#but the first breakup wasnt this painful it really wasnt like this at all

[sick-as-a-dog]

×

#wanna know the funniest thing to come from this? #i just realized that during the first relationship i wasnt really in love #or maybe it stopped or it somehow became just traumabonding somewhere along the way idk #but the first breakup wasnt this painful it really wasnt like this at all #sad for sure but nowhere near this amount of agony #but my mate was different i think he was the first i really truly fell in love with #this hurts more than anything else ive been through #all the shit ive been through all the endless abuse i grew up with and was put through all of my life #all the bruises and trauma and scars are nothing compared to the agonizing devistating gaping pain spreading through me rn #i want my mate back i want this to fuckig end i desperately want to die just to escape all of this #the horrible realization that the anxiety and paranoia were fucking right and not just some bpd fuelled worries #that him calling himself aro maybe WAS a warning of this happening after all and i shouldnt have trusted when he said im his exception #the fear that hes going to slowly leave just like the first one did because tbh its unavoidable and understandable #this pain that just wont stop and will never stop because why the hell would it stop im losing my best friend and love of my life #we couldve worked through it if he just didnt give up why did he give up why didnt he want to try literally anything else before this why #he gave up so i probably should too but idk how idk why i cant just fucking give up like he did whats wrong with me #why did this one have to be so much more painful than the previous one even if hes swearing to stay? was everything just lies after all?why

[elsplaything]

touch me\ellie williams

toxic!ellie x fem!reader

ellie cheated on u & this is the breakup sex angst, smut, oral (r!recieving), strap usage (r!recieving), crying (both r! and ellie), ANGST!!!!!!! cheating, etcetc a/n: this is my first fanfic so feeling a lil nervous... hope you enjoy :) (a little death - the neighbourhood inspired this)

you and ellie had been broken up for almost two months. you were the one to do it, as you caught ellie with a girl at a party, whom she said to ‘not to worry about.' her fingers were down that girls throat on that couch and you saw it with your own eyes. she was a fucking liar.

ellie had always been popular with the girls on campus, but you never worried about it because you were hers, as she would say, and she made you believe you were enough. boy was she wrong.

she begged and begged for days after you broke up, so much that eventually you had to block her number. "i messed up so badly baby, please, i cant go on without you." she was helpless, couldn't eat or sleep after you left her. she was a complete mess, dina told you that she couldn't even get out of her bed to shower for two straight weeks. all of her soaps smelled like you, her bedsheets did too, that's why she couldn't leave them.

you loved ellie more than anyone ever could. she was your entire world.. until she wasnt.

all of the trust you had for that woman was shattered.

you jolted out of your thoughts as your apartment door was being slammed on. it was two a.m., you were sitting in one of ellie's old band tees on your bed, just about to fall asleep...

bang bang bang

"fuck.." you muttered as you got up quietly, grabbing your lamp from the side table as a weapon. you had no idea who could be psychotically banging on your door at this hour..

you quickly turned the knob, opening the door and about to swing on the unsuspecting mass murder, but

you're met with ellie. a very disheveled ellie; hair cut in a very messy shag, her sweatshirt hanging off her skinny frame, sweat glistening on her forehead. she was panting like a dog, maybe because she ran all the way here…

"ellie- what the fuck are you doing?!" you dropped the lamp at your surprise, growing angry at her for being here when you specifically told her you never wanted to see her again.

"i-i'm sorry, fuck. can i come in?" her voice was raspy and low, and you noticed how her eyes were sunken in and the color was drained from her face. she looked awful.

against your better judgement, you let her in and sat her down on your couch.

you stood in front of her, making her look up to you. she looked at you with a certain yearning that you've never seen from her before.

your eyebrows quirked up, waiting for ellie to tell you why she was here.

"i cant do this anymore." she said bluntly, eyebrows furrowing as she chewed on her bottom lip as she always did when she was nervous. "i cant live like this, knowing you hate me because of what i did. it's my fault, i know, and i never should've let that girl climb on top of me like that..." she looked down at her hands which were fiddling on her lap.

she took a deep breath, "i just needed to look at you one more time. to hear you one more time…”

your heart pained as you saw your ellie, broken in front of you. she was never like this, always cracking jokes and getting all cheeky around you. she would never show this side to you, even when you asked how she really felt. this felt so surreal, she was actually being honest for once.

tears brimmed her eyes once she finally looked back up to your standing form. "one last time. then i'll leave you alone, i promise."

you brought your hand up to cup her cheek, a tear rolled down her freckled skin as she shut her eyes and leaned into your touch.

"touch me," she whispered, "please."

you knew this would be the last time with ellie. you didn't seem to have enough time, it felt, as you slammed your lips onto hers harshly while pulling her up off the couch. she moaned into your mouth as her hands clung to your hips, pushing you back into your bedroom. she knew your apartment like the back of her hand.

your hands strung into her short hair, pulling at her roots as she pushed you against the wall.

you pulled at her sweatshirt, making her pull her head back and ask "are you sure?" breathlessly. her eyebrows furrowed with worry as she didnt want to do anything for you to regret. you already regretted so much with her..

you nodded and kissed her again, not wanting to think about anything except her lips and the ache between your legs.

she began to take your her shirt off, sighing at your body underneath. god, she loved every curve of your stomach, every mark on your skin. she had your entire body memorized, every soft spot and every tick.

ellie bent and started to kiss down your stomach, not stopping until she got to your inner thighs. she kissed your clothed cunt, earning a whimper from you from above. her favorite fucking sound.

her fingers slowly dragged your panties down to the floor, she kissed all the way back up in an attempt to savor the moment, which was going by way too fast for her liking.

"els.. please-" you whined as you grew impatient, wanting her to satisfy you as she was the only one who knew how.

"right here, baby, im right here." she said, moving her mouth onto your ache. her tongue swirled throughout your folds, finally making its way to your clit. she sucked harshly on the bud, making your hands move to her hair to pull harshly. you knew it always turned her on when you pulled her hair-- she moaned into your pussy at the action.

her entire body was tingling. she needed to be inside you, to feel your inner walls that she loved so much.

your moans grew louder as she worked her tongue into you, and soon enough you both moved to the bed with her on top of you. "god, you're so fucking pretty." she said while looking down at your pretty flushed face.

her hands roamed your body, never getting enough. your eyes brimmed with tears as you recalled your first time with her, she was so nervous. she kept asking 'is this okay?' 'can i touch you here?' 'am i going too hard?'

it was hard to keep your composure as the love of your life was no longer yours.

ellie kissed away your tears as she fucked into you, whispering her sweet nothings like she always did. your face was buried in the crook of her neck as her strap thrusted deep inside; she hit your soft spot with every single thrust every. single. time.

your orgasm was creeping up, and she knew. "not yet baby-- need you to hold on just a little longer." she kissed your head and fucked harder, making you scream out into her shoulder.

"let me see you." she breathed out. you lifted your head from her shoulder, looking up at her with your glassy, red eyes. your lips were red and swollen from the crying, making them perfectly kissable to her. you really were so fucking pretty, even in your fucked-out-crying state. you always looked beautiful under her, she thought.

your eyes clamped shut and your mouth fell open, indicating your release. loud moans and harsh thrusting was all ellie could hear. you yelled out her name in a tone so pornographic that ellie almost came just from your voice.

"fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckellieohmygodFUCK"

"shh pretty girl. i got you." she calmed you down, stroking your head as she moved you on top of her so she could hold you fully. she was about to pull out, but you whined, "nono, stay inside. please." ellie didnt move an inch. you didnt want her to leave, didnt want to feel that emptiness from before.

her head leaned up against your headboard as she held you, just admiring your sleepy state. she too felt exhausted, for it seemed that she could only get fully rested when you were holding her. she hadnt slept comfortably in more than two months.

she held onto you tightly because she knew this wouldnt last. that, in the morning, she would be gone before you wake up. her girl, fast asleep on her chest, looking so peaceful. she watched your head rise and fall with her chest, and she's never felt more in love with you then in that moment.

god, she fucked up so bad.

#ellie williams #the last of us #ellie x reader #ellie williams x female reader #ellie the last of us #ellie williams x you #ellie williams fluff #ellie tlou #ellie williams smut #tlou smut #tlou fic #tlou x reader #the last of us x reader #x reader

[maygrcnt]

I so appreciate the bucktaylor breakup scene but if I had to choose I’m an eddieana breakup scene girlie through and through. Everything about that scene from the setup (Eddie’s panic attacks at the thought of being with Ana as a family, not acknowledging her when she came to the station like I feel bad for her but it was just nwah) to the writing, the cinematography (so different in vibe and mood than theirs usual stuff), the choreography of their movements, the dialogue, the acting, just everything!!! That for me was the best chemistry they had together and the implications of Eddie’s dialogue and the way Ryan delivered it were just insane and totally convinced me of queer/gay Eddie. The way it starts with Eddie, ana, and Chris sitting at the table in a very mundane sort of way and Chris and Ana just doing this regular thing but you can see in Eddie’s face somethings not right and you can also tell Ana feels the tension but is choosing to ignore it and be in her perfect bubble and idk I just felt the tension just oozing through the screen and the moment eddie dropped the “maybe you should go home first” it was like okay okay this is getting intense. And then Ana pacing through the kitchen trying to overcompensate and clean and ignore and Eddie getting trying to get her to listen AH!! And the way at the end she was trying to embrace Eddie but he was still so stiff in their last moments together Eddie just could not give into her touch or even let her easily touch him …. Ryan also has a very pretty sad/in pain face so yeah that was also a good perk but it was just so good and something I didn’t expect at all because their relationship felt very empty and underdeveloped so I thought their breakup would be fairly swift and quick. that’s another reason I just feel the queer/gay energy was often the charts because there was no reason their breakup needed to be the way it was with the kind of build it had (the breakup build up was more intense than the relationship build up itself). but it was just so pivotal for me in Eddie’s story and you could tell it wasn’t really about the relationship ending or Ana and Eddie it was really about Eddie (that’s also why I absolutely hate the Marisol stuff because it feels very unlike Eddie even if he is still repressed it’s just no him)

no i understand this so much because eddieana breakup is genuinley art and probably the most real and raw exploration of eddies character this show has ever done. all that to say, bucktaylor breakup is just funny and i love unintentionally funny scenes. like we start with buck PERCHED on the stairs like fucking batman, scary as HELL. and then buck is breaking up with HER as if HE wasnt the one who just cheated like taylor girl stand up im begging you. and then ending on, what i believe to be just as good of a like as maybe you should go home first: "a clean slate" "just not together" (off topic but did anyone else get flashbacks to this line durring the eddie marisol moving out scene?) its so funny but i also love it in a sincere way. it would be a lot more impactful if everything buck said wasnt imediately negated by his subsequent relationship but whatever.

#sorry for yapping im tired

[second-string-loser]

Second Chance is, and always has been, a rina song. Heres Why:

So second chance came on my shuffle the other day and for the first time I actually listened to the song like, thoroughly. And I'm genuinley in awe of how the verses actually foreshadow the arcs of each characters season three much, much better than they do season two. so heres an analysis of the entire song that took way too much time:

Verse One-

Right of the bat, ricky's line here is so rina coded its not even funny. at the time of the season two finale it wasn't totally clear what these lines meant, but as soon as season three gave us "can we just start over" it became clear that this line is obviously about Rina starting over, getting their second chance. Specifically from rickys side, because gina always gave it her all but ricky is the one who needed the second chance to prove that he cares about this relationship.

Now Nini's verse is not difficult at all to interpret. Shes leaving to go follow her dreams... thats it good talk.

Verse 2-

When it comes to EJ, we know that this boy values gina as a person in his life so so much. his verse to me really reads as an EJ in hindsight of the breakup. Misreading the signs obviously had a meaning in season two, but also has a lot of weight in the lens of portwells season three miscommunication. I think this line hints at the fact that EJ is going to feel tons of remorse over the way things ended with Gina and that he will (hopefully) truly show that he can become a better guy soon.

Ginas verse was honestly very confusing to me for a while, i wasnt sure what it was saying. But this post by the lovely @blues-valentine finally got it to me! For season two gina, ricky is the scary option. he has put her through hell at this point and even though he is avalible now, shes not willing to risk that pain again. so she puts her walls back up, and she chooses the safer option: EJ. This frames ej as the temporary option, the one she chooses when shes on the run, they were never written to be permanent.

Post Chorus-

The post chorus is interesting because for 3/4 of them its just repeating the line from their verse that summarizes their main point the best. Self discovery for nini, a new chance for ricky, and a temporary fix for gina. But this line isn't in EJs verse at all! The only one to sing something different than their previous solo. To me this is showing us how EJ keeps finding himself in this cycle of similar relationships that he thinks are supposed to work out but never do. I would put a lot of money on the idea that in season four, EJ will find himself in an unexpected romance somewhere he never thought hed find it. He needs to break the cycle in order to really grow. yeah that sounds pretty gay i know but i promise i didnt mean that it had to be gay. i sure would like it to be though

Chorus-

The chorus gets repeated a lot through the song, but this one is the one that shows what it really means in terms of the songs message. Nini is finally getting her second chance to fly, now that she is free of the reigns that her relationship was putting on her. EJ truly does have nothing ahead of him but another chance to fall... and fall he does. (its worth noting his tone here is so defeated and broken though, like he really doesnt want to fail but its an inevitability of this relationship just because of the circumstance). Gina is desperate to know "what can make the tide turn" aka what does she have to do to just not get hurt! And ricky.... well ricky wants to know how to get the spark he once had with gina back and better than ever. These are the lines that actually show us what each characters second chance truly is.

And finally... These are the parts of the song that to me REALLY set up the season three love triangle, and also foreshaddow the rina endgame of it all.

With the final chorus, ej and ricky have their own adlib lines that make it so. damn. clear. how this all is going to end up. the way ej says "it was just another chance to fall" is so definite, so sure. its clear that this is NOT just speaking about the little miscommunication that pw had in season two. its saying that the relationship as a whole was ALWAYS just another chance for ej to fall. and the pure desperation in "what does it take" just shows the way that ricky NEVER gave up on gina, even when it seemed like he did. and hes willing to do whatever he can to make gina happy, even if it means letting her go.

and finally, even though we've already spelled out how the entire love triangle is going to play out, we close the song by leaving one character behind and moving on with the three whos journeys we will continue to see throughout the rest of the show.

#hsmtms #rina #long post #ej caswell #gina porter #ricky bowen

[cowboyjen68]

Hi Cowboy Jen, i adore your blog and appreciate your thoughtful answers.

Im a young adult lesbian and recently went through a break up. It was my first love, we were together for a long time and lived together. Although I know it was for the best, and im so much happier and healthier in lots of ways, there is a lot of very bad and weird feelings and i cant stop thinking of her. I cant stop thinking of the potential relationship of what could have been, and what we both deserved from each other. And thinking about how i could now give it to her if 1.) she understood and wasnt so angry and mad and 2.) she tried to heal and change her unhealthy behaviors. I know these r not likely.

I guess what I am looking for is reassurance that this will pass. My life is wonderful but the loss is so profound. i cant imagine going through life with just more losses like this piling up.

I would love some validation that it is okay that i am still thinking of her, its only been a few months but i want time to grieve, while society tells me to move on. I feel guilty and weak for still caring, but at the same time it only feels right to grieve such a significant relationship that took up a big part of your heart and soul.

Again i reaallly appreciate that you give such care on here, like many young lesbians i dont have older women in my life to tell me that they have been through what i have and offer recognition and advice. I hope you have a wonderful week

Something my older lesbians friends have been fabulous about is showing me that things pass, love, hard times, friendships and pain. When something is fresh and feels over whelming, especially when it is the first time or you were completely unprepared to deal with it feels like a weight so heavy you want to crumble under it and you don't see a way out.

I offer you comfort as an older lesbian, that it all passes and life will get better. There is no time limit and it is okay to grieve but it is really important that you take control of that time. Don't let it become such a place of comfort that you let the sadness set the plan for your future.

I can tell you from experience that loss of love, even when you know with every fiber it was time for it to be over, is scary, hard, and makes you rethink every word, action and even your self worth. The “what ifs” can take over in your head and your heart. 

It is very important to give yourself and her space and time. Don’t force “let’s be freinds” or even seek further closure or answers. There might not be any answers and there might never be. Closure is something you give yourself. You know in your logical brain it was right and the breakup is a firm end. You can move on and do for you without question. 

My first girlfriend and I were together 7 years. I loved her and she loved me but we were not each others end all be all of love. We were a good fit for the time. Young, energetic in sex, activism and even in building a future. The future was just shorter than we could know. When she asked to break up because she had met someone else she wanted to explore time with I was grateful she did not betray me and was honest. After a wave of anger and fear I realized I was not as heart broken as I thought i would, or should be. 

We had spend the better part of our 20′s together and had a wonderful time but with the 30′s approaching we both had different goals and we had changed. At first we tried to be friends mostly because we shared dozens of mutual friends. Eventually we gave each other space, not making friends chose but bowing out here and there when the other was present at gatherings. Over the years we healed, and now, we work together and I love her and her friendship is amazing. And I know we are both thankful almost daily we didn’t stay together. Her wife is amazing and my life is wild and fulfilling. 

I have stayed in relationships too long, I have had a sort of odd love, FWB, fling, I have loved more deeply and strongly than I ever thought I could just since I hit 50. (I am 54). The ending of each relationship, good, bad, romantic or friendship is the first step into exploring something that could be better, stronger or just different. Life in love is a series of finding out what makes you happy and feel loved. Some people find it in the first, other take some trial and error. 

I promise, you will move on from this pain. Gain space and perspective with time as you move forward. It is okay to hurt and miss her and the good things. Just let that become a part of your learning not how you define your future relationship. 

Big Elder Lesbian hugs from me. You will be okay. 

#love #lesbian #break up

[astraystayastayastray]

The Middle

Pairing: fem!reader + boyfriend!idol!hyunjin

Genre: angst, breakup, hope+comfort

Song by: Zedd, Maren Morris, and Grey

Plot: When love eventually comes to an end, you find yourself constantly wanting to go back in time.. to the middle.

A/N: the song cover for this song looked just like the hyunjin arts he likes to paint

Description: Time goes by too fast. It is a foe that takes away youth, memory, and childhood. It brings regret and pain.

"Why don't you just meet me in the middle?"

DO NOT COPY WORK.

Take a seat, right over there, sat on the stairs

Stay or leave

You crumble to the floor, clutching onto your chest. The note that was once placed neatly in your room is now struggling to breathe inside of your tight fist.

I know we meant all good intentions...

But I feel like we are both continuing to drown in so much pressure and worry right now. We try to help each other, I know, but neither of us are feeling any better.

I'm sorry. You dont deserve someone like me.

You deserve to be happy and meet a person who will spend time with you every single day without leaving you in the middle of a movie because of dance practice or abandoning you at a park for a musicvideo filming.

I hope this letter will mark the end of our relationship but also a new beginning for you.

- 현진이♡

◇

Ever since you broke up with your boyfriend, you've never felt so lost, cold, and empty.

◇

You first met Hyunjin at an art museum. The two of you started talking as you both walked through the galleries and exhibits together.

He was wearing a mask and a hoodie so you had not the slightest idea it couldve been an idol - and it had to be Hyunjin too.

Sooner or later Hyunjin revealed himself and you were shocked.

But then things cooled down and you started dating.

Once or twice, you would see a camera go click or a phone tracking your every move through a video.

But you didn't mind. You had Hyunjin.

Everything you ever needed was Hyunjin.

All except that he left you.

I can't just let you go

And so here you are, in the same museum you first met the love of your life.

At the beginning everything was so clear, so beautifully intact.

Now all you can see is fog, mist, and terror crouching by every corner you turn.

You were stuck. With no way out.

You were scared.

Every single day, you would find yourself circling around the museum.

Day by day,

Week by week,

Month by month,

Hoping to pass by a person who might as well will never set foot in this country again.

Why was life so cruel?! Did it have to take every single happiness away from you?

Hyunjin, not even a text, left for another fucking tour and will not be coming back.

When someone says that their heart is broken, you have never really felt the true meaning of this phrase.

But now you do.

Your heart beats, aches, and hurts every single second for whom you loved most, the only person who has ever loved you back.

And now this story was coming to an end as well.

Now, you just want to go back to the middle of everything.

The period of time when you didn't know who Hyunjin exactly was but knew that he was the one for you.

When love wasnt a thing between you two but your heart pounded and hammered in your chest at the sight of him.

When the unfamiliar emotions of love started to blossom in your heart but you were both too shy to admit.

When the innocent confession of liking was revealed and love was introduced as a possible route forward.

The middle.

Oh, baby, why don't you just meet me in the middle?

Nothing more. Nothing less.

I'm losing my mind just a little

When you didn't know anything but knew everything.

Why don't you just meet me in the middle?

The middle of a moment in time when you and Hyunjin, hand in hand, would smile without a trace of worry or doubt.

A pause in time.. a picture film in the sunset.

In the middle.

◇

The spring leaves of your breakup smithers away and autumn fall emerges.

You take your daily evening stroll through the same museum once again.

It was still beautiful, no matter how many times you step in and out of the building. It always felt so different every time.

But this time.. you see a new painting has arrived and was hung on the wall during the weekend.

You quickly walk over to take a glance when you recognize your face is mirrored against the wall.

On the description, it read,

To my first and last love - I am coming soon.

It was definitely you in that painting..

And that art style.. could be of no one but Hyunjin's.

How could you not recognize it?

The face expressions, the quality, the paint brush techniques, the strokes - they were all so familiar to you.

Hope and panic starts to rise in your chest.

You should not be hopeful, you should not be expecting.

But here you are, twirling around and around to see if Hyunjin was anywhere.

But no, you do not see anyone.

You are alone...

Until you feel a warm body wrapping behind you into a hug so big it traps you and flushes all of your sadness and pain from your soul.

You recognize the hoodie surrounding you.. the scent.

It was the one he wrapped around your shoulders when you were cold...

It was the one he pulled over your head in your once-shared bedroom in intimate silence...

He made everything seem possible even through your darkest days.

Hyunjin

So baby

You wish you can just forget about all the things that have hurt you for the past few years..

Why don't you just meet me in the middle?

But humans cannot do that. They plan, calculate, hesitate, look back into the past, and retreat their footsteps.

I'm losing my mind just a little

Can't we go back in time?

You spin around.

Can't we go back in time?

To the middle?

When everything was fine..

When everything was beautiful...

But the face in front of you says otherwise. Through his eyes, you can see the brightest constellations tracing his every thought and every gesture.

And in those thoughts and gestures, you can see the promising image of the two of you, eventually together in a warm, loving, and eternal embrace.

Him smiling in comfort and in final peace, stroking your hair and rubbing your back.

You gazing up at him in admiration and more love than you can ever imagine someone can depict through just a glance.

The images flicker in front of your eyes and now you see an older form of you and Hyunjin who stands facing the exact same painting in front of you even after many many years.

His hand momentarily leaves yours and gently reaches for your chin. Tilting your head up a slight bit to meet his eyes with yours, the man of your life stares at you with so much kindness, care, beauty, and love.

Then, just like the painting that stands permanently engraved into your memory, Hyunjin leans forward and connects his lips with yours.

Dating an idol might be challenging..

It breaks your heart, mends it, and will shatter it back into pieces numerously again and again and again...

But you decide that you don't want anything more right now than the man in front of you.

You didn't need to go back in time to the middle in order to reach your happiness,

Happiness is inside of you, inside of Hyunjin, inside of all of us,

And it will keep continuing to grow and spread

continuously, contagiously, and endlessly.

Love is eternal.

One other is all it takes to open up the barrier and let the light shine through

To know love,

To feel loved,

And share love.

◇

Check out masterlist for more.

REBLOGS ARE APPRECIATED! THANKS FOR READING!

#Spotify #hyunjin #stray kids #straykids angst #straykids hyunjin #SoundCloud

[jaynnie-jane]

Today I have been trying to radically accept where I am at. I'm trying to qork out which parts are me, which parts are fear and which parts are hurt. Awareness is such an important part of that, being truly and painfully aware of what my life is has to be the first step.

Six months ago the person I percieved to be my partner dramatically changed. It may seem unfair to count it as a dramatic change but the change is dramatic because of what it means for me.

I realised that I never mourned the loss of that person or the life we could have had together.

What I did do was spend 4 months denying, barganning, being angry and being sad that the person infront of me wasnt the person I had loved for two and a half years.

So really, I did go through the stages of grief but I didn't think of it as mourning their loss.

I'm quite aware of the stages of grief when going through a somewhat clean breakup, I know the things I need to accept the loss of.

The last six months.. I didn't think about it like that. Instead I kept looking at the guy infront of me, this guy that loved me more than he thought possible and I kept telling him in one way or another "I prefer your dead brother but don't leave me".

Fuck me that's horrible!

The damage we did to eachother. The constant "I will love you if you are someone else" on both sides.

We were so afraid to walk away so we didnt give each other the space we need when we loose a loved one. We just kept asking each other to fix the hurt and in the process hurt each other more.

----

After re-writing the first paragraph of this I am reminded to be kind to myself. I wrote that part of acceptance is awareness and in those early months that wasn't possible as he tried so desperately to protect me from... well essentially losing the person I had loved for two years and losing the life I thought we might have had.

So now, I will finally mindfully mourn that loss. I loved you more than I thought possible. You gave me the space I needed to feel like myself. While it wasn't all roses it was damned good, most of the time. Despite my constant sickness I will always remember Lisbon with fondness.

Thank you for your encouragement for me to be more. Thank you for your patience when I was overwhelmed. Thank you for reassuring me when I doubted myself. Thank you for your excitement to share your life with me. Thank you for wanting to spend so much time with me. Thank you for trusting me with your struggles, even when it was painful that at first I didn't understand. Thank you for accepting me as I am. I love you. Goodbye.

[xx-neon]

june 12th

hi 

i wanted to start writing because i feel like itll help me in some way, ive never really said anything i think or feel. i never really say anything at all.��

if for some reason someone who isnt me reads this im sorry. itll be a lot of word vomit and just generally unpleasant so maybe dont read all of it lol. im going to try and not use lol beacuse i do that to lighten the mood.

anyway.

yesterday before i went to work i had this really strange feeling. it was this weird sense of nothingness and everything? i feel like thats how people feel before they die. like a weird calmness. i felt comfortable and okay with everything. so i felt nothing really when i googled if hanging yourself hurts, i have a rope and everything but i just wanted to make sure i wouldnt feel any more pain. in my head i thought it would be kinda like a slap to the face if i wanted to kill myself because of the pain and then the last thing i feel is pain ha. 

anyway. i got really annoyed when all the results were for the suicide helpline. numbers to call, resources, texting lines everything. i just wanted to know. but then i gave up. as usual. 

all day yesterday i was just planning on when id do it. i wanted to pick a good day. i remembered that i have to clean my apartment first, make sure my cat is fed, but then my friends birthday is coming up and i wanted to wish them a happy birthday, and i had plans to hang out with my friend, and then after that i had plans to hang out with another of my friends. i realized maybe im too busy to die and i really didn't want to disappoint anyone. so i just gave up on that thought. (i did see my friends i was supposed to see yesterday, and this guy bought my food and drinks which has never happened before which was really nice) 

idk how i got here honestly. ive tried suicide before but obviously im writing so that didnt work. but before was different. i just went for it. i didnt think about it. i didnt plan anything i just went 1,2,3 go. i mean, i know how i got here. myself. if i wasnt such a fucking people pleaser maybe I'd have enough balls to be in a better place. 

my ex and i officially broke up last week, and thats kinda where it all started. i know it sounds stereotypical but i dont want to die because of the breakup but because of the feelings that came after it. i really wanted to break up. it was my idea in the beginning. but it took him forever to just say “yeah i dont have any feelings so this is it”. it was like my ego took a flip. ive actually have never had someone say that to me. that sounds really uppity i know. but its true. in my head i thought “after all i did for you thats how you end it?”. and i really ruined my life for this guy. i quit my old job i did hate it tho, moved away from my friends and family, he got into an accident so i used all my money to take care of him and had to take off work, drove him everywhere bc he couldnt drive, etc. and what did i get in return? he cheated on me twice, treated me like shit, slammed a door in my face so hard it broke my glasses, tried to hit me. the relationship was so bad all im left with is alcoholism and an eating disorder. so honestly, good riddance. 

he left me in a really, really bad place. i have to figure out where to live now since he just up and left. i dont have enough money to live on my own anymore. tbh i dont even want to write about it since it stresses me out so much. so i wont. ive just been drinking and going out to distract myself. not from him but like i said, the feelings that came after it. i want revenge, i want peace, i want him to apologize, i want him to never do this to anyone, and i just want to die. i dont have people to talk to about this stuff, i do but, i dont want to seem like an angry ex. i just want people to see the hurt that ive been through. i just want someone to tell me its going to be okay. that what i feel is normal. that people go through this all the time. i just want comfort. 

im sure if i actually told anyone about this theyd be like “but you have me!! you have your family!! you have people who care about you!!”. and yeah i do. but when youre so far down a hole, you dont see the light at the top, just darkness. and probably dirt lol. 

i cried for the first time today. since all of this happened i havent cried at all. my chest has been hurting so much since ive been holding it in. but the reason i started crying was kinda dumb. one of my old friends found me and reached out. he wanted to see how i was doing and what ive been up to. what was i supposed to say? “hey ive been horrible! just planning my suicide and and stuff ya know” but of course i couldnt say that so i just said ive been good. we caught up for a bit and thats when he said hes getting over a breakup that messed him up. so i took the bait and said yeah me too. he just said if you ever want to talk you can always call or text. so i just said thank you it means a lot and that things can only get better i guess. and idk why but thats when i started crying. he said 

“theres so much good to come” 

its so dumb but i felt like those words were just a giant warm blanket. especially with the head space that im in. obviously i could hear that from anyone. but hearing it from someone i haven't talked to in like 4 years meant so much more.

there are so many people who care about me. ive just been stuck dealing with my ex and only caring about what he had to think or feel. he never really cared about me like these people do. theyre concerned about me. they tell me to eat, they tell me theyre worried about my drinking, they dont want me to be out alone, they want to make sure im okay. 

so fuck my ex. fuck him and anyone who thinks hes a good person. hes such a manipulative piece of shit. no one really knows what ive been through. no one knows how hes left me. no one knows about the cheating. no one knows about the abuse. they know nothing. im sure hes talked about me. im sure hes told them how i have a hard time showing feelings. im sure hes told them.. i dont even know. hes probably pulled something out of his ass. and they probably feel so bad for him. i hope they do. and i hope one day they feel just as stupid as i do. 

i just had to get my anger out. 

but my friend is right i think. maybe there is good to come. ive decided to stick around to find out. 

[driftingandlostwords]

week 1

started draft january 27th

the first week after i broke up with him was really rough it was so confusing and painful. i broke up with him on the 5th and then he told me that he went to go stay with friends that friday night through saturday night. he came back on sunday and said how he had been sleeping in his car the past night and had lied abt staying with ppl. and it just made me so angry that he had done that bc it made it seem like i was a barrier to him having a place to stay when i told him it was okay for him to be here and that it didnt matter to me. it made me angry that he lied to me about staying at peoples places when all he had to do was ask if it was okay for him to stay there. he also had his parents place to go to and i just didnt understand why he didnt take any of those options. sleeping in the car just made me seem like the bad guy that kicked him out when that wasn't the case at all.

he then told me on the night of the 8th that he told his parents that we had broken up when he had dinner with them that day. that was really upsetting to hear because that was not what we had agreed upon. we had agreed that if we broke up that we would tell his parents together since im pretty close to his family. at the time, i didn't fight it because i was too exhausted and it was sort of a whats done is done kind of deal. thinking about it now, i feel like he told me that because he knew that it would hurt me and it would let him have control of the situation. at the time, i just made the mental note to talk to his parents on my own time when i felt more stable to do so. he half slept in his car sunday night and then came back up around 4am or something and i just slept on the couch. monday night he went to stay with his parents and he came back tuesday morning with all the food that his mom had made for us. we went to work separately that day because he "didnt have enough gas in his car." he went to go stay with a friend on tuesday night since he was going down to Houston for a concert on the 11th. funny thing about the concert is that he told me it would be a three day trip when i first asked and it turned out to be a single day - they left wednesday morning and then came back thursday afternoon while i was still at work. when he came home on thursday he was asking me for help with the laundry and then i saw that he was on the phone with jordan in our own apartment while i was sitting outside doing wfh. it felt like such an insult to everything we had talked abt that past thursday (5th)

wednesday was when things got bad again >> i wrote this on 1/27 and now on 3/27 i have no idea what really happened on a week to week basis <<

january recap from what i can remember now [3/27] - the rest of the month was really just a downhill trend. we went from saying we would try to make things work the night i broke up with him to strange/petty/childish behavior not even 24 hours after the breakup. he wouldnt stay at the apartment but he also refused to stay at his parents house or at friend's places. it was his choice to sleep in his car for whatever nights he decided and thats on him - he wasnt about to make me out to be the bad person when i offered what i could to him. he also couldnt make me leave when it was him that destroyed everything we had. i remember at some point he came back one day and just erupted about how he couldnt live there anymore and that it was too much. he ended up going to stay at his parents house since i think they had left for vietnam at this point. he initially agreed to split the rent with me even though he wasnt living there but then wouldnt communicate it with me about it/made it seem like i was being unfair to him when i literally couldnt afford the place by myself. i didnt dump the place on him and it would just be courtesy to return that act to me. instead i got met with petulant childishness. i remeber i asked him to come clean the hamster cage late janurary and he just wouldnt do it because he couldnt be at the apartment. well if you wont take the hamster with you then you gotta come take care of it - its not my pet and you cant take things out on it. it took me telling him to grow up and be mature for him to come and do it. and when he was there he got upset at the stupidest things and then left storming off. at some point he came back for clothes and snapped at me for asking questions when i was just curious what was going on. i got accused of trying to keep tabs on him. and then he did a 180 and said how he couldnt be at the apartmet because it made him upset and then he asked for a hug and just sobbed and hyperventilated on me. there was so much whiplash in that interaction but i couldnt find any ounce of sympathy for him. i cant even really recall everything that happened in between when he left to go stay with his parents and when his parents came back. i know i was able to see his location through some weird glitch. so i knew that he was spending time at jordan's house and that he went down to austin with her. i know that late january i found out through sheyla that he had lied about everything. i knew that he lied to me about the friend group going bar hopping in bishop arts - he and jordan went alone on a date (a date that i actually dressed him for which is fucked up beyond belief). i found out through sheyla that the austin trip was just them two and that he had lied about it being a team trip. i found out through sheyla that he had lied about when we broke up as well which is crazy. if he wanted out so bad fucking leave dont drag me along with false promises and hope and dont throw your friends under the bus to lie to me. i cant really remember anything else that happened in january but finding out all the lies and the constant immaturity are really the overarching things

[theperksofbeingateen]

being alone

I´m 16 now and all my life I felt obligated to be surrounded by people, to be busy and most of all to be liked. up until shortly before my 16th birthday in october, when I broke up with my long term boyfriend, I was always in some kind of friendgroup. either It was my shool friends, the friends of my current partners, people I just got to know every now and then or just met at random parties. I was also never really on my own, I´ve always had something going on romantically. but ever since I turned 16 my life is so quiet. the people in my area stopped throwing actual parties, I mean its winter but still, I had my first graduation party and lots of people changed schools, including my best friends, I had a talking stage where I was kind of stood up after he started to feel like something that I want in my life and I think this was my first actual heartbreak, even though I´ve been trough an actual serious breakup just before this talking stage happened. sure, the breakup hurt and I had to cope with it but it just felt right to break up. this kind of getting left in the state of thinking ,what if´ after the talking stage was just so incredibly painful. I never felt so lost because of a romantic encounter. It felt like we ended it before it was time to end. I felt like it HAD to continue somehow and I struggled a lot with accepting the end of that connection. This made me spiral into some kind of identity crisis. I was so lonely, at least i felt like it, because for the first time in my life I wasnt in some kind of relationship, I lost my current friend group because of the breakup and other things, and my dearest friends started to fade out of my life because of different schools, less time etc. I had time to really understand myself and my feelings. It was the hardest thing i had to deal with yet and at first I couldnt really cope but someday I just felt at peace. I think it will never be easy to face my feelings but I made so much inner progress while being ,alone´. I realised that I´m not even alone just because I´m not constantly surrounded by a crowd and being alone doesnt mean I´m lonely. I also got closer to my best friends again and noticed all the little connections I made along the way are still there, they dont just dissapear because we dont see eachother everyday. I learned that not everything or everybody deserves my time of day and now I´m at a point where I am at such an incredible peace with myself. It truly is beautiful to be able to life with yourself.I hope that whoever may be in a similar situation and reads this knows they are not alone and IT WILL PASS. this truly feels like coming of age.

#sixteen #lonely #alone #coping #coming of age #development #growing #healing

[rancid-jester]

relationship vent

like obvi he has a right to be mad i broke up with him even if we're back together but. it wasnt like i said anything incredibly hurtful to him. i said "we're having a lot of problems again recently and I dont think these things are fixable, so it might be better to be friends" and he AGREED with me first of all. and second of all if he was opposed he could have communicated that and we could have TRIED to talk things through. third of all it was literally a week long break up.

and last but certainly not least, he did something way fucking worse to me. we broke up for over three months with NO contact because he told me that he never really loved me and he only wanted to know me because i reminded him of someone (which my biggest problem is people thinking im someone i'm not all the time. which he didnt know at the time but that was so fucking painful.)

also he was LYING when he said it, too, or so he said after we got back together. and he didn't apologize for fucking ages. he didnt even realize how much it fucked me up until i wrote some angsty poetry and shit to force him to understand.

like i understand being a little miffed about it or whatever but then after i apologize for the thousandth time he said i wasnt sorry. which is calling me a liar in my eyes and there is nothing i hate more than being called a liar when im not fucking lying.

like i understand he can be upset about it but like the main issue is that he refuses to believe im actually sorry. when unlike him i literally refuse to lie unless necessary, and never about my emotions. he KNOWS that, because i was way more obsessive about it in the start of our relationship. and he keeps fucking accusing me of lying because he's self conscious or something?

like i get that can make you not believe things but if he doesnt stop calling me a liar and acting like im soooo evil for a civil breakup where i didnt lie about my reasoning i am going to have to remind him of this shit and i dont want to bring it up because i KNOW he's guilty about it. i just wish he would realize that i do regret not just waiting until i had figured out what the issue was and communicated it with him.

#vent tw #jr rambles #relationship issues

[kaleidoscopic-quiddity]

things i really loved about episode 10

(in no specific order because i can’t choose a single favourite thing) 

the fact that homophobia is still nowhere to be found in bad buddy! i was worried it was gonna become a thing in the plot now that the parents have found out about pat and pran but i was happily surprised. i know stories about homphobia and the real lived experiences of mlm are both important and relevant, and absolutely deserve to get told, but its just nice to see a queer story that’s still engagingly  dramatic without needing to use bigotry to create said drama 

ink and pa getting together!!! congratulations lesbians i am so proud. i was kinda worried that inkpa would remain as just a teased relationship that would never actually come to anything but im so happy that bad buddy took the plunge and had them explicitly state their feelings for each other, and in the cutest and sweetest fuckin way possible 

pa’s coming out scene with pat. i love that a big deal wasn’t made of her sexuality, no ‘have you always liked girls?’, no ‘ but i thought you were straight?’, just pat being a supportive big bro and telling her ‘you like anyone you want’ 

bad buddy once again subverting old and tired BL tropes by having the whole ‘unsupportive parents find out about their sons’ relationship’ bring pat and pran closer together, not split them apart in a dumb last minuet breakup for extra drama

speaking of the parents: chai was the underrated king of this episode, whilst i do thing he couldve done more to support pran and stand up to dissaya, i love that he was aware of pat and pran’s relationship and was chill and supportive about that, especially since in the BLs its usually the father’s who are the most vitriolically homophobic 

korn blatantly fucking flirting with wai, i was laughing my way through that entire scene and im so happy pat and pran’s friends are finally getting along 

pat declaring his love for pran in front of the entire architecture faculty, we stan a lovestruck himbo 

all the fucking allusions to marriage/engagement this episode??? like i see you  👀 you aint subtle  👀

bad buddy clowning on dumb BL tropes yet again by directly making fun of the ‘they’re in love but are actually secretly brothers thing’, i just love how clear the production and actors are about how they find stuff like that just as stupid as we do

pat and pran’s visit to the high school being interspersed with ‘aw babe you had a crush on me? thats so embarrassing’ ‘we’re dating’ ‘still’ vibes, i completely love how even tho theyre together now pat and pran still love teasing each other and competing over sily things like who fell first 

god i know it was a heart breaking scene but pran breaking down in pat’s arms really speaks to his character development, the fact that he no longer feels like he has to hide his pain and that he willing lets himself be supported by someone who loves him, i was also totally crying

also!!! pat’s silent tears? the way he was clinging to pran just as tightly as pran was cling to him?? the head/neck caressing? the ‘lets get away from here?’, my heart hurt so much i was literally clutching my chest 

the fact that wai finding out pa already liked someone (and that that someone was a girl) wasnt used to create another jealously plotline or to make wai into a sexist/lesbophobic/incel antagonist but was instead a comedy beat was so relieving for me

pran standing up to his mum had me cheering out loud, hes literally come so far in these 10 eps

and the fact that what she’s done to him, plus the fact that she hit him, wasnt played off as just ‘oh thats how asian/strict parents are’ or ‘well it wasnt even that hard of a slap’ but was instead clearly shown as something serious and genuinely detrimental to pran 

he was only there for one scene but korn stole this episode for me, literally every moment hes on screen is hilarious and drake brings such a fun energy to his character 

pran’s love song!!!! nanon’s singing voice is so beautiful and im betting now a complete version of the song is going to be used during a big romantic moment (perhaps a proposal???) 

its little thing but the way that ink, a taller and older upperclassman giving gifts to pa and flirting with her is very clearly shown as cute and flirtatious and well received by pa, not as a creepy or predatory behaviour, bad buddy rlly said ‘we’re gonna have our sapphics be just as dorky and sweet as our main boys’ 

the fact that dissaya and ming’s dispute wasnt over a bad break up, or being cheated on, or some other lowkey sexist reason (crazy ex gf trope anyone?) but instead was about a very real issue that effected dissaya’s future 

and, the fact that all of that is not used to excuse how she treats pran or to try and suddenly make her ‘sympathetic’ or ‘understandable’ in her awful parenting

this one’s technically episode 11 but pat asking ‘can i kiss you?’ is genuinely so important to me. itd be so easy to have a big dramatic scene where pat pulls pran into a surprise kiss and the music swells and blah blah blah but instead its shown that even in well established relationships consent is not only still important, but can be very sweet and romantic too 

#bad buddy #patpran #pat napat #pran parakul #bad buddy spoilers #bad buddy the series #bad buddy ep 10 #og post //

[niskoo]

Memories kept in the pink hoodie

pairing: Ex! Heeseung x reader

genre: angst, fluff in the end ig, breakup! AU

warnings: swearing, uhhh they like break down together

word count: 2.2k words OMG

a/n: another one of my requests!! thank you all for the ideas its really helping!! mmm this one was very interesting to write because i usually write crack/fluff, aaannndd ive literally never done anything ive written IURHWIU thank you for the great idea anon <33 THIS HELPED SO MUCH OMG USUALLY MY ANGST SUCKS BUT IM PRETTY PROUD OF THIS AAAA ALSO IM SORRY IF THIS WASNT REALLY WHAT YOU WANTED IDK THERE ALWAYS HAS TO BE FLUFF IN MY IMAGINES IG 😓😭

feel free to request and help get rid of my writers block!!

a bit based off of 'try again' by jaehyun and d.ear

You should've known the consequences of dating an idol, you should've been careful. Of course they wouldn't let you be together, he's in one of the rising groups, heck, he was in one of the biggest companies.

It wasn't necessarily the company's fault you were so heartbroken, it's both your faults. You couldn't help but blame each other for how careless you were. You know better than to make things worse, and yet you did.

The evening you go back to his dorm after being confronted by the company, you two started a huge argument of who's fault it was. Either it was his fault for not taking caution during work, or your fault for always checking up on him. All loving actions in the past became reasons for why you should break up, thus cracking your relationship further.

When you went home that night, with your backpack full of your things, you did nothing. You didn't cry, you didn't rage, you simply thought that this was the end, you felt guilty that it had to end like this, instead of just working it out and breaking it off peacefully.

Your heart was left cracked and hurt for sure, but this time, you blame yourself. You shouldn't have met him, you shouldn't have got to know him, it's all your fault. And for the first time that night, you cry.

Your heart clenched at every thought of having to leave Heeseung, more tears falling at the fact that he's not gonna be a part of your life anymore. He's gone, and it's all your fault.

It's when you unpack your things when you realize you still have a bunch of things left at his place, you realize you never want to go back and face him.

You leave your stuff there for the next 2 days, your heart still unready to confront and be reminded of the fact that Heeseung is gone. Unfortunately, he has other plans.

Your phone lights up, and the last name you want to see is lighting the phone up.

'Hey... you left some of your stuff.'

You instantly turn your phone off, breaths picking up as you quickly look away from it and finish your lunch. You can feel the anxiety filling your body as you notice it light up once again, and it swarms in your chest even more when your mother winces at the next text.

You put down your spoon, quickly glancing at the text.

'If you want, you can come by and pick them up? I'll pack them for you...'

Your heart clenches yet once again, you know it's true, literally half your stuff is still there and you have to pick them up. You unlock your phone, quickly sending an 'okay' before completely shutting your phone down. You wouldn't stand a second more looking at his contact.

You decide to go at 11, because that's when the other members are at the company training. You don't know if Heeseung's gonna be there to give you your things, a part of you hopes he is, another hopes he's not there. But then again, who else would open the door for you?

You stand outside the familiar door nervously, picking on your nails and the lint on the hem of your cardigan. Just as you were about to knock, the door swung open, and instead of your ex boyfriend standing there it's the youngest of the group, his eyes wide and puffy lips parted.

As usual, he woke up late. You can't help but chuckle as he picks his shoes up and scurries down the stairs, bidding him a friendly goodbye.

You almost forget about Heeseung, but as you hear shuffling from inside, it all comes back.

You two share awkward glances, the tension slowly building itself back up. Instead of the heated, rage filled tension, this time the tension is guilty, and without each other knowing, yearning.

“T-this way,” Heeseung mutters tightly, eyes glued to the ground as he shuffled quickly to the living room. You follow along just a few seconds later, still processing the fact that this is the end. He could be gone out of your life after this, it’s your last chance to speak.

Your eyes slowly travel up when you stop, the beating of your heart quickening with the slight burning in your eyes. Lo and behold, there your things laid, ready for you to bring back home. You can’t help but notice how it’s packed completely how Heeseung would pack, neat and with care. It’s not too stuffed, it’s in the perfect place.

Biting at the dead skin of your lip, you trudge towards the duffle bag—his duffle bag—and kneel down to grab the handle. The moment you pick it up, you notice how the bag isn’t fully zipped, and a certain pink sleeve peaks out from the tiny space.

All too familiar, the pink sleeve was. It was the one he took from Daniel in I-land. He knew you loved it, for you loved the kid like your little brother. But, he can’t. It’s his, it’s his favorite, he can’t just give it to his ex.

You instantly place the bag down, the tears starting to well up in frustration and sadness. You zip open the bag and take the pink hoodie out, before shoving it into Heeseung’s chest, “Take it, Heeseung, Please don’t give it to me.”

It takes him a few moments, before Heeseung is shaking his head and handing it back to you. “No, it’s practically yours anyway. And you really like it right? It’s just a-“

“Don’t tell me it’s just a hoodie!”

You both are shocked at your sudden burst, frozen in your spot. Your breathing is heavy, like a weight is holding it down and slowing your breathing. There are tears keeping your cheek moist, warm, they stream down continuously, the sensation as if there was fire dripping from your eyes and burning your skin.

Heeseung’s just on the verge of crying himself, the grip on the pink hoodie deathly, he feels the material ripping against his skin. How did it come to this? When did it even happen? It all feels surreal, to think what you two had could fall apart.

All the happy moments in your relationship fading to memories, the hoodie representing the fact itself is true. None of you wanted to take it, afraid it would remind you of the other.

Deep down, you wanted to keep it, keep the memories it held, keep the tears that once soaked it when you vented all your stress to him, keep the scent of Heeseung that lingered on the fabric. You were just too afraid of being reminded that along with the happy memories, came the sad memories of the night you fought and broke it off.

Your grip on the poor hoodie eases, as you slide to the floor helplessly with tears messing your face up. You desperately wanted to hold the pink piece of clothing and keep it forever, and another part of you cursed at you for being too vulnerable.

Your hand quickly wipes away the tears on your cheeks and chin harshly, almost hitting yourself for being so sensitive. Before you could do the action again, a softer grasp is stopping your hand, Heeseung’s other hand reaching up to brush the tears away dearly, blowing your hair away from your face.

Before you could even bring yourself to stop, you’re already reacting to his touch, cowering into his hold and placing your hand over his on your cheek, almost intertwining them together.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper into his palm, your other hand reaching up to grasp at his t-shirt. You’re sorry for so many reasons, for not being careful, for all the things you said in the argument, for making a sudden commotion just because of a stupid hoodie. “I’m so sorry...”

“Shh, it’s alright, it’s alright.” Heeseung grabs you into his infamous embrace you would hate to leave, stroking your back with patterns just the way he knew you loved, just the way it would calm you down. “We’ll be alright.”

More tears fall between your eyelashes, dripping and soaking into Heeseung’s shoulder as he himself sniffles quietly into your hair. None of you want to leave each other behind, it’s the painful truth that you both can’t have, the truth you’ve always feared.

A sudden feeling of relief fills you up inside, his words reassure you in a way, we’ll be alright, you’ll be okay, it just had to leave his lips for you to believe it. You crawl closer to Heeseung, squeezing yourself in his bear hug, “We’ll be okay, we can make it right,”

A hoarse and hearty laugh leaves Heeseung, it shakes right by your ear as you press it against his chest, and he nods, “Yeah,”

He gently pulls your head back right in front of his, wiping the last of your tears and tucking the stray hairs back to the back of your ear, “Let’s just talk,” his whisper tickles your nose, causing you to lightly giggle at the feeling, his lips pressing softly against the pink tinted skin, “Make everything better?”

You nod, finally grasping at the pink hoodie and holding it tight to your chest as Heeseung laughs and bonks his forehead right on yours.

For the next few hours, you talk, make up, talk some more, maybe even a small cuddle, but that’s a secret. You make ramen for when the other members come back from practice, you feel happy to see the members thank you and eat with enthusiasm, you feel glad this is how your last moments together last.

Now you have the (practically ripped) pink hoodie in your arms as you bid the boys goodbye, slightly tearing up at the sight of them sadly waving, but you keep it in and continue your way back home, where you would tell your mom how you ended it on good terms.

And that night, you slip on the pink hoodie before you sleep, and you feel a piece of paper poking at your arm. You’re surprised to see a crumpled envelope poking out, your name written messily in blue ink.

You pull the envelope out quickly, opening it out with something bubbling in the pit of your stomach as you notice the handwriting as Heeseung’s.

‘My dear Y/n,

Hello there! I don’t know if i got the guts to make it right with you or if i pussied out and watched you as you drove away with regrets, but that’s what this letter is for. hopefully you didn’t throw this letter away hehe

i just wanted to thank you. for everything. your love, your care, your trust, Your happiness, thank you for everything you’ve given me. im sorry we had to end our journey, but know that you’ll be in my mind everyday. when we practice, I’ll remember your encouraging smile, when we win, I'll remember the fact that it’s you who gave me the courage to start this whole career.

i love you y/n. we’ll both probably find our other person in the future, but you’ll forever be in my heart as my first love, my first heartbreak, my best memory. thank you for helping me through my hardest times, thank you for helping the other boys through their worst times, especially jungwon, he’ll miss you the most.

i guess this is goodbye, y/n. not forever, of course, but for some time. thank you for everything, i hope you enjoyed the times we had together as much as i did.

with all the love in my heart,

Lee Heeseung :)’

You wipe at your tears for the nth time that day, folding the paper back into the envelope. “Fuck you Heeseung, you’ve ruined my makeup again!” You curse under your breath as you slip the letter into a certain box at the corner of your bedside table, patting your cheeks one last time.

You truly cherish the memories you had with Heeseung. You hope he does too.

#ehypen #enhypen imagines #enhypen angst #enhypen fluff #enhypen blurbs #enhypen drabbles #enhypen x reader #enhypen scenarios #enhypen heeseung #lee heeseung #lee heeseung angst #lee heeseung fluff #lee heeseung blurbs #lee heeseung x reader #lee heeseung scenarios

[eitelle]

— seeing his ex at a cafe again

↳ with atsumu miya

genre: implied exes to lovers, angst to fluff, songfic (good 4 u by olivia rodrigo)

pairings: timeskip!atsumu miya x gn!reader

ask (too long to put here)

warnings: bits of angst, timeskip warnings

wc: 540

a/n: PLAYING SOUR WHILE IM WRITING TJIS!! so excited for my first ever songfic eek!! bro im sorry but this was so hard to do angst to fluff w this song help me-

atsumu sat in his childhood room reminiscing on that summer. the summer when you were still together. his management and himself agreed; the less people to worry about because of how popular he was, the better. at least thats how he used to feel. it had been months since he called your 4 year relationship quits. if that was so true, how come he had never felt more miserable?

You bought a new car and your career's really takin' off / It's like we never even happened / Baby, what the fuck is up with that

buying shit to replace what reminded him of you helped, and his team was in the best shape it had ever been. after losing you, atsumu threw himself into volleyball and helping MSBY excel. his hard work paid off; it was obvious to anyone but no one noticed how much pain he was in without you. so many things reminded him of you, some bad but oh so many good. so he deleted them all. might as well feel nothing than feel pain right?

And good for you, it's like you never even met me

sometimes atsumu wishes he never met you. that was always a lie though, his life was full of so much life and joy with you in it. so he took off to the place where you first met: the cafe in where it all started... and ended.

Remember when you swore to God / I was the only person who ever got you?

you were the only person who thought before he could, the brains behind the operation if you will. you understood him more than he understood himself, which is why when it all ended, it was a shock to both of you. MSBY knows your name, and your friends know his; in good and bad ways respectively. on his way to the cafe he prepared for the scenario in which he sees you. he wasnt ready. but he would never be ready, so better now than never.

Well, screw that and screw you / You will never have to hurt the way you know that I do

you both knew hurt, being in love for so long would do that to someone. breaking up really always was a two sided thing. finally arriving at the cafe, in hopping out and going back in, the first thing he sees is your face.

Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy / Not me, if you ever cared to ask

hearing those words come from your mouth stung. he knows he hurt you, but he was in pain too. he just hoped you would accept his apology. of course maybe he just realized that that miserable dark abyss in his stomach was missing you.

Good for you, you're doin' great out there without me / Baby, God, I wish that I could do that

“y/n... you look like youre doing great,” he says, his first words to you since the breakup. ‘god i wish that i could do that,’ he finishes in his mind. “do i really?,” you ask all the love and longing youve been suppressing all this time.

I've lost my mind / I've spent the night cryin' on the floor in my bathroom

those words impacted both of you. that admission showed the opening up from you to start the healing process. “im sorry baby, yer the most important thing to me. really. management is fucked but i dont really need them. i just need you. please y/n, just consider me. i care. i care more than you think. please can we just try again?” he begs, hoping for a chance with the love of his life. “itll take time. and ive missed you too for the record. but ill give us a try, you just have to give me time,” you reason. “hey baby, ill give you all the time in the goddamn world just to have you back again.”

PLS REBLOG THIS TOOK ME SO LONG IT WAS RLY HARD TO DO!!

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#haikyuu!! #haikyu oneshots #haikyu x reader #haikyu fanfiction #haikyu headcanons #kozuelle haikyuu #atsumu miya #atsumu miya x reader #msby black jackal #haikyuu msby #msby atsumu #atsumu x y/n #atsumu angst

[mlm-mod-taka]

Hi mod taka! 🌹 anon again qwq. Can I please request Hajime and Shuichi breaking up with they're s/o hcs? (gn reader, seperate)

No pressure though^^ Sorry for bothering you TvT.

BREAKING UP HCS • hajime, shuichi x gn reader

hi, 🌹 anon! i dont think ive ever done angst breaking up hcs, so please excuse me if this isnt that good. and dont worry! none of you bother me at all, i love talking to all my anons. i hope you enjoy these hcs!

tws/cws: breaking up, falling out of love & angst.

|| -> mod taka <3

he'd never think that he would want to break up with you so willingly, but lately things have been really weird between you two.

the main reason he wants to break up is because he most likely fell out of love. its a thing that happens to most people in an early relationship, and its understandable. youre both so young, after all.

hajime just... feels so guilty. hes the one that fell for you first, so why was he feeling like this? why didnt he have all those butterflies in his stomach when he first liked you?

thinks long and hard about this, his first approach was that he was just gonna wait it out. maybe hes just been feeling ill recently, his feelings should come back eventually.

they didnt, to say the least. in fact, his feelings are more lost than ever after waiting for them to come back. its been a month of faking his love and affection for you, and he didnt know what to do anymore.

he vents about this to chiaki, and she says that its a normal thing that happens to most young relationships. later that night, hajime googles if its okay to feel like this, and searches what other people did in this scenario.

after researching the two sides of leaving the relationship and staying, he decides that its probably best for you two to breakup. it hurts his heart to picture someone he loved to be lonely, but he'd rather end it early before the feeling got worse.

apparently, most of the results with people who stayed were that they started to resent their partners. either that or they started to distance themselves from their lovers, to the point where they would be away from them for days at a time.

these results all resulted in painful and harsh breakups, and all the people that went through this agreed that they should have just ended it earlier before it got so out of hand.

he sighed into his hand. he really was going to have to break up with you. but, he'd rather have this end early with less pain, than end it later with more.

the next day, he asks you to meet him at the side of the school after class. when you meet up with him, he looks exhausted and upset. you immediately started asking if he was okay, since he looked horrible and you havent seen him physically all day.

he says hes fine, and after a few seconds of a very tense silence, he mutters the words "i want to... break up." you didnt know if you heard it right at first. so you asked him to repeat.

he repeats, and you were right. he said it. you could feel a lump start to form in your throat as you asked why, and he quickly explains everything whats been happening with him.

you were fully sobbing, and he tried to help you, but he realized that he probably lost that priviledge since he wasnt your boyfriend anymore.

you cant say that you dont understand, because you do. youve heard of this happening in other relationships, so you put on a smile and say youre thankful that he told you before it got serious.

he nods, and watches you say goodbye to him, walking away from him, now out of his life. this sight should've hurt him, but it didnt. and thats the part that hurt him. why did it have to end like this?

i feel like he would break up with you because of the future. shuichi doesnt really see a future with you two together, and at first he thought that was normal for everyone.

he quickly learned that it wasnt, everyone else in a relationship planned to marry each other, have kids, work in the same fields together, live together and the list goes on.

but, he really didn't see that. in fact, he actually saw a really vivid future without you, and that worried him for a bit. why couldnt he see you and him together in the future?

he just brushed it off as something that wasnt that big of a deal, and continued to be in a relationship with you. everything was going well, until you brought up the proposal of living together to him.

it made him anxious, and it was obvious. he liked his privacy and alone time, so maybe that was why he was so nervous about it. yup. that had to be it. nothing more, nothing less.

he still felt an intense love for you, unlike hajime, but something about the way he loved you was... different. when kaito asked him to describe what he felt for you, he thinks that he felt this sort of, temporary love with you. he never said that to kaito, though.

your relationship felt like this great and happy thing that will eventually lose its passion and he could easily move on from it, he never sees you two as a long term couple.

shuichi got worried again. it was clear to him that this probably wasnt something that everyone else felt. it wasnt exactly fear of commitment either, no. it was something much more different, but he didnt know how to describe it.

is up for nights at a time, trying to think of a way to describe how he feels. its clear that he hasnt been doing too well, he often goes to school and is much more quiet than normal. you also got this weird feeling that hes been avoiding you, but you ignored it, that couldnt be true, right?

eventually, it hits him. he doesnt really see value in your relationship. thats not to say that its completely pointless, it has made him very happy time and time again, but he doesnt get anything other than love and affection from the relationship.

doesnt think that you guys being together will last forever, and hes always subconsciously known that. he doesnt see anything he can gain while being in a relationship with you.

sure, he gains love, but nothing else like the other couples in the school. they have learned lessons, morals, different point of views, developed new habits, but thats never happened with him and you.

shuichi almost wishes that he didnt realize this, because now that he has, he feels the need to break things off before you started to get hurt from his thoughts and ideologies.

asks you two to meet in the fountain of the school in the middle of the night, and he explains that he still loves you, but doesnt want to hurt you, which is why hes doing what hes doing.

you dont understand why hes saying this at first, so you ask what he means by that, and he responds with "what im saying is, i think its better that we break up right now."

now it makes sense. the avoiding, how silent he was, and the explaination he said at the beginning. normally, you'd tell him that the feeling would pass, and that you didnt have to break up over something like this, but its very clear that hes made up his mind, and you cant do much other than to accept it.

you were crying, but it was soft and understanding. you nodded and said that you had a great time with him, wishing him the best in life, before walking back to your dorm. this hurt him, but he knows its for the best, he just wishes that it couldve been different. maybe in another world.

#📍 dismissal ∆ #hajime hinata #hajime #hajime hinata x reader #hajime x reader #shuichi saihara #shuichi #shuichi saihara x reader #shuichi x reader #danganronpa x reader #danganronpa headcanons #🌹 anon

[spectogram]

Directors Commentary - Taste of Red, Chapter 1 (or ⭐ if you'd prefer!)

omg FIRST OF ALL this took forever for me to get to but thank u so much for the ask 🥺💘

taste of red!! this was the first fic i wrote for simon snow i think so its kind of funny to revisit, mainly i think bc my opinions have changed about some things. i basically just added commentary to certain passagesm not the entire chapter, so its not the whole first chapter, but close enough.

im putting it under thr cut for anyone not interested :3

Lately it feels like going every other night is a push. It was a slow process, something that seemed at first like his body showing the rotten softness of his emotions post-break up with Daniel. He would wake up in the night from it and that hadn’t happened since he was fifteen, when he’d figured out the ideal hunting pattern. He could never go back to sleep after waking up with hunger pains, so he did what he always did: he prowled the shadows, and glutted himself on the bitter blood of rats. Over the last month he’d been reconciling with the fact that this would be a nightly occurrence, and if he ever wanted to get any sleep, he’d better take care of the thirst before he went to bed.

i like the idea of baz getting sime other romantic experience outside of simon and tbh when i set out to write this fic i initially wanted this breakup to have more impact, but i also think that its kinda realistic for baz to be more embarrassed about being dumped than having been super into this dude. also i realized that i wasnt prepared to spend that much time writing sbout baz pining after this guy, i only had s month to write this fic

He’s out hunting again tonight, somewhere wooded between Fiona’s and Hampshire. It’s a hiking area he’s stopped at plenty of times on his commute, but he’s not always able to make time for the drive. But it’s peaceful and beautiful here, especially after dark. His sensitive eyes drink in the lush greens, purples, and blues of the woods, and his ears drink up the busy nighttime chatter of insects and birds. The moon is at its zenith, so the woods open to him in a trembling swell of detail.

A deer laps at stream not too far away from Baz. He can hear him, his breath ghosting against the quickly moving water, the tender pulse of blood behind its fur. If Baz breathes in (as he does now) with his mouth open, he can taste it on the breeze.

Baz calls the deer to him with magic. The deer kneels, with his liquid black eyes blinking drowsily, right at Baz’s feet. He holds the deer’s face in his hands, turning it so that he can drop his lips to the deer’s jugular.

i really like how this whole bit came out! i really wanted this scene to feel very sensual. this is a fic focused on bazs vampirism and his sexuality and i wanted this first scene to be a culmination of all of that. i mean hes not about to fuck the deer but just like, i definitely wanted to suggest a kind of physicality and seduction. i kind of also just love a good liminal space.

At first it relieved him of the burden of introducing Daniel to his family, since he’d likely be disowned for: A. Dating a Normal, B. Daring to date another man in public and then C. Subjecting his family to the knowledge of both. But, over time it became clear that Daniel wasn’t interested in being introduced to Baz’s family anyway. Daniel liked their relationship kept to furtive sweaty encounters late at night. (Always at Baz’s, which was technically Fiona’s. He’s lucky she sleeps like the dead and is out in Hungary or Romania hunting vampires half the time. He never once saw Daniel’s apartment in the year they dated.) When he thinks back over the whole sordid thing, he’s embarrassed he thought their relationship meant anything more than what it clearly did.

He’d been physically attracted to Daniel, since Daniel was very objectively, conventionally attractive. There wasn’t anything headier there, however, though he’d wrung it for every drop of romance or sentimentality that he could. He wanted it to over-write his feelings for Simon so badly, and prove to himself that he hadn’t missed his chance to be slaughtered by the Chosen One.

He really shouldn’t have been surprised Daniel elected to end their relationship.

i think daniel to me is just emlematic of what a lot of relationships arr like when ur inexperienced and ur desperate to fall desperately in love and ur kind of willing to view anything as romantic, even someones disinterest. but also i like that baz is using daniel too!

Siouxie pops up again while he’s brushing his teeth. (He pops his fangs while he’s brushing. It’s the only time he ever looks at them. There aren’t vampire dentists after all.) She jumps onto the bathroom counter, and meows at him balefully for treats. He doesn’t hurry, since he cares about his dental hygiene, but he picks her up and carries her to the kitchen once he’s done flossing.

so first of all i got thing about baz popping his fangs from this is mr. pitch which is one of my fav fics ive read in this fandom. also siouxie is somewhat based off of my cat - at least her mannerisms anyway. i just wanted to give baz a pet i thought itd b cute and i was right

He gets in bed even though he’s not tired. He can feel the blood coursing through his body, and all it makes him think is how if he doesn’t slow it, how much faster he’ll need to drink again. But then, that’s how it’s always been lately. Already he feels the prickle of thirst at the back of his throat like a phantom. Just when he’s decided to try wanking himself asleep, Siouxie jumps onto his stomach, killing the libido of self-loathing brewing in his gut. She always chooses the wrong time to cuddle, but he pets her and coos at her because she’s warm, and he can admit to her and her alone, that he’s lonely.

this is such a mood to me like (tmi) trying to jerk off and then ur cat pops up yelling in ur face

He’s getting ready for work now. It’s four in the morning, so both Penny and Shepard are fast asleep (they met Shepard, the cursed, abnormally chipper Normal, on a post-Watford trip to America that went typically awry). Simon’s practiced being quieter in the morning since living with Baz, but he has to be conscious, at this early even he’s not fully awake. It takes him at least fifteen minutes before he remembers to tread lightly and not slam doors - but that’s mostly because Penny shouts at him through her door. He tip-toes around the apartment pulling on his work trousers and and boots, gathering his lunch, like a cartoon cat burglar.

i remember when i came up w the premjse for this fic one of my biggest concerns was how to shoehorn shepard in here and hes still definitely just a plot device in this fic but i DO love him.

He also has to spell his wings and tail in place for the day. His magic hasn’t returned, but Dr. Wellbelove was able to forge a magical device, a ring, with a glass gem, forged with blood magic - so that Simon is able to cast his own glamour all day long. It’s nice. He can’t cast any other spells with it, but at least he has some autonomy, and he doesn’t have to make a decision so drastic as getting the wings and tail removed. Not yet anyway.

this was somethind else i struggled with a bit. i think if i was writing this fic now id want to figure out a solution that didnt involve making simon hide his wings and tail even though it was fun coming up with his magical amulet medical device. it also calls back to one of the things i wanted to explore that i didnt have time for, which was blood magic and its connection to vampirism and some theories i wanted to ecplore about that. another time! anyway the point was that i wanted simon to keep his wings and tail and have a normal job.

It’s all blue out on their street when he gets downstairs, and out to where Babette’s dark green truck is idling. She beams at Simon all rosy-cheeked, like she always does. She’s short, but wide with tree trunk arms, tree trunk legs, and a midsection one part muscle, one part bosom, and one part beer belly. Simon doesn’t doubt that she could bench-press him, and he’s never been this well-fed. The row of earrings down each ear winks at him, and her bristly silver crew cut gleams in the early morning. “‘Morning, Simon! Don’t you look fresh as a daisy.”

i really wanted to give simin an older gay mentor figure. i didnt get into it too much in this fic, but i kind of wanted to explore the idea of what ebb couldve been to simon in some way as he realized his own sexuality.

The sky is brightening into a dishwater sunrise, though the streetlights haven’t shut off yet, it’s that dark still. Simon and Babette unload the truck, work in silence for most of the morning, while they excavate a strip of dead grass in front of some administrative building. Babette whistles through her teeth tunelessly, and tries to get Simon to guess the song. She eventually tells him what song it was, but he didn’t know it anyway.

i like this moment a lot actually - its just a very normal type of interaction u have w adults in your life when youre young that i think simon has been deprived of or hasnt experienced at all probably.

The rain’s picking up though, and he ducks into a bookshop. Penny’s probably still in class, but he sends her a text anyway, just to see. He’s hungry, even though he ate all his snacks on his walk. He’s tempted to find something more to eat while he’s waiting, but he decides on a whim to take a look around the store. One of the things he’s been talking about with his therapist is the concept of doing things just for fun. Things like hobbies. He’s never been much a reader, but that was his life before, when his life was a blur of fight, flight, or freeze.

speaking of pretty normal experienced i think simon is new to....

Baz is behind the register, with a man who looks like he’s demonstrating how the register works. But that can’t be right. Why would Baz have a job? And why would he have a job as quaint as this? Don’t blokes like Baz just get jobs as brokers at daddy’s investment firms or some bollocks position managing daddy’s estate or whatever the fuck? Baz is supposed to be working towards becoming a corrupt politician, and not… customer service, apparently.

this whole scene was soooo fun to write because the more i thought about it, the more confusing i imagined it would be to simon. i mean whats NOT confusing about baz working customer service??

Simon ducks behind a shelf so he can observe while concealed. He picks a random book off the shelf in front of him to hold so no one hassles him, but he keeps his eyes trained on Baz.

also this like simon is NOT a spy he doesnt need to be subtle when he can be bold. its not really about him being inept though imo, its really just hes been treated like an atom bomb his whole life, hes a hero, hes brave and physically powerful and deft, but sneaking around isnt his thing. so now hes like a characature of a spy. hes really only trying to be subtly right now bc theyre surrounded by Normals anyway

Simon steals a look at the bloke next to Baz - maybe he’s evil too. He’s wearing a black turtleneck, and round little wire framed glasses. He looks a little older than middle aged, with male pattern baldness, and an impressive set of jowls. He laughs at something Baz says, which is very suspect in itself. Maybe they’re plotting something together.

i kind of imagined doing the same thing with bazs boss as i was doing with babette, but it felt forced i think so i left it out

He steps up in line behind the woman getting her books rang up. It’s taking forever. Baz keeps shooting the woman tense smiles, as the other bloke explains something to him. The woman seems to be getting impatient too. She’s literally tapping her foot. Simon’s just about there himself, but he prides himself on his politeness to customer services workers - even if that customer service worker is Baz. Maybe not. He hasn’t decided how he’s going to play this.

god first of all customer service and retail is a fucking nightmare. also i think i mention this at another point but a lot of this scene was, to me, anout breaking down simons idea of baz as untouchable and perfect. i realized writing this scene wait baz would suck at this, hes never done this kind of thing before. also i projected all my own customer service anxiety onto him, sorry basilton

Finally the woman steps away, and it’s Simon’s turn. Baz turns a smile to Simon, but then his expression subtly shifts. His eyes are like bullets, his little customer-service smile becoming faint and then turns into a sort of rictus as he struggles to maintain its friendly edge.

again, i just love that in this scene simon and baz are forced to deal with each other in public, as adults, in the Normal world. in the normal world you dont tend to think of people u dislike as ur nemesis, and u dont get into brawls in public, especially if youre literally at work.

“A coloring book,” Baz says. His expression is blank, but the gunmetal of his eyes is flashing. Simon’s pretty sure Baz is thinking about killing him. Baz’s nostrils twitch, and a hint of a sneer moves over his lips. Anyone else would think Baz is a normal human, his expression perfectly mild. But Simon knows Baz better than anyone, even if it’s been a few years. He can feel the hatred lazering into him.

Right back at you, mate, Simon tells Baz telepathically. I’m onto you.

“Yeah.” Simon sticks his chin out at Baz. “They’re fun.” He hasn’t done one since he was in care, but now he’ll make sure to do this one just to spite Baz.

another thing ill mention about what was fun about writing ghis scene is i love writing scenes where two characters have to interact and everything being communicated is going on under the surface or in a kind of nebulous psychic space - which means, for example, that simon can misinterpret bazs intensity as hatred instead of shock and maybe shame for having to serve simon and be friendly when he probably just wants to hide and pretend he didnt see simon at all. also i love just simon being so embarrassed on behalf of baz, like this whole thing watching baz struggled to do something has fully rocked him to his core.

“Oh, yes. I hear they’re quite relaxing.” Baz’s voice is velvety.

“Why don’t you take this one too, Basilton,” says Thierry, as he blithely cuts into their psychic feuding.

Simon raises his eyebrows, as Baz’s expression completely shutters. His eyes go all matte. He says, “Of course.”

Simon didn’t come up with a clever way to interrogate Baz before coming up to the register, but he doubts all the fore-planning in the world wouldn’t prepare him for this. He’s so rarely seen Baz have to learn how to do something, something he may not be inherently good at, that the novelty of this experience is shriveling all his righteousness into a useless husk of… something. Secondhand embarrassment maybe. He almost feels like he should avert his gaze. His face and neck are flushing as he watches Baz pick over the keys of the register, a line of concentration between his brows. Simon slides a very crumpled and slightly damp pair of tenners across the counter so he can avoid the awkwardness of touching Baz’s hand.

ALSO LOOK AT THIS CUTE COMIC MAD DID OF THIS SCENE 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺💘💘💘💘💘 its exactly the right vibe

#simon snow series #taste of red