

He is the blazing sun. The harsh light beneath which nothing can hide, and nothing survives.

✦ what was your easiest fic to write & your hardest? <3

Ooooh lordy. Let's see.

For easiest, my first thought was Lover Boy at Play. I basically wrote it in a day and it was one of the most self-indulgent fics I've written; however I do remember a few failed attempts at writing the fic before. Before I realized what the original idea was missing (Parseltongue kink!!) Once I got the new version started it flowed right out of me!

But with that...maybe the real answer is Cruel Summer, as angsty and problematic as it is. I wrote, edited, and posted it in a day and while the idea had been with me for a while, that really was my first attempt at writing it.

For hardest, I'll also give 2.

Collateral Damage was one of my first fest fics, written for Ron-Draco Fest. I was 10k into the first version when I had to scrap it and start all over. I fought every step of the way on that fic, but it came out so dang good, if I do say so myself.

But the worst time was Contempt. I cried over that fic. I was pulling out hair. I was devastated, because I loved it so much but had so little faith in it. I really gave that fic my all. I've never worked so hard on anything in my life. And I loved it so, so much. I've never worked harder on a project, given a project so much of myself, or been prouder of any given work. The writing and editing of that fic was pure misery.

But that fic is my heart and soul and everyone who has read it and loved it, I love you so much, thank you for reading it and loving it with me 🥺 I genuinely have endless feelings about that fic and I forever need to scream about it.

fic ask game!

#asked & answered

[seven-stars-in-his-palm]

who says you're not getting an ask? because I'm giving you one right now!

anyway, I'm curious about Burn Fast, Burn Bright. not anything specific really, just surprise me ig. I love that fic of yours a whole lot as I'm sure I've stated to you before.

CAN WE GET ON WITH THIS?? TY!!! fic in question, which is OLD as HELL and I got second hand embarrassment from all the things I could’ve done better MAN. here are my thoughts before we get into it;

- this was the second fic I’d written for stanuary, and one of the longer fics I’ve written Ever actually. 15k words. I don’t know how I was able to produce so many words for these events ngl I hope I can redo that this year ANYWAY. first impressions? shallow angst. I think that’s what this is gonna be TO ME, because I’m the author and I hate myself. this was written almost a year ago… ough

- the descriptions will be Okay, but could be Better. I think I’ve gotten better at those hopefully.

- I was writing a lot of 80s angst during this time period and this was the second in that bunch. loose ties and ends, that one kid from jersey, unfortunate ends, like?? I was on a roll. what was wrong with me (still wrong with me)

- the gnomes are here? damn. I like gnomes

- oh that summary. already fucking me up

- I’m going in with the mindset that even at the time I knew that there was improvement to be had. This is my growing. I’m STILL growing. we can do this. I was still trying to find my groove. NOW LETS GOOOOOO

He’s left the damned duffel bag.

The one thing he had to take, and he’s left it behind. Stan has nothing to curse but his own self, because how is he so stupid as to not notice for a whole day? He’d spent the whole day driving through Oregon, hopping from gas station to gas station and it’s only now, the next morning, that he realizes there are no extra clothes to change into?

already onto a great start /genuine. an earlier draft had this to be a Lot more aggressive—using exclamation points and harsher language and shit, but once I realized that it would be a little odd that we start so strong, I toned it down. I think it gives a bit more of ‘resonate despondence’, which is very (sometimes) stan

Ford had always been bad at explaining things. He always expected the listener to know exactly what he’s talking about, be at his exact intelligence level, so that his ‘explaining’ could be understood with just a few words. 100% of the time, that isn’t the case.

literally me. best but of ford characterization someone could have conjured fr

okay already a detour but did you guys know I read my fics in my head in a VERY SPECIFIC tone, and that’s why most of the italicizations and em dashes exist? that’s why they’re there because if someone doesn’t read it the way I do I slowly die inside /silly I still do it today and I have to remind myself that I shouldn’t have to do everything for my reader. I should trust them.

(Yeah, Stan wants to let his anger out, but he’s not gonna kill the guy. Ford looks fragile enough as it is, and if he fights any harder he’ll probably break his leg or a rib. No point in damaging him, really.)

yes that’s so nice stan. you’re such a good brother dude oh my GOD IM—

this whole ford pleading scene here. here’s some bits;

“It…” Ford inhales deeply. “It’s not forever. I just need it away.”

“I don’t—Stan, I don’t want you to sail away to the ends of the Earth.”

“This—this, right here, I can’t do it.” Ford gestures to the portal wildly, giving it a scowl that could give Stan a run for his money. He almost thinks it’s directed at him, since he stands in front of the machine’s eye. “I can’t fix this!”

oh I’m feeling the feelings what the fuck. I can hear the last dialogue SO WELL. I remember vividly rewatching atots like four times just to listen to the fight and I’m still not desensitized. like the way ford delivers such a genuinely misguided request and seeing nothing wrong with how it might be worded which ALSO being on the verge of snapping? yeah ford I’ll give you a pass you’re going through shit. I’m so glad it still reads!!!

“I’m already too far gone, Stanley, an-and I can’t think of anyone else, anyone who would want to help.”

ohhhhhi can hear this too. it’s a Hint you know. it’s supposed to tip you off; something is REALLY wrong….

okay I’m restraining myself from pasting this entire ford exchange but it’s so GOOD. I’m flattering myself. And I didn’t even take that long on it I remember I wrote most of chapter one in a single burst. everything you see? barely edited. all put on at once. threw up on a page. I was feeling things

Ford sets the Journal aside. He, aside from the glaring obvious, does not look shaken up. “Yes, I know. Never… see me again.”

He sounds bitter. Almost too bitter for his liking. It’s almost contagious, from how it seems to roll off him and outwardly.

“You…” Stan has to phrase this kindly. “You know I don’t want that, right?”

Ford doesn’t relax. Instead, his gaze only darkens. “I know.”

i remember crying. I was tearing UP. that’s them. that’s something I would say if I were stan. make sure they know that I don’t want that. I…!!!!

Stan wonders what Stan will say.

one of the few bits I was smiling for when writing this….

So he should be here.

I forgot the name for this literary device even though I started using it religiously after this BUT YEAHHHHHHHH GET OUR FEELINGS BABE

not gonna paste it but what ford(‘s body) is hiding by. I’m gonna be honest despite watching atots so much I forgot where the portal opened. like dead ass, so I made it up. the bookshelf is supposed to be the portal. I think the fic ‘by the skin of your teeth’ was still severely affecting me and that was the portal in that fic. this is what you get when you don’t check your references. it literally happened to me yesterday! I was finishing up chapter six of do you remember hanging up the stars and it was about aziraphale and crowley on the ark back in 3000 bc right. I forgot what the ark looked like other than a Single Memory so I bullshitted it. I then remembered I had a Resource, Checked, and it was. well I completely forgot about where the humans would’ve gone. lol

I can’t paste it all bc it’s like the whole fic but Stan’s DENIAL. the way he’s sooooo deep in it that it’s a physical jarring when he’s ripped out of it. he’s literally such a denial grieved it’s SICK and I can’t believe I wrote it so easily. Ahem. that says things I think whether good or bad is up to your interpretation

some of these dialogues are weirdly cut off. I think Stan’s a lot more of a run on sentencer. hm

okay now I’m getting into the secondhand embarrassment that would probably be extreme heartbreak had into created this. I think at this point I was very emotionally worn down; not just from writing but Life too. there’s not much to say. it just Exists

oh that fucking letter. fucking letters. I love ford letters you know that they’re so delectable especially when he’s allowed to make them long. this WHOLE THING. wow. and the way he OPENS IT. classic ‘we don’t have much time’ action type beat *writes a two paged letter*. also the crossing out things. I’m a fucking genius. augh

I don’t know if you would like to stay in Gravity Falls after this, but I would like you to do two things, the two things I could not.

UHM EXCUSE ME YOU REALLY THINK SO?? LIKE GENUINELY??? woah buddy. anyways this hurts me because I know he’s being genuine about this he DOESNT know if Stan would like to stay. he doesn’t know. HE DOESNT KNOW—

Unless there is an afterlife, this is Stanford Pines, your brother, signing off.

(Thank you, Stan. For everything.)

THAT. THAT? I was kicking my little evil feet oh I WAS. I was thinking ‘what could I do in character that could REALLY fuck you up?’ and I landed there. I loved it so much I literally used the thank you ploy again for a recent whumptober entry and it STILL HIT FOR ME. like. ford and thank yous. always painful 🥹

Two: After all this?

Stan isn’t planning to last a week.

see look it’s funny because. because the summary is about stan always following through with his plans. it was a parallel. he went through with a plan and it resulted in ford fucking off the face of the earth. so now he’s got a new one. new mission, new plan, new end. I loved thatshit…..

He didn’t expect for the pawn off to be so violent.

I had a very different opening here; it was something with bill watching everything before unfold and THEN cut to ford going through with the plan? but then I decided ‘hey wait a sec we never see stan LEAVE after that little flashback. how did that leaving go?’ and now we’re here. damn I even had an alt opening

now that we know ford’s suicide is inevitable (and that we’re in his head) I start slathering that foreshadowing everywhere….

“Okay. Okay, I’ll go. But I’m comin’ back, ya hear me? I’m not leavin’ you again.”

it’s giving crowley saying ‘I’m coming back, I won’t leave you alone’. hehehe

It does untangle, after a few seconds of frantic pulling and Ford’s shouting beforehand.

Stan doesn’t have the decency to apologize. He flaps his palm as if he got burned. “Yeesh. Your hair’s a mess.”

look it’s funny because. because. well you know. hair untangling. corpse

“And get some fucking sleep! You look half-dead!”

There it is.

yeahhhhhhh I was just being mean. stan babygirl he’s already going to do it. don’t add insult to injury

It was time to enact Plan A. If Plan A didn’t work (which it had to. He didn’t even have a Plan B) then it’d be time to panic.

the original title for this fic (like the FIRST ONE. not when I turned this into a two parter) was called ‘Plan B’, because 1) plan A indeed does not work and plan b is suicide, and 2) B for Bill. :)

But knowing Stanley, he’d find a way to show just how pissed off he was at Ford even if he was in the afterlife.

:) x2. still proud of this

When Fiddleford first learned of the gnomes, he was more than disturbed. Almost spooked. Ford had insisted that as long as you had bug spray and mushrooms, they would be manageable. Sadly, Fiddleford had thought mushrooms ‘takin’ care of the problem’ would be in warding them away, that mushrooms were a repellant of some kind.

FIDDLEFORD MY BELOVED!!!! I love writing beats like this I still do. it’s just so nice to take random hcs and put them in the most tense and matter of fact situations just to distract us a little. make us look away, but not entirely. ough

He wants to shake on it.

it’s the little traumas that break our hearts.

okayyyyyy I’ll be honest ford leaving the portal for someone else to kill it is Very ooc. I’ll admit that. but I need my Scenario!!!!! I don’t regret it. just know that I acknowledge it. *cries*

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the ‘method’. oh ‘the method’. fucking kills me. he debated ont his. rationally. RATIONALLY I WAS LITERALLY THAT ONE MEME THATS SCREAMING AT MY CHARACTERS TO STOP BUT IM THE ONE WHOS PUTTING THEM THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE—

ough. the bullet points. okay I’m running out of commentary steam but let me say this. I asked for hcs on my blog right? so I could put some of those here because even I run out of hcs eventually, and people DELIVERED. I loved them. I put every single one in at least One point, and seeing these tiny memories just spring up at he’s doing this is like that thing with the fiddleford/mushrooms bit. he’s distracting himself. making th situation less scary in his eyes. OUGH

OH AND THE PILLS NOT BEING FORD’S BUT STAN’S? ONE OF MY KAST ALTERATIONS BUT SOOOOOOO WORTH IT. NO NOTES JUST ULTIMATE ANGST

Ford had considered being a doctor for some time while in elementary school. It was a given, considering his intelligence and avid nature towards sciences. His love for the supernatural always gave in however, and it has won every battle. But for a long time after, a part of him wanted to be a chemist, a manufacturer, a creator. Sure, it soon became a pipe dream, but for a while it was a genuine choice.

But Ford is an experimenter. He realized early on that he wouldn’t be able to resist pouring the components and chemicals on his skin, if only to see how they would react to human flesh.

motherfucker.that guy is literally me

btw these spaces after the em dashes are killing my soul. I remember once that I thought everyone else was wrong with no spaces and I was right. Oh, past me. No.

How could you not love someone like that?

God, he’s never going to see him again.

*SNIFF*

4.5 million humans in the world. 230 million humans in America. 7 million in New Jersey. 2 million in Oregon. Around sixty or seventy species of anomalies in Gravity Falls alone. And that doesn’t even account past Earth, if Crash Site Omega was accounted for.

I had to look all that shit up I don’t even know if it’s right. at first it’d been modern day stats but THEN I remembered that we’re in the fucking 1980s so ofc it’s different. ALSO LOOOK I FUCKED UP IT SAYS MILLION NOT BILLIONS. IM GONNA DIE. FUCK. either way we stay silly we stay silly!!! just know that little paragraph has caused me so much grief.

Ford always hated funerals.

this was the beginning of the ‘we hate funerals’ saga. still do hate them. I hate them, ford hates them, crowley hates them, ALL OF THE HOMIES HATE THEM 🫵🫵 /j

Mania is a feeling he knows well, and this is not that.

lmao name drop *i was on the verge of tears*

It’s Ford, the snow, and his candle, which has no more wax to burn.

THE TITLE THE TITLE THE TITLE—

the spacing. the html gave me sooooo much trouble but it was worth it!!!! every space was deliberated and checked and shit. ough. OUGH

okayyyy im capping it here because I’m so so tired. but!!! here it is. I just. wow. Less yet more corny than I thought this would be. I hope you enjoyed that little roller coaster, and I’m off on Life Adventures. Which means Errands. fuck…..

#ask game #the guys (with a z!) #so so so sorry my dude. but it’s here!!! ahH

[altraviolet]

Just caught up with The Echo Garden… holy shit.

I have so much respect for you rn. You’ve been updating this since 2020?? That’s incredible. It’s fics like yours that make me wanna write (even tho I’ve never finished a project ever but shhh). You’re an inspiration, I wanna create stories like yours. I don’t think I’ll be able to come close but am not about to lose hope. I cannot wait to see where The Echo Garden goes. Keep doing what you’re doing 💜

Thank you so much for the very kind ask! 💜 I started drafting Echo Garden in 2019 and posted the first chapter in 2020, yeah. Covid hit my professional and personal life hard, so writing and development went/are going a lot more slowly than I thought they would. Today I realized I've spent hundreds of hours on The Echo Garden and I felt mixed feelings about that, but messages like this make me feel better about it ;A;

I'm honored to be an inspiration and yes, don't lose hope!

Here's a story that might encourage you (or might not... let's find out):

In 2016 or 2017 I told a friend of mine I was thinking of writing TF fic, but I was really intimidated by the age of the fandom and the extent of the franchise. There were so many characters! And people seemed really, ah, protective of their built up headcanons. Fandom seemed to have these collective interpretations and understandings of characters that I was vastly unfamiliar with.

My friend recommended that I read a particular story, which was quite popular, to get an idea of what TF fic was like.

I read the fic (okay mostly, I did skip a little bit because it is a very dark and heavy fic). One of the chapters is, legit, I kid you not, the best thing I've ever read. Of anything. It's not my favorite thing I've ever read. It is the BEST thing I've ever read.

I put my head down on my desk and didn't write for a year.

(I literally put my head down on my desk. And I literally didn't write for a year.)

I knew I could never be that good. Why try?

But after a year, I had an idea. And, dammit, it wasn't an intricate, political longfic saga, but it was my idea and I wanted to write it. And I did. And a few people liked it. I wrote some more. Wrote a really long fic about my favorite pairing. A few more people liked that.

I'd had the idea for MTMTE Rodimus/TFP Soundwave forever, but didn't have a canon explanation for how they'd get together until Lost Light ended (thanks, JRO!). And I knew that what I wanted to do with it would take a lot of skill and thought and hard work to pull off. I didn't know if I was skilled enough to do it. After I finished the first rarepair longfic, I thought, "Well, I completed 150k and I have a canon-based explanation for how they meet. I'm as ready as I'll ever be." I was sooooooo nervous when I posted the first chapter.

To my utter shock, a whole lot of people have been reading Echo Garden :u

Which is very exciting!

But. I do wish I hadn't spent a year not writing because I thought I wasn't good enough, and I compared myself to that other author and that other fic. What I've written is different. I dunno if it's better, but why compare?

Anyway, don't give up!! Don't lose time to worrying about being good or not. Also, this is advice I've seen pro writers give: finish a project. Do your best. A little project :) See it through to the end. You can do it!

Thanks again for the kind ask =)

#ask #sp-teri #possibly inspiring story? #idk #don't do what I did #just keep practicing and writing or drawing or whatever #create. because the time will pass anyway

[a-trying-writer]

(hohu fic. rough draft. very rough draft. hmmmmm.)

The confession didn't feel right to Cat. While Maison knows how she feels, she wishes she could it over again. That proved to be difficult however, as she spent time going out with him.

Even though he knew she couldn't swim, he took her to the beach to gaze at the ocean for a little while. Later, they went to a park to enjoy some time there. Then the zoo.

Cat thought about how to explain herself during those outings, but Maison didn't give her the chance for her to do so properly. He seemed to be having fun at least, she thought.

Until they stopped at a cafe to get something to eat. The same cafe they often liked to go to when winding down after a long day dealing with "BUYERS" and customers.

"You were rather quiet today, Cat," Maison spoke up.

"I... didn't mean to be," she answered, as she sliced a piece of the chocolate cake with a plastic fork. As soon as it hit her tongue, it tasted like mint, before melting into chocolate. Nothing too out of the ordinary, but still good. "I had a lot on my mind."

"Is that so?" Maison tilted his head slightly, carrying that smile on his face. "Is it something that I should worry about?"

She paused to think it over, then shrugged. "Not really. It's just..." She tapped the fork against her lips a few times as she tried to find the right words to say. "I don't know. I want to say that I've been happy all this time, but honestly, I am more confused than anything. You know how I feel about you, and I could say 'I love you', but it doesn't feel like it would hold any real meaning behind it. Hell, I didn't even get the chance to say it outright myself."

"Ah." Maison chuckled deeply. "Don't worry about it, Cat. Whether you say it or not doesn't bother me at all. I simply know that your feelings are true, and I am more than flattered to be loved."

Cat frowned slightly. "That's the problem -- I don't think I really deserve that."

"What do you mean?"

"Let's put aside what we are first, and let me say that at the end of the day, we are still individuals who are simply living with each other. You kept me company since we first met, and though I did leave town for a little while, I came back because I didn't really want to leave." She paused. "But... hm. I might not had left at all..."

"Pardon?"

"Never mind." Cat shook her head to dismiss that train of thought. "Sometimes I get things confused, but let's forget about that. I mean to say that, despite all we have been through together by living with each other, I don't feel like I deserve this. This bond between us. I want us to keep being friends, but I also... want..." When she realized what she wanted to say next, she felt her cheeks grow hot. "I mean, I want us... to be close."

"But Cat, we are already dating. Unless, you're feeling rather uncertain about it?"

"No. I think I am sure about this." Cat paused took another bite of her cake. "I just don't think I... ever really confessed my feelings the right way."

"Then what is the right way, Cat?" Maison pushed his lure to rest its elbows on the table and gaze at his housemate expectantly. "I am very curious."

After swallowing down the piece, Cat placed down the plastic fork, and straightened up her posture. This could be her chance, she thought, as she took in a deep breath. "I love you, Maison. I wish I could be more than your dear housemate, and more like your dear partner. I wish we could go on dates, wherever you feel like, and enjoy ourselves in each others companies. But more than that..."

Cat shrunk a little into herself as her bravado withered away in seconds. "I hope to be with you for a long time. Maybe not forever. But long enough." She giggled bashfully as her cheeks grew redder. "It's... too embarrassing to admit it, but I think you're charming, and like, handsome, and you know how to talk. So, please, Maison, can we be more than friends?"

For a hard minute, there was silence between them. Ashamed, Cat wished she could melt into the chair, but it was better to finish off the cake instead of dying of embarrassment.

"Maison?" she called out in a huff.

Still no response.

Confused, and worried, she poked his arm, only for her to jump when he grabbed her hand, and pulled it close to his lips. "Ah, my dearest, sweetest, loveliest Cat. I hope you know how much those words mean to me, because you just fueled my ego. But more than that, I hope you know that I am more than honored to hear that."

This is a bit strange, she thought.

"No, honored isn't the right word. Enamored?" Maison chuckled again. "I am not sure anymore. But you know, my dear Cat, I hope you know how delightful you made me. And I hope to express my feelings as well! Properly."

"Are you okay?" she asked, bewildered.

"Okay?" he laughed. "More than okay, my dear, sweet Cat. I am elated!"

"Really?"

"Really! Now, I don't wish to make my dearest housemate tired, but I do wish to take you on another date, right now! How about it?"

Cat thought it over for a moment, then shook her head. "Next time," she said.

"Very well." Maison lowered her hand on the table to let her go, and stare at her with his usual smile. "Next time."

This is a bit weird, she thought, but not unwelcoming.

#im running on headcanons. #rough draft

[shivunin]

hello hello!!! for salshira (i'm her biggest fan), 7 and 17?

OKAY, Zen, i have been thinking about this all weekend, but when I tried to answer them last night it was totally incoherent. So: here's try number two haha. Thank you for asking <3

(Edgy OC Ask Meme)

17. What is the worst thing you have put your OC through story-wise?

Man, that is a hard question to answer. I am going to differentiate "worst" into "most painful" and "did the most damage."

Most painful? Trespasser, easy. Saying goodbye to Cullen and believing, truly and deeply, that she was saying goodbye forever. She'd given instructions, left letters, made what peace she could with a situation she couldn't change, and then she did what she had to do. That didn't make it any easier; no matter what, she couldn't help but know how much he would struggle afterward, though she wouldn't see or know any of it at all. That hurt her deeply, too.

But the thing that did the most damage to her was, I think, the first intimate experience she ever had. She'd already had a dicey track record with other Dalish elves, so I think Salshira was braced for disdain, dislike, or disinterest, but she wasn't prepared for plain disgust.

That night cracked her foundations, and I think a lot of how she related to other people---layers of artifice, deflection, distraction, all her little games---are a way to protect herself from that feeling again. She might feel the most guilt about Saeris, the one she couldn't save, but it's that moment in the woods that changed how she understood herself in relation to others. To bare yourself, to have someone look into your soul and then shove you away with disgust? Of everything I've written for her, I think that hurt her the most.

7. What's one way your OC has changed since you first came up with them?

I typed the longest response to this and then realized, with some chagrin, that it says "what is one way" and not "how did your OC change" at the beginning of this question T.T

So, short version:

I think when I originally conceived of her, Salshira was a little more of a femme fatale. She was more explicitly manipulative and was more analytical in the way she read people. As I worked my way through To the Bone, a lot of that softened, and by the second draft she was more...Opportunistically manipulative? Though not in a malicious way, if that makes sense. She is still good at reading people and distracting them, but she is also a massive dork who genuinely loves people. She may not be comfortable with talking about herself or vulnerability in general, but Salshira genuinely likes helping others and listening to them.

I think exchanging the one for the other felt so natural that I didn't even notice it was happening at the time, but I'm glad it did. I love her the way she turned out.

#salshira lavellan #oc ask response #ask response #i sleep poorly in new places so i literally lay awake nightly this weekend like 'what *was* the worst thing i've ever put her through?' #anyways!! i reread to the bone to answer this effectively and now i am emotional about her all over again #thanks zen <3

[ikemenomegas]

Not until then. And even though you understood it, for a long, long time it had still hurt. Because no one had ever stepped up to do the same for any of you

Screaminf and crying

There's this feeling of being abandoned by the system and being forever stuck in the cycle of getting killed for the sake of other people and never being able to have the certainty of having a painless death because you're not allowed to be selfish and this is all happening to a bunch of teenagers who haven't seen much of the world yet. That part hits me especially hard since I've had similar thoughts like that in the past and there's this nagging thought at the back of your mind going "what about me?" And it just fucks u up a bit.

I also love the myy oc and shoko pairing more than gojo x myy oc or geto x myy oc because the two of them were always like the ppl left behind by the two strongest sorcerers, if that makes sense at all. Shoko and myy oc can understand each other more and that scene of them in bed was just perfect because there was an equal amount of playful bantering and intimacy in the scene so i loved it

Thaaaat's them. And I absolutely get it, that's why I wrote it this way. There's something about watching other people get... saved I guess, either by others or by themselves, or even seeing bad things happen and going "why did no one save me" or "why am i not strong enough to save myself" or "am i not strong enough to do something that matters". It's not a nice feeling so we don't like to acknowledge it, but i don't think it's uncommon. I'm proud of and grateful to you anon for saying you relate, I'm sorry you have felt that way, but know you aren't alone in it.

just writing my reply to you, I realize that maybe of all the people in the group, Nanami might also understand (if he and myy oc were close enough to have this kind of heart to heart). It's a very particular kind of bitter adult feeling, it's only Nanami acknowledges the good he does in the world. myy oc broke in a way where they think it doesn't matter/nothing they do will ever be good enough ^^' (sorry for the sad)

For Shoko and myy oc I think it sucks in particular too because... Gojo and Getou were their friends, but didn't try to save them. Actually, they were abandoned too. Getou and myy oc share the non-sorcerer background, but Shoko and myy oc share the reality of being important parts of the power structure of jujutsu society without actually having as much power as that position should allow them.

You are so right though and I hope you'll love the road trip au where they just run away. Shoko is best wife, we stan Shoko on this blog. If Shoko has a character flaw, we're starting to see she's too internal, and kind of passive/accepting/avoidant. She very very seldom says what she means or actually wants to say. She should have asked myy oc to marry her first, they would have both been less heartbroken lol (there's a fic for that too btw 😉 the new season is making me itch to finish the shoko content in my drafts)

#from the notebook #ask answered #io.myy #ieri shoko #myy oc #i tried to make it a short reply T.T because i'm sure you're tired of my rambling #this isn't short #sorry

[spikybanana]

Just realized that this was supposed to be in asks

“yeah we’re clueless but tis fine” is such a cute title, but also, “Harry Potter and the Book of Mormon camping trip” is INCREDIBLY intriguing, is it like the Book of Mormon the musical or like the actual Book of Mormon somehow becoming introduced to Harry?

omg hi hello!!! ty for the ask these are such good picks<3<3 even if you brought up that cursed cursed fever dream XDD

so I'll talk about this first. Right. This, ah, happened literal years ago, and it's the most ridiculous crack fic ever. Like I can't describe how dumb the whole thing is it's bad I'm sure there's so much about it that's just wrong and it's a proper crossover too, as in Harry Potter meets Elder Price and all that. I'm in literal tears reading through it to find a snippet and I genuinely hope this one never sees the sun againXD

"yeah we're clueless but tis fine" is an asexual wolfstar labour of love that I've got a Bad First Draft of, and has been tinkering with since forever, cuz I wanna do justice to the whole ace identity thing ya know? Most of it is fluff and Sirius being a human disaster and honestly I love thinking about suave confident charismatic conventionally attractive Sirius being ace, there's just so much to explore! Though every time reading through it makes me want to rewrite the whole thing, guess I'll have to return to this story when I'm a better writer :P

snippets for both below :)

-

“--Harry you need to be responsible for yourself you can’t risk putting yourself and others in danger again like back in fifth year--”

“THERE’S A HORCRUX IN UGANDA!”

“Harry WHAT?”

“There’s a horcrux in Uganda!”

“Nice!” Ron got glares from the other two. “...Where is that?”

“AFRICA!” said the other two in perfect unison.

Ron’s grin froze onto his face, “umm… right… Oh! Oh, boy, like Lion King!”

“How’d you even know what that is?”

(yes. they take the horcrux hunt to Salt Lake City then Uganda. the horcrux is a grain of sand that got made into glass and became part of Nabulungi's typewriter. and Voldemort ships Drarry.)

-----

-----

It wasn’t exactly fair to say that Sirius wanted to be normal. No, Merlin forbid the Sirius Black be anything other than spectacularly, singularly distinctive. Yet alas, we sometimes find ourselves— unconsciously— trying to be distinguished, albeit in the most conventional way. But nevermind about all this. All that wanted to be said was that Sirius, ever since entering Hogwarts and discovering a world of children outside of those pureblood weirdos, have been unwittingly trying to grow into this fuzzy kind of normal. 

-

“Sirius! There you are!”

“How was the date!”

Sirius shrugged, “Good.” 

“What did you guys do?”

“Normal date stuff. We ate and talked a lot.” He said, feeling particularly powerful as he scanned his friends’ eager faces, “We had vanilla tea.”

Remus grimaced right on cue. Sirius grinned to himself. Remus hated vanilla.

“Oh also, she kissed me.”

“Oh my god!” James shouted and Peter gasped loudly, right in the middle of the street, “no way! Pads! What the hell! How was it?”

“A bit wet,” he said dismissively, thoroughly enjoying his friends’ antics.

“Well that sounds just delightful.” Remus said, with a smile that betrayed his wording and tone. What a classic Remus. 

“But it was still good.” Sirius said quickly.

“I reckon you’ll just get better at it, though.”

“For sure, I’ll be the best.”

#tag game #wip #my writing

[fashionablyfyrdraaca]

slam dunks in ur askbox 11, 19, 8, 29, 36, 43

omg shania lore time.

also im laughing at your answer to my question about drafts because i have 1,300 things in drafts. you're braver than me

11. What is that one set you made that just won’t die? Well, I keep getting horny comments on this star wars gifset LMAO. Also this gifset I made for indiegamesource has the most notes out of ANY gifset I have EVER made.

19. What is your gifting process like? I usually watch a show or play a game and then find a scene that I like or a character I want to represent. Then I steal the scene from youtube or torrent it (or record it if its a game that i own). After that I shorten the scenes I want using the screen record on VLC media player. Then I rip the frames into photoshop, colour/sharpen, convert into gif. At this point I usually leave the post in my drafts because I like to post things between noon and 3pm so the gifset will wait until the next day. Then I pray the gif goes into the tags lmao

8. What gif trend do you hate? I haven't seen it in a long time, but I used to REALLY hate the ones that are super super dark to the point where I can barely see what is actually in the fucking gif lmao. I also don't particularly care for gifsets that use lyrics from songs in the gifs themselves, but i just don't interact with those posts. it's none of my business if people want to use their fave songs in their edits

29. Have you ever posted a set, realized you made a mistake later but it was already too late? I've had a few where I realized I didn't move my watermark to the corner so its covering someones like face or some shit LMAO but ive posted them anyway since I don't save my PSDs and I'm not remaking the whole set for one hoochie mama. I've also had a few where I noticed that things were oversharpened by accident

36. Do you gif with something specific in mind or do you just wing it? I typically have something in mind but that'll mostly just be a very specific scene for example one that made me laugh or sad. It'll also typically be like I want to gif a set showing off a character (for example, my recent Aqua from Kingdom Hearts gifset for gamingladies or my romanced Isabela from Dragon Age gifset). It's VERY rare for me to plan it down to colours or angles. I've had a few gifmaking friends who will specifically hunt down colourschemes like pastels only or they'll do only specific angles like faceless gifs. I don't get that detailed. I'm jealous of people with the patience for that though lol

43. Do you keep videos forever or delete them once you’re done giffing? I delete them LOL. I only have 2 terabytes on my laptop and I want to use that space for viddy gam.

[r0botic]

My theory about PRES1DENT from the book "The last human" by Lee Bacon

I've had this in my drafts for months, maybe it's the time to finally post it.

I always focus on the villains, nothing new about me, really. I'm basically the apologist of all villains out there. You're a robot? You have 90% chance to become my favourite.

A robotic villain? Bro you're mine, and if anyone touches you I'll bite their hands off.

I will try to explain this as detailed as my language barrier allows me to, since English isn't my mother language.

Where do I start though? I absolutely adore this book.

My obsession with robots? Satisfied.

My love for the trope 'Found family'? Satisfied.

My romance repulsion and thirst for anything platonical? Also satisfied.

My love for villains who have a specific reason why they are the way they are? Well, that's why I'm here right now.

I really like PRES1DENT, one of my top favourite characters in this book for sure. But the lack of reasoning is driving me insane, it's probably just me looking too deep into stuff, but I just need to rant and talk about my ideas and theories, you know?

So, what we know is that PRES1DENT absolutely despises humans, I see why he lied to everyone and hid the documents where humans were actually kind, he wanted the robots to be all together, he wanted to connect them, give them a reason why they all should work together and never be like humans, he made them all share 'something', and that something is their hatred towards humans, just like our MC stated in the book.

But why? Okay I get it, humans aren't perfect, I also like robots more than humans, but why does PRES1DENT hate them so much? Where did the sudden hatred come from? It just doesn't make sense to me, from what we know it's because humans always argued, started wars, were creating accessories that had no actual useful meaning, were "imperfect". But they were ALWAYS like this, it's nothing new, don't tell me a robot just suddenly wakes up one morning and goes: "alright pals this is starting to get really bad, humans actually suck, let's kill them all." NO, I just don't believe this, what is that sudden realization? What made them realize it? What exact "upgrade" made them get self-aware enough and take over? WHAT HAPPENED?

I have so many questions but no answers at all.

So let's just go with what makes the most sense to me:

I believe that you get ONE chance from robots, unless they are on some high level like our main group, they are gen-8 but what was the gen like 30 years ago, right? No one knows that. So what I'm saying here is that a robot is programmed to do something, especially if It's that type of robot that "sees, saves information, learns, remembers.", so basically when something UNEXPECTED happens, they corrupt(?). They will remember that situation forever and try to avoid the thing/place where it happened, so it won't happen again.

We know that robots started to talk about humans together behind their backs all of a sudden, but who spoke up first? Who was the first robot to even THINK about humans being bad? The humans never programmed robots to think that way, something must've happened that caused this sudden rebelion in one of them, who continued to spread this idea among the rest of the robots and finally caused the huge murder of all humans. Someone, who'd start to save information about the bad habits of humans from what the other robots and that one robot itself witnessed.

I'd place my bets on PRES1DENT and here's my theory why:

PRES1DENT was disgustingly betrayed by a human once.

What if he actually used to be very close to humans? What if the purpose of his existence was to protect humans? Maybe some human was his friend, maybe that human made the robot being their friend his only life purpose. We don't know anything about him, so we can only guess.

Let's get some things clear first though, robots never do anything without someone telling them to do it, they can never do something without being programmed to, behind robot's actions is always a human being. PRES1DENT knows a lot, he knew about everything, unlike everyone else. He had the whole human history saved and put it in the cube (I suppose it was him? There's nobody else who could do that.) But where did HE get it? Why is HE the leader? Did robots choose him to be the president of everything? If yes, how did that happen? Robots think all the same, they basically share a brain, then why is only PRES1DENT so different compared to everyone else? What made him so superior?

I actually really like the idea of PRES1DENT being a human's friend before the whole 'humans killing' happened, it would give him a reason, a reason why he became a villain. Let's say he trusted his human more than anyone else, he liked to help them, it was the purpose he was created for, to protect and help, but what happens if his human gets angry at him and tries to destroy him? Attack him? Or attack another person in front of him? An error would appear, he wasn't programmed and was never expected to face such a situation. He either would not react at all, or he would do what he knows the best, 'to protect', but who does he protect? A human that just attacked him and basically became the 'predator' he was taught to protect others from? I don't think so.

He's supposed to protect humans, kind souls, but this human just didn't act so innocent, they were actually dangerous.

But how is that possible? If he's supposed to protect humans, why are humans evil? Maybe this human is 'broken', not in their senses, and that means dangerous, since they attacked the robot, that can mean the human might attack other humans aswell, and dangerous things need to be removed.

He would remove the human and save the information, that there are 'broken' humans among them all. Now that the robots know this, they start noticing other bad habits humans have and how unacceptably they can act.

After PRES1DENT 'removed' his human, I'd say people would see PRES1DENT as corrupted, he just killed a human. That wasn't supposed to happen, they didn't program him to do that. That means he needs to get shut down immediately before he gets the chance to hurt more people.

But the more and more people try to shut him down, the closer PRES1DENT is to the conclusion that all humans are broken. Some virus got into their software and made them all act different. He was just doing his job, removing the 'evil' from this world. They are betrayers, so selfish. So he sends another signal to the rest of the robots.

But who never betrayed anyone? Who's now the rabbit and who's the wolf? Humans are evil and robots were always loyal to them, they were by their side no matter what and helped them.

That means robots are in the right and humans were in the wrong the whole time, they are the predators, the most dangerous beings in this world, to both themselves and everyone else.

Since PRES1DENT was the one with personal experience and basically the reason why other robots started noticing the bad in humans, he became the leader. And everyone listened, of course. He was right afterall, and they are all connected.

He needed to get rid of humans to protect others, so they all did so. Of course he realized the possibility of robots seeing the good in humans, that's why he decided to hide the files of humans being good and show only the ones where they are acting stupid, selfish and being basically useless. Just like I mentioned earlier, the same enemy connects people, so their enemy were humans.

Him keeping the destroyed houses of humans in their world and doing the daily talks about how humans were absolutely useless also makes sense, it's not just a 'reminder', it's something that makes them shut up, not question anything. Very smart move in my opinion.

PRES1DENT wasn't developed enough to know something like forgiveness, he remembers humans as monsters who betrayed and put everyone in danger and that's where it ends, no one can do anything to change his mind. That's why he was one of the only ones who still kept this opinion even after the truth got to see the light. Of course there were some robots still agreeing with him, I really like this detail, I don't know if it was written like this on purpose or not, but it makes so much sense because there are still OLD robots just like PRES1DENT, they are from the same time when he got created, the same GEN, that's why they are on his side, their 'brains' are limited at the same point. They don't know forgiveness.

-

MY OWN OPINION:

I will forever feel bad for him, i'm glad they didn't kill him but I still think that what he got wasn't fair. He did what he thought was the best, he wanted everything to work and everyone to be just fine. He did all he could.

Yes, he didn't tell the full truth, but it was to protect everyone. He knew that if the now very upgraded robots saw it all, they wouldn't agree anymore, they would want humans back. And that's exactly what he could not let to happen, because he didn't want humans to use robots as weapons and turn the world into a dangerous place once again.

Honestly I wish he got a chance to change, like he'd get a human friend for example, someone alike to Emma, who would fix his trust issues (LOL). But it's understandable that it wouldn't work, PRES1DENT is a very old robot, his brain isn't as upgraded as the newest bots'. Just like I said, he probably doesn't know forgiveness and he's corrupted to the point where he can't change, he fully lost his hope in humanity, closed case.

Anyways, no idea if this book ever gets more recognition, but just in case it does, I'm the og and this post is the proof. I'm the first person to make some fan post about this book, your honor.

I'm PRES1DENT's #1 apologist and fan, because I just know there's more to him. 😴

I think here's where I cut it, It's currently 2 AM and I just finished writing this. Man, I never knew explaining something could take such a long time.

#the last human #lee bacon #the last human lee bacon #pres1dent #the last human pres1dent #the last human theory #pres1dent theory #r0botic back at it