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williamrikers · 11 months

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On the subject of consent in recent BLs

In this analysis, I will take a look at several love scenes in recent Thai BLs, how they frame consent and the sexual agency of the characters, and why those matter.

(KinnPorsche deserves its own post: I’m sure people have already written in detail about how much emphasis is placed on issues of consent/non-consent throughout the show and how fundamental consent is to the relationship arcs of both KinnPorsche and VegasPete, and I won’t belabor the point here. Also, special shout-out to The Warp Effect for what it brought to the conversation about gay sex, but TWE isn’t technically a BL so I decided not to include it in this analysis.)

I am going to take a closer look at the following shows in this essay: Not Me, The Eclipse, A Boss And A Babe, Step By Step, and La Pluie.

Not Me and The Eclipse predate the other shows by two years/one year respectively, but I feel it is valuable to include them here because both show very explicit negotiations of consent that I feel are spiritual successors to the wonderful scenes we’ve been getting in the other three shows.

Why am I even writing this? There used to be an unfortunate tendency in the genre to have a power imbalance between the “seme” and the “uke” character, which translated into the seme deciding when to have sex and what kind of sex to have—and even though recently, several shows have done good work in dismantling the seme/uke dynamic and questioning the associated stereotypes, it cannot be denied that the archetypes are still an important part of most BLs, and even in cases where the tropes are played with and questioned, understanding those subversions still requires a knowledge of and familiarity with the original tropes on the part of the audience.

However, gone are the days of Until We Meet Again and Dean’s “I’ve waited long enough, make sure you’re ready.” (I enjoyed UWMA a lot but that was. Yeah. Not Great.) Now, we see characters actually talking about and negotiating their limits, and doing what feels good to them.

Let’s start from the very beginning. Not Me was an absolute trailblazer in this regard, and not mentioning it here would be a gross oversight. The first time Sean and White have sex, it happens in their version of the beach episode. (Which, in Not Me, is the two characters briefly living in a tent inside an abandoned building. This show is the best.) Sean and White are removed from their usual environment and protected from the outside world by two barriers: the walls of the old house and the tent that’s literally enveloping them and giving them a space that is unequivocally theirs, shared, in which neither one of the characters has any sort of power over the other. And what happens in that space when they’re about to have sex is extremely interesting: the first thing Sean asks is whether White is afraid of him, which White denies. The following exchange goes like this: White: "So, what are we doing?" Sean: "What should I do to you?" White: "That’s up to you." (Watch the whole scene here.)

I find this exchange incredibly meaningful because this already turns the seme/uke dynamic that can be found in a lot of other shows on its head. OffGun as a branded pair can easily be stereotyped into the seme/uke dynamic just because of their physical appearances, and clearly spelling out that both characters have agency in this scene is incredibly important.

And then it gets better! Sean assumes that White is sexually inexperienced (which is not true but the fact that White was actually in a relationship with a woman back in Russia never comes up again after the pilot episode, so maybe the show expects us to assume this, too), and suggests they try different things and White can tell him what he likes and doesn’t like. Compared to the stuff we’re getting now, this scene isn’t very high heat at all, but it’s one of my favorite intimate scenes ever because them asking each other “Do you like this?” after every kiss, every touch, is so incredibly unique and transports a wonderful sense of figuring out sexual pleasure together, as a couple.

Sex in Not Me is not something one character does to another, it is something that is discovered and shared together, and we even get an afterglow scene in which they gently tease each other about their fast beating hearts. (And don’t get me started on the importance of White choosing to ask Sean whether Sean is okay with White not being like Black in that moment right before they have sex, because he doesn’t actually want to have sex with Sean as Black! He wants to discover and share intimacy with Sean as White, as himself, not as his brother! The layers!)

Anyway, I think that scene paved the way for a lot of the conversations around consent we’re now getting in BL, just because it is so explicitly, unashamedly putting forward a definition of sexuality that has nothing to do with one character actively giving and the other passively receiving, but frames intimacy as something that is built together. (More on giving and receiving later!)

Now, moving on to The Eclipse. I decided to include the first time Akk and Aye have sex for a different reason: while we don’t really see them actually talking about consent, we see them practicing non-verbal consent. Let me explain. Akk’s and Aye’s whole thing is teasing each other. At first, Aye is usually the one doing the teasing, but Akk gets the hang of it towards the end of the show and teases his boyfriend right back. When they’re in Akk’s childhood bedroom together, Aye clearly alludes to the fact that he thought they might use this opportunity to have sex for the first time, which Akk pretends not to understand, all while alluding to it himself. I love this guy. (Watch the whole scene here.) Anyway, Akk says he wants to sleep, lies down and once again, tells Aye jokingly he just wants to sleep, clearly expecting Aye to do what other BL protagonists do at that point and not take no for an answer (sidenote: I HATE the “saying no as foreplay” trope with a passion and as far as I’m concerned it should die already).

However, Aye is not like other BL love interests, and he backs off. He stops touching Akk, lies down with his back to Akk, showing Akk that he takes him by his word: if Akk says he wants to sleep, Aye is going to let him do just that. So now, it’s on Akk to say that, no, that’s not what he meant, can Aye please come back to cuddle. And then Akk is the one to escalate from cuddling to kissing, which is extremely important: we know that Aye has been ready to have sex with Akk since forever, it’s Akk who’s been having hangups about intimacy this whole time.

They don’t put consent into so many words on this show, but Aye shows Akk that he respects his limits and that Akk only has to tell him he doesn’t want to do something and Aye will take him at his word.

So, these are, to me, two foundational scenes of establishing consent: one that shows consent as something that is established verbally, as an ongoing conversation, and one that shows consent as something that is established physically, by showing your partner that you respect their choices and limits by way of simply acting accordingly.

Now, let’s get into the fun part: scenes we got so far in 2023. I’m writing this post on the 13th of June, and I’m sure this year still has some great things in store for us, especially because Step By Step and La Pluie are both ongoing and neither of the main couples are actually together yet at time of writing. However, they’ve both already given us AMAZING scenes on the topic of consent, so I feel it is worthwhile to write about those already.

I want to start off by talking about A Boss And A Babe.

Let me just preface this by saying that the intimate scenes in ABAAB are some of my all time favorites in BL ever, because in them, sex is something that is just so normal. When Gun and Cher have sex, we don’t see them very passionate, excited, reluctant or wide-eyed innocent (which are some of the emotions traditionally associated with sex in BL). On the contrary, in every single scene that shows them being intimate, both characters are incredibly calm. They’re certainly happy to be with each other, but in a subdued way. Someone described their second intimate scene as them seeming like they’ve been married for a few years. They’re both just… incredibly normal about having sex with each other. It’s simply something they like to do together. It’s a part of their romance but it’s not more or less important than any other aspects of their lives.

And consent is at the very heart of it.

When Gun and Cher have their first time, we see Gun explicitly asking for consent two times: first, “Can I kiss you?”, then, “Can I do more?” The second one even comes with the promise that if Cher says no, Gun will immediately go to sleep without mentioning it again. And then it is on Cher to say yes, to pull Gun close and kiss him to show him that he is comfortable with taking things further. (In the show, these two questions were shown apart from each other, I cut together a version of the whole First Time Scene in its entirety, watch it here.)

Now, things get more interesting: the second intimate scene shows Cher initiating the encounter (watch the whole scene here). Cher pretty consistently falls into the uke category, both physically and as far as characterization is concerned, but he’s certainly not shy in the bedroom. And this time, he’s the one who asks for consent from Gun: Gun asks “You’re starting it?” and Cher’s response is “Can I?” Despite him being framed physically lower than Gun, basically at Gun’s mercy, he still seeks confirmation that Gun is okay with the way things are going. Not to overstate it, but to me, this feels revolutionary. Once again, we’re being shown that sex is something two people do together, as a shared activity, and that the “seme” character isn’t expected to just be up for it. He, too, has the right to say no.

On this show, sexual agency is taken extremely seriously, and it is clear that both Gun and Cher give each other space to decide what they’re comfortable doing. This is shown in non-intimate scenes as well: there are so many moments on ABAAB in which the characters negotiate physical touch and closeness, asking each other for hugs before actually hugging each other, Cher leaning on Gun’s shoulder in the car but not allowing Gun to touch him because that’s not what he’s comfortable with in that moment, and so on. (The only exception to this otherwise pretty consistent rule is the kiss in the car scene, which I’m still extremely confused about because it seems to go completely against Gun’s character. Who knows what happened there.)

Of course, the fact that so much emphasis is placed on negotiation and consent isn’t surprising on a show that has such obvious kink undertones and whose Our Skyy 2 entry basically consisted entirely of Dom/sub roleplay at work—I’m just saying, I think someone on the writing team is way into BDSM and knows all about the importance of enthusiastic consent from all parties involved, and I would like to send them flowers.

Step By Step hasn’t really reached the point where we can analyse the dynamic between the main couple (although we can take some educated guesses based on the interactions we’ve seen so far). However, last week’s episode had an extremely important scene between Pat and Put: Pat wanting to have sex with Put, then changing his mind mid make-out (watch the whole scene here). I really like the way this scene was done. No matter how shitty Put treats Pat at times, in this instance, he immediately understood and respected Pat’s change of mind without Pat even saying or explaining anything—at the end of the episode, Put says to Pat that Pat should tell Put when he feels ready to have sex. (We already know this will never happen because of course, Pat and Put are not endgame, but I do appreciate the sentiment.)

BLs rarely include a whole storyline in which the protagonist is in an actual, serious romantic relationship with someone other than his endgame love interest (hi Moonlight Chicken!), or if they do then just to up the angst factor. In this case, however, I feel that this scene raises our expectations for Jeng even further: if the guy who is definitely not a romantic match for Pat treats Pat with this much respect in the bedroom, then Jeng has to do at least that and then some. I do feel confident that Jeng won’t disappoint in this regard, but it’s fascinating to see a show frame this kind of respect as the absolute baseline minimum, with the endgame love interest expected to do even better.

Now, the one you’ve all been waiting for. The one that made me write this whole essay in the first place: La Pluie.

Oh boy. Where to start.

A week ago, we got an incredible make-out scene on Saengtai’s floor, which ended in Patts stopping the encounter because he could tell Tai wasn’t really comfortable taking things further—@bengiyo talked about that scene in detail here. And then, three days ago, La Pluie gave us the most unique, trope-defying, timeline-changing blowjob scene of all time, and I want to talk about it.

Tai and Patts are making out on their bed, Tai is not ready to go “all the way” and stops Patts from undressing him. We see a very realistic frustrated reaction from Patts, who nevertheless immediately stops and accepts Tai’s wishes—it is clear that Patts does not expect things to go any further at this point, and that he won’t pressure Tai into anything.

And then, Tai offers to blow him.

(Unfortunately, this show is only on iQiyi so I can't link to it, but you can get a good impression of the scene here.)

I mentioned the concepts of giving and receiving earlier: other people have said this more eloquently than me, but there is a tendency not only in BL but also in wider society to view sex in terms of giving and receiving, with a lot of expectations and stereotypes attached to the roles during different sexual acts. On other shows, that blowjob might be framed as a consolidation or an apology, something that the giver does out of a sense of obligation without enjoying it much. Not so on La Pluie! Tai is shown incredibly happy and satisfied afterwards, both when they’re sleeping next to each other, as well as on the morning after (see also @ginnymoonbeam's post about that here). Tai offered to blow Patts because he simply wanted to, not motivated by guilt or anything of that sort. And he genuinely enjoyed it! In the post I linked above, @bengiyo points out that La Pluie consistently centers queer desire, or more specifically in this case, male desire for a male body; much in the same way that the camera fucking loves Force’s body on ABAAB: the sensuality of the skin, the hands, the abs, the flat chests, the broad backs and shoulders of these men is explicitly emphasized, and Tai’s desire for a dick in his mouth is made absolutely crystal-clear. Of course, since this is a TV show and not a porno, we only see Patts’s thumb in Tai’s mouth instead of his dick, but the imagery, the implications, are clear as day.

And it is such a gentle framing, too: Patts caresses Tai’s lip lovingly, Tai opens his mouth slowly, seductively, then faces Patts’s crotch with a soft look on his face. We do get a clear sense of this encounter as tender, and gentle, and most of all, desired. Tai’s queer desire is at the heart of this scene, and at the heart of the afterglow scene as well. He wanted this man’s dick in his mouth, openly suggested it, showed Patts he was sure about his decision after Patts asked him whether he was, and ended up clearly happy and satisfied with the sex they had. This post, also by @bengiyo, goes into more detail on that.

This, once again, shows us sex as a conversation rather than a series of predetermined acts, shows us sex as a shared activity, as something that can be wonderful and intimate and make people happy without following what society views as “the correct steps”. I think this is extremely important because one part of queer identity is figuring out one’s own relationship to sexuality, one’s own desires and needs, and BLs that ignore this aspect fall a little short in my opinion. Sure, those men are kissing, but do they experience queer desire? Do they experience joy in their queer desire?

For me personally, a show that does not shy away from these questions is a lot more meaningful than a show that does, and consent is at the heart of it all. By framing sex as a conversation, as something that is built and shared together, the shows I looked at here are actively positioning themselves against the idea that there should be predetermined roles for partners during sex, and instead suggest that queer joy can be found in communication and consent. Understanding sex and intimacy as something that is built together, with both partners as equals in conversation, is just as radically queer as a man waking up with a smile on his face after giving his soulmate a blowjob the previous night.

And quite honestly, a male character who clearly, passionately, unquestioningly communicates that he wants a dick inside of him—that is incredibly sexy. But maybe that’s just me.

#*mine #not me the series #the eclipse #the eclipse the series #a boss and a babe #step by step #step by step the series #la pluie #la pluie the series #i said ''is anyone going to write a 3k meta analysis on this topic'' then didn't wait for an answer

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satanic-foxhole-court · 15 days

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(Full TSC spoilers, as in to the end of the book) The contrast of Jeremy’s biggest concern is caring for his team, making sure his queer inner circle are healthy, okay, having fun and passing classes vs. Jeans biggest concern is the literal mafia debt, serious major trauma, PTSD and learning how to live again is just perfect.

It shows really beautifully in Jeremy’s approach to helping Jean. Jeremy seeks to know, to get Jean to open up and admit what happened. And hey it eventually works. But in comparison that never happened with Neil. The foxes knew to not pry and because Neil was able to integrate into the foxes without being an issue like Andrew is that was okay. There was more concessions, understanding and leaving things be.

I do wish for many reasons Jean stayed with the foxes if only because they fundamentally get it. But at the same time no it wouldn’t work, they’re pack bonded and Jean sees them as something he can’t be apart of.

A quote that stuck with me:

“That’s not fair,” Jeremy said, and when Jean opened his mouth to argue, added, “to you or us. For someone who seems so sure of what he deserves, you don’t seem to give any thought to what anyone else does. You’re forcing us to hurt you without giving us any say in the matter.”

And yeah that’s why it’s important to shove Jean more than one might with Neil or Andrew. Andrew is violently firm with his boundaries, Neil says he’s fine when he’s not but he can cope under high stress environments and has worked on accepting help. Even if that help is calling Andrew, running and exercise (fun fact exercise is a great ptsd trigger management tactic, peak the anxiety to bring it down through physical activity).

Jean doesn’t have boundaries, will not speak up at any point when something upsets him, puts himself in harms way constantly because he doesn’t have any self worth. Understandable given what he’s been through. And for Jeremy to feel he can help he seeks to know to understand - which isnt helpful! And that’s acknowledged at the end of the book!!! (Nora I love you)

Jeremy wants to put it into context, he wants so desperately to be told what’s going on, why Jean has this reactions, that it’s important to talk. But for someone who’s learned to stop biting back, to be quiet to have no harm come to them? That’s not going to happen easily. Jean does give ground and I really appreciate seeing him set boundaries too gosh. Him saying what he will and will not talk about, reaffirming that again and again throughout the book is perfect. And for Jeremy, Cat and Lalia to respect those boundaries too, or mostly. There are points when I think they shove a bit much but this book isn’t about perfect responses. It’s a queer household taking in an extremely traumatised person and learning how to support him while he learns how to exist.

Oh and also the power imbalance that exists accidentally by Jean not having context for what Jeremy, Cat and Lalia have been through too! He’s picked up there’s something but he’s always the one being pushed to talk about things, but he knows it’s not appropriate to pry about those things with them. It’s neat.

The coaches responses are interesting too. From the shoving Jean towards the water (I wanted to punch them omg /lh), to civil conversations, to showing Jean a Raven thing and just not understanding his response.

It’s nice to see how much the Trojan’s don’t understand, they don’t know how to respond, they have no idea what’s sensitive and what’s not. We love the foxes for how understanding they are and seeing a contrast of a privileged team is awesome to see.

I’m excited to see Jean and Bee’s sessions. Adore the book and Jean’s unhinged out of pocket self<3

#satanic speaks #tsc #the sunshine court #tsc spoilers

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dyketrewho · 2 years

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Rose Tyler running away with the Doctor makes perfect sense.

And I don’t blame Jackie or Mickey for being upset! But when we look closely at the events of the episode Rose, it’s so obvious why she decided to run away.

But let’s start with where she’s at in life. Rose left her schooling and never finished A levels because of a man, Jimmy Stone, who’s implied to be an older man (there’s more conclusive information in other media, but I’m just using the material in Doctor Who itself), and is no longer with him. This makes sense, she was a teenager and got together and gave up her schooling for an older man who probably didn’t want to be with her long term, but that limits her options a lot.

She’s together with Mickey, who happens to also be a good bit older than her. As written in canon, Rose is 19 at the start of Doctor Who and Mickey is 24. When she was together with Jimmy Stone, Mickey was already done with secondary school and likely working. This doesn’t mean their relationship necessarily isn’t healthy, but it’s not a good place to start. Especially given her history of relationships with older men.

Then there’s Jackie. And don’t get me wrong, Jackie Tyler loves her daughter more than anything. But Jackie doesn’t exactly listen to Rose. She ignores and talks over her, and talks down to her quite a bit.

A good moment to look at to see Rose’s dissatisfaction with her life, there’s the scene of her and smooth Mickey (hereon referred to as Smickey) at dinner together. The conversation starts with her talking about options for her future. She could go back to school, find a new job somewhere, lots of options. At this point, she’s not thinking at all about her initial meeting with the Doctor! In fact, she’s kind of pointedly ignoring it as something weird as fuck and interested in just moving on with her life. She isn’t instantly in run away with this strange man mode, she’s trying to figure out her life from here on out. Then, Smickey brings him up. Rose’s response is: “Oh, sorry, were we talking about me for a minute?” Given the relationships she has around her and in her past, this says a lot. Rose isn’t listened to; Jackie loves her, but doesn’t seem like the type to listen to her a lot. Mickey likes dating her and she’s very close with him, but her reaction is to get defensive when he changes the subject. It implies she doesn’t get to talk about herself much, and that she doesn’t expect to be asked either.

So this is the environment the Doctor meets Rose in. Rose is 19, lost her stable job, doesn’t have someone who listens to her, and doesn’t have any equal relationship in her life. Her boyfriend is older, her mother is her mother, and she’s just lost one of her most grounding things.

Then Rose meets the Doctor. He saves her life, which definitely wins points, but afterwards when she pushes, he answers her. He resists her, sure, but when she really asks about what’s going on, he tells her. Straight up tells her the information and that her life is in danger and why she can’t go to anyone about it. And then — crucially — asks her if she’s okay. He not only tells her important information, he checks in about her feelings! He doesn’t perfectly continue this trend, but she’s being consulted about what’s going on.

He saves her life again from Smickey at dinner, and she runs off with him, and he’s trying to figure out what to do, and she contributes. She helps him figure out the transmitter issue. She saves his life in turn in the end by defeating the Nestene Consciousness, but when she points this out, the Doctor thanks her! He genuinely acknowledges her contribution as an equal even if he started smug about the whole thing.

So Rose, 19, feeling like she’s never listened to, meets an alien with a magic travel machine who listens to her and acknowledges her contributions. Not to mention he’s handsome.

Is it any wonder she ran away?

#rose tyler #doctor who #doctor who meta #rose tyler meta #the doctor #ninth doctor #ninerose #tenth doctor #mickey smith #jackie tyler #docrose #tenrose #tardis.txt

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thefightinfoggy · 1 year

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Ok I literally can’t stop thinking about this so here’s a post with all my swirling thoughts about it:

But first, context:

@apelcini made this incredible post about a cowboy and samurai comic where both are gay and participate in their respective gay social circles of the time, with the important thing being the historically accurate queer history and it’s just them hanging out and interacting and being like “huh?” when it comes to the others’ interpretation of queer social etiquette. (I love this post so much this is what my years of studying have all been leading up to). (I’ve also only done research on queer history in Japan, so this is going to be pretty samurai-biased, but I have to get these thoughts done so here I go):

Our titular samurai would have been raised having never seen/or participated in any real battle ,or violence for that matter. I’m thinking like his family used to work for a specific daimyo (lord) and that guy got in debt with merchants (a thing that happened frequently) and so the samurai’s family is kinda out of a job (not that they really had one to begin with). He has grown up in samurai culture as a romanticized concept, idealizing the golden days of samurai in the past (a culture that can only exist in fiction, as the Tokugawa government banned a lot of aspects of samurai culture while trying to make an era of peace). So what would our samurai do to make cash??

He writes!!! A lot of samurai became both patrons of the arts and creators during the Edo period (1600-1868), and I like the idea of this guy from a samurai family writing erotic male love samurai fiction and being a popular author. In order to do this, he would have to be an urban guy, so probably living in either Edo (modern day Tokyo) or Kyoto, (maybe Osaka). And if we want him to be knowledgeable of shudō culture (the culture of male-male sexuality, basically men having intimate/sexual relationships with other men), he’s gotta be THE gentleman. This guy had so much pull: he had the most fashionable outfits, knew his art, and was a big fan of the theatre. He gave the best gifts to his favorite (wink wink) kabuki actors and had the best conversations with them. He was soft where the idealized samurai is rough, and this is what made him an expert of shudō. (He can’t be the rugged rough samurai and get it because that was seen as uncultured and boorish; samurai culture in practice wasn’t really liked and tended to be very off-putting).

But somehow he makes his way to the Wild West, where everything is different. All he had is his knowledge of shudō culture and his sword (maybe two but idk). And he’s now in an environment where he COULD live out his wild samurai fantasies. He COULD be the rugged masculine samurai of the sengoku period, who shows his love through violence and self-sacrifice and undying loyalty (truly a romanticized idea of samurai culture). And he meets this cowboy who doesn’t know a thing about shudō culture. And the samurai thinks about the two options he has:

He can give this guy knowledge about actual shudō culture in practice, OR, he can live out his fantasies. And so the samurai says these outlandishly dramatic and violent things to the cowboy, and plays the role of THE SAMURAI while in the Wild West. And the cowboy is just so confused, because when the samurai does try to woo some guys, he’s completely different. Gone is the rugged warrior, taking his place a flirtatious man-about-town who gently relays poem after poem to the traveling actors (someone with more knowledge of theater in the Wild West will have to inform me on what it was like).

The basis of this is the samurai is actually a writer just straight up lying to the cowboy and living out his wildest fantasies in a place that isn’t stifled by centuries of a dying samurai. And his version of THE SAMURAI is also an inaccurate one. Misunderstandings ensue.

#queer history #queer historical fiction #my brain couldn’t stop thinking about this premise #I just wrote my undergrad capstone about masculinity and shudō culture in Edo period Japan #so this knowledge is fresh in my mind #also feel free to ask about sources if you’re interested I have so much to rec

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hollowknightinsanity · 5 months

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baby. fuck you

[Image ID: A black sketch of an infant bug, curled up on the ground with its eyes closed, drawn on a dull pink background. There is an arrow pointing at the child’s head with text that says, “Full of leaf”. /End ID]

This is Somber, the newborn child of Holly and my self-insert, who i still haven’t made.

Said self-insert is a silkworm moth, and I’m thinking of making him half-wyrm, but I’m not sure if I’ll actually do that

Anyway, logistics and uh. Lore ig? Under the cut

Ok, so. In my AUs, Holly (THK) is a hybrid between a Rootkin (White Lady’s species) and a Wyrm (Pale King’s species). Rootkin are strictly an egg-laying species, but Wyrms are capable of both laying eggs and giving live birth — it mostly depends on the environment/subspecies the Wyrm belongs to.

PK is part of the subspecies that gives live birth, but using his Soul magic, he’s capable of fertilizing eggs from laying species, such as Rootkin and Weavers, hence Hornet and the Vessels.

Holly takes after their mother — this is true across all my AUs — and as such, they adopted her reproductive system, so they lay eggs.

They had a condition that caused them to begin producing and laying eggs early, and started laying when they were 14. Now, this sucked for them in various ways; for one, early egg production and laying is very painful, and considering the state of their (mostly missing) organs, their pain was amplified tenfold when they started.

Secondly, if their parents found their eggs, they would immediately be outed as impure, and they did not want that. At the time, they thought that if they were outed, their parents would literally kill them — which isn’t true, by the way, but they had no way of knowing that — so they kept it a secret.

Initially, Holly attempted to just hide the eggs, but after a while, they started worrying about the hiding place being found, so they began destroying the eggs instead.

They laid once every two months, and every egg they laid was broken and thrown out. What exactly they did I’m unsure of, but I feel like they’d crack the eggs into some type of disposal area they made/found, and crush the shells into dust.

Anyway, they destroyed all the eggs they laid, except for one.

When they were 16, about a week before their sealing, they started thinking. They thought maybe, if they did get out alive, if they did escape the Black Egg, then maybe they could have a family. Keep the Pale King’s legacy going. They knew he was poisoned with Void and destined to die, so they thought that maybe if they survived, they could keep Hallownest alive by birthing an heir.

So, they took the last egg, and made a nest in the Queen’s Gardens, where they decided they would hide it, and they placed two Seals of Binding on it to protect it in case the nest were found by the Mantis Traitors.

The egg and nest were very well hidden, though, so nobody ever found it. Holly was sealed, and that was that.

Decades later, after escaping the Black Egg (which they heavily doubted they would, but hey, a bug can hope), they and my self-insert (who I’ll just call K here, I’m still trying to figure out a name for him) met and started a QPR. They ended up getting very close in their relationship, and Holly decided to carry out their plan from when they were 16. Though, instead of wanting to continue Hallownest as a kingdom, they just wanted a family.

At some point, after Holly gets quote-unquote “outed” to PK about their impurity (he knew since they were 10, but they didn’t know that), they ask K to come with them to the Gardens, as they had something important they wanted to speak to him about in private.

Some conversation happens, and Holly shows him the nest and tells him that they want to start a family. Because I need to be super self-indulgent when it comes to my writing sometimes, he of course agrees, and the 60-year-old binding-protected egg is fertilized, and later hatches into the itty bitty baby in the sketch, who Holly named Somber.

Google’s definition of somber is “oppressively solemn or sober in mood; grave,” and I believe that would fit the AU perfectly, so the child is named Somber.

For an in-universe explanation for the name, Holly would name their child after themself, I think. According to Google, a similar word to somber is solemn, which could mean either “not cheerful or smiling; serious” or “characterized by deep sincerity,” which both fit their life to a T.

As for when exactly this takes place, all I’m sure of is it happens after they out themself to PK. Maybe it’s somewhere around the same time the rain oneshot happens, or maybe a bit before or after — I’m not sure. It’s just around that timeframe.

Anyway thank you for coming to my ted talk, I will now sink into the fuckin. Swamps of Sadness from The Neverending Story.

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kaigarax · 2 months

Text

Exactly As I Am

Narushima Melt x Reader

Quote: "Fall in love with someone compassionate." & "Fall in love with someone you'll love forever."

Someone You Loved

Narushima Melt wasn’t quite sure why he was here.

He was a stranger to the bride and barely even knew the groom. They’d had… three (maybe four) conversations? Maybe the groom was actually a loner that didn’t know how to make friends and needed to fill the roster? Or perhaps they wanted famous people here and Melt happened to fall into that position after his latest role?

Probably not.

Most of the people here were probably either related to either bride and groom or a business partner of some sort. Perhaps even both. None of them were very recognizable to Melt - though he did get recognized by a few people. Even asked for his autograph at one point which was a total ego stroke.

The wedding venue was nice.

Very nice.

And very expensive.

His manager had asked him to dress in his nicest of suits. A dark blue top and black pants. You’d alway thought that he looked better in blue and white (something about it bringing out his eyes better) but white gets dirty so easily and Melt didn’t want to have to walk around checking every seat before sitting down. Besides, he looked good in black too.

Speaking of you, Melt was a little surprised to see that you’d been invited here as well. Well maybe not considering that you’d been asked to come here as a photographer. What’s more surprising is that they managed to get you to take photos of them at all. His own company had to book months in advance when they scheduled you to take photos of him and even then they hadn’t been sure if you’d make it or not.

You either must have been getting paid real well or someone important to you was chasing in a big favour. Melt wonders if you’d ever do a big favour like this for him.

He spots you from across the room despite your clothes seeming to blend into the environment as you walk around taking photos of all the different guests.

You’re dressed nicely. Well nicer than what you usually wear - and you actually look rather pretty today. Well, you always look pretty but today you stand out compared to most of the other girls here.

So, of course, Melt easily makes his way across the room to you, convincing you to let him sit beside you at your table sequestered in the back of the room. Makes sense. Out of the way and convenient access if someone wanted to talk to you about something.

There’s a tall dark haired man, The Hero Melt thinks, stands out against the light sheets of the table. He looks to be around Melt’s age if not a little older. Definitely older than when you must have taken his photos.

Sitting across from the dark haired man is the Chef. A short dirty blonde hair guy. Truthfully, Melt isn’t all too sure why he’s called the Chef - none of his photos have to do with cooking - but perhaps it’s just another one of your practical jokes.

His own title, The Pilot, is an inside joke taken a little too far. Not just were all the photos you took of him when he’d been posing in the cockpit of an airplane but because you liked to tease him about all his failed television shows. All of which failed after releasing the Pilot.

“Ah, unrequited love.” You say, as you take a seat at the table in the back of the room.

Melt takes a seat beside you, frowning slightly.

You always were such a weird one. Speaking out randomly about whatever happened to be on your mind. It was probably the most memorable thing about you though. It’s how his first conversation with you occurred back when you first started taking photos of him.

The Hero and the Chef both look to Melt as he takes a seat beside you. Both of their expressions are calm and neutral - the Hero’s slightly more playful than that of the Chef’s. Melt turns his own attention to you.

“Who?” Asks Melt.

You point to a boy with pink hair sitting on the other side of the room with his friends.

From Melt’s perspective there doesn’t seem to be anything all that special about the pink haired boy. He’s good looking but nothing jaw dropping. More cute than handsome. Young. Or at least younger than Melt.

Though, Melt would admit, he does recognize the look on the boy’s face. It reminds him of himself when he thinks about-

Okay maybe he’s not ready to admit something like that yet. But he will say that he knows for a fact that your assessment is right. It usually is when it comes to things like this.

“Who’s he in love with?” The Chef asks, leaning towards you.

You smile teasingly, “guess.”

The Hero leans towards you too which causes a frown to form on Melt's face, “the brown haired girl?”

“The blonde girl?” Suggest the Chef.

Amatures. Melt isn’t even all too sure what you saw in either of these two. They’re just like everyone else. Nothing that screams brilliant. Though Melt has never been the best at determining another person’s worth. It wasn’t something that should have been valued unless they planned on going into an occupation like his own anyways.

Melt’s eyes scan over the various people before a smile forms on his face, “the girl with the golden eyes.”

Your own eyes light up at that, “oh, and what makes you think that?”

“A gut feeling,” Melt shugs, “I guess.”

You shake your head as if soldering a young child, “I expected better of you, Mr. Airplane.”

Of course you’d use that nickname. Melt has to fight the urge to roll his eyes.

“Mr. Airplane?” The Chef asks, saying the nickname tentatively.

He doesn’t fight it very hard, “just a silly nickname.”

Though admittedly, that might have to do with the annoyance already building up in his stomach as he watches the Hero and Chef cozy up to you. He understands that you’re close to them but do you really have to be that close to them?

Melt supposes he should have done more research into your relationship with the other Muses.

Well, too late to cry over spilled milk.

He’d get to the task at a later point in time.

The Hero laughs, “it suits you, being the Pilot and all.”

You laugh along with the Hero, “ah yes, the Pilot.”

Melt has trouble fighting the blush on his cheeks at the sound of your laughter, “you’re such a brat.” He’s always had trouble with keeping up his cool persona around you.

“At least I don’t rely on gut feelings to know when someone’s in love.” You say back.

As if that’s something to write home about.

“How do you know when someone’s in love, (Y/n)?” The Chef asks, saying your name so softly and sweetly that Melt almost needs to barf.

“Well,” you (in all your wisdom and glory) begin, “I would recommend years of observation - as experience is the most sure way of figuring this kind of thing out - but I’ll give you guys the sparknotes. To know if someone’s in love you just have to follow their gaze.”

“Why?” Asked the Hero.

And you smile sweetly in response, “because the gaze never lies.”

The gaze never lies? Melt supposes that might be true. You always were more insightful than everyone else so maybe he should give this some consideration.

People did have a tendency to look at things they liked. Melt was looking at you right now. But the statement is quite the ambitious one to make. One that seemingly seeks to encapsulate all of the human race into a single sentence about love. What about people that look away when they’re in love? Are you saying they don’t exist at all? Is it something that people just can’t help doing?

When the thought proves to be too annoying, Melt quickly disgards it.

No need to ponder about something as complicated as that if Melt won’t be able to come up with a proper answer.

“Do any of you ever plan on getting married?” You ask. Melt presumes the question comes because of their present location.

Melt shrugs, “eventually.”

“Eventually?” You ask, repeating Melt slowly and playfully.

“Well, obviously whoever I get married to is going to have to be okay with being in the public light. Constantly being harassed by the paparazzi whether they’re famous or not just because they’re associated with me. I don’t plan on getting married until I’m ready to settle down in my acting career.” Explained Melt.

“Very mature of you.” You tease.

Usually this is where Melt would stop, but your teasing seems to egg him on which causes him to say, “besides, actors and models are more popular when they’re single anyways.”

You sigh, “and he drops the ball.”

Melt pouts in response.

You can be so mean to him sometimes - but that’s why Melt likes you more than everyone else. You don’t do it with malice intent but because you want him to be better. And you don’t baby him like how others do either. You tell him when he’s in the wrong and what you think he could be doing better. You make him better.

“What about you, Viking boy?” You ask, turning to look at the Chef, “you are the oldest of us four. You plan on getting hitched anytime soon?”

Viking boy?

The Chef was proving to be weirder and weirder.

The Chef scratches the back of his neck sheepishly, “I guess I never thought much about it.”

You get a thoughtful look in your eyes as you respond, “any girl would be lucky to have you. Or guy, if that’s what you’re into.”

“Well I-”

The blushing Chef is cut off with a playful pat on the back from the Hero, “come on, Sweets, don’t tease him.”

Sweets?

“And what about you, Cellophane?” You shoot back.

Cellophane?

Were you really close enough with The Chef and Hero that you had given them nicknames? So close that they were able to refer to you as something like ‘Sweets?’ Melt isn’t sure if he likes the way his stomach tosses and turns. If you were going to let a dude call you something like Sweets then who was Melt to judge?

The Hero clears his throat, attempting to be coy, “what about me?”

“Any special someone in your life?” You asked.

“Na,” the Hero shakes his head, “it’s a bachelor’s life for me.”

For someone smiling, Melt thinks that the Hero looks awfully sad. It’s an expression he had never been all too familiar with but wanted to master. He wonders if it would be weird for him to suddenly pull out a camera and capture the expression of the Hero. it would definitely be invasive but Melt imagines it’s something that you would do if it interested you enough.

Melt obviously doesn’t stop and pull out a camera (because he’s a normal person) but he does wonder.

“Well no shame,” you say, “not everyone in this world gets married.”

“And what about you, Sweets?” Asked the Hero.

“Marriage,” you say the word as if tentatively tasting it for the first time, “what do you think?”

Marriage.

Melt’s heart does a weird kind of thing when he thinks of you married. It’s not that fluttering feeling romantic writers always talk about. It’s kinda sad to drop off his chest as he imagines you as a bride. Perhaps he gets such a sad feeling because he knows you’d never marry someone like him - and he’d never get to marry someone like you. Imagines you’d end up with someone older. Someone nicer to you than he was.

Annoyed with his own thoughts, Melt attempts to distract himself with something else. His eyes wandering the room and landing back on the pink haired boy from before.

Ah, how much simpler life would be if he had been someone like the pink haired boy. How easy it would have been to look at the girl he likes and confess his feelings. How simple it would have been to have just taken the golden eyed girl’s hands and express his feelings in a dramatic fashion that would make even the most reserved of folks blush.

Eventually, Melt’s gaze lands on an orange haired boy that the golden eyed girl keeps looking at.

If the gaze never lies then it appears this girl too seems to hold an unrequited love. Ah what a funny situation the trio seem to have found themselves in. Though Melt isn’t really in a position to say something like that.

He looked back at the pink haired boy.

Then, Melt turns to look at you, “what makes you think he has an unrequited love, (Y/n)?”

“Don’t think, Mr. Airplane.” You say, your voice so certain and sure, “I know.”

“Oh do you now?’ The Hero adds, his own voice coated with a teasing lit.

“Of course,” you say with seemingly a boundless amount of wisdom and a smile that sends Melt’s heart into a pathetic flutter, “I know people’s hearts. Why else would my works be so popular?”

If Melt could smile like that he bet he’d be able to have any role he wanted.

Bets that you can get any heart you want.

“Because you’re good at taking photos?” The Chef suggests, his voice ever so polite and reserved.

The Hero laughs, once again, at the Chef’s words, patting him playfully on the back, “I like you. You’re so straightforward! Not like this little missy here.”

You pout, “hey!”

Melt feels a smile pull at his lips as he watches you, “people like your photos because you pick such good looking Muses.”

You smile in agreement, “very true! The muses I pick have excellent hearts.”

An excellent heart? Melt doubts that. Almost everything he’s done in his life has been for and because of himself. Everyone in the idol industry did things purely for their own gain - whether that be for financial or fame. He doubts that anyone, other than yourself, would refer to him as someone with an ‘excellent heart’. It’s almost enough to make him laugh.

“Hey,” the Hero points out, “you never answered the question, Sweets.”

Sweets.

“I haven’t,” you hum playfully, “have I?”

Melt’s full on grinning as he looks to the Hero, “this is what you mean, ain’t it? She hates answering questions directly.”

“Hey,” you frown, “you’re ganging up on me.”

“That’s because you make it too easy.” Replied the Hero.

The Chef, being the ever sweet man he is, smiles softly, “it’s okay, (Y/n). You don’t have to tell us anything you don’t want to.”

Melt thinks that the Chef is someone you’d end up marrying. Someone to indulge in your playful behaviour. Someone to treat you softly and gently like how you deserve. Someone that understands both their own emotions and yours. Not someone like Melt that jumps into situations without thinking. Someone so driven by their own emotions and unaware of the feelings of others.

As much as Melt hates to admit it (and be sure he absolutely loathes it) the Chef is someone much better suited for you than he is.

The Hero playfully scolds the Chef, “you’re too easy on her.”

Melt nods, “a total simp.”

“The two of you could learn a thing or two from him,” you say, rolling your eyes but smiling warmly.

“Doubt it, Sweets.” Replies the Hero, rubbing your head softly.

Perhaps you’d do better with someone like the Hero. Someone that plays off your attitude well. Someone to keep you on your toes and push you back a little. Someone that clearly shows his affection for you.

You grab the Hero’s hand, “love is such a mysterious thing.”

Melt raises a brow but follows your gaze.

The bride and groom seem to have taken to the dance floor, spinning around and laughing beautifully. Melt doesn’t think he’s seen the groom that happy before. Sure, he may have only seen him… three times before but he knows for a fact that he didn’t think he was able to make such a warm and loving sick expression.

It’s almost as annoying as it is cute.

Melt hopes that one day he might be able to find someone that he can dance on a floor like that with. With reckless abandon of the tune and melody simply because you can.

The Chef clears his throat, “I thought you said that love was a well understood thing?”

“I did?” You asked.

Melt nods, “yes.”

“You sure?”

The Hero nods, “very~”

“When?”

Melt rolls his eyes, “during my exhibit.”

“Oh,” you laugh softly, “I guess I have.”

Melt leans over towards you, gently flicking your forehead much like how you used to do when the two of you would film and Melt would say something snippy. The gesture seems to hold just as much warmth to you as it does to him as you smile brightly in response. Melt hates that you’re able to smile so warmly when you look at him because his heart has begun to thump erratically in his chest once again.

“Perhaps I should say fate is such a mysterious thing.” You suggested.

Fate.

Melt has always been a big believer of Fate - almost to the point of being called hopeless. Maybe it was because he didn’t like the idea of everything being in his own hands. Made the world seem much… bigger. Pinning everything on this idea of a greater force no one can control just made the world seem so much more manageable.

“Do you think they’re each other’s first love?” The Hero asks as his gaze is once again captured by the married couple.

“No.” Melt mumbles.

At the same time he hears the Chef proclaim a bright, “yes.”

The bride, while clearly in love, doesn’t look the same way that most people do when they’re in love for the first time. There seems to be history in her eyes. Something similar to what’s in your eyes. The eyes of someone that has seen something. What exactly, Melt isn’t too sure but he does know that it has to be something.

“She’s his first love.” You said.

The Hero leans towards you, “hm?”

“It’s the way he looks at her. You always look at your first love differently from everyone else. There’s a certain kind of softness in his eyes.” You explained.

“It’s too bad his best man doesn’t seem to like her very much.” Says the Chef, his voice thoughtful and considerate.

You tilt your head to the side, curiously, “what makes you say that?”

“Because he’s sitting so stiffly.” Explained the Chef, pointing out the best man.

The Hero shrugs thoughtfully, “he does seem rather annoyed.”

Melt look over to the best man. There’s a certain look in his eyes that reminds Melt of himself as he watches the dancing newly weds. Melt isn’t sure if feels sympathy or annoyance towards the best man for allowing himself to get into such a situation, “I get that impression too.”

Your eyes land on Melt, a bright look, “Elaborate.”

“I guess it has something to do with the way he acts around her. It’s like he’s stepping on eggshells.” Says Melt despite not seeing the best man interact with the bride at all. It feels more like an assessment of his own reaction than the best man’s. But he’d never admit that - especially to you.

“He could just be shy,” suggested the Chef.

The Hero takes the opposite approach, “or maybe he doesn’t like her and is upset the groom is marrying someone he doesn’t like?”

You say exactly what Melt hadn’t wanted to hear most, “he’s in love with her.”

“And what makes you say that?” Asks Melt, hoping you don’t hear the shakiness in his voice.

“Follow his gaze.”

Fall in love with someone compassionate.

---

Exactly As I Am

My Dearest,

I used to think that I would want the person I loved to love me in return. That I would want them to remember my name. I’ve found that simply getting to know you is enough for me.

Yours Truly

---

“Don’t you think purple hair is kinda tacky?” You ask, tilting your head to the side playfully, a teasing look in your eyes. Your taunt is childish at best and downright cruel at worst but Narushima Melt does his best to try and take it in stride. He knows you’re doing it on purpose because you want to see if he’ll lose his cool.

That you’ll push and prod him because you can.

Anyone else would have either been ignored or promptly escorted away from Melt’s sight. Why should he have to sit there and listen to someone make fun of him, much less a photographer meant to be taking photos of him.

Melt frowns ever so slightly, “it’s not the hair colour I picked.”

You’re lucky you’re not just anyone.

A renowned photographer known for shooting her Muses up into fame faster than a rocket gets shot up into space. If Melt plays his cards correctly he might even manage to score a role in the upcoming movie with that Director you took photos of a few years ago. All he has to do is make it through a few more of the excruciatingly long photo sessions with you (they’re not actually that long) and he’ll be set. Or at least that’s what his manager tells him.

“True.”

Melt raises an eyebrow.

“Purple doesn’t suit you very well.”

Ugh.

Why do you have to always know exactly what to say to push his buttons all the time?

You’re the most annoying photographer ever! How anyone ever managed to put up with you in the first place, Melt isn’t sure. Honestly it’s a miracle you even managed to convince someone to be your muse in the first place, much less 12 (or was it 13) other people.

“Melt,” you hum his name teasingly as you reposition him into a different stance, “aren’t you going to answer me?”

Fine.

If you’re going to insist on being like that then so is he.

“And where’d you get an opinion like that?” Taunted Melt.

You smile easily, seemingly amused, “a magazine,” your hands gently gliding over his own as you position them in where you deem is the perfect place.

“It seems you’re just another bee.”

You laugh softly, “I am quite fond of honey.”

Melt has to do a double take.

You seem to have taken it in stride though Melt isn’t sure if you’ve actually misunderstood the insult or not. Sometimes you do like to play dumb but he can’t figure out if you’ve actually misunderstood what he was saying or not.

Truthfully, Melt isn’t actually mad at you for calling his hair tacky but the topic a sensitive one for him. One of the other models he’d been modeling with had made fun of his hair the other day and ever since then Melt’s been debating on changing it. He obviously won’t because then the others would know that they got to him and he definitely won’t give them that satisfaction but it did put him in a bad mood.

None of the other models or staff on set had stepped up to defend Melt forcing him to take all the criticism.

To hear that you were simply just following their lead now did nothing to help his already crumbling self-esteem.

Seeming to understand the turmoil going on in Melt’s head you break out into laughter, “you’ll find the life of a worker bee to be quite a fulfilling one.”

Melt’s heart does a weird fluttering thing at your laugh which only makes his scowl deepen, “fulfilling is a nice way of saying boring.”

“And what’s wrong with being boring?”

“Everyone wants to be special.”

“Special people,” you smile teasingly, “don’t get insulted when they’re called boring.”

I used to wanna be Living like there’s only me But now I spend my time Thinking ‘bout a way to get you off my mind I used to be so rough Never really gave enough And then you caught my eye Giving me the feeling of a lighting strike

“Would you consider doing shots underwater?”

“What?”

You poke your head out from behind the camera, “underwater shots! I’ve been wanting to try underwater photos. I got a waterproof camera recently and wanted to try it out. So I was wondering if you wanted to take some underwater shots.”

“No.” Melt shakes his head, “I don’t want to do it.”

“Aw, come on! I promise I’ll be quick!”

“You’re never quick when it comes to taking photos.”

“That’s because you only see me when I take photos in a professional setting! I’ll have you know that I can take photos in a timely manner when I try to.”

Melt chuckles, “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

You snap a shot, “so you’ll do it?”

“No.”

“Lame~”

Melt scowls, “don’t you have any other people you can ask?”

“I do,” you snap another shot of Melt, “but I don’t want to ask them.”

Melt turns his head away from the camera lens.

You snap another shot.

“Did you spend a lot of time with your other Muses?” Melt asks, attempting to redirect your attention.

“Well, I did have to spend time with them so that I could take photos of them.”

“But did you spend a lot of time with them, outside of the studio?”

“I didn’t take all of my photos in a studio. Actually, I took at least half of them at the moment sporadically. Always searching for the perfect angles you know? Always in the pursuit of something greater than what we already have.”

Melt nods but he doesn’t actually get what you’re saying.

“But yeah,” you hum softly as you move from one camera to the next, “I did spend a lot of time with each of the muses. Some more than others, of course.”

“Do you still talk to them?”

“Some of them.”

Melt wonders what the expression on your face was when you answered him. If you got a sad misty eyed look or if you smiled ever so gently in a way that people do when they’re happy about what happened rather than being sad that it ended. Or maybe your face didn’t change at all, staying neutral and stoic.

You seem more like the kind of person to not linger very long in the past which is actually kind of ironic because you’re a photographer. And what are photos if not moments of the past frozen in time?

“Am I a Muse?” Melt asks suddenly.

“Do you want to be?”

Melt shrugs, “I mean, I know you take photos of people all the time and do a bunch of photoshoots like this with people that don’t end up being Muses but… I guess I was just curious. It doesn't matter much anyways.”

“It matters to me.”

Melt swears that if his heart keeps fluttering like that he’s going to end up ruined.

Look at me now, I’m falling I can’t even talk, still stuttering This found I’m on, it keeps shaking Oh, oh, oh, now!

You step out for a moment when your manager comes running into the room speaking to you about something important. Melt hopes it’s nothing too serious and watches anxiously as you head out. It’s rare that something pulls you away while you’re in the middle of a shoot and even rarer for you to leave without mentioning something to Melt. It’s so rare that this is the first time it’s ever happened.

Melt left speechless as your manager follows you out of the room.

Well, hopefully it won’t be anything too bad. Maybe there was an important call you were expecting? But then wouldn’t you have said something to him earlier? And it wasn’t like you to be forgetful about things like that.

If Melt really needs to know then your manager will probably tell him.

Right?

On another note, Melt was pretty surprised when he saw how small your management staff was. Consisting of only two people. Your co-managers as you called them. One to help you manage your schedule and the other to help you manage your work life balance. Melt bets that you would probably spend your entire day just taking photos of things if you could.

Most people don’t actually know that you have two managers. Your second one prefers to keep more in the background of things. But that makes sense. Most photographers don’t even have managers in the first place. Only the really famous ones, which you happen to be.

Melt was very surprised when he heard that you weren’t with a publishing company or distributing company of some sort. That you preferred to keep things small and freelance if you could. Melt knows that he certainly would have signed with the best group he could have if he were in a position like yours.

He supposes the fame just never mattered as much to you.

“Is everything okay?” Melt asks as you come back into the room.

“Hm?” You’re out of breath slightly as you turn to Melt, “did you say something?” Wow. Melt’s always known you were pretty, thought you were pretty when he first met you, but right now he suddenly finds himself wanting to press his lips to your own. He isn’t really all too sure why either. He just knows that his heart is racing and his head is pounding. It feels like he was the one running around rather than you.

“No,” Melt turns away from you, “nothing. Let’s just get on with the next set of photos. Where do you want me to stand?”

All I wanna be, yeah, all I ever wanna be, yeah, yeah Is Somebody to you All I wanna be, yeah, all I ever wanna be, yeah, yeah Is somebody to you Everybody's tryna be a billionaire But every time I look at you, I just don’t care ‘Cause all I wanna be, yeah, all I ever wanna be, yeah, yeah Is somebody to you

“Tilt your head up a little higher.” You request.

Melt tilts his head back while you alter the lens of the camera. He watches curiously as you scramble around with the lighting, running from light to light and changing the settings. Most photographers have teams of people to do it for them but you always seem to prefer to do everything yourself.

Melt can’t decide if that’s a good thing or not.

On one hand it shows that you like to get your hands dirty. Do all the heavy lifting yourself. But, on the other hand, it displays that you’re kind of a control freak; thinking that you can do everything better than the people around you.

Caught up in his own thoughts Melt doesn’t realise that you’re standing behind him until your hands are readjusting his shoulders.

“Lean a little more to the left and direct your gaze this way.” You direct, placing your hands gently on his face as you position in the right spot exactly.

You’re definitely a control freak.

And a little needy.

Melt’s surprised at how your hands feel. Usually your touches are fleeting and over top of his clothing. You’re always making sure to maintain a professional distance between yourself and the people around you. It makes sense. Wouldn’t want to get into a scandal or anything through miscommunicating or a touch that lingers a little too long.

But sometimes, just sometimes, Melt wants your touch to linger just a little longer.

Especially right now as your hands reposition his face.

They’re not exactly soft but they're not rought either. A nice inbetween. Just enough texture to have him curious about what kinds of things you do for fun. Obviously you’re holding cameras all the time but there must be other things that you do. Maybe you just don’t like to lotion your hands? Or you’re an avid swimmer?

“Don’t lean forward so much, Melt.”

Oh shoot.

He does his best to bite back a blush.

He doesn’t do a very good job though as you quickly catch onto his change in demeanour.

“Oh, that’s a nice expression.”

“(Y/n),” Melt frowns.

“Hm?”

He doesn’t say anything in response, the words once again alluding him. Melt doesn’t get tongue tied often… well maybe he does. He’s not much of a speaker in the first place but it gets a little annoying when he wants to talk to you. When there’s things that he wants to say to pretty girls like you.

“Have you ever been in love before?” You ask, whispering softly as you lean in towards Melt.

Melt rolls his eyes, “you’re annoying.”

“What?” You pout playfully, “I was just curious.”

“Yes,” Melt huffs, “if you must know. Yes, I’ve been in love before.”

‘SNAP!’

“Hey!” Melt exclaims, “you said you would tell me before you take photos.”

“Sorry,” you say though it’s obvious you aren’t actually sorry, “I liked that expression you made. You don’t make it very often.”

“You’re lucky I’m nice.”

“The luckiest~”

I used to run around I didn’t want to settle down But now, I wake each day Looking for a way that I can see your face I’ve got your photograph But baby, I need more than that I need to know your lips Nothing ever mattered to me more than this

“I think that’s enough photos for the day,” you said, turning off the bright spot lights. Melt nods, getting down from the chair you had seated him in and starting to take off the clothes he’d been dressed in, leaving him in a simple shirt and pants.

You fiddle around with the equipment. Twisting chords together and placing cameras into their proper cases.

Usually Melt would immediately make his way off set. He never was one to linger. But today he finds his feet planted to the ground as he watches you move around. When he first met you he had assumed you weren’t all that familiar with this industry world. You were so standoffish and aloof when speaking to the other people on set and even more so when speaking to him. In retrospect, Melt suppose that might’ve been because you wanted to see his character.

Watching you now though Melt can see just exactly how wrong he was. You move so smoothly and efficiently as if you’ve been doing this for a long time. You have a good understanding where everything is and you’re calm.

“What’re you doing after this?” Melt asks, moving to stand beside you.

“Curious about something other than yourself?” You teased.

Melt frowns, “I don’t only think about myself! I also consider the feelings of the cast and crew! Well,” Melt looks down to the ground, “at least I do now.” Despite knowing you’re only teasing you seem to always somehow hit the hard hitting topics. He supposes that he should be used to that though.

“Only teasing, Mr. Airplane.”

“Hey!”

“Hm?”

“You said you wouldn’t call me that anymore!”

“I lied~”

Melt snorts, “you’re such a brat.”

“Guilty as charged~” You seem to have finished packing everything up as you throw a jacket over your shoulders and sling a polaroid camera around your neck. The polaroid camera is the first thing that catches Melt’s attention. It reminds him of those brightly coloured ones that he used to see in commercials when he was young. Instafilms or something like that. One of his younger cousins had had one of them always taking pictures at the worst of times.

Your own camera looks a little on the older side. Looks a little beaten up but well loved and taken care of.

From all the photographers that Melt’s met he can definitely say that you’re the most in love with your work. The only one that seems to always have a camera within arm’s reach. Always searching for the perfect moment to capture and share with the rest of the world. He might even go as far as saying you’re not like any other photographer he’s ever met if that didn’t sound so cliche.

“Hey,” Melt leans against the door as you go to open it, “you never answered my question.”

You give him a raised eyebrow but your eyes sparkle in amusement, “didn’t think you cared.”

“Why would I ask if I didn’t care?”

“Touche.” You move to open the door.

Melt doesn't move, he’s not going to let you get away this easily, “well?”

Look at me now, I’m falling I can’t even talk, still stuttering This ground I’m on, it keeps shaking Oh, oh, oh, now!

“Not used to not getting what you want, huh?” You tease.

“Haha,” Melt rolls his eyes, “very funny.”

“Well I certainly think so~”

You always did like making things more difficult than they needed to be. Why else would you insist on doing all the crew work yourself? You, if anyone, could have very easily assembled a crew attuned to your every need and want with your fame alone. Heck, you probably had people lining up to work for you if you really wanted.

Melt thinks that that’s likely the most interesting thing about you though. The fact that you do all these seemingly crazy (and oftentimes stupid) things without explaining yourself. He remembers reading an interview from you. You answered every question in an open ended way. Leaving lots of room for interpretation. Never directly or outright saying things. You definitely got off on leaving people confused, that's for sure.

Melt, believe it or not, had actually done a little bit of research on you the other day.

He didn’t like how you never answer many of his questions so he had gone off and looked for information himself. You were from a suburban town near one of the larger cities. Grew up with your first Muse, the Soldier. Attended university with the Storyteller and Auteur. Traveled around the world.

Overall, there wasn’t much information on you but that’s what Melt had been expecting. The most he found about you came from the quotes of your muses, specifically the Mentalist. Back when your fame was first rising it was the Mentalist that did most of the promoting of your skills and talents. So much so that your names are practically synonymous with one another’s.

“So, are we just going to stay here all night?” You ask.

“Fine,” Melt opens the door, “but you’re coming with me to my next set.”

“What? Why?”

“Just,” Melt blushes, “just because.”

He thanks his lucky stars that all you do is smile and nod, deciding not to push the topic any further, “sure. Whatever you say, Mr. Airplane.”

Melt walks ahead of you, not wanting you to see his flushed face, “so who’s been your favourite Muse?”

“My favourite Muse?”

“Yeah, you know. Which one of your Muses did you like the most?”

“I don’t have a favourite. I like each of my muses differently. It’s unfair to compare them like that.”

“Come on,” Melt gives you a playful nudge, “everyone has a favourite. Don’t give a cliche answer like parents do whenever they get asked which child is their favourite. I’m sure there was one that you liked working with more than the others.”

“Well if we’re going to specially say which one I liked working with the most then it would have been The Mentalist.”

“Why?”

“He was easy to work with. Understood the industry and was there to help me feel better about all the mistakes I made.” You get a fond smile on your face that Melt hasn’t seen before. It makes his heart skip a beat.

“And,” Melt swallows, “which one of your Muses was the… funnest to work with?”

“The Storyteller.”

“And the best looking?”

“Objectively? Or based on my own preferences?”

“Your own preferences.”

“The Dancer.”

“Then what about objectively?”

You smile teasingly, “the Dancer, still.”

Melt’s mood begins to sour but he can’t exactly understand why.

“You know,” you hum, “these are never heard before answers.”

“Oh?”

“Definitely,” you explain, “I don’t just go around and answer questions directly~ I prefer to leave things up to speculation. So don’t go around and tell everyone or else I might get some angry calls from my Muses.”

Melt laughs at that.

All I wanna be, yeah all I ever wanna be, yeah, yeah Is somebody to you All I wanna be, yeah, all I ever wanna be, yeah, yeah Is somebody to you Everybody’s tryna be a billionaire But every time I look at you, I just don’t care ‘Cause all I wanna be, yeah, all I ever wanna be, yeah, yeah Is somebody to you

“So, what’re you going to call my series of photos?” Melt asks, leaning against the wall.

“Hm,” you lean on the wall beside him, “what do you think I should call it?”

“The Model?”

“What? I was teasing earlier about your hair being tacky but that title is definitely too tacky!” You sigh dramatically, “I’d never recover from the humiliation of using a title as rudimentary as ‘The Model.’ I can already hear the criticism of the press.”

Melt snorts, “as if some of your titles aren’t already tacky. The Detective and The Violinist, just to name a few.”

“Those titles are who they are.”

“And I’m not a model?”

“You’re so much more.”

Melt feels his cheeks flush. He wonders if you can see how red his cheeks are between the dim lighting and makeup that had been applied to his face earlier on. You probably don’t because you likely would have taken the chance to tease him as you usually do. He’s thankful that you don’t. He’s not sure he’ll be able to live down this level of embarrassment… ever. To think that someone like you would be able to make him blush like a middle school boy with his first crush.

His heart’s fluttering dramatically.

Is this a normal feeling?

Melt isn’t all too sure anymore.

“I’m thinking, The Pilot.” You say suddenly.

Melt turns to look at you standing beside him. You’re closer than he thought you were - just barely a breadths width away from his arm touching your own. He’s obviously used to you touching him (always politely and properly) from the photoshoots but this feels different. Doesn't have that same professional distance. Doesn’t have that same context.

“The Pilot?” Melt asks, “like an airplane Pilot? Wait, is this because you always call me Mr. Airplane?”

“No,” you laugh, “like the first episode of the show.”

“Tacky.” Melt teases.

You give him a playful shove, “the Pilot because all the shows you star in fail after airing the first episode.”

Melt pouts, “low blow.”

“Obviously I’m only teasing,” you smile fondly, “the Pilot because I want this to be the first episode in a long career for you.”

Wow.

He kind of hates how you’re able to switch so easily between a stoic and serious personality and a calm and collected one. How you’re able to go from pouting to romantic in seemingly a matter of seconds. He definitely hates how he’s probably not the first.

Obviously, not being one to be outdone, Melt leans down and whispers into your ear, the same way you’d done earlier before, “have you ever been in love before?”

You smile, “of course.”

“Yeah,” Melt says, “that’s what I expected.”

“You know,” you hum thoughtfully, “you aren’t the first one to ask me a question like that. I always thought I looked like someone that falls in love easily so it always surprises me when someone asks me a question like that.”

Melt frowns, “you aren’t.”

“I don’t look like someone that falls in love easily?”

“You aren’t surprised.”

“Oh? And how do you know that?”

He pulls away in a huff, not really quite sure how to articulate his words. Melt’s never been all that good at saying what’s on his mind and he’s even worse when it comes to girls like you. People like you. That poke and prod in an attempt to see the inner workings of his brain. How can someone else understand what he’s thinking when he barely does himself?

“Smile for me.” You say, holding up your polaroid camera.

Annoyed, Melt gives you a practiced smile.

‘SNAP.’

Look at me now, I’m fallin’ Can’t even talk still stutterin’ All I wanna be, yeah, all I ever wanna be, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

“Throw it out.” Demanded Melt.

“What?” You hold the photo just out of Melt’s reach, “but you look so cute!”

“No I don’t.”

“Yes you do.”

“No.”

“Hm,” you pull a silver compact from your pocket, “can I keep it if I promise that I won’t publish this with the other photos?”

Melt raises an eyebrow, “you want to keep a photo of me?”

“Course~” You say it as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world, “who doesn't keep photos of people that are important to them?”

He’s important to you?

His heart skips a beat.

He’s important to you.

And then another.

He’s important to you!

“Want to see them?” You ask, opening up your silver compact.

“See what?”

“My secret collection of photos.”

Melt shrugs, trying his best to seem nonchalant, “why not? You’re going to show me either way.”

There looks to be about a dozen or so photos in the compact that come pouring out when you take them out. Melt is surprised to see that he actually recognizes most of the people in these photos. He’s never seen any of these specific photos before but he knows for a fact that these people are your other Muses.

Some of them are faded.

Others are a little blurry.

But overall they’re all in good condition.

“They’re never before seen by the public,” you explain, “kind of like those photos people keep in their wallets of their loved ones, you know. I did consider keeping them in my wallet but then I thought about how easy it would be to lose (and wallets get stolen all the time) and then they can get damaged much easier. That’s why some of them have yellow stains.”

“Have you shown this to anyone else before?” Asks Melt, slowly flipping through the various polarized photos.

“You’re the first one to see it in a while.”

“Oh,” Melt gives the photos a little shake as if they’ll whisper secrets to him, “who was the last person to see it?”

“The Bookkeeper.”

Oh.

Melt figures it would have been another one of your Muses that would have had the privilege of seeing something so special to you. It’s always the people who matter the most to you that get to see things like this. And a part of Melt has always known that you must have loved the other Muses but it feels a little different to see it with his own eyes. Makes him feel a little less special.

“Anyone else?” Melt asked.

“Just you and the Bookkeeper.”

That makes him feel a little better.

But only ever so slightly.

Fall in love with someone you’ll love forever.

---

Song: Somebody to You Artist: The Vamps, Featuring: Demi Lovato

---

Her: How much?

#oshi no ko #oshi no ko x reader #narushima melt x reader #100 ways to fall in love #someone you loved

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animatedjunkfood · 1 year

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Spoilers for Sonic Prime Ep6

It’s interesting to see Sonic have some verbal restraint in this episode-

Nine shows him ‘The Grim’ and tells Sonic about his plans to live there, a place where there is absolutely nothing. There’s no way Sonic isn’t 10,000,000% against leaving any version of his baby brother in such a world, but he doesn’t immediately shut Nine down.

-----

Sonic : “Look, Nine, it’s incredible but it’s not going anywhere.”

Sonic : “And those rebels really need our help.”

Sonic : “Come with me. Help me finish the fight.”

-----

Sonic instead says that there’s currently people who they need to go help, they can come back later; ‘The Grim’ isn’t going anywhere.

He put a pin in the conversation instead of addressing it because he saw how important this place is to Nine, no matter how messed up it is that he’d gladly choose to live in a world with no one else in it. If Sonic expressed how much he hated the idea, Nine would shut him out again which is something he can’t afford to let happen.

At the moment, Nine is his closest and most useful ally.

He’s the best equipped version of Tails so far because he comes from a Shatter-Space that catered to his intellectual growth. If it weren’t for him, Sonic’s gear would still be smoking and not adapting to whatever new environments he gets thrown into. And now, his biggest achievement so far, Nine was able to harness a Paradox Shard’s power to be able to traverse the void and control what reality he ends up in (Something that Sonic can’t even do yet because any time he teleports, he had no idea where he’s going.)

Losing him in this situation is asking for failure.

Strategy aside though, I don’t think Sonic would be able to cope with the loss well on an emotional level either.

#sonic prime #sonic the hedgehog #nine the fox #miles tails prower #tails the fox #BIG oof #PSA: Isolation isn't a Solution to Your Problems Buddy #sonic and tails

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dogin8 · 1 year

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Seen a tiktok that was like “My boyfriend got in a car collision and I didn’t hear about it until a week later” and I know this is also a common issue that people have with their male partners so as full time man, full time man lover, here’s the first installment of Possibly why your boyfriend is Like that

People obviously understand that the traditional male friendship dynamic isn’t a particularly emotionally accessible space, but on top of that, boys never really talk about themselves (at least in my experience). Like the default of friendships between boys seem to be based on shared activity or comedy. There’s even a trope of a guy going to meet all his friends and knowing literally nothing about any of their lives by the time he heads home. Sharing information about yourself, no matter how important it is to you, just isn’t really something that happens.

So when a guy, brought up through that type of environment ^ enters into a relationship where that kind of communication is essential, it takes a WHILE to be able to accept that him talking about himself has value. Because it just wasn’t a part of the social currency up until that point.

This is more of how I personally deal with my stuff and might not apply to others but: For a long while I had a like, SERIOUS mental block around starting topics of conversation. I wasn’t able to make myself bring something up unless I had a super obvious reason to do so. I would try to like, nudge conversations towards things I wanted to say but if that didn’t work I would just give up. So getting into a relationship, it took me legitimately AGES to get to a point where I could send a message saying “Hey this thing happened to me” with no winding preamble or lucky opportunity.

So yeah, maybe your boyfriend did want to tell you about the thing that is obviously super important, but he’s kind of coded to not bring things up unless they’re specifically relevant, or funny.

#Big clarification #this is not a defense of poor communication #and you feeling like he should have told you abt the big important thing is Valid and reasonable #but I think it might help you if this is possibly what's going on #so now you know #Also another thing that i struggled with #when you are the guy that needs an opportunity or a specific reason to bring stuff up #if you don't get that opportunity then at a certain point it feels like you've left it too long and it gets WAY harder to bring it up #because it's super unlikely that it will be actually relevant or brought up in conversation #gender

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timetravetimetraveltimetravel · 3 months

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★✰✰✰✰

We arrived in Japan just as the sun was rising, in Heian-Kyo. The streets were starting to be filled up with the local people, rising early to get on with their days. The arrival brought a jet lag with it; not as it would with a change at just time zone, but a kind of culture shock times four. It wasn’t how we thought it would be, not fully. When you look at the past it can never be through the lens of how the people of the time see it; regardless of whether or not you were there when it happened, we always have bias. It doesn’t matter how objective we try to be, because in their nature humans are not objective. We are not and have never been. You can look back on a period and see the art, see the culture and natural beauty, see paintings of beautiful scenes, and read the philosophies taught and nod along with their ideologies. It makes you feel smart as if you’re in on a secret shared between the well-educated, but in reality, we don’t know that much. We never had conversations with the people of the time, we never experienced their struggles.

I think going into this whole time travel journey, I and everyone else in our group had read up on the beauty and culture of the period, seen through the eyes of the nobles who wrote of it, while not being able to see how tough life for the common people of the era was. Going back we expected a painting to come to life, with all the beauty and perfection you see in the art, but life isn’t a painting regardless of the period or place in the world. We can capture beautiful moments, put them together in an album, and admire how the two-dimensional view seems perfect, with the people painted out or portrayed as furthering the scenery, but this album never records the conversations and arguments walking up to the area, or the stress of weight on the back of the one carrying the easel.

For our first day, we were supposed to spend it meeting nobles and visiting the palace to see the architecture and witness some of the courtly rituals that go on. We were dressed in nobleman's clothing and got to look around for a bit, but the expectations and conversation were crushed. We didn't know these people, we had no names attached to us to give us respect, or general acknowledgment. Regardless of how we were dressed or how we acted, we weren’t important, and we were treated as such.

We were foreign and had no name for ourselves, the translator worked but the dependence on it felt isolating, and pushed us further out of this society. The food throughout our stay was good, but because of its foreignness, and the general new environments and sanitary conditions we were exposed to during our trip, we all got sick. Over and over, our bodies just weren’t used to the conditions we were presented with. There are so many diseases that differ from now and then, and we weren’t used to any of the sanitary systems, with no plumbing or anything of that kind. There were times I was afraid I would die just based on random sickness. None of our sleeping places went through, in the advertising they made it out as though all these noble people with beautiful large homes would just let us stay with them, but regardless of the time that doesn’t work. We had nothing to our name, and though we love to look back on past times and think of how superior we are to the people of then when you're there it just doesn’t matter at all. We are all people, and sometimes people are cruel and build systems that hurt people, and leave people without a roof over their heads.

Despite the fact the nobles didn't let us in, we did find refuge in the house of a common family, but this just made us realize how hard life was for the common people of Japan during this period. Even though most stories that come from this period come from the upper class, and show lives of luxury, the general people of the era did not experience this at all. The vast majority of people, including those who let us stay with them, lived in incredibly small cramped quarters, barely protected by the elements. Most lived on farms and were exploited by this small group of elites, through taxes put on food production. The upper class used all this money on themselves, ignoring the rural communities that needed help. Famine was common, and malnutrition was extensive. Not even the nobles were excluded from sickness and poor health, many died quickly from deadly epidemics. The sickness we experienced while we were stuck there was worse than anything I have caught in the current year. This plus the non-developed healthcare, meant we just had to wait it out through the week. This was more than just a scare, I feared for my own and my group members' lives.

The sickness and poor sleeping conditions left the group exhausted and ill every morning, which meant we could not go through with most of the activities on the itinerary. We spent most of the time resting and trying to keep up healthy. We had to be cautious about what we ate, to not further sicken ourselves, which meant we could not try all the food as planned. Despite our exhaustion and general unwellness, we still tried to force ourselves on some of these excursions. The temples were the most calming, giving us more opportunities to rest, but the hikes just added exhaustion on top of what we already felt.

The samurai training just wasn’t planned well; samurai didn’t hold much respect for the common people, just as with the nobles. They were above us and made that clear. It sort of leads back to the idea of bias, because, in the end, the common person isn’t the one writing the history book at this time. We read these books written with objective language while ignoring the fact the sources are completely subjective and ignore a huge chunk of the population in favor of who can pay the most. No one wants the country they run to be known in the history books for how poor its citizens are, or how the majority of people die as children from sicknesses and never make it to the age to be able to do anything for society.

As a concluding set of thoughts on this experience, I do think it was eye-opening, but not in a way that makes me want to recommend it to others. I feared for my life over this trip and those of the people around me. I met children dying of plagues and malnutrition. I think all the journeys taught me that I need to do more research before signing up for experimental time travel expeditions, and generally learn more about history than just the positives. Not just in history but modern day as well, it’s easy to forget how hard the world is when the only view you’re seeing is from your own eyes and those of the people who were taught to see the same. When you’re forced into a position where you have to see through a different person's gaze, it shows just how isolated your viewpoint is.

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redemptiionss · 2 years

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Trying to learn ASL, any tips?

Hello! I’m glad that you've taken an interest in learning ASL; I wish you luck on your language learning journey and that I hope you enjoy learning it!

**This applies to all sign languages, not just ASL.**

So my main tip— If you truly want to learn ASL, then you also need to make friends in the Deaf community and socialize at Deaf events. Just like with any other language— language immersion is how you learn best as you are being exposed to language in its most natural context / environment.

Second tip- Be conscious about WHO you are learning ASL from. There are legitimately millions of ASL teaching/learning videos out there online made by hearing people who 1) are NOT native ASL signers and 2) barely know anything about ASL and the Deaf community, and/or literally JUST started learning ASL. I’ve seen plenty of videos, and they’re honestly so bad. The truth is, they know that what they’re doing is inappropriate and wrong. They do it for clout, tbh. Fame, views, whatever. They know that other hearing people who are genuinely eager to learn ASL are not going to know whether they are actually learning ASL signs correctly or not. These people often have more power and influence than the Deaf people who are expressing their genuine outrage over this, and they know it. And these Deaf people who are expressing their concerns get ignored and labelled as being unreasonable and whiners as a result. I’ve literally seen this happen so many times online. 🙃 So yeah, try to be conscious. There are qualified Deaf native signers out there teaching ASL & offering ASL classes. Give them your support and attention please!

Third tip - During conversations, don’t be afraid to tell us Deaf people that you are new to learning ASL, and to slow down if needed! We know what it’s like to nod nod nod and grin and say yes and pretend we understand a hearing person who’s talking at us, when we actually don’t understand everything that’s being said. We can often tell when you aren’t understanding us so don’t be afraid to ask us to slow down or to repeat what we said or ask about a new, unfamiliar sign!

Fourth tip -

ASL signs are not English words.

ASL signs are ASL concepts.

Many hearing people misunderstand and think that ASL signs are basically English words, or that there is an English vocabulary equivalent for every single word in ASL. That’s not how languages work.

ASL signs are ASL concepts, which may have an approximate equivalent meaning in English buuuut may not 100% fit. OR may not have an equivalent at all.

I only say this because I think it’s important to remember this! You may already know this. But many hearing people don’t realize this. Same thing with ASL’s grammar being different from English. (A lot of hearing learners end up signing word for word in English grammatical order-- which, of course isn’t ASL.)

Fifth tip- A lot of ASL grammar is on the face and the body (also known as non-manual markers, in ASL linguistics)-- it’s a very important part of ASL. So don’t be so stiff with your facial expressions! Non-manual markers influence the meaning of signs, and serve a role of modifiers, adverbs, tone, etc in ASL. There are some rules regarding facial expressions, which you’ll learn-- and should be learning from your ASL instructor.

Oh and there’s classifiers too, but you’ll also be learning about that from your ASL instructor lol.

#answered #sorry.. it's been a while yikes. i finally had the energy and the brains to finish this. lol #but yeah ummmmmmmm i hope this was at least a bit helpful lol #txt #asl

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talenlee · 3 months

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How To Be: Power (in 4e D&D)

In How To Be we’re going to look at a variety of characters from Not D&D and conceptualise how you might go about making a version of that character in the form of D&D that matters on this blog, D&D 4th Edition. Our guidelines are as follows:

This is going to be a brief rundown of ways to make a character that ‘feels’ like the source character

This isn’t meant to be comprehensive or authoritative but as a creative exercise

While not every character can work immediately out of the box, the aim is to make sure they have a character ‘feel’ as soon as possible

The character has to have the ‘feeling’ of the character by at least midway through Heroic

When building characters in 4th Edition it’s worth remembering that there are a lot of different ways to do the same basic thing. This isn’t going to be comprehensive, or even particularly fleshed out, and instead give you some places to start when you want to make something.

Another thing to remember is that 4e characters tend to be more about collected interactions of groups of things – it’s not that you get a build with specific rules about what you have to take, and when, and why, like you’re lockpicking your way through a design in the hopes of getting an overlap eventually. Character building is about packages, not programs, and we’ll talk about some packages and reference them going forwards.

I suppose, in addition to any of the other standard comments you see from me in a How To Be post, I’m going to be mentioning some details from late in the story of Part 1 of Chainsaw Man. To that end, consider a spoiler warning in effect. You’re going to learn some stuff about how Power’s story goes, in general. No point by point, and I will keep the details broad, and if you’re interested in Chainsaw Man I do recommend you check it out. You know, if you don’t mind an action horror manga where discussing the character requires a mandatory Spoiler Warning I suppose.

I gave that spoiler warning out of an abundance of caution. I don’t think it’s necessary: You don’t need to know exactly what happens to Power to recognise her based on promotional material and know that she’s from a gory action-horror manga. I don’t think you’re under any illusions that Power’s life is a happy one.

Examining Power

Power’s story is not actually that important to properly projecting her vibe. Chainsaw Man is a story that doesn’t necessarily want to delve into her inner life in an intense way – we get to see her have conversations and make choices when dealing with other people, but what happens inside Power’s head, her exact motivation, these are always ambiguated through a layer of Power trying to communicate with someone. You can see Power’s story as having a few different interpretations, but you don’t need to know about whether or not your character flushes to have a toolkit to properly represent Power, as a person, in a party environment.

To put it simpler: It’s about the vibes.

And Power’s vibes are rancid.

Still, there are essentially three layers to consider Power in this. There’s the surface level Power, where someone tells you just what Power is in a broad sense, and you look at the way Power is presented in promotional materials. This is what I’d consider a sort of First Impression Power: the character you can play with just the barest information about her and her visual aesthetic. Then, a layer down there’s the Power that requires a more in-depth awareness of how Power works in her story; stuff like how her powers work, the kinds of things you know she can do or won’t do because of who she is. Finally there’s a layer deeper when you know the whole of her story and have a good handle on all the elements of her that you may want to include. Here’s where things get icky because of course Bad Things happen to Power, and we learn a bit about what she can’t do and what she can’t survive.

Universal across all of them, the things that need to be true for all versions of Power, then are the following:

Power is inhuman. She is a devil, a demon animating a human body.

Power is bloody. Her powers relate to blood and ways to use blood.

Power is neither commanding, nor supportive.

And if we’re not just using promotional art to build the character:

Power is dumb as bricks.

The Essentials Of Power

Glossary Note: Conventionally, the term used in D&D for this mechanical package is race. This is the typical term, and in most conversations about this game system, the term you’re going to wind up using is race. For backwards compatibility and searchability, I am including this passage here. The term I use for this player option is heritage.

There’s not a strong basis for what Power is in existing 4e heritage options. You might say hey, wait, hang on, Power is a devil girl, clearly there’s probably something to build out of her being a Tiefling, right?

To that I would respond that Tieflings get a bonus to Charisma, and then either Constitution, or Intelligence. Power is not someone with an abundance of intelligence or an abundance of Charisma. Oh sure, she’s cute and she’s charming but her ability to get people to do what she wants is pretty limited as indicated by uh, every appearance she has. She can lie to Denji pretty convincingly but layered counterpoint, Denji’s an idiot.

To find a heritage with what Power’s got going on, I first pulled up the compendium and just searched for all Constitution-based heritages. Of that range, we got the Dwarf (Con/Str), the Goliath (Str/Con), the Half Elf (Con/…Wis? Maybe? Kinda?), Half-Orc (Dex/Con or Dex/Str), Minotaur (and that has problems all its own), Mul (Con/Str or Con/Wis), and Warforged (Con/Str).

Comically, and I know you may think I’m taking the piss but I’m not, I genuinely think of this assortment, the best option for Power is the Warforged. It doesn’t pull her mechanically into a direction that works against her flavour, it’s explicitly inhuman and has a weird relationship to its body – Power being a demon stuck in a meat puppet. Plus, I mean it’s not like the setting has to have Warforged in it at base, right? Like, you only ever play Warforged in sanctioned, official games in the Eberron setting?

Layer 1 — Promo Art Power

What you get when you look at the Promo art of Power is a girl with long hair, in a suit, with horns and weird eyes – so obviously not human – and usually, some variety of huge weapon.

How do we fit this, with the Warforged as our baseline?

Well, we have a body of parts with a demon driving the engine. She uses weapons, big ones she summons herself out of blood, and doesn’t wear heavy armour but also she can clearly take being hit very hard. She has some ranged stuff, but largely does melee damage. Class-wise, I think that it comes down to where you want to stand in the possibility space. Like, I wouldn’t make Power a defender, but I can imagine starting from ‘Power, but a defender,’ and winding up on Fighter, or Warden.

By default though, to replicate Power as a character, you’re pushed heavily towards melee damage dealers that can be reckless – so, Barbarians, Rogues, and Monks. At an absolute push, I could imagine making an Ardent with her vibes. The Barbarian is the top of my list for the simplest ‘Power-like’ character; big single weapons, less heavily armoured, focused on aggression, all that jazz.

Warforged, Barbarian, Constitution-based, Rageblood Vigor, and a big weapon. There’s the start.

Layer 2 — Everyday Power

When you know Power more, you learn that there’s weird stuff she does with blood – her own and other people’s. It’s not stuff that D&D normally files as ‘in combat’ stuff – it’s things you need some planning ahead, some specific behaviours and safety to do.

Y’know, like rituals.

Yeah, Power: Idiot Barbarian and Ritual Caster. Ritual Caster is an amazing feat, with a huge amount of options for things you can do with it – like, you can use it to produce weapons (forge weapon ritual), create poisons (bloodstinger poison ritual), make traps (blastpatch ritual) and restore the dead (raise dead ritual). These are all things that Power can do or hints at being able to do — which means that as you level to pick up more Powerness, you can pick up Ritual Caster.

Layer 3 — The Depths Of Her Power

Y’know, this isn’t where this stuff normally shows up.

Anyway, Power kinda? is a werewolf? Or a werecat? It’s hard to put a finger on it. You see a bit of it at her first appearances, hints of the shape, but it’s not until right near the end of her story you get to see Power, Power in her true form, without the body of the girl she spends time in. You see the Blood Devil, which is an animalian form with a big fangy maw and – it’s a beast. It’s a beast form.

And if you’re at that level of detail, and if you want to prepare for Paragon or you just want something useful early on, then you want to pick as your theme the Werewolf (and plan on picking up Claw Gloves later). That’s especially funny because uh, like, the Pack Outcast would be better? But it can only be applied to Humans and Shifters, and we know this much: Power ain’t human!

Junk drawer

There are a lot of other directions to take Power. You could focus on the blood theme and make her a thing like a Melee Shaman, with her construct being a pile of blood. I do like the idea of making her as a defender, because I like playing defenders, and I could see a version of her who feeds her allies her blood and powers them up that way, and use the Ardent. These takes would necessarily involve changing her stat split though – and I mean, ‘Power, but smart’ no doubt can run the risk of losing something about how Power feels to you.

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

#DnD 4e #How to Be #Dungeons &amp; Dragons #Games #Making

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sophieinwonderland · 2 years

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This is an old draft I made in response to an old conversation about system terms, but never actually published, so I'm finishing it now. The person requested I not reblog any further, but I still wanted to address this line because it's a sentiment I see a lot.

“If endogenic experiences and osddid systems were not seen as similar, then people wouldn’t start out as endo and realize they’re traumagenic or vice versa as much. If there was a clear line there would be less of that. Isn’t people figuring themselves out quicker better?”

This isn't how this works.

We found the tulpa community while watching videos about imaginary friends, and seeing tulpas mentioned in the comments. We already sort of switched before that point. We never considered DID or anything similar before that. It wasn’t even an option in our mind.

I imagine that a lot of systems in the tulpa community are brought in through similar ways. Not because of similar terms between the communities, but by researching experiences in their own terms. We weren't a "system." I was just an "imaginary friend." I didn't front or switch. I just occasionally "took over."

And there are a lot of OSDD/DID systems who initially mistake their headmates for imaginary friends.

While we did eventually consider DID and ruled it out, we probably wouldn’t have looked into it at all were it not for interactions with other types of systems after we found the tulpa community.

We only considered DID as an option at all because the experiences are seen as so similar, and the interaction between the communities.

It’s not hard to see DID systems drawn into the tulpa community the same way we were, looking up information on "imaginary friends" and seeing a community of people with sentient imaginary friends they can switch with, and thinking that experience lines up with their own.

Now let's say that there was this clear line you want dividing the community. Instead of the tulpa community being open to everyone, they claim that tulpamancy is a completely different unrelated thing, they don't use any system terms at all, and create an environment that generally just makes OSDD/DID systems feel unwelcome.

This hypothetical DID system doesn't have access to the perspectives of OSDD and DID systems. They're surrounded by people who have zero knowledge of OSDD/DID, with no reason to seek out information about OSDD/DID because they are convinced wholeheartedly that they already have the solution.

Surely you can see how barriers between communities make it more difficult for this system to correctly identify their experiences without anything to compare to.

But now we need to discuss the other layer of exclusionism. What happens if this system who previously identified as one thing realizes they're another? What happens to a system who doesn't fall neatly on one side of the line?

What if this DID system used tulpamancy guides to create headmates during their time in the tulpa community? These headmates, even though they're in a DID system, identify as tulpas. It's what they've always been.

In anti-endo circles, this system would be an outcast for using endo terminology; a traumagenic DID system exiled as punishment for how they choose to identify.

And this is what already happens now. For all the talk of systemhood not being an identity, how you identify is often more important to exclusionists than your experiences. A diagnosed DID system who identifies as mixed origins, a tulpamancer, or a pillowgenic system is going to find a very hostile community in exclusionist circles. Not because they don't have DID, but because of how they choose to identify the experiences of their own disorder.

But maybe this system decides to make their own community... one filled with exiles like themselves who don't fit the norms of the other communities. Now, in the alternate universe where the tulpa community adopted an exclusionist ideology, maybe tulpamancers would come after this new community, accusing them of stealing terms like "tulpa," "Wonderland," "imposition," or "partial possession."

Would the tulpa community have the right to tell this system that they can't identify by these terms they've already used to describe their experiences for years?

All of this brings me to one final point: the interchange of terminology is an inevitability.

The first non-DID/OSDD plural communities online were founded by systems who initially misidentified their experiences as those disorders and diagnosed DID systems who later rejected their diagnosis. They kept those terms because they were already part of their identities during a time when it was believed the only way to experience plurality was DID.

I imagine similar circumstances might have brought terms like "fictive" and "factive" to the plural community from Soulbonders, or "doubles" from the otherkin community.

People who misidentify as one thing (or experience multiple) will take that language with them because it becomes part of their identity. There are DID systems who discovered their plurality in the tulpa community, and created headmates who identify as being tulpas. That part isn't a hypothetical.

Trying to fight against the interchange of terminology between communities is like trying to stop the tide from rising, or trying to keep the Sun from setting in the sky. It's not a battle that you can win, and you'll more likely just hurt people from trying.

If you take the viewpoint that endogenic plurality exists, then endogenic systems will confuse themselves for traumagenic systems and vice versa, and then they'll often keep using the same terms once they discover themselves. Gatekeeping will only reduce knowledge and make it more difficult to learn what type of system you actually are. It will also continue to hurt trauma-affected systems who don't fall neatly into the appropriate boxes.

If you take the viewpoint that all endogenic systems are traumagenic systems in denial, then this gatekeeping makes even less sense because any OSDD/DID term is theirs by default, regardless of if they remember the trauma that caused their system.

And before anyone says anything, this obviously isn't to say that there shouldn't be OSDD/DID-exclusive spaces. These obviously need to exist, because there are differences in the experiences.

Although I personally believe it's important for these spaces to not be exclusionist, but rather focus on selective inclusivity. Because there isn't always a clear line and a DID system should be able to feel safe and secure in DID spaces even if they identify as mixed origin systems, tulpamancers, or pillowgenic systems. How you define your own identity should never determine whether you're allowed to feel safe in communities made to help people with your disorder.

#syscourse #endogenic #plural #plurality #plural system #endogenic system #actually plural #actually endogenic #tulpa #multiplicity #system #systems #system stuff

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raven-at-the-writing-desk · 2 years

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It look like grim overblot happens(or happened(?) If time loop theory is correct) in the mirror champer so do you think grim will ocerblot immediately after eating malleus black stone or will something trigger him causing his over blot form (also are the human hands from the dawrf in the mines ?)

I'm so excited but I need to find a new hyper fixations for my adhd brain will waiting for chap 7

Now that I think about it, it might be that Grim Overblots due to a combination of eating Malleus’s OB stone and the negative emotions he experiences because of Yuu leaving. I say this because I recall in the prologue that Crowley asks the Mirror of Darkness to return Yuu back home; it could be that they’re in the Mirror Chamber again so Yuu can officially return to their own world.

After everything they’ve been through together, suddenly his closest friend is leaving him behind and he can’t do anything to stop it. He’ll also likely never see them ever again. He won’t even be able to communicate with them all the way in another world. Yeah, he might have Ace and Deuce, but they aren’t replacements for Yuu. And what’s going to happen after Grim graduates? Who will he have by his side if Yuu isn’t? That’s got to hurt a lot.

I’ve seen this same theory being presented as the reasoning for why Malleus Overblots, but I think it would make a lot more sense for Grim. Throughout the story, it’s made pretty clear that Grim and Yuu are close friends (far stronger ones than Malleus and Yuu are, I would argue). Malleus had like... maybe 5ish direct interactions with Yuu in the main story, and their conversations were often extremely brief. That’s not to say Malleus and Yuu’s friendship isn’t important, but their intimacy just pales in comparison to Grim and Yuu’s.

Grim was the first person Yuu met in Twisted Wonderland, and they’ve been together ever since. They are literally each others’ other half, sharing the spot of a student at NRC. They roomed, studied, and experienced so much with one another. They went through many things that only they would know about, things that didn’t involve Ace or Deuce (see: various events, as well as the whole kidnapping incident in chapter 4, reuniting in STYX HQ in chapter 6, etc.). They’ve spent so much time together, whether directly told to us or implied.

Chapter 6 in particular really shows us how much Yuu and Grim care for each other. Yuu was willing to break into a highly guarded and secretive facility to rescue Grim, despite not having any magic or particularly special skills of their own to aid in the operation. As for Grim, the first thing he does when he wakes up in STYX HQ is look to see if anyone else is there—and when he realizes he’s all alone, he breaks down and cries. This is significant because (as you’ll recall), it parallels Yuu’s experience first waking up in Twisted Wonderland (the major difference being that Grim has no one there for him in this instance). He cries again and apologizes for striking Yuu when he happily reunites with them. After being in an unfamiliar environment all alone for who knows how long, he see Yuu—just like at the very start of their story.

It just makes a lot more sense to me for Grim to Overblot because he has to come to terms with saying good-bye forever 😔

I think the components of the chimera OB can be broken down like this:

Lace around the eyes from Riddle

Shaggy mane from Leona

Tentacles from Azul

Snake tail from Jamil

Puff sleeves from Vil

Fire from Idia (hard to say, because Grim hasn’t been shown to have eaten Idia’s OB stone; it’s not clear if he had one because his body burns up blot fast. Grim was, however, choking on Ortho’s memory chip, which seems to have been where the blot collected based on the images we saw before Idia’s OB.)

Wings from Malleus

Hands from OB in the Abandoned Mines (?)

There will probably be plenty of TWST content (both official and fanmade) for you to enjoy while you wait for the chapter 7 main story updates! ^^

#Grim #Dire Crowley #Malleus Draconia #twst theory #twst theories #spoilers #twisted wonderland theories #twisted wonderland theory #notes from the writing raven

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prongsandhisfoot · 2 years

Text

“Poor old Snuffles,” said Ron, breathing deeply. “He must really like you, Harry. . . . Imagine having to live off rats.”

Thank you @padfootastic for talking about this chapter because I haven’t read it in a while and it’s wonderful! Padfoot Returns, GoF ch. 27.

There’s three things that really come through here:

1) Sirius’s love for Harry.

It’s clear throughout the series that Sirius and Harry care for each other deeply, but it’s definitely the most explicit (from Sirius’s side) here. Sirius coming all the way there to see him, being so worried (thoughtful!) about Harry’s situation, just the things he says in general...it’s wonderful, and really heartbreaking.

2) Sirius’s thoughtfulness.

I’d like to apologize for the times I’ve insisted Sirius wasn’t thoughtful in the past. He certainly was. Obviously, there are quite a few times he isn’t thoughtful in the slightest, but that’s more of a in-the-moment situation than a trait. Ser vs estar. He was incredibly thoughtful with his dealings with Harry, with his commentary on Crouch and Winky and Snape, and with his answers in general. Sirius made the connections with what happened at the World Cup that no one else did. It’s quite an interesting conversation given how a conversation of equals between kids and adults doesn’t happen very often in the books. Sirius valued the comments of all three children and they in turn valued his.

His personality was of course very different from how we see Sirius in both PoA and OOtP, but I’d argue that it isn’t a shifting of characterization/OOCness, but that his situation was incredibly different in each book. In PoA he’s mad, recently on the run, and bloodthirsty. In OOtP he’s severely depressed. In GoF Sirius is at his most stable, and in the best environment for his mental health he could be in his situation. (Caves and rats > 12 Grimmauld!) This is shown how there’s a shift in responsibility through the conversation. Harry begins by expecting PoA Sirius and taking charge as the more responsible figure; worried about Sirius’s safety. It ends with a sharp contrast in Sirius being the responsible figure; worried about Harry’s safety. The shift is shown again in OOtP because it’s once again Harry feeling responsible for Sirius and Sirius doing a pretty good job letting Harry down. But in GoF, Sirius was incredibly thoughtful, and through what we’re told of young!Sirius + how that was Sirius in a good mental state, thoughtful Sirius seems to be the pre-Azkaban, “normal” Sirius. Cool, brilliant, and thoughtful.

3) Azkaban.

It’s not groundbreaking, but what Sirius says about Azkaban, the Ministry, and Crouch made for a clear-cut scene of how the post-war jailings played out. It’s worth a read for understanding; it was Death Eaters in general, not just Sirius, that weren’t given trials. His miscarriage of justice wasn’t exceedingly special. That people lose the will to live and even stop eating in Azkaban is another important detail. Sirius’s description of Crouch Sr. and even Jr. are also very interesting, and Sirius’s viewpoint was clearly far more nuanced than people tend to give him credit for.

#sirius black #harry potter #goblet of fire #harry potter meta #maybe idrk what a meta is

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ciceroprofacto · 2 years

Text

Baron von Steuben and the theme of Madness in SOA

I doubt anyone will ever ask about this, but I think it’s important to break down John’s conversation with Steuben at the end of 18 because it’s so important to the plot and I left things happening off-screen that I wanted to put in a couple ficlets, but at this rate probably never will, so-

“When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? Perhaps to be too practical is madness. To surrender dreams — this may be madness. Too much sanity may be madness — And maddest of all: to see life as it is, and not as it should be!”

Meta under the cut

Over the course of SOA, the label ‘Madness’ will get transposed over three concepts: love, war, and politics. Those concepts will be necessarily blended and layered over each other, and it’ll get more and more murky which concept the characters are referring to.

It first came up in regards to love circa chapter 12-

“In war we fear what will happen when we meet the enemy- what he will do to us. In love, we fear ourselves and when we will part- what we will do to ourselves.” “You make it sound like madness...” There’s a taunting lilt in Hamilton’s voice that tells me he’s smiling while he says this, laughing, but I think if I looked, I’d see the veneer, how much truth he tries to tuck away in his tone. Lafayette laughs anyway, “Only if you try to avoid it.”

I bolded Lafayette’s dialogue because ‘we fear ourselves’ is what Madness has meant to John and Alex in regards to Love for the first 15 chapters of the story. They were full of their own inhibitions around the concept- around the moral connotation of physical intimacy or the personal commitment to vulnerability.

Here’s a romance arc summary post for reference.

After John recognizes that he can’t choose to not pursue his feelings- that resisting is more destructive to him than any consequences that could come of them (including death), he starts referring to this view of Love as Madness in the past tense, and usually to accuse Alex of being fearful towards the concept.

So, Lafayette’s correction to Alex in chapter 12 defines what Madness in Love comes to mean in the story.

Now- John made that development in himself by himself, but Steuben played a major role in giving him the space to do so. Throughout their interactions, John’s been focused on ensuring that the Army can use Steuben’s military expertise to its greatest potential. He’s duty-driven towards that goal, and Steuben respects it and has accepted the help in every way he could.

But, at the same time- while John’s there advising and helping him, Steuben’s office has a very-specific environment that’s very different from working in Washington’s office. They spend just as much time talking about philosophy and poetry and gossip as they do on work. Caty comes over and distracts them whenever she can and Steuben encourages it. Their interests as people are valuable and aren’t immediately assessed as possible weapons for the cause. The underlying message is that their humanity is more important than their utility.

And, while a major feature of John’s humanity is out on display during the Enslin trial, it’s not just a matter of the camp condemning sodomy, but it’s an indictment of the concept of men being physically-intimate with each other. To John- it’s an indictment of his heart- of who he’s capable of loving, and he’s angry and frustrated and ashamed- and ashamed of that shame. But, Steuben is there again and again to encourage him in the other direction. John doesn’t deserve the ways he condemns himself. This isn’t about him. How he feels isn’t this.

John’s grown so much during this arc and through this exposure to community that; when he approaches Alex at the end of 16 to properly confess that he doesn’t just want to be partners, he wants to be lovers, and Alex replies by confessing that he’s been manipulating his career throughout their relationship; John has the confidence in himself to recognize that Alex is using that fact to dodge vulnerability and basically come back and say “so what- you fell for me anyway.”

So what does this have to do with Madness?

The conversation between Steuben and John at the end of 18 defines Steuben’s philosophy of Madness and Sanity and recognizes the shift that’s taken place. Predictably- it’s a direct reference to the Don Quixote quote that kicked off the chapter and which Steuben’s referencing during their conversation.

“Perhaps to be too practical is madness. To surrender dreams — this may be madness. Too much sanity may be madness — And maddest of all: to see life as it is, and not as it should be!”

Steuben is familiar with both John and Alex’s backstories. It’s a fact that’s been an endless source of discomfort for John, recognizing that Steuben seems to know things about Alex’s thoughts and beliefs that he doesn’t, and unsure how much he knows about him at any given moment. This vibe comes from two off-screen conversations-

A conversation with Henry Laurens ~early February timeframe~ while staying with him in York on his way to meet Congress in which Henry expressed his concern for John after getting his response back, “You asked me, my Dear Father what bounds I have set to my desire of serving my Country in the Military Line. I answer glorious Death, or the Triumph of the Cause in which I am engaged.”

A conversation about personal ambition with Alex in which Steuben recognizes that he doesn’t seem happy with the way that Washington employs him- that he’s right to want to be recognized and properly-employed, not sent on impossible errands anytime Washington is afraid his reputation might suffer from failure.

From those conversations, Steuben knows them on a pretty deep level already. Alex wants power over his own life, and John wants to be the perfect citizen. Alex is motivated by a desire for self-sufficiency, and that’s filtered through his investment in the war and his keen awareness of the social structure of the society he lives in. John is motivated by his intrinsic need to be Good filtered through his investment in the war and his lifelong embroilment in public duties as colonial aristocracy.

So, breaking down the conversation, it plays out like this:

Steuben posits that, despite the fact that we all play parts in our day to day lives, we should be genuine to ourselves because we can’t keep up an act all the time, and sometimes we promise more than we can give.

Then, he recognizes John’s role as the bayard as an act. He admits that it’s an important role for the times they’re in and he says that John is the ideal person to fill that role. He steps closer to him and starts undoing his cravat where John has hidden hickeys from his night with Alex, revealing the truth of John’s sexuality in this safe place, while recognizing him as the ideal role model for American valor.

And then he drops this whopper that has John understandably confused and in tears:

“I believe you are lucky. Your vision of the world as it should be is as close to madness as any man should ever come, and you have found a friend who is so wretchedly sane he might save you. I believe, if your vision can be saved, you boys might just make that beautiful madness a reality. And that thought is exciting.”

And he’s saying a lot here.

Remember his definition of Madness:

“Perhaps to be too practical is madness. To surrender dreams — this may be madness. Too much sanity may be madness — And maddest of all: to see life as it is, and not as it should be!”

So, It’s really counterintuitive, but what Steuben’s calling ‘close to madness’, is John’s extreme sense of public duty. His sense of his place in the world and how he can serve it best.

In love- that’s being a faithful husband.

In war- that’s being an obedient and useful aide to Washington

In politics- that’s supporting his father and keeping him informed about the military’s needs.

He’s saying that John is too good at being dutiful- he’s nearly giving up on his own dreams and desires for himself.

But! He’s been lucky- he has a friend who’s secretly very selfish in that respect.

On the subject of Love, Steuben knows that John is the more-repressed of the two, and he knows that Alex has encouraged him to pursue intimacy. Which John needs to reach self-actualization.

On the subject of War, Steuben doesn’t know about it yet, but he’s right on this too- John’s plan for arming slaves and adding them to their numbers would be an effective tool in furthering the ideal of Liberty they’re rallying people around, but he’s held back by his duty as a son not to mangle his father’s standing. Meanwhile, Alex sees the idealistic vision that John has, he sees the reservations that John has, and he suggested bolder methods that wouldn’t require John’s father’s support.

On the subject of Politics, Steuben knows that Alex hides his ambitions because they’d be hindrances to his autonomy on Washington’s staff, but now- with John’s social standing and support, and Alex’s ambition and John’s idealism make a heady mix.

And then, Steuben asserts that- if John can manage to serve his public duties like he’s aiming for now without destroying himself or deadening himself, he’ll be the perfect citizen he’s hoping to be.

#I hope this is at least somewhat coherent #that line's been bothering me for awhile because it was supposed to convey so much meaning #but I'd never successfully defined that meaning for myself #chapter 18 #SOA #SOA meta

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