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dracocheesecake · 4 months

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Can you write a drunk Kai fic?

Can I?! 👀

Warning: Some foul language, drunkenness, slightly suggestive innuendo

It was a nice night out: clear skies, the moonlight nothing short of inviting. The lanterns of the nearby town glowed warmly, red and yellow, beckoning the weary soldier forth to partake in what it had to offer. You just had to go out.

That was how Oogway had justified it to Kai, though really, he didn't need an excuse; for one who usually fussed so much over his rank, he never did miss an opportunity for drinks and women. Oogway barely had to say anything before Kai tossed aside the weapons he had been polishing and strolled out of the tent they shared with a small bag of money, bouncing it lightly in one hoof.

"Drinks on me," was all he said- and who was Oogway to refuse such an offer?

A few drinks in, though, he was starting to have his regrets. He counted from recent memory how many shots they had each taken from the clay jug set on their table. For himself: two. For Kai: four.

It was cheap huangjiu, and possibly even watered down. Oogway wasn't even feeling tipsy yet. Kai had had only four shots, and none too quick in succession of each other; He couldn't have gotten that drunk so quickly, not with his size, especially with their meal.

Oogway gently picked up the jug. It was still warm, and barely empty. He swished the wine around, then glanced up at Kai again. He was giggling to himself, a wide smile plastered on his face, the likes of which Oogway had never before seen from him. He chattered more than ever, too, apparently about nothing in particular- probably the heifers sitting not far from them- Oogway was too worried to notice.

He now had a problem on his hands. The longer he spent with Kai, the more apparent it became. They had leave, yes, but only for a certain time; they needed to be back to relieve their compatriots of the morning patrol before too long, and if they didn't show up at time- or showed up drunk, unable to serve- the punishment would be severe.

Oogway took the jug and subtly poured the rest of its contents into a potted plant nearby. Kai hadn't noticed- when he finally tore his eyes off the women in the bar, he just picked up the empty jug and tried to pour it into his cup. His brow furrowed in consternation. He tried a few more times, then peeked into the jug. He looked up at Oogway, with such an inappropriately woebegone expression that Oogway nearly burst into laughter.

"Where did the wine go?" He asked.

Oogway choked back his chortles. "...You drank it all, Kai," he said.

The bull blinked. "I did?"

"Yep. Every drop. Now let's head back. We've done what we came here to do, and we still have patrol. Maybe the walk will sober you up."

Kai snorted, that dopey smile returning. "I'm not drunk. Night's young. Lighten up. Besides, we haven't done everything there's to do yet."

That grin became a little more salacious, and he tossed his head towards a small group of heifers seated at a table nearby.

"What do you think?"

"I think we need to get going before the sergeant finds out we're not at our posts."

Kai glanced at Oogway, and his eyes widened. For one hopeful moment, he thought that maybe he had finally gotten through to him- a hope that was quickly dashed.

"Of course! You probably don't like heifers, huh? I don't know what you prefer."

He grinned again, then leaned over the table until Oogway could smell the faint hint of alcohol on his breath. His voice lowered into a conspiratorial whisper (or what Kai probably thought was a whisper).

"What do you like, Oogway? Anyone here catch your eye? Maybe that croc over there with the long tail, or that turtle with the nice curve to her shell, hmmm?"

He winked, and Oogway felt both abashed and annoyed at the same time. He rolled his eyes and pushed Kai so that he slumped back into his seat. The bull giggled, stomping his hooves. Oogway sighed and pinched the space between his brows. Already a headache was forming.

"We're getting you out of here," he grumbled under his breath, "with luck, by the time I drag your ass back to camp the sun will only be just beginning to rise."

He got up and grabbed Kai's arm, then somehow managed to get him out of the bar. They were standing in the street, and Oogway turned to him, about to grab him and resume the attempt to get back, but then Kai suddenly grabbed his face.

Oogway at first froze, confused. Then Kai started squeezing his face between the clefts on his hooves that acted as his forefinger and thumb.

"...I've never noticed before," he said, "but you're really squishy. What's up with that?"

He pulled on Oogway's cheeks, pinched them, squeezed them again, and continued to pull them. "Soooooooo squishy. OH!"

His eyes widened. "That's what the shell's for!" He released Oogway's face and then knocked on the shell, sending reverberations down his spine.

"PROTECT THE SQUISHY PARTS!" Kai laughed boisterously, then nearly lost his footing and stumbled back. Oogway reached for him, but Kai caught himself, leaning forward and putting his weight on Oogway. He chuckled.

"What d'ya need armor for, dumbass? You already have some!" Then he cackled again.

At this point, bending a little under Kai's weight, Oogway contemplated just whopping his ass and leaving him here, damn the consequences; but then he remembered that he was his friend, and he actually liked him too much (when he was sober) to see him face corporal punishment.

Or embarrassment. There was another band of soldiers, people they knew from their regimen, just coming down the street. If they saw Kai like this, as a drunken fool, he would never live it down. Without thinking, he shoved the yak into a runoff ditch in the side of the road and jumped in after him. It was dark out, and the lamps weren't that bright; if they laid low, they could get away without notice...

And then Kai burst into song.

Oogway would have been more shocked and impressed, if the timing weren't so terrible; Again, he wondered to himself why he bothered with him, and again had to appraise their budding friendship. Yet again (though with a little more effort of will this time), he recalled that he actually liked Kai. He wasn't a bad singer, either.

With that in mind, Oogway managed to drag Kai up the other side of the ditch before they were seen, and then they were in an alleyway, and from there out into a field. Conveniently, the moment they were alone was the time Kai stopped singing. He stumbled into a rice paddy, gasped, and started stomping, sending muddy water splashing everywhere.

"GAAAH! FUCK! WET!" He jumped up and immediately began clambering onto Oogway's shell- as best someone of his size could attempt on someone so much smaller than him. In other circumstances- if it had been someone else- Oogway would have laughed; now, though, being the one bearing the full, crushing brunt of Kai's weight, he failed to see the humor in it.

"It is WET, Oogway! SO WET!" Kai was saying.

Oogway tried to shrug the yak off, but he clambered up further and nearly sent them both tumbling. Oogway barely managed to set them back to rights. His legs were about to buckle, but he held on, groaning as Kai settled awkwardly on his shell.

"Yeah," he said, voice strained. "It's a rice field. It's supposed to be. Now get down from there! I'm not going to carry you."

Kai clung to him tighter and adjusted his balance. "I carry you all the time, do this one thing for me!"

"I'm not 700 pounds, Kai!"

"I'M 760!"

"Yeah- heavy!"

Kai snorted disdainfully, and a note of faint sobriety came through. "You're just weak! See, this is what I get, for wasting my time on a scrap of-"

Oogway chuckled and slapped the back of Kai's thigh. "There, see? You're sobering up some. Good. Maybe that means you can walk yourself." His legs were shaking under him, but he was holding out.

Kai grunted and started squirming. "DID YOU JUST SLAP MY ASS, MOTHERFUCKER? DO I LOOK LIKE A HOR-"

Kai overbalanced himself, and Oogway helped, gladly ridding himself of the burden. Kai flipped, landing on his back in the rice patty with a loud, harsh, wet slap. Now Oogway did laugh, finally- but not for long. It fell to him once more to get Kai up and onto his hooves, and the trek began again. This time Kai, perhaps humbled by the mudbath, remained blissfully silent.

By some miracle they had arrived to the outer perimeters, and by another only just managed to get in right on time to relieve their compatriot. But the night was not yet over- their superior would be over at some point, to check to see that they were both awake and at their posts; if they could just manage that, then would the ordeal finally be over.

Oh, but nothing could be that simple, could it? Snoring sounded off to his right, snoring he had begun to recognize, since he and Kai had been forced to share a tent. He turned, but Kai was standing on his feet. He couldn't have been the source of the sound; and yet, there could be no mistake.

Oogway furrowed his brow. The lamps were dim here, and spaced out far, allowing them a good swath of darkness where they were. Kai was standing, yes, but he was leaning on his heels, and his head was lolling back on his shoulders. He reached up to shake him, just to see...

"Attention!"

Oogway jumped and immediately turned to salute to their superior officer. The rhino seemed to be glaring down at them suspiciously- but then Oogway remembered that it was quite dark out, and that was just his usual expression, besides. Even still, he prayed to the gods to have mercy, and not let him pay close attention. Oogway saw him turn his head sharply towards Kai, and then he realized in a panic that Kai, being asleep still, hadn't saluted.

Oogway surreptitiously reached over and puppeted Kai's elbow, jerking his arm in a way that would hopefully pass as a salute in the dark. It worked; their superior officer let out a pleased snort and nodded towards them.

"Very good," he said, "keep this vigilance up, and the two of you will go far. At ease, soldiers."

Then he turned on his heel and left. Only then did Oogway breathe out a sigh of relief. For the rest of the watch, he let Kai doze off, and took full advantage of the luxury of silence. He watched as the world lightened into gray around them, and a thin sliver of sun began to peek over the horizon. The shadow of a fellow soldier was coming over to relieve them, and only then did Oogway venture to wake Kai.

He nudged him so he almost tipped over. "Kai, wake up."

Kai stumbled, snorting, then looked at Oogway, blinking slowly. "Hrm?"

"Come on. Let's go to bed."

Kai yawned and nodded, rubbing his eyes. "Bed...? Hrm?...Sure, sounds good." He yawned again, stumbled, and then caught himself. Oogway then realized that Kai still wasn't entirely sober.

He sighed and took his arm, the dried mud from the rice patties crumbling into his palm where it wasn't completely matted in Kai's fur- but he could worry about getting him clean later. Right now, he just wanted to sleep. He guided them both through the maze of tents until finally finding their own, and he pushed Kai inside before going in himself. After that, he didn't bother with him anymore; he flopped onto his cot and retreated into his shell, ready to forget the world in hard-earned slumber.

But then he felt Kai's weight land heavily next to him, and then one of his arms laid over his shell and pulled him in close. At first Oogway could only lay there, paralyzed by confusion- and even further when Kai started making some sort of noise. It was soft, seeming to originate from deep in either Kai's belly or chest. It would start up one moment, continue in a low growl, then fade away before starting up again; but it wasn't snoring this time.

And that night, Oogway learned four things:

Kai was a light weight.

He was a cuddler.

He could sing.

And yaks purr.

#kung fu panda #kfp 3 #the old war days #when they were young and stupid #ask #thank you for the ask!#drabble #tw: language #tw: alcohol #kai #oogway #kaiway #sorry this took so long!#tried my best but still not my best work #takes place when they were still soldiers and their friendship was just beginning to bud

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