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iwishiwassleepinginstead · 1 year

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Answers to Questions You Didn't Know You Had About Asexuality

Am I Asexual?

What is compulsory allosexuality and aphobia?

How do I know if I am asexual?

I can’t be asexual because...

Umbrella term: the many labels within the asexuality spectrum

Aromantic vs asexuality

Asexual community, relationships, and things to know

Asexual tl;dr

Conclusion

Links and resources

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1. What is compulsory allosexuality?

Let’s begin by breaking down the terms. “Compulsory” means the opposite of “optional.” “Allo-” meaning “different,” but in this context, it means the opposite of “a-” meaning “no/without.” So Compulsory allosexuality is the feeling that being sexual (being sexually attracted to others, being sexually active, or wanting to be) is the norm, and is expected of you. (This is bullshit.)

Once allosexuals hit puberty, they begin to see people which they are sexually attracted to as ‘sexy’ (please keep in mind I am writing this as an asexual person, so this description may not be extremely accurate, as I don’t experience this attraction). A lot of allosexuals assume this experience is universal. Some allosexuals assume that a lack of sexual attraction or desire is something that needs medical attention. Many people, including asexuals, can believe that their lack of attraction is a problem that needs to be fixed or ignored to be a ‘real’ person. (I am so sorry if you’ve ever felt this way, regardless of your identity.)

One thing that gets a lot of people confused is the definition of asexuality. It’s quite simple, really. It’s the lack of sexual attraction to other people. That’s it. There’s no rulebook to follow, no renouncements or pledges to be made. To be asexual is to identify with that sentence. Sometimes this can get confused with aromanticism, the lack of romantic attraction to other people. While people can be both asexual and aromantic (called aro-aces), this is not a requirement. Some asexuals can be alloromantic, and some aromantics can be allosexual. All of these identities are completely valid, and sometimes it can take time to accept that you can identify as these labels and still be valid. (I promise you that you are, no matter what.)

Some people don’t understand asexuality. Due to this lack of knowledge and understanding, some people are afraid of them (and by afraid, I mean hateful towards them), leading to aphobia. Some aphobes will say stuff like, “just wait until you’re older, you’ll find someone” or “have you talked about this to your doctor?” or “I can fix you” or “loosen up, maybe you’ll like it” or “you probably just had some bad partners, I can show you a real good time” or “so you’re a celibate/waiting for marriage?” or many, many other things. Commonly, asexuals (and aromantics too) are referred to as robots or otherwise inhuman. Which, to be completely frank, is hilarious to me. Not having sex and not having romantic relationships is something allosexuals and alloromantics do all the time, why is it an issue if I never find “the one?” (News flash aphobes, it’s not an issue and it doesn’t need fixing)

Asexual and aromantic issues are intertwined, but I hope to focus mostly on asexual issues in this piece, though I will acknowledge aromantic issues and identities in which they overlap with asexual ones.

2. How do I know if I am asexual?

Figuring this out can be quite difficult sometimes. Especially due to allo-normativity, it’s expected that you ‘just get it’ when it comes to sexual attraction. But identifying as asexual is something that you have to determine for yourself. Also, if you are questioning being asexual, romantic attraction is also something that typically comes along with this question. “Well, if I’m ace, who am I romantically attracted to, if anyone?” This adds yet another layer of questions that can seem quite daunting! But rest assured, you can do it. I believe in you!

By the way, congratulations for getting this far in your journey! Asking this question can seem scary sometimes, but asking yourself who you really are and making progress in trying to understand yourself (even if you end up deciding that asexuality isn’t the right label for you), is a tough and wild ride that I’m personally so proud of you for starting!

Being asexual, as I mentioned before, can be defined as “the lack of sexual attraction to other people.” If you do not experience sexual attraction, it can be quite difficult to answer this easily! There are multiple different ways to be attracted to people, so let’s break those down to see which ones you may experience.

a) Aesthetic attraction.

Aesthetic attraction is quite simple to describe, it’s simply thinking that someone/something looks pretty/beautiful/handsome/etc. It can be thinking that a sculpture is intriguingly beautiful, or that a person’s sense of style is awesome, etc.

This is an attraction that doesn’t always mean that you are attracted to them in any other way. (Are you usually attracted to fucking paintings in museums?)

b) Emotional attraction.

Emotional attraction is great for any healthy relationship, whether it be with a romantic partner, or with friends or family! Wanting to be emotionally intimate and truly know another person’s thoughts and feelings and share an emotional connection can strengthen the bond you share. This can be like when you want to share something that really interests you with a friend (like a favorite movie), and value their thoughts and feelings about it.

This attraction, yet again, does not necessitate any other forms of attraction to be established. (You can find your family aesthetically ‘ugly,’ but still value your emotional bonds.)

c) Romantic attraction.

Romantic attraction is a kind of attraction in which you want to have a relationship with the other person. Beyond that of a platonic relationship or a friendship. You may feel this when you give a partner a hug, kiss, or other gesture of intimacy. (It doesn’t have to be physical.) You may also feel romantic attraction if you desire to give/receive these gestures.

This attraction, yet again, does not necessitate any other forms of attraction to be established. (For example, alloromantic asexuals will be romantically attracted to someone, but do not find that person sexually attractive (whether or not they end up having sex.))

This one is a toughie to describe, as I identify as cupioromantic (part of the aromantic spectrum, in which I do not feel romantic attraction, but I still want to be in a romantic relationship). So, apologies if this definition is not entirely accurate! I plan to get critiques from an allosexual alloromantic to review this piece to confirm that the descriptions are accurate (regarding allosexual and alloromantic experiences.)

d) Physical/Sensual attraction.

Physical attraction can sometimes be tied to sexual attraction, but it doesn’t always have to be! This can simply be the desire to be physically touched by others, like a hug from a friend or family member. This can extend towards romantic partners as well, and is not inherently sexual in nature. Romantically, this could mean wanting to snuggle or spoon (though this can happen outside of romantic relationships too).

This attraction, yet again, does not necessitate any other forms of attraction to be established. (For example, aromantic allosexuals will be sexually attracted to someone, but have no desire for a relationship, or to date that person. (This doesn’t make them ‘shallow’ or any less of a person, in case you were thinking that!))

e) Sexual attraction.

Here we go, this is sexual attraction! This is when you are attracted to a person and want to touch them in a sexual manner or be touched by them in a sexual manner. The person of attraction can range from a person you don’t know, to someone you’ve known for years, to a celebrity, and so on. This can be daydreaming about how you would want to touch someone/ be touched by someone (in particular or generally) in a sexual manner. Finding someone ‘sexy’ is to find them sexually attractive.

Some sexualities in the asexual spectrum can be defined by who, how, and when someone might be sexually attractive to you. These I will list and define in detail in a later section, #8: Umbrella term: the many labels within the asexuality spectrum.

This attraction, yet again, does not necessitate any other forms of attraction to be established. For example, allosexual aromantics can be sexually attracted to someone but have no desire for a romantic relationship but might have a desire for a platonic relationship.

f) Intellectual attraction.

Intellectual attraction is being attracted to someone’s ‘brain,’ so to say. This is an attraction to the way in which they think, or how conversations with them may be more gratifying than others. This can be like how certain people you can chat with for hours on end without ever getting bored, and being thoroughly engrossed in what they have to say, finding them to be intellectually stimulating.

This attraction, yet again, does not necessitate any other forms of attraction to be established. You can love to talk to someone for hours at a time, but never be physically, romantically, sexually, or aesthetically attracted to them.

Being asexual typically means that the sexual attraction to others is different than that of allosexuals, that was described above. But there are many ways that this attraction can differ! For example, one fairly well-known label within the asexual spectrum is demi-sexual, in which you are only sexually attracted to someone who you have a deep, emotional bond with. Hence, no ‘love-at-first-sight' situation and dates with strangers might not yield sexual interest. But this is just one label within the spectrum. There are many different ways to be asexual.

Some things may be popping up in your mind, things like, I can’t be asexual because of reason (a) and (b) and (c). These next few sections address these thoughts you may be having. Rest assured, there is no wrong way to be asexual, and you can still be asexual even if you don’t think you ‘qualify.’ All you have to do to be asexual is to not find people sexually attractive.

Some asexuals have experienced similar things due to their identities though, and I list some of them here. Note that not all asexuals experience these, nor does experiencing none of them make you any less asexual, nor does experiencing them make you asexual.

Being peer-pressured into dating/ picking a crush

Feeling like you’re not completely following in a conversation about crushes/ dating/ ‘hot’ people

Having a crush, and immediately losing interest once they are ‘taken’ (or feeling relief)

Feeling awkward in romantic/ sexual relationships, like you weren’t given the script for the role, or like you aren’t doing enough romantically/ sexually for your partner

Feeling like doing romantic and/or sexual acts is really uncomfortable, and you’re surprised people actually like it

Being really confused about who you ‘like’ because you don’t like anyone (struggling to find a sexuality that fit you)

(Such as, “am I bi/pan, because I feel the same about all genders?” not realizing that feeling was of no sexual attraction towards any)

Thinking that sex-ed was uncomfortable as all hell, but that’s really not an issue because no one actually does that stuff

Thinking abstinence/celibacy is easy and a great way to avoid pregnancy

3. I can't be asexual because...

Let me stop you right there! If you were thinking a thought that started like this, let me remind you about what asexuality is. The definition of asexuality that I gave earlier was this: “the lack of sexual attraction to other people.” This definition, as you may have noticed, does not say that you cannot have sex, or that you cannot enjoy sex. Some asexuals quite like it! And some don’t. And both are completely valid asexuals.

Asexuality is an umbrella term, meaning that there are many different ways to be asexual. One of the ways in which this term can encapsulate many experiences is by ‘sex tolerance,’ I guess you’d call it. Some asexuals really hate sex. They want nothing to do with it, never want to do it, etc. These asexuals can be described as ‘sex adverse/repulsed.’ Some asexuals love sex. They are totally down to have sex and have a great time when they do. These asexuals can be described as ‘sex favorable.’ Some lie more towards the middle of this spectrum and can be described as ‘sex indifferent.’ Keep in mind that this is a spectrum! And where someone lies on this spectrum can change depending on time, circumstances, and any other reason. There is no ‘wrong’ way to lie on this spectrum. (The only thing that can come to mind is sex addiction, really. And this is not a problem exclusive to asexuals.)

You can still be asexual even in you daydream about sex, if you like sex in theory, or even if you like sex in practice! If you have sex with your partner(s), you can still be asexual. No one is going to stop you and your partner(s) from doing that or from identifying as asexual. (If they do, fuck ‘em (literally or metaphorically, your choice.))

To summarize, you can be asexual and like sex.

Whether or not you’re sex-favorable, you can have sex and still be asexual. There are many different reasons you might want to have sex as an asexual person. (Just like how allosexual people have their own reasons for having sex, too!) This can be because:

You want to try for a baby

You want to try it out with your partner(s)

You want to satisfy your partner(s)

You think it’s fun

You have some time to kill

You have to wash the sheets today anyways

You like how it makes you feel (physically, emotionally, etc.)

You like how it strengthens your relationship with your partner(s)

You want to

Etc.

There are so many reasons to have sex, not only as an asexual person, but also as an allosexual person. The only reason to have sex that matters is (i), because you want to.

Asexuals are sometimes mistaken for celibates. Celibacy/Abstinence is when you renounce sex for reasons like religion or ‘saving yourself for marriage’. Celibates usually avoid having sex even though they might want to. Asexuals can have sex! No one said asexuals can’t, so go ahead and do your thing if you want to.

4. Umbrella term: the many labels within the asexuality spectrum

So many labels in the asexual umbrella. So many. It can be quite intimidating to dive into! Before we begin looking into these, please remember that you don’t necessarily have to identify as one of these particular identities to still be asexual. Just like the umbrella term non-binary (for example), you can identify as one of the terms under the umbrella (like agender, for example), which is totally valid, or you can simply identify as nonbinary. Whether this is because none of the more specific labels fit you in a way you like, or you just like the umbrella term, using that term is totally valid. That being said, let’s look into the many labels within the umbrella.

(Also note that along with each label, I will include each reciprocal romantic identity, as the aromantic and asexual umbrellas are quite similar. The first bullet will be the sexuality description, and the second will be the romantic description) (This list comes from multiple sources I will link at the end of this piece) (This is likely an incomplete list, please continue researching labels if you are so inclined!)

Asexual/ace (aromantic/aro)

Someone who does not feel sexual attraction

Someone who does not feel romantic attraction

Aceflux/Abrosexual (aroflux/abroromantic)

Someone whose sexuality changes, but usually lies on the asexual spectrum (though it can fluctuate into the allosexual spectrum)

Someone whose romantic attraction changes, but usually lies on the aromantic spectrum (though it can fluctuate into the alloromantic spectrum)

Acespike (arospike)

Someone who’s asexual, but randomly (but rarely) get ‘spikes’ of sexual attraction towards others that can be intense, but quickly fade

Someone who’s aromantic, but randomly (but rarely) get ‘spikes’ of romantic attraction towards others that can be intense, but quickly fade

Aegosexual/autochorissexual (aegoromantic/autochoriromantic) The crossed-out terms are the ‘old’ terms, which have been since updated

Someone who has a disconnection between themself and arousal. They may enjoy erotic content or fantasies, but usually are not the one being pleasured (or if it is them, it’s a version of they are extremely disconnected from). Aka, they like it in theory only

Someone who has a disconnection between themself and romance. They may enjoy romantic content or fantasies, but usually are not the one involved in the romance (or if it is them, it’s a version of they are extremely disconnected from) Aka, they like it in theory only

Apothisexual (apothiromantic)

Someone who’s asexual and sex adverse/repulsed

Someone who’s aromantic and romance adverse/repulsed

Bellusexual (bellusromantic)

Someone who’s asexual but they have interest in some aspects of a sexual relationship (such as aesthetic, physical, sexual, and/or emotional components)

Someone who’s aromantic but they have interest in some aspects of a romantic relationship (such as aesthetic, physical, romantic, and/or emotional components)

Caedsexual (caedromantic)

Someone who was allosexual, but now is asexual due to trauma

Someone who was alloromantic, but now is aromantic due to trauma

Cupiosexual/kalossexual (cupioromantic/kalosromantic) The crossed-out terms are the ‘old’ terms, which have been since updated

Someone who’s asexual but want a sexual relationship

Someone who’s aromantic but want a romantic relationship

Demisexual (demiromantic)

Someone who only experiences sexual attraction after establishing an emotional and/or romantic bond (sexual attraction cannot be felt until the bond is formed)

Someone who only experiences romantic attraction after establishing an emotional and/or sexual bond (romantic attraction cannot be felt until the bond is formed)

The opposite of fraysexual/frayromantic

Fictosexual (fictoromantic)

Someone who’s only sexually attracted to fictional characters / whose sexuality is influenced by fictional characters

Someone who’s only romantically attracted to fictional characters / whose romantic attraction is influenced by fictional characters

Fraysexual (frayromantic)

Someone who’s sexually attracted to someone until a bond is formed

Someone who’s romantically attracted to someone until a bond is formed

The opposite of demisexual/demiromantic

Graysexual (grayromantic)

Someone who experiences sexual attraction rarely/infrequently

Someone who experiences romantic attraction rarely/infrequently

Lithosexual/akoisexual (lithoromantic/ akoiromantic)

Someone who experiences sexual attraction but does not want it to be reciprocated (whether this makes them uncomfortable, or reciprocation makes them no longer attracted)

Someone who experiences romantic attraction but does not want it to be reciprocated (whether this makes them uncomfortable, or reciprocation makes them no longer attracted)

Myrsexual (myrromantic)

Someone who’s asexual but they don’t know which label fits them best, possibly because this label fluctuates or because they experience multiple asexual identities simultaneously

Someone who’s aromantic but they don’t know which label fits them best, possibly because this label fluctuates or because they experience multiple aromantic identities simultaneously

Quoisexual/ WTF-sexual (quoiromantic/ WTF-romantic)

Someone who doesn’t understand sexual attraction, and hence cannot determine what sexual attraction they experience (if any)

Someone who doesn’t understand romantic attraction, and hence cannot determine what romantic attraction they experience (if any)

Reciprosexual (reciproromantic)

Someone who’s asexual until they know the person they like is sexually attracted to them, in which they can have sexual attraction towards them (someone must be attracted to them first)

Someone who’s aromantic until they know the person they like is romantically attracted to them, in which they can have romantic attraction towards them (someone must be attracted to them first)

Requissexual (requisromantic)

Someone who’s asexual due to emotional exhaustion

Someone who’s aromantic due to emotional exhaustion

5. Aromantic vs asexuality

Aromanticism and asexuality can get confused for each other sometimes. I defined them quickly in the umbrella term section, but here’s a little bit more about how these identities overlap, and how they don’t.

To be asexual is to be not sexually attracted to other people.

To be aromantic is to not be romantically attracted to other people.

Similarities include (possibly) not wanting to have a typical alloromantic/ allosexual relationship. Especially for aro-aces (both aromantic and asexual), these identities can overlap a lot!

Differences include aromantics can be allosexual (not asexual), and asexuals can be alloromantic (not aromantic).

6. Asexual community, relationships, and things to know

Figuring out that you’re asexual can be scary. You might be wondering what the next step is to take, especially if you are seeking out a relationship in which you are openly asexual. Luckily, there’s a whole community out there waiting for you!

The Trevor Project is a great resource to get started with if you want to talk to someone and don’t know how or who to talk to, or don’t know any safe spaces in which you can talk about it. You can even use TrevorSpace to talk to other people in the LGBTQ+ community! Reach out to give or get some support, no matter how you identify (questioning, asexual, or otherwise LGBTQ+).

When it comes to getting into romantic relationships being an asexual, it can be difficult. Not everyone will understand you, but hopefully if they don’t, they’ll be willing to take the time to get to understand you. Don’t let aphobes stop you from pursuing love! That being said, there are asexual dating apps to try, if dating apps are something you are willing to try. One is Taimi, and while it isn’t ace exclusive, it has lots of focus on the asexual community, and you can customize what you’re looking for in a relationship when filtering potential matches.

Being asexual and/or aromantic can alter what you might want or need from a relationship. Sometimes this means that a QPR is what you’re looking for. A QPR is a QueerPlatonic Relationship that isn’t quite friendship but isn’t quite romantic. Is a queer type of relationship for queer folks (pun indended). Sometimes the lines can be blurred between romance and friendship in a QPR, but all that matters is that everyone involved is honest in communication with what they are comfortable with in the relationship and what they want out of it. Each QPR is unique, but feel free to read more about it to possibly get started in finding one! I’ll add some places to get started in in section #9, links and resources.

7. Asexual tl;dr

Asexual definition:

To not be sexually attracted to others

This is an umbrella term, there are many ways to identify as asexual

Sexual attraction definition:

This is when you are attracted to a person and want to touch them in a sexual manner or be touched by them in a sexual manner. The person of attraction can range from a person you don’t know, to someone you’ve known for years, to a celebrity, and so on. This can be daydreaming about how you would want to touch someone/ be touched by someone (in particular or generally) in a sexual manner. Finding someone ‘sexy’ is to find them sexually attractive.

You can be asexual if:

You have had sex

You haven’t had sex

You like sex

You hate sex

You don’t really care all that much about sex

Your relationship to sex is negative due to things like emotional drainage, trauma, etc.

You like calling yourself asexual

Being asexual means that you can be alloromantic (romantically attracted to people) or aromantic (not), of which there are many identities within these umbrella terms

8. Conclusion

Being asexual does NOT make you broken, does NOT mean you’re inhuman, and does NOT mean you are any less of a person.

Regardless of how you identify, asexual, aromantic, allosexual, alloromantic, or any combination of those, you are a valid person who deserves all that life has to offer. If you are still questioning, that’s also completely valid! I wish you luck on your journey of self-discovery. If you decide that asexuality isn’t the right label for you, I want to congratulate you on the work you’ve done to come to that conclusion and wish you luck on finding the label that fits you best.

I hope that you’ve found this resource to be helpful. Please spread and share this information so that asexuals and allosexuals alike can learn about this identity. Hopefully people might learn that asexuals aren’t scary at all and there’s no reason to be an aphobe. Asexuals make some pretty good friends 😊

I hope that you learned a little bit about yourself and asexuality, and had a good time learning it! Stay safe and be well.

9. Links and Resources

Go forth and learn!

The Trevor Project is a website dedicated to LBGTQ+ acceptance, education, communication, and counseling. It has a feature in which hitting ‘escape’ 3 times will close the tab, if that feature appeals to you.

TrevorSpace is an app in which you can talk to other LGBTQ+ persons about queer stuff in a moderated, safe space. Part of the Trevor Project.

Links that have lists of asexual spectrum identities:

https://www.glaad.org/amp/ace-guide-finding-your-community

https://lgbtqia.fandom.com/wiki/Asexual_spectrum

https://lgbtq.unc.edu/resources/exploring-identities/asexuality-attraction-and-romantic-orientation/

https://www.talkspace.com/blog/asexuality-spectrum/

https://www.oulgbtq.org/acearo-spectrum-definitions.html

Link about sex tolerance (adverse/repulsed v indifferent v favorable), also acknowledging the impacts of cultural attitudes towards sex:

https://www.asexuality.org/?q=attitudes.html

Links to learn more about QPR/queerplatonic relationships:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queerplatonic_relationship

https://lgbtqia.fandom.com/wiki/Queerplatonic_relationship

https://taimi.com/wiki/queerplatonic-relationship-what-is-it-what-does-it-mean

The asexual inclusive dating app, Taimi