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#i already hate myself for the choice i made but
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Oh yeah make sure neglected people get love until that neglected person is a fucking narcissist. Cause all narcissists are bad. Everything I do is intentionally manipulative or maybe they'll say I'm not actually a narcissist and are just confused or supporting them cause I've been made to feel guilty. I've been on both sides. People will believe I'm a narcissist and so therefore I'm abusive or people will not believe I'm a narcissist cause I'm too nice and just getting caught up in narcissists manipulating me to support them.
I hate the idea that my self image is not by my choice. I will always be what OTHERS perceive me as. I have always been that and it will continue to be that. People will either see someone that can't do any wrong or someone that can only do wrong. Like stfu I am a person! I can do good and bad! I have a past of being toxic and harmful esp as a teenager cause I was a fucking mentally fucked teen still in an abusive situation.
I just. I dunno. Im waiting on food so I'm very like just ranty about everything and anything. But like. Stfu. Stfu stfu stfu stfu stfu. If anyone else is needy and needs attention or reassurance then it's fine. But I have had it demonized since my fucking childhood and had my fucking meltdowns demonized as being intentionally manipulative!!! I WAS A FIVE YEAR OLD AUTISTIC CHILD STFU!!!!!
And people praising empathy as being good piss me off. Cause you know what else can also have hypoempathy? AUTISM. Low empathy is not just an "evil" personality disorder thing. Anyone can be anywhere on the scale of empathy. And it doesn't fucking matter. And anyone can be capable of good or bad. It has literally nothing to do with narcissism or any disorder.
Like wtf are anti narcissists gonna fucking do when they realize theyve done harm??? Cause you know what being someone believing in narc abuse did to me?! It made me believe that i was justified as a victim of narcissists so therefore I couldn't be wrong in my trauma responses.
Yeah. Accepting im a narcissist did way more for helping my relationships by allowing me to understand and communicate my needs than believing in narc abuse and calling my parents narcissists ever fucking did. Wtf are they gonna do when they're told about the harm they've done??? Not even related to narc abuse. I would have horrible episodes and defended myself cause I wasn't like my abusive "narcissistic" parents. And all it did was lead to more fights and more episodes and my friend couldn't help cause they were dealing with trauma responses too (people pleasing, believing it was okay what I did or that she deserved it even when I told her not to say or believe that, it's a very lengthy explanation required thing.)
Anyone and everyone is capable of good and bad and is capable of harming others. Whether it's full on abuse, even worse things, or just being insensitive and thoughtless. Focusing so much on the big bad narcissists will only continue to focus on this "us vs them" mentality that completely negates any sort of nuance and ignores the fact that harmful people, abusers, and even the worst of humanity is ALLOWED by society. It isn't a prevalence of narcissists, it is fucking bigotry. And it is everywhere. And it allows abuse to be normalized.
Big list of things I been thinking on. Fuck fuck fuck. I'm already fucking stressed and my parents won't stfu so I can think and type. Disorganized speech, semiverbal, can't thinky think.
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the-crimson · 10 months
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I’m not sure how to word my sadness while scrolling through the qsmp tag this morning. There was only one person that I saw (well I saw other people mentioning them as id blocked them about a week ago lmao) stiring the pot and being negative/racist while most others were either reacting to the cesspool that is Twitter or that one person which was kind of creating an echo chamber of worry/negativity.
Unfortunately there isn’t really anything we can do about the assholes other than block and move on. Don’t engage with them as they are looking for that. They want outrage and drama.
The only thing we can do is be extra positive towards the ccs. Encourage them, make more fan content supporting their rp choices, engage in the fandom in a positive way to drown out the negative.
The qsmp is very special. Don’t let the ass holes ruin it for you. Take a break from Twitter if you need to. Block people and report them for hate speech if need be. Be a positive force to counter the negativity
Forever and Cellbit were talking about cross banning everyone shitting on Bagerah and I think that is the best way we can also proceed. Don’t give the assholes any attention. Don’t argue with them. Just block and move on/continue supporting the ccs.
Please don’t let this fandom turn into the dsmp fandom
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year
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#sometimes u have a day thats just so. i cant even. its seems 2023 is my year of rage#directionless rage. i guess im mad at me but instead of being directed inward it just goes out into empty space#im just fucking. im at my saturation point#its a good thing i stopped taking measurements yesterday and went to the store tomorrow bc im so fucking#mostly bc i noticed a problem with the code for a paper that is fucking less than a day away from being locked in on acceptance#and now its like fucking i have to go through and change a lot and im also less than 48hrs away from another massive project starting#that will occupy my whole fucking waking nightmare of a life. so its a good thing im level headed. its a good thing i can accept my fuck#ups with honestly. bc im so fucking. ive had it. im up to fucking here with everything and i just want it to be done#im fucking full of bitterness and black bile and i want to break things. and whose fault is it? fucking mine#bc im too fucking exhausted constantly all the time to fucking pay attention to what im doing and notic that a fucking function isnt#working properly. fuck u fuck u fuck u. so what r we gonna do abt it?#idk well see what my boss says. i already texted her that news and its good bc at least i caught it but god its so fucking irritating#god. will i b told off for this? maybe. i probably deserve it. haha if so that will send me for an absolute tailspin. i cannot stand to#feel ive done something wrong. even when i kno i have. last time i had a total freakout meltdown and made v bad choices and that wasnt even#this bad. so its a good thing im currently fairly stable bc the desire to make bad choices is very strong#im just so sick and tired of everything and i want to let things implode bc im vindictive against myself. but we must not do that we must#be reasonable. so idk we may have to withdraw the paper. whatever i dont give a fuck. itll get accepted elsewhere. i dont fucking care#leave me alone to dissolve into the dirt and set my data ablaze to be helpful to no one. erase my Prospective impack. i don't fucking care#anyway today sucked. i might have to stay up all night trying to fix this. ensuring that i fuck up the start of the looming project yayyyyy#i hate it here. i stopped having fun over a year ago#itll b fine. im just fucking. im full im impotent rage#unrelated
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doebt · 1 year
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i NEED to live in a renovated van or little small rv and travel around the country foreverrrrrr
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frosted-queerios · 2 months
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shortly after we moved into our current apartment, I started on a downward spiral that completely changed the course of my life rn and I really hope that moving out will help me leave some of that behind
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Very depressed vent in the tags
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violetbeauregut · 22 days
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In Defense of Feedism
I was absolutely struck when I read  @fatliberation‘s beautiful, vulnerable post the other day. They always have brilliant ideas and they show unfailing grace and kindness to everyone, despite a ton of rude, ill-informed backlash (I would 100% recommend following them). 
I can’t stop thinking about the reactions to that post and how incredibly strange it is to have to tiptoe around feedism (to use an umbrella term) in a movement that is supposed to be centered around ending the oppression of fat people. 
I can understand why fat people who are not feedists would be weary or even repulsed by this kink. From the outside it may seem degrading and manipulative that the language and insults used against fat people are replicated in the bedroom. It is also harmful to be fetishized when you do not want to be fetishized, both in real life and online. 
But these are the only points I’ve heard against feedism that I consider to be a legitimate argument in the discourse of fat liberation, as these are the only claims against feedism I’ve come across that are not based in fatphobia. If you are in favor of fat liberation, then you must see fatness as morally neutral. Therefore, the choice to gain weight is not inherently “good” or “bad,” it is instead a matter of autonomy– a right that should be granted to everyone, regardless of size. 
The major issue with feedism is the same issue that permeates all kink and, by extension, all sexuality: consent. There are feedists, particularly feeders, who fetishize all fat people, regardless of their wishes; feedists who try to force fat people to participate in kink with or without their knowledge or permission. This is abhorrent behavior; there are no excuses for it. But the problem here is a violation of consent and not the kink itself. The unethical practice of kink does not make the kink unethical. And while feedees are often disregarded in discussions of feedism and fat liberation (which I have already talked about in depth here), there are most assuredly fat feedees, like myself, who are fully consenting to fat fetish play. 
While I can only speak for myself, I know that I am not the only person who developed this kink because of weight-related trauma. When you grow up fat, when you are forced to go to Weight Watchers at seven years old, your brain comes to associate fat as taboo and taboo as sexy–but it goes beyond an attraction to something risky or frowned upon. 
I live my life as a fat woman; I am fat at the doctor’s office and fat in tiny airplane seats and I am especially fat as a feedee. No matter if I’m engaging with my kink or not, I am fat and I don’t get to stop being fat outside of my bedroom. Out of all of the scenarios where I am existing in my fat body, engaging in kink play is the only one where I am experiencing pleasure because of my body, not despite it. It’s arousing to be praised for the thing that once made you hate yourself. It’s arousing to engage with something you fear or that has harmed you in a safe, controlled context where you have all the power to make it stop. 
What anti-feedist fat liberationists need to understand is that feedism is, at its core, a resistance to fatphobia. When you see things that are typically fatphobic in feedist play– terms like “pig,” “cow,” “tubby,” etc. and comments about being “out of shape” or “ruined” by fat– it is not a replication of weight stigma, but a subversion of it. Feedism takes the harmful stereotypes of fatness and robs them of their power by putting them in a new context; a context where fatness is so desirable that feedists want more of it. By using the language and misconceptions of fatness to give and receive pleasure instead of to oppress, feedism not only creates a safe space to heal from fatphobic trauma, but it empowers fatness– it empowers fat people, which is supposed to be the goal of fat liberation.
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ambrosiagourmet · 2 months
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Did Laios have a plan
... when he made his deal with the Lion? How much of it was intentional and how much of it was out of his control?
Well. If I'm being honest I don't really want to try and provide a definitive answer to that question, because I think the ambiguity is, itself, part of the story. I've gone back and forth a few times myself, and I don't think either category - "fully intentional" or "fully coincidence" - is entirely true.
That being said, I would like to point out a few things that I've seen taken for granted as true. Things that, imo, are much more about the character's perspective, or about what the character WANTS people to think (well, that's really just the Winged Lion).
Consider this not exactly an argument for "Laios masterminded everything from the start and saved the world with his cunning," but more... "Laios considered what he was doing more than people give him credit for." Make sense?
Alright then, let's go:
So to start with, I want to show every time (that I could find, at least) that the question of 'does Laios have a plan' gets brought up. This is specifically after his Ultimate Monster Form is revealed, to be clear - the question isn't about if he has a plan in general, it is if he has/had a plan when he made this specific deal with the Lion.
Here they are:
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You'll notice, in all of these instances, there never really is an answer given to the question. Either because there is no way to get one, or, with Kabru at the end there, because he explicitly doesn't let Laios answer. There's even a bit of an arc here: we start with a sort of desperate 'I've mostly given up but maybe this isn't as bad as it looks,' then get a more optimistic 'maybe we really are saved,' and finally end on 'it all worked out in the end, so we maybe don't need to know.'
But, as much as there is some genuine growth in Kabru's 'accept the outcome, rather than dissecting the truth,' I also think it says a lot more about him than about Laios. Kabru is the one trying to handle his questions and his uncertainty - as he said, he wants to confirm his judgement of character. He wants to feel like he had control over things.
And he lets that go! But he also doesn't actually get the truth, either, and his implied assumption here (that Laios, the wide-eyed monster-lover, probably just followed his desires), still relies on his judgements and assumptions about Laios.
But okay, these bits are all focused on the characters theorizing about Laios. How about we look at the character who actually tells us the facts ("facts"): the Winged Lion.
The Winged Lion has quite a bit to say about Laios and his monster form.
He says that Laios hates humanity, and would rather be a monster
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I've talked about this a bit already, but the Lion makes a lot of claims and assumptions about Laios that aren't necessarily true.
First of all, let's just make sure we clearly establish that the Lion is being manipulative here. That may seem obvious, but it's important to understand that there is a difference between 'the truth' and 'a version of the truth specifically framed to prey upon your deepest shame and insecurities about what you really want.'
To point out a few quick-and-dirty contradictions here:
If Laios really hated all other humans, then the Lion wouldn't hinge so many of his other arguments on Laios' love for Falin and his friends.
the Lion claims that Laios "[doesn't] even care enough about the future of [the] world to express an opinion about it," even though Laios has literally expressed opinions on what he wants for the world, to the Lion's face.
In general, the Lion does not make a distinction between urges and choices (see, for instance: him using Marcille's subconscious fear of the canaries as a way to keep her from stopping the monsters from attacking in chapter 86).
I'm not saying there is not a piece of truth here, but also... we are not our darkest thoughts, and we especially are not those thoughts as defined by someone who wants to hurt and control us.
But let’s move on to the stuff the Lion claims about Laios once he has been turned into his monster form.
2. He says that (or rather, acts like) Laios is under his control
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The Lion really enjoys grandstanding about how Monster Laios is an ultimate tool he has control over. He gloats about making Laios fight the others, and has him smash through the magical barrier.
But smashing the barrier is kinda the only thing that Monster Laios actually does for the Lion. He doesn't attack anyone. He doesn't hurt his friends, despite Chilchuck thinking that Laios has "turned completely into a monster." And he certainly doesn't simply let the Lion go through with his plan to eat everyone.
This barrier smashing is actually an interesting and odd thing for Laios to have done specifically, so remember that one. I'll come back to it later.
But, yeah, to the original point... despite the Lion's dramatics, all that Monster Laios does is pose, smash up a magic barrier, and then eat him. Not exactly under his control.
AND SPEAKING OF EATING THE DEMON...
3. He frames Laios attacking and eating him as thoughtlessly violent
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This one is pretty funny to me, and the Lion keeps it up for the whole scene. I'm not sure how much of this is his genuine understanding of the situation, and how much is him intentionally framing things in the most insulting manner, but like... truly. The ego involved in this. To see someone who has, multiple times, tried to stand against you - someone who has literally wished for your non-existence, to your face - to see this person attack you, specifically, and have your first reaction be 'huh, I guess he's a reckless weirdo to the core???'
Incredible stuff.
And this part, too:
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He claims that Laios can't recognize anyone, that he's out of control. And yet, the Lion is the only person that gets eaten here. He is Laios' singular target.
Hell, Laios even specifically attacks one of the bodies that is actively hurting Chilchuck. I don't know if that was entirely intentional on Laios' part, but I do think it's notable.
The Lion torments Laios' friend, and when Laios does something that interrupts that action, the Lion reframes it as unhinged violence. I don't know, there's something here about the way that cruel people only talk about the things people do to resist them as violent, and ignore the violence that causes such resistance in the first place.
In any case, the main point is that the Lion insists on treating Laios like an unthinking animal during this fight, despite the fact that Laios is clearly trying to accomplish something here.
And what exactly is Laios trying to accomplish? Well, the Lion isn't entirely wrong. Laios is trying to eat something. He tells us as much.
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And truly, everything Laios does as a monster points to this. He had a goal. And he accomplished it.
Let me back up a moment. I need to explain smashing the barrier.
So, Laios first starts considering how to kill the Lion when he is confronted with the fact that his only other choice would be to kill Marcille. Immediately and entirely discarding that solution, because of course he does, he tries to wrap his head around what defeating the Lion would even look like.
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He clearly continues thinking about this, as a nearly identical conversation happens a few chapters later, when Laios is once again told that killing Marcille is the only way forward.
Only, this time, he's started to come up with an idea for how to do this impossible thing.
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Harkening all the way back to the Living Armor chapter, Laios draws on the same lesson - if the Lion has made itself part of the world, if it has made itself into something alive, that means he can kill it. And eat it.
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But there's an important extra detail to this. If he's going to try and kill (and eat) the Lion, he needs to strike when it’s vulnerable. He needs to strike when it's eating.
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This is why he smashes through the barrier. Again, nothing else he does as a monster really benefits the Lion. He doesn't attack anyone else. The only command he obeys is to smash the barrier. Because the Lion has to think he has won for Laios to be able to eat him.
Beat him. For Laios to be able to beat him.
The question of why Monster Laios wanted to eat the Lion is, I think, the most ambiguous part. Was he curious? Hungry? Did he fight for his own life, for his friends, or for all of humanity? Did he know how to win because he had planned everything from the start, or because he was driven by an unquenchable instinct to do whatever it took to survive?
I don't know that it is possible to say for sure. But I do know that the Lion underestimates Laios, through it all. He underestimates Laios as a human, and he underestimates Laios as a monster.
And in the end, after he is bested, even then I don't think the Lion ever gets Laios. I don't think he understands how much Laios means his words about the Lion being burdened by hunger...
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or what Laios cares about most...
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or what meaning there is in life, for him.
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So I don't buy what the Lion is selling about Laios, generally speaking. I don't buy that Laios didn't ever know what he was doing, and I don't buy that he was nothing more than a hungry beast.
Well. I mean. He was a hungry beast. But he was a more than that too. He was the Devourer of All Things Horrible. And he didn't just happen into that title by chance.
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strawberrysturniolo · 4 months
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gaming // bf!chris
summary: you’re desperate for attention while your bf is playing a game with his brothers on twitch, and you distract him with a blowjob
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My day has been filled with nothing but phone calls and stress. Work felt never ending, and when I finally clocked out, I had endless calls to make. 
I could feel my anxiety dripping out of my skin with every bead of sweat that fell. I hate letting things have this power over me, but how can I stop it? At some point it just builds up and I have no choice but to let it take control. Right now, I’m fully checked out of everything for the day. 
For some sort of break from life, I use my spare key to enter my boyfriend’s house. I would have given him a heads up and let him know I was on my way, but my phone was occupied with everyone else in the world, when all I wanted was to vent to Chris about my day so he could cheer me up like he always is able to. 
I lock the door behind me and head to his room, knocking once on the door before letting myself in. He pokes his head out, his eyes wide in surprise, and I notice when I hear Matt and Nick talking to him through his headset that he had no idea who could have been coming into his room.
“Oh, hi,” he says, finally smiling and relaxing a bit when he realizes it’s me. 
I toss my bag on his bed and kick my shoes off. “Hi.”
He nods his head to the monitor in front of him, and it’s at this moment that I realize that not only is he playing a game with his brothers, but he’s also streaming it in front of god knows how many viewers, who can all see me now. It’s a miracle I stopped myself from saying something vulgar before everyone heard. 
I whisper a “Sorry” before stepping out of the frame. 
When my back is turned, I hear Matt and Nick through the stream going, “Oooooo”
“Guys, shut up,” Chris says. 
“Who could that be?” Matt asks although he knows it’s me. They’re just trying to tease Chris for my unannounced appearance during the stream.
He turns around in his chair, moving his headphones so one ear is out. “You wanna say hi?”
I let out an annoyed sigh, already wishing I could take it back, and this only grows when Chris’ face falls, thinking I was reacting that way to him. That’s not the case at all, I’m just mentally and physically tired, and the last thing I want is to be interrogated with questions in the stream’s chat, or feel like I need to entertain people. 
“I’m not really in the mood,” I finally say.
Chris gives me a soft smile, noticing something is wrong. He always does. “That’s okay.”
He turns back to the screen, and it’s at this moment that I realize I’ve probably made myself look like a complete cunt in front of tens of thousands of people.. 
I walk behind Chris, bending over his shoulder a bit so I can see the screen better, scanning my eyes over the chat. “Hi guys, I’m sorry if I sound bitchy. I just had a bad day.”
Chris looks over to me and asks, “Wanna get ice cream later and we can chill?”
As silly as it sounds, one thing me and Chris have to do when we have a bad day is treat the other person to ice cream. It’s such a simple and somewhat foolish activity, but that’s the best part. When we have our days of stress, anxiety, and misery, we always make an effort to get ice cream to forget about our issues. 
“When is later?” I ask, getting excited for our plan. 
“In like an hour,” he guesses. “We’re still streaming.”
I nod, planning to designate this next hour to getting myself unready and trying to relax for the first time today.
As I undress myself, I can feel my boyfriend staring at me. I make sure I’m far from the camera, but my first thought when he stares is that I have just flashed our audience. 
I turn back around to double check, only finding my boyfriend with red cheeks and a stupid smile. He quickly turns back around. 
With my shirt and pants off, I purposefully let myself take more time to dress in something comfier, teasing him in front of a crowd of people online. I peek over my shoulder at him, finding him shifting uncomfortably. It’s relentless, like he can’t stop himself even if he tried. 
He has a full shot of my ass when I bend over and dig for a pair of Chris’ sweatpants, finally opting for his blue Fresh Love set. 
“Chris! Come on!” Nick shouts at him, noticing how distracted his brother has become. 
“Sorry, I’m sorry,” he mutters before the sound of him clicking on his controller. 
I laugh to myself at the idea of him becoming distracted, a sense of confidence growing inside of me knowing that I was the one who made him that way. 
I stand next to him, staying out of the frame of the camera. I smirk at his boner, which only grows by the second. It’s prominent through his gray sweatpants. 
He notices me staring. “Stop it,” he warns through gritted teeth. 
I lower myself to the floor next to his gaming chair. My fingers take over, tracing over his thighs. He sucks in a sharp breath that is luckily mistaken as a missed shot on his opponent. 
He quickly reaches up to his headset, muting his microphone before he says, “You better be careful,” in his normal volume. 
“You better be careful,” I tell him. “You’re the one being watched by…” I peek at the monitor. “Seventy-five thousand people.” 
His eyes dart between the screen and me. “Are you just going to tease me and try to embarrass me in front of everyone.”
I pout a bit, insulted that he would think so lowly of me. “Of course not,” I assure him. “I’m going to suck you off, and you’re gonna behave and make sure no one knows.” 
He licks his lips, trying to act nonchalant. He does nothing but nod and sink a bit in his chair, making sure I will be completely out of the frame below him. 
He returns to his game, spitting out insults at his brothers and trying to seem invested in their game as they continue to play. 
My hands tug at the string of his sweatpants, loosening them before tugging them down to his thighs. He lifts his hips a little bit, helping me out without making anything too obvious. 
His black briefs hug his dick. His erection is so clear and tight against his underwear, I can see him leaking out onto the fabric. My pussy clenches at the sight. 
I trace my finger over where I know his tip is, following the pathetic splotch of pre-cum. His hips shift, and I squeeze his thigh as a warning. 
I press soft kisses to his clothed dick, peering up at him and watching his expressions change, trying not to laugh at his attempts of playing off his outward reactions to my touch to him as reactions to the game. 
I pull the last layer of clothing out of the way watching his cock smack his stomach before his pre-cum continues to leak, now onto the trail of hair between his belly button and his pelvis. 
I wrap a hand around him, stroking him lightly, spitting down on his tip and rubbing it on him through every stroke. His stomach starts to heave, already desperate for more. 
I poke my tongue out, licking over his slit and tasting what he’s been leaking for minutes now. I continue to spit on his dick, making a mess on him before taking him in my mouth. He rolls his lips into his mouth, trying his hardest not to make a sound. 
I swirl my tongue around his tip through every motion, taking him deeper over time. The sight of him struggling above me is enough to make me wet. 
“Alright we’re gonna take a little five minute break,” Nick’s voice echos. My eyes widen, and I find myself pulling Chris out of my mouth at the sound. “We’ll be back so just sit tight.” 
Chris quickly turns off his camera, pressing the mute button on his headset and tosses it onto the bed behind him. 
Then, his hands find my face, holding my cheeks as I take him into my mouth again. “Fuck, baby that’s so good.” His face contorts now that he can take advantage of the camera being off. “Oh my god, just like that.”
I continue to bob my head on him, his tip reaching the back of my throat each time. His stomach heaves harder now, his hand raking through my hair before thrusting himself deeper. 
My eyes widen before gaining a comfortable rhythm, drool beginning to drip down my chin as my mouth hangs open, getting sloppily fucked by my needy boyfriend. 
“I’m gonna cum,” he whines. “Fuck– Please don’t stop. Please, baby.” 
I nod, not wanting to take my mouth off of him and risk us losing time before the stream starts again. I lower a hand to his balls, rubbing and squeezing them until I can feel them tighten in my hold. His moans become strained, trying not to let his brothers hear us. Any other time he really wouldn’t care, but I know he’s worried about getting teased in front of fans, and the last thing we want is attention being brought to what we’re clearly doing. 
His thrusts become erratic, my eyes watering as he fucks my throat. I have to mentally encourage myself to keep going. 
“Ohhhhh, shit,” he groans. His eyes are screwed shut, opening when he feels my lips close around his cock as he releases his cum into my mouth. He watches me take it, his jaw slack. 
I pull his underwear up delicately, knowing he’s overly sensitive at the moment, before doing the same with his underwear.
I press a soft kiss to his lips, earning a pleased hum from him in response. 
“You look so pretty in my set,” he compliments me, his voice low as he presses a kiss to my shoulder. 
“Compliments to the CEO,” I grin.
He smiles back at me, hugging me tightly as we bask in the last few moments of silence before he jumps back on the game. 
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a-hazbin-reader · 2 months
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how about a reader who's been feeling pretty overworked recently?and just needs to rest but is to stubborn to Al does something about it?
Now it's Alastor's turn to pamper~
Alastor X Reader Headcanons
✅️Romantic
❌️Platonic
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TW: None I think??
Description: ☝️⬆️
You've been going nonstop all week and it's been taking it's toll on you physically and mentally
There's so much that needs done and you're only one person, you don't have time to sit and relax
Which means you're unintentionally taking time with you away from Alastor
Not his ears drooping and folding back when he realizes you're going to turn him down
"I'm so sorry, Alastor, I'm just too tired to go out and I really need to finish this."
"Y/N, it's our date night and I insist that you-"
"I'm sorry, I'll make it up to you later, I promise."
But you pass out and Alastor has to carry you to bed, hating that you're so overworked right now, that you have no time to spare for him
Which in his deer brain, means that you're neglecting him because you're so fried from work
And that means he's gotta fix this
But you're stubbon and won't relax willingly so he's got to get creative
"Darling, won't you take this bubble bath with me? I need help getting my back~"
🥵🥵 s-sure
He takes special care to massage and scrub every part of you until you're a gooey mess in his hands
Despite his claws, he can be surprisingly gentle, it's rather soothing to feel them ghosting over your skin
It's not until later when your back is against his chest and he's kissing your shoulder that you realize he's been spoiling you the entire time
Literally carries you to bed bridal style and dries your body with a loving reverence that makes you blush
"Alastor, I can do this myself-"
"Hush now, let me do this for you..."
Rubs fancy lotions and creams into your skin, massaging until you inevitably fall asleep under his care
Nobody is allowed to wake you or bother you at all for the time being, he'll make sure of it
He finds excuses to interrupt you during your work, forcing you to take breaks
"Darling, I accidentally made too much jambalaya! So I thought I might bring you some as I am quite sure you haven't eaten today~"
"Alastor, I don't have time to-that smells really good..."
It's so good you could cry, devouring the entire thing while he stays and has lunch with you, turning it into a mini date
You didn't even realize how tense were before Alastor showed up, feeling full and relaxed after he gives you a parting kiss
You really don't want him to go, watching him leave with a longing expression
Not him purposefully stealing something you need so that you have no choice but to seek him out
"Have you seen my folder? I can't get back to work without it!"
"Hm? I can't say that I have, but have you seen what a beautiful day it is outside? Why not just skip work today, and we'll take a stroll through Cannibal Town?"
Won't take no for an answer, already looping his arm with yours and marching you outside
It is actually a beautiful day outside
Takes you to all your old haunts and spends all day buying anything you even look at
It feels good to catch up with Rosie and some of your old friends, not having realized how long it's been since you've seen them
He also takes you out dancing, which leaves you tired and sore, but in the best way possible, he was always exciting to dance with
Will carry you home if he has to, will actually find an excuse to do so
"Do your feet hurt? Here, let me carry you~"
You pass out before he puts the blanket over you, soothed by his scent on your pillow
It's not until later when you wake up to him putting your folder back in your bag that you realize what he's been up to
"Alastor..?"
Oh fuck he's been caught
"Darling! I was just-cleaning off your bag and-"
"...just shut up and come back to bed..."
Literally climbs right on top of you and flops on you like he's your own personal weighted blanket
Kissing your neck and shoulders before whispering into your ear with a slightly guilty voice
"Are you angry with me?"
"Mm...not if you keep giving me attention like this..."
Well, he wouldn't want his darling Y/N to start getting angry with him now, would he?
The next day you feel more renewed and refreshed than you have in weeks, waking up tangled in Alastor's arms
You chuckle softly and push some of his hair out of his (totally not pretending) sleeping face, admiring his handsome features
He's a sneaky man who tricks you into relaxing and taking time for yourself because he loves you
And you love him all the more for it
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This one was too cute! I hope you like it
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saetoru · 1 year
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[ LOGIC ] ALHAITHAM.
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“haitham,” your voice sings, “are you jealous?” you elbow alhaitham’s side, poking his cheek and quirking your brows as an amused grin tugs at your lips. he only grunts, flipping a page of his book without sparing you a glance and pretending that he doesn’t hear you. “i know you heard me,” you pester, “you are jealous, huh?”
“i have nothing to be jealous of,” he says matter of factly, and though you can’t bring yourself to believe him, you have to admire his persistence even if a little.
alhaitham is not jealous—it’s what he tells himself, at least.
jealousy is an irrational concept, especially when two people have mutually agreed they’re exclusive—which you both have done so already. it’s an ugly emotion, it’s unbecoming of the loyalty you’ve pledged and the trust that exists between you both.
therefore, alhaitham is not jealous.
he simply thinks that logically speaking, the general mahamatra has no business standing that close to you when it’s a well known fact you’re in a relationship. based on his observations (which are seldom wrong) making you laugh so easily should be near impossible—cyno’s jokes are about as dry as the desert sand itself. alhaitham thinks it must be a pity laugh. it has to be a pity laugh—cyno is not funny, not in the slightest. and the way your eyes twinkle as you talk to him is not fondness, it’s kindness—because you’re a genuine person, that’s all.
he watches you both talk for one second, then two, and then he realizes he’s frowning. why is he frowning? there’s nothing to be jealous of when cyno is involved, the rational part of alhaitham’s mind knows this.
alhaitham is taller, a lot more muscular, he’s the (acting) grand sage—and though he hates the position, it’s evidently popular amongst the ladies. he’s smarter, and though neither him nor cyno are very social, he likes to think he’s better at analyzing people’s emotional responses and understanding human behavior. and besides that, alhaitham knows your favorite coffee order and where your favorite spot for lunch is. he knows the crinkle of your nose means you have more to say but you’re biting your tongue. he knows you laugh behind your hand because sometimes you get shy about your smile.
he knows more about you than cyno could ever imagine exists. logically speaking, alhaitham understands you far better than cyno, and he should be the optimal choice. there’s not anything to worry about, nothing that should concern him in regards to his (very stable) relationship with you. but then he remembers the way you laughed at something cyno said, the way the general mahamtra looked at you in surprise before letting his gaze soften with a tiny smile.
he grits his jaw and closes his book.
“cyno doesn’t know you as well as i do,” he starts, making you blink before you nod slowly.
“yes, that’s true,” you ponder, “i suppose he doesn’t. you’ve known me for quite some time now—”
“cyno wouldn’t have as much time for you with all his duties. i, on the other hand, leave work as soon as the clock hits five pm.”
“that’s true, you do have a tendency to leave even if they need you to stay—”
“cyno’s position as general mahamatra makes him the target of a lot of angry and dangerous people, which could prove unsafe for you too,” alhaitham continues, cutting you off.
you frown, crinkling your brows in confusion, and you have to wonder—where is he going with all of this?
“well, yeah, sure. but just so you know, i’m not weak. i can take care of myself—”
“i never said you weren’t capable,” he says instantly, “but the optimal choice for who to date would be me—which you made the right choice, of course. congratulations.”
you snort, giving him a side eye that makes him raise a brow.
“you’re hopeless, haitham,” you giggle.
“and why is that? i’ve supplied more than enough evidence why—”
and then you cut him off with a kiss. it’s a gentle kiss, a slow one where you cup his cheeks, rub the soft skin in delicate circles with your thumb, cradle the back of his head and hold him close as you linger and let him steal a taste of you while you steal one of him too.
alhaitham pulls away in a daze, the book in his hand falling to his lap without the page marked before he can even realize it, long forgotten as you press your forehead to his.
“only you would give me evidence why i should choose you,” you say, clearly amused.
“technically, it’s not evidence why you should choose me if you already did,” he retorts.
and he’s right—you have already chosen him, and you can’t say you regret it. sure, alhaitham is hard to read and nearly impossible to predict. just when you think you have him figured out, he surprises you in more ways than one. he’s too smart for his own good, and his impressive (and sometimes irritating) ability to come up with a rebuttal to everything has moments that make you want to peel your own skin off. he’s blunt and sometimes dry and it drives you up a wall that he answers you with that know-it-all attitude of his.
he never lets a single emotion sway his decisions, and you often whine over every minor inconvenience. he reads books in his free time while you look for something to watch on tv. he rarely wants to leave the house, yet you always have somewhere you want to explore or a new place you want to try. logically speaking, it shouldn’t work, but it does—and cyno will not disrupt the routine that is you, the routine that has so naturally knit itself into his life, for even one moment.
especially not with those bland jokes of his that don’t even have a proper punchline.
“just because you have an answer for everything doesn’t mean you need to give it,” you huff, “and i’m right this time. you are jealous.”
“like i said,” he shrugs, “i’m not jealous.”
“oh yeah? so if the general mahamatra requested my help for another investigation, then you wouldn’t—”
“the general mahamatra has made it this far without your help,” alhaitham says dryly, and if you look close enough, you might just make out the beginnings of a pout at the edges of his lips.
you laugh, scratching gently at his scalp as your fingers thread into his hair. “why else are you better for me?” you hum, cupping his cheek and kissing the corner of his mouth.
now that—that’s a question alhaitham will always have endless answers too. he relaxes, closes his eyes and lets you kiss along his jaw slowly as his hands find purchase of your waist.
“we’d be here all day,” he mumbles, “it’s a lengthy answer.”
“i got time,” you wriggle your brows. he chuckles—and when you laugh too, the sound of your voice in perfect harmony with the sound of his, he thinks he’s found yet another reason why.
“cyno doesn’t know you sing in the shower when you think you’re home alone,” he smirks, rubbing your hips up and down as you gape at him.
“what do you mean—”
“and he doesn’t know your favorite orders or the way you like your coffee. overall, the best option for you is me,” he nods, fighting back a chuckle when you roll your eyes.
“you sure put a lot of thought into this,” you mutter.
“of course,” he shrugs, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. and perhaps it is—there’s a sense of rationality he loses when you’re around. instead, a sense of rawness, a sense of something dangerously close to hope. “i spend a lot of time thinking about you,” he adds softly.
your face softens, and your eyes twinkle in a way that they certainly did not when cyno was around—and he suspects it’s from a lot more than just a bit of kindness.
“you sure you’re not jealous?”
“no,” he grins, “i’m very sure i’m right.”
“for once,” you kiss the corner of his mouth, watching it twitch as he stares at your lips and fights the urge to chase after them, “i’ll have to admit you’re right.”
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bellarkeselection · 4 months
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Walter to the Rescue
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Gif not mine it belongs to @alphinias
After a ride in the woods late at night you wind up getting lost and to the readers surprise Cole actually answers your call.
Tag list - @cognacdelights
Kicking my horse in the belly to go faster with the wind running through my hair that I left completely loose. This wasn’t the first time I had taken one of the Walter family's horses to clear my head from a day of high school. It all could be a lot especially when everyone in this town knows you have a close family relationship with the Walter kids. Because it only results in half the school thinking you're sleeping with some of them. “Woah boy. Easy now.”
My horse begins making some noise in protest hearing some thunder off in the distance. I knew that horses could get spooked easy but I wasn't too worried about it. Alex had taught me how to keep your cool on them. Looking around at the treeline the leaves have already begun changing colors making it really beautiful. “Ah!” I screamed suddenly when lighting hit the ground in front of me and that caused my horse to whine and throw me off its back.
“Ow! No wait…” I called out to my horse but he was already far off into the treeline. Running a hand through my hair I sighed seeing that the sky was getting darker meaning there was a storm coming. Digging inside my jacket pocket I drew out my phone dialing the house phone getting no answer. “Seriously a house full of that many people and nobody hears the phone!”
I guess I couldn't blame them for not answering. That house is always loud and crazy no matter what time of day. Plus now that Jackie from New York had moved in things got more complicated. Tapping my knees in thought I tried to decide who would answer my call. Alex was busy with Jackie, Parker was probably outside playing with Benny. Will was working tonight selling houses. Jordan, Nathan, Lee, Isaac and Danny didn't drive. So that left me in the hands of the most popular guy in town who was known for hooking up with multiple girls Cole. Lifting my head up to the sky I felt heavy rain coming down where I scrambled to my feet but collapsed when I felt a sharp pain in my left ankle. “Shit!...guess he's my only choice now.”
It wasn't that I hated the guy. I just hated the reputation he had made for himself. The rain came pouring down where I grunted, forcing myself to stand up. I hopped over to the treeline to get some coverage from the storm. The wind was picking up, shaking everything so I dialed his number. “Pick up, pick up.”
“What's going on, Y/n?” His voice came through the phone.
“Don't make fun of me but I'm lost.” I stated.
He chuckled at me. “How did little woodlen girl get lost?”
“Cole, I'm not in the mood for teasing right now.” I spat back.
The former star football player still was laughing on the other end. “I’m sorry I just can’t believe girl who hunts with her father managed to get lost on our property. I mean I never thought I’d see the day from someone like you.”
“Cole, I am currently stuck out in a storm and called you for help so can you take this seriously please!” I raised my voice pulling the hood of my jacket over my head shivering when the wind blew harshly against me.
Finally to my surprise he came to his senses responding back to me. “Alright I’ll come get you.” He hung up the call and I was forced to listen and watch the storm get worse for an hour or so.
Burying my face into my knees my body was shaking from the cold and the fact that my clothes were soaked head to toe. I heard a vehicle engine getting closer in my direction and it pulled to a stop showing me it was Cole’s truck he was usually working on in the barn. The drivers door flung opened and quickly shut where I saw someone running towards me with a jacket in their hands. “Cole?”
“One knight in shining armor, woodland girl.” He declared dropping down on a knee, draping the jacket over my shoulders.
I glared up into his green eyes seeing his blonde hair sticking to his forehead. “Can you please call me by my actual name for once?”
“Maybe someday. Come on let's get out of the cold before we both get frost bite.” He offered me his hands tugging me to stand.
“Argh!” I winced, dropping down on my other knee after my injured ankle.
Cole was quick on his reflectances sweeping me up bridal style into his muscular arms. “Looks like you needed a better horse riding teacher than Alex huh?”
“Let’s not talk about it right now.” I said feeling embarrassed enough as is. He helped me into the passenger seat and we drove home. He carried me upstairs and sat me down on the edge of his bed in his bedroom.
He searched around in the closet grabbing himself a change of clothes. Then he tossed me one of his blue tea shirts and some shorts. “Here I can help you if you need it.”
“Turn around first.” I instructed him, blushing since I haven't even kissed anyone before. He did as told giving me the chance to slip my wet shirt for his and shrugging off my jeans until I thought about getting the shorts on. I pulled them up as much as I could before getting his attention. “Cole, I can’t get them up without standing on my foot.”
He looks over his shoulder coming back to me moving his hands down to the left side telling me. “Lift your foot for me.” I lifted my foot and he shrugged it up then helping me sit back down on the bed so I could do the same to my right leg without his assistance.
“Thanks, Cole.” I whispered where he stands in front of me letting silence fill the room. I avoided his gaze, not sure of what to say until I shut my eyes to ask the question. “So did you have to skip a hookup with Erin to come rescue me?”
He tilted his head to the side. “Why would you care if I did. You have a crush on me or something, woodland girl?”
“Y/n, you know my name so use it.” I corrected him. “And even if I did, you don't have relationships. I wouldn't want to be another girl tricked by The Cole Effect.”
He raised a brow at my words. “Oh yeah. What makes you think you'd just be another girl I hook up with?”
“Like I said everyone at school knows you don't do real boyfriend girlfriend relationships. You do hook ups and my mother saw it before I did but I refuse to let my feelings for you lead me down that path since you can't possibly feel the same way about me as I do you.” I accidentally admitted without realizing it to him.
Cole stared blankly at me. “You don't think I feel the same?”
“If you did, you have a funny way of showing it.” Shrugging my shoulders I lowered my gaze down from his green orbs.
Cole simply replied then closed the gap between us. “Is this enough of an effort for ya.” He cupped my face in his hands, crashing his lips down onto mine.
I gasped in shock and awe that the famous Cole Walter was kissing me. He was kissing me, the girl that wasn’t popular like he was. The girl that was just a friend of the family but still no one special. “Cole…I’ve never….never done anything like this.” I mumbled tugging on his blonde locks deepening the kiss. He moaned gently pushing me down onto the mattress and he climbed over top of me never breaking the heated kiss until we needed air.
“I’m not doing this to just have a hook up with you, Y/n. I’m not good with commitment but I do actually care about you.” He breathed out holding himself up by his hands on either side of me, blonde hair falling in front of his eyes and his eyes were focused on me.
Raising one hand up I tangled my fingers into his hair asking the question that was eating away at me now. “So what does that make us now, Cole Walter?”
“We can take this slow and figure it out as we go along, Y/n Woodland Girl L/n.” He smiled leaning down kissing me gently this time. I giggled wrapping my arms around his neck bringing him closer to me enjoying the kisses we shared.
Comments really appreciated ❤️
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whalesforhands · 10 months
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desperation looks good on you (bully!geto x fem!reader x bully!gojo)
warnings: 18+, SMUT, dubious consent, penetration, minors DNI, i hate myself for writing this, everyone is 18+ in this
On your knees, you could barely breathe as you choked on the length in your mouth.
”That’s it- That’s it… Good girl- Ugh, fuck…” Gojo Satoru groaned as he snapped his hips forward, a hand tightening its grip on your hair and lodging his phallus deeper within the warmth of your throat.
Your hands were tightened around his thick, muscly thighs as you felt more tears beginning to fall from your eyes, mouth sore and spit dribbling from your forced open lips from the sheer girth.
Gojo had always been one to pick on you. You, the quiet, non-assuming classmate of his that kept to yourself. Sweet, pleasant and easy to get along with underneath your shy exterior. You don’t understand how you ended up with the white-haired male tripping you in the hallways, causing you to spill the various books all over the floor, him laughing at your plight. Or how he would take perverse up-skirts of your panties as you walked up the stairs, making less than appropriate comments about your choice of underwear…
“God, you don’t know how much I’ve wanted those cute lips of yours wrapped around my cock.” He angles his hips to pull out of your mouth slightly, until only just the tip was inbetween your sweet lips. 
You take the chance to breathe in through your nose, gulping in air as you cough on the precum produced from his bulbous head. 
“Aww, look at you. Such an adorable mess already.” You pant slightly, meeting his admittedly, beautiful crystal blue eyes with such fear, submission and sheer cuteness. He almost feels bad when he shoves his cock back inside your throat. 
Almost.
You looked much better choking on it anyway. 
- -
He pats your head softly, lovingly as he cooed at you. His cum dribbling from your lips as he tucked his length away, satisfied and happy from making use of your warm mouth after 2 continuous rounds.
 A slight chuckle leaves his mouth before he glances down at the mess you made on your panties between your flipped up skirt. He lets out an appreciative whistle at the sight before he drags you up by your hair, hand moving to grope one of your exposed breasts and the other reaching to feel the wetness between your legs.
”Cute.” He rubs at the moist fabric, swiftly moving the thin barrier to the side and plunging a long finger into you. “Can’t believe you got this wet from sucking some cock.” He cooed, watching you squirm as he added another finger, allowing you to cling onto his uniform as you fought to hold back your moans. “You sure you still a virgin?” He laughed, curling his fingers right into that spot within you as you let out a squeal, how did he always manage to find that spot so quickly? 
“Of course you are. I’d never allow anyone to touch my cute toy.” Gojo cackled, his fingers speeding up, in and out, in and out, curled directly and perfectly at your most sensitive, his thumb rubbing at your clit.
Oh god oh god oh god…!
”C-cummin’…!” You buried your head into his chest, gripping onto his shirt for dear life, so hard that your hands felt like they were going to rip his uniform. 
“That’s right, that’s right… Cum all over my fingers, slut.” He coos as your release coated his fingers, spraying all over the hemline of his shirt, sunglasses tipped downwards as he looked down to see you adorably clinging onto him in pure ecstacy. God, you looked so cute. 
He pulled his digits out, giggling as he watched you whine from your oversensitivity. He was sure he made you cum so hard you were seeing stars right now, from the stagger you had when he parted from you, to the dazed look in your eyes.
”Clean them up real good okay?” He stuffs his sticky fingers into your mouth, watching as you closed your eyes, suckling and licking obediently. He chuckles, watching you through those beautiful eyes of his.
“Whore.”
Yeah, he definitely needs to do this more often.
- -
You always thought Geto Suguru would be different. He was always so kind, so sweet to you.
The only who to stand up against Gojo for you.
Helping you up after you’ve been tripped, sharing his textbooks with you when they’ve been stolen, stopping Gojo when he attempts to corner you.
Geto Suguru was your saviour. The shining ray of hope from the darkness that shrouded you.
It didn’t help that he was so handsome, sturdy shoulders and toned arms brushing against you whenever you scooted yourself closer to his to better view the textbook you were sharing.
Perhaps your crush on him was your downfall. The sweet innocent feelings of wanting to be near him, wanting to be the one by his side.
The one who was desperate to learn all about him. Him, who was so different from the tormenting Gojo Satoru. He, Geto Suguru, who loved to be around you as you are.
That’s why he saved you, right? Right?
Perhaps that’s why you trusted him so easily, eagerly agreeing to meet him at his home after school to better learn that recipe to the sweet tamagoyaki he had fed to you from his lunchbox.
Perhaps that was why you were pinned against his couch, allowed his head to slot inbetween your spread legs as he teased and licked over your panty-clad core. On his knees, hands gripping the underside of your thighs as he sucked at the wet spots of the fabric.
“You’re so cute, it’s hard to resist you, you know?”
His tongue was now toying with your clit, your panties long ripped off and laid uselessly in his pocket. His long fingers deep within your core, as they thrusted themselves mercilessly in and out of you.
Was this really what you hoped for when you came here?
“It’s okay because you like me, right?” You heard him whisper into your ear, his fingers intimately threaded through your own like some sort of sick joke.
You do like him. Your eyes met his own dark ones, a reminder of a crystalline blue flashed through your mind’s eye.
He wasn’t so different, after all.
You felt the thick, blunt head of his girthy cock notch itself at the entrance of your cunt. His strong hands held your legs open, exposing you in your nakedness to his hungry eyes.
He dreamt of this. Dreamt of you. He wanted you. He wanted you to want him too.
That’s why you were letting him take your precious cherry, right? You liked him. Liked him so much. You do, right?
“G-Geto…”
“Suguru.” He breathes out, hands still holding yours. “Call me Suguru, sweetheart.”
You gulped, your kiss-bitten lips trembling as tears began to fill your eyes. “Suguru, t-that won’t fit.” You cried out, trying to buck your hips away from the imposing cockhead that sat at your entrance.
You can’t possibly take that. He kisses your tears away.
“Don’t worry darling.” He begins to slide it against your drenched folds. “I’ll make it fit. Just keep being such a sweet girl for me.”
His balls bounced against your ass as he thrusted, his hands pinning your own to the bed as you cried and moaned and whined his name.
“Mmngh! No, no! Ah, Suguru!” You cried, your hips bucking themselves up to sustain the mind-numbing pleasure you were experiencing.
How did he feel so good inside you?
Suguru grabs your hips and begins vigorously thrusting into you, his powerful thrusts sending waves of pleasure through your cunt.
Though, as a thrust swings his heavy balls against you, you had come to the chilling realisation that without a condom, he will soon be flooding your womb.
“Noooo!” Thrust. “I- I don’t wanna-!” Thrust. “Pregnant!” Thrust. He mercilessly hammered his cock down deep inside your pussy, kissing the spots inside you as you squirmed and screamed. Begged him to not come inside.
He’s not having it.
“Sorry, pretty girl.” He gives you a kiss to quiet your moans. A consolation for what he was about to do. “You’re too gorgeous not to.”
Your fingers grip tight at his hands as you let out a scream, orgasming and arching your back as every muscle begins to tingle with pleasure, squeezing his cock with passionate convulsions as your cues echo around the room, the sensations too much.
How many times have you come undone for him already?
Suguru groans, thrusting balls deep inside you. His shaft filled you completely as a warm, sticky wetness was released inside you. The hot sperm pulsating inside as you fought to catch your breath.
- -
“Repeat what I just said.”
Gojo’s hands tightened around your hips as your hands found purchase on the wall for support. Your trembling feet not touching the ground, trembling mid-air as Gojo Satoru’s cum leaked out of your abused cunt, staining your ripped stockings and discarded skirt on the ground.
Your asshole tightened around his imposing cock, your befuddled mind struggling to obey.
“B-bad s-slaves get their cunts used like c-common whores…” A warning smack against your ass as you jolted from the pressure. “And g-get fucked up the ass!” You whined out, feeling him roll his hips.
Gojo Satoru was angry. Angry that Geto Suguru got to your heart first, making him lose the bet. Why did you not fall for him first? He was the Gojo Satoru.
What did Suguru have that he did not?
Why did you love Suguru first?
Why not him?
His pounding grew unsteady, his hips slapping against your ass as you moaned and moaned and moaned.
He grips your hair, pulling you backwards, enough to pull your face back and kiss you as his hips eventually stilled, buried all the way inside your ass as he started to cum, filling up your second hole with his essence.
Your body continued to shake as you were turned around abruptly, your back against the wall before you felt Gojo’s lips pressed against yours once again.
“Please,” You heard him whisper through your pleasure drunk haze. It was scratchy, his voice soft and almost desperate.
“Can’t you love me too?”
i have no asks or requests u are all making me really sad :(
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fatuismooches · 11 months
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principiis amoris.
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synopsis: In other words, five times Dottore swore he hated you and the one time he realized it was the opposite.
includes: dottore w/ gn! reader
notes: I wanted to try my hand at these 5+1 fics, and Dottore seemed to be the best candidate. Behold, 6k+ words of fluff. Reader and Dottore are complete menaces (and not very good people) and you also throw a book at someone.
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I. blindness
Much to anyone’s surprise, Zandik was having what he would call a good day. Today was the last day of all of his especially boring and easy classes, the illegal parts he secretly ordered came in, and he would be able to stay in his dorm for a while before classes started again. A break from these all these so-called scholars would be much appreciated. He was growing rather tired of them and was greatly looking forward to the much-needed retreat of progressing his research. He could feel it already - the sweet sensation of tinkering with the new parts quickened his pace.
What he was not expecting was his door to be open, voices and rustling noises coming from inside. Immediately a frown appeared and his good feeling was lost. Quickly, he entered the room and saw an unknown figure donning the Akademiya’s robes, and an academic counselor he recognized standing in his room. Now he was glad he made sure to put his tools away. Ones that were totally not prohibited.
“What is the meaning of this?” He didn’t try to hide the loathing in his voice.
The counselor shifted in place, clearly not wanting to be here anymore due to his presence. You, on the other hand, didn’t seem to care. In fact, Zandik could see that you were smiling.
“Ah, hello Zandik. Good to see you are doing well,” she lied through her teeth. “This here is [Name], your-”
“Your new roommate!” you chimed in. The counselor shrunk in her place even more, probably regretting all her life choices now as Zandik’s laser gaze was on her now. 
“I thought I made myself clear when I informed you that I did not want anyone in my dorm?”
“Yes, well, as per the rules of the Akademiya, every scholar should try to have a roommate for the purpose of cooperation…” Her voice became progressively smaller as Zandik continued to burn his gaze onto her, “a-and collaboration. Regardless of your thoughts, [Name] has to try to dorm with someone, and that someone happens to be you.” You nodded your head in agreement as the counselor spoke.
“So please, um, try to get along!” She quickly excused herself and scurried out of the room, leaving the two of you alone. You smiled at him yet again, sticking your hand out for a handshake, to which he only spared a glance and turned away.
“Pleased to meet you! I’m excited to live with you!”
“We’ll see about that,” he scoffed. You’d be out of here in less than a week, just like the few other roommates he had. But to think he had to spend his break with a nuisance in his room now? That irritated him to no end. Though what confused him more was your sunny disposition. Quite literally everyone in the Akademiya knew him and acted the complete opposite.
“Hehe, sure. By the way, I call the top bunk bed!”
It was from that moment he knew.
Zandik hated you.
II. relentless
Zandik had been giving you the cold shoulder since the moment you stepped into his (now yours too) dorm. You knew this would be a tough journey, but damn. At least he was good eye candy and wasn’t loud. (If you excused his eerie laughter in the middle of the night.)
On this particular night, Zandik was at his makeshift workbench tinkering with Archon knows what, as usual. Unfortunately, even though you found it to be interesting, you were unfamiliar with all of that mechanical stuff. You always would look at him while he worked, and while he would sometimes snap at you to stop staring, he never actually did anything about it. Today was one of those nights.
“You’ve certainly been at that for a while,” you commented. Zandik showed no sign of reaction.
“You don’t want anything to eat? Or drink?” you continued.
“Don’t have time,” he responded with no hesitation, far too interested in his new play toys, and also wanting to shut down this conversation immediately. But, you didn’t think these were the ones he usually used. You think he kept the deadlier ones hidden away in case you reported him or something.
“To consume something?”
“To make something right now,” he corrected.
“Well, yeah, I know. That’s why I’m going to make it for you,” you clarified, kind of surprised (but also not) that you needed to say it directly. This managed to make your roommate pause.
“So you are offering to cook for me?” he clarified your statement yet again.
“Yes?” This time he freed his hand of items completely and looked you dead in the eye.
“Explain.”
“E-Explain? Well, I mean, we’re roommates and all, habiting the same space. It only makes sense that we do things we each other once in a while.”
“So you expect a transaction.”
“A transaction…? Huh? No! This isn’t some kind of business deal or whatever. No, I do not expect anything back from you. I am doing this for you because I want to. There’s nothing more to it.” There was no response from Zandik, and he was silent as if he was trying to process what you just said, which was rather cute.
“I do not understand.”
You mentally sighed. “That’s fine, for now. I’m gonna whip something up anyway.” Before he could protest further, you disappeared into the tiny kitchen the Akademiya’s dorms provided.
You had to think of a suitable snack. He probably wouldn’t eat it if it was too cumbersome and distracting from whatever he was doing. He needed some kind of finger food… and you had just the idea. You believed that when you were a struggling Akademiya student, it was only natural to have some good recipes up your sleeve.
Samosas. Delicious bite-sized pieces of goodness. Although they would take a bit to make, you didn’t think Zandik would care. He hardly realized the difference between minutes and hours when he was in this kind of scientific state. And you were glad you stocked up the pantry with your own products because you really had no idea how Zandik lived in these conditions.
Soon enough, you had made a portion for him (and secretly snuck a few for yourself) and you had also made a piping hot cup of coffee, a student’s best friend of course. You then plated it and brought it to your roommate, setting it down in front of him wordlessly, to which he seemed surprised.
Zandik did not realize you were even still doing that. He thought you were bluffing. But now that such aromatic food was right in front of him, his stomach came to life and he noticed the dryness of his throat. With squinted eyes, he tentatively picked up one of the samosas and inspected it. (Did he think you poisoned it or something?) But then he popped one into his mouth and began to chew experimentally. His face did not betray his emotions, but your questions were answered by his next actions.
“Hmm,” he said matter-of-factly, before nomming on another samosa. You peered at him from the top bunk bed as he polished off the bowl of samosas rather quickly. Now, he was waiting for the coffee to cool.
“Sooooo, how was my cooking?” you questioned, already internally knowing the answer even if he didn’t admit it.
“It was convenient,” he admitted. Most of the time, Zandik did not cook for himself, as he found the process a waste of time when he could be doing other things. 
“I’m glad. And the taste?”
“It was fine.” Actually, it was far more than fine. The constant consumption of the easiest food to make had dulled his taste buds and made him accustomed to bland food. Though your food was quite tasty, Zandik was not about to let you get a big head now.
“Just fine? Seemed like you scarfed them down pretty quickly,” you teased.
“The quicker I eat, the quicker I am able to devote my full attention to the research,” he corrected you. You pouted but still felt pleased.
“Then I’ll make something for you every day.”
He felt on guard again at your kindness. “Why?”
You raised an eyebrow at him. “Didn’t I already say? ‘Cause we’re roommates and all, and also soon-to-be friends. And friends usually help each other out, yeah? And also because I’m kind of worried how you eat the same thing over and over.” 
He immediately frowned at your proposal. “I am not your friend. And never will be.”
You shrugged your shoulders and moved to lie down instead, pulling the blankets over you. “Ehe, we’ll see. I have a way with words, you know!” You smiled and winked at him, to which you received a deadpan glare. “Good night, Zandik! Oh, and make sure to clean up afterward!”
“Hmph.”
Friend. He toyed with the word and idea in his head, mocking it internally. Friend… friend, as if that could ever be feasible. Of course not.
Zandik hated you.
III. possessiveness 
It had been a while since you moved in with Zandik, and he stopped treating you with disdain. Though, Zandik was Zandik, so you still got a tongue-lashing from time to time. (But you could never take him seriously anymore, which irritated him.)
Lately, though, he had begun to show you some of his research, and even begun to let you tinker with some of his stuff! Only while he was present of course, but you were elated. Though, he seemed to be enjoying this more than you somehow. You could ask one question and suddenly he’d be on a tangent. But you were just happy he was talking to you.
You had been upgraded from hated stranger to tolerable stranger to okay acquaintance in Zandik’s eyes. You had insisted on calling him your friend, to which he still did not understand, but for some reason he allowed it. Perhaps it was because it felt nice.
Actually, you were a helpful, okay acquaintance. You frequently looked over his notes for him, correcting spelling and grammar errors from when he scribbled so fast. Tidied up his bed and work space too. The best part was that you had begun to run errands for him so he didn’t need to leave the dorm himself. After these series of events, you had declared yourself his assistant without even asking him first, but he supposed that was okay. He valued usefulness. And maybe your company a bit, too. And although he enjoyed silence the most, maybe he liked how nice your voice was in the background.
Today was one of those days where he waited for you to get back from an errand. It was quick and easy, and the seller wasn’t too far away. Like always, he occupied himself with his work and awaited your return, which proved to be fruitful as usual. But after a while, something did not feel right.
Zandik could not put his finger on it. Why did he have this feeling in the back of his mind? He was quite irritated at this itch he could not reach. Perhaps you would have-
That’s right. You. You. You. Where were you? That’s when he realized that you were gone longer than you usually were. To think that his body and mind would get so accustomed to your presence. He wasn’t sure whether to feel disgusted or not by this feeling.
He wondered what was the holdup. But there was naught he could do except wait. And wait. And wait. Until the jiggle of the doorknob drew his attention and you stepped through the door with the items he requested. 
“Hey, Zandik,” you greeted, locking the door behind you and dropping the bag on the table. He didn’t respond, but you didn’t think that was anything strange since he never cared much for greetings. “Got your stuff,” you continued your normal routine, kicking off your shoes and shedding your sweater, expecting the silence to continue.
“What took you so long?” You almost did a double-take when he spoke.
“What?”
“What took you so long?” he repeated.
“Oh, on the way back, some students stopped me and asked if I could explain some stuff to them. I guess I did take a bit longer than usual. Why?” you questioned. Did he really notice the difference? It hadn’t even been that long, maybe ten to fifteen minutes extra that you took. And plus, it’s not like you two were doing anything together. Just sitting in silence with metal clanking as usual.
When you did not get any response, you raised your eyebrows and tip-toed your way over to him to get a glimpse of his expression. It was mostly empty if you ignored the eye twitching and the downward curve. You had to dig your fingernails into your palm to control the chuckles. 
“Could it be… did you miss little old me, Zandik?”
“Perish the thought,” Zandik immediately interrupted before you could even finish your sentence. “Your whereabouts are not my concern,” he vehemently denied.
“Mhm, alright then.”
“I simply do not see why you need to talk to those so-called scholars. They are not worth the time or energy to even look at.”
Ah, there it was. So he was jealous. You understood now.
“Well, I was just doing what a normal, nice person would do.”
“The fact that you are still living with me proves you’re not normal. As for the nice part, you don’t need to do that for anyone.”
“Oh really? So what should I do, turn a blind eye to everyone else and save the sweet words for you?” you joked.
“Yes. Were you not the one who declared yourself as my assistant? Assistants always follow their seniors,” he stated matter-of-factly.
You were completely surprised at his mini confession, that if you spoke carelessly, you knew you’d stutter. But you weren’t complaining. You ignored the heat on your face, and matched his words.
“Hmm… I would say in that case, you can’t speak to anyone either, but it’s not like you do that anyway,” you said simply, biting down on your lip to prevent laughing. Zandik immediately scowled at your statement.
“I don’t need, want, or care to speak to anyone. But since you clearly need to be around these low-tier scholars, you can get out this instant.” You couldn’t help but double over with giggles now at his defensiveness and landed on Zandik’s bed. He huffed. You loved when he acted like this.
“Ah, I’m so glad I asked to dorm with you,” you giggled with a dopey grin. Zandik paused his work, taking in what you just said.
“You… what?”
You turned to lay on your side and propped yourself up on your arm. “Hmm? Did I say something strange?” you questioned.
“You chose to live here? With me, of your own choice? I knew it was strange when the counselor chose me of all people. Surely there were others available?” Zandik was utterly baffled as he had now temporarily abandoned his tinkering to gauge your expression.
“Yes! Shall I recount the exact events for you?” Without waiting for an answer, you prattled on. “Okay so, I went to the counselor lady and she wanted me to dorm with this random guy, and I was like okay cool, but then I got this little sneak peek of the list she had and I saw your name in fancy handwriting. And then I was like, hey, that’s the smart cute morally dubious guy that I hear people talking about! So then I said, nah, give Zandik to me instead please- hey, why is your face kind of red?” 
You ended your little rambling and sat up straight, leaning into your roommate’s face. “Hey, are you embar-” Before you could finish your sentence, he quickly spun back around to face his desk, trying to block out your incessant giggling.
“Shut up,” he hissed in reply, quick to defend himself. “No one in this school would willingly live with me.” And how dare you call him that? That… c-word.
“Well,” you clutched your chest to prevent any more laughter, “That’s clearly not true anymore, because I’ve been here for quite a while! But wow, your face!” You toppled back onto his bed grinning. He swore you were brain-dead. 
Zandik hated you.
IV. like-mindedness
Zandik did not like being in public. That was something you came to realize and understand rather quickly. For the most part, you had no qualms with it. You were quite content with bantering with him in the privacy of the dorm or in the desert or forest looking for whatever specimens he wanted. There were no distractions, no other people to give you weird stares or looks.
It was another normal day for you, and you came to realize that you’d actually been living with Zandik for quite a while. You liked to think that you two were rather close now. The time had flown by quickly for you, but apparently very long for others. To say people were baffled was an understatement. 
People were shocked, fascinated, intrigued, fearful, any word you could think of, at how you managed to dorm with Zandik and still be alive, mentally and physically. Many people even applauded you for managing to live with Zandik for so long. You had people coming up to you asking for tips on how you confronted your fears so easily. The crazier ones even wanted to write a paper on your mental fortitude. (Thankfully your roommate hadn’t found out about that yet.)
Today, however, the two of you decided to stop by Puspa Café after class. It was a nice day to dine outside, and the coffee and food there was excellent. You had no complaints, especially since this was your first time doing this kind of thing with Zandik. It was going quite well, as the two of you read over your notes in silence until whispers began to penetrate the tranquility.
“Hey, look over there. Is that Zandik?”
“Oh wow, you’re right! This is my first time seeing him outside of class.”
“Really? This is my first time seeing him in general.”
“Well yeah, he only goes to class and then back to his dorm. Everyone knows he’s a freak.” Their blathering continued and you twitched your eye, unable to concentrate. You peaked at Zandik but he looked unbothered.
“We’re right in front of them and can still talk about you like that?” You were simultaneously shocked and impressed at their audacity and stupidity. Zandik simply shrugged his shoulders, his uncaring attitude shining through as he was practically immune to these kinds of scenarios now. You huffed and flipped a page in your book. Sometimes you wished you could borrow some of his ability to not care what people think.
But there was only so much you could take. And Archons above, these scholars and their incessant talking were annoying. You had no idea how Zandik could continue to read so intently with this racket. At least he was more pretty when he was quiet.
Slowly you stood up, and Zandik glanced at you, a bit confused but not too interested, still absorbed in his own book. His eyes returned to the text, but then he heard a loud thump from the side. Now more of his attention was on you, as he saw you now closed the thick book shut.
“[Name]?” he questioned, raising an eyebrow. You were now retrieving some Mora, probably for the bill, and laying it on the table. “Do you have business to attend to?”
“Business? You know what, yes, yes I do,” you chuckled a bit eerily. “But it’ll only take a couple of seconds.” With that, you picked up the textbook and lifted it up and down like a weight. Finally, you positioned yourself properly and raised your arm toward the direction of the student.
You threw the fucking textbook.
It was a sight that Zandik would never forget. A heavy book that would hurt anyone’s arm from lugging it around, flew through the air, and with uncanny precision, knocked the scholar right in the face.
It was dead silence for a few seconds.
And then chaos.
Screams erupted from the other students at the table at the sight of their fallen friend. A commotion was born as people scrambled to the boy. Zandik was having a bit of trouble comprehending what just happened. Yes, he just understood that you just threw a textbook at a guy, but he did not understand at the same time. Even he knew not to harm someone in public. (Private was a different case.) And you did it with no hesitation, no logical thought process of what would happen. It was an activity far from what most scholars did.
While he was in a little stupor, you quickly pushed your papers into your bag and slung it over your shoulder. “Hey! Teyvat to Zandik! Don’t just sit there! We have to leave the scene!” you scolded him, taking initiative and stuffing his work into his bag as well. He wasn’t the most pleased with how you treated his precious research material but that was only a fleeting thought compared to what just occurred. You threw his bag over your shoulder as well and cursed at how heavy his damn textbook was. But what he did not expect was what you did next.
Rolling your shoulders back to prepare yourself for the weight, you then grabbed his hand and started pulling him away. 
Zandik then had no words to describe his emotions. He could only focus on the prickles that arose from all over his body at such prolonged and close contact with you. He was used to your teasing - running your hands through his hair on occasion, or leaning in close to his ear to whisper something, but this simply broke his scale. He felt as though he was moving unconsciously, feet moving in sync with yours, and he had no idea how to feel or even understand this phenomenon. 
“Hey, I know you can walk faster than that!” Your voice snapped him out of his unfamiliar sensations, and that’s when he realized what was happening. You had actually managed to drag him so far along that you were both probably halfway through the city looking like complete, bumbling fools. And you were still holding his hand, and that’s when he realized again how lovely you looked in this moment. He quickly discarded those thoughts.
“Release me this instant, [Name],” he threatened, immediately putting his vexed look back up. He could feel your warmth penetrating his whole body just from your hand.
“Sure, sure~! Let’s turn into this alley to hide,” He could tell that was a complete lie because your laugh was so loud it probably rang out all the way to Port Ormos. Zandik scoffed and bit his lip to prevent a smile.
Soon enough, you both reached a secluded part of the city, away from all the hustle and bustle and caught your breath. You slid down a wall in relief and closed your eyes while Zandik had his eyes trained on you for what you just put him through.
“Do you have anything to say for yourself?” he raised an eyebrow at your crazy behavior. You peeked at him and put your hand on your chin, in a thinking position.
“Hmm… well, that was quite fun, was it not?!” you tried to keep a straight face but you could not help but laugh at your friend’s incredulous expression.
“You- we, we are going to get in trouble with the dean you know. And the counselors,” he said, trying to bite down the smile that kept rising when he remembered the expression on the assaulted student’s face.
“We’ll be fineeeee,” you shrugged your shoulders and stretched your letters. “Haven’t you gotten into more trouble with the head administration with your little controversial experiments? Besides, if we’re lucky, he’ll be too scared to report the incident,” you laughed, completely nonchalant about what you just did.
“Hmph. The blame is on you if anything happens,” he attempted to speak in an irritated voice, but he could not help but be amused. A bit elated, even. There were many people he wanted to see get chucked with a textbook. And do worse things too.
But a bit of the thrill came from how you did that with no hesitation. It was a… strange feeling to have someone do that for him. Actually, this whole relationship was strange. You were strange. Even he felt strange. He was honestly a straight-up asshole to you sometimes, like he was to everyone else. But that didn’t drive you off. You still did things for him. You still spoke to him. You didn’t want anything in return, not money, not knowledge, not relics, but perhaps what you did want was-
Zandik stopped that line of thoughts in its tracks, trying to ignore how his hand was all tingly from you holding it. Things were fine this way, he declared. He could not admit he was enamored with you. Nothing needed to change. He had to maintain his view of you, otherwise… 
“You know, I’m surprised I even got you to do that. Did you hit your head too?”
“Shut up.”
Zandik hated you.
(You two did get into trouble. The Akademiya assigned you an apology essay which Zandik refused to do so you had to write two separate essays for each of you. With some begging, he did your homework for you in return, and somehow managed to get the blood stain off of that textbook you had thrown. You didn’t question where he learned that.)
V. kindness
It had been years since that fateful day, the time when you first moved in with Zandik. The Akademiya was a long and arduous grind, but that was to be expected. Your friendship with Zandik was one you cherished more than most things.
To say the two of you were close was an understatement. You still remember the counselor’s expression when you told her how well the two of you were getting along, and that there was no need for you to ever switch roommates. You think she became afraid of you too after that.
Tonight was a relaxed night. Zandik and you were not doing any work, simply laying side by side on his bed. (Even though he always threw fierce words at you, you knew he liked your touch.)
In the beginning, you would never be able to tear him away from that desk, but with time comes new things. You were just happy he was getting more hours of sleep.
The two of you lied in the dark as usual, simply enjoying the cool Sumeru breeze and the muffled noises from the city. You learned to grow content with these simple moments. But tonight you felt like talking.
“Hey, Zandik?”
“Hm?”
“Remember when you met me?” You could feel his head shift to look at you, probably for asking such a dumb question.
“Yes, I do. Too well, actually.”
“What was your first impression of me?” you questioned, realizing you never actually asked him that.
“That you were quite annoying and a thorn in my side.”
Anyone else might have been hurt by these words, but you did not mind. He made it pretty obvious that was how he felt in the beginning anyway, so it was no surprise. “But what about now?”
“You’re fine.” Even in the dark, he could feel your pout and pleading eyes. “And your intelligence and helpfulness deserve to be praised, I suppose.” And then he could feel your smile grow as your face was partially on his shoulder. From then the conversation flowed through many things. That research paper you two were working on, some kind of experiment he wanted to do on you (he swore it was painless), about that one scholar who was always annoying during the lectures.
The more you spoke, the more you realized how much of your life centered around being with Zandik here. You didn’t know if you ever wanted to graduate. To ever be apart from him.
“You know, I’ve been thinking. How long do you think we’ll live here?”
“Hmm, it’s hard to say. The benefits the Akademiya provides are far too good to let go of now. Speaking of that, there’s somewhere I want to visit.” 
“Oh, you mean those hidden ruins you think are connected with Khaenri’ah?” How nice it would be if you could just drape your arm over his chest.
“Yes. Though I don’t know if the Akademiya will let me make another trip back to the desert as of right now,” he pondered.
“Are you referring to how you’ve been on the Matra’s watch list for years? So they started following you everywhere?” you giggled.
“Not just me. You too, [Name],” he rolled his eyes. “At least I never threw a book at someone in public.” You pouted and playfully punched his arm.
“C’mon, that was so long ago! You can stop bringing it up!” you whined. He would never let that go, huh? The conversation died down from there, but it was a comfortable silence, which you loved. After that little banter, your eyes began to droop and you yawned. Zandik glanced at you.
“Tired?” You nodded and blearily rubbed your eyes.
“Sleep, then,” he commanded, and you had no qualms with following that. Soon enough, Zandik was the only one left awake, staring out at the open window. He had found these little resting sessions of yours good for clearing his mind. He closed his eyes too. 
Two people, on the same tiny, college-sized bed, arms brushing each other and talking nonchalantly. Totally, two good friends.
Friends. Friends, friends, friends. Long ago, the word left a distasteful feeling in his mouth, and it still did, but not for the reason he originally felt. Now, what he desired was more complicated.
Zandik hated you.
VI. endless
Zandik knew he would be expelled from the Akademiya soon, for the crimes he committed. And yet, instead of preparing for any future plans, he found himself following the directions of a note you left on his workbench. Meet me at our usual spot, 8 PM.
He was a busy man, more so in soon-to-be exile. He didn’t have time for your frivolous games. But for some reason, he found himself heading over to the cliff anyway. It was dark outside, but the stars illuminated your figure, and that was when he noticed the basket next to you as well. You noticed him and sat up eagerly.
“Hey, you made it! I was worried you wouldn’t come, to be honest.”
“...What is this?”
“Eh? A picnic, of course. The weather is real perfect for one.”
He was so astonished that the laugh building in his throat could not come out immediately. Surely you were aware of what he had done? Practically everyone in the Akademiya knew. You couldn’t walk for five minutes without hearing rumors floating around. Or perhaps you were that oblivious?
“Oh really?” His familiar, eerie laugh that you loved finally rang out. “Did a Ruin Guard finally toss you around well enough? Only an idiot wouldn’t know what I’ve-”
“I mean, do killers not like picnics anymore?” You replied so nonchalantly, he was actually a bit shocked. 
“You’re… you’re frustrating,” he murmured.
The way you managed to make him so tongue-tied all the time made him itch to put you in your place, to snap back somehow, but he found himself unable to lately. Actually, he struggled to do that for a while now, and he despised how you made him feel like a bumbling fool.
“Heh, perhaps some of your unhingedness rubbed off on me,” you shrugged, patting down the spot next to you. “Look, I made samosas for you again.”
The blanket was soft and comfy, and though he didn’t care much for the flavors of food, he did enjoy your cooking. You continued to polish off your meal before you spoke again.
“So, I hear you’re going to be expelled soon.”
“Correct. Though I care little for this place, it’s a shame to lose a suitable environment for my research.”
“Have you decided where you’re going? I’m sure you’re not planning to stay exiled in the desert for the rest of your life,” you hummed. “Leaving this country, perhaps?”
“That seems to be the most logical action. There is nowhere in this nation that would fund my research.”
“I see. You’re going far away from here.” Zandik nodded in reply, but the more he thought about it, the more irritated he felt. Far away from here meant far away from you.
To think he felt no remorse for murder but he felt a tingle of emotion (sadness? regret? anger?) at no longer being with you. Whatever it was, it left a bitter taste in his mouth. He loathed to admit it, but he enjoyed your company. He enjoyed dragging you out of bed in the morning, and he enjoyed you dragging him to bed at night. He enjoyed your bantering, your inquisitive nature towards his work. He enjoyed being the only person you’d treat like this and having one person to himself. Zandik enjoyed you, thoroughly and fully.
“Well, keep me updated. I already got my bags packed and ready to go.” 
“What?” A quirk of yours, he realized, was being able to leave him surprised at the most unpredictable times. Although scholars must plan for every possibility, he found it difficult to prepare for yours.
“I’m coming with you, of course. You’re gonna need your number one assistant with you. Hey, why’d you stop eating? We still need to get through the Padisarah Pudding.”
“You? Accompany me?” All of a sudden, everything made perfect sense. Yes, of course! You were right, he thought, as a fit of laughter overcame him. It was a splendid idea, one that pleased him immensely. Having you with him would be a great asset for his research. No one suited the role better than you. And you, in general, were… nice. You didn’t grate on his nerves like everyone else.
“Ha! Good! Amazing, even! I shall be sure to tell you when we depart from this nation of fools.” You raised your eyebrows at his sudden enthusiasm, but witnessing Zandik’s bursts of inspiration was nothing new to you either. 
“Well, glad to see you’re so keen on it,” you chuckled. “But I have a request. Actually, it’s more like something I have to say to you before we embark on this. It’s crucial, really.”
“Oh? Do tell.” He wasn’t rich, but he had the ability to procure a wide variety of items. The Nation of Wisdom was more corrupt than one would think. But he did wonder what you would ever want. You didn’t chase after material goods like the majority of humans.
“To be frank, I like you,” you declared, looking right into his eyes. At that moment, it felt like the world had gone silent. The wind stopped blowing, the animals lied low, the grass no longer rustled. “I like you. I want to be more than just friends with you,” you stated bluntly. You felt that getting straight to the point was the best course of action with Zandik, since many things besides his research and manipulating people tended to go over his head.
“So, what do you say?”
There was no response. You attempted to build your case.
“By the way, did you think I’d go through all this trouble if I didn’t want to be with you? I didn’t dorm with you for no reason, you know.”
“...”
“For such a smart guy, you aren’t very good at this, are you? Well, I can’t be too mad. I’ve been dealing with the denseness for a few years now. You know, I’ve been making the first moves this whole time.”
“...” 
The lack of response was beginning to make you nervous. You preferred the maniacal laughter of rejection at this point. “H-hey, I’d like a reply, you know. You don’t need to accept-”
Zandik thought. And he found that the words he spoke next were genuine.
“I find you… agreeable as well.”
You couldn’t help but throw your head back and laugh, shoulders now relaxed. “Why, such an amazing compliment from the high and mighty Zandik has me even more lovestruck!” He wanted to be mad, he really did, but it was at this moment he understood what it meant to be mesmerized by another person. He had found himself mesmerized by ancient machines, ruins, texts, his research. But he truly found you beautiful, your giggles echoing through the night.
“I’m agreeable, yes?” You turned to face him, your body leaning in closer to his. “Am I agreeable enough to do… this?” You tentatively glided your fingers over his hand, gauging to see how far Zandik would let you go. He stiffened at the foreign contact, clearly unused to it, but let you continue.
“What about this?” You slid your hand up and down his arm, keeping your eyes on his face the whole time. He tried not to show any emotions, besides a half-hearted scowl, but you could still see the red tips of his ears. He was so cute.
You scooted closer to him and let your other hand rest on Zandik’s thigh. “I think I’m much more than agreeable in your books,” you teased, cupping his cheek. He scoffed in response but did nothing to refuse your advancement. You leaned in and connected your lips with your lover’s. It felt damn good. Zandik had no idea what he was doing, but it was endearing nonetheless. You kissed him again, and again, and he reciprocated, albeit a little awkwardly. Your heart soared as you pulled away, and placed a few final kisses on his cheeks.
“Now, how did that feel?” You already knew the answer to that, of course. You knew Zandik for a long time, and could tell when he was in a shitty mood, a bad mood, a grumpy one, an excited one, a happy one, and much more. This mood was one you haven’t seen until now, but it sure was a good one. Completely flustered was a great look on him.
“I… I cannot come to a definitive answer as of now. I would say that I need to carry out some more experiments to reach a conclusion.”
“Oh? Then I’m a willing participant for however long as you want,” you smiled, finding comfort in his soft, teal locks. 
And that’s when Zandik truly realized. You were more tolerable than the rest. You were bearable enough to want to keep you around forever. Smart enough for him to desire to hear your honeyed voice. Soft enough to want to feel your skin against his. Ah, he would never say it though, as he brushed his lips over yours once again.
Zandik loved you.
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