#and that i cant do everything by myself and that i hate myself and i hate this

[xenomorphicdna]

On the string propaganda

Heeellll yeah

Bestie is an entire PLACE

I look at those guys and let me tell you the soul of that thing ain't just in the puppet, it's in all the neurons carrying the thoughts and emotions, it's in the power rails that serve as the heart. All the memories in the memory conflux and all the numbers we see flicker across displays, the flux condensers, the puppet; a little avatar.

No way these massive machines see life the same way we do. They have their own experiences and senses and things they hold dear. A world we can't imagine, a way of living we couldn't even comprehend.

I could never tear an iterator apart to be just a puppet. Who am I to decide how's life supposed to be enjoyed or perceived?

You treat your creechurs however you want- I ain't gonna dictate that. But damn, hearing the thrums and buzzes of the linear systems rail? They are alive with so much power, these mechanical beasts are exactly what they should be.

#sorry im just a really passionate on the string believer #you cant tell me that these massive structures kilometers wide capable of things we cant even image would look at something thats #thats comparable to a speck of dust and be like #yes i would like to rid myself of practically my entire body to be that tiny #this aint no “if i were a supercomputer i'd be sad i couldnt see the sky like i do now” #thats only because you have something to compare it to #if i were to suddenly loose everything to be just some microscopic creature i'd be miserable but only because i know what im loosing #id be loosing the ability to think like i do now id be loosing the ability to enjoy the things i do now #i dont know what life is like as a microscopic creature but i wouldnt be willing to give up my life as i know it now #and i think with iterators are the same #just how different is their life from ours and what things can they see that we are missing out on? #give up everything comfortable and known and for what?? #to feel the sun? they absolutely have various temperature sensors #see the sky? those overseers were made to see things those visuals are in 4k #other animal comforts?? what about computer comforts?? #what makes a lil creature happy may not necessary make a massive supercomputer happy #sorry big rant in the tags um just wanna say this is no hate to anyone who wants their creatures off the string #these are fictional beings and you do whatever makes you happy take them off the string set them loose yess enjoy little robots running #around be happy i love reading ya alls off the string shenanigans #rain world #iterator #drawins #oc veil of dreams #rw talk #rain world oc #iterator oc

[moonlume]

tumblr said draw something bad so I did but I'm mad I still didn't feel anything

#man i started tagging this and i cant even bring myself to do it. hashtag art hashtag illustration hashtag capitalism. #sorry to be sadposting... tumblr is the only place i can admit ive actually been really really struggling with my love for art... #i should be grateful. i should be thankful for the fact that i can do art as my job. i shouldnt be whining about it like this. #but theres a hole in my soul where my joy for creating used to be and i dont know how to fix it. i want to love to draw again. #its been like this for probably over a year now and i dont know what to do. i cant abandon everything ive been working on for 7 years. #im also unemployable. so its not like i would dare to quit moonlume...but i just want to find joy in it again... #but capitalism has dug its wretched claws into my skull so badly that everything has been feeling incredibly soulless. i hate it. #anyway. might delete this later. its unprofessional but this is the one website where i can let go of professionalism for 5min and be human. #i dont hate what i do and i really am thankful..i just i wish i wasnt so stressed about making everything look good and perfect and sellable #but at this point its subconsciously connected to my survival that every time i think about drawing i stress myself out before i even start #ugh idk. neither here nor there. cant quit but dont feel connected to my work but cant change what i do or i will alienate my audience 👍

[grzybjek]

Stuff that I wont finish and doodles that arent worth posting on instagram. Enjoy these tumblr i love tumblr

#i literally can post whatever I want and i dont feel anxious about it #i love sharing my art even if its unfinished ans i dont like it #i cant bring myself to finish anything recently by thr way. im awfully art blocked #i literally think everything i make recently is so bad and i struggle with the simplest drawings. idk what to do anymore honestly #but i had fun drawing these things today #not to mention like other 30 sketches i made today that are just outright BAD and i hate them

[skunkes]

i have soooo much more i cld say abt him, and have explored more thru other doodles, but quick summary of talon's whole deal, which is subject to change still as he's only almost 2 yrs old as an oc

#oc text #obvs sparse description of the events bc i dont mean for it to be gratuitous #even if i decided to explore it further in some medium the focus wouldnt be gratuitous ykwim #not that there werent awful stuff within that but my focus with talon is also more exploration of like #even stuff that isnt a big deal (which it wasnt at first) can effect someone greatly #and then once it does get a bit worse the focus is still more on the effects of how he views himself and the aftermath #AS WELL AS LIKE. well. did i do this to myself? i went back. do i deserve this? #he's a lot like me and the reason i like the self insert dynamic is bc he thinks of cheye as Me If It Didnt All Go Horribly #bc ive not gone thru the Extreme but i have had interactions with ppl who very enthusiastically thought i was ummmm underage!!! #while they were already being creepy toward me and making me nervous abt my safety ! #so this isnt ''he's umm 400 but looks 12 bc i want to do weird shit with him 😏'' dude drawing him Fed makes me so sad sometimes... #we're also weird eating buddies <3 #and grief buddies <3 he actually further spawned out of my need to deal with a lot of family members passing away in such a short time #severe death phobia buddies... #i still dont know how he really feels about his Old Wrinkly Form btw all i know is he feels safe in it #as much as id love to sway toward ''he thinks he's hot like that. because he is.'' i also dont want to convey the wrong message wrt this #form being due to....disordered eating caused by Issues. ykwim #though! he can shapeshift quite well when he's fed and maybe he'd choose that form willingly if he ever got. Past everything #he does hate that he never gets to actually age...! he wishes he cld age normally like a mortal...(still scared of dying though) #but we cant knoww for certain yet ykwim. maybe he'll let me know soon. #my issue with talon other than i suck at plots is well he has too many of my issues. and. idk how to solve them. #he's growing with me. #oh and have we noticed he's mean to me when *im* being mean to me...MANY such metaphors #ok goodnite

[haunted-xander]

This started as just a redraw of an old Chiluc comic except I got carried away so. here ya go!

#chiluc is so so so complicated to me #diluc hates the fatui and everything they do and stand for but when met with someone who does everything for those he cares about hed cave #and childe knows what hes doing is fucked up but doesnt care enough to change paths and he doesnt get how diluc can look past that #bc diluc is angry and justifyably vengeful yet he treats childe like hes normal #despite bring well aware of what childe does and his stance on it #and it confuses him so much it makes him uncomfortable #bc diluc has rigid morals that he wont budge on yet can still look childe in the eyes without wanting to kill him #its a big ol 'wtf why do u like me stop that. thats weird. im weird and bad and fucked up u cant like that.' #and 'why do i like this guy hes everything ive dedicated myself to eradicating yet i cant bring myself to do so without express reasoning' #its a MESS #childe #tartaglia #ajax #diluc ragnvindr #chiluc #genshin impact #art #my art #xanders art #digital art #fan art

[autisticlee]

is it an autistic experience to ALWAYS be the one in a friend group who gets left out, alienated, secretly disliked, then kicked out of the group?

#autistic #autism #actually autistic #autism things #asking autistics #i want/need a friend group but it ALWAYS GOES BAD!!!!!!!! AND ITS SOMEHOW ALWAYS MY FAULT?! idk what im doing wrong. people suck. #but i need people and i hate that about me. why cant i split myself in half a few times #or learn how to do group activities alone....like playing tennis. going to the amusement park ive wanred to go to since i was a kid. #drive alone on long trips where i will fall asleep but talk to myself so i dont or something. walk on the park trails alone where people #get kidnapped and stuff when alone. go to a convention and cosplay a group of characters alone. one for each finger.... #if you cant tell im being sarcastic. and doing a bad job. sighs. i hate that i have to do everything i need/want a group for alone because #i cant make friends or make groups keep me in them. assuming because im autistic and they hate me 🙃 #eother that or im a piece of shit and dont realize it!!!!! how am i supposed to know when no one tells me!!!! 😭😭😭😭 #so is it actually me and my fault or is it because im autistic and people just do this to us for some reason #autism stuff

[lobotomizedlady]

I think bpd is a bullshit stigmatizing label thrown at women to pathologize what is very obviously a response to prolonged childhood trauma and would be better labeled as C-PTSD. that being said my god I am bpd as fuck

#my sister just snapped at me bc i said i dont want to do a ton of physical labor for the job she signed me up for which apparently does i #in fact involve a lot of it. and her being mad for even that moment sent me spiraling so badly & i had the reaction i often do where #i start hating both her & myself terribly & want to isolate forever #i think she hates her new job & is taking it out on me but it doesnt matter bc i cant handle being yelled at #and the fact thst it took me till adulthood to realize thats bc i associate it with my father is crazy. yeah its just the cptsd like #everything else. and whats nutso is how i continue to think my trauma Wasnt Bad Enough for ptsd . #just bc he didnt beat the shit out of or molest me i feel like i dont even have a right to be this fucked up #not that it was only him. being bullied at school really did not help. i guess now that i think about it the problem is that until #i was a teenager i literally did not feel emotionally secure anywhere. home or school. always the ticking of a bomb in the bg #the inevitable moment my dad blew up over nothing or i overheard my peers talking about what a freak i was #i dont know why it still hurts to think about. im so far removed from it my life now couldnt be more different #well thats the stupid fucking thing about childhood isnt it. those are your very first experiences with the world & other ppl #i do know my view of romantic relationships was irrevocably poisoned by my parents & that is never going to be undone. so cool

[martyrbat]

[ID: an uncoloured drawing for a panel next to the publicized version. They're both from the comic Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #194. In them, Batman is shown from the waist up. He's looking at Jim Gordon, who's off panel, with a penitent expression after being accused of something he secretly did do. He has his palm pressed against his chest and is blocking the bat emblem as his other hand is clasped ontop of it. In the initial drawing, there's a halo floating above his head as well as several tiny hearts mixed in with the lights that surround him. In the publicized panel, the hearts and halo has been removed and two speech bubbles have been added. He's in front of a terra rose background and is starting to say, “Jim, I don't even know what you're...” But Jim cuts him off, saying, “Stop it. I'm tired of this.”

The third photo is a description of the drawing from the artist's (Seth Fisher) website. It reads: This is another page that the DC editors changed: no halos or hearts around Batman, no matter how (disingenuously) contrite he is. In the final edition, the halo and heart in the center bottom frame have been excised.]

#happy sad boy sunday !!! #this counts because he's getting broken up with and because im sad bc they removed the halo and hearts #included the link to the website on the word too :3 in case any of u wanted to see his unpublished work too #deleting a big ol rant that no one cares about but basically: #hate seeing how much creativity and personality gets edited and removed despite it being the artist's job & how you have rememberable #and remarkable art. i get the editors got an important job but at the same time at what point do you allow art and personality to exist #just to make comics more fun to read/look at instead of basing everything on a capitalistic stoic reputation that #youre responsible for creating?? turning batman into a symbol of unwavering compassion and empathy and the reminder theres always stars #even on the darkest night if you remember to look up. him going from being a symbol of hope and humanity to being a character #that cant fucking have a heart or visual compassion out of fear they cant market him more or ruin that fragile reputation. #they make editing decisions based on it as a product instead of it as a character/story or an artform and god does it show. #happy sad boy sunday bc shutting down artistic freedom and expressionism for capitalistic reasonings is making me want to shoot myself 🥰🥰 #c: batman: legends of the dark knight | i: 194 #crypt's panels #batman #posts from the crypt

[ra-vio]

I wanted to draw Fio with a smile u-u

This is a reupload. I was gaming and didn't realize how it uploaded.

#nier #nier reincarnation #every time i drew her she wasn't smiling and she frowns in a lot of her art too #she smiles a lot too i just havent looked in a while #fio #i woke up today and found out there aren't nier concert locations close enough to me IM SOOOOO SAAAAAAAAAAd #the one i was considering going to is near my mom's birthday #i absolutely cant do that one. its my moms birthday weekend she would throw a fit #'ning bring your mom' no she wouldn't understand. i'd have to pay for everything and we'd need a hotel room #kaine is running around in lingerie. i cant bring my mom #and the other one is is la which is an absolute no. #if iwanna be trapped in a room with my mom for 3 days i can just live with her i already do that #ill just pray for a dvd release and buy that u_u #I JUST GOT DONE PLAYING OG RE3 AND HAVE BEEN DISORIENTED. ITS A GREAT GAME. I HATED IT. #IM TRYING TO CONVINCE MYSELF NOT TO REPLAY IT 8 MORE TIMES BUT I WANT TO SEE THE EPILOGUES. I HATE TANK CONTROLS SO MUCH

[puppyeared]

if you're walking at 5mph, but your feet are on sideways, and the sky turns green at 2:53, and Keanu Reeves has been sent to Neptune, what's your favorite video game

i cant walk 5mph in the first place, im only 5'4 and i have to walk like marvin the fucking martian everywhere i go

if my feet were on sideways i would still manage to get my shoes on wrong because i cant tell my left from my right

if the sky turns green that means every single car on the road is allowed to go at the same time

keanu reeves cant be sent to neptune with an expired passport

my favorite videogame MIGHT be professor layton and the diabolical box just because ive never been able to get over the ending, but mario galaxy and deltarune also come to mind

#this was very fun to answer thank u :o) ive always loved multiple choice questions #maybe if i had more multiple choice in my life id be able to get things done faster just closing my eyes and hoping for the best #its amazing that i dont own a magic eight ball. it would do wonders for my natural indecision and superstition #also to be fair ive only played the first two layton games even though i have the 3rd and 4th games on my cracked cartridge #BUT thats because my copy of unwound future is ass and it freezes on the opening cutscene so i cant even play it. sigh #maybe i should consider getting the mobile remastered versions but im lazy and i dont even know if i have enough storage space #there should be enough space on my ipad though so maybe. or ill back up some files to make room idk #i would have also answered undertale bc i had a huge undertale phase when it came out but im gonna be honest. ive never actually played it #im actually wondering if i should buy a copy for myself for xmas using grays steam account #the only thing im worried about is my motor skills are bad with keyboard and im dreading the asgore fight bc i heard its hard #but ive also never watched a full playthru so i feel like id be going into the game blind which sounds exciting. and ill prbably cry a lot #besides that ive been replaying mario galaxy with gray and i forgot how good the game is.. i love the ambience and game mechanics #although the races are so nerve wracking and i hate the controls sometimes. did u know i died on loopdeloop galaxy TWELVE FUCKING TIMES #also deltarune because i love EVERYTHING abt it i love the lore i love SUSIE i love the whole thing kris has going on #yapping #ask

[verdiesque]

anyway i logged in to complain again sorry

#i hate that this is how i am now but #everything is so bad and i don't see it ever getting better and i can't even understand how it could be anything but this #i feel shitty and hopeless about future and discouraged from doing more than bare minimum bc i don't see the point #and i feel myself actively getting stupider bc i don't read or watch anything anymore but like. i cant lol

[francy-sketches]

I'm gonna have to work on my final project non stop for like a month straight bc I procrastinated on it too much fuck my stupid baka life

#.txt #also I have to do a movie pitch for it bitch it's an amv with intentionally one dimensional characters 😭 tf do I even say about it #at least the characters are like. knockoff jaime and tommen so its almost like im drawing asoiaf fanart #unfortunately I've come to hate them. the knockoffs I mean #I wanna change the designs a bit so they dont resemble my blorbos as much. i think im gonna give the kid darker hair #ok well discount jaime just looks like him with 2 hands and a blue cape 💀and I cant change him atp #my worst mistake was giving him like. a solid metal skirt armor thing bc its a pain in the ass to animate #at the start of the year I had the most work done out of everyone how did this happen #its bc they started nitpicking the story and I kinda lost motivation to work on it lke this shit is stupid. and cringe #by they I mean the extra screenwriting teachers we had a couple lessons with which like. this is an animation course not a writing course #I'd get it if it was like. a full time school but we have 2 3 hour classes a week we dont have time for this shit man #ig my mistake was that my idea didn't start from the story it started from the song I wanted to make a cool music video for it #its not that the story is nonsensical or anything its just a very basic fairytale esque thing nothing groundbreaking #'but you're not SAYING anything with this' I'm not trying to omg just let me make my little amv :( #does everything need a plot twist or to subvert expectations is it not enough that it looks cool #there's a couple people who are worse off than me in terms of how much they've done but also theres a couple that are nearly done #looking at them like god I wish that were me..... #and also I think I accidentally overwrote a shot I worked on for 3 hours. killing myself #maybe I can restore a previous version but its on the school computer and the school is closed for a week so im not gonna know until then

[lunarharp]

lazy scribbling of my baldur's gate 3 characters

#*emerges from 430 HOURS of life-changing playtime blearily like a lost and confused kitten* #i lost my interest in drawing bc everything is too sad & horrible right now. it was a luxury and privilege to lose myself in this instead #what follows will be my personal and trivial emotions about that #i'll do better proper drawings later. for me. they are both so very dear to me... deeply dear...unforgettable journeys of fate #truly have played like one possessed for the past few weeks. you have no idea. what do i do now. what do i do. #their personalities are so vivid to me though they mostly made the same choices. both intersex and they/them - canonically <3 #i missed out on FOUR PARTY MEMBERS in my first playthrough due to not understanding anything whatsoever. #gloaming ended up with wyll and pavane romanced karlach and astarion. and ended up with the one i did NOT plan on. this wasnt the plan #one of the most fulfilling romance paths i've ever..i cant say more..it all got too immersive and now i have to just.. MOVE ON ?????????? #live in THIS world where i can't gut imperialism personally and emerge alive from that? #without Long Resting? without my character requesting a kiss from their beloved after a tough day ?? #without preparing my little spells? without channelling divinity from my death god to keep us all alive? #without dyeing my man's clothes fancy colours for him? without him Approving whenever i lie and double-cross our enemies #without sharing clothes with my ex? without choosing to eat the heavy food first so that the weight is easier on her Carrying Capacity? #without orchestrating ways for all of my friends to kill the abusers that ruined their lives for a decade or even 200 years? #without experiencing degrading horrors on a daily basis but in a cathartic way where we always make it back to our rooms at the inn #WITHOUT SPEAK WITH ANIMALS??????????? #at least there's music. just like with persona 5 that will always be with me. always #like how p5 melodies take me back to those feelings. those rich and personal feelings.... BUT THIS WAS A WAY MORE NUTS EXPERIENCE #i thought i would hate it. i did at times. thought it would desensitise me to various things. it did. but there was so much more..it was... #Well anyway *continues my life* imagine if dnd was real..something to think about

[oscill4te]

i genuinely love my mom so much but its also like you are the most confusing person ever

#i dnt wanna overshare cuz i always do that lol but mothers day is coming upp... uh. soon #so i guess im just thinking about her. i genuinely love her so much. as alwayz its hard tho #she is also the funniest woman in the world to me. most people would say shes a horrible person #shes just rough around the edges. idk #one time she pointed at a couple outside and wz like “those two are so ugly; its like they were made for each other!!” #is it bad that i find humor in her meanness? shes just like. so funny to me #her negativity makes me laugh i guess xD #and if shes nice to you she genuinely means it. I think i love my mom a lot bc i see a lot of myself in her #shes very “split up” like me her opinions change all the time and im like. me too!!! #yes she can be fake but i think she genuinely does “flip/switch” a lot the way i do #and i never met anyone else other than my mom who so openly did that yknow #she can love and hate you at the same time. she simutaneously will love animals and hate them. gay ppl. ect #she seems to idk. be really inconsistent and fragmented like me and only now do I see it #i love my mom. i cant help it even with everything thats happened its like how can i not love someone who held me in her jacket #as it snowed outside before school? i cling so hard to that memory #i will be seeing family 2 times this month but i feel quite at peace with it right now #in april i was not thrilled at all but today im feeling some peace

[ritualday]

i grew up wanting my feelings and struggles to be taken seriously and now i'm in my 20s downplaying and dismissing everything i feel

#i hate to talk about whatever negative thing im feeling or whatever thing im going through bc i myself cant see it as worthy #and worthy of what? i dont even know #and whenever i do speak about it i have to justify everything #i can't simply say i'm sad i have to give like 748494 warnings of how aware i am that i'm just being stupid

[unicornsaures]

ill forever adore going through my old sketchbooks because its like going through memories i never knew i had

#dpdr my beloathed<3 #memory gaps i hate you !! #like what the fuck do you MEAN i cant tell when somethings real and somethings not #its ironic how my longest lasting memories are when i was drunk #like you would THINK that would be the most forgotten thing #but nope! #maybe because msot of the times i was drunk deeply affected me as a person #and i wont stop reminding myself about it #but! #brain if youre gonna fuck up my memories please let me forget the oens i want to forget pls n thanks #ugh #vent post #vent #dolirants #i love projecting onto laurens though if you couldnt tell #riddling that bitch with anxiety and paranoia and dpdr and rvery problem ive ever faced #honestly i think my mind starting blocking out just..everything #like everything ever #8th grade wasnt even bad ? #likr maam could i like #idk #remember that pls? #7th grade i understand #but like ? #can i remember the rest? #ughh #me ranting in the tags again