#and im also like. going through do much emotional turmoil too | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dr3amofagame · 3 months

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ctechno was not the nice dude everyone wants him to be

oooh interesting take lmao. im gonna insert a courtesy "c!techno is generally a good person and does good" disclaimer bc like, c!techno is generally a good person that does good and cares about people and gets ridiculous amounts of hates for stupid things all the damn time, for the record, but also ... i cant say i dont get what you mean in part?

i think there's a phenomenon with c!techno sometimes where people can make him either too much of a paragon or strip him of too much agency in a way that's weird to me. i mean like, "he's canonically 3 years old" jokes aside, this guy isn't someone whos just doomed to be taken advantage of everyone unless they "respect his boundaries 🥺🙏" and can't assert himself at all and whatever, yknow? like, he can AND DOES assert himself when he thinks it's necessary. he can AND DOES act like an asshole sometimes!

like c!techno is a full, well-rounded character. he gets too angry sometimes and does shit he regrets. he has to make efforts to change. he has feelings, he gets hurt, he lashes out. he's too dismissive sometimes because he copes with shit through humor. he isn't perfect, and that's ... a good thing? it's a good thing that he's a full well rounded interesting character with flaws. but at the same time, pointing out said flaws and treating them as flaws isn't damnation!

like, for example, right, it's perfectly understandable for him to feel used and betrayed by c!tommy. was he also kinda mean to c!tommy in the aftermath in a way that can be pointed out? i mean. yeah of course! and like, of course he was grieving and hurt and in a lot of emotional pain when c!ranboo died and did that probably play into his attitude towards c!dream post-prison break? absolutely! was stripping a guy that is literally being chased down by his literal torturers and a server of people who want to kill him of his armor and telling him he can keep a weapon For A Favor and then going "awwh we didnt get him to use his necromancy powers :/" absolutely still kind of a generally asshole-y thing to do? i mean, YEAH ???? like, if they werent doing that bc of some kind of plan, that was still kind of a jerk thing to do? in a way that's very understandable, because c!techno is a character that becomes more of a jerk when he's stressed and in emotional turmoil. and this isnt about damning him or condemning him ... but i don't see the point of erasing said moments either.

shrug anyway i think c!techno overall was a pretty damn nice dude and a good guy and im kind of trusting that u dont mean this in the same way as certain c!techno takes ive seen back in the day that felt like crucifying him every time he made a joke that broke the fourth wall aSKFJLasf. c!techno should've been meaner, actually, for the record. and it's so awesome that he put c!sam in a prison and cask of amontillado'd that guy, GOD BLESS

#my asks !!#dsmp hot takes #uhhh idk should i tag c!techno critical ?#ill do it but i dont think im being critical AJKLSFJASL he's a good guy he's also like. a guy and not a perfect paragon #disk horse #c!techno critical

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katiifaetarot · 3 months

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Hello friends, beings, and starlights! this is my second tarot reading here on tumblr! Im new to the tarot community (at least on this specific platform) and would like to help guide, give honest/TRUTHFUL advice, and be a safe space for anyone + everyone who feels safe here! 🧚🏽‍♀️✨️

My goals/intentions are always to help others through my experience, to teach/guide them to work on themselves, and encourage them to find the strength, courage, discipline, and honest wisdom within themselves, without looking for outside validation! ♡♡♡

** I AM NOT A MEDICAL OR HEALTH PROFESSIONAL; PLEASE USE YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT AND DISCERNMENT TO DETERMINE IF YOU NEED OR WANT TO SEEK PROPER HELP OR TREATMENTS FOR YOURSELF OUTSIDE OF TUMBLR OR SOCIAL MEDIA!!

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This second reading is just an easy, breezy, maybe a bit HEAVY for some; what you need to hear // whatever else comes through while I channel! ( again ) ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

There are 4 piles and you will be picking through angel #'s that are right below this text! Feel free to look at the specific photos for each pile if you feel called too!

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✨️🧚🏽‍♀️please choose your pile and may your intuition and inner knowing guide you to the pile with the energy most suited for you and most suited to help you along your path at this current point in time, no matter what that looks like🧚🏽‍♀️✨️

PILE 1- 555

PILE 2- 666

PILE 3- 777

PILE 4- 888

** sometimes ( most of the time ) i will pick up on multiple energies that need attention or want to be expressed during the reading so i ASK YOU TO UNDERSTAND THIS DURING MY READINGS:

** depending on how the reader (YOU) chooses to look at the situation or however the situation resonates for the reader (YOU) and because this is a general reading;

⚠️you HAVE to be able to use your better discernment + better judgement skills to fully absorb the message and be able to do the necessary work to keep you on track for the future you WANT for yourself⚠️

🧿im not a fortune teller,

i am an energy reader.🧿

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OKAY PILE 1:

You're definitely going through some sort of gnarly OR fitting + VERY much needed rebirth; and depending on how the reader is choosing to look at this new beginning, its either a solid effort on accepting this reality and accepting you dont know everything OR you're wallowing and taking the stance of the victim. both are valid. but the 2nd perspective must change at some point......when you're ready.

This rebirth is happening inside and outside of yourself, and its causing disharmony, chaos, painful changes, and no BullSht; EMOTIONAL DAMAGE!! but also.....its creating new ideas, new inspiration, new LIFE!! figuratively OR literally(👀).

Its helping you adapt to lifes twists, turns, and all the windy messes in between. This isnt supposed to be a comforting message.....but its also not meant to scare you either. This message is about acceptance.

Accept and celebrate how far you've come but accept and acknowledge your mistakes and missteps, identifying how to move better or correctly for next time. Accept things as they are now but accept the emotional turmoil that may come along with that. Accept the missed opportunities but PLEASE also accept that there is better for you, out there, somewhere, I PROMISE!!

This specific rebirth is happening in your life, at this specific time because its trying to get you to SHED all the outgrown aspects of your life so you are more able to see the life that you deserve and go after your dreams/plans/goals in a more confident, conscious, considerate, aware, authentic, healthy, and ((all that good stuff)) , WAY!!!

It'll take some time, some tears, hardwork, determination, mental fortitude, faith, and trust....but YOU believe in YOU, and I believe in YOU!! so start living again, in ways that make sense to you. Feel right to you.

think of yourself as emerging from the womb again: make up your life however you want without fear, this will lead you down a path of self discovery and hearty lessons to help you grow and change, but stay steady in who you are no matter what!

powerful stuff pile 1, but to encounter new growth, better situations, and more understanding within yourselves; you need to prepare yourself to let go of rotted wood, garbage, or dead weight in your current foundations or perspectives.

abandon the old schemes and everything that no longer belongs to you and overcome the challenges of transformation and rebirth.

xtra signs or confirmations + advice:

•realizing // focusing on the repeating cycles,patterns,lessons, etc currently in your life.

•facing your shadows and calling judgement upon yourself + sitting in the uncomfortableness that comes along with life.

•not being afraid or affected by outside noise or other peoples perceptions of you anymore.

•take risks again! try and make yourself smile, widen your world view, stop and appreciate whats around you, something new is coming, expect the best and it will happen!

•pluto,mushrooms,scorpio energy,rebirth,healing,TRANSFORMATION,finding your voice, change your old ways.

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OKAY PILE 2:

HEAVY @ s$ energy. and im sorry for any betrayal felt on your part from this ending im CLEARLY picking up on. I hope you know how possible it is to move on, let go, release whatever or whoever, and just BREATHE AGAIN. I feel sick to my stomach but relieved, hurt but okay, numb but faintly hopeful for my future.....its very faint, but the emotion is there.

You've been through it and im sorry pile 2, i hope you know the more you keep pushing and getting over this percieved setback and/or tough loss that has occurred, the stronger you'll be because of it. You're going to learn such a valuabe lesson from this or you might of already learned that lesson, but either way you deserve better.....and frankly, MORE!

SO DONT BE AFRAID TO ASK // GIVE YOURSELF WHAT YOU WANT AND KNOW YOU DESERVE!! NO ONE SHOULD MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A BURDEN OR LIKE YOU ARENT GOOD ENOUGH TO GO AFTER WHAT YOU WANT// NEED FOR YOURSELF!! AND IF THEY DO, THEN CUT THEM OFFFFFFFF!!!

The big message here is to let that which must fall away, ACTUALLY FALL AWAY, and find balance between your desires and the people around you.

dont get so caught up in the what ifs, just do what feels right and speaks to your heart + listen and make decisions that your higher self would be proud of, prove your worth to yourself, NOT some else.

pile2, this is a tough message but straight-forward too. Let go, move on, heal, grow, learn,change + this process looks and feels different to everyone so whatever works 4u, lean into that!!

xtra signs or confirmations + advice:

•review your life by asking YOURSELF questions that might trigger a heartfelt response from you!!

•reclaim your power, meditate, learn about yourself, reparent yourself, help yourself and save yourself, no ones coming to help OR save you.

• "people come to see us for a reason, or sometimes just a season", focus on yourself for awhile.

• dont underrate yourself, build your confidence up, air sign sun, capricorn energy, Jupiter influence in chart, looking into the age of aquarius recently, air sign energy, astrologer or HIGHLY interested in astrology.

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OKAY PILE 3:

pile 3, you might hate hearing this but YOU GUYS ARE STRONG, RESILIENT, DETERMINED, STUBBORN, AND A HUGE ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF AND THATS HONESTLY SO INSPIRING AND ADMIRABLE!!!

which is why I must also say; you have to start taking responsibility for your own life and your own choices!! You're doing just fine standing in your power, but sometimes impulsiveness gets the better of you. And theres nothing wrong with that!!! But be careful, and ask for help when needed! Everything in moderation is always good. and that is very sound, safe, + solid advice.

life can feel like a confusing but interconnected web at times, but eventually you'll meet other people with similar expirences + ideas so even if it feels empty or lonely or confusing now, you're on the right path to find that support and stability you crave + the assistance and advice or guidance needed to help keep you straight! do not fear or worry, you're doing just fine.

ultimately the message is: when you finally realize, accept, and integrate the belief or truth that you are the engineer of your own life, you'll start to see better results and start moving your @ s$ to make better choices for your future + yourself. dont be inactive too long or you might risk losing a few good opportunities, that doesnt mean leap before you're ready, but that DOES mean doing the work NOW so you catch the good, stable, solid opportunities when they come sooner!

only you have the answers to what it is you truly want so start being honest with yourself and LAYING THE PROPER FOUNDATIONS FOR YOUR FUTURE!!!!

xtra signs or confirmations + advice:

•libra energy, venus placements, balancing of situations, the unseen is working behind the scenes, protect your ideas + your desires, be hopeful but stay realistic, logic vs emotion, listen to your heart, ignore your fears

•pray if you trust in something bigger than you!

•your gaining a sense of YOUR reality and its giving you a sense of responsibility so act on this accordingly and take this as an opportunity to learn + grow

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OKAY PILE 4:

daammn your message came out quick and fast : there's highs AND lows in life, dont get caught up in either extreme. This reality of life is a fact, nothing you can change, so you must change your response to this reality of life.

There's sunshine+rainbows and There's darkness+shadows. There's beautiful duality everywhere. There's clear vision and There's confused outlook. What perspective do you see right now? Either is okay and Either is tremendously valid.

Believing in yourself and your dreams is hard when nobody is paying attention to your efforts or maybe commending you for your little and big wins through the process. BUT when the results do come....when the fruit is finally ready to be picked.....it feels that much more rewarding when you can look back and say " I did it. "

Stay committed towards your dreams and move forward with confidence, IN SPITE of the negativity and other things being thrown your way. Stay hopeful and optimistic. Even if its hard! Stay grateful too!! Find the light at the end of tunnel to make things easier for yourself!

You have the ability to see what others tend to miss so use this to sniff out people who are NOT on your side or maybe using you in some way!! Dont let yourself lose integrity over something stupid, walk-away when you must, to avoid any conflicts later!

xtra signs or confirmations + advice:

•4, stability, 444, strong foundations being built, cancer, leo, sun or moon placements, nurturing your mind, body, spirit.

•go steady and at a comfortable pace, ignore outside negativity, take in constructive advice, learn to control your reactions.

•you are a human with needs, wants, desires....dont be afraid to go after them!___________________________________________

I sincerely hope you received what you needed and released what you don't !! See you again soon!! Take it easyyy and just breathe and fllooowwww!!! you got this! byyeee~🧚🏽‍♀️✨️

**please let me know how I'm doing in any way you can! that is the easiest way to support me and also a good way to signal to me that I should keep going + any helpful advice from the community would be welcomed and appreciated 🥺 🥹 🙏🏼

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⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️

**ONCE AGAIN, I AM NOT A MEDICAL OR HEALTH PROFESSIONAL; PLEASE USE YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT AND DISCERNMENT TO DETERMINE IF YOU NEED OR WANT TO SEEK PROPER HELP OR TREATMENTS FOR YOURSELF OUTSIDE OF TUMBLR OR SOCIAL MEDIA!!

⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️

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im-coolrat · 28 days

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SPOILERS FOR THE NEW ALEX AUDIO!!

SO THAT WAS ALL A DREAM RIGHT??? Okay but when he said “Fuck, you don’t know how beautiful you are, do you?” 0///0 anyways IT WAS SO GOING WELL. WE WERE HAVING A NICE LIL PICNIC DATE UNTIL WE WEREN’T. We just HAD to bring up Natalie didn’t we. I actually hated how fast and broad the mood change. The amount of dread that washed over me. I hate how much I love that part. My jaw was on the ground when Alex was explaining how they followed him when he was taking pictures of Natalie. And when he said he pulled away from Natalie and explained he had a partner he loved I was so emotional (I’m saying emotional because I was feeling so much in that moment I didn’t even know what I was feeling) and then when we rounded back to the ‘right person’ thing I just- AAAAHSVDUAJWBDHDOWMSDBFHWOWOW- y’know? I actually hate when we go back to that. But I also love the conflict and angst of it. BUT WHEN HE SWITCHED IT UP AND SAID “Am I the right person?” I-

I actually had to sit down on the ground and hug my legs…. I was going through it. Holyyyy- So did he stay in London orrr no? Because it was a dream, right? Was the date setting before the argument? Like, was it a memory? Because we already now this was after the argument but was the dream setting before the argument or was it just what the brain making something up like a normal dream? Did the date actually ever happen? And the way he talked to them was so sweet :( You could just hear in his tone how much he loved them. And then the change to a more dreadful tone. His tone made me feel so sad and guilty. And him explaining what happened with him and Natalie. “And what did I do?….mhm. I backed away, immediately. Told her we were just colleagues and that I wasn’t interested. Told her I had a partner I was in love with.” “No, you wouldn’t really know, what we talked about after I shut her down. You left before you could. So your just filling in the gaps, as usual. Filling it with the worst thought. Those thoughts never left you. But I did.” “The right person. Are you the right person?” MY HEART STOPPED. MY JAW DROPPED. I WAS PACING AROUND. “I’ll ask you again. Are you the right person?” At this point I was on the verge of tears and ready to call my non-existent therapist “… well, seeing as your obviously conflicted. I’ll ask this instead. Am I the right person?” NOW IM CONFLICTED. I WAS IN SHOCK AND AW. I WAS FROZEN. I WAS FLABBERGASTED. I WAS GOING THROUGH SO MUCH EMOTIONAL TURMOIL. I HAD JUST WOKEN UP AND ALREADY GOING ON THROUGH SO MUCH EMOTIONAL TURMOIL. Or maybe that was all their imagination and all that never really happened. Maybe his explanation was false and it was just them trying to think maybe that’s what did happen. But my god how much I relate to them(for better or worse). Like, I feel like I would have the exact same thoughts as they did. I feel like I would have also approached this situation the same way. Because being cheated on and losing trust in everyone for so long, but then trusting one person with all of you. I feel like they realized they trusted him with all of them and it scared them. Because it would scare me. Everything going so well it seemed perfect, a little too perfect. And then the thoughts start to flood the mind. And everything goes to shit. Or maybe I’m just projecting, idk! But.….umm…yeah… 10/10 would watch again! :D

(DAMN This is long…. My bad)

#sakuverse #alex zsakuva #zsakuva #I keep adding to this my bad #and i will continue to do so

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mc-park · 2 years

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xiao fanfic idea (based on the 2.7 chasm quest)

REQUESTING FOR ANY BORED GENSHIN WRITERS TO WRITE THIS!!!

hello i dont have any energy to rewrite all my fanfiction ideas for this quest bc i made this long ass post abt it in detail but it didnt save and now i feel so hollow and numb. im going through every stage of grief right now, currently at stage 4, depressed.

all i ask is for xiao chasm content. please. i beg. SOMEONE, LITERALLY ANYONE PLEASE MAKE XIAO FOUND FAMILY CONTENT

and then put him through an indescribable amount of pain and turmoil as he fails to accept his yaksha friends are dead and faces the slow realization he has no family, other than zhongli, left.

please help me relieve some of this pain by reblogging or tagging your favorite writers in the comments and writing down your xiao x reader chasm ideas (also in the comments) for their inspiration ...ill join too once im done crying over all of my work disappearing

for now i'll just share a few of my daydreams at its most basic level and hope to god somewhere in the world a genshin writer will take this idea and bring it to life

(2.7 spoilers utc)

yaksha found family + reader witnessing all of it, being an outsider as another weaker yaksha.

where you, unaware of the suffering and pain that comes with the responsibility of being one of the five yakshas, hope to get an ounce of understanding for them like they do with one another, hoping to be part of what seems like a "family."

yearning to gain even a bit of that familial warmth, you glance over to observe them on the sidelines and smile at the sounds of their contagious laughter directed at xiao's now fully-painted face.

as years pass by, you watch in horror as each yaksha slowly succumbs to the darkness of their karma one by one, never returning to that bright family dynamic they forgot about.

finally, when xiao, the youngest of all of them, the only one remaining, tries to recover from the loss of valiant warriors he considered his siblings, you console him, experiencing a pain similar to his. both of you support one another awaiting the day you can reunite with the rest of the yakshas again.

this can really extend as much as it wants to starting off w wholesome shenanigans and then angst to possible hurt comfort or just you and xiao wailing in pain together. i love a good slow burn so thats my personal request, like each paragraph written above can be extended to a whole post and split up into a whole series, but really its up to whoever wants to take up my challenge to make it however they want.

xiao and reader dynamic:

in this case i feel like xiao bonds with reader where they feel this mutual emptiness but in different kinds of ways.

you feel alone in the world, you feel excluded from the rest of the yakshas, you long for something you don't have and haven't had in a long time, for that bond that effortlessly ties the five yakshas together. despite being surrounded by so many people you constantly feel like not one of them understands.

you want to be with anyone as long as it's someone. but you have no one. there are so many thoughts, feelings and emotions but there's no one to share them with no one who cares enough to listen. you wish for what the yaksha's have, the family they built on their mutual suffering and joys, where they all understand each others pain because they all share the same experiences.

you feel like no matter how kind or nice or strong and heroic you are or can train to be nobody thinks to call or ask anything of you, its this numbing feeling that prods in your chest at the loneliest and quietest of days, it's not like they're outwardly avoiding you, quite the opposite. they tell you to join, but however close you are to them you still feel distant, and when you part for your more meagre duties compared to their wider scale dangerous tasks, the rift between you and the family increases.

you don't feel upset, nor do you feel hurt, if anything you feel acceptance. it's normal. at times you feel gratitude; a warm feeling bubbling inside whenever they come to talk to you. happiness; whenever you see their doting towards one another, their dumb pranks and stupid jokes.

as an outsider, a weaker yaksha, you watch the adepti you've looked up to for so long from a distance and internally relish in the joy of their shared happiness.

whereas xiao is longing for something he's had before but can't do anything to get back, its this feeling of hopelessness and this agonizing need to go back to how things were, how he was before. he's distraught with the frustration and regret of not being able to get back what was lost and never being able to experience anything similar to it again. its sporadic. sudden. when the yaksha's slowly disappear, after years of investing in them from afar you end up feeling this way too, this same hole in your chest, this unshakable itch at the back of your mind that won't go away. the bond that you hoped to join, the joy you've observed for so long and the happiness you secretly chewed off of no longer exists.

now that you and xiao are the last yaksha left, perhaps you can form a new bond over your losses together.

THIS IS JUST FOR INSPO ON HOW TO WRITE THEM BTW!! do it literally however u want i just thought this would be really cool and emotional to write cuz like theres readers loneliness built up over the years and then theres xiaos mourning and that sudden period of grief and then the awkward sort of mutual sadness they feel in the end

family dynamic inspo:

xiao being the temperamental, more self centered youngest and bosacius acting as the more protective self-sacrificing eldest brother. followed by indarius (pyro yaksha) the second oldest almost mom-like, bubbly and loud friend, the walmart zhongli as the mediator, calm middle child and bonanus (hydro yaksha) as the second youngest, possessing a more timid, polite and shy aura.

a sample of how he may feel:

and when xiao is left alone, he tries to remember all his happiest memories with each of his friends. he longs for them, he longs for the past so much that it hurts. he wants to be his old self, to get rid of this aching loneliness but as each happy memory flashes by, he spirals into a deeper pit of sadness and activates this haunting feeling in his heart that feels like something is missing. recounting the memories of his loved ones, he swears that this will never happen to anyone close to him again. even at the cost of his own life. in the midst of his vulnerability, he unknowingly engrains that very same savior complex his leader, no, his brother bosacius once had.

---

im sorry if there are grammar mistakes and stuff i rushed this really short idea bc i was busy trying to remember what i wrote before tumblr decided to reload and DELETE all of my work just bc it was in a silly goofy mood

ANYWAY SOMEONE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE A FIC ABT THIS PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I WANT SOME OF THAT JUICY JUICY JUICY DELICIOUS LORE

STARVED XIAO LOVERS UNITE! PLEASE TAG ALL OF THE GENSHIN WRITERS YOU LOVE AND BOUNCE OFF OTHER IDEAS, NOT JUST THIS ONE, IN THE COMMENTS!!

or reblog if you want to see someone make this themselves.

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orbees · 6 months

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i was talking about ocs & crying w/ steb more specifically what kinda criers they are and i wanted 2 expand on it so here we go

if i had to put it on a scale.....

< never cries| vega - kitty - elora - arahana - vicente |always crying>

arahana: wears her heart on her sleeve much to her chagrin. has Big Emotions and cries A lot. is not even a little subtle about it. she use to get rly angry & upset doing it in front of others bc she rly had it instilled into her that its a form of weakness but shes trying to Embrace her emotions more. but its still a struggle. shes also prone to downplaying it a lot like trying to grin through it

elora: is much less of a crier than arahana is, shes more the type to Get Angry than to cry but it Happens. usually in private. ive already said arahana hates crying in front of others but elora is on a TOTALLY different level she absolutely cant STAND letting others see her cry. she tries very hard to come off as Unbothered by everything. untouchable. but not even in a 'im strong' way really, more like 'I JUST DONT CARE LOL'. eloras the type to literally Run before letting others see her cry.

vicente: literally The Crier of my oc roster. he cries. a lot. VERY loud and messy crier. very panicky crier too. he gets embarrassed when it happens in front of others but also has some Acceptance? of it as an inevitability bc just how Often it happens. when he Really gets going he tends to clam up bc he gets so overwhelmed w/ emotion

kitty: shes always been a leader, someone who stands out, and w/ that, shes always aimed to be someone who is cool and collected in the face of turmoil. so emotional control is something shes Developed, so she doesnt rly Cry A lot. shes a bit similar to elora in that she tends to get Angry rather than upset, but unlike elora she doesnt have a whole Complex if someone sees her crying. kittys the kind of person who tries to play the cards where they land so shed try to Spin it to her advantage in some way. shes always concerned w/ appearances so shes a very reserved crier.

vega: very much an Emotional Brick Wall, not rly in touch w/ her emotions and tends to either shove it back down or drown it out. so its Very rare for her but when it does oh MAN it all just comes out. is a Very explosive crier in that way.

#oc posting #oc: vicente #oc: arahana #oc: elora #elias is not included bc well. you'll see :)#oc: vega #oc: kitty

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natsmagi · 1 year

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(future au anon) OKAY BE READY BC IT'S VERY ANGSTY me and my friend loves angst wayy too much lol

So uh first of all tw suicide :')

Yeah hum i guess you can guess where it went with that

Basically Tsumugi unalived himself yeah-

Which traumatized Natsume and their daughter, Marisa (i was the one who made her!) pretty hard and now they're suuuper overprotective of eachother in fear anything happens to the others like calling each other VERY often Marisa would even get late to practice sometimes (bc ofc most kids are idols too and with time we decided ES accepted girls and other genders too) and Marisa often sleep at home too instead of the ES dorms and like if Anything remotely bad happens to his daughter Natsume would go MAD

It also affected Marisa personality a lot since she was pretty young when that happened so now she's SUPER parano and anxious about her loved ones wellbeing and like she would cling to her friends a lot and always ask them if they're okay bc she always worries they ever..you know. Do what Tsumugi did

Also Marisa is a big nerd (is that the term) she's super into books, animes/mangas, games and such and also a looot into the magic stuff her dad does teehee she also likes drawing and i like to imagine she's the one designing her unit clothes

ANYWAY but its time i actually explain why Tsumugi did what he did. So uh very basically me and my friend decided Eichi died of his illness to give the Wataei family angst which well ended with ES in a MESS since Eichi is like. An important figure in it yk. And so Tsumugi as he now became President of NewDi OR WHATEVER YOU CALL IT got super stressed and pressured with stuff (also grief of Eichi dying) and also with time the idol industry became much more strict and uh. Overworking? Idk how to explain but uh yeah all that was just too much for poor Mugi

It might be ooc idk,,but i decided to not have any mercy to the Eccentrics in this au (i mean do we have mercy on anyone really) and so uh oopsies Natsume i took ur husband away

Damn i ended up rambling a lot sorry i got excited,,i love this au i lot i would love to tell u more if ur ever interested?? :')

IM ??????? WELL THAT WAS NOT WHAT I WAS EXPECTING THATS FOR SURE

BUT IT IS A REALLY INTERESTING PREMISE........ im not the angstiest guy myself sorry im a big fan of happiness and joy and love but id say this is a very good foundation for the story ur telling from what im hearing !! and given the circumstances of everything i can see these events taking place....... BUT I CANT STOP THINKING ABT THE EMOTIONAL TURMOIL NATSUME WOULD GO THROUGH. like given everything theyve been through, all their promises together, baby tsumugi vowing "lets become happy together, you and me" to natsume-chan when they were kids, now even forming a family together, thinking theyve gotten their happy ending, only for the man he loves to then take his own life due to stress and anguish. im very fixated on the feeling of "i wasnt enough/i didnt do enough" natsume would be suffering through. the amount of regret he'd face. maybe wishing he'd been nicer to tsumugi. had put in more effort. given him a stronger sense of love and security while he had the chance, but now hes gone and the only memory he has left of him is marisa. This au sure is getting the brain juices pumping THATS FOR SURE

#cw suicide #AND YOU CAN TELL ME MORE IF YOU WANT TO IT SOUNDS INTERESTING!!#again though i love my angst with a happy ending if anything. gotta have the pain be worth it in the end for me #that said though anything can work so long as the premise is good and u DO have a solid one......... u should definitely expand on it!!!#ask

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icripod · 2 years

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MLB SEASON 5 BIBLE SPOILERS/LEAKS!!

dont read if u don’t want to be spoiled!! im letting everything out after the cut!

okay so. curiosity got the best of me and i decided to read the bible. it was really easy to get my hands on so for those who want to avoid it, be extra cautious.

but boy am i glad that i read it now instead of having everything be a surprise at the end because i know i would have been disappointed. to start off, the most important and interesting aspects of the show such as chat blanc, the sentimonster theory, and the emilie/agreste backstory were not mentioned at all. the bible was a little vague, but not so much as to completely gloss over these parts!! makes me think they’re not going to touch on any of it at all.

the big deal about the agreste backstory and agreste “kitchen” were literally no where to be found, too. i know bibles are just outlines of what’s to come, but the bibles for the previous seasons included basically everything that had happened! i guess im a little hopeful, this means not EVERYTHING has been spoiled for season 5. either that or…they’re just dropping the idea entirely.

also can we talk about adrien never finding out his father is hawkmoth???? that’s INSANE. like absolutely disappointing and terrible writing. i hate to be harsh but honestly, who pitched this idea?? and who AGREED?? 99% of the fanfic i (and probably the rest of the fandom) consume is adrien finding out about hawkmoth being his father, and the emotional turmoil that comes after. AND maribug being by his side for it all!! the show is really pushing the idea of “you and me against the world” in the 5th and, what feels like, the final season. but how do they think they can execute this idea if maribug is going to keep such a big secret from him?? and yes— if your reading this out of context, mari will know gabriels identity and never tell adrien (adrien was not at the scene when it happened.)

and it seems the writers are taking the adrienette route in the romance department, but i was really hoping ladynoir would get together first :( they’ve definitely been through more together as superheroes, and i feel like it would really tie the idea of them against the world. & chat noir constantly saying he’d wait as long as it takes for ladybug to love him back, but then moving on to marinette, just makes his love for her cheesy and empty. that’s just me though, maybe im too much of a ladynoir lover. i feel like adrienette doesn’t really have much to offer. it’s too boring, if im being blunt.

another thing. im not a fan of zoe wielding the cat miraculous. alya with the ladybug miraculous— yes, i understand. zoe with the cat?? to give a secondary character who just joined the show in the fourth season the most powerful miraculous really waters down its importance to me. to wield a miraculous, it was established that u had to prove yourself, that u had to earn it (as alya had proven.) unless zoe does something insane before the mid season episode, i don’t like the idea very much.

i don’t want to rant too much about this because i have a lot to talk about. but I will say that im a little bit disappointed. the only thing that shocked me was marinette combining the cat and ladybug miraculous, and adrien never finding out his father is hawkmoth :( everything else, even the cliffhanger and all the lila drama, i didn’t really care for. in hindsight it all sounds pretty solid but i already KNOW the execution is going to be bad so for that, im bummed.

#miraculous ladybug #ladynoir #chat blanc #mlb #ml season 5 #ml bible leak #ml bible spoilers #sorry for the rant

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1kook · 2 years

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hiiii i hope ur well i hate asking bc i don’t want u to think i am complaining or begging (i am kinda begging, hands and knees) or anyth i kno u were on a break and as u should <33 well deserved, good break !!! but but but i have to ask … abt …. Born Sinner …. *hides* im sorry i just miss church boy n just was wondering if u ever … like see in the future urself updating it again im sorry i had to ask ok ok i love u i love ur mind i love ur works and i love born sinner sm if u ever update again or not it’s rly one of my fav works evr and i think abt it all the time . Ur mind is just that amazing ok okok i love u n hope ur well n happy and i wish u the best yami :* 💗🫶🏻💗🫶🏻 ilyyyy

🫶🏻😎 hi hello thanks for ur kind words!! long answer + answers for zoom jk as well just cuz, not cut bc I figure most ppl who followed for writing r wondering too lol

first off, I have generally not had time to write with school and the chronic guilt I feel whenever I’m not studying teehee just girly things, BUT concerning born sinner and zoom jk, I actually kinda wanna delete those 2 series and write them anew.

I feel like a huge downfall with church boy was that it tackled some pretty deep themes and the direction it was going felt slow and really far off, thus making it hard for me to find motivation in writing it bc the end just seemed so far away. I had planned for it to be about 8ish chapters, and each one being over 7k and trying to put those out on regular basis didn’t work out.

i love the concept of church boy, but overtime i kinda came to feel dissatisfied with his character. I mean. yn’s pov was often very short in the chapters, but if that WAS ME and I was dating a guy who was so deeply religious, he felt the need to blame his shortcomings on ME? girl what 😑 she’s definitely no pushover, but i did feel she was too accommodating at times (even tho i was planning on having her stand her ground in future installments). I love the idea of the story being from jk’s perspective bc it was after all about him going through a huge change in life, but I felt like his constant emotional turmoil and hyper fixation on sex was turning him into a rather unlikeable guy, which is something I don’t want 😭 he felt misogynistic at times and I hated that :/ whenever I had to write his thoughts I was kinda like yuck. Ew. lol, and I also always had to be thinking “ok, but how is he going to compensate for being like this?”

With zoom jk, I kinda felt the same lol but more annoyed with the story’s pace. I feel like the first 4 only 4 ghahbsbwhs chapters could easily have been one chapter that set the stage, introduced the universe, etc. HOWEVER I do think the progression was realistic for the story it was telling; come on lol, you’re not gonna be instant besties with a classmate you’re meeting for the first time over zoom during a lockdown. so I felt like I couldn’t really do much to change that. but like I said it was more so the format I did it in.

at the time I posted both these stories, it was fall of 2020, which was kinda “peak” lockdown where I live. everything was closed or remote, so I had a lot of time to focus on writing. however, now it’s almost fall of 2022 and the circumstances are not the same anymore, which has made writing very hard to do for me.

hope that answer helps !!

#asks

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creaturebehavior · 1 year

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miss him a lot today and missing having friends who i can talk to. i don’t want just any friends i want friends who i can trust and talk to.

i’ve noticed myself dwelling recently over the ways i hurt Rose. i wish i would have been in a better place when we got together. that’s one of my biggest regrets in life is how i was so out of control when we dated.

i know there’s nothing i can do about it.

we had this connection and were able to be vulnerable in ways i never have been able to with anyone else. i wish i hadn’t ruined it and hurt them so badly. i haven’t been able to forgive myself and i also can’t fathom ever meeting someone who i can connect with like that again

of course, they made sure we didn’t get too close because i was so unpleasant to be with. but whenever we did actually connect, it felt like magic. i loved how we encouraged each other to be ourselves. i felt like myself when i was with them. and they loved me for it. i hate that i hurt them.

i know they weren’t perfect either and they hurt me in some ways too but i know i was the one who brought on almost all the turmoil

i can’t imagine i’ll ever meet someone who i can feel that free with. even though i couldn’t let go with them completely though i tried, they made it clear they weren’t interested in doing that with me. but i still felt more open and more myself with them than with anyone else.

and i treated them the way i did because i didn’t know better and because i needed help but i can’t figure out how to forgive myself because i really made their life hell.

we’ve reconciled i guess….. i’ve made amends to them since it happened but the more i mature and the more distance i get for some reason instead of forgiving myself i just feel worse and worse about what i did

that’s why i don’t date anymore. because after Rose i dated Adam to punish myself and that didn’t make me feel any better.

i know with all my heart that i can’t function in a relationship and it feels soul crushing to acknowledge this

i don’t have the ability to regulate my emotions properly so i know i’ll never be able to truly have a close friend again.

i miss feeling mildly safe and feeling connection and joy

i don’t know if i’ll ever forgive myself. every time i remember our joy, i remember our pain. i hurt them so much. i’ll never forgive myself.

i wanted to be close with them. i’m so sorry i was scary and awful. always having panic attacks and crying. i’m so sorry. i’m so sorry. i could never stay sober no matter how many times i promised im so sorry. i’m so sorry i was scary and loud im so sorry.

that time i came home from a trip and they realized while i was gone that they didn’t wanna be with me anymore. i was so excited to see them when i came home, but they avoided me for days. i had no idea that’s what i was gonna come home too. i had such a horrible family vacation i was so relieved to be home and so excited to see them. they didn’t want to see me. after a couple days i think i probably manipulated them into coming over. i bought this stupid towel while i was on vacation that had this cartoon couple riding in a car and they looked androgynous and queer which i thought was so cute and the towel said “enjoy the journey” which i thought was perfect because me and rose were always talking about being on this journey of life together.

when they finally came over i showed them the towel and they gave me this look. and i knew in the instant that they didn’t want to be with me anymore. but then i stayed in denial because i wanted to believe our love was strong enough to withstand everything

then for some reason we stayed together until i went to rehab in spring. they were finally ready to leave me. i still didn’t really get it. Until this phone call we had. and they expressed how they don’t want to be with me anymore.

i don’t know why i was surprised. they would get time away from me and see how toxic i was. i’m so sorry for what i put them through. i wish we would have broken up a year sooner.

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nagirambles · 2 years

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lucy having a epic moment in your fic and then immideitly passing out after is so GOOD I CANT MHJGSFJDHFG ITS JUST SUCH A FIARY TAIL THING TO DO.

it shows how shes taking more risks and also trusts the guild members to have her back once shes promptly unconscious. All of fairy tail backing her up is so good.

natsus speech and her decison is that moment it just, hits me really hard cause, even tho she thinks she was goaded into asking for help im so so glad she did cause, even tho she asked natsu for permission to stay shes also in a way giving herself permission to live her life on her terms for herself, to be in a way selfish but also giving in the way she wants to love her new home and I adore it.

Lucy being a crier this chapter is so vaild please girl im sobbing too

Erzas whole scene is amazing go erza loml

Loke and lucys whole speech is also amazing cause while natsus was more focused on lucy accepting fairy tail for her future, her and lokes speech was more on the reconcilliation of theyre pasts. Even tho I assume loke isnt fully accepted into himself yet due to the loke arc presumablly coming up later its sowing the seeds of him realizing lucy honestly dose get her spirts and she cares. Also the idea of lucys spirts locking themselves off to protect her, maybe out of regret for not doing it with her mother, breaks my heart a little. Her accepting her past for all it hurt but also gave her in the forms of her mother and her magic is amazing. Lokes lil tsundere moment there at the end is also amazing I love him!!!!!!!

Cana and grey in the background are also a joy!!

Im sorry for typing this much but just god i love your writing and you do these charaters RIGHT

AAAhhh this message I’ve read over and over it just makes me so happy to read T^T ❤❤❤❤ I don’t know how to express myself I just want to get on my knees and bless this ask, it sends me on a confidence high and it’s such a good feeling.

I’ve been wanting to write this chapter all fic, honestly. It’s all a hodgepodge of stuff I wished happened in canon, especially in regard to Lucy’s keys. Because what better time to bring up emotional turmoil’s effects on magic than the arc we find out about Mirajane and Elfman’s trauma? I really liked exploring Lucy, Loke, and Celestial Spirit magic dynamics in this chapter, and I’m so so happy to hear people enjoy it just as much as I did. It’s a blessing to be able to hear this through self-indulgence character exploration.

I hope I did Natsu and Lucy’s meeting justice, even though it’s hardly the boy meets girl some people might be expecting. A lot of people have been wanting them to meet, and I presume it’s because they’re wondering about the ship dynamics-- I won’t be writing any ships into this story as is my pattern with ficwriting, so the route I went with it does leave me a little conflicted. Oh well!

I just wanted to give Natsu an angry ‘take care of yourself you idiot’ moment with Lucy, because I’m appalled he didn’t have one with her when he had big ones with Erza and Gray in TOH and Galuna. It would have been so appropriate for Phantom Lord, but alas, Lucy isn’t the kind of character with whom a lesson should be shouted at, at least in canon. I think I do this ‘playing the bad guy’ thing with Natsu a lot, so I’m glad I managed to get the point through. It does make Natsu feel a bit mean, as is my intention, but I hope I did it well enough to give all of their characters justice.

#it's an ask #fic related rambles

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bunbunbillion · 3 months

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ive been thinking of the hsbc update nonstop since it dropped that shit was so good.......... talkang (rambling) about it under the cut

i am a certified rosemary numbar one lovar and its so sad to see people amounting the upd8 as "ruining the ship" or stuff because its like.. besides the whole working with the og plot part it was just so needed for the relationship i think, to make it so much more real. up 2 this point we haven't gotten a lot of focus on the dynamic of these two as adults in candy and i felt it was handeled rlly well.. also exploring those traits rose never really grew out of that she Has Really Got To (using irony as a mask for her real emotions and discounting others in the process. the strilonde curse) also the stuff with jade!!! it was so so so refreshing and feels right at home with the new team, exploring her character like that and in such a beautiful and heavy way too... the Lore Setupz are really nice as well im super excited to see where they go with this plotline!! i wanna see how my favorite girls relationship twists and turns and strengthens or weakens from the turmoil.. i wanna see how yiffy plays into all this and how rose changes and shifts as a character in both timelines... i wanna see kanaya get even more focus as an individual character, or even kanaya and jades relationship be explored a bit!!

ougggh i do in the end hope everything can be ok <3 but i will persevere through it all cus i am so in love with hsbc rn

#bunny ramble #hsbc

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wu-tvng · 5 months

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trauma and ptsd.

i don't really like how jarring the font size is for 'title' in the tumblr post so i will put it as a header in the description.

tee-hee:)

this morning or afternoon. i forgot. i mention how i have a lot to say, but seem to have no space or bandwidth to articulate it (it's tiring to introspect and unpack emotional luggage) but i was reading hot literati and i love how captivating short, simple, but intelligent her writing is. i aspire to write as crispy, fun, and me though as her.

i am learning to be gentle with thyself and i am kind of proud with how fast i learn through copying others and extracting only traits i find attractive and enticing into my own character/asrsenal loll. it kind of reminds me of that guy in food wars who copies ppl to the tee and then + his own cherry on top in the finale. kind of making it his, but not really bc 99 vs 1%

my problem is that i lack life experience and i isolate myself too much that im out of touch with reality. hence y im 24 sitting in front of my mac at almost 1am typing this, unemployed, and still acting like i am shi. im extremely delusional for this, but somehow i have a feeling things will sort itself out and ill be ok like i always wanted.

but the quote of being able to enjoy the moment and finding content and happiness in the daily or mundane keeps cycling back to me in this era. i think the universe is trying to tell me some.

i think i am content. and i am grateful. and i am ok, but not happy. i am v happy that i am ok bc for a long time this year i was not ok. i was actually extremely depressed and bed-ridden for months with occasional hangouts with eric that has secretly save me and directed me for the better. bc human interaction is important no matter how easy it is to be a hermit in the digital age and lock oneself in their corner of the internet (me, currently doing that rn (im a hypocrispy) :())

i no im a different person than before, maybe more lost, maybe more unhinged, def more fat. but i really dont know how much i have changed. howev, this year since i move back home has metamorphiszed me, and im not sure if its for the better bc i was undergoing one of the few intense depressive periods in life. i honestly cant say that it was my most depressing but all the hard ones always happen at home lol. its like a recurring epilepsy i have here. i have many intense depressive episodes that it seems that each new adversity i go thru that triggers this turbulence is easier than the past one. lol its actually crazy and it might explain why im ok even though i think most ppl might be wrecked by the frequent turmoil i have to navigate thou it often times is self-imposed i guess. but also this one was def a butterfly effect influence by years of adversion in treating mental health and not learning to deal with stress and responsiblities and pressure well. but i guess thats y im 24 and alive dealing, feeling, and not quitting:)

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the1975attheirverybest · 9 months

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im a bit of a mixed bag ngl i had my birthday which was very good then results which ehhhhh lowkey failed chemistry but i got into my top uni despite not meeting entry requirements !! but i now have horrendous period cramps and spent most of the morning wanting to murder anyone/thing that made noise until i was like ohhhhhh its here

as for favourite lyrics:

self titled: maybe basic but me and "i was thinking bout killing myself dont you mind?" because of the idea of if i did it would anyone care and its so obviously yes, people would mind A LOT but you still kinda dont think that. but also "id be your anchor but im scared you'd drown" from talk, the line from heart out which escapes me but is about turning into a tv, and "i know your looking for salvation in the secular age but girl im not your savour" because holy shit it did not have to go that hard. though it is very entertaining going through genius and finding out just how many drug references are snuck in that album

iliwys: i like cant actually explain it/don't understand it exactly but "im the greek economy of cashing intellectual cheques" just because of that idea of not feeling smart enough sometimes and like youre gonna hit a wall intellectually. but i also fucking love "for you are not beside me but within me" and the idea that you can love something so much it becomes a part of you and also how it links into what matty always says about tye transformative power of art and especially the feeling of listening to an album and feeling like it has become a part of you. also the "ive not been doing too well" at the end of nana makes me want to rip my hair out and like throw myself at a wall because its so incredibly sincere after a song that almost dances around his emotions and then its so incredibly direct and gut wrentching

abiior: in mine the "i fight crime online sometimes" is very good just because its a bit humourous in quite a sincere song and it juxtaposes the quite timeless instrumentation without being cringe. "what if you died with all of the cameras on" from petrichor stands out but i dont know why like i guess it could be to do with the idea of reaching a level if fame that even your death can be viewed by the world? theres probably a lot of better ones that are not coming to mind i was scrapping the bottom of the mental barrel a little

noacf: ittsysk speaks to me on a visceral level "see saw back and forth" and "oh please ignore me im just feeling sorry for myself" and undermining oneself despite having just outlined your mental turmoil.

bfiafl: "making an aesthetic out of not doing well and mining all the bits of you, you think you can sell" because i think we have all taken the selfie while crying for the funny later and ill very occasionally go through my notes app which no one else has read in an attempt to find something to put on tumblr or scrounging for photos i can put on tumblr to seem cool or edgy and even how because of small business tiktok people are monetising their hobbies that they do for fun because it could sell and people need money. also just "tell me you love me because thats all i need to hear" and "do you think that I've forgotten about you" are both so straight to the point yet so incredibly relatable and heartbreaking. "i would go blind just to see you" is quite fun because its a bit oedipus adjacent with the whole idea of prophecy and that oedipus only sees the truth when he is physically blind alike to tiresias.

sorry if this is a bit much. these are also all off the top of my head so there are probably a few better and more interesting ones im forgetting - 🐸

OKAY OKAY OKAY!!! So many unique highlights here. The line from Heart Out Is “you created a television of your mouth.” Which is such a specific and brilliant line in the way that only matty can write. In fact, only young matty. The more skilled he gets, the more concise he’s become. Which is definitely a strength but sometimes I miss his verbose and overly complex imagery. Like you can still see hun wrestle with it and try to work it out and circle round the idea but not quite get it. It’s so beautiful.

AND PETRICHOR?!!! HELLLOOOO!!!! Genius.

One thing about “Happiness” though…..I feel like it’s….purposefully…what’s the word….not quite cliche. More like tropey? Not that either. I don’t quite know how to to describe it. The whole “id go blind just to see ya.” “I’d go far just to have you near.” “Never gonna love again.” They’re very common ways of talking about love (and matty knows how to make the common uncommon but he does choose not to in this one) which helps to convey the energy in the song. In much the same way that the delicate imagery of JC2005 and the weirdly formal writing does the same there. Idk what the right words for this technique is. But I find it super interesting.

#🐸anon

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tangonmarga · 1 year

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It’s.. it’s been a long time since i wrote something on here.

2022, well, it was different. But im gonna walk you through it - put you on the loop.

I spent january this year chasing my then-boyfriend. Don’t know who it is? Of course not, but you believe me if i told you. It’s the dude i liked my entire junior high. Thats right. I dated my crush. Shit was way different than i had imagined - but its done. Anyways, he often hurt my feelings bc he was a very tactless person. He was ugly too. The cum face was unbearable. Sorry to that man. I ended up leaving him, only realizing i wanted him back. I chased after him for some reason. Spent the last of my money on his expensive ass medicine. Went around looking for a specific kind of drink he wanted. Did all that only for him to tell me “what’s not clicking?” Like the fucking asshole he is. That was when i realized i didnt want to do anything with him. I wanted him gone from my life. And he is gone, finally.

Then the next few months happened. I got assaulted twice in the same year. The first time, i realized it only after a few months. I had hooked up with my senior high school crush then. I told my friend dexter about it and he said “why are you so grossed out by xx but you’re so happy about yy”. Then i realized why i slipped into a lot of self-loathing of xx. Its because i didnt consent to it. I didnt want it. I didnt enjoy it. It was fucking traumatizing. I fucking hate every moment that memory crosses my mind. I wish i never had to go through it. The second time it was also with a friend who i trusted naively. Idk why the fuck i decided to go with him. It was the wrong fucking choice. I only realized it wasn’t okay when i drunkenly called my ex-bestie about it, and he told me it wasn’t okay. The trauma for this one was so bad because every time a room would be completely dark, i’d be scared shitless and i’d teleport back into that fucking bedroom. I fucking hate it so much. I don’t know why i had let that night happen.

Despite it all, i was able to date someone. We lived in together, he let me drive his car, i bought him an expensive ass wallet, a lot. Shit ended ugly tho. He ended up man handling me. We would often get into screaming matches.

I hate myself when im angry. When i have to raise my voice in certain situations. I really fucking hate it. To realize that he brought out that version of me makes me fucking sick. Makes me hate the person i allowed myself to become just because of him.

Dont get me wrong. I didnt want a relationship. I wasnt ready for a relationship. Which made me wonder, why the fuck did i ever force anything to develop between the two of us? Even when i got an ick on the first date? If i could turn back time, i honestly would. Because fuck that situationship for real. Makes me so fucking upset he brought out the worst in me. Making me feel all fucking worthless. Like im always the bad guy. He stole my friends from me too. What kind of fucking person does that? He’s so fucking greedy. He doesn’t give a fuck that my friends no longer hang out with me as long as he gets to hang out with them.

I fucking hate the fact i ever dated him. It was the worst fucking emotional and mental turmoil i ever had to fucking go through. Beat my relationship with gg on a whole mile. Yawa jd kaayo gyud. Ngano man kong nipatol adto niya?

The amount of emotional labour i had to do. Even when he knew my mental state. He’s such a selfish fucking person emotionally. He’s so fucking greedy in the name of “love”. Like what the fuck kind of person makes u feel guilty about leaving them? About wanting some time for yourself? What a stupid fucking situationship. He accuses me of not knowing him when he has this narrative of me being the worst fucking person. Fuck that man for real. I wish all my exes bad luck. I dont care. I know I’ll get guilty once the karma hits them - but shit doesnt happen just because karma wants to. Shit happens to people because they deserve it. The universe thinks they deserve it so its gonna hand it to them.

If im getting my karma. Thats fine. Im the type of person who knows i dont make a lot of great decisions so if karma goes my way, ill let it happen as it should.

I dont know how im gonna move forward from all of this. Ive been feeling so fucking lonely ever since he fucking stole my friends from me. I dont know what to fucking do but i hope i bounce back better when i get back to duma.

I wanna stay optimistic. I wanna have something to look forward to. And yet all ive done since the break up is be so self destructive. I kissed pp, and have him reject me weeks later. Then i hooked up with bb and nn. Then i had kk pick me up and we made out for a bit. He confessed on new year’s but idk i really dont want to deal with anything. I didnt want to do anything with nn because i didnt like his build, his personality is too fucking kind its actually the fucking worst 😭 made me reminiscent of the dude i dated this year. Its always the fucking nice guys who give the most emotional labor so im avoiding nice guys. Or guys in general.

Im in a man-hater phase rn. Fucking pp is crushing on a girl who tried to set me up with him. Yawa. Worst fucking feeling ever. Yawa jd kaayo. It made me see how much of a fucking asshole he is. And i dont wanna deal with him na jd because of how awful he is. Yawa. Pero i might give him cookies still when i get back? Im not sure. I probably will.

I dont know. Im just not bothered to entertain anyone but i am still talking to bb for some fucking reason. It’s probably gonna die out soon. Or probably not. Being with him is fun. But i hope it wont cross to the relationship level. Ill probably just decrease the amount of texting we do. Shits too risky. 2022/3 marga would know why. Hahahahahaha. If something bad happens out of this, you know im gonna either edit this post or make a separate post.

I still dont fucking know if 2023 is gonna be good. Its just making me anxious. Im writing this long ass post knowing i havent finished my plates yet. I havent done anything remotely productive. I dont know why im so fucking depressed. And normally, when i write, i feel a bit better. But only my mood changed. Im not as fucking depressed as i was a few minutes ago but my fucking soul still feels like it has weights on it. Shits so fucking heavy.

I think im still not over the fact that i had to go through months of whatever he put me through shit was so fucking tiring. I did not have to go through that. I did not have to go through every single thing he put me through during and after the relationship. I think my biggest takeaway from all of this is the fact i can feel And see the change that happened in me and it wasnt for the better. I lost so much of my light and life because of him. This is the only relationship i could ever completely say i wish i got back the person i was before him. Yawa jd kaayo. Ambot makalagot nga ing ani na akong state karon. Unta mabalik akong gana sa tanan. Kay sa tinuod lang, nawala gyud. Maka disappoint jd kaayo ang outcome bwiset.

Yawa huhuhuhuhu unta madayon akong mga gi look forward sa 2023.

1. New hair color and hair cut

2. Motor pls

3. cookies for all my friends

4. Mental stability

5. Reclaiming my old self

I really just want to bring the person i was before him. I just want peace. I just want to feel better. I just want to be productive again. I just want to be better.

Ive been rambling for the past few paragraphs as u can see but im just typing as much as i can until i finally lose the dreadful feeling weighing down on me because honestly i still feel like shit. Yawa huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu

I wanna buy a new vape but i think that also contributes to why i feel like shit so i might quit. Im gonna try hard and quit this year because my nicotine addiction is unexpected and unwelcome and i want to be better about it. So i might actually stop vaping. Please God make me stop vaping 😭

Im also so fucking upset because i looked forward to writing something on tumblr hoping it would make me feel better but the dread isnt going away. I want to feel better but i really cant im so fucking sad and upset and i hope its just the estrogen jud but like this has been going on for months and i honestly just need to meditate and be more accepting of my fate and have to look forward to things because theres so much to unfold for 2023 and i really really really hope my looking forward doesnt go in vain. I love you world. Please dont let me down.

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