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brelione · 4 years

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Neverland (JJ Maybank X Reader)

Warnings:Mentions of death,suicide,depression,probably a lot of spelling errors,has the possibility of making you cry. :)

This is really bad because I have not slept in 28 hours and I was bored :)

You had said over and over again from the age of 8 that all you wanted to do was go to neverland.It was right after your parents died in a drowning accident that you had become so obsessed with the idea.Neverland was the perfect place where children who simply didnt belong in the real world went to feel wanted.Neverland was where you belonged.You used to pray to any god there was that someday Peter Pan would come to your window and take you away.It never happened though.When you became friends with the pogues at age 14 you felt a bit better.You had met JJ Maybank,the boy of pure chaos and crackhead energy.He was always doing something illegal or doing something he shouldnt be.He was many things and loyal,sweet and kind were some of them.He acted like a lost boy,not caring about the consequences to his actions and living in the moment.

You would sit together on John.B’s roof and complain about life.

“You ever wonder why we’re so fucked up?”You asked.He shrugged,laying down with his arms over his chest.You tucked your hair behind your ears,looking up at the sky and staring at the second star to the right. “Hey,JJ?”You asked.He hummed,watching you stare up at the sky with a sad expression.He had noticed things no one else had about you.How your eyes were always a little pink,the way your laugh was never completely genuine,the way you hid your emotions from everyone because you didnt want to overwhelm anyone.He had always gone out of his way to do nice things for you.He’d made you a bracelet with your name on it that you had worn everyday until the beads had faded and the letters were hardly there.You still wore it.

He remembered your favorite type of poptart and would steal you some when he went to a large supermarket.You had always told him not to steal from independent businesses and if he were to steal from anywhere to steal from a store that had multiple locations because it didnt matter if they lost $2.He tried to show affection,hugging you or attempting to hold your hand.You never accepted it,shrinking under his touch.He wanted you to feel loved and appreciated but no matter how he tried the message just wouldnt get through to you. “If I ever go missing,just know that I probably went to neverland.”You spoke quietly.He sat sat up,frowning. “What?”He asked.You sighed. “I dont like it here.I wanna leave.Im gonna leave eventually so when I do you’ll know where to find me.”You avoided his gaze,staring up at the star.

He scooted himself forward so he was next to you. “Why dont you like it here?”He asked.You sighed,looking at him. “I dont belong here,you know?Everything just feels wrong and I feel guilty all the time because I know I should be grateful that im alive and healthy but I just want to give up.I just fuck things up and I dont wanna do it anymore.”You mumbled,feet dangling off the edge of the roof.He went to grab your hand,sliding his warm large hand over your cold small one.You let him,your fingers curling around his hand. “You do belong here,though.You belong with the pogues and we all love you.You know we love you,right?”He asked.You shrugged. “I dont really belong with you guys.Kiara felt bad for me so she dragged me into this.You dont really love me,you’re just saying that to keep me here.”You looked up at him.

His pupils were large,lips open like he was trying to form words.He was concerned for you,having the urge to pull you away from the side of the roof.You just grinned. “Its okay to admit it,JJ.I know its true.”You smiled.He shook his head. “No.No its not.What am I gonna do when you’re in neverland?Who’s gonna stop me from stealing from independent businesses?”He asked.You just huffed. “Pope will.”You replied.He shook his head,gulping. “No,no.Pope doesnt care about that stuff like you do-you’re the only one who can stop me from stealing pop tarts.”He replied,voice squeaking a bit.You rubbed circles on his hand with your thumb. “Its okay,JJ.Everything is fine.”You spoke softly.He shook his head. “You’re really scaring me right now...please just stay here with me.Please.”He whispered.

You bit the inside of your cheek,taking your hand away from his.You hesitantly leaned forward,hugging him.Your body heat against him was calming.He was nervous to hug you back,not wanting you to pull away from him.He slowly raised his arms,pulling you closer to him. “Dont stress,JJ.Everything is okay.”You whispered.He sniffled. “I just want you to be happy...what will make you happy?”He asked,blinking away the tears.You ran your hand through his hair,your finger tips scratching his scalp lightly as you twirled your fingers. “Shhh...JJ,honey,you’ve got to calm down.”You whispered.He let out a small squeak,biting down on his lip as he rested his forehead against your shoulder. “Please dont leave...please.”He sobbed.The guilt ran through you,knowing you had caused JJ to be this upset with himself.You didnt say anything,you just continued to run your fingers through his hair.He felt his whole body heating up.His lips always got really hot and red when he cried,he didnt really know why.He moved,kissing your forehead lightly.The heat against your cool forehead made a shiver run down your spine. “JJ,look at me.”You whispered,lifting up his chin.He looked up at you,more tears falling from his eyes.He sniffled,staring into your eyes.

He leaned forward,kissing you lightly.You pulled away after a few moments,forehead still against his. “It’s three in the morning,if we want any energy tomorrow we should probably sleep.”You mumbled quietly.He frowned. “You’ll still be here when I wake up,right?”He asked.You nodded.He couldnt believe he was scared of you leaving to go to neverland.He didnt know if that was really what he was scared of though.In all honesty he was absolutely terrified you’d kill yourself or something.After that night JJ had always tried to stay close to you.He always wanted to be touching you in some way,holding your hand or having his arm around your waist.He stole you more poptarts,telling you where he’d gotten them from before you even asked.

He’d text you every morning when you two couldnt spend the day together and he’d call you at least three times a day.Everytime you didnt answer he’d feel his heart speed up anxiously.You’d always text him when you didnt answer,telling him that you were busy and that you’d call him later.Sometimes you didnt have the energy to answer his texts but he’d feel better seeing that you had at least read them.But one day you didnt answer his calls.He waited for a text from you to explain why you hadnt answered.He tried to convince himself that maybe you were in the shower or taking a nap or maybe out for a swim.He knew you werent.You’d always text him before you went out for a swim or took a shower.You always said the same thing. “Im hopping in the shower so dont get scared if I dont answer.Love you.”.He hadnt received that text yet.

He had bit his nails as he sat in the hammock. “Are you okay?You seem stressed.”Pope looked over at him.JJ gulped. “Im just scared about (Y/N).She’s not answering me and I dont know what to do.”He had explained.Kiara frowned. “Are you guys fighting?”She asked.JJ shook his head. “She hasnt read my texts and I checked when she was last active on instagram and it says three days ago.I dont wanna go to her house because I dont wanna seem clingy but she’s really starting to scare me.”He tapped his foot on the grass.Kiara nodded. “Maybe her phone is broken.”She shrugged.He shook his head. “I dont know.I have a bad feeling.”He frowned. “So lets take the boat and go check on her.”Pope sat up from the porch couch.John.B was at Sarah’s and he would understand why they were taking the boat.Pope drove,going through the water as fast as the boat allowed until they were at the dock in your backyard.

JJ hopped out,going to your back door and knocking on the wood.He tried calling again,hearing your phone ring from somewhere in the house.He reached over to the windowsill,moving the painted rock you kept there and grabbing the key.Kiara and Pope were close behind him,starting to become anxious as well.He turned the key in the door,opening it with such force that the door knob smacked against the side of your house.He walked in,calling your name.He approached your bathroom,his hands shaking as he reached for the door knob.He told himself he was being ridiculous,opening the door.He turned on the light,wincing and hoping that you werent there.You werent,but your phone was. “(Y/N)!”Kiara shouted,going into your bedroom.Your blankets and sheets were messy,pillows thrown around.The window was wide open,your dresser knocked over. “JJ!”She shouted.He sprinted through the house,catching himself on your door frame.His breath hitched in his throat.There was no way.

There was no fucking way that you had actually left.That wasnt possible.Peter Pan wasnt real.But robbers were.Maybe someone had broken into your window and kidnapped you.That theory didnt make sense either because nothing had been missing and you always kept your bedroom window locked.You promised you wouldnt leave him.Maybe you had been forced to leave.He had to figure it out.He had to have you back.

#jj maybank #jj maybankxreader #jj maybank imagine #jj x you #jj maybank oneshot #jj #jj x reader #jj x y/n #rudy pankow #peter pan #neverland #pogue #kiara carrera #pope heyward #john b #sarah cameron

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diamondcamefromhell · 4 years

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Jaskier x Fem!Reader

Disclaimer: Yes, I am posting a lot of fics, yes I am okay. This one wasnt a request or anything, but I began to feel sad and anxious about a lot of things, but mostly the political climate at the moment, and when i feel low, i like to imagine my favorite munchkins comforting me, this time, i wrote it down, and i like how it came out, so i am sharing it. however, it does feel super intimate and what not, and I guess i wanted to let you know that it is coming from my literal soul, so pls dont judge the song part, i am not good at that, but i tried x

Warnings: Mentions of war, death. Swearing.

Summry: Y/N wakes up from a nightmare about impending doom of Nilfgaard taking over the continent, but your s/o Jaskier is there to comfort you, and you realize he needs comfort too. Basically some fluffy fluff of two in love, stressed people trying to calm each other down

Word count: 1,832

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I wake up, screams escaping my lips before I could catch them. My shaky breaths turn into clouds, disappearing into the night sky, until my view is filled with a face I know so well. Jaskier. He grabs my shoulders, his grey eyes staring into mine. I manage to take a breath in, before water works begin and he pulls me close. I listen to his heartbeat, as we sit in silence.

“I’m sorry.” I whimper, as he gently rubs my back. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be, Y/N.” His tone is soft and quiet, as he pulls away to look me in the eyes. “You are just scared.”

“I’m scared of nothing, Jaskier.” I argue, wiping away my tears. He sighs, holding me tighter.

“You are scared of Nilfgaard coming this way. You are scared of them wining.” I bite my lip. “You are scared of war.”

I pull away, brining my knees to my chest, isolating myself from the bard, who lets out a sigh in response. His hand lands on my knee, as he gives me a gentle smile.

“I’m scared too.” He admits as I stare at the night sky. Through the trees I can barely see any stars, but moon shines bright. I focus on that, blinking away the tears. “It’s natural to be scared.”

“You don’t have nightmares about what might happen, Jaskier.” I bitterly say, still not looking at him. My voice shakes and I hate it. “You don’t wake up screaming.”

“You are a sensitive soul.” He sits next to me now, wrapping one of his hands around my shoulders. “In a very cruel world.”

“The world is normal.” I close my eyes. “I am just weak.”

“Admitting where you may be weak, my sweetheart,” he rubs my cheek. “Is one of your biggest strengths.”

“Doesn’t change the fact that I am weak.” Bard sighs again. I know he disagrees.

“Even if you are, which you aren’t, there is nothing wrong with that.” He lifts his hand from my shoulder to mess with my hair, as I pull away, gently smiling. “If everyone was strong, there would be no such thing as… strong.”

“Geralt would still be strong.” I giggle, looking at my hands on my knees. Jaskier also laughs and I can see his breath turn into a little cloud.

“Geralt will always be strong.” Bard’s voice grows sad. “Even when he’s weak.”

“Do you think Nilfgaard will win?” I ask, resting my head on my palms. “Do you think we are on a losing side?”

“We are on a side of our friends and people we care about.” His voice stays sad, and I feel my heart ache. “Whether they’re losing or not, we are with them til the end.”

“I know that.” I agree, looking at the bard who’s staring at the moon. I wonder if he’s thinking of another song to write, looking at his eyes, this might be the saddest one yet. “But I don’t want to lose them. Lose everyone. Be alone again.”

“Or be dead.” Jaskier tries to joke, and I giggle.

“Yes, silly goose, I guess that too.” I straighten up. “I guess I wish we could help Geralt.”

“It’s his destiny, not ours.” I hate to agree, so instead I stand up, stretching.

The night is quiet and cold. Our small fire has gone out already. I look at the lute near it, trying to remember the last time Jaskier picked up a happy tune. It must’ve been weeks. Ever since Geralt left to claim his Child Surprise, the bard has been ever so sad.

I know they had a fight years ago, I was there. It took them years to make up, and even longer to fully go back to where they were before. Losing such a dear friend again was hard on Jaskier, and I didn’t really know how to help. We both knew, hoped, Geralt would be fine, the mighty Witcher must survive and come back with that child. We were sure of it, but yet scared, as Nilfgaard seemed to bravely move onwards, unafraid, with one goal on their mind.

Get the entire Continent under their rule.

So I started getting nightmares. Jaskier stopped playing his lute. These were dark times.

I go to the instrument, remembering all the times Jaskier tried to teach me how to play this stupid thing. I learnt, eventually, and he loved nothing more but to watch me play, even sing sometimes. We would pass days like this, creating music together.

Needless to say, it’s been ages since we done that.

“Jaskier.” I gently call out, placing the lute on my knees, gently touching the strings. “Sing with me.”

“What?” The bard looks confused, but he comes to me, kneeling before me. His eyes stare at my hands as I string the instrument again.

“I said sing with me.” I manage to smile. “I don’t know if I fully remember how to play this thing.”

“Your hands are placed wrong.” I see a spark in Jaskiers eyes and my cold heart melts a little. He gently corrects my arms, sitting next to me, our knees touching. I close my eyes for a moment, to enjoy the warmth he provides. “What do you want to sing?”

“What if I play, and you sing?” I say, opening my eyes, looking into his. I swear I could get lost in them, seeing galaxies and different worlds there. Feeling safe, finding home. “Whatever your heart desires.”

“We could do that.” He smiles, taking his eyes off me, making me focus back on the instrument. I strum the strings, a rather sad melody comes out, but I don’t try to force a cheerful tune, it felt like lute wouldn’t budge. I steal a glance at Jaskier, who is staring at the moon.

“Upon this full moon we find home, // the one we share with thousands more, // somewhere away, you see the embers, // the war is coming, the sky will tell you. // You look for friend, and hug your lover, // you grab your bow, your shield and arrows, // then reach for me, you know I’ll follow, // into the night, the war is coming.”

I glance at Jaskier again, his eyes closed now. I follow, closing mine too, just feeling the moment.

“You fight a battle that you may lose, // but dearest friend, I’ll lose it too // you’re not alone, just look around // this battlefield is your playground. // Your friends they’re standing next to you, // a sword, an axe, they’re ready too // so don’t you waver, please stay strong. // This war is not that far from over, // until we breathe, we keep on going, // and dawn will come to greet us soon, // my dearest friend, you’ll see it too.”

Jaskier goes quiet, so I stop the lute. The silence doesn’t feel heavy between us, but his song lingers in my bones, wrapping around me, helping me breathe. It gives me hope. I open my eyes to catch bard staring right back at me.

“You will see the dawn.” He assures me, and my heart skips a beat. I feel like a rock has been lifted of my chest, and I truly believe his words.

“Friend?” I tease him, and he smirks. His eyes lighten up.

“Lover.” He leans in for a kiss, and I don’t protest. He tastes like hopes and dreams, a better future. A thousand galaxies. I feel him smile, realizing I am in fact smiling too. I pull away, as he lets out a sigh, and I notice it doesn’t turn into a cloud again. “Maybe you are my destiny, Y/N.”

“What makes you say that?” I ask, putting lute down, so I could take his hand into mine.

“I can’t imagine my life without you.” He winks at me, making me blush. I know it’s probably too dark for him to see it. “And if I were to lose you, the world would see true calamity.”

“With your horrible break-up songs.” I tease again, and Jaskier laughs, jokingly pushing me away. I hate when he get’s all sweet like that, because he knows how much it actually means to me. Not that I show it. “And destiny did make us meet, but I’d like to think we choose each other.”

“Hm.” He agrees, but I roll my eyes.

“You are not Geralt, don’t hm at me.” He smiles, glancing at our hands.

“Can I say it?” He asks, quietly, and I am not sure if he’s talking to me, or himself. I take my free hand, placing it on his face, making him look at me.

“You can say whatever comes to your silly head, Jask.” I ensure him. He smiles, closing his eyes, leaning in, placing his forehead on mine.

“I love you, out of entire continent, out of all the species, I know, I would always only love you .” His voice is soft. Full of emotion, but soft. We have said I love you before, it wasn’t a first. But we usually reserve this whole saying for special moments. When we feel like our hearts will explode if we don’t express the love. Only when we truly, full-heartedly mean it. I smile, feeling tears prick my eyes yet again.

“I would always, without a doubt, choose you Jaskier. You don’t own my heart, that’s easy.” I feel him smile even more, as he chuckles. “You own my soul.”

“I’ll treasure it.” His lips land on mine again, but this time is more desperate one. Passionate too. Like we want to make sure each other is here, and we are truly not alone. We only pull apart when I run out of breath. I rest my head on his shoulder, my laughter sending a chill down his spine.

“You will make me suffocate if this keeps happening.” I tease, as he hugs me tighter.

“I will not apologize for wanting you so much, Y/N.” He responds to my tease. “You should be sorry.”

“I am sorry you can’t control yourself.” We both laugh, as he pulls me to the ground. I stare at the moon.

“You should get some more rest.” He whispers. “I will keep you close so any scary nightmare demons have to go through me, to get to you.”

“My knight in shining…” I glance at his red outfit, trying to find a word for it. “in shining whatever.”

“Shh.” He silences me, landing a kiss on my forehead, placing me on his chest.

“Don’t silence me.” I argue, already drifting to sleep. I feel his chest shake when he giggles.

“It’s time to rest, my dear.” Now I pull a Geralt, and hm at his words. His heart beat lulls me away.

Before I fully drift, I hear Jaskier silently sing: “and dawn will come to greet us soon, // my dearest lover, you’ll see it too.”

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mcuspidey-archive · 5 years

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bulletproof | t.h. — part one

Pairing: Agent!Tom x Agent!Reader

Word Count: 1.6k

Summary: You have one job. Get the evidence and get out. Should be easy enough but with your incredibly irresistible partner in your ear the whole time, it’s a little hard to stay focused.

Warning: A LOT OF DIALOGUE, crime, cursing, angst, major flirting like, did I mention dialogue !!!!

A/N: COLLAB WITH @thelazypangolin ! This started as a blurb request but I was so inspired and excited about it that I knew it had to be BIG and I couldn’t do it alone. I’m honored to be writing with her and we honestly are having so much fun with it that I’d be shocked if it didn’t turn into an entire series. (That will depend on the feedback we get so please let us know what you think ok?) We are just so proud of this and we really hope you enjoy it ❤️

Your hands reach for the computer that sat in front of you as drops of perspiration trickle down your forehead. You were well aware that the mission would be risky, but your lazy ass hated time-bound tasks enough for you to start stressing out.

Your hand finds the mini USB drive you had stashed in your back pocket earlier and despite it being a minute device, it would be the deciding factor on whether your assignment failed or succeeded.

“Y/N, you sure you can handle this one?” Tom’s voice flows softly through the tiny earpiece.

He was always teasing you and you loved it, but of course would never admit it. Rolling your eyes at the hidden cameras surrounding you, you hear him laugh.

“I can handle anything,” you assure him, a sly smirk spreads across your face. It was true and he knew it. You had only been working together for a few months and he already knew you better than anyone else ever had. You’re strong, the strongest person he knows, and so fearless. It was the reason you were offered the position in the first place because no matter what, you never backed down.

“I know. But are you sure you can stay focused, love? You look so sexy right now.” He tests you and you know he’s busy eyeing the black, skin-tight pants and red leather jacket that were hugging you in all the right places.

“Something tells me that you are the one who's having a hard time focusing, eh Holland?” you chuckle, hiding the underlying anxiety.

“I might be more focused if you dressed more professionally, ya know,” his voice saturates your being, officially distracting you. Though it wouldn't be exactly wrong to say that you did love all the distraction he brought to the job.

“Maybe I’m just trying to show you what you’ve been missing out on,” you say, a little too confidently. You knew you needed to be completely invested in the screen in front of you, but couldn’t help yourself. You dished it right back, only you were better at it and you wished you could see his reactions.

You hear his voice hitch and he lets out a soft groan. “You sure, this is the right time and the right place to show that?”

“Better now than never.” Your fingers tap nervously on all the possible combinations of numbers to unlock the information, yet you manage to let the words glide effortlessly.

“How 'bout after we’re done here?” He says, sending a shiver up your spine as you imagine the gorgeous, uneven grin he most likely had on his face. You gasp dramatically. “Tom Holland, are you asking me out?”

“I might be,” he says and a nervous laugh escapes his lips. It had been months of continuous flirting and ensuing tension between the two of you, and he chose now to do this?

Getting too caught up in him, you enter just enough wrong combinations.

The analogue display immediately sets to 10:00.

“Y/N?”

“I’m fine, it’s just- I may have set off the intruder alert, no big deal,” you try to brush it off. The fact that you made a mistake in the first place was bad enough.

“Y/N, they’re going to be there any minute, most likely armed, do you hear me? Get out!” Panic ringing clearly through his words.

09:00

“I uh-” you glance at the illuminated numbers. “-still have nine minutes. I can do this.” You fake confidence to pacify your partner's concerns but on the inside, you knew that you were fucked, big time.

“No damn it, the moment that clock hits zero, this entire building blows up and all the evidence with be destroyed. You are not going down with it,” Tom was almost yelling through the earpiece, his shrill voice making your already pounding heart beat out of your chest.

“Tom, I have nine-” you correct yourself as your eyes find the blinking red warning once again. “-eight and a half minutes and I can and will make it.”

It would go against the image you had worked so hard to maintain so no, you were not leaving this unfinished. You were given the nearly impossible task of catching these guys. Known to be one of the most dangerous group of criminals and their specialty? Importing stolen money which you were chosen to get proof of on the tiny USB drive now plugged to the computer. It was safe to say that you were scared, a feeling you weren’t familiar with because when it came to what you did for a living, you almost never felt fear. Now with the time still ticking down, 08:00, your nerves threaten to get the best of you.

“Come on, come on,” You urge the data percentage to move faster as it feels like it stays at 43% for hours instead of mere seconds.

Tom was still frantic, his melodic tone that usually calms you down, now builds you up and not in the good way.

“Listen to me, Y/N. Get out right now or I swear I will come in after you,” he scolded seriously and there was no doubt in your mind that he would. But you couldn’t let them get away with this and he was just going to have to trust you.

07:00

“I can’t,” you shake your head, about to say exactly what he didn’t want to hear. “I-I have to see this through, otherwise it’s all for nothing.”

“If they see you, you’re dead. If you hide and that timer stops, you're dead. You might be willing to risk your life but I’m not!” Tom yells again, needing you to just listen to him for once. You could tell he was pacing back and forth and with each step that echoed through the speaker, you felt more anxious and equally annoyed.

“I’m staying, Tom. I’ll be fine. You know I always am,” your wavering tone barely convincing you as you try to ease his frantic heart.

“This is different! Your life's on the line and I refuse to just sit in this damn van and let it happen.” He was trying everything because maybe something he said would change your mind. Or at the very least, his voice. Always calm and smooth as silk somehow, even when he was pissed off. One of his many features that typically made you weak, but right now? It just wasn’t enough.

As much as the situation was testing you, Tom's words weren't making it any better and engulfed with rage, you snap. “My life is always on the line. None of our missions are without risks!”

The deafening sound of Tom's fists slamming on the tabletop fills your ears, making you flinch. “There is no mission if you're dead,” he screamed and you take a deep breath and keep watching the data that was close to 78% now. Any second now.

“Can you hear me, Y/N?” Tom heaves a sigh and you swear you could feel his warm breath calm your nerves. You shut your eyes close and muster the courage to utter at least a single word that wouldn't shatter your hopes anymore.

“Please… Listen to me, I can’t lose you,” Tom's voice is a mere whisper and your heart sinks at the possibility of the inevitable.

Nevertheless, you shake your head and put your fingers to your ear. “Tom, I'll make it. Trust me,” you assure him and swallow harshly as your eyes well up. You never were the emotional one, you had aced the impossible before, but today just happened to be the day when your heart ached and you wished to melt in someone's arms. Tom's arms.

“I love you.”

You blink your eyes and furrow your brows. “What?”

“I said I love you, Y/N.” You feel the pain in his voice despite the barriers and your brimming eyes overflow just enough to let a tear stain your cheek.

03:00

“Y-you?” Your lip quivers and breath gets caught up in your throat. You sniffle and shut your eyes, it wasn't real. “Do you-”

“I have been in love with you ever since that first fucking day,” he said, sure and steady.

Silence.

You swallow harshly as your eyes watch the data percentage reach close to 98%. Your fingers tap on the table in front of you, ready to pull out the device and run for your life. To run to him.

“Y/N?” You feel heart-wrenching pain as your name rolls off his tongue. How little a gesture, yet still left you in misery.

01:00

“Dammit, talk to me!” The voice in your ears was loud, loud and desperate. You could even hear the tapping of his foot, like the world silenced every other sound so you could savour the last moment, let his words engulf you for the last time.

100%

“Done,” you manage to slip the word out.

“Run, Y/N!” he screams over the comms and you inhale deeply. Show time.

Your fingers wrap around the device and you pull it with a jerk and take to your heels. Your vision grows hazy and you hastily wipe your eyes with the back of your hand but it doesn't help. Your pools were clouded, but your thoughts weren't. Tom was quiet yet his voice was still playing at the back of your mind like a broken record and you loved it. Maybe it was the last time that you got to hear it and if so, at least it was filled with the love that you desperately needed.

You stumble and then regain your balance.

You had done this before.

You harshly clear your throat and part your lips to let the words out. You couldn't wait to be in his arms, to tell him that you felt exactly the same but your current situation wasn't assuring your chances of escape. You take a gust of air in through your parted lips and manage to push the words out.

00:00

“I lo-”

Boom.

My masterlist | Amy’s masterlist

Taglists: @hollandroos @badhollandfluff @eveanne-03 @brookestreewolf @bonfirelohve @spideymood @sensitivesapphic @hollandofthefree @uglypastels @spideybitey18 @rainbow-marvel @moonkissedtom @andwhatdostarsdobest @marcymakemagic @spideychronicles @starlightfound @summertime-acoustic @notsolivelyadele @hollandfieldblurbs @itslizabitch8021

Tags: @hazsterfield @tomhollandeu @kick-namestake-ass @starksparker @curlytoms @screamholland @tomnhaz @pbnjparker @starkschurro @spiderboytotherescue @theprincesofasgard @spdys @anthonyed @hollandsbaby @petalparker @madmadmilk

#tom holland #tom holland au #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland imagine #bulletproof series #??????#BUT FINALLY GUYS IM SO EXCITED I HOPE YOU LIKE IT AGABSJZNDJ #❤️❤️❤️#writing #amykins

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sollea · 5 years

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Kingdom Hearts Mermaids AU Characters: Lea, Isa, Sora, Riku Relationship: LeaIsa, (non-mentioned) SoRiKai Word Count: 1583

Note: I’m gonna be doing more of this AU, keep an eye out. I have a lot planned. Lea + Isa picture here. Other mermaid information here. I’m reposting to try to get this into the search because for some reason the first try wasn’t.

“Hey, Isa, you remember that time I almost killed you?”

“You’re going to have to be more specific than that, Lea. You do that regularly.”

Lea rolled his eyes and swam up and above Isa, reaching down and dangling his arms in front of his best friend as they swam together. He silently recalled when he had to be more careful around Isa, glad for that time being over. “Nah, you know what I mean. I’ve never actually almost killed you.”

“Didn’t you just ask about the time you did?”

“Yeah, yeah. I know.”

“I need you to think for a second, just a second. Why would I forget one of the most painful experiences I’ve ever had?” Isa paused his swimming and let Lea circle back so he could still be talking to Isa while looking down from above.

“I was kinda hoping you’d still be unwilling to say it like that, but you’re right. I was just thinking about how glad I am that I can touch you now.”

Isa reached up to prick his finger against one of Lea’s spines, it barely felt like anything after years of getting used to it.“It’s been ages, aren’t you used to being able to touch me without being incredibly careful by now?”

“Doesn’t mean it doesn’t make me happy.”

Isa laughed and looked up at Lea, reaching up and cupping his face to make sure they locked eyes. He couldn’t deny Lea being so outwardly sentimental was something he loved about him. “What was your point, Lea? Did you have one or did you just want to be a dork?”

Lea moved his hand over Isa’s and smiled. “I’m just thinking about it. I was really scared you weren’t going to be my friend anymore because of that and here we are, you’re in love with me and-”

“Don’t know who said that.”

“And I love you.”

“As you should.”

“You refused to let me know you were hurting that bad, you were really strong. You’re always so strong. I just love you.”

“Sappy. Is something going on?”

“No. I really was just thinking about how nice it is to not have that happen anymore. No poisoning my friend with hugs. Now I just bother my boyfriend by being clingy.”

“Sounds like you’ve had a couple changes, then. Why are we just talking about the almost killing me part of the story?”

“Because I’m trying to get to a point.”

“You said you didn’t have one.”

“Ugh! Just stop making fun of me for two seconds. You’re obnoxious.”

“Oh? Am I really the obnoxious one?”

“Yes! Why do I even like you?”

“I’m told you’re in love.”

“Wish I wasn’t in love with someone so mean to me.”

“I’m not mean to you. I could be. Do you want me to be mean to you?”

“No. Isa.”

“Then you know I’m being as nice as I can be?”

“Isa, can you just shut up and let me talk?”

“Hah, you think I’m able to keep you from talking? You?”

“Alright, shut up.”

“Really rude to keep saying that.” Moving up in the water to press his lips to Lea’s for a moment, Isa laughed. “You like hearing me talk. You enjoy my voice.”

“If you’d let me get to my point, Isa.” He left emphasis on the second syllable as he waited to be interrupted. When there was no interruption, he sighed. “I’ve been thinking about that because of how many things we still do come from not being able to touch you. When you kiss me outside of saying hey, it makes me remember watching Aeleus help you into the castle when I hugged you. Y’know, that should’ve had you paralyzed?”

“Yes, I’m aware. Are we really going over some backstory? Can’t we just continue this swim, head up to the beach, and relax there while it’s empty?”

“Am I not allowed to talk to my best friend anymore?”

“You are, but your boyfriend is getting impatient.”

“Then tell him to stop being an asshole.”

“He’s not about to listen, he’s just as stubborn as you are. Now, seriously, come on. There’s nothing we can’t talk about while relaxing somewhere even just a little safer than open ocean between islands.”

“Fine.”

“And I bet you don’t remember what your point was anyways.”

“I just told you what it was.”

“Oh? Was that it?”

“I hate you.”

Isa laughed and rolled his eyes, deciding to let that empty statement stand, returning to the other part of what he’d been saying. “We wouldn’t be between islands if you just remembered where we were going.”

“You could’ve told me I was swimming the wrong way.”

“You’re almost always ahead of me. It’s your fault for going so far so fast.”

“You could’ve noticed.”

“Excuse me for trusting the one who decided to take the lead.”

“You weren’t even trusting me, I know you better than that.”

“Fine, I was laughing at you for going the wrong way, but we didn’t run into any humans with nets, so it’s fine.”

“If that’s your metric, then, yeah, I guess. You sure you’re going to be fine doing your job when we get back?”

“If I’m too tired for the day, the world won’t fall apart if I don’t go in.”

“But you will.”

“Yes, I will. Of course I will. You will too.”

“Nah, I’m gonna skip out. Be irresponsible and sleep all day. Place won’t fall apart without me.”

Isa rolled his eyes and wrapped his hands around Lea’s wrists carefully, webbing between his fingers getting in the way of a full and comfortable grasp. He wasn’t going to say it aloud, but he really did want to just sit on the beach with Lea and look up at the moon until they were too dry to stay on land. “Lea, start moving, I want to get home eventually, but the moon is full tonight.”

“You’re the one who stopped?”

Isa didn’t respond to Lea and instead opted to swimming forward with a small tug of Lea’s arms before letting go to continue swimming. He could be much faster when he wanted to be, a tuna tail was much better suited to going quickly than anyone who had only met Isa alone would be led to believe. Lea had to fight to keep up with Isa.

“Hey, Isa, slow down.”

“You can keep up, I believe in you.”

“Why am I dating you?”

“Why am I dating someone so slow?”

“Ugh! Fine. I don’t want to race, though, so slow down a little bit?”

Isa fell back, swimming at Lea’s pace and bumping their hips together. Lea still had the tendency to be careful around other people, despite Isa being all but completely immune to his sting because of the constant exposure. Isa had no such care. Lea responded to the bump by wrapping his tail around Isa’s, taking a position most used for comfortable relaxing while not moving.

“You really don’t want to let me see the moon above the water tonight, do you?”

“We’re still moving. You know how to pull me around, I know you do.”

“You’re lucky your tail isn’t as short as your dad’s is.”

“And you’re not. Pull me along.”

“Don’t be lazy.”

“Too late. I’m comfortable. And I know you can do this for a significantly longer time.”

Isa just sighed, shaking his head at Lea’s dorky actions. He loved Lea a great deal, but sometimes it was difficult… this was not one of those times, Isa found, as he glanced back to look at Lea’s smirk.

They didn’t have that far to go, so the rest of their swim was in silence. They pulled themselves onto the deserted beach carefully and hacked the water up out of their lungs.

As soon as they were comfortably on the beach and breathing air, Lea flopped backwards into the sand and groaned. “I will never be used to that.”

“What?”

“Having to cough up that much water.”

“You’ll never get used to anything different than your first two years alive, will you?”

“Oh, shut up. You wanted to lay here and talk and look at the moon, so lay down with me.”

Isa rolled his eyes and laid down next to Lea, holding his arm out so he could be leaned against if Lea decided he wanted to. And of course Lea wanted to.

Just as Lea got comfortable, there was a sound of footsteps that was just too close for comfort. Lea moved away and began to slide back into the water and Isa followed behind him.

They got into the water just as a pair of human children locked eyes with them.

“Wait, no, don’t go!” One of the children called out to the mermaids, reaching his hand out only to have the other grab him and hold him back.

“Sora, leave them alone. Kairi didn’t want to be seen either.”

“Yeah, but… We’re friendly.”

The mermaids stared at the gently arguing children in confusion, slowly backing up in the water so they could have a good distance between them. Where had they picked up this human language?

Suddenly, Lea realized the humans had said a name.

“...Did you say Kairi?” Lea was too curious to continue the act of self preservation Isa was still anxious to do, but not without Lea. He knew that and he could see Isa ready to bolt, but he needed to know.

#kingdom hearts #lea #isa #leaisa #akusai #kh #sora #riku #at the end #they'll be there more later #kh mermaids au

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everythingmustgo · 5 years

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do tell your stories from psych ward please?

ok I have a lot bc I was there a whole 3 months and ive been remembering things abt it cuz of the time of year

the first ward I was in was the worst like honestly. nasti. it was like living in a waiting room, the sitting room had no sofas just like kinda padded wooden chairs and there were no real activities except "arts nd crafts" which was colouring in (god dont even). also they locked ppl in their rooms sometimes which was scary.

this sounds made up but I swear this was how it happened... the first person who talked to me after I arrived nd decided to go into the sitting room came up to me and asked me "are u happy?". I was still lowkey off my face recovering from an od and didnt kno what to say so I was like .. yes?? and he looked surprised like honestly????? so I was like no?? so he asked why and I must have looked bewildered cuz he was just like u dont wanna talk about it?? ok. and left me alone

the week I was there the ward was locked so we werent allowed out but there was a garden w a big wooden chair everyone called the schizo chair lol. I played cards w this guy who was actually an angel bless him he told me he made a genre of music called space techno and it was his dream to play piano in front of an audience. he made me a card and I have it on my wall.

while I was there there was a documentary on the bbc about how poor the standard of care was at this particular unit and we all sat round and watched it 🤪 it was p unsettling but thankfully I never experienced anything like what they were saying in the documentary and I heard a lot different opinions and experiences from a lot of different patients.

the 2nd ward I was in was nicer and a bit comfier and I met a lot of nice ppl. there was a woman who screamed a lot at night who I sort of became friends but I was a bit scared of her, I remember her letting me sit in the corner w her w all these towels and blankets and a bunch of junk like a pile of rubber bands and a vase and a toast rack??? and we put flowers in plastic bottles for some reason that I cant remember but I kept it by my bed with the sunflowers my parents gave me and we shot rubber bands at eachother which made me laugh and the nurses looked confused af. she let me come into her room and gave me this gross vegan turkey and we lay on the floor w our feet on her bed and looked out the window but I accidentally upset her by saying a word that triggered her and I had to leave her room. she saw me later on and hugged me and said it wasnt my fault.

there was a man who knew everything abt 80s pop like u could say any 80s pop song and hed tell u who sang it and the year and month it came out but he didnt rly understand social boundaries so hed come and hang out while my parents were there a lot. he also wanted to wear my clothes lol

I remembered the other day that I ended up putting my notebook in the shower after I wrote some trauma related stuff which makes me laugh to think about like god what a mental bitch

I was in the last ward in a different hospital like 2 months. it was by far the nicest one lol I had my 20th birthday there and my mum got me a stevie nicks hat and I just wore it around the ward cuz I thought well they think im crazy anyway so whatevs.

I went a progressively off the shits before my birthday (thought I was gonna die before then) and got sectioned twice, wouldnt sleep just paced around my room, stopped taking my meds which once they figured out they considered forcibly injecting me w antipsychs (thankfully they went against this on account of Mad Trauma), stole a butter knife and a pin badge and hid them in my room, got put on constant observation on account of crazy bitch shenanigans etc.

I was so determined to not take my meds that one time I had to fill out some form immediately after being given my meds and I kept it in my mouth the WHOLE TIME they were waiting for me to finish it. by the time they left it had mostly dissolved anyway lol.

I made friends w a woman in the first ward who got transferred to this hospital so it was nice to have someone I knew there. I still see her sometimes, shes from my town (not gon lie half my town was in that ward) and honestly she made the whole experience kind of bearable. she was always writing and playing music for us

there was a nurse there who helped me so much and I love him to bits and miss him every day, he was rly interested in basically preventing young ppl like me from ending up in hospital, he had rly cool tattoos and was bald w a big beard but had this soft irish accent and was rly kind and gentle. I remember him telling me one of the best things he ever did was getting over the hatred of disco music and when hes anxious he puts on disco music and dances lmao. also he taught me doing fake karate when ur anxious helps a lot.

I used to get dominos 2 for Tuesdays with this guy who wore a huge white leather jacket and told me eminem was going to give him a million pounds and he was going to use it to legalise weed and cure HIV and honestly I loved him sm he was real quiet and constantly paced up and down the corridors but he was rly nice to talk to. he hugged me sometimes which was nice too but the nurses werent keen on that

one of the nicest things was that there was a little garden outside this one visiting room and a couple of times my parents brought my dog with them to come see me and I got to sit in the garden and play with him

ok I have way more but this is already so much dkrjfjkkd

#also some of them r pretty awful so idk if i should share on here 🤪

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graciouslypure · 5 years

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Playschool

Assalamualaykum Faahimmmm!

Jom bangun mandi nak pergi sekolah!

He pulled the duvet up to his chest, smiling.

He didnt budge, even after few encounters.

He playfully grabbed the pillows and hugged them.

He rolled up and down the bed, with his cheeky smile and twinkling eyes.

I on the other hand, cant help myself laughing.

I called my husband at work with hope he'll succeed in persuading him, but.

No choice.

We were running late. Picked him up for a quick shower and got him ready about 10 minutes. Wasnt easy at all, didnt want to shower, he rolled while putting diaper, ran while putting on shirts, or combing his hair, plus other mischievous acts.... but I managed alhamdulillah.

It was raining.

As we neared the school, my heart thumped harder, felt heavier and anxious-ness spiked!

By this time, my toddler was already intrigued by the small play area outside the school and cant wait to get off the car.

I pulled out the colourful umbrella and brought him in the school compound.

Sounds of nursery rhymes and kids playing were heard. Two 3 year olds came out and called out: Baby! Baby!

The teacher went: He's not a baby, he's two already, just like you..

Fahim hold on to me tight.

Fahim go inside, meet new friends?

Scared was written on his face. And he started to tremble.

I quickly put him down and the teacher picked him up inside.

He saw lots of other friends and barely noticed me leaving. But I called out his name to say bye. At that time I was quite perplexed. That's it? He didnt even salam or kissed me! (I know, selfish.) My voice trembled. He turned and started crying.

Then,

They closed the door.

My heart thumped harder. My eyes blurred.

This is it.

Turn around and go home.

Got in the car and told eveything to my husband, then my mom came. (She too was excited to send of her first grandchild to school).

Parents kena tabah. Sampai bila nak peluk je anak awak tu. Dah besar la tu kena belajar berdikari.

Past milk time, the teacher sent his photos. He played. Painted. Cuddled by the teacher. But. He did not looked genuinely happy... Tears rolled down my cheeks. But it was his first day. No. Our first day. We are in this together, son.

It was hard for both of us.

School ends. Teacher reported that he only cried when I left and when he remembered me (or home) during his playtimes. Cant he speak? She politely asked. His friends were trying to converse with him but they couldnt understand him... Oh, he has delayed speech problem. On my last visit to the paedetrician, she suggested playschool. So I inquired if we could have trial classes here. We'll see how it goes, as I have opted for speech therapy classes too.

Good first try!

Allah help us for the nexts.

Assalamualaykum Fahim, Good morning!

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soapstore · 5 years

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ok im stressed bc of my exam tomorrow but also i have this close friend and i think he has like a crush on me. which is bad bc he has a girlfriend!! but she goes to school in another town so they dont see each other often. and ive been hanging out and studying together with him a lot.

and yesterday he stayed over at my dorm and we shared a bed and hugged, bc i only have the one bed, and in the morning i asked him what he was thinking about, to like fill the silence, and he said “about whether or not to do something stupid and with consequences”. and i kind of laughed about it like haha do you mean like right now bc i didnt think he would. but he got really quiet and we changed the topic for a while. but then he said he was thinking about this: and gave me a kiss on the cheek. and i immediately tried to turn it into a joke but it was rly awkward and he was like oh shouldnt have done that. and we didnt mention it again but like wow it was awkward after that.

and we’re rly close and ive thought about how we might consider dating if he wasnt already in a relationship. but he is which made that thought easier lol bc i dont have to decide anything if its out of the question anyway. like ive never dated anyone before and it scares me a little. (also i think i would want to date a girl)

but what mostly makes me anxious is the thought of me making his and his girlfriends relationship complicated because i really really dont want to cause either of them any difficulties.

so now im kind of uncomfortable talking to him but i also dont want to like. cut him off bc we really are good friends i think :/ he has kissed me on the cheek once before too but then he was drunk and i was already a little worried back then but i could brush it off but. i cant now bc he said would have consequences. idk am i reading into this too much? like it would have been fine if he hadnt said that sentece

and i know im going to have to talk to him about it bc thats a lot better than marinating in my worries by myself but like that sounds like an incredibly awkward conversation. hey remember that kiss you gave me. what was up with that.

also i think this is the closest friendship i have atm so i really want it all to work out :(

#ignore this im rambling and i just want to write it down somewhere

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anxietyfuckingsucks-blog1 · 7 years

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Mod Sun

mod is a short form of modern and sun is always bright and brilliant but deady if too close

what does this say about his being and who he aspires to be? whatever and whoever this is, is positive and filled with glowing intentions

modern sun. a being who is young and in the current moment..lets face it were always young and time is nonexistent to me--still debating it though bc is anything ever truly nonexistent? anyway, i see an old soul and old friend through this. i am a child of everything. i find myself in everyone and find everyone in myself.

although i lean towards helping people in negative situations, my favorite are those who conquer and turn hardships into productivity. even people who have not had the same hardships as myself, or maybe less in general, and always remain so upbeat BLOW me out of the water. I aspire to be like them in that sense. through this ive made friends of all kinds.. one was a boy in high school who i became rather close with. I was an “outcast” and he played all sports possible which he somehow always succeeded in. He was widely known and was known usually for coming across as an asshole, and oh man, sometimes, he really was. We clashed heads and opinions lots, but our good times outweighed any disagreement by a landslide.

i remember the first time i saw him. i had my usual resting bitch face on and he looked at me, and i glared at him. he smiled and laughed and said “cheer up, buttercup!” and i responded with “dont tell me what to do”

he looked at me a little weird but throughout time we had classes together and passed each other in the hallways. he always took the time to say hello in an excited and energetic manner.

it threw me off, but i was curious. i sat with him one day in class and complimented something that i cannot remember. friendship was not immediate, but hugs started becoming a once in a while thing, and by the time i hit senior year, they were daily.

senior year gym class we had all year together. one day he forgot his clothes and i was like MAAAN WHAT THE FUCK WHO AM I GONNA TALK TO? um the answer was other people because i enjoyed everyone but he was my fave along with a girl from another class of mine

he didn’t react right away and shrugged and walked away. this was SO not like him so i gave him space, told him i was here when he was ready, and would observe him silently. being a wallflower is beautiful.

the next day we saw each other in gym and i offered a hug. i told him that one of the things i appreciated most about him was his energy and that although i understood he couldnt always have it, i missed it. he smiled and sighed and we sat down on a bench and was like “can i talk to you?” my face must have lit up and i was like “yes but quick run into the locker room and change back into normal clothes before the doors lock.” he was like uh, okay, but why? that kills your grade and youre a fucking bitch about getting grades

i laughed so hard and was like “because silly, if were gonna talk were gonna do it right. ill sacrifice my grade for you to feel like someone has their full attention on you.”

we both bolted and came back out. it was the first time we had more than 30 mins max to talk and have a full convo. through that convo, i realized he didnt have as much as i had preconceived him to. i realized that he hurt, his life wasn’t perfect. although he was talented he felt lonely and felt as if no one understood him. we spent our time sitting side by side outside and looking around, and planned a day together at our school’s ropes course.

a few weeks later he “forgot” his clothes and asked me to “forget” mine. we went up to the ropes course that day with the class, but sat aside to talk. we laughed so hard we were in tears, everyone was looking at us oddly but we had not a care in the world.

later on we would revist that course together and jumped around and moved through it. i was not as agile as he, but i admired how he could do these things almost effortlessly...even though the course creaked and squeaked and felt like it could be a death trap. i also admired how he laughed at my failure and made rude jokes but would immediately come over to pick me up off the ground and then say “watch me” ..through trial and error i became slightly better and enjoyed that i was doing it more. i was less embarassed, more willing to do it without hesitation.

through this we bonded mentally and physically. i trusted him more. id let him pick me up during hugs which i NEVER did. we gave each other piggy back rides randomly because we felt like it. the image is funny..a “scene” kid with a face that was mainly stone and intimidating at first...on the back of a jock. i was always smiling in some way. whether he was running to give me a scare and i was screaming at him, or whether we did it with leisure, we were always smiling. sometimes hed carry me or my books while telling me about his life and deciding on whether or not he just wanted me to listen or offer advice as well.

we were always a funny image. two seemingly opposites who always found a way to attract. he started borrowing things from me, band shirts, brass knuckle necklaces. he told me how pretty i looked in more feminine clothes. we both loved who were were at heart, but enjoyed seeing the other one take on something more similar to the other person, even if it wasnt comfortable at first.

we had an affectionate friendship, but at the same time, always kept our distances. we had interests in each other that allowed us to be fascinated with each other together and apart. we never went beyond a hug for three years i believe. i went my way, he went his. but if we came back in sight, we acknowledged each other. we talked outside of school here and there, but rarely ever hung out.

through a gym conversation with him, he told me that sometimes he would go home and look up words in the dictionary to try to learn them so that he could come in to school and impress me. he told me that he felt intimidated by the flow of my words even though they always had a way to do whatever i wanted them to. he said i made him feel dumb. WHYYY the fuuuuck would he feel like this? just because i was a decent student didn’t mean that I couldnt enjoy someone who didn’t excell as much in something as i did. I brought my hands over my face and said through them something along the lines of “duuuude what the FUCK” and i removed my hands and said “i am so sorry, that is never my intention. you did not have to do that bc i love you for who you are and who you truly aspire to be”

that was the first time i said i loved him where i could feel it. worlds collided and somehow meshed together. i realized that even intelligence and stupidity could find common grounds. and through that, he has taught me much. i am forever grateful for him and will carry him in life with me.

of course he picked up on “i love you�� and my immediate face of realization and shock afterwards. he smiled and questioned it as if he needed the extra reassurance. i made a face and he said “cheer up buttercup” i smiled, he hugged me, and we split our ways to enjoy our other friends in the class.

although we both thought we were attractive, we did not go beyond that for three years. sometimes hed smack my ass but id turn right around and hit him back. cant tell you how many times in sports he would do something a little harder than i could handle. sometimes things would fly at me and hit me and hurt so bad that id turn around and immediately be red. this happened so often that I would drop whatever i was doing and walk at him and jump at him. id bring him to the ground sometimes. although i never seriously hurt this person physically, I learned how to approach him in a way that he understood not to fuck with me. and i knew that his intentions were never bad. the tennis balls that hit me so hard it left bruises, to the little things hed throw at me to get my attention, we grew. i took a class with him and another boy one time. this other boy spiked a volleyball to the head so hard that it knocked my friend out. i was red in the face immediately but held back my anger because my mothering instincts kicked in full swing. i helped him up, took him to the nurse, and talked to him after he had time to rest. a few days later, that same boy did the same thing to me. but it was different this time. it hit my face so hard (i was turned to the side and not paying attention, so my b i guess) that the whole class turned to look. i was extremely anxious with the attention on me. plus it looked like i was crying but really i was just trying to rub the sting off my face lol. but the boy did something he didnt do to my friend the other day, he laughed. my friend was immediately like man WHAT the fuck come on. he came to my side but by that time it was too late. the girl who was mainly quiet and to herself...5′2 walked up to one of the tallest and well known guys of our graduating class...and she let loose. I had a method in my anger, and when he laughed it off, i walked away. my words were out. what was said was over and done. what he took of it was on him and i knew i did what i could. much to my surprise that night the boy messaged me over facebook and apologized to me. he said he reflected on what i said. the next day in gym i approached him calmly with a small smile and told him that i appreaciated his words and that as long as he was not rude, we had no beef between us. he dated people i knew. i dated people he knew. we dated strangers to one or both of us. but we were always super protective over each other. what hurt him, hurt me. what hurt me, hurt him.

i will never forget our first kiss and how incredibly awkward it was for both of us. it was worth the shot, but we felt nothing that lit a romantic fire. we trialed it twice, but acknowledged it didn’t come naturally to us. and that was okay. if it was meant to be, it would be.

i will never forget graduation. i dressed up and looked very feminine. but at the same time, i was in all black and carried my unique style with me as well. we bumped into each other and both looked up and down. i realized how manly he looked and how proud i was of him and how excited i was to hear of his future trials, tribulations, and triumphs. we wished each other well on our way, and that was the last time i saw him until a year later.

a year after graduation we got into a convo. we talked about everything and planned a visit although he moved further away. one night he came to me crying and told me that he missed me so much and felt so lost again. told me that he missed high school because the highlight of his day was always seeing me. i could get him like no other no matter what without a single pass of judgement. that i was the only person he could think of that could do that.

although this is quite a compliment, i took it humbly. he was hysterical, it was late and my car wasn’t great. i asked for his address and told him to expect me within an hour and a half. i told my parents i was going to a girlfriend’s house and left.

When i pulled up to his place he was sitting in the rain on a rail outside. as soon as he saw my headlights he walked over and pulled me out of the car and hugged me and swallowed hard and deep and sighed. of course, we let go and he snapped at me BITCH YOUVE BEEN GONE FOR TOO LONG...now lemme help you park your car its tricky here.

We went inside, he gave me a tour. We talked with his mom and brother and then went out back to sit on the porch. We caught up little by little, but talked mainly about what bothered us most. We smoked a little weed, made some food, went inside, i helped him clean, i watched him play videogames bc hes a huge nerd but its cute when someone is passionate about something that does no harm, so whatever. but as i started drifting off, he told me that i could take the bed and that he wasn’t sleeping for quite some time. the last thing i remember before falling asleep was warm lips on my forehead and the feel of a fan on me since he had no ac and the humidity and heat made us uncomfortable.

i woke up that morning to make the drive home so i wouldnt be home too late. when i opened my eyes i realized he was passing out next to me and had put up a pillow wall between us and grabbed extra blankets so we could each have our own just in case. he looked over and i had a look on my face that he knew well. he chuckled and said “the truth? i wanted to be close to you without weirding you out or making you uncomfortable. i kept an eye on you while you slept. sometimes you shivered, so i grabbed blankets. sometimes you made a troubled face so id put my hand back and reach for your arm...ALSO WHEN THE FUCK DID YOU GET AN ARM TATT?!”

I got up and told him to get comfortable but told him we could talk later, but that I was going to stay with him until he fell asleep. I changed my clothes, went to the bathroom, but always peeked back in. it wasn’t long before he was asleep. i wish i would have said something like “see you later, friend” instead of “bye”

he sleepily told me to text him when i got home so he knew i was safe. and like that, he was out.

we did talk later. but that was the last time that we had a hangout without troubles or worries...with our phones aside, where we were more free and less shackled. its been months. i miss my friend, but i will carry him with me forever. i trust in the fact that what will be, will be. i can miss him but acknowledge now is not the moment to be close. so i often follow thoughts such as “i miss my friend” with thoughts that are confident and true..such as “but he is strong and we have a bond that is unlike any other, we will come around” i say we because relationships are group efforts as much as your own. i believe that everything should aim to be 50/50. we will come around. we both have things in our life that made this moment less possible currently. but we will grow. we will learn. and one day, we will reconnect again in some way, shape, or form.

it was while listening to a mod sun playlist where i realized i could relate a song to several situations, and several situations to EVERY song. thank you my dear!:)

howlin at the moon thoughts

did it again last night, turned into an animal, wolf howl

it is my belief that animals and humans are much more connected than we currently understand as populations in whole

the wolf howl interested me because my spirit animal is a wolf and i have always found myself having qualities of my wolf, but also qualities about myself. A wolf represented me, but wasnt me?

animalistic behavior

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this-blog-should-not-exist · 7 years

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It’s a blog for a reason

Idk if i’ll keep up with this actually or not but its a blog for a reason, they’re places were you can talk about whatever the fuck you want. I said Id do the same thing with my personal blog but also I follow some friends on that blog and they probably don't want to hear about the stuff I get up to or my little depressive episodes. I mean sure they’ll show their concern but that only goes so far I guess.

Idk I mean it’s just a place for me to talk, I once started a google docs document where I had the idea to start writing like a guide? i guess you could call it but where I would write the name of someone I knew, one of my friends, a family member, ex boyfriends, whoever then I would create an entry of who they were, their interactions with me, my relationship with them and what I thought of them or their like defining character traits or actions that stood out to me. The benefit with this though I guess is that I can just type whatever comes to mind as i type it. Sometimes it could be organized and tie into older posts if I keep up with it or it could just be on the fly stories and recollections of thing that have happened to me or what I’m feeling at the time. Ive meant or at least had the idea to actually physically write this or start a journal where I could do the same thing but that would take me much longer to do where typing I can do much faster and get more thoughts out. Plus writing for so long and about so much makes my hand hurt after a while and I can’t talk about all I wanted to because I can't keep writing. I don't have that problem with typing XD

I guess I could start with some recent events that have been on my mind. So I guess about like 2 months ago? I had gotten a Tinder. That in itself was an event XD Ive always been both curious and scared of it because in my mind meeting someone on tinder doesn't feel as genuine when meeting someone by chance or passing or words between friends to meet someone new. But I had gotten one and within a few weeks I had made quite a few matches, however none of them seemed really into it. Half of them never messaged me back and only seemed to be there for the sake of getting a match, others may have talked back but didn't seem interested in trying to start something or meet up for a date. I had finally gotten one guy to go on a date with me, I had never really talked to him but Ive seen his face around because we had some friends within the same social group but like I said, never really met or talked to him only seen him on like instagram before. We had gone on one date and texted a bit but he just wasnt for me. I called him a “real flower child” is the best way I can describe it. Now I don't mean to offend anyone but also who the fuck is gonna read all this, this is only my first like text blog post no one really cares its more for me to get this out. Anyway I call him a real flower child because he's very outdoorsy and loves nature and Lana Del Ray and has the whole nose ring piercing, curly hair, circular glasses, he actually said once “the world make me sad” as he took a bath with candles and a bath bomb, he also said “wine makes me cry” which I mean ok maybe wine does make people drunk cry but still its all about his aesthetic. Its a fun aesthetic but that’s just not for me.

After him I had an occasional match but I ran into the same problem where either no one wanted to talk and was just there for a match or they never seemed interested. I had given up on the app really but I kept it around because in the back of my head I'm thinking like alright, its all good, I'm a patient person it just takes some time, you never know I may meet someone actually, and then last week I matched with two guys. One that lives on the other side of Columbus and one that lives just outside of Easton. The one on the other side of Columbus is really cute and had a lot of the same interests and is just kinda quirky and fun, I just haven't met him yet but we both want to meet up. Now the other one I’ll just say J, he lives outside of Easton and I went on my first date with him on Sunday. It was a good day, we had wandered around Easton, gone out to eat and saw a movie. He also has a lot of the same interests as me, video games, some anime, youtube, but thats about it actually now that I think about it. He's a little rough, like more aggressive but in a sarcastic way I guess. But we vibe well together i feel. Shorter than me, has contacts, wears glasses occasionally mostly at home really. He's 21 as well which I mean sure Im 19 but I guess thats where Im also attracted to him because he's a little older, he’s more mature than some of my past boyfriends but also has a childish side like me. Thats where we’re similar. We went and saw Mother! which I guess was supposed to be a phycological thriller but it was really dumb to us, it didn't make much sense. I was during the movie where I first kissed him, I had wanted to earlier as well but I didn’t feel like it was right yet. It made me laugh though that that was the movie we saw and decided ah yes, this is a good movie to kiss and cuddle and hold hands to.

After the movie I didn't quite want to leave yet because I was getting pretty attached to him that night so we went back to his apartment for the night. I watched him play Skyrim for a bit, he let me try out Overwatch while him and his roommate had gone to get her some pizza. Which I thought like alrighty, this is okay, just leave me alone at your apartment even though I literally just physically met you today. They came back after like a half hour, eventually me and him went back to his room, we made out for a good while on and off. He wanted to take a bath together which I had never done before. My last boyfriend had suggested it but I never really wanted to much. We got the water running for a second but I was really anxious, I had gotten my shirt off but I didn't take off my pants. He was already in his underwear, it took me a second but eventually he also kinda forced me as in getting close and kissing me then pulling down my shorts and underwear. I was really awkward at that point. It took me like 2 months before my last boyfriend had seen me naked and no one before him has seen me naked, its just not my thing its weird, I just don't like it much. But anyway so we had gotten in the shower instead, I was still pretty anxious. My legs were shaking I was hugging my body, it was just generally uncomfortable but within a few minutes I had mostly gotten over it. It just make me feel really weird. After the shower we got out and just laid on his bed for a bit still naked. I had gotten over it by that time but there was still some after feelings that I guess I didn't notice as much since we were making out again. Eventually we but our underwear back on and a t shirt and went to bed after about another hour or so.

The next morning we just stayed in bed really until I had to leave to go back home because mom was wondering where I was, I had texted her last night that I was staying there with him so that was taken care of. Eventually I got home and that was that. He had actually invited me to a party one of his coworkers was having that night but I had already stayed with him one night and I had to but up early the next morning for work so I told him no I couldn't which of course he was pouting over a little but in a playful way that you would when your flirting with someone. So that night I actually ended up going to a party at my other friends house till like 1am but THAT was ok because he only lived like 5 minutes away from home compared to an hour that J lived. That was Monday night, the first date was Sunday and I stayed with J Sunday night. I worked early on Thursday morning but then he came out to my house that afternoon. We played some Mario Kart Double Dash at my house then drove out to my friends house Ive been housesitting for to technically grab some wires for my Wii but then we ended up taking another bath in their huge bathtub with jets for about an hour and a half which was nice. I was used to being naked with J by now. We watched some youtube while in the bath, made out for a bit again. Then we got dressed and drove back to my house. By the time we got back it was about 1am when I wanted to get to bed because between Sunday and Monday night I had gotten about 8 hours of sleep total. So he left and that was Tuesday. Now yesterday, Wednesday I worked again early in the morning, then I went back out to Columbus and saw J again for a few hours, we played some gamecube again, I went with him to get groceries, then me and him went out to eat. Came back and laid in his bed in our underwear again watching youtube and cuddling and kissing until it was about 11:30 then I went home again.

Idk what to make of J, I like him, he's the farthest Ive been on a first date thats for sure. I enjoy his company but do I? Or is it just because I haven't had any sort of attention like this in almost 6 months? Like I had said we share some similar interests. Video games, some music, a little bit of anime and legos. He's pretty sweet with me but also he's a little more aggressive than me, which I mean Im okay with kinda. challenge me a little, don't be afraid to playfully challenge and fight me. But don't be an ass about it. Idk theres the other kid on the other side of Columbus who I've been snap chatting as well but Ive been giving J most of my attention.

#me #relationship #gay #relationship advice #boyfriend #tinder #blog writing

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