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thebibliomancer · 11 months

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Essential Avengers: Avengers #294: "If Wishes Were Horses...”

August, 1988

WHO leads the Avengers?!

-vibrates in anger-

You suck, Anthony Druid.

Let’s get into this.

Last times in Avengers: Despite having shown herself to be competent previously, leader of the Avengers Monica Rambeau Captain Marvel actually sucks and you’re a fool if you think otherwise. She spends all of her time thinking to herself about how incompetent she is and she never accomplishes anything without someone telling her to do it.

Grumble.

Also, Namor’s wife and former member of Alpha Flight Marrina turned into a giant sea monster for some reason. How mysterious. Dr Druid wanted them to murder her immediately if not sooner due to the damage giant sea monster Marrina was doing to shipping and coastal settlements. The other Avengers wanted to at least try to cure her, which Dr Druid saw as a foolish sentiment.

So after Druid mind manipulated into attacking Atlantis to get Namor on board, the Avengers tried a cure Hank Pym whipped up.

It worked for a hot minute before Marrina started turning into a monster again.

Thor and Captain Marvel shocked the transforming Marrina with electricity to try to stop her from transforming. But when it didn’t work, Namor took Black Knight’s extremely cursed sword the Ebony Blade and killed Marrina. With disastrous, to be revealed consequences for Black Knight because the extremely cursed sword had a blood curse on it and whoops slicing Marrina’s head open got blood on the blade.

Only after the fact does Dr Druid notice that Monica disappeared after she tried to shock Marrina.

Where could she beeeeee?

And what will happen to Black Knight?

This will happen.

So, at the end of last issue, he passed out on his Atomic Steed flying device. So when they brought him into the Quinjet, why did they put him near the controls? Don’t they have a medical bed or something in the back?

Anyway, Black Knight is freaking out and thrashing so hard that even Thor and She-Hulk - who can probably throw buildings - are having trouble holding him down.

Cough cough bullshit cough.

He calls out for this sword so Thor being Thor decides nothing wrong with giving a man a sharp object when he’s having a fit.

AND THOR IS RIGHT.

How dare you doubt Thor!

Dane immediately calms down once he has the blade in his hand. So he’s able to explain to the Avengers (who at least knew that the Ebony Blade was extremely cursed) that despite not being the one who did the deed, the curse is upon him as the owner of the sword.

And the first part of the curse is that he feels like his blood is on fire if he’s not holding the extremely cursed sword.

So, that’s going to be a little awkward. Carrying it around everywhere. At least he’s shown in the past that he can magically summon the sword to his hand. Buuut I’m pretty sure the pain of not holding it is so severe that he can’t focus to do that. He couldn’t even focus to pull it from its scabbard at his waist.

Yeah, this is going to suck. You should just go ahead and get one of those locking gauntlets or tie your hand to the hilt. Otherwise, you’re just asking for it to get knocked from your hand to incapacitate you during fights.

Now that he’s not writhing in pain, Black Knight remembers that Monica is missing.

She-Hulk proclaims that Monica has got to be alive! And they really have no reason to jump to the assumption that she’s dead.

Dr Druid, proving himself the worst, thinks to himself: “And good riddance, if she’s not [alive], She-Hulk. Captain Marvel was too soft to have been an effective leader of the Avengers. And her departure from the active ranks couldn’t have been more timely for me.”

I hate you, you fuckboy.

Anyway, Druid proclaims he’s laying in a course so She-Hulk interrupts to insist that they not leave until they find Monica.

Dr Druid: “Please, Jennifer. Don’t let your emotions run away with you. I was about to say I’ve already laid in search pattern coordinates... and calibrated our instruments for a total electromagnetic spectrum and radiation scan. If there’s... anything left of her to find, we’ll find it.”

This reminds me when that future Captain Marvel, Carol Danvers, was on the Avengers as Ms Marvel. When a writer change brought with it disdain for Carol’s feminist roots. So she started taking things people said the wrong way and blowing up at them when really they hadn’t meant it that way at all.

But since Dr Druid is secretly hoping Monica is dead and because he changes his wording from laying out a course to laying out a search pattern, he’s probably just gaslighting She-Hulk.

The Avengers search the Atlantic for hours for a sign of Monica but can’t find anything. With the Quinjet quinfuel running low, She-Hulk finally agrees they’ve done all they could.

Can’t believe Monica is gone forever. And yet Dr Druid is still here for some reason.

Boo.

Back at Hydrobase, She-Hulk and Thor discuss Monica’s disappearance. She-Hulk argues that energy can’t be destroyed so Monica has to be somewhere, right? And Thor don’t know. She just vanished after the big electricity attack.

Meanwhile, Dr Druid excuses himself because, remember, he doesn’t give a fuck and hopes Monica is dead.

Plus, it’s Sex Dream O’Clock.

Dr Druid sits down in an uncomfortable looking chair and immediately feels like someone is calling out to him.

Nebula Kang appears saying she’s the one calling him “for danger threatens at every hand and you are needed.”

Dr Druid goes hey wait you look different from the other sex dream and Nebula realizes, shit, she forgot to turn on the generic blonde filter.

So she does and Dr Druid doesn’t ask follow up questions.

Possibly because Not-Godzilla is attacking.

I should contextualize.

That’s actually Destructikon. He’s come to destroy this ancient sex dream civilization.

And only Super Druid can stop him.

Because this crisis has brought out his Real True Power and given him a slightly better costume.

Super Doctor Druid: “Mine is almost the power of a god! And why not? Is Dr Druid not a man gifted above other men? Older? Wiser? Stronger of spirit? Is it any wonder that ultimate power must be mine?”

Destructikon doesn’t go down in just one punch. And starts smashing up the city.

Super Dr Druid angrily shouts that Destructikon is threatening his people and smashes the beast in the chin.

Sex dream Nebula Kang tells Dr Druid to wrap this up already.

Pfft.

Like, okay. Jumping ahead a little, this whole thing is playing to Dr Druid’s ego. It’s working like a charm. Just scroll up a little and see his speech about how he’s the best dude of all dudes and deserves to be the best.

Consider how as a newbie to the Avengers, he was already thinking “if I ran the zoo!”

Dr Druid is soooo vulnerable to flattery and Nebula Kang is playing him like a fiddle with this savior of the world scenario.

And no surprise that she feeds him a scenario where its good and right to kill a giant monster menacing a world considering he’s just been through the Leviathan Marrina stuff. It doesn’t just play to his ego in a general sense, it’s affirming how he acted recently.

But even she can only take so much before going ‘lets move this along.’

So Druid punches Destructikon’s teeth in and then uses the eye beams that he totally has to explode the beast like a parade float.

Super Doctor Druid: “It is over! Virtue has triumphed over evil. Let those who would enslave humanity in bondage tremble. For the vigilance of Dr Druid is unrelenting... and he shall crush the serpent beneath his heel!”

And after the victory parade, Blonde Nebula Kang waggles her ass at him for him to finally get to the sex part of these ominous power fantasy sex dreams.

I hate this storyline but I do love this extended sequence of Dr Druid turning into Superman and fighting Godzilla. Its so dumb that its great. And the sucker fully buys into the fantasy.

Blonde Nebula Kang tells Dr Druid that he’s now king of whatever place this is because he’s won the right to rule by trial of combat. And suggests not just this world, you’re going to save Earth too and be the big sexy ruler of that planet too.

Once again, he eagerly buys into this.

Dr Druid: “Finally I understand. This is the realm of precognition and I have been granted foreknowledge denied lesser men. You’re right. It is time for Dr Druid to step forward.”

He’s so dumb.

Later, at Hydrobase, She-Hulk bemoans what has happened to the team.

Marrina is dead. Namor is off somewhere chasing monster babies. Captain Marvel is missing. And Black Knight is super cursed.

With bad fashion.

Also with curses.

Holding the Ebony Blade stops Dane from feeling all the cursed agony but his body is slowly paralyzing.

To work around this, he’s built an exoskeleton he can wear over his armor.

It looks bad.

The light purple of whatever its made of messes up his color palette and hides his tunic or whatever with his crest. It looks baaaaaaaaad.

Why not build an exoskeleton that can fit under his armor so he doesn’t look so bad?

His armor is fused to his body and can’t be taken off.

Truly, this is a lot of curse.

Also, the curse gives him a bad attitude.

When She-Hulk suggests calling reserve members since they’re down to four people, Black Knight explodes in a torrent of insults at everyone who isn’t him.

Black Knight: “The Waspis no brain surgeon, Hercules was an airhead, Mantis became a cosmic valley girl, the Black Widow was always a waste... Starfox a mincing fop, and the rest of them weren’t worth a tinker’s dam! Not a decent warrior among the lot! Would Good King Richard have countenanced such wastrels in his legions? Aargh!”

How dare you speak ill of the Wasp!

Go to your room and think about what you’ve done!

(Oh, and he’s back to thinking he’s from Crusade times. Except now its explicitly something happening because the curse is fucking his brain, and not because Simonson didn’t get the character.)

The curse also apparently gives Black Knight A SIXTH SENSE OOOOooooOoooOOO spooky. Because he senses an intruder in the building when none of the security systems do.

This curse sure does a lot.

But Black Knight is insistent that there’s an intruder so the Avengers decide to form a search party and go room by room.

(Also, Jarvis is here. He delivers the exposition about Black Knight being fused to his armor. He doesn’t do a lot else so I wanted to just say Hi Jarvis! I appreciate you!)

It doesn’t take long before the Avengers find the “intruder” that Black Knight sensed.

A plume of energy erupts from the floor and forms into the shape of... Captain Marvel!

Hi Monica! I appreciate you!

But she’s not looking food. She looks emaciated and is at death’s door from exhaustion.

What could have happened to her??

Bad writing? Web MD says these are the symptoms of bad writing!

The Avengers call the hospital and Thor personally flies her there. Very alarmed that she feels lighter than a feather in his arms.

But have you considered Thor that your arms are massive? You’re really strong. Maybe that’s why she feels so light?

But now we look into the Kang subplot.

Nebula Kang is preparing to ditch.

She changes out of her Kang armor and into a casual outfit. Casual but just loaded with cleverly hidden technology. Perfect for the modern terrible lady on the go.

Nebula Kang: “Farewell, Kangs great and small. You may all be masters of temporality, able to travel at will through and across time without limit... But your collective times are running out! When next we meet... it shall be without compassion, without compromise, without facemasks!”

Her only regret is that she didn’t find the time to give Fred Kang a fuck but doesn’t think he has any information or technology that would be helpful to her.

Then she disguises herself as Blonde Sex Dream Lady again and gets in the warp hatch.

Where she selects the Far Out option.

... That seems way too whimsical to be Kang technology. They all hate whimsy.

But as she warps, Fred Kang (Kang-123488.23497) is spying on her. He didn’t trust the way she flirted with him so he watched her change clothes and go to use the warp hatch.

He’s very confused that she’s going to Earth and specifically the Earth of his own time stream. (Fred Kang is from the current Avengers time stream? Huh. But she specifically goes to the current day and to Hydrobase.

But while Fred Kang has been spying on Nebula Kang, Beard Kang and Yellow Mask Kang have been spying on him.

TOO MANY KANGS!

Beard Kang is apparently called Lord Kang and Yellow Mask Kang is apparently called Kang Cobra but we’ll see if I use those names instead of Beard Kang and Yellow Mask Kang.

Beard Kang has a beard and its coming out of his mask somehow. Why wouldn’t I call him Beard Kang?

Anyway, Beard Kang and Yellow Mask Kang have been spying on Fred Kang, as the newest Kang in their Kangllective. I can’t believe they went with the name Council of Cross-Time Kangs when Kangllective was right there. They could do Kangllective Action.

Anyway again. Fred Kang seemed like any other Kang, except for taking a shorter time to adjust than usual. But when Yellow Mask Kang was spying on him, he became unable to pinpoint Fred Kang’s actual physical location because Fred Kang is “jumping randomly back and forth through nanoseconds of time.”

Y’know, as ya do.

But the result is, Yellow Mask Kang isn’t able to figure out what Fred Kang is up to.

Beard Kang decides that its time to have a talk with their new pal Fred Kang.

Meanwhile, AT THE ACTUAL PLOT,She-Hulk and Grumpy Black Knight have gone to pick up Monica’s parents to take them to the hospital.

Did Monica ever mention that her parents were in on the secret? Because this would be really presumptive if she didn’t.

She-Hulk gives the explanation for what happened with Monica, giving the poor woman one last kick while she’s down.

As I said last East Coast Avengers post, when Captain Monica tried to electrocute Leviathan Marrina the same way Thor did, Monica fucked up because god forbid she do anything right ever. She somehow managed to electrify the entire Atlantic Ocean, vaporized trillions of tons of water which will surely do something to the climate, and dissipating her energy so that when she managed to reform she was all emaciated.

IN FAIRNESS, this is following up on an established downside of Monica’s powers. If she overuses them, she loses some of her own mass. This happened when she overexerted herself to knock down the shields of the Sanctuary II.

In unfairness, she did that to help take out an enemy that was willing to and capable of blowing up planets. This recent happening happens because by editorial mandate, she’s a dipshit who can’t even tie her shoes, one imagines.

Sigh.

Thor greets the Rambeaus before they see Monica and tries to set expectations for what kind of shape she’s in.

Because she looks like she’s terminally ill.

Maria declares Monica should come home with them so they can nurse her back to health. With home cooking.

Monica admits that she’s not capable of Avengersing right now so that’s probably a good idea.

Leading Dr Druid to smoothly butt into this family conversation to insist that a new chairman be selected right now. I mean, they’re all already here, right?

Then he kicks the Rambeaus out of the room so the Avengers can talk shop.

She-Hulk: “For crying out loud, doc.”

For real.

As soon as the concerned parents have been booted from the room, Dr Druid nominates himself.

Why shouldn’t the newest person on the team not lead?

Okay, I’m being very critical. Monica was newish to the team but not the newest. This is not like that.

But as Dr Druid argues:

“The Black Knight is partially incapacitated, Thor has other concerns than just the Avengers... and the SHe-Hulk, with all due respect, fails to project the proper image of leadership while wearing purple leotards.”

... GET HIS ASS JEN.

Fucker in his feetie pajamas thinks he can throw stones about someone’s costume!

I CANNOT believe.

Black Knight chimes in to say that he admires the image She-Hulk projects.

So some people in this room have taste.

Thor privately wonders if any of the people on the team can handle the responsibility of leadership.

And Dr Druid starts panicking when Thor asks Monica her opinion.

Generic Blonde Nebula Kang pops into his thoughts to tell him not to let his dreams be dreams so Dr Druid decides to be like every other Marvel psychic. An invasive asshole.

He uses his powers to force Monica to say that Dr Druid would be a wise choice. When a skeptical She-Hulk asks Thor what he thinks, Dr Druid uses his powers again.

I can’t tell if Druid fails or succeeds in this attempt. Thor somewhat suspects that his thoughts are being manipulated and shouts NO! unprompted. And then says that as the most experienced person still on the team, he’d make the best choice. But: he’ll agree with the majority decision.

Democracy! It’s good! When the votes aren’t manipulated!

Dr Druid makes She-Hulk says that he’s the best man for the job. Black Knight seems about to go into one of his Crusades adjacent rants about Dr Druid but a little bit of the ol’ psychic razzle dazzle and Black Knight is instead saying Dr Druid is the best candidate for chairman and in fact, Richard the Lionheart would think he was really cool.

So that’s four votes for Dr Druid and one for Thor.

Thor is suspicious about the way things played out but doesn’t seem willing to call it out.

(I will say that having Druid’s thought bubble merged with the speech balloons is a good way to show psychic manipulation.)

New Chairman of the Avengers Dr Druid arranges for the Rambeaus to be sent back to Atlanta. By public plane, not by Quinjet. Pssh, sure Monica was the former chairwoman but she doesn’t require the Avengers’ personal attention any more!

Dr Druid: “But the Avengers must prepare themselves for battle! The cosmos reverberates with the approach of unseen foes. Our enemies are gathering and the time is coming when we must face them together as a team. All of us! For the Avengers have a new leader. And the future is going to be much different than anyone expects!”

I wish him a very stub his toe.

Follow @essential-avengers and you too can wish bad occurrences on Dr Druid. Like and reblog and maybe comment. I’m lonely down here in the italics.

#avengers #essential avengers #Dr Druid #Captain Marvel #Monica Rambeau #Black Knight #She Hulk #Thor #team is in bad shape #Edwin Jarvis #the Rambeaus #Kang the Conqueror #Fred Kang #Nebula Kang #Council of Cross Time Kangs #essential marvel liveblogging

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cindyfelicia · 1 year

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[ID: panel of spiderman in his costume covering his face with his hands and saying: “.. you know I actually did read some Ayn Rand in college? I spent a week thinking I was, like, the new John Galt. Yelled at some protesters. Fun times. God I hate myself.”]

this is so funny mr ewing are we shit talking steve ditko? *that one vine voice* is that allowed? is that allowed?

#I say that as if I wasnt shit talking ditko with sasha just last week #fra reads stuff #woof oldie moldie tag I haven't liveblogged a comic in centuries #this is from capt america and the mighty avengers

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thequiver · 6 months

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IF PIETRO MAXIMOFF STRAIGHT WHY CLINT BARTON?

IF CLINT BARTON STRAIGHT WHY PIETRO MAXIMOFF?

HMMM?

HMMMMMMM?????

#pietro maximoff #quicksilver #clint barton #hawkeye #avengers (1963)#mari liveblogs comics

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marsbotz · 3 months

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OK OK sorry sorry ill stop hulk posting now. im going to bed

#ill actually try to reduce liveblogging stuff too i just got excited -_- wont let it happen again LOL #URGHHHHHH THO….. its soooo painful im literlaly the only hulk fan ever …. (lying)#so funny i remember the exact moment i became obsessed last yr too #i was watching the first avengers and it was the line where banners like #‘the cell was just in case you needed to kill me but you CANT. i KNOW i TRIED’#‘i got low and i didnt see an end so i put a bullet in my mouth and the other guy spit it out’#like….. jaw drop.#that entire scene is so crazy good btw. the dramaaaa #it hurts soooo fucking bad seeing everyone try to like coddle banner acting like its bc they care #when rlly theyre just scared of him #OOHHGGGGHG. shout out to the incredible hulk and avenegers assemble fro being the litwrally only two good hulk films #i kinda hate what the mcu has become but at the start it rlly was crazy cool

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lettingtimepass · 4 days

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In honor of 6 years of Infinity War and 5 years of Endgame, it's time....

It's FINALLY time for my back-to-back rewatch. I did some digging and I haven't watched Infinity War since May 2021, and I haven't watched Endgame since DECEMBER 2019. WHAT THE HELL???

So, yeah watch this space!!

Infinity War Rewatch

Gawd, I don't know if the beginning it going to hurt more or less knowing what happens to Loki....

They did Heimdall so dirty idc

MY BABYGIRL 😭😭😭 (OG Loki)

Loki saying "We have a hulk" means so much to meeee 😭

"IF I MIGHT INTERJECT" BITCH YOU MIGHT HAVE LIVED!!!

The fact that Thor's last words to Loki were "You really are the worst, Brother" probably haunted Thor for so long, and that HURTS.

I will say one of the best things to come out of the Loki series is that all the theories we had about Loki faking his death and actually being alive were actually validated! Yes, Sacred Timeline Loki died, but there was a version that tricked Thanos and lived.

Tony said "no more surprises" to Pepper and then he was in space for weeks/months (can't remember exactly) and came back nearly dead - You get why he fucked off for 5 years.

THE STANNER HUG, PEOPLE DIED.

Tony and Cap "we're not on speaking terms" but he apparently carried the flip phone everywhere for two years? 🥲

STAN LEE 😭😭 We miss you sir.

I wonder if Chris Pratt's downfall actually started with Peter Quill screwing up everything in this movie 😭🤣

I will say, I really enjoy that at least the beginning of IW has a lot of comic relief. I feel like Endgame was more serious overall.

Man I can't remember, how did any of the Asgardians survive Thanos' attack?

BEARDED CAP - THE SEXIEST A MAN HAS EVER LOOKED!!

NATASHA ROMANOFF I LOVE YOU!

"There's an Ant-Man and a Spider-Man?" I love you Bruce.

The couple parallels? Stange+Stark and Thor+Quill with battling egos, Quill+Gamora and Wanda+Vision both trying to self-sacrifice with the other not wanting to give them up.

Chris H truly gave such a great performance as heartbroken Thor 🥺

"Does it have a name?" "Stormbreaker." "It's a bit much."

"Kick names, take ass."

The gasp when Red Skull came back!!

Cap says we're going "home" but Sam implies that they haven't been to Wakanda. For Cap, "home" meant Bucky 🥺

"SEMI-STABLE 100 YEAR OLD MAN" Buckkyyy

There's definitely something sweet about Bruce being in the Hulk Buster!

"It'll kill you." "Only if I die!" "Yes, that's what... killing you means...." NEVER NOT FUNNY

I mean, Strombreaker being made out of fucking Groot is pretty badass.

THOR'S ENTRANCE!!! BITCH HE LIVED!!!!

"She's not alone." I don't care if it's cringe, I love a girl power moment!! It shows how far we've come!! There no longer just has to be one girl superhero!!

Thor my golden boy, you were so close 😭😭😭

HERE IT COMES...... I'll never forget the gasps in the theater when everyone started dusting....

And now after watching GOTG3 it's so much worse that Groot goes in front of Rocket 😭

Tony and Nebula being the last survivors was inspired.

Me: What was the post credit scene again? Ohhhh yeahhhh, the Captain Marvel teaser! Of course.

And thats Infinity War! I'll be back tomorrow for Endgame! 🖤🖤

Endgame Rewatch

CLINT I MISSED YOU!!!

Lila could have been the next Hawkeye if she hadn't been dusted 🥲

Tony and Nebula 😭😭😭

Tony working with Nebula to save them mirroring Tony building Iron Man in the cave to save himself 😭

Steve Rodgers: From "language" to "son of a bitch" MY BOY HAS GROWN

GAY JOE RUSSO!!

Don't get me started on bringing back Peggy DON'T GET ME STARTED 😤

And DON'T get me started on the symbolism of Nat's hair!! In each movie, she has perfectly intentional hair. Except now that they've lost their mission, he lets her hair grow out. She can't let go of the blonde. The blonde that reminds her what they're fighting for. Of her failure, but also for the last time she saw everyone. The last time things were normal.

The rat being the savior of the universe!

Dad Tony 😭 I'm kinda surprised Morgan hasn't made another appearance yet. Maybe when she's a bit older...

Time Heist!!!

Remember when I was afraid that them traveling in time would mess up the timeline and make it so Morgan wasn't born? God that would've been rough.

I love that now the kids love Hulk though 🥹 "Dab!" He deserves this!!

Man, Pepper and Tony really love each other so much 🥺 Peper knew Tony might not make it back. But she also knew Tony wouldn't be able to live with himself if he didn't try.

Oh no, how did I forget about Bruce and Rocket going to get Thor? 😭

The Russos were so sick for making Thor's trauma a joke. However I kinda understand why they did it because otherwise it would have been WAY too dark.

The amount of regret Clint must have felt after Nat died and he realized he could have spent the last five years with her and chose not to.

Scott being the only one invested in Thor's story 😭

The elevator scene!!! "Hail Hydra" everyone was GAGGED!!!

There goes my baby girl to meet the love of his life 🥹 (Loki stealing the cube)

Thor's smile when he gets Mjnolnir 🥹 "I'm still worthy." Yes you are ❤️

"Make love, not war!" ✌️

Ugh, the double Nebula thing is really annoying. I guess they had to do it to get Thanos in the mix but ehhh.

THE OG BIG THREE!!! And Thor's transformation with Mjnolnir and Stormbreaker! So badass!

When Strange signals ☝️ to Tony, is he saying Carol was their one chance to win, or was he just telling Tony, this is it?

The fact that Peter basically became an Avenger and then lost Tony in one day 😭

The fact that Chadwick was sick when they were filming these movies kills me 😥

Happy taking care of Morgan 😭😭

I still love that they brought Harley back 🥹

Bucky knew Steve wasn't gonna come back. He knew he was gonna choose Peggy over him 💔

"No, I don't think I will" - I wonder if they knew this line would become a meme hahaha

So, did past Steve and Peggy have kids? This feels like it could be a potential plot point.

MY FAVORITE END CREDITS!! I still tear up every time 🥺 The Original 6 just mean so much to me 😭

Also I noticed for Tom Hiddleston's clip they chose Prince Loki in his golden horns, not villain Loki. That's a nice touch. 💚

And there ends an era. Are there things that annoyed me? Yes, but overall I still feel like it was a solid ending for Tony and Cap (and Natasha but we got the Black Widow movie after).

#wheeeee #Endgame #Avengers Endgame #Infinity War #Avengers #Marvel #Avengers Era #MCU #Infinity War Rewatch #Endgame Rewatch #Infinity Saga #IW #Marvel rewatch #Marvel liveblog #Endgame liveblog #Infinity War liveblog

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frankensteins-mt-dew · 19 days

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🎶THIS GIRL IS ON FIYA🎶

#Avenge your man!#critical role #cr spoilers #cr liveblog

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lovecatsys · 2 months

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Melter???

#comic liveblog #fake young avengers?? and melter is on it??

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televinita · 11 months

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"I don't think you understand what you've started, letting the Avengers loose in this world."

--PROPHECY! a.k.a. terrible, horrible self-awareness

#avengers liveblog #anyway i'm done #I can't be too mad at its success because it eventually created some content that was worth ti #but holy hell did this bring my lifelong 'superheroes are dum and stupid' stance roaring back to life #i gotta regrow my patience for fight scenes because honestly I had no reservations about them in the clips of TDW #and honestly was kind of excited for it #but after approximately one straight hour of shooting and building smashing my crankiness has returned

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sanchoyo · 1 year

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u might not like it but THIS is the ideal male form

#JKHSDKF WHY DOES HE LOOK LIKE THAT. SIR YOUR LIMBS? YOUR ORGANS?#WHERE ARE U KEEPING UR ORGANS?#AAH!!!!! BAD. look at him standing beside shinji too. shinjis head is bigger than the dudes waist??? UM #also im pissed we start the second round w this dude v yuzu #since hes been hyped up as a big adversary guy or whatever uuuugh theyre gonna have him win and yuya have to avenge her arent they #stoppppp doing this to her!!#in an ideal world shed wipe the fucking floor with this guy and win the whole thing. jack lichrally said while dining with reiji #he saw the most promise in HER!!!#IM SO ACTUALLY MAD.#WHATEVER ITS FINE <- is still mad tho #sanchoyorambles #sanchoyo liveblogs arc v #arc v #ygo

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imperialstark · 1 year

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things that make you go hmm

#stony #steve rogers #tony stark #marvel #mcu #avengers: age of ultron #gabi liveblogs

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indigoire · 1 year

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LMAO Fearne doing The Lullaby to Chet, that's hilarious.

#also ship fodder fuel thanks Ashley 😘#critical role #cr spoilers #cr3 #cr liveblog #I love dunking on the second Avengers movie it is my favorite thing to do

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thebibliomancer · 1 year

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Essential Avengers: Avengers #282: CAPTIVES

August, 1987

Prisoners of the GODS!

In one sense, prisoners of the gods, yes, that is going on. The Avengers are clearly imprisoned by one or more gods.

But did you ever consider that from the gods’ perspective, its a gotta catch ‘em all of the Avengers?

I mean, Neptune (geez Marvel, stick to either Roman or Greek pantheons ffs) went out of his way to catch Namor and Namor hasn’t been on the team since before the Masters of Evil thing.

That’s completionist energy.

Wait... is the Collector behind this? Yeah, he died but when has that ever stopped anyone in comics for long?

ANYWAY

Last times on Avengers: the Masters of Evil attacked the Avengers and managed to smash up the mansion and beat Hercules into a coma. There was a roster shake up as Thor and She-Hulk cycled back in, Dr Druid joined for some reason, Wasp went on a well-deserved vacation, and Hercules was in a coma.

That last point is the sticking point of this arc, it seems. Because Hermes kidnapped Hercules out of the hospital and then lured Thor to Olympus so Hephaestus and Ares could beat him up. While Hermes, Dionysus, and Artemis beat up the Avengers on Earth, partially by tricking She-Hulk into eating a drugged cherry Italian ice.

With the Avengers sufficiently beat the shit up, Zeus appeared to tell them they were on his shit list for letting Hercules make bad decisions and get beaten into a coma.

And rather than seek revenge on the ones who did the beating, Zeus is taking it out on the Avengers.

Because Zeus is a dick.

The story continues!

The story continues with Namor minding his own business for a change, just enjoying hanging out with his new wife Marrina (oh hey, congrats!) when the ocean goes nuts with the shaking.

Namor saves some people that rocks fell on and then swims out with Marrina to investigate.

They notice some Atlantean refugees fleeing and go to help them because they’re the cool guys brave enough to join Namor in exile rather than live in Attuma ruled Atlantis.

But then Neptune pops up out of the ground, yells at Namor for questioning his will when Namor asks about the earthseaquakes, and then drags Namor down to hell.

Saying “that happened” can be a cheap joke but really, the Atlantean refugees and Marrina standing around looking at the crack in the ground that a god popped out of and then sank back into after kidnapping their king has peak “that happened” energy.

Of course, I was joking about Neptune dragging Namor to hell.

He brings him to Hades instead.

Because god of oceans, he can just pop right out of the River Styx.

Neptune expresses some regret that things gotta be how they’re being and that Namor deserves better than this (open to debate). Why, if it weren’t for Neptune’s covenant with Zeus, Neptune never would have reverse raptured Namor to Hades.

But the brotherly covenant is a thing so Neptune turns Namor over to Cerberus to bring to Pluto.

EXCEPT HOLD ON

THIS INDIVIDUAL MAY BE CALLED CERBERUS BUT HE IS NO CERBERUS OF MINE!

Greek god dammit, Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, are there no monsters of myth you won’t just turn into a grimacing dude in Kirbarian armor??

Boo!

Anyway.

Namor comes to while I Refuse To Call Him Cerberus is hauling him across the dismal fields of Hades like a sack of damp potatoes.

The Abstastic Avenger slips loose and tries to choke Not Cerberus with his shackles despite the dude wearing a helmet that covers his throat. And Cerberus just breaks the chain anyway so the whole exercise was a little pointless.

Well, almost pointless.

Namor was looking for answers and he got answers and stepped on to boot.

Namor: Tell me now -- who are you? Where am I? Why have I been brought here? Speak!”

Not Cerberus: “You think to threaten Cerberus?! Truly you are bereft of all reason! Know ye, mortal, that Cerberus is guardian of Hades, land of the unliving! ‘Tis there you be... by the grace of my Master Pluto and the will of Zeus!”

Namor throws Not Cerberus off of himself and then decides that really what he needs to do now is take a nice refreshing dip.

Except the nearest water is the River Styx and its full of monsters and it flows into the River Phlegethon WHICH IS ON FIRE!

He’s having a bad time.

Namor washes up unconscious on the shore observed by a shadowy figure.

But this is apparently one of those beneficent shadowy figures because when Namor regains consciousness again, he finds that his shackles are gone and burns that should have taken months to heal have gone away with a quick nap.

(Is Namor an JRPG character?)

(No.)

The shadowy figure introduces himself, or rather doesn’t introduce himself, but at least announces his presence and explains to Namor that he healed him with various poultices.

Oh, I see. Just an ordinary doctor passing by, is it?

The mysterious cloaked figure who pointedly does not tell Namor his name also tells Namor that he was brought to Hades to join the Avengers in captivity and WOULDN’T YOU KNOW IT, the Avengers are being held in the garrison of the accursed Fortress Tartarus just to the right.

Can’t miss it.

Then the mysterious cloaked figure vanishes into the mists rather than answer any more questions.

Mysterious cloaked figure, vanishing into the mists: “I can say no more. The fate of the Avengers now depends on you! Do not fail them, Namor... do not fail”

I guess people don’t become mysterious cloaked and/or shadowy figures unless they love drama.

Anyway.

Namor heads to the doom fortress and finding no entrances makes one by punching the crap out of a drainage duct.

Where he immediately runs into some soldiers of Hades. Who he immediately beats up because he’s Namor. He also steals the armor off of one because yes, we’re going full... whatever you call this. Death Star infiltration? Its a trope and it definitely predates Star Wars.

Before long, Armored Variant Namor finds the deepest dungeon that the Avengers are being held in.

And I guess the order of the day is just random torture? The gods beat up the Avengers and threw them to Hades and now they’re just being randomly tortured?

Captain America is attached to a big wheel, Dr Druid is here for some reason and hanging from shackles, Captain Marvel is in a metal sarcophagus which is blocking her powers, and in an effective but cruel twist She-Hulk is chained to Black Knight.

Maybe the dungeons of Hades didn’t have anything strong enough to hold her but by chaining her to Black Knight, they made it so the only way She-Hulk can bust herself loose is to tear Black Knight in half.

Afraid of the torturers using the imprisoned Avengers as hostages, Namor pretends he’s just another guard who wants to steal the spoils for himself.

He punches all the guards who are pawing over what they took from the Avengers, claims that its all his now, and dismissively throws away Cap(tain America)’s shield as gaudy.

It just so happens that the throw bonks the shield off the chains holding She-Hulk and Black Knight together but nobody notices that over what a dick disguised Namor is being.

His secret superpower is taking up so much oxygen in the room that nobody notices anything but ‘and now here’s this asshole.’

The torturer that was about to torture Black Knight goes to attack disguised Namor with Black Knight’s blade but freed by the shield bonk, Black Knight does that thing he can do that he doesn’t get enough chances to do.

He summons the extremely cursed Ebony Blade out of the torturer’s hands and into his own. And then he knocks out the torturer with the flat of the blade.

While She-Hulk joins disguised Namor in beating the crap out of the guards, Black Knight rushes over to cut Cap(tain America) loose from the big wheel. But Cap(tain America) tells him to free Cap(tain Marvel) first instead.

In fairness, she’s maybe their biggest gun.

Black Knight figures that the metal sarcophagus is probably enchanted to contain Monica but luckily Black Knight’s extremely cursed sword can cut through it.

Captain Marvel is ready to get some revenge for being locked in a box but She-Hulk and Namor didn’t leave any guards left unpunched.

But the breakout isn’t complete as Dr Druid notices that Thor isn’t in this dungeon so now they gotta go find him.

Of course, that just makes Namor wonder ‘hey actually what the here is going on here?’

Because he still has no idea what the plot is. He’s just been acting on punchstinct.

Of also course, the Avengers had no idea they were in Hades so everyone is a little surprised right now.

Captain Marvel does her Avengers chairperson duty of expositing the previous issue, to fill in Namor.

Actually though, the recap is only one panel and one additional narrative caption. The rest of the flashback is new content.

Pretty neat although it does mean that the entire previous issue gets smooshed down to ‘Hercules’ family ambushed us and took us to Olympus so Zeus could yell at us. What a dick.’

And yeah, what a dick.

When Zeus blames the Avengers for Hercules’ condition, Captains America and Marvel defend themselves by saying it was Hercules’ own dumbass that got his dumb ass beaten to near death.

Which... maybe not the best tone to take to a grieving, vengeful father?

Zeus: “Lies! I have learned how Hercules suffered your taunts and torments! I will not hear the lies of mortals!”

Thor suggests that maybe the truth will sound more believable coming from a fellow god and longtime friend to Hercules like.... well, Thor.

But Zeus takes the bold move of claiming that Thor isn’t Thor because hey what’s with that new armor. Also, even if you are Thor, screw you Thor, mighty Zeus don’t listen to a god that’s “so servile to mortal beings”.

Thor gets angry at being called servile and just FLEXES out of his bonds, then runs over and punches Ares who had the misfortune of being the wrong extremely punchable face at the wrong time and place.

But Zeus just zaps Thor, which I presume freezes or knocks out Thor. Dunno, flashback ends.

Either way, that’s how they got from last issue to now. And the bonds the Olympians put on the Avengers prevented them from using their powers. The Olympians knocked them out and then next thing they knew, they were in a dungeon.

Namor blames himself for being absent because maybe if he’d been around, Hercules wouldn’t have gotten so hurt.

Which Black Knight dismisses as ‘no, dumbass would still have managed it.’

The Avengers run into a massive army of Hades’ soldiers? Goons? Guards?

Why does Hades have so many employees??

The Avengers start making short work of them because c’mon. They’re a faceless army of mooks. They exist to make the Avengers look cool.

She-Hulk even hits one dude with another dude.

The only thing they have going for them is numbers. Thousands of numbers.

But that’s just a ‘don’t let them surround you but do keep doing your cool moves’ moment, not a ‘we should retreat because we’re massively outnumbered.’

Dr Druid even gets to make some of the warriors see an illusory image of him to get them to hit each other.

Pretty good.

I like that his powers require him to be a little creative.

Black Knight continues being a dude with a sword who doesn’t like hitting people with a sword. But he can hit other peoples’ weapons with your weapons to break their weapons.

The things that cannot be cut by his Ebony Blade, forged by Merlin, are next to none.

Captain America takes a moment out of punching dudes to watch Namor punch dudes and pines for him to rejoin the Avengers.

I swear, nobody likes Namor more than Captain America does.

And She-Hulk punches dudes but then grabs one and demands to know where Thor is.

This is the army of the dead so do they have anything to fear from her? I mean, aside from pain. Nobody wants to be punched by a Hulk multiple times.

Apparently the guy does tell She-Hulk where Thor is because the scene cuts to where Pluto is keeping him prisoner by having a giant rock block placed on top of him.

Is this comeuppance for all the people he’s pinned under Mjolnir?

Also, like many fictional depictions of Hades/Pluto, he is just a jerk.

Pluto: “It has been centuries since brother Zeus allowed me any new subjects to do with as I wish! Having you at my mercy is a treat far sweeter than this honeyed wine, Asgardian -- you’ve interfered with all too many of my plans!’

Dang, Pluto Hades hasn’t been the same since his wife left him, I assume.

(It’d be funny if Persephone was around and was like ‘you’re doing great, dear’)

The guy I will never acknowledge as Cerberus comes in and tells Pluto that Namor jumped into the Styx so is probably super dead and Pluto calls him an idiot for just assuming that a guy called the Sub-Mariner wouldn’t survive being dunked in a dangerous river.

Instantly proven correct because the Avengers and Namor bust in right after Pluto tells Not Cerberus to go find Namor. Namor and She-Hulk punch Cerberus and knock him out and right on top of Pluto.

Black Knight breaks the giant rock block on top of Thor with a pretty sweet sword throw and Captain Marvel CHOOMs Thor’s shackles off.

Captain America notes that Thor doesn’t seem alright lately and Thor decides to confide in his best mortal friends, the Avengers and also Dr Druid who is there for some reason.

You know the deal or should if you’ve read Walt Simonson’s run on Thor, which you should.

Thor: “The death-goddess Hela has put a curse ‘pon me... rendering my bones brittle and unable to heal, while granting me life eternal... so that I would have no escape from the pain! In recent days, I have known agony beyond imagining. I created this armor to hold together my shattered body, that I might still function as befits a son of Odin. I... regret I did not tell you this before.”

Pluto, who of course is still in the room and hasn’t even been too inconvenienced by having a not-giant not-doggo dropped on him comments that he wished he knew about Thor’s curse so that he could have arranged more painful accommodations than just putting a giant rock block on him.

Thor warns that Pluto’s power is second only to that of Zeus (wow, get fucked Neptune Poseidon I guess) which the Avengers doubt until Pluto shoots some pew pew blasts at them.

Its not really selling the second only to Zeus who is equivalent of Odin thing even if he says he’s trying to torment them, not kill.

Either way, Captain Marvel blasts the ground so Pluto loses his footing and then everyone RUN AWAYYYYY on her command.

Fall back, technically. Its the more tactical version of FLEEEE but either way its a retreat which Namor hates but does anyway.

And She-Hulk busts the door on her way out so it’ll be harder for Pluto to chase them.

Because yes definitely the room only had one entrance and I bet he can’t just OH YEAH through the wall, being second only to Zeus and all.

Since Mjolnir is trapped on Olympus and none of the other Avengers have portal powers, the Avengers head towards the only path between Hades and Olympus.

THE PATHWAY OF INFINITY!

Its called a pathway, Thor calls it a bridge, and Black Knight calls it a stairway to heaven.

But it looks like a particularly wide ramp.

Cool of Olympus to be wheelchair accessible.

Maybe the grade is too steep? I really can’t tell.

The Avengers set up? down? the PATHWAY OF INFINITY! Thor tells Captain Marvel not to fly too high above the path because it is all the links the two realms of Hades and Olympus and to stray risks becoming lost in the abyss.

And Monica has gotten lost in an abyss enough for one life, thank you.

Unfortunately, it didn’t take Pluto long to catch up with his hell army and his giant hell tank and his giant hell tank blows up a portion of the bridge (he calls it a bridge. Can a pathway be a bridge? I swear, it looks like a ramp).

The Avengers all stand near the broken portion discussing how they don’t have time to fly or jump across before the army of Hades is upon them.

Maybe if you spent less time verbally establishing that fact and more time hustling?

Also, the bridge looks a lot less wide now for some reason.

Thor volunteers to stay behind and hold off the hell army.

Which has to be reminding him of something in his recent past. I mean. A bridge. A hell army. Is he thinking of Skurge right now? Thinking it should have been him instead?

Didn’t Skurge bonk him on the head and send him away with the others at the time because he felt Thor was less expendable? Could be a survivor’s guilt thing.

I don’t know if that was on Roger Stern’s mind when he was writing this though. Could be a coincidence.

Anyway, Captain Marvel, as leader, tells Thor fuck that idea. They’re not leaving anyone behind.

Captain Marvel: “Stand or fall, we’re all in this together!”

Thor: “I cannot dissuade you? Then, so be it! Though every demon in Hades rises ‘gainst us, let the Netherworld rock with the power of the Avengers!”

Heaven or Hell, Lets Rock!

Gosh, how will the Avengers get out of this one?

I mean, the hell army is no big deal. They’ve already beaten up thousands of Pluto’s guards.

The big man himself and his big tank are more of a concern.

Also: WHY DOES PLUTO HAVE A TANK??

Follow @essential-avengers to learn the answer for why Pluto has a tank. Just kidding, I have no idea! Like and reblog please!

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