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#and then it just makes me think abt how nothing is tangible idk
fleursbending · 1 year
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hello junie! ❤️‍🔥 #69 what are your favorite fics at the moment?
hiya anonie ❤️‍🔥 !! OMGG YES IVE BEEN WAITINNN FOR THIS ONE ,, i was literally wanting to make my favourites of january / early feb so here goes nothing (gonna put them in categories) :
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ˏˋ °•*⁀➷ junie's current fave avatar fics ! ˖⋆࿐໋₊
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✿ mini series :
folklore ෆ jake sully. @theseuscmander
a literal masterpiece, esp as a swiftie myself! i can go and on about the angst, the yearning. the inner turmoil but honestly if you have yet to pls just go read it yourself !! ani is such an amazing writer.
empathy ෆ lo'ak sully. @mochi-yu
one of the first atwow pieces i read! has me in a chokehold and one of the things that inspired me to beginning writing for avatar in the first place! i love the dynamics here esp reader being kiri's twin sister.
si fpom ෆ jake sully. @fluloa
the desire !! the tension !! clenching my fists in agony already because i know the angst is going to dig deep into my chest. such a talented writer forreal. the character building too,, it's just all so lovely. alr said what i wanted in flo's inbox pls hfdds.
tìtunu ෆ tsu'tey. @hinataashoyos
never moving on from this, i'm staying right in this fic forever. speechless, breath taken away. writing is astounding, world building is so captivating like!! i've always appreciated tsu'tey but i'll be so real. this made me fall in lword with him! so good, how is this free?
✿ oneshots :
the hearts that bind us ෆ neteyam sully. @loaksky
in full bloom ෆ lo'ak sully. @loaksky
neng <33. i've already spoken so highly of these pieces, and i'll continue to do so. if you for whatever reason can only read two things today, let it be these! because, it is a rollercoaster of emotions. i wish i could experience reading these for the first time again!!
ao'nung is frustrated ෆ ao'nung. @neteyuck
one of the best ao'nung writers here in my personal opinion (it should be yours too js). i've reread this fic like 374340901 times and i'm not stopping anytime soon!! just pls witness the beauty that is juno's writing if you have yet to do so. there's jsust something so tangible abt it, does that make sense?? idk but <33.
just you and me ෆ lo'ak sully. @astrxq
one of the first lo'ak stories i read me thinks and i kept laughing at jakes looming presence just constantly jumping back in at the most random times. this piece is just so gentle and sweet, speaks to who lo'ak is under all the rebellious urges!!!
✿ drabble / prompts :
forest secrets ෆ lo'ak sully. @4xrina
the dialogue in this will forever remain in my soul,, nothing better than utterly lovesick boy lo'ak !! so precious forreal. flows so well, really painted a picture in my mind.
ෆ couldn't pick a specific one so everything @peacelovepandora has ever written. my safe space when the daddy issues whack me on the back of my head fr <33. just everything that op has put out literally brings me sm excitement and joy.
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𝒇𝒍𝒆𝒖𝒓𝒔𝒃𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈 ━━━ 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟑
(I WILL UPDATE THIS TOMORROW,, i've done enough links for a life time !! so do not fret if you aren't here...you most likely will be soon lols but i'm zzz tired.)
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driftroddy · 6 months
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Hearing now abt the conclusion of the death grips tour and being so fucking sickened by socially stunted adult kids taking a funny joke but then running with it and disrespecting artists because Death Grips is a “””“funny”””” ironic group to them. The inherent dismissal of this genre is ngl. Pretty racist. And so many of this shit is from faggots (reclaimed) who have not grown up in any sort of rough neighborhood because it’s just a funny spectacle to them. It’s a joke right? It’s nothing to be taken seriously because it’s funny to go to the death grips show!! It’s about you and making a huge funny spectacle for clout. it’s self absorbed and attention seeking at this scale and this frequency
Never mind that mc ride is a very private recluse person and death grips hasnt toured in years, this is about YOU, the silly person going to baby’s first digital hardcore rap show, and how the artist is there to perform for YOUR amusement right? Yes you paid your ticket but are you paying to also disrespect the artist and throw garbage at them for fun?
mc ride is one the the most fucking impactful and artistic rappers to me. The man is an artist. He is making art. But because idk peoples parents don’t like them enough or something or they’re too online to realize that tangible reality is more important, this is a joke to them, and the artist is by defacto a joke.
I go to these shows to get the shit beat of me in the mosh pit. I go to these shows to lash out in what is considered to be a safe space to do so. And I think people don’t understand that these types of shows are the only places I can be unrelenting, unapologetically, violent towards people who are consenting to that violence in the mosh pit. And if you don’t wanna be in the pit get the fuck out of there like seriously!!
That’s what this music is made for, it’s catharsis from the adrenaline rush and of expressing community among people who feel the same way.
But death grips is a joke right? Haha a propeller hat XD
Like if that’s what you’re stripping it down to, ripping off all the meaning that was already there just so it’s funny and therefore “non threatening” and therefore palatable, then sure! It’s funny! But don’t be sad or surprised if the “”””crazy”””” people at these shows you walk into with no respect or willingness to learn from chew you up and spit you back out and beat the shit out of you (this is not abt crowdkilling)
Ignorance only gets you so far if you’re not willing to learn with an open mind
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delicrieux · 3 years
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☆ミ 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚊𝚢 “𝚘𝚑”
PART 23: PRETTY BOY
emotions run wild when everyone is drunk and hardly coherent. quackity is always loud, but tonight is a full on assault on the senses (the ears, in particular). bretman simps for corpse too much for your liking. rae is happy for once. there’s a confession of love somewhere in there. sister james makes a very good impostor, but that’s old news, the real question is who gave you a knife? a new persona emerges that leaves the roaches quivering in their boots.
─── corpse husband x reader, a lil bit of everyone x reader (because she’s a queen) ─── soc. media + written fiction! ─── word count: a lil over 7k.
author’s note: it’s the way i can’t follow a fucking calendar for me. sorry guys, i swear to god i thought i had one more day before thursday . the idiot award goes to me and i accept it with pride. anyway, i was excited to write this for a while! quackity is in mexico, that’s why he drinks, too. my fic, my rules, he’s too funny not to include. im also working on an extra w dream and mr quack so look forward to that, too! hopefully u like this part ily xx and as always lmk wat u think!!
ultimate masterlist.  ҉  myso masterlist   ҉   previous. ҉   next.
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The outfit for today was picked with care and consideration. Hot, as always- you had forgotten your roots, your hoodie and sweats lay hidden in the bottom of your drawer never to be worn on stream again. You’ve changed. Clout really does that to people. Some viewers, naturally, find your hotness near insulting: how dare you rub your beauty in their faces, and so unabashedly, too?! If only you had a twinge of self-awareness, perhaps you would tone it down. But you don’t, and whether that’s by choice or not is the mystery the whole internet tries to solve (ARMY has been working diligently, and you admire their effort, though in the end their tireless labor brings no tangible results). 
You went from hot to hotter. In all truth, the fires eating away at California can be blamed on you. You carry this burden in stride, in your platform overpriced shoes some girl scammed you on Depop with, in your fishnets, in your skirt, in your corset, in your rings and necklaces and chains. You woke up today and chose violence. Decided your existence will be a plague to the rest of the populace, and meant it (that, maybe, you took inspiration from a certain faceless Youtuber that so happens to be your boyfriend or whatever). You feel powerful. Like you could step on the world and the world would let you. You decide that it’s the way it should always be. 
The smile on your lips informs of nothing good to your quaint, small audience of 40k. You change the lighting in your room from the soft cherry blossom pink to menacing violet. As fitting for a villain.
Perhaps California’s hellish sun has finally purged you of your bubbly, docile nature (arguably, you had never possessed it to begin with); perhaps it’s the forth mimosa you’re mixing as people slowly trickle into the lobby. Who knows?! Not you, definitely. What do all of those boring dead white European philosophers say? Embrace the unknown? Cheers, you’ll drink to that.
In stark contrast to your appearance, your room is a fucking mess. A war-zone of epic anime scale. Everything is scattered, well, everywhere. A perfect representation on what’s going on in your mind, always. You don’t like how people focus on your surroundings-- you’re the main attraction, hello? Are you not enough to sustain them? Must they beg for more?! Totally ungrateful. You shake your head in disappointment, as if a mother scolding her children. 
noooooo! mom pls forgive me i will never ask abt anything ever again T_T
yall looking at the room? lol couldnt be me
feels like im five and my mum just told me i cant eat a pretty rock i found on the pavement:(
You can’t contain your sly grin. Eyes twinkle with a purplish hue, appearing all the more menacing. You tricked them once again, oh how absolutely evil of you. In your blind delight you accidentally spill champagne on your lap.
“-Oop, fuck.” You snort.
why does she sound like goofy 
The scandalous drunk Among Us stream is about to start. You had been eerily silent through the greetings, and those that chose to approach you were met with a cold shoulder and minimal replies. All on purpose, of course. You wish to plant a seed of unease within them, and so far, it’s working. There are questions unanswered, jokes unsaid, Quackity unteased. It breaks your heart, but it must be done. You look into the camera, all vulnerable and devout, as if to say: I’m doing this for you, all for you.
pack it up yandere simulator
idk whats going on but i think im into it?
villain arc villain arc villain aRC VILLAIN ARC
“Hey, guys,” Corpse’s voices rings in your headphones, and not a blink later his astronaut appears in the lobby in a cloud of smoke, “Hi, Y/n.”
More sharp, excited hellos follow after. You merely hum, though give no further reply. As Corpse strays to your side, Charlie steps in in front of him, “BDA access only. You have a permit, bitch?”
“Y/n is being quiet-she’s being quiet, guys!” Quackity helpfully informs, as if the rest failed to notice your cryptic silence, “Don’t be sad Corpse, man, Corpse don’t be-she didn’t say shit to me either.”
“Y/n has decided to not waste her breath on the SDS.” Charlie voices, “And you know what? I actually agree with her for once.”
“SD-what now?” Dream questions.
“The Small Dick Society.” Charlie explains, noting Dream’s whine of protest, “Oh no, don’t give me that shit, weren’t you bitching about not being invited and not belonging to exclusive clubs? Congratulations, you’re finally part of one.”
“Wait!” Quackity interjects, “Am I part of it too?”
“Guess, Sherlock.”
“I’ll drink to that.” Corpse says. You nod to your audience, like he just spoke the God honest truth, and follow in his example. Your tentative sip unexpectedly turns into a greedy gulp, but you’re not complaining. The only slightly coherent thought that rings in your mind is drink tasty.
“Ignore them,” Rae chimes, “Y/n’s probably plotting something and using Charlie as a cover up.”
“I’d never.” The words slip past your lips before you can stop them.
“Well you sure are very quick to deny it.” You can hear her smirking, can hear the proud lilt in her voice, like she caught onto your silly little scheme, like she has you all figured out. Your eyes narrow dangerously. The night behind your window pools dark, with far away city lights glimmering before they, too, seem to dim. 
Your roommate is back on your shitlist. How her name was missed among the rest.
“I’m defending my honor.” You yelp, the playfulness back in your voice along with your sunny smile, “I can’t have my wifey slandering me online. At least do it in private, geez.”
If Rae’s such a good detective, you’ll give her a good chase. Perhaps you’ve been laying it on too thick. Made her too suspicious. She can’t out you yet--not when your plans are so grand, so fun. It would be a waste.
“Why weren’t you saying anything then?” Quackity questions.
“Do I need a reason not wanting to talk to you?” You shoot back. Your friends laugh and he tries to shriek something past their cackle. You lean back into your chair, the tension from Rae’s confrontation finally easing. You wink at the camera and bring a finger to your lips. The roaches swear to secrecy, elated by your wickedness. As appropriate, they spam devil emojis and various renditions of evil hohohos and hehehes. The apple truly does not fall far from the tree. You had raised them well. You raise your glass in solidarity. A few donations fall into your pocket, easily summed up as: make them suffer.
Muting the discord call, you give a single response, “Oh, I intend to.”
i hope this doesn’t awaken something in me
^already too late for me bro
As caught up in wreaking havoc among your viewers as you are, you miss Sykkuno’s entrance, though from what you can tell, Charlie gave a stern warning to back the fuck off to him, too. He’s playing into your plan so beautifully. Truly, you couldn’t do this without him. Back to stalking the chat you go.
Your eyes flicker to the game upon Bretman’s signature drawl and “Hi, daddy.”. You have no time to get offended at Corpse’s sweet “Hi, honey” back, because the next person to join the discord call and the lobby leaves you speechless. You knew, of course, you had been informed of the line-up, but still, you had never expected yourself to be so close to Jomes Chorles himself. You make a weird gesture with your hands, half wave half excited wiggle, as if you’re telling the audience to calm down, when, in fact, it is you that needs calming.
He goes saying his hello’s like doing a public service, name by name, before, lastly, uttering, “Hi, Miss Y/n. Loooove the vids.”
He’s a roach in disguise, who could’ve known?! Your audience is so diverse and unexpected, gosh, you’d shed a tear if the mascara wasn’t so expensive.
“Hi!” You reply with a grin, and it’s genuine this time, a glimmer of your old self, “Hi, I love your videos, too. It’s like, really cool to finally meet you.”
“Oh my God, you too!” Is his enthusiastic reply, “Okay, the energy in the studio today? Love it.”
“Is this all of us?” Quackity asks.
“Sadly.” James says with a note of disappointment.
“HEY!”
“Okay, guys!” Ash chimes, “Let’s do this! Proximity Among Us, round one, go go go!”
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Luck does not shine upon you during the first round- you are stuck as Crew Mate, your life cut short by Bretman who had the audacity to bite your head off. You’re positive Ke$ha wrote her hit single Cannibal about him, and if she didn’t, she definitely had a That’s So Raven moment and predicted it. It’s also insanely suspicious as after you are eliminated he sticks real close to Corpse, feigning innocence (and this is a controversial opinion you do not endorse) better than even you. It wounds your pride, having been picked off so casually, so quickly, and now stuck a ghost you roam the halls of the dying spaceship, lost, confused, heartbroken.
Charlie runs past you, not once even glancing in your direction. “Brother...” You mutter sadly, “Do you not see me here? Do you not feel... the loss of your twin’s heartbeat...?" Damn, these mimosas really are making you emotional. You sniffle and take a sip to calm the storm within you. No rage, just sadness. You are still processing your own tragic demise.
Suddenly, a meeting is called. There’s a horrible red X on your astronaut. You are the only one dead so far, and of course the rest won’t vote out the fucker. How bitterly you sit! With your arms crossed over your chest and your glare sharp enough to cut through glass. Fuck the sad shit, now you’re just angry. At the very least, the second Impostor could’ve given you some company!
“I knew something felt off.” Charlie is first to speak.
“Who the fuck killed Y/n?” Corpse questions, and his voice ignites a whole discussion that lasts much too short. The others skip, having no suspect yet. It’s much too soon to start pointing fingers, but you still feel like they should have at least tried. Pouting, you fix yourself another drink.
“Stop drinking!?” You gasp, exasperated at your chats demands, “I’m dead! What else should I do, the tasks?! Nah, fuck that. I’m done. I’m out. Charlie better employ his fucking detective skills because if the Impostors win, I will literally quit the game--yes I will, no I’m not bullshitting, fucking watch me.”
Thankfully, Bretman was caught venting, and you didn’t have to end the stream prematurely. The second Impostor, your roommate (oh, the betrayal, Rae, how could you?!) was voted out due to Corpse’s suspicion. Victory to the Crew Mates! The game restarts and you find yourself back in the lobby.
“Miss Y/n,” Bretman says, “I am sooo sorry for killing you first, baby. It was just too easy. I couldn’t pass it up.”
Giggling, Quackity chimes, “Sister slaughtered.”
“Oh my God,” James groans, “shut up!”
“Yeah, Y/n.” Charlie speaks, and there’s an accusatory note in his calm voice, “Why the fuck did you allow yourself to be eliminated first? Real noob shit, I expected more of you.”
“HUH?!” You frown, “What’s with the victim blaming?! I literally was doing my task and Bretman snuck up on me. It’s not like I had a weapon to defend myself!”
“You have been avenged,” Corpse states, “and that’s all that matters.”
“Thank you, Corpse!” You say, “At least someone cares.”
“Hey, I helped, too!” Dream pipes up.
“No, you didn’t.” Corpse shoots him down, “I was the only one.”
“You were not--”
“Literally was. Isn’t that right, Sykkuno?”
“Uhhhh-” Sykkuno trails off, “Well, we-we all helped!” You can hear his shy smile, and you just know he’s bobbing his head up and down at this exact moment, “We all helped. Team work!”
“Team work!” The rest echo, save for yourself, Corpse, Charlie, and the two Impostors. Silence speaks more than a thousand words or whatever. You pray to any higher power willing to listen to finally assign you the role of the villain, the one you were born to do. 
Sadly, higher powers must have either shitty customer service or are in need of hearing aids, and you almost scream in frustration when your astronaut appears along with the others, the bold CREW MATE title chipping away at your master plan.
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“Hey, Y/n, hey! Hey, Y/n!” Rae finds you in Cafeteria, where you, metaphorically, are eating your feelings. Not that she needs to know, of course. She sounds chipper, a bit ditsy, and that must mean she’s sufficiently tipsy. You store that information for later, and forget about it as soon as you notice Dream and Sykkuno, like her very own personal bodyguards, trailing after her, “Wanna play a game?!”
“Is this Saw?” You inquire, somewhat lazy. You’d be lying if you said the alcohol wasn’t affecting you, it’s just instead of making you bubbly, it makes you mellow. This was supposed to be fun, you were supposed to terrorize everyone and laugh as they perished by your hand, yet here you are, wallowing in self-pity. The roaches start worrying. The donation jingle chimes.
BEATINGS & SLUTATIONS yns_fishnets donated 5$ mom just wait it out & dont worry youll get your vengeance soon lead them on!!!!
Your fishnets have a point! 
“Saw?--No, no, haa, no it’s a drinking game.” Dream sounds like he has had one too many rounds of this mysterious game, and naturally, you are intrigued.
“Where we drink!” Sykkuno clarifies. Right, well that explains everything! If you had any questions, you surely have none now.
“Okay, so, name a category, and you have to, like, say a word associated with it...Or something along those lines.” You hadn’t even agreed and Rae is explaining the rules already. She knows you too well. It’s both a blessing and a curse, “Can be anything! Okay, Y/n, Y/n, Y/n start!”
“Uhh--” If only your brain computed as fast as she spoke! “Song lyrics! Wait--who drinks?”
“You fail, you drink!” She hurries, “Choke me like you hate me but you love meeeeee. Syk, go, go go!”
“Uhm, ah, I don’t wanna feel like this, uh, fuck?” He laughs--it’s a raspy, embarrassed little sound, “I don’t...wanna look like this? Dream, now you!”
“Wait, we’re singing Corpse’s songs?”
“Any song!” You urge him quickly, “Hurry! Or drink!”
“She say I kill her cat like I'm Luka Magnotta--”
“Hey! That’s cheating! You can’t use my song!” Rae protest.
“That wasn’t in the rules!” He counters.
“Y/n! Time’s running out!” Sykkuno exclaims.
“Oh, uh, will-will the real Slim Shady please stand up!”
NOT EMINEM WHAT THE FUCK
MOOOM WHT THE HELL THIS ISNT 2008 T_T
“Ra-Ra-Rasputin, Russia’s greatest love machine--”
“All...All the other kids with the pumped up kicks better, uhh, run better run, faster...-faster than my gun?”
“Uhh, shit--fucking hell.” Dream laughs, and Rae practically screams at him to keep going, “Alright! Okay! I’m singing--uh, you’re so golden, na na na na?”
“I tell you what a woman loves most,” You chime gleefully, “it’s a man who can slap but can also stroke.”
finally, the mother mother representation we’ve all been waiting for
i aint exactly gay but i aint exactly not gay >:)
the bis won
“I steal a few breeeeaaaths from the woooorld for a minute--”
“Mitski?!” You question, eyes bulging, “Baby, who hurt you?”
Even if you can’t see her, you know she’s waving her arms around and shaking her head, “Not the point! Sykkuno!”
“Uh, I-I, uhm, I don’t--”
“Drinnnnk!” You all chorus. 
“It was a good concert,” You say, “Syk, I’ll drink with you.”
“Thank you, Y/n. That’s very kind of you.” He says softly, with a smile lining his lips. You grin.
“Oh, fine. Everyone, bottoms up!” Rae decides, and no one protest. A moment of silence passes, then, “Well, GG, GG, let’s do some tasks?”
Your enthusiastic Ariana Grande-esque “yuh” is cut short by the second meeting of game two being called. The first one to go had been Ash, voted out during a bathroom break as a joke, and you still feel a bit bad about that. Now, you notice Charlie has been eliminated. A sense of righteousness fills you--while you mourn for your brother from another mother and father and family tree, you feel like this is divine punishment for slandering you before the start of this round. Karma. Nothing much is discussed, and the meeting ends shortly with everyone skipping. 
You spend a good ten minutes wandering around with Dream, who’s mission appears to be convincing you to join his Minecraft server, and really, there was no need for him to try so hard. You failed to provide him with a concrete answer only because it would've been to humiliating to admit that you agreed instantly upon hearing the word Minecraft.
That’s when things get fucking weird. Another meeting is called whilst you’re in the middle of fixing lights, and once the board with the members appears you audibly gasp. There had been 8 living, breathing astronauts rushing around the map, and now only 4 remain. You, Corpse, James, and Alex. 
“What the fuck--what the fuck?!” You screech alarmed, noting Dream being among the perished crew, “I was just with Dream fixing the lights, I was just with him, what the fuck--”
“Okay, no one panic.” James says, “Let’s figure this out. Okay? Okay. Who else is close to Electrical?”
“I’m at Nav.” Quackity says.
“I’m at Cafeteria, but Y/n--” Corpse starts, “kinda weird that Dream died when you were with him?”
“I didn’t fucking kill him, I swear to God, Corpse, why are you accusing me?”
“Don’t be so defensive.” He says smoothly, “I’m just pointing out the obvious. We all have a reason to be sus, no? Considering you were right with him.”
“...It is suspicious.” James agrees, and a part of you dies inside. You understand their hesitance to trust you, but it doesn’t make it any less frustrating!
“Guys, I didn’t kill him, I swear. He invited me to play Minecraft, I wouldn’t do that to him, not after that!”
Corpse merely hums, and it brings no comfort what’s so ever. The situation is spiraling, and not in your favor. Trying to salvage your chances at freedom, you try again, “Wh-James, James, you called the meeting, right?”
“Yeah, I found Rae’s body near Medical.”
“So I couldn’t have killed her and Dream at the same time!” You latch onto that piece of information, hoping it will save you.
“You could’ve vented.” Corpse points out, “Plus, there’s no telling how old the body is.”
“Killing five fucking people? It’s the work of one person, or else the game would have already ended. As it stands, I am no way sober enough to think all of this out.”
A brief silence hangs in the air; your lungs constrict from tension, from spilling words so hotly. You grasp your glass, as if for emphasis, and take a shy sip. It taste sweet, a bit too sweet for your liking. Must be your nerves. You drink again to wash the taste out of your mouth, which, surprisingly, doesn’t work. You whine a little, stomping your feet like a child about to throw a temper tantrum.
“...I believe her.” Quackity says. You breathe out a sigh of relief.
“Alex, thank youuuuuu!” You gush, batting your lashes as if he could somehow see you and that would somehow portray your innocence, “I knew I liked you for a reason!”
He mutes his mic, his spill of words lost to your ears, but chat helpfully informs that he’s screaming because you don’t hate him. 
y/n out here collecting men like pokemon cards
Now all that’s left is to convince the others. You start with the one you know will work, “Corpse,” You address him in your sweetest voice.
“Y/n,” James warns, “don’t you dare--”
“Baby, I didn’t kill anyone, I’m crew mate, you gotta believe me.”
“She's innocent.” Corpse declare, thoroughly convinced.
“Oh my fucking God, you fucking simp!” James laughs, “She’s obviously manipulating you!”
“No, no, she isn’t. She’s innocent, I agree with Quackity. Now, it’s either you or him.”
“Could be you for all we know!” Alex accuses.
“Guys, time’s running out.” You mutter fretfully, noting the seconds tick by from white to red. 
“I’m voting Alex.” Corpse says.
“What?! Fucking traitor! Fine, I’m voting for you.” Alex hisses.
“Ugh, hate agreeing with Quackity, but I’m also voting Corpse. Sorry, hon, nothing personal.” James says. The VOTED icons pop up beside their characters and you panic, pressing your mouse idly but it’s too late, there wasn’t enough time, and you cry as Corpse is thrown into lava. The chat spams F, and it feels like salt on a fresh wound.
In a second you’re back in Cafeteria, shell-shocked and trembling, and Quackity cusses because the Impostor is still among you. His frustration doesn’t last long as you watch in horror as Jams Chortles, beauty guru supreme, murders the only other crew mate in cold blood and all you can do is gape and let his cheerful laughter fill your ears. The screen bleeds red, informing of Impostor victory, the second one being Ash. Looks like you voted her off for the right reason, but little difference did it make.
“Corpse!” You yell past the cacophony of voices, all in varying forms of excitement or anger, beelining for his in-game figure, “Corpse, I’m so sorry, I panicked, I tried pressing the button but I wasn’t quick enough--”
“It’s alright, baby. Don’t worry about it.” He’s so calming, so gentle, you might burst into tears again. What did you do to deserve him? You wish he was with you so you could smother him in a hug. Alas, all you can do now is say “I kith you, mwah!” and rush to the other side of the lobby, as if to hide from such a bold display of affection, even if it was a joke (it wasn’t).
yall say corpse simps for y/n but the reality is y/n simps for corpse harder
queen stop its embarrassing
bhaddies can simp!! i wouldnt but its her choice <3
More deliberations, commentary, and short breaks. Once everyone has returned, the countdown starts. You’re still reeling from the chaos of emotions, the five stages of grief you experienced in 1 second upon Corpse’s unjust demise, that it takes you a moment, a single heartbeat to realize what you’re seeing on screen.
The letters IMPOSTOR hang above your astronaut, with Dream standing just behind you as your newly appointed partner in crime. And suddenly, all the sadness and the tenderness and sympathy vanish with a curt exhale. You slowly turn your head to the chat, muting the Discord call, your soft chuckle of disbelief turning into a full blown laugh.
it’s happening!!!! 
omg omg omg omg
VILLAIN ARC VILLAIN ARC VILLAIN ARC
You slap your palm over your lips, trying to contain your wicked smile, to tone down your broken giggles, “N-No, I can’t laugh yet,” shaking your head softly, you look into the camera, “they’re all going to die.”
pack it up light yagami
this has awoken something in me.
^ same
The crew mates go their own ways, rushing to do their tasks like the diligent little workers they are. How adorable. Their grim fate is still miles away from them. The shit you’ll pull will be for the history books. Much like your outfit, which you picked keeping in mind your newfound thirst for blood, you had devised your plan of action with care and consideration. You had been mulling it over all day, drawing on paper like the absolute madwoman you are; hell, you even made sticky notes on who to go for first and what to say. Sure, being moderately drunk hinders your memory slightly (an understatement of the century), but you got a feel for what you’re going to do. It’s nothing short of evil.
Dream and you don’t exchange words, you merely nod at him-- which he, of course, can’t see-- but your criminal bond enables telepathic communication. You can hear his thoughts, ones that strangely sound like drink drink, drink drink. And really, who are you to refuse such an enticing offer?! As he fucks off to stalk his victims, or play pretend, you take a sip. The cocktail is still sweet, but this time it’s not the icky sweet you had tasted prior. You glance at your sticky notes, ones the roaches can’t see, and nearly spill your drink for the second time today as you jerk.
“Fuck!” You exclaim, shoving your headphones off and spinning in your chair. You hastily stand up, wobble -- the world is pleasantly funny right about now -- and giggle. Stepping past the mountains of abandoned clothes and pillows and blankets and anime plushies, you maneuver your way to your bedside table and yank it open, nearly taking out the whole drawer with you. In the mess of old diaries and bad drawings, pencils, jewelry, and stickers, you fish out something you should not be wielding in your inebriated state.
It’s a knife.
In midst of teenage angst you had ordered it off of Amazon with your mom’s credit card, all the while whining that it’s not a phase, mom, and it’s what all of my cool kid friends with fried hair have, and don’t you want me to fit in, don’t you want your daughter to be happy?! You think it’s about that time, the time of too much uneven eyeliner and black eye shadow, that she took to calling you little raccoon. Trash rabbit was your personal favorite, but she used it sparingly. When you presented your Macy’s outfit, holding up a fucking butterfly knife, to your dad, asking if it was a look, he glanced up from some boring business magazine all boring business dads read and said, with a bright smile might you add, “It’s a something!”.
Oh, how it gleams in the lilac light. You used to do tricks with it, back in eight grade maybe, and--what the fuck? Why did you parents allow you to buy it in the first place? Well, because you’re the only child, the only one important, of course they got it for you and clapped enthusiastically at your performances, because why wouldn’t they? The whining they’d face otherwise would’ve been harder to endure than a whole dance number to Panic! At The Disco’s greatest hits. Broadway looked so fucking shabby in comparison. Your mom said so, so it must be true.
Stumbling back to your extremely confused viewers, you take your seat, feeling a bit more grounded now that you’re not standing on your platform shoes anymore. Putting on your headphones, you grin at the chat that starts swimming, and not from too much drinking either. You do a quick flick of your wrist, one that thankfully doesn’t end in injury, and the sharp tip of the exposed knife points upwards, glimmering. It’s a rainbow colored one, because one, it’s pretty, and two, you weren’t hardcore enough for the jet-black or straight up military ones the other emo kids had. Cute and dangerous, just like you.
So you just sit there, holding it up, looking somewhat sly as the roaches capture this momentous moment with screen-caps. Someone definitely clipped you trudging past the obstacle course to obtain a weapon of mass destruction. You must be already trending on Twitter, though you can’t exactly log on and confirm your suspicions. You just feel like you might be, like you should be, because your audience wouldn’t let this slide. Thankfully, your friends don’t have time to check social media, or you’d be outed in an instant.
“Y/n?” Your roommates voice booms from your headphones, and you perk up with a stupid realization that you completely forgot about Among Us. Stuck at the start, at the lobby where Dream had left you, you see her astronaut waddling to you, “What are you doing here? Wait--Have you not moved from the beginning?” She can barely finish the sentence without giggling. 
You grin, “I was looking for something.”
Your voice is soft, too calm for your usual frantic spill. You gently set the knife down, hand coming to rest on your mouse, fingers idly, slowly, bouncing on the buttons.
“...What were you looking for?” She’s none the wiser, the numerous drinks consumed tonight numbing her sharp mind. She would have noticed. Your eerie composure would’ve given it away in a heartbeat, or at least hinted at something being objectively wrong. But she sounds curious. Poor girl, hasn’t she heard? Curiosity killed the cat.
“A knife.”
“A knife?!” There’s something about her tone that implies a mental clicking, the puzzle pieces falling together, “You have a knife?!”
“Yes.”
“No!”
You think it would only be appropriate that the random sequence of killing animations renders the backstabbing one. You grin, biting your lower lip with a quiet snicker.
i love women
if evil bad...why seggy?
You take your time leaving her there -- in true serial-killer-to-be fashion, you stick around for a bit longer, admiring your handiwork, or more like the chat singing your praises. You joined today with the intent of making an interesting stream. You have no doubt in your mind that now it will be legendary.
You move down the hallway, and you let your imagination wander: you can almost feel the stuffy air of your helmet, can almost hear your loud footsteps echoing in all this hush, can almost see your reflection in the spotless tile floor. It’s not long before your second victim makes an appearance, running circles in Cafeteria. You hear his voice first before you see him, recognizing Alex by his unhinged screech of “Let’s go, let’s go, let’s goooo!” 
“And what’s got you so excited?” How cool and collected you are, gosh, you barely contain the quiver of excitement that threatens to slip out. 
“Y/n!” He exclaims, rushing to your side like a lost puppy--he’s really making this easy for you, he’s not even trying, “You just missed--Oh my fucking God, you just missed James, he-he called me tall, he called me fucking tall! Let’s go, let’s gooooo!”
“Well, you are tall, aren’t you?” You chime sweetly, almost as sweet as the drink that lingers on the tip of your tongue, “Real 6′3 energy, no?”
“Yes, yes, exactly! You get it, you fucking get it--” Once again, his mic goes mute, and you glance at the chat for help.
hard to transcribe what hes saying but hes taking shots and yelling that he loves you good job mom
hey, queen! girl, you have done it again, constantly raising the bar for us all and doing it flawlessly
mom plz dont kill alex hes too cute hes all uwu rn
Oh, how you’re about to break his poor little heart. If you had any good left in you, you’d spare him. You don’t, and you’re not taking requests at the moment, so all you do is smile at your chat and they know. They just do. Hive-mind shit, you’re all two-faced little fuckers.
You giggle, and it sounds a tad fake, “You’re so weird, Alex,” You start, and he’s back in the call, a sound of confusion echoing in your ears, “but I get it, you know. You’re weird. You’re a weirdo. You don’t fit it, and you don’t want to fit in. I mean, really, has anyone even seen you without your stupid hat?”
“...Do--” He sputters, bellowing a laugh, “Do you have that whole fucking monologue memorized?!”
“Is it because you’re bald?”
“I’m not fucking bald!” His giddiness is quickly replaced by anger.
You hum, pretend to think, lastly barking a “Liar.” before you kill him. His scream is cut off, leaving only deafening silence at it’s wake. Unlike with Rae, you don’t stick around. You didn’t appreciate how little he enjoyed your recital.
You run into James near Navigation, most likely on his way to Cafeteria. He ends his song mid-note, and you breathe a sigh of relief, “Finally! Someone! I’ve been looking all over, where the hell is everyone?” You question, blocking his way, lest he accidentally stumbles onto the crime scene and easily pins it on you. You’re not done yet.
“Honestly? No clue. I’m searching for them myself, like, everyone’s scattered. I hope no one died.”
You smile. You tried not to, but you can’t contain it, “Me, too.” You echo the sentiment, urging him to join you, and he does. Too trusting. Everyone in this game is too fucking trusting. You lead him back to Nav, feigning that you have a task here. As you pretend to move the spaceship, you can’t help but ask, “Hey, James?”
“Yeah?”
“What’s your favorite scary movie?”
A beat of silence passes, “Oh no, fuck that, I don’t like this at all.” He states, about to spin on his heel and bolt like he should do, but you’re quicker-- killer instincts and all-- and he’s dead before he makes it out the doorway.
“See, after your No More Lies video, I figured you’d only tell the truth.” Yes, this is the part of the anime where the villain monologues, only the hero in this case is an astronaut cut in half, and not exactly alive to listen to you. You hope James’ ghost sticks around, “Case in point, why the fuck did you tell Quackity he’s tall?” You eye the chat, which’s mostly spamming W and comparing you to Ryo from Devilman Crybaby. “Such a shame...” You murmur, pressing the REPORT button.
“What?! How are so many people dead?!” Ash gasps, her kind voice tinted with fear and confusion. Your three kills, like military stars on an uniform of a distinguished officer, are displayed on the board. Dream appears to be slacking, having yet to take a life.
“Someone’s been real fucking busy.” Charlie observes. It’s true, you have been.
“I found James in Nav, but holy shit--” You begin, exasperated, “--what the fuck, guys, how did we miss this shit? Where is everyone?”
“I’m at Electrical.” Corpse voices.
“And I’m with Corpse.” One sentence is all it takes to figure out your next target: Bretman. Revenge for being killed first in the first goddamn round, and for spending so much time with your boyfriend.
Eep!!! Boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend!!! The word even makes you forget your thirst for blood, that’s how whipped you are. Sadly, it’s time to return to reality, to this grave situation.
“And what have the two of you been conspiring?” You keep your tone level, but that alone is enough to set everyone off. The unease you had planted within them before the game started is starting to bloom. However, if they suspect you, they don’t speak up, not yet.
“Fishnets, mostly.” Corpse says.
only partly a lie he was mostly talking abt u queen <3
corpse simping for y/n is the sweetest thing ever
the times corpse used y/ns name when talking abt y/n: 1. the times he used baby or my baby: infinite
“I’m wearing them right nyoooow.” Bretman drawls.
You hum, “What a coincidence. I am, too.”
“Wait--For real?” That seems to catch Corpse’s attention, because of course it does, you picked them with him in mind, after all.
“No peeping.” You tsk, obviously referring to his tendency to hop onto your stream unprompted. Whether he actually listens to your demands is beyond you, “Peeping means cheating.”
“For the love of fuck all, can we get back to the three dead bodies, please? Because I’m about to have a second coming of Christ moment and taste my consumed, digested beer for the second time.” Charlie interjects.
“I mean, anyone have any ideas who’d do this?” Dream takes hold of the conversation. Quiet, disappointed nos greet him. They have nothing to go on, no clues, not even a subliminal message. With everyone scattered, there is no way of locating the actual bodies and drawing a long red trail leading back to you. 
You’re too good at lying, and Dream is too good of a publicist. People tend to trust his judgement, which is his main asset (besides his calm demeanor of course). When the Among Us gods chose you as Impostor, they made sure you had every advantage. 
“Who-Who do you think it is, Dream?” Ash questions, “I trust you. I do. Just know that.”
“No fucking clue.”
“Y/n?” She tries again.
“Same. I’m a bit worried, though.”
“Let’s, uhhh, let’s skip?” Sykkuno offers. The consensus is to start voting at six. Your new mission is to make sure you dwindle the numbers down drastically before that can happen. You have no qualms about sacrificing Dream in order to meet your goals, either. Absolutely cold blooded.
Back at Cafeteria, there are words exchanged about Quackity’s body just laying there, forgotten. Blame is shifted: how come we didn’t notice sooner? Where’s Rae? And you mindlessly go along with their mourning, not really paying attention. Dream leaves with Charlie and Sykkuno, Corpse requests you stay with him and you sprout fake apologies. Not his time yet. Us girls need to stick together!, you sing, following after Ashley and getting further and further away from him, going deeper and deeper into the labyrinth of the spaceship.
You find yourself in Security with her, her cute astronaut pressed to the cameras, watching the live feed, “Let’s lurk here, okay? Maybe we’ll see something.” If only she saw who was standing behind her. 
“Who do you think is the Impostor?” You ask, standing in the doorway, “Or, more like, who are the Impostors?”
“Honestly?” She ends her word with a little sigh, “I think it might be Corpse and Bretman. I haven’t seen them at all this game.”
You smile, raising your brows, tilting your heard, and you sound so kind, like a dear old friend about to deliver a tender message, “...Have you seen me?”
“SHIT!”
Too late. In one smooth motion she joins the afterlife. You cut the lights, venting mindlessly till you spot Corpse and Bretman panicking in Weapons. Your existence is still a mystery to them.
“Fuck fuck fuck fuck--” Corpse mumbles, “Bretman, don’t you dare fucking kill me right now.”
“I’m not Impostor!”
“Okay, I’ll drink to that.”
They rush out of Weapons, most likely on their way to Electrical, and you trail after them like the Grim Reaper itself, biding your time till you can deliver the killing blow.
“Corpse?!” You call out, mild panic ringing in your voice, “Is that you?”
“Shit, Y/n? Where are you?” He questions. Crew vision is so sad, so small, how can he not see you standing almost right next to him? “Where’s Ash?”
“I dunno,” You say, “when the lights went out I ran. Please don’t kill me.”
“I’d never do that, baby.”
Too easy. They’re all too fucking easy. You bite your lower lip, trying to stop the laugh bubbling in your chest, to stop the lightheaded dizziness that overcomes you with a rush of excitement. 
“Thanks, pretty boy.” You mutter, and it sounds a bit lower than you intended, a bit darker, something sinister lurking underneath cotton candy words. It instantly clicks in Bretman and he makes a noise, something like a whine, and you see him backing away, “I know I can always trust you.” 
Whether Corpse notices the odd shift in tone, he doesn’t show it, “I like it when you call me that.” Is all he says, and you hear the smile in his voice, the appreciation. The trek to Electrical is all but forgotten. You slowly make your way to Bretman, “Where are you? Come here.”
“Just a minute,” You say cheerily, “I just need to kill Bret first.”
“Holy shit.”
“N-” Your victim’s sentence is cut off in a second, and you can’t contain your manic cackle this time, because the screen bleeds red, the words VICTORY splattered on it, depicting yours and Dream’s sneaky astronauts. You’re still laughing as the voices of your fallen friends ring in your ears.
“Y/n, what the fuck, you’re an actual monster.” Dream says, but there’s no actual weight behind his words, each syllable punctured with a laugh.
“I knew the second she asked me about my favorite scary movie that I’d get the chop.” James states.
“Wait, Y/n, did you kill everyone?” Corpse questions.
“She fucking did!” Dream answers for you, “I got Charlie and Sykkuno, and barely at that. What the fuck.”
“I’ve been waiting so fucking long for this.” You admit, giggling, raising you glass, “I toast to you, Dream. My perfect partner in crime.”
“I didn’t really do shit, but cheers.”
Quackity heaves a heavy sigh, “Y/n, Y/n, you don’t actually think I’m weird, right? Right?”
“No, she does.” James chimes.
“WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVER DO TO YOU, DUDE?!”
More commotion, more noise, and you just sit there, buzzed, snickering, reading the chat as the rest agree to play another round. You thank the people who donated that you had accidentally missed among the, you know, murder, reply to a few questions, bow dramatically to the many praises and invisible flowers you receive for such beautiful assassin work. When you look back at the screen, you throw your head back with a maniacal laugh.
Impostor again, only this time it’s with Charlie. Family bonds are often restored when united under a common goal. You’re so happy. So happy. You weren’t done terrorizing your friends yet.
✼  ҉  ✼  ҉  ✼  ҉  ✼  ҉  ✼  ҉  ✼
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✼  ҉  ✼  ҉  ✼  ҉  ✼  ҉  ✼  ҉  ✼
tags (in italics is those i couldn’t tag! make sure all’s ok w your settings!) : @littlebabysandboxburritos​ - @fairywriter-oracle​ - @tsukishimawh0re​ - @ofstarsanddreams​ - @bbecc-a​ - @annshit​ - @leahh19​ - @letsloveimagines​ - @bellomi-clarke​ - @wineandionysus​ - @guiltydols​ - @onephootinfrontoftheother​ - @liamakorn​ - @thirstyfangirl​ - @lilysdaydreams​ - @pan-ini​ - @mxqicshxp​ - @tanchosanke​ - @yoshinorecommends​ - @flightsandfantasy​ - @liljennyx3​ - @bingusmode - @unknown-and-invisible​ - @sinister-sleep​ - @fivedicksinatrenchcoat​ - @mercury–moon - @peterparkerspjsuit​ - @unstableye​ - @simonsbluee​ - @shinyshimaagain​ - @ppopty​ - @siriuslystupid​ - @crapimahuman​ - @ofthedewthesunlight​ - @mythicalamphitrite​ - @artsyally​ - @corpsesimpp​ - @corpsewhitetee​ - @corpse-husbandsimp​ - @hyp-oh-critical​ - @roses-and-grasses​ - @rhyrhy462​ - @sparklylandflaplawyer​ - @charbkgo​ - @airwaveee​ - @creativedogs​ - @kaitlyn2907​ - @loxbbg​ - @afuckingunicornn​ - @fleurmoon​ - @yeolliedokai​
more tags are in the comments bcs tumblr only allows me to tag 50 people max 💙
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scourge-sympathiser · 3 years
Note
dont worry abt needing to add anything i just wanna share this idea b4 i forget it but also i dont rlly know any1 who likes warriors so,,,
okay i saw a little animation on utube about fallen leaves and while i was reading up on his wiki it hit me
in outcast, after jaypaw has been having dreams about fallen n his death, n after meeting him while looking 4 the missing kits in the tunnels, fallen asks him to stay but jay declines.
what if, unhappy w/ being forced to be a medcat, and wanting to live his *own* life he accepts? and a similar thing to what happened to holly happens where the cave entrance collapses (whether fallen and jay had smth to do with it or it was just convenient, idk), n everyone thinks that jay died saving these kits. but really hes living his best life in the caves. fallen teaches him how to hunt and fight well, bc the caves are dark, 's not like you can see very well even if you weren't blind.
and jay starts having the dreams where he's jay's wing, back in the ancients time, and its a little different where instead of having a crush on halfmoon he (jay's Wing) had a crush on fallen before fallen died in the caves. and thats why jay brings up the idea to leave to the mountains. and when he ends up back in the present he realizes that he once again has a crush on fallen.
and fallen remembers, or recognizes jay as jay's wing and is like "oh... Oh!" and realizes he also, once again, has a crush. and so jay choses that as his full name. Jaywing.
jay starts walking in dreams and having visions of The Battle, and at this point its been a couple of years at this point, the whole thing w/ ashfur happened and the gathering where holly tells after killing ash happens, and jay finds out through holly's dreams, bc shes projecting her own fears, anger, and insecurities hard while she sleeps. and that really makes jay upset but then he talks w/ fallen and comes to the conclusion that it doesnt matter who his real parents were, bramble and squirrel are still his parents to him.
eventually with the battle looming on the horizon, and rock urging him to go, he leaves the caves. and returns to thunderclan. n fallen can follow him due to his powers, and at first the clan think jay is a rogue or loner, but its dove who has Never seen him before who mentions that he's blind just from observing how carful he puts his paws down that everyone freezes before going "jay???"
and oh mouse dung, hes no longer a grumpy, scrawny medcat apprentice. he's still on the shorter side but he filled out, muscle no one thought he'd have ripples beneath his coat, he's as strong as a *warrior*. and has the skills as one, too. he can hunt and fight as well as the rest of them, its almost like he isn't blind when he's actually in the zone. but he still bumps into things n trips over roots or uneaven ground.
and yeah the Battle happens and he's out there, using his starsight to fight along side fallen leaves, until the battle is won and fallen reunites with his family, and is torn between staying with jay in the caves and actually going where hes supposed to. jay tells him to go, he'll be okay, and to wait for him.
but wait, if cats can be reincarnated and have powers... why can't the tribe of endless hunting and starclan let him properly live where he left off? so hes given another chance and put back into the tunnels with a physical form, and meets jay again and joins him in thunderclan.
idk thats what i have sorry abt rambling!!
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ok actually i kinda lov this? im a suckr 4 ghost romance & jay being like ok actually fuck yall........... i would perhapz move the kit thing a little further down the timeline so tht jay is a bit older tho, maybe
like the idea tht part of why fallen asked for him to stay waz a hint of fimiliarity tht just growz & one day he just like... Seez it on jayz face whn he wakez up from a dream about the ancients- or like maybe jay callz him by a nickname from timez long since passed, tht kinda thing? on one hand im like yea on the other the trope of "i like u bcuz u remind me of a dead personi loved" isnt my fav but like a little sprinkle isnt bad
interesting 2 think of wht would happen 2 hollyleaf with her escape into the cavez long since blocked off by both rockz n the truma of loosing a sibling.... like, doez she stay in the clanz? might be fun if she ended up living in the field tht crow & leaf once tried 2 leave thru, but also he awkwardly still being in thunderclan..... lov tht
n well i just Cannot care about the battle i do LOV jaywing coming out of the tunnelz just likle hai guyz whtz up :3 as if he didnt fake his own death.... also the idea of jay using his dreamwalking ability 2 just check up on his family & see how thy r like. Doing
idk about fallen coming back with a body bcuz tht seemz like more thn starclan or endless hunting could do but also it would be VERY VERY weird 4 fallen 2 come back w/ the regular method of being reborn a kit.......... pursonaly i think it would be fun for him 2 stay a ghost but no longer be attached 2 the cave system- instead just exploring & hanging out with jay who can alwayz sense his presence- other catz somtimez catch glimpsez but hez not like. very tangible most timez.... many catz think jay probably just lost it a little in the tunnelz, not tht he rly goez around like hey evry1 herez my ghost make he just talkz 2 himself, laughz at seemingly nothing, tht kinda thing
..... honest 2 god didnt mean 2 add this much im holding myself back, evn,
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thespoonisvictory · 3 years
Note
abt your post that discusses the argument that “nothing is inherently romantic” while i do see where people saying that come from (me holding my friend’s hand isn’t inherently romantic for instance) there is still societal perception and the way humans naturally draw patterns between certain behaviors, so while maybe calling someone by a nickname isn’t necessarily romantic, if you continuously use mushy and sentimental nicknames towards one person in particular, it’s natural for humans to see that and think “wow there’s smthn up w that”
which in terms of crimeboy fics and slapping platonic onto anything, means that authors aren’t intentionally trying to make their characters be seen as romantic but they tend to forget that most people would see these gestures as romantic regardless of its intention, and that certain acts are simply just now associated with romance
^^^
yeah! I'm all for dissolving society's expectations of what romance is and isn't, and same thing for platonic, but at some point you have to acknowledge that societal perception does still exist, which is probably why it makes me uncomfortable, like you said.
rambling nonsense ahead, crime boys fic conversation thrown out the window
idk it's such a complicated topic: like, what if romance in itself doesn't even exist because there are no behaviors that are exclusively romantic that weren't created by society. was romance just something we made up as a precursor to sexual attraction? in nature, courting/ mating dances are the closest thing to romance, but always have an eventual goal of reproducing. but then, for me, an asexual who still very much wants my perception of romance, and defines that through certain behaviors and feelings, that doesn't make sense.
every experience is different, sure, but like- how can you draw a line between platonic and romantic feelings, then, if not through ideals of 'courting' and physical intimacy? if the intention is different, sure ok, but what is that intention, that feeling? for me, it's divorced from sexual attraction, so it's not that, but then where does that feeling of 'this is romantic not platonic' come from then, if not from something tangible? if there's no difference between romantic and platonic beyond vaguely defined intentions, how does asexuality exist in the first place? idk man
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kae-karo · 2 years
Note
⭐️star⭐️ "human enough" please 🥺
ahhhhh hello nadej!!!! aaaaaa thank u thank u!!!! i love this one deeply 🙏🙏
for context - send me a fic you want director’s commentary on!
human enough - albedo (x albedo? sort of?)
He hums - Albedo hums. He gave himself a name.
write an entire fic without giving ur protag a name challenge GO lmaoooo truly that was a fun exercise tho? it felt important to me to make it super clear right away that susbedo viewed himself as Other and assumed everyone else did too and always would, and so, he doesn't give himself a name
“And still, you wish to be loved by them anyway...”
i just had SUCH strong emotions abt susbedo during the event??? and i wanted albedo to call him out for what he really wanted and to watch him fight with it. deny it, skirt the truth. i wanted to make him come to terms with it, and albedo is so straightforward that it felt like a good way to have him present it from the start (and considering the way susbedo seems to almost...revere albedo? idk i liked putting it in that framework, like he doesn't want to, but he kind of does...it gives him something to wrestle with throughout the story)
But what love could Albedo ever have for him?
ohhhhh my sweet summer child. this fic was originally gonna be actually tangibly romantic but it never ended up panning out that way at the end. i actually almost view their relationship as something akin to zhongxiao? if xiao were mistrustful/resentful toward zhongli at the beginning. anyway, i digress here lmao. i'm a slut for characters that think themselves undeserving of love
Those words that do not suit him, he discards, and who could blame him? He is nothing short of a perfect human, after all.
this was stolen conceptually directly from the event, the idea that humans discard the things that aren't good enough (and how he, in turn, was discarded) and it just made me so hurt for him, to feel that way, to assume albedo is the same
Too perfect to be human - is that his curse, then?
i had a LOT of fun playing around with the idea of 'perfectly human' versus 'imperfection' and imperfection being almost a requirement to be considered human, letting those concepts run in circles around each other in susbedo's head without any real conclusion
“Do you mean to ask if I love the entirety of humanity? Or desire them carnally, or platonically, or-”
i love albedo being a little cheeky? like, i think we've seen it a few times during the events he's been in, but it just melds so nicely with his character as this unexpected little quirk (how very human of him). and, to a degree, his jokes all have a point. he doesn't joke just for the sake of it, it always has some sort of meaning, which i find interesting for him as a character?
“Ours…” He lifts his gaze, finds Albedo’s brows raised. “Are they warm?”
this whole interaction made me just,,,,,sob a little bit? over susbedo's genuine desperation to be 'human'? and albedo knows, he gets that susbedo thinks that there's some sort of fix, some cure to make him Perfectly Human, and it's endearing in its own right. and poor susbedo is so caught up in this that he can't see the forest for the trees 🥺
“You are a remarkable being,” Albedo says then, quiet. Reverent...
it felt basically critically important to me to make sure that albedo expresses that he's not...like, looking down on susbedo for wanting what he wants? or wanting what albedo has? not that susbedo has interacted with many people, but like. albedo viewing him as his own individual self and acknowledging that that's a beautiful thing and that his value doesn't come from being an imitation of albedo
“I don’t know what I want...”
time to break him :) no really tho i love finding the boiling point for a character and getting them to snap, and it struck me as albedo pointing out the flaw in susbedo's logic and thought process. and it does break him, leave him without a truth to hold onto (because albedo is right, he doesn't think he wants that) and desperate for a new one
He steps forward, and his boots only dent the snow further.
snow is a metaphor for perfection :) sdlfkjjklsdfj i mean i feel like that one was obvious, but this is sort of the point where it starts to impose and carry more meaning - and, critically, where albedo starts to move and mar the snow as well
“How very human.”
obviously the critical point here that albedo's been building up to from the start, which ends the circuitous thinking that poor susbedo has been cycling through. i knew from the start that this would be the end point, more or less, where albedo points out that he is, in fact, a remarkable specimen of a human for his imperfections.
beyond the story, i fall heavily into the camp of 'susbedo became joel's father' because frankly it just makes too much sense. but in the realm of the story, i think he goes back, too. spends time with albedo, learns about being human from someone who already had to go through the process of learning. and it's probably a bit of susbedo being obstinate at first, mixed pretty heavily with hanging onto every single word albedo says, like full tsundere mode lmao. but really, they end up having a pretty unique but ultimately positive relationship built on understanding humans and parsing out their differences (this is critical for susbedo especially, after having spent so long crafting himself to be just like albedo) so a lot of unlearning and trying new things and the like. i think he gives himself his own birthmark, one that's not quite like albedo's but something he spent a lot of time on designing for himself, a mark to show that he's not perfect, that he's human, that he's exactly as human as he wants to be
human enough, one might say :)
send me a fic you want director’s commentary on!
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lewis-winters · 3 years
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You can absolutely publish it I just wanna see if you agree. Okay so hear me out the major issues these two have is a) they're not great at expressing themselves and b) they have entirely /different/ ways of showing love, and that's what crosses their wires. Joe is all about implicit love. It's in actions, in caring for the person and spending time with them - an "I'm spending time with you, interacting with you, showing some affection, and the fact that I'm love with you is spoken through that" kind of thing. Nothing has to be said. HOWEVER. For David it's the opposite. He needs the validation of it, the explicit expression of love, that it's sincere and tangible and real, else he's uncertain of what's actually happening, what's being felt and expressed. I don't know if this makes sense, but then I made myself emotional thinking abt them learning these things about each other, working to each make sure the other feels it in the easiest way for them to interpret... anyway now I'm off to crush myself under the latest installment of "Rivers Reach The Sea"
NO ANON YOU'RE RIGHT YOU'RE TOTALLY RIGHT AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH I'VE THOUGHT THIS TOO
Maybe that's why they appeal to me so much-- learning about each other and working toward understanding each other and pushing yourself in order to meet the others needs is a God Tier Dynamic. I love relationship dynamics like that. Sure, to an outsider it looks like it's strained, but to them (and those who know them) it's a work in progress. It's a painful work in progress, but then again when is learning something ever not painful?
I also think it just reflects their backgrounds very well. Joe must have grown up in a very tactile household, whereas David grew up in a society whose highest form of affection was a small smile and a pat on the back. That affects how they interact with the world and each other.
I think, as they get older and grow together, they become more perceptive of the other's love language. On bad days, when David needs to hear it, Joe will say it. On bad days, when Joe needs to be reminded, David will go out of his way to do small things for him.
The... funny thing I also realized is, even if their primary love languages (both "giving" and "receiving"-- both our boys are simple boys, their "giving" and "receiving" love languages are the same) don't match up, their secondary love languages (again, both kinds) are the same.
Acts of Service is their middle ground. Sure, Joe does it with more finesse than David does because, let's face it, David's solution to most things is throwing money at it and Joe is uncomfortable with that (that's another thing they need to get over), but once they find out that this is where they meet in the middle, they thrive.
Joe making David coffee after a long night of writing.
David helping Joe fix the tire of his taxi then going inside to get him some water because it's hot out.
Joe helping David fix the sails on the boat (also this might be for his peace of mind as well, lbr, he will never not be nervous about David going out to sea in his tiny ass boat).
David making Joe lunch for him to take on his shifts.
Either one of them taking turns cleaning out the house when the other is having a hard time in their respective work places.
Ugh. I just. I love that. I love that for them.
Idk, but when these two are done so well, I'm a mess over them. I just. I love them so much. Ugh. It's so gross how much I love them HAHAHAHAHAH.
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angrylizardjacket · 4 years
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Yaaasss!!! Jelous Ben was si cuteee and we love a supportive mother, her mom is fantastic and a savage. I hace a question, how did you come up with reader's character in x-men?? I legit googled it as I thought it was a real character, so welk done.
i love her mum so fuckin much, dude, she’s supportive but can still be embarrassing at times. i wrote her, not like my actual mum, but like my dad now that i think about it. dude literally told me over the phone that he’d physically fight people for shittalking me (not just in general, there’s more context, but the point still stands). idk i think it’s disingenuous to not let parental characters have certain flaws, like they’re allowed to be overprotective and spiteful, as well as caring and supportive. i love her too.
oH SHIT DUDE LEMME TALK ABT MY GIRL CASSIDY TEMPLE I LOVE HER SO FUCKING MUCH AND I”VE PUT SO MUCH THOUGHT INTO HER THAT THIS WILL HAVE A READ MORE
so cassidy’s powers are actually based off of an xmen oc i’ve already written 70k about, Aoibheal Cassidy, younger sister of Banshee, Sean Cassidy, and Cassidy Temple’s name is a reference to her, since originally I was going to essentially have Y/N playing Aoibheal (because it’s my fic and i can include an homage to my xmen oc as a treat). the powers themselves are based loosely on Multiple Man from X-Men: The Last Stand, except Cassidy’s clones can’t live a life of their own like his can. In the xmen fic, aoibheal starts off with having unlimited clones, and they can explode because i thought it was neat tbh.
From the original fic, Molotov Heart, chapter 3, rubatosis:
[Context; humans experimenting on mutants between X-Men First Class and X-Men Days Of Future Past have caught Sean and Aoibheal and they experiment on them even though Aoibheal’s powers have not manifested (she is approximately 13) and they kill her brother in front of her]:
Stunned into silence, she can feel something white-hot building inside of her, all the rage and fear and pain becoming almost tangible.
She mutates.
Copies of Aoibheal, clones, appear around them, filling up the space between the now screaming and bewildered 'doctors'. Aoibheal herself doesn't seem to notice the clones, bawling her eyes out, an action the clones themselves are mirroring, and she thinks of nothing but freedom and escape, focusing on the white-hot feeling inside of her until it overwhelmed her. With the force of a bunker-buster bomb, the clones began to combust, began to explode, first a few, and then all at once. Killing the human personel who had kept her hostage, the blast reduced the warehouse to mere cinders, freed Aoibheal and left her clothing in tatters, but she was alive damn it.
The reason Cassidy has a limited number is because i needed a way to have her powered up as a horseman, like a distinct power up, rather than just something unseen like heightened reflexes and strength. 
I would like to point out also, that it’s not stated, but Cassidy’s explosions (NOT AOIBHEAL’s) are never to do with heat, they’re always about force. the explosions themselves are never hot, never have anything to do with fire or anything like that, she builds up force inside of the clones, and lets it tear her apart from the inside out as a wave that destroys the things it comes into contact with.
The scream was originally hereditary, like Banshee, it developed as her secondary mutation.
From the Marvel Wiki:
The Secondary Mutation (or "Second Mutation") is a phenomenon in which an existing mutant undergoes another mutation, gaining additional powers, such as healing, or a change in appearance.
Secondary mutation is noted as the appearance of new powers, or an increase in existing powers.
It was stated by Beast that the secondary mutations usually occurred in the twenties of the subjects, and generally appeared in time of great stress.
From the original fic, chapter 8, nodus tollens:
The appearance of the secondary mutation:
The world falls apart in a blur of movement. The gun goes off just after Raven jumps and makes a break for the window, the bullet curves as she crashes through the glass, following her on the way down. Tackling Erik earns Hank a mean right hook to the jaw, but Aoibheal’s there, looking at Trask like a dear in the headlights, memories whipping through her head like a hurricane - the sick fuck looks pleased to see her – her mouth falls open and she screams. She and the clone scream in tandem, their voices supersonic as the surrounding people clutched their ears for dear life; struggling to keep a hold of the feeling in her chest that caused her to explode, the clone detonates like a firework, scorching the wallpaper while Trask is stumbling to the door. There’s blood leaking from his ears but Aoibheal can’t move, can only scream and relive the memory of her brother’s murder over and over again.
Hank discussing it:
"I've never seen a secondary mutation so vastly different!" No longer blue or furry, [Hank’s] smile is excited as he looks over at her. Sharing the cockpit feels almost familiar by now, with Aoibheal curled up in the passenger seat nursing a glass of water. "It makes sense though, your original mutation – the explosions – would be an extension of your temperature immunity, but your secondary mutation is hereditary."
Cassidy’s scream, however, unlike Banshee’s, only effects things with ears, not inanimate objects like glass. Of course she could learn the right pitch to get glass to shatter like an opera singer, but generally speaking, her scream only effects things that can hear. 
OKAY LETS TALK ABT THE STUFF I FABRICATED FOR THE FIC
oh GOD I WANT TO TALK ABOUT HER RELATIONSHIP WITH MAGNETO
not as in romantic, as in he is literally her character’s main inspiration in the films. i’m literally making a fake trailer right now that’s intercut with moments from his DOFP speech that was broadcast to the whole of america.
i love dofp (possibly to my detriment) but i always thought it was weird that no-one was ever like.... magneto has a point. BECAUSE HE HAS A POINT. he’s speaking directly to disenfranchised and SCARED mutants across the nation, and yet everyone’s heralding Mystique as the new face of mutant kind. YES she made a point, but like.... did no-one vibe with magneto when he promised the destruction of mankind? i would. anyways.
so i thought it would be interesting for this character, Cassidy, to have this hero-worship of Magneto, taking his words to heart like scripture, ultimately making her a foil for Phoenix, Xavier’s protege. 
it’s why i specifically included this:
“You should be,” you hissed, putting your all into the words as you spoke them, and you hear Ben inhale sharply beside you, “we shall inherit the Earth.”
“What follows is a struggle as Cassidy and the figure – revealed to be her clone – proceed to kill the man. When they’re finished, and the man’s dead on the ground, Cassidy straightens her outfit, and we hear –“ as the director reads, Michael begins to slowly clap, “a slow clap, and it’s revealed that Apocalypse, as well as Storm, Angel, and Magneto, had all witnessed the event.”
“We are the future, we are the ones who shall inherit the Earth,” Michael reads as he stops clapping.
“Magneto,” you breathe reverentially, and when you look to him, you and Michael share a sharp smile.
which is a direct quote from magneto’s speech in Days of Future Past:
You built these weapons to destroy us. Why? Because you are afraid of our gifts. Because we are different. Humanity has always feared that which is different. Well, I'm here to tell you, to tell the world, you're right to fear us. We are the future. We are the ones who will inherit this earth, and anyone who stands in our way will suffer the same fate as these men you see before you. Today was meant to be a display of your power. Instead I give you a glimpse of the devastation my race can unleash upon yours. Let this be a warning to the world. And to my mutant brothers and sisters out there, I say this; no more hiding, no more suffering. You have lived in the shadows in shame and fear for too long. Come out, join me. Fight together in the brotherhood of our kind. A new tomorrow, that starts today.
which ALSO is what turns her into the next big villain for the franchise, because she sees Magneto, the man she kind of thinks of like a god, turn on and help kill Apocalypse, the man who claimed to be an actual god, and side with the people who, ultimately, don’t want to destroy the human race like she does, and also killed the man she loved. she takes Magneto’s ideologies and turns them up to 11. he fucks off to create a mutant paradise away from prying eyes and is happy, she won’t be happy until all humans are punished.
it’s why, in the beginning, she and raven can’t still work together, because raven wants to rescue mutants, but not at the expense of unnecessary human lives, and cassidy sees all humans as complicit in the torture, and therefore deserving of punishment. 
she has deemed herself judge, jury, and executioner of human kind, and they have all been found guilty.
i’m so excited to see if i get around to writing some of the next film because i really want to explore the dichotomy of Xavier’s ‘no-one is ever really gone/there’s always hope’ and magneto’s ‘you were right to be afraid of us, we are the ones who shall inherit the earth’. Everyone has given up on Cassidy in one way or another, whether it be by betrayal or death, and so when she finds this symbiote who literally becomes a part of her, makes her stronger, and is happy to kill people with little regard for who they are, she’ll take it. 
EDIT: here’s the first 26 seconds of the fake trailer (Y/N here is played by Jurnee Smollett, aka Black Canary from Birds of Prey)
youtube
ANGEL & RIOT
i wanted y/n to kiss ben hardy that’s literally it. 
actually no that’s not it 100%, i think it’s super amusing in a kind of bleak way that he got fridged for her, like his death, both in the “””comics””” (as in the comic universe for the fics) and in the film, causes her to seek out a force that would help bring him back to life. in the “””comics””” she originally seeks out a mutant, but when the mutant who can bring people back refuses to help her, she’s told of experiments at The Life Foundation, who are working on engineering the next step in human evolution, and she’s thinking that they’re experimenting on mutants again, like trask, and goes in guns blazing, but instead finds symbiotes. she bonds with a symbiote, thus becoming Riot Control, and the symbiote initially promises her all these things, including being able to find a way to ressurect angel, but eventually (in the “””comics”””) the power he gives her overtakes her need to ressurect her love, and riot ends up using her to try and build a ship to bring more symbiotes to take over earth.
IN THE FILM
okay OKAY okay OKAY so she’s looking for a way to ressurect angel at first, but riot’s in her ear while he’s seeing all her memories, and is convincing her to get revenge on the people who are responsible for his death (nightcrawler, jean, and Magneto specifically) so its not that the xmen are just in the plot by happenstance there’s like actual beef, love it. 
I also love that Cassidy’s powers are handicapped when she’s got Riot, since her scream would injure or even possibly kill him. Yes i specifically paired her with a symbiote for that reason, which is also the reason why her clone explosions aren’t heat based. 
but anyway, can i spoil the ending? i wanna spoil the ending;
so there’s this big showdown between riot control and the xmen, and jean confronts cassidy, trying to talk her down like ‘what would angel think if he saw you? What you’ve become?’ and Cassidy’s furious, thinking that jean’s trying to guilt her, like, angel would be so ashamed
“Keep his name out of your fucking mouth, you have no idea what he’d think-”
“He’d be terrified of you.” And it’s so fucking like, cruel and cold coming from Jean.
“Shut up.”
“You have become a monster; you have maimed your idol-” [we cut to a shot of magneto looking all fucked up and bloody, watching with anger in his eyes] “and you have left Angel for dead. If you’d really cared about him, you would have already gotten him back. Instead, you come for revenge against the people who could have helped you -”
or something like that, and riot control has a whole breakdown, lashing out, snarling that no-one could help her, and when they tried, they ended up dead (angel, apocalypse) and she starts losing control, and her voice starts to distort in and out of riot’s, making it clear he’s taking control of her completely. 
there’s this big, final fight, which culminates with jean grabbing cassidy’s face and trying to burn riot out of her.
“No-one is beyond help.” And Jean’s like, got tears in her eyes, desperate to save this girl who’s caused so much pain, but who sees herself as so wretched and beyond help, and we see the symbiote burning away and screaming, but also the physical signs of cassidy’s mutation as like, peeling away in embers, like the black scales around her eyes, and the way her whole eyes are seen as black is now clearing away, and she takes both of Jean’s hands and forces her to keep holding on, to keep looking in her natural fucking eyes for the first and last time as she burns out too.
“You can’t save everyone.” and then Cassidy’s just ash in the wind.
also this ending, in a meta-sense, makes sense, because after this Disney buys Fox and there’s no more this-universe X-Men films, so they had to do a self-contained story, there couldn’t be things left super unresolved.
OR maybe she’s fine, maybe she gets saved and riot burns out of her (spoilers, he fucks off and doesn’t die, hence, Venom (2018); it takes him about 20 years to recuperate) i haven’t decided.
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lemongogo · 4 years
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HNNNNG ART ANATOMY STUDIES ARE SO FUCKING HARD. i can't fucking get it. just nothing looks right, i know you can only practise to improve but I'm not improving
All these artists talking about how anatomy just clicks after they've studied for a bit and proportions just come simply after a bit of studying, or how they study other artists and learn from them or just anything, I don't fucking get it, I don't get how to do it and I;m so frustrated and upset, idk how to get better from here. Obviously I need to practise but the practise always ends in my being upset and disappointed cause it genuinely turned out bad, either anatomy wise or just anything (2/2)
aa ! yeah i get you :-( its really frustrating coming from a place where it just doesnt click, like you said. i relate to u on a molecular level in the sense that. it just. doesnt make sense to me. i watch videos and read tutorials and people only ever talk about their visualization. how they See the body in their head, how they can Imagine the joints moving or how the body bends to accommodate certain poses based on what they’ve learned. but my!!! brain doesnt work like that !! i dont “see” anything. anything i try visualize is composed in mostly tangible thought (aka i feel it on my brain and the back of my head, i dont see a picture) and very abstract lines. 
i was just talking abt this with some of my friends and it kinda helped me put into perspective that we (assuming you probably have some different way of “seeing” or thinking of things yourself) cant necessarily draw or learn as a lot of other artists can. i  cant create an image in my mind, cant see anything imaginable in depth or be able to rotate anything to look at it from different angles. for me, it sometimes feels like im always playing a losing game?? and its really demotivating, i completely get that. i guess that just means u have to find a way that benefits how u more or less visualize and start adopting trends that make sense to u? revolutionize the way you study. if understanding the scientific aspects of it and applying it to form doesnt make sense, maybe look into sycra’s iterative drawing video.   or look at different gestures for a set amount of time (say, 1 minute) and then try to draw the pose from memory. compare to what you referenced it from and make notes on what to improve. for me i guess it just helps to draw a LOT of shit and just slowly get better. i dont have any foundational understanding bc i simply dont know how to achieve that but. over time i just kind of start to adopt what looks “right” to me. 
idk i wish i could say more to help u out :( i know its so hard. but youre essentially teaching yourself here when a lot of people who teach anatomy have been taught beforehand, have really good visualization techniques or understanding, and have been practicing soo much. comparison is the thief of joy !! u have to start somewhere and it might feel shitty it might look shitty but its necessary for u to be able to grow as an artist. i have dozens of sketchbooks full of. things that are Wrong or Bad. but i learned from those because i can see what i did wrong and try to work around it in the future. 
u only ever see the art people want to post ! its a curated feed; u never see the months or years of practice leading up to those drawings u know.
u got this !! i believe in u !! im sry i couldnt give u any concrete help as to how to learn anatomy (something i struggle w nearly every day) but i hope u can figure out a method tailored to ur needs that make it more accessible to u
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bondsmagii · 4 years
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sorry if you've been asked this before but u got any thots on like. not hating yourself. I'm trying to be positive like how ppl say to be but the thing is that I feel like I'm a rotten person and I can't believe any positive things abt myself, even coming from other people. I'm trying to just plod forwards and work on myself and not think abt it but I'm so deeply unhappy w everything abt myself and idk how to fight it, bc all the positive self talk shit just feels like self-delusion
man I feel ya tbh. “fake it til you make it” is good advice but there does come a point where it no longer works, or sometimes you start at a point where it just doesn’t seem like it could ever be sincere. I think in such cases it’s important to think smaller. instead of thinking grand things, just reaffirm to yourself that you deserve to be alive, you deserve to take up space, you’re trying your best, you’re not perfect but you’re trying to change that, etc. sometimes all you can do is assure yourself that you deserve to be alive, and you deserve to give yourself a chance, and then work from there.
secondly I would say to work on changing yourself, but it looks like you’re already doing that. so instead I’ll say not to give up, even though it’ll be tempting at times. I mean, when you work so hard and there’s no apparent progress, it can be so disheartening. but remember that these things take time. they can take a lot of time. and you’re viewing your progress from a very critical internal point, so of course you’re only going to see all the places you haven’t improved yet. if possible, try and keep a journal. this helps me exponentially when I’m looking back and trying to see behaviour patterns/areas I struggle/things that trigger downward spirals/places I’ve improved/etc.
finally, try not to see any positivity as deluding yourself. it can seem that way, but try to see it as an affirmation rather than a statement. if you need to, think of things in future tense (”I will be” and “things will”, etc), or as an in progress thing (”I’m on my way to”, etc). seeing things as a tangible goal might help you remember that you are on a journey, and therefore it’s important to remember to go a little easier on yourself because all these changes are still in progress. and even if it still feels like nothing, you’re still further than when you started, which counts for something.
sometimes, though, it’s gonna suck. inevitably. when that happens, I’ll be honest. doing anything seems pointless, so I kind of ask myself “if you had a pet, would you deny them this?”. if I don’t want to eat, or sleep properly, or get in the shower, or rest when I know I need it, or look after myself when I’m sick, or any of those things that’s difficult to do when you hate your entire being, I think about if I had a cat or a dog and how I would treat them. I wouldn’t starve my pet, or deprive them of sleep, or deny them treatment when sick, so I shouldn’t do the same to myself. it does help me push through and do what’s best if I view myself from what’s then a more sympathetic lens. (I’ve seen other people suggest picturing yourself as a child, and looking after them in a similar way to this.)
learning to love yourself is a difficult process, and before it comes several other stages: learning to tolerate yourself, learning to accept yourself, learning to respect yourself, etc. like learning anything, it all takes time, and again like any learning, beating yourself up over your mistakes (real or perceived) is detrimental. you’ll get there, but you have to keep making the conscious decision to give yourself that chance.
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cs-discourse · 5 years
Text
here we go
https://cs-discourse.tumblr.com/post/179953845684/uuuuwuu-every1-whos-concerned-abt-biased-judging
ok this attitude has been pissing me off long enough that it's time for one of my Big Ole Posts (tm) about how shitty this is! thanks. 
uuuuwuu every1 whos concerned abt biased judging in comps is just soooow entitled !!!1 i cant bewieve ppl wouldnt want some1 whos literally explicitly stating at this point that they trust their friends more to "demonstrate dedication to the character" they assign to a design to b an influence in judging comps !!!!!11 bc artists Never weigh in on other artist's comps, so obviously thes ppl just want fwee merc designs !!!1!!1 also my last braincell just died pleas h
so here's the og post in question for quick reference
i honestly have no idea why people keep bringing up this idea of bias in judging competitions because, while i do think there is a type of bias that certainly exists, i think a lot of so-called "bias" that people have is ... not whatsoever like what people think it is lol. artists are people and there's always going to be SOME kind of bias no matter what you do, because it's literally fuckin impossible to NOT be biased. by that i mean:
your taste in plots/types of characters/medias influence your judging
quality of writing or art can influence your judging
the person who's applying for the adopt you may have previous judgement about
even if you say you aren't biased, you STILL have preferences and tastes in things that you prefer more than others, which in of itself is a kind of bias
people who know you (friends for example) will naturally know what your taste is. 
a competition is judged based on what form the artist thinks is best, right? 
NEWSFLASH EVERYONE'S IDEA OF "WHAT'S BEST" IS DIFFERENT FROM PERSON TO PERSON ..... "BEST" is literally the most subjective thing there is, and while i agree that there are certain aspects of art and writing that you can use as objective measurements of tangible skill, it's... still subjective. what people think is "best" will vary from person to person because we all have different tastes. so, essentially, this boils down to the idea that the winner of an adopt competition will ALWAYS be the form the artist liked best, because that is what the artist perceives as best. so like. when people appear biased in adopt competitions towards friends or certain circles, it's probably because they're literally friends because they have similar tastes in things, and therefore the form the artist likes best is naturally going to be from someone who shares similar tastes. 
so whenever i hear about """bias""" in competitions i just kind of roll my eyes tbqh because it's usually followed by complaints of "BUT I PUT IN SO MUCH EFFORT" or "I WROTE SO MUCH MORE THAN THE WINNER" uhhhh. if adopt contests were won by effort alone it wouldn't be a contest, it'd be an endurance test lol. literally just "who has the most time to waste writing out 60000k words of absolute meaningless fluff"... because, i hate to break it to you, but ANYONE can write 5000 words of mindless drivel that has literally no substance to it. 
now in caps for emphasis. takes a deep breath
THERE IS NO SKILL NEEDED TO BLOAT YOUR WORD COUNT. 
YOU DO NOT NEED TO KNOW HOW TO WRITE WELL TO WRITE 5000 WORDS.
YOU JUST NEED TO KNOW HOW TO TYPE AND PUT SENTENCES TOGETHER.
quality > quantity, always. like, i'm sorry you put in so many hours of effort but, those people who win with MUCH smaller wordcounts... did they not work to get as good as they did with writing? you put in 5 hours into one tryout. but others, take me for example: i have been writing for over 10 bloody years. i've worked hard to improve my writing, so you can't tell me i "didn't put in as much effort" as you because i did. i put in YEARS of work to get better so doing simple things would take me LESS time now. inb4 IT'S UNFAIR! dude, the literal definition of a contest is for the best to win. it wouldn't be a contest if it wasn't like that lol. it'd just be charity. what you should be doing instead of complaining about it is ASKING FOR CRIT and WORKING TO IMPROVE like a good sport? i get that it's discouraging but you should be prepared to lose when you join a contest. it's valid to be upset about but the moment you say you deserve it more than others JUST because of your effort, then i have a problem. 
and you know, there's gonna be times where i think a comp winner is objectively less skilled than other tryouts. honestly i just kind of shrug that off on account of different taste lol. sometimes that's just how it be, bc of those predetermined biases i mentioned before, and maybe a judge and i are just in completely stages of life so what i call quality might not appeal to the judge. that's also fine. anyway this really got off on a tangent but i'm leaving it in bc i think it needs saying. back to the og post
 > i cant bewieve ppl wouldnt want some1 whos literally explicitly stating at this point that they trust their friends more to "demonstrate dedication to the character" they assign to a design to b an influence in judging comps !!!!!11
wtf didn't i address this in a different post
here let me link it for you
https://cs-discourse.tumblr.com/post/179841459154/post179838988303-the-difference-is-that-you-have
which was replying to this: https://cs-discourse.tumblr.com/post/179838988303/179837734509-idk-anon-i-kinda-agree-with-the
i said it once but i'll say it again: artist entries aren't main adopts lol. people don't work for artist entries. all you fucking do is post on one like "can i have this pls" .. there is... no effort put into that lol. main adopts you WORK for. it's a CONTEST. claiming an artist entry is NOT a contest. if a bunch of little nasty gremlins come running up to me like a hungry horde trying to be the first one to claim my design, i think giving friends first pick is COMPLETELY FINE, BECAUSE WHAT DID ANYONE ELSE DO TO "DESERVE" THAT DESIGN? nothing. you did. nothing. you're literally coming here with this attitude that NOT GIVING THINGS AWAY TO STRANGERS FOR FREE SOMEHOW EQUALS BIAS? i literally do not understand your logic whatsoever. like. i'm trying really fucking hard. at least with main adopts the "payment" is the effort you put in trying to answer the artist's prompt. i know i sound super dumb repeating myself but i don't know how much simpler i can make this concept tbh
and this is EXACTLY why i say ya'll are fucking entitled because merc and any of the kal artists could be making REAL $$$$ selling their own designs and adoptables and art and NOT deal with all the bs ya'll throw at them. they're literally here because the ENJOY MAKING ((( FREE ))) CONTENT for you, and they're not obligated to do this. they can stop whenever they want. if you had to pay per hour for the length of time collectively worked by ANY species artist staff, the lot of you would be fucking broke. i'm actually constantly shocked that species artists work like, 8 hours or more on some of these gorgeous designs just to give them away for free in a contest. 
so, yeah, as someone who hasn't spent my entire life on CS (i've only been here for a year and a half), ya'll seem pretty fucking entitled to me lol. the world outside CS rarely gives out such gorgeous designs in write-to-adopt contests so i'm honestly baffled at the amount of bloody entitlement i see
>bc artists Never weigh in on other artist's comps, so obviously thes ppl just want fwee merc designs !!!1!!1 
this part i don't actually understand what you mean. do you mean they... help judge other comps? or like, enter them? i don't get what you mean by "weigh in" but listen, lol. just because something DOES happen doesn't mean it gives you a good reason to assume the worst. i mean... of course it happens. it's statistically impossible for skewed contests and bias to NOT happen, because there's always going to be cases of it happening. but like, what proof do you have that merc will be biased lol? like, real proof? because your main point i've basically debunked and don't believe in at all. do better than "i cant bewieve ppl wouldnt want some1 whos literally explicitly stating at this point that they trust their friends more to "demonstrate dedication to the character" they assign to a design to b an influence in judging comps !!!!!11" because this doesn't make any sense to me for the reasons i already listed above lmao. if artist entries were supposed to be contests they'd be contests. what the hell makes you important enough to get first dibs on a stranger's work. ARTIST ENTRIES AREN'T EVEN MADE TO BE GIVEN AWAY, THEY'RE MADE AS ARTIST ENTRIES.... LIKE.... JESUS i struggle to understand ya'll
anyway im done here, if you wanna actually talk and debate this hmu on discord at lysander#9229 bc if you actually talk to me instead of spew this hot mess on the blog i might actually listen to you and change my mind and be nice about it instead of being a condescending bitch. 
wait one more thing
>also my last braincell just died pleas h
yea clearly
p.s., why do you ppl keep going to the blog to give critique on merc's designs when on literally every other design merc makes there's this:
Tumblr media
https://www.chickensmoothie.com/Forum/viewtopic.php?f=38&t=3950980
here i even linked it for you. idk why it's so hard for yall to give constructive crit like decent human beings
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yellow-door-png · 4 years
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just thinking about how I don’t actually know what I want to do and I know people say that’s ok but it would be really nice to know!!
going into art feels like a waste of my academic strengths and going into science feels like a waste of my art abilities
part of the reason i’m going for animation is like way back in middle school i got set on it as the Only Career I Could Be Happy In because it involved cartoons and i literally did not give a shit about anything else because i was kind of a mess
and throughout my life even when i’ve suddenly jumped the hyperfixation train i’ve always been drawing, even when I changed my mind on other subjects or careers i’ve always enjoyed art. i’m so terrified that i might get into college and then suddenly not care about what i’m studying, or realize it’s not a field i want to go into. something art related seems like the most dependable thing. but even that I keep doubting now!!
and my opinions on college keep swinging from “so much independence! you get to grow as a person and learn a lot abt really interesting things!” to “what if the curriculum isn’t challenging at all and it’s all fake it doesn’t seem plausible that i could ever create or do the stuff they’re showing here. what if they teach nothing that’s useful for a job and then i don’t know what to do with my life” like wtf
for a while last year I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do chemistry research or animation, and I got to do an internship at a research lab. But the project felt so far removed from the real world and whether it ever amounted to anything meaningful was such a long shot that i went “damn is this what research is really like :/” i want to do something important!! that affects people!! don’t get me wrong i love science and learning about how everything works it’s always been my fav subject but after a whole day of sitting by some instruments pipetting stuff and waiting for results to come back i was like Im Going to Die if i do not doodle or look at something visually stimulating
I mean they definitely both have the capability of being :// jobs because on the one hand you could be doing research that never amounts to anything and is really just repetitive stuff and on the other hand you could be doing the grunt work of inbetweening frames and revising other people’s storyboards
but at least with a meh animation job i’d still be working on a Project that has a story to be passionate about and a tangible end where there’d be something people enjoy and i could be like “i helped make that!!”
also i feel so bad for literally getting to work at a chemistry research lab and just being like “nah it wasnt interesting enough for me :)” because its so cool that i got to do that!! but also i don’t know what it would be like working in other areas of science and if it would be more engaging for me or if it would all be like that. idk whats in my head or why but i just constantly am overwhelmed with this feeling that nothing i do in life will be fulfilling or important and that careers and work will inevitably be terrible! i want to do something that benefits people and technically making art does that because it makes people happy but! i still get that feeling of This Is Worthless! which is silly because there’s so many people and the world is so large and in general i think that as long as you find something you’re passionate about and are kind and vote then you’re good. adulthood just feels so overwhelming and i don’t know how to process it in a way that makes sense and doesn’t seem bad.
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princesiddie · 6 years
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i think in taas it depends on how you portray the dreams and how sidon reacts to link. there needs to be a pretty clear feeling of "this is bad and unhealthy and link is attaching to sidon largely because of his mental health and the stress" and sidons actions need to reflect that. theres nothing wrong with addressing harmful age gaps in fic or having a character have a crush on an older one if its done in a tasteful and respectful way imo which is sounds like youre trying to do. (1/2)
it also helps that link is an adult once the dreams happen and in his later teens. obvs it doesnt diminish how harmful that relationship would be if it actually happened but its a lot better than if link were 15 or 16. (also fwiw when i was in inpatient i ended up on a crush on a counselor and some of the other patients all who were much older because i was very desperate for affection at the time so the stuff with link is. pretty relatable.) (2/2)
yeah yeah thats what im goin for im Attempting to go about this as respectfully and carefully as i can (but im Dumb n also a baby so i worry about slipping up somewhere) coz like u ive felt similarly due to my mental health and whatnot. regarding the dreams yeah i intend to make it pretty clear tht links Extremely desperate for attention and affection and whatnot n that the sidon in his dreams isnt the sidon he knows irl so tht its clear its like.. idealized ?? like so its easy to see none of what links imagining is at all close to what would happen in reality n that its all just a product of his mental state n whatever the stuff hes been through has done to him. n idk maybe this is sort of a spoiler (but ive talked about it before so 🤷‍♂️) the only thing that Actually happens between them with Real Tangible link and Real Tangible sidon is link tries to kiss sidon in a moment of fragility and weakness(?? idk if thts the right word) after receiving some really really really shitty news, which i hope will Also show tht links feelings for him are based on him needing stability and support and someone to cling to as his life is falling apart in a couple different ways, and sidon deflects the kiss because 1) well he doesnt even like him back he didnt even really Know he liked him and 2) he knows even before he connects All the dots abt why links always trying to be close to him and talk to him and look at him that this isnt healthy n that link isnt like .. thinking straight? he knows as soon as link leans forward to kiss him that something is Very Wrong between them and it becomes clearer to him as hes finally figuring it all out (but he also Knows links still in a really bad place so he tries to explain to him why this Cant happen?) so he doesnt to any capacity think its good or do any sort of “we Cant but i would if i could ;)” type stuff which i assume and hope is the Right way for sidon to react. but i mean if im Doing something wrong/bad jus fuckin tell me
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danisnotofire · 7 years
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hey im going to orientation in a few days and im rly nervous abt starting college, i was just wondering if you had any tips or any ~advice~ bc im like, lowkey freaking out ((also i also stage manage and i love musicals and astronomy (sry i was snooping around your about page)))
hey!!! ok i am so so so sorry this took so long lol i actually just went back to school myself to help out with a pre-orientation program and we’ve been having like 17 hour days so i’m Exhausted and haven’t had a lot of time to really give a thoughtful answer (UNTIL NOW). some of this is gonna sound cheesy, but this is Emma Danisnotofire’s Official Real List of Pro-Tips for College, so if it’s on here it’s true. that being said, i go to a medium/small school (4,000 students) in the middle of fucking nowhere, so some of my experiences are gonna be a lil different. most still apply. 
first off, it’s TOTALLY OKAY that you’re nervous. i know when i went i was highkey freaking out even more bc everybody else seemed to be just excited and i felt like i was the only one actually losing my mind from how scared i was. i didn’t sleep at all the night before i moved in. being scared is fine. you’ll probably be scared for awhile after you get there, too, and that’s absolutely okay. i remember it took me a solid few weeks for me to stop feeling nauseous from nerves whenever i woke up. i promise i promise this will go away. you will settle in and you’ll make friends and you’ll figure out where everything is and how things work, i PROMISE. 
second, once you get there, don’t be afraid to talk to people!! i know that sounds super cheesy and unhelpful, but seriously. talk to your orientation leaders!! they’re usually upperclassmen and 99% of the time they had to APPLY to get that position, and it’s because they’re so so excited to meet you!! i’m a mentor for this pre-o program (it’s arts-focused), and we all had to apply, and every single other mentor is super passionate not only about the arts but about making sure the incoming freshman feel comfortable and happy and at home right off the bat. we want to like you!! talk to us!!! talk to each other!! at my school, (bucknell), orientation is actually pretty fucking legendary (it’s 5 straight days of just. nonstop activities), so getting to know your group is always nice. good conversation starters include: compliment something they’re wearing/have done, mention pets, ask about what classes they’re taking. that’s usually where i start when i’m talking to my kids!! 
okay, now for some Actual Tangible Advice. most of this is actually taken from when i gave my friend natalie some advice about college, but it’s still applicable to you!! i’m putting it under a readmore bc It’s So Very Long, I’m Sorry, I Really Hope This Helps/Makes Up For Me Not Answering For So Long
-if you can, get a microwave. if you can’t, it’s nbd because there’s probably one in your dorm somewhere. but it’s really nice not to have to put on shoes/socks to go make ramen at 3am
-INVEST IN GOOD SOCKS!!!! srsly omg you’re never gonna wanna go anywhere barefoot, and dorm heating/cooling can be tricky. i treated myself to a 5-pair box where they’re all different classic art pieces. they’re GORGEOUS and super nice for when i can’t find my flip-flops.
-also, if you have birks. bring them. they are also good for sliding on when u really have to pee in the middle of the night and can’t for the life of u find anything else. also everyone i know wears birks casually (i have a 20 dollar pair of fake ones from american eagle lol)
-OLD NAVY HAS FLIP FLOPS 2 FOR 5 DOLLARS. they make the BEST shower shoes and also they come in so many lit colors they’re the bomb digs. these are also good if you don’t have a pair of birks
-if your dorm doesn’t have it already (most dorms don’t) BUY A SCREEN FOR YOUR WINDOW!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY if u hate bugs you do NOT want them coming in when all u want is some fresh air. my roommate last year brought one to school bc i didn’t even think about it and it was a LIFESAVER.
-if you can, get one of those febreeze scent things you plug in. if you aren’t allowed, there’s this thing called a scentsy that basically melts wax and it makes your room smell SO. GOOD. idk how much they cost but honestly you will be thankful you have it if you can get it (candles work too but most dorms don’t allow candles)  
-you don’t need a huge plastic shower caddy!! you can get a softer one and then hang it on a hook outside the shower or loop it around the shower knob. they’re probs better than a big hard one bc they won’t fill up with water and you can stash it easier. (i went with a big plastic one and it’s a hassle lol). however, if you already got a big plastic one, that’s cool too bc sometimes they come with a removable second smaller caddy, and that’s good for putting your phone in outside of the shower to play music.
-lofting your bed is super nice bc it gives you a little more privacy from your roommate (and privacy is so so so rare in college, esp in a dorm). it’s also nice bc if you’re up there and a friend walks into your room (which is bound to happen with dorm living, which is where i’m assuming ur living as a first-year) they won’t immediately see you, which gives you a few seconds to get ur shit together before they see you.
-HOWEVER!! there are a few downsides to lofting ur bed. the major one is that it’s a pain in the ass to not only get up there, but also to lug your laptop/charger/snacks/etc up there, and once you’re up u probably aren’t gonna wanna come down. also, i don’t know if you drink, (which btw totally cool if you don’t!!), but there was definitely one time where i was too drunk to climb into my bed (i know, i know, several bad choices were made that night and i regret all of them), but thankfully my roommate last year was a fucking goddess though (a definite Mom Friend) and pulled all my sleeping stuff down to the floor lol. it’s rare that something like that happens, but it’s definitely something u wanna take into consideration.
-college is infinitely emotionally taxing. face masks and shower bath-bombs (you put them on the floor of your shower and they slowly dissolve and release whatever scent they are) do LOADS to make u feel better. face masks are also good bonding with friends!! 
-some other self-care college tips: cafes will usually have either hot apple cider in the fall, or you can get steamed milk with vanilla in it and it’s very soothing and gentle and calming. i got it a lot when i was sick just bc it was warm and not difficult to stomach. 
-also baking. if you get a few friends and bake something, it is 1) bound to be hilarious and 2) everyone who walks by will love you. we once made cinnamon buns, except instead of individual ones we made one big disgusting MegaBon, and we still talk about it to this day. it’s the name of our group chat lmaooo
-you can literally never have too much storage. plastic bins, crates, etc. never too much.
-you will leave college with so much more stuff than what you came with. holy shit. you will also get so many t-shirts??? see above. you’ll need storage.
-college is also the definition of ‘Everything is Happening All The Time’, and ur probably gonna make friends who try and do Everything. it took me super long to internalize the fact that it’s okay to like, say no to doing something and take a nap instead. not all the time, sometimes its good to force urself out of your room, but you can stay in on a saturday every once in a while! it doesn’t matter. 
-that being said, do try and go out of your comfort zone a little!! i was definitely not the type to do this in high school, but these days i’ll sometimes go to frat parties!! they’re actually really fun when you go with friends (and always go with friends!!!). it doesn’t even necessarily need to be parties either. audition for a capella. stage manage a show. do a club sport. there’s so much you can do!! (i actually didn’t follow my own advice here last year, i was too terrified to do a lot of things. i did theatre though, which ended up taking up most of my time anyway, but i still wish i had done more, hence why i’m doing this program right now! don’t be like first-year me. be better!)
-HOWEVER here are some (frat) party tips: girls can usually get into parties much easier than guys can, but either way don’t try to go out until around october/late september. the first few weeks back are for upperclassmen catching up with friends . go with a group, and STAY with your group. please. no girl left behind. they usually only serve shitty beer, and ofc you should keep your eyes on it the whole time. if you put it down, just go get another one instead of picking that one up again. also, invest in a shitty coat/gross pair of shoes specifically to wear to the frats. the floors are gross, and you’re probs gonna end up storing your jacket behind a trash can in the winter bc it’s too fucking hot inside the room to keep it on. (is this coat thing just a bucknell thing?? this might just be a bucknell thing). 
-more drinking/etc/stuff: know your rights. RAs are not allowed to look through drawers/open closets when doing room searches, so if you have wine or anything, make sure it’s hidden in somewhere they’re not allowed to touch.
-THIS IS SUPER IMPORTANT: if someone has drank too much, BACKPACK THEM. get them into bed while wearing a filled up backpack. it prevents people from rolling over and choking on their vomit. i cannot emphasize how important it is for you to backpack someone. if you can, stay with them to make sure they’re okay. also, don’t be afraid to let them throw up before they go to bed. it helps. they’ll usually feel better. 
-if you can, get a job that lets you sit down. receptionist, librarian, etc. these are the best, bc sometimes you’ll get the  chance to study or get paid for doing nothing. also? receptionist looks SUPER good on a resume. also? money is nice.
-LOCK YOUR DOOR!!!!! I LEARNED THIS THE HARD WAY WHEN SOME WEIRD SENIOR BOY WALKED INTO MY ROOM DRUNK AT 3AM AND WOULDN’T LEAVE. also, you’ll make friends in the first week that you won’t necessarily want to be friends with later on, but they won’t get that message lol. again, lock your door (learned that the hard way, too)
-for future semesters, if you can’t get into a class right away it REALLY helps to email the professor!!! seriously, 9 times out of 10 they are more than happy to let an extra person in, because there are always students who drop the class within the first week or two. that’s how i got into astronomy my first semester, and i’m now a teacher’s assistant for it. so. really, it helps.
-the best way to be better friends with people is to just, get meals with them. honestly. make a group chat with some people and whenever ur getting dinner or lunch or whatever just throw out a ‘hey anyone wanna get food with me??’ text. 90% of the time someone will come with you.
-speaking of meals tho, ik this is the number 1 thing people tend to say, but it’s tRUE. nobody cares if you eat alone. it too me SO LONG to internalize this, but it’s totally fine to do!! it’s actually really nice sometimes, you can bring homework or your laptop and get some work done. it’s not even with meals, either! you can study alone! you can walk places alone! you can go to the gym alone! i was always terrified of being seen alone bc i thought people were gonna think i didn’t have friends or w/e dumb thing my anxiety had me feeling, (i still struggle with that lmao) but in reality you just look independent and cool!!! also, it helps to be content in the fact that you have friends and it doesn’t matter if people THINK you don’t.
-get a reusable water bottle. i got a plastic one for like 12 bucks, and i use it DAILY. if ur walking a lot, it helps keep you hydrated. also, it gives you something to do in class. also, you can personalize it with stickers and stuff (you can do the same with a laptop case). i p much take mine with me EVERYWHERE.
-this was also hard for me to internalize, but u gotta remember the fact that it’s okay not to be who u were in high school. like, i gave up some of the things i was into in high school in favor of some other things, and it took me awhile to figure out that i wasn’t like, betraying anyone, if that makes sense?? like, i started going to frat parties and actually having FUN at them??? (something i NEVER would have been into in high school, but here we are).
-also, grades are very different in college. i freaked out when i wasn’t getting a 4.0, because that’s who i was in high school, but then i kinda put it in perspective. i ended with a 3.67, which is still dean’s list. you’re not going to be perfect, bc chances are you ended up at a school with people on kinda equal intelligence levels as you. don’t freak out. 
okay that’s pretty much it!!! i can def come up with more stuff tailored to certain things/etc if you want me to talk more about this stuff!!! i love giving college advice and talking and helping people feel better about this whole thing bc i know it’s hard and scary
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uniformbravo · 7 years
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fffffFuck
im rly inspired to work on webcomic stuff i wanna make a webcomic!! im ready!!! i want to dive into a story and experiment and learn how to best do things as i go i wanna see that Improvement as i get a feel for what the story should be i wanna be a part of the process so bad im ready aaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!
my Big Project, the one i talked about a lot, right; i kind of put it aside for a while but lately i’ve just kind of been in the Mood??? i honestly lost interest for a while kinda, not in the sense that i dropped it entirely, but i was hitting a lot of road blocks and pretty much ended up inadvertently taking a break from it, and in the mean time i watched a lot of shit and i think it was good for me?
because i feel like if i spend too long going hard on one thing i burn out really easily and everything starts to become more forced than passion-driven, and passion is what i want for this shit bc if im not enjoying it then why the hell am i even doing this right
so when i take a break and allow myself to dive into some show/comic/etc that can make me Feel The Good Shit, it inspires me!! it makes me want to create something that i can be equally as passionate about (and hopefully inspire other people too!) and like, it used to be such a frustrating feeling because i was filled with so much Energy and Passion that i had absolutely no idea what to do with, it would just kind of crackle and burn inside like i was going to explode any minute and i had nowhere to direct it and it was super unsatisfying but now!!! 
now i have something to pour all that creative energy into! now whenever i get super inspired by something i start thinking about this project and how i can take the creative influence from the show/comic/whatever and pour it into my own story and it finally feels like i have purpose, in a sense? like, i might not be getting any actual, tangible Ideas to apply to my plot or whatever, but i can take those Feelings and Emotions and think of them within the context of my world, and that can then turn into tangible ideas and idk it’s just really good!!! it’s Good to finally have something to pour this overwhelming inspiration into, and i guess i can only hope that what eventually comes out of all of this can do all of these thoughts and feelings proper justice
right now i feel like i have a lot of vague ideas of what i want the story to be like in general? i don’t mean plot-wise or even in terms of worldbuilding, i just mean like. the technical kind of storytelling elements, if that makes sense? it’s like, i’m writing down all these notes on what i observe to be Good Storytelling and Characterization in the things i like so that maybe i can successfully apply them to my own story down the line, and i guess that’s where some of my current worries stem from? 
bc i want to make this big, great Thing that employs all these devices im compiling but the question is whether i’ll be able to actually Do it or if it’ll come out as this big messy Attempt, u know? and it doesn’t help that this is my first Big Project like this, like i’ve never made a comic before, first of all, like that’s the. the Big One (although i am planning to do smaller comic projects first to experiment and figure things out so that maybe i can become familiar with the process before tackling something so huge that i want to be so good)
basically my plan is to.... plan. like, super plan. Plan Everything. that’s my strategy at this point, like. the taking notes on things i like, the practice comics beforehand, all of it is planning in order to help make this project the best that it can be, and i guess my main worry is that despite all the work im putting into this, it still won’t hit the mark
like, im a big perfectionist when it comes to things i care about, and i really care about this project. i really want to make this a good thing. something i’ll probably/definitely have to accept is that it’s not gonna be perfect; parts of it will be messy, parts of it won’t flow like i imagined, parts of it will be really awkward and that’s fine
idk man i mean it’s kind of bizarre to be considering all of this stuff right now when the whole project is still in such an early, vague, misshapen stage like for real i barely know anything abt these characters except that they will probably exist, maybe, and i have a hundred million shifting ideas that all conflict with each other and just literally overall this story is absolutely nothing yet, i still have so much fucking work to do it’s overwhelming
but man
seeing how far other projects have come since their beginnings is really inspiring 
like
it’s ok
it doesn’t all have to be done right now, these things take time (especially if ur a team of one (1), practically speaking) 
i like to think that years down the line, as i continue to work on this project, i’ll look back at myself now and think, “dang, i really had no idea what i was doing and i felt intimidated and overwhelmed and vastly under-equipped, but i’m glad that i kept going despite all of that to get to where i am today, where i definitely have everything figured out probably i mean hopefully like @ future me i’m really trusting you w/ this please”
i mean, idk. i want to make my future self proud? i want to give myself something to be proud of. 
that’s a good goal, i think
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