#because if i go to a therapist and get diagnosed theres no way im getting top surgery ever

[vestaldestroyer]

ok I wonder if there's someone out there who has this too

I don't get crushes or fall in love. instead, I become obsessed with people. I feel absolute loyalty and devotion to them. I'd do anything they ask without question. it's instinctive and automatic, I don't even think about it. I become their servant and follow them around like a puppy. every minimal attention from them gives me infinite joy.

this is always one sided and everyone eventually gets creeped out or annoyed and leaves. it breaks me every time. yet I can't stop it from happening. I try to hold back but it's almost impossible.

not that I would wish this on anybody, but please tell me I'm not the only one

#i finally put it into words #now lets see... who could get me #aromantic #arospec #aroace #demonkin #otherkin #angelkin #divinekin #neurodivergent #maybe? #idk. just help me please. #tell me im not a messed up freak #bpd #<- people in the notes said it could be that so lets see if someone can confirm this for me #if im actually borderline then im fucked #because if i go to a therapist and get diagnosed theres no way im getting top surgery ever #since one of the main symptoms is abruptly changing self image #im fairly sure i am trans. i have been iding as such for years and its not going away #fuck. this is turning my world upside down

[ark1os]

.

I didnt know the tags woulr be so much i shouldve just wrote a long vent 😭😭😭 rip

#lol. there are still times where my brain goes omg what if you’re really a narc #and then i go out of my way to make sure my friends are as comfortable as possible and thati meet all their needs and i apologize every few #minutes for something silly or for maybe hurting them unintentionally and then i remember of #every fallout w people in my life where i was always taking responsibility for my actions n for my role to what led to the fallouts no #matter how toxic the person was and i remember all the times i geniunely apologized to my siblings for my mistakes (without them pointing #out i did smth wrong) and i remember all the tomes someone told me i hurt them and i owned up to it and apologized and then i go #oh ywa. maybe not ? #bonus: all the times i helped someone out in secret to bring some ease in their life without ever telling them or bragging eith it or #using it against them or reminding them that i did x y z for them #and then all the times where my guilt ate me up at nights and i cried and the times where i brought out the best of people because my love #is Nuturing. yea #AND I GUESS THE FACT THAT MY EX BEST FRIEND TOLD ME IM A NARC AND I STRAIGHT UP WENT OMG YEA! PROBABLY! BECAUSE I WOULDVE BELIEVED HER #ANYTHING 😭😭😭😭 BECAUSE INWAS SO SURE SHE KNEW ME BETTER THAN I KNEW MYSELF! 😭😭😭 #BECAUSE I HAD LOST MYSELF COMPLETELY IN THE FRIENDSHIP 😭😭😭😭 NOT VERY NARC OF ME 😭😭😭😭😭😭 #but yea. i guess abandonment issues apathy and lack of communication skills (which leads to passive aggressivness) will make you look like a #narc i get where she came from! but still. if i ever see someone diagnose other people i will simply tell them to shut up #especially based on sentences taken out of context. not very sexy #and also very stupid. #rationally seen i shouldve kicked out the thought that im probably not one when my therapist told me theres no chance i am but. when you get #treated like a freaking mondter from the people you’ve trusted deeply. it does something to you >.> #also when my therapist said that she has No rights to make Any diagnosis or statements about other people because whatever i tell her its #going to tell her more about me than them. i shouldve just dtopped believing it honestly. like freaking sideeye to those therapists thst #told my ex friends im a narc. and a big fat kiss to my therapist for being such a beautiful empathstic underztanding patient beautiful and #kind person #alhamdulillah ^-^ #kicked out the thought thst i am one * #and also a big fat sorry for being hsving no empathy. my communication skills are getting brtter and im working on my abandonment issues #(sfter being abandoned by my closest friends and family hello this is so sexy of me) and im soooo much more st peace w myself n i like and #care aboyt myself ^-^ even just writing a list of positive things ahout me is smth i wouldve never done two years ago #(also my family took me back alhamdulillah eheh)

[lemontoad-old]

.

#going to vent here bc too heavy stuff to directly relay on my friends but im in the uk so i cant just get a therapist #anyway #i have become. so insanely depressed recently. bc my physical health has been declining and thats also taking a mental toll on me #i dont use depressed lightly. ive been officially diagnosed with clinical depression before and then it was gone for about a year #but boy oh boy its Back #and all my mental problems came back bc my physical health decided to just peace out. and now my mental and physical health are making- #each other worse #physically i have become so tired 24/7 that i just cant do anything other than work (because i need that to live) #and i dont know why! my body just stopped having energy! for months and months now. ive just been working and being in pain and sleeping #<- but also having insomnia so more like laying in bed and watching something to not die of boredom #i dont even work that much anymore. just my contracted hours. and i can see my coworkers handle it fine. they have time and energy to do- #things they want to do and not just live to work. but thats all im doing bc the moment im off the clock im taking my cane out to limp home- #and collapse in bed #i have a doctors appointment on thursday and if they tell me that its just from stress or smth im going to flip #bc no it fucking isnt!! theres no stress in my life other than the fact that my health is giving up #sure yeah my mental health is crap BECAUSE of the fatigue and the pain. not the other way around. so order some tests or i will kill #im already getting myself worked up bc ive been waiting a month and half just for this gp appointment #and i know theres a good chance they are going to wave it off with some stupid excuse instead of actually trying to find out whats wrong #if i dont get medical attention to solve this i might legit just off myself. im barely living as is. work is not living. i want to cry 24/7 #everything hurts so much

[my-castles-crumbling]

hey cas,

so, i dont really know exactly how to word things right so please bear with me while i try to explain a bit.

i think i have bipolar disorder (or something similar, im still looking into things), but i dont know if im just going crazy and imagining things. theres not really anyone in my life i can talk to about it to gauge their opinion, so im kind of left by myself to deal with it.

i dont have a trusted adult or loved one i can go to for help, and ive not been to a doctor since probably 2017 at the latest so im not even sure who id be making an appointment with to discuss anything like this. ive considered trying to get myself into therapy but im afraid that if i go in saying that i think im bipolar and have other mental illnesses (im about 99% certain i have anxiety and likely some sort of depressive disorder too, but that might be more linked with the mood swings of bipolar) that its the wrong way to go about it? like, i might just be really ignorant but i dont think thats how therapy works is it?

basically im worried that if i go in saying the disorders i think i have, then theyll tell me im exaggerating or that i need other people to back me up or that i do need to see my gp doctor (which, again, i dont actually think i have one) or that it isnt my place to try to diagnose myself etc.

im not really sure what im asking here? maybe if you have any advice/experience about what therapy is actually like or what i could expect? or a better way to go about getting help? i really dont know honestly aha, sorry

Well, you've definitely come to the right place lol, I've been to and ghosted many a therapist! (Don't ghost your therapist!)

Actually, recently I started therapy again and it's been a great experience, so let me tell you about it. Warning: I live in the US, so if you live elsewhere, it might be different.

When you start therapy, they're going to ask you a LOT of questions. Lots about your background, your childhood, your feelings, etc. It'll feel a bit invasive, but make sure to be honest! Like brutally honest. Like if you're like...'I might be feeling this way but idk if I'm faking..' tell them that. They need to know everything.

Then, if you're a minor, they'll talk to your parents and get their insight. If you have issues with your parents, make sure to tell them that BEFORE this part happens, so they can take what your parents say with a grain of salt.

Last, they'll give you a 'tentative diagnosis.' This means that this is what they think you have, but it's not a die-hard medical diagnosis. They'll treat you based on this, but if you ever wanted accommodations in school or anything for it, you would have to go to a clinical psychiatrist to get it written up.

Here's the thing: the diagnosis my surprise you or even make you feel invalidated. If it does? Tell them that. Because, two things: One- they may have gotten something wrong. Or two- they need to know if you aren't understanding something fully.

To be very personal, I am diagnosed with both depression and anxiety. When I started therapy recently and again got those diagnoses, I wasn't surprised. But I also was told I have 'illness-anxiety disorder' which is the new term for a hypochondriac. I was super insulted because I was picturing the stereotypical hypochondriac who fakes illnesses for attention (this was uneducated of me) but my therapist explained that this version of anxiety more means that I have a lot of anxiety related to being nervous to get sick or the results of getting sick. Which was like- oh. yeah. I do panic every time someone sneezes on me. My therapist said this has become increasingly common since COVID.

All this to say it sounds like seeking out therapy might be a great way for you to get the answers you're looking for. But even if they're not the answers you think they'll be, remember that your feelings and experiences are still extremely valid and no less real.

<3 <3 <3

#ask #asks #ask cas #therapy

[omnitricks]

this is a bunch of nothing but i made it so im going to post it somewhere. but its for me first and foremost

and for your reading pleasure im going to post a bunch of shit under a readmore

okay so, if you know me, you know that i have some level of bipolar disorder. i was tentatively diagnosed by a therapist i went to when i was about 17, and while i never got that formal diagnosis tattooed onto my body, it, frankly, was kind of fucking obvious in retrospect.

i have talked.. a LOT. about how my teens were filled with a near constant level of homicidal anger. a lot of it was comprised of your standard teen loneliness, going through the wrong puberty, and maybe a sprinkling of childhood emotional abuse, but. whatever. you get it.

i am also autistic, which is fun. the two are.. 'comorbid,' or something, maybe thats the wrong term, but i dont care. nobody is reading this. anyway. basically this means whenever i do feel something, which isn't always, i feel it in a Fun and Unusual way. so far i have been able to cope with my fun and unusual emotions by rationalizing them, or like.. anthropomorphizing them, but in reverse. i dont know. i am angry a LOT, and i form that anger in my head as a smilodon. again, autistic. not the point.

but i've never really thought about what my bipolar disorder itself felt like in my brain. until, y'know, this. this inexplicable thing i can't get rid of but makes my life harder. you know how it is. but.. anyway. back to the near constant level of homicidal anger.

im not going to blame the myriad shitty things i did as a kid exclusively on my mental illnesses, and how poorly they were managed, but im confident i wouldn't have been nearly as bad had i gone to a proper psychiatrist. and gotten medicated, probably. but then again i probably would've done better with *no* mental help considering the first therapist my parents took me to essentially pushed me back into the closet for a few years. that was fun.

point is. i've come to terms with a lot in the past few years, but only recently have i been able to like.. help with it? i have a very supportive partner and she helps so much in calming me down. but its still, yknow, a mental illness that i have.

which is why it's so upsetting to me when people refer to intrusive thoughts and become upset with you if you talk about yours and they're not fun and innocent and quirky enough. people with intrusive thoughts about murder rise up. 'eww theres something wrong with you' WHAT DO YOU THINK MENTAL ILLNESS IS, *CORBYN.*

sorry to any corbyns in the crowd tonight i bet you're a great 17 year old trans boy who hangs out in your high school's library during lunch.

this is a lot of rambling. but like. point is. i have bipolar disorder and it makes living hard and i never feel properly 'safe' in my own home. because, though i know this isn't true, i feel as if i could at one random moment just snap and enter another one of those white-hot rage states where i do something ill regret for the rest of my life. you know?

but all in all, im a lot better than i was. im not great *now* but im a lot better too

#vent #i guess? #its not a very good comic #but i had to collect my thoughts.

[allsadnshit]

if this is too personal or invasive pls ignore, but as someone with a chronic illness, did you deal with being misdiagnosed with some other chronic illness before finally being diagnosed officially with yours ? im feeling that way right now and its. a difficult feeling and just feel very alone not knowing anyone else to relate. being told one thing and then another and not knowing what to believe and what is right etcetc...

Yes I have definitely been through that many times both with physical illness and mental illness!

I've had lots of period pain and urinary pain since I was in high school and never once had any obgyn interested in even talking about it because they passed it off as normal and when I was going consistently in 2020 because I was sooo in pain they STILL refused to take any further actions. I suspected endometriosis and my obgyn straight up said theres almost no chance I had it. I went behind her back and found a specialist/surgeon in my area and got the surgery just on a whim and it turns out I have it. So I wish I had advice but really it just takes a lot of time, over 10 years for me!

Same thing with my OCD, I have been in therapy since I was 5 because my mom died and they had me pinned down as traumatized, depressed as a teenager, bi polar as a teenager, then a panic disorder in my 20's, and I finally got my OCD diagnosis last year. So what's that like 20 years? I can't even count how many specialist/therapists I've been through.

I don't have anything fru-fru and encouraging to really say besides no one is going to do it for you. If you put it off, if you give up, if you don't trust yourself and your understanding of your own body...no one else is going to come in with magic answers and determination to make sure you get better. You have to decide you are done waiting, and then just take a step every day whether that's going through a bunch of doctor introductions, reading books, reaching out to people with conditions you suspect you have, listening to podcasts....whatever! But the medical system doesn't care if we live or die.... if they did we would all have free/affordable healthcare and there wouldn't be a impossible large history of oppression and what does or doesn't receive funding for research and labs wouldn't be decided based on valuing certain body's over others.

I hope you decide you are worth it! I definitely think so.

[mental-health-advice]

im not a good person. how do i deal with this?

i dont know what’s wrong with me. but im a horrible person. i dont think i am, deep down somewhere in my conscious. somewhere in my conscious, theres a nagging little voice telling me im fine, telling me im a good person. and for years that voice wasn’t a whisper, it was a scream, and it drowned out EVERYTHING.

but then, i started seeing more and more posts on mental health, talking about gaslighting and manipulation and all of these things that make horrible people what they are, and i realized “oh. im horrible.”

im not a good person. i push people away only to cling to them, begging they stay at my side. i vent to others only to turn a blind eye when they need me. i hate people i love, and ive actively imagined hurting those close to me, and i smile when i get those horrible thoughts. i have such bad anger issues i can explode into yells at one second, only to be normal and “cheery” the next. i manipulate and gaslight and lovebomb my closest friends. i get so jealous it burns me and makes me think awful things about people. ive actively had very vivid thoughts about hurting or killing people, and i get the same thoughts about being hurt or killed.

how do i deal with this? im in therapy, but for different reasons, and im not sure how to bring it up with my therapist.

Hey there,

I don’t think that there is such a thing of there being ‘bad’ or ‘horrible’ people in life. I do however think that sometimes people may do the wrong things for reasons that may be out of their control or through a lack of education or support from others. So in saying all of this, I do not think that you a horrible person at all. Yes, you may not always act in the best of ways but the fact that you have acknowledged this and are actively trying to seek some support and advice shows that you are actually a really good person because you are wanting to change/ make changes in your life.  

I know that you mentioned that you are in therapy for reasons that do not include what you have sent to us in your Ask, but, given that you have been quite descriptive in what is going on for you/ how you are feeling, would you feel comfortable in writing down this stuff or even showing your therapist what you have written to us? Sometimes writing can be so helpful and especially in times when you may find talking difficult or you are not sure on how to bring something up to someone, so maybe this is something that you could think about doing. Another idea on how you may bring this up in therapy may be by jotting down some points of what it is that you would like to say and try to elaborate on each point. Try not to focus on if you are saying or explaining things badly because apart of therapy is learning to talk more easily and/ or wording things better, and so your therapist will be able to ask the relevant questions/ help to prompt you to help you to say what it is you would like to or be more specific in things your therapist may want to know more about. So try to be kind to yourself and know that therapists have heard a lot of things in the past and so there isn’t really anything that is too big or scary that they have not heard before.

You mentioned that until you started to read posts about mental health and what others may struggle with or ways in which they may act. Is there a way where you can avoid reading such things? You may be able to do this by blocking specific things online that may view the most mental health related topics and try to read about more neutral or healthier things in life. I am not saying that reading about mental health is bad, as it can help us to connect to others/ feel less alone with our own struggles or diagnoses, but sometimes reading too much and too often on a certain topic (like mental health) can lead us to ruminate over it which can make us feel worse over time. So is this something that you may be able to do or think about? Of course, you don’t need to do anything you don’t want or make any changes that you don’t feel comfortable in doing, but sometimes even thinking about things can help you to think about what you may need in life and how you may be able to get it.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #reading about mental health #therapy

[scarsmood]

may i ask why you support endogenic systems? genuinely curious on your thoughts on it.

Tldr; they’re cool. Idm. The rest of this devolves into me bursting into flames. So popcorn is recommended.

They fuck, putting on my little shit glasses. Here’s what I can say diagnostic criteria as someone with diagnosed DID is kinda fucking awful. Our system for people with mental illnesses isn’t comprehensive, it isn’t all knowing, we also don’t account for so much shit it’s scary.

I have so many endogenic friends. I can’t give a fuck. Their existence doesn’t effect mine. Language is a different story something I see a lot. My only ask is that an endogenic system doesnt claim they fully understand a DID system which ive seen in syscourse. That’s just not gonna happen similar to lived experiences issues. Their different experiences and thats fine.

I think tolerance is a better word for me. Because i am system aggressive and it doesnt discriminate. You put me near other systems because of previous abuse from other traumagenic systems im prone to lash out. I just can’t conntect well like I used to.

So i tolerate all of you. Equally. I don’t see a reason to discriminate. I’ve seen some abuse on both ends and don’t think its a systematic issue rather a individuals are assholes problem.

Honestly? Seems more like a huge distraction to have a little war this way to distract from the rampant abuse all systems face. We should all agree its bullshit theres no accommodations, systems aren’t prevalent in academics yet. Thats a bigger issue. If you wanna spend time helping people with say DID or accomodations related to their plurality id take a dip into academic papers and see how bad it really is.

Let’s set the stage and remind ourselves.

In 2010 it was okay to force integrate systems

In the early 2000’s and 90’s endogenics and traumagenic systems didnt have much of any significant voice in medical settings. Typically treated as schitzophrenia for BOTH.

In the 1980’s it was okay and normal to overdose a paitent with DID and kill them. Then claim it was an alter.

When i see people fight over endogenic systems. I want to scream st them thats not the point. When I was being told by my first therapist to be very careful as a 14 year old because its a very real fear i will be experimented on without my consent.

I wonder why the FUCK endogenics are even on peoples radar. When I do intensive EMDR for years that cost me thousands of dollars out of pocket. I work fulltime jobs JUST to go to therapy.

This blog is my fun haha blog where I go to disconnect. Tomorrow im waking up at 7am to drive for intensive therapy getting myself in debt and picking up new meds for my DID.

Nothing about plurality is even remotely safe yet. Not safe enough to bicker about why endos should stay in their lane. We have a common enemy. Endogenic systems have so much information to. They know how to communicate without dissociation. I envy thag because DID costs me past 7k its a car at this point. Probably more.

Why would i not support someone whose got their shit figured out? I respect the hell out of that. I just don’t see why their an issue. Not when I have to listen to my disability officer tell me im not disabled enough. I have to argue with someone dipshit that my pain isn’t farfetched and I will experience very real consequences without accommodations.

I love playing the victim though. Traumagenic systems are noteably more unstable than endogenic systems. We are literally disordered. Im system aggressive because i cannot stand to see functionality in other systems. Ive watched traumagenic systems tear into endogenics, raid their spaces and spew hate in the name of ???

Happens on both sides. Like i said but its easier to pretend were the victims. Im just very tired of going through therapy, life, and social interactions at a disadvantage. Endogenic systems remind me theres people like me who are a little different who maybe arent as fucked. I think thats cool. Because its hard for me to tell if im gonna make it or not. I like the inspiration.

You caught me at a bad time anon ask me again after im done with some of the hardest choices ive had to make in my life

#rant #tw

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

r u doing alright? how's your heart?

im doing fine! my heart is.... eeehhhhhh

i just got out of my psychiartist appointment. she perscribed me ONE MILLIGRAM of medicine because shes so worried about my heart 😭

my heart rate is notoriously fast- even when i'm asleep, its on the far end of the spectrum of "normal sleeping heart rate"

my blood pressure spikes sometimes, and when i bend down and get back up i have dizzy spells that get WAY worse in heat

i got an EKG done, a stress test, and a tilt table test (for POTS)

all came back normal!!!

i'm getting my EKG rechecked because my psych wants that to happen before she perscribes me anything, lest i like. die of Heart Explode

i got it explained to me by another doctor, that my blood vessels dont contract correctly? hence the dizziness. but im worried theres something more considering every single doctor i see is extremely concerned about my heart, so there has to be smth up with the pumper itself yk?

the funny thing is, i have a friend who works for a famous cardiologist. my man's on magazines n shit! and she said she could get me in to see him. id have to travel to new jersey but to be fair i kind of already had to do that to get all my SHIT THATS STILL UP THERE!!!

so i might do that just so i can get some answers on what the fuck is going on. also because since its a) medical and b) new joisey, my dad might pay for my plane ticket! fun!!

still reeling that i got one (1) milligram of medicine. this is a dose for children (no really, she told me so herself!)

she doesnt think i have aspd :P she thinks im autistic and adhd and have bpd. but maybe if she talked to me a bit more shed figure out why i think i have aspd! i have seen you twice and seen the therapist who diagnosed me like. a billion times

and then she took my blood pressure at the end of the session and it jumped WAY up!! so she took it a third time 😭 and then my heart rate was 96 bpm which hey! its a double digit i cannot complain!

#but dont worry i prommy i wont die of heart explode #it all sounds concerning but im stable i pwommy #wasks #i gotta go PEE in a CUP

[elytrafemme]

actually im going 2 rephrase. im not against self diagnosis & im happy if my experiences can help other ppl figure things out & im sure im a hypocrite bc even my BPD thing is like... well u werent given a questionnaire and diagnosed professionally so none of the other stuff that went into this realization both on my and my therapists end matters. so its like im sure ppl think that im faking this too and by God i am scared that IM faking this lol. 

but what i just get. upset by ig is like... i think bc im in the same shoes but like. sometimes u read info abt mental health disorders & the info is online and meant 2 distill the experience down to be easily understood and ppl are like ok! This Applies To Me bc ultimately every disorder at its basis relates to some kind of human experience it just gets amplified thats all the controversy with the dsm5 etc etc

and i know bc i did that! when i was trying to figure out what was wrong w me (and repressing any part of me that thought it was BPD) i looked into disorders and went Oh Shit Thats Me bc i wasnt looking at testimonials or actual diagnostic info or studies yet i was like. well this summarized version (still from a reputable source or primary source. thats important these arent like random ass websites right) makes sense to Me. i did this with bipolar because i knew i had depressive episodes and i kenw i had periodic hypomanic (which i think at this point is below hypomanic but still some sort of psychological manic response, its complicated i can explain if anyone cares etc) so i was like this is probably it! but when i actually figured out ok how does bipolar affect ppls lives how does it manifest across a WIDE sample i was like oh, no. this doesn’t really make sense at all. 

and when u further deconstruct disorders as like... theres so much overlap and sometimes the traits that could be explained by X disorder are better explained by Y disorder bc to an extent these labels are ‘arbitrary’ (not the right word but u get it), you realize like ok. what im worried about IS valid but these arent the explanations. 

this is all to say that i get it and im not upset at ppl for being in different stages of realizing that. 

i think what upsets me is when i try to articulate 2 people like. here’s my experience w/ this right and its like, already so so hard to articulate bc  how do i capture this in a way that doesnt raise alarm but is inherently alarming but without that element of risk it just sounds too abstract? it sounds very much non maladaptive when i try to take out the parts that are really really bad so even trying to explain why i act the way i act is extremely vulnerable. and then bc i cant explain it ppl are like “oh omg i do that too” or they do the far less favored “girl that’s normal” which ppl, actually do say to me.

and i dont like this idea of ‘trauma olympics’ or comparison or whatever but i do think to an extent its important to emphasize that like... a lot of symptoms are really intense versions of what a person may everyday experience heres a BPD related example right. everyone has had times where they are irrationally hating a close friend of theirs. ESPEC if that relationship is already complicated . so whenever i talk about splitting ppl are like no no thats normal or Oh yeah i get it.

but splitting isnt “i have a complex dynamic w a person i have heavy emotional investment with therefore sometimes i really hate them” and splitting isnt “me and my friend have this underlying tension and now i kind of want them dead”. splitting for me is like... i would throw away my entire future for someone bc there is no no way that anything they want could be morally wrong. and then in the next moment i am CONVINCED i have to kill them because they are immoral and deserve to be hunted down because they are manipulative and vile and abusive. and its the same person and this could be an ENTIRE fucking stranger, ive done this with ppl ive known for like. a total of an hour. 

so its not like im trying to tell people like no you dont have BPD no you dont split etc. but its hard to say like. you dont get it. bc that makes people want to duouble down right!

but sometimes ppl dont get it. and it sucks bc i feel like im at a place where i HAVE to explain whats going on with me (tho ive resisted telling some ppl thank God) but whenever i do i regret it bc they very clearly do not get it and they’re trying but they like. make jokes about me being “actually a horrible person” or talk about how i need medication and its like. if you listened you would remember why i cant do that but at this point i dont think u listened i think the words went to your ears and you forgot what they all meant at all. 

#nightmare.personal #DO NOT RB #long post

[hi-chae]

The Sorority Logs - #1 The Beginning

hello! we're the sorority! you may know me from @the-sorority-system and our syscourse posts but here is our more casual blog.

the details of this log will be our diagnosis journey, our thoughts on how therapy is going, and more. we need a healthy way to put these thoughts out. whether or not we're a disordered system will be determined in the future and will be in the contents of this log but we find this log to be important anyways. If I am disordered, cool, this will be a great way to detail our journey. If I'm not, this will help questioning systems figure certain things out.

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS ALL FROM MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE FROM THE STATE I AM IN WITHIN THE U.S. DO NOT see this log as a checklist of everything you need to do to get referrals / diagnosed. This is all within my personal experience and yours will be different. There is also a general content warning for doubting your system. is disclaimer will be put on the beginning of all of my posts.

The journey will be long... let's start

it all starts in... god i don't even know where the proper start is. was it in summer of 2022, where i had a mental breakdown so bad that lutz came in and took care of me? was it in summer of 2021, where i discovered the endogenic community and finally felt heard? only for that to be ripped from me in that same winter? or was it sometime in middle school, where i was "faking" DID because i thought it was cool but my members were never anime characters and i felt something physically change when i was them?

the answer is: i dont know. maybe it started in childhood when i made up a best friend named rachel or maybe it was far from that. i dont know. and im scared to know but also im excited to find out.

i live in an area where information about DID isnt exactly up to date. according to more experiences systems, not a lot of therapists know how to recognize it. and not a lot of therapists in general specialize in DID.

but im getting tested anyways. and im incredibly lucky to do so. because i got a referral to get a psych eval and im getting follow up tests in March. that should be exciting right? it is but... i dont want to be told my problems arent serious and they arent what i think they are and that the way i view myself is wrong. i feel like a lot of our identity focuses on how our brain works and its... terrible. i wish i could accept everything i was told i am but theres something deep inside of me who knows what i or we are.

no more thoughts. lets get some dates down.

end of November

i get my psych eval done. i dissociate the whole time while he asks me and my mom questions about my mental health. i think he notices this because he wants testing done on my dissociation. i feel relieved but also terrified. mostly because of my insurance.

DEC 13TH, 2022

in therapy, a protected little comes out with our permission. she cries and cries and babbles baby talk. our therapist can see our hurt and wants her to know she's doing a good job. but something feels... off. he refers to them as our core and talks about how she's actually a big kid who isn't who she actually is. she knows this isn't true. she cries anyways. she trusts him. thats a relief. but something still feels wrong. she continues therapy groups, still sensitive, still small, until we leave for the night, where one of us forces her to go back (she did a really good job). we process whats happened. it feels wrong, feels gross. we cant put a finger on it other than that we feel invalidated somehow. to some people we went to about how we werent who we thought we were. they comfort and reassure us. our biggest worry was that he didnt believe us but if he didnt believe us, he wouldnt have brought out that little. his information is just a little outdated, go figure. they suggest we go to him the next day to ask him to do more modern techniques

DEC 14tth, 2022

we ask him to go for more modern techniques and he said we would talk about it in our next session. we straight up ask him if he thinks we have a dissociation disorder and he says he doesnt think i do. he thinks i have very separated "protective parts of myself". it sends me into a panic. i ask a few people if they know if most therapists know how to recognize DID, because something felt off again. not a lot do, the more experienced system says. they press more and analyze that it seems like he knows he's out of his area of expertise and that his info is just really outdated due to the fact that DID used to be seen as MPD and there was a time where MPD was seen as "needing the inner child to be healed" (it also wasnt considered a dissociative disorder). that somewhat reassures me. what reassures me the most is hearing how if hes accepting of the idea to talk about it next session, he's willing and encouraging of it. if he avoids the topic, he's likely doubtful. more than anything, i want my experiences to be believed. im glad he believes me. and im glad i can believe that he believes me.

that leaves me with today, awaiting the next session. if im honest, im scared but hopeful. logically, i know i wont be invalidated in my feelings. his heart is in the right place and he wants to help and understand and believe in me. im nervous and he can sense that but i know whatever im going through, he's willing to put in the effort to see who the sorority system is.

#osddid #did system #actually did #dissociative identities #actually dissociative

[urboymutual]

hi, a veteran of parental deterfifying process. rule number one is that you've got to be patient - and not in a way that you've got to put up with your mom's bs, but in a way that you've got to brace yourself for something that might take a while. small steps are good here, as well as systematic exposure. don't flood with information - sneak it in, then sneak it in more often. don't give up. you deserve to be understood. good luck & stay safe

hi anon thanks for actually like . replying to the point of the original post 😭💗

um im gonna explain my situation more under the read more because it may be triggering tw transphobia tw csa mention tw suicide mention

so ive been out since i was 14 years old so its been about 6 years i wanna say. but lord knows ive been patient 😭😭 i think in the beginning it was kinda a battle we would constantly argue but i never really felt like. she would get to be this bad? like its like her brain is rotting by t/rf and anti trans rhetoric

like when i came out i was already in therapy and all the therapist i went to diagnosed me with gender dysphoria 😭 like every single one and she still couldnt believe it and i guess she was in the denial stage and what shes doing now is anger?

idk both my parents have the belief im doing it to make my mom made because i was a rebellious child and shit. but like it was really ur typical religious bigotry and i think thats why it hurts now :/

like ive begged her to go to pflag to talk to other parents of trans people i begged her to talk to trans people besides me ive begged her to listen to my point of view so many times but now shes like a full on t/rf conspiracy theorist

she claims theres a trans agenda, that doctors have initiative to "turn people trans" for money, that "sickos" took transgender out of the dsm because "men have a sick fetish for humiliating other men and making them into women" like this is full on like ur crazy trumper uncle who doesnt believe in vaccines type shit. and when i offer her scientific research its considered "bias" and everything i try to show her is bias.

but its worse because she now sends me videos in my fucking email of "feminist" lawyers talking about how we are "losing women" to the "transgender agenda" and how "men are trying to be women to hurt women" like ur typical t/rf bullshit and its like a mixed fucked up concoction of anti science t/rf christian ideology and it hurts so much 🫠 (she also sends me de transitioning videos that neither here nor there but cis people who claimed to be trans and now are de transitioning and are transphobic as fuck can die by my blade)

but its like . she is serious brainwashed and i think it might be this new church shes going to thats making her even worse and im like. i literally cried myself to sleep last night because like i just want her to love me and she yells at me on the phone saying im butchering my body and like she also says i need more therapy (i go to therapy every month) bc i "was molested as a kid so now i think im trans" and that i "just need to love my body" and it hurts because like. shes literally hitting every single transphobic point and wont listen to me ever

i try listening to her now to understand and to try to see where she is coming from but its ruining my mental health a lot like getting top surgery is the only thing keeping me from suicide to be blunt :/ and now i might not even have that because she's threatening to cut me off and i live in expensive ass california and am in college 😭 like i do not know how to keep going

im just a child on the inside begging for my moms love and shes so brainwashed and it hurts. but yeah i guess shes "so based" when she also threatens me on the phone. idk t/rf much rather see a dead trans kid than care abt women

anyways sorry this is so long it kinda became a vent which was like half the original point of my post in the first place 😭😭 ur advice is good anon but i dont know how much i can keep hanging on 🫠🫠

#tw suicide mention #tw transphobia #tw csa mention #sorry about the long post #im just so #i feel like im drowning

[nyachu]

theres so much i could be doing to make life better like i could put more effort into recovery and allowing myself to exist but if im being quite honest the entire everything of my upbringing is like really annoying to have to fight on my own. my family had some nerve making me this way because now its my job to undo it. and at what point do i stop being myself and become someone unrecognizable. at what point is my view of myself just a combination of traits that were forced into me paired with piss poor coping skills i came up with while living in constant fear. and at what point does the constant fear stop being so constant. like how am i supposed to want to heal and recover from my upbringing if even when im in a safe environment away from it all i still wake up every day with this uncontrollable fear that something terrible is going to happen to me or those around me. and i find it particularly annoying that every single part of who i am and how i act is a product of what my parents forced me to be but when i explain this to my therapist i get diagnosed with bpd. like oh ok so its my bad that i act like this. as if its not how i had to be to survive. but its now a certified skill issue. bpd moment for sure. now i have to undo it all. its my job to learn to be more palatable. i dont wanna be

#i hate this stupid ass diagnosis it literally isnt even real its just a way to call me cringe

[vaiminhatristeza]

08/12/2022

I think Im about to kill myself right this moment wtf

how can it all come downhill so damn fast, I was about to get to the doctor, get a therapist, tell my dad everything and all of that this week end, I just coudlnt bring myself to go to school again like idk how many fucking times in my sort of depression crisis, but today the school had to call my dad, he had to call me and yell at me because he cant understand without THE EXPLAINATION I WAS ABOUT TO GIVE HIM LIKE TOMOROW. Now thx to all of that I feel again like theres no exit and should just jump off the damn roof, I think I wont die anyway and Ill be in a nice hospital with everyone caring about me and not questioning why Im not acting the way Im supposed to, why Im not smiling, why I cant make friends, why I cant get myself to go to school or finish the homework on time. Im hyperventilating idk what to do, my dad wants me to go explain myself rn to the school, theres no way I stop crying anytime soon and even if I stop Ill start again in front of them and It will be fucking embarassing I dont need that rn.

How dare I even think of offing myself, everyone would be so devastated how am I so selfish thats awful. I really wanted all of that to be sorted out in a better way but my only options rn are do like my dad said and be so fucking embarassed I end up offing myself when I come back, either I off myself now, or I tell everything to my dad by text and I know he dont want to read that on his workplace.

Im just beeing so selfish rn wow, if I do any of these things I wont forgive myself. I shouldve get diagnosed way before all of that, I dont know what made me feel like I was cured all of the sudden and that I had the mental strenght to pull some more school years, I was already at my limits 6 years ago

[bracebitez]

probably long ass vent

im aware i should be telling this shit to a therapist ect but yea

so last few months have been fuckin weird, uhh realized a few weeks or month or so back that the substance abuse issues are actually likely binge addiction which is interesting, i have like diagnosed on my chard substance abuse disorder but always thought it was like a whatever thing ig but actually have realized its fucked me up alot and was seriously not good at all ect,

mainly because a while ago i went on a week where i was just out of my mind high like the entire time in a way of i dont even want to be high i just want this brain shit to fuck off, had alot of like probably genuine drug induce psychosis moment and alot of just weird stuff ig and majorly fucked with depersonalization, like i still have a super weird shaky and scary sense of self because of it, there were multiple times during that i genuinely did not know who i was where i was ect even tho entire time i was literal laying in bed praying i could sleep it off and itd stop, which rlly fucked me up and i kept getting high anyway and worsening it because i didnt wanna deal with it or see a point to doing so, which fucked with me

and then also like a few weeks ago or so i once again got high a few times which were really not good to the point of im not sure if it was flashbacks or like what but have a whole weird psychotic thing i still dk if it was real or not what i was experiencing or rembering type thing cuz it reallyy felt like multiple intense detailed flashbacks that aligned and made sense with so much of my life ect when i was little n explained a lot but also like i really dont think any of that stuff happened and was likely just tranfered thoughts images ect experinces ect from the othwr very real trauma i do know i have and also likely tied with like that and the constant nightmares about that stuff but also i really dont know, its very likely just drug induced shit tied inti past trauma on that subject coupled with the nightmares and intrusive thoughts about it,

so thats a whole thing, then like also just the intrusive thoughts are getting so bad that its like i stay in bed and dont wanna do or view or just anything that could trigger them or remind me of them because the second they happen my brain just latches on and force feeds me graphic detailed images and just plays it all out n its just really vile, and is so bad for so many reasons

also like my brain is fucked like cognitively atp from alotta stuff that its like i cldnt go back to being able to do the things or be the person i was because of it which is both good and bad i suppose

im just majorly struggling with alotta stuff and yea, i haven't had any motivation for work or to do anything really for like a few different reasons aswell, the panic and just overwhelming ness i have with just existing is so scary, part of its somwhat exatientialist ish ig but just theres so fucking much,

also best part of that is that the only thing that stops the thoughts and let's me be enjoyably social is drinking, like other people like me more when i do in a way that really isnt even deniable atp which is somthing ?? idk i really dont wanna drink or smoke of take anything anymore because i dont like what it does to me at all and i just really dont wanna but it almost feels like atp i have to just to be able to exist for other people and its fucking horrible

and this is just really only part of it and shit and theres soso much of it its yea,

i also wanna go to sleep rn but im too terrified of nightmares and dreams to be able to at all so i just don't know what to do anymore

#.winter #.vent

[vapour-ofthe-moon]

you guys mind if we rant a bit about the psychs we met? no? k thanks - e

bullet point rant under cut

we put ourselves in a mental ward because the host had such a bad breakdown, venom, our physical protector, had to fight for control of the body so they wouldnt hurt it.

the first on call psych we managed to meet up with was monotonous, uninterested, clearly didnt want to be helping the kid cowering in the corner of the room across from him.

when we woke up in a room the next morning they gave us anti-depressants, told us a psych would be there soon and we waited several hours for her to show up. they didnt even give us anyrhing to do and the rooms didnt have windows plus they were gross.

when she finally showed up she mocked us for our attempts to od when we were younger as well as our thoughts and near attempts as sui when we were a kid

she would not take anything seriously instead focused on making us laugh when she was there, we laughed out of frustration

she at least aknowledged how different our emotions were expressed each time she came in and saw us

she implied the system was just delusional voises in our head

the meds she gave us only made us sick, we no longer take them

they wouldnt let us have our stuffies we brought for comfort let alone let us on our phones for a short time. they let us have our books, some cross word puzzles, a phone call home and only let us out of our rooms to walk up and down the short hall our rooms were locked into

no one took it seriously that we passed the fuck out and got sick because of a lack of fucking sunlight for three fucking days, even though there was a room we could have sat in with a huge window really close by if they didnt want us outside.

when we finally got discharged and spoke to a psych our therapist had recomended he too didnt take our problems with the meds or our system seriously

the only thing we managed to get out of that entire ward expirience was "she has ptsd, bpd and theres domestic abuse going on at home" but screw giving her actual healthy help huh? screw listening to the 19 y/o crying about how nothing changes

the only person who remotely listened to us was our therapist but all she could offer was grounding tricks for our panic attacks and dissociation.

people spend money trying to get help, spend time talking to people who dont know shit about them or their expirience only to be treated like shit.

when we passed out the nurses carried us back to our room so badly it gave us huge pain in our legs all the way till the next day.

i swear something has to be done, everyone needs to be retrained how to handle things, given a sliver of our expirience so they know what its like

SOMETHING

because its just not helping.

im majorly happy for those who get successful help but for so many of us its a nightmare and no one talks about it or just shoves us under a rug.

im tired of this.

its so hard to have people actually listen regardless of whether we research it ourselves before hand or not WHICH WE DID HEAVILY. so hell yeah im all for self diagnosing for several reasons.

"maybe they dont get paid enough" doesnt excuse how they treat us like shit, their pay isnt the patients fault.

"maybe you just didnt go to the right hospital or speak to the right people" you think i have the ability to find the right people or keep checking in at mutliple hospitals in canada till i do? i shouldnt have to switch hospitals and doctors just to find the right person, this isnt speed dating, they should do their job right the first fucking time. its why they happen to be there TO HELP PEOPLE. whether theyre in it for the money or not their job is to fucking help us but they arent doing that.

im so fed up with this shit

#tw caps #tw swearing #tw mental hospital #tw domestic abuse #tw abuse #tw meds mention #tw mental instability #idk what else to tag this as