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cimeret · 1 year

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Some more thoughts on Tales of the Jedi. Only episode 4, because it got long.

The Sith Lord

There was so much going on in this episode that it was almost overwhelming. I feel like it would have been better to split it into two episodes, but then again, all previous Dooku episodes would have benefited from being longer. Also, the timeline keeps confusing me. At first I thought the episode retcons Dooku leaving the Order ten years before TPM and sticks to the Legends continuity where Qui-Gon’s death in TPM is what gives him the final push to leave. Because this episode seems to give the impression that Dooku is still part of the Order. He could just be visiting as an ex-Jedi, of course. We know that after he resigned, the Jedi still spoke highly of him and treated him with respect, even Mace (especially Mace, ironically) and he was allowed to keep his lightsaber and visit the Temple. But here he is still wearing his Jedi robes, as in the previous episodes. If he had already taken up his title as Count of Serenno, wouldn’t he dress differently? Then again, he wore the Serennian cloak/cape before, so maybe I’m thinking way too much about fashion choices again. I’m assuming he left the Order early, because nothing in this episode really contradicts it.

The way humans age in this universe is just as confusing to me. Jocasta looks the same as in AOTC, meanwhile I’d really like to know what kind of vegetables Dooku eats to still look this good at 70.

(Their height difference is adorable!)

I loved that we got another brief encounter between Qui-Gon and Dooku. You can see how proud Dooku is of him and that he cares for him, especially since Dooku normally isn’t the most emotionally expressive person. That he doesn’t know what his former padawan has been up to also hints to that he is only here for a visit (though Qui-Gon doesn’t seem all that surprised to see him at the Temple). Judging by his thoughtful look after Qui-Gon left, he might feel a little concern and guilt toward him because Dooku is obviously aware of the Sith Lord and even conspiring with him. (He may even be toying with the idea of telling/recruiting Qui-Gon, since he is already considering him as an ally.) The brief scene really ties into TPM nicely and foreshadows the conversation between Dooku and Obi-Wan in AOTC, where it’s now becoming easier and easier to imagine that Dooku’s words were at least partially sincere. But damn, there go my wild dreams of Filoni somehow finding some creative, nonsensical way of soft-retconning that line in AOTC about Obi-Wan and Dooku never having met before.

What struck me most about this episode was Yaddle. Going into the show, I didn’t expect her to become one of my favorite characters. She is just so gentle and warm in the Temple scenes, trying to comfort Dooku and asking him if he’s alright. And later, she refuses to give up on him even after she overheard all the terrible things he has done ... she tries to reach out to him with kindness and compassion and it broke my heart because Dooku is so stupid and doesn’t deserve her. Interesting how the dynamic of this confrontation is completely different from how Padmé or Obi-Wan tried to talk some sense into Anakin. And that makes it even more tragic, because Dooku is given a pretty easy way to turn his back on Sidious and the dark side. Yaddle even encourages him that she’s listening to him, that she sees his point about the Council, and she implies that she resigned because she shares some of his views. And the way the episodes set up this whole encounter, with all the wistful and conflicted facial expressions we see from Dooku, and him confronting Sidious about Qui-Gon’s death... I feel like there was a real chance for him to save him(self) here, if only he had been able to face his fear and guilt. Because he’s still at a point where he knows deep down that what he’s doing is not the right way. He is complicit in the deaths of his best friend Sifo-Dyas and his former padawan, and he has not yet fully woven this web of delusion and self-deception that he will later use to justify his actions. There’s some really great ambiguous dialogue in this episode when Dooku tells Yaddle he has no choice (but to let Qui-Gon go) and that he is afraid (that it is too late). I cannot praise Corey Burton and Bryce Dallas Howard enough for their talent to bring these characters to life and convey so much emotion with only a few lines. I love that Yaddle is a compelling character in her own right. You don’t get the feeling that she’s just on screen as a tool to tell Dooku’s story, a feeling I had with Mace in the episode before. I would have liked to see more of her and also her relationship with Dooku when he was still in the Order. (Same still goes for Yoda—what is it with Dooku and little green trolls?)

And of course, the way this episode was staged was absolutely breathtaking. The Temple and especially the courtyard with the tree looked downright enchanted. The music made it even more eerie. The way light and shadow were used as symbols was perhaps a bit blatant in places, but who cares, I'm here for it! And the fight scene choreography was great as well. I don’t think I’ve ever hated Sidious more. Having him lurking in the background the whole time like a puppeteer in love with his own show was a great touch.

Now for the part I’m less happy with … I don’t really like to complain since we finally got to see Dooku as a somewhat layered character you can actually sympathize with and seeing him care and grieve for Qui-Gon was all I ever needed as a fan. So that emotional, interpersonal part of his arc was done nicely, in my opinion. But at the same time, how Dooku’s ideals and political beliefs play into him leaving the Order and joining the Sith fell a bit under the radar in this episode. He criticizes the Council, but you never really see him interacting with the Council. His conversation with Sidious in this episode remains vague and limited to buzzwords like freedom, order, and peace, but I feel that we were missing too many intermediate steps to explain how Dooku goes from being a Jedi, with questionable methods but ultimately righteous, to becoming a Darksider who wants to destroy the Republic and the Jedi. I have always wondered to what extent he knew about and endorsed Sidious’ plans at various points in his life, and to what extent he was merely an opportunist seeking to advance his own goals. The scene where he confronts Sidious reminds me again how great it could have been if Dooku had a little more agency later in the Clone Wars as well. On the other hand, the tragedy of his character is that he gradually sacrificed everything that defines him to the dark side: all his relationships, his humanity, his ideals, his morals. Maybe they could have shown a little more the intellectual beginnings of the Separatist movement and Dooku’s initial meetings with Palpatine, where Palpatine’s ideas all still seem so harmless and enticing. Dooku’s (initially more academic) fascination with the Dark Side could have been included here as well.

I guess I’m just saying that I enjoyed the Dooku episodes and would like more of them. From what I’ve seen so far, TOTJ has been well received, so perhaps there is hope.

#star wars #tales of the jedi #dooku #qui-gon jinn #yaddle #i feel a bit sad now but in a good way #prequel pain #need some fluff now

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luck-of-the-drawings · 2 months

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OH ARTHUR BENNETT.. such a gorgeous and intriguing character. terribly burdened by a GRUESOME set of crimes, his light suffocated by a HEAVY century of GUILT. so tragic, so dark and broody, and yet PAINFULLY awkward in any social setting ever

#jrwi fanart #cw blood #jrwi show #jrwi suckening #arthur bennett #OUHH THIS ONE WAS SITTING IN MY WIPS FOR SO LOOOONGwhen i took it out there was mould on it :sob:#BUT i think i was able to fix it up okay #i keep seeing SO MANY MISTAKES RRAAAHHH BUT YOU DONT SEE THEM RIGHT?? THATS ONLY ME. RIGHT?? EXACTLY.#THE KEY IS TO SAY. AND REPEAT AFTER ME. 'FUUUCK IT WE BALL #so anyway. arthur bennett huh? grizzly says that arthur is reaal fuckin difficult to play. and i SUPER get that. i mean LOOK AT HIM..#grizz often needs a minute to think abt what hes gonna say in a way that matches w that Stoic Personality. which is FAIR but also that #ends up making way for awkward confrontations like: the lady in the parky lot. he took too long to answer and scared her away.& I LOVE THAT #arthur is tragic and sad and cool and stoic but hes ALSO awkward and silly and kinda dumb and short sighted. HE HAS COMPLEXITIES #I LOVE WHEN TTRPG CHARACTERS HAVE A GOOD SET OF SHORTCOMINGS. ESPECIALLY WHEN U FIND THEM ONLY AS U PLAY THEM.#I COULd go on and on saying the same things w different words abt arthurs intriguing and entertaining character but i shall spare u. for no #ILL ALSO MENTION HOW MUCH I LOVE HIS FLAVOR THO.. I LOVE TALL HOT BOY WHOS ONE W THE DARKNESS.. I REMEMBER WHEN HE FIRST MENTIONED THE #BADLUCK. N I WAS LIKE OOOHH THATS WHY HIS DESIGN IS SO COOL N CHAOTIC N ASYMMETRICAL. HES UNLUCKY!!! i love love love his design so much...#GRaaauruguguraguhhghghgh what else what else is there for me to spew on abt...i think im reachin a limit here..OH MAGNUS. i hope that #we get to know more abt how magnus and arthur met.. like How they became besties... ouuhh... I ALSO WANNA KNOW MORE ABT MARY DAVIS. LIKEHOW #he also apparently spent alotta time in a zone dominated by edward twilight? all he remembers is constant partying? I WANNA KNOW MORE..#i think i got room 4 one more ramble SO. THE ART PIECE.as i said its gone a lil stale BUT. im still very proud o the bits where hes allScar #I WANNA SEE HIM GET SCARYMORE. I like the idea of shadows solidifying to make him strange and eerie.like TEETH n CLAWS n SPINES n YESS #also the SILVER EYES.no1 does silver eyes like the show Claymore. they make em look so striking and eerie...i also like to think that #human arthur had deep beautiful brown eyes.just in my beaitufl heart.i mean look at him..i wanna cook him n eat him.ANYWAY #i think thats all my ramblin for this piece. now i gotta go cancel a single day i had ata hotel bc my work schedule change last minute FUCK #feel free to ramble in my tags aswell tho i read all of them and i chew on thenm and i love them so sos os mcuh

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sysig · 5 months

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Utterly Defeated (Patreon)

#Doodles #SCII #Helix #<Sticking to my tag so they're all together ♥#Dexter Favin #Max Vyer #But really that's ZEX in there! What's left of him anyway ;;#ZEX #Hhhhhhh it was so goooood and saaaaad <3 <3 #Helix is a tragedy - on repeat in my mind ad infinitum #I made most of these upon initially reading - and then I had to sit on them through all of October!! Can you imagine the impatience??#I've been absolutely chomping at the bit for these hhhhh feelings!!! So many!!! Max's eyes and ZEX being behind his single remaining ;;#Dex wanting him to be safe and knowing he used to and now he can't offer it anymore I jifdsahfdjsaf #Have I mentioned I love them lately I love them <3 <3 All of them! Dex and Max and ZEX! And DAX I'm sure ZEX misses him so badly #In a way it was good that I had a bit more time to set it down and come back - I reread it very recently hehe <3 #I still get teary at some scenes ah </3 It's so beautifully sad #But it also gave me some time to finish ZEX starting to shape the word ''Max'' and then back off it ahhhh it hurts!!#The rest were at least all lined at the time - came back in to tone some recently but they were all ''finished'' October 1st ah #Especially of Dex waking ZEX to call him by his title hhh they both just want peace so badly but it looks so different to both of them #Lingering on his scar and then carding through his hair <3 Comfort and softness and it's all not enough #His scar is quite fun to draw as well ah - scars tend to be like that haha ♪ The stitches and discolouration give it a unique look!#And the way his hair pulls back from it ah #I had a lot of fun with his hair hiding his bandaged eye as well - just barely peeking out always just enough of a reminder #And all his lying-down poses - his hair is fun to pose like that as well #One of the original Landel doodles of ZEX talking about what Hell would look like for a VUX really struck me as well #Dex can't help him in so many ways ehn </3 He wants to! But he wants Max and he just can't have him anymore #Hhhh it was such a good read <3 <3 <3 Thank you again to Zarla it really made and still makes me happy to read it ahhh ♥♪#Now that I've (finally!) gotten my thoughts out I can read the other!! Yay!!

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skitskatdacat63 · 9 months

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"Bring on The Dancing Horses"(x) - Echo and The Bunnymen × Ferrari Drivers

#yes this web weave was titled 'Bring on The Prancing Horses' in my docs....yes im proud of that....#long post whoop!!! pls scroll back thru and listen to the song while doing so if you wanna experience it better :)#this was originally supposed to be an edit but i have no patience for that and im very happy w this!!#i daydream to music a lot and when i first heard this song i could only think of ferrari seb then sebchal then ferrari drivers in general #but this hurt me a lot to make(for several reasons)#one: AAAAHHHH IT MAKES ME SADDDDDDD!! now im only gonna be able to think of the myth of ferrari when i listen to this song #it rly hurt to look up the pics for this bcs it still feels sore to me and it makes me so sad #but at least i didnt have to watch vids! id probably burst into tears #two: fighting for my life in google docs trying to format the text hahaha... i refuse to use photoshop #special thanks to cofi (@sweatyflytrap) for giving me the idea to put the TPs for the lies lyrics!#its both funny and unfortunate that domenicali was the TP for both felipe and fernando #it would be a bit better if there was a different tp for each but ah oh well #also hehe changed the lyric a tiny bit for the Kimi part. in the og lyrics its Jimmy not Kimi but yknow felt odd to leave it as it was so!#other than that i really really ardently feel that this song fits the cycle of ferrari drivers soooooo well #the 'bring on the new messiah' at the end of the song PLEASE IT FITS SO WELL! with how they drop their prev golden boy for whoevers next!#also omg the way seb's verse is 'you're breaking my brittle heart' rather than "im breaking your brittle heart' HURTS DOESNT IT??????#i didnt included the original opening/middle verse. i def could make it fit but it wasnt a good opening for this post specifically #'Jimmy Brown made of stone' = kimi again. 'Charlie clown no way home' = charles of course!#anyways this is my magnum opus...but nah i really like it! ill only ever make web weaves w random 80s music i think hahah #ferrari #scuderia ferrari #felipe massa #kimi raikkonen #fernando alonso #sebastian vettel #charles leclerc #f1 #formula 1 #we do a little bit of f1 #normal posts that catie normally makes in a normal fashion

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soppsop · 7 months

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i just rememberd adhd meds exist and now im upset because i could have that if it wasn't for that freakin neurologyst we went to see that told us it was impossible that i could have adhd because i have good grades in school. literally the ONLY question he asked me and immediately said it was impossible. we spent like 5 minutes there. he could've at least... explained something???? anything?????? and now i'd feel bad about asking my parents to see another neurologist because that costs a lot of money :((

#now im just unable to concentrate on anything and feeling very worthless #ok gonna start rambling here a bit #vent? ->#i'm just not good at anything except drawing. everything is hard and i don't think i'm capable of getting a job and contributing to society #in any way except drawing. my self worth is being held almost entirely by my ability to draw.#but i'm also incredibly slow and unproductive and it's so hard sitting down and starting a drawing and finishing that drawing #drawing is the thing that makes me feel alive and feel good about myself so when i can't draw i just feel really awful #i just wish i could concentrate and work and be productive man. why do i have so much stuff going on in my brain. why is everything so hard #sadge 😔😔#ok gonna try to draw i hope something cool comes out or i'm throwing my computer out the window and playing videogames #oh also another neurologist once told me depression can't be caused by school #i'm pretty sure it can but idk im not a doctor #what is up with these neurologists man #i know it's gonna get better tho. life might suck but i *am* a teenager and it's only gonna go up from here.#im still learning about myself and stuff. also no school next year that's gonna be awesome #don't wanna end on a sad note bc life is good actually #and i'm fucking amazing at drawing

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sebcosmothetransguy · 18 days

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(tw)

🎵🎶what do we do when we have depressive thoughts?🎶🎵

👏make art👏

🎵🎶what do we do when we have sh urges?🎶🎵

👏make art👏

🎵🎶what do we do when we wanna die?🎶🎵

👏make art👏

🎵🎶what do we do when we wanna self-sabotage?🎶🎵

👏make art👏

🎵🎶and what do we do when we are remembering our trauma?🎶🎵

👏make art👏

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micer2012 · 5 months

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some photos of my room :3 the more maximalist, the more recent (if you want to know the artist for any of my things just let me know!!)

#getting personal: i just redecorated my room and couldnt figure out why it made me feel so good. before realizing OH. ITS THE MATPAT.#showing off my room my home so UNIQUELY me nobody else could ever have this combination of shit i just printed out at the school library #really helps. look at my room look at Me. (and going home for winter break soon will make me not feel like Myself too..)#in conclusion look at my room :] look at me . im so sad im about to be torn from it for a bit.. but i can look at this photo set whenever i #missing it. ill be back! ill be home. and im home Right Now #AGAIN if u want the source of any of this art let me know!! its all reblogged on my blog here i think #and obviously im not profiting off of this printed out art any way its just to make me feel happy its just to make my room more Mine #wehhh.wehehehh903I439U238 #MINE #CC

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silenthillbunni · 3 months

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🐰🩹🧸🏨

#i hate being in pain like this #bc it completely takes over my life. like im incapable of thinking of anything else #im incapable of relaxing or enjoying anything. i cant do important things. cant do anything else but sit still nd be in pain #it just renders me completely useless and makes me stop functioning properly #im just a hopeless mess made of anxiety nd sadness. idk why but i just hyperfixate on it and i cant 'let go' or relax or not think abt it #idk how other ppl do it.... i wish i wasnt like this bc it's awful. it's like the only thing that exist nd ever will exist is this pain 4evr #im dramatic i know but it genuinely feels like my entire life is over and i'll ever know is pain nd nothing will ever get better again #im so caught up in it i cant see anything else but my pain. i cant think of the future bc do i have one?? i dont know #im just not feeling good at all. and everything feels bleak and depressing and i dont want it :((#i cant have any fun or nice moments at all and im just tired of life #i feel so fkn stressed abt all the things i need to do nd all my responsibilities and idk how i'll do them when im in this pain #i just hope it can calm down soon i just want it to be a little bit easier just a little bit #getting thru each day now is so fkn hard i barely sleep but when i do i wish i never wake up #i hate everything and it feels like my future is fucked #which makes me wanna die!! but it also makes me sad bc there is actually sm i want to live for #i dont want it all to be ruined bc i want to try to live!!!! :(#and yess im know im being dramatic but i cant help it. im weak nd im terrible at dealing w pain nd issues #im not a strong person who can withstand everything nd finds ways to live either way. maybe it's bc my will to live isnt that strong #idk. i just hate this i want it to be over. it's taking over my life nd idk how to still function like this

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luck-of-the-drawings · 24 days

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smth smth about 'the thing that the character did that you thought was rly rly funny in the moment is actually linked to a terrible trauma that lies within said character.' or wahtever.

#jrwi show #jrwi fanart #jrwi riptide #gillion tidestrider #made this within a short span of wahtever bc i gotta go up to the mountains for my stupid gay job tonight n im trying #nnot to frrRREAAAK THE FUCK OUUTTTTTTi dont wanna work but. get that bread we fuckin shall i guess #ONWARDS TO THE FISH TORMENT!! sometimes flowers feel pain when you trim them before their blossoming. atleast i imagine so #i used to draw gillion with loooong hair tied into a big ol braid. and then it was confirmed that he had short hair when he was little.#AT FIRST I WAS SAD. but then i realized the duality of. when they were little. gill had short hair. edyn had long hair.#AND NOW THEYRE OLDER. and gillion has long hair. and edyn has short hair #both mirroring eachother. looking up to eachother. subconsciously or not. they most certainly care. and most certainly miss eachother.#GILLION ALWAYS LOVED HOW LONG HAIR LOOKs. atleast i imagine so. he hasnt cut it since he left the undersea. sure he wanted to go back home #but even at the very start. he knew he was free in some way now. free to grow out his hair. an adventure would await him before he returns.#he knew it would be a while. so he cant let this go. he cant let this sought-after hair-length get cut away from him again #not yet. not yet. i like to think he loved music too. I SAW SOMETHING INTERESTING A BIT AGO #i see alot of ppl commenting on my baby gill comics like;'i wouldFIGHT this teacher i wanna KILL EM i want them DESTROYED #all very good and nice sentiments! i LOVE the energy here! and it would be nice. to have that catharsis #but the story of young tidestrider is not a story of catharsis. it is a story of agony and being so so small and so special and also so dum #and sucking so bad. and just being a kid and doing the things that a little kid does and so many tired tired people reacting badly to it #youre supposed to be the hero that will save us. our world hangs in the balance and you are the one who tips the scales.#YOU are supposed to SAVE US!! you NEED to SAVE US! CAN YOU PLEASE STOP SQUIRMING IN YOUR STUPID CHAIR!!#you'd think that young tidestrider ought to prevail. and be tucked someplace all safe and sound.#elders gone missing and rotting in a jail. their cultists nowhere around. but theres no happy endings. not here not now.#this tale is all sorrows n woes. you may dream that justice n peace win the day. but thats not how this story goes #BIG ideas for this lil baby gillion series. if anything i make ever gets disproven im killing myself in a well as to poison a water supply

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doctorwhoisadhd · 16 days

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there's a certain quality the harmonies of like... early to mid 2000s alt rock has. which i am obsessed with... like i wanna do that. i NEED to figure out how to write harmonies that sound like that

#ari opinion hour #i sort of understand it but not necessarily well enough to do it on command #i think i sort of achieved the sound of it with my blaseball winter exchange song i did for snow but specifically only in the very last bit #like only with the 'im not alive anymore' part #(which sidenote i wish id had the second half faster + w more drive but its not like that was like a full recording which i could do)#i think i just need my music to have more teeth in general cause it scratches an itch that i think i must have developed due to some aspect #of music school. its probably my dissatisfaction with the attitudes in the classical world #<- which understand i say that in the same way that like my jazz prof does. the classical world doesnt have enough teeth nor enough #understanding of the way in which music is like. another art. and art needs to be able to have teeth and use elements normally regarded as #''undesirable'' on purpose because art is there to make you feel emotions and not just the positive ones and not just sadness or anger in #terms of the negative ones #art is there to make u feel ALL extant emotions and that includes boredom disgust fear jealousy pity cowardice apathy overwhelmedness etc #also the classical world i find often forgets what the word ''play'' means #i am of the opinion that perfection is a waste of time if i wanted perfect i'd ask a computer to do it for me. i want real #anyway. i forgot what this post was even about lol point is i need to figure out how to write harmonies that have that soaring quality that #like. you can hear it in like helena by mcr and wake me up by evanescence and stuff. and frankly most of the songs on three cheers for swee #revenge which i am listening to now for the first time. i need to learn more about this stuff maybe ill listen to the evanescence album tha #song is from next.#or something i should really be working on my essay but theres no way i wont have it done in time which is good i think i just mostly have #to worry about sources and stuff but even that should be relatively easy i think

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rowenabean · 10 months

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#the wedding was lovely and i am so sad #managed to get most of the sad out of the way Friday and Sunday so i could be glad for them on the actual wedding day #but still. i'm going to miss her.#we always talked about living together and we never did and now we probably never will #i've got a model of married folk living together in community but i don't think they do and it has to be something you choose #her family are lovely and i was really glad to meet her friends and cousins that she talks about so often but they don't really get it #they get to have her!!! she's moving somewhere that's more convenient for literally everyone other than me! (this is not hard to do)#really good to get home and hug my dad and my little sister and have people who are my people around #was actually really good at the reception that there were a few other folk from my current town - i wasn't the only person who was #mixed joy and tears #i said something about us giving her over in my speech and they said yes that's exactly how we're feeling #but it wasn't till her husband responded to that in his speech that i started crying #everyone has been so kind to me but it has been SO good to get home #hoping i can get a bit more sleep as well. emotions are bigger when tired even though they're real still #(her cousins invited me to come stay any time and tbh i can see that living in Auckland could be actually really nice if you live where they #do. but i couldn't live where they do and do the work i want to do it is quite far away from the places in Auckland i could imagine working)#rowena adventures #btw no photos of me currently but probably some later??? not that we took many the groom had been sick the previous week and was #still pretty wiped so they got like two photos with the bridal party and ten with just them and that was it

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thedreadvampy · 7 months

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idk I had a very interesting therap today but I just

like it's all very well to recognise that I gotta have a fucking open-ended breakdown and jump face first into the Sadness Bog sometimes instead of sitting on all my feelings

but like

I still have to go to work, you know? it's like. ok yeah have a breakdown which like until you jump into it you don't know if it's going to last an hour or a year. yeah go ahead that's all grand. you do have to get up in the morning and go to work though. you're not allowed to not do that. or to not pay the rent or not shower or not eat.

like all my friends and loved ones are constantly like 'you know you're allowed to be sad right' and it's like. AM I??? because I STILL HAVE TO PAY RENT.

#red said #the thing my therapist keeps pointing out is like. i got on this adulthood thing WAY too early #metaphorically i have Had To Go To Work In The Morning since i was like. 4. bc i am congenitally incapable of #Not Thinking About Consequences. and it's so important to be Good and Tough and Have It Together #but like. maybe if id done more crying and melting down when i DIDN'T Have To Go To Work In The Morning bc i was a Literal Infant #i might be a more balanced adult now that i actually DO. Have To Go To Work In The Morning.#what do people like. do. when they have to have feelings but also meet adult responsibilities? impossible. gotta choose.#i think it doesn't help that i already really struggle to work a full time job. like I'm already late basically every day bc i a night guy #so it's like. there's no give in this. maybe if i was back into a 3-4 day week? but idk if i can afford that #but also the work is only partly work. it's also like. having human relationships. eating. washing. being a person.#but idk. like. until i have some genuinely open-ended time i think I'm gonna always find it impossible to actually let go #i said in therapy it's like. like sadness specifically is like a thick muddy bog. and i can dip a foot in it #but bc i know i need to be able to keep moving #i can only stick a foot in and deal with a bit of it if I'm holding onto something. so in practise i can only cry #right before it becomes inappropriate to cry. so like. end of a therapy session. heading to a train station after seeing someone.#that kind of thing. it's a safety thing.#it would be much more effectively Dealing With to go dive into the bog and plough through it #but I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG THAT'LL TAKE and i have to like. come out all muddy and deal with that #and there's always somewhere i gotta be soon. i can't just jump into the mud. not cause I'll get hurt i just Don't Have Time #anyway. feelings. how do they work. embarrassed about having them. embarrassed about suppressing them. generally just embarrassed.

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sherlock-is-ace · 8 months

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i find it fascinating how intrinsically different i am from my family for the simple fact that I'm queer and they're not... They respect me and love me, even in their ignorance. And I can't really ask for more than that, but they'll never understand what it's like to be queer, they'll never see the world the way I see it, and that's absolutely mind blowing every time.

#we watched nimona just now #and MY GOD do we experience that movie differently #fdjghdfkg #they litterally don't see past the shapeshifting girl is a monster to knights cause she looks dangerous #the whole deeper meaning of that story is completely lost on them #and sometimes is for good reason #sometimes when i say stuff like ''disney didn't want to make nimona cause they didn't want a gay main character'' their answer is good #it's like ''that's stupid. people don't care''#cause THEY don't care so they don't see past that #but wow are we aware of different things kdjfhdfg #ame energy as when my mom speaks of leonard and daniel from grantchester (a show set in the 50s) like they're married #as if there wasn't a whole plot on s6(?) where leonard went to prision for ''gross indecency''#dfkjgdg #i would LOVE to live in their world for just a little bit #angel talks #personal #feeling very detached from my family today lol but not necessarily in a bad way? just in a sad way

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opens-up-4-nobody · 8 months

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#me @ my youngest sister at 6.30 this morning: yooooooo can u draw me a fishy so i can get it tattooed on me?#i drew her some flowers so i want a paralell tattoo with her initials bc she has my initials on her #but i literally have not spoken to her since like may bc i do not talk to my sisters unless we r in the same room. no hate we just dont hav #a lot in common. it makes me a lil sad tho bc im curious abt them. my youngest sister is at least nice to me 😭#ive been thinking abt asking her for ages and last night i was asked abt my sisters so i was like. the time is now #while im still a bit elevated #which has been to my advantage bc i was able to stay v chatty and energetic while talking to ppl. and i think i made some friends #we bonded over fic reading. so theyre a bit. ya kno. girls gays and theys of science #we make the world go round. but its so interesting to hear them talk abt coming to school here bc they both liked where they were and r #leaving their support systems. and im like bruh if i didn't leave the southwest i was gonna die. im so happy to b here #support system? whats that. i talk to my parents once a month and that's it lol. but im gonna try to establish one here #and try to actually make actual friends. this school is way better abt making grad students interact #my last school was not at all like that. but anyway i had fun #and i mean im only at the start of the semester. and im in a good mood. and i kno things will get stressful #but im just really happy i got accepted here #and the longer im here the more clearly i can see how much i was suffering #the funny thing is tho that i wrote this last night and only hours later i was squirming in frustration bc the fact that im back in therapy #means i feel a greater obligation to not b actively self destructive. evil coping mechanisms my beloved #this is y my mum wanted me back in therapy bc im a goodie 2 shoes and when my counselor is like: did u do X the next time i see her. ill b #honest and itll b annoying >:-[ ugh #its just hard for me to b around ppl a lot bc i get stuck in mental loops bc ocd. which is exhausting. and i want it to stop #and i want to do bad things to make it stop but i wont bc im trying to b better #its just funny to me that ill go from everythings awful to everythings great i shoukd talk to my sisters and make friends and do this and #this and this. to oh god i cant do this anymore in such short time frames with certainty that how im feeling is how ive always felt #ive also noticed that my peaks of high energy do come before stressful events. which does make me worry for future stressful events. like #defending. i mean ive never gone fully off the tracks but its a lil alarming when it feels like the train is going at a million miles an hr #unrelated #meanwhile my other sister is apparently in Colorado but when i saw the pics is was like: YOU BITCH #R U CLOSE TO ME RN??? but no. Colorado is far away

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