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snowdice · 2 years

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Creased Hoodies (Chapter 2: Other Interrupted Summer Plans) [Folds in Time Universe]

Fandom: Sander Sides

Relationships: Logan/Virgil, Janus/Patton (background), Remus & Roman (background)

Characters:

Main: Logan, Virgil

Appear: Patton, Roman

Mentioned: Janus, Remus

Summary: Virgil just wanted to go on his planned summer research trip to do an anthropological study in 2005 America. However, when he is taken off course by an unknown enemy, he ends up stranded in the summer of 2018 with no way to get back the the 44rd century. Luckily, 2018 happens to be where a certain illegal time agency is based, and he might have an in with one of its agents.

This is the intermission for the story Folds in Paper. It takes place between Folds in Paper Book 1 and Book 2. It also takes place after the first 5 chapter of “Messages for a Hacker” which are side stories in the universe. Check all of this and more out on my Folds in Time Master Post.

Chapter Summary: Patton meets someone at the farmers market.

Patton goes to the farmers market.

Notes: Time travel AU

This is a fic I’ve been writing on study breaks that you have probably all already seen at this point. I’ve slightly edited it for wording and grammar, but not for content from my previous posts. Feel free to send in asks to direct it because I’m not 100% sure where this is going and you can help decide if you feel so inclined! You can see the process I went through to build this at this link.

Part 1

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

This was fine. It was fine. This was fine. There weren’t any problems with this. Nope. No reason to panic. No reason to have a panic attack. Nope. That would be very unproductive. It’s fine.

It was just a little bit of turbulence. Yeah. He wasn’t even dead yet!

Did time devices have turbulence? He didn’t remember the classes he took to get his researcher’s travel license ever saying anything about it, but maybe he’d just forgotten.

Virgil would not have forgotten something like that, because he would have known he’d panic about it if it ever happened and would have wanted to mentally prep himself for the possibility. Time devices didn’t have turbulence.

The sounds of people talking filtered to him as though through a wall. He couldn’t make out the words, but just the cadence of slight panic and concern. There were yelps, but no prolonged screaming, so that was a good sign.

Wherever Virgil was right now was dark; he could tell even with his eyes still glued shut.

He should probably open his eyes.

He wasn’t a child. He was well aware the ‘If I don’t see it, it doesn’t exist’ philosophy was not, in fact, valid. It didn’t matter that his mind was rebelling against his logic right now and insisting it was.

…

‘Virgil,’ he thought to himself. ‘Open your eyes.’

He took a deep breath. He needed to open his eyes because he knew himself, and the world he was making up in his head was probably a lot scarier than the one he was currently avoiding.

Opening his eyes honestly did very little, because it was almost completely dark, though he could see a bit of light near the ground a couple of feet away. The strip of light lit up a patch of short green grass that had been recently cut. It was at the earliest the 1900s then, maybe the late 1800s.

Well… guess he had no choice but to go towards the light…

He crawled over to where he saw the light coming from and reached out to touch the wall. It gave a bit under his hand: a tarp then, not a wall. He peered through the gap to look for any nearby feet or legs and upon not seeing any, pulled up the tarp and quickly rolled out from under it.

He glanced around himself quickly. There were people within sight, but he didn’t think any of them were looking his way to see him rolling out from underneath what looked to be a temporary stage of some sort. He was lucky he’d rolled out from under the back and not the front.

Cautiously, he got to his feet and moved away from the edge of the stage off towards a sidewalk. He hunched into his slightly grass stained and very wrinkled hoodie as much as he could. More people were milling around near the sidewalk, and he was relieved to see that his clothing fit in well enough. Maybe he’d been lucky, and he’d only been knocked off course spatially.

His destination was supposed to be New York 2005. He was supposed to land in the bedroom of an apartment he’d rented out for the summer. Yet, that was definitely not where he was.

Everything had seemed perfectly fine when he’d left the 4500s. There hadn’t been any alerts out that would have kept him from traveling. Most legal civilian time travel, what little of it there was, was almost ridiculously safe due to how regulated it was. Destinations were quadruple checked. Nothing was supposed to go wrong. Even Virgil hadn’t been more than slightly anxious when he’d been given the go ahead to push the button on the timepiece that was set to send him to 2005.

Everything had remained fine for half a second before it’d felt like he’d suddenly hit a brick wall and was tossed a few meters. The timepiece had sparked and shocked him as he’d landed on his back under the stage. A cursory glance at his wrist now confirmed what he’d already known; the display was black. There wasn’t even a warning message flashing on it. That was… not good.

He covered the device with his hoodie sleeve and walked closer to the crowds, eyes searching for clues about where and when he was exactly. It was summer and the conversations he could overhear were in early 21st century English mostly with American accents. That was good, though worryingly they seemed to be more Midwestern United States accents than New York accents.

Luckily for Virgil, plenty of people were using their cellphones, and identifying cellphones was one of Virgil’s specialties. Unluckily, many of them were iPhones. Virgil cursed to himself. Definitely not 2005. In fact, the latest model he could identify was an iPhone 9. So, it was 2017 or later. Judging by the large amount of people and the fact that it was summer, it was either 2017, 2018, or 2019.

So, he had a wallet with $200 cash in $20 bills, a New York driver’s license that had been expired for a decade, and a flip phone that was probably not supported by any current networks.

…

What the hell was he supposed to do? Would anyone even be able to find him in this time to rescue? God, he really did not want to be here for 2020.

Yet, just before he was about to tip over into an absolute freak out, he noticed a man making his way out of the crowd in front of the stage and onto the sidewalk Virgil was on. It took him a moment to realize where he recognized him from.

“Pat!” Virgil called as the man was about to turn and walk away. He did his best not to run full tilt at him as the man turned around at his name. Relief crashed over Virgil despite the clear confusion pinching at the brow of the man he’d just flagged down. “You’re Pat,” Virgil said, coming to a stop in front of him.

Technically, Pat was an enemy considering how closely Virgil worked with the TPI, but Virgil didn’t care about that right now. He had access to time travel.

“Do I know you?” he asked with a frown on his face.

Probably not, and the one ominous conversation Virgil had had with Pat a couple of weeks ago suddenly made a whole lot more sense. He’d have to thank him somehow once all of this was over. “Not really,” Virgil said. “I don’t even really know you, but I remembered your face.”

“…What?” he asked.

Virgil glanced around them to make sure no one was watching (though people from this time would probably just assume it was a smart watch) before pulling back his sleeve and showing him the timepiece on his wrist. Recognition flared immediately. “It’s broken. Please help,” he begged.

Pat nodded. “Alright,” he agreed. “Come with me.” He turned to start walking towards the street and Virgil followed closely behind, feeling like he could finally breathe again. Beyond Pat giving him directions, they didn’t speak again until they were away from the dense crowd they’d been in. “So, what’s your name,” Pat asked once they were out of the farmer’s market.

“Virgil,” Virgil replied.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Virgil,” Pat said with a genuine smile. “Though I am sorry about the circumstances.”

“Yeah, uh, thanks,” Virgil replied. “Er, thanks for helping me.”

“Of course,” Pat said. He tilted his head at Virgil. “Are you a time agent then?” he asked. There wasn’t any malice that Virgil could sense behind the question despite the fact that he knew his and Janus’s relationship was… something.

Still, he was glad he could truthfully say, “No, I’m a professor of anthropology. I was supposed to be on a research trip to 2005, but something happened.”

“They let anthropologists go on research trips to the past?” Pat asked curiously. Strange, Virgil would have thought he’d know that.

“Only certain ones with a lot of training and tests,” Virgil said.

“Interesting!” he said, turning a corner.

“Where are we going?” Virgil asked.

He hesitated subtlety enough that it could almost be ignored, but Virgil was nothing if not a paranoid bastard and noticed. “I have a contact that lives in this time period,” he said. “I’m taking you to his apartment. It’s not too far from here.”

Virgil narrowed his eyes at him, taking note of the reusable bags half filled with vegetables from the Farmers Market they’d just been at, but he continued to let himself be led to an apartment building a few blocks away from the market.

He saw the man’s hand twitch towards his pocket before he seemed to think better of it, instead closing said hand into a fist to knock at the door.

The door was opened after only a few moments by a man wearing a dark blue long sleeved night shirt and fuzzy nebula patterned pajama pants. He looked like he’d probably only gotten up recently by the way his hair stuck up on one side and his eyes looked sleepy behind the glasses perched on his nose. He looked at Pat, seeming confused for a moment before opening his mouth to say something.

Pat cut him off before he was able to speak. “Hi, Dr. Hartnell,” Pat said pleasantly. “Good to see you again. May we come in?”

He blinked slowly at Pat and then looked at Virgil.

‘This man,’ Virgil thought, ‘is not a good liar.’ His face was unknown to Virgil, but he so clearly recognized Virgil that it was almost comical.

The man shoved his surprise away after a few moments. “Ah,” he said. “Hello, I’m…”

“Let me guess,” Virgil interrupted. “First name, William?” He just got a blink of surprise. “I studied pop culture from the 20th and 21st century. I know Doctor Who.”

“Of course.”

“I’m not an idiot.”

He smiled slightly. “I am well aware,” he replied in a tone that was familiar even if his voice sounded slightly different in person than over voice chats. That in combination with the look on his face felt like a punch to the gut. “It’s nice to see you Professor Eran. Would you like to come in?”

Want to read more? Click below!

Part 3

Folds in Time Universe Master Post

My Main Masterpost

#sanders sides #virgil sanders #analogical #logan sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #mentioned moceit #mentioned janus sanders #mentioned remus sanders #time travel au #folds in time universe #creased hoodies #adriana writes

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racfoam · 2 years

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Rac re-reading 'shade the more, ray the less' by @mayfriend and finding out interesting things that have completely slipped the mind even though I know this story by heart.

Rac's Sort Of Meta

The most important thing I can’t believe just went over my head is in Chapter 1 itself.

Trelawney’s Class.

Now, I’ll skip the fact over me freaking out that I missed a glaring detail hidden and get to the point, shall I?

First, let’s see what Harry sees in Hermione’s cup.

“I guess it could be a pansy,” she said to herself as she scanned the symbols in her book, “that means you’ll have faithful friends and happy days- oh, bugger, but if it look at it this way it looks more like a egg cup. So… an escape from a disaster. I mean, it could be both-”

Okay, so since I’m not a native English speaker, this completely flew over my head and now I’m losing my damn mind over the BRILLIANCE of this. One, I didn’t know pansy is another flower in English. I also didn’t make the connection with the character of the same bloody name AND I AM AN IDIOT.

Okay, let’s go part by part.

Pansy connects to Pansy Parkinson. The next is a very interesting thing that may like give us a clue as to what relationship Hermione will have with Pansy in the future going forward — faithful friends and happy days.

So, Pansy may, at one point, become a faithful friend to Hermione, which I think is awesome. Pansy gets sidelined as the 'girl who has a crush on Draco' in canon and I dislike it so much. So this is fun what you did, mayfriend, I love it.

Okay, next part!

an escape from disaster

Okay, what happened to Pansy later in Care of Magical Creatures? She went to irk Weatherwings and got injured, but who helped her? Hermione. And therefore, by that, Hermione saved Weatherwings from going on a trial. Therefore the an escape from disaster.

However, we can look more into the future regarding the escape from disaster. Later, it’s Hermione's Time-Turner that helps Hermione and Harry in saving Sirius and help him get away on Buckbeak. Buckbeak, who is not the one put on trial and doesn’t need to get saved as he did in canon. Less problems for Harry & Hermione to tackle when time-travelling.

It depends how far the tea cups see into the future or do they just read the current state of something? Ah, Divination, interesting branch of study.

End of Rac’s Sort of Meta and a big thank you to @mayfriend for making me obsessed with the story since 2018. ❤️

#rac reads fic #rac talks

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ecsundance · 3 months

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Festival Summary

During the first two weeks of on campus classes I concluded that assigning a definition to the word "indie" relying on factors like funding, inclusion of larger companies (or the separation from these companies), and style, was often wishy washy. In some cases economic funding from a larger company would immediately exclude a film from being considered "indie", while in other cases people would gladly assign it that wonderful title no matter who provided funding (it is so coveted to be considered indie, because if you're indie you're the good guy!) The same thing goes for stylistic choices. There is no specific formal element that will place a film in the category of "indie".

One of the main viewing strategies provided by Michael Z. Newman in Indie: An American Film Culture is, if in doubt read as anti Hollywood. This resonates to some degree after seeing the films at Sundance. There are a few stand out films that subvert the idea of a traditional narrative film. A traditional film being an introduction, middle, climax, and conclusion. Eno (2024) for example, uses a program to put into sequence pre-existing edited material with the possibility for 51 quintillion different films. To my knowledge there has never been a film created with a similar assembling technique. It is the first of its kind to completely change the idea of film assembly, and considering the subject of the film, Brain Eno who believes artwork should be living, the methodology serves the film well. While there were many other films that also contend with the idea of narrative normalcy, the answer of whether they are "indie" or not will be contested by many. It becomes difficult to objectively decide what should be considered "indie" or not, and it generally relies upon the judgment of the individual.

In regards to an organization like Sundance, the idea of what they have cultivated as "indie" shows glimpses of its face. In particular, the reoccurring directors that come back year after year seem to be a staple of Sundance. Additionally, Sundance incorporates directors into labs ran by the institution itself to provide the necessary support to create the films they believe to be a good fit for their festival. These programs are not unique to Sundance as many major festivals, such as the New Orleans Film Festival, also provide supportive services to filmmakers they wish to provide a platform for. These supportive services only provide an insight into the concept of "indie" for very specific microcosms located throughout the country. Ultimately the concept of "indie" will change over time for each of these organizations. Their festival brand changes, so the films they show will change, resulting in a new concept of "indie" they are looking for.

List of Films

Feature Films:

The Greatest Night in Pop - An intimate look into one of the most recognizable pop songs in existence. Bob Dylan.

Freaky Tales - A very fun movie with a mix of different formal genre elements to keep things freaky.

A Different Man - I don't get why he stabbed that guy, but sure I guess.

As We Speak - If you like rap music you should watch this. Incorporates interesting history and scientific studies that leaves you thinking.

Didi - It's like Mid90s (2018) but its not! A very fun and emotional film that tackles identity and relationships.

Never Look Away - A very challenging film with a very difficult to understand main subject in Margaret Moth.

Kidnapping Inc. - Haitian urban odyssey that tracks two morons on their search for their own humanity.

A New Kind of Wilderness - I'm not crying, you're crying.

Realm of Satan - Did she just.... did she just breastfeed that goat?

Ibelin - Sometimes those internet friends can be the best relationships in the world!

New Frontier / Indie Episodic :

Eno - The way this film is assembled fits perfectly for the its subject, Brian Eno.

LOLLA: THE STORY OF LOLLAPALOOZA - Nine Inch Nails rules, and so does this show.

Shorts:

The Rainbow Bridge - Chaotic and funny in all regards!

SHE (SNAKE) - Utilizes and interesting mix of stop motion that makes the already disturbing film even more strange.

The Bleacher - What was that dolphin doing to the sock? Was he? No.... He wouldn't...

Bold Eagle - The artistic value of this film became ever so clear to me once the dudes butthole said, "I love you."

Dream Creep - A very interesting idea executed in one room. The meat thermometer doesn't belong there!

Talks:

First Time Film Makers @ The Box - Very informative talk about the importance of trusting the people around you and incorporating your personal experiences (to some degree) into film!

(Forgot the title of the talk) @ The Macro Lounge - This was a talk with a bunch of people from Africa who were discussing the importance of social networks. The film industry isn't as strong in Africa so a few choice people have begun to build it up together!

Ben Wilson

#sundance

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pompadourpink · 3 years

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hey mom this might be a bit heavy and long, sorry!

how do you live past your mental illness? i graduated after having been convinced i wouldnt make it for years. now im in college and its hard to actually imagine a real future for myself, or even feel motivated for it, yanno? ive been studying french for like 5 years and im still in intermediate/beginner purgatory, so self studying isnt going well either. i guess, how do i set goals and stick to/feel accomplished by them? i dont think i ever learned how

thanks!!!

Hello dear,

I had chronic depression for more than a decade and thought from the bottom of my heart that I would never survive it or beat it and I did, so I have loads to say.

The stuff that torments you most likely exists only inside your head - as in, no one else thinks that. It sounds stupid but it is not: if someone tells you that you're bright, if someone likes you, if someone trusts you with something, don't tell them or think that they are wrong. They made their decision and stand by it. In high school, I convinced myself that I was unlovable, ignored/pushed away anyone who liked me, then spent years complaining about being completely lonely and miserable, and that was entirely my doing. I could have been happy, and I wasn't. Trust others and allow them in your circle, even if your brain tells you it's a scam. It's not. Don't make yourself sadder than you already are.

Rebrand. I used to see myself as a plate that had been thrown on the floor many times and kept being broken into smaller and smaller pieces, which made it harder and harder to reconstruct fully. I also used to picture my depression as some type of vicious little demon that was riding on my back, biting and wounding my shoulders with its sharp teeth and long claws, and taking all the pleasure in the world in never letting me have one moment of peace. After making many changes in my life (cutting ties, better people, therapy, prioritising myself), I began seeing my wounds as bruises that would eventually heal, and, more importantly, after watching The seventh seal, I started picturing depression/Death as No-face from Spirited away: massive, a bit creepy, silent, always by my side, but not evil, not malicious, just there. After a while, it felt like a reassuring presence who had been standing next to me faithfully for most of my life, and when I beat depression, my oldest friend waved and went away. So long, my dear, until we meet again!

Obviously, get a therapist if you can afford one, but even if you can, talk to as many people as you can and read a lot, especially about psychology and psychiatry. I started feeling better in 2018 and beat depression in March 2020, ironically, because everyone on social media started getting symptoms of depression (feeling like crap, gaining weight, having issues with hygiene, etc.) which no one normally talked about, and I realised I wasn't broken, I just had been having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. Hear as many points of view as you can so you can make an educated decision.

When it comes to the future, think of what you've loved your entire life. When I think of my current life, everything I have has been carried since childhood. Don't study for a particular job, but work for a particular life. Identify what makes you happy, what you are good at, what you love, and focus on that stuff and that stuff only. Become excellent at those things, and find a way to make a living out of it - you don't have to follow the regular path, everything is temporary anyway, and what matters is that you're happy. That's it.

When it comes to goals, the first step is to find out what meaning you want to give to your life: two questions here, the first being what is my greater purpose? And the other what is my biggest personal goal? The second step is to declutter. And I don't mean declutter your wardrobe - declutter everything. Your house, head, diet, relationships, beliefs, habits; anything that doesn't serve you, brings you closer to your main goal or purpose, makes you miserable, has to go. The third step is to question constantly why you want to do things: do you actually (why?), or are you trying to impress someone, or to reach another person's dream? If you can't manage to do something, either you need to cut it into smaller pieces and treat yourself after reaching each milestone, or admit that you don't actually want to do it. In the case of French, check out my Google drive and read Goosebumps, or tweets, or sing along karaoke on Youtube. Make it fun, easy, frequent but short, and be nicer to yourself.

Love and power,

Mum

#ask #malks

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alreadyblondenow · 4 years

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Too young, too soon

Mark Lee x reader // FLUFF, SMUT, ANGST Summary: Telling your parents that you’re pregnant is never easy. But having someone beside you while you feel like your world is suddenly crashing down is a different kind of blessing that you don’t deserve. Mark was there holding your hand the whole time when you told your family about being pregnant. And he was right, your parent loves you. Word Count: 6k Warnings: Sex, Someone will die, Mentions of other idols, depression, pregnancy, unprotected sex, cursing, drunk driving, lots of mentions of alcohol Note: DONT drink and drive please! And also use protection whatever happens

Cold Tea Bar, Kensington Canada September 2018

Jammed pack night full of students who wants to celebrate for the weekend. Mark Lee is the cutest bartender on duty tonight, well at least in your eyes. You saw him working with two other guys at the bar, Haechan and Jeno. And together they keep the people happy and loud with all the good drinks and with their charms.

The fact that there are seriously a lot of people in this small bar, you’re having a hard time getting Jeno’s attention to get some drinks. Jeno is your best friend’s boyfriend and Jeno always makes the drinks for your friends, that way you can get drinks much easier. But not tonight you guess you just have to wait patiently for Jeno instead.

Even though Mark was busy making drinks, serving and talking to people he still has time to flirt. He’s good at multitasking and talking to people was never a problem for him because its part of his job. “Hyuck, do you see that girl waiting at the corner” Mark was eyeing you and you saw Haechan glance at you. “Yeah, one of Jeno’s friends” Hyuck answered while getting two glasses at the rack. “Yo Jeno, your girl’s best friend is waiting there” Hyuck shouted, unfortunately Jeno is still busy with other customers and told the other two guys to take make you drinks. “I think I’ll cover for you, she’s cute” Hyuck and Jeno nod their heads in disbelief.

The bar is still busy and so are the bartenders you see. There are three of them but none of them are taking orders at your side of the bar, together with other people patiently waiting. Of course you have no idea but Mark has something up his sleeves. You didn’t notice him slowly coming at the your side while serving tons of drinks. And by the time Mark is serving drinks in front of you already, you were speechless. How can someone looked so good while working under pressure with all these demanding teenagers?

“Y/n right?” his voice brought you back to reality. You were stuttering the whole time while telling him the drinks you need. “I need, uhm -“ you saw him mix something and serve the person beside you. His hands were busy but you know you got his attention, “4 tequila sunrise, and 1 vodka sprite” he smiled at you and nod. He grabs 5 glasses at the rack and made the drinks in front of you.

You noticed he’s pretty calm but quick with his moves, “the vodka sprite is for Jeno’s girlfriend. She will throw a fit if the mix is not right, thats why Jeno always makes her drinks” still stuttering with your words, you made sure you sound polite.

He let out a cute laugh, finishing the drinks but somehow you want him to move a bit slower so you could talk to him more. “I’ll tell you a secret, Jeno learned that mix from me” he told you with a slight smirk. Well that’s a relief you thought, the last thing you want is for your best friend and Jeno to fight.

“Out of these five drinks, which one is yours?” he asked with a smile, trying his best to talk loud, just enough for you to hear him.

“Uh- one of the tequila sunrise”

He gets a tray and put all 4 drinks leaving your drink behind. “Give these to your friends, and enjoy your drink with me so we could talk more” that bold move made you smile from ear to ear. You do as you’re told and surprisingly he did talked to you the whole night while he was working. Haechan and Jeno teased him around because he was never like this with other customers at the bar. Just by talking to him while he’s working you already found out a lot of things about him. Born and raised in Canada but his parents lives in South Korea, you found out that you go to the same school, same year but different programs.

The night went on and on, laughing and talking to Mark as if you both knew each other for so long. You can’t help but notice that he was trying not to get you drunk so he could talk to you more and you were thankful for that. When its your time to go home with your friends, Mark really wanted to take you home instead but he figured it would be too much if he lets you wait for his shift to finish. “I’ll get your number from Jeno” he was making sure that this is not a one night fling. You smiled and nod leaving him to work.

On the next day, you woke up with a good morning text from Mark. A sweet and simple gesture that made you scream on your pillows.

‘Good morning y/n. I was hoping if we could continue spending time with each other? Its a Saturday and I don’t have bartender duties, I hope you’re free today.’

‘Oh by the way, this is Mark :)’

You read his message ten times already and you can’t believe you’re going out with the cutest bartender in Kensington today. To be completely honest you don’t know what to say to him everything he does makes you speechless. You were deleting and typing again and again, careful not to overdo things.

‘I hope your shift ended nicely and you got good rest. I’m free after lunch, we can meet somewhere if you want. Do you have something in mind?’

It was a beautiful day when you went out at the balcony, seeing your dad take care of his beloved plants. It is indeed a nice day to see Mark Lee again. In a mater of minutes, you received a text from Mark again. And it made you even more happier that he has actual plans on how to spend a beautiful day with each others company.

The day went on, and he looked more handsome under the sunlight and not the neon lights at the bar. He is comfortable to be with, awkward sometimes but he can save the situation and turn it into something interesting. You like how he gets so talkative and confident around you already, it makes you at ease. Even though he treated you with respect, everything feels too good to be true you can’t help but still doubt.

“Mark I didn’t mean to sound rude but, why me? I mean you serve drinks to girls prettier than me every week, talk to the hottest girls and you’re pretty handsome yourself and I’m this normal girl that’s nice enough to get drinks for her friends at the bar,and it just so happens that I caught your attention”

He chuckled and grabs your hand, “It’s a matter of choice y/n. You have everything and more, and I can prove that choosing you is a wise decision. It just so happens that this cute bartender only laid eyes on you” he kissed you on the cheek and told you go inside your house already. Like normal first dates, you never wanted the day to end. Just like how you never wanted to stop talking to him that night at the bar.

You wanted him to never forget this night so you bravely ran into him and kissed him on the lips for a hot minute. Making sure to leave enough heat on his body to keep him warm when he leaves. “I’m planning to have our first kiss on our third date actually” his voice is shaking, definitely startled. “I’m just proving you chose the right girl” you bit your lower lip, hoping you didn’t sound so cocky. To your surprise he kissed you again and again and again, enough to understand that hes yours starting tonight.

Being with Mark Lee is like a crazy roller coaster ride. Months have already passed since that fateful night and everyday since then is beautiful and full of love. Some days were slow, when you’re just watching him play and sing with his guitar while you study or do school stuff. Whenever he’s tired from work he will sweetly ask if you could stay with him so he could just lay on your chest and hug you while he enjoys playing with his hair until he sleeps. By the time you knew about Mark’s love for watermelon, sometimes you ate countless of watermelon in a day while talking about random stuff and loving each others company.

And some days were wild, when he fucks you senseless and go on for as many rounds as you want. Making out during his breaks at the bar for everyone to see that you belong to each other because to be honest you’re so sick of those girls who flirt with him. He sometimes get into fights at the bar whenever guys hit on you right in front of his eyes. He gets drunk after that so you wait for his shift to end, take him home and have make up sex and sleep at his apartment.

Even your parents thought Mark is a gem that you found in the middle of the bar, and both you and your parents think that Mark is different from the other guys you’ve been with. Juggling his studies, the relationship and his work was never a problem. He always finds time to spend with you because he is deeply and madly in love with you.

One crazy night, you were having so much fun with your friends and Mark has heart eyes on you the whole night. As usual the bar is packed and their favorite bartenders are serving drinks: Mark, Haechan and Jeno.

“Dude, you’re breaking my heart. You only have eyes on y/n now. You don’t love me anymore” Haechan whines while mixing drinks, making Mark laugh keeping himself busy again to avoid checking you out. Jeno on the other hand, spared a glance at your best friend when he saw someone familiar standing in front of you and his girl. Someone he will never forget because he was present at that time. He slowly made his way near Mark and told him maybe you’re in trouble because your ex showed up.

“Dude I’m telling you, that guy is trouble. He never treated y/n with respect. I was there when he mistreated y/n during my girlfriend’s party” but Mark Lee received his final warning from the manager, one more bar fight and his out.

You knew that Mark is already aware of Jaehyun’s presence. You knew because you can feel Mark’s gaze from across the room. Of course you’re not insensitive, you quickly made your way to the bar so Mark can be at ease. He made his way to you, and kissed you before he serves drinks again making you your favorite tequila sunrise. Jaehyun came in out of nowhere and tickled your waist in front of Mark, Jeno was quick to hold his arm.

“Why did you went away?” Jaehyun is talking to you closely, you could smell his familiar musk making you uncomfortable. You bravely pushed him away something you wanted to do back when you were still dating, “Really? In front of my boyfriend Jaehyun? Get out of my face!” you figured if Mark cant start a fight because he’s on his final warning, you surely can and you’re not scared to be thrown out of the bar. Lucas is a nice bouncer, he wouldn’t dare throwing his friend’s girlfriend alone in the middle of the night.

Mark gave Jaehyun a shot of tequila and gestures him to go, pointing at the exit. Of course that hurt Jaehyun’s pride, “This bartender over me?” you wanted to punch Jaehyun so bad but you knew better. “Yes! A million times yes! Mark is not an asshole like you!” those words brought shame to Jaehyun, thankfully he left the bar with his friends without a word.

You were breathing heavily, your best friend came over to check up on you. The relationship you had with Jaehyun was traumatising, something you never mentioned to Mark. Your boyfriend gave you a glass of water, holding you close in his arms helping you to keep calm. “Thanks for putting up a fight for me” he cupped your face incredibly close to him. You kissed him quickly and told him to go back to work, “I’ll stay here where you can see me don’t worry” he winks at you, as if he’s telling you you’re in for a treat tonight.

The night went on peacefully and you decided to spend the night at Mark’s apartment which he thinks is a good idea. Mark got a little drunk last minute, so he’s ten times sweeter than he normally is. You noticed because he’s been kissing your cheeks every minute the whole car ride. Jeno was nice to take you and Mark home, your boyfriend was kissing and thanking Jeno for everything before he finally lets go and let him leave in peace. You and your best friend can only laugh at the scene.

Its a normal thing for the two of you to take care of each other, specially when one of you is drunk or tipsy. Good thing Mark is sober enough to change his own clothes and brush his teeth he knew you will seriously throw a fit if he goes to bed without brushing his teeth. You hand him a glass of water before you take a shower, “you sleepy already?” this time its you who gave him a kiss, he shook his head. “Not drunk anymore either” he’s quick to pull you for a tight hug, kissing your lips sweetly and taking his time with you. “I’ll shower first before everything else” you try to push him away giggling and pinching his cute butt. “aw-“

Your mind was clouded by what happened earlier that you forgot to bring your clothes with you at the bathroom. You didn’t have any choice but to walk into Mark’s room with just your towel. He whistled when you came in, telling you that he can smell you from where he’s seated. “Is this a new thing of yours? Walking into my room with only your towel?” he teased you making you both giggle and laugh.

“I will take off your clothes the moment you finished putting them on. I wont bother putting them If I were you”

Of all the many things Mark is good at, sweet talking is one of it. You tsked and walked slowly towards him, straddling him while he comfortably lays in bed. Gripping your towel tightly, careful not to let it fall. Mark let out a frustrated laugh and closed his eyes, “Y/n if I’m good at sweet talking you’re good at teasing” he knew you so well. You grind on his clothed crotch, making his thin pyjamas wet from your juices. “Please remove your towel, I want to see you” you didn’t stopped grinding on his hard crotch, slowly you let your towel fall making Mark impatient he grabbed the end of it and threw it somewhere on the floor.

He sat up meeting your lips, hands all over your body. Kissing each other hungrily like you’ve been away for a long time. You removed Mark’s shirt worshipping your boyfriend’s beautiful body and kissed his flawless abs, down to his abdomen removing his pyjamas and boxer briefs in one swift move. With no words or whatsoever, you suck him off like theres no tomorrow. His hands quick to be on top of your head, “Why do I feel like I’m getting rewarded every time you suck me off” he felt the vibration from your giggle.

You pump his cock while slowly sucking him off, playing with his head with a pool of spit in your mouth. Mark likes it filthy but he never mentions it to you because he’s a gentleman. Seeing your boyfriend’s parted lips while his eyes are closed, makes him ten times hotter always. “Oh y/n, baby - shit, you’re in trouble for making me feel so good right now” he managed to let out a threat even though he’s quivering. It’s obvious that he’s on edge already, you removed his cock from your mouth your hand played with his head, making him whine and quiver more he almost kicked you “So what? you want me to stop?”

“No! - fucking - Im sorry please baby, put it back in your mouth” and you did, he smiled at you letting you know he’s thankful. After a few minutes, Mark is a whining mess cursing and breathing heavily under your touch while you try your best to keep his hips steady. You don’t always swallow his cum, but when you do he loses his mind and becomes a little rough in bed. Which you love.

You lay on his chest after sucking him off, listening to his heart beat feeling his fingers draw invisible lines on your back. “Your cum tastes like vodka” you both laughed at what you said. He was poking your pussy on purpose which you just let him do, “I wonder what your cum tastes like tonight?” you smiled at him, he kissed you in return. He loves seeing your hair perfectly falls to your side so he kept his eyes open the whole time you were kissing him softly.

Slowly pulling away from him you giggle at the sight of your boyfriend being needy of your kisses. “Mark Lee, tonight is your lucky night and your time to be a pillow princess” he looks at you for a second, hesitating since he wanted to make you feel good tonight. “Okay” he shifts to a better position in bed, making himself comfortable and waiting for your next move. “Hmm. Mark, I just remembered” you came closer to him, lips almost touching. “We don’t have condoms” you laughed at his reaction. Completely frustrated, groaning and massaging his forehead. “You planned this” he quickly accused you since you’re the one who keep on insisting to have sex without condoms these couple of days but he never let you win. “Oh y/n! You’re so good at teasing like - ugh! The things I want to do to you baby” you were still laughing while kissing his neck, marking him for the first time tonight.

“pullout”

“No way”

“Come on you’re Mark Lee. You can do anything” you sat in between his legs, kissing his abs slowly going down.

“Its not that I can’t do it, you know I can. And I kinda want to” he felt your kisses on his cock. Making him flinch, completely aware that your kisses are sweet traps. “Its dangerous, we don’t know what might happen” you groan in frustration, “Jeno does it all the time and she never gets pregnant. Come on, just this one time” his eyes widened by the mention of Jeno’s name, he didn’t expect that you will use Jeno in this type of situation. “I’m sorry” you knew what you did and you were guilty of it, “I shouldn’t have said that baby, I’m sorry” you stopped what you’re doing and lay on top of your boyfriend.

He hates seeing you like this. Maybe he can pullout just for tonight. You felt him tap your ass, you hum and looked at him. “I think” he gulps, he cant believe he’s actually saying yes, “Just don’t make me cum, I’ll make you cum tonight” you giggle like a little girl and quickly placed your hand on his cock making him hard again, kissing his nipples making him needy of you. He closed his eyes again savouring the pleasure.

You grind and grind on his cock, making it hard with your juices. He doesn’t say it but it makes him crazy feeling your pussy like this. “Baby It’s not even in yet” you stopped grinding because he looked like he’s about to cum. “Dont mind me, you’re hot. I can’t help it” he smiled at you completely letting go of all the worries running in his head.

When you finally lined his cock at your entrance and slowly pushing it in, the feeling was surreal. The pleasure when you grind more on his cock was addicting you can’t explain how good it is. It’s the first time both of you had sex without a condom and it made you both speechless. It felt like you’re having sex for the first time again. Only your moans and Mark’s surrounds the room. You were panting and breathing hard, hoping Mark could talk to you. But instead he switched the positions making you underneath him, his lips never left yours. You felt him slowly pullout and it made you whine, a little disappointed. “Baby why -“ but the moment you voiced out your disappointment, he came slamming in your pussy making you moan a little louder than before.

His pace was slow, enough to make you both crazy and at the same time wanting for more. Mark is completely taking control now, “Remind me to fuck you raw again next time” you gasped at what he just said leaving you in awe and making you more turned on. You switched positions again making you on top, straddling him. “You won’t give up, do you?” he intertwines his fingers with yours, kissing both of your knuckles. “Nope. Told you I want to take control tonight” he nods in approval, he grabs your boobs while you grind on top of him. The view of you grinding slowly and then suddenly bouncing on his cock, not taking your eyes off him is something he will never forget.

He slapped your ass leaving you shocked. “Is that that the best you got, don’t make me switch positions again” you scoffed and doubled your pace making his head turn left and right, “You’re saying that as if you’re not on edge already. Mark, baby, you don’t know what you’re saying” you bite back.

“You’re right- fuck - Im gonna cum” to his surprise you switched positions again, encircling your arms around his neck kissing him like crazy.

“Pullout. Show me you can” you challenged him again.

He smirked and sucked his thumb, putting it on your clit stimulating you while he pounds your pussy. You regret putting him in charge again, you feel your high coming making your legs weak. “Oh my go- Mark!” You whine and moan making him stop when you already came. You saw him pullout, pump his cock and ruining his blue sheets, his eyes still not leaving you. Still on high from your orgasm , you cover your face with all your energy left telling him to stop looking at you.

“Mark, stop looking at me while you jerk off. You’re turning me on”

You closed your eyes still avoiding his gaze, but he went in between your legs again spreading your folds and licks your cunt. Making you quiver and gasp pushing his head away from your pussy but you feel so weak. All you can do now is give in to what he’s doing. You came again for the second time tonight, and you swear you feel so tired.

Mark felt so accomplished by making you feel good and tired tonight. He didn’t expect that fucking you raw can make him more addicted to you than he already is. You felt wet kisses all over your body, hearing him giggle and laugh from time to time. “Hmm. Im not yet tired. Want round two?” He licks your hard nipples, touching and pinching them to wake you up. You both know that saying no to round two will only make you both horny the next day.

“Give me a few minutes” you asked of him.

“Nope. Nu-uh” he’s teasing your slit again, making you sensitive and shiver under him.

Starting that night, you’ve drawn to each other even more. And having sex at least once a week without condom became a thing for the both of you. It’s not that having sex with condoms bore you, it’s just that Mark fucking you raw made the sex even more better than before.

“I’m telling you! He was completely out of his mind the moment-“ Mark quickly covers your mouth before you tell Jeno everything about the first night you two fucked raw. Jeno was laughing the whole time teasing Mark while he mixed drinks, not letting Mark get away with this.

“You’re so dead later” Mark threatened you again with a kiss on your temple.

After a few weeks, Mark insists on using condoms again because he’s scared he might not control himself anymore and cum instead you. “Is it too late for me to try taking pills?” he didn’t stopped you when you suggested it, “only if you’re comfortable with taking it, okay?” You nod.

When your final wave of exams are finished, everyone was out celebrating. That means Mark will be busy serving drinks again on a Friday night. Your best friend wants to get drunk so bad because she and Jeno had a fight. All you can do is be with her, meddling with other’s relationship is not actually your thing. You can only assure to Jeno that you’re taking care of her.

“Don’t let her drink too much” Jeno begs. You both know that your best friend is stubborn and she gets a little too alcoholic whenever they fight. “I’ll try” you said, giving him a frown and you went back to the table.

You felt sick a minute after your best friend threw up for the third time tonight. The smell of her puke made you dizzy and throw up too. You wished for this night to end soon.

Mark was quick too find you the moment you’re nowhere to be found around the area. He found you on the bathroom floor leaning on the wall. “Y/n, what on earth? I barely gave you drinks tonight” you felt so weak, your head hurts you cant speak.

The next day, you woke up on Mark’s bed wearing one of his shirts and comfortable sweatpants. You saw him on his small kitchen making pancakes, while drinking coffee. You quietly sneaked behind him giving him morning kisses and thanking him for taking care of you last night. “To make you feel even better, Jeno made amends last night he apologised before they went home” it indeed made you feel better but not physically, you feel like throwing up again leaving Mark at the kitchen and running to the bathroom as quick as you can.

You threw up on the toilet making you feel disgusted to yourself, cursing all the alcoholic beverages you drank last night. Mark came in leaning on the door with a glass of water, worried about you and to what’s happening in your body. He didn’t want to think about it, but he suspects you’re pregnant.

“When was the last time you had your period?” That question from Mark made you completely irritated. You shrugged it off, not telling him a word. Thinking maybe he’s right.

The whole morning was quiet, something that never happens whenever you and Mark spend breakfast together. You asked him to take you home because you’re worried your parents might get mad at him.

When you got home, you checked your menstrual cycle only to find out you’re four weeks late. You were scared of course. Mark knew what exactly you were going to do so he didn’t leave yet. You saw him standing outside your room, looking at you as if he knew already what you just found out.

“I’m here. I’ll take responsibility”

You cried and cried that night while Mark holds you tight. Blaming no one but yourself. Mark is trying his best to comfort you and be with you, letting you know that he will never leave you all throughout the process. “All we have to do is be honest with the people around us. Specially to your parents, they love you. Im sure sure they help is through this. I’ll talk to my parents as well” hearing him talk like this makes you wonder what did you do deserve Mark.

Telling your parents that you’re pregnant is never easy. But having someone beside you while you feel like your world is suddenly crashing down is a different kind of blessing that you don’t deserve. Mark was there holding your hand the whole time when you told your family about being pregnant. And he was right, your parent loves you.

Nothing was easy about teenage pregnancy. It challenges you mentally and physically. You feel like a completely different person when you first saw your baby bump, but nothing compared to the feeling when the doctor told you and Mark that you’re having a baby boy.

“Okay, how about Marco? Marcus? So we could call him Marky” you laughed at the baby names your boyfriend suggests. They’re not bad, but it’s funny how he still wants to name the baby after his name.

When the day finally came, you were fighting for your life and you were sent to the hospital 2 weeks early before the estimated date of your delivery. Everyone was nervous, and patiently waiting outside the delivery room. And when the doctor finally came out, everyone burst into tears.

“Her delivery was not easy, but y/n and the baby are safe now”

Mark Wanted to scream, and tell everyone in the hospital how he’s so proud of you for fighting for your own life and for Marco’s. When he saw you and his baby for the first, he cried. Telling soft wishes beside the baby’s ear, playing with it’s small hands.

You and Mark were great parents even though you’re both young for that role. He had double shifts at the bar so he can earn more. Telling everyone that you delivered the baby safely and that he’s saving up so people will start seeing him more and serving more drinks.

You on the other hand, is completely hands on with your son, taking care of him 24/7 and not letting anyone touch your baby except Mark and your parents. You decided to leave school and return next year with Mark so the both of you can provide a great future for your baby.

The baby is now five months old and everyone is excited to meet him. But its not safe to bring him on Jeno’s birthday. So you asked for your parents to look after baby Marco for tonight. You and Mark kissed baby Marco goodbye as you went out to head to the bar.

“Do you think it’s right to make your parents take care of our baby just because it’s Jeno’s birthday?” Mark asked.

“I feel guilty too baby, but you need to work. And I promised Jeno. Besides its only for tonight and Im not drinking tonight, not a drop” he nods.

When you both arrived at the bar, Mark went straight to work, kissing you a couple of times before letting you go. As usual your best friend is already drunk, but trying her best to sober up because she’s the one driving you home tonight. You greet Jeno a happy birthday, telling him to stop giving his girlfriend alcohol and start giving her water.

“And speaking of water, heres yours my love” Mark gave you a glass of water reaching for a kiss. “Mark Im going to be drunk tonight, drunk in love” your boyfriend blushed but rolls his eyes on you.

You went back to your best friend with her glass of water, making her drink all of it. “Y/n I want to go home. I promised Jeno I wouldn’t stay late because I have early classes tomorrow” you nod and helped her gather her stuff, putting her jacket on. Mark was serving drinks at the other side of the bar, so you made Jeno tell him that you went home already.

Mark was grabbing a glass at the rack when suddenly one of it slipped through his hand, something that never happened before. “It’s okay I got it, go make drinks they want 10 rum cokes. You’re the expert” Hyuck grabs the broom and cleaned up.

Talking to people while mixing drinks is his thing, he heard Jeno called him a few times but he ignored him and kept on taking orders from people. He felt someone grabbed him from behind only to find out it was Jeno. Tears falling completely speechless.

When someone finally talked to Mark about what happened, his world stopped.

That night, you and your best friend died from car crash.

Mark was beyond heartbroken. He never talked to Jeno ever again because he’s scared he might hate him for the rest of his life. He asked for some time before he’s ready to face his best friend again. After the funeral, Mark talked to your parents and begged them to take care of Marco. Not because he’s running away from his responsibilities but because he knew he can’t take care of his son if he’s depressed. Mark never felt so lonely in his life.

He went back to Korea to his parents to seek comfort and asked them to help him stand with his own feet again. He experienced a different kind of sadness every day, crying every night because you’re alive and well in his dreams, he sometimes imagine that you’re still alive and making himself believe that you’re still here. But Mark knew better. He’s desperate to move on and be better for his son.

After a year, Mark is still experiencing the stages of grief meaning he’s still not capable of taking care of his son, which he agrees. But he realised its not right for him to miss out on in his son’s growth. Slowly with the help of his parents and your parents, he fixed himself again for his son. Although he’s still grieving, he pushes himself to go back to school and finish college. It’s something you would him to do.

5 years later

All is well and on the right track again. Marco grew well with the help of everyone who witnessed him struggle. Mark is financially stable and has a proper home for him and his son. The boy is still young to understand about death but Mark made sure you’re always present in their lives. Keeping pictures of you around the house so he’s familiar with your beautiful face, trying his best on teaching his son the way you would teach him so he would live up just like his mother.

Whenever little Marco and Mark forgets to brush their teeth Mark will always remind him that you will get mad, “Come on you little dork, if mom is here she will surely yell at us.”

Mark cried when Marco asked why he doesn’t have a mom, “No baby don’t say that. Mom is watching us from above, you don’t need to worry about a thing. Were both here with you”

By the time Marco was not so baby anymore and he finished grade school “Mom is proud of you kiddo” Mark finally brought him to your grave and explained what happened as light as possible so he wouldn’t get sad overwhelmed.

As part of moving on and forgiving, Mark and Jeno finally talked again after years and years of building their life again. Jeno and Haechan became great uncles to Marco, taking care of him with all their might because they see you in you in your son.

Mark never understood why such tragedies occur in your life, but he believes that you can take care of both him and your son from up there and that comforts him.

The end. ................................................. Masterlist Thanks for reading! If you came to this point, I hope you enjoyed it! I tried writing something longer but this is all I could manage. hehe.

#nct-writers #neowritingsnet #cznet #nct smut #nct mark lee #mark lee smut #nct fluff #fluff mark lee #nct angst #mark lee angst #nct #nct mark #nct imagines #mark lee

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jjuzoir · 3 years

Text

A3! Rant bellow! I know most of my followers now follow me because of Haikyuu or other fandoms but originally this was a A3!-centric blog, which is why due to the news of the Eng server being shut down I felt the need to just… say something.

To sum things up: I’ll continue writing for A3!, I’ll still be up to date with the events on JP and reading translations of the game, so don’t worry (^_^) I’m way too invested in the game to leave it just yet. If anything, it’s inspiring me to keep studying japanese even harder;; kkkk

TW// Su*cide, S/H, and me being mentally unwell on main :’)

- - -

Now, onto the longer side of things… to say this is depressing is an understatement. I’ve been playing and following the game since it came out in english and, as unhealthy as it sounds, was such an important part of my recovery process. 2018-2019 were such hard years for me, and it culminated in October of 19’ where everything really felt like it was ending. I’d had a couple of attempts at the time, but that October had been especially hard — it was around that time I had discovered the game and god, the amount of joy it brought me back then… whenever I felt down or overwhelmed I’d always go back to it, the characters and the stories became such a comfort that I struggle to imagine what I’d have done if it weren’t for the game. Whenever I felt down or like I was about to hurt myself, I’d always try and turn to the game — and while it didn’t always work it made me feel safe. When I ultimately recovered from my final attempt, A3! was one of the few things that kept being a constant to me; like it didn’t matter how much I struggled and felt like things were stagnant, it was always just there.

Nowadays, it still serves as a comfort, I’m healing and don’t have that much of an unhealthy relationships with it that I see it as the sole reason I’ve kept going. I’m getting better, albeit slowly, but I still find myself running back to when things get too much. Which is why, I guess, the news have hit me so hard. I’ve been basically bawling my eyes out for the last 40 minutes since I heard the news. It’s not the first time a game I’ve been a fan of has shut down (afterl!fe comes to mind), but this is the one where I guess it hurts the most. I’ll still hope, albeit childishly, that maybe someday we’ll get new events in the Eng servers, because god knows how much this stupid, definitely broken gacha game about a silly little found family means to me. God, just writing this makes me feel like crying… I’m so, pissed? At the way Cybrid has handled the game, because it has absolutely everything to be successful, but the marketing was so, so bad. I can’t help but wish another company had taken the localization and distribution, because A3! already had the Japanese market and backing to prove it could be successful… I hope Liber is able to revive the server with better marketing someday, maybe they’ll realize the opportunity a game like A3! brought. They know how to release and market games, the Ikemen series is a clear example, so I can’t help but wonder why the hell A3! was such a failure… maybe they’re just used the romance games. As for now, I’m just glad they won’t delete the game and still allow us to revisit the stories and cards, I still have a bunch of unread events and card stories and I don’t think I’m quite ready to completely leave the game.

I don’t think, as long as this blog keeps running, that I’ll ever stop writing for A3!. The current event will still be going and I’ll continue working on requests on the meantime. If for some reason you read this far, thank you for listening to me ramble/cry about a game getting shut down.

Take my favorite CG’s as gifts!

#—📢 sora screams!#—🎀 a3!#*📥 announcements #a3!#act addict actors #(god… just the thought of the game stopping makes me want to cry again)

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commander-diomika · 3 years

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I just feel like i cannot do a single thing until I wrote out what happened with my ex. I feel completely clogged and broken down. I know this isn't exactly the same as journaling but here we go.

The timeline; five and a half years ago, Charlie and I got together. Two years later in early 2018 we moved in together after getting engaged. It was always an unconventional relationship structure; we're polyam, we've both got other partners, and I was very clear that I wanted to continue living with my queerplatonic life partner as well, so the three of us moved into together. We approached it carefully; I had said I never wanted to cohabit with a partner again, they weren't sure if it suited them. So we got a three bedroom place, everyone got a bedroom and Charlie got the garage as their study/rumpus room so they could have plenty of space for their computer and independence from me.

We'd been living together for a year, when out of the blue they told me they wanted to move out, citing not feeling like they had enough space from me, and being able to hear me have sex with my other partners was distressing as our bedrooms shared a wall. Up until this point I thought we'd been sharing fairly successfully for a pair of mentally ill, depressed people doing their best to support each other and share a bit of joy where we could. I was heartbroken and felt like this had been dropped on me out of nowhere. They'd never mentioned any issues or told me that hearing my sex life was upsetting them, or tried to bring me into that thought process at all. I told them off for making a unilateral decision about our relationship and living situation, and they agreed to stay and try and work on the issues instead of just leaving. This got long, more under the cut.

As a compromise, I moved my bedroom from upstairs next to theirs into the garage downstairs. That... wasn't ideal obviously? It's a poorly insulated room with no windows to the outside right next to the kitchen, but I was committed to them and I wanted them to be comfortable, whatever that took. I understood that this was an experimental solution, not one that promised to fix everything, but I spent the next six months checking in a LOT to make sure their concerns had been resolved, and they assured me that they were happy, and my garage bedroom had fixed it.

The three of us got a dog. I drove them to and from multiple surgeries and cared for them in recovery. I spent a vicious year going to therapy 1-2 times a week. I got sober. I learnt to manage my ASD diagnosis and pulled myself up outta a pretty deep hole. I put on a solo Fringe show.

One year after moving into Garage Bedroom, the pando hit. Almost nine months of hard lockdown together in a house with the three of us. But we got through it. I spent most of 2020 doing all the cooking because I was off work, and Charlie was still working from home, so we fell into a routine of me cooking when the worked, and they cooked (reluctantly) one night a week. I tried to be the best partner I could and check in as much as I could, even though the answer to "how are you" for most of 2020, for everyone, was "sad and scared and just doing my damn best." They said they were happy. They told me they loved me. They told me they loved living with me.

In late Jan of 2020, several months out of hard lockdown and less than a month after the three of us adopted a cat, Charlie once again drops the bomb that they want to move out. Less than a week later they had applied for and accepted the lease on a new house. I had no idea this was coming. They never told me they were unhappy or wanted things to change. Which was a fairly ingrained pattern in our relationship by then, but I guess I deluded myself into thinking that if there was a really big issue, they would come to me. That I didn't need to go fishing for problems if I was given no indication that they existed.

They moved out, which I helped them do, once again putting their needs ahead of mine. As long as they were happy and doing what was right for them, I couldn't be upset, right?

Couldn't be upset that they'd completely upended my life, left me and my roomie with the dog and cat, and the choice to either move ourselves or live with a stranger. They wanted things to just continue... with the two of us spending one or so nights a week together but with them now in a different house. Like things hadn't changed. Like I wasn't hurting and the trust wasn't broken. Like I wasn't still reeling over the fact they could have decided to do this without even flagging it to be before enacting the move out. I tried to let things continue. Said for the moment I had to reframe us as friends but wanted to keep seeing them.

That lasted about a month before I allowed myself to realise it was over, to reflect on all the ways I felt wounded, all the ways in which I couldn't feel close to them through the huge gulf of their lack of consideration or ability to open up to me. The final nail in the coffin was a long message from me, laying out my hurt, laying out my fears that living alone would allow them to indulge their tendancy toward isolation, all the ways in which their staying silent about their needs had hurt the relationship in many ways, not just the sudden move-out. Their reply was that they understood and respected my need for space and a proper break up, but that part of them was confused about how I had seemed happy with our relationship before we moved in together, and they didn't understand why we couldn't just go back to the way things were.

To be clear if you've read this far, they were confused about why things just couldn't go back to the way they were, three years ago, before we got engaged, before we adopted pets together, before we shared our lives and friends, meals and domestic life through a long a traumatic year.

And I realised then with a horrible, gut wrenching grief that for them truly nothing had changed. They had committed no more to the relationship in those intervening years. They had revealed no more of themself to me, they hadn't let me in or dedicated themself to the relationship in the way that I had. That all of my growth and learning to let people in had been one sided, and they truly just thought we could drop everything and return to the way our relationship looked back then, when I was a much less open and vulnerable person, when I was deeply fucking depressed and addicted to drugs.They had patted me on the back as I went through a grueling amount of transformative therapy, and they hadn't changed from their stoic, self protective, guarded ways at all. And they wanted to push me even further away.

I'm upset with myself for not seeing it, for not realising I was pouring love, service and commitment into something that they were still holding at arms length. That just because you show someone the hard parts of yourself, if they're not doing it in return it's not really love, is it? I was just a helpful person to have around and they wanted to continue by keeping the easy, companionable parts of us, without them having to do any of the hard work, or ever truly COMMIT to the MORTIFYING fucking ordeal of being KNOWN. They never even understood or acknowledged the importance of that! I thought I was giving them time and space to come to those things on their own, but really I was just giving them permission to never be truly open with me. And that persisted right up until the bitter, shocking end.

There's no happy ending here currently, except for allowing myself to reflect and to reframe our relationship. To better understand. And to let myself feel angry, and upset, for being in a onesided relationship for so long. Perhaps after I'm done being angry, there will be some relief that I'm not longer pouring myself into someone that wasn't able, for whatever reasons, to give much of themselves back. 18/04/2021

#hank talks #relationships #cfc #polyam #polyamory #i understand that much of their difficulties in being vulnerable stem from trauma #but you don't get to use that as an excuse for FIVE years #or to mistreat people #break ups #i just feel very small and silly and used over it all #all those times they agreed that we needed to be more emotionally intimate and vulnerable and #i just don't think they were capable of that without unpacking A LOT of shit which they just never did

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sugar-petals · 4 years

Note

Can u introduce yuzuru to us the caro way?👀

so you want to know about the one and only. ♡😌

yuzuru hanyū (25) of sendai, japan: the most beautiful ice prince with a heart of gold.

….an artist clearly not of this world, he’s been sent to us from another realm. 19 world records, two olympics won, dubbed the greatest figure skater of all time. and the most precious bean on top of that.

but let’s start from the beginning, shall we ♥︎

so, want to spot yuzu on the ice? use this checklist. slender silhouette, an even slimmer waist, feather-like outfits (he sketches those himself; the fandom lovingly calls him swanyu), soft blushy face. he has great androgyny.

outside of performances, you see him either with a deer’s gaze or the brightest, biggest eye smile. also, he’s usually found sitting with his wife:

which is the ice 😄 these two are together forever. you can discern yuzu from a mile away by how he treats his working ground.

there is a purity to him. you’d not guess that this is one of the most ardent athletes if you didn’t see what’s around his neck after competitions. the guy’s cuteness is as compelling as his skating technique.

look for it: yuzu’s face is super suave and rosy up close, even after his most energetic performances. some men are handsome, others pretty, he is both.

even acoustically, he’s hard to miss. applause is all around, and he’s highly expressive. if you see a crying young man getting the high score, that’s yuzuru hanyu. you’ve not seen more beautiful happy tears.

and score reactions, anyway:

so, aye loves, the rumors are true. a cutie-pie off the ice, animated, a real unabashed meme — yuzu is easy-going, talkative. cheery, cheeky, one of a kind. his facial expressions are a league of their own.

if you thought this is the sort of guy who watches cat videos, you are correct 😄

yuz-uwu hanyu, everybody:

his undoubtedly feline behaviour is often unexpected, it stands out with its adorableness, too. a sweetheart par excellence.

and, how else could it be: vice versa, the big beast on the rink. he’s cutesy, dorky, very well-spoken in daily life, but when it comes to skating, his seriousness escalates. you blink once and suddenly hanyu is a bedazzling, strutting lion :’D his performances stun with confident elegance.

he becomes full of ardor, drama, and focus. you’d never suspect so much fire burns in him. a showman and ambition icon, hands down.

his skating is dynamic, perfected, and emotional. if you want to see art and the extra mile, tune in when hanyu competes.

the downside is; more light, more shadow. it leaves him crawling on the ice afterwards. yuzu performs so hard, it’s worrying.

he delivers it all. you won’t believe it:

this guy is an asthmatic.

the symptoms aren’t as bad as they used to be, but there are still regular attacks. he said that he’ll never take it as an excuse and often recalls how he started skating because of it. he’s a badass, extremely inspiring. yuzuru defies all limits, including gravity. his jumps have legendary status.

off the rink, you guessed it: he turns into a wholly different person.

it all dissolves completely when he’s dorking around again.

don’t let it deceive you, he’s the no other option than first place type. he could not be any more decorated with titles, he achieved the grand slam in all competitions as of 2020. and still, king of sportsmanship hanyu is respectful and smiley towards all colleagues and never lets anyone feel left out. especially when it comes to his juniors (e.g. yuma kagiyama, 16, below) which says a lot about him.

he bows in every direction before an audience, too. lower than a 90° angle, even. this is more polite than any existing formality in japan.

talk about audience: i introduced fellow japanese skater shoma uno last week, who’s more uncomfortable with social contact and aggression. yuzu, extrovert he is: the exact opposite. he withers away with no people and competition. he’s befriended rivals, had crises over not having someone who could challenge him. when a competitor retires, he’s the one crying in their arms (e.g. with team mate and bff javier fernandez from spain below).

beside his competitive spirit and princely wow factor, hanyu is popular for his winnie pooh tissue box that he caresses, squeezes, and carries everywhere. he loves good luck charms & rituals, pooh is the most important one.

fans throw pooh plushies on the ice after his performances because of it. since it’s gotten so intense, yuzu recently started cleaning them up himself on top of the flower girls for the upcoming skater who could get delayed otherwise. (more about what happens with the piles of plushies later.)

so, the burning question is.

what made yuzuru hanyu emerge so outstanding an entertainer? how does someone causing so much uproar become like that? it’s not just what kind of appearance he was given, although he really looks his part to a T. you don’t have to be an insider to see it right away.

like literally to a fault. and you can tell the way his blades sound on the ice is different. it’s soft even if he does the most hardcore quadruple jumps. i think it’s because his drive to do this is a higher one, hanyu has an altered relationship with the ice. where his devotion comes from has a more severe reason so, massive trigger warning.

this is no exaggeration: yuzuru is considered a hero to the japanese. a survivor of the earthquake 2011, he narrowly escaped the collapsing rink in his hometown on that very day. he’s often talked about how the ice shattered underneath his feet and it was the moment that defined his life forever. he could have been dead by the age of 16. his motivation has been set ever since. this man is compelled by something bigger, that’s why you hear it and you feel it. he wants to skate not just for himself but others and seize every day.

youtube

much of his copious charity work — that’s where all the pooh plushies go — went to mend the consequences of the tsunami ever since, he’s looked upon as a great hope in japan. the minister gave him the people’s honor award in 2018.

now you know why yuzuru has such a fanbase and treats the ice as sacred, you see it in every gesture. his manners are without a single flaw, he helps staff repair the ice after performances.

you might think it’s odd, but he honors the ground. he’s invested in the integrity of it. that’s why he’s the best skater. it’s gratitude and the will to live fully.

he hates to fall on the ice, he hates to damage it. alongside his feathery weight, that’s why the sound he makes while gliding along is so tender.

i think that’s also why hanyu’s signature element is the ina bauer. it doesn’t rely on brutal force, instead this element slides across the rink like a swan. yeah, oh my god.

it’s his most well-known dramatic move. the way he surrenders into it.

hanyu’s back arch and perfect split allow him to do elements no other male skaters can. his biellmann spin, for instance. i know, it’s ridiculous.

and those are just two elements of dozens and dozens. hanyu is a kinetic wizard. i highly rec this record-breaking delivery of his olympic program. in front of his home crowd! he’s just… mind-boggling. i live for his smiles here.

youtube

exceptional skater, exceptional mentor: it’s time we look at another puzzle piece that made yuzu the way he is. the masterful brian orser is hanyu’s beloved coach. missing gold by just one mistake at the olympics 1988, brian is now committed to give others what he couldn’t have— successfully so.

orser took the ice prince to gold twice, this hasn’t happened in 66 years. brian is the nicest and most supportive pooh carrier and yuzu’s utmost rock. hanyu’s talent rests safely in these hands.

he gets strict about punctuality lmao! but other than that, his guidance is gentle. canadian he is, brian’s courteousness mixes well with yuzu’s politeness. their bond is strong. as. hell.

brian picked up yuzu from rock bottom several times. most fateful being hanyu’s accident with a fellow skater during competition warm-ups nov 2014. they collided at a high speed, it was unspeakably nasty. yuzu got knocked out for half a minute and had grave breathing problems but still decided to skate on with what later turned out as an almost-concussion. brian was the most worried ice dad in the world that day.

yuzu cried and crouched and bled like mad and my heart has been broken ever since. i hope he never suffers like that again. promise me you don’t search up the video, it’s a harrowing watch like a stab to the chest. sadly enough, hanyu’s body has still been a notorious wreck, esp. ankle issues regularly give him a hard time 😔

it hurts like a bitch with every jump landing but he takes meds and still manages to win, god knows how. sometimes even with crutches on the podium. at his worst, he’s still the best, it’s a tragedy.

he’s been recovering, or always is, but he pushes himself through injuries. his ambition and perfectionism are boundless. the cause is more important to him than his well-being. this is not an easy guy to stan once you see how he sacrifices and self-destructs. so, it’s good someone protects him.

mostly from himself because nobody has profoundly surpassed hanyu. he has let himself no choice than to contest himself. not even health, only age can stop yuzu. i think that brian understands this ‘curse of a genius’ effect. his mere presence can make hanyu say these rare words:

his two other coaches contribute to that. tracy wilson (left) has proven to understand his playful side the best while ghislain briand (right) helps yuzuru deal with his fears. so you got 3 people taking care of the golden boy. brian once said: “he is very sheltered” and you can see it’s true.

yuzu eased into learning english and communicates well with his coaches. like with everything, he studies hard and often forces himself to speak during interviews to practice. his skills are astounding. his speaking voice is also very soothing, very amicably low and high alike. yuzu is highly intelligent. he always says something eloquent and interesting.

now, privately, hanyu is very much like you’d expect someone so devoted to skating would be like. he doesn’t go out, has no social media, can’t eat nor sleep very well. no cameras allowed during practice. it figures he is attached to winnie pooh, think about it. in the cartoon, pooh is someone who sleeps, eats, and engages with friends plenty.

these are the things hanyu can’t do, doesn’t have time/energy/incentive for. he is barred from balance in life but can at least admire this little carefree plushie for it. especially because pooh represents eating lots while yuzuru doesn’t have a good relationship with food (he says it doesn’t go well with jumps etc.), hanyu lives vicariously through him.

what’s more, you have to see how he throws himself onto others and never wants to let go, yuzuru is extremely cuddly.

to the degree that mere social customs can’t meet how much he really needs. so, what else can he resort to, he loves mascots and plushies. it’s how the tale goes in japan generally, tough work ethic, high responsibility, high pressure, so people turn to cute fluffy things.

he always fondles pooh’s head, even pretends he’s come to life so he has someone to snuggle with. i think that his isolated lifestyle doesn’t help. so, he gets his affection at least there, you can see how happy it makes him. and again: he does this all for charity.

that’s why fellow skaters are so important to hanyu. it really brings out his social spirit and comforts him best, it’s so wholesome. i’ve not seen someone react so relieved to being embraced, like he’s not been touched for months. skating this, skating that. at the end of the day, hanyu wants love.

as he once said, what motivates him is to express himself in the first place. hanyu is a romantic. it’s written all over him. it reflects in his music choices, his elegant motion, how he designs his outfits:

… and how thoughtfully he talks about marriage. he has big plans for starting a family and coaching after he retires. i won’t be the only one squeezing lucky charm pooh in my imagination so it turns out well for him. please make this heart of gold heal and see all his wishes come true ♡🐻

#thank you for attending this talk ❄️⛸#i need a moment this was emotional #figure skating #yuzuru hanyu #brian orser #anon #cub mail 🐅#long post #team japan

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the-space-lady · 3 years

Text

I think it is time to say Goodbye.

Hello! Mod here, Tataia. I’ve come to make an announcement about the-space-lady and edgy-frenchman.

From this day on, I will not be updating these blogs anymore. I will be closing the inbox and delete all unanswered asks.

Don’t worry! They will still be up, you can come back to look through everything as many times as you’d like, but don’t expect any new posts in either blogs.

Now, we all know already that these blogs have been on an never ending hiatus, and it showed no signs of updating regularly like back in the day. So, let’s have a little (okay, kind of long) chat, about how this blog came to life, and how I am happy and thankful with everything that came from it.

Feel free to not read this at all, because it is kind of a long read.

If you have any questions, please send an ask to my main blog, @tataiafurquim, and follow my twitter where I’m the most active, also going by the same username.

Three years ago, 2017, for the first time in the Brawlhalla history, there was a new legend leak! It was a picture taken with a phone of a monitor screen which showed the character selection screen in Brawlhalla, of the next legend in the default pose (the one that every legend has before getting their signature poses once they’re released); that was the first time everyone saw Artemis. BMG didn’t even announce her on dev streams by that point. The picture was shared in the r/Brawlhalla discord server, and, Calamari-Pop herself had tagged me to see it in one of the text channels, saying, ‘look! female Orion!’. Since I started playing the game, I’ve always been an Orion main, and once I saw Artemis for the first time, I felt like it was love at first sight.

I was instantly hyped for the character, while most people were complaining that ‘BMG had run out of ideas for new legends’, I couldn’t wait for her release, she was so beautiful, I never felt so hyped for something like I did for Artemis. I was probably the first person to make fanart for her and post it on r/Brawlhalla. People’s opinions on Artemis were very 50/50. People didn’t like her because ‘it’s just female Orion’, others genuinely liked her, and were excited to play with the next scythe legend.

I didn’t have many friends at the time who were into Brawlhalla, so for me the hype was kept mainly to myself, and of course, through my art. The picture we had of Artemis was very poor quality, so a lot of early art was missing a lot of details, but I didn’t care; I just kept drawing the only thing that was bringing me happiness.

I was a 14 year old when all of this happened, school was being very rough on me, back in the day I used to struggle so much to study, it was a pain to focus and learn, I’d always give up and go back to video games and art. My grades were horrible, I felt like my personal friendships were kind of faling apart, and so with my family. The only light at the end of the tunnel I had at the time, was the idea of making an ask blog for Artemis.

At first, I was skeptical. What if it flops? The Brawlhalla community wasn’t very active in other social medias, it was small, but everyone was close and if something big was announced, the word would spread fast. I mean, it was worth a short. Worse comes to worse, I delete the blog and move on. Ask blogs weren’t as popular as they were either.

I had claimed the URL even before Artemis was announced in a dev stream, so the blog was ready to go. I remember waiting a little more than a month when the patch of her release was finally online, and I did my move of announcing the blog in every social media I could, and so I waited for the community to show up.

And they didn’t stop coming! It was ask after ask, I was so happy, this little blog was my escape from the real world. Answering people as Artemis was honestly the most fun I was having during that year. And I could also draw her as much as I’d like! The blog was growing, and so was my audience of people who was genuinely following me for my regular art. Even when I was grounded because I did bad on a test, I still answered people with drawings made on paper.

Needless to say, this blog was definitely, a start for me in the Brawlhalla community. “Are you the person who draws a lot of Artemis?” “Yep! That’s me!” It was great, I felt like I was finally becoming someone somewhat important in a community like I always wished to, drawing what I loved, and people loved it. I even met my soon-to-be boyfriend through it!

But of course, that didn’t stop what was happening outside of the computer screen. Things were going even more downhill the more I focused on the internet and forgot about real life. It was helpless; there was no way I was passing that school year, I’d have to repeat it. My parents had decided that maybe one of the issues was that, my old school, was one of those schools that go really hard on the students, and that was not my place. So, the next year, 2018, I changed schools for the first time.

I’ve always had really bad anxiety. On the first day in the new school, you know what I did? I drew Artemis. What a surprise to nobody, but for me, this was my moment of realization, that this space lady from a fighting game, was my comfort character. This possibly canonically evil woman who wants to kill my main because of some fucked up shit he did in the past, was my comfort character. I was depressed? I drew Artemis. I was happy? I drew Artemis. I was extremely pissed off?? You guessed it! I drew Artemis! It is likely that a lot of pieces I made of her that I’ve posted online, were created from strong emotions I had while I drew it. There’s a lot that I didn’t even post either.

In 2018 I was still updating the blog, but I was also focusing a lot more on school. I was managing to get good grades, I made new friends, had new experiences, and my relationship with my family was getting better. Of course every year has its ups and downs, but overall, the important part, was finally being taken care of; I passed the school year, and then I passed again, and I passed again! I have just one more year to go, and hopefully, in 2021 I’ll be done.

Setting that aside, as the blog grew, my audience online did so too. My art improved, I’ve become, for the lack of a better word, an important member in the community. A lot of people have seen my art, and some of them probably don’t even follow me!

Today, I am a Brawlhalla Partner, I have a wonderful boyfriend, incredible friends, an amazing relationship with my family, and I am now hoping for a bright future of work ahead of me, and it was all thanks to this ask blog of a fictional character who I deeply loved. I would have never made it where I am today without Artemis, without Brawlhalla, without all of you. I could ever be thankful, and all I can give you all is more fanart of this amazing game that has completely changed my life, and with how Brawlhalla has been growing? Keep an eye on this one, it’s gonna get big.

Thank you so much everyone who has supported me over the years, and followed me more than just Artemis content. The updates on the blog have stopped because I’ve been focusing on other things. trying out new stuff and focusing on myself to become a better person and artist, creating my own stories with original characters, which I’m excited to share with all of you.

Anyway, take care, whoever read this far <3 Hopefully 2021 will be a better year for everyone.

#mod speaks

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librarycards · 3 years

Note

Hi! I've really appreciated reading your views on the education system and higher education in general, and I don't exactly have a question about that but I guess I am asking for some tips on reading dense academic text. basically I desperately want to consume this book called Authoring Autism, by Melanie Yegeau published in 2018 but it feels so inaccessible to me as someone who hasn't attended college and learned how to read shit like that. it's about neuroqueerness and neurodivergence as an---

identity presented in a queer theory framework and seems like something that would really be up my alley as a queer/trans autistic person and I guess I'm just pissed that it feels hard. do you have any tips on learning how to read academic text and actually stay interested and enjoy it while readily absorbing the knowledge therein? maybe this is a big ask and not something you really have an answer to, but I'm still curious as to your thoughts on it! thx for reading!

hey! this is a really good question, and you’re right that i don’t have one right answer for you, but i can try to give some of the advice that worked for me.

first off, on academic texts and specifically on the yergeau, which i’ve read & adore –– they’re often hard, and authoring autism is dense; this stuff is harder when you aren’t practiced in engaging these type of texts. this is actually my first recommendation –– practice! the *only* reason i feel accustomed to spending time with dense scholarly work is because i’ve done it a ton of times before and i have a plan. there are definitely different degrees of difficulty in various texts, too; you, for example, might want to start with liat ben-moshe or margaret price in terms of Mad/critical ND studies, as i think both are easier accesspoints than yergeau’s highly specific (and also largely unfamiliar to me) rhetoric studies language.

but, yeah. practice! it’s helpful on several levels to start with the seminal texts, not least because there’s also a ton of work by other people elucidating them, and often study guides and questions to help you figure out what’s going on. for example, i’m in a reading group tackling the entirety of Capital this term, which is incredibly challenging for someone (me) unfamiliar with economic theory -- luckily, there are a ton of study guides out there, lectures, videos, and more experienced people in the group to explain terms to me, and i find myself better and better able to understand Marx through all these different interlocutors. even “in my field,” like, you’d best believe i’m reading derrida with at least 3 other tabs open at any given time to cross-check and make sure i’m Getting It.

also, there’s the fact that yergeau themself is building on multiple traditions, but especially w/in queer theory –– these are way easier to get and get through quickly having built up knowledge of heavy hitters like butler, foucault, sedgwick, halberstam (who is cancelled but unfortunately still important in the field), and others. i know some professors of queer studies/gender studies have syllabi up online for intro courses, i’d check out some of those, as well as the bibliography of Authoring Autism, for an idea of who you can read with before turning back to yergeau.

reading shorter chapters, essays, and articles feels more doable in one go than a whole book, and you have a better sense early on of what an argument is going to be (check the abstract and the end of the intro for a “roadmap”). from here, it might be easier to work up to an entire work. with whole books, especially if the topic is unfamiliar, spend a lot of time with the intro, take notes on the structure and organization of the book, the methodology, the examples the author notes from the jump, the terminology they lead with -- taking notes in general is CRUCIAL imo, and having a little base of keywords and ideas to move through the rest of the chapters with is so helpful. also, the intro will have a little summary of every chapter as well as the main argument of the text, which is helpful if you feel lost anywhere in the middle. remember that most of these academic books are composites: they’re built out of dissertations and collections of papers and presentations first given separately. they’re bound for a reason, but can usually be read as standalones.

so we have practicing, chunking, and note-taking so far. i’d also go a step further with the note-taking: a helpful assignment i’ve had in the past is to write a precís, or a general summation of what a text is about, what is it doing, what arguments the author is making, etc, for a given book. these are no more than a paragraph or two. i believe in the saying that “if you can teach it, then you really know it,” and that principle also works for the precís -- if you can get a book down to its bare necessities, it means you really know what it’s doing. think after each chapter you read, could i write a precís on this? can i use 5-7 sentences to sum up what the author is doing? if it feels jumbled, go back to your notes, go back to your highlighted sections, and try again –– and remember that every time you re-read is NOT (NOT!!!!!!!!!!! EVER!!!!!!!) a sign of incompetence, but rather a dedication to the author’s work and a respect for their time and knowledge.

i really want to stress that. struggle, reengagement, rereading, changing perspective....these are very, very good things. necessary. it is completely normal and healthy to have a hard time with scholarly work, even work about one’s own experience. contrary to what a lot of people assume, just because a book is in [ x ] studies doesn’t mean [ x ] is going to understand it; this often comes as a rude awakening when people enter queer studies classes believing it to be an easy A simply because they also happen to be queer. these fields are built on decades / centuries of intellectual tradition that no one inherently Knows, any more than being part of a lineage means you know every single person in your family. what really matters here is a curiosity and dedication to take up a text day after day with the same critical, compassionate eye with which you took up the project of neuroqueer self-determination that brought you here.

lastly, relatedly (and most challengingly for me): accept that you’re never going to understand 100% of anything, ever. as a professor of mine says, give up the patriarchal, colonial desire to “master” a text, to make it submit to you its full, transparent meaning. not only is it not going to happen, but it’s a violent relationship to have with knowledge, both to yourself and your “object.” learning is a lifelong process (hence the importance of re-reading) and Authoring Autism, etc. will stick around regardless of when you’re able to tackle it and in what capacity. i definitely relate to the anger and frustration at feeling “incompetent” in the face of a difficult text, but i try to reframe it as an opportunity to learn, like i’m on a new date and listening to someone tell me about their life for the first time. i won’t get it all on the first try but if it catches my interest, i’ll stick around.

idk if any of this was helpful, and please feel free to message with any other qs, i’m really really really really passionate about ensuring scholarly work is available to those outside the academy & that everyone has the opportunity to engage with it so please consider me a resource in all regards!!

#ask #mosslibrary #ref #academia

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ohnobjyx · 4 years

Note

Hi, im wondering about recent clip of D/D/U. I guess yibo is a playful person with his friends. I saw how he teased CX and being pampered by his U/N/I/Q hyung. Im rarely interact with ant!s but due to that clip (CX) all his cp fan happy while leaving hateful comment to B/X/G. Its hurt me when they so hateful to h-o-m-o but okay to h-e-t-e-r-o. Why oh why!?!?! This is only my sharing thought. I love reading ur opinions btw. BJYXSZD!!!

Hi, fabellevixxi95! They are talking about TTXS 200719′s episode, for those who are wondering when did this ask happen (yes, I know, I do answer late).

First of all, there are a lot of CPs featuring dd with a lot of people. His old bros from UNIQ, any female with whom he interacts beyond a “hi”, DZW, etc.

(There’s a really noteworthy douyin from DZW explaining the concept of “CP” to his mother: “when you’re very good bros, people start naming your friendship as CP, (...) like the one I have with WYB”. Golden).

I really can’t judge anyone for adhering to a CP, since it’s the same thing I’m doing, but leaving hateful comments, insulting, and outright refusing to back down and apologize for their insults is not right. Be careful of those people, sometimes they aren’t even fans, but antis trying to stir up problems. Don’t engage, block and report if they’re going against the guidelines of the platform they are in.

Okay, since that part is out now, I leave my thoughts about this CP under the cut.

Disclaimer: fake fake fake.

To be honest, I looked into dd-CX CP out of curiosity, to compare a little bit. I couldn’t even find the name of the CP at first, but it was apparent soon enough as to why: they use the same bjyx initials with the “xiao” being CX’s name. However “bjyx” as a CP name has long been taken over by bxg.

I think many people prefer him being with CX (or any other female celebrity actually) because of 2 reasons:

Homophobia. It was difficult for me to realize that a lot of people are lowkey homophobic. They won’t say “ew, gays”, but they’ll say “it’s obvious he’s with a girl instead of with a man, he can’t be gay”. They are much reluctant to admit the possibility of anyone being in a relationship with a person of the same gender, though they’ll often defend themselves with something along the lines of “hey, I have many queer friends, I’m not homophobic!”

There’s a type of fan (let’s call them gf-fans) that fantasize with the possibility of being their idol’s partner. This, in gg and dd’s case, happens much more often with female fans, who then will grasp at straws to continue believing that their idol is completely straight. Thus why they’re much more willing to see a CP with a female idol (when they accept that their idol might not be single): they feel much more identified with a female than a male.

There’s also a curious phenomenon with these “girlfriend-type” of fans: imo, they’re much more open to an hetero CP because they know it’s just rumours and that it’s much more likely to be false, so that fulfills their fantasy of maybe someday meeting their idol and making them fall head over heels in love with them.

(That’s why many bxg pay a lot of attention to what mtjj outright refuse to discuss about. Like hotpot).

It has often been commented that dd’s CP with CX is one of the most “solid” ones, even though CX has said:

She and dd had collaborated twice in a couple choreographies by the time she went for the first time (prior to dd’s birthday special in 2018) to TTXS, and she said both times they hadn’t said a word to each other outside of work.

She called dd “modern monk” in his birthday special last year, and said that he lacked interest in women.

They started to get along much better when they hosted a skateboarding variety show together in 2019, most likely due to shared interests and work related issues. That had to make the CP reach its peak, because I don’t think I’ve seen a lot of these fans nowadays.

(They got comfortable enough for dd to say that she is very heavy, because he couldn’t carry her princess-style, which she didn’t appreciate at all. Trust me, no idol would have liked that).

Dd started to treat CX as a friend, so it probably made people’s eyes fall out of their sockets, because his interactions with women are scarce and very controlled. It is to the point that some fans say he must be gay because of the nature of his interactions with women.

But... I kind of understand him? People tend to forget that he grew up in South Korea, at the age when boys and girls start to interact and make friends with people of the opposite gender. The majority of the boys usually play with other boys and most of the girls play with other girls, specially in countries so conservative as China or South Korea (it’s a generalization, but it’s what happens 🤷‍♀️).

So, at the age when boys and girls start to mingle, he was in South Korea, living in an all boys dorm and studying with other male trainees (from what I know, mixed dorms are extremely hard to find even for university students), in a society where skin touch between a boy and girl with no romantic relationship is frowned upon. I’m aware that there’s a spectrum of types of couples, but even holding hands is rare for some couples there (let’s leave the sexism that still exists in those countries for another day, but they certainly have room to improve in that issue).

Moreover, dd, for all he is bold when no words are required, is quite shy. He’s coming out of his shell, but many of his interactions with women come from a time where I think it was more shyness what made him “cold” (and many people had said that he’s shy rather than cold, and dd himself says “I’m a slow starter” meaning he needs time to be familiar with other people).

That’s why, from my pov, his stilted, uncomfortable interactions with women (in the past) steems from the environment he grew up in + knowing he’s being observed all the time. There’s a video of him dropping a pen, surrounded by girls in skirts in an event, and to pick it up, he drops carefully, facing away from the girls, and keeping his eyes locked on the pen.

(I’m leaving my own speculation about their sexuality for another post, but just as a spoiler, I’m between gay and bi, leaning towards gay for some reasons).

All in all, dd is a playful person with his friends. He has every right to be however he wants. The fact that he’s comfortable enough to tease his female coworkers is just proof that he’s grown out of his awkward phase and that he has found people he likes to work with, no matter their gender.

The fact that some people take friendship as a CP is a phenomenon that will gradually dispel once he works with more women. I really don’t understand the blind RPS with no real proof (beware of fanservicing), but I’m fine if it’s the CP of their project, ofc. So I hope the fans who want him to be straight because it fits their image of him or whatever reason can just accept that he’s living for himself, not for their fantasies.

#yizhan #bjyx #cx cp #ttxs 200719

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hunnybadgerv · 3 years

Text

Memorable View | Mass Effect | Guardians in the Darkness

Summary: A relaxed stroll brings up happy memories and turns into heated exchange that sends Nyx and Kaidan rushing home for a bit of peace.

a/n: I have no idea if this was a prompt, or just popped up, but I started it back in 2018 and then just let it sit. So, I went through it a few more times to polish it up. I can’t believe I haven’t posted more about Nyx and Kaidan.

Read on AO3

Memorable View

-1-

Slow strolls through the wards became part of their ritual. In a way it could be calming. On the Citadel, you could barely tell there was a war on. At the same time, that exact fact could be immensely frustrating. Kaidan’s hand in hers managed to keep those darker thoughts at bay. He gave her a squeeze and Nyx grinned up at him.

“I love that smile,” he told her.

“Good, because it’s all yours.”

A low chuckle passed between them. His fingertips grazed the line of her jaw when he bent to brush his lips against hers. “I’m a lucky man.”

Nyx’s grin took a mischievous tilt. She poked him in the ribs. “Yes, you are.”

Using their clasped hands, he pulled her closer, only releasing her in order to drape his arm over her shoulder. His lips brushed her temple when she slipped her arms around his waist. Her eyes flitted around the space, taking note of the location. It was a force of habit, her life made her threat assess every place she walked into, every person she met. Even in the arms of her lover, it was something she struggled to turn off completely.

“We’ve been here before,” she said, loosening her grip around his middle. Her hand reached up to take hold of his, which dangled over her shoulder and she pulled him toward the lookout point. “Remember?” she asked, glancing back at him as her pace quickened toward the railing.

Nyx Shepard sighed through her nose. The flutter in her chest reminiscent of that day that seemed like so many lifetimes ago brought a tender smile to her lips. The warmth of Kaidan against her back stood in stark contrast to the cold metal beneath her palms.

“Big place,” Kaidan whispered against the shell of her ear. His lips pressed against it softly.

“You do remember.” She released the balustrade, trading chilled metal for the hand slipping around her middle. Encouraging his grasp on her to tighten as she curved herself against his chest.

“How could I possibly forget?” His laughter curled around her, vibrating through his body into hers. “It was the most embarrassing moment of my career up to that point.”

Their laughter increased as they held one another close, staring out at the vast expanse of the Citadel’s arms. “It hit me like a truck,” she breathed as she leaned completely against him, wholly faithful that he’d hold her steady in any storm.

“How?” he laughed. “You knew I was interested in you that first night before we even put out.”

“I know. I just figured maybe the uniform would turn it off,” she admitted, studying the massive space station around them. It was shocking how similar those two moments seemed in her mind.

“Didn’t work for you,” he teased, resting his cheek on her head.

“No. I guess I just hoped your willpower was better than mine was turning out to be at the time.”

Kaidan chuckled again. “Clearly, not.” He pressed a kiss into her hair, shaking his head just a little. “You were so calm about it though. Just—” his body tensed, his voice taking on that note of command “—lock it down, Marine.”

Nyx turned in his arms; the movement bringing his gaze to meet hers. “Actually,” she said, emphasizing the word by pressing her hands up the muscled plane of his chest, “I said I appreciated the thought. And I did. I still do,” she told him, her fingers tracing along the sides of his neck.

“Well, I still think the Council is lucky as hell to have you as a Spectre.”

“Luckier now that they have you, too.” Nyx inched closer, her voice softening.

Kaidan mirrored her, closing the distance with a measured pace of his own. “Not sure I could ever fill your shoes.”

“You don’t have to. You’re making your own mark.”

The tip of his nose brushed against hers when his head tipped. “Just glad I can do it by your side again.”

“So am I, Kaidan.” Her gaze flitted over his face, as if she could memorize every detail. “I love you. Never stopped,” she admitted.

“I know. Me too, Nyx,” he said, the words rushing past his lips before they met hers.

Their arms tightened, as if physics might somehow bend around them and allow them to force every molecule of anything from between them. The kiss, which started gentle, quickly threatened to consume them both. His hips pressed hers against the railing, his body curving over her as they refused to let the kiss break.

In the beginning of their relationship, they moved with the caution of the unintiated. They foolishly believed there would be time later to show the other how they felt, how much that person meant, how they esteemed and respected them. Compartively, now, at the tip of the spear, they didn’t waste time. Didn’t hold off for later what could be done and said in the moment, because better than anyone they both knew the truth of the adage that tomorrow was promised to no one.

A gasp drew them apart, though not too far. Between panting breaths, his lips brushed hers.

“Let’s go back to the apartment,” Nyx mumbled, her fingers twining in his hair. Heading off any possible argument at the pass, she added, “We still have time.”

“Yeah, let’s.” His eyes darted from side to side without his forehead even leaving it’s resting place against hers. With a resigned sigh, he kissed her once more, harder than the sweet pecks he’d been tasting her with while he contemplated a plan. Not more than a moment later, with one arm still around her waist, he guided her toward the taxi call.

Nyx stretched on her toes to plant tender, wet kisses along his neck while he tapped out the request on the console. She used her grip on him to gain her a bit of extra leverage when it was needed.

As the console’s AI voice chimed, “Transaction confirmed. Your car will arrive in two minutes,” Nyx nipped at his adam’s apple.

“A lifetime,” he muttered. He pushed his hands through her hair, prying her from his neck for their mouths to meet once more. Her lips parted in response to his open mouth. His tongue plunging against hers when they met once more. His fingers tangled in her hair, cradling her close, as if to keep her from escaping. But that was the farthest thing from Nyx’s mind.

“Humans,” a gruff voiced scoffed in passing, but neither paid the comment any mind. At that moment, they had the only thing each of them needed. The chiming of the console barely more than a minute later proved more successful in distracting them from one another.

-2-

“No driver,” Nyx observed, flashing Kaidan a cheeky smile over her shoulder as she climbed into the backseat. She patted the seat next to her with a lift of her brow. But it was the way she bit her bottom lip that sent Kaidan’s mind into a frenzy. Every fiber in him wanted to snatch that lip from between her teeth and suck it into his mouth where he could nibble at it himself.

Damnit, he thought sliding into the offered spot. The door barely closed before she scooted closer, but he wouldn’t want her anywhere else. His hand covered her cheek and he got his wish. She freed her lip, just in time for him to capture it. Her hand fisted in his shirt, letting his teeth nip at her plump bottom lip before he let go only to capture her entire mouth.

Her leg draped over one of his, and his hand moved over the muscular curve of it to her rear. With one arm around her waist and his other hand grasping her ass, he tugged her onto his lap; her legs tucked on either side of his thighs. The weight of her against him felt vital—it anchored him there in that time and place. The shift of her hips against his broke their kiss with a moan on both their parts. For a moment, Kaidan wondered what he’d been thinking pulling her into his lap. When his teeth, found purchase in the thin skin of her neck, wrenching another sigh from her lips, he remembered—leverage.

His hands skimmed her ribs as he alternated wet kisses and sharp bites toward the neckline of her blouse. Her heavy breathing echoed in his ears, along with his own racing pulse. He pulled a button loose when his chin rested in a makeshift net of fabric, exposing more of her decadent skin to his ravenous explorations.

Nyx’s hand caught his, when he moved to undo a second. “We’re not that far from home, Kaidan.”

“Far enough,” he teased, tipping his hips up against her as his other hand kept her from rising beyond the temptation of feeling him against her.

“Damnit, Kaidan.”

Her hands tipped his chin upward; her lips met his hard. His hand moved from her buttons to cover her breast, squeezing it in his palm as he let her control the kiss. Kaidan encouraged the movement of her hips, the hand still on her ass tightening with each rock of her body against his. He welcomed every thrust of her tongue into his mouth. With greed, he swallowed the moan that escaped her when he rolled her nipple between his fingers.

Their destination might not be far enough for them to have sex, but it didn’t mean that he couldn’t get her close. He popped another button loose on her blouse, his hand ducking into it to hook a finger on the lace of her bra. Breaking the kiss, his attention shifted on a dime as he dragged his tongue over her newly bared skin. His amber eyes turned up toward hers as he flicked the tip of his tongue at her pert nipple. The soft chuckle in her throat shuddered. Her head fell back with a gasp, when his mouth wrapped around it.

Kaidan hummed in approval when her hands fisted in his hair. She held him fast, like her survival depended on the way he teased her breast. Desire spurred the way her hips worked against his, her body teasing against his straining cock. He wanted to feel her against him, skin to skin. Wanted to strip them both bare and worship every inch of her before anything pulled them out of this bubble of stolen normalcy and lust.

That would require patience. Sure, he possessed it, but employing the will to enact it was a different story entirely. Leading with his tongue, he traversed the swell of her body to the valley between her breasts. The hand on her rear gave her another encouraging squeeze, prompting her hips into another languid roll that left him groaning against her dewy skin.

“Kaidan,” she whimpered.

His eyes flicked up to meet her gaze. He loved the sight of sex on her—lips swollen from his kisses and her own teeth tugging at them, parted just so in an effort to entice his tongue to push past and steal the breath right out of her lungs. Her hands loosened in his hair, but he didn’t make the dive, not yet. His hands changed places, one rising to pull her blouse to the other side as the fabric teased toward and caught on the nipple he’d already teased hard. Another begged for his attention.

Sharp, white teeth puckered her rosy and plump bottom lip once more with the shift of her clothing. He dragged his tongue along the lacy edge of her bra. His fingers skimmed her ribs, inching closer to his goal. Kaidan’s amber gaze focused on her, unwavering, as he tugged the fabric beneath her other breast. He stared at her when he slowly shook his head, letting his lips barely brush over the sensitive peak before him.

Her breath shook; her attention as rapt on him as his was upon her. His tongue darted out to flick the nub and she cried out. He did it once more, the reaction not nearly as marked. So, he dragged the flat of his tongue over her skin to the tune of her languid moan. Greediness motivated his attentions, the need for her pleasure, to hear her let go of everything except what they shared.

“Approaching Destination. Thank you for choosing Citadel United AirCar Services. Enjoy the rest of your visit. Locally, you can find fine restaurants, gaming establishments, and popular entertainment venues, including the Armax Arsenal Arena, where the best in the galaxy pit themselves against some of the Milky Way’s most challenging forces,” the automated voice stated. The electronic voice cut through the sound of their heavy breathing, but did nothing to deter Kaidan from his task.

Shepard, however, must have maintained far more self control than Alenko would have liked to allow. Her fingers tightened in his hair once more, but this time her movements were more demanding than enticing. She tugged; he hissed and her nipple fell from his mouth as he stared up at her. “We’re almost there.”

“Almost being the key word,” he replied, pinching her moist skin.

“So bad.”

“Only when you’re involved.”

“Likely story.”

“Fact,” he argued, lunging toward her.

With a bright peel of laughter, Nyx sat back on his lap. Her hands tightened in his hair for a flash, before releasing their hold and carding through the strands. She attempted to smooth it back into place as best she could. Kaidan proved far less cooperative, letting his hands tease over the bare skin she’d yanked his mouth away from moments earlier. Every time her breath caught, he grinned; until she batted his hand away and righted her lingerie. She leaned forward and kissed him. When it broke, just as their taxi slowed and maneuvered to drop them just outside the apartment building, her buttons were refastened; though her appearance remained a bit disheveled once she slipped off his lap.

-3-

The door opened onto the bright neon of the Silversun Strip. This part of the Citadel buzzed with life and activity no matter the hour. Nyx hurried out of the vehicle and held her hand out for Kaidan’s, which grasped hers tightly in reply. Just that chaste touch kept her pulse racing. Of course, it didn’t help that he left her nipples aching, and now pressed against the lace of her bra they screamed for the warmth of his mouth and smooth touch of his palms. Every inch of her skin seemed to crave his attention, she buzzed with anticipation—for a private moment in the elevator ride, for the quietude of the apartment where they would both be able to toss all sense of caution to the wind and drown in one another.

Nyx felt her mouth turn downward when they neared the elevator bank to find a quartet of people also waiting for the lift. Kaidan stopped behind her, the firmness of his chest against her back made her shiver.

“A shame,” he mumbled against the shell of her ear.

A smile curled her lips and she turned. Slipping her hand behind his neck, she pulled his ear toward her and he allowed it. “Lucky you. I had retaliation in mind.”

Kaidan pulled back, grinning at her. “We could always wait for the next one.”

“Or we could take this one and I can get your clothes off sooner.”

“Roger that. I like that plan better.”

When it arrived, Kaidan slipped into the rear of the lift car; Nyx pressed their floor on her way to join him. She stopped in front of him. Her hand nearest the wall left the railing when the car started to move. Then she leaned against him, Nyx took a chance at retaliation. His whole body stiffened when her fingertips grazed his inner thigh.

Her teeth clamped down on her lips to suppress her laughter when he inched backward. A thud resounded as his heel bumped the kick plate, signaling the limits to his escape.

“Nyx,” he whispered into her hair, as if the warning might detour the upward track of her hand.

Certainly, he could have grabbed her wrist before she pressed her palm against the length of him. He covered the rumble in his throat with a cough, and her grin widened. Kaidan’s thick hand clamped down on her hip and pulled her against his chest. It didn’t keep her from teasing him, but then he knew her weaknesses as well as she knew the touches that would drive him insane.

“Payback.” The lazily drawn out syllables of his taunt rumbled down her spine.

When the elevator made its first stop, she leaned back and looked up at him. “Bring it, major.”

He clasped her chin and pressed a hungry kiss to her lips in a fervent answer to her challenge. Thankfully, the elevator didn’t empty before they reached their floor, or Kaidan might have just hacked the car and trapped them there intentionally. She slipped her hand into his and pulled her lover in her wake, not that he needed any further encouragement to stay on her heels.

The apartment door opened with a quiet swish and Kaidan’s arms wrapped around her almost instantly. He growled low into her hair, before he bared her neck and bit her at the junction of her shoulder.

“You know you started it,” Nyx said with a hiss. She turned and draped her arms around his shoulders.

Kaidan hummed against her lips, sealing their mouths in another deep kiss. “I’m going to finish it, too,” he promised.

“Then stop talking about it,” she said, laying her hands on his chest and pushing his back against the stone wall just inside the entrance. She held his heated gaze, fingers moving quickly to loosen his belt. “And do it.” With that challenge, she inched his waistband down.

A moment of indecision on his part gave her all the advantage she needed. Uncovering his stomach, she dotted kisses across the topography she knew well as she sank to her knees before him. He pushed her hair away from her face staring down at her. When her lips parted, so did his. The flick of her tongue against him curled his mouth into a smirk.

“Beautiful and devious,” he started, the final S fading into a quiet hiss as the flat of her tongue traced his length from base to tip. “This,” he said, swallowing when she guided him into her mouth, “is not quite what I had in mind.”

She didn’t give him an answer, at least not a verbal one. No, she limited her response to gentle sucks, dexterous licks, and the restrained use of teeth. It earned her a bevy of low and delicious moans that only spurred her along and prompted gentle hums that she knew drove him wild. Kaidan didn’t take his eyes off her, couldn’t; it was part of the thrill, how much he enjoyed watching her, watching them. From the subtle shift of his hips, which he strained to control, to the way his fingers threaded through her hair, tightening when her creative tongue or adroit fingers found just the right combination of touches, she could sense him inching closer. She waited for him to decide if she’d finish him there and then or if he’d pull her free.

A hint of saltiness hit her tongue, and she shifted, squeezing her thighs together tighter. One palm pressed up his body, slipping beneath his shirt along the slope of his chest. His shoulders pushed into the wall, his hips pressed toward her, deeper into her mouth. Her other hand moved along his shaft as her lips teased at the tip of him.

“Nyx,” he groaned at her.

Her thumb hooked in the hem of his shirt, bearing his chest, or at least as much as she could without stopping. Her decision made in the greedy echo of her name. His voice carried a telltale hint of desperation, even though she knew it for the polite warning it was. He always warned her when she went down on him. No matter how many times she dropped to her knees for him, no matter how many times she let him come in her mouth he still told her that the pleasure rose in him, still gave her the chance to detour her course.

Her tongue swirled the sensitive crown with a hum in her throat. It clung there like a question. Inquiring, as if he had more to say than just her name. It wasn’t the real purpose of the sound, however. She knew Kaidan, knew what he liked, knew what drove him past the edge, like the vibration now surrounding through him.

That electric warm amber gaze stoked a flame within her. With a fist tightening in her blond hair, his eyes finally slipped shut. His head pressed back against the stone wall, his hips jutting forward and bucking into her mouth. She welcomed it, the weight of him on her tongue, the pulse of him between her lips, the musky flavor that coated her tongue and throat as he came. Swallowing, she watched him, watched his climax shift through the tight muscles of his abs and ripple further. His chin fell and his heady, inviting gaze met hers once more with a smirk.

“I need to taste you,” he admitted, his tongue flicking across his lips.

Raising one knee, Nyx pushed herself to her feet, her body skimming his. “How about tasting you?” she asked, the tip of her tongue brushing his lips as he loomed over her.

His tongue dove past her lips in reply. Her arms fell comfortably around Kaidan’s shoulders, while his closed around her body. When he lifted her off her feet, her legs circled his waist, ankles hooking behind his back.

The toe of his boot resounded off the frame of the sofa when he located it, then he set her on the edge of it. Still, the kiss did not break. Her legs loosened, draping on either side of him, while his hands moved from her ass to the fly of her jeans. He wasted no more time. Nor did she, once their lips separated. She pulled up each foot in turn, shedding her boots to facilitate the removal of the clothing he quickly unfastened. Kaidan straightened, pulling the soft blue t-shirt over his head and letting it fall.

Staring at the way his arms flexed, Nyx traced her fingers over his skin until he jostled her in his effort to disrobe her. She tried to balance on the back of the sofa, but the manhandling dropped her over the edge when he yanked the pants along the length of her legs, lifting them both straight into the air to accomplish their removal completely. Laughter bubbled up from her, but her blue eyes didn’t leave his face once the brush of denim left her skin. Bending her knees together, she rested her bare feet against his stomach as she laid across the sofa cushions at an odd, upside-down incline. His warm, calloused hands rested on her knees, shifting them so that her feet found purchase against the cool leather. It was a progression of motion she couldn’t strip her gaze from.

With a gentle press, he separated her knees, baring her core to his ravenous gaze. “Kaidan,” she breathed a tingle alighting over her flesh. He hadn’t even touched her, but the way he stared at her, every inch of her, she could imagine the ghosts of so many enticing touches he’d lavished upon her. “Please,” she gasped without really knowing what she wanted most.

Soft kisses landed on her knees as his fingertips skimmed over her skin in an ethereal manner. In sex, he moved like he did in the field with deliberation and consideration. With precise kisses and measured bites, he inched toward her overheated core.

Her breath shook in her body, when he finally dragged a single fingertip over her labia. It went right to his lips, his tongue flicking against it as she stared. His other hand tightened on the inside of her thigh. “So wet,” he breathed, the exhale coasting across her body with a chill

“You have that affect on me,” she admitted. “And you’re so damn gorgeous when you climax.”

His hum rose, dark and tempting, as his fingertip traced the same line once more. She could feel the easy way it glided against her, inching deeper with each pass and plucking at her hooded clit before retreating to trace a circle of temptation around her entrance. The pace of it was maddening, but the traces of Nyx’s conscious attention mainly focused on keeping herself from sliding into the floor rather than finding a retaliatory way to tease. She grasped the cushions tightly to anchor her body under his attention.

Breath catching in her throat, she didn’t dare blink when he leaned closer. His fingers opened her, exposing her clit to his consideration. The flick of his tongue against her created a shudder of surprise in her body, despite her anticipation of just that motion. When his lips wrapped around the excited nub, a breathy moan escaped her. Her head fell back, savoring his attentions, including the way his finger still teased through her folds as his tonge teased her clit. One foot shifted and she pushed it down his back.

Rather than trying to take retribution or exact some kind of control over it, Nyx basked in it, in his attention. From the tip of his tongue and the heat of his mouth to the firm push of his fingers into her and the way he hooked them against that rough spot inside her. Kaidan played her body toward an explosive crescendo. She writhed, face going bright red from the combination of excitement and the effects of gravity. Then he pulled away just before she reached the pinnacle. His hands moved over her legs, toward her knees then back toward her pussy, which he bypassed to trail up her stomach.

“Kaidan,” she gasped at him, surprise and inquiry warping her voice as well as her countenance.

“Not yet,” he told her wearing a smirk as he fisted his hands in tails of her blouse. “Close your eyes.”

It took more than a beat, but she complied. The movement of his hands jostled her as a chorus of tiny buttons thudded off soft surfaces and bounced across harder ones. Then he knocked her feet over the edge of the sofa, leaving her in a giggling heap.

After righting herself, she peeled off her destroyed blouse, and unclasped her bra, tossing it aside as well. All the while Kaidan achieved his own nudity. Then he hopped over the back of the sofa, and landed near her on his knees. One hand grasped her ankle and dragged her toward him, her bottom squeaking across the leather in a way that dissolved them both into giggles. His smile still brightening his eyes when he leaned over her; his body covered hers.

With one hand between them, he drew the tip of himself through her folds to tease and inflame her skin once more. “It’s not polite to tease. I thought politeness was the Canadian claim to fame.”

“Oh, well, I’d hate to defame every one of my countrymen,” he chided against her lips. As he pressed a kiss to her mouth, his hips thrust flush against hers, filling her in a single stroke.

She gasped into his mouth, but he refused to let the kiss break. Her leg draped over his hip as he tilted into her again, another sharp stroke that earned an incoherent chirp. He swallowed every single sound that escaped her lips as their bodies found a fervent rhythm. It finally broke when he shifted. Staring down at her, he perched himself on one knee between her legs; his other foot falling to the floor for more leverage.

Kaidan gripped her thighs. Nyx, however, couldn’t take her eyes off him—the roll of his body, the movement of the muscles under his glistening skin. “So hot,” she muttered, popping her hips to meet his with the same kind of fervor she might have used if she’d been straddling his lap.

“I know,” he agreed. Judging by the growl in his voice and focus of his gaze moving over her bare skin, she doubted they were talking about the same thing. Not that it mattered.

Relentless, he didn’t let up, but then neither did she. With his body out of reach, her hands teased across her own skin, caressing her breasts and pinching her nipples as he made her moan. They wanted the same thing. His hand slipped between them before he covered her body with his again. The heat of his skin as much as the pluck of his fingers against her clit sent her head spinning. She pulled his lips to hers, burying her hands in his hair as her tongue slipped into his mouth.

Her moan deepened with the crackle against her skin. He echoed it, a similar sound reverberating deep in his chest. “Yes,” she muttered against his neck with every snap of his hips. She could feel it in his body as well, in the rapacious rhythm and the way he swelled inside her. His teeth tugged at her bottom lip, her nails digging into his back and his neck, as every muscle in her body tensed in an instant of pause before she shattered around him.

“Fuck, Nyx,” he groaned against her mouth when she cried out. Her lips covered his; she swallowed every grunt of his finish, holding his face in her hands as he filled her.

Her heart jackhammered against her ribs, when he collapsed atop her, held up only partially by the elbow he got in place just in time. She could feel his heart beating a powerful staccato within his own chest as their kiss deepened. Kaidan took it over once more, his tongue gliding against hers, deep into her mouth as if claiming her as his own; Nyx only opened herself wider to it, to him. With every passing day, she loved him more; and while she didn’t know where the future might lead, she knew one thing. They had one another. Here, now, and for all the tomorrows she could claw from the grip of fate and the Reapers.

Read on AO3

#Mass Effect Fanfiction #Memorable View #Shenko #Kaidan Alenko #Nyx Shepard #Guardians in the Darkness #Fluff #Smut #Romantic Walks in the Citadel #Reminiscing

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the-con-she-called-conscience · 3 years

Text

Thank you for tagging me, @tuliharja! Your responses were absolute pleasure to read <3

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

Ans. I've a brilliant relationship with my mother, and my father wants to kill me, so that's that.

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

Ans. My grandmother.

03: Do you regret anything?

Ans. Yes, horribly.

04: Are you insecure?

Ans. Somedays I am, somedays I'm not. Just like everyone else.

05: What is your relationship status?

Ans. I'm single and sometimes sleep deprived.

06: How do you want to die?

Ans. You know, I've experienced a lot of things that should have killed me, but I really said no♥️.

Okay, this one is going to be long, because I feel the need to overshare. In 2018, a person I know and his friends played a ""harmless"" prank on me , and I ended up drowning quite deep. You know those dramatic movies where everything looks slow-mo? Yeah, that's how it felt like. Anyhow, I got out somehow and a kind stranger pulled me up so I was pretty away from water. I always found that prank weird because they took away everyone including life guards, distracted my buddy, barricaded all the shallow areas, but maybe it was simply harmless.

I didn't swim since then, and I was planning to get over my fear this year, but well, 2020 happened.

But having experienced that, when I die of age 2357754367 years, I'd like to die by drowning. I really really do.

If not, an assassination will do. Just make sure it's for a good cause.

07: What did you last eat?

Ans. Gouda.

08: Played any sports?

Ans. Yes, basketball and tennis, mostly. Sometimes, shooting.

09: Do you bite your nails?

Ans. Well no but actually yes.

10: When was your last physical fight?

Ans. I don't remember. I'm more of a pacifist.

11: Do you like someone?

Ans. Do fictional people count?

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

Ans. Yes, unfortunately. Never again.

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

Ans. Hate is a pretty strong word, so I'll pass.

14: Do you miss someone?

Ans. Yes, terribly.

15: Have any pets?

Ans. I used to have two chicks, and my grandmother, till recently, had two Labradors.

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

Ans. Melancholic.

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

Ans. Yuck. Never have, never will.

18: Are you scared of spiders?

Ans. Absolutely not. I think they're adorable.

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

Ans. I've been reading too many isekai manga, so yes.

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

Ans. I've never kissed anyone in that sense of the word.

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

Ans. Give tests, study, and organize a bit.

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

Ans. I'm an ace. But when I actually have the financial income for it, I'll like to foster some kids, get them great degrees, and send them an emergency fund. I feel as if not many people are talking about the things foster kids face, especially teens and once they age out of the system. I'll pull an evil scientist and clone myself, if a need for someone young with my gene arises.

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

Ans. My ears were pierced traditionally.

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

Ans. Biology, Chemistry, Physics, History, Politics, Economics, Geography, Statistics and Languages.

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

Ans. Yes.

26: What are you craving right now?

Ans. Something I cannot name, for I don't know. Probably water.

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

Ans. No, none that I know of, and definitely not on purpose.

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

Ans. As I said, mich Asexual. I've not been in a romantic relationship.

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

Ans. See above.

30: What’s irritating you right now?

Ans. These extremely important exams that are coming in few months.

31: Does somebody love you?

Ans. Yes, and it baffles me so.

32: What is your favourite color?

Ans. Blood Red and Prussian Blue.

33: Do you have trust issues?

Ans. Maybe. Not extremely, but just a bit. Harmless enough to not need intervention.

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

Ans. Well, yesterday I had a dream that my favourite characters were there and I was loved, and day before yesterday (Ereyesterday, if you will) I was getting chased by two murderous, ghostly, serial killing cows. They got me in the end, I think.

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

Ans. I don't cry in front of people. I cry alone.

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

Ans. Unfortunately, yes.

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

Ans. Mostly, it is easier to forgive. But that's not an absolute answer or argument.

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

Ans. Well, the fate of this year depends on those super-important exams.

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

Ans. I've been kissed before I could even walk, I think. If you are thinking in the other sense of the word: well, I've never been kissed that way.

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

Ans. Once, into the ocean. I was six.

51: Favourite food?

Ans. Tomatoes and Bell peppers. Shakshuka, Kuleybyaka, Thukpa, pickles—you name it. I guess anything traditional/homemade. Anything really, I love food.

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

Ans. Yes, it does.

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

Ans. I prayed.

54: Is cheating ever okay?

Ans. No, it isn't.

55: Are you mean?

Ans. Nope. Not until you hurt people.

56: How many people have you fist fought?

Ans. As in, actually fought and not practiced, yes? Around six, all in self defense.

57: Do you believe in true love?

Ans. Yes, but not in the way it is portrayed.

58: Favourite weather?

Ans. Cold, with loads of sunlight, Snowing or Thunderstorms—I love the rain.

59: Do you like the snow?

Ans. Yes!

60: Do you wanna get married?

Ans. No♥️

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

Ans. No, it activates my fight-or-flight.

62: What makes you happy?

Ans. Stars, books, people being happy, the way you see a stranger's day getting better, winning/accomplishments/success, stationary, hugs, libraries, zoos—it doesn't take much, really.

63: Would you change your name?

Ans. I might. Not change it, but add more names to it.

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

Ans. Nope, it was my mother. Not hard at all.

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Ans. Tell them, as lovingly and kindly as I can, that I do not like them that way, that I'm not looking for a relationship, and that I'd rather be friends. Also tell them that I'll be the world's coolest winggirl ever, so....

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

Ans. Yes.

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

Ans. It was a classmate.

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Ans. A family member.

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

Ans. Yes, but I don't believe anyone is "perfect" for you. You've got to work on your relationships, no matter what kind they are. Also, soulmates are not necessarily only one, and not necessarily romantic, or so I hope.

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

Ans. Yes, many. Without second thoughts or regrets.

Tagging: @biganimeaesthetictree @somethingpretentious @chaoticneutralcinnamonroll @microwavedsaladisevil @notyouraveragejulie @screechingnightchild @grace-k-sterling @oscarwildeismyidol @porcupinesauce

#death tw #accidental drowning tw #murder tw #ask to tag.

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