#i need to go the FUCK to sleep but tagging is a bitch

[lucienarcheron]

Spirit Meets the Bones - XVIII

Genre: Angst/Romance Warnings: Mentions of physical abuse.

shoutout always goes to @abruisedmuse for letting me ramble about my babies.

tagging: @climb-the-mountian @vanserrass @zenkindoflove @animezinglife @readthelastpaage @positivewitch @clockwork-ashes @carolynmezzosoprano @carnythian @runningwiththeoceans @readychilledwine @goldenmagnolias @thedarkinmansfield @mali22 @maidr-00 @electromagnetic-waves @devilsfoodcake22 @moonfawnx @weesablackbeak @ladywhilemia @alohaangels @moobell55 @bibliophiliaxvignette @easchies @feysandfeels @thelovelymadone @corcracrow @dawneternal @teddyhoneybear @sinnerrsworld @gracie-rosee @queenoftheworld1998

Find it all here.

Lucien stood across from his brother in the open field by his home, Elain’s garden a beautiful backdrop behind them as he waved his hands towards Eris. 

“Care to explain what the hell that was about?” Lucien asked, bewildered.

Eris only snarled and paced past his brother. He needed an outlet, not questions. He needed a moment because he was making a downright fool of himself.

“What is the matter with you?” Lucien demanded, brows raised high as Eris paused and glared at him.

“I need to hit something.” he spat and resumed his pacing as Lucien eyed him in confusion. 

“Excuse me?”

Eris paused his frantic pacing and then squinted at his brother. “You. Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes. I am your older brother, you are obligated to listen to me.”

“The only thing I am obligated to do is mildly tolerate you.” Lucien replied with a snort. “Which I’m barely doing as it is. I am not going to be your punching bag because you won’t deal with whatever it is you’re feeling.”

Eris narrowed his eyes, hands twitching at his sides. Never mind there was dried blood on one. The hand that Iris had wanted — he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. 

Fucking ridiculous.

“Fine.” Eris said and squared his shoulders. “I will allow you to punch me first so then I can hit you after.”

Lucien rolled his eyes. “No. Elain said no fighting before you came. I know you’re used to your wife being mad at you but I can’t sleep if Elain’s upset with me.”

Eris immediately tensed. “Don’t talk about my wife.”

Lucien blinked then slowly grinned. “Oh.” he said. “I see.”

“See what?” Eris snapped.

Lucien’s grin widened and he rubbed his hands together. “Gods, I’ve been waiting for this moment.” he cackled. “You’re being such a little bitch right now, I knew this would happen.”

Eris growled then slid a hand down his face before his hands clenched into fists. “Oh fuck right off, alright?” he snarled. “Don’t say a word.”

“A word about what? Your wife?”

“Lucien.” he snarled in warning. 

“All I said were the words ‘your wife’. I haven’t actually said anything about Iris.” Lucien said calmly, watching his brother and mustering the most innocent of expressions. 

“Lucien.”

Lucien’s lips twitched and he held up his hands as he waited silently. 

After a few tense moments, Eris finally mumbled, “We had a moment.” 

“Did you now?” Lucien asked in an amused tone that Eris did not appreciate.

“We had a moment and —,”  he grumbled quietly then sighed and ran a hand through his hair once more. “We would’ve had another moment if you hadn’t interrupted — we had a moment and — and things happened.”

Lucien blinked and slowly put a hand on Eris’ shoulder with a look that had Eris immediately regretting ever opening his mouth.

“Brother dearest,” Lucien began in a sympathetic tone that was as fake as it gets. “Has it been so long since you’ve had an erection that you forgot what it feels like?”

Eris snarled and finally swung at his brother but Lucien ducked with a laugh. 

“Alright, alright, I’m sorry.” he said and Eris settled for shoving him with a glare then resumed his pacing. “This is serious then.”

“This is very serious.”

“I see.” Lucien said and held out his hands again. “I’m sorry. I won’t make fun. Talk to me.”

Eris scowled, warily watching his brother then resumed his silent pacing.

After a few moments, Lucien sighed. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what the issue is, Eris.”

It took Eris a few more moments of silent pacing before he finally ran his fingers through his hair again, took a deep breath then sighed. “Aside from my erection,” he said with a glare at his brother. “It — something — it has never felt like that before.”

Lucien nodded knowingly. “That’s because you like her.” 

“I have liked other females!”

“Yes, but as we’ve said before, you like her and she’s your wife. It’s different.”

Eris rolled his eyes up to the sky and then huffed, pacing once more. Lucien had no idea just how different this was. 

But did he tell Lucien? He hadn’t discussed it with Iris yet —  he wasn’t even sure if she knew.  Had she picked up on it or was this another thing he was shoving at her? She’d already been forced to marry him. How would she take it if she knew he was her mate? Knowing how he was. Who he was. He had told her once that he wouldn’t shackle her to him if she wanted out but…would he still be able to let her go if that was what she truly wanted? When she was his and he was hers in a way that trumped everything else? 

He glanced at Lucien who stood with his arms crossed, calmly watching him. Though Eris was annoyed by the mild amusement on his brother’s face, it gave him pause. If there was anyone who had been hit on the head with a mate, it had been his brother. Lucien would understand.

Eris grimaced, letting it fall silent for a few minutes as Lucien watched him. When he finally opened his mouth to speak, the sound of laughter stopped him and the brothers turned to glance at their wives strolling towards the garden. He watched as Iris walked with Elain, smiling, and he had a very strong urge to stab himself.  

“In all honesty, I never thought this would happen.” he finally said, turning back to Lucien with a frown. “I never thought anyone would be…enough to be what she is to me right now.”

Lucien shook his head with a snort. “You are so fucken full of yourself.” he replied and pointed. “Iris is a much nicer person than you are.”

Eris snorted. “You say that but you haven’t heard the way she threatens me.”

“Do you deserve those threats?”

Eris pursed his lips, trying not to think of the strangest sense of delight he felt whenever she did point a blade at him. “Not always.”

Lucien gave him a knowing look. “You definitely deserved them,” he confirmed, then shook his head. “Despite this arrogant and very stupid belief of yours, you aren’t above everyone else, Eris.”

“That’s not — I meant that I would be enough to have something like this happen.” he seethed and Lucien quirked a brow. 

“Marriage was bound to happen,” Lucien replied mildly. “You knew this was coming at some point.”

“Okay, but I didn’t ask for this.” Eris hissed, pointing towards the gardens where his — his whatever walked. “Do you know how much harder this will make everything? How much worse?”

This seemed to finally get Lucien to sober up, his expression turning serious. “What do you mean?”

And it was as Eris stared at Lucien, the weight of his discovery today fell on him like a ton of bricks and his expression fell. 

If his father found out…she lived inside the court with him. In very close proximity to the High Lord. Eris swallowed. Their situation was far from ideal and it was taking everything in him to make it work. To keep it easy. To keep Iris safe. His father would wield the mating bond against him in ways Eris couldn’t even begin to imagine. It could go very badly.

“Eris?”

Eris glanced at his brother and slowly moved, until he stood directly in front of him, his expression lethally calm.

“I need to know what I tell you will not be told to a soul. Elain is the only exception and only when I give you permission.” he commanded and Lucien’s brows furrowed. 

“Okay.”

“No one, Lucien.”

“You have my word.”

Eris swallowed and assessed his brother. He never would’ve dreamed of this moment. 

“If I ever need to send Iris to you, tell me she would be safe here.” he said quietly. “Promise me that she will not be in harm's way.”

Lucien tilted his head, turning to briefly glance towards the gardens once more, where Elain and Iris were whispering together, giggling at something they couldn’t hear. “Your wife will always have a place here, Eris. Why?” he asked and Eris licked his lips, bracing himself to say the words that hadn’t left his mouth yet.

His head turned, finding Iris seated among the flowers. It took him a moment but finally, after a breath, he whispered, “She’s...my mate.” 

Eris felt Lucien stiffen and turned to find his brother blinking rapidly. A beat of silence passed then his brother spoke.

“Fuck.”

“I know.”

“Holy shit.”

“I know.”

“That...shit.”

“You’re only verbalizing what’s been going on in my head since I found out.” Eris said and watched Lucien’s expression shift from shock to amusement.

“When did you find out?”

“Five minutes before you ungraciously interrupted us.”

Lucien went silent for a few moments as Eris stood tensely across from him, then shook his head and huffed out a laugh. “Wait — wait. I’m sorry.” he began then let out another laugh. “You.”

Eris immediately scowled. “Yes?”

“You — you, who had refused to marry for so long.” Lucien started and Eris’s scowl deepened. 

“And?”

“You literally threw a tantrum when fa — your father told you to get married.”

Eris rolled his eyes. “I didn’t throw a tantrum.” he grumbled and Lucien let out another laugh.

“You sat in my kitchen and blacked out from drinking.”

Eris waved a hand with a growl. “Your point?”

“Mister ‘I don’t want a wife, no female is good enough for me’,” Lucien continued with a grin. “You, who won’t even admit to liking his dogs enough —”

“— I don’t see the point of what you’re saying —”

Lucien gave his brother an incredulous look that Eris did not appreciate. “Do you realize how emotionally constipated you are? How emotionally constipated you’ve always been?” Lucien said and finally, let out a loud laugh. “Oh gods. This is amazing.”

“Shut the fuck up.” Eris snarled. “This is serious.”

“Oh my gods. You have so many feelings you don’t even know what to do with yourself.” Lucien went on with a cackle. “You barely had it together when she was just your wife!”

“I know!” Eris snapped and waved a hand. “Do you see my problem now?!”

“Oh…oh I see.” Lucien said and at the murderous look in Eris’s eyes, said nothing else, his lips only twitching. 

Eris said nothing as well, seething at Lucien’s reaction.

“This is not funny.” he said forcefully. “I am constantly thinking about throwing myself off the highest building. Now I definitely want to.”

“Oh, I bet.” Lucien replied with a wide grin. “This is fucken hilarious. She touched your thigh and you broke a glass. It’s all over my floor.”

“Lucien.” Eris snarled and Lucien finally held his hands up, clearing his throat.

“Right. I’m sorry.” his brother said. “I had to get that out of my system.”

Eris only glared at him and watched Lucien’s lips twitch again. 

“You’re the fucken worst.” Eris finally mumbled and Lucien let out a low chuckle.

“Yet, you told me first.” he replied smugly and Eris rolled his eyes. “Besides, this calmed you down without resorting to violence.”

Eris blinked. This asshole.

“Violence is still very much on the table.” Eris grumbled and hated to admit that maybe, just maybe, Lucien was right. He was somewhat…less on edge. Maybe. Slightly. 

The corner of Lucien’s mouth ticked up. “Overwhelming, isn’t it?”

“I want to kill myself.” 

“You’re so dramatic, dear gods.” his brother said and Eris scowled when Lucien shoved his shoulder gently. “Listen closely — pay attention to what I’m going to say to you.”

Eris grimaced as Lucien placed both hands on his shoulders and met his gaze. “I’m uncomfortable.”

“I said listen and shut the fuck up.”

“That is rude.”

“You love the sound of your own voice and I personally hate it.”

“Fuck you.”

“Thank you.” Lucien said and patted Eris’s shoulder aggressively. “Now listen. This is a good thing.”

“No, it’s not.” Eris said immediately. “This is terrible. I already care too much. This is so much worse.” 

“It is not. Iris is good for you and you are good for her.”  Lucien said calmly. “I’ve watched how you’ve changed since she came into your life. You had no joy until she showed up and it’s made a difference in you.”

“I also have a lot more stress.” he muttered and Lucien chuckled.

“That’s because you’re an idiot.” Lucien said and Eris resisted the urge to flip him off as he continued. “You’ve needed something real like this for as long as I’ve known you and this is as real as it gets.”

“But —”

“She challenges you and settles you all at once.” his brother said and Eris swallowed. “She is your person and she is real. This is real.”

Eris grimaced again and looked away from his brother towards the garden again, where his wife — his mate was. “My father will make this so much worse.”

Lucien stepped back and gave Eris a look. “Are you going to let him?” he asked and Eris snapped his gaze to his brother, hot anger flaring in his chest and before he could control himself, his fire erupted around him, every part of him aflame. 

“I will kill him if he so much as looks at her wrong.” his words were guttural, so angry he could barely get them out. “I will skin him alive. I will make up for everything he has ever done to me and mother if he so much as —”

Lucien held up a hand with a small smile. “Exactly. So calm down.” he said gently. “She’s safe with you.” 

Eris blinked, the fire around him dampening and he let out a breath, running a hand through his hair as flame licked his skin. He shook his head and began his pacing once more. “Is that enough? I don’t — I won’t put anything past him if he finds out. I’ve seen what he does to people. I know what he does.”

“Then he doesn’t find out.” Lucien said firmly. “I assume your other brothers have had zero interaction with her?”

Eris waved a hand. “They have asked but I haven’t allowed it. You know how they are. They stay out of my way until needed.” he said. “But father…”

Lucien nodded then shrugged. “What is going to give it away? Your scents? You’re married, no one will think twice.”

“He already knows I like her too much.” 

“You’re good at pretending. So is Iris from what you’ve told me.” Lucien said and gave him a pointed look. “Keep pretending until you don’t have to.”

Eris nodded slowly even though this type of pretending would be excruciatingly different from anything else he had to do before. He ran his tongue over his teeth and took a deep breath, his fire disappearing. He hesitated for a heartbeat then said, “She doesn’t know.”

Lucien froze, his eyes widening. “What?”

Eris swallowed then shook his head. “I don’t think she knows. I — we — I haven’t asked her yet.” 

Lucien shook his head, shoving Eris away from him, and pointed sternly. “You shouldn’t have told me until you told her.”

“You pulled me aside and asked me what was wrong.” Eris snarled. “This — this is what’s wrong.”

Lucien’s lips thinned. “Eris —”

“I don’t know what to do or — or how to behave.” he swore. “I didn’t ask for this and she sure as shit didn’t either.”

“That’s the funny thing about mates…neither of you really ask for it.” Lucien said gently and Eris groaned.

“And what if she doesn’t want this?” Eris asked, trying and failing to hide the hint of desperation in his tone. What if she doesn’t want me that way?  “What then?”

Lucien’s expression softened and he nudged Eris. “I think you’ll find that being married helps ease that concern,” he said calmly. “You’ve managed to figure things out so far. You just need to tell her and go from there.”

Eris grunted and shook his head. “This is more than she bargained for. She’s barely begun to like me.”

Lucien rolled his eyes. “From my perspective, a person who has only seen you two interact with each other for a few hours, I don’t think you should be as concerned as you are right now,” he said. “Just talk to her. And tell her you told me.”

Telling her would be fine. He would tell her. Of course, he would. But…they couldn’t — shouldn’t tell anyone else.

It would be fine. This was just an overwhelming moment. It would be fine.

He sighed and for once, just this once, let his true feelings spill from his lips. “I’m so fucken tired of pretending.” He rubbed his face and said through gritted teeth. “I can’t — I can’t even be happy about this. All I am is stressed. I’m exhausted.”

Lucien’s mouth tightened into a thin line. “I know.” he said quietly.

He shook his head and let it fall back, his gaze at the open sky. “I’ve been on the edge for so long.” he said quietly. “Her father came for a visit today and I beat the living shit out of him. I would’ve killed him had Iris not stopped me.”

“Did he deserve it?” Lucien asked and Eris glanced at his brother, at the hard gaze full of understanding. Eris didn’t have to explain what kind of creature Iris’s father was. 

“More than.” he replied. “But I haven’t lost control in so long…I suppose it makes sense given what I know now.”

“Do you think your father will have a problem with it?” 

Eris shrugged. “We’ll have to see when I get back, won’t we.”

“Eris…” Lucien started but Eris shook his head and it fell silent between them.

He closed his eyes and thought of anything but his father. He thought of his mother finding her spark again. He thought of his hounds. He thought of the brother standing next to him and his sister-in-law who cared for him. Most importantly, he thought of his wife and the way she trusted him. How she smiled for him and what that smile did to him. 

Even if he didn’t deserve an ounce of happiness, he was allowed a moment. A day to be happy with his wife. To guard his little secret as close to his shredded heart as much as he could.

“I won’t let him find out.” He swore quietly, straightening.

“No, you won’t.”

Eris licked his lips, his gaze falling back to the house. “And if he does?”

“Then maybe it’s time the Autumn Court finally gets a new high lord.” Lucien said simply, his gaze hardening. “It’s been long overdue.”

Eris gazed at his brother carefully. “That is easier said than done.” he said then looked away, with a shake of his head. “Besides, you know that move is not mine.”

Lucien shrugged. “When the time comes, it doesn’t matter who makes the move. It matters that it’s done. You owe him a taste.”

Eris closed his eyes, trying not to let the image of his sword lodged in his father’s throat linger for too long. After a quiet moment, he asked, “Until then?” 

“My home will always be a safe space for Iris and you.” Lucien said gently. “You know Beron would never dare come here.”

Eris swallowed and nodded again. It would be fine. It wouldn’t need to come to this but a plan never hurts.

Lucien gave Eris one more look then turned to face his home, his eyes on the distant figures of his wife and sister-in-law. “Things will be fine.” his brother said calmly. “You have me. I’m here.”

“Albeit unwillingly?” Eris said, the corner of his mouth lifting, and Lucien chuckled.

“Obviously. I can’t stand you.” 

Eris rolled his eyes and turned his gaze to where Lucien looked. They were too far to see clearly but Eris…he felt Iris. He felt a tug of joy at his ribcage. Something that would certainly take getting used to.

Then again he had always felt that pull towards her. Now, he knew what it meant. 

Lucien slid his hands in his pockets with a small smile and said, “Elain says your wife is amazing and she’ll rip your throat out if you upset her.”

Eris snorted. “She’ll rip my throat out herself, no worries.” 

“She also said we should come back.” Lucien added and spared Eris one more knowing glance. “Will you be able to handle yourself or should I expect more shattered glass on my floor?”

Eris shot his brother a dirty look and refused to feel embarrassed. He would not flush. “Fuck off.”

Lucien only chuckled. 

~

Iris looked up as she sensed Eris approaching. Her gaze had found him constantly as she and Elain explored outside; like a thread being pulled. She couldn’t help herself. She almost felt guilty about it but then she noted the anger radiating off him. The way his fire had erupted around him again and it made her nervous. She wasn’t sure if she was the cause. 

She wasn’t sure exactly how to feel at the moment. Excited? Overwhelmed? Nervous? Today had certainly been a lot but — but he seemed fine before they came here. She pursed her lips and then let her gaze fall back to the sweet little bunny in her lap that had twitched when her petting had stopped. She gave it a small smile, hugging it closer to her, and looked up once more to watch him walk closer.

Iris teased him with Lucien and while Lucien was handsome in his own right, Eris…she absolutely hated how embarrassed she felt to even admit it to herself but my, oh my, did Eris look handsome beneath the bright sunlight. Her husband’s stupid confidence alone made her want to — 

“You are staring awfully hard.”

Iris blinked, her focus still on Eris, her gaze sliding down to his hand where the simple gold ring glinted there. She had never given any mind to their wedding bands. Only really wore her own gold band because that was what they were supposed to do but — but the weight of it definitely felt different on her finger now.

“Hm?” she finally replied, tilting her head towards Elain with her eyes still on her husband. 

Elain’s giggle filled the open space as her sister-in-law said, “I daresay, I hope the two of you wait until Lucien and I are inside at least.”

Iris blinked again, hearing what Elain said, and flushed deeply. “I beg your pardon?”

“The grass can add a nice touch to the sensation.”

Iris whirled to glance at her sister-in-law in shock, which only made Elain laugh.

“I’m teasing!”

“Sure sounds like you’re speaking from experience.” Iris muttered and tried not to think about what laying in an open field with Eris would feel like. She didn’t need the image of his body over hers, touching her in ways she hadn’t been touched before. She didn’t need to think about his wretched mouth and how it would feel all over her skin. Iris wondered how it would feel to have him on his back and do all the things she’d only heard about through whispers. Her body heated as she tried very hard not to think about it. Eris would be so smug about it if he found out.

She squinted at the sly smile that bloomed on Elain’s face.

“Indeed.” Elain replied and was silent for a moment before that sly smile turned into a grin and Iris already knew whatever she said would be something she wasn’t ready for. “Did you ever hear the saying that not only do the Autumn Court males have fire in their blood but, they —” Elain lowered her voice and choked out with a giggle, “fuck — like it too?”

“No.” Iris choked out, flushing from head to toe. This conversation had taken a turn she was not prepared for. She did not want to start thinking about Eris and what fucking him would be like. She did not want to think about that at all. “Where did you even hear such a thing?”

“My sister Feyre mentioned it once.” Elain said, feeding her little bunny then met Iris’s gaze with a grin, even while blushing. “I’ve tested that theory. It is very true.”

Iris shot up, clutching the bunny in her arms tighter, her face heated. “Elain.” 

Her sister-in-law only laughed harder and Iris wanted to throttle her. It took Elain a good minute to stop laughing at Iris’s expression when she finally said, “I never used to be like this. I was too proper of a lady to ever bring up such subjects.”

“Clearly something traumatic happened.” Iris said dryly. 

“Oh yes,” she replied with a smile. “I met Lucien.”

“Traumatic indeed.”

“What’s traumatic?” Lucien asked as the brothers finally stopped before them. 

“Meeting you.” Elain replied brightly and Lucien blinked then rolled his eyes.

“Ah, yes. So traumatic for you.” he said dully, waving an arm to their beautiful surroundings as both girls laughed.

“Can’t say the day I met your brother wasn’t also traumatic.” Iris said, shooting her husband a look, her stupid heart skipping a beat when he met her gaze.

“Funny you should say that when I was the one who had a chair thrown at him.” Eris said with a snort, his eyes locked on her and Iris could feel the way he cataloged every inch of her.

Iris rolled her eyes, her cheeks blushing lightly, and looked at Elain. “He’s never going to let that go.”

“Threatened with my own dagger.” Eris continued conversationally.

“It slipped into my hand honestly.” she said with a shrug and a look full of innocence to Lucien who grinned.

“Something about these Autumn Court boys.” Elain added, gesturing towards the brothers and glancing at Iris. “It screams emotional instability.” 

“I personally feel like we should be financially compensated for these unions.” Iris teased and Eris narrowed his gaze on her.

“Wife.”

She couldn’t help laughing again at his indignant tone. “Husband?”

He rolled his eyes but Iris didn’t miss the way the corner of his mouth lifted slightly. Her eyes flickered down to the bunny still in her hands then back up to him before casually taking a step toward him as Eris took a step towards her but Lucien cleared his throat, and they both froze in place.

“Elain, my love?” Lucien said, his lips twitching as he looked at his wife and he held out his arm. “We should get the table ready, no?”

Elain blinked then jumped right up, taking her husband’s arm. “Oh, yes. We definitely should,” she said quickly then grinned at Eris and Iris. “We don’t want you two to starve!”

“Oh.” Iris said, glancing once at Eris — she couldn’t help it really — before turning to smile at Elain. “Let me help you.”

“No!” Their hosts replied quickly and Iris blinked.

“That’s what I’m here for.” Lucien said with a charming smile he directed at Elain, who preened at his attention and then glanced back at Iris. “Please, enjoy the gardens for a little longer.” 

“We’ll let you know when it’s ready!” Elain called and promptly dragged Lucien inside, her giggle barely contained. 

Iris flushed and tried not to laugh at the way the two scrambled inside. A chuckle escaped nonetheless. “Your brother and his wife aren’t known for being subtle, are they?” she said and turned to finally face him once more.

“Not when it comes to me, at least.” Eris grumbled but it was with no heat as he let his gaze flicker to his wife. 

Iris seemed to hesitate, gauging the distance between them, and after a breath of silence, she lowered herself to release the bunny from her arms and then stood slowly. She slid over to Eris’s side and hovered close enough without touching.

“Are you alright? I saw fire.” she asked quietly. “I — I wanted to check on you but Elain said you would be fine talking to Lucien.” 

He nodded with a small smile. “I’m alright.” he said, rubbing the tip of his ear. “Are you – are you alright?”

Iris chuckled, shifting on her feet. “I’m fine. I was spending time with the bunnies.” she said, gesturing to the small animals around them.

“I can see that.” Eris said and Iris felt her cheeks heat under the weight of his gaze. The world had suddenly shifted into a pleasant quietness and she couldn’t seem to find the right words to say.  

Iris only had eyes for her husband and Eris only had eyes for her.

After another beat of silence, she curled a strand of hair behind her ear and said, “Did — did you and Lucien enjoy your chat?”

“Surprisingly, we didn’t punch each other.” he replied with a small smile. “But I really wanted to.”

Iris rolled her eyes. “You love him so much.”

“Incorrect.”

“So much.”

“That is an extremely inaccurate statement.”

Iris shot him a look that had his lips twitching but she only shook her head again and glanced at him, at the few inches between them. It wasn’t — she wasn’t feeling awkward. She suddenly and annoyingly felt shy. She let it fall silent for another moment then held out her hand. “Let me see your hand.” she asked softly, the need to touch him nearly knocking the wind out of her.

“It already healed.” he mumbled but still, placed his hand in hers. “I’m fine. I just — needed a moment.”

Iris inspected his hand quietly and Eris tried not to listen to how rapidly her heart was beating. He watched her face as she ran her thumb across his palm and willed himself not to shudder. 

“It’s healed fine but you need to get it cleaned up.” she said softly and glanced up at him as he peered down at her and stepped closer. “That’s the second time you’ve hurt your hands today.”

“A typical day in the life.” he said and Iris gave him a pointed look.

“You had me worried about you when you stormed out.”

He gave her another small smile. “Someone might think you actually like me with the way you’re worried about me.”

Her lips twitched. “I barely tolerate you.”

“Why, thank you, wife. I barely tolerate you as well.”

They shared another glance and Eris couldn’t help himself as he gazed at her beautiful face with the shy smile, at her bright hazel eyes — couldn’t help himself because he had to, simply had to kiss her. His gaze flickered from her eyes to her lips then back to her eyes again.

Licking his lips, he started to say, “I need to —”

Without waiting for him to finish, Iris cut him off with a whisper of “Yes.” 

She reached for him as he reached for her and Eris wrapped his arms around her waist. Iris fell into his embrace, his lips meeting hers as he pulled her firmly into him.

He kissed her and poured every emotion that vibrated through his body into her, delight flaring in him as Iris sank into him with a little whimper, her hands wrapping around him. Eris teased her with a gentle bite to her bottom lip and when she opened for him, his tongue dived in for a taste of her. He kissed and caressed and savored her mouth with his, willing himself not to tremble. Only when he felt her melt into him completely did Eris release her with a groan, resting his face on her shoulder.

Iris shuddered in his arms, a hand hesitantly sliding up his back. “Eris.” she whispered in his ear. “Terrible timing.”

“The absolute worst.” he agreed with a mumble, then lifted his head to bring his mouth against hers again, seizing her lips once more. 

Iris let him, fighting back a smile and failing, chuckling against his lips as he tasted her. The chuckle quickly turned into another whimper as he kissed her hard, her heart fluttering wildly and nothing could really prepare her for how badly she needed to have Eris near her, the one person she had never planned to even acknowledge. 

When Eris finally pulled back again, simply to glance at her, she let a moment of silence pass between them, watching the blaze in his eyes, and she couldn’t stop herself from leaning up and gently pecking his lips in return. She kissed him once, then twice, then a third time, sensing his growing delight.

“Well. Thank you, wife.” he said, the corner of his mouth lifting into a smirk when she flushed, even with the rapid beating in his chest. “I’m glad you’re enjoying what I have to offer.”

Iris shifted against him, her hands now smoothing his tunic and she avoided his eyes. “It’s barely anything. Don’t be too flattered.”

He chuckled then took a breath and stepped back, holding out a hand and Iris didn’t hesitate to intertwine her fingers with his, meeting his eyes once more. 

“Earlier…” she began slowly. “I thought you were upset with me. With the way you reacted.”

Eris grimaced. “It’s not — you did nothing wrong.” he said quickly. “I needed a moment.”

“Because I kissed you?” she asked, tilting her head to glance at him. “I didn’t realize I was that powerful.”

A weak laugh escaped Eris as he met her gaze. She doesn’t know. I had my whole world turned upside down and she has no idea.

His thumb gently caressed the back of her hand and Eris let a heartbeat pass before he gave her a tight smile. “Who is the one that’s too flattered now?”

Iris narrowed her eyes at him and he lifted a brow in return. “Something is wrong.” she said. “What is it?”

Eris only watched her face. How exactly was he supposed to tell her that something he never thought would happen to him had shifted the world beneath his feet? That she, the wife he had never thought would be more than a task he checked off, had weaved her way into his life, a life he hated almost everything about except for the moments he had started spending with her? That she, his Iris, was going to be the single most wonderful yet stress-inducing thing in his life.

All the panic that Lucien had walked him through was slowly creeping up his spine again. 

“Nothing.” he finally said quietly.  “Are you…feeling alright? Is there anything bothering you from earlier?”

Iris pursed her lips, her gaze dropping to their joined hands, and was silent for a moment. There was something he wasn’t telling her but she knew better than to push and thought about his question instead.

A lot had happened today. Too much, in fact. But…anything that happened before their kiss had faded from her mind. Eris and his rather heated kisses, what that meant for them now that they — they became a little more physical, was what remained on her mind. What she had told him before they came about her wanting to be more than friends and what that would mean. And that was a lot. 

But as she watched his thumb gently caress her hand… Iris knew it would be alright. Maybe she should’ve been more concerned but for all her initial worries about Eris, for all her doubts, today had only solidified what had been building inside her for some time. Everything that Eris was and what she thought he would be, came down to one thought and one thought only — that she wasn’t alone in this. It made all the difference. 

She bit the corner of her mouth then looked up and said, “I feel a little overwhelmed but I’m — I’m not worried. More…nervous? But not in a…bad way.” she admitted slowly. “...You?”

Eris hummed softly and held out his other hand so that both her hands rested in his. He liked holding her hands far more than he’d care to admit. 

“I’m…fine.” he said dryly and Iris’s lips twitched when his own cheeks heated. “I think you could probably tell I was feeling a tad overwhelmed.”

“Because my kiss knocked you out of this world?” she teased gently. “Guess all that practice came in handy.”

His grip tightened on her hands and said through clenched teeth, “Don’t — don’t bring that up right now.”

Iris’s brow rose in amusement and she fought back a smile. “Wow, you really are sensitive today.”

“Wife.”

He narrowed his eyes at her but Iris only smiled innocently and Eris rolled his eyes.

Clearing his throat, he let it fall silent for a moment before he continued, “But I am…nervous as well. I don’t…know how to be this person. I don’t know how to do this.”

Iris shrugged, her heart swelling at his confession. “Neither do I.” she said and squeezed his hands. “You said that when we first agreed to be friends too but I think we’re doing pretty okay.”

“Aside from you throwing a chair at me and trying to stab me a few times.” 

“You’re really never going to let that go, are you?”

“Never.” he said and smirked. “It makes me very aroused to think about.” 

Iris rolled her eyes and the corner of Eris’s lips lifted when she mumbled, “You’re very annoying.”

“Annoying I may be but…” he started and the air between them shifted as he gazed at her intently. “I am your husband who is also your friend. That you want to be a bit more than that with.”

He felt her grip tighten on his hands and she glanced down at their joined hands then back up at him. “Yes…I did say that.”

Eris let it fall silent as he looked at her, a whirlwind of emotion coursing through him. He tried to settle on one, be it panic, fear, joy, but in the end, he let them all mingle, focusing only on her. She had no idea he was going to be so much more than that. He would — well, he would be whatever the hell she wanted him to be. 

“We should — need to discuss what that means —” he started, his gaze flickering to the space around them. “More privately once we get home.” he finished and Iris tilted her head.

“Alright.” she said with furrowed brows then teased, “Are you afraid the bunnies will spread rumors about you having feelings?”

Eris snorted. “No. But Lucien and Elain are watching us from their kitchen window and they are very nosy.” he said and Iris turned her head to find said couple quickly ducking out of view.

She laughed softly as her cheeks heated. “I hope you know that this visit has been nothing short of mortifying.” 

“I nearly always want to assassinate myself after visiting them.”

“Because they tease you?” 

“Because they know me too well at this point.” he replied with a chuckle. 

“They really do.” she agreed and flushed. “It’s…been something, alright.”

Eris fought against the cascading of emotions brewing in him, fought against the smile as she gazed at him. Before he could stop himself, he let a finger brush against her colored cheeks. 

“I like seeing you blush.” he murmured softly and Iris fought back her own smile, glancing down with a shake of her head. “It makes me wonder what you’re thinking about.”

“I’m just thinking about…things.”

“What things, wife?”

Iris’s lips twitched as she looked up at him and shot him a knowing look. “Things.” she only said. 

The conversation with Elain had been…enlightening to say the least. Iris never had a doubt that Eris held up his reputation quite seriously to others so she wasn’t too surprised to know he was either strongly disliked or slightly feared. How much of a harlot he was shouldn’t have taken her by surprise either and it took every ounce of logical reasoning not to be irrationally jealous of Nesta Archeron, who was already mated to someone else and wanted nothing to do with him.

But it had warmed her heart just how much Elain and Lucien actually loved him. Knowing how much Eris loved them…it made her want to be worthy of their love too.  

The smile dropped from his face and he narrowed his eyes in suspicion. “What exactly have you heard?” Eris asked and Iris laughed.

“Oh you know, things.” she said airily then smirked when Eris scowled. “We can discuss those later.”

“But —”

“Do you hear that? Elain calling.” Iris said and patted him on the chest. “We should go and be helpful guests.”

“Iris.” he started but she only gave a smile, pulling away.

“Surely you hear Lucien calling. He misses his big brother.”

Eris’s scowl deepened. “Wife.” 

“Don’t make me accidentally skewer you with a fork, Eris.” she said sweetly, skipping away further when her husband snorted. “All it takes is a slip of the hand.”

“Threaten me with a good time all you want, I will find out what you’ve heard.” 

“I’m simply trying to romance you, husband.” she said, pausing on the threshold of the back door to Elain and Lucien’s home. “Play nice, we’re still guests here.”

“I’m floored by your romance techniques.” he said dryly and waved a hand. “And we’re not guests here. Elain says this is my home too.”

“Elain, not Lucien?” she asked with a laugh and Eris shrugged.

“I think he’s still upset Elain likes me more than she likes him.”

Iris laughed again, the sound bringing a small smile to his own face. Her laugh made his wretched heart swell and ache all in one. Her laugh reminded him that things would be fine. She was his mate. He only had to tell her and it would be fine. They would be fine.

He watched her walk into his brother’s home with a shake of her head and knew in his bones that whatever came next, whatever they faced after this, Eris would do anything — become anything — to keep her laughing. 

#eris vanserra #eris x oc #eris vanserra x oc #eris vanserra fanfic #elucien #acotar fanfiction #gfics #smtb chapters #thank you for reading :)

[brisquad-unit-4402]

luxiem as bad sex

don’t worry about it this is mostly for the lolz. might fuck around and do this for other livers next time i feel restless. make sure to properly communicate with your partner

tags: gender neutral reader, established relationship, smut, humor/crack, chatfic in shu’s entry, public sex, uki violeta cameo, cheating/ntr mention, just imagine the baldur’s gate 3 scene with the luxiem guy of your choice you know what i’m talking about

⚠️ nsfw under the cut. content not intended for minors.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

🖋 Ike Eveland: anatomy

there is a chance that, when you sleep with ike, despite his title, it’s his first time.

25% chance says that he fully does not know what he’s doing, and asks you for a full-blown tutorial on how to stick part a into part b.

25% chance says that he fully does not know what he’s doing but he doesn’t even admit to it. it’s a lot of trial and error and insistence that no, don’t worry, i got this when he very clearly does not.

25% chance that, for the first time in his life, eroge has come in clutch. he understands! kind of. it’s more like as he penetrates you he tries to compare your sounds to the moans of eroge characters. the more you sound like a hentai protagonist the better. it’s also worth noting he pumps into you to the beat of a huniepop song that worked its way into his head while he was trying to figure out what’s a good or bad sound.

and finally 25% chance that it’s just fine.

but let it be known that he 100% does not know how to find the clit. barely knows how to find the prostate either. ike won’t admit to either of these things

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

🦁 Luca Kaneshiro: openness

never let it be said luca is solitary. he’s social and likes to explore different spaces. it means dates happen often, and so does getting dragged off to give him head in public.

this would be fine if it was a bathroom stall. you know, the standard couple spots. what you didn’t expect was in a fairly open alley. or an amusement park ride with automatic souvenir pictures. or on the shady side of a beach full of people.

hell, even when you get into a changing room while shopping there’s still a risk. he’s gotten you to jack him off while wearing not-yet-purchased jeans more than once and as exciting as it was you have no clue what happened to the poor retail workers that had to find them hanging on the return-to-hanger rack.

at home he leaves doors open since it’s just the two of you, including when he goes down on you. he leaves them open when there’s guests, too, and guides you into your bedroom when he needs a break from talking to people. the doors are still open. you’re a master at being quiet but sometimes his puppy wanders around looking for his owner, and…

(side note: not about sex but i just know he would leave the door open or walk in on you using the bathroom and that terrifies me)

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

👟 Shu Yamino: attentiveness

Me: hey

Me: hey

Me: are you awake??

taro_twink: abt to sleep

taro_twink: what do you want shu

Me: idk c:

taro_twink: so you blew up my phone??? bitch??

Me: fjakajsjsldj i wanted to talk to my friend!

taro_twink: wish granted

taro_twink: wyd?

Me: reader

taro_twink: don’t text on a date

Me: we’re at home

taro_twink: go spend time with reader then ffs

Me: i am

Me: reader feels really nice c:

taro_twink: wait

Me: and i like making reader say my name too

taro_twink: SHSKDKLSJA

taro_twink: WHAT FHE FUXK

taro_twink: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TEXTINF ME RIFHT NOW

taro_twink: SHU YAMINO WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU

Me: dw reader hasn’t noticed my phone yet

taro_twink: THIS ISNT ABOUT READER ITS ABOUT ME

Me: my phone is by the pillow so it’s hard to see

taro_twink: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TEXTING WHILE SCREWING SOMEONE????????????

Me: yea :homiekiss:

taro_twink: you are fucked up and i’m going to bed

taro_twink: so done with you jfc

taro_twink: gn

taro_twink: bye

taro_twink: if you say anything else i’m blocking your number

Me: you’re no fun

taro_twink: you are literally texting me while you’re doing your partner i don’t want to hear it

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

👹 Vox Akuma: names

vox is noisy. delightfully so. it’s easy to communicate with him because he’s unconsciously vocal whenever he likes something.

these sounds, however, are usually limited to grunts, moans and cries. all well and good, but when things get more intense, he’s more inclined to scream your name.

and when his dick is in your mouth he can’t think straight, in the worst way.

this is just to say that even when you’re not roleplaying, he’s cried out a lot of names that aren’t yours. usually celebrities or fictional characters. you’ve lost count of how many tall/dark/handsome guys with long hair he’s cum to, or sassy women. hell, his celebrity crushes don’t even look like you.

if you have cheating fantasies this is excellent. if you have ntr fantasies, excellent as well. what isn’t excellent, however, is how last time you poured wax on him while fucking him from behind, he buried his face into the pillow and whimpered out your coworker’s name.

he was very lucky you didn’t have more wax to splash him with

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

✧. ┊ masterpost ✧. ┊ kofi

#ike eveland #ike eveland x reader #luca kaneshiro #luca kaneshiro x reader #shu yamino #shu yamino x reader #vox akuma #vox akuma x reader #luxiem x reader #luxiem #nijisanji x reader #nijisanji en #ike eveland smut #luca kaneshiro smut #shu yamino smut #vox akuma smut #4402 writes #hear me out i just KNOW he can’t find the c/it

[murderless-crows]

Chapters: 1/? Fandom: Dimension 20 (Web Series) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Adaine Abernant & Figueroth Faeth Characters: Figueroth Faeth, Adaine Abernant Additional Tags: Campaign 01: Fantasy High (Dimension 20), Fantasy High Sophomore Year Spoilers (Dimension 20), Figueroth Faeth-centric, Hurt/Comfort, the author thinks too much about half elf/tiefling biology, it's an excuse to indulge in some h/c and yell my hcs into the void, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, No Beta We Die Like Gilear Summary:

Nobody ever said that the life of a half-elf, half-tiefling teenager was easy. No one had warned Fig that it could suck so much, though. Hells damn it, she should demand a bigger compensation than some fire immunity.

------

She was Fig the Infaethable, the Archdevil of Rebellion and King of the Bottomless Pit. She was supposed to be cool, suave, a fucking badass. Not a whimpering teenager who cowered on her room's couch, clutching her horns in a way that hurt, but hurt more placidly and sharper than the throbbing aches numbing her mind.

#dimension 20 #fantasy high #fig faeth #i need to go the FUCK to sleep but tagging is a bitch #ao3 #my writing #is it indulgent. why yes of course #adaine abernant #adaine o'shaughnessey

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

i am asleep much in the way that Wally is asleep. that is to say, I Am Not Sleeping

#gave it my best shot for a minute there #really made an effort. its Not Working #see this is what happens when your sleep schedule is Fucked and you usually go to bed when the sun comes up #on a normal night id be jammin to tunes. scribbling with reckless abandon #tonight however i am at Someone Elses place so i need to be Quiet #i need to Sleep i am Driving tomorrow #brain wont cooperate tho. brains a bitch. id like to be unconchus #OH SHIT OH!!! I DO HAVE A JOKE I CAN MAKE BARNABY USE!!! #I HAVE A COUPLE OF OCEAN BASED ONES! FUCK! #sorry train of thought took a detour #im tired. today was mostly very good. had lots of Fun <3 #experienced something new! several somethings!! #and now im lamenting my wide-awakeness in a dark room #my hunting gathering badass self is Bored as Hell #and so: wally scribble of him sharing my woes #scribble salad #not gonna tag it as anything else

[nosleep83]

This has been the worst month of this whole year for me easily I’m gonna cry 😍😍😍😍

#over all a huge cowabummer #gonna vent in tags more just letting u know #my dog is still sick and might be fucking losing her eyesight #cause of all the shit going on with my family I havent been able to do a lot of my normal Christmas traditions #it doesn’t even fucking FEEL like Christmas #maybe I’m just a whiny bitch but I actually feel like shit rn #I just need my dog to be ok then I’ll be fine #I think #tw vent #sleep vents

[bugsoda]

someone take this device away from me i am much too tired to be dignified. pay this buffoon no mind.

#is that that word #much too #those are words #when i am sleep deprived i get rambly so thats what this is #please tune me out i will tired post and comment and tag and it is humiliating bc its not my true potential #i am better than this! #go to sleep! #nay #i shall keep on for some reason #old speech posting i guess. what era is this #shakespearean? early modern english? what era was that #anyway the Some Reason is boredom and need of sleep #i will continue to ramble stop laughing at me #bloop #ren faires are so fun even though they have like. nothing to do with the renaissance. im in the process of making a cape. sewing machine is #a bitch. why do i keep adding tags #fuck off stop looking at me #dont reply to this please spare me some pride #why did i even make this post #anyway i shoudl really be more educated on history #fuck what was i thinking about. bees? #no ren faires right #who wants to come with me that would be so fun. actually i have only been here for like 3 months and ive only dm’d a couple of you #and even then not a lot. but in my defense how tf do uou keep a conversation. how does that work i cant even do it in person #ive decided to cut myself off #bye

[baby-tart]

In genuine anguish rn

#shallotposting #like. i cannot sleep because i am burdened with thot #and i need to be up in like 5 hours #but im developing a new crush and i dont like that #and i have all these plans i’ve made #like im gonna go to a con and do a cosplay #and that is gonna cost time and money #and im excited for it. so im thinking about it #and also im thinking about my partner who i miss #and my other partner who i miss #and my friends whose shit i would platonically sploink #and im generally kinda wound up #and then the tenderness comes and bitch slaps me #and i think about like. holding my crush’s hand #and then Another crush messages me. i am just such a fucking mess #if i had a nickel for every crush i’ve had on a trans man who has schizophrenia and i cannot tell if he has genuine interest in me or not #i’d have two. it’s not a lot but- yeah you’ve heard it before #and also bc im up so late my stomach is hungry and i know i shouldnt feed it #but now the hunger is Bugging me #anyway. if you are reading these tags and think or know that you are one of the people mentioned here #you have not seen this post. i am so normal. #are we clear? #not even kidding #this shit is embarrassing #also if u r one of the trans men mentioned you Especially havent seen this not even to be coy and tease me about it ok!!! #i will Actually Cry #2amposting

[petitgalaxy]

..

#i ran out of tags on the last post AJSJSJS #SO i cant close my eye or use my mouth as well as i normally can and my eye hurts like a bitch #dr gave me 1) a second round of antibiotics 2) swimmer’s ear meds which my parents had to pay for out of pocket (like $90!!!) #3) steroids for the paralysis 4) yeast infection meds bc last time i got one #5) artificial tears to keep my eye nice n lubed up since it can’t CLOSE #so now i’m all full of meds that are making my stomach hurt a fuck ton and fucking with my appetite and making me hot and flushed and angry #i can’t see super well and i cant hear out of the one ear literally at all so stuff like retail job and lab work with classmates are hard #i’m exhausted and sick and have no motivation for schoolwork which I already was struggling w as a result of autistic burnout and PDA #i also do think that this is a hilarious set of unfortunate circumstances and yesterday i was very giggly abt it but today i’m just pissed #i can’t sleep well under the best of circumstances and tonight i rly cant #i tried to go to bed early bc i’m so tired and i need to force myself to go to classes tomorrow since i’ve been skipping a lot of them #my profs know abt the issues btw but :))) academia is hell if you’re at all sick or disabled or having mental health problems or whatever #no room for flexibility or adaptation in my experience #anyway i just wanted to vent for a while!!! #i am not in danger or anything and i’m not a threat to myself or others or anything scary #just frustrated and sick #the paralysis should go away within weeks to months 🙃 #for some people it never goes away 🙃 #so fingers crossed #but i am thankful to have meds readily accessible even tho they’re expensive and stupid #that’s all!! time to put my sleep mask back on and try to pass out #i tried taping my eye shut per doc recommendation but it wouldn’t stick #💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼

[larryjohnsoncosplayonthursday]

last

for realsies

#HELLO IM VENTING AGAIN IM SO SORRY #i am sick of everything the usual but i just need some fucking therapy and my diagnosises are taking too long because the system is shit #over here and i feel like i am a literal walking disaster a hazard to myself are my meds even working anymore idk? someone needs to lock me #in a fucking wardrobe before i loose my shit and do something stupid as fuck at least im self aware ok were growing this is called growth #wow ok amazing spectacular #like tonight ive decided i hate everyone again i want to quit uni actually might do it this time i just applied for a random job for no #reason i have a job but if i have 2 then i can over work myself to the max so i dont have to go into uni #i have three weeks off so now im cutting everyone off who knows how long this episode is gonna last for #i am loosing my god damn mind i do not want to do anything everything is so hard why is everyone so pressuring #i stopped doing some of my stupid habbits but now im just going full circle again so im thriving rn live love laugh am i right guys or what #AND WHY CANT I JUST HAVE A THERPAIST WHO CONTACTS ME ITS BEEN SINCE OCTOBER U FUCKING BITCH GO FUCK URSELF #anyway im in huge amounts of pain too idk what i do in my sleep or something but my shoulders hurt so bad #i hate wet tags on clothes when they stick to you throws up actually #i had stale fucking garlic bread today and i want to move out but if i move out then things will get worse for me #why cant i maintain a normal friendship without loosing my mind and hating everyone i mean no one knows my friends are pretty good with me #they understand but i dont know #ive come to the conclusion that i am just a shit

[alice-malice-wonderland]

another day of me having to restrain all of my fucking opinions bc people will start to call me negative and overly concerned the morals of everyday life

#I HAVE OCD #people literally tell me I'm so negative (it's literally just my mother) #bc i interpret fact #then think forever and debate and learn more and more #like i get it i think aboht philosophy too much like im chidi in the good place but FUUHHHHCCCKKK #i cant turn it off #trying to survive in a household that insisted you were wrong all the time and that you were a bad person if not a christian #i need to analyze these things. my mother has called me a bad person all my life and it traumatized me to a point #that i obsess over knowledge and philosophy in order to cope. i need to do these things or my brain explodes #i need therapy and i go to therapy once to twice a week bc well. im hanging on by a motherfucking thread bitches #its 4.44 am. and I'm..... stoned. bc I can't sleep again and my brain isnt shutting off again #this all started bc of a conversation about a certain reality tv contest #and as anyone could tell you i fucking hate reality tv with a dangerous passion #i have a lot of opinions about a lot of things and i should keep my mouth shut most of the time bc they are not friendly to some people #the tags are longer than the post #and i couldn't give a shit anymore #this day is gonna be a fucking nightmare pray for me

[katesgotabow]

ooc cause I just need to vent about RL stuff at the moment and don't particularly have anywhere else to vent out to at the moment.

#I'm feeling dejected today after I got in trouble essentially #it was a low blow to my already iffy state of mind and I'm struggling to let it go. #I do know what I'm doing in my work ; and right now I'm just feeling underappreciated and not recognized for the things I do well #ooc #oh yeah and the obligatory fuck mention to keep it out of the tags I think #anyways back to my venting. I'm just frustrated because I actually can only handle so much #and I'm feeling like right now there's more expected of me than I can give energy wise. #and I'm feeling a little burnt out and would like to just take some time for me. but unfortunately right now I can't #because I was sick for almost a week and spent most of ol that week sleeping #I just ugh. that's all at the moment. just ugh. and I wish that I could express it in another way today. like creatively so I could #idk just get it off my chest in a way that feels more productive than just bitching about it. but here we are #I really hope y'all haven't read this #because it really doesn't matter. I just needed to put this shit feeling somewhere and here felt like the safest place to do that #I hope you guys are having a good week and it has started better than mine has.

[possum-tooth]

uh oh sunday scaries gettin to me

#um. just a lot like.. goin on. like usual. #i just need to go to sleep but its only 11. but sldo just do to fucking sleep. #hrm. :/ #talk tag #dontrb #wow maybe i am more gone than originally thougbt bc reading back those tags.. damn bitch learn how to type lol

[astrogenica]

being plural is honestly a wild experience because every time i think i understand whats going on in here i come to find out something even weirder than before and like. im not even mad at this point it's just like can someone just tell me what's going on instead of letting me piece it together on my own?? can somebody in here gimme a goddamn hand???? creepy ass motherfuckers doing shit in the background and whisper whispering in my ear until i Realize IS NOT AN EFFICIENT MEANS OF COMMUNICATION. USE YOUR WORDS SPEAK WITH YOUR WHOLE CHEST goddamn!

#yall dont have a problem being this loud when im trying to SLEEP i see how it is #don't even know who the fuck i am right now fuck you guys #all you bitches been in here so fucking long you didn't think to write me a fucking handbook or something #you know we're autistic you dumb sluts!!! #jfc #this shit is honestly exhausting #im sitting here tryna have a good time and yall are fuckin Scheming behind my back do you know how hurtful that is??? #yall dont ever actually think about how i feel about any of this like you seriously think i can just take whatever you throw at me when *u* #think its the right time #not when im actually ready for it #GOD you're just like everybody else fuck you guys fuck you gguys SEVERELY #with a fucking cactus #admin tags: #text post #vent #venting #vent post #plural #plurality #arguing #i'm just so tired #i feel like knowing what's going on isn't a huge thing to ask yknow #communicating with me doesn't have to be so difficult #autism #i have it #i'm literally as direct as i can get #i don't know why you guys get so mad at me just asking for what i need #why do you keep playing this out #aren't you exhausted? #i am

[lusalemaart]

part.2..

#i want to go to fucking sleep i never want to wake up #ran out of melly toe nin and i been suffering bc of it #need that shit to sleep man. finally hot some more today #like. yeah i guess it has been helping i was surprised. bc taking melatonin i fall asleep at like 11-12 #and then when i dont i fall asleep at 5 (if im lucky)nd wake up at 7 #finally. sleep. please. #fk #tag later #i just. i jus. i just. i. i cant. i cant . i cant bear using social media goo bye #the moment i realized i converted completely into an old man was the moment i was like. #fucking social media makes me want to kms im gonna not do it anymore #and like since then (summer 2021) ive tried to get ack into it but god i cant. its fucking terrivle #theres not a single platform worth my time. #ironic i know #but this isnt social media for me this is place to dump my *rt #for me bitch #rotp #c-cfk #mackylemore #botdbs #fktober #out here in 2023 with a worse body than i had in 2019 but im like actually doing it #im with a worse body and with less incentive too. but im doing it more than i had back then :I #not sure if im proud of myself. or beyond baffled. #whatever. doesnt matter. #i really like what i drew on the 8th. that one... make me soft #that last one was just a misc doodle #as for macktlas. mack at last? macklas? idk. bro #27 year old man is given a bk crown and hes rather bitter about it. how fucking young do you think i am?????!!!!!

[squishy-lemons]

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#im just gonna cry and be a lil bitch in the tags no one look #i just want to get it out and ill be tagging it via rants if you want to block it #why is my dad the way he is #like i swear to god not 30 minutes ago he was normal and asked me where the cough drops were #now hes yelled at me for doing my fucking homework saying i take too long when i had a test today #im going to break down i swear to god #i havent done anything wrong or if i have i dont know what it is #someone pls just fucking kill me or smth idgaf at this point can he just be nice to me for one day pls i will literally cry #why does he need to make me feel bad for shit that i havent done (or HAVE done because i HAVE finished my homework im just revising) #im so tired #maybe ill just go to sleep idk #pls i just need a fucking hug

[a-s-levynn]

random confession time, i need a mental hygene moment

when i say i’m tired ‘cause i had a bad night i don’t mean i had a hard time falling asleep, it neither means me having bad dreams or just randomly waking up in the middle of the night. that’s my usual sleeping experience. i refer to nights like yesterday, waking up with a dislocated finger.

#DISCLAIMER: MENTION AND BRIEF DISCUSSION OF SELFHARM (intentional and unintentional) BOTH IN POST AND TAGS #MOSTLY IN TAGS #FEEL FREE TO SKIP #............................................................................................................................................ #____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ #all my life people called me a liar behind my back for stuff like this and it desensitizes you so fucking much towards your own shit #and like.. there is this dissonance in your head cause there is this injury you didn't had going to sleep but it's there when you wake up #but everyone dismisses it as you playing for attention.. bitch i hate my existance being acknowledged in general #i certainly do not need people fawning over me for a supposedly fake injury #i mean yeah i'm not saying i'm not prone to self harm cause that would be a lie but i'm far from being suicidal #but doing it on purpose for a reason and literally being unable to do anything about it while sleeping is a vastly different state of mind #it stops being a choice at that point because there is no choice while you are not conscious #i don't even remember how many times i had to make up some random story about an injury because the 'i dunno i was sleeping' #isn't really an explanation people want to hear #it implies too heavily that 'you have some issues' for it makes peeps around you uncomfortable #especially not talking about stuff like stabbing myself in the leg or scratching my skin off until i bleed or skipping painkillers and shit #okay me skipping painkillers is a twofold thing because i don't only need the pain from my leg at times to focus but i'm prone to addictions #i like me some free pain sue me #whatever not important #i'm just having a weird moment and i had to whine about my unintentional injuries and shit #i also drank 4 cans of energy drink after a bit over two weeks of not having one and i have way to much energy #which is good because i felt like shit since the winter holidays so this is a better state of existing in general #but i dunno i'm buzzing and i had to get this out #there isn't really any point to it i just had to #levynn cries about nonsense #levynn tries to think