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chaakjigar · 3 years

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Tera Johar He Noori, Paak Hai Tu

Farogh-e-Deeda-e-Aflaak Hai Tu

Tere Saidhe Zaboo Aa-Farishta-o-hoor

Kay Shaheen-e-Shahe Lo-Laak Hai Tu

The crux of your creation is Noor (light), You are pure

Heavenly eyes want to see your progress

Angels and Beautiful Maidens are for you

You are an Eagle of God's Beloved (Shah) the owner of lo-laak (realm where no one can go)

Hakimi Nay Musalmani Khudi Ki

Kalimi Ramz-e-Pinhani Khudi Ki

Tujhe Gur Fakr-o-Shahi Ka Bata Doon

Ghareebi Mein Nigehbani Khudhi Ki

Wisdom is when Khudi reaches climax and becomes Muslim

Hidden secret to Khudi is when one can start talking with God

Let me tell you the secret of poverty and richness

In poverty you be guardian of Khudi

Dyar-e-Ishq Mein Apna Maqaam Paida Ker

Set your own standard in the realm of love!

(Create a place for thyself in the realm of love;)

Zindagani Hai Sadaf Qatra-e-Nesa Hai Khudhi

Woh Sadaf Kya Ke Jo Qatre Ko Gohar Ker Na Sakay

Life is like an Oyster Seashell, Khudi is a droplet of irritant

What's the worth of an Oyster Seashell? If it cant create a Pearl from an irritant

(Foreign irritants stimulates nacre production within Oyster Seashell to create a Pearl)

Ho Agar Khudnegaro, Khudgaro, Khudgeer Khudi

Yeh Bhi Mumkin Hai Ke Tu Mout Se Bhi Mar Na Sakay

If Khudi is under these qualities "Self vigilance", "Self molding", "Self Critical"

Then Its possible that even death cant kill you

Dyar-e-Ishq Mein Apna Maqaam Paida Ker

Set your own standard in the realm of love!

(Create a place for thyself in the realm of love;)

Khudi Ki Jalwatoon Mein Mustafai

Khudi Ki Khalwatoon Mein Kibriai

Zameeno Asmano Arsh-o-Kursi

Khudi Ki Zud Mein He Saari Khudai

When Khudi is apparent then its Prophet-hood

When Khudi is hidden then its Divine

Earth, Skies, Heaven and Throne

Way to God is in the grip of Khudi

Deikh, Apna Maqaam Paida Ker

Look!...Set your own standard

Tere Seene Mein Daam He, Dil Nahi Hai

Tera Daam Garmian Mehfil Nahin Hai

Guzar Ja Aqal Se Agay, Ke Yeh Noor

Charagh-e-Raah He Hai, Manzil Nahin Hai

In your chest is heartbeat, but no passion no emotions

Your heartbeat is not capable to stir up or warm-up the congregation

Go beyond the realm of logic, that this light (Noor)

Is a light to a path, but its not final destination

Deikh, Apna Maqaam Paida Ker

Look!...Set your own standard

Phir Charagh-e-Lala Se Roshan Hoay Koh-o-Daman

Mujh Ko Phir Naghmon Pe Uqsanay Laga Murgh-e-Chaman

Apne Mun Mein Doob Ker Baja Suragh-e-Zindagi

Tu Agar Mera Nahi Banta Na Bun... Apna To Bun

Then, Tulips Blossoming have brought life to Mountains and Valleys

Seeing this scenery and Birds singing; its tempting me to sing as well

Dive within yourself and find the secret of life

If you dislike following me, then don't! but at least listen to your own self

Mun Ki Dunya Mun Ki Dunya Sooz-o-Masti Jazb-o-Shouq

Tan Ki Dunya Tun Ki Dunya Sood-o-Sauda Makr-o-Fun

Mun Ki Doulat Haath Aati Hai To Phir Jaati Nahi

Tan Ki Daulat Chaaon Hai Aata Hai Dhan Jata Hai Dhan

Inward world is feelings-emotions, and passion-interests

Outward world is bargain-dealings, and deception-art

When one attains inward wealth then one never looses it

Outward wealth is like a shadow, Money comes and goes

Mun Ki Dunya Mein Na Paya Mein Ne Afrangi Ka Raaj

Mun Ki Dunya Mein Na Dekhe Mein Ne Shaikh-o-Brahman

Paani Paani Ker Gayi Mujh Ko Qalandar Ki Yeh Baat

Tu Jhuka Jab Ghair Ke Agay Na Mun Tera Na Tan

In inward world I don't find the throne of Britishers

In inward world I didn't find Sheikhs nor Brahmins

This message of saint made me humble and brought humility

When you protest in front of others you lose both inner and outer world

Abb to, Apna Maqaam Paida Ker

At least Now!...Set your own standard

Nahin Tera Nashemen Qasr-e-sultani Ke Gumbat Per

Tu Shaheen He Basera Ker Paharon Ki Chatano Mein

Your abode is not on the domes and palaces of sultans

You are an Eagle, traverse and dwell through the heights of mountains

(You were not made to take things lightly and relax, you were made to face challenges head-on and overcome them)

Apna Maqaam Paida Ker

Set your own standard

Khudi Mein Gum He Khudai, Talaash Ker Ghafil

Yehi He Tere Leyee Abb Salah-e-Kaar Ki Raah

Hadith-e-Dil Kisi Darwaish Bay-Qaleem Se Pooch

Khuda Kere Tujhe Tere Maqam Se Agah

Path to God is hidden in Khudi, Find it! Oh the one who has neglected

This is now the way of your salvation and reawakening

Ask the one who has achieved contentment about situation of his heart

I pray that God makes you aware of your true status

Apna Maqaam Paida Ker

Set your own standard

Nigah-e-Fakr Mein Shaan-e-Sikandri Kya Hai

Khiraj Ki Jo Gadda Ho Woh Qaisri Kya Hai

Buttoan Se Tujh Ko Umeedain Khuda Se Na Umeedi

Mujhe Bataa To Sahih Aur Kaafri Kya Hai

In the eyesight of Fakr (contentment) what is the glory of Alexander?

What is that Cesar? Who is begging and is in need of taxation from his subjects

You have tied your hopes with Idols, and from God you have no hope or expectations

Tell me!! what could be more infidelity/disbelief than this?

Faqat Nigah Se Hota He Faisla Dil Ka

Na Ho Nigah Mein Shokhi To Dill Barri Kya Hai

Kise Nahin He Tamana-e-Sarwari Laikin

Khudi Ki Moat Ho Jis Mein Woh Sarwari Kya Hai

Only! Just Through eyesight a decision of heart is made

But if eyesight doesn’t have sharpness then what is the value of power of attraction

Who doesn’t yearn for superiority, leadership, upper status? But

What is superiority, leadership, and upper status if it means that your Khudi is dead in the process?

Apna Maqaam Paida Ker

Set your own standard

Khudhi Ko Ker Buland Itna Ke Her Taqdeer Se Pehle

Khuda Bande Se Khud Pochay Bata Teri Raza Kya Hai

Raise your rank so high that before destiny is decided

God himself asks you "What is your Will?"

Apna Maqaam Paida Ker

Set your own standard

Galla To Ghoant Dia Ahl-e-Madrassa Ne Tera

Kahan Se Ayae Sadda La Ilah Ill Lallah

The inhabitants of madrassah have choked your throat

Now from where will come the voice of La Ilah Ill Lallah?

Apna Maqaam Paida Ker

Set your own standard

Her Shay Musaafi Her Cheez Raahi

Kya Chand Tare Kya Murgh-o-Maahi

Everything is traveling, on a journey; everything is bound to perish

What moon? What birds?

Kuch Qadar Apni Tu Ne Na jaani

Yeh Be-Sawaadi Yeh Kam Nigahi

Peere-Haram Ko Daikha Hai Mein Ne

Qirdar Be-Soaz Guftar Wahi

Some of it is your fault; that you have not yet realized your value

This life void of spark and purpose, This lack of foresight and under sightedness

I have seen the guardian of Harem (referring to vast majority of Mullah and clergy)

In character there is no attraction, and speech is useless vain talk

Daikh…Apna Maqaam Paida Ker

Look!....Set your own standard

Dil-e-Toor-e-Seena-o-Faaraan Do Neem

Tajali Ka Phir Muntazir He Qaleem

Musalmaan He Tawheed Mein Garam Joash

Magar Dil Abhi Taak He Zunaar Poash

Cut open is the heart of Sinai and Faran,

And Moses waits for a renewed appearance of God

Muslim passionately says that God is One!

But his heart is Still a heathen caught up in idol rituals:

Tamadun, Taswauf, Shariat, Kallam

Buttaan-e-Ajam ke poojari tamamm

Haqeeqat Khurafat Mein Kho Gayee

Yeh Ummat Rawaiat Mein Kho Gayee

In culture, mysticism, canon law, And dialectical theology

He worships idols of non-Arab make.

The truth has been lost in absurdities,

And in traditions is this ummah rooted still.

(The truth was lost in trifles, vain disputes

And the nation was lost in conventions and traditions)

Daikh, Apna Maqaam Paida Ker

Look!....Set your own standard

Lubhata He Dil Ko Qalam-e-Khateeb

Magar Lazzat-e-Shoaq Se Be-Naseeb

Bayan Uss Ka Mantak Se Suljha Hooa

Lughat Ke Bakheron Mein Uljha Hooa

The speaker’s (Khateeb-Mullah) rhetoric is Enchanting,

But is devoid of passion

His speech is clothed in neat logic

But lost in a maze of words

Woh Sufi Ke Tha Khidmat-e-Haq Mein Mard

Muhbat me Yakta; Hamiat Mein Fard

The sufi, was unique in the love of truth,

Unique in the love of God, and in devotion

Ajam Ke Khialiat Mein Kho Gya

Yeh Saaliq Maqamat Mein Kho Gya

Bujhi Ishq Ki Aag Andhair He

Musalmaan Nahin Raakh Ka Dhair Hai

He got lost in foreign ideas

He was lost in the hierarchic ranks

The fire of love is extinguished

Muslim is no more he is a heap of ashes

Apna Maqaam Paida Ker

Set your own standard

Shrab-e-Kohan Phir Pila Sa Kia

Wohi Jam Gardish Mein La Sa Kia

Mujhe Ishq Ke Pur Laga Ker Ura

Meri Khaq Jugnoo Bana Ker Ura

O Saqi (O God's Beloved)! Give me the old wine again(Intoxication of Tawhid)!

Let the potent cup go round!

Let me soar on the wings of love

Make my dust bright and fly

Hari Shaakh Millat Tere Num Se Hay

Nafas Iss Badan Mein Tere Dam Se Hai

Tarapne Pharakne ki Taufeeq De

Dil-e-Murtaza Soaz-e-Siddiq de

You are the one that can provide nourishment to this nation

You are the one that can sustain it

Make them alive, restless, stir them shake them up

Give them Ali’s heart; give them Siddiq’s passion;

Jiggar Se Wohi Teer Phir Paar Ker

Tamana Ko Seeno Mein Bedaar Ker

Tere Asmanoo Ke Taroan Ki Khair

Zameeno ke Shab Zinda-Daron Ki khair

Let the same old love pierce their hearts;

Awaken in them a burning zeal, will, determination;

Let the stars throw down their spears,

And let the earth’s dwellers tremble

Jawanao Ko Soaz-e-Jigar Baksh De

Mera Ishq Meri Nazar Baksh De

Give the young a passion that consumes;

Give them my vision, my love of God;

Apna Maqaam Paida Ker

Set your own standard

Dyar-e-Ishq Mein Apna Maqaam Paida Ker

Naya Zamana Nayae Subho Shaam Paida Ker

Create a place for thyself in the realm of love;

Create a new age, new days and nights.

Khuda Agar Dil-e-Fitrat Shinaas De Tujhko

Sukoot-e-Laalaa-o-Gul Se Kalaam Paida Kar

Mein Shaakh Taak Hoon Meri Nazar He Mera Samar

Mere Samar Se Naye la-lafam Paida Ker

If God grants you a heart of nature that can understand nature (fitrah),

Create poetry(talking Kalaam) from the silence of Tulips and roses.

My ghazal is the essence of my life-blood,

Create thy elixir of life out ��of this essence.

Mera Tareek Ameeri Nahi Faqeeri Hai

My ways are not wealth but poverty (contentment),

Na Momin He Na Momin Ki Ameeri

Raha Sufi Gayee Roshan Zameeri

Khuda Se Phir Wohi Qalb-o-Nazar Maang

Nahin Mumkin Ameeri Be Faqeeri

Neither there is a Muslim (Believer) nor his power/wealth remains;

The Sufi has outlived his radiant soul;

Ask God for the heart and soul of men of the past (righteous generations),

Become a fakir (contentment), first! to regain your lost power/wealth.

Mera Tareek Ameeri Nahi Faqeeri Hai

Khudi Na Baich Ghareebi Mein Naam Paida Kar

My ways are not wealth but poverty (contentment),

Do not sell selfhood, create honor in poverty.

(My way of life is poverty (contentment), not the pursuit of wealth)

(Barter not thy Selfhood; win a name in adversity)

Dyar-e-Ishq Mein Apna Maqaam Paida Ker

Naya Zamana Nayae Subho Shaam paida ker

Create a place for thyself in the realm of love;

Create a new age, new days and nights.

-Allama Iqbal

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dansnaturepictures · 4 years

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4/10/20-A red day with red fly agaric mushroom, Lesser Redpoll and Red Deers as well as a Muntjac Deer on a New Forest walk from Blackwater and autumn leaves and House Martins at home this evening

As the rain stayed falling today compared to yesterday when it stopped as the day went on we did a walk from Blackwater in the New Forest and back taking in woodland and some more open areas. I took the first, sixth and eighth pictures in this photoset on the walk some quite atmospheric which I’ve always found Blackwater and the area around it where we walk good for especially on rainy days with lots of autumn leaf scenes nicely coloured again too. My Mum had been lucky to see some Red Deers here this week. So even if it was wet I wanted to come today to see if I could see them. As we are attempting to go to Bushy Park soon to do our usual visit to there and Richmond Park during the Red Deer rut not doing Richmond this year as it attracts more people just about I feel in current circumstances having to take this into account. We did think of doing it yesterday but thought it may be a bit wet in the end it turned nice here but I don’t know what it did in London. We are aiming now to go next Saturday unless Covid travel or any other restrictions prevent us going to a park on the outskirts of London. We’ll be socially distancing at all times anyway. But in case we didn’t I felt like coming here to try and see the Red Deers and also I have not seen them in the New Forest a strong local area for this iconic species nearly enough over the years so it was a chance to see them here.

As we walked out in the rain the first bits of the walk were a red walk as I was delighted to come across our first red fly agaric mushroom of the year my favourites and what made me like mushrooms that had not been knocked over as we saw some uprooted ones last Sunday at Fleet Pond. Today we saw one not flat and small and the other big and flat and I loved seeing them and studying their bright colour and markings and taking pictures. Always a big highlight of my autumn seeing these. I took the second picture in this photoset of the small one.

With not so many birds seen on the walk by this point early on it changed as I was delighted to spot a finch on the path. When looking at it in the binoculars I found it was a Lesser Redpoll and we saw it on the ground for a bit. A very special bird for me to see here. Until February I had only ever seen them at two places most usually Blashford Lakes the nature reserve with a woodland hide and sets of bird feeders on the outskirts of the New Forest until I saw some at Pig Bush in the New Forest for my first of 2020. So that’s twice in a year I have seen them in the open forest it just feels satisfying seeing nice finches out in the wild and not on feeders for a change whilst I love seeing them up close on feeders, a bird I didn’t even see in 2018 so I feel happy to have used the area to catch up with them this year and it was one of my birds of the weekend today as I really enjoyed making out its beautiful markings and lovely red bit on the head for a bit. I took the third picture in this photoset of the Lesser Redpoll.

As we walked on we stepped away from red when we saw a minute deer on the edge of the undergrowth next to the path. We were thrilled to see it was a beautiful Muntjac Deer. It was a brief look as ever of this shy, cute and fascinating mammal but I loved seeing it. My third ever one after one in 2008 at Rutland Water and there again last August when there for the Bird Fair so my first ever in Hampshire and outside of Rutland Water. Its always a special wildlife moment to see them I was so happy to see it. What made it even more special is that it now means I’ve seen all six deer species found in the wild in Britain this year. This comes after alongside roe, fallow, sika and red this year I saw my first ever Chinese Water Deer at RSPB Titchwell Marsh in Norfolk last month I did remark at seeing all six in my life then but never did I image I would see a Muntjak this year! A great moment. And all of those mammals have helped my mammal year list onto 17 my second highest ever total now after last year’s 18. Two of my year lists along with butterflies will end as my second highest ever this year last year all four of the year lists I keep were my highest ever so with the obvious challenges and not being important in scheme of things this year two personal second places I am pleased with.

We then moved on and did get a view of a female Red Deer in the woods in front of a fence which I took the fourth picture in this photoset of, then a stag with the nice antlers and a female on the path which I took the fifth picture in this photoset of and then we walked around a bit and saw the first female with another the other side of the fence from another angle I took the seventh and ninth pictures in this photoset of. This was an amazing few moments spent with these iconic mammals and one of my favourites. I really did love seeing them and spend some precious moments watching them today. One of the best wildlife moments in the autumn seeing Red Deers during the rut and I loved watching them today. I really was so captivated by them and it made me smile so much to see some majestic Red Deers. A species I adore.

So this meant if restrictions tighten in the next week and we cannot make it to Bushy Park or beyond in October, just like the Ring-necked Parakeets the other stars of those places which I have seen literally at home the past few weeks, I have had an amazing experience fairly (at a safe distance for them and us) close by. Richmond and Bushy Park in the rut for people like us that do perhaps more general wildlife watching and photography walks going after lots of things and whatever we may find whilst we might go to a place specifically for a species we may not spend all day looking at it or get up early often has over the 10 years now been invaluable for us because you go there and you can so easily see them in the rutting season in a fairly confined area in a city. So that’s a big part of why I love it going there getting so many photo opportunities here with the deers. But I have long known the vast and our beloved and local New Forest alongside the Fallow Deers I fell in love with here have Red Deers, for us it was just finding them which we’ve done better at as the years have gone on. So it felt fantastic getting an experience with Red Deers in the New Forest and really being able to celebrate this species in this strong place for it. Alongside the Muntjac, the redpoll and the fly agarics today I just found myself feeling very proud of and happy at seeing iconic New Forest species and so proud of the amazing area I am so lucky to call my area.

When home I took the tenth and final picture in this photoset of autumn leaves out the front of the house. As we saw something else red, a red card for Manchester United my football team as we sadly lost 6-1 to Tottenham Hotspur, we were thrilled to see some birds flying almost right into the window and back out at the front of the house. We soon realised they were House Martins and we got stunning views of a large group all flying extremely close to the window. Such beautiful and well coloured birds. This was exactly what I had in late May out the back which I loved and today it was brilliant to see them so well again. A nice potential last experience with them before they migrate back to Africa this a regular group I have loved seeing at home and Lakeside this spring and summer and even into autumn now. Bringing to an end another fantastic weekend of wildlife, views and photos I’ve done and seen so much on two relaxing days off again. Thanks for your support this weekend.

Wildlife Sightings Summary on the Blackwater walk: My first Muntjac Deer of the year, one of my favourite mammals the Red Deer, Grey Squirrel, Lesser Redpoll, Treecreeper, Coal Tit and Carrion Crow.

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vampirekinn · 2 years

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i need to go to ikea soon, i miss their meatballs.... köttbullar med pommes mmmmmmmmm

#fly agaric #meatballs w fries from ikea my beloved. (+ brown sauce) UGH its so good. i shld sleep

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kaen-ace-of-diamonds · 6 years

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Inseparable

Word Count: 4000+ (oneshot)

(AO3 Link) (FF.Net Link)

Genre: Hurt/Comfort/Romance

Pairing: Hakuei/Paimon

Summary: Expelled from her Vessel and returned to human form after the final battle, Paimon will still do her best to serve her beloved queen.

References events from my previous fics “Take Up My Sword,” “Where I Reign,” and “Solitary,” but it’s not necessary to have read those to understand this one. And, a few days late for the “hurt/comfort” day, but written for Magi WLW Week! @magi-wlw-hq

~0~

“And I’m not alone...With the touch of your hand, I am whole again.”

- Not Alone, All That Remains

~0~

After three long years of solitary confinement, freedom from her Vessel had not come at all in the way that Paimon had imagined it would.

For instance, she had not expected that she would only be freed after all the fighting was over: all the fury of the storm that had been pent up over so long was now left with no place to be unleashed. Neither had she expected that she would awake to see the system she had been fairly comfortably placed in for a thousand years completely torn to shreds. And the world with it, though to be fair she’d never seen quite enough of it to be too fussed over its entirely swapped locations. It had been both thrilling and frightening, yes, to walk out from the ruins of Alma Torran into this new place. But she had known full well that that was what had to be, and it was a world of all their creation to boot.

This? This was entirely unfamiliar; even the original form she’d reverted back to felt too small and too flimsy. Too powerless. Unused to the earth beneath her feet again, unused to standing on her own two legs, skittering around as she got her balance...She wasn’t sure she liked it at all.

But then she lifted her head, and froze when she saw the one person that sent all the fear and doubt flying out of her body just as fast as they’d set in. Then all at once, she was sprinting as fast as these legs could carry her, at that spot of clarity in this mess of color and sound --

“Hakuei-chan!”

There was just enough time for Hakuei’s head to turn and her eyes to widen before impact. In immediate hindsight, Paimon thought maybe she should have slowed down a bit, feeling Hakuei nearly buckle and fall under the force of her embrace, emitting a distinct “Oof!” sound as the breath was knocked from her. But she couldn’t help it. The feeling of her queen at last, at last, safe in her arms again, was too overwhelming...She was safe, right?!

She pulled back just as quickly as she had come in, holding Hakuei by her shoulders and looking her up and down. Her mouth was moving without her thinking about it. “Are you all right? Are you hurt?! I don’t know how I ended up all that way away from you!”

Hakuei was blinking up at her, with more surprise and wonder in her eyes than there’d been the first time she’d seen Paimon, all those years ago in her treasure room. “It’s all right, Paimon, I’m fine. Don’t panic.”

Her voice was somewhat faint, but other than that, she seemed mostly undamaged. Which left room for something else to catch Paimon’s attention. She glanced down at herself: only an inch or three taller than Hakuei instead of towering over her, tan skin and brown hair instead of deep blue, and...Oh, thank heaven, she was wearing clothes. But still!

“You...You know who I am?” she blurted.

Hakuei smiled, albeit weakly. “Of course I do. Who else has ever called me Hakuei-chan?”

That sent a pleasant chill over Paimon’s newly thin skin. She was all ready to say more -- perhaps to address the worn and tired look she saw around her queen’s eyes -- but then Seishun and the Kouga clan, shaking off their surprise, had crowded around them, and she was quickly occupied with getting acquainted with them. Of course she knew all her sweet children, even if they were not technically her Household anymore, but they were not quite as familiar with her.

The Djinn were no longer Djinn, but they of course did not cease to exist when their Vessels were rendered powerless, instead were merely ejected from them and reverted to their original states. The majority, as she heard, elected to stay with their former masters, their bonds still holding strong. All of the Ren family’s had, anyway, as they returned to Rakushou together, even if there was some confusion in figuring out where they would belong from now on.

(The palace rumor mill informed her that all of Sinbad’s seven had, as well, lingering in Sindria and waiting for the return of their vanished master. She couldn't say she understood them, but she did find herself pitying them, still holding a candle for a fickle, traitorous thing like Sinbad.)

Vinea now resided in a lake that had conveniently sprung up near the shaken palace grounds, where she was happy to provide Empress Kougyoku with advice as needed -- very proud, she said, of how her little fledgling had grown. Zagan could usually be found annoying Prince Hakuryuu and his ex-Magi partner, contrasting Belial, who tended to keep his distance from the pair. Leraje still hung around Prince Kouha and his girls, smoking and scoping out potential mates, just like the old days. Kouha, as she'd heard, had been more than happy to officially add her to his loyal band of outcasts. Phenex spent her time fussing over Prince Kouen, trying to see what she could do to help him recover, while Agares and Astaroth joined Dantalion in helping the royal family with their efforts to restructure the country’s military and bureaucracy.

And here Paimon was, lingering around the palace with no clear purpose, not having spoken to Hakuei in weeks.

It wasn’t that she didn’t want to, not at all! She would spend every waking minute by her queen’s side if she could, it was just...she wasn’t certain if Hakuei felt the same way anymore. Not only had she made no effort to seek out Paimon, she seemed to be actively avoiding her, ducking out of the room and avoiding eye contact whenever they came close. She hadn’t heard the princess speak another word to anyone since her return, and the pallor of her face and the dark shadows under her eyes concerned Paimon deeply.

She had a decidedly unsettling suspicion of what could be causing her distress, so much so that she had felt the need to go get some confirmation.

“Seishuuuuun, what’s the matter with her? Have I done something wrong? Won’t she talk to anybody?”

“Well,” said Seishun, who was quite quickly getting used to Paimon flopping down on top of him. “I don’t think it’s about you, exactly. She’ll talk to us and to Hakuryuu a little, but she won’t really look us in the eye. After, um...everything that happened with her, I think she’s ashamed. And confused, probably. I think...Maybe just give her a little time? I’d go talk to her but I don’t want to hurt her or scare her any worse.”

Paimon sighed. That had sounded fair enough, though she did tell herself that if Hakuei did not respond within a week or if she started to look any worse, she would step in. But as it happened, she didn’t have to. That very night, she turned the corner to the branch family’s rooms (where she and Zagan had been situated as well) and there was Hakuei, dressed for bed but leaning against the wall beside her door, arms crossed and head turned down to the floor. She glanced up at the soft sound of Paimon's footsteps, and Paimon stopped in her tracks, heart sinking at how utterly miserable the poor woman looked.

“Paimon.” Her voice was still so quiet. “May I talk to you?”

Paimon blinked. “Yes...Yes, of course you can, what is it?”

“I...”

Hakuei trailed off. She turned around and went into her bedroom, gesturing to Paimon to come with her. Paimon followed her in and across the candlelit room, sitting down on the bed next to her. Hakuei looked determinedly down at the floor again, hands folded in her lap. She swallowed hard and bit her lip, as if trying to say something but not finding the words.

It cut Paimon down to the bone to see her like this: worn, exhausted, afraid, as if she'd been through an endless war with no respite. And she had, hadn't she? Arba’s laugh echoed in her head, and brought her own burning hate back with it. It was that witch’s darkness that had done this, forced itself inside Hakuei and drained her dry, with no one to protect her -- !

Another second and Paimon might have blurted something out, but Hakuei beat her to it. “Did you...know what happened to me? Before they told you.”

“...Yes, I did.”

“And you knew who it was.”

“Yes,” Paimon answered, with some surprise and more than a little dread. “Did...you?”

“No. I didn’t know anything until she told me. She was all too happy to boast.”

Paimon swore she felt herself go pale as she realized what that meant, and was too horrified by it to respond right away. So Hakuei continued, and with her next words, might as well have stabbed Paimon directly in the heart.

“Paimon, I’m sorry...” Hakuei’s head twitched, as if she wanted to look at Paimon but couldn’t make herself do it. “Were you angry at me? Do you hate me?”

She felt very abruptly as if she’d been dunked bodily into cold bile, and hoped that the slack-jawed stare she was giving Hakuei now wasn’t too off-putting.

“You thought...No!” Her sudden shout made Hakuei jump and look her her in shock, and she immediately regretted it but couldn’t stop the words spilling out of her mouth. “No, of course I’m not angry at you! And of course I don’t hate you! Wh-Why would you think that?!”

“I...She...She said you knew her. And because I was her daughter, y-you’d think I -- ”

“No, no, no, you stop right there.” Paimon scooted closer to Hakuei until their knees brushed together, looking directly into the younger woman’s eyes. “Listen to me. Whatever she told you, it was a lie, all right? Just a cruel, petty lie meant only to hurt you.”

“She said you felt it happen, when she took me. She felt your anger...” A sardonic huff came up from her throat. “You should have heard her screaming in rage, she said. About how I must have tricked you, I didn't believe her but she said things like that over and over, for so long, I -- “

“I said stop! Right now!” Paimon reached out to take Hakuei’s shoulders in her hands, gripping her tight, not bothering to hide the desperation on her face. “Yes, I did feel her take you, and yes, you should have heard me, because I was terrified out of my mind for you! All this time, she was right there next to you, right under all our noses planning to do those awful things to you, and I never knew until I heard you crying out and felt her forcing her way in, washing you away with all her -- ”

She choked on that, on the memory of that ice-cold evil overwhelming her. Before she knew it, her throat was closing up and Hakuei’s image was blurred by stinging tears. The only thing keeping her from breaking down was the feeling of Hakuei’s shoulders under her fingers.

“I wanted to come and save you, I swear to you, I did! But she, she threw my Vessel away, and I couldn’t get out, I tried so hard, but I couldn’t feel you at all, and I -- !”

She flinched in spite of herself when Hakuei’s hands flashed up to grab her wrists, holding on just as desperately as she was.

“It’s okay! It’s okay. I understand, I was just being paranoid, I-I...I was fighting too.”

It took Paimon a few tries to swallow the lump in her throat. “Y-You...were?”

“Yes. I...It was...so strange. In that place...And it was a place. Even Arba wasn’t sure where exactly. But I...She was in control, always. I was either someplace between asleep and awake, or awake but not able to do anything. I couldn’t see or hear outside for so much of the time, I could never move, but I...I...” Hakuei looked down at Paimon’s lap, and mumbled the next words. “In any case, it was Arba’s domain, that much she made clear. I was...”

Every word did things to Paimon’s insides she hadn’t thought possible, but she still found it in herself to speak. “You were awake, this whole time. I was praying that you were asleep, that you weren't afraid or in any pain. But she hurt you.”

It wasn't a question. Hakuei’s fingers trembled, and she clung tighter to still them. She took a deep, slow breath before answering. “Yes. She did, she was...doing everything she could to make me stop fighting for control back. To make me lie down and die, in other words. But I couldn't do that to any of you, I couldn't! Even if...Sometimes...”

Hakuei tried to go on, but only a shaky, nervous noise came out instead, that told Paimon very clearly that the conversation needed to veer in a completely different direction.

So, driven by her gut instinct, she threw her arms completely around Hakuei and pulled her in close for a hug. From the way Hakuei only stiffened in surprise for a second before relaxing into Paimon’s touch, giving a contented hum as she sank her head onto her chest...She knew that that must have been the exact right thing to do.

“You can tell me anything, you know,” she said softly. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, but...You’ve been so brave and so strong, but you’ve been all alone. I’m here for you now, is all I’m trying to say. Even if I can’t lend you any more power.”

“It did feel wonderful, to be bonded with you that way. I never felt more powerful in my life. But...If I’m really being honest, I think I prefer you this way.” Hakuei lifted her head slightly to look up at Paimon’s face, with a hesitant little smile as she took it in. “I never noticed until just now, but...Do you know, you have the most beautiful brown eyes I’ve ever seen?”

“O...Oh?” A startled Paimon blinked them several times, her stomach performing a series of impromptu backflips. She couldn’t tell whether it felt good or not, she reflected, as she ran a tentative hand over Hakuei’s loose hair. “Well...I never thought about that. The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen is you, after all.”

Hakuei laughed, but there was something hollow in it. The princess rolled over in Paimon’s arms, and she laid back against the pile of pillows to accommodate the new position. She looked down at her own robe-clad body with an an expression that Paimon couldn’t place, but that worried her.

“I don’t feel beautiful. When I look at myself, after everything she did, I...I expect to see myself...mangled. Torn apart. Stained with her handprints, everywhere she...” Hakuei gulped, turning her face back to Paimon’s shoulder. Paimon, for her part, thought she knew exactly what Hakuei was so unwilling to say, and it boiled her blood, but she forced herself to stay calm and attentive as Hakuei pressed her fingertips to her cheek...her now smooth and perfect cheek. “But there’s nothing, no proof I was ever hurt at all. And I can’t even say I’m exactly the way I used to be, either. My scars, she erased me, she took away my scars -- !”

She choked on the beginnings of a sob.

“A puppet. That’s what she called me. Not a soldier, she said, I was never born to be a soldier, just a pretty little puppet for her to use. She didn’t just take three years of my life. She didn’t just take my father, and my brothers! She took hold of me and tried to rip out and throw away everything I made of myself, a-and now I’m...I’m just this blank shell that’s rotten and empty on the inside, and there was nothing I could do to stop her, I couldn’t even free myself in the end -- !”

Hakuei broke off into tears, and Paimon held her closer, as if just holding her tight enough could extinguish every bit of her pain. “Shhh, shhh...It’s all right now. You are a warrior, with the strongest heart I’ve ever known. You fought her as hard and as long as you could, and you’re safe now, that’s what matters.”

“It’s...Everything she did, it’s all my fault...!”

“No, no, it’s not! It’s not. Hakuei-chan, believe me, if you fall into that trap of blaming yourself, you’ll never come back out. All of Alma Torran was tricked by her and ruined by her, and there was nothing any of us could do about it until it was too late!” Paimon bit her lip. These were not exactly memories she wanted to be reliving, either. “It’s shame and anger and betrayal that never leaves you, I’m sorry to say. What you’ve lost, you’re not going to get back. But you’ve got your life back now, even if it’s not what you knew before. So now you pick yourself back up and move on with it. You do whatever you can. And you can do it with the people who love you.”

“You make that sound so easy.”

“...No one blames you for what happened, you know. They understand. They know it wasn’t you doing any of it.”

Hakuei sighed, deep and weary. “Yes, I’m sure that, ‘she’s possessed by her ancient body-stealing mother who technically isn’t really her mother,’ was the first conclusion everyone reached when I started doing such terrible things.”

“But that wasn’t you.”

“No, it wasn’t. But it was my voice and my face and my form, and that’s just as bad. Seishun and Doruji told me, while they were explaining how long I was out, that it took a full year before Aladdin realized that I wasn’t me anymore. All of them felt that pain of someone they loved and trusted turning around and treating them like trash, for no reason at all. There’s no way around it, and I...I haven’t been able to face any of them yet. How can I?”

“Well, you just ask!” If the situation weren’t so serious, Paimon would have giggled. “You’ve done all right with me tonight, haven’t you?”

“Do you think so?”

“Of course I do! If you need me to be with you while you go to them, then I’ll be right there by your side. But it is something you need to do. You can’t keep avoiding your family forever. You want to be with them again, don’t you?”

“Yes...Yes, I absolutely do, I love them all more than anything, but I...I don’t know whether it can be the same anymore. They’ve kept me in the dark about so many things, for so long. I don’t know what Kouen or any of them really thought of me, and Hakuryuu...” She snorted. “Hakuryuu acts like everything’s just perfect now. But the last time we talked...He made it clear that he never fully trusted me, that there’s plenty he blames me for. He’s had time to move on from the way he used to be, that much is clear. And it makes me happy to see him, and proud, but...That was time that I lost. I’m still lost. And I don’t know where I am in my own family and my own home anymore.”

Paimon nodding, continuing to stroke Hakuei’s hair as she explained. “That’s not something I have an easy answer for, I’m afraid. The only thing to do for it is to brace yourself and take the plunge.”

“...Yes, I figured as much,” Hakuei admitted. “I suppose it is the obvious answer. But still...It scares me, more than it should.”

“To tell you the truth, they're just as nervous to talk to you. They're worried they'll accidentally hurt you more. They don't know how you're feeling, and they should. You'll all feel better once you've got everything out in the open.”

“It won’t be a one-and-done thing. This...This is going to take time.”

“That’s right. No one’s going to rush you.” Paimon paused. “I’ll make sure of it.”

“Arba told me so many things over the past three years. She had so many stories, so many tricks, it’s going to take so long just to parse out what was the truth and what was just another lie.” Hakuei swallowed hard. “I need to talk to Hakuryuu, if no one else. She taunted me about what she did to him, but she’d also laugh about how she could be lying about the...the worst things she talked about, and I...I just have to know what was going on. What nobody thought I could know.”

Paimon nodded, wishing fervently that she’d been paying more attention herself. Family discord, especially on the degree that royal families’ tended to escalate to, was not something she was well versed in. “We’ll put together what you want to ask about, and go from there, all right? We’ve got time now, no one’s going to hurt us anymore. The world’s feeling like a pretty friendly place lately, after all.”

Hakuei smiled at that, resting her head on Paimon’s shoulder. “That has been a relief. You know, I think that’s the part of all this that I’d like in my head before I go to sleep tonight.”

“Yeah, this seems like a nice place to break for the night,” Paimon agreed, glancing out the bedroom window at the golden full moon and stars. Those, at least, were still perfectly intact. She rolled over onto her side, taking an unresisting Hakuei with her. For a moment, she allowed herself to bask in the peace of the moment: in the dark and the quiet, wrapped in cool, soft silks and satins, with her beautiful queen safe and soothed in her arms. She would protect this peace, Paimon swore to herself, she would protect her queen with her own life.

“I’ve always found it best to sleep on things like this, anyway,” Hakuei murmured, snuggling up closer to Paimon, who wondered if Hakuei knew exactly how quickly that made her heart melt. “If you don’t mind...Would you keep doing that with my hair? It feels so nice.”

“Oh, I absolutely would not mind,” Paimon assured, stroking from the top of her head down to the back of her neck, slow and rhythmic.

“You know...” Hakuei smiled against Paimon’s collarbone, looking as if she’d like to laugh. “I used to keep you under my pillow. Your Vessel, I mean.”

At that, Paimon really did giggle. “Is that so?”

“Yes. If I’d wake up in the middle of the night, I’d just reach under and feel the feathers, the gold trim, and it would help me fall back to sleep. It was nice, knowing you were there even if I couldn’t talk to you.”

“Glad to be of service. Then and now.” With her free hand, Paimon gently traced the bruise-like shadows under Hakuei’s eyes. “You haven’t been getting much sleep lately, have you?”

Hakuei’s smiled faded, and she pressed her forehead against Paimon’s shoulder. “I...I dream of her. Every night I think I’m back with her. It’s...suffocating.”

Paimon leaned down to kiss Hakuei’s forehead, as she had the first time they’d met, without thinking. It felt like the most natural thing in the world to do, and Hakuei seemed to calm immediately. “It’ll be okay. I’ll keep every nightmare away from you. I’m here now, I’ll be here with you as long as you’ll have me.”

And just like that, the smile returned to Hakuei’s face. Her answer did not come in words; at least, not right away. Instead, she wrapped a hand around the back of Paimon's head, and moved to close the short distance between them and press her lips softly against Paimon's. Letting out a surprised and excited "Mmf?!" was pure reflex on Paimon's part, but then again, so was kissing back, deeply and lovingly.

When after what felt like forever and at the same time, nowhere near long enough, Hakuei pulled back and looked up at Paimon, her eyes shone. “Then I suppose you’ll be staying forever, then?”

In answer, Paimon turned around to blow out the single candle on the nightstand, and tugged the blankets over the two of them as she laid back down. She cuddled Hakuei close, their legs entwining under the thick, soft fabric, basking in the pure sensation of each other’s bodies. How long, she wondered, had she dreamed of this?

“That sounds just perfect to me.”

#magi wlw week #ren hakuei #paimon #magi #kaen's fics

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