#god i really need therapy back

[haunted-xander]

Do you think Saix' emotional co-dependence started as a Nobody or did it start as human Isa and just grew to an unhealthy degree?

#i like to think it started as a human partially bc that would make the most sense to me #(as xemnas/org xiii likes to use its members established weaknesses against them and saix/isas attatchment to axel/lea would be very easy to #manipulate him) #but also it furthers the parallels between saix' jealousy and rikus arc in kh1 #which i think is fun #obviously it wouldnt have been nearly as big a problem back then as it ended up being later on #partially bc isa wouldnt have been manipulated and gaslit so much but also #bc he wouldnt really have any fuel for it like saix got #no super-important super-secret mission they have to do #no forced emotional distance #and the idea of being 'replaced' would have been much more fueled purely by anxiety than any actual possibility of happening #oh and he also would have at least one other friend (subject x) #even if its one he wouldnt be able to talk to all the time #anyway im rambling. saix/isa got fucked up bad and i hope he gets loads of therapy bc god does he need it #isa #saix #lea #axel #leaisa #akusai #it feels kinda wrong to tag their noboy names when its them as a kids #kingdom hearts #kingdom hearts birth by sleep #kh #kh bbs #art #my art #xanders art #digital art #fan art

[chaosgremlim]

I’ll be completely honestly. I will judge you based on how you view Lottie Mathews. If you watch Yellowjackets and go calling her “psycho” “crazy” and judge her abhorent and manipulative for literally just having symptoms of her psychosis while UNMEDICATED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING WILDERNESS, I won’t trust you for shit.

#like #I get the girls thinking that #because they are in the wilderness with her going through the same stress in the freaking 90’s #and her delusions had serious impacts in their lifes and in their survival there #and the mysticism they formed around her and those delusions had a lasting impact #but you won’t see Lottie going around saying that her visions are the Word of God #heck #she spends almost the entirety of season two sitting by the window praying for the best #and what she does she does because in her mind those things are helping people #and it’s not her wicca tea sending people into murderous cannibalistic rampages #bestie needs actual therapy #and to go back to taking her meds #and KEEP HER AWAY FROM ELECTROCONVULSIVE THERAPY #That shit is barbaric #I feel very strongly about lottie matthews #particularly because I struggle with similar shit and really get her #yellowjackets #yjposting #lottie yellowjackets #lottie matthews #lottie did nothing wrong #i support womens wrongs

[squarebracketsmileyface]

Back at it again with a sad song to relate to these characters!!!!

This is so!!!! This is so Alex to Jay, or at least how he would want to be to him under better circumstances. Or at least that’s how I saw it.

https://youtu.be/R2zXxQHBpd8?si=-VKZo5PAshjGBfQM

Song is: will he by Joji

you're so right. This is so alex wishing he'd been able to be better to jay. (tho there's also an argument that jay also needed to be better to alex, and cos sorry its locked is all jays pov so far i haven't been able to show that he was also pretty bad for alex just like alex was bad for him. neither of them are the good guy, neither of them are purely a victim, neither of them are purely a 'villain' -can't think of the right word so villain will have to do-)

anyway, analysis thingy

I got knots all up in my chest (Up in my chest, up in my chest) Just know, I'm trying my best (I'm trying my best) 'Cause when you look (When you look) When you laugh (When you laugh) When you smile (When you smile) I'll bring you back (Bring you back) And now I'm sad (Now I'm sad) And I'm a mess (And I'm a mess) And now we high (Now we high) That's why I left (Why I left) That's why I left (Woo)

Pretty simple, just Alex thinking about Jay and how much he really did like him. But Alex was a mess and left Jay for Amy because he didn't know how to cope with his feelings (and with some other stuff I haven't written yet, but i'm ignoring that just so this song will fit with what's already actually out there for this fic)

Will your tongue still remember the taste of my lips? (My lips, my lips, my lips) Will your shadow remember the swing of my hips? (My hips, my hips, my hips) Will your lover caress you the way that I did? (I did, I did, I did) Will you notice my charm if he slips up one bit? (One bit)

Again, Alex thinking about Jay. But also, Alex realising that Tim and Jay are together now from watching the videos Jay uploads, he's watched them slowly get closer, and then one entry something changes and Alex knows that Jay has "moved on". Alex wonders whether Tim hold and kisses Jay the way he did that last night he and Jay were together, and he wonders if Jay thinks of him when Tim messes up. He calls it his 'charm' kinda sarcastically, because he's just kinda caught up in hating himself for what he had to do.

Because unlike in uni (their uni relationship was complicated, i promise I'll write it eventually, just know that Jay did some bad stuff just like Alex did), this time Alex was the only person in the wrong for hurting Jay like he did in chapter 2 of Sorry It's Locked.

'Cause I don't need to know I just wanna make sure you're okay (Okay) I don't need to know I just wanna make sure you're all safe All safe, all safe (woo)

Alex doesn't really want to know if he's left Jay with shit from everything that happened around entry 47 (in chapter 1 and 2), he doesn't want to confirm for himself that he hurt Jay so bad that he's been left with lasting emotional shit. He just wants to know that Jay's okay, that he's safe, but every entry Jay posts just confirms over and over again that Jay is not safe, every entry posted just reminds Alex that everything he did to try and drive Jay away and make him give up on finding out what's wrong with Alex and what's going on with the whole Operator thing.

Everything Alex did was for nothing. He hurt Jay for no reason, and sure, he couldn't have known it at the time, but in his little moments of clarity he realizes that he could have done something else. He could have talked to Jay, he could have asked for help, he could have explained what was going on. He didn't have to hurt him, but he did, and it didn't even achieve what he'd wanted it to. If anything, it just made everything worse because now Jay's got someone else involved.

Will he play you those songs just the way that I did? (I did, I did, I did) Will he play you so strong just the way that I did? (I did) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Will he treat you like shit just the way that I did? (I did, I did, I did) 'Cause I don't blame you

Again, Alex thinking about their relationship, both their uni relationship and their one night stand in chapter 1. He knows Tim and Jay are together now and he can't help wondering what their relationship is like, since they keep it completely off camera except for the odd hickey just barely peeping out from under a shirt collar etc.

He can't help almost hoping that Tim treats Jay like shit, and he hates himself for it, he just wishes he could have Jay for himself but he knows he can't. Do you know what I mean. Like, he doesn't actively wish harm on Jay, and he's constantly trying to think of ways to keep Jay safe and alive, but he also can't help feeling jealous of Tim and wishing he'd treat Jay badly so that Alex could swoop in and 'save' Jay. He knows if that happened though, and Jay would shy away from him too, he wouldn't go running into Alex's arms, he'd just be angry at and scared of both of them and would probably do something stupid and get himself killed.

'Cause I don't need to know I just want to make sure you're okay (Okay) I don't need to know I just want to make sure you're all safe

Same as before, in the end, Alex just wants Jay to be okay, he want's to make up for everything he's done by finding a way to make sure Jay lives, to make sure he doesn't have to kill him.

#Just. god. them #I both love and hate sorry it's locked so much. So fucking much. I need to give Jay and Alex a hug and then fucking yeet them at therapy #they need therapy #they're so fucked up and i love them #why did i do this to them? #marble hornets #jay merrick #tim wright #alex kralie #marble hornets fanfic #jaylex #mh sorry its locked #song ask #lyric analysis i guess #God they're my babies #i NEED to make Alex such a sympathetic character #you NEED to know that as much of a dick as he is. Jay was also shitty back in college and that lead to why their relationship is this way #and now in MH times alex isnt really able to think clearly. That doesnt make it better but it sure as hell explains his thinking #and makes it so you realise that he really is trying his best to save jay. he just goes about it the wrong way #and that's destroying him from the inside #God the plans I have for these fuckers

[lunar-years]

Inside me there are two wolves:

"This ending has to be a dream Ted cooked up in a long flight-induced delusion because what other than Ted's warped idyllic optimism could begin to explain Beard/Jane wedding with Jane pregnant, and Jamie and his abusive, murderous shit father bonding over family photos from Jamie's childhood that the man willingly wasn't a part of because he was too busy being an unmitigated shithead"

versus

"The ending simply cannot be a dream because I need Roy, Jamie & Keeley hanging together with Phoebe, Sam on the Nigerian National Team, and most importantly, Roy Kent in therapy."

#like god it really is so much to process isn't it #ted lasso #ted lasso spoilers #does Sharon coming back to the club permanently even make sense though? Like I am leaning towards it all being a dream #because it really is too rose colored #but Roy Kent definitely needs to go to fucking therapy one way or another

[possiblytracker]

coughs loudly. scheduling this post for slightly later today so i have time to get lunch and not chicken out before it goes up

firstly i gotta apologise for dropping off the face of the earth. in hindsight it was creeping up on me for a long time I just didn't think anything of it/had enough stuff going on to ignore it for a while, but ive been wrestling with pretty abysmal mental health that just kinda hit me like a truck back in august. i wont get too much into it but things just ground to a halt and in the span of a week or so it legitimately felt like i stopped being a Person- i just stagnated, felt like i lost the ability and will to do anything or enjoy things or create like i used to, all my energy went into keeping it together in front of my family, and it made me way too anxious and ashamed and guilty to want to show my face. like who would want to put up with my stupid bullshit, right (wrong! that idea just made me unbelievably worse and i regret it extremely, but my anxiety was going extremely unchecked at this time). i don't think i've ever been that depressed before and i didn't at all know how to handle it or begin to claw my way out

fortunately, a combination of getting exercise + touching grass regularly and new enrichment/hyperfixations to latch onto like an orphaned duckling are very recently kicking some life back into me so to speak. who wouldve thought. and now where i used to still feel stomach-turning dread and paranoia thinking about getting back on tumblr and discord a week or two ago, it finally feels like i can handle dipping my toes back in. i'm making this post first bc i know most of my friends will see it, and that feels less taxing than explaining myself a bunch of different times over and over and dragging it out, but ofc i will try and get back into conversation when and as i can (askbox and discord is still best to reach me if you wanted). i'm just really sorry, and I hope you can forgive me, for making you worry or otherwise

i'm not sure what to do from here (i'm considering maybe moving main blogs to a clean slate eventually? this one will still be here i couldnt bear to get rid of it, i've just had it since i was 16 there's Baggage attached) but i'll be trying to ease my way back into relative normalcy before doing anything big ofc. in the meantime i will be vaguely floating around here again. see you around and thank you for your time..

#cryingcat.png #god i hope tumblr doesnt send out a stupid notifcation to all followers that i posted i dont know what the time limit for that is but augha #here i am tho either way #vent/ #i have missed people the entire time it is very hard to describe how stupid and cowardly it feels knowing i Could come back at any time #but also being utterly paralysed and afraid to do so. like surely i could just suck it up and i Tried but i am so so mentally unwell #i need to work on how fucked up my freeze/flight response to stress is really bad it ruins my life but i am still too unemployd for therapy #so my broke ass just has to deal with unpacking my own shit for 2 months/j #anyway the point is even tho i am getting better somewhat irl ive still been struggling to pluck up the courage to come back online #but i can't keep it up forever and completely shut down just bc it makes my anxiety superficially feel 'safer' #so here i am. feeling slightly less full of dread. bc i at very least owe it to everyone to let you all know im not dead or something idk #and i also owe it to myself to not be miserable on purpose forever!! #now i just have to get everything unmuted and wait for this to post see you on the other side

[poof-its-gone]

My problems are like William Afton

They always come back

#fnaf #fnaf meme #problems #this is actually not funny becuase my problems do follow me round everywhere #Pun #fnaf movie #william afton #sorry for the really bad joke #five nights at freddy's #i always come back #my problems follow me everywhere help #lgbtq #funny post #this is funny to no one but me #im laughing at my own joke how sad #i have been writing this post for about 2 hours god damn my ADHD #audhd #adhd #autism #i need therapy

[tennis-kittens]

AO 2024 • Doubles • R1 • Miscellaneous

#many mixed feelings in the last 24hours so i kinda needed to make a post about it #First I would like to thank the A team for saving my birthday by both advancing to R2 #Andrea ended 2023 on two titles back to back and i'm so happy he carried that energy with him this season🥺 #And Andreas having a great start with JP. Really hoping they'll stick together #( but only up to the grass season. Because grass season is Andi and Demo season. Yes i make doubles tennis schedules now) #Now off to the bitter sweet stuff... #Demo and Marcus being back together for the first time since 2021... #...just to lose their first match on Demo's birthday after rain delays dragged the whole thing for almost five hours 💀 #Matty and Bopi advancing to R2... #...beating Johnny Mill in the process who played his last professionnal match before retiring from tennis #look at the way Matty looks at Johnny i'm sobbing 😭😭😭 #why do retiring players always have to lose against their bestie? #the tennis Gods have no mercy #Rafa and Luisa went from winning the AO last year to needing a wild card to make it to the main draw this year and exiting after R1 #rafa comforting Luisa was so soft i love them so much 🥺 #i just want the doubles kittens to be happy #is that too much to ask? #thank you for coming to my therapy session #doubles trouble collection

[skillzissuez]

Depression is all fun and games until your skipping school even though you’re weeks behind because you quite literally can’t get out of bed

#god I hate it here #not to mention you mother and father #SEEING this #simply decides to ignore you like your Alr dead #like damn okay 💀💀 fuck you too ig 💀💀 #I don’t know how to fix this #I’m literally gonna be held back or taken to court bc I’ve missed so many days #but oh well the sillies r keeping me alive #Also I told myself I wouldn’t vent online anymore but I honestly don’t care anymore 😭 #it’s so bad though #I tried to do some of my homework last night and ended up throwing up from the stress #and it’s not like my friends just forgot about me they are GOOD friends I’ve just been pushing them away; telling them I’m just sick etc. #it’s my fault so I’m not mad at them for not knowing what to do. The closest ones try to call me #sometimes I answer and we talk. sometimes I don’t and they leave me a message abt how their a good listener and they KNOW something’s wrong. #Truly I love my friends but at this point I just need to be medicated or in a mental institution ong #but again; it’s not like my parents actually care. they canceled my therapy that was court appointed to me #My support system otherwise is gone; my older siblings have moved out and I’m supposed to protect my younger ones from my parents #but deadass my entire family is well aware that I’m useless in that department #I shake scream and sob everytime my parents yell at us so I’m no help; really #I mean recently I’ve been able to keep my emotions under control but the only reason why is because I’m dead inside 💪 #As I’m typing this out I’m realizing that I should be telling the world this especially not in my mental state but like. I dunno 🤷‍♂️ #I know most of you don’t care or if you do your just concerned or feel bad bc you know what it’s like and I thank you. #seriously; I thank you for being human and reminding me the world can be kind #if anything im just distracting myself from whatever this is. whether it be playing a silly game or drawing about said silly game it helps #but it also makes me feel guilty bc I RLLY should be focused on trying to pass this year. but I’m pretty sure it’s too late now. #anyways; that’s why I’ve been inactive lately so I apologize #it’s funny bc I’m typing this out but I rlly don’t feel anything while explaining this to you guys #I’ll tag this properly; I don’t know why I’m posting this and I might delete it later I dunno #tw vent #tw mention of abuse

[mormorando]

does anybody know how to manage arachnophobia? i'm physically shaking, covered in snot and tears, tired, but unable to go to sleep because i don't know where the spider in my room went

#mine #i ran for the vacuum cleaner but the spider was gone when i came back #and oh my fucjing god i cannot possibly go to sleep #i fucking screamed then i WHIMPERED out of fear just trying to step into my fucking room #i thought since i have the vacuum here anyway now i could just vacuum all under and behind my bed even though it's 2am #but i'm terrified of moving my bed #i imagine some kind of a spider nest or eggs there i'm fucking SHAKING man i don't know how to function i literally need therapy i think #this is UNMANAGEABLE i hate being so terrified i'm still crying and there's NO ONE to help me #in fact i must somehow make it without screaming if i find it again #or it finds me #because my roommate will be angry with me #i just called my father shaking and barely able to speak begging him to come to my place tomorrow and buy me some anti spider spray #or else one of those electrical devices #they scare spiders away #but like i said #i??? really mean it when i say i cried and screamed #now i'm just standing here in the cold room dreading the idea of going to bed because I KNOW if they're coming from somewhere it's THERE #jfc #i have to have my father help me #ohhh my fucking god i think i'll puke. #i literally think i need some anti-phobia therapy honestly #i can't wake up my roommate again i can't #godgodgodgodgodgod #what fucking punishment is this i can't move i am frozen to this spot anyway i move it'll be there #i don't fucking know what terrifies me so fucking much They're just little insects but i'm still frozen in spot nauseous and crying

[viscerism]

i've learned a lot of things by taking an anatomy class like how apparently your scapulae are supposed to lay flat against your ribcage and should not protrude from your back and also i've been living with a musculoskeletal condition that has been causing me severe pain and upper body weakness for as long as i can remember

#scythe speaks #scythe complains #i've known this for a little while now this isn’t anything really new #but i'm just bitter. this has been a thing ever since i was a teenager and it's been causing me problems for that long. #but better late than never i guess. but there's still not much that can be done about it even now. #i don't have the time money or energy for something like strength training or physical therapy #and surgery is off the table #but hey i've lived with it for this long #it's called scapula alata or scapular winging btw #also apparently it's slowly fucking up my back more than it already was fucked up #there are so many problems in my daily life that are caused by my fucking shoulder blades. #sorry i know this is out of the blue and i doubt anyone gives a damn but god this hurts and it's so fucking annoying #i just need somewhere to vent #vent tw

[bl00dw1tch]

the way i have absolutely no business being the way i am

#horse.txt #vent // #sort of. too high to be sad abt it im in anthropology mode and listening to music that makes me feel sexy so its fine yk #anyway i typed a whole bunch of other tags talking abt how and why i feel this way by going through a few of the events i can remember #from my childhood that Might explain why im so emotionally guarded and struggle to open up anymore. #bc i Wanted to say they all felt dumb and juvenile esp since ive actually like #made peace with most of the ppl who were involved with them #but the Anthropology mode was just tearing it all down as i typed it bc that Is just a ridiculous way to look at it no matter how you cut it #doesn't matter that nobody involved really Meant to deal that kind of harm and i dont need to hate or blame anyone in order to acknowledge #that it still just Happened. like thats a Memory already babe no do overs. #which is kind of just accidental therapy so sick. love that fir me genuinely! #but also yes theres the bitch part of me that still wants to discredit it bc acknowledging that it happened =/= Fixing My Issues #so im still at square one technically. ive just been pacing in circles on it for a while ig #EVEN WORSE that the Scale of my issues is so incredibly mundane compared to so many of the people i seem to meet. #sitting in bed crying abt not having friends for a few days in elementary school when other ppl have jojos bizarre adventure levels of Lore #i know im not technically invalid for feeling the way i do or anything but god. if it doesn't feel fucking Embarrassing to open up about😭 #its impossible NOT to feel stupid and sensitive for having these first world ass problems. And letting them hold me back #bc ppl not liking me for any reason makes me sooooooooo fucking scared So fucking scared its not even funny 😝 #at least. ppl in my Circles. im pretty ok about being assertive with randos #still some work to be done on it but its better than whatevers going on with my personal relationships rn #sincerely to my mutuals and loved ones who see this i swear to GOD i love you so so so fucking much and im so. im trying to figure out this #the stuff thats got me so distant and bad at keeping in touch. its a whole slew of feelings about how i see Myself--not yall #i double pinky promise cross my heart im extremely serious #thank you for being patient with me you mean more to me than im capable of putting into words right now #alright theres a shot of tears in the hollow of my collar bone time to wrap up this post #daily reminder that i love body hair. there's some honesty. #😎😎😎💪💪💪 #the Quaritch under the cut is just to make me feel better bc i love him and i think hes so pretty. hes like a security blanket

[asexualdreammorpheus]

you'd think the percy jackson trailer would make me excited to watch it but no it just reminded me that actually i hated half of the characters from the book

#i know that annabeth is a popular character but I cannot stand her percy deserves better #he really said annabeth was the most powerful demigod like percy you blew up a volcano nico can command armys of the dead #was she even the most powerful because she is smart? not really everyone demigod in that series is smart #justice for grover though he deserves better #am i going to watch it to see my boy nico? oh yeah absolutely #now that I'm past my im not like other girls phase i can safely say rick did the aphrodite cabin dirty they also deserved better #you know who else deserved better? sally jackson #posideon was still into sally she absolutely should have gotten back together with him and then his wife undersea polycule #i might not watch the series but i will watch the part where sally gets rid of gabe #poseidon really speaks of sally in such a reverent tone he respects her so much and sally gets married and is pregnant again? #absolutely not rick did her dirty sally deserves to have a god in her back pocket #i did hate that some of the demigods got together and the excuse was oh theres no dna so its technically not in*est #come on their 12 and in need of therapy let them not date #the clarisse/silena achilles/patroclus parallels though *chefs kiss* #wow i really got long winded in the tags but you know percy deserves better and so does sally #and percy should unionize the demigods and people should stop being mean to the hades kids #because they are the best and also have the sickest powers hello they can travel through shadows? my anxiety is jealous #i also disliked thalia yet i don't know why #percy nico bianca and thalia should have teamed up and been like see dads it's entirely possible to get on

[landlordevil]

I like that all my tavs/durges have romanced different ppl i can't imagine making another tav that works so well w asty considering it seemed like a total fluke. Consistently battling between approval n disapproval, they regularly challenged each other (and that included times eins was callous without realizing just how much their words meant to asty)... like I truly think just playing the game as close to what I *think* my character would do worked so well I would just be trying to recapture that magic if I tried 2 romance him again

#i think due to their upbringing and the way people treated them back in bg eins was like... #not ready to believe that a vulnerable love was possible for someone like them #actively pushing asty away but wanting him to stay close. #and then asty does the same thing and its like god you guys need therapy #but LOVE.... persevered.... #plus i feel like it made the line about 'would you have brought me to cazador if things had been different?' hit SO hard #because eins really was a dirt poor ''criminal''. sure they had family and friends but no one could do anything if they went missing. #like they were a prime candidate and i think both of them are upset by that truth. #they'd have to work thru a lot to stay together and that makes it really interesting to meee #truly a shame that the market for tav/asty is so saturated. i dont need 2 throw my hat into that ring #im too busy googling up mid 17th century clothing for my little homoerotic wyll/starion doodles. i got shit to do man

[indigodawns]

.

#was feeling stressed and melancholy all day and i just... i really need to learn how to cope with that #i feel so self-absorbed and idk i was upset and teary eyed when taking the train early for dinner with my friends #and then i sit down and my friend says oh oops sorry can't tonight and idk. i was counting on that to sit down and talk for a bit and #this makes me sound awful but i kind of. exploded and texted back very shortly and angrily #and apparently. gave our other friend a panic attack so #and then they told me over text and i did nooot know how to react irl and psychically bc whew self-loathing #which felt so toxic and gross??? and again self absorbed??? #and i did reply over text and i apologised and did my best but god. #idk it's like... i think that petulant angry kid is who i am deep down and lord knows i shouldn't post this but #i need some perspective and i feel so manipulative in this too #idk idk. and i was also just wondering if anyone else gets like this like idk this blur in front of your eyes and you just #lose all reasonable thought #and i just think. im selfish as fuck at my core and im scared i don't actually want to change that and i will. try to talk about #it in therapy but that's a while away #anyways. that's also me and yeah. #sorry and also it's my parents' wedding anniversary and all i could think about was feeling mweh and not being able to do #what i was planning to do and i had this assignment blabla and these plans etc #like god??????? god #im calmer now (obviously) but yeah #and now work again tomorrow and im so fucking sick of it the mood is awful and it's busy and bleh

[vlodimirvoneverec]

Wow, I’ve never had a song written for me before

#contextually it was really sad but internally my heart is so full #what being perceived will do to a mf… #each time i feel like im out im sucked right back in good lord #im gonna need so much therapy to reroute from this my god #he’s lucky he lives so far away otherwise… well

[starry-bite]

ok but do you really think it was responsible to tell jean-luc "savior & superiority complex" picard that he's literally god's favorite?

#star trek picard #star trek #pic #jean luc picard #whatever the opposite of the i just think they're neat meme is #q #like really? #that's our explanation for this? #local rich white old man is god's favorite? #could we not simply send him to therapy? #in the 24th century #so rios isn't just thrown into the gaping jaws of time and agnes isn't abandoned for (FALSE) conceptions of being alone in the universe #and soji isn't fully abandoned #and elnor doesn't get any arc like whatsoever #saffi is perfect my only note is can we chill with starfleet being the universal moral authority that eventually assimilates everyone? #and #laris #isn't reduced to an undercooked devisive romantic plot that somehow needed zhaban to be dead #and whatever the hell was going on with tallinn #there were some loverly moments certainly but if we take a couple steps back and look at this season broadly #a lot of (most of) the narrative choices were not good ones #and a lot of (most of) them didn't even make sense! #but please #have mercy #his ego is already so inflated #grem leans