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so-much-nonsense · 4 months

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the absolute enigma

what does it take? to be at peace. to get used to things. to not feel overwhelmed everytime you experience something mildly unusual. i am super tired of feeling, i wish i could stop. watching the vampire diaries now makes me so nostalgic and i wish i had a humanity switch to just fucking shut everything off. i know this lacks all kinds of context so ill get started on a few things. today i visited someone at the hospital. a specific someone who is the most important person in my life. its nothing serious but its the most serious thing. anyways, given that i have spent so much time in and around hospitals i couldnt help but assure myself that i am used to it and that its nothing new. well, turns out only one of those two things are correct. this is nothing new to me, i have been spending so much time at hospitals since i was 10. what and why can be ignore because the reasons vary vividly from very deadly surgeries to a simple token. the feeling of walking down the long and empty hallways that are dimly lit is the feeling i know like the back of my hand. looking at terminally ill humans and just walking away as my heart cripples is a yearning that comes to me as easily as blinking. BUT what i have realised today, is that no matter how many times i do this, i will never get used to this. everytime it is still a fresh, overwhelming experience. but what matters is that this person is fine and so am i. that is it. also i keep thinking about a lot of things, always, obviously. but recently ive been pondering upon how people keep changing a lot. like a lot of time i spend thinking about this is wasted daydreaming or sum shit. this is what haunts me. everything that happens inside my brain is never real enough for the world but to me its the closest to reality ive ever been. idk if i should listen to myself or literally everyone else. its also about how i never want to give up. like, tf?? will i ever be ready to give up? honestly, i dont think so. because i want this to change. i do want to give up on certain things, that is what will enable me to enjoy what i have right now. the yearning to grow and want and have more, the potential to be in possesion of the best, is simply disabling me from enjoying where i am at right now. i keep thinking about how i dont enjoy the things i have now and how i let all the experiences pass because i am hopeful that i will get to experience something better. i can tell that i am never completely present in any situation, i keep thinking i will have the best situations to be present in. heck, i shouldve already been there, i should be there now. but i am not. i am simply choosing to deny where i am right now because i am not where i want to be. it makes a lot of sense when put into words but i hate that for myself. i like to cherish every experience, low or high. but right now, all i can think is, i am commercially analysing this and im getting into all types of politics in my head. maybe the thoughts are isolating themselves to change my likes and dislikes because thats one way of grieving. i dont want this. i hate this. hence, i want to give up on my dreams. but can i ever? i really do not think soooo ughhhh. maybe thats because i keep thinking that my dreams are not really dreams, they are goals that can be achieved. and somewhere i know that if i try hard enough i will achieve them but i just dont know why im not putting in the effort. or just why i did not put the effort the first time. but fuck it. im gonna try again. what have i got to lose? where i am right now. i hate that possibility. ik its not the greatest place but there is something about this that just clicks with me. so, like i said, ill keep trying. lol. and... uh... yeah, thats pretty much it for now. REGARDLESS (the irony), what kanan said about existential crisis flows in my veins: give up your dreams, death is coming, lets party!!

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television-pil0t · 1 year

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I don’t wanna be touched I wanna be loved. I wanna feel loved. I wanna stop crying. I don’t wanna be needy I wanna be needed. I don’t wanna hurt this much but I don’t wanna die. I wanna handle it myself but I’m at my breaking point. LMAO IVE BEEN HERE FOR A DAMN WHILE! SINCE JULY APPARENTLY! I wear the same clothes to school everyday. I don’t wanna try. My head hurts and it’s spinning. I’m tired of bleeding. I’m tired of punching and burning myself. I’m tired of finding every way out of this. I hate being worried he’s cheating on me. I hate how nonchalant he can be. I hate that i have any problem with him whatsoever GOD IM SUCH A ASSHOLE! WHY AM I LIKE THAT! WHAT THE FUCK DO I WANT FROM HIM! IM THE ONE THAT LET HIM BACK IN MY LIFE AND NOW IM COMPLAINING IT BITCH ITS YOUR FAULT ITS ALL YORU FAULT! Why do I complain so much. Am I asking to much to be loved a little bit more? Yes. Because he’s giving me all he can. We talked about it before. God he’s fucking trying. I’m gonna throw up I hate myself. I’m never gonna be good at art. Programming is a joke. I’m shit at technology. MF probably dosnt EVEN really want me around anymore. He used to talk about how much he wanted me. He said he needed me once. My dad used to hug me. I used to have worth. I used to be worth something. Why did this happen. I used to have so much to me. I used to be so nice. Why did he touch me. WHY DID HE TOUCH ME! WHY DID MIDDLE SCHOOL HAPPEN! GOD I WISH I WAS JUST MOLESTED ON THE INTERNET WHY DID IT HAPPEN IN REAL LIKE! WHY DID HE RUIN MY LIFE! I used to be so fucking nice! I used never be obsessed with someone! I was fucking normal! Why did he have to hit me. Over and over and over! I used to be so fucking nice I CANT GET OVER THAT I USED TO BE NICE! Now I’m such a asshole! Manipulative ass FUCKING BITCH! Using there mental illness as a landing pad when I do something wrong and have the gall to act like I’m better than everyone. MF you wanna go protest. Protest against yourself you fuck up. All this because a guy in 8th grade? All this because some guy when you were 5? Get the fuck over it! SHIT AS IF I CAN BLAME THEM! I’m just a fucking asshole! My bf probably still sends nudes to the gc. He still probably talks shit. He probably likes his friends. LMAO HE PROBABLY FUCKING FLIRTYS WITH THEM ALL THE FUCKING TIME AND I JUST DONT FUCKING KNOW BECAUSE “you get jealous so easily” MF I JUST WANNA DIE GOD DAMN IT IM CRYING AGAIN! I JUST WANNA FEEL SAFE! I WANT SECURITY! I WANT A FUCKING APOLOGY! I WANNA BE TREATED BETTER! EVEN MY PARENTS FUCKING HATE ME! HIS PARENTS WILL TO WHY WOULD I EVEN GO OVER THERE IM A AWFUL FUCKING PERSON WHY AM I ALIVE I SHOULDVE DIED YEARS AGO! I’m a fucking pussy that’s why. I just wanna be ok so fucking back. God it hurts. I cant keep going but I refuse to stop. I don’t wanna die. I just want better. I need better. I can’t be surrounded by fucking hell and be expecting to thrive in it! I’m the the rose in concrete god damn it! I was just a kid. FUCK I ALWAYS SAY THE WRONG THAT! AND THE WORST PART LMAOOO HE DOSNT EVEN TELL ME WHEN I SAW SOMETHING WRONG! HE JUST TALKS SHIT ABOUT ME LMAOO!! “Lol you never learn” YEAH I FUCKING CANT! CALL ME OUT PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME! I can’t talk to my own bf about my issues not only has he given up by I just feel like he would say “damn boi it’s not that serious” I scream! Maybe if I scream until I bleed I’ll finally be heard. By everyone. I’m tired of this. I’m not ready to be a adult. I’m not ready for any of this shit. God my heart hurts so bad. I feel like I’m just in year one. So much anxiety. Nothing to ease the pain and who’s fault is that. Mine. As always. Who am I crying to? Who am I asking for help? Nobody. Because it never goes well. I just wanna be told I’m loved. Im needed. Tell me it’s gonna be fucking alright because this world sucks. Im not gonna be able to leave out of my apartment until 26 at this rate because of government and inflation and my bf is just saying “save money” UGH LOOK AROUND!! WERE ALL TRYING! It’s so hard to make ends meet! It’s so hard!!

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haeroniel-doliet · 2 years

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a bonus thought post for the night!!

on that nostalgia raising feelings train but it derails so it got long so its under a readmore :*

scrolling my old art made me a bit sad and nostalgic (who doesnt get those feelings though doing the same) specifically i really have my heart going out to kid me who got basically no notes on anything. (im not saying i shouldve, art was definitely kid art and questionably tagged etc!) but some i put effort into and it made me so happy to get those 10 likes or whatever. it made me post post and post even what i was working on and unfinished bits (Sure, being me? many of those never got finished bc posting gave the hit of reward chemicals, no response meant no motivation to finish to get more yknow?)

its weird thinking ive now as an adult got a handful of posts with -hundreds- of notes. one over a thousand!! (sure, the really good and popular artists may have thousands but hey they deserve it!!) its weird that i sort of maybe now know what to do to get a reaction out of my prefered niche of the internet. that if i tried w some more consistently, who knows?

im proud of everything in my current art tag. (mostly. no. i am proud shut up brain) i feel slightly like posting more wips. bc i have a ton. surprisingly? ive been drawing way more in the past year than ive been posting (new for me). of course, there is no obligation to post it. why post stuff im not happy with? only to get anxious abt it? sure posting that one teaser when i was actively working on making it better was kinda fun. sure maybe posting some wips would make me go back and finish them bc some of them are good ideas?? but also some are just. theyd make sense to nobody but myself. and why should i share every crevice of my creativity like i used to as an attention craving kid?

my blog is my blog its me, its not a nice art blog its got all my vents and whatever i like to reblog on a given day on it all together. i could make a new tag that feels less like a portfolio to post wips i abandoned or doodles that never went further. it might be nice having them out here. but somehow i feel like id be too embarassed to post them, for my few followers to actually see them. what if i actually tagged them and ppl in tags saw my nonsense doodles? is it worth it? right now my art tag feels like its: dinluke and finished at that ONLY. things that people who come on my blog would like to see perhaps...

hahahhahahha i just crashed my Krita trying to with brash abandon look at all the unposted wips i have at once

turns out i have like. a handful of original works that never got past a rough doodle stage which is fair yknow they were just ideas that could be fleshed out but dont need to. some of them are very personal vent art

ive got a few sketch to tiny doodle to questionable attempt at painting etc bits of the star wars ladies. reminds me that i should branch out in my star wars posting and that drawing women is just way easier and more natural to me why dont i do it more?

ive got a good few fic inspired sketches that never got legs and tbf? theyre olddd now.

ive got like 12 frames of the inktober challenge from last year... in the style of posting 5 at a time, theyve all been sketched out and like half are i think finished. obviously october went long and at some point it just felt weird to post them even if i finished them. i sort of decided if i finish them up early autumn i could get away w posting them for beginning of october while i had a try at the new inktober? idk why i like a challenge to force me to draw more than i do in a year. and then it takes me a year lol. i have a set of 5 that are all inspired by fic, and like. i still like the idea of them. unfortunately? some of the references were old.. A YEAR AGO. sure theres like, the appreciation for vintage and telling ppl we like their work ages on. but i worry the authors no longer are in the fandom or want to be reminded of their work? etc etc. some of them are meh, some i like.

ngl i am especailly happy w my oct 31 post, which i really wish id finished on time for last year. heres to seeing if i post it this year? maybe i’ll finish what i want to finish of them (theres like. 2 im just really not inspired for and never was) and then have a wee collage of them to post, w the oct 31 prompt seperate, as a sort of. hey wip clear out! these are the stragglers from last year :))

maybe ill post original art one day when i get drawn enough to finish one.

ok ok hi welcome indepth to my thought process, bonus thoughts for every thought included. this doesnt need to be on the internet SURE but its a small time capsule for myself ok?

i dont think right now making a doodle tag to post wips is gonna bring me anything but anxiety and feelings of inadequacy i know too well from posting art as a teen. maybe at some point itll help break the barrier and ill just. post shit but it doesnt have to be on my ““portfolio tag”“

i could pick up an wip to finish now, ive got a good few candidates. but i think i should best just, shake off the cobwebs on smth new so i dont feel like im ruining it. it might be a rey or a leia or other star wars heroine portrait. it might be grogu bc hes an already ugly gremlin. it might be something else. i might be talking a high load of shit bc its 3 am again and i should go sleep rather than push myself in delirium. odds are tomorrow im exhausted again, feel like i should do things that actually benefit me in my life and address responsibilites, and shut down under the weight of the thought of it and not do anything until i go crazy at night again? time will tell but rn im stuck in that loop.

perhaps i should never have posted this bc its very long and personal but also? i kinda doubt anyone will read it and thats ok :)) if you are here, hi sorry that you know me better now! uhhh thoughts on the above?

#haeroniel talks #this ramble ran away from me!! it got long sorry #basically im wondering if posting wips as they are would be fun bc i used to do that but concluded itd probably give more anxiety than fun #had a look at said wips in the process and have some thoughts on them #kiss kiss goodnight i should try sleep but the brain is a fun little organ and i process thoughts best verbally (or over text #same thing)

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secretexperiment · 3 years

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#dont quote me but i miiiiight start getting into itzy #love wannabe #the dance is cool #the vibes are VERY cool and sexy and badass #all that i wish 2 beeee #and i watched them do drip or drop and they were so cute lol #and they really dance! im not shitting on other g groups i respect anyone who has to try and do diff concepts #doesnt matter if its sexy or cute it takes courage i think #i can barely do that stuff in front of myself lol so i cant imagine doing it on a stage #but i think a lot of girl groups have been given choreos they can only do in heels which means they aren't ultimately that complex #or else it would be too hard to perform #so far it seems like itzy is being given like actual real choreo-heavy stuff??#need more time to explore what theyve got out thus far #lol this shouldve just been a regular post why'd i do it in the tags

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antifragi1e · 2 years

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wanna rant?

i just got my grades back for our short film and it was so fucking low like from pre production materials to the film itself none of them got a decent score ???? honestly i wasnt happy with the outcome of the film either but it didnt deserve to be that fucking low . i thought the script n production design was fucking great but the grades i got for them were sooo low

its so fucking frustrating coz people on set worked so HARD to get things done and everything turned to shit during post production coz my editor/director (who wasnt on set btw. me and another person directed instead) wont listen to our comments coz the first draft was fucking ugly . like i get this is her artistic vision and all but cmon it couldve been better. everyone said so + we offered to help and even get help from other people coz we were already on the day of the deadline and she keeps insisting she could do it . i had no choice but to submit the second draft coz we were literally 2 minutes away from the deadline :/ btw im not putting all the blame on her at all! half of the group werent even fucking communicating w me before and after shooting too so like ... yea it was meh team tbh shouldve gone to a diff group lol (im not discrediting them at all i know they did their part but cmon they Knew they shouldve done better) also as producer i have my faults too but this couldve been avoided esp we gave her more than enough time for post prod :/ i swear it couldve been better in so many ways but !!!!! its already there so it is what it is!!

i personally had countless sleepless nights just to finish working on the pre production stuff and i was happy to do everything in production too ! but to see the final product being shit + the grade being shit . its such a fucking ugly feeling . i rlly didnt expect our grade being that fucking low :/ it really fucking sucks.

anyway i was talking to yanna when i saw my grade n she said i should be kinder to myself . i get that this is my first time producing a film but god the number i saw made me feel nauseous coz i really did not expect it . it was bad but i didnt think my prof would think it was That bad :/ this was my favorite class and he was my favorite prof too so like ... fuck

all im gonna say is i know i worked hard and i enjoyed every second of working on it. i did more than i was supposed to do and i loved it . i just wish everyone else was as passionate as i was and worked as hard as i did . but theres nothing else i could do and whats done is done so :/ yeah

re: not wanting to be a filmmaker anymore . idk its still my dream the grade i got just made me feel so fucking low so now im thinking what if that shit isnt for me u know :/ like i did a shit job producing a 20 min short film . i could be better next time but how r we sure theres a next time . this could be my first n last idk :/ but if given the chance for sure i will make sure to do better . n hope i get to work with a diff set of people too

thats all thank u for letting me rant ! if u read it up to this point send me a heart i guess just so i know :--) i hope ur having a wonderful day anon xoxo

#DONT RB #pls #i have so much more to say but u know whay i am choosing peace :)#im just still really upset abt the grade i got #thanks again anon kith #ask #anon

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radbutsafe · 3 years

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ALL FUCKIN 35 OF THEM SKLNWESDJFPXO

I SHOULDVE EXPECTED THIS FROM YOU

1. From one to five stars, how would you rate your writing? (No downplaying yourself!)

A three! I think I’m mid range cause I ain’t terrible but there is still shit I gotta improve and grow in my writing

2. Why do you write fanfiction?

to manifest what canon won’t give me and to write more! (though yes it is mainly about the smooching and the— I’ll stop there LOL)

3. What do you think makes your writing stand out from other works?

Hm! My weird research details? I’m that “fun fact, did you know...” in my fics sometimes LOL! I plan on giving a penthouse for erina in a fic and I went through penthouse listings in Japan for floor layouts and locations💀 my research gives me inspo and depth to stuff I think I lack in comparison to others sometimes.

4. Are there any writers that inspire you?

In terms of fellow fic writers, one of them I can’t name here but she’s an inspiration with her exceptional gift for prose period and her lovely skill at comedy! I want to be as funny as her when I write, I love her ironic situational humor. Other fic writers are @takoyakitenchou, @royaldragonsevgisi15 who I always love sharing ideas with and motivate me to create more! For non-fic writers it would be V.E. Schwab, Leigh Bardugo, Oda, and Horikoshi! The last two may be mangaka, however they are writers as well to create their stories! The depth these creators have given their worlds and interesting characters theyve given life to are all what I aspire to be like!

5. What’s the fic you’re most proud of?

so far uh?? hm everything I’m currently writing are wips lol!! im proud of my wip that has been nicknamed ‘soma panics’ that is a multi-chapter fic that spans like probs 20 plus chapters maybe

6. What element of writing do you find comes easily?

dialogue! it’s so much fun! and character thoughts. I’ve said to people I may be better suited for script writing

7. What element of writing do you struggle with most?

I think it’s description, of like setting and showing action. also an expansion of my vocabulary LOL

8. Which character(s) do you find easiest to write?

erina! I think it’s because canon has shown us many of her different faces and range of emotion.

9. Which character(s) do you find most difficult to write?

SOMA!! chill ass mofo whos more carefree compared to the common shonen protagonist! for other shokugeki characters I’m not sure just yet because I haven’t flexed my fingers enough for the rest of them.

10. What’s your favorite genre to write for?

I guess I should say romance cause that’s what I mostly write LOL!

11. Who or what do you find yourself writing about most?

sorina and I try to get them to smooch eventually KEK and yeah it’s..usually romantic fluff lmao

12. Tell us about a WIP you’re excited about.

HONESTLY ALL OF THEM but “soma panics” is my brain child

13. First fandom you ever wrote for?

pretty sure it’s digimon....

14. What’s your favorite fandom to write for?

currently shokugeki no soma!!!!

15. What’s the weirdest fandom you’ve ever written for?

uhhhh I guess SNS? LMAO fandoms...all have their quirks to them.

16. Any guilty pleasure trope(s)?

characters cuddling!!!! or getting the urge to smooch!!!!

17. A trope you’ll never, ever write for.

unrequited love GOOD FUCKIN BYEEEEEE

18. Wildest fic you’ve ever written?

I have plot ideas thst can be wild potentially but so far nothing fits this criteria so far that I actually have written.

19. Do you prefer canon-compliant, AUs, or something in-between?

depends on the fandom, but if written well, all of it!

20. Gen fic or shippy stuff?

shippy 100% like I said I like smoochin

21. Favorite pairing to write for? (platonic or romantic!)

romantic is...*drumroll* SORINA! platonic, soutaku and erina and alice!

22. Do you listen to anything while you write?

Sometimes! There are times songs will be on loop and times I just shuffle a playlist. and if I’m writing in random bursts it’ll be with no music but it really does depend lmao I think music is when I’m forcing myself to write?

23. Do you prefer prompts and challenges, or completely independent ideas?

completely independent ideas, I’ve realized in the past prompts shoot me in the foot often unless I luckily figure something out. but I’m often driven by my own sporadic self interest with shitty ping ponging attention

24. One-shots or multi-chaptered works?

multi-chap I guess cause I can post without being finished LOLLL but tbh can I really answer? I haven’t finished anything.....

25. Have you ever daydreamed about side adventures/spin-offs from your fic? Tell us about them!

I can’t answer this question imo because I haven’t finished a fic yet so technically stuff could all fit in the one fic?

26. Is there anything you’ve wanted to write, but you’ve been too scared to try?

MYSTERY AND CRIME! I love the genre and I have plot ideas once a blue moon but I can’t dive in because I want to make details that work and reduce plot holes where suspension of disbelief isn’t as needed. I need to study it more (I need to study all the details for any of my fics imo to be confident sometimes LOL)

27. What’s the nicest comment you’ve ever received?

I don’t think I can say one comment was the nicest because I’ve gotten comments that have given me quite the smiles to my face many times! I know this is a cop out but it’s true!

IS WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY UNTIL REINA SENT ME THE FOLLOWING ON DISCORD LIKE TWENTY MINS AGO:

and also rad. i am never this vocal about my emotions like EVER but this needs to be said your fics are obviously far from perfect, as are mine and everyone else's. but the thing about your works is that they're so well-sanded that it's impossible to find any rough edges or faults in them in terms of cohesion to a plot. your cast is never OOC and the amount of effort you devote to developing your takes on the characters as accurately as possible is unimaginably awe-inspiring.

BITCH I WANNA CRY 😭

28. How well do you handle criticism when it comes to your writing?

I’d like to believe I take it often well to try and improve because that’s always my goal. if someone is rude lol that’s not constructive snd is unhelpful. If I disagree with criticism I’ll explain why !

29. Have you ever gone outside of your comfort zone for a fic? How did it turn out?

Not yet, but I have some plot ideas I think will let me test this.

30. Tooth-rotting fluff or merciless angst?

F L U F F.

31. Do you have any OCs? Tell us about them!

elliott fuji, a japanese-american award winning photographer who is erina’s boyfriend in ‘soma panics’ which..causes soma’s panic LOL he’s 30 with slightly wavy black hair. I still haven’t pinpointed his personality just yet...he kind of humble brags for sure an artsy fucker and flirts maybe I’ll make him a lil shy though. he teaches sometimes, and becomes an adjunct photography professor in Tokyo so he can be with erina.

32. Summarize a random fic of yours in 10 words or less.

a cook is unfashionably late in realizing his feelings.

33. Is there anything you wish your audience knew about your writing or writing process?

I am a slow. so slow. motivation who is she? I also write out of order, unfortunately a bit too often.

34. Copy and paste an excerpt you’re particularly fond of.

this should be for the fic ‘soma panics’ it’s either megumi or satoshi talkin to him rn, I’m leaning towards satoshi

“You thought she would always wait for you, didn’t you Soma-kun? To always welcome you home.”

Soma drags his palms down his face and groans. He doesn’t like this at all. He doesn’t shy from confrontation but this is a whole different ballgame. Soma doesn’t play any ball.

“I guess..?” Is his reply, because he thinks he isn’t sure how to answer that.

“You guess?”

Just being questioned again is enough to crack Soma’s pathetic facade as if it was dropped chinaware and he lets out the longest sigh.

“No.”

Coming home means coming home to Nakiri Erina too.

Nakiri Erina is his forever.

this is @takoyakitenchou’s excerpt she’s most proud of that I’ve written, which is also from you guessed it, the long fic soma panics

SOMA: I am, I mean I will be, I swear I will always come home to you, not spend as much time abroad, once I’m done with work I’ll come right back. I’ll make sure to message you. Nakiri, I’m in love you with you. Maybe for a really long time. You know how I say I dedicate my food to you? My dad—my dad said that the key to become a good chef is to find someone to dedicate your cooking to. A special someone. For my dad it was my mom, you know? For me it’s...

(this is a good piece of dialogue tbh so I am also proud of this)

35. Ramble about any fic-related thing you want!

I’ve mentioned it throughout this but the WIP I’ve nicknamed ‘soma panics’ is something I’m super excited to write, but it’s going on slowly...and almost completely out of order. out of all of my writing it showed off that particular habit of mine, along with “what is this, a shoujo manga?!” though the latter is currently being written chronologically now that I’ve posted chapter one and is pretty solid in direction. it was originally supposed to be a one shot but I got impatient and wanted to post at least something for the sorina / soueri fandom.

however, because ‘soma panics’ (I won’t call it that LOL) is my baby I want to keep true to my rule of refusing to post it until I have a draft of the entire fic finished and I’m satisfied with the main points pretty much. due to my writing out of order, I’m worried I’ll change my mind about scenes or want to reflect things in earlier chapters for later ones etc etc

I joined the SnS fandom extremely late, as season five was airing. I was a fan of the manga five years ago and dropped it because I forgot to check for updates when I caught up 😔 I really want to bang out the different fics and aus for sorina that I have before the fandom fizzles out entirely but tbh I’m writing for myself, I’m manifesting what I want to see and I’ll just share it with all my friends to read if no one else will. cause I’m slow broski I dunno what writing fast even is like LMAO I do really want to write faster though, so I can contribute more and let the words free from the discord dms....

#ask meme #ask rad shit #writing #writing by rad #fanfic #reina girl u put me thru it I swear lol #thank u for sending!!#ur amazing!!!!

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milkie-yoongi · 4 years

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21 Questions Tag

yay i love these! especially because i cant go anywhere right now so imma try to find more! thank you @honeyvoicehwang for the tag :)

Name: starts w an S. read the about me section on my blog

Gender: female

Star Sign: pisces !!!!

Current Time: 1:15 PM

Favorite Artist(s): bts, bap, taeyang, song ji eun, eaeon, any OST artist tbh and theres lots more but im only listing the korean music ones

Favorite Song: sweet night - taehyung its just refreshing and sentimental i dont know how to describer

Song Stuck in Your Head: this one annoying song song by this lady i dont know that i keep hearing everyone dance to on tik tok because my friend keeps showing me can she stop tanks

Last Movie You Saw: in theatres? the star wars one, i love D-O i shouldve asked for that remote control robot for birthday i love dumb silly robot

Last Thing You Googled: “reddit” lol im looking for answers for lots of stuff rn

Other Blogs: nothing on here, one blog is enough to keep up with ehe

Main Blog: @milkie-yoongi

Do You Get Asks: i used to, now its rare but people be busy and im not consistently active so i get it, i love asks though please send some in esp at this time in life

Reason For Your URL: lol i don’t even know if there was a real reason behind it, i originally wanted to make a yoongi instagram fanacc but i liked tumblr more so i thought, why not make one there and just see how it does? it was only supposed to be for my personal entertainment and i didnt expect to meet so many wonderful people on here or for it to blow up as quickly as it did when i posted constantly. i didnt expect to be this invested in it either, but here i am today c: . i think i chose “milkie” as the first part of the name because i wanted a pastel/soft theme that was whitish/blueish and yoongi is baby to me and i associate that with that with “milk” and to make it flow better i just added “ie” then of course it was meant to be a yoongi blog so i added yoongi at the end because his name just as it is is beautiful.

Following: 193

Average Amount of Sleep: when im stressed or have to wake up early its around 5-6.5 hours (kinda like yoon yeh), and if i dont have to wake up early and am not stressed i sleep around 7-10 hours. i feel dead everyday though, how do people have energy?

Lucky Number: 13! idk, i dont believe in luck but 13 is a cool number and i always liked it!

Currently Wearing: why do you wanna know? some of these asks make me feel like im being interrogated by the fbi hahaaa but im staying at home today soo a black long sleeve with white small dolphin sillhouetes on the side and sleeves and black leggings. fun right?

Dream Job: at first i never had one, but now i realized i really want to work from home with my laptop. i dont mind what it is as long as i have fun doing it and that it lines up with my values, and i do have a few ideas regarding this, im not gonna put them out here so no one STEALS. because why work for someone else on someone else’s time when you can thrive the best doing what you like and taking advantage of the technology given? i know its gonna be a long road with lots of trial and error but thats what i really want so i can spend more time on what matters in life later on, like taking care of myself and being with family/friends! aside from online jobs though id love to be a piano teacher/piano accompanist because thats the only thing job wise that gives me joy right now.

Dream Trips: anywhere with good food :D right now definitely korea, japan, new zealand, the more nature-y islands in hawaii, anywhere in europe, probably more places but i cant think of any right now. also ive only been on an airplane once in my life!

Favourite Foods: anything with white rice it just makes eating so much easier and enjoyable. meats. seafood like the ones at the restaurants where they give you the bibs which i do not wear and they dump the lobster shrimp and crab and corn all over the table and you can just eat it however you want.

Play Any Instruments: pianopianoapinaoooapinaooapianoo! i used to play violin too in middle and HS but it made my head and jaw hurt and it was gross to me at the time i could not play in tune and i ate in orchestra class all the time instead of paying attention maybe thats why i got worse as i got older, but thats okay because with pianos you dont need to worry about playing in tune but im tempted to pick the violin up again and maybe even try viola...because violas are better i dont care what violin nerds have to say :P

Tagging:

@smolshooky @jincendio @yosunyoongi @heyitsminyoongi @yoongisugameow @xbabyboysx @cpt-falcon @roseghostly @kpoplittleheadcannon @shin-kun1995 @weezbelyse @blackzwaan-yoongi @minsugas-ass @sunshines-babie @agustkeys

if you see this but arent tagged, feel free to do it anyway!

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alukaforyou · 4 years

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and ALSO sry to post bs on main im mostly just talking to myself in my personal tag half the time so yolo, no need to respond to this or reassure me or whatever but these days i licherally question how much of my - sry to sound like a broken record - bs is dépression or just my shité mentality, like i rly was not designed to last, huh? physically or mentally? lol. like who gets motion sickness on swings lmao anyways. i think i give up too easily. theres a bunch of reasons y but i dont feel like saying. its a different thing to kind of kno something, and to admit / speak it (confront it). i could psychoanalyze myself all day and tell u exactly why some things are the way they are but its too unpleasant to neatly state stuff like that u kno?? like... *i kno* but im not gonna say i kno. anywho, i digress. so i give up easily and kind of have a defeatist mentality too, its so exhausting lool. actually its weird cuz duality of man, i'll be rly determined / stubborn abt doing some stuff and not care abt fear of failure with certain things but when it comes to My Life / My Future i just think i cant rly do anything? i mean that literally like i got no skillz *laugh crying emoji* not particularly good at anything, and art - the only thing im maybe arguably ok at - i dont wanna do as a career, that is art therapy for me i dont feel like commercializing it. not interested in working in my major, maybe things wouldve been different if i went to culinary or cosmetology school?? that sounds fun. or if i majored in bio cuz i was so good at that, or even if i majored in japanese language or literature or idk. but no regrets tho cuz i learned a lot abt drawing in art school which i can use for myself. and hmm i like staying home and not rly going out of my way to meet new ppl so connections what? i h8 hearing how most opportunities come through the ppl u kno cuz its true and ik like 10 ppl tops so hm very sexi of me :^) i just feel like im p much f*cked and it rly doesnt help that i have no functional dreams, goals, or aspirations nor the confidence and drive to work towards anything so ah ok cool. u kno suga's songs "the last" and "so far away" ? that p much sums up my feels minus the part abt having to deal w fame obviously LOL. its so easy being a student (for me at least) but being a good student isnt really worth a whole lot in the """""real world""""" and the current education system doesnt even rly prepare u for reality or w.e like Deep Sigh also the political climate rly lookin like shité out there like hmmmmm do i even wanna try so hard to be here anymore tho??? also going back to the self confidence thing, ya idk her LOOOOL like it doesnt very much bother me tho? i really, honest to god have no idea what my redeeming qualities even are. being nice? and my mindset re - tolerance and compassion for others, etc, ya im rly proud of that actually but besides that i mean like what can i Do tho like hm im not particularly good at anything also im hideous like uglee but thats ok too like none of this Bothers me, thats just literally how i Am so ok fine, but i feel like it makes it hard for me to exist in the world i happen to be in??? and i realize im speaking with a huge bias here cuz my brain is totally out of whack im p sure if some1 saw me / read this they would lit be like um u literally do not have it hard girl, which is fair ur kinda right actually from an objective pov, probably? its amazing how um. hard? of a time my brain is having given my relatively ok circumstances but thats just how it is ig. and if i may quote shakespeare - o full of scorpions is my mind. and its weird cuz duality of man - i actually have a lot of good times w friends and whatever i have a lot of fun, im not even very Sad or in Agony its all very a mild? sensation? but that might be because my plan b is to simply *** so nothing rly fazes me anymore lool.

its usually a v confusing emotion, im either feeling happy, or if not that, very ???? im literally that duwang quote get a feeling so complicated its just "ajdjsjsja" idk its not overly repulsive and upsetting im like :s LOL u kno wat at this point idek what im even saying anymore but its good that im writing whatever cuz im gonna need to look back on this later and organize my thoughts for presentation cuz remember i have a s.o now???? i wanna let them kno so we r on the same page, and i dont feel like im tricking them, i thought it over more and there are like 4? major cards i wanna lay out on the table early on and they are 1. im not that close w my family emotionally so do not seek their approval or expect to deal with them much. 2. personal ideology / political views like im bi lmao and pro lgbt if that wasnt obvious also i dont rly wanna be around racists / terfs etc and if ur right wing or not on that respect women juice uhhh bye.. 3. my weak ass mentality how i might Maybe *** in the future like no promise but errrr theres one more but its a little more negotiable and also too early to discuss so i wont mention it but i already got the first two outta the way so ya. theres the most troublesome of all, #3. the last thing i wanna do is traumatize someone that loves me (and i love back) with that kinda thing, its too late for my dear friends whom i love, sorry i didnt kno i was gonna be like this LOL yall already got attached but its a little different with my s.o cuz i feel like its not too late to uh.... stop getting as attached LMAO like dam i've known my girls for almost 10 years whereas i've only known my s.o for like a month.

and this is totally not gonna come across right but if my s.o very understandably desides to dump me id be SO RELIEVED LIKE WOOOO ok cool cuz like essentially what i'd be saying is you are getting attached to someone who's future is not as stable as other people, including u. *huge exhale* from the bottom of my heart, my bad lol. and then i probs wont ever get involved w. a s.o again, sorry to reference snk in 2020 but remember how e*win smith is single cuz he doesnt kno when he will ***? big mood. i have never acted out on my interests before but i was like ok for once lets go off the shits and do smth ooc, i uh... didnt expect for it to actually go anywhere tho so now im like ???? i shouldve thought it through more tho, like i felt low key irresponsible af and selfish and dumb for getting involved w. someone even tho i Know how I Am like...... Also i just lov being single and staying home and chilling alone lmao like i seriously...... never get loney....

ok so what was i talking abt? how the passage of time makes me nervous cuz idk how i can manage to keep up w it??? how i feel like i cant do jack shit???? that life is hard???? and maybe a bih just wants to rest? permanently?????? i think the most irritating part of all for me, like what i am most mad about at myself is that i have no dream. yikes. naruto, do u think thats sad? well yoongi said its okay, and what counts is just being happy, so i will console myself and forgive her and idk just try my best for the time being??

#.txt

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stuclyblrs · 5 years

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uhhhh hi s/o to me for never fucking posting this over the summer even tho i wrote it so here’s a very late “first year of college reflection that i put off for too long and now dont rmr everything i wanted to talk about” post :] even tho my first semester of soph year is almost done lolol so look out for another reflection post in two weeks or so

im gonna /try/ and organize this but i def i wanna do this for my own sake and as a good post to look back on when i graduate ya know :^) i do wish i had wrote a post first about my expectations but i didnt (((if ur curious before we dive into this post heres class reflections from first semester and heres second semester)))

now one thing i did have was a letter to ourselves that we were required to write for our cohorts so lets look at that a little !! jkjk i cant find it LMAO only thing i rmr from it tho was a gpa goal which i 100% did not meet first semester but my overall gpa for the year reached it so thats good :^) and i can tell i got happier based on what i do rmr

some college life/nyc life

i love it

thats all i really have to say

being in the city is soooo amazing i love just being able to walk everywhere and take public transport when going somewhere far (on a related note my car died so like jakgnj wont have that problem in a city!)

this is all on me tho but i didnt take advantage of living in nyc tho :((( the only time i went to a play is when my mom and aunt came to visit and i only went to one museum and that was the day i moved out cause i wasnt abt to leave without going to one skngeujkg

IM SO SOCIAL NOW !!!!! i didnt rly have any friends outside of school during high school so i never did anything but now !!! i have friends !!! rly good friends too and idk im just really lucky to have met them and a lot of it was just being in the right place at the right time kind of thing so !! if anything im the most social of my friend group lol im always trying to get everyone to do smth together but they never want to :((((

school itself

uhh okay so i am very mixed on this and i think i have more regrets than anything else sigh :/// i went in undecided like most ppl and in all honesty i came out even more lost and confused which (might start to get negative here sorry) is really frustrating and it makes me feel like i wasted a whole year :/// i just knew deep down before i began the year that i didnt want to study something non-stem and i let too many people convince me that i should go for something else and i listened to all of them......... i didnt hate the classes i was taking so it didnt ruin the year for me or anything but im just behind and lost that year to figure out /which/ path i want... given its harder to do stem majors in 3yrs im worried about making this big change in my life b/c what if i fail ??? what if i hate it ??? but im trying smth new and i just hope it works out

college itself tho....... infinitely better than high school. i knew in highschool that it was Bad but coming to college and then coming back home and hearing updates that were going on at my high school and just yeah....... pls it never really hit me just how restrictive high school was - we had two late night fire alarms in my dorm and it was like ??? we can just leave the area if we want ??? we dont have to stay nearby the dorm like how we had to stay with our classes during fires at school ??? idk it was a weird thought that hey, im in control of myself here and i like not having classes for 7hrs straight lmao - for my high school friends reading this i swear it gets better people werent lying about it

IN CONCLUSION idk what else to say lol cause i shouldve done this right when the semester ended.... but given that i was very sad when i moved out i think thats a sign that my first year was more good than it was bad and im just glad that im that im in the college that im in and that ive been having a mostly good experience

#college adventures #personal #LMAO LOOKING AT MY DRAFTS AND REALIZED I NEVER POSTED OOP #read at ur own enjoyment

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thesecretlifeofmerribethc · 5 years

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3.10-3.14.19

Yikes, realllllly slacking. Not in just updating my blog, but in my career stuff. Still proud of the small things though!

3.10.19 - Church! Service was good. It was short cuz dad had work but the message was good. After service I immediately sat down with tita Grace in the sanctuary and we just talked about marriage, relationships, and what tita Grace experienced at work this week (concerning visiting a friend of mine). Didn’t eat btw cuz we were so engrossed in talking. Ate some chicken and talked to tita connie for a little bit. Then I played with Rosita, Gabe and Mary Grace. After that we went homeee. Played Mario Party and still lost to Marvin lol Went to bed early lol But got to talk to dad on the phone from 12:40-1:00 am about cars before really shutting my eyes lol

3.11.19 - Happy Birthday Marvin!!! <33 Today, Marv turns 18 :’D Where did the time go? Woke up a bit late-ish. Didn’t get to greet Marv cuz he had school. Ate a light breakfast and then at around 3 got ready to pick up Marv and go to Leo’s. Manong couldn’t join us for dinner today because he had work and school. Anywho, mom, dad, manang and I picked up Marv and went straight to Leo’s on Telegraph near southland mall. Waited a bit in the parking lot for ne but then went inside to get a table. Sat down and maybe 10 minutes later Ne came. We ordered our food then ne told us that Toto was coming. Honestly I was so bummed when I heard that. Everyone was taken by surprised. She casually says, “Toto is coming. He’s on his way. He’s almost here” like it’s no big deal and proceeds to call him to ask for his order which takes like 6 minutes! Ends up ordering him a steak dinner. Anywho, it was just so awkward. No one was happy during the dinner, or at least manang, Marv and I. After Leo’s we went to the mall to walk it off and we just vented (Marv, manang and I) to each other at how disappointing that was. And also very rude. Like, Ne couldn’t have given us a heads up? And also, it’s Marvin’s birthday. He didn’t ask for him to come. Marv told us that that ruined the dinner. We all basically lost our appetites that day. Well whatever. Manang Marv and I didn’t buy anything at the mall other than some Froyo from Pinkberry. We also walked to Disc Replay but didn’t find anything. Went back to the car where dad was sleeping and about 20 minutes later mom comes and we leave (thank God). At home we took pics with Marvin, and then just sat around until Manong came home. Once manong came home we gave Marv his presents. He loved my toilet mug xD LOL He seemed a little disappointed at what he got (?) (Manang gave him Reese’s which was planned a long time ago when we bought it, but she bought Marv a game Capture that was on the hill so we couldn’t get it the day of), and manong got him Persona 5 on the PS4, and mom and dad got him $. lol After that I went to bed. Was so tired!

3.12.19 - Tuesday! Dad has work and everyone else lol. Got up and made dad’s shake, did some laundry, ironed dad’s uniform, and prepared dad’s lunch. Was gonna do the dishes but put them aside for later. Picked up Marv and manang then stopped by the hill so manang could get her gift that she ordered for Marv. Then went to Walmart in Woodhaven. Refilled the water jugs and got a few things but also picked up our online order for the other end of the bookshelf (since mom likes that as the TV stand rather than the IKEA one we got). Stopped by Ne’s to return some pots and pans but she didn’t answer her phone. Went home and I helped mom cut veggies for the pinakbet. Then I assebled the 2 box organizer and removed everything from the TV stand and bookshelf. After switching things up and then adding the legs on the IKEA stand, we decided (5 against 1) that the IKEA stand with the legs was wayyyyy better. Even Messenger video-chatted dad so he could see and tell mom not to complain xD LOL After that and putting the living room back the way it was, I washed dishes while mom watched SisterRakas or something with Vice Ganda and Ai Ai. Cooked rice then went to my room around 1 a.m. xP

3.13.19 - Wednesday. Gosh I’m typing these on Pi day (3.14) but I already can’t remember what I did yesterday O_O yikes....Ok, looking through my phone and I didn’t get up until 2:40 ish. Ate with the peeps, made dad’s shake and lunch, then drank some coffee while looking at cars with dad. Did some laundry and tidied a bit. Mom went to pick up manang and Marv. Cooked some eggs and hotdogs for the sibs once they got home as well as made salad. Oh also FB, Whatsapp and IG were down all day! Like you couldn’t refresh, post, like etc. Watched an Ai Ai movie with mom again (she becomes like the president of the Philippines lol) while manang and Marv were napping. Oh also manang gave marv her gift! He loved it! He just needs a better, faster computer now lol. Mom watched the sister Rakas movie again since she fell asleep last night. After that, took a little break, then watched “The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind” with mom, manang, and Marv and it was good! Ligo then bed!

3.14.19 - Woke up super early today! Like 7:25 lol Got ready and went with manong and Marv. Marv got dropped off to school and then manong drove us to Mcdonalds for breakfast. Had the breakfast burrito meals. Talked a bit and then made our way to the SOS at 8:50 and there was a line already outside (since it opens at 9). There were like 20 plus people in line. I was number 79 (I believe first number was 55). Didn’t take too long to get helped, but then I had to take the written test again xD Passed it tho! Then I had to go back in line. In all it took me 3 hours :P Manong also renewed his license to get the star! Apparently starting next year if your license doesn’t have the star yo won’t be able to board a plane O_O. Anywho, after the SOS I drove home. Btw I forgot to mention manong paid for the other half of my permit fee (it costs $25, I had $12.50 ❤️) I was pretty rusty but we made it. Once I got home I went to my room and tried to nap, but couldn’t until 1. Woke up at 2:45 ish and went downstairs. Mom and dad were in their rooms so I cooked myself egg and hotdog because i was starting to get cramps and needed to eat something before I can take the medicine. Did that, made dad’s shake, and then microwaved the heat bag since I was still hurting. Sat on the couch with a blanket and watched some youtube videos. Felt good after 15 minutes sitting on the couch. Mom and I then picked up Marv. Oh btw, I didn’t mention. Todays weather was so nice! Close to 60 degrees! But it was rainy though. Still nice. Tomorrow’s gonna be cold again :P. Anywho got Marv then got manang. Went to the Target on Ford Road cuz there was just traffic everywhere. Returned the letter “G” craft thing, bought popcorn then the 3 of us just sat at the cafe waiting for mom. I ordered a venti cloud iced caramel macchiato and it was good! A lot of foam though. The guy who made it was so nice to me. I asked him how his day’s been and he said “it’s good! How about yours?” and I said it was good, especially because of the weather. Then he asked for my name and I said Mary and he was like, “nice to meet you Mary” and I said “Nice to meet you too!” I shouldve asked his name SMH i’m a failure :(( Anyway after target we stopped by the Indian store then home. At home i added more fruit to the shake I saved for mom and drank that. Then I watched Nailed it - Mexico with manang and mom. After that we watched the musical parts from Hairspray. Then I ate corn beef and rice, with a boiled egg. After preparing mom’s stuff for the mango pie, I went to my room and ended up taking a nap lol. Woke up, washed my face and brushed my teeth, then tidied up my room. Now it’s 12:41 a.m. Have a dentist appointment tomorrow! Hope it doesn’t take long.

Life, I’m lovin’ it,

Bebet

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poeplepound · 7 years

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desr girlfriend

(the person im w rn is nonbinary so im gonna do the “dear datemate” one just bc i dont wanna misgender them Whoops - also , this is gonna be hard for me to post publicly but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ imma do it lol)

aaaaa!! i remember, back in last may i guess (maybe your last day of school) i wrote you a love letter and put a pablo neruda poem on the back of it and i made a mixtape but it didnt burn properly and didnt work but i didnt realize until after i gave it to you, and i felt really bad n inept bc of it but i think its okay its the thought that counts right? but anyway, ive wanted to write u another love letter since then, and i almost brought you one to choir tour but i didnt wanna have you read it and then see me every day for a week after that because im gay and get embarrassed easily (lol u kno) and i figure that i couldve given it to you at the airport on saturday before i left but yknow ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ im a dweeb and didnt think of that til nowim sorry i left the airport without saying a proper goodbye - evan was there and he was rushing me and i didnt know if your family would be there for you n reina and i didnt wanna get you in trouble and im sorry bc i shouldve said goodby at the gate before i went to baggage claim bc you deserved a real goodbye

ur in florida rn for zoo school stuff n im really really really excited for you bc you deserve to do cool ass shit like that that’ll make u happy !!!! and the clothes u got for zoo school are really cute too and i love them and i love you and just !! aa !!

benji uve honestly ,,, gee , you n me have gone through some shit i guess u could say, and ive gone through so many nights of screaming crying into friend’s bedsheets because i find myself feeling like i hate you, like when i found out you were with eugene and like when you didnt say hi to me at rrr and all those times i would message u being clingy and annoying even though i knew we couldnt talk , like , ill feel like i hate you and then ill hate myself for feeling like that bc even though things have been really bad, youre still the one person that makes me happiest and the one person i love the most

you make me happy flap and literally Nothing else does and just, everything about you is incredible and intriguing and lovely and ethereal and i just ! wish you were happier and had more good things in your life and i wish things werent how they are bc i wanna see you and i wanna hold ur hand and watch tangled together and i just ):

i think i mostly want things to be like they used to be? i want your mom n me to be able to talk like we did at tijuana garage in april last year about teachers who are weirdly into occult films and when she jokingly said i should move into ur house bc i notice where earbuds are and when we last let the dogs out and i wish things were how they were when reina first asked if we were dating bc were bad at hiding it and i wish i could lay with you and be your blanket like in that hotel room on tour and i just wish being with you was easier because i love you and loving you is so easy for me and thats incredible

#q #this is Really gay #gee #benjo

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