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#i am loathe to use that term but if anyone in the world is that its him

targaryenluvs · 1 year

Note

Kaz x Jesper x reader that doesn’t like being touched for long periods of time

Baby Steps

kaz x fem!reader x jesper

warnings: touch aversion, comfort?

a/n: i didn’t really know how to put this into a story so i decided to do headcannons, im sorry if this isn’t what you had in mind!

- There would be so much understanding from both of them in my opinion.

- Since Kaz himself has a strong aversion to touch he wouldn’t even be approaching you with touch anyway.

- Kaz would 100% be dumbfounded.

- He’d never encountered someone who shared his condition and he’d silently appreciate the fact that you’d never expect him to work on his aversion in order to be with you. That you’d never pressure him into anything or expect a lot in terms of physical intimacy.

- But you both shared the frustrations.

- When the other person is looking absolutely gorgeous beyond words and all you want to do is hug them, to play with their hair, kiss them etc. Having a hollow feeling inside when Jesper would be so overly affectionate when around everyone else but feel like he had to change how he acted when it came to the two of you.

- You never wanted him to change. Neither did Kaz. As much as he acts as if Jespers over the top self annoyed him, he more so envied him. Jesper never has to worry, he doesn’t need stupid gloves every day to keep him calm. He can drink and eat anything without feeling like the world is crushing down on him.

- He doesn’t look in the mirror and loathe.

- But what he hates most of all is that he can touch you. And Kaz can’t.

- You hadn’t had a traumatic background that had scarred you to the point of aversion and panic attacks.

- At times touch just became too much. Your senses would feel as if they were on fire. Like anything touching you felt as if bugs were crawling all over you. You could handle smaller things in smaller batches.

- It was nowhere near as intense as Kaz but it happened usually during the day. You’d be holding hands with Jesper and you’d suddenly drop his hand and walk with distance between the two of you.

- During the start of your relationship you hadn’t told either of them.

- So imagine Jespers surprise when you swatted his hand away whilst the three of you were in Kaz’s office.

“What was that for!” Jesper yelled as he cradled his hand. You frowned, “I didn’t- I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry.” Jesper tilted his head, “Is this for eating your chicken last night? I am sorry you know, but it smelt, amazing.” He dragged out.

“No that’s- you ate my food? I blamed Matthias! Poor guy was as red as the blood on Kaz’s cane.”

Kaz glimpsed down at his cane, he cleaned it everyday, not a speck of blood, poor analogy.

“It’s just, sometimes when I’m being touched, I have to pull away. I don’t know how to explain it but I just, sometimes it’s too much and I can’t handle it. I’m sorry if that disappoints you-”

“Don’t apologise for it. I don’t.”

You smiled gratefully at Kaz as he made eye contact with you. Jesper rested his hand by yours on the desk, “You don’t have to force anything. If you feel like pulling away, pull away. Thank you for telling us, I promise you don’t have to. Not like Kaz makes any effort to touch me, it’s been a long time.”

“Say one more word and I’ll tell her about Milo.”

Jesper gasped as he brought his hand to his heart, “I’m proud of Milo. Whatever makes you think I wouldn’t tell anyone about my baby?”

“Who’s Milo?”

“Milo is Jes’s-”

Jesper shot up from his seat and pointed accusingly at Kaz.

“Don’t you dare!”

As frustrating it was for Jesper to have not one, but two partners with aversions he wouldn’t trade it for the world.

He loved you both and you’d work on your barriers together,

Baby Steps.

#kaz brekker x fem!reader #kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker fluff #kaz and jesper #jesper x reader #jesper fahey x reader #shadow and bone x reader

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youryurigoddess · 6 days

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The Small Back Room — Hour of Glory (1949)

Good Omens 2 begins with the visit to The Small Back Room not because it was meant to serve as an exposition scene for Maggie and her record shop. It’s a substantial foreshadowing of the main plot and the relationship changes between Aziraphale and Crowley.

As all the other classics referenced throughout the show, this 1949 Powell and Pressburger production is easily available online — whenever you have 100 minutes to spare, I highly encourage you to watch it.

Our story begins with the arrival of Stuart, a British military captain, who makes his way through a labyrinth of offices towards a small building — the research section led by an eccentric, queer-coded, bow tie wearing professor Mair — to ask for help with a secret Nazi weapon.

That’s when the professor calls our hero, Sammy Rice — an engineer and bomb disposal expert in the service of Her Majesty’s government and, not accidentally, the most brooding, wounded man in Powell and Pressburger’s impressive canon of dysfunctional and alienated characters.

Due to a prosthetic foot keeping him from active service and confining to work in the titular back room instead, Rice is dramatically slipping into alcoholism. Haunted by self-loathing and disappointment with the internal politics, he can’t see the point of his research anymore.

Sammy is also conducting a clandestine affair with the secretary of his research unit, Susan. They live in the same building and meet regularly, but can’t openly enjoy their company or even dance due to his injury, which makes him even more bitter and pathologically determined to wear her angelic patience down.

Susan puts up with it until the minister is forced to resign. She knows that if non-scientists take over, their section will become useless, Rice even more difficult, and the war possibly lost. She urges him to take action and when he dramatically refuses to make a difference, she leaves him.

Seemingly at his lowest now, Rice becomes a sudden chance to redeem himself. Captain Stuart calls him about two unexploded booby traps found in Wales, but left to himself, he dies during a heroic attempt to dismantle one of the thermos-like devices before our engineer arrives at the scene.

In a nerve-jangling finale, Stuart’s notes help Rice dismantle the second device. He becomes a hero, gets an officer commission as head of the new scientific unit, and discovers that Susan not only came back in the meantime, but repaired everything he drunkenly destroyed in the apartment after their breakup.

The parallels seem straightforward enough for me to add that in this context the role of Maggie through most of S2 may particularly reflect Crowley’s stagnancy in both work and love life. And if you’re unsure why the demon identifies with the heroic roles and characters, you might want to read this post on the subject.

Now, The Small Back Room was distributed in the US under another title — Hour of Glory. Which happens to be a specific Bible term referring to Christ’s “hour”, the period supposed to consummate all of his work on Earth and reveal God’s ultimate plan of salvation: the Son’s death.

John 12:20-36 Jesus replied, “The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me. Now my soul is troubled, and what shall I say? ‘Father, save me from this hour’? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify your name.” Then a voice came from heaven, “I have glorified it, and will glorify it again.” The crowd that was there and heard it said it had thundered; others said an angel had spoken to him. Jesus said, “This voice was for your benefit, not mine. Now is the time for judgment on this world; now the prince of this world will be driven out. And I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all people to myself.”

Christ’s hour began in the garden — this time the garden of Gethsemane — as he prayed passionately for the cup to be passed from him, similarly to Aziraphale declining Metatron’s offers on screen, both regarding the hot drink and his reinstatement as part of the Heavenly Host:

Luke 22:42 “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”

All throughout the Old Testament, we see God’s wrath being described as a cup poured out on sin and those guilty of it. By accepting it, Jesus took the toll of all the sins — from Eden up until the last one to be committed right before his Second Coming — on himself, for the sake of his beloved humanity.

The passion of Christ continued as Judas betrayed him with a kiss, his disciples abandoned him, and the high priest accused him of crimes he was not guilty of. Even Pilate, the prefect of Rome, pretended to uphold the law; and remember we already expect a S3 trial based on another Archers movie.

All in all, it’s an hour of great injustice and pain, but also glory of God. We’re led to believe that the Ineffable Plan will similarly triumph over the great one (or whatever Metatron tries to implement at the moment), as it did in S1. And its ending will be a good one, back in a garden.

#bible fanfiction #actually quoting bible #cup of suffering #give me coffee or give me death #the small back room #hour of glory #good omens #good omens meta #good omens analysis #final fifteen #crowley #crowley is a superhero #aziraphale #supreme archangel aziraphale #ineffable husbands #yuri is doing her thing #drinking coffee #an oat milk latte with a dash of almond syrup

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cosmicbucket · 4 months

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this is by no means an educated and informative post but rather a severe understatement of the rage i feel over the interview regarding one Gale Dekarios.

under the cut is a stronger criticism on the narrative's integrity with this ending; everything before that is tearing into the lead writer's statements.

note that I will be referencing other companions as contrast. this is not supposed to be tearing them down nor casting shade on anyone who enjoys these characters; i am trying to make a point through relevant comparison.

-----------------------------------------------

"the guy who starts off annoying everyone" that is such a blatantly subjective thing to say about a character.

for me personally, i Loathed shadowheart at first because of the immediate fantasy racism towards lae'zel. this is very clearly a subjective opinion as she's the most romanced companion, and I'm not mad about that in the slightest! she rocks! you can't judge a character on behalf of everyone ever. that's a foolish thing to do, full stop.

"constantly asking you to give him your most treasured possessions to eat" three times. he asks you for a magical item, three times. after that you are NEVER required to part with a magical item on his behalf again.

the game practically THROWS magic items at you for completing side quests, looting crates and chests. magic items are in ABUNDANCE and a lot of them won't be useful to your party depending on your companions and your chosen class. meanwhile, astarion's peculiar diet lasts the entire span of the game, creating a situation where should you choose to let him feed on you every night, you suffer a penalty to attack rolls, saving throws and ability checks OR waste a spell slot to remove the condition. astarion is most certainly in no shortage of fans and again! he rocks! but by comparison his effect on the player can stretch so far as to affect the final boss battle. gale's condition doesn't even make it past the end of act 1.

"at the end, he gives himself for the world" is it worth it though. is it really seriously worth it.

you can still defeat the elder brain yourself. it's not impossible. hell, with the right spells it's really fucking easy. are you seriously going to rob yourself of the satisfaction of defeating the final boss by sending someone to their death instead and calling it a day.

I can understand the narrative catharsis of a character who is so selfish, constantly, over and over, doing something selfless for the greater good.

But that just is not what Gale's story is.

Gale is ambitious and boastful, certainly. Gale is not selfish.

His attempt to impress Mystra - The Mother of Magic, Goddess of the Weave - came from a want to be equals with his partner. He explains how she refused to allow him to witness the depths of magic, and while that's a reasonable thing to enforce to a regular mortal, she had made him her Chosen, her lover. I would hope I don't need to delve into the blatant grooming (ie Elminster approaching Gale at the age of eight) and the obvious power imbalance between a goddess and a mortal in a relationship, but his desires - ambitious as they were - were not selfish.

When he asks for the player's assistance, he does so knowing that he's asking a lot from them, especially in terms of trust. While it's easy to see his pushiness for magic items as self-serving, it is quite literally a much larger problem than him. The damage he's capable of "could level a city", and that affects not just your party but the surrounding area for miles. His urgency, his impatience, comes from having to rely on someone else who might not respect the gravity of the situation (which, evidently, a lot of players don't.)

When he realises the magic items are doing nothing to prevent his hunger, he lays it out plainly to the player, apologising for having broken their trust, and gives them the choice to send him away to certain death with no hard feelings. He even explains his plan to find an Absolutist base and hopefully destroy that in order to aid you in his death, should you choose to kick him out. This is in Act 1, way before any massive character developments - that is to say, he is unselfish from the start.

Come Act 2, when Elminster tells Gale that Mystra expects him to detonate the orb to kill the Heart of the Absolute, Gale is immediately willing. He will answer to his goddess' whims without so much as a query. You don't have to convince him to do it - rather, it becomes your choice to convince him not to do it.

And you do have to convince him! You have to actively make the choice, over and over again, to say no, we can find another way. You are not dying today.

Even in Act 3, should you take him through Zethino's Love Test, you are able to call him out for his greatest flaw:

"He thinks he, and the world, might be better off if he were dead."

I am not calling him selfless by any means; he is not a paragon of virtue. He is, however, a character whose hubris (spurred by an abusive relationship with a goddess) is amply punished, so much so that he believes this punishment is entirely deserved. He is a victim of grooming who is told to kill himself in order to gain forgiveness for trying to be equals with his partner, who took advantage of him as a child.

What kind of message is Larian trying to make here? What are they trying to tell their audience? What are they saying to people who relate to Gale?

It's fucking horrible. Do better.

#rant post #rant #tw grooming #grooming #gale bg3 #bg3 gale #gale dekarios #gale of waterdeep #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #baldurs gate gale #baldurs gate 3 spoilers #baldurs gate three #baldur’s gate iii #baldurs gate 3 #i really don't have anything else to say #ask to tag #if i've missed anything feel free to shout in the comments or rbs #i started writing this at 3:30am. it's been two hours. goodnight

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inbarfink · 3 months

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Okay, so, an RGU Good Omens AU with Utenanthy = Ineffable Husbands is already a very solid idea that works very well. Like, it is pretty funny to think how totally contrasting these characters’ core aesthetics are (especially Aziraphale and Utena) but when you get deep down to these characters’ core issues and narrative roles there’s a lot of parallels you can use. Crowley and Anthy both suffer from self-loathing due to being labeled as Ontologically Evil while trying their best to relish in it, self-sacrificing to a fault while also harboring some deep-rooted resentments. Utena and Aziraphale are both incredibly well-meaning in a very endearing way but are also so blinded by their deeply-ingrained black-and-white conceptions of how the world should work that it makes them stupidly oblivious and harmful to the one they love. I can go into it even more deeply, but it works pretty damn well…

And now I am thinking, if there’s any interesting ways to slot in the rest of the cast (Shadow Play GIrls = Agnes Nutter???). More specifically right now I am considering if there’s anything interesting I can do with the whole Gabriel/Beezlebub thing.

Because, like, my initial plan was maybe everyone in the Student Council as Angels, everyone who was a Black Rose Duelist a Demon and anyone who’s in neither category is Human. And… the whole point of the Black Rose Duelist is that most of them are deeply emotionally connected to a member of the Student Council. But also…… Most of these relationships are not ones that I can see getting any sort of happily ever after up in the stars. Even by RGU standards.

I mean… I think the closest option with this idea is Gabriel!Juri and Beelzebub!Shiroi which… I mean, it can work. That’s, arguably, RGU’s second-or-third biggest ‘ship’, and there’s plenty of thematic parallels you can make between Juri/Shiori and Utena/Anthy. My main reservation about this idea is just that… I just find it hard to imagine Juri/Shiori as the ‘B-Couple’ who sort-their-shit-out while the main couple is still deep in the Drama. Even when this main couple is Utena/Anthy, this is kind of a tough sell.

The other thing I was thinking about is that, like……. The best choice for a Gabriel in this AU should obviously be Touga, right?? Like, we’ve got this smarmy macho incredibly hateable guy who seems to just be a contrast to our Good Duelist/Angel to make them look better but… whoops! Turns out they’re actually Narrative Counterparts with a lot of things in common! And it’s kinda about giving this shitty guy redeeming qualities but also it’s mostly about deconstructing the flaws of our ‘good one’. In terms of both characterization and narrative roles, Touga is the best choice for the Archangel Fucking Gabriel.

And Touga’s Black Rose ‘counterpart’ is Keiko. Which like… okay, she can work as a Beezelbub. I mean, the closest thing for an animal motif/Demon Fursona we’ve got for her is the title of her focus episode (“Vermin” or more literally “Troublesome Insects”), so from this angle, this could work.

But like… it’s Keiko. The whole point of her character is that she is a Forgettable Side Act that Touga doesn’t really care about and no other main character really pays attention to either. Making her Lord Beezlelbub feels like missing the point.

On the other hand, we could just throw away this whole Student Council/Black Rose Heaven/Hell dichotomy idea and go with the character Touga is actually frequently paired with, Saionji. These two actually kinda work as ‘B-Couple who sort their shit out before the main couple does’. I mean… It's clear they’ve got a few issues to work on, but they do reach a reconciliation before the climax of the actual show. I think that does kinda work?

Or maybe we should swap Demon/Angel roles on Touga/Saionji. I mean, I know I went over why Touga is the perfect Gabriel choice but… Saionji works decently well too. And mostly I just think it’ll be funny to play with the whole ‘Crowley fucking hates Gabriel’ thing with Anthy and Saionji lol

Or… if Saionji is Gabriel, then maybe ‘his’ Black Rose Duelist could be Beezelbub? Namely Wakaba? But that also clashes into a lot of the same thematic problems as Keiko above. I mean, not to the same level…. But still….

Or maybe, we can bring the whole Juri-Gabriel idea back, and go with the Juri/Wakaba angle that the Movie teased. You know, with the whole Juri is driving Wakaba thing?

I mean, both Gabriel/Beezlebub and Juri/Wakaba are relationships that developed almost entirely off-screen so that’s also maybe an angle of comparison worth considering?

Hmmm… I think I still need to think about this for a while. See if there’s other options I haven’t considered. Maybe slot other characters into other roles and see what comes out of that… But you know what might help me decide?

That’s right! A Poll!

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nutterzebutters · 1 year

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Can we please talk about autistic grief,,

This is more so directed at when you've gone your whole life undiagnosed or something along those lines feeling internally isolated from the world and its inhabitants.. that something is inherently different, or even wrong with you.

And then come to find out when you understand autism is more than caterpillar toys that spell out words, tablets and puzzle pieces, that you learn your experience has a genuine name with so many other experiences just like yours and oh my god suddenly this all makes sense..

So you do research. Tons, and tons, and TONS of research, and you do nothing but relate but God forbid you tell anyone because "I don't see it." "You don't act like 'them'" "but you're so smart and pretty!"

Because it's a spectrum. Because it's not Asperger's, a Nazi term or next step in evolution, because you've always felt out of place and despite sharing interests there is still this invisible wall trying to push you away from the vast majority of your peers, your family, your sense of social security and self image. You start to think you're weird, and no matter how many times you encounter the opportunity to make this friend, this acquaintance or mutual- while you think "maybe this time it'll be different, maybe this time I can keep this relationship, whatever it may be,", you fail.

They look at you, they sense something's wrong, something's ... not quite right. Why do you give me that face? I answered at the right time, I said the right things, I did the correct actions and interactions, why do you ostracize me? I do not understand what I am doing wrong, I don't understand what's happening and why you tell others I'm weird, make kiddy rumors that because of that weirdness I must not be right in the head, that I'm wrong and contorted in my mind, that I'll be a different person when I grow up, one for you and those who are like you to look down upon.

It hurts. Peace is nowhere in sight and now the need to interact has been hidden away in a box.

Is this schizoid? EDD? Maybe? It's not just "shutting off my emotions," no it is deeper, more primal than that. Something else. But now I understand that yeah, it's autism and maybe now that I know, I can work with this and figure myself out. But no one really knows how to deal with us, I suppose. People will be angry, mean, yell obscenities and have blatant disrespect towards me for one of my actions until I say "hey! I'm autistic and unless you tell me calmly we're not getting anywhere with this!"

Sudden kindness and understanding, how I loathe it, shouldn't that have been there in the first place? Instead of yelling, making rumors, throwing insults and jokes that are meant to drive humiliation and lower self image. Now they switch. "autistic=baby voice" "autistic=lower intelligence" and yet... They're surprised that I AM smart, when I AM more successful than them, that I'm capable of kindness and just want to help.

And that isn't even close to scraping the end of the barrel.

I've been ridiculed by both family and peers, ostracized from family and people who I unfortunately mistake friendly as friends, I've been dragged through hell and back because my personal experience, abuse occurred. Instead of understanding I was usually met by passive aggressive lectures, demeaning comments about health and IQ, I've even been left in the cold with thin clothes not built for it. My offense? Apparently I had a texture issue with some ricotta cheese my mom knew I was also allergic too. All but one of the many things I've gone through on a daily for now more than 18 years yeah, my situation isn't the worst case scenario, and it's not even close to some of the obscenities human kind are capable of.

But it is one thing:

Bad. For better or for worse,, bad. And that is an understatement, to treat any human with insensitivity and beliefs that you can hurt their emotions without consequences is vile.

And what happens when you're sabotaged of a normal skill set because wow,, no matter how hard you tried you didn't understand what was wrong with you, so you couldn't fix it. It's a gut wrenching feeling, to say the least.

#autistic things #autistic problems #undiagnosed disability #autistic grief #rant post #important psa #lets chat #please rb #ok to interact

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auspicetaker · 11 months

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hi tumlr

my queue ran out and i’ve been too busy playing TotK to update it. i’ve been doing some personal writing today that’s probably not interesting to anyone else, but i’m putting it under the cut if you’re interested in reading me complaining about all my life problems and not doing anything to solve them.

5/31/2023

What’s my problem? Well…

… I’ve been bleeding continuously for months, maybe years. I’ve lost track. I’m on hormonal birth control to manage my brutal PMS symptoms (debilitating cramps, migraines so bad I can’t stand up, hellacious mood swings) but now I’m just on a low-grade period forever. Not sure what’s worse - the whiplash of the highs and lows of the natural cycle, or being stuck somewhere in the cycle eternally, not up or down, just blood and tissue leaking out of me day in and day out for months and months on end.

… I’ve been wishing to get on T for some time now. I want the facial and body hair, the husky voice, increased muscle mass, new stinky boy smells, a roughening of my too-delicate facial features. However, getting gender-affirming healthcare, even in a trans-friendly blue state like mine, is no small undertaking. Everywhere I’ve called is either not accepting new patients or has a prohibitively long waitlist. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist in a few months, but since he’s just a straight-world endocrinologist, not someone specialized in these things, I am extremely apprehensive he’ll just shut me down. It’s happened before. The T feels like a new avenue to pursue to deal with my endless, miserable bleeding, some different exogenous hormones instead of the estrogen I’ve been taking. It feels like a small glimmer of hope, so obviously I am already prepared to never get it, to have it be taken away if I do get it, or for it to not work out like I imagined.

… My job is falling apart at the seams. My colleague who was my greatest support was taken away from me about a month ago, unceremoniously laid off due to financial issues (concerning) and I’ve been floundering ever since. I made so much progress with my self-loathing and avoidance around work stuff, and it feels like I’ve taken eight steps back. No, not even that I took the eight steps myself, it’s like I was picked up by a giant claw and thrown all the way back to a more dysfunctional self. I had something good going, it felt tolerable, and now I am floundering, trapped with my stupid boss on his sinking ship.

… I need to work on my resumé, apply to other stuff. I have always hated job hunting. It is a particularly odious form of the sort of normal-person lying and deception that is necessary for survival in our society. Creating a version of myself that’s palatable to prospective employers, then scraping, bowing, and doing little dances to try and get their approval or consideration… it makes me sick. Part of what was so great about getting this job was that I don’t even think I ever gave my boss a resumé. He already knew me and I was able to just use that goodwill and prior record to pirouette into this current role. Which in retrospect may have been kind of a red flag.

… My mental health has taken a bit of a nosedive in these past few months. Part of it is that I’m tapering off of the antidepressants that I’d been taking for my entire adult life. I was doing okay, but there’s been a few stumbling blocks in a row and things are tough, now. Things I thought I was doing better with (self harm and suicidal ideation) are back in a big way. I’ve accepted that I’ll struggle for a while, maybe forever, but it’s a price I’m willing to pay for the return of my full range of emotions. Long-term SSRI use leaves you in a state of not-depression but also not-happiness. You don’t experience pleasure so much as you experience the absence of pain. For me, at least, I also experienced a profound dulling of what little creative impulses I had. On that front, tapering down SSRI’s has been revelatory - I feel like I’ve unlocked a long-buried self who desires to write and make art, who has aesthetic visions and preferences. I’m collaging again, making art in my journal, learning to make digital art on a tablet, creating wall collages in my room. It doesn’t feel like something new, it feels like something very old that I lost and am finally returning to. All this to say that I’ll take an uptick in my brain screaming for blood and death (god knows I experienced that already on my full dose of SSRI’s) to get a shred of that old self back, to feel the joy and thrill of creation again.

… Speaking of aesthetics, I’m so fucking sick and tired of all my clothes. I want something new but I don’t know exactly what. I’m tired of the black-and-green color scheme I’ve been rocking for the past 5 years. I’m tired of the skinny leg silhouettes and the too-small band tees. Again, I don’t know what I’d replace this all with. Shopping takes time and money, and I have little of either. In-person shopping is a sensorily draining and overwhelming experience, and online shopping leaves me either paralyzed with indecision or, worse, pulling the trigger impulsively and then wracked with regret. I have made a few stabs here and there towards a new personal aesthetic, getting colorful, oversized new button-down shirts, for example, but it’s slow going, and in the meantime I’m left with what I already have. And I’m so, so sick of it all.

… My house and my room are in a state of flux. My roommate is moving out, and my girlfriend is moving in. I’m sad to leave my roommate (nine years cohabitating!), apprehensive of change, but mostly excited. It’ll be incredible to have my girlfriend by my side all the time. That’s a dream. There are many, many nasty and frustrating corners of my room I keep saying I’ll deal with, and the clock is running out. My closet is a mess, my storage areas are inefficient and cluttered, and I simply cannot seem to get it together enough to do anything about any of it. Additionally, I decided I’d redo the peeling bathroom paint myself, even though we’re renting and it should be my landlord’s job, and it’s taking forever. I have very limited time and resources to deal with the many stages of scraping, stripping, sanding, spackling, priming, and repainting. The bathroom is currently in the “scraped and stripped” stage, but not yet in the “sanded, spackled, primed, and painted” stage, and it looks absolutely terrible. I feel stupid, panicked, overwhelmed just thinking about it. I’ve painted myself (ha ha) into a corner and I just have to keep going, despite the fact that I never want to look at the fucking bathroom ever again, at this point.

… There are other things that are necessary to my survival and health that I’ve been avoiding dealing with, or just haven’t had the resources to deal with. I’ve needed new glasses for months now but can’t seem to make myself do anything about it. It takes a Herculean effort just to go to work, cook food, do the dishes, and do my laundry, so higher-level tasks like “writing a resume” or “shopping for new jeans” or “making a necessary medical appointment” just keep getting pushed off for later. And later never comes.

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valiantturtleballoon · 2 years

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Stranger things Season 3 Character summaries (part 1)

Eleven: despite having superpowers, being such a badass and defeating ugly-ass monsters MULTIPLE TIMES, is discovering that because she is a women, she will be treated differently, almost as if she's "a different species"

Max: Is taking absolutely no crap from any boy or man and has taken Eleven under her wing. Doing the lord's work, this one. Also, now so much emotional baggage that she will require her own carousel for all the emotional baggage she has to cart around. But like all women and girls, she will handle it.

Mike: Has gone through an emotional rollercoaster that leads straight into an emotional washing machine on an extra vigorous spin cycle. I appreciate that the one thing this boy is sure of is that he loves Eleven, but he REALLY needed to give her a little more space to figure herself out.

Will: Innocent, pure cinnamon roll far too good for this world and FAR, FAR too good for Hawkins and all this crap. Is currently in full possession of a demo-dar which has proved to be quite useful. I wish he'd at least gotten to play one proper campaign of D&D. He deserves at least that much.

Lucas: Ingenious hero who saved everybody not once, but TWICE. But, boy oh boy, desperately needs to learn not to be giving out relationship advice if you've already broken up with your girlfriend 5 times buddy.

Dustin: Still Steve Harrington's #1 son. Has a girlfriend (no biggie), intercepts Russian communications with his own homebuilt device, you know, as you do. Still has a preference for profanity, specifically for the word "shit" in terms of crisis, naturally. And what else, oh yeah, HE SINGS. Honestly, this boy. As if he needed to get more adorable.

Erica: I cannot explain to you how much I love Erica's character. She is the embodiment of sass and she's smart. Like makes Dustin stop and think kind of smart. Excellent at maths and logic. Like she could probably do those stupid logic questions we've all had to do at some point in her sleep. Nobody wants to solve riddles and work this hard to figure out your fucking birthday Cheryl. Also, is who I want to be when I grow up. Erica. Not Cheryl. Cheryl can go bask in the knowledge of her birthday alone.

Nancy: Iconic. Did exactly what everybody told her not to do. Stumbled across something hella weird and continued to bravely march into creepy basements and hospital rooms. Doing most of this in pesky slingback shoes, mind you. A true hero.

Billy: Despite him being a douche for most of the second season and a possessed creepy Demogorgon slave for most of season three, we shall instead choose to remember that his last act was to sacrifice himself for the kids and move on.

Steve: I mean. This one. Just keeps getting better every damn season. Like it's hard to believe that there was ever a time I loathed him. The character growth that he went through with Robin - A+, the iconic I shall always protect the kids no matter what, even when I'm about to be tortured underground by Russian spies attitude - A+, the general disheveled bewilderment and yet general bad-assery - A+

Robin: I may just have to do a whole other post on Robin because I am in AWE. I wouldn't be able to do her justice in a few sentences. But oh man - I love her.

I may do a Part 2 if anyone is interested. Interact with this post in some way if you'd like a part 2.

#stranger things 2 #stranger things #dustin henderson #steve harrington #netflix #mike wheeler #eleven hopper #nancy wheeler #lucas sinclair #erica sinclair #mad max #billy #would take bullets demogorgons or nail bats for anyone from stranger things #stranger things 3 #will byers #robin stranger things #robin buckley

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aftokrator-official · 1 year

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musing on it and i feel like for each wt character i am drawn to whumping there is a distinct unique flavor that is especially tasty to me

yuuma: he is so small. he is SO SMALL. seemingly highly physically breakable while actually very physically and emotionally resilient makes me want to crunch him. force his bottled-up trauma to the surface, force him to feel his own weakness, take away his armor both literal and figurative and make him so, so very vulnerable 😌

jin: ripe for emotional whump, primarily. he has the weight of the world on his shoulders and he doesn't ever let himself stop. now he's in love with a dying boy and the future is bearing down on them both and jin can't help but take responsibility for all of it, it's what he does, it's who he is. how far can he push himself before he falls apart?

inukai: break that smiling mask of his and leave him raw and exposed, unable to handle the flood of his own emotions and trauma. without his facade he's empty underneath and he doesn't want anyone to see him like this, least of all the people he loves most. he can't ask for help. all he can do is hide, and wait for the ones who find him to turn away in disgust.

izumi: he's confident, high-spirited, more than a little cocky with the talent to back it up. i want him in over his head, overwhelmed by a situation so far outside his experience and training that he has no idea how to handle it and breaks himself to pieces in the attempt. i want him irrevocably changed, the painful contrast between izumi as he was and the quiet, subdued shadow left behind in the aftermath.

kikuchihara: break his spirit, even if he fights every step of the way until he has nothing left. he's strong, but fragile, and once he's isolated and helpless i don't think it'll take much to make him shatter. without all his bravado and sharp-tongued wit he is just so very small. utagawa holding him wrapped up in his arms, grounding him with the sound of his heartbeat, trying painstakingly and lovingly to put the pieces of him back together, desperate to protect him even if it's arguably far too late.

azuma: he is steady and calm and so incredibly kind, someone to be relied upon; the respect and love so many have for him speaks for itself. it's a special kind of cruelty to use that same kindness against him, make him helpless to protect the ones he feels responsible for, even make him complicit in their suffering. i want to strip away his dignity - and he'll do it himself, if he must, if that's what it takes to protect his own. give him guilt and self-loathing that eats him alive. he's always taking care of everyone around him and now those closest to him must do the same for him, even if they have no idea how.

ninomiya: you don't even need to torment him. he does that to himself. beneath that stoic facade he wants to desperately to believe in, he's a torrent of emotions he has no idea how to manage and deeply isolated by his own pride. and it will hurt him, breaking down those walls, even if it's for his own good. he needs azuma, willing to hold him down and look into his eyes and tell him in no uncertain terms, you are enough. i love you. (and if azuma is taken from him - well. what then?)

#world trigger #jinyuu #utakiku #azunino #whump #elcie thoughts

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madhogthymaster · 1 year

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Madhog’s Top 10 Games of 2022

Do you remember that popular coping mechanism that took root on the Internet in 2016? That time we were all shocked and appalled a Fascist demagogue was elected ruler of the so-called Free World? When some people on the more privileged end of the living spectrum came to the sudden realization that the Neoliberal sociopolitical establishment wasn't as "cool" as they thought it was, that the excesses of Capitalism begot the rise of Fascism, that Life wasn't "fair" under the rule of parasitic billionaires with the intellectual quotient of a 4chan forum? That last part is more of a recent collective realization but the point still stands. 2016 was a turning point for a lot of people, a fundamental shift in the manner by which they beheld the world around, above and below them. It was certainly traumatic to see the facade of Democracy crumble in front of our very eyes as History repeated itself. As such, new ways to deal with this experience had to be created on the spot.

This brings me back to my initial question: do you remember the trend of blaming individual years for how bad things were? This understandable yet profoundly flawed take that all of our deeply rooted societal maladies, the result of decades (if not centuries) of systemic injustices designed to keep the powerful in power, could be magically blamed to just one nasty solar cycle and not, say, literal human greed and widely platformed bigotry? I certainly remember it. I recall when "2016 was the worst year ever" and I remember when "2017 was actually the worst year" and I certainly have not forgotten how 2020 became the "ultimate worstest year" because of that pesky pandemic we all know and loathe.

Afterwards, the trend just stopped. Its existence became moot as the world never truly left 2020: there was still a pandemic, there were still the same sociopolitical issues, the spectre of all out Authoritarianism still hung above us, more vile and dangerous than ever before, with a new war on the horizon and human rights getting stripped away little by little, piece by piece. It became clear that "X is the Worst Year" wasn't working anymore as a coping mechanism, that the dark times would not suddenly go away at the break of dawn and that every single day felt a little more bleak, a little less hopeful...

So, anyway, 2022 sure was a bad year, uh? It was quite terrible on almost every possible front to the point that the pandemic felt like the least of our troubles - and that is, indeed, saying a lot. However, I will tell you it was actually a great time for videogame releases. I mean, the game industry as a whole is still wretched and dehumanizing as all facets of our corporate-led existence but, purely in terms of interactive videoludic titles we could actually play and enjoy, 2022 was one of the better times. As such, I have endevoured to write my own completely arbitrary, subjective end-of-the-year list of games I have liked the most, according to my own personal sensibilities which do not, in anyway, reflect anyone else's taste and opinions. This ranking shall be only comprised of games I played, not games some of you might have played, and it will not be based on any "objective metrics" taken from "professional review compiling websites" that some people on the Internet take as the Word of God. Essentially, this is my list and I do what I want with it. Is that clear? Splendid!

As an addendum, most entries in this article will come provided with a link to my original set of posts, impressions and sporadic thoughts I compiled on the various subjects in review over at the "Free Speech" website.

I am going to start this venture with the obligatory special mentions, titles that were almost good but didn't quite make the cut for different reasons. The "Close But No Cigar" category, if you will.

Digimon Survive (Hyde/Bandai Namco)

The disappointment is strong with this one: it stings my skin, envenomates my bloodstream and slowly kills the inner child living inside me, his corpse rotting within the deepest recesses of my blackened soul. Poetic license aside, the latest interactive entry in the classic "Monsters of the Digital Persuasion" franchise is the evident produce of a much troubled history as it very much feels like its narrative is the confounding result of two distinguished directions clashing with one another in a bid to deny each other's existence.

At its (gameplay) core, Digimon Survive is a perfectly fine, sufficiently engaging Tactical RPG, one that's uncharacteristically easy and accessible for a series usually lacking ease of access for newcomers. The tragic irony is that the meandering, messy, incoherent story of this game is decisively aimed exclusively at veteran Digimon fans: it builds itself off the original anime from 1999 and one's own nostalgia for it as a means to subvert expectations. It establishes all the familiar elements only to pull the rug from under the intended audience, to separate itself from the source material as much as possible, to take the franchise in a more perceived "mature" direction. That, in itself, was not the plot-destroying issue that plagued this game; what actually killed it was its bewildering decision to perform a 180° turn on its rug-pulling antics, place the carpet right back beneath our feet and pretend all of its tonal, thematic and narrative stakes made up to a point didn't matter. The attempted deconstruction of its own legacy effectively defaults to just a dull reconstruction of said legacy, thoughtlessly aping the happenings from the original show sans the necessary context to make any of it work. Whatever vision Digimon Survive might have had was systematically quashed by its unwillingness to commit to the bit. It's the kind of cope-out, faithless writing that I cannot condone. As the intended audience for this game, my heart weeps at the loss of potential.

Unhappy Raccoon (XD Inc.)

In many ways, the bizarrely named Unhappy Raccoon is very close to be my favoured Roguelike Action game experience. It is stylish, colourful, fast and approachable in terms of its difficulty. Unfortunately, it's a mobile title what comes with a certain amount of predatory in-game purchases and, as such, I cannot in good faith recommend it to anyone. That is a crying shame for I would have pleasurably shilled money to buy it had it been a release bereft of such unconscionable features. It also would have not hurt being able to play it with an actual controller, I'll tell you that much for free.

Sonic Frontiers (Sonic Team/SEGA)

(Link: read from bottom to top)

If I were a sodding believer of quantifying the value of Art through an arbitrary numerical score, then Sonic Team's latest "cute" effort would have been the embodiment of a 6/10 - and I am being generous here. It sports a solid core gameplay that lures you into its world with the promise of free roaming fun but it's ultimately burdened by too many terrible ideas, gimmicks and time-wasting nonsense to properly live up to its promise. My positive first impressions dissipate into unadulterated frustration as I am forced to stop playing a "Sonic" game I enjoy in order to herd a bunch of exploding critters, solve tedious puzzles or beat the world's worst pinball machine in order to earn "The Privilege" of fighting the area boss, all of which being close to unwieldy experiences at the best of times. The so-called plot isn't up to snuff, either. It's a title that feels simultaneously unfinished and overly designed, wrapped in a well-meaning yet misguided attempt to bring "depth" to its characters in a manner I would define as wholly unsatisfying. Its potential was limitless. Its execution, mediocre.

Fasten your seatbelts and hold on to your unsolicited opinions, oh dear readers. The real list begins now.

10) Lil Gator Game (MegaWobble/Playtonic Games)

(Link: read from bottom to top)

The most precious, adorable little gem with a deceptively clever shine to it. Lil Gator Game is built around a child's imagination as they play-pretend their way into a Zelda-esque adventure, with friends and strangers alike, in an elaborate scheme to convince their busy older sister to join. They waddle around wholesomely in a well-designed sandbox, wholesomely smashing cardboard monsters, talking to wholesome NPCs who are in on the "Lil Game" and generally exuding pure vibes of wholesomeness - with but a tinge of subtextual melancholy as the dreaded "grown up time" looms on the horizon. The strength of the conceit informs the execution of its themes, both mechanically and narratively.

The core design philosophy aims to break down the formula of its obvious inspirations (classic Nintendo releases from both the past and the present) to their fundamentals, resulting in a title that both plays as a child's idea of a heroic adventure and it's actually about the making of a child-friendly heroic adventure, literally. In other words, it's a videogame about making videogames which is presented through the allegoric lens of the titular gator building their titular game with their many pals, learning how hard yet fun it is to create, and reconnecting with their sibling who inspired them with her own game-making skills. Moreover, it is a celebration of childhood, its fun memories associated with playing (or gaming, if you will) and how they all inspire us to make our dreams a reality as we grow older. It's an utterly delightful experience and I might have wept openly by the end.

9) Beacon Pines (Hiding Spot/Fellow Traveller)

(Link: read from bottom to top)

We open on a dimly lit room, a dark and thunderous night, the perfect atmosphere to immerse yourself in suspenseful literature. As Luck would have it, there is a book on the table... The world in the said "book" comes to life, exuding an aesthetic of childlike innocence teetering at the edge of Change (the scary unknown, the adult realm) but still literally confined within the pages of Fate. Also, the animal characters are cute.

Beacon Pines is a branching path narrative game: it is presented as an old fashioned storybook with its setting sprouting into existence in the style of a Winnie the Pooh animation, lending credence to its Choose Your Own Adventure framing. This is, after all, a story about Change - as the narrator helpfully explains. Grounded in its thematic exploration yet increasingly more absurd as the stakes ramp up to eleven, the story does not have a single dull moment. You have yourself a solid Coming of Age tale juxtaposed to a Mid-Western town mystery. A classic recipe for gripping drama and comedy, in other words, enriched by its light choice-based gameplay to drive the point home. Did I mention the cast being cute?

8) Evil West (Flying Wild Hog/Focus Entertainment)

(Link: read from bottom to top)

Do you find yourself in the mood for a cheesy yet gratuitously violent action game from fifteen years ago, which was in itself trying to emulate the energy of a Hollywood Summer blockbuster from up to twenty-five years ago? Do you think you would have enjoyed the strategic mayhem of DOOM Eternal more if it had a bigger emphasis on melee combat and it was in third person? Well then, the mad lads responsible for this next title have made a game specifically for you and it's about repelling blood-thirsty vampiric abominations in the old Wild West.

The plot is irrelevant, the writing is lackluster and the characters are flat but none of that is actually important. All that matters is the enticing gameplay, the crunchy action, the surprisingly luscious environments, being able to uppercut a guy into a wall of dynamite and the gallons upon gallons of gore. It's a viscerally good time.

7) SIGNALIS (Rose Engine Games/Playism/Humble Games)

(Link: read from bottom to top)

An unrelenting descent into a realm of madness filled with horrors beyond imagination - and a savvy injection of android anime babes, for good measure. SIGNALIS is a queer diegesis of "polygonally scarce" stylized 3D graphics with a coating of pixelated artistry, shaded just right, dragging you down to a figurative (and somewhat literal) Hellscape of the Mind. A morose narrative conveyed through Mood, Atmosphere. The design sensibilities display a subtle understanding of Horror as a genre: instilling a sense of claustrophobia and paranoia onto the player by limiting visibility, conjuring intrigue by revealing very little of its narrative and by fiddling with the sound design. The imagination is stimulated by the need to fill in the blanks, to find a sense of familiarity within the Unfamiliar, which in turn keeps you in suspense. It's the good old philosophy of "Less is More" competently applied to Survival Horror in ways I've not seen in a long time. I would best describe it as Ghost in the Shell meets Lovecraft in a John Carpenter's nightmare as told by David Lynch, all of which whilst still somehow being a Resident Evil game.

Now, I wouldn't go as far as to claim this title revolutionized the recipe for both its genre or the concept of metaphorical storytelling but it does add its own flavour to it, one that definitely leaves an aftertaste. You will be plunged into a world of sensorial deprivation that makes you fear the Unknown... and, perhaps, even the Known. SIGNALIS is quite good, indeed, both as a tribute to PS1-era spooky polygons and as a standalone horror diegesis that elevates its source material. Well, except for the obligatory puzzles for they are quite obnoxious, as per tradition. Other than that, it's a gripping tale of terror and the best version of itself. If this prospect appeals to you in any way then I simply cannot recommend it enough.

6) Inscryption: Kaycee Mod (Daniel Mullins Games/Revolver Digital)

(Link: read from bottom to top)

Developed by Daniel Mullins (of Pony Island infamy), this title was released last year to much "indie darling" acclaim and it is easy to see why. Mullins has a penchant for messing with the artifice of his medium of choice, deconstructing its foundations with layers upon layers of meta-text, games within games within games, which typically results in something memorable. If you already know what to expect from his creative vision then, in many ways, Inscryption is just more of the same soup: an explicit level of self-awareness, a conceit revolving on a specific gameplay loop that slowly expands and falls apart at the seams the more you explore it, to the point in which the world as we know it is obliterated. Right from the start, as in from the moment the game is booted up, one can tell something nefarious is at play as it coyly gestures towards a larger meta-narrative. You do not start a New Game, you "continue into a pre-existing save file", and that's merely the beginning. Like I alluded, I expected this loosely defined game to play out in a specific manner and, in a sense, I was not proven wrong about it. What's actually remarkable and unquestionably brilliant about it was the aforementioned core design loop, namely the deck building Roguelike experience that represents both the fictional and meta-fictional centrepiece of the entire onion-layered diegesis.

I'm going to go out on a limb and state with the utmost confidence bestowed upon me by my status as a white man on the Internet that Inscryption's card-based gameplay is more fun and addicting than Slay the Spire's, on the principle that I can actually beat it! Even more impressively, Mullins didn't simply design the best electronic card game imaginable, he went and remade it several more times in the course of the same playthrough. His opus presents some prescient questions about the player's engagement with the interactive medium of videogames, our emotional connection to the text, the escapist and possibly addicting nature of it, how it all reflects back on our psyche. As such, what better way to drive the point home than to create the most engaging, addicting, all-around rewarding core gameplay loop imaginable?

As if to be proven absolutely right, the author released a free DLC titled Kaycee Mod, which is essentially more of the same excellent deck building action but with added features, challenges and unlockable items. The "story" from the main game might have concluded in decisive fashion but that shan't stop us fans from wanting to play it until our eyes bleed and our fingers drop, firmly proving our unhealthy addiction to it. I've got to say, that new mod coming out this year makes for the perfect excuse to include Daniel Mullins' little masterpiece in an article about the best videogames of 2022. I have no shame and I'm technically right. Hurray!

5) Cult of the Lamb (Massive Monster/Devolver Digital)

(Link)

A functional, if somewhat uneven mishmash of Roguelike Hack/Slash gameplay with some direct, specific references to The Binding of Isaac and the Survival meets Tycoon Management Sim elements from a generation's worth of indie titles, yet its charm cannot be denied. In this game, you are a small critter tasked by a sinister god with a dubious agenda to take down all the other sinister gods with a dubious agenda, which is something you will only be able to accomplish by founding your own sinister cult with a dubious agenda - as it was the style at the time.

Its direction as well as its narrative, defined by the juxtaposition of "kid-friendly" aesthetics and cosmic horror, is evocative of a religious propaganda cartoon aimed at children, framing The Lamb as a heroic figure who fights the "Heretics." It helps contextualize the satire of organized religion, indoctrination, the sociopolitical use of Faith or a given set of beliefs as a means to gain and maintain Power - which can be easily applied to how Society operates at the highest, wealthiest levels. The way the player can "edit" and "upgrade" their respective cult may lead to the formation of a Fascist state controlled by Fear, a Capitalist dystopia, a Charlie Manson's murder hippie family or even a one-to-one recreation of the Catholic Church. Personally, I created a society where everyone is emotionally co-dependent to their beloved leader and are all too happy to work hard, pray and die in my name. When you step back and look at the big picture, the message of this game becomes distressingly poignant.

None of the little animals recruited in the cult are characters, merely a means to an end, a form of sustenance (literally, in some cases) to be feasted upon in order to endlessly accrue power until the day they perish, or even beyond. Simply put, cult-like mentalities and tactics don't exist merely within factual cults... Anyway, it's a fun game! The Lamb is legitimately adorable. The combat system is solid and the simulation aspects are involved, as described. You should definitely play it.

4) The Cruel King and The Great Hero (Nippon Ichi Software)

(Link)

As a more than worthy successor to The Liar Princess and The Blind Prince, this game holds a tight grip on my heart, squeezing it for every ounce of blood and feeling. Unlike the previous game in the "series", which was a snazzy puzzle platformer, The Cruel King and The Great Hero is a classic turn-based RPG with a cute gimmick to it: you take control of Yuu (get it?), a small, enthusiastic child who dreams to become a legendary hero - a real one, mind you, unlike the make-believe flight of fancy in Lil Gator Game. Yuu's parent is a big dragon who secretly checks on her to make sure she's safe and sound whilst adventuring. He even provides special skills to help her in battle once she "unlocks them." This all serves a narrative purpose as well since he's trying to teach her what it means to be a kind warrior but still worries about her wellbeing, understandably. It's the sort of diegetic synergy between gameplay and plot that enhances one's experience with an interactive text, you see... So, anyway, this game is the cutest thing in the universe.

The deceptive simplicity of the artistic direction communes a deeper study behind the characters' presentation and their environment: a homage to illustrations from Western children's storybooks with its own twist. There is an understated insidiousness to the manner in which these adorable designs, drawn by hand, command such instantaneous affection on my behalf that cannot be expressed with words. Unlike said predecessor, the game has a much more ambitious scope and production but its narrative philosophy remains intact and focused. Cruel King plays around subversively with well-known fairytale tropes in order to craft an enjoyable, wholesome story for children and adults alike; it makes for a sort of "reverse-engineered" take on the Dragon Quest formula, I would say. The superb character drawings, the gorgeous background and overall aesthetics, the engaging plot as well as the gripping soundtrack, all converge together to form an emotionally enriching experience. In short, the game is neat. That's my review.

3) Kirby and The Forgotten Land (HAL Laboratory/Nintendo)

(Link)

The experience of playing this game washes over me like a relaxing wave on the beach during a lazy summer day, unexpectedly stirring me up inside with childhood memories that are not mine. That is to say, Kirby and The Forgotten Land is so good it makes me cry tears of joy. I feel particularly drawn to the pink ball's universe due to its deceptive, duplicitous nature as both childlike and horrifying. There is a wondrous, nostalgic feeling juxtaposed to a much darker subtext. Parallel to a personal favourite of mine, Klonoa, it too lures the unsuspecting player with its bubbly cuteness, only to pull the rug from under them when it matters the most. Except, this title doesn't even bother to hide the existential dread beneath the narrative: the setting is literally a "colourful" post-apocalyptic, post-humanity world. The game only goes harder on it as it progresses. By the time you get to the final boss, and then the post-game final boss, and then the super-duper-ultra final FINAL Mega-Boss, the stakes couldn't possibly get more cosmic and the implications more dire.

I shall now state in the strongest possible terms that Forgotten Land is a close-to-flawless, and long overdue, transliteration of the classic 2D "Kirby" formula into a 3D landscape, oozing with charm, personality and the most fun gameplay I have experienced all year - these were merely my first impressions after beating the first world, mind you! To call this the best, most enriching, most enjoyable 3D platformer I have ever touched would decisively sound like a loaded statement, one burdened by several asterisks. You could theoretically argue this game feels more like a very happy medium between Character Action titles such as Bayonetta and a core Nintendo IP of the precision jumping variety rather than a Platform experience in the "purest" sense but I am not here to indulge into that kind of hair-splitting logic. So, I will just proclaim once more that this is my favourite entry in the genre: the manner of onto-a-league-of-its-own videogame bonanza that leaves me reeling after almost breaking my controller during the last fight.

It features the tight, polish gameplay and level design one would expect from a (non-Pokemon related) Nintendo release jointed with the darkly charming, unabashedly bizarre creativity HAL Laboratory brings to the table with its adorably gluttonous mascot and its many game-altering power ups. I love this title, sincerely and desperately. It's everything I have ever wanted out of this series but never knew I craved.

2) Xenoblade Chronicles 3 (Monolith Soft/Nintendo)

(Link 1; Link 2)

There is so much to say about Xenoblade Chronicles 3 and yet so very little time, so little light of day. I am going to take a page out of Monolith Soft and categorically refuse to bury the lead: this game is a condemnation of the Military-Industrial Complex, the endless machine of war sustained by the lives of those "who die for a cause." It's exemplified by the premise of genetically-engineered child soldiers made for the purpose of fighting in a senseless conflict which is perennially sustained by the literal life energy of the many people who die in it. War economy in a nutshell. This is not a spoiler as the game slaps you across the face with this commentary pretty much immediately. The second title in the series had the "courtesy" to lure you in with sassy cat girls and anime high jinks before revealing it was actually about Cultural Genocide. You simply do not get the luxury of ignorance with this entry.

It also unmistakably points its righteous anger towards the sociopolitical establishment, the wealthy conservative elite, that's directly profiting from the Status Quo, keeping the world stuck in an aptly-named “Endless Now.” On that note, the villains of the piece are a gloriously detestable, pretentious and opulent bunch, the kind you just cannot wait to smack around in an epically orchestrated boss battle - which the game is keen to provide with a certain amount of glee.

Thematic relevancy aside, allow me to emphasize how spectacular the “Xeno eXperience” can be! I am referring to the painstakingly animated, meticulously choreographed, expensively mo-capped action cutscenes that occasionally graced my astounded visage. There is nothing else that looks as slick and bombastic in all the land. The predecessor might have already set the benchmark for quality in that regard but the newest game takes said benchmark, shatters it with one finger and uses the sharp remains to stab God himself!

As far the gameplay is concerned, it is the most refined and polished the series has seen thus far even if it still requires an inordinate amount of tutorial tips in order to grasp its basics. A savvy combination of turn-based and real time elements make for both a strategic and high octane romp, one that requires your full concentration.

In essence, Xenoblade Chronicles 3 is the rare diegesis that manages to excel at everything it sets out to be: it's a foundationally strong JRPG with a vast, gorgeous world to explore, an emotionally resonating plot, viscerally effective theming, well-written characters and all the big anime fight scenes your heart may desire. It shoots for the Moon and it doesn't just stick the landing, it incinerates several celestial bodies in the process. Under normal circumstance, this would have easily been my GOTY. Alas, circumstances happened to differ a tiny bit in 2022.

1) Klonoa: Phantasy Reverie Series (MONKEYCRAFT/Bandai Namco)

(Link)

It was the year of 2009 and I happened to own a Nintendo Wii. I caught wind of the then freshly released-into-obscurity remake of Klonoa: Door to Phantomile, a title for PS1. I, much like a lot of people, had never heard of such an odd curio but I found myself enticed by its design choices, its 2.5D aesthetics, its peculiar style of side-scrolling platform mixed with original puzzle mechanics and, most importantly, its adorable protagonist. Armed with but a few spare coins and a healthy dose of curiosity, I purchased it on its release day. It changed my life.

Later on, I hunted down the rare copy of the PS2 sequel Lunatea's Veil, a game that blew me out of every possible body of water on this planet. Several moons down the line, I bought the original first game as a digital download for PS3. Nowadays, I play it on my PSP whenever I'm overcome by a sudden wave of depression and every single time, I cry. Every variation of these games provided its own unique, emotional experience. They have indelibly coloured my perception of videogames as an art form, what they can bring to the table in terms of narrative and theming. I am incapable of conveying through words how much these games mean to me and how much they have broken and rebuilt me from the ground up with each new playthrough.

Klonoa is a multi-layered allegory disguised as a cute, Mascot Platformer from the late '90s. It uses genre expectations and its available language to pull the rug from the under the player, conveying a subtler thematic journey. It likens the idea of "gaming" to the idyllic memory of childhood and to the ethereal nature of dreams, which are all linked by their brevity and finality. The first game is about Nostalgia, the reminiscence to a time of childlike innocence inevitably broken by the specter of Change, part of growing up. Depending on one's read, it might also be about Trauma. The sequel takes everything that was established in the first one and builds itself upon it, bringing the journey to a satisfying conclusion. On the surface, it's a new story with new characters but that's, once again, part of the deception. If Door to Phantomile covered Childhood and the bittersweet, possibly traumatic memory of it, Lunatea's Veil is about what comes next: Adolescence, growing up, figuring yourself out and healing. These themes are brilliantly reflected both by the story and the settings themselves. Both games would work well as individual experiences (as they are both fun and engaging) but they truly achieve greatness when viewed as a unified piece, a masterfully made, emotional ride into the Dream of Childhood and onto the Wake of Adulthood.

And now, you can finally experience them both in the newly released HD collection, Phantasy Reverie Series. This is my game of the year. This was always going to be my game of the year. It was preordained, predetermined, predestined in the moment, the second, its existence was made public in that one legendary Nintendo Direct. It didn't matter whether this was going to be a consistently good or terrible period for game releases, the mere fact that Klonoa was going to be included in the 2022 calendar makes this the best year for gaming by default. That is how much these titles, these stories, mean to me. The world is a slightly less awful place for having the fluffy boy in it. That is my final word on the matter.

At long last, here we are: the end of the list, the end of the solar cycle. In spite of everything that's wrong within society, struggling under the thumb of Capitalism, having to endure the abusive aura of hypocritical “Holyday Cheer”, dealing with many blows Life throws at your general direction, you have still made it. You have survived. You are still you. There is still good to be found beneath the apparent hopelessness of it all. Just remember to hold on to what's most dear to you and please, for the Love of God, do not buy the Nazi Potter game. I will find you.

Happy New Year!

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reitziluz · 1 year

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thinking about the term transformative work. for anyone unfamiliar with it, it means fan created content, basically.

thinking about the word transformative. about accuracy, being in-character. how often fandom wank is about (nebulous) other peole being wrong, misunderstanding, missing the point. that wouldn't happen, that wouldn't work, they would never say that.

but if the work is transformative, there is necessarily a transformation happening. an interpretation, a possibility, a wish made to manifest. what could make it happen, how it could be made to work, if there was a world where those words would come out of their mouth?

i get overwhelmed sometimes, by the need to stay true to canon. maybe remembering that i am responding to it, exploring it, transforming it could help. of course it will be different, that's the point.

i still loathe some transformative works. the first instinct is to call them inaccurate. but that is just shielding yourself with the appearance of objectivity, isn't it? i think it will be more useful, more interesting, to dig deeper, get personal. less "they're wrong" and more "this is important to me"

this is important to me because it transformed me, so i'm transforming it in turn

#yes once again ppl were making me Tired with the tags they left on my post #once again tired of (my) joy being diminished into an excuse #to focus on (someone else's) outrage spirals #i don't think it's wrong to have (differing) opinions or to hate things #it's exhausting because it's boring #oh wow people have shit taste and bad opinions and make works that don't resonate with you #like yeah no shit #that's why i'm talking about what i enjoy instead???#maybe try to be considerate of other people #and stay on topic #or fuck right off

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90363462 · 1 year

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Is There Anything Wrong With Loving Sex But Hating Intimacy?

So, what if you like coitus but not cuddling?

Shellie R. Warren

Nov. 27, 2020 05:03PM EST

Based on my personal views on sex (that it shouldn't treated lightly or casually, and it's something that affects our mind, body and spirit—both the Bible and science will back that up; more on that in a sec), there used to be a time when I thought penning something like this would not be necessary. Yet, if you live long enough, life will teach you some things and expose you to a world of people who think totally different than you do. Between once working with a ministry that got people out of the sex industry and free from porn addiction, being a pregnant teen director for the local chapter of a national non-profit and then becoming a marriage life coach, I have met many (MANY) people who are kind, loving, generous—and also love the act of sex while pretty close to loathing the thought of engaging in physical intimacy.

For the record here, I'm not speaking of commitment-phobes. Those are a horse of a whole 'nother color, chile. No, I'm referring to those who are all about gettin' it in, as much as possible; however, when it comes to a ton of foreplay and definitely when it comes to any afterplay (or honestly, even when it comes to much physical intimacy in between romps), they are more than happy to take a pass. Oh, and before some of you roll your eyes and say to yourself, "Hmph. Sounds just like a dude", actually, who has shared this perspective with me the most have been women. So many, in fact, that I thought there had to be at least a handful of our readers who also can relate on some level.

So, let's do this. Let's dig into the polka dotted unicorns known as folks who love to have sex but can actually do without all of the physical intimacy stuff—whether in the bed or out. Is that problematic or not? Let's explore.

Is There Really Such a Thing as Sex Without ANY Kind of Intimacy?

As someone who grew up being taught that the Bible was to be the foundation for the choices I make, sex has always been seen as being pretty sacred to me. I'm pretty sure that anyone who is even remotely familiar with the Good Book knows that it says that sex is for married couples, period. Hmph. Come to think of it, I don't know of any holy books that say otherwise (definitely not the Qur'an or the Torah). And when it comes to Scripture, specifically, the verse that I've always adored is this:

Now here's the thing. As a woman who's never been married before (by choice, not by circumstance. I'm pretty sure many of you can say the same), you can read articles I've penned for the site like, "14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners" and "Why I Named The Children I Aborted" to know that I am certainly NOT the posterchild for abstinence (check out "I've Been Abstinent For 12 Years. Here's How."). I think that a part of it is because, although I do think that sex is absolutely best in a long-term relationship, the physical pleasure that comes from the act can make it REALLY HARD to turn it down, even if you're not "officially" with someone. That's why, I totally get it, when one of my married friends says to me, every time I hit another year of abstinence milestone, "It might be biblical, but it sure as hell ain't natural." Understood.

So why I am even approaching the topic of what sex is from this angle? Mostly it's because, when it comes to sex making two people one, whether you try and apply a holy book to your life or not, this is one area where religion and science are largely on the same page. Why do I say that? In walks, oxytocin.

Say that you don't subscribe to any particular faith or that you don't believe in God at all—science is still out here, making it abundantly clear, that there are hormones in your body that are designed to bond you to the person or people you have sex with.

That's why I've written articles on here like, "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner" and "We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'"; while physical pleasure is certainly a benefit of sex, it's important that you don't overlook the fact that sex can mentally and emotionally bond you to someone too. Don't believe me? Think about the guys you've dated who you didn't have sex with vs. the ones you did. 9 times outta 10, who was harder to shake? Be honest…with yourself.

You can Google articles about who has better sex—married people or single people (it's married folks). You can poll your friends about when they thought sex was better—in a long-term commitment or not. At the end of the day, it's kind of hard to get around the fact that while the mechanics of sex can be enjoyable, whether you're with your sexual partner or not, when the emotional intimacy component is in place, it's simply bar none better. And here's the thing—to a certain extent, oxytocin is gonna make damn sure that some level of attachment is cultivated…whether we want it to happen or not.

That's why, it's my personal belief that people who say that they like sex but hate intimacy may be in a bit of denial about the intimacy that transpires during the act, regardless of what they think is happening (or not happening). Yet when it comes to things like kissing and cuddling and them being semi-disgusted, let's pull back the curtain on that psyche, just a little bit more.

So, About Hating Physical Acts of Intimacy. What’s Up with That?

Some of y'all might remember, a few months back, when I wrote, "Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?". It was pretty enlightening, even to me, and I've been writing about sex for a couple of decades at this point. One woman I interviewed for the article said that her husband's tongue always feels awkward. A guy said that mouths feel wet and weird to him. What I found to be fascinating is, the people I spoke with didn't give me the impression that they had issues with physical intimacy, in general, so much as the mechanics of kissing itself. Got it. But what about physical intimacy overall? I decided to ask Melissa and Eric from that same article for their hot takes on that.

Melissa. Married. 29. "Funny that you would ask me this because I'm weird when it comes to physical intimacy. While I do like to hug my husband and I enjoy being close to him while we're watching television or something, during sex, I'll pass. Like cuddling after intercourse? All I can think about is that wet spot and how I want to get out of it. I don't know.

"The sex is good but once it's over, I enjoy my personal space. I'm just now thinking that it might be because, once you've been that open with another person, you need to retreat to gain your bearings a bit. Does that make sense? I wouldn't say that I hate physical intimacy so much as, to me, it's just not all that necessary."

Eric. Single. 25. "I'm not even used to a woman separating sex and intimacy, so this question has caught me off-guard. Anyway, I like physical intimacy if it's with a woman I'm emotionally intimate with. Otherwise, physical intimacy before or after sex feels like we're trying to make the relationship something that it's not—or something that it's not yet. A lot of cuddling and stuff like that is way more sentimental to me than just intercourse, so if we're not together, I'm not the biggest fan."

Just to round this out a little bit, I decided to ask someone else I know who happens to love sex and loathe physical intimacy. Let's call her "Sheryl".

Sheryl. Married. 39. "I definitely have a higher sex drive than my husband and I absolutely am not a fan of physical intimacy. Meanwhile, he can't get enough of it. It just feels hot, awkward, and like you're invading my personal space. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I grew up in a home that was loving but definitely not big on the PDA. So, I got used to not needing a lot of physical touching. Plus, my husband is the exact opposite, which feels clingy and needy more than anything else. I don't think there's anything 'wrong' with me. I just think I process that a lot of touching comes with sex and outside of that, I'm cool. Who said that everyone needs to get kissed and cuddled all of the time, in order to feel loved, anyway?"

Sheryl has a point. Who did say that physical intimacy must come before and after sex is a cardinal rule? I will say that as someone who is a words-of-affirmation-and-physical-touch-love-languages kind of girl, I can't even imagine the two not going hand in hand, but after speaking with these individuals and also other clients, I get it. You can very much enjoy sex and not need all of the foreplay or afterplay that comes with it for so many people. It doesn't mean that anything is "wrong with you". It's just not your personal preference.

Still, how do you know when your preference might be linked to something deeper or if it has a great potential to become highly problematic in your relationship?

If your avoiding physical intimacy is costing you your relationship. Relationships are about compromise. And you know what? In many ways, so is sexual fulfillment. Even if physical intimacy is not really your thing if it is something that your partner needs or enjoys, find ways to meet him halfway. Again, as a physical touch person myself, to simply clam up after sex feels like rejection. If your partner feels the same way, that can start to build a wedge between the two of you, even if that's not anywhere close to being your intention. By the way, it's also a good idea to bring how you're feeling up to your partner. Even though it might seem a little odd to them, knowing where you're coming from can help him to be more patient as the two of you work to figure out what will work, well, for you both.

If compromising causes you to feel violated. There is a caveat to what I just said. If compromising in this realm makes you somehow feel physically or even emotionally violated, don't push past that. Instead, do some sex journaling or even consider seeing a reputable therapist, counselor, or life coach about what's going on. I know someone who used to hate kissing in the mouth. After seeing a therapist, come to find out, it was because she had been molested by a cousin who used to force their tongue in her mouth when she was little. While it can't be said enough that not preferring physical intimacy "just because" isn't a red flag, if you're someone who clams up or lashes out when someone attempts to be physically affectionate with you, that could be a sign that you're suppressing something. It can never hurt to work with a professional, just to see if that could possibly be the case.

If you "fear" physical intimacy. Not needing a hug vs. being terrified of one are two totally different things. If you fall into the latter category, it very well could be that you are dealing with some level of philophobia which is basically being afraid of emotionally attaching to another individual.

I know we covered a lot of ground here, but as I draw all of this to a close, let's get back to the title of the article. Is there anything wrong with loving sex and hating physical intimacy? In short, no. There's not. Just make sure that feeling this way isn't harming your relationship or that the "hate" isn't tied to something deeper. Other than that, feel OK with being this way. It takes all kinds to make the world go-'round and being different isn't automatically wrong. Enjoy your sex—and well, your dry spot too, sis. #wink

Are you a member of our insiders squad? Join us in the xoTribe Members Community today!

Featured image by Shutterstock

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nickgerlich · 3 months

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When The Beer Goes Flat

Nearly 10 months have passed since one of the biggest consumer boycotts began. It all started last April when AB InBev, maker of Bud Light, sent a one-off beer can to trans influencer Dylan Mulvaney bearing her likeness. It was posted to social media, and the sh*t storm followed in seconds.

There was no reeling in the social media tirade, no walking it back. At a time when the US had started to show signs of being more accepting of the L, G, and B, they just weren’t ready yet for the T. And for a prominent US brand to align itself with the T was a hard beer to swallow.

So the boycotting ensued. Now before we go too much farther, consumer boycotting has been a thing for many years, but even in the social media era, when word spreads like fire that just had a few gallons of accelerant poured on it, they were usually forgotten after about six months. People simply got on with their lives.

AB InBev, the Belgian-owned parent company, saw its stock plummet, as well as sales of Bud Light. While the company saw global revenues and profits increase in 2023, the opposite was true for the US. The brand simply has not recovered yet, in spite of efforts last fall to align itself with football, including the NFL, but also college football. Gen-Z students, you know, are far more accepting in matters of LGBTQ (all the letters).

I must note that this was not the first time that Bud Light had supported the LGBTQ community. For several years it produced rainbow-colored 16-ounce aluminum bottles, and has been associated with supportive events for 20 years. I don’t recall anyone flinching until last April.

So where did the boycotters go? They switched to Modelo Light, a Mexican lager. But here’s where the irony starts. Modelo is also owned by AB InBev. It’s just that when AB InBev purchased that brewery earlier this century, in order to satisfy the SEC in the US, they allowed Constellation Brands to do the importing, distribution, and marketing. While Constellation is certainly happy to have the additional sales, former Bud Light drinkers need to be aware that they are still feeding the beast they came to loathe.

And now we find ourselves staring down Super Bowl 58, and Bud Light—as well as Budweiser and Michelob Ultra—will make advertising appearances. AB InBev has been blowing and going ever since the controversial moment, as if nothing ever happened. And also of note, this is strictly a US matter. It elicited a big yawn elsewhere around the world.

AB InBev is confident that sales will recover, although the six-month rule is now in need of revision. This one clearly has been an exception. Furthermore, the attention it brought to LGBTQ issues then spread to June, otherwise known as Pride Month, and the activities that other companies were rolling out. Target in particular took a hit, and moved its Pride merchandise from front-of-store to other places farther back.

In terms of its stock price, it has recovered from most of its losses. Shares were trading in the mid-60s at the time the shock wave was felt, plummeted to about $52 later in the year, and then rose to $66 earlier this month. It now sits at $62.14 per share.

From a marketing perspective, the big takeaway is that the number one light beer in the US lost its crown, only to be replaced by the parent company’s other brand from Mexico. Furthermore, it was caused by public perception—or is it misperception?— of support for one letter of an acronym, demonstrating that when it comes to voting with your pocketbook, it may not just be about taste, but matters of the heart and mind.

Personally, I am not affected by any of this. I don’t consume Bud Light, Modelo, or any other AB InBev products, other than an occasional Hopadillo from its Karbach craft beer division. Otherwise, I shy away from mass-produced beers. But I couldn’t care less about who appears on a beer can, whether a one-off or one produced by the truckload. My value system is summarized in four words: Love all, serve all. Oh, and if I (or anyone else) doesn’t like what they’re seeing, look away.

But that’s just me, and apparently there are still many for whom this is a big deal. We’ll see if Bud Light is able to shake off the cobwebs on aging stacks of beer in stores.

Dr “I’ll Be Watching With A Cold One In Hand” Gerlich

Audio Blog

#marketing #Bud Light #super bowl 58

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unhingedhearties · 5 months

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Rage Over A Wrap Photo: Part 2 (Twitter)

Here are some of the responses from unhinged Hearties on Twitter regarding When Calls The Heart lead actress Erin Krakow’s photo celebrating the wrap of Season 11. These screencaps have been edited a little to combine some of the responses to one post.

Repeat offender TeamE83Liz/HeartieETLB comes in strong with the self entitlement. How dare Erin be grateful for the long-running TV show she’s worked on and “her lil’ Show Set Community”, which I can only guess means the other actors and crew. Given how long this show’s been on the air, Erin’s probably known some of these people for a decade. E83Liz has such a self-centered, off-putting personality, that the concept of long-term relationships must be alien to her. Damn it, she’s upset because Erin clearly doesn’t “give a sh_t about us fans!” The proof she doesn’t give a sh_t about her fans being this behind the scenes photo she shared to her fans to celebrate another Season being completed. And of course she finishes off her reply with hashtags insulting the Show Runner and Executive producer, as well as this creepy one “ErinUseToBeCute”.

You know how a lot of really sick men with disgusting attitudes towards women will often hold these weird, opposing views where they both lust after a woman, but loathe her and say degrading things about her?

Just… keep that in the back of your mind anytime you see a post with old E83Liz here.

Three more fully grown adults getting offended by a photo of shoes.

“The message it sends…” Jesus Christ. These are the kinds of people who chimp out on you if they don’t like the way you breathe and always accuse you of having “a tone” when you speak. Anything and everything is a stealthy attack against them.

“I am trying to be respectful and polite…” Don’t try, do. Because it’s just a photo. Of the ground. Where they’re standing.

I need to make a Bingo card, because there’s “salt in the wound” for the 10th time.

Someone makes a fair and rational point that both sides of these two stupid groups who waste their lives fangirling over fictional couples have had people act like assholes towards the actors. They can also tell the difference between the actor and the character they play on TV.

Julie flops in to counter this with the idea that people like her have been (and I’m really embarrassed to type this, even as a quote) “warriors” who “supported her” and were greatly dishonored when Erin posted that photo of the ground instead of honoring her life debt to these noble internet soldiers.

E83Liz comes in with another gem. “I’m behind in the grieving!”

Multiple wars around the world…

Millions of deaths from covid…

Nothing compared to a fictional couple on TV breaking up. Pray you never know such pain and loss.

“I don’t have anyone to turn to for help. Bc they’ve left SM or hate me!”

What!? Hate you? Why would anyone feel that way when you have so much to offer other people?

BONUS ROUND:

In what must have been a coordinated attack to commit jihad on Lucabeth fans, Executive Producer Brian Bird shared this photo of him spending the day with his family (including grandkids) in his home time for some kind of Christmas tree lighting celebration. Fortunately, the predominantly Christian fanbase proved themselves to be shining examples of Christ’s love and compas-

-_-

“She just wants to kiss as many guys as possible…”

Yes, that’s how TV works. That’s exactly how season long story arcs are created. Big Brain here has it all figured out.

#when calls the heart #wcth #lucabeth #fandom drama #unhinged fans #hallmark

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lightsinthesky · 9 months

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The G-Word (& Other Things...)

God.

Yep. Loaded word. Once upon a time, it was a word that made me recoil with discomfort and judgment towards every association I’d had with it. Growing up Catholic, then abandoning it completely as a teenager made me cynical towards any semblance of the notion of spirituality whatsoever. My association with the word “God” was an image of a bearded sky man casting judgment on humanity. It was the hateful beliefs and actions carried out in the name of supposed faith. It was those who took literally specific passages from an old book and used it as a means of power, control, judgment, and self-professed superiority… and occasionally murder and genocide…

What I didn’t know is that God may be that for some, but doesn’t have to be for all.

“Came to believe…”

In the last few years, as I began (in fits and starts) a journey of recovery, self-discovery, and self-actualization, I started to open up to the concepts of spirituality and, by extension, the notion of “God.” It took me a while to get to where I am now, but I can unequivocally say that my trust in God is the driving force behind every good thing in my life. And before you panic, this isn’t some sort of “come to Jesus” post. My conception of God defies a tangible or clear definition. It sure as hell ain’t religion. My God is truly everything, and to pretend I have a full understanding of that would be to imply that I have an understanding of everything. I know nothing. Obviously not literally, but in the context of purpose, reason, the workings of the world, the complexity of life, death, and any and every existential crisis that has kept me up at night wondering and seeking answers, God is the answer, not my professed self-knowledge.

Is that a cop-out? Is it blind faith? Sort of. But more than that, it’s an understanding that I don’t always know best. I am presented with an arsenal of tools: character traits, beliefs I’ve cultivated, emotions, experience, and, finally, a deep connection to what I characterize to be my soul. I know who and what I am and what I have to offer and none of that came without my spiritual connection.

Where my relationship in the realm of the spiritual really blossomed was in placing trust into my faith. I had become willing to believe, but until I, with the utmost sincerity, put trust in the idea that things happen as they “should” (hate that word), I was still a skeptic.

The point of this is not to push any sort of belief on anyone. My beliefs do not require anyone else to share them. They are deeply personal. They provide me with strength and insight in times of struggle, pain, duress, and adversity. And having been through a lot in my 33 years, I can firmly and knowingly say that I would not be where I am right now without this relationship as the foundation of my entire existence.

“God” is the word I use out of convenience. It’s not in any way an easily definable concept. Call it “the universe,” “love,” whatever you want. It defies the limitations of our language to clearly express. It is a deep knowing feeling. The knowledge that I am comprised of mind, body, and soul, and that my spirit or soul (again, call it what you want) is the crux of who I am as an individual. It’s why I can intellectualize certain things, “outsmart” certain ideals or beliefs, but in the end, if it touches my soul, I know it’s real. This trust and degree of self-knowledge and awareness has made so much clear to me in terms of what matters to me. This, of course, aids me in my purpose in this life. Put simply, it’s to love. Different people will get it in different ways and to different degrees, but I know that giving what I have to offer is my place here.

And it took a long time for me to see what I had to offer.

At my worst and most confused, I was self-loathing incarnate. I had talents and intellect and the capacity to give, but I had no idea what to do with any of it. Instead, I lived perpetually in a state of unknowing pain, wondering why I was here at all. I felt so disconnected from the world at large. My entire sense of value derived from my desire to give and be “useful.” Grandiose ideas of changing the world. Fame and fortune (but the altruistic kind, where I would surely do good…) But I didn’t really know how to put any of it into action. Time and time again, I found myself at the bottom, telling myself I didn’t belong anywhere, I would never find what I sought (not even knowing what that was), and that I was fundamentally born broken and would simply serve as a cautionary tale to others in what not to do. In short, I had determined I was a complete failure before I even had the willingness to try.

It took considerable time and effort to emerge from that.

My baseline had become such a degree of misery that I found comfort in the familiarity of it. I’d do the mental gymnastics to say that I was fine, that my behaviors are fine, and it’s clearly everyone and everything else that has it wrong. Or that the world was simply unfair and I had no interest in seeking my place amongst an institution with which I fundamentally disagreed.

As I developed my spirituality, I implemented a lot of Buddhist philosophies. One of the most critical has been impermanence. The endless misery that felt like it would last a lifetime was my downfall time and time again. I never gave myself the chance to fight, to make it through, to really grow. Discomfort and pain are the price we pay for real growth. Like a caterpillar into a butterfly, it’s not a band-aid quick fix, it is a foundational metamorphosis of all that we thought we are. I had to shed myself of so much to clearly see. And because of my comfort in the familiarity of my old ways, despite their self-destructive nature, I was too afraid to simply let go and try something new.

There was resistance. There was failure. There was an ebb and flow, a back and forth. Progress marred by mistakes. Lessons learned. But at the end of it all, I finally emerged that butterfly. My wings are fresh. I’m still learning to fly, but I can confidently say I am finally a version of myself that is comfortable in my own skin. I can look in the mirror and not say, “what a piece of shit.” I know my value and my worth and I’m determined to give whatever I may offer to those who matter to me. I won’t ever pretend or delude myself into believing I will change the world. Maybe I will. Probably not. But I know what gifts have been bestowed upon me. And they are firmly rooted in love for those I invite into my circle and for those who invite me into theirs.

I could write a novel about what has been my journey. But this isn’t a space for me to air my shit. Those close to me either know or have an understanding of a lot of it. And they can tangibly see the growth. And that’s so encouraging. Some people have only known me in r3ecovery and (mostly) see a beacon of optimism and hope. But at the end of the day, it’s not the external validation I sought. I’m grateful that I was given the strength and the will to finally take action. I will never, ever, ever do this perfectly. I will never, ever “get it.” But I have the capacity to have the understanding of the little steps I can take daily to trend towards a life lived in peace.

So, despite my ramblings, I’d say the point of this is that we are spiritual beings. My understanding of my spiritual self - things like that sincere, lightning in a bottle love, the feeling of helping someone, knowing you contributed in some way, knowing that people trust and depend on you, confidence in making a decision - are all the evidence I need. There’s a lot that has come and gone in my life. And I’m grateful today to have an understanding of what matters most and what is worth fighting for. And that I have a much (and constantly growing) understanding of the means by which to fight. Whether it’s with intensity or in stillness, I trust the process. I trust my higher power. And, perhaps most importantly, I finally trust myself.

I’ll always be a fool to some degree, but I love that fool.

#recovery #spirituality

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havfayth · 9 months

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Sometimes it takes one to go through hardship in order to learn about the taboos of one world. While in his own having purifying abilities to counter directly the abyssal Void is considered a blessing, in others being remotely close to having healing skills of any kind is nothing short of a sin. ❝You are mistaken. I am not one of them.❞ One of the Sanctus Medicus, he means. For how little he has been in Xianzhou, he immediately found out about some sect that revere immortality despite what the related Aeon brought to them. Fools, all of them. ❝Capable of healing without being one of your mighty Vidyadhara as I may be, I do not share their beliefs about immortality.❞ Of all people, they had to catch red-handed to someone who abhors the concept of immortality, even if in truth Dáinsleif is well aware of the fact that it only means having an extended life pan above one's natural lifetime. He of all people knows the grievances of being unable to pass away against one's own will, irregardless of the differing or similar circumstances the people of Xianzhou have. (for Jing Yuan!)

@reginrokkr / no meme / always accepting.

travelers hailing outside of luofu are all branded with their own idiosyncrasies, be it etched onto genes or learned — that itself is common knowledge amongst the flagship that welcomes merchants, students and patients from all walks of life. and of course, bearing SECRETS of their own, luofu naturally and lawfully respects for those which that are CONFIDENTIAL in nature within their distinguished guests' homelands. for they shall not pry if it does not tempt HARM upon their flagship.

be that as it may, these mutual understandings between luofu and other galactical lifeforms have been functional, unchanged without pause until recently, where threats are made truer by their lifelong adversary and snuck upon the flagship, even with jing yuan's and yukong's watchful gaze that easily blankets the entirety of luofu. well .. anyone is allowed a NEEDLE in a haystack of a chance to advance on their centuries-old scheme. even the aeons loathe to wait on an unripe fruit for twelve seasons. even jing yuan is of opinion that he'd rather they SOONER show their hand than wait till the unsuspicious and inexperienced, living under centuries of untouched peace, take formal charge.

precautions are hence enforced, security TIGHTENED, to ensure that travelers that board luofu for a specific purpose on their documents are without duplicity. admittedly, this is one of the RARE times where jing yuan encounters a lifeform that is unbound to a specific PATH laid out by the constellations drawn by the aeons.

is he aware to such an existence ? yes. but this may very well be his first encounter and the INTRIGUE is plain on his features, casting away some of his preliminary intake of the presence before him.

❝ forgive us, but times are rather troublesome as of late. as such, the luofu has temporarily shuttled our gates to most travellers .. ones without permit, ❞ the general specifies. in his hand, held reports that are scribbled with observations and detailed minutely updates about this peculiar lifeform who caught the attention of their sky-faring commission officials. typically, yukong is to discharge her word on the matter, UNCONTESTED by most but ..

jing yuan diverts his gaze to the man in question, within his seemingly dispassionate amber eyes held a silver of INTRIGUE and countless possibilities that need not the use of divinations to affirm his thoughts.

❝ you certainly do not seem to be one that holds a devotion to a path, which is a rather intriguing and perculiar premise to what the alliance .. or even the IPC have always dealt with, ❞ jing yuan says smoothly, CONFIDENTLY in fact of his faith in the suspect's words. idly tapping his finger against his polished wood desk, he considers his choices, swiftly prioritizing each in terms of a hassle-free outcome. for BOTH luofu and the man. ❝ however, i am only one man amongst this intricate system that upholds the flagship. as much as i'd like to see you resume your business on luofu undisturbed .. i am afraid the sky-faring commission may not see eye to eye with my intepretation. ❞

standing up from his desk, jing yuan ambles down the steps, hands tucked neatly behind his back. his strides are of centuries-made elegance, always RESOLUTE, unyielding — and demands respect where he himself may not necessary seek or desire it outside of the battlefield. ❝ your entry and exit within luofu rests solely on their word, unless your affairs align with the cloud knights, of whom are under my jurisdiction, ❞ he first explains, then tilts his head very slightly to the side.

❝ is that understandable, i wonder ? i doubt this is what you have in mind when you came upon luofu, and i emphasize with your skepticism, if you have any. but .. this works best in both of our favor. ❞

#reginrokkr #jing yuan: wanna be a part timer like the astral express :eyes:#this took awhile alksjkaljsa #inbox. / jing yuan.

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