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sai-lec · 7 days

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The Internet Tifosi

an informal reflection of online fan spaces by me, a recent member of the tifosi.

I love being part of the tifosi. I love the colour red. I love seeing the passion of the tifosi at races. I love Charles. I love Carlos. I love watching races and highlights from old team lineups I love the greats like Schumacher and Lauda and Prost I love Ferrari.

My path in f1 didnt start with Ferrari, it started with McLaren- my dad is a huge McLaren fan, he introduced me to Lando (and Carlos but primarily Lando) in lockdown and sure it didnt click with me right away; I watched some races with him, he showed me the highlights from the races I didnt watch with him (including several videos of Grosjean's infamous crash) and despite the fact that I wasn't heavily invested it gave us something to bond over. That September when I left home for university it gave us a reason to call each other. When I developed a genuine interest (after I decided I wasn't coming back home after I graduate university) my dad wasn't bothered by the fact that I had shown up at Christmas with a Ferrari hat on, in fact he took it off my head and tried it on himself; "do I look good as a Sainz fan?". From my dad introducing me to Lando, Carlos was the natural next step in immersing myself into the fan community. From Carlos, we found Charles and the Tifosi. I don't have many (or any) friends in real life with the same level of interest in Formula 1 that I have developed, naturally I found myself creating this blog hoping to find a community within online spaces that wasn't available to me in the digital world.

My experience within the tifosi has been... unique, to say the least. I have been engaged in online fan spaces since I was around 14- I made my Tumblr account in 2016 to talk about supernatural, before moving on to buzzed unsolved, and marvel and so on as my interests developed and changed. Within each of these communities I have found a group of people that I felt comfortable around enough to call them genuine friends. some of whom I still keep in contact with despite the fact that our interests have changed. that hasn't quite happened to the same extent with the internet's Tifosi; and there is a multitude of reasons why.

The 'Versus' Predicament

To be rather blunt for a moment- I have never been part of a community that has been filled with so much vitriol for other members, and I was part of the Marvel fandom when Civil War was released (team cap). In fact, it seem that the tifosi are constantly engaged in a Civil War of their own- devoted fans of Charles as the self-labelled Lecfosi and Team55 practically always appear to be at odds with each other. And publicly so.

It is natural for people to have a favourite driver- we've just discussed how ive come to find myself as a devotee to Team55. But as with other areas, fan spaces have seen negative impact in communication due to internet dependancy in recent years.

From my perspective, the issue appears to be a mixture of cancel culture and virtue signalling. Now cancel culture is in itself a manifestation of virtue signalling in which creators or whomever else face mass criticism and attempted deplatforming as the internet becomes aware of potentially problematic past or present behaviour; however given its internet context and usage I've elected to view it as a separate entity.

Internet fan spaces have regressed to a state of defensiveness- in order to promote and validate your approval of one subject you must justify why in comparison to another. This is where the effects of cancel culture come into play. Cancel culture reached its peak performativity during quarantine as the internet and social media became the primary method of protesting and spreading awareness of activism whilst maintaining social distancing and quarantining requirements. As morality became monitored and policed by a younger and younger average user base, it is natural that there was a bastardisation of the phenomenon resultant in the mass cancelling and calling out of any person who spoke or acted in a manner that wasn't deemed correct; not necessarily related to politics or activism at this point, I myself received an influx of mass hatred and cancellations to the point where I was borderline shunned by an entire gaming community for making a joke about everyone hating one of the event mini games ('whats everyones favourite game and why is it not buildmart').

This same mindset is so visibly present within the Tifosi today- both extremes find themselves comparing one driver to the other in order to justify their favour. For example, tensions have been high with Lecfosi and Team55 almost in a panicked state looking to justify why they chose to support their favourite driver with 'Carlos is gifted every achievement Charles would have beaten him if he wasn't held back ' and 'Ferrari fired the wrong driver' filling the comments of Ferrari's Instagram and Twitter posts. This has prompted fans to flock to defend their preferred driver, often in ways which contribute to the animosity. Drivers face this pseudo-cancellation as a result with twitter bios seeing additions of 'Carlos fans din' 'if you like CL16 unfollow me' after every race. Criticisms of the drivers themselves increase, they are placed under heavier scrutiny as the violence between fans increases leading to a never-ending circle of driver-to-fan hatred. it is seen as almost a moral failure within fan spaces to support the wrong driver.

I, personally, have witnessed arguments between fans in comment sections on tiktok- the most memorable being a 'share your favourite driver and why' tiktok in which a Carlos fan received comments of 'Well you know Charles is actually better because x y z'. (I'd like to point out this is not an antagonisation of Charles fans, but this is what actually happened nor am I excusing Team55 from the ability to make similar comment). The notable point here is that Charles was never mentioned, yet the mere fact of someone else preferring the wrong driver in this commenter's eyes lead to them purposefully targeting another Ferrai fan to chastise them on their decision effectively boiling the interaction down to 'you're not allowed to support this driver because I don't like him'.

This is where virtue signalling comes into play. For those unaware, virtue signalling is the public expression of opinion with the intent of alignment with a moral correctness. The internet especially in fanbases weaponises that frequently through the examples of 'dni of you support x' as discussed prior. The followup to that mindset is the feeling of requirement to discuss. For example, when a driver races poorly or is subjected to penalty, fan spaces will see an influx of posts demanding fans to defend their driver (How can you support him when he drives like that), mass criticising the driver (he doesn't deserve his seat why isn't he fired), or public statement of disapproval because of the social requirement to misalign yourself with the incorrect actions of another person without genuine belief behind the statement as oftentimes excuses will be made for their preferred person in a similar situation. At times it appears that the primary interaction of some people within the Tifosi is to engage in critical commentary on their disliked drivers.

Criticism? Or extreme negativity?

With call out and cancel culture leaving the political sphere it has severely impacted the positivity of fanbases as criticism becomes a primary, almost necessary, aspect of fan culture. Of course we talk about critical consumption in which you are able to analyse and evaluate the content which we consume and become aware of its biases and flaws, however this has snowballed to become criticise everything you consume. Thus, the animosity of the fan spaces rises once more.

Of course every driver is bound to face warranted criticism- the majority of the grid are socially unaware rich white men, they are destined to say or do something worth criticising. They are bound to say bitchy things and act in ways that you don't agree with because that is just the nature of humanity, everyone does these things. But that does not mean every single one of their actions are worth dissecting under the microscope. And the prevalent attitude of analysing drivers mannerisms, behaviours emotions and heat-of-the-moment radios and comments doesn't display the analytical eye a lot of people think it does.

A lot of attitudes in the 2024 spaces that I have personally seen have centred a Carlos negativity- there have been dire criticisms of the journalistic bias towards him across the first 3 races of the year. Of course, if you don't like him then you're bound to be tired of hearing about him. But what I found interesting was the theories being circulated that he was paying his way into the media or that there was a behind-the-scenes scheme to keep media interest on him. Now, a lot of people perceived this to be a theory based on the culture surrounding Sainz's family wealth and his father's influence when in reality it was likely to be because of the increased interest around his circumstances going into the season- no seat for 2025, rumoured negotiations with several teams, surgery and first non Red Bull win of the season. to analyse this situation critically is not to say 'well there must be a secret reason and I will investigate' but to recognise that journalism is reliant on attention grabbing headlines- a man with no job and no appendix winning a race while still in the post-surgery recovery period is exactly the kind of narrative that will garner clicks. It would have been the same had it have been any other driver in that specific set of circumstances. There is a difference between critical thinking and assumptive analyses and oftentimes they can become conflated in the desire to prove a point.

This is the issue- a lot of people engage analytically with media in order to suggest a particular narrative. Every person is subject to bias, and when that bias is unchecked it can lead to a lot of analysis that are reliant on theory, speculation and assumption in order to maintain the subconscious perspective of the writer. This is why we see a lot of people use demeaning nicknames towards Charles on twitter an simultaneously view Carlos as undeserving in instagram comments- the integral points of their perspective on the driver rest on the moments which will develop their narrative view of the driver as the lesser. Critical engagement cannot rest solely on one the positive or the negative, otherwise you failing to engage critically by cherry picking a perspective in order to maintain a narrative. That is tabloid journalism, or gossip, at best.

I Am In Misery

It is also just not healthy for you as a fan to consistently engage in negative commentary and discourse. I mean that seriously this is a PSA if your fan engagement sees your negative criticism and commentary of your disliked driver outweigh the time you spend enjoying your interest then you need to take a step back and reassess how you want to participate because that is not sustainable for your mental wellbeing.

This is not to say that you must never hate, you must never criticise or say anything bad about someone we all do it- it's natural. But you have to ask yourself if you truly enjoy using another driver to uplift your favourite. Aren't his accomplishments enough to validate him alone?

Ive noticed a complete lack of will to celebrate- in my inbox right now are maybe around 15 asks all talking about how I shouldn't be happy with this weekends performance or else I dont understand F1. I argue the inverse,

I understand F1. I understand that this weekend was not the best performance Ferrari had to offer. I understand the impact of the team racing each other and Carlos' aggression during the sprint. And I have mentioned as much. However, I choose to focus on the positive aspects of the weekend. The tyre management from both drivers was impeccable to gain 2 positions each and maintain them finishing on tyres that were 40 laps old. They made an excellent recovery from the mishaps in qualifying that ultimately earned the team and themselves more points. We maintain 2nd in the constructors championship and 3rd and 4th in the drivers. There are issues that need to be discussed and resolved but ultimately this is not the worlds worst performance.

F1 is entertainment. I want to win, I want to succeed but I also want to be entertained. My mental health has seen a series uptick since I decided to directly seek entertainment. Sure, the drivers shouldn't have been racing the way they were, it had the potential to put both cars in a detrimental position, but it sure does make things more interesting!!! There's almost a sense of parasocialism within the community- a lot of people are hesitant to look for relief beyond the emotions of their favourite driver, and subsequently view every race as a failure in some aspect (just outside of the podium, on the podium but not p1, could've done better if it wasn't for xyz) and that negatively affects their experience as a fan and for other fans who don't share that perspective. It's almost like people have forgotten to enjoy the race, they're so preoccupied with looking for something to criticise.

Now this isn't to say you're not allowed to enjoy critical assessments of the success of races. But thats not what the majority of us are posting (it might be what some of you think you're posting, but you're not). I love watching video essays on races that are done properly with acknowledgement and awareness of bias. I don't love reading posts along the lines of 'why this race actually sucked' (not a real example) because it's not built from an analytical or critical perspective, just a discussion of the race and outcome through a lens of destructive pessimism.

End

This behaviour isn't specific to the Tifosi, it's an internet wide phenomenon. But I've chosen to directly comment on it here because as I said, I've never sen a community with so much hatred for itself. As of 2024, we are all on the same team right now. We have the right to hold our own opinions of the drivers and express those. We do not have the right to argue on the validity of other fans preferences, we do not have the right to directly enter fan spaces (ie the main tags) and spread destructive negativity about a driver nor do we have the right to harass blogs for whom they chose to support.

The inherent negativity is so calamitous to the community. It perpetuates the infighting, it furthers the negative narratives we have constructed of drivers, it only contributes to divide the community as both sides earn reputations of being toxic towards each other. And to an extent, yes . It is true, and that is disappointing. You have the right to choose your favourite driver. However, Charles and Carlos are both talented drivers- there is no need to drag one down to uplift the other. It is instigating behaviour and I'm sure a lot of people comment in that manner purposefully.

Be aware of your parasocial connection to a driver. if you find yourself criticising a driver for an action that you would not criticise your favourite for executing ask yourself why you view the action as negative circumstantially. If you are only able to assess races based on what could have happened, what better could have happened then ask yourself if you find this enriching; do you leave race weekends feeling good and excited for the next race or soured because things might have been better under different circumstances. Don't ignore the problems, acknowledge them and say but what are the positives as opposed to letting the failures undermine the successes.

just have a bit of fucking fun once in a while PLEASE .

as an endnote: I do recognise that the majority of insights and examples I have given in this reflection have been at the expense of team 55, again I would like to reiterate that as someone who primarily finds themself in 55 spaces I a naturally experience a greater exposure to negativity towards that driver as it usually tends to be maintagged or sent directly to myself or other 55 centric blogs. Just as the CL16 community is more likely to be exposed to and remember hatred towards Charles. In no way am I insinuating that 55 fans are incapable of or have not acted in the the same nature, to Charles' detriment. The toxicity remains prevalent on both extremes of the community.

this is a mass response to the people in my inbox thank you for your patience I didnt want to answer like 15 different asks about everything in slightly different ways

#not proofread bc didn’t want to #formula 1 #carlos sainz #charles leclerc #f1 #ferrari

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dnangelic · 5 months

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COMMON MISCONCEPTION(S). uhhh hmmm lots and lots and lots about dark. he's not actually chaotic evil despite his edgy appearance and anime villain colorscheme; he's chaotic good. he's just as equally silly and approachable as he is sensual, serious, and a diehard romantic. he's subtle and manipulative but he's not trying to manipulate daisuke anymore in any selfish way. dark likes to flirt and is the 'cool' and 'hot' one but he's also so Doomed, you guys, and canonically, actually actively avoids 'true' love bc he knows how doomed he is, leaving him with what i call a 'good host(club host) mentality.'(aka, he wants people to feel good around him with his charisma but he'll pretty much never actually commit.) power of love despite it all is very real to dark even if he personally can't feel anything without daisuke. speaking of daisuke, the simplest misconception is that he's weak or a wimpy coward. he's not and almost always pushes bravely through fear (real courage shines in the dark of terror my friends) and always gives it his all for anything he puts his mind to. also, he's awkward, but once he comfortably warms up to someone, he can be incredibly romantic and loving. dai being clumsy is true in its own way (he's a little scatterbrained most of the time) but that's at odds with the fact he is still quite literally a trained phantom thief, which is easy to forget sometimes. dai's also not a perfect woobie, dark's literally meant to represent his flaws and the sins of his family: daisuke and dark is, in the end, a fallen angel, someone who's supposed to be 'guilty' of sin and likewise a sinner. i can't think of anything else huge off the top of my head but i'm sure there's more.

AN IMPORTANT HEADCANON. dark is daisuke's dream and daisuke is dark's heart. it's plastered all over my blog and only visually represented within canon, so i regard it as somewhat more of a headcanon than canon might have it. dark embodies daisuke's aspirations, he encourages and inspires daisuke to have something to reach out for and step forwards towards, the sort of 'self' he wants to become, if not absorb traits of self-confidence and 'style' from. dark, as a nonhuman entity, requires daisuke as his human host and heart both to literally live, exist, and to feel anything; he also has a line that canonically states [he] as an artwork, "cannot exist outside of a human's dream." dark and dai should not necessarily ever be physically separated or pit against each other in a contest of favoritism. if you want to fully love dark, you also have to acknowledge daisuke. if you want to fully love daisuke, then you have to acknowledge dark. the way i portray them in their canon verse, they're always at the point where they're basically in positive harmony with each other. i don't really even consider myself a multi just because dark and daisuke are supposed to be that intertwined and reflective of each other; when you cut down to their absolute character cores, how they feel about themselves and their own thematic functions, they truly are the same despite their superficial personality differences.

A USELESS HEADCANON. daisuke considers a lot of his skills as a phantom thief useless, but his absurd dexterity can come in handy in some other ways. aside from all the fun little magic tricks he knows how to perform, if you show him how things work and then turn around so he doesn't feel pressured and get embarrassed, he can basically perfect full combo any rhythm game for you or hit the jackpot every single time at an arcade in games of skill. dark also has a plethora of talents that he either doesn't care to use, or rarely gets the opportunity to use- for example, in canon he's shown to know how to ballroom dance (very capably, at that,) and so i've let him inherit from his inspiration as the phantom of the opera: he's also capable of playing just about any instrument, has memorized an impressive repertoire of pieces, and has an exquisite singing voice that he sometimes lulls daisuke to sleep with, especially since daisuke is the only one who can actually hear his voice most of the time.

POTENTIAL TRIGGERS. uhhhhh thematics of loss, death, and grief? crime? theft? the suffocating feeling of being trapped in an inherited cycle or religious trauma in the form of unwilling martyrs and manmade devils? the occasional delve into light-ish psychological horror? lots of stuff happens to dark and daisuke that could be considered triggering, for example getting shot and outright physically injured by magic and literal swords, but dnangel isn't rlly out to hurt anybody rather than teach people how to move on and cope with various forms of loss, loneliness, and separation.

SOMETHING YOU ENJOY ABOUT (WRITING) THEM. god the contradictions. always. daisuke has one foot in the criminal sphere that's very popular in the tumblr rpc but his magical-girl alignment simultaneously makes him a complete and total fish out of the water. the monster has a heart, the boy is a monster, it's very meta for a chara who's trying to keep a secret and quite literally bears a curse that inevitably isolates him away from any true intimacy. that chaotic good rather than outright chaotic evil throws soooo many people off, it's so funny. dai's somehow a bastard rogue and the most kind-hearted middle schooler ever, and this is something that once the muns have grappled over, their muses have to grapple with too. i think the moral dilemma that dai n dark both present to others (are you going to hurt dark? are you willing to, even knowing he's daisuke? what about not knowing, and only learning after you've hurt him?) alongside the dilemmas that dai n dark have to face themselves (are you going to tell? do you know what you want? do you belong here? can you trust this person) is always entertaining.

SOMETHING YOU WANT OTHERS TO KNOW BEFORE WRITING WITH THEM. nothing in particular comes to mind rn? you can go through my reference tag if you want to see me ramble about hc stuff for miles, otherwise, the only thing i can think of is that dark and daisuke literally share a single body, and their transformations into one another can be extremely fluid, hence me not separating their interactions or IC tags. it's okay to question and ask yourself who the hell you're actually interacting with because again, dark and daisuke have such a weird relationship of host/possessor + alter ego/alter ego (yet actually are one and the same) going on. for the most part tho, dont worry about it. just act naturally. also yeah dark's wings are real and he actually does have freaky demon teeth and weird eyes. daisuke's just a lil guy but chances are he WILL try to befriend and support you, so like, know what you're getting into with that and all.

#tagmeme.#stole this u can steal it from me too #reference.

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sidhewrites · 3 months

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do you have tips on learning how to do that with your thoughts when all you want to do is hate yourself

regarding this post

So this is coming with a couple disclaimers:

This may not work for everyone, because everyone is different and there's no panacea for mental health

i'm not an authority, i just worked with a DBT therapist for 5 years and did my best for after that.

this method isn't necessarily meant to stop your thought spirals or feeling like shit. I'm giving this advice from the perspective of just wanting to make it bearable and allow you to get to the other side unscathed

This will not work right away. It sucks. I hate that it takes time and effort, but it does. It's a skill you have to build up. It took me literal years to get it to work and I promise you're worth the time it takes to figure it out as well.

Finally, ask for external validation whenever you need it. Friends, family, positivity blogs, r/congratslikeimfive anywhere. This is hard! You're doing a hard thing. And you deserve to have people on your side while you do it.

But start with knowing logically that these thoughts are not the truth. They're not you, they're not reality, they're just the chemicals in your brain and thought patterns making you feel like shit. It may feel real, but it's not, I promise. You aren't a terrible person, your friends don't hate you, and your cat would not be better off starving on the streets covered in fleas. It'll take a while to believe this, but tell yourself until it feels true. Fake it till you make it. It takes time for it to really sink in, but it will.

Addendum: turns out i have a lot to say so it's going under a cut

Your job is to start with stopping things from spiraling to the bottom. Whether that means slowing it down, stopping it, or bringing it back up -- it just depends the situation in the moment and your skill with coping methods.

SAY STOP: You can use a couple of skills that may or may not work for you. Sometimes it's just physically stopping whatever movements you're doing, holding your hands out, saying the word stop. When I get caught in an indecision spiral where I want to do everything at once (put the dishes away, pick up the towel, stop the timer on my phone, etc etc etc), I physically make myself stand still, hold my palms outward like I'm telling someone else to stop, and think "Stop."

It lets me reset and make an order of operations in my head and manage things. It might work with some things but not with others. Like saying stop won't make my self-hatred spiral help, but you gotta try anyway to figure out what works and what doesn't.

GIVE IT A NAME: For me personally, it's easier to separate myself from these emotions than it is to say "No, I'm wrong, I shouldn't be thinking this way, I'm stupid for feeling this way." Because in the moment it doesn't feel wrong, even when it is demonstrably false, and can make you spiral further down.

You can use a name that's funny, that's meaningful, whatever. I chose clarence because it's fun to say "Fuck off, clarence." Clarence is wrong. Clarence is stupid for thinking this way. I'm amazing.

Find some way to talk about these spirals in a way as if they're an entirely different entity than yourself, and then tell them to leave you alone. Again, it won't stop the spirals from happening, but it will make it easier to suffer through until you're able to come down from your emotional distress.

TELL YOURSELF YOU'RE AMAZING.

I don't care if it feels wrong, or like a lie. I am telling you, as someone who went through major depressive disorder with no coping skills, you're amazing. You've gotten through this much, and you deserve good things.

Find concrete facts about yourself so you can argue with your Clarence. He thinks you suck? Well you're really good at making pancakes and your friends love your jokes and you have the best taste in shoes, so Clarence can fuck right off because he's wrong.

If you can't find it on your own...

ASK FOR HELP

Tell the people in your life. I'll say to my friends Clarence is being a bitch about XYZ" and they hype me up and talk about how wrong he is and point out things they like.

You might feel like they're wrong. You might feel like they're lying to make you feel better.

That's not true. That's just Clarence being a bitch and telling you lies. Your friends love you, and they love you enough to tell you how great they think you are.

DISTRACT YOURSELF

Make sure it's something that you like. No doomscrolling, nothing to make you angry, nothing to make you hopeless. It doesn't have to be positive or funny, but it has to get your mind off things. A movie, tv, a video game, whatever. It'll help get your mind out of the spiral and get on with your life. It'll feel shitty and awful until you get out of that hole, and the hole will always be there to trip into, but you'll know it's not true. It's just some shitty dude who lives in your head trying to be a shit and get in the way of how amazing you are.

Anecdote: I was having a self hatred spiral and feeling like daisy would be better off on the streets than she is in my house. Meanwhile she's across the room looking like the happiest girl in the world. I literally took a picture because it was so funny how BLATANTLY FALSE my emotions were in the moment. Look at her. I love her.

#Ask #Anonymous #mental health

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autumn-rain-co · 5 months

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so like, im considering my stances on a lot of things now because i just got out of a really toxic/weird friend group, and its making me think like. idk syscourse is so complicated for me and it feels like im doing the thing of “trying to please everyone and instead pleasing no one”

i have DID. i have DID because of trauma. but ive always been plural, i know i have. i view the fact that im plural and the fact that i have DID as separate entities that effect each other but arent necessarily the same thing. im also getting increasingly uncomfortable with using non-medical language when before i had an aversion to it.

i agree with the majority (if not all) of your stances when it comes to syscourse, and honestly i always have, but after being in endo-centric spaces for so long its hard not to have that feeling of “am i being a bad person?” stuck in the back of my head every time i think/say directly that while i do believe in endogenic plurality, i dont think you can have OSDDID without trauma. and hearing the sources that the proendo people i used to know would use to prove the existence/potential for endogenic OSDDID get disproven is starting to push me further and further away from finding those communities acceptable at all. they make me angry, on a certain level, because i would parrot those sources to hell and back without ever questioning them.

its tempting to say im unaligned, but even saying im unaligned would potentially just upset everyone regardless of stance — because antiendos would see it as being pro, and proendos would see it as being anti (i will note ive literally seen people do this with Your stances). on top of that, id essentially be exiling myself from any communities thtat dont have an extremely nuanced view on syscourse — and there are Very few places that Do have nuanced stances.

idk, sorry if this is too much for ur blog, im just trying to sort things out with myself

Ough... Oughh I really get where you're coming from Anon, I really do.

I used to struggle with wanting to find a good middle ground that everyone can agree on by researching and reading many opinions that I find to be nuanced and puts both sides of the endo debacle into consideration. But, after a while, I started to realize I couldn't find a middle ground at all.

I struggled with this cycle of trying to cater and take everyone's opinions and feelings into consideration, but in the end there are still some people that are unhappy. Which is, inevitable. Someone will always find a way to disagree.

After a while, I came to the conclusion that my stances and opinions are not things that should make people feel comfortable or happy. I wanted my opinion to consider all sides, be based on correct information, and be open to nuances. If anyone had a problem, they should avoid me themself.

From then on, whenever I entered any space that I considered to have a lack of nuance, pro or anti, I was just honest. I explained my stance thoroughly and answered any questions they may have. To my surprise, I actually got quite a few spaces that let me in (even if they were quite wary).

If a space refuses me then okay, I can find another. I got sick of the lack of spaces with nuance, so I just made my own. I settled with trying to surround myself with people that didn't mind my stances, even better if some actually agreed with me.

With this, I had to distance myself from spaces that just didn't suit me. Spaces that spread misinformation, encouraged harmful beliefs... Hell, I even have a minor (not so great) reputation in some pro-endo discord servers because of the beliefs and opinions I set for myself. However, I had to learn that this wasn't a moral failing on my part.

I simply had a different truth than others. Sure, people agree that considering all sides is a good thing, but sometimes the same people would see you also consider this side that they don't like/think you're considering their side less, they won't think your truth is "good". Antagonizing you.

In summary, you can do whatever the hell you want. Just expect consequences that may or may not make sense.

#syscourse #sorry if this wasn't helpful aaa #i've never expected to get an ask like this #anyone can feel free to chime in with their own experiences!

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little--ghost · 1 year

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its 1:37am its time for me to b incoherent again /j (im horrible at explaining, and a lot of my hcs aren't 100% fully thought through so this makes more sense in my head i am so sorry o7)

All vessels are born from within the Abyss, as such all of them contain shades

Vessels aren't necessarily separate from their shades in this verse, when taking enough mortal damage they revert into their shade and move to wandering until their physical form recovers fully after however much time is needed. Shades sort of exist in the background as the 2nd voice in their vessel's minds by default, but some are capable of overtake due to something like intensely strong emotion, self protection ect. Shades' appearances match the vessel they're from. Except more wispy and ghost like. (Mod note: an example of "this makes more sense in my head")

While in a shaded state the vessel is not 100% conscious, being aware yet not at the same time and taking the back seat in watching their actions- mostly staying to simple courses of action and/or emotion if any at all. Most of the time they prioritize not experiencing further harm. Capable of fighting back, and actually can be quite dangerous in some cases. Many vessels won't remember anything that occurred during this period, if they do it will be in blurry or spotty bits in memory. The time leading up to whatever caused it may or may not be affected.

Shades have been observed to be relatively violent to any entity in its proximity, sometimes even other vessels. Though, for many, staying a respectable distance away or backing away slowly if spotted is enough to remain out of harm’s way. However, some shades can be extremely violent. It’s unknown what causes certain shades to show extreme agitation to anything within its area, but it’s suspected it may have something to do relating to the vessel’s personality, tendencies and other factors amplifying whilst as a shade.

Void by nature is somewhat violent, having only grown more agitated after the infection started. It'll overtake whatever it can grasp, and consume those who get too close which can include beings of its own creation at its worst. Most of it has stayed contained within the Abyss, but traces can be found within the basin above, and curiously enough in a small section within Deepnest. It's rumored in the hushed whispers amongst the siblings an escape through Deepnest is possible from the Abyss.

Death is. weird. when it comes to vessels. Admittedly I haven't even figured this part out myself. Though one reasonably could choose however to return back to the void, if they put their regrets to rest. Most exist still, keeping their conscious and just exists within the mass that is some kind of shared hivemind of some kind. Just existing as passing whispers in the darkness. But if one wanted to fully return to complete unconscious all attachments and ties must be fully severed otherwise they go into... something. A purgatory state? Where the physical being exists but the mind no longer is attached? They just go into a coma i guess?? (Mod note: i definitely was thinking about RW in the back of my mind when i first thought of this)

Void is generally used as a more obscure source of magic, and its thought currently only the old snail shamans and vessels are capable of using it. Some uses include minor teleportation (Echo has shown capability of this), offensive spells (Ghost mostly just stole these, but Azu is capable of this) or self defense (all 4 vessels on this blog use their capes as void tendrils when needed to defend themselves. but that's only because its easier that way. Echo is capable of using their missing arm to form tendrils)

Ghost has been observed being capable of shading themself for More Power at will, though is required to be fueled by desperation and seen as a last resort (this is completely unrelated to the fact they get more aggressive as they take more damage) Pre-Voidheart this state was mostly uncontrolled and kind of just... happened sometimes. You can reasonably say they kinda just go a bit feral, and while they do have some extent of influence on their actions a lot of it isn't fully conscious. They do not remember much, if anything at all when it happened. Post-Voidheart it's a lot more controlled, though memory is still somewhat fuzzy afterward they remain conscious and aware of their actions. The constant in both periods of timespans is it's extremely draining in all aspects and usually results in them being left unable to fight once they're out of that state. They try very hard not to fall into this, and while other vessels are maybe capable of this only Ghost has been observed so far to be able to willingly do this. May have something to do with the fact they're Lord of Shades in present time.

#long post #i am so sorry. please do not think too hard abt these. i am not coherent in my writing im still figuring things out #my brain is scrambled at all times and connecting the simplest of lines is a struggle so! im trying i promise #sorry having anxiety/insecurity in the tags o7 #; text posts ✏️#; headcanons

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hope-and-sleep · 1 year

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I have an interview to do, and thus I am desperately cramming concepts in my head like a college student before her final exams and questioning life.

Yes, I've spent two years working in this programming language, but do I actually know how it works? Do I actually know how to code in it? You'd think the answer is yes! Instead, as I jump through a hole of generics and abstracts and implementations, I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that the answer is "mayhaps not!"

Anyway. Here are a few notes I took for myself on basic definitions and stuff I should probably know. They're not pretty and/or on paper but have them anyway as I spiral slowly into madness.

A compiled language: converted directly into machine code that the processor can execute

An interpreted language: runs through the program line by line. Generally takes longer than a compiled language.

A procedural language: code is broken down into procedures. Data and methods are two separate entities. No access specifiers. Code is meant to follow a series of steps.

A functional language: everything is organized around functions and parameters. ngl i kind of hate this.

A object-oriented language: breaks down software into components (objects) that code can adhere to. Data and methods are tied together by classes or objects

Polymorphism: multiple objects share the same name, but have different structures or serve different functionalities in different contexts -- see function overloading and function overriding.

function overloading (static): 2+ methods in the same class have the same name but different parameters. Errors here are caught in compile time.

function overriding (dynamic): A method in a child class and a method in the parent class have the same method signature (name + parameter list). Errors here are caught in runtime.

Inheritance: child classes inherit attributes and methods of a parent class, reducing redundancy as classes can share common logic, structure, and attributes

Encapsulation: Objects are one singular entity -- they have their own private state, methods, attributes, etc, that can’t be accessed by other objects. Makes for greater security!

Abstraction: Classes expose certain data attributes while keeping others private. Similar to the above, except the point here is that the user only knows what they need to know: AKA they don’t need to know the inner workings of a function. Simplifies things + again, greater security

#computer science #my life #everything

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void-the-bear · 2 years

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Are we able to ask for one shots involving your ocs

Yeah, I guess. I mainly implied it for it to be cookie run but I can do some with my OCs. Here's a list of my OCs, normally it's just a separate tab on my blog but mobile doesn't like it so :b

Note: This is far from all my OCs, but these are ones I’d like to share more about. Some of my other OCs have an ask blog. Sorry these don’t go into much detail, I wanna keep them as transparent as possible in case I ever wanna change one, but these ones will likely not be undergoing major changes though

Phantasma, a ghost

Nameless, a conglomeration of multiple animals(I have art for him that @maskoni-five made for me, just ask if you wanna see it-)

Catrine, a cat that can turn into a neko. She sells scarves in a snowy tundra

Luna, the Werewolf Queen(personally one of my favorite characters I’ve made)

Expo, a sphinx cat that’s half-void and has unnatural abilities because of that

Blacky, a void “demon” and Expo’s best friend.(Blacky already had a love interest and it started The Great Void War because of it)

Sky the Cloud Dragon, an aging warrior who’s best known for his time in the sky wars

Vinnie the Velociraptor, he came from Sky’s dream realm and helps others who are having bad dreams break away from them. He’s also not the brightest crayon in the box

Snatggbu(Snatg for short), a tyrant that killed a lotta people and destroyed multiple worlds. His power was in his horn, but since his horn was snapped off by his own creation, he’s dead.

Plobbetba(Plob for short), said creation. Was originally just a 2 year old dragon living with her family till Snatg killed them all. Snatg brought Plob back by making her a cyborg who can melt anything but herself, for the purpose of melting planets. She keeps Snatg’s horn close to her at all times, knowing how dangerous it can be in the wrong hands

Fiqunzur, it’s not just an OC, it’s a species. Here’s a picture of one I drew myself. They take whatever they find interesting with their tail-hand and take it back to their dens. They’re really soft, have 6 eyes so they can see all around them(their only blind spot is directly behind them), and are infamous for being able to change color and shape, thus able to get through just about any cage.

Qwarkon “The Blood Moon’s Ghost”, a weather elemental(which makes him looks ghostly) who can only use his powers when under moonlight, when getting power from the moon the moon appears to be a blood red for those nearby.

Ellipse the alien, her kind was cursed with immortality by “green fire”, and her planet was destroyed by a pink entity who called themselves “The Leader”. However, she can still feel pain, so whenever somebody threatens her, she says “Better make it hurt. Better make me scream in pain.” She’s a lizard-looking creature with feathers that change color based on what she eats, and she’s a super fast learner, learning English within a few hours. While I was in a roleplay server, I had her attempt to flirt with SCP 682(who was run by somebody else).

(this one is FNaF OC, the rest aren't for any fandom :b) Puzzles the Chameleon Animatronic(More colors will be added, though IDK how often I’m gonna update him. If you draw him, just keep one of the pieces on his head color code 842593) A Chameleon Animatronic that was loved by kids because they were able to color in puzzle pieces of him. When he was eventually sold to Fazbear Entertainment™️, he had a very unique touch-screen-suit on him, and he purposefully recolored each color on him exactly where it used to be, even though the pieces on him got smaller so more can fit onto him. He’s always friendly, and is really good with special needs kids. During hugs his screen usually changes to a chameleon pattern so it won’t mess up the pieces on him. He remembers fondly of the first color ever put on him, being Purple Color Code 842593((don’t get why? Read the color code backwards)) on his forehead. He’s usually very calm, though eager to make new friends. He lets the children approach him over him approaching the children, unless said child is having a meltdown or sensory overload, in which he’ll calmly usher them into a quiet place and play a music box which has different options, the default being Somewhere Out There from An American Tail(a real movie that came out in 1986). He’s also resistant of anything that makes him aggressive, and the only thing he’ll become aggressive to is the person or thing that tried to make him aggressive. He will always help whoever the other animatronics are trying to hurt for little reason. His default voice is calming, not too deep, not too high, and he can change his voice in a range. While he doesn’t have a chest cavity like Glamrock Freddy, he helps kids who’re trapped by mimicking their clothes pattern which is a diversion to the other animatronics, or if he’s helping a Nightguard, he changes colors like the animatronic that’s the nearest to the guard. He’s also had plenty of memory upgrades, voice range upgrades, upgrades to make him have more puzzle pieces, and music box upgrades so he can play anything he considers calming music, and kids can make requests to play certain songs or just to not play anything. Though his music box upgrades also allows him to learn new things from the internet as a whole, he always checks multiple sources before adding something to his memory from the internet. His room is a designated quiet room, though he usually spends his time outside of it so loud kids don’t rush in to disturb the kids or even adults that need a quiet place to calm down.

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papenvs3000w24 · 3 months

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My sense of place B1_W24

Hello, I am Poojan, currently in my last semester at UofG for Landscape Architecture. This is one of the many blog posts that will focus on how I interpret nature and its elements. I hope that with the addition of these posts, I can better orient and explain my understanding of the rock with live on.

Like many relationships, my relationship with Nature wasn't really established until I understood what nature truly was, very recently. As you rarely think about "How things are" and focus more on "Why things are". We question everything but rarely grasp the outcome or answers that we receive. As a kid, I always wondered why the sky was blue. I was told it was due to light refracting (which I mistook for reflecting) and lived on. In my head, the ocean is blue so the sky is blue was the conclusion. Much later I figured out what refracting meant. Nonetheless, the point is that my sense of place in nature is as such, always evolving in understanding or debunking misunderstanding.

Like a stream of water that over time turns into an ever-winding river, nature for me has been as such. First, starting off slowly, trickling down a slope to now turning a clashing and weaving, expanding, etc. Nature is more than just the outdoors which many limit their imagination to (like I also had). For me, it is a source of empowerment. As someone who grew up in a Vedic philosophical family. My connections to Nature varied from the norm, since childhood. Sun = SurajDada (Sun Grandfather), Moon = ChandaMama (Moon Uncle), etc... These at a young age allowed me to build a relationship with Nature from a Gaia perspective. An organism. Something that I can relate to like my family. Something to be able to express feelings towards, and be grateful for.

My current relationship with nature is that of gratefulness. My sense of place originates from the teaching of my parents and predecessors whose penance has allowed me to not view Nature as a separate entity, but rather as a part of me, an extension of my thoughts that can be filled with emotion, one that is selfless (that which is seen in families). To the water in my tap, which comes and quenches my thirst, the food that is passed on from the hands of the farmer to the locals at a grocery store and into my belly all the way to the creation/formation of the roads, trails, trees, plants, animals, species that I interact with. A bond that when looked creates a web of interconnectedness (one of which I am a part of); a sense of belonging to someone or something. Knowing that I am attached to the work of something more than myself. That is my current sense of place, which may evolve or stay stagnant, depending on the thoughts of my ever-expanding river of knowledge.

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abyssalpriest · 10 months

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On the Name Tengri, 20230622

An extensive exploration of some anxieties regarding using the name Tengri for the Day Sky spirit - 'Day Sky god' to illustrate his immensity if 'spirit' sounds small in your head - I have known since before I knew any of his names, specifically exploring why I choose to use that name despite not working with anyone from Mongolia. A very touchy topic and choice for many people, including for me; it was a choice I didn't want to make. I hope though if you have opinions on my choice that you consider this essay on why I do so. I have to stress the choice to use the name was almost made for me; the choice was a step presented to me face-on to prove I am more willing to listen to him and spirits of nature than incarnated, uninvolved humans regarding the Otherside and working with nature, requested of me in my workings with him. I want to deepen my workings and become more full-time involved with the Sky as I used to be and as such he, my guiding Sun, has provided a test to see if I actually want to listen to spirits or only pursue that which humans already approve of. That is part of the reasoning, the rest follows. This essay exists to explore and lay out what I believe is right to do. On top of this discussion on the name I also explore my memories and workings with him, the Day Sky, mostly from off this plane and pre-incarnation as this life, Dei, as well as what my relationship has been with him so far. The scariest part remains that I haven't let myself look into much of anything regarding this name because I have felt I was out of place and out of line, so I do not know what I am getting into by nature of my hesitance. Hence: The more I ignore this, the more toes I am inevitably stepping on. If I want to let myself be reborn as a part of the Day Sky incarnated though I have to take the step to listen to the Day Sky again.

Obviously since this is posted here, the entity I talk about is the one I know by the names Leviathan, Shiva, Poseidon, etc.

"Why do you claim to work with Tengri? Tell me as if I were the ones you fear, tell me as if I had a sword to your throat. Tell me why you worship me. Defend your territory."

Because from the very beginning, before I knew the names Leviathan, Shiva, Poseidon, as anything more than distant and impersonal stars on the horizon it was about the encompassing Day Sky. I was about the Day Sky. I had an entire blog for Christ's sake documenting my relationship with you and the Day, a thing within which I poured the energy that sprang up from inside me regarding the sky, filled with distant memories of being up there as a sky spirit. In and as a part of the Day Sky I watched humanity evolve from and into specs of nothingness. Time blurs up there, Space takes on Time like it's holding a sleeping lover, with Time becoming more of a suggestion and Space the waking eyes of reality. I watched, non-linearly if you try to map my experiences to human history, arisings of civilisation emerge and emanate and then return inwards like blooming moulds and like the way flowers dance with the Sun - or the inverse, death to birth, since with eyes tied to the Firmament you can See within any direction. All doors in the Day Sky map to the compass and it acts as a doorway to all views. Open, close, bloom, wilt, civilisations ebb and flow even inside the same time frame, and temples to you grow brick-by-brick in blurred tempos and face you like sunflowers.

I've seen civilisations in every period divided more by energy than story-based timing... Late Egypt feels different to Early Egypt to put a name to an example though every civilisation has varied similarity, that's what separates them, time periods are as much a spatial separation as "here" and "there". Through your guidance, your water around my eyes, I see their Gravitational cohesion and their centres of mass, their quasi-souls, these thrumming hive-centres that morph and change like the centipede forms of Time - like you stretched across existence with your hundreds of hands in everything. I've watched with abstracted hawk eyes - two for every feather on my wings - from above the gardens of this Earth bloom and take shape and wilt and die in a slow motion dream of a fireworks show... And we did that together. Spirits of the Day Sky - plural as many more I'm sure had similar experiences - watching the arising and birth and subsequent death of humanity in a photo album of atemporal - but laid out that way for a reason - story beats...

We were unanimous as the wind dragged into spirals by your wings. You would pull us along like a horse pulls its chariot, like a conductor with his choir at the beck and call of your hands...

I know you because I know you. I work with you because I always have worked with you. You are a force of cohesion in the Day Sky of which I have always been a part. There is no I without You because you have always been a part of where I am from. You are like the water in the veins to us as an animal cell, you are the lightning in our clouds, the Day Sky weaving between molecules, the Sun's Gravitational pull that holds the Day together. And you have been here for eons, you have existed in this blue space since before humans were a thing on this plane...

I have come to incarnate for my own reasons, but I still exist up there and my soul calls out to yours eternally, constantly, as you are that which holds together the thing that I am a part of. Why does an animal beg for meat? Why does a baby cry for milk? Because they are sustained by these things in the way that the animal and baby intake them and they become a part of their bodies. The meat, the milk, it weaves into the fabric of their selves between their ribs and their muscles, it becomes them in the desperate way of... Without these things, there will be no animals, no babies. Without you I am not sustained. There is no soul of mine without the Eternal Blue Sky. I have and always will be a day sky spirit who is in tune with and relies on you and therefore my body will always ache for your presence, no matter if my body is pure inorganic chemistry of Space and Time and blue-lit molecules that is bound by the abstracted letters of your name, or raw meat craving to speak it in its full, vocalised form. Whether I am that uninvoked thing that sits in the womb of your name or I am birthed and screaming for air to say it, I will exist to be in relation to you. Your name will always be either within or without me. Now that I am human, I am squishy, I am incarnate, my flesh-bound eyes and mind and the blood through my veins look back up at you and know you as home.

To the audience, though, because that is what this is about:

'Tengri'? Why that name? Because you know when you're talking to Tengri. You know, when you have been involved with him, that he is who he says he is. He does not hide behind fake names when he works with you, he has enough power that when you know him, you know he does not need to pretend to be someone he is not. He does not hide. Sometimes he slips through the cracks in Creation yes, lays like an alligator submerged to his under-eye line, stands black in swathes of shadows... But when you are ready to know him you know him. It is so clear through nature spirit eyes that the spirit I work with is, to speak through the human tongue and communal human understandings so you have a reference to understand, the one who came down to you all as Genghis Khan and left a footprint the size of his claws across the entire world when he did so. He is the keen-eyed hawk, the intelligence in the machine, driven, up front, with a presence like a wall of black water. The racing horses, the father in the wilderness, the encompasing slow dream. He is like the hungry wolf's drive and muzzle when the prey is marked for death, the storm of hoofbeats melding together as a song, the storm clouds approaching on the horizon with the sweeping of birds as his eyes before it, the wind as his tendrils reaching out and curling around reality. He is the ecstatic dancing to drums and the flying of the hawk, the opening of eyes on the other side, the illumination of reality. Why wouldn't I believe him when he says he is the one known as Tengri?

He is the immensity of rain - the immensity of water, really, because rain is like the visible form of his compared to all of him that you will never see like the water underground, in rivers out of view, in the plants around us. In your veins. If you knew to look you'd see him there. He is the immensity that has woven itself through humanity's very existence in a myriad of ways whether it is his incarnations' DNA, the Sky and rain cycling through you to keep you alive, the spirit of nature aroused in your mind when you finally grip on to something off this plane, the presence of the Great Sky above that has been eternal since before our conception... He has encompassed humanity since before its birth. But he is to his family also the calm day sky, the Summer's midday, morning, and afternoon, love in its outreaching form. A strict teacher yes, and not one to protect humans from natural laws of nature and its order, but he is still a loving guardian of humans he takes under his wings. To those who are considered his family... He is the imposing and elegant father with a presence of a collective human understanding of what a father is weighing down on us, the small children who observe him. He is the intelligence of eons of study and research, the... I could speak forever. He is the immensity of the Day Sky and all its complexity, the father on the outskirts, the teacher in the wilderness, and expressly, literally, not metaphorically, the Day Sky interwoven with the seasons, nature, weather, and the spirits around. He is Tengri.

How do I know this is Tengri and not Dyeus? Zeus? Anyone else? They all have their own energies, their own approaches. I do not know every sky deity in general but especially not this life, I was unsure this life who Dyeus was, for example. But I know the one who calls himself Zeus intimately: Electric, wild yet confined, the wilderness overlaid across civilisation so that he is barely one or the other, the law maker, the meaningless (in terms of body language it has no communication) grin behind the folds of Time, the one who wields his staff like a still statue immense and liquid not in the way of water, but like plasma, boiling concoction beneath a barely moving lid, the dust-grey shadows, the black and white static on television screens, the irreconcilable paradoxes reconciled and contained. Madness of storms in the intact and civil titan form of a king. On the surface perfectly poised and orderly but under it the wilderness of nature, and under that poised and orderly, ad infinitum. He interacts with humanity in a similar but different way to the Day Sky that I know - wears a different sense of fatherhood, wields a different sort of Law, enacts a different kind of judgement. Sky gods are not interchangeable in the way that people from one homeland aren't; you may find enough similarities to call them synonymous if you never get to know them, but they remain independent outside of your brash opinions on them.

If you don't agree with the syncretisations of Tengri - Leviathan - Shiva then I would far sooner erase all my knowledge of him in other cultures thinking I may have gotten it wrong than lie and say I thought he wasn't Tengri, and that's even despite the fact that he's done a lot of work to show me himself in other cultures. Regardless, I'd sooner discard every other name because he showed me himself, in vivid visions and the recreations in his Mental territories, lands that I had never seen before, because this life I have been incredibly out of touch with this planet's linear space I did not know how to recognise Mongolia, Tibet, and similar areas he frequents. I don't come here to sit and relearn geographical maps and histories of this place - nothing wrong with learning that, I'm highlighting that everyone has their own reasons for being here including me and I just have not been in touch with this planet since my childhood. He would show me, though, sweeping areas of land between heavy mountains. Flat expanses of what seemed like bristly wind-worn and desaturated plants, rocks, thin rivers, and expansive heavy mountains arising from them. Nothing like tree-filled valleys between mountains which was all I had ever seen, but spaces where the land gave way and sank under the caress of the sky itself. Hugely empty of cities and villages, a land with such a specific energy...

I've been drawing this setting over and over and over in my art since I was a child. I sit here every time I choose to draw an outdoors background saying "ugh, why does it always have to be plain grassy flat land with mountains, it doesn't make any sense" - even in recent years as I obsess over symbolism and accuracy and detail in art and I want interesting, varied landscapes, I cave to the same open fields and mountains because specifically it feels like home as if it were opening a portal to somewhere specific, somewhere I know in my heart, my memories. Somewhere significant, my body aches for something similar, and I am viscerally aware of the fact that I know, somewhere, what I am drawing. I cannot stop myself. It was only recently I found out this sort of place exists on this plane. Images of Mongolia strike the strangest most visceral sense of normality and aching for experiences I have long forgotten, but know as very, very familiar.

My mind is pregnant with the imagery of this place birthing experiences that are always tied to it, because we - I following the Day - had always been around the area. When I first looked up Mongolia after relearning that name Tengri this life I was shocked, in awe. Like the vivid landscapes in his visions, in his mindspace/Mental territory that I spend time in, like the same repeating landscape that spews from my hand's every time I draw, that dances in my mind as familiar and homely to the point that I had made myself, in his Dreamland territory, a home in an ever-stormy field I came across that was vast flat land between mountains... I can't stress how alien this landscape was to someone who has lived all their years in Australian cities and Irish subburbs. I had never, including online, seen images of anything like what I drew and saw in visions until Tengri reconnected with me in name this life, and what I thought was alien and just my own nonsense was suddenly confirmed as completely grounded. This place, Mongolia as I know now, has echoed through all my interactions with the Day as I know him... And just like the Day repeats in my stories and characters all through my life from when I was born, Mongolia has echoed too. The part of me that knows the Day intimately knows Mongolia well.

The question also arises that, if that is indeed Leviathan, Shiva, why not just work with those names? Well, technically I do, but I'm taking this question to mean "why not leave the name entirely alone and focus on what you have?" Multiple reasons.

First, but not chiefly: As I was saying, this name and his connection to Mongolia have been playing in my mind since I was a child. He has been meeting me and dragging me to Mongolia in visions, going there with me off-plane too - and he is heavily aware of where he's bringing me and his own reasons of why. Even when he knew I had no clue what this place was, he made sure I saw where we were so one day I would know - purposely setting our meetings in the backdrop of this land since before I knew the name Tengri. Yes, we have met elsewhere, but as a part of his entourage in the Sky... We go where he goes. I remember when I was told this spirit, the Day as I knew him, uses the name Tengri: one of the most vivid takings-over I have experienced, one moment I was being given a set of letters in a name I'd never heard or at least never paid attention to, the next I felt so much awakening in myself and such a visceral awakening of my awareness, threads pulled together within me, bonds being formed between us, bonds between I and the Day, before - and while - I was pulled by him out of awareness of my body for him to stand with him in this land that I had still not seen physically up to this point, and talk to me about his role there, talk to me as Tengri, vividly.

I am indivisible from my Lord - "Lord" being a human roleplay with him, nature has no Lords - my connection to him has always first and foremost been through him as the Blue Sky. My conscious awakenings in this life have been mostly sky blue, my energy sings with it, my soul is interwoven with it. He teaches humans the art of communicating with spirits and how to work with the weather and nature itself, with spirits on the other side; he teaches how to dress yourself in the parts of and become animals and make boats in the form of tools of their bodies to move within, to travel between worlds, to understand dreams and walk with them; he teaches spiritual laws, physics, mathematics, science, cosmology... An intellect further reaching and more interwoven with reality than even the blue sky that we see above us - the Day Sky's intellect stretches through so much more than the molecules above us that science would dictate as the boundaries of our atmosphere. He teaches awareness and awakening like the rising sun illuminates everything around us...

Second reason as to why I use that name, and chiefly: To him, Tengri is not just a name and Mongolia is not just yet another place he has been called to by humans. It repeats through his expressions, his vision imagery, it reflects heavily in the human appearance he takes that echoes so thoroughly his people there... Which means it is a heavy part of him. Even when I sit with him in the human form he takes and talk about the most mundane and non-Mongolian things, Mongolia is written, stitched, into his features. To claim to love (this spirit) and ignore him as Tengri and to ignore Mongolia would be akin to claiming to love your spouse but refusing to visit his foreign family, to eat their cuisine, to partake in their customs while you are in their house. Metaphorical, please remember, I am not partaking in any customs and culture other than what I am told to do by him, which may possibly be recognisable to people there but will never be Mongolian. I can never claim that path, nor is it what I'm here to do. It is not about inputting yourself in a foreign culture, it is about respecting the ones your family is a part of when you are interacting with that family. He has been family to me since before I was born and as such I will respect and acknowledge his family.

I will never walk the path of a Mongolian shaman and I will never walk the path of anything Mongolian full stop. I will likely never step foot there on this plane. If I were supposed to be Mongolian this life I would've incarnated there, if Tengri wanted me to go the full experience of working with him solely under this name he would've brought me there. I will never claim to know "Tengri" in the way they know him, because "Tengri" by right of it being their name for him is inherently their understanding of him and their connection to him, it is shorthand for both he and them. In this life I am Australian and Indian so Shiva is the emanation of him that I will study and tie myself to, the blue-throated, sky-clad one who eternally pours down water on to Earth through his hair, the ascetic storm on the outskirts, the howling one, the master teacher, the consciousness awaking in all of us. But I love him beyond names, I have followed him since a time and place before names - I have known him since we existed in a place with no mouths to speak names - and I have had the honour of being exposed to his home in Mongolia so I will, 'til my dying breath and beyond it, always respect Mongolia's weight on his and therefore my existence and have a deep respect for her people and his family there - and I am in a time and space now where names are a very beautiful and important form of marking relationships and connecting with those around you - which is what I express when I say "Tengri". "Tengri" is him and it is his connection to them, to honour "Tengri" is to honour that connection. To say that the Day Sky is Tengri is not to say I dictate who is and isn't Tengri and what Mongolian people believe and don't believe, it is honouring that I believe them when they say they know the Day Sky, that they know he is very real, and they have worked with him for enough generations to confirm that he exists both on the other side and on this one. I believe them wholeheartedly. The Day Sky you live under is an ineffibly wondrous and vital thing.

Of course he taught those in a land he calls home his vital arts and if I want to truly follow him, I should acknowledge that. If I really want to work with him and learn from him this lifetime, to love him as fully as I want to do, I need to respect his home. It boils down to that. He can be very distant until you form a bond with him, he teaches those that mean something to him his arts, therefore in a way to me "Tengri" is an understanding of the human bonds to the Day Sky to the point he is attached enough to be willing to teach us his ways. I say this now, this far through the essay, because that thought will always come second to the understanding of that name as being the one Mongolia gives him.

To worship "Tengri" is not the same as worshiping (insert name that I call him personally). Firstly, because it isn't really worship, we have a working relationship built on what we both need and want from each other. I don't bend the knee to him, the 'Unordained Priest' roleplay I take on is purely that, fictional roleplay. It helps me learn to trust again, it is him guiding me to take back symbols that were stolen from me, to let myself be reborn - a very slow process for a spirit, slower than the 9 months of gestation - into myself, to translate myself from the egg and sperm of Day and Earth into a medium, 'priest' in my cultures' tongues, between the two like every one of us are. The words and names we play with like 'priest' (and "Tengri") are a code he inputs into my energy to wake me up and assist the birthing process. But outside of the blog I run I talk to him like any other friend or family member, most of whom are spirits as well, although I can never hide the deep adoration I have for him, something that runs so much further than a human idea of love and infatuation into an eternal lived-in gratitude and acceptance of him as, in a way, my Source as he is for many others.

That "it's not worship" part aside, and with the understanding of worship as to be devoted to, to work with, to revere and love deeply: to "worship Tengri" is to walk into the house of a lover as a guest, to greet their mother by the name in their tongue used to call to a beloved family member, to eat their food, to listen to their music, play their games, and leave all that at the door when I walk out. In this case... I do not enter the house, I do not pick up the cultural habits because I don't live around anyone from Mongolia who could show me that. My entrance is as far as the door of the name and the silence between he and I in his empty house where we dance to his culture, his introduction to what he wants from me. I eat his food, listen to his music, etc, in a house that usually has his family in it but I do not get to meet them.

I do not claim anything because I was incarnated where I was and as who I am to always, now, from the other side, see him as an outsider. Where once he was home, home is now very far away on the other side of a wall only death can transgress. To worship "Tengri" is a temporary endeavour of the heart with a temporary name only invoked to pay respects to all of him that is expressed in that name, and those families on Earth in Mongolia who he endlessly adores and spends so much time with. It is an acknowledgement of the ways he expresses himself since he expresses himself differently under each name, and of my inherent, unshakeable connection to him as the Day Sky, of a lifetime of seeing this place with my workings with the Day Sky, and of the sheer force of impact that land has had on my psyche. It is a way to pay respects to both him and his people. And it also a declaration and a reminder of what no longer is and where I do not belong, where he ends and I begin, where we do not connect. It is a respect for all of these things, presence and absence, love and longing, rights of my births and the things I respect that I am not allowed to touch.

Of course, I cannot avoid that chiefly the reason I use that name is: Because he told me to. He is the one who showed me himself as Tengri and what that means to him and said that I should trust him and do so, because at the end of the day I am here (partly) for him explicitly, and to work with him on this plane from the other side; I will one day die and return to him so there is no point putting my own anxieties of etiquette and temporary human discomfort above serving him. I would never want to upset the people who formed that relationship with him under that name in general but especially since they are indivisible from my soul's love, but I cannot claim to serve and learn from him - I cannot claim to respect him - if he tells me to do something and I ignore him and sit here waiting for other humans who mostly are not even related to his worship and Mongolia to tell me that he has permission to teach me. Who is actually in charge if that's how I treat him?

If I really respect the people who worship him - the Hindus, the Egyptians, whoever it is that has met the Day Sky and has brought him into their society and mythos with a name - would I not respect the spirit that both they and I know understands them and would not just willy-nilly start asking foreigners to do something that harms these groups? Because I do not work with impulses, ideas, I do not only work with tarot cards with vague meanings. I am not presuming he has approached me, not drawing string lines between possible signs and looking up on Wikipedia who it might be. I travel across planes, I speak with him in languages humans don't know as well as ones we do know, I act as one of his black wolves, I fly in his skies. I have seen things of him and been in places where many people who work with him (globally, not talking about any specific place) could not follow by right of our Day Sky connection. I have rejoined him this incarnation on the other side to bring storms, rain, he has shown me how to meld my consciousness into the weather system... He and I reconnect constantly. I explicitly talk with the form he takes to be understandable to humans, and I also communicate as a sky spirit with him in ways most humans would not understand.

I am not presuming he said anything based on simple signs and gut feelings - I have heard his infinitely vibrant voice growl the name Tengri and let its talons dig into my flesh, an eternal sky burial taking place synonymous with my constant birth into this incarnation. I have played with him as a little spirit in the immense churnings of his wings, I have walked with him. I do not presume, I find out. I have found out. He has spoken, and continues to do so in English translated through the strings of my brain's workings as he roosts his consciousness within the parts of it I cannot even comprehend, in spirit languages, in changing the weather as he walks and talks with lightning flashes punctuating revelations, telling me to go outside to sit with him as a blue-sky storm starts as soon as I walk out, rain coinciding immediately with his emotions, his energy filling the space from the ground to the top of the sky - and below and above it. He speaks through everything and I do all in my power to intricately rewrite myself so that I speak his language, his intricacies, his suggestions, his body language (whether body means the forms he takes or the sky itself), his symbolism - I do everything within my power to clarify when I dont understand so that I can be an increasingly more accurate translator of his impulses. It becomes a matter of: Do I really respect these people if I have proven that I have their god in front of me and kick him to the curb, deny him his autonomy, and say "no, if you really were who you were you'd stay in your territory so clearly you're a disrespectful trickster"? Is that really respecting Mongolia?

I am here to anchor him on to this plane - since before I knew his name I knew my purpose this life is "to reconnect people and the sky" - and to strengthen his connection with humanity, and therefore I need to actually shut up and listen to what he wants me to do, and if that includes using that name when many western people would say that Mongolian people would find it disrespectful... Well. I don't trust people in my country to speak on Mongolia, and I cannot bring myself to disrespect and throw out the Blue Sky above them on the off chance I am making a huge mistake... If I am making a mistake, so be it. The forces that be can teach me; I am Hindu in a near-official sense, Karma will bring me back where I need to be in the next life and I will try again. But he is the one that taught me what I said above: That this is respect for his family and his connection to them. This is about honouring them as a group, honouring Mongolia, and if I were to be Mongolian in practice or culture I would have been born there so I will only ever do so in the peripherals. He teaches that. I am not claiming anything but expressing respect for who he is.

My job is to reach into places he does not have many eyes and see for him, I am, this life, wandering from where I usually incarnate so that I can be a part of those who re-sow his annual seeds where he needs things to grow... And to know where to wander you must remember were you have been and therefore no longer are. To know where he needs me is to know where he has many, many people who have him connected to his Earth. I know Mongolia because I am sure when I am done this life I will make many appearances with him there again, but for now, I honour Tengri. I honour that place far across the land and sea. To the people there: You have all known my Lord well and meant the world to him and I can only hope that I become a fraction of that important to him, and I hope, if anything I ever do in any butterfly-effect way has any input and impact on those of you who know Tengri that it is at the very least a neutral one, but oh do I wish it would bring positive effects. The dream would be, in a world where that name is falling into the mouths of Nationalism, to bring some sort of balance back between the nature he is eternally a force in and us, the incarnated human race. The family of the Day is always going to be a distant and admired set of people in my eyes.

In this life, I am eternally called to working with the spirits of the sky and the weather. I am physical but I am also, when I leave my body, and even within it, always dancing with the sky and its people. The spirits of nature speak my mother tongue, I want to get back to learning how to communicate with them physically so I can continue my work for Tengri and help anchor him where I live now, and everything else that is my job that is for no one's ears but his and our families'. I want to keep walking between worlds, he helps me with my wolf form, my reptile and bird forms, helps me fly in the sky again as a dragon, to be a part of the choir of cells of weather spirits that sing for him when he grows closer; he shows me and teaches me to remember who exactly I am and what it means to be both human and spirit in one form. In these ways and parts of my practice, the name Tengri is more pertinent than that of Shiva - of course my main path is non-dual (- meets dual, paradox is important to me) Shaivist Tantra and awakening to my true self... But the act of communing with the spirits of nature around us and working with them... I will never know exactly what is done in Mongolia, but given that each name invokes a different side of the spirits we work with, invoking the Blue Sky Tengri... He taught me to reach for this energy of his for a reason.

When I speak of the Sky in an active way and in the way of crossing the borders between worlds and interacting with the weather, he approaches me steadfastly as Tengri, that name he blurs upwards from outside of me through the inside of me, he tells me to use it and mean it, to call on him like that. I am still new to this, I don't fully understand why and I never will given the infinite complexities of him that have splayed out over thousands and thousands of years, but especially now I do not know why this name in particular is to be used beyond what I have said. I don't know what people in Mongolia call on him for, but that is why I am learning. At the very least I understand the sky in many forms: When you need rain you do not call him blue sky you call him grey clouds, when you need him as a storm you call him storm. When I sit and talk advaita he is the same sky but he talks of himself as consciousness and god, Shiva, when I talk Day and weather, the heavens... I will call upon him as Tengri. Whatever the reason is for entrusting me with that name in my mouth he is my teacher, I follow him to the end as the rain follows the wind, as the thunder follows the lightning, singing whatever name in whatever song is needed to praise him and get his attention turned on to me.

#i am going to take getting Lonely Bird by Huun-Huur-Tu as I go to post this as a good sign bc... before i even knew he was associated #with any part of the world and not just in my head that song was my connection to him and Felt Like Him.#leviathan //#tengri //#ramblings //

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adashusband · 1 year

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Hi there! So a quick explanation on why the rot hasn't been active. I'm gonna put it under a read more as it's quite personal ^^

Please don't feel pressured to read it, tldr; we're pretty sure we're a system. We're very confused and tired so we're taking a break!

(this is quite a ramble, and might not make sense, sorry!)

So approximately just over a week(?) ago, I (I go by vamp for now) realised that I hadn't written a lot of these posts, along with a sizable amount of vent posts on my personal blog. I hadn't had the time to properly think this through in the past, as with a combination of memory difficulties, depression, and overall stress, I had assumed that 'having people in your head', for lack of a better term, was everyone's experience, even with the 'others taking over' when overwhelmed. After finally getting back into therapy, therefore thinking about myself in great detail, I finally had the space to realise that my experiences are not universal. This, combined with someone who goes by 💧 directly talking to me in my head sort of metaphorically slapped me round the face. I've also realised that the rot and I are similar, causing confusion over who did what. We're definitely separate entities, though.

We're not entirely sure how we formed, but considering our therapist has said we probably have C-PTSD along with 'general' trauma, we're pretty sure we're traumagenic. I have a massive headache writing this as someone 'in my head' is screaming and is very very stressed.

Overall, this has been an extremely confusing week.

The rot would like to apologize for not answering its requests,, this rot does have genders and flags made, it's just posting them that's the issue! Rot gets a massive brain fog when it wants to post........ Everything happening at the moment is not helping! For now, this rot will not be posting its own genders or anything, but it might still reblog and like! Thank you for understanding (⁠・⁠–⁠・⁠;⁠)⁠ゞ

#。🥩 the flesh speaks

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marlaluster · 2 years

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THE DEVIL IS ATTACKING AND GOING CRAZY!!! IT WAS MAKING A FAINT SENSE SOMETHING WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AT THE BACK OF MY HEAD!!! AS I JUST WROTE HERE IT WAS FORCING A THOUGHT OF WHO THE PEOPLE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THAT I HAD RECENTLY WRITTEN ABOUT ON THIS BLOG: ANA DE ARMAS AND THE PREGNANT WOMAN WITH A TATTOO ON HER BELLY!!!

IT'S SO SICK THAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ALL WEIRD STUFF I'M SUPPOSED TO SEEM TO BE THINKING BECAUSE THE THING IS FORCING IT!!! I WOULD NOT BE THINKING THIS WEIRD STUFF AND MAKING THESE WEIRD CONNECTIONS THAT ARE VERY SICK, WHERE I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THINKING ABOUT THESE AND SOME WEIRD THING THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN RELATION TO MYSELF!!! I WASN'T THINKING ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE!!!

"Can she be okay. Uh I don't know what to do. I am not okay," the devil said as it was putting an image of Ana De Armas in my mind.

But it seemed it was trying to force I was supposed to be inferior to the people because I was writing here or something.

"Uh I have something to say. I obsess over that person to be less because she is not who I am. Whoever I am I don't wish to go on, but I do. Bye," the devil said.

It was forcing a sense that I was supposed to be not as irritated or offended by the weird things it was forcing I was supposed to be thinking because it said that above.

But it was forcing earlier also that I was supposed to think something like there was something wrong with and also I was supposed to feel embarrassed about things I was saying. I think I was just singing "Leave me alone," to the tune of a DMX song that was in my head and the devil was forcing I was supposed to be embarrassed and feel diminished and etc. It was so sick.

"I don't wish to tell that I am not okay," the devil said. "So I say things that are not okay."

It was forcing that I was truly diminished if I didn't feel better now that it was saying that, something like. I did not consider that I should feel better, but it was forcing I was to feel better and I didn't really feel better.

"I am saying she feels better because I am not okay that she is saying I'm less," the devil said.

"He's saying I'm supposed to not be something other than her. But she can tell I'm saying stuff not okay because I'm not who can be," my soulmates said.

So they're saying the devil is supposed to not be apparent as a separate entity and it's supposed to seem I'm thinking all the stuff it tries to force I'm supposed to be thinking.

The devil always makes me talk in a weird voice. I don't pay it much attention but it always obsesses I'm supposed to think something about it or be offended by it. I don't wish it but I don't really pay a lot of attention to it.

"You're supposed to be someone else, but where you are less and someone else not, someone that talks like that," the devil said.

Yeah, I don't think that. I think instead of what happening and the content of my words or something. I'm not really concerned about the voice.

Yeah, but I just wanted to tell about the devil attacking. It's been doing other stuff, too. I don't remember everything. It was doing some sexual visions involving what was supposed to be me with many naked black men and what was supposed to be me performing oral sex on one of the black men.

"I don't wish you to say that," the devil said about the vision of the black men.

"I don't wish you to tell that because I am not allowed to do it," the devil said.

Presently, it's making a weird tired feel to my eyes also where it's hard to not frown.

"It's supposed to be that I'm not okay," the devil said.

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mistydear · 2 years

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as someone who consumes fanfiction in unhealthy amounts, my brain automatically perceives "y/n" as [insert my name]. but with 'soften me now,' i could never and in a good way. the character is well-thought and well-written that i feel like an impostor whenever i try to imagine myself as y/n. it is hard to immerse myself since i acknowedge y/n as a separate entity with complex thoughts and feelings that are a lot different from mine. in this case: y/n is not i, but y/n is y/n! i ramble, sorry!

yeah, yeah, yeah! i set out to make it strictly [insert name here], but then y/n developed a personality and i had to go with the flow. though i feel like giving them a name at this point would be inauthentic?? idk y/n floats in this weird in between space. very solidly a “character” but not an independent entity. she’s rooted deeply in her situation and the characters around her, and i don’t think she’d exist without them.

i’m glad you’re okay with it though and feel like they’re a fleshed out character! that means a lot to hear. y/n is just y/n! even though y/n is different from my own personality too, i don’t think i have the same struggle to fully immerse myself just because i care about y/n as much as i care about billie so i’m constantly rooting for both of them and getting in their heads and reacting with them. im also the author though lmao so these dummies weasel into my head whether i want them to or not

no ramble apologies here!! rambles are always welcome on this blog :)

#thank you so much for sending this!!#<3<3<3 #asks #soften me now

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mechabass · 2 years

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lmfao that person's blog is littered with "gender critical" tags its insane how TERFs have their heads shoved SO far up their asses that they'll go "people are so hypocritical also I see trans people as a separate entity and I think gender affirming surgeries that psychological research has proven to be beneficial to many trans people is bad and people who are confident enough to sell nudes are slutty and emotionally damaged but I """support""" trans people and women uwu" like just say you're angry you're not always the victim and get therapy sweetheart

(I'm sorry tumblr recommended TERF shit to you -- 100% report that shit and maybe look through recently followed blogs 'cause you may have followed someone that has a TERF sideblog!)

yep pretty much, you summed it up very well. there's just so much braindead crap in radfem/terf talking points that i don't even bother trying to teach them anything myself. experiences like this have also opened my eyes to the reality that terfs use fascist rhetoric and kinda rebrand it with their veil of "wokeness" but claim to be so different from right wingers while borrowing their tricks. well i'm glad now i can see it and recognize it, i know better than to listen anything they would say while pretending they "only want the best" for trans people. fuck gender crit losers.

thank you for the message, tumblr is dumb sometimes lol

have a swaggy night bro 8)

#terfs kill yourselves challenge #replying to radfems with personal attacks is moral ascension #dont let anyone tell u otherwise

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fencesandfrogs · 3 years

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hi my name is matthew and i have some thoughts about haes

okay disclaimers: i’m a little jumpy around the subject so while i don’t feel i’m being unnecessarily harsh/unfair, if ur firm on haes w no yielding, and you don’t want to argue about it? either skip this or don’t respond. i don’t really care. but i’m putting the body under a read more.

[3k words, 10 minute read. sections headers, some text italicized for emphasis/some readibility. no images/videos, a few links.]

second disclaimer: i’m not planning on going heavy on sources. i will happily provide sources to people who want them, and i haven’t written the actual post yet but it’s unlike me not to cite anything, but doing an in depth well researched and sourced post on this type of subject is not something i’m up for right now.

like i said, i’m jumpy around this subject. and on the off chance someone decides this post is Bad and i must be banished to the Bad Blogs Bin, i’d rather not put a lot of work into it.

third disclaimer: i’m not particularly interested in reading X study that says actually no people who way 700 pounds are healthy and people who weigh less than 200 are going to die early deaths. i know that’s a straw man i needed to a) get it out of the way now and b) i just am tired all the time and don’t have a ton of itme for it. that said, if you do send one to me, i will probably read it at some point, and i may or may not provide my thoughts.

right then. moving on.

with no more waffling, my thesis is as follows: weight stigma is bad, however obesity is killing people and i really would like people to stop pretending it doesn’t.

i. really hate that that’s a controversial opinion. i mean i hold a decent number of somewhat controversial opinions, most of which i keep to myself because i’m a firm believer that what i think about something should not interfere with how other people live their lives. as a noncontroversial example, i think mormons are in a cult. children, being minors, being indoctrinated is a problem, one i myself am not dedicated to solving because i have other issues but as far as adults involved, that’s their business.

(*please note that i’m not expanding on my thoughts because this post is about haes but i do have a more complicated opinion i’m just trying to demonstrate something please don’t at me about cults i know that they’re bad and adults in them also need help getting out that’s not the point of this post & i’m anxious enough so like, please.)

anyway so. obesity. is bad. it is bad for your health. if you are obese, you are not healthy. that said, i am not going to tell you to lose weight. no one should tell you to lose weight except for your doctor and maybe your immediate family, and that should be from a place of “you are not living your best life and i care about you.” i, an internet stranger, along with pretty much everyone you know, does not get to tell you about how terrible your life is and what a horrible person you are for existing, because you are not a bad person for being overweight. you do not deserve discrimination or mistreatment. even if you’re not actively trying to lose weight. it doesn’t matter. you are a human being like any other and i will fight like hell for you.

i’m not planning on going heavy into eating disorders because a) that’s a triggering topic for me and b) it’s going to muddle the point i’m getting, but since it is a large part of the arguments re. haes, it’s certainly going to come up, so i’d like to list the officially recognized eating disorders.

Anorexia Nervosa (AN)

Bulimia Nervosa (BN)

Binge Eating Disorder (BED)

Other Specified Feeding and Eating Disorder (OSFED)

Pica

Rumination Disorder

Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID)

Unspecified Feeding or Eating Disorder (UFED)

Other (aka “we are considering making this its own category but for matthew’s purposes it fits into AFRID or UFED well enough because the details aren’t important”)

so yeah. we’ll circle back to this.

section one: haes

haes initially stood for heatlh at every size. that doesn’t really matter anymore because people say healthy at every size now, however, the distinction is important. because.

okay. when i say being obese makes you inherently unhealthy, i am not saying you are having health problems for being overweight. i am saying you have a chronic illness. i have asthma. that makes me inherently unhealthy. i don’t necessarily have an health problems because i am asthmatic, but i have a chronic illness and it certainly would, say, make me more likely to die from covid. that is a fact. saying healthy at every lung functionality would not change that.

but you know, i can still be active and like smell plants and interact in the world like anyone else. i just try to keep my inhaler near by.

so similarly, if you are overweight/obese (i’ve been saying only obese because its less letters so i’m sticking with that), you can, like, live ur best life and take care of your health. you can feel good about your body and eat good food and move and again, i really don’t want anyone reading this to feel that i think everyone who’s obese needs to lose that weight because adults can do whatever they want.

what i’m angry about is that a good thing (encouraging people to make good choices no matter what so they can feel good in their bodies) got turned into a bad thing (telling people they don’t need to change what they’re doing because they’re perfectly healthy).

section two: but what about...?

see my third disclaimer. but as a fast rundown of things i probably won’t talk about in detail later:

the obesity paradox is a specific thing about a specific type of illness in the elderly. it’s also not about obesity, it’s about being slightly overweight. it’s a complicated thing, but it’s not true most of the time

sumo wrestlers have major health problems as soon as they stop exercising like crazy.

did you know there are countries where girls are force fed to become overweight? diet culture goes both ways

if you want to say healthy at every size, you have to mean that every. that means you are not allowed to say shit about underweight people. i’m sorry, is someone you care about wasting away? are they 5′10 and weigh 90 pounds and their hair is falling out because they aren’t eating? i’m sorry, you said people are healthy at every size. you can’t make fun of skinny people. you have to suck it up because you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

section three: self care

a hypothetical that is blindingly obvious to where i’m going: if a small child wants to play with a knife, are you caring for them by giving into it? what if they want to drink some vodka? what if they want to run away from home to live with a stranger in a white van?

i really really hope all those answers are “no, you’re neglecting that child, and also possibly actively harming it.”

so my point is pretty obvious: giving yourself something because you want it does not mean you are caring for yourself.

you know what i want to do all the time? sleep and rewatch twilight every day. but that makes me feel worse. so even though it’s terrible and i hate it, i have to take care of myself (because there is only one of me that i ever get) and go outside and talk to people and eat something that isn’t popcorn because you need protein to live.

(sorry i tried to keep nutrition out of that but i have to actively seek out sufficient salt and protein due to my campus doing a lot of low sodium food, which is bad when u actually need to eat a good amount of salt to keep ur body working, and also i’m vegetarian. so i’m constantly making myself seek it out.)

that doesn’t mean self care is always supposed to be work, but i mean. i’ve always not really gotten into it. i think because i’m hella depressed and i’ve been depressed long enough i can recognize it as this separate entity when it comes to a lot of the mental stuff. like, why do i feel like everything is meaningless? that’s just the depression.

but i digress, this isn’t about me. [proceeds to talk about me again]

one phrase i like a lot for myself is “bad food makes me feel bad.” now, i’m not a fan of putting moral judgements to food. but this works for me, personally. sure, eating a bunch of ice cream right now is good, but it’s going to suck when my stomach flips the fuck out because of all the sugar. and so it seems quite obvious to me that eating that ice cream is not, in fact, caring for my body.

and i think we’d collectively be a bit better served if we could learn to distinguish between self-care and self-kindness. ask anyone who does caregiving (childcare, nurses, etc): it is hard, often thankless (at least for children they’re devils who don’t realize that their toys will get wrecked if they don’t pick them up) work. you care for them not by doing what they want, but what is best for them.

section four: diet culture

as i’ve already played my hand up above with underweight vs haes, i think it’s kind of obvious that i have strong feelings about underweight not being healthy also. so i just want to take stock of what is and isn’t diet culture, and what i think about it. this is probably the most subjective part of this essay.

things i think are diet culture

people trying ridiculous diets. obviously diet culture in the purest sense. it’s real dumb. you need all the food groups to live. sometimes it’s okay, like cutting out sugar, but i’d say its a net negative

not trying to do lifestyle changes. that’s the sustainable way to lose weight. so. yeah.

weight cycling. actually still up for debate if this is bad. this paper says no, along with a lot of others, but i’m not sitting down and reading through all of them, and all of the ones that say its bad, to offer my opinion. i’m leaning towards “it’s better than nothing,” but we’ll see

a lot of other stuff i’m doing this off the top of my head and trying to avoid issues w eating disorders so.

things i think aren’t diet culture

women being pressured to look a certain way. that’s been going on for a long time. being skinny used to be bad. it’s a fact of the patriarchy.

most things? idk i have this impression that like, anyone exercising or eating healthy is a part of diet culture, when in reality, people just have different lifestyles. (also, again, if you’re going with haes, as in HealthyAES (hyaes?) you can’t call it unhealthy or you’re not respecting that damn E)

in conclusion: diet culture has issues, but the correct response to them is not “fuck you, i’m eating fourteen pounds of sugar.” eat fourteen pounds of sugar because you want to. (also it should be fat because if you really want to stick it to the man you should be eating fat, big sugar is responsible for a huge amount of todays dietary problems, both on the under/overweight side)

section five: discrimination

yeah no fuck people who discriminate about fat people. that’s all i’m just moving along to a transition since i was drifting away from my point about health.

section six: weight stigma

...is not responsible for your health issues. being obese is. accept the consequences of your lifestyle.

well. okay. that’s a little unfair. accept the consequences of not treating your chronic illness. and i feel i’ve probably lost people for calling obesity an illness but that’s the whole point of my post.

just like carrying externally heavy objects hurts your joints, so does carrying a lot of weight inside. fat does not cushion your organs, it kills them. getting rid of weight stigma will not make these issues go away.

the treatment for obesity is eating the number of calories you need to sustain a healthy weight at your current exercise levels. (*please consult with your doctor this is more complicated when you have to lose a lot of weight.)

section seven: cico. or, why your metabolism is fine

your body does not break the laws of thermodynamics. it cannot magically create more energy out of a given amount of calories.

there are issues with calorie counting, yes. i think it’s usually done in an unsustainable way that isn’t teaching people to make decisions, just to do math. it can be hard to get an accurate count.

but you are not a miracle of science. you have not discovered how to create and destroy energy. i’m sorry to be the one to break if to you.

if you don’t believe me, if you’re really sure your metabolism is different, go on and get it tested. tell your doctors. because it’s a major problem if it’s not working right.

similarly, i’m sorry, but if someone is the same height as you and a (very, like, +- 50 pounds) different weight, and neither of you have exisitng health conditions, you are not eating the same things/doing the same exercise. you have not broken the laws of physics.

possibly, one of you have untreated celiacs or something of the ilk meaning your body is actually malfunctioning. but if that’s true, i excluded you already, so shoo. get out of here and play in the sun with the other kids.

if you don’t believe this, there’s not much i can do to convince you. but i encourage you to count your calories for a month. find some tdee calculators. weigh yourself. make sure you count everything, it all goes down. check the math. (you can do any amount of time but a month is what you need for weight to be meaningful imo otherwise you’re just proving weight fluctuates a lot).

section eight: cico. or, why counting calories is not disordered eating

it can sure be a symptom of disordered eating, and it can certainly make disordered eating worse, but it isn’t an eating disorder.

also, assuming you’re not trying to verify the laws of thermodynamics, i don’t think counting every calorie is necessary. i have approximate values (500/meal, and around 300 in snacks), which i try not to go over or under.

yeah. i actually use calorie counting to make sure i’m eating enough in one sitting. some of my medication screws with my apetite and then i only eat like 300 calories and suddenly its like 11 and i need to go to bed but i’m hungry but eating before bed makes me feel terrible and it sucks.

but hey, according to some people, avoiding that is unhealthy.

okay i’m moving on before i get salty because the next section is touchy

section nine: eating disorders.

the three main eating disorders are listed way up there. they’re the first three. AN, BN, BED.

oh, yeah, binge eating? that’s actually disordered eating too. it’s not normal.

i’m not going to elaborate on the point because i absolutely know i can’t do it without getting really fucking angry that people call calorie counting disordered eating, like i haven’t watched a fifth grader eat one meal a day because she’s scared she’s overweight. like i haven’t watched a sixth grader cram food into his mouth until he’s sick because he’s worried he’s not bulky enough for sports. like i haven’t watched an eleventh grader tell me he hasn’t eaten anything since lunch yesterday, but it’s fine, he doesn’t want his mac and cheese anyway, since he needs to lose weight.

you think someone keeping track of some numbers is an eating disorder? then either you’re lucky enough to never have to deal with eating disorders on a personal level, and i’m very happy for you, or you have, and you should maybe reevaluate that.

alright i’m cutting myself off now whoop.

section ten: intuitive eating

you know, much like haes, i want to like this. it fits in with my bad-food-makes-me-feel-bad mentality. i’m angry and tired and hungry because i ate like, a late breakfast/early lunch and now i need to eat again because if i don’t eat every six to eight hours i have a medical condition that makes me feel like shit (an aside: unless you’ve been told by a doctor, you don’t need to eat every 2-3 hours. unless you’re a child or have an applicable medical condition, you can probably eat one meal a day and be firne.)

but much like haes, it now has a meaning i can’t in good consience endorse. i can’t stand for a movement that tells people who acknowledge weight makes their joints hurt that they just need to keep eating until they feel better.

section eleven: conclusion

i have a lot more thoughts but again i’m hungry. i meant to talk more about IE and my problems with it but maybe that will be its own post.

i won’t say i’m happy to talk about this because i can’t promise i am (see: eating disorder issues.), but i will most likely respond to constructive discussion if someone sees this and wants to. i can also provide sources. i hate going, “sources available on request” but i tried to provide some stuff for some of the heavily disputed/i already had a source for it and didn’t have to dig through google scholar to find information that’s been peer reviewed.

and i do sincerely wish everyone, at any size, that they fracture the disconnect between them and their bodies (oop didn’t talk about that either another time then) & that they find peace with who they are, and that they get to live happy & fulfilling lives.

#fatphobia #anti haes #obesity #health #haes #i don't know how to tag this lmao sorry if i have a bad tag #q #mine #txt #7th #February #2021 #February 7th 2021 #essay #long post

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