#i hate high school. and i hate myself.

[spaciebabie]

"but spacie, i have no followers why should i reblog things" let me answer this question using myself, a person who has been using tumblr for almost a decade now, as an example. pre 2022 the most followers i ever had was like 125. most of them were dead blogs. killed in the porn ban or just people who had left for whatever reason. out of the people left who were still active, i had like 3 people at the most interact with my blog on a monthly basis. for years b4 this, i had ZERO FOLLOWERS but upon making my blog i saw all the other ppl who had been using this website longer than me talking abt how important it was ta reblog shit, and throughout all these years on tumblr, even when i had no followers i reblogged things. b/c i understood that it was integral ta the way this site functions.

now mind you, just b/c i had no followers didn't mean ppl wouldn't stop by and reblog things from my blog. every couple months id have a new person find me and reblog something. maybe they'd reblog a lot of stuff! the point is that id go months without any interaction at times and i STILL reblogged things because i knew people could find me and see something they liked on here. eventually people who frequently checked my blog ta see what i would reblog followed me!! im sure there’s ppl who dont follow me that ta this day who still reblog the stuff on here!! the point is that it genuinely doesnt matter how many followers you have. sure, it certainly helps, but ppl can still find and interact with the things on your blog without you having thousands or even hundreds of followers. so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE reblog things.

#spacie spoinks #i keep seeing this mentality and guys its genuinely harmful ta the site pls 😭 #tumblr is not a popularity contest your reblog MATTERS!!!!!!!!!! #a lot of the problems we've seen in recent years with reblogging is b/c yall are using tumblr like you would use instagram or twitter #please dont use tumblr like that #also scoop the rot out of your brain that says if you interact too much with your favorite blog on here they're going 2 hate you #if high school was an internet website it would be twitter (derogatory) #i wont hate you if you're constantly sendin me asks or messages i can just. distance myself. #if i get overwhelmed #im not tethered ta tumblr as if it was my only lifeline skjfsakjlfjkads #like there are so many ways ta customize my experience on here its chill

[stuckinapril]

I’ve always loved medicine bc it’s the perfect intersection of science and humanity—the two things I value above all else in this world. Truly adored it since I was in the cradle. But now I’m thinking about how so much of my journey to neurosurgery will have to involve KILLING my feelings essentially bc how do you survive otherwise

#Not to mention the surprisingly high suicide rate of surgeons that’s been brought to my attention lately #Honestly I just started my neuro internship and just saw my first patient in clinic #And on the day I did I was critical of my neurologist for being so robotic about it #Now I can see why #I’m still at a point where I can’t even do a chart review for a patient without feeling so fucking sad #And I can see how that can get unsustainable after a while #But it’s like if I kill the feelings that drive my passion for medicine to begin with then what’s the point #It’s not like I’m in it for the money or prestige bc that’s so dumb considering how long the schooling is #But literally how to deal #My supervisors at the clinic very much all speak about the dementia patients w a learned impartialness #But I don’t wanna be that way one day :( but how to be anything else and still survive #I’m pre med so I still have time and maybe my opinion will change and I’ll wanna do another specialty #But when it comes to this every specialty will involve human lives and navigating that regardless #That said I can see why surgeons are at higher risk or depression suicide etc #The whole point of this internship is to teach myself how to navigate this stuff but. Hate it #p #med tag

[quillisadoll]

My ouran head cannons! (Some sad some random)

Hikaru calls tamaki hot nonchalantly

Tamaki has attempted before

Karou once told hikaru he hates the British "language"

Honey had 2 Barbie dream houses growing up

Mori once pretend to be kyoya for a day to trick Tamaki because he can

Tamaki buys stuff for Haruhi even tho she can buy it easily herself

Tamaki calls hikaru hot on the daily

Haruhi once lost Tamaki was was scared to leave the house because of thunder

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLDdxL9G/

#my trolls headcanons some sad some random #i hate myself for doing this #i dont actually believe in these guys #hikaru hitachiin #kaoru hitachiin #kyoya ootori #ohshc tamaki #ouran high school host club #haruhi fujioka #tamaki suoh #ohshc #ouran hshc #ouran manga #honey senpai #mori ouran

[nerves-nebula]

never understood the desire to become a Pretty Girl when the option of being a Foul Disgusting Ugly Girl is literally right there. "but if I do that thing I'll be ugly" YIPPEE!!!!! YAYYY!!! I CANT IMAGINE A WORSE EXISTENCE THAN CHANGING YOURSELF TO BE SEEN AS BEAUTIFUL INSTEAD OF FINDING THE PEOPLE WHO ARE STUNNED BY THE WAY YOU EXPRESS WHO YOU GENUINELY ARE!!

#nnstuff #rambling #i do understand wanting to be complimented #but if someone calls me pretty after i spent hours being groomed to look a way i dont care about #its a fucking insult. like ohhhh so you like me better when im not myself? cool. noted. #the one time i wore a dress to high school ppl kept complimenting me it was the worst day of my life #I hated it cuz it was so clear people saw it as me being feminine therefore more attractive therefore #more deserving of praise. like fuck offffffff

[willgrahambf]

sometimes i really wish i hadn't stopped drawing :(

#i'll get bouts of missing it but im incredibly out of practice and extremely critical of myself so when i do try i hate it #bc i know i could be so much better if i had kept on doing it after high school

[jewishcissiekj]

some actual art I've yet to post👍 (I need to reread Escape from Valo)

#love how most of these came out #absolutely hated every moment of making them #maybe not the characer sketches but the first 3 were awful to draw #they were for a school assignment due that day (book report but drawing) and i forced myself to do them #will never make that mistake again #you can see it getting to me in all of them #star wars #escape from valo #my art #saya keem #zyle keem #niv drendow #niv drendow apruk #driggit parse #tep tep #kildo #ram jomaram #gavi #sw art #star wars fanart #sw fanart #the high republic #star wars art #star wars the high republic #sw thr #traditional art #fanart #the high republic escape from valo #sw #high republic

[evgar]

30 min self portrait because i changed the pink in my hair for orange and i really like it and i decided it would be a good idea to draw myself for the first time in years :)

#idk i actually hate drawing myself #all those self portrait assigments i did during high school and university were always an awful experience #not because they looked bad or anything i just hated doing them #i wanted to draw other people and one of the few portraits i could draw for class had to be of me #anyway yeah here's my face #evgarart #my art #self portrait #artists on tumblr

[marklikely]

i know a lot of trans women talk about mourning not growing up a girl and i always thought i didnt experience any equivalent to that (probably for many reasons) but the last couple weeks i realised i think i do and its specifically about not growing up a gay man.

#i wish i hadnt realized this bc now despite my best efforts i can't stop driving myself crazy about it. #but like i never really cared abt not growing up a cis boy bc i always imagined myself being straight #but now that I've imagined myself being gay oh my god this fucking sucks i hate it here. #avpost #also whenever i hear cis gay men talk about like growing up. or being in high school. or their gay awakenings. #its like. im not jealous exactly but i feel like something important was stolen from me and i cant get it back god im so mad #idk also as i get further in my transition i feel so disconnected from my youth like it didn't fully belong to me #but i also don't have anything to take its place theres just a gap there where the life i should've had would go. #and i think its stupid bc its like. whatever who cares about what could have been all i have is what was. why am i making myself crazy . #but i can't help it -_-

[antisocialgaycat]

For once in my life i just want to be the youngest and least experienced person in the room. I want to be allowed to absolutely suck, to not have to be a role model, and to not have to constantly be performing. I want to be allowed to show emotions instead of being a constantly cheery, happy, approachable and experienced leader. I just want to be able to relax and be myself and do things for myself and not have to show people how to do everything.

#just a load of garbage #fucking hate it #like its great i get to help little kids (like 2 years younger than me maybe 3) be less shitty #but im not allowed to be shitty myself #literally stop treating me like a staff member there are people here with so much more experience than me #dont mind me yall #also accelerated curriculum and going to a gifted school aint doing wonders for me rn #i kinda wanna leave and go to my local high school #cos at least there i wont be doing so badly #i want to go back to being a year 7 honestly they can do whatever they want #i dont want all this responsibility im literally just a kid #anyways

[yakourinka]

hhhggggrrrkkkkk what the fuck

#forgot how nonsensical high school level algebra and calc were #'this is how you're supposed to do it but you can't possibly understand why rn so just roll with it k' #watching some hs math guy explain modular arithmetic and my god what the fuck are you even talking about. that's not how it. what #no wonder so many of classmates hated math back in the day #myself i was a big fan of the 'don't think just do' motto #if it were today's me i would've flunked it no doubt. high school rinka was on some type of shit let me tell you #high school rinka had no need for mere Comprehension

[strawberrybabydog]

realizing im a lesbian has genuinely been one of the most life-ruining things ive experienced so far :0(

i dont think i know any other lesbians

i am a baby dyke. who likes a baby dyke? apparently nobody. i dont seem to fit into ANY lesbian spaces because i'm green but how do i become not green without experience? apparently i need 10 years experience for an entry-level job :0(??

how... do i even find other lesbians irl? "gay bar" ok first off why would i ever go to a bar. also im pretty sure those dont exist where i live

do i love lesbians because i hate and am traumatized by men or do i love lesbians because im normal. only one answer actually makes me a lesbian

if im not lesbian what am i? :0( i dont want to Just be asexual, that doesnt Mean anything

lesbians are fucking scary. i used to follow 10 sapphic-centric blogs but.... theyre always talking about how horrible/annoying other lesbians are over discourse ive never heard of, meaning, im probably participating in it without knowing

oh yeah. that too. i know nothing about lesbians. and being a lesbian. apparently when you're a lesbian you have to know every single piece of sapphic literature and every lesbian of history or you're bad and stupid and dont deserve to be talked to

it really feels like being hetero is free and easy, like you dont have to think about it you just Love Someone, but being queer is hard and energy-consuming and you have no choice but to dedicate the rest of your life to learning and knowing every single piece of sapphic-centered discourse. it seems like being a lesbian has more to do with knowing facts about historic lesbianism than it has to do with loving another lesbian and i'm sooooo not interested in being queer for the sake of discourse i just want to kiss a lady or whatever but thats not allowed until i pass my lesbian exam that every other lesbian passed 20 years ago

idk. maybe all of this confusion means im not a lesbian. i think if i really was sapphic i'd know the answers to this stuff already, researching would be easy and enjoyable..... but the master lesbian google doc..... idk... it seems like being sapphic requires more than just "Girls Kinda Pretty" and that is awful to me. i dont want to spend 4 years in lesbian university studying lesbianism just to get my lesbian degree so i can kiss a girl. i want to just kiss a girl Now why do i need a masters degree?? why do i have to study and earn and prove my place in a society where i thought the bottom line was Kiss Girls And Chill

"community history is important" i agree but why do i need to know all of this shit First, Before i am a lesbian. why cant i kiss ladies and research at the same time. idfk. idk anymore. i just want to love my gf. why am i 22 trying to figure out my sexuality when everyone i know did it when we were 14, how is that fair to me?? im sorry for being a late bloomer i dont know what you want from me

#i think to other lesbians im always going to be That Bisexual who only dates men but never shuts up about loving women #but its deeper than that. those were longterm relationships. nobody i know irl was ever queer in a way where we could have a relationship #i dont know if im a lesbian but i know how nervous i get around a hot butch or a hot femme #i dont know if im a lesbian but i can describe to you every butch ive ever had a crush on #i dont know if im a lesbian but i think in grade 3 i was trying to impress that pretty girl for reasons beyond wanting to be friends #i dont know if im a lesbian but i am head over heels in love with my gf #i dont know i just dont know anymore i feel like a failure #everyone else had their sexyality figured out at 14 and im 22 #i hated going to the gaystraight alliance at my high school because they would buly me for not being gay enough when the teacher wasnt there #maybe its true maybe they knew better than me that im faking it or something #but on more than one occassion in hs i had classmates beefing about my sexuality i wish i was making this up #ive been told i have a lesbian voice i have lesbian vibes but i dont know if thats true especially if my actual queer friends didnt see it #i feel like im failing myself and every queer person ever i feel like every other lesbian just hates me so much and im so sorry #not dog #personal #big feelings

[ireallyamthemaincharacter]

Dude this is so me fr

#this is the autistic narcopath rep I wanna see in the world #that’s a joke btw i have no idea if the creator has pd’s lol but this video really sums up my whole deal #it used to really bother my friends in high school when I would just mirror bc they would be like “hey do you like *insert movie here*” #and I would say “Yeah omg it was super good!” and then agree with them about it and everything #and they eventually caught on to the fact that I almost never saw/liked the same films as them. or actors or shows or books or or or #lemme tell you it was SUCH a relief to finally let go of all those friendships with the excuse of “outgrowing each other”. i get to be #totally myself whenever I’m alone and it I get to be alone a lot more now!!! it’s so so so good #i hate masking I hate mirroring imagine being behind the counter of a store 24/7 365 and having to do ur customer service thing always #that’s life for me. utterly exhausting #npd tag #aspd tag #autism

[skyward-floored]

ggggbjfkbfhj just watched pride and prejudice

#rambles from the floor #supposedly I read the book in high school but I have no memory of it #anyway #hhhhhhhhhHHHHHH #IT WAS FUNNY AND ROMANTIC AND THE AND THEY AND #WAH #I hate movies that invoke my romantic longing #and then I hate myself for moping #gee maybe if I actually got out of the house I’d meet people but noooo— #sorry #it was a really nice movie

[fluentisonus]

waking up from.a frightening dream at 4am in which a scary book was central which in the dream (could sort of tell I was dreaming on one level) I thoroughly believed was a real book that had been brought up the other day irl & that my dreaming mind was riffing off of bc I had not read yet. but having woken up. I'm not entirely convinced this is the case. and now I'm kind of scared to look it up tbh bc what's worse that it doesn't exist but I've dreamed about it several different nights & it's broken down my dream/reality conscious barrier (& I might dream it again??? this does happen to me) or that it does & I have to live in a world where it exists & I could read it.

#seriously considering just not sleeping any more & just getting up now at 4am now lol. i don't want to go back to sleep #thoughts #tbc in the dream the book was just a horror type deal it wasn't actually like. powerful. beyond the way it warped my 'levels' of reality #which ngl has shaken me bc i can usually tell well enough if I'm dreaming even if I can't act on it #so some sort of scary narrative/reality breakdown here #<- sorry for the distracted rambling I'm still half asleep & twitching at weird sounds. i will feel better shortly though i usually do #the last time this happened i was in high school & having a dream i could tell i was dreaming in & then 'woke up' & rolled over to find a #perfect representation of my room except the lady from my dream was standing in the middle of it facing away from me oddly still. & then #when i woke up for real I couldn't make myself turn over for like an hour i was so distressed abt what I'd see but also more importantly #that i didn't know/couldn't reliably trll if i was dreaming or not. terrifying prospect tbh #also like i DO have dreams with sequrls/repeats/returns sometimes even years later & 'remember' the last one. nightmares included. #which i hate btw

[takemetodragonstone]

i have recently been made aware that it’s not normal to feel discomfort and disgust when people use your given name? like that’s not what everyone who doesn’t like their name means when they say they don’t like their name?? hearing mine makes me cringe and sometimes even makes my skin crawl or my stomach drop and you’re telling me most people don’t experience this????

#if you noticed i took my name out of my bio that’s why #also exclusively using they/them pronouns online now #kinda want to try he/they and a new name i picked out but i am a coward #so ill see how i like they/them for now #is this the catalyst of my enby/trans awakening? #if i was more self aware i would have seen it sooner #tbf i did have a masculine nickname in high school that had no relation to my birth name except for beginning with the same letter #i didn’t come up with it myself but i did like it #and my sister has a different masculine/neutral nickname for me #and when my sister and i would play pretend I was always luke when she was leia #also i made half my barbies ftm trans ….. instead of just asking for boy barbies i transed them #I’ve always hated being called young lady or miss or a woman tbh #makes me feel strange. gives me the ick as the kids say #rambling in the tags #these tags are all over the place but im leaving them to document my thoughts lol #personal #trans #nonbinary #gender questioning #lgbtq+ #names

[lovely-v]

I would never get tricked by those 36 questions that make u fall in love. First of all I’m already in love with you so jot that down. Secondly I am not about to lose my free will to a bunch of loser questions. Third of all if i had to invite anyone to a dinner party it would be you because im in love with you so jot that down.

#veesaysthings #I hate those questions bc I hate talking about myself. #I know my tumblr truly does not reflect that but it’s true #alas. the only time I’ve ever done them with someone was in the blood drive line in high school. #with my friend who I actually did not fall in love with. however we didn’t get through all of them so who knows #I am literally so full of love I don’t need the questions though