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americanphancakes · 11 months

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I wanna talk about my mind for a little bit

I was gonna save this until after I posted the last Wingless Angel chapter but I can’t post it yet. Pretty sure my mind wants me to get this out of my system first.

So hi everyone, how are you? How have you been? Honestly if you’re still following at all I’m delighted.

I don’t want this to come across as some excuse for all the unfinished fanfic I left behind 3+ years ago, which is why I wanted to publish WA first, so I hope you don’t take it that way. But I ended up stumbling upon an aspect of my mental health that I’m still trying to address and since I never really saw anyone post or talk about my particular issue before very recently, I wanted to share it in case it resonates with anyone.

(Clearly stuff has changed, this is where I'd normally put a "read more" but.... I guess that's not a thing anymore?? Hopefully this isn't a huge annoying wall of text on everyone's dash, oof.)

I’ve posted before about my ADHD. I’ve been getting treatment for it for 10 years now, and for all that time, medication & other coping mechanisms have been helpful to a point, but only to a point. There was still something left that was keeping me from functioning, and I couldn’t tell what it was. All I knew was that I had no will of my own, and I’d spent the last 10 years trying to create situations where the people in charge were asking (or implying that i should do) things I considered good to do. “People in charge” meant anyone besides myself. If someone was not me, they automatically had authority, simply by virtue of being someone external to me.

I did a lot of research trying to find something that matched up with my experiences & feelings, even partially, and I looked into things like PDA autism and even just the people-pleasing habits common with other ADHD folks.

At some point, with therapy, I did learn how to say “no” to other people’s demands of me. I learned to set boundaries. But I was still profoundly uncomfortable with dictating what I was going to do, especially if anyone else was ever going to be aware of it.

When I was a little kid, i was told “no” constantly, and that’s not hyperbole. I’ve cited the story many times of falling in love with the violin when I was 9 but immediately being told “No, you’re going to play the flute.” So I played the flute, but without any passion for it I couldn’t figure it out and I quit, and my mom never stopped making me feel guilty about it. But that wasn’t the only example of that kind of thing. I wanted to play soccer; mom said play basketball, so I played basketball. I wanted to play piano; mom bought me a guitar and my sister got the electronic keyboard. (We eventually switched, but I never felt like I could fully commit to playing the thing). I wanted to learn Spanish or Japanese in high school; mom told me to learn French, so I took four fucking years of French.

My feelings and wishes were effectively not a factor in what I was allowed to do, what goals I was allowed to pursue, unless I was staying in my room and out of everyone’s way (and even then I had to make sure I jumped up to do what was asked of me if I got called from another room). Eventually I learned, as a survival mechanism, to just obey. It wasn’t worth fighting anymore because I was systematically robbed of my individuality at every turn. Something happened when I was 13 that I will never talk about publicly and she played "good parent who has her kid's back" for about 5 minutes before siding with the bad guy. I brought it up years later and she was mad I'd never gotten over it. And all that is on top of being raised to be a "good little capitalist drone" who needs to be perfect and efficient at all times. I was never supported. I was never given grace. So I never gave grace to myself, because if your own parents don't give you grace & time to learn and be flawed, then clearly you don't deserve any, right?

I finally cut my mother out of my life not long after the pandemic began, a few months after having gone no-contact from my father (mostly due to his casual racism & transphobia, which cost me at least one very close friendship when I was a kid, and was unkind to my child in a way I could not abide). My immediate family - spouse and kid - are the only family I have left now. And it sounds tragic on paper, because it is, but until I finally got away from my mother's voice in real life I couldn't filter through the recordings of her voice in my mind so I could finally throw them away. And that knot is still being untied. Honestly this is 10 years into a very long mental health journey, when you think about it, but I wish I'd cut my mom out of my life a very very long time ago. I wasn't angry about lost time when I got my ADHD diagnosis. I was angry about it when I realized that yes, this had been abuse, and I hadn't been courageous enough to get away from it sooner.

Because that dehumanization resulted in me having no will power of my own, and that extended as far as simply not wanting anything anymore. I like things, sure, but anything I WANTED for myself was out of the question, especially if it involved other people in any way, but honestly even solo pursuits became impossible for me to will myself to do. For right now, when I have something I want to do, I'm telling my friends & husband to order me to do it. Because I won't do it otherwise. And it's a potentially dangerous workaround, but it's all I have for now. I and my therapist are hoping that once my brain registers that what other people are telling me to do is aligned with what I want to do, maybe it won't depend on other people's commands anymore and I'll just take control of my own life for once. But that may not work. I'll have to wait and see.

So what does this have to do with my abandoned fics? Well, it had started to become more difficult to write because the adhd "shinyness" was wearing off anyway, but I'd been doing a good job of pushing past it because people liked what I was writing. I could see my skill getting better, and engagement was going up, and that was really motivating. But then... I stopped writing fic all of a sudden because someone made a post about finding it shitty when writers wrote about COVID in their fics, and.... that was sort of a last straw that broke me, because I do exactly that in the last WA chapter. So I just turned tail and ran away. I tried to push through and write & publish the chapter anyway, because it was the LAST chapter and I knew people were waiting on it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Even having OSBB obligations didn't get me writing again, and given that obligation, the shame I felt about not having finished those stories weighed on me so badly that I couldn't even interact with you guys on Instagram, despite you having been so kind to me in the past. Let's face it, that goes WAY beyond adhd rejection sensitivity, that's a trauma response. I saw one bit of honestly well-reasoned critique of work that wasn't even mine, and I just ran. Immediately I felt like I was no longer allowed to take up space here. I felt unwelcome here in this corner of the internet world, just as I have always felt like I wasn't allowed to take up space in the physical world for almost my ENTIRE life. And the shame I already feel about myself normally was compounded by what I felt was a cowardly thing to do, which prevented me from returning. Now that I've accepted that, yes, I am an abuse victim whose life has been MASSIVELY and MAJORLY affected by that childhood trauma, I'm finally able to address it properly. Over the last few weeks I've been changing the direction of my therapy and my self-talk (reparenting yourself is HARD) and I'm feeling some improvement, but progress isn't linear so my burst of motivation the other night fizzled out, and I'm genuinely sorry for that.

So... yeah, I'm trying to come back and get those fics finished. I'm grateful for any of you willing to be patient with me. Consciously I KNOW I deserve any support willingly given to me by any of you, but I FEEL like I don't. So yeah. Thanks. <3

#long post #me irl #i'm sure i had a tag for original posts but i dont' know wtf it was #it's been awhile #I'm too damn old to already have so many regrets #i'm mourning a lot of goals i had once that are no longer options #or even things i'm not as interested in doing anymore #like i'm still sad i didn't do them in the first place even tho i don't wanna do them now #but some stuff i really do want to do #and i hope to regrow my childhood will power soon enough that i can do them #cuz yeah there is a proper midlife crisis going on now #i am halfway to death if i'm lucky #and my life has never been my own #so i'm trying to seize it back but it is really hard to do #I feel like tumblr is the only site that would know where this post is coming from #anywhere else i know it'd just be seen as a sob story excuse or something #i mostly just wanted anyone who's been an abuse victim in a similar way to realize that that's what it is #because i resisted accepting it for so long #and it cost me so much time

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strwbrymlkshake · 2 years

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so upset and disgusted my stomach hurty </3

#mine #💿#im not upset bc of him im upset bc of something else but i wanna rant abt him anyways #he isnt good at holding conversations w me but tried to cheer me up which is nice. an attempt was made #im being less of a weirdo freak around him and distancing more ?? which is good i suppose #i love yandere culture and everything but i only want a yandere relationship thats not based on exploiting weaknesses #like a thing where each partner consents to whatever non traditional act etc. none of this weird stuff #the thing im upset about is sort of regarding my views abt it but not a ref to anything on here ugugugghrg #i dont understand why thered be people who want to see the light of their life in pain and hurting. its about worship and adoration #and treating your love like the object nearest to your heart. like an extension of you. not fucking abusing them #not abusing those who cant do anything for themselves. who cant fight back. who dont have the slightest idea #dont drag people into your sick fantasy just because it gets you off usdhwkffjdkgke im seething rn #anyway i tagged this abt my cd guy so i will continue to talk abt him. when he was messaging me i was very happy #i was so happy i could make him laugh and his happiness made me happy<3 but like literally i cant trust anyone anymore #i know one person cant take care of all my problems but i feel like they could contribute a little more. instead of ignoring me #idk maybe im being weird and everyone acknowledges me a normal amount.. i have irreversible damage in my brain<3 #im being good about not obsessing. having other interests and goals. having a LIFE on my own without craving him everyday #i dont know if im doing it purposefully though or im just afraid. i know i am afraid but is that the only reason? i really am trying #i feel so heartbroken the way i felt more love when a cashier was being nicer to me than almost any of my friends #im like oh ill get doxxed writing that. but i dont think anyone is paying enough attention or cares enough to find me out anyway.#i will settle for second best even if it means they simply regard me positively :( i want to be liked so so badly. just for who i am #not anything like talents or appearance. just me. why doesnt anyone desire me for who i am? maybe its because who i am isnt the best yet #but i want to be loved even if im not the greatest and i dont think thats too much to ask. i want to be loved the way all humans love #but there isnt much of that any more. or if there is they sure have a funny way of showing it. im not supposed to rely on people for things #like this. but i cant just keep telling MYSELF i accept me. that i love me. because i know this already. im fine with me. but no one else #is. ive submitted to the ordeal of being known. to being vulnerable. to pouring my heart out. but everyone who touches it is filthy.#ive fixed myself to the best of my ability yet why am i not being taken notice of. i make myself look nice everyday. what does it take #its so sickening that its hard to find a kind person in the world. you ignore me. i was going to go great lengths to get you a present too #i was gna try so hard but its so easy for you to not try at all. oh well i cant cntrol others i can only sit being tormented by thr actions #i cant work hard enough to make you care about persevering. to not be indifferent. to not be boring. to not be neglectful

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thegreatestheaver · 4 months

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society if i wasnt so gosh darn impaitent

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nereidprinc3ss · 2 months

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light of the morning

in which spencer sneaks into bau!reader's hotel room and they share a little more than just the bed

18+ (smut) warnings/tags: softdom!spence x sub reader, munch!spence, unprotected piv sex (dont do that), creampie (hate that word btw) praise, mentions of having to be quiet because morgan is right next door LOL, fluffy, established co-workers/friends with benefits, soooo idiots in love a/n: here is the promised smut. i am literally kicking my feet and twirling my hair and giggling and blushing at my own writing. I'm gonna have a freak out. requests are open like my legs

It’s late when the knock finally comes. Late enough that you’re dozing on the bed above the covers.

It takes you a moment to reorient yourself—you’re rubbing your heavy eyes when you finally get the door.

"Hi."

"Hey," says Spencer, hands awkwardly shoved into his pajama pants pockets. It’s funny, really. He never gets any better at this.

You step aside and he enters the room, looking around as you close and relock the door.

"Did I wake you?"

"How could you tell?"

"You’re in pajamas. And you look tired. I mean—you don’t look bad. You never look bad, I just meant… you don’t look tired but you’re not—I didn’t mean to—"

"Relax," you yawn, putting him out of his misery. "I was joking. I know I look tired." You glance at the digital clock on the nightstand. "It’s late. We have to be up early tomorrow."

"Yeah, I got, uh, sidetracked. Sorry."

He was reading. If it was anyone else, you'd be offended--but a sinkhole could open up under Spencer's feet and he probably wouldn't notice if he was absorbed in a book.

You shrug, a knowing smile lifting the corner of your mouth.

"It’s fine. But I don’t know if tonight is a good night. I really am exhausted."

His eyebrows dart up.

"That’s fine. That’s totally fine. I’ll just, uh—"

When you don’t move from in front of the door, he pauses, unsure. You bite the inside of your cheek, studying his rangy frame and choice of clothing. Blue pajama pants, slippers, grey CalTech zip up hoodie. It feels wrong to describe a 6'1 man as adorable, but that’s how he looks in his sleep clothes. There’s a very real chance, you find yourself thinking, that you are the only member of the BAU to ever see him in something other than slacks and a button-down. He looks so cozy that you kind of really want him in your bed even if he’s not doing anything but sleeping. The invitation slips out before you can think too hard about it.

"You could… stay, anyway, if you want?"

His mouth parts slightly, and those eyebrows raise again. There’s a moment of awkward silence and you are very much beginning to regret your offer, wondering if you somehow violated the sanctity of your co-workers/friends with benefits situtationship. Clumsily you try to backtrack.

"Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, you can—"

"No, no! You didn’t, I just don’t want you to feel obligated to invite me to stay in your room. I’m right across the hall, I can go back if you want me to."

You smile awkwardly, silent relief replacing the brief anxiety.

"It’s fine. It’s not like we haven’t shared a bed before." And not like you wouldn’t have ended up doing it tonight anyway, if things had gone as originally intended.

He chuckles, looking to the floor and nodding. The blush on his face does not go unnoticed by you. "Fair enough."

It’s incredibly endearing how nervous he still gets after six months of this little arrangement.

"Do you wanna get your stuff, or…"

"No, that’s okay. I’ll just go back early tomorrow. The chances of someone seeing me leave your room are significantly higher if I do it so soon after entering."

You squint, unable to tell if he’s fucking with you or if that’s an actual statistically sound probability. And then you realize, blissfully, that you don’t really care.

"Okay, well. Make yourself comfortable. I’m just going to brush my teeth."

Once you’re enclosed in the bathroom, hotel vanity lights blinding you as you brush, you find that there is a jittery sort of apprehension buzzing in your chest. But that’s silly. As you yourself pointed out, the two of you have shared a bed many times over the past few months. But the sleeping together is always a byproduct of the sleeping together. Never have you shared a bed in a completely decent, virtuous, strictly non-sexual manner. It’s always been a matter of convenience—less bother if he doesn’t have to worry about sneaking back into his room in the middle of the night when you’re both exhausted. Or maybe that’s just what you’ve been telling yourselves.

You rinse your mouth out and exit the bathroom, flicking off the light and finding that Spencer has indeed made himself comfortable. The hotel room is dark and he’s already under the covers, fiddling with his phone.

"What time should I set the alarm for?" He asks, looking over at you as you crawl into bed, drawing the covers over yourself. "I was thinking 6:23. That should give me enough time to—"

"Sounds perfect," you affirm, wiggling under the blanket as you get comfortable. He schedules the alarm and sets his phone on the bedside table, dousing the room in complete darkness. Your eyes stay open despite, waiting for them to adjust. A few moments of utter silence and stillness pass, and you can tell Spencer is completely stiff next to you.

"Spencer."

“Yeah,” he answers immediately. Like he’s even more wired about this whole situation than you are.

"You know you don’t have to avoid touching me at all costs, right? I’m not a leper."

He looses a nervous laugh.

"I know. We’ve just never really done this."

You frown at the darkness.

"We’ve definitely slept in the same bed before."

"Yeah, but… this feels different."

That, you can’t argue with. Can friends with benefits share a bed just to be near each other? Does that blur some line? And why does it feel more intimate than the sex?

Screw it. If there is one thing you don’t want your relationship with Spencer to be, it is uncomfortable. Uncertain, you can work with. But not uncomfortable. You reach for him, hand sliding under the duvet—and find his hand already waiting for yours.

"I don’t think it’s that different," you lie, interlacing your fingers together slowly.

"Prolonged physical non-sexual contact does have measurable health benefits…" the words are murmured, like the moment is fragile and he doesn’t want to shatter it.

"Can’t argue with the facts," you breathe, trying to modulate the shakiness of your voice. But you have a feeling you’re doing about as good of a job at concealing your nerves as he is. He shifts.

"Can I…"

"Yeah."

Your heart is pounding as he slips one arm under your neck and the other around your waist, pulling you close. Instinctually you curl into him, slinging your top leg over him as you’ve done before, but always dismissed as post-sex brain chemicals making you feel all warm and fuzzy. A neurological reaction that is so solidly scientific, neither of you ever questioned it. But it feels bigger now.

He exhales as you settle against each other—a sound of relief that mirrors your own. He’s so warm, so safe as he envelops you, physically and sensorially. In such close proximity, so clear-headed, you notice each layer of his scent. Toothpaste, lavender, vetiver, detergent. You sort of feel like a creep, but you can’t deny how comforting it is. Nor can you deny the pirouette your heart does when he begins minutely rubbing your back, like he’s not even thinking about it.

"Goodnight," you whisper into his shirt.

"Goodnight," he whispers back.

You fall asleep pretty quickly after that.

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It’s unclear what wakes you up—maybe it’s the blue-grey dawn light filtering in through the filthy window (doubtful, it’s still mostly dark) or maybe it’s the blinking green digital clock on the nightstand. 5:02 AM. Your alarm will go off in an hour and 21 minutes.

Sometime in the night you shifted, turning over in your sleep, but Spencer is still holding you close. The arm slung so casually over your waist is slightly domineering, but you manage to rotate again and face him once more. Mere inches away from his face you can see every detail. His expression is so peaceful, it makes your heart ache.

But you’re just friends.

Perhaps he felt you moving, because his eyes flutter open and you watch as they flood with consciousness. He takes you in, takes in his arm over your waist. For a split second you’re nervous he’ll pull away.

"What time is it?" His voice is scratchy with sleep.

"Five."

"Why are you awake? We have over an hour til the alarm goes off."

"Sometimes waking up early is okay."

His eyes flicker between your own, and momentarily you’re paralyzed as you realize this is a limbo state for the two of you in which you’ve never operated. You don’t know what’s acceptable. You don’t know what to do. Being close to him feels so good, that the idea of separating hurts. But you don’t want to make him uncomfortable, or—

He leans forward and kisses you softly. In the blue light of dawn, rather than frenzied and hidden in the dark, a desperate tear of clothes and teeth and hands—it’s almost freeing. All the anxiety you were feeling just seconds ago begins to melt.

Friends.

"You looked anxious," is his whispered answer after he pulls away a moment later, like a kiss is the simplest remedy in the world. He brushes a lock of hair behind your ear. "We should go back to sleep."

"I don’t want to go back to sleep."

The corner of his mouth twitches as he studies you.

"No? What do you want?"

Emboldened by your mutual indiscretion, it’s your turn to kiss him. You feel him smile against your lips, hand finding the back of your neck and raking up through your hair to pull you closer.

The delirium of sleep seems to have softened you, filed down the rough edges of your boundaries and kicked away the lines in the sand. What’s a kiss or two when you’ve just woken up? A small, innocuous display of affection while you’re still barely conscious. Nobody could fault either of you for that. People don’t think clearly when they’ve just been asleep.

So what if your lips part against his, and his other hand finds its way under your shirt to stroke the bare skin of your waist and hips? So what if you hitch that leg over him again and press closer?

Spencer breaks the kiss, still ghosting over your lips.

"I thought it wasn’t a good night?"

"It’s not night time anymore, is it, genius?"

You sneak another kiss, nipping his bottom lip gently as you pull away.

Instead of whatever array of responses you were expecting, Spencer smiles slightly, eyes almost sparkling in the faint light. The hand on your hip moves to your face, gently thumbing across your cheek. He begins to say something, and stops himself—biting his lip to hold back the words.

"What?" you ask, heart dropping. Illusion fracturing.

"I was just—" he begins, pausing for a moment before the words all come out in a rush. "I was just going to tell you how beautiful you are, but I don’t know if that’s something I should say, or if it would feel too… I don’t know…"

He trails off. A rare instance in which he doesn’t have the words.

You do. Intimate. Real. Romantic. And he’s right, it does feel too much like all of those things. But that doesn’t mean you don’t like it, perhaps more than is strictly good for you.

"It’s fine. Thank you."

He continues chewing on his lip for a moment.

"Did I just ruin the mood?"

"No," you laugh, "not at all."

"Thank god," he sighs, surging forward again.

"Since when do you thank god?" You manage between kisses.

He moves to press his lips to your jaw and down your neck.

"Do you want me to talk about the historical and cultural transition of religious expressions into ubiquitous secular colloquialisms right now?"

"Kind of," you breathe.

"No you don’t," he murmurs against your neck as his hands find the hem of your shirt. "You want me to take your clothes off."

Well, he’s not wrong there.

You help him tug the shirt over your head before leaning back into the pillows as he situates himself over you and lavishes more kisses down your neck and collarbones, pausing to suck a mark only when he knows it’s low enough to be covered by your clothing later.

You gasp when his lips brush over your nipple, before running his tongue over the sensitive skin. He glances up at you, and though his mouth is occupied, you can see the humor in his eyes. He loves how sensitive you are—how easy it is to get a reaction out of you.

Of course, you continue to prove him right when he takes the other into his mouth, trying to hold back your little whimpers as he darts his tongue over the peak. Maybe somebody else wouldn’t hear them, but Spencer does. He’s hyper attuned to the sounds you make. Something of a catalogue has begun to form in the back of his mind; he knows exactly what each noise means and how to get them out of you.

Once satisfied, he moves to press a kiss to your sternum.

"You’re gonna be quiet for me, right?" Another kiss above your bellybutton. "Because Morgan is sleeping right on the other side of that wall, and we don’t want to wake him up."

"I’ll be quiet," you promise, somewhat breathlessly. Spencer’s mouth trails lower until he’s pulling your shorts down your legs, leaving you completely naked. He tosses them somewhere on the floor and hooks your legs over his shoulders.

"Good." He plants one last kiss to your thigh and the next one lands right between your legs.

You regret the need to be silent almost as soon as he drags his tongue over your clit. It’s not like the two of you have ever had the privilege of making a lot of noise, as the hotel rooms are always so close to each other, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

Instead you opt to rake your hands through his hair and try to take deep breaths. But he knows exactly what you like—he knows starting light and slow, teasing around your most sensitive spot will work you up to the brink of insanity, just like he knows gentle circles make your back arch and elicit the prettiest little moans.

"More," you beg, and the hands wrapped around your thighs rub soothingly, reassuring you that if you can just be patient you’ll get what you want.

He takes your aching clit into his mouth, sucking lightly and you’re forced to clap a hand over your mouth, muffling the sob of pleasure you can’t hold back. Spencer keeps it up until you’re practically riding his face, teasing your dripping entrance with the tip of his tongue when you get too close.

"Fuck, please, Spence," you whisper through your fingers, hips rutting in your desperation. Somehow it always ends up like this—with him in charge and you begging. Not that you have a problem with it, of course.

He hums into you, and if the way his tongue moves back to circling your clit with newfound fervor is any indication, is apparently satisfied with your entreaty.

You gasp and try to control your breathy moans, but his mouth feels so good on you that your vision is going out and you’re losing touch with reality ever so slightly. You use the last of your brain power to bite down on the back of your wrist, hoping it adequately muffles the noises you make as you come on Spencer’s tongue and he greedily continues lapping at you. There’s really no way of knowing—your ears are ringing anyway.

When you come to a moment later he’s peppering kisses on your thighs, rubbing your hips gently.

"So pretty," he murmurs, climbing back up so your lips can meet again. "Everything about you is pretty."

You paw at his shirt, signaling that you want it off as you moan at the taste of yourself on his tongue, feel your slippery arousal staining the kiss. Spencer helps you, sitting up briefly to unzip his hoodie and pull off his shirt.

You’re the one to drag him back down, and you notice that he pulls the covers back over the both of you in a sweet gesture he probably didn’t even think about.

"Need you to fuck me," you beg, reaching down to try and undress him further.

"So crude. What happened to my nice, sweet girl?" He mumbles against your neck, but helps you with his pants anyway.

"You must have me confused with someone else."

"Doubtful."

You don’t have much time to consider what that could mean before he’s running the head of his cock over your clit and you’re gasping into his mouth, saying please like it’s the only word you know.

"There she is," Spencer croons, slipping inside you slow enough for you to feel every inch but quick enough for it to expel all the air from your lungs. Once he’s opened you all the way up, impossibly deep and close, you’re seeing stars, barely breathing. His head has dropped to your shoulder but now he drags his lips up your neck and jaw. "We okay?"

It’s been a while, you realize, since that last case in Maine. He always takes some getting used to. Hardly able to think around the pressure of his cock you nod, trying to string together a few words.

"Fuck, I need a second." The words come out choked, but you manage. Spencer rubs your hip, his lips brushing yours as he speaks.

"Relax, sweetheart. I don’t want to hurt you."

He curses to himself, dropping his head momentarily. You’re so fucking soft, and warm, and perfect, he can’t think straight. But he has to try because he has to take care of you.

"Spence," you gasp, failing to verbally communicate the intensity of the physical sensation.

"I know, baby," comes his sympathetic coo. "You know you can take me. Deep breaths."

"Mhm," you squeak, trying to take follow his directions and soften your muscles. Spencer keeps rubbing soothingly over your hips, stomach, whatever he can get his hands on, really, pressing kisses all over your face and telling you how good you are, how perfect you feel for him. After a few moments he feels you fluttering around him and experimentally pulls out halfway, before pushing back in equally as slowly. Your jaw drops as he begins to leisurely fuck you, arms wrapping around his back. He gets deeper than you expect every time, rubbing you raw and stretching you out in the most delicious way.

"Perfect, baby. Such a good listener, did exactly what I asked."

You cry out when he begins fucking you impossibly deeper, but still so slow and sweet.

"You feel so fucking good for me," he groans. "This is what you were made for, huh?" You agree enthusiastically, eyes fluttering shut.

"Only for you."

Just three words—but he wasn’t expecting to like hearing you say that as much as he does. A strong desire to possess you overtakes him—one that he’ll probably have the decency to feel guilty about later, but for now feels fucking fantastic and intoxicating.

"Only me?"

You moan an affirmation.

"Good. I don’t want anyone else fucking you, do you understand me?"

"Yes!"

"I’m the only one who gets to touch you," he breathes, speeding up ever so slightly, "nobody else is going to feel you like this. Such a good girl, spreading her legs for me at five in the fucking morning. You’re not doing this for anybody else, baby."

"Uh-uh, please, pleasepleaseplease Spence—"

He knows what you need, reaching a hand down between your bodies to rub your clit.

You gasp an airy, high pitched curse, hips twitching but unable to escape the near-punishing rhythm of his own. It’s obvious that your orgasm is close, but you can’t even warn him, too overwhelmed with pleasure. He kisses you, swallowing your moans that have probably become just a bit too loud given the whole hotel thing.

No words are exchanged between the two of you as you near the finish line for a change, open mouths slipping against each others in what is too messy to be called a kiss. Your orgasm body-slams you, a choked silent scream as you tighten around Spencer and he seems to come at nearly the exact same moment—deep inside you, slowly rolling his hips in a few more strong thrusts as he finishes.

You let out a delayed moan at the sensation of being filled up, still pulsing around him as he comes to a halt, buried inside of you. He drops his head to your neck, and you can feel each breath against your flushed skin. Other than the panting, you’re both silent for a while. Spencer seems to gather himself sooner than you do, finally breaking the quiet.

"You okay?"

All you can manage is a little squeak, at which he looses a breathy chuckle. His hand slides to your hip, gently stroking the skin with a thumb.

"Need your words, angel girl."

"I’m okay," you coo into his shoulder, but he has to strain to hear it above his own breathing.

"Yeah? Why so quiet?"

But it seems that at least for the moment, he’s gotten all the words he can out of you. When he tries to move, you whimper indignantly, clutching onto him tighter.

"I really did a number on you this time, huh?" He laughs when you nod into him. "Are you falling asleep?"

"Mhm," you hum dreamily, little puffs of warm air slowing against his neck.

"You can have…" he cranes his head to check the digital clock, "48 minutes."

"An hour."

He settles his weight on you once more, pressing a chaste kiss to your throat. His voice is low and gentle as he admonishes you.

"I said 48 minutes."

But it doesn’t matter—you’re already asleep, or close enough to it. Spencer takes the opportunity to shift you to your side, and the way you wrap around him like a vine even unconsciously makes his heart ache. He really should go now—the earlier he gets out of your room the less likely certain complications will arise—but how can he possibly leave you like this? A vulnerable, dreamy girl with tangled hair haloing around her on the pillow case, clinging to him with blind trust that he’ll watch over her as she sleeps? No—there’s no way he’s leaving yet. Instead, he brings you closer. 48 perfect minutes will go by far too quickly, he’s sure.

#criminal minds #spencer reid #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fic #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x self insert #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you #spencer reid smut #criminal minds smut

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aliorsboxostuff · 10 months

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hi V3 I am so sorry i am BLOWING UP YOUR INBOX OMGGG but I totally forgot the character Id like is Hobie, I think cause I was talking about him I thought I said his name but i forgor ty bae ily 🤗🤗🗣️‼️‼️‼️‼️

HOBIEEE gotta be my fav 2nd to Miguel, i’m working on a fanart of that cool mf too. He’s such an interesting character to write, i’m honestly pretty sad i only thought something so short for this HC’s T-T I hope you enjoy this though big man, Hobie is definitely the type to hang out with you when youre going through those rough times <3

"Anythin' you wanna be."

Tags: Hobie Brown & ftm!Reader, fluff, dysphoria, Headcanons, going through those tough times, Hobie being the Homie he is, Reader is implied a Spider-person, But also up to interpretation, Comfort and Fluff, no angst

Hobie Brown headcanons for anyone that’s going through those dysphoric episodes <3

first of all, let's get one thing straight here: Hobie FULLY SUPPORTS you being trans

He doesn't see you as anything fem aligned unless said otherwise

lets you crash in his universe, especially when you need it

he thrifts a lot of big and baggy jackets and sweaters, only to give them to you saying he "bought the wrong size"

There's definitely a couple of sweaters from his own wardrobe that you've stolen

you've definitely worn his jacket that he usually wears over his spidey suit, it makes you feel as cool as him

he made you your own jacket, with a trans pin and another with his Spidey logo

lets you borrow anything you want because he knows it makes you feel good

the type to check in on you if you've been binding the whole day

When things get too much and you feel bad in your own skin, Hobie would spend time with you in his universe

he makes you a comfy fort blanket where you can stay and watch anything you please while he plucks the strings of his guitar on the floor

definitely, the type to get you anything you wanna eat when you've lost your appetite

stays by your side, letting you lean on him when you seek comfort

If it gets too much as tears start to fall, he’ll hold you through it, brings you into his arms while you let all those feelings out

Rakes his fingers through your hair or just likes softly petting you if it helps you calm down

completely understands if you need some alone time when dealing with dysphoria, making sure you have enough snacks and water before he leaves to hang somewhere else

he's the spokesperson whenever you wanna be left alone, making sure the others won't bother you too

Says "You're cooler than me mate, cooler than Miles too,"

says dumb shit like; "You are the manliest man to ever man," or "No one does a better job being a boy than you," Just to make you feel better

his side-eye game STRONG 💪dont look at you weird or he'll give them a bone-chilling, soul-crushing, ‘wish I was dead’ side eye

He and Pav is the type to make little trinkets for their friends tbh, he deff makes pins from bottle caps and gives them to you

His favorite spot to bring you when you feel down is near the top of any tall building, bringing snacks and a blanket. He says it makes him feel better knowing everyone is so small, and the world is huge, so in the end, nothing really matters and so be whatever the fuck you wanna be.

Requests are open! Reblogs are appreciated <3

#hobie brown #hobie brown x reader #hobie brown & reader #hobie brown x trans!reader #hobie brown x you #hobie brown x y/n #hobie brown x ftm!reader #hobie brown x male reader #hobie brown headcanons #hobie brown hcs #hobie headcanons #hobie x reader #hobie x you #hobie my beloved #across the spiderverse #hobie brown across the spiderverse

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thisismeracing · 1 year

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King of my heart | ms47 | part 01

Pairing: hamilton!reader (she/her) x mick schumacher

Warnings: curse words, twitter environment (somehow I feel like this should be a warning lol) not proofread etc etc. Minors DNI!

series masterlist | my masterlist | part 02

Summary: there’s a new presence at the paddock, but what nobody knows is a)it's not really her first time around; b)she’s a Hamilton; and c)her open presence will now cause a shift in the place. Everyone knew that pilot-related girls were off limits, especially a sister’s pilot, but that did not scare Mick and Y/n away.

a/n: none of the pictures used are mine, they are all from Pinterest and other apps. everything else is made up by me and I do not give permission for it to be published on a different platform. I would appreciate it if those things could be taken into consideration 💛

theofficialyn

liked by lizzobeating, lewishamilton and others

theofficialyn on Sundays I do be wearing black 🖤

view all 3680 comments

user1999 omg are these heels from the new collection??? I love it!

interlandos OMG LEWIS LIKED!!!!

⤷ formulaoneforever its not that deep, bruh, I liked lewis last post and were not dating...

⤷ ynnature yeah but did you watch the race from the paddock? @formulaoneforever

⤷ formulaonerorever ok you got me there 💀 but I still think its not that deep!

f1forlife this is giving me rooting for mercedes energy...

perfectyn silence, mother is mothering

lewisunshine is it true youre dating lewis????

⤷ leclercsson yeah because she would casually answer you in here, honey... Istg ppl lost their minds

artisticform1 anyone else from brazil and thought about that art piece (abaporu) with how her feet are close to the screen 🤣🤣🤣

⤷ user0 not funny but I will laugh

user7 I dont see all that beauty, she’s just...average.

⤷ royaltyn shut up

theofficialyn

liked by lewishamilton, mercedesamgf1 and others

theofficialyn I am the luckiest sister in the world. Thank you for being my best friend and protector since forever 🖤

tagged: lewishamilton

comments on this post are disabled

mickschumacher started following theofficialy/n

theofficialy/n started following mickschumacher

********************

make sure you like and reblog <3 feel free to talk to me as well, my inbox is always open!

wanna be tagged on my stories? click here

#mick schumacher imagine #f1 imagine #social media au f1 #mick schumacher social media au #black!reader #black!reader f1 #hamilton!reader #afab!reader #f1 imagines #ms47

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ataraxixx · 7 months

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AJAX 1K DTIYS!!yayyyyyyyy

(flats under the cut btw)

hey guys. heres that dtiys i promised for 900 followers and waited so long to make i ended up getting 100 more followers. so this is a 1k follower dtiys now. sorry. anyway. THANKS FOR 1K FOLLOWERS? you guys are awesome i appreciate the support for my insanity. to honor that insanity i have made a dtiys of the 3 characters i am most insane about(shocking nobody) lets go papaya nation👻⚙️👹!!!!

le RULES?

> draw morro harumi and echo together.....idrc if theyre watching tv like in the drawing tbh i just did that because i wanted to draw it. feel free to use the drawing as inspiration for your own artwork but dont feel limited . just make sure to include those 3 interacting at minimum! you can include other chars if u want too idrc but the focus is this trio

> umm that being said no morro x harumi. thanks. i dont care in terms of anything else if u wanna make it platonic or romantic but keep that one out of here pls🙏

> doesnt have to be my designs! feel free to use ur own designs for the characters as long as u include all 3 of them. u can do a mixture or something too idgaf. get silly with it

> tag me & include #ajax1kdtiys on the post because tumblr sucks a lot sometimes

> EDIT: entries due november 15th now bc i had a couple ppl ask for an extension and also im really busy rn lel💀

prizes???

guys i foyght for my life in the trenches last time trying to decide winners so we're doing it a different way now. im just gonna assign every entry a number and draw straws if youre cool with that. its much easier i think..

so basically i am just gonna pull 3 random names out of the hat and all winners will get 1 fullbody drawing of their choice!! no first second third etc thats too complicated 4 me. i mostly just want this to be for fun for anyone interested in participating:)

FINAL NOTES if anyone has any questions feel free to DM me or send an ask. the flats for the drawing are included below for reference. byeee

#ajax art #ninjago #ajax1kdtiys #morro wu #echo julien #harumi jade #papaya trio #yahooooo #i heart them #post crystallized au

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dwampyverseawards · 3 months

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NOMINATIONS FOR THE AWARDS

Hello all!! As previously noted, this is going to be an awards poll/ceremony for the dwampyverse fandom!

All types of creators and interesting people will be spotlighted here, and I've decided that everyone submitted and ok with being included will get an award of some kind!

There will be three categories of awards: General(Favorite Writer or Funniest Fic), Fandom Specific(Most Milo Murphy's Law Art or Most Phineas and Ferb Trivia), and Specific Ones That Don't Fit Anywhere Else For Specific People Because This Isn't Just For Big Names In The Fandom(Will be simplified to just One-Off)(Most Interesting Self-Made Merch or Silliest Impression)

In addition, those categories will be split into two sections: People(talented or underrated people in the fandom) and Works(fanworks on their own, separate from the creator, and hopefully a lot of classics or big projects)

These are all examples, with the only currently set awards basically being the big ones: Favorite Writer, Favorite Artist, and Most Influential Work. There will be a number of smaller ones, along w the more specific ones for individuals! Please feel free to suggest any awards you would like to see/get, as the low number is simply because we don't know how many people will sign up/be submitted.

Keep in mind that while you can nominate anyone, there are inevitably people in this fandom that have my main blocked, and unless they specifically ask to be entered, they will not be nominated out of respect for their boundaries. In addition, as stated multiple times, if anyone who has themselves/their works submitted does not want to be in these polls, they can drop out at any time!

Submissions end in 30 days, on Feburary 25th, or 2/25/24! If we get a massive amount of submissions, this might end early.

I will stay unbiased on my own blog and this one, even if I myself am submitted, dw.

Tags for reach, pls tell me if u dont wanna be tagged n ill remove it @danvillecheese @adhdoofenshmirtz @ferbracket

#Phineas and Ferb #Pnf #Milo Murphy's Law #Mml #Hamster and Gretel #H&G #Nominations

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emmitaaa4 · 3 months

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Minor HOFAS spoilers ig?

The Walmart bonus chapter just leaked and good lord some people need to be for real. I'm so tired of people picking and choosing evidence.

So you're telling me that *gasp* Azriel's shadows seem to dance when he hums?? they react to sound/music?? no way. people from all sides of the fandom have been saying that for years (and use it for different arguments), and looks like ppl are still tying anything they can to feed their ship--which is fine but at least make it somewhat accurate.

The above is the last page of the Az/Bryce/Nesta chapter, and just as a refresher, this is the oh-so controversial phrases from the Az bonus chapter:

"(...) one of his shadows went out to dance with it (gwyn's breath) before twirling back to him. like it heard some silent music." and "(...) he could have sworn a faint, beautiful singing followed him. could have sworn his shadows sang in answer."

I'm confused, which is it? Was the shadow's reaction to her breath & the singing he heard all metaphorical, thereby hinting at a mating bond between gwyn & az (as in "music between souls")? Or was it rather azriel's shadows reacting to a literal sound coming from someone who has arguably been hinted at having some voice/song-related abilities? Because if it is the first, then this new HOFAS excerpt is completely unrelated. Well unless Azriel has a mating bond with himself? pleaseee make it make sense I beg. And if the second is true, it would mean that for someone to be able of making his shadows dance, they'd have to have similar powers as him... its just gonna fuel the lightsinger theories (which btw approx 5 ppl are saying means that gWyn is eViL) so this literally changes nothing. nada. absolument rien.

Oh also.

"He says no partner right now, aka NO FUCKING ELRIEL. ELRIEL IS DEAD." (no hate to whoever posted that btw)

He literally rushes out that answer. Idk about you guys but to me the poor man still seems internally dead over the whole mate existential crisis, which as far as we know was left with him wondering "what if the cauldron was wrong". Sidenote but if I understood correctly, this all happens 2-3 months post acosf and Bryce spends ±5 days in Prythian, so it is very likely that it is all set during Acotar 5, and that the events of HOFAS in general are happening while Az is separated from the other MC (ie. the acotar5 FMC).

Regardless of all I just said, I am going to ask people once again to be for real. cause this whole chapter Azriel keeps glaring at Nes when she is about to reveal too much info, so WHY would he be mentioning Elain (or literally anyone he cares about) to someone who he is said to be highly suspicious of? make it make sense x2

Almost forgot. Last thing.

"Azriel said that Nesta killed the King! He didn't credit Elain!"

... no? for context, this is what Az said:

See my second point above. He told Bryce exactly what Nes did, and nothing more: she beheaded Hybern. We could speculate about what his look at Truthteller made him think of... but tbh I'll leave it to someone else cause perso I dont really see the point.

I am getting tired guys... guess who finally understands what "fandom fatigue" is.

-----quick edit-----

I don't mean to sound hypocritical by tagging ships, cause tbh i dont even wanna put acotar ship tags to this, mais bon c'est la vie et j'en peux plus. this fandom is kind of a mess. Goodnight loves ♡

#hofas #hofas spoilers #azriel #anti gwynriel #elriel #azriel shadowsinger #elain archeron

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glamjrwi · 2 years

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Okay I’m making this while tired but I figure I can at least get it started and smart people can add on. if you’re here from jrwitwt first off HELLO!!! Welcome. I know there have been several posts going around saying watch your step, we do things differently here, and to get with it, that might seem a bit intimidating. So I wanted to make this non-exhaustive list of how tumblr works and HOW we do things different so you can get settled in :)

also these are just to the best of my ability and based off my time here i am by no means a standard, just a starting point

-You might’ve heard this one already but there isn’t much of an algorithm here. You can follow certain tags and blogs. The best way to find people is to just scroll through tags and check out blogs whose posts you enjoyed

-reblogging is standard. Likes are typically for letting a mutual(or anyone rlly) know you saw their post or during liveblog sessions(at least that’s how I use them) while we have replies on posts that might look like a comment section. It really isn’t most of the time. Comments are normally put in the tags of reblogs. It’s completely okay if your blog is just reblogs that’s super normal here. you don’t have to have an original thought if you don’t want to

-If you really don’t want to post/lurk and only follow ppl, change your pfp so we know you aren’t a bot. Blank blogs have a history of being bots and if we can’t tell you’re a person a lot of people will block on sight. Just fair warning

-We do a lot of blocking here. If you don’t like someone’s posts, block em and keep going. The filter tags system on tumblr really works(I’ve heard twt is fussy and not great) and most people tag things appropriately here so you Will Not see the shit you don’t want to

-TAG THINGS APPROPRIATELY PLEASE it’s a give and take. When it comes to spoilers, as long as the original poster tagged it you normally don’t have to tag it again in a reblog but you can out of courtesy

-Bonus point a lot of us use “jrwilb” as a tag when everyone is on the dash liveblogging a stream ep or just when they get around to watching it. Some people have personalized ones, and some ppl also main tag their liveblogs so it’s just a good one to know ahead of time

-People chit chat through asks frequently. You don’t have to feel shy abt it, esp if you are being friendly. But if you’re anxious a lot of people leave on anon asks so you don’t have to have your name attached

-We don’t really do callouts/negativity posts. If you see a take or headcanon you aren’t fond of going around. You can block/filter, or you can make a positivity post or post abt your own interpretation!!! A lot of people here love different takes and headcanons and try to value all of them. Again, if one squicks you really bad, filter/block it. If you really wanna complain, be sure to do it in dms or a private discord server

-our concept of what jokes are okay to post are very lax. there really isnt an official thing but i’ve tended to notice we dont really tend to do anything the council havent done. we joke abt gillion tits and eggs here because the council have done it. we have made very lewd jokes because . . . mcs and everything else grizzly does when he’s not playing dakota. so be prepared to be jarred by how . . . interesting it gets here

Okay that’s all I can think of for now. Members of councilblr feel free to add anything smile

#also if you are adding pls keep the tone friendly smile #i wanted to make a greetings post #for the twt refugees fleeing the discourse site #jrwi #just roll with it #what tags would twt ppl search hmmm #jrwi show #jrwishow #councilblr

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nowandthane · 3 months

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Mass Effect Trilogy Tag

tagged by @menacingmetal thank you!!!! <3

tagging @grim-starling @stormikins @vakariansvixen @westernlarch @illusivesoul @drelldreams @xoshepard (i know you already got tagged but tag me in yours too if u do it i wanna see it xD) <3 and anyone else who wants to do this!!

I am a fan since: I first played in September 2022 and it's consumed my life since! I had the OT since like 2018/19??? but i couldnt play because it gave me motion sickness kjdfhgkdf then I got MELE free cause amazon was doing a thing and by that point i had friends who taught me to mod the game and i can play with relatively few issues now :3

Favourite game of the series?: oooh idk i love them all and i played them first time all in a row so theyre kind of like one game to me... probably me2?

MShep or FShep?: femshep. ive yet to complete a game with anyone other than femshep. well, anyone other than sarani specifically lmao but hopefully that'll change xD

Earthborn, Colonist or Spacer?: earthborn!! (sarani again xD)

Biotics or Tech: tech (again... sarani. she is not a biotic)

Paragon or Renegade: paragon choices, renegade dialogue xD

Favourite Class: infiltrator!! ive never played a class other than infiltrator (yes, you guessed it, sarani :3) but im trying out vanguard like anytime now so we'll see?

Favourite Companion:

Least favourite Companion:

you could put a gun to my head and i still wont answer those two i will not choose

My squad selection: i dont really have a main i think? it depends on who's narratively appropriate for the mission, then on who will help me most with their build. i try to make sure everyone has equal time cause i wanna see them all....

Favourite In-game romance: well it's def thane if youve known me a while youd know i used his name for like over a year while i was figuring out my gender stuff xD also garrus and tali ofc <3 but tbh they're all good!! with the exception of jacob cause bioware did him so dirty ugh

Other pairings I like: joker/edi, miranda/ashley, miranda/jack are some of my faves but tbh this world is my playground i WILL mix and match them xD

Favourite NPC: jenkins nihlus and aethyta, i kind of really want her to [liara shoots and kills me]

Favourite Antagonist: Saren for sure i need him to choke me

Favourite Mission: Priority: Tuchanka probably... i love mordin so much and his arc... beautiful

Favourite Loyalty Mission: Tali!!!

Favourite DLC: arrival. ok no lmao. omega probably!

Control, Synthesis or Destroy: destroy i guess but only because i pretend the geth and edi dont die lmao.

Favourite Weapon: black widow!!!!!

Favourite Place: Rannoch

A quote I like: Tali's 'The difference was you.' and 'I got better. I got you.' (very romance specific i know i love her okay) garrus's 'gray... i dont know what to do with gray.' legion's 'do these units have a soul?' kolyat saying 'the prayer was for you' when wrex says shepard is a sister to him

im gonna go cry now

#thank you for tagging me metal <3 #i am your pookie #tag games #mass effect

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unfunnyaceartist · 1 month

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Vent post ahead that may change your view on me and that may sound dramatic (NOT DIRECTED AT ANYONE, THIS IS JUST IN GENERAL) Mostly just to get out my feelings. I only ask that if you look, to be kind and understanding and patient. Also the tags are silly and id appreciate if you read em. id appreciate if you didnt ask me anything on it

I feel toxic sometimes because i can get so jealous i borderline gatekeep things and I always feel so bad because its never intentional but then I end up hating myself because I know its unhealthy and irrational but I cant help it, and I know im so lucky and have a lot in many senses of the word, but at times it feels like they can be taking everything, because when I like someone or something, they tend to matter a fuck-ton to me. Im sorry to anyone ive lashed out at a bit for them wanting what I have, I really am. Its not coming from a place of hostility, rather a place of trauma responses and hyperfixation that stem from my adhd and autism but like when I try something and it goes great, and then someone else is like "OOH thats awesome I wanna do that too" It feels almost like when Im finally happy or excited or proud to have something, someone comes and takes it. Usually Ill play it off as a joke, but in reality, its complete honesty that im trying to soften so I dont upset anyone, especially when its over fiction or a person, because I do NOT own them and I know that, but it bothers me when someone swoops in to do the exact same things or even one-up especially when its really soon after me, and since my self worth is already abysmal, it just makes me feel worse, like I should be lucky to have what I do to begin with, but I feel the need to hold it close to me and protect it so I dont lose things that make me really happy.

Recently Ive even started reverse gatekeeping in response to others, where ill just tell myself I cant or dont deserve to have anything special because I'm not, and only others can enjoy this. But thats why people making me ship content makes me so happy. Its dumb to get jealous over others selfshipping with a character I like. Its dumb to get upset over someone I know copying or taking heavy inspiration from one of my ideas. Its dumb to get possessive over someone else trying to befriend my new awesome friends or wife/wives. I rarely selfship anymore due to my reverse gatekeeping and instead serve the others who simp or enjoy content. I provide since I feel I cant take. It makes me happy and distracts me. But the moment someone else does something similar to what is my toxic coping mechanism for my toxic coping mechanism, it only hurts worse. Thats why sometimes, for example, I get a bit snappy when someone else provides gummybunny (that and also shipping jealousy sometimes). Thats why I get snappy when I make a friend someone else super cool and then another person comes in and wants to befriend them (No darken, this wasnt directed at you, its happened more than once with more than one person but I know how you tend to assume). I LOVE giving but I hate sharing, because all my life whenever I shared, I lost something.

Introduce a friend to a friend? They leave me behind for eachother. Let someone wear my fitbit because they wanted to feel "rich"? It got stolen. Give money to someone in a "rough spot" who promised to repay me somehow? Never saw them again. I was always so trusting and understanding, and I always made excuses for others. Always so naive and gullible. So much so, in fact, that in elementary I kept letting my bullies pretend to be my friends when they claimed they changed, and let them destroy any ounce of worth I had whatsoever. Things that make me happy I CHERISH because of all the things ive lost and all my experiences. Ive never been hit, not once, but the abuse all my life came emotionally and mentally, and I only recently realized through therapy. Now its hard to trust people in certain situations. Sorry for my probably hard to follow and melodramatic rant.

sorry im dumb haha

#tw vent #By the time I finished writing the post I was no longer a mess about it but im still gonna post it #I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD IF I SEE ANYONE APOLOGIZING FOR MY OWN ISSUES IM GONNA BE PISSED #yall read all the tags its beneficial lol #Ngl SOME of this jealousy hits hardest with Gummy #because Ill FINALLY get fed some simp food for myself #and then yk #theyll kinda show up and ask to receive the same stuff #or act jealous #gummy #babe I love you #BUT DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU HAVE FEEDING YOU GUMMYBUNNY CONSTANTLY????#Like mine is rare and far between #and I dont draw much selfship unlike you #LET ME HAVE SOME THINGS DAMMIT #And then Darken over here when I get a cool new friend just like:#... is for me? 🥺👉👈#/nm for both things #im the embodiment of envy and greed arent I...#I hate upsetting people #I just keep it to myself and internalize my emotions mostly #haha now you guys know how possessive and jealous I am #its giving yandere 🥰💅✨🗣💃🕺😍😘😼🤠🤭😇🙄🤩😜😝🤑🧐😈#i regret my life choices right about now

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slaughtrtime · 3 months

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hi your tags were endlessly lovely and if you have anything else to add even if its rambly I would listen with big shiny eyes and active listening ears like those stupid posters. i care so very much.

HI EDEN (waves my hands at you) i think people tend to put a LOT of rules on themselves (that usually line up with societal pressures) this is super prevalent in MOST queer spaces id say. the infighting, arguing over whats valid, whats not, etc etc whatever and it leads to a lot of doubt but its not just a thing in queer spaces, its pretty much everywhere like "oh, im not a REAL artist! i dont have x amount of followers/im not making money/its just a hobby" THATS NOT HOW THESE THINGS WORK. if you create and make things you are an artist. writers are artists, composers, musicians, hobbyist, freelancers, beginners. you are all artists. if you say ur an artist you are an artist ^ best example i can think of thats not about queer people yellin with each other like along with me thinkin i was transmasc i also thought i wasnt a lesbian for a bit (even though YEARS ago i had ID'd as lesbian And then the doubt. its relevant) cuz i had put all these rules on what i THOUGHT being lesbian was supposed to be and none of those rules had any actual weight. sexuality is SO much more fluid than a rigid rule if i say im a butch poly lesbian then thats what i am, and if that changes one day then thats okay, go with tha flow but like if you hear a group of people saying x identity isnt valid or you cant be x because of some arbitrary rule, You internalize that. Mostly subconsciously. it doesnt matter if you are one thing or the other, if you say you are something then you ARE something. u can b whatever you wanna be and frankly its no one elses business. if you find urself having a debate with someone that says you arent valid then they arent worth ya time [smile] DONT LET ANYONE ELSE TELL YOU WHAT TO THINK ABOUT YOURSELF. YOU KNOW URSELF BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE WILL

#asks

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buffysummers · 2 months

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hi! those are my tags on your xander gifset. i have followed you for a long time & am pretty familiar with your opinions and the things you make (and am a massive fan of the vast majority of both!!!) and i know you obviously dont just pick the most memeable moments for the alphabet sets!! but i did just wanna message you to kinda stand by what i said -- the xander set specifically (and ive seen most of them!) i think does excessively highlight his negative qualities. more than half of the gifs are from the first three seasons and almost all the rest are from the seventh--i think xanders flaws (the misogyny, the toxic masculinity, insecurity, possessiveness, etc) are important and you should show them! i love xander so much because of how he grows. but when i say you have his best and worst and your opinion on him shows, i mean i think you chose to dwell on his early shittiness and then add in his best late moments, at the cost of using the gifset to show the growth that happens over the course of seasons 4-6. and i didnt really mean it as a criticism just an observation! and im not trying to fight, just wanted to explain what i was thinking, please take this in good faith. i love your blog and your thoughts and gifing talents make the buffy fandom a better place.

Hi! Thanks so much for saying that 🩷 I definitely did not think you meant to fight, so don't worry! I can be overly sensitive because the Buffy fandom tends to be overly critical of people's work, and often their criticisms are not based on the actual text of the show.

So, I just want to defend why I did that for his set, if you don't mind?

So, Xander's gifset is 18 gifs. Which, is a lot. I am not sure if you make gifsets yourself, but this takes a very, very long time. As you noted, Xander is not my favorite, but I also don't hate Xander. Having said that, I did not particularly enjoy making his set because 1) he is not a fav of mine, and 2) I knew it would flop because a lot of people do hate him. So, it did feel a bit like I was wasting my time because I knew very few people would appreciate the hard work and time I put into making the set.

As for the reasons why I chose those scenes for the set, I will walk you through it since I know you actually like Xander and would perhaps be interested in knowing my thought process behind each gif. (for anyone else who is reading this, I am referring to this set)

I start off every set with an introduction to the character, and more than likely, it's the character's introduction to Buffy, as she is the titular character and it's her show. The only exception is Tara, because while Tara is most definitely important to Buffy (especially in season 6), their development comes later on, and Tara is Willow's girlfriend. (Tara was the only romantic interest character set I did that was not for Buffy. I should also note I only did Angel for Buffy. So, two romantic interests in total.)

I chose this gif for a couple of reasons. The first was to display Xander's willingness to help Buffy, which also displays his bravery. The second was to show his toxic masculinity, how he appears to not only struggle with the idea of a woman being more important/powerful than him, but this is also a deep-rooted issue that we see a lot in the show. Given how important he is to the show, I did not feel the need to show several gifs concerning this trait because it would be overkill.

Xander's main function in the narrative is to serve as Buffy's friend, but he's also the classic "pines over the main character" trope. I thought this moment with the bracelet was sweet. It shows that he cares for her, but it also shows how awkward and nervous he is about potentially displaying those feelings.

Well, this is just a big moment for both characters. Xander, after pining for Buffy for the entire first season, finally admits to his feelings for Buffy. This takes a lot out of him.

A huge heroic moment for Xander, especially since she just rejected him. There were a lot of scenes I could've chosen, like him showing up to Angel's apartment, or him not caring about potentially dying as long as he could help Buffy. Ultimately, I chose what resulted of his bravery, ie: saving Buffy.

I chose this scene for a few reasons. The first is to show his loyalty to Buffy. Out of all the Scoobies, he is the only one to stay with Buffy the entire time she's in the hospital and he guards her room in case Angelus shows up. But, as is the case with a lot of his decisions in the first three seasons, his actions are motivated by his romantic feelings for Buffy. He hated Angel long before Angelus, and he even admits as much. This scene shows Xander's feelings and loyalty to Buffy, while also highlighting his hatred for not only Angelus, but his jealousy regarding Buffy and Angel's relationship. There is a reason why Angelus says this to Xander. He knows this will get under his skin and hurt him the most.

This is perhaps the first gif that truly just highlights his toxicity. Again, his feelings regarding Buffy/Angel and Angelus is his main narrative function in season two. There are (almost) no layers to this scene, in my opinion. He says this because he's jealous. I don't truly believe he cares all that much about Jenny for a lot of reasons, but mostly because of what happens in 7.05. Also, Buffy would never, ever want to simply erase or forget about Jenny's death, especially because of how much she loves Giles. She's also just a very compassionate person. What he says to her is simply untrue, and he only says this to hurt her because, once again, he's jealous.

I mean, this moment is too important to not include in the set. It is the worst thing he does in the entire show. So, even though it piggyback's off of the previous gif, you could say this is him putting his money where his mouth is. Before, he merely voiced his disdain for Angel/Angelus. This is him acting on it. This is him taking his jealousy to an entirely new level. This is pure selfishness.

The Scoobies really, really suck in "Dead Man's Party." They are super dismissive of Buffy's feelings and they minimize her trauma. They are all too concerned with how Buffy's disappearance impacted them, while overlooking where she's been and why she felt the need to flee to begin with. That is not to say the Scoobies's feelings shouldn't be factored in, but this scene perfectly encapsulates the messiness that is this episode. And Xander is by far the worst in this episode, so that is why his set gets the gif. Also, as stated above, Xander's character is very deeply tied to Buffy. He has a richly developed arc, but it mostly revolves around her, unlike Willow.

I tried to include more of the dialogue from this scene, but it covered his entire face and looked ugly. But I do think "I like the quiet" is powerful enough on his own. An outstanding moment for Xander. Such a great episode, overall.

This is so, so sweet and also shows you how much Xander has grown. It also highlights his emotional intelligence, which we haven't seen a lot of at this point in the series. Could this have to do with Angel leaving? Maybe. But he sees that Buffy is down, and takes the time to pick her up and support her. It's a wonderful friend moment.

I don't think this needs to be explained much. He saved the world. A courageous moment and this also displays his emotional intelligence and his ability to reach people.

I included this gif because 1) it's funny and 2) it's a good piece of exposition.

This is him reflecting on his years in high school and showing appreciation. A very good moment for him.

Supporting another Summers sister while also providing good exposition on his narrative purpose.

We all know he's the comic relief, so I thought it was best to include at least one gif that states that.

This shows his bravery once again. He lost an eye, he has no special powers, but hey, he still wants to go down fighting standing next to the woman he loves. (I still believe he is in love with Buffy. Fight me!) This scene is also reminiscent of when he followed her in 1.02, 1.12, and when he and Willow wanted to look for Buffy in 2.14.

This is a cute moment between them, and also very true. He brought Buffy back to life twice, and he also played a huge part in why she survives after Warren shot her.

So, while I agree that there's a lot of gifs from seasons 1-3, and 7, I think this set accurately encapsulates his function within the show's narrative. I did not include any gif from season 5, it is the only season that did not get a gif. And I thought a lot about that season. I could have included his relationship with Anya, or maybe his career taking off, but I just don't think that is as important as his relationship with Buffy and Willow.

If you look at Willow's set, for instance, there's a lot from season 6 because that's her season. I think Xander serves the narrative more in the early seasons, and in the final season, which is where he's at his best.

I did my best with the set, and I think I did a good job, even if you maybe don't agree with me. I hope you have a better understanding of the set now!

#xander harris #answered #buffy thoughts #pitchblackveins #there's probably typos I apologize

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