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why-this-kolaveri-machi · 3 years

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we are our family, even if we don’t want to be.

Titans 3.07

a bit over halfway through the season, and we still don’t have all of our main characters on the board! i love this show.

as always, typing this up as i watch. live reaction, baby! *shadowboxes*

SPOILERS AHEAD

1. i don’t think i’ve mentioned this before, but i kinda miss the old ‘dc universe’ intro. it was cool! the whole idea of it was wild and waaaaay over-ambitious, but also very very on-brand because of it.

2. this is... the third time we’ve seen dick sleeping this season? that’s a record! checking another thing off my s3 wishlist...

2.5. i guess i rag on titans all the time for its wafer-thin plotting and bad pacing, but i have to admit that this season has been a step-up from the last one in this regard. titans has very reactive rather than proactive protagonists, and a lot of the last season seemed to be: x happened, the team reacted badly, then y happened, they reacted badly, etc. this time around, it’s not a huge leap up by any means, but at least they’re doing something about it.

i do appreciate the focus on character arcs over everything else. and when i say everything else, i mean it: arcs that started two seasons ago with no big cathartic moments, intermittent payoff and multiple relapses. big bads have ranged from interdimensional demons to superpowered assassins to whatever in the world scarecrow is, but trigon’s big weapon against the titans was to... use their worst fears against them. slade’s was to... use their fears to break them up. crane’s is to... use red hood to use their fears to break them up. even the threat of gotham’s citizens being in danger doesn’t feel real: gotham is mythologised into an entity of its own, infecting our heroes like a parasite. like. this is not to say that most other superhero media aren’t big character arcs intertwined with the main plot, but titans doesn’t even make pretend that it’s anything but.

anyway. that’s my entry #2345 to ‘give a grand unifying theory for titans’. thanks. i’ll be back with more.

3. “anger is just fear in a little black dress.” god I HATE HIM

(what’s he doing with barbara’s likeness? oh... oh god. a terrible thought just occurred to me. what if they introduce hush at the very last minute for plastic surgery shenanigans? would you put it past this show?)

3.5. jason, nooooooooo

3.75. i mean, they’re making it very clear here that scarecrow is the one in control--the one who’s always been in control--and is manipulating jason and literally poisoning him, but i hope it doesn’t end up erasing nuance or jason’s autonomy. if jason’s to reckon with the issues that brought him here, then the lines of responsibility will need to be set somewhere.

(this applies to dick as well but more on that later, i guess.)

4. just--the phrase “40% loss of income” is so funny to me. like, gotham is full of these larger-than-life characters who are idiosyncratic beyond belief, colourful and dramatic and creating chaos just for the sake of chaos, and then there’s the regular criminals and their henchmen who just want to make a quick buck sitting down with pie charts and graphs, griping about the joker reducing their returns or debating high risk investments in, i don’t know, two-face’s next scheme.

“yyyyeeeeeaaah, my financial advisor is telling me that going all-in with a guy who literally makes decisions on the flip of a coin is probably not the greatest idea.”

4.5. god i hate smug!smarmy!scarecrow so much

4.85. as big plans to “control” gotham go, it’s pretty bog-standard. clearly scarecrow has some bigger plan in mind but it really feels like we’ve got no clear insight into him and he’s this generic creepy mystery-man who knows more than he lets on and springs a twist/cliffhanger every now and then. i liked the scenes with him and dick in 3.04 where it seemed like he was genuinely on the backfoot and things weren’t going as he predicted. for all of his faults, dick is at least familiar with scarecrow’s bullshit and knows not to give what he wants.

5. i mean... i see where dick is coming from with the “he’s not jason anymore; he’s red hood” because his immediate glaring concern is scarecrow’s drug and the damage it could potentially cause gotham? i do not doubt that it’s something batman drilled into him, too, but when you’re expected to take point on a situation where the lives of an entire city weigh down on your shoulders, it’s better to simplify things and prioritise. i’m not saying it’s great or healthy! gar is absolutely right to consider this facet of the situation. it’s just dick can’t.

6. hmmmmmmm. HMMMMMMMMMMM.

i don’t know that i’m super fond of this iteration of oracle???? it looks like a cross between cerebro from x-men and jarvis from iron man. it’s giving me second-hand embarrassment. somebody help me.

(at least they remembered dick’s middle name is actually “john”. i like to think bruce printed D in that contract because for a while he genuinely thought richard “dick” grayson was his full name. duck duck goose, dick dick grayson, i don’t know alfred, the kid was in a circus, maybe they thought it was funny. or maybe it was a test in anger control, who knows.)

6.5 “maybe you two would like some time alone?” even AI can’t help hitting on dick grayson in this universe.

“oh mr grayson, if i only had another eye to see you better...”

6.8. on one hand, it’s a bit disconcerting that the title of ‘oracle’ has gone from barbara herself to this gigantic machine; from my impression of the comics-verse, barbara had an extensive computing and surveillance system, true, but she was very clearly the brains behind the operation. on the other hand, i’m kind of glad that the ethical boundaries that this kind of surveillance violates is a sticking point for barbara. (tho let’s be real, the nsa would kill to have this in their arsenal).

6.9. also it’s now obvious that scarecrow’s big plan is to take control of oracle itself. it’s why he had lady vic take that picture of her eyes, or why he’s meddling around with it on his computer.

6.95. if only i could ‘command sleep’ anybody overstepping their boundaries re: personal information...

7. “you can just sit back and watch as the titans destroy themselves.” i mean... he’s not wrong

8. “dick’s parents were killed by a criminal mob; he won’t work with them.” it’s wonderful that you have this insight into dick, kory, i just wish we could’ve watched some of these conversations actually happen on-screen.

8.5. i’m glad that kom’s being treated with such nuance and understanding, though it’s obvious that she definitely has a Plan of her own. (and did i entirely imagine her ability to mimic other people flawlessly at the end of s2? or is that going to come into play at some point?) i think her story has the potential to be genuinely poignant, and in a universe where being Different, either because of mental health or physical differences or whatever else, leads a straight line to Evil, it’s important to acknowledge and then emphasise that the mere fact of your existence as a Different Person doesn’t predispose you to evil. maybe your act of destroying a system that has destroyed you and not scrambling to “fit in” is only evil as defined by that system.

8.8. “you’re trespassing, i should call the authorities, i feel unsafe.” now this is a villain lady who’s definitely aware of her privilege.

8.85. kom smirking knowingly at her sister is everything.

“oooh that’s the kory i remember”

9. conner and dick working together woo!

9.25. god i hate a villain who’s always just a step ahead, no matter what. so crane anticipated dick using oracle to track his personal communications and set him up? how did he know when exactly dick would get to do this? how long did he have that poor man tied up in that van?

(the “save me, grayson” is a nice touch, tho. send dick spiralling even further! because if there’s one thing dick will do, it’s take responsibility for every goddamn thing that goes wrong.)

9.5. ahem. i’m going to need a million gifs of conner yeeting dick across that yard, fandom, thankyouverymuch.

(i understand conner is invulnerable to explosions, but how do his clothes survive??)

9.8. oooh crane is already in oracle! i’m just sitting here laughing helplessly because they’re overpowering this goddamned guy so much. he can build a lab in arkham’s basement! he has access to lazarus puddles! he has minions working across gotham, including a fully functional chemical laboratory staffed by chemists who only answer to him! he has the crime families of gotham quailing in his very presence! he has assassins at his beck and call! he’s enough of a manipulative bastard to have red hood under his thumb! and now he has enough of a tech know-how to not only be aware of oracle, but know how to hack into it! i’m sick of exclamation marks! i’ll shut up now!

9.95. dick leaving behind that smouldering grave for a person he failed to save without taking a second to process how he feels about it and running towards his next plan to corner scarecrow: a microcosm of where his head’s at right now.

10. really hammering in the themes of this season, aren’t we.

10.25. the interesting thing is the titans repeatedly call themselves a family this season (none more so than dick) and while that found family has helped encapsulate and put away their traumatic experiences with their ‘original’ families, it’s meant that they’ve not really dealt with those issues. and dick and gar and jason come from ‘found families’ of their own: they are twice removed, traumatised two times over. they still cling to this identity however, and because of it they’re losing each other. a family isn’t static. it’s an ever-evolving dynamic and you have to put in work constantly to keep it healthy.

10.5. anyway, that’s entry #2346. i’m here aaaalll night.

11. lookit gar the detective! half-transforming and using his powers to deduce things! what a hero! i’ve said this for a long time, but gar is the bedrock of this team, and an unsung one at that.

11.25. i’m confused about him calling this room jason’s though. it seems to me that this is dick’s room that jason later used, and one that dick’s using now. so the unmade bed isn’t really jason’s fault; dick was woken by barbara that morning, and in his hurry, he left without making his bed.

(it still confounds me that bruce didn’t find jason another bedroom in that gigantic mansion of his. you really didn’t give this kid a chance, did you?)

12. oh well. so much for the oracle.

13. ... sorry, wait. you didn’t think i wasn’t going to address the bit with dick right now, did you?

12.5. i honestly don’t think it’s very complicated: dick’s been reeling from one traumatic thing to the next, and just when it seemed like at the beginning of the season, he felt happy and secure with his team and his place in the world, bruce ups and leaves gotham to him, specifically naming him a successor and calling him a ‘better batman’. he’s lost garth and jericho and donna and jason and now hank and dawn. he’s not even sure where rachel is or what she’s doing. after being told that batman was a psychopath for moulding him into a weapon, he’s also been told that his failure to be a ‘better batman’ lead to further disaster. of course he’s going to get batman-goggles. of course he’s going to be a prick.

12.8. i don’t know what to say. i feel his frustration acutely. i don’t think he should’ve said what he said to barbara (can people stop pushing her around this season????) but that pressure to step in where your parent fails? to clean up their messes and try to think like them? to fall into habits drilled into you when you developed them as coping mechanisms growing up? I FEEL THAT.

every step he’s taking he’s putting 110% of himself in it and scarecrow’s still playing mindgames with all of them: i absolutely feel his desperation to take control of that game and turn it on scarecrow, no matter what it takes.

and he did apologise almost immediately, and finally--finally--actually works with barbara.

12.9. again, not excusing him! but i get it. and i think that’s a sign of great character writing.

“did you know i just reminded emmram of all of her daddy issues? what the fuck????”

12.95. i love that dick&barbara, kory&kom, and gar are all approaching solving this mystery from different angles, each as valid as the other. also, conner is there as... emergency bomb defuser man?

13. it’s like all fancy rich people in fancy rich houses do is pour fancy rich alcohol into fancy rich glasses on pristine, untouched tabletops. i wonder what it’s like to live like that.

13.25. I KNEW IT! poor michael. it was nice knowing you.

13.5. man, kory is contending with a lot of issues that she’s successfully bottled up and compartmentalised until now. the cold reality that a child can seek out their parents as refuge and they can view the child as a piece to be moved in a greater game (never out of cruelty, though, never, and somehow that makes it worse), that truth of blackfire’s treatment on tamaran because she’s different, and her own culpability in what happened. she exchanged one family for another, after all, and left that family to die and her sister to suffer. like dick, like gar, kory’s being forced to reckon with what the titans are meant to be, the larger implications of creating their found family in their own space.

14. it’s probably because it’s one in the morning and i’ve had two glasses of wine but i did not follow that bit of exposition at all and victor freeze??? what?

anyway. look at them solving things! together! go team!

“you made a deal with the mob?” oh the sense of betrayal on his face! fuck off, dick, your issues aren’t kory’s.

15. conner is really sweet and a bit of an awestruck crush on kom is to be expected. especially after that power rangers-esque transformation (i say this as a former huge power rangers fangirl. i’ve seen every series until 2007 including the original japanese versions and written fanfic for all of them. so i love a cool costume transformation, is what i’m saying.)

also?

FUCK YEAH

16. i love the gotham crime families just chillin’ around eating ice cream. I LOVE THEM

16.5. that was a fun fight sequence, if marred slightly by that bit of awkward flirting between conner and kom. i wonder if she’s really planning to use him in a larger scheme to get kory back to tamaran, or maybe something else.

16.75. so i’m assuming that scarecrow has jason either so paralysed by fear that he can barely move, or jason’s withdrawing from the drug that he’s been sucking in every few minutes.

17. it’s nice to see them chill after a successful mission! and it can be awkward, but conner’s crush on kom and him striving to impress her is also, well, uh... cute.

17.5. i guess the dick/barbara scene was inevitable, especially given the... unresolved nature of their relationship in the flashbacks? and they’ve been through a rollercoaster together this episode, discovering and then destroying an incredible tool within a matter of hours, re-discovering just how well they work together as a team. dick’s swimming in the nostalgia. i don’t expect it to last as a long-term relationship, but i totally get why this is happening now. and hey, they’re cute!

i have a weeeirrrrd feeling that kory is going to leave to tamaran at the end of the season and that dick and kory will rekindle--or rather realise--their relationship just before that. it’s going to be devastating and beautiful and painful and i will be writing essays about it which would be me just wailing into the screen.

18. gar found molly!!!!!!! MOLLY’S BACK! \o/ gar is the BEST

19. that was a fun episode! i love this silly show, even if it does destroy me sometimes <3

#titans #titans spoilers #meta #dick grayson #barbara gordon #koriand'r #komand'r #garfield logan #jonathan crane #conner kent #a byronic cupcake #badass strawberry truffle #manic pixie pop tart

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modern-vellichor · 4 years

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Grief, is a Beautiful Thing

Stage Two: Anger

Warnings: Grief!! Mentions of death, suicide. Loss of a major character. Battles with depression, silent tears, heart and gut wrenching sadness, minor smut just to keep you on your toes.

Series Masterlist

Anger; a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.

Eventually, after weeks of watching the front door with a longing look in your eyes, after weeks of keeping Steve's things untouched, after weeks of waiting up at night for him, you realised, maybe, he isn't coming back. You were mad.

You were angry at Steve, angry at him for lying to you, for leaving you. You were furious at him for leaving you cold and broken and empty and thinking you were strong enough to pick yourself back up again.

You were angry at Bucky for trying. He was always there for you, calming you, telling you everything was okay, and it wasn't, it really wasnt.

You and Steve never argued, never in public anyway. God, if you could see him now, you would scream and shout and make sure he knew how wrong he was, how much you hated him right now. How could he do this to you.

You had disobeyed direct orders on a mission. Steve told you to hold back, but you saw and opportunity, and you took it, it was the right decision. Sure, you got stabbed a few times, but you got what you needed, quicker too.

"I can't believe you, Y/N. I gave you a direct order and you didn't follow it. Look at you now, you could have died"

You rolled your eyes at the love of your life, sighed, and stood up, blood trickling through your fingers clutched to your side.

"With all due respect, Captain, I did what had to be done, and it worked. So don't criticize my decisions", you only called him Captain when you were raging, when you thought he didn't even deserve the acknowledgment of a name.

"You are hurt, you went against me. I could ruin your career for that stunt"

"You wouldn't dare, don't lie to yourself"

"God, you're so fucking full of yourself, Y/N"

"excuse me?", you scoffed, eyebrows raised. Steve immediately regretted his words, uttering hurried apologies. "You know what, Cap, I am full of myself. I'm such a narcissist, such a bad person, huh. Where did our little golden boy go wrong, ending up with a good for nothing gal like me, huh?"

As if right on time, the jet had landed, so you made a grand exit, waltzing off the jet with your head held high, and tears in your eyes.

You couldn't go to your own room, not where the sheets smelled of him, not where his things sat snug next to yours. So you knocked on Bucky's door, he let you in without hesitation. He walked you to his bed, he held you as you cried, cradled you until you slept. He tucked you in under blankets that smelled like coconut, gun powder, and whiskey.

So as you lay, head buried into a pillow that smelt like Steve, tears staining soft satin, you thought about doing the exact same thing.

You picked yourself up, untangling yourself from the sheets, bare feet padding to the elevator. Straight to Bucky's door.

knock knock knock. gentle and soft, barely audible.

"doll?", he was half asleep in his doorway.

"hey, buck", you muttered, smiling sadly.

"what's up?"

"I can't sleep in there, Bucky. I can't do it. I swear to god, hes everywhere", you sobbed.

He wrapped an arm around your shoulders, pulling you into his room, into his bed. For once, you welcomed the cooing and the soft touches. You appreciated the way he cradled your face in his hands as you cried, catching tears with his thumbs as he watched you fall apart. He was holding you together, his legs tangled with yours, his lips uttering sweet redemption into your hair, hands softly drawing circles on your back.

You leaned into him, wrapping your arms around him in return, you pressed your face into his neck, breathing him in, soaking him up. This was what you need right now, and you fell asleep bathed in the warmth of his bare soul.

Bucky's eyes opened to you making your way out of his room. He sighed, hands reached out to you, lazily.

"why are you up so early, doll?", he checked the clock. 05:57am.

"I gotta work"

"you really gotta take some time off, you're gonna work yourself to death, especially in your form"

You gave him a small smile, "I'll be fine, Barnes. Go back to sleep"

He happily obliged, rolling over and closing his eyes, hearing the far away click of his door closing.

You locked yourself in your office the entirety of the day, making angry phone calls to people who just wouldn't listen, pacing as you waiting on stats to come through, filing reports, organising mission after mission, without even considering a break.

Bucky knocked on your door around 6, pushing it open softly.

"Hey, Barnes. What is it?", you asked, not looking up from your computer as your fingers danced quickly across the keys.

"Its dinnertime, come eat"

"I'm not hungry, but thank you"

"Y/N", you answered his calls, not taking your eyes off the screen. "Y/N, look at me, for God's sake"

You slammed the laptop shut, eyeing him up and down dangerously. Sure, Bucky Barnes might be able to snap your neck with his little finger, but he couldn't break a man down like you could. He couldn't stare at people so hard it bore holes in their skulls, he couldn't exude power like you did, he couldn't tear into someone's soul with spiteful words and a harsh tone, not like you.

"What was that? I'm looking now, Mr. Barnes, please, embarrass yourself further, you have my full attention", you smiled at him, but it was sly and condescending.

"You haven't eaten all day, you need to eat"

"I need to do my job, and I think you've forgotten that I am, in fact, your superior, so get out of my office", with that, you opened the laptop again, and continued on with your furious typing.

Bucky didn't budge, he knew you could get irritable on a good day, and good days usually didn't involve dying, being resurrected, losing half your team, and taking over Stark Industries.

"Y/N, please, come on. You're being irrational"

"And you're forgetting your place, you always do. I care about you, Buck, but now is not the time to be sticking your nose in places it doesn't belong, go annoy Sam or something, I don't have the time for you"

You stood up and ushered him to your door, with a hand on the handle, you gazed at him with a harsh stare.

"Have a goodnight, Barnes, stay out of my office"

You swung the door closed, if slammed shut mere inches away from Bucky's nose.

You avoided him like the plague for the next few days, not meeting his gaze, not uttering his name. You spent all your time locked in your office, not saying anything to anyone, until you had to.

You called a meeting, the pathetic remains of your team gathered around you. A teenage boy, a bird man, a god of thunder and an ex assassin walked into a room, what a wild joke.

You briefed them, you flew them out to the hotel, nicer than the last one you stayed in. You could only get three rooms, Sam got one to himself, he won rock, paper, scissors.

The awkward silence had settled thick and heavy between you and Bucky, sat on your own separate beds, neon light filtering in through the curtain.

"I think it's your turn to tell me a story", that was the first thing he had said to you in days, you were shocked, a little taken aback.

"what?"

"The last time you and I were in a hotel room, you asked for a story, and I gave you one. I want a story."

"oh", you chuckled, "what about?"

He thought for a minute, shifting to face you, blue eyes bright and playful.

"a boy"

You both laughed, all remnants of anger and spite evaporating. This was exactly like Bucky, make everything better with a joke and a laugh.

"I don't really have stories about boys. I was only 18 when I started with Stark. I met Steve when I was 23-"

"How did you meet Steve?", he cut in. You realised then, no one had ever told Bucky that story.

"He never told you?", Bucky shook his head in response.

"Well-"

You met Steve before Thanos, before Bucky, before Ultron even. You were young,

You walked with purpose across the dirt and sand, General Sanchez struggling to keep up as he briefed you. You were in an old army uniform, one that had once belonged to a friend, it was a little tight but it made do.

"Ms. Y/L/N, you said you called backup?", he asked, hesitant.

"I did", on cue, the quinjet handed some feet ahead, and Tony stepped out. "and there he is"

Tony started to walk alongside you and the General, the team walking a few feet behind you.

"Stark, pleasure seeing you again"

"same goes for you, Y/N, what's happening"

"ever seen Godzilla?"

These creatures had been popping up around coasts all over the world, a couple even had gone as far as peaking tails out of the water, ridges on their backs visible deep below the surface. All you knew is that they were massive, monstrously big, and dangerous. They had been testing the waters, seeing how ready you were for an attack, and today was the day. According to radar scans, the biggest off them all had showed up off the coast of L.A, so here you were.

Steve couldn't help but stare at you, walking tall and dignified, head held high, voice strong and authoritative. Even as you were bleeding out on the floor, cheek swollen, lip cut, eyes blackened, he thought you were beautiful, angelic.

"Really?", Bucky laughed. You just nodded, saddened by the distant memory. "you guys always seemed so, settled"

"once upon a time we were running around like kids, sneaking into empty offices to make out like horny teenagers. We settled down eventually", bitterness was evident in your voice as you spoke. You missed those days, running around with Steve's hand in yours. He had really ruined hand holding for you.

"You wanna know what Steve said to me on our first date?", you asked, breath trembling and voice shaky, tears brimming in your eyes.

"sure..", he spoke hesitantly, not sure if that was the right answer or not.

"He said, "you remind me of a girl I knew back in the war", the same girl he left me for. He fell in love with me because I reminded him of a dead girl."

You and Bucky ducked behind a car, both of you officially out of ammunition. You sighed, looking around for any form of weapon as bullets came ricocheting towards you.

"If this is how we go, I'm gonna be pretty fucking pissed", he scoffed, always making a joke.

"me too, Buck"

Your eyes scanned the ground desperately, Bucky was trying to get to Sam, Thor, even Peter, but the comms had been cut. Your eyes settled on a baseball bat not far from Bucky's feet.

"Hey, Bucky?"

"yeah, pup?", for a split second that dream flashed behind your eyes. pup.

you were snapped from your thought by a bullet flying past your ear.

"I got another story for ya", you grinned. Bucky cocked an eyebrow.

"Now?"

"I used to play a lot of baseball in high school", he followed your gaze, mischievous grin playing at his lips.

"you sure?"

And with that, you emerged from behind the car, bat in hand.

"Hiya, boys", you called out to the two thugs stood in front of you, they trained they're guns on you, just not quick enough.

Before they could even process what was happening, you were on top of them, swinging, punching, kicking. Bucky snuck up behind you, joining in on the fight.

Your breathing was heavy as the two men collapsed at your feet, blood spattered across your chest and face, Bucky couldn't help the butterflies in his stomach, red always was your colour.

There was a wicked smile playing on your lips, teeth sharp and glinting, you looked psychopathic, killer, and Bucky loved it.

Maybe he could help you release some of that anger, he hadn't gotten a good beating in a while.

You went out the night you got back. You almost went to knock on Natasha's door to invite her with you, you stopped yourself with tears in your eyes when you remembered.

You didn't tell anyone where you were going, to be honest, you didn't know yet. You slipped out of the compound quietly, the kind of thing Steve would have disapproved of.

You decided on a quaint little bar, a few blocks away, small and cozy. Old jazz hummed softly through the speakers, you fit right in, blending in with the crowd, no one paid you any mind, and you reveled in it. Being normal for once, being another someone in the crowd, instead of some comic book superhero.

A few hours went by, you spent the time people watching. You paid particular attention to a girl, not much younger than you, she looked just like Natasha, she even ordered a vodka and soda, you just smiled to yourself.

You heard someone slid into the barstool next to you, it must have been at least midnight at this point. He ordered an old fashioned, Bucky's signature. You just kept your attention trained on the other patrons, that was until you felt a hand splayed across your back and warm breath fanning out across your bare shoulder, you were ready to punch a man at least twice your size. You turned around, hand balled into a fist.

"Hey, pup"

"Bucky?"

It must've been the drinks, it had to have been. Bucky's tongue was hot and heavy in your mouth, hands all over your body. He kicked your door closed behind the both of you, pushing you up against it, rough. The wind was knocked from your lungs, his lips travelled down your face, leaving a trail of wet kisses across your jaw and down your neck. He nipped at the shell of your ear before growling, low and animalistic.

"I saw you covered in that blood on the mission, and I just couldn't help myself, pup, I had to get myself a taste"

fuck. me.

@vicmc624 @dee-vn

#captain america x reader #steve rogers #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x you #bucky fanfic #bucky x you #bucky x reader #bucky x y/n #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader smut

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ihidemycrazy · 7 years

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if only she knew (ao3) rating: T word count: 4327 Bellamy’s POV for this fic For Bellamy, living with Clarke has been... interesting. He's totally in love with her, and now he's gotten into a bet with Octavia over who will say 'I love you' first. Bellamy's doesn't think it'll ever happen, but Octavia knows better.

Bellamy groaned at his alarm that blared at him from the nightstand. One arm remained thrown over his eyes while the other reached for the snooze button. He cursed when his fumbling inadvertently knocked the phone off the nightstand and onto the ground.

Rolling out of bed, he scooped up his phone and pulled on a pair of pajama bottoms before making his way out to the kitchen.

Clarke was sitting at the kitchen table, typing furiously on her computer with her lip pulled between her teeth. He had the sudden urge to pull that lip between his own teeth, but quickly turned to the fridge in an attempt to quell the impulse.

For Bellamy, living with Clarke has been… interesting. They honestly fought less than he had expected, although he does feel a frequent need to stop her overconsumption of Taco Bell. But he really hadn’t expected to be so distracted by her presence.

Like, he’d always been attracted to Clarke, but his conscious was reasonable enough to squash it for the sake of his sister’s friendship with her. But now, living with Clarke made it harder and harder to ignore that attraction.

The worst part was that he knew it wasn’t just a sex thing. He wanted to hold her hand and buy her flowers and smell her hair.

It was bad, especially because he was pretty confident that she didn’t feel the same way. She always tried to hide a grimace when he attempted to casually touch her hair. Also, she’d been kind of on-edge lately and he didn’t know what to make of that.

Finding the almost-empty orange juice container in the fridge, he pulled it out and began sipping straight out of the carton.

He turned to Clarke, “How’s the writing going?”

“Very well, thanks,” she replied, not even glancing away from the screen.

‘Wow, she’s super invested in whatever she’s working on’ Bellamy thought.

Out of curiosity, he asked, “Why aren’t you painting? You usually seem to express yourself that way.”

She seemed surprised that he had noticed and pulled away from her screen to explain to him why she was writing.

Bellamy nodded in response because it made sense, then began looking through the cabinets for something to eat. “Any chance you want some pancakes?”

That day at work, Bellamy could not get out of his mind the image of Clarke sitting on the counter while he made pancakes. She glowed with happiness.

He kept tripping over his words as he lectured, but luckily, it was a Friday, so most of the students weren’t paying attention anyway.

When the bell rang and the students ran from the classroom, Bellamy breathed a sigh of relief. It was finally the weekend.

He got into his car and called Octavia.

“Hi big brother!” she answered cheerily.

“Hi O, how’re you doing?”

“Bored with Lincoln out of town,” he could hear the pout in her voice.

“You can come hang out with me and Clarke tonight.”

“And be a third wheel? No thanks, Bell,” she guffawed.

“Stop, O. You know we aren’t together.”

He could almost feel her roll her eyes through the phone. “Only because you’re too much of a chicken to tell her you love her. Because, face it, you know she loves you too.”

“As much as I’d like to believe that, Clarke is ballsy enough to say it if she loved me.”

Octavia laughed, “Doubtful. I bet you tell her you love her way before she says it to you. In fact, I’d put money on it.”

“Octavia, you do remember we’re not dating right? There’s no guarantee either of us will ever say ‘I love you’ to the other.”

“Um, trust me, it’s guaranteed one of you will say it in like the next two weeks. I can feel it building.”

Bellamy laughed, “Okay, if you say you feel it. I’ll bet you fifty bucks that I don’t say I love you to Clarke in the next two weeks or that she says it before I do. You know this is a very easy bet for me to win, right?”

“That’s just what you think, big brother. I’m coming over later, so leave the door unlocked!”

“Okay, I’ll see you later then,” Bellamy said before hanging up the phone.

On the one hand, he appreciated Octavia’s confidence in the inevitability of he and Clarke dating, but thinking about the whole situation can be a little disheartening. He expects to make an easy fifty bucks off his sister for this bet. How hard can it be for him to continue not telling Clarke he loves her?

As Bellamy’s walking up the stairs to his apartment, he realizes how tired he is from this week. Walking in the door, he sees Clarke still writing and softly smiles to himself. But then his nagging inner voice hisses ‘everything you want and can’t have’.

“What I wouldn’t give for your four day on- four days off ER schedule,” he sighs.

He works his way over to the couch, craving the casual affection they so often share.

The rest of their conversation continues lightly and as Bellamy begins to doze next to her on the couch, he mumbles, “You’re kind of the best roommate I’ve ever had. Did you know that?”

Clarke brushes off the kindness as he expected she would, and he drifts to sleep as she pats his chest.

It honestly shouldn’t startle Bellamy awake every time Octavia barges into a room, but it does. Her door slam reverberates through the apartment and Bellamy realizes his head is resting on Clarke’s boob and his legs are wrapped up with hers.

He jumped up and, to hide his blush from Clarke, turned his attention to Octavia.

“Don’t you knock?”

Octavia grinned, “Well, I did, but you assholes were asleep so I just let myself in to make sure you hadn’t been murdered. You can thank me later.”

Bellamy rolled his eyes before getting up to hug his sister. Clarke went into the kitchen, and Octavia and Bellamy trailed behind her.

He heard his sister teasing Clarke about her cooking skills and entered the room saying, “I miss Lincoln. He calmed down your snarkiness to reasonable levels.”

But he quickly removed himself from the room when Octavia responded with an innuendo about Lincoln’s dick.

He went into his room and flopped on his bed. He probably shouldn’t have fallen asleep on Clarke. Bellamy didn’t think she minded much – casual affection was common with them – but still. It’s not safe for him to allow himself that much closeness. He’s also been known to say embarrassing things in his sleep. What if he accidentally said he loved her? Bellamy brought his hands to his face and rubbed his forehead. That would probably be the worst thing to happen yet. Not only would his heart be broken, but he’d lose fifty bucks to Octavia in the process.

God, what a stupid bet. It hardly even makes sense. It’s not like it has been particularly hard to not tell Clarke he loves her. It’s been hard to live with his whole unrequited love situation, but the not telling Clarke part has probably been the easiest aspect of it.

But Octavia obviously thinks there’s no chance Clarke loves him, which adds something melancholy to the predicament. Leave it to O to not spare her brother’s feelings.

Maybe this is her way of encouraging him to get over Clarke? But she’s been so supportive of it in the past.

Bellamy groaned. What’s her endgame in this?

After the ten minutes that it took to make the mac and cheese, he made his way back to the kitchen. “I’m only staying if there’s no more mention of my little sister’s sex life.”

Both Octavia and Clarke laughed, Octavia looking mildly mischievous and Clarke looking happier than he’d seen her in a while.

Throughout dinner, the pair was oddly jovial, lots of smiling and laughing, and it brought Bellamy’s spirits up.

After a while, it got late and Clarke sleepily wandered to bed, mumbling good night on her way.

Octavia stood up, “I guess that’s my cue to leave.”

Bellamy followed, saying, “I’ll walk you out.”

When they reached the door, Octavia turned to him and said, “I didn’t mean to freak you out with this whole bet thing. Honestly, I’m rooting for you two to end up together and it doesn’t matter who says ‘I love you’ first. Except if it’s you, I get fifty bucks.”

He softly smiled, “Thanks, O. It just kind of felt a little bit like you were betting against Clarke having feelings for me, which can be a little depressing.”

“Don’t be silly; Clarke’s totally in love with you. Maybe you should be using this opportunity to nudge her towards actually telling you,” she grinned.

Bellamy harrumphed, “And how am I supposed to do that if I’ve been unsuccessful at it for this long?”

“Jeez, Bellamy, just walk around without a shirt on and do nice things for her. Invade her personal space.”

“I feel like I already kind of do all that,” Bellamy frowned.

“Okay, well I can’t help you anymore because I want to win fifty bucks. I’m sure you’ll figure out something. Bye, big bother, love you.”

“Love you too, O,” Bellamy smiled before closing the door behind her.

In the morning, Bellamy woke up before Clarke and ambled into the kitchen to read the newspaper. He was purposefully shirtless, even though it was a little chilly.

Soon after he got settled in at the counter, Clarke came into the kitchen wearing only a t-shirt and underwear, which quickly distracted Bellamy from the news. He tried not to be too obvious as he greeted her and watched her walk across the kitchen.

When she reached for a bowl on the top shelf, her t-shirt slid up her back, giving Bellamy quiet the view. He choked on his coffee because her silky skin and soft curves were just a little too much visual stimulation this early in the morning.

She turned toward him at the sound of his coughing, clearly concerned. He waved her off, but she still came over to him. As she rubbed his back, he could feel her breast graze his arm, which did nothing to stop his coughing.

‘Oh my god, she’s trying to kill me’ he thought to himself as his coughing started to calm down.

In a moment of pure self-preservation, he asked, “Aren’t you, I don’t know, cold?”

Like, he was cold, and he was wearing a lot more clothing than she was.

She rolled her eyes and explained that she had run out of clean pants. So, in the spirit of doing nice things for her, Bellamy ran into his room to retrieve a pair of sweatpants. The ulterior motive was that he also really enjoyed seeing her wear his clothes; the small possessive part of him jumped for joy whenever she borrowed one of his sweatshirts.

But as soon as he handed it to her and she asked, “Seriously?” he knew he had made a mistake.

He just nodded. He had no idea what to say.

When she said, “Okay, dad,” he cringed.

She went back to her room before he could say anything, and he watched her now-covered legs as she walked away with mixed emotions.

Bellamy went to his phone to text Octavia.

Bellamy: I already fucked up the being nice thing.

Octavia: Not surprised.

Octavia: What did you do?

Bellamy: She wasn’t wearing pants so I lent her a pair of sweats. She seemed to think I was protecting her modesty but I honestly couldn’t even think with her in the room like that.

Octavia: *sly emoji* I’m getting closer to winning this bet every day.

Bellamy: Honestly, you really are.

Bellamy fell onto the couch in the living room and put his hands over his face as images of Clarke drowning in his sweats danced across his eyelids.

Saturday was the only day they had off of work together this week, so even though the morning was a minor disaster, Bellamy wasn’t about to give up.

Clarke eventually came out of her room, this time wearing a flowery sundress.

“Hey, Clarke. You look really nice. Going somewhere?” he asked.

She grinned, “Thanks and nope. Just realized I’ve pretty much been only wearing pajamas for three days and wanted to mix it up. Plus, I bought this dress and almost never have an opportunity to wear it.”

“Oh? Why not?”

“It’s too sheer to wear if it’s sunny out and the slip I ordered to go under it has been backordered so many times that I doubt it will ever get here,” she said sadly, as she crossed in front of the large kitchen windows to get to the pantry.

When she did that, the light from behind her rendered her dress nearly translucent, and Bellamy could see even more of her body than he could this morning.

He coughed and diverting his eyes said, “I see what you mean.”

Clarke blushed, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to, like, flash you. I’ll just close the blinds to let in less sunlight.”

As she lifted onto her toes to close the blinds, she was once again shrouded in golden light.

Bellamy’s breath hitched and in a second, he was over with her at the window. He softly placed a hand on her waist and heard her sharp inhale, then said, “Why don’t you stand in that shaded part of the kitchen while I get these?”

She nodded and took a step to the side, her dress becoming more opaque while remaining remarkably insubstantial.

As he closed the blinds, she walked over to the tv, asking over her shoulder, “Do you want to watch some weird documentary today?”

He grinned and replied, “When do I not?”

Bellamy soon followed after her and found Clarke stretched out on the couch. He lifted her feet and sat on the couch before placing her feet on his lap. She had selected a documentary on dolls and as they watched, Bellamy traced light patterns with his fingers over Clarke’s calves.

When the narrator began discussing how the dolls’ dresses were made, Clarke said, “I feel like more effort was put into making these doll dresses than mine. All those petticoats and the dress still falls perfectly around the doll, whereas I can’t even wear underwear with mine without the dress attaching itself to them through static and making me look like an idiot.”

Bellamy smirked, “I know.”

Clarke’s head turned slowly toward him, “What do you mean, ‘you know’?”

As much as he tried to get rid of the smirk, he couldn’t and finally he just said, “I know you can’t wear underwear with that dress because I know you’re not wearing it now.”

Clarke gasped, “Bellamy Blake!” and lunged at him, smacking his chest.

He laughed and said, “I’m sorry! I tried to be gentlemanly, but you just would not get out of the sunlight and, frankly, it was distracting.”

Clarke blushed furiously and pulled her legs and arms in to surround herself. Bellamy slowly slid toward her and grabbed her hands.

“Don’t be embarrassed. I should be embarrassed. I’m feeling very lecherous right now,” Bellamy smiled at her.

That made Clarke laugh before she said, “You feel lecherous for looking at the basically naked girl traipsing around your own kitchen? That’s just called having eyes, Bell.”

Bellamy chuckled and said, “Well, it’s a pretty good day to have eyes,” before pulling her closer, her legs draped over his lap and her head falling onto his shoulder.

They hardly saw each other again for the next four days between their work schedules.

It was Thursday night when Bellamy was reading in his bedroom and heard Clarke yell, “Bellamy! Come quick!”

He immediately grabbed the baseball bat that rests against his nightstand and ran into her room. But when he saw Clarke, he dropped the bat and had a moment of stunned silence.

She was standing in front of her full-length mirror, only wearing lacey black lingerie and heels that made her almost as tall as Bellamy. It took Bellamy a minute to notice that she was holding two dresses in her hands.

She said, “I’m going out with Raven and Octavia tonight and I can’t decide what to wear.”

Bellamy, exasperated, responded, “Jesus, Clarke, I thought there was an emergency!”

“There is! Green or blue?”

She put on the blue dress first and Bellamy felt a familiar tug in his gut. The way the fabric slid over her skin… in that moment, he’d die to be that dress.

“That’s the dress. I can’t imagine anything could look better than that.”

Clarke lit up and did a twirl, eliciting a laugh from Bellamy.

“Don’t go getting a big head now, Griffin,” he said before leaving her room.

He heard her yell, “Thanks, Bellamy!” after him, and he had to lean against the wall in the hallway to collect himself.

This bet with Octavia was turning into torture, especially since Clarke seemed less and less concerned with him seeing her in various states of undress. The more he fell in love with her, the further he fell into the friendzone. Which is not a horrible place to be, he might add. He gets immense happiness from his friendship with Clarke, but the semi-regular nudity and the being in love with her thing adds some emotional complications that he’s not super fond of.

Bellamy made his way to the living room, wanting to see Clarke before she left. She came out fairly quickly and told him she wouldn’t be out too late before running out the door.

He decided to call Miller. He’d know what to do about this whole situation, right?

“Hi, Bellamy,” Miller said as he picked up the phone, a little more lively than usual.

“Hey, Miller. I have a question for you. If Clarke’s always walking around in her underwear, does that mean she’s trying to seduce me or I’m in the friendzone?”

Miller sighed. “Bellamy, you know I only date boys.”

“Yes, but you know Clarke. What do you think it means?”

“For argument’s sake, you also know Clarke and therefore should be able to figure this out on your own. But I know you kind of suck at this, so I’ll help. Is the nudity a new thing or has she done it the entire time you’ve lived together?”

“A little bit new. Like she’s had breakfast in underwear and a tshirt before, but now it’s like full-on lingerie.”

“Maybe she just wants to feel pretty and your drooling makes her feel hot.”

Bellamy sighed, “Maybe.”

“But everyone who has seen you and Clarke together knows you’re in love, so I’d bet she’s trying to seduce you.”

“Miller, are you just saying this to get me off the phone or do you really mean it?”

“Both. Just fucking tell her how you feel already so you can stop calling me just to whine about it.”

Bellamy smiled, “I’ll see what I can do. Thanks, Miller.”

“Yeah, yeah. Talk to you later.”

Bellamy decided to read until Clarke got home to make sure she got to bed alright. Going out with Octavia and Raven can get a little rough.

After about two hours, he heard someone singing the Rocky theme song out the window and smiled to himself. That’s totally a thing Octavia would do while drunk.

Not long after that, Clarke stumbled into the apartment. When she saw him on the couch, she stopped and smiled.

“Hey. Have a good time?” he asked.

She just nodded and began walking toward him. She looked so happy that it made him smile in response. When she finally reached him, she lightly grabbed his book and he surrendered it to her, after which she laid it on the coffee table.

“What’re you doing, Clarke?” Bellamy asked, thinking she must be pretty drunk.

She giggled and slid onto his lap, the hem of her dress pushing up dangerously high.

Bellamy’s mind began to yell at him. ‘She’s seducing you! Can you believe it, you lucky bastard? She’s seducing you!’

But Bellamy didn’t want her to only want him when she’s drunk and probably feeling lonely or something.

“Clarke…” he warned.

She shushed him and trailed her thumb along his jaw.

Bellamy was just trying to figure out how far he should let this go, when suddenly, Clarke was kissing him and he was kissing her back. In her slight drunkenness, she moved quickly and aggressively, and before Bellamy knew it, she began to lift the hem of his shirt.

That’s when he stopped her.

“Clarke, you’re drunk. We can’t do this.”

Clarke sat back on his lap and said, “I’m not that drunk,” with a pout. But quickly, she was yawning and said, “Maybe just a little sleepy.”

Bellamy smiled at just how adorable drunken Clarke was. “You’re cute. But I really think you need to go to bed.”

“But I wanted to go to bed with you.”

“Would sleeping in my bed really make you feel that much better?” he asked.

“You know that’s not what I meant. But, yeah, I do want to sleep in your bed too,” she sighed.

At that, Bellamy grinned so hard it hurt. She didn’t just want sex from him. Even in her drunken state, she wanted him, and all of him.

“Okay, let’s go,” he scooped her up and carried her into his bedroom.

In his bedroom, he placed her softly on the bed. Pulling away he quickly found one of his tshirts that would be big enough to fit her like a dress. He told her to put it on, then went to fetch advil.

When he came back, she was wearing the shirt and her blue dress and lacy bra were hung on his desk chair.

He handed Clarke the advil and water before saying, “God, you like nice in my clothes.”

“I look better out of them.”

Bellamy couldn’t help but laugh. “I know. Another time. Take the advil, drink some water.”

She did and then slid under the covers. “You coming?” she asked.

Bellamy took off his shirt and got into bed next to her.

“God, do you have to look like that?” she whined. “You’re such a tease.”

He laughed as he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close. “Go to sleep, Clarke.”

She cuddled closer and mumbled, “So bossy” against the skin of his chest.

When Bellamy woke up, Clarke was gone. But her side of the bed was still warm, so he got out of bed to try and find her.

The front door was cracked and as he got closer, he could hear Clarke talking on the phone. Her back was to the door, so he opened it further and leaned against the doorframe.

He heard her say, “The gentlemanly thing to do would be to do what I wanted and fuck me,” and it took everything he had to stifle that laugh.

What he assumed was Raven’s voice on the phone was unintelligible to him, but soon Clarke was speaking again.

“I know. I’m just feeling very embarrassed. Maybe it would’ve been better if I had just said something instead of just acting like a horny teenager.”

Bellamy couldn’t help himself. “And what would you have said?”

Clarke whipped toward his voice, and when she saw him leaning against the doorframe, her jaw dropped. Quickly she said into the phone, “Raven, I’m going to have to call you back.”

“So, am I wearing the only shirt you own?”

Bellamy couldn’t help the smile that bloomed over his face. “You’re avoiding the question.”

“So are you. You could probably sell some of your books for clothes money if you’re really that strapped.”

Bellamy grabbed Clarke’s hands before they’re frantic waving took an eye out. “Clarke, just tell me.”

Clarke looked down and played with his hands for a bit before saying, “I don’t know why I have to say it; you obviously already know.”

“Well, maybe I just want to be sure. Don’t be stubborn.”

“Fine, I love you, okay? Happy now?” she said, mildly exasperated.

Bellamy couldn’t stop himself from kissing her before saying, “I love you too,” against her mouth.

She pulled back to say, “Can I ask you something?” and Bellamy nodded, but he didn’t want to relinquish contact. He moved to kiss her neck, eliciting a giggle from Clarke.

“Was that all I needed to do? If I had told you I love you weeks ago, you would’ve been equally excited about it?”

“For sure.”

“So you just wanted to see how much of an idiot I could make of myself?”

Bellamy smiled against her neck. He supposed it may look that way now. “Not quite. I had a bet going with Octavia that you would tell me you love me before I told you.”

Clarke gasped and smacked his shoulder. “Seriously? And that’s why she told me to prance around in my underwear. And that’s why you haven’t worn a shirt in days! God, I hate you guys.”

All Bellamy could do was smile. “Yeah, but maybe you want to continue this inside? There are beds there.”

She smirked, “Oh, so you don’t want to put on a show for all of our neighbors? I’m sure they had bets going as well.”

Bellamy swooped her up in his arms, bridal-style, and Clarke squealed. “Is this going to become a regular thing?”

“You bet your ass it is.”

Bellamy: You owe me fifty bucks.

Octavia: Seriously??? Clarke is weak.

Bellamy: Thanks for telling her to walk around in her underwear all week. That was nice. Not as nice as now but…

Octavia: If I don’t tell you about my sex life will you stop talking about yours?

#bellarke fanfiction #bellarke ff #the 100 fanfiction #bellarke #the 100 #modern au #roommates au #pining #teacher!bellamy #doctor!clarke #sharing a bed #sharing clothes #alcohol #bets #mine

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