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malnatihq · 4 years

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🌈 — MASTERLIST OF HELPFUL RESOURCES !!

as stated before, we hope to educate employees && guests about the availability of lgbtq+ organizations && services who are there to help in times of need. as we have members of the community here at the malnati, we are grateful to have this community && these wonderful resources that are available. happy pride, beautiful people !!

as two women who are members of the lgbtq+ community, we wanted to personally give you guys a list of resources that we thought would be beneficial for you if you’re ever in need && give allies a chance to get educated on these resources && how to become a better ally to the community. pride month is a special month && our hearts are very happy we have this time to celebrate. in real life, we understand that many festivals, events, and parades are cancelled this year so we hope that our fun group celebration will help serve as a virtual pride fest for you && your characters. we want you to know that you are all special && loved && wonderful people. we know a lot of you guys call the malnati a safe space for you, but we also want you all to know that you also make us feel safe to be who we are. you make us feel loved && cared for. we know that sometimes our online friends are the only people who know about our sexuality and/or our true gender identity. we know how important our group && ooc chat can be to people && we appreciate that you guys feel comfortable enough to share your lives with us !! thank you to those reaching out to a friend to make sure they’re okay when they post something in the serious channel, as well. with each day that you all have been part of our lives, we have only felt better about knowing you guys && the unique friendship we share. we are grateful for this community we’ve got, especially all of you in the lgbtq+ community with us. you all are so powerful && full of love. again, we wanted to shine a light on some amazing resources for you all if you’re ever in need && great organizations that do so much for the community.

hotlines && websites listed here are resources && help to prevent crises && offer help to those in need. most of these are based in the united states. if you know of any other organizations / resources, please let us know && we’ll add it here. we also highly recommend searching for resources && organizations that are local to you !! you never know what’s available to you until you look !!

blackline -- BlackLine is a 24-hour hotline geared towards the Black, Black LGBTQ+, Brown, Native and Muslim community. However, no one will be turned away from the Hotline. The purpose of the BlackLine is to provide people with an anonymous and confidential avenue to report negative, physical, and inappropriate contact with police and vigilantes. Another component of the BlackLine is to provide immediate crisis counseling to those who are upset, need to talk with someone immediately, or are in distress.

trans lifeline -- Trans Lifeline’s Hotline is a peer support service run by trans people, for trans and questioning callers. Their operators are located all over the U.S. and Canada, and are all trans-identified. If you are in crisis or just need someone to talk to, even if it’s just about whether or not you’re trans, please call them. They will do their best to support you and provide you resources.

glbt national hotline -- The LGBT National Hotline is for all ages. They provide a safe space that is anonymous and confidential where callers can speak on many different issues and concerns including, but limited to, coming out issues, gender and/or sexuality identities, relationship concerns, bullying, workplace issues, HIV/AIDS anxiety, safer sex information, suicide, and much more. The LGBT National Hotline is staffed by highly trained volunteers who identify somewhere on the LGBTQ spectrum, from all ages, walks of life and from all over the United States. Along with peer support, listening and affirmation, their volunteers are supplied with the largest LGBTQ resource database in the US (www.LGBTNEARME.ORG) for those who are seeking additional support and ways to connect with their local community.

national suicide prevention lifeline -- We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.

crisis text line -- Free 24/7 support at your fingertips. Crisis Text Line is here for any crisis. A live, trained Crisis Counselor receives the text and responds, all from their secure online platform. The volunteer Crisis Counselor will help you move from a hot moment to a cool moment.

equality federation -- The movement builder and strategic partner to state-based organizations advocating for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) people.

matthew shepard foundation -- Empowers individuals to embrace human dignity and diversity through outreach, advocacy and resource programs. We strive to replace hate with understanding, compassion and acceptance.

true colors united -- Works to end homelessness among lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender youth, creating a world in which young people can be their true selves.

sex, etc. -- On a mission to improve teen sexual health across the country. They help teens with answers to their question about sex, relationships, pregnancy, STDs, birth control, sexual orientation and more.

sage -- The nation’s largest and oldest organization dedicated to improving the lives of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) elders.

advocate -- An LGBT-interest magazine / website. With an editorial focus on news, politics, opinion, and arts & entertainment.

human rights campaign -- The largest civil rights organization working to achieve equality for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender Americans.

national lgbtq task force -- The country’s oldest national LGBTQ+ advocacy group.

national center for transgender equality -- The nation’s leading social justice advocacy organization winning life-saving change for transgender people. NCTE was founded in 2003 by transgender activists who recognized the urgent need for policy change to advance transgender equality.

lambda legal -- A national organization committed to achieving full recognition of the civil rights of lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, transgender people and those with HIV through impact litigation, education and public policy work.

pflag -- The nation’s largest organization uniting people who are LGBTQ+ with parents, families, friends, and allies. PFLAG has over 350 chapters and 200,000 members and supporters crossing multiple generations of American families in major urban centers, small cities, and rural areas in all 50 states.

it gets better -- Their mission is to uplift, empower and connect LGBTQ+ youth around the globe.

the trevor project -- The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning youth. 24/7 chat, text, and call line for crisis intervention and suicide prevention for LGBTQ+ youth (13-24 years old).

egale canada (canada's lgbt human rights organization) -- Egale Canada is a national organization committed to advancing equality and justice for lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans-identified people, and their families, across Canada. Egale has members in every province and territory of the country. Their Board of Directors is comprised of an elected male and female representative from each of six regions of Canada.

rainbow railroad -- Rainbow Railroad is a Canadian charitable organization that helps lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer individuals escape violence and persecution in their home countries.

as we all know, pride started from a riot. in light of recent events surrounding the black lives matter movement, we wanted to also showcase resources to help educate you && highlight ways you can help out. whenever we see our members talking about standing up for human rights && black lives, it makes us so proud to have you in our group. whether you protested, signed petitions, or donated -- it's important to show up for the black community every day, especially the black lgbtq+ community.

snapco -- Builds power of Black trans and queer people to force systemic divestment from the prison industrial complex and invest in community support.

the okra project - Collective that seeks to address the global crisis faced by Black trans people by bringing home-cooked meals and resources to the community.

marsha p. johnson institute -- An organization dedicated to protecting and defending the human rights of Black transgender people.

national black justice coalition -- The National Black Justice Coalition is a civil rights organization dedicated to empowering Black lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people.

trans justice funding project - Community-led funding initiative to support grassroots trans justice groups run by and for trans people.

black aids institute -- Working to end the Black HIV epidemic through policy, advocacy, and high-quality direct HIV services.

youth breakout -- Works to end the criminalization of LGBTQ+ youth in New Orleans to build a safer and more just community.

house of gg -- Creating safe and transformative spaces for community to heal, and nurturing them into tomorrow’s leaders, focusing on trans women of color in the South.

lgbtq+ freedom fund -- Posts bail for LGBTQ+ people held in jail or immigrant detention and raises awareness of the epidemic of LGBTQ+ overincarceration.

trans cultural district -- The world’s first-ever legally recognized trans district, which aims to stabilize and economically empower the trans community.

black minds matter uk -- Support in making mental health topics relevant and accessible for all black people in the U.K.

the stephen lawrence charitable trust -- They work with young people from disadvantaged backgrounds aged 13 to 30 to inspire and enable them to succeed in the career of their choice. They also influence others to create a fairer society in which everyone, regardless of their background, can flourish.

the official BLM website -- #BlackLivesMatter was founded in 2013 in response to the acquittal of Trayvon Martin’s murderer. Black Lives Matter Foundation, Inc is a global organization in the US, UK, and Canada, whose mission is to eradicate white supremacy and build local power to intervene in violence inflicted on Black communities by the state and vigilantes. By combating and countering acts of violence, creating space for Black imagination and innovation, and centering Black joy, they are winning immediate improvements in their lives.

black lives matter toronto -- To forge critical connections and to work in solidarity with black communities, black-centric networks, solidarity movements, and allies in order to to dismantle all forms of state-sanctioned oppression, violence, and brutality committed against African, Caribbean, and Black cis, queer, trans, and disabled populations in Toronto.

a collection of petitions/donation links/educational resources -- Click on "more resources" then "educate yourself" then "lesson plan on being an ally" to find an extremely useful table of education resources -- you can choose to do 10/25/40 mins per day.

#malnatievents #malnatipride

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malxlawson · 4 years

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— && guests may mistake me as ( halsey ), but really i am ( amalia 'mal' lawson + cis female + she/her ) and my DOB is ( 8/6/1995 ). i am applying for the ( maintenance manager ) position as part of the EHP and would like to live in suite ( 202 ). i should be hired because i am ( + passionate, charismatic, thorough ), but i can also be ( - prideful, dramatic, argumentative ) at times. personally, i like to ( creating street art, volunteer community work, organizing protests ) when off the clock, but that won’t interfere with work. thank you for your consideration!

aaaand here we come with our favorite revamped heathen! mal hasn’t had quite as much changed - just a nice lil face lift and we love that for her.

before we get super into it: we have a stats page and a pinterest for your viewing pleasure.

going a little heavy on the triggers just because i want to be sure to cover all my bases!! most everything is just a mention, but we gotta be safe kids! take care of yourselves and remember ilysm.

( pregnancy tw, miscarriage tw, police brutality mentions tw, substance abuse tw )

- amalia raelle lawson was born august 6th, 1995 to marshal and cherisse lawson in oakland, california.

- marshal owned a local bbq restaurant and cherisse was an er nurse. both grew up in rough neighborhoods with rough childhoods, but vowed to make their kids’ lives better than their own.

- three years after mal came into their lives, they had a son; jayden.

- from that day on, mal had a best friend and confidant that she’d go to the ends of the earth to keep by her side.

- their childhoods weren’t easy in the way most kids are - their mom worked long hours and their dad spent most of his days at the restaurant. when their parents were home though (if cherisse wasn’t sleeping off a shift change), they spent their time with their community - be it at the restaurant or at block parties - trying to better it in any way they could manage.

- police brutality mention tw despite their efforts, their community was still plagued by all the injustices every other predominantly black community faces. from a young age, mal learned that the justice system wasn’t built to serve her or the people she considered family.

- police brutality mention tw she was six the first time she heard about a family friend being a victim of excessive force; nine when she saw it. for years after that, she saw mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and cousins coming to mourn their loved ones - either locked up or taken from them too soon.

- instead of becoming numb to these tragedies, a fire was lit in amalia to change the system - even if she had to dismantle it one piece at a time.

- in the mean time, mal found an outlet for her emotions in art - specifically painting. she started with watercolors and crayolas, but once her parents realized her abilities were beyond what they should have been for a kind her age, they put whatever extra they could manage into mal and her passion for art.

- she was fourteen when she was introduced to street art - graffiti, if you want to get technical. his name was trey and amalia was instantly enamored by him. trey ran with a rougher crowd than mal was used to, but he softened around her.

- pregnancy tw they were young, in love, and reckless. she was fifteen when mal found out she was pregnant. while she wasn’t thrilled about becoming another statistic, she was thrilled about the idea of having a child.

- not entirely pleased with the situation, but always willing to support their children, mal’s parents welcomed trey into the family with open arms and began planning what was sure to be a life full of love for the newest addition to the lawson family.

- miscarriage tw three months into the pregnancy, amalia started to experience cramping and spotting. worried it may be something serious, she had her mom take her to the hospital. it was there they confirmed that mal was experiencing a miscarriage.

- everything changed after that. amalia was no longer the girl who wanted to fight the world’s injustices - she was just a girl who wanted to fight the world. she was angry and bitter at everyone and everything.

- substance abuse tw her relationship with trey quickly began to deteriorate and she turned, for the first time, to the rougher crew he hung out with. booze and drugs quickly became a way for mal to cope with the pain she carried around. she started small - cigarettes and pot - before graduating to the harder stuff, like coke and prescription pills.

- substance abuse tw skipping school to get loaded became a regular occurrence and when the truancy officers showed up at the lawson’s front door, her parents sat mal down for an at home intervention. for as much as they yelled and cried and offered treatment, amalia wasn’t hearing any of it. it wasn’t until jayden snuck into her room late one night to ask if he was going to lose mal like one of his friends had lost his older brother that mal realized her actions weren’t only effecting her life.

- miscarriage tw just before her junior year - with the help of her parents - mal decided it was best for her to leave public school and finish the rest of her schooling online. the same time she started online schooling, amalia started painting again. something she hadn’t done since she found out she’d miscarried.

- being able to stay home meant mal had the space and time to heal in her own ways. when she wasn’t doing school work, amalia was painting to help clear her head. it took some time, but she was finally able to tell her parents what she was going through, both mentally and physically.

- miscarriage tw after she miscarried, mal started to suffer from chronic period and pelvic pain, as well as painful intercourse. she’d also been suffering from symptoms of depression, all of which help lead her down the destructive path she’d gone down.

- several doctor trips later, mal was diagnosed with endometriosis and depression and quickly began treatments for both. despite starting treatments for her endometriosis, doctors told mal the likelihood of her conceiving again was highly unlikely.

- mal hadn’t expected to hear at 16 that biological children may never be in her future and she was devastated, but she had her support system and their love and willingness to do whatever they could for her helped her cope in a much healthier way.

- by seventeen, amalia was feeling like her life was back on track, though drastically different than she’d imagined. she finished her diploma early and began working for her dad in the restaurant; serving, cooking, even helping fix things when they broke down. slowly but surely, mal mended her relationship with her parents and earned back their trust.

- one day, after some kids had vandalized the restaurant, marshal asked mal if she’d help cover the graffiti. jumping at the chance, amalia spent three days finishing her first big piece - which is still her favorite to this day - a portrait of her family and the community that kept the restaurant going. abstract and colorful, full of life and vibrancy, mal’s piece drew a lot of attention and several offers for her to commission other pieces.

- for the next three years, mal worked at the restaurant and took commissions when she could. life seemed normal again. she even reconnected with trey, mending the relationship that had been broken.

- the day trey proposed was the happiest day of mal’s life. she’d been beyond thrilled! after everything they’d been through, he still wanted to be with her. unfortunately, the bliss didn’t last. their engagement abruptly ended and mal decided it was best if she get away for a while, so as to not slip back into destructive patterns.

- a quick google search brought amalia to the malnati website and their employee housing program. applying was a no brainer and a month later she and jayden were packing their bags and moving to chicago.

- she started as a maid and, in the four years she’s been there, has moved up to the maintenance manager position.

hcs!

- when she’s not working, mal’s usually painting in her suite or sketching at one of the many parks in chicago during the day. at night, you’ll find her taking full advantage of chicago’s nightlife. night’s in for mal lawson are few and far between.

- drugs tw she skates a fine line when it comes to sobriety. she’s careful to drink or use just enough to be sure she’ll have a good time, but it’s a slippery slope. in the four years she’s been in chicago, mal’s slowly started doing more and more, telling herself she’s got a handle on it. truth be told, she’s teetering on the edge of a full blown problem again.

- super into video games, but partial to anything involving zombies. mal loves a zombie - don’t ask me why. she’s usually down to play among us, valorant, fortnight, and is always down for a little animal crossing when she needs something more chill.

- 90′s hip hop & r&b are mal’s shiiiiiit. she’s at her happiest when she’s got a little tupac on in the background.

- also don’t you dare try to tell her he’s not alive in cuba somewhere living his best life. she ain’t havin’ it.

- when she’s angsty/sad/angry her go to playlist is a lot of punk, rock, grunge. especially of the 90′s persuasion. she stays on brand. her favorites are the offspring, nirvana, the foo fighters, soundgarden, stone temple pilots, the smashing pumpkins, sonic youth, and pixies.

- she’s gluten intolerant and vegetarian.

- mal is a cult classic movie kind of gal. donnie darko, pulp fiction, rocky horror are all on her list of favorites. she’s never going to turn down a good horror/thriller marathon, either.

- she plays a little piano and a little guitar. she picked them up after she started online schooling. she finds both relaxing. she’s by no means going to make a career out of it, but it’s fun!

- hella resting bitch face, but she really is super friendly! she just doesn’t always look it.

- don’t test her, though. she’s got attitude for days and she isn’t afraid to let you know what she thinks or how she feels about you. we ain’t got no time for games, okay?! okay.

- amalia has also very much immersed herself in community work since moving to chicago, especially on the south side. if her parents taught her anything growing up, it’s that she should give back the her community as much as she’s able.

- a lot of her street art celebrates women of color and their beauty.

- not a fan of cops, still. soz pals.

- when it comes to work, she does her best to make the malnati a decent place to work. she’s all about positive reinforcement and making sure she takes care of her employees. she’s not gonna shy away from telling you ya fucked up, though. she’ll say it with love, though, while also calling you a giant pain in her ass. but with love. okay?! okay.

wanted connections!

- hook ups! : mal is a RAGING bisexual and is not at all afraid to make her appreciation for someone’s physical appearance known. just don’t expect to stay the night. once the deed is done you’ve got about thirty seconds to vacate mal’s suite.

- softies! : make. her. soft. give me someone who makes her break her no sleep over rule, pls and thank. she’s a stubborn, pain in the ass, and sassy af but someone who can make her melt? and act like a teenager in love again? all gooey and gross? yuh. pls.

- good influence! : someone she doesn’t have to drink and party with to have a good time! remind her that she misses things when she’s not sober - that the world is still beautiful and inspiring even when she’s not in a drug induced haze.

- chill baes! : drugs tw people mal just ~ v I b E s ~ with! probs smokin’ a decent amount of weed together.

- protest pals! : people who are also involved in the community and social justice movements. they happily bail each other out of jail (or, more likely, sit in the back of a squad car together) and attend protests together. bc the buddy system. overthrow the government safely ty.

- rivals! : mal’s got a big mouth and some seriously controversial opinions. she’s not afraid to call people out for being ‘wrong’ and calling them...creative names. she’s bound to have a giant list of people who aren’t her biggest fans.

- bad girl’s club : need i say more? give. me. the girl gang. constantly partying and constantly getting into some kind of mischief and leaving a trail of broken hearts as they go.

if you made it this far, you deserve SEVERAL high fives and literally all my love. ily all v much and uh, yuh. let’s plot pals. :)

#amalia | ooc #malnatiooc #malnatiintro #insert dj khalid *anotha one* gif here pls

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no-hetsplanation-for-aa · 4 years

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thoughts on ace attorney investigations 2: prosecutor’s path

oh my god....it’s over. after 6 long months of playing this game, it’s finally over, and yet it feels like it ended all too soon. enough of my sentimental babbling though, let’s get into the actual game:

i’d like to preface this by saying that i probably couldn’t have picked a WORSE time to start playing this, as my life got really, really busy right after i began playing the game. literally the day of i got into a car accident, and then throughout the rest of the time i barely had any time to play it because i wasn’t always at my computer, so in terms of what i can remember of this game some of it is a bit foggy.....not to mention it was recommended to me that i play it BEFORE i jumped into aa5 and aa6 (which i didn’t listen to!!), which would have been a good idea, but.....okay, more on that later, let’s ACTUALLY get started here--

-the friend that obtained a rom of this game for me told me there were no filler cases here and they REALLY weren’t kidding around. every case, every detail is SUPER important, especially to everything that happens in the final case

-i felt like some bits, like case 2 dragged on a bit and weren’t very interesting, but again, it all paid off later. there are a lot of “oh my god, so THAT’S why they mentioned that” and “oh so THAT was that character’s role” moments as you go through the storyline

-franziska was there but she was not there as much as i would have liked her to be? idk, i’m one that thinks she still has story elements that need resolving, and would like to see her growth in a later game, but then again, this really wasn’t her turn in the spotlight so it’s understandable

-....on the flipside franziska WAS there and i enjoyed every moment of her being there and you saw how nuts i went over her in real time, so

-god.....ray.....i really like ray! i like a lot of things about ray: his mentor qualities towards edgeworth, how strong he is for upholding the edgeworth law offices firm even after gregory’s death, the fact that he likes to eat paper.....everything else, just, not when he does.....this......

....sometimes i think he might be joking, because he can shape up and be serious if the situation calls for it, but?? why does he do this?? why did they write him this way????? why........?

-sebastian’s character arc was GREAT and seeing him become strong enough to stand up to blaise was so, so satisfying. i wish we had another game JUST to see where sebastian’s life and career goes

-now it’s time to talk about simon.....i think that after completing aai2, he’s quickly soared up to become one of my favorite villains, or at least one of the most interesting. because like, you can FEEL for him, you really feel like he shouldn’t even BE in the situation he’s in, and that any sort of intervention earlier on in his life would have prevented all this mess. he’s a victim of abandonment and a faulty law system which the higher-ups abuse and bend for their own goals. he did orchestrate a master plan that ended up with everyone who ever abused or betrayed him dying, and that wasn’t right like he could’ve gone to therapy or just, SOMETHING. like john marsh said, revenge isn’t the right answer:

...nevertheless, the ending was satisfying. even after all the trauma, and after all the trauma he caused himself, simon is jailed but gets to spend life in prison where nobody can hurt him anymore, and he’s not even alone! dogen, who saved his life (and whose life he also saved) is right there with him, and as we see in the end credits, also seems grateful for the company

-my only complaint with simon is that i feel we don’t quite see ENOUGH of him for the payoff to feel worth it, like he’s there briefly in previous cases, but doesn’t get a major role or backstory explanation (save for the fact he and knightley were friends....not really) until the final case. i guess though that makes the reveal all the more shocking, though. he’s someone you would NEVER expect to be the mastermind (even though i knew already from spoilers), but i dunno. that’s just my opinion

-overall this was a really solid game, musically, character arc-wise, and especially...thematically. this game was all about fathers, starting to heal from trauma, and deciding to live independently from your parents and choosing your own path. and each character took part in this. a very, very satisfying story

i think that’s it.....i don’t know if i would say it’s my absolute favorite ace attorney game, but out of all of them, i really feel it’s the most well-written, solid story i’ve had the chance to read through in this series. i only wish i had played it inbetween my completion of the mainline 2d games before i jumped into the 3d ones, because going back to the old classics feels almost....unsatisfying, in a way, like aai2 had a lot to live up to since i was absolutely blown away by aa5 and aa6. but it still was very good. i’m not sure what i want to do now....i currently don’t have a way to play dgs (i’m an ios user), so i guess i’ll either have to watch a walkthrough or something unless i can get my hands on a working device. i’m also planning a re-re-playthrough of the original trilogy, since i feel like i need a refresher on those and never did a proper documented run through those, so i hope you’ll all be looking forward to whatever comes next for this blog

thank you all so much for tuning in and reading!

#ace attorney #ace attorney investigations 2 #aai2 spoilers /#MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR SPOILERS i wouldn't reccommend reading this unless you've actually played the game #fathers mention #long post

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penofdamocles · 4 years

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100 Random Character Development Questions

Detail one secret shame your character feels.

Dozens of times, in varying situations, Madison’s upset his friends in the normal way, that friends do, when just by being themselves they rub the wrong way with someone who isn’t exactly like them. The problem is that he takes these mistakes extremely seriously, blames himself for not knowing exactly what they wanted and acting accordingly, and feels a need to fix himself in order to never upset the given person again in the future. Whether his friends are actually upset and about what is a grey area that he’s constantly drawing assumptions from, and said friends might disagree with his assessment, but in every instance, willing to do anything to keep them all from giving up on him or hurting him to make him go away, as he believes he deserves, Madison promises to do and be better in the future.In his own eyes, he’s broken this promise dozens of times over. All the things he promises to change or stop are neutral elements of his personality and mental illness twisted into unforgivable flaws inside his own head, or inherent urges written into his angel programming that he blames himself for not being good enough to bypass. The fact that he repeatedly makes these “horrible mistakes” and then is incapable of successfully changing or erasing the part of himself that “caused the problem” is seen as a huge flaw in its own right, inherently selfish that he “refuses” to alter his thought processes to make someone he cares about happier. His friends like him the way he is, of course, and rarely seem to take that promise seriously, but Madison knows that he lied to everyone at some point, and the self-hatred and shame from being built of flaws that he seemingly doesn’t care enough to get rid of, even when they hurt those he loves, has eaten him for a long time. The unkeepable promises just add to that; though he’d never remind anyone he made them.

What is the most beautiful thing they’ve ever seen?

Mads hasn’t seen a lot of things, and would call a few different unrelated events equally “the most beautiful thing”, including his first sunset, his wife, his ward’s birth, the storm he flew into, most of his friends and their neat abilities, he thinks lots of things are beautiful, stuff like that. But one thing always stuck with him, and though he wouldn’t admit it since it seems self-absorbed and arrogant, witnessing his soul’s healing ability activate for the first time, in the context it did, would rank at the top. He didn’t know it existed at all before the power was urgently needed to save Seculus, but the clouds of colorful buzzing light that surrounded them, combined with Sec’s visible improvement and the knowledge that Madison was the one doing this, that he was finally capable of helping his friend (and finally good for something); that stuck with him. Though, he would say that Sec’s look of joy and relief was the most beautiful thing in this situation.

What do they think is the worst thing that can be done to a person?

Oof! Oof!! In Madison’s professional opinion, robbing a person of their free will and ability to choose is bad enough, but the worst thing is going further, taking their memories, and identity, planting desired patterns of thought and mental blocks and traps to keep them from so much as thinking about specific inconvenient things without pain, conditioning them to have certain feelings toward certain things or maybe none at all, punishing them with temporary nonexistence and reinforcement of this programming for every hint of rebellion, pressing and shaping them into the preferred shape until they’re incapable of functioning whatsoever without being controlled and directed. Until they’re something completely different, empty but conscious, molded into a subhuman tool by whoever thought they had the right. Essentially, the worst thing he believes can be done to a person is to make them not a person anymore, without killing them. He gets very strong feelings whenever he sees a situation resembling this, and if it sounds familiar, it should; it’s a thorough description of brainwashing, and word for word what happened, and is still happening, to Madison himself. Of course, he doesn’t see this as ‘the worst thing’ in his own case; he’s not a person, after all! (The depressing irony is lost on him.)

How does your character feel about their own mortality?

Now this is an interesting one, because technically, Madison can’t die again; voices don’t age or get sick, and Madison’s healing ability prevents him from being killed violently unless every spark of his soul were destroyed at once. Even when voices do die, their soul lingers without form as a highly functional but extremely lonely ghost, for the eternity they would’ve had otherwise. However, a recent discovery revealed that if a voice goes for a little longer than a month without visiting the astral plane, they begin to disappear entirely, without the energy of their home plane to sustain them. Without intervention they’ll simply vanish like they were never there. Madison’s been thinking about this latter scenario a lot. The concept of forever, potentially spent alone, scares him, especially with the knowledge that his family is in an afterlife he’ll never have access to, and with each wave of overwhelming hopelessness, the idea of doing absolutely nothing until he completely disappears has tempted him more and more. The hateful growth taking up residence in his head until recently has made matters much worse. He used to have an intense fear of anyone choosing to kill him at any time, and though that was irrational in the first place for several reasons, that anxiety’s gone now. If Madison were mortal, he’d have probably left a long time ago; he’s died before, what does he have to fear from doing it again?

Has your character ever killed anyone?

No he hasn’t! Not even on accident. Madison’s had a pacifistic mindset since he was with his ward, it’s one of his core principles to never resort to violence when angered or upset, even in small amounts. That said, he’s not exactly capable of murder even if he wanted to, with his poor fighting abilities and anxiety around blood, not that he’s had a chance or desire in the past. Even now that he’s learning to use a proper weapon, he’s intent on only using it in defense of himself and others, and though he’s wished death on several people’s abusers at this point, there’s been no need for it yet. Mads believes that it’s his fault directly that the people in his place of work when he died were killed along with him, however, though there isn’t solid proof of that, and if there were, it would have been unintentional and impossible to predict the outcome when it happened.

How strong is your character’s sense of responsibility? What kinds of things trigger it?

Stronger than any other sense he has, that’s for sure; too strong, in fact. Between what he was built to do as an angel in supporting and helping a person with his whole being, his own intense instincts as a parent and friend, and the extremely high standards he holds himself to, Madison takes responsibility for everyone else’s problems and then some. It’s a consistent, unshakable mindset that when he sees someone struggling, he has to help in whatever way he can, or sometimes ways he can’t, which he then puts responsibility on himself for not being capable of.

Madison when first introduced to the world was wildly inconsiderate of anyone’s wants, feelings, or concerns outside of his ward; he learned how to care about people from Seculus, another angel with a really bad self-sacrifice problem, and he saw her as such a kind person that aer unhealthy tendencies were taken as law. It took so much effort to get to the level of decency Mads has reached now that any sort of dismissal of others’ pain is interpreted as a huge step backwards into the cruel person he was before, that he needs to immediately make up for. His feelings may differ, but whether it’s familial, romantic, ward-esque or empathetic, he offers up everything when someone has a problem of any sort, especially emotional, and if there’s no fixing it, takes responsibility for its very existence, taking on their pain like this makes anything better. This in itself is ironically self-absorbed, though at the same time the only responsibility he takes for his own issues is to claim that he doesn’t matter enough for them to be a concern to himself or others. It’s irresponsible to worry others with his own problems, when they can’t easily be solved and don’t directly impact those besides himself. Obviously this gets frustrating sometimes.

There is also a gripping need to protect others, especially those he cares about. Witnessing someone in danger sets off his angel dad instincts, the first of which is to throw himself between them and the threat, either figuratively or literally. When they won’t let him, he gets panicked, as it feels like he’s forced to stand there and just watch; there are only a couple of people he trusts enough to let them protect him in return. Putting others in harm’s way for his own sake seems irresponsible. (Also ironic!) This is most of the reason he’s learning swordplay, so that he’s more effective in defending others, as opposed to just being a fragile obstacle.

On a lighter note, he feels the same intense responsibility for most living things, and having a pet in his life has helped his own self-care routines somewhat. His dog is relying on him for food, care, and shelter, and if he allows himself to stop functioning entirely or disappear, Madison will be causing him to suffer; thus, he continues to exist, on his worst days, just so Bo won’t have to be in pain. Being told by people, as well, the pain this would cause them, also forces Madison to stick around, but it’s out of guilt, not reassurance at being cared for.

#ttthank you weasel this is LONG #long post /#death ment /#suicide ment /#Asks #Ask memes #ooc #champiowned #save

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carbrakes-and-stakes · 4 years

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Character development : 30 questions

1. What makes them happy? What do they think would make them happy?

Alain had to learn to be satisfied with simpler things, although it was not always the case.

He is happy whenever he works on a big project, such as the complete renovation of a vintage car. The house he bought belonged to an old couple and so he plans to flip it entirely, room by room. A job well done bringing him joy, it’s likely that he’ll feel quite pleased once he is done. A pint of beer or a glass of scotch at the end of the day are both satisfying to the hunter.

Alain takes great pleasure from a job well done whether it's at the garage, in his garden or in the kitchen.

What he thinks would make him happy are things he can’t get and he would rather forget about it. He looked for his mother for a while but never got a clue as to who she could be. He wouldn’t say no to his family losing everything either. A bankruptcy would humble them all.

2. How do they feel about their appearance?

Alain is aware that he is rather attractive and fit, especially for his age although staying fit requires that he exercises daily. Having to hike around at night does help with that task.

People tend to not believe him when he tells them how old he is. Don’t call him a vampire, please.

He mostly feels good about his looks although he sometimes wishes he were a bit taller.

3. What would their ideal friend be like? (Have they had any luck finding such a person?)

Alain does not speak a lot at first although he can get talkative around people he feels comfortable with. His ideal friend is someone he can trust, who shares a few interests with him whether it's cars, astronomy, cooking or any other of his hobbies. Their ideal friend is calm, humble, curious about everything, has a good sense of humor and is respectful of others, and most importantly, won’t drag him to social gatherings.

4. What kind of people do they hate?

Aside from his family and vampires, Alain cannot stand people who think too highly of themselves and doesn’t like people who talk a lot despite having nothing interesting to say. Gossiping is not something he enjoys either although he hears a lot of things, being a shop owner. People who are completely unpredictable are avoided at all cost as he finds them unreliable, selfish, and to be more of a danger than anything.

5. What offenses do they think are unforgivable? (Or IS anything guaranteed unforgivable)

Being a vampire. Lying to his face (unless it’s to keep a secret). Divulging a secret (doesn't have to be his secret).

Otherwise he is a rather forgiving person, as he understands that you can make mistakes. He would be quite the hypocrite if he did not allow people to get a second chance. A second, not a third. Don't expect to gain his trust back easily if you've upset him.

6. How well do they keep promises or commitments? Do they expect the same of others?

Alain is loyal and honest and won't make a promise if he does not believe that he can live up to it. Commitment takes time, but once he commits to something or someone, he stays true to his beliefs.

He does expect people to respect their commitments and will be very upset were they to betray them.

7. How long does it take them to warm up to people?

It can take a while as Alain has trouble allowing people close. It's fair to say that the way things ended with his family left a mark. However, common interests are the quickest way to get Alain to be interested in having a conversation with you. Bonus points if you own a dog.

Alain isn’t too good at socializing however, and appearing as distant often makes it difficult for others to warm up to him.

8. Do they keep any important rituals or routines?

His days are organized around the same routine : Breakfast. Training. Work. Running. Dinner. Nap. Hunting. Sleep. Restart. On Sundays, Alain goes hiking or eventually spends time home baking or gardening, working on a project.

9. When distressed, do they seek solitude or support from others?

Solitude. Alain isn't one for sharing. He knows that he should open up more about what troubles him but has yet to find someone he trusts enough for that.

10. If someone comes to them with a problem, how do they respond? (Advice? Sympathy? Taking it into their own hands? Blowing it off completely?) How does this it vary based on who’s asking?

He won't respond to someone he doesn’t know well and will advise them to ask someone else first.

Depending on whether he can help fix the problem, he will take it into his own hands if he cannot just provide advice. His advice/intervention can sometimes appear as controlling but it's only with the idea to improve their life/solve their problem. He'll have to know every details and facts before doing anything however, and analyse the situation carefully before he can offer his help.

11. How do they feel about physical contact? What are their personal space requirements?

Alain is really not fond of hugs from strangers or people he barely knows although he'll enjoy them if they come from a friend.

His personal space is basically a bubble with a 3’ (1 meter) radius. He'll often claim to have a cold at social gatherings because saying he doesn’t like to touch others is often seen by others as a douchebag move.

12. What do they do to relax? (What if they’re prevented from doing that thing?)

A glass of alcohol, a walk or eventually a joint will all manage to appease Alain. He can get quite anxious and has had panic attacks in the past from being unable to unwind. He can also get cranky when he feels anxious, getting angry at people for no real reason. If Alain will later apologize for overreacting, he doesn’t like having to do it.

13. What do they get excited about?

Telescopes, space exploration, astronomy, vintage cars, car renovation projects, hiking up a new mountain, tasting new food, etc. Sometimes he’ll be excited about an event, but get very anxious about it in the days before the event. It’s only once he’ll start having a nice time that the anxiety will go. This has sometimes led him to not go somewhere he wanted to. Nowadays, he tries to force himself into going anyways.

14. What do they consider the area of their expertise? (Are they right about that?)

Vampire extermination and the renovation of vintage cars. He's aware that there’s always more you can learn and is mostly humble despite being also proud of his skills. As far as sword fighting is concerned, he does not have much he could learn from a teacher, but when it comes to cars, he’ll often take lessons to become more specialized.

15. What are their blind spots or biases? (Do they know about them?)

Alain does not like to analyze his feelings and often pretends that everything is okay. He can convince himself of that.

Since he doesn’t trust a lot of people, he hunts alone and has been in situations where he was seriously injured. As humbling as almost dying can be, Alain is too stubborn to change his ways completely. These days, his dogs accompany him and have proven to be rather useful.

16. How active is their imagination? (Do they use it to advantage? Does it tend to run off with them?)

Alain is imaginative when it comes to practical things, mechanics, and crafts and loves using his hands to make his ideas come to life.

17. How good are they at reading other people?

He is not good at it although he isn’t aware of that. In his eyes, everyone is ill intended and self-centered at first. There are very few people who don't have this negative vibe to him and they are people he will more easily engage conversation with.

18. How easy or difficult is it for other people to read them?

Most people are convinced that he's grumpy and some have different theories as to why. For instance some say he's grumpy because he was not on his parents' testimony, some other say that it’s because Audrey left him and vanished.

19. How comfortable are they with animals (pets, other domesticated beasts, wild animals)?

He’s very comfortable around animals but he has a habit of being careful around animals that are not his.

20. To what extent are they concerned with other people? Do they tend to serve others, protect their own, or only look out for number one? (In other words, is their priority “you,” “us,” or “me”?)

Alain’s motto could be “If I die that's fine, but nobody else is allowed.” He has been raised since he was a child to believe that he had to protect his younger sister, and he’s been trying to protect people ever since.

21. Do they enjoy challenges or avoid them? In what areas?

He likes a challenge as far as his day job is concerned. He was not afraid to buy an old house even if that meant having to spend most of his weekends repairing everything, piece by piece.

As reckless as he can be, he’ll never try to face an elder vampire on his own and is strategic when it comes to hunting, a result of his many years of training.

22. How well do they deal with injuries or ailments?

As he heals faster than regular humans, he doesn’t usually worry too much about his injuries. Only bad ones leave a scar anyways.

He wishes he could say that he got used to the pain but that’s not really true. He doesn’t fear getting injured however, even if he wants to avoid that at all cost.

23. What qualities do they most want to be associated with? What’s the highest compliment anyone could pay them? The gravest insult?

Alain would rather be recognized for his work, his success than for things he has no control over. Still, he does not know how to take a compliment.

The highest compliment would be to praise him for his work as a mechanic. But if you try to suggest that all he achieved, he couldn’t have done without his family, whether he wants it or not, you probably will get headbutted before you’re done talking.

24. How comfortable are they with being the center of attention? Do they want recognition for their works? (Can they even take a compliment in the first place?)

He is not used to it and would rather stay on the side lines, where he feels most comfortable.

He gets recognition for his works and appreciates it when it comes from professionals. As far as personal compliments are concerned, he’ll briefly turn bright red.

25. How willing are they to take risks? What factors might affect their decisions on that front?

He’ll take risks if this means rescuing an innocent from harm. But that’s only if he thinks that he can get away with it. He can usually trust his judgement on that, but you never know when you’re wrong before it’s too late.

26. How competitive are they? Do they expect to win or think they’re going to lose? Can they take either outcome gracefully?

He used to let his sister win on the occasions when he had the advantage in a fight, back when they were training in martial arts or fencing as children and as teenagers.

He’s not a sore loser, but he will be quite smug if he wins. He will often taunt vampires and insult them.

27. How much do they care about etiquette, politesse, propriety? Do they have the same standards for themself as for other people?

If Alain curses a lot, mostly in French, he knows a lot about etiquette and will behave appropriately according to context. He feels more comfortable in relaxed environments but can make quite an impression where it's not expected of him, a mechanic.

28. Do they guard personal information closely, or is it all free for the asking? Is there something they would never tell anyone?

He doesn’t like to share information about himself, and aside from Audrey, there was not a lot of people who knew how he was brought up as a child, what kind of childhood he had, about his time at the Ring, and there’s only a handful of people who knows what he does at night.

He doesn’t like talking about his childhood, about Audrey, and obviously he doesn’t talk about the supernatural to anyone but those in the know.

29. Do they assign more weight to actions or words?

He likes to think actions are stronger than words, but he can be fooled by words anyway.

30. How decisive are they? What do they do if they have trouble making a decision?

Alain has to be spontaneous while he hunts or when he’s working. However making decisions in social context is a lot more complicated as he tends to over analyse what people want from him or think of him.

#character development #about #this is VERY long

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thecorteztwins · 5 years

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Well...I would love to read Haven raising the little Boltagons, I really adored the concept, please give me cuteness

[AAAAH heck yes that’s really adorable!Ok so- I’m largely ignoring the question of how they came to be with her, but I imagine it might have been a sort of Super-Man situation where Attilan was coming down and Agon and Rhynda just managed to get their kids out in time and they got found in the Himalayas- I am TOTALLY ignoring the fact that timeline wise, Haven and the Boltagons are actually around the same age because FUCK THAT THIS IS FEEL-GOOD FIXI-IT FANTASY!]

Haven hesitated to say that there was a "problem" with any child, but she had observed internal wounds in many. In her line of work, with street people and refugees, there were many such wounds. You got good at spotting them. Some of them, people were born with, as one might be born with a malformed or missing limb. Others were acquired, as physical injuries might be, from trauma that befell people after birth.Oftentimes, these internal wounds hurt only those people who suffered them. But sometimes, there were types that, just as rabies or distemper could drive someone to attack others, internal wounds that could lead people to hurting others too. She'd seen this as well. And most recently, she'd seen those signs in Maximus. Small things, bullying and stealing, and clever lies when he got caught. He was very good at tricking her, she could freely admit. Much more so than a typical child would be capable enough to accomplish. Of course, he was a genius, so that was not surprising. But he was a genius with mechanical matters; she had not at first realized that his skill with manipulating machines would extend to people. Naturally, she'd consulted professionals. Mental health professionals, who specialized in children who displayed traits like these. Haven might have familiarity with this sort of thing, but that didn't mean she was any sort of expert, and she wanted an expert to help Maximus, because she cared about him. It was the same way she'd take him to an expert doctor if he had an injury rather than try to treat it herself.

The doctors said she'd done the right thing, that the best thing for what they called "antisocial behaviors" in children was early intervention. Haven worried it might not be early enough; according to Maximus, his parents misuse of him and his brother had begun literally in the womb. And though Maximus was given to lying, Haven believed this. Maximus wasn't the only one good with people; Haven had been sensitive from a young age too, very attuned to the feelings of others, and it had made her very good at picking up when someone was conveying something to her like this, something they had deep feelings attached to. She wasn't a mutant. It wasn't a super power. It was just plain old human empathy, albeit to a greater degree than many people normally had.The intervention they recommended was to avoid punishment, which was not effective for children like Maximus, and to instead focus on positive reinforcement, rewarding him for what he did well, giving him incentive to behave. Perhaps they would eventually learn that they should be kind because they developed a sense of compassion and morals, but until they did, appeal to their self-interest with rewards. That was wonderful news to Haven; she practiced that already, rewarding the good behavior rather than simply punishing the bad. She just set about practicing it even more with Maximus. "You did fantastically, Maximus," she said, coming over to him after he had relinquished a toy to another child that was staying with them at the moment, a younger girl from Cambodia."That was very mature and kind of you, I'm very proud. Would you like to join me?"Maximus looked up at her, his expression contemplating, calculating, as he queried,"Will there be cookies?""Of course."And Maximus made the mental note that giving up dumb toys he didn't want anyway resulted in praise and cookies. Of course, he was also smart enough to assume that this was Haven's goal, to make him realize he got good things if he was nice, because he knew she wanted him to be nice---but that didn't mean he didn't still want those cookies.It worked out well for everyone.***

“Yes, maybe your father did do what he thought was best,” Haven agreed with the boy. “Perhaps even what was best. Not what was right, but the least wrong option that he had. Sometimes, that’s all there is available to us..”She reached towards his face slowly, giving him every opportunity to tell her no, to flinch away, even pausing her hand in the air before she made contact. He held his head still and met her gaze, and so she placed a hand on his cheek and continued,“But just because it was the least wrong does not make it right at all, and does not mean it did not hurt you. You can say that—acknowledge it, that it hurt, that it should never have happened. It doesn’t mean you’re calling them bad people or saying you hate them.”It would be easy for her to just say, of course, that his parents were terrible people who never should have done what they did and that there was no excuse for it. It would be easy. But like many easy things, it would be utterly reductive, and Black Bolt, having lived it, would see that, would immediately think of how she was wrong, how King Agon and Queen Rhynda had done what they had to do, would wordlessly ask how she would have handled it if she was so smart and moral. He would be defensive of his parents, especially since they were dead now, and thus occupied the space of martyrhood. And that was alright. Haven wasn’t here to condemn, only to heal, to help the boy heal. And that started just with Black Boltbeing willing to admit there was something to be healed, and he’d be more likely to do that without feeling he had to point fingers at loved ones to do it.And he did love his parents, she believed. He was showed that now with his face, his gestures, and he was telling her that he was sure what they had done, putting him all alone in the soundproof bubble, had hurt them too, but he seemed unsure wholly.“Perhaps it did hurt them too,” agreed Haven gently, “I would hope—and this feels cruel to say, but what sort of parents would they otherwise be—that it hurt them too. And I know it hurt you.”He seemed abashed, breaking her gaze, looking away and done.“It doesn’t make you weak—though there’d be nothing wrong with that. Weakness is no crime. But if anything, Black Bolt—if anything I am astounded by what a good, kind, wise person you are despite that.”He turned his gaze back to her, and she shook her head at the statement he non-verbally offered next,“No, I would not say that. Of course, you are the ultimate judge of how you wish to see this, it happened to you—but if I may offer an opinion?”The pre-king nodded.“This did not make you “better”. You were already good just as you are. You are still good despite this. It is as if someone took a hammer to both your knees as a small child, and even so you still learned to walk. It did not make you better at walking. It made walking harder for you to do. The accomplishment is made more remarkable, but the extra difficulty is nothing to be thankful for.”And now, the most difficult question of all.He was asking if his parents had loved him.“I don’t know, Black Bolt. I cannot know. But one person is qualified to guess, and that is you. You can change your answer too. As often as you need. Sometimes, that’s how it really is. I can only tell you—you’re allowed to keep loving someone who hurt you. But you also must love yourself enough to say they did hurt you, and to move away if there is even a chance they might do it again—or even if there isn’t a chance, but you still want to. You must love yourself too. I know it’s hard. You have a lifetime.”She wrapped the boy in a hug,“And you have love now.”

#fic #writing #esteicy-blog

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lillotte17 · 5 years

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*Flings Clusterfuck fill that no one asked for into the Void*

Uthvir is @feynites

It has been more than five years since Mana’Din plucked Aili and her wounded heart from the jaws of death and brought them to the Hidden Estate.

It is not a very long time in the grand scheme of things, but it is long enough that their situation seems to have settled into something of a rhythm. Vhenan is slowly regaining their equilibrium, although their condition still seems to fluctuate day by day. The other Uthvir and Thenvunin stop by and say hello when they are not busy with their own duties in Daran. Uthvir more often than Thenvunin, naturally. They are not quite friends, not lovers, and not family, but it is…something. Connection. Aili has them, and her heart, and her work, and it is more than she ever thought she would have after the Veil went up and the Empire fell.

More than she could ever deserve.

The Lavellan who has grown up as Uthvir’s daughter wants to explore the other worlds through the Eluvian as Aili does. As the other version of Lavellan that rules this territory does. She is of age, and she has permission from her superiors, but her parents are still not happy about it. She has offered to keep an eye on her, but she doubts it is much consolation. The trust between them all is still thin and brittle.

Vhenan’s condition unnerves them, and her familiarity with Uthvir and their secrets makes her a potential threat. It is understandable, even if it hurts. And it hurts more than even she expected.

Despite their improvement, Vhenan still gets anxious if she is away from them for more than a few days, so Aili’s scouting ventures have been somewhat limited thus far. She is usually sent to worlds that have already been stabilized, as opposed to exploring new ones. Her duties primarily involve checking on the progress made by other agents, and bringing reports back to Mana’Din for review. It is hardly less fascinating despite being a glorified mail carrier.

But there have been occasions where she has been the first to set foot in a new world, and she has made some discoveries of her own. She has met a few people with some achingly familiar faces, and one or two who she had not known by sight, but had heard of through others. Desire and Glory. Uthvir and Thenvunin. Her old friends from the Lower City districts. Her parents. She has even seen a few different versions of herself, although she tends to keep her distance.

Perhaps that is why it takes her a moment to recognize the injured woman in the temple.

The eluvian that connects this world to Mana’Din’s is out in an old abandoned shrine deep in Mythal’s territory. It had not started there, of course, but the mirror’s original location was a bit too conspicuous for agents to be passing through at regular intervals. It had taken quite a bit of effort to move it, but Mana’Din had wanted a reliable escape route for anyone who might need to flee from the Empire. The Evanruis have already risen to power here, and events seem to be following the typical path to war and ruin. It has not been determined if an intervention should be made yet, though. Or how to go about it.

None of the scouts have visited this particular world for nearly a year, and Aili had volunteered to do a check-in to see how things were progressing on the political front. It’s a fairly easy job, and one that she has handled several other places before. Usually, it only takes a day or so to overhear enough information for a report.

Needless to say, Aili had not expected to step out of the eluvian and find a woman slumped over on the floor in the next room. And she certainly had not expected the woman to be an alternate version of herself.

Clearly, the feeling of surprise is a mutual one.

“Who…are you?” the other Aili rasps at her. Her breathing is labored, and she is caked in dirt and blood, curled tightly around some sort of bundle, or perhaps a pack. “You can’t…be in here. No one can be here. Vhenan… Uthivr set the wards. We’re the only ones who can get in.”

“I came through the eluvian,” Aili tells her, “So, technically, I was already inside. Are you hurt?”

She takes a step closer, hand reaching out with the intention of healing.

“Keep back!” her other self snaps, sending a weak spurt of flame in her direction as a warning, “You can’t have used the eluvian; it isn’t connected to the network anymore. We checked. And stop using my likeness, it’s creepy.”

She lets out a series of wracking coughs, and blood dribbles down her chin. Not a promising sign. Nor are the bronze markings on her face. Falon’Din’s vallaslin.

“I can change my features if you like, but this is the face I was born with, just as you were,” Aili says softly, “My father’s name was Adhamh, and my mother was Ina’then, and I grew up in a little settlement deep in the wilds of Ghilan’nain’s territory. The first shape I learned to take was a fox, and I used to use it to sneak out in the evenings and sit in the halla paddock and watch them graze. I came from another world, which I’m sure you don’t believe, but if you don’t let me heal you, you’re liable to bleed out onto the floor.”

“It’s no use,” the other Aili grimaces, “The hunters used poisoned weapons. They're the only ones allowed to carry the antidote, so their prey has to come to them willingly if they want to live. If you are who you say, then you can’t help me, and if you are a spy, then I would rather die than be captured. I won’t be his pawn or his plaything.”

“You said Uthvir set the wards here; what happened to them?” Aili asks, feeling a deep chill settle in her gut. Dreading the answer. “Maybe the two of us could kill one of the hunters. Bring the antidote back…”

“Taken,” her counterpart says with tears welling in her eyes, sounding beaten down by it, “Either that or dead, but I do not think so. Falon’Din wanted them alive. They stayed behind so we could… I could escape.”

“They saved you from serving Falon’Din?” Aili wonders, "Is that how you got out here?"

“Only…by chance,” her other self replies haltingly, “There was a… ‘celebration’ when Ghilan’nain presented me to Falon’Din. An appeasement…to make him stop harassing a few of her border towns. Andruil…thought it would be...amusing for Uthvir to be there because…”

“Because of their past relation to Glory,” Aili surmises. The other version of herself nods weakly. “Am I right in guessing that this party ended with some sort of disaster?”

The other Aili nods again.

“We…ran,” she says, sounding tired now, “It all happened so fast. Accusations and fighting…magic and blood. Uthvir was discovered and I…saw my only chance for escape. And we just kept running. Kept moving and hiding. For more than two years, until…we had to stop.”

“Why would you have to stop?” Aili wonders.

Her other self seems to rouse herself a bit at that, tightening her grip on the bundle in her arms again.

“Are you…really another version of me?” she asks with a slight edge of panic, “How can I trust you?"

“I am,” Aili says firmly, “I would swear it, if you asked me. I will promise anything you need me to in order to feel safe. Let me help you, the elvuian to my world is just in the next room, and we have Healers who have expertise in treating all sorts of wounds. Even poison. I can carry you if you don’t think you can walk. Please, let me try to save you. And then, once you are well again, we can come back and rescue Uthvir. Together.”

“You would…rescue Vhenan?” she blinks at her in disbelief. “But you’ve never even met them.”

“I have an Uthvir of my own, whom I love dearly,” Aili tells her, “And even if I did not, I would hardly abandon anyone to Falon’Din. I can meet them when you introduce us.”

“I would…like to see them again,” she sighs.

"And you will," Aili smiles at her.

The other woman shakes her head tiredly.

"It is too late for me," she says, her voice thick with regret, "And besides, you'd never be able to carry both of us safely through whatever crossroads you took to reach this place."

"Both of you?" Aili blinks in confusion.

The other Aili nods, shifting the bundle in her arms to reveal a small round face surrounded by blonde curls, swaddled in furs and fabric. A baby, likely no more then three or for months old. Sound asleep despite all the panic and commotion this day must have brought.

"Is that…"Aili beings to ask before her voice seems to fail her, overcome with awe and something that starts the prickle of tears behind her eyes.

"Mealla," her other self breathes out, expression softening at the look on her face, "My daughter. I put a sleeping spell on her when the hunters attacked, but it will wear off soon. I don't want… She shouldn't see…what happens to me."

"But you have to survive now!" Aili insists, "Your baby needs you! If we're quick and careful, I'm sure I can get you both back to my world."

"The journey to your home…is it safe?" they dying woman asks.

Aili thinks of the long slick paths woven from spellwork. The vast hungry darkness between this world and her own. It is not overwhelmingly perilous, especially not for those who have walked its paths several times over, but it is not completely free of hazards either.

Her other self seems to read the answer in her silence. She heaves a deep sigh which turns into a harsh sounding cough. Aili reaches out to lightly touch her arm in consolation.

"You can't gamble my daughter's life for the slim chance of saving mine," her alternate self informs her in a tone that implies that she is not going to hear any more arguments about it. She shifts her arms slightly in order to take hold of Aili's hand, gripping it fiercely with what little strength she must have left. "You told me that you would make whatever promise I asked," she reminds her, "Tell me that you will take my daughter far from here. Someplace sheltered and secure; beyond the reach Falon'Din's gaze. Raise her as if she were your own. Teach her our mother's songs and our father's kindness. Love her…as much as you can. With everything you can. Swear it to me, and you will have my trust."

Aili lets out a deep breath of her own, slightly exasperated with her own stubbornness, even though she knows in her heart of hearts that if their roles were reversed, she would make the same choice.

"I swear to do all that you have asked and more," she vows solemnly, "Mealla will be loved and valued and cherished as long as I draw breath." There is a brief flash of light as the bond seals between them and they share a weak smile, and a silent moment of understanding. "But…what can I tell her when she starts asking questions?" Aili wonders, "I don't want to lie to her."

"Tell her…that her parents loved her very much," the other Aili answers hoarsely, "And we did everything we could to protect her."

Aili nods once as she extends her arms out towards her counterpart, barely daring to take a breath as she passes her daughter to her with trembling hands. Tears start sliding down her cheeks as she looks down at the little face tucked safely in the blankets. A glance at the other version of herself confirms that her eyes are far from dry as well.

"I wish…there was more I could do for you," she confesses, "I wish I could have gotten to you sooner."

"You are saving my daughter," the other Aili says, managing a weak smile, "That is more than enough. Although…"

"I will come back for Uthvir," Aili promises, guessing her counterpart's intent, "As soon as Mealla is secure. I won't leave them behind to suffer at Falon'Din's hands."

"Thank you," the other Aili sighs, her eyes sliding shut. "And…if the spell doesn't wear off… If Mealla does not wake… Will you stay with me?"

Aili shifts the babe in her arms so that she can take the dying woman's hand in her own once again.

"I will stay until you are sleeping."

Her counterpart cannot seem to manage any more words, but she squeezes her fingers in gratitude. They sit together quietly for a few minutes, until Aili beings to hum softly. An old lullaby that her mother used to sing to her when she was very little. She wonders if Ina'then sang the same song to this version of herself. She thinks she must have, if the way she finally seems to relax is any indication, but perhaps it is simply that she does not have the strength to be tense any longer.

A few moments later, and her breathing stops. Chest still. Hand gone slack within Aili's grasp.

She looks down at the face that bears such a striking resemblance to her own. Grieving, but a strange, silent sort of grief that comes when looking at your own death. It is not something most of the immortal elves of Elvhenan have pondered over-much. The magic of this time is capable of healing almost any injury, and so long as one keeps clear of the Evanuris and their penchant for sacrifices, there is hardly a need to suspect that death may come at any moment. Torment and punishment, perhaps, but not death. Not a true ending.

But Aili has lived among mortals for hundreds of years while her own world was sundered by Fen'Harel's Veil. She has seen the mask of death fall over countless faces. Young and old. Strong and feeble. Wicked and benevolent. There have even been a fair few scrapes where she had thought that death had finally come for her.

And now it has, in a way.

She folds her counterpart's hand over her chest gently before reaching up to touch her face, frowning at the lines of ownership still branded there.

She settles Mealla gently on the floor beside her for a moment, needing both hands for the spell she has in mind. She could not heal the other Aili's wounds, or stop the poison racing towards her heart, but she can give her this. A few whispered words and a gentle wave of light, and the brands are gone. The skin of her face as smooth and bare as that of her infant child.

"Ar lasa mala revas," Aili says softly, gathering Mealla back into her arms and rising to her feet, "You are free at last, sister."

Mealla does not being to stir from her magically induced slumber until Aili nearly has her almost all the way through the paths beyond the eluvian and back to the Hidden Estate, which is a relief in more than one quarter.

The more Aili considers the ramifications of what just happened and what she promised to do, the more she begins to panic internally. She does not have permission to be a parent from Mana'Din. She does not even have a petition for a child waiting around in some clerk's office waiting to be signed. Her standing with the Evanuris is…complicated. She does not think she is evil or corrupt, in the same way that the rest of her family has become, but power does strange things to people, and Aili has done little to hide her disdain for her title. There is no reason to think that she would be permitted to keep Mealla as her child.

Especially not when there are so many others in the territory who would gladly volunteer to become parents. Perhaps Mana'Din might even ask Thenvunin and Uthvir to take on the responsibility. They are just as related to Mealla as Aili can claim to be, and they have already proven that they are capable of raising a child. Aili can see the logic of it, and she can concede that it would not be the worst possible outcome, as Uthvir, at least, would almost certainly let her visit as often as she wanted, but…

Mealla is her daughter.

A child born from the love she shares with Uthvir. She cannot think that there was any other way she might have been created, even if it was not precisely intentional. It is an old dream that Aili had given up on long ago. To build a family with them and slowly watch some of their sharper edges turn soft. Deep fears that had been struck when they were new, eased into quiet murmurings by years of kindness and uncomplicated paternal devotion. After all they have suffered and sacrificed, it seems only fair that the universe should give them something back.

But perhaps merely finding her Heart again in the ruins of Andruil's palace and escaping the death of their world to reach this place is all the compensation they are slated to receive. It is certainly nothing to scoff at. And Vhenan… She knows that they would never harm a child when they were in their right mind, but there are days when they are not. When the darkness creeps into the space between their memories and they cannot quiet tell if Aili is their Heart or their Lady, and they are prone to panic. Lashing out, occasionally with violence. The few times Aili had not been there when such a mood had struck them…it had not ended well.

She can see why someone might be reluctant to put them in charge of any sort of infant care.

Mealla chooses this moment in the scheme of Aili's worrying to begin wriggling a bit in her arms, and it is not long before her new daughter is scrutinizing her with wide curious eyes. A darker violet than her mother's, with a few stray flecks of blue. Aili holds her breath, waiting for a verdict, wondering if the child in her arms can tell that she is being carrying by a stranger.

For her own part, Mealla seems content enough to simply stare at her thoughtfully, unperturbed by the anxiety in her aura. She only begins to make sounds of grumbling dissent when she takes notice of the vast emptiness surrounding them, shifting around in her blankets until she has a free hand to clutch at Aili's cloak and burrowing her face into her chest, seeking comfort. Aili's heart makes a great stuttering leap, as though it might be about to escape her body, and any lingering shred of doubt about whether or not she should fight for the right to keep her baby promptly vanishes from here mind.

She adjusts the furs and blankets around Mealla, as well as her own cloak, doing as much as she can to hide her from view, and hurries down the rest of the path towards Mana'Din's eluvian.

Luck seems to be on her side as she enters the large room that holds the giant mirror, it is largely dark and there are only one or two sentries on duty. She had left at midday, but time can pass strangely in the space between, and in other worlds as well. It is clearly the middle of the night. No one was expecting her back this early, so no one will be looking for her yet, but the guards will not necessarily find it suspicious that she has come home so soon. There has been more than one occasion where missions had to be rescheduled or reassigned due to Vhenan's condition.

Aili smiles at one of the guards in passing, but makes no other conversation, walking quickly and doing her best not to jostle the babe nestled beneath her cloak. Mealla makes a few small grumbles of protest, but they are already out the door and speedily making their way towards their private chambers. There are a few other small patrols milling about, but most of the Hidden Estate is quiet and still. Aili's heartbeat is thundering in her ears, but she tries not to focus on what might go wrong.

She does not want to upset Vhenan before they even have a chance to meet their daughter.

They are waiting for her just inside their rooms, ready to reset the wards on the doorway just after she slides inside and locks it behind herself. They still looking dark and somewhat sickly, but much more aware of their surroundings than they had been when they first came to the Hidden Estate. Their gaze is expectant, if a little muddled, and they seem to have a pack and weapons at the ready, in case the two of them need to flee. It's not all that surprising, really, the feelings she must have been transmitting to them through their bond must have been a bit of a jumbled mess. Surprise and sorrow, anger and worry, wonderment and fear. The two of them have contingency plans for how to handle things if living here no longer seemed like an advantage, and she can't fault them for suspecting that something big had happened. Something that would change their lives forever.

Aili swallows thickly, unsure of where to begin her explanation. Vhenan reaches out to her, brushing fingers over her cheek uncertainly as they let out a long breath. Seeing her standing before them in one piece seems to ease some of their tension, at least.

"You are unhurt?" they check.

"I'm fine," she assures them, "I just…met someone, and unforeseen circumstances demanded that I return early."

Uthvir raises an eyebrow at her, tilting their head slightly, waiting for her to elaborate.

"Maybe we should…sit down," Aili suggests.

"Your cloak is moving," Vhenan points out, seeming more curious than startled. Which is good.

"Yes… I brought someone back with me," Aili begins slowly, trying not to sound as nervous as she feels. But there is a tingling excitement to her, too. And a few dangerous prickles of hope. "Someone who will need us to look after them. To keep them safe and protected."

"Another halla?" Uthvir guesses, blinking at her again. Shadows rippling around them briefly in doubt. Aili would not need to bring a foal here unless it was very sick or very very young. They seem to have pieced together that their speculation does not quite fit, but they cannot puzzle out why that might be. Tangled thoughts of Lady Andruil's wife and her cold furies. Knives and hard tables and long calculating stares.

Uthvir trembles, just slightly, and Aili shifts the precious bundle in her arms so that she can reach for them. Calling them back to her with a single soft touch. They take in a sharp breath through their nose and close their eyes for a moment, grounding themselves again before looking back at her and offering an affirming nod, reassurance plucking softly at their bond. Aili beams at them.

"Vhenan, look who I've brought to meet you," she says, pulling her cloak back slowly to reveal the tiny face of the baby still half asleep in her embrace.

Mealla blinks her eyes up at them curiously, burbling a bit. Uthvir stares back in surprised silence. Aili holds her breath, trying to anticipate all the ways this could go badly and how to best deal with it if they do.

"We…made a baby?" Uthvir wonders, their brow furrowing. They extend a hand towards the child in Aili's arms, nails going round with hardly a thought, before they pause and draw it back again. Their wings fluttering slightly in mild distress. "I…do not remember."

"It's alright, Vhenan," Aili hastens to reassure them, "We didn't really procure her in the usual fashion. You haven't forgotten anything, this is the first time the two of you have met."

"But she is ours," Uthvir says with more confidence than she had been expecting.

Aili grins at them, unanticipated joy seeping out into her aura.

"She most certainly is."

For almost an hour, there is nothing but tranquil delights. Aili sits on the couch with her Heart and shows them the proper way to hold the baby. They are a little nervous for a few seconds, but then something in them seems to settle. Mealla's feelings are simple and her fears are relatively small. And for the moment, she seems content enough to be snuggled and fussed over and adored. Her new parents revel in the marvel of her existence. Happiness suffusing the air around them in a way that neither of them really thought they'd find again. Too many hurts and jagged edges. But their daughter is soft, and it is so easy to categorize their love for her. Shining light into corners of their hearts that have been dark and aching for so long.

A new beginning.

And then Mealla begins to cry. And a great many things seem to go wrong all at once.

Vhenan starts to panic, and the room is doused in shadows. Their daughter makes a startled yelp, and then begins to sob even harder, fear and confusion poured on top of general fussing. Aili finds herself caught up in the tidal wave of her littler family's distress, and suddenly realizes that they have nothing to feed a baby in their rooms. No clothes to change her into. No toys or books or other entertainment meant for growing little minds. Not even a crib for her to sleep in.

A lump rises in her throat as her own fears start to seep out into her aura. If she requisitions something, people will get suspicious. They will ask questions. They will tell Mana'Din, and she will take Mealla away and place her in more capable hands. Favored hands.

Andruil is coming. She will come an take the baby. She will hurt her in order to hurt Uthvir. Again and again and again. Until nothing is left except for places that hurt.

Aili feels the thoughts more than she hears them, and her mind is brought back to the most current and pressing crisis at hand. She makes a dozen tiny motes of light, and sends them buzzing around the room like fireflies. Mealla's eyes track the little specks of magic with interest, her unhappy wails tapering off into a soft discontented warbling, and then slowly transforming into wet-sounding hiccups.

Some of the shadows recede as the baby calms down a bit, the tension in Vhenan's aura lessening ever so slightly at the thought that she is most likely unhurt. At least for now. They still look somewhat wild about the eyes, though. Ready to bolt at the slightest hint of danger.

Aili hums to them, soft and low, stepping closer and linking her arm through theirs, pulling them up onto their feet and gently ushering them into their bedroom. She helps settle them on the bed, with Mealla still safely bundled up in their arms as they sit in a nest of blankets and pillows, and goes to set the wards over the room. They are safe in here. Even someone as powerful as Mana'Din would need a little time to get through all of their defenses.

Vhenan seems to realize this, too. Shoulders relaxing a bit more as they look at her and then back at the child in their lap. They still seem unhappy, though, and Aili does not have much in the way of comfort to offer at the moment.

"Vhenan, I…I need to ask you to do something very important," she begins. She does not want to scare them, but it is hard when she feels so afraid of it herself.

"We need to hide the baby," they tell her matter-of-factly, "Lady Andruil will come for her. We should leave now, before she arrives."

"The Andruil of our world is long dead, my love," she reminds them gently, sitting down beside them and brushing a few locks of hair back from their face, "But…we did not ask Mana'Din's permission to obtain a child. If she finds out…Mealla might be given to other parents. I doubt she would be mistreated, but she would no longer be ours. We might need to leave, if you think you can handle it. I would prefer not to, since the Healers here have been so helpful with your recovery, but… I don't know what else we can do."

Uthvir looks genuinely terrified for a moment, before looking down at the baby in their arms and seeming to find the wherewithal to avoid another meltdown. Their wings shiver and their form ripples as the tamp down on it, though. There is something like resignation on the face when they finally turn their gaze back to Aili.

"If you need to leave me behind…I would understand," they tell her dolefully, "You should take the baby, and be safe."

Aili blinks at them for a moment, stunned into temporary silence. But then she simply shakes her head at them, feeling the tears burning behind her eyes as she takes their face between her hands and kisses them soundly. Fierce and devoted.

"Never," she assures them breathlessly, "I would never abandon you, My Heart. You are all I have left of home, and I would rather tear out my own liver than be without you."

"Please, do not do that," Vhenan whispers back quietly, and there is, perhaps, a faint trace of amusement in their tone. Something that sounds a bit more like their old self. Aili snorts fondly.

"I will certainly do my best to avoid it," she promises. "For now, I think the best we can do is try to keep a low profile. No one is expecting me to be back this soon, and we hardly entertain many guests in our chambers anyway. I will sneak out an gather what supplies I can when people are most likely to be asleep, and we can slowly build up a little stockpile of things for Mealla and add them to our own, in the event we need to make a hasty escape. While I am out, though…you would need to watch her. Do you think you can do that? For right now, it just means holding her and soothing her when she fusses, I will bring back food and formula and changing rags if I can get them, and then we can both just…figure out the rest. Together. What do you say?"

Uthvir nods in understanding.

"I will do my best."

"It's not really a good plan for anything long-term," Aili admits, sighing in relief none the less, "But it will do for now. Stay in the bedroom and reset the wards as soon as I leave. Do not let anyone else inside. I will be back as soon as I can."

Uthvir nods again, and she plants a soft kiss on their cheek, brushing her fingers gently through Mealla's curls before getting off the bed and slipping back out into the night.

Things seem to go fairly well for about a week. There are enough small children in the camp at the estate that no one is apt to notice a few extra bottles of formula gone astray. The changing rags and baby clothes had been a bit harder to manage, but there are things like that in a few of the emergency store houses around the estate, just in case they get a large influx of unexpected refugees. Many of the items do not fit Mealla quite right, but it is more than she came here with, and the material is soft and in good condition. They fashion a little hammock for her in a small alcove in their room, possibly intended for a statue or a fountain at one point, and Uthvir even sews her one or two little oddly-shaped toys for her to mouth at.

But then agents begin to notice that Aili has not returned from her mission. An investigation is planned, and inquiries are made. One or two sentries have seen her, but she has filed no reports, and she has not shown up for any of her other duties. The rooms she shares with Uthvir are a bit secluded, but no one has seen either of them coming or going in days. Not to the mess hall, or the camp, or the Healers. When Aili is missing or in danger, Uthvir usually…has problems, but no one has heard form them either.

At first, they only knock on the door. When that does not seem to yield any results after a few days, they begin attempting to break through the wards. But Aili and Uthvir's combined magic reinforcing them, makes it nigh impossible for the midranking overseers at the estate.

Aili almost opens the door when she hears Lavellan's voice on the other side of it a few days later. She has not slept in what seems like ages, and Vhenan is becoming more and more agitated from the stress and the disruption in their scheduled meetings with the Healers.

"Aili?" the other Uthvir's daughter calls, "Are you and Night okay in there?"

She does not answer, although she wants to. Mealla is fine for now, but the little stockpile she has gathered will not last too terribly long, and it is getting harder and harder for her to leave their rooms without being noticed. And she cannot leave at all when Vhenan is in their Deep Sleep, for fear that something might happen to the baby and they would not be able to wake up to care for her.

"…You know, if something happened, you can ask us for help," Lavellan tries.

Aili wavers, just slightly, but then she looks down at Mealla, who has stuffed part of her toy into her mouth and makes a pleased gurgling sound at her, and her resolution solidifies. Lavellan is not cruel, but she is practical, and… Aili can concede that she might not be the best parent. She has never had the chance to raise a child before, she might be terrible at it. But Mealla is her only chance to try, and she loves her so much that the air around her is nearly vibrating with it, and… She can't take that risk.

Lavellan would want to tell Mana'Din, who is her other self, after all, and Mana'Din would take Mealla away.

Lavellan makes a few more cajoling attempts to garner a response, but leaves in silence.

Four more days go by before the Uthvir who works as Mana'Din's spymaster knocks on their door, and Aili is at her wits end. Their food is nearly gone, and Vhenan has been in a Deep Sleep for over a day. She is huddled up on the couch with her child, trying to think of some way to escape.

The sound of Uthvir's voice on the other side of the door, so calm and collected, so much like they used to be when they first met, is enough to bring tears to her eyes. Part of her desperately wants to fling herself into their mercy. But the other part, the part that thinks they might be inclined to take Mealla back to Thenvunin and never let her see her Mamae and Nanae again, is absolutely petrified.

"If something has gone wrong, you should tell me," they tell her bluntly when she does not immediately respond, "If Lady Mana'Din herself has to come down here and pry your wards open, I suspect it will garner much more attention than you would like."

"…I can't," she nearly sobs, "I promised."

"You can hardly keep any sort of promise if you starve yourself to death in your bedroom," Uthvir points out.

"Y-you're right," she sputters, her arms tightening marginally on the child in her arms, "But I…I don't know what else to do. Vhenan needs help, and I can't leave them, but if we stay…"

"…If I told you that I would offer my assistance, would you at least open the door?" they wonder.

"I'm…not certain you can…" Aili trails off uncertainly, "Maybe…if you could get us out? It would be hard, but we might be able to make it out in the woods. Vhenan is better than they used to be and…"

Her voice tapers off, overcome by a sudden swell of sorrow as she thinks of the last set of parents that had tried to take Mealla and run. What might be happening to Mealla's real Nanae even now as she sits here hiding in the dark. She is too exhausted to hold her emotions in check, and finds herself wracked with sobs and breathless, casting a hasty sleep spell over her daughter so that she does not begin to cry as well and give the secret away.

From the depths of her panic, she thinks she hears Uthvir let out a very deep sounding sigh. A few moments pass, and then there is a slight tug on the bond forged by Glory's shard. It doe not feel quite like Vhenan; it is a much weaker connection. A faint echo of sameness with a tiny warm burst of reassurance. But it is enough to steady her breathing again.

"I cannot do anything for you, if you do not let me inside," Uthvir tells her quietly.

Aili pauses for a few more seconds, still afraid, but even more fearful of somehow endangering the life of her child. She makes a gesture with her hand, dispelling the wards over the door from across the room, and huddles into a tight ball on the sofa. She knows she likely looks like a madwoman. Her hair is in disarray and her clothes have various baby-stains on them. She feels greasy and unkempt, and she's certain that there are dark circles under her eyes.

Uthvir approaches her slowly, as though she is some sort of skittish animal likely to make a break for it, and she cannot deny that it is a fair assessment. The look they give her is one of deep concern. She trembles, fear and desperation mingling in her aura as she turns Mealla in her arms so that Uthvir can see her face.

"P-please," she chokes out as the tears start up again, "Please, help me."

#Aili Lavellan #Uthvir #clusterfuck au #the sharp one likes your shine!#what I actually finished something?!#don't ask how long I have been working on this #>_>

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theycallmesera · 2 years

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I GOT JABBED!💉

Alarmed with the title? Don’t be! I only got (and now fully) vaccinated with the COVID-19 vaccine! Hooray! My waiting and anticipation for the vaccine was prolonged, but surely, being completely protected was truly worth the wait.

Waiting for the first dose of the COVID-19 vaccine was a challenge and a bother in this waiting game. Though I ended up getting vaccinated to a nearer hospital (Sta. Ana Hospital) on November 13, it wasn’t the original plan. To be honest, I should’ve been vaccinated much earlier, at the time when the vaccines for 12-18 year olds with comorbidities are being rolled up because I am asthmatic. Coincidentally, there was an active campaign in our barangay for MR-Td (measles, rubella, tetanus and diphtheria) vaccine and to make the long story short, I was vaccinated with MRTd instead of the much awaited COVID-19 vaccine. The aftermath of that event prolonged my vaccine jab because I have to wait for another two weeks interval as advised by the doctor. We were full of sighs for it was a lost opportunity, but then, maybe God had other plans anyway. What was given to me is also an important vaccine. Though I understood why certain measures must be implemented, I wondered what might have happened if I got it earlier. Seeing my mom’s situation and perseverance in her field as a healthcare worker, especially during this pandemic, I never thought twice about getting vaccinated for I saw how important it is to have one. Given that those whom are unvaccinated are the ones when infected with the deadly virus had a lesser chance of survival, and would incur hospitalization expense. Nevertheless, I was thankful, happy and felt accomplished with my 1st dose. It was quite the bite of an ant and I thank God; I did not have any adverse reactions after the jab.

After three weeks, it was followed with the 2nd dose of my vaccine! It sure was exciting and liberating because at last, I can break free! Free from worries that COVID-19 brings and that I can finally go out feeling protected while still following the minimum health protocols. With this vaccine, I am now a free bird able to do mall strolls and eat outdoors with my parents. These are just some of the perks after getting vaccinated, but most importantly, I know I did my part as a citizen and as a person to protect myself and those around me from the dreaded virus. And so, I encourage everyone, young and old to get themselves vaccinated. The assurance of added protection from the vaccine, made me worry less when I’m outside. Plus, many children of my age are now getting vaccinated and enjoying the outside surroundings after more than a year of isolation with their families.

I understand that there are people who are hesitant to get the vaccine relating to the Bible’s end times revelation don’t fret for it is still not the time. The “Microchip” Theory but I say that isn’t true. Many health professionals who got the vaccine testified and vouched for its protection, how it has helped them combat the disease. They may get COVID-19 but chances are, the virus isn’t as dangerous and deadly as compared to those unvaccinated.

No one knows when this pandemic would end. I can only pray for God’s divine intervention and healing to come to those who are sick and to protect everyone from the wrath of COVID-19 virus. Let us all do our share, get vaccinated!

#Let's get vaxxed to normal #💉💉

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aion-rsa · 3 years

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The Flash Season 7: Nora’s Return and What’s Next for the Flash Family

https://ift.tt/36OcfZc

This The Flash article contains spoilers.

The Flash Season 7 Episode 18

The Flash Season 7 ends as it lived, with a mixed-bag finale that is generally entertaining to watch, but that doesn’t make much sense if you look at it too closely. “Heart of the Matter, Part 2” gives us some highly entertaining visuals (the Flash family runs together at last!) and the surprising return of an old enemy (welp, we made it almost two entire seasons without Eobard Thawne!), but, on the whole, this isn’t an hour that feels like a conclusion that’s especially worthy of the story that kicked off last week.

But despite the multiple head-scratchingly bizarre narrative swerves in the second half of this two-parter, a ray of light remains: Nora and Bart Allen. The arrival of Barry and Iris’ kids from the future provides a positive burst of pure delight in an otherwise dour season, and one can only hope they’ll stick around to sprinkle some sunshine on the series’ canvas next year.

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Jordan Fisher’s excitable, emotional Bart Allen is as charming as we might ever have hoped, but it’s Jessica Parker Kennedy’s quiet sparkle that really makes their sibling relationship work. Playing a slightly different version of Nora than the girl we last saw in Season 5, this incarnation of XS feels lighter and freer than we’ve ever seen her – and so much fun to watch.

“[Playing Nora], it feels very much like coming home,” Kennedy tells Den of Geek. “I love her, and I related to her on so many levels. [This is] a different version of her, but it’s also very, very similar.”

This version of Nora is missing much of the anger and resentment that drove her first incarnation, having grown up in a timeline where her relationship with Iris was completely different (and much more healthy) than the one in which she blamed in mother for her father’s absence in her life. Yet her family still remains the driving force behind everything this Nora does, particularly her affection for and feelings of responsibility toward her younger brother.

“She’s definitely more mature. She’s physically older. And she’s responsible for a little brother who’s very much like her OG character [used to be]. And he’s always in the way and doing the wrong thing. So there’s a definitely parenting element that she’s had to take with him. it’s a balance of caring for him, but also tolerating him at the same time.”

Kennedy credits onscreen sibling Jordan Fisher with the pair’s believable sibling bond, calling him “a really special person” and “all the things I would want in an acting partner.”

“The love is very strong [between Nora and Bart],” she says. “They love each other, they’re completely there for each other. I mean, for goodness sakes, they’re superheroes together That’s something that only they can understand, really. And they definitely watch each other’s backs.”

Fisher’s Impulse has lived up to his character’s name throughout this two-parter, rushing into danger whenever the opportunity presents itself. He unwisely tries to rescue John Wesley Shipp’s Jay Garrick from the clutches of the Godspeeds and ends up in a coma for his trouble, an injury that’s only healed thanks to the convenient intervention of the Speed Force herself.

“Bart definitely loves attention, and he wants to be a famous superhero, and he wants to be the best superhero. And in all of those things, he takes a lot bigger risks than I think this version of Nora ever would. So they giggle together a lot. And then two seconds later, she’s yelling at him about something. Which is adorable.”

For those who are curious, Kennedy names Fisher’s Bart as the “mama’s boy” of the family, while admitting Nora is more of a “daddy’s girl.”

“Her dad is literally her hero. She thinks her dad’s the coolest person in the world,” Kennedy says.

Many fans will likely name the scene in which Barry, Iris, Nora, Bart, and Jay suit up together as the episode’s most satisfying, and it does feel like a visual moment that’s been a long time coming. (Thanks to a dose of extra speed from Speed Force Nora even Iris gets to be part of the speedster action.)

“It’s just the coolest thing ever,” Kennedy laughs when asked about the Flash family running together for the first time. “It’s really nice to see the four of them so close.”

The Flash’s 150th Episode Proves the Show’s Future is in Good Hands

By Lacy Baugher

The Flash: Diggle’s Central City Visit is a Season 7 Highlight

By Lacy Baugher

The sequence in which the extended Flash family takes on a group of Godspeeds feels like it could have been lifted straight from the pages of a comic book, but for Kennedy, it’s the emotional aspect of their family team-up that hit home.

“I was raised without any brothers or sisters, and I was raised by a single parent,” she says. “So there’s a lot of make-believe that I really enjoy when I’m there having a mom and a dad and a brother.

“I think there’s something healthy – to fantasize about what it might be like to have this idealistic family,” Kennedy continues. “That’s sort of a very personal answer for me. [But] there’s just a fun fantasy about it.”

“Heart of the Matter Part 2” ends with Barry and Iris holding an impromptu vow renewal ceremony in the living room of the West home. Bart and Nora are both in attendance and neither mentions heading back to 2049 anytime soon, indicating that they might still have some unfinished business to deal with in our present day. (Heck, we haven’t even seen Bart meet Joe yet!)

Could we see the extended West-Allen family take on some more bad guys in Season 8 together? At the moment, Kennedy is as in the dark about her character’s The Flash future as we are, though it sounds as though she thinks a return is possible.

“I feel like if it was supposed to – if they went home and were never seen again, there would have been a scene that said, okay, ‘Bye, guys! Bye forever!’ You know?” Kennedy says. “The beautiful thing about being a part of something [like this show] is that there’s always a possibility for all of these things.”

But if Kennedy had her way, she would absolutely like to see more of Nora on The Flash.

“If I could call the showrunners and wish it I would be like, please bring us back. That would be the coolest thing ever. And people seem to really like watching the two of us on screen together. So I would hope that they would bring us back a little bit more trouble.”

As for what kind of trouble, precisely, Kennedy has a wishlist of things she’d like to see Nora get the chance to do on The Flash someday.

“I always thought it’d be really cool for Nora and Killer Frost to have some cool episode – because I think Killer Frost is someone that would intimidate Nora a little bit but that she would also think she’s like the coolest ever and would love to work with her.

I just want to fight crime with some other people other than my mom and dad.”

The post The Flash Season 7: Nora’s Return and What’s Next for the Flash Family appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3kARatD

#aion-rsa #Den of Geek

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supervium · 6 years

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“I was Never Afraid” wb

Meakapike commented on AO3, “I was Never Afraid” :

“Oh! I would love some answers! How did they meet? When did Jongin realize that Kyungsoo was so precious to him? Are they dating? or is Jongin still wooing Kyungsoo and trying to make him see that he is perfect as he is? Does Kyungsoo look that way because of his magic? Why does Kyungsoo fear his power? I am sure I have more but it is late and my brain is pretty much 100% drained!”

- How did they meet?

Jongin was chased out of a town after he was caught stealing and one of the guards shot an arrow in his shoulder. [It’s a medieval au where all world aspects of the medieval era are taken into principle; so this is a very bad wound, it’s bleeding and infection is extremely common, especially for Jongin, because he lives on the streets and isn’t particularly clean.] He manages to flee and hide in a rundown, abandoned barn. [The one Kyungsoo is currently occupying though neither of them notice because Kyungsoo was deep in meditation and Jongin is bleeding out.] Jongin ends up collapsing against the wall and starts drifting in and out of consciousness until he finally passes out. Kyungsoo senses Jongin a bit later [He can feel the life force of beings in close proximity to him] and goes down to investigate. [Kyungsoo is wearing his cloak that is mentioned in the actual ficlet, but his hair is much longer, so the white flows out of the hood.] He prods Jongin gently and suddenly the latter wakes up. Seeing Kyungsoo in the faint orange of the sunset with his white hair and cloak, Jongin smiles despite his weakness and exclaims softly something along the lines of, “After all I’ve done I still get an angel? The gods must be kinder than I imagined.” And then also requested for Kyungsoo to look after him on his journey. [He meant journey to the afterlife, but Kyungsoo, being stunned that someone would look upon him as an angel instead of a demon, as per usual, took it more literally and healed him.]

- When did Jongin realize that Kyungsoo was so precious to him?

After Kyungsoo healed Jongin, he hid the shadows until Nini woke up, just to be sure his magic worked. Afterward, when Jongin was strong enough to leave, Kyungsoo followed at a distance, never actually letting Jongin see him. [He didn’t want to frighten him, as posed where the title “I was Never Afraid” comes from. Jongin thought he was sent a miracle, not believing that Kyungsoo was an actual person but believing that it was a divine intervention meant to set him back on the correct path to life. He basically became Robin Hood after.] Jongin, every chance he got, would return to the rundown barn and set out gifts for his guardian angel [unknown that Soo followed him wherever he goes, protecting him and making things easier wherever he can.] but the ones he leaves previous are always still there. [Kyungsoo doesn’t understand that they’re meant for him, he just goes along with it.] One night, after a long journey, Jongin falls asleep in the barn after leaving out his gifts and Kyungsoo has been worrying the entire day. Jongin has been moving a lot, traveling distances, and he hasn’t eaten, but the food he had is now lain on the floor as an offering. Kyungsoo doesn’t understand why the man doesn’t just eat this, since he’s obviously hungry. [They stay around the barn for a few days, Jongin is waiting for the nearby towns to stop searching for him, and Kyungsoo gets increasingly frustrated.] One night, Kyungsoo contemplates just going over and shoving the food down Jongin’s throat [he’s got a bit of a temper, and he’s supposed to be protecting him, but what happens if Jongin just dies because of his own will? Nope, Kyungsoo doesn’t like that] but instead waits for Jongin to fall asleep and then tries to transfer energy to him. Jongin wakes up in the middle of the process and startles, Kyungsoo realizing he can’t go and hide anymore, quietly deadpans, “Why are you not eating this?” And Jonginnie just stares, star-struck, for a few moments before mumbling out how it’s supposed to be for Soo. [Que the most exasperated sigh from the mage] “I’ve been averting danger from you for months now and you’re just going to let yourself die from starvation? Eat this.” [It takes quite a while for them to actually become friends, but this is the moment Jongin actually fell in love with Soo. Knowing he’s real and has been protecting him, that Soo saved him from death.]

- Are they dating? or is Jongin still wooing Kyungsoo and trying to make him see that he is perfect as he is?

They’re dancing around each other. Jongin is hopelessly in love and Kyungsoo is too, but Kyungsoo has been shunned his whole life for being what he is and has a lot of trouble processing his feelings, much less doing something about them. Kyungsoo is still on his hellbent quest to protect Jongin at all costs and Jongin now wants to protect Soo and also heal him inside.

- Does Kyungsoo look that way because of his magic?

In short, yes. His eyes have been pitch black since his birth but he did have regular black hair at some point. The constant burden of his magic is what turned his hair white; boy’s got a lot of stress.

- Why does Kyungsoo fear his power?

His fear started mostly from the things he’s heard and what people have told him, but then when he realized what he could actually do, it made his fears more concrete. He was abandoned right after he was born, left out in the wilderness because his parents saw “evil” in his eyes, but the magic in his body kept him alive. He’s basically… an energy current. He can transfer, take, and give energy to/from objects and people. When he was a baby, his body and magic protected itself before his mind was able to understand what was happening. For a child to survive with absolutely no help, no food, exposure to the elements, and various wild animals, it requires a very large amount of energy. Up until the point that he started to walk by himself. So years, and even after that, because a tot isn’t fully capable of care for themselves anyway. But we’ll just say the energy that Kyungsoo’s body syphoned caused devastation. First, the vegetation and insects started to wilt and die, then the smaller animals—rodents, birds, reptiles—then the larger prey animals, then the trees, then the predators… until it made it to Kyungsoo’s birth village miles away. Elderly, children, pets, gardens, livestock… Kyungsoo was a curse that the town was now suffering for. News spread, a black-eyed child with the ability to wipe out an entire population of people by just existing. One, that when frightened and also with an inability to fully control his magic at the time, would kill. Knights, guards, so be it. Draining energy from the people so quickly they collapsed into dust or charging them so full they burst, Kyungsoo didn’t have a happy time growing up. He’s mostly in control now, but he’s got so much power… when he’s afraid or mad or upset, it’s harder to contain.

I hope this cleared some things up ! I love, love, love world building so much c: If you have any more questions (or if anyone wants me to elaborate on any of my finished fics) let me know ! (Also sorry it took so long)

#c:#I was Never Afraid #fanfiction #world building #drabble #kaisoo #kadi #Kyungsoo #Jongin #exo #exo fanfiction #otp #long post

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suchawonderfullife · 7 years

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3. Why Hansa?

I believe in divine intervention, karma, the universe giving you what you need at the right time etc. So I’d done over a year on antibiotic (abx) therapy, and seen maybe a 5% improvement (and by that I mean, I went from being unable to sit up for longer than 10 minutes at a time, to maybe on a REALLY good day I could sit up for just 20 minutes and not end up with seriously exacerbated symptoms). Abx is your mainstream treatment for Lyme. But let me make this clear, if you’re past stage one (longer than 6 months), your chances of this method of treatment actually working long-term and eradicating the Lyme are slim to none. No medical journal or LLMD (lyme literate medical doctor) or the CDC or any other organisation will admit this though. For patients who have felt better on this treatment, they often relapse once they stop or their symptoms return. So they haven’t fixed the problem and taking abx long-term is very damaging to the body.

At the time we didn’t know any better and my Dr. as brilliant as he is, is not a lyme literate doctor, so he was learning too. There was a Dr in my city who was treating Lyme with IV antibiotics and I could have potentially got a PICC line put in. I told my Dr I would go and see him instead. He begged me not to go. He said “you are so so ill and complex, he will not understand this and it will make you worse, please don’t see him.” I’m so glad I listened to his advice. When I did oral abx with my CFS Dr, he was shocked that I couldn’t even cope with minute doses compounded especially for me. If the lowest dose of something like Doxycycline is 200mg, I would have it compounded to 25mg and I would take 1/2-1 tablet (depending in if I could cut it) every 3-4 days. When you start abx for lyme you are looking at 400mg once a day as a MINIMUM and then you steadily increase to 1000+mg per day. You then add in other abx so you’re taking a cocktail.

You then get what’s called a herxheimer reaction. We call it herxing. This is where the bacteria that are dying, release toxins into the bloodstream at a rate too high for the body to cope and try to flush them out. So we experience exacerbated symptoms, feeling FAR FAR worse (I cannot stress enough how beyond torturous herxing is when you are already so sick). Herxing can also cause death if the die off is too great, so it is dangerous. My herxing was a living hell. Where the lyme is in your body is where you will feel it most. I have so much Lyme in my brain that I was more often than not severely depressed and suicidal, I had no control over my thoughts and my reality was often distorted. I had severe Lyme rage (it’s a real thing) and if I was a physically violent person, there would have been many holes in the walls, smashed furniture, broken mirrors, smashed phones and I probably would have hurt myself in the process. Rage at that level is all consuming and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. The soles of my feet burned so bad I couldn’t walk on them, my bones felt like they were constantly being drilled into or sawn off, I developed tremors like I had parkinson’s, vocal ticks where I would make random uncontrollable noises, I constantly felt like I was suffocating and unable to breathe, my nausea never went away, pounding headaches for days, night terrors so real I was terrified to try and fall asleep, but insomnia helped with that, night sweats where I would wake up soaked in sweat and freezing cold, my body feeling so hot like I’m living in an oven, whilst my feet are purple and stone cold and so much more. Remember I put up with this for over a year so far (2 years total). But I pushed through it, because I’ll do anything to get better.

However it wasn’t working. At the rate I was able to cope with increasing my dose (because my herxing was so severe), it was going to take me 10 years to reach even a “normal” dose of abx and I wasn’t getting better. That’s when fate stepped in. My mum’s work colleague’s husband, worked with a man who treated himself for Lyme Disease and was now an Osteopath. Someone who CURED themselves of Lyme, holy shit!!!! I had to talk to this guy. He ended up calling me one night free of charge to give me advice. I remember being so ill I wasn’t well enough to hold the phone, comprehend what he was saying and physically speak, but I had to push myself because I wouldn’t get this opportunity again. He gave me the most incredible advice that made so much sense, I don’t remember all of it, but it was like a lightbulb moment and he had given me hope. His approach was different to anything I’d come across (because I’d done everything mainstream from the medical world).

He’s an osteo, a holistic doctor, so their approach to healing the body is not to just pop man-made pills to “fix” the problem. It’s about healing the body so that the body can fight for itself. It’s not about the diagnosis either, it’s about working out what went wrong in the first place to allow the disease to thrive and working to fix that. The disease is the symptom, not the cause. The advice I remember over the phone was: to never use a microwave ever again. A microwave changes the molecules in food so your body no longer recognises it as food. I now heat everything up on the stove. To turn my WIFI off at night. EMF’s (electromagnetic fields) feed Lyme bacteria, it aggravates them and Dr. Dietrich Klinghardt (a highly regarded Lyme Dr in Germany) has studies to prove this. I sleep far better with the WIFI turned off and mine and my partner’s phone MUST be on airplane mode before we sleep, or they’re not allowed to stay in the room. If your mobile is in your room when you sleep and not switched off or on airplane mode, it must be at least 5metres from your bed. I don’t have an alarm clock next to my bed anymore as that’s more unnecessary EMF’s. My parents even sleep better with the WIFI off, if they accidentally leave it one, they have a terrible night’s sleep and they’re not even sick. I also have orgonites, salt lamps and selenite towers around my house to help absorb EMF’s. He also said I must drink bone broth every day to repair my gut. 90% of your immune system lies in your gut. I already knew I had IBS, leaky gut syndrome, gut dysbiosis, multiple food intolerances and more, so repairing that damage made sense.

I started seeing him for a treatment called bioresonance. I’m not good at explaining this treatment. But basically everything has a frequency and say a healthy human has a frequency of 103. When your body is in dis-ease, it will have a frequency far lower. Bioresonance resets your frequency to what it should be. As the Lyme has written itself in my DNA, it’s in all my cells and has programmed itself into my bodies way of functioning, it would be in my bodies frequency. I know this sounds like airy-fairy crap but honestly if you disagree I couldn’t care less. It’s the ONLY treatment that I dramatically improved with and I have at least a dozen friends who have had the same experience.

You lie on a bed and get hooked up to this machine and you just lie there for 45-60 minutes. My new Dr commented on how sick I was. He would massage my organs whilst I was hooked up to the machine and he would say my stomach was like cement. My organs were struggling to badly, the massaging would leave me in tears from the pain. Bioresonance would also make me incredibly ill afterwards. It’s what I imagined chemo to be like. I would go home so toxic, nauseaous, my head pounding and beyond exhausted. But these were a different kind of symptoms to what I had experienced with Lyme, I can’t even describe it properly, I just felt so so ill. I would go to bed and sleep for 3 hours, wake up still feeling like death, eat very simple foods, take zofran wafers and panadeine forte and just be a vegetable on the couch. It would take me days to over a week to recover from this treatment. But every time my body finally recovered, I was actually better than before. It was working. After my 3rd session I drove for the first time in 2 years. I didn’t have the cognitive ability, energy or strength to do this previously. I drove 5 minutes down the road and WALKED around our local shopping centre on my own for an entire hour. I wasn’t even able to walk from the car to the door previously, if I ever went down the shops it was in a wheelchair and even sitting up for that long was incredibly difficult. 2 months into this treatment and I was able to drive myself 20 minutes to a friends house, spend time with them for a few hours and drive home. My health continued to improve with every session and eventually the treatment didn’t make me that sick anymore.

He also weaned me off my abx as they were proving of no benefit to my body. I found out about essential oils. Did my own research and started using them. Shortly after signing up to a company, my Dr. told me he had heard good things about oils too and joined the same company. I can’t say much about essential oils as legally they have this red tape where they cannot promote any sort of healing. This is why mainstream medicine LOOKS like the best option, because holistic and natural options are not allowed to promote any kind of healing or benefits they provide. I will say they are phenomenal and I couldn’t recommend them enough, they are the second biggest contributor to helping me on this journey.

I changed my diet to eating organic, drinking bone broth and having fresh cold-pressed juice daily. Cutting out all my food intolerance foods and eliminating refined sugar also helped significantly. My Dr. also makes his own fermented probiotic which I would have a shot of every morning. It tastes disgusting. Doing all of this to help repair my gut made a huge difference. When I eat something I shouldn’t I feel far worse and when I eat sugar it affects my brain and I become very moody and angry. Caffeine makes my adrenals crash so I drink decaf as a treat sometimes. If you can’t afford an entirely organic diet, you get organic meat before fruit and veg. Saving for my treatment I haven’t been able to afford organic food for over 9 months now and I’m really looking forward to being able to buy it again.

My Dr. informed me of how stress is toxic to my body. Stress emits chemicals in the body that weakens us, and for a chronically ill person, we simply cannot handle this change in bad chemistry. So I’ve learnt to cut people out of my life, set firmer boundaries and avoid drama as much as possible, because it is simply not worth my health. It’s no one’s responsibility but yours to understand this either. I have broken up with partners, ended friendships and even cut off extended family members because of their behaviour, treatment of me or choices. They need no explanation from me either, because more often than not they won’t “get it” and it’s very hard to change people. Moreover, as I’m an empath, I absorb other people’s emotions and stress. I’m a great target for people dumping their problems on me. Don’t get me wrong, I care about people and want to help, but I had a few relationships that were one-sided, where the person would vent or dump their problems on me, talk about themselves and that’s where the conversation would cease. To me that’s not OK. I was honest with these people and either asked for space or set new boundaries for our relationship. Many chronically ill people are empathic, so knowing this is important.

1 year of bioresonance and I was heading towards 70% health. Life was looking great. But I had a few stressors in my life, a few relapses in health and I seemed to settle around 50% health. Some days I might only be at 20% and other days I might be lucky to hit 70%. So at this point you would call me a “high functioning Lymie.” I’m still quite sick, but I no longer look sick. I can’t work or study, but I can complete basic tasks for myself most days. I can maybe leave my house once or twice a week for a social catch-up or to run some errands, but I will feel worse the next day and have to spend it lying on the couch. Majority of my energy goes towards simply caring for myself, showering, preparing food, cooking, house work, grocery shopping, sorting out medications, completing errands and then on a good day I might have a little energy spare to go out for a few hours, play the piano for 30 minutes, walk my dogs for 15 minutes or chat to a friend on the phone.

Some days I can’t even get dressed, have a shower or speak (which sucks because I LOVE to talk). My health is incredibly unreliable and inconsistent. This is what frustrates me. I just can’t get above 50% health. I’ve had seriously scary relapses in the last few years too, where I’ve spent weeks bedridden, unable to care for myself and thinking “is this it? Is this where I go downhill and don’t get better?” I’m terrified of that. I can’t travel, contribute to society in all the ways I so deeply desire, have children, exercise or do anything relatively “normal” without it causing significant payback. I have to calculate how much energy every activity would cost me and I often have to for-go important gatherings or events because I’m not well enough. If I have 2 friends’ celebrating their birthdays on the same weekend, one on a Friday night and one on a Saturday night, I have to pick one. I couldn’t do both. And even then, I don’t know until the last minute if I can actually attend. Often I pick my event and then can’t even go to that. If friend’s and family want to make plans ahead of time, this makes me incredibly anxious, because I worry my health won’t be good enough and I’ll have to cancel last minute. This creates a lot of stress and guilt. I’m very grateful for the people in my life that tell me it’s OK if I cancel last minute, but I still feel guilty and disappointed to miss out on spending time with them. It’s not a CHOICE for us to isolate ourselves and be stuck in our beds or couches alone, feeling like crap.

Even the other night I wanted to go out for dinner with my parter, but I woke up so sick and had a terrible day. I rested, ate healthy food and put oils on that usually help my symptoms of fatigue and nausea. But I felt no better. I was stressed and trying to “find” the energy to go out. I changed my clothes, decided against trying to put makeup on and just tied my hair up. Walked into the lounge room and just felt 10x worse from those activities. It was a battle in my mind for 10 minutes on deciding whether to push through or admit to my partner I wasn’t well enough. He’s very flexible and supportive so he was fine to stay home, but I felt so disappointed and annoyed at my body for not being able to cope. All I needed it to be ok with was driving 20 minutes down the road, sitting in a restaurant for 90 minutes and driving home. I just wanted a nice meal with my partner, holding hands, looking at each other, talking, and I couldn’t do that. This kind of disappointment is something I deal with often.

So 1 year ago I decided that this inconsistency was just doing my head in. I’m fed up. I want a life. I remember at 5% health I begged the universe (or god, whatever your beliefs are) to get me to just 50% health, so that I could function a little and have some sort of a “life” and I would be so grateful. I got there. But this is not living, I still feel like I’m merely existing, with a little bit of joy or distraction from time to time. That’s when I started to look into more “extreme” treatment options. Australia and what is has to offer is not working for me. I will never get better if I keep trialling the limiting options is has to offer for a disease it deems does not exist and it therefore cannot comprehend the complexities of.

#lyme #Lyme Disease #lyme treatment #chronic illness #chronic lyme #hansa #hansa center #chronic fatigue syndrome

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celticrune · 7 years

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all the even nrs for ur dnd chars!!

Under a cut because good lord

2. Do they have any titles? How did they get them?JayHe doesn’t have any official titles, but he probably ‘title’ likeSlayer of Bandits or Hammer of the Revolution or idk something cheesy like thatin his hometown. Nothing that serious, but he still fucking hates it

MoranaWell, her evil original self is called The Demon Queen, so that’s a thing.

SurinaHer surname, Korath, is a title of sorts. It’s a designation she earned for hercohort, meaning demon in Draconic (or something along thoselines, I don’t remember the exact translation). She got the name by massacringfive fellow recruits in a tournament battle royale (that technically wasn’tsupposed to be fought to the death)

Keijinope

Tanwenno

ValThey’re quite the scourge to the rebellion and the nobility alike, so thereare probably references to the Shadow or something along those lines. A figureof smoke and mirrors, a supernatural assassin who always gets their target. Butno one knows it’s them, so that doesn’t really count. Other than that there’ssmaller (but so much more important) titles like “beloveddaughter”, “precious bird”, and so on.

TemperanceLady Temperance Abycan of Tergeste is her official title.

Whispernah

Rayanot yet

4. What is their relationship with their parents? What’sa good and bad memory with them? Did they know both parents? JayHe had a pretty normal, happy childhood. He loves his parents, even if they’resomewhat overbearing sometimes. His mother got him his apprenticeship at thelocal blacksmith, which he’s very grateful for, and his father introduced himto his faith even before he became a cleric.

A particularly good memory would be after the battle for hishometown, when he returned to find them both safe and (mostly) healthy.,knowing that he managed to protect them.

MoranaShe doesn’t remember much about her parents, seeing as they died when she wasyoung. She remembers warmth, and love. She remembers the smell of the stews herfather would make, napping close to the heat of the fire, leaned against herfather as he would occasionally tend to the food or the fire. She remembers hermother telling her stories, great tales of history, rich with adventures andtreasure and people at the core of it all.

These are good memories. The worst memory of her childhoodis one she only recently regained through some divine intervention: seeing herparents be forced to summon the devil Mephisto, seeing him kill them, and thenhaving him mark her.

SurinaDragonborn don’t ascribe to the traditional family structures of most other races.Similar to the qunari in Dragon Age, children are raised communally, away fromtheir birth parents. Surina was also raised in such a cohort with otheryounglings her age. She doesn’t remember the people who gave life to her, andshe really doesn’t care.KeijiKeiji was also raised somewhat communally, but that’s because his parentsdied on a mission not too long after he was born. They were part of a monasticorder dedicated to Pelor, and he was raised by them. He wanted to fit in, hereally did, but he was always something of a troublemaker with a casualdisregard for rules, so he didn’t really get along with the headmaster.

Most of his good memories revolve around Rin, anotherapprentice. She was a few years older than him and he saw her as an oldersister (but then the cool kind of older sister, who teaches you how to picklocks and parkour around guard patrols so you can steal the good liquor fromthe head monk’s desk).

TanwenShe loves her parents, even if the relationship got somewhat strained afterher sister died and she had to leave on a vision quest. She always wanted tostay close to home, to take over her family’s farm and find a family, but well.

She spent a lot of time exploring the woods with her youngersister and their dog when she was younger, which were great times. She was bestat treeclimbing, but her sister was faster, and they could sit and talk forhours.

Her worst memory, well. The fights she wasn’t supposed tohear but heard anyway as her parents argued over her path in life (follow theuncertain path of a god’s chosen, or ignore her calling and stay close to home)are pretty high up there.

ValThey don’t remember much of their birth parents, and what they do remember theydo their best to ignore. They still sometimes get nightmares, dreams where theyfeel warm and loved and safe, they’re held close, surrounded by a familiarscent that they can never remember upon waking, but when they do open theireyes they can’t stop crying. It’s an unforgivable sign of weakness, but the feelingof loss and the sense that they’re missing something is toobig to push down.

TemperanceShe’s an orphan, left on the doorstep of a church-run orphanage by a mother whodidn’t want to deal with a demon-touched child, so she doesn’t really havememories of her birth parents. She had a pretty bad relationship with the nunsat the orphanage, until she realised how easy it is to lie and manipulatepeople into doing what you want them to. After that, the nuns’ attitude towardsher improved tremendously.

WhisperWhisper didn’t really get along with her parents, mostly because they wantedher to be someone she’s not. They could be warm and close when they carefullysteered clear of subjects like religion and her plans for the future, but therewere a lot of screaming fights.

A good memory were the times Whisper and her mother would behome alone and they’d improvise music together. Whisper has a beautiful singingvoice (something the church choir was grateful for) and her mother plays thepiano, so they’d while away long afternoons improvising music together. Hermother tried to teach her how to play the piano, but that… did not go well.

RayaRaya has a pretty goodrelationship with her mothers still, when she’s in the area she’ll always comeby to visit. They were a happy family when she was younger, even if one of hermothers never got over being startled when she accidentally shifted into yetanother dangerous predator.

She bonded a lotwith her other mother over being a druid, and the time they spent together asshe learned how to control her magic is very precious to her still.

6. What were they like at school? Did they enjoy it? Didthey finish? What level of higher education did they reach? What subjects didthey enjoy? Which did they hate?JayJay never got a formal education cause, well, peasant in a DnD setting. He wasapprenticed to a blacksmith and he liked that a lot, he loves working with hishands and making something tangible, and he seemed to have a gift for workingwith metal. When he turned out to have cleric powers he maybe should’ve,y’know, studied religion and religious history and all that, but also fuckthat. He was never a fan of book learning, and suddenly being able to healpeople with a touch and a few words doesn’t change that.

MoranaShe a nerd. Even as a kid she’d read anything she could get her hands on,though she was especially interested in ancient history. When she was oldenough she went to Wizard College™, where there’d hopefully be more to readthan the rather meagre library of her mountainous clan. There was, and she wasa good student even if she was often more invested in her own research, ratherthan whatever was on the curriculum. She didn’t manage to finish her studies,given how the whole “summon a devil so you can get a first-hand source on theirculture rather than only legends and myths” plan didn’t really go so well.

SurinaShe excelled at military strategy,though she preferred practical combat lessons over most other subjects. In linewith that, she was trained to and became an officer, leading her own squad andon her way to greater things when that plan was sadly derailed.

KeijiHe’s the annoying kid that neverstudies yet still gets decent grades. How?? Not even he knows. He wasn’t reallya fan of most theoretical classes, considering he didn’t care about most ofthem, vastly preferring the practical lessons. One thing he was interested inwas languages, though he kept that fairly quiet (cause showing genuine interestin things is for losers). He studied them on his own time, and he’s fluent inquite a few languages.

TanwenShe tried, she really did, but no one told her that being a cleric wouldinvolve this much sitting down and reading.She hated it from the bottom of her heart, and though that hate has tempered somewhat,being told she has to read something still incites a knee-jerk irritation.

ValThey’re a quiet and conscientious student, a quick learner (it’s one of thefirst things they learned after all, how to not disappoint). They don’t have apreference for subjects, as all knowledge is similarly useful. Quietly though,they are more drawn towards theoretical lessons, where there is no chance oftraining accidents.

Their one weak point is magic lessons, given their wildmagic. Temperance has tried her level best to train it out of them, but she’scome to accept them for who they are, magic misfires and all.

TemperanceShe didn’t go to school, but the nuns taught her and the other girls how tobalance a checkbook, how to sow, how to smile and be polite and pleasant, allskills necessary for securing a husband and running a household. She taughtherself magic from a wizard’s spellbook she found, and she found she excelledat charms and other mental manipulation.

Whisperooooh boy. Her parents wanted her to join the clergy like them, so theygave her a v religion focused education as she grew up. She hated it. She’dsneak out of lessons and assigned study time as often as she could, parkouringaround the city instead. She much preferred studying under Asp to be a ranger.

RayaShe wasn’t really focused on a formal education either. She inherited herdruidic powers from one of her mothers, so she was pretty home-schooled in thatregard. There weren’t many books involved, it was very much a gut-feeling kindathing, which she was grateful for.

8. Did they have pets as a child? Do they have pets as anadult? Do they like animals? JayHe likes big dogs, though hedidn’t have a pet as a child. He’d like to get a dog, but adventuring is adangerous hobby, so he wants to wait until he has settled down.

MoranaShe was never really a big fan of animals, though she liked birds. She’s gaineda newfound appreciation for wolves though.

SurinaShe’s not a fan of pets, thoughshe likes useful animals, like whatever her country uses as wardogs (probablysome form of insects, knowing Athas).

KeijiThere were no pets at themonastery, and even after he’s never really considered the idea of owning one.His opinion on animals is mostly just ???

Tanwendisney princess. She gets along with any and all animals. Even the onesthat could kill her. Especially the ones that are trying to kill her. She had adog as a kid, and she’d like to have pets again someday when her life is not sodangerous.

ValThey sometimes pet street cats when they’re out on a mission and have somespare time, but that’s the extent of their interactions with animals.

TemperanceShe used to want a cat. She still wants a cat, if only for the aesthetic,but all cats hate her guts. They have good instincts.

WhisperShe loves birds, especially birds of prey. She didn’t have a pet as achild, though she always begged her parents for a bird. She still one day wantsto tame an owl and keep it.

RayaShe sees animals as friends, notpets. She spends a lot of time hanging out in animal form with variouspopulations, but she’d never want to own them.

10. Do they like children? Do children like them? Do theyhave or want any children? What would they be like as a parent? Or as agodparent/babysitter/ect?JayHe’s pretty good with children. Hewants to make a family eventually, but it’s a far off in the future kinda plan.

MoranaShe’s pretty neutral on children.If she were to ever have children she wants to adopt, especially with what shenow knows about Mephisto. Whatever mark he’s left on her, she doesn’t want torisk passing it on.

SurinaShe says she’s alright withchildren. Do not believe her. Her views on child safety are not to be trusted.

Keiji?? why. Get these things away fromhim.

nah he’s not thatoutspoken. He mostly just doesn’t know what to do with children.

TanwenShe loves kids. She fusses a lotover them, but she’s a great older sister, and she’d make a good mom someday.

ValNo opinion. They like taking careof the younger kids at the school, though it’s sometimes hard to see them beingreplaced so often.

TemperanceShe has a place to play-act atbeing a mother, aka the school. That’s really all she needs. She doesn’t want achild for sentimental reasons, and she really only cares about personal power(not setting up a dynasty), so she doesn’t need an heir for that either.

WhisperLargely neutral. She’s Too Cool™for caring anyway so y’know

RayaCubs are cute.

12. What is their favourite food? Jay?? I have no idea I’m sorry

MoranaShe loves stews, mostly becausethey remind her of home.

SurinaSweet baked goods (not that she’dadmit that to anyone)

Keijithe dnd equivalent of junkfood

TanwenFruits, berries, that kinda deal.

ValCookies. They don’t get the chanceto make them very often, but every so often they’ll bake cookies with theyounger children.

TemperanceShe enjoys fancy cuisine just forthe fact that’s it’s expensive and fancy. She likes getting to revel in herstatus.

WhisperHot chocolate. It was a bit morecommon when she still lived with her parents, but after she left with Asp itbecame a very rare treat, which made her enjoy it even more.

Raya?? no idea

14. Do they have any specific memories of food/arestaurant/meal?Jayno??

MoranaI’ve pretty much covered thisalready, but yea. Spending time with her dad as he made stew.

SurinaHer best (and only) friend fromchildhood, Jarrash, became a baker in the city while she joined the military.They couldn’t see each other often anymore as adults, but she treasures thetimes spent together when she did happen to be in the city and she’d go visithis bakery.

Keijinot really

TanwenShe found a little grove with somefruit trees in her time spent in the forest. That was a spot she visited oftenover the years.

ValAlready covered that.

Temperancenothing specific

WhisperToo many to count, most related toAsp and their life together after she became his apprentice.

Rayanot really

16. Do they collect anything? What do they do with it?Where do they keep it? JayRare metals, crystals/gems, any materials he can find that catch his eye.There’s a reason he’s so fucking buff and it’s because of all the shit he keepsferreting away into his backpack which he then has to carry.

MoranaBooks, mostly for research. She currently keeps them on their sanddasher.

SurinaKills. But no nothing physical,she doesn’t take trophies or anything like that.

KeijiIn the college au, pillows. Hisbed is like 90% pillow it’s a wonder how he even sleeps in it. He doesn’treally collect things in his canon tho. Maybe cities he can’t go back to causewhoops he sure done fucked up there and now he may be kinda wanted

Tanwenthe way it’s going, traumas. Butthat’s not really a voluntary collection on her part.

Valnope

Temperance…do her birds count ascollectibles. I mean in her mind they do so that’s what I’m going with. They’rea treasured collection she’s quite proud of them

WhisperShe sometimes takes trophies from successful hunts. She has a harpy featherfrom the first time she led a hunt, and she’ll probably accumulate a few more duringher adventures. She’d wear them as accessories, or put them on her bow or herarmour maybe.

RayaSeeds from plants she encounters.

18. What’s their favourite genre of: books, music, tvshows, films, video games and anything elseJayin a modern au, probably terriblereality tv. In his canon, I’m not really sure.

MoranaHistorical epics. Myths, legends,tales of wars won and lost.

SurinaShe doesn’t really do non-fiction,but she does like swapping stories about old battles around a campfire.

KeijiHe’d deny it, but he has a softspot for cheesy romance. Mostly he’ll read truly terrible romance novels justto make fun of them (and so he can quote them at people and make them cringe),but sometimes he finds a gem he truly enjoys.

TanwenUnironically reads the cheesiestof romances. She’s a romantic at heart, even if her taste in literature israther terrible

ValThey don’t have a lot of leisuretime for reading and the like (other than some required popular works so theywon’t miss any references and stand out), but they like aesthetic performanceart (if that makes sense). There was a ribbon dancing performance in Tergesteat one point and they were entranced. Anything that manages to convey emotionand intent purely through physicality and aesthetics.

Temperancemanuals on how to emotionallyabuse and brainwash young children. she keeps them under her pillow. (nah sheprobably mostly just reads to keep up with popular trends so she knows whateveryone’s talking about) She likes theatre though, she likes peoplewatchingand talking shit about the actors (depending on who she’s with)

WhisperStories about heroes, folk heroeswho make their way from humble beginnings to saving the world, legendaryheroes, anything she can get her hands on.

Rayastories about animals, cause she’sa fucking furry

20. Do they like musicals? Music in general? What do theydo when they’re favourite song comes?(this kinda turned into fave musicgenre whoops sorry. also modern au cause more choice in music)JayHis singing voice is pretty rough,but he’s fond of music, and he’ll always quietly sing along. He’s really goodat lullabies for some reason??

MoranaMusicals are not really her thing,pretty neutral about music as well.

SurinaShe’d work out to like really zenand calming music. No one understands how, but she makes it work.

KeijiHis taste in music is all over theplace man, including things that he’d keep on his phone just for Irony™. It’s aminefield don’t ever give him control over music at a party. Actually somewhatdecent at singing, though he rarely uses it.

TanwenAcoustic piano music, femalevocals, some pop music. She’s not that good at keeping a tune but she has areally sweet and gentle singing voice it’s nice.

ValSymphonic metal and more in thatcorner of genres, the classic emo bands.

TemperanceClassical music, Nicki Minaj,country songs about women killing their husbands. It’s kinda all over theplace. To her eternal shame she can’t sing for shit her voice is absolutelyterrible

WhisperOnly listens to Cool Kid Musiclike punk rock. Has a very hidden secret folder of Taylor Swift songs and thelike that she only listens to on special occasions. She has the voice of anangel, and she used to be in a choir when she was younger, but she doesn’t singoften and really only in private. It’s too much of a reminder.

RayaForest ambientmood always. Alsosome slow music, things that just generally set a peaceful mood. Has an alrightsinging voice, nothing particularly special. She’ll sometimes sing to theplants on her rooftop garden cause she wants them to be happy.

22. What are their favourite insults to use? What do theyinsult people for? Or do they prefer to bitch behind someone’s back?JayHe will bitch endlessly aboutthose prissy nobles in their fancy goddamn castles, haven’t done a hard day’swork in their lives, but he usually keeps that to an inner monologue. He won’tinsult people often, though he has little patience for incompetence in peoplein leadership positions.

MoranaIf she doesn’t like you, you willknow. She doesn’t really have a go to insult, she improvises. Generally though, if someone’s pissing heroff in conversation she’ll draw back into a very sharp sort of arrogance.

SurinaShe doesn’t lie, but she alsodoesn’t air her opinions, though Sylta has managed to push her buttons morethan a few times. Clanless is something she calls those lawless people outsidedragonborn society, though she usually saves it for when people are beingparticularly dishonourable.

KeijiHe’s very creative. He’ll snark tono end even in casual conversation, but if he really wants to annoy someone hisbarbs get a lot sharper and more pointed.

TanwenShe rarely ever actually insultspeople, mostly cause she’s tried very hard to train herself into not thinkingbadly about people. She’s a bit too honest and blunt sometimes, but that’s notout of malice.

ValThey’ve mastered the backhandedcompliment for when it is appropriate. They almost always keep their opinionsto themself though, and they’ll use whatever insults are appropriate for theircurrent disguise if the situation calls for it.

TemperanceShe mostly bitches about peoplebehind their backs (often to Chal), but she’s also a master of the backhandedcompliment.

WhisperShe tries, she really does, but her insults are hilariously pathetic. Shedoesn’t do words well under pressure, so she’ll often flap out some reallyunimpressive insult. “Cracked walnut!” is a classic.

RayaShe believes in actions more so than words, but she’s rather blunt with herwords still when she chooses to use them. If she doesn’t just leave thesituation entirely, she’ll just straight up tell the person why she thinksthey’re unpleasant, rather than coming up with some creative insult.

24. What is their sleeping pattern like? Do they snore?What do they like to sleep on? A soft or hard mattress?JayHe’s actually a fairly heavysleeper, which is not a good habit for an adventurer. Doesn’t snore, and thoughhe prefers soft mattresses he’s pretty used to bedrolls and terrible inns bynow.

MoranaAnswered here

SurinaAnswered here

KeijiAnswered here

TanwenAnswered here

ValAnswered here

TemperanceA light sleeper, with theoccasional nightmare. Her bed is quite comfortable though, a large four-posterwith plenty of pillows on them. Most of them she had Val steal from variousassassination targets. It makes them even more comfortable.

WhisperAnswered here

RayaAnswered here

26. How do they act when they’re happy? Do they sing?Dance? Hum? Or do they hide their emotions? JayHe doesn’t usually bother with hiding his emotions and he also doesn’t hidehis happiness. He’s still somewhat contained about it, the most you’ll get is asmile and laughter.

MoranaShe doesn’t show a lot of outward signs of happiness but she’ll be morerelaxed, more prone to smiling, more affectionate. Just a bit looser ingeneral.

SurinaShe rarely lets her guard downaround people she doesn’t completely trust, but when she feels safe and happyshe’ll actually smile, she’ll talk more, be more prone to affectionate words.

KeijiHe has no problems broadcastinghis amusement, his exhilarated joy during battle, his glee at managing to fuckover some pompous asshole, but he’ll almost always hide genuine happinessunless he’s around close friends or a significant other. When he’s really happyhe just softens. He’ll get more touchy, drop the snark (mostly), and just bemore honest in general.

TanwenShe’s all smiles, even more so than usual. All The Hugs. Prone to randomdeclarations of affection and just getting really bubbly and excited abouteverything.

Valwhat is happiness. even in aus where they get out they’re still fairlycontained in their happiness, though they’ll actually smile and emote and showthat they’re happy without worrying about how it’ll be perceived.

TemperanceHer being happy is rarely a good thing for anyone. Her happiness most oftencomes when she fucks over someone else, so there’s always a touch of arroganceand smug satisfaction to it. She’ll treat herself by doing some luxuriousself-care routine or the like, or treat herself to a particularly nice bottleof liquor (and drink immediately cause like hell will she let the conman stealthis one) (chal can have it he’s allowed) (not that she’d tell him that)

WhisperShe tries to hide it cause happiness isn’t Cool™ but she’s really easy toread. She’ll light up, she’s all smiles and she can’t stop talking aboutwhatever it is she’s so happy about. Or really, whatever’s caught her interestin that particular moment. It’s adorable.

RayaShe’s a very tactile person ingeneral, but even more so when she’s happy. She’ll sometimes go panther andjust curl up around people and purr. She has something of a rusty purr whenshe’s in her elven form as well, but sometimes she prefers cuddling in animalform.

28. What is their biggest fear? What in general scaresthem? How do they act when they’re scared?JayOne of his fears is that somethingwill happen to his family in his absence, that they’ll be hurt (or worse,killed) while he’s off on an adventure that he doesn’t really want to be on inthe first place. He goes very quiet when scared, and he tends to distracthimself by getting protective and defensive.

MoranaAnswered here. When scared, she either goes quiet (whenshe’s faced with something so far beyond her she can’t do anything, or anythingshe can’t fight), or she lashes out, albeit physically or with words.

SurinaAnswered here. She isn’t scared often, and even when sheis she’ll often push it down in favour of taking action. She’ll do what needsto be done first, there’s time for fear later, when everyone’s safe.

KeijiAnswered here. He goes pale, his hands start trembling,and he’ll get a little frantic (or very frantic, depending on how scared he is)about trying to get away from the situation. If it’s a situation he can’timmediately get out of he either stops talking or doesn’t stop talking in anattempt to distract himself (and convince everyone he’s totally fine)

TanwenAnswered here. She cries when she’s scared. She’ll havetrouble regulating her breathing as well. She tends to try and surround herselfwith people, or find reassurance in physical touch.

ValAnswered here. As with most emotions, they don’t reallyshow any outward sign of fear.

TemperanceLosing control, feeling powerless.She’s used to being the manipulator, controlling events from the shadows. Shehad plenty of time to feel powerless during her childhood, and she never wants to return to that. She’dinitially flip towards anger if she gets scared, getting defensive and tryingto get out of the situation. If that doesn’t work, she’d pull out any weapon inher arsenal to get out.

WhisperAnswered here. She gets loud when she’s scared, turningup the rambling and the bluster in an attempt to cover up her fear. In asituation where that isn’t an option she’ll start fidgeting with anything andeverything.

RayaAnswered here. She’ll often revert to animal forms whenscared, prowling around people close to her and rubbing against their legs.Intense emotions like that are easier to deal with when she’s like that, soit’s a common coping tactic for her.

30. Do they exercise? Regularly? Or only when forced?What do they act like pre-work out and post-work out?JayHe doesn’t exercise just for thesake of exercising, but working at theforge is pretty hard work so it has the same effect.

MoranaHer idea of a work-out is holdinga book up over her head when she’s reading in bed.

SurinaShe has a morning work-out routinethat she keeps up. She likes the routine of it, and it’s a reminder of home.

KeijiHe meditates every morning, and Iimagine he also does some pretty regular training. Gotta keep those skillssharp.

TanwenNot really. There are the trainingsessions given to her by Rhogash both when they were still in the Underdark andjust before he left, but that wasn’t a regular thing.

ValThey keep their skills sharp bygoing on missions often, they don’t have a regular exercise routine.

Temperancehell no

WhisperNo exercise routine, but she leadsa pretty active lifestyle in general.

Rayanope

32. What do they dress like? What sorta shops do they buyclothes from? Do they wear the fashion that they like? What do they wear tosleep? Do they wear makeup? What’s their hair like?JayPractical. Lots of pockets andpouches to ferret away things he finds. In his canon you’ll most often find himin heavy armour, his glaive close at hand, or in simply but sturdy clothes andlike a heavy apron for when he’s working at the forge. He wears a simple ironcog on a leather band around his neck he made himself, his holy symbol. Hisears are also pierced, with two studs each. He’ll sometimes wear prettierearrings, but given how it’s not very practical he usually saves that for whenhe’s in a situation where he’s sure he’s safe.

MoranaIn modern AUs, she tends to coverup a lot. Long sleeves, turtlenecks, that kinda thing, cause she has prettyintense burns covering most of her body in those. A constant though is thatshe’s fairly simplistic when it comes to fashion, she’s not really a fan ofjewellery and such adornments.

SurinaAlso quite practical. In modern AUsshe’d have that military aesthetic going on (also cause y’know she’d actuallybe in the army). In her canon she sticks mainly to simple but functionalarmour.

KeijiIn canon, something quite similarto Kaecilius from the Doctor Strange movie. Simple black underclothes, with agolden sash/overshirt type thing with Pelor’s symbol embroidered onto it. In amodern au, it could vary wildly. He can pull off a suit no problem (he’s hadplenty of practice), but especially because of that he tends to prefer casuallooks during his day to day. Also never lend him a sweater you won’t get itback. He totally went through a punk phase.

TanwenIn canon, mostly armour. She’dlike to wear pretty dresses sometimes, but she never really has the chance. Heronly jewellery is an amulet with a spider engraved on it, a reminder of when agroup of prisoners got caught in one of her spells and she accidentally killedthem. In a modern au, it’d be skirts and dresses whenever she can get away withit. Light colours, light fabrics, lots of swish. She has more practical outfitsas well for her labs and for when she volunteers at the local hospital, butyea.

ValWhatever is most practical. Theyhave a plethora of disguises at their disposal and outfits for any layer ofsociety. Around the house they default to simple pants and a shirt. They likegoing around barefoot at home, because it’s something they can really only dowhen they’re in a safe space. In a modern au, they have a more punk aesthetic.They don’t leave the house without their leather jacket which is covered inpins (unless Lytte is wearing, in which case they also don’t leave the housebecause they’re Compromised), heavy boots, dramatic make up, chokers.

TemperanceFancy as fuck. Tergeste is aVictorian-styled city, so those kinds of fashions. She tends to wear mostlydark colours, to offset how white everything else about her is. Tasteful makeup, expensive but not garish jewellery, her hair pinned up in the latestfashions. She’ll be somewhat less done up when she’s just around her birds, butthere’s always a level of polish to her appearance. In modern aus she stilloften has her hair in some braided updo, but her clothes are less fancy. Stillhigh-quality and stylish, but y’know more like normal people. She still tends towardsformal clothing more often than not, but it’s more business casual. (is that aterm? I feel like that’s a term)

WhisperWorn and dirty leather armour, adappled grey cloak that’s useful for mountain camo but stands out like a damnbeacon anywhere else. She wears a necklace with an iridescent blue feather anda simple, but lovingly carved wooden symbol of Bahamut over her armour. Noearrings, cause while she wanted to get them she wimped out just before. In amodern au she flips between Edgy™ looks, shirts from metal bands she’s neverbeen to, that kinda thing, and very practical boots, cargo pants, long-sleevedshirt looks for when she’s on trips or out survivaling or whatever she gets upto. She always wears a simple cross necklace, but she keeps it hidden andtucked away under her clothing.

Rayalike, leaves? She doesn’t go intocivilisation often, so really the only reason she remembers to wear anything atall is because armour is practical for when you get into fights with uppitybandits. She likes making flower crowns though, and she’ll often druidcraftflower for whoever she’s traveling with and stick them in their hair or ontheir clothing. She favours feline forms for when she shifts, but idk if thatcounts as a fashion choice. For a modern au, she dresses like a damn hippie.She has very little concern for fashion and other people’s opinions, so any ofher outfits are a damn fashion nightmare. She looks like she got eaten by athrift shop, thrown up, and now she’s wearing whatever clothes happened tostick to her.

34. What is their body type? How tall are they? Do theylike their body?JayAt like 1,95m he’s pretty tall,and Strong™. Not like built like a bodybuilder cause that isn’t practicalmuscle at all, but yea he has some definition. He’s pretty okay with his body,no particularly positive or negative feelings.

MoranaShe’s also tall, average but solidbuild. She used to be pretty happy with her body, until she first got brandedby Treznor (a mark which she didn’t want the rest to know about, so she had tokeep her upper arm covered up), and then found out that her black skin isbecause she was marked by Mephisto as a child, not a natural thing. She’spretty fucked up about that realisation, and it’s really put her off thecolour.

SurinaTall and broad. She’s p much abrick wall of scales and teeth and scars it’s great fun. Though she canappreciate beauty she’s never seen the point of it for herself. Her body servesher well, and that’s all it needs to do.

Keijipretty and he knows it. He’s shortand slight, about 1,60. He doesn’t seem like much, but he moves with a sort ofpredatory grace, and that’s really not about body type at all well done me. Helikes his body.

TanwenShe could be called willowy if itweren’t for the surprising amount of muscle she’s built up. Adventuring’s hardwork yo. Still, about 1,70 and relatively slim, most of her bulk comes from herarmour. She likes her body, though she doesn’t like how dangerous she looksnowadays, with the muscle and the scars she’s gained. It’s an unpleasantreminder of just how much danger everyone’s in on a daily basis.

ValAverage height, average build,unremarkable facial features. The kind of face you could see in a crowd andthen immediately forget. The one thing that stands out is a scar bisectingtheir left eye, and that eye is a prosthetic of a slightly mismatched colour.Scars on their ankles and wrists from restraints. They don’t have an opinion ontheir body.

TemperanceTall (about 180), and on the curvyside. A damn ghost, with white skin, white hair, and pupil-less white eyes.Pale curling ram’s horns frame her face, and she has a thick, prehensile tailas well as hooves. She’s somewhat regal in the way she carries herself, alwayspoised, always composed. She likes her body, she’s proud of her tieflingfeatures.

WhisperShe’s on the short side, at about155. Surprisingly muscled arms and back, mostly from archery. Despite nothaving a recent growth spurt or being all that tall, she moves like a ganglypuppy. It’s adorable. She’d like to be taller so she could tower over peopleand be intimidating, but that’s the only real gripe she has with her body.

RayaAverage height, lean build. She’s unhappy with her body sometimes, butthat’s mainly because it’s merely elven. She’s so used to her multitude ofshapes and forms that her own body feels rather limited sometimes.

36. What are they good at? What hobbies do they like? Canthey sing?JayAnything practical, though weaponand armour smithing is his specialty. It’s his main hobby as well, it’ssomething he spends a lot of time on.

MoranaShe’s pretty good at burningenemies with hellfire? But nah she’s a Nerd™. She likes researching anythingshe can get her hands on in her spare time, or just reading for fun.

Surina what is fun

Keijibeing a sneaky little shit andkicking ass. He’s also pretty good at woodcarving. Nothing large or dramatic,just simple things. He likes carving little birds to keep his hands busy duringlong watches.

Tanwenshe’s got those healing handsbaby. I have no idea what that was and I am so sorry. But yea, her main talentis her gift for healing. She likes reading cheesy romance novels in her sparetime, and she loves hearing people talk about love or romance.

ValThey’re very good at what they do(as they should be, given the amount of time Temperance has invested in them).They don’t really have a lot of spare time for hobbies, though. One thing theyenjoy is watching the stars, and spending time with the younger children in theschool.

TemperanceShe excels at manipulating thosearound her. Her ambitions and her birds are quite a timesink though, so shedoesn’t have a lot of time for hobbies. She does regularly spend time with Chaland The Conman, which usually ends up with her and The Conman sassing eachother while Chal rolls his eyes a lot.

WhisperShe’s a great hunter, she lovesthe process of tracking a beast, sneaking up on it, etc. It’s a fun challenge.It’s pretty much the one situation where she’s actually in her element and notputting up a front.

RayaShe’s quite good at gardening,what with being a druid and all. She doesn’t often settle down for long enoughto make her own garden, but she’d like to. Her main hobby is frolicking inmeadows it’s great fun.

38. What do they admire in others? What talents do theywish they had?JayDetermination, if that makessense? People who have a clear goal for their life and who are working towardsthat. He’s just kinda floating along, taking things as they happen, and thatattitude is something he admires.

MoranaShe admires people who can stillbe soft in this world. Who can opentheir hearts and be kind regardless of the harshness and danger that’s soprevalent everywhere around them.

SurinaExpertise, no matter the field.

KeijiNormally I’d say honesty, peoplewho can just say what they’re feeling, cause that plays into the whole “peopleadmires things they’re not”. But honestly (heh) those people baffle him morethan he admires them. He just. Doesn’t understand why you’d do that. There’snot really one singular trait he admires in people, though he’s drawn to asharp wit.

TanwenConfidence. Even if she doesn’t show it, she doubtsherself and her choices a lot. She admires people who can stand behind theirchoices with zero doubt.

ValNothing really? They practicallyworship Temperance, but that’s not really admiration. Yea I don’t think theyreally have any traits they admire, cause that’s a thing people do and they’renot a person.

TemperanceAnother difficult one. I’m gonnahave to go with nothing again, because admiration requires seeing someone as atleast an equal, if not above you. She just doesn’t see people as people.They’re game pieces, pawns to be directed and used. Chal’s the only one exemptfrom that, and though she loves him she doesn’t admire him either. She respectsthe Conman, but again, no admiration.

WhisperShe admires, more as an abstractconcept than anything concrete. She admires people who stand up for the weak,no matter what. People who’re respectful and kind and who’ll keep fighting nomatter what’s standing in their way.

RayaShe doesn’t really interact with other people a whole lot, but when shedoes she’s drawn to those close to nature, those with a love for animals. Thosesimilar to herself really. She’s confused but impressed by people with actualsocial skills. the real cryptids

40. Do they like energy drinks? Coffee? Sugary food? Orcan they naturally stay awake and alert?(assuming the college au wherecoffee is actually available)JayNot really, mostly cause they makehis hands v jittery.

MoranaNot a lot usually, but during examweek? Coffee all day every day. How else is she gonna pull those allnighters.Rorik has had to shepherd her to bed on more than one occasion.

SurinaShe doesn’t like having to rely onexternal stimulants to stay awake, so only in extremely rare cases. And thenit’s usually black coffee, nothing too sugary.

KeijiBlack coffee is his mortal enemy,though he has learned how to drink it. Doesn’t mean he likes it though, andwhen he has to stay awake he usually defaults to energy drinks. Consideringthat he’s doing like another half major on the side, this is often.

TanwenShe likes Starbucks, but shedoesn’t drink coffee purely to stay awake. She doesn’t like the taste of coffeeanyway so her Starbucks drinks are sugary monstrosities.

ValThey usually manage to stay alertpretty well on their own, but sometimes you just gotta chug 4 straightespressos.

TemperanceShe prefers tea over coffee, blacktea when she needs a boost.

WhisperShe doesn’t really like the tasteof either, so she makes do without.

RayaShe prefers making her own herbalteas.

42. What are their goals? What would they sacrificeanything for? What is their secret ambition?JayHe doesn’t really have any. Whathe really wants is to just return home, inherit his master’s forge, and justwork on his projects in peace.

MoranaFreedom. She wants to be free fromTreznor’s brand, free from Mephisto’s deal constantly looming over her. Shedoesn’t want to be afraid anymore. She’d do quite a lot to get there, and thelines of just how far she’d go are getting increasingly blurry.

SurinaRevenge. She wants to killVethrel, and either clear her name or die during the battle. She’d go pretty damnfar for that, though she’ll avoid collateral damage if she can.

Keiji¯\_(ツ)_/¯ he just wants tohave a good time. Maybe lowkey die, just a little. For now, he just wants tolive the good life and get as far away from his old home as he can manage.

TanwenPeace. She just wants to be ableto stop fighting. To stop being in danger, to stop having to put her friends indanger. But she can’t do that as long as there are innocent civilians beingthreatened.

ValObedience. They want to serveTemperance best they can, to remain useful lest they be discarded. They’ll doanything to make sure that never happens.

TemperancePower. She wants to rule this cityfrom the shadow, to sink her claws into it until she can twist any events inher favour with a word. There are pretty much no limits as to how far she’llgo.

WhisperRecognition. She wants to be afamous hero, to have confirmation that she made the right choice by leaving.She thinks she might do some morally neutral things to get there, but when pushcomes to shove she would choose to protect people over hurting them any time.

RayaShe doesn’t really have any largegoals either. She’s content to live as a nomad, traveling where the wind takesher. She’ll occasionally chase down primal shrines if she catches wind of them,to make sure they are safe and to do what she can to honour and protect them,but it’s not a life goal for her.

44. What is their favourite season? Type of weather? Arethey good in the cold or the heat? What weather do they complain in themost? JayHe’s from a relatively northerntown, so he’s more used to the cold. Somehow, despite being used to working inthe heat, he still hates when the weather gets too hot.

MoranaShe’s actually quite glad theycame to Athas, as the hot desert weather is quite nice for her. She’ll startbundling up as soon as it gets somewhat cold, though she won’t complain aboutit (much).

SurinaSimilar to Morana, she’s quitefond of the dry desert heat. She’s far less fond of the cold of Cruinne-ce, butshe won’t complain about it. she just. steadily puts on more and more layers. Shelikes thunder storms though, as a lightning dragonborn it always makes her feelat ease.

KeijiHe’s impervious to temperature?? Noone understands. He can wear the same thing in basically any weathercircumstance. He’ll cover up more when the temperature nears zero, he’s notthat bad, but yea. it’s weird.

TanwenShe’s from a rather temperatearea, so any shift in temperature throws her off. She tries not to complainabout it (too much) but it does show.

ValIt depends on what they’re doing. Theylike clear skies when they return from missions, so they can see the stars. Anovercast sky and rain is often more useful though, as it limits visibility.

TemperanceShe likes some dramatic rain,especially since 95% of the time she can stay cozy inside while it happens.Temperature-wise, she’s better at dealing with hot weather than the cold, whichis something of a shame as Tergeste tends towards cold and wet.

WhisperShe does well in the cold, thoughif she knows someone well enough she also won’t hesitate to stick her ice coldhands under their shirt. She will complain about the heat, then remember heroesdon’t complain and shut up for a while, get fed up and complain, and repeatthat ad infinitum.

RayaShe loves thunderstorms. She loves feeling the energy crackle in the air, lovesthe displays of natural power. She gets cold easily, but when she does sheusually just shifts into something with a thick furcoat so she doesn’t have todeal.

46. Do they make a good first impression? Does theirfirst impression reflect them accurately? How do they introduce themselves?JayHe makes a pretty good firstimpression, unless you’re a noble. Then he comes off as far more suspiciousthan he usually is.

MoranaShe’s rather cold and distant whenshe first meets people, it takes her a while to warm up to them. Especiallyrecently, with everything that’s going on, she hasn’t really been welcoming tothe new party members.

SurinaHer introductions aren’t usuallyfriendly, but neither is she. So while the first impression isn’t necessarilygood, it’s also not wrong.

KeijiPolite and charming, for mostpeople. A side of snark if he doesn’t immediately need something from you, orif you seem like someone who could give back as good as they get. So yea no reallynot accurate in most cases.

TanwenFriendly and eager, she’s alwaysexcited to meet new people. Her introductions can be a tad awkward at times, asshe tends to forget social protocol, but it’s a pretty accurate reflection ofher.

ValDepends entirely on the target andwho they are at that moment.

TemperanceDepends on who she’s talking toand what she wants from them. Can range from intimidating/scary but hot as hellto a poster girl of good manners and friendly charm.

WhisperAwkward as a rule. She tries to be cool and make a good first impression, and almost always comes offas “trying too hard”. Which, to be honest, is a pretty good description of herso hey y’know

RayaWell first of all it depends onwhether you’re talking to her in her elven form or one of her animal forms.Uncomfortably long eye contact is a constant though, as is a pretty universallack of tact or manners. She doesn’t come off as unfriendly or hostile,necessarily, just really fuckin’ weird.

48. Do they enjoy any parties? If so what kind? Do theyorganise the party or just turn up? How do they act? What if they didn’t wantto go but were dragged along by a friend? (again for the college au)JayHe’s alright with parties. Hemostly goes when he knows at least some friends are going, but he’ll enjoyhimself even if it’s all strangers.

Moranano.

Rorik might be ableto drag her along to a party, but she’d be there purely for him.

SurinaNot a fan.

Keijiyes are you kidding me. He, Wyatt,Scytta and Sylta throw the best parties on campus. He’s made some of his bestbad decisions at parties, including the first time he hooked up with Wyatt.

Tanwenawkward bean. What’s she doinghere who invited her. She doesn’t really go to wild parties, but she’ll go withfriends or if Ghilli asks her to. She’ll have the most fun if she sticks withpeople she knows, though she can get by alright on her own for a while.

ValThey don’t really like partieswhere there’s a lot of alcohol present for personal reasons, so they tend toavoid those. They prefer just spending time with friends in a more calmenvironment.

TemperanceNot too big a fan, though she’llturn up occasionally depending on who’s there.

Whispershe tried a few times, when shejust started college. It didn’t go well for anyone involved.

RayaShe prefers more quietenvironments.

50. If they could only take one bag of stuff somewherewith them: what would they pack? What do they consider their essentials? JaySome of his tools, general supplies, a weapon. Also more sentimental things,like mementos of his family and friends.

MoranaHer ritualbook, basic survival tools, that kinda thing. Mostly practicalthings. She doesn’t carry around anything of particular sentimental value.

SurinaHer journal, which she startedkeeping back home so it still has notes about her old unit and her time inAthas. Other than that, her general adventurer’s kit.

KeijiHe doesn’t really have anypersonal items he’s particularly attached to, so yea his adventuring kit.

TanwenHer shield and armour both have Eldath’s holy symbol on them and they weregiven to her by a couple who took her in when she was very lost, so she’d definitelywant to keep those close. Also one or two very worn books she carries around withher. Beyond that, her adventuring kit.

ValA basic disguise kit, various different disguises, a few hidden weapons,their lockpicking set, some funds to potentially get them out of a stickysituation. Just things that might come in useful.

TemperanceThat’s a hard one for her, considering she isn’t an adventurer like theothers, and how much she relies on others. Her spellbook is definitely vital. Withthat, she can rebuild basically wherever.

WhisperAsp’s bow, the symbol of Bahamut her parents gave her before she left, theharpy feather from her first hunt. She has an old and worn prayerbook at thebottom of her pack that she’ll take out and thumb through on special occasions.

RayaOther than some basic tools, she’s set as long as she’s in a natural area. She doesn’treally carry any mementos with her, and nature will provide whatever she couldneed to survive.

#oc's #jay #morana #surina #keiji #tanwen #val #temperance #whisper #raya #good god #this is so fucking long #i'm so sorry for people on mobile #this was fun tho #some interesting questions #spitaverse burr #asks

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inklingpost · 7 years

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5 Years after my Daughters death—The Great March of January 21st

January 19th was the 5 year anniversary of our daughter’s death. I had plans for it. I had plans to get her footprint tattooed on my body. I had plans of lighting a candle. Plans of talking with Preston about it. But nothing this week really played out the way I originally had thought it might.

Because it was also the day the Obama’s were saying goodbye to the White House. A presidency that gave me health insurance despite preexisting conditions. Which saved us financially when everything went wrong in my pregnancy, and we were forced to face death. It gave us access to some of the best doctors I could have asked for. It fought for equality for our LGBTQ family. It was a presidency that met humans on a humane level and fought for us to be seen and treated as such, and tried to break down the process of dehumanization that has rooted itself in certain corners of our world. And we will be forever grateful to him for it.

And then, the next day he handed the White House over to Trump. Someone who wants to strip all of that good progress. Someone who has been dishonest regularly, loves to obfuscate stories, creates delusional realities that dehumanize almost everyone. Knows nothing about the circumstances of abortion, yet spreads lies about it anyway to prey on the uneducated. And worse, he’s given a voice to the bullies, the white nationalists, and he has incited violence, hate, and anger, racism, and disrespect for women. He encourages the divide, and has no plans to heal it.

“If you aren’t outraged, then you aren’t paying attention,” someone posted a photo of a sign that said this, and it perfectly sums up how I’ve felt for years.

The Trump presidency wants to get rid of Planned Parenthood. They make up new requirements for building codes and practice requirements just so they can shut them down and say they aren’t up to code, without even giving them a chance to adjust to the ridiculous codes. And by eliminating these resources for men and women, families like my husband and me, who may receive the worst news of their lives, that their baby they wanted so badly, who was a planned pregnancy, isn’t compatible with life, and that the mother’s life could be at risk too—those families may be at a loss for healthy care. For those who need Planned Parenthood when they don’t have good health insurance, they will either be stripped the resources they need or in a best case scenario, we will fight for their resources, but they may have to travel really far to get what they need.

Here’s the thing that gets me riled up about laws on abortion now that I didn’t understand before we were faced with having to foresee terminating a pregnancy in our second trimester: you interfere with our personal grief process. And the reason I never saw it before was because that is not the conversation people focus on. It’s much easier to dehumanize the experience, cling to simple stories of possible regret, or seeing termination as a form of birth control (which even if that is the case, it’s still none of our business as a country intervention). People love that. They love to feel self righteous and exclude the majority and cling to a minority of tales to reinforce their own discomfort. The stories that should be shared are the personal ones. The ones shared by people who actually go through it in real life.

I remember after our loss, I was grateful to have worked with one of the kindest souls I’ve ever encountered who happened to be our doctor. I was grateful that we had insurance that covered him and the hospital. My cousin shared a story about a friend of hers who miscarried, and she and her husband went to a Planned Parenthood for the d&c, and they had to walk through protesters who yelled at them that they were baby killers. Their baby had already died! And then they had to deal with these hateful, ignorant words being thrust upon them. No one should have to go through that. Ever. Words of judgement and hate will not accomplish anything but more wounds.

A lot of what we went through is really personal, and I don’t necessarily want to keep sharing it or rehashing it. But when we lost our daughter, we made vows to each other that we would live our lives for her because she couldn’t live. And that includes sharing her story and helping change the conversation to help other families like ours who find themselves in very unexpected life changing events. And with Trump as president, who wants to endanger the lives of other mothers, possibly leaving husbands and children without wives and mommas, it is personal, and we have to fight for what is right…because that is the world we would have wanted her to live in, and it is the world we want our son to live in.

When we sat down with our doctor, he was gentle. He said, “I’m one of 2 doctors in LA who does this, and I know it’s not something just anyone can do, and I feel a duty to help because I can. I know this is the worst moment of your lives, and hopefully ever that you will experience, so I’ll be upfront about everything and answer all your questions.” He understood us. He saw this was a very raw human experience, and he handled us with respect, gentleness, and grace. When we asked for her footprint and handprint, he ordered a kit right away to have waiting for him at the hospital. He said no one had ever asked for that, and I’m not surprised because you are in such shock, you don’t know what you might want. But I do hope that because of us, he will offer it to more couples. He saw us as humans, as parents trying to do our best, and he knew his work with us would always be remembered.

Our main question was, why weren’t the signs noticed sooner? Why had we been told it was the perfect pregnancy up until now, and then crushed with a laundry list of everything that is actually wrong? If a doctor sees ultrasounds every day all day long for his whole career, why wouldn’t he notice sooner something obvious like a hole in her heart, or concern about the due date changing because of lack of growth? If I barely had enough amniotic fluid, why didn’t that get noticed? If her limbs were freezing up, why didn’t he notice the movement was abnormal? Why weren’t we sent to a perinatologist until the window of 18-20 weeks of pregnancy…why is that the normal practice? Why is that the normal practice, and then by law you can’t terminate a pregnancy past say, 21 weeks or 24 weeks? It’s such a small window to be hit with tons of information, of crushing your dreams, PTSD, and tearing your heart apart. You face instant grief, shock, and then have to navigate this unknown space that turns your world upside down. You wait as the weeks go by, you wait for more tests, and then test results, and see your child die a slow death as you wait, while limbs freeze up until she can’t move. You live with fear that any day your body could fail you. That it feels like it already did fail you. That there is absolutely nothing in your human power that you can do to save your baby, and it feels wretched.

We took time to say our good byes, taking trips to all our favorite places in town that we knew we wouldn’t get to take her since her only time with us would be in utero. And sometimes the only way to ensure a possible healthy next child, or ensure your own health and life, is to say goodbye to this being you’ve grown to love so much, but you hate to see her suffer any longer because of your selfish longings to keep her around. And it is your only real option—because the only thing that is certain is death…you just get to choose which option of death you want.

And it breaks you. It breaks your spirit. It breaks your heart. It feels like it breaks your body. It’s like you wake up, see your face in the mirror and you think you recognize the person you see, but then it shatters, explodes, and at the end of that same day you can’t ever find all the pieces to put it back together again…no amount of glue can help, some pieces just end up in the waste basket, and when you look again, you aren’t sure if you recognize the person reflected back anymore.

Our doctor couldn’t really speak for the other 2 physicians we’d seen, but essentially offered up that general practice for regular gynecologists is to do the routine visits by the book, and assume all is fine until otherwise stated.

This is personal. Laws should not interfere with your grief. They should not interfere with your emotional ranges of PTSD when facing circumstances like this. If we had wanted to take one more week with our daughter to travel a little longer, if my body was holding up ok under surveillance, it shouldn’t be dictated by random dates selected by congress determining our time frame for ending a pregnancy. And if couples are facing these same terms and risks and are forced to rely on illegal practices to fit their emotional needs for their state of grief, then it becomes even more dangerous. Making laws about termination of pregnancies should never happen. It should be left up to professional doctors who are well versed in all issues, who can work with patients who are experiencing something very traumatic. It should be a customized treatment plan between patient and doctor—because every single case, even if a similar diagnosis, is very, very different and should be treated for the human experience that it is. Any other practice is harmful, and offensive, and an unnecessary argument to be having. Stop wasting everyone’s energy trying to control people, and start assuming we are all adults who can make well educated adult decisions for ourselves about our health care. People love criticizing the helicopter parent…but that’s what our government is trying to be right now.

So, my grief feels heavier this week. 5 years feels like forever ago, but it also feels like a really fresh wound too at times…especially times like this that make us relive the hateful words we experienced around our daughter’s death. The words we had to deal with when all we wanted to face were our facts of circumstances, and our limited days with our daughter while we still had her to say our good byes. Words that stole so much from us that we will never get back. Ever. Words that still rear their ugly heads, and that I know are cancerous, and that I know I’m not alone in hearing. Words that are naive, harmful, dangerous, pompous, condescending, uneducated, and foolish. But mostly, the common denominator I see is this: they are rooted in disconnection.

Words like, “have you tried prayer?” “Doctors can be wrong” second hand tales of “We wish she’d carry out the pregnancy” (even though they knew nothing of our circumstances), “Mother’s do not let other people harm their children,” “It would be a disservice if I did not say this” “Do not do evil unto others,” “I know what you are going through, I miscarried at 7 weeks.” “You will regret this in a year,” “I hope you aren’t mad at me for saying this.”

Yes, I am mad at you for saying these things.

Once uttered, they reveal the inability to empathize. They reveal the lack of life experience. The show a discomfort with real life events when the shit hits the fan, and they cower behind known phrases to comfort themselves, not me—the hurting person—and in just a couple seconds they disconnect, offer no opening of the heart, and off they go, a distance in their voice, you hear them leave their soul.

For the record, a perfect response would be, “I don’t know what you are going through, but it must be awful. Can I just sit with you, we don’t have to talk, and if you aren’t ready to sit with a friend, can I check in later to see if you are ready as the months go by?”

People really fear feeling uncomfortable. And death is certainly not a normal place for comfort, so they go through life, disconnecting from it, and then dehumanizing the experience to create a story in their heads that makes them feel better about justifying that discomfort. And rather than getting to know that discomfort by interacting with people in the thick of it…they go preach their false stories to gain traction and community with their falsehoods. And when it gets out of control, and real life repeatedly tugs at them that they might be wrong, that they might not know…they double down and try to make laws with the false justifications. All in an effort to stay disconnected and attempt to comfort themselves when they see their reflection in the eyes and stories of others.

The best advice we got after our daughter’s death was from my brother in law, Michael. He said it simply, “Don’t tell yourself things that aren’t true.”

The lack of support we received when we faced the worst days of our lives was truly astounding. There was a handful of people who were truly amazing as well, and we always talk about their kindness and try to remember that association with her death as much as possible. But what shocked us was that no one from any church reached out and went out of their way to say, hey, those unkind hateful words said to you were outrageous, appalling, and fucked up…I hope you know your emotions are safe around me even though I go to church.

Instead, there was a lot of silence, and when there were words, we were met with things like, “People have experienced worse” “At least you are young” “You can try again” “We are praying for you” “Everything has a purpose…things happen for a reason,” “One day you will look back and laugh at all this” (Actual last words said by my gynecologist).

I looked him square in the eyes, “I will NEVER laugh about any of this.”

The lack of outrage that we saw then when we experienced these cruel words, we see now too as the same people seem complacent about the new Trump presidency. More than ever, you need to reveal yourself if you are safe. Because if you aren’t outspoken about it, and especially if you are part of a church (because the church has been a huge vehicle for the poison, and are the least compassionate group I’ve ever encountered despite their talk of compassion and the message of Jesus), we can’t assume you are safe. If you are ok with this presidency or voted for it, this is a problem. You are helping endanger lives.

And it is unacceptable.

The 21st of January, men, woman and children globally marched in protest for humanity.

I had friends marching in Sweden, Canada, and across America in various states.

They marched for women, sure, but they marched for human decency for all. But on a very personal level, they marched for me, for my husband, for our daughter, and our son. And they publicly stood up with outrage to the rest of America, the rest of the world, the leaders of churches, the extended family who voted for this man of hate, or who at least didn’t vote against it. They stood up for us when we couldn’t, they stood beside us in the millions and said, we see you, we love you, and we will not accept this. We will fight beside you.

And I’m so forever grateful and moved by the numbers of all who gathered to stand up for families like mine. When all I could do was cry at home watching a live feed from my phone with my grief and trauma, I felt completely inspired, and strengthened by your embodiment. You stood for what is right, showing the human experience as raw and complicated, and it varies among individuals. You showed that connectedness is what will bring humanity back from this dark place. You spread your light and walked in the cold to bring warmth in numbers. And for the first time, I got to really see how not alone we really are. What a gift this march was for us this week. Seeing how many people will fight alongside us for what is good and what is right.

We thank you from the deepest parts of our wounded hearts. Thank you for showing us how many safe people there are in America and around the world. Thank you for the connectedness.

#prochoice #nastywoman #stillwithher #notmypresident #plannedparenthood #womansmarch #whyimarch #yolo #pregnancyloss #babyloss #womensrights #imwithher #feminist #feminism

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