#i just struggle with gaslighting myself

[mueritos]

its my bday today so heres a new meet the artist :3

#muertodraws #finished my first day of grad school #i would have enjoyed it more if this fuck ass heat wave wasnt happening #but it wasnt too bad im excited to get to workin #also this mta is the first one where i felt like i didnt have to try hard #im allowing myself to exist as i am #and it feels nice #that includes the questioning of autism #aka i am probably autistic #i just struggle with gaslighting myself #but im learnig that autistic coping skills really work for me #like stimming and paying attention to my sensory and social needs #so that has been interesting #anyway #i am super tired but kind of hopeful :) #so thats nice #trans artist #queer artist #meet the artist

[chelsiegeorgia]

Oh Super Sonic how I love thee

#sonic the hedgehog #sonic #sonic adventure #chaos #art #fanart #tikal #master emerald #super sonic lore is my favorite #honeslty im just procrastinating form finishing my 2nd playthrough of sa2 #currently trying to force/gaslight myself into liking the game #its a struggle man #i wanna love it more thay anything

[boyghcst]

​idk not being able to trust ur own memories thoughts and feelings and constantly second guessing everything u think and do is no way to live

#idk but i feel like im always gaslighting myself n idek whts real or true or right. thoughts w past bad experiences #like I’ve just completely forgotten them. n idk ive had dissociative amnesia growing up w trauma #n it kinda feels like it’s the same thing where i just can’t remember like for so long it was the only thing keeping me up at night #and it makes me feel like a fraud. #I do doubt myself alot. like i always rhink in the bad person and in the wrong from bad experiences I’ve had w ppl #but like what if im not acc wrong n tht they were just harmful n i was struggling w it idk. #i hate thinking of myself as a victim and think im far more likely just a bad person #but everyone around me thinks the exact opposite even therapist so idk it’s like my own perception is so different to others #journal

[frobby]

I hate that disabled people need to be diagnosed to ask for accomodation. Accomodation should be available to everyone not just groups that *Need* it because if something makes someones life easier it should be available to them whether or not some doctor says its okay.

#Thinking about this cuz i asked my college professor if she knew a screen reader that worked with pdfs she was assigning #And she told me to call the disability office #But to get help from the disability office i need to be actually diagnosed and i dont want to/cant #So i just gotta struggle #Any autistics know of a free pdf reader that actually works let me know #This isnt even talking about people who are disabled and dont know about it #Idk if this a hot take or not #Happy autism acceptance month #Autism acceptance makes me think someone is giving me an award for autism #Which i accept graciously #I like being autisic but its so hard cuz my support needs arent very high so it feels like im gaslighting myself #I need to stop doing that #actually autistic #autism #disability #Just to add im not against getting diagnosed at all #Its just the theres some very simple accomodations that are unavaliable to people when not diagnosed and i think thats stupid

[olivertwistrabbit]

So I do this thing.

When I really like something (specific show or a music video or stuff like that ) and I want to info-dump about it, you know just to share my love and interest about that thing. I watch multiple reaction videos. I pick reactors from to thumbnail based on the least clickbait-y image because they seem like they'll probably truly enjoy that thing, and I can feel like I'm sharing it with a friend. Yes, I have friends to talk to about certain things that I like, but nobody really gets it or shares the need to kind of deep dive into that topic and talk about it with me for hours.

This is actually one of the main reasons I have this cup app (tumblr- tumbler- sounds like what my grandma calls cups glass cups specifically, I don't know if its something anyone has heard before i also think she called it that because of the sound it makes when it tumbles or because it would actually tumble)(glass cups tumble right? Like tumbleweed when they're knocked over? Or should it just be called rolling? Like it rolls away?) . I watch a show and my mutual are also probably watching the same show, so it's theories and breakdowns and deep analysis of this thing that I'm enjoying that is taking at least half of my brain space almost constantly, and we all just go through it together. And it still exists for me to go back to and re-experience for as long as I need or want to.

So, to the outside world and people around me, I am not obsessing over anything. I'm just going through my day like everyone else, and I get to enjoy what I want in a safe space.

#audhd #neurodivergent #adhd #i actaully dont like adding any one of these tags to my post #simply because its a self diagnosis #its years of not understanding why im struggling to finally having a name for it #or seeing posts from people that could very easily be in my head #because i relate to most of the things diagnosed people talk about #while actively gaslighting myself #because i could just be dramatic and reading too much into things #or looking for an excuse for my “laziness” #but a proper diagnosis is not in my near future #theres too much at stake

[st-highwind]

Ramble! That some might be able to relate to. It’s in the tags.

#I’ve been thinking a lot about Kain’s lunar trial and how CATHARTIC it has the possibility of being #as someone who struggles with guilt and shame I frequently personify such emotions and sometimes mentally imagine myself fighting them #having a physical manifestation of all your worst/most dangerous traits would be so polarizing in my mind #watching some demon masquerade around wearing your face while you know very well that it is as much a part of you as the blood in your veins #having the ability to duke it out with that manifestation could be so counter/productive #sure you might get some anger out and gaslight yourself into believing such feelings are quelled #but in reality you’ve just made it angrier #and while it recovers from a distance it boils and bubbles and churns and worsens like an infection #I have a similar manifestation planned out for thrush’s lunar trial as a parallel to kain’s but it is formatted in a way that appears as if+ #they are watching their own life had they not fled Troia. it’s a manifestation of cowardice and dysphoria and shame #and granted there is no dark thrush it’s lunar sylphs casting an illusion #but still! I had some thoughts and wanted to get them out there #ffiv #st highwind #rambling…

[weenhands]

ok might start exiting that phase of Me severly doubting and gaslighting myself on being possibly autismal because yea when i go research mode it all adds up but even when im assessing myself carefully on DSMV criteria it gets to a point where it's like ash ...... please stop playing dumb this is rlly serious

#its like. all of the criteria. all of it. To a very confident degree #i fit it so perfectly #and sometimes im like OK BUT its normal (gaslighting myself) to have abnormal interests at times (gaslighting myelf😁) #and to just have it be your whole identity (gaslighting yourself! age 9 all you could think about was little big planet 24/7 with #no exaggeration whatsoever it impaired your school life and temporarily your relationship with your brother:) youd throw intense meltdowns #when mom and dad said go to bed after playing all day:) you refused to get up and pee when you really had to! #age 13 you would rewatch my little pony equestria girls every single day after coming back from school. age 14 you became a knowledge bank #for every single youtuber/micro influencer on instagram who you admired and spent intense amount of study and focus trying to copy to a tea #in order to mask. age 16 and you oftentimes explain your extensive knowledge to haircare as you yoursef probably able to deal with a wide #variety of hair textures and porosities and types because you spent an entire year learning about nothing else but haircair #and stayed up till 6am every night doing so. unable to stop. #age 18-19 you became so fixated on tarot the passage of time didnt exist. you almot forgot to eat for an entire 10 hours when you got your #first deck. if you were to pick up a deck at that time you wouldnt be able to stop yourself. age 20 your fixation on makeup is so strong #youve probably spent a total of 4k on makeup in the past year. you couldnt stop infodumping on both haircare for HOURS and on makeup #it is the only thing you want to talk about) #but no. its normal that EVERY SINGLE interest ive had ive had it to an abnormal extent #and its not just that. its the fact that i also have Other criteria. #my friend robin could hypothetically have interests to a weirder extent than me #but she doesnt struggle with friendships and conversations. it causes me severe distress with the way how i cant manage either #and its obvious on here too #the echolalia i have. the movements. the COUNTLESS fixations ive had since i was little (rubbing my mouth and humming whenever i heard #something uncomfortable so the vibrations would calm me down. always hating motorbikes. hating the sound of plates. bright lights.) #my teacher reporting i had poor motor skills but my parents going like chile anyways #and the way how ive always been embarrased throwing quote on quote tantrums at an age i wasnt supposed to anymore #which were basically meltdowns lol like its not nomal to feel like a danger to yourself when you're angry and want to punch mirrors when #ur makeup routine isnt going to plan #theres more but yewh hehshdhfjfj #just. i keep telling myself ok but Ash anyone can have this....YEAH BUT BITCH UR TICKING ALL THE BOXES! #also i made mistakes on saying fixation instead of stims and also listing my sensory issues #im just venting and 👍👍👍 yeah

[aheartfullofmilfs]

first day on adhd meds. it’s something

#it’s so…. quiet #not as quiet as i thought it would be ngl #but i did throw my trash straight to the bin #put my used clothes in the hamper when i decided to WITHOUT ANY STRUGGLE #i’ll do the dishes later but i’m deliberately putting it off bc i’m still working on something #and lying down feels ok (it’s wild bc i usually feel SO GOOD when i’m horizontal) #could be a placebo effect but who cares bc at least i’m getting shit done #also??? words feel flat?? like my eyes just glaze over the text instead of fixate on every word like speed bumps) #getting up has NEVER been this easy holy shit #i removed my scrunchie and got up from my bed to put it where it should fucking be #damn maybe i really do have adhd (still lowkey gaslighting myself bc it could have been a misdiagnosis who knows)

[tripably]

The way my own brain tries to sabotage my attempt at obtaining a healthier relationship with food is astonishingly irritating, mostly due to being so unbelievably illogical.

When my body started screaming about being ravenously hungry approximately two hours ago, my brain sent out an immediate, automated, unrepliable response along the lines of "No food necessary. You can't possibly be hungry, you've not even done anything today".

As if I haven't been up for, what, 11 hours, majority of which trying to internalize everything I possibly can regarding my new job, on just two cups of coffee and a small bowl of pasta. As if thinking and learning new things wouldn't require energy.

Or no, in fact, as if the task of having sustained the bodily functions of an actual real life person for the past 30 years including today couldn't possibly require more energy than whatever is in 100 grams of white pasta with trace amounts of feta cheese and olive oil, a couple of cherry tomatoes, and maybe a desilitre of oat milk.

As if I would somehow (how????) need to earn the right to, what, keep sustaining said bodily functions? In the eyes of whom, my own brain? Surely not that brain, the one that is in fact included in those bodily functions that apparently aren't significant enough to deserve to go on uninterrupted??

Like does this brilliant brain of mine seriously believe that starving myself is somehow an option that leads to a good outcome? Have we not seen enough logical proof against that? Have we not read enough articles about the ineffectiveness and dangers of diet culture?

And if reading about it really is not enough: have we not been doing that for the past 15 years with whatever is the the opposite of success? How fucking long do we have to keep repeating the same fucking behaviour before accepting the fact that it is not fucking working??????

#unspecified and undiagnosed eating disorders #unhealthy eating habits #under read more bc i know how triggering this topic can be and because i'm not sure how to tag this #but yeah it only took me half an hour or so to wake up to my very own gaslighting and now i'm waiting for my dinner to cook #i hate having to learn how to eat at 30 years old #against a brain that's hellbent on believing whatever bullshit it's internalized re obesity and health #apparently also against a brain that doesn't necessarily want us to stay alive? which i guess shouldn't feel so much like a surprise #with my history #anyway this is such a fucking boring thing to learn #i could be learning to play an instrument #or a new language #or to improve my literary analysis skills #or literally anything fun and interesting #but no #here i am trying to learn how to keep myself alive as if 30 years shouldn't be enough time to learn that #i guess i should focus on the fact that i did catch these thought processes though #instead of blaming myself for things i struggle with regardless of whether they are my own fault or not #and instead of comparing my struggles to those i see and don't see affecting other people #also it just now dawned on me that i've now spent two hours obsessing over the ways in which i struggle taking care of myself #in no productive way #bye gotta go decide what to do with the rest of my evening

[mysticdoodlez]

#my constant struggle #like am i part of the genderqueer community? #or am I just gaslighting myself

[mightstaywhoknows]

Some how manage to make myself a cup of hot tea with honey.

#and trying to make myself some soup #i'm bleeding and exhausted cus work and it has been raining for a fucking weel #gaslighting myself to think that everything is *fine* and i am *ok* #haha help #there is still so much work to do and i'm siting here struggling for 2 hours just to make myself eat something

[deadwolfpack]

Wow wow wow everything is so unbelievably bad I've almost been put in dormancy like 5 times this summer. I wanna kill myself so bad I'm so absolutely exhausted trying to find reasons to live. Idk, maybe I'll stick around for Em's wedding so at the very least she'll have some good memories of me and won't have to live knowing her dead friend was supposed to be at her wedding. I genuinely cannot see myself surviving this Christmas bc I am always so fucking alone and I always relapse and drink for 2 weeks straight and think abt pills the whole time

#confidential.talks #idk maybe its selfish #i should probably at the very least wait until my parents come back from holiday in december so at least the dogs taken care of properly #ik my partner is struggling a lot rn too and i dont blame them at all #but fuck im so tired of being thr strong one of the two of us #ive lost count of the amount of times ive broken down crying asking them what im doing wrong they dont talk to me anymore #idk idk rhis is selfish #at least they arent screaming at me and gaslighting me and using trauma holders and frags to sign away my life to them like my ex did #im just so so tired and it feels never ending #its not fair everyone gets to play happy families and im stuck in the house ive been abused in my entire life #ive lost count of the amount of times ive tried to kill myself in this room #i feel so selfish for wanting to die but i cant keep doing this back and forth

[dopepoisonivyoncrack]

I've got to a point where I'm thinking I need to do self-care, pet-care, house-care stuff like wash my hair, do my nails, clean the kitchen, cook myself a warm meal etc and spend a lot of time ranting in my head why I need to do them like I have to be ready at any time to defend myself why I had to do that and didn't wrote on my thesis, or do the raport. I'm anxiously defending my needs to rest and do anything other than write, it's extra tiring and crazy unhealthy. The worst part is that no matter what I'd say if it comes up, one of my supervisors would dismiss me like so many times in the past cuz they're worksholic and grinding themselves in the ground so any excuse of mine pale by comparison.

#i whine a lot so i'm gaslighted into thinking m just not trying hard enough #instead of considering that maybe MAYBE if I say m tired all the time its not normal #i didn't rested at all i didn't hav fun at all i just scream and cry and die each day unable to do the work #how is my struggle something I convinced myself of to justify procrastination #also most of my week goes working on something else #so instead of washing my hair i sit on the couch preparing a defense on my need to wash my hair #are u fuking kidding me #vent

[naes-dairy]

I think the thing that affected me the most as a kid (and considering that I'm still a kid.. I think this sounds bad) is the fact that my parents wouldn't believe me whenever I cried.

I have to think about this.. I don't really want to specify anything like who or why, but...

since they were 'crocodile tears' and I wasn't pouring my eyes out I was obviously faking it.

It just hurt me so much.. and still hurts.

I think it's the reason why I get so scared when someone thinks I'm lying when I'm telling the truth. Mainly a close person too.

I just feel... I don't know. It just hurts so much and j don't know how to make it stop.

What's worse is that my behaviour is just self destructive so I end up proving everyone else right... I wish I could just do better.

be better.

but now, that's just wishful thinking..

#low self esteem #self destructing #idk #i am also gaslighting myself so self gaslighting?? #just.. #i get scared and when i get scared i just stop working. i just run away from my fears and struggle to work on it because im scared of.. #im scared of failing over and over and over #im scared of never getting anything right #i dont want to be a failure #but i already know i am #i identify as a failure #lol #anyways yeah post about why I suck 😃👍 #does this count as trauma? #like childhood trauma or? #yay gaslighting mysef again.. #prolly over reacting or over exaggerating.. #yh. #i suck i guess #expresso the depresso #naes vent posts #ugh #what #what?

[pizzapizzadickz]

.

#diary #personal #lately i frequent find myself gaslighting myself just for funzies. #jokes aside. i just. think to myself im making a big deal out of nothing. or i dont rly experiance x symptoms. or im not autistic. #and maybe im not. maybe i just have symptoms disorder lmao. #idk. im sorta glad i dont push it too far. bc if i dont wear sunglasses it *hurts* if i dont wear headphones everywhere i cry #idk. im struggling litterally in every aspect of my life. but i just end up always telling myself the oposite while believing the truth #idk. im just stugglinv against that little voice saying you dont have it bad enough yet as per usual. #id rly like it to fuck off now tho. its been at least a month of this shit and im tired. im always tired. #so conclusion. i have symptoms disorder. all the symptoms of x disorder but its jusf symptoms disorder dontcha know

[rhinequeen]

.

#oh but you're still young #pls ignore #it really doesn't feel like muck of anything is worth it right now. why bother wgen everything is this much of a struggle and just trying #leaves md exhausted and in pain. and usually the effort doesn't even get me anywhere #there just one thing after another and nothing gets easier #i hate talking to therapists having to rehash decades of trauma every time I have to find a new one #plus my best friend is being turned against me by a gaslighting boyfriend that I can't do anything about #and ten years of friendship later I feel like it's all going to shit #my health is bad and not getting better #I'm exhausted all the time and can't even support myself #i have no choice but to mooch off my fiancee #and I love them. they support md more than I Qfeel like i deserve #but i feel helpless on my own #i just want one good night's sleep #one day where I don't feel like deflated ttash at the end #one night were i can just sleep and wake up feeling rested and okay #cause waking up every morning is a chore that isn't getting easier and i feel like I'm just spinning my wheels and hoping that something #else just does me in and saves me the trouble and mysery #cause god knows I can't do it myself #i can barely get up and walk to the store #whenever someone sees me using my crutches and says #i want to fucking kill them #i dont need a reminder that I'm not even the majority of the wau through my natural life #and the rest if what i have to look forward to is more of this #pain every day #no motivation to do thr things that used to make me happy and little ability to do those things #unless it's sitting at my computer all day #rotting and dying slowly but not getting any better #i take 2-3 hundred bucks of medication every month just for a body thats almost but not quite passing #and internals that are barely holding on and only getting worse when tyey do change