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aliensunflower-fics · 3 years

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In Defense of Salt AND Sugar: Aka ML Fandom pls chill out.

So I don’t talk much as those who follow me will say I tend to just stick to myself and my own things. HOWEVER, Ive gotten a lot of asks about why I write both Salt and Sugar for Miraculous Ladybug.

The short answer: Both salt and sugar are valid, fun, intriguing things to read and write and the point of writing is to entertain and be entertained.

The long answer: Salt isn’t inherently someone hating on your fav show and sugar isn't someone necessarily giving it a free pass either. Ya’ll are just dramatic as hell.

The LONGER answer:

I write salt because I LIKE Miraculous Ladybug, BUT the show has not lived up to its potential AT ALL. The show could be so much better and the characters are so flawed or full of holes that occasionally I feel FRUSTRATED and mad!

I hate that Alya a character who I was so excited about, gets shafted ignored, sidelined, or written like a jerk! She could have been this great detective working alongside her friend to unmask the villain, but instead she often comes across as pushy, obsessed with Ladynoir or Adrinette, and so damn easily tricked. Not to mention how when shes not gushing over her ‘ships’ shes pushed to the side and ignored. [or you know... LILA]

I hate that Marinette’s crush makes her do things that are so cringy and awkward i feel ill I hate that she’s constantly the only one making mistakes and ‘learning lessons’ when the show has all these other great characters that could use the spotlight and be the ones learning lessons. I hate that she’s so jealous and that she cant ever seem to catch a break as if the show is punishing her constantly.

I HATE that Adrien is a mary sue, how the writers say hes perfect and treat him as such, I hate that he gets to guilt Marinette into fixing everything and dealing with bullies, I wanted a funny, Ron Stoppable, naive boy who learns about real friendships and grows into a great partner. Instead he gets to be pushy and downright a jerk as Chat Noir ignoring his responsibilities, guilting Ladybug with his feelings, never taking no as an answer. He’s not a good role model for kids.

I hate that Chloe got built up to have a redemption arc several times only for the writers to decide that Chloe a teenage girl who needs some serious therapy [and actual reasonable punishment for her actions] is worse than Gabriel child abuse Agreste. She could have been a great lesson on compassion and growth and dealing with your own pain without hurting others. Instead the writers wrote her off completely.

And dont get me started on how the show treats Nino, Kagami, Luka and the rest of the cast. They may as well be a backdrop for the forced love square that we NEVER get a break from. Seriously I’m a sucker for romance but does it need to be EVERY damn episode?! Can’t we just get some wholesome friendship between everyone including Adrien and Marinette at this point like COME ON.

And i’m not even touching on the white washing, awful lessons on responsibility and forgiveness, awful lessons on well so much other stuff really, the guilt trips, the teacher, the fact that she show could be used to teach kids how to better handle negative emotions and the importance of open communication and not keeping quiet about injustice and/or your feelings but instead decided that the main priority should be a love square that gets force fed to us EVERY SINGLE EPISODE.

My point is the show has FLAWS. That doesn’t mean its the worse show ever and it doesn’t mean its not fun, and has a great premise and characters, and so when I write Salt I write it because i’m frustrated! Im frustrated with the show, with the characters, with the writing and so I vent that out with salt I write those characters as their worst selves because I cant stand how the show has decided to treat them and Im ANGRY and disappointed.

It feels good to write salt and to read it. It’s nice to see characters get called out for bad behavior, its nice to read about Adrien not getting the girl. Its nice to occasionally indulge in salt because it validates that the show is flawed and lets you get out that frustration.

BUT ON THE FLIP SIDE

Miraculous Ladybug is a lovely show. It’s a show that decided to give little girls a FEMALE HERO. And not just as a side kick or background character! No they made her the protagonist! Its so important to me that little girls see good well rounded female characters in media.

And even if the show is clumsy about it they are TRYING to build an expansive lore that tickles the theorist brain. And gets people invested in the world.

The show also made Marinette shy, and awkward, and clumsy something a lot of girls deal with during puberty as growing up can literally make you clumsier as your body adjusts. Having a character who tries to be positive and tries to find solutions who solves things with creativity instead of pure violence. Thats LOVELY for young girls to see.

Growing up I loved and admired Kim Possible, and probably would have loved Marinette, even if the shows not perfect I can admit its trying and I can see why people love it as much as they do! And why they write these fluffy sugary fics its the reason I WRITE fluffy sugary things.

Because even though I am frustrated and angry and disappointed with the show, I still see Alya’s potential and how great she is as representation to little girls who want a black female superhero so I write fluff where Alya’s loyalty, compassion, cleverness and her pursuit of justice are center stage.

I see how Adrien could be better and I want him to be better and I WANT him to be the naive funny comic relief the Ron Stoppable to Marinette’s Kim Possible. I want Adrien to grow and learn and spit in his dad’s face I want him to overcome the abuse and be happy. To show people that neglect and abuse doesn’t mean you will get stuck like that forever, that you can overcome that and be a better kinder person.

I want Nino and Kagami, and Luka and Chloe and the class to grow and get attention and have funny moments I want to laugh and make other people laugh! So I write prompts focused around comedy and shenanigans and where the characters get to be fun and silly and make decisions for themselves!

SO IN CONCLUSION:

I write salt AND sugar. I see the value and merit in both sides of the coin, and I respect how other people see the show. I know its easy to get angry with other people in the fandom who see the show differently then you do but please can we put down the weapons and just BREATHE.

Someone who writes salt might LOVE the same show as you, and they might in fact love it so much that they vent their frustrations in angst and salt and cracky fics. Let them vent about how they wish the show was better, leave their tags alone or block them if you cant stand to see it. But dont attack salt writers for ‘hating on your show’ when they might love it just as much as you do but want a way to vent out their feelings.

On the flip someone who writes sugar might NOT be forgiving the show for its flaws, they might see all the same flaws as you but decide to take that frustration and write fluff and fix it fics and sugar because they want to indulge in a version of their favorite show where everything is just... OK. Where everyone is well written and happy and the character development sticks. Stay out of their tags let them have their sugar, they aren't writing it to hurt you just like you don't write salt to hurt them.

So ENOUGH. Enough hunting each other down, enough sending each other hate, enough filling each others tags. Let people write SALT if they feel angry and vengeful and disappointment, let them have their tags, let them explore the dark side of the characters, let them rant and rave and be HURT when the characters they love upset them with their actions. Its not your place to tell them to stop, to tell them their feelings are invalid, to tell them that ‘adrien is sweet sunshine boy how dare you’ or ‘alya would never’ or ‘i hate your marinette leaves dupont au’. Just leave it be, heed the tags, and let it go.

AND ENOUGH. Enough hunting each other down, enough sending each other hate, enough filling each other tags. Let people write SUGAR if they just want something to feel happy about. Let them makes coffee shop au’s, let them make fix it fics where everything is just happy without needing 8 pages of backstory for why everything is just happy. Let them squeal and gush and talk about the ship they like and the fluff they see. Its not your place to argue with them that the show is flawed, its not cool to ruin their fun by accusing them of not understanding the flaws, to tell them ��umm actual this character shouldn’t get to be happy’ or ‘wow this is so shallow’. Just leave it be, heed the tags, and let it go.

PS: Now with that said and done. I do have one final message for everyone - If you write/enjoy pedophilia, if you sexualize KIDS. Then get the fuck out of fandom spaces, stop fucking following me, and do everyone salt and sugar a favor by LEAVING. Your pedophilia and child sexualization aint wanted, aint ok, and I will fight you.

PSS: IF YOU HATE WHAT IVE SAID ABOUT SUGAR AND SALT FINE OK I RESPECT YOU REGARDLESS. ENJOY THE SHOW, STAY CLASSY, DONT HURT PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY HAVE A DIFFERENT OPINION.

#its just me #ml salt #ml sugar #adrien salt #adrien sugar #alya salt #alya sugar #chloe salt #chloe sugar #miraculous ladybug #marinette dupain cheng #adrien agreste #alya cesaire #class salt #class sugar

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azkabqn · 6 years

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I wasn't sure if I was going to post anything for mental health awareness month. But as afraid as I am with admitting my struggles, I feel like it's something that isn't shared enough. And if you dont want to read this than thats totally fine. I just ask that if you're going through your own battles, I strongly encourage you to seek out help. It's terrifying but necessary. Mental illness is a liar and it blindfolds you. Don't let hope become a memory. Your life is worth changing.

Im Lydia, im 22 and for the past 3 years I've suffered with severe depression and anxiety. And I guess this is a post to bring to light how exhausting mental health can be. But also how it's so worth it to fight for better.

It's scary how long you can live with it and never really notice. It creeps its way in so slowly that your mind begins to recognise the thought process as a state of normal. I'd sometimes come across a post about a strangers brave battle with mental illness and never once thought, hey that's me. I'd read and often relate but never saw it in myself. I'm still not sure why, but I think it was the part of me that was trying to deny it.

I pulled away from everything and everyone around me til all I did was stare at my ceiling fan making mental lists of everything I should be doing, but laying on my bed sounded the most comfortable. Depression and anxiety became comfortable. When I think about it now, that's so incredibly fucked up. My mind was more content staring at nothing than doing the things I loved, the education I paid for, sitting down and spending time with family and friends. Taking a shower. It was more comfortable to sit and stare for months than to participate in life.

It's terrifying how quickly willpower can be snuffed out. How suddenly rational thinking is drowned by the flood of panic and tears. Your mind races through thoughts quicker than your heart is pumping. And all you've done is sit and stare at a blank page for 5 minutes. A piece of paper and the intention to fill it is too daunting to consier. Everyone around you can do it so easily. But they dont get it, you have to write you have to think and when you struggle to come up with even 1 reason to get out of bed each day. Every little thing becomes a mountain. And when you have a birds eye view of that mountain range, pulling up the bed covers and rolling over feels safer.

It took me 3 years to recognise I needed help. I'd go through cycles with intense bursts of depression and anxiety, followed by a wave of numbness. In those times I felt nothing I thought i was getting better, feeling nothing is better than feeling everything at once. It took me going through a few very hard situations; each time tipping me to my limits, each scaring the hell out of my parents and the people around me getting caught in my emotional crossfire, before recognising I needed help. I mistook numbness for peace and that's why the cycles continued.

My mind had beaten into me for years that I was alone in this world, that no one truly cared. And to finally need someone to care, feels like seeing a small light being turned on in the distance and blindly running in the dark to a vague direction. You have no idea whats hiding between you and that light. You're suddenly aware of how exposed you are, and how dark it really is.

I read that pirates wore eyepatches so that when they would walk between above and below deck they wouldn't be blinded by the stark difference in environment. Seeing a therapist feels a little like you've been below deck in the slog of chaos, desperately trying to keep your ship a float by yourself. No longer wearing an eyepatch because there's never time to go upstairs. Then suddenly a calm voice and door opens and the light floods in and its terrifying because its new and different, but when you breathe that first breath of fresh air and once your eyes adjust, you see exactly how you've been living. And bullying yourself like that is no way to live.

I was in therapy for months, arming myself with techniques to rewire my brain function. Literally. My therapist had me drawing a sheild at one point. But my mental health journey isn't one to be ashamed of. It's not the first thing I talk about with people, but im slowly learning to accept that that road was a necessary one for my personal growth. I'm out of therapy now, but constantly still using techniques I've learnt to keep myself in this new positive head space I've fought for.

To be totally cliché, im going to end this with some lyrics from Last Hope by Paramore.. Because to be honest I'm not really sure how else to end this, but this song really did help me get through the wost of times.

"And the salt in my wounds isn't burning anymore than it used to. It's not that I don't feel the pain it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore.

It's just a spark, But it's enough to keep me going

(So if I let go of control now, I can be strong)

And when it's dark out, no one's around, It keeps glowing."

#tw #depression #anxiety #mental health #mental health awareness month #mhaw #im posting this for me #but if it helps even 1 person than im more than happy #personal stuff #it took me 10 minutes to hit post ffs

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moth208 · 6 years

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i cant imagine anyone genuinely enjoying spending time with me. even if its actually true or whatever, its so hard to believe. i think if i met myself, as someone else, id fight me, physically. because im ugly and fuckin annoying and i never know when to shut up. and see when people say “oh i do like spending time with you heres x things to cheer you up” etc etc it feels like i manipulated people into saying that and i mean i cant say thats how i feel, i cant say “dont try and help me” thats a douchebag move, and im very grateful for the people who have tried to help me, i just dont know what to do with myself at this point. i dont know how to fix any of this. ive gone to therapy, ive tried all kinds of things, and sometimes i think it has worked. sometimes i think oh yes ive gotten better!:) but these feelings are so vague, so general; i try to narrow it down and i think: what am i better about, how have i improved specifically? and theres not much i can think of...

my eating and sleeping habits arent any better, i guess ive learned to Cope Better (i.e. im not purposely triggering myself constantly to avoid...feeling), but thats it. im still avoiding talking to people about my problems face to face most of the time, i still never shut the fuck up about things that could potentionally make people uncomfortable, i have no fucking filter. i dont pass any better, i havent lost any weight, i havent gotten any healthier, im still fucking ugly. my art is still fucking ugly. i still have no (irl i geuss) friends. i still feel like all the people i really actually think of as friends hate me. i still act on these fears and feelings sometimes. i havent learned any self control.

i geuss ive stopped smoking and self harm for the most part but its only because i dont really shave anymore, its only because i dotn really have a way to do these things without getting caught, and i feel like any moment thats not going to stop me anymore. i feel like any second now i could just skip all that and go straight to drinking bleach, and i wont even let anyone know. im so afraid of all that

i keep thinking about my future and what if i DO live longer than expected, what would come out of it? what use am i if i cant do thinks for other people? i have no talent , i have nothing to offer. i cant justify the space i fill its not worth it why am i here if all im going to ever be is miserable. idk. i dont want to be alive anymore but theres fuckall i can do about it. ‘perks’ of being a goddamn pansy i geuss

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susventingdolphins · 3 years

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My sister no longer feels like a friend (No TL;DR, but if you want to get to the last breaking incident and skip the past context / events go to the bottom)

I (23) have these two friends I'll call them L (21) and X (23), L has been like a sister to me for 3 years. I still love her as one but so much has happened that I don't love her as a friend anymore. L and X I've helped with their mental health since I met them, L for 3 years I've been her on call pseudo friend-therapist trying to help her so she could eventually get professional help for herself. Its been non stop taking care of her and having friends around us favor her and abuse me and neglect me to force me to be the perfect "caretaker" for her by "toughening me up" L knew about this but shrugged it all off. L Rarely reciprocated with listening to me, when i did try to go to her she'd be judgemental and threaten me to force me into things I didn't want to do. So eventually I rarely went to her unless it was dumb friend sh*t and nothing big in my life. And even then it was only when I wanted to end my own life did I go to her. But she always blew me off and it was my husband who had to pull me back each time.

The major issues though? It started off last year First incident with L Blew off my past abuse out of no where, using her religion to push me into forgiving the man who sexually, physically and verbally abused me, gave my whole family ptsd, gave my mother physical scars, screwed up and ruined my one brothers knee, hurt me so badly that I live with constant physical pain as a result from too much force / physical trauma to my body. But L told me I had to forgive him that abuse is a cycle and only god can judge. When I told her to stop and told her she should know better as shes been through verbal abuse and emotional manipulation from both of her parents. She insisted I was being ridiculous by still hating him and having ptsd from him. Got angry and offended and told me again only god can judge and that im not allowed to or I'll go to hell. Second Incident with L She compared me to her abusive mother out of the blue when I was trying to help prevent L from ending her own life scared for her, all because she had insecurities and anxiety and outright admitted to me she let her imagination run wild and painted a completely different version of me in her own head, yet she still judged me for the actions of that imagined version things I never even did or said and she held them against me. Third incident with L She knows I have a fear of men bc of my PTSD, Men are terrifying even online for me, the older they are the worse it is. It causes me major panic attacks so I prefer to outnumber men with females and nonbinary friends when Im with new men so I don't feel overwhelmed. I like to take things slow with men. L however thought it was a good idea to throw me in a group chat with 5 men and just the two of us and to make it worse pressured and forced us into a voice call, acting depressed and hurt if I didn't join. She told me she was trying exposure therapy to help me get over it. I never asked her to do such a thing and I had a major panic attack. I got angry at her for this and she got defensive and angry and when I didn't let it go she then wanted to take her own life again. When I apologised to her for being mad and forced myself to let it go suddenly she was all rainbows and sunshine again. Fourth Incident with L I had a dangerous ex friend, who I couldn't leave bc they were threatening me and had found out my IP address. L knew this I spoke to her about this. I legally could do nothing bc it was JUST online they hadn't made a move yet so I couldn't get legal help. L forced me to leave that ex friend threatening to leave me as a friend if I didn't and assured me I'd be fine if I broke it off, told me I don't really trust her or love her if I didn't. Even though I told L of the risks and the fact I couldn't legally protect myself because even if the ex did do something cyber crimes are often brushed off in my town and laughed off unless she DOES leak the IP or my address (and often times thats still ignored until someone physically tries to harm me or stalk me). It doesn't stop her from leaking everything else about me. The ex friend then leaked all my emails, my social medias, my face, to people online, including to hate groups of asexuals, knowing I was ace, one of the biggest things I wanted to avoid. the IP didn't get leaked but the ex friend did threaten to leak it if I went against her again, I then had a lot of threats flooding my email address after. Now as for long standing issues over the past 3 years 1. She would always bring up how much she hated her skinny body when I felt insecure of being fat 2. She would always get mad at me for wanting to lose weight because she felt I was hating on myself by wanting to lose even one pound, told me god made me this way and I was being disrespectful if I change it, even when it was for medical reasons. 3. She insinuated a lot that I wasn't good enough for my husband that because I have depression he deserved better 4. She threatened me all the time to tell my brother who has depression, that I was suicidal and pile all of my own problems on him knowing it'd

hurt him if I ever ended my friendship with her, she'd do this whenever I got mad at her for anything. 5. She never accepted that she hurt me a lot, instead she'd either suddenly want to die every single time until I let it go or she'd try to gaslight me into making it all my fault she hurt me. I never could communicate with her. 6. she constantly criticised me for not having as easy of a time learning as other people and for being unable to grasp anything in math (except the basics) and science. She also constantly corrected and mocked and made fun of me for my punctuation and grammar and discouraged me from following my dreams to become an author. 7. Constantly got jealous about all my new friends and trash talked them 8. Flirted with my IRL big brother trying to lead him on and use him to cheat, when she was in relationships with other men and knew my brother was off limits. 9. Trash talked my mother no matter how many times I got angry at her for it. 10. Forced me to voice chat and do so often without breaks, even when I didn't want to though she knew I had major anxiety involving using my actual voice to speak (its linked to my social anxiety, its weird and I don't get it myself. But speaking physically genuinely mentally pains me to do) 11. Sent me monetary gifts even when I told her not to, and always joked about me owing her, and went on about how much money they cost her and how much of her money she had left. 12. All the gifts she did send me was things she liked that she knew I disliked and she got angry if I didn't fall in love with these things. 13. Would disrespect my s*x repulsion (part of my own asexuality. Its my side of the spectrum) and force me into uncomfortable topics talking all about her having s*x with her boyfriends. For those wondering why X is also a problem: through all these each time I asked him what to do when talking to L didn't work, X excused her behaviour and blamed and pinned everything on me for "not trying hard enough to be a good friend, not being understanding enough, not being patient enough. You know how L is, its just her nature! You should be putting more legwork in to make up for it, you know she loves you. would she put up with you if she didn't? She only wants what is best for you, give her a break. Shes doing this all for you. You have to take care of her! you owe her, she deserves it." ‼️LAST INCIDENT FOR THOSE WHO DON'T WANT TO READ ALL OF THIS‼️ then the most recent incident with her some context first: I take mental health breaks, I am bluntly honest about what im going through if asked if I trust someone. If you're not part of the problem I always let you know why im leaving even if I don't go into detail. This is something I've said and made clear numerous times over the years and even warn people about the day we become friends so they have time to back out if they can't handle a friendship that isn't constant messaging. L and X for the past 6 months have ghosted me and been cold towards me, responding maybe 1 / 20 times and always short and curt unless they needed help for something. The whole time I waited for them, I helped them even when I was having bad day after bad day, my own mental health was dipping which i informed them of incase I seemed cold after awhile and couldn't keep up being bubbly. But I kept trying to make their day sending cute little supportive messages constantly and checking up on them bi-daily when I knew it was particularly a hard week for them. I waited and waited thinking "They will talk to me when they need me or when they feel ready. It'll be okay, Whatever it is we can tackle it together" and this is also something I expressed to them, that I noticed something is wrong but I'm here if they need me whenever they are ready. That the option is always open and I loved them. Then they got colder and colder, they started making snide jabs at me all the time which I brushed off as them having a bad day every single time. They made jabs about every part of my personality being annoying, my appearance being annoying and treated my

looks with disgust, they hated every single thing I got into and liked and got angry if I didn't like every single thing they did, they found any reason to criticise me those 6 months every single day. And on my 3 year friendship anniversary with them they treated me even colder and picked a bunch of small fights with me throughout the whole day from what games i was playing, to my choice of clothes, to what I ate to how much and how little I spoke, everything was wrong wrong wrong. Then fast forward to 2 weeks ago. 2 weeks ago L started a huge fight with me L told me my depressive break downs were pity parties minimized and scoffed and laughed at them. She told me My husband only puts up with me and I don't deserve him and im abusive and toxic for having depression that because I don't get better it hurts everyone else that I can't be happy all the time and im toxic because I "choose to have depression" She told me Im abusive for taking mental health breaks that by taking them and walking away from all social media for a few days at a time, im "practically telling us we're not good enough and we're unloveable." and that I am toxic for taking breaks. Her words. Im toxic for being friends with people I've fought with in the past and "stupid, naive, retarded, foolish, cowardly" that I love the pain and bathe in it and thats why I never get better. That im a "sh*tty friend for being depressed" told me to just willpower away my depression and anxiety. She told me I deserved to be depressed and have anxiety, told me I brought it on myself, told me my past didn't matter that my PTSD is my own fault, told me I never had to be perfect (I did in the past as a kid have to be to avoid being given to an abusive criminal bc he had this town wrapped around his finger into believing he was innocent as can be, this is something that lasted with me from I assume PTSD, I strive to be perfect to fix all my flaws I possibly am able to, and hide most of my negative emotions. This has never ever effected how I treated others, only how I treat myself. It also is something I've tried for years to snap out of but never been able to manage to.) and that im no ones saviour (never said, acted or claimed I was) and to stop helping other people, told me im nothing and no one and no one cares about me. Told me I don't matter and no one would care if I did die that im insignificant. She told me she was hurt I don't talk to them how I feel about them and keep it to myself instead when she knows they are hurting me. She then compared herself to my ex friend who abused me for 6 years straight and numerous times had tried to drive me to suicide. She then told me It was my fault she has insecurities. When I told X all that happened X blamed me for it telling me I deserved it and everyone else was too cowardly and everyone was thinking it and wanted to do it to me. He then told me he loved me and wanted me to talk to him how I felt about him, so I was honest decided "Okay I must be in the wrong if they both are upset" I apologised to them both for everything they accused me of because I genuinely felt bad. L and I kept talking because I was trying to fix things, L told me that I X and Her "Know we aren't your only friends but it'd be nice if we were, I'd like that it'd make me so much happier" She told me that she feels like she has to change to a warmer person and im a bad person for her feeling that way because she feels like she has to match up to my energy because I get depressed when they ignore and ghost me for weeks on end that its just "how we are, its our nature. We're cold people" Then turned around in the fight to tell me I have to change and become colder, that they hate who I am as a person, they hate that im affectionate and get attached to people. L told me X and her have been talking behind my back, sent me logs of it of the two of them insulting and mocking me and told me they did it out of love and frustration and in those logs X had told L many of my secrets I trusted X with, he didn't keep a single one. I went back to

X deciding to be honest since they want honesty, and told him about what L showed me and that I didn't trust the two of them anymore after this and the things said were harsh and hurted a lot and a lot of it did feel inaccurate while some things were on the nose, and he told me he didn't want to be my brother anymore, told me I was a bad friend and I again deserved what panda did, then he ghosted me. After this all happened, I snapped and something clicked and changed inside and I felt cold towards them. Affectionate to those who actually showed me love, and happier again because I trusted L the most and she broke my heart. It felt like I hit an epiphany. I became a new person, I changed my name online, I cut off toxic friends, I patched things up with old friends, I communicated more about my feelings so there'd be no misunderstandings anymore with good friends because of my own anxiety and insecurities with them. I was happier I had really good friends by my side who love me. I was a new me, I found myself again and it felt like there was light again in a tunnel that has been long and dark since I was 12. Fast forward to 3 days ago and she messaged me again after us not talking since that incident. She apologised and I felt relieved, but thats not the end. Her apology took a very unexpected turn. She told me she was only sorry she never said anything earlier, but she did not regret a single thing she said or did to me over the years since we met and especially not what she said and did that day. She told me again I was a horrible human being for being depressed and toxic for hating my own appearance and trying to lose weight. She then said "I know better, I knew better and let my own insecurities get to me. But its YOUR fault. You never told me otherwise. I didn't go to you either but you never told me what I needed to hear, you're supposed to be good at reading people, its your fault not mine" Told me that she is hurt by me for me taking mental health breaks, said I was doing it to be malicious to her and X, that there was no way I wasn't, even though she "knows better her insecurities say its that way so it has to be and its my fault for making her feel insecure." She then told me she wants to stop being friends but also wants to hold onto me. Told me I'd have to do a lot of work, when I spoke to her about all she ever did that hurt me, how I felt she turned around and made it all about herself. She then told me it'd be me that would have to change who I am as a person. "Become colder, Stop caring about others, Be warmer to us, don't leave us behind, stop taking mental health breaks" Then she told me "Its my fault you changed, I did well but I don't like how you changed. I pushed you onto that new path leaving myself stuck behind. I dislike this new you, I didn't expect for that to change your whole life and who you were. I don't like it, maybe we can change it back and be friends again" She then told me "the misunderstanding caused me to distrust you, you'll have to repair that if you want us to be friends still. I'll TRY but you have to fix everything or this wont work out" If we do stay friends shes going to be a casual video games only kind of friend only bc I still do love her. But honestly if we stop being friends Im fine with that too. Either way shes lost all right to be a big part of my life again and shes lost trust she'll never get back from me.

#Toxic friends #Toxic friendship #Trigger Warning #tw suicide #tw depression #sorry for the rant #rant #3 year anniversary

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realdeadlovin · 3 years

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Well, that didn’t go as expected.

There’s a lot I could say about Sophie and Camille and therapy and such but.

Most recently, Brian told me about his flirtation with tinder person. It feels bad and I wish it didn’t. Monogamy/ non monogamy is so weird and like, so... hypocritical, like I wouldn’t think twice about flirting with someone here if it felt good but somehow envisioning Brian doing it is like “how could you’??? when you tell me you love me??” and I mean I don’t actually feel that way or like doubt that he loves me but can’t help feeling a bit like betrayed and/or like... misled, but I also misled myself. He told me felt weird about stuff with the tinder person but he also sort of portrayed it as like not tha tmuch of a thing, or like he wasn’t that into them but just felt weird since he met them on tinder when it def sounds like he has fed into the flirtation // felt it more than he conveyed. but I also get that and I don’t feel like mad mad. I think brian maybe has a bit of a leading--on problem. but also like who doesn’t like flirting and cuddling with new people? yeah anyways. I wish it didn’t feel as bad as it does, and like I can sense in myself the feeling of like, “well maybe lets just call off the whole thing” which is totally irrational and also coexisting with feelings like wanting to tell him he’s too dramatic for saying that maybe he “fucked this up” and I want to tell him he’s being too dramatic, like this isn’t going to end just over him flirting with someone, while at the same time part of me is like “weeeelllll it’s been a good run, time to accept it’ll never work....”

but I mean, I definitely don’t actually think I’m going to end things over this at all, but it’s sort of that feeling of like, when my alarm goes off and I’m like “ you know what, I’ll just sleep in and neve show up to work and like not tell anyone, I’ll just quit my job and block eveones numbers, I’m just gonna walk away frmo this job and neve tell anyone because it’ll feel THAT good to just go back to sleep.” like you know you aren’t gonna do it. I know I’m not ending things over this. but what it DOES bring up is... just the general weirdness of thsi situation where we are professing our love to each other so often and feeling so like ~in love~ but, we aren’t together~ and we can’t be/ shouldn’t be. not can’t in a dramatic way but like neither of us want that and I know it wouldn’t work. ULTIMATELY and like generally I have felt okay with like “yeah, things will end eventually, (either when one of us starts dating someone else, or when idk one of us wants to actually make it official/ serious and move to the same place and the other one says that won’t work and it ends, or when it just gets too painful or one of us stops having feelings or...) and when that happens it’ll suck, but I can accept that and right now it feels good and life is SHORT and I feel good just letting us have as much time being sweet and loving each other as we can get out of htis, why end it prematurely? “ yeah... that’s how I’ve been feeling. but I realize that this sort of situation does make it like, harder to withstand the hardness because what are we fighting to preserve? all this is is ~feeling good~, it’s not commitment, so why stick with it when it feels bad? and this sort of *feeling bad*, when its just like about some text flirting, isn’t going to end it, but just realizing like... as much as I really want to work on feeling more comfortable with non monogamy... will any sort of like emotional difficulty feel worth it with brian, or are the conditions such that it will just feel like “well fuck it we had a good run, but this isn’t fun anymore so bye” ? and does that feel unhealthy? I don’t know. I guess the question it, how much effort/ fight am I willing to put in to maintain whateve it is we have now? what if i enter into an actual relationship, one that wasn’t monogamous, would brian be something I would want to preserve? err I mean that feels sooo theoretical and hard to imagine but thats just yeah what I’ve been thinking about. is how this sort of happy go lucky “who cares where things are headed /// I know things will end eventually // but it feels good for now” just really begs the questions of how to react when things don’t feel purely good, and like.... blah, I want to be in a relatinoship where I’m signed up to do that work, to push through the difficult, and not that brian and I never deal with hard things, we obviously do, but yeah.

ummm OK. but yeah . other observations. I deeefinitely reach for the sunstances when bad feelings happen. It doesn’t even feel necessarily like “oh these are feelings I can’t handle, it’s more just like... teh substances are there in my life anyways, so might as well use them when I’m feeling especially off. or whatever. like tonight didnt feel like, oh this would *trigger* me if I were sober but lik e”agh emotional stress wheres the beer” ya know.

and I just like, yeah, the codependence, I mean maybe thats not the right word, but the like... I told him I didn’t want to talk but now im like why hasn’t he texted meeee and checking my phone constantly. it feels like both bc I’m emotionally wrapped up but also more just like, precedent, I expect a text back quickly and yeah.

ok I am rereading our texts and like they def have been misleading... k i just texted them>

Blah i mean idk I do feel a lil misled or like even just rereading texts now its like idk. You convey it as like. Idk like it's only weird bc u met on tinder not bc there's active talk about cuddling. Er idk like are u leading them on or just concealing your feelings to me like it's hard to tell the diff ? Blah but ultimately I don't want it to be a big deal but it's also hard to deal with jealousy feelings when the communication is also unclear and confusing which I also remember being a thing in the before times, it's hard both like having jealous which I don't like feeling but also having to do the work if like figuring out what's actually going on, you're like having guilt but not really actually telling me what's going on. But yea then it's also confusing cuz it's like we're not even together or whatever .... Etc

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bleachable · 6 years

Text

alone to listen

idk, time after time I find myself alone. Either it is without a boyfriend or without a friend. I constantly feel alone in this world where no one gets me or cares enough to try. Why must I try to understand people around me, study the things that make them happy excited or even sad. But it seems like no one cares enough to notice me. Why is it that my friends find it easy to talk about themselves yet it doesn't come naturally to me. I am constantly fighting for appreciation or for someone to listen... and when I finally muster the courage to speak my mind I am standing alone with my company... alone to listen.

I feel locked in a glass box, observing life around me. But no one seems to notice, they avoid the contact and the sight of me. Maybe they truly cant see me... or maybe I have to make myself heard. But when I try i’m left alone listening to the echoes from within. My friends are the only ones I have in this world besides my family, yet I feel like they can never see me. Im here though; trying to get their attention. Trying to feed their happiness and their need for acceptance and love from the world. However, I feel lost and starved by the lack of love I receive from them. I wouldn’t be fare if I did not admit that I push people away naturally. I am not entirely sure why I do this, because I never see it coming. Some days I wake up and find myself alone. This is not the way I want to live. I want to have joy and hope and feel loved by others. I just don’t want it to always feel like a one sided game. I guess thats what a spouse is for. To be the person to be there when everyone else isn’t. But right now i don’t have this and all I need is someone to tell me how smart I am, that i’m important, i’m beautiful, i’m kind, i’m worth something, i’m cared for... It sounds like a lot to ask when I write it out.

...to make goals that are unreachable, a little closer

But nights like tonight I just wait around hoping that someone will check in on me, to make sure i’m still breathing. That i’m not curled up in a ball gasping for air as my sinuses close up from the pure exhaustion trying to keep from the tears rolling down my face. Don’t get me wrong i’m not as pathetic as I sound. I’m just tired of always being somewhere for someone but when I need only an ounce of comfort in this lonely world I am back in that glass box looking out, unnoticed by the world. Its a daunting idea to have in your head all your life, and its even scarier to be 21 and still having the weight of isolation follow you around like a terminal diagnosis. I just want to be free from this burden, yet I don’t want to put it on anyone let alone my friends... but thats my most fatal flaw I suppose. Not being able to lean on others. They say friends are people that are able to bare your burden and not brake... yet here I am baring it and trying not to crumple underneath. I don’t know how to ask for help, how to seek therapy, how to ask for someone to see my pain and help me through it.

In high school, writing about my sad days made long hours seem like seconds. It may not seem like much, but for me, this gave me time to reflect and ultimately helped me feel. If no one else was their to listen at least I was able to be their to listen to my thoughts. So here is to the start for 2018, may I feel less lost and alone, but free to love myself as mush as I give love to others

#2018 #my diary #diary #emotions

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thekintsukuroikid · 6 years

Photo

November 12th 2017 4:11am

Tofino is never worrying about running out of battery life, or the gas tank. Or atm service charges.

It’s is an odd place. Living on the mainland you get hit with the same cold and rain and you learn pretty early on how to shelter yourself in the rat race, to keep busy until the clouds roll through. Tofino is this weird anomalous places where people travel here for the express reason of running headlong into the rainy cold. Duh, the waves are better for surfing and storm watching. It’s weird being this close to the ocean. You’re surrounded by it here, you can hear it from the dead middle of town. It’s dark, cold and can swallow you up, and yet here we are grabbing neon coloured boards and wearing goofy rubber suits and paddling away from shore. Standing up, riding it. There’s a metaphor there somewhere I think. A really lame one. Suffice to say Tofino is the setting where I’ve always been most comfortable with entertaining feelings of optimism, they linger in my mind a little bit longer here, there aren’t a lot of things here that can take them away. And yet standing here alone on this beach I still wonder what it would be like to walk into the water and let the water I love so much fill up my lungs. To finally feel the tension unclench and release.

A girl bought me a drink and told me how happy she was that everything about this place wasn’t like home.

I agreed.

this trip was really about running away.

The band getting to create beautiful music for people to enjoy on a Saturday night, Thats pretty amazing right?

I remember how hard learning 3 chords was and thinking how weird it must be to be able to do so much more but the peak of your musical ambition is playing for my drunk ass.

—

I met a girl at the merch table. She was kind and she was pretty and in our conversation about the logistics of fitting a surfboard on a motorcycle I noticed her biting her lip…and looking at mine…and exhibiting every universal sign I could think of to express a “shut the fuck up and let’s make out already” sentiment–

“All I could do was wonder how much she’d have to know about me, to hate me as much as I do.”

This isn’t me. I’m so tired of this

I’ve been diagnosed with clinical major depression.

atleast I think thats what its called, I kinda zoned out when I hear it.

I’ve known that somethings been wrong forever but I’ve never had it named by someone else before. I’ve never been in a position where I could go out and really do that. I’ve been getting help for months but this weekend was the first time I’ve been able to process it all. 2 doctor’s a therapist and a councillor. 4 different opinions. The same mdi-10 depression index score. How it works is, 20 is dysthemia or mild depression and 25+ is no bueno moderate depression. 30+ is major depression. I figured I’d be around 18-19 with my shiny psych degree and my practicing of mindfullness and understanding of CBT and readings of Dr. Marsha Linehan and Brené Brown.–-

I got a fucking 38.

Of all the fucking tests to ace I sure know how to pick em lol.

Talk therapy’s helped narrowed it down, where In reality I’ve likely been dealing with this for over a decade. I could have and likely should have gotten help when I was in early highschool/late middle school. The fact that I’ve never been on medication pretty deeply concerns my therapist. I still don’t know if I want the pills, I stare at the prescription sometimes and wonder what the sweet fuck I’m going to do. It’s hard to plan things in a pros and con’s type of scenario with brain altering chemicals, like its not like theres a frame of reference or anything. I’ve always been getting by with habits and discipline. Reading ahead, doing homework early in case I sleep through my classes again. Never letting anyone get close enough to be in a position to judge you. Never be vulnerable. You’re not cool enough to have baggage.

It’s not like I’m like this all of the time. I have good days, mostly when I’m around other people, even strangers. It’s when I’m by myself for too long that it starts to creep into my mind, a little voice getting progressively louder and more persuasive. I Have fun by remembering what it’s supposed to feel like and selling it to everyone who can see me. This isn’t the stereotypical 3am negative thoughts, I mean those happen too but its more like 3pm, in the middle of my group of friends laughing, just getting hit with this whole body feeling of dread and trying to crack a joke anyway. I then follow this with sullen, silent car rides home or 45 minutes sitting on the shower floor wondering if I’ll always feel this numb?

That’s the worst part…the numbness of it all. Losing hours in the day to this thing that I can’t even really describe. I never get mad or sad or happy just attenuated, dulled versions of these emotions. I’m scared of heights, like really fucking scared of heights but I learned to rock climb because fear hits me in such a meaningless way now. This is such a weirdly strong biological component. I feel like I can never move forward to create myself because I’m always looking back, trying to get back to how I used to feel. That’s the one thing I know is missing, that sense of self that guides my decision making. I’ve never been able to go with my gut, the kind of spontaneity and passion and creativity that comes with that, Instead Its always minimize the damage, lower the risk. I feel inadequate in every measurable and measurable way, to the point of it being physically crippling.

I’ve been really fucking good at hiding this. Its the thing I’m honestly the most proud of, which is a bit counterintuitive. It’s allowed me to flip something that feels so intrinsically selfish and allowed me to keep focus on the people that are important to me. It’s allowed me to learn some really important lessons about friendships and relationships, coping and empathy, all without the vulnerability of facing those things head on. Depression to me, at least the way that i’m doing it (which I know is the wrong way to think about it) is this selfishness I don’t want to indulge.

There is massive guilt with this. I have so much. I have taken so much time, love, energy, money from the people in my life and I feel like I am and I have so little to show for it. That I am a highlight in every worst way, of the differences between what is good and what is just nice. but the thing is I’m starting to realize that this thing, this depression thing it couldn’t give less of a shit about how you rationalize it, its taken better people than me, I’ve seen it first hand.

For me this thing hits two-fold. Its the physicality of these symptoms I can no longer ignore or fight through. Messed up eating schedules, sleeping too much or too little, missing classes, being late to events or appointments and just constantly feeling zoned out, in a daze.

On the mental side of it, its been management. I’ve been in a dark place for a long time and my diminishing ability for me to manage these mental health symptoms means that I feel increasingly less equipped to take on this complete feeling of stagnation. This shit takes work. It’s like im trying to carry a weight with broken arms and no cast. It’s a feeling that even if I had an opportunity, job or otherwise, I lack the tools and the self belief to actually be and do what I want. It is such a weird sensation to feel the slide from wondering how to make it by 30…to wondering about making it to 30.

I Try to work hard to be grateful and find the joy in things. I spend my days trying to bridge the gap between the humility of recognizing this reality, with the ego of thinking I deserve better. I mean maybe this is as good as it gets? Maybe some people just spiral. I hope that isn’t me, I don’t want to see how far this rabbit hole goes, I don’t want to become what its trying to make me become, I think thats why I work so hard to keep being extraverted. I try to be around my friends, especially if I know that they have it a lot worse or are facing a difficulty. Being empathetic to what they’re dealing with makes you feel like a bit of a daft jerk for dwelling your own bullshit. That used to keep things quiet long enough. Then again you don’t win a fight by closing your eyes.

—

I went to the bar in Tofino where I bought my first legal drink and I thought about all the drinks I’ve had since then. I got hit with this really intense feeling of dread. Not that I had wasted all that time in those 5 years, Worse still, That I’ve never truly had the ability to truly appreciate all the amazing things that have happened since then.

Even if I couldn’t feel it I wanted to do the logical work towards getting out of this. I learned really early on to focus not on building a resume but on building a eulogy. To live a life well lived. To do things not for the spoils but for the man I’d become in the pursuit.

In the 5 year since I’ve been back to Tofino, I’ve hated that man. I still hate him. I am so much of what I told myself I’d never be: alone, weak, and of little consequence. I’ve tried everything to fix that man and I still can’t explain where that process went wrong. I’ve tried to surround myself with people who I love. But never letting them get close enough love me because of a combination of never feeling like I deserved it and never wanting to be burned or betrayed for being vulnerable.

I don’t know if I can really get better I don’t really know what better is. But trying has to be better than this. Thats the funniest bit about this, I don’t even think I can really imagine what better would be like, what the absence of all this would feel like.

I just know that there is more than this…that maybe I can be more than this.

I was always ashamed to take. So I gave. It was not a virtue. It was a disguise.— Anaïs Nin, The Diary Of Anais Nin,

I want to make all of this mean something. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything. I just know that I could set myself on fire to keep others warm. If I couldn’t feel wanted, or that I deserved to be wanted I could at least make people comfortable. I never knew there was a difference between happiness and the distraction from sadness. I would just connect to benevolence. I’d try volunteering, donating time and money partly because I enjoy those things, but deep down in a small way it was also an attempt to try reconciling the diminishing potential I felt. If I kept doing the right things, things would turn around, that I could out work this thing I was fighting. It was all just heading to nowhere, I realized I could get hit by a car tomorrow and nobody would know this truth about me, the uphill clawing. I think now I want to turn this pain into something tangible for myself and others.If this is rock bottom I want to look around, I want to carve my name in the rock beneath my feet and remember what this feels like. I never want to know it first hand again. Maybe this is that first step. Who the hell can see forever but maybe I can just win tomorrow.

— This is the most I’ve ever written about myself and it’s a hell of a lot more than I’ve ever wanted to. Hell it’s the most I’ve ever thought of myself and part of me feels like this sounds really self obsessed. But I think, at least I hope, it’s just a self awareness that comes from no longer seeing the contrasts in life.

If you are reading this it means that 1) you’ve found this randomly, and in which case… “sup?” or 2) you are one of the maybe 4 people I genuinely trust to tell this too without fear of being treated differently after doing it. If it is option 2…Surprise? I’ve worked extremely hard to make sure you couldn’t have seen this coming. It also means that you’ve shown me love implicitly in such a way that removes so much doubt, I hope you know how powerful and beautiful that is.

I don’t know man I think this is all really just about wanting to feel that oneness with myself again, to finally find peace one day. I don’t have to live, I get to, and I want too. The world is abhorrently beautiful man. daunting, ridiculous, backbreaking and gorgeous. I want to feel all of it, I want to find my place in it and I can’t do it alone. Not anymore.

Happy Birthday to me. ayeee.

#depression.#happy birthday #35mm #nikon #photography #photoessay #technicially #ironandwinereferences #lost in my mind

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catshelter · 5 years

Text

i know im valid. i know how my problems can be solved. sadly my mind doesnt care for long term stuff. my anxiety does, its angry. but my body and adhd doesnt budge. it jerks the anxiety off, nutting all over my brain. suddenly i dont believe i have friends. i do. i have friends. theyre great. but im boring around them when im like this. i need new chances cause i keep fucking up, being a moodkill.

im adult and its not as acceptable to be mentally ill anymore. mentally ill people around me manage to do shit now. they actually force themselves to so necessary things because thats what you have to do. get a job, cleaning, bills, school. all that stuff. AND socializing on top of it.

i know comparing myself is the worst i can do. it really is. but how can i not when i meet other people and instantly realise how dysfunctional i am? fuck. i cant talk because my mind is just a foggy ass silent hill town. my few thoughts are either rly dumb and childish or super negative!

sadly im struggling so fucking much with my adhd. im like this. i wont recover. i can recover from the illnesses i get from adhd. but they come back. i constantly have to fight them. but i dont have anything to cling onto now. i need a goal.

without a goal and hope, why should i even bother doing anything?

because life. because im worth something.

its up to me.

but how can i be me when me is clueless about everything

i cant socialize, i cant meet new people, i cant do SHIT because my mind is so weak right now. i miss having stuff to look forward to. i do now, i have. but its not right in front of my face. theres no direct award waiting for me.

i dont know what reward i want. money? friends? happiness at some point??

i know this feeling is temporary but its here now. i dont have any direction.

i just need to like exist until england roadtrip and school starts so i have something to do everyday.

went to the doctor and i messed up because i forgot shit i needed to say. so i need to call them again. but i dont want to call. god. i just want my mum to do everything for me. i want to be 14. im terrified of responsibility.

please i fucking beg some hyperfixation or just SOMETHING comes along. i dont know where to look and its just so stupidly hard when im like this to even bother trying looking for it. when i know so well, waiting around for something never works. i need to try. put myself out there.

it gets better ok? dont read this and feel scared. this is me. tomorrow i might jump around and laugh of happiness. but now, i have no direction. i need therapy. but i need to call. i need to force myself to call. my hands dont budge. i need to get therapy. i need to take responsibility for myself. nobodys gonna take care of me but myself. but i dont budge. i dont budge. i rant on tumblr.

#emo rannnnt #sorry for the negativity i wish i wasnt like this rn

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xhightolerancex-blog · 6 years

Text

yay

rather than generalising mental illness as important, and needs to be talked about, I go into detail about the specifics of what I’m feeling. And it’s not pretty. If you can’t relate, and I hope you don’t, I’m going to seem very very strange. But mental illness isn’t simple, it’s not all let’s blow on thumbs together to stop these darn panic attacks, or this cute cartoon girl crying in a corner. It’s so much bigger and uglier and more complex.

I didn’t know how to talk or write about anything when my head has been consumed and overtaken by what I’m about to talk about. But I think I’ve figured it out.

i mentioned that i haven’t really felt like i’m here since i was 11 and then within the last week that sort of upped as a problem by like, 80%

i went to Coles for some frankfurts, felt crazy the whole weekend, then came back and got very panicky about the fact that I was going mad

I had slept fine, and I kept expecting to wake up better, but I just didn’t

I’ll explain what this all actually is and how it feels in a bit, plz hold

so I got back, and knew that I felt messed up

i was teetering on the edge of tears and also feeling really weird

she was going to notice that I was drunk, except i wasn’t drunk

and then my mum called

are you okay

and I just sort of

broke

LETS ACTUALLY EXPLAIN HOW IM FEELING FOR REAL

okay im so tired im just so tired, I feel like I’ve ben awake for four days and I don’t feel like im here I feel like im drunk, like I’ve had 3 wines and shots and beer and im tired and im ready to go home and I can’t talk to anyone because I’ve forgotten how I usually talk, I don’t even look like me everything is so wrong and weird and scary I honestly think im going mad, I can’t stop crying I have such a bad headache and I’ve just constantly felt drunk and blind. You know when your hammered and everything really bright and you can’t remember how to talk properly and your not really taking anything in because you feel weird and you can touch things and see things and talk to people but your not really there, I genuinely genuinely think I’ve gone mad and I don’t know whether im going to see things like normal again. Here’s the thing, im alive I can breathe and talk and sleep and see and feel so I should be okay and objectively I am fine so why am I not its one of those things that I keep thinking about over and over to the point where my head is like “iS tHiS rEaLlY hApPeNiNg?” And then im like “iS wHaT rEaLlY hApPeNiNg?”. I used to not understand mental illnesses at all I was like just think of ofa, cats and rainbows but now I get thats its so much deeper in your brain than ofa, cats and rainbows. I used to say if I ever got dementia or something I’d fight it but how can you fight it when the it is the thing your fighting with. lol I’ve gone full blown mad. I know what you’re thinking if you have no idea what I’m talking about, if you’ve never had anything even close to this, if you are mentally dandy you’re thinking

Ella you sound mental just shut up, turn it off you’re fine you’re obsessing over nothing, you’re attention seeking, just stop thinking about it firstly, I am so happy and thankful that you feel normal and happy and go and enjoy your life because you can and secondly, I would do anything to turn this off and feel normal again, literally anything. But I can’t. not right now. I don’t know how. so. here’s my plan. I’m going to act fucking normal. I can still move. I am still alive, on this planet, even though I don’t feel like it. I still find things funny, I still can taste food, I can make jokes, and write songs and hang out with friends, even though I literally feel like I’m hiding something from everyone and I keep looking at everyone as if I’m a robot. but I’m going to sort this out, somehow. I’m going to sleep before midnight and wake up before 9, I’m going to give myself weekends, I’m going to do mindfullness meditation at 11am, and Im going to go running at least twice a week and eat healthy and drink water and not drink too many soft drinks and treat myself when I’ve done well and not overwhelm myself. And I’m going to go to a doctor, and then therapy, and deal with this. But this will not consume me. Yeah I feel fucking weird. Bring it. I’m so done with the constant buzz in my head - why do I feel like this why do i feel like this why do i feel like this I just do. And I can’t change it right now. It’s not going to turn off. and I can’t just stop the world until I feel normal again, because I’ll get to my 70s and be like well shit, I missed it all. So I’m going to do the best I can. I’m going to watch the videos that make me happy. And I’m going to laugh about the fact that I’m a bit mental.

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