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ah-ga-seven · 4 years

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Till’ The End Of Summer - Chapter 5

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Pairing: Choi Yeonjun x Reader

In a Nutshell: College!AU, Rich Kids, Friends to Lovers, Fuckboy athlete Yeonjun, Overprotective Best friend Soobin, contains all of TXT and other Idol cameos, Omnipresent perspective.

Synopsis: You and Yeonjun are caught up in a cat and mouse game because of unspoken feelings and endless pining for each others’ attention. With the summer break approaching and lots of college parties, will you finally get a chance to explore your feelings for each other; even though the world and Yeonjun’s reputation makes things complicated?

Word count: 5K.

Genre: Fluff, Angst.

Warnings: Mentions of a broken family, verbal and mental abuse.

A/N: English isn’t my first language, pls don’t come for me ;)

Yeonjun was sprawled out on your couch, lying down like a starfish. His attention completely focussed on his phone, as he scrolled through his endless Instagram feed.

You stood in your kitchen, occasionally staring at him as you cut up some fruits for the two of you to snack on. The sight of him being so comfortable on your couch made you reminisce to just days ago when you couldn’t even imagine him ever stepping foot in your home ever again.

But boy, how times have changed.

Just a week ago you were at the festival, where you argued, got hurt, and shared your first kiss. It all seemed like it happened months ago, but the reality of it all was the opposite. To be honest, being with Yeonjun made the time pass effortlessly, which is both a good and dangerous thing.

To your friends’ knowledge, both of you had made up and decided to leave your feud behind you. What they don’t know is that you are trying to make your relationship work behind their backs. You felt awful about lying to your friends, but you and Yeonjun both agreed that it would be better this way, so you can both figure out your feelings for each other before your friends get a chance to meddle in your business.

No one would be caught in the crossfires or have to pick sides if things ended up not working out, but with how everything was going in this week alone, you have to say that you don’t expect a negative outcome.

You’re falling, and you’re falling fast. Yeonjun makes you feel warm inside. He’s respectful, patient and the more you get to know him, the more you realise how similar the two of you are. You spent the past week having little dates at your place, just talking, eating, and watching movies or listening to music. He was careful though, not wanting to say or do the wrong thing or move too fast. He was afraid to scare you away if he would show all of his affection for you at once. So, he held back. Though as time passed, he started to not care anymore.

He loved how shy you got every time he stared at you or held your hand, kissed your cheek, or when he stole a quick peck from you when you’re focused on something else. The shock on your face is what got him going. He thrived from being in control and making you feel small. Because to him, you were adorable when you were flustered. Yeonjun had never been in a serious relationship or any type of relationship that went further than the physical stuff. With you, he had to start from the beginning. It made him nervous because he didn’t know how. He didn’t know when he was overstepping or when he was doing too little. To be honest, you just made him a nervous wreck. Although the same could be said for you. You can’t really explain it because you are comfortable around him but at the same time every single time you catch him staring, you want to run the opposite direction.

You look up from your cutting board to steal a glance from Yeonjun again but to your surprise, his form had left the couch. You were about to look around for him but before you knew it, you felt two arms snake around your waist. Startling you lightly.

“Hi,” he whispered in your ear while placing a soft kiss on your temple. You lean into him. Chuckling as you put a grape in his mouth, which he basically vacuumed inside with his pouty lips.

“Mmmh,” he moans in satisfaction, letting go of you to grab more of the grapes. “They’re so sweet,” he hummed. “Don’t say it…” you breathe, but you know him better than that. A smug grin crept on his face. “Almost as sweet as you” he teases, beaming at you knowing how much you cringe at his awful pickup lines and dad jokes. Moments like these made it seem like you were a married couple, but then again; you weren’t complaining.

You roll your eyes, playfully pushing him aside as you grab the plate of fruits. He follows you to your living room area and sits down on the couch while you sit down on the floor at your coffee table, folding your legs over each other to make yourself comfortable.

He looked at you funny, unsatisfied with the fact that you decided to sit so far away from him. “Are we strangers?” He scoffs grabbing your arm as he pulls you in his lap. You giggle as he starts to tickle your sides. He doesn’t stop there though as he tickles you without mercy, trapping you under him on the couch while he continues to taunt you. You gulp for air between your cackles and slap his chest to get him off.

“Y-yeonjun stop I can’t breathe,” you cry out and he gives in. Concluding the moment with a sloppy kiss on your lips which he deepens as he laces his slender fingers through your hair.

You close your eyes, getting lost in the moment, until your doorbell rings.

Your eyes widen and you push Yeonjun off, which earned you a glare.

“Shit” you hiss, straightening out your clothes while walking to your front door. You stand on your tiptoes to try and see through your peeping hole and you’re surprised to see Soobin standing in the hallway.

“It’s Soobin” you whisper-scream and Yeonjun’s eyes nearly roll back to the back of his head. “Why is he here.”

“I don’t fucking know, go hide!”

“Hide?” he cocks his eyebrow at you.

“Yes, Yeonjun. Hide” you say a little louder.

“Where?” He asks dumbfounded. You could tell he was annoyed, but this was part of the deal. No one would find out until the end of summer. Especially not Soobin.

“In my room, now gooooo,” you say as you push him into your room closing the door behind him, not giving him a chance to complain. You quickly skim your living room with your eyes trying to detect any evidence of male energy around but there was nothing to be found except for Yeonjun’s shoes, which you concealed by throwing your coat on top of it.

Soobin’s impatience got the best of him as he started knocking on your door again.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m coming,” you say in a sing-a-song voice.

You quickly make your way to the front door, opening it and welcoming Soobin with the most genuine smile you could manage to put on your face.

“Heeey” you greet him with a hug, you had to stand on your toes to properly hug him but you didn’t mind. Soobin smelled like clean cotton and Iris flowers, which made you melt into the hug a little. You had to admit, you missed him.

“Hey” he cooed. “Why do you smell like male cologne?” he questioned and chuckled, but the comment caught you off guard and panic was evident in your eyes. He noticed and laughed loudly.

“Chill, I was just kidding,” he says as he walks into your living room, plopping himself down on the couch in the exact spot where Yeonjun was lying just seconds ago.

The sight made you paranoid and your eyes dart to your bedroom door, but you quickly turn your attention back to Soobin. Trying not to make things too obvious.

“Not to be a dick, but why are you here?” You ask sitting down beside him.

Soobin cocked his eyebrow at you and he scoffs indignantly.

“I just missed you. You barely ask me to hang out anymore. How are you so booked and busy when it’s summer break,” he pouted. He spotted the fruit plate on your salon table and grabbed a handful of grapes, munching on them one by one.

“Ahh, I just-”

“Is it because of the whole Yeonjun thing that you aren’t coming over? Because I thought you made up? And he’s been missing as well, he’s barely home anymore so, it’s not like you’d run into him if it makes you feel that awkward…” Soobin says insinuatingly, looking at you. He was trying to read you and jumping to his own conclusions, but it somehow helped you since you didn’t know what to tell him anyway.

You just nodded, making him think he made the perfect assumption and you could tell he physically relaxed as his shoulders dropped a little.

“I just needed time,” you start. “But I’m okay now, I promise. I’ll come over tomorrow for game night with the guys and Mia.”

Soobin’s eyes lit up. “Really? Oh, the boys will be so happy.”

He clapped in his hands like a kid and gave you a beaming smile.

You couldn’t help but reciprocate the smile and you playfully nudged his shoulder.

“What are you doing? Wanna go get ice cream?” he asked looking at you expectantly.

“Uhm, I can’t, I have a family Skype call” you half-lie. You did have the Skype call, but not anytime soon.

“I can stay for that? We’re close,” he simply states.

“I also have to Mary Condo my closet,” you shrug. You need him out. And fast.

Knowing Yeonjun’s extra and impatient ass, it would take 5 more minutes before he’d blow your cover.

“I can help with that too.” Soobin’s persistent fiery side was showing. He could read you like a book and noticed how you wanted him out. Although he didn’t know why. He sat up, still staring you right in your soul waiting for you to respond.

“And have you going through my underwear? No thanks,” you joke light-heartedly but you noticed how he sensed something was off. He squinted his eyes at you and looked around your living room.

“Hmm, okay,” he said getting up. “Then…I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” He gave up. Knowing you wouldn’t give up either. The both of you could go at it for hours like this. But Soobin figured you needed space.

You followed him to your front door and he turned around on his heels, wrapping you up in a tight hug, resting his head on your shoulder. “Don’t be sad okay,” he sighs and your heart hurts at the sweet gesture. You hate having to lie to him but you know it’s for the best even though the guilt is eating at you in a moment like this.

But you knew that this was the only way Yeonjun and yourself were going to be able to explore your feelings for one another.

“I’m okay, I promise,” you say letting go off him and giving him a genuine reassuring smile. He smiled back at you and nodded.

“See ya,” he says as he opens your front door and walks out. You wave at him until he’s out of sight, strongly exhaling as you close the door behind you. You rest your forehead against the doorframe to organise your thoughts. Realising how much of a shitty friend you have been to Soobin lately.

You sigh and turn around throwing your head back, but as you pass the corner, Yeonjun was already standing in front of you, arms crossed while tapping his heel to your wooden floor.

“That took forever,” he huffs.

“Well, he knows me better than anyone Yeonjun, he knows I’m lying to him.” You brush past him, making your way to your kitchen to pour yourself a glass of water. You realise your tone might have been a little irritable, but it’s you who you’re frustrated with. Not him.

Yeonjun just studies you, leaning on your kitchen counter as he watches you chug the contents of your cup away.

You bite your lip, giving Yeonjun an apologetic look as you meet his eyes again. “I’m sorry.”

He stayed silent and rubbed his forehead. “When it’s just the two of us, it’s great. But I don’t wanna have to hide in closets and Anne Frank you, y/n. I want to take you out on dates. Show you off. Post you in my stories, all the dumb shit.”

“Well you came up with this whole deal yourself mister, and it’s been fun and all but I still barely know anything about your life outside of school and if I have to judge you based off of those stories then I’m not sure if I can trust you wholeheartedly," you explain softly, trying to avoid eye contact with him. You know his eyes are burning into you, so you just play with the rim of your cup.

“Why can’t you just see me for the person that’s standing in front of you right now instead of caring what other people have to say about me,” he says looking at you in disbelief. His tone was cold but most of all, he was sad and hurt.

It was almost like he took every win with a loss.

You were lying if you said it wasn't hard to trust him. But you also knew he had to earn it. The short week that you've been dating was way too short of a time frame to judge his sincerity off of, but when you're alone with him he's nothing like the person he is when he's with his friends. He's not as loud and boastful with you, but you're not sure if that's just a mask he's putting on for you.

“I want to” you say lost in thought. You didn’t even notice how Yeonjun got closer to you until he placed his hands on both sides of your face, making you look up at him.

“I don’t know how many times I have to assure you that I’m not going anywhere, but I’ll keep doing it if It makes you feel any better. The whole Yeji thing was a mistake, it shouldn’t have happened and I know that. But you promised that you would let that go and give me a real chance, but I don’t think you’re really doing that y/n. It’s unfair to me.”

You sigh, defeated. “You’re right” you admit.

Yeonjun shoulders fell, raising his eyebrows in surprise. “I am?”

“Yes, you are,” you roll your eyes and Yeonjun’s face lit up. He showed you his boyish smile and squished your cheeks together in his palms. “Good, because I blocked her number, unfollowed her, and unfriended her all together” he states proudly.

Your facial expression spoke for you and he chuckles. “Yes, for real,” he says reading your mind.

“It’s not like I would ever ask you to do that.”

“But you’re glad I did?” He asks snaking his arms around your waist, pulling you into his chest.

“I guess so...” you sigh, melting into his embrace.

You decided to chill for the day and watch a movie while the two of you were cuddled up under a blanket together. Luckily, you were both the type to talk through movies, debating why certain characters would do or say what they did. It was fun to pick each other's brain and you felt content and relaxed in his embrace. Every single time he chuckled, laughed , or hummed at your comments you felt his chest vibrate, sending shivers down your spine. His warmth was addicting and you can’t quite explain what it is but you felt safe.

Your mind went into overdrive for a second and you recall your little argument from this afternoon. It was insane to you how quickly both of you went from angry and worked up, to completely peaceful and content. You weren’t quite sure how Yeonjun brought the worst and the best out of you in such a short amount of time. Your mind flashes back to your argument about his lack of opening up to you and you start to wonder why sharing his troubles and feelings with you is such a hard thing for him to do.

You blinked a couple of times, not realising that you weren’t paying attention to what Yeonjun was saying so he nudged you a little. “Are you tired?” he whispered as his hands rubbed up and down patterns on your back to show comfort.

You look up at him and shake your head. “No, I was just thinking…” you say moving a strand of his hair from covering his eye.

“About what baby?”

Before you could open your mouth to speak, your phone started to ring. It was your scheduled family Skype call. It’s something your parents swore by, every Thursday night they would call you to check in on you, and see your face. Aside from the constant texting throughout the week of course.

You sit up. “I have to take this.”

Yeonjun looked at the caller ID and grabbed the remote to pause the movie.

You sit up, turning sideways so your back was leaning against the armrest of your couch, with your legs draped over Yeonjun’s lap so he’d be out of sight.

You fix your messy hair and answer the phone, putting on your sincerest smile as you see a blurry image of something that looked like a terrace.

“Dad?”

“Dad you need to turn the camera around, I can’t see you guys.”

“Oh honey, you never seem to get this right.” You hear your mom argue in the background and a smile crept on Yeonjun’s lips at the interaction.

You roll your eyes, chuckling as you finally see your parents’ faces.

“Hi sweetheart.” Your dad smiles at you fondly.

“Hey, how’s Italy?” you ask looking at the tans that both of them had developed, already knowing the answer.

“Amazing, but it would have been better with you here of course,” your mom says.

Your parents’ lifelong dream was to travel through Europe, and this year they finally got to turn that dream into a reality. They worked hard for it, and you wanted It to be something they did together, hence the fact that you decided not to join.

“See, you say that mom, but I don’t think you mean it," you and your dad start laughing while your mom innocently fails to see the humor.

“I mean it y/n” she pouts. “I miss you a lot.”

Yeonjun decided to occupy himself by grabbing his phone, going through his social media but in reality, he was listening to your conversation with your parents. He didn’t quite realise it in the moment but he was happy listening to your playful banter and the sound of your giggles. He has always longed for that type of affection from his parents. He longed for the same type of warmth in his family. The type of warmth that isn’t bought with a new car or other meaningless expensive items.

All he truly wanted from his parents was love. But they failed to give that to him in his upbringing, as they were never around, too busy with their careers to care.

The call with your parents didn’t last much longer due to a bad Wi-Fi connection on their end. You sigh as you put your phone on the table. Averting your attention back to Yeonjun.

“I’m sorry about that”

“No, no. Don’t apologise. That was really cute” Yeonjun says giving your thigh a small squeeze as he smiled at you.

“Cute? How so?” you chuckle genuinely confused.

“I mean that you have a cute relationship with your parents, that’s all,” he says calmly, grabbing the remote to press play on the movie again.

You frown, taking the remote control from him which made him lock eyes with you.

This was your chance to ask questions, and so you did.

“Don’t you?” You ask cautiously.

Yeonjun sighs. “I don’t wanna bore you.”

“No, please. You know you can tell me anything." You say grabbing his hand, rubbing those comforting circles on to the back of his hand with your thumb. The same way he always does with you.

He looks at your sweet gesture and his shoulders fall. He takes a deep breath and looks you in your big innocently sparkling eyes again and his whole body relaxes in an instance.

“My parents married each other out of a business agreement. I am just a by-product of a business deal, nothing more than that,” he sighs.

“How…could you say that?” Your heart breaks at his words, and suddenly a lot of puzzle pieces fall into place.

“That’s what my dad tells me.” He let out a bitter chuckle, but you couldn’t believe your ears and didn't believe his unbothered demeanor

“To the outside world, my life seems close to perfect but in reality, it’s far from it. I’ve always gotten what I wanted, sure. But no amount of money can buy someone’s love...I guess.”

How could someone so unbreakable and incredible as Yeonjun, carry around this much baggage? This much hurt and resentment. The people that were supposed to be his safety-net and the warmth that he is to you, were everything but that. They were cruel and abandoned him as a child. Your mind couldn’t fathom the reality of things. Yeonjun could have turned out a lot worse, and suddenly you thank god that he hadn’t.

He continued to explain how his desire of being the greatest in everything he does, is because all he wanted was to be noticed by his parents. That his efforts would earn a simple “I’m proud of you, son” or an even simpler. “I love you.”

You realize that his fear to commit comes from the fact that he doesn’t know what true commitment and love feels like, and as the realisation struck you. Tears start to fill the brim of your eyes.

You hear him sigh.

He was hurting, and the fact that he made this all seem as if it wasn’t a big deal hurt you even more.

“My mom is the better one out of the two, she checks up on me at least once a month.” He smiles that bitter smile again, looking up at the ceiling with his arms crossed.

“You and the guys are the only ones that sort of know about this by the way. I intend to keep it that way, I don’t want the campus to turn into a pity party for me,” he says absentmindedly. He didn’t know why he felt the need to clarify that, maybe it was the hyper-masculinity kicking in. Although he knew he could trust you with anything, he somehow still felt the need to justify himself.

As he sensed your lack of talkativeness, he looked at you. Startled when he sees tears spill from your eyes.

He sits up in panic, not knowing what to do. Not knowing how to deal with emotion.

“Wh-why. y/n, are you crying?” he asks, eyes getting sad as he launched forward. Placing his hand in your knee in comfort.

You sniff and wipe your tears with the sleeves of your shirt. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologise” he says pulling you into his chest, cradling you like a baby. “I’m okay, I promise. Please don’t cry for me. I made peace with it a long time ago.”

You sniff into his chest. “You shouldn’t have had to. You should have had parents who care about you. Parents that see you for the amazing person that you have become.”

“No, stop. I’m none of those things.”

Shit. This was a deep-rooted problem. A problem you weren’t sure how to start fixing. He thinks so little of himself, thinking he isn’t worthy of love and affection when the opposite was true. The meaningless sex was just a coping mechanism. An effort to find the warmth he longed for as a child. The warmth he still longed for right now.

You sit up, cupping his face, and littering his features with kisses. He melts in your touch, a soft giggle escaping his lips.

“Yes. You. Are” you say in between kisses.

He took your hands from his face, making your look up at him in confusion with your innocent doll-like eyes. He sighs, avoiding your gaze.

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” he says softly. And you nod in agreement.

You would never push him to open up to you more, and honestly, you weren’t sure you could handle more revelations at the moment. You were happy he told you what he did. It helped you understand him, and somehow it made your desires for him burn more passionately than ever.

He got up, stretching his body as he yawned. “I should get going, it’s getting late. I promised to teach Hyuka how to drive tomorrow,” he states.

He was running from more confrontation and you knew it, but you decide not to be clingy and give him the space he needs, even though every fiber of your being wanted him to stay. You decide to let it go.

You pout up at him and he chuckles, bending down to give you a passionate kiss on your lips. "Don't worry about me."

You nod and get up to walk him to your front door and watch his tall figure elegantly cascade around your small living room, retrieving his belongings. When he found his car keys, he turned back around to look at you and he melts at the sight.

You were playing with your fingers, eyes big and insecure. You wanted to hug him but you weren’t sure if he was up for more affection.

He hooked his pinky in yours, pulling you towards him as he envelops you in the tightest hug he could possibly give you without smothering you completely. He sniffed in your sweet perfumy scent that he loved so much and made the hug last a little longer than usual. He realised just how hard he had fallen for you in this moment. He didn’t want his dream-like blooming relationship with you to end before it started, but he also couldn’t help but think that you deserved someone better than the emotional fuck up that he is.

You deserve someone who can love you back with the same amount of love that you give, and he knew all too well that he had a long way to go before he could give you anything close to the emotional stability that you deserved.

You stood on your tip-toes and pecked his lips once more. Yeonjun sent you a sweet smile, caressing your cheek with his thumb before he turned the knob to your front door.

“Text me when you get home” you yell after him, but he didn’t respond.

As Yeonjun turns the corner of your apartment building he can’t help but drag himself down with his emotional state. The conversation with you unlocked memories that he had locked away. His mind starts to find more and more reasons as to how you deserve better than him. How he could never be enough for you and how he could never truly promise that he wouldn’t hurt you no matter how much he cared for you.

He was fucked up, and no one better than Yeonjun himself knew that trying to get you to love him was the most selfish thing he could have done.

Yeonjun opened the door to his expensive car, sliding into the drivers’ seat, starting the engine at the same exact time as the skies started to cry. It looked like a scene out of a damn movie.

Rain was falling like there was no tomorrow but he couldn’t get himself to drive off. He threw his head back. Listening to the loud sound of thick raindrops attacking his windshield in a rapid tempo.

His mind flashes back to the night before he left for college.

Yeonjun packed his bags with loud music blaring through his Airpods. He was feeling extra productive and he had almost finished packing all of his necessary belongings.

His father walked in, startling Yeonjun and snapping him back to reality as he took out one of his Airpods to listen to what his father had to say.

"Aren't you supposed to be gone already?" His father said picking up a picture from one of the boxes situated on his bed, scoffing as he looked at the picture of Yeonjun and his friends as he put it back into the box.

Yeonjun rolled his eyes. "I'm leaving tomorrow."

"Good, I was going to turn this room in to a gym." his father huffs

Yeonjun clenched his fists, trying to hold back his anger. "I don't know why you bother talking to me if this is how you're going to act." Yeonjun says, knowing he's probably going to get a verbal beating in return for his smart mouth but his dad just laughed at him.

"You're right. Just remember who's paying for your education smart-ass."

"What's going on?" his mother emerged from the entrance of Yeonjun's bedroom as she heard them argue.

"Nothing," his dad replied looking at Yeonjun. "Nothing at all."

A sudden surge of anger jolted through Yeonjun’s body as he snaps back to reality, and in response he hit his steering wheel as hard as he could multiple times in attempt to release his anger. Tears start to prickle his eyes at the bitter memory and he decided to let go. Drowning himself in the sorrow he felt and carried with him.

He cried for the first time in what felt like forever. Letting go of all his resentment and pent up frustration as he wept with his head hung low on his steering wheel.

If only money could buy happiness.

Chapter 6

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pixelated-pogues · 4 years

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All in My Head (j.b)

Inspired by: All in My Head by Tori Kelly Requested: No, but it’s the first time in two weeks that I’ve been inspired to write a fic, so I thought I’d go for it. Summary: You’ve been crushing on your best friend John B for ages, and thought that his feelings were reciprocated, only to be blindsided when another girl comes into the mix. Warnings: Swearing, stray’s from what happened in the show, angst --------------------------------------- I see you with her and it crushes me inside guess I should stop thinkin’ about you all the time

I walk into the Wreck, Kie’s arm slung carelessly over my shoulder as we laugh about JJ and Pope’s childish bickering over who would could sweet talk their way out of getting in trouble with cops.

“Pope, you’re so by the book that you’d end up confessing everything to them before they could question anyone else. You can’t convince me otherwise,” JJ argues, a sassy look on his face. I shake my head at their pointless banter, tuning out Pope’s rebuttal as my eyes scan the room to search for John B. My heart rate spikes at the thought of him, eyes trailing over everyone in the restaurant before landing on him. Confusion floods my system, my heart dropping at the sight of him seated at a table with Sarah Cameron, his arm lazily draped over the back of her chair while she giggles at something he said.

I want to tear my eyes away from them, pushing down the hurt in my chest, but I can’t. All I can think about is the way John B is looking at her, touching her, in the same way he has been with me.

“Y/n, are you alright? You look like you saw a ghost,” Pope asks, keeping me from completely sinking into myself. Kie nudges me slightly, a concerned look on her face as the three of them stare at me.

“Y-Yeah, yeah, I’m good,” I stutter, forcing a convincing smile. “I was just zoning out.”

“You’re always zoning out,” JJ jokes, Pope joining in on his laughter before they rowdily move through the crowd to get to the table with John B. I move to follow after them, but Kie’s hand meets my wrist, stopping me from moving any further.

“Are you sure you’re okay? I wasn’t exactly expecting to see John B ogling over Sarah either, but I also don’t have the same feelings for him that you do,” she questions, hinting to the nights we’ve stayed up talking about him.

“I’m fine, Kie,” I state with a small shrug, straightening up at the sight of her unconvinced expression. “I promise.” I rest my hand on her shoulder, giving it a small squeeze before taking a breath and stalking toward the table.

“Took you guys long enough, I’m starving,” JJ groans upon our arrival at the table. I fake a laugh, moving to take a seat next to him, ignoring the fact that it’s seated across from Sarah.

“You’re so dramatic,” Kie tells him, finding the empty seat next to me. “You guys just sat down.” I muster a laugh with the rest of the group, fiddling with my silverware as I stare at the menu in front of me in an attempt to keep my focus on anything other than the couple sitting in front of me. Everyone falls into typical conversation in front of me, Sarah easily fitting in with the group dynamic, while I remain quiet, adding small comments whenever my name is brought up.

“Okay so, you made it sound like there was an urgent reason for meeting you here,” Pope begins, after the waiter took our order.

“Yeah,” JJ agrees, leaning closer to the center of the table and lowering his voice. “Is it about the 4 mill?”

“No,” John B responds, a light laugh falling from his lips. “It’s 400 mill, by the way, and it has nothing to do with that.”

“Then why was it so urgent?” Pope pipes back in, leaning back in his seat.

“I guess it wasn’t,” John B replies, shooting Sarah a soft smile. My heart lurches at the endearing look in his eyes, before he turns to meet my gaze briefly. “I was just tired of hiding it.”

“Hiding what,” I question, dread filling my system. I mentally prepare for his answer, knowing full well that he’s talking about Sarah. Why else would she be here?

“I know it’s weird timing, but,” he pauses, smiling as Sarah sends him a reassuring look. “we’re together.” Sarah smiles brightly at his statement, slightly leaning closer to him. I stare at the two of them in shock, trying to mask the hurt radiating from my chest. I take notice of the way John B refuses to meet my gaze, taking time to soak in everyone else’s reaction.

“No shit,” JJ laughs, taking a sip of his drink. “Welcome to the dark side, Cameron.”

“I’m not sure what you see in him, but welcome to the group,” Pope adds, leaning forward so that he could make eye contact with Sarah.

Kie mumbles her own congratulations before her hand moves to rest on my thigh, squeezing it reassuringly. I shoot her a quick nod, my lips curving into a lighthearted smile.

“That’s really great guys,” I tell them, smiling at the happy look on Sarah’s face. The conversation shifts to everyone asking them questions about their relationship while I silently contemplate how I can casually leave without raising any suspicions. The sight of Sarah and John B curled into each other across the table from me putting a bitter taste in my mouth.

Maybe this is what I needed Maybe this is a sign Maybe I’ve been blind to reality

“I think we need to have a celebratory night on the HMS Pogue. Give Sarah a sneak peak of what it’s like being a pogue,” JJ announces, turning to face the group as we walk out of the Wreck.

“I’d love that,” Sarah agrees, John B’s hand slipping into hers after he let go of the door. I inwardly cringe at the affection, remaining silent as everyone else agrees.

“Y/n, you down,” John B asks, addressing me for the first time since we’ve been together. He holds a light expression, his eyes hopeful as they bore into mine.

“Oh, um,” I pause for a minute, silently weighing my options. “I can’t tonight. My mom needs help doing inventory at the shop.” It isn’t a lie. Friday nights are inventory days, but that’s never been a responsibility that she’s given me. She knows that my Friday nights are spent with my friends, and she likes to respect that rather than making me work.

“Really? I’m sure you can get out of that, your mom never asks you to work on Friday’s,” I inwardly roll my eyes at Pope’s statement, silently cursing him for bringing it up.

“Really,” I lie, checking my watch. “Amanda and Avery called in so I’ve got to be there. I should probably get going.”

“We’ll see you later then,” John B hums, his shoulders dropping in defeat. “We can come pick you up when you’re done if you want. Maybe have a bonfire on the beach?”

“Don’t worry about that, I’ll be there pretty late. You guys have fun tonight,” I dismiss his offer quickly, simply wanting to go home and wallow by myself for awhile. Everyone drops the subject, Kie giving me a tight hug before we all bid our goodbyes. I watch as they all pile into the van, waving one last time before spinning on my heels to start the trek back to my house.

My shoulders slump as soon as the van is out of my line of sight. Images of John B’s arm casually draped over Sarah’s shoulder’s replaying in my head.

I feel so stupid. Of course he didn’t like me back. We’ve been best friends for years, nothing more. Obviously I thought too deeply of the soft moments we’ve shared the past few months.

Every little glance my way Every time you wanted to hang You seemed so interested Could you tell me, was it real or was it all in my head?

I mentally scold myself, feeling so stupid at the thought that John B actually felt the same way about me. He made me feel so sure of it. The way that his eyes always lingered on me longer than anyone else, his hands always dancing across my skin delicately whenever they could, our late night conversations under the stars tucked into each others arms as the hammock swayed with every gentle movement, how time always seemed to escape us when we were together, and so many other aspects of our friendship had me completely convinced that he liked me too.

It always felt so real with him. Somehow he always made having a safe place seem easy. The quiet moments we shared with or without the other pogues around always had my mind reeling at the unspoken agreement that I felt we had when it came to our feelings for each other.

Now I’m sitting here, sulking in my bedroom alone while he’s with someone else, feeling completely embarrassed and stupid for thinking that we were anything more than friends.

I fall asleep, caught in a mental battle of trying to decipher whether the way his feelings always seemed to match my own was real or simply a concept that I made up in my head.

----

She’s so pretty, you two look so great Time for me to move on now It was probably just a silly crush anyway

Kie’s knee knocks against mine as she sits down in the empty spot next to me, the fire in front of us casting shadows against her soft skin. I shake out of my daze, pulling my eyes away from the flames to focus on her. A tipsy smile etches on my face at the sight of her gentle expression.

“You okay?” My smile falters at her question, eyes falling on the couple cuddled against each other on the other side of the fire. “You’ve been quiet all night.”

“I’m fine,” I nod, taking a sip of the beer in my hands. I bump my shoulder with hers softly. Trying to lighten my own mood. “I’m just trying to get used to seeing them together is all.”

“Me too,” she responds, toying with the bottle in her own hands. “How are you doing with all of this?”

“Not great,” I admit, averting my eyes to the sand beneath our feet. I push my hair away from my face, gathering my thoughts for a minute. “I mean, she’s gorgeous and clearly makes him so happy but seeing them together makes me feel sick to my stomach.”

“Y/n,” she pouts, a sympathetic look crossing her features.

“It’s okay,” I assure her, waving it off. “It was probably just a silly crush, but it’s going to take time to move on.”

“I’ll be here through it all,” she promises jokingly, but I can hear the seriousness in her tone. “I like Sarah, but John B is an idiot for not seeing what he’s missing with you.”

“Yeah,” I chuckle, my eyes hesitantly moving to look at him again. “He is.” I’m surprised to catch his eye when I look across the fire. Sarah was engrossed in a conversation with Pope whle John B’s focus steadied on me. He shoots me a soft smile, his eyes twinkling when I return it. My heart rate speeds up momentarily, a sense of longing settling in my chest before his attention goes back to the girl enveloped in his arms.

But I just can’t help but think That we, we could have had something Have I really been blind to reality? Baby tell me

I blink allowing my thoughts to wander as Kie stands to grab another drink. The small interaction with John B causing my mind to reel with endless scenarios and memories of what we used to be.

“We’re always going to be close, right?” I murmured into the silence of the room, my voice carrying for a moment.

John B shifted me so that I was facing him, his arms never leaving their position curled around my waist.

“Of course we will,” he promised, his breath fanning over my face. “You’ll always be my girl.” My heart hammered in my chest at the way the phrase rolled off of his tongue so easily. Him vocalizing that he sees me as “his girl” enough to make me putty in his arms.

That was the turning point in our friendship for me. The moment that the soft glances and one on one’s were more than just two friends hanging out. It seemed that he had that understanding too, he always wore a content smile when I was around, humming whenever my skin so much as brushed his.

All things considered, feeling as though my feelings were reciprocated didn’t feel so silly. It seemed like we had something going on after that moment, and I can’t help but get lost in the thought of what we could have been.

I shake myself out of the rabbit hole of thoughts threatening to pull me under, not wanting to get caught in the mind games. Maybe we were something, or maybe we could have been, but his choice is apparent.

Rather than focusing on what we could have been I begin focusing on who I want to be without him.

-----------------------------------------------

A/n: Hello! This is the first fic that I’ve written and posted in a HOT minute. It’s kind of short, and definitely isn’t my best work, but I was inspired by the song so I thought I’d give it a try.

I hope you guys like it! Feel free to give feedback if you want. Thanks for reading!!

Taglist: @jjtheangel @thelocalpogue @kitluvs1 @lavenderpopeficrecs @maaybanks @thatsme-johnbookerroutledge @drewstarkey @maybankdreams @ssjiara @bluebirdsbluebells @spilledtee @outcrbanx @maebanks @poguemacking

If you want to be added to my taglist, feel free to let me know!

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iwritethat · 4 years

Text

Batboys: Rogue One

A/N: This was the start of a series, so I’ll put it out and if you want me to add the rest/continue hit up my inbox. lol guess who got inspired by Fast Five.

Also I finally got Instagram! Not relevant but it’s new to me.

>>>>——————————>

"I know someone who can help."

"In this situation? Doubtful."

Ignoring the complete lack of faith his brothers demonstrated toward his unnamed ally, he chose to contact them anyway. Which was a chore in itself considering the company they kept.

"This is a private line how the fu- ooh, hey richboy~” It began with irritation and strain as his friend was apparently riding their custom motorbike, but the tone became sassy once noticing the caller despite the sharp shots in the background.

"Sorry to FaceTime you like this (Y/n) but I need your - are they gunshots?!" He flushed at the playful nickname, but soon became worried for your safety even if you weren't exactly consistent friends.

"Yeah, anyway what's up I'm not in the best place to chat right now." Your voice cracked over the monitor but remained steady, your helmet hiding any expression as you evaded fire at a prediction of over 90mph.

Such a enigmatic character was enough to silence his brothers who now couldn't shift their gaze from the monitor, meanwhile Tim explained the whole situation to you.

"Look I don't think my help is the kind you want, and besides I'm in Miami Beach dealing with my own problems."

"That's actually perfect! Our guy is over there right now, we'll meet you and I'll text you the details."

"Drake I swear to -" And he hung up, silencing your frustrations, next turning to find the shocked expressions of his elder siblings.

"Who the heck was that?!"

Tim only sighed at the similar questioning, though he'd expected it considering your unlikely relationship.

"(Y/n) (L/n), a... friend."

——

The rays of Miami would be bathing the trios skin if not for the shade of the outdoor bar, Tim had barely managed to confirm your attendance and his brothers were growing inquisitive with the passing time.

"Alright, in all honesty - how did you even cross paths with your friend, you're literally opposites." Dick curiously inquired, sipping his drink.

"Right? Tim shouldn't know someone like that, (Y/n) is my kind of person." Jason added, referring to your similarities that Tim certainly didn't exude, especially when you originally met. Though Tim only rolled his eyes out of mild irritation.

"It's really not important -"

"That story involved a con, drag races, a gala and a rich boy. Maybe you'll get it out of us one day, but not today." A smug yet charming voice answered, one unfamiliar to 2/3 of the vigilantes.

Halting in your graceful glide beside Tim, he longingly embraced your figure immediately much to your surprise but you laughed none the less. He pulled away slightly, hands moving to your waist as he spoke to you with a spark his brothers hadn't seen before and they quickly coughed to make their presence known. Tim immediately flushed out of embarrassment, gently releasing you and making necessary introductions.

"This is (Y/n) (L/n), and these are my brothers, Jason and Rich-"

"Richard Grayson, thank you for coming (Y/n), it's a pleasure to finally meet you." The eldest interrupted his brother, gently grasping your hand to place a kiss to your skin.

However you raised a brow rather than flush like he'd anticipated, quickly flipping your hand over and pulling his knuckles to your lips thus reciprocating the greeting which only flustered the man much to Tim's amusement.

"The pleasure is all mine Richard."

"Ah - um, Dick is fine, you can uh - yeah call me whatever."

Jason never really bothered with getting to know fleeting allies to the point of continuing communication after a mission, but with that little stunt you had his full attention. He liked you already and Tim could tell by the quick up and down flick of his gaze and the genuine appeased smile that followed.

——

They needed to get into Black Masks personal documents which required a handprint due to high security measures, you'd recalled that from the briefing Tim had given when trying to coax you into joining them and you understood the importance of preventing a gang war. Your friend had gone to scout the area leaving you with his brothers, he was the eyes of the operation to minimise suspicion and give relevant information on numerous targets.

"The handprint can be on any object right?" Your head tilted as more than 30 minutes had passed without any progress as you remained seated with Dick and Jason drinking as well as getting acquainted.

"We can't exactly take the chair with us, nor his glass because no man is getting close enough with that level of security. We don't have time to wait it out either." Dick explained, giving an exasperated sigh before looking to you with a curious expression.

You were silent for a moment, analysing the entrance and where Sionis' gaze lingered then a proud smirk befell your lips.

"Maybe you shouldn't let a man do a woman's job."

"What do you..." Jason flicked to you, his attention instantly captivated as the kimono slid down your shoulders revealing your stunning figure in a ravishing bikini with confidence that'd be enough to make any man drop to their knees. Or in Jason’s case, derail their train of thought. Leaving your shawl on the table, now making your way over to the bodyguards and your target with the art of seduction in every stride and a hand running through your hair. The False Facers moved to block your entrance, implicating how you did not have the authority to be here but you'd captured the gaze of Roman who'd studied your body language before personally escorting you inside himself.

"I think I'm in love." Jason muttered, the pair watched whilst you perched on the arm of Masks chair, legs crossed and leaning forward as he spoke with a flirtatious laugh here and there - his hand making its way from your lower back to your ass. Now you wanted to slap him, but by god you needed that handprint as your fingers edged toward his glass. Within an hour you walked out empty handed, somewhat frustrated - the waiter had taken the empty table wear, Roman not ordering another or touching anything steal-able. Though not the cause of your overthinking, you had your own reasons for talking with Mask for so long.

Upon your return, you met your rag tag team at the designated rendezvous point after getting pulled aside by Tim on your way to change clothes explaining how you'd managed to get the handprint despite original perceptions. Smoothly you pulled up to the local cafe on your motorcycle, walking to the outdoor table that already had (preferred drink) before an empty seat.

"Thanks Timbers~"

"How'd you know it was him? I could've taken a very well educated guess." The biker smirked, leaning forward in feigned offence.

"Huh, where was that logic an hour ago?" You sassily remarked, matching his smug gaze and referring to your more applicable initiative when attaining prints.

"Well Jason spent the whole time looking at your assets so he was out of commission." Dick chuckled, nudging the broader shoulders of his brother who only rolled his eyes, turning away to hide his blooming skin thus ending your little contest.

"More like keeping an eye on where that bastards hands were going." The underlying protectiveness in the rebel was endearing but you it shrugged off.

"I'm used to it."

"You shouldn't have to be." Now that mutter from Jason caught you off guard too, you were sure you misheard him, as were his brothers.

"What?"

"Nothing. How'd you manage it then smartass?" Jason brushed off their knowing smirks, nodding to you in curiosity but it wasn't until you handed Dick a plastic evidence bag did they realise.

"What's wrong, never handled ladies panties before Dick?"

"None that didn’t end up on my floor, and I was hoping you wouldn’t be an exception (Y/n)." Dick smoothly replied, putting the bag containing your bikini bottoms away to scan the print from them later much to your amusement.

"Always have a back up plan don't you." Tim mischievously quipped, likely speaking from past shared experiences but you couldn't help the genuine smile that graced your lips.

“That why you haven’t caught me yet richboy?” You playfully winked at him, though Tim only shook his head with a light laugh.

"We're heading back to Gotham tomorrow, would you like to come with us?" Dick inquired once friendly conversation had died down, Tim offered a hopeful glance but dared not ask you himself.

"I don't have anywhere -"

"Manors got plenty of space (Y/n), room next to mine is free." Jason stretched as he spoke, Dick sending a pointed but cunfused glance at his nonchalance. Did that mean Jason would be staying too?

"I do have business in Gotham, so if you'd have me I'll pay you."

“I think after your spontaneity, it’s free. Plus a friend of Tims is a friend of ours.” The eldest offered a sincere grin, one that conveyed his unspoken gratitude too.

“Is breakfast included?”

“I can whip up some cereal for us.” Dick hopelessly shrugged, Tim smirking as he added his own addition.

“I know exactly how you like your (tea/coffee/other) in the morning (Y/n).”

“Tch, don’t listen to them just knock on my door if you’re up earlier than me and I’ll cook whatever you want alright?” Jason stood up, giving you a wink before heading back to his motorcycle with little more than a lazy salute.

Dick and Tim exchanged confused glances, though the latter more interested in your reaction to his brothers unusually generous offer...

How could you refuse?

#dick grayson #jason todd #tim drake #dc #dc imagine #batboys #batfam imagine #dick grayson imagine #jason todd imagine #tim drake imagine

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metalbatandzenko · 4 years

Note

18. What is a line/scene you’re really proud of? Give us the DVD commentary for that scene.

oof this one is gonna be so long™ so it’s going under the cut.

Let’s talk about the slow dance scene in Hidden Horns. Specifically Badd and Garou’s slow dance.

First thing is that this scene actually got written before most of the rest of the fic. It wasn’t originally going to be part of HH, I wrote it bc I was listening to Orville Peck’s album Pony, and when this song came on, I thought it sounded like a fun song to slow dance to. It also made me yearn but that’s besides the point.

Anyways let’s get into it.

Badd guided Garou’s hands to his hips. “‘m not a kid like Zen is, y’can hold me.”

Garou blinked, doing his best to focus on anything other than the warm weight of Badd’s hands on his shoulders or the feeling of Badd’s hips between his hands.

Garou’s a disaster. If you’ve ever seen middle schooler’s slow dance with the stiff zombie arms, that’s basically what he was doing. Which if you’ve ever been in that position, you know it’s not super comfortable for either party, nor is it sustainable bc of that.

But putting his hands on Badd’s hips might have been even more dangerous to Garou. Badd’s kind of a walking contradiction: he’s gruff but he’s sweet, rough but also gentle, muscular yet graceful. Garou’s kind of been seeing that first hand, but now he’s feeling it for himself in the way Badd moves and the feeling of muscle shifting under his finger tips.

There’s also the implied trust that Badd is showing in draping his arms around Garou’s neck on both ends. They’re both putting themselves in a vulnerable position where the other could easily overpower them if they strike first. Their willingness to be in this position with one another is kind of part of the evolution of their dynamic.

I left a lot of that unsaid both because of the fact that having that analysis mid fic kind of kills the pacing and fic. Also this is done in the rhythm and tempo of Roses Are Falling, and while it’s a slow song, it’s not at a standstill.

“Back on the run,”

“Her reflexes are scary fast,” Garou remarked.

“Back to the blue…”

Badd chuckled. “Yeah. Sometimes she’s too fast even fer me t’track.”

One of the reasons I decided to put this scene in HH versus saving it for another fic is because of the lyrics of the song. There’s some fun foreshadowing and parallels between what is happening and what the lyrics are saying that I thought would work really well for this fic.

I also think this works well as a little nod to the actual canon of OPM and a potential way their relationship could evolve from here. So we get the compare and contrast throughout the passage of where the characters in HH are versus where their canon counterparts might be.

“Roses Are Falling” is, by Orville Peck’s own admission, a song about “loving someone so much you kind of want to kill them.” While I don’t think Badd and Garou have that kind of relationship, I think there’s some truth to the lyrics and this idea of being isolated together, which we also see in “Kansas Remembers Me Now” and “Big Sky”, the two other Orville Peck songs featured in this section.

Zenko’s a pretty safe topic for the boys to discuss. Badd can talk about her for hours on end, and Garou adores her. If they have one spot of common ground, it’s Zenko.

“Winning is fun,”

“She’s gonna pass you up soon,” Garou said.

“Losing is, too…”

Badd gave him a confused look.

“You know, in terms of athletic abilities.”

“Roses are fallin’, roses from fallin’ for you,”

Badd smacked Garou’s neck, feigning offense, but Garou saw the small smile on his face.

Slow dancing is incredibly intimate (even in a platonic setting. Platonic slowdances still require a lot of trust and vulnerability). Especially for two people grappling with unspoken feelings like these two idiots.

Garou definitely feels that tension at this point and tries to diffuse it in a way that’s worked for them in the past: by jokingly poking fun at Badd.

The lyrics here felt fitting to me. The two of them are highly competitive, but they’ve gotten to a point where just the act of being together is more important than winning. They kind of verbally spar for a lot of their relationship, but here we see them just enjoying each other’s company.

“Ooh…”

The two swayed at an arm’s distance.

“The ache inside the hate–I found a way to sit and wait, and now I can’t: your voice–your face–without a trace–I’ll wait for you…”

“‘s awkward swayin’ this far apart,” Badd huffed.

He pulled Garou close enough that their noses almost touched.

For much of their friendship, Badd’s been the one acting as the initiator. He suggests the sleepover, he cooks for Garou, he introduces truth or dare, which becomes their coded language for opening up, etc. It makes sense for him to be the one to initiate here.

Garou in HH has pretty much the same backstory as he does in canon, he just didn’t go off the rails because he met Tareo earlier. But it was important to me to make sure the fact he still didn’t know how to interact/make friends his age was front and center. He doesn’t initiate many of the “friendship milestones” because he doesn’t know what to do. All this is new ground for him.

The fact Badd even wants to be his friend is unprecedented and completely unexpected to him.

Of course, this doesn’t mean he doesn’t initiate anything. He takes Zenko to school so Badd can heal, he meets Madame Oshitani, he asks Badd how he’s feeling and offers his ear when it’s clear something’s bothering him.

Badd is very intentional about how he goes about interacting with Garou because he knows Garou’s never had a friend like him before. Garou by contrast, does things just to be helpful and worries about being a good friend/if he’s doing it right, not realizing he’s already being a good friend.

Garou’s normally so direct and unabashed, so having this spot where he’s more self-conscious and awkward is a fun reversal. And it’s pretty canon compliant given how he interacts with Tareo.

We see them kind of switch roles later, where Garou takes the lead during their orange chicken talk.

The lyrics here have two roles: it kind of mimics how I think their canon relationship could progress like I mentioned earlier (from hate to irritation to begrudging respect and love) but also shows their unspoken fear of what could happen in HH: they blow up and each becomes a face that the other can’t forget, but can’t go back to.

It’s not a fear that has gotten addressed super directly thus far, (we see a little bit in the upcoming chapter) the closest being the non-conversation the two have about what is left unsaid.

“Roses are fallin’ for you…”

The first thing Garou noticed was how good Badd smelled. Seems his sleep addled brain hadn’t been wrong after all.

Garou is in Gay Panic™ mode here.

I described Badd in an earlier chapter as smelling like aftershave and freesia. I wanted to give him a smell that kind of combined his classic style with something gentler, and more sweet.

Freesia is usually a smell in women’s perfumes, but it’s one I think he’d appreciate. And I don’t see him being one to give a fuck about gendering smells.

“You…”

Badd draped his arms around Garou’s neck and averted his gaze.

Garou watched in wonder as Badd’s lashes fluttered.

Up as close as he was and borderline drunk off how good Badd’s smelled, Garou stared unabashedly at his face.

He looked so, devastatingly beautiful.

Garou staring here is kind of a callback to the conversation they have early on about Garou ogling at Badd/Badd making fun of him for it.

There’s an openness here that’s different than the last time Garou really looked at Badd. Before, he was admiring him and his power. Here, we see him taking in a more delicate side of Badd, and Badd just letting him look at him. We’re seeing him take in Badd’s lashes, and calling him beautiful. It’s a new facet of who Badd is, and a new contradiction for Garou to grapple with: powerful, yet delicate.

If you’ve ever been with someone and you’re standing next to one another and you can see them staring at you from the corner of your eye and you keep pretending to look out at something in the distance because it’s easier than making eye contact and having to sort out what that gaze means, that’s essentially what is happening here.

Badd’s aware Garou’s staring at him, and he knows why. But he’s not ready to meet his gaze yet. Especially not if Garou himself isn’t ready.

“Under your skin, over the moon…”

He prayed Badd wouldn’t look up so he could continue to look at him.

“Don’t let me in, I don't know what I’d do…”

Because if Badd did, and Garou saw what he thought he would in Badd’s eyes, it would devastate him.

This is a callback to Garou refusing to make eye contact when he’s laughing about Badd’s indignation over pigeons because he knows whatever Badd’s gaze holds will devastate him.

Garou equally fears the two ways it will devastate him. Either he looks up, sees the warmth in his gaze, and falls for Badd, only to find out his feelings aren’t reciprocated, or his feelings are, and he’s thrust into a new landscape to navigate that leaves him vulnerable and exposed, and threatens to tear apart their friendship.

In Ch.9/What’s Left Unspoken, I originally planned on having a metaphor that kind of embodied that second fear. Garou can almost picture a strand of spider silk connecting him and Badd. Something so delicate and new, that he almost didn’t want to acknowledge it. Because doing so would cosmically shift their dynamic, and if that thread got severed, it could threaten their whole relationship. I ended up cutting it because I couldn’t get the metaphor quite right and it brought the chapter to a standstill.

“Roses are fallin’, roses from fallin’ for you…”

Badd began to turn his head, but before their eyes could meet, Garou looked away.

“Ooh…”

Garou could feel Badd’s gaze raking over him. From the corner of his eye, he saw his lips part.

Here we’re seeing that fear controlling Garou a bit. He doesn’t know what’s in Badd’s gaze, and he thinks if he avoids it, he can avoid the change in their dynamic all together.

But some part of him wants to know, and is screaming for him to turn his head, potential consequences be damned.

“You know, darling, you bring out the worst in me…”

Garou steeled his nerves and looked directly at Badd.

“Sometimes when I’m around you, I feel like pure evil…”

He’d been right. The tenderness he found in Badd’s eyes devastated him.

The second song line here is...very much how Garou views himself in canon, and to a lesser extent, in this AU.

He still hasn’t forgiven himself for what he might have done, and when he sees Badd, and his gentleness, kindness and optimism despite how the world has treated him and Zenko, it makes him question hero-dom more than he already does.

And we’re seeing Garou discover what is in Badd’s eyes. Garou has a harder time reading Badd than Badd does reading him, so what he finds in Badd’s eyes is unreadable to him, hence why the statement is left vague in terms of what he finds there.

“I guess they say nobody's perfect…”

Badd’s gaze flicked down to Garou’s lips.

“But they’ve never met a devil like you…”

The lyrics here feel spot on, especially to end the muscial interlude to. Garou knows Badd isn’t perfect and vise versa, but they still accept one another. The lyrics kind of foreshadow Badd and Garou’s heart to heart about why they think they’re bad people.

Badd’s action here are really what solidify Garou’s understanding of what he’s seeing in Badd’s eyes.

Before he realized what he was doing, Garou was leaning in, closing the small gap between them.

And when he sees the warmth there, and knows his feelings are reciprocated, he leans in, more intentionally taking the role of the initiator for the first time.

#hidden horns #meta

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thesearchforspirk · 6 years

Text

1 x 1 : Where No Man Has Gone Before {Subtext Study}

As we’re going in production order (which seems to produce a more linear story) the story of Gary Mitchell and his tinfoil eyes is where we’ll begin this journey into Star Trek subtext. There’s quite a bit in this episode to wade through, particularly of the homoromantic quality, so let’s get started.

Tellingly, perhaps, our episode opens on our two main objects of study playing their beloved three-dimensional chess. As someone who has been in Spirk fandom for awhile now, I can attest that 3D chess is mentioned as an activity Kirk and Spock engage in together in their recreation hours in about 99.9% of fanfics (logically, the chances of them having recreation hours that overlap with one another is about slim to none, given their respective positions, but a little willing suspension of disbelief never hurt anyone). However, I think we only see them actually play it in-canon in about 2-3 episodes total, if that.

Still, there’s something significant about the choice of chess as a game for these two to engage in and this particular game’s history as a means of courtship and flirtation.

This is also our first indication that Spock adheres strongly to the fact that he’s Vulcan and “without” emotions and that Kirk delights in teasing him about the fact. “Certain you don’t know what irritation is?” Kirk asks, knowingly, with a shit-eating grin after he makes a move that Spock wasn’t anticipating (having already smugly announced he would have Kirk check-mated in his next move). The banter here relies heavily on the natural affection between the two of them, that which the script wants the audience to be aware of. Though Spock alleges to be immune to emotions he is clearly anything but, and yet, Kirk finds an affectionate delight in this fact. He’s allowed to rib Spock a little bit about this without threat of any real offense, indicating a very high level of trust between them.

Certainly this could be the banter of two who are just friends and have no unspoken attraction or romantic interest between them, but talk like this often manifests as flirtation as well. Kirk’s decidedly sultry smirks at Spock (the first of thousands that would proceed them in the next few decades of material) and his huskier tone of voice are interesting acting choices for Shatner to have made if he hadn’t intended to play Kirk as flirty in this scene.

As I will often disclaim, I’m not suggesting that the original intent was the same as the interpretation I’m asserting here. What I am saying is that the evidence for a layer of flirtation is there, be it intentional or not, and to not at least acknowledge it is to ignore the obvious.

Moving on!

Kirk has been attempting to stay alert for any news about a recently heard Earth distress signal (despite the -ahem- distractions). News of said distress signal finally comes in, interrupting this little verbal tango between our boys, and Kirk and Spock rush to the transporter room to find an old-style ship recorder. Spock asserts that due to the damage on the object it’s likely that something happened to the ship (in the vein of blowing up or whatever I guess). The recorder begins transmitting a signal as soon as Scotty starts feeding tapes into the computer and Kirk puts the ship on red alert.

Enter Gary Mitchell, barely missing the turbolift ride alongside our boys. It’s made obvious right away that Gary and Jim are close from the casual way they greet and chat about ship stuff even under red alert. Gary then turns his attentions to Spock and, weirdly, sort of sizes him up before asking in a more straightforward tone “So, you finished the game?”. Spock nods and moves forward to the doors preemptively while explaining, “[Kirk] played most illogically. His next move should’ve been the rook.” Behind Spock’s back, Kirk grins and makes a throat-cutting motion to Gary to subtly indicate Spock’s obvious loss.

When I first saw this episode, and each time I return to it after a prolonged absence, I always initially get a sort of antagonistic vibe between Spock and Gary. On my original watch I thought it was going to be some sort of bigotry thing on Gary’s behalf against Spock’s being a Vulcan (which does happen with a different character in a different episode) but that ends up not being the case here. We really have no reason to believe there’s anything antagonistic between them, at least nothing that’s addressed directly.

(note Kirk’s got another amused, if not sultry look for Spock here)

The likelihood is that Spock’s cold retreat to the turbolift doors is more attempt to escape mention of his chess defeat than anything else. Gary’s once over of him, however, and hard tone of voice might suggest something else. Could be an organic jealousy in the fact that they share a mutual, close friend and seem to be on equal levels of bonding with the same person, but don’t seem to have much in common with one another and occupy awkward spaces beside him, sort of privately elbowing one another for the same category in Jim Kirk’s life. But what is that category, exactly? Is it just one of platonic friendship or something else?

A common argument against Kirk/Spock is the assertion that Jim (specifically) is clearly a lover of women and has never taken a male lover in canon and so must be, therefore, purely heterosexual and uninterested in men. This is a bit of fallacy in an of itself because 1) of course we never saw Kirk take a male lover in any sort of obvious way, this was a show produced in the 60′s for godssake, 2) Kirk’s frequent and, presumably exclusive, taking of female lovers doesn’t necessarily exclude him from being able to find men attractive and enjoy romantic/physical relationships with them, 3) most of the time when Kirk would take a female lover it was to gain something for the purpose of a mission; only rarely was he actually indulging in sincere feeling or attraction.

All that said, there is an argument that Gary Mitchell might be the earliest precedent and indication that Kirk has taken at least one male lover before and, therefore, has a history of finding men physically and romantically attractive. Due to the attitudes of the time it’s purely speculation based on subtext and ambiguity, but one I’ll explore here as we learn more about Gary and Jim and their history together.

In any case, I will also add that sexuality is fluid and being attracted exclusively to one gender for most of one’s life doesn’t mean that one may never find themselves drawn to something different at some point. Even if Kirk had never taken a male lover, had never found men attractive in any way prior to Spock, it doesn’t mean that Spock couldn’t have been an exception. I would also assume at this point in earth’s social development that relationships of all kinds between consenting adults are accepted with much more open minds, that any bigotry that might keep someone from indulging in or owning up to a desire would no longer exist. Food for thought. Back to our regular programming.

The three men go to the bridge and take their respective places. Kirk orders neutral warp at the edge of the galaxy and puts out a ship-wide message that the disaster recorder came from the SS Valiant two hundred years ago, the hope being that more insight will eventually be granted to them as to what happened to said ship. Meanwhile, Spock continues to have no luck with the burnt out tapes.

The department heads arrive on the bridge as ordered and we meet Dr. Elizabeth Dehner, a psychiatrist that recently joined the crew. Sidenote: if the Enterprise was ever granted a psychiatrist to replace her after this episode (spoiler alert) they certainly aren’t part of the ‘department heads’ club as we never meet them- maybe due to the events of this episode, who knows, but I can at least hope the Enterprise continued to value the mental health of her crew members despite all that. I digress.

Spock announces that the recorder has finally begun to transmit something and Kirk steps up behind him at the science station because it’s absolutely 100% necessary to the mission. Completely. Because it’s not as if Kirk would probably have been able to hear him fine from his chair or anything.

(okay, this one is just me being a bit silly but STILL, really now, Jim)

Dr. Dehner expresses an interest in knowing how the crew of SS Valiant might have fared psychologically under the distress. Gary Mitchell expresses his respect of his female crewmen and women in senior positions of power by openly flirting with her in front of the crew and then, just as openly in front of the Captain, calling her a “walking freezer unit” when she doesn’t reciprocate. He even makes ‘ooo ice queen’ face at Kirk after she rebuffs him. Nowadays that would probably, hopefully, rightfully so be grounds for sexual harassment and something Kirk would’ve had a responsibility to shut down right then and there, but y’know. 60′s. Women in power are scary so we have to knock them down a peg.

Weird how Star Trek is meant to take place in a more open-minded, less bigoted, socially progressive time in our future, but is still sometimes a product of the generation it was produced in. I love it regardless, of course.

Anyway, Spock begins to relay the spotty transmitted information; apparently the Valiant encountered a magnetic storm and then, for reasons that are unclear, began frantically searching for information on ESP in humans. Kirk asks Dr. Dehner about this and she helpfully explains that some humans can indeed see future events, but that the ability is never very strong. Spock continues that one crewman seemed to have recovered and that was when the frantic search for ESP info began, followed by an apparent self-destruct order from the Captain. Unnerved by this, Kirk orders that they leave the galaxy at warp factor 1.

Unfortunately, a magnetic force field appears right about then and the two women on the bridge grab the hands of the men nearest to them because, obviously, right? 60′s. Gary and Dr. Dehner are struck by the magnetic surges while the rest of the bridges’ control panels get various levels of fucked up. Even still, the Enterprise makes it through the storm and Kirk orders Spock to collect damage reports (with a very necessary and much needed hand on his shoulder, naturally). He then checks on Dr. Dehner (who appears to be fine) and then Gary, whose head he lovingly cradles in his hands.

(This tender moment only goes on to show us that Gary has spooky tinfoil eyes now!!! Can’t even imagine how painful those archaic contacts must have been for the actor.)

Upon return from commercial break, Kirk informs the audience that the Enterprise’s main engines and warp drive have been fucked beyond use. He also has Spock checking out Gary and Dr. Dehner’s records for ESP ratings, only to see that they have some of the highest on the ship (these must be old records though because there’s no way those two are 23 and 21 years old, respectively, at the time of this episode- SORRY, BUT TRUE), concluding that this must be why they were shocked and lived to talk about it. Dr. Dehner returns with autopsy results on the deceased, informing that their brains were burned out with the electric shock. She also vehemently defends ESP ability against Kirk and Spock who are suspicious of whether or not ‘espers’ are dangerous.

Kirk then goes to check on Gary who’s been under medical observation and we’re granted a deeper insight into their friendship.

Gary somehow knows it’s Kirk before he sees him or allows him to say anything. He points out that Jim looks worried and Jim replies with a knowing smile, “I’ve been worried about you ever since that night on Deneb IV.” Gary laughs and looks down coquettishly. “Yeah, she was nova, that one.” The fact that we have no idea what they’re talking about and that this conversation barely makes any sense of is no real importance. We’re not supposed to understand. This is meant to feel like listening to two friends who’ve known each other so long and so well they’re almost speaking a shared, exclusive language about experiences and jokes only they understand. Gary talks some about his weird eyes and then he goes back to teasing Kirk. Apparently our strapping Captain was something of a bookworm nerd back in his academy days, who knew?? (His bookishness happens to be one of my favorite aspects of Kirk’s character and one that history so often forgets in favor of him being some kind of machoman womanizer- ugh) To this teasing Kirk responds with a blush that would rival that of a school girl with a crush on her teacher.

(tee hee OH GARY STOP IT)

Gary mentions how he “aimed that little blonde lab technician” at Kirk probably to distract him from being too tough in his student-teaching position, to which the latter responds with, “You what??!” “Yep. I outlined her whole campaign for her.” “I almost married her!” So, we know Kirk likes the intelligent types as much as he is one himself. Fascinating. (Sidenote: I personally headcanon that the “little blonde lab technician” was Ruth that Kirk ‘sees’ in Shore Leave, but that’s for another episode discussion) Gary warns Kirk to be good to him because he’s “getting even better ideas” now. He also has a forebodingly echo-y voice now to indicate to a wary Kirk that shit’s about to get real.

So, what’s the deal with Jim and Gary? Everything is played rather ambiguously between them, certainly in no small part to indicate to us, the audience, that they’re close and have been for years. To have them discuss blatantly spelled out exposition of their shared past would feel in-organic and I’m glad the Star Trek writers chose ambiguity for this reason. But this ambiguity, plus the sultry way Gary teases Kirk and the affectionate, bashful blushes and smiles he gets in return could easily indicate that their friendship may not be platonic (or perhaps it is now, but hasn’t always been- maybe there was some sexual exploration together at the academy and feelings due to this that Kirk never really shook). There’s subtext enough here to believe so, I think. I’ll leave it to the reader to decide whether or not Gary could qualify as one of the earliest indications that Jim may not be so immune to masculine charms as history would so direly like for us to believe.

Anyway, Kirk returns to the bridge to find Spock watching Gary’s superhuman reading speed that is ever increasing. Spock pointedly asks the rhetorical question, “Is that Gary Mitchell? The one you used to know?”. A rather...knowing question for a being that claims to not understand or experience emotions. Kirk orders a 24 hour watch on Sickbay and all the examinations and tests possible. Gary then looks over at the viewing screen, right at Kirk, as if to suggest he knows he’s being watched.

Back in Sickbay proper Dr. Dehner has arrived to...probably do an examination or something but she’s not coming off as 100% professional. Since she’s being a little bit more receptive now Gary reluctantly apologizes for having called her a “walking freezer unit” and she assures him that “women professionals do tend to overcompensate”. Once again, this has been obligatory misogyny thanks to the 60′s!!! This little song and dance continues between them as Gary changes the readings on his vitals panel and pretends to be dead (just to get Dr. Dehner close to him- smooth, buddy) and recites a love sonnet at random from memory (that was actually written by Roddenberry himself when he was an aviator- the more you know!).

It’s funny how het flirtation in this show is only different for being more blatant in dialogue and sometimes physicality. The acting choices, reactions, tone of voice, expressions, etc, are pretty much the same when the subtext suggests it’s two men flirting. Just saying.

Lt. Kelso comes in to check on Gary and Gary informs him exactly what’s wrong with the engine. Have you gathered yet that this guy has special powers now? Gee, I hope so, because it’s not as if the show has been making that abundantly clear.

The Department Heads once again meet in the...meeting room, I suppose, Lt. Kelso showing via a blown circuit that Gary was right somehow. Dr. Dehner is late because she’s apparently in love with Gary now to the point of throwing all sense of professionalism out the window; when Spock points out Gary is transforming into something unnatural, Dehner chides him for not showing more compassion despite those on his planet not having feelings like “we” do. Kirk naturally jumps to his defense and Dehner continues in her tirade, chiding Kirk also for not ‘caring more’ about his close friend. Kirk justifiably reminds her that he and Spock are just doing their damn jobs, lady, JESUS. Also what happened to the professional that wisely rebuffed Gary’s attempts to openly flirt with her in front of her colleagues back at the beginning of the episode? I’m more concerned about Dehner’s changing personality at this point, tbh.

It soon becomes clear that Dehner’s been withholding information about Gary’s abilities. Her defense for having done this is that maybe a superhuman man would be really great thing, guys, like a better kind of human being. There’s a long, awkward, uncomfortable pause while everyone in the room gawps at the fucked up eugenics bullshit she just spouted out and it’s kind of a glorious moment, honestly. Instead, offers Spock, Gary’s power will likely grow beyond their ability to thwart him and they will become a nuisance to him and who knows what kind of shit will go down then. Kirk dismisses his Department Heads with the instructions not to tell any of the crew about this.

Kirk solemnly wanders off to the side, lost in thought and no doubt conflicted about possibly having to watch someone he, well, loves (in what way is up to you) change into a monster. Spock, who can’t seem to go a minute of screentime without himself or some other character reminding us that he supposedly can’t feel or doesn’t understand earth emotions or whatever, stops dead in his tracks and slowly turns around to his Captain. Something has compelled him to stay back and continue talking to Kirk and it certainly wasn’t an order.

(the emotionless, stoic Vulcan who can supposedly feel nothing ever looks on concerned for his friend and captain. Does anyone in the crew really buy that no emotions story or-...?)

Spock basically restates what Kirk likely already knows (that Gary is dangerous, duh) and we also hear the first very important, vulnerable use of the name “Jim” instead of Captain. They’re alone, after all, and despite all protestations Spock knows how this affects his friend and cares about that. Deeply, perhaps. Even still, Spock isn’t one for soothing platitudes. He elects instead to remind Kirk of the facts of the situation and when he’s defensively asked to provide suggestions and not just state the obvious, Spock says they can basically maroon Gary on the planet they need the lithium crystals from or they can kill him. No pressure, Jim.

Kirk is upset by all of this so he tells Spock to “get out of here” and Spock insists that those are the choices, whether he likes it or not. “Would you try for one moment to feel?” Kirk rallies back, though he seems more sad than angry. “At least act like you’ve got a heart...we’re talking about Gary...” Spock says that the Captain of the Valiant probably felt the same way- and look at where the waiting got him! Spock also says he thinks he and Kirk probably came to the same conclusion. From the look on Kirk’s face we can assume Spock is right about that.

It’s interesting in this scene that the one thing we already know Kirk finds endearing about Spock -his defensive need for logic in any situation- is the one thing that irritates him enough here to throw back in Spock’s face when he presents the cold hard facts about their situation. However, we as the audience should know by now that the fact Spock was affected and moved enough by Kirk’s mood to stay back and talk to him in private indicates that he does care a great deal. What’s more, that logical perspective, rather than some simpering “poor you” sympathy speech, is exactly what Kirk needed to get his head back in the game and do what needed to be done.

This is the part where I’d go so far as to say Spock has been a better friend (boyfriend, in time) to Kirk than Gary probably ever was. Granted, most of what we’ve seen of Gary thus far has been under the influence of the evil tinfoil eyes, but we do know that Gary was one for toying with Kirk’s emotions to get him to behave a certain way (the “little blonde lab technician”). Gary is even more charismatic than Kirk and one gets the impression he knew what to say to get what he wanted long before the powers. Perhaps Gary was good at telling Kirk what he wanted to hear. Spock tells Kirk what he needs to hear and cares enough about him to bother.

In any case, the decision is made; Kirk will attempt to maroon Gary on the uninhabited lithium mining planet. He, Spock and Dr. Dehner return to Sickbay to retrieve him and Gary has become as cocky as he is powerful. He can read thoughts now so when Kirk asks him what he’d do in this position, Gary says, “Probably just what Spock is thinking now. Kill me, while you still can.” He smiles knowingly as Kirk goes and gives Spock a reproachful, sort of scolding head shake, but no sooner does Kirk come back that Gary strikes him with some kind of electric shock. Was this manipulative little smile just a result of evil tin foil eyes or was this some of a rivalry with Spock resurfacing? Hard to say for sure, as we don’t know much about Gary Mitchell prior to the evil powers.

Once Kirk is struck, Spock, the emotionless Vulcan who we can only assume has no impulse to act on, jumps quickly into action with his phaser because like hell you’re going to strike the Captain and get away with it. He too is struck.

(omg so emotionless, you guys)

Gary goes on some more about how powerful he is and how he needs the right world for his ends when Spock and Kirk somehow take him by surprise and restrain him to the bed (despite the fact that he’s supposed to have super perception and strength, but the plot needs to move after all). They also manage to somehow get him to stand up straight for the transporter despite being unconscious but, again, whatever.

Everyone beams down and Gary is put in a cell while attempts are made to salvage parts for the engines. Gary attempts some carefully worded manipulation on Kirk, recalling the time he intercepted some poison darts aimed at Kirk and nearly died from it, so why should he fear him now? Kirk calls Gary out on his true intentions and the ego that’s grown along with his powers betrays him when he attempts to launch out beyond the electric barrier. The shock drains his power and for a moment he returns to normal.

As Gary’s eyes return to their familiar brown, he says in a very small, soft, almost frightened voice, “Jim...” and we’re granted a much more vulnerable insight into the depth of his feelings for his friend. Perhaps there was some amount of manipulation to their relationship all along, exacerbated now by the god-like powers, but in this very brief moment we’re allowed to believe that perhaps Gary really did care for Jim in a sincere way as Jim so obviously cares for him. Masterful acting, that.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t last. When Gary’s eyes change back he hisses, “I’ll only get stronger. You know that, don’t you?”. Later, Scotty informs Kirk that the salvaged switchboard fits the Enterprise’s bridge and asks if Spock received the phaser rifle he ordered down. Kirk is confused for a moment until Spock shows up with the aforementioned rifle and he’s angered by this. He stomps over to a corner, followed by Spock who explains his reasoning in that Gary keeps getting closer to escaping the force field.

“Dr. Dehner thinks he isn’t that dangerous, what makes you right and a trained psychiatrist wrong?” Kirk argues.

“Because she feels, I don’t. All I know is logic. In my opinion we’d be lucky if we could repair this ship and get away in time.”

Kirk checks on the now completed self-destruct button that Lt. Kelso has rigged up. He shares a long look with Spock before reluctantly ordering the lieutenant to press the button if Mitchell escapes and there’s no other alternative.

This conversation between them is interesting because they’re essentially both avoiding the truths of their respective situations. Kirk sounds not unlike Dr. Dehner did when she was arguing for Gary’s innocence; desperate, emotional, smart enough to know better but compromised enough to convince herself differently. Of course, her arguments were fueled by romantic affection and Kirk’s could easily just be that of a strong platonic bond but...the fact that there’s a parallel between them is interesting.

Meanwhile, the audience should be well aware by now that Spock is quite capable of feeling and acts on those feelings and impulses more than he’d like to admit. I think on some level he and Kirk both know this, so arguing that he “doesn’t feel” wouldn’t really be a convincing argument in this case for someone who knows him so well, if it was meant literally. I think what is really being said here is that Spock isn’t so deeply emotionally compromised by Gary, whereas Kirk and Dr. Dehner are (but not both romantically? Hard to believe). Spock can see and own the difficult truth of the situation where Kirk cannot, or, rather, will not.

Unfortunately this plan doesn’t work out because Gary becomes wise and takes control of some wires to strangle and kill Lt. Kelso. Back at the cell Dr. Dehner continues to argue that he isn’t dangerous and Gary 100% backs her up on this by electrocuting and knocking out Kirk, and then Spock (who of course tries to shoot him with the phaser rifle after he dares to harm the captain). Dr. Dehner finally joins Gary and reveals that she, too, now has tinfoil eyes. SPOOKY.

Later, the not-McCoy doctor comes to tend to the unconscious Kirk and Spock. Kirk wakes first but asks that the doctor not revive Spock until after he’s left to go after Gary- further evidence to the fact that Kirk is well aware Spock feels and acts on something other than logic, particularly where his Captain’s well-being is concerned; either Spock would try to stop him or come with him for protection, but either way Kirk isn’t risking it.

Elsewhere on the planet Dehner and Gary are meandering around exchanging awkward dialogue, making the artificial plant section of Hobby Lobby appear around them and eating fruit and drinking water because apparently despite having god-like powers they still need the essentials to survive. Kirk does a poor job of hunting them from the shadows; they don’t need god-like extra perception to hear Kirk stumbling around, knocking over rocks and otherwise letting the whole planet know of what he’s doing. Gary tells Dehner to go talk to him so she can see “just how unimportant they are”.

The conversation that ensues is the kind that really elevates and defines Star Trek where it is in the pop culture subconscious, one that makes it more than just space people in space doing space things, a layer of complexity that I think has been lost in the translation to the frankly horrific ‘rebooted’ series (my opinion, your mileage may vary). Dehner insists that what Gary is doing is right for her and him and other powerful Espers like them, they are where it will take humanity eons to reach in evolution, but Kirk insists this isn’t true. Though Gary may have ‘god-like’ powers, he still has his inner human frailties and demons that his growing ego won’t resist. A true God needs compassion and wisdom to temper those powers. He begs Dehner to think about this like a psychiatrist would- logically, perhaps? Indeed, Kirk is pulling from that logical need Spock has aptly reminded him of.

Gary finds them again and physically forces Kirk to ‘pray’ to him while assuring him of his inevitable death. Kirk challenges Dehner in asking her if she likes what she’s seeing, “corrupt power corrupting absolutely”. She decidedly does not and finally strikes Gary with her own powers to stop him. He strikes back and weakens her significantly, but she’s done the same to him and this gives Kirk and opportunity to show off his infamous fighting skills, get his shirt ripped open, and straddle his probable former lover in the sand. Not the first time he’ll have borderline erotic fight like this with another man. In the end, he manages to trap and I guess kill Gary in the burial plot made for him. A strategically placed boulder is all that’s needed to stop god-like powers, I’ll have to jot that one down.

(there’s no good reason for this picture other than Shatner was a really hot piece of ass back then and I like to appreciate that from time to time)

The fight has weakened Dehner too much and she dies too, as I clumsily alluded to happening earlier in this write up.

Kirk returns to the ship and adds Dehner and Gary to the list of official losses and ends their service records with the honorable notation that they gave their lives in performance of their duties. Spock, looking concerned, seems to sense the difficulty in this for Kirk and comes to stand silently beside him- a subtle gesture of support and condolence, and it would seem sufficient at that, but then he goes on to assure Kirk that, “I felt for him too” where concerned Gary’s helplessness to the power.

Kirk seems a little stunned at the confession, but the smirk that follows says that he isn’t surprised and is furthermore pleased that Spock would openly admit what he already knows so well. “I believe there is some hope for you yet, Mr. Spock,” he subtly teases with a private grin and knowing look. Spock smiles too, but not until he’s looking forward where no one can really see, not even his Captain.

Certainly there’s a message in this episode about how absolute power needs morality and compassion in equal measure, but there’s also an interesting disparity between Kirk’s two closest ‘friends’. Even before the god-like powers, Gary is very charismatic and knows exactly what to say to make Kirk grin and blush and giggle, whereas Spock is very honest, straightforward, and no nonsense. Gary seems as if he was always emotionally an open book, whereas Spock for many reasons comes across as emotionally unavailable (even if that isn’t really true).

Assuming that there was perhaps a romantic, sexual history with Gary and Jim, it would be a natural assumption that Gary allowed Kirk ‘close’ to him pretty early on, though I think the genuineness of that relationship is difficult to really call for sure. Certainly there was a strong bond between them that I don’t doubt the honesty of, but I get the distinct impression that Gary probably did a lot in the way of bait and switch, reeling Kirk in and then pushing him back out when it suited him, manipulating him from time to time.

Spock, meanwhile, is the exact opposite. Not very charismatic, tells Jim what he needs to hear rather than what he wants to, insists despite the bond growing between them and the feelings and impulses that he acts on that he can’t feel. Or rather, won’t admit that he does. Perhaps this has created something of a frustrating barrier for Jim, always feeling as if he’s distant from Spock where Gary would let him in so readily.

However by the end, it becomes clear that despite his insistence to the contrary, Spock is the more devoted, the more caring, the more dependable ‘friend’, and maybe Kirk has decided he is more than willing to go the extra mile, however long it takes, to help Spock coax down those walls if he so wishes to further their bond...in whatever form that may take.

Thanks for joining me on this long ass study of Where No Man Has Gone Before. I’d love to hear everyone’s thoughts and feelings on the episode, what I’ve made of it, things I may have missed, etc. HMU!

Join me next time for a similarly long write-up and subtext evaluation of The Corbomite Manuever.

#star trek tos #spirk #space husbands #captain kirk #spock #subtext study #slash #come hop aboard the uss kirk is pansexual headcanon ship #season one #episode one #where no man has gone before

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whyshanti · 4 years

Text

twenty nineteen. periodt.

i genuinely felt the need to write this because i was bored i have not written anything in a really long time. but mostly because there’s only a few who might read this and not care afterwards. it sucks to not be able to do something that i used to enjoy for quite a while. but here i am!

a lot of thoughts to unburden and a lot of unspoken feelings to unpack. let’s get to it, bih.

1. this year felt like it was dragging on. i wanted it to end asap.

so this year, i actually had A LOT of time. where did it go?

to: movies, series, anime, music, watching youtube videos, breakdowns, feeling stuck & paralyzed, academics, reading articles about pop culture & mainstream shit, going out with friends, chatting random ppl at night bc i thought i could trust them (and some of them, i can), and etc.

but on a more serious note, i really was more into the world of media, of both mainstream and indie worlds. i still can’t believe i got through this semester when i have been doing these things unrelated to uni. some ppl are also baffled by this activity log that i have.

point is: i felt like a walking zombie. probably looked like one as well. there is this routine that i have to do and i got really sick of myself. i didn’t have the motivation to strive more. i was always either sleeping (at least for the first half of the year) or watching. it all feels lifeless. the latter part of the year, my body clock was wrecked. i did not like the weather during daytime. at all. i slept during the day when i did not have classes then i was awake at night. but i try to get as much sleep as i can because my health is declining. i think.

also this year felt like it had 3 sequels. unnecessary, boring, full-of-jump-scares type of sequels. fuck.

2. feeling anxious and chill at the same time.

the only thing that made me feel chill at the latter part of the year is the fact that this shit... like all these shitty things we’ve been doing... will pass anyway.

i don’t know if it’s because of the new system that was implemented but it definitely feels like the stress levels were high only during exam weeks. for real. i am grateful to have THAT kind of “stress privilege (??)” but i also wish i was stressing over something that gives me LIFE. i know i’m studying for something that will actually help me provide something for myself and for my family but my soul (oh crap here’s where things get cheesy) screams i should do something else.

my friend always tells me to chill but i couldn’t because there’s always that nagging thought that i have to do something productive everyday. i think it stems from past disappointments, failed expectations from ppl close to me, and just basically feeling like a failure. i’m a frantic mess who somehow has the time to do unnecessary things. wish the energy was put into finishing acads on time or earlier, but here we are. think they meant that i should be chill with mysef. to be kind to myself. to not panic and breathe.

another thing is that there’s a load of information shoved in my head that really paralyzes me to act on something.

3. leaving behind the things i’ve outgrown.

it’s so funny how i’ve met few new people this year who i already treasure only to have quite a number of people to walk out of my life.

it’s not really surprising to me. i think we all wanted it to happen anyway. i’m just happy that things kind of subtly fell apart for things to make more sense. the feeling is kind of like how a misplaced puzzle piece is put into its rightful place. finally, i don’t have to force myself and i think the feelings are mutual. anyway, this year was a revelation in itself despite how dragging the pacing felt. love how the gunk went out and i see now what i’ve been blind to. chuck the deuce! definitely a thank u, next moment.

4. meeting new people, unexpected unions.

i definitely did not expect to form connections and be reunited with some of my old friends this year. also witnessed deepened friendships.

there’s always this thing where i put my energy on a high level when i’m meeting new people just to seem decent and happy then slowly revealing how tired, sad, and boring i can be. then there’s that fear of losing people’s interest in me or people not becoming excited to talk to me about... anything really. never thought i’d have this fear of losing certain people in my life. i want to detach myself from that and from people themselves too (in a healthy way ofc).

i’ve never ever felt like i could lose people in an instant. there’s that thing where i worry if i’m too much or i’m lacking for people. so i appreciate people who let me know if i’m crossing the line or if i’m doing something that completely annoys them because i really want to be part of people’s lives, meaningfully and genuinely. a good one. i don’t want to half-ass my relationships with other people and i seek loving relationships that thrive and inspire where it doesn’t only get good at the start but is continually progressing even when we don’t see each other often. it’s fascinating how as we get older, we see how relationships are not as simple as we think they are but really are simple at the same time. we have different goals, we are at different stages in our lives, we are facing shit that nobody else seems to understand and things that don’t seem to end, and we can only hope that our mere presence and emotionally available hearts will listen to whatever the other person has to unburden.

to somehow let them know that they don’t need permission to rest and to do things that they are afraid of pursuing.

4a. discovering new artists.

AURORA: the most underrated artist for sure. watched every interview/video/set because she is that bitch. her SONGS, man. i swear. she is that ethereal fairy from the forest. her fucking voice just draws me in. she deserved a better role in frozen 2 tho. she needs to be a lead in a musical animated movie. idc idc i said what i said.

beabadoobee: fucking rockstar, reviving the 90s grunge music and looks.

Billie Eilish: a badass. hate how she still stans bieber tho.

5. daydreaming of a new life.

you don’t know how many times i’ve been dreaming to have a big house.

it’s time. we really need a new house. i’m not, as what the kids say, vibing with this old house anymore. this is what i wish to leave behind as soon as possible. how do i even get the MONEY to afford it? i’m just hoping for a miracle to happen, you know. i really wish my family gets to be in a better home soon.

i think if u know me, u might have caught me spacing out a few times.

idk why this always happens. it’s so rude to the person speaking to me but my mind literally drifts off to another planet. it’s not that they’re boring. i just can’t help it. i feel like shit thinking about how many times it has happened to me.

sometimes, i dream of being this whole new different person.

someone who is better than who i am. someone who is good at something and is passionate about the things she does. there are a lot of things i am interested in doing but i don’t have the courage to actually do it. idk why i always turn into a statue when i think of things that i wanna do.

6. God.

it’s been a long time. i have lost contact with You but You are always there to patch things up for me. every effin’ time. i cry everytime.

it must be because i was raised in a christian setting. that’s why i always think it’s You who’s working behind the scenes. but still i am grateful.

saved me from certain people.

saved me this semester.

saved me from pulling worthless all-nighters.

provided me financially esp when i thought i had nothing.

prevented a severe acid reflux situation.

gave me new friends.

did literally so many things that saved me from bad situations and people in general like WHO DOES THAT??

7. a life without a plan.

this is literally what i wanted to happen. not carelessly but like where i don’t have to worry about what to do next. just let things be and go with the flow. the first half of this year, i really did not think things through as i normally would and i let plans fall just to enjoy what was in front of me. be at ease and be present during that time. and i did. it was a peaceful, cheery time tbh.

8. every day i wanted to start over just to get over a lot of things.

9. i missed a lot of ppl.

10. i wanted to be held. not by a certain someone. not romantically. but by anyone close to me. *plays i’m with you by avril lavigne*

sometimes we all just need a long hug. that’s all. and it’d be nice to hear more stories from people. :)

11. not everybody will reciprocate the same energy that i send out to them and it’s okay.

this bummed me out. felt like an effin’ loser but i’ve learned that people have businesses to do. life doesn’t always happen the way we want it to.

12. this the final year of college. just finish it already, dumbass.

13. why can’t i just be kathryn bernardo or AURORA for like a month or a year? i promise i will not ruin their careers lmao.

14. i want to make major changes in my stupid life but money is an issue.

15. the stars are below the sky now.

the state of the environment is the same as of our minds. polluted and overloaded with gibberish to the point that we get scared of doing one thing at a time and where we also don’t throw away the unnecessary baggage/s.

we’re so intent on doing things all at the same time. finishing everything in one sitting. being productive became an addiction and it scared me how i was becoming affected by this. there’s this constant thought that we collectively share which is to do something by every day and it only adds up to people’s anxiety and depression. social media definitely made us aware of mental illnesses/disorders but then it became a trend. people self-diagnose themselves and end up with the wrong treatment. some people use it as a tool to get followers and... ugh it’s all a mess. i hope people get the right treatment/s AND/or professional help because if they don’t, they’ll lose themselves. i mean... just look at the sky. there’s literally no sign of a star now if u live in the city. we’ve lost sight of what should guide us. we are unconsciously following a false light thru our devices.

i’m not good at analogies or at explaining things as u can tell. but moving on...

this hyper self-awareness that i have gained from social media has its advantages but is also distracting me from living my best life. i didn’t realize that i was making my own christmas lights inside my seemingly dark mind when really... it’s just clouded by all this information that’s coming in fast and has affected who i am and certain areas of my life. i’ve almost forgotten this and i’ve come to believe again that there’s always an ever-present light and it will take time to get used to its brightness once my mind gets clearer by the day. hopefully, it will.

anyway, CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL AND WE NEED TO SAVE EARTH.

16. men are trash.

17. the people who i should avoid always looks odd or unpleasant and has bad energy. i know shit when i sense one.

18. i’m not happy with my life and with who i am but i’ll work with what i’ve got.

life gives u a mirror and shits on your face. sheesh.

for some reason, i can’t forget what my adviser told me during my 4th year of high school. she told me “it seems like you’re a person full of regrets” and every time i have a cryfest, i think of that. idk why. (never underestimate the power of a few words, folks). you know how like in flow charts, u encounter decision points? the diamond shapes? i think i always decide no and end up with the worst consequence and then there’s no more starting over.

i don’t think i understand flow charts well. ugh.

i can’t come up with a cool transition to me having insecurities so let’s say i did!

some people’s beauty, inspiring. but others just make you feel like shit.

i really want to explore my feminine side more because i was more masculine when i was younger. i’m not gentle, i’m a bit aggressive. and it just doesn’t fit with who i want to be. idk why. and also, it’s fun (!!!). you get a taste of what it’s like and it’s so EMPOWERING at least for the short experience that i had. but can make me feel very conscious of my entire being and i just end up wearing cartoony disguises. ironic but BABY STEPS. when i think about it, there’s really no black or white answer whether this or that is feminine or masculine.

self-love is not a 5-step process.

it is continuous improvement of oneself to the point where you don’t give a fuck about what they say. i really envy the ones who are comfortable in their own skin, who are totally embracing their flaws. they just bloom. some people just look like them. like it’s SO THEM. unmistakably them. and i think if everyone had that, we would not have standards anymore.

oh, to live in a time where individuality is encouraged but is also discouraged when not lived up to its standards. hurray.

19. this year was the year of mindless decisions. periodt.

20. hoping that the new year, 2020, will be the year of CLARITY where i know who i really am, embracing it, and where i will not be taking anymore of anyone’s bullshit. where i know where i stand in my relationships with other people and vice versa. there will be intentional but meaningful endings that will pave the way for blossoming beginnings.

let’s hope it unfolds the way it should be. for the better.

bonus: nobody knows what the fuck they’re doing. everyone’s just going with the flow. be yourself.

note: this is a compilation of thoughts, informally. thank u.

#2019

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healingfromabuse-blog · 7 years

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Narcissistic Love versus Unconditional Love

From http://thehappysensitive.com/narcissistic-love-versus-unconditional-love/

Anyone with a giving persona, and a desire to help others, attracts narcissists. You give, they take. It’s a match made in heaven hell. It’s an utterly confusing dynamic, not least because it’s so surreal. One of the keys to sanity is understanding that, when it comes to love, narcissists come from a completely different place.

Pick an electrical appliance that you use a lot. Maybe your computer, or cellphone / i-phone, or MP3 player. Got one? O.k. You know how an appliance like that can make a great contribution to our lives, to the point where, when it’s working, we really love it for doing all those things?

That’s a lot what narcissistic “love” is like.

You know how, when you truly love someone, whether it’s a person, or even a pet, you can get really angry at them, yet despite the anger, you still feel love for them? That’s healthy unconditional love. It’s not something narcissists are familiar with.

Healthy unconditional love requires a bonding beyond the surface appearance and behaviour of someone. It’s a love that connects you from core to core. You could say it’s soul based. It’s a love that goes beyond appearances. This is not to say that there are no limits to what you will tolerate. You might come to a point where the relationship no longer works, yet, on some level, you continue to love the person, despite their behaviour. This is why letting go can be so hard. There is a loving connection beyond behaviour and circumstances.

Narcissistic love is more superficial. We love appliances, as long as they do what they are supposed to do. Who decides what they are supposed to do? We do. Similarly, narcissists decide what other people are supposed to do and, when expectations are not fulfilled, the scene can be a lot like someone swearing at their computer for crashing. It’s not a love based on any core connection, it’s a love based on functionality. I don’t know about you, but I don’t exactly grieve when an appliance breaks down and I need to replace it (I might be upset about the cost and effort required for the replacement though).

The Lack of Deeper Connection

Unconditional love requires an awareness of a presence beyond appearances. I imagine that, for a narcissist, it would be akin to asking you to sit in front of your computer and connect to its soul. You might laugh, you might shrug, you might blink. Chances are, you’re not going to find anything to connect to.

Not everyone is able to see beyond the superficial image of others. While doing so probably comes quite naturally to you, it’s important to realize that it is not natural to everyone. The ability to see other people at a deeper level, requires the ability to see ourselves at a deeper level.

For many reasons, that deeper connection to self can be absent. Simply put, due to a combination of severe trauma and a collection of beliefs that state that ‘facing the trauma will just make things worse’ someone can actually become completely cut off from their inner experiences. It’s a recipe for disconnection so to speak. With such disconnection comes the inability to deeply connect to others. On the receiving end, this can feel like the frustrating experience of not being seen by the other, and not being able to get through to them or really communicate with them.

You know those days when electrical appliances break down, and you entertain the hope that if you just “do the right thing” they will spring back to life? That’s the point when we tend to talk to our machines (“nooooo, don’t break down!”). It’s also the point where our conditional love is apparent. There is no old-appliances home for no longer functioning computers is there? Of course not. Now extend that analogy to people, and you’ve got a sense of an extremely narcissistic world-view.

Gradations of Narcissism

Obviously, there are gradations of narcissism. A little bit of narcissistic self-centredness is necessary. We are not talking about the necessity to meet your own needs here. We are talking about the narcissistic approach of treating people as a means to an end only. Full-blown narcissism is a personality disorder. If you are dealing with someone who loves you when “you do things right” and who stops loving you when you don’t, then you are dealing with narcissistic love, which really isn’t anything like unconditional love at all.

Narcissistic love is the “look at my new i-pod / friend ” love. Later it becomes the “that used to be my i-pod / friend but it no longer does what I want it to”.

Recognizing Narcissism

Narcissistic love in the workplace is a lot easier to figure out than it is in our personal relationships. In the workplace, a person with narcissistic personality disorder will treat you like their best friend when they want something from you or when they somehow look better due to being associated with you. The next moment (perhaps when you are working on a different project), they will completely ignore you.

In our private lives, narcissistic love is harder to spot because you might be on the “positive” receiving end much longer. If your functionality includes: a shoulder to cry on and a willingness to listen to a lot of venting, then you might be kept in the “appliances I love” category for a very long time.

They Love Me, They Love Me Not

Trying to understand narcissists from the perspective of unconditional love is endlessly confusing. It’s a flower with an endless number of petals: “they love me, they love me not, they love me, they love me not…” Think back to a time when you were in love with someone, and you weren’t sure whether that feeling was reciprocated. It’s agonizing, right? Usually though, that uncertainty wouldn’t last too long. At some point, you’d get a yes or no. With a narcissist, you’ll never get the answer, because it’s not unconditional love to start out with anyway. Whenever you behave the way they want you to, they love you, and when you don’t, they love you not. Yet if you ask a narcissist whether they love someone, they might well say “yes”. Translation: “Yes, I love this person like an appliance, when they do what I want them to”.

The Desire to Fix the Relationship

Being on the receiving end of narcissistic love can make us feel like we need to try harder. Yet at the same time, it can make us feel that, no matter how hard we try, we can’t really get through to or connect to the other person (which is true). We can come to believe that somehow, it is up to us to fix the relationship. For someone who has blocked their heart, to the point where they cannot connect to themselves, superficial functional connections are all that is possible though.

It takes two to have a healthy relationship.

It is impossible to love someone who will not let themselves be seen, even to themselves. The mystery of that can be addictive though. Again, the idea that ‘if we just try hard enough, we will find a way to create authentic connection’, can keep us tied up in a relationship that really only revolves around functionality, but, like a quest for a holy grail, holds the unspoken promise of one day becoming a connection of unconditional love.

For all practical purposes though, this is like trying to deeply connect to an appliance. Narcissists treat others like appliances, because that is as far as their own level of awareness about themselves goes. They are unavailable to us, because – in a deeper way – they are unavailable to themselves. We can’t have a truly loving relationship with a narcissist, no matter how hard we try, there is just nothing to deeply connect to. Trying harder is not going to unlock the magic door to their unavailable heart.

The Dream versus the Reality

When it comes to loving a narcissist, all we can really do is love a dream we have of them.

This dream can be so strong (and beautiful) that it becomes something that we come to superimpose on the true narcissist. Every little positive spark of something nice they said or did, enforces the “truth” of that dream. This keeps us at a seemingly safe distance from what is really happening. The dream keeps the painful reality at bay. However, at some point, it’s necessary to see the dream for what it is and recognize that it is impossible to love or be loved by the narcissist. It’s not anyone’s fault, it’s just that they have made themselves completely unavailable to unconditional love.

(If, right now, you are thinking that – despite everything – you do truly and deeply love a narcissist, then ask yourself whether you have allowed yourself to feel any hate or anger towards them. Due to all kinds of beliefs about how we’re supposed to feel, our true feelings can become buried very deeply. When it comes to dealing with narcissists, however, any feelings of anger and hate are (as long as they are processed in a healthy way) extremely liberating and healing. It can be a great relief to realize that there is nothing wrong with your psychic radar: that you did know that this person is not a good person for you to spend time with! (You may just not have been able to face the reality of narcissists before and therefore had to deceive yourself into thinking that there was a solution.)

What About Helping a Narcissist to Heal?

If you’ve ever tried to really help a narcissist, you know that the closer you get to the heart of the matter, the closer you get to things blowing up in your face. The narcissist doesn’t want their issues to be solved, they much prefer to blame others for their problems. No matter how good your solution may be, share it with a narcissist and they will either find reasons why it doesn’t work or will suddenly come to the “insight” that the true problem lies elsewhere. It’s a diversion tactic. Blame energizes them and keeps them at arms length from their true issues.

Some people believe that sending/giving unconditional love will help, but here’s the thing: narcissists don’t want unconditional love. Unconditional love requires openness and honesty. It requires facing fears, feeling difficult emotions and being open to change. In the narcissist’s mind, these are all awful things that are to be avoided at all costs.

So, when it comes to helping narcissists, every time it seems you are getting somewhere, you are faced anew with an impenetrable wall. Face it, they want to stay behind it. It’s not your fault that you cannot love or be loved by them, they were never available for real love in the first place.

The best thing to do is to let them be and move on. If you can’t seem to move on, ask yourself: what am I hoping to receive? What do I still want from them? Then consider: Have I ever received this from them in the past?

If so: what did I need to do/give/give up for that? Was it worth it?

If not: since the person in question is resistant to change, what are the chances that our relationship will change in the way that I want it to?

#narcissism #abuse #emotional abuse #toxic relationship #article

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