#and when we were almost home she said 'im going to lose it and cry today okay. its not bc youre trans'

[iikatsukii]

Too Late.

synopsis: they loved you when it was too late. 

pairings: sully family x daughter/sister!reader, neteyam x twin!reader, neytiri x daughter! Reader, jake x daughter!reader

warnings: mentions of death, attempted suicide, suicidal thoughts(?), swearing, familial issues. 

word count: 3.6k

a/n: would yall believe me if i said i wrote this while listening to pussy talk by city girls LMFAOOOOO p.s. Happy valentines day (THE RED TEXT IS "FESTIVE" im trynna get into the valentines day spirit :D). I wish i could've given yall part two of illicit love instead of this but i'm not done with it </3. ALMOST THO!!! (gif creds: @world-of-pandora)

(p.s. part two is out now!!)

it was never supposed to end like this. jake's mouth felt bitter. his whole body shook as he let out the most heart-stopping scream when his eyes landed on his eldest daughter. you, neteyam's twin, lay lifeless in his arms. your father cried because he never got to tell you he was proud of you, or that he loved you, or that you didn't need to compare to your brother to still be considered his baby girl. 

it wasn't always like this, though. 

you and neteyam were always happy and playing around together when you were younger. still, as you two grew older, neteyam took on olo'eyktan training and became his father's perfect warrior. where does that leave you? mo'at had chosen kiri to pursue tsahik training because of her apparent connection to eywa. so where does that leave you? lo'ak took on the role of the troublemaker, and tuk, of course, is just the baby of the family. so where does that leave you?

you're lo'ak's babysitter. making sure the boy doesn't get into trouble, but with your lack of training due to your father training your brother more than you, you weren't really the best babysitter. honestly, it was more lo'ak protecting than you protecting him. he kept you from losing balance while in high places, saved you when you fell into the rapids and flew you home when you forgot your way as if you had not lived in this forest your whole life. 

you felt like a burden on your family. 

nothing you ever did was right. 

you went hunting? cool, but you didn't bring back enough for the whole family, so now neteyam and lo'ak have to go out and find more food for everyone else. 

you bead a necklace for your friend? great, but you messed up the pattern she asked for, so she brought it to kiri so she could remake it.

tuk wanted to go play with you? of course! but now she has a sprained ankle from falling into the river while you were looking at flowers a few feet away.

and every time, somehow, some way, your family always managed to say something that felt like a blade stabbed through your heart.

"next time, y/n, just leave the hunting to neteyam and i. at least we know the right amount to bring back." it was lo'ak before he and your twin had to go hunting for more food for dinner a few weeks ago.

"you know, sister, your jewelry hasn't been the same recently. i've had sooo many of your friends coming back to me saying you messed up the pattern they asked for. just try and pay more attention when you're beading." kiri said as you walked into your home. she was re-beading the necklace you gave to your best friend yesterday. 

the one she told you was perfect and that she loved it.

"how could you leave your sister unattended like that y/n she could've been killed?! why can't you be like neteyam? you’re twins, for crying out loud, y/n. do you not care for your sister's well-being?" your father scolded you outside your grandmother's hut. you could hear her cries inside the tent, along with your mother's gentle words of comfort, as she tried to calm her youngest daughter down. 

you were being compared to your twin for the millionth time in your life, and as used to this as you should be, it still hurt just as bad as the first time your father had said it. 

"she only sprained her ankle. it was an accident sempu–" you tried to defend yourself, but you were cut off. 

"NO. it is, sir. do you understand me?" jake yelled at you. in your 18 years, your father had never raised his voice at you, let alone for you calling him 'sempu.' he used to love it when you called him because you were his ite and he was your sempu. but right now, to him, you were just someone who had hurt his child and nothing more than that. you hang your head, eyes falling to the floor in front of you as you didn't want your father to see you cry. 

"sorry, sir." was all you said before walking away. you don't know where you walked, but you found yourself at the abandoned shack. you knew this area was forbidden, so when you realized where you were, you immediately crouched. you were just gonna walk back because your father would kill you if he found out you were over here, but then you heard voices. you looked through the bush to see a group of 3 or 4 avatars. you knew you couldn't escape now, so you pressed on the collar of your neck.

"sempu– sorry. sir, i need help, i wasn't paying attention to where i was walking, and i can hear avatars speaking english and–" your father cut you off.

"where are you?" he, your mother, and your two brothers were patrolling around your land's territories when they heard you through their earpieces. 

you let out a heavy sigh, praying to eywa that he wouldn't chew your ass up for being here, before pressing the button again and saying, 

"i'm at the abandoned shac–AHH! OWW, LET GO, YOU ASSHOLE!!" you couldn't finish as one of the avatars found your hiding spot, grabbing you by your queue.

thankfully your family had heard enough. your twin telling his father he knew a shortcut, they all flew as fast as they could to you. honestly, this was their last straw. everyone was fed up with you constantly making things hard for everyone.

your mother, though, was worried. you were caught by those skydemons all by yourself. who knew what they would do to you?

as you waited for your family, you were roughly held by your queue as they poked and prodded at you like they had never seen a native before. 

"let me see your hands." the man with a buzzcut spoke. 

"why don't you look at my feet instead?" you said. they all gave you a confused look until you kicked quaritch right in his face. you don't know how, but it caused the avatar behind you to loosen his grip, so you tried to make a break for it.

unluckily for you, the female avatar grabbed your arm, pulling you back into her form. she gripped you by your neck, unaware that she had pressed the button on your communicator. you hissed at her. the man you had kicked was only laughing as he wiped the blood dripping from his nose. "she must be one of his. she's defiant. grab her hands, let me see." he said

the avatar behind you grabbed your hands, holding them both out. 

"hm… four fingers. maybe she's not one of his." were they gonna let you go? wishful thinking.

"fine. she may not be one of his but if one of their people go missing they're bound to come for her. keep her." his words made your heart sank. were they gonna take you? away from everything? your home? your family? if you could even call it that. 

but then you thought about it. you really can't call it that. you don't remember the last happy memory you had with someone, anyone, in your family. it clicked to you that it had been about 10 minutes since you had radioed your father, and he wasn't here yet. were they even coming for you? you knew it was a stupid question. they weren't coming for you. why would they when this was the easiest way to get rid of the weak link of the family? it's not like your blood would be on their hands, and their life would be way better without you.

"they're not gonna come for me. i have no family. you killed my family in the last war, you dickhead." you lied to the man you had kicked earlier. 

hearing you say this confused your family. what were you talking about?

"dammit you're an orphan? i didn't know the na'vi had any of those. then what do we do with her. she's useless. nobody will notice she's gone." the woman behind you asked her superior. 

"hmm.. i have a better idea. kill her. use her as a warning to the sullys. this is what we're capable of now. it'll be a threat. give us jake sully and nobody else will die. but this one… this one is our lab rat. we're gonna make you bleed out nice and slow little one." he said as he grabbed his pistol off his waist, pressing it below your jaw. the nickname made you internally gag, but you held your ground. 

these people had no real idea how tired you really were. you were exhausted. you were ready for life with eywa. you wanted your deity to hold you close, keep you warm, and protect you from the harsh real world. the world that your parents didn't adequately prepare you for. the world that you were ready to leave. 

"kill me," you said as you grabbed quaritch's wrist and moved his gun from under your jaw to right above your heart. "and make it quick. nobody will come for me anyways," you said in a monotone voice.

the avatars all looked at you in awe. they had never once seen a na'vi so willing to give up their life. the natives they had all met were vicious, hissing and armed, always ready to kill. but you. you were the opposite.

you were fed up and ready to die. but not for your people. for your own inner peace. 

"no," quaritch said, putting his gun down. that shocked everyone. like he shocked his soldiers and your family, who had been listening the whole time. they were trying to get to you as fast as possible.

hearing how you really felt was a wake-up call for your family. and when they heard bullets moving within the chamber of quaritch's pistol, they all flew their ikrans as fast as possible, weaving through trees and around mountains, trying to get to you.

you looked at the man like he had just betrayed you. 

"DO IT, YOU COWARD! FUCKING DO IT! NOBODY WILL COME FOR ME!! THEY DON'T CARE!! THEY DON'T FUCKING CARE!!" you don't know what came over you, but you tried to wrestle quaritch's pistol out of his hands. your family was only 2 clicks away and could hear you struggling. everyone landed at the same time. the sullys, excluding tuk and kiri, who had stayed with mo'at, caught quaritch's attention, which distracted him enough for you to pull the gun from his grip. 

you distanced yourself from everyone, and looking around, you realized you were surrounded by everyone. your family and these random avatar people. everyone could read you. you were a ticking time bomb and the only person in control of the trigger was you. one of the avatars took a step forward slowly, but you saw him move and point the gun at him. it didn't stop him from moving, but you heard screams of protest when you pointed the gun at your own head. that's when everyone froze. the avatars. your family. nature. time. eywa. you. everything was frozen.

"babygirl…" the nickname made you snap your neck to the man who was the root of your problems. 

"NO! no, you do not get to call me that. if i can't call you ma sempu, don't bother referring to me as your daughter." you said. your energy was depleted, and you knew you would only be able to stand here for a couple more minutes before you opened your own doors and walked to your great-mother. jake tried to take a step closer to you, which only caused you to tense up and pull on the trigger a little bit. everyone immediately backed up, your mother hissing at you through her tears. "MA ITE, PUT THE GUN DOWN," she screamed at you.

"sa'nok…" you whimpered, not even being able to look her in the eyes. 

"sa'nu… i can't" you sobbed. you could barely breathe and your tears were coming down in waterfalls at this point. you couldn't see anything clearly. your tears had blurred your vision. 

you knew your mom loved you. she and tuk were the only ones in the family who had never uttered a harsh word in your direction. though she was busy taking care of tuk, so it wasn't like you got much attention from them either. but there's no way you would blame her or tuk for that. if anything, you're sorry that you have to leave them, but this world isn't for you. you turned on your heels, looking at the man whose gun you took.

"you are a coward. you should've pulled the goddamn trigger. you're fucking pathetic. are you happy now? now everyone here gets to experience what they've waited so long for." nobody had ever heard you speak to anyone like that. honestly, they couldn't tell if your words were directed at quaritch or yourself. 

you inhaled, looking up at the eclipse, your bioluminescent freckles glowing brighter than they ever had in the nighttime as tears cascaded down your face. 

"goodbye," you said as you squeezed the trigger, hearing a loud bang and tons of screaming. you felt no pain, though. you opened your eyes, not realizing you had closed them, and looked around. you noticed your pistol was stuck in the tree in front of you with an arrow clean through it. you turned to your twin with hate in your eyes. he lowered his bow as he read your expression. 

"now you wanna save me?" your voice was weak but filled with venom. 

"why didn't you save me when you noticed i stopped hanging out with you guys? hm? why didn't you teach me when i was younger? huh? why didn't you talk to me other than when you were chewing my ass out for something that was A FUCKING ACCIDENT, GODAMMIT. WHY?!" you felt like your tears were endless. 

"WHY DIDN'T YOU LOVE ME?! ANSWER ME YOU FUCKERS!! WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?!" you screamed your frustrations at your father and brothers. none of them could look you in your eyes, save for your mother. "you only want to save me because you know how much i don't want to be saved anymore but it's too goddamn late," you said.

you turned to the female avatar who was holding you from before. you noticed her gun earlier and hoped you looked threatening enough for her to use it as you ran in her direction. she didn't know what to do. she didn't know you were a barely trained warrior or that you wouldn't have put a scratch on her. she didn't know you were harmless. all she knew was that you were a native, and the natives were hostile. 

so she pulled her gun out and fired two shots into your chest.

the momentum of the bullet was enough to stop you from running. you felt the searing pain start to blossom in your chest area. falling to your knees, your eyes met the woman who had shot you. you looked at her shirt, reading her name. it was a funny name to you, but you didn't care. she had fulfilled your wish without even knowing it. so you used your last breath to speak.

"thank you, z-dog" you slumped over on your side, as everything started to go slow. your vision was starting to darken, and you let it consume you, not wanting to fight for your life anymore. 

cue the screams and cries from your family and the fleeing steps of the rda soldiers. your chest stopped rising and falling, and your breathing had ceased. your family surrounded your body, trying to stop your bleeding and preserve the life that had already left your body. still, you had been shot twice, and both bullets had exit wounds. it was no use. nearby, na'vi had heard the screams of distress and had called over some hunters and scouts to investigate the scene since they knew the area was near the forbidden old shack.

the hunters and scouts arrived at the scene armed and ready to defend their people, but what they were met with was the last thing they expected to see. the eldest sully daughter was lying on the floor, motionless, with two bullet holes in her chest and her blood sinking into the forest floor. her family leaned over her body, screaming and crying for her to be okay and to return to them. they whispered how sorry they were. they whispered to her how if she came back, they would treat her right, teach her, hang out with her, and love her like they were supposed to. but it's too late.

nobody knew how to react. the eldest sully daughter had died, and nobody but her family knew what had happened. 

“ma ite, oel ngati kameie. i see you. i'm sorry, i'm so so sorry. you don't have to be your brother. being you was just fine." your father cried as he cradled your head. brushing your hair away from your face, getting blood on your cheek since his hands were covered in it. 

neteyam and lo'ak were each holding one of your hands. they cried as they watched their tears pool in your palm and then fall off the edge to drip into the soil below your body. they couldn't believe they treated you like anything less than their sister. they treated you like you were a stranger, a burden to deal with. and now that you were gone, they could not tell you how sorry they were for how they treated you.

neytiri was inconsolable. her firstborn daughter had just died in front of her eyes. willingly. she wanted this. her own daughter wanted to take her life. and she couldn't do anything to stop it. how could she not know? how did you go 18 years hurting in silence? how did she not know you needed to be saved? 

"ma ite. my baby. ma y/n." neytiri's heart shattered when she saw those bullets go through your chest. she cried over your body for what felt like hours, but it was only a few minutes until the male healers came so they could carry you to the healing tents to prepare you for your burial ritual. 

as jake pulled his mate from your body, she started to push against him trying to get him to let go of her so she could return to her daughter. 

eventually, jake lets go, unable to keep his mate from her child. he joined her and just asked the healers to give your family a minute with you. 

they just nodded in understanding, leaving your family to grieve. 

two pairs of footsteps rushed towards the clearing, where the family mourned one of their own. 

kiri and tuk had heard the news and came as fast as they could. tuk screamed, running up to you and curling herself into your chest as she sobbed into your neck. she didn't care if she was getting blood all over herself. you were her older sister, and she didn't even get to say goodbye. she felt nothing but sadness and loss. tuk felt terrible because the last time she had seen you was earlier when you brought her back from the stream because she had sprained your ankle. and now you were lying on the forest floor dead? how did this happen?

"HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?! SISTER, PLEASE!!" kiri begged you to wake up as she placed herself where her father was earlier. she rested your head in her lap, looking into your lifeless yellow eyes. you were her elder sister. as much as you didn't know, kiri looked up to you. she knew how hard you tried for the family, and though it wasn't your fault that you would mess up a necklace every once and a while, she couldn't help but feel guilty for the words she said to you in those moments. she knew she could've should've been nicer about it. 

when it was finally time for the healers to take your body, once again, neytiri tried to fight against them. this time everyone in the family had to hold her back as the healer walked you away in a leaf big enough to cover your entire body from the eyes of those around you. once you were gone from her view, neytiri fell to the floor again, sobbing into the ground, 

"GREAT MOTHER, WHY?!!" their mother's screams felt like a knife in their hearts. the sully family felt nothing but guilt and grief upon your death. nobody got closure because there is no closure for this kind of thing. they were the reason you wanted to die, and now that you got what you wanted, they had to live with that guilt. 

you were high in being held in eywa's embrace as you cried. looking down on your family. you did not regret your decision, but you just had one question for your deity. 

"did they really love me, great mother." eywa heaved a sigh before answering you. 

"my ite, your mother and youngest sister loved you everyday, they were just very poor at showing it i'm afraid." you nodded your head, asking a follow-up question, 

"what about the others?" you knew by her face that you wouldn't like the answer, but it was too late. the question was asked. and the answer is precisely the reason why you did what you did.

"they loved you just a little bit too late, my child."

#avatar x reader #avatar the way of water #avatar wotw #avatar 2 #avatar #sully family x reader #jake sully x daughter!reader #neytiri x daughter!reader #neteyam x twin!reader #sully family angst #jake sully angst #neteyam angst #this is an angsty story and im not sorry ab it :) #happy valentine's day #neytiri sully #best mom neytiri #i love her #neytiri be my mom pls

[dazed--xx]

🎮Arcade🎮

Summary: I've spent all of the love I saved. We were always a losing game, Small town Girl(boy) in a big arcade, I got addicted to a losing game. Oh,Oh.All I know, all I know……Loving you is a losing game

Member: Felix x Reader

T/W: Break Ups, arguments crying, heartbreak, ANGST…, swearing, yelling, sad ending, Bet Au!, depressing thoughts, lack of communication, childish behavior, Avoiding S/O, mentions of sex, bullying, denial

Word Count: 2.1K

A broken heart is all that's left. I'm still fixing all the cracks. Lost a couple of pieces when I carried it, carried it, carried it home….I'm afraid of all I am; My mind feels like a foreign land. Silence ringing inside my head; Please, carry me, carry me, carry me home

The smell of coffee filled the air as you sat quietly in the cafe, waiting for your boyfriend with his friends. You listened as they teased each other back and forth as you pulled out your phone sending a quick text to Felix.

Hey, when are you getting here?

You place your phone on the table as a redheaded girl, whom you believe was your boyfriend’s friend Changbin’s girlfriend. Your eyes widen as she begins to take selfies on your phone as she speaks “You're so quiet, Do you talk at all?” She asks as you reach for your phone. “Y-yeah…can I have my phone back?” you ask nervously, the girl ignores you as you look at her in disbelief. “So…” She trails giving the brunette girl beside her a mischievous smirk “You and Felix have been dating for a while right?”

You nod, “Yeah? Almost a year.” your voice is shy and hesitant. Why is she asking? You thought to yourself. “Is he, you know…..as good as the rumors say?” the brunette girl asks with a glint in her eye you couldn't place. You furrow your eyebrows in confusion “What do you mean??” you ask innocently. The redhead snorts as she looks away from you covering her mouth as the brunette smacks her friend's arm playfully. “Is he like, good in bed?” The brunette asks suggestively, being sure to keep her voice lowered. You shake your head panickedly. “We-Weve never—I never—Im a…” you stammer nervously.

The two girls look at each other and begin to laugh hysterically; clutching each other's hands they continue to laugh and laugh. An overwhelming sense of embarrassment fills your gut. Why are they laughing? Was it embarrassing to still be a virgin at your age? “Felix is so losing this, I don't know why he was so confident” The redhead snickers to her friend. Losing? “Losing what?” you ask innocently. The girls' laughing stops, their eyebrows scrunch together in confusion. “What do you mean?” She asks with a confused pout. You look at her bewildered. “What do you mean? What is Felix going to lose?”

“The bet of course?” The redhead states matter-of-factly. You laugh awkwardly as you scratch the nape of your neck. “What are you talking about? What bet?” your voice is just above a whisper as the brunette girl sighs “Felix made a bet with the guys that he could get you to go out with him and give him your virginity within a year” There was a hint of amusement in her tons as she spoke. You felt your heart shatter in your chest as you felt tears build in your eyes.

“T-That's not funny…”

“Who said I was joking?” The brunette responds harshly “Be in denial about it all you want but, once your delusion clears up you'll actually notice all the signs. Why else would Felix talk to someone like you? Let alone date them?” She crosses her arms over her chest “Don't feel bad about it, just make him lose the bet at one year then he'll dump you and you'll never have to talk to him again….and you can say you dated someone WAY out of your league so,” the redhead chimes coldly. You sat frozen in your seat for a moment as the redhead handed you back your phone. The two girls give you mischievous smirks as you lift yourself from your seat. You feel your phone buzz with a message from Felix.

So clingy😒…Ill be there soon

Your heart sinks into your stomach; not wanting to see him any longer you walk out of the cafe with your phone in one hand and bag in the other. Your mind raced as you rushed out of the door. Everything you thought you had known about your relationship was a lie.

I've spent all of the love I've saved, We were always a losing game. Small-town girl (boy) in a big arcade I got addicted to a losing game……

It had been three weeks since that painful day in the cafe. Your heart had yet to recover. Felix had reached out a few times, completely and utterly confused by your grand disappearing act. The night you had learned the truth about your relationship with Felix. Puzzle pieces began to come together. You had never understood why Felix had treated you so differently than he did with his friends. While you were falling in love with Felix, he was counting down the days until his little game was over. You felt disgusting and nauseous knowing that not only were you used as a pawn in some sexist game but you weren't even seen as a person with feelings when it came to those who made the bet. The longer Felix pretended to love you the more anger boiled in your gut.

You had fled back home to Gimhae; deciding to take a few weeks to yourself to figure things out. As the time ticked on you felt more and more irritated as you found yourself doing exactly what the two girls who so rudely exposed the truth wanted. Your leg shook in frustration as you felt yourself growing more and more angry.

Angry at those two girls….

Angry at Felix…..

Angry at yourself….

How could you not be? It was obvious like the girls said. Every time you held his hand, he'd allow his to sit loosely in yours. His kisses were always hesitant and seemed forced. His smile never fully reached his eyes when you were alone.

How could you have been so stupid?

Felix stared at his phone with furrowed eyebrows as his friends Jisung and Minho played video games. His leg was shaking as he hoped to see the messages he'd sent you go from delivered to seen. He was so confused when he walked into the cafe 3 weeks ago and you were nowhere to be seen. He'd asked Changbin’s and Hyunjin’s girlfriends of your whereabouts but they shrugged him off explaining you said something came up and then left. He hasn't heard from you since. He knew you were still physically okay from your posts on social media but, he hadn't heard your voice or seen you for weeks.

Felix felt drained, wishing you'd breathe life into him as you once did. He didn't know what caused you to suddenly go AWOL but for some reason, he felt anxious. Why weren't you responding to him? Felix nibbled on his bottom lip in frustration as he lifted himself from the couch, walking into his bedroom he pressed the call button on the top right of the chat. His heart races as he hears the call trying to connect.

One ring… Felix paces around his room nervously as two, three, and four rings go by. He groans as he ends the call losing hope of you answering.

Why weren't you talking to him?

Do you love me, or love me not? Peeling pieces from my heart And my rose-colored lens is gone Still I carry, I carry, I carry on

When you chose to return home you found yourself feeling lighter. While you've chosen to accept the truth, you also chose not to contact Felix right away. You had spent a little over a month in Gimhae, missing major lessons in your chosen field of study. Opting to prioritize catching up academically; once you arrived back in Seoul you quickly dropped off your bags and made your way to SNU for your 10 am lecture. What you hadn't anticipated was Felix showing up to his lecture for the first time in a while.

You quickly tried to avoid his gaze as you passed him on the quad. Your heart raced as you power-walked toward your building entrance. You were no more than two long strides from freedom when you felt a hand wrap around your wrist. “Y/N…” that familiar deep voice called “Where have you been?” Felix asked confusion lacing his tone. You pull your arm from his grip “I went to see my parents” you state offhandedly looking away from him. “You randomly disappeared for a month, because you wanted to see your parents? Without saying anything to me about it or contacting me during that whole time?” He grits trying to contain his anger.

“Yeah, so?”

Felix scoffs “So?! You're fucking kidding me right?” his eyebrows are scrunched together as he contorts his face into a scowl. His arms cross over his chest; you give him a bored expression. “No? I don't really see the problem” you run your fingers through your hair as you shift on your feet. “Don't act like an oblivious idiot, Y/N. Why wouldn't disappearing on your boyfriend for a month be a problem?” Felix growls and you scoff in return “Don't act like you're really my boyfriend, Lee Yongbok” Your tone is full of venom.

Felix gives you a look of confusion and bewilderment. “The fuck is that supposed to mean?!” He exclaims as he clenches his fists at his sides. You shake your head “Nothing. Forget it.” you grit turning to walk toward the door. Felix holds you in place by your wrist as he steps in front of you. “No, you seem like you have a lot to say all of a sudden. Like you're not wrong for at least answering one of my calls!”

“Stop pretending to give a shit! I know! I know about your disgusting bet! I know about how you need to sleep with me before a year is up! I know that this is a game for you! So just stop!” you snap.

I don't need your games, game over; Get me off this roller-coaster…..Ooh, ooh…..All I know, all I know…..

Felix felt all the blood drain from his face. His heart stopped as your words rang through his ears. No…No…That can't be true….please, don't let this be true.. Felix thought. His blood ran cold and it felt like someone poured a bucket of cold water over his head. “Y-Y/N, L-Let me explain….” He states, his voice almost inaudible he takes a step toward you. His heart cracks when you take a step back and look away from him. “N-No….Please, you weren't supposed to ever know about this. Please let me explain” He pleads.

You shake your head “Honestly, I don't care about an explanation from you. Nothing you say would matter to me at this point.”

Felix feels his resolve crumble at those words “Y-You don't mean that…” He states in disbelief “Y-you love me…you can't possibly mean that.” you scoff at his words “You really think I'm stupid enough to still love you after finding out the disgusting reason you asked me out in the first place?” Tears fill Felix's eyes as he stares at you with a pleasing expression. “It's not like that….please I-I know you still love me. I can make this right, I-I can fix this….” he caresses your cheek as he stares into your eyes. You look at him in disbelief “You can't ‘fix’ this. It's broken and done with.”

A devastating cry is released from Felix’s throat “Y/N….i-it can't be, please. I-I just need one chance, I love you I'm sorry; I shouldn't—I shouldn't have made the bet…but, it's how we got together s-so, please I-if you can overlook this one mistake…” he looks at you with hopeful eyes and you return his gaze with a glare. Some nerve…you think to yourself. “What? You want to keep playing this fucking game with me? I don't want to ‘overlook this one mistake’ because it's not a fucking mistake. You manipulative, gaslighting fuck. You have your head shoved so far up your own ass you don't hear how stupid you sound. I'm breaking up with you. The game’s over, I won't continue to lose because I love you. I'm done being your fucking puppet.” you growl before you walk around him, bumping into him with your shoulder as you pass him. Opening the door you enter the building heading to your lecture.

Felix stood there, tears streaming down his cheeks as you walked away. His chest clenched tightly as he cried to himself wishing to turn back time and never make that stupid ass bet.

Loving you is a losing game

⏪|⏸️|🔄

Taglist: @yangbbokari @havenwithleeknow

#skz angst #stray kids angst #stray kids fluff #stray kids smut #stray kids felix smut #lee felix smut #lee felix fluff #lee felix x reader #lee felix #stray kids felix #felix angst #felix fluff #felix x reader #skz imagines #skz felix #skz heartbreak playlist #stray kids heartbreak #Spotify

[moon-goddess-posts]

505

ANGST!! but dw it’s fluff at the end, arguments, alcohol use

sorry guys i was gonna post smut but during class i was listening to sad songs soooooooo BUT i swear smut will be posted either tomorrow or saturday!!

You and Rhea have gotten into more arguments than usual. It was hard to pin point why but every time, it always seemed to be your fault. Seeing rheas irritated face made you heart sink and crumble little by little.

“Why can’t you understand i have a career to live, i can’t abandon that. it’s important to me” Rhea scolded you

“i do understand im sorry” voice barely over a whisper

“how many times have i told you to give me my space ? this is exactly what i was afraid of with relationships.” Rhea got more upset by the minute and you felt tears start to flow like a faucet now broken. You couldn’t contain it but she wasn’t having it

“Why are you so fucking clingy? now look at you crying” you were getting tired of this, you mustered up the courage and dispose of the lump in your throat to fight back

“what did you expect!” you rose your voice, breaking from the tears that you failed to hold down.

“If you were so scared of someone becoming attached to you, we didn’t have to do this. We didn’t have to be in a relationship” Rhea became quiet. you wiped your eyes and started to put your shoes on.

“where are you going?” Rhea spoke.

“to give you your space, and so you don’t have to see my tears that you hate so much” You were almost out the door, but rhea grabbed your wrist trying to stop you.

“what do you want? you’ve made it very clear you don’t want me here right now. And i can’t deal with this either.” you couldn’t face Rhea

“I..” She didn’t know what to say, so you shook off her grip on you and left. Rhea was now alone, forced to think on what she had just said and did.

As you drove off, you fell into a deep sadness wondering why you couldn’t be perfect for Rhea. Why you always seemed to make her more aggravated than anything else. Maybe it was a personality clash, that it just wasn’t meant to be. It hurt so much when Rhea was gone for weeks on end for her job. You’d see her on the TV, smiling and yet that was the only time you’d ever seen her content. Rhea wouldn’t text you days on end and wouldn’t respond when you texted her checking to see if she was ok.

“Why are we even still together?” you thought, it felt like it was only a matter of time before either of you asked to break up. You turned up the radio, crying again.

Meanwhile Rhea was contemplating everything she has said to you. She didn’t understand why she always got so angry at you. You didn’t deserve that and she thought for sure you would break up with her after this. But she wanted to be better for you because she really did love you, more than she let on. Part of her wanted the freedom of being single, but being alone like this reminded Rhea of the cost of losing someone for her own wants.

The truth is, Rhea didn’t know how she could live without you. Her career was important but not more important than you. Yet she treated you like she was second best because her own life is so demanding. You were understanding as much as you could be, all you asked was just more time with your girlfriend. Guilt seeped into Rheas skin, overcoming her. Rhea thought about trying to find you but she had already done enough damage and decided to give you your space.

You weren’t sure where you were driving to, all you knew is that you couldn’t be there for now. Not when you had made Rhea so angry yet again. You thought about all the times she would hold you in her arms, kiss you everywhere, and being together didn’t have to get so complicated. You saw a bar come up and you thought it would be a bad idea to drink while you were responsible for driving back home. However, if alcohol could stop making you feel like this then maybe a little bit wouldn’t hurt.

Parking your car, you approached the bar. The atmosphere seemed calm enough so you sat down and asked for just anything that was strong. One drink became a few and a few became a lot.

“I’m sorry…im sorry” you said drunkingly through tears.

“I just want my rhea” you pulled out your phone struggling to type. You managed to say how sorry you were and how much you missed your girlfriend. All you wanted was for everything to be ok. Rhea responded asking where you were and saw that she was calling.

“hiiiiii rhea…” you were slurring your words and hiccuping which gave a clear indicator you were drinking

“Are you drunk right now?”

“Nope!” you said giggling. Rhea sighed knowing this was her fault.

“Send me your location”

“i. don’t. want to!” you thought you were fine and ok enough to drive.

“Please? we can talk this out, i’m sorry for everything. I don’t want you to drive while your drunk” You started to cry again.

“I just want us to be ok, we’ve been arguing so much. I’m sorry i’ve been so difficult for you” you weeped and weeped. On the other side of the phone, Rhea was getting her jacket on to look for you.

“You aren’t difficult, i’m sorry. Please let me come get you”

“…Okkk” sniffling you sent rhea your location.

“Stay on the phone, and no more drinking ok?” you hummed letting your head down on the table

Rhea felt horrible, but it doesn’t matter now. all that matters is knowing you’re safe and getting you home. The location you had sent was about 15 minutes away from the apartment. From there Rhea saw you sitting at the bar, tears dried and head on the table. You looked half asleep.

“Hey love, let’s go home ok?” She assisted you and you let her pick you up.

“Rhea…please don’t be mad”

“Of course i’m not mad, i’m sorry i need to be more understanding. But we’ll talk later ok?” you wobbled to the car into the passengers seat with Rheas help.

“Here, drink some water first” She held your face and assisted you with holding the water bottle. You fell asleep right after. Once you guys got home rhea picked you up and placed you on the bed. She gave a kiss on your forehead and walked away as she was unsure if you wanted her with you. You woke up and held on to your girlfriend.

“Please stay with me. don’t leave me please” you pleaded softly, rhea turned around and smiled

“of course i’ll stay with you angel. I’ll always be here, i’m not going anywhere ok?” you nodded and let Rhea get into bed while she held you tightly. You looked up at Rhea to see a tear roll down her face.

“i’m so sorry” she whispered, you kissed the tear away and embraced her.

“i forgive you, i love you” you were only a bit sober so it was hard to comprehend what you were saying but rhea understood. You both held onto each other, slowly falling asleep.

-end

#rhea ripley #rhea ripley fanfic #rhea ripley fluff #rhea ripley x reader #rhea ripley smut #wwe rhea ripley #wwe #mami rhea

[forestshadow-wolf]

I.S.B.T.P.K.F.T.S moments (chapter 4- Part 1)

Fic link written by @tavtarnish. Please go check it out. It is fantastic!

if anyone was invested in this at all, I sincerely apologize for not updating this for so long, I don't really have a reason other than I just got lazy. anyway- ONWARDS!!!

chapter 3 || Chapter 5

The opening of the chapter

The way it definitely implied that soap has undoubtedly been at it for a while. Long enough to settle into a routine. It also shows his frustration really well. The strength that he's hitting, and they way his mind still continues to wonder

Remembering hearing his mother call him angrily from the house

I feel like this is such a core memory for me. Also idk if anyone else had the experience where their parents kicked them out of the house during the summer and then got mad when they didn't make it back in time for dinner. Like I'm sorry?? All you said was go outside, and didn't give me a time to be back? Kinda got off topic here, the point was: core memory unlocked

Little john trying not to make the punishment worse by being gentle with the the door and stuff

I honestly have nothing to say at this point, it's just super relatable to me

Idk if ive said this before but his sisters' names

I just think they're lovely

They way he feels guilt even as a child for not being there to redirect or avoid completely his mother's anger

This makes me so sad :( bb it's not ur fault

The casset that he and his sister were fighting about just days earlier as an apology!!!!!

This is exactly how it is to have siblings, like you'll be at eachother's throats and then something happens and then it's like it never happened. Also never once has a verbal apology been as affective as an action

Also being able to feel the anger flowing off his mother... like that's when you know you're in some deep shit

The whole come home by the time the street lights come on

Is accurate. Relatable. Especially getting back late because fo the changing season...

The disappointment in his mother's voice

That one hurted just a lil bit bc disappointment is always just that much worse than anger isn't it??

And he understands her frustration

That just makes it all the worse, right? I mean he just wanted some more time to have fun with his friends, but that left his mother swamped with everything else. It's really a lose lose situation :/

Not bringing up his father "after the last time"

Knowing when to pick his battles. But also what happened last time?? I can only assume lots of yelling and crying and and just :(

The following quiet

And it's like nobody except you can feel the tension still in the air, and it's like the smallest thing could set everything off again

Im ignoring something for right now I will circle back to it in a moment. But lemme just say his father?

I'm not liking the vibes I get from him... there I said it. I don't like him

His mother brushing over his hair and the back of his head

Look I know I've been making it seem like I think mary is a bad mom, but she really isn't. She's just overworked and doing her best. And john understands that but he also needs to be able to be a kid. And mary needs help around the house bc there is too much to do and only one of her

Ok back to the thing I ignored. The way he wishes for her to just get angry

I think maybe it's bc when people are angry it's easy to deal with, either you argue back, stay quiet, or say/do whay they want you to right? But with the disappointment it's almost the same response just with no visable reason for it. It's harder to deal with because we as people are not taught how to fix it other than to "do better next time" but how does that fix what happened now?

I also want to pint out the bolded part

Bc like the yelling is so much easier to deal with than the calm voice. Maybe it's bc you can still feel the pent up tenson that might have normally been released with the yelling

Also he wonders if it makes him a bad son

And I think, maybe normally people don't wish for that, but it doesn't make him a bad son. Like I understand so completely how he feels, and it's so real that it's devastating. And it doesn't make him a bad son. And I know that because maybe for him it's just easier for him to deal with physical problems than it is for him to deal with whatever this is.

And then the last line of the flashback

God!! I just know he was beating himself up after that. I do. I just know. And it's the perfect segue back into the present moment.

Getting so lost hin his head that he forgets he's even really doing anything

I guess forget isn't really the right word. Like he knew enough to keep doing it, but kinda just tuned everything else out.

The way it all just bubbles up

The lights just too loud, the air hot and heavy with anger and frustration. And he's still aped up despite all the energy he spent. And he tried, he really does try to keep himself composed. But the irritation makes his bones buzz, and he just needs to do something, anything to get it out. And he's so worked up that he doesn't even realize he split his knuckles until he looked at them.

And then it keeps building

It's too much, all of it. The steaming anger, the loudness of the lights, the way his hair remains untamed despite his efforts

Focusing on his hair again, idc what anyone says, his hair is actually such an important part of him. So his hair getting in the way, in his face, even after he tries to rake it out of the way... maybe kinda like how he's having trouble with his emotional regulation? It's kinda like his emotions are clouding his rational thinking, which is a perfect lead to my next point.

Where it all finally boils over

He shouldn't, he knows he shouldn't. But the useless buzzing is still in his bones and flowing through his veins. And he just has to do something or he might just brun from the inside out.

And then the immediate regret

"If it isn't the consequences of my own actions" for real though this is actually an important part. Because sometimes even if it's a personal issue you have to choose the lesser of two evils, even if you don't know you even have options. Also I think the is very much foreshadowing what will happen if he doesn't properly acknowledge the problem, and also shows what it is doing to him in a physical manifestation.

Also perhaps symbolism of not actually vomiting... because ya boy is emotional constipated

Ok im gonna end this here for now, because if this sits im my drafts any longer it'll never get posted. Also sorry if this isn't as indepth as the other parts, I'm doing all of this on my phone.

#el rambles #el over analyzes #I.S.B.T.P.K.F.T.S #john soap mactavish #call of duty #cod #cod mw2 #ghostsoap #soapghost

[royalwriteroftheuniverse]

Forgot - but then Steve Remembers

Steve FLUFF a tiny bit of angst but thats from steve part 1 here

Rebloogs and comments welcome do not repost or publish anywhere just a bunch of fluff tiny bit of angst sahing18+ just incase

I included number 89 from @time-for-a-lullaby repost of @youngdumbbrokehijabi-deactivate

In the quinn jet

"Nat please tell me that's the wrong date."

"Ok thats the wrong date."

"Why?"

"Shit."

"Language."

"That's still not going away,"he sighed. "But really is that the wrong date?"

"No. Why had a date?"

"Actually yea."

The entire quinnjet had come to a standstill.

"It was her birthday the day after we left. I thought- I can't  believe I mixed up the days. What do I do?"

"Grovel." Nat went back to piloting.

"Say you sent her flowers and there a mix up."Tony shrugged

Steve looked Tony dead in the eyes with ire.  "Tony I'm not going to lie to her. Plus she basically always knows when I'm lying."

"Did you tell her you were leaving?  It was last minute." Nat tries to counter act Tony

"Yea but I didnt say it was a last minute mission just that id be on radio silence until I get back in like a week.

"You coud at least tell her you're comming back now." Nat offered.

"On the QJ be home soon. Can I come see you?"

Almost as quick as he sent the text he got a reply.

"You never have to ask. Are you ok? Any injuries?"

"No not even a paper cut."

Steve sat back in his seat "I really like this girl Tony. She's  the best thing to ever happen to me in a long time. I don't want to lose her."

"Like Nat said. Grovel"

It was late when they got back but Steve didn't want to wait any longer. He had disapointed you enough.

But you were awake and waiting when he used the key you had given him to come in. You threw your hands around his neck and gave him a kiss.

"You promise you're not hurt." You looked to see if there was any blood coming through on his shirt.

"I promise. How are you?"

"Good" you gave a small smile.he studied your face but you had already cried the tears and this far off there was nothing left and the continual dissapointment was just stored away there until next year when you'd hope a little less. You tried to lead him to the couch but he wasn't budging.

"Im sorry I missee your birthday."

"It's  ok" you shrugged. Ok all the tears weren't gone. Don't cry!  So you changed the subject.

"Tell me about the mission. What'd you on the mission."

"What'd you do on your birthday?"

"Nothing just another Friday. So-"

"You friends didn't do anything."

"No  they usually forget or are busy. I'm used to it."

Steve's heart sank and then he also felt bad at the parties Tony threw for him. He hated them but you hadn't even had a small fracture of that. At his party there were so many people he brought you as no one would notice another girl as he didn't want to thrust you into the spotlight but when he told you he hated when Tony went all out like this he didn't realize how much pain was behind your words of "Hey it could be worse they could forget your birthday entirely."

And how much it had to sting when he said the words "I wish." He wish he could've seen the pain behind your eyes that you are doing a very good job of hiding right now. But he still see a glimmer of a tear an extra drop of wetness that will refuse your eyes to get dry.

"Tell me about the mission" you asked again with some forced enthusiasm

"I really am sorry I-I should've made sure you got flowers or.  I messed up I know I thought. I had the days wrong but not your birthday I know what day that is I just didn't realize what day it was when I left and-"

"Hey Steve its ok. I get it your job travels. Besides you saved the world what twice now? Three times. It's only a day. And you're here now."

You were so sincere his heart dropped. It was like like he forgot to pick up crackers at the store…ridiculously understanding. How had you gotten to that where it was nothing to you?

You were sleeping while he was wide awake. Not only did he forget your birthday but so did everyone. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair. You were always one to send the first text or call to always be there always asking him do you think so and so would like this maybe I should get it for so and so , but they weren't there for you. What was even worse was that you seemed to expect it. Maybe that’s why, you didn’t want them to feel the same? Or even worse you thought they’d forget you if you didn't do things. He felt helpless, he was helpless because it was something he didn't prevent from happening that he could've; Sure he wasn't saving THE world. But he would've saved yours. And to him that was the same thing.

He swore to make it up to you let you know you were loved by at least him not thrown aside or forgotten - somehow.

-------

Steve's text to tony:

Tony promise me this'll work.

Tony:It will she'll love it.

------------

"And we'll a- Shit I gotta grab something from the tower then well go get dinner. Sound good?"

"Yea babe."

"You wanna come in-the others are gone on a mission they wont bother us.”

"Ok”

Steve took the private avenger entrence and elevator.

"You know I was thinking about introducing you." Steve hope that covered any nervousness that was showing.

"Really?" You were confused.

"Calm down if you're  that excited I won't wouldn't want you to fangirl."

"Sorry I just you said you didnt want to before to keep me safe so."

"Well I was thinking maybe its time we can work on your safety Nat can teach you some self defense."

"You taught me."

"I know."

They reached the floor. He saw the odd  taken back look when you saw the darkness."

"I always have my floor's lights off when I gone."  He walked out of the elevator.

"You have your own floor? Steven you never told me that!"

He smirked at your use of his full first name.

"Steve come back here! A whole floor! “You followed him into the complete darkness until Steve said:

"Hey Friday" Steve said with a smirk.

"Surpise  Happy birthday" everyone yelled with smiles  and the lights tured on all at once. You had jumpd back so much and so hard that you almost fell no scratch that you fell Steve ran back in time to stop you from hitting your head.

"Www" was the only thing you could get out. With your mouth dropping. You looked around

"I think we broke her." Tony snarkrd

"Its all for you sweetheart." Steve wispered sweetly.

"Once we know you were the reason Steve has been so happy the last few months and that he missed your birthday well we couldn't  just not do anything." Nat smiled.

"Plus you do charity I mean you're way out of Cap's league." Tony shrugged

"Tony" Pepper hissed.

"What you're  out of my league too honey." Tony said to Pepper.

"Steve I- thank you all so much you  this really did you really didnt have to do this."

"You should have seen him on the way home when he realized the date and how he screwed up. He wanted to do omething nice for you and so did we. Besides we are going to be good friends now. I'm going to teach you how to take down the brute if he gets to handsy. Or doesn't get handsy enough.” Nat winked and the room laughed.

There was a banner and a whole stack of presents food and a cake.

He introduced you to everyone and Friday put music on.

You were having a conversation with one of the lab techs the team is close with when Steve came up behind you wrapping his arms around your waist.

"Mind if I borrow my little spark plug here."

You giggled at the pet name that Tony had actually came up with once you could talk again as you were just plain giddy, a mile a minute . Steve had a the giant smile on his face as he brought you onto the balcony.

"You enjoying yourself?" He moved a peice of hair away from your face and tcxked it behin your ear. Wheich was mere mm away from your giant smile.

"Yea I've never had a surprise party or a party in years. Thank you Steve I mean it."  You felt a kiss would be so disingenuous because it wasn't that he was doing this because he had to as your boyfriend  it's because he wanted to. You know if he didn't want to he wouldn't have gone  to all that trouble, this trouble and a kiss just didn't add upp- it didnt mean enough.

"I love you so much you didn't have to do this-"

"But I wanted to. Your smile makes it worth it "

"I know and that's why I love you you didnt just move on and forget"

"I love you. I didnt know your friends were that horrible. You just you deserve better. And loving you I just I figured you need new friends," Steve leaned in-

"Plus Tony gives the best presents."

"Steve, this party is enough of a present."

"You forgive me for missing your birthday?"

"Steve I told you."

"I know. And I know you were disappointed, you had to, how could you not be."

"Steve I cant blame you for having to work on my birthday. Although I can blame you for not even remembering the day beofre that the next day was my birthday."

"Am I forgiven."

"Of course but just this time."

He pulled you close

"Thank God because love you so much I don't know what  I'd  do without you."

Then he pulled you in for a kiss.

Later that night....

You had stayed at the tower you were too tired, too full and just wanted to never leave the warm and inviting place.

"I have another present for you"

"Steve"

"Go on open"

"You didn't have to"

"Just open it please."

You gasped in awe, it was drawing and sketches and water colors and one really pad canvas painting.

"Ignore my Picasso i can't  paint" he forgot

To take that one out and he did now throwing it on the ground, you made a mental note to get that one to keep. Then you saw subject of the drawings.

"Steve babe this is amazing. This is so beautiful. Is this entire thing-"

"Yep all you my beautiful precious love. He grabbed your hand and brought it to his lips

"You bring me more light than anyone could imagine"

Lost in his eyes his sincerity was not one that could be faked by meryl streep or cloony or anyone it was a look of pure adoration, pure love.  You went to hand him back the sketch book.

He shook his head "No, this is for you. For you of you-"

"But you" you finished his sentance.

"Theres a drawing class free to the public this weekend with -"

"Moma?" Your eyes lit up. Youve been trying to get him to go for that for a while. You had wanted to go as well but were too nervous about being alone plus you wanted him to give you tips.

"What do you yu say we go this weekend?"

You nodded excitedly and pulled him in for a hug. He eyed you up and down taking in your happiness, at a simple free thing and that, that made you rival or beat Venus' statue herself.

"If I know youd be this happy would've said yes when you first asked."

"I love you Steve. I love you so much."

I love you."

He pulled you in for a breathtaking kiss

I originally wasnt going to say anything. But i did this so people understand its not them its thier idiot friends.

but I'm a fall baby and my friends dont always rembember my birthday so the first one was kinda cathartic typing it out but I know theres others who related and thats why I published it cause ur not alone when that happens I kinda wanted to make them see that its not u that needs ro change its ur friends and idiot superhero boyfriend but i mean how many concussions has he had at this point so...

Tag list

@nana1000night @sapphire-rogers @sparklybarbarianninja @hawkeyes-queen

#avengers #steve rogers #ransom drysdale #chris evans x plus size reader #steve rogers fanfiction #ari levinson imagine #ari levinson x female reader #chris evans #chris evans characters #chris evans comfort #natasha romanov #tony stark #steve rodgers x reader #steve rodgers fluff #steve rogers x y/n #johnny storm x y/n #johnny storm x you #colin shea #nomad steve #ransom drysdale x plus size reader #soft ransom #steve rogers au #steve rogers drabble #steve rogers x bucky barnes #steve rogers fluff #steve rogers imagine #steve rogers one shot #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x female reader #steve rogers x you

[joelredden]

For the past year and a half living in complete love with someone who has passed away. I now understand why nanny would say the things she did about being alone after losing pawpaw. I wondered for the better part of my life why she would'nt move on because this world is such a dismal place without love. Now, having lost my girlfriend Alyvia, who was and is still my muse of an absolutely beautiful true bestfriend from the moment we met till probably forever. Nomatter where how or when I wake up everyday longing for her, (if i can even manage to sleep) I now understand why nanny had bad sleep for such an old person, lol. After hearing this news, Im grateful i know my grandmas heart very well, after countless sleepovers falling asleep to fresh prince on the airmatresses and waking up to CMT music videos every morning to get me pumped up for a great day at school! I fell in love with music because of Nanny as well as love haha which i can say proudly she created the most hopeless romantic the world has seen. Im so grateful for the countless drives we all had together mostly maymay kayla cody and I really haha. Im so glad i got to cry to her last summer after Alyvia died. I sold my car to just fly in without notice and all I could do was cry no matter what state or city I found myself lost in looking for home because the only place i felt truly ever home was with Lyv. Nothing was helping heal this pain drowning me and in all honesty i came to Florida to tell everyone i loved them and give one last goodbye because this heartbreak is literally killing me. I remember when i was much younger nanny would go out on the porch at night and look at the stars and show me which one was pawpaw, because he was always the first star to come out at night and ever since then i always see pawpaw when i look at the stars. And shed always just say i just miss pawpaw here and there and i didnt get it then but wow. I can barely get a sentence out without it having something to do with Alyvia.

If i know my grandma like i think i do, the day her spirit left the body we know she'd been waiting for that moment in awe since the day pawpaw passed away. Love has now been refurbished and thats such a very beautful thing.

I think i kissed nannys forehead before i ran off that porch last time haha and im so happy i did.

I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your friends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were once that happy. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back.

[amimuu]

Ashes to ashes (dust to dust)

[TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of blood, violence, injuries and death. MARK AND CESAR IRLS BEWARE]

first chapter of the fic im currently writing :] enjoy.

CHAPTER 1

December 13th, 1991.

The night of the Winter formal, just before finals week. The small, yearly event the local High School held close to the end of the semester. The vast, usually empty gym decorated in blues and whites, tables adorned with fake flowers and the dim lights of cheap, small chandeliers hung up on the ceiling, shining down on the couple hundred students that gathered to celebrate, Huddled together in groups, giggling and talking to each other, taking photos, dancing and just having a good time. Some seated at the tables, some up, dancing in groups. The warm, welcoming atmosphere being almost perfect to lose oneself in, hearing the laughter and muffled music from the spot behind the bleachers, unmoving and lost in thought, just like the years that came before. 

A small, last push before finally reaching the winter break. Not like it would bring much difference from the usual school day routine, though. Perhaps, it might even make it a little more boring.

However, sometimes even the smallest of things can cause a shift to how events will roll out—It can be anything, really—.An announcement, a call, a feeling that something will happen.

This time, an unpredicted malfunction. It wasn't too big of a problem, speaking honestly, but it was enough to give everyone a good scare.

A low rumble, and then, one of the chandeliers falling off, almost landing on top of a pile of students, but the screams around being loud enough to alert them and have them move before tragedy could ensure. The entire gym shifting from loud choruses of screams and cries, to deafening silence in a matter of seconds, as the headmaster and other teachers made their way through the crowd to the center of the gym, where the incident had taken place. 

"This… Doesn't look too good" The headmaster had said, a worried look in her eyes. 

"Should we send them home?" A teacher perked up, whispering to the side of the headmaster, who looked at him. 

They both looked around, a sea of panicked, confused faces staring right back at them. The headmaster sighed, nodding. "Make sure they are all alright, then we verify they all have a way to reach home safely"

The next 40 minutes were a mix between quiet voices, shushing and sounds of footsteps, some students crying, some being calmer as the teachers counted them and instructed them to exit the gym—the cold air of the Winter afternoon only making the situation feel more unnatural—, something about it causing panic to still be present in most of the students even after the danger was gone. 

"Has anyone seen Mark? Mark Heathcliff?" 

A short woman made her way through the gym, holding a piece of paper and a pen in one hand, looking to both sides anxiously. She had successfully located all the students from senior year, except a particular brown haired boy, who had caused her to scan the entire gym thrice, asking around if any students had seen him. 

"Behind the bleachers… I Think" A nervous looking boy had said "I saw him go there a while ago… I was planning to get him myself but-" 

"Oh no sweetie, it's fine" the teacher offered a smile to him. "I'll go, you join the rest of the students" She reassured, getting a hesitant, small smile from the boy. 

"Yeah just-" A pause. The teacher looked back at him, curious. 

"Nevermind"

The student said, walking back to the crowd in a bit of an awkward fashion. The teacher stood for a while, before shaking her head and walking to the spot the student had signaled. 

"Mark? Mark, are you here?" One second. Two seconds. No response. She was about to leave when she heard a low thud, footsteps following. "Ah, there you are. You had me worried for a while, dear!" 

Mark walked towards her, remaining silent. Hands inside his pockets and hair messy from wriggling out of the small, cramped space he was sitting in. 

"Sorry…" He said in a low voice, looking down at the ground. "I uhm… I was having a little trouble coming out of there" Mark offered her a half-sincere smile, only getting a tired sigh in response. 

"Well, next time don't go into such a cramped space! We don't want another accident happening" She chuckled, tilting her head to the side. "Now come, the rest of your classmates are already out" The teacher turned around, starting to walk in the opposite direction, Mark trailing after her with a quiet huff. 

He followed her outside the gym, the voices of students and teachers talking drowning the otherwise calm environment of the evening. Mark noticed some of them already making their way to the parking lot. He stopped for a second, hesitating a little before asking. "Ms. Walten-" 

"Yes, it's okay for you to head home now, Mark." The teacher said, not waiting for him to finish—almost like she already knew what he was about to ask—as she turned to him for a second, and headed in a different direction.

Mark watched her go for a moment, sighing to himself and walking down the stairs that led up to the gym, they made a low, metallic sound as he descended down, mindlessly scanning the crowd gathered outside of the gym. 

He was about to go, when the presence of a familiar voice caused him to unconsciously turn his head in the direction it came from, the soothing, rhythmic tone able to catch his attention every time. 

An old habit he was yet to rid himself from. 

On the side of the gym stood two silhouettes, taking turns to talk, visibly deep in conversation. The tallest person, who Mark recognized as the poetry teacher, wore a Concerned expression, emotion most likely directed towards the other person, a student, who appeared to be feeling uneasy, looking to the sides anxiously, almost as if he was waiting for something to pop out of the shadows at any moment. Dark curls and hazel eyes, so easy to get lost in his gaze. 

Him, who Mark recognized as Cesar Torres, an old friend, a face he could never fail to remember.

Mark recalled seeing him standing close to the chandelier when it fell, a group of people having to pull him out of the danger zone as he had visibly frozen up upon seeing the chandelier fall. It took him a moment to register what had happened, sitting in the ground Along with other students, his crutch beside him as he stared straight ahead at the broken decoration, thoughts unreadable.

It came to no surprise he was still shaken up from everything—after all, it must've been quite awful being so close to the incident—, trying to play it off with a couple chuckles and hardly sincere smiles, but the panic still present in his gaze, giving away how he was actually feeling. Mark remained quiet, looking and wondering to himself if that chandelier could've actually hurt anyone. If, in case of having landed on top of Cesar, he would've—

No.

He shook his head, pushing the thought out of his mind and breaking his gaze away from the pair, not missing the way Cesar sighed and finished the conversation, walking away. Each tap the crutch made against the ground engraving itself into Mark's head. 

Clack, 

Clack, 

Clack, 

Clack. 

He walked a little bit faster towards his car. 

—

Speaking truthfully, he really didn’t want to go to the winter formal. He knew that if he was to go it would play out just like the past years. Sitting in a corner, talking to some people, but overall, he knew he would be alone. 

It was not until his little sister, Sarah, called him past her usual bedtime just to tell him he couldn’t miss—in her own words—his last big event before prom, that he decided he couldn’t disappoint her, and with a heavy sigh he dragged himself to the landline, calling his dad to ask if he didn’t mind him borrowing his old tuxedo. He didn’t want to sit alone and away from the crowd, he really didn’t. But the music was too loud, the lights were too bright and his tie felt too tight- and he really needed to sit down and take a break. It would only be five minutes. Which turned into ten. Which turned into forty-two. And then, just as he had made up his mind to come out, the incident happened. Causing him to come home early, anxiety still present in the back of his mind. Mark would’ve gone over to his uncle’s, but he had promised his mom that he would stay at the house at least 2 nights a week to clean it and make sure everything was in order while she was not around. Mark walked into the house, closing the door with a loud creak that echoed through the walls of the empty home. Deathly silent, dark, and cold, the house almost exuded an air of eeriness that was not present during the daylight hours, yet Mark found the environment comforting, the peace and quiet of the night able to sooth the uneasiness still lingering in the corners of his mind. He tossed the keys in the counter, making his way upstairs to his room, not proud of the mess it was currently in. He made a mental note to take care of that next morning, reaching for his pajama pants and one of his old band-tees he usually wore to sleep. His eyes trailed off to the walls of his room, various posters of bands and movies hung up in them, their positions changing frequently as Mark told himself maybe they would look better if the bigger poster was in the top, or the long, slim one in the corner, or so on and so forth, never really satisfied with the ending result.

He made his way back downstairs, doing his usual rounds around the house checking for any open doors or windows and, as usual, finding all of them closed, secured, keeping anything that could try to make its way into the house outside, away, at a distance that was safe enough for him to sleep calmly. Passing through one of the small tables in the living room he noticed a small object laying on top of it, after getting a closer look realizing it was his crucifix. He took it into his hands and put it around his neck, a sense of safety dawning on him along with the weight of the little piece of metal now hanging in his chest. Maybe if he had taken the crucifix with him to the party, things would’ve gone differently. But he found he couldn't really tuck it under his shirt in a way in which he felt comfortable, or it didn’t look bulky, so after a lot of hesitation, he decided to leave it at home, telling himself that it lowered the possibilities of him dropping it and, god forbid, losing it. But it seems like God wasn’t really happy with said plan. Maybe, this was his way of punishing him for putting his comfort over his beliefs.

No, Mark thought, God wouldn’t really do that. He walked over to the door in the kitchen, leading to the small garden behind the house, checking it was properly locked before making his way back out of the kitchen, now sure the house was safe enough to relax. He smiled to himself, heading to the stairs to go back to his room-

Riiiing-!

Mark stayed in place for a while, hesitating a little before turning his head towards the phone, a little startled from the sudden noise. The phone continued to ring impatiently, urging him to pick it up. Who could even be calling him this late? It was already past midnight—and he doubted his uncle or sister would still be awake at this hour—, so he could only possibly picture it being one of his parents or, less likely, a stranger with way too much free time. Mark shook his head, making his way to the phone. Whoever it was, he was sure he could end the call quickly and go to sleep as soon as possible. A little annoyed, he picked up the phone, pressing it against his ear, the cold metal that met his skin causing him to almost flinch lighty. “Hello?” “Mark…?” Oh. That voice was familiar. Too familiar. “Holy shit…you…actually picked up- Uhm- Hey…It’s- It’s Cesar- I hope it’s not too late?” This wasn't what Mark was expecting. In fact- Of the dozens of people he imagined could be on the other end of the line he would’ve never pictured it to be Cesar fucking Torres out of all of them. Cesar remained quiet on the other end of the line, reminding Mark he was probably supposed to speak now.

“I uh- No- It’s fine- What’s up? Are you okay?” He forced out, feeling a very strong sense of awkwardness start to rise between the two of them.

“Yeah- I’m-” A small, sharp intake of breath “No- I’m not- My mom- she…She’s- Oh god- I don’t even know just- I need help” Cesar sounded like he was on the verge of tears, words coming through the receiver in a hurried, unsteady tone. So unlike what he was usually like. Okay…what the actual fuck. Mark pinched the bridge of his nose, already starting to feel this was some sort of very sick joke, annoyance starting to crawl up his spine. “Cesar- I think I really need you to explain yourself better”

Silence. A sigh. Shaky, tired. “Right…Right…I uhm…I think…i think we’ve just been attacked by- by an alternate…I- Fuck…I don’t know if my mom’s alright- I can’t feel my legs- I can’t stand up- I don’t even know if that- that thing is still here…I just…I really, really, really need help”

Mark remained quiet. An alternate. 

He thinks he was attacked by an alternate? And instead of calling the cops he chose to call him, whom he hadn’t properly spoken to in years, out of all people? No. Nope. Hell no. He was too tired to deal with this. It was too late and it was probably just some sick, elaborate joke Cesar and his friends had come up with to mess with him. Cesar said something else, but Mark wasn’t listening to him anymore, holding onto the phone just a little tighter. This was messed up. So many years of barely exchanging any words, of almost intentionally avoiding each other, of holding onto that tiny, stupid hope that maybe, just maybe, he also wanted to go back to how things were before, only to be met with this. “...Mark?” “Call the cops.” “But-” He hung the phone, maybe with a little too force. Not enough to outright damage it, though. He sighed, tiredness invading his senses and telling him to go to bed already, knowing he would feel better in the morning. Mark started walking towards the stairs, but just as he reached for the railing, he felt goosebumps make their way up his spine. He called them goosebumps- but they weren’t really that. It was an awful, cold sensation, a pit in his stomach, a tightness in his chest, a small voice in his head, all at once, asking him the same thing. Walking away, again? He felt himself start to shake ever so slightly, pulling his hand back towards his chest as the sensation grew progressively worse and worse until it had taken enough of a shape for Mark to actually give it a name.

Guilt.

But- for what? It was a joke. He was sure it was

You have no way of knowing that

…Maybe, but- why him, out of all people?

Perhaps he didn’t have a choice.

No, no. He wasn’t serious. He couldn’t be.

What would god think of this? Denying help to those in need. Pick up the phone, Mark. He needs you.

He didn’t. Mark was sure he didn’t. He reached for the cross in his pocket, holding it between his hands, still trying to make his way up the stairs, unsure of why it was suddenly so hard.

Pick up the phone.

Mark shook his head, trying to push the thought away, his mind attempting to put together a prayer to sooth his thoughts, the words jumbled up and interrupted by the same sentence, over and over again. Pick up the phone. Pick it up. Pick it up pick it up pick it up pick it-

Click-!

The phone buzzed in silence, signaling him the call was being connected, the guilt starting to die down yet now giving way to creeping anxiety. What if he was too late? What if Cesar didn’t pick up again? What if—

“Hello…?” It had been years since the last time he had felt this relieved to hear Cesar’s voice, the sensation dawning on him fast enough to make his limbs feel like jelly. But no, right now, he had to focus. “...Do you still have the same address?” “What…?” “Do you still live in the same house as before?” “I- Yeah- I do-” “I’ll be there in ten.” Not waiting for a reply, Mark hung up, running upstairs to grab his hoodie and the car keys, hurrying outside, the snow making it a little hard to reach his car, the cold air of the winter night hitting his face and burning his nostrils. What time was it, even? It didn’t matter right now- He just had to reach his frien- Cesar’s house and check on him. Then he would just go back home and it would be like it never happened at all.

He just hoped it was like that.

—

Saturday, 2:08 am.

Mark arrived at the Torres residence, scanning the house up and down with his gaze before making his way to the front door, hesitating a little upon noticing it was opened ever so slightly, a low, iron-like smell making its way out the home. Mark pushed the door fully open, noticing inside there were no lights on, at all, only adding to the already unsettling environment the house had.

“Hello…? Cesar…?” He started walking further into the house, his steps slow and hesitant as he squinted, trying to make out at least the walls of the residence. Mark felt himself nearly slip up on something, panic setting in as he reached for the nearest surface—which resulted to be the counter—, to avoid falling face first into the ground. “Oh. Okay…Okay-” “Mark?”

His head perked up towards the direction the voice came in, his vision clearing up just enough for him to make out a faint silhouette in the corner of the kitchen, slumped against the wall-

“Cesar…?” Mark made his way towards him, noticing the faint stench of iron getting stronger- but that was not just merely “iron”, was it? “Are you okay?” He finally got close enough to make out his features, noticing the anxiety in his gaze, staring up at him almost as if he was having trouble convincing himself Mark was actually standing there, in front of him. Mark knelt down to his level, a troubled expression in his face, noticing how Cesar seemed to push himself even further into the wall, even if just slightly.

He was terrified.

He scanned him up and down. Hands pressed against his own chest, trembling slightly. The formal attire he had been previously wearing at the event still on, tie undone and shoes swapped out with slippers, clearly getting ready to change into something else- his crutch was beside him, a little too further for him to reach unless he dragged himself out of his current position, which he didn’t seem like he was willing to do. To the other side of him there was- oh god- was that-

“Cesar- why do you have a knife- Oh shit- You- You are bleeding- What the hell happened?” Mark asked, anxiety becoming more prevalent as he examined the injury present in the other boy’s calf with his eyes. Cesar remained quiet, opening and closing his mouth like a fish, struggling to find the right words to speak. “I- I couldn’t- I really-” His shoulders trembled, the words coming after nothing but barely incomprehensible mumbles, along with choked sobs and cries, Mark noticing he was trying really hard to hold it in, but truly seemed unable to. “Sorry- Let me just-” He reached up to his face, trying to wipe away the tears now trailing down his cheeks with shaky hands, but was stopped by Mark.

“You still have blood in your fingers. I don’t think we want that accidentally going into your eyes.” Mark pushed his hand back down, searching his own pockets for anything he could give Cesar to use instead, but noticing he had brought practically nothing but himself to his old friend’s house. Sighing, he awkwardly pulled his hoodie’s sleeve up and carefully brushed away the tears himself.

Cesar was visibly shocked at this, keeping his hands halfway up his chest, but making no move to push Mark away—he was too focused trying to calm down, anyways—,eventually lowering them back onto the ground as he squeezed his eyes shut, unconsciously moving his head back a little.

“There- Now uhm- Do you know where your mom is?” Mark looked at his hoodie’s sleeve for a second, making a mental note to wash it once he was back home. As Cesar gave no reply, he looked to the hallway, noticing a faint trail of crimson leading towards the darkest part of it…Ms. Torres nowhere to be seen. Mark stood up, but immediately felt a pair of hands reach up to his sleeve, holding him in place.

“Wait- Please don’t go- Don’t-”

 ‘Don’t leave’.

The words died in his throat before he could even attempt to speak them. Cesar held onto Mark’s sleeve tightly, hands shaking. A pitiful, desperate attempt to keep him by his side.

“Just- Stay. Please.”

Mark remained quiet, reaching for Cesar’s wrist after a couple seconds. “I’ll be right back.” He reassured, pulling his arm out of the other boy’s hand. “I’m just going to check on your mom, okay?” He offered him a smile, Cesar showing some hesitation before nodding slowly and unwillingly freeing Mark from his grasp.

Mark sighed, muttering a low ‘okay’ under his breath before walking towards the hall, his steps slowing down the closer he got, his heartbeat quickening, nervousness filling his mind as the worst outcomes took shape in his imagination, against his will. The trace of crimson grew the closer he got, irregular, messy stains present in the walls, as if whoever left them was desperately trying to cling into the surface, failing, yet trying again. He gulped down. This just kept getting worse. His foot bumped against something, his eyes shutting unconsciously as it did so. He didn’t want to look. He really wished he didn’t have to look. He wanted to go home. But it was a little too late for that.

Oh Dear God, please save me now. Slowly, hesitantly, he opened his eyes, immediately regretting his decision, a gag escaping his mouth. He reached to a wall for support, letting his weight lean into that direction, but just enough to remain on his legs, using up all of his willpower to not turn around and run away right there and then. Mark took a deep breath, forcing his head to return to the horrifying sight in front of him. He knew she was not waking up again. Sprawled over the floor, she laid. Eyes open, glassy, unseeing. Limbs spread in a position that could not be possibly achieved unless broken. A singular, long gash across her neck being the main source of the ugly crimson staining the walls. She was probably bleeding from her back too…and her arms…they were filled all the way up to her elbows with cuts- scratches- Mark couldn't really tell.

She was with god, now.

Mark had considered the possibility of Cesar being the one to have taken her life. An unwished thought, flashing through his mind. Unwelcome at first, but slowly, awfully beginning to make sense as the limp body of Diana Torres slowly entered his vision, curtains lifted, an abstract concept taking shape. But, upon taking a closer look… Those were not knife cuts.

But they didn’t look exactly like scratches, either. 

It looked as if the skin had forcefully been ripped apart, like a piece of cloth. Messy, irregular, yet still horrifying. The more he looked, the more unnatural it appeared. His brain could hardly process just what the fuck was in front of him. He…he really should stop looking now. “Is…Is she okay?” 

A small voice came from the kitchen. Oh. Oh right, Cesar. How was he even supposed to tell him…? Mark backed out from the hallway, struggling to let go off the wall without feeling like he was going to fall over. He felt sick to his stomach. “Mark” Cesar called out again,voice almost breaking. Desperate, resembling a plea. “Is my mom okay?” Mark looked at him. Suddenly finding that now it was him who was unable to speak. Words stuck in his throat, not letting him push them out no matter how hard he tried. His hands closed into fists, noticing the little hope that remained in Cesar’s eyes slowly fading away, a light, snuff out. 

“I’m calling an ambulance”

—

Saturday, 2:57 am

They both sat at the kitchen floor in silence, only the low whistle of the wind sliding from under the door audible, along with the faint humming of the lightbulb that dimly illuminated the room. Mark was pressing a wetted towel against Cesar’s gash, just like the lady over the phone instructed him to do so until help arrived.

Cesar stared blankly at his leg, tears and blood now dried up, only the tightness in his chest remaining amidst it all. 

Mark looked up at him, concerned. He looked lost. Thoughts unreadable, so different from how he usually was like…but Mark couldn’t blame him. Not at all. Nothing could’ve prepared him for what he had just experienced that night, merely hours ago. His mother was gone. He was alone. All alone. The only thing his expression gave away was how likely he was to be thinking that same thing too.

What now? What do I even do now?

Lost. So lost.

“Does…your leg hurt a lot?” Mark asked, in a low voice.

“I don’t know” A blunt reply, almost lifeless.

“Do you have anywhere to stay?”

“I don’t” “Friends, family?” “I don’t think they’d want to deal with this”

They wouldn’t want to deal with someone who’s come in contact with an alternate.

Mark remained quiet. He had made up his mind to let him stay the night, but- What after that? Cesar wasn’t even looking back at him as they talked. He didn’t seem like he was looking  at anything at all, speaking honestly. It was as if he was in a different place entirely. So close to Mark yet somehow, far, far away. Even more than they were before. Even more than those 7 years. Even more than when-

Sirens became audible in the distance, a low sense of relief washing over Mark, like a quiet reassurance. A prayer answered. He looked back at Cesar, who barely seemed to register the sound of the sirens getting closer, the blue and red lights bleeding through the small open spaces between the curtains. 

“C’mon, I think we should go outside” Mark said, starting to get back on his feet, but noticing Cesar was not following his motion. He tilted his head to the side, making a move to help the other boy back to his feet but being stopped midway.

“Cesar?”

Silence. His gaze finally met. Tired, puffy eyes staring back at him.

.

.

.

“I can’t feel my legs.”

—

Ohhh, intriguing :] or idk, you tell me...lemme tell you picking a date for the winter formal that made sense was probably the hardest part of the entire chapter efrshdigsdd

Still, to anyone who read, hope you enjoyed :> Next chapter will be available next week. Uuuuuuunnntiiiiill then!

-Ami

#tw! blood mention #tw! implied violence #tw! death mention #tw! Injuries #the mandela catalogue #the mandela catalogue au #TMC lifeline au #tmc ashes to ashes (dust to dust) #mark heathcliff #cesar torres

[fa7hum]

Reunion of Requited

For the past year and a half living in complete love with someone who has passed away. I now understand why nanny would say the things she did about being alone after losing pawpaw. I wondered for the better part of my life why she would'nt move on because this world is such a dismal place without love. Now, having lost my girlfriend Alyvia, who was and is still my muse of an absolutely beautiful true bestfriend from the moment we met till probably forever. Nomatter where how or when I wake up everyday longing for her, (if i can even manage to sleep) | now understand why nanny had bad sleep for such an old person, lol. After hearing this news, Im grateful i know my grandmas heart very well, after countless sleepovers falling asleep to fresh prince on the airmatresses and waking up to CMT music videos every morning to get me pumped up for a great day at school! I fell in love with music because of Nanny as well as love haha which i can say proudly she created the most hopeless romantic the world has seen. Im so grateful for the countless drives we all had together mostly maymay kayla cody and I really haha. Im so glad i got to cry to her last summer after Allyvia died. I sold my car to just fly in without notice and all I could do was cry no matter what state or city I found myself lost in looking for home because the only place i felt truly ever home was with Lyv. Nothing was helping heal this pain drowning me and in all honesty i came to Florida to tell everyone i loved them and give one last goodbye because this heartbreak is literally killing me. I remember when i was much younger nanny would go out on the porch at night and look at the stars and show me which one was pawpaw, because he was always the first star to come out at night and ever since then i always see pawpaw when i look at the stars. And shed always just say i just miss pawpaw here and there and i didnt get it then but wow. I can barely get a sentence out without it having something to do with Alyvia.

If i know my grandma like i think i do, the day her spirit left the body we know she'd been waiting for that moment in awe since the day pawpaw passed away. Love has now been refurbished and thats such a very beautful thing.

I think i kissed nannys forehead before i ran off that porch last time haha and im so happy i did.

I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said

"love is blind. Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded.

The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your friends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood.

And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were once that happy. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back.

, ,jtr

xoxo

[en-ternity]

FLATLINE IS HERE AND I JUST WANNA CRY OMG. LETS GAUR~

“We have to head back,” Jake shouted. “Or else we are going to be late and Jungwon is going to be mad — I don’t like it when Jungwon is mad.”

lolol not the tiny leader being mad and we are all scared here! but i agree with jake! jungwon is scary haha

You had to blink a few times to get used to it, and only then you saw Sunhae, that Jungwon guy of hers, and his friends — the four of them focused on a dartboard poorly placed in one of the beams.

STOP! Not the dartboard jdksajdkal i am brought back to iland days when the boys played dart LMAO so cute T_T

“I am Heeseung,” he said, moving his gaze at Jake for a brief second before he turned back to you, smiling. “I don’t think I have something special to state.”

HAHAHAHAHAHA not the "smiling" when he looks back OOF boy is already flirting dhjhdjsakdhjska

When you didn’t oppose it, he used your connected hands to pull you to him, and suddenly he was so close and the air stuffy. He smelled like the summer nights, like the brisk breeze of the county, like peonies, but as well as the leather of his jacket, and something that you remembered from the day your father taught you how to drive, the smokey scent when you couldn’t pull the car up the hill and forced the engine to its maximum.

HELLO??? This is so beautifully written BYE

“To operate the tents, but the losing team should volunteer to wear the sheep costume and hand the flyers.”

NOT THE SHEEP COSTUME DHJASKDHAHAHAHA I SWEAR WE SAID BEAR COSTUME! IM WHEEZING

“Do the honors, princess,” he said, extending one of the darts.

EXCUSE ME? I didnt expect the nickname so soon. LORD

“It’s her turn,” Jake protested.

“The dart is in her hand,” Heeseung replied with mischief.

THE WAY I SNORTED LMFAO and my mans is napping from the anime con lolol im wheezing because i am brought back to our talks of possessive Jake dhjsakhdjakhahahahahahaha I CANT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY SORRY

“But if you ever decide to binge all the attractions of a carnival again, or if you feel like doing anything you couldn’t — I am here,” he said, reaching for the top of your head, his fingers threaded through your hair as he gave the same soft and quick pat he did on the night of the party.

i am crying. TEARS, ROLLING DOWN PAST MY CHEEKS LOL why would you do this to me. bye

Heeseung thought your expression was the cutest thing he had seen during his twenty-four years of living, there was a certain urge in him to make it disappear.

i can see him squeezing his eyes shut at how cute yn is. PLS crying some more as i continue read

It was the first time you had ever said his name, and it caught him off guard. Not only because of your accent, but coming from your lips, it sounded soft and slow, almost as if you had stolen it and made it all yours.

YUMI, STOP THIS RN! I AM CRYING ENOUGH! THIS IS SO CUTE T-T the way he observes her and listens to her dhjakshdjakjak im melting

“Come on,” one of the women behind said. “Take that box and give your boyfriend a thank you kiss.”

DEAD ASS LMFAOOOOO this is me asf!

“Can I drive you home?” he asked. “I promise I haven’t drank anything today.”

NO NEED TO ASK TWICE!

“I want to see you again,” he whispered.

“I want you to see me again too.”

A laugh escaped from his lips, unintentionally too happy as he reached for his phone on the console and handed it to you.

HAHAHA THIS IS FUNNY! I laughed hella loud and then covered my mouth, turned my head back to check on mans and make sure he's still sleeping lmao

This was a Heeseung you weren’t sure you knew who he was.

OOOOOFFFFF GIRL! SHE IS GONNA LEARN TODAY! but girl, it'll be okay. he raced into your heart anyways dhjaskdhak

He closed his eyes at the familiarity of the moment, but as soon as the darkness welcomed him, you were there again — burning like sunlight.

Heeseung knew this place well enough to not need to think before exchanging the gears, he just kept in mind he needed to come back faster than ever.

H E L L O?!?!?!?!?! I cannot say this enough. omg!!!! this is so well written, bish! my heart racing and telling heeseung to not be stupid! OH GOD i am praying for dude to hurry tf up and come back to yn lol

He couldn’t simply tell he thought you shone like a heart of gold.

I CLENCHED MY ASS AND HE DIDNT TELL HER THIS? Unclenching my ass and omw to beat him up BYE

You were already painfully beautiful like this, but the moment you smiled at him — something stirred and moved inside of him.

i need a break lmfao i am crying way too much! T_T yumi, there are just so much love and i am digging this a whole lot

“I am not letting you slip away tonight,” he whispered.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH IT'S THIS SCENE! WE MADE IT HERE! FUCK MY LIFE!! HELP??? HAHAHAHAHA T_T

You were so beautiful, he could die all day and every night just to miss you.

CRYINGCRYINGCRYING

“Heeseung!” His grandmother screamed, startling you. “Why there’s such a pretty girl asking for you at my front door?”

PWUAHAHAHAHHA I AM THE GRANDMA BYE

“But now that I am teaching you, he may leave me and go with you.” she finished, causing Heeseung to choke on the air.

LOL BISH! I SNORTED HELLA LOUD HHAHAHAHHAHAHAAH i cant with granny. shes the best

If the whole afternoon hadn’t been homey enough, this — this kiss had been.

please T_T they are both so homey, i wanna stay home forever

“I am very lucky,” Heeseung whispered. “About everyone I have in my life.”

“They are lucky to have you too.”

“Do you think so?”

“I am sure so,” you said, and you didn’t need to look at him to know he was smiling at it.

my mom and dad, PERIOD

Heeseung was already walking towards you, acting as if there was no one else in his eyesight.

bro is so in love, im in love with them lmao

“Go get a room in the name of lord,” someone screamed, so close it hadn’t left any doubt it was for you and Heeseung.

TBH! I HAVE GLASSES FOR A REASON TO PROTECT MY EYES. CAN WE NOT RIGHT NOW?!

“Sunghoon has been complaining about it,” your mother added. “Send him a message once in a while — the boy has been wondering about you.”

the devil has appeared. bye LMAO LEAVING FOREVER

Heeseung was well aware the piece was cheap, probably the cheapest suit you have ever touched, but still, you folded it with so much care before you placed it over a nearby couch — with so much care, he couldn’t come into peace about what he was supposed to do with himself.

it's being taken care of with so much care because she loves him. and like im getting so emotional over this because when you love someone, cheap or not, you are willing to care for them. and ugh ME CRYING SOME MORE

“Now, this is what I call a worth-it movie scene,” your grandma interrupted, making Heeseung step back. “Is this the infamous Lee Heeseung?”

NOT ME ALSO BEING THIS GRANDMA TOO HAHAHAHAAHA

“Sunghoon!” your father greeted.

I CHOKED

“I heard you have been obsessed with a disposable camera,” he said. “So I bought this while I was in Japan last week, I think something higher quality would be better.”

I CANT SCREAM, YUMI LMAO SO HERE I AM, COVERING MY MOUTH AS I SILENTLY SCREAM! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! i forgot we talked about this scene. oh my god, my ass AND my heart are clenched!

“You didn’t need to protect the camera so fiercely.”

“It wasn’t the camera,” you said, and he smiled down at you because he knew.

IM CRYING AGAIN! because ugh, they understand each other so much and i love them. i just love them so much T_T

“Was it?” you asked. “Great?”

“Wonderful,” he whispered.

MOM AND DAD, PLEASE! STOP BEING SO CUTE! I AM CRYING A RIVER OF RAINBOWS AND BUTTERFLIES!

“You are my downfall, but as well my saving, princess,” he whispered. “I hope you know it.”

I JUST FLEW OFF MY CHAIR! BYYYYYE! SEE YOU NEVER!!!!

“Yours,” he whispered.

“Early — when you were introducing me to your grandmother, you didn’t know what to title me,” he explained. “I am yours, no titles required.”

yumi hahahahaha you love making me cry, do you? how can hee say this RIGHT AFTER some love making. LET ME PROCESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED T-T i had to pause and cry ahahha this is so cute, wtf? hes such a lil bish! A SOFT BISH T-T

he wondered if the man ever wore anything that wasn’t dress pants and silk button-downs.

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH I CANT STOP LAUGHING OMG IT WAS SERIOUS UP UNTIL I SAW THIS AHHAHA

she will forget this moment of charity

YOU USED THIS LMFAO I AM FUCKING LAUGHING! i didnt realize you would really use this line dgsahjdashahahahahahahaha

The cadence of his heart matched with yours. And it was so easy to believe you both are the only ones remaining in the world — so easy.

legit, mom and dad. hi. i am your child right here. fhajskdhjaskdhka T_T this is so pretty. i love them so much! i am going to protect them FOREVER

Heeseung would always wait for you.

i thought we agreed no major angst. you have taken the crown now lmao i am leaving

“Princess,” he called as soon as you picked up. “Have you looked at the moon tonight?”

me shaking and crying lmao i need a new tissue box frfr! YUMI, YOU SAID MY ANGST ARE MEAN. THIS IS MEANER! OMG

“I never got my architect license,” Heeseung said. “But if you tell me about your dream house, I can find you something.”

i remember us gushing over this scene and now im reading it and crying hahaha my emotions are all over the place and idk how to feel rn T_T

“I want to stay with you.”

“Then stay with me,” He whispered. “For as long as you want.”

they are so perfect. so FUCKING PERFECT. im gonna cry a wave of ocean haha

“You have been taking too much care of me, let me take care of you too,” he asked.

THIS IS ME FLYING OUT THE DOOR! BYE!

“Exactly — what if they tell you something that makes you want to leave me?” Heeseung asked, although there was a hint of entertainment in his voice, your answer was solemn.

stop it T_T he wasnt even joking either!!!! my heart breaks more and more for my bro man

“Don’t get me wrong, I loved having you in my car, and the shower, but having you here — all pretty on my bed, I will take my time with you.”

ME CRYING AND SCREAMING IN SILENT HELLO?! I WAS NOT READY FOR THIS PART! OH MY GOD. OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH I NEED TO PAUSE AGAIN OH LORD HAVE MERCY ON ME!

“We should listen to what the youth has to say,” she smiled.

AHEM! Again, i am the grannies lmao

“Please, no sir — we are all family here.”

SHIP ME TO DELULU LAND RIGHT FUCKING NOW OMFG

OKAY I AM DONE. i cried, i laughed, and i cried again ahah i screamed for a little bit, but i was able to hold my composure again. idk how many times i changed the music to fit the mood. everything was beautiful. absolutely beautiful. ignore my commentary in our DMs hahahahaahahha THESE ARE THE REAL ONES. I couldnt stop picturing everything that heeseung was seeing and doing when he's with yn. i felt all the emotions of love in here and oh my god, LET ME GO CRY AGAIN HAHAHA

p.s. the mole tracing scene could've still been added at the end BUT ITS OKAY LMAO i can wait for that extra scene :P

I LOVE YOU MY SOUL SISTER!

I AM CRYING! I JUST CAN’T WITH YOU! This story is so long that I didn’t expect you to do your long reviews but here we are 🥹

The story wouldn’t have come to life without you, seriously, if you weren’t here to listen to every stupid question, every stupid doubt, and mental breakdown, I wouldn’t have had the courage to finish it (and I wouldn’t have made Sunghoon so hateable) so thank you so much for your help (ever since January!) and this review ♥️

I can really picture you as the grannies lol they were the best and so funny just like you! I LOVE YOU!

#yumi’s asks #genie!

[binkszamsstuff]

The reflection crouse

Goodbye mommy pt3

Masterlist

"I love you Tilly girl" y/n spoke to her.

"I love you too mommy" tilly responded, the image of her mother days before she lost her would always make her cry. As a child Tilly really tried not to notice the changes her mother was going through. But now those were all she had left of her mother.

She remembers her pale and sunken skin, her mother was terribly skinny and Ill looking. Her hair thin and dull, her eyes the same Tilly once found a journal full of her mums health that her dad kept to try and keep track. The last entry wrote.

Day: the 10th

Medication: take three times day, the two with the blue stickers on them she takes before eating and the ones with red after.

Weight gain/lose: I've tried to keep her full of protein but she still remains at 80 pounds.

Notes: the doctors and I have tried so many medications to give her more time, nothing's working. I fear the constant change of meds is doing more damage then saving.

Tilly had it hidden in her closet under her Jean's, she knew if her father found out she had the journal of her mothers last date he would be upset. Not mad just upset, tilly knows that he tries to keep the the hurt from her.

It was monday. Every monday before school Tilly and y/n would have mommy Monday. Pancakes and cartoons and after was the best. Today is the first monday without her mum. No pancakes, no cartoons, no mommy mondays, no mum. Tilly cried all day at school they called home and james had to pick her up early.

If someone asked Tilly what the hardest day of her life was she would say that Monday when she awoke to no mum.

The many times Tilly met dot she hated it. Her father's blatant disregard for her back handed compliments and tone deaf jokes made Tilly made.

The way she spoke about her mother was the worst of all, 'im your new mom now' she would "jokely" say. Or 'why is this old stuff all around?', 'we need to clean out this house of her junk' all these things bucky was ignored, all the clear dirty looks and eye rolls that Tilly gave to Dott ignored too.

"Dad I told you I'm going out with!" Tilly said with an annoyed sigh.

"Tilly can't you just spend some time with Dott? It's family night I told you this yesterday."

"And I told you I was going out on Monday! She is NOT family"need

3 months later.

17 she was turning 17, tilly had found some old pictures from her grandma and grandpa of her mother on her 17th birthday. Y/n had a 70s themed birthday party and everyone dressed up. They told her to the keep the pictures. And when she showed her dad he laughed so hard at the mere sight of them.

"The song dancing queen by abba played all night long, god look at me I almost forgot about my long hair. I guess I did a good job on the custom" he laughed. Their were many pictures of aunt Natasha, uncle tony, steve, thor, sam, aunt wanda, pepper, and tilly's favorite was her mum holding a very grumpy 10 year old yelena in her arms as she danced.

But her real favorite was the last two, one was of y/n smiling about to blow out her birthday candles her eyes filled up with joy and the candle light made her look beautiful. And the other one was of bucky and her slow dancing the perfect photo caught of the two. The look that her father had in his eyes Tilly has not seen in a long time. The way he looked at her mum.

So now it was tilly's 17th birthday and she was having a 70 themed party with all her friends and grandparents. She was off the walls as she and her aunts ready in her room, the only thing she didnt like was her father's new girlfriend Dott. Tilly hated her and she didnt care that her father was moving on and happy call her selfish but she didn't care. No one could replace her mother. When aunt nat found out she almost slapped bucky and she told tilly why. Dott was always trying to steal bucky away from her mother and the drama that went with it was enough for Tilly to never ever want Dott around her or her father.

Bucky insisted that Dott come tonight that it would be a good bonding time for them. Tilly felt as if her father was shoving her down her throat. And every time Tilly saw Dott she always tried to bring up that she should move in and 'we can get rid of all the old stuff' tilly's mother was NOT old stuff! Or she would try and convince bucky to donate y/n's things that were still around the house.

The party was going fantastic all tillys friends were there and her aunts and uncles. Until Dott spilt her drink on her shirt. Bucky and her going upstairs to clean her up but when Dott came down in one of her mothers shirts Natasha lost it and so did tilly and everyone else.

"What are waring?" Natasha seethed at Dott.

"She spit her drink nat its fine" bucky blew off.

"No it's not fine that was your wife's shirt, not just some shirt james your wife's."

"It doesn't matter Natasha shes gone. My wife died!" Dott smile didnt flatter.

Tilly started to cry. Did her dad really not remember what that shirt was? Was he that careless? That was the shirt y/n went to the hospital in. That was the last time y/n ever went to the hospital because she never came home from that one. That was the last shirt Tilly had ever seen her mother in and the music stopped, tillys grandpa holding her grandma as she cried and Natasha was about to slap bucky until Tilly muttered.

"I hate you, and today is my birthday that me and my family throwed to celebrate my mum and me. And you've ruined it! I didnt even want you here." Tilly stormed off her friends following her to make sure she was okay.

"Its just a damn shirt!" Dott said rolling her eyes "your mommys dead get over it!" Y/ns mother marched her way up to her and slapped Dott and then bucky. "My daughter deserves better then this and so does my granddaughter! That girl misses her mother and you! James my husband and I love you and my daughter did too but this is too much! I know it's been 7 years but that does not mean she didnt exist. I know everyone deals with grief in different ways but you forcing your daughter to act like her mother never happened is wrong. I'm every disappointed in you james" and with that grandma and grandpa walked upstairs to go to their granddaughter.

A/N: I know this was a crappy chapter but I needed to get it out so🤷

#bucky barnes #bucky x female reader #marvel #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes oneshots #steve rogers #steve rogers au

[rawrmeansilyindinosawr]

U want to forget but I don't, no, not just yet

We smoked blow on the last subway cart on the train track. u used ur body to hide my high, remember when we ran away together that one nite? we were infinite like the perks of being a wallflower tunnel scene, we were laughing and panicking and kissing. Flowers growing just into the wrong tree.

ive spent so much time in unmemorizing but can u rly forget when

You bleached my hair with ur bare hands when it was all firetruck red

didn't use gloves

somehow u were always magic

The white pieces tht go thru a layer of ur skin always just came off

when u fucked me on the couch after I stopped going to therapy 

cuz u said she didn't understand me

She didn't understand addiction

Or any of the layers in me

When that uber driver from Chinatown drove us back home and farted so loud n didn't say sorry

when you met me at Greenpoint three times in one day 

To drop me off to work

Bring me fried chicken

Then an umbrella cuz it rained

U rode the subway the entire day on myrtle wycoff

And myrtle Broadway

At broadway junction, u carried crates of clothes for me for my children's fashion show date

Even ripped and cut apart ur own

Said u didn't need them anyway

Coffee in the greca 

hazelnut creamer 

"Dark and sweet"

Remember when we switched Starbucks drinks outside the farmers market in la?

I miss when u'd sing Beyonce

N how you'd sit on the sidewalk and call it “photosynthesis"

I just didn't know what love felt like til I saw u w that one dog u would dog sit

-----

i thought I had my heart broken before but

this feels like the very first time

Losing you feels like losing everyone ive ever lost in every god damn lifetime

Ive spent the entire night up but i still feel like i haven't been awake

figuring out who u were all along makes me regret saying yes to Sally's that day

i trusted u with no boundaries

So how do I begin to mend?

the holes in my heart

I don't wanna live for anything anymore

Not money nor my family not even art

Its like someone kicked me on the curb

Saw me bleeding 

Then kept kicking

and kicking 

and kicking me

still not stopping 

even when im crying red

i swear my heart just stopped beating

i can't feel it anymore 

cant feel u anymore

even in this feeling

feeling so close to death

---

u fed me curry chicken before u set me up with spycameras in ur bed

picture framed me I just forgot to smile

you told me youd take the handcuffs in Canada

When we hid ketamine under some cookies

Covered it with a blue dildo

i guess that was history

555… . It has to get easier with time 

<\3

-----

u were a wallflower

Just as lost as me 

My therapist said we found in each other what wasn't healed yet

we were flowers just growing into the wrong tree

i wish we blossomed into a mango tree 

i wish I went into ur backyard in Puerto Rico 

I'm so sorry this is how it all turned out to be.

U lost ur voice in the red fiat 

The day before March 1st 2024 

screaming u loved me while almost killing us both

u said u just wanted to be enough 

and I wish u knew I always thought u were

sometimes i still wish it was u id see on the living room floor 

Doing whatever u were doing

scratching off a ticket

eating dinner 

Drilling another hole into something 

nothing ever mattered when u laid beside me 

Not drugs

Or "intentional planned dates"

Just shared plates 

shared forks

shared home

With a ceiling

and a door

U were always self made

-----

If I told u I forgave u would u believe true love conquers hate?

I miss the perfume samples u gave 

the journals you'd steal for me

the cheese it's at laguaria airport

when u forgot how to spell my last name

The 100 coconut waters

All of ur last last dollars

All I ever wanted was u

More than freedom I want u

More than my life together I want u

More than money more than drugs more than heaven more than being equally loved.

—

let my blood run down the sink drain

I always told u id die before u 

im sry we can't die together today 

my ears are ringing and time is impending 

i feel myself dying

i wish u were with me 

i miss ur voice i miss ur face

this is the hardest withdrawal 

i wish u weren't a million people

But you are 

im so betrayed 

I love the boy i met January 5 2023

that boy that kissed my feet

painted my toes

the one i called first when i cracked my then iphone 

just after a second date

you told me you'd fix it

And I believed u

you told me everything would be okay 

And I believed u. 

i love you

you hurt me so bad

this is worse than my bloodied knee pads

but ill still remember the heart u tattooed on them, ill still call it love 

[self-h-rmageddon]

i feel. like bad? i need to get it off my chest!!!!

soo. okay i

i avoided my friends for like.. almost a month i guess. 22 days, the only reason i know that is cuz she counted. i didnt think she would, and i feel.. so much conflict. im avoidant when she brings it up, i dont wanna talk about it cuz i know she wont like what i have to say

she got drunk one night, like *really* drunk and she shared with me some pretty real feelings she probably wouldnt have otherwise. it hurt me, but i know she was hurting too. she *insisted* i speak about it, like. VERBALLY, anyone who knows me knows i fall short there. i

things have just been the way that they were for so long, i guess when it changed it was jarring maybe? ive been the loser. we're all losers, but i was the only one in my entire friend group who didnt have other friends outside of said friend group, but now i do!! and it makes me feel so happy, that i have so many friends i love so dearly yknow? but it makes me feel bitter that she doesnt like that

do you know how embarrassing it was? anytime i THOUGHT i had something good, id go and ramble happily about someone who i didnt realize id be LOSING in the next few months. embarrassing, shameful! but not this time

i guess me talking about it made her feel scared, but it upset me, because she got really upset when i told her i love all my friends equally.. i guess she didnt wanna hear that someone i met less than a year ago could be someone i love as much as her, which i get. i get how it sounds, but its not like that!! i love them UNIQUELY. she brings me things they dont, they bring me things she doesnt, im content and balanced and thankful for all of it

i handled it. poorly, i feel like i handled it poorly but i dont blame myself too much, im not known for this skill i guess. she started crying and it? it was like a joke at first but she was emotional cuz of the alcohol and it very quickly became not a joke, its the first time ive like.. heard her cry? and i felt bad that it was my fault and i really dont know how to comfort someone like that, its not a social skill i have upfront!!! over text its easy to collect my thoughts, but verbally? too much mental energy is being used on holding a conversation alone. but i also dont feel bad because its not WRONG for me to love my friends equally, i dont blame her for how she felt ofc

i didnt think i mattered so much to her, i guess. but she told me about it, and it made me... uncomfortable. like, TERRIBLY uncomfortable. thats why i did it, why i started focusing somewhere else. i came back suddenly, they were in the middle of playing a game and it felt so.. alien? like. it made me feel sick, this is my HOME and i felt like a stranger almost. i know 22 days isnt so long, but. idk, ive tried to keep in better contact, we are playing the games now, as we should!! but the truth is that after knowing it hurt her when i talked about my other friends, i just.. stopped talking about them, but i do things with them EVERYDAY, thats my day!! if i cant talk about them, i have nothing to say i guess

its bittersweet, ive sorta gotten back to being the unhinged loser they enjoy having around ig but i still dont talk as much as before, i dont want to because i dont wanna hurt her yknow? im HAPPY. im happy, so happy

she said she felt ashamed feeling the way she did, said she hates that shit but its still how she feels, i dont blame her. honestly?? its giving bpd like MY PERSONAL OPINION... with the way she described how she felt about me, i think shes one of us but. that adds a whole other layer, the discomfort i felt, is that how i make people feel? when im obsessed with them? when i feel like i cant exist without them? it feels so wrong to say things like this, shes my best friend, ive known her for years.. its just. we dont do emotions, i guess? and i think thats wrong of me cuz she expressed that she wanted it like that, she wanted to be open and vulnerable, and i didnt like it!!! we can do it over text sure, but.. sit and talk with me? she dmed me the other day saying like 'dommm we should vc, i wanna get drunk and have therapy again while you give me good advice'. i ignored her text, on purpose. usually its NEVER on purpose, if i dont respond you can bet like 100% i clicked the message, read it and then went back to what i was doing because i was distracted, or i have a really bad tendency of THINKING my replies and not actually sending them and being like yep. social interaction well done. but no, i ignored it on purpose. anytime she asks us "guys, yes or no..." i say no, cuz i know the question is if she should drink or not. i know she'll still drink anyways, i just leave early, pretend my new sleep schedule is the reason why, pretend im tired because it makes me uncomfortable still

im not good at it!!! i cant give her what she needs like THAT.. i cant have her sit there and tell me all her problems and cry, i CANT because i dont know how to handle it! like i genuinely have no idea how to handle that at all. over text i could probably manage just fine, but she wanted me to sit there, wanted my camera on and everything.. i felt like i really? i mean i TRIED, i did my best, i listened to her, i can always do that.. the problem is she wants advice, you will not get advice from me if im forced to physically speak. so i just feel like i let her down, yknow? i dont know

ive backed myself into a corner probably, im too scared to be open cuz she tends to forget the things she says when shes drunk, so maybe she doesnt remember telling me how she feels about me? i guess theres an added layer of discomfort, because like. when we were 18 i think? she drunkenly confessed that she had a crush on me and it felt really.. ive never seen her differently for that, you can absolutely trust. shes my best friend and i never pushed her away despite those feelings, i just had to tell her i didnt feel the same and it never came up again, and we've been fine! but, knowing how she feels about me now? it makes me uncomfortable because of that, its hard to describe. idk its a lot of mixed feelings!!!! nothing i could ever tell her, probably

and it made me feel horrible for all the times ive ever talked fondly about my friends, or the times i was breaking down so badly over them that i had no choice but to cry and wail in my channel, knowing literally only one of them probably would respond (which was true, they talked me thru it a little bit). thats where our emotional talk ends. i dont want to be emotional with someone i know physically, it stresses me out!!!! yes i love you so much, you are my entire world!! ill kiss yr hair and hands and we can cuddle, we can spend a whole day together and go out to eat, we can sit at home and play games, we can do all of it! but.. online its easy, im words on a screen. physically?

i hate to feel GUTTED. i hate feeling vulnerable, i hate feeling EXPOSED. that first time i went to therapy for fucking GENDER DYSPHORIA and our first session was *wasted*, wasted because i had to tell my mom that i wanted to kill myself. sinking in my stomach. all those times ive had traumatic response to them fighting, the fucking scars because of that, the times my family have seen the scars. IM TIRED imf ucking tired, i hate to feel that way. i hate being exposed i hate having my heart on display i hate it all!!! i hate someone knowing something about me, i wont let myself be pressured into sharing trauma and details, i want it SECRET. share yr trauma with me, thats FINE, but its like. idk i wanted that call to end to fast, it was completely out of my comfort zone and i feel GUILTY for that. im averse to change, i really hate change actually. i made a whole post talking about our dynamic and how i adored it, and then it was sorta flipped on its head? i stopped playing that little dragon game on roblox cuz i was playing that while we were talking and anytime i fly around looking for chests, the memory of that conversation comes back to me. i want to forget

we fit like a glove, we're back to how we always have been when we talk, but.. she mentioned it the other day. thats how i knew i was avoidant for 22 days, she told me she counted. i felt bad, cuz i hoped she wouldnt notice. i couldnt think of anything to say, other than "well.. i was monster hunting idk man" and she sounded upset with me when i said it. we moved on quickly but. im not made for that. what did she want me to say? whatever she wanted, i clearly didnt say it. idk i just feel lost, feel stuck and the worst thing?

i dont want to be exposed to anyone but them. like THATS the thing, maybe if i didnt have them then id be fine with it, but.. it makes me uncomfortable, feels like betrayal. they can see that side of me, no one else can because i dont WANT anyone else to. i trust them, i feel safe enough to be vulnerable around them, its a big step for me and one that i dont take lightly. its not her fault i dont feel safe, and lord knows i trust her!!! its just.. different. opening up is hard, i feel more.. understood? i guess you could say. idk its just. hard to describe. i love my friends so much, but my friendships are all UNIQUE and thats why i love them. talking to either is fulfilling!!! incredibly, in very different ways but still!

idk it just sucks i guess, it makes me sad that me talking about my happiness is a sore spot for her, ive never been happier in my whole life!!! but i know it probably hurts her that it wasnt her that gave me that happiness. theres nothing i can do about that!! she makes me happy in another way, one exclusive to her. we are so sillay in vc, its FUN i have so much fun with her, but i think that.. maybe by telling her that a while ago, i fucked up. i shouldnt have told her she was my BEST best friend, i shouldnt have i just get.. natural tendency to tell people what they want, avoid conflict.

it feels like it established an accidental conflict, one no one else knows about. did i make her think i loved her more than my friend? or my other friend? like it makes me sick, but you cant just BACK TRACK. i cant just say actually? like i love them also yknow. cuz that would hurt her probably, its like im fucked no matter what!!! sure we ahve good chemistry in vc, the best chemistry in that whole friend group when vcing, but? i used to refer to one of them as my spouse like. MUTUALLY, we were married platonically okay. the other one? i love him so much hes so silly and . GRGR like. i just hate this idea, but its all my fault it exists. no backbone. i love my friends EQUALLY. i have a lot of love to give everyone, it would hurt me so badly if i wasnt loved equally, thats why i love the way i do. i even told her, im INSISTENT with it. i refuse to love inequally, it would hurt people and i hate that!!! but. i hurt her regardless, its. IDK man its a lot im just airing this out, she'll never see this, none of them will. good

we can move on from this, we mostly already have. im just scared i might have to put my foot down a bit, and tell her that it made me uncomfortable, i dont want to put her in that situation but if we get there then we get there. we'll be okay im sure

#this is super long im just. need it out #idk how much sense this is making but #its. the whole thing is really mixed and complex alright its like neither of us is in the right #but neither of us is inherently wrong its #too much for my brain unfortunately

[blackvail22]

9/20/23 — 10:31am

"stop trying to talk to me while im on the phone! you never talk to me any other time"

i was in there for almost an hour because i wanted to talk to her about something, and she never got off the phone!! shes always talking to someone or she's asleep, and its so irritating. "stop trying to talk to me while im on the phone" while shes on the phone w her friend and they were not talking to each other. she talks to me when im on the phone, so why cant that apply to her? im tired of all of her one-sided rules just because "she's the parent, im the kid"... fuck that! i wish she would see me for more than a disability i *may* have. im so tired of it!! i dont want it to define me now, and i dont want it to define me if i get diagnosed.

i need her and my dad just a few steps out of my life, and maybe i'll be happy. i cant do that until im able to drive and have enough money to live on my own, so... oh, and my mom keeps doing everything in her power to *not* let me take my permit test, so im going to go insane!!!!

1:59pm

she keeps blaming me for everything im going to scream. the alcohol that my dad drank yesterday was 3 bottles of a 375mL, 21% alc./vol. (42 proof) drink! its one of those cheap ones you can get from the gas station. i keep flirting with my ex. he told our friend he "might" still like me, but every time i do it he just says "wat" which means 1. he didnt understand that i was flirting with him or 2. he did understand and was acting oblivious. i requested the wrong day off for work and i changed it in the app but when my boss accepted it it accepted the wrong day and not the changed day. im going to like scream and throw up. everything feels like its going downhill im losing my fucking mind. thank god i work with my friend today or else i would have a melt down at work. i am like so close to crying its not funny. i hate crying!!!! i hate crying sm. its good for me but i hate it! i need to put my medicine on the desk so i remember to take it every time i sit down or walk past it. i need to start taking it consistently again or else im going to keep going insane

also i go on vacation next month. i go on vacation next month and next month starts next week which means ITS SO CLOSE TO BEING VACATION AND I PLANNED TO MEET WITH MY EX AND I HAVE TO ASK MY PARENTS AGAIN IF WE CAN STOP ON THE WAY DOWN SO I CAN GO TO AN ARCADE WITH HIM IM LOSING ITTTT AKOIRGJLAKRGJALFKGJLRKAGJJKOI

i just took a screenshot by how hard i hit my keyboard lol

11:32pm

i just got home from work about an hour and a half ago. i had an okay day. i started to play roblox, though, since i wanted to play something that would make me feel better from earlier. when i tell you i met the nicest random ive met in a really long time, omg!! i was playing work at a pizza place and this person had this interesting house. it was called "pink hotel" and i wanted to see what it looked like, so i asked them if i could come inside and look around. it was SO COOL! i loved it sm, and the whole time the creator of the hotel was showing me around and stuff and we were talking and stuff. they had to go, but at the end they said "you are really cool to talk to, very understanding and enthusiastic" i almost fell to my knees

thats the thing i needed to hear tonight, this week, this year... like, i really needed to hear that

but the other part of me is yelling at me "if you were so understanding and enthusiastic and fun to talk to, then why dont you have many friends" and honestly, i couldnt tell you. im just going to take this win and run with it

[asakurahaos]

tw animal death, tw pet death

long vent/rant bc i need to sort my thoughts.

right. so, my family has a house in the village my grandpas from and we go there whenever we have time. and whenever we go there, our neigbours' cats flock to our yard.

two years ago one of the cats had kittens - and out of all of them only one survived. (theyre all outdoor/barn cats; no one even thinks of having a cat as a pet, or in the house at all, and dont really care for them)

well, that one came over to our yard for the past two years and he would be tangled in our legs before we could even get out of the car.

last week, my grandma and i stayed in the village while my parents went back to the city. hes there, bothering us for pets and food constantly, and other cats are laying about, relaxed. everything is fine until thursday morning.

i woke up and my grandma immediately mock complained about him not eating like usual (he always ate a lot) and said that the lazy ass wandered off to sleep like usually. he ate, bothered us, slept, ate, we bothered him, he slept... you get it. we didnt think anything was wrong at first.

then i found vomit on our porch. we thought it was one of the other cats - she ate a lot that morning, and shes the one who hunts most mice, so with the amount of vomit and a mouse in it, we figured it was her. but she seemed fine, and he didnt show up at noon, evening, night. he was always ready to eat, so him not showing up for an entire day was worrying.

then he didnt show up the next day either, and one of our neighbours came over to tell us another neighbour passed away, and while he was there he wondered where the cat was because he was unused to the cat not bothering him while he was there. grandma explained his not eating + vomiting + disappearance and the neighbour told us people use poison for mice and that the cat mustve eaten a poisoned mouse and got poisoned himself.

i tried to comfort myself: hes a young cat, decently sized, well fed. healthy. the mouse he threw up was nearly whole (if youre squeamish look away - the head and body were separated, but it seemed like he gulped down the entire thing in one bite, which wouldnt even surprise me if he did, and didnt look like it even started dissolving. it was like he swallowed it and threw it back up almost immediately). so, because of its state and him throwing up what seemed like everything he ate, i thought. maybe hes fine. maybe he didnt get poisoned. it shouldnt be possible when the mouse was nearly intact and he threw up everything... right?

and we waited and waited and expected to see him waiting for us either on our doorstep or in the shed where we feed him, like he did every morning since he was a kitten.

we returned home today (sunday afternoon) and were still hoping he will be there, tripping us up on friday afternoon, when we go back to the village. at this point, its been four whole days, and hes never been gone even half as long, but were hoping.

my grandma took it really hard, and its making me worry. i feel like mom is trying not to think about him, and im stuck between 'hes fine, hell return', completely ignoring the situation, and remembering him every time i start laughing or feeling positive and becoming sad, and crying over him and every other kitty weve lost, and all the kittens were inevitably going to lose soon.

on the other hand - a young cat(f) came to our yard for the first time yesterday, and another cat(m) we thought was dead showed up after months of not being there. hes so skinny its heartbreaking to look at (last we saw him, he was hurt pretty badly, which, along with his long absence, is why we thought he died). seeing him was bittersweet, since we love him too, and hes alive but hes so skinny + the timing of his return.

if hes dead i wish that it was quick. and im sorry that he was alone. if hes not, then im bringing him back home, fuck my allergies and apartment-cat trauma. the thought of never getting to bother him again or carry him like a baby and him never bothering us again.... i want him back

[bandsfvck]

I had a dream where I had gotten kidnapped. There was a creepy guy slowly following me in his car, he almost got out of his car at one point. I booked it around the corner to see a girl on her bike crying, she said she couldnt find her way home. I offered to help her and took her down the street and around another corner so I could lose the creepy guy following. As soon as we found the apartment one of the neighbors were leaving. I was trying to ask about her parents when 3 guys came around the corner holding guns. The guy in the middle didn't have his out, I could tell he must've been a leader. I look to the neighbor to look for help but I noticed she was carrying a gun as well. The little girl was just smiling. I realized that this was planned. I was alone in this, absolutely terrified. Then suddenly im in the car with the men and a different girl that was apart of their group. I heard them say a town nearby, I was able to pull out my phone and text my friend. I told him I had been kidnapped and he needed to come get me immediately. I checked my location and it showed I was in the middle of Montana. It would take my friend days to get to me. I realized I had to survive on my own for a while. But I quickly learned that they weren't going to keep me chained in some creepy basement. They let me go out as long as I was with one of them. They warned me that if I ever tried to run, scream or ask for help id be in major danger. But that's all I remember. I dont even know if my friend was able to get to me in time. I guess in that world im stuck there forever, living in fear, not having total freedom.

[theboyjtr]

For the past year and a half living in complete love with someone who has passed away. I now understand why nanny would say the things she did about being alone after losing pawpaw. I wondered for the better part of my life why she would'nt move on because this world is such a dismal place without love. Now, having lost my girlfriend Alyvia, who was and is still my muse of an absolutely beautiful true bestfriend from the moment we met till probably forever. Nomatter where how or when I wake up everyday longing for her, (if i can even manage to sleep) I now understand why nanny had bad sleep for such an old person, lol. After hearing this news, Im grateful i know my grandmas heart very well, after countless sleepovers falling asleep to fresh prince on the airmatresses and waking up to CMT music videos every morning to get me pumped up for a great day at school! I fell in love with music because of Nanny as well as love haha which i can say proudly she created the most hopeless romantic the world has seen. Im so grateful for the countless drives we all had together mostly maymay kayla cody and I really haha. Im so glad i got to cry to her last summer after Alyvia died. I sold my car to just fly in without notice and all I could do was cry no matter what state or city I found myself lost in looking for home because the only place i felt truly ever home was with Lyv. Nothing was helping heal this pain drowning me and in all honesty i came to Florida to tell everyone i loved them and give one last goodbye because this heartbreak is literally killing me. I remember when i was much younger nanny would go out on the porch at night and look at the stars and show me which one was pawpaw, because he was always the first star to come out at night and ever since then i always see pawpaw when i look at the stars. And shed always just say i just miss pawpaw here and there and i didnt get it then but wow. I can barely get a sentence out without it having something to do with Alyvia.

If i know my grandma like i think i do, the day her spirit left the body we know she'd been waiting for that moment in awe since the day pawpaw passed away. Love has now been refurbished and thats such a very beautful thing.

I think i kissed nannys forehead before i ran off that porch last time haha and im so happy i did.

I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your friends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were once that happy. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back.