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queerlyseth · 4 months

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In Memoriam

Athena

August 9, 2009 - January 6, 2023

I want to, no, need to write this blog post. It’s about my grief about losing an emotional support cat/beloved companion. I understand that this will not be everyone’s cup of tea nor a thing they may want to read about or care about. So the main body of this is going under a cut. I want to remember Athena, my little coffee cutie, weenie bo beanie, a cat that kept me alive and here on this earth. She at least deserves this much.

Back in early September of 2009, I was just starting my senior year of high school and looking to go to college. I knew I was trans and was trying desperately to pass as a guy and be accepted. Where I lived…that was a bit of a large ask that really no one cared to do. I was being sexually assaulted, misgendered, death threats, physical fight threats, etc etc. I was largely isolated from my peers, my family wasn’t that accepting/treated my outing like they were told I was going through a phase. I just started working part time at McDonald’s so I could try to be independent and maybe one day move away and find people who wouldn’t treat me terribly. I was living with my dad who flipped between accepting me/telling me I needed Jesus to make me cis aka “normal” again. We just recently lost a kitten to fleas and were too poor to really help her.

Dad came to me that early September to tell me he had a coworker found two kittens, too young to be away from their mom but there they were, on her doorstep. She knew my dad liked cats/had a child (me) who was a major cat nerd and we decided to accept the kittens. When we met her, she handed us a box with two energetic kittens. Upon opening the box, on first glance of me, Athena knew she wanted me to be her guardian. She had a twin brother, an orange tabby who is now called PJ/Poojah, who I thought I would bond with cause at the time, I wanted an orange kitten.

Dad didn’t want me to bring the kittens inside his little apartment house due to the flea trauma. So I called my Mom, who had a harsh reaction to me being trans and kicked me out (she rejects this narrative but strongly suggesting I not live with you is kicking me out Mom), begging her to help me take care of these kittens. They were just about at the age where they were weaning off their mother’s milk so when my mom finally relented, we were sitting on the bathroom floor (Mom had a cat who was not that keen on other cats so the bathroom was the safest place) feeding these squirming little goons some kitten milk.

Athena the entire time was fighting tooth and little kitten claw to be the one I was feeding and it was then and there I decided I would take the little girl under my care while her brother would be adopted by my mom.

That night, I was sleeping over to help raise the kittens, I heard tiny and sad little meows coming from the bathroom. I went to the bathroom and decided I would open the box (we put them back in since the bathroom wasn’t exactly a comfortable place and the box had soft stuff in it) and laid on the floor, letting Athena and PJ cuddle up on me while I, in my usual insomniac self, laid there for hours until I felt it was getting too close to when my mom would get up and start doing her morning routine/the kittens got enough cuddles to be sated.

The next day, we let the kittens out to explore the house. They *loved* my mom’s dog, Meeko, back then and would follow him around like he was their mother. Meeko, a very anxious and scared of these little kittens, would run from the kittens and try to hide. Athena and PJ always found him though and he just sort of was terrorized by them. They also enjoyed cuddling up on my neck together and as long as I was there, Athena seemed rather happy. Both Athena and PJ hated being in a box, even if it was to take them to the vet. Athena poked her head out a little spacing on the side of the box and it was so funny to me, seeing this little kitten screaming to be on me and hated not seeing me enough to force her way out to get onto me.

I don’t have more memories of her young kitten hood mostly due to getting hit with a truck and being in the hospital for months/in physical therapy. It was a hard time for me, being away from my very needy kitten but I just survived a near death experience…but my health was in a fragile state but it wasn’t permanent. Once I recovered (or recovered enough to be able to do stairs), Athena and I were inseparable once we were reunited.

At some point I started college after a real easy breezy senior year (I legit had all physical ed classes and they couldn’t make a cripple run the mile all day, fuck you gym classes) and at some point after that, I moved in with my mom cause the relationship between me and my dad had deteriorated enough that either of us really wanted to live together. Me and my mom had just enough of a relationship back then that me and Athena could stay there while I went to college and came home on the weekends. Athena was always were I sat, sitting with me, escorting me everywhere. She would always be there with me, loving all the pets and treats and play time we had.

Then things between me and my mom got so bad that I decided to run away (yes, at the age of 24 or something, I’m a dramatic queer) and though I couldn’t bring Athena with me, I vowed to bring her with me when I could. I couch surfed for a while with a friend, shaved my head for the first time (that pissed my mom off sooooooo much), almost got to a hrt appointment, met my soon to be life partner/best friend/current fiancé and a person who would come to start a string of shitty roommates. Once I started a job locally and got moved into an apartment, I got Athena to move in with me and ever since we were able to stay side by side.

Her transition to living with me in the apartment was a bit of a rough start. I had set it to be that my bedroom would be her safe space and that she could come out when she felt comfortable. Under the influence/counsel of shitty roommate, Athena was locked out of my bedroom and I came home from school/work and found her hiding in a corner and under a couch, curled in on herself. Angry, I got her back into my bedroom and told both soon to be life partner and shitty roommate to NEVER do that to her again. Life partner and I had a private one on one talk about it later and were able to clear things up. He grew up with dogs/some cats but the cats were inside/outside (his family lives on a mountain, which I mean, is okay but I would keep the cats inside cause bird populations AND the coyotes and other predators out there) so he didn’t know that cats needed a safe space in a new home environment. Once she adjusted properly this time, she kept being her usual sweet self, “helping” me with homework, preferring hanging out with me in our bedroom, loving me fully and running to greet me every time I came home.

Fast forward through another shitty roommate and a move to another apartment with my partner, Athena came to know our friends we played D&D with. She usually liked sitting on my character sheets and walking across the playmat, but she always greeted all my friends and asked for a little pet before going on her merry way. She snuggled and suckled herself (she would knead into my arm as she laid on my lap and suckled on her self as a form of self-comfort) but she began to suckle on herself less and less. I’ve read that its a self-soothing measure and so I hope her stopping it meant she finally felt fully comfortable and happy despite the hectic mess.

She got a permanent friend/sister/wife in my partner’s cat Pippa, but she was mostly mounting her and claiming dominance (Athena was fixed a long long time ago). Athena also discovered the joy of playing fetch, which she would give these very mournful sounding cries from another floor. She also found her one favorite toy of all time, my partner’s giant microbe Tuberculosis. It is very kicker toy shaped but Athena would cuddle with it and gift it to me (as well as hot sauce packets from Taco Bell and twist ties). She also did this with fishing rod toys. She NEEDED us to play with her via fishing rod toys/throwing tuberculosis-kun (as we began to call it) at all times of the day. We had to hide them sometimes just to get sleep or otherwise she would have us up all night playing with her.

When I was able to start HRT, I worried at first how Athena would react. I didn’t think she would react poorly but I have heard of some people having pets who did. Athena at this point had been with me through all my pains and sorrows, my better days and through my college graduation. I only got to do HRT for six months at first due to getting fired and not having money to afford T but Athena did the most heart warming thing. We had moved next door at the time and I was slowly running out T gel packets (I was doing gel packets) but my voice had cracked/was changing.

Athena, when I was pre-T, had sweet little angelic baby meows. As I was on T, her meows got deeper. Like almost comically so. She had such manly meows!!!! She mirrored my voice change, it warmed my heart deeply. She mirrored my voice change back but it still was another sign of her love for me. She didn’t care what range my voice was, she would always do what she could to reach me.

Then one day she got a lump on her side. It was just a cyst but to get it removed she needed surgery. In that process we found out her liver levels were absolutely funky. Her brother had this issue but my mom was able to get him help and he is fine now. I figured that this might happen but I was willing to do what I could to help her. She started on meds and her liver levels got stable…but she started having bloody discharge from her nose. The vet scanned her head and found a tumor in her nose. They told me that it could be harmless…or it could be cancer. And the worst thing yet, they couldn’t do anything to remove the tumor. Without saying so directly, I was told that all I could do was make her comfortable until it was time.

Until I had to decide it was time to euthanize my beloved kitten. My baby girl. The light of my life would be snuffed out by me or the cancer.

I didn’t mention it much in this but when I first met Athena, I was a highly suicidal and disphoric teenage trans boy. She loved me in a way NO ONE in my life at the time did. She showed me dedication, love, joy, comfort in a world that was trying to get me to kill myself. A world that wanted my suffering. She was there with me for all of it and didn’t leave me. She didn’t try to make me someone or something that could be used and ignored when inconvenient. She never betrayed me.

Being put in that situation legitimately was the worst thing in my life so far. I didn’t want to decide. I wanted my little girl with me until my death of old age. I’m fucking 30, that’s not old age. I didn’t want to die. I couldn’t kill her. I didn’t want to kill her.

Cancer was killing her and I had the choice of letting her last moments in this life to be hell or peaceful.

January 6th, the day of the capitol riots and the day after the human love of my life gets top surgery, was the day I took her to the vet for the last time. It was a Friday. The day before I noticed she was struggling to breathe. She wasn’t eating as much (when she had a healthy appetite prior to her illness), she wasn’t herself. I couldn’t watch her suffer anymore.

I held her and told her how much I loved her and that I promised her that I would take her of her until her dying days. I held her as the vet gave her the shot that would kill her. I held her as she died. I paid for her death. I told the vet to do it. I’m the reason she’s not here anymore. She didn’t get to see her next birthday, me and my fiancé’s wedding, my recovery for top surgery….she’s not here anymore.

I fucking hate myself for doing this to her. I know it was the best thing for her and it was an act of mercy and love but it eats my soul and is tearing me apart. I’m nothing now. I’ve been hollow ever since she’s gone. Her absence is maddening and the world is crueler and darker for it. She built me up to be a happy trans man, reliably back on T and moderately doing well…and I killed her.

I fucking killed her. Is this what you do for the one who got you this far? You fucking kill them??? I’m a fucking monster.

I miss her everyday. Life really isn’t the same. The color is mute and the joy numb.

I love you Athena. I always will. Please forgive me, wherever you are. I didn’t want to do that to you. I didn’t want you to suffer. I always wanted you to be happy. For you to have the world. I failed that and I’m sorry.

Perhaps Chiron can allow you to be on the barge when it’s my turn to go. I’ll bring Tuberculosis with me so you know it’s me. I’ll catch you up on everything then. Just please wait for me then. I promise I’ll go find you.

#just gay goblins things #grief #pet death #in memoriam #grief is just love with no place to go #serious post #please be kind

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