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pascalssbabyy · 8 months

Text

Something New 🤍

Pairing: Joel Miller x Innocent!F!Reader

Rating: Explicit 18+

Word Count: 14.6k (oops?)

Summary: Getting bored of the bare minimum in Jackson was getting to you. Until you mention to Tommy that you want to start helping with patrol duty. Successfully persuading him to go with the idea, Tommy knows just the man to pair you up with.

Warnings: 18+ SMUT, no use of Y/N, age gap (not actually specified), insecure!reader, slight insecure!Joel, soft!Joel but also mean!Joel, slight inexperienced!reader, P in V, unprotected sex (don’t actually do this, please be safe!) m!masturbation, f!oral receiving, drunk sexual harassment (not from Joel), Tommy and reader know each other well. Cute ending 🤍

🤍 Hi everyone! This is my first ever story on here! I am so so anxious posting it as I’ve never wrote anything like this in my life so please be easy on me! I know it’s probably not the best but I’m learning! I’ve re-read it loads so forgive me if there’s any mistakes. Please enjoy and let me know what you think. 🤍

Life in Jackson was definitely something you’d never thought you’d have. A roof under your head, security, food and an actual community where everyone was there for one another. It was such a huge change for everyone and it was definitely difficult to get used to at the start. No more sleepless nights, no more fighting for survival, it was a life you’d never thought would be possible.

You’ve now been in Jackson for over a year. About a month in Tommy had given you a lists of jobs that you could pick from to help the people and the community. He wasn’t pushy with it of course but you were eager to help out as much as you could. It was a rocky start for you to try a fit in as you were new and still not being used to other people around you, the constant feeling of needing to protect yourself and keep others out, you kept yourself to yourself like life had always been. You wanted a job to help get you out there, to get you socialising with everyone and hopefully make a few friends along the way, and you thought the perfect way to do that was to get a job at The Tipsy Bison.

Work was fine in the beginning, it actually made life feel normal again, like there was no apocalypse that had completely wiped the world and killed almost everyone. Your job at the pub is where you met your now best friend Rebecca. She was only a couple years older than you and you both got on pretty much instantly, she’s got to know everything about you, what life was like before Jackson and how you got here in the first place, it was nice to finally have someone to talk to and to feel yourself around, you could trust her with anything and everything.

It’s a Friday night and you’re currently working the late shift. Rebecca is sat in-front of you clutching on her icy glass of spirits while you dry the clean glasses and put them away in their designated spot.

“Josh asked me out today can you believe it?” Her voice cuts you out of your trance as you turn to face her, rolling you eyes before she can see. “Ooh did he now?” You reply raising you eyebrows at her which makes her scoff. “Yeah yeah I know what your thinking, he’s a nice guy I promise you.” She sips on the last bit of her drink, pulling her face in at the taste of it, burning as it goes down her throat, the bottom of the drink is always the strongest. Rebecca didn’t even know why she brought it up in the first place, she knows you inside out and knows just how you’d react.

The truth was you were a little jealous of Rebecca in that sense. She was beautiful so she was bound to get guys coming up to her. Offering her a drink here and there, asking to walk her home when it got too dark outside. She bloomed confidence and was never the one to turn any guy down.

You’d get that too, men asking you out, that was a negative of working at the Tipsy Bison. Drunk men waltzing up to the bar in attempt to impress you, asking if they could wait for you to finish to walk you home or buy you a drink after your shift, the thought makes you sick. This is a couple of the reasons why you started disliking your job, tired of the harassment from men, the late nights and busy days leaving you exhausted to do anything after. You wanted a change, something to bring that spark back to you, and that was just about to happen.

“I heard they’re looking for recruitment for the patrol duties” Rebecca mentions, as she slowly swirls the ice in her empty glass, you don’t reply straight away, refilling her drink in hopes she’s carry on with what she’s going on about. “Not enough people to go on route at the moment apparently and the weather is putting people off which is understandable. You wouldn’t see me out there in weather like this.” Rebecca twirls her straw to mix the alcohol with the melting ice in her drink before taking a sip. “Yeh that’s true” you nod clutching the dish towel in both hands.

It’s like a lightbulb went off. Yeah patrols seemed hard but you lasted so long out there on your own why wouldn’t you be able to do it? Just going to certain checkpoints and staying on watch for a few hours or a couple night at tops. How hard could it be? It would at least get you away from all the drunk people you have to serve and deal with. It wouldn’t harm asking Tommy would it? You were young and to you, that was an advantage. You were strong and quick on your feet, sure you weren’t the best with a firearm but a knife you’d had experience in using. You knew a couple other woman that patrolled, so why couldn’t you?

It’s all you could think about walking home. It was late in the morning once you’d finished all your jobs at the pub, exhausted as you dragged your feet along the concrete path but thinking of all the possibilities of becoming a member of the patrol team. The best part, this is a job you’d be proud of, protecting the people of Jackson and looking out for the community. The thought puts a smile on your face. Once you get home you quickly get yourself in the shower to rinse off another long, boring day off your shoulders and slowly make your way into bed. You’ve made your decision, you’ll see Tommy first thing in the morning.

🍃🍃🍃🍃🍃

You’ve got a thick coat wrapped around your body as you make your way to Tommys office. The coat you wore completely swallowed you whole and was definitely too big for you, the hood engulfing your head, your hands shoved into the pockets and a thick scarf wrapped around your neck. The sound of the snow crunching against your thick boots is oddly therapeutic as you make your way to your destination. With each step you take your mind plays out the negatives: Are you starting to have second thoughts? What if he laughs at you? What if he gets offended that you’ve offered? The sweet, quiet girl going on patrols? Don’t be stupid! You’re too weak to be going on patrols. Do you even know how to do anything other than make a decent tasting cocktail? Before you can get yourself out of it and maybe have a little longer to go through the pros and cons of the situation you’re standing in front of Tommys door.

“You can do this,” you mutter to yourself. There’s no harm in asking or inquiring about the job.

You take the leap of faith and push the door open and make your way inside.

You’ve only been in Tommys office a couple of times. The last time being about how your job was going at the Tipsy Bryson and if you were settling in well at home. Of course you lied through your teeth and told him that the job was going well, not wanting to bother him with your thoughts and issues. Tommy liked to hear how you were getting on from time to time and was happy you were settling in well overall. That’s what you liked about Tommy, he was a good leader and would always take his time with everybody to know the ins and outs of their lives. He was so kind and understanding to you when you first arrived in Jackson and he made you feel so welcome, making sure everything was to your liking and if not, to come to him or Maria straight away. He was such an easy person to get on with, no wonder he was the leader of the community.

The bell above the doors goes off which grabs Tommy’s attention straight away, you gently close the door behind you and pull your oversized hoodie off your head as it rests above your shoulders.

“Hey!” Tommy smiles at you and then slightly furrows his brows as he puts his pen down and stops whatever he was writing, he definitely didn’t expect to see you here especially at this time in the morning, you’re still stood awkwardly in the doorway, noticing the slight confused look plastered on his face.

“Mornin’ love, what you doing here? How’s everything going, you alright?” He straightens up in this seat giving you his full attention with whatever reasons got you standing in his office, clearly noticing the nerves you’re suddenly feeling.

“Morning Tommy, I was uh just wondering if I could talk to you about something. It’s something I heard mentioned at work yesterday, something that I could maybe help with.”

Were you always this awkward? You slowly make your way into his office, taking you hands out of your pockets and start fiddling with your fingers, something you always do when you’re nervous, force of habit. You take a deep breath through your nose, hoping to ease the tension you were feeling in your lower stomach. Your face starts to heat up from the nerves considering the freezing cold walk over to Tommys office.

“Yea of course you can, take a seat I’ll make you a coffee, let’s get you warmed up!” Tommy leaves the room and you’re left on your own as he walks in the back to make your drink. Taking your time, you’re eyes wonder round his office, it was nice and neat with a few photo frames scattered around of Tommy and Maria and some of this life before, papers scattered round his desk and an empty cup of coffee on the corner, hearing the back door open, you see Tommy walking back to his desk and pop your hot cup of coffee in front of you, he sits himself back down so he’s facing you ready to hear what you are about to say.

“So what’s up love?” He leans back on his chair, intertwining his hands together as he looks back at you with a small, reassuring smile. Tommy always called you the sweetest of words: love, sweetheart, darling. He knew the nicknames never made you feel awkward or uncomfortable and even if they did he would stop straight away. In fact you secretly loved them and they made you feel close to him. Tommy was always someone you could count on and trust.

“Well…” you say, looking everywhere but not him. “As I said before Rebecca had mentioned to me that you needed a few extra hands for patrols and it got me thinking…I would really like to give it a go. You know, helpin’ out.” You let out the air you were holding and finally look at Tommy’s expression, his eyebrows are raised and his face has a blank stare. He definitely didn’t expect you to say that.

“Sweetheart… I don’t know if that’ll be a good idea, it’s a lot out there,” he mutters. “Why do you want to anyway? Are you not enjoying the pub?” You know you don’t have to be scared when talking to Tommy. He’s known you a while now to know that you shouldn’t be holding back anything you want to say.

“It’s just…it’s getting to me a little.” You’re now looking down at the floor. Have you disappointed him with mentioning that your job at the pub is not what you want anymore? “I just want to try something new and help out a lot more. She mentioned you’re struggling with staff at the minute n’ I’m more than up for helping out. I know I don’t really look the part but I know I can do it once I get the hang of it.” Tommy is still looking at you with his raised eyebrows and lips parted slightly.

“I mean…it’s a big job sweetheart and I just don’t think you know what you’re getting yourself into. There will be long days and the weather is making it so much more difficult for us, I don’t want to throw you in the deep end.” Tommys face is full of worry but yet softness as he’s trying to understand why going on patrol seems like something you could start doing. He never wants to put you in an uncomfortable or even a dangerous situation.

“No I know it’s not going to be easy! I lasted a long time on my own out there as you know,” those memories are hard to come back to after being in Jackson for so long and Tommy already knows what you’ve been through before he found you. “I really wanna try it, just give me a chance at it and if it doesn’t go right then we can forget it ever happened and I’ll go back to the pub.” You’re desperate to get out of your current job and Tommy can feel it in your words.

“Well I love the enthusiasm.” He chuckles when he says it and shuffles his chair closer to the desk and straights his back, he has a glimmer in his eye and writes down something on a piece of paper and gives it to you.

After a few seconds of silence Tommy speaks up. “Okay sweetheart we’ll give it a go.” Tommy gets up from his chair and comes round to the front of the desk planting both hands on the sides gently leaning his body back. “Why don’t I give ya your first job this Monday coming? It’ll only be a couple of hours and a really short one for your first time. You won’t be on your own of course and I know the perfect person to pair you up with to ease you into it.” This is perfect, you never thought he’d actually agree to it. Butterflies erupt in your lower stomach from the excitement and also just a slight bit of anxiety. You have no idea what it’ll in-tale but you don’t mind a challenge.

“Thank you Tommy I really appreciate you giving me a chance.” He just smiles at you and gives you a small nod. You had forgotten your coffee on the side and reach for it, slowly bringing it up to your lips, the strong flavour instantly warming your body up. “D’you mind if I ask who I’d be paid up with?” The cup is still touching your lips and the steam warms your red checks and nose.

“Yea of course sweetheart, you’ve heard of my brother Joel haven’t you?”

Of you know of him.

Everyone knows about Joel Miller.

Your face drops at the name. Surely there was someone else he could pair you up with other than his brother Joel. You didn’t really know him, only seeing him when he would pop in the pub for a couple of drinks after his patrol shifts or in the mornings when he would eat his breakfast in the cafeteria. He would mainly be on his own, looking like a man who enjoys his own company than being with others, occasionally Tommy would join him for a few drinks in the pub but mainly the man would make his way to the bar on his lonesome.

Joel Miller had arrived to Jackson with a young girl called Ellie only just a couple of months ago. You didn’t know much about them both other than they weren’t related but there was definitely a father/daughter relationship there. You noticed Ellie had really come out of her shell during the time she had been in Jackson, fully embracing the new and safe life that she knew Jackson would give her, finally growing into her own person and welcoming anyone who came her way. Joel however…it was a different story.

Everyone knew not to mess with Joel, words had gone round about what stuff he got up to before his arrival into Jackson, all the bad things he’d supposedly done. Tommy had warned pretty much everyone that Joel wasn’t like him. Joel was more hidden, quiet and never wanted to indulge in an social activities that happened in Jackson, which happened quiet frequently to keep morale high in the community. But that didn’t stop you from watching the man each time you heard him waltz into the bar when you were on hours.

Joel Miller to put it bluntly was the most attractive man you’d ever laid your eyes on. Tall, broad and a face that looked like it had been carved by the gods, his patchy beard and salt and pepper hair that you so badly wanted to run your hands through, a voice that would make your knees turn weak when all he would say to you is “whiskey, neat and no ice” and all you could do was nod and make what he wanted. You’d do whatever he wanted if he’d let you.

The infatuation would develop the more you saw of him, constantly checking the entrance door, the anticipation of knowing he could walk in any second, some nights left disappointed as he wouldn’t show up at all.

How can you develop a crush on a man who doesn’t even know of your existence and worse, a man who was over twice your age. You’d shove all the thoughts deep down into the pit of your stomach and just keep the attraction hidden. You could do this, a little crush wasn’t going to stop you from showing Tommy that you were capable of patrolling and doing the job successfully. Just try not to get distracted by the man.

Should be easy.

“I don’t know him much but I think we should get on okay.” (Oh you’re so wrong and you don’t even know it yet.) You’ve now finished your coffee and put the empty cup back on the desk. You gently stand up so your now in front of him and give him a wide smile.

“I really appreciate the opportunity Tommy, I won’t let you down I promise.” Tommy chuckles and stands up straight gently putting his hands on the middle of your back and walks you to the entrance door. Always such a gentleman.

“Any nonsense my grumpy older brother gives you please let me know. He’s the best person to pair you with, he’ll keep you safe out there. He’s not the most social guy and he’s a little quiet with everyone so don’t let that get to you that’s normal for Joel. I’ve wrote down the meeting time and location on that piece of paper for you. Myself n’ Joel will be there in the mornin’ just to go through some of the basics and I’ll be there the second you get back and we’ll talk about how you found it n’ possible future patrol routes for yourself and Joel. Are you 100% sure you’re up for it? You can say now if y’still unsure?”

“No no Tommy I’m sure. I’ll see you Monday.” He nods at you, says his goodbyes and give you a wave as you walk back home. Well that was successful. Monday can’t come quick enough.

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The weather to your advantage wasn’t as cold this morning as you thought it was going to be. In your right hand you had the piece of paper Tommy had given you so you definitely made sure you knew where you were going and the time you had to meet him. Checking the note every couple of minutes forever doubting yourself that you’d go to the wrong place and also get there at the wrong time. Making your way to the front of the gates you can see two silhouettes chatting to one another, your throat starts getting tighter when you see Joel move his attention straight to you walking over to him and Tommy.

“Good morning sweetheart y’here just on time!” Tommy gives you a gentle hug and rubs his hands on each side of your arms to warm you up. The action makes you chuckle, quickly easing you up to whatever him and Joel have got planned for you.

You introduce yourself to Joel and give your hand out to him to shake which he accepts. His grip is strong, making your face twitch in a slight discomfort from the surprised pressure of his calloused hands, it makes your stomach flip. His face is showing many emotions: Confusion is definitely one, maybe a hint of frustration? You know he’s questioning why the hell Tommy agreed to get you working on patrols and to even pair you up with him. What is it you thought he saw? Maybe he thinks you’re just a weak, innocent young girl who was completely out of her comfort zone. You wanted to prove him wrong, you wanted to show Joel Miller what you could do.

Tommy breaks you out of your trance and back into the conversation. “As I mentioned it’s only a short one today, me and Joel have talked about it over the weekend and he knows where he’s gonna to take you. All it’ll involve is getting used to the certain locations you’ll go to and mainly talking to you about the ins and outs of the job. It’s not gonna to be easy sweetheart so if you’re really up for it we need to get you prepared and ready for it quickly, just like an induction to the job today, that sound good?”

Each word he says has you nodding and humming in complete understanding. Your hands were shoved down in your coat pocket to keep them nice and warm, occasionally looking at Joel who was looking anywhere but you.

“Yes Tommy and once again thank you for this. And thank you Joel I do appreciate you taking the time to teach me as this is definitely new to me, I won’t let you both down.” Joel scoffs at your comment which results in a quick punch to the top of his arm by Tommy.

“Well then…” Tommy claps both hands together, ready to say his farewell to the both of you. “I’ll be right here when you get back. Joel please keep her safe and be easy on her, good luck sweetheart.” Tommy rubs his fingers over your shoulder in reassurance as he walks away from the entrance and out of sight. This now leaves you and Joel together…alone.

You’re both stood there awkwardly. Oh god will it always be like this? You’re about to say something when Joel suddenly beats you to it.

“Right listen here little one.” Okay, that took you off guard. “I want no talking from you while we’re on route. I don’t want to know anything about you, absolutely nothin’ and I want nothin’ coming out of your mouth that isn’t work related. When we’re at our first location I’ll have some ground rules that are non-negotiable and must be followed at all times, d’you understand me?”

His huge frame is towering over you, it’s making your breath hitch in your throat and your stomach turn, but maybe in a good way? His voice is low and has a slight roughness to it, you can almost feel it vibrating on your body and it’s making your mind go dizzy. He’s that close to you you can smell him, he even smells nice, a-bit like wood and the body wash he must of used this morning. Did the man have any visual flaw? That would at least make it easier for you to work with him.

“Yea’ Joel I understand.” You’re looking directly at him, finding it hard to look away from the deep brown in his eyes. All he does is nod at your words and straighten back up. He roughly picks up his backpack putting it across his shoulders and picks up his rifle. You weren’t sure what to pack for the day as Tommy didn’t mention anything to you so all you packed were some extra clothes, some food and water for you and Joel, if he would accept it that is and your knife too. Just in case.

A hour into the walk Joel still hadn’t said a word. You knew he would be closed off but this bad? Isn’t he supposed to be teaching you something already? Each step you took you were slowly losing yourself to boredom. The treck though wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be. Before Jackson you were used to walking for long periods of time so your body was used to the long walks, it was strange to see the new surroundings around you, it was peaceful, no sounds to be heard other than the trees, some birds and the sounds of yours and Joel’s bodies moving along.

You let out a huff louder than you anticipated causing Joel to slow down in his tracks and turn his body towards you. “What are you huffing and puffing about back there?” Joel groans as he turns his attention back to the trees in front of him, you role your eyes at his question. Is he being serious? Your frustration completely taking over. “Well we’ve been walking for a little while now and you haven’t spoke to me once. I know you said you didn’t want to know anything about me Joel but this is awful.” Your words have now stopped him in his tracks, you almost collide into he back with how abruptly he stopped.

“If we’re going to be working together we need to get on a little at least. I know you’re not happy with patrolling with me I could see it clear as day on your face when you first saw me, but I really want to do good here and I need you to be on the same page. So just stop being grumpy about the situation and suck it up!” Joel’s face is raised and lips are slightly parted, you cross your arms over your chest, trying to gain dominance considering that Joel was twice the size of you and his body is constantly towering over you.

“You need to understand who your talkin’ to here sunshine. We’re not going to get friendly with one another, I don’t give a shit about anything that you do and I don’t wanna hear about any of it. You think you can do this job? You think it’s easy? You have no idea what happens out here and I know the second somethin’ happens you’ll be scurrying back home like the little girl you are. I will teach you everything you need to learn n’ I need your full attention, no it’s and no buts. I haven’t spoke to you yet because we haven’t reached the destination yet, then I’ll talk to you more about the job. Now we’re wasting time here so move your ass.” Joel looks away again and continues walking with you trailing behind him. There’s no point in arguing, you know it’ll get you no where, so you shut your mouth and move along.

Joel Miller is going to be a handful.

Once you reach your mark, you and Joel sit down as he goes through the ins and outs of the job, the overnight stays you’ll have to do sometimes, the different locations you’ll be going, what you need to pack and the learning schedules he’s got planned for you, and the more he speaks about it the more excited you get. You start to feel hopeful that you’ll finally be doing something that has purpose, plus the fact that it’s Joel who will be teaching you everything is even better, one of the most experienced and skilled men in Jackson. Yeah he’s an ass but deep down you know he cares about your safety, that’s why he’s being so tough on you (that’s what you think the reason is anyway). Hopefully he can open up to you a little more once you both get used to being in each others company.

After a couple hours you both make your way down and back to Jackson. Joel only talks a little on the way back and it’s just about the job which you’re okay with, you’re just happy he’s talking to you on the walk back compared to the awkward walk up. Half way down you take a pit stop to eat and drink some of the stuff you packed, you offer Joel something which he surprisingly accepts. You both eat in silence until it’s time to walk the rest of the way back. As he promised, Tommy was waiting for you both at the entrance gate, checking his watch every now and then, waving at the both of you once you both come into view.

“Glad to see you’ve both come back in once piece.” Tommy’s attempt at a joke makes you smile and Joel to role his eyes and let out a huff. Tommy pats his brother on the back and thanks him for taking you out, you say your farewell to Joel and also thank him, he nods at both of you and walks away mentioning that he’s going to check and see how Ellie is getting on at home. What Joel says makes you smile, he may have a hard outer shell but deep down you know he’s somewhat soft to the people he cares about the most. Once Joel is out of sight Tommy takes your backpack off you and walks you back to his office to talk about how you got on. You wouldn’t mention the rocky start to the day you and Joel had, but express how eager you are and how you’re looking forward to what Joel will teach you out there.

🍃🍃🍃 3 Months Later 🍃🍃🍃

It’s been a couple of months since your first ever shift on parol with Joel and you couldn’t be more happier with how things were going. You were a quick learner and it hadn’t taken you long for Joel to teach you everything. The first lesson being the basic safety of the job, where to go if things got out of hand and how to contact Jackson if needed be, the weather precautions and how to deal with the cold when it got too much and just the overall basics of the job. Then the lessons got more interesting with Joel teaching you how to start a fire, how to catch prey, how to use your knife the correct way and even getting you to try and use his rifle. It didn’t surprise you that you were awful at firearms but Joel never made you feel bad about it as he knew you had to start somewhere.

As each shift went on you got the impression that Joel actually didn’t mind your company, that’s what you told yourself anyway. The grumpy, annoyed stares he would give you lessened and you would rarely see those looks appear on his face. He would sometimes actually talk about things that didn’t involve work when the job would leave you both having to take longer day shifts or sometimes staying a couple nights out, asking questions like what your life was life before Jackson, how you got here and why you didn’t enjoy your job at the pub. He never spoke about himself of course and you knew not to pry, but you’re definitely seeing his hard exterior opening up to you slightly.

This made it harder for you to control your feelings towards him as the small crush you had on him had developed into something much bigger, which you knew was going to happen with how much time you’ve been spending with him. Sometimes he’d catch you staring a little longer than you should be, or getting distracted by him when he would carry huge chunks of wood for the fire to keep you both warm or how he’d help carry your backpack if it got too heavy for you after your long walks. Joel was really looking after you and the longer you spent with him the harder it was to ignore the feelings digging there way inside of you. The thoughts hurt as you knew he’d never feel the same way about you.

It wasn’t like you weren’t experienced in the opposite sex, you’d had something with one guy but that was a long time ago and was definitely not the best experience you’d ever had. To put it simply, he was terrible in bed, more like a man’s pleasure before women’s kind of guy, so you’ve actually never known what receiving pleasure from someone would be like. Yeah you masturbate sometimes but who doesn’t? Even with being a rubbish shag, of course he ended up breaking your heart and left you questioning what you did wrong.

You often thought about what Joel would be like in bed, he was definitely someone who he knew what he was doing. You’d imagine what he’d be like with you. Would he be gentle or slightly rough? Would he talk you through it? He seems like someone who’d talk a lot during sex, someone who’d constantly remind you who you belonged to, the sinful words gliding off his tongue as he holds you close. You’d imagine what he’d look like under his clothes, his tanned, rough skin covered in scars from the different journeys he’s been though during the years, you’d imagine his body on top of you completely caging you under him while he fucks you, his arms around you telling you how good you feel wrapped around his cock, the constant praise he’d give you. The thoughts make your breath hitch and your skin hot to the touch, having to touch yourself each time you got home from patrol, knowing your pants were drenched with how turned on he’d make you feel, then falling asleep with an empty feeling in your gut that you’ll never get what you truly want from him.

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Joel wasn’t the most excited person to find out that Tommy had teamed you up with him on his new patrol schedule. Why the fuck did Tommy think it was a good idea for you to start patrolling? You had no idea how hard the job was going to be and were in well over your head. You wouldn’t last a week.

Joel knew he wasn’t the most liked person in Jackson and knew he didn’t help himself with the situation. Joel loved his alone time and didn’t like anyone invading his personal space. He loved how Ellie had settled into her new life and wish he could just do the same. However, Joel couldn’t get out of the past and found it hard even now to trust people, with Tess being gone he knew Ellie was enough for him. That’s until he got to know you.

Joel had told himself that his relationship with you would be strictly professional, he didn’t want to know anything about you other than what he needed to teach you while you both were on patrol together. He knew it was harsh to be like that with you but he wanted to show you how hard the job was going to be and prepare you for the world outside of Jackson. However the more he got to know you and what you were like, the more you got under his skin.

He started to enjoy your company. From the very start you showed him how determined, skilled, strong minded and witty you are, just like how Ellie was like with him when they got paired together. He knew how much you wanted to prove to him that you could do anything he threw at you, he liked how you listened to everything he had to say with the upmost admiration. He cringes at himself with how much he’s started to think about you outside of work.

Because you’re so young, fuck so young and so beautiful that he shouldn’t even be thinking about you in the way he does. When he sees you outside work you come across as being so innocent like, always so quiet and embarrassed when any guy comes up to you. What would your reaction be if he was one of those guys who asked you if he could buy you a drink? Would you be grossed out? Would you like it? He thinks about how you’d react if he slowly touch each and every part of you. He wanted to know how you sounded if he touched and kissed your neck and slowly down to your breast, his lips trailing down your stomach to your aching core. God he wanted to know what you tasted like, he knows it’ll be the sweetest taste known to man. The feeling of your tight walls around him as he thrust his cock inside of you, he’d know the second he feels it he’ll want to live in there for the rest of his life. The thoughts make his cock hard and push against his jeans, tightly closing his eyes and breathing heavily through his nose to stop the blood rushing down to his shaft.

He knew he shouldn’t be feeling this way towards you but fuck he hasn’t felt this way towards anyone in a long time. Yeah him and Tess had fucked a few times but that was just to ease the stress, to simply get his dick wet and to satisfy his needs, it was never anything romantic, from both ends. He wasn’t too sure on how to deal with these new feelings other than to push them down into his stomach and get on with it, knowing you’d never be interested in an older man like him.

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It’s a Wednesday night and you’ve got patrol with Joel early in the morning but here you are at the Tipsy Bison, sitting at the front of the bar slowly sipping on your drink in front of you, it’s nice to walk into the place without feeling anxious and negative about what the night would bring. The pub is pretty busy, full of people having a good time, the faint sound of the juke box playing in the corner. The sound of music is relaxing as you sway from side to side on your high chair enjoying whatever song is on. You take your time looking round at everyone in the pub, groups of people enjoying each others company, some people on the dance floor, swaying to the music as the song changes. Looking in the corner of the room you catch eyes with Joel, he’s looking straight at you.

You hold your stare on him. He’s sat clutching a whiskey in his right hand and his legs spread open wide as Tommy talks to him. The way he’s staring at you looks like he’s not paying any attention to anything that comes out of Tommys mouth. It’s intimidating but also it’s making your heart race and thighs clench tightly together, you can feel your wetness leaking out of you just from his stare. Surely he must know what he does to you? The look he’s giving you starts to get to you so you abruptly turn your head back to the front of the bar, closing your eyes tightly and chugging the rest of your drink down.

Just as your thoughts of Joel start to surround your brain, a man who you’ve never met before shuffles his chair so he’s sitting right next to you.

“Well good evenin’ gorgeous.” Slurring his words as he speaks. You know where this is going already and you’re definitely not in the mood, you just try and ignore him hoping that he’ll get the impression that you’re definitely not interested.

“Oh you’re breaking my heart gorgeous sat up ‘ere all alone. Lemme buy you a drink, wanna get to know you.” Is he being serious? You turn your head towards him.

“No thank you I’m happy up here on my own. I just want to enjoy my own company if y’don’t mind.” You turn your stare back to the the piles of different sorts of alcohol that are stacked behind the bar, reading the names of each individual bottle to calm the uneasiness you’re feeling from the man beside you.

“Oh come on! A beautiful girl like you shouldn’t be sat up ‘ere on her own. Let me get you a drink n’ if it’s goes well then I’ll walk you home and you can invite me in your home and I’ll show you a real good time.” He’s now slowly made his way behind you, towering his body over you, you can feel his breath on the side of your face as he moves his hands to the side of your thighs, the smell of stale liquor on his lips as he pinches you, making your body jump from the inappropriate act.

“I’ll make you feel really good beautiful.” He’s somehow even closer to you now, leaning down so his face is in your hair, he breaths through his nose inhaling your sent and you can feel his bulge on your lower back. Tears are starting to well in your eyes but yet you can’t seem to move away, completely frozen to the spot.

“Please leave me alone.” You voice is above a whisper, praying that the man has had enough of your constant rejection. However it seems to spur him on.

“And what are y’gonna to do about it? Now let’s get out of here.” His touch on your wrist is hard, making you wince at the contact, you pull his hands away from your body but his hold only gets stronger.

“GET OFF OF ME!” You’re shouting now and all he does is let out a dark chuckle, trying to close the gap between you. The next moment the man is thrown off of you with someone’s hand held tightly around his neck pressing his body up against the front of the bar.

It’s Joel.

“Now who the fuck do you think you are talking n touchin’ a girl like that?!”

Joel looks furious, you’ve never seen him this angry before, his hand tightens even more round the man’s neck as he inches closer towards him, the man’s face has gone a pale white and is desperately trying to pry Joel’s hand off with his own.

“Now get ya dirty, disgusting ass out of this pub now or I’ll fucking kill you right here, do you understand? If I ever see you looking at her again I’ll know exactly where to find you and it won’t be good f’you.”

Joel shoves the man to the floor before he can even say anything. The man quickly gets up and stumbles to the front door of the pub, not looking back at the scene that has just occurred just that very moment.

Tommys the first to approach you, enveloping you into a hug as your eyes become blurred from the tears that start running down your face.

“I’m so sorry that happened sweetheart, you alright? Elaine! Get her some water please!”

Tommy sits you back down while Elaine (the new bartender) grabs you some water, you slowly take a sip trying to calm your heartbeat down. The pub has now gone silent, everyone staring at the scene that has just unraveled in front of them. Did that really just happen?

“I’m fine Tommy I’ll be okay, he was just drunk.” Your shaky voice makes Tommy frown.

He lets out a huff, “still sweetheart that doesn’t give em’ the right to do that to you, drunk or not. Joel could ya’ take her home for me? I don’t want her walkin’ down the street on her own at this hour.”

Your teary eyes look up towards Joel and he’s looking straight at you just like he was before, only his expression is much softer. Everything in his willpower stopped him from punching that man full force, not wanting to make you feel worse than you already do. His one arm is down by his side and the other is reaching out for you, putting a gentle touch to your lower back, ushering you to move towards the front door and away from everyone else.

“Come on sweet, let’s get you home.” Joel’s voice instantly calming your racing heart. Once you start walking you push yourself up to Joel needing the comfort of his touch, noticing he slightly winces from your action but slowly softens back up as you walk side by side.

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Your house isn’t that far away from the pub which your thankful for. When you worked the weekends you’d usually walk home on your own in the early hours of the morning, always feeling on edge, anxiety filling your veins with the thought of someone following you home, you’re thankful Joel is walking you home this time. You and Joel are yet to say anything to each other however it’s not awkward, it’s nice being next to him. He’s always there for you if you need anything, he’s always there to make you feel safe, you desperately want to tell him everything you feel for him but with each step you take the closer and closer you get to your house.

Joel walks you up the steps until he’s stood at the top of your porch. He’s never been this close to your house, occasionally walking you home from time to time until he got to the end your street and then would walk the other direction. This was new to the both of you and the anticipation could be cut with a knife. You slowly turn yourself to him.

“Thanks for what you did back there, I should of said it before but I’m really appreciative of what you did f’me in there.” You look up towards Joel, he’s now shoved both hands into his jean pockets but his eyes are glued to your face. You can tell he feels slightly out of place, this was a situation he never thought he’d be in and now he’s here, not knowing what to do with himself.

“Y’don’t need to apologise to me sweetheart. That man’s behaviour back there was unacceptable, I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

The way he says sweetheart.

Each time they’d spill off his tongue your mind would go fuzzy. The first time, one accidentally slipped out his mouth on patrol one day and the next moment he’s constantly calling you them: Sweetheart, darling or love, you adored the way he made the words sound, filling your stomach with butterflies and your heart thumping in your throat.

“I just appreciate it so much, and not just tonight but how you’ve been helping me these past couple of months, I just want you to know that you’ve really helped me and I’m really thankful.”

Christ you make it so hard for Joel and you’re so oblivious to how you get to him. All he wants to do right now is kiss you and tell you how he’ll never let anyone lay a hand on you. Ever. He wants to protect you for the rest of his life, be there for you throughout everything you do. He just can’t get the demons out of his head that tell him he’d never deserve someone and loving as you.

He’s done so much bad shit in his life, things he regrets more than anything, how could you like someone like him?

“Well goodnight Joel, I’ll see you in the morning.” Your soft voice pulling him out of his thoughts, he’s somewhat disappointed with your words.

“Yeah, g’night sweetheart.” Joel waits for you to open the door and walk into the house. Nodding at him, you slowly turn your body away hiding the slight bit of sadness you’re feeling from the quick interaction and put your keys into the lock, this is when you remember…

Your locks jammed.

You’ve been meaning to mention it to Tommy, you hadn’t mastered the dodgy lock just yet and didn’t know the exact method of getting your keys in the right position to ease your door open and now you’re here, continuously trying to open the door with zero luck and the worst part is that Joel is watching the mess unravel.

You look back at him quickly, he’s holding the smallest smirk on his face as he just watches you struggle. “I’ve been meaning to get it fixed, it’s a little temperamental.”

Joel can’t watch you any longer, he walks right behind you, gently touching your back with the front of his body and replaces your hand with his so he can give it a go. It only takes him a couple of seconds to successfully open your door, smirking at his success.

“There you go darlin’.” He says to you. Hearing the southern drawl in his voice makes your legs feel weak. Joel hasn’t moved from his spot behind you just yet and you can feel the warmth his body gives out all over you. He towers over you and you admire his strong build. He’s looking directly down at you, your feet suddenly glued to floor stopping you from entering your doorway.

“Thank you Joel.” You whisper, looking up towards his face that has inched its way closer to yours somehow. Overcome with a burst of confidence you quickly grab the sides of his face and bring his lips down to yours.

You’ve dreamt of this moment for months, however it’s not how you imagine as the second you mould his lips into yours, Joel is giving nothing back.

Quickly pulling away you bring your face into your hands hiding you disappointment at his rejection. Joel is stood still, wide eyes as he looks at your frantic form.

“Fuck Joel, I’m so sorry why the fuck did I jus’ do that? I’m so embarrassed I shouldn’t have—“

Before you can finish your sentence Joel has grabbed you by the back of your neck and connected your lips once again. You’re now shocked at his reaction this time, but it only takes you a few seconds to process what happening until you’re completely melting into him once again.

You wrap your arms around his neck as you both delve into the desires you’ve both been holding back for one another.

The hand that’s holding your head, travels down until he’s wrapping both arms tightly round your lower back and lifting you off the floor. The action makes you gasp as Joel takes the opportunity to deepen the kiss and explore the insides of your mouth with his tongue, he can taste the sweetness from the alcohol you drank and it’s making his mind fuzzy, he knew you’d taste so good. The whimper that come out of the back of your throat makes him growl into your mouth, the bulge now evident in his jeans as the feeling of you so close to his body is lighting him on fire, he knows he’ll never get enough.

You knew Joel would be the dominant type, taking over the kiss as you both give into each other. His mouth fits into yours so perfectly as you completely give yourself to him, wanting him to touch you in between you legs where you ache the most.

You can feel his bulge under his jeans, desperately needing attention. He breaks this kiss quickly to move his head down towards your neck, given you his well needed attention there. He gently drops your feet back onto the ground as he leans his body over you completely enveloping you as he attacks your neck.

Your can’t control the pleading whimpers coming out of your mouth from the pleasure Joel is giving you just from his lips. You’re slightly bent backwards with how much Joel is caging you in as his moves one of his hands to your hips and then inching its way up to your chest, squeezing your breast and meeting your mouth again as you both moan in sync into each others mouths.

“Fuck Joel…“ you’re a complete mess underneath him and he can’t get enough, you need to feel him against you like it’s the last thing you’ll do. You lightly trail your hand down the front of his body and firmly press your palm into his erection, which is now fully hard underneath your palm. When Joel feels your hand against him he forces his body off of yours, leaving you panting and the need to have him inside of you right there.

“Joel wha—“ you’re about to ask him why he stopped but he cuts you off.

“I-I can’t. I fuck— I can’t I’m sorry I have to go.” Joel face is flushed, lips red from the assault of your lips on his. He’s quickly walking away from you desperately needing to get out of the situation he’s just put you both in.

You’re stood there completely embarrassed. He definitely regretted what just happened between you. Were you bad? Did he not like it? Tears fill your eyes as you slowly see him fade into the darkness. Once you come back to reality and realise what had just happened (or what didn’t happen) you make your way into your house and slowly close the door.

Once Joel gets back home he quickly makes himself a cold shower, hoping the water can rinse off the feeling of you that’s coursing through his veins and straight to his cock. He’s never been this hard in his life and the temptation to touch it is too much.

The shower does nothing to help with the way his body is feeling, only increasing the need of wanting to shove his entire length into your tight cunt until he can feel you cum around him, he’s desperate to feel how warm you are and how you’d moan his name over and over until you can’t take anymore. He’s in the shower for just a couple of minutes until he can no longer fight the urge and the second he turns the shower off and gets out his hand is enveloping his cock and he starts fucking himself with the thought of you in his head, the way you sounded, your taste, your small hand touching him over his jeans.

He’s forcefully gripping the end of this sink as his other hand works up and down his cock to reach his peak, precum leaking down his shaft and onto his hands as he groans your name over and over until his cumming, spurts of his release covering his hand, his head is thrown back as he continues to fuck his fist until the pleasure subsides and he’s slowly coming down from his high.

He quickly dries his body and changes into a fresh pair of boxers and gets into bed. Once his quilt is pulled up to his chest all he feels is shame and embarrassment. How is he going to get through patrol tomorrow when you we’re both wrapped round one another not even half an hour ago and that’s he’s masturbated to the thought of you? It keeps Joel up all night thinking about it.

How the hell is Joel going to get though tomorrow?

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You’re walking up to the front gates and you can slowly see Joel’s figure come into view. The lump in your throat is getting tighter with each step you take, not even thinking about looking up from the floor because you know the second you see his face you’ll burst into tears. How can you face him with what went on between the two of you? You’d be lying if you said you didn’t touch yourself between your aching legs right after, wishing it was Joel’s tongue licking up your throbbing heat, catching your arousal as he made you cum. How will you get through the day?

Once you’ve caught up to him you sense his discomfort in his stance. You both stand their awkwardly waiting for the other to talk and hopefully cut the uncomfortable feeling hovering in the air around you. Joel’s the first to break the mood.

“Todays gonna be a bit of a long one, we’re gonna start by walking up to the cabin and staying there for a few hours, there were signs of other people lurking round so we gotta make sure the place is safe.”

Of course he’d just pretend like nothing ever happened, it actually doesn’t surprise you. You’re still looking down at your feet, making imprints into the mud as Joel describes what you’re both going to be doing for the day. Your cheeks hold a slight pinkish hue still not gaining confidence to look up at this face just yet. You just nod at him, letting him know that even though you’re not giving eye contact you completely understand everything he said.

You both don’t wait for each other to say anything else as you start the long walk to the cabin. He wants to say something about what happened between the both of you last night, he’d do it all over again if he could but with him being the one to break it off he knows he’s ruined the relationship between the both of you, he knows he took himself too far last night and took advantage of you with the emotions you were feeling from what had happened at the bar. Jesus how could he be so stupid?

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Finally you both make it up to the cabin, desperately needing to take your boots off and rest your legs from the long trek that you’ve just walked. You’ve only visited the cabin a couple times and those times had been pleasant. It was surprisingly tidy: a couch in the centre of the room, a small coffee table in front of it, a fireplace, a small kitchen in the corner and a bathroom in the back, it was abandoned but was tidy for the most part. Your mind drifts off to those times when you and Joel would sit by the fire while eating the lunch you’d pack for the both of you and talk about anything and everything, the memories make you ache as you know things won’t be like they were before.

Joel drops his backpack by the door and slowly stretches his arms out beside him, he wasn’t the young man he was before the world went to shit anymore, achy bones and in desperate need to relax and put his feet up.

“M’gonna grab some wood and I’ll set the fire up, y’just relax I’ll be back in a minute.” Joel’s back outside before you can say anything leaving you on your own. You finally let out the breath you’d been holding in since you got to the cabin, moving your backpack next to Joel’s and dropping your body on the couch with a thump, leaning your head on the back of the couch and bringing your palms to your eyes, rubbing them in frustration. You need to talk to Joel about last night, you need to ask him why he pushed away.

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The wood cracking on the fire is the only sound going through the cabin. You’re sat on the carpet moving the logs round, prodding it every few seconds and Joel’s sat on the couch. The tension in the room could be cut with a knife, occasionally you take a few quick glances towards Joel, his eyes are glued to the light coming from the flames as the wood continues to burn, no expression written on his face.

“Are you gonna to talk to me at all today?” At this point you’ve got tired of the awkwardness, slowing trying to break the ice between the two of you.

“I could ask you the same thing.” His reply making you scoff. You’re now looking at each other, there’s no going back from where you know the conversation is going.

“Listen Joel. I know you regret what happened last night between the two of us but can we just forget it ever happened and go back to how things were, please? I’m hating this awkward tension between us.”

Your heartbeat is ringing in your ears watching every expression plastered on his face. Frantically his gets up from the sofa and walks behind it, bringing both hands to his face sighing in frustration. He’s definitely not used to having conversations like this.

“What makes y’think I regret it.”

Your eyes go wide at his confession, your lips are parted and your chest is rising as Joel’s eyes move down to your lips.

“I promised I’d never let myself get that far with you. Sweetheart I’ve done some awful shit in my life and I don’t deserve anything you’ve given me. I’m a bad person— but I can’t control the way you’ve made me feel. I’ve wanted t’have you like that for a long time and my desires got to the better of me. M’sorry darlin’.”

There’s a shift in the air, you slowly get up from the floor and make your way towards him, his head is hung low too ashamed to look at your face. Gently you bring your hands up to his chest where he instantly covers your hand with his, needing to feel your skin on his body, instantly relaxing from your touch.

“I don’t know what you’re apologising for Joel. I’ve wanted you like that since the first moment I saw you. I don’t give a fuck what you did before Jackson, that’s not who you are now so don’t start pushing me away. I want you too Joel. I always have.”

Those 4 words, “I want you Joel.” He didn’t expect them to effect him as much as they did. Joel’s heart is beating out of his chest, he’s wanted to hear those words for so long. The feeling of your soft skin against his callused hands is making it so hard for him to resist you. Your eyes are full of lust as you slowly press your front against him, hoping he doesn’t push you away.

“Please Joel I wan-“ but before you can finish, Joel’s connecting your lips once again. He brings both hands around the sides of your face and immediately deepens the kiss, making up for lost time. Both of your hands are now on his chest, clutching his shirt tightly as you pull him even closer to you, pulling his body over you frantically wanting to feel his heat over you.

Joel’s hands quickly move to your hips and down to your ass, he picks you up bringing both of your legs round his waist, you moan into his mouth at the sensation of his tongue overlapping yours, the feeling of it dancing with yours sends shockwaves down to your core. You pull on the ends of his hair causing him to growl against you lips as he moves you across the room, careful not to hit the table and gently lays your body on the blanket, right next to the warm fire.

He hovers above you, bringing his lips down to yours once again in a rough and needy kiss. You wrap both of your legs around his body, connecting your clothed core with the rough material of his jeans, already feeling him harden above you, his hardness reassuring you that he’s enjoying this as much as you are.

“Fuck sweetheart, I need to feel you, will you let me?” Joel breaks the kiss, your heavy breaths fanning into each others faces as Joel searches your expressions for any sort of reluctance. Your cheeks are glowing and all Joel sees is a look of want fill your eyes, lust coating every inch of your skin that Joel has touched with his hands, your body feels like it’s on fire. You bring both of your hands up to his face, stroking both of his cheeks.

“Please Joel, take me.”

Joel’s lips are back on yours instantly, scooping one arm under your neck while the other pulls at the buttons of your flannel. He frantically removes each button while still connecting your lips, hoping it’ll ease any nerves that you feel. Joel looks down to where his hand is, finishing the last few buttons until his pulling your flannel away from your skin revealing your bra.

A loud moan erupts in your throat at the touch of his rough hands on you, he starts off by trailing them against your skin, loving how soft it is against him. You slowly pull Joel away, pushing your body up so you can remove the material off of your shoulders, you keep your eyes locked on him, wanting to see every reaction he gives you. You notice Joel’s eyes go a deeper shade of brown and his pupils dilate, ready to explore the new untouched territory.

You reach over to Joel’s denim shirt doing the same for him. You’re not as quick with undoing each button, your shaky hands making it harder for you, instead Joel replaces your hands with his, desperately trying to remove the material off of himself, needing to feel your naked skin against his.

Once his shirt is off, his chest is finally revealed to you. The imagine instantly making your panties wet with arousal and your walls clench, biting down on your bottom lip to hold the whimper that’s trying to escape off your tongue. You bring both of your hands to his chest and lightly move your fingertips over the newly shown skin, Joel shudders at your touch. He’s so tanned and broad, his body completely engulfing yours, the small hairs that scatter his chest and then his small belly. He’s perfection.

Intimidated by your stare, Joel leans you back down onto the carpet and hovers his plush lips over your chest, kissing every single patch of skin, not wanting to leave any part untouched by his warm mouth. Your eyes are screwed shut, the feeling of his mouth so close to your breasts is making your breath hitch. Unintentionally you rise your back off the floor and pull at his hair with both hands, bringing his mouth closer to you, he brings his head up to look at you and reaches behind your back to unclasp your bra, he’s hesitant at first. You look down at him with a gentle nod and he unclasps it and chucks it above your head.

“Fuck darlin’ you’re so fucking pretty, prettiest thing I ever saw.” Both of his large hands come into contact with your round breasts, slowly caressing them and bringing his hot mouth down to gently lick over the sensitive skin.

His mouth feels fucking incredible against you. You’ve never felt pleasure like it, the knot in your stomach tightening with each second his mouth reconnects with your breasts, swirling his tongue round your nipple while his other hand squeezes the other, taking it in turns.

“F-uck Joel that feels so good I-“ you’re unable to form coherent sentences with the pleasure that he’s giving you. Once he’s happy with the attention he’s given your chest, his lips trail down your lower stomach as he fumbles with the buttons of your jeans, both of your hands are holding tightly to his bare shoulders as he pulls the tight jeans down your legs, not once pulling his lips away from the soft skin of your stomach. You’re now left in just your underwear, Joel puts both of his hands onto your knees and spreads your legs open for him, finally revealing your panties to him that are now completely soaked with your arousal.

“Y’have no idea how badly I want to taste you.” His confession makes the hairs on your body stand up, your hold tightening against him. This is something you’ve yet to experience and your anxiety is starting to creep its way up into your throat. You’ve imagined Joel in between you legs so many times and now that it’s happening you’re not sure on what to do.

“I want you to i-it’s just I’ve never had-“ Joel slides both hands up your body and moves a thin strand of hair behind your ear and slowly caresses your check, your head melting into his palm.

“Oh sweetheart, are you a virgin?”

You’re quick to answer. “No! Um n-no. I’m not but I’m not very experienced in this and I’ve only been with one other guy, I’m sorry, I should’a said.”

His face softens at your words, his thumb rubbing small circles on the side of your now rosey cheek. “Y’don’t have to be sorry love, if ya don’t mind me askin’ what did the guy do then?”

“He just removed my clothes, kissed me for a couple of minutes and put it in and that was it.”

Joel’s head hits your lower stomach, shaking his head from side to side. “What’a fucking idiot. Don’t worry sweetheart, everything m’gonna do to you will make y’feel real good. I’m plannin’ on havin’ you screaming my name so loud n’ at the end of the night you’re gonna be begging me to stop.” By Joel’s face you can tell he’s being serious, from patrolling with him you know he’s a very determined guy and the thought is making you clench both legs closer around his hips, he looks down smirking.

“Does my girl like that? She wants to be touched so badly doesn’t she? First m’gonna have you cummin’ round my mouth n’ then around my cock, does that sound good baby?”

Baby.

You’re completely melting at his words. He’s so vocal with you and every single word that’s coming out of his mouth sounds like heaven, the low, husky voice sending vibrations right down to your core, you want his mouth on you so badly, you’re desperate for him to show you what you’re missing out on.

“Yes please Joel, make me feel good.”

Joel moans at your words. “And so polite, what did I do to deserve you?” You blush even more at him, nodding at him to proceed with what he was doing. You gently lift your hips off the floor ushering him to remove your underwear.

You weren’t used to someone looking at you like this, showing your most intimate parts to someone, however Joel’s expressions only showed a man who was completely stunned that someone like you would trust him in such an intimate act. He felt like the luckiest man to see you like this. Once your underwear is off you notice the arousal coating the material, the sight of your glistening cunt has Joel clenching his eyes tightly shut, he needs to calm down, you’re new at this and doesn’t want to scare you away, the need to pull out his cock is indescribable.

“Fuck sweetheart you’re so beautiful, n’ so wet. This all f’me?” He gently brings a finger towards your aching core, moving your arousal so it coats his finger. The slight touch makes your walls clench in anticipation with what Joel might do next.

“All for you Joel, it’s always been for you.” Your chest is rising with each broken breath escaping your lips as you look down at his face. He moves his body so he’s now lying down with one arm curling around your thigh, holding your lower body down. His eyes are clouded with lust, ready to finally show you what you’re missing.

Without another word from either of you he delves into your cunt, starting off by licking long stripes straight up to your aching clit, swirling the muscle is small circles. You can’t control the whimpers and moans escaping your mouth as Joel sucks on your throbbing nub, moving his skilled tongue round your sensitive bundle of nerves.

Joel’s examining every crease and face you pull, wanting to find the spot that makes your toes curl and back arch. It doesn’t take him long to have you moaning his name as he delves into your pussy, the sound of his mouth on you is down right dirty, making more wetness pool at your entrance. Joel makes sure he doesn’t miss a single drop, catching the arousal so it coats his tongue while his nose notches your clit.

“F-fuck Joel just like that fuck please d-don’t stop.” Your one hand has a firm hold on his arm while he continues to hold your body down, your other has landed into his salt and pepper hair, you tug hard on the strands causing Joel to let out a sinful growl. Once he’s got you worked up, he teases your entrance with his finger gently pushing it inside you.

His one finger instantly increases the intensity of the upcoming orgasm you feel building in your stomach. He gently curls his digit upwards, hitting your g-spot like he’s done it before, easily bringing you closer to your peak. Your breaths coming out in short pants, the feeling already feeling fucking incredible.

“J-Joel I fuck-.” His lifts his head slightly, your grip on his arm is tight, he removes your hand quickly, intertwining your fingers together to coats you through the orgasm that your about to have, your walls hugging his finger so tight, he can’t wait to feel you cumming around his cock. You can see the slight shine on his lips and beard from your arousal, the sight making you moan his name.

“Mm that’s it sweetheart, let go you can do it f’me, cum on my mouth, wanna taste it.” Joels words are the push you need to tip you over the edge. Just as you reach your high, Joel inserts another finger into your heat and dips his head down, bringing his tongue back down to your pulsing clit, sucking it into his mouth, pushing you over the edge.

Your orgasm rips through you and it’s the most intense feeling you’ve ever experienced. Your back arches off the floor and your body spasms as the pulsing pleasure courses through your entire body. Loud moans echoing through the cabin and Joel is yet to take his mouth and fingers off you, wanting you to feel every spark for as long as he can make it last.

Joel has never seen anything more beautiful than you cumming all over his mouth and fingers, your walls clenching round his digits as your body rapidly chases your high. He knew your pussy would taste so good and now he’s had a taste he knows he’ll never go a day without it, the sweet nectar coating his tongue and fingers as you wriggle above him. The sounds escaping your mouth is like a symphony to him, your soft voice now imprinted on his brain for the rest of his life.

Once he notices that your coming down from your high he slows down his fingers and watches your reaction for any sign of discomfort, hoping not to overstimulate you as he’s no where near done with you. His cock is fully hard and uncomfortable in his bottoms, pushing up to the denim of his jeans begging to be realised, his boxers now soaked with his pre-come. He desperately wants to pull his cock out but he’s worried he’ll push you too far. He needs to go your pace, he wants to try and take his time with you.

When you open your eyes Joel is now above you, both hands are planted on the side of your head as he watches you come back down to reality. His mouth and chin are covered in your arousal as a sly smirk appears on his face.

“Y’alright baby?” He’s just given you the most powerful orgasm of your life and he’s asking if you’re alright?

“I’m more than alright Joel—that was…fuck that was incredible.” You’re still trying to catch your breath as you bring both of your hands up to Joel’s face. You never thought you’d see him like this, shirtless and panting above you. You look down towards his tight jeans, his cock is practically bulging out of the seams. The imagine makes you even wetter as you take both hands off his face and start frantically undoing his belt.

Before you can remove it his hand stops you abruptly, you can’t hide the slight shock that appears on your face.

“Y’sure sweet? I know I said we would it’s just if we go a head with this I don’ think I can hold back.” Joel so badly wants to pull his cock out and stuff you full of his thickness and you can see it plastered all over his face. His eyebrows are furrowed, sweat appearing on his forehead and lips slightly parted. He’s caressing your hand that hasn’t moved away from his belt.

“I’m sure Joel, please— wanna feel you.” Joel looks away from you for a moment, he needs to calm himself down. Your voice and light touch is gonna make him cum in his pants if he doesn’t take his body away from yours right now. Your words are all he needs as he gently pushes your hand away and undoes his belt and jean buttons himself. His hands are shaking from the built up pleasure coursing through his veins and as soon as his buttons are undone he’s pulling his jeans and boxers down in one go, pulling his aching cock out.

You accidentally let out a harsh gasp. You knew Joel would be huge, how the hell is it going to fit inside you? The nerves start creeping back into your stomach at the imagine in front of you. He’s long and thick, pre-come is dripping out from his red tip and landing on your lower tummy.

Joel’s arousal pools on your stomach and makes your mouth water, you take one finger and slide it through Joel’s slick and bring it up to your mouth, swirling the digit across your lips and tongue, closing your eyes and moaning as the salty flavour coats your tastebuds.

Joel watches as you taste him. Throwing his head back and gripping the end of his cock to stop the orgasm that he’s about to reach and he’s not even inside you yet.

“Fuck baby don’t do that, m’ gonna cum if you do that again, need to feel you cum before I do, wanna feel you cum around my cock.” He quickly removes his bottoms completely and hovers above you once again.

You pop your finger out of your mouth, you can’t help the small smirk that lands of your face, you look back down at his cock, the need to have him inside you taking over completely.

“I’m ready Joel. Please-“ he takes both of your hands into his and brings them above your head, holding them in place, he knows he’s going to be a lot to take. That’s one thing Joel hasn’t ever been insecure about, he knows he big and he wants to make sure you can take him properly and make it pleasurable for you.

He grabs ahold of himself and gently moves his tip through your folds and up to your clit, causing the both of you to gasp at the sensation. Yours and Joel’s eyes and watching the scene between your legs, your wetness coating his cock nicely, the light from the fire reflecting your arousal that’s all over his shaft, he can feel your walls clenching on his tip already as he nudges his cock into your warmth.

“S-stop teasing Joel please.” Joel loves the pleading, the begging, the soft whimpers escaping your lips as he teases you. Looking into your eyes, he tightens his grip on your hands and slowly pushes his tip inside you. You gasp underneath him as he lets out a loud groan. He continues to push further into your cunt, stopping slightly to let you get used to his length and girth.

There’s a slight sting you can’t lie. However it doesn’t take you long to want more and more of him inside you, the feeling of his cock stretching you open feels like heaven, pain mixed with pleasure as he slowly inserts himself into you. Joel lowers his body so he’s now fully on top of you but not close enough to squish you. He brings his warm lips back down to your chest, peppering your skin with kisses.

“F-fuck baby y-you gotta stop clenching round me, y’gonna make me cum.” He’s panting against your chest, bringing his lips to your ear as he moans your name over and over. You slowly breath in and out, trying to relax your walls to help him slide his entire cock inside you. Once you get your breathing back to normal, Joel takes the opportunity to completely stuff his cock inside you. You yelp in surprise, Joel catching your lips in a messy kiss, swallowing your moans.

“You feel so good round me sweetheart, squeezin’ me real good, you’re such a good girl. Y’tell me when you’re comfortable.” Joel’s voice sounded strained as he stays still buried inside you. All he wants to do is pull himself out fully and plunge back in, needing to feel your soft, velvety walls against his cock, but he needs to take his time, you already feel so good he has no idea how he’s going to last.

“Y-you can move Joel, please move.” Squeezing his hand above you, he nods as he slowly pulls himself out so only half of him is wedged inside you and back in again. Creating a slow pace, rocking his hips back and forth, the hairs above his cock slightly catching your clit, the friction adding to the intensity.

After a few thrust you feel your walls starting to accommodate his length, his cock sliding so seamlessly inside you from how much arousal your pussy’s creating.

“Fuck baby, can I go faster? Wanna-fuck need to f-fuck you harder.” Joel let’s go of both of your hands and brings his fingers down to grip your breast. Squeezing the skin as he brings his lips to the side of you neck, switching between kissing and sucking. You hope he leaves marks on your skin, a constant reminder to how incredible he’s making you feel.

All you can do is nod against him, your words failing you and he’s wasting no time and starts fucking you at a hard pace. You tightly grip his shoulders, holding on for dear life as he thrust faster against you, your eyes rolling to the back of your head, the pleasure making your whole body tingle.

You need to feel him deeper, you wrap both legs around his lower back slightly lifting you hips up, you can feel him even better than before and Joel let’s out a low groan from the slight change in position, your walls enveloping his cock even more. He brings one hand down to your lower stomach and lightly presses down, feeling the tip of his cock so far up inside you intensifying the feeling, your orgasm building up rapidly.

“Y’feel that? You’re takin’ me so well, such a good girl. No cock will ever fill you this good. Y’mine now sweetheart, let me hear you say it.”

Joel is desperate to hear you say those words, he wants to know that you crave him as much as he craves you. His movement starts to get sloppy as your cunt hugs him so tightly, your warmth wrapped around him is too much to bare. He feels his high rapidly creeping in his lower stomach and all over his body, he starts slowing his breathing down, sucking short pumps of air into his lungs to prolong the feeling. He can tell you’re close too, he can feel your walls tightening around him with each thrust.

“Fuck J-Joel m’yours, I always have been.” You meet his lips in a rushed kiss, feeling his warm mouth against yours, still tasting your arousal on his tongue.

“Need you to cum sweetheart, need to feel you, please cum for me, show me how good my cocks making you feel.” He reaches down between your bodies and rubs your aching clit with the tip of his finger in small figure eights. This is the last push you need as you start cumming round his cock, your wetness pooling at his base and coating the inside of your thighs, clenching onto his shoulders as the intense wave of pleasure is released. You moan his name over and over, your walls spasming around his thickness.

“Mmm good girl fuck y’squeezin me so tight that’s it, fuck y’gonna make me cum.” Joel’s eyes are squeezed tight, forehead pressed against yours as he pushes you through your high. Once he feels you calm down he quickly pulls himself out of you, tugging at this cock until white ropes of his release coat your tummy. His hand is in a tight fist beside your head as his orgasm courses through his entire body. He hasn’t had an orgasm this intense in a long time, he’ll never get enough of the feeling of you wrapped round his cock. The most incredible feeling and now he’s hooked.

He collapses back on top of you, but not too much that he’s suffocating you, desperately needing to catch his breath. You run both hands through his hair, twisting the damp curls in between your fingers, a satisfied hum escaping your lips.

He brings his lips to yours in a gentle kiss, your stomach filling with butterflies as he looks at you, both of your bodies covered in sweat.

“Y’alright sweetheart?” He pushes the hairs that have landed on you forehead back behind you ears, slowly swiping his thumb against your flushed cheek. There’s no where you’d rather be right now, never thinking this would ever happen and it’s better than you imagined.

“Mmm I’m okay Joel, you okay?” He smiles down at you, kissing your plump lips.

“More than okay baby, fuck you felt incredible.” You blush at his words. After a few minutes he pulls his body off of you and you’re instantly missing his body over yours. He removes himself from your body and grabs a towel from the back to clean you up. Once he’s done that he gently picks you up from the floor and brings you both to the sofa, engulfing your body as he grabs the thick blanket from over the sofa and drops it over your naked bodies.

You both lie there in silence for a little, the sound of Joel’s heartbeat against your ear relaxes you. Slowly, you bring your hand to rest against just chest. Joel lightly lifts your chin forcing you to look at his face, bringing your lips down in a quick kiss, his voice bringing you back down to earth.

“I meant what I said before darlin’, I haven’t felt this way for someone in a long time n’ I wanna see where this takes us, I wanna do this properly.”

Where has this soft Joel been all your life? You place both hands against his chest and give him a soft smile.

“I meant what I said before too Joel, I’ve always been yours, the second I saw you I’ve been yours. I just wish we did somethin’ sooner, we could have been doing this a long time ago.”

Joel chuckles against you, his chest vibrating against your cheek. You’ll never get over the sound of his laugh.

“Oh don’t worry baby, we’ll make up for lost time. I’ve got so much more to teach you.”

You smirk against him.

“I can’t wait.”

🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

Thank you so much for reading! I know it’s not perfect but I know I’ll get there! Let me know what you think! I’ll be posting some more stuff soon 🤍

#joel miller fanfiction #joel miller one shot #joel miller smut #joel miller x f!reader #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal one shot #pedro pascal smut #pedro pascal #joel miller x you #the last of us #the last of us smut #the last of us fanfiction #the last of us one shot #pedro pascal x reader #joel miller x reader #pedro pascal x female reader #joel miller x female reader

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somecunttookmyurl · 3 years

Note

If It is okay to ask, how to tell when a kid is adhd or just being a kid? Looking back I can see a few signs like constant daydreaming, restlesness fidgeting etc but that wasnt much different from the other kids. As a teenager it became more clear I think because most of girls my age were not behaving like tomboys anymore and the symptoms mentioned above did not go away plus i think I had/have rsd. But only now as an adult i feel like these things are actually getting on the way. I daydream a lot, the restfulness didn't go anywhere, rsd still anoying as fuck (i think this is related with being a people pleaser? I got that too) and i notice more and more this horrible thing you usually call executive dysfunction. I cant really get a diagnosis and while I relate to a lot of symptoms and posts adhd people share, I'm really scared Im just procrastinating and trying to use adhd as an excuse for not getting things done. And I feel really bad about that. So back to my original question, if the signs were there since childhood but did not trouble me until like 4 years ago, how can i tell If It was adhd or Just kid stuff?

i mean the fact it didn't go away is a pretty good tell, honestly.

redmore to save the dash

as an adhd kid you may, with other children

-had difficulty making/keeping friends or socialising and felt "weird" or "different"

-were not invited to parties, made excuses to not go, or acted inapproptiately when there (and were never invited back)

-easily gave in to peer pressure from a desire to "fit in"

-were probably called "gullible"

-found it difficult to "wait your turn" in any activity

-frequently picked last for games and team sports

-found it difficult to "share" things with others

-caused fights/arguments with siblings/other children over trivial things

-may have been called "spiteful" or "vindictive"

-not realised when you were "taking things too far" with joke or play

-tried to annoy people on purpose

_________________________________

as an ADHD child in school you may

-consistently not done school/homework until the last minute. not by choice, but because you could never seem to "just get started on it" until it was immediately pressing

-not known where to start with longer-term projects / never really "got" how to study or revise for exams. could not organise notes.

-made careless mistakes in schoolwork

-had report cards littered with "intelligent but could try harder" "needs to apply themselves" "has potential but lazy" etc

-parents/teachers said you had an "attitude" / you had a tendency to "talk back"

-often seemed to forget things you had already learned until you were reminded of them, or had difficultly linking knowledge together

-doodled a lot in class, and found doing so made it easier to listen

-easily distracted by external stimuli ie things happening outside the classroom window, or a conversation in the next room

________________________________

as an ADHD child at home you may

-had trouble getting up in the mornings (your parents had trouble dragging you up, and you felt groggy/sleepy "just 5 more minutes")

-had issues going to bed. did not seem "tired" at bedtime. stayed up late reading frequently. refused to get ready for bed.

-always been rushed to get ready for things

-being forgetful or "a ditz"

-being called "lazy"

-forgetful with daily activities such as brushing your teeth and would need to be reminded

-found it hard if not impossible to keep your room clean and organised. not "knowing where to start" with it

-walking past things without seeing them. eg my parents would leave my laundry on the stairs to take up and then berate me because "you've walked past it six times today". not really seeing mess in general bc it became "background noise"

-not following through on instructions/not finishing what you were asked to do. like doing half of the dishes

-you were over-sensitive to criticism

-would often lie to get out of obligations, maybe even compulsively (ie you couldn't help it)

-you answer to "why did you do/say x" or "why didnt you do x" was frequently "i don't know" and you genuinely didn't know

-liked to do things the same way every time and got upset if the structure or plan changed

-would become frustrated if your demands were not immediately met. could not "wait until later"

-somebody would ask you to do something and you wouldn't do it for several hours, without realising it had been that long

_________________________________________

as an ADHD child in your leisure time / emotionans you may

-people saying "are you even listening to me?" a lot

-talking excessively, being "a chatterbox"

-despite being a "chatterbox" around familiar people, you were very shy/withdrawn around others. your two modes are "verbal diarrhea" and "mute"

-answering questions before the person even finished asking, interrupting others a lot

-you had a lot of interests but didn't keep up with any of them for very long

-were "emotional" or "overdramatic" ie crying or getting angry easily

-identified as a "perfectionist" and would either hyperfocus on unimportant details, or gave up on new pursuits you were not "immediately good" at

-people said you have a "selective memory" because you can eg name all 151 pokemon in order but not remember to pick up milk on the way home

-your moods seemed to change quickly and drastically

-had difficulty "behaving yourself" in public ie when out shopping

-broke/smashed things when angry

-got injured by doing reckless/stupid things

-complained of "being bored" often

-watched TV or played video games excessively and could lose hours at a time without noticing

#all of this obv in addition to the general #daydreaming/fidgeting/inabiliy to sit still/excess physical energy #you can look up child ADHD rating scales #that would have been completed by a parent or teacher #and look back and score yourself

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spideyspeaches · 3 years

Text

We always have been ↬ fem!p.p

A/N: AHHH I love genderbent Peter skjkjhjka and I’ve only seen @justme--emily write for her so far so I wrote one of my own 😤

Summary: It was not every day you crash into your ex boyfriend in a Stark Gala, was it? Your ex boyfriend you dumped right after your senior prom? It was probably her Parker luck striking, never a good sign, she learned that from experience.

Warning: um cursing lol.

Pairing: female!Peter Parker x Harry Osborn

WC: 2k

When Mister Stark had asked her to attend one of those glorious charity galas, Penny had been elated, internally (and externally) jumping at the thought of wearing fancy gowns and walking past pretentious rich bureaucrats and business people.

She was practically lost in paradise when Miss Potts had accompanied her to shop for her dress, a beautiful blue and red full length gown, hugging her in her curves with a chinese collar neck and embroidered bust (very on brand of her).

“Is your dress comfortable? Oh god I think I should have altered it myself, it’s not too tight right?” May fretted, fixing her hairdo and last minute make up she learnt from makeup hacks videos. Groaning, Penny nudged May by her shoulders, sitting her down on her twin bed, holding her aunt’s cheeks.

“May, the dress is comfortable! Miss Potts made sure that it was altered to my size okay? Now calm down, it’s just one night.” She smiled, folding her hands under her chest. Her dress was truly comfortable, and she looked undeniably good, she checked (she was a nerd, yes, but she wasn’t blind. Especially now that she had 20/20 long vision due to her spider powers.)

“You know how I feel about you going to fancy parties, baby.” May sighed, making her wince, “the last time you went to prom ended in a disaster. Both of them”

“I know May, but on the bright side, it gained me an actual paid internship. And Mister Stark and Miss Potts are going to be present the whole time!” She reassured, squeezing her aunt’s shoulders. In all honesty, she understood her anxiety, shuddering as she remembered her prom fighting Liz’s dad, and then breaking up with Harry, “besides, I have my spidery powers remember? I’m a big girl May, I can take care of myself.”

“I know you can sweetheart, god look at you all grown up, Ben would be so proud of how much you’ve grown, my little woman.” May sniffed, getting up to caress her head. She shook her head at her aunt’s emotional state, smiling as she bowed her head at the nickname. It was something Ben used to call her- little woman.

“Ben would be proud of you too May.” Penny said, willing her eyes to not water at the sudden rush of sentiment she felt at the mention of her deceased uncle.

“Now, shoo before I change my mind and keep you all to myself!” May laughed, fixing the non existent crease near her shoulders.

“Okay okay! I’m going May, jeez it’s like you and Mister Stark are holding a shared custody of me.” Penny snickered, scrambling to wear her uncomfortable heels, the ones that matched her dress.

“Maybe I am, but I get to be the primary guardian!”

Laughing, she gave her aunt a kiss to her cheek, doing a preliminary check of her cell phone and emergency bracelet, blowing her a kiss before walking into the car that was standing outside their apartment.

The car ride was silent, her stomach bubbling with nervousness and excitement. She was practically vibrating in her seat, glad that Tony had sent another driver instead of Happy- he would have teased her incessantly for being so nervous. She had grown close to Happy, the man growing fond of her as well, but he could be an embarrassing dad at times.

The gala was everything she had imagined, brightly lit in an overpriced hall, adorning overpriced decorations with people in overpriced clothes.

“Hey Mister Stark! Thank you so much for inviting me!” She grinned, skipping towards her fath- mentor.

“Hey Pen, wow don’t you look beautiful. A little too beautiful, beware of those good for nothing boys you hear me?” Tony smiled, hugging her, a protective hand on her shoulder.

“Oh don’t mind Tony, hun, he’s only joking.” Pepper said, giving her a kiss on her cheek and doing a once over, just like May had.

“I’m serious Pep, if those boys even tried anything, you call me okay? I’ll take care of them.”

“Mister Stark, you can’t just threaten teenagers.” Penny giggled, looking at Pepper with a smirk.

“Barely a teenager kiddo, why did you grow up so fast?” He smiled, a fond look in his eyes.

“I’m nineteen Mister Stark, I think I can take care of those boys themselves.”

“Hell yeah you can, that’s my girl.”

Easy for her to say, because not long after that, Mister Stark and Pepper had abandoned her to talk to some prominent dealer about some… deals concerning Stark Industries, she didn't ask.

By the end of an hour, she was already bouncing on her heels, bored out of her mind. Even the Avengers could entertain her only so much, going back to their important work. And

Penny was an awkward girl, always finding herself in situations she was unwilling to participate in, so socialising was out of question.

She remembered the one time she had accidentally spilled coffee all over Mister Stark’s touch sensitive keyboard, stuttering the whole time. He hadn’t even been mad, reassuring her that he had done that enough times before, hence the liquid resistant keypads.

And then there was that one time the school nurse had called Tony when she was experiencing period induced fever. That was embarrassing, if not a little heartwarming to know that he cared about her enough to confront Pepper about menstrual problems. She was his daughter in everything but blood, he reminded her that every day, though not verbally.

There was also this one time she had been caught kissing MJ, but none of those were going to top what she was facing right now.

Literally.

“Penny! Penny Parker?” Harry’s chirpy voice rang in her ears, his footsteps sounding increasingly closer as she tried to hide her face behind her (non alcoholic) drink, frantically walking towards the vague figure of Mister Stark as fast as she could with her overly expensive stilettos.

It was not every day you crash into your ex boyfriend in a Stark Gala, was it? Your ex boyfriend you dumped right after your senior prom? It was probably her Parker luck striking, never a good sign, she learned that from experience.

Finally standing near Mister Stark, she tried to stand next to him, ignoring the weird look he was giving her. Penny was petite, always has been small for her age, so she was glad Mister Stark could cover her with his side. Apparently he got her cue, as he shifted slightly to hide her from whomever’s view.

“What’s wrong Pen? Some pesky boy chasing you? Accidentally met your ex?” He joked, giving the old businessman in front of him a handshake and smirking at her with amusement.

“Something like that.” She shrugged casually, snickering at Tony’s wide eyes.

“Penny! Hey it’s me, Harry.” He said, nearly standing behind her. He was either incredibly stupid or incredibly brave, weaving his way through the crowd to stand right in front of her. He probably hadn’t noticed her clinging to Tony, which is why he came forward, a big goofy grin playing on his handsome face, sending her heart into a frenzy, his blue eyes shining under the gleaming lights.

“Uh, h-hey Harry.” She grimaced, elongating his name with a chuckle. Shuffling forward, she ignored Tony’s raised eyebrows, opening her mouth to speak, but all she could look at was Harry Fucking Osborn standing in front of her, “Um, small world?”

Her words sounded distant to her, heart heart a lump in her throat. She felt underprepared for these situations. Sure, they had broken off on a semi- good note, but it didn’t make whatever this was any less awkward.

“Small world indeed.” He said, much softer than before, a solemn expression taking over his face, “It’s not every day you get to meet Penelope Parker in a Stark Gala. Heard of your internship by the way, I knew you were smart enough to get it.”

“Oh, thanks about that. I guess you’re an unwilling guest here? Haven’t seen Mr. Osborn around.” She smiled shyly, shuffling on her feet.

“Yeah, kind of, I mean you know how he is.” He shrugged.

“How long have you two known each other?” Tony interrupts the two, watching in amusement as both his pseudo daughter and Norman’s son blush under his gaze, as if just noticing his presence.

“Uhm, Hi Mister Stark! B-big fan, hi oh my god Penny I’m standing in front of Tony Stark.” Harry stuttered, shaking Tony’s hand for a little too long.

Staring at him with confusion, he shook Harry's hand back, silently asking Penny the lingering question.

“He’s a bit of a fanboy.” She answered.

Harry was still looking at Stark with his wonderstruck expression.

“Well it’s always good to meet my fans, but you didn't answer my question, kid. How do you two know each other?” Tony said, smiling as politely as he could while his hand was still stuck in Harry’s grip.

Realising that, he instantly let go, standing awkwardly as him and Penny said at the same time-

“I’m her ex boyfriend-”

“He’s my best friend.”

His eyes widen, realising what he had just said.

“You guys dated? And when were you going to tell me about that Pen?” Tony asked, baffled at the thought of Penny dating a guy, and Osborn’s son of all people.

“Well, you see, I was going to tell you soon, but then we broke up. You know? We haven’t talked since.” Penny said, the last sentence directed towards Harry. She was looking at him now, gritting her teeth.

“Well did you expect me to call you after you dumped me? During prom nonetheless? I was ashamed, Pen, I couldn’t do it.” Harry said, looking apologetic. It made her heart clench, inherent guilt building up in her tummy. It was her fault, technically.

“Yeah but, Harry you were my best friend before my boyfriend, and I missed you okay? You could’ve at least called.” She defended. Tony was good at reading the room, so sensing a banter building, he quietly left the area, not wanting to witness the misunderstanding.

“I really missed you too Penny, I- I didn’t think I was good enough for you, gosh I really fucking love you.” He said, immediately stiffening.

Even back when they were dating, they had never said the L word to each other, not even when they were best friends, and now? Well he had just made the air more thicker than before.

“You- you what?” She asked, voice small as her heart jumped. She moved closer to him, holding her hands out, reaching to touch his shoulders. Her hands set on his silky tuxedo, she stroked her hands in a slow motion, dropping them immediately when she realised she was touching him.

“I really fucking love you Penny, even if you don’t want to get together, can we still be friends? Go back to our movie nights and lego sessions?” He asked, furrowing his brows as if to keep himself from crying.

No words left her mouth, her breath hitched when he moved forward, chest stuttering. With a sudden confidence she didn’t know she had, she leapt forward, capturing his lips in hers. Their lips moved with a sync, his familiar ocean scented deo invading her nostrils, his soft skin against her. The world around her melded in a technicolour blob, the only thing she could focus was his heartbeat echoing in her ears.

“I really fucking love you too by the way.” She said, pulling away from the kiss. She vaguely spotted Miss Potts in her periphery, shaking her head with a smile as she held back Mister Stark.

“So, are we friends then?”

“Harry?”

“Yeah?”

“We are more than friends, you dumbass. We always have been.”

I’m a thirsty bitch, pwease give me feedback? 🥺🥺

#peter parker x harry osborn #harry osborn x peter parker x reader #harry osborn #female peter parker #female peter parker x harry osborn #peter parker fanfiction #peter parker fluff #peter parker smut #tony stark #spiderman #spider woman #spideygirl writes

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ive-tumbled-down-a-rabbit-hole · 3 years

Text

Heather

A one shot based on Conan Gray's Heather song.

First attempt at writing since an early teenager so apologies if it's a little disjointed. And thank you @boldlyanxious for your encouragement to take the plunge and actually get this idea out my head!

Also to @zambie-trashart @loveswifi for being amazing and connecting people ❤️

Masterlist

..................................................................................

Damian and Jon were a dynamic duo. Best friends. Super sons since they were “forced together” Damian taking the lead with Jon following shortly behind. Damian’s brothers liked to tease him, that Jon was like a puppy dog, with his “adoring eyes” only for Damian. ‘Tt’ thought Damian. Jon was his acquaintance and team mate of course he would follow him. They were a Super Son duo team; it was them against the world.

Jon and Damian were in the training room when Batman and Wonder Woman wandered with an unknown person.

“Robin, Superboy, this is Ladybug, Wonder Woman’s apprentice.” Batman said when Damian and Jon had paused from training. “She will be joining you on your next recon mission. She has just rejoined the world from being in Themyscira for a while. Working with you two will help her readjust to working with the Justice League.”

Jon, rushing up to the newly introduced Ladybug “Hi there, I’m Superboy! WOw you’ve been to Themyscira? What is it like?? Do you have super powers! We have a briefing on the mission in an hour, have you been shown around the base yet?”

Damian turned to Batman and hissed “Can we trust her? We don’t know her at all. She will be a liability” not impressed by the surprise new element and glaring at her when he got the chance.

“Robin” growled Batman, “She can be trusted, you will work with her nicely”.

Wonder Woman observed the situation with mirth while Ladybug just looked overwhelmed with the conflicting energy pulsing between everyone.

Diana’s apprentice, “Ladybug” was a similar age to them and after that initial mission she ended up joining them on other missions.

Damian wasn’t happy with this initially, but he slowly started to warm to her. Ladybug held secret identities in high regard and never tried to “uncover” his or Jon’s, she took missions seriously, far more than Jon, and was apt at strategizing and working with the bare minimum. She didn’t demand their attention, monopolise Jon or try to be best friends with them. She needed work on her fighting technique outside the suit and had trust issues too, but eventually she grew on Damian. It helped she listened to his critique and responded accordingly as well as took any opportunity to train especially with him and Jon. Compared to others Damian and Jon could have been paired with, she was adequate.

Jon welcomed her too quickly from Damian’s point of view, but he followed Damian’s lead for the most part when socialising with her, though always friendly didn’t reveal too many secrets unintentionally. On the positive, Jon had ‘finally learnt’ some etiquette with others. Jon didn’t drape his arm over her shoulder or continually try to initiate his tactile friendship with her like he had with him. Damian would rather not scare Ladybug off with Jon’s annoying need to hang off people. After the last mission when paired with a Green Lantern, he’d rather work with her than be paired with someone else, she was tolerable at least.

….....................................................................

Damian had been noticing a shift occurring in his best friend over the last year or so. At first, he was finally learning how to tone down his tactility with their friendship. Damian was pleased with the result as Jon was finally growing up, though he did miss the warmth of Jon’s arm over him occasionally or the enthusiastic hugs when they met up, especially when it was just the pair of them. He would never admit it out loud, but the hugs were something he never thought he would miss. He missed Jon lean his head on his shoulder when they watched films together. The sleepovers had subtly reduced too. That Damian really did miss. At least Jon’s social etiquette had improved though.

Well, that was Damians originally though, more recently he had noticed Jon was slowly losing his newly gained etiquette with Ladybug. His tactility was starting to return around her, and it was very unbecoming. Damian had sworn Jon had finally been trained out of that, what was worse though, was Ladybug started to respond in subtle tactility too. Not as extreme as Jon’s and was, a hand on his shoulder, a 'la bise’ when greeting, all within socially acceptable etiquette, but it should be frowned on. They were professionals. She was encouraging Jon’s behaviour to return. Damian did note that it seemed only with her though, he couldn’t make that out. Part of him wanted it to return with him too or only him maybe.

….........................................................................

Damian was sulking down in the Batcave when his “idiotic” brothers found him.

Upon seeing Damian growling at the computer searching through a case “What’s up little D? I thought you usually patrol with Jon tonight” echod around the cave. Damian glared at Dick “He cancelled. Jon said he is training Ladybug this evening”.

Jason whistled “So he finally got over his crush on you and moved on to Ladybug huh!”

Tim replied “Kon says he doesn’t shut up about her at home.” putting on a ‘high pitched voice Tim continued “‘Oh, what blue eyes she has’ ‘Oh, how strong she is’ ‘how pretty her smile is’”

Damian turned his glare to his other brothers. “Tt, Drake stop with that infuriating voice. Todd, Jon does not have a crush on me! That is ridiculous! He is training with Ladybug to improve her fighting skills and strength. She is overly cautious when in her suit with those without super strength therefore Jon is the perfect candidate. And Drake you are being ridiculous. If Jon and I mean IF he likes her it should be for her hero professionalism not for her looks! Tt'' rolling his eyes at the absurdity of the situation.

“Oh please! Jon has been flirting with you for years and not got anywhere. Ladybug turns up and responds to his flirting of course he’ll move on and want to spend time with her. He is using the training as an excuse to be close with her ALONE. If he really wanted to train, he’d have invited you too for feedback.” Jason snarked back.

That got Damian to pause for a second, though still scowling at his siblings. ‘Why hadn’t he invited him along to help train. He was always up for training and was happy that Ladybug had started to get Jon to consider training more seriously… wait, what if Todd was right and that wasn’t what Jon was after…. And Jon flirting with him... when did he do that???’

“Please tell me, you knew Jon was flirting with you right! That you were ignoring his advances due to being uninterested and didn’t want to hurt his feelings more than you were. Don’t say that you are pulling a Bruce and being dense on the emotion spectrum” supplied Tim.

“Jon has never flirted with me Todd! Drake! He is my best friend that is all and being a good partner to Ladybug” spat out Damian and looked as if he would reach for his katana any moment now.

Dick taking pity on Damian, stepped in before any maiming occurred and the conversation got any more heated. “Little D, you do realise that there are other methods of flirting other than the ones we typically witness at Gala’s where people ‘thrusting’ themselves on to us. That there are different languages of love? Jon’s most obvious ones are spending time, touch… I’d agree with Jay and Timmy. Jon did have a crush on you with him following you around all the time, even at his own inconvenience. His constant touch and being near you. The puppy dog eyes which he only gave you. You must have noticed this. And this had started to decrease before Ladybug’s arrival. I’m betting he got fed up with waiting for you to notice him and started noticing others. Ladybug has just kick jumped his next crush, and I’m guessing, and I do mean I’m guessing, but based on the facts and observations she returns his feelings.” Dick then turned and grabbed Tim and Jason and started drag them to change for patrol, “We’ll leave you to process”, frowning at Tim and putting a hand over Jason’s mouth when they looked like they wanted to say something more.

Post patrol Damian went to do research in his room on his ‘secret laptop’, he did not trust Tim not to try and hack into his known tech. Damian looked up “flirting techniques”, language of “love”, then “how to tell if someone is flirting with you” “how to tell if you like or love someone” and “how to interpret your own feelings”. Dread built in his stomach.

When Damian did fall asleep it was not fitful slumber at all.

I still remember the third of December, me in your sweater

You said it looked better on me than it did you

Only if you knew how much I liked you

But I watch your eyes as she

Walks by

What a sight for sore eyes

Brighter than the blue sky

She's got you mesmerised while I die

It was at the Justice Leagues winter party; Jon was wrestling Damian into an old Christmas jumper of his. “There! See. It looks fab on you. Actually Dames, I’m pretty sure you wear it better than I did'' Jon stated with a cheeky grin. Damian “Tt, the jumper is hideous” fighting a subtle blush by looking away with Jon being so close. “C’mon Dames. It’s Christmas. The jumpers aren’t meant to be ‘tasteful’ and whatever. It's meant to be....” Jon tailed off. Damian looked back at Jon to follow his line of sight. Ladybug had entered the room with Diana. Damian finally got what his brothers meant with “puppy dog eyes” Jon’s whole face softened as he smiled and waved her over. Damian’s stomach clenched.

Why would you ever kiss me?

I'm not even half as pretty

You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester

But you like her better

Wish I were Heather

Jon greeted Ladybug with a kiss on her cheek, “M you made it! But where’s your jumper?!”. Ladybug replied with a smile “I said I would be here Jon.” then uncharacteristically nervously stated “I wasn’t sure about the jumpers though. It was so open ended” before going into a ranting “Did you mean thick ones, or thin ones, sparkley, tasteful, ugly! Urgh! AND you didn’t respond to my messages to help!”

Damian felt the girl was a whiplash of emotions at times. Jon laughed kindly while semi leaning on Damian though put his hand on Ladybug’s shoulder “Calm down M, here take mine. I brought lots with me as I knew Dames would potentially kick up a fuss. His is the fifth one he tried on”

Jon took his jumper off and handed it to Ladybug. As soon as she had it on Jon fussed over her “We need to have you looking perfect! You pull this jumper off amazingly” causing Ladybug to sport a faint blush.

Damian felt sick. It hit him. Jon liked Ladybug. Jon knew Ladybug’s identity. Jon had liked him, but he only was realising now that he liked him back, but it was too late. Jon was moving on. And Damian couldn’t even blame him. Ladybug was objectively pretty, but she was more. She was a good hero, not just a vigilante but a hero. He’d seen her on missions, and she cared about others, civilians, her team and even criminals and villains she took done with force but strange care. It made sense that Jon would move on with her.

Watch as she stands with her, holding your hand

Put your arm 'round her shoulder, now I'm getting colder

But how could I hate her, she's such an angel

But then again, kinda wish she were dead as she

Walks by

What a sight for sore eyes

Brighter than the blue sky

She's got you mesmerised while I die

From there Damian witnessed Ladybug holding Jon’s hand as he dragged her around introducing her to other members of the league she’d yet to meet. Jon draping his arm over her shoulder, while they held conversations. ‘Just like he used to do with me’ Damian’s brain supplied.

“Hey Brat, how you holding up? You’re looking pretty glum here without Jon and the others keeping you company” Tim surprisingly snuck up on Damian. “Tt, I’m fine Drake. Jon is introducing Ladybug to everyone and ensuring her first party isn’t unpleasant.”

“That doesn’t explain why you aren’t there with them”

Damian looked at Drake with narrow eyes trying to figure out what he was digging for.

“Look Damian. I’m probably not the best here”

“Tt, I’d agree to that” snapped Damian rolling his eyes

“Oi Brat! I meant comfort, support and what not. That’s Dick’s department really” Tim sighed “Damian! Look I’m offering a listening ear, as unfortunately for the pair of us you are my brother, and you look like you need to talk to someone.”

Damian looked at Drake for a moment and contemplated what he wanted to do, other than grab his katana and maim someone. Preferably Drake or... maybe Ladybug, which was a surprising thought.

“I want to hate her, but I can’t as she is a literal angel, and she makes Jon happy.” Damian quietly disclosed to Tim before wandering off to avoid the bombardment of questions that potentially could follow. ‘At least Drake is better than Grayson or Todd to admit that too, his form of torment is less overt’.

Why would you ever kiss me?

I'm not even half as pretty

You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester

But you like her better

I wish I were Heather

Oh, I wish I were Heather

Oh, oh, wish I were Heather

Damian now wasn’t sure whether wondering off from Drake was a good idea after all. He had sneaked out of the main hall where the party was to try and find somewhere quiet to untangle his increasingly chaotic thoughts. Unluckily for him though, he’d stumbled upon Jon showing Ladybug the stars from the gallery room. Before Damian could react by letting them know of his existence or get away, Damain witnessed something he really wished he could unsee. Jon gently lifted Ladybug’s chin and slowly kissed her. He had given her every chance to move away if she had wanted too but she hadn’t.

The nausea and pain returned by the time Damian slipped away from them.

Jon liked Ladybug; Ladybug liked Jon. They were kissing.

‘I wish it was me instead’ ‘I like Jon’ ‘Jon likes Ladybug’ ‘I missed my chance’ whizzed around Damians head.

Damian thoughts spiralled from there. He reviewed his interactions with Jon. He could bash his head against the wall with his obliviousness. Damian took a deep breath and schooled his icy façade back into place. He re-joined the party like he hadn’t witnessed Jon kissing Ladybug and his heart was finally admitting to hurting.

When Jon joined him later, Damian kept his hurt locked up with Jon bounced with happiness in front of him.

“I asked M, I mean Ladybug to be my girlfriend. I was so worried she’d reject me, but she didn’t! She said Yes Dames! M said yes. To me Dames, she actually likes me! Oh gods I didn’t imagine it did I”

Pushing down the hurt, Damian replied “Tt, tonight is real Jon, and she would be an idiot to reject you” ‘like me’ left unspoken.

Why would you ever kiss me?

I'm not even half as pretty

You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester

But you like her better

Wish I were

#maribat #maribat au #marijon #marinette x jon #jon x marinette

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donaidk · 3 years

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After this week I'm so tired my own thoughts don't make sense to me at the moment, but I wanna recap the whole experience for anyone who can learn something from this. I like sharing life moments of mine, hoping that others in same situations might see more into how someone else felt while going through the same things.

My main message? Let your kids try out sports until they find THE ONE and also make sure you at least try out working with people (kids in this instance, but probably all age groups). Gonna put the long post after the keep reading line :)

I have never been a people's person. I have social anxiety, I'm always worrying about what others think about me and just in general connecting with strangers for me is a huge weak point. I'm just generally not experienced enough with socialising and anxiety will never help me getting better at it. This is exactly why I thought I would never ever take on a job that involves dealing with people and maybe even caring for them in any way. Seeing that a huge part of my family (even from older times) had been teachers, I always felt a bit out of the picture with how I just couldn't imagine going the same route, choosing IT and dealing with technology rather.

I got this job, as a total surprise, 3 years ago. I'm working for someone who I now consider a close friend of mine and has been my trainer - and I would like to say mentor - back in the day for 3 years and then when I gave up on the sport for a few years, she was there and brought me back into it again. I could thank her for a lot since we got to know each other. Firstly for making me realize that giving up something to trauma will not solve my problems and that I have to take those situations head on instead. Secondly for giving me a place where I feel like home outside of my real home and family cricle and where I can fully be myself no matter what. She was the first one who trusted my idiotic 18 years old self, who had issues at all aspects of her life. She saw something in me that no one ever before that point in time highlighted or even recognised in my opinion.

She trusted me with the kids coming for trainings - of course with supervision first - and never doubted me even if I needed time to get into the groove of it. I found such a stability to my life there, a place where I could go whenever I needed an ear to listen or just had thoughts to air out. Having the horses there as well helped a lot, as I always got a better connection with animals then people. They always calmed my mind in record time, as during horse riding and just caring for them I finally had something to concentrate on other then myself, my future, the health of my family or school.

And the kids. Oh my world the kids. In the last 3 years I gained so much from just being with them for those 30 minutes each, talking and training them as well. We're a chill place, no major tournaments and no competitions are in our heads to get ready for. They have such golden hearts, I can not express it in words. They are people who haven't been stained by society yet, though it's slowly getting worse and worse as they're growing up. They see you for you, have no prejudice towards you and also do not fear expressing their love towards you yet. I've had kids telling me they think I only know silly people when I told them I don't really have friends, have been worried about by a kid who would have gave me her hat on a chilly winter day when i left mine at home and just in general have been given so much love by them I never knew I would be ever deserving of.

And the parents? 8 out of 10 times the same level of wholesomeness. I had parents telling me their kid has been so afraid of horses until I started playing with them and talking to them while riding, just getting their mind off the big task and easing them into the whole sport. We had someone telling us they're glad that their kid is growing up with such strong female role models in a world where we started to forget how women are just as strong as any man. I have parents who almost feel like surrogate parents with the way they care about my own mental health, education and just my general well being. They took me in 3 years ago like I have been a part of the stables since it was started and make me feel like a real part of it all.

Even after a week where I gave my all to them and after which I feel like only sleeping the next week, they gave me such an energy boost while taking the kids home on the last day. They never forget to thank us for the things people nowdays take for granted from teachers, trainers and instructors. They're the most wholesome bunch I have ever met, and it could have never been a part of my life if I decide to only take up jobs that don't include working with people or they didn't let their kids try out sports and find us and the world of horse riding. As much as they get out of it, we get just as much and even more back from them. Either by their words or their actions. I'm just glad I get to take part in these camps and get to spend my weekends with them as well, even if it's tyring and takes up time. I would never find something that's more worth it.

I'm sorry, this got really long, but I just wanted to express the whole ball of thoughts in my head that wants to burst right now. My heart is bursting with love, and as much as I know that August will be a hell of a month, I know taking this package with me will ease it a bit and help me get through it. Make memories, try yourself out and never give up things just because you think you won't be successful. You can never know until you try yourself out truly, giving your all.

I hope everyone had a great weekend and that we will have a fantastic raceweekend in F1blr, as well as a lovely next week 🤗 Sorry for rambling as well, but that should be just an everyday trigger warning for my blog 😂

#dona goes to ramble town #part of ->#working week queue #i'm just genuinely emotional about them #and love all of them with my whole heart #even if sometimes they make my head hurt

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i-am-just-a-kiddo · 3 years

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rules: create your own post and tag 9 people to get to know better or catch up with

thank you for tagging me in this, @vishcount, eventhough we catch up every day basically 💞 i am tagging @cortue, @sassyassassy and @the-cloud-whisperer! no pressure in answering these questions to such detail, just do however you feel like. (ED) i’m sorry i forgot to tag @intyalote because i wish to know you better too!

my ramblings under the cut:

last song listened to: Change (Feat. GRAY) (Prod. 코드 쿤스트 CODE KUNST) by Kid Millie

code kunst is one of my absolute favourite musical artists and i always discover new projects he was part of. this one is my recent favourite, i’ve just been listening to it up and down the past few weeks so my youtube shuffle automatically plays this.

last movie watched: The Yin Yang Master (2021)

just like vishie, this was the last movie i watched and i think overall it was very fun? i found it very cute and entertaining in its world-building, as well as the visual design. also chen kun as qingming truly.....hits differently, wow. so it was hard to keep my cool about him because somehow he is way too stunning in my eyes. i also enjoyed the found family trope? it was very sweet. but as vishie noted too, the movie did not leave much place for the characters to develop properly so it would have deserved more time in that department. i was not that attached to any of them because the movie focused more on the plot happening than the character driven story. also funny how the yin yang master: dream of eternity was a wonderful gay feast while this movie just pulled the no homo card lol

currently reading: When The Light Of The World Was Subdued, Our Songs Came Through, A Norton Anthology of Native Nations Poetry (Ed. Joy Harjo, Leanne Howe, Jennifer Elise Foerster and more)

i wished for this book for christmas and finally received it a few weeks ago. the past two years i’ve mostly been reading poetry (if you leave out readings for university) and i really want to educate myself on native cultures and their past. i think this is an amazing book that has a long introduction about its creation and the choices made on how the poems should be assembled. i love how so many different voices across geography, time and ages gets presented and i am excited to read more. apart from that, i am just waiting for uni taking up all my reading space again.

currently craving: a cold beer?

since yesterday the weather has been so incredibly lovely and spring-like, i just want to go sit outside in the park or by the river and have a beer with someone. might do that tomorrow? i am feeling the holiday vibes. (also i am hungry so i should probably cook soon hmm)

current project: uni and fic ideas (and a fishtank?)

for uni i will need to hold a presentation about materiality in viennese modern designs during 1880-1930. i have this ceramic vessel by dagobert peche as my topic and i’m excited to dive into it because i am not well-versed in viennese art in general? and from what i’ve seen from his designs he took a lot of inspiration from japanese ceramics and chinese brush paintings which fits me past studies. also the question of materiality has never been the biggest focus in my studies so i am curious what will come of it, especially since our course leader wants to get us into the exhibition and hold the presentation in front of the actual object, which i have never done before (thanks covid).

i have some fic ideas which i want to get into but right now they are more vague concepts - i’ve been doing some research on korea during the 1880s-1890s for some very loosely dorian gray inspired au, but let’s see if this will take any reasonable shape. i’m also thinking about more wen ning & song lan content and maybe, possibly, some wen kexing character study? let’s see. am slowly getting back to writing and i am lowkey proud.

and yes, i want to get a fishtank in our flat. i am so ready to have one again and my flatmates agreed so there is nothing standing in my way

current mood: tired but content

i overslept my first alarm today so i had a very stressful morning (it usually takes ages for me to get out of bed) and i did most of my first lecture but then decided to ditch it to hang out with my flatmates which was the best decision tbh. i also skipped the second lecture to hang out with them and go on a walk later to enjoy sunshine? so i think this day was very much successful on the social part. i even had ice cream.

current wish: for my writing to return from war

i’ve lamented about this for the past few months on here, but it truly is weighing down my heart a lot. i just miss writing okay. i know i shouldn’t be hard on myself and accept that i need a break too, because indeed - i can’t force it and there is no need in beating myself up. but it still hurts because there is always something missing. i think the past two weeks i have been feeling a little bit more ready to return to it? though i truly need to be understanding with myself if it doesn’t work as i want it to.

currently learning: materiality, persian book art and queer theory

as mentioned above, i have one course about materiality in arts, crafts and designs, focused on 1880-1930 vienna. i am also attending a lecture about persian book art from the 14th century onwards, though i have taken so many lectures with this professor already, i feel like he is repeating himself so much? i hope i will learn something new at least, so far it feels like i’m hearing the topics for the third time. and then i have a lecture about queer theory which is exactly my crowd - the people, the professor and the discussions give me so much and bring all these topics that i think about in my free time into a theoretical and scientific realm? so it’s nice to study these things in a systematic way - as systematic as it’s possible with a topic such as queer theory. this lecture just makes me feel seen and also allows me to get a broader sense of understanding how these studies developed.

something that makes you proud: my niemo oneshot and my social activities

last week i wrote a short snippet for nie huaisang/mo xuanyu and it was the first time i had written in ages? so i feel very proud of it. and something i have been proud of lately is that i manage to be socially active a lot without feeling like all my energy has been sucked out of me? i am genuinly having fun being with people - of course it exhausts me a lot and i take breaks, but all in all it truly got easier socialising ever since i started taking my meds. my anxiety levels aren’t as high as they used to be and it helps me appreciate the presence of other people in a completely new way. this allows me not to feel like i am running away when i take time for myself.

if you’ve read all of this, thank you! this was a fun little something

#nice #i just came from a walk and thought yes #this is the perfect thing to do before i cook something #thank you for tagging me despite knowing most of it already lol #personal #tag game

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kazuzuha · 3 years

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*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ part three

part one ; part two ; part four ; ...

It took me another two years to find a new goal and remember my past one - the latter being that of me exploring the world, meeting new people, seeing the archons, eating new foods, feeling the wind of the highest mountains in Teyvat...

Interestingly, this goal that I had forgotten coincided with the one I had now; running away.

That was all I had in mind in the time gone by, all that truly kept me breathing in that suffocating place. My own mindset was an opposition to my mother’s, her traditional perfectionism trying to mold me into someone flawless, yet, not better than her. My own set of unbearably high standards wore me down, then were further pushed by her hand which ignored the fact that our pressures came from the same place. But I knew. I knew.

It was at fifteen that I fully understood that knowing you are in an unhealthy situation does not call upon the Archons to help.

Father was not around, busy with climbing ranks and taming the snowstorms. If he knew of my ambition, he would have agreed to that marriage proposal I had been given years ago, suspiciously immediately after the Tsaritsa’s interest in me was expressed. It was not that my father did not love or care for me; the opposite stood true. However, he was unaware of how deeply the mental scars inflicted by my mother ran. She was a good wife, a great wife for a Snezhnayan especially. But she was not a good mother. All I had tried to explain, he had already known of, but from a completely different perspective; words convoluted, actions exaggerated - after years of hearing second-hand stories about his child, his image of me became exactly what my mother intended. Therefore, hoping and begging for his help would be redundant. I had to get away on my own two feet.

That being said, I still needed outside help and financial freedom. I made acquaintances amongst my peers, though being taken into a circle of Snezhnayan kids was a difficult task; due to my family’s high standing and my mother’s foreignity, I was either avoided or sneered at. No one dared say much, but those that did were not speaking in welcome. The odds would be stately against my success, if it were not for my observance. Most children were homeschooled and the only way to meet others my age was at a very occasional party or in organised training. There were certain aspects that I saw were well accepted in their eyes; strength, resilience, beauty and charm. I trained in strength, my mind forced resilience, the beauty and charm part could be subsistuted by wealth and social standing. It should have worked. Unfortunately, I did not consider my gender.

After beating a boy twice my size in combat, I was not revered as I had previously expected. I was not suddenly accepted into a friend group, was not offered the bitter alcohol they hid under their shirts. I was a foreign girl they could not touch, could not win against. And that pissed them off. The spreading of rumours seemed like a simple childish act at first, but the way people began to view me was set in stone before they even met me, painting me as unattainable, arrogant. A sense of déjà vu made me realise that I was once again losing an exit out of this place. But I was a quick learner.

Instead of my peers at the training grounds, I looked elsewhere. Tagging along with my father under the pretense of learning his strategies, donning my most modest dresses and tint on my lips, I met the younglings of aristocracy. They recognised my situation as their own, shunned for being better than everyone else. The mindset of superiority deeply ingrained in their small heads made it laughably easy to appease them and get piles of information that I made sure to memorize. My graceful actions, soft-spoken words and dainty visuals… all crafted to fit the perfect standard of a young girl beloved by the Tsaritsa.

Manipulation was effortless to replicate and after shedding a false tear over an acquaintance’s loss of a parent, the apprehension of the lack of my care about using others sent shudders down my spine. I hated it. I hated being forced to do the same I had been an object of. Most of all, I was horrified by how good I was at it. A secret account provided by a lovesick fool who turned out to be the son of the main manager of our biggest bank. Five sources of income through illegal trade business from Fontaine. A shy girl who wished for one good friend, the daughter of the biggest weaponry corporation, owning over fifty industrial factories in Snezhnaya alone. In less than two years, I was the biggest shareholder of two major companies.

All I needed was a good public reason to leave and never come back - if I had run away in the middle of the night, the powerful people around me would send hundreds behind me without a second thought. The only ones who can facilely leave are the Fatui - Tsaritsa’s dogs - and, of course, her Harbingers. I have seen my fair share of Fatui, especially when I was still dealing with the mess that was the illegal trading with Fontaine’s machinery. They were soldiers, but they were also people; until you gave them enough power to be drunk on. As for the Harbingers, two of them I had met on multiple occasions; the man I had momentarily seen at Tsaritsa’s side on that balcony was presented as Dottore, or Doctor, though his unhinged expressions pointed to him being a rabid predator, not a healer. He was a shadow; never seen, but always… there. The second Harbinger was my father’s old acquaintance known by the title La Signora, or more favourably, The Fair Lady. As a visionless female aristocrat, I was expected to marry quickly and provide many future soldiers to the armies of Snezhnaya. When I was younger I did not understand the disgust and abhorrence I felt at the thought of my set future. Without dreams, I only wandered. It was not surprising that I began to look up to the notoriously powerful Signora, especially since the silver shade in our eyes was of the same empty shine. Fascinated by her bold disobedience of our land’s customs, I caught myself imitating her walk; young and impressionable, sure, but I also knew that without a Vision, I would never be able to stride as freely as she could.

That is why I spent so much energy and time on getting Mora. In complete honesty, I could have left Snezhnaya a year into my socialisation. In only a few months, I had enough financial security to start a business in the faraway Liyue which flourished past my expectations. Despite resigning myself to using others, the human mind sometimes cannot help but create bonds of affection to others and so, after the first time hearing “comrade” or the late-night conversations with a painfully vulnerable and lonely teenager, I could not help but want to stay longer, although merely subconsciously. I began finding reasons to stay; perhaps visiting Liyue to oversee my business after a scandal was not a good enough plan to leave, perhaps I should save just a bit more before I go on a long journey, what if the branch deal suddenly fails, I need to manage this project myself… The excuses piled up, my very few friendships strengthened and then, I thought; living here for the rest of my life would not be the worst. This idea was proven wrong time and time again, the glares like daggers in my back, enviness of others putting poison in my cups, the bloody display of the rare bunny I was gifted by a prominent and popular merchant, my mother’s slap at the word “Liyue” leaving my mouth.

I was woken up by news of the forgotten childhood marriage proposal being reconsidered.

“My clever girl is all grown up now!” my father spoke loudly, his fork sounding on the golden plate as the guests around him followed his proud tone with interest. Turning to his closest comrade, another one of Tsaritsa’s most trusted, he spoke as if confiding a secret though all invitees could hear him clearly: “Nobody is ever going to be good enough for my dove, but I’m considering accepting that proposal. They’d make a good match, both of their heads full of coins.”

Booming laughter ensued as my smile froze on my lips. He had never discussed this with me beforehand, so why now?

As if he had read my thoughts, Father’s eyes found mine, his bright and naive, sure that I would simply go with it as I had with everything until now. I decided to keep the illusion intact and made myself smile wider.

“Girlie that plays with coins, hah! If that’s what he needs to tie him down, I’d get on my knees myself,” the other man spoke, raising his glass towards me and eliciting another round of hollers.

Not one to stay quiet in rage, I spoke with a light, pretty tone: “Sorry to say this old man, but I’d prefer for the man to kneel down for my hand himself. Your legs might just give out from how long you’d have to be begging on the ground for him.”

The hidden jab of my not even knowing who the man proposing was went past their ears.

“As expected!” the man yelled over the ear-wrenching laughter, slapping my grinning father on the back, while another man, whom I recognised as my only female friend’s absentee parent, spoke up; “She’s really your kid, through and through. Shame you didn’t make a boy, too, with that spunk he’d be one of Tsaritsa’s best warriors by now.”

“No kid of mine would be any good as a soldier,” Father countered, the alcohol in his glass disappearing. “Us Silvers use our heads.”

After he playfully headbutts his comrade, the conversation moves elsewhere and I take my leave. Again, I find myself on the balcony, heaving deep breaths, desperately trying to calm my racing pulse. Vaguely, I think about my wild expression and how others would react if they chanced upon me at this moment, but my unbearable fear does not allow for a stoic attitude.

Ah, right, I wanted to run away.

It is needless to say that I got my plans in order just that night.

I only let my closest friends know of the finality of my departure, sent a personal letter to the Tsaritsa and prepared an entourage of people who wanted to permanently leave Snezhnaya as well.

Tsaritsa’s reply was swift and curt; a permit to leave for business. There was not any mention of a permit to return, but that was exactly what I had been looking for.

I mentioned my journey East to my parents at a rare shared dinner, as if passing news. My mother would have dragged me by my hair if we had been alone; having my father present was imperative. With my mother’s forced silence, I explained that, due to the scandal - which I had painstakingly created myself - I wanted to take charge of the business in Liyue Harbour for three months until I found a capable enough manager to take over the decision-making.

“It is unsavory for women to make the main decisions in a business,” I sighed, massaging the side of my head as if troubled by this gravely. My father nodded, sympathetically, while my mother coldly glared at my theatrics. It was not her that I needed to convince, anyway; she would follow whatever her husband decided. Holding Father’s hand, a physical contact of seldom, I continued: “I want to get this over with quickly, that is why I am going myself. After all, the marriage should not be put off for too long, should it? You told me a few days ago that you wanted a grandson, after all.”

I left three days after that.

The tearful farewells were done in secret, only polite nods were given in the public eye. More people have come to bid me a good journey than I would have expected, my ties reaching further than those of the usual Snezhnayan. I decided to speed up my leave before anyone else could notice.

White mountains and the creaking of snow beneath the heavy feet slowly turned into browns and greens and sloshes of mud. We stayed the night at a guesthouse in Fontaine, the waterfalls washing away the prints of our path. I wished I could have run away immediately, but arriving at the Liyue headquarters was a necessary evil to maintain our facade; if we did not send word, it would have been no different from an escape without planning.

The warm water felt wonderful against my cold skin, accustomed to the harsh weather of the land of Cryo. It was a few hours after sunset and only the sounds of nocturnal butterflies were present. The unchanging moon shone down, reflecting its light into the lake, its shape sometimes a copy, sometimes a caricature.

TBA

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werevulvi · 3 years

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Hi, could you tell me more about your autism and diagnosis and how you deal with it, how old you were diagnosed

I don't know a lot about my autism, tbh, as I never bothered to read up on it and I was never properly informed on it. But what I do know is that I learned slowly as a kid, learned to walk at age 3, was very clumsy (like medically abnormally clumsy physically, could barely run at all and couldn't climb, etc) required special treatment to learn how to eat as a toddler because I hated the sensory experience of solid food and chewing, I was incapable of understanding sarcasm, interpreted everything literally, I was stimming a lot, had monotone body language and speech, etc. I was very obviously "different" according to my parents already from around age 1 or 2, and required literally constant attention for the first 4 years of my life. Started daycare at age 4, in small groups.

Then as I started school at age 6, apparently the school nurse had told my parents that I'm probably autistic, so I consider that my "inofficial diagnosis" but they decided to ignore that and didn't tell me (until 10 years later.) I was bullied in school for being "the weird kid" by both classmates and teachers who thought I was a retard and annoying, basically, I guess. I was called a freak and weirdo a lot. But like I was proudly a weirdo, and resented normativity.

As I got up into ages 10-12 my depression and DID symptoms (alter) kinda took over and became more prominent than my autism symptoms, as I wasn't as physically clumsy anymore and started learning social cues. My mental health continued to decline over the next few years, until I sought out therapy on my own at age 16. It led me to doing my first few suicide attempts, which led me to ending up at a closed psychiatric ward.

While staying there for a few weeks, I got evaluated for autism (without knowing that's what I was tested for) as well as a few physical things, such as my hearing impairment and chronic headache. And those tests led to an official Asperger Syndrome diagnosis, when I was 16, by the very end of year 2005. I also got diagnosed with borderline psychosis and mild depression, and got pumped full of anti-depressants and anti-psychotic (neuroleptic) drugs. Then my mom finally told me that she basically always knew about my autism, and I was really pissed at her for not having told me before. I resented my autism diagnosis right from the start, and the older I got, the more I resented it. Never identified with it, only ever saw it as a huge burden.

Then throughout the rest of my teens, I went to a school for neurodivergent people (basically upper high school) but still flunked it. I was a complete and utter mess, and got little to no actual therapy. They just kept shoving me around from one psychiatric department to another, due to my comorbid issues, no one could help me, it seemed. Every once in a while I'd make another half assed suicide attempt to make them take me seriously, which only worked for a few months at a time. In total, I've made 19 suicide attemps over 12 years. Oh lord, psychiatry was so bad!

Adulthood came along and I got benefitted with sickness compensation, and got my first apartment at age 20. It didn't go great. I accidentally flooded it and had to move out, and didn't manage to keep it clean or anything while I lived there. I was barely functional and alcoholic, constantly self-harming, just to try to manage attending school. Despite getting help from caretakers offered by the state (?) weekly, I was really dysfunctional. I switched apartments several times, and kept flunking school while trying to live my miserable life, always hanging by a thread. Until I moved back to my parents at age 23. They had moved to a miserable island far away from all my friends. Got an apartment on that island close to my parents, but my issues continued being the same level of awful, up until about age 27.

What this has to do with my autism is that... uh, I basically understand it as that it impedes on my executive function really dramatically, and like although I can physically do pretty much anything, mentally I just somehow can't. Especially repeatedly, and often enough. Like I can't keep any routine for the life of me, not even simple shit like sleep cycle, eating habits, brushing my teeth, etc. Let alone school or a job, or even hobbies. Everything is infrequent and too seldom, if at all. So everything in my life keeps falling apart as I basically have no foundation to stand on, and I get sensory overload suuuuper easily. So like just going shopping/cleaning/laundry/hobbies/school/anything for half an hour can drain me significantly and make me incapable of managing doing anything else for the rest of that entire day. It's very hard for me to explain, but it's like I only ever have 3 spoons per day, but most things requitre 10+ spoons, so I go backwards on my energy resources a lot and end up having to rest for DAYS after just one hour's activity.

At age 27 I ditched the social service caretakers, as they were seriously depriving me of my privacy while being largely unhelpful, and I began to finally try to pull myself together. I still get a lot of help from my mom, with anything from paying my bills and grocery shopping, to driving me places and dealing with soul-sucking authorities for me. This takes off a lot of the burden and allows me to manage doing at least a few things on my own, like working out, cleaning (yay I manage keeping my apartment clean nowadays!), laundry, occasional shopping, art projects, online socialising, etc. I still go to therapy biweekly but it's still largely unhelpful. At least I managed to make them stop tossing me around between departments like a football though, and I'm still gonna try to get some proper trauma therapy, and maybe also look into that adhd group I was promised last year, if it'll ever resume again post-corona...

I've still never had a job in my life and still have incomplete grades. But I got permanent sickness compensation now, so that's neat. At least I don't have to worry financially. I'm also trying to get started with some "work training" stuff which is basically "pretend work" for people who can't work, just to have something to do. I'll most likely be granted acces to that. However, it seems irony is that most of those are located out in the middle of nowhere where no buses go, and I can't afford a fucking car or driver's licence because I can't work. Mom probably won't drive me several times a week for that. Fucking fantastic. Makes me almost wanna kill someone... argh! Those little things really piss me off.

Life is absolutely not going the way I want and I blame my autism for it, mostly. I am drowning in frustration, and my anger issues making me scream my lungs out in pure despair, shows that. I'm considered offically disabled due to my autism, and it just fucking sucks ass. How lonely, under-stimulated yet easily over-stimulated, bored, meaningless and unfulfilled my life is. There are far more severely autistic people out there who somehow manage to live far more functional lives, and I'm jealous of that. I dunno how to break free from this misery. It feels like the only thing I've ever managed to accomplish in life is transitioning genders, and making art that I don't wanna sell. I wanna have a "normal" job, a car and driver's licence, I wanna have cats and a social life, I want parties at night clubs again, I want hobbies outside of my home; hookups, friends and lovers; I want to be able to have a functional romantic life with someone I can marry and start a family with.

But is any of that ever gonna happen? I hope so, but it feels bleak. Because my autism feels like such a huge burden on my life, and a huge hindrence to my dreams and goals... like I'm over 30 already and still a disabled and having my mom living half my life for me, miserable mess and not given any useful therapy, I'm left to my own vices to figure out how to adult... Because of all that, I hate my autism and I wish there was a cure, I swear to fuck. So for your question, how I deal with it: not fantastically. Not sure if you wanted a relay of my entire life, but I hope that’s okay! Didn’t know how else to answer your questions.

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sign-from-god-complex · 5 years

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Idealistic

Summary: Even after months of friendship, Logan didn’t know Remy’s major. There was, in fact, quite a lot he didn’t know about Remy, but Logan found he was more than willing to learn.

Pairing: Sleeplogical / Losleep

A/N: This fic is based on the lovely @sleepless-in-starbucks' space!Remy idea!!! it’s probably also worth noting that Logan’s last name here is McKenzie, which is why that’s what Remy is calling him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are certain things certain groups of people will always find important.

For example, when you meet a child, they will often tell you their age down to the month—a fact not many adults will care all that much about sharing. Fisherman will talk about fish and authors will talk about books; each group has its own unique priorities.

One of the things that university students find to be particularly important is your major.

Your major can tell people a lot about you—give hints as to whether you're practical or creative, whether you dream big or are more realistic and, often, what you are truly passionate about.

Logan's own major—psychology—told others that he was fairly grounded, ambitious and that his misunderstanding of other human beings and how they work had culminated in a lifelong fascination in figuring it out. Had Logan been looking into practising psychology rather than simply researching it, that would have said other things, but Logan had made it very clear where his interests lay.

Logan's roommate, Roman's, major declared him an overdramatic idiot with his hopes set higher than it was usually possible to achieve; Patton's major declared him sweet, caring and hardworking; Virgil's major declared him subtly intelligent and willing to stay up to unreasonable hours to get things done. Truly, there was so much you could learn from knowing the majors of the people you socialise with.

Which is why it irritated Logan so much that he still didn't know Remy's.

Remy was an enigma. From the moment they sauntered their way into Logan's regular coffee shop, only displaying the bits of themself they wanted people to see, Logan had been enamoured by the idea of what lay underneath the surface.

Every so often he would get a glimpse of something more than the flirty persona Remy put on. They would laugh—genuinely laugh, ducking their head, their cheeks flushed—or they would sigh—soft and quiet and sadder than Logan ever wanted them to feel—and moment by moment Logan fell just a little bit further for them.

He didn't mean to, but he had been reliably informed that no one ever did.

Logan exhaled into the cold air, watching his breath mist in front of him. The sound of music from the house behind him was muffled as he leant against the balcony railing, trying to catch a moment alone.

Roman had dragged him to this party, citing that he needed to get out more and stop being such a buzzkill. Logan personally thought that there was a large difference between finding studying important and being a buzzkill but he wasn't going to waste his breath attempting to explain that to Roman, who rarely listened to him anyway.

"You doing alright out here, McKenzie?"

Logan caught the sound of Remy's voice and he spun around, watching them close the sliding glass door behind them. There was a grin at Logan's reaction but it wasn't unkind, just teasing and playful.

Logan, hoping the dim lighting outside would hide his blush, turned back to look over the railing. "I am fine, Remy, thank you."

Out of the corner of his eye, Logan saw Remy approach the edge of the balcony to stand beside him, lifting their sunglasses to perch on the top of their head. Something in Logan warmed at the fact that Remy felt comfortable enough around him to remove their armour—and he knew without a doubt that's what those sunglasses represented.

"They're beautiful, aren't they?" Logan whispered, gazing up at the sky and failing to notice the way Remy tensed beside him at the question.

"The stars? I mean, they're just balls of gas." Remy's voice was stiff and uncomfortable as they fiddled with the sleeve of their leather jacket. "What’s there to be so excited about?"

Logan startled, turning to look at Remy incredulously. "There is so much more to them than that, Remy. Barring the fact that the stars are one of the most visually pleasing things we, as human beings, will ever get a chance to see, they represent so much more than just balls of gas. They represent the idea of exploration, of infinity, of a sense of longing for that which is outside our reach.”

He gestured vaguely upwards, expecting to go on, but was interrupted by a single word from Remy.

“Astronomy.”

It was blurted, hurried and almost afraid, and Remy appeared as if they already regretted it.

Logan furrowed his brow. “What?”

“You… wanted to know my major, that day in the cafe when we met.” Remy spoke slowly, seemingly almost rolling their words around their mouth before releasing them.

Logan nodded. He hadn’t been sure at the time why Remy had so adamantly avoided the subject of their major but it was obvious they didn’t want to share and Logan was learning not to push. It bothered him immensely—because it was another missing piece of the puzzle when it came to figuring Remy out—but he didn’t want to risk their friendship over something so trivial.

Remy sighed, directing their gaze upward and away from Logan. “It’s astronomy.”

And suddenly, Logan felt he had a much clearer picture of who Remy was then he had ever been afforded before.

Because astronomy tells tales of someone always longing for something else. It tells the story of a young child sitting on the roof, wishing to be anywhere but here, wishing to be somewhere they felt they fit. Astronomy was patient, insatiable curiosity and childish excitement hidden behind the guise of serious scientific achievement; it was someone who looked up once and never saw the worth in looking back down.

Logan tilted his head, trying to figure out the reasoning behind Remy’s previous attitude. “But why would you…?”

He trailed off as Remy huffed, twisting up their mouth with a look Logan couldn’t quite identify—something between self-deprecation, anger and regret.

“I was just so sick of people’s reactions. Sick of being told I wasn’t smart enough, sick of being told that I needed to be more realistic, get my head out of the clouds. The stars are gorgeous—” and with that, Remy leaned out further over the railing, almost as if they were trying to throw themself right up there to join them—“and there’s almost nothing I wouldn’t give to know everything I could about them.”

“I feel the same way about humans.”

Remy laughed, pulling themself back from the railing, their face painted red in embarrassment. “See? Grounded.”

Logan shook his head. “Idealistic,” he corrected, “I think we both are.”

That seemed to calm Remy, prompting them to sigh—low but not too heavy. They both returned to look out at the sky, hands resting side by side on the balcony railing and eyes catching subtle glances at each other between breaths. The atmosphere felt as if it had been lifted, making Logan seem weightless, even hopeful.

“Can you… tell me about them?”

“About the stars?” Remy looked hesitant but Logan felt as if he knew what that stemmed from. It was from every dismissal, every pointed and over-dramatic sigh and every time they’d been disrupted. Logan wouldn’t even dream of letting that happen here.

“Please,” Logan insisted, “I’ve always been interested but I’ve never really had the time to look into it. You would be doing me a favour.”

They took a steadying breath, their eyes scanning the sky for a second, before settling on one spot in particular. They pointed upward, their hand wavering ever so slightly. “That’s Sirius, d’you see it?”

Logan hummed lightly. “I’m not sure.”

Huffing a breath, Remy moved to stand behind him, pressing up against his back and resting their head on his shoulder. The two of them were about the same height—Remy was slightly taller but it was by an almost negligible amount—and yet Logan had never felt quite as small. Or as warm.

They grabbed a hold of Logan’s hand on the railing and aimed a finger towards a particular star.

"How ‘bout now?”

“Yes, I see it.” Logan’s voice was hushed, almost reverent, as if he was concerned about disturbing the quiet that had settled over the two of them.

“Sirius is the brightest star in our sky, though it’s actually a binary star system made up of two stars, Sirius A and Sirius B. It’s also one of the closest stars to Earth, sitting at eight and a half-ish light-years away.

“And if you see the stars, here…” Remy elongated the word as they drew Logan’s hand around the sky, gesturing to a few other stars in the area. “They’re all a part of the constellation Canis Major, or the Greater Dog, which also contains VY Canis Majoris, one of the biggest stars we know about. At the moment, anyway.”

Logan made a hum of acknowledgement, watching Remy grin out of the corner of his eye.

They were excited—genuinely excited—their eyes glittering and bright, biting at their bottom lip as they thought of what to say next. Again, they moved Logan’s hand, gesturing to a particular star, then another, then a cluster, then a constellation, filling Logan’s head with passionate chatter and a landslide of interesting facts.

He's certain he's never felt so fond—potentially of anyone but certainly of Remy, and he's always fond of Remy. There was just something about seeing someone engage in their passions without remorse that lifted that feeling to a whole new level.

If only there was a way to remove that hesitance for good.

"What?"

Remy drew away, their tone defensive as they caught onto Logan's shifting mood.

"It's nothing." At their unamused glare, Logan sighed, correcting himself. "I just… I wish you were this excited all the time. I don't know what happened exactly to make you so apprehensive about your interests but watching you ramble like this is enchanting, Remy."

“Well, I got an image to maintain, gurl,” Remy snarked, “Can’t just be throwing this kind of vulnerability around wherever; gotta save it for the people who matter.”

Logan flushed, ducking his head slightly to avoid the adoring look Remy was giving him, making him feel warm even despite the bite of the wind. “I have to admit that I’m vaguely surprised to be included in that group of people.”

“Hun, you’re almost the whole group. Don’t really have people chomping at the bit to be my best friend.”

Their tone wasn’t disappointed or resigned, simply stating it like they would anything else in their life and it frustrated Logan that they thought they were worth so little in the eyes of other people when they were so valuable in his own.

“I truly can’t imagine why not,” Logan muttered under his breath.

They gave Logan something of a soft look, shaking their head in a way that made Logan wonder if they’d heard him. “Anyway, I think we have a party to be getting back to, doll.”

Flipping their sunglasses back onto the bridge of their nose, they gave Logan an impish grin, tossing in a wink before pushing them up for what Logan was sure was no other reason than to watch his cheeks stain red. They had a tendency to do things like that, to make Logan flustered or stumble with their words and small gestures.

Somehow, he felt as if this could be more than simple teasing, though he wasn’t quite sure why.

They threw their arm around Logan’s shoulders, steering him over towards the door and pulling it open with more flourish than was probably required for the action.

“Wait, Remy.” Logan flung his arm out, stopping Remy halfway to walking back into the house.

He paused for a moment, trying to gather both his thoughts and his courage. Remy only waited patiently, their focus entirely on him—not on the rest of the evening or what they might be doing tomorrow, not even on the stars or the sounds of the party inside, but solely on him and this moment.

“I… enjoyed this…” Logan began, words hesitant and low, “And I would be amenable to doing something similar again in the future. Perhaps without the drunk college students in the background.”

A smile softened Remy’s face, their sunglasses gleaming in the dim lights of the street outside and Logan couldn’t tell exactly how they were looking at him but he thought he had a pretty good idea.

“I think I’d like that.”

Logan smiled back—more involuntarily than in mirror of Remy’s own expression. He felt no butterflies or fireworks inside him; instead, Logan felt warm and safe, like a sunrise cresting over the hill, shining a light on a day that he’d been anticipating for months now.

It would also be fair to say he felt… protected. He always did with Remy. Logan would never claim to want for or require protection by any means, however, it was comforting all the same.

“Good.”

It was barely more than a whisper, a suggestion of a word rather than practical implementation.

“Good,” Remy echoed. Then their brow furrowed the tiniest bit, their smile turning into a smirk, “It’s a date then.”

Logan nodded absentmindedly. “Yes, it’s a dat- wait, what?”

Remy laughed at his shocked expression—bright and sharp and their tongue poking out and gods, they were so pretty; Logan wasn’t sure he was capable of fitting all of these emotions inside his chest without simply exploding.

They painted on a Cheshire-cat grin, somehow looking amused and affectionate all at once. “See you ‘round, McKenzie!”

And with those parting words, Remy twirled on the spot and disappeared into the crowd of people, leaving Logan with nothing more than the sound of their laughter ringing in his ears and a night to look forward to.

Taglist: @mutechild @super-magical-wizard @shadowsfromthesun @teadays @sandersships @mctaetae613 @autism-goblin @deadlyhuggles6 @romanthestarstruckqueer @whispers-stuff-in-your-ear @rainboots-are-for-snobs @sanders-and-sides @spirits-in-my-thoughts @kee-and-co @autistic-virgil @stop-it-anxiety @figurative-falsehood @jadedfantasies231 @idosanderssidespromptssometimes @poisonedapples @sanders-screams @another-sandersidesblog @do-not-just-see-observe @mychemicalpanicattheemo @thomassandersenthusiast

#sanders sides #sanders sides fic #logan sanders #remy sanders #losleep #sleeplogical #lo can write #or so I say hahah #I have to say I'm actually not 100% on the characterisation in this one?? but oh well

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wri0thesley · 4 years

Text

dfnjvngfb please be nice to me about this because it’s VERY self-indulgent and also very explicitly self-insert and not reader-insert, but . . . i wrote some nat/prosciutto inspired by an ask i saw about being a dance teacher. and i thought; hmm. i’ve always wanted to learn how to swing dance for that 50s repro life, and i bet prosciutto would be up for that--

is this a meet cute

[brief a/n: nat is a 23 year old opera student at a fancy italian conservatory. they left a while before studying bc opera singer’s voices mature and also christ the price, they had to save up. imagine this dress. prosciutto swing dances because he likes it and also he picks up older women with rich husbands and money to burn who’ll spoil him a bit, heaven knows la squadra doesn’t pay him enough. he’s amassed quite a bit of wealth just by being older women’s - and sometimes men’s - sugar baby, but he likes the dancing enough to carry on doing it. usignolo means songbird/nightingale]

You linger outside the studio’s building for a minute, trying to gather up the courage to go inside. Sure, this had seemed like a good idea last week when you’d seen a flyer on your conservatoire’s notice board, and considered how your International Studies Coordinator had suggested getting more involved in the local community. You’re pretty sure she’d intended for you to try bars, socialising with other people your age . . . but. Well. You’ve never really been one for loud clubs or thumping music.

So you’d taken a phone number and booked a place in the class and tried to ignore the pounding of anxiety in your throat every time you thought about actually making a social commitment in a country you’ve barely been in for a month.

You bite your lip, wondering if you’re going to be overdressed. Sure, you’re used to being overdressed - being in a full face of makeup and neat heels and stockings in an eight-in-the-morning Music Theory class when your classmates look like the walking dead after a night enjoying Naples’ nightlife, but those are people who you see every day. Making a good impression on people you hope to be social with . . . that’s a totally different can of worms.

Some people have hurried past you in full ballet garb; neat chignons, elegant lines, holding their canvas dance bags and shooting you curious glances. You’re not built to be a ballet dancer, you suppose; but then again, that’s not why you’re here. You check the time again. You’re five minutes early.

Okay. Good impression. You’re not going to walk into the room ten minutes late. Maybe if you get in there early, you can seem like you belong. Ignoring the pounding in your stomach and the fact your nerves are begging you to turn back and forget this whole idea, you push into the building and make your way to the dance studio number you were told to come to. Your heels clack on the wooden floor - you’d done as much research as you could before coming here (always terrified of being out of step, or just doing things wrong), but you can’t shake the nagging anxiety that perhaps you’re going to be the sore thumb.

God, you hope you’re not a sore thumb in all the worst reasons, peeking into one of the windows of the other studios and seeing a line of willowy androgynous ballet dancers, stretching elegant limbs up to the ceiling and pointing toes of well-muscled lithe legs. You tug at your dress, nervous again of your curves and your general being.

You push open the door to Studio Number Seven.

. . . Well.

Perhaps you shouldn’t have worried about being overdressed. The other people in here wearing dresses are wearing nice floral prints and swing skirts and neat cardigans. Your own black dress seems a little somber in comparison (cheered up by one of your collection of 1950s embroidered brooches), but that’s not the thing you notice.

The thing you notice is the silver hair, the glasses perched on noses, the crow’s feet and the indulgent smiles when they see you.

You are certainly not going to be befriending peers, that’s for sure.

The instructor herself only has about a decade on you, and you’re almost relieved to see that she’s wearing a cherry-printed dress with faux Bettie Page bangs. That’s more like your kind of people. She bounces up to you, neat and enthusiastic.

“You’re Nat, right?” She asks, smiling, and you find yourself smiling back. “I know you said you were a student, but I was still expecting someone . . .” She gestures vaguely at the room around her, and you can’t help but let some of the tension drain out of your shoulders.

“Yeah,” you say, “I’m not sure what I was expecting.”

She laughs.

“Well,” she says, “it’s a dying art, swing dancing! We should be glad that there are young people wanting to take it up. Do you have any experience at all? You’re certainly dressed the part!” She winks at you. “I love seeing the outfits, honestly - one of my favourite parts of teaching for sure!”

You shake your head.

“Not in swing dance,” you say. “A little in ballet and tap, but I guess that’s . . . not a transferable skill, huh?” She claps your shoulder.

“It means you’ve got some rhythm in you,” she says. “Now, let me see -- ah! I have the perfect partner for you. He’ll give you a hand whilst you’re finding your feet--”

She turns on her heel and disappears into the crowd of students, and that’s when you see him for the first time. He’s taller than the rest of the elderly bowed students, stoop-shouldered - standing above them with a quantity of slicked back blond hair and cheekbones you could cut diamonds with, sharply tailored suit cut to show off a muscled chest. He sees you looking at him and he turns his gaze on you, blue eyes icy, sweeping across your form in a way that makes you avert your eyes and try not to be swallowed up by the studio floor. You see, from the corner of your eye, the smirk . . . and then you see the instructor come over to him, tug gently on his arm and speak softly under her breath.

You’re flustered as the instructor brings the handsome blond over to you, flush rising to your cheeks - seeing your reaction to him, the man shoots you a charming smile, revealing the slightest overbite and a gap in his teeth, and oh . . . that’s unfair. He inclines his head, a half bow, holding out one hand for you to take as the instructor nods.

“This is Armando,” she says to you. “I think he’ll be a wonderful partner, he’s been coming here for months and he’s such a good teacher, I should be paying him some of my salary!”

“Just because you’re such a good teacher, I’m sure,” the blond man says. He turns to you as the instructor shoots you a wink and moves away to go towards the front of the room. His eyes on you make you burn warm. You resist the urge to chew on your lip, looking up at him through lowered lashes.

“Did she . . .” You nod towards the instructor, “partner us together because you’re closer in age to me than everyone else?”

The man hums, a small smile on his handsome face, as you hesitantly take his hand. His fingers are soft and warm but self-assured as he moves closer, other hand landing on the curve of your waist. His aftershave smells woodsy and smoky and it’s all you can do to not breathe it in deeply.

“Perhaps,” he remarks, voice soft and deep. “I am only sixty five.”

“You must have an amazing skincare routine.”

He smirks.

“I do.”

The instructor claps her hands together at the front of the class and you both turn, but his hand doesn’t let go of yours and his grip on your waist doesn’t falter. From the corner of your eye, you see looks from the other women in the class that are obviously jealousy. You try to ignore it; it’s unusual, for you to be the one people are jealous of. It’s almost . . . nice.

Still. You’re trying to make friends, so you don’t gloat in it.

The instructor talks, moving across the room, gently correcting some people’s holds, talking animatedly. She pauses by you and Armando, but she nods and smiles instead of touching you. As you and he begin to move, slowly, he leans in closer.

“You know . . . my name,” he says (there’s a lingering impression that something about this statement makes him uncomfortable; it’s strange to hear him sound unsure when every inch of him oozes confidence and surety). “But I don’t know yours. What brings you to our jolly class?”

“Nat,” you say, “just . . . just Nat.” He tips his head, leaving the conversation open, his eyes utterly focused on you in a way that you’ve never really felt. He seems genuinely invested. “I’m an opera singer. A student, I mean. At . . . at the conservatorio?”

“Ah,” he says, smiling. “A nightingale.”

You blush, and the hand on your waist tightens imperceptibly at the way your eyes flicker away from him in embarrassment at the sweet name.

“And the swing dance?” He asks, one eyebrow raised. “I mean . . . I’m not complaining, but as you can see . . .” He inclines his head at the other students.

“I just . . . like the fifties. You know . . . elegant dresses, petticoats, the music . . . I’m not romanticising it or anything, but I just like that idealised idea of it, you know? A-anyway! What about you? Y-you don’t look like the type--”

“Touche,” he says, smiling softly, but he doesn’t say anything beyond that.

You and he spend the rest of the lesson partnered together. He’s elegant, quick, smiling at you when you catch his eye amongst a whirl of petticoats and a breathless swell of the music. You know that you’re a little clumsy on your feet (you can’t help that! Not with a man like this so close to you, leaning down to murmur close to your face, holding onto your waist so firmly as if he doesn’t want to let you go).

He murmurs things about some of the other students as he whirls you around, that make you laugh and widen your eyes and insist ‘no!’. Every time he gets a rise out of you, a response of flushed cheeks and giggles and demurely turned down eyes, he seems to get a little more intense on how he’s handling you.

You’re in a mess of a beating heart and short breath and pink cheeks by the time that the instructor calls time on the day’s class, and you feel like you’ve had a successful time. Sure, you didn’t mingle with anybody else but . . . Armando, but you’ve had a good time. You feel confident and excited at the prospect of next week’s lesson. Pulling away from him and straightening yourself out a little, you offer him an apologetic smile.

“Sorry if I wasn’t very good,” you say. “I’m . . . I’m not the most graceful.” You gesture down to the curves of your body, that often feel so ungainly and as if they’re taking up more space than you deserve to. “I guess you’ll go back to another partner next week, but thank you for helping--”

He quirks his lips, one eyebrow raised.

“I don’t have to.” He says. “I’m perfectly content to partner you, you know. You were . . . Well.” He laughs, a little soft noise that you can tell from the look in his eyes isn’t intended to be at all mocking. “You were a pleasure to dance with, if we were off-beat plenty of the time.” He pauses. “And . . . if you want, I’d be more than happy to go over some things with you before next week’s session,” he says, his words easy, and your heart skips a beat. You’d worried that maybe he’d be annoyed by being paired off with someone who’s got no idea what they’re doing, by someone who looks like you when a man like that probably spends most of his time surrounded by people just as beautiful--

“Really?” You ask, blinking up at him. “I don’t want to be an imposition.”

His laugh is light again, his fingers gently dancing up your arm, a touch that’s intended - you’re sure - to be comforting, but that sends a frisson of electricity all through you.

“Oh, you won’t be. As long as you’re willing to indulge me with dinner first, bella.”

You know that your blood rushes to your face even beneath the powder and the makeup, and you know, too, that there’s no way he misses it. A smirk pulls at the corner of his full mouth, and you question whether you actually fell over and hit your head at some point and are now hallucinating.

“Perhaps afterwards,” you tell him. “I don’t know if I could dance on a full stomach.”

He laughs, the noise low and smooth. You can feel jealous eyes on your back - and can you blame them? Look at him.

“I didn’t say it would be dancing, did I?”

“I--” Your brain moves lightning fast, trying to get your brain to respond to him in kind, but he doesn’t give you time to think of something witty. The hand on your arm moves, dancing across your collarbone, brushing the vintage brooch, resting briefly on the full warmth of your cheek, tipping your face up to him.

“Verpazza, Wednesday night, 9PM,” he says to you. You recognise the name of one of the more upscale restaurants you pass on your way to classes from your shitty rented room in the boarding house for international students, and you fight to stop your eyes widening. Your poor student budget certainly wouldn’t allow for such luxuries. “Ask for Prosciutto’s table if you’re there before me. I’ll take care of it.”

There’s something in his smile that suggests to you he loves the idea of taking care of things; that he’s getting a real thrill out of playing the knight in shining armour. Well. You’ve heard plenty of tell about Italian men (and plenty of horror stories from other people in your class) - but he seems . . . indulgent. Like he loves the idea of providing for someone.

“Like the ham?” You ask him, and a flicker of amusement passes over his face. “Is that your surname?”

A flash of something else in his eyes. You can’t quite name it - but you don’t fail to notice his eyes flicker, as if checking nobody else is listening. He tries to keep his voice easy.

“Mm. An unfortunate family name, and a name that’s stuck.” He winks at you. “You’ll never hear anybody outside of this room call me . . . Armando.” The name sounds wrong on his tongue, the slightest grimace following the syllables. Blue eyes turning icy, just for a moment. He pulls himself back, smiling at you again. “You can call me Prosh, if you want.”

“You don’t seem the nickname type.” He laughs.

“Mm. Well. . . I’d prefer to hear the full thing, but if it’s your voice, usignolo--”

You recognise the nickname and flush, warm. The smile he gives you is crooked and makes your toes curl in your heels, your entire body feel warm, your head feel light. Okay, you might not have made friendly connections . . . but you’ve certainly made some kind of connection.

“Wednesday?” You ask him, again, wanting to really feel sure. You’ve been . . . stood up, plenty of times. Used as a joke. Your shoulders draw in imperceptibly, but Prosciutto - you try and reconcile calling him after the meat - tilts his head to the side.

“Your phone,” he says, holding out a hand. “Let me put my number in, and you can call it for proof. I’m perfectly serious, cara. I’m a man of my word.” He looks at you softly, hand on your waist, and gently helps guide you out of the studio. Most of the other dancers have left by now, and you can see the instructor glancing towards you and clearly waiting for you two to leave too so she can prepare for her next class. Pausing in the corridor, he looks down at you, face perfectly serious. “I don’t know who’s had the nerve to hurt you in the past . . . but I’m not that kind of person.”

You bite your lip, and he shifts closer to you. He’s not incredibly tall, but you’re small enough that the height difference feels pronounced. The hand is soft when he tips your chin up, blue eyes meeting blue eyes. His own are half-lidded, drifting down to your lips (when you’d applied the dark red lipstick marketed as ‘kissproof’ this morning, you hadn’t thought that it was going to be something that was tested!). He leans into you and you find yourself unconsciously rising onto your tiptoes--

The kiss he gives you is almost chaste, save for the slightest nip at your lower lip (you think about the gap between his front teeth and feel like you’re going to melt). Your breath stutters against his, the taste of mint toothpaste and smoke and honey leaving a tingle upon your mouth.

“I’m serious,” he breathes against you, pulling back. “Nine in the evening. Wear something pretty,” his eyes flicker down, caressing the curves of your body in a way that makes you warm all over. “. . . though I don’t doubt you will.”

#nat.txt #self ship postin #writing #this is. self indulgence at its finest.#is this canon? who knows but its Cute Concept #pronat i guess #pronat

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quizmeghan · 3 years

Text

#24

Layers Layer 1: The Basics

Name: meghan Age: 28 Birthday: 16/2 Gender: f Zodiac Sign: aquarius

Layer 2: Your Family

Do you have any brothers or sisters? a sister Do you have any pets? a cat Do you still live with your parents? yeah Do you have any stepparents? nope How many cousins do you have? 6

Layer 3: Your Friends

Who is your best friend? 3 from high school Who have you been friends with the longest? r What do you like to do with your friends? eating, cinema, drinking. i miss it all! Do you have more friends online or in real life? real life What is a good way to make friends with others? i don’t really know

Layer 4: Your Home

Do you live in a home, apartment, duplex, trailer, etc? house How many rooms are there in your house? 4 bedrooms Is your home large or small? i suppose it’s big for the uk? you could probably fit all the bedrooms into one american bedroom though. What is your favorite room in your house, and why? the living room because it’s where i relax. usually i’d say my room, but i work there now lol. Do you prefer having people over to your house, or would you rather go to theirs? going to others

Layer 5: Can You

Can you fold your tongue into the taco shape? yeah! Can you touch your toes without bending your knees? i could but i would hate it Can you tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue? yep Can you hold up your end of a physical fight? i’ve never been in one but i have lots of bottled rage so if i needed to i could tap into that. i don’t like confrontation though so the fight would be over before i even knew it had begun, tbh. Can you do any yo-yo tricks? nope

Layer 6: Who

Who inspires you the most, and why? my mum, she’s super strong Who helps you maintain your sanity? my friends? the internet? Who do you go to most often for advice? my mum probably Who knows you better than you know yourself? again, my mum Who is someone that you would die or put your life on the line for, no questions asked? friends and family

Layer 7: Do you

Do you still eat sandwiches without the crusts? not really Do you typically finish your meal at a restaurant, or need to take a container home? mostly, and unless it’s an almost full meal (which, if you know me, is never), then no i wouldn’t take it home Do you pull an Oreo apart in order to eat it? depends how i feel Do you read a lot of gossip magazines? nah Do you make friends easily? no, i’m too socially awkward and shy. like, shyness used to literally paralyse me, and it still sometimes can

Layer 8: How Many?

How many people live in your house with you? 3 others plus cat How many pets have you had in your lifetime? it’s a bit of a joke in our family but our cat is currently pet #28, and that’s only in my lifetime How many tries does it take you to become successful at something? i don’t really know How many meals do you eat a day? usually 2 meals, sometimes i have breakfast too. i eat a load of shite in between though lol How many people can you honestly tolerate? not a lot. socialising really exhausts me

Layer 9: How

How do you typically get to school or work? pre-covid, work used to be by bus. now i’m on placement it’s walking How do you deal with a breakup? ngl, i’ve never had one. How do you like to help others? i just try and be there or offer help literally every two seconds. probably to the point of annoyance How do you know when you’ve found “the one”? tf if i know How do you sleep in bed? i start off on my front with one leg propped on a pillow and another pillow behind my back but when i’m sleeping i constantly toss and turn

Layer 10: What

What do you think happens when we die? i think it’s a nice thought to think that you learn everything. What do you do if there’s no toilet paper left on the roll and you’re already peeing? shout someone to bring me some What do you eat most often? crisps What toys did you enjoy most as a child? i played with barbie’s a lot i suppose, but i looooved my rollerskates, scooters, bikes, all that stuff What do you do if you witness someone being awful to someone else? i’ve never really witnessed it. once in work customers got into a row and i ran to deal with it but they were done and out of the building before i got there.

Layer 11: Where

Where is your favorite place to eat out? i like wagas, amore, zizzis, fuck at this point i miss spoons Where is the place that has the best ice cream in your area? loop n scoop, although their nutella churos are where it’s at Where did you meet your current or last significant other? n/a Where can you be found at 7 PM. typically? in my room doing uni work or watching netflix Where can you find the best French fries? everywhere is shit for them here, mcdonalds maybe? that’s where the bar is set

Layer 12: When

When did you find out the truth about Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy? i was in p5 with santa, so pretty late lol, the easter bunny was my parents straight-up telling me one morning when i went into their room to tell them the easter bunny hadn’t been. i’d forgotten about that haha When do you typically fall asleep? ooft, recently it’s been like 1-2am, i’ll need to sort that before placement When was the last time that someone paid you a compliment? not sure When do you feel most comfortable? on my own, watching shows When did you last go to the bathroom? maybe about an hour ago

Layer 13: Why

Why do you enjoy taking surveys so much? i just like answering questions Why do people gossip so much? not a clue, it’s beyond me Why can’t humans fly? it’s an outrage at this point, really Why aren’t you doing something else right now? lockdown is very boring, plus i finished my essay (woo!) Why is the sky blue? reflection of the water. i don’t think that’s right, but it sounds smart haha

Layer 14: If…

If you had a million dollars, what would you spend it on? a holiday, a house, a car, pay my parents mortgage If you found out someone was cheating on you, would you ever take them back? never If you found a wallet with cash in the street, including identification, would you turn it in? Why or why not? yeah i would, i’d feel too guilty If you could have any food right now, what would you like? a wagas omg i’ve been craving for months now If you found out that the world was going to end tomorrow, how would you spend your last day? outside with my pals, fuck covid

Layer 15: Firsts

When did you lose your first tooth? idk? Who was your first teacher that you ever had? miss miller and she was FAB When did you first learn how to ride a bike? age 3 or 4 maybe? probably earlier than that knowing me Did your first birthday have a theme to it? no cos it was the 90′s and no one went overboard like they do these days

Layer 16: Lasts

Last person you texted: my sister Last drink you sipped: diet bru Last time you rode a bike: years ago now Last time you swam in a pool: years again Last person you hugged: fuck knows, i’ve not hugged anyone for over a year now. it was probs one of my friends

Layer 17: Favorites

Favorite Color: purple Favorite Season: autumn Favorite Shape: i quite like a circle or a triangle? i’ve never thought about that before Favorite Letter: again, haven’t thought about this either... A? Favorite Number: i like 7 and 11, not sure why

Layer 18: This or That

Pepsi or Coke? pepsi Movies or Television? mmm, depends Phone or Tablet? phone Fruits or Vegetables? i probably eat more vegetables tbh Animals or Humans? neither (but animals)

Layer 19: Which

Which Poke’mon is your favorite? i used to love charmander and pikachu. Which day of the week is your favorite? a friday or saturday Which birthday celebration was the most memorable for you? the one where all time low played the day before my birthday then had an afterparty, and vegas played me into my birthday at midnight. i don’t remember the age, maybe like 23ish? Which holiday is your favorite? christmas then halloween Which shoe do you put on first? i think my right?

Layer 20: Love Life/Relationships

What is the name of your first love? matt willis from busted don’t @ me How many times can you honestly say you’ve been in love? never Have you ever been in a relationship before that was abusive in any way? no Have you ever been engaged or married before? nope Do you have any children? no thank u

Layer 21: Jobs, Dreams, & Goals

What did you want to be when you grew up (as a little kid)? a singer because who didn’t? What do you aspire to be now? What interests you? a teacher, i’m studying, almost there! What is the most recent goal you’ve achieved? i finished my essay a week before hand-in date, if you know me, that deserves a gold medal What is a goal you are still striving to reach? finishing placement and passing Have you ever won any sort of awards before? If so, for what? daft things like staff member of the month (which was ran for one month, smh), awards in school and stuff. nothing big

Layer 22: Opinions & Beliefs

Pro-life or pro-choice? pro-choice! Were you raised with any sort of religious background? If so, then what? no, my mum is catholic and my dad isn’t, and when i was born they decided not to choose my religion for me, and that they would allow me to choose when i grew up if i wanted. i went to a non-denom primary school so we learned about loads of religions (which always stands out in my memory as being so cool), and then i went to a catholic high school, and have volunteered and taught in catholic schools. my mum always jokes that i’m a catholic via osmosis lol. Democrat, Republican, or Independent? i ain’t american so this is confusing For or against the death penalty? honestly, against Thoughts on assisted suicide? i think i’m for it, although i don’t know enough about it

Layer 23: Currently/Today/Present

What day is it? 7th march What’s the weather like outside? raining and 6 degrees, standard What have you eaten? i had steak pie and mash for dinner a few hours ago Did you run any errands? not today What time is it? 22:34

Layer 24: Yesterday

Did you have a work shift? no one has work shifts hahahahahahahaha (help) Did you eat out anywhere? no one’s doing that either Was it snowing? no the snow left a few weeks ago Who did you last say goodnight to? my sister i think? Did anything unusual happen? nope

Layer 25: Tomorrow

Do you have to go to school/class? i have some zoom lectures tomorrow, yeah Does this day have any sort of significance to you? nope What is a chore that needs to get done? nothing Will you hang out with friends? nooooo What time will you be expected to be awake by? 9′s the aim. i haven’t actually checked my class time so it may be earlier than that. pray for me

Layer 26: Have You Ever

Performed a magic trick successfully? yes Sat or laid on a rooftop and looked at the stars? noooo you can’t really see the stars where we are Walked around with your underwear on inside out or backwards all day without realizing it? not underwear, but i once wore my leggings inside out travelling to work and had to change them when i got there. thankfully they look the exact same inside out as they do the right way round lol Touched a snake? yah! Been bitten by an animal? If so, what animal? my cat cos he’s an asshole, but never seriously

Layer 27: School Life

Are preschool and kindergarten mandatory where you live? they’re not mandatory but nursery placements are up to 30(??? - this may be incorrect) hours free from the scottish government for everyone aged 3 plus vulnerable 2′s, so you might as well take advantage of it Were you or anyone you knew homeschooled? nope Did you attend public or private school? ...i never know the difference because are they different in america? public in our sense anyway haha Were you bullied in school, popular, or somewhere in-between? i was bullied. in primary by people who were my friends, in early secondary by idiots, and by late secondary by people who used to be my friends What is the highest level of education that you completed? i have a ba honours and i’m studying for a post-grad just now

Layer 28: Your Appearance

Eye Color: brown Hair Color: also brown Height: 5′2 Weight: last time i was weight it was 69kg but i can GUARANTEE i’ve put on weight Do you have freckles. moles, beauty marks, or birthmarks - and where? some freckles on my face and arms, one on my hip which is my fave thing, a few small freckle-like moles on my neck, no beauty or birth marks

Layer 29: Electronics, Internet, & Social Media

How much time do you spend on the internet per day? literally almost all my waking day Which social media platforms do you belong to? insta, fb, twitter, tumblr, snapchat... mostly use insta When’s the last time you replaced the batteries in your television remote? i don’t think we’ve had to yet Are you more likely to stream movies and shows on your laptop, or cast them to your television? tv when i can but i use my laptop or ipad when i’m in my room Do you have an e-reader, or do you prefer actual books? i do have a kindle but i’ve not used it in years

Layer 30: Are You

Are you still in school? in uni just now Are you a member of the LGBTQ+ community? i’m not Are you looking forward to anything coming soon? hopefully the end of covid, but let’s face it, that’ll only happen if folk STAY HOME (lookin’ at you, rangers fans) Are you dreading anything coming soon? only a little, but my placement starts next week and that’s always daunting Are you gullible or naive? i can be!

Layer 31: Does

Does your workplace make you feel like you can never take a day off without feeling guilty about it? ...yep, this is one thing i will not miss post-covid lol Does someone currently hold the key to your heart? me Does anyone out there hate you? i’ve never given anyone a reason to, but i imagine there are Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? it can do sometimes Does crying make you feel less strong? ehh, sometimes? it’s hard to tell though because i literally cry at everything

Layer 32: Would You

Do the Polar Bear Plunge? i don’t know what this is but the answer is probably no Ever try to walk across a room blindfolded? you mean like the birdbox challenge? also no. although i have played blind man’s bluff when i was younger (it’s probably not called that now though) Swim with sharks? NEVER Go into outer space, given the chance? nooooo Go out in public, looking how you do right now? ahahaha, no, i’m in shorts and a hoodie

Layer 33: Pets/Animals

Do you have any pets? If so, what type, and their names… a cat called smokey If not, what type of pet have you always wanted? n/a What is your favorite animal? i love a giraffe Do you think it is cruel to have circus animals? yeah How often do you walk your dog, if you have one? How often do you scoop the litterbox, if you have a cat? we don’t have to change the litterbox cos he’s an outdoor cat

Layer 34: Food

What is your favorite breakfast item? i need to be in the mood to eat breakfast, but i quite like scrambled or poached eggs (again if i’m in the mood to eat egg, cos sometimes the smell of egg can be off-putting) What is your favorite kind of dessert? i like cheesecake Do you eat all three meals everyday? usually lunch and dinner, sometimes i have breakfast What’s the longest you’ve gone without food? due to surgeries or being sick maybe a couple days, but never because i’ve been out of food, which i realise is incredibly lucky What do you like to eat when you are feeling sick? literally nothing, who can eat when they feel sick? once i start to feel better i start with a slice of toast with the smallest scraping of marg on it then work up to half a tin of tomato soup

Layer 35: Past

Does your past ever come back to haunt you at times? not that i can think of What is one of your favorite memories of the past? literally anything pre-covid at this point What is something that you used to do in the past, but no longer do? go OUTSIDE If you could have a meal with someone from the past, who would it be, and what would you ask them? my gran, just to catch up on the last 14 years Which historical time period would you like to go back to and check out? ohh, i quite like the idea of visiting like, ww1/ww2?

Layer 36: Future

Do you think you will ever get married one day? i’ve always said i wouldn’t get married, but i could probably be talked into getting married. but my only condition would be that we get married IN SECRET then just have a party for friends and family when it’s done. Do you plan on ever getting a different job in the future, or are you happy with the one you’ve got? i’m studying to become a teacher, so fingers crossed by august i’ll be in my dream job What age do you plan to retire at? Or do you plan on working til you’re dead? with the way the retirement age is rising i’ll work myself into a grave haha What is something on your bucket list worth mentioning? uh, idk man, i used to have a load of meaningless shit there, probably just travelling If given the opportunity to see how your future plays out, would you take it, or no? no cos then you’d constantly be worrying about it, or wondering ‘if i make this decision today, will this affect the future?’ like nah who’s got time for that?

Layer 37: Hygiene

How often do you shower? every day mostly, try to wash my hair every second or third day How often do you brush your teeth? twice a day mostly, but always once daily Do you actually iron any of your clothes? only if it needs done or if i’m going somewhere that it matters, like school haha How often do you do laundry? it all gets lumped in together and done daily How long do you use a bath towel before switching it out? ....what is this, are there folk who reuse bath towels?

Layer 38: Clothing, Makeup, & Style

Do you wear nail polish? If so, how often do you paint your nails? i usually get shellac done, either at the salon or i do my own. depends really, but usually every 6-ish weeks How would your describe your sense of style? comfort and casual, unless it’s for school then it’s smart-casual Are there any popular trends that you do not find appealing? cropped everything or cycle shorts and trainers as a night out outfit (???) Where do you typically buy your clothing from? new look, dorothy perkins, primark What sorts of accessories do you wear/use? always earrings, sometimes a necklace/watch/bracelet/rings

Layer 39: Hobbies

Do you still color, even as an adult? yah yah i have a disney colouring book that’s amazing, but i’ve not used it in a while Do you/would you like to crochet, knit, cross-stitch, etc? i don’t have the patience for that. weird that i have it for colouring right enough What’s the last thing you crafted all by yourself? i made a very hungry caterpillar for uni a few months ago Do you use Pinterest at all? i do have it but don’t use it now. might have to create a new one for school though What’s the last thing that you cooked or baked? i cooked dinner a couple nights ago

Layer 40: Dislikes

List some of your pet peeves here. chewing with your mouth open who RAISED you people? What are some things that annoy you about yourself? how long you got? Is there anyone out there who you actually hate? Who? y e s What is a feeling that you dislike? feeling sick, i cannot cope with feeling sick Do you get some ugly road rage while driving? sometimes i can get frustrated but nothing like i’ve seen others like

Layer 41: Random

Have you ever successfully pogo’ed on a pogo stick? yesss, used to love my pogo stick Have you ever mastered the jump rope? i used to be quite good when i was younger, nothing fancy though Do you know what it feels like to be truly happy? i think so? Is it winter in your part of the world right now? yes yes What’s your favorite type of survey, and why? i don’t think i have a favourite? sometimes this or that ones can be good

Layer 42: Music

What are some of your favorite genres of music? pop punk mostly, i like a bit of pop too What are some music genres that you can’t stand? COUNTRY If you had a blank pair of concert tickets, who would you hope to be going to see? all time low, 5sos or mcfly, as those were concerts that have all been postponed for me, wahhhh Do you still listen to music on the radio from time to time? i only really listen to the radio in the car on short journeys iTunes, Spotify, Pandora, Amazon Music, or YouTube? apple music

Layer 43: Books

What were some of your favorite books as a child? i liked jacqueline wilson books. obviously harry potter books What genre of books do you typically read most often? mostly crime thriller or young adult and there’s literally nothing in between What are some of your favorite books as an adult? hp, karen rose or tess gerritsen books are quite good, divergent books were also alright What is a book that you were required to read for school that you actually enjoyed? none, i HATED english. we also only done plays or poems, we didn’t do novels. talk about teaching to the test lol Do you read any newspapers or magazines anymore? i haven’t read magazines since i was a teen, or newspapers either because we were forced to read broadsheets in english.

Layer 43: Around the World

Where’s the best place you’ve taken a vacation and/or day trip to? DISNEYWORLD Where is somewhere that you’d like to go someday, assuming you have the funds to do so? literally disneyworld again, i don’t even care, i would move there Where do your family members originate from? we’re all scottish, ancestors at some point are irish What is your favorite type of cuisine? italian probably What is something that is typically representative of your own culture? irn bru, bagpipes, ginger hair, kilts, haggis, and ceilidhs..... that’s a very stereotypical answer

Layer 44: Would you Rather…

Drink apple juice or grape juice? apple Wear pants or shorts? shorts for comfies (indoor), jeans for comfies (outdoor) Be taller or shorter? taller Go to a zoo or an aquarium? zoo Visit an art gallery or a museum? museum

Layer 45: Movies

Do you remember what the first movie was that you saw in theaters? i don’t remember seeing it, but i know it was disney’s 101 dalmatians What are some of your favorite movies you’ve seen? this is a bad question for me cos i like loads of movies. we recently watched all the divergent’s so they popped into my head. i also love easy a. harry potter if that wasn’t obvious. mcu movies. i like a lot of films haha What genre of movie do you typically enjoy? i like some superhero, comedies usually, some horror/thriller, romcoms if i’m in the mood, although i’ve been known to watch movies for certain actors, so... What is a movie you’ve seen that you weren’t expecting to like, but were pleasantly surprised? i was forced to watch the new star wars movies (i will not watch the old ones), and i actually quite enjoyed those How many movies do you own? Are they all DVD’s, or do you still have some VHS ones left? i have loads of dvd’s but they’re all in the garage now that i have netflix and disney+ haha

Layer 46: Personality

Are you more of an introvert or an extrovert? introvert Are you more easygoing and laid back, or anal? really, i think i’m pretty anal about certain things and the opposite with others. also depends on the day you get me, but mostly i’d say anal Are you kind to everyone who shows that they deserve kindness? i’m kind to everyone. unless you approach me in a club then you can gtfo Describe your sense of humor. it’s dark and it’s self-depreciating and it’s brilliant Do you tend to over-share? sometimes?

Layer 47: Celebrities

Which celebrity has given their child the most unique name, in your opinion? by unique i assume you mean stupid, and if the answer isn’t elon musk i- Are there any celebrities that you keep tabs on/read articles about often? alex gaskarth or anything atl related really, sometimes dylan o’brien. really if i hear something about someone i just look it up Who is/are your celebrity crush(es)? alex gaskarth or dylan o’brien Have you ever personally met someone famous before? If so, then who? all time low, james mcavoy, frankie boyle, limmy Who is a celebrity that you’re getting tired of hearing about all the time? meghan markle

Layer 48: Emotions

When was the last time you cried? this morning at the credits of a movie that i did not watch. see what i mean about crying at everything? What are some things that you’re afraid of? sharks, oceans, fire, clowns, losing parents What is something small that makes you happy? not setting an alarm Who is the last person that you were angry with, and about what? um, rangers fans for breaking covid restrictions lol. this is what my life is now Are you typically a shy or outgoing person? shy shy shy remember the crippling shyness?

Layer 49: Digging Deeper

What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? gin and lemonade, vodka soda lime, or a small amount of fruit cider How old were you when you got drunk for the first time? 16 Do you smoke? noooo Have you ever taken and sent naked pictures of yourself? yeah Have you ever done any drugs other than marijuana? If so, which ones? naw

Layer 50: Games

What are some of your favorite video games? i don’t really play video games Do you have any computer games that you play regularly? nope What was your favorite board game, growing up? i liked cluedo, and also i had a harry potter version of cleudo which was brilliant and so much better How about your favorite card game? i only know switch and go fish haha How good are you at solving puzzles? (such as a Rubik’s cube, word puzzles, or putting together a jigsaw puzzle) jigsaws are okay but sometimes i get bored, anything else i’m rubbish at

[ohsh1t2wksl8]

#24 #quiz #survey #source:tumblr

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