I've been replaying Nobodies and in the middle of the second game I thought "Hey this guy talks like Desmond!" then I thought it would be pretty funny if Desmond became a murder cleaner lol
Nobodies: Murder Cleaner is available for Android, PC (via Steam) and Apple if you want to try it. It’s a point and click game where you play as a member of a secret government organization and your job is to clean up after other members have killed the target.
So we have two option for this idea.
Option 1: Canon ‘Verse where Desmond becomes a Cleaner instead of a Bartender
In this one, the only thing we have to tweak is what Desmond’s history becomes when he left the Farm. Maybe he saw one of the Cleaners doing their job in Rapid City and the Cleaner didn’t want to kill a kid to cover his tracks so he makes Desmond his accomplice, helping him clean it up, all the while teaching him the ‘craft’. After that, Desmond tags along because the Cleaner says that’s the only way he’ll survive and maybe Desmond’s upbringing mess him up enough that he thinks this is okay. That this kind of life is actually better than the life he had back on the Farm. The Cleaner keeps a close eye on him and notices how ‘unique’ Desmond’s upbringing is. He even thinks Desmond has what it takes to actually be one of the ‘messy ones’ but Desmond preferred to clean. It feels… more distant to his life before.
We get our timeskip and Desmond is one of the best cleaners out there. His identity is ironclad because his Cleaner mentor gave him a new one and their organization made it official since they do have a bit of leeway with the government. In exchange, Desmond will be in their service which he doesn’t mind because the organization pays for everything he needs (other than the equipment and items he might actually need when it was time to clean up because having such equipment with him when he gets to the scene would be security guard bait).
At this point, the organization has an idea that Abstergo is very sus and there’s a shadowy organization that does questionable things against Abstergo most of the time. They don’t know the full story though but Desmond believes that his parents’ cult is actually an ecoterrorist group. He keeps it to himself though since he doesn’t want to be anywhere close to them.
With the backing of the organization and his more honed skills and espionage, Desmond is actually more or less a ghost even to Abstergo. They know Desmond Miles exist but they also know that he disappeared nine years ago. Desmond’s government records are all fake data but authenticated by the government itself. Hell, he even has an SSN and tax records. (Your call if he keeps his Desmond Miles name or he changes to like Desmond Miller or full on fake name like Derek Milton or something XD)
If you still want Desmond to be part of the Animus Project or to kickstart the main plot, Desmond gets caught because the organization has traitors and one of them took him while he was cleaning a scene that turned out to be a trap. However, Desmond knows how to play the game and his childhood training only help him become better at his job.
If Vidic kept the same ‘security’ in AC1 (cameras only, no visible guards), Desmond would find a way to kill Vidic and (maybe) Lucy before the guards even get there. Once he gets access to the computer (thanks, Lucy), tampering with the security feed would be easy because he’s done it before as a Cleaner. He’s also used to using items and devices he sees on the ‘scene’ so yeah…
Before the even finishes Altaïr’s memories, he’d most probably already made his escape after cleaning the scene.
And that’s when…
The Bleeding Effect starts…
Option 2: Full Spy AU where every Assassin is messy and Desmond has to clean after them
Okay, this one plays loose with the lore.
In this one, the Brotherhood is a secret organization that has the capital and the influence that a usual Hollywood super spy organization has.
And Desmond is the poor son of a high ranking member of the organization. He was being trained to be an operative but he didn’t want to be an operative like his father.
So… he became a cleaner instead.
In this one, I think it would be fun if Desmond is just some poor cleaner who has to clean up for the messiest of the operatives because he’s one of the best cleaners.
So the setup could be Desmond appearing on the scene and deducing which of his messy ‘regulars’ did this one and he all have nicknames for each of them.
One of them is super good at his job that Desmond just have to take care of the body most of the time. That one he calls “the light of my life” because it means a quick easy job then Desmond can just chill somewhere and see the sights until he’s called again.
Another one is someone who always has to chase their target and dear god, Desmond wants to strangle this operative so badly because Desmond has to clean up multiple places and that includes CCTVs used by the local government for the roads and such. That one he calls ‘the bane of my existence’.
The funny thing?
Both operative are the same person: Altaïr who seesaw between absolutely the best or having a bad day that can only be summed up as “the universe is conspiring against him to get some cardio today”.
Of course, there’s a lot more operatives that Desmond cleans after.
There’s one that liked to actually steal shit and Desmond just usually make that a burglary gone wrong most of the time.
There’s another operative who may or may not have a dog that he uses to rip apart his target and Desmond always prays the scene is somewhere outside so he can just make it look like a wild animal attack and always hate it whenever it happens in an office building or anywhere indoors to be completely honest.
There’s another one that tries to be sneaky but that only makes Desmond’s life harder because he has to make sure to look everywhere just to be sure that the sneaky operative didn’t miss or fuck up somewhere.
In other words, Desmond has a lot of complaints for his regular operatives XD
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What are some of your favorite quotes from Bob’s Burgers? Can be a top five, can be from a specific character or episode, can be from the movie, anything you want!
I've been thinking about this for literally days now and I think I finally have some answers lol.
"We are not kissing Jimmy Jr.!"
"Yes we are!"
"Did you know Mom and Dad were a thing??"
"I'm an idiot!"
"I know, Zeke."
"Is that Regular-Sized Rudy or Pocket-Sized Rudy?"
"Regular-Sized Rudy."
"Oh, thank god."
"Look at my pants, they are perfectly tailored~"
"Oh yeah, nice."
"You're the Katniss to my Pita Bread!" (i literally think about this line all the time)
"My friend! That man took my friend!"
"Not really, it's not a kidnapping thing. Keep walking."
"Damn those Type 3 civilizations!"
"Dang, Tina! I must be a whoopie cushion, 'cuz you just knocked the fart outta me!"
"Hey, Tina! I can't wait for the next apocalypse! Get it? Apoca-lips?"
"You two make me feel smart."
"SHOW ME YOUR BUTT!"
i'm sure there are more but that's what i got for now.
special shout out to "stay out of my room!" because i yell that at my cats all the time now lol
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