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#lost loved ones
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Newspaper cuttings of Dear Fitzjames
Handwriting of Elizabeth Coningham, 1851 (Private collection, photo by me.)
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stillhealinghere · 7 months
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A small cathartic project.
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Remember, greif isn't just for mourning the dead.
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even opening my eyes hurts.
you’re the dream i wish i could live in forever.
— S
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dreamofyouandi · 1 year
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tattoo design i did for myself of me and my dead friend
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kindnessisstillhere · 2 years
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Clouds Watching Us
People have said it with stars,
Over and over again,
Ancestors, loved ones, angels,
They’ve all been equated to stars.
But really are clouds closer?
Aren’t they more like people,
Drifting in and out of our days,
Never constant, ever changing,
Barely predictable at all.
I prefer to believe lost ones are clouds,
Drifting by on a visit sometimes,
Then carrying on with their afterlives.
Why picture heaven as made of clouds,
With people living among them,
When if the soul is here at all,
It might just be made fully of them.
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sadaf-aw · 2 years
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You love is still there, it has bounded my heart to you, i might laugh and smile all the day to just spend the day, but at the end its you and your memories who comfort me in my weakest moments and when i feel alone, i find the peace of that love when i feel it again.
I miss you so much.
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wordswithaven · 1 year
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The Price of Love
I miss you so much,
more than my body can handle,
the love, the pain, the grief,
it pours out of me,
like a dripping faucet,
never ending,
always falling.
...
Some days it is easier,
the drops take time to succumb to gravity,
but though slowly they are still falling,
building up until it becomes too heavy,
reminding me in little bits of the loss that accompanies me everywhere.
...
Other days,
the tap is wide open,
it flows out of me,
unstoppable,
the sound drowning everything else out,
all enveloping,
keeping me stuck on the ground.
...
It’s been a couple of years,
but still I think of you everyday.
‘It’s not fair’;
‘This is not how it’s supposed to be’;
‘Why could it not have been me?’
I have yelled all the clichés,
I have begged every entity there is to let you stay,
I have dreamt of you alive and your life on track,
but nothing ever brings you back.
...
The memories wash over me,
the waves crashing down,
pinning me to the ground.
...
Every wave reminds me,
of the acceptance, trust, friendship, sisterhood;
the laughter, the joy, the simplicity of being near you.
...
Those waves : they drown me,
making it hard to get up, to speak, to breath.
They are tsunamis submerging any other thoughts.
I’m flailing, drowning, desperately trying to hold on,
begging someone, something to tell me you are not actually gone.
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Still,
The sea may hurt me
but there is beauty in its intensity.
The faucet may keep running
but there is comfort in how it chases away the silence.
Your ghost may haunt me,
but at least that means that you are still near to me.
...
The grief may be killing me
but the love it stems from is not one I would ever give up.
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itbeoksometimes · 2 years
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When a mother leaves her daughter
Does she give the world permission?
To leave her just as she did?
Because when she left
Others did too
And then he did
And then they did too
And whenever I think about asking them
why it is they left,
I always end up seeing her in my head
I always end up asking her the question instead
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zaneaquaman · 1 year
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How Death Changed Me
This was written a while ago but oh well, enjoy...
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I remember the first time I saw the movie “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”. My parents had made a rule that I couldn’t watch any Harry Potter movie until I had read the book, so I knew what was coming. I wasn’t surprised when Snape killed Dumbledore. However, I was still in tears when it happened. I tried to hide it from my mom since she didn’t seem to be shedding tears. I used a pillow as a shield and tried to control my breathing. Apparently, my methods weren’t very effective.
“Since you’re already crying,” my mom started, “You should know why your dad wasn’t able to make it to your play today.”
I hadn’t even realized he wasn’t there. I was too anxious to notice. I pushed aside that thought, choosing to listen to what she had to say.
“Grandma Sue, she had a heart attack…”
Even at a young age, I knew where this was going. I started crying harder, curling up into a ball. This was my first time losing a family member. Grandma Sue was someone I was incredibly close to too. She’s the woman who showed me how amazing creatures, including bugs, are and that it’s good to get your hands dirty and dig in the mud. My love of nature and animals stemmed from her. She was the person I looked forward to seeing most when we traveled to stay with my other relatives and her in Manteca. Losing her was like losing a central part of my life. Who else was going to understand me and show me how to love the world? I cried on that couch for what felt like forever, while my mother tried to console me, although she was starting to fall apart too. I thought the world was ending. How was I supposed to live when she wasn’t there?
Until last year, I had never watched “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” since then. I couldn’t imagine watching it and reliving the experience of being told she was dead all over again.
A few years after Grandma Sue died, my mom had to once again bring me more sad news. This time, it was my great-grandmother, who we called Granny. She was Grandma Sue’s mother and had also lived in Manteca.
When my mother told me, I had an odd reaction that was completely different from when I heard Sue died. I must have been in shock, for I stood there for a long while, not saying anything. I knew I should’ve felt sad to hear the news, but I didn’t. I felt fine. Not happy, not depressed. I was simply fine. At that moment, I don’t think I fully understood what she was saying. Of course, I had lost my grandmother before, so I knew what death was and how final it all is, but for some reason this time it felt different. I didn’t burst into tears. I didn’t feel an overwhelming sadness. I was just speechless for a moment. But when those few minutes passed, I went on with my day like normal. It was as if nothing had happened.
Later that night, as I was preparing to take a shower, I found myself staring at the bathroom mirror. I’m not sure exactly what made me fall apart. Maybe it was knowing the repetitive sound of water falling and hitting the floor would cover up my cries, or the fact that I was alone in a locked room with no windows and no eyes watching. Either way, that feeling of shock vanished. Tears started falling down my face as I gripped the side of the sink. I began sobbing. I watched my face in the mirror as my eyes grew red and got so watery that I could hardly see. All I could think of was the fact that I was never going to see her again.
Granny used to buy this ice cream called MooseTracks when we’d come to visit. She knew how much I loved it, and when she scooped the ice cream for me she would always pick out the best bits full of peanut butter cups and chocolate ribbons. Even after our long tiring car ride from Los Angeles to Manteca, I’d be so excited as we pulled up into her driveway. When I entered the house, I instantly felt at home. In her home, there were several stuffed animals for us, but my favorite was this baby sheep. When I was very little, I always wanted it with me when I went to sleep. She had two trucks, one a fire truck and another an ambulance, which my cousin and I had covered in stickers one time when we played with them.
She had display cases full of things. In one, there was a large white porcelain cat with bright blue eyes and a pink ribbon around its neck. In another, there were some fragile Native American figurines, one a father standing beside a wolf, and another a mother holding a child. I don’t know how accurate or possibly insulting these figurines were, but as a kid, I always thought they looked kind. Part of me wanted to live with them when I was younger. I had fallen in love with the idea of living out in the forest, with nothing but wildlife and animals. I looked at this artwork in one of the halls, of a painting done on a stretched-out animal skin. In the painting, there was a river, trees, a fire, a tepee, and the beautiful sight of a sun rising behind it all. That’s where I wanted to be. I looked at this image and the figurines, and I wanted to live with them. I dreamed of wearing their clothing and following their cultures. All I knew at the time was that they appreciated nature, saw all the beautiful life out there, and treated it with respect. I wanted to live in a society with values such as that.
Years ago, when Granny was still alive, my mother and I went shopping to find Christmas gifts for Granny. I remember us walking into a row full of Christmas tree toppers. We looked at most of the angels, but only one stuck out to me. It was, in my eyes, the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. The angel wore a bright red dress with the edges covered in white fluff. She held a wreath in one hand, and she had the prettiest smile on her face. I pointed out how I liked the angel to my mom, and I wanted to keep her. But instead, to my disappointment, my mom insisted that we give the angel to Granny instead. I felt like my heart was breaking when we handed over the angel to her. But I kept my mouth shut because I thought it would be selfish of me to keep the angel for myself rather than to give it to Granny.
But Granny would always smile when she saw my brothers and me. She used to call me a little mouse because I’d be able to enter rooms without making a sound, startling her and making her laugh. We’d both wake up early in the mornings, while everyone else stayed sleeping, and she’d turn on the television while I helped her make breakfast. She’d used to wave my dad, my brothers, and me out as we walked across the street and over a grassy hill to this little park that hardly anyone went to. It had slides, a climbing wall, and a spider-web-like thing made of rope, which was my favorite. Every Thanksgiving we’d go up to Manteca and stay at Granny’s house. They’d prepare a feast all day long, with turkey, mashed potatoes, pie, and more. Even though Granny had lost her husband years ago and was staying alone at her house all the time, she never struck me as lonely or sad. She was a strong woman in my life who taught me to be kind to everybody, and she showed me how everyone is beautiful in their own ways.
And now, she’s gone. I’m never going to hear her laugh or see her loving smile. I’m never going to step into her house anymore. When I search through my memories, trying to recall what her house even looked like inside, I find myself walking through a deserted home, missing the life that was once in it. I’m never going to see her again. But, that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten her, or Grandma Sue. That little stuffed sheep from Granny’s house is sitting on my desk. On my dresser, I have that blue-eyed cat with the pink ribbon that stands by several smaller cat figurines from Grandma Sue. The animal skin painting is hanging on my back wall, and the Native American figurines are right below it. I also have the beautiful angel that we gifted Granny. I keep parts of her with me so that I never forget her.
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frailbruise · 2 years
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The love of my life doesn’t love me back … anymore …
Depression …
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kochei0 · 2 months
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I turn to Ares.
Thanks to Tyler Miles Lockett who allowed me to draw inspiration from his ARES piece for page 2! Look at his etsy page it's SICK
⚔️ If you want to read some queer retelling of arturian legends have a look at my webtoon
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Letting you go is losing half of me. What do I do about that?
— S
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Have you ever noticed that a number was reassigned after someone died?
Do you know what's even worse? (tw!)
When you realize that their tumblr has been deleted and now you will never understand how this all could happened.
(Why did you killed yourself?)
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rawrambles · 4 months
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today is your birthday, katey kat.
I’ve never felt such conflict. Is it really still your birthday now that you’re gone? can you celebrate someone’s birthday when they now have a deathday as well?
it’s confusing and all I want to do is drown in images of you, but there’s only so many. how I wish I had more. I wish I would have taken that trip with you, the one I couldn’t afford because I spent a little too much on insignificant and replaceable things. things I will forever regret choosing over you.
I thought I had more time.
I didn’t know you would die alone in his bathroom 2,000 miles away and I didn’t know the last time I would ever talk to you would be 3 days before.
I̴̡͕̹̳̤̣̱͋̓͌̃̇́ ̵̨͇̭̪͖̩̝̆́̄̇̉͜s̵͚̮̙̱̟̥̩̻̞͑͛̌́͋͛̅̾̈͝h̶̳̞̐o̴̧͆͜ų̸̗͖̳̰͖̩̅̓̓̈́̈́̌l̶̢̧͎͖̠͈̯̦̆͌͊̓̀̀̇̋͜͝ͅd̷̛̘͆ ̴͎͚̰̫̝͛͛̇͂̅́̐͘ͅḫ̴͚̦̏͒̄͜ȧ̷̭͚̥̳̻̰̳̱̟̃̔̆͋͋̂̃̕v̴̨̼͔̰̦͗̒̀͜͝ȇ̸̢̺̤̜̹̭͓̜͓͂̄̈͌̅͝ ̴̨̛̜̯̜̆̽̓̂̀͑̕̕͝b̵̫͇̱̎͌e̴̹̱͗̂̃̎͗̊̾e̴̝̺̠͖̼̣͛̂̆̐̀͝͠ǹ̷̨̡̛̖̳̫͓͔͚͕͚͂͑̈̈͑͗͒͘ ̵̠̜̟̜̲̫͔̿ẘ̵̼͖̹̠̭͜͝i̶̤͆͆̒͜t̴̨̨̞̤̣̬̽͛ḩ̴͖͖̘̩͍̿͗̇̑̕ ̷̭͜͠y̸̛̼͍̦͂̎͑͊͌͑̓̏̓o̴̢̞̖͖͒͑̌͆̄͐͛͘ũ̸̻̗͍͈̟̐
my first love, my first euphoric taste of bliss, the one I filled up books about. the one who consumed my dreams and knew just how to touch me, the one who’s hair I tried to draw a million times just so I could keep a part of her with me.
they tried, but even that boarding school couldn’t keep us apart. she was my everything
ᴀᴛ ʟᴇᴀꜱᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ʟᴀꜱᴛ ᴛʜɪɴɢ ɪ ꜱᴀɪᴅ ᴡᴀꜱ “ɪ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ”
It doesn’t seem to get easier, missing you. you dance around in my mind and melt away with a dull static when I realize I’ll never see you that way again. I loved to see you that way, dancing like sunshine.
I really miss you. In fact, I still go to call you 2 years later when I think of something funny. maybe I am still in the denial stage. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there bb. you deserved better than what happened.
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sadaf-aw · 1 year
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I miss you so damn much
I feel empty and incomplete, the incompleteness is never ending and it never goes away
You are like a sunset wich is so beautiful while it lasts and when its set down there is darkness left behind.
The sparkling stars are not visible to the eyes immediately after sunset, it takes time and effort to see the stars, at some point you start to see light small points blinking, but its still not enough as the light of sun was more brighter and beautiful.
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severusimpact · 7 months
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I wish you were here
I knew you
Or at least i thought i did
But lately i wonder
You were freed from this world
Whilst i was too young
I knew what you liked
And what you didn't
You comforted me
You scolded me
And i broke your heart
Then you broke mine
That faithful day still haunts my mind
The way you lay
I knew you had already left
Your heart was still beating
But you were not there anymore
The monster
The disease
That made you question your sanity
How i wish you were here
To truly know you
All i have is glimpses left
They are never enough
As my memory faded over time
My love for you never will
You were truly a guiding star
The only one i followed
So im sorry i lost my way since you left
I realized too late how deep my love for you was
Some nights in the sky i think its you
Or maybe you've fallen once again
And began aknew
One day lets meet again
In the skies at night
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