#he understands that guilt at its most extreme is ultimately self serving

[themthistles]

something about the way guilt is portrayed in beyond evil. guilt as a state, guilt as a place you're condemned to. 'i will go to hell' 'life is hell' 'you shouldn't even set foot in that hell' but it's not really the hell we think of, not in the traditional sense. hell is where you're supposed to be sent to suffer and repent forever but all of them go there willingly. (that's why han kihwan will never end up there as juwon wants because he feels no remorse over his actions) they choose to stay and let it scorch the life out of them until all that's left is someone hollow and brittle, real person buried beneath the surface in a grave they themselves dug. in that way it's not lee changjin or the water that killed nam sangbae. it's guilt. that's what doomed him in the end. that hell of his own making he never managed to escape. and as he drowned, he probably thought he deserved that too. jeongje's still there until the end but so much of him died long ago. he's a ghost haunting himself. he tells juwon 'if you don't get out quickly, every breath, every moment of your life becomes a nightmare' if you stay that hell alone long enough, that's what happens. at a certain point you can't wake up anymore. you forget how to leave

#there are these parallels between nsb jj and jw #how both of them give him advice that comes from experience #'don't do this you'll regret it' 'don't do this there's no coming back from it' and both times he doesn't listen and ends up just like them #jw's almost a ghost in the beginning like jj but ds and manyang yank him back to life #and then ds doesn't let jw become another nsb he refuses to let him stay in that hell alone he says as much #i think ds learned how to claw his way out a long time ago #what he says in ep14 #'wouldn't regret be a luxury for me' #a luxury #he understands that guilt at its most extreme is ultimately self serving #because it keeps you in this woe me state where you become so obsessed with your own failure that everything else gets drowned out by it #ds does the opposite he decenters himself in his mind focuses on the pain of others instead of his own #'this is how he makes himself happy' this is how he survives #he knows that wallowing in guilt won't do any good won't change anything what's done is done he accepts it #he says 'if i could go back i WOULD do the same thing again because that's all he could ever do #he did what he thought was right at the time now he has to live with it #nsb can't figure that out can't accept his mistakes can't move on from them so he's stuck in the past #he dies stuck in the past #'you want to cry aloud for your mistakes but to tell the truth the world doesn't need any more of that sound' you know? #that i think is the point in the end #but does that ever fuck you up how jj nsb and jw (for a while) are driven by guilt but ds always acts out of love #he has so much of it despite everything #and juwon only surivives because he starts acting out of love and care and devotion instead of shame and remorse #beyond evil

[hafanforever]

Through a Mirror Darkly

One of my favorite things about villains is how they can serve as dark reflections of their protagonist or deuteragonist (or some other major supporting character) enemies. By this, I mean that villains are basically the evil counterparts to the heroic ones. They share some personality traits or have similar goals to the heroes, making them the example of what the good characters could or would become if they go down the wrong path or do not change whatever negative traits they possess.

In Disney, many of the villains from the Renaissance and Revival Eras are dark parallels to the protagonists, as well as occasional deuteragonists. Here are all the villains from the Disney animated canon who are evil counterparts to the heroes and what makes them as such.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: The evil queen is this to Snow White.

Both are female monarchs known for their outer beauty, with Snow White’s being the only one to surpass that of her stepmother.

However, despite her beauty, Snow White is a kind, gentle, benevolent, humble person.

Her stepmother, on the other hand, is extremely vain and obsessed with her own beauty that she cannot tolerate any competition. The queen’s determination to remain the fairest one of all drives her to murderous insanity, and she seeks to kill Snow White just to remove her “rival”.

Therefore, the queen is a dark reflection of the kind of person Snow White would have become had she grown obsessed and vain over her physical appearance.

Beauty and the Beast: Gaston is this to the Beast.

Both are handsome men who want to use Belle their own selfish reasons, with the Beast wanting her to help him break his curse and Gaston wanting to make her his trophy wife and slave.

Both also become enraged after Belle rejects them, which happens primarily because of their bad manners towards her, with her refusing Gaston’s marriage proposal and later refusing to eat dinner with the Beast.

However, after he saves her from the wolves, the Beast begins to change into a more caring, compassionate, selfless individual. He falls in love with Belle for her kindness, independence, and intelligence (reasons far beyond her outer beauty), and takes her needs and happiness before his own, especially when he allows her to leave his castle so she can help her father, even though time is running out for the curse to be broken.

Gaston, on the other hand, lusts after Belle purely for her outer beauty and wants to marry her since he believes her being the most beautiful woman in town makes her the right one for him. After Belle rejects his proposal, Gaston makes no attempt to change his ways for the better out of his own arrogance, narcissism, and egotism. Instead, he resorts to attempting to force her to marry him using deception and manipulation. 

Therefore, Gaston serves as a dark example of what the Beast could have become if he had never met Belle, but also the Enchantress. In fact, the Beast makes this realization when he grabs Gaston by the throat and the latter pathetically begs for mercy. The Beast sees that Gaston is the monster he would have become had it not been for Belle, and if he killed Gaston, he would be no better than him. And since he wants to be better than Gaston, especially because he truly loves Belle, the Beast reluctantly spares him by telling him to leave the castle.

Aladdin: Jafar is this to Aladdin.

Both Aladdin and Jafar are men who wish to move up in society and wind up resorting to trickery to do so, including putting on a facade in order to ingratiate themselves with the royal family. Aladdin pretends to be Prince Ali and initially acts cocky and smooth to cover up his true, humble street urchin self, while Jafar pretends to be the Sultan’s loyal vizier when he actually despises the Sultan and schemes to take the throne of Agrabah for himself.

Both also rely on magic in their pursuits. Aladdin relies on the Genie to make him a prince so he can win Jasmine’s heart, while Jafar uses his snake staff to hypnotize the Sultan and manipulate him into doing what he (Jafar) wants him to do. Later, Iago steals the lamp when Aladdin isn’t around, and Jafar makes his first two wishes to become Sultan and then a powerful sorcerer.

However, Aladdin’s guilt over deceiving Jasmine and the Sultan drives him to back out of using his third wish to free the Genie, after which he finally decides to come clean about his lies. In the end, he keeps his promise to the Genie and sets him free, rather than to wish to become a prince again. 

Jafar, on the contrary, becomes so caught up his own power that it ultimately becomes his undoing. Aladdin cons Jafar into believing that the Genie is the only being more powerful than him, so Jafar uses his final wish to become a Genie himself. But seconds after making his wish, Aladdin reminds Jafar that being a Genie makes him a prisoner of a lamp, and Jafar realizes too late that he has been tricked.

Therefore, Jafar serves as a dark parallel as to what Aladdin might have become had he not freed the Genie and become too obsessed and hungry for the power and status that would come with him succeeding the Sultan.

The Lion King: Scar is this to Simba.

Both are rebellious lion princes who develop a sense of entitlement, believing that being a king means that they can always do whatever they want, always get their way, and have their orders obeyed with question or argument.

With such feelings, both Scar and Simba only care for what benefits they would get as king and do not grasp the responsibilities that come with being a ruler. 

Simba starts out as a young lion cub who js the future king of the Pride Lands. His position as the future king inflates his ego, making him arrogant and boastful enough that he believes that being a king means he is entitled to do anything he wants whenever he wants, that he doesn’t have to be told what to do, and can make or get rid of any rules he dislikes.

Scar, on the other hand, is the younger brother of Simba’s father Mufasa, and has lost a legitimate chance to be king due to Simba’s birth. Scar still has a deep-rooted desire to be ruler of the Pride Lands, but only for the power and authority it would give him over the other lions and animals in the kingdom. Scar’s lust to become king drives him to murder Mufasa and try to murder Simba, whom he blames for Mufasa’s death. Sent off into exile, though with everyone believing he is dead, Simba grows up living a carefree lifestyle while Scar assumes control of the Pride Lands. His incompetent, lazy, and dismissive behavior regarding the responsibilities as a ruler, especially the balance of nature, turns the kingdom into a barren wasteland.

However, in adulthood, after being encouraged to do what’s right by Mufasa’s ghost, Simba decides to go home to atone for the mistakes of his past and take his place as the true king. Seeing what Scar’s tyranny has done to the Pride Lands makes Simba understand the importance of his responsibility, and he eventually learns that Mufasa’s death was not his fault.

Scar, however, is killed by the hyenas because he cowardly tries to run away and blame them for his crimes just to weasel his way out of facing the consequences.

Overall, Scar proves himself to be the very tyrant Simba would have become if he had grown so obsessed with his future power and authority and not learned to understand what important responsibilities come with being a ruler. In fact, one could even say that “Be Prepared”, Scar’s song about his plot to become king, is a dark reflection of “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King”, young Simba’s song about his excitement over becoming king and all the great things his rank will do for him.

Pocahontas: Governor Ratcliffe is one to John Smith.

Both men are in charge of the Virginia Company who venture into the New World in search of gold and riches.

Both have bigoted views of the indigenous inhabitants, seeing them as savages upon which to look down.

Both also feel a sense of ownership to Virginian and/or its resources, which can be shown when they both sing in “Mine, Mine, Mine”.

However, after meeting Pocahontas and learning about her, her people, and her world, including that there is no gold present, John no longer views the Native Americans as savages (and instead believes that they could help him and his company), and comes to respect the fact that the land rightfully belongs to them.

On the contrary, Ratcliffe holds on to his intense racism, supremacy, and greed, which drives him into delusion and fantasy that the Powhatans are hoarding the non-existent gold for themselves. He ultimately declares war on the tribe in order to obtain the “gold” while claiming it as a rescue party after John is captured by them.

Therefore, Ratcliffe serves as a dark parallel as to what John would have become if he had never met Pocahontas.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame: Frollo is this to Quasimodo.

Quasimodo has a monstrous exterior, but he is actually a benevolent, gentle, and kind person.

On the contrary, Frollo is a normal-looking person, he is a pure monster on the inside.

Both have unrequited attraction to Esmeralda, with Quasimodo's being friendly love and Frollo's being lust and obsession. These are further emphasized by their respective songs: Quasimodo's "Heaven's Light" and Frollo's "Hellfire".

Both also face rejection from Esmeralda, but for different reasons. Quasimodo faces it because Esmeralda loves Phoebus, and while he is initially heartbroken over it, he learns to accept it and remains friends with the couple.

On the other hand, Frollo becomes furious when Esmeralda refuses to become his mistress, so he gives into his hatred and racism towards her people by attempting to murder her, and then commit mass genocide against the gypsies.

Therefore, Frollo serves as a dark parallel as to what Quasimodo could have become if he developed bigotry and wrath towards the gypsies after seeing that Esmeralda only loved him as a friend.

The Emperor’s New Groove: Yzma is this to Kuzco.

Both are power-hungry authority figures in the empire, with Kuzco being the emperor and Yzma being his adviser.

Both are very arrogant, callous, selfish people who view themselves as superior to everyone else in the empire due to their ranks.

In the beginning, Kuzco possesses all these negative traits and more. He rules his empire completely without the best interest of his people and always seeks to have his way, regardless of any misfortunes it could cause other people. After Kuzco fires Yzma for doing his job in his absence, she plots revenge by aiming to kill him so she can rule the empire.

However, after being accidentally transformed into a llama and befriending Pacha, Kuzco comes to realize the error of his ways, while Yzma remains bent on eliminating Kuzco.

Therefore, Yzma serves as a dark reflection of what Kuzco would have become if he had not met Pacha and undergone his transformation.

Tangled: Gothel is this to Flynn Rider (aka Eugene Fitzherbert).

Both are manipulative, arrogant, and selfish people who use Rapunzel for something they want, with Gothel using her for the magic of the sun flower in Rapunzel’s hair, and Flynn to get her to tell him where she hid his satchel containing (unknown to her) Rapunzel’s tiara.

Both find themselves as a reluctant companion/protector to Rapunzel, with Flynn helping Rapunzel escape from tower so she can see the floating lanterns, while Gothel plays the role of Rapunzel’s mother and manipulates her into staying in the tower so she can use Rapunzel’s hair to stay young forever.

However, Flynn grows to care for Rapunzel and sees her as a person without ever showing interest in using her hair for his own personal gain. His love for her changes him into a better person, as shown when he aims to protect and rescue her from Gothel, with him ultimately sacrificing the chance to be healed from the fatal wound Gothel inflicts on him so that Rapunzel can be free of Gothel. After being revived, Flynn brings Rapunzel home to her parents and in the final scene, he announces in his voiceover narration that his love for her also led him to decide to stop thieving.

Gothel, on the other hand, only puts up with Rapunzel since Rapunzel’s hair has the magic Gothel wants for her own selfish desire. She views Rapunzel as a pest and any forms of “affection” she gives Rapunzel are actually towards her hair, in reference to that Gothel truly loves the power in Rapunzel’s hair and not Rapunzel herself. To keep her from leaving the tower, Gothel constantly belittles, demeans, manipulates, and emotionally abuses Rapunzel, especially by using guilt trips and victim blaming whenever they argue or when Rapunzel defies and challenges her “authority”. When Rapunzel discovers she is actually Corona’s missing princess, Gothel resorts to chaining and dragging her to another place far away to keep the magic within her hair forever and permanently prevent Rapunzel from leaving ever again.

Therefore, Gothel serves as a dark parallel of what Flynn could have become if he had never met Rapunzel.

Wreck-It Ralph: King Candy, who is later revealed to truly be the long-presumed-dead Turbo, is this to Ralph.

Ralph is programmed to be a villain in his own game and is treated as such, but he is actually kind, selfless, humble, well-meaning, and sympathetic towards other characters in the arcade, particularly the homeless ones.

Turbo, on the other hand, was originally programmed to be the hero of his game, but he was actually arrogant, selfish, attention-seeking, egotistical, and had no care or value for anyone else besides himself.

Both leave their own games, or game-jump, in order to get attention and recognition, but have different motives for doing so. Ralph game-jumps to get respect and positive recognition that he had always been denied, while Turbo does so out of jealousy and spite in an attempt to regain the attention and popularity he lost when RoadBlasters was plugged in and got more notice than TurboTime.

Therefore, Turbo serves as a dark example of what Ralph might have become if he had grown too obsessed with getting what he wanted.

Frozen: Hans is this to Anna.

Both are the youngest siblings in their respective families.

Both grew up feeling neglected, rejected, and overshadowed by their older siblings.

However, while Anna still loved Elsa and was willing to do anything to reconnect with her, Hans grew to resent his brothers and was willing to do whatever it took for him to finally be on top, to gain and attention and everything he rarely to never got by growing up in their shadows.

Therefore, Hans serves as a dark counterpart of what Anna would have become had she finally given up on mending her relationship with Elsa.

Big Hero 6: Professor Robert Callaghan is this to Hiro.

Both are intelligent people who lose a beloved family member, with Hiro losing his older brother Tadashi and Callaghan losing his daughter Abigail.

Both become consumed with grief and determination to avenge their loved ones, to the point that they want to destroy those who they believe are responsible.

However, while Hiro briefly becomes enraged after learning that Callaghan faked his death, stole his microbots, and that Tadashi died for nothing after he went into the burning building to save him (Callaghan), he comes to his senses with help from his friends and learns to accept his loss.

Callaghan, on the contrary, lets his rage and grief over losing Abigail consume him enough that he desires revenge on Alistair Krei. Callaghan’s obsession causes his own morality to apparently vanish based on the way he ruthlessly pursues and tries to murder any innocent bystanders who get in his way. He even coldly and callously dismisses Tadashi's death as his own mistake and ultimately rebuffs Hiro's pleas to accept Abigail's loss (despite briefly showing a hint of regret). But when he sees Abigail alive after all (after Hiro rescues her), Callaghan realizes that all of his senseless destruction ended up being for nothing, so he shows shame and possibly remorse for his actions once he is arrested.

Therefore, Callaghan serves as a dark reflection of what Hiro would have become had he let his grief turn into vengeance and not learned to move on from Tadashi’s death.

Zootopia: Dawn Bellwether is this to Judy Hopps.

Both are small prey animals who hold important positions in the city (Judy as a cop, Bellwether as the assistant mayor) and want to be successful and appreciated for their efforts.

Despite their positions, both are overlooked, dismissed, looked down on, misjudged, and mistreated by their bosses (Judy by Chief Bogo and Bellwether by Leodore Lionheart) and other larger animals, especially by predators.

However, while Judy has some mild bigotry towards predators (especially foxes, due to being bullied by one as a child), she truly wants to live peacefully among predators, wants prey and predators to also live as such, and overcomes her troubled past to bring an end to the conspiracy against the predators.

On the other hand, Bellwether gives in to her hatred for predators (particularly because of the abuse she endures from Lionheart as his assistant), and starts her conspiracy of turning predators savage in order to become mayor and remove them from Zootopia.

Therefore, Bellwether serves as a dark parallel of what Judy might have become had she allowed her mild bigotry towards predators intensify into pure hatred.

Frozen II: King Runeard is this to Elsa, his own granddaughter.

Both are very powerful monarchs who, at different points in their lives, are the sole rulers of Arendelle.

Both have keep big secrets about themselves from their kingdom, and also hold great fears of magic.

However, Elsa feared her own magic since she believed that she would lose control of them and harm people, especially those she loved. She learns to overcome her fear and to trust herself, and the people close to her.

On the contrary, Runeard feared magic because he believed it to be a threat and competition to his own royal status and power. His fear grew into paranoia, hatred, and bigotry, which clouded and corrupted his judgment over trusting people with ties to magic, making him believe that the Northuldra, and anyone who is magical or follows magic, can never be trusted.

Therefore, Runeard serves as a dark example of what Elsa might have become if she allowed her fear to consume her.

However, while Runeard serves as a dark parallel to Elsa, he also serves as a darker counterpart to Hans.

As I described them in “The Men with Two Faces”, both men are obsessive, manipulative, selfish monarchs who pretend to be kind and noble in order to hide their true natures and gain the loyalty and trust of others for their own personal gain.

Both are also very power-hungry who only care for the power they have/crave and are willing to go to lengths of treachery and murder to get what they want and expand their power.

Both sneak up on people sitting on the ground and try to murder them with their swords since they view them as a threat to their goals. However, while Hans failed to kill Elsa due to Anna’s intervention, Runeard succeeded in killing the Northuldra leader.

Therefore, Runeard is what Hans could have become if he had succeeded in killing both Elsa and Anna and been crowned king of Arendelle.

I owe a thanks to my dearest friend and soul sis @minervadeannabond for coming up with this title. Although I am called the Queen of Puns, I sometimes have trouble coming up with clever puns as titles for my analyses, and she’s always there to help me out. Thank you so much, girl! Love you much! 😁😊❤️

And since today is All Hallows Eve, what better kind of analysis for me to post today than one about villains?

Happy Halloween, everyone! 😁🎃👻

#Miscellaneous Disney #Disney #Disney Villains #Disney Villain #villains #villain #reflections #reflection #countertparts #counterpart #good #evil #my stuff #mine

[divinelydeanna]

The Shadow

Time and time again, we may find ourselves turning down a dark road of emptiness, and self sabatoge.

 All experience /shadow work, suffering, addictions, is to make the unconscious conscious, and guide us to dive deep into new somatic territory, open new neurological pathways, to create new circuitry of self love and to experience deep intimacy.. 
 
Awareness and proper framing of what's going on is crucial.
The 'Psychic Winds of Change' blow through our Minds can be crazy fast and volatile , and at any moment may not be showing any signs of slowing down just yet. 

Exploring Unchartered territory , spiritual healing modalities, can open new neurological pathways , create new circuitry of self love and to experience deep intimacy if we are willing to do the work. Otherwise it is spiritual bypassing. 


We all have demons inside us. Every day, we fight against them – sometimes we lose, sometimes we win.

These demons haunting us can be seen either in small glimpses or in full chaos. And because of our guilt and shame, we tend to ignore and bury them.

We think that they should stay hidden because they cannot and should not exist in our conscious self. The society tells us to focus on the good things like love and light, but never the darkness or shadow.

However, when we focus only on the “light”, it doesn’t reach to the depths of our being. It just feels like superficially hanging on a warm and fuzzy thing.

“Positive thinking is simply the philosophy of hypocrisy – to give it the right name. When you are feeling like crying, it teaches you to sing. You can manage if you try, but those repressed tears will come out at some point, in some situation. There is a limitation to repression. And the song that you were singing was absolutely meaningless; you were not feeling it, it was not born out of your heart.” – Osho

Inside every one of us are darker problems that exist. In order to touch the very depths of our being, we must be ready to explore our buried self through shadow work.

Here are the basic things you need to know about shadow work:

Beneath the social mask we wear every day, we have a hidden shadow side: an impulsive, wounded, sad, or isolated part that we generally try to ignore. The Shadow can be a source of emotional richness and vitality, and acknowledging it can be a pathway to healing and an authentic life. – Steve Wolf

First, we must define what is a “shadow”.

In the field of psychology, a shadow is a term used to refer to the parts within us that we may try to hide or deny. The name was originally coined and explored by Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, Carl Jung.

It comprises of the aspects of our personality that we tend to deem shameful, unacceptable, ugly. It can be envy, jealousy, rage, lust, desire for power or the wounds incurred in childhood – all of those we keep hidden. Jung believes that when the human Shadow is shunned, it tends to sabotage our lives. Repressing or suppressing one’s shadow can result in addictions, low self-esteem, mental illness, chronic illnesses, and various neuroses.

“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.”– Carl Jung

You can learn to identify and work with your shadow self so that you can reach your goals and live your best life.

For many people, denying their inner self is the path they usually choose, but as you’ll see here, we are big fans of accepting who you really are and working with that, while choosing strategic thoughts and emotions in order to continue to move forward. Transformation, which so many of us are looking for, does not come from a place of denial. It comes from a place of acceptance. While you might not think it is possible to find your way to the “dark side” and come out a better person, we are here to tell you, it is.

“Man needs difficulties; they are necessary for health.” – Carl Jung

Here are 8 ways to practice shadow work:

1. Believe you are worthy and that things will get better

The first step in overcoming your shadow self and taking back your life is to acknowledge that you are worthy of good things.

When we are feeling low it is easy to continue to feel that way. Humans have an uncanny ability to feel sorry for themselves, and sometimes that is all we want to do and it serves its purpose.

But sometimes, that self-pity takes hold of us and makes it very difficult for us to get out of the rut and get back to our normal routines, or even better, our best self.

The key is learning to love yourself.

However, in this day and age practicing self love is hard.

Why?

Because society conditions us to find ourselves through our relationships with others. That the true path to happiness and fulfillment is to find love with someone else

I recently came to understand that this is an extremely unhelpful standard.

People living regular lives

What I discovered is that the relationship I have with myself is mirrored in my relationship with others. Therefore, it was very important for me to develop a better relationship with myself.

“If you do not respect your whole, you cannot expect to be respected as well. Don’t let your partner love a lie, an expectation. Trust yourself. Bet on yourself. If you do this, you will be opening yourself to be really loved. It’s the only way to find real, solid love in your life.”

2. Pay attention to the emotions you feel

No emotions are bad.

Our negative emotions are portals into the shadow. They help us determine our wounds and fears.

When you feel an emotion, take a minute to examine it. Ask yourself the following questions:

What am I feeling?

Why am I feeling this?

Wait for answers.

Don’t be frustrated if the answers do not come right away. Sometimes, the answers need time to be found and you’ll know it.

Never force answers and jump into conclusion because they might be the wrong ones. Shadow work is considered soul work and it happens on its own timeline. Just be patient and know that in time, the answers will come.

This steps simply means to accept what comes up for you, when it comes up, and acknowledge that you are an emotional being that may, from time to time, find it difficult to manage your emotions.

If you are working to tame your shadow self, then you’ll be paying attention to these moments so that you can stay with them, rather than try to run from them.

So many people simply want to feel better in the moments where we feel the greatest amount of discomfort, but if we can stay with our emotions, name them and be grateful for them, we can overcome them and move on to better things.

The better life is not created by not experiencing those emotions, but by experiencing all of them with gratitude.

RELATED: I was deeply unhappy…then I discovered this one Buddhist teaching

3. Identify the shadow

Our shadows are located in our subconscious. We buried them there that’s why it’s tricky to identify it.

n order to perform shadow work, we need to identify the shadow. The first step is to become aware of the recurrent feelings that you always feel. Identifying these patterns will help highlight the shadow.

Some common shadow beliefs are:

I am not good enough.

I am unloveable.

I am flawed.

My feelings are not valid.

I must take care of everyone around me.

Why can’t I just be normal just like others?

4. Investigate your feelings objectively and with compassion

t’s hard to do shadow work objectively and with compassion. It’s easier to investigate and blame other people why you end up that way.

On the other hand, understanding why the people who hurt you acted in a particular way is hard to accept. But in order to heal ourselves, we must forgive those who hurt us in order to move on.

Try to navigate that they did the best they could do at that time or were simply acting from their own wounds.

It’s also easy to feel bad about yourself for having these negative feelings. But there’s no reason to feel bad. We all experience negative emotions. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t.

It’s important to accept our negative emotions and be okay with them.

According to philosopher Alan Watts, Carl Jung was the kind of man who could feel something negative and not be ashamed about it:

“[Jung] was the sort of man who could feel anxious and afraid and guilty without being ashamed of feeling this way. In other words, he understood that an integrated person is not a person who has simply eliminated the sense of guilt or the sense of anxiety from his life – who is fearless and wooden and kind of sage of stone. He is a person who feels all these things, but has no recriminations against himself for feeling them.” – Alan Watts

5. Focusing on your breathing

How much attention do you pay to the way you breathe?

If you’re like most people, then probably not a lot. We usually just let our body do the job and completely forget about it.

I think this is one of our biggest mistakes.

Because when you breathe, you produce energy for your body and psyche. This has a direct connection to your sleep, digestion, heart, muscles, nervous system, brain and mood.

But the quality of your breathing doesn’t depend only on the quality of the air — it depends much more on how you breathe.

That’s why many spiritual traditions pay so much attention to breath. And focusing on your breathing is a key technique they use to help people explore, and ultimately conquer, their shadow self.

6. Explore the shadow

Psychologists use art therapy as a way to help patients explore their inner selves. It is because art is a great way to allow your Shadow to manifest itself. Here are some ways to express the shadow:

Journaling

When you write, it allows you to feel emotions and empty your head of the thoughts rumbling around. It’s like magic – even when you write thoughts that have no sense. Just write whatever comes to mind because you can’t do it wrong.

Write a letter

Write a letter to yourself or to those who hurt you. You don’t have to actually send the letter, just let all your feelings out.

Tell the person in mind what you feel and why you feel it. Writing a letter will validate yourself and your emotions. You can burn the letter after you write it as a symbolic release.

Meditate

In meditation, we gain insights about why we feel certain ways. It helps us understand and objectively delve deeper about our emotions, then allow ourselves to heal.

One example is forgiveness meditation. You can picture a person who hurt you in your mind and say, “May you be happy, may you be at peace, may you be free of suffering.”

Recommended reading: A spiritual master explains why you can’t meditate properly (and what to do instead)

Feel

You will never heal unless you allow yourself to face the emotion you’re scared of. So explore them, write about them and make art out of them.

To experience yourself as a whole, loved, and lovable, you need to own up to your emotions.

Dreams

Our thoughts and deepest emotions can come out in dreams, according to Jung. When you experience a dream, write down what occurred immediately so you don’t forget.

By understanding your dreams, you might understand more about yourself.

“The dream is the small hidden door in the deepest and most intimate sanctum of the soul, which opens to that primeval cosmic night that was soul long before there was conscious ego and will be soul far beyond what a conscious ego could ever reach.” – Carl Jung

However, Jung says that it’s important to understand that one dream by itself might not mean much, but patterns from multiple dreams might:

“An obscure dream, taken by itself, can rarely be interpreted with any certainty, so that I attach little importance to the interpretation of single dreams. With a series of dreams we can have more confidence in our interpretations, for the later dreams correct the mistakes we have made in handling those that went before. We are also better able, in a dream series, to recognize the important contents and basic themes.” – Carl Jung

Remember that the shadow thrives in secret but they are part of who you are. Bring the hidden parts of yourself to light and bathe them in self-love and acceptance.

Sometimes, the process hurts but it will make you a better person. Keep in mind: When it comes down to getting what you want, you have to not only confront your inner darkness but embrace it.

Rather than try to turn it off when you feel the shadow self-rearing its ugly head, allow yourself to feel it and be curious about it.

In some cases, you might find that it serves you, especially when you are trying to protect yourself from things that might otherwise threaten your higher self.

When you tap into your shadow self properly, it can be a powerful alter ego that can help you manage trying situations.

It’s when you let it rule your life, or pretend you don’t have a shadow self that problems persist.

7. Nurture your inner child

Our childhood traumas can be caused by the way we were parented or other people who hurt us. It can result in deep wounds that can create behavioral and emotional patterns that create our personality.

Most of the time, our childhood wounds are the most painful. They haunt us and tell us we’re not worthy of love, or that our feelings are wrong, or that we have to take care of everything because nobody was around to take care of us.

Nurturing your inner child involves traveling back in time to when you were hurt and give yourself love. You can do this by:

Go back to the time in your life when you felt most vulnerable.

It can be a scene where you got hurt or a time in your life when you felt vulnerable. Hold that image of yourself in your mind. Stay aware, taking in any messages that arise during that time.

Give the younger you compassion

While reliving the moment, give love to your younger self. Tell yourself, “I love you and I’m here for you. It will be okay, it’s not your fault and you did nothing to deserve this.” You can also give a hug to your younger self.

One thing is for sure when doing shadow work, it is uncomfortable, to say the least. Who would enjoy owning up to their flaws, weaknesses, selfishness, hate, and all the negative emotions they feel? Nobody.

But while focusing on our positive side is enjoyable and boosts our confidence, shadow work can help us grow and develop into a better version of ourselves.

Jung writes in the book Psychology and Alchemy, “There is no light without shadow and no psychic wholeness without imperfection.”

With shadow work, we become whole to live a more authentic and fulfilling life.

Recommended reading:

7 steps to heal your inner child.

Recommended Therepy : inner child Hypnotherapy, Family Constillations, Sound Healing, Earth magnetism Nature, Fasting, Mirroring, EFT, Resurecction Therepy, Heart Coherence Frequency, Deep tissue manipulation, infrared saunas, fasting, 1stSun. Kundalini Meditation , Mantras, ecstatic dance, Qi gong, vibrational machines, resurrection therepy.

Written by:DeannaCook and is free under the Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 License
(http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/) you may freely copy, distribute, blog, or post it anywhere, so long as the work is attributed to "deannalcook", and the text is unaltered.

[cosmicjoke]

Ash and how his intelligence relates to his pain

I talked about this in another post I just wrote about Ash’s overall sense of guilt and how that played a role in his ultimate demise, but thought it would be interesting to focus on this particular point I made, which is that, while Ash’s incredible intelligence served in helping him to survive for as long as he did, and to even cope, to some extent, with the severe sexual trauma he endured, able to understand and reason out that the abuse he suffered wasn’t, in fact, his fault, I think his intelligence is also what ultimately made Ash unable to get over the guilt and pain he felt over the lives he had to take in order to survive.

I made this point, that highly intelligent people like Ash are very often deeply sensitive too.  They feel things at a deeper level than less intelligent people because they see more deeply, they understand more clearly.  People with high intelligence are also more prone to depression.  More prone to despair, and we see Ash struggle with these things throughout the story.  There’s a deep sadness and a deep loneliness to Ash, 

An important thing to note from early on in the story is when Dino mentions to Ash how he used to cry over every job Dino made him do, and we see Ash express anger and repulsion over how dismissively Dino regards human life and the act of killing.  Ash is keenly aware of the consequences of taking another human life, of what it actually means, and the pain he feels with each act of it stays with and continues to haunt him.  We never see the other characters in the story who have also killed, like Shorter, Cain, Sing, or the various members of any of their gangs, etc... struggle with anywhere near the crippling sense of guilt and self-loathing that Ash does over their own actions.  While there’s probably some sense of remorse on their part, having killed doesn’t bother them to nearly the same degree, doesn’t weigh them down with nearly the same level of consuming self-loathing, that it does Ash.  All of them, ultimately, are able to forgive themselves and move on, eventually going on to start relatively normal, happy, healthy lives.  None of these people are nearly as intelligent as Ash, of course.  

I pointed out before how ironic it is, then, that Ash has convinced himself that he doesn’t feel anything, that he’s this emotionless monster, because the truth is the exact opposite of this.  Ash feels TOO MUCH.  He feels more than all of them.  We see other characters, like Eiji, of course, and Cain, try to help Ash, telling him to not give himself such a hard time, to forgive himself, to explain to him that he was justified in the lives he took.  But Ash is never able to accept it.  He isn’t ever able to believe it.  He can’t unburden himself from his sense of guilt and grief and the trauma of his past because he cares too much, and I think that caring relates directly back to Ash’s intelligence.  Because he grasps at a deeper, more fundamental and innate level than a normal person would be capable of the true weight and meaning of a life lost.  He FEELS that loss in a keener, more pronounced way than other people, because his greater intelligence makes him more aware of the impact that loss has, the other lives it affects, the potential and possibilities it snuffs out, the reverberations of it’s reality upon the world around it.  It never remains for him an action only of the present, but an action which lives on and on forever in its implications and consequences.

This kind of overwhelming sensitivity links directly to Ash’s goodness of heart.  He can’t NOT care because he understands and sees too much not to.  Ironically, he values human life more than a normal person would, because he understands better what makes it valuable. One of the deep tragedies of Ash’s character is that this sensitive, caring nature, born of his intelligence, is innate to him, and he found himself, through no fault of his own, thrust into a world of cruel and merciless violence, one in which he had to take the very life he so profoundly understood the true value of in order to keep his own.

I also think Ash’s exceptional intelligence is directly linked to the deep sense of isolation and loneliness he feels.  Being as intelligent as Ash is automatically puts a divide between him and everyone else.  There’s maybe five or six other people on the entire planet who have an IQ as high as his, making Ash, in a very tangible and unavoidable way, unrelatable and fundamentally different from all of the people around him.  They sense Ash’s extreme intelligence, and it serves to intimidate and unnerve them.  They begin to treat him as separate and other, not like them.  We see this play out in the way his own gang members regard him.  They’re fond of and care about him, they respect him, and trust him, but they’re also afraid of him, and don’t ever just really hang out with him.  They never treat him like he’s just a kid, even though, actually, he is.  They never consider that Ash might want to be goofy, or silly, or have fun, like any boy his age would.  They only interact with Ash to take orders from him.  The impact this sense of remove has on Ash is undoubtedly profound.  It leaves him feeling friendless and alone, even as he’s surrounded by people who look up to and admire him.  It leaves him feeling like he can’t just shoot the breeze with or have fun with or relax with anyone.  Nobody is his “friend”, because they don’t treat him like a friend.  They treat him as their boss.  As the one most capable of protecting them.  They place on Ash the same weight of expectation that a child would place on a parent.  

Exacerbating all of this too is that none of them have experienced the same or even similar traumas to what he has.  He can’t talk to them about the kinds of things he’s been through, he can’t share that pain or unburden himself to them about it, because they would never understand in the first place, either what it meant or what it made him feel.  This inability on their part to understand how he feels applies also to what taking another life means to him, and how, again, his intelligence fundamentally alters how he absorbs the trauma of that compared to how they do.  They don’t feel the act of it in the same way he does, so they can’t understand why he reacts to it the way he does, and so he can’t talk to them about it, in the same way he can’t talk to them about the sexual abuse he’s been subjected to.   And because they don’t really perceive him as a normal person, or even really a person at all.  They see no weakness or vulnerability in Ash.  They see no reason for why he would ever need help.  Even as, in reality, he’s so deeply hurt and suffering, and needs help the most of all.  

It comes full circle, then, to his intelligence, and how it contributes to him feeling and caring so much, exacerbating his suffering and yet, again ironically, serving to cut him off from others, forcing him to bear the burden of that pain alone.

#Banana Fish #Ash Lynx #Meta #Commentary

[spiritleak]

Narcissists & gaslighting, Jezebel Spirits, journey to abuse healing

Psychologists state that a narcissist is someone who has covered his true self-expression in response to mental injuries and replaced it with a highly developed, compensatory false self. This other self often comes across as above others, self-centred, self-absorbed, and highly conceited.

Many of them also use gaslighting as a way to make many people around them more vulnerable to their attacks.

Gaslighting is a form of peristent manipulation and constant indirect brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt himself, his opinions and side of the stoy. The goal is to ultimately lose one’s own sense of perception, identity, and self-worth. A gaslighter’s statements and accusations are often based on deliberate falsehoods and calculated marginalization. The term gaslighting is derived from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband tries to convince his wife that she’s insane by causing her to question herself and her reality.

Many narcissists are gaslighters but it's not necessary to always coexist 100% . Someone could have antisocial personality disorder (sociopathy) and use gaslighting to manipulate, for instance.

Both narcissists and gaslighters tend to project false, idealized images of themselves to the world, in order to hide their inner insecurities. Many narcissists like to impress others by making themselves look good externally. This complex can exhibit itself physically, romantically, sexually, socially, religiously, financially, materially, professionally, academically, or culturally. The underlying message of this display is: “I’m better than you!” or “Look at how special I am — I’m worthy of everyone’s love, admiration, and acceptance!”

Both narcissists and gaslighters have a desire to make decisions for others to suit their own benefit. Narcissists may use their romantic family members, friends, or colleague to meet unreasonable self-serving needs, fulfill unrealized dreams, or cover-up weaknesses and shortcomings. Narcissists are also fond of using blame, guilt and victimhood as manipulative means.

Gaslighters conduct psychological manipulation toward individuals and groups through persistent distortion of the truth, with the intention of causing their victims to question themselves and feel less confident. In personal and professional environments, they manipulate by telling others how they should think, feel, and behave under the gaslighter’s unreasonable restrictions. They often become judgemental, angry, intimidating, and hostile toward those who fail to bow down to their directives. Gaslighter manipulation is often highly aggressive, with punitive measures (tangible or psychological) executed toward those who fail to recognize and obey their self-perceived authority.

Jezebel spirits - the spiritual side of manipulative people

How can you tell if a Jezebel spirit is affecting your actions or using someone close to you?

In her book, “Jezebel’s Puppets” Jennifer LeClaire describes Jezebel as: “A wicked spirit that has roamed the earth for thousands of years seeking someone to entice into sin, Jezebel is more than a spirit of control and manipulation that many make it out to be.  Jezebel is a spirit of seduction that works to woo people into immorality and idolatry….”

People influenced by a spirit of Jezebel have fear issues of rejection. They control others so that they will not be hurt. Generally, there is a history of trauma or abuse. They are not accountable to anyone and often accuse others of being a Jezebel. A Jezebel never forgets when they are wronged because they struggle to forgive others. Therefore, he/she will not be at peace until they find revenge, even if it takes years to achieve. Jezebels do not forgive nor forget. Such a person is capable of killing you emotionally or destroying your life. In the bible, such was the case with the Pharisees, they found Jesus teachings offensive and very hurtful to them and they eventually sort to kill and destroy Jesus.Those under Jezebel in position whether in the workplace, ministry or family dynamics; will tend to fear him/her because when a Jezebel is in power, he/she has an authoritative and threatening demeanour. He/she will cunningly make you believe that you need him/her and you’re nothing without their help. A Jezebel spirit is never wrong, unless it is a temporary admittance of guilt to gain favor with someone, make them feel empathy and confuse them. To accept actual responsibility would violate the core of insecurity and pride from which it operates. When a Jezebel apologizes it is never in true repentance or acknowledgment of wrongdoing. It’s unbelievably painful when it’s a member of your own family. People have a hard time believing anyone could be so cruel. It’s life shattering to come to grips with this as reality

No matter what someone’s religious and spiritual views are, I believe we all agree that it is important to heal. To heal from emotionally draining people and situations and eventually get out.  Heal from the self doubt and self hate we are being put through when dealing with such a person. Gain our lost confidence back and realize that they are the problem, not us.

How will that healing take place?

Try to get educated on the topic. Watch Youtube videos and read about such behaviors. Knowledge is your biggest weapon against manipulation and hurt. Understand that they are not who they show they are and also realize what they want from you. 

Begin to notice that self-care is something you need to participate in consistently. Not sorely because you are healing from emotional abuse, but because healthy people, in general, understand the importance of putting on their oxygen mask before they can help others.Life can be stressful enough without the added obstacle of toxic abuse. It only stands to reason that if your goal is narcissistic abuse recovery, your body and mind require extreme self-care. This might include reducing social engagements, staying off of the internet, saying “no” to friends and family, taking a nap when you feel exhausted, and making time to do meditations.You resist the urge to make excuses as to why you can’t take care of yourself, realizing that even single mothers can work self-care into their schedules.  If you are a single mother, you deliberately get a babysitter on occasion to take yourself out. Do guided meditations, treat yourself with spending time doing what you love, listen to relaxing music. One step at a time. You are worth this.

No longer obsess about the narcissist with their new supply or the fact that they seem so happy because you can come to understand that the narcissist is destined to repeat the same cycle of abuse with anyone they are with at any given time. There is an African, humanist philosophy called Ubuntu. At its most basic, it states that:  ‘A person is a person through other people’. Who you choose to associate with will have an influence on who you are. This means that surrounding yourself with narcissists, manipulators, and abusers will lead to deep unhappiness.

WIsh you luck on your beautiful journey!

#narc #narcissist #narcissists #narcissistic abuse #heal #healing #trauma #spiritual #self care #wicca

[morsking]

tangentially relevant to agartha (even though i would’ve preferred not to talk about this at agartha’s intervention) if only because hazuki minase failed to realize this but fate/stay night and by extension fate/zero and fate/grand order are about not only exposing the mistakes of previous generations but also proving the fundamental principles they are based on wrong. the thing is though that’s not just limited to the three founding families, kiritsugu himself, or the animuspheres’ experiments. it reaches all the way back to our most ancient real-life myths and their concepts of what makes a hero.

kiritsugu in fate/zero symbolizes the classical (greek) hero, and in fact there are several tropes within his character that fall in line to that archetype. he’s got veritable prowess in combat (he involves himself in wars only when the fighting is at its most intense), he has unshakable principles of right, wrong, salvation, and service to humanity that double as his hamartia. but among other things, he possesses an extremely gendered trope, probably his most gendered one by far: he has a woman he must sacrifice for his ideals and principles, despite loving and treasuring her dearly (well, two women, but let’s not get into illyasviel right now).

this is an extremely common trope in myth that has persisted into contemporary fiction. women are often brutalized to serve as a stepping stone for a man’s development and eventual victory (or defeat) against his opposition. this trope is so aggravatingly ingrained into western culture it is almost impossible to find media, particularly adult and teenage media, where this doesn’t happen.

and nasu seems to be aware of this, as fate/zero’s main story beats and major developments were written by nasu himself while handing the actual story to gen urobuchi to adapt, intentionally trying to draw that parallel between kiritsugu and shirou and irisviel and sakura. nasu wished to explore that particular topic of gender in the stories central to western society, deconstruct why women are so prolifically slaughtered for their masculine protagonists, and propose a more logical, more heroic, more empathetic choice to this cultural decision.

kiritsugu makes the choice to sacrifice irisviel as the vessel of the holy grail and use her death as the necessary vehicle for the miracle that will make his dream of a conflict-free world to come true. it destroys kiritsugu from the inside. it makes him hate himself, engaging in extreme measures of self-punishment like sleeping with maiya while being married to irisviel (god i fucking hate you urobuchi) to make himself suffer with guilt. kiritsugu is obviously scared and reluctant, and even considers running away with irisviel and illya far away from the grail war and the einzberns.

and the thing is, he doesn’t HAVE to do those things. he doesn’t HAVE to let irisviel die, fight the grail war, and potentially risk illya meeting the same fate as her mother. he doesn’t have to punish himself, he doesn’t have to stay, he doesn’t have to follow the einzberns’ orders, he doesn’t have to be a violent mercenary and killing machine, he doesn’t have to do ANYTHING. as much as i detest prisma illya, this is a path that’s lampshaded in that parallel storyline. kiritsugu and irisviel just slaughter the einzberns, dismantle the holy grail war, and take illya to live a merry normal life where she doesn’t have to know conflict or trauma or abandonment or sacrifice.

fate/zero intentionally portrays kiritsugu’s choice as difficult and wrong. the grail shows him that if everyone thought as he did and was allowed to project and amplify that method, sacrificing the few for the many, then eventually not a single person but himself would be left (also showing him what his true desire is: to simply be with his family while forsaking the rest of the world, more metaphorically than literally). kiritsugu’s path is painful, lonely, and above all, unnecessary. unnecessary because it’s painful and lonely, and that’s just no way to live and conduct oneself. 

in contrast, shirou refuses to sacrifice sakura. unlike classical heroes, shirou doesn’t sacrifice a woman for his principles, he makes the empathetic, humane, choice to sacrifice his principles for a woman, for a fellow person rather than consider her a monolith on which he can project his emotions and ideals and ultimately destroy for angst and moral validation. nasu criticizes that long-standing textual masculine selfishness and ego-centrism by providing that alternative choice. nasu tries to send the message that instead of sacrificing people that we hold dear, we should hold them closer, we should protect the happiness of those we love. if we all did so, then no one would ever have to be lost, nobody would ever have to be in need of saving, and in that manner, everyone would be saved. 

i said i didn’t want to talk about this in relation to agartha, but sadly this is a part of the conversation that made it here because it just happened to be relevant. agartha could have been a further exploration of this trope. penthesilea, dahut, scheherazade, and wu zetian all had their lives shaped by men. penthesilea met her death in battle, a humiliating demise on top of having her sister also being wronged by hercules, developing an understandable and perhaps even righteous grudge against male greek heroes. dahut’s demise was decided by a priest (in some versions of the story) because she was prophecized to be evil, and this could have been an opportunity to explore the classic fate discussion of “is one evil because one is born evil, or because one is made evil, and who decides what good and evil are?” 

scheherazade is obvious and many people have already touched upon her and how she could’ve been portrayed much better and nuanced. wu zetian on the other hand, constantly found herself stonewalled and impeded by men in court who absolutely did not want her to be in charge and tried to sabotage her ascension to the throne, and therefore could have been the central figure of a critical discussion of historical institutionalized misogyny and gender essentialism (rather than a reinforcing of gender essentialism via young fergus).

regardless of agartha, those are my thoughts on nasu and fate in exploring the gendered aspects of myth and how they correlate to modern literature and meda.

#type moon #fate series #fate stay night #fate grand order #fsn #fgo #fate go #fate/stay night #fate/grand order #long post

[lil-rosequartz-princess]

Profile Of A Sociopath

Glibness and Superficial Charm

Manipulative and Conning They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

Grandiose Sense of Self Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."

Pathological Lying Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

Shallow Emotions When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

Incapacity for Love

Need for Stimulation Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

Callousness/Lack of Empathy Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.

Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.

Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

Other Related Qualities:

Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them

Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them

Authoritarian

Secretive

Paranoid

Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired

Conventional appearance

Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)

Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life

Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)

Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim

Incapable of real human attachment to another

Unable to feel remorse or guilt

Extreme narcissism and grandiose

May state readily that their goal is to rule the world

(The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.)

NOTE: In the 1830's this disorder was called "moral insanity." By 1900 it was changed to "psychopathic personality." More recently it has been termed "antisocial personality disorder" in the DSM-III and DSM-IV. Some critics have complained that, in the attempt to rely only on 'objective' criteria, the DSM has broadened the concept to include too many individuals. The APD category includes people who commit illegal, immoral or self-serving acts for a variety of reasons and are not necessarily psychopaths. DSM-IV Definition Antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of regard for the moral or legal standards in the local culture. There is a marked inability to get along with others or abide by societal rules. Individuals with this disorder are sometimes called psychopaths or sociopaths. Diagnostic Criteria (DSM-IV) 1. Since the age of fifteen there has been a disregard for and violation of the right's of others, those right's considered normal by the local culture, as indicated by at least three of the following:    A. Repeated acts that could lead to arrest.    B. Conning for pleasure or profit, repeated lying, or the use of aliases.    C. Failure to plan ahead or being impulsive.    D. Repeated assaults on others.    E. Reckless when it comes to their or others safety.    F. Poor work behavior or failure to honor financial obligations.    G. Rationalizing the pain they inflict on others. 2. At least eighteen years in age. 3. Evidence of a Conduct Disorder, with its onset before the age of fifteen. 4. Symptoms not due to another mental disorder. Antisocial Personality Disorder Overview (Written by Derek Wood, RN, BSN, PhD Candidate) Antisocial Personality Disorder results in what is commonly known as a Sociopath. The criteria for this disorder require an ongoing disregard for the rights of others, since the age of 15 years. Some examples of this disregard are reckless disregard for the safety of themselves or others, failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors, deceitfulness such as repeated lying or deceit for personal profit or pleasure, and lack of remorse for actions that hurt other people in any way. Additionally, they must have evidenced a Conduct Disorder before the age of 15 years, and must be at least 18 years old to receive this diagnosis. People with this disorder appear to be charming at times, and make relationships, but to them, these are relationships in name only. They are ended whenever necessary or when it suits them, and the relationships are without depth or meaning, including marriages. They seem to have an innate ability to find the weakness in people, and are ready to use these weaknesses to their own ends through deceit, manipulation, or intimidation, and gain pleasure from doing so. They appear to be incapable of any true emotions, from love to shame to guilt. They are quick to anger, but just as quick to let it go, without holding grudges. No matter what emotion they state they have, it has no bearing on their future actions or attitudes. They rarely are able to have jobs that last for any length of time, as they become easily bored, instead needing constant change. They live for the moment, forgetting the past, and not planning the future, not thinking ahead what consequences their actions will have. They want immediate rewards and gratification. There currently is no form of psychotherapy that works with those with antisocial personality disorder, as those with this disorder have no desire to change themselves, which is a prerequisite. No medication is available either. The only treatment is the prevention of the disorder in the early stages, when a child first begins to show the symptoms of conduct disorder. THE PSYCHOPATH NEXT DOOR (Source: http://chericola57.tripod.com/infinite.html) Psychopath. We hear the word and images of Bernardo, Manson and Dahmer pop into our heads; no doubt Ted Bundy too. But they're the bottom of the barrel -- most of the two million psychopaths in North America aren't murderers. They're our friends, lovers and co-workers. They're outgoing and persuasive, dazzling you with charm and flattery. Often you aren't even aware they've taken you for a ride -- until it's too late. Psychopaths exhibit a Jekyll and Hyde personality. "They play a part so they can get what they want," says Dr. Sheila Willson, a Toronto psychologist who has helped victims of psychopaths. The guy who showers a woman with excessive attention is much more capable of getting her to lend him money, and to put up with him when he strays. The new employee who gains her co-workers' trust has more access to their chequebooks. And so on. Psychopaths have no conscience and their only goal is self-gratification. Many of us have been their victims -- at work, through friendships or relationships -- and not one of us can say, "a psychopath could never fool me." Think you can spot one? Think again. In general, psychopaths aren't the product of broken homes or the casualties of a materialistic society. Rather they come from all walks of life and there is little evidence that their upbringing affects them. Elements of a psychopath's personality first become evident at a very early age, due to biological or genetic factors. Explains Michael Seto, a psychologist at the Centre for Addiction and Mental health in Toronto, by the time that a person hits their late teens, the disorder is almost certainly permanent. Although many clinicians use the terms psychopath and sociopath interchangeably, writes psychopath expert Robert Hare on his book 'Without Conscience', a sociopath's criminal behavior is shaped by social forces and is the result of a dysfunctional environment. Psychopaths have only a shallow range of emotions and lack guilt, says Hare. They often see themselves as victims, and lack remorse or the ability to empathize with others. "Psychopaths play on the fact that most of us are trusting and forgiving people," adds Seto. The warning signs are always there; it's just difficult to see them because once we trust someone, the friendship becomes a blinder. Even lovers get taken for a ride by psychopaths. For a psychopath, a romantic relationship is just another opportunity to find a trusting partner who will buy into the lies. It's primarily why a psychopath rarely stays in a relationship for the long term, and often is involved with three or four partners at once, says Willson. To a psychopath, everything about a relationship is a game. Willson refers to the movie 'Sliding Doors' to illustrate her point. In the film, the main character comes home early after just having been fired from her job. Only moments ago, her boyfriend has let another woman out the front door. But in a matter of minutes he is the attentive and concerned boyfriend, taking her out to dinner and devoting the entire night to comforting her. All the while he's planning to leave the next day on a trip with the other woman. The boyfriend displays typical psychopathic characteristics because he falsely displays deep emotion toward the relationship, says Willson. In reality, he's less concerned with his girlfriend's depression than with making sure she's clueless about the other woman's existence. In the romance department, psychopaths have an ability to gain your affection quickly, disarming you with words, intriguing you with grandiose plans. If they cheat you'll forgive them, and one day when they've gone too far, they'll leave you with a broken heart (and an empty wallet). By then they'll have a new player for their game. The problem with their game is that we don't often play by their rules. Where we might occasionally tell a white lie, a psychopath's lying is compulsive. Most of us experience some degree of guilt about lying, preventing us from exhibiting such behavior on a regular basis. "Psychopaths don't discriminate who it is they lie to or cheat," says Seto. "There's no distinction between friend, family and sucker." No one wants to be the sucker, so how do we prevent ourselves from becoming close friends or getting into a relationship with a psychopath? It's really almost impossible, say Seto and Willson. Unfortunately, laments Seto, one way is to become more suspicious and less trusting of others. Our tendency is to forgive when we catch a loved one in a lie. "Psychopaths play on this fact," he says. "However, I'm certainly not advocating a world where if someone lies once or twice, you never speak to them again." What you can do is look at how often someone lies and how they react when caught. Psychopaths will lie over and over again, and where other people would sincerely apologize, a psychopath may apologize but won't stop. Psychopaths also tend to switch jobs as frequently as they switch partners, mainly because they don't have the qualities to maintain a job for the long haul. Their performance is generally erratic, with chronic absences, misuse of company resources and failed commitments. Often they aren't even qualified for the job and use fake credentials to get it. Seto talks of a patient who would get marketing jobs based on his image; he was a presentable and charming man who layered his conversations with educational and occupational references. But it became evident that the man hadn't a clue what he was talking about, and was unable to hold down a job. How do you make sure you don't get fooled when you're hiring someone to baby-sit your child or for any other job? Hire based on reputation and not image, says Willson. Check references thoroughly. Psychopaths tend to give vague and inconsistent replies. Of course the best way to solve this problem would be to cure psychopaths of their 'illness.' But there's no recipe for treating them, say psychiatrists. Today's traditional methods of psychotherapy (psychoanalysis, group and one-on-one therapy) and drug treatments have failed. Therapy is more likely to work when an individual admits there's a problem and wants to change. The common problem with psychopaths, says Sets, "Is they don't see a problem with their behavior." Psychopaths don't seek therapy willingly, says Seto. Rather, they're pushed into it by a desperate relative or by a court order. To a psychopath, a therapist is just one more person who must be conned, and the psychopath plays the part right until the therapist is convinced of his or her 'rehabilitation.' Even though we can't treat psychopaths effectively with therapy, it doesn't mean we can't protect ourselves, writes Hare. Willson agrees, citing the most important factor in keeping psychopaths at bay is to know your vulnerabilities. We need to "realize our own potential and maximize our strengths" so that our insecurities don't overcome us. Because, she says, a psychopath is a chameleon who becomes "an image of what you haven't done for yourself." Over time, she says, "their appearance of perfection will begin to crack," but by that time you will have been emotionally and perhaps financially scathed. There comes a time when you realize there's no point in searching for answers; the only thing is to move on. Taken in part from MW -- By Caroline Konrad -- September 1999 THE MALIGNANT PERSONALITY: These people are mentally ill and extremely dangerous! The following precautions will help to protect you from the destructive acts of which they are capable. First, to recognize them, keep the following guidelines in mind. (1) They are habitual liars. They seem incapable of either knowing or telling the truth about anything. (2) They are egotistical to the point of narcissism. They really believe they are set apart from the rest of humanity by some special grace. (3) They scapegoat; they are incapable of either having the insight or willingness to accept responsibility for anything they do. Whatever the problem, it is always someone else's fault. (4) They are remorselessly vindictive when thwarted or exposed. (5) Genuine religious, moral, or other values play no part in their lives. They have no empathy for others and are capable of violence. Under older psychological terminology, they fall into the category of psychopath or sociopath, but unlike the typical psychopath, their behavior is masked by a superficial social facade. If you have come into conflict with such a person or persons, do the following immediately! (1) Notify your friends and relatives of what has happened. Do not be vague. Name names, and specify dates and circumstances. Identify witnesses if possible and provide supporting documentation if any is available. (2) Inform the police. The police will do nothing with this information except to keep it on file, since they are powerless to act until a crime has been committed. Unfortunately, that often is usually too late for the victim. Nevertheless, place the information in their hands. Obviously, if you are assaulted or threatened before witnesses, you can get a restraining order, but those are palliative at best. (3) Local law enforcement agencies are usually under pressure if wealthy or politically powerful individuals are involved, so include state and federal agencies as well and tell the locals that you have. In my own experience, one agency that can help in a pinch is the Criminal Investigation Division of the Internal Revenue Service or (in Canada) Victims Services at your local police unit. It is not easy to think of the IRS as a potential friend, but a Swedish study showed that malignant types (the Swedes called them bullies) usually commit some felony or other by the age of twenty. If the family is wealthy, the fact may never come to light, but many felonies involve tax evasion, and in such cases, the IRS is interested indeed. If large amounts of money are involved, the IRS may solve all your problems for you. For obvious reasons the Drug Enforcement Agency may also be an appropriate agency to approach. The FBI is an important agency to contact, because although the FBI does not have jurisdiction over murder or assault, if informed, they do have an active interest in any other law enforcement agencies that do not follow through with an honest investigation and prosecution should a murder occur. Civil rights are involved at that point. No local crooked lawyer, judge, or corrupt police official wants to be within a country mile if that comes to light! It is in such cases that wealthy psychopaths discover just how firm the "friends" they count on to cover up for them really are! Even some of the drug cartel biggies will scuttle for cover if someone picks up the brick their thugs hide under. Exposure is bad for business. (4) Make sure that several of your friends have the information in the event something happens to you. That way, an appropriate investigation will follow if you are harmed. Don't tell other people who has the information, because then something bad could happen to them as well. Instruct friends to take such an incident to the newspapers and other media. If you are dealing with someone who has considerable money, you must realize that they probably won't try to harm you themselves, they will contract with someone to make the hit. The malignant type is a coward and will not expose himself or herself to personal danger if he or she can avoid it.

#sociopath antisocialpersonalitydisorder staysafe abusiverelationships psychology

[beneaththetangles]

Fate Apocrypha: Gno-ing Better and Actually Doing It

The two Christian characters of Fate Apocrypha are our final subject in this series. Amakusa Shiro Tokisada and Jeanne d’Arc are keystone examples of the recurring “first rule of Fate club:” every character in the series is wrong on some level. But while those characters may meet or fall short of the standard from moment to moment, it’s clear that both righteousness and truth exist in the Fate universe in a way which makes Fate believably human and complex. If Jeanne was simply the devout Christian smiling benevolently and shimmering as she hovers a little off the ground, while Amakusa Shirou was the mustache-twirling villain, cackling as he ties orthodoxy to the train tracks, we could compare their Christian beliefs in a nice neat little article, restating a bunch of stuff which probably would’ve been clear to you already. Thankfully, Fate is quite a bit more complex than that. And so, I’m going to give Amakusa Shirou Tokisada and Jeanne d’Arc their own separate articles, starting this week with Amakusa Shirou.

There are two key points to understanding the historically Christian character Amakusa Shirou Tokisada. The first is that, as the chief villain of the story, he embodies most if not all of the villainous traits mentioned in the preceding articles. Second, you must understand that Shirou’s “christianity” isn’t an orthodox Christianity but a form of Christian Gnosticism. So, naturally, we must ask: what is gnosticism? For the context of this article, it’s relevant to know that the gnostics are a heretical sect of Christianity. Christian Gnosticism arose soon after the time of Jesus’s death and resurrection, if not earlier in a less established, more mystical, form. It is generally believed that gnosticism acted like a kind of ideological leech, latching onto popular movements like Greek Platonism and the rich and complex Judeo-Christian tradition from which it could spin it’s own philosophies and mythologies.

For this reason, it can be difficult to nail down a proper list of what all gnostics believe. Gnostics often thrived on the momentum of their host movement and being able to claim that while Plato or the apostle Paul (etc.) had the right idea, only they, the Gnostics, had the true gnosis, the complete knowledge of spiritual mysteries. However, one belief underlying most if not all of gnosticism and to which people often refer when they describe something as “gnostic” is the esteem of the spiritual and the belief that matter is evil and irredeemable. It is from this position that Christian Gnostics denounce the incarnation of Jesus and the physical, bodily resurrection. Their belief regarding the absolute purity of spirit does not allow for God’s perfection to inhabit evil human flesh. There are various gnostic explanatory contortions used to get around the idea of a bodily resurrection, but the principle denial remains the same.

In the Fate universe, we find both “heroic” spirits and fleshly human beings, but there is another category of existence somewhere in between. Homunculi are basically an organization of magical circuits synthesized by mages to bear a human resemblance. They are able to act as servants and even soldiers, but are not considered human since they lack a human spirit, do not require food or sleep, and have muted emotional capacity. Being so existentially neutral, there are varying opinions about homunculi, from Avicebron’s belief that they are little more than batteries of magical energy to Amakusa Shirou’s belief that they are effectually the perfect existence. Now, someone like Amakusa Shirou doesn’t think homunculi are any more human than Avicebron does, but that inhumanity is precisely the quality he desires most. Amakusa Shirou even imitates homunculi as far as he is able, claiming to have “discarded hate and all other emotions” (1.24 “The Holy Grail War”).

But unfortunately for Shirou, he is incorrect to think he has rid himself of hate since there is one person in particular whom he hates very much. As he watches Sieg uses a command seal to assume the spiritual essence of the hero Siegfried, Shirou cannot contain his spite: “How foolish. Even with an ephemeral life span, a perfect existence is more sacred. […] That useless being will self-destruct if we wait long enough (1.10 “Like Scattered Petals”). Why is it that Sieg gets underneath the skin of a man who swore he had rid himself of emotion? Sieg is the antithesis of Shirou’s desires: Sieg is a homunculus who was not only given a heart that made him human, but has gladly accepted it and allows that human, heroic spirit to dwell within and subsume his own. Sieg is willfully tainting the perfect essence Shirou so values by embracing human flesh. To put it another way, Shirou has the same problem with Sieg that Gnostics have with the incarnate Christ Jesus.

These are some very gnostic-sounding convictions, but how did he come by them? In life, Shirou believed that his Christian faith would grant him success in battle because his rebellion against religious persecution and oppressive taxation was just. However, his contingent of Roman Catholic rebels lost to the shogunate and were massacred after a member of his army betrayed the rebellion for selfish gain. Shirou’s faith was shaken and, wracked with the guilt of having led people who trusted him into a failed rebellion, he is summoned onto the scene of Great Holy Grail War with the wish to not only eliminate death but the conviction that it is human flesh which compels us toward fatally selfish desires like those of his betrayer and enemies.

His only problem is the haunting truths of his previously-biblical faith. He acknowledges that the Holy Grail for which the heroic spirits have been summoned to fight is not the actual grail of their faith, from which Jesus instituted the first Holy Communion (2.13 “The Last Master”). His wish for the grail, to remove the physical element of existence so as to remove the instinct for self-preservation and thereby the occurrence of physical death, only serves to show his belief in how the theocentric world works: “it is appointed unto men once to die, and after this the judgment” (Heb. 9:27). His actions testify that he has abandoned God’s biblical plan for man’s salvation, and yet every attempt requires him to try navigating around biblical truth in order to accomplish his wish.

And if you aren’t convinced by the biblical case for Shirou’s foolishness, Fate Apocrypha’s established character tropes testify in kind. His belief that he acts altruistically out of a love for humanity while he nurses a hatred for Sieg who slowly comes to resemble humanity only proves that Amakusa Shirou has more in common with Avicebron’s selfish hatred of humanity than he realizes. He also reflects Berserker’s madness in that neither his 60 years of ingeniously detailed planning nor his extreme suffering prevented him from pursuing an impossible goal with ineffectual means. And, in his refusal to acknowledge the reality of the world around him and of his own desires, he becomes as lawless as Jack and as bitter as Mordred.

Ultimately we see in Amakusa Shirou’s wish the same issue at play in the gnostic faith as it sought to use the truth of God’s Word to formulate its own special knowledge:

“So they are without excuse. For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools.”

– Romans 1:18-32

#Anime #Christianity #Gnosticism #Fate Apocrypha #Amakusa Shirou Tokisada #Ruler #Shirou Kotomine #Articles

[jatamansi-arc]

so, the second time i watched annihilation, i have a lot of feelings about it. like a lot lot. and i’m not sure if anyone else will agree with me, but i’m gonna fucking dump all my notes here so i can come back to them here and see how i feel about them in subsequent viewings.

i really love the movie, though. i liked it the first time, but i loved it this time. so much. definitely one of my favorite movies ever. maybe actually up there with everything is illuminated with being my actual favorite.

spoilers, y’all.

the first time you watch this movie, you walk away blown away, going AAAAaaaaAAaaAHGFJ about it. the second time you watch it? they aren’t kidding when they say everything has double meanings. literally everything does. i think that’s half the reason that makes it so much fun to slowly dissect.

annihilation isn’t a story about depression, though i can see how it’d be read that way very easily. there are tons of elements that would lead you to that conclusion. rather, i’ve come to the conclusion that it’s one about the competition between our tendency for self-destruction and our capacity to forgive. it’s a love story.

the most important thing that annihilation repeatedly touches on, is really playing with philosophical and allegorical extremes and dismantling them. the question of whether something is a scientific proof or a sign of faith is posed to lena several times in the film, and the question is never answered but carefully balanced. and it’s shown time and time and time again, in sweeping scale and in minute details. for example: ventress, the pinnacle of the rational and higher thought, has a name that draws its source from a term meant to show someone’s ability to take brazen risks. she takes her notes when talking to lena with artist grade sketching pencils. ventress’ mask is good, but she is desperate dreamer who wants to see what lies beyond the shimmer before her body takes the chance from her.

all of the main characters’ names, however, were picked very specifically. 

lena: short for helena, which can be taken to mean ‘torch.’ there’s the whole thing about helen of troy eloping and causing the trojan war to bring her home, too. but more importantly, i firmly believe it’s also a play on the hela cell line.

anya: ties to anna, a prophetess of the bible, who preached of redemption and experienced deep loss early in her life.

cass: short for cassandra, another prophetess, but one who was cursed so that her words wouldn’t be heeded until it was too late. she was also connected to troy.

josie: josephine is the feminine form of joseph, and the father of jesus is the patron saint of contentful death, and is almost always displayed surrounded in his field by flowers meant to represent purity and resurrection.

kane: from o catháin, which means war like or battle. 

everyone in kane’s group had a surname that has been shared among three kinds of famous people in every instance: a scientist, a religious scholar, and an author. it was weird enough to note.

area x is in an area that’s remote and has alligators, but the thing that makes it interesting, is that bears and alligators don’t have much overlapping territory. this means if it wasn’t already a giant red fucking flag to begin with, our furry friend is a composite from the shimmer.

the shimmer may be alien or it may be biblical; the reality of it doesn’t much matter. what it does, is take the cells of the dead and dying and recycle them. when ventress talks about how a shark and alligator are clearly intermingling genetically and lena dismisses it, lena isn’t wrong, but lena’s error is that she’s not thinking broadly enough.

cass is the first one to drop the hint, right after we get lena talking about the bruise that she gets with the fight with the alligator. it’s where the tattoo would eventually be later on -- except there is a hitch. cass is also clearly skeptical of this, and it reads easily on her face, before she talks about her daughter dying of leukemia and how she died, emotionally, with her. it’s a hint that lena’s cells immediately begin to mutate once this happened. whatever the shimmer is, it takes hox genes, which are what hold the entirety of our genomes, and is trying to manipulate and recode what it can with what’s available. this isn’t evolution, but a sort of intelligent design with very limited resources and a finite understanding of what it’s doing. it’s creating immortal cell lines, though, and the hints are dropped about five thousand times over.

the man that kane and his crew kill likely had cancer. look at how prolifically his cells were mutating before he died, and his complete lack of reaction while being otherwise vivisected. what’s even more interesting is that ventress, who otherwise never gives a fucking shit about anyone, is visibly shaken for the only time in the movie. she was the one who was in charge of area x. she knew about everyone going in there. it’s much more likely she’d have an investment in knowing what happened to someone else who was ‘self-destructing’ for a similar reason to her.

once she has her answer, it’s straight back to business.

the reason the bear is tragic -- and ultimately horrific -- is because it was spliced together from bits and pieces of dna by a being that has never seen a fucking bear besides the hyperstylized one that was on kane’s chest. it wanted to build what it saw. it was curious. it looks like his tattoo; look at it closer when you get a chance.

it’s furthermore meant to represent kane’s fear. absorbing cass’ voice as its call is only meant to really drive the metaphor home, and to make josie’s decision in the next arc all the more poignant.

the symbolism behind the bear, by the by, is a lot of things. most important is the duality of the male and female. it’s one of the rare animals that represents both sexes. bears also represent a desire for answers and, again, resurrection. 

and when looking for cass, lena sees two deer, who are again another rare animal who represent both sexes and are oftentimes portents of death and a hope for a return to life after that death.

anya’s role in these scenes is important because they’re allegorical. the implication that lena’s and kane’s addiction to their careers is what kept them apart is certainly clear, and it’s not just casual happenstance that anya self-destructs in a house that’s a carbon copy of kane’s and lena’s home. anya’s death is meant to represent breaking the cycle of addiction (even if you’re terrified) and the beginning of the resurrection of kane and lena’s relationship. she was the paramedic, after all.

she’s also meant to stand in for kane here, because her words are meant to be accusatory towards lena, as if it were kane saying them about her cheating. 

“ you don’t get to ask that question, you lying bitch! you get to answer it!”

“what we know now -- what we know, is that lena is a liar.”

^ that one is really fucking important okay

who delivers the death blows against the bear is important. it’s josie. young, doe-eyed and fresh faced josie who is full of life and has dedicated her life to studying the science understanding the interactions between matter. who eventually gives her life over to the entire process, but not before saying something really important to lena:

‘imagine dying in fear. i wouldn’t like that at all.”

THAT’S GONNA BE RELEVANT HERE SHORTLY HANG ON.

by the by: lena finds out her humanity is slowly leaving her at the same table where we see kane time and time again. kane’s self-destruction is external while lena’s is internal, at least at the time. 

josie, anya and lena are not impacted in the same way that kane, vertress and other clearly sick people who have gone into the shimmer are. or, at least, not at the same pace. it makes me have the theory that lena thought kane learned that she was cheating, but kane was perhaps hiding something much worse. there could be a lot said about what guilt does to people, on both sides. they may have both been hiding things. it really twists the whole plot to an interesting angle if the reason kane was sitting, so melancholic and distant, was not because he knew about lena and daniel, but because he was angry and upset at himself for not being able to tell his wife that he may have been seriously ill. it may also be why the clone of him suddenly crashed once it’d been outside, in the real world, as well?

it further tells an interesting tale if you read that dying in the shimmer causes a far faster progression of mutation and, in a sense, almost a sort of dementia. kane may have lost himself entirely over the course of what felt like 10-12 days, knowing very little in the end other than he truly loved lena.

regardless of my theories on it, the shimmer is still literally kane’s feelings of adoration towards lena on display. if you debate me on this point i will fucking fight you.

coming back to allegory: kane’s self-immolation was meant to represent genesis and the big bang. lena’s fight with clone!lena is a battle with what’s meant to be the perils of knowledge (and forgiveness/grief, I think, honestly) and her eventual departure from what’s clearly meant to be a garden of eden metaphor. the phosphorus grenade, the second time around, is meant to be the fruit of knowledge.

it was clone!lena that survived imho, because original!lena didn’t have the tattoo by that point. clone!lena did the instant she was made. and the instant whatever lena did survive made it outside, she pulled down her sleeves.

when she’s being asked questions at the end, she literally mimics clone!kane to perfection. she even drinks the water, with the hint in the glass that two become one via the pooling on the side of the glass. it’s, furthermore, a throwback and lead-in to the next scene, serving as a reminder to the very beginning of the movie when lena talks about how cells reproduce. one becoming two, two becoming four, etc. but as one of my friends said, sometimes two need to become one first. GOOD POINT IT WAS A GOOD POINT.

in the end, it really didn’t matter which lena survived, because lena’s an unreliable narrator and ultimately lying to get exactly what she wants. if they knew the reality, they’d never let them be in a room together. the book talks about biological imperatives a lot and the movie deviates pretty strongly from it, but this was an instance where you definitely get exactly that vibe. this is adam and eve on a whole new, cosmic scale.

when she asks kane if he’s himself and he says no, he returns the favor. lena doesn’t answer the question. kane’s facial expressions are very telling, but i’m not going to tell you what they are if you didn’t see them. then we get the shimmer eyes and it makes me very happy okay.

the amount of fucking times the immortal life of henrietta lacks is referenced in this movie DRIVES ME BATTY but in a good way??

#ooc #annihilation #i'm going to regret tagging this #but i just wrote this for like two hours so fuck it

[jadeandsunsets-blog]

Deceit - Chapter 11 (Complicated Hiccstrid)

Another longer hiatus than planned, but so glad to finally get this chapter up.

Angst and awkwardness galore! With Astrid’s secret out in the open, our favorite riders have a lot to talk about.

Previous chapters

Rated T - Minor Language & References to Adult Themes

The passage of time was nearly impossible for Hiccup to gauge. Between a lack of sunlight and his own exhaustion, his senses had dulled, leading him to distrust his own perception.

There were several times where he caught himself forgetting to open his eyes after blinking - almost drifting off to sleep before he would realize and jolt awake. There was never any danger when he shocked himself back to consciousness, but his anxious thoughts refused to accept that rest was an option.

Still, there was nothing to preoccupy himself with in the cramped little space. He was uncomfortably warm, which only compounded his worsening fatigue.

And the familiar, steady rhythm of Astrid's breath wasn't helping at all.

Casting a careful glance towards the young woman, he was relieved to see that she had finally fallen asleep after restless bouts of tossing and turning.

It wasn't the first time that Hiccup found himself looking over at the messy head of blonde hair; the golden color only visible through the occasional lick of firelight. Her usually immaculate braid had largely unraveled, with wide sections hanging loosely to cascade upon the ground. Several strands stuck to her sweaty face and neck, clinging to flushed cheeks and tickling at her wrinkling nose.

Without thinking, Hiccup gingerly reached across to brush the hair off her skin and tuck it behind her ear.

Even before completing the motion, he admonished himself for his own sentimentality. He was, after all, furious. As he was supposed to be.

He was hurt, and wronged. After months of struggling to justify the suspicion he carried for one of the people he depended on the most, he had been vindicated.

He had been right, and yet also so very, very wrong.

Lips pursed, Hiccup released a deep breath through his nostrils. His irritated stomach churned with stress, and he swallowed back the acid that threatened to escape. Overwhelmed, he shifted his gaze away from her, and tried to settle his gut as well as his troubled mind.

Despite the fact that he had spoken to Astrid more in a few hours than he had in months, there was little to no resolution from Hiccup's perspective. Both had been talking almost exclusively AT each other; dredging up thick layers of resentment and fear that had steadily accumulated over time. The result left him feeling lighter in some respects, but painfully raw and exposed.

He wondered if Astrid felt the same way: depleted from an emotionally exhausting marathon yet still somehow feeling more hurt than when they started. Everything was out in the open and avoidance was no longer an option for anyone.

But that was the real issue...despite everything, neither was being completely transparent. Whatever it was that she still stubbornly hid, it was difficult to imagine what could be more shameful than everything else that had transpired. Hiccup didn't know whether to be angry or terrified by what he didn't know.

And all the while, he chastised himself for his own hypocrisy. He had been somewhat honest when he admitted to having "ideas" about how to deal with the Hunters, but those plans were far more fleshed out than he let on.

For years Astrid had been his closest confidant – the one he looked to for perfecting any strategy. But she couldn't know this time. It took him five agonizing months to develop a terrible plan that had even the slightest hope of overtaking Viggo.

There was too much at stake – especially knowing what Hiccup knew then – and he couldn't deviate.

Wouldn't.

No matter how disappointed she would undoubtedly be in him when all was said and done.

Daring to look back again at Astrid, Hiccup desperately wanted to see someone he didn't recognize anymore. As though it would somehow help him…make it easier to enforce a necessary distance between them. Enough so that the threat of her disapproval no longer stung. It should have been possible – in many ways she had been acting like an entirely different person.

But as he watched her hand loosely grip the fabric of her hangerok, and the apple of her cheek rise as she sleepily tucked her chin to her chest, he only saw the same girl he had always known.

With so many thoughts and emotions battling for dominance, the one that still won out time and time again was the relief of knowing that, at least for that moment, she was safe.

Though the light was slowly dying, the prevailing shadows emphasized the curve of Astrid's stomach as her fingers sluggishly threaded at the panel of her dress. The sight made Hiccup swallow heavily - a painful feat when his throat was so parched. Trying to align the visible lump under her clothes with a living, growing child was beyond comprehension.

He had never watched a mother or an aunt carry a baby; had no siblings to serve as a reference for what it meant to even be around an infant, let alone be near one for any period of time. There was only the vague idea that he would one day, after many, many years, be a father.

And yet, there he was.

How was he supposed to feel?

The terror was obvious.

After nearly two years of gradually adjusting into young adulthood, he had only recently begun to relish the independence that came with this new identity. It was empowering, though admittedly intimidating at times, to realize that his decisions were truly his own. Before the weight of this epiphany bore down on him thanks to Viggo's disruptive arrival, Hiccup was starting to feel like he was coming into his own self. That he could take on anything, especially with Toothless and his friends at his side.

And then, in an instant, he suddenly didn't feel very grown up at all.

Adults had children. Responsible, established, actual grown-ups were capable of raising families. Not scrawny and awkward sort-of-adults who were still bumbling aimlessly through their own lives. Especially those who would rather live on the back of a dragon than in their own homeland.

Adults somehow knew how to take care of kids. They had the basic building blocks – some kind of intangible magic - that suddenly imbibed them with the awesome power of shaping a small and barely formed creature into their final being. Of handling that incredible responsibility without having a nervous breakdown or irreparably damaging their unfortunate offspring. Not that it always happened that way; but the opportunity was there.

Hiccup was…lacking. In what, he wasn't sure, but he felt in the pit of his gut that whatever it was that this poor child would need in its life, it was almost certainly just out of his reach.

He felt shame – suddenly fully aware of the consequences beyond the inherent risks that he had only briefly allowed himself to acknowledge. It was hard to remember how those fleeting yet vivid moments of fear were so carelessly swept aside. Not why, of course. He clearly remembered that. But while the constant threat never disappeared entirely from his mind, it just seemed…distant. Unlikely. Perhaps years of repeatedly facing terrible odds and always managing to make it through (relatively) unscathed had made him complacent.

Hel, it made him downright cocky.

Muffling a reflexive huff as he mentally smacked himself, Hiccup's anxious fingers wove tightly together.

For years he had ricocheted back and forth – between knowing everything and understanding nothing. He logically accepted that that the truth was nestled somewhere in the middle of the two extremes. But as he sat helplessly deep underground in enemy territory, he was overcome by how his inability to find that balance had ultimately ruined him. And all of them.

His shaking hand swiped over his forehead, pulling away droplets of sweat. Hiccup's heart pounded. All thought honed on the fear of what it all meant - for him, and Astrid. Toothless. All of the dragons, their team, and Berk.

Seconds away from being pulled down too deep – an unpleasant state that he had become far too accustomed to – a murmur interrupted Hiccup's descent.

Gaze shooting up from his clinched hands to Astrid's shifting form, Hiccup froze. The sounds of a heavy exhale hit his ear, and it took a full second to realize that the labored breath was his own.

His lips clamping shut, and he forced himself to draw in air quietly through his nose. The thrum of his pulse slowed, and soon the only noise was Astrid's soft mumbling before she stilled once more.

Back in the present moment, and more aware of how much sound he was capable of making when teetering on the edge of panic, Hiccup felt a pang of guilt for disrupting her sleep again.

When he had initially encouraged Astrid to take the first rest shift, it had admittedly been for his own selfish needs. He had to be alone – to process everything and privately grieve.

But seeing her so fitful – and noticing the unusual blotchiness of her complexion and darkening around her eyes – he was suddenly much more concerned for her health. Despite knowing how strong and capable she was, he had always needlessly worried about her. For the first time, his worry felt fully warranted. And that scared him.

All this time, she had been trying to manage the pressures their entire team faced, while also discreetly caring for herself and a growing child. Hiccup still didn't understand why she decided to take that on completely alone, but nonetheless, he recognized how much responsibility she silently bore.

And to Astrid's credit: she had been eating when she could, and rested when able. Until this most recent act of defiance, she had begrudgingly abided by his orders and stayed out of combat. A part of him had been, admittedly, shocked that she hadn't elbowed her way back into a fight before then – she was, after all, Astrid. This atypical restraint suddenly made more sense in Hiccup's mind, and his simmering resentment was somewhat cooled in appreciation of her protection of their child.

"Their child". Gods, no matter how many times he thought about it the words still sounded strange…

Eyes unfocused as he stole another glance at Astrid's swollen stomach, Hiccup's tight features slowly released.

With all of the emotions swirling around his head – some well-known and others new – there was one that was especially hard for Hiccup to define. Something entirely unexpected.

It didn't carry the same overbearing heaviness as the other feelings, and didn't instill a sense of dread.

It wasn't quite happiness, but certainly somewhat closer. An odd and senseless pride despite everything in him that warred against the notion that any good could come from their situation. They had made a life. A life. Unwittingly, perhaps, but still…it was a humbling thought to be certain.

They were, for better or worse, parents now. And it was normal for parents to feel…something, right?

This, in turn, birthed a new feeling - a remorse that there was a need to put so much emphasis on the harm that came with it all. It felt wrong. Unnatural.

Hiccup had never considered how he would want to one day, in a very theoretical sense, discover that they were having a child. But this certainly wasn't it.

Huh…"they".

He flinched, realizing that even in his subconscious, despite everything, he had somehow solidified the fact that any children he had would have to come from Astrid. That was sobering, to say the least.

Scratching at his jaw awkwardly, Hiccup accepted that the vague wisps of his future that he purposely ignored was more defied than he ever imagined.

He must have assumed that when this moment came there would be no shame or secrecy surrounding it. They would be married, or at the very least betrothed. The idea that they wouldn't even be a couple seemed absurd. They would be together with a family, or separate without. There was no middle ground there.

And yet, there they were.

As he allowed himself to check the underlying assumptions that he unknowingly held, Hiccup realized he intrinsically anticipated that such news would be…good. Even positive.

Honestly, more than that - a genuinely happy occasion. Not only for them and their families, but for the entire tribe. An heir wasn't born every day, after all, and it would no doubt bring a certain amount of fanfare. Their townsmen would wish them well; likely help out the new family as they witnessed their future Chief grow once more.

Of course, no one would be more proud and boisterous than…

Oh.

Oh, damn.

His dad.

His very large, extremely loud, and, at times, vindictive dad.

Attempting to quash the vivid image of Stoick's reddening face returning a soul-rending glare, Hiccup shuddered. That was not a conversation that he was looking forward to – in this world or the next.

Mouth tugging into a frown, he felt ill as he began to see all of the implications of their choices and how far off course they were from anything resembling his expectations. This was not what should have been.

Yes, they would still have been terrified, because they were young, and stupid, and had no clue what they were doing. Not because they were freefalling through chaos with no foundation under their feet.

Hiccup thought about what Astrid had said: that acknowledging the child meant the end of many things. And while it was difficult to even consider the possibility that they would all make it off of Dragon Hunter Island, if they somehow did, he had no doubt she was right.

They would return to Berk immediately, and marry. It wouldn't be long before he had to take on the mantle as Chief. There would be no more adventuring for days or weeks, or especially months. The maps he had started to draft, still covered with expansive blank spaces that promised discoveries in every direction, would be folded up and put away - eventually forgotten. The only dragons he would know would be those that resided on their island or occasionally migrated over its waters.

Hiccup would be lying if he didn't admit how suffocating that all seemed – an inevitable future he had resigned himself to but far more quickly than he had ever feared.

But looking over at Astrid, a dull ache radiated from Hiccup's chest. What was the alternative? He had no idea what options she may have considered over the weeks; where that would take her and the child she carried.

Even as he briefly, for less than a full second, entertained the possibility of continuing to indulge in his wanderlust and forsaking responsibility for unrealized dreams that may exist...any momentary spark of excitement was immediately smothered by the oppressive loss that came with her hypothetical absence.

Whether they ever got back to where they used to be or not, he couldn't imagine living a life without Astrid in it.

And knowing now that he would not only be missing her, but also a living piece of them? No.

Still...

Hiccup swallowed heavily, feeling it painfully catch midway down his throat. Tapping his fingertips together anxiously, his exhausted gaze locked on Astrid as he tried yet again to grapple with how very real it all was.

He had spent week after week obsessing over every possible scenario they could face. His greatest fears had replayed over and over in his mind – a futile effort to prepare himself to act when all he would want to do was fall apart.

After living through theories and hypotheticals for so long…immersed in countless emotions that were tied to speculation over reality…it was easy to forget that the weight he felt wasn't the result of fixating on what could happen anymore. It had happened.

And as weary eyes began to blur, unfixed with fatigue and the subtle sting of frustrated tears, Hiccup released a trembling sigh.

Oh, dear merciful Frigg. He wasn't ready.

Hiccup wasn't sure when his heavy eyelids drifted down and how much time had passed since, but he found himself yet again startled awake.

This time, however, there was a reason.

Blinking rapidly, his pupils contracted against harsh light. He forced himself to be more alert, suddenly aware of what sounded like the soft padding of footsteps.

That was enough to clear his head.

His eyes darted to where Astrid slept, confirming that she hadn't moved. Other than turning at some point so that her back was to him, she was in the exact same spot.

Hiccup listened closely for the sound, starting to second-guess that he heard anything at all. Considering the amount of sleep deprivation he faced, it seemed unlikely that it wouldn't take a toll on his senses. Though as he squinted into the firelight that flowed in from the cavern, he did wonder why it seemed so much brighter than before.

Sitting quietly for several more minutes, Hiccup listened intently for any sign of movement outside of their enclosure. For the briefest second, he could have sworn he heard someone taking in a breath. But glancing back at Astrid, he realized that it was far most likely just her making noises in her sleep.

Growing embarrassed by his jittery behavior, Hiccup forced his muscles to relax as he slumped back against the cavern wall at his back.

Reassured by the continued calm, he fought the temptation to close his eyes again.

But before he even had an opportunity to risk drifting off, a distinct rustle from above caused his eyes to snap open wide, and he looked up at the gap in the rocks. Now he was certain - the light was much brighter.

Startled, Hiccup hurried to his feet, glancing at Astrid's prone form. He was about to shout for her, when something moving caught his attention.

Eyes darting back to the light, he saw the flame of a torch come into view – along with Heather's curious face.

Mouth open as he gulped down air, Hiccup's tensed shoulders collapsed as he met the woman's gaze. Still, his fingers flexed as they hovered near the hilt of his sword.

"What do you want?" he quietly hissed, eyes narrowing.

Carefully testing the strength of the rocks around her, Heather then leaned forward to brace her elbow against a stone. Her lips twisted into a tight smirk.

"Nice to see you too", she quipped flatly, unbothered by Hiccup's glare.

When the young man scowled at her response, she glanced down at Astrid, allowing her expression to soften.

"How is she?" Heather asked, her tone more gentle.

Hiccup's brow creased, lip curling. "Are we really going to go through all this again? So you can act like you care?"

Heather's lips stuck out into a pout. A flash of offense quickly eroded, and she anxiously ran her fingers over her braid as she looked down sheepishly.

"I do care", she insisted, daring to meet his stare only for a moment before retreating. She then offered a weak shrug. "…but", she conceded, "I get that that's hard to believe..."

Though Hiccup's frown loosened, his glare didn't waver. Looking down at Astrid, making sure she was still deep asleep, a pulse of fresh anger hardened his features.

"Hmm. Well, let's see…" he hummed sardonically, quietly stepping closer so Heather could hear as he fought to keep his voice down. "In less than a day she's, what? Been back-stabbed, tied up, almost gutted, nearly crushed…oh, and now she's trapped in here..."

In an instant his glare shot back up, holding Heather in a judgmental stare. "Yeah", he sassed, "I'd wager she's been better."

The acid in Hiccup's tone had little visible effect on Heather. She only shifted her stance to allow her head to rest in the palm of her upturned hand, then quirked an eyebrow.

"Wow…" she mused, almost in awe. "…you really can be a sarcastic ass when you want to be."

Rolling his eyes, Hiccup's grimace then deepened. "Yeah, who said that?" he challenged, suddenly struck with familiar insecurity.

Before the woman could answer, his gaze dropped back to Astrid, the sharpness of his offense dulled by a distressing thought. "Did…she didn't say-?"

Head pulling back in surprise, Heather frowned. "Of course not", she chided quietly, disappointed that he even considered the idea. "She'd bust someone's jaw if she heard them say that, let alone say it herself. You should know that."

Humbled by the immediate reaction to his fear-driven assumptions, Hiccup's shoulders dropped as he exhaled in relief. He hadn't anticipated how much the thought of Astrid speaking ill of him, especially behind his back, shook him. Despite how strained things had been, her opinion of him as a person had somehow remained intact - even when she opposed his behavior. He couldn't imagine losing her respect; on some level he knew it would crush him.

But while Heather's words seemed to bring some solace to his frayed ego, Hiccup tilted his head, shifting one shoulder uncomfortably. "Yeah, well..." he sighed.

Intrigued, the dark-haired woman watched him keenly. When his voice faded, she waved her hand, prompting him to continue.

Wary of why Heather was there in the first place – all the more so that she was actively probing for details - Hiccup shut his mouth as he glared.

"…I'm sorry", he retorted, thick with sarcasm, "did you just come down here to gossip or is there an actual reason?"

Heather showed little concern with his clear irritation, replying with an easy shrug of one shoulder.

"You got somewhere else to be?" she teased, the corner of her mouth twitching to fight a smile.

Narrowing his eyes, Hiccup huffed as he looked away indignantly. He said nothing more, hoping she would take the hint and leave.

But Heather did no such thing; only made herself comfortable as she tapped a finger to her chin.

"So…" she continued casually, breaking the tense silence, "is this still about the little secret she kept for me…?"

She let the question drift to an end, watching his reaction closely. Though he stayed silent, all the while making a point to avert his gaze, she noted his posture tighten.

Heather chuckled. "Because, no offense…you seem to be holding grudges a lot more these days."

This warranted an irritated glare tossed over his shoulder before he again turned back.

The easy smile on Heather's face spread. "Hmm…" she hummed, "…I must be on the right track..."

Muttering to himself as he shook his head, Hiccup looked at her wearily.

Seeing him start to wear down, Heather cocked a single eyebrow. "Am I?"

Pursing his lips, Hiccup cautiously considered her. It was apparent that she wasn't going to go until she got whatever she came for. And being a captive audience, his options were limited.

He didn't trust her. At all. But perhaps if he started talking, she would follow in kind. Maybe then he would get some idea of what Viggo had in store.

"If it was just that", he finally grumbled, crossing his arms defensively, "no, I'd probably be over it by now..."

"Probably?" Heather echoed skeptically.

Hiccup fired a quick glare, then looked down at the ground. "But there's other...things."

Humming quietly, Heather nodded slowly. "So, the baby?" she guessed.

Hearing the word said outloud again caused Hiccup to flinch, a response that didn't go unnoticed.

"I'll take that as a yes", she chuckled lowly.

Casting his gaze downward, Hiccup sighed, loud enough that he knew she'd hear.

"I'm just, not used to her keeping things from me", he mumbled. With a scratch to the back of his neck, he released a huff. "...especially things I really need to know."

Heather's smile lessened. Her face no longer impish, it instead portrayed the faintest hint of sympathy. Even genuine concern.

Hiccup saw this from the corner of his eye, encouraged that he was lowering her guard.

Still, as he turned to check on Astrid, who still lay fast asleep, he felt ill at the reminder that while his delivery was intentionally exaggerated as part of his ploy – his words were not.

Shaking his head sadly, Hiccup finally glanced back up Heather.

"W-why would she hide this?" His hushed voice shook with the authentic pain that plagued him.

Pulling her lips to the side in thought, Heather looked down at the blonde thoughtful.

"I…I don't know", she admitted. "Never had a chance to talk to her about it." Her green eyes shone with remorse. "Wish I had..."

Releasing a wistful sigh, the woman returned her gaze to Hiccup. Her neck straightened, taking on an air of confidence. "But, whatever her reasons…I'd trust she did what she thought was right. Knowing her? She probably thought she was protecting you."

Hiccup's face twisted, displeased with her answer.

"Why does this excuse keep coming up?" he asked, trying and failing to hide his offense. "I-I'm a grown man; why does everyone think I need someone to save me when I ultimately screw up?"

Without missing a beat, Heather bobbed one shoulder casually. "Because someone does."

Narrowed eyes widening, Hiccup was thrown by her bluntness.

"And", Heather continued, "someone always will as long as you keep running off into every dangerous situation on your own."

Recovering from his initial surprise – trying to orient to suddenly being on the receiving end of a lecture - Hiccup blew a soft puff of air past his lips dismissively.

"I'm not that bad", he defended, albeit more weakly than intended.

Heather stared blankly, unmoved. "You are so predictable that Viggo's plan revolved around it."

This, admittedly, gave Hiccup pause.

"Of course it did", he finally muttered, rolling his eyes before dragging a hand down his face. "He knew I would go to Dark Deep alone..."

Heather nodded. "…thus separating you from Astrid", she confirmed. "Likewise, knowing that she would drop everything if she even had a hint that you were in danger. So, we gave her one."

Hiccup's expression soured, glancing up to send Heather a heated glare.

"As disturbing as it is that you can so easily describe your betrayal..." He shrugged in concession, cheeks reddening. "I…I get your point."

Heather gave a satisfied smile.

Looking down at Astrid, Hiccup sighed.

"I'm just..." he groaned softly, raking a hand through his hair. "I know I'm going to make a misstep. I didn't want anyone else to pay for that."

Realizing the irony, Hiccup huffed humorlessly. "Like now", he muttered, motioning to their cramped space.

Nodding in thought, Heather's mouth pulled to the side. "So…you can't handle the guilt of someone being hurt by a bad call you made…so you purposely create scenarios where you're the only one who could possibly suffer for it?"

Though her tone was entirely casual, Hiccup had not expected to hear his concerns, which he himself struggled to define, so eloquently packaged.

"That is...concise", he commented, impressed despite himself.

Heather's brow pulled together as she frowned. "…even though", she continued, "having you suffer, then, as a result, also hurts them?"

Blinking, momentarily dumbfounded, Hiccup's lips parted. "…uuuugh…yes. Well, no. No", he backtracked.

Seeing Heather's doubtful expression, Hiccup muttered to himself.

"Okay…um…yes, they would be sad", he acknowledged. "Yes, I'm sure some would, probably, really miss me."

Several people came to mind as he spoke. Thinking about those he stood to leave behind, especially Toothless and Astrid, Hiccup stifled a sigh.

"But, you know, with time", he reasoned with a halfhearted shrug, "…they'd be fine."

Unimpressed, Heather tilted her head ever so slightly. "If your dad "fine"?"

The slight topic shift was enough for Hiccup's depleted brain to second-guess what he heard. "…what?"

Her lips tugged into a teasing smirk. "Stoick. Your dad. Berk's Chief…"

Hiccup frowned, unamused. "Yeah, I know who Dad is", he retorted dryly.

Suppressing a snort, Heather stare grew more intent. "Well, is he "fine"", she prodded, "after losing your mom?"

Pursing his mouth, Hiccup thought quickly, admittedly becoming more wrapped up in winning the impromptu debate than he should have been.

"…uh…yeah", he replied airily with a shrug. "Yeah, he's…great."

Memories of his father drifted to the forefront of his mind – where the hardened warrior would become unusually emotional speaking of his departed wife. Sometimes he would recall their years with pride and nostalgic happiness. But other times…

Hiccup swallowed thickly. "I mean, sure, he misses her", he admitted, dropping his gaze, "…a lot." His arms began to swing slightly at his sides with anxious energy. "Especially during Snoggletog, and festivals…weddings, and all…that…"

Feeling himself begin to be pulled down too deep into his ruminations, Hiccup shook his head, bringing himself back to the present moment.

"But, um, yeah", he maintained, trying to recover his assurance. "He's surviving. That's my point. If anything happened to me, well…they would all survive too."

Though Heather hummed in acknowledgment, she appeared unswayed. She then looked Hiccup up and down, almost calculating. "And what about you?"

Confounded, Hiccup wrinkled his brow. "…I think it's fairly obvious I would be dead in that scenario", he quipped.

Heather sighed impatiently. "No, Hiccup…"

Leaning carefully into the cavern wall, ignoring the ache in his neck from craning his head, the young man's eyes widened as realization dawned. "Y-you mean, because of my…uh, mother?"

A simple nod was Heather's response.

Hiccup frowned. "I-I don't think it really…I-I never met her", he stammered, before quietly clearing his throat. "So, um, no real difference for me. I guess."

If his stumbling words weren't enough to betray his façade, the way his gaze wandered uncomfortably to the side was. Heather smiled knowingly.

"I mean, sure", he confessed, his voice dropping, "I wish I had. Her. Um, had met her."

Tracing his thumb over the stubble of his jaw, Hiccup looked down in thought.

"But", he continued, regaining a pragmatic tone, "I'm here, and it's never stopped me from doing anything, so…" He sniffed as he met her gaze, rolling a shoulder with false confidence. "I'd say I'm surviving, thanks."

Heather relaxed into her braced hand. "Surviving is good", she acknowledged. "But would you say you're completely "fine" after losing a parent?"

To Hiccup's surprise, he forced back a reflexive "no" before it left his mouth. Despite what he wanted to think, on some level, he questioned the true impact of losing something he never really had. The part of him that still felt weird and out-of-place in the world.

Feeling very uncomfortable and exposed, he shifted awkwardly, opting to stay silent.

Heather nodded in understanding. "I know I'm not fine after losing mine", she admitted.

Her eyes grew doleful as she looked down at her hand as it anxiously picked at one of the rocks. "Any of them…"

A pang of genuine pity struck Hiccup, as it often did when Heather's unfortunate past was raised. How the absence of a parent could have a lasting effect on one's life and how they viewed the world. It was something that made him want to believe in the wayward girl when they first met - despite his better judgement, he still hoped that she would somehow come out the other end a better person. While their stories were different, there had always been a natural bind between them…an understanding through lived experiences that his Berkian peers couldn't fully relate to.

But as he gazed up at her, reminded that she stood outside of a prison that they were only in because of her deception, Hiccup's compassion swiftly rebounded into resentment.

"…so what are you getting at?" he asked suspiciously, eyes beginning to narrow.

Put-off by his tone, Heather frowned. "The point is", she retorted, "I don't think you've given any thought to what it would be like for everyone who had to mourn you. Not really."

Hiccup's mouth opened to argue.

"And", she added firmly, lifting a finger to silence him, "not that you had any reason to before, but now, you have to consider your kid. What that would do to them. To their future."

Lips still parted, his jaw hung loose as he considered her words. He then snapped his mouth shut.

Content that she had been heard, Heather relaxed, exhaling slowly.

"For what it's worth…you're not wrong", she conceded warmly. "They'd figure out how to be okay."

Her gaze then dropped, almost shamefully. "Or at least as "okay" as they can be", she sighed.

Hiccup watched Heather intently, and met her gaze as she returned a solemn stare.

"But what happened to my parents", she murmured, "…my…father…your mother…I-I don't think there was anything they could have done to stop that. Not really."

Grasping where she was going, Hiccup glanced away uncomfortably, rubbing at the back of his neck.

That didn't stop Heather from keeping her gaze on him.

"When you're running off and being reckless", she huffed, "...when you could take steps to protect yourself and just don't…"

Heather shook her head sadly, watching Hiccup's stare fall to Astrid.

"You're not saving her, Hiccup. You mean well, but you're risking ruining a lot of lives – including this brand new one - for something that could be avoided."

Both fell silent, and Hiccup found himself starting to nod.

Looking at Astrid, thinking back about their dynamic over the years, he began to re-examine the root of Astrid's compulsion to protect him. Long convinced it was evidence of a lack of faith in his abilities, he then questioned those beliefs, and felt guilty for doubting her intentions in the first place.

After all, everything Heather said rang true for his own drive to keep Astrid safe. He had no idea what he would do if anything happened to her (nor did he want to), but he knew he wouldn't ever be whole again. It would change him at a fundamental level, and while he would likely survive the experience, he couldn't imagine how he would ever be "fine" again.

And now, with a child? Hiccup logically knew that being a parent meant enormous responsibility – something he had been obsessively ruminating about as Astrid slept. But realizing that he now had an obligation to them to do everything in his power to be there …

And as he thought about this new duty, and his basic need to protect them both, he reflected on their current situation. That the peril they found themselves in put him in a position of failing on both accounts. While his revelations helped to begin the process of repairing his fractured self-worth, it only raised the stakes in his mind of what they all sought to lose.

And as he returned his gaze to Heather, who smiled kindly despite the part she played in it all, he completely and wholly resented it.

"You do know how ridiculous this is, right?" Hiccup shook his head in distaste. "That you're judging me while at the same time helping the man who wants to kill us?"

Though Heather's lips pulled down, dulling her expression, she retained the sincerity in her eyes. "He doesn't want to kill you."

As Hiccup opened his mouth to object, she raised her hand to pacify him.

"At least, I don't think that's his endgame", she added quickly. "And yes, I know I've put you all in a bad spot..." Heather's hand drifted down to lay over her heart. "I really am sorry. This…this isn't how I thought everything would play out. But I want to fix things - that's why I'm here."

Holding his stare, Hiccup looked at her with clear doubt. "Well, unless you can tell me exactly what Viggo is planning, there really isn't a point to you being here."

Heather held in a laugh, letting it escape as a snort.

"I'm flattered that you think Viggo shares everything with me, but, no, I'm in the dark as well. And whatever his initial plan was, he's changed it entirely." Any amusement in her face suddenly drained. "Which, in hindsight," she muttered, "was likely his plan all along."

Hiccup's brow raised. "You think?"

Deflated, Heather frowned. "Hiccup, I'm doing the best I can."

His lips tugged back into a thin smirk. "I'm sure you are", he agreed mockingly, "but for who? Us or Viggo?"

Heather's eyes narrowed defensively. "Hey, I put my neck out back there", she reminded him, jabbing a thumb over her shoulder. "You don't get everything I'm having to consider right now."

Unmoved, Hiccup returned a stern glare. "You let Viggo take Toothless", he returned coldly.

In an instant, Heather's eyes darkened. "I don't let him do anything, Hiccup!" she seethed.

A soft groan caused both Hiccup and Heather to freeze in place, each snapping their heads to look down at Astrid's sleeping form.

Drawing one leg closer into her body, the blonde rustled for a moment, mumbling unintelligibly.

Staying perfectly still, not daring to breathe, Hiccup and Heather's eyes met for a moment before returning to Astrid.

With his mouth ajar, Hiccup almost cleared his throat – a subtle but clear sign to his teammate of their unwanted guest. With tempers already flaring, it was tempting to recruit someone else to help wrestle important details from their former friend.

Then again…he knew Astrid well-enough to know that her knee-jerk response would likely be a well-aimed rock to the other woman's face. If Heather's worried expression was any indicator, she was prepared for the same. And he had no doubt that she would immediately take her leave – along with any information that could aid them.

Hiccup frowned, and pressed his lips together. Diplomacy, and a little manipulation, was a more promising path.

So the pair stayed silent, and waited as Astrid's murmurs waned.

Finally, the sleeping Viking settled back down, resuming a steady breathing pattern.

Heather slowly released her own breath, relieved.

Several more minutes of quiet passed, until they were satisfied that Astrid was deeply asleep.

After seeing the other woman's arms go limp, Heather huffed an irritated sigh, lowering her voice as she looked back down at Hiccup.

"What I was trying to say", she continued, less irate but just as stern, "is that you're not the only one who has to play Viggo's games whether you want to or not. I have a lot to lose too and I'm still trying to do the right thing here."

Hiccup said nothing, thinking. Admittedly, he hadn't expected Heather to go so far as to attack Ryker in Astrid's defense.

"I'm a bit surprised they let you live", he remarked dryly, his skepticism evident. "Viggo doesn't seem the forgiving type."

Allowing her head to rest in her hand, Heather's lips quirked into a smile that didn't reach her eyes.

"I'm not in a great position at the moment, but as long as I'm useful, I'll be okay." The assured smirk then dropped, forming a grimace. "For now."

With a shake of his head, Hiccup's heavy brow knit in thought.

"I'll never understand why you chose this over any other option", he muttered, bewildered. Giving a quiet laugh, he tilted his head back wearily until it rested against the stones at his back.

"With Windshear you could have traveled wherever you please. Seen the world. No obligations; no expectations. You're free to do whatever you want", he breathed, in wonder and with a shot of envy. "And this is the life you settled on?"

Heather scoffed quietly, looking down at her fingers absently as she gave an enigmatic smile.

"You're right - you could never understand. You have a home. A tribe, and a family." Her green eyes flicked to Astrid's sleeping form. "And people who will die to protect you."

She then met Hiccup's gaze again. "It might sound exciting to you", Heather noted with a roll of her eyes, "not having to care what anyone else thinks." Her stare grew distant and pensive. "But that's only possible because nobody else really cares."

The hint of a canted smile formed on the woman's face, meeting Hiccup's eyes earnestly. "I'd give up this 'freedom' in a heartbeat for what you have."

At this Hiccup turned his head to look at Astrid, one end of his mouth pulling up softly as he gave a shallow nod in acknowledgement. But his lips then dropped to a frown as brows creased in concern.

His gaze raised to Heather.

"Be honest…for once", he added lowly. "Are you telling me everything that you know about Viggo?"

Heather's face stilled; the only movement was her eyelashes fluttering as she carefully observed him.

With a quiet exhale, she gave a slow shake of her head.

Hiccup's chest expanded while he pursed his lips to hold back an exasperated sigh.

He glanced down at Astrid again before holding Heather in a firm stare. "Is anything going to happen to her?"

The look he received didn't inspire immediate confidence. If anything, Heather appeared worryingly apprehensive. But she then shifted to a resolute gaze. "Not if you let me help, and listen to what I say."

The dubious assurance deeply troubled Hiccup, but after some consideration, it seemed that even a little hope was better than nothing.

"Fine", he agreed flatly. "Just remember: we risked our lives to supposedly save yours. You owe us."

Heather sighed. "Okay", she agreed, more hastily that he preferred. "But Hiccup-"

He interrupted with a brisk shake of his head. "Then promise to find a way to get her out of here", he demanded.

Frowning, Heather's patience began to wear thin. "…I'll do my best."

Unfortunately, Hiccup's had completely run dry. "Promise. Me", he demanded sternly, tiring of her vague commitment.

Irritated, Heather's head tipped back. "Okay", she bit back quietly.

Seeing the distrusting look Hiccup gave her, Heather released a steady breath, letting her features soften.

"Okay…" she repeated, her voice more calm and assuring. "I promise."

Still doubtful of her word, Hiccup's skeptical gaze remained. Slowly – reluctantly - he nodded in silent agreement to her terms.

Heather did the same, and her posture loosened considerably. But her eyes suddenly widened as her head whipped to look over her shoulder.

"Great" she sneered under her breath. "Patrol."

Brows cinched in annoyance, she briskly looked back down at Hiccup. "I'll find you as soon as I know more."

Hiccup had no time to respond; only watched as Heather swiftly moved away from the gap.

Then, to his surprise, she immediately popped back into view. "Oh, and Hiccup?"

He turned back around, an eyebrow raised.

Without warning, Heather tossed down two small items. Hiccup barely caught one before it hit the ground. The other fell at his feet but was so light if barely made any sound at all.

Hiccup looked at the water horn in his hand, then at the small satchel on the ground. Confused, he glanced back up at Heather.

The dark-haired woman returned a sober gaze. "Be ready for anything", she warned cryptically before again darting out of sight.

Listening to the sound of her boots scuffing against the rocks, Hiccup tracked the pattering until it faded into the distance - leaving only silence in the surrounding cavern.

Warily, Hiccup eyed the satchel. He reaching down to retrieve it and pressed its contents between the tips of his fingers. Feeling something slightly pliable and non-uniform, he carefully pulled the drawstring and peered inside to find thin strips of dried meat.

He then took the water horn in hand, removing the cork to sniff its contents. When he didn't detect any unusual scent he took a very small sip, letting it spill over his tongue.

There was no bitterness, or any flavor for that matter. Slowly, Hiccup swallowed, frowning as he sought any possible sign of poisoning.

So far so good.

Returning his attention to the jerky, Hiccup grimaced. Despite a growing hunger, his raw stomach churned at the sickening scent of food. Of all the times Tuffnut had to take his culinary experimentation too far…

Still, he pulled a small corner off one of the strips - placing it in his mouth and gently gnawing on the dried flesh.

Satisfied that all he could taste was the flavor of overly salted chicken, he forced himself to swallow the morsel, trying to ignore the acidic burn in his throat.

Letting his exhausted gaze drift to Astrid, Hiccup stooped down to set the water and jerky aside.

Though his paranoia ebbed somewhat after their (eventually) amiable exchange, he still distrusted Heather's sudden change of heart, and the "gifts" she left them.

But, he thought as he lowered himself down to the floor, if they were clean, it could buy them some much needed time.

And if they weren't…

Pursing his lips, Hiccup gulped at the grim thought. The only modest comfort he had was that he'd have them in his system for a while before Astrid could consume any. If they were laced with anything…well…

It should be evident long before then.

Astrid didn't recall dreaming for once – her mind and body overwhelmed by exhaustion.

There were moments of distorted sound; too deep to be voices and distant enough that it didn't cause her any alarm. It wasn't until a subtle vibration carried through her entire body, growing more vigorous with each moment, that she began to question whether or not she was still asleep.

But the sound of pebbles rattling near her ears sparked a recent memory, and Astrid's eyes flew open in a panic as she clearly felt the floor beneath her move.

"Are you kidding me?!" she groaned, quickly moving to a defensive crouch. Eyes wide but still bleary from sleep, she looked around for Hiccup.

Astrid found him kneeling several feet behind her, groggily staring up at the stones surrounding them.

Following his gaze, she saw clouds of dust hanging in the beam of firelight. As the ground shifted violently, small bits of rubble began to fall.

Astrid scooted back steadily, her eyes locked on the unstable wall of rock. As the shaking worsened, she blanched, and hurried her pace while gingerly stepping towards the opposite side.

But she still wasn't moving quickly enough for Hiccup, who anxiously glanced between her and the precarious stones. He reached out to grab her shoulders, relieved to feel her reaching for him as well.

"It's coming down!" Astrid gasped near his ear, as they heard more rocks tumble.

When a sizeable chunk of stone crashed to the ground beside them, Astrid's reflexes kicked in. She dropped down as she pulled Hiccup with her, tossing one arm over her head and the other over his.

After reaching the floor, Hiccup grit his teeth as another stone smashed inches away from them. He pulled her in tighter with trembling hands.

They both flinched every time they heard and felt a rock plummet to the ground and fracture.

Astrid suddenly shouted through clenched teeth as something struck her ankle. Her cry became a furious growl as she pulled the throbbing leg into her body.

Next thing she knew she was moving. Suddenly rolled on to her back, she opened her eyes to see Hiccup's face hovering over hers.

Mouth ajar, Astrid gaped up at him. "W-what are you-?"

But he couldn't respond. Hiccup's face crumpled as he choked back a shout, nearly dropping entirely as he took a harsh hit to his lower back.

"Hiccup!?" Astrid shouted, trying to push him back but meeting resistance.

"…'m fine…" he wheezed, still unable to open his eyes.

Astrid panted through parted lips, readjusted her grip to gain better leverage. But before she made another attempt to shove him to his side, she realized the only sounds she heard was heavy breathing and the pounding of her own pulse. No low rumble or clattering stones.

Freezing her limbs in place, she pressed her spine into the ground – the moving earth had stilled.

"I…think it's over?" she noted uncertainly, looking up to Hiccup. She couldn't see his eyes – only russet bangs as his head fell forward.

The young man groaned quietly, still braced over her. He moved slowly as he flexed his hands against the stone. "Y-yeah", he shuddered in agreement, eyelids rising to reveal a pained and unfocused gaze.

Though he tried to play tough, his stiff movements as he attempted to maneuver to his knees were a dead giveaway. Also, the nearly-formed tears coating his eyes.

Rolling her own eyes, Astrid carefully pushed him so that he shifted to his hip, this time without him fighting her along the way.

"Oh, you idiot…" she breathed, admonishing but affectionate as she looked over his back with concern. "Why did you do that?"

Clamping his eyes shut as he pressed himself up to sit, Hiccup still managed to express his disbelief in his facial features. "As opposed to you getting hit? Are you serious?"

Astrid snorted, shaking her head with a faint smirk. "No, but you left your head and spine exposed. Small wonder you're in agony right now."

Slowly opening his eyes and blinking a few times, Hiccup tried to hide a wince as he adjusted the position of his legs.

"I'm fine", he insisted through shallow breaths. "Just…surprised me."

Astrid tried to hide an amused smile. "Hmm. If you say so…"

When Hiccup only nodded, she sighed, taking a moment to lightly massage her wounded ankle. A quick glance assured her that the hide of her boot was intact, and there was no blood soaking through.

A succession of quick pops drew her attention, and she turned her head to see Hiccup arching his back. Whatever shifted along his spine apparently brought some relief, and he released a grateful sigh.

Exhaling herself, glad that his pain was subsiding, Astrid reached her arms up for a much needed stretch. Content, Astrid then curled one hand to form a loose fist, and delivered a light punch to Hiccup's bicep.

Surprised, Hiccup jumped. Wide eyes soon dropped into a weary gaze. "Hey…" he groaned in exasperation, feeling too tired and sore.

But when Astrid chuckled teasingly, a sound he immensely missed, Hiccup's foul mood quickly dissipated. Realizing her attempt at being playful, his lips quirked in response.

"Gods, what did I do now?" he muttered, sounding more annoyed than he truly was as he rubbed the offended arm. "Because I didn't let you get crushed?"

"No, because you didn't wake me", she replied casually. "I was supposed to take a shift."

Hiccup shook the arm out and used his other shoulder to shrug. "Yeah, well, I was fine."

Rubbing the dust from her eyes, Astrid hummed, still feeling the extent of her sleep debt. Casting a glance at her weary teammate, she frowned when she saw him settle into a seated position rather than stretch out on the floor.

"Don't you want to try to get some sleep?" she prompted.

Hiccup simply shook his head. "Nah", he insisted lazily. "I rested a bit."

Astrid pulled her lips to one side, clearly not buying his claim. But she didn't push the subject any further, and instead stretched out her leg to better examine her ankle.

Reaching into her boot, she rubbed at the tender muscles and tendons that tensed beneath her fingers. As she flexed her foot, slowly rotating her ankle, she was pleased to find that she still had full-range of motion.

Meanwhile Hiccup looked down at his other side, pushing aside fallen pebbles and stones to retrieve the water horn and satchel.

Blue eyes widened as she noticed the items in his hands, and Astrid stilled her fingers while staring intently at the water horn.

"I didn't know you had water", she murmured, confusion shrouded with swelling hope.

Removing the cap, Hiccup looked down at the vessel to conceal his expression.

"Uh, yeah, um, sorry..." he stumbled, his awkwardness coming off as embarrassment. "Heh. Guess I forgot."

Offering Astrid the water, he was thankful to see her smile, too focused on her relief to question it further.

She brought the horn to her mouth, making herself take small sips rather than chugging it. The water gathered before she dared to swallow, moistening her tongue and lips then slowly trickling down her parched throat.

Hiccup accepted the horn as she passed it back, taking in barely enough to qualify as a gulp before replacing the cap.

As Astrid released a content sigh, Hiccup set down the water horn and untied the little pouch. He carefully dug his index finger inside to retrieve two small strips of the dehydrated meat. "Hungry?"

The question pulled Astrid's attention, and she glanced at the food with clear interest. "Always", she muttered, irritated by her own insatiable hunger.

Reaching to pluck the food from Hiccup's hand, Astrid brought the strip to her face to examine it.

Unsettled by her scrutiny, Hiccup ripped at another piece as he slowly chewed.

"Uh, dried chicken", he noted, glad that he had a chance to taste it beforehand to identify what he supposedly brought.

Her expression unyielding, Astrid's analyzing gaze drifted to Hiccup, who paled under her stare.

She then raised a brow in mock suspicion. "Better not have stolen this from Stormfly's supplies…" she warned, the corner of her mouth tugging upward.

Surprised and relieved, Hiccup huffed, looking away to hide his fluster.

"I think I know better than to get between a Nadder and food", he weakly joked.

With a brisk snort, Astrid hummed and hungrily bit into her strip of jerky.

The pair sat in, what at least appeared, to be comfortable silence as she ate.

But Astrid soon noticed that Hiccup hadn't moved in several minutes. She peered from the corner of her eye.

Seeing him staring idly at the dried chicken in his hand, she wondered what held his full attention. The fact that his face was tightly drawn as his fingers tapped with nervous energy was enough to pique her curiosity.

Swallowing, Astrid put on a light smile.

"So..." she began casually, hoping to re-break the ice. "Did anything happen last…night?" She paused. "Or was it earlier today?"

Realizing she had no sense of the time since going underground, she rolled her eyes with a flippant shrug. "Whatever time it actually is…"

Hiccup's features froze, his eyes flicking up to meet hers. "…what?" he asked, his voice ticking up anxiously.

Her smile slacked, forming the beginnings of a frown. "The quakes?" she reminded him. "Were there anymore?"

Releasing a breath, Hiccup coughed to clear his throat. "Oh, right. Um, yeah", he off-handedly affirmed, trying to sound more at-ease.

But Astrid's brow knit, causing Hiccup to replay his response.

"Oh, um, no. I meant no", he amended, shaking his head as he looked down at his jerky with sudden interest. "Nothing else."

Still frowning, Astrid took in his unusual body language. It was clear that something had set him on edge.

But other than briefly holding him in a thoughtful stare, she said nothing, dropping her gaze as she took another bite of chicken.

With Astrid's eyes off him, Hiccup's posture finally relaxed. He forced himself to gnaw on his jerky, though his gut still spasmed uncomfortably.

Finishing off her ration with a final swallow, Astrid dusting her hands together before pushing herself up to her knees. "Here, let me check on this", she suggested, pointing to Hiccup's bandaged head.

Hiccup only nodded as he pretended to chew. He sat still as she shifted towards him, tilting his head to give her better access to the wound.

Pulling back the fabric, nearly half stained, Astrid was encouraged to see the gash had clotted.

"Looks pretty good", she announced, using her fingers to pinch the material and turn it so that the clean(er) side sat against the lesion. "Just another day and I think it can come off."

Resisting the habit of nodding his head as she finished straightening the fabric, Hiccup's gaze fell to her kneeling legs. "How's yours?"

Astrid hummed in thought. She then sat down, extending the wounded leg and carefully pulling the skirt up to the top of her thigh to expose the makeshift bandage.

Her hands moved more boldly than she had with him - swiftly grasping what remained of her leggings and yanking it back to reveal the cut.

Hiccup reflexively cringed at the sight. While the bleeding stilled some time ago, the gash was far wider than he had expected.

"Good as new", Astrid concluded nonchalantly, pulling the strip of bloodied fabric completely off her leg.

His face didn't reflect the same ease. "That's...a really big cut."

Astrid's mouth curled into a smile. "Yeah, will probably scar up real nice", she replied with a satisfaction that made Hiccup shudder from his head to his feet.

Chuckling, Astrid glanced at him reassuringly. "Actually doesn't hurt that much. Really."

She then reached her arm over to her left side, lightly dragging a hand down her ribcage. "Side feels a lot worse", she admitted, eye twitching as she grazed the area. "Probably bruised something awful."

Hiccup's stare shifted to her side. He took on a pensive expression; his eyes unfocused with lips pressed together.

Sensing a sudden change in his demeanor, Astrid raised an eyebrow. "What's wrong?"

He responded with the slightest shake of his head. "He…knew..." Hiccup murmured, his voice hollow as he continued to stare at her side, his gaze drifting to her belly.

Cocking her head ever so slightly, Astrid's brow furrowed in confusion.

"He knew and he was still going to..."

Hiccup couldn't finish the sentence, too ill at even the thought of what Viggo could have done. He shook his head with fervor, face wrinkling with disgust.

Glancing back down at her injured rib, understanding set in, and Astrid gave a small nod. "Well, we knew he was a sadistic, amoral creep..." she muttered. "Just more proof, I guess."

"He's dead."

Taken aback by the dark quality of his voice as much as the wording, Astrid looked up at the young man, eyes wide in surprise. "Hiccup..."

"No, I mean it", Hiccup replied, his tone conclusive. "Not posturing, or making empty threats. I'm not leaving here as long as he's alive."

Settling back to sit upon her folded legs, Astrid frowned. "Look...I understand the sentiment. Really, I'd like to take an axe to his throat myself..."

Yanked from his brooding, Hiccup's features relaxed, looking at Astrid expectantly. "There's a 'but' coming..."

"But", she emphasized, hiding a smirk, "that's who I am. I prefer to settle things with weapons over words, and if it means a little bloodshed..." She shrugged dismissively.

Her expression then tightened; eyes grayed with worry. "But this? Hiccup, this isn't you."

Mouth turning downward, Hiccup shifted to look right at her.

"Viggo has tormented us for almost a year", he reminded. "Injured almost everyone on the team. C-captured and sold every dragon he can get his hands on."

A crease formed between Astrid's eyebrows. "Hiccup..."

"He took Toothless," he continued as he looked away, his acidic voice straining while his hands balled into fists.

Astrid's eyes flicked to his hands, concerned. "I know", she assured, "but-"

"AND was going to disembowel you." Hiccup's teeth grit, eyes brimming with rage as though glaring at the man in question. "And he knew."

As silence set in, he looked back at Astrid. His expression quickly fell as he saw the disturbed look she returned.

Embarrassed, Hiccup sighed, letting his rigid shoulders loosely drop. "I mean, what am I…"

He shook his head before meeting her stare. He looked exhausted. Confused. "I-I'm just supposed to walk away? Forgive and forget?"

With a moment's pause, Astrid considered him. She slowly shook her head.

"No", she replied. "You're not. But you've always been able to handle threats without resorting to violence; especially just for the sake of violence."

Hiccup looked down, grinding the heel of his boot into the ground. "Yeah, but those threats were never against..."

Watching him intently, Astrid's brow relaxed – her eyes widening slightly as his voice faded.

Hair rustling as he shook his head, Hiccup huffed. "Things are just very different now", he muttered.

Astrid hummed quietly, tilting her head to the side.

"You know", she mused, "I hate Viggo."

The unnecessary declaration hung in the air for a moment. Though Hiccup's face remained downcast, she had his full attention.

Astrid huffed. "I hate him, for a lot of things", she continued. "But, I think what I hate him for the most, is what he's done to you."

Hiccup's shoulders bounced in surprise. Raising his head, his forehead creased. "To me?" he echoed incrediously.

She nodded, rubbing a thumb along the hem of her dress. "And, well, I've been thinking…"

Arching his brow, Hiccup watched as Astrid shifted in her seat to sit cross-legged, leaning in to watch him keenly.

"So, to beat Viggo you need to be a step ahead, right?" she posed, looking to him for affirmation. "Not have him control the next move but to constantly keep him guessing?"

Pausing, she waited for Hiccup to bob his head.

Astrid then frowned. "But that's the thing; he's already controlling you."

Uncertain where exactly she was going, Hiccup mirrored her unease but said nothing.

Noting his skepticism, Astrid braced her elbows at her knees, looking him directly in the eye.

"You are so fixated on getting him back", she explained, "that it's changing the way you think. And don't you think that, maybe, he knows that by now? Why else would he go so far out of his way to pick at every single thing that he knows will make you angry?"

Watching Hiccup closely, waiting for a hint of acknowledgement but finding none, Astrid sighed. "Why give him exactly what he wants?"

When Hiccup didn't immediately react, instead continued to stare at her blankly, Astrid steeled herself for another argument.

She wasn't surprised when he released a huff of air. But rather than scoff, he did something that she didn't expect – he laughed.

It was a flat and lazy chuckle; more ironic than amused.

"That's…heh. Yeah. Yeah, you're probably right …" he agreed, though the light smile on his face failed to reach his eyes.

Astrid watched him carefully, trying to decipher his reaction.

Shaking his head, Hiccup sighed. "I can't win", he replied, halfheartedly tossing a hand up in resignation. "If I overdo it, I risk losing myself. If I don't push enough, I could lose everything else. Everyone else."

Hiccup looked at Astrid with earnest eyes. "Given the two options, you can understand why I've erred on the side I have. Can't you?"

Seeing his sincerity – and a desperation to be validated - she forced a small smile. "I can", she admitted. "I don't like it...but I get it."

His thin smile spread slightly in appreciation. Looking up to stare at their only possible portal to relative freedom, Hiccup sighed. "We shouldn't be here right now."

Astrid's smile faded to a neutral expression. "Hmm? Like, here here?" she asked, glancing around, "or…?"

"On this island", he clarified. "In these waters…even knowing Viggo Grimborn existed…"

Readjusting her skirt, shifting to sit a bit closer, Astrid held his gaze, urging him to continue.

Hiccup said nothing at first; just stared back at her. Rather than looking through her as he recently had, he instead seemed to peer into her – as if searching for something.

Despite the intensity neither felt uncomfortable; if anything, the opposite.

Drawing a breath as he pursed his lips, Hiccup expelled the air through his mouth a brisk huff. "Everything…it's just so different then when we first left Berk, y'know?"

Breaking their stare, one of his hands grasped at the small stone at his feet, using it to fidget and giving him something to look at as he spoke.

"Being out here, visiting new lands, discovering new dragons...at first it was everything I hoped for", he recalled wistfully. "I figured we would just find Dagur, drag him back to Outcast Island, and be able to keep exploring as a team."

His expression then darkened, and he firmly pinched the stone between two fingers. "I-I never imagined it would spiral into this…disaster. Gods, I was supposed to be leading an expedition, not wind up in the middle of a war waiting to happen!"

Dropping the stone and letting it fall to the ground, Hiccup looked back at Astrid. His eyes held a sudden heaviness that took her aback.

"You're always telling me that I can do anything. T-that I have nothing to be afraid of."

He then dropped his gaze in shame. "But…I…I-I can't do this, Astrid."

His choice of words caused Astrid to pale, and she sucked in her lips anxiously.

"And what's "this", Hiccup?" she prompted. Her fingernails dug into her palms, terrified of what all he could mean. Her? Them? Berk?

The strands of hair that hung forward swayed as he bounced his shoulders. "Leading", he mumbled, keeping his face downcast. "Being responsible for everything and everyone."

Releasing her grip - only somewhat relieved to know that he was only speaking of the same, familiar demons he had always faced - Astrid was still saddened by what he had to say.

Hiccup rubbed his hands together. "I-I used to think I wasn't good at anything. Over time, with your help", he added, looking up enough to give a small but appreciative smile, "I learned that wasn't true. I'm good at some things. Blacksmithing. Understanding and training dragons. I can come up with crazy ideas and then, sometimes, build those crazy things…"

Astrid gave an amused huff, causing Hiccup's lips to pull upward. He then raised his head to meet her gaze.

"This isn't some, I don't know…"woe is me, I suck at everything"…thing", he assured. "It really isn't. But, some people are just really good leaders. They can manage the personalities, and the in-fighting, and, gods, the endless competition…" Hiccup's nose wrinkled. "And I am not one of those people."

Pressing her lips together to restrain her objections, Astrid made a point to keep quiet and let him say his piece.

The guilt in Hiccup's expression resurged. "I mean, I wanted to be. Mostly because people I, just, really respect thought I could do it." He then looked at her sadly. "And I really didn't want to prove you all wrong."

Bringing his hand to his face, Hiccup sighed deeply, letting a groan escape. "But I need to face facts, Astrid. This isn't me. I've tried to be someone else, and, I can't."

Angling his head to look down into his lap, Hiccup sat shamefaced. "Not for Dad." He peered at her from the corner of his eye. "Not even for you."

Astrid's lips parted, too absorbed in his words to say anything. She could only give the tiniest shake of her head.

He tried to smile again, but couldn't. "I'm sorry I let you down", he murmured.

Overwhelmed, Astrid lightly clenched at the hem of her hangerock. She felt so much: sympathy, heartbreak, relief, and truthfully, a tinge of disappointment.

But as she took in Hiccup's body language - the way his back curved and he kept his gaze low – she couldn't ignore a gnawing guilt. In her enthusiasm for him…her well-meaning support and endless faith in his capabilities…she had unknowingly given him a higher pedestal to inevitably fall from. When she spoke of everything he could achieve, he instead heard what he had to. The same way he interpreted his father's words.

"Hiccup…" she breathed.

As the young man looked away, linking his fingers around one of his knees as he drew it protectively into his body, Astrid leaned to settle onto one hip.

She wasn't sure what to say. She wanted to help him; to ensure him that he hadn't failed in her eyes.

Then, she had a thought.

Although Hiccup kept his stare away, she still smiled softly at him. "When we were kids, in dragon training…do you know why I was so rough on you?"

The question seemed to intrigue Hiccup, whose brow raised momentarily before settling back into a neutral position. He then huffed. "You have an innate revulsion to weakness?"

Smirking, Astrid gave his shoulder a light swat as penance for his self-deprecation.

"Because", she continued, "when I saw you, knowing that the Chiefdom was your birthright, I could see small glimpses of what I feared Berk would one day be."

This caused Hiccup to finally look towards her, sending a peculiar look that teetered on offense. "…um, thanks?"

Astrid shrugged shamelessly. "Life was so difficult then", she reminded him. "Between the dragons and the Outcasts, it was hard to imagine Berk having a future at all! You were…"

"Weird?" Hiccup offered dryly.

"…different", she concluded, ignoring the roll of his eyes. "Everything we were taught said that a chief had to be big and intimidating. Strong enough to take down any dragon. That…well, wasn't you."

Hiccup scoffed, returning his stare to the ground. "Understatement", he grumbled.

Leaning closer, Astrid stared at him intently. "I was scared, Hiccup."

This made Hiccup's eyes widen, and he slowly turned his face to meet her gaze.

Seeing the heat rise to her cheeks, he tried to quash her embarrassment with a polite laugh. "What, you? C'mon, you're never scared", he huffed blithely.

Biting her lip, Astrid sighed as she pushed the bangs out of her face. "Yeah, that's...not true", she admitted. "I was scared then."

She shrugged a single shoulder, looking at her lap as she picked at the fibers of her dress. "Like I'm scared every time you run off without any armor or back-up, or even a plan", she confessed. "Or when I see how much Viggo's been affecting you; what it's done to your confidence..."

With a dry huff, Astrid gestured down at her stomach. "Or this. I mean…I've been so freaked out about what you would think, and what it would do to you. I just kept…I don't know, freezing up…"

Mulling over her own words, she scoffed, nose scrunched in disdain. "I kept putting things off because…I…I was…" She growled under her breath. "…terrified of what would happen."

Feeling her companion's stare on her, Astrid peered at him bashfully. "I-It's one of the reasons I never want to be afraid...I don't make the best decisions when I am."

All the while Hiccup's gaze never wavered, though his features relaxed until the last hint of a smile dropped entirely. He watched her closely, unsure of what to possibly say.

Tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear, Astrid smiled shyly at the return of a distant memory.

"But, after you showed me Toothless, and the dragons...I realized that there wasn't only one possible outcome for our tribe aft all. That there were possibilities, and that, maybe, by being different, we could even be better."

Sensing Hiccup's head raise in interest, she smiled brightly, and turned to fully meet his gaze.

"I say that you would be a great chief because I mean it. Now, when I think of Berk's future, and about everything you have already done for our tribe..." Astrid shrugged. "I'm not afraid. I want that for Berk. And I just wish you saw yourself the way I do. That we all do."

Hiccup was speechless.

It took time to absorbing everything – her words, the sincerity behind them, and the warmth in her beautiful eyes. After months of distance…after everything that had been said…it was beyond his imagining that she could still hold him in as high-esteem as she used to. Especially when he certainly couldn't say the same for himself.

"Um, t-thank you", he finally offered, unable to completely stop the faint smile on his face that threatened to grow. "That…means a lot. Really."

The hopeful smile she returned caused his heart to skip a beat. But it also reminded him that, while her faith in him had somehow sustained – he still couldn't meet those expectations.

"But…" he sighed, tugging his mouth to the side. "Even still…even though I want to…" His voice faded, embarrassed. "I'm…sorry."

Seeing the brightness in her eyes dim was hard, and Hiccup looked down to the ground.

With a quiet sigh, Astrid also cast her gaze downward. But after a moment's pause, she bobbed her head in thought and gave a casual shrug.

"Well…then don't."

Hiccup peered at her under his furrowed brow, perplexed. "But, you just said-"

"That I wish one day you knew you have what it takes be Chief", Astrid explained matter-of-factly, with no hint of disapproval in her voice. "But maybe that doesn't mean it has to be today, tomorrow, or several years from now."

Astrid absorbed her own words as she said them, slowly nodding in approval. "And even if you never get there…"

She then smirked cheekily. "It would be an enormous loss for Berk..." she added with a dramatic sigh.

Hiccup huffed, a smile breaking through. "Subtle…"

Chuckling, Astrid retained her warmth as she spoke. "But we would survive. As long as you keep building crazy new things to keep us safe and stop the dragons from burning all the crops…we'll be okay no matter what you decide."

Rubbing at his chin, Hiccup seriously considered her. That he could, potentially, stall his succession as Chief for years, if not indefinitely. It sounded impossible even as he thought of it, yet the idea alone left him feeling somewhat…lighter. Hopeful.

Raising his head and straightening his shoulders, he appeared for a moment less burdened; encouraged that maybe he didn't have to seal his entire fate at the age of nineteen.

But his frown returned. "I'm…not so sure Dad will see it that way."

Astrid's smile didn't falter. "He won't", she agreed. "At first."

Hearing his worries validated, Hiccup started to dip his head back down in shame.

But Astrid reached to place her hand to his cheek, stopping his descent. Angling his face up as she bent forward, she offered an encouraging smile when their eyes connected.

"He'll be disappointed, Hiccup. But not in you. For Berk."

Blinking, Hiccup returned her stare. He held her gaze intently as he looked from one blue eye to the other.

Astrid was never one to sugar-coat things; even for his benefit. He knew she truly believed everything she said.

Still… that didn't mean she couldn't be wrong. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't bring himself to fully believe her words.

But he really wanted to.

Finally, slowly, his cheek pressed into her palm as he softly smiled. "Thanks, Astrid."

Astrid's face brightened - relieved to see the shy but appreciative gaze he held her in. From the lopsided pull of his lips to the youthful shine that returned to tired eyes, she was momentarily pulled back to brighter days. Days that seemed so long ago but truly weren't; something she realized when the excited patter of her heart felt far more familiar than foreign.

It took effort to pull her hand away; too engrossed in absorbing the affection she had craved. But her logical mind won over, fighting the urge to indulge in her greedy wants as she reluctantly tugged her hand back. She imagined that doing otherwise would only be pushing her fragile luck.

That made her all the more surprised when Hiccup suddenly reached forward to lightly grip her hand in his own.

Her wide eyes met his, which were heavy with remorse.

"Did..." Hiccup's voice faded as he frowned. "Did I really scare you?"

Though his tone almost sounded disbelieving – as if the idea that he could somehow instill a sense of terror in her was impossible – the penitent expression he gave reflected the guilt he carried.

Seeing him look so ashamed tempted Astrid to lie, or to at least downplay the impact. But seeing his full transparency made it feel cheap to return anything less – though she hoped it didn't further erode his shaky confidence.

Sucking in her lower lip, Astrid finally looked down sheepishly before looking back up, giving a small nod in admission.

"Everything has just been so...heavy, you know?" Shrugging, she looked at their clasped hands. "You take on everything, and after some..." She groaned, embarrassed. "…very stupid mistakes on my part..."

Hiccup's head tilted as he listened, and Astrid looked into his eyes apologetically.

"I made it so that I couldn't even help you anymore", she explained, giving her head a slow shake. "Seeing you dealing with everything on your own...I…guess I worried I'd lose you."

She then swallowed thickly. "One way or another."

Hiccup's silence worried her, but the fact that his thumb absently rubbed against the backs of her fingers was a comfort. Glancing up at him, curious to what he was thinking, she saw him pursing his lips in thought.

"I'm…sorry", he finally breathed. "I-I didn't want you to worry about me." He then huffed a half-hearted chuckle. "That was kind of the point, actually", he muttered in embarrassment.

Confused, Astrid's brows knit.

Peering at her long enough to notice, Hiccup then dropped his gaze.

"I…I hate that you always have to come to my rescue", he admitted, training his gaze to the ground. "You're already stronger than me...faster...a much better fighter. I should be able to handle my own battles - figurative or literal."

His words had little effect on her puzzled expression. "Why?"

Baffled, Hiccup's head reared back.

"Why?" he repeated. "Because…I'm not a child anymore. Because, how can I expect anyone to listen to my directions when I have no idea if I can even handle everything myself?"

Uncertainty became firm dissent as Astrid shook her head.

"But that's why leaders have teams", she countered, squeezing his grip before releasing to use both hands to gesture as she spoke. "So you don't have to handle it all. You make a plan, and put your soldiers into the right positions. But then? They have to take it from there."

When Hiccup's stare grew pensive, Astrid smiled. "And, if you picked the right people, they'll be able to back you up."

Leaning forward as he braced against his bent knees, Hiccup nodded thoughtfully.

"And as for me..." she mused, raking her fingers through her loosened strands, "you help me all the time."

This made Hiccup's brow furrowed, unconvinced.

Astrid shrugged. "I needed help today, didn't I?"

"Well, yeah," he acknowledged, albeit dismissively, "but…"

"And even everyday stuff", she admitted, forcing herself through her embarrassment. "Without you, I get…angry. Stay angry. I can tell people what to do all day but, I don't know, it's...hard."

Intrigued though still confused, Hiccup arched one eyebrow. "What is?"

"I don't know…" she sighed. Despite the fact that she shrugged, Astrid's continuous brushing of her hair betrayed her – revealing her discomfort. "I guess, maybe, it's because it sometimes seems like no one else really…'gets' me", she confessed.

Though her bangs were still hanging in her eyes, she peeked at Hiccup through the strands. "Not like you do, anyway. You always make me feel like I'm more than just…bossy. And mean." Thinking back on some of the words her teammates had used in moments of anger and frustration, her expression grew blank. "Cold."

Mouth slightly ajar, Hiccup frowned, aghast. "Those aren't – you aren't any of those things", he insisted.

Without hesitation, Astrid gave a quick shake of her head. "No, I am", she concluded, matter-of-factly. "Or at least I can be."

Taking a moment's pause, Hiccup mulled over her word. "Yeah, well…so can everyone else. We've all been like that, at one time or another."

Touched by his defense of her, Astrid's small smile returned. "True. Though some of us more than others. But it means a lot to have someone who I can just, well, be with. When I have my bad moments you don't hold it against me."

Astrid grimaced, reminded that that hadn't been true in sometime. That she had taken his tolerant nature for granted, and crossed an invisible line.

"I think – I hope – you know that's not who I am. Not entirely," she murmured. "I've...I've missed that."

Sitting in stunned silence, Hiccup drew in a breath without warning.

He hadn't expected her to say what she did – to allow herself to be so vulnerable. And it was becoming increasingly more difficult to police a surging optimism that he consciously contained.

Taking in Hiccup's surprise, Astrid smiled sadly as she considered why he was still keeping a safe distance between them. Why she was doing the same.

"I know it wasn't the right decision", she acknowledged, "- not telling you. But when everything feels like the wrong choice...I-I've never had that happen before. I just pick one and whatever happens, happens."

Tugging her mouth back into a faint frown, Astrid's fingers ran against the panel of her hangerok that hugged her belly. "But this one doesn't just affect me. Someone was going to get hurt, no matter what I did."

When Hiccup still didn't respond she looked up, finding herself in his unflinching gaze. He didn't appear upset, or sad. Or really anything that she could discern.

Feeling herself flush even more, Astrid wrinkled her nose. "Sorry", she muttered. "I'm not making sense."

But Hiccup quickly shook his head. "No, no", he insisted, his tone reassuring. "I…actually follow completely."

Tensed shoulders relaxed as Astrid's lips pulled upward. "You usually do", she chuckled lowly.

Her smile diminished somewhat, looking down at her hands as she flexed them in her lap awkwardly.

"That's the part that killed me: telling you was going to drag you into this, and I didn't want to do that you." She sighed, running a finger over an old scar on her palm. "But you were the one I really needed to talk to. So I could try to figure this all out."

Hiccup didn't react right away. Instead, he watched her thoughtfully; absently rubbing at his jaw. He wore the same enigmatic expression, giving Astrid no insight into what he would say or do.

Pressing her lips together, Astrid managed to hold her gaze – fighting the urge to break the awkward stand-off.

Finally, Hiccup hummed to himself. "Well…", he breathed with a soft exhale, "there's nothing we can do about what's already happened…"

A wrinkle formed between Astrid's brows as they pulled together, relieved but off-balance in the face of his abruptly amicable tone.

Though he saw her confusion, Hiccup continued, giving a loose shrug. "But I know now, so…I guess, all we can do is keep going forward."

His voice wavered only for a moment as he looked at Astrid with uncertainty. "Um, r-right?"

Astrid's lips parted before they stilled in place. Seeing the insecure gaze she was receiving – realizing that he was looking to her for assurance when she had been looking to him for the same – she quickly collected herself.

Pressing her mouth into a weary smile, she nodded in agreement.

When Hiccup's features released, Astrid's stare rose to the small opening in the rocks above.

"Though", she grumbled, "I wish I knew what we were going towards."

Following her line of sight, Hiccup nodded. "Yeah, you and me both."

Picking at the fraying fibers of her skirt, Astrid's thoughts drifted to their present situation, and how they could possibly escape. She barely noticed that Hiccup's gaze had dropped back to her, only realizing when he shifted a mere inch closer.

With wide, curious eyes, Astrid watched the man before her clasp his hands together, anxiously twiddling his thumbs. Despite his obvious discomfort, his eyes remained clear and earnest.

"Astrid…you've been on my case about taking everything on myself", he noted bluntly, seemingly out of the blue.

Astrid frowned, almost offended, as she opened her mouth to rebut.

But Hiccup raised a hand. "...and rightfully so", he quickly added.

Closing the gap between her lips, Astrid expression loosened. She was calm again, but only grew more confused.

Releasing a heavy breath, Hiccup looked down to her abdomen for a brief second before retreating back to her face. "Well, you didn't do this on your own", he continued, the uneasiness beginning to overtake his tone.

Slow realization began to sink in, causing Astrid's features to slack.

Hiccup's mouth pulled upward into a weak smirk. "You're obviously not going to let me handle Viggo on my own."

"Nope", Astrid immediately chirped, leaving no room for debate.

Though he rolled his eyes momentarily, Hiccup's small smile never faltered. "Well," he informed her, "I'm not letting you take this on by yourself either."

When Astrid didn't respond, he leaned forward slightly, raising one eyebrow. "Fair?"

Despite the enormous wave of relief that threatened to overtake her – leaving her disoriented and unsure of how to express it - Astrid fought back the urge to do…something. Anything. Her usual reactions felt like too much; anything else seemed too little. A hug, a kiss…Hel, a handshake felt inappropriate in the moment.

So instead, when she became aware that he was still waiting for her reaction, she pulled her lips to one side, acting as though she was deeply considering him. "…yeah…", she sighed in mock resignation. "I mean, I guess…"

Her heart thrummed when Hiccup showed no offense at her reaction; if anything he appeared grateful for the familiar teasing and the levity it brought.

Scoffing lightheartedly, he shook his head.

"Oh, well", he muttered, attempting to hide his smirk by angling his head down, "by all means, don't let me strong-arm you into submission…"

Astrid snorted. "Like that could ever happen", she ribbed dryly, flashing a wry smile.

Raising his face to look square at her, his eyebrows lifted in surprise. Hiccup then narrowed his eyes as though offended. "Ah..ha…a strength joke! That's…very original…"

As Astrid's hand rose to rub at her chin (and certainly not to conceal a smile), Hiccup shook his head.

"You know, I expect more from you", he chided in feigned disappointment. "You're better than that."

At this she let her hand drop, revealing a cheeky grin. "No I'm not."

A sputtered laugh almost escaped Hiccup's mouth, forcing him to choke it back. "Alright, fine", he conceded with a sigh, no longer hiding his lazy smile. "Do I at least get credit for trying to be nice?"

Tapping a finger to her chin in consideration, Astrid hummed thoughtfully. "I'll give you a point for that; but you lose half of it for begging."

Hiccup shrugged. "All I'm hearing is that I won half a point", he smiled, enough to show the slight gap in his teeth. "And for the record: asking is not begging!"

"Sure, sure", Astrid dismissively teased, smirking while absently popping her knuckles.

First looking up in a halfhearted attempt at rolling his eyes for show, Hiccup smiled to himself as he glanced down at his own hands. He flexed his fingers in and away from his palm as he sleepily immersed himself in the return of the comfortable silence between them. At the edge of that comfort was an electric tingling; an old excitement that made every molecule in his body feel like it was buzzing with energy.

It was difficult to ignore the sensation. And it wasn't for lack of trying: his ingrained drive for self-preservation gave him more than enough motivation to do so. But the combination of their forced physical closeness and the stark candor of their words formed a tempting intimacy that he was reluctant to push away. Even if it was something that he couldn't keep forever.

Friendliness fringing on flirtation had been a constant theme through their teenage years. Something so wonderful and familiar was now strangely surreal. He was no longer dancing around an attraction for his best human friend but with a former lover – one that carried his child.

He wasn't sure if that made him more or less entitled to enjoy those pleasant moments; whether it was kind or cruel to allow more to happen.

Peeking up through his hair to look at Astrid, his pulse skipped when he saw she was watching him as well. She looked away first, but only after giving a shy smile.

Seemed he wasn't the only one feeling flustered and conflicted.

Despite his exhaustion, Hiccup was overcome with an anxious need to move. Shifting to plant his hands behind him and lean back, Hiccup took the opportunity to stretch his neck. As his head rolled to the side, trying to work out a crick, he again glanced up at the opening in the rubble.

Though he gave up on relieving his sore neck after several attempts, his stare remained in place as he thought.

"So...", he mused, finally looking back at Astrid. "What do you say we try to get out of here?"

Without a word, Astrid smiled broadly as she gave an eager bob of her head. She then pushed herself up to stand and brushed her skirt to shake off some of the dust that had settled.

Hiccup rose to his feet as well.

They both turned to look at the precarious pile, scanning for weak points and assessing where best to start.

Arms crossed, Astrid's fingers drummed as her eyes squinted, analyzing the rubble's structure.

"I'm thinking try to move one higher up", she advised, pointing up to a cluster of stones near the gap that appeared small enough to potentially move. "Less above to drop."

Eying the area in question, Hiccup gave a satisfied nod. "Agreed."

His gaze then dropped downward, frowning at the considerable distance between their target and the ground. "Now, how to get up there…"

Pursing her lips in thought, Astrid's eyes suddenly widened. Loose hair swept over her shoulder as her head cocked to face Hiccup. "Give me a boost?"

With a raised eyebrow, Hiccup slowly turned his head to look at her, his eyes dipping to her stomach pointedly. "…you're joking", he challenged, bewildered by the mere suggestion.

Astrid returned a weary stare. "Hiccup, I'm not an invalid."

Though his expression loosened out of respect, he still wasn't the least bit swayed. "Well, what if-?"

"You stand on my shoulders?" she interjected, following his thought process. Astrid held back the urge to briskly shake her head, and instead pursed her lips. "I mean…I guess we can try again", she murmured, though any attempt to appear open-minded was overridden by her doubting tone. "…just, you know, that has proven to be…"

Her voice trailed as she saw Hiccup glance down at his prosthetic, his features hardening as he dug the metal prong that formed his "foot" into the ground.

No more needed to be said – he vividly recalled every unfortunate event where he had to use someone else for leverage in a drill or in battle. Best case, he face-planted to the ground. Worst, the poor soul he stood on had only a nasty bruise on their shoulder or back to show for it.

Frowning at his leg, discouraged, Hiccup groaned deep in his throat. When he looked back up at Astrid, his face portrayed his frustration at his crumbling arguments. "And if you fall?"

The blonde gave an unconcerned shrug. "Well, then I guess you'd have to catch me."

Seeing the young man's face whiten in horror, Astrid grinned in amusement, finally taking pity on him as she placed a comforting hand to his arm.

"You're not going to let me fall", she said with unfailing confidence.

Her infectious faith lessened the growing fear in Hiccup's eyes.

Returning a small smile, though far less assured than hers, he looked back up at the rocks they would need to reach. Seeing no better alternative, he nodded reluctantly as he laced his fingers to form a foothold.

His knees bent slightly before looking at Astrid expectantly.

Without missing a beat, she stepped into Hiccup's hands, quickly moving to his shoulders as his arms shot up.

"Watch the ankle", he warned, noting the awkward angle of her injured leg.

She grunted in response, grasping his raised hands and using them to maintain her balance until she found the proper footing. To her dissatisfaction, she found the whole exercise to be more difficult than it would have been months earlier.

Bracing his legs, Hiccup moved his hands to grasp her calves while angling his neck to peer up. "Any luck?"

Finally at a point where she felt in-control, Astrid frowned as she placed a steadying hand against the rocks in front of her, looking up at the gap that still was out of her reach.

"Not unless you're planning on growing another foot", she reported dryly.

Hiccup couldn't help smirking at her unintended phrasing, glancing down at his prosthetic. "Is it sad I almost wish Snotlout or the twins were here for the obvious punchline?"

With a quick snort, Astrid smiled at the thought. "A little", she quipped, running her hands over the wall. "Though, I'll admit, I kind of miss the muttonheads too."

Holding back a laugh, forcing his shoulders to hold still, Hiccup huffed. "Wow…" he drawled. "Heat must be getting to you."

He then smirked as she rotated her foot to nudge her good heel into his cheek in retaliation.

"Yeah, yeah…" Astrid muttered playfully, all the while gingerly pressing the pads of her fingers against every fault in the rocks.

She worked quietly for a moment, trying to hide her growing discouragement as each attempt yielded zero give. This became more challenging as every stone she examined remained solidly in place.

"Speaking of which", she continued, turning to small talk to distract herself, "what are the odds of them figuring out where we are?"

Repositioning his sweating hands to grasp Astrid's legs more firmly, Hiccup tilted his head in thought.

"Assuming Viggo doesn't bait them too? Not very high", he admitted sheepishly. "I, uh, didn't, really, tell anyone before I left."

Though Hiccup cringed, anticipating an earful for his repeated carelessness, he was surprised when he only heard Astrid hum in acknowledgment.

He looked up at her, brow quirked in interest. "What? No "I told you so"?"

Hearing her chuckle, he pressed a bit more. ""This is why you always leave a note, Hiccup?" Nothing?"

Grinning at his sass, Astrid shook her head.

"I won't lie, it's extremely tempting. But…" She shrugged. "I didn't either, so I can't really talk."

Chastising herself for not leaving any clues behind, her smile fell. "When I realized what had happened…I guess, I just reacted. Didn't really think it through."

Hearing her somber shift, as well as the sincerity in her voice, Hiccup's grin dulled.

"…yeah", he agreed, reliving the wash of panic when he saw Stormfly with no rider. "I-I know what you mean."

The drop in his tone also didn't go unnoticed. Astrid raised an eyebrow, tempted to prod but opting not to.

They continued to work slowly and methodically. After Hiccup took a few careful steps to the side, Astrid was relieved to finally find a rock with some give. It was lower than she had hoped, but the placement seemed promising.

"Alright", Hiccup said, voice strained with anxiety. "At the same time you push, I'm stepping back."

"Got it", Astrid confirmed, placing her palms against the stone.

"And if you feel unsteady", he warned, "try to fall straight down. Not forward or back."

She nodded her head. "Right."

Unsatisfied with her quick response, Hiccup tried again.

"Straight down", he repeated firmly. "I cannot stress how important that part is."

A snort escaped as Astrid laughed.

"Okay!" she assured, craning her neck to look down at him. "Message received."

Hearing him grumble beneath her, she smirked. "I'll try not to hit your head on the way down."

Hiccup's eyes narrowed slightly up at her.

"I can't tell if you're being serious or not", he muttered, suddenly too nervous for teasing. "Anyway, on three, when you're ready."

Astrid nodded, bracing her arms. "Ready", she announced. "One…"

Hiccup tensed as his grip tightened. "Two..."

"Three!" Astrid grunted, giving the rock a firm shove.

At first it felt like her efforts were for not, as the stone barely moved despite how much force she applied. But she finally felt it roll away from her fingertips, and heard the rocks above it scrape against one another as they shifted out of place.

She snapped her hands back, concentrating on staying upright as she felt Hiccup move below her.

The rocks that fell scattered quickly, a few rolling away but most crashing to the floor in front of them.

With one landing closer than expected, Hiccup had to take an uneven step back, throwing off Astrid's balance as her bad ankle gave way.

Her gasp came at the same time Hiccup felt her boot slip off his shoulder. Panicked, he quickly positioned his arms into a tight loop, gasping for air as she fell into him.

Lightheaded, he then took another quick step backwards, placing his back to the opposing wall as they both watched the rubble resettle.

Chest heaving as she drew in breaths, Astrid kept one hand clutched to her belly as the other wiped across her dusty face. She then looked into Hiccup's wide, traumatized eyes.

"S-see?" she offered with a forced smile, waving her hand towards the slightly widened opening in the rocks. "Progress!"

Hiccup followed her gesture, panting as his eyes flicked back to hers. "…and how many more times do we have to do this?"

Sucking in her lower lip, Astrid scanned the rubble as she motioned for Hiccup to put her down.

Her feet barely touched the ground by the time she frowned, realizing how much more work lay ahead.

"I'm going to say: a lot."

After some back-and-forth on whether to continue as planned (which Hiccup grew increasingly opposed to), the pair soldiered on. The rocks that fell offered more options as they used them to reach higher stones. Over the course of an hour they managed to carefully remove several more stones near the open gap and widened the space.

There were some near misses along the way - one of the rocks had been almost entirely removed, until several heavier rocks began to slip too quickly. Astrid shoved the stabilizing stone back in place, causing only two smaller chunks to crash to the ground. These missteps became more frequent as the dying fire light made it difficult to see the fine cracks between each rock.

With both of them back on the ground, looking for their next target, Hiccup groaned as he wiped at his burning eyes.

"I think we should stop", he muttered, stretching his lower back.

Meanwhile, Astrid rubbed at her strained bicep as she eyed a particular stone up above.

"Are you sure? If you give me another lift, I think can I try this one from a different angle."

Watching her stand beneath the rocks that were barely settled in place, Hiccup's desperation to get out of their enclosure was tempered by the fear of making a deadly mistake in the process.

"I'm...just worn out", he claimed, sights still locked on the rocks above her. "Don't you think we've earned a break?"

Astrid pressed her lips in thought, clearly antsy to escape. But she ultimately bobbed her head in concession, brushing her palms together to remove streaks of dust as she shifted to sit down as Hiccup did the same.

Before she reached the floor, the familiar jab of pain shot down to her groin. Pulling air between clenched teeth, Astrid grimaced as she settled on the ground.

With wide, startled eyes, Hiccup's stare darted between Astrid's face and the hand pressed into her hip. "W-what? What's wrong?"

Biting at her lip, Astrid gave a quick shake of her head.

"Nothing", she briskly assured, her pitch too high to be genuine.

Hiccup frowned. "Astrid..."

Hearing the warning in his tone – and knowing he wouldn't back down again without an answer – Astrid released a defeated sigh.

"...fine", she relented with a frown, face still screwed in discomfort. "I don't know."

Hiccup's brow dropped in concern. "Don't know...?"

"What this is", Astrid groaned, rubbing the tender line down the side of her belly.

As his stare grew distressed, she shrugged dismissively. "It happens sometimes, but then it stops."

"Sometimes?" he echoed, disturbed that it had happened before. "How long has it been happening?"

Nose scrunched as she adjusted the way she sat, Astrid bobbed a shoulder. "Couple of weeks I guess."

Mouth ajar, Hiccup looked down at her abdomen.

"A couple of weeks…?" he murmured under his breath.

Hearing how hollow his voice was, Astrid cringed.

"I know" she sighed, feeling the resurgence of guilt. "I should have said something before now."

"Well, yeah, that", Hiccup acknowledged, "but…well, I'm also kicking myself here."

Finally feeling the pain begin to subside, Astrid drew in a full breath in relief. But her face only relaxed for a moment before her brow knit as she replayed his words. "Why?"

Hiccup shook his head, his gaze still locked on her stomach.

"H-how did I not notice that you've been hurting?" With a small huff, he waved his hand towards her figure. "How did I not notice all of this?"

Blue eyes narrowed in light offense, looking down at her belly and her broadening form. "Tread carefully, Haddock", she muttered.

At first confused, realization finally hit, prompting Hiccup to wrinkle his nose at her.

"Not like that", he chastised lightly. "All I'm saying is…" But he paused, groaning.

Astrid watched him in interest as she stretched one leg out.

Hiccup's shoulders rose, only dropping as he released a heavy sigh. "I-I don't even know what I'm saying", he admitted. "I knew I'd been distracted but...I mean, I saw you were having some trouble chopping wood..."

He then froze, looking up at her with wide, guilty eyes. "Wait. Could…could that have-?"

Astrid held out her other hand to stop him, knowing where he was going.

"It's not from chopping wood", she firmly assured him.

Truthfully, she didn't know that for certain. But she didn't want him to go down that path.

Not entirely convinced, Hiccup gave a single nod of his head - though the worry in his features remained. "I mean...is everything okay?"

Astrid's expression dropped, putting Hiccup more on edge.

"I...I don't know", she admitted weakly, letting her gaze drift away. "Hopefully."

Hiccup was completely out of his element, with no reference what so ever to determine how concerned he should be.

"It's just…is this normal or...?"

"Hiccup", Astrid interjected softly, reaching out to put a hand on his forearm.

The man paused, head snapping up to meet her stare as she looked him square in the eye.

"I don't know", she repeated. "Never done this before and never paid any attention to anyone who has."

Releasing a puff of air past her lips, Astrid shrugged. "Honestly, I didn't want to know about any of this."

Seeing her discomfort, Hiccup forced a sad smile. "You really didn't want this to ever happen, did you?" he asked bluntly, battling a strange sense of rejection.

"Never even considered it could", she admitted. "Dumb as it sounds, just...seemed like that wasn't in my life's plan."

Head rolling slightly, Hiccup looked at her quizzically.

Astrid scoffed, lazily rolling her eyes halfway. "Like it wasn't destined to happen, so it couldn't. I've had my whole life planned out since I was eight years old, and let's just say," she added with a soft pat to her stomach, "this wasn't part of that."

What she said rung true for Hiccup, who nodded as he recalled the assured and driven little girl who somehow knew she was meant for glory and greatness. Something he envied.

But as he thought about the past four years, he wondered what the small warrior would have thought of the way her life unfolded. How she would have felt knowing that her plans had been derailed – and worse, by the village menace.

"And how'd the rest of that plan work out for you?" he asked carefully.

Astrid snorted. "Let's just say nothing panned out the way it was supposed to", she muttered dryly.

Swallowing uncomfortably, Hiccup shifted in his seat. "Y-yeah…" he laughed weakly. "Um, s-sorry for…you know…my part in all…that."

Arching a brow in confusion, Astrid took in his insecure posture. Her lips tugged into a reassuring smile. "But…that actually hasn't been a bad thing. Berk's safer than ever. The dragons are amazing. I can't imagine not ever knowing Stormfly."

Though her face reddened slightly, she looked back at Hiccup, eyeing him intently. "All in all, I'm honestly glad you ruined my plans", she admitted.

Taken aback, Hiccup's own mouth quirked upward. "…oh. Well…glad I ruined something in a good way – for once."

Giving a quiet chuckle, Astrid's smile weakened as her attention pulled back to her abdomen.

"This has been…hard to wrap my head around. I'm still not completely sure how I feel about it but…I really, really don't want things to not be okay", she mumbled, running her thumb tenderly over her stomach.

Something in that moment shook Hiccup to his core. Seeing the rough warrior sitting, legs folded as she gently stroked her swollen belly was a surreal sight. He could see her suck her lower lip in as she looked down with concern.

It was then that it dawned on him - the amount of fear and anxiety she must had carried all along.

Biting the inside of his cheek, Hiccup awkwardly scratched at the side of his face, eyes locked on the small mound. His hand momentarily jerked forward before he pulled it back, fingers curling into his palm.

Noticing the movement, Astrid looked up from her stomach, eyes falling on his withdrawn hand.

"Oh", she breathed in surprise. "Um, you…you can touch", she invited.

Wide eyes stared back at her.

Suddenly second-guessing her read of his intent, Astrid shrugged, forcing her tone to become more casual. "I mean, if you want to."

Hiccup blinked owlishly. "Oh. Uh, really?"

When she nodded, he cleared his throat as his gaze fell back down. "…uh, yeah. Sure. O-okay."

He adjusted to sit a little closer, hesitantly reaching forward but stopping mid-air.

His hand hovered over the mound, adjusting slightly but never quite touching. "Where do I-?"

Biting back a laugh, Astrid smirked. "It's just my stomach, Hiccup."

Hiccup's eyes darted to hers. "I think we can agree - this is a little different than just a stomach."

Rolling her eye good-naturedly, she placed her hand over his, guiding it down until his palm pressed firmly against her. "Here. This is where I think they were moving earlier."

At first fixated on the feeling of the taunt swell under his hand, Hiccup's reaction was delayed as his head shot up, gaping at Astrid in disbelief.

"M-moving...?" He squeaked out.

"Mhmm."

His stare didn't waver. "…there's been moving?"

Astrid looked down at where his hand rested. "I think so. Just today...or I guess yesterday? Technically."

Shocked, Hiccup could only shake his head, struggling to absorb that information.

Turning his attention back to her stomach, he found himself wondering if he would feel anything like she described.

But after several minutes passed, all the while only sensing the slightest shifts that fell in time with her breathing, Hiccup frowned, disappointed.

He couldn't see much detail under the thick garment, but as he timidly glided his hand to the side he clearly felt and saw the definitive curve of her rounded abdomen.

Astrid watched Hiccup's face as a soft smile formed on her own. At first waiting with apprehension, wondering if he would be repulsed by the changes in her once lithe form, it quickly became apparent that that thought never once crossed his mind. If anything he looked mesmerized; taking in the experience with an incomparable fascination.

When his wrist brushed against her hip, Hiccup suddenly remembered the line down her side that she had grasped.

"This where it was hurting?" he asked while motioned to the spot.

Astrid only nodded, watching carefully as he gently pressed his index finger inward and dragged it along the edge of her belly.

Hiccup glanced up to see if the movement caused any pain, but Astrid's face showed no sign of discomfort.

She shrugged. "Like I said - it comes and goes."

Humming in thought, his eyes squinted as he looked back at her abdomen.

Knowing that his attention was entirely off her face, Astrid didn't bother to hide the amused smirk that formed - he was deep in problem solving mode.

For a moment Hiccup gingerly palpitated the area; no longer bashful about their close contact but still mindful of the pressure he applied.

His facial features would occasionally shift, serving as a reflection of his thoughts. One minute his brow may knit if he felt something unexpected, or his lips would part as though preparing to speak. But he never said anything beyond occasionally mumbling to himself or breathing a "huh" in interest.

All the while Astrid watched him closely. After consciously and subconsciously keeping a safe distance between her swelling abdomen and nearly everything else, having such prolonged contact with another person felt…strange.

The fact that it was Hiccup, while comforting and not the least bit unpleasant, made it all the more surreal.

Pursing his lips as his head tilted to the side, Hiccup slowly nodded as he allowed his hand to still. But he didn't pull it away, and lifted his face to offer Astrid a canted smile.

"It'll be okay", he concluded suddenly, said with an unusual confidence.

Surprised by his declaration, Astrid looked at Hiccup curiously. His words had an instant effect, not only on her worried mind, but her tensed body – as though she could suddenly take in a full breath that reached the bottom of her lungs. Still, her uncompromising skepticism didn't allow her to enjoy the feeling.

"You don't know that", she countered quietly. Looking around at their surroundings pointedly, she flicked her eyes back to Hiccup. "Especially with all this."

Although Hiccup nodded in understanding, his assured expression held firm. "No, I do", he insisted, though he was just as baffled by the absence of logic to support it.

As Astrid's lips pulled down into a small frown, he shrugged.

"Don't know how", he admitted. "...but I do."

Jaw loosening, Astrid blinked her tired eyes as doubt melted from her face. Seeing Hiccup look so sure…and knowing him well enough to know he was nearly incapable of offering empty assurances. Certainly not well enough to ever get away with it.

She wanted to believe him. Needed to.

Dropping her gaze to his hand, still limply settled against her stomach, Astrid forced her lips to curve upward. "Well, let's hope you're right", she sighed.

Returning a warm smile - relieved to see some hope underlying her somber expression - Hiccup reluctantly withdrew his hand as he adjusted to sit in a more comfortable position beside her.

The pair soon fell into a lazy but content silence, sitting side by side as their weary minds drifted off. Had they not been in such a precarious position under extraordinary circumstances, it would have felt like any old day. The way their days used to be.

Stifling a yawn, Astrid blinked rapidly, trying to keep her tired eyes open. She was surprised Hiccup wasn't nodding off, and was instead rolling the small stone between his fingers again, his gaze honed on the opening above them. While she had expected the fatigue from yet another night without rest to take its toll, he seemed alert.

Oddly alert.

Daring to turn her head, Astrid took a better look at him. The repetitive motion of his hand was nothing new – simply a nervous tic of his. But paired with a fixed, anticipating stare, his thoughts were unusually transparent.

"So…what are you waiting for?" she prompted, intrigued.

Startled, Hiccup's eyes shot in her direction.

Astrid's own eyes widened before a glint of suspicion hardened her stare.

Realizing his slip, Hiccup angled his face up and away from her gaze. "W-what, uh...what d'you mean?"

Holding back a snort at his poor cover, Astrid shrugged in feigned ignorance. "Oh, just wondering why you've been rolling that rock in your hand non-stop", she noted easily, looking down at the object in question. "You're fidgety. Impatient."

Her gaze flicked to his eyes knowingly. "Waiting for something."

Hiccup looked down at his hand, tugging his mouth back. "…no", he replied calmly.

Astrid huffed.

"You're lying", she challenged, only the slightest hint of surprise in her voice.

His shoulders tensed at the remark, and he cocked an eyebrow.

"Really?" he asked wearily. "You want to be the moral authority right now?"

Though his tone didn't carry the heat of an accusation – just his typical snark - the small jab tested Astrid's fragile patience.

The woman's expression dropped, looking at Hiccup with stark disappointment. Two steps forward and then another step back.

"…alright", she sighed heavily, feeling both wounded and ashamed. "I get it. I hurt you, so you hurt me. Fine."

Hiccup's face slacked, no longer fixated on his own discomfort. Suddenly more bothered by hers.

Shrugging in resignation, Astrid shook her head sadly. "And we can just keep going back and forth until Ragnarok. Gods know we're both stubborn enough…"

Head turned slightly, Astrid bit her lip as she peered up at him. "Problem is, Hiccup…I don't want to do that."

Lips parting to speak, Hiccup's voice caught. He wanted to tell her there was nothing behind the comment – that he wasn't even upset anymore. But at the same time knew that doing so would only be tossing another lie into the mix.

The irony wasn't lost on him.

There was more truth behind his sarcasm than he was comfortable with. He wasn't angry anymore; or at least he didn't feel angry.

"I…I don't either", he assured.

And he was surprised to realize that he meant it.

"I'm…sorry", he mumbled, rubbing at his neck as he looked down in shame. "I don't know why I said…I didn't mean anyth…"

But his excuses fell apart.

Grimacing, Hiccup closed his eyes as he exhaled deeply, letting his shoulders drop weakly. "…I'm not trying to hurt you", he murmured.

Watching Hiccup carefully, the sharp glint in Astrid's stare dulled.

Hiccup took no notice, his gaze fixed away from her as he shook his head. Then slowly, he turned his face towards her to reveal wide penitent eyes. "But…I am really sorry I did."

Any remaining shred of offense quickly melted from Astrid's features, leaving a slacked, neutral expression. Even in the firelight, Hiccup could see the half-circles beneath her tired eyes – appearing not only physically drained but emotionally spent as well.

The pair held their gaze on one another in complete silence.

Finally, Astrid sighed.

"…I know", she muttered, running the back of her hand over closed eyes, fighting a raging headache. "I know."

As Hiccup's furrowed brow relaxed in relief, Astrid's face only tensed.

Crossing her arms tightly over her chest, she huffed bitterly under her breath. "Believe it or not", she grumbled in embarrassment, nose wrinkling as she absently ran a finger over her grazed palm, "…I'm not trying to hurt you either."

Taking in her hunched pose…the way she avoided his gaze and the light wrinkle of her nose as she grit her teeth, Hiccup was disturbed to recognize the body language. He had felt it before (especially in recent months) – that inward anger that threatens to grow, eventually caving in on itself to become self-loathing. It was a terrible place to be, and it was disturbing to see it reflected in her. It was so far from the confident woman he knew.

Considering her for a moment, Hiccup nodded shallowly. "I know."

With her fingers pressing into her stiffened jaw, massaging tight tendons, Astrid looked up at him. "Do you?" she asked, her tone disbelieving.

Hesitating for only a second, Hiccup gave another nod. "Yeah."

Stilling her fingers to rest on her face, Astrid returned to neutral. "How?" she questioned. Her desire to believe and be believed was tainted by months of evidence to the contrary, leaving her off-balance and desperate. "Why…y-you haven't belie-"

"Because…" he interjected, interrupting her ruminations. Cringing for the briefest second – an apology for his interruption – Hiccup still maintained their gaze. "I…I know you."

Astrid's nose scrunched for a mere second in confusion before his words fully hit. Blonde eyebrows then rose as her eyes widened.

Noting he had her full attention once more, the corner of Hiccup's mouth quirked upward. "I did…forget that, for a time," he admitted, with a loose bounce of his shoulder, "but…yeah…"

His lips pulled tighter into a sad smile. "…I still know you, Astrid."

He stared at her blank expression that portrayed little emotion. But it was the minute shifts in her eyes as she looked deeply into his gaze that showed him everything he needed to see. Even in the dimmed light he could see the shine of saline, and the construction of her throat as she swallowed heavily.

Her lips parted to speak, and he watched as the fingers still pressed against her face limply slid down until the tips left her jaw.

And as her slender digits fell away, they revealed long, dark smears of blackened dust across her skin.

Hiccup's eyes widened, taken aback by the unexpected sight. Momentarily pulled from the gravity of the moment, his gaze lifted back to Astrid's eyes as he attempted to ignore the little smudges.

The very dark little smudges.

The very dark and, truthfully, fairly sizeable smudges. That streaked along her mouth and jaw.

That he could still clearly see in his periphery.

Any self-discipline began to break, and despite his efforts, Hiccup's attention kept being pulled.

His distraction became evident, and Astrid's features tightened as she watched him quizzically.

"What?" she asked, unable to ignore the way one corner of his mouth suddenly quirked up. She was confused, and frustrated at the poor timing of his sudden amusement.

"Um…n-nothing", Hiccup choked out before clearing his throat. Even as he tried to recover, his cheeks kept rising as he fought back a smile.

Offense bubbled under the surface, and Astrid's eyes narrowed. "Hiccup…"

Realizing he was caught, and that any build-up between them had entirely dissipated, Hiccup's mouth dropped. But even in a moment of genuine remorse, his eyes still shone. "Um, sorry. You've, eh, got something right..." Not trusting himself to speak, he used his index finger to circle his own mouth.

Astrid's eyes widened. "Seriously?" she asked, glancing downward in disgust.

Squinting his eyes slightly, Hiccup examined her face and then glanced down at the ground. "Looks like ash", he mused.

Astrid looked at her hands, and saw smears of dark residue coating her fingers.

"Must have been a fire here at some point…or something", she grumbled, using the back of her hand to rub around her mouth. After several swipes, she pulled her hand away as she looked to Hiccup. "Better?"

Bringing his fist to his mouth to hide his growing smirk, he shook his head.

"Um, no…way worse", he informed her, his voice muffled by his hand. "It spread and…well, it looks like you've got a beard."

Astrid rolled her eyes. "Great", she groaned, using the clean heel of her hand to rub against her chin.

Hearing several stifled snorts escape beside her, she glanced up to see Hiccup's shoulders shaking, no longer attempting to hide his amusement.

"It's not that funny", she lightly grumbled.

Hiccup smirked. "...I mean, it kind of is."

With her lower lip sticking out to form a pout, Astrid scratched at her sullied face before pulling her fingers away for inspection. Seeing the clumps of oily ash caked beneath her fingernail, she twisted her face in disgust.

Meanwhile, Hiccup casually watched her wrestle with the grime. With a lopsided smile, he purposely laced his fingers together, pulling them tautly over his knee. He had to do something to control his itchy fingers; to combat a growing urge to reach for her. Whether it was the comfort of their familiar banter or the overwhelming temptation to indulge a need for closeness – the day's events had only further complicated his feelings and threatened to blur the boundary lines he had begrudgingly drawn.

He had been truthful when he said that he knew her – despite everything said and done. Even at her worst, she was Astrid. Nothing would change that. Yes, there had been times where he barely recognized her, but it only truly hurt because he knew she was still there. So he took the good moments as he could find them, while begrudgingly lamenting

But, this – this Astrid, he knew better than any human in Midgard. Lively, and animated. Clever.

"I think…I think it's coming off", she murmured as she firmly scrubbed at her face. Casting a look at Hiccup for confirmation, her frown soured as he shook his head.

"Damn it!" she cursed, rubbing her chin more briskly.

Stubborn.

Peering at him from the side, she narrowed her eyes. "And wipe that smirk off your face", she muttered, now using both hands without success.

So stubborn.

Her chastising had the opposite effect, causing him to release a loud short.

Though at first she sent a petulant glare, Hiccup then saw her eyes widen for less than a second. He knew that look well – something she did whenever a wily thought arose.

Relaxing her frown into enigmatic smile, Astrid shrugged one shoulder dismissively. "You're just jealous because you're officially the last one on the Edge without facial hair", she teased.

Hiccup sputtered. "What?" he asked incredulously, gesturing to the rough stubble that followed his jaw line. "What do you think this is?"

As she continued in vain to wipe her own chin clean, Astrid squinted her eyes, craning her neck forward as if struggling to see the sparse collection of wispy hair.

"On you?" she mused, letting the words drawl loosely. With a glint in her eye, she gave a cheeky grin. "I'd guess one – no, that's not fair - two weeks without shaving."

Lips parted, prepared for a comeback, Hiccup instead paused. His face screwed in thought, mentally ticking through the days. His mouth pulled slowly spreading into a grimace.

"That's…honestly not too far off…" he admitted under his breath, rubbing at his jaw.

Catching herself from snorting, Astrid smiled slyly. "To the day, isn't it?"

At first too engrossed in his inspection of his stubble, it took a moment for Hiccup's eyes to bounce back up to her face, shooting her a teasing glare.

Flashing a brilliant smile in triumph, Astrid continued rubbing at her lower jaw. "Now?"

Hiccup shook his head, grinning. "Nope."

Astrid's arms dropped to her lap. "Oh, come on!" she moaned.

Though thoroughly entertained, Hiccup decided to cut her some slack. "Wait, wait", he instructed.

Scooting closer to her, he brought his thumb to his mouth, wetting the pad before dragging it over her chin.

Astrid's lip curled as she felt the viscosity of his saliva as he scrubbed away at the ash.

"Gods", she groaned, "Is this really the best we can do?"

Hiccup huffed, rewetting his thumb as he moved further up her jawline. "It's just spit."

"Hmm…"just spit"", she muttered. "You forget that not all of us are used to bathing in dragon slobber."

Her comment prompted him to meet her challenging gaze with mock offense.

Then, his eyes shone deviously. "Just for that..."

He licked his finger again, this time emphasizing the motion as Astrid squirmed in response.

Her nose wrinkled as he again placed his finger against her jaw, spreading the saliva as he went.

Astrid shuddered.

"C'mon, it's not that bad", he laughed.

"Yes, it is", she argued.

Rolling his eyes, Hiccup's smile widened. "Hey, could be worse", he teased. "…I could be Snotlout."

Even in the dark, he could see Astrid's pallor shift to a sickly green.

"Don't even SAY that!" she admonished, swatting at his chest as her tongue stuck out. "Ever! Ugh!"

Chuckling, Hiccup continued to scrub at her face, finally seeing patches of pink skin emerge from the soot.

"Aha! See…so it could be worse", he smirked.

Tapping the side of her foot into the ground impatiently, Astrid shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"Fine", she conceded with a dramatic sigh, eyes closed as he rubbed up her cheek. "That is way, way worse. I mean, this is gross enough with someone you love - but Snotlout?" she scoffed, nose scrunched in disgust. ""Like" is too strong of a word most days…"

In an instant, Hiccup's hands stilled.

The sudden stop made Astrid's eyes quickly open, worried that she had offended. But when she met his gaze she saw no irritation. The amusement in his expression was gone, replaced with something akin to shock.

"What?" she prompted, feeling oddly self-conscious under his indecipherable stare. Replaying her words, a frown appeared. "Look, when I say I don't like Snotlout sometimes, it doesn't mean I won't work with him or anythin-"

Eyes still wide, Hiccup's hands slowly dropped from her face. "No", he interjected briskly, shaking his head. "No…not…it's not Snotlout."

This made Astrid's lips pull tighter, and a single blonde brow rose as she eyed the man carefully.

Feeling his lips grow dry, realizing his mouth was still slightly ajar, Hiccup his jaw shut. "You…" he started again, before his voice fell away. "…um, me?"

Astrid returned a slow blink – unsure whether to be frustrated or worried. "…me and you? Aaaare…?"

Holding her in a bewildered gaze, Hiccup used his hand to cautiously motion between them. "Just, ah, now…" he stammered. "I-I…you. And assuming someone is me..."

Seeing the blonde's expression rapidly growing more concerned, Hiccup exhaled sharply before drawing in a steady breath. Feeling a bit less shaky, Hiccup tried one more time. "Did you say…did you mean to say…you love me?"

Astrid's brow lifted as her eyes widened. Suddenly aware of her slip, she resisted the urge to turn away, opting instead to lightly rake her fingers through the split ends of her hair.

"Oh. Um, well…" she drawled awkwardly, cheeks heating up. "I guess I did say that, huh?" She almost released a weary laugh, though it was largely lost beneath her muttering. "Didn't plan to say it…", she admitted with a weak shrug. "But, I mean…it's not wrong."

Cringing at her own words, Astrid's discomfort only worsened under Hiccup's vague stare. Though she certainly hadn't intended to be quite that transparent, and was admittedly embarrassed for it, she didn't understand why he was so taken aback. He left her, after all – not the other way around.

Unsettled, she paused. "And?"

Swallowing heavily, Hiccup's gaze fell before drifting back to her face. "It's just…you've, uh…never said that before."

Rearing her head back in surprise, Astrid huffed in disbelief. "What do you -?"

But she froze, frantically searching through fragments of shuffled memories - certain that he must be mistaken. Yet she couldn't recall a specific event where she had actually said the words aloud.

She remembered many things: laughing, kissing, teasing, and quiet moments just being together. All things that felt like love to her, but not a single instance where the words had ever been said. On either side.

Suddenly aware that she had spaced out, she noted how carefully Hiccup observed her.

"...oh", Astrid finally breathed, her pitch unnaturally high. Wincing from the sound, she cleared her throat. "I thought I…it's just, it's obvious. Isn't it?"

She was disheartened to see his expression remain unchanged, showing no sign of recognition for what she considered to be a simple fact.

Pushing forward to sit up straighter, she looked at Hiccup, shaking her head. "Really?" she breathed in disbelief. "After everything?"

Hiccup's stunned silence made her stomach churn.

"I mean, Hiccup…we wouldn't be here if I didn't", she added with a weak huff as she placed a hand over her belly.

His gaze fell momentarily on her hand before rising back to meet her stare.

She didn't understand. How could this have been some huge revelation for him? And his reaction – it made it impossible to tell whether this "news" was welcomed or not.

Sucking in her lips, Astrid looked away awkwardly as she brushed her bangs to the side with shaking fingers.

"D-does it even matter anymore?" she boldly asked - though in the moment she didn't feel very brave.

As the numb expression he held began to shift, she was horrified to see him grow more uncomfortable rather than relieved.

He looked fearful. Sick.

Astrid's face began to reflect the same ill-feeling, though hers for an entirely different reason.

"I…sorry", she mumbled, glancing away from him. "I shouldn't have said that...apparently..."

Shaking his head, Hiccup quickly jumped in.

"No! No, it's just..."

Lips parted, his eyes tracked her face unevenly, occasionally straying to look to the ground. "...it's…"

Feeling the sting of saline coating her wide eyes, Astrid froze as she waited and watched the young man flounder.

Tightening his expression as he kept his stare to the floor, Hiccup circled one wrist, allowing his fingers to flex as he struggled to speak. "It's, um…complicated." He cringed. "I-I guess."

Blinking in rapid succession, Astrid's expression dropped, hurt by the return of her own words. "...ah."

Despite consciously averting her gaze, Hiccup could see the fresh pain emanating from it.

He stammered, trying to backpedal. "But it's not - you aren't the-"

Crossing her arms over her chest, Astrid rolled a shoulder. "No, no, it's…fine", she forced out, trying to regain a neutral tone. "You don't...you're not required-"

Hiccup shook his head feverishly, panicking. "That's not..."

His voice trailed before he groaned in frustration as he dropped his head. "It's really just…"

When he didn't finish, Astrid peered back at him. With his head in his hands, he appeared shattered by the whole exchange.

As deeply disappointed as she was, she reminded herself that he didn't owe her anything. While she couldn't grasp what he could be grappling with, she was growing increasingly concerned by how lost he seemed.

Whether he couldn't explain or didn't want to…the end result was the same from Astrid's end.

Covertly curling her fingers into her palm, pressing them into the soft flesh to focus her tension, she managed to press her lips into a sad smile.

"...really, really complicated?" she offered weakly, giving him an out.

Hiccup groaned as he ran a hand down his face. Unsure of what else to say, he simply nodded, avoiding her gaze as he viciously berated himself.

Drawing in a sharp breath, subtly grinding the heel of her boot into the ground, Astrid absently swiped her forearm across her jaw. The skin felt tacky as the motion pulled away the cooling remnants of his saliva.

She tried to ignore Hiccup's discomfort as he ran a hand through his hair and blankly stared at the wall. It wasn't that she didn't care – she did. Maybe too much. But despite her best efforts Astrid couldn't quash the hurt that enveloped her.

While not an outright rejection, his reaction was outside of anything she had prepared for. She didn't think she was expecting him to return the sentiment – at least not anymore. Logically, she could see why he wouldn't.

But it was one thing to fall out of love…now she was left questioning whether he had ever been in it to begin with.

Bothered by her sudden doubts, Astrid tried to distract herself with needless acts. Anxious fingers wove into her fallen locks, threading back and forth until she had a poorly done plait held together only by her pinched fingertips grasping the end.

Realizing she had nothing to tie it with, she exhaled as she watched ash-streaked strands unravel yet again.

Seeing the dark smears contrasted against blonde hair brought her attention back to her stained fingertips. Wiggling the digits as she thought, Astrid looked at the pile of ash at her hip.

Could come in handy, perhaps.

Reaching over - awkwardly stretching past the dispirited Viking beside her – Astrid grasped the small satchel at his feet.

Hiccup didn't react, keeping his face downcast to the dirt as he rubbed his temple.

Swallowing in reaction to her thickening throat, Astrid tried to ignore him. She instead concentrated on her task: removing the remaining piece of jerky and opening the little bag as much as she could.

She held the satchel in one hand, using the other to carefully scoop the soot and sprinkle it into the sack. After several attempts, Astrid managed to fill the bag halfway.

Dragging her fingers once more through the thin layer of ash that remained, Astrid then wiped her blackened fingertips roughly against her skirt.

As she did everything she could to avoid thinking about the uncomfortable air between them, Hiccup could do nothing but. His eyes clenched shut; lips silently mouthing curses and insults aimed at his own stupidity.

He had barely noticed the soft scraping of Astrid's fingernails against the stone floor. He tried to shut out the sound of her uneven breaths punctuated with an occasional sniff.

But another sound – something distant – forced his full attention.

At first perfectly still, Hiccup's back grew rigid before raising his head. His eyes scanned the space as his brow raised.

Again, he heard it.

"Do you hear something?" he murmured.

Giving a final tug to the satchel's cords, Astrid frowned.

"Hiccup", she sighed, "if you want to talk about something else, then just say so."

His head shook as he rose to his feet. "No, really."

Thrown by his insistence, Astrid pursed her lips as she stilled.

He was right - she heard the sound of scraping stone.

Scrambling to stand, she looked up at Hiccup as he held his gaze in the direction of the noise. He took a small step back, lightly gripping Astrid's shoulder to pull her back with him.

The pair stared at the wall intently as the noises became louder: the friction of boots stepping over stone and strained grunts.

A hand then emerged in the open gap; grasping the largest stone and pulling it away. They could hear the sound of the rock rolling down away and crack as it hit the tunnel wall. The next stone was then extracted, and then another.

Smaller rocks crashed to the ground, rolling at the Vikings' feet and prompting them to take another half-step backwards until they were flush against the other wall.

Casting a quick glance at Astrid, Hiccup saw her quickly stoop down to grasp a split rock. As she stood she positioned a sharp, jagged edge outward as she gave a slight bend to her knees.

Following her cue, Hiccup drew his blade as well, taking a defensive stance.

Both were overcome with anticipation and apprehension - relieved at the prospect of freedom but distrusting of their savior.

As they carefully approached the widened opening, gingerly climbing over the remaining stones, they realized their caution had been prudent as they gazed at the grinning, disheveled face of Dagur the Deranged.

"Brother!" the Berserker cried gleefully as he took a stride towards the younger man, arms thrown open as if expecting an embrace.

Hiccup reared his head back in surprise, grimacing. "Dagur?"

Stepping forward to stand at Hiccup's side, Astrid grit her teeth and growled menacingly at the Berserker.

The sound attracted Dagur's attention, whose smile remained unchanged.

"And Blondie's here too? Hope I didn't interrupt anything!"

With that he cackled wildly, delivering a hard blow to Hiccup's arm. Naturally, his injured one.

"Gah!" Hiccup shouted, flexing his hand to combat the sharp pain that shot through his arm. "W-what are you-?"

Dagur's jovial expression quickly collapsed, replaced with a grave expression. "Seriously, though, stop dancing around, Hiccup", he lightly scolded. "I mean, it's funny, but we gotta go. Like, right now."

Giving his arm a shake, Hiccup frowned as he considered their unexpected rescuer. While certainly not what he had anticipated, Heather did say to expect anything.

Astrid on the other hand showed no hesitation, brandishing her makeshift weapon menacingly towards Dagur.

"We are not going anywhere with you", she sneered.

Tugging his lips back in thought, Hiccup took a small step forward while placing a soothing hand to Astrid's arm.

"...unless you give us your word that you're here to help us", he amended, holding Dagur in a firm stare.

Without lowering her arm, Astrid's head spun to stare at Hiccup in disbelief. "What?"

Dagur returned an amused smirk while meeting Hiccup's gaze, unflinching as he held up his hand in a mock salute. "Of course. Berserker's honor."

Hiccup's frown remained, seriously doubting the virtue of the crazed tribe, and especially its volatile leader. But despite his better judgment, he offered a nod in agreement.

At his side, Astrid's jaw dropped, lips parted as she stared at Hiccup.

Dagur turned to grin at the flustered blonde.

"Aww, come on, Hofferson", he teased, earning a heated glare from the younger woman. "If I wanted to kill you and your boy I'd just finish the job here! Some may like the chase", he acknowledged with an unnervingly casual shrug, "but me? I don't like to wait."

When Astrid's lip curled in disgust, the Berserker had the nerve to give a cheeky wink.

Awestruck, the woman returned her gaze to Hiccup - begging him to be reasonable. So when he simply motioned to Dagur to lead the way, she looked at him as though he'd lost his mind.

Grinning broadly, Dagur clapped his hands together. "Yes! Brothers: together again!" he cried.

While Hiccup's lip curled in response, Astrid glower only intensified on Dagur.

But the Berserker paid no mind. "And you, warrior princess," he drawled as he glanced derisively at the stone in her hand, "are gonna need a little more firepower than a rock. Don't cha think?"

With that he pulled an elongated dagger from his belt, flinging it at Astrid who reflexively caught it by the hilt.

As Hiccup blanched, only registering that the weapon had been hurled after it was safely in her grip, Astrid stared dumbfounded at the blade. She then looked back at Dagur.

"Onward!" he crowed, thrusting his own sword before beginning his march down the tunnel.

Hiccup and Astrid hesitated, but the former soon followed.

Frowning, Astrid took long strides. "You can't be serious", she breathed as she fell into step beside Hiccup, both keeping several paces behind Dagur.

"Wish I wasn't", he muttered.

Jaw set, Astrid took in the details of Hiccup's expression. "You were expecting him", she plainly stated.

The slightest twitch of Hiccup's mouth gave him away. "Not in so many words..." he replied vaguely.

Releasing a harsh exhale through her nose, Astrid shook her head in disgust. "Hiccup, we can't trust him."

Hiccup sighed. "No, we can't", he agreed. He then tilted his head towards Astrid, looking at her intently. "But I need you to trust me."

Pressing her lips together, Astrid growled under her breath as she cast another distrusting glare towards Dagur.

Hiccup dipped his head slightly to prompt her gaze. When she complied, he gave a weak smile. "Do you?"

Though her nose still scrunched in distaste, her brow softened as she held his stare. "Of course", she said without hesitation.

Hiccup returned a grateful smile that didn't meet his eyes, trying to conceal his own worry.

The party continued on in relative silence, save for Dagur whistling a jaunty tune that echoed down the narrow corridor.

Astrid's eyes narrowed at the Berserker's back. "That being said", she whispered to Hiccup as she leaned shoulder-to-shoulder, "whatever you have planned...are we going with stupid or crazy?"

With a soft snort, Hiccup gave a sheepish grin. "Can't it be both?"

She looked him up and down, mouth pulled tautly to the side. "We're all going to die", Astrid concluded flatly, shaking her head as she returned her gaze to Dagur's back.

Chuckling nervously, Hiccup used his free hand to scratch at his neck as he tried to ignore his own grim doubts. "That's the spirit."

#deceit httyd #httyd #hiccup #astrid #hiccstrid #angst #fanfic #pregstrid

[beyondsurrender]

RULES FOR STAYING PLUGGED IN THE MATRIX

1) First rule: Plugged-in humans are defined above all by externals Make sure your goals are common goals that all others share. Ensure your opinions are not your own but come from other people. This way you may avoid confusing people. By the same token, it is preferable never to say what you mean. Also, try not to mean what you say. Genuineness is considered to be threatening within polite matrix society. Therefore, a functional but rigid and unchanging façade is essential to good relations. 2) Second rule: You are what you own Plugged-in humans are collectors. The more objects you can acquire, the higher your status will become in other people's eyes. Most especially if they're useless objects. Possessions are extensions of the personality, ergo the more accessories you can gather, the larger and more complex your personality becomes. Above all, black shiny objects, such as sleek designer shades and swishy cell phones, serve to augment individual cool. It is important to remember, however, that these items are not meant to obscure the personality, but rather to replace it entirely with an effectively shallow façade. 3) Third rule: What people say and think about you is all-important The primary motivation of all matrix-aligned humans is to be liked. The more people who like you, and the more those people like you, the more important you become to them, and so to yourself. Since plugged-in humans don't like what they don't understand, it is essential to be straightforward, simple, predictable, and to avoid unusual acts or original thoughts whenever possible. Since plugged-in humans have little or no interest or concern besides themselves, it is important also never to infringe overly on such a person's 'space'. In conversation, avoid eye contact that lasts for more than a moment. Any direct or personal questions should be kept to a minimum, and generally reserved for extreme circumstances, i.e., when it would be impolite not to ask them. Listening is not mandatory. Plugged-in humans do not as a general rule listen, but rather await their turn to speak. Therefore it is only polite to do the same, and to refrain whenever possible from paying too close attention to the other person's feelings or needs, since this will only make them self-conscious. 4) Fourth rule: Extreme emotions should be repressed Plugged-in people, since their primary concern is to be liked, endeavour to maintain an appearance of mildness, consideration, and civility at all times. Any acts or words that might cause offence must be scrupulously avoided. Plugged-in people are easily offended, for they are extremely sensitive to their own feelings; in fact, this is all they think about. Hence, one must maintain a healthy façade of politeness at all times, until, that is, one's own feelings have in some way been affronted. Under such conditions, direct confrontation is to be avoided whenever possible since this would entail emotional engagement with the other, and as such cause discomfort to both parties. Anger should be repressed and rechannelled into more subtle, covert, and petty acts, so that the offending party may never become fully aware of having offended; instead he or she will dimly sense that something is amiss in the relationship, and so be tormented by guilt and uncertainty. Plugged-in people rarely allow themselves to experience strong emotions, such as rage or grief, and if they do, they invariably ensure that its expression is indirect and convenient, for example, with complete strangers or in wildly inappropriate circumstances. This way they can emote without revealing anything or in any way compromising themselves. Indignation, resentment, bitterness, arrogance, self-pity, contempt, and a thinly veiled hostility are the preferred emotional responses of plugged-in people, and the marks of true character within the social matrix. 5) Fifth rule: Plugged-in people always compare themselves to others Every individual is special and unique, and as such, more important than everyone else. It is the single agenda of every separate entity to aggrandize itself in any way possible. The means of this self-aggrandizement centre around comparing oneself to others, to one's advantage wherever possible. The more one can belittle others and make them feel inferior, the more superior one may thereby become in their eyes, and hence in one's own. The matrix social arena is based on the interplay of egos, all of which are vying for power over all others. For matrix-aligned humans, all self-esteem revolves around external accomplishment, acquisitions, and the accolades of one's fellow humans. Existence is by nature competitive. All power, as such, depends upon control and mastery, not over the self but over others. The more power one can steal from others, the more one has for oneself. Conversely, the more empowered others become in relation to oneself, the less power one has over them. This is because egos define themselves through comparison with others and through external factors rather than through any inner sense of value or worth. The ego competes with other egos, knowing that only the best ego will win, and that winner takes all. As such, the plugged-in human is by nature set against all other humans in a fight for survival, not of the physical but of the ego. Therefore, innate but carefully concealed hostility is the most constant modality of humans functioning within the social matrix. 6) Sixth rule: Within the matrix, fame is the Holy Grail of all personal aspiration The ultimate goal of plugged-in people is threefold: success, wealth, and fame. The rationale behind these goals is single, however. Together they reap the maximum amount of power over other humans. By placing oneself in the highest regard of the greatest number of people, one thereby steals the optimum amount of power from them. Fame is the ultimate goal of all plugged-in people (even if only a handful ever attain it), since it presupposes the other two. Fame ensures both wealth and success but takes things to the next level, that of true power. By achieving the adoration and envy of the world simply by being wealthy and successful, one is secure in the knowledge of one's superiority: millions of people adore one, and yet are secretly despised for it. Hence one's power over them is complete, and the ego becomes, at long last, supreme, the god of its own world. For most plugged-in humans, however, this is something that can only ever be enjoyed vicariously. 7) Seventh rule: Plugged-in humans need someone to worship and someone to debase In order for the collective's envy of a given, privileged individual not to spoil the pleasure they get from adoring him, it is important to foster and maintain the delusion that, some day, they will attain similar or even greater glory themselves. The nature of the plugged-in human is to worship what he reviles and revile what he worships. For at base of all his acts is a sense of self-loathing and unworthiness. Plugged-in humans look up to those humans whom they feel inferior to, and take gratification from this act of worship. On the other hand, they look down upon those humans whom they perceive as inferior to them, and likewise find fulfilment in this act of debasement. And all the while they take pride in their belief that 'all men are created equal'. - from "MATRIX WARRIOR - Being the One" by Jake Horsley

#matrix #jake horsley #matrixwarrior

[bananafishmetas]

Ash and how his intelligence relates to his pain

I talked about this in another post I just wrote about Ash’s overall sense of guilt and how that played a role in his ultimate demise, but thought it would be interesting to focus on this particular point I made, which is that, while Ash’s incredible intelligence served in helping him to survive for as long as he did, and to even cope, to some extent, with the severe sexual trauma he endured, able to understand and reason out that the abuse he suffered wasn’t, in fact, his fault, I think his intelligence is also what ultimately made Ash unable to get over the guilt and pain he felt over the lives he had to take in order to survive.

I made this point, that highly intelligent people like Ash are very often deeply sensitive too.  They feel things at a deeper level than less intelligent people because they see more deeply, they understand more clearly.  People with high intelligence are also more prone to depression.  More prone to despair, and we see Ash struggle with these things throughout the story.  There’s a deep sadness and a deep loneliness to Ash,

An important thing to note from early on in the story is when Dino mentions to Ash how he used to cry over every job Dino made him do, and we see Ash express anger and repulsion over how dismissively Dino regards human life and the act of killing.  Ash is keenly aware of the consequences of taking another human life, of what it actually means, and the pain he feels with each act of it stays with and continues to haunt him.  We never see the other characters in the story who have also killed, like Shorter, Cain, Sing, or the various members of any of their gangs, etc… struggle with anywhere near the crippling sense of guilt and self-loathing that Ash does over their own actions.  While there’s probably some sense of remorse on their part, having killed doesn’t bother them to nearly the same degree, doesn’t weigh them down with nearly the same level of consuming self-loathing, that it does Ash.  All of them, ultimately, are able to forgive themselves and move on, eventually going on to start relatively normal, happy, healthy lives.  None of these people are nearly as intelligent as Ash, of course.  

I pointed out before how ironic it is, then, that Ash has convinced himself that he doesn’t feel anything, that he’s this emotionless monster, because the truth is the exact opposite of this.  Ash feels TOO MUCH.  He feels more than all of them.  We see other characters, like Eiji, of course, and Cain, try to help Ash, telling him to not give himself such a hard time, to forgive himself, to explain to him that he was justified in the lives he took.  But Ash is never able to accept it.  He isn’t ever able to believe it.  He can’t unburden himself from his sense of guilt and grief and the trauma of his past because he cares too much, and I think that caring relates directly back to Ash’s intelligence.  Because he grasps at a deeper, more fundamental and innate level than a normal person would be capable of the true weight and meaning of a life lost.  He FEELS that loss in a keener, more pronounced way than other people, because his greater intelligence makes him more aware of the impact that loss has, the other lives it affects, the potential and possibilities it snuffs out, the reverberations of it’s reality upon the world around it.  It never remains for him an action only of the present, but an action which lives on and on forever in its implications and consequences.

This kind of overwhelming sensitivity links directly to Ash’s goodness of heart.  He can’t NOT care because he understands and sees too much not to.  Ironically, he values human life more than a normal person would, because he understands better what makes it valuable. One of the deep tragedies of Ash’s character is that this sensitive, caring nature, born of his intelligence, is innate to him, and he found himself, through no fault of his own, thrust into a world of cruel and merciless violence, one in which he had to take the very life he so profoundly understood the true value of in order to keep his own.

I also think Ash’s exceptional intelligence is directly linked to the deep sense of isolation and loneliness he feels.  Being as intelligent as Ash is automatically puts a divide between him and everyone else.  There’s maybe five or six other people on the entire planet who have an IQ as high as his, making Ash, in a very tangible and unavoidable way, unrelatable and fundamentally different from all of the people around him.  They sense Ash’s extreme intelligence, and it serves to intimidate and unnerve them.  They begin to treat him as separate and other, not like them.  We see this play out in the way his own gang members regard him.  They’re fond of and care about him, they respect him, and trust him, but they’re also afraid of him, and don’t ever just really hang out with him.  They never treat him like he’s just a kid, even though, actually, he is.  They never consider that Ash might want to be goofy, or silly, or have fun, like any boy his age would.  They only interact with Ash to take orders from him.  The impact this sense of remove has on Ash is undoubtedly profound.  It leaves him feeling friendless and alone, even as he’s surrounded by people who look up to and admire him.  It leaves him feeling like he can’t just shoot the breeze with or have fun with or relax with anyone.  Nobody is his “friend”, because they don’t treat him like a friend.  They treat him as their boss.  As the one most capable of protecting them.  They place on Ash the same weight of expectation that a child would place on a parent.  

Exacerbating all of this too is that none of them have experienced the same or even similar traumas to what he has.  He can’t talk to them about the kinds of things he’s been through, he can’t share that pain or unburden himself to them about it, because they would never understand in the first place, either what it meant or what it made him feel.  This inability on their part to understand how he feels applies also to what taking another life means to him, and how, again, his intelligence fundamentally alters how he absorbs the trauma of that compared to how they do.  They don’t feel the act of it in the same way he does, so they can’t understand why he reacts to it the way he does, and so he can’t talk to them about it, in the same way he can’t talk to them about the sexual abuse he’s been subjected to.   And because they don’t really perceive him as a normal person, or even really a person at all.  They see no weakness or vulnerability in Ash.  They see no reason for why he would ever need help.  Even as, in reality, he’s so deeply hurt and suffering, and needs help the most of all.  

It comes full circle, then, to his intelligence, and how it contributes to him feeling and caring so much, exacerbating his suffering and yet, again ironically, serving to cut him off from others, forcing him to bear the burden of that pain alone.

#Banana Fish #Ash Lynx #Meta

[morethanjustmediocremusings]

Matthew Hopkins: Witchfinder General

HIST 306-01

Taylor Abouzeid

California Polytechnic State University, San Luis Obispo

Matthew Hopkins was born in Wenham, Suffolk, England, and although the year of his birth remains unknown, he passed away in 1647, leading many to believe his birth to be in the 1620s (Barstow, 1994). This period of Europe is widely regarded as a time of unrest, with the decay of political systems in East Anglia and the digression of regional power, Matthew Hopkins came into a world primed for social and political upheaval.  His hunts became so great in large part due to the lack of central control at the time. During the English civil war, the country experienced an extreme lack of political supervision (Notestein, 1911). It was this lack of central authority that allowed Hopkins to run rampant without permission. Matthew Hopkins, with the cumulative help of geographic rivalries, political unrest, and societal disaster, went on to become the deadliest witch hunter of his time.

           In order to understand the scope of Hopkins’ reign, it is first important to recognize his early years. His father was deeply influential in his upbringing. James Hopkins was a powerful clergyman in Suffolk and enforced a strictly Puritan household and value system in his son. This perspective lasted with Hopkins throughout his life; many relics have gone on to state he truly believed that he was doing God’s work by ridding the world of evil (evil in this case referring to witches) (O’Brian, 2016). Hopkins later went on to write his Witchfinders Guide, which directed readers, step-by-step, on a successful witch hunt. Due to the aforementioned lack of documentation of Hopkins’ early life his timeline legally starts in 1644.

           Hopkins’ first hunt was that of the witch Elizabeth Clark. Clark had been accused by a local townsman and under court authority John Stearn had been given legal documentation allowing the hunt (Holt, 2015). The young Hopkins had been lurking in the back of the room, and after Stearn received the deed, Hopkins approached feverishly, requesting to join the hunt (Hopkins, 1647). This deed served as a legal grant that permitted the hunting of witches in the territory of Essex. Contrary to many other hunts, the case of Elizabeth Clark did not permit lawful torture. This document allowed all means necessary to get a confession, up to the limit of torture (O’Brian, 2016). Hopkins and Stearn used this harsh line to find loopholes in the limits, opting for sleep deprivation, which at the time was not classified as a form of torture.

           Elizabeth Clark would be the first of many witches to have their fate sealed by Hopkins. As a character she fit the physical stereotype of a witch. Clark was old and described to be hunched at the back. She was widowed, and therefore without male protection, she was helpless under the law. She was physically disabled with only one leg, which caused her to struggle with even minor movements. And was commonly described by the townspeople to have a sharp tongue (Holt, 2015). In the time of Hopkins there was no greater formula to describe a suspected witch, than that of Elizabeth Clark. Clark was subjected to days of sleep deprivation, as the old woman would begin to doze, those in coordination with Stearn and Hopkins would wake her and demand confession (Holt, 2015). She, like so many others, eventually gave in to their persistence to the point of confession, and following the pattern of typical hunt expansion, she named the names of other witches within the area. Clark was arrested, and Hopkins had successfully completed his first hunt.

           Hopkins and Stearn were a great duo and the pair went on to find all the other witches Elizabeth Clark had named, many of whom went on to Colchester castle. Prisons during the 1600s were a rare concept. Colchester castle however, was the exception. It served as housing for may accused withes as they awaited their sentencing and was ran by ruthless guards (Holt, 2015). Accompanying these accused witches was vicious prisoners from the aforementioned English Civil War (Colchester & Ipswich, 2020). The cold, stone building was unforgiving and provided its inmates with the worst imaginable quality of life (Colchester & Ipswich, 2020). Colchester was inhabitable by its time of use in the trials; the premise was in ruin, the treatment of those held there was inhumane and the overall life within it was walls was fit only for those accused of the most horrendous crime: witchcraft (Levack, 2015)

Stearn and Hopkins were undoubtedly the greatest threat to witches in East Anglia. In their first trial, the Chelmsford witch trials, they left with fifteen convictions-including that of Elizabeth Clark. This was also historically claimed to be the first trial to include a witch’s confession as evidence (Holt, 2015). At the time of Hopkins and Stearn the Chelmsford witch trials were the largest conviction in English history up to that point (Levack, 2015).

           After his first large success Matthew Hopkins therefore dubbed himself the “Witchfinder General.” It was at this time that Hopkins began to physically embody his new persona. Images of Hopkins consistently portrayed him in the garments of a magistrate, believed to have been his personal attempt to command the attention of those around him (Holt, 2015). Our self-proclaimed witchfinder general dressed to the nines in order to appear authoritative, an ironic nod to the lack of any real authority held in his name.

           After the Chelmsford trials the “finding” aspect of “Witchfinder” diminished greatly. Witches were often accused prior to Hopkins arrival, so our great general never actually had to find a witch (Barstow, 1994). Hunts always started with a fellow townsperson accusing another, so by the time he came riding into town with witches were nearly served on a silver platter for Hopkins to do his services. Contrary to his title, the main purpose of this self-imposed position was the capture of a witch’s confession.

           Another outstanding case under the gaze of Hopkins was that of Reverend Lowes. Discovered through an advertisement in a pamphlet accusing a man of witchcraft, Hopkins set his sights on the voyage from Essex to Suffolk. Hopkins saw an opportunity in Suffolk, and reached out to the locals offering his expertise in the area. Due to the geographical limits of his deed to persecute witches under the law, this trip to Suffolk placed Hopkins outside his authoritative boundaries (Holt, 2015). This newfound lack of legal power however, did not stop the Witchfinder General from continuing the hunt of the ordained clergyman. Once in Suffolk, Hopkins marched his way up the chain of command and became the main persecutor of the hunt. Hopkins sentenced the reverend to be “walked”: a form of interrogation designed to physically and mentally tear down the receiver by forced pacing, non-stop, over the period of days. After weeks of attempts, the reverend’s hunt was seen as a failure, for without a confession the trial could not go on (Holt, 2015).

           Matthew Hopkins, prior to the Lowes case, has a shiny new successful reputation as a witch hunter, but with this failure on his record the Witchfinder General’s reputation would be tarnished. Hopkins refused to leave the hunt without a confession, so he turned to means outside of the law: the swimming of the witch. This “swimming” of a witch was seen as illegal torture under the law, but Hopkins was never persecuted for this particular crime (Levack, 2015). When faced with this water-bound torture there was no chance of survival. If you were innocent of the accused witchcraft, your body would sink and you would drown. Reversed, if you were guilty of witchcraft, your body would float and you would be killed later on (Notestein, 1911). Hopkins and his crew of helpers ready to strike, threw the old man into freeing waters repeatedly, and eventually Lowes came to a confession. He never confessed to having contact with the Devil, but he did admit guilt under the crime of witchcraft (Holt, 2015).

           Finally, on trial, Lowes was accompanied by ninety other accused witched from Hopkins. Their crimes were confirmed, and they were sent to the gallows. Without regard for his lack of legal authority, Hopkins continued to accuse witches outside the warrant’s physical boundaries. This continued for years, and not once was his jurisdiction questioned in relation to Hopkins’ authority (Hopkins, 1647).

           Hopkins’ hunts were notoriously successful. In July of 1646 he persecuted twenty witches in the territory of Norwich. That same September in Yarmouth he claimed eleven more witches to the gallows. This tradition of large hunts continued in the areas of Yoxford, Westlwton and Great Glenham (Holt, 2015). These large benders ultimate spanned an area of over 300 miles.

           With his great success came great profits, for every head he sent to the gallows, Hopkins received a fee. Although he did not come from a position of despair (his family was relatively well off), this much money could go to anybody’s head. Legally Hopkins was named to have oversaw hundreds of trials, receive payment for each one (O’Brian, 2016). He was most commonly paid in one-time instances where his duties were labeled as interrogation and as preforming as a witness before the court. Occasionally Hopkins was paid on a regular basis for his services, but the description of his work there was never explicitly noted (Holt, 2015). Through this strategic payment plan Hopkins was able to turn God’s work into a well-paying business.

           Hopkins’ reign came to an abrupt end in the 1640s. As word began to spread about his hefty wages Hopkins became blacklisted in certain territories, with many denying the use of his services (Holt, 2015). The towns people would collectively reject the high price of his trials and began to retaliate against Hopkins. In 1647 Hopkins succumbed to an illness many have equated to tuberculosis. His death was rather sudden and sparked a sub-genre of lore under his name (Barstow, 1994).

           Matthew Hopkins was raised under the intentionality of serving the Lord. Realizing the potential monetary profits of this work, Hopkins quickly became the world first, and only, Witchfinder General. Alleged to have sent over four hundred witches to their deaths, he was the strongest and deadliest force against the accused. With the correct political, economic and social climates, Matthew Hopkins- Witchfinder General- was the ideal for all witch hunters alike.

   Bibliography (APA)

Barstow, A. L. (1994). Controlling women’s bodies. In Witchcraze: A new history of the european witch hunts. New York, NY: Harper Collins.

Colchester & Ipswich Museums. (2020). History of the castle. Retrieved from https://colchester.cimuseums.org.uk/visit/colchester-castle/history/

Holt, C (Director). (2015). Witches: A century of murder [TV Series]. United Kingdom: BBC. 

Hopkins, M. (1647). The Discovery of Witches. Norfolk: Matthew Hopkins, Witch-finder.

Levack, B. P. (2015). Cotton mather: The apocalypse and witchcraft. In The witchcraft sourcebook (2nd ed.). London: Routledge.

Notestein, W. (1911). A history of witchcraft in England from 1558 to 1718. WA: The American Historical Association.

O'Brien, S. (2016). The discovery of witches: Matthew Hopkins's defense of his witch-hunting Methods. Preternature: Critical and Historical Studies on the Preternatural, 5(1), 29-58. doi:10.5325/preternature.5.1.0029

[thetruthseekerway]

Islam and the Secular Age: Between Certainty and Uncertainty

New Post has been published on https://www.truth-seeker.info/oasis-of-faith/islam-and-the-secular-age-between-certainty-and-uncertainty/

Islam and the Secular Age: Between Certainty and Uncertainty

By Khalil Abdurrashid

Islam and the Secular Age: Between Certainty and Uncertainty

Modernity was birthed in violence. It produced the nation-state, nationalism and with it a myriad of other “isms” which serve as new idols or heroes competing for people’s allegiances. Liberalism, feminism, Marxism, individualism, atheism, agnosticism, extremism, communism, capitalism, socialism, fascism, totalitarianism, racism – all competing ideologies which attempt to answer the question of what does it mean to be human and accordingly how should we live.

The quest for human fulfillment is expressed partly in these competing “isms” which themselves are the results of schisms that were produced when the old world, also termed the pre-modern world, was replaced with the new, modern world. In the West, the search for the answer of what it means to be human began in the mid-17th century with the re-formulation of the Greco-Christian understanding of the human being, the soul, the world, and God. George Makari articulates the context quite eloquently and is worth quoting at length:

Later when ancient Greek thought merged with the Christianity of the Church Fathers, a soul-based view of human nature became one of the ruling conceptions of Western belief. In Christendom, the soul was the “knot of the universe,” the unifying link between nature, man, and God, and the single most prized human attribute. By the mid-17th century, however, these same beliefs were seen as a rich source of corruption, unceasing strife, terrorism, and cruelty of vast dimensions. For decades, Christian sects waged war with each other over competing claims regarding the soul and its salvation…While the soul and the psyche were once understood to be synonymous, some thinkers now advanced a radical idea.

What if the mind was not so much spirit as it was bodily? What if thinking matter existed within human flesh. An object, this mind would still somehow house human subjectivity. Endowed by God, it still would be material, and therefore sicken and die…Once modernity gave birth to the theory of an embodied mind, the implications were grave. If it wasn’t the soul but rather a fallible mind that made men and women think, choose, and act as they did, then long-standing beliefs were erroneous. Convictions regarding truth and illusion, innocence and guilt, health and illness, the rulers and the ruled and the roles of the individual in society would need to change.[1]

The last sentence is where I want to begin because the Enlightenment’s embodied mind theory not only led to the jettisoning of the soul and the rest of the transcendent world, but also a loss of convictions about truth and everything else. A climate of doubt and uncertainty prevailed and as a result humanity entered into a new era called the Secular Age. Secularism was therefore the first product of modernity and the Enlightenment.

Understanding the Secular Age

If we carefully understand what the Secular Age is, then I believe we take one step closer to understanding exactly how it is that, although our Muslim predecessors before modernity possessed less knowledge about the material universe and resources than us, they had more conviction about their faith and deen, which enabled them to establish and leave a legacy of a profound civilization; and why, despite our currently having more knowledge and resources, we are plagued with less conviction about ourselves and our faith, and therefore contribute less to our communities and to civilization as a whole.

Most people understand secularity to mean different things. In Europe, the word “secular” indicates state control of religion and religious institutions. In the US, however, secularity indicates merely the separation of church and state. But this does not help us in comprehending what secularity exactly is. When we state that we live in a secular age or a secular time, what does that mean? It’s helpful to consult Charles Taylor for a penetrating answer to this question. He indicates three components that comprise the secular age we live in. The first is that our public spaces have become stripped of any and all references to an ultimate or transcendent reality. This has produced devastating consequences for Muslims in particular and people of faith in general.

In pre-modern societies, Muslim civilizations contained public spaces where seeking fulfillment beyond immediate human gratification was normal; where living meant being immersed in social, economic, political, and intellectual conditions that were conducive to a moral and spiritual life, and not simply theories that were subject to yearly and quarterly revisions. In those societies, people were actively and constantly engaged in the reinforcement of certainty in a moral and spiritual worldview that was externalized into various concrete manifestations such as art, architecture, clothes, motifs, literature, poetry, and even to a certain extent, music. Living with an active reference to God and the transcendent realm existed as a framework or a condition for living for which there was no real alternative. Secularity has evicted God and any reference to Him or any ultimate reality for that matter, from all public spaces. As Taylor points out,

whereas the political organization of all pre-modern societies was in some way connected to, based on, guaranteed based on some faith in, or adherence to God, or some notion of ultimate reality, the modern Western state is free from this connection…Or taken from another side, as we function within various spheres of activity – economic, political, cultural, educational, professional, recreational – the norms and principles we follow, the deliberations we engage in, generally don’t refer us to God or to any religious beliefs; the considerations we act on are internal to the “rationality” of each sphere – maximum gain within the economy, the greatest benefit to the greatest number in the political arena, and so on.[2]

Spaces and even time become stripped of the sacredness that for millennia had functioned as a reminder of the life to come. Because of this, the Secular Age is one in which humanity no longer searches for fulfillment outside of this world or beyond the human condition. Humanism itself is the locus of the search for meaning and goals. All drive and pleasures are reduced to the Quranic concept of the self and its whims, the nafs and the hawa.

The second component of secularity is an overall decline in belief in God and in religious practice among believers themselves. This phenomenon is a consequence of the first component. Belief itself has become subject to scrutiny in the “rational” sense and as a result it becomes juxtaposed with disbelief not only in theory but in practice. This does not mean that there were no disbelievers in pre-modern Muslim societies. It means simply that disbelief in Muslim societies in the past was not normalized at all. I am using disbelief here to indicate not diversity in faith, but the rejection of the notion of God or a transcendent, ultimate reality. Even in Western Europe, there was no conception of atheism until the 17th century. It was inconceivable in pre-modern Europe that someone would not believe in God. In the Secular Age, belief and disbelief in God not only is equally conceivable but equally acceptable.

The mass acceptability in society of unbelief and of uncertainty of belief is normalized now. The Secular Age produces so many viable options for what it means to be human that Muslims themselves have accepted the multiplicity of options rather than questioning the options. Our engagement in a multiplicity of manners of thinking and being have pulled us into doubt. There are so many alternatives that certainty (yaqeen) in belief is no longer a given. We doubt certainty even exists because the majority of people are uncertain and appear perfectly happy living in conditions of doubt. Enter component three of the secular age: new conditions of belief.

This final ingredient is the presence of this doubt coming home to roost. Secularity involves living under conditions where doubt is the norm, and because it is normalized it becomes acceptable and okay. As Muslims, since the migration of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) from Mecca to Medina to just after World War I, we have always been a people who have lived in a society where belief in God was never seriously challenged. Now, there are few places on earth where that is the case. Faith in a higher power has simply become one of many possibilities. This phenomenon has been called the Nova Effect.[3] Because the Secular Age has ushered in the equalization of the polar opposites of orthodoxy and disbelief, a multiplicity of other options have emerged to fill in the gap.

I like to illustrate this with the analogy of going to the grocery store to buy cereal. In the past, there were simply two to three options of cereal. Today, in all grocery stores, there are so many options for cereal that all stores now have entire aisles for cereals. When you walk down the aisle and examine the options, the presence of literally dozens (and hundreds if you add the family sizes and small packs) of options is enough to either keep you dazed and confused for minutes on end, or to turn you off to the point where you walk away.

Our predecessors would be horrified to find that the Secular Age has complicated things that used to be insignificant such as what to eat for breakfast. Insignificant matters have become so complicated that we are conditioned to reject simple submission to and acceptance of divine authority. The Nova Effect pushes us to explore new things based on the myriad of alternatives before us and thus the level of certainty behind the correctness of our choices is reduced.

The Quest for Certainty in what it Means to be Human

So what does all of this mean for the condition of Muslims living in a Secular Age? First, it means that we live without constant societal reminders of, or references to, God. Second, we live under social conditions where belief and unbelief are considered equal rivals, and this affects not only us, but the next generation. Third, the Nova Effect means that more and more options for alternative lifestyles that claim to provide a fulfilling life for the human being become available. The answer to what it means to be human and how to live accordingly become “all or any of the above” instead of merely “option a, b, or c.” We as Muslims live under different conditions from our predecessors. The difference between pre-modernity and modernity involves differences in not only the questions we ask but how and under what conditions they are asked. We ask moral questions just as our predecessors did, but the kinds of moral questions we ask are different because of the conditions that give rise to the questions push us to cast doubt on the answer even before that answer is produced.

Yet there is a solution to this apparent malaise. The solution is to ignore the options and search for certainty itself. In the first revelation of the Quran, we are informed of the paradigmatic state of the human being as one who learns – a prerequisite to exiting doubt. The Quran says, “He taught man that which he did not know.”[4] The Prophet peace and blessings be upon him said, “Leave that which makes you doubt, for that which does not make you doubt.”[5] Doubt, termed shakk in Arabic, is a stage that is two steps away from certainty in Islam. When one leaves doubt, one then enters into the stage of belief (zann). This is a thorny area because belief may or may not be properly justified. As belief increases in intensity it becomes conviction (ghalabat zann). Conviction is mathematically described by some scholars as being between 75-98% sure about the validity of one’s belief. When one reaches 99%, certainty (yaqeen) is achieved.

Reference to certainty appears in three different ways in the Quran. The first is certainty based upon knowledge and learning. This is termed in the Quran, ilm al-yaqeen.[6] Learning involves accurate conceptualization of and proper judgment about a thing. In order to accomplish this, we need to ensure that we understand and define the relevant constructs properly, a feature that is normally the central facet in any course on Aristotelian logic. The ability to properly conceptualize concepts leads to our ability to precisely define terminology, and this in turn enhances our ability to speak and formulate propositions and thereby reason correctly. This is central to knowing and understanding. We live in an era now in which the Nova Effect has produced so much uncertainty and doubt to the point where many no longer understand and reason. Essentially, we have become a society that no longer “knows” anymore. The Secular Age has conditioned us to think differently. Consequently, achieving certainty becomes a tall order of business.

The second form of certainty is based upon observation and is called in the Quran, ayn al-yaqeen.[7] This level of certainty arises from a high degree of conviction that emerges from witnessing a phenomenon. The overwhelming majority of sensory input is visual. Witnessing phenomena facilitates conviction in their validity or reality. However, if the environment and phenomena that we witness on a daily basis, such as architectural structures, social media, and even art are bereft of sacred references then we reduce ourselves to a certainty in only material phenomena. Furthermore, the problem is that the understanding of reality is actually undermined because in the Secular Age we have now become so skeptical that we scrutinize even our witnessing of things to such an extent that we lose any conviction about having witnessed something in the first place. Therefore, nothing but doubt remains and reigns. This goes back to the damage done by the Secular Age in taking references to God and the transcendent realm out of public spaces. It de-facilitates certainty based upon witnessing spectacular events.

The third form of certainty in Quranic terms is haqq ul-yaqeen.[8] This refers to certainty that arises as a result of personal experience. Our experiences have drastically shifted from those of our predecessors. The Secular Age has altered our reliance on spiritual and in many cases interpersonal and natural experiences. We go to see a horror movie to get scared because we crave the artificiality of a horror film. But people who believe in possession and Jinn don’t need to watch movies about paranormal activity. We struggle and even travel to obtain the simplest experiences that were daily phenomena for our pre-modern predecessors. We are cut off and detached from spiritual experiences and have traded them for rationalized routine. What’s worse is that we have accepted this condition of affairs of depriving ourselves from experiencing what is beyond this temporal life. We are content in living life to the fullest extent materially but not experiencing its spiritual depths. The Secular Age is an age in which self-sufficient humanism, defined by frequently shifting standards, is enough. This means that there has actually been a shift in the object of experience. The Secular Age no longer wants people to engage in spiritual, transcendental, profoundly intellectual experiences. The object of experience now is the human person herself. It’s a radicalized version of individualism. Not only am I concerned with me, but only the trinity of me, myself and I alone can suffice me. It is the ultimate inversion of the Islamic eschatological system: I reward myself and I punish myself. Life is essentially about me ascending into higher degrees of pleasing myself and finding comfort in myself – nothing outside of me matters anymore. Self-sufficing humanism not only is an option in the Secular Age, but it is a widely available and arguably the dominant option. Any goal or objective beyond human flourishing becomes very difficult to conceptualize. This shifts the goal away from certainty to something entirely uncertain, for the self is prone to instability.

We are now living in an age where these three forms of Quranic certainty have been eroded and this begs the following questions: How can we reclaim certainty and its forms, as articulated in the Quran, in the Secular Age? What are the possibilities and impossibilities of certain kinds of experiences in the Secular Age?

Islam and the Bulwarks of Certainty

Certainty is mentioned twenty-seven times in the Quran. The Prophet Muhammad peace and blessings be upon him, and by extension his followers, are urged in the Quran to “worship your Lord until what is certain (al-yaqeen) comes to you.”[9]What is certain, in this verse, indicates two things, according to scholars of Quranic exegesis.[10] The first indication is death.[11] Death is the ultimate answer for what it means to be human. For no matter what we build and what we do, we must all deal with death in general and individually we will all pass away. Therefore, the initial meaning is to be consistent believers and hold on steadfast to your principles, your practices and your convictions throughout your encounters with the deaths of others and until we ourselves pass away.

The second indication in the verse is certainty itself.[12] This means that the role of constant ritual worship (ibada) in Islam on a daily basis is to facilitate and reinforce certainty in all its forms. First, we must learn how to perform ritual worship, what validates it, what invalidates it, how we may improve upon the quality of our ritual performances, and the like. We must also learn about Who it is we are worshipping and why; what exactly it is that differentiates God from the world, and what the last revelation has to say about all of this. This facilitates certainty at one level. Then we must practice what we learn and witness others practice as well. This will bring about our witnessing a level of our own conviction and that of others that will inspire us as well, thereby facilitating certainty in witnessing spectacular events.

Conclusion

The Secular Age has shifted the focus from the afterlife to this present life. Al-Attas analyzes this shift very nicely, as he explains,

The term secular, from the Latin saeculum, conveys a meaning with a marked dual connotation of time and location; the time referring to the “now” or “present” sense of it, and the location to the “world” or “worldly” sense of it. Thus saeculum means “this age” or “the present time,” and this age or the present time refers to events in this world and it also then means “contemporary events.” Secularization is defined as the deliverance of man first from religious and then from metaphysical control over his reason and his language. Secularization encompasses not only the political and social aspects of life, but also inevitably the cultural, for it denotes the disappearance of religious determination of the symbols of cultural configuration.[13]

This last sentence is important for us to reflect on. The effect of secularism being cultural means that it affects change in values that are constructs that define good and evil; that it affects identity and symbols; and that language itself is affected as well as our understanding of gender roles and now even of gender. Yet in addition to all of these, what is most serious is that consciousness itself is affected. American Muslims have a different notion from our predecessors of what it means to be Muslim. All of this is rooted in the fact that there has been a dramatic shift causing a change in the conditions of belief. Public spaces, a decline in belief and practice, and new conditions governing belief have contributed to our inward turn to humanism in order to navigate the numerous choices that currently exist which have slowly eroded our sense of confidence in faith and religion to determine our values for us.

The principles by which we determine what to believe or do must in the end, so it is often held, be principles of our own making. Once the Enlightenment has undergone the notion that they are imposed on us by a higher-being, and the Scientific Revolution shown that they cannot be read off the fabric of the world, which is now seen to be normatively mute and devoid of directives, the conclusion appears inescapable that we alone must be their sources. The authority of any principle of thought and action is an authority we bestow upon it ourselves.[14] Because we rely on ourselves, we doubt more and certainty becomes more distant.

Certainty is achieved through knowledge acquired from learning, not through sound bites, gossip, and rhetoric. Certainty is enhanced by proper religious practice, not from an idiosyncratic posture of disengaged-inclusion. Certainty reaches its zenith with truly profound, reflective, transcendental experiences, not episodic encounters with others on social media and productions of fiction. These forms of certainty and the pursuit of certainty itself must endure, until our certainty meets what is ultimately certain about our existence – its end.

  Footnotes:

[1] Makari, George, Soul Machine: The Invention of the Modern Mind, New York, W.W. Norton & Company, 2015, pg. xii-xiii.

[2] Taylor, Charles, A Secular Age, Cambridge, Harvard University Press, 2007, pg. 1-2.

[3] Ibid, pg. 302.

[4] Quran 96:5.

[5] Nawawi, The Complete 40 Hadith, London, 1998, Hadith 11.

[6] Quran 102:5.

[7] Quran 102:.7

[8] Quran 56:95

[9] Quran 15:99

[10] See the two views in Tafsir al-Tabari and al-Bahr al-Madid (Ibn Ajiba).

[11] Ibn Jarir al-Tabari, Al-Jami al-Bayan fi Ta’weel al-Quran, Beirut, Dar al-Kutub al-Ilmiyyah, vol. 7, 1971, pg. 554.

[12] Ibn Ajiba, Al-Bahr al-Madid, Beirut, Dar al-Kutub al-Ilmiyyah, 2005, vol. 3, pg. 414.

[13] Al-Attas, Syed Muhammad Naquib, Islam and Secularism, IBFIM, Kuala Lumpur, 2014, pg.17.

[14] Larmore, Charles, The Autonomy of Morality, Cambridge University Press, New York, 2008, pg. 1

——–

Adapted with editorial modifications from www.yaqeeninstitute.org.

#Allah #certainty #Faith #Featured #God #Islam and the Secular Age: Between Certainty and Uncertainty #secularism #uncertainty

[lovemeherstuff]

The World Wide Women’s March of January 21, 2017

The day after Donald Trump was inaugarated President of the United States on Jan. 20, 2017, women (and men) all over the world protested his low consciousness views of women in the Womens Worldwide March.. This remarkable, powerful response to the inaugaration was, in my opinion, one of the key events of our era! As a result I am analzyzing the chart of the event to get a better understanding of its meaning. I am using Washington, DC as the birthplace, where the March began at 10 AM, less than 24 hours after Trump had been  inaugarated in the same city!!

 I am also using numerology in my analysis of the chart. The life path number of the March is a 5 which is the most dynamic and energetic of all the numbers (Numerology.com) This dynamic energy is most focused on CHANGE - one of the core meanings of WWM. According to Numerology.com this is a daring feminine energy, nothing submissive or demure about her.Other characteristics include independence, charisma, adaptability, and a sense of humor (editor’s note: this is important!).

                                              The Birthchart

As in the numerology analysis, the birthchart has the same theme of CHANGE -- dramatically represented by the sun in aquarius in the 11th house and uranus in aries in the first house (a bucket handle). Both aquarius and uranus represent change (and revolution) - especially change that comes like a lightning bolt and represents new, progressive consciousness that breaks the rules of the status quo.

 The sun in revolutionary aquarius truly fits this remarkable event which occurred spontaneously in reaction to Trumps election. Aquarius represents a progressive, group consciousness that is humanitarian in nature and wants to break the rules which have long bound our society. Patriarchal rules of domination and lack of compassion for women are were addressed in the Womens March. Many men also attended the March all over the world as they too identify with the emerging feminine consciousness. The “feminine” then is not unique to women, but represents receptivity, compassion, sensitivity and intuition for everyone.

 The 11th house is a good fit for aquarius as it is similar in nature to that sign. Like aquarius, it represents individuals or groups finding their own unique destiny in contrast to the traditional but restrictive norms of the times. In this case, it further supports the group consciousness of women (and men) coming together to support their progressive feminine views and support of women. 

.The EXPLAMATION POINT of this chart is uranus in aries in the first house (outward identity) AND is a bucket handle for the rest of the planets. This means it is the only planet in the lower hemisphere while the other nine are in the upper (public) hemisphere. A bucket handle  pulls the rest of the chart, giving enormous emphasis and impact to uranus in aries. Simply put, this is a very aggressive, feisty, dynamic revolutionary energy, giving the sun in aquarius an extra kick. Uranus is also the lightning bolt planet, creating change suddenly and seeming at “of the blue”times.We can expect the unexpected with changes on behalf of women and feminine consciousness!!

 The deeper meaning of Uranus is AWAKENING. A spiritual master, Meher Baba, said: "I have come not to teach but to awaken.” He also said we are entering the age of the Feminine (including intuition). Uranus is then awakening feminine consciousness which has been inside of us, but was not yet ready to emerge until now. This awakening will create powerful insights about the nature of masculine and feminine energies and how to balance them. The aries part of the uranus in aries will bring aggressive, straightforward, courageous action in order to catalyze the goal of compassion, nurturing sensitivity and intuition.

 The cusp of the first house (outward persona) is pisces while uranus is in aries in the same house. This indicates a softening of the outward projection of the event .

 The chart has two planets in the 10th house of the public, mercury and pluto, both in serious, practical, organizational Capricorn. Mercury represents a public message (about feminine consciousness) carried out in practical, strpby step by step methods which carry weight and authority, while pluto elevates that message to a MISSION of transformation of the old culture/tradition (patriarchy).

Unlike the unpredictability of uranus and aquarius, capricorn will move slowly and cautiously toward reaching its practical goal. These planets are very helpful to the mission for women as they demand a grounded realistic approach that will ultimately put them in positions of public authority.

             Karma (the past influence) and Dharma (the purpose)

 Accompanying these dramatic, external themes, are inward emotional themes of a deeply karmic nature. To move to the future and its possibilities for women and feminine consciousness, there are deep emotional/spiritual issues from the past that need to be looked at and dealt with. These issues come from the moon in scorpio in the 8th house and the south node in pisces in the 12th house with 4 planets in pisces conjuncting the south node. (Note: the south node is karma difficulties from the past which need to worked out in order to progress forward).

 The moon in scorpio in the 8th house represents a psychotherapeutic process of delving deeply into old emotional wounds, taboos and fears that are extremely difficult to look at. But as the moon is also the nurturer, this is a natural process of bringing to the surface, previously hidden issues that were simply too fearful to delve into. These issues include sexuality, abuse and primal fears of expressing feelings that were repressed by the patriarchal culture. Scorpio is a transformational sign which demands a death/rebirth process so that the the old can die and be reborn into a new consciousness unburdened by repressed emotions. What is emerging is emotional power based on trusting intuition even amidst the shifting sands of moods and feelings. Ultimately a metaphysical (8th house) approach to life emerges which transcends dependency on the physical world.

                The South and North Nodes --- getting to VIRGO

 The south node (karma) for this event is pisces in the 12th house with 4 planets also in pisces; neptune, mars, chiron and the venus. (as already noted). The north node (dharma or purpose) is virgo in the sixth house. As the south node focuses on insecurities which cause suffering --- the insecurities of pisces and the 12th are extremely important in resolving the difficulties and dilemmas for women (and symbolically feminine consciousness). Both pisces and the 12th house are spirituality indicating a highly spiritual karmic past which underlies this revolutionary event.  Among these insecurities are over-idealism, ungroundedness, addictions, victimization and a lack of realism. Hypersensivity and a desire to withdraw are other insecurities as they can be carried to the extreme. As pisces is a water sign, which is emotional, another problem is extreme subjectivity in making decisions and a tendency to generalize behaviors.

 We can assume these issues go back hundreds of years! And now is the critical time to release the focus on the insecurities and make a bold move toward practical work and service for others (the north node in virgo in the sixth house).

 But to get to virgo in the sixth house, the planets which are near the south node must  be dealt with, because they too are full of insecurities and fears. Additionally, Saturn (authority or restraint) squares 3 of the planets - mars, venus and chiron. This creates an age-old sense of limitation or being controlled(probably by men) --- which also must be confronted. A lot! The most significant planet on the south node is neptune -- the planet of spirituality in its own house and sign. This indicates the global,universal and mystical aspect of the insecurities of the south node furthering emphazing a a fuzzy, unconscious, ungrounded consciousness.€

 The issue of love (venus) in pisces on the south node is a key feminist issue. It is extremely highly idealized in this position and there is a considerable amount of retreating and hiding due to the nature of the 12th house. The problem with the south node position is that insecurities such over idealism of a mate, a “head in the clouds”approach, ungroundedness, victimization (one the key problems) and being taken advance of, come to the forefront.

Complicating these problems are a close conjunction to chiron (the wounded healer), so there has been a huge amount of woundedness in love and relationships. As we know, this is putting it mildly. As part of the south node, there has been a stuckness in the woundedness which CAN SERVE as a vehicle to serve and help others. Finally, mars (the masculine principle) is also in pisces, indicating a lot of identity confusion around the the masculine role for women. Because pisces desires selflessness and mars desires focus on the self, guilt may emerge as another problem of the south node. 

 The lack of objectivity in the south node is balanced over time by moving toward the objectivity of the north node of virgo in the sixth house. As virgo is an earth sign, it is  of paramount importance to translate lofty goals into into simple practical service for others and to work on personal growth and self improvement. This can feel very mundane to the grand ideals of the south node, but when it is carried out, it is enormously helpful and gratifying. That is the goal of the Womens March.

Randy Wasserstrom

Cary, NC, USA

10-29-2017

[thesnootyushers]

Welcome back Ranger fans, following the series high point of Power Rangers In Space, we enter a new era in Power Rangers lore.  Welcome to Power Rangers: Lost Galaxy.

Set  a year after the events of Power Rangers In Space, the Galactic Space Alliance has launched the space colony Terra Venture in search of a new world to colonize for Earth’s people. Across the cosmos, the evil forces of Scorpius have invaded the planet Mirinoi to steal a set of legendary relics called the Quasar Sabers that sit in a stone altar.

When Maya, a young native of the planet escapes through a dimensional portal to find help, she arrives on Terra Venture.   She finds workers Kendrix, Kai, and Mike who are currently trying to stop Mike’s little brother Leo as he tries to smuggle his way onto the colony and begs them to help.  All except Kai agree, but in the long run he is unable to ignore the situation and employs the Astro Megaship and its caretaker Damon to take him to the planet and help his friends.

When they reunite on Mirinoi, Leo, Kai, Damon, Maya, Kendrix, and Mike try to fight Scorpius’s minions and in doing so draw the Quasar Sabers, allowing them to become The Galaxy Power Rangers!

In anger, Scorpius’s general Furio turns everything to stone. Mike gives his life to protect his friends as they escape, and Leo is given the Red Quasar Saber from Mike to become the Galaxy Red Ranger. Aided by new Zords known as Galactabeasts, The Rangers protect Terra Venture from Scorpius and his generals Furio and Treacheron.

This series sees The Magna Defender come to help The Galaxy Rangers. Having lost his son Zika to Scorpius long ago, he is driven by vengeance . It is later discovered that The Magna Defender had saved Mike from his death by absorbing his life into himself, and it is Mike’s noble influence and Zika’s memory that ultimately drives The Magna Defender to give up his life and save Terra Venture from a disaster that he had blindly created. Having found peace in his death, The Magna Defender gives his powers to Mike, allowing him to aid The Rangers in battle.

Meanwhile, Scorpius has woven a cocoon to be used by his spoiled human daughter Trakeena so that she can embrace her true power. In a fit of selfishness, Trakeena refuses and flees to the planet Onyx, where she meets the warrior Villamax and his aide Kegler. As they train Trakeena in the ways of combat, the manipulative villain Deviot sides with Scorpius in an attempt to take the cocoon’s power for his own. Knowing that he won’t let him near the prize so long as he lives, Deviot manipulates Scorpius into attacking The Rangers by claiming that they have his daughter and he is critically wounded in battle. Trakeena returns to her father’s side as he dies from his wounds and Scorpius leaves all his power and forces to her, infuriating Deviot.

Swearing to avenge her father, Trakeena continues to attack Terra Venture and has the infamous Psycho Rangers revived to destroy her enemies. When word of their revival reaches Earth, The Space Rangers rush to the colony to aid The Galaxy Rangers in destroying the dangerous doppelgangers. Psycho Pink manages to survive their attack and escapes to obtain a deadly weapon known as the Savage Sword, but Kendrix gives her life to destroy the last of the Psycho Rangers. Her Quasar Saber is later found by Karone, the woman who had once terrorized the galaxy as Astronema, and she is chosen to become the new Pink Galaxy Ranger.

Deviot eventually takes extreme measures and recites an ancient spell to send Terra Venture into uncharted and very dangerous territory: The Lost Galaxy. This cursed realm is ruled by Captain Mutiny, who wants to enslave Terra Venture’s crew to work his gem mines. To make matters worse, Terra Venture’s systems become damaged, putting it and The Galaxy Rangers on an urgent mission to escape and find a planet before the colony dies. Mike is ultimately forced to give up his Magna Defender powers to ensure Terra Venture’s survival and escape from Captain Mutiny’s forces.

Upon escaping the Lost Galaxy, Terra Venture finally finds a habitable planet and sets course for approach, while Deviot tries to kill Trakeena and drags her into the cocoon. Deviot is destroyed as his body is absorbed into Trakeena’s, but the fusion also destroys Trakeena’s sanity and she begins an assault to wipe out everybody and everything in Terra Venture. The Rangers are forced to sacrifice the Astro Megaship in order to protect the evacuating colonists, and Trakeena resorts to using the cocoon as a final act of defiance. Now incredibly powerful, she attempts to drop the colony wreckage onto the planet, and The Rangers are barely able to fight her to a standstill. Leo seemingly destroys Trakeena in a point-blank energy blast that nearly kills him, and the Galactabeasts are able to catch the wreckage in time to save the day.

With the colonists safe and Trakeena gone, The Galaxy Rangers explore the planet and discover that they are right back where they started: Mirinoi. As The Rangers return the Quasar Sabers to the stone altar, the petrified world and its people are restored to life, and Kendrix is revived as well. Their mission done, The Rangers and their friends celebrate.

The Lost Galaxy season in interesting and serves as a transitional series and a unique one in Power Rangers history. It is neither completely self-contained nor a direct continuation, but instead is a bit of both. The show would not begin to have completely independent stories until the following series, Lightspeed Rescue.

The main reason being,  although it’s a stand-alone story, there were several ties to previous seasons (or Zordon Era). There were allusions to Zordon being the source of the Galaxy Power Rangers’ powers; Paul Schrier and Jack Banning reprise their roles as Bulk and Professor Phenomenus, respectively. Alpha 6 and the Astro Megaship were used again and Melody Perkins reprises her role as Karone (Astronema from In Space)midway through the series. This is also the first season to have sentient Zords and feature the demise of a Power Ranger in battle, though Kendrix would be revived in the finale.

This season had a lot to live up to, given the almost deity like appreciation In Space had heaped upon it. The writers knowing this, adapted the Sentai Series this was based on to have a space theme so it could strike while the space opera iron was still hot. The Super Sentai series Seijuu Sentai Gingaman, a nature themed (The title Lost Galaxy was thought significant because the word “Ginga” is a Japanese for “Galaxy”.) This was often difficult for the writers as the stock footage was of a nature-based show with no space elements. Really though this has lots of mystical and even legendary overtones. In particular the swords in the stones, the Zords and enhancements all come from mystical as oppose to technical origins. What’s more, all the changes resulted in stories being scrapped and footage that was filmed not being used. It caused several narrative issues.

Lost Galaxy had a solid story, it was just a bit vague due to lack of information on the Galaxy Powers and Mirinoi and there were plot holes which isn’t surprising since lots of this story was dropped in lieu if the space motif. Still it had an excellent cast of heroes and villains and in a Power Rangers series, that is the key.

Starting with The Rangers all were very well rounded, in particular Kai (Blue Galaxy Ranger), who was a loyal soldier and a man who stuck rigidly to procedure.  Throughout the series, he begins to follow his instincts, his morals and his friends to become an even better officer. He reminds me of a watered down version of Simon Pegg’s Sgt. Angel character in Hot Fuzz.

Kendrix (Pink Galaxy Ranger) was great, despite her  hyper intelligence and deep science knowledge she was never a nerd or social misfit. She was bright, friendly and helpful.  The reason Kendrix  was killed was that the actress was diagnosed with leukemia and had to leave the series to undergo treatment; Saban still credited her, however, so they could assist in paying for her treatment. After thankfully recovering, the character was resurrected at the end of the season, and she reprises her role for a guest spot during the show’s next incarnation the following season.

I also like the addition of Karone from the previous season. She was a good link to In Space but taking on the mantle of The Pink Galaxy Ranger helped develop her already pretty deep character. We saw her finally doing good and not evil. We also saw her dealing with the guilt of some of her past mistakes. It’s a shame she was replaced again by the resurrection of Kendrix.

Now, do not think I am heartless, I am so thrilled that the actress Valerie Vernon recovered from Leukemia,  I also understand why they brought her back to life. However just like with the resurrection of Astronema last season, this weakened the narrative a bit. It was such a moving and noble death scene and it really had an impact on me. It showed the serious nature of The Rangers task. So to bring her back this time with no explanation I felt spat on everything they had done mid season.

Leo (Red Galaxy Ranger) was an okay leader. He was very impulsive and rash usually acting without thinking. He also had the screw up younger brother complex. He didn’t have the hardened lone wolf mentality of Andros or the sheer awesomeness of Tommy. He functioned well in the team, he learned and developed over the series but stands by most of the decisions he made.  Leo is not The best Red Ranger but he is not the worst either.

Damon (Green Galaxy Ranger)  is interesting, he is bold and definitely willing to risk his life to fulfill his duties but he can be insensitive to others feelings and looks at what he can get for himself. This is the first time we see a Ranger with less than noble intentions. They are not inherently bad just a little introspective. It adds some nice dramatic moments and like the others  he does work on this and becomes a bit warmer. I didn’t like it as a kid, but thinking about it now its really creates a diverse group. They are not all super perfect people.

Maya (Yellow Galaxy Ranger) is an empath, highly sensitive to the world around her. Her connection with nature allows her to understand everything and everyone around her, particularly the Galactabeasts . On occasion, she’s received clairvoyant dreams or feelings concerning  Mike, Kendrix and Trakeena’s rise to power after the death of Scorpius.  On top of her emphatic abilities, Maya is also a skilled fighter, fueled by an unwillingness to back down (especially when slighted for her gender) or forced to retreat from battle when she believes she has the upper hand. On more than one occasion, she clashed with Trakeena’s general, Deviot, often attacking him first upon arriving on the scene.

Mayas development suffered because of the change in story, since lots of the mystical material was dropped in favor of the Sci-Fi elements, what I imagine would be more backstory was also altered or cut. Something else that arise as a consequence of this is not much is made of the planet Mirinoi. Don’t forget Maya’s home was attacked, her people turned to stone and she was pulled across the galaxy into an entirely new environment in which she had no idea of. Yet it never affected her. Once again I think this is due to the bigger focus being on making another space opera as oppose to a mystical tale.

Heroes wouldn’t be heroes without villains and once again the villains are up to the task.  Most of these villains are very much warriors with a code, Samurai or Knights loyal to their respective King or Queen. The politics and interplay between these villains is equally as entertaining as The Rangers drama. There was a huge emphasis on swordplay in this series.

Villamax is another amazing lieutenant, in the same vein to Ecliptor, he trains Trakeena and swears loyalty to her. Even though he disagrees with her methods as the series continues and even refuses her orders. He allows her to kill him refusing to raise his weapon to strike her out of honour. There is a scene where he saves a child in Terra Venture and she gives him a  blue flower.   It’s Oscar worthy….okay, maybe not that far…but it is a great scene.  Treacheron is similar too, his loyalty to Scorpius is unyielding and he challenges The Red Ranger to a one on one sword fight to the death. It’s brilliant.

Trakeena

Treacheron

Villamax

Trakeena is also brilliant as a villain. She is basically a spoilt little brat. She always wants more and goes further and further in her quest for power and control. She cares only about herself. Like Astronema before her she is a great fighter, cunning,  able and completely heartless. Unlike Astronema however she is just evil to the core. She looks even more sadistic and villainous next to all these warrior generals.

This series features one of my favourite episode called Loyax’s Battle.  Loyax is an aged and powerful warrior.  He wants one last fight against a worthy adversary. He asks Trakeena to give him a shot at The Rangers.  On Villamax’s endorsement, she sends him to battle.  He is angered when he meets Maya. He is sexist towards her as a fighter, she discovers Loyax  once fought for good but now serves evil. During the battle, Loyax and Maya fall into a cave and are forced to work together in order to escape, but Maya convinces the disillusioned warrior to again become the hero he once was.. the final scene is incredible.

The Lost Galaxy would start something here that would be a staple of each series that followed.  The Team up episode. Every series, The Ranger team from the previous series would show up for a crossover and this was one of the best.  Firstly because I love the Space Rangers but also because it was a very well told story hat showcased both teams. There is always a risk of one outshining the other.

Some brief aesthetics I always like to talk about is Zord and costumes. This time the Zords were called Galactabeasts (animals once again) and were sentient unlike Zords of previous generations. They were good but for me not as good as the Astro Mega ship or the original Megazord.

I hated the new Galaxy Rangers costumes. Too much white, not enough colour and the way the accompanying Galactabeast features were emblazoned on the helmets mage them look goofy. This is the first incarnation of The Rangers in which I haven’t liked the suits. The rest have all been quite sleek. Even the Turbo Helmets with car design were still quite polished.

All in all, this was a decent series, the story was good and featured some great character work.  It was always going to be compared to In Space and I reckon had they followed the original motif of the series which was a mystical adventure it could have been equally as good. The changing and editing to make it another space opera really threw up some gaping issues with flow of the narrative, backstory and character development.

A major plot hole remains, in as much as I don’t actually know what the Lost Galaxy is. If it was just some place they went for several episodes, why was that the title for the series? It confused me then and it confuses me now. Yet again the viewing figures took a  down turn, people were a little confused with the story and also found it slow to start.

I didn’t hate it, but reiterate, I would have loved to see where they could have gone if they had followed the Sentai more. A series based on sword and sorcery would have been novel. As we have never had that in a Power Rangers series.

Although the audience numbers  fell slightly, they were still much higher than Turbo. The profits were still growing and merchandise was still churning out the green. The new formula was working. The writers and crew decided next series to go back to more earthly mundane roots and look at the rescue services. Sooooooo that is all from The Lost Galaxy, all that’s left to say is…..

Tune in next time when I look at Power Rangers  Lightspeed Rescue.

The Power Rangers Legacy Volume 7: Lost Galaxy Welcome back Ranger fans, following the series high point of Power Rangers In Space, we enter a new era in Power Rangers lore.