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until-theend-oftheline · 5 years

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Alone Time Interrupted

Pairing: Sebastian x Reader

Warnings: Violence (accidental but it’s there), Sebastian is lucky you love him. Poor Will. (Just realized these sounds like Seb hurt her - he doesn’t! Not even a little bit!)

Square Filled: Caught Red Handed for @marvelfluffbingo

Word Count: 1600ish

A/N: This is thought part of my LLL universe but as always it can also be read as a stand-alone.

I wanted to do this since the moment I saw the latest One Minute Men vid (Milk part 3) and I finally got around to it with some encouragement from @jewels2876 - completely unscheduled and unplanned fic but inspiration happened.

Betaed by: also by @jewels2876 - thank you, Jules!

***My fics are not to be saved nor posted on any other sites without my express written permission.***

You were practically skipping when you got off the subway. It had been ages since you had a day to yourself. You loved Sebastian and your kids dearly, but there was something to be missed about soaking in the bath with scented candles all around with only your music as a distraction.

You loved being a mom. Your kids were the most amazing little humans in the world and you wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world. They were two little balls of energy though and Sebastian was hardly any better. You smiled as you thought of your little family. They made you so incredibly happy. A girl just needed a moment to herself every once in a while.

So when Sebastian had announced he was spending the day shooting for his One Minute Men project, you had quickly called Georgeta and asked if she wanted to spend the morning with her grandson. Of course, she had said yes, so after dropping Isabella off at school, you had gone to Sebastian’s mom’s place to drop off Alexander. Now you skipped towards your apartment, excited for a day alone in the company of your bathtub and fuzzy robe.

As soon as you were home you headed straight for you and Sebastian’s bathroom. You selected a bath bomb he had bought you while he was in Greece filming and turned on the hot water as you stripped down. Candles were lit and your favorite Spotify playlist soon buzzed through the speakers of the room as you lowered yourself into the hot water with a sigh of contentment.

You closed your eyes, letting the music and smells calm your body and soul as you soaked in the hot water. This was heaven, even if a small part of you couldn’t help but wish Sebastian was with you, you also knew his presence would make bath time more fun than relaxing. Today you needed relaxing.

In fact, you were so relaxed you managed to doze off a little before a loud sound from the kitchen made you jump. You sat up straight, not sure if you actually heard anything at first or if it has been part of a dream you couldn’t recall. It wasn’t long before another loud crash sounded from your kitchen and you jumped a little again; instinctively wrapping your arms around your body, you stared down the unlocked bathroom door.

Another bump sounded this time followed by voices you couldn’t clearly make out over the music. Your mind started to panic. Someone was in your apartment. How was that even possible? There was a high tech security system in this building and a guard by the front door.

You quickly decided you couldn’t stay in the bathroom so you quickly, and as quietly as possible, got out of the tub. You wrapped the warm fuzzy robe around you, that you had put on the radiator for comfort as you quickly formed a plan. You had to get out without anyone seeing you. If you could get downstairs to alert the guard, everything would be fine.

You took a few steps towards the door before turning around to grab the bristle bath brush you had hanging in the shower. You weren’t sure what your line of thought was but you did feel a slight bit safer clinging to it; you snuck out of the room then down the hallway towards the main elevator shaft. You knew if you could get into the elevator and close the gate behind you, you’d be safe, you repeated over and over in your mind as you moved as quietly as possible.

“Oh hi Y/N,” a voice sounded behind you. You didn’t think of how familiar it sounded or the fact the man knew your name. You just shrieked, spinning around and swinging the brush as the intruder’s face. It collided with the side of his temple before you had time to stop yourself.

“OUCH! What the hell?” Will, one of Sebastian’s best friends and One Minute Men partner, yelled rubbing the side of his face just as Sebastian and Joe came running into the hallway from the kitchen.

“Ohmygod Will I’m so sorry!” You started apologizing as you realized what you had done, before turning around to face the two men appearing behind you. Embarrassment made your cheeks flush red as you looked from one man to the other, before meeting Sebastian’s eyes.

“Y/N I didn’t think you were home. What hap…” Sebastian started, before the scene in front of him finally clicked in his brain and he doubled over laughing as you and Will both glared at him.

“You… Oh God. Y/N/N… A bathbrush? Really?” Sebastian laughed, as Will grumbled something about you packing quite the punch.

“I thought you were burglars,” you defended yourself, grabbing your robe to wrap it closer around your body, suddenly very aware you were almost naked in front of Sebastian’s friends.

“So you attacked Will with a bath brush?” Sebastian grinned walking up to you, running his hands up and down your arms to calm you even if he was clearly still amused by the entire thing.

“My little slugger,” he teased, causing you to pout but lean into his embrace as he wrapped his arms around you. “I’m sorry we scared you, darling,” he spoke softly and serious this time as he held you close.

“Do you need an ambulance or are we good to continue,” Joe chuckled, directed at Will who was still rubbing the side of his head.

“Shut up,” he grumbled, causing the two other guys to laugh as you peered past Sebastian’s arm towards the kitchen.

“I thought you were filming. What are you doing he…” you started before noting the pots and pans scattered all across your floor. “What the hell did you do to my kitchen?”

You pulled away from Sebastian, heading straight for the disaster area. “Sebastian!”

Sebastian was nervously rubbing the back of his neck as you turned to face him with murder in your eyes and his two friends suddenly seemed to find your floor insanely interesting.

“We were filming this thing where…” Sebastian started but stopped when he saw your raised eyebrows.

“So you’d thought you’d ruin my kitchen?” you accused, crossing your arms over your chest.

“No… I mean. We’ll put everything back when we are done,” Sebastian promised, making your shake your head as you stepped a little closer to him.

“No. You will put it back now and you can go find someone else’s kitchen to torture,” you warned, fighting to keep a straight face as a childish little whine left your partner.

“But Y/N,” Sebastian started again and it was all you could do not to laugh. You loved him and his silly, creative endeavors were part of who he was, but he wasn’t destroying your home over an Instagram video.

“No,” you grabbed the suit jacket he was wearing pulling him a little closer. “I love you Seb, but no.” You could see the fight hadn’t entirely left him so you playfully raised the bath brush still in your hand. “Don’t make me use this thing.”

“We’ll go somewhere else,” Will quickly interrupted, making you and the two other guys laughed.

“Okay,” Sebastian relented, taking the brush from your hand and throwing it on the dresser next to you, before pulling you into his arms. “I really am sorry we scared you,” he muttered, burying his face in your neck.

“Seba,” you giggled at his affections. You weren’t mad at him. This was who he was and none of them had meant to scare you. “I’m getting you all wet.”

“Isn’t that supposed to be the other way around?” Sebastian smirked, pulling back a little to look down and you wiggling his eyebrows. You blushed, burying your face against his chest, trying to contain your laughter as Joe and Will hastily made their escape.

“Okay! You got this Seb. We’ll find somewhere else to film and call you later,” Joe showed Will towards the elevator.

“Yeah rather not have any mental scars to add to the physical one,” Will played, making you blush even harder.

“I’m sorry Will,” you called after the two men, but he just waved you off as the gate closed and the elevator started it’s decent.

“Lesson learned. Don’t scare Y/N,” Will yelled with a chuckle, making both you and Sebastian laugh before your eyes met and his darkened a little as he ran his fingers into the opening of your robe.

“Where were we?” his voice sounded a little lower than usual, sending a shiver through your spine.

“Well I was taking a bath and you were going to clean the mess you made of the kitchen,” you teased him, making Sebastian groan.

“Smartass.” He quickly swept you off your feet, lifting you into his arms, guiding your legs to wrap around his waist. You squealed in surprise but quickly started laughing as he playfully squeezed your ass. He walked you into the living room, clearly deciding the bedroom was too far, before throwing you on the couch making you squeal with laughter again. A laugh that was swallowed with his kiss as he lowered himself down on top of you and you wrapped your arms around his neck pulling him closer.

Your plans of a day relaxing alone might have been interrupted, but if you were completely honest you preferred spending a childfree day in Sebastian’s arms over anything you could do on your own anyway.

Please reblog; help me spread my work - Leave a comment. Feedback is fuel

Sebastian Stan Tag Team

@feelmyroarrrr @sleepretreat @thejourneyneverendsx @roxyspearing @jewels2876 @hellaqueerangelofthelord @danijimenezv @cd1242 @mizzzpink @rumoured-whispers @becs-bunker @janeyboo @smoothdogsgirl @blacktithe7 @ifyougetkilled-walk-it-off @jae-sch @grace-for-sale @scarletlingeries @mizzezm @readitandweepfics @averyrogers83 @captainsamwlsn @sebs-potato @sorenmarie87 @docharleythegeekqueen @erosbellarke @the-wayward-robot @super100012 @myfanficlibrarium @lucifersbird @achishisha @hp-hogwartsexpress @winchesters-favorite-girl

#marvelfluffbingo 2019 #sebastian stan #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian x reader #seb stan #seb stan x reader #seb x reader #mcu rpf #rpf #mcu imagine #lll

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ilovemygaydad · 5 years

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Exes and ‘Oh’s

from the friends in dark places au

pairing: moxiety, eventual logince, background eventual remile, background eventual remy/emile/deceit

summary: [sort of outside the timeline] as a way to get virgil more comfortable in their group, patton decides everyone should take a day to go to the mall

WARNINGS: attempted sexual assault, kissing, non-consentual kissing/touching, physical violence, mention of a broken nose, blood mentions, head injury, panic attacks, crying, anger, toxic relationships, toxic oc, mental abuse, swearing, yelling, condescending tone, possibly something else

tag list: @hufflepuffgirl01 @cocobearthe4th @cas-is-a-hunter @band-be-boss-blog @theunoriginaldaisy

a/n: so i have to repost all of these in a different format! yay fucking me!!!! please consider reblogging these if you’re a fan of this series because it’s all fucked up now

first of main plot - companions

consider buying me a coffee (please)

Patton had decided that going to the mall would be a really great way to make Virgil feel more comfortable with Logan and Roman. Lo had picked them up around noon, and they had taken to walking around in an attempt to find somewhere to stop first.

Suddenly, Virgil grabbed Patton’s arm and swung him into the nearest store. Pat ton gave him a confused look, prompting at least some explanation as to why they’d ditched their other friends.

“I just,” Virgil rushed as he peeked out from behind a clothes rack that he’d hidden behind. “I saw my ex. God, I didn’t expect to see him here!” Patton peeked out and scanned the mall’s occupants until he spotted a familiar face.

“Are you talking about Jason?” Patton asked.

Shock spread across Virgil’s face. “Uh, yeah. How’d you know?”

“Oh, he’s also an ex of mine. And Logan and Roman. I didn’t realize you’d dated him, too!” Pat watched as Jason sat down at the circle of chairs just outside the store.

“Yeah…” Virgil muttered, squeezing his fists rhythmically. He was starting to have a panic attack as bad memories from his only relationship flooded back.

“Woah, kiddo. Are you okay?” Concern was laced in Patton’s voice as he set a gentle hand on his friend’s shoulder.

“I just… Well, he, uh… It’s not important. I’ll be fine,” Virgil assured, giving a tiny smile that fell far flat of believable.

“Did he abuse you?” Patton asked quietly.

Virgil’s breath caught in his throat as memories spun around his brain.

---

“You need to stop talking to those people online, V.” Jason had confronted Virgil after school when they had been sitting at the bus stop.

“What? But they’re my… They’re my friends.” Virgil was confused. It was rare for him to bring up his Tumblr friends to Jason, and the times that he had, it was just to show him a funny post they had sent him.

“I don’t trust them. You need to tell them you can’t be their friend anymore,” his boyfriend told him. Virgil supposed Jason was right. He didn’t know much about his online friends, so maybe he shouldn’t trust them.

That night he’d deleted his Tumblr account.

---

“Jay, I don’t really feel like coming over tonight. I need to study for my bio test, and I’m super tired,” Virgil explained with a sigh, closing his locker and walking down the hall. Jason was hot on his trail.

“If you cared about me, then you’d come over.”

Virgil stopped in his tracks. “I do care about you. Why would you even say that?”

His boyfriend’s expression turned sad. “I feel like you’ve been avoiding me. You don’t seem to care about me anymore.”

Virgil grabbed Jay’s hand and looked him in the eye. “Okay, I’ll come over. But you have to help me study. This test is really important to me.”

---

“Babe, come on. You know you want to,” Jason coaxed as he placed his hand on Virgil’s waist, pulling him closer.

Virgil jerked away. “Knock it off! You’re drunk, and all that I want to do is study. Regardless, you aren’t in any situation to make important decisions.”

There were a few excruciating moments of stillness where Virgil thought that Jason would back off when Jason grabbed him by the shirt collar and forced him into a kiss. Reflexively, Virgil pushed him away. His hands shook, and his breathing was becoming unsteady.

“What the fuck?!” Jay screamed and stalked close. His hands reached out to grab Virgil again, but Virgil was able to dodge the forceful grasp enough to run to the door..

“You’re drunk, and what you’re doing isn’t fucking cool. We’ll talk about it in the morning. Good night.” He reached for the doorknob, but his action stopped short when he heard a thud behind him. Virgil whipped around, only to see his boyfriend’s hand being pulled out from a hole he had punched into the wall.

“If you leave, I’m going to kill myself.” Blood was dripping from Jason’s hand onto the wooden floor of the foyer. Cold rushed through Virgil’s veins.

“What?”

“You heard me. I need you, yet you want to leave me. You’re being a terrible boyfriend,” Jay accused.

No. That wasn't true. Was it? What if it was?

Jason started forward again and pressed Virgil against the wall, kissing him sharply. A cold hand slid under the hem of his t-shirt, and hot ears began to stream down his face. What had he done to get himself into this terrible situation?

Virgil acted on impulse. He shoved as hard as he could and flung the door open, sprinting down the street without pausing. He ran for as long as he could, eventually collapsing in an alley a few miles away. Panic spread through him as he realized that he was in an unfamiliar place without his phone, which he’d left at Jason’s, and completely alone. Virgil hid behind a dumpster until the morning came, too terrified to wander the streets alone.

---

“We’re through,” Virgil said as he walked up to Jason on Monday morning. After what’d happened on Friday night, he hadn’t left his bed, feigning sick to get out of any human contact.

“What?” Jay asked as he turned to face Virgil. His features were contorted--cold and angry.

“I can’t stay with someone who doesn’t respect my wishes. Please don’t talk to me ever again.” Virgil walked away, hands in his sweatshirt pockets to hide their intense shaking.

The next week, Jason had transferred schools, and Virgil didn’t have to worry about him anymore.

---

“I--no. Of course not,” Virgil replied after a too many seconds. Patton’s normally cheery expression turned furious.

“Virgil, what did he do?” Patton’s voice was terrifyingly deep. Without a second thought, Virgil spilled all of the details of his horrible relationship.

“That asshole! I’m going to kick his ass to next Thursday.” Pat growled. Virgil reached out to stop him, but his fingers just barely brushed against Patton’s arm as he exited the store. Patton stormed over to the chairs in the center of the walkway.

As Virgil rushed out after him, he was met with Roman and Logan, who must have realized their other friends weren’t following them anymore. The trio stared as Patton confronted Jason.

“Hey, Jason! What’s up?” Patton’s voice was saccharine sweet without any trace of genuine happiness that normally presented itself.

“Um, hey, Patton.” Jay sputtered, clearly confused as to why he’d been addressed by his ex.

“You know,” Patton said, laughing without any humor. “I let you off the hook for all of the shit that you did to me and my friends, but I really shouldn’t have. Do you know why? Because you’re a terrible person who thinks that it’s okay to sexually and mentally abuse people. I was weak for a long time, but I’ve finally grown a thick skin just in time to find out that you not only mentally abused Logan, Roman, and me, but you both sexually and mentally abused someone who I love. Who the hell do you think you are for thinking that is in any way okay? You’re an absolute garbage excuse for a human, and I’m sorry that anyone has to see you on a daily basis. Go shove a foot up your--” Patton was cut off by Virgil pulling him back.

“Patton, it isn’t worth it. Just let it go.” Virgil’s face was pleading, obviously wanting to avoid any more confrontation.

“No! I am not just going to ‘let it go!’ Are you kidding me?” Patton jerked away from his friend and turned back to Jason, who’d stood up with a sickening smirk plastered on his face.

“Yeah, sweetheart. Let Suburban Dad here get his word in.” Jay took a few steps forward. He’d grown a bit over the years and towered at least three inches over both of them.

“You’re disgusting! I can’t belie--” Patton’s yelling abruptly stopped as Jason shoved him backward. His head made a hollow thunk as it hit the wooden armrest of the mall chair.

“Roman, go grab security. I’ll take care of Patton and Virgil.” Logan ordered from a few feet behind Virgil. He heard scrambling feet on tile, but Virgil’s mind didn’t really take the noises in. His sole focus was on Jason.

“You son of a bitch!” Virgil screeched as he marched up to Jay with no regard for his own safety. “What the fuck was that? How dare you hurt Patton--he’s never done anything to you! I’d say that I can’t believe you’d do that, but I know damn well that you would. You’re a coward!” He took the final step and flung his fist into Jason’s face. The teen in front of him collapsed onto the ground, blood trickling from his now broken nose. Virgil crouched down, looking Jason straight in the eye.

“That is something that I should have done a long fucking time ago.”

---

After things were cleared up with malls security and Patton was cleared by the paramedics, the group of friends were finally able to make their way home. Virgil was hunched in his seat, emotionally drained from the day’s events.

“Hey, Virgil,” Roman piped up from the front seat. “What you did was really brave.”

“I agree,” Logan added. “You were very heroic out there even if what you did was extremely stupid. It was an admirable move.” He flashed Virgil a tiny smile in the rearview mirror.

Patton gently latched himself onto Virgil’s hand and gave it a light squeeze. Virgil turned his attention to his friend sitting next to him. “I’m so proud of you, kiddo.”

“It’s… It’s not a big deal.” Virgil sunk deeper into his seat, flipping his hood over his head to conceal the rosy blush that was spreading across his face.

#sanders sides fic #virgil sanders #patton sanders #m writes things #logan sanders #roman sanders

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gothicprincessbellatrix · 5 years

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So, I saw a post about emotional abuse earlier and I've decided hey why not share my experience.

So... *ahem* my mom emotionally manipulates and abuses me.

I have to deal with things on a constant basis from her like immediate tone changes (from yelling at me about how I'm disappointing her to being all calm while I'm all fucked up), excuses to be mad at me for snapping at her and yelling, ignoring signs that I'm not mentally okay, making excuses why I should respect her, acting upset when I clearly don't want her to be "playing with me" by touching me in ways I don't like her touching me (she sometimes does that stuff while sitting in the car) and I pull away, and all this other fucking bullshit that I can't even begin to go on about.

This cunt has made me develop severe anxiety to the point I am constantly teetering on the edge of depression and the only thing keeping me from falling off is the internet. Oh she also has an issue with me constantly using the interne- I WONDER WHY YOU THINK THAT WHEN YOU TEND TO SHUT ME DOWN WHEN I FINALLY SPEAK UP. And the issue is the anxiety is so bad that the only way I can ever get myself to actually stand up and speak to her is when she comes in making me all freaked out and SQUEEZING MY SANITY AWAY TO WHERE ALL I CAN DO IS YELL BECAUSE THAT'S ALL I FUCKING KNOW TO DO IN RESPONSE.

(note I just lost an entire paragraph and have to redo it because you can't undo on mobile and tumblr mobile is shoddily built thanks for nothing back to the actual post now)

A ton of people I know, like teachers in my school EVEN THE NICEST ONES, dismiss this as my mom just being a mom and it's absolutely awful. Imagine if you were physically abused by your mother and this is what you got as a response. See, I live in the state of Georgia. Besides Atlanta and Athens, this state really has nothing special going for it. We just so happened to strike gold with our big city because of the black culture there (and Athens is just a cool city for the alt rock scene lovely place please check it out).

To ANYONE suffering this same issue as I am, please please PLEASE reblog this post with your own experiences and SPREAD THE WORD!!! DON'T LET PEOPLE MAKE EXCUSES! DON'T LET YOURSELF BE EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATED TO FEEL SHAME FOR HATING THE ABUSE!

Bonus vid: a "discussion" my mom had with me that usually happens because I'm constantly trying to either go against her (boo hoo you're being yelled at in a friend's house who does our hait about how I'm saying I'm extremely distraut over anxiety but all you can worry about is WHAT IF IT WAS IN A PUBLIC SALON) where I attempted to get her to spout out the most incriminating shit but gave up only for her to spout some of it anyways. It's fucked up as hell but I must point out how fucking hilarious it is that she actually fucking did that on her own like I was at least hoping.

#mental health #emotional abuse #emotions #vent

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lovemesomesurveys · 6 years

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1. When was the last time you had an argument with one of your parents? It’s been awhile since we have an argument, but we often bicker about things concerning me and health stuff. They get frustrated and they worry about me, which I get, but it’s just hard. I know what I need to do, it’s just actually doing it.

2. Do you still live at home or with a guardian of some sort? If so, when do you plan on moving out, if ever? If you have moved out, how did your relationship to your parents change after that? I do still live at home with my parents, younger brother, and our dog. I don’t have any plans for the foreseeable future to move out. It’s best for me to live at home at this time and I’m fine with it. 3. When was the last time you were diagnosed with something? Are you concerned about anything regarding your physical or mental health at the moment? I haven’t been diagnosed with anything new in awhile. I’m just dealing with ongoing, chronic stuff. I’m very concerned about things regarding my physical and mental health. It’s not good right now. 4. What’s the longest you’ve gone without talking to other people? How did this affect you? Some days I’m in an extra moody mood and I just keep quiet and to myself, saying little to anyone and when I do it’s short. However, outside of my immediate family that I live with, I haven’t spoken to friends and family for a long time. Some in almost 2 years.

5. What is one blanket judgment you tend to make about people (like, you judge all people who live at home, all people who drink, etc)? Does this judgment come from a particular personal experience? Ha, well I definitely can’t judge people who still live at home with their parents cause exhibit A here. I guess a blanket judgment I might make is when people just don’t own up to their faults or hurtful behavior and just sit there and try to lie to your face instead of admitting to their issues or justifying it in some way. It’s frustrating with people like that. 6. What is something seemingly small and inconsequential that will cause you to avoid a person? Uhh. I admit to distancing myself from people, particularly guys that I’m interested in, because I don’t want to bother them and I want them to reach out to me cause then I know they really do want to talk to me. It’s so completely stupid and childish, though. It also always backfires because then neither one of us will message the other and then more and more time passes by. It hasn’t worked in my favor at all. I don’t know if that quite answers the question, but it’s what came to mind. 7. Does it bother you to see certain traits of yours in others? Do you know why you have this reaction? I don’t like seeing other people be hard on themselves and put themselves down like I always do to myself. I don’t like when others are hurting.

8. What was the last meal you skipped? Do you skip meals often or do you try to avoid that? I pretty much always skip breakfast. it’s quite rare that I ever have it. 9. How do you react to other people yelling or slamming doors? Is this something you ever do too? It’s not pleasant. 10. Is there anything you rely on someone else to do for you, or anything someone else relies on you to do for them? Yeah, there’s a few things. Some things I need help with and can’t do on my own. 11. What was the last thing you had for breakfast? I will say that now and then there are two days a week that my mom has the opening shift at work and she’s up getting ready when I’m still up, so she’ll make me some eggs or oatmeal. That happened Monday and she has the opening shift today. 12. Do you tend to eat the same few things all the time or do you vary your intake? Would you consider yourself to be a picky eater? Are there any commonly enjoyed foods that you don’t like? Yeah, there’s a small amount of foods that I eat and most days I have some of the same things. I am a picky eater, but there’s also some other factors that contribute to my weird eating habits and the certain foods I eat. I used to be such a foodie until a couple years ago. As for foods that are commonly enjoyed by others that I don’t like, I don’t eat sushi or any seafood. I feel like everyone else loves sushi. 13. Do you have a favorite stuffed animal or anything that you sleep with? Where did you get it and what makes it a favorite? I don’t have any I sleep with, but I have a TON of giraffe stuffed animals. I’ve gotten them from various places over the years. 14. Do you have good body image? Do you feel more confident about your body or your personality? What is one thing about yourself about which you do feel particularly confident? Noooope. I’m very self-conscious about my body and my looks. Especially nowadays. I don’t like much of my personality either, except for my sense of humor and I consider myself to be understanding. The only thing about my appearance that I like is my hair after it has recently been colored and layered. Until the roots start showing and the color fades some, it looks nice. 15. How likely are you to compliment other people? How do you react or respond when you receive a compliment? What are your favorite types to receive? I often will think like, “Ooh I like that shirt” or “I really like their hair” or something, but I don’t often say anything unless I know the person. Like people I don’t know will compliment me on my hair or my purse, but I’m not one to do that. I’m too shy for that. Compliments are nice, but I’m so awkward about it.

16. Describe the last thing you reblogged? How many posts do you tend to reblog during a day? Some photos of Alexander Skarsgard from the new show he’s in, The Little Drummer Girl. I like more stuff than I reblog, but it really just varies. Like if there’s new photos of Alex and my dash is like full of stuff, I’ll reblog a lot. And like on Wednesdays for example, I reblog a lot after American Horror Story and Riverdale air. 17. Do you tend to reblog or make your own personal posts more often? On my main blog, I’m a reblogger. I haeven’t made a personal post on there in quite some time. This side blog is all personal posts. 18. When was the last time you felt like you had no one to talk to? When you can’t talk to anyone about your problems, what are some ways you cope alone? I feel that way a lot, even though I do. I know I could talk to my mom and I have friends who would be there for me if I let them, but... I tend to just keep to myself or vent and ramble on here. 19. Who in your life do you get along with best? How about the least? How often do you have to interact with these people? There isn’t anyone in my life that I don’t get along with, but I’m definitely closest to my mom and younger brother. 20. Have you ever lost your cool at work or somewhere else important? What happened as a result? No. 21. What was the last important event or holiday celebration you attended? Was this something you wanted to be a part of, or did you only go begrudgingly? The last important event I attended were a few graduations last year. 22. When was the last time you did something you knew was wrong? What about the last time you did something right just because it was right? Hmm. I guess by not doing some things that I should be doing, and I know I should be doing, regarding my health. 23. When you do good things, do you do them because you want some sort of reward or recognition or do you do them just for the sake of being good? I like to do things for others because I genuinely enjoy it. 24. When was the last time you felt especially appreciated? What about unappreciated? I don’t feel I’ve done anything to be appreciated for in a long time. 25. When you fill out social media bios and such, how do you typically describe yourself? Is describing yourself something you have a difficult time doing? I hate doing that cause I never know what to say. I’m just like, “Hey, I’m Steph” or I’ll just be like Steph|29|CA. lol. 26. Do you feel like you have a good idea of who you are as a person? What you like, what you stand for, what you feel, etc? With some things, but there’s also a lot that I don’t understand about myself or am still trying to figure out. 27. What is one unusual belief you have? Has anyone ever made fun of you for your beliefs? Hmm. I don’t know. 28. What is something that brings you a lot of comfort? I don’t know. 29. When was the last time someone apologized to you? What about the last time you apologized? Are apologies easy or difficult for you? I don’t recall for either one. I certainly have some apologies to make, though. :/ I can admit when I’m wrong and am quick to blame myself anyway, but I just don’t know how to explain to certain people that I need to apologize to what is going on that or even what to say. I don’t feel an apology is good enough at this point. 30. What was the last thing someone else bought for you? My brother bought me Starbucks and lunch a couple days ago.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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starrypawz · 7 years

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Ok i don’t tend to talk much about ace stuff on here but that post I reblogged pretty much summed things up for me? (It’s hard to work out your orientation full stop)

I’d rather people not reblog this post ok

Also apologies because I ended up rambling a lot

I sort of grew up just like ‘Well i guess I’m straight?’ I remember ‘learning what gay and lesbian meant’ before I finished primary school (probably not in a necessarily positive way because kids are assholes like that but you know I knew what they were) and that I knew that people get married and so well... I guess I’d eventually get married? (Not necessarily an ace thing but I never like really imagined stuff to do with that)

But I remember in primary school when boyfriends and girlfriends started happening and being a bit like ‘uh ok?’and like talking about people being attractive and like ‘uh ok? I don’t get this’

But I mean I was an awkward nerd kid (I still am an awkward nerd ok) and it was like ‘Well I’m not interested? Why are people interested? I’d rather just keep reading books and doing other stuff that everyone seems to have outgrown’ I’m just a kid ok.

I didn’t have a lot of friends and spent a lot of my childhood and teens quite socially isolated in all honesty. I know in a sense probably some of my social development was a bit jacked up. Also chuck in dyspraxia too and it’s a bit of a mess over there,

I grew up in a Christian household, now it wasn’t so much like ‘you are banned from dating’ or anything but my parents didn’t talk much about relationships and stuff with me, they’ve never pressured me like ‘You need to date’ or ‘Get married’ or ‘Grandkids now!’ but that and a Christian school sort of just like enforced ‘You just don’t talk about sex, that’s for when you get married and you get married cause you’re supposed to GOD WILL LEAD YOU TO THE RIGHT PERSON’ like not directly? but it was there it wasn’t normal to talk about this stuff

I think when I was around 16 I sort of had a few thoughts like ‘i guess a boyfriend would be nice? I don’t know’ but didn’t put much thought in it, guessed I’d maybe find someone. At 16 I was suddenly chucked back in the real world and around ‘normal’ people my own age after leaving my weird church school . I remember a few cases of ‘we’re talking about sex ehehehe sex!’ and I was just incredibly uncomfortable in those conversations but I mean i was a weird sheltered kid so ofc i’d be uncomfortable right?

Also online growing up I was sort of exposed to slash and shipping and was a bit like ‘uh ok i don’t get this? people do this but why? IT’S WEIRD’ (thats changed ngl)

Then in about 2012 (20-21 y/old) at this point for some reason I got it in my head to try online dating? i found a website/app that seemed pretty friendly. I met a guy we start talking we’re getting along pretty well he seems nice. It’s nearing the time there’s a con, there’s a vague idea ‘hey if i go we can meet up in person’, he makes suggestions we should hook up, I’m like ‘Uh I’m not sure’ (I mean we’ve not met in person and so you know it doesn’t seem safe and tbh that was probably the good option anyway) but he seems ok with it we agree to keep talking but that doesn’t happen we can’t get past that awkward hump. I also at that point had gone from ‘further education college’ to ‘unemployed and on benefits’ it was in all not a great point, we don’t talk again It’s not just the awkward conversation but also the mental state I was in.

Then i remember starting to think, starting to sit down. I’d kinda come across the term Ace in a community I was in that wasn’t tumblr but didn’t think much of it other than ‘ok that’s a thing’ but yes tumblr educated me a heck of a lot about stuff ok. I started thinking

Wait why do i think I’m straight? I have no evidence for this? wtf? WHAT IS GOING ON OVER HERE PLEASE SEND HELP

I mean that stuff above all reasons why maybe I was but just very sheltered and lacking a social network as it were (as in a network of people) to go out and hey go and find mr dream man? I’m just a late bloomer, it’s not the right time, I’m not looking for a relationship right now

But then it was like ‘wait i’ve never crushed on anyone i think? not really?’ ‘Not really on any celebs or people I’ve known or seen?’ and yeah it threw me for a loop a bit.

Then yes it started clicking I didn’t really seem to feel anything? About anyone?No matter the gender. I mean other than ‘well aww relationships seem nice? I like reading stuff about them? I like seeing happy couples?’ but me in one? me perusing one? wtf is all that about?

I could see someone and it’s like ‘oh that’s a nice looking person’ but it’s like ‘ok and what does she do with this information?’ people would talk about I WANT TO SLEEP WITH THIS CELEBRITY/MARRY THEM and I’m like ‘I would like to be friends with them? i would like to meet them they seem a nice person’

Over time I got used to sex scenes and talking about sex and I learned more about it. it no longer makes me uncomfortable, I’ll discuss it for characters cause ‘hey it’s sort of an element of character development’ and ‘it can be part of a couple’s dynamic’ like ‘Well sex happens’ and well sometimes it can be funny or sweet to come up with scenarios that happen between two characters and so forth.

I enjoy reading and writing relationships, i enjoy seeing strong couples, i enjoy shipping them together and so forth. I think that stuff is good. Please give me all the media with good relationships, let me embrace the diversity and so forth.

This process of ‘unpacking’ probably took two years and then for for 2 years? I think I’ve been like ‘Ok I’m like 99.8% sure I am ace in some form?’ the little bit is to cover ‘i might be something else and don’t know it yet’

I doubt it quite often though that little ‘Maybe I’m a bit screwed up?’ ‘Maybe I’m just too sheltered/too much of a hermit to meet people’ and so on. it’s tiring being under the Questioning Q at times.

But that’s it, it’s just like ‘Nothing there’, it is like that scene from Bojack Horseman with Todd for me. I understand what makes someone ‘sexy’ apparently according to mainstream standards, I can identify an attractive person, I know what love is, I know what relationships are, i know what sex is and so forth but it’s all theoretical?

It’s like.. how a bird flies I may be able to learn everything about it and then tell you how a bird flies but I don’t have wings I can’t actually experience what it is to fly with a pair of wings. I just know about it but I don’t seem to feel it. There’s a disconnect of some sort between it and myself like ‘the info is there but what do i do with it?’ fish and a bicycle.

I’m not scared of relationships or commitment, i’m not scared of intimacy and sex i think, I kind of want intimacy (I’m kinda lonely at times in all honestly) it’s not like I want to run away from it as such. I do think I kind of maybe want a romantic relationship at least once but as to with who I am not sure. But in a sense the thought of entering dating seems a bit of a mindfield considering I can’t even answer ‘Who do you like?’ at this point. And well i’m pretty sure ‘mainstream dating’ is not the place for me, it’s a scary place.

As far as I can tell I’m not ill, everything works as it should do. Nothing physically/chemically wrong with me.

I’ve generally been ‘ok’, but then at the same time i’m not really out. I mean to ‘real life’ people I know. People I think just assume I’m chronically single or something. I’ve had a few conversations with people where I’ve just wanted to yell I AM ACE I DO NOT KNOW LEAVE ME ALONG OK PLS THANK YOU

I can’t say if I’m an ‘aroace’ I’m not sure, i don’t think I’m aro but then I can’t really say if I particularly experience romantic attraction to people either I’m still muddling this out over here and have no idea in what direction that’s going to go if any.

I guess end of this, I am going to be 25 in a couple of days, and well. I’m like 99.8% I am asexual in some form.

I am ace.

#starry's rambles #long and rambly post but like...#idk i just had to get this stuff out i think?#god i hope i don't regret making this post #if you managed to read through all of this kudos to you #i don't think i wanted it to get this long but whoops

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duckfila · 5 years

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Before being read, @furiousgoldfish originally made this post and I want to give them credit for it, I just did not know how to bold the checklist without having to copy and paste the entire thing in my reblog, and I knew that would make for a very long post. So credit to them. I am also sorry for posting this very long post that has nothing to do with my aesthetic and blog theme, but I am struggling right now and I knew this was the only way to get something across to someone. I do encourage that everyone take a look over this as well because not everyone knows the signs. Thank you.

Am I in an abusive relationship/friendship? Checklist. Bold the ones that happened to you, italicize if you’re not sure. Originally written for relationships, later realized most points are applicable to friendships as well. (some are relationship specific, so you can ignore them if you’re checking for friendship, also this works for marriage as well)

Physical abuse

they sometimes push me, kick me, and/or intimidate me physically

they’ve hit me before, and I’m scared they might do it again

they make it clear that they want to hit me

they’ve been hitting walls, throwing things around me and at me, kicking objects or furniture, making it clear they’re barely controlling themselves not to hit me

they sometimes corner me/trap me with their body so I can’t escape (during arguments or otherwise)

they left painful marks on my body (from gripping my body too tight in anger, from pushing me to fall down, from rough treatment, dragging)

they sometimes hurt me but it’s only because they have short temper/alcohol problem/tough day at work/other things they deal with

they sometimes hurt me but they make it clear it’s only because of something I’ve done/said or something I failed to do or say

they’ve choked me, restrained my movements, pinned me down and refused to let me go even though I was struggling/paralyzed

they’ve ignored my cries of pain and kept hurting me

I’ve been in hospital before due to the injuries they’ve caused me

they sometimes make me feel like my life is in danger

Social abuse

they hate my friends, and want me to spend less time with them, or completely cut them out of my life

they’ve affected me to drop more than one friend from my life

they’ve managed to isolate me from family members, friends, acquaintances and people I used to enjoy spending my time with

they get angry if I enjoy my time out with friends/family, and call my socializing derogatory names, as if hanging out with people was a luxury I’m not supposed to enjoy

they lie about what people have said about me/think about me, in a way that makes me feel humiliated and hated by everyone

their behaviour towards me changes drastically based on who we’re with, they’re completely different when we’re alone compared to when we are in someone else’s company

they lie about our relationship to others, in front of me, and I feel I’m not allowed to challenge them

they threaten me in private to how I’m supposed to act when in public

they humiliate me in public and in front of their friends

they tell people to “just ignore me” and teach them how to dismiss me and my feelings

they talk badly about me to their friends and family and/or mine

they lie to others about what I’ve said and done, making sure I look awful

they make decisions for me and relay them to others without my permission, making sure I look selfish/rude/inconsistent/cruel if I don’t follow through

they mock my talk, walk, behaviour, opinions and features in front of others

they allow others to insult and humiliate me, and they dismiss it all as jokes

they allow others to say offensive, triggering and cruel things to me and they encourage it

they use my reactions to prove to others how I’m overemotional, too sensitive, hysterical or crazy

Emotional abuse

they yell at me even when I’m already crying

they make me feel as if no matter how much I try, I’m never good enough

they call me ugly/lazy/worthless/miserable/toxic, and act like they’re allowed to because it’s the “truth”

when I really need their help/support/comfort, they’re emotionally unavailable, or show no interest in helping me

they make me feel guilty and ashamed if I’m not there for them at any moment, and accuse me of caring too much about other people and activities, when I should make it all about them

they use every opportunity to talk about themselves and ignore whatever I say as if I only said it to offer them a chance to talk about their own issues, even if their issues are much smaller

they intentionally leave out some vital details about their life and feelings, only to use them later to prove how neglectful and ignorant I am of their issues, regardless of how much I listen to them

they make me participate in activities I don’t enjoy, benefit, or feel comfortable doing

they exclude me on purpose from activities I would have enjoyed doing

they get angry if I don’t readily quit my own activities for the sake of accompanying them on theirs

when planning, they always assume and take for granted I’ll do all the heavy and unpleasant work

they refuse to do a same favour for me that I’ve done for them in the past

they purposely do their part of the work badly so I would never ask them to do it again

they purposely manage activities so that I end up doing more unpleasant and draining work

it’s always assumed I’ll sacrifice my goals and needs for the sake of theirs

they seem to forget I have need for attention, affection and support, and no matter how much of it I give to them, I rarely or never get any in return

they don’t do anything for me, to the point where I feel neglected, lonely and sad as if I’m not in a relationship at all

if I point out they neglect me, they get angry and act as if I’m expecting the impossible from them, and accuse me of neglecting them instead

they’ve cheated on me before

they’ve cheated on me and decided it was my fault, because I wasn’t doing enough for them

they’ve cheated on me and demand forgiveness

they flirt with others when they know it makes me insecure and scared

they lie about the time they spend with others and make me feel guilty for doubting their lies

they go over my stuff, look thru my phone/computer/other private device, and make arguments to why they have the right to do it, and why I’m not to be trusted

they accuse me of cheating, flirting, and wanting to have relationships with others, to the point where I’m not allowed to look or talk to another person without getting punished for it

they feel they have the right to punish me, and often let me know they’re deciding just how dire of a punishment i have deserved

they insist on keeping the relationship secret to everyone, and I’m not allowed to let anyone know I’m even talking to them

they lied to me about having other relationships or being married

they make me feel like I’m hard to love

they frequently remind me of how much I am to deal with, and how much they have to sacrifice because of me

they frequently remind me of my every bad feature to remind me that I’m a burden to them, and that I should be grateful they still tolerate me

they keep promising they will never hurt me again, but they still keep repeating it

I always have to be reminded of how tough they had it and all the reasons they have for acting hurtful the way they do

I always have to focus on their problems, and push mine under the surface, theirs just seem to be more important

I always have to be considerate and hide my pain in order to not make them feel guilty

I always have to forgive them and keep acting like nothing bad happened when they hurt me

I’m sometimes scared of them, but I push it down and remind myself of the nice things they did

I’m sometimes worried they’re going to hurt me, but I remind myself of their potential to love me

I often feel used and exploited by them, and like they’re only with me to get something out of it

I keep waiting for them to return my love and act more supportive towards me for a long time

I sometimes want to break up but every time I start feeling this way they do something to make me feel too guilty to leave, or give me more hope that things will get better if I stay.

I feel if I leave them I’ll be doing the same thing everyone else has done to them, and I don’t want to be that person.

I feel obligated to stay because they’ll have nobody without me.

I feel like I owe them too much to leave them.

I feel like I’m here to prove to them that not everyone is awful, and that they can get what they need in life, and to restore their faith in humanity, and for this I’ve been enduring everything they did to me.

I feel like nobody will ever love me again if I leave.

I feel like I wouldn’t be able to survive without them.

I’m scared they’ll hurt me if I leave.

I’m scared they’ll hurt themselves if I leave.

they’ve threatened to hurt me, or hurt themselves if I leave

Psychological abuse

they insult me and/or call me names and slurs, and play it off as a joke a moment afterwards

they insist i don’t have a real reason for getting upset/offended/hurt

they humiliate and blame me for having problems and struggling with life

they insist that I caused all the problems for myself and I wouldn’t have them if I wasn’t so stupid/incapable/slow/mentally ill/lazy/problematic

they insist my problems are “made up” or just me dramatizing my situation

they question my choices until I start doubting them myself

they claim I’m too emotional and irrational to be making any choices

they call me “too difficult” or “too complicated” to deal with, and to love

they make me responsible for their feelings and actions towards me (if they do something it’s because “I made them do it”, if they feel angry it’s because I “provoked” them, if they feel unsatisfied it’s because I haven’t done enough for them)

they use my chronic illness/mental illness/psychological issues against me, to prove that I’m not a full person worthy of love, and that they’re supposed to be praised and rewarded for dealing with me

they use my past trauma/past experiences to explain why I’m distrustful and why I perceive them the way I do (implying that my perception is wrong and it’s my fault I don’t trust them)

they demand to decide how I should perceive their actions (they insist I should find their hurtful actions funny, charming, acts of good intentions)

they minimize and dismiss my feelings, concern, worry, anxiety, fear (you’re exaggerating, you’re dramatizing, get over it, get over yourself, people have it worse, you’re lucky, you should be grateful)

I can’t openly tell them when they’ve hurt me, I know it will make them angry/sad/upset

they make me comfort them when they hurt me

they get angry at mere implication that they did something wrong, and will fight to prove me otherwise, and punish me for making such accusation

they use my lack of knowledge in certain areas to make me look extremely dumb and ignorant

they belittle and put down my ideas, opinions, experiences and thoughts

they sometimes act like they don’t remember something they said or did to me that was really hurtful

they sometimes act like i did things they did (they will smash a vase and then ask me who smashed it, or why did I smash it the next day)

they insist they didn’t do or say things I can clearly remember them doing or saying, they demand my memory is wrong and that I must be imagining things (I would never do/say that!)

Body control

they make comments about my appearance that lowers my confidence

they make blatant requests and demands about how I should look/dress/take care of myself

they make demands and requests to what I should do with my own body

they talk as if it would be stupid for me to make my own decisions

they insult my body features, criticize my appearance, my weight, my dress choices

they insult features I feel really insecure about, and it makes me feel worse

they laugh at my appearance in front of others, and try to get others to notice a flaw

they compare me to others to show me how I should look, act and behave (why aren’t you more like x?)

Financial abuse (relationship/marriage specific)

they decided I spend too much and used it to take control of finances

they insist on controlling the finances and income, and dismiss me as too incapable to deal with such things

they don’t like me having a source of income and insist I should become financially dependent on them (maybe they framed it like “you don’t have to work, I’ll take care of you”)

they’ve managed to make me financially dependent on them, and they’re using it against me

they demand I don’t have equal rights to decide and manage our finances since they’re the only one bringing the income

they withhold money from me unless I do everything they want and expect of me to do

they make priorities to spend on luxury for themselves, while dismissing my necessities (basic clothing, food, hygiene items, healthcare needs, current project needs)

they decide how much I’m allowed to spend and I have to show proof of it

they lie to me about finances and our current standing

they spend large amounts of money secretly (on gambling, prostitution, alcohol, drugs)

I was forced to pay off their debts/credits/payments for their own belongings

I was forced to save them from financial trouble, and they only made more financial trouble

I’m forced to support them due to their unwillingness to work/losing a job on purpose

they emotionally/psychologically abuse me if I don’t give them full rights to my finances

Sexual abuse (tw rape)

they sexualize my behaviour, take my words and actions sexually when they’re not meant to be, and accuse me of “provoking them”

they get upset and angry if I refuse them for sex, or if I refuse to do a certain act

they punish me for refusing, withhold affection, care, resources from me

they don’t accept me saying “no” to sex, and will keep pressuring me

I don’t always feel like I can easily say no to them, they make me feel like I owe them sex

they’ve told me I’m ungrateful, cruel, selfish and withholding for refusing

if I said yes to something they assume it’s a yes for every time they want it, I’m not allowed to change my mind afterwards

I’m forced to give them sexual favours for holidays/birthdays that I don’t enjoy or want to do

they pressure and coerce me into sex acts I’m not sure I want to do, or I’m sure I don’t want to do them

they’ve been pressuring me to include other people in our sexual life, when I don’t want to

they’ve physically forced me into sex without my consent before

they touch me when I don’t feel comfortable with them doing so

they don’t stop touching me when I tense up/freeze

they’re rough and inconsiderate during sex, and don’t seem to care if they’re hurting me

they don’t stop when I’m hurt, overwhelmed, in pain, crying, making pained noises, paralyzing

they use sex to lash out their anger, and end up hurting me

they humiliate, insult, call me derogatory names and slurs, and emotionally abuse me during sex

they’ve inflicted injuries onto me during sex

they’ve done things I specifically told them not to during sex

they’ve done things to me during sex that I mentioned before to be uncomfortable with

they’ve put me in position where I couldn’t refuse to do a sexual act

they control me during sex, and will get angry or forceful if I don’t obey

they refuse to offer any gentleness and physical care during sex

they refuse to be gentle and considerate to me except after they’ve already hurt me sexually

they demand a lot of sexual attention but refuse to give any to me

they demand a lot of touch and physical affection but refuse to look at me or touch me the same way

they will call me disgusting/undesirable/ugly/unlovable and refuse to touch me, at the same time demanding that I give them what they want sexually

they’ve done things to me without my knowledge (while incapacitated, asleep, unconscious)

they’ve filmed our sexual contact without my knowledge, and/or shared it with others

*even if you seek out or derive pleasure from sexual abuse it will still inflict psychological injuries, and any person who would harm you during intimacy is not safe for your well being

If you bolded more than 7 items on this list, you are dealing with an abusive partner/friend. This is not a complete list of abusive behaviour, but it’s as extensive as I was able to make it. If you can think of more abusive behaviour not listed here, add it to the list! Also, if you have confirmed you’re in an abusive relationship with a man, your next reading should be “Why does he do that”, download it here.

And when you know the warning signs and try to tell them, they get angry at you and say you’re hurt over nothing, and then after that you want to go home because they don’t understand and will not comfort you over something you should “not be hurt about”, but then going home is called “running away” even though you told them respectfully that you needed to and then they threaten to break up with you if you do go home.

I love you and your personality and want to spend my life with you, and changing toxic traits does take a long time, but nothing will change if you don’t recognize that you are abusing me. I know what it looks like because I’ve been through it before. I want to be there for you and help you change, but like I said, nothing will if you can’t even understand and realize what you are doing to me.

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cyanpeacock · 5 years

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Realtalk(tm): Or Is It All Fake Silence? (On The Topic of Non-Duality)

so. i’m Headache and Tired .

recently i have been considering non-duality (again) and it is, well, endless. but always has an end. but then it starts again, so, did it ever really end? does it matter if it ended. it does! but also, it doesn’t. and really, if it’s both, isn’t it all kind of “ehhh.” but then, “ehhh” is like, the most important thing sometimes.

but THEN. importance is, relative, subjective, not that important. and subjective can be objective and vice-versa, but not always, but if it’s sometimes, then sometimes it’s always, but always, only sometimes. you get the picture, or you don’t, or you kinda do, and honestly, it’s all the fucking same, because it’s all points on a continuum.

BUT THEN do points even exist on a continuum? they do, if you’re looking for/making them. but they don’t, if you’re only looking at the line, so it isn’t actually all the same. and if you’re facing the other direction, you’re like “what points? what line? they don’t exist, do they?” and yeah, they don’t exist! because you can’t see them! but they might exist, outside your field of perception, so they do exist.

what is seeing, anyway. the information goes through so many transformations from its original form to be registered by a brain. the colours i see are not the colours you see, the colours you see are not the colours a mantis shrimp sees. one camera takes photos that come out all yellow, the other takes them with a bluish tint.

right and wrong... subject, object. (ok i’m putting a cut in here bc this got, long and kind of emotionally sorta-really-deep-but-neither, under the jump)

but really i’m mad because, i can’t actually stop thinking about this for long? i always come back to this kind of like, consideration of (non-)“binary” concepts.

like, is the concept of “i” even useful? i mean, yes, because it refers to the body, the mind(s) inhabiting it, and aspects contained within those things.

but then also, “i” is not useful, because broadly, there is no “i”, “i” does not exist in isolation, “i” is dependent/contingent on every surrounding factor.

but specifically, “i” exists, and if i come back to i, then like, i was in so much pain, i was so angry, i was not supported in the right ways at the right times. but then, other “i”s around me did not have the means to support me, they were angry, they were in pain.

so like, it’s fucking me up, because i still have this ingrained binary concept of Right and Wrong, Good and Bad, from like, less-than-good-enough parenting. i’m returning to seeing things through other people’s eyes, getting it wrong because i don’t have their life experiences or method of using the pathways they have, my mind is still going to “oh fuck, i’m Bad, i’m Wrong--” and my body is experiencing the physical reaction to that. i’m forgetting that, well, my i exists?

hence why i am here engaging in these clumsy unpracticed mental acrobatics. attempting to remember what my i is, or create one, or something.

because, well, my i is... uh, i don’t know? how do i define it. flippy. flipping over constantly. i live on earth one minute, but like, as i’m walking along to the shop, i’m suddenly walking along little asteroids on the edge of saturn’s rings, i see it, i feel that space is cold. i’m a robot! but i’m a robot who thinks-feels-eats-breathes and who wants to be a man. and then, i guess that is a man? because what is a man, but a really complicated robot. but i’m made of metal on the inside! sometimes the outside! but only because i see it in my mind, but the mind is real, so whatever the mind creates is real, at least in my non-dual sub/objective opinion/experience?

but yeah. only i know what condition i was in during certain events, and i know how actions of other people kicked me while i was down. and other individuals that tell me i’m wrong, i don’t need help, when i’m telling them something is wrong, i need help, like... that’s their prerogative? they can and will do that, i have no control over that? but god FUCK this individual acutely feels wounded over it, and i gotta respect that, because those other individuals can’t feel what i’m feeling.

but then, frustratingly, i’m also well aware that while there are alternative pathways that could have happened, there was no alternative pathway because of the way the cards fell/are falling, so the one that did happen, the painful one, happened!

it’s all such a huge ball of Fuck. real is imaginary and imaginary is real and both mean everything and nothing but everything is more or less the same as nothing etc etc.

and it’s all a matter of scale and perspective.

so i guess, i’m having to identify my perspective, and the scale i’m functioning on? and, uh, figure out how to return to that at the right times, in order to attend to Body Needs and Mind Needs and Environment Needs, which are all more or less the same thing, but not.

which is, well, shit, i can feel my body again. the body, a body, this physical organism that is sitting here typing this. and this body remembers being yanked and hit and shouted at and made to feel small and stupid and inconvenient and troublesome. this body remembers being routinely insulted and jeered at and mocked and not defended or taught how to defend itself.

which, well, sure, i suppose a long duration filled with being perceived and reacted to like that, is why the mind that is-and-is-within this body has developed such a... well. one-and-many system. selves, non-selves, worlds, non-worlds, presences and absences. living inside the mind, most of the time, is a LOT less painful than living inside the body.

i have... autonomy? i have bodily autonomy? i don’t have to follow an order or be punished? i don’t have to perform certain acts to receive love and affection from myself? i can choose where to go, what to do, what to say, i can choose when and how i go about things, i can validate my own “whys”? i can tell the self-non-selves that yell at me and slice my body in negative emotional reactions, actually, this is not helpful? etc etc?

this... i’m still getting used to this. marginally past “sounds fake but okay.” i’m still reacting in the present to past feelings of, well, yeah. being made to feel so small and stupid and incompetent that the pain i felt in that moment was intolerable, and i wanted my existence to end permanently right there, and that i made active efforts to try and achieve that. but, i am reliving those emotions less, which i suppose is... well, that’s emotional processing, babey!

so, well, uh.

right now! i am and am not suicidal. i’m not, you know, out here with a noose right now suicidal, but i am suicidal, in a really, like, long, slow, drawn-out, masochistic kind of way, because frankly i’m aware that even breathing the air in here is killing me. i have to be suicidal to like, live? at least for now, i gotta be, you know, pretty damn enthusiastic about the idea of my own death and its randomness and my part in bringing it on, in order to enjoy the whole, living thing? i dig it, death is sexy, he’s my other boyfriend. i mean, sometimes i don’t, but then i do again, so, yeah, fuck, you get the picture, or don’t, and so on so forth.

man like I have received shit in the past for like... “overcomplicating” things. but dude... this is literally how complicated it is, for me. i can’t switch this off until it’s Good and focking Ready to be switched off, i.e., i’ve made some or several point(s) to-with my self-selves. argh, english language is so clumsy for discussing this, language is so clumsy, it is a tool, it will suffice.

BUT YES my braincalm feeling is making itself known so, i suppose this is, The End. until, you know, i make another post, tomorrow night, about something the-same-but-different. it is all so uglybeautiful shallowdeep and like a f!cking wheel with infinite-finite points always-never turning. basard. the non-duality... it never STOPS, until you stop thinking about non-duality, in which case, it’s still a side within non-duality... f!cking paradoxical-non-paradoxical. Loops. Loops Everywhere. The Strings. Oh God. The Strings

OK jesus if i don’t make the judgement call and just say Yeah Ok Stop. this will never end. Back To Your Regularly Scheduled Obscurity And Reblogged Content

#long post #trauma #death #suicide #uh #yeah #what the hell

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thatawkwardnerdytomboy · 6 years

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Happy Broke Millennial New Year!

So I keep seeing my Facebook friends posting subjective statuses as if they’re objective about 2017 as if the things they’re posting about apply to everyone and I know that they don’t but still...I don’t think they understand that not everyone had the same year they did. 2017 might have been fantastic for some people but for others, it wasn’t. So, my 2017 was pretty terrible. How? Why?

1. Donald Trump’s Inauguration! Yet another reminder of how shitty this country can be. Congrats, America! You voted for a rapist who believes that Climate Change is a Chinese hoax, who wants to go to war with North Korea, is racist, hates Muslims, wants to make the poor poorer, the rich richer and wants to outsource more jobs to other countries than any other president and wants to build a wall that Mexicans can just fly over on a plane. Congratu-fucking-lations...

2. I lost 2 jobs! Funding for the arts has been getting cut so much because Republicans hold the majority of the house and senate that arts programs like the ones I work for don’t have enough funds to pay their employees. So, one of my jobs on 4 occasions since 2017 started couldn’t pay us on time. And I drained my savings account and nearly maxed out my credit cards trying to get to work and feed myself while I was working for this organization and I decided that it wasn’t worth it to go into so much debt anymore and I had to quit. The other arts organization I was working for laid me off without even telling me. So luckily, and I use that word lightly, I got a job at the community service program I was in while in high school which leads to my next one...

3. Got a new job and I hate it! Working over the summer at this place was a fucking nightmare. It was my first summer camp job. There was so much shit to do and know. I was managing a group of 6th graders and the guy I was working with was an insubordinate asshole who gave me an attitude whenever I asked him to do anything. He kept breaking rules, he would leave me to do all the planning for each day when we were supposed to be planning things together, he did inappropriate things with the kids and whenever I pulled him aside to talk to him about these things in private, he started raising his voice at me like he doesn’t know how to have a private conversation. I talked to my boss about him multiple times and she didn’t do much. He didn’t change. Oh, and he ever yelled at her once too. I was so stressed at this job that I had a panic attack after work and had to be taken to the hospital. And when I texted this guy to tell him that I wasn’t going to be in that day and told him where to find everything we needed for a field trip, he yet again gave me an attitude. What fucking human being hears from their co-worker that they had to go to the hospital for a panic attack and responds with “oh, that’s your job?” I was so fucking livid. And eventually, when one of the kids’ parents called to complain about him touching her daughter inappropriately, he quit. Wow, child molester in the making...fucking creep. So I still work at this place but with less hours because it’s just an after-school program now. The kids that I work with are the worst group of kids I have ever had to work with in my 7 years of working with kids. They make racist and homophobic comments all the time (try hearing these things when you’re black and gay), they start physical altercations with each other, they’re blatantly disrespectful to staff, one girl even called my co-worker/friend a racial slur. There’s not enough time in the day to get our work done and me and one of the other staff are always having to stay late to get things done and we don’t get paid for the extra hours that we stay. I really want to quit this job and I don’t wanna work with kids anymore. It’s grating on my mental health. If I can’t get a job in my field (animation, comics or other commercial arts) then I rather just work in an office somewhere as a data clerk because I spent 3 years in college doing that as a work-study job. But apparently, I’m not qualified to do that either. No one wants me to do anything other than working with kids.

4. I’ve gone into more debt this year! Yay! $600 from going to the hospital for a panic attack, about $450 from credit card debt from my jobs not paying me on time and whatever interest I have accrued from my deferred student loans plus the $50K in loans that I owe. I’m trying to save up to move out because my living situation has become more crowded. I live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my girlfriend, mom, her boyfriend and my brother. My brother sleeps in the living room which is attached to the kitchen which means that when he goes to sleep, we can’t go out into the kitchen to get food or throw trash out and it’s really fucking annoying. Also, I have to share a bathroom with 4 other people and I have a disease (hypothyroidism) that causes gastro-intestinal issues and I’m also a girl so that means that often I can’t get into the bathroom when I really need to. My girlfriend and I applied for a low-income housing lottery and I really hope that we get called. I’m scraping by with what I make at my job and I have to help my mom with rent and bills and it’s just really difficult trying to pay any debt off and save money. Like wow, I live in a country where poor/low-income college grads may have to go on welfare to survive and can’t get a break with student loans and the fucking president wants to help out the rich people and screw the poor over more. Oh, and fuck Betsy Devos for wanting to make life harder for people like me.

5. I lost one of my closest friends. I had a friend in college who I was very close to. She was always there for me when I needed her, she helped me with my assignments, we hung out with each other outside of school and we always confided in each other. I got to meet her family and even after graduation and she had to move back to Florida, we still kept in contact. She was supposed to come back to NYC with her mom but she was having some family issues and had to stay. I haven’t heard from her since 2016 in November. I’ve been trying to contact her ever since. I called, texted, e-mailed, I’ve messaged her brothers on Facebook with no response, I contacted her friend and asked if she’s heard from her and she hasn’t...I’m pretty worried. For all I know she could be dead or her family could have been deported since Trump has ramped up ICE’s tyranny. I miss the hell out of her. I just really want to hear her voice. If I had the money, I’d go to Florida and try to look her up. I was thinking of sending a letter to her address to see if anyone replies to it.

Despite how terrible this year has been for me, here are are a couple of positive things that have come out of it.

1. I made 3 years with my girlfriend and we’ve been talking about getting married in the future. Which means that when we have the money and our own place, we’ll most likely get engaged which I’m really excited for. We’ve been through a lot together, good and bad and we’ve always remained by each other. I feel like she’s the girl of my dreams; she’s everything that I want in a girl. She’s sweet, nerdy, affectionate, sensitive, open-minded, we have so much in common and we want the same things out of our relationship. We both want to move to California someday, travel, adopt kids, have pets and have the lives that we’ve always wanted for ourselves growing up. I hope that our relationship remains as great as it is now.

2. I may, someday soon, actually get to live out my dream of being a filmmaker! When I was in high school, I was taking a comic book illustration class with Ivan Velez Jr. a former writer for Marvel and DC comics and ever since, we’ve remained in contact. A few months ago, he contacted me and some of his other former students and said that he wants to work on a film project with us and that he has connections with Netflix! I’m not going to get my hopes up because this is a really big chance and a lot of things can change or possibly go wrong but so far, it seems like things are going well. I can’t talk about what we’ve been planning but he has to speak to his Netflix connect and see if we can get funding for this project before anything else happens. But yeah, I’m super excited! He says that we might be able to start filming as soon as later this year if we get the funding. I already worked on a script for the short film I want to make and I have other things planned for this story as well. It’s funny, I was just ranting about how disappointed I am with some films I’ve been seeing and not too much later, he contacts me. So I’m hoping it works out!

So I hope that all my fellow struggling millennials and non-millennials have had a better 2017 than me and that your 2018 comes with more hopes and positive life changes. Hope everyone can take better care of themselves and keep fighting though things are really difficult and seem hopeless.

Happy New Year!

Please reblog if you’ve had a tough year and let me know about it so we and all the other struggling millennials out there know that we’re not alone!

#Millennials #millennial generation #stuggling millennials #broke millennials #broke #struggling #new year #2017 #2018 #new year 2018 #rant #money problems #the struggle

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