#bc i also do more neutral ones for non-binary ppl :)

[detransraichu]

okay so. controversial statement, once again lol. and this applies more easily to binary trans ppl than nonbinary ppl, or trans ppl who want to transition and pass as the opposite sex.

(if you disagree with me saying opposite sex, implying there's only two, why do we only say afab and amab? why does it matter in discussions? why do we say male dog and female cat and don't mention intersex (DSD) animals? amab ppl are of the sex that can produce smaller spermatozoa gametes, and afab ppl are of the sex that can produce larger gametes (ova), whether or not they're fertile. and people with DSDs are variety of one of those, there are no third options. lmk if you can disprove that. but imo that's why there's two sexes, and why those sexes matter in social justice discussions.)

i think if trans folks had just said, like old school transsexuals used to say, "i want to become part of the opposite sex socially, i want to live being perceived and/or treated as the opposite sex" a HUGE amount of trans vs non-trans issues would be gone. transness once used a language that wasn't telling bio men and bio women that manhood/womanhood means having manly or womanly feelings in one's head, identifying as a man/woman - when actually most people have historically ALWAYS used man/woman as just neutral body types (well, neutral without misogyny lol) one is born into, not an identity - and it said what trans people actually want and request from bio men & women. it says that you have been debilitated by an unusual condition that creates a disconnect from your sex at birth, and that after lots of therapy and self-introspection you and your doctors saw it just wasn't going away. instead of being combative you politely ask to be accomodated to a reasonable degree, and to be allowed to transition to look like the opposite sex and be treated as such, whether other people understand it or not, without assuming what the opposite sex goes thru bc you haven't experienced it at all, at least not yet. it was disability accomodations in a way, more similar to disability activism than gay & bi activism, and was seen as a disconnect in the brain, something being wrong, not a neutral trait like someone simply being born capable of homosexual attraction

this phrasing of "wanting to live as the opposite sex" would recognize that you're not a man/woman from birth and you don't live as a man/woman right now, you have no clue what it's actually like, bc you don't live that way. and you recognize that's literally all being a man/woman means and has always meant, it's that you live in a certain body type and are seen like that in your everyday life without needing to wear pronoun pins or disclosing it. you are part of the population that either risks misogyny or avoids it. and not just conditionally avoids misogyny btw, bc afab ppl are still oppressed under misogyny for their upbringing and their body type medically, no matter how many surgeries they get. and imo transfems experience terrible yet conditional misogyny which ends if they're outed, at that point they're treated as gnc men again, no matter how transitioned they are (which also fucking sucks). they also need to listen to bio women!! and transmascs! and afab people should listen to transfemmes' unique experiences too! everybody needs to listen to eachother and give eachother space to have a voice!

i think some people may identify as a man/woman but not plan to ever live as such, and they should acknowledge it, see it as just a personal life thing if they're not questioning transitioning to be seen as the opposite sex. they shouldn't claim bio male or bio female or transsexual experiences. they shouldn't blame average bio men and women for not being trans and for society not being trans-centric by default. they're blaming others instead of coming to terms with their unique and difficult circumstances and trying to communicate their experiences and needs with cis society respectfully. y'know, like older transsexuals tended to focus on, instead of trying to fundamentally change language and affect women's rights. older transsexual generations tended to show so much more care to bio/cis women, they tended to be wayyy more protective of bio women. and trans women knew that they were immigrating into womanhood, and shouldn't claim to be born into it or affect women's rights in any negative way. they knew they had been privileged of not living under misogyny up until this point. bio women didn't understand transfem life, and transfemmes didn't understand bio women's lives at all, at least until transitioning, usually later in life. older transfemmes and male crossdressers had such a radically different dynamic with bio women even just 20 years ago. it's sad, honestly.

i think trans ppl who have no plans of ever transitioning are closer to living gnc lives than trans(sexual) lives. i think they have radically different experiences and needs than transsexuals. transgender & transsexual maybe should become two different categories? they used to be iirc. and cis feminists have different issues with each side, but usually wayyy more with transgender folks bc they tend to unfortunately be loud and inappropriately try to claim bio women's, transmascs' and transitioned transfems' experiences with ACTUALLY facing misogyny or the oppression and violence that gnc amab people who are actually seen as such in society face. not just gncphobia (is that a term?) and ppl being weirded out and confused by them. non-dysphoric transmascs also at times show weird misogyny, bc of their disconnect from womanhood, and an obsession with men's rights, and sexism. after transition trans men experience a sudden lack in misogyny and actually get more respectful from what i've seen??? but non-dysphoric transmascs can be so disrespectful of women in general, cis and trans. and act like they know transsexual experiences

i'd be really interested in reading more about transmeds' views on things like this and the disrespect, sexism, misogyny and just unhinged chronically online behavior non-dysphoric trans ppl often seem to show, especially nonbinary folks. i'm a trans-inclusive radfem with a research-gathering blog that has not-so-respectfully worded posts reblogged (they tend to still make some good points and i like hoarding interesting points for my dumb wip tirf book) and that understandably gets ppl heated, so np if no transmeds or trans folks in general want to share. but i just really wish we got to see more nuanced opinions from trans folks. usually ppl w nuanced views just get harassed off the platform in classic tumblr fashion :/

#lay text #transmed #radfem #radblr #kicking the hornets nest once more sorry lol #idm getting angry asks though. i just like interacting w varied kinds of people and hearing their pov even if we disagree on certain things #an overwhelming amt of time i end up finding common ground if the person is genuinely looking for a conversation not a fight #and i really appreciate that <3

[tumblasha]

on being a woman [1] in praia, cabo verde

(small warning: men being gross but nothing too too bad, dw)

i just think it's a little sad that my whole time i've lived in boston i have the urge to live in a society where people are kind, where people help each other when they can, and where people say "hello" and "goodnight" to each other. then i land in this lovely city and a handful of people kinda make me wanna stop participating in society

(a) the concert cab driver

i went to go see neyna w some friends! however bc of some logistical things i had to go alone via taxi. in this 15 min taxi at 1am [2], the driver asks me about where i'm from, i answer, and i talk the way i do to all cab drivers. while i was building up the courage to ask him for his number [3], he offered his number. i thanked him!

he asked me if i like to drink, if i like to smoke, and we laughed about how good the nightlife / beachlife is in praia. in the ten seconds before stopping the car outside the venue, he asks me if i want to go smoke with him after the concert. i nervously laugh no i'll be tired with my friends, pay him, and open the car door. i saw him stretch out his arms. i agreed to the hug (ppl are touchy, i wasn't really surprised at the gesture)

and then he kissed my cheek. not in the latam, descendant-of-the-iberian-peninsula, be-polite-to-your-aunt way. he let out a laugh and said "see you later"

my friends and i leave the concert a few hours later. thankfully a taxi that just dropped off some ppl (going to the venue as a 4am night club lol) picked us up! for whatever reason i sorta hide my phone when i'm in public / crowded places, so when i go into my apartment, i notice i have missed calls. i have unread messages. his name pops up on my screen and i tell him i got home safely, that my friends called a taxi before i could tell them about him

after a sunday morning text, i decided to mute his notifications, and forgot about it

(b) dinner tonight

some of the students are celebrating that it's someone's last night in praia (he and his boyfriend are island-hopping before they head back home). and stories pop up.

my nonbinary friend (that self-describes as being man-presenting and does the gender-binary-at-travel thing too) talked about a taxi driver asking them to sleep with him after the ride.

the white woman phd student talked about getting a cab driver's number, ghosting him, and accidentally getting into his cab a few weeks later (she didn't recognize him). how he was quiet until she realized it was him, how he asked why she didn't respond Halfway through this 10 min ride, and how she had to pretend not to understand him (when she perfectly knows kriolu, port, and eng).

(c) the walks to the beach

the beaver school cohort (all women-presenting) sharing stories about the ways that men approach us and ask for our numbers one day and walk down the street holding their girlfriend's hand the next day. how walking from the beach to our apartment at night became a "no-no" not because of common sense but because of common lived experience.

(d) a conclusion

this is prob common everywhere that has a more "friendly" society [4], but i feel like it's shocking me bc for the past four years i've been used to strangers not caring about each other (disease scares, less catcalling, less help when i drop something on the floor, etc), so idk how to be.

soz for the non-conclusive conclusion, but i wanted to share in case ppl have any tips on how to live as smn who's not a cishet man. tyty

(also pls go to cv! sometimes if ur a tourist ppl give u free things <33)

---

[1] much like oomf's vegetarianism, i'm nonbinary ("veg") in the usa and still nonbinary outside internationally but act as a woman ("meat-eater") there. i think it's easier not to correct ppl when in other countries bc language barriers, cultural barriers, and rare (perceived) availability of trans neutrality / acceptance (the "vegan food" of this simile) ... in which i turn invisibility into a privilege (joke) ??

[2] the concert starts at 2am lol

[3] the venue was far-ish from the main part of the city. it's common, even advised, to get a driver's number to make sure that u Have a way back home

[4] how i learned NOT to wear my high school uniform to the local mall once i turned 15

#yes i know i've never been a cishet man #but i also feel like i was raised in a v sheltered way #so idk the common sense of being a visible gender minority in the world lol #99% of the time it's fine but now i've started frowning when a man smiles at me #and i'd like to Not do that? #dash rambles #i also talked to a cabo verdean mentor abt this and she just said it's normal and u have to speak up for urself and it gets easier as u age #praia #cabo verde #cape verde #dash asks #woman advice #harrassment #sorta

[boopiddyboop]

Scorpio, Capricorn and Virgo are also considered feminine leaning tho!

Hj has a pretty balanced "feminine" and "masculine" chart overall tho leaning towards feminine.

Moon in gemini is considered a pretty queer placent too (and I can attest to that xp) and the sag placements and 9h(in placidus at least) would make me think the possibility of liking any kind of people and gender, same in 11h tbh.

Btw, even if it wasn't super direct, I still 100% believe that was him coming out as pan bc why would he specify wether man or woman? It wasn't necessary to say🤨 And yeah he said that was a different story but pretty sure he explained it to contextualize on why that was his ideal type, bc also he followed by "SO yeah I don't have an ideal type, I try to see that person vibe first" meaning it was indeed connected to the story.

Also Korean is a very neutral gender language but they do use the word girl or man to define ideal type as well yet not only he specified "wether man or woman" bf but also said the word person a lot🤨

And yeah het ppl can also be attracted romantically or/and sexually bc of the inside too but that's mainly an aroace spectrum and pan experience and you don't really see het allos defining the ideal type excluding their gender unless they are multisexual, ace or/and aro.

Idk I just think since he was soo smooth about it and he wasn't saying "pansexual" explicitly it's easy to ignore and not think much about it but bc of what I said I still think that was proof and he came out!

(2/2) Which I also find interesting is him having planets that even if they don't have to mean only that, they can indicate being in the trans umbrella. Like his Sun/Uranus aspect to say one example. I obviously wouldn't rely on astrology to state any sexuality or gender, just using it to explain the possibility in astrology terms! But either way, no one can convince me Hj is cisgender tbh. And I don't mean it bc of stereotypes or gender expression(gender non conformity doesn't necessarily mean being trans as well although it can be common they align), I mean well those and other things open more possibilities for me thinking so but yeah I just think he isn't cis. But anyways it doesn't matter nor what what we think so

Oh anon, giving me a reason to continue writing essays hahaha- I'll try to address each bit at a time.

Scorpio, Capricorn and Virgo are also considered feminine leaning tho!

I did go back and check that I got Virgo right in this writeup, where I put it as neuter leaning feminine (she is the maiden, after all). If I didn't make it clear, I consider the planets with contrasting elements one way or another to be "leaning" as well. So in the case of Scorpio and Capricorn, their elemental positioning causes them to not be as strictly tied to the binary. Scorpio is related to the scorpion that killed Orion, and Capricorn to the goat that suckled Zeus. Of the two, I personally take Scorpio to be a bit more masculine than Capricorn, but that's personal flavor of finding Mars energy a bit more overt.

Hj has a pretty balanced "feminine" and "masculine" chart overall tho leaning towards feminine. Moon in gemini is considered a pretty queer placent too (and I can attest to that xp) and the sag placements and 9h(in placidus at least) would make me think the possibility of liking any kind of people and gender, same in 11h tbh.

I'd agree on the sentiment that Hongjoong has a mixed chart, but I find most people do- it's what makes people that have type dominant charts (stelliums, elemental imbalance, etc.) so interesting because they're that much rarer.

Moon in Gemini is actually one of those placements that trips me up because it shows so differently across different people based on where it's placed. I very rarely can clock it without looking at a chart. Naturally, Ateez would have 3 of them xD

As far as Hongjoong's placements go, it's his Mars in Virgo sitting in the 9th house, not his Sun (edit: as per traditional astrology) which I think would lead him to being way more traditional. The thing highly combatting that would be his Jupiter opposite in Pisces, my belief for one of the artiest-fartiest placements a person can have (especially in the 3rd house!). To your point though, under whole signs that Sun/Venus combo gets thrown to the 11th house, which I would describe as much more open. Interesting how two very different placement systems can generate a similar outcomes.

(Sagittarius is indeed a very forward thinking sign borderline rebellious, but by whole signs it's in the 12th house, so his Mercury, while charged, can work against him in this regard.)

Discussion on the video itself

I do think his verbage is very interesting, and it reminds me very strongly of Felix or Suga. (Felix has also basically come out as much as I think will be allowed of him).

THAT BEING SAID, I would remind us all that an idol's job is to be appealing. That's not being pessimistic so much as the pragmatism of someone realizing their interested demographic and playing to it. Not to say anyone, Hongjoong or otherwise, is lying when they form responses like this. It's just also recognizing that if you approach me at my job about my opinion, I'm gonna give you a neutered answer. I think the same applies to idols. So, while his take to the inquiry makes me raise my eyebrows, as to how far I'd infer something with it..... I stick with my original commentary of "pan-coded".

Finally, if you haven't read enough, I'll link this fun article on queerness in theatre, which I think also applies to other artistic professions such as music or fashion. At the end of the day, I find it very interesting how K-Pop and its fandom has become something a haven for queer people despite being rooted in a still-conservative country.

#ateez #astrology #ateez astrology #hongjoong #ateez hongjoong #mild amount of gender and queer discourse

[stephschoices]

Me @ ppl when they misgender my friends characters

Like if I, a non-native English speaker whose first three languages don't have any gender neutral words and where every single noun is gendered and I can use the correct pronouns for the characters in English then yall can too. It's literally in the pinned posts most of the time. Like if you're a native English speaker I don't think you have an excuse to use the wrong pronouns. To people who do this pls stop misgendering characters it's not cute. 😭

Speaking of languages. Writing fiction in my native language is literally so annoying because there's no gender neutral pronouns or words or nouns. Everything is gendered either masculine or feminine and the plural Pronouns and nouns are also gendered. Like in Spanish a laptop is masculine and a chair is feminine. It's so stupid and also why I prefer to write in English, it has a lot of more diverse range of Pronouns and neopronouns that I can use for my characters. As someone who uses she/her and they/Them Pronouns in English I love how I can refer to my characters with more gender neutral terms such as child or fiance, it feels better to write in, specially when it comes to my non binary characters. Like in Spanish child would be hijo (masculine) or hija (feminine) , there's no gender neutral term for it. 😩

Oh for sure! There’s definitely languages where gender neutral terms just don’t exist. And that’s one of the times where misgendering is just misunderstanding, bc it’s something the person just isn’t used to or haven’t heard before!

And 😭 I’m so sorry your native language doesn’t have those terms! I remember learning Spanish in school and thinking how interesting it was that almost every word was defined as masculine or feminine lol definitely one of the benefits of English words where that isn’t usually the case!

#ask #anon

[cliveguy]

could write something real on this but i think both the inaccessibility of hormones and the required 2 years of "lived experience" before physical transition creates such a different culture amongst trans ppl in the uk.... unless you're rich enough to go private or incredibly lucky it's inevitable that the wait for physical transition is going to be very difficult, no matter what your level of dysphoria is

#um.txt #trans #like i love all trans people and am trying not to feel that bitterness i felt as a kid bc its not productive #but the culture of having to be out and nonpassing and having to deal with how often traumatising that is #when the way i would've wanted to come out is the way that happens in america where u immediately physically transition after #bc thats the safest way i think. #and tbh. waiting so long for top has fucked me up mentally after like its smth i hate to complain about and i feel bad #complaining about anything to do w the recovery at all bc i shd be happy #but waiting 5+ years with horrific dysphoria for a surgery that takes 3 hours and a few weeks of recovery has been like kind of #painful to wrap my head around lol. like. idk i feel so normal now and its hard not to look back on how bad its been for the past #few years and think about how much i lost bc of having 0 confidence before passing #like if id started hormones just after coming out its easy to see how different my life would be #also edit cos i know someones gonna get mad but ik america also has accessibility issues #especially money-wise #but i think ppl arent aware of how bad it is here like. terfs run these clinics. #nhs gender clinics are such a horrible experience that i was shocked by how i was treated at the hospital that did my top surgery #bc i wasnt used to like. not being judged and interrogated on my identity lol. the surgeon was like oh do u want a masc chest? #bc i also do more neutral ones for non-binary ppl :) #like damn ok. bare minimum but didnt expect that

[iraprince]

Hey, it's the they/them anon again. Please ignore this message if it's more than you want to deal with, I wound up writing a lot.

I wanted to say sorry, I can see how that was out of line for me to ask. I guess I saw you had answered that other ask about your pronouns and assumed you were open to sharing/educating. However I probably should have figured that you didn't really want to elaborate based on you not doing so in that post already. So I apologize, honestly. If I met you irl and you told me your pronouns as you did in the other post I might still have been confused but I would do my best to use the ones you asked for.

To be honest I don't interact with people in the "community" much, online or irl. (I'm kind of a hermit and don't interact with anyone in general much) So I didn't realize there was that kind of a negative/washed-out view of 'gender-neutral'.

My limited understanding of they/them was that it's a good thing to use when you don't know someone's pronouns (either cuz you haven't had the chance to ask yet or cuz it's a mystery person or placeholder idea of a person where gender isn't relevant in the example being given) or for people who don't identify with he or she. I also felt that just like 'he' can mean all different degrees and types of masculinity and 'she' can mean all different degrees and types of feminity for individual persons, 'they' also means completely different things to the different people who use it. And I guess I thought everyone (who has made an attempt to understand non-cis) used/understood it that way. I didn't know it was mostly used as a lazy third gender. :/ I can see why you might lean away from they/them if you assume everyone who uses it is just putting you in yet another box.

(Sorry for not going into it/it's here, I have a lot more learning and meditating to do on that one before I'll be comfortable with it. Though I would do my best to use it if someone asked me to.)

The point I meant to make here is that when I asked why you don't use they/them; I didn't mean to be questioning your identity, though I can definitely see how it came across that way. I just wanted to know what could be wrong with those pronouns to some people, since I have decided to use them for myself, and because if I try to google it all I'm going to find is froofy disconnected descriptions. I was just hoping to learn a little more, and I did. So thank you. I'm now aware of a possible negative connotation to what I thought were pretty harmless and actually neutral pronouns, which kinda sucks, but now I can be more mindful in the future.

hey, i appreciate the apology and i'm glad that my response showed you a perspective you hadn't encountered before -- that's why i chose to respond to the ask in the first place. i do want to clarify a little based on what u've written bc i think maybe some of the details of what i meant to communicate got kind of Lost In The Sauce bc i was responding in a really individual way and then a little extra conversation spun off of that.

i don't think there is a "negative/washed-out" view of gender neutrality or of "gender neutral" as a term. it's a term a lot of people happily use and identify with and gender neutrality/androgyny resonates w a lot of people -- but not me. what i was expressing negative feelings abt was expectations+assumptions of gender neutrality for anyone who doesn't track with a binary gender, and i'm p sure that's also what was meant by other ppl who chimed in saying they related to my aversion. i also didn't mean to imply they/them as a pronoun set isn't "harmless" or neutral, bc they absolutely can be, and i don't think they're "mostly" used to box people in -- it was again a contextual case where harm comes from carelessly applying it to people regardless of what their actual pronouns are or, as you inadvertently did, seeking Explanations when someone doesn't fall in line with expected gender presentation. (again, i see and appreciate that that wasn't your intent, but it's one of those things where sometimes i think we all just get carried away w curiosity abt stuff that just isn't really ours to interrogate).

basically i don't want you to come away from this convo feeling like there's a new Negative side to they/them pronouns or to modes of presentation or identity that fall in line with what's "expected" from nonbinary people (as much as that can exist, in relatively niche spaces, bc overall people mostly actually just Expect us to be cis lmao. this whooooole convo is extremely contextual), bc that wasn't my point and the sticking point isn't really one specific set of pronouns; it's behaviors and assumptions. i want behaviors and assumptions regarding gender to be examined and changed, not to throw out a flat "some people HATE some pronouns!!! you better watch out!!!!!" and have that be the end of it, y'know? and i DEFINITELY don't want you walking away from this convo feeling sucky abt a pronoun set you use yourself in general. the words themselves are 100% not the problem so i hope i've been able to clarify that somewhat

i ended up writing a lot too lol but again rounding off i just wanna say i appreciate the apology and i'm glad we can talk more abt it. you didn't make me feel shitty and i don't want to make you feel shitty. i just think it's cool + important to talk frankly abt stuff like this when i have the energy for it

#also i didnt want to write a whole paragraph abt it bc it seems like u've already caught on to rethinking this part of it but: #decouple gender from pronouns entirely. there's no masculinity in the way i use he/him and no femininity in how i use she/her #and i know it's the same for many other people. pronouns are like clothes or makeup or hair for a lot of ppl; theyre just presentation #+ as i've reiterated many times during these convos but 1 more time for good measure: 100% fine 2 use they if u DO NOT KNOW a psns pronouns

[bi-rising]

so the thing is. i've always been pro non-binary and i want to continue to be but i have been reading some stuff and i'm worried bc it kinda makes sense and ik it's a bad thing but god idk i need to hear your opinion. so there's this post of someone saying trans ppl wouldn't exist in an utopia where genders aren't a thing and someone else explained how that was wrong because of disphoria and then said "while yes, there would be a lot less nb ppl bc gender stereotypes are more their thing..." and it got me thinking bc i never really understood what nb is. i also saw other people say that nb and genderfluid don't make sense because they're not about gender, but stereotypes about masculinity and femeninity. and i think i agree? (what i hear most from nb ppl is that they don't feel like they fit in with society's ideas of man or woman, but as a somewhat masculine cis woman neither do i? or many others at least) because those things are societal, you can be a binary gender while not agreeing with societal gender norms, or gnc. and what confuses me further is that most nb ppl are gender aligned. i reason they're aligned to the gender that corresponds their sex? (i'm asking from the deepest pit of ignorance😅) but if they feel like they don't fit in the binary genders, how can they be aligned with masc of fem? i mean for example a nb person who's female by sex and is very femenine, wears makeup, long hair, basically doesn't look androgynous at all, are they really not a woman who doesn't agree with gender stereotypes? bc i also feel like a lot of people are treating nb as a quirky thing to use to get in the lgbt community (like they wanna be oppressed, for whatever reason). idk. i'm a bit lost (and drunk), gender discourse is quite complex...

you're right, gender discourse is incredibly complex, especially when so many people are ready to jump down your throat and cancel you and destroy your friendships regardless of your intentions and/or level of knowledge. therefore, i'm also going to speak carefully on this subject, bc i feel that nb discourse is rife with people foaming at the mouth to ask any questions at all so :^)

anyway, i've seen that post before, and i think i agree with you as well. binary trans people have a disorder. it's been proven that trans people's brains have the neural pathways and neural structural patterns of the gender opposite of their sex. therefore, even in a utopia without gender roles and stereotypes, they would still be trans. that's also why it's incredibly important to keep transgender as a medical acknowledgement, not just to force insurance to help pay for gender reaffirming surgeries and therapies, but also to acknowledge that it's a real, neurological occurrence--and hopefully gain more research and acceptance of it.

and because of that, i also am in the same boat as you, where it's likely that nb people would not exist in such a utopia, or if they did, it would be an extremely small amount, even smaller than it is currently. from what i've seen in the nb movement is a lot of push against gender roles and gender stereotypes; i would cautiously hazard a guess that there are two main reasons for people identifying as nb

1) they are gnc

2) they don't "feel" their gender, as they believe cis people do, and conflate lack of femininity/masculinity or a neutrality towards one's own body with having a different gender

i personally can't see anyone having nb dysphoria, simply because the science isn't there for it. the body has two setting--male or female (please note that intersex people are not being considered here, as their condition is a birth defect and not the creation of a third gender or a lack of gender). therefore, there are female and male hormones; female and male neural structures; female and male neural pathways. i don't believe that there is dysphoria associated with not having a gender or having a third gender outside the binary--HOWEVER. however, i believe that many things can be mistaken for nb dysphoria

for example, many binary trans people have had a stage wherein they identify as nb for awhile. it's like a stepping stone, from what i understand, between believing they're cis to understanding they're trans. there is also trauma, especially sexual trauma, that can cause a disconnect between one's own gender and themselves. internalized misogyny/misandry can also be a culprit, or simply not wishing to exist within the boxes that female and male stereotypes push people into. and lastly, there's also body dysmorphia, which can be difficult to recognize for what it is. of course, it may be a desire to simply "be different" than other people, especially for those that are online a lot and have been bombarded with "cis is bad" for years and years, but i would like to give people the benefit of the doubt first instead of jumping to conclusions like that

despite all of this, i do think it is important to respect nb people and be courteous and kind to them. this is just my own opinion, and i personally will never attack or dismiss a nb person. the only problem i will ever have is if a nb person uses neopronouns, and that's bc i am neurodivergent and believe that pronouns equal gender. then, though, i believe that's a separate problem entirely from being nb critical

#jupe's inbox #also pls drink some water!! #don't get too bad of a hangover adkfjasdf

[ghostofcitrus]

more gender crisis bc i need somewhere to document this shit and also if u wanna read and say smth that’s cool too 🥺 fair warning it’s kinda longgg. but there’s a tl;dr and i tried to make the paragraphs short so it’s easy to read and i sorted the thoughts by paragraphs

ok so when i see a girl or group of girls or smth i, for the most part, am like yeah same. i have the same lived experience and like yeah u look cool and i relate in a lot of ways.

but like i also feel the same w non-binary ppl. i see agender ppl and i’m like oh nice that sounds like how i want to live MY life!! i get jelous. i saw a gender ambiguous person the other day and i thouvht i was going to lose my mind i was like AKSJSHJSJSNS Y O U. I WANT TO BE YOU. i talked to them i was like 😭😭i love your hair😭😭 and it was so compelling just seeing them i got my hair cut later that week. i like it.

and i cut my hair and i’m like y e s. and i’ve always wanted a very small/flat chest and have planned on getting a breast reduction (meaning i want basically no tits. i’m like a DDD rn. and i’m short and have a baby face so that’s like. very noticeable. pain.) ASAP. but i like dress and being seen as a girl? but i also want to be non binary, but it feels like something im striving for. i don’t feel like i’m there. i feel like i WANT to be there but i just keep hitting roadblocks.

when i think about OTHER girls, i’m like yeah. i relate to that. but when i think about myself. fully isolated. i want to present like a feminine agender person. i am connected to my girlhood. girl, sister, girlfriend, daughter... all of them accurately describe me. but i also like person, sibling, partner, child.

i like femininity. i like being seen like that. and being seen as a girl is cool and fine. but i don’t feel like it accurately describes all of me. but i’m like scared??

i want to be a “girl” in the way that when u look at me ur like ... is that a girl? my face i like lmao. it’s round and feminine. cool lol. my body.... i wish with like all my heart i woke up one day w/o titties or major curves. but i’ve literally work so hard to accept and like myself in my body. YEARS of forcing myself to look in the mirror and compliment myself. deconstructing fatphobia was a big part of it. but in my head. with no mirrors around. i think of myself as less curvy. a small fame, but not really curvy. much more neutral features. i forget what i actually look like. but when i do look in the mirror now i’m like she’s pretty. i like how she looks. nice. but it doesn’t really feel like me. but i feel cool. it’s like nice makeup that’s someone else chose for u and never comes off. like yes. that’s nice. but... it’s not like “me”. i feel like that about most of my features. but i’ve grown up in them. i don’t hate them. i think they look pretty and i feel confident enough like this. and after all the work i’ve done to get to this mindset... it’s just not what i want.

i think part of what’s messing with me is i’m automatically more comfortable with other girls/afabs, like we just share experiences and i can generally understand how they socialize. guys like,.. not so much. but most of my actual friends have ended up being guys. but im naturally wary of guys. and most around me end up being fucking republicans anyways. and another part of what’s getting to me is when i’m going about my life, i enjoy being stereotypically feminine. like i like to be taken care of, feel small , that bs. maybe it’s internalized misogyny that i feel like the only way i can be that is as a girl.

i also think i just have no idea what it would really feel like to go about the world non-binary. like i just want to keep blending into the background. i don’t want to be that noticeably different, i’m already autistic.

i think it’s also weird bc since middle school have been having periodic gender crisises but they always end in me just getting embarrassed, finding transmeds on the internet and also getting embarresed, not wanting to stop being feminine, or deciding it’s just not worth it.

and i think another thing is, i’ve always felt more connected to girls, but always on the outskirts of that, but that might just be because i’m autistic. but like i’m feminine in the sense that i like dresses. and being taken care of that and that shit. girls tend to really fucking irk me a lot of the times. i don’t really feel “connected” to them, more like “stuck” with them but making the best of it. some are pretty cool :) tbh it’s mostly just other autistic or queer girls i vibe with. other than that.. i struggle a lot to feel connected.

speaking of being autistic.... i’m realizing a lot of what i’m feeling is similar to how i felt when i first started to consider that i was autistic. when i was alone or in a space i was totally comfy in, i felt very confident that i was autistic. but when i was around people, i was like no i’m definitely not. and even now. i know i mask whenever i’m not alone. but i’m literally so fucking used to it it’s not hard at all. it hardly feels like a mask. just a different version of me. not the most authentic, but it’s how i operate around others. so whatever. not what i like per say. but in most cases, i can deal with it and still be perfectly happy (ish). this is exactly how i feel about all of this gender shit.

but i think part of my hesitancy to identify like this is i’ve never met ppl irl who identify as non-binary. that wouldn’t be a group for me to find and relate to and be comfortable with, i’d just be the different one. and i’m already different. and people don’t really get neopronouns and that shit.

ok and i’m anxious about my boyfriend as well. he’s a straight guy, idk how he’d feel about me being non binary. but i don’t want to sacrifice our relationship, so it’d be fine, because i also like my name and pronouns now. i like the shortened version of my name better tbh but i think my name sounds cool. mostly because saying it is a vocal stim for me, same with my partners name fore some reason. i just think they’re good names. they feel good to hear and say. and i’ve always been described that way and i’m like yeah that’s me.

i like dresses. feminine clothes? yes pleaseee. i like how girl are generally the ones who get taken care of. i like feeling small and dainty. i like being silly and cute. but like ... silly and cute arent like “girl things”?? but idk.

but i like “girl”. not “ladies” or “woman”. that feels too much like “female” and the only time i feel like i relate to that at all is in very specific situations. i’m feminine. i like that. i wish i could be feminine in an androgynous way tho????????

TL;DR: closing thoughts. if i were the only person on earth and i could do whatever i wanted like magically. i would change my appearance to look like my picrew... but like for an ex think Crona from Soul Eater of Ed from Cowboy Bebop. both of them are androgynous but when i see both of them i’m like they’re kinda feminine too! like that’s what i want to look like. i’d probably go by Citrus and neopronouns and maybe she/her (they’re fine but i feel like i’m lying about being non binary when i use them). ya know. how i want to be. but in reality. i am scared of that. it sounds like a lot of work and a big change that i could probably never really achieve. i also hate change. and constantly explaining shit.

also do cis people PINE over this shit the way i am? i’ve done this multiple times for years. not consistently bc tbh i have other shit i need to spend energy on but when i’m not pouring energy into somewhere else i tend to circle back to this. maybe that’s a sign that i’m right.

#my post #citrus speaks #citrus gender crisis #long post #questioning demigirl #demigirl #nonbinary #questioning gender #gender questioning #terfs and transmeds literally do not even look in this posts direction #anyways. when i realized this is how i felt when i was realizing i was autistic shit kinda starting clicking and feeling more valid

[paris-geller-was-straightwashed]

(second round doing this bc my NEWLY MODIFIED piece of shit computer crapped out so let’s hope this is good)

although we’re a few days into the new year now, I’ve been thinking about where I was at the start of the decade, versus were I am now at the end.

at the start of the decade, 2010, I was thirteen. I was a shy, anxious kid who spent all their time on the internet making OC’s and then having those (male) OC’s date female characters and truly believing that was a Totally Straight Girl thing to do without even the slightest idea I was queer.

in 2014, 17, through discovery and trial and error, I found out I was gay, something that would liberate me in a way I never would’ve foreseen. then, in the summer of 2019, after being around a massive group of queers for a week, many of them trans/nb, I discovered I actually didn’t have a massive handle on my gender id.

now, virtually at the end of the decade, I’ve found out I’m actually not totally cis female. though much anxiety and self-discovery, I’ve found something that fits me - and that’s greygender demigender (or, less of a mouthful, genderqueer).

‘but carrie, why not just use non-binary/non-binary female aligned?’ bc these labels mean something to me, no matter what we all argue about with micro-labels, as each label is personal. non-binary has never been mine. I think it’s bc I like things narrowed down and specified, which is why I like these labels. allow me to entail you...

firstly, greygender, a tiny label that doesn’t have a big following (for those of you who don’t know, it means having a disconnected/faint sense of (your) gender, generally feeling ‘meh’ about it). once I saw it and saw it was about being disconnected to your gender, something immediately clicked for me. when I was at A-Camp, I met lots of ppl who really cared about their gender id and wanted to be seen that way, and it, embarrassingly, opened my eyes into seeing that was actually a crucial part of gender and identity, as I also realized I’d never felt that. I honestly never cared much about gender as a whole. I’ve been here at ‘female’ just bc I was here from the beginning and it was, like, fine, but once again, much like when I discovered my sexuality, once I poked around I found there was more underneath. I never thought about my gender or gender as it is, never revelled in it. I never used gendered terms and don’t like them being used on me (dude/bro is fine bc they’ve become more gender-neutral and I’m masc anyway, but I don’t like being called ‘miss’ and ‘ma’am’ makes me want to crawl into myself). I never say ‘when I was a little girl’ when I talk about my younger self, I always say ‘when I was a little kid’, and I hardly use gendered language on anyone else unless it’s called for. I even remember back when I thought I was 100% female and straight, if I was called ‘beautiful’, I never had a visceral bad reaction, but I also never liked it, unlike some ppl who like being complimented by it and it affirms their gender (nor do I like ‘handsome’ either, like others do). it always just sat weird on me. I just don’t LIKE IT, I don’t care for this gender thing and I don’t like being seen through it.

HOWEVER, I still knew, at the end of it, there was a piece of female floating around in me somewhere. it’s not super prominent, but it’s there. one of the reasons I never would’ve thought I wasn’t cis was bc I am still female-aligned and am afab. and it’s what connects me to my lesbian label of course; that piece of me is incredibly important and is honestly, what’s probably keeping me tied to female in general. BUT, again, I still wasn’t big on gender, and once I started questioning, I found I really liked the idea of going genderless and playing with that (I don’t want to be gendered, I want to be The Void). like, while I did connect with girls, I always felt slightly like I was outside of them, there but not there altogether (this may also be a part of being a lesbian, but *shrug emoticon*). I started liking the idea of not having a chest, and, even before this, used to use a fake packer (socks). but, all of it wasn’t enough to call myself agender. enter, demigender. well, technically, demigirl, but for me I don’t like the emphasis on ‘girl’ (especially with how young/immature the word it is) and the flag is very feminine and pink and I...I just..I don’t like pink I’m sorry. but demigender is kinda the umbrella term that holds over demigirl and demiboy. I’ve always known about these words, but, you know, I knew about gay ppl for years before I realized I was one - sometimes you’re just kinda dumb and hetero/cisnormativity does a number on you. so that’s what it is for me; part girl, part genderless, mushed together to make one gender with greygender coating it.

finally, genderqueer. another term I’ve always known but didn’t really think about until I started seeing I may not be cis. taking back my ‘I like specific narrowed terms’ thing, I just like the word; queer is ambivalent, queer is many things. it’s our culture, which is why I love it. just saying my gender is ‘queer’ makes me plenty happy enough. plus, explaining greygender and demigender are long conversations that may not always be with queer ppl who are going to understand, so it’s much easier for me to simply say I’m a genderqueer lesbian. I like that.

all in all, it’s been a journey kids. despite this revelation and being glad I made it through (while questioning is good for a person, it’s not always fun), this isn’t a huge, huge thing for me. some nb ppl like talking about their gender id and how it manifests for them and everything, and that’s great, live your dreams. but due to my ~greygenderness~ I’m probably not going to talk about it much bc gender is not a big part of my id (however, you can count on me continuing to talk about being A Gay, that I’ll never shut up about). I am doing more, I guess you’d call it, ‘gender bending’ stuff; I use a binder now, a real packer, and, while I haven’t had the chance yet, want to use they/them pronouns in a queer space. despite the anxiety I’ve had, I’ve really enjoyed that stuff. it reminds me of when I started settling into my gay identity, getting this happy feeling inside of ‘yes, this feels right, I like this.’

tl;dr (because I know ppl won’t read the whole thing): you’ve just witnessed me coming out as a genderqueer lesbian (greygender demigender, if you wanna be specific). will this potentially change in the future? maybe! the world is weird and change is always constant. but for right now, this makes me happy.

so, cheers to that angsty shy thirteen year old at the beginning of the decade - turns out you’re queer and you’re much happier being so!

#can you tell I'm NERVOUS #little scary to do this but it's probably about time now #genderqueer #greygender #graygender #demigender #demigirl #I've made posts about this in the past about questioning and stuff #but now's when I officially announce what I'm 99% sure I am

[flyingcookierambles]

plans for 2020???

uhhuhuhuhuhuhhhh

graduate college

get a part time job and take a gap year for academia/save up money while job hunting for my first Real Adult Job?????

figure out my gender??????????????? probably switch to like they/she pronouns or something bc i realized that every time i post something on twitter/snapchat/tumblr/whatever i always refer to myself as a “a foolish child who makes bad financial decisions” or “a person who makes their wallet cry” or like “guess who just spent like $40 on a steam sale???? this kidddddddddd” like ive always just been unconsciously referring to myself in like third person or they/them/gender neutral pronouns?????? like. i dont think that in any tweet/toot/snap ive ever written i’ve called myself something like “a foolish girl” or “a girl who makes her wallet cry” or anything so like theres that. and honestly ive made/been making some posts about this gender thing for like the past year. ive asked the cool mods at feminism and media about it (ill post the screenshot later). ive changed my main tumblr about page which i dont think anyone’s ever visited since it’s listed under “hi” and like maybe i should change it to “about”? anyways ive like changed most of my stuff online to be something like “gender questioning, but she/her pronouns are fine for now” or like “gender questioning/probably nonbinary” and then just straight up changed my facebook pronouns to they/them (but im p sure my family hasnt noticed thank goodness cuz thats not a can of worms i wanna explain to a bunch of religious baby boomers rn), changed my myanimelist gender to non-bianary (again why is this a thing? a rando blue anime hellsite is not the place i expected to have this option but like im not complaining so lol), and also put “gender questioning, probably non-binary” in the write in gender option on goodreads so like. uhhh. i guess im probably non-binary????? but also im a terrible and indecisive person so like every time i say im probably non-binary my stupid brain goes back to bein like. wait is this some internalized misogyny that makes me not want to be a girl/cis girl? but also i find the dysphoria memes/jokes on the egg_irl subreddit really relatable and its just a bad cycle in which i go “oh these gender dysphoria memes on a trans subreddit are really relatable” -> “huh maybe. im not a girl???” -> brain awakened to being not a girl -> self doubt of brain might have internalized misogyny -> haha im a cis girl even tho i always refer to myself with they/them pronouns in writing -> haha wait that doesnt sound right a cis person wouldnt refer to themself with gender neutral pronouns right -> i know, ill go to a sub that i know makes gender dysphoria jokes and caused this self doubt/gender questioning in the first place with dumb jokes like “would you push a button?” and this meme but replace the “im bi” with “im ace” -> haha these gender dysphoria jokes are really relatable -> oh no (repeat this hell cycle of self doubt for 2 years and its me haha) 

regarding the above example sentences of steam sales and my finances, uhhhh, i wanna play more video games this year. and actually finish them. because i think according to steamdb or whatever account rating site it is, my account’s games net worth is something ridiculous like $600. and like. ive only played like 30% of the stuff i own. so uh. i should get my moneys worth and play stuff

the above resolution does not apply to games that are technically endless with no real goal/end, such as the sims, cities skyline, prison architect, etc. this resolution applies only to games that do have an end, such as nameless, pesterquest, steins;gate, etc.

the above resolution also may have some exceptions due to technical issues or time since some games, mostly japanese visual novels like steins;gate, are not compatible with macbooks i guess maybe they’re not popular with gamers (not surprising the macbooks has terrible venting lol) and also maybe not popular in japan so japanese companies just dont think to port things to mac os??? idk what the issue is here exactly but like since im in a college dorm and not at home ill only have access to my macbook for a majority of the time.

also similar to the “finish the games” thing, i should read, or at least attempt to read, all the books i’ve brought. i have so so many ebooks. that are unread. yet i also keep buying more books. i should stop buying books and finish the ones i do have and also use the library more.

also i should probably figure out how to save money lol. im 22. but im constantly broke. 

also i should uhhh probably find more diverse books lol. like i love my shitty indie fantasy books and stuff but the protag is usu a white dude so like eh. but also. sometimes when i read books w female protags im like haha cant relate. and then the gender questioning sets in once again. is it because im probably non-binary? or am i actually trans or something???????? i mean i hang out on egg_irl, a mostly mtf trans sub, but also an occasional non-binary or ftm trans post comes up which is also nice to see. idk mannnnnnn lollll

also there was this whole like haha cant relate brain reaction to my school’s vagina monologues event when i went in to listen to my nursing major friend have some monologue. like she talked about some thing about like delivering a baby and it was kinda near the end of the event bc i got there late and the ones that i did hear at the end were just like haha cant relate but also ive been told that the monologues that year were particularly terf-y, probs in response to my college turning co-ed (it was up until i think 2 years before i entered a womens college and the older students, alumni and current students that were there at the time, were apparently super pissed about it, so the school i guess doubled down on “(cis) girl power!” but also kinda excluded trans/gender queer ppl that weren’t cis girls in the process)

gender is stupid i feel like id much rather not have to deal with it/pick a label to be and move on with life lol but my brain wont let me

push this internal gender crisis out of my mind by playing a ton of video games/reading a ton of books/do school work ig hahahahahaha

#gummytruck rambles #personal #2020 resolutions???? i think #weird gender shit

[theroguefeminist]

I've often wondered about the meaning of what it is to be non-binary in a binary framework. Not to veer too far from what you were talking about initially, but I feel this is why the experiment of neo-pronouns was never met with much success, for example- male and female pronouns hook into some common cultural understanding, and "they/them" basically says "neither of those". But more specific pronouns than that don't hook into a more specific understanding, because none is established.

yeah i mean...there’s an issue of what it really means to be recognized as nonbinary - i have noticed where i live a growing awareness and acceptance of nonbinary ppl but this has always been surface level because the deeper binary cultural norms remain in-tact. but there is a question of what it even looks like for our society to be truly inclusive of nonbinary people. would that actually entail a dismantling of gendering ppl altogether? bc it sort of seems that way, at least gendering ppl you dont know at all which is why you have activists who advocate for using gender neutral language and they/them pronouns as the default until you learn someone preferred language, which i think makes sense, but then the problem is that our society is so deeply gendered that it becomes difficult to do this in practice. like if i am on a bus and a man harasses me...i can’t really talk about this experience in a gender neutral way. and as much as i dislike teachers gendering their students, acting “gender blind” can have the effect of actually failing to address gender inequality or ignoring gendered dynamics in a space - not to mention the use value of gendered spaces in some situations

theres also the fact of course that gender is inherently political and patriarchal and tied to power. thats something none of us can escape. and the fact that binary trans ppl may often have goals completely at odds with nonbinary ppl in that they WANT to be gendered a certain way and have that gender validated and reinforced - they want to achieve an existing gender role in society whereas nonbinary ppl want to either NOT be put into a gendered category or to have a completely new gender category established for them, both of which necessitate a certain restructuring of gender norms and how we navigate gender in our lives. one criticism i saw was this weird argument that nonbinary genders simply add more rungs or gradations to the pre-existing system of gender inequality, but i never understood that because how would being agender or genderfluid be a “level” in a patriarchal gender hierarchy? 

more to your point, i was recently thinking about neo pronouns and another issue (which is actually related to the problem of asking ppl for personal pronouns) is that its probably impractical and unwieldy for so many ppl to have their unique set of pronouns and to expect others to memorize everyone’s personal set of pronouns. as an aspiring teacher ive thought about this in terms of dealing w/pronouns in the classroom. i guess you could default to they/them and gender neutral language, ask people their pronouns, and then make a note when someone has “unexpected” pronouns on your roll sheet/roster--pretty sure this is how one of my professors dealt with my situation. most people use “typical” pronouns, so you really only have to remember for the small percentage of people who go by pronouns other than what someone might presume. one problem ive noticed is almost always ppl ask for pronouns at the beginning of the school year and then everyone just calls me she/her after that. so again, people say they accept nonbinary people, but our thinking and behavior still falls in line with the binary. the only way to escape that to some extent is to genuinely confuse people about your gender, but they will always have the tendency to place you according to the binary

#zablorg

[theuncannymary]

questioning my gender and sexuality again (no discourse please !!!!! i just want advice lol)

alright so i’ve been questioning my gender and sexuality again and it’s really important to me so here it is :

- in non-gendered languages, i know i want my name changed to élie (because i just love that name) and i love gender-neutral language. they/them pronouns in english, in swedish hen, and so forth.

- however, in gendered languages, i feel like i have to choose between my dysphoria (preferring masculine endings to feminine ones) and my sexuality (i am very gay for women and i don’t think i’m attracted to men like at all) because i feel like i have to keep feminine endings to “keep being gay for women” (i know he/him lesbians/sapphics exist but i feel like in gendered languages like french, italian, and so forth, it won’t be accepted, like, at all)

- i know that french for example has “gender-neutral language” but it only works in writing and not in oral form so yes i’ve thought about iel + neutral endings but let’s be real in french they’re really unpractical sorry :/ (i wish i had a better option so i’m looking into neo-pronouns but gendered endings are still hard to deal with)

- also i know i’m gay for women but what if my gf transitions to male and i don’t wanna leave her ? (here i’m using she/her because that’s what she uses for now but i would respect her transitioning if she wanted to) what if i am attracted to a man one day and am disowned from the sapphic community ? (like yes i know that if i’m dating a man i can’t be a lesbian but i feel like if i’m dating a man then the sapphic community will throw me out also) like i know it’s really improbable that i would ever date a man but heh heteronormativity just gotta suck :/

- yes i know non-binary lesbians/sapphics exist but what do i do regarding my transition bc i want at least a social transition ? if i change my gender marker to male then ppl will assume i’m a man and can’t be gay for girls but if i don’t and keep my female gender marker then everyone will use feminine endings which means dysphoria :/ and should i have masculine or feminine middle names ? will the state allow me to have élie, a masculine name, alongside feminine middle names ? (probably not bc they’re really transmisic)

- essentially : can i “transition to male” (have a masculine name and middle names and gender marker) + use gender-neutral pronouns as long as possible and masculine pronouns and endings in gendered languages and be a lesbian/sapphic ? (because let’s be real i find it more “natural” to hear “he’s a lesbian” in english than “il est une lesbienne” in french T_T) let’s be real if the gvt just fucking got rid of gender markers altogether i wouldn’t be asking myself those fucking questions but i have to because i don’t know what to do pls help :/

**transphobes/exorsexists/terfs/truscum/exclusionists don’t interact, you’ll be blocked on sight ! no discourse please, i just want advice for me, an autistic nb dysphoric sapphic person ! thank you ! <3**

#sapphic #non-binary #dysphoria #transition #me me me tbh #pls help me lol #idk what to do :/

[elftwink]

oh also happy national coming out day im probably a binary trans dude and not nb at all. which is. a question ive been struggling with recently bc i spent so long w/some form of nb identity (different ones but i’ve been id’ing as nb since i was like 14)

but ive been listening to other binary trans ppl talk abt being trans recently (just in general not abt this specifically but its On My Mind) and i think ive come to the conclusion that everything that was indicating to me that i was nb is just regular old gender non conformity and it was my own internalized transphobia being like :/ you can’t be a Real Man since you do X and i would compensate by... claiming i wasnt a binary man anyway so Take That, brain. but thats not really how it works. 

i think its hard to reconcile being a man w/liking men, w/being feminine, w/general gender non conformity bc if i don’t perfectly conform to gender roles i must not be a man— but i knew i wasn’t a woman so we ended up here. esp since as i’ve transitioned i’ve felt more confident in calling myself a man; it felt unnatural to do it when i was closeted, and hard to say just after i’d come out bc it sort of felt like a distant dream to be recognized as a man at all— but nb was endlessly less dysphoria inducing and it was... not more accepted but more believable. im pretty androgynous but not very masculine. if i told them i was trying to “look gender neutral” theyd believe me. if i told them i was a man theyd laugh at me. it was a way to have control over something i couldnt help and still have access to, essentially, the same community anyway. 

but we got here! people call me ‘sir’ in public and i can use mens bathrooms and no one bats an eye when i say my name is luke. we got here. and i suddenly do have control and do have respect (most of the time anyway when ppl think im a cis dude). and i genuinely just never thought i’d get there. and now that i have that, i do want to be seen as just a binary dude. a binary man who loves other men, who’s feminine. thats just how i am. 

anyway while we’re here the nb community and the nb people i have met have been endlessly helpful and kind even by just like. being there and also being nonbinary. i love yall and im glad to have shared that space w/you even if thats not where i ended up. 

also i know for most of u coming out day is over but ive got half an hour here so uh let me live

#i almost hate that ive went through like two very stereotypical stepping stone type self discoveries #like i thought i was bi and im gay. i thought i was nb and im trans. like boy!!! get it together #im trying to think of a way im not a walking stereotype and nothings coming up! why am i like this #but man. for awhile there telling ppl my pronouns were they/them was so much easier than saying he/him #not like strangers. like at events. like i did slam poetry for a few years #and they asked ur pronouns there #and i would always chicken out b4 saying he/him #even tho i knew people would respect it #didnt ever try any of that shit with strangers tho i just let them say she/her #like i dont want to imply being nb is easier in any way than being binary trans #bc its not a sliding scale of whose experiences are easier or harder. thats stupid #idk how to phrase it is just. i knew i wasnt cis and i knew no one was going to treat me like a boy so i found a middle ground of sorts #good idea generator #long post // #this changes basically nothing i just wanted to write it out ig

[possibilistfanfiction]

hey jude!!! just read ur last anon abt being nb and wondered if u could talk abt ur own gender experience?

well basically i didnt grow up in a very open household, like rly Zero discussion of gender, so i know i Experienced gender entirely but i played almost exclusively with the boys in my class until probably grade 6 or 7, & at puberty, even tho i was a better athlete than most boys in my class still, i started hanging out with girls more, at recess, etc. i was always into androgyny, even if i had no idea (& i didn’t) what that was—i liked some femme things, absolutely, but i wanted nothing to do w skirts or pretty shoes. i wanted to be in adidas running sneakers 24/7 if i could help it, & i wore a uniform to school w the option of a skirt/pants, & im p sure i always wore pants. at the time this, to me, seemed more functional, & it was, but it was also, as i can understand now, something that made me feel Less like a girl, although not at all like a boy.

when i was older, 12, 13, 14, my parents wanted me to dress nicer, & i was v much into like american eagle shit, although by mid hs i was into some vintage stuff. one rly big odd style influence for me was mia wasikowksa in this weird movie called restless bc it was this v soft femme androgyny & i think for me this kind of gender expression became very important to see & understand. it wasn’t that she didn’t look like a girl, or that she wasn’t a girl, but she also sometimes looked like a boy, or wore boys clothes, but she wasn’t butch. idk this movie sent me for a loop honestly lol. 

& obviously my understanding of gender expression didn’t correlate (& doesn’t correlate!) w so many gender identities, & “passing” is extremely harmful as a notion, etc. but when i was younger my understanding of gender & sexuality was very limited & began to expand when i saw very femme but still andro ppl, even tho i couldn’t articulate it at the time. 

when i was a teenager i knew i didnt want to rly have a single thing to do w any boy, which made me sure i was a lesbian bc thats the only narrative i’d rly known abt queerness, or queer women, or even queer ppl who presented as femme. there werent any out lesbians at my school (no fucking way), & the only out queer kid at all was a white gay guy a year older than me, who was popular in the way white gay boys can be popular in high school. but i read voraciously, was fascinated by the crossdressing in shakespeare (paris in the merchant of venice was a particular fixation of mine?) & anyway. i knew i was queer, i knew i liked girls, & i knew i was outrageously uncomfortable w my body, particularly my breasts. for a long time i thought this was because i was ashamed of my sexuality, when i came to sort of understand that, but ofc now i know abt dysmorphia & dysphoria, so yknow. knowledge.

when i went to college i came out big time, & it became very important to me to both be queer & look sort of queer but not queer enough to be Queer—i wanted ppl to be like ‘maybe into girls, but maybe straight.’ as im sure many of us know, this was a lot of internalized shame abt a lot of things, so that sucks. however, i cut my hair which was like the first comfortable thing i had done for my appearance in a v long time, & also smth which my parents hated & i did anyway. i wore a Lot of rly femme stuff bc they hated it tho? so this was all v confusing for me bc my parents are v homophobic, & here i was in college starting to read queer theory & gender theory & falling in love w like. the most beautiful, brilliant girl, & also spiraling into a mixed episode after i got diagnosed w bipolar I, which sort of put everything else on the backburner for a year. 

eventually tho i sorted that out (as much as u can sort smth like that out) & i started to rly pay attention to androgyny. i went to europe & i think theres a whole bunch of nuances to fashion that exist there that certainly arent here, & i spent a winter in warsaw so there were aspects to fashion & expression there that were entirely abt functionality, which i was v attracted to. in college, as well, & especially after college, gender became smth i was v much invested in bc i was (& absolutely am) a feminist, so my place in the canon & zeitgeist was one as a queer female writer. it was so so central to who i was, & what i was writing abt. every single thing i wrote in college was in some way a balm, some sort of piece abt myself, learning abt trauma & the body. sorting through a lot of hurt. i could write a theory piece abt elizabeth bishop & reading it back now i know it was also abt me, that kinda stuff.

when i went to toronto i rly rly started being invested in looking critically at gender & my experience of it bc being read as a woman was smth that was grating on me, even tho i had identified as woman for so long, & had no desire at all to transition. i know 100% i am not a trans man, so that was confusing for a long time because i sort of knew there was a space between but it was very hard to conceptualize. eventually i sort of came to understand gender is a color wheel where cis boys are blue & cis women are pink & then theres literally a ton of other colors out there, so yknow. lots of different experiences of gender. some days i feel much more strongly like i identify w women (in mostly political situations, it matters to me to be read as “female” sometimes bc rights for ppl w vaginas AND trans women are FUCKED UP in so many places). some days i hate the idea of identifying as a woman. i also never want to identify as a man. so when i was in toronto i rly started to know a LOT of queer ppl w so many different expressions of gender. & we were all young & lovely & open & fucked up & we would get fucked up but we would also go read together in the park & wander around alleys in the snow & like. there’s a Muchness to toronto that i experienced that helped me, personally, understand these intersections between my own sexuality & gender & expression as much more than just a gay woman who isn’t butch & isn’t femme. i was rly lucky to become part of a community that identified as Queer, & so i became v much understanding of these different aspects of my own identity that fell outside of binary—my sexuality, my gender. Queerness is a vital & profound thing to me & i was rly able (& so fortunate) to have a close friend group of mostly queer ppl & then a few of the actual literally most incredible allies i’ve ever known & will ever know. 

so then from there i just rly kinda thought abt things & like i got a binder & stuff in TO but rly started to evaluate my dysmorphia & dysphoria (i had struggled really badly w an eating disorder in/post college) & was able to sort out that so much of it had to do w feeling uncomfortable in the way my body was read in the world. & that will always happen bc i LOVE makeup & i have a “feminine” voice & sometimes i love skirts & i shave my legs bc i like how it feels sometimes & i dont ever want to go on T—none of these things make anyone ANY gender, but ofc theyre coded as “female.” but i’m learning to just yknow educate where i can & take a lot of solace in the community of ppl i have fostered who support & understand my Being. i’ve also allowed myself to be invested in aesthetics & fashion & how much a role that plays bc like. yah fuck Yah i look cool shit bc my friends love it & absolutely i wanna wear the same vans maia mitchell has & i want a melodrama hoodie & i LOVE local toronto designers & their angsty patches abt sad songs & whiskey but i love fashion born out of histories that is connected to smth i can understand, like queer punk movements, or smth my friends & i share, like blundstones (which are gender neutral, which is cool). i’m fascinated in how ppl express their Selves, & we are so unfortunately Finite in our bodies in the sense that that’s rly how the world, in our day to day interactions, processes who & what we are. so i invest in the care of mine by trying to listen to it, trying to make it comfortable—& clothing is a huge thing that can do that. also its fun so anyone who thinks loving (ethical, cool) fashion is vain can eat my ass

anyway lmao now i have a p decent sense, atm at least, of what makes my body its most comfortable (even if that is v far from Comfortable at times). i love my tattoos, & i basically never rly want long hair again i’m p sure, & i love makeup, & if i could wear vans or blundstones every day for the entirety of my life at this point that would be incredible. those are easy things, & i try to allow my body, in its cultural place, to have access to them as much as possible, which is so important to me in a sense of having access to a physical space that matches my mental space of gender identity. politically sometimes i feel v v much a “woman” in terms of my lived experience, & i allow that of myself as well. sometimes when i write it’s important to me that my poetry be read as a queer person but also someone who is culturally coded as a woman, bc those are still always central concerns of my work—the trauma, the power there. but day to day i’m mostly happy spending my time obsessing over other things, like what to call this new genre of music halsey & lorde are making, or why my dog stevie is a Fanatic when it comes to ice cubes. ive come to enough terms w my gender, & my sexuality—& the expression thereof—that unless someone is talking abt gender, or someone asks me a question, it’s not smth that is constantly on my mind, which is. Nice. its so nice lol. 

also i would like to point out that i know my experience being non binary is rly rly white & western in so many ways & i get that. my cultural experience of non binary gender is also v much this like. ive felt frustrated before but never in my life have i felt scared to be non-binary while i was like out & abt in the world, bc i still pass as a cis white woman literally everywhere all the time (which has its pros & cons but like, still, a lot of privilege). so i do try to keep all of that in mind as well when i try to center myself & all that jazz

& who tf knows where all of that will take me. i feel like, bc ive learned to listen to my body & my brain so much better than i did when i was younger—even when they might hate themselves—i am so much better at filling up a space in the world that occupies smth healthy. which is not smth i take lightly, & i’m also so open to changes, as long as they feel good & beneficial & true. which is sort of new for me. who knows man ur mid twenties are a wild ride 

[waterblight]

i have like 3 reasons why i think about my names so much:

1) something to do with online aliases that slowly is becoming less important but basically i have some sort of anxiety or whatever with it

2) i’m non binary babey!!!!

3) i’m asian with an asian name

3.5) i’m constantly fighting between tired of having to spell or say my name esp to ppl who don’t need retain that info (like they need my name for an order or whatever) or wanting to hold onto my name because it’s a part of my culture and i don’t want to feel like i’m not proud of my name because i am and i like it!

and i know that i’m not the only one with this problem but i feel like i should’ve decided long ago and should’ve been comfortable with the one i chose but idk...idk i just feel bad for making friends/mutuals having to often change how they refer to me. i mean gray is still ok aster is still ok but what if one day i don’t feel that way anymore? also they aren’t actual names i’m going by irl altho technically i could go by gray but hmmst but anyways avery.... is good name but i just feel :/// when friends have been calling me that lately

maybe i’m just... like making this bigger than it needs to be

and it feels weird to be ok with my birth name which is def feminine, but also want a name that’s more neutral. and i can’t just look at a viet name bc like.... that kinda defeats the purpose of wanting a “western name” but i also feel guilty like............... my gender..............

my parents are fine with this bc like they just think i want an “american” name and understand the reasons behind it. 

#9n0ne #nb/trans friends/mutuals: hey it's ok that you feel this way #you're not lying #it's a journey! #me: yeah but.... #// but anyways i wish i talked to more trans poc bc while i know yt trans understand and relate #i feel like my ethnicity also plays a big hand too so i was wondering if it's a similar problem non white americans/westerners have too? #there was a read more here #sorry #and then there's that fucking feeling like i'm kinning griffin when i liked the name before #listen i like a names but bird names tho #if i can't go by lark bc it sounds too close to my brother's name #then a bird or bird adjacent name ok