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#for like the past year or so i have been really struggling with pms stuff and only once have i gone onto the pill to try and stave it off

rosinbae · 11 months

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attention ⋆ delinquent?

◜✧◞ PAIRING ─ kim taerae x male!reader

◜✧◞ SYNOPSIS ─ ever since he can remember, jang y/n has always had a crush on park hanbin. every other day he simply couldn't help but giggle and kick his feet at the sight of him, but now as his senior year begins, he finds his feelings for someone else, specifically his best friend kim taerae, to be much stronger than any feelings he could have had for park hanbin.

◜✧◞ LINKS ─ masterlist | previous | next

y/n knows how bad of a person others think he is.

he hears the whispers from the older people who live in the neighborhood, people say he's stuck up, a troublemaker, delinquent, all that nice stuff that he enjoys overhearing as he listens to jeonghyeon complain about his boring love life on the phone.

he stopped getting offended after a while, he learned how to get used to it.

ever since dad left, moms barely been home. she used to be able to work the morning shift but now she has to work from eight pm to six am as a nurse practitioner to make extra money for her two sons. when she is home, she's asleep due to having sleepless nights.

eunwoo constantly reminds him to not do anything which gets mom upset, says she's too stressed out with saving lives all night.

y/n constantly replies by saying he doesn't do anything that upsets mom, the only reason their relationship is strained is because of his sexuality, and his friends, and how she sent him to a summer camp instead of helping him when he went through his depressive episodes.

he loves his mom, he really does, but he struggles to have a good relationship with her after all that's unfolded these past few years.

he feels like he doesn't even know her anymore.

his mind wanders as his thoughts become much more depressing than usual, but he quickly snaps out of it when he hears jeonghyeon yell.

"please! you'd never!"

"oh i would!"

jeonghyeon and hanbin arguing is normal, y/n simply blinks and his eyes shift to the side. that's when jeonghyeon pushes his shoulder, making him yelp. "y/n!"

"huh, what?"

"think about this for a second" jeonghyeon starts. "taerae" he places his hands on said boy's shoulder. "and junhyeon" he finally states, and the older looks surprised by those words.

"junhyeon?"

"oh you two would totally be cute!" woonggi exclaims. "we have to set them up!" he jumps up in excitement, but taerae simply chuckles and shakes his head.

"i don't think so".

jeonghyeon immediately looks surprised when y/n says that, but taerae looks even more surprised at the words.

"i mean—" y/n pauses, laughing to himself as he tries to find a way to explain it. "they do look cute, but.."

"but?" jeonghyeon tilts his head, tightening his grip on taerae's shoulders, which makes the older one wince. "you disagree, y/n? i would love to hear your opinion on this pairing?"

jeonghyeon i am literally gonna kill you—taerae says with his eyes, and the lee simply giggles, nudging him with his elbow. "come on y/n, give taerae some advice".

y/n momentarily glanced to hanbin, who quickly covers his mouth to laugh. "well i— i just don't think they're that compatible, that's all".

y/n doesn't know what this weird feeling that keeps circulating around his stomach is. he has no kind of hatred towards junhyeon, he doesn't! he just doesn't know why he feels so weird about thinking about them as a couple.

it's not like taerae's his boyfriend or anything..

"oh?" jeonghyeon raises an eyebrow, and taerae quickly pushes his hands off his shoulders. "not that compatible huh?" he says to himself, giggling at a certain thought he was having.

woonggi looks between the two. from taerae to y/n, to y/n, to taerae again. "um" he presses his lips into a thin line. "seunghwan said he was gonna pick me up today so.. i kinda have to go".

"yeah i have to" hanbin pauses, looking as if he's searching for an excuse. "my mom told me to get home early! right jeonghyeon?" he grits his teeth as he grabs the younger's arm.

"what?" he asks, but then he makes an 'ah' face. "oh right! yeah! um.. were gonna make cupcakes!"

taerae narrows his eyes at the obvious lie, but he simply nods. "alright, bring us some".

"oh we will!"

"we totally will!"

hanbin drags jeonghyeon out of the room and the younger waves at him.

taerae blinks, taking off his glasses as he rubs his eyes. "look at us" he says, "getting an early start with our calculs tutoring".

"please go easy on me" y/n begs sarcastically, a small pout coming to his lips. he feels himself have a pain in his stomach when taerae pulls out a calculus textbook.

"can't make any promises".

taerae smirks and y/n just laughs.

it's only seven pm.

it's funny how a tutor session with taerae taught him more about calculus than his teacher ever has in a double period. his mind is drifting away as he walks home, completely forgetting all he did in his day because his only focus is getting home safely.

opening the door with his spare key, y/n almost immediately jumps when he sees his mother right in his face, standing there with a look of disappointed look on her face.

"hi mom" he says. he knows that stare, that stare which means she's gonna yell at him for something that he probably can't control or accuse him of doing something that he can't ever fathom doing. "everything okay?"

"y/n" she asks, taking in a deep breath. "it is seven o'clock, where the hell have you been?"

"at school!" he immediately says. "i went to school like normal and after school let out i went to the library to study".

"to the library?" she questions, as if she can't believe such words. "y/n, who spends four hours studying?"

"i was being tutored" y/n replies, he can't even believe that his mother would think he's lying, even after all the times he tried. "do you seriously not believe me? what else would i be doing?"

"i don't know y/n, what else would you be doing?" she asks accusingly, crossing her arms as she straightens her work uniform. "it's not like i know you anymore, you could be doing anything! probably hanging out with those stupid boys—"

"my friends aren't stupid!" y/n takes in a breath, realizing he'd yelled at his mom. "they're better than you, they actually care about my well being! do you think your being a good mother by accusing me of literal crimes? like you've done thousands of times before?"

"i'm looking out for you!"

"looking out for me? you don't do that! because your afraid i'm going to be like dad!"

his mother goes silent, taking in a deep breath as she covers her face with her hands. he was right, he knew he was by her unconventional silence.

"i'm just.. i'm going to sleep" he mutters, walking past his mother and running up the stairs.

he does slam the door to his room, obviously.

he's upset.

◜✧◞ TAGS (open):

@jinkiseason, @big-uwu-stan, @harus-simp, @zerobaseonefics, @hwangsm1le

#attention : kim taerae #kim taerae #zerobaseone #zb1 taerae #zb1 imagines #zb1 drabbles #zb1 scenarios #kim taerae x reader #kim taerae imagines

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olivetreehugger · 5 months

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introducing: dispatches from republic city

Hey any and all Bolin fans! I recently rewatched LoK and it reignited my love of this universe. About 10 years ago, I sort of latched onto a side character and shipped her with Bolin, but it never became anything until now. I have started writing this story, "dispatches from republic city" about Bolin and this side character, who I have named Tanana or "Nani" for short. I will place a link below for a separate post regarding this character and why I am shipping her with Bolin.

But for story's sake, I headcanon that Nani sounds like Susan Egan (she played Meg in Hercules and Rose Quartz in Steven Universe! Her singing voice is similar, but I also headcanon that she sounds like Annapantsu on Youtube-she's INCREDIBLE!). In the show, her height isn't well established, in some gifs she's the same height as the other girls, other times she is the same height as Tahno? So I'm dubbing her a solid 5'7, while Bolin started the show at a nice 5'8 and seems to have grown a bit taller? Just look at him compared to Mako in Book 4 and tell me he hasn't gotten taller! In my fic, he's 5'10.

anyways, moving on. This story takes place post-Book 4, but I've made some changes. I've always been a Makorra gal, don't get me wrong we love the gays in this house but frankly I never got the appeal of Korrasami. I won't get into why right now, I just always loved Makorra and that will never change. Oh, and call me bitter but in this world, Zuko and Katara got together *cough*. It really won't be mentioned, but it is my head canon and I'm sticking to it.

in this story, Mako and Korra have recently gotten back together, but the actual narrative doesn't focus on them too much. The story is strictly from Nani's perspective, with only one possible chapter dedicated to Bolin's POV. We'll see how it fleshes out!

See below for chapter one of "dispatches from republic city"!

dispatches from republic city

chapter one: once a wolfbat

rating: M for sex and violence, language and eventual S/A

The sound of the lunch gong split through the air like a cannon, just as Tanana barreled into the kitchen of Mama Chen’s Dumpling Joint. She hurriedly tied her apron around her waist.

She glanced up at the clock and winced. 15 minutes late!

Any minute now, Mama Chen would burst through the swinging door, ranting and raving about her repeated tardiness.

The scent of sizzling pork fat and vegetables wafted through the air, making Tanana’s mouth water. Her stomach growled knowingly. She hadn’t had single thing to eat today.

Slyly, she ducked past the fry cooks and swiped a bun from the platter next to them and stuffed it into her mouth so no one would see. She then glided towards the back of the kitchen, near the freezer, and spent a few quiet moments savoring her stolen meal.

This was now a daily routine. She’d work from noon until midnight—at least, that’s what her timecard would reflect. Tanana, or Nani, as she preferred--was usually at Mama Chen’s from about 12 pm to 2am the next day, spending an extra two hours clearing out the drunks, teenagers and straddlers while simultaneously helping to close for the next day. She would then stuff her bag with whatever leftovers (whatever she could hide, anyways), and walk to The Bookkeeper’s apartment where she stayed. She’d eat, leave the rest of in the ice box for the old lady, and then collapse wherever she could before waking up and starting the day all over.

All for two yuan a day, though if she charmed the right customer, she might get lucky and score a decent tip.

Ever since Kuvira’s mecha-weapon destroyed the downtown area, people moved in droves to the outer neighborhoods, meaning there was less of everything to go around-including work. For many, it was a struggle just to keep their heads above water. For Nani, it was an ice cold wake up call.

As she chewed and swallowed the rest of the salty dough, the brunette wiped a dribble of oil from her chin with the corner of her apron. Without missing another beat, she picked up a tray of discarded dirty dishes and began her work.

The mix of steam, oil, and body odor marinated in Nani’s hair and skin as she worked alongside the other unfortunates around her. She didn’t bother to learn their names, why would she? After all, Nani wasn’t here to make friends. And none of these people were “friend-material”, anyway.

They all seemed to have a silent agreement, though-as long as no one snitched on the other, they all kept to themselves.

Well, some of them did, anyway.

As another invisible fixture of the kitchen, Nani usually got a front row seat to the hushed confessions of the degenerates around her: the ones who cheated on their spouses, the ones who stole money from their parents to buy opium, the ones who got pregnant and left their babies in the woods.

Hearing such tantalizing gossip would leave a person reeling, bursting at the seams as they waited to regurgitate the story to another person, but not Nani. She’d learned a long time ago that being a snitch was a stupid form of suicide, and she had the scar to prove it.

Her life was otherwise an exhausting blur—what was a little gossip to pass the time? She would be lying if she said it didn’t give her a delightful thrill of power to know what made people stir at night, what made them ache from the inside out. To know that others were awful human beings meant she wasn’t as awful as she thought. And that was nice to believe, if only briefly.

The hours seemed to fly by quickly as Nani scrubbed, wiped and swept every inch of the kitchen. She wiped a few drops of perspiration from her brow as Mama Chen shoved through the doors.

“You!” The older woman pointed angrily at Nani. “Don’t think I didn’t notice your tardiness today. This is the last day you dishonor me. You’re fired!”

Nani felt her face instantly turn red as the other workers turned to stare at her.

She didn’t expect that.

Biting back a nasty response, she tore her apron off and let it fall haphazardly at her feet. She pushed past Mama Chen and ignored her when the older woman screeched something about “making sure she never worked in another restaurant again!”

The cool autumn air slapped Nani harder than Mama Chen’s words, but it was a welcome reprieve from the congested, sweaty air of the kitchen. She sighed and inhaled deeply, her nerves on edge as she suddenly realized that she was once again out of a job.

How could she explain herself when she showed up at the store early and empty-handed?

She started down the block, racking her mind with excuses to tell the Bookkeeper, who would undoubtedly assure Nani she was doing her best and to not worry about a thing. Still, the young brunette knew the elderly woman would have to worry about her next meal and the concerning lack of customers.

Another sudden gust of wind burst forth, smashing a flurry of discarded newspaper and ads into her face.

Nani stumbled back, the wall of stray papers temporarily blinding her. She sputtered as she ripped the sheets from her face, only for one of them to catch her eye.

It was a flashy advertisement, adorned with gaudy colors and symbols, calling hopeful talents to appear on Shiro Shinobi’s new radio channel 54. The advertisement promised the potential winner a chance at hosting their very own show on the channel!

She reread the last sentence over and over, her grayish-green eyes widening at the prospect.

Could it be?

Suddenly, Nani was on a stage, a crowd of mesmerized onlookers chanting her name as she crooned into a microphone for them. The camera flashes caught the glitter of the jewels on her dress so perfectly, momentarily blinding her, but it didn’t matter.

She was star.

For a moment, Nani dared to dream about a future that seemed impossible just moments ago. This… had to be a sign. This opportunity quite literally slapped her in the face!

Feeling giddy, she hurried back to the shop.

----

Taking one last glance at the mirror, Nani grinned with satisfaction.

She looked good, really good, like that poster of Cherry Wong hanging in Mama Chen’s. She even emulated the famous singer’s makeup, dark red lipstick and sultry cat eyes to bring out the green.

One of the first, and most influential, performers in the United Republic- Cherry Wong wowed audiences with her stunning features and incredible voice. She had a talent that no one had seen in those times. She was known for taking old Earth Kingdom poems and transforming them into melodious harmonies. Her music was enjoyed by both old and young audiences alike.

As a child listening from the partially open windows of the clubs, Nani marveled at her talent and was utterly inspired by her passion. She spent most of her free time practicing her sonnets and ballads, hoping to find her voice like Cherry Wong found hers.

A crash sounded in the room next door, followed by a cry of pain.

Nani jolted, rushing to the sound. In the hallway, a massive grandfather clock had toppled over, pinning the Bookkeeper under its impressive weight. Shards of glass and wood lay scattered around her. Blood trickled from the elderly woman’s mouth.

“Oh…oh…” the woman whimpered, shaking as she struggled under the gargantuan fixture.

Nani gasped, nearly frozen by the grisly sight. She fell to her knees, cradled the woman’s head in her hands and cried, “I’ll call for help!”

She wasn’t sure if the woman was shaking from pain or simply nodding her head, but she spent no time discerning the difference. The brunette gently laid the Bookkeeper’s head down and jumped over the sea of glass shards that littered the floor. She sped outside and flung the door to the store open, shouting for help.

The rest of the morning was a blur of people, police sirens, ambulances and cleaning up glass. Nani breathed shakily as the medics strapped the Bookkeeper into the stretcher. She reached out and squeezed her hand.

“Don’t let them take my shop,” the Bookkeeper moaned, her bandaged face soaked in tears.

Nani couldn’t say anything with the massive lump in her throat, so she mustered a nod and watched as the medics took her away in a flurry of sirens.

The tumultuous morning events had shaken Nani terribly. A jagged feeling of guilt dug into her abdomen as she returned to her room, her gaze fixated on the poster she hung above her bed. She peeled it off the wall and folded it gingerly, setting it on the mattress.

She turned away, prepared to give up this dream once and for all.

Unless…

Nani’s eyes tracked round to the bed where the poster sat. After a moment, she reached for it and unfolded the paper, gazing at it intently.

Guilt be damned. She would be stupid to waste the opportunity.

Betrayal accompanied the sound of the clanging keys as Nani locked up the store and darted up the street, her purse and the poster in her arms. Waving wildly, she was able to flag down a taxi and hurled herself into the backseat.

“To Studio 54, please.”

----

Traffic was actually quite agreeable that morning. When the cab finally reached the studio, Nani tossed what little money she had left into the greasy palm of the cab driver and pounced from the backseat onto the pavement. The sound of the cab speeding away barely registered as the brunette gazed up at the building.

The studio itself had undergone quite a transformation. It used to be a simple office building in Harmony Park, but with Shiro Shinobi’s attention (and money), it quickly became the hub for all radio-based creativity and communications. People from all over the world could be heard from this very building. Their stories, their songs, their lives…spread across soundwaves and flowing indiscriminately to anyone who could turn a dial, only to become a daily, integral part of that person’s life. It was magical, really.

Bright red, towering doors were cast open, inviting Nani inside with their promise of fame and freedom.

When she walked in, she noticed the line for auditions was quite short. Only a handful of people were in the queue. Directly in front of her stood a broad-shouldered individual who was just tall enough to obscure her vision of the ticket desk at the front of the line. Hopping onto her tip toes, Nani got a brief view of the desk and noticed the alarmingly short stack of tickets.

Her stomach turning to stone, the brunette reached up and twirled a strand of curls between her fingers. It was something she’d done since childhood, whenever she was intensely anxious.

With every auditionee, the stack got shorter and shorter. She watched in despair as the ticketer handed over the very last one to the man in front of her. Nani took a defeated step forward, the last glimmer of hope extinguished as the ticketer merely shook his head.

“Sorry, toots. Gotta be quicker next time.”

Her shoulders sank and her eyes stung as the failure dragged her under water. Her gaze traveled to the group of auditionees filing into the audition booth, the forbidden space meant only for the most auspicious, blessed individuals favored by the spirits.

Nani, as usual, was not such a person. The spirits must’ve really gotten a kick outta this one.

She chewed on her ire and hurt as she trudged back to the shop. The stone in her gut had turned into a burning lump of coal. What was worse, the humiliation of being turned away from the one thing she’d always wanted, or the immense guilt of closing the store and setting the Bookkeeper back for a stupid pipedream doomed to flop?

When she reached the decrepit little book store, she hastily let her self in and slammed the door behind her. Her eyes caught the broken grandfather clock, now shoved into a corner where it could no longer fall on frail old ladies. She locked her jaw in indignation.

Marching through the shop, Nani found the tiny radio she shared with her elderly roommate. She tore it from its perch on the counter and chucked into the trash outside. She ripped the poster from her purse and tore it to bits, letting the pieces fall around her like confetti. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror.

There she was, once again in a hapless celebration of her own failures and delusions.

“You’re never gonna learn, are you?”

----

It was an unusually warm autumn morning as Nani walked into the Bookkeeper’s hospital room. Clasped between her fingers was a large bouquet of petunias, the old woman’s favorite flowers.

“What a surprise,” the Bookkeeper murmured, lifting her head from the pillow to see the young woman at the foot of her bed. “Come, come sit.”

A sad smile tugged on Nani’s lips. The Bookkeeper looked so much smaller than she remembered. Her face had become jaunt and skeletal, her eyes barely open slits, her lips cracked and bleeding. Her neck was so weak she could barely lift her head.

“I’m sorry I’m late,” Nani offered.

“What lovely flowers,” the Bookkeeper said, as if not hearing Nani’s apology. “Find a vase for them, and put them in the windowsill. They like the sun.”

The brunette did as she was told and took a seat next to the old woman’s bed.

“I heard the most beautiful lady sing on the radio last night,” the Bookkeeper mused. Her eyes glittered with tears. “What a star she was. Did you hear her?”

Nani clenched her jaw. The audition was last week, so the stinging feeling of disappointment was still fresh. The Bookkeeper had unknowingly thrown salt right into her wounds.

The old woman turned her head weakly to smile at Nani. “I have no idea where she is,” she whispered, her tears falling down the side of her face. “She said she would be back, but I think she got lost.”

Concern set in as Nani watched the Bookkeeper’s face relax into silent, pleasant confusion. Her eyes settled on the ceiling, as though watching clouds in the sky.

It was later revealed that the Bookkeeper had cancer, and it not only ate through her bones, but it was actively chewing through her brain, too. Nani had thought it was simply senility easing its way in, a normal part of aging.

But this wasn’t normal aging. This was dying.

Nani sat at the Bookkeeper’s side for several days, comforting her as she cried out for people who weren’t there, moistening her lips with cool water, and mustering a brave face as she watched the woman who took her in waste away.

As the end drew closer, Nani knew what had to be done.

The woman deserved a proper burial at the very least. To sell the shop felt like betraying her, but what else could Nani do? She had no job, no support, and the shop hadn’t made a sale in months.

That’s what Nani told herself when she found a buyer. The guy was skeezy, but he paid a decent amount that would cover the Bookkeeper’s funeral and then some. He seemed rather excited to take the shop off of Nani’s hands, and frankly, she was eager to wash her hands of it.

The exchange went well, leaving her with a hefty envelope of cash under her arm and one less guilt trip to carry around.

Still, her eyes filled with tears as she watched the flames flicking at the funeral pyre. The Bookkeeper was kind and generous. She never badgered Nani for rent. She never judged or shamed her when she lost a job. She was just there…a trustworthy, safe fixture that Nani could rely on.

When the last of the flames died and the old woman’s ashes were collected, Nani walked to her grave site and placed the urn in the ground before piling a mound of loose dirt over it. She sighed, wiping her hands on the hem of her dress and sat back on her heels.

The sky was gray as she dipped her head and pressed her palms together, murmuring a final prayer for the old woman’s soul.

“Well, ain’t that a pity,” a male voice drawled behind her.

Nani tensed. She must’ve not heard the footfalls coming up behind her. She used to be good at that.

A disappointed clicking noise left the man’s lips. “Can’t say hi to an old friend?”

Nani’s heart pounded in her chest as sweat began forming on her brow. Reluctantly, she turned her head to see the tanned, curly haired man looming over her. His hands rested on his hips as he stared her down.

“M-ming.”

Her voice betrayed her as it cracked. She didn’t mean to, but the very sight of him had her frozen to the ground where she sat.

The earthbender smirked at her, his soulless gray eyes boring through her body.

“You’re a sight for sore eyes, sweetheart. Tahno had us looking everywhere for you. After a while, we just assumed you died with the other poor souls in the tunnels,” he said, his voice devoid of any concern.

Nani gulped as he lent down on his knees, meeting her eye to eye.

“Turns out, you’re just good at hiding,” he cooed, reaching out to caress her cheek.

The young woman gasped sharply as she jerked away, glaring at the man with a mix of terror and disgust.

A few moments passed as she tried to compose herself. “W-what are you doing here?” She questioned.

Ming glared at her intensely. “What do you think?”

A shiver ran down her spine as she digested his question. Wolfbats were known for being possessive of their mates.

Nani’s hands wandered behind her, grabbing fistfuls of grass before finally finding a rock. She swung her arm around, clocking Ming in the jaw with it.

“I’m not going back!” She screamed.

He went down with a loud grunt, and Nani took off. She didn’t dare look behind her as she darted away, lurching over tombstones, urns and dead flowers, desperately running away from the life she left behind last year.

As she zig-zagged through the cemetery, she could hear the sound of heavy stones whooshing past her, some just barely grazing the tips of her hair.

“You chose the wrong place to pick a fight with me, baby!” Ming taunted, his voice echoing not too far behind.

Nani’s heart pounded against her ribcage. Her eyes fixated on the iron gate at the entrance, hoping to clear its threshold before her attacker could reach her. Her legs ached as she pumped forwards, her breathing ragged. With every distressing step, the gate grew closer.

Suddenly, two tombstones came flying from opposite sides, sandwiching Nani between the slabs of rock, slamming her into the ground.

Ming was right. It was stupid to challenge an earth bender in a cemetery.

“Agh!” She cried out, her ribs cracking under the weight.

She could hear the sound of grass being trampled and winced when Ming’s face came into view. Blood trickled from the corner of his mouth.

She squeezed her eyes shut, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing her fear.

“You were always such a stubborn broad,” he lamented.

Like an act of mercy, the stones fell away and the pain swiftly disappeared with them. Nani blinked, staring up at her old compatriot.

“Just kill me, then,” she panted. “I’m not going back to Tahno!”

Ming dropped to her level again, this time cruelly yanking her forward by her hair. She yelped in pain.

“You knew that shop was drowning in debt, didn’t you?” He questioned, quiet but threatening. “The bank sent a letter threatening foreclosure four months ago. You let my uncle buy a foreclosed business!”

Nani wasn’t sure how to respond. Since when did Ming have an uncle? Was this not about Tahno?

“I didn’t know!” It was true, she didn’t know just how bad the debt was. All she had were a few bills and the deed to the shop. And, damn, if she’d known San Ho was Ming’s uncle, she would’ve never sold the shop to him. Now, she’d really done herself in.

Ming pulled harder on her hair, and Nani cried out, clawing at his forearm as she squirmed under his grip.

Eventually, he released her. Nani fell back, gasping for breath as she watched Ming, petrified.

He crossed his arms over his chest. “Normally when someone pathetic and nameless crosses San Ho, they get whacked. But, we’re old pals-wouldn’t you agree?”

Nani diverted her gaze from him. ‘Pals’ was a strong word.

Ming flashed her a sinister grin. “When I heard about your little transgression, I had the option to send my uncle’s goons out to find you. But those guys, they aren’t exactly known for their self control, if y’know what I mean.”

Instinctively, Nani pressed her legs together tightly.

“Believe it or not,” the earthbender continued, “I was real down when you left us, Nani. I don’t think Tahno ever gave you credit for how talented you were, but I saw it.”

Drops of rain kissed the top of Nani’s head, soon becoming an overpour. The heavens above seemed to pour out their disfavor of her, thunderously crashing down like a typhoon in the spring. If she even dared to run again, the mud would only make the chase more difficult. Ming would capture her again, and would likely break a few bones to drive home his point.

She’d lost, Nani told herself. If tears rolled down her cheeks, Ming didn’t see them.

“Once a Wolfbat, always a Wolfbat,” she murmured, echoing Tahno’s words.

Ming shook his head, snickering. Nani snapped her head up to look at him through a curtain of sopping wet curls.

He chuckled at her confusion, replying, “Like I said, Tahno was a fool to ignore your talent.”

Apparently, he had other plans.

Nani would have to sell her body again, but not in the way most girls on the streets did. San Ho, Ming’s very rich and very corrupt uncle, owned a lucrative brewing company as well as a few dozen opium dens throughout the United Republic. He had quite a few connections with the Terra Triad, of which his nephew was an avid participant. His customers were often high-profile businessmen and women who liked getting drunk and high while being, well, serviced. Everyone appreciated good music and dancing, and Nani would provide. It was abnormally merciful, but who was Nani to refuse?

After all, Ming teased, there were worse ways to put her mouth to use.

----

Nani sighed as she picked up the cheap, shimmering silver fabric of the dress laid on the chair of her “dressing room”, i.e. a dimly lit walk-in closet with a futon on the ground coated in mysterious dried fluids.

She slipped out of her old maroon dress, undid her brassiere, and slid the new dress over her head. She shimmied and danced a bit until she was able to get the cloth over her hips. Eventually, the dress was on, and it actually fit pretty well, considering it had belonged to someone else. Nani’s breasts and back were very much exposed , however, leaving very little to the imagination. Even the most salacious lingerie wasn’t this provocative, but Nani knew her “audience” would appreciate it. Even more so, Ming and his uncle would be pleased.

As Nani rummaged through the box of costumes in front of her, she pulled out a feathered, boa-like head piece with a glittery band that matched her dress. She wrapped it around her head, careful not to disturb her curls which she’d smoothed down with gel earlier.

A heavy-handed knock startled her.

“Come on now, let’s see it.” It was Ming.

A deep sigh left her lips as Nani threw open the door. The earthbender was leaning against the frame, his eyes trailing up and down, a stomach-churning grin of satisfaction on his lips as he drank in her appearance.

“You look good enough to eat,” he muttered.

Nani didn’t look him in the eye as she walked past him, the look of disgust apparent on her face. She made her way to the long mirror in the hallway and stared at her reflection. The ridiculous headpiece, the exaggerated makeup, the scandalous outfit.

She was a show girl. An indentured show girl.

A mirthless laugh left her mouth without warning. You want fame? The spirits asked. Here’s your fame.

Ming sauntered into frame and put a cold hand on her shoulder. It took everything in Nani’s being not to recoil from him.

“The madame wants to meet you before you take the stage,” he said.

In another room, one more decadently decorated and much cleaner, sat the Madame. She was a tall, middle aged woman with a heavily powdered face and nails like knives. She was dressed in a silk red and pink kimono and a glossy black wig. She was pouring tea into a small cup.

“Madame Yoshino, I’ve brought your newest act, as promised,” Ming announced, keeping his fingers tightly curled around Nani’s shoulder as he led her into the room.

The exquisite woman stood from her cushion, cup in hand. She approached Nani with narrowed eyes. She barely looked at her before turning away in disgust.

“She’s dark,” she spat.

Nani’s eyes widened at the unexpected jab. Her hands balled into fists, nails digging into her palms.

Ming patted her back, replying confidently, “You’ve got plenty of porcelain dolls, why get another one when you can have a bronze beauty instead?”

Madame Yoshino glowered at Ming for a moment before turning her attention back to the young woman. She raised an inquisitive brow at her. She studied Nani’s figure, pausing over her chest and then her face, where she lingered for a long time.

Nani gulped as she tried, and failed, not to look the frighteningly intimidating woman in the eyes.

The madame grasped her chin and forcefully jerked her face from side to side.

“Open your mouth,” she demanded.

Nani gave her a hateful stare but complied when Ming slapped her ass with stinging force.

She bit back a yelp and let the Madame inspect her teeth.

“Hm…a few cavities, but overall not bad,” the older woman commented. She tapped Nani’s jaw as if to signal her to close it.

Shrugging, Madame Yoshino took a sip of her tea and settled her gaze on Nani again. “Where are you from, little miss? North or South?”

Nani understood her question, as many had asked the same. And she answered the same as she always did.

“Neither,” she replied boldly. “I’m from Republic City.”

Ming cleared his throat and pinched the back of her arm. Nani squeezed her eyes shut to keep from crying out in pain.

Madame Yoshino set her teacup down, waving her arms in the air with disdain. “No, no, no! That won’t do. From now on, you’re a Northern girl, you see?”

Another slap to her behind from Ming, this time less vicious. “Our little arctic fox,” he teased.

Nani bit her tongue until it bled. Hatred burned in her veins as the two continued to talk about her as though she weren’t in the room. To them, she was just a piece of meat to be devoured later, then regurgitated and devoured again…until she was completely unrecognizable.

Madame Yoshino dug her dagger-like nails into Nani’s arm as she dragged her onstage.

The brunette’s eyes darted around the room. The atmosphere was thick with the familiar scent of opium and sweat. The dim lights were a blood-red hue, blanketing everything in a sort of sensual, dangerous anonymity.

Her gaze turned to the door in the very back of the room. If she tried to make a run for it, Ming could easily block off the exit with his earth bending, or smash a rock into her head with a swipe of his hand.

Madame Yoshino took the microphone and introduced her as a “Northern Snow Princess”.

A stage light shined jarringly in her face, blinding her for a few seconds. As her vision adjusted, Nani took in the environment around her.

Various paintings and portraits of people engaged in lewd sex acts decorated the walls. Well-dressed men, and a few women, sat on various couches and cushions, pipes and sake glasses in their hands as young courtesans fawned over them. Their clothes were still on, but a few had their shirts unbuttoned, dresses turned askew, shoes missing.

This was nothing like her daydreams.

The clientele hummed in surprise and intrigue, a few even clapped. Nani couldn’t stomach looking at them directly, instead focusing on a portrait to the right of her. It was a photograph, blown up on a poster, of a naked woman, her large breasts like two moons shining bright in the night sky, with a green and pink folding fan splayed out between her legs, just barely covering her sex.

Somehow, that woman was using her sexual prowess as a form of power. Somehow, she was able to take hold of the narrative that she’d been sold into. It was in her eyes. Her body was hers, and no one could take that away.

Nani longed to be half as brave as the woman in the photograph.

An upbeat, jazzy tune began playing behind her and her hands trembled as she took the microphone.

Just sing, she told herself. It’s like riding a bicycle.

The words tumbled from her lips on cue as she timed herself to the music. It was a song about falling in love, or something silly like that. It wasn’t the most appropriate song for a brothel, but somehow it got people going.

As the song continued, Nani sashayed her hips to the melody, waving her arms in a rhythmic swaying motion.

The crowd was pleased, clapping along and cheering. Their enthusiasm would’ve been intoxicating had it not been for the fact that she could see them getting grabby with some of the courtesans.

She did her best to keep singing, to pretend it didn’t bother her. She murmured out a few more notes, humming along and dancing away, but then she saw it:

An older gentleman had his hands around a girl’s throat as he straddled her, his knee forcing its way between her legs. The girl was around Nani’s age, but her face was caked in geisha makeup to make her look older. Her eyes were wide with panic and terror, until they rolled back into her head. Her body went limp in the man’s grasp, but he didn’t let up.

All the while, the cheery cacophony of saxophones, trumpets, bass and drums continued their happy tune as Nani watched this man choke a dead body. Her voice had long been drowned out by the music. Or maybe she’d stopped singing altogether, she didn’t actually recall.

Her eyes were glued to the man’s hands. He just kept going.

The music got louder, the cheers got louder, everything sort of blurring together in the chaos.

It was in that moment that something buried deep inside Nani exploded.

A wordless, enraged shriek tore itself from her throat. She leapt from the stage, grasping the microphone stand in her hands. As she charged at the man, she held the pole over her head and brought it down on his face with a sickening crack.

He crumpled to the floor.

Nani’s hands shook as she dropped the microphone stand. The music came to a screeching halt. The looks of awe and wonder morphed into terror and disgust. Nani could feel Ming and Madame Yoshino’s eyes burning into her back, but all she could do was watch the man stir, trying to push himself up with his hands. Nani brought the pole over her head again.

But before she could deliver another blow, the thick scent of sulfur and ammonia filled the air.

Smoke seemed to pour from every orifice of the building, creating a cloudy miasma that rapidly replaced the oxygen in the room. Panic settled in, screams tearing through the atmosphere as everyone scrambled to escape.

Nani coughed as she tried to fight the smoke, stumbling over the bodies of the clientele as they dropped like flies around her. Her eyes and lungs burned as the smoke seared into her mucus membranes. She gasped into the crook of her elbow, but the fumes were too much. She staggered towards the exit, when something caught her ankle, causing her to lurch forward.

She was unconscious before she hit the ground.

----

The sound of jingling keys and steel-toed boots woke Nani up. Or maybe it was the raging, fume-induced migraine boring into her skull. She wasn’t quite sure, yet.

“Wake up, miss,” a deep voice beckoned.

Nani groaned as she opened her eyes. She slowly lifted her head, squinting as the figure of a uniformed man came towards her. Behind him, she could see a set of bars. Her mind quickly registered the cuffs around her wrists and ankles.

Eyes snapping open with alarm, Nani jerked away from the officer. She held her arms up to shield herself, but that, unsurprisingly, did nothing to stop him.

“Let’s go,” the officer said, grabbing hold of her arms and pulling her up.

“No, no, no,” she begged. “Please don’t do this!”

She writhed against his iron-grip as he dragged her out of the jail cell and through the halls of the precinct. In her peripheral vision, she saw Ming being carried away by two officers, except his cuffs looked different, like they were wooden—probably so he wouldn’t try to metal bend his way out of them.

Relief washed over her for a second, but only for a second. She then realized she was in a showgirl’s outfit, in a brothel, surrounded by opium, prostitutes and rich people who were above the law.

“I-I don’t belong here!” She said nervously. “You have to believe me.”

The officer scoffed at her. “You know how many times I’ve heard that before?”

She ended up in an interrogation room, sitting across a young detective with enigmatic amber eyes and dark hair. He had his arms crossed as he leaned back in his chair. He didn’t say anything for a few minutes; he just looked at her.

She covered her chest with her arms, suddenly very self-conscious of her very exposed body.

“I don’t know what you want from me,” Nani finally muttered, her voice hoarse.

The detective leaned forward, his elbows on the desk in front of him, as though eager to hear more. “Well, a statement, for starters,” he responded.

Nani shook her head, her glittering headpiece tilting down to one side. “What is there to say?” She retorted. “You found me in a brothel. I know what you do to women in brothels.”

The man raised one sharp brow at her. “Oh?” He replied, as though inviting her to continue.

A tickle started in Nani’s throat, reminding her that she was quite dehydrated. “Can I have some water?” She asked.

Nodding, the detective left the room. In seconds, he was back with a glass of lukewarm water, but Nani didn’t care. She threw her head back and gulped down the whole thing.

When she was finished, she placed the glass in between herself and the detective.

“I’m not some skirt,” she said flatly.

The detective nodded. “I know.”

“How?”

He swiftly laid out several photographs across the table. Nani leaned forward to examine them. There were photos of San Ho, Madame Yoshino, Ming, and several young women and men she did not recognize. Evidence of drug, alcohol and sexual paraphernalia was wantonly displayed in the images. There were also images of the brothel and other buildings within the Red Light District. Nani was surprised to see those pictures had been taken some time in the morning. They didn’t look so frightening in broad daylight.

The detective explained, “We’ve been watching this group for years-even had a few of our officers infiltrate their ranks to find information that could help us bring them down. They knew every face that walked into that bordello, except yours.”

Nani glanced at the detective and then back at the photos. She couldn’t stop looking at the faces of the young sex workers.

“We did however hear about an unsavory purchase that San Ho had made,” he continued. “Something about a foreclosed book shop?”

Her knee jerk reaction was to scream, “It wasn’t my fault!” but Nani held her tongue. Instead, she looked away.

“The woman I was staying with died,” she muttered. “She owned the bookstore. On her deathbed she asked me sell it.”

That little lie stung. Nani knew it was wrong, but it was better than the truth. The Bookkeeper had begged her not to let anyone take away the shop. Perhaps in her demented, cancer-ridden brain she knew the bank was going to take everything.

Leaning back in his chair, the detective appeared to take this in.

“Okay,” he started slowly, as though he was working out a puzzle in his mind. “So you sold the deed to San Ho, and then he somehow found out it was foreclosed. Then what?”

Nani sighed loudly. “Do I really have to walk you through every little detail?”

Reaching into his coat, the detective pulled out a yellow notepad with one hand and clicked a pen with the other. “Yes, please,” he responded. “Let’s start with your name.”

“Tanana, my friends call me Nani…at least they would if I had friends.”

“Is there a last name?”

“No.”

“Where are you from?”

“Born in Republic City.”

“Ok. Do you have any family we can contact?”

Curls shook furiously. “No family. Just me.”

The detective nodded. “How old are you?”

Nani bit her lip, hesitant. “I-I’m not 100% sure. Between 20 and 23, I think.”

His eyes flew up to her face, filled with confusion and possibly even concern.

“You grew up on the streets,” he responded, as though filling in the blanks. Despite her not asking him to.

The brunette’s expression was stone-like. After a while, the pity gets old.

Clearing his throat, the detective asked Nani to give her statement as truthfully and clearly as she could.

Eager to be done with it, Nani explained the events in the cemetery and the brothel, up until she met Madame Yoshino.

“I thought I was doing a show,” she explained. “But then I looked around, like really looked around, and I realized where I was.”

As she spoke, the detective scribbled furiously onto his notepad.

“Were you asked to perform any sexual acts?” He asked, his eyes not leaving the pad.

“Oh, no,” she responded nonchalantly. She noticed a dusting of pink on the detective’s face as he paused writing for a second. “But I saw quite a few people getting their rocks off in the audience.”

The writing paused momentarily, and then resumed. Nani watched the detective quietly as he wrote. His features just screamed with familiarity, but for some reason she couldn’t place it.

Seconds later, the man looked up and noticed her watching at him. “…I’m listening,” he prompted.

Nani shrugged, “I don’t have much else, sorry.”

Pursing his lips, the detective clicked his pen before stuffing it and the notepad back into his coat. He scooched his chair back and stood.

“Thank you for your statement,” he said curtly, resuming an air of professionalism. “My officers will be in here shortly to undo your cuffs and bring you your belongings.”

Nani nodded in response, watching him as he turned to leave. She almost let him go, but something nagged at her incessantly.

“Detective?”

He turned his head to look at her. “Yes?”

Rubbing the inside of her palm, Nani stared at the files in his hands. “What happened to that girl? Did she make it?”

A look of recognition flashed across his face, followed by somberness. Nani grimaced knowingly.

“No….she was one of ours,” he admitted soberly.

“Spirits….I’m sorry.”

A few seconds of uncomfortable silence lingered in the air.

“Me too,” he responded, closing the door behind him.

----

Less than thirty minutes later, Nani was freed. She wasted no time fleeing downstairs to the front lobby with her purse in hand, covering her chest. As she made her way down, she noticed a group of officers crowded around a radio, howling with laughter.

She paused, simultaneously amused and annoyed, wondering what they were listening to that was so funny.

“Turn it up, will ya?” A stout officer exclaimed, shoving one of his companions.

The taller, thinner one obliged, chuckling as he playfully punched the first officer back.

Nani lingered in the lobby of the precinct, her ears perked to the sound of Shiro Shinobi’s voice:

--“AAAANNND welcome back ladies and gentlemen to Channel 54 Radio. I’m your host, Shiro Shinobi, and tonight do we got a program for you!”

“Tonight, I am pleased to announce the premiere of our newest program, ‘Dispatches from Republic City’, hosted by the one, the only…

“MISTER BOOOOOOLIIIIIIN!!!! ALSO KNOWN AS NUKTUK: HERO OF THE SOUTH!”--

Nani’s eyes nearly bulged out of her head. Her mind went back to the day of the audition. The man in front of her….did she ever catch a glimpse of his face? Then she remembered, he’d said his name to the ticketer.

Bolin.

A festive, over-the-top jingle played over the soundwaves as the officers whooped and hollered in front of Nani. A tiny, likely overworked and underpaid intern scrambled behind her, spilling a week’s worth of paper shreds around her like a burst of confetti.

It would’ve been comical...if it weren't absolutely maddening.

Nani didn’t bother to listen to the rest of the program. She stared blankly ahead of her as she marched out of the precinct and into the chilly night air. She was burning with so much rage the cold actually felt good on her skin.

For a few seconds, she watched a slurry of satomobiles pass her by and contemplated walking into traffic. And she might’ve done it if she hadn’t looked up and saw a faded Nuktuk poster plastered on the wall of the building beside her.

No, she told herself. You’re not going out like roadkill.

She glared at the actor’s face, memorizing the face of the man who’d stolen her dream from her. Oh, she knew him. Maybe not personally, but she remembered him from her days with the Wolfbats.

He was a cocky Pro-Bender with a pet rat, big whoop. He got his fame when he starred in the movers, even bigger whoop. Who was he to steal audition spots? Didn’t he get his fifteen minutes?

Nani took one last look at the poster before tearing it down and ripping it to bits. People walked past her in the streets, staring at her like she was crazy, but she couldn’t give a rat’s ass if she tried.

She was furious, mostly at herself for giving up so quickly after the audition but also at the universe for favoring that big, dirt-pushing lug over her when it knew how badly she needed this.

Well, no matter. If the spirits could play tricks….then so could she.

She hurried towards the nearest hotel, intent on getting some decent beauty rest. She’d likely have to dip her fingers in some poor sap’s pockets to fund an outfit change. She wasn’t sure about the hair and makeup, but she would find a way. She always did.

After all, she had to look good if she was going to meet Nuktuk, hero of the South.

#legend of korra #bolin #makorra #lok #bolin headcanons #bolin x reader #bolin x oc #wolfbats #whitefalls wolfbats #probending #korra

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3terna15unshin3 · 1 year

Text

Then Because She Goes

Cry, I will love you, love you, love you

★ Chapter 13 of 15, 3498 words

★ Matty Healy x Original Female Character

★ warnings: angst, descriptions of grief and depression

<< 12

18 September, 2019

Matty was right. Everything was okay. Until it wasn’t, and Este got the call.

She dropped everything to catch a plane to London. A train would be too slow. She had to be with her family. The two weeks she spent there felt like some of the longest weeks of her life.

There wasn’t a moment that the universe let her mind rest—it was a constant buzz of anger, sadness, release. She was mad that bad things happened to good people. Sad that there was so little time left. And eventually, two Mondays later, it happened. Este thought that when it did, her emotions would peak and then she’d be on the comedown—slowly, she guessed. But it wasn’t. Every day felt like the worst of what was to come. And the worst kept coming.

The clothes draped on her body remained the same for too long. Even their musty stench that grew as time passed couldn’t inspire her to change, so Cate had to force her out of them. She’d been helpful through those horrid weeks, constantly checking up on her best friend, even coming down to London a couple of times to take Este’s mind off of things and attempt to bring her back down to earth.

Two days after the dreaded Monday, they came back home to Manchester to grab some more of their things. Enough to last them through the weekend and however long Este felt she would need to stay. Work was a worry, but it didn’t matter to her as much as it probably should have.

After helping her flatmate pack another bag and essentially petting her head to sleep, Cate considered how intensely Este’s life had been put on hold to make room for her grief. There was no time to make new memories when she was all consumed with trying to cling to the ones with Florencia. Este was terrified of the reality that one day she’d struggle to remember them as brightly as they once were.

Cate thought about the increasing number displayed in the red notification bubble at the corner of her Messages app, and the people waiting to hear from her. The plans Este must have had, and their inevitable rain-checks. That’s when Matty came to mind. She decided that sending him a text would aid in planning their accommodations back in London, in case of some small chance that he’d have time to be there for the rites.

Matty Healy (famous)

Yesterday at 20:50 PM

hey. i thought i’d let you know that the funeral is on saturday morning. wasn’t sure if este invited you out but i know she’d want you there

i also have no idea where in the world you even are rn

so if you can’t make it then don’t worry

Today at 06:04 AM

Funeral????

I haven’t heard from her since this past Saturday

What’s going on

oh my god. she didn’t tell you

i’m so sorry you had to find out this way and that it isn’t coming from este but her nan passed away on monday.

Shit

I don’t know what to say, I’m so sorry

Can I ask what happened?

she’s been in remission for a couple of years, but in mid august ish she got super sick again. everything happened really fast and there weren’t any treatment options.

so at the beginning of september este went down to stay with josé in the house. the whole family went. they at least got to be with each other for her last couple of weeks

Is she still there in London or are u guys in Manchester

she just arrived back to the flat to pick up more of her stuff and figure out her leave from work and stuff with sam

we’re staying the night but heading back tomorrow. wake is on friday morning and the funeral the next day

Was just trying to figure out if somehow I could make it but I’m in Auckland

Would take days on a plane and we have a bunch of Australian shows coming up

I don’t think theres a way

it’s ok matty. she’ll understand

sorry for loading this all on you out of nowhere

No, thank you for telling me

Please let me know if there’s something I can do. Even from all the way out here

Anything

Today at 11:29 AM

i will

but also, just as a heads up, este really is not in a good place. she’s in good hands, so you dont have to worry or anything, but maybe just wait for her to reach out first before saying anything. hopefully you can understand why i ask that of you

hope your shows in australia go well x

Of course I understand x

Thank you Cate

Matty’s heart broke for Este and her family when he read the texts sitting in his notifications after his long plane journey out to New Zealand. In the car ride over to the hotel, Hann took note of how unusually his mouth was pressed into a flat line as he furiously typed away on his phone, eventually asking him what was up.

“Cate’s just told me that Este’s nan just passed.” he explained, “She was just super vague at the start about a funeral and I haven’t heard from Este at all, so I panicked,”

“Did you think she was inviting you to Este’s funeral?”

“Dunno, really. ‘Funeral’ is just a scary word.” Matty continued typing as Cate’s responses came through.

“Shit. Sorry, mate.” said George, giving his condolences. “How old was she?”

“75. Cate’s saying it was cancer.” As he read more texts, the further it was explained.

“The nan with the gallbladder?” Ross asked, a contained amusement sitting on his face as he brought up the story he shared when the guys had first met Este and Cate.

Matty threw him a grimace. “Yes, Ross. I’m sure she had a gallbladder. But if you mean the one who was my nurse after I got mine removed, then also yes.” Despite how inappropriate his joke seemed, Matty was glad the mood lifted when it gained a couple bittersweet chuckles from the rest of the guys. “Este never told me about any of it, so I’m just a bit shocked,”

He’d been frozen with grief before, so he didn’t blame her for not saying anything. Letting her heal was necessary—and his feelings couldn’t matter less in this situation. Plus, the idea of sending a message was too scary. He didn’t know what to say, or how to say it, or want to overstep. So Cate suggesting he let Este come to him first helped him with the internal dilemma.

She almost regretted reaching out to Matty after discovering that Este hadn’t told him about Florencia. It felt like crossing a boundary; like something that should have been shared on her accord instead of by her best friend over text. To clear her conscience, Cate confessed what she had done as they sat on the train back to London the next day.

“Hey,” she started, to break the silence and grab Este’s attention. Her sad eyes looked up to acknowledge the conversation and her curious eyebrows raised.

“Yesterday I was thinking about where I’d be staying this weekend and if there would be enough room at your grandparents’ house. Which I know you said there would be—but it just had me thinking about everyone who may need accommodations for coming in from out of town—and I thought of Matty. Which in retrospect, was stupid in the first place, since his literal house is in London. Impulsively I just sent him a text without even asking you first, and I feel really guilty for intruding, especially since he let me know that you hadn’t told him or anything. So I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking in the moment, I just—“

A reassuring and gentle hand was felt on Cate’s forearm. It was Este’s, as if to say, ‘It’s okay’. She gave a soft smile and Cate showed one similarly, still holding her breath from the anticipation of what reaction the fact she revealed may conjure.

All she did was swipe away Cate’s auburn hair before leaning her head on her shoulder—where the hair once sat—so that the weight wouldn’t pull on it, sighing quietly. Este didn’t feel strongly about anything at that moment, letting the clunky sounds of the train and the presence of her best friend envelop her numbness.

It wasn’t an active decision to keep Matty uninformed. It was probably due to her refusing to believe it would ever come to the point of relevance. That if she didn’t admit that Florencia was sick again, then the gut-wrenching inevitability couldn’t be real life. And once it was—as much as Este craved the comfort she knew he’d provide her—she couldn’t be rational. It was an all-consuming paralysis.

The air in the house was heavy. Endless paperwork screamed for attention from the dining room table, so her parents and granddad were busy dealing with that; not saying much to the two girls as they entered. A touch on the small of Este’s back was given by José, who didn’t usually use his words to show his love for her anyway. The warmth from where his hand brushed against her lingered for a couple of long seconds.

Before Cate and Este reached the spare room they’d be sharing for the weekend, her mother stopped them.

“You should look at the flowers on the counter, E. They’re beautiful.” said Percy.

Setting her bags down, Este agreed and stepped back out to the kitchen. The bouquet that came into her view was huge. They had received flowers from a couple of people since Monday, mostly dainty and affordable and easy to look at. But this one took her by surprise; its full shape made up of the most colourful foliage she could imagine. Her Lola would have loved it.

You could sense Florencia’s kookiness from the loud and maximalist decor throughout her house. Este acquired the hoarding habits from her. She could recall a couple of times her nan commented on how boring she found pre-made bunches from the supermarket, and how she wished she could combine every different type of bouquet to have one that actually interested her. If someone told Este that her grandmother picked the flowers sitting on the counter in front of her, she’d believe them.

“Wow, they are beautiful.” She mumbled, about to ask her family if they knew who had sent them.

But, a note card stuck out of the top. Este flipped it open.

‘For Este-

Life is just as precious and beautiful as it is unfair. I am so sorry it has been unfair to you. I feel both lucky to have even briefly known Florencia, and also terrible that I can’t be there to support you. Thinking of your family always.

All my love

Matty x’

Her shaky hand grabbed the card and slipped it into the pocket of her sweats for safekeeping—her question now answered. One day she would be able to accept how thoughtful his words were, and even send him a message to say thank you. But that day wasn’t today.

23 September, 2019

Sam knew he had to hire another employee at Greenhouse to make up for Este’s absences.

Over the years, there had been many occasions where time off was needed by either her or Oliver or even the owner himself; so there were a few solutions they’d usually jump to. A couple of close friends of the store had been kept on the store’s payroll to jump in when needed. But, Sam had a feeling that he’d be in need of something more. Meeting Este when she was a mere nineteen years old, he was aware of the tightly knit family she possessed—and he had never seen her in the state she was in now. This was clearly world-shifting for her.

She tried to insist on coming back to work that Monday morning, only a week to the day of her grandmother’s passing. Sam could hear the quiet quiver in her voice when they spoke on the phone, already in the process of sorting through CVs and inviting potential hires for interviews. Not with the intent to replace Este, but to ensure she could take the full time she needed off without the pressure of letting the business down. Of course, he refused to make her travel all the way back to Manchester and firmly encouraged her to stay with her family for as long as she wished to.

So, Este stayed in London—for much longer than she expected to. Weeks went by and she was still there. Her mum and dad were forced to leave not long after the weekend of the funeral; on account of some dodgy conversation with their bosses about time off. It didn’t feel right to leave José alone in the house. Este felt his sorrow through their silence. They slept under the same roof every night, both shutting their eyes to be able to see the sparkling memories of Florencia that were painted on the inside of their eyelids.

She did a lot of sleeping, for that very reason. And randomly got really good at Scrabble. Her and her granddad had played a couple of times which sparked her interest, but it soon spiralled into Este playing against computers through an app on her phone for most hours of the day. She thought to herself, After this game I’ll get up and do something else. But she never got up and she never did anything else.

Her vocabulary expanded. Este even considered ordering a Scrabble dictionary off of Amazon. She paid for Prime, so it could even come tomorrow. It’s okay, she reassured, It’ll wear off. I won’t sit here and play Scrabble until the end of time.

But what if I do? she feared.

Percy came to visit quite frequently. To both make sure her father and daughter were holding up, all alone in London, and to feel closer to Florencia. The house still smelled like her. Sometimes, she’d have to remind Este to go out and buy groceries after seeing that they were running low; or convince José to pay his bills on time. He had a hard time remembering what day it was.

She brought Dano with her whenever she was over. It helped spike Este’s mood, though temporarily. Her voice would reach its excited high pitch when she heard his paws tap on the hardwood floor and shower him in the only love she had left in her.

Este liked letting her family’s golden retriever up onto her bed, even though the fur that he left behind sometimes made her sneeze in the middle of the night. She liked how warm he was and that the in-and-out of his breathing helped punctuate her thoughts.

One night, she took a break from resting her face against him and gave Cate a call. She was nice enough to come back from Manchester a couple of times to bring more of Este’s belongings from their flat, helping to make the spare room feel more like her own. Cate saw her grief for what it was and gave Este the rigidity that others were scared to. The words she had trouble saying to herself felt easier to believe when her best friend was on the receiving line. Gently petting Dano’s coat, her voice escaped with a tremble.

She talked about how after seeing a trailer for a film called The Farewell (that was coincidentally about a sick grandmother) on the telly a couple of days ago, she hadn’t turned it on since. How she thought rereading Little Women might comfort her, but then she reached the part where Beth dies and couldn’t finish it. How she dreamt of her Lola every night.

But alas, the ponderous energy of the air around her lifted slightly. And when Cate hung up, after both girls lost track of time and realised the late hour, Este leaned back down onto Dano like he was her pillow, surprised to find his fur all wet with her tears.

29 October, 2019

Following the release of the third single for Notes On A Conditional Form, Frail State of Mind, Matty and the rest of the band had a couple of weeks off before playing Pitchfork Music Festival in Paris. Though they were still busy writing, the time away from performing left Matty thinking about Este more often. Sure, he was sort of always thinking of her; but it felt elevated during their first long break since he’d last heard from her.

He had sent a couple of texts to Cate to make sure she was alright, but never felt entitled to know more than just that. So, he was shocked to see messages waiting for him, from Este. The sheer anticipation made his thumb shake as it clicked to open it.

E ★

Today at 18:11 PM

I know this is more than a month overdue, but thank you for the flowers and sweet message. They were the most beautiful we’d received. The whole family loved them, and I’m sure my nan would have too

Pls don’t feel bad about not coming in for the funeral. I remembered that you’d be too far and that’s ok. It’s me that should be sorry for not letting u know what was going on. You deserved to know. But I’d be lying if I said i was doing better. Things are still really hard

I hope u can believe me when i say that I really do appreciate you Matty. I know you would be there for me if I let you in. But im sort of struggling to let anyone in rn.

Sorry for spamming you, I will text soon x

Este theres nothing you should be apologising for

Losing my nan was one of the hardest things I’ve had to go through

I’m never more than a text away, just remember that xx

Congrats on the new song too, you can imagine I relate to it a bit. Lol

After those few messages, Matty stopped hearing from her. They gave him a bit of hope, so Este’s radio silence hurt him a little bit more the second time around. He gave up reaching out after just over a month of no responses. Once in a while he would send a text to Cate, just to snuff his fear of something worse going on, and she assured him that she was alive. Not necessarily ‘good’, but alive. Matty guessed that it was a sufficient response and eventually stopped pestering.

It felt odd to mix the song he wrote about her in the studio while they weren’t even in contact. With it only running for a couple of seconds more than two minutes, they didn’t spend an overwhelming amount of time on it. But, as Matty listened back to his buried vocals that sang the lyrics he wrote about Este and their short bursts of memories between dragging months apart, he couldn’t help but yearn for her.

He liked that the song was so short, and that the lyrics were hard to pick apart. It felt like a little moment. The final line, ‘Will you stay or wait?’ repeated through Matty’s head as they perfected the song’s shoe-gazey production, booming in his chest through its painful relevance.

When they reached America for their final leg of tour that year, her name was sketched into Matty’s ear whenever they performed I Couldn’t Be More In Love. But what about these feelings I’ve got, he thought—too literally.

He would meet a fan that had a dimple and would think of her. Or one that had a septum piercing. And think of her if he ever drove past a small book shop.

Then, inevitably, Matty could feel the brightest element of his life slowly dim to darkness—fading into a fleeting moment of his past. But the memory stayed, along with a small glimmer of hope. And he knew he’d be at her feet the minute Este wanted him there again.

14 >>

#matty healy #the 1975 #matty healy fanfiction #matty healy x oc #the 1975 fanfiction #matty healy fic #tbsg

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charlesandmiranda · 4 months

Text

Arrival!

Writing to you this morning from our hotel breakfast! Just wanted to fill in everyone about the rest of our trip before we start our first full day. I doubt we'll be able to post EVERY SINGLE DAY WE'RE HERE but we're definitely gonna try and keep it frequent enough to be interesting!

From our last post, we were heading from Baltimore to Toronto, which was a very quick hour and a half-ish flight. From Toronto, we headed straight to our gate to which started boarding shortly thereafter, so it was a pretty quick turn around. It was almost kind of a shame because airport was actually kinda pretty, and I wouldn't have hated a few extra minutes to look around at all the really lavishly decorated restaurants and stuff.

Then came the 14 hour flight. It IS a very long time, don't get me wrong, and by the end my back was VERY achy and my legs definitely craved stretching but also they keep the windows closed and the lights low for most of the trip so you honestly kind of lose track of how long you've been on there.

Charles and I both watched some movies on the flight; we started the first two episodes of Severance (which was also provided on the flight and I've been curious about for a while anyway -- anyone else here seen it?) and played games on our Switches. I also read a lot; I loaded my e-reader up before we left. In a weird way it was kind of nice to have such a long, uninterrupted time where there was nothing to do but leisure activities even if you're doing them in a mostly uncomfortable way --I think Charles and I (Charles especially) struggle with justifying how we spend our free time, always feeling like there has to be something else we can be working on or doing, but it's kind of a bad habit and terrible mental state to always be in, so we're working on it. Unfortunately, neither of us managed to get much sleep on the flight despite our best efforts, I think I managed maybe 20 minutes total?? So it wasn't super restful for sure.

Thankfully, our flight was kinda ahead of schedule, and we ended up landing around 5:00 PM / 17:00 which is like....3:00 AM for those of you in the Eastern US timezone! We're 12 hours ahead of y'all, so when I'm writing this, I'm writing to you from the future!!!

After getting through customs and immigration, baggage, etc. we were stopped by a news crew from a show called Why Did You Come To Japan? They seem to stop tourists at the airport pretty regularly, and we ended up talking to them for a while. Charles said that as someone who used to be a camera guy himself, he always tries to stop for folks filming stuff like that, because he knows how hard it can be to get people to talk to you and work with you. They were very interested in the fact it was our honeymoon, and that we got engaged here, and even more interested that we were really into Oishinbo, which is a food manga from the 80s/90s. It's not super popular in the US although personally I love & recommend it, and I kinda get the impression from the crew we spoke to that it's a classic but kinda old fashioned here. They said in all their years of doing these interviews, it was their first time having a foreigner mention it. They gave us a card and a slip of paper and asked us to contact them again, because they may be interested in meeting up with us again later in our trip to film more for the show (!?) so we'll see how that pans out I guess!

Speaking of, after we finally left the airport, we took the Skyliner train to Nippori, and then transferred to a JR Line train to get us to Shinjuku station. We've stayed in Shinjuku for at least part or all of our trips in the past, and it kind of feels like a home base for us now. We usually stay in or around the Kabukicho area, which is known as an entertainment district with lots of nightlife. If you want brilliantly lit signs and that crowded cyberpunk-y look, Kabukicho is a great place to be!

NOT THAT IT SUPER MATTERS, BUT the card in the photo, with Hello kitty and other Sanrio characters on it, is a Pasmo card, we each got one. Basically it's a little card that you can add money to, and you can use it to pay fare on most trains and buses, as well as lots of vending machines and stuff like that. You can top it off as you go as well.

We checked in to our hotel, the Shinjuku Gracery, and IMMEDIATELY needed to stretch out on the bed and shower the sweaty airport off of us, haha. The Gracery is built on top of a Toho Cinema movie theater, and the whole hotel has a very classy Godzilla theme to it. There's a to-scale Godzilla head built on top of part of the building, looking like he's about to demolish it, and he roars and blows steam out of his mouth, haha. To be honest, a night in the Gracery is one of our "we're on our honeymoon, we deserve this!" splurges -- it's one of the more expensive parts of our trip, given the rest of the time we'll be staying in smaller hotels and airbnbs and the like. We dished out a little extra cash to stay in what they call a Godzilla view room, where you can see the head of Godzilla that is mounted to the roof of the hotel from your room! Totally cool. I had to include specifically a picture of the shower, because I loooove these big hotel showers!

(sadly the filter for this exhibit not only doesn't fit my phone screen but also insanely reduced the image quality LOL)

We took a rest, then headed out to get a bite to eat. We hit up a ramen shop we'd been to in the past, and spent a while walking around the Kabukicho area, including the micro-bar district, Golden Gai. It was interesting to see what's changed and what hasn't since we were here last; for example, they were in the process of demolishing a VR arcade when we were last here, and now there's an ENORMOUS, lux-looking hotel in its place!

We ended up in the unfortunate position of feeling physically very tired but mentally pretty awake, and even though we spent time in our hotel room soaking in the bath, it was probably 1 AM our time before we actually fell asleep, meaning we were up for like....32 hours straight, I think?

Today, our plan is to check out a few shops in the area around Kabukicho, and a little later we'll be checking out and moving on to Akihabara, where our next hotel is. It's well known for being crammed with electronics and used and new like....nerd stuff, and is pretty close to a district jam packed with guitar shops, so we'll have a pretty full day! Stay tuned I suppose!!

Til next time!

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sillyrabbit81 · 1 year

Note

Hey there Bunny, how ya doin? Been a while since I stopped by to say Hi and check up on a fellow Aussie. Ive been lurking around but haven't seen you on my dash for a while. RUOK?? Always around to lend an ear, if you need one to hear. Big squishy hugs 💜💜💜

Hey!

Thank you for reaching out. Thats really kind of you.

I haven't been around as much lately. But I am doing okay. I have had a few people asking me similar things lately so, I might just let it all out here and tell people whats going on.

IRL things have been a lot for me lately and I just haven't had the time/headspace to be as active. Plus, if I have an hour or two to sit at my computer, I'm usually using that time to write (or stare at the doc and force out 50 words LOL).

The IRL stuff is mostly about my kids, but I also have had issues lately with my own mood regulation and other issues. Turns out I have Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), which I tell people is basically like PMS but on Liver King levels of steroids. I think I've had symptoms of this for a couple of years, but its recently gotten much worse and I have seen an endocrinologist recently and started a treatment plan that will hopefully help, but it will take a couple of months before I will see any results.

I don't generally talk publicly about my family. Mainly because I feel like my blog and writing is my safe haven, a place for just me. But there has been a lot going on lately so maybe it will make me feel better to talk about it real quick. A lot of people who I talk to in chat/DMs already know most of this anyway.

Both my kids and my husband are on the Autism Spectrum.

My son is 13 and just started high school, so that has been a tough transition for him. He has been involved in a couple of incidents that has resulted in his suspension. Supporting him through that has been tricky and dealing with the school and trying to get the right supports in place for him has also been a slog.

My daughter is 8 and she requires a lot of support at school. She really struggles at school and so there is a lot of time spent ensuring she gets the supports she needs. On top of that, about 6 months ago she had a tonic-clonic seizure that was quite serious and lasted for over 10 minutes. After some testing was then diagnosed with epilepsy, probably as a result from a brain injury she suffered during her birth (she had a lack of blood flow and needed an emergency c-section). So its been trial and error with meds, (she also has absent seizures which we noticed a few times) but after a while we thought things were okay. A couple of weeks ago, she had another serious seizure and we were back in hospital.

So yeah, while I'm okay and my family are mostly okay, there has been a lot going on for me IRL over the past few months that has obviously taken precedence. But, I'm still around when I can be. I still want to be around and still love to write and make gifs and stuff, but its just been a matter of priorities and a significantly limited free time compared to what I previously had.

I hope you are doing well! I hope you're going to have a nice summer break (if we actually get a summer... I know in Sydney its bloody cold so far!) And thanks again for reaching out. That was really sweet of you.

❤️ Rabbit

#mis-lil-red #ask sillyrabbit81

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babytowntm · 1 year

Text

Time for an update !

Hey dear strangers I finally got another update to talk about. It has been done I am now a member of a drivers license course and I'll be having my first lesson this coming thursday at half past six until eight pm. I am very excidet!! The registration was very fast and easy and ithe people were very nice. They already gave me my login information for their app as well so I've been studying quite a bit ^^ I did a test recently and from 140 questions, I only got 6 wrong.

Aside from that I've been catching up on some uni work and I am almost finished with another course. So I'm doing great there as well!

On some other news though, work has been exhausting!! Between the end of march and easter coming around, I've been sick for two weeks and it really showed when I went back to work. Since my employer and I are the only people working, a lot of stuff has piled up that we both are struggling to keep up with. It's like christmas season all over again! Plus, a lot of companies have been calling us and wanting to know when their orders are gonna be ready (despite them only bringing in said order maybe three days prior).

It's been a bit lonely if I'm honest, considering we ALL work . We've really been drifting apart and I dont know why. I've tried so hard to connect and be there, always on time for discord calls, initiating contact with them but it all fails. They either say they do not have the time or just don't answer and don*t shop up to any calls. But it's been weird cause they also invite me to their birthdays? But then again they could be doing that out of pure boredom or just because they dont wanna make it awkward.

But then again I am no better. I basically blocked a good friend of mine because our views and morals don't align but I don't have the balls to say that to him. Maybe it is because I've lost respect for him or because he lives pretty far away and I only see him a few times a year. Idk.

My mind has been pretty jumbled lately when it comes to friendships in general. On one hand a friend of my boyfriend's basically told me deep secret about him and within the span of a month I've come to find him more annoying than ever. I don*t know why. I feel bad because I cannot actually pin point on why he annoys me. Maybe it is the fact that he carelessly tosses my time and efforts around like they do not mean anything to him, or the fact that he always has something to say and always an opinion to give on anything even when no one asked. But whatever it may be he has been getting on my nerves more and more.

#diary #diary entry #creative writing #author #journal #journaling #online diary

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hogarthwrites · 2 years

Text

one thing leads to another chapter 3

pairing: samuel drake/femme!reader (m/f)

genre: romance, smut, slow burn

words: 736

summary:

You and Sam get to know each other and he begins to feel things he hasn't felt in a while.

chapters: 1 2

You rubbed your eyes as you read the passage in front of you over and over. It was way past 5 PM, and you chose to work overtime to avoid thinking about how lonely you were.

Sam had stayed as well, reading at his desk, but as he watched you struggle to focus, he got up to make coffee.

“Here,” he placed the mug on the coaster on your desk.

“Thanks,” you gave him a small smile as you sipped the hot drink. “I needed that.”

Sam grinned as he pulled a chair up to your desk. “Don't work yourself too hard, kid. We don't have a due date.”

“Holden’s not gonna ask about it?”

“Eh, Victor will deal with him,” Sam shrugged. “Trust me I've worked with worse rich assholes before. At least I know Holden doesn't know how to use a gun or a sword.”

“Weirdly specific, but okay,” you chuckled. “How long have you been doing all this, Sam?”

“Hm,” he sighed as he looked up. “Since I was a kid. Had a long stint in jail, but it hasn't stopped me.”

“Jail?” You raised an eyebrow and you leaned closer. “What the hell did you do?”

“It's a long story.”

“I've got time,” you said a little too enthusiastically. Truth was, you liked being around Sam and you really didn't want to go home yet. “It's just 7 PM.”

“Guess it won't hurt to give you a recap,” Sam chuckled. “Buckle down, it's quite a ride.”

You faked putting on a seatbelt, making Sam laugh before he started. That's how you learned about how he “died” in Panama, and that his brother has been doing treasure hunting gigs with Sully while Sam was stuck.

You listened in awe as Sam told stories of Henry Avery and the adventures he had with his brother in Scotland and Madagascar. It was almost hard to believe.

“Hard to believe, huh?” Sam read your mind.

“A little…” Your eyebrows furrowed. “So all that treasure is just gone?”

“Not exactly.”

Sam stood up and you watched as he walked to his desk. He kneeled next to you.

“Hold out your hand.”

You held it out and he placed a few doubloons on your palm. They shined in the dim light.

“No way,” your mouth dropped. “You're telling me these are actual pirate doubloons?”

He just smiled and shrugged simply.

“It helps keep the business afloat when times are bad,” he took them in his hands again. “This is our little secret, okay?”

You nodded, feeling proud to share something with Sam.

“Good girl,” he winked before he hid the doubloons again.

“Shouldn't you keep those in a bank or something?”

“Don't trust ‘em,” Sam sat back in his seat. “Don't worry I hid the rest somewhere else.”

“Thank you for sharing that with me,” you said softly. “Promise I won't tell anyone.”

“I hope so,” he laughed.

“But also, you can talk to me, Sam,” you added and he gave you a different look. An almost curious look. “I know it must've been difficult all those years locked away.”

“Thank you.”

Sam felt a warmth in his chest. When was the last time anyone talked to him like that?

“Oh, right,” he stood up again and walked to your desk. “My birthday's next weekend. It's not exactly a party, but we're gonna have a get-together at my place.”

“I’ll bring a present.”

“If you must know, I enjoy motorcycles,” Sam smiled. “But seriously, you don't have to.”

“Come on,” you nudged him with your foot. “It's your birthday. It should be special.”

“Well, here's my address, may I?” He picked up your pen and your sticky note pad and scribbled away. “It's gonna be at 8.”

“Can't wait,” you took the paper back. Sam’s handwriting was loopy like a doctor’s, and he drew a little heart on the bottom.

“And with that,” Sam put his hands on his hips. “I must ask you to please go home and rest.”

You chuckled and glanced at your watch. 10 PM. Darn it. You gathered all your stuff and stood in front of Sam.

“Well, this is goodbye.”

“Message me when you're home safe, alright?” His eyes were soft as he looked at you.

“I will,” you smiled at him before turning to the door. “Goodnight, Sam.”

“Goodnight,” he replied softly as you closed the door.

He really liked you.

#sam drake #sam drake x reader #sam drake fanfiction #uncharted fanfiction

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project-xviii · 1 year

Text

THE AWAKENING

AKT I

23 November 20XX

19:34 pm

"Maxie i need you to pick up the resources from Gary. Can you do that for me?" Kay said through the gadget she was currently holding.

"i got you friendo."

"Great! I'll see you in the afternoon."

Maxie packed away the gadget and got on the rails. The grass was covered in a thinn layer of ice that had frozen due to the cold breeze. Some of the mountains already had sprinkles of white powder on top. The trains were going crazy and running all around the land. It was the season before the great cold and If they wanted to make it through it, they needed resources.

Maxie drove past some familiar faces. All of them were preparing aswell for the winter time. Most of the machinery was already shut down so that energy could be spared for a reasonable time. Overall it was chaotic and loud. Trains of all sizes and shapes running around like crazy. It took Maxie quite some time and patience to squizze through the crowd. Where is this? Where is that? Where did you put it? It was all she could hear.

All around her were voices, loud voices, some kind, some not. All this confusion made her feel so small. She was like a drop of water in a small puddle. Small and weak. But of course that was not enough to weaken her spirit.

It was always something all the other trains admired. Maybe she was small but inside her was a lion, that always stood his ground.

A bit of struggle and a few bump-in's here and there, a she was free again. She waved to some of her friends, they cheerfuly waved back and all returned to continuing their job.

A few miles of nothing but frozen ground later she eventualy saw the face she was looking for.

"Hi Gary!" Maxie cheerfuly exclaimed.

"Hello Maxie," the old rattler greeted her. "Are you the one Kay send out?

"Yes siree."

"How lovely. I've already prepared the package, it's right there." He pointed towards three wagons filled to the brim with coal.

"Are those rocks? What do we need rocks for?"

"Oh Maxie." Gary chuckled. "You're close, but those aren't rocks, it's coal."

"Why do we need this 'coal'?"

"We need it to keep the fire in the chimney burning. If we didnt have any coal for the winter, we would've been freezing inside our own homes.

"Huh, so this 'coal' must be really important. No wonder Kay wanted me to bring it to the plaza." She drove towards the wagons and hooked them. She then looked worried at the old kind man.

"Do you have any for yourself? I don't want you to freeze in the Winter."

"Oh don't worry kiddo, i still have plenty of it. In fact i am so packed with it i don't even know where to put it anymore." Gary replied causing Maxie to let out a chuckle. "Besides, it's nice to share your stuff with your friends, ya know?"

"Oh i know." Maxie responded. "Well, it was nice talking to you sir, but im afraid i have to head back already. I'll see you another time."

"it was nice talking to you aswell. And tell your friends that i wish them the best of luck during winter."

"i will tell, take care Gary!" She bid him farewell. Next Thing she knew her wheels we're dragging her Body and the wagons forward. After a few seconds she sped up the pace, slowly distancing herself from Gary. After a little while she was running on the rails like a fish in water.

"Take care, and be careful!" Gary exclaimed from behind, turning smaller and quiter by every second.

22:49 pm

Maxie decided to go north, it was a long way for sure, but atleast it was quiet and she didnt have to squizze through any chaos.

She knew that at this hour the people would've been the most bussy. After a long day of working, everyone would've been packing their stuff into their storage or shed. The great cold always had a habit of surprising people. A few years back Alf forgot to put his toolbox back into his workshop. The next morning He had to shovel the snow for 7 hours just so he could find it again. After that he always made sure that his toolbox was at it's place. Till this day Duck jokes about it.

As she was driving, snow started falling from the sky and was starting to cover the land in a thinn white blanket. But with every mile the blanket got thicker and thicker, burrying anything that had been roaming around.

Maxie was already tired and the snow was making it difficult for her, but she refused to give up. Despite the weather conditions she still kept going.

To keep herself entertained she started observing her surroundings and looking for anything interessting. Sometimes she imagened herself a person that would parcour at her speed and jump around all the different rocks, lights and fences that we're next to the rails. But eventually that got boring and she got back to observing again.

She counted 67 birds, 43 sheep, 4 rabbits, 1 young deer and... old tracks... Maxie stopped.

Connected to the rails she was currently on, was an old rusty track. Unlike the newer and more modern rails, these were partialy made of wood. Most of it's screws were missing and the ones that remained we're barely holding themselfs. The Wood itself wasn't in the best state either. Many boards were missing, most were snapped in half and other were broken into hundred tiny splinters.

Her eyes wandered forward, the tracks led towards the northern land or the forbidden land as some called it. She never knew why, but the elder trains always kept a distance from this area. She always thought it was weird, i mean there was nothing special about it, it was just a large empty and hollow zone. And yet something was off about it...

Maxie was pulled back once her hunger kicked in.

At this time she would've been eating her last meal before preparing to go to sleep, but instead of doing that she was standing, in the middle of no where.

She thought to herself. She was already tired and hungry and the plaza was still a few miles away, it wouldn't hurt to use a short cut. Normaly in order to reach the plaza, you had to make a big circle around the roaring mountain, which worked as a "fence" of sort, dividing the forbidden land from the rest of the world. The old tracks apeared to run straight through the northern land. It would've been much quicker for her to get there.

She took another quick look at the rails. While the Wood was in a bad state to say the least, the Metal beams seemed durable enough for her.

She looked around, making sure nobody had seen her, she backed up and got on the tracks. The Wood cracked and creaked under her wheels, but it still managed to hold her.

She slowly crawled forward, going carefully and steady. Once she got used to it, she focused in what was infront of her. Suddenly she noticed something moving from the corner of her eye. Was.. was that a... train?

"MAXIE?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" A female voice shrieked. Maxie looked behind her and recognized a kind face, it was Janne.

"Get out of there! It's dangerous!" Janne yelled out. Surprised and embarrased, Maxie backed out.

"What we're you thinking? Why are you even here this late?"

"Because- um... N-nevermind." She mumbled.

Janne sighed. "Atleast you're alright. Come on, your friends are probably worried about you."

The peach train drove forward at a slow pace. Maxie followed her soon after.

Janne was also transporting resources. Instead of people she usually brought, she was carrying containers, heavy old containers. There was not a single spot on the cylinder boxes were paint wasn't scratched or scraped off. On the side were different symbols that were placed into bloody red triangles. When the red color was hit with light, it sparked a neon orange color you simply couldn't ignore. However all the different signs and sentences weren't anything of her intrest. She was intrested in its contents. She continued looking and eventuelly found her answer.

On the side of the container, written in capital letters was one word: Fuel.

Maxie backed off out of disgust. She always found the substance to be very yucky. For her kind fuel wasn't only some kind of drink, it was also their secondary blood. Maxie had always hated blood and fuel, probably because she saw some movies that she shouldn't have watched at her age. Even the simplest thought of a pile of blood was enough to send a sharp shiver down her spine.

She shook her head and looked for something else, hopping she won't think about that substance.

She glanzed to her left, nothing. All she could see was an empty filed that was constatly covered in newer layers of snow. She then looked to her right, nothing either. Just the Side of the massive roaring mountain that had nothing interessting except rocks and bones.

After a long while Maxie still continued driving behind Janne, until her curiosity finally broke through and spoke out.

"Why is that place so dangerous?"

"Huh?"

"Why is that place so dangerous? I mean, it's just empty land, what could possibly harm me?"

"You don't know?" Janne stopped and looked at her with shock in her eyes.

"Know what?" Maxie questioned.

"You really don't know about the monster?"

"What monster?" Maxie's confusion grew.

"Well..." She explained. "A very long time ago, there was a war on the wasteland. People were fighing for the land and the battle never seemed to end, atleast that's what they thought..."

"Did someone finally win?"

"No no, they all lost. All their weapons and machinery made so much noise they accidentaly woke up a massive beast that slept on the mountain!"

"No way! What happened after that?"

"No one's really for sure. All the soldiers and sargents were suddenly gone, there weren't even any traces left! It was almost as If they were swallowed by the ground."

"Maybe the monster ate them!"

"Probably. But even after their 'meal' there would've been some traces of it. Some people went there to investigate. Most returned home with nothing, others never returned."

"Never?"

"Never."

"Well... Maybe... Maybe they found the truth. Did anyone even look for them?"

"Their families and friends did. As much as they tried they still didn't find them."

"I could try to find them."

"i mean you can try, but i doubt you'll find someone alive. These people disapeared decades, even centuries ago."

"Oh..." Maxie frowned.

"Don't be sad Maxie. I know it feels bad when you can't help someone. But sadly there's nothing we can do about it now..." Janne comforted her.

The wind got stronger and the snow became heavier. The girls' tracks were slowly disapearing under the white fluff. Their lights were partcialy useless at this time. Instead of showing the way, all it did was shine it's bright light on snowflakes that blocked their view. Janne was not pleased.

Maxie felt her eyelids becoming heavy and drooping onto her eyes. Her tires were loosing their strengh and the wagons she carried felt like massive builders. The girl rocked back and forth, barely standing. She cuddled onto Janne so she wouldn't tip over, but that only made her feel more sleepy.

"Oh you poor thing." Janne sighed. "You must be extremly tired by now. Come on, just a few more miles and you'll be home. You can do it."

"I'll try..." she yawned.

The two trains moved forward in a slow pace. Maxie couldn't wait to finally cuddle herself up with fluffy warm blankets near the window and fall into a deep sleep.

As they drove through the covers of snow, the young girls mind was filling up with questions. What was the monster? What did it look like? Did someone manage to survive and find out the truth? Did someone live there? As much as she wanted to push those thoughts aside and think about the sweet and warm comfort of her home, she Just couldn't push them away. Everytime she did a new question came to her mind. Another mystery she wanted to solve.

"Hey Janne?"

"Yes Maxie?"

"Would you ever want to find out the truth?"

"No."

"No? Why not?"

"Because the truth won't be pretty. We know about the war, we know about the brutality and insensitivity of the people taking part in it. Whatever it was that made those people disapear, it was not kind.

Im sure that eventualy we will know the truth, sooner or later that thing is going rear it's ugly head around and someone would need to deal with it. But we shouldn't worry about it right now.

Leave the monsters to the wasteland. We did not start that mess and we shouldn't be the ones dealing with it and it's consequences."

With that being said, the two approached the plaza. Maxie thanked her for her company and bid Janne farewell. She then drove to her station where she unhooked the coal filled wagons and locked them in the resource shed. Nextly she walked all the way back to her home. The silent song of the grasshopper chirping was heard in the grass and from afar an owls hoot was percievable.

At around midnight, the young train entered her home. Her little dorm was as messy as in the morning. With barely any energy left she went to the small kitchen and made herself a quick snack before bed. Once she was done she unconciosly dragged herself to her bed, where she plopped on it and dozed into a sweet and deep dream...

#robot trains #the catering #AU

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hadesfucks · 1 year

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⚠️vent post⚠️

Unrequited love

I saw her on the first day of the semester, sitting front row in some shitty English gen Ed I’m sure I’m gonna fail. She was wearing a leather jacket and had a hufflepuff lanyard and all I could think about was her for the rest of the week. Second day of class we get paired for an icebreaker, and listen I hate this class but that professor has my undying gratitude just for that. I fumbled and let it slip that I noticed her the day before because god she’s just so pretty and we started hanging out almost everyday. She makes everything just a little bit brighter. When she walks in 5 minutes late with her coffee that she spent half an hour in line for. Who spends half an hour in line for a coffee? I made fun of her for it the first couple of times, now it’s just a staple of the day.

I smoke 🍃 now. Well, to be fair I have for a while now, but I’ve only really started doing it more since I’ve met her. She invites me over to smoke in her dorm all the time but I turn her down because I’m terrified of not being 100% in control when I’m around her. I’m scared I’ll say something stupid.

She still texts me when she does tho. One time she hadn’t and I texted her to see how she was, and she started flirting with me. In the morning I found out about her boyfriend. I remember thinking “Yeah he’s gonna kill me, but I’m not too attached to the mortal plane rn anyways”. I don’t really want a repeat of that disaster. Now when she smokes I sit my phone in another room, play stardew instead.

This past week she’s been struggling with some family stuff. One morning after a particularly bad day she didn’t text me, she usually always does as soon as she wakes up. I figured she needed some space so I didn’t ask. Until 8:30 turned into 3 pm and I was getting worried. Turns out she’s taking next year off. She was apparently scared to tell me but didn’t know why. I told her I was proud of her for putting herself first and I think that eased her anxiety a bit.

But god am I gonna miss this girl. I never had her in the first place, so I really shouldn’t feel this way. She lives with her boyfriend back home. She used to talk about how much she hated him, now she just doesn’t talk about it at all. I know that once the semesters over I won’t ever see her again, and I don’t really know how to come to terms with that. It’s hard to love someone who can’t love you back. It’s even harder when they can, they do, they just won’t. I guess that makes my title a little inaccurate. It’s not unrequited, it’s just not wanted. I guess it doesn’t matter any more though.

Me and my buddy are throwing a small going away party, and that’ll really be the last time I spend real time with her. I’ll wave goodbye and then I’ll leave because her boyfriend can’t see me around when he comes to pick her up. And then I’ll go home and I’ll eat a pint of ice cream over a movie like I’m in some romcom, and it’ll suck until it doesn’t.

It’ll suck until it doesn’t.

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idontlikeem · 1 year

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i have some hockey-related asks, i'm going to try to get to them tomorrow. sorry guys, been a bad mental health weekend for me.

i thought maybe writing about it would help, so that's under the cut, but i'm discussing mental health stuff and a bit of food stuff so please don't click and read if you're sensitive to that, and even if you're not don't feel any obligation to click and read lol i just am complaining mostly.

as someone who's had mild clinical depression and moderate generalized anxiety for basically my whole life, it's kind of...shocking to me to sometimes pull my head up and look around and see just how badly i'm being affected by acute situational depression.

it has a different flavor and a different feel. i'm familiar with the struggle to motivate, the lack of desire to get tasks i find unpleasant done even when i know i have to do them, and the occasional bouts of like...idk just Existential Sad. i've always had that, and i've always been able to sort of stiff-upper-lip my way through it and come out feeling better after a few hours or days of feeling not so great.

this? jesus christ.

i cannot make myself get out of bed in the mornings more than a few minutes before i have to log on for work. i lose time during the work day just staring into space. i haven't taken my dog for a long walk in weeks (now part of that is due to the very extreme weather and now my fucked-up knee, but if those things hadn't happened i cannot with confidence say i'd be out there with her). i lie down and just want to...stay there.

i've always been a comfort/stress-eater. i've struggled with my weight for always, not exactly helped along with my mom's absolutely awful approach to body image and like. idk just general care and maintenance of a teenage girl's weight, this is all stuff i don't even want to get into lol, but suffice to say that i am not at my healthiest physical self and have for years sort of made myself feel better with little snacks. but now? i don't eat all day and it's like i can feel that i'm hungry, i understand that the reason my stomach hurts is because it's 4:45 pm and i haven't had anything but coffee today, but i cannot get myself to get up and go downstairs and have something. i bought protein shakes and those have been getting me through the really bad days, but even though they're the brand and flavor i like best when i'm training for long runs (koia vanilla bean and chocolate brownie btw if anyone needs recommendations), they taste like chalk and i have to force them down.

the insidious part is i think i'm doing ok. i get through a work day and maybe, like, do the dishes and say 'hey! look at me, being independent. i'm doing just fine'. and then i walk past the giant pile of stuff i've ordered to try and make myself feel better and haven't even opened. there's a pile of boxes downstairs that i cannot motivate myself to open. i go past it and i go upstairs and i lie down and that's it. the whole afternoon and evening passes and i just stare at my phone trying to keep my mind blank because if i don't i start crying and can't stop.

you can find articles out there that outside of the literal death of a spouse or child, divorce is one of the most stressful events a person can go through. and i fucking believe it. i have never felt this bad for this long in my whole entire life.

i hate feeling like this and it's been worse this weekend than since this whole fucking thing started, i think, and it's so DUMB because we actually got some good news with my mom (along with some bad but that's end-stage cancer for you), so you'd think that would pick me up and help me? you'd think i could have used these days to do some of the things i need to do, like actually putting my clothes in the dresser i finally bought? but no. i've spent basically since friday night getting out of my bed long enough to take daisy to do her business when she needs to go and use the bathroom myself, and that's...it, basically.

this is so stupid. there are so many worse things in life than this, so many people who are going through really bad shit, but all i can do is sit here and thing about how fucking worthless and thrown-away i feel. how pointless. like i'm a piece of trash that just can be discarded when someone's done using it up.

i don't even miss him. right? like i don't. he was bad for me. but holy shit.

#personal #this is so fucking whiny #i'm so angry at myself for not doing something but i CAN'T #i thought this would make me feel better but it's just made me feel even more pathetic #and i know what i should be doing but i just. can't. i can't do it! i can't do anything!

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vanaera · 2 years

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So I guess I am back

Hello, this is just a random update. It's been so long. I think I left this blog inactive for 2 years(?). So...basically life happened. I graduated from uni, struggled in the last 2 years of uni, and now I'm in my 1st year in law school.

Anyways, I'm here just to let ya'll know I'm still alive and I'm still planning to finish my ongoing fics (especially The Heart Holiday and TPAHR). I missed my babies so much.

For those who waited for me, thank you so much for your patience and I apologize for this super late notice and quite tired(?)-sounding post. Law school messed up my sleeping schedule and I sleep an average of 3 hours daily so I hope for your kind understanding.

So for just a quick catch-up on what I've been up to before I left this app:

🌸 I had COVID in 2021 and I almost delayed myself from graduating bc I was so sick and I was struggling with my thesis that I felt the need to drop it. Luckily, I didn't drop it and I was able to finish it on time. Big shout out to my family who knew I would hate myself if I didn't graduate on time and supported me all throughout my thesis era. Ya girl is a Magna Cum Laude graduate 🏅

🌸 I applied for law school, not really thinking I would get in (bc I was already dying bc of my thesis and the review period starts the same period of my thesis writing). I just applied for the experience so if I fail, at least I already know how to answer the exam for the following year. So I was shocked that not only did I pass, I was able to get into the top law school in my country.

🌸 I rekindled my love for watching anime and reading mangas/manhwas/manhuas. I've been in love with these stuff since I was 6 yrs old and they helped me keep sane in the past 2 years.

🌸 I love Haikyuu and I've been an avid fanfic reader of Haikyuu fics. It's amazing and I enjoyed myself a lot so expect some reblogs of anime-related content.

🌸 Last anime watched: Chainsaw Man

🌸 Last manhwa read: We are not Dating

🌸 I still love BTS and I listen to their music although I'm not as active as a fan like I used to be. I also started stanning groups like ATEEZ and The Boyz.

🌸 I started getting into Western shows (sorry, Kdramas took up the entire 20 years of my life) and oh my god, I love Breaking Bad and that show is hands-down one of the best I've ever seen. Better Call Saul is amazing (tho I haven't finished this yet) and Stranger Things is also cool.

🌸 Currently enjoying my subjects Criminal Law and Civil Law. I hate Political Law bc it's kinda draining and the cases are boring and my god the great disparity of page numbers in Political Law cases - they're either 10 pages long or 185 pages long and I have to read them all (they're 11 Arial, single spacing, narrow margin).

That's all for tonight as it's already 11:52 PM here and I have to get back to studying. Anyways, it's great to see ya'll again and I can't wait to start writing again in this blog! 🤗💖 Have a good week ahead, cuties! I'm wishing you all the best in your school/work/other stuff you're doing! 🍀💗🍀💗

#announcement #hello again

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justapersonwholovescats · 1 year

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Introductions:

Recently I’ve had a creative hit and need to let out all this built up energy for it.

I wanted to try out something a little different. I’ve always participated in the 2012!TMNT role plays for years now, but after watching the RotTMNT movie a few times inspiration hit me. I’ve never done RotTMNT before in a role play, so if I mess anything up, please bear with me.

••••••••••••••••••••••

Plot Background:

It’s been months since the Kraang incident for the RotTMNT gang. Casey has stuck around for the most part, mainly going about doing his own thing. April is in college. And the four have been doing their usual business. Although, they have attempted to help clean up the city in the beginning after dark hit as they felt bad for partially destroying the city, being a bit to blame themselves.

Over time NewYork went back to normal for the most part. As normal as one can get after being attacked by aliens that is. It’s taken a toll on businesses and people alike, especially the main four mutant turtles. They’re all struggling to work past their trauma alike between each other and by themselves in their own personal time.

One normal day in the lair: Everybody relaxed, doing their own things, goofing off, etc. Nothing crazy had happened for the last few months and it seemed they were all glad about that. That was, until a portal opened.

It wasn’t one they had seen before. Purple glowing swirls almost seemed enticing to step through entirely on looks alone. Not even a few seconds later two mutant turtles (or mutant turtle and people) were thrown through the passage way. It didn’t seem that the two knew where they were entirely as they sprung back up to get through the portal once again.

It was far too late as the portal quickly closed, leaving bare brick wall in front of them all instead.

During the twos time stranded here in the newer version of themselves home, little do any of them know that the RotTMNT Kraang is going to make a comeback after sensing a new portal opening. They scheme carefully and plan to attack sooner rather than later…

••••••••••••••••••••••

Role Play Rules:

—I’m Literate to Advanced Lit.+ So I’m looking for somebody who can match my style. For usual replies I write 2-3 paragraphs, and sometimes more depending on how many characters are being played, inspiration, etc.

—Not really into NSFW stuff.

—I’m fine with gore and horror as long as it portrays to the plot and is talked about beforehand.

—I don’t have many triggers but I will respect any that you have.

—I’m fine with mental health issues that characters may have. Even the heavy ones.

—Please don’t spam me. I have a busy life most of the time so I might not reply every single day.

—I can’t think of anymore at the moment but if I do I’ll let you know.

••••••••••••••••••••••

Ending Points:

I’m always down to add in or trade ideas for this plot! I’d like for the two coming in through the portal to be from the 2012 series since that’s what I’m comfortable rping as — BUT if you’re wanting to rp as someone from a different universe you’re more than welcome to do that as well!

If you’re interested in role playing this with me, just make sure to read through all my rules. And then either send me a PM and I’ll get back to you soon as I can :))

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tiredsoundsofagnes · 1 year

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the first week of the year has gone past us! i want to start documenting and using tumblr as some type of diary - so here's a lot of pictures and writing about the week!!! if you all find it interesting then i'd gladly post more stuff like this (i will do it anyways but i want to know if its fun to read or not??) OK HERE IT IS:

me n my beloved before the first indie club! very cute very cute in my opinion >:) i was a bit nervous since this was the first club of the year and there was gonna be like. A LOT of people since it was the only club open in this bastard city.

speakin of cute... heres us right before i started playing! first pic is adorable and i look goofy but happy in the second one. who knew a goth and a twee kid could fall in love?! this was actually their first indieclub EVER (they do NOT like indie though so it makes sense...)

very tired outside the club... drinking the first trocadero can of the year (thanks to my friend axel) this was the fifth of january (or technically the 6th since it was 4 am)

then we went home, slept like angels until 1 pm, ordered pizza, kept watching the owl house and just enjoyed being around eachother. i have never been this in love before and it feels like ive met the love of my life? more about that in the future...

on to the 7th of january... this was a DJ set at a new "rock" restaurant. i have eaten there once before and it was really really cool, they only played REALLY good indie. they hit me up on instagram and were like "hi we have heard you are a super good dj, we want you to have a club in our bar" and i was like DAMN OK. i invited a bunch of pals and played for five hours! IT WAS SO SO SO FUN??? there was no dancefloor so the focus was on singalong...

here was my outfit before it got hellishly hot! twee as fuck! my swaged out computer and its stickers right by my side...

SILLY PIC OF ME AND MY BELOVED MID SET! idk how they can be so cute but hey thats life innit mate...

me and my friend simon during the last song of the night... my friend was like HEY LETS TAKE AN INDIE SLEAZE PIC and we were like YES. the white stuff on the tip of my nose was from kissing my partner. the struggles of loving a goth huh....... anyways simon is a legend, we met through going to the same indie clubs and connected because we are always the most energetic dumbasses in the dance floor. he always bombs me with love when i play and says stuff like "YOU ARE THE BEST DJ IN TOWN" and it was my silly little heart <3

we catched the last bus home and slept until late. the next two days consisted of me and my partner (oh yeah their name is tilda hi) being in bed watching dumb shit and being cute. we baked a pizza and it owned. they took the train to their stupid little town and we cried. we might see eachother very soon though, ill keep yall updated!

THAT WAS THE FIRST WEEK! THANKS FOR READING IF U DID!

#tireddiary #LET ME KNOW IF THIS IS INTERESTING #loved making this #tiredsoundsofagnes #twee

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raspberry-pudding · 2 months

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4/8/2024

It's been awhile since I've made a post and I think I'd like to before I have to go into work today. It's only a 5 hour shift, so it'll be over in no time, but damn -- only 5 hours? Why even be there at that point?

I've recently put my foot down about the days I'm available at work, so I finally have a consistent weekly schedule that doesn't change much. The times might change, but I'm now only available three days a week, giving me four days a week to work on my projects. I'm really excited to have a routine come back into my life. There are so many things I've put to the side this year for work, and all of them are technically much more important than this job. Ugh, I just, can't wait to have a consistent schedule, even if the times might be different every week at least it's always the same days.

Let's talk about how my weed addiction is going below the cut.

I think the last time I posted, I talked about a friend I've made who is much deeper in the addiction than I am and how that's made me feel like I'm not really an addict. I think now, even though my problem isn't as extreme as others, I do still struggle with a problem that I need to cut out of my life. I might not be smoking the entire day, or doing high doses of THC like with a dab, but I notice that it's still impacting my life and keeping me from doing things that I want to do. It's like I come home from work, I smoke, and I just zone out on TikTok the entire evening. It's been a big problem, especially because I'm getting more and more bored in the evenings.

Another reason I really need to cut it out is my tendencies to snack more on weed. Especially the indica I'm using to help me sleep now -- I have to smoke it when I'm in bed. If I don't, and I just casually smoke it in the evening while at my desk or in the living room then I will eat anything in sight. To the point that my stomach still hurts the next day. It's bad.

Thankfully, I got a hybrid that doesn't make me hungry. Still, the dispensary isn't always going to have the non-munchie stuff in stock all the time.

I can't remember if it was Wednesday or Friday now that I was watching hotdiggedydemon, or Max G, stream and he was discussing his own problems with weed in the past. Also, how he's off it now, has never felt better, and agrees that it is an addictive substance. If anything, his talk about weed made me feel really validated that what I should be doing is the right choice.

Recently, I did have an evening where I smoked three joints -- three! But it was a one off thing because otherwise I've been good to only smoke one or two joints a day. My problem now though is that the first joint usually happens around 9 or 10 AM. I think that's way too early, but on my days off I struggle to restrict myself because it's so nice to smoke then clean the house. I do need to stop, though. I can't get high that early and expect to succeed at all the other things I want to do.

I'd like to start quitting by waiting to smoke around 4 or 5 PM and going back to one joint a day to ween myself off. I know my last plan didn't go well lol, when I said I was going to keep my weed in the basement. Maybe that could still be in the cards if I need it. So far, yesterday I got off work at 2 and did well to wait until after 4 to smoke. I think it's going to be my days off where I'll struggle the most.

In my head, I always see myself meditating to get past any cravings for weed I might have. But thinking about actually doing that makes me cringe a little. It's a little woo-woo, or hippy dippy. But maybe it's something that could help me. I don't really know though.

It's hard. I feel like I know so clearly the things I need to do to quit and get back the lifestyle I want, yet taking action feels impossible. And there's no reason for it to feel impossible.

It's a Monday, and I feel hopeful for myself that this is gonna be the week. But how many times have I told myself that for the past 2 years? At some point, it has to be true though.

Iris🪻

#recovering stoner #recovery #diary #self help #tw substance abuse #tw addiction #weed addiction #marijuana addiction #sobriety

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ihavesomeflowers · 1 year

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25/01/2023

I have a lot to say about today. Let's start from the beginning. I got up kind of late, at like 2 or 3 PM. That's already a bad sign since i tend to feel better about myself when i get up early, even if i don't end up doing anything, it helps and i feel more optimistic, even. I often watch this content creator, Jschlatt, and he has a channel called ''the weekly slap'' where he just chills and gives advice to people and he's said in the past how he feels the best when he's up and doing things, y'know? Like, getting up in the morning and tackling your day. That's what i strive to achieve, on days i can do that, it's great and even if i end up having a bad day i can at least say, ''i got up in the morning''.

As i said, today wasn't one of those days so i lament having missed out on the morning, it's my favourite time of day, after all. After getting up, i didn't have lunch just a weird kind of 4 PM breakfast that didn't make me too happy but it was food so whatever. After that, i did the dishes, again, while listening to the same podcast as yesterday. This episode talked about Emil Cioran who's quotes i started to read later on and he's quite an interesting fella. Needless to say, i enjoyed the episode a bunch, it made me feel better about my day which i can really appreciate. Here's one quote i like, ''I am displeased with everything. If they made me God, I would immediately resign.'' Honestly, who wouldn't?

And now onto the havier stuff. I had an argument with my girlfriend, well, kind of. I wouldn't exactly say ''argument'', more like, disagreement. This is something we have not seen eye to eye with for some weeks now. The issue is, she suggested meeting this weekend and i said maybe we should wait for the next one. The past few weeks, the same thing has been happening, she says we should see each other and i'm always hesitant. This isn't because i don't wanna see her, i love them more than anything else in the world, this is for external reasons. I have not been doing the best in terms of energy lately. Often times i feel drained and so so heavy, i can't even get up and eat during the day sometimes, i still talk with them and we call a good part of every day but meeting up in person takes so much out of me. She's asked me, ''Is it not worth it?'' and thinking about it, it is. She is worth everything and i am so sorry i struggle with giving her my best, i suppose it's something i'll have to continue working towards in the future.

Continuing with the topic, she said some stuff to me in a tone that i didn't like. This isn't the first time they talked to me very aggresively about this matter and i've explained it to her best as i could, how i'm working towards overcoming it and how sorry i am that it's hurting her in this way but it keeps hapening. They already said sorry and i can tell that she regrets it but the more happens, the more this issue is on my mind and the guiltier i feel. As i've hinted, we resolved it and we are actually on a call, currently. That's a thing i like about this relashionship, if we ever have a tense moment, we are usually alright in the next hour. Even if the problem itself isn't really resolved, i feel better about it after having talked with her about it while being more calm.

I also cried a bit while watching a video on Youtube, which isn't surprising from me, i tend to be quite emotional. I was watching TommyInnit's tribute to the DreamSMP which did quite a number on me, honestly. Laugh all you want but that server meant, and still means, so much to me. It has helped me during the hardest years of my life when i had absolutely no one. Quarentine had just started and i didn't have any friends, i hadn't met my girlfriend yet and i was never one to talk to my family. I was always isolated in my room feeling terrible about myself for not being able to do all of the schoolwork i had to do. After half a year in the pandemic, i just stopped trying. I stopped paying attention to the chats, i never attended the classes and with my parents having no way of knowing about this, they just assumed it was all normal. I felt so guilty and tired and lonely i could barely even bring myself to pretend i had a normal life anymore.

And so, i found Wilbur Soot and fell in love with his content. His jokes, personality, the timing of his commentary, his views on the world, his dramatism, it all made me think that that was exactly how i wanted to be. He quickly became an inspiration, a reason to be someone. Naturally, i came across this silly little series he has on this server and it was insane, i had actually found this piece of media i can let my feelings through. And so it began. So many people that have inspired me to be who i am today were part of this, Tommy, Wilbur, Technoblade, Jschlatt, all of them shaped me into the person i am today. They taught me confidence, bravery, originality, witt, they even sparkled the dramatic little flame that now lives inside of me, they were the ones to bring the theathre kid out of me, that's crazy to me.

In short, they mean a lot to me. The DreamSMP means a lot to me, and watching Tommy speak so passionetly about it and reflecting back on everything, from the people behind the cameras to the actual story and the characters and the relashionships and everything that it has brought to my life, it was a lot. Not in a bad way, of course, it just made me a bit more emotional then usual.

Well, i should really wrap this up, no one likes super long rants about nothing. I think i'll say yes to spending time with my girlfriend this weekend, i miss her. I also haven't done any duolingo stuff i said i was gonna do. Oops. The good thing is, there's always tomorrow, so let's hope i can write something in here in german then, that would be fun. Anyways, see you.

PD1: i love drinking water, makes me feel healthy even when i'm not.

PD2: i love my partner, they are so awesome.

PD3: longing and lament are cool words.

PD4: no hay.

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