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zoeykaytesmom · 5 years

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What is Life (Chapter 12)

@tropes-and-tales @jramirezblogs @esparza-army @sweetsummertime99 @lyssa1385 @xemopeachx @barbafan69 @eclecticdeersuit @gibbs274 @lostintech0011001

It was time for Izzy’s 20 week check-up. They had already found out the baby they were expecting was a girl but Rafael didn’t care.

“Okay, let’s take a look at this baby girl, shall we?” The tech smiled as she came in. They were watching as she ran the wand over Izzy’s already swollen baby. They watched the smile fade from her face. She slightly hung her head before speaking. “I’m gonna go see if Dr. Roberts is going to be much longer.”

“Okay,” Izzy replied.

“You think everything is okay?”

“I hope so, Raf. Did you see her face?”

“Maybe it’s just something she’s never dealt with before.” He was trying to keep her calm but inside he was just as worried as she was.

“Rafael, Izzy, how are we doing today?” The tall brunette asked as she came in.

“Not sure, Dr. Roberts,” Izzy told her. “The tech…did she see something?”

“Let me look around for a little bit. Sometimes these machines can have a sort of glitch so I prefer the techs to come get me if there’s something they’re not sure about.”

She started running the wand over her belly again.

She sat it down, hit the button to print out the pictures.

“Izzy why don’t you get dressed and you two meet me in my office?”

She walked out and closed the door quietly.

“Something’s wrong, Raf.”

“Don’t say that,” he told her as he took her hand. “Maybe it’s just more than we bargained for. I mean you’re a multiple.”

“We’ve never heard a second heartbeat.”

“Can’t they hide behind the other sometimes, though?”

“I guess,” she shrugged as she was trying not to cry.

He helped her get dressed and they walked to the doctor’s actual office.

“Remember when I said the baby looked a little small at your last ultrasound?”

“Yeah but you said that could be due to my frame or just genetics.”

“Your baby…”

“Daughter,” Rafael interrupted her.

“Your daughter has a fractured femur.”

“How is that possible?” He asked.

“Have either of you ever heard of osteogenesis imperfecta?”

They both shook their heads.

“It’s also called brittle bone disease…”

Izzy zoned out as Dr. Roberts explained the condition to them.

“You mean, if we are able and decided to let her be born, she won’t live…very long?” Rafael’s voice cracked.

“I’m afraid not, Rafael. An hour or two, maybe. I am so sorry.”

*********

“I don’t want to go back to school,” Rafael said with tears as he was packing his suitcases to prepare for his Senior year at Harvard.

“You have to, Rafa.”

“I can’t leave the two of you alone. I mean…we may not have her very long and I don’t want to miss anything.”

“Shhh…listen to me. You’re gonna be back every Thursday after your 2:00 class.”

“It’s a 5 hour train ride…”

“Dad already told you he has a friend that works for the Boston Police Department that will get you here in record time if something happens while you’re at school.”

“I just…can’t…leave…”

“It’s going to be fine.”

“How can you keep saying that, Elizabeth? We know what we have to look forward to!! Nothing! This life that we created can be taken from us at any minute!!!”

“I know,” she told him quietly.

“I’m sorry for yelling,” he told her as he sat next to her on her bed and took her hand. “I just still can’t believe this is happening.”

“Me either,” she sniffled as a tear ran down her nose. “It’s not fair. Maybe I should’ve just had the abortion when I had time.”

“Don’t say that. I don’t mean to infer that at all. I just thought…I thought when you told me you were pregnant that we’d have this bouncing baby boy or girl, our brains, your heart, my mouth, our good looks. Now, we’re not gonna have that.”

“We will just…”

“I know.”

“Are you two okay?” Stella asked as she knocked on Izzy’s door.

“We’re fine, Stella. Just…”

“You don’t want to go back to Harvard.”

Rafael just shook his head at the woman that been like a second mother to him since he was 15. “If I had known this was going to happen, I would’ve applied to finish my last year around here.”

“Rafael you know she’s going to be taken care of.”

“I know. It’s just hard to leave them.”

“I understand. I’ll just leave you two alone.”

“Are you gonna be able to handle school and the baby?”

“I deferred until next semester,” she told him. “I mean, Dr. Roberts said I need as less stress as possible, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Come on. I smell Ma’s meatloaf. I know you love it,” she told him as she stood up. He grabbed both of her hands, turning her to him as he continued to sit. “Rafa…”

“I love you,” he told her before lifting her shirt and kissing her belly. “I’ll always love you, princesa. No matter how long you’re here for.”

Izzy fought her tears as he stood up to kiss her.

*******************

“Hungry, sis?”

“Thanks, Tony,” she told her brother as he came in her room with a plate of grilled chicken salad with her mother’s homemade tomato based Italian dressing.

“Bed rest must suck.”

“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

“Well, all your tabloids came in,” he said as he handed her the stack of magazines.

“Ooh!! What I’ve been waiting on.”

“How’s my niece doing?”

“We felt her kick when Rafael was in Saturday.”

“He’s taking this pretty hard, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“What about you?”

“Tony I can’t sit here and cry every time she moves. I can’t sit here and be depressed.”

“I’m not saying that. I just know how you shut off.”

“All I want…I don’t know what I want,” she said as she started crying. “I want Rafael every second of every day but I can’t have that. I want her to be healthy. I want to take her to kindergarten in 6 years but that’s not going to happen.”

He grabbed his sister and held her while she cried. She had remained as strong as possible, only letting her guard down a little bit.

“It’s not fair. Rafael was going to be a good dad. I know he was.”

“Did you guys ever decide on a name?”

“Uh yeah. Charlotte Grace.”

“I like that.”

“Yeah. Rafa had picked that when we first found out she was a girl. He was going to call her ‘Charli’.”

“You guys will get another chance.”

“I suppose.”

“Izzy? Oh, I’m sorry.”

She was shocked to her boyfriend’s mother at her bedroom door.

“Uh, come in, Lucia.”

“Yeah, I was just bringing my sister some food since she’s basically restricted to the bed,” Tony halfway joked. “I’m just next door if you need me.”

“Thanks, Junior. So, uh, Lucia…what…why…”

“Rafi told me what was going on.”

“I thought you guys weren’t speaking.”

“I didn’t kick him out of the house. Let’s just get that clear now.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“He wanted me to come check on you.”

“Oh.”

“And I wanted to come check on you,” she said as she teared up. “I am so sorry you are having to go through this. My Rafi was so excited when he told me you were pregnant.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. He told me you two had figured out a plan that could let him continue his education. Once he was out of law school, the three of you were going to be a family.”

“We were.”

“You still will be. This baby is going to bond you forever.”

“I suppose she will.”

“Things happen for a reason, right?”

“That’s what I’ve always been taught. I just don’t know what the reason behind this is.”

“To make you two stronger. Then when he graduates law school and becomes a lawyer, you two can try again.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

“Mama wanted to come but her hip is bothering her. The stairs are hard for her when the weather starts changing.”

“I understand.”

“But she did send you some lechon asado,” Lucia laughed as she pulled the Tupperware out of her huge purse.

“Oh, tell her thank you for me.”

“I definitely will. How long are you on bedrest?”

“Until she decides to…uh…to…”

“Okay, okay,” Lucia whispered as she took Izzy’s hand. “I want you or Rafi or Stella to call me as soon as you go into labor.”

“Someone will.”

Lucia sat and visited and even felt her granddaughter kick before leaving after an hour.

****************

“Mama?”

“What’s the matter, Izz?” Stella asked when her daughter woke her up on October 29th, 1996 at 2 in the morning.

“My water broke.”

“Okay,” Stella said as she quickly through the covers off of her. “Are you sure?”

“I didn’t pee the bed, Ma.”

“Okay. I’ll call Rafael and your dad. Go get changed.”

She did what her mother told her as Stella got ready and made the phone calls. Rafael was met outside of his dorm by a BPD car. Anthony had grew up with Sonny Malone in Bay Ridge and he was a Lieutenant for the Boston police department. Rafael threw his stuff in the back seat, hopped in the front seat.

Sonny turned on the sirens and lights and they headed to New York. Rafael was a little scared during the trip. Sure, it was the late hours but the speeds Sonny was going to the New York state line were freaking him out.

They were met by a New York state trooper that picked Rafael up and took him the rest of the way.

Stella, Lucia, and Anthony were in the room with Izzy. She was only 36 weeks a long but they knew this was a possibility. Charlotte wasn’t very big and Izzy didn’t have to dilate much to give birth to her, which she was determined to do unless Dr. Roberts told her different.

The contractions weren’t that bad. Charli’s heartbeat was there but it wasn’t very strong.

She had only been in labor about 7 hours and dilated to an 8, which was enough for her to have Charli, who was actually in perfect position. Dr. Roberts ushered everyone but Rafael out of the room.

They had to be very careful, not to break any bones as she pushed Charli out, while Rafael held her hand, with his other hand around her shoulders.

They heard the faintness cry from their daughter as she was carefully cleaned up. She was so tiny it seemed as the nurse gently placed her in Izzy’s arms. Soon, Stella, Anthony, and Lucia were allowed back in the room.

Everyone got to hold her for a short amount of time; Rafael being the last one. He held the tiny little girl in his arms. He could see, even with her brittle bones, she looked just like her mother. All he could do was cry.

He sat talking to her in English and Spanish, trying in what little time he had with her to tell her how much he and her mommy had always loved each other. Tony, Erin, and Krystal had taken red-eye flights.

They arrived just in time to see little Charli looking around. Then, as Rafael held her, she looked up at him, took one last breath, and closed her eyes.

Their little girl was gone. He handed her back to Izzy so she could hold her once more while she was still warm. Izzy just started bawling as she kissed her daughter’s head.

The NICU nurses gave them a little bit of time before placing her in an incubator to take her to the morgue. Anthony had already made everyone leave so Rafael and Izzy could be alone with their daughter. Once they wheeled her out, Rafael just sobbed as he wrapped his arms around his girlfriend.

*******************

Charlotte was dressed in a pink dress that they had to have made especially for her 4lb 5 oz, 16 inch body. A white headband with a pink bow adorned her head. She was covered with a pink blanket and a pink bunny rabbit was placed in the tiny white casket.

Queen’s “These Are the Days of Our Lives” played as well as Boyz II Men & Mariah Carey’s “One Sweet Day”, and Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer”.

Izzy couldn’t take herself away from her daughter, even though the church was ready to begin the funeral. It didn’t help that she was so doped on Xanax to keep her calm. Rafael and Anthony finally got to her to sit down so the priest could begin.

Even with the Xanax in her system, Izzy bawled and didn’t hear most of the priest’s words. All she could think about was holding her daughter for the first time and then the last time. She didn’t even care who had showed up.

Charlotte Grace Barba was buried in the Bronx next to Rafael’s grandfather Eduardo Diaz. A reception of sorts took place at Anthony and Stella’s in Bensonhurst.

Izzy just sat in a chair in the living room. She was numb to everyone and everything around her. Antonio had come with his girlfriend Laura, along with his sister Gabby and their parents, Eddie was there, Alex and Yelina as well. A lot of people they graduated with had come, too.

Erin’s uncle Hank Voight and his wife Camille came, a long with her brother Steven and their parents. Izzy just didn’t care. Maybe it was selfish but she wanted her daughter in her arms. She grew tired of all the people and went upstairs to her bedroom.

Rafael knew where she went when Krystal had noticed she wasn’t in her chair.

“Mi amor?”

“What?” She asked as she stared out onto the street from her window.

“Talk to me.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I want her here.”

“I do, too, cariño,” he said as he slowly ran his hands up and down her arms.

“Why did this happen to us, Raf?” She asked as she broke down while turning into his chest.

“I don’t know, bebita. I don’t know,” he told her as he rubbed her back while he started crying.

They just stood there in her room, embracing each other as they cried at the loss of their daughter.

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tiny-personal-university-thing · 6 years

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My {Formerly} Bad Student Story: Physical and Mental Health Almost Destroyed Me - But I’m Back and Better Than Ever

Please read if you have suffered from chronic illness/pain or with your mental health to the detriment of your education!

Where to begin?

To start, a little bit about me. I am 21 years old, and currently a junior in college at Texas Tech University. I was born and raised in Houston, Texas, but I currently go to school in Lubbock, Texas – 532 miles from where I grew up in Houston. I’m what my school calls a “University Studies” major, which means that my degree is comprised of three “disciplines.” Those include Women’s Studies, Legal Studies and Environmental Science. This is all in the hopes that I will make a well-rounded candidate for law school.

So this is where it gets interesting; this is the “{formerly}” bad student part. Basically, I didn’t do so hot my first two years at college. I suffer from chronic nerve pain due to 6 bulged discs because of a really bad car accident I had my senior year of high school - my truck was actually totaled. Additionally, I have this autoimmune disease called Hashimoto’s. It’s also called Chronic Lymphocytic Thyroiditis. It’s not fatal - it just sucks. In fact, it’s fairly common. My mom also has it. It’s just a major lifestyle change because my thyroid is either under-functioning or over-functioning. One of the most common symptoms across the board is debilitating fatigue. One may also experience copious hair loss (from it literally breaking off), hyperthyroidism/hypothyroidism, unexplained weight gain, depression/anxiety, joint stiffness, memory lapses, or complications such as heart disease. You can’t really be cured of Hashimoto’s, you just have to do your best to keep your life in a state of equilibrium. On top of all that, I was also officially diagnosed with an anxiety disorder (GAD), my freshman year of college; however, I have suffered from high-functioning anxiety since I was in the 2nd grade. I actually tested in the 98th percentile for anxiety. With my Hashimoto’s and chronic pain severely limiting my ability to even physically get out of bed, my grades really suffered. I was involved in a total of 8 organizations my first year of college, co-founder of two (one that focuses on raising awareness about sex trafficking that I am particularly proud of), and another that raises funds to establish legal aid clinics in less developed nations. I was also an officer in three of the aforementioned organizations, including the president of my dorm. But when I started to really get sick, participating in anything became so hard. I felt my peers judging me. I knew they didn’t believe me. My anxiety, which had been dormant for a couple years, came back with a vengeance. It almost destroyed me. I became isolated. I barely left my dorm - only to feed my horse each night or to buy food on campus. Every Friday, my mother would literally beg me to go out with friends, to reach out to literally anyone. I frequently considered the possibility of taking my own life - although I would describe it more along the lines of a general desire to cease existing, or to have never existed at all. I had never been so low in my entire life. My first semester, I did decently. I managed to go to the majority of my classes, and make decent grades that didn’t raise any red flags with my family or my school. While my social life did pick up my sophomore year and I began to form the close friendships we associate with college; unfortunately, I continued to regress academically in the semesters that followed.

But, enough about that. The fact that I was always in pain/tired to the point of delirium/constantly ill made it really hard for me to focus on school. Often, the pain or fatigue was so bad I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t participate in the organizations I was excited about, ride my horse, play violin, or go to classes despite being eager to learn. When I did feel okay enough to go to class, I was bombarded by pervasive, irrational thoughts like “I’ve missed class for weeks, the professor/students are going to judge me when I show back up again tomorrow.” I just didn’t get it. I didn’t understand how I went from the girl who begged her mother to let her go to school when she was violently ill with the flu in 7th grade because I loved it so much, to the girl who hadn’t gone to class in so many days she lost count. I ended up having to take a semester off from school. I remained in the city where my college is and bided my time by working - serving and eventually bartending full time. While working 40+ hours per week, I also tried to find a good pain management doctor and a decent endocrinologist. By remaining in the city I went to college, I was able to maintain a facade that I was still in school. When anyone asked me about school, I kept my answers terse, and general. School was “good,” I was taking “some classes.”

When my semester off came to an end, I actually elected to take another semester off. I was torn in my decision to do this. I felt like I was letting everyone down a second time, that I would be stigmatized as a “drop out,” and I felt like no one believed me when I said I was going back. However, in my heart I still knew that I wasn’t in that much better of a place than I was when I left school. I am so glad I made that decision.

My second semester off, I found a good pain management doctor not far from where my mom lives. My insurance covered spinal injections frequently used to treat bulged discs, where I underwent general anesthesia and essentially my doctor went into the epidural space in my spine to administer steroids to the bulged discs that he believed to be causing my nerve pain. While these injections are temporary and I’ll have to go back and get more injections whenever the pain returns - they have brought me great relief. I continued working my job at the restaurant and became much more financially independent. This helped me to feel like less of a burden, and much more productive, in turn helping me with my anxiety. It also felt good having money. I was able to take over paying my rent, utilities, groceries, and costs associated with my horse. I also learned about Hashimoto’s, the symptoms (intolerable fatigue, insomnia despite said fatigue, gluten intolerance, inability to lose weight, my hair literally breaking off at alarming quantities, unbearable intolerance to the cold, inflamed joints, etc.) and how to live with it.

After that semester, I was ready and determined not to fail. As the Spring 2018 semester neared, I made an appointment to see an advisor at my university, who became one of the two advisors I saw about every 3 weeks. They knew all aspects of my life; my mental health, my physical health, my struggles with my job, my aspirations, everything. It was in meeting them that I realized my first year at Tech I made a huge mistake by only meeting with the advisor assigned to me when I had some sort of hold on my account - which was once a semester at best. My advisors have fervently supported me. I am so grateful to them for the resources and affirmation they have provided me with this semester. Additionally, I learned to be more honest about my struggles with the rest of my support system, including my family and friends. I kept the secret of my two semesters off from everyone I was related to except for my mom. Even my dad was unaware until my second semester off. I did this mostly out of shame, but now that I’m back on track I actually want to tell everyone my story. I also learned to be honest with myself about my genuine short comings that are unrelated to my health - including my organizational skills and time management skills. Lastly, I learned to be proud of myself, even for little victories.

This is now (as I am writing this) my first semester back at school in two semesters (not including the summer sessions). Again, I am actually genuinely proud of the work that I have put forward. I’m aspiring to make my school’s Dean’s List or President’s List every semester from now until I graduate (which, by the way, is still in 2019 - the same as it was when I first came to college, which just goes to show you that it’s okay to take time off from school if that’s what you need). I’m aspiring to graduate at least cum laude. I’m aspiring to receive at least a 172/180 on the Law School Admission Test, and I will get into law school. I know that I am capable of these things because of the time I took away from school to better myself. Finally, my hope is that other college students facing similar adversities will be able to resonate with me, realize that college is not a race (you are under no obligation to be out in exactly four years or less), and see that they absolutely can overcome their obstacles.

Finally, I am certain that my struggle is not rare. I know that some of you may struggle with anxiety or depression. I know that some of you may suffer from chronic illness or pain that peers your age cannot truly relate to. I know that some of you may fear disappointing your family. I would like to add that I am here for you. I can promise you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If anyone - ANYONE - feels like they need someone to talk to, please feel free to reach out to me. I am up at all hours of the day and night usually. If you need just general advice, I got you. I hope that my story resonates with some of you.

My Story will be permanently linked to my blog via the “My Story” tab. As always, happy studying, fellow realistic students. And thank you again for 100+ followers. I am overwhelmed by your continued support.

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purplesurveys · 6 years

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What type of movies do you get into the easiest? I’d be drawn to anything as long as it isn’t a western, comedy, fantasy, or overwhelmingly crime.

If you could learn to play any instrument, what would you pick? Piano. That got away from me.

What is it about a stranger that makes you interested in them? If they speak intelligently, I’d want to know them immediately.

Are you materialistic? Aren’t we all...

Do you think more with your heart, your mind or your body? Sometimes heart, sometimes mind.

What types of things fascinate you? Horror, cultures, pro wrestling.

Do you think it’s all right to completely ruin someone’s life on purpose? If it’s like a pedophile’s or a rapist’s life then yeah totally.

What are your opinions on bullying? I don’t think there’s ever an excuse for it. Even if you say that it’s got something to do with the bully’s personal life, that doesn’t mean they could go right ahead and ruin a smaller kid’s day. I was quite the bully before and even I think that’s bullshit and shouldn’t be a free pass to start being an asshole.

If you were a writer, what type of stuff would you most likely write? News, editorials, similar articles.

Do you have any mental disorders or diseases? I’m positive that I do, but in my almost 20 years of existence I haven’t gotten myself checked. I can’t led my parents find out.

How do you feel upon seeing someone who’s missing an appendage? I get curious about how it happened and want to approach them so they get to tell their story; I don’t judge.

Do you feel you’re more beautiful inside or out? Inside. I do my best to make people happy and feel loved because heaven knows all of us need those these days. I don’t really pay attention as to how I look.

Do you let music move your body, or do you hold back? Hold back, definitely. Even when I’ve had a little to drink - you would never see me letting loose. Dancing just isn’t my thing.

Are you willing to do whatever it takes to have fun? Anything is a huge stretch. I’ll pass.

What is something that is often on your mind (besides specific people)? How worried I am about this semester being that I have four terror profs. One has high standards, one knows her shit, one is a bitch, and the other is a Mega Bitch who embarrasses students. FUN! My mental health is in for a ride.

What kinds of feelings do your hobbies leave you with? Happiness and comfort.

Why is your favorite store your favorite? I don’t really have a favorite store. I buy from wherever a thing I need could be bought. Do you prefer touch screens to non-touch screens? Touch screen. It’d be refreshing to get to use a phone with buttons though.

Can you handle the stress of working in food/customer service? I’d never need to, as I’m an intelligent person who likes to have a real job. < Yeesh. My dad is an executive sous chef and is one of the most intelligent people I know. And it is most definitely a real job; he showed me around his office(s) when he brought me to the cruise ship he works in. Don’t discriminate and don’t invalidate. Anyway, while I realize that there are people who still think like this, I probably couldn’t. Mad respect to them for handling hundreds of entitled, screaming, angry customers every day.

Are you ever rude to people on purpose? If they’re rude to me first then I have the right to be rude back. But normally, no.

Can you feel the rush of energy a band brings when playing live? Oh my god YES. BRING ME TO PARAMORE PART II.

How do you feel when you’re around a lot of people you don’t know? Nervous. I always make it a point to be around a familiar crowd, because my anxiety could always pop up at any second.

Do you pick up on the feelings of others easily? Very. I’m super sensitive when it comes to that.

Would you let your child have a pet? Not their own, but yes I would want both a kid and a big dog.

Where were you raised and what’s it like? For the first quarter of my life I was raised in Tondo, which was the most liberating and stress-free time I’ve had since I was basically a kid of the streets. It made it easier to blend in and understand the jologs culture (Google it) while the rest of my upper-middle class friends are grossed out by it. For most of my life though I lived in suburban neighborhoods in Antipolo and it was mainly quiet, isolated, and boring.

Is there a reason behind your name? My parents say I was named after the singer Robyn, but they occasionally change their answer when I ask where my name came from. Until now, I’ve never gotten to the truth.

Are you in love and if so, for how long? Yes. Five years.

How many times have you thought you were in love? I’ve only decided that I was once, and it is the same one I have now.

How did you know you were in love? I knew I wanted to be with her for a very, very long time. I felt comfort with her presence. That’s simply it.

Have you done drugs and if so, which was the best? Never.

Do you recycle, or do you feel guilty about not recycling? Sure. I segregate more often, though.

Have you ever been sexually educated? Nope. Had to piece it together all by myself when I was around 11. That’s how it works in the Philippines.

Did you attend public or private school? The education system works different here, but just to answer the question I went to private school all my life. My university is public, though.

Are you an only child or do you have siblings? I have two siblings, both younger.

What age did you lose your virginity? 18.

What will your life be like in twenty years? Hopefully financially stable. And with a kid. Or kids.

Have you ever offended a celebrity? Yeah. CM Punk has me blocked. Understandably so, though; I was a little prick of a fangirl at the time.

Would you marry someone if you thought their parents were insane? It would be a problem but I don’t think it’d lessen or tarnish what I felt for my partner. Thankfully I don’t have to face this because my girlfriend’s parents are the kindest, sweetest people.

Have you ever been at home and wondered where everyone went? No, but I’ve woken up* and thought the same thing.

Did you know grape juice and baking soda can be used as invisible ink? Cool. I’ll keep that in mind if the need to use invisible ink rises.

Is it fun to be mean to little kids? It’s always good fun to tease them, but I could never be mean to one–unless they’re a huge asshole at like 5 (which happens a whole lot.) My mother has been continually mean to me all my life and I remember every single crappy thing she did when I was a kid myself.

Have you ever wanted to be a teacher so you could be mean to little kids? No, that’s the worst. But some teachers are so disgustingly mean that this question is making me think that they applied to be a teacher solely so that they had the space to be like what they are. Hi, Ms. Belen, Sir Ruel, and Sir Johnny!

Have you ever been embarrassed to discuss something with a doctor? A little. I had a hickey on my belly the day of my medical exam, and when she was checking my bare torso she saw it and tapped on it and asked me what it was. I was flustered and said I didn’t know before insisting I was fine then she moved on. My dad was waiting outside so he couldn’t find out lmao.

Do you enjoy talking to people over webcam? No, because the Internet connection here is a huge hassle.

Is there a video game that you have beaten everyone you challenged at? Nope, I don’t play video games to beat people; mostly just to roam around in open world games, really.

Would you ever push someone into the middle of the street? I don’t think I would have the balls to.

Are you desperate for things to change? No.

Do you talk to people about your problems? Just my girlfriend, and sometimes Angela.

Have you ever become unconscious? Welp other than sleeping, I’ve fainted a few times before due to hunger.

Do you hate being the first person to start a conversation? Sometimes.

Would you rather die or eat another human being? I think I’d much rather die than having to resort to cannibalism. In any situation.

Do you think people who say that they ‘don’t have regrets’ are telling a lie? I always say I don’t have regrets and my reasoning for it is that the now-wrong thing I did or had was what I wanted at the time, and I’m not gonna invalidate what I wanted before. Yes, I’ve had stupid decisions, but I don’t like the idea of taking them away from me by regretting them. And I don’t lie about this, so... that’s your answer.

How many cups of coffee do you have to drink to totally become hyper? Not sure. I don’t drink coffee to be hyper.

Do you ever get hyper off of sugar? I don’t think that has ever happened, no.

Would you ever become a psychologist? How about a psychiatrist? I wish. I wanted to and still want to take up BS Psych and work in that field, but alas I’m stuck somewhere else.

Do you know what the difference between a psychiatrist and psychologist is? I do.

Does/did the last person you text messaged go to the same school as you? Nope, she studies like two cities away.

Is there anything worrying you? Right now I just want my phone to be as alive and USEFUL while I wait for my dad to come home and lend me his iPhone because that’s how most people contact me. Mine is practically useless and dies after using for like 20 minutes.

If so, have you talked to anyone about it? Yeah I told my dad about it, said I had to wait 14 more days before he gets back and deals with it.

What colour are the eyes of the last person you held hands with? Dark brown.

Is it possible to be “just friends” with someone you have feelings for? Yes, if you haven’t admitted it at all. Not so much, if you’ve admitted and they’ve said they don’t feel the same.

Is there someone of the opposite sex that you can talk to about anything? No.

Are you looking forward to anything? YESSSSS. There’s a vegan place on campus now and I plan to try it later and I’m way too excited for it.

Should you be doing something else right now? Eating breakfast and getting ready for school.

Is it important to be on a similar intelligence level as the person you’re with? That is very important to me, yes.

What’s your favorite Ben & Jerry’s flavor? I’ve never tried Ben & Jerry as it’s ridiculously expensive here, where B&J is seen as one of the snootier imported brands. It’s like 575 pesos for a small ass pint. That’s $11 for something I can finish in one sitting, and believe me that’s overpriced in the Philippines. I’d much rather buy the local 1.5L tub of cookies and cream ice cream for P245/$5.

What do you really watch on TV in the middle of the night? I don’t even watch TV during the day.

What’s your favorite song to sing in the shower? I don’t sing in the shower.

Have you ever had your phone taken away at school? No. I never brought it at least until the latter months of the school year when the teachers stop caring, since surprise inspections are a thing in my old school.

How old were you the first time you dyed your hair? I’ve never done it.

What do your slippers look like? I don’t use slippers around the house. I never got use to it as I didn’t grow up doing it.

Do you think your ex still wants to be with you? She did. Now she is with me.

Where were you two hours ago? I was in bed, sleeping.

Has anyone ever cried in your arms? Yes.

What was the last thing you randomly decided to buy on the spur of the moment? I reeeeeally try to avoid impulse shopping now, hahaha. It’s worked so far, since I can’t give you an answer to this question.

Do you get along with your best friend’s parents? Yes, I love both Angela’s and Gabie’s parents :(

What’s the closest thing to you that’s blue? My school bag.

Are there any foods that you love but can’t eat, for any reason? Thankfully nope.

Are you hiding something from someone at the moment? No.

What flavor was the last ice cream you ate? Cookies and cream.

Have you ever told anyone that you never wanted to lose them? Yeah along the lines of that. Then Sofie faded out of my life. Then Gabie was away from the picture for a while. Shit happens, and that’s okay.

First name of the last person to text you? Gabie.

What are your plans for the weekend? Drown in readings for my Tuesday class.

#survey #surveys

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scrambledthoughtz · 4 years

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fed up w/ quarantine & other thoughts

been feeling really fucking fed up with myself recently. every time i feel like complaining about this quarantine or shelter-in-place, i feel like a stuck-up asshole and i just remember that TikTok that's like "Kim, there are literally people dying." i understand that i'm in a huge position of privilege given the circumstances because my family and i can afford to stock up on food, toilet paper, and cleaning agents. i know that we are lucky to even have the chance to complain about the fact that we are stuck at home -- reading, sleeping, catching up on lectures, painting, or whatever other activites people have picked up during this quarantine. i know that there are people out there (like doctors, nurses, mail men, grocery store workers, Uber drivers and more) who are working their asses off to make sure that we are able to maintain at least some degree of normalcy despite the chaos that we have all been thrown into. and massive props to them -- i really can't even begin to express my gratitude for those who are still working hard at their jobs while the rest of us get to stay at home. so trust me when i say i know. i know i shouldn't really even be complaining because in the grand scheme of things, i am lucky. my family is lucky. many of us are lucky. but with all that being said, i'm not going to deny the fact that these extended periods of time spent cooped up inside has taken a bit of a toll. i've been so fed up with myself recently for a number of reasons. first, it has been SO hard to focus at home. i'm not used to being inside for so long, or not having the option to go somewhere else to study when my room proves itself to be a massive distraction. it's not like i don't have anything to do. i do. i had midterms last week, and finals this week. but despite this, i've found it so difficult to focus and to commit to sitting down and actually put effort into my schoolwork. i'm the type of person who hates turning something in when i know i haven't put my best effort into. sometimes it is what it is, but especially with my bigger assignments (like this 10-page research paper i have due at the end of this week), i would absolutely hate to turn in something that i'm not at least decently proud of. and i've always been this way. i always tell people the story of when i fell asleep the night before my country report was due, and i woke up to it being finished, thanks for my mom to took over and finished up my project while i had temporarily passed out on the floor next to the computer. in the end, i got an A, but i was still upset because i felt like i didn't deserve the grade that i had gotten. it was my mom's A, not my own. since then, i've mellowed down a little. i've grown to understand that i can't put my 100% into everything, but i still hate turning in something that i'm not proud of. but i just can't find the willpower to sit down and freaking type out this paper. i don't even know why. actually, maybe i do. a few weeks ago, i went to an academic coaching appointment at Foothill, and i told the coach that i may have an perfectionist instict where i drag out assignments because i know that they're going to take a lot of effort and brainpower and i don't want to churn out anything sub-par. it's a worthy revelation, but it doesn't do me any good if i don't work on it. now, i'm not a perfect (or even a stellar) student by any stretch of the imagination, but i don't think i really realized how much of my identity is tied with school and my education. without that structure and constant push, i feel genuinely lost. it's like, "what now?" what am i working towards? if i have too much time on my hands, i'm almost always itching for that empty space to be filled with schoolwork, or any type of productive activity. it's not like i LOVE school or anything, but i also don't hate it. and actually, nowadays, i really miss it. i miss my instructors. i miss my classmates. i miss sitting in a classroom and participating in-person. i'm honestly kind of sick of talking with people over the phone, text, email, or FaceTime. i miss the physical face-to-face connection. i miss my workplace. i miss it a lot. i miss my supervisors, my co-workers, and the ridiculous conversations we'd have during the night shifts. i miss laughing so hard that my stomach hurts and tears are streaming out of my eyes. i've been spending an obscene amount of time on social media, and it's been more toxic, time-consuming, and draining than anything. i've uninstalled and reinstalled Snapchat, Instagram, and TikTok countless times over the past week. i honestly lost count of the number of times that i uninstalled one of those apps in a brief moment of determination and productivity, and then reinstalled in a prolonged period of boredom. my sister has been so productive these past few days, and i envy her focus. i'm starting to develop an irrational resentment towards her. she is able to focus for long periods of time, she has the willpower to not snack out of boredom, and she has somehow developed impressive upper body-strength. she goes on daily runs, and she is able to manufacture structure for herself in an otherwise long, uneventful day. the days are beginning to blend together, and i've told myself that i wouldn't let myself succumb to boredom. i try to keep myself busy. i downloaded an audiobook that i listen to in the morning and while i'm walking my dog. it's a charming book, something that i wouldn't be able to get through if i was physically reading it myself. it's called "The Rosie Project." i see so many people rediscovered hobbies and talents, learning how to cook, finally getting to that "stack of books that they've been meaning to get to", creating their own home workouts, and i feel so much guilt. i feel so much guilt that i've been sitting on my ass all day, complaining. not doing much except for refreshing each of my social media apps, hoping for new posts to scroll through. i know that there are things that i should be doing, but i just can't. i know that i should learn to cook because i am going to be moving out soon. i know that i should take this opportunity to work out more often. i know that i've been looking for more time to read, and this extra time has cropped up. i know, i know, i know. i'm beginning to develop familiar resentment towards my friend, who keeps on sending me frightening statistics. stop getting your anxiety all over me. i know that the amount of coronavirus cases in the Santa Clara county has tripled in the past week. i know that the president is shutting down borders and banning international (and even domestic) travel. i know that we are basically trapped. i know that a "shelter-in-place" directive is one of the most serious directives out there, and that it should not be taken lightly. i know that we need to work on flattening the curve, and that we are barely even there. i know that school is probably cancelled for the rest of the semester and that it'll take place virtually, even though the shelter-in-place is only supposed to last until April 7. i know that it'll be extended because the spread of this virus has shown no signs of slowing down. i know that, despite what the media tells us, the elderly are not the only ones who are susceptible. wash your hands, wear a face-mask when you go out, wear gloves, don't touch your face or your mouth. social distancing is the legal mandate. stay 6 feet away. no social gatherings. stay at home, stay at home, stay at home. don't go to the beach and party it up like a fucking idiot. all non-essential businesses shut down. no one knows how long this is going to last. the death toll keeps increasing. our governor may even shut down beaches because ppl aren't taking the shelter-in-place mandate seriously enough. it's crazy, it's uncertain. thankfully my professors have been so understanding, so kind, and so generous. my Ethics professor made our final option (although i'm still going to take it because i have a fucking B in the class right now -- another story for another time). my research methods professor has extended our paper deadline three times, and she sends out announcements reminding us to take care of ourselves. i know that it's a difficult time, but i can't help but feel guilty. yes, it's a difficult time for everyone involved, but surely more so for others? i'm just sitting at home complaining and eating chips. this doesn't apply to me? i don't deserve an extension on anything because i'm not doing anything anyways. it's not like i have anything else to do except my assignments, and i'm still not doing them. i feel like a lazy piece of shit who is just going to take advantage of these extensions to procrastinate even more than i already am. sure, it's lonely at times and i've only really talked in-person with my family for more than a week. but i didn't do anything to deserve this. the real support and recognition should go to those on the frontlines -- the doctors, nurses, infectious disease experts, and so on. props even to my dad, who is a dentist. i'm just sitting at home, having the luxury of doing nothing, having my meals made for me, while my professors are frantically working behind the scenes to make sure we still get our education. i don't deserve this. it always boils down to this, and i'm not sure why. a lingering feeling of guilt or "un-deserved-ness".

#personal #coronavirus

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consulting-celiac-in-the-tardis · 7 years

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How a Fibromyalgia Warrior Takes Control of Her Joint Health + GIVEAWAY

New blog post!

This post is generously sponsored by GOPO.

When you have fibromyalgia, trial and error is a regular part of everyday life. You tweak your medications, your workout routine and even the foods you eat (perhaps going as far to try a gluten free diet for fibromyalgia), all in the hopes of finding a happier, healthier you. I'd be lying to say that I've found the secret formula to eliminating my fibromyalgia pain. However, in my 10-year journey with chronic illness, I've discovered several tricks that help me manage my fibromyalgia symptoms. One of the most recent additions? A joint health supplement called GOPO, which three lucky winners will get the chance to try for themselves.

Keep reading to learn four ways this fibromyalgia warrior takes control of her joint health and to enter the GOPO giveaway!

1. Keep a food journal or jot down what you ate before having a flare, and try to avoid dietary triggers.

I get it. Keeping a food journal is tedious and time-consuming. And, as always, you should talk with your doctor before making any big changes to your diet. If you're sick of randomly feeling cruddy after meals, though, a food journal can be a good place to start!

My kind of food journal!

Take me, for example. I have to eat a gluten free diet due to celiac disease. When I continued to battle joint pain and bloating after going gluten free, though, I started paying attention to what gluten free foods were still triggering flare ups. What did I discover? For one thing, corn and I do not get along. Whether it's in the form of pasta, chips or corn on the cob, corn messes with my stomach and my joints. I also stumbled upon the low fodmap diet (just google that phrase if you aren't familiar with it), and pinpointed over foods on my body's no-go list (like garlic and mango). How you keep a food journal is up to you. Personally, I kept a "visual" journal by taking pictures of my meals (Instagram photos with a purpose!). You don't have to keep a food journal forever, either. Maybe start with a week, see if you have any flares with identifiable triggers, and go from there!

2. Find the exercise routine that works for your body.

Repeat after me: everybody is different...and every body is different too. Some of my friends feel awesome running several days a week and doing nothing else. Others love weight lifting and hardly ever do cardio.

At the bottom of The Incline!

Personally, I've found that a mix of different often low-intensity exercises suits my body best. Yoga can help me stretch out and release tension after a long day of computer work. Biking lets me get cardio without hurting my knees. Weight lifting - after years of slowly building up strength and learning what moves don't trigger a fibromyalgia flare up - helps me feel like a (mini) badass. And, most recently, trying out rock climbing or long hikes (like the infamous Manitou Incline!) is good for my soul. The point is that you should find the exercises that work for you and your body. Keep in mind that your "perfect" workouts may change with time. Recently, I re-aggravated an old IT band strain, which means my stationary bike, long walks and yoga are majorly off-limits. Instead, easy stretching, weight lifting and short stints on the elliptical are what my body needs right now.

I'll also say this: don't give up hope. Sure, it's super frustrating when you try (and maybe even love) a new exercise routine, only to be hit by a major fibromyalgia flare the next day. But when you learn the workouts that actually work for your body? That feeling is worth all of the time and mistrials!

3. Listen to your body - and don't feel ashamed or embarrassed to cancel plans if you need to.

In a culture full of FOMO (or Fear of Missing Out), it can be easy to feel obligated to always be social, productive and, well, on. I know I often fall victim to this mindset; when I'm not in class, I'm working on homework. When I'm not working on assignments for school, I'm just plain working. And even when I have some "free time," I'm often spending it on (rewarding but brain-consuming) activities like blogging. When your body is screaming that you that you need to slow the heck down, though, try to listen. Consider telling your friends the basics about fibromyalgia, so that they can better understand why you sometimes feel like Superwoman (or Superman)...and sometimes can barely get out of bed. Instead of full-out canceling plans, you can also suggest flare-friendly alternatives like a movie marathon or a relaxing night under the stars.

Equally socially awkward roommates help too...

When you do need to cancel plans outright, don't beat yourself up about it. I vividly remember how, during my last semester of college, I accidentally took my pills - including my sleeping medicine - four hours early. I had an important class that night, but I knew I'd be a zombie by the time it started. I cried, hated the fact that I had to worry about taking pills at all, and, in the end, I missed that important class. But the world didn't end, my final grade didn't fall off a cliff, and I got the sleep that my body obviously needed. You didn't choose to have a chronic illness, but you can choose not to blame yourself for needing to slow down every once in a while. And that decision can make a huge difference.

4. Look into supplements like GOPO.

The newest "trick" I've added to my joint health routine is a supplement called GOPO Rosehip with Galactolipids. If you've never heard of GOPO, it's probably because it's more well-known (and commonly used) in Europe. However, GOPO is now available in America...and if you're looking for a way to upgrade your joint health, this supplement could help.

How does it work? You can thank the galactolipids found naturally in rose hip, which is the fruit of a rose. Galactolipids are thought to aid joint and joint tissue health*, and GOPO's rose hip is designed to be especially potent and targeted toward joint care. GOPO only contains three ingredients - rose hip, hypromellose, and vitamin C (sodium ascorbate) - and is free of gluten, wheat, yeast, dairy, lactose, shellfish and animal products.

So what has my experience been with GOPO? It would be an exaggeration to say that my joint pain has disappeared since I started taking GOPO. However, combined with my usual stretching and trigger-free diet, my joints have been handling the weather changes and stress associated with moving to a new state much better than I anticipated. Slowly but surely, my leg injuries have also been improving. I couldn't have found a better time to try out GOPO, either. Since rose hip is naturally high in Vitamin C, GOPO is a great secret weapon for staying healthy during back to school season!

As I've said earlier in this post, what works for me may not work for you and, in my experience, a combination of different lifestyle changes and treatment plans is often needed to live your healthiest and happiest life with fibromyalgia. However, when I hear about a supplement that offers a natural way to improve my joint health, it definitely catches my attention.

If you're curious about how GOPO would affect your joint health and want to try it for yourself, you can find GOPO at The Vitamin Shoppe, Vitamin World and stores like Kroger and Walgreens. If you enter my GOPO-sponsored giveaway below, though, you could be one of the three lucky winners to receive a voucher for a free bottle of GOPO (up to a $29.99 value)!

GOPO Giveaway Rules

This giveaway ends on August 25 at 12 AM Central time, and the three winners will be announced here by August 27. This giveaway is only open to US residents over age 18, and the randomly selected winners will have 24 hours to respond to my email and claim their prize. There is no purchase necessary, the number of eligible entries received will determine the odds of winning, and this giveaway is void where prohibited by law.

Best of luck to everyone who enters!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

When you're living with fibromyalgia, finding a treatment plan that works for you can feel like searching for the holy grail. If you're feeling frustrated, though, just know this: small changes to your lifestyle, your diet or even your medications can make a big difference in your overall quality of life. And there's nothing more rewarding than finally figuring out what your body really needs!

*These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.

How do you take control of your joint health or overall health? Tell me in the comments below!

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#Blogger #college #celiac #gluten free #coeliac #celiacs #paleo #primal #foodporn #foodart

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