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reiding-writing · 4 months

Note

could i please request spencer reid comforting reader whos been picking at her lips? Like idk maybe he brings around chapstick for her smth. Tysm!

dermatillomania [ s.r ]

Summary:

Spencer doesn’t want you to hurt yourself. Even unintentionally. So a lot little bit of research later he’s ready to confront you about it.

WARNINGS: dermatillomania (impulsive picking at the skin), mentions of very minor self induced harm, sharing germs??? spencer would be deterred by that i’m sure, well maybe not in this case

pairing: spencer reid x gn!reader

genre: pretty much straight fluff

wc: 1.5k

masterlist!!

a/n: this marks the my final fic of 2023, currently uploading at 10 past 11 pm so like less than an hour until 2024 (yay??)

i love writing for reid because it allows me to satisfy that nerdy part of my brain that endlessly thirsts for knowledge

Everyone had subconscious habits.

Yours just happened to be more physically harming than some.

You found comfort in the monotonous repetition of peeling away the layers of skin covering your lips, whether it be with your fingernails or your teeth.

It would often leave your skin red and raw, sometimes to the point where they cracked or bled.

It wasn’t usually too bad, but during times where you were over-stressed and under pressure, the small habit of yours became more of a staple of your personality.

You sigh softly as you sit at your desk, head resting in your hands as your eyes pour over the file in front of you.

Paperwork wasn’t exactly stressful when you compare it to the rest of your job, but after the week you’d just returned from it was clear that you needed a break.

Spencer glances up at you from his own desk opposite you, a small frown present on his face.

“Stop that,” His tone is soft and unchastising.

"Hm?" Your eyes flicker upwards towards his, your eyebrows knitted into a small line of clear confusion.

“Your lips. You’re going to scar yourself if you keep pulling at them like that.” Spencer’s words come out even softer than before, a small look of worry in his eyes.

"Oh-"

You pull you hands down from your face, the thumb and forefinger of your left hand that had been tugging at the cracked skin of your lower lip now tucked securely in your right as you clasp them together in your lap in fumbled embarrassment. "Sorry.."

Spencer sighs softly, and takes a brief moment to observe you. The corners of his mouth twitch downwards into a slight frown.“Don’t apologize. I just… I’d hate for you to have permanent scarring.”

You hum softly in response to his caring nature, not meeting his eyes anymore out of the small amount of shame that trickles into the back of your mind, and your tongue runs smoothly over the raw skin on your lip in an attempt at soothing the sting. "Yeah.. thanks,"

Spencer looks away for a few seconds, thinking about your actions. After a beat, he leans over his desk slightly to grab a tube of chapstick from his desk drawer and holds it out to you over the small metal hatched wall of separation between your two desks.

It’s dark blue with no writing or labelling of any kind on it and has very clearly been previously opened.

“Take care of your lips, okay? They’re very important for human expression, phonation, and sensation.”

And to be able to kiss people with.

You hesitate to take the tube from him at first, not because he’d used it, but because it was his, and you knew how much he hated sharing his personal belongings for fear of germ contamination.

“Are you- sure you want to give me this? I can go and get one after work-“ You take the tube from his hand carefully, as though it might explode if you grip it too tightly.

Spencer is slightly relieved to see you take the chapstick, and smiles brightly at you before shaking his head. “It’s fine. You clearly need some form of relief, and I doubt you want to be waiting another six hours.”

He pauses, before adding, “I’d like you to keep it. It’s pure white petroleum, it should solve any soreness or dryness in no time,”

"Thank you.." You give Spencer a grateful smile as you remove the cap and twist the bottom of the tube to extend the chapstick upwards.

You choose not to acknowledge the small dip in the balm from where Spencer had used it on his own lips in the past, fearing the inevitable flush of your cheeks if you thought about the way you were indirectly touching your lips to his for too long.

"I’m- not sure why i can’t just stop, but.. yeah- thanks.." Your half-assed explanation is more of a way for you to distract yourself from your impending emotional implosion rather than a genuine want to explain yourself.

Spencer watches you apply the chapstick, nodding once as he does. “I have some advice on how to stop, if you’d like to hear it.”

You re-cap the tube of chapstick and place it next to the pencil holder on your desk for easy later access, exhaling softly through your nose as your mouth bends into a soft smile. "Alright, have at me,"

“First things first, you should try and figure out what’s causing you to want to peel at your skin.” Spencer dives into full explanation mode once you give him the chair. “Everything has a trigger, and figuring out what yours is is the first step to stopping it,”

You give a understanding nod to Spencer’s suggestion, your mind beginning to scrub your brain for and reasons why you might have the insatiable urge to pull the skin off your lips like you would the meat from a turkey.

“You should also redirect the behaviour. When feeling the urge or the subconscious action towards picking at your skin you should instead reapply a layer of chapstick to your lips instead,” Spencer gestures towards the tube on your desk, just barely visible from his point of view past your pencil holder.

“People with dermatillomania often times don’t realise that they’re engaging in the behaviour, so having somebody who is aware of the situation to redirect your attention is also a good idea.”

He’s obviously referring to himself in this moment, indirectly telling you that he’s willing to be stuck to you like a piece of gum under a shoe until you fully manage to break your habit.

"dermatillomania?" You blink your eyes blankly at him at the unnecessarily complicated term you’d never heard of that Spencer had casually thrown into his sentence.

“It’s the term for excessive skin-picking that causes damage or scarring. That’s what you were doing to your lips just now.” Spencer nods nonchalantly at you like it was common knowledge.

“Oh-“

You can’t say you’re surprised that there’s a term for what you’re experiencing.

You also can’t say that you’re surprised that Spencer knows what it’s called.

Spencer feels the need to explain himself upon your confusion and surprise at the revelation that what you were doing had a proper medical diagnosis.

“I’ve observed you for a while now, and noticed you often picking at your lips.. So I did some research and came across dermatillomania.” There is a tiny bit of embarrassment in his tone.

"You- looked it up for me?"

Spencer Reid had gone out of his way to research something that gave him no personal benefit solely for your wellbeing.

You swear you could melt.

You probably look like you do, physically feeling the pink rise to your cheeks as they heat up in flustered gratitude.

Spencer’s cheeks mirror your own in their soft pink hue, slightly embarrassed to have outed himself to going out of his way to research something on your behalf.

“I did, yes.” He pauses. “I just… well, I didn’t want you to unintentionally do any damage to yourself.”

You let out a soft exhale that could almost constitute as a laugh, pressing your lips together to prevent a smile from breaking out on your face. “Thank you Spencer.. That’s really sweet,”

Spencer nods, diverting his eyes from yours and leaning back in his desk chair to try and look as casual as possible. “Don’t worry about it. I’ve researched countless topics to help the team, this was just one of them.”

It wasn’t exactly a lie. But he wasn’t going to tell you that instead of the usual half an hour he would spend learning about something for one of his team mates he’d instead read every single publicly available medical journal on dermatillomania he could possibly find.

He turns his face back down to his work as you do the same, pushing his desk drawer closed now that nothing inside it was any longer needed.

His eyes fixed on the blue tube that rolled to his the front of the drawer as he pushed it closed.

It was identical to the one he had given you in every way.

Except for the fact that the one in his drawer was still brand new.

But you didn’t need to know that.

#criminal minds #spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #criminal minds x reader #mgg #spencer reid fluff #criminal minds fluff #asks 🫶

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xr0tt3nxfl3shx · 4 months

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The Morality of Mr.Plant and How It Potentially Ties Into Autism Coding

TW:DEATH/HORROR STUFF if youve seen twomp yk whats up

character analysis/I'm not gonna put any more effort into this i just needed to dump my thoughts somewhere, sorry if i sucks a little

The reasoning behind his kills says a lot, and from what I've gathered there have only ever been two.

1. Out of annoyance but specifically IMPULSE spurred by annoyance

2. As an act of justice/out of empathy

Anger Issues

Getting into the first reason, it is important to realize it is only ever impulse AND annoyance combined, as demonstrated during plargos pre-relationship dynamic, Mr. Plant experienced a similar annoyance with Argos that he does with all his murder victims and yet Argos lived. This is because he doesn't kill the people who just annoy him, he kills the people who get annoying enough that the impulses win and Argos never pushed him far enough.

The fact that he never plans any of his kills plays into this idea as well. He does not seek violence even once in the series. At most he fantasizes in moments of annoyance[in the pilot with Argos], he gets the impulse.

What the first and main reason behind Mr. Plants kills says is that Mr. Plant doesn't seek violence, he doesn't enjoy it, it just happens.

Empathy

The second reason behind his murders brings a lot more to light morally speaking.

Mr. Plant kills the adoptive parents when he sees what they did to their last child. This is clear cut, he killed them in an act of justice for what they did to the monster child, in fact it was somewhat implied he did not only kill them but tortured them first which is a something hes never shown to do in the series.

A less extreme example is the tomato man that he turns into soup. This further demonstrates that he has a distinction from right and wrong as he resists his initial violent impulse because "the man was just doing his job after all." Only to change his mind when the tomato says something that pushes him past that limit.

This means that he is capable of experiencing empathy.

This would seemingly make Mr. Plant an enigma given that he's murdered plant children without any empathically himself. But I believe it just means his situation is more complicated than what meets the eye, so here's how all of this ties into Mr. Plant as a character.

Title this segment later(fuck it nvm)

To sum up all of what I've just explained, Mr. Plant isn't sadistic, predatory in his violence. And Mr. Plant, despite doing unjust things and lacking empathy towards his victims, does have a moral compass or sense of justice, and does have empathy at least sometimes.

On the contrary he also treats entities as disposable, when they annoy him too much he ends them and he doesn't feel bad about it, even stating in an episode "He hadn't even hurt anyone, or at least anyone important."

This is where I introduce my theory, that being said I believe (intentionally or not) Mr. Plant is unbelievably autism coded.

A black and white mentality is a common autism symptom(one I experience as well✨️)

With a black and white mentality and being as easily irritable as he is, what happens is he meets someone, they annoy him and immediately Mr. Plant (subconsciously) starts seeing them as a bad thing with no redeeming qualities. He's so easily provoked he subconsciously puts nearly everyone in with the black and they aren't lives that matter anymore, they are obstacles or annoyances. He's also put some characters in with the white, (the blue mushroom, the monster child, Argos eventually) and he deems them worthy of protection and justice

It is very clear how Mr. Plant treats the entities around him as less than, especially with how he doesn't care at all about his victims. It checks out to me that this is because everyone gets grouped into the bad immediately due to his irritability and black and white mentality and in turn living beings become nothing more than a nuisance to him(aka something he can't feel empathy for).

When faced with a child being killed on film, it makes sense that the child would be lumped in with the white, and the abusers would be lumped in with the black. And it makes sense that the child who cut off Mr. Plant's pettle was lumped in with the black as well.

No, it's not fair at all that Mr. Plant holds an annoying child to the same level as a child murder but I don't think this makes Mr. Plant entirely evil per say.

Conclusion

My overall thoughts on Mr. Plant is that he(like me and many other autistic people) has a silly divergent mind that struggles to see the in-between in people. They came off wrong and now they're too annoying to empathize with, or (like with Argos) he's too kind; he isn't a bad entity for killing those guys. And the lack of empathy combined with murderous impulses results in the impulses winning.

He knows his rights from wrongs when he's thinking about it, he just struggles to see past his brain's predisposed notions of good and evil. I think he's in a moral gray area as of now but I'd love to see an arc where he realizes the nuisance in his fellow entities and that in order to pursue a healthy relationship with argos he needs to try and fight against his black and white mentality.

-signed an autistic kid at 5:37 am holy shit THE SLEEP DISORDER IS WILDING

#hey dont take this super serious #these thoughts occupy my mind at all time i just needed to word them #twomrp #mr plant twomp #twomp #i love projecting my autism onto mr plant #the shittiest essay known too man

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definitely-not-an-alb · 2 months

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ooh, how do you think molly would grift essek?

Alright. Let’s grift Essek.

First I need to note that any objection along the line of ‘Essek is too intelligent to fall for grifts’ is unnecessary, because whatever you think of Essek’s specific characterisation, assuming you are to intelligent to fall for a grift is one of the major ways people fall for them, in a ‘renowned high pressure social group researcher proclaiming on twitter that Sissy Porn is real and dangerous’ kinda way (look it up it’s some hysterical terf bs).

Gonna use that joke as a sidenote that if I am conflating grifts and high pressure social groups in this, it’s ‘cause as far as I care the difference is how self-aware the people running the show are. Watch any MLM-Doku (and I think we can all agree MLMs are grifts) and you’ll inevitably get to the part about weird aspiration culture bs and group pressure. It’s all one soup.

With that out of the way, let’s establish a baseline: What’s Molly’s reason for grifting Essek? Probably money and also the fun of it/being bored. Considering Kingsley abandoned his perfectly fine shipping company job to run off to be pirate king, I don’t think ‘Molly keeps grifting long after the M9 have become financially stable for shits and giggles and because Jester enjoys it’ is too outlandish a projection. Additionally, I don’t think Molly is great with impulse control nor this whole thing where current actions cause future consequences.

Now; why would Essek fall for a grift. Grifting relies on the dupe wanting something more than having good sense about it. Most people want money, so most girfts are structured around greed, but we know money is no object to Essek (though this does make him a juicy target – what he would barely miss might make a good haul for any grifter). We do know he is primarily motivated by knowledge instead, as well as a desire to be recognized as intelligent and exceptional. Additionally, we know he needs (in the character development sense) The Power of Friendship. Lastly, I think it’s fair to say he subconsciously longs for excitement (happy, fulfilled bureaucrats don’t become heretic spies; nor do they befriend a gang of mercenaries; implicitly, Essek is happier living the life of a wayward refugee-adventurer wizard than that of an Evil Gay Vizier Court Wizard or whatever papers a Shadowhand stamps nine-to-five.).

Being a paranoid bastard makes him a harder target, though the fact that we know he has fallen for someone’s bs before (I’m counting the spectacularly bad decision that is him allying with the Assembly as falling for a grift here. That’s a stupid decision to make!) makes him an easier target. Being so socially isolated makes him an easier victim, too, though his general rejection of people and clear discomfort with social interactions makes him an unlikely target for something like a romance scam. Essek’s relationship to tolerating bullshit is a weird one; on the one hand, he does put up with Jester’s (and the rest of the Nein’s) shenanigans, on the other he clearly knows how to and dares to tell someone to fuck off, and there’s that time he just ditches everyone via teleport (hilarious). So boundaries-wise, he could go either way. Lastly, I’d argue he’s at least somewhat impulsive or at least not risk averse. Always remember we are looking at an NPC next to Sword’n’Sorcery Adventurers – Essek might look cautious next to ruin-trawling wizards, but compare him to Gundula, 55, who works in Insurance and just clicked on a phishing link to claim her Totally Real Oilve Garden Gift Card, and you’ll see what I mean – most people are too risk-averse and unimpulsive to, again, commit treason via international conspiracy and then run off without a moment’s notice to dig around a cursed-ass ruin to save the world from a Cronenbergian nightmare.

Conclusion: He’s rich, he’s bored, he loves pretending to be a spy or grand discoverer, he wants to buy your dodgy foreign papers and incredible discoveries about the Luxon so, so badly and he has absolutely no one left in his life who’ll tell him it’s a bad idea.

So, for example, Molly could Voynich him. All he needs is a battered notebook and some writing supplies, whatever knowledge of what wizards’ and alchemists’ and spies’ scribbles look like he can easily pick up from traveling with the Nein and an opportunity to ask Essek to have a look at this encoded notebook he’s been lugging around all over the continent with him, why, he was at this party in Zadash and everyone else was some boring old pompous wizard (such a bore!) so he pickpocketed one of them, just for the fun of it, but, well, turns out neither Caleb nor Beau can make head nor tails of the weird sign code it’s written in (how tragic, if only someone happened to be so much cleverer than both of them!) and if Essek wants to have a look Molly would be more than happy to lighten his pack. For a small pittance, of course.

What’s small change to Essek is probably pretty nice to have for Molly, even by that level and especially if we’re mostly doing this for the fun of it. Essek gets to fall face first into his desire to show up Caleb, Beau and potentially an unknown Assembly member with his clearly superior decoding, espionage and wizardly skills and gain Secret Knowledge, maybe even Assembly Secrets on top of that.

Arguably, this one does rely very heavily on the fact that it’s hard to prove a negative, or in this case, hard to prove a barely-literate conman’s scribbles are just that. Do keep in mind Essek doesn’t know Molly is a habitual conman, but even so, it’s not a fantastic con (Essek isn’t dumb and knows his arcana after all and Molly doesn’t, or at least not enough to make a proper Voynich).

You could make it a better Voynich by getting Caleb in on it, but instead let’s pep it and turn it into a proper Real Stradivari by changing the hints that this manuscript might be legit to being alchemy-related and adding in a shill. Let’s go with Jester, because she’s down to clown, can lie and has a way with Essek’s boundaries.

So this time around, we aren’t asking Essek outright to buy our bogus notes – instead Molly gives him the whole spiel, hands him the notebook, fucks off with as little time to actually look at it as possible before Jester enters the scene to ask what THAT is and go oh it’s about ALCHEMY well, that DOES look like the signs she saw around Yezza’s house, pretty suuuure, oh, do you think it might be Yezza’s? Do you think Yezza might want it? Do you think she should ask Molly to sell it to her so she can give it to Yezza as a present to be nice because she’s such a nice friend who does nice things?

Honestly, the money part is optional if this is wholly about making Essek look up to see if the ceiling does indeed say gullible (and if Jester is involved, it might well do so! Always better to check, with her!), but a proper Violin Drop concludes with the Grifter returning to take their worthless thing back only to be asked to sell by the victim, who thinks the grifter doesn’t know what worth he has. If it was real, offering to buy the notebook would mean Essek outsmarted a minimum of three people (Beau and Caleb can’t crack the code, Molly is too dumb and illiterate to know valuable research notes from the morning paper) and gets his hands on potentially unknown-to-him luxon-related secrets! Alas, it’s not real, as he will realize soon.

So these are two (related) ways to scam Essek. But there’s a third one I want to mention one that is a lot of cinematic fun and I didn’t know had a name until Wikipedia told me no one does it irl (boo! That’s no fun!). It takes a lot of prep, math, and a lot of people and combines Essek’s obsession with the Luxon’s secrets and Molly’s penchant for passing himself off as psychic.

Molly would need something people in Rosohna bet on, like some kind of sport, preferably one with only two results and places people do said betting on said sport in groups. I’m assuming this exists on account of gambling and sports being culturally pretty universal concepts that love to go together.

Anyway. Imagine you’re Essek Thelyss, and one day a bunch of weirdos show up in court with a piece of the god you’re atheistically-heretically obsessed with. A few weeks later, you, having your ears to the ground about new developments regarding said not-god-pieces, hear one of the weirdos has made a name for himself as a outright oracle, correctly predicting the outcome of Fantasy-Dodgeball (Rosohnas’ favourite sport) perfectly six weeks running. He swears it’s because proximity to the Luxon amplified his inborn and long-trained psychic powers to predict the future.

Now, this is obviously bullshit. Except if Essek, being regrettably acquainted with the weirdos, were to ask, Molly would certainly confirm that sure, he has mystic powers and certainly they were amplified by the Luxon and predicting sport results is a hobby of his wherever they go, does Essek want to see? and lead Essek to a bar where every regular can swear on whatever he likes that Molly has correctly predicted the results of Fantasy-Dodgeball since the first week of being in Rosohna, in fact since before he himself knew the rules or track-record of any of the teams. Not only that, but there’s a second bar full of people Molly can introduce him too. And if he wants, he can certainly come back for a drink in one of them again next week when Molly has done it once more. Just call on Molly, he’ll tell you the time and date to meet some true believers, not all of whom can possibly be his shills.

(And, incidentally, barely worth mentioning, really, since Molly’s psychic blessings from the Luxon are so accurate, he has Exciting Business Opportunities for anyone willing to place more than their weekly betting budget in his trust, and he’d love for Essek to take a look at his powers. For a small compensation of his time, of course.)

Of course Molly can’t predict the results of Fantasy-Dodgeball. Instead, the first week of downtime in Rosohna, he found out what people like to bet on in Rosohna and where, picked one or two places in each district, go there and make predictions with a fifty-fifty split, then eliminate each watering hole where he was wrong each week, slowly cutting his audience back to only people who are getting to know him as That Outlander Who Always Knows The Results of Fantasy-Dodgeball, all the while escalating the story from him being just some dude betting and drinking with the guys to the whole Chosen By The Luxon thing. Considering this is a double-scam involving a faith aspect, he might very well still cash in in places he’s been wrong once only since victims of faith-based scams are very likely to overlook inconsistencies in their scammer’s stories or promised results. By the time Essek gets involved Molly’d be down to one or two places of true believers coming to him for ‘always accurate’ tips and a bunch of other people all over Rosohna he might get some money off based on the faith-aspect. And now perhaps one intrigued high-ranking government official who’s more than willing to overlook the hereticism inherent to the whole thing and is instead very likely to fall in the academic glue-trap of trying to disprove something clearly bogus that you do kind of want to believe in because like.

Wouldn’t it be cool? If the Luxon had more awesome powers? And one of them happened to fall in Essek’s hands, with no oversight and no need to cooperate with someone like Trent or Ludinus? Would he not want it to be real?

Anyway. The real answer to this question is: Enlist Beau to send bogus stuffed bills to Essek’s secretary. Bureaucrat on bureaucrat violence, let’s go.

#critical role #essek thelyss #mollymauk tealeaf #not!fic #the Psychic Sp/orts Bet is a long shot but I just like it so much I'm sorry for having Bad (Cinematic) Taste in sca/ms #anyway. I still want the world where Molly lived and Beau taught him white collar crime #Empire Crime Siblings. The dream #sorry this took so long to answer life was busy #whoever finds my spelling mistakes may happily keep them I am. so tired #now with a read more that still leaves this post much too long damn

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tsisisail · 1 month

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so. victoria drawtectivesoc. speak on that.

OH GOSH where do I start…?

So Vic, she can be a bit shy at first but if you get to know her, she’s super passionate about the things she cares about. She’s sweet and she’s kind but she can be impulsive and exhibits a tendency to beat around the bush and not just say what she means. She feels all her feelings very strongly, she just has a hard time expressing that.

As I said earlier, Anna Log is her sister (though I haven’t decided whether younger or older), and between the two of them Anna was kind of always the overachiever. Victoria has a tendency to be a bit self deprecating in an attempt to endear herself to others because of this, that or she’ll just make herself scarce. She’s admittedly a bit jealous of her sister, but they’re still close enough to live together. Vic also doesn’t have a surname yet in case Anna is brought back on another season, and we learn her real name.

When Vic was a bit younger she’d wanted to be a vet, went to college for it and everything, only to realize entirely too late that her heart couldn’t handle seeing hurt animals every single day. She’s moved in with her sister now and works at a cat café while she takes her college courses online. She’s considering going into graphic design!

Victoria and Eugene met at the cat cafe where she works, before Felix died. Victoria was instantly smitten, but confessing never really occurred to her, relegating him as being far too out of her league. They’d developed a friendship regardless, both trying to help each other wherever they could.

When Felix finally passed away (I imagine maybe a year or two after they met and Eugene started working on the Celestial Spear, Eugene hired Anna through Victoria, and in turn Victoria made excuses to see Eugene through Anna.

Victoria isn’t particularly subtle. Anna knows damn well what Victoria feels and finds this mostly embarrassing if anything. Even Eugene is subconsciously aware of how she looks at him throughout all this, but he doesn’t quite know how to feel about that. He’s very busy and isn’t fully convinced he’d be a particularly great romantic partner, and he finds this sort of thing confusing anyway. It’s just difficult for him.

Regardless, Eugene wants to show he cares about her some way. So he gets her those star shaped earrings! It’s a romantic gesture of sorts, even if he doesn’t fully admit to or realize it at the time.

After Eugene has gotten the Celestial Spear up and running, and he was about to go, Victoria freaked out, just a little bit, and confessed her love to him. (I picture him literally in the middle of a doorway as she’s saying this.)

Eugene is completely blindsided and flustered- he’s about to go, he has like two minutes, what on Earth is he supposed to say to her? He hesitantly, but very politely explains that, yes, he does love Victoria dearly, but he’d prefer to see where things would go between them after he’d finished working on Gareville and arrived home.

Victoria is ecstatic, she really hadn’t expected things to go this well at all. She just has to wait for him and her sister to get home, and she can talk about things with him more, and everything will be great!

And then no one comes home for months.

Victoria ends up having to report two missing people.

When they’re finally home, Anna remembers who Victoria is immediately; but Eugene doesn’t.

Victoria elects not to remind him of how close they were at one point, or what she’d said to him. He’s going through a lot and he doesn’t need another thing to be guilty about. So she just gets to quietly suffer, hip-hip-hurray!

#drawtectives #drawtectives oc #oc victoria #eugene finch #oc x canon #anna log #I probably couldve said more but i just. elected to lay out her story #IK aro Eugene is almost universally accepted but. I’m love him. So he gets to be demi. as a little treat.

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medium-bloodcrafter-scion · 1 year

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Hypothetical Astrology for Legendborn Characters: Moon Sign Edition

This post is for my fellow Legendborn Astronerd @multifairyus 💫⚔️ who provided really good possible Moon placements for Bree and Sel.

I promised I would get into it, and delay is not denial, I'm here to fulfill my promise!

Disclaimer(s):

- These are hypothetical and (if you pull up an ephemeris) may be impossible placements. If Tracy Deonn provides actual birth dates and times, I will revisit.

- Astrological interpretation varies from person to person and can be a bone of contention. I personally lean towards "traditional" astro, ie. only consider the 7 planets and not Uranus, Pluto, and Neptune. I just find it more symmetrical and easier for my brain to handle 🙃.

A quick primer:

The Moon represents: the Mother, women, the body, instinct, intuition, emotions, what you need to survive and thrive. It's one of the "big three" and can give a lot of insight into a person.

Ready? Let's go!

1. BREE - Aries Moon ♈ 🌕

This girl has fire in her eyes, veins, heart. I was actually surprised that she's a Scorpio, so assigning a fire Moon just seemed like the right thing to do.

* Instinctive reactions are quick, impulsive and fiery. Often leaps before she looks. Stuff happens/she does things before her brain steps in. She's quick-tempered but also quick to forgive. Her emotional vocabulary is most fluent when expressing anger/irritation.

* At best: Quick to react, emotionally transparent. She's a warrior, a weapon, a powerhouse.

* Mars (ruling Aries) can represent severance, among other things. The story starts with Bree literally being severed (Mars) from her mom (Moon) through her mom's death, which took place after a fight (also a very Mars theme).

* The theme of bodily (Moon) injury (Mars in Aries) is consistent throughout both books, with Bree literally being cut/burnt several times.

What Bree needs: to be in a space where she doesn't have to be hypervigilant. To be in a space where she isn't subconsciously anticipating that she'll have to defend herself from emotional or physical harm. To be in a space and be around people who make her feel safe.

2. SEL - Capricorn Moon ♑ 🌕

Capricorn Moon reminds me of Harlow's Monkey Mother Experiment 😭

* Saturn's baby. He's literally separated from his mother (Moon) to be raised by an institution (Saturn, ruling Capricorn, represents constructs, boundaries, institutions).

* Struggles with feelings of unworthiness/abandonment/neglect/self-loathing, so he's overly self-reliant, cold, and mean as a coping mechanism.

* Desperate for connection but doesn't know how to forge it (like wanting to be friends with Nick) because connection for the sake of it was not valued by the institution that "raised" him. Duty was valued instead.

* At best: Measured, calculating. Able to remove his emotions long enough to address the matter at hand. Realistic to an irritating, almost depressing degree, but it's often necessary.

What Sel needs: Reparenting (in therapy, or reparenting himself). He needs cuddles and head scratches and forehead kisses. He needs affection for its own sake. He needs someone to tell him they care, that they accept him as he is.

3. NICK - Scorpio Moon ♏ 🌕

*Nick is very complex. On the surface he seems like a "golden retriever," but when you dig deeper there's deeper, darker, more secretive layers, which is a very Scorpio Moon trait. He processes anger internally, but if not given room it can build up until he goes nuclear. He tends to alienate himself when he wants to process his feelings.

* At best, he's emotionally articulate, strategic, deadly at close range (much like a scorpion) and passionate.

* Scorpio is a fixed water sign, so Scorpio Moon really points to the making and breaking of emotional boundaries. For Nick, he experiences the violation of his physical and emotional boundaries early and continually - abusive training, invasive oaths, being forced into a role he never asked for. Another example is him feeling Sel's bloodlust whether he likes it or not (this is why that Max killing scene is so pivotal - it's Nick's own bloodlust, not a transmission from Sel). He's also forcibly separated from his mother in such a way that her emotional connection to Nick is broken... because he doesn't exist to her 😭.

What Nick needs: He needs space, quite simply (something he does express in the memory walk with Bree and Sel). He needs a safe emotional space to express/process his darker emotional urges without judgement. He needs room to rebuild those boundaries that were violated so early in his life.

COMPATIBILITY

Bree + Nick

A Scorpio Moon Nick would mean his Moon and Bree's Sun are in the same sign. Having the same Moon as Bree's Sun would explain the easygoing, comfortable call-response they have because Moon-Sun conjunctions in synastry can create instant feelings of connection. They would share a profound understanding of each other that forms a solid foundation for their relationship. Both having Mars-ruled Moons, they both instinctively understand the language of "fight," which is fitting for their positions as the descendants of Arthur and Lancelot.

Bree + Sel

Capricorn and Aries are square (at right angles) to each other. These two get under each other's skin, with Sel feeling like Bree imposes on him somehow and Bree feeling like Sel tries to block or restrict her from expressing her 'fight.' Would explain why they snipe at each other, but ALSO shows potential for some red hot sexual tension. On the bright side, Sel's Gemini Sun would grant him some sympathy towards Bree's 'need for speed' Aries Moon, while Bree's Scorpio Sun provides some much needed emotional expression for Sel's cold, dry Capricorn Moon.

Nick + Sel

Capricorn Moon and Scorpio Moon actually form a pleasant connection (sextile - easygoing, free-flowing). Let's assume a scenario where there's no more Oaths - Sel and Nick have the potential for a healthy emotional connection, provided Sel doesn't try to suffocate Nick's need to express his feelings and Nick understands that 'realism' is one of Sel's love languages. They would both need to let their guard down and give permission to the other to express themselves without fear of judgement.

I'll stop there because I could discuss this all day. 😊

#legendborn #legendborn cycle #bree x sel #bree x nick #Sel x nick #bloodmarked #Legendborn astrology

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dumping-ideas · 2 years

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I've read all your Tsukasa related rants like 50 times and (i *love* them sm) n i think I'd like to hear your "conclusion"?? on him? or like Tsukasa summed up if that makes more sense? (i had more I wanted to ask right here, but I didn't know there was a limit) I'm pretty sure you mentioned he regained his true feeling in WMS event but like, what even is his true feeling? Is it as simple as wanting to make people smile? soz if I'm making you repeat things & I hope i don't seem too illiterate 😭

Sorry for the late reply! And I'm glad you like my rants-disguised-as-analysis! I tend to ramble so maybe I lost the points on what I wanted to say, so you're fine. I'll try to keep this short though by making this a list!

So my conclusions about Tsukasa:

He's an independent perfectionist who doesn't want to trouble others if his problem doesn't concern them. If it does, he'll consult them after he has some kind of game plan.

He's very solution-oriented person, so he doesn't like or even realize he needs to take a breather to process his emotions. (Thanks for @mioyat tags!)

He's an optimistic realist--he knows what he can and cannot do very well (it's the reason why he's so confident), so if he says he can do it then he can do it.

He's also an impulsive planner--he makes plans for his long term goal (being a show star) but he's very impulsive in his daily life. Once he sets his mind on something, he'll aim for it immediately.

He can do a lot of things very well, but rather than from a natural talent it's from his hard work and analytical approach due to his solution-based problem-solving.

His personality is not a mask, but something that he's cultivated since he's young. He's genuinely a charismatic, loud, and eccentric weirdo now.

Tsukasa's brand of leadership isn't only leading but also supporting others, and he's really good at both. He's also good at organizing people, making him a very effective leader.

Tsukasa put his worth on how he can make others smile, and he'll do anything to be able do that. However, he still thinks that he's not good enough to be able to do it alone (his attachment to WxS).

He doesn't like feeling lonely and hurt, but he'll endure and hide those feelings for the people he cares about. He hides them so deep he basically dismisses them.

Although Tsukasa cares so much about others, he might/can take the cold-hearted approach due to his solution-oriented way (see White Day event where he slips into this mindset for a moment)

He has the common sense, level-headedness, and sense of responsibility to fulfill his tsukkomi role, yet he also has the imagination, goofiness, and naivety for his boke role.

And for his true feelings he regained in WMS, it's true that it's "he wants to make others smile", but more of "he can make others smile too". My understanding is that he doesn't really regain his true feeling after WxS unit story because he subconsciously thinks he can't make others smile without being perfect (thus he focused on winning the show contest). So WMS proves that can do that without winning/being the best.

#pjsekai #proseka #tenma tsukasa #tsukasa tenma #ask #trying to sum up my thoughts is hard lol #feel free to ask me too!

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starfxkr · 2 months

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Idk if you’ve done this yet or if it’s not too much to write, but what do you think are the guys sun, moon, rising, mars, venus and Saturn signs and why? This might be a lot actually but I’m curious on your thoughts on this because astrology is so interesting to me<3

ive talked about their big 3!!! and ive even talked about what I think rates venus is depending on if you see him as an aries or a scorpio

saturn is kinda harder to place because it stays in the same position for up to 3 years so realistically all of them except rafe have the same Saturn placement!

when it comes to mars/venus placements here's what I think

jj - aries mars I think he has an aries stellium tbh??? like hes a gemini with an aries stellium thats why he's like that....I could see him with a gemini or aries venus I haven't settled on that one but I think subconsciously I write him with an aries venus. like that one just fits more for me. he's bold and direct, he's gonna take initiative in manners of sex and romance and he's blunt about what he wants and who he likes he doesn't care bout social cues

anyways as for why (I also have an aries mars so when I whack him I whack myself) he's flight and impulsive and quick to anger without thinking things through but once he's over it he acts like that shit never happened but when he holds a grudge he holds that mf forever. can never finish tasks he started because he gets burnt out and it frustrates him because he WANTS to finish them. very aggressive especially if in a fight or flight situation hes gonna pick fight every time.

john b - sag mars he's optimistic to the point of delusion. he doesn't see the same boundaries everyone else does that's why he's the leader he's not afraid to push ahead when everyone else is worried he sees every possibility as one to explore head on.

but he's a cancer venus....cancer venus down. like he's a romantic he's actually extremely sensitive and protective about the people he loves and he requires loyalty and affirmation even more than the other ones.

rafe - pisces mars. no matter which sun he is he has a pisces mars. he's vindictive and never lets go of a grudge. mars in pisces is willing to make the hard choices and sacrifice and we see him do that constantly even if its his own family members

pope - virgo mars he's the most diplomatic of them all honestly, and its instinctual to him? like he doesn't have to try to work things out with little conflict and communication its second nature to him even when it doesnt work out and its not because hes conflict avoiding he just knows to pick his battles. he's not unwilling to fight however but hes very direct in his anger. on the downside he can be kinda mopey about certain situations .

def an aqua venus!!!(also an aqua venus...boutta whack myself) he tends to become...infatuated? like with kie and he reads all the signals wrong because he's really into the concept of being in love with someone but doesnt fully know what that means at the time and when that inevitably goes wrong he--like many aqua venuses--decides its easier to become detached and swear off love which means hes now in the position to potentially break someone else's heart. but luckily he doesnt lol. deeply values friendship over romantic love so he needs a good solid friendship before it develops into anything more and hes the type to call you "dude" romantically

#✨.txt #jj maybank prompt #rafe cameron prompt #john b prompt #pope heyward prompt

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dotthings · 11 months

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Gotham Knights 1x09, Dark Knight of the Soul With extra big thank you (I extra loved this ep) to Elle Lipson and Devon Balsamo-Gillis

There was so much going on in this ep, but Robins. Always get to me the most with the Robins.

Let me attempt to sum up.

Batkids group in conflict with each other. Steph frantic about Turner, Duela angry/fighiting/scared on behalf of Turner, Carrie still having to be the leader and live up to the legacy she feels responsible for, the lives she feels responsible for--the Gotham Knights as a group, and for the people of Gotham and Turner. Like her mother, Carrie carrying the world on her shoulders.

A lot going on with the GK's relationships. Steph and Harper teaming up, Harper's increasingly visible crush on Steph, Cullen calling Harper on her crush, Harper's protest-too-much denying the crush, Cullen worried that Harper has fallen for someone who won't fall in love with her back. The whatever is going on among Harper, Steph, Turner, and Turner and Duela right now. Personally, I am team Sharper and Turner/Duela. "No agenda, just you" was a big deal for Duela to just say it out loud like that. Because we might expect her to keep pretending. To make a joke, make up something about why it's some practical benefit to her if Turner lives. But she was so HONEST about it. Once Duela cares, she goes all in and isn't hiding.

Duela and Carrie's oppositional approaches to saving Turner. Carrie wants to save Turner, but not at the expense of further harm to the entire city. She cares about Turner. She cares about Gotham. Duela, who is used to caring only for herself, and isn't community-minded like Carrie, wanting to turn the electrum over to the Owls for Turner. Saving one person vs protecting many. But it's not that Carrie doesn't desperately want to save her friend, and it's not that Duela is actually being selfish. Carrie ultimately hands the real electrum over to the Owls when it's the only way left to save Turner's life. Duela, who has always looked after number one, caring about saving someone else. Turner -- is a selfless mindset, for her. And she cares about the city too, despite her protestations. She seemed really happy and relieved about Cullen's plan that would allow them to save Turner without doing further harm to Gotham. And who is it that hands the electrum over to the Owls after all that, to save Turner? Carrie. So many wonderful layers there. There's no good or bad to Duela and Carrie's emotional sparring over this. Flip sides of the same understandable impulses.

Lincoln is manipulating Turner. Who killed Turner's parents? I don't think it really was Bruce, but Lincoln needs Turner to think so, and tempts Turner to become their new Talon. The thing is, Bruce really might have been driven by guilt, if he felt he failed. If he felt it was his failure to save Turner's parents, so he took Turner in, why Turner of all the city's orphans. Because maybe Batman knew about the Court of Owls and maybe was trying to save Turner's parents and he failed. How very Bruce to carry the guilt, even if he's not the actual murderer. Or maybe he did kill them but...I need to see more to get there. Is the GK version of Bruce AU enough to abandon one of the core Batman tenets, which is not killing? Or is this a misdirect. Even though Turner denounces Lincoln's bs...I think the doubts are planted. The drug worked on Turner's subconscious, playing on questions and doubts Turner has, and Lincoln pushed it along with his words. Doesn't mean Bruce is the murderer but there are things he kept from Turner.

Harvey figuring out his body has been used by...something. That he's brainwashed, or he's become aware some other personality is taking him over. That he didn't do the things, that other guy did. Not sure yet how much Harvey thought it's him being manipulated by the Court, or if he fears his alt personality is taking over. The video Two Face left for him sure would take care of any doubts he had. Not the Court manipulating him. Two Face, the other personality, cohabiting Harvey's brain and using Harvey's body without him remembering it. Misha fuckin' Collins, everybody. The range.

Big, big love for the Cullen and Carrie scene in front of the belfry clockface and also one of the most visually beautiful shots in the whole series so far. "Giving the bad guys the means to live forever is not exactly out of the bat-manual." "No. But it could be the first chapter in the Book of Robin." "I always wanted to be a hero. Ever since I first saw the bat-signal light up the sky. I just--I didn't know what it would mean having to choose which lives to save and which to sacrifice..." "We're going to keep showing up. Keep fighting. Because Gotham's worth fighting for. You are what's keeping Batman's legacy alive." MY HEART.

#Gotham Knights #GK spoilers #GK meta

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kpopastrologys · 2 years

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Pluto in the 7th house

Oh, baby, it’s you It’s only the beginning, the limitless me From the start of the East to the end of the West The light gets stronger as it spreads through the darkness Open your eyes, my song is getting louder Did you see that hot and explosive world? Can you hear it? We have become one

Pluto represents both our personal power and the shadow of our personality. In Pluto we find everything that we repudiate about ourselves and everything that we need to keep in the shadow because we find it ugly, shameful or too difficult to deal with.

So, those born with Pluto in the 7th house need to be careful not to project their shadow onto the other person (their fears and complexes) or to not attract manipulative people who try to exert control over them. But why?

Because on Pluto we also have our source of power, and when it is present in the 7th house, our power is projected.

To use the planet positively, look for relationships that empower and transform you, and vice versa. Beware of that irresistible and magnetic attraction that has toxic elements.

You deserve someone who reveals him/herself and gives him/herself to you. This is a great placement for working on your shadow through someone else.

Pluto in 7th house brings the challenge of having deep and transforming relationships based on the awareness of oneself and the other.

As a positive characteristic, Pluto's position in the 7th house makes these natives want to find great passion and affection for another person. However, it is necessary to find emotional balance for these relationships to thrive.

These natives have a challenge, as they prefer to make decisions by logic and reason, rather than acting with emotion. This has a positive point, which makes them take better attitudes, but can hurt the other people involved.

As a negative characteristic, natives with the influence of Pluto in the 7th house tend to be destructive in relationships. In contradiction to this, Pluto usually awakens deep feelings related to this house.

Another negative point of this influence is a tendency to betrayal, jealousy and abuse, as well as difficulties in trusting your relationships. In this way, the deepest bonds with people end up not being strengthened. In addition, they begin to see their darker side in others.

Pluto represents both the reforming impulse and the destructive impulse. It rules our deepest subconscious and, as it embodies the principle of transformation and regeneration, it can bridge the spiritual and material worlds.

Usually natives attract people who are extremely energetic in some specific aspect, whether good or not, and that, through the relationship, this aspect will be brought to the surface and will cause mutual changes, conflicting or not. It is as if projecting one's own identity onto the other becomes explicit in that position. So natives must always be aware of their views of relationships and people they choose to be close to.

Every person is a lesson, and Pluto is a harsh teacher here.

The natives can attract many people with huge egos and people who like to dominate through shouting and imposing their will. It may be that there is a nullification of the native's will, or it may be that the things he/she says are not taken into account by the partner.

And it is precisely this wound that Pluto will touch, that of making you know how to impose your will in the face of dominating people and extreme situations. When you're invited by the planet Pluto to transform, traits you didn't know you had are revealed. In other words, when you learn to stand up to others, you end up discovering more about yourself and your inner strength that you didn't know before.

Pluto in the 7th is dealing not only with the pure side, but with the rotten side of the people the natives relate to, thus they become better able to understand themselves and heal the rottenness in themselves (usually through other people).

Those who have Pluto in the 7th house will experience intense emotions and discover less than noble feelings, their dark side mirrored in other people. Pluto in the 7th represents the alchemists and also the final product, but the others become the instrument of transmutation.

And it's all about learning, because in this position, relationships are the source of deep transformations. It is necessary to learn to better impose your wills, in a balanced and healthy way, to learn to position yourself more in the face of relationships. It's important to know how to choose what kind of people you want in your life, otherwise life will end up choosing for you. But one thing is for sure, with this placement you need to learn to be more cautious with others and especially with yourself, your choices, your desires, what you allow to enter your life, because Pluto likes an impossible passion.

I believe the biggest influence is the personal transformation that relationships bring, any kind of more serious relationship, be it a marriage or a partnership, for example. The associations for those who have this position make a person's life change, they are transition points, the before-after is very evident. But it is not always a light path, it is often intense.

The native tends to be attracted to Plutonic people. The plutonic person will always be spewing out the rotten side of humanity "I want status, power, revenge, I want, I want this and that". The bright side is that any partnership the natives make will take them out of their comfort zone. The downside is the negative effects, including psychological or emotional ones, on this native's life.

In short, the natives relate to Pluto himself in person.

And that goes for both LOVE and FRIENDSHIPS, other types of relationships.

The challenge is for you to identify the right friendships, cultivate them, and who is not worth it you can't get involved, because it can harm you. So, try to be more analytical, evaluate people's interior more. You need to wait for the correct time for things.

Enjoy your own presence and learn to love yourself, don't seek to get involved with toxic people, don't relate without preparation, cultivate being alone, preserving your peace and quiet.

Baby, I don’t want nobody but you

Inside, only you're allowed

The one to take my heart, that is you

I need a connection, I want it like crazy

I need you

I need something to make us completely feel each other

I need that, I need you

- Limitless, NCT

#pluto in 7th house #pluto in the 7th house #pluto #astrology #kpop astrology

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mannanoo · 10 months

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Masks and Facades

No Warnings Apply Teen and Up Audiences Klaus Hargreeves and Number Five The Umbrella Academy Word Count: 6,794 Completed.

Klaus is sober and Five is capable of feeling emotions.

That being said, just because Five does have a heart, doesn't mean he knows how to actually use it to bond with his brother

Or maybe he does because it's just so easy to talk to Klaus.

Sober Klaus was… different. Unexpected. An outlier.

Not to say that it was unexpected that Klaus would ever be able to get sober, no. But his behaviour was definitely unexpected.

For one, while sober, Klaus couldn’t cook anything. Toast was a struggle. Compared to when he was high as possible when he seemed to become a 4-star chef.

While sober, Klaus was definitely more distracted by the ghosts around him. Sure, he’d learned to deal with them better than when Sir was ‘training’ them, but they were definitely more distracting. But while high, the only ghost he seemed to see was Ben. Five was sure that was because of stubbornness, however he couldn’t figure out whether it was stubbornness on Ben’s part to try and stop Klaus’ destructive behaviours or whether it was Klaus subconsciously needed some sort of support, especially the kind of support that could be easily ignored or couldn’t physically stop him.

Five supposed, the reason he was so caught up on how Klaus had changed was because it was the more noticeable change between his siblings. After Five had managed to make his way back from being stuck in the future and then under The Commissions thumb, his siblings hadn’t changed all that much, bar the change in Ben’s mortality. But he had already grieved Ben, along with his other siblings in the future. He knew how Ben died, granted he didn’t know the details. He suspected the only people who would know how Ben had died would be those who were present. Vanya wouldn’t know, and despite everything else she had written in her book, he doubted very much that she would write the details of their brother’s death in her book.

But, back to the subject.

In the week that followed his return, Five noticed in the back of his mind every time Klaus changed. Whether it was for better or worse. Klaus was always more… flexible. More mouldable. He wore masks, whether he realised it or not, Klaus had masks for each person he spoke to. His default though, seemed to be the junkie who could see ghosts. That was the mask Klaus had started to carefully construct when they were younger, before Five has disappeared. It was the mask he wore when he was faced with more than just one of his siblings. It was the mask he had defaulted to when Five returned.

Which had, stung. More than he’d like to admit. Five knew that mask well. It was the mask Klaus used when he didn’t know who he was talking to. It had definitely stung that Klaus used the mask with Five, but he knew the reason. For them, he had been gone for 16 years. Even though it had been longer for him, he knew he wasn’t the same person as when he was 13. He wasn’t the same person, but Klaus being able to see that immediately through the haze of pills and alcohol that was a constant in his system now stung.

But he took it with stride. He knew how Klaus ticked, and it made him feel warmer inside when Klaus had acted the same way Five knew when they were younger. The idiot with poor impulse control but who could always get them out of trouble with a new mask for a new person. Although his lip had stung and he was sure that his brother’s forehead was stinging through his fogged-up mind, he smiled when he saw that Klaus had once again got them out of trouble.

That moment, that small, seemingly insignificant moment was the exact point when the default mask had started cracking and slipping from his face as he turned to Five and asked for his twenty dollars after the front doors to the lab shut behind them. With that job taken care of, Five decided his efforts were better spent on averting the apocalypse. If he needed his siblings, he would tell them, would take Luther’s place as leader. But until then, he needed Klaus to see him as his brother again but he needed, more than anything to know they were all safe. If they weren’t involved, then they wouldn’t die and then he would have at least changed something and they wouldn’t be alone. But until then, until he knew whether he had succeeded in averting the apocalypse, he needed to keep one eye on his siblings and one eye on finding Dolores. And the fake eye on averting the apocalypse.

Finding Dolores had been a priority since he came back. But when Hazel and Cha-Cha found him with Dolores, both eyes had been on getting out alive with Dolores. He had kept running until he got back to the Academy. He had stitched himself up, his only thoughts on keeping Dolores safe and fixing the apocalypse. Surely his siblings would be fine while he altered his calculations. They had grown up the same as him after all.

They would all be fine.

Until they weren’t.

After he had come back to the Academy, dragged there by Diego who didn’t want him in his disgusting boiler room anymore. He had found the trail of wet, bloody footprints coming from the small bathroom directly to Klaus’ room. He had been shocked and curious by the trail of diluted blood. He had been prepared for some blood in the mansion, after Diego and Luther mentioning Hazel and Cha-Cha’s uninvited visit. He hadn’t been prepared for his brother.

In the few days it had been since Five had seen his ghostly brother, he had not expected such drastic changes. The new tattoos and the new-old dog tags around his neck didn’t shock him as much as the air surrounding him.

Klaus had always been a cold person physically. He had used it to torture his sibling’s countless times when they were children, had even used his freezing hands to try and throw them off when they were all forced to spar with each other by Sir’s insistence. They all knew it was due to his powers. And they all knew that the more ghosts clinging to him, the colder he was. Since Five had returned, Klaus seemed to have been at a constant temperature, kept consistent by the only ghost clinging to him being Ben. But the shift in temperature as Five stepped through the doorway to his brother’s room shocked him. It was like walking into a freezer. It was like something in the room was sucking out all heat, but Five knew that it wasn’t on purpose. He could also see how dirty-clean Klaus was. Physically, he was still quite dirty and rough looking. There were still spots of dirt on his skin that seemed like they were tattooed there more than just smeared there. His hair seemed more tamed than usually, but on Klaus it just seemed wrong. Off. No matter how clean it would look on anyone else, on his brother, it still seemed dirty and unkept.

But his eyes were the biggest change.

Five could still tell his brothers head was foggy. His mind was still hazy and his eyes were still glossy, but it was different this time. It was a cleaner, more pure fog that graced his brothers mind. There was no other way to describe it, but despite how high Klaus might have looked to the untrained eye, Five knew. He knew the symptoms. He knew that his brother had travelled in time and come back the same age, give or take however long he had been gone. His mind was already firing up questions and calculations, answering questions to himself that he hadn’t asked already. His feelings for his brother and how he might have felt were filed away for the moment. He knew when he went for a more analytical view of life that Dolores hated it, hated seeing him shed all sense of person, but in that moment, that brief moment of amazement that his brother had managed to get Hazel and Cha-Cha’s briefcase and use it, he couldn’t remember why it was so bad. Why it was so wrong to see the bigger, clearer image.

His moment of elation was quickly shut down when Klaus wouldn’t (couldn’t, his brain later supplied, when he was thinking with his heart and head in equal balance) answer his questions. When he had told his younger-older brother that he had broken the briefcase, that he had left it on that street corner to explode and burn when he had the chance. He wasn’t thinking about his brother. He needed that briefcase. He needed that briefcase to blackmail Hazel and Cha-Cha. Anything else was irrelevant. If he had that briefcase, he could stop the apocalypse from happening. He could save his siblings from dying. He wouldn’t have to bury them a second time.

(He knew in the back of his mind, that the worst thing the Commission could do to him if he failed to stop the apocalypse would be to save him. Save him and let his siblings die and make him grieve them all over again. And let him repeat the cycle of trying to save his family and failing and trying and failing and trying and failing and-)

The door swinging back against the wall knocked him out of his thoughts as Klaus left. He hadn’t seen his face, but he knew, he just knew that Klaus had a different mask for him now. It would be a completely new one and there was no way that Five would know what it could be. He had just thrown all of Klaus and his new changes to the side in favour or plotting (of trying to save his family. Feelings didn’t matter now if he couldn’t save them later) but he knew that Klaus wouldn’t-couldn’t give him the junkie mask.

Five had already seen that Klaus was clean. Even if he didn’t know exactly why, he knew there was a reason for being clean and Five knew that Klaus knew that he knew that. Which meant Klaus couldn’t put forward the junkie mask again.

Not any time soon at least.

(There’s no time for feelings. Hazel and Cha-Cha don’t know the briefcase is broken. They can still be used. We can still fix the world and then fix our family)

He wasn’t sure when he had started referring to himself as we. Maybe when he saw the Academy destroyed. Maybe when he buried his siblings. Maybe when he couldn’t find Vanya. Maybe when he found Dolores. Maybe when he lost Dolores. Maybe when he gone back to his 13-year-old body but was still older than all his siblings who were all born on the exact same day or the exact same year as him.

Maybe when he realised that Sir Reginald was right and that he wasn’t ready for time travel. Maybe when he realised that he hadn’t come out of the ice properly.

Maybe he had come out of the ice properly and the travel had changed everyone else.

He wasn’t sure anymore, and he wasn’t sure the other part of his brain that referred to him as ‘we’ knew either.

Dolores would know, but he wasn’t sure-they- weren’t sure they-he- wanted to admit he was wrong this soon. Especially not about hurting his brother by pushing his heart aside and thinking with his head.

The days that followed, he saw Klaus much less. It was his own fault, but he couldn’t dwell on that. Not after he had filed away Klaus’ feelings for his own gain and effectively broken that mask that Klaus had spent time creating and perfecting for him. His mask with Diego was more open, more vulnerable. With Luther it was the same as it had always been, just crazy enough to keep Luther away from him but just friendly enough that he wasn’t a threat. But it kept shifting with Five now. For a moment it would be the junkie mask, the next moment it would be the mask he had spent years on, the next it would be a combination of all the masks Klaus used on his siblings separately.

It stung Five to know he had shattered the mask Klaus wore with him. It stung to know that once it was complete, he would most likely get the same new default mask. The mask he’d be able to wear with all his siblings together that wasn’t the old ‘junkie-who-can-see-ghosts’ mask.

It stung to know he had become a stranger to his brother again when all Five could think was he didn’t want to bury his brother again.

The sting of his failure to recognise his brother’s emotions didn’t leave him. Especially when he was designated the lookout like nothing had changed when everything had actually changed. It stung when he saw that confident, smug look on his brothers face after he manifested Ben and used their dead brother’s powers. The smile that Five had carefully crafted all those years ago, because it was the one thing he had over Sir Reginald. That he was better at controlling his powers than his siblings and he knew it but Sir Reginald couldn’t do shit about it because they both knew he wasn’t wrong.

It stung to know his brother didn’t have a mask for him any more but that he had been carefully crafting Five’s smug smile, even after he had disappeared. Because Five knew, that no matter how hard he had tried when they were younger, Klaus could never get the perfect balance between overconfidence and justified confidence that had come naturally to Five.

A few months after they had averted the apocalypse, and a few days after Five was absolutely sure that they were all safe from The Commission, he had decided it was time to come face to face with his brother again. He knew that whatever mask Klaus had made for him would sting, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to avoid it forever. Not when all of his siblings were insistent on having ‘family-bonding-time’ to try and stop any chance of another apocalypse happening. He knew that Klaus had been practising with his powers along with Vanya so they could both learn at their own pace. He knew that they had bonded over Sir Reginald’s ‘training’ induced claustrophobia. Neither of them wanted to chance of being locked away to deal with their powers again and had elected to train each other outside in the garden, by Ben’s new memorial. One that had been made after Klaus had manifested Ben one day, who had then made a comment about how much he had hated the statue and was glad when Luther had knocked it down at their dad’s funeral.

The new memorial was much better, in all of their opinions. Instead of a statue with the vaguest influence of their brother, they had all chosen to take care and help grow a large evergreen tree. It had taken a while to get it to the right size, but since they had all been thrown into the past to help Vanya anyway, by the time they had caught up to themselves in the timeline, the tree towered over the garden and was perfect for climbing. It had become one of Klaus’ favourite spots in the grounds of the Academy and there was almost a guarantee that no one would interrupt them when Five had made up his mind (it was his own now. He had stopped referring to his body and mind as we. He wasn’t sure when, but it had happened and he wasn’t going to question himself).

He had planned out the encounter perfectly. He’d wait until early evening, when Klaus and Vanya had finished training with each other, when Diego had gone to do some PI work (he still justified it as being a vigilante but they all knew he had stopped being ‘Batman’ nowadays), when Luther and Allison were off, either working on their weird relationship or helping Allison get Claire back (they were all becoming quite anxious to meet their niece every time Allison talked about her so there was no chance Allison or Luther would be willing to interrupt his encounter with Klaus). He knew that Klaus and Ben had an agreement that early in the evening, Ben would go off to do whatever ghost things he did and Klaus would enjoy the setting sun (it had quickly become his favourite past time during his times at rehab and had made getting sober easier on him every day when he was ‘trapped’ in rehab. (He hadn’t said it, but they all knew it was because of Mom and Pogo reminding him on particularly bad days that there couldn’t only be ghosts in the world because then there would only be darkness and a sunset couldn’t exist in an everlasting darkness. He didn’t need to say it.))

Five had gone to sleep the day before, after going over his plan in his head for the fifth time and to Dolores for the third time. He had planned it perfectly, even down to the time he would need to wake up the next day (it wasn’t any different than normal but if he woke up later then the plan would have to wait for another day (“Yes it does matter Dolores. No, I’m not procrastinating. It matters. It always matters.”))

He was going to sleep for 9 hours, and wake up at exactly 8am. (“Even if I’m a minute late waking up then it waits another day, Dolores. I already told you, it always matters.”)

His plan was perfect and timed and there was no way it would go wrong.

Until he was woken up to the smell of coffee, the noise of a mug being plonked on his bedside table, his curtains being thrown open to let the sun shine directly onto his face and a body sinking onto the bed right by his head. He sat up sharply, reflexively reaching beside him (his gun was gone. He couldn’t protect himself- there was nothing to protect himself from. He was safe. He is safe. He didn’t-doesn’t- need the gun anymore. He didn’t before but he definitely doesn’t now.) He turned his head to the side to look at his alarm before even attempting to figure out who had woken him at-

28 minutes past 4. In the morning. 4:28 AM.

His plan was ruined. It would have to wait until tomorrow.

He turned to face the person who had woken him up and ruined his plan, ready to lash out at Luther or Diego or Allison. Vanya wouldn’t have woken him at this time of morning. (Allison probably wouldn’t have either, but it was still her preferred method of waking him up. Annoying him awake with light and sound before making him compliant with coffee.)

His words died on his tongue when he came face to face with Klaus.

Klaus, smiling at him.

Klaus smiling at him.

He wasn’t sure what shocked him the most. The fact that Klaus, the brother he had been very obviously ignoring for the past few… however long it had been (time travel would always be a bitch) or that fact that it was Klaus who had come to him first.

Klaus wasn’t a patient person. All of their siblings knew that. They all also knew that Klaus would easily annoy other people but wouldn’t get annoyed easily. But when he was annoyed, or hurt mentally, he knew how to hold a grudge. Five expected Klaus to try and get away from him as soon as he put his plan into action, which is why he had chosen to try and corner him on his perch of some of the taller branches of Ben’s tree (Klaus may still have destructive tendencies, but they had lessened significantly since he had become sober (since he came back from Vietnam after watching someone he loved die) it was one of the changes Five found fascinating about his brother. That he could be so destructive for years of their lives, even after seeing their little brother (Ben would always be the little brother despite being the same age as the rest of them and not being the smallest. He had tended to try and take up the least amount of room possible and became the little brother while Vanya had become their little sister) die. He had kept up his destructive tendencies even after he had died and overdosed so many times (“He overdosed 9 times before he figured out the limit and died 6 other times while high, once while sober” Ben’s voice echoed in his head.) and it was only when it was someone who had loved him back and loved him fully through his misgivings and until his death, that Klaus had decided it wasn’t worth the risk to destroy himself to piss of Sir Reginald (Sir Reginald who still didn’t care what Klaus did, just that he had been a disappointment to him).

Five was still processing and sorting through all his early morning intrusive thoughts when Klaus smile brightly at him (it was Five’s mask. The same one as before. Somewhere deep inside him a coil of tension unfurled and soothed. Maybe he hadn’t broken everything) before grabbing the mug of coffee and pushing under Five’s nose.

“I got that coffee you were banging on about. Figured you might have noticed it already, but looks like you haven’t.” He had noticed it. He knew that someone had bought it for him. He knew that it had probably been Klaus. But he hadn’t been ready to face his brother and therefore wasn’t ready (deserving) to have a decent cup of coffee so had suffered. He blinked slowly, still trying to get rid of the grogginess before slowly lifting his hands to take the mug out of Klaus’ hand and away from his face. (The mug was close to overflowing and he was sure Klaus had already spilled a few drops on his nightstand and bed already, and he could tell the coffee had been brewing too long but he would still drink it (no one had gone through this much trouble for him since… since forever. He wasn’t used to this but he thought he might be able to) because Klaus had made it).

“No. Smiling this early in the morning is unnatural and disgusting. Do you even realise what time it is?” He knew his words were sharper than he wanted them to be, but he still couldn’t get past the fact that his plan to confront Klaus had been ruined by Klaus confronting him.

“It’s half past four in the morning and you have been ignoring me and the coffee I bought you. Don’t complain.” The smile left Klaus’ face, but eh amusement in his eyes didn’t leave and the mask didn’t change. Silence fell between them, but it was comfortable as Five lifted the mug up to his face and managed to take a small sip of too bitter (burnt) coffee without wincing. A few moments passed before Klaus opened his mouth to say something, but Five beat him to it.

“I’m sorry.” Klaus froze. Five didn’t look at him-couldn’t look at him. He knew he had been wrong to push Klaus aside before (later? He still wasn’t sure when it was). He had known even as he asked about the briefcase instead of what happened to his brother, when he got angry about the briefcase being destroyed and his brother messed with the dog tags (Dave’s dog tags. The only person outside the family Klaus had loved and who had loved him back equally. He needed to start using his name. He was worth that in the very least). He knew when instead of running after his brother he had sat down to scribble a note to meet with Hazel and Cha-Cha (the ones who had tortured his brother for information he didn’t have and who couldn’t keep hold of their briefcase long enough to keep it out of Klaus’ sticky fingers (it was their fault Klaus had been tortured in that motel and then with a love he couldn’t keep (but then it was also Five’s fault and he knew that))).

Klaus’ jaw was still hanging open and amazement had replaced amusement in his eyes. In all their years (he still wasn’t sure but without Dolores he knew his calculations would definitely be wrong) Five had never apologised. Not when they were children, not when he came back, not when they went back and not when they had finally been able to live their lives and start acting like a family. (He still needed to apologise to Vanya for saying she wasn’t important during the apocalypse (she was, she always had been important, regardless of her part in the apocalypse (but he needed to finish apologising to Klaus first.)))

“Dolores always hated when I stopped thinking properly but I just couldn’t stop and I wanted to be your brother again but then I didn’t want to bury you again and if I had the briefcase then I could stop Hazel and Cha-Cha without killing them because Luther really doesn’t like the idea of me murdering people and I didn’t want to-I don’t want to, but there wasn’t much choice because I didn’t want to bury you all again because it would be my fault if you all died because it would mean I’d failed and it’d be all on me and all my fault. I’m sorry I didn’t ask about what happened, or where you went, or when you went, or who you lost but I couldn’t stop thinking about how I could save you all because I didn’t want to lose all of you all over again.” His words spilled out of his mouth like bitter coffee. They stung, and burnt his throat, and numbed his lips and cheeks and tongue and he didn’t even realise he was crying until he felt the burning coffee mug (it wasn’t hot enough to burn his throat so why- oh yeah, the tears) being pried from his death grip (he hadn’t realised he was gripping it so tight-that must have been why his fingers were burning) and when he felt his brother’s cold (they were always so cold) hand reach up to wipe away his tears with one hand while he set the mug down on the coffee table again (carefully this time-Klaus must have noticed the few drops he’d spilt before). The trails of salt on his cheeks that were making his way into his mouth through his open lips (that must have been the sting. The salt from his tears). He didn’t even realise how much he was crying until his brother’s voice slowly started to echo in his ears past the ringing and slight pain at his temples.

“… two, three, four. Breathe out, one, two, three, four.” He felt his breathing slow, and opened his eyes (when did he close them (better question: when did he lift his hands up to press his fingers into his temples?)). He looked into his brother’s face and saw him smile shakily with wet eyes. (Five was the one who had been crying, there was no need for Klaus to have tears in his eyes (He realised later, when he was more awake and more… steady that Klaus was close to crying because his brother was crying-he didn’t know when he would get used to seeing his family care about him again (they couldn’t care if they were just corpses he was burying))) “Just breathe for a minute Five.” Klaus paused in his words as he helped Five bring his hands to warm themselves around the mug of coffee again, and wiped the remainders of the tears from his little (no matter how much Five wanted to disagree, he had always been the smallest of them all (only just in comparison to Ben or Vanya, but smaller nonetheless)) brother’s face.

“There’s a lot to unpack there Five.” (He knows there’s a lot to unpack, it was his fault for all of it anyway (maybe not the actual apocalypse but his definitely still played his part in that.) “But you know I don’t blame you right? Like, none of this was your fault. Especially none of the stuff with Dave or Hazel and Cha-Cha. You didn’t make them kidnap me, or torture me, and you weren’t the one who set that briefcase to the fucking Vietnam War. I mean, you didn’t even send them after you or any of us in the first place. The only person I blame is that Handler lady and dad but that’s just because I blame him for everything.” He paused again, taking a breath to look straight into Five’s eyes (he did that a lot-now he was sober. It was one of the bigger but more subtle changes Five had noticed now Klaus was sober. He could look people in the eye now). He wiped off the remainder of Five’s tears from the corners of his eyes before leaning back slightly. His head tilted slightly (Ben) as he stayed silent before he continued speaking, tilting his head back to stare at the ceiling. “It was extremely shitty, being tortured and then escaping only to end up in Vietnam in the middle of a war in only a towel and my coat, but if the situation came up again, you know the only thing I’d do different?” Five shook his head. He didn’t trust himself to speak, he couldn’t predict what Klaus was about to say. His head was turned too far away from him. Klaus looked at him from the corner of his eyes and Five shook his head again. “I’d save Dave. I wouldn’t wait for him to be killed, or follow him to the front lines. I’d keep him alive til the end of the war, I’d make sure he could go home and see his mom and his sister. Then I’d sweep him off his feet and bring him here, try and make a life with him here so we wouldn’t have to hide anything. That’s all I’d do. Just change it so he could live his life.” Five couldn’t speak.

How could his brother, who had arguably been screwed over physically more than any of them, not only not blame him for what had happened, but also not want to change it? Would willingly go back into a warzone for someone he’d only known for ten months?

He studied Klaus’ profile in silence as he tried to figure out what to respond with. He watched Klaus smile wistfully up at the ceiling. Watched as tears gathered in the corners of his eyes (probably both but Five could only see one of them (he wished he could see both. Just to make sure it wasn’t his brothers eye he’d carried around for years)). He watched as his brother (his big brother. It was starting to grow on him-that he didn’t have to be the strongest or oldest or smartest one anymore) tilted his head to the side again (always tilted it to the left (they all knew that Ben preferred to stay on his right-if only to screw with their father’s number order (they were children. They shouldn’t have been numbered; they should’ve had names))). He realised as he watched his brother just how much he had loved Dave (he was getting there-using his name. Even if he hadn’t said it out loud). There was nothing he could say that would even be close to right in response to that kind of statement (he knew what it implied. He’d sacrificed himself for the only person who had truly loved him and seen past everything (Dave had probably seen him through withdrawals and relapse and the nightmares during that time he spent in the past (he didn’t dwell on how Dave had probably seen Klaus worse than any of their siblings, especially him (he should’ve been there))).

He’d sacrifice himself for the only person he thought loved him without obligation.

He needed to change the subject. He needed to change the subject before he started crying again.

He lifted the mug to his lips to drink the coffee (it was still bitter and burnt but with the added effect of now being too cold (it was still better than anything else because Klaus had tried to make a perfect drink with his favourite coffee (he bought it specifically for him, he’d be damned if he wasted a single drop))).

After he choked down most of the liquid, he put the mug down on his bedside table again (it had to be in the exact same place or else everything would change again). He turned back to look at his (big) brother who was still probably swept up in his memories of Dave.

“It doesn’t absolve me of guilt Klaus.” His voice startled his brother, who snapped his head back to face him in confusion. Before he could retaliate, Five held up his hand and Klaus stopped. His brows furrowed further but quietened down nevertheless. “Just because all that wasn’t my fault, doesn’t mean I should’ve ignored you and your feelings. I should’ve asked about where you were, I should’ve noticed you were even gone. I should’ve asked what happened and not tried to reason my way out of it. Hell, I could’ve mentioned it to Diego or even Luther. I took him with me to try and blackmail Hazel and Cha-Cha with a broken briefcase and I could’ve told him then but I didn’t. And unless you’ve told any of them, then they don’t know either and they should know-we all should know because we’re your siblings and we should care more than we already do.” They both stayed quiet for the next few moments, both trying to absorb all the conversation. Five swallowed the rest of the burnt coffee, resolutely looking down at his bedsheets (still covering his legs, doing nothing to hide the nervous shaking). Once his mug was empty, he stared down at the bottom of it, staring at the coffee grounds that hadn’t been filtered out properly, as if they would give him answers or an idea of what to say (they wouldn’t. he’d tried too many times during the apocalypse to find answers of how to fix everything. He still wasn’t sure they’d done the right thing or that they’d averted the apocalypse completely, but there was no way of telling now the Commission was gone and there were no more briefcases left to travel with.)

“Alright then. It wasn’t your fault and you still feel guilty about being a prick. Is that what you wanted me to say?” Klaus’ serious tone shocked Five more than any part of this conversation. His head snapped up to stare at his (big) brother who was staring up at the ceiling, his head tilted back and his brows furrowed. Five had never seen his brother look as angry as he did now, he wasn’t entirely sure it was possible (Lies. Five had seen Klaus this angry before, the first time all of them, including Vanya, had tried to get Klaus sober. They’d taken all his drugs and half empty bottles from his room and Five had been the one to disappear with them while Luther pinned Klaus down. They’d all ignored his protests and his excuses. They’d all thought he was being dramatic. They’d thought he was being childish. Fuck, they should’ve just listened to him, tried to help. Christ, they were all so messed up.)

“Do you want me to say you’re a prick? That I think you’re a shit brother because you had so much on your mind that you weren’t worried about your druggie brother? Because honestly Five, I don’t blame you for anything, except pissing off in the first place. I don’t blame you for wanting to time travel, I don’t blame you for doing it just because dear old Reggie said you couldn’t, I don’t blame you for getting stuck in the fucking apocalypse, I don’t blame you for being more focused on the entirety of the human race dying than your own siblings, and I definitely don’t blame you for not asking me about my feewings while you were trying to stop us all from dying horribly.” The words were spat out of Klaus’ mouth like venom, as if the topic of emotion was too much, too close, too familial.

That stinging feeling was starting to come back in his chest.

It stung knowing that Klaus didn’t think he was worth feeling guilty for. That he thought he wasn’t worth anything Five was trying to say.

“Do you understand Five? I don’t blame you for anything that happened because I wasn’t your fault and there’s no reason to blame you. The only person I blame for any of this, the only person I will never forgive, is Reginald fucking Hargreeves. He turned us into soldiers and was directly responsible for at least one out of the seven of us becoming a druggie. He’s the reason that Vanya thought she was ordinary, he’s the reason Allison used her powers on us all the time, he’s the reason you disappeared and got stuck in the future, he’s the reason Diego has that scar, that Luther died and was brought back as a science experiment, the reason Ben died, the reason I became a junkie, and the reason why you had to see us all dead along with the rest of the world. There is literally no reason to blame you for ignoring my feelings when you were trying to fix all of his mistakes from when you were thirteen. The only thing he did right was die and not come bitching at me every hour.”

He did. He did understand. It didn’t get rid of the guilt completely, but it definitely lessened.

He didn’t understand how Klaus could feel so… worthless.

He didn’t understand how Klaus, who had been speaking to their dead brother this entire time, who had been sober for this long, had fought in the Vietnam War, had been able to manifest Ben to help keep them alive when they were being shot at, had been able to talk Vanya down after they averted the apocalypse, had essential fixed everything, could feel so worthless.

So undeserving.

Before he even realised, Five was reaching his arms up to pull at Klaus’ arm, tugging him down lightly.

The shock of his touch must have done most of the work, because Klaus was immediately half laying on top of Five’s small body, with Five’s small arms wrapping around his shoulders and his face buried in the nook between Klaus’ neck and shoulder.

The two of them stayed silent as Klaus slowly and carefully wrapped his arms around Five’s waist and they both relaxed into place.

Eventually, Five broke the silence, his murmured words only just making their way into Klaus’ ear.

“Tell anyone about this and you’re dead.” Klaus’ body started shaking as laughter took over his body and he fell out of Five’s grip, clutching his stomach, falling on his back across Five’s covered legs (that were no longer shaking. He wasn’t sure when they’d stopped, but thank Ben that Klaus either hadn’t noticed or jut hadn’t said anything.) Five struggled upwards, pulling his legs out from underneath Klaus’ lithe form to kneel over him. “I mean it Klaus! If you tell anyone I swear you’re dead!”

“Big Bad Assassin Five has emotions! Thank the Lord! It’s a miracle!” Klaus blurted out, and by now, Five was sure he had awoken Diego at the very least, maybe even Vanya (now she had her powers back, she was way too sensitive to any sounds. It had made it hard to try and surprise her now but also meant she was a much lighter sleeper than they’d all remembered her as.)

“Klaus shut up! It’s too early for you to wake up everyone with this shit!” Five shouted back, ignoring the fact that he was probably being even louder than his (big) brother. His statement, however, was contradicted by the fact he was smiling, a much bigger and truer smile than he had ever before (it seemed more like childish glee in this body, however, he couldn’t bring himself to care. They were finally starting to act like siblings. It had only taken some failed time travel, Reginald dying and averting the apocalypse.)

#ao3 to tumblr #ao3 writer #writing #my fic #the umbrella academy #klaus umbrella academy #five hargreeves

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meltedmercury · 2 years

Text

My nickname in the UC discord was ‘aster but diagnosed’ and now that Amelia has acknowledged it I want to talk about why.

Minor spoilers for Unprepared Casters Arc 4.

Aster (no last name) has ADHD, and it is a major part of why he ended up leaving home.

Adhd is often seen as “haha this person talks too much and can’t sit still in class”, both in society in general and fandom spaces. People don’t talk about executive dysfunction- being unable to start or complete a task, even if it’s not a difficult one- or emotional dysregulation (compounded by frequent negative feedback from adults and peers) or pretty much anything other than impulse control issues.

Aster does lack impulse control, but he also has other signs and symptoms of ADHD that I won’t get into because I haven’t relistened to the arc yet.

These struggles are a prime excuse for the way Aster and Quinn’s parents treat them. I believe it’s called the golden child / scapegoat dynamic. Aster’s mistakes, mess-ups, and symptoms are treated as irredeemable character flaws. He is constantly unfavorably compared to his twin sister Quinn, who herself is harmed by 1) witnessing her brother, who she loves, being mistreated and 2) knowing (consciously or subconsciously) that her parents’ love is conditional upon her being well-behaved and accomplished. In other circumstances, Quinn and Aster could have ended up resenting each other for the family dynamic. The fault lies with their parents, who have failed to recognize and support their children as individuals with unique needs.

Aster is traumatized from being emotionally neglected in this way, but he is also traumatized by the experience of having an unnamed, invisible disability. He, too, has internalized the idea that he is the problem, that he will always be judged as a failure and deserves said judgement for not functioning as well as people like Quinn. His anger issues are an obvious result of this. Aster has ‘leaned in’ to his reputation as a troublemaker as an attempt to take control of the narrative, an overcorrection for likely years of trying and failing to live up to his parents standards. Feeling hopeless to improve, he gives in to his impulsivity, feeling like he has little to lose now. Is this healthy or productive? No. But he lacks literally any support system other than Quinn and some of their friends. They’re all just teens. No adults seem to care about Aster’s well-being, only about his rule breaking.

Even in a world where ADHD was a known thing and Aster had been diagnosed, it’s a lifelong disability. You don’t grow out of it and there is no cure. Aster’s parents would likely still treat him unsympathetically. “We pay for your medication, we got you a special education plan, we’re doing everything we can to help you.” “We just need you to put in the effort that everyone else is putting in.” It’s pretty much impossible to get non-disabled people to understand what it’s like having a disability. Shitty parents are going to be shitty parents, no matter the reason or pattern.

I don’t really have a conclusion to this, other than Haley did a fantastic job with this character and I wish I was a blue tiefling who could throw knives.

#aster unprepared casters #unprepared casters arc 4 #arc 4 spoilers #adhd #actually adhd #emotional abuse #unprepared casters

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astererer · 6 months

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AUTHENTICITY , APPRECIATION, MEANING, and PURPOSE for Vernon, Shoko, and Diego?

Ask meme here!!

This got… long. So, so long…. so answers are under the cut lol

AUTHENTICITY - What are sub- and unconscious things that make them who they are? Who can they be themselves with, and who do they wear a mask for? What kinds of social roles do they perform?

Diego

Has a subconscious drive to avoid boredom. This culminates in his inability to hold down a job for more than a few months (he’s a temp worker in name only, rather than being part of a temp agency he just hops from job to job every few months), stirring up drama where there isn’t any and poor impulse control. Getting an A the same way as everyone else isn’t enough for him, he needs to do things in a way that’s unconventional and fun.

His need for entertainment and to find things interesting in order to engage with them does give Diego some positive qualities. He got into cooking because eating the same meal constantly is not an enjoyable way to stay nourished, so he started experimenting with different flavour profiles and recipes to the point that he’s become a genuinely skilled cook. He’s also open minded and a generally creative thinker.

Diego’s always putting up a mask and hiding some part of himself from other people. Part because he’s often lying or purposefully vague in conversations, part because he just doesn’t feel a need to share personal stuff with others. If he ever finds someone he can truly be himself around it’s gonna be his future spouse.

Diego certainly performs social roles, but the particulars change regularly depending on whatever job he has at a given time.

Within friend groups however, he takes on a leadership role. Usually the first to suggest a night out or things to do in the group chat when everyone has the same day off work. Sometimes this becomes a problem as he can be dismissive of other people’s ideas and does not always take being disagreed with particularly well. Tends to get passive aggressive when his friends don’t cooperate with his plans.

Shoko

On a subconscious level, Shoko has a constant feeling that she needs to prove herself in some way. As a teenager this resulted in her having a rebellious phase in an attempt to prove she did not need her parents telling her what to do, despite having no idea what to do herself. Now as an adult she strives to prove that she really is capable of being independent even when she doubts herself.

Shoko mainly hides her true feelings/puts on a mask around her coworkers and her parents.

With her coworkers it is simply a matter of professionalism. They don’t need to know she’s tired all the time and she needs to present some level of authority and responsibility given her position within the bakery she works at.

In an attempt to repair her relationship with her parents Shoko had to be honest about her feelings and why she was such a brat, but began to feel a need to come across as more responsible/capable at ‘adult things’ than she feels she really is so that they do not worry about her. Does not let them know what her fears and anxieties are as she does not want to cause them more trouble than she already did as a teenager.

She also puts up a mask around her girlfriend to an extent, as she feels like she has to be extra reliable around her. Tina is much more put together and glamorous than Shoko is, which is fine, Shoko likes that about her, but she feels like she is floundering sometimes and does not like to appear weak in front of people she cares about. So she tries to put on a front that she’s got her shit in order to the same level as Tina, even when she feels like she doesn’t.

That being said her only true confidant is probably Vernon. They’ve known each other since she first landed in Galar and joined his school, and have developed a sibling adjacent relationship. He stuck by her when she started acting out as a teenager and they’ve both been one another’s shoulders to cry on after breakups and so on.

Shoko’s social roles are as follows:

Within her family she is simultaneously a daughter and a provider, in that she helps financially support her parents due to both of them being retired and needing extra money on top of their pensions to get by.

In wider society she has the roles of a baker first, pokemon trainer second. She’s a commis baker, so reports directly to the head baker and is responsible for making some of the more complex desserts and pastries. Her pokemon are primarily assistants at her job and have been trained accordingly, with the exception of her Flareon (more of a house pet) and her mother’s Torkoal (looking after him in her parents’ stead).

Within her friend group she takes on a more passive role of a follower, not particularly interested in making major decisions for other people and happy to go along with other people’s plans. Used to have a more active role in her relationships but mellowed out after finishing school and getting a job.

Vernon

Vern’s subconscious pushes him to help and take care of people. It’s what makes him feel useful. Likely stems from when Aster was born and Vernon taking the role of big brother really seriously after being told by his parents to help look out for her as he grows up. After 14 years of doing exactly that up until Aster left Galar (and to an extent afterwards from a distance, calling her regularly to make sure she was still alive), he felt like something was missing. Initially coped by redirecting all his attention to his team, doting on his pokemon like his own children.

This drive to make sure the people and pokemon around him are okay makes him particularly vigilant in his job as a cabbie and generally well suited to service oriented work. Less people-pleasing and more just gets a sense of satisfaction out of knowing he’s helped people have a good day or night.

Puts up a mask around most people, particularly the passengers he ferries around, but also some of his friends.

With passengers, it is a case of professionalism. He’ll maintain a polite and well-mannered front no matter what, even if he has to deal with someone he’d like to punch in the face. Vernon’s job is important to him and he enjoys helping people, so he will do what he can to maintain an image of good service regardless of his personal opinions of those he interacts with.

With friends, Vernon will put up a mask in order to play the role of Group Mother. He holds back on some of his interests and makes sure to listen more than talk so that others don’t feel left out and generally prioritises the needs of his friends above his own. The kind of guy that is well-liked, trusted by the group and generally relied on but most of his friends do not actually know much about him beyond what he shows on the surface.

Meanwhile he’s very much himself with his family. His parents raised him in a way that he does not feel a need to hide anything from them, and they also encouraged him to explore his interests freely without judgement. The Delaney family home was always an incredibly relaxed environment, so he’s never felt a pressure to put up a front when at home. His relationship with Aster has always been close, albeit Vernon took on a protector role during their childhood and teen years until she left Galar. Over the years their relationship has developed into a close bond where barring intimate relationship details they share pretty much everything with each other. He’s still protective from afar though.

Vernon’s only friend that he doesn’t put up a front around is, as already mentioned, Shoko. They’re one another’s oldest friends and have been through a lot together. She’s the only non-relative that Vern feels he can truly put his guard down around.

For social roles, Vernon fits primarily into being a sibling and a cabbie.

He may not spend a lot of physical time with his sister, being in separate regions, but Vernon still feels a need to look out for her. Checks in regularly to make sure she’s doing okay, but also takes opportunities to mess with her the way siblings do. Aster gives as good as she takes and causes Vern no end of fond annoyance too.

Being a cabbie is both Vern’s job and technically his trainer class as well (assuming those apply outside of the games lol). He helps others get from points A to B through the skies, and takes pride in being able to do so. Not much of a pokemon trainer though. His only battle ready pokemon are his Corviknight and Oinkologne. One is his work partner and therefore cannot risk being seriously injured, the other does not listen to his commands and stays at home, keeping his other, much weaker, companion pokemon safe from Diego’s Ekans.

Within his friend group Vernon takes on a caretaker role. Holds back on nights out to make sure everyone else can get home safe, checks in on friends to make sure they’re doing okay and also calls them out when they’ve crossed a line on something.

APPRECIATION — What kind of accomplishments do they recognise? What things do they find beautiful or attractive? Which of their senses do they find most joy engaging with?

Diego

Tends not to dwell on accomplishments and achievements for the most part. Has more of a ‘good job, onto the next thing’ sort of mindset. When he does though, Diego recognises accomplishments less on what the achievement is and more on how it’s done. Not just with acknowledging his own, but other people’s too. Will be happy for his friends if they accomplish something through an ‘honest’ method, he’s not about to rain on anyone’s parade, but conventional methods just aren’t interesting to him and will be far more invested in someone else’s successes if there’s an interesting story behind it.

Finds beauty in snake pokemon. Finds their sleekness and the way they move is very elegant and their more standoffish personalities interesting. Also likes how some of them look wrapped around his arms. Living fashion accessories. Only other thing he really stops to appreciate the beauty of is whatever new high he experiences from trying something out for the first time. Kind of a zest for life sort of thing.

Gets enjoyment from engaging with all of his senses, being someone who gets off on experiencing new forms of stimulation whenever possible he will try anything if it will make him feel or experience something new. Whether that’s trying new food, sampling the occasional powder or two, going on a long hike or just reading an obscure book he’s never heard of before. Man’s open to all kinds of things. Taste is probably the one most consistently engaged with though since he’s the one cooking most of the meals in the flat.

Shoko

Recognises small accomplishments. Did she get out of bed and start work on time? Did she have a decent meal for lunch? Has she done the necessary care for her pokemon for the day? Each step of Shoko’s routine is something she quietly acknowledges as a task completed. Helps getting through the day when she’s constantly feeling exhausted.

Sees beauty in her work. Making desserts and pastries is just a job to Shoko, but seeing the finished results when she pulls a batch out the oven is always satisfying to her. The one thing she takes pride in is the level of skill and artistry she needs in order to create multiple treats that are perfectly uniform from scratch. Doesn’t have time to admire her handiwork for long, but likes to take a moment when she can.

Finds the most joy in pleasant smells. Being surrounded by food all day leaves her somewhat indifferent to scents like baked bread and chocolate. While she finds them pleasant she isn’t crazy about them anymore. The change from stepping outside the bakery to out into the open air at the end of a shift is always incredibly refreshing. Type to use scented candles when having a bath when she gets home from work, sometimes treating herself with a bath bomb too. Prefers natural floral and herbal scents like lavender as opposed to the artificial sugary ones.

Vernon

Vern recognises pretty much any and all things his friends accomplish. Won’t be like “Wow that’s amazing I’m so proud of you” or otherwise heavy on the praise, more an understated “Oh you got the promotion? Nice work”. Keeps it lowkey but is very supportive. Buys the friend a drink or two.

With his own accomplishments, Vernon is even more low key. Tends not to brag or tell others unless it’s something major. He’s a pretty modest guy at the end of the day.

Sees beauty in the past. Constantly looking through history and experiencing second hand nostalgia for times he wasn’t even alive for.

Finds the most joy from the sense of touch. Not just from physically holding or running his hands through/over things, but other physical sensations too, such as the ones that come with flying on the back of his Corviknight.

MEANING — Where do they believe they fit in the world around them? What provides them comfort? Do they think about their daily life and routine? Are they satisfied?

Diego

Sees himself as kind of an outsider, and is fine with that. He’s weird. He’s a weirdo. You ever see him without a snake wrapped around his arm? That’s weird. Nah but really he knows he doesn’t really fit into “normal” society — uninterested in having a stable job, not a fan of the Galar League or the general fervour for battling that’s pervasive throughout the region’s culture, and regardless of whether he considers himself shady or not, he has a habit of hanging out with that kind of people.

Finds comfort in spending some time by himself. Loves spending time with others, of course, but is actually an introvert at heart and needs to spend some time in self-imposed isolation every so often.

Doesn’t keep much of a routine as he’s pretty impulsive. Only thing he does on a regular basis is cooking dinner for the flat nearly every night. His timing on when he cooks isn’t the most consistent though.

Pretty satisfied with his life. Enjoys being able to do what he likes whenever he likes.

Shoko

Shoko sees herself as kind of just. Existing. She has a life and is just trying to get by lol.

Finds comfort in sleep and warm baths. Soaking in the tub after a hard day’s work then swaddling herself in a fluffy dressing gown then crawling into bed is her favourite way to relax.

Most of Shoko’s routine is pretty much done on autopilot. At work she’s very much on the ball, but the rest of her day is carried out with little thought. Just doesn’t have the energy to think too hard about deviating from her routine, will rely on her friends and girlfriend to come up with things to do.

Not the most satisfied with her life, knows she has a lot of stuff to work on and is frustrated with herself for feeling so worn out so often.

Vernon

Vern feels like he’s just an average guy and he’s happy that way. Doesn’t need to be centre of attention, just needs to be good at his job and spend time with the people he cares about.

Is comforted by spending time with his pokemon. Likes to curl up in bed or on the sofa and cuddle with them while reading a book, or spend some time giving his guys little spa treatments.

Daily life and routine is thought out and planned. Keeps a diary planner to stay on top of any events coming up and potential changes to routine. Has a structure to his day/night; what he does first thing when he wakes up, when he starts and finishes his time at work, has a specific window of time where he’ll usually call his sister to see how she’s doing.

Pretty satisfied with his life, all he really needs now is the stability and relationship to start a family. That’s something he’s willing to take his time with though, love can’t be forced and finding a place to move into with a partner requires a lot of time and planning.

PURPOSE — What kind of goals do they have to look forward to? What are their internal goals (having a good relationship, being a certain kind of person, etc.)? What are their external goals (making money, being admired)?

Diego

Diego’s main internal goal is just to have a good time. Doesn’t think too far ahead and is focused on experiencing new things. Would like a committed relationship at some point, but isn’t in a rush to find the right person to do that with. Happy to just fool around for now and isn’t interested in planning ahead.

His external goal is just to make enough money to fuel his lifestyle and keep a roof over his head. Isn’t looking to change anything about his life just yet.

Shoko

Shoko’s internal goals are to improve her relationship with her parents, which is currently an ongoing process, and to be more on top of her work-life balance. She currently expends the vast majority of her energy on her job and wants to find a way to change that, so that she can actually do things with her friends and partner more often.

Her external goals are about being seen as responsible and capable by others. She feels bad about being a bratty teenager, so strives to be a more respectable person now. Unfortunately with her energy levels plummeting in her early 20s due to spreading herself too thin, this has become increasingly difficult to achieve. Does not help that she refuses to ask for assistance when she’s struggling.

Vernon

His internal goals revolve around his interpersonal relationships. Get rid of the people in his life he dislikes, while making sure the people he loves are doing well and that he can look out for them when needed. Currently a bit difficult to achieve the first thing as he lives with Diego who he is lukewarm on at best, and some of the other people he dislikes are friends with some of his friends. So he can’t really cut off all the people he wants to at the moment.

Also has a desire to start a family once he settles down with a life partner. Preferably his children would be biologically his and his partner’s, but if that isn’t possible for whatever reason he would be fine with adoption. Just wants to raise a family in the future.

Vernon’s external goals meanwhile revolve around his career and education. Once he’s settled down and ready to start a family, he intends to switch from the region-wide cabbie service and night shifts to Wyndon’s dedicated cabbie service during the day, with more normal hours.

Wants to continue with higher education after he’s finished his BA too. Definitely a Masters, but unsure about going for a PhD. That will depend on what else is going on in his life at the time. He has to do all his degrees part time, after all.

#SORRY THIS TOOK FOREVER TO FINISH LMAO #oc vernon #oc diego #oc shoko #ask meme #rip consistency some of these got very long answers and others did not at all lol

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sun-undone · 2 years

Text

OBX details that make me feral (13/?)

The hot tub scene because as a JJ stan I am legally required to make a post about it

So many amazing things have been written and created about this scene, but I wanted to just add whatever I could to the discussion! (only 2 years late to the party i know i know)

Why does JJ spend the money in the first place?

Since I've been on a spree of looking at JJ's behaviors through a psychological lens, I feel like this scene is definitely one of the most interesting to analyze from that perspective.

I talked a lot about defense mechanisms in my previous post about 1x07, and pretty much all of those concepts are important to keep in mind when thinking about this scene. When trying to understand JJ's mindset and motivations, it's absolutely necessary to look back at the day as a whole and remember the emotional turmoil that he's experienced just in this one day alone (this whole show takes place over the course of like a month so even more reason to get all these kids into therapy STAT). Because of all the emotional baggage that has built up throughout the day, JJ is in desperate need of some relief. But since he's not exactly the best at relieving his distress in a healthy way, his "relief" comes in the form of defense mechanisms, which really just shield him from properly feeling the force of the emotions that are weighing on him.

Acting out

I talked about acting out before, and I feel like the overall definition of this one is the most self-explanatory. This defense is one of the most immature and least adaptive because it is often self-destructive; it causes even more problems.

We know that JJ generally has a pretty jaded, negative view of himself and his future, and the events of the day have probably brought all of those feelings right up to the surface. After having the argument with the Pogues, he undoubtedly feels like a fuck-up for disappointing his friends, and I would imagine that the fight with Luke only makes him feel even lower. Each of those blows to his self-image, one right after the other, definitely makes him think, "well who cares if I blow all the money?? I'm gonna end up alone and in jail anyway".

Another interesting aspect of his acting out is how exactly he decides to do it: he impulsively wastes all of the money and gets smashed. Which is pretty much what Luke wanted to do with the money (technically, he said he was gonna gamble it, but i'll argue that that's functionally the same thing as wasting it).

I just think it's so telling that JJ decides to self-destruct in a way that aligns himself with his father's own self-destructive tendencies. We've seen JJ get high a bunch already in this season, especially during/right after stressful situations (vaping after the first square groupers encounter in 1x02, smoking to "relax and lay low" when they go to the graveyard in 1x02/1x03, etc.) so he could've easily gotten high instead of drunk in this scene too, but nope. He specifically gets drunk, just like we saw Luke do in 1x05 after bailing JJ out of jail. Which brings me to the self-fulfilling prophecy part of all this.

Self-fulfilling prophecy

Pretty sure this one isn't considered a defense or a coping mechanism, but it's more of just a general concept that I definitely think is influencing the specific way in which JJ acts out in this scene. It's more like the lens through with the defenses are filtered.

In case anyone doesn't know, a self-fulfilling prophecy is basically when you have a certain belief, so you subconsciously act in a way that makes the people around you respond in a way that confirms that original belief. A classic example is a teacher labeling a student as an underachiever early on in the semester. Without realizing that they're doing it, that teacher might not call on the student as often or give them the attention that they'd give to other students. And because of that treatment, the student will likely stop trying to achieve in the class, which confirms the teacher's original belief that the student was an underachiever all along.

In JJ's case, he absolutely holds the beliefs (courtesy of Luke) that he will never amount to anything, that he's worthless, and that he's just a bad kid in general. And these ideas have been brought up throughout the day via John B saying "If you keep going down this road, you're gonna end up just like your dad", the Pogues saying that they're "sick of [his] shit", and of course Luke physically and emotionally beating him down afterwards.

(gif from @tweedlydumbtweedlydoo)

So with all of these moments fresh in his mind at the end of a very emotionally taxing day, he embodies the exact version of himself that he does not want to be.

JJ wants to be better than his father, so he copes just like how Luke would, by blowing a bunch of money and getting drunk. He desperately wants to do the right thing and to be loved by the Pogues, so he does the exact wrong thing that he knows will make them disappointed in him.

The fact that he reacts in a way that facilitates confirmation of his worst qualities by the people he loves most just makes the scene that much more heartbreaking. And it also makes me think that maybe a part of him, deep down and far away from conscious awareness, wants to let himself hit his lowest point so he can break down and finally allow himself to be comforted. He can’t directly open up to the Pogues because he’s emotionally closed off (in general, but even more so in this moment because of all the compiled stress of the day). But he can open up in a much more indirect (and not super healthy) way by going off the rails and being the worst version of himself that he can be, hoping that maybe they’ll realize themselves that something is seriously wrong, which is basically what happens.

Reaction formation and denial

I talked about this neurotic defense a bit in a previous post about jiara, and I think it's potentially back to haunt us (me) here. The short version of the concept is that sometimes, when people are hurting emotionally and feel like they have to hide their true feelings, they'll act in the complete opposite way of their impulse.

This one might be a stretch and more a consequence of him being smashed than anything else, but the way that JJ acts so excited and carefree at the beginning of this scene just screams reaction formation to me. He should be acting super dejected because that's the behavior that would match the internal emotion, but nope. He's making jokes and brushing off Kie and Pope's frustrations like they're nothing (at least to a certain point). Maybe this is just me, but even when I imagine him buying all the shit and stringing up the lights, I imagine that he's doing it "happily" as a way to convince himself that everything's fine and that he's living the life.

It's also likely that there's just some plain old denial going on here as well, which contributes to the whole "push every emotion down and everything will be fine" mentality that he definitely seems to portray as the scene progresses.

Either way, I feel like the irony in the way that JJ is acting makes the scene so chilling and unsettling, because we know that he is hurting so badly right now, but he's all smiles. And once again, this could be the alcohol making him act like this, rather than a defense mechanism, but why not a combination of the two?

He's literally just so tired/the hot tub is a metaphor dude

Every single explanation really just makes this scene even more depressing jesus christ

But yeah this last one isn't a defense (but it could potentially be considered a coping mechanism?? i really don't know), it's just the fact that in this moment, on top of all these other reasons for why he does what he does, I think he's also just fucking tired of being poor. And even more tired of being a Maybank.

This is a frustration of JJ's that we do see crop up consistently throughout the season, as he's usually the first one to bring up any wealth discrepancies and seems to be hyperaware of his incredibly low status on the island, even more so than the other low income Pogues. And more specifically in the context of 1x07, this idea is definitely salient in light of all the shit they've gone through to try to get the gold pawned off, and then later when JJ screams at Luke for giving him "nothing but a shitty life".

Along with his more personal insecurities weighing down on him throughout the day, he also has to grapple with the fact that the reason why he and the rest of the Pogues have already had to deal with so much shit is because of money. They've never experienced the ease that money can provide, and right about now, that ease sounds really nice to JJ.

I mean, it's a goddamn hot tub, the pinnacle of relaxation and luxurious ease. What a perfectly symbolic thing for JJ to gift to himself and his friends (family) in light of such a shitty, harrowing day.

One more thing about him just wanting to experience some luxury for once in his life: I adore how this is the only scene (i think in the entire series?) where he's not wearing his signature shark tooth necklace. And he's swapped it out for a fancy gold necklace instead, which is even further evidence for him trying to “try on” a different lifestyle and at least momentarily detach from the tribulations of his own life as a Pogue and as a Maybank.

Some quick color theory analysis that might be complete bullshit

This is just something that I noticed once, and ever since that rewatch (idek what number it was) I haven't been able to unsee it, so I just have to mention it even if some of it is a tad bit contrived.

So the lights in and around the hot tub are constantly shifting through blue, green, and red in this scene, and since obx actually despises continuity, it's hard to say that there's distinct color theory going on throughout the entire scene. BUT in one particular segment, I'd argue that either by coincidence or by some lighting person making a good call, the colors actually do line up pretty well with the emotions that JJ is expressing.

Broad strokes: I think blue symbolizes sad vulnerability, red symbolizes angry vulnerability, and green is just more of a transitional color between the two. (all of these gifs are from @aceofwhump btw!!)

So here you can see the lights fading from green to blue as JJ's walls come down. He seems unable to deflect away from his sadness anymore, and as soon as Kie offers him comfort, he just lets himself completely fall into it. Yes, the light fades again into red once Kie embraces him but uhhhhh can we just ignore that please it doesn't fit into my agenda and it also switches pretty quickly (jarringly) once they cut to the next angle

And then here, on this longer shot of JJ just crying and holding onto Kie, the lights are mostly blue, which reflects his most vulnerable, dejected emotions pouring through.

But when he shifts from pure sadness to express more of his anger and frustration with Luke, the lights have very obviously shifted to a pretty stark red.

And then the lights shift one more time from red to blue as JJ returns to a less angry, more sad kind of vulnerability, this time being comforted by both Kie and Pope.

Does all of it fit? No. Do I care that much? Obviously not. The main part that I thought was cool and potentially intentional is the red lighting in the third gif, and then I just based everything else around that particular moment.

(once again, i know so many people have said so many amazing things about this scene, so i hope that even just one part of this was original!!)

((if you read all of this you're the best 🥰 i think we're finally done with 1x07 oh my god i never thought i'd say it but i am sick of that episode and i will not be watching it again for at least.....a couple of weeks))

previous post // next post

#sof thinks too much about obx #jj maybank #obx s1 #obx season 1 #outer banks #rudy pankow #kiara carrera #john b routledge #the pogues #pope heyward

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tojikai · 2 years

Note

Hello Kai! Here’s another excellent update! This time, I’m only going to talk about parts that I feel the most strongly so it might not be as long as my previous ask LOL.

I know I said in your ask box that we were about to feast on Rie’s tears, and we did! But after finishing this update, it feels like a little side treats to me bc what and how Rie thinks about this situation no longer matter. Simply speaking, it’s over. IT’S FUCKING OVER FOR HER. The curtain is lower now, Rie. Time to go bye-bye 😊.

I love how all this time, chapter 6 and chapter 7 are mirrored all the events in chapter 1 to chapter 4, and chapter 7, especially, is where this fucked up love triangle between Satoru, Rie, and Y/N is put to an end.

“He's been in a pinch since the night he kissed Rie, and a week after that, he broke up with you.”

You know, I’m pretty soft for Satoru at this point bc I’m glad that he has finally understood everything and realized the weight and consequences that he has to face for his actions. But whenever I’m reminded of the fact he jumped ship so quickly after meeting Rie, the hater in me surfaces again lol. I can’t say that I have experienced half the things that happened with Y/N, but you were able to put me in her shoes and make me empathize with her bc I know for sure that I wouldn’t let my ex return to me that easily if this was how fast he left me. But since Satoru has actually realized how impulsive he was, I want to believe that this Satoru we have now is very different from the one 2 months ago bc the emotional rollercoaster he experienced must surely rewire his brain and knock him down a peg lol.

"We need to talk, Rie." Hearing her boyfriend says her name made the movements of her hand pause. She looked at him with her mouth slightly ajar and her eyes filled with worry and shock. He rarely calls her by her name.

Okay, so this is where the breakup scene starts.

Once again, a bit off-topic but I find it interesting that Satoru only calls his girlfriend by nicknames and not their real name. At the same time, maybe I’m just used to consuming Japanese media but I find the use of real names, especially first names, feels much more intimate. Then again, I can see why using someone’s real name (full name especially) can make the person using it feel much more serious than they usually are. Just a thought.

This time, Satoru and Rie's breakup is parallel to the one he had with Y/N.

She's heard him speak your name a couple of times, but that's something that she'll always be ready to push aside and forget.

Unlike Y/N who got dumped without any warning whatsoever, Rie, subconsciously, already saw the signs of the end but she willingly ignored it to give into this false hope that she and Satoru would “get through” this even though what they have is nothing compared to a 5-years bond. Despite my general animosity for her, Rie is so pitiful at this point. People lie to others all the time but I think nothing is sadder than seeing someone lying to themselves. It’s pathetic yet miserable to witness that.

Also, what makes this breakup different from Y/N’s is that Satoru actually confesses his wrongdoing. For Y/N, it feels horrible bc it likes he didn’t care enough about her feeling to be upfront to her, but I think it’s rather the opposite here. Like I said before, I think he was trying to protect her and preserve their bond by not telling the truth. He clearly values his relationship with Y/N much more than with Rie, evidently with how he didn’t have much problem revealing the cheating to the latter. Why is that? That’s because he actually knows what he wants now and he wants to end things for real this time. So as much as it’s hard to believe, Satoru did grow because I don’t think past him is capable of this.

"Why?" Her voice came out as a whisper as she looked down, mouth twitching as she tried to hold back her cries. "Why did you suddenly want her again, Satoru?"

"I…We had sex."

I chuckled at this part, not because I find pleasure in it or whatever, but it’s because the way he says it is so horrible, awkward, and frankly, hilarious. It can’t get any more embarrassing than this. In the end, lying to herself cost Rie so many things. What I find different about Rie and Y/N's situation after the breakup is that, unlike Y/N who has Shoko and Suguru, Rie has no one to turn to after this. She’s not only bitchless, but she’s also friendless. Of course, I don’t feel bad for her because she brought this to herself and I’m sure she knows it very well, but I can see why she was so desperate to keep Satoru no matter how much others suffer for it.

Wow, the confrontation between Rie and Y/N went off without a hitch. It was so peaceful and I’m happy that it turned out like that. I don’t want these two to fight for Hoejo's pathetic ass anymore. I have enough of that in the initial chapters.

I’m kinda relief to see Suguru and Shoko not being mad at Y/N as much as I thought. It’s understandable why Shoko is more pissed but Suguru? Man, all hail Kai for giving us this sexy man WOOF WOOF. He was so ready to fight for Y/N’s honor ADLASDKSLKAASKDILOVEHIMSM!!!! And the pool scene??? I was so giddy reading that part. Want to drown myself just so he can save me LMFAOSDLSKJDASDADKASJ. And Nanami??? Sneaky, aren’t we? Hehehehe. But I guess this is as much as we can get from Mr. Nanami, being his coworker and all, unless….

Okay, but seriously, in Y/N’s first scene with Suguru, as much as this will break Suguru x Y/N shippers’ hearts, I don’t think they will end up with each other because on Y/N part, she only sees him as a very close friend and hell, she still thinks about Satoru at the end of it. Y/N is in a better state of mind now so even if Suguru makes a move on her, I doubt she would accept it. Her heart is still with someone else ☹. And what she wants the most right now is stability, not a relationship.

Unfortunately, God (Kai) decided that she can’t catch a break just yet because... TADAH! A FUCKING BABY is waiting for her ahead. Like, I have never thought about pregnancy and shit bc it feels a bit cliché for this fic but damn, I didn’t think you would actually use it ADLSDKADALKSDJSD. I mean, of course, of course, how can Satoru redeem himself in the last two chaps and an epilogue if this didn’t happen? I feel baffled but mostly, I am amused. I feel a bit bad for Y/N though because she thought peace had come at last but then BAM! B.A.B.Y. Hoje-to-Dadjo redemption arc is it then. Okay, honestly, I’m so weak for Dadjo. My all-time favorite JJK fics are always Satoru being a dad. You’re so dirty for hitting me with this. And I can’t help but love it even though I still think Satoru needs to grieve more, just saying.

I also like that you made Satoru want to get back to Y/N on his own accord first and not because she’s pregnant or some shit like that. Now that she may be pregnant, he has more of a reason to get closer to her now and I have no doubt that once he catches wind of it, he will cling to Y/N even more. This is either a good or a bad thing, depending on how you feel about him lol. I also see that many are not pleased with Y/N’s possible pregnancy and honestly, I think it’s perfect, only because it may address her massive issue with her neglectful parents. You said Y/N always wanted kids so there’s no way she will get rid of the baby,… I think. She will probably keep it and unlike her shitty parents, she will be a good mother to it. I just think having Satoru’s baby is not as bad as some people imagined it to be because it might have a positive effect on both Y/N’s and Satoru’s growth as a character. Y/N can learn to deal with her mommy and daddy issues while Satoru can learn to be more mature and a responsible adult. I’m just a sucker for character development, okay? (1/2)

you're so right about his brain being rewired😭 consequence after consequence, like it's a domino effect of what he's done from that night really taught him lessons. And yeah, what Rie (and also Satoru) has been doing all this time is make the rs work. like i mean that's how it's supposed to be but for it to get to the point where one would make excuses for things like calling the ex partner's name in their sleep? that's just really sad. tbh, that's just desperation. that's where their desperation shows. they want to be the perfect new couple so much that they try to downplay things that could never be and should never be downplayed, truly pitiful :(( Rie thought satoru could give her the love and affection that she has beenn craving for so long, it made her do and say things that a decent person wouldn't. in the end, it all backlashed. That's why during their confrontation, rie couldnt really get angry. she sees it as karma finally catching up to her. Shoko really got one nerve popping on her forehead that time, she just cant take it all out on yn bc of how it all happened and Suguru, i enjoyed writing his scenes so much😩 and nanami, ofc he's got a role to play too !! just not like Suguru's but kinda LMAO i cant explain it. and suguru and yn's first scene, yeah it's sad. she's really infatuated by suguru but she can't help but connect everything to satoru. As for pregnancy, it's really cliche. esp. as traps which im not so fond of LMAO so i dont really plan on using it like that :>

#🍭—kaitalks #f: permanent mark

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