#i too relate to the desperate need for catharsis

[ghosts-and-glory]

Imma be honest, Narinder deserved purgatory more than his siblings. I'm glad you gave him the fate he deserves, and I'm excited to see what horrifying abomination had taken his place in the cult. (I desperately hope it's Nothing There from Lobotomy Corporation, but that's wishful thinking lol.)

I’m sorry bestie but I’m not the Nari anti you think I am, I just like putting my faves through the horrors™️

In writing tragedy I want moments of catharsis. Narinder is a character destroyed by his own actions and punished beyond human comprehension. I don’t have a desire to write his infinite torture, more to play with the questions the post game leaves me with. I honestly can’t help but read the stories Narinder and his siblings as one of tragedy, where they are ripped apart by their flaws and reduced to play things in the cult.

Honestly what we know about the crown bearers there’s an argument to be made that Narinder has committed the least atrocities. His ass is the only one who hasn’t done a war crime in facilitating a genocide against the lambs. We are never given in cannon what he did to get banished or how the betrayal went so I can only theorize on the severity of his past actions. The conclusion I have come to based on mostly his, ??? (Mystic seller or whatever you call it, to me it’s Kevin) and Shamura’s dialogue is that he did something to attempt to reverse the natural order of things, mostly like relating to death.

I’m gonna ramble cause I’ve been chewing at the bit waiting to be asked about my au. There’s also some art under the cut. Hehe hoho I’ll be so normal with my interests.

Going into my au, that I really really need to name, The Lamb executes Narinder after he’s defeated. Partly for revenge, for their dead family and for damning them to serve the crown, but at the same time they feel empathy for him, as a servant of death they know that to die is to rest. What The Lamb did not forsee was that killing Narinder would damn him to purgatory just as it did his siblings.

I have a early concepts of, who I’ve affectionately dubbed Not-Narinder, with Purged Narinder.

I don’t wanna divulge too many details on my plans for the au, but Narinder does eventually end up in the cult. After two thousand years in service of the crown, another thousand years in chains, and then a hundred years in purgatory stripped of his senses. To some level the cult grounds are its own prison but does he not deserve a chance to carve out his own life? I will however tease a half written script and doodle of The Lamb and Narinder’s conversation after he’s freed of purgatory.

Unfortunately for me my thoughts and plans for the au go back thousands of years before the plot of the game and then another few thousand years after. It’s like the Star Wars timeline, as in its a big mess.

#cult of the lamb #cult of the lamb narinder #cult of the lamb au #my art #my post #I think he’s fucked up in a endearing kinda way #Tw blood #Tw gore #no devotion au #ask

[shinesurge]

So I recently started (and caught up on) Kidd Commander and while a lot of it jives real good with the chips I have on my own shoulders re: experiences with organized religion, nothing hit me so hard as Agatha desperately wanting to hold on to her anger because at least it was HERS.

And she gets to!! She gets to stay mad and she gets to be Not Nice and she gets to break the hand of the fucker who snaps to get her attention like she's a dog! And it is. SO Cathartic.

So thank you for that.

I'm so glad to hear this, thanks so much for sharing!! I struggle a lot myself with relating to angry characters who, if they even GET decent development, their "redemption arc" (because for-real-angry characters are almost always villains who need one) usually ends up with them having to give it up entirely because nobody knows how to reconcile that into a Marketable Personality, I guess? Or having to always be the "bigger person" or whatever when they're given the chance for catharsis. It's like even in fiction victims are only allowed to have power fantasies as long as they prove they're not actually a threat to anyone first, I hate it lol

I really want to avoid that kind of thing in KC, it would be super disappointing to boast that I'm writing mentally ill characters dealing with difficult shit then file off all the sharp edges of that whenever it's not cute so nobody has to think too hard about what it means. We can get that literally anywhere else already, I don't want my work to be another hurtful experience for others in the same boat lmao. Anger isn't a moral failing everybody needs to Overcome, it's a natural response to injustice that has its place in recovery like every other emotion.

#i really appreciate this i'm so glad that bit meant something to you

[thecyberrecord]

I'm dealing with vaccination aftermath, which is much worse this time than any of the others that I can remember, so I figured I'd use Werewolf for some catharsis and relating, as I'm wont to do, and something to distract myself with. Also I guess I should finally learn how to use Tumblr. The body aches along with what I'd normally describe as the sensation of brain zaps, but in my entire body, the aching joints, the lung aches, the crackles of nerves, the ceaseless headache, gnawing fatigue, the oversensitivity to touch where even light contact feels like foil on teeth. I'm used to most of this because of my chronic health issues, but it's all turned up in intensity beyond my usual threshold right now. It's not as intense as the Bite, but It reminds me of it all the same.

It reminds me of when I was writing up a character I played too-briefly. They were the first Bitten character I'd played, and it was partly to challenge my initial frostiness to the concept of the Bite and the Bitten. I don't exactly remember why I started off with a low approval rating for it, it might have just been "a new thing? a CHANGE to my perfectly ordered schema??? [Weaver intensifies]" or a feeling like things were just being tossed in arbitrarily. There were a number of changes to the status quo in White Wolf's Mind's Eye Theater Werewolf: The Apocalypse, and I had a kneejerk wariness to all of that. (The book is so massive (759 pages cover to cover!) that the physical copy that I lent to my ST use for the LARP tore itself from its spine under its own weight, even while being carried around in a laptop bag thing to better support it, in the first week or two of use.)

But after some adjustment time and getting to play the system, it ended up being my favorite edition of Werewolf. Aside of a few things here and there (like the spirits), it felt like a much improved system, the in-world social changes and new factional arrangement I hadn't entirely agreed with the decisions of, but I found it stimulating to explore anyway (when are things ever neatly, perfectly decided, anyway? World of Darkness isn't exactly about playing in an already-ideal world) and I like how it breathed fresh life and bonds and conflicts into the political tapestry of the Garou Nation.

I especially like how the Bitten gave me a new avenue of Otherness to identify with and explore in the setting. Being Othered even within Othered communities is something I relate to, and I enjoy digging into that within the framework of the game. I did so with Aidan Abbett, Dead Drop.

Glyphname for Dead Drop, Homid (Bitten) Ragabash Glass Walker, in road paint. (It's in yellow because Dead Drop is a loading zone only, they have places to be.) Composed of 'Hidden/Conceal', 'New Moon/Trickery', 'Help', and the 'Creator' emphatics that are often used to denote a personal name. Hidden help and the discreet exchange of it. Dead Drop is the name they earned from their Fostern challenge, and this glyphname also works for their word-play Cliath name, which also serves as their general human-world name, Aidan Abbett.

Image background and manipulated elements are from a photo by Possessed Photography and used in accordance with this license.

The exploration of the trauma of the Bite relating to my own personal experiences with health and breakdown, while still having that sort of "traditional" Homid-born Garou experience of being transformed from a relative fragile creature into something wildly resilient, and that juxtaposition of being taken apart and broken over the course of a month to emerge as something nigh indestructible yet also left viscerally damaged and off-putting to the "real Garou"... all of that gave me an appreciation of the additional story tools that the Bitten afforded to Werewolf. Dead Drop was a lot of fun and had a lot of onion layers that I didn't have the time to really cut into too deeply with them because the game came to an end, with staff desperately needing a break, so this character will definitely have a reprise at some point.

#WerewolfTheApocalypse #WtA #werewolf characters #queer characters

[sunstranded]

INTJ: Urges

I don't know if it's an introvert (in general) or introverted intuition dominant urge or something specific to INTJ but I've been having 2 urges: 1) create and perfect my own system; 2) deleting everything I've said or made that I no longer want to be associated with.

By system, if I were to specify or relate a real world thing to it, possibly something similar to Plato's or Nietzsche's work that doesn't end up in the self-help section of a bookstore.

There is this appeal to be so clear and concise in your manner of writing that kills philosophy for me (yes, I am that type of INTJ). It might be because I value interpretation, pluralism, and pragmatic effect of words more than being logically true. Stereotypically that's more INFJ but I don't have this inherent need to consider what the majority or what others value nor percision/accuracy of my meaning (which is very Fe-Ti). I want something useful but formless. I prefer it when philosophy was liberated and untamed. I did not enjoy analytical philosophy because of the desperate attempt to establish some correctness for the sake of clarity.

I don't like that. There's a beauty in miscommunication. There's something inherently poetic with the journey of understanding something your own way or understanding someone in their work amidst the fog of stylistic writing. There's something so timeless about it. Writing a string of words that is true no matter where, when, and what has this empowering and liberating feel to it.

That is where my love-hate relationship with philosophy teeters towards hating it. The enforced standard in thought. It kills it. That's when Plato said writing will be the end of philosophical discourse. I believe he is right. That is the curious case of the obvious. When things are taken at face value because they are so clear, philosophical discourse is left for the crazy and overthinking.

I understand the use of such a standard, which makes me hate it more. The purpose is to have a guide to tell you where you can improve. But the means of using metrics to gauge that is all the more annoying. I'd rather have someone grill my ideas in verbatim than a silent grade on a paper.

Moreover, I am glad that generative AI had caused people to distrust written work and require that verbatim interaction again. Granted, those can be draining but in a way it's exhilarating. It tells me in a sensory manner that makes sense to me that this is what I could work on, this is the part I could improve.

Anyway, that's enough catharsis and declaration of my qualms for one post. Moving on to the other urge: deleting everything that is now irrelevant.

I think it's of the INTJ-brand to seem so assured and certain that you're probably irrefutable or can no longer be convinced. I think we just come off as such because of our delivery, expression, and the obvious thoughtfulness in what we say. Despite that, there is still generous room to hear out others and understand better.

This is why I want to delete a lot of things I used to say but no longer agree with. It feels like clutter I don't need to see or remember. I've been told by several to keep it so I can remember where I am now and appreciate my growth. They're sometimes right but I find myself appreciating my present self by looking at my present or latest work.

Whenever I see some post I wrote just months ago I think I die a bit inside. It's not cringe, I'm too based for that. I think it's the blatant reminder that I could have done better at that time. I should have known better. It's the golden ticket for the Ni-Fi loop for me. I hate it.

also it was great advice to brain dump my ideas in several different media, it's a catharsis I never knew I'd need.

#mbti #16 personalities #intj

[just-a-carrot]

Hey, Carrot!

I think you will be very happy to hear that I find Iggy immensely relatable. I don't know if you know what "kinning" is, but I think he may be my top kin.

I relate to a lot of things about him. Like, his social anxiety, his reclusive ways, and his struggles with feeling like there's something wrong with him/he's a burden/he needs to "earn" other people's love and respect by doing things for them. It doesn't help that I'm also bi, aspec, a nerd and a coder sjsishejnejsje... 💦

With all of this considered, I find myself very happy when Iggy, both in universe and in fandom, is so loved and accepted. It makes me feel that maybe I'm not as weird or hopeless as I think I am? That there's other people like me out there, and they're capable of doing great stuff, so maybe I'm capable of doing great stuff too!

...With all of that being said, when do I get my own love square of immensely loveable but morally questionable babes? (/J)

THIS IS SO SWEET 😭💕 My eyes got very moist reading this ahhhHHHHH...

I literally want to cry knowing that people can relate to and love and accept Iggy.

Maybe because there's so much of me in him too. Because I use him to sort through a lot of my own issues and find a bit of catharsis. So maybe it's also a bit selfish of me to put him in a position where he's the one getting loved.

WELL OK I ALSO TORTURE HIM A LOT TOO SO MAYBE THERE'S A LOT OF MY OWN MENTAL SELF-BERATEMENT GOING ON THERE TOO DLKAJFSLKDA

b-b-but... I don't know... it's selfish but it's also very cathartic on my part to be able to make a story where sure, iggy is forced to learn a lot and get better and figure himself out, but also other people actually make concessions for him, for once too. and he's able to still find love and acceptance in spite of everything. particularly the ace aspect because that's something i've struggled a lot with over the years but also just everything, all his own insecurities, his general oddness, yet there are still those who desperately want to give him love

and if there are others who relate to him strongly and can also feel some catharsis and love and acceptance and hope from everything he goes through, too, then that just honestly fills me with so much joy 💕

"With all of that being said, when do I get my own love square of immensely loveable but morally questionable babes?" -> WEEPING LAKDJFALDKFAD well you've gotta find yourself a magical tree in the middle of the woods first ig... 🤣🤣🤣

#ow: asks #my heart is squishing

[dismemberment-on-a-tuesday-night]

Seasons in the Sun chapter two

Whumptember day 15. Whumpee's diary

TW: anxiety, blood, insomnia, arranged marriage, monarchy, vampire whumpee, human whumper, human caretaker

Slava tossed and turned in his bed, something deep within his spirit refusing him the catharsis of sleep. He would need his wits about him in the coming days, so this newfound insomnia filled him with dread. There was nothing in this world he longed for more than sleep, unless his wedding could be permanently called off.

He tried to determine what was causing his discomfort, but came to no conclusive answer. After changing his position and adjusting his blankets over and over again, he was forced to accept that it was anxiety alone that plagued him, and no physical ailment could be blamed.

After nearly an hour of forcing himself to lie in bed, sleep refusing to touch him, Slava threw off his heavy covers. If he could not rest, then he may as well do something productive. Laying in bed seemed truly useless, and was doing nothing to help him process his fears.

He sat down at his desk, far too alert for such a late hour, surely high noon. He wished to check the state of the moon, and take a gander at what time it really was. But for as long as the sun was in the sky, he would have to remain oblivious. After a moment to consider what he ought to spend his time doing, he pulled his diary from one of the drawers.

Really, he should have made a record of his fate yesterday. But the notion had escaped him until now. He found the page he had left off on, and dipped a feather quill in the inkwell sitting on his desk. All his worries from the previous day seemed so frivolous. How could he have bickered with his sister, when it was only a matter of weeks until their contact was to be permanently severed?

Slava began to write a new entry in his diary, hoping to banish the fear from his mind and seal it to the page, trapped within the black ink.

Dear diary, it is nearly noon when I am writing this. I have not been able to sleep throughout this entire day, despite how desperately I need to. My head feels as though it were filled with stinging nettles instead of brains. My father has given my hand in marriage to the King of Tkosuut, and I fear for my life. My mother has assured me that I will not be harmed, and that this will help to secure relations between vampires and humans. But that does not change the fact that I am being banished to a nation where vampires are killed on sight. I may be safe at first, but if I lose favor with my husband, it will be straight to the gallows. How did it ever come to this?

Slava's tears stained the pages of his diary, and he quickly shut it so as not to ruin his written words. He could not bear to lose what was sure to be the sole record of his life, even if he never allowed another soul to read it, for fear of them gaining access to the innermost crevices of his mind, and using his own hopes and fears against him.

He crawled back into bed, determined to lay there until he fell asleep, or sunset harkened a new night. But breathing exercises only kept him from hyperventilating, instead of lulling him into sleep as was his intention. It was just as well, for sleep surely would bring on some night terror or other. And Slava was in no mood to deal with any childish bad dream.

One of the servants, Ilya, brought him breakfast at a little past sunset. Or rather, Ilya was breakfast. But Slava didn't like thinking about it in such a way. It seemed so rude. The matter of how he was supposed to get blood after his marriage bothered him, but he chose to leave that anxiety for another day.

"How did you sleep?" Ilya asked, sitting beside Slava on his bed.

Slava rubbed his eyes. "Not well. Did you hear what happened? Oh, of course you did. You hear everything."

Ilya smiled. "Congratulations on the engagement. Your husband-to-be is a very lucky man."

Slava forced himself to smile, something he was sure to do plenty of over the course of his engagement period, not to mention the years to come after it. He had practiced fake happiness his entire life, and that surely would serve his best interests. Breakfast was an orderly affair, as always.

Slava carefully numbed Ilya's wrist before biting into it, careful not to spill his blood on the blankets. Ilya sat perfectly still throughout the whole affair, waiting patiently for Slava to seal the wound and dismiss him.

Slava longed for the true company of another. But who to seek it from? Not Ilya, for he was only a servant. And not Slava's older siblings, as they faced much the same fate, and there was no point in causing them fear. Slava's parents would never understand, nor would they offer him any comfort.

So, he was meant to suffer in silence, playing his part without a single soul to confide in. Hadn't this always been the way of things?

Taglist: @hugh-lauries-bald-spot @whumpsday @whumpshaped @heavenlyeden @thecyrulik @bloodinkandashes

#Abraham original: Hot off the press #Whumptember2023 #Whumptember day 15 #Whumpee's diary #Royal whump #whump writing #Seasons in the sun

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

(oml okay so I know you answered my Great Ace Attorney ask like. three weeks ago at this point, but I'm finally getting around to writing a response. I hope you remember what you talked about or can find that ask again alskdfgjfkd I'm so sorry-) First of all, OLIVE IS SUCH A GREAT FAVORITE CHARACTER YOU HAVE IMMACULATE TASTE!!! I felt SO bad for her oh my god, the moment where she tried to poison herself... holy shit it hit. it hit so hard, it's probably one of the darkest and most depressing moments in the game (and lord knows there's so much heavy shit in this game). 💔 TGAA does a lot of subversions from the main AA series, but I loved how she was an (attempted) culprit but also her "victim" was a culprit as well... it's utterly fascinating, I loved what they did with her character and 2-2 in general. She's one of the most realistic and grounded and subtle characters in the game imo, like she feels so normal: she's depressed, and she's bitter, and hateful, but not too hateful, and still sweet despite all of that... I loved her a lot, I want to give her a hug 😭🥹💔 the scene where she thanks Ryuu for helping her get closure was so touching, it made me cry. 💚 I was also really fascinated by her relationship with Shamspeare, or at least his reaction to her, considering that he didn't have any idea of her existence until the trial (I love him too, he's SUCH an interesting character)?? Idk I just think there's so much potential for their interactions post-series, though to be fair I say that about so many characters in this game alsdfjgkfld there's just so much juicy potential for character dynamics... Susato and Yuujin are DEARS, I love them so much 😭🥹💖 It makes me really sad we don't get practically any Susato & Kazuma & Yuujin family content.... I'm forever mad that their (+ Ryuu's) grief over his assumed death is so glossed over, I really feel like Kazuma desperately needed more screentime in the second game where he was allowed to just... be more vulnerable around them and get some sort of emotional catharsis, instead of just being his emo self the whole time :' ) 🫠 it's not bad by any means, I just think he needed so much more. Cause YEAH, his breakdown fucked me up too, it's my favorite scene of his cause it's really the only scene where we get a true taste of how much pain he's bottling up inside UGH. We needed more Mikotoba family scenessssss (seriously, Yuujin doesn't even react at all to hearing that he's alive again and it pisses me off!!! Like that's his adopted son of his dead best friend!!!)

(re: Kazuma though, my favorite Kazuma relationship is actually him and Nikomina from 1-2, or rather, hypothetical relationship. I wrote a fic about them actually lol I just want them to be brother and sister so bad okay :' ) maybe it makes no sense to anyone other than me lol but I need her to know he's aliiiiiive 😭🥺 he treated her so kindly... my heart)

Barok is wonderful, by far my favorite of the main characters and imo has the best written arc of them. He needs a damn HUG and we were robbed of seeing him smile at the end 😭💔 he makes my heart ache godddddd. Van Zieks brothers make me weep. Barok and Iris make me weep *sobs*

As for Graydon...... ahaha how do I even describe it. To be honest my thoughts on him could fill an entire essay; I'm actually responsible for a lot of posts and content about him on tumblr prior to the release of the localization a;lsdfjgkfdls (though under his Japanese name, Rupert Chrogray, which I prefer because I'm a snob lol), he occupied my brain for at least a year after I played the first game, and I still love him to death. He's just a really, really beautiful and complex character to me despite only being in one case... his story is so incredibly tragic, but realistic, and relatable, and so sympathetic to me, not to excuse his actions but he really does break my heart so, so much. I love the hints of characterization we get with him and his father, with him and the brothers, and I also ADORE thinking about his potential relationship with Gina, because they're foils to each other. I think he has SO MUCH POTENTIAL for a redemption arc after the first game, because imo he really is not a bad person deep down, and could change for the better if he's just given the chance to. I just love him sooooo much, I've written a few fics about him lol and I've delved into the Japanese fan content for him because I just need so much more alsdjfgkfld, he's such a beautiful character to me; he's so human, and flawed, and contradictory, but contradictory in a way that makes so much sense and is so well executed. Honestly he could have his own game/media all on his own imo, that's how powerfully well-written he is in such a short amount of time.

And OMG THAT ART OF IRIS AND KYOUKA IS SO ADORABLE AND WHOLESOME, thank you for drawing it 😭🥺💖🐇 my precious girls ✨

HI I'M SO SORRY. I read this ages ago and then just. Never responded. I have no idea why.

I totally agree that one of the things that makes Chronicles so fun is the way you only get a little of most of the trial-only characters, and yet there's so much there as a foundation to play around with! Olive is a great example of that! I love that you wrote about Nikomina and Graydon! I checked out the Nikomina one but still need to go through your Chrogray stories; I'm sure they're just as good a read :)

I really love it when people enjoy the minor or one-off characters. Nikomina really should get to know that Kazuma lived... that'd be a world of guilt off her shoulders, poor girl. It was an accident... I stick to my headcanon that Sholmes told her at some point.

I do agree that the second game kind of was a whirlwind. I imagined a lot of stuff was happening off-screen that we didn't see, especially with regards to the lingering grief concerning Kazuma. I do kind of wish we'd gotten a little less mystery over Yuujin and a little more just getting to be around the man and getting to know him. His story was just really impactful to me. I adore him so much.

I also have some mixed feelings regarding leaving Kazuma somewhat alone in London without his friends at the end of the game... while I don't really see how else it could've ended (it's more realistic; they can't stay in London forever; Kazuma was the one actually supposed to be on exchange), I can't help but feel concerned over him having very little support after a major breakdown/situation that exposed nearly all of his trauma, and still pretty much on that single-minded drive, just in a different, slightly healthier direction (so he can find himself/challenge Naruhodou). I'll be honest, it's now been awhile since I've played the game and I played it late at night so I don't actually recall the ending in detail - it's possible there's something I forgot about here that changes the context a little. I mean, at least we know Sholmes and Iris are going to look out for him...

Also I am a firm believer in post-canon Kazuma and Van Zieks worsties. They can't forgive each other, they begrudgingly understand each other, they can trust the other with pursuing justice, they are petty little shits to each other...

I also like the idea of Sholmes looking out for Kazuma in his own annoying way, and just coming across as... annoying, lol, while Iris keeps finding reasons to "mysteriously" cross paths with Van Zieks, so he cannot shake this weird, genius little pink child. The doors to the prosecutor's office open and the both of them just go "oh no", and then glare at each other because how dare they have the same thought at the same time ahjsbfvsjdfh

Anyways. They're funny to me. Part of me is happy where the story leaves off, and part of me wants a Kazuma Asougi Investigations game, with Van Zieks, Gina, Sholmes, and Iris. (...I actually came up with a rough outline for that very concept... it's a bit self-indulgent though and I have enough projects started... maybe I'll get to it someday... it's actually more like parallel Kazuma-Susato investigations lol)

Sorry again for this woefully delayed response... :/

#thanks for the ask! #tgaa #dgs #dgs spoilers #tgaa spoilers #storyrambles

[squishychickies]

I just finished reading as waves sweep to the shore and it was great!! They are so fucked up!! I love them for it!! The relationship building was fantastic and I cried happy tears during the painting scene!! Of course I cried a lot during this from many emotions but the happy tears are uncommon from me. My favorite moment was when Jason told himself that they were both allowed to be fucked up volatile. It showed effort and love and was amazing!! The memories from before were great and added a lot of depth to Jason’s grief. God Bruce was the worst in this. It made worse because I know enough to have a vague idea of what he was thinking and he sucks so much here. Dick asking to come home made me take several moments to pull myself into some kind of order. I also started bawling when Dick relates too hard to the frog. Jason finding him was magnificent!! The catharsis was real and what I needed desperately!! The ending scene was everything I didn’t know I needed and was so loving. I love this and will be rereading this anytime I want a full emotional journey!

Thanks so much for this, I really appreciate all the love! I’m so glad my story was impactful to you ❤️

[taylorthrift]

Hi, SwiftiePride anon again, hope you're having a great Tuesday! I'm glad to be getting to know you. 😊 I'd love to hear more about some of your favorite songs on 1989 and folklore! What are some of the most meaningful lyrics to you? What are your top 5 (or 10 or 13 or whatever number you want haha) Taylor songs of all time? They don't need to be from those two albums. 😊 Have a good week!!!!!! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜💖

I am so sorry I haven't responded to this yet. It's been a very busy week for me which is 'new' to me having been in a deep depressive slump for 6 years.

I'm not sure you want an essay on this so i'll try not to be as BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH as I normally am!

I was tangentially a Taylor Swift fan pre 1989. I liked singles, sang along to them. When Red came out was when I really started to pay attention (the pop sounds are more my taste certainly) but it wasn't just the pop that got me it was the riveting storytelling. WANEGBT is such a fun romp of a music video-which leads me to 1989.

Shake it Off: I was in my 30s when Shake it Off came out and it was such a great time, watching it take over and be played EVERYWHERE. It was not just an earworm, but (along with the video) made Taylor into a fool for herself. She was so totally self effacing that it made everyone fall in love with her and the music. She recognized herself as a clown-and the media's obsession with her was the circus. I have a whole essay that I came to tumblr to write about initially about how as a result of learning how to do this myself my job title literally got to be "Rockstar" (I worked as an IT Director at a national non profit)

Welcome to New York: An underrated song of the experience of moving to new york (something I too had done in my early 20s)

Blank Space: A brilliant satire and feminist critique of the narrative the world had built around her. A banger to boot. (And more making fun of her self) For years this was my favorite Taylor Swift song.

Style: Probably the sexiest song I know. The lines alone don't do it justice, but the way she sings "He said what you heard is true but I, can't stop thinking about you, and I, I say i been there too a few times" Is some deeply passionate relatable real romance. This wasn't the fairytale romance of "love story" this was people with chemistry who keep trying other things and keep being drawn back to each other. This wasn't just sex, this was magnetism and the tone she incants with it is so evocative.

Clean: Catharsis. A song that relates to addiction of any kind. "so i punched a hole in the roof" was more powerful than the climax any show or series i'd watched or read. It breaks me every time. It is the perfect end to the album.

(weird coincidence time: Wonderland was what I called the world that my boyfriend and I had built together as a safe retreat from the world. I have always had an Alice in Wonderland obsession, i have a whole spot in my house filled with Alice dolls and books. I bought this house because it had a cool display cabinet built into the front hall. I joined this fandom (april 14th) after breaking up with my boyfriend (on april 8th a few hours before the rumors about taylor and joe breaking up reached me) and losing my 'Wonderland'...I did not know literally, honestly till april 20th of this year that Taylor had a Wonderland on 1989. And then-as i was reeling from this information-the next night Taylor did Wonderland as her secret song.)

Wait I think I have failed at not writing an essay somehow.

Folklore is ...really raw for me right now? I have trouble thinking about it or talking about it because so much of my relationship is bound up in me using those songs to communicate how i was feeling with my ex.

Mirrorball was our love song though. A sad tragedy of me always spinning for him-desperate to keep his attention. It's beautiful but it's a terrible fate to always be working for the attention of one person and they're not working to get yours.

... :(

which is i guess where Hoax comes in. he never cheated on me-just, had lots of other stuff going on and didn't have as much time for me as I had for him? I was everything to him by words-but by actions and where he spent his time and how he spent his time....it was a faithless love and i desperately was begging him for a reason to stay in the relationship.

and Peace: I am a tormented woman. I have incredible gifts and love and sincerity in abundance, but my depression takes and takes and takes. There is no happy ending with me-there is little comfort to be found. And I could give love forever and never love myself.

i um

#fixed? guh sorry #it double posted or something #swiftie pride

[marshmallea]

light and shadow: a photo essay

As the great philosopher Aristotle once said, art is meant to lead to catharsis, in which an intense emotion is released. In relation to this and the wise words of Schopenhauer, another inspiring philosopher, about suffering, I wish to express the muddy pile of thoughts, feelings, and emotions that have built up over the years as a result of the continuous decline in my mental health through photos that I have taken and edited myself. Each photo is intended to encapsulate a particular emotion that arose in the midst of my mental health struggles, and together, they essentially make up the state of my mind. It all started towards the end of my first year of high school; having become a victim of bullying, my mental health took a drastic turn for the worse along with my self-perception, both of which have resulted into the spiral that I see myself in to this very day.

Path to Nowhere

For a long time, I have always known that there was something wrong with me. It is a result of my deteriorating mental health that I have developed self-destructive habits. People do not normally second guess themselves or their decisions at every turn, nor do they let out tears and break down over almost every problem. It is not normal for somebody to belittle oneself so much after every mistake, nor is it normal for them to often wish that they could simply disappear. I am fully aware that there is a deep-rooted problem within me, but at the same time, it is something I feel incredibly powerless over. No matter how much I recognize that I need to overcome this problem or what I attempt to get out of this hopeless state of mine, everything feels futile, hence this tunnel. It is a dim and empty place, with no definite end. Lit by these two single fixtures, I know the path I am headed towards. It feels almost useless, however, as there does not seem to be any end to this, no escape, no final destination whatsoever. Lost in this endless tunnel, what is the use of a light? What is the use of self-awareness on this path to nowhere?

Why Aren’t You Happy?

“Just think positive thoughts! Stop being so negative all the time.” I have heard this way too many times, whether it be from my family or my friends. If happiness was a tangible object, I would desperately reach towards it in an attempt to grab it for myself. If I could just choose to be happy and ignore my problems, I would never look back. If only happiness was so easy to attain, I thought to myself countless times. Happiness, to me, is experiencing joy and contentment even in the midst of whatever life throws at us. Perhaps it is because of the way I view happiness that I feel like I can never see myself in this state, but I have been able to experience happiness during these years of anguish, be it in small bits. I can enjoy whatever is in the moment; I can enjoy spending time with family or friends and on my interests. When I say I wish I could simply choose happiness, I refer to being happy with the person that I am. Sure, I can be content in the moment, content with my family, friends, and the things that I love, but can I ever experience happiness with who I am as a person? Despite my accomplishments as a student, an aspiring artist, and an overall person, there seems to be nothing that can make me look at myself and think, wow, maybe I am content with the person I am after all. Perhaps it is because of these impossibly high standards I have for myself that I can never be happy with the person I am. Like this ferris wheel in this photo, prolonged happiness feels so close yet so far; there are definite barriers to this kind of happiness that I want for myself, barriers that I cannot seem to overcome.

All but Void

While I am capable of experiencing short bits of happiness with the people and things I love, there is an emptiness inside me that feels impossible to fill. Experiencing this emptiness confused me at first because I did not know where exactly it first came from. My life is certainly not uneventful either; I live with my family who want to enjoy the finer things in life and study a course in college that I was once am passionate about along with friends who are supportive and overall great to be around. I did not know if I have simply become numb to everything after all that has happened to me: bullying, betrayal, abandonment, and whatnot, or if being totally unhappy with who I am has just resulted into losing the ability to truly feel fulfilled by anything else. Perhaps it is the way I have viewed my life and thus have been living it. I have only come to realize this feeling recently that all this time, I have been viewing life as this endless struggle. With this perspective on life came this mindset that I have to overcome and survive everything that life throws at me. I cannot even see myself in the future or simply think about it because I am always wondering whether or not I can get past this present obstacle alive. Constantly doubting myself and my abilities and living life on what I call “survival mode” may have led me to losing enjoyment for the smaller yet sweeter things in life, hence this perpetual emptiness. This emptiness within me feels most prominent when the people around me talk about their philosophies. I cannot help but feel vulnerable as getting asked about my own perspective on life leads to me seeing myself again as this hollow shell. I feel as if this picture I took of Las Vegas at night perfectly reflects this emptiness I feel because it captures the duality of it all. Rather than the bright and bustling City of Lights in this photo, I find myself resonating with the clear night sky in this photo.

Your Shadow

This photo is meant to clearly illustrate the way I view others in comparison to myself through the use of height, light, and shadow. Looking down on myself while putting the people around me on such a high pedestal, I see myself as nothing more than a shadow cast by the bright light of others. It is difficult for me to see the good in myself, and yet it is so easy to do it when it comes to other people. Every time I look at myself, I always wish that I could look better or do better. I used to think I looked pretty, but I have come to dislike my own physical appearance, nitpicking on the details such as the acne on my face, the blemishes on my skin, the loose and frizzy strands of hair, or the numbers on the scale. It is hard for me to choose outfits to wear or a style that I would like because I usually do not think I look good in anything. I used to think I was artistic until I saw the works of others and realized my lack of artistic improvement over the years. If I fail at something or do it in such a way that I am unsatisfied with, my immediate reaction is to feel bad and further belittle myself. I cannot tolerate myself if I make even the smallest mistakes; the more mistakes I make at once, the more probable it is for me to break down. It is essentially because of how much I hate myself that I will never be able to see myself as equal to my peers. As much as I had tried to hammer it into my head, I cannot seem to believe that as a person, I am just as worthy as everybody else and therefore deserve to be treated the same way everybody else is. No matter what I do or tell myself, all I feel like is but a shadow trailing along behind everybody else.

Nothing Lasts Forever

Unlike the other photos, this picture focuses on capturing a natural light, the leftover light of a sunset before complete nightfall. Despite everything that I have talked about up until this point, I am still capable of feeling good about everything and even myself; it just never lasts long. I would not say that these last few years consisted entirely of suffering as there were times when I realized I had grown or experienced some sort of happiness. There are short but sweet moments in my life where I enjoy everything around me, from the people around to the atmosphere of it all where I can finally clear my head, but just as the sun goes down to make way for the night, these times are easily overshadowed by my state of overall emptiness and depression. I tend to forget these small victories or my small efforts to overcome this problem of mine, like when I finally accomplish big tasks or go out of my way to hang out with friends despite preferring to be alone, but this small voice tells me that I should not. I have been told by friends and family alike that I need to enjoy life as it is, to stop stressing over every single thing, and as much as I struggle, I am trying my very best to despite all the difficulties I am encountering. These attempts, however, are also easily forgotten as I continue to criticize myself and the way I take on everything. While all good things come to an end, I want to keep holding onto the small moments of happiness that help me keep going in life. Even when it gets bad again, I want to keep holding onto this small but slowly growing hope that maybe things will get better, and I will be able to, one day, make the first, small steps towards self-acceptance if I continue to make the effort to. Perhaps the saying that nothing lasts forever can also apply to even the suffering that I have been through for the past few years.

Having been able to express the key ideas and emotions that have plagued my mind for years, like the sadness, emptiness, frustration, self-hatred, and the like, through photos was truly a cathartic experience. Usually such mental health struggles are stigmatized in today’s society, telling us that we need to immediately purge such emotions to make way for positivity and productivity, but sometimes, what we really need is to truly feel it all. We need to give ourselves the time and space to get in touch with, process, and understand the emotions that we feel, especially the ones that are deemed negative, all of which is what catharsis gives us the opportunity to do. Allowing ourselves to process our emotions and let them out will help us come to peace with them, with us ultimately feeling better in the end. While I am still going through a tough time, it is thanks to this cathartic experience that I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. I hope that if anybody ever sees this, there is somebody out there who can relate to the intense emotions that I have experienced and let out.

[a-bse-n-t]

DIFFERENT

The insignificance of people who are different is too great. Even the author of this text is equally insignificant simply owing to the sheer pretentiousness of referring to them as the third person and even simply writing this text. Regardless, one thought crossed my mind today which due to my overly proud idea of myself made me assign to all other people who were in similar situations; work is what will save me. Even if its just me, the idea of work saving someone like me, who is repulsed by social gatherings, from social isolation just seems sad. As much as id like to elaborate to seem like it’s the worst thing that can happen to anyone ever, it is just sad. Why though? Is it because I fail to be the son or nephew who dances at social gatherings, or is it because I am overly elaborate in situations which demand me to be extremely extroverted, or is it because my dad is closer to the friend of my cousin who he’s seen roughly ten times in his entire life? I think it’s something much simpler. It is simply because when I say I don’t want all this, it is simply not true. Just like we can never truly love someone for who they are, and rather love an idea of someone that we create in our head, exactly like that this innate desire to be liked by someone who holds, in the worst case, a hierarchical and biological obligation from me, stands strong. Don’t get me wrong at no point am I saying that that’s true for everyone but in most cases this field of concessions towards the self is ignored because it proves that you are lying to yourself or that this experience is simply a part of social gatherings that you hate.

Being penalised for not loving yourself is something which shouldn’t exist. Its not easy to do so. Especially if you feel like you’re wrong or don’t fit it or fail someone you love. Exactly like that, it should be okay to think of yourself as someone who is a bad person, because somewhere deep down we always are, we maybe aren’t aware of it or in our perception it isn’t what a bad person looks like. But we are. The idea of true good is and will always be absent from the world of humans and human relationships. And even though it seems harsh, looking for reasons as to why you are better or good or why life is nice is just a mental construct, we force ourself into to get a minimum form of catharsis. Don’t get me wrong, this is the reason why were sane and we desperately do need this catharsis to survive. But simply saying that life is better and discounting all the things we ignore is apprehensible.

Here is where the issue of self and distinction comes in. For most people that fit in simply, it becomes easier to look towards distractions or these temporary bubbles of catharsis, but for people who don’t, it comes down to work. If it bothers you that you aren’t as important to your family, or that they rely on favours for your luxuries, or that the only thing they can brag about you is that you’re a good kid or good at art or something which is mildly instrumental and objective at best unlike your cousin who ‘knows how to party’ or ‘is a good sport’, you want to get a point where you aren’t held up by happiness from this thing known as ‘family’. Hence most people want to be independent and work hard to get money and have smaller friend groups because they have been the subject of natural human selection, i.e., people who are more social able, better assets, more relatable or understandable are preferred by even the very people who share the same DNA with you.

The purpose of this text isn’t to penalise society or ask everyone to be more cognisant of how these people are treated. It is simply to let people understand that this is the way things work, and that things will turn out as they have for centuries and as it is required and there’s a not a lot you can do about it. As sad as those sounds, and I know that this word has been thrown around a lot, it means that you can either challenge this interpretation or accept you independence and work your way out of this shit-heap of a world we live in and at least get to the point where you become the person who doesn’t have to care about this directly – by being independent – by being your own person – by seeking catharsis through W O R K.

#philosophy #jordan peterson #introvert #introspection

[dirt-mccracken]

Something something the queer coding of many villains helps to engage with the inherent rage while still doing massive public damage something something

#nuance and angered feelings tonight lads #like on one hand #i very much identify with many queer coded villains #and their motives #and the desire to just Snap and give it all up #i too relate to the desperate need for catharsis #but also no straight person sees the nuance #they see an evil shallow vindictove flat villain #especially when not written by queer authors #but on the other hand identifying with the villain helps me to ponder Why #And what about that i want to emulate #anyway im definitely not overthinling personal opinions on medua tonight or anything

[hatboyproject]

This is very long, but it might be of interest to someone, somewhere. I was asked recently about the direction I'm taking this romance in and whether or not I'll be addressing certain disability specific subjects within it. The answer, of course, is yes - I have always planned to do this in one form or another. Whilst no single piece of media can address everything I'd like to say on the subject, and I am working within the bounds of a larger story with its own pacing and focus to consider, there's still room to touch on some of these things.

I'm aware that my interpretations won't always be the same as others'. They are my interpretations, coloured by my experiences and feelings, and ultimately, this is my mod - I'm writing it for everybody who 'wears the ballcap,' so to speak! But, it's my interpretation of this character that I'm trying to share with everyone. Different people "took the helm" (laugh, I'm hilarious!) on writing Jeff across the trilogy, and as time has gone on I've been trying to convince myself that it's okay to have my turn at doing that, too - albeit in a non-professional capacity. So... Let's get into my interpretation of Jeff, where his stuff comes from on my view, and how things went to get him to where we are at the beginning of ME3, where the romance can occur.

A lot of how I interpret him comes from experiences in my own life with my own issues, and with those of my loved ones, some of whom are physically disabled in similar (but not identical) ways to Jeff. Some of this carries an element of catharsis for me.

Mechanically and narratively speaking, what draws me to writing this romance is the contrast between how these two characters are strong. It's this core idea that strength doesn't have only one manifestation in a person. That loving somebody doesn't have to be done only one way, that it can be beautiful and passionate and fulfilling - even if, when it gets physical, the headboard can't exactly be made to shatter with the force of it all. For me, it's also an exercise in insecurity and dealing with feelings of frustrated inadequacy - something that has plagued me my whole life.

Yes, yes, he's fictional - but the only way for me to really get into a character is to think about them as if they're a real being. When I look at Jeff as a person, I see many things... Some very positive, some pretty negative... I try to see him as a complete person with strengths and flaws.

On the surface he is often defensive, dismissive, sarcastic, and emotionally avoidant. But why is that? He is highly skilled, dedicated and capable, and knows it, but at the same time is a person who is constantly overlooked, underestimated, and asked to work thrice as hard to get the same considerations. Even then, his validity is questioned often by almost everyone around him. Over time, combined with the realities of living with his physical condition, this has given him some deep-seated insecurities. He feels the need to brag about his skills because they are, ultimately, the one thing about himself that he is absolutely certain has real worth. He overcompensates for this by abusing rules and technicalities wherever he can, because I think he knows that if he played life by the rules, he'd never have gotten anywhere. It's a stacked deck, so why not hide some aces up his sleeve? When you don't fit in the box provided, you question the value of every box you see.

When a person lives with this long enough, it can get hard to swim against the tide of society's expectations and still remain chipper about it, let alone not internalise some of it. It can cause a person to create a shell constructed out of distrust and untruth.

Living with a disability can really suck sometimes, and the suck is compounded when having to deal with your own frustrations plus those of others. In my personal experience, that happens a lot.

There is a certain sense of alienation that it can create, and it can become a kind of Sword of Damocles. It can be easier to anticipate rejection and others' assumptions, inabilities to understand or relate than to keep reaching out, only to have the same tired conversations about being different. I see a lot of this in him. I understand the chip he has on his shoulder.

I also see an extremely sensitive, empathetic, devoted and boundlessly loving person under all that. In fact, it's because of these things that I think he actively tries to distance himself. At the core of his being, I see Jeff as somebody who loves quickly and completely. I think he sees that as a vulnerability, incompatible with what he's learned he has to do to survive... and also with the machismo thing that comes with being a pilot. I think on some level he's terrified of that about himself, but he also can't help it. Jeff is ride or die. So, he tells himself he doesn't care and never lets anyone in. Any time anyone showed interest, he'd shut them down, alienate them, distance himself, and get in the seat of something that flies.

I think up until now, (ME3) he's seen intimacy both as a thing he longs for, but is also afraid of because of his fundamental knowledge that he is different. He thinks he can't "measure up" to what he sees all around him. He sees romance as something that will lead to his inevitable rejection and being crushed, emotionally - and if he's not careful, physically, too. I think he's embarrassed about that as well. He's very interested where it comes to all that, but the things he likes to watch, he knows he can't do like that. His only experience is second-hand as a voyeur, so some of his perceptions about that are unhealthy for him. I think any kind of attempt by the medical professionals in his life to broach the topic and offer support on, he's angrily changed the subject, or stopped listening to, because of the entire mess above. I think Jeff is kind of a lonely person, and some of it is self-imposed, though the reasons for him thinking it's the right thing to do aren't all within his control.

All this is difficult for him to reconcile with, because he has been desperately in love with his commanding officer since almost the moment s/he met him, but entirely unprepared to face it.

I think at first it was easy for him to dismiss it as a stupid crush. Everyone gets them when cramped up in close quarters in stressful situations and the Commander's magnetism was hard to ignore. But then it became clear that Shepard really hadn't read his file and really hadn't made any assumptions at all about him. S/he just wanted to know him, and as time progressed and that actually bore out, it got hard not to really feel something powerful, even though s/he was the Commander and it wasn't strictly appropriate to think that way. But, then there was that thing about not fitting in the box provided...

I think he agonised over coming to Shepard with it, but ultimately decided it would be selfish with everything they were going through. I think there was a part of him that decided s/he'd never be interested anyway, not when there were other, healthier people to choose from... People who didn't have these hangups or need special accommodations made for them. I think he decided to keep it to himself, for what he felt was both their sakes.

If/When the Commander quietly hooked up with someone else, I think he had a lot of feelings all at once. On the one hand, the person he cared for most was finding some peace in all the craziness. On the other, he wished that particular brand of peace was shared with him. Most of the time there were more important things to worry about, but during downtime, I think it was on his mind a lot.

I think he feels very sheepish about it, but occasionally his jealousy got the better of him and he interrupted Shepard at moments that got too hard to watch on the security cams. He watched the cams around the ship lot, and listened in on all the others a fair bit. I think because he saw himself as being at a remove from most people in a lot of ways, it was easy to justify that to himself. I think he saw it kind of like listening to a podcast or a soap opera or... Nature documentary, almost, or something. He got to know all of them in this way... Parasocially at first, but gradually, socially too. He felt better about trying, because he had this secret edge. Not the greatest stuff he's ever done, but... Complete person. Strengths and flaws.

And then, the unthinkable happened. He couldn't accept that the ship was dying. He was sure he could save it... But when Shepard's hand touched his shoulder, when s/he'd come back for him, he knew it was over. And then, it really was over. Shepard paid the price for his arrogance. The person he wanted to protect the most spun off out into space. The communicator between his mask and that helmet was still in range for long enough that he could hear the choking. For a long time afterward, even hearing people cough made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.

The Alliance grounded him. I don't think he even had the capacity to be mad about it. I think that was a hard time for Jeff. I think between being burdened with the knowledge of the Reapers, the loss of Shepard, and the weight of his guilt, he was pretty close to the very, very edge when Cerberus knocked on his door and made him a bunch of promises. Pretty sure those promises had nothing to do with leather seats and everything to do with Project Lazarus. I'm very sure that the promise of Shepard coming back is the reason he even let Cerberus pay for the surgeries he agreed to undergo, because I don't think he valued himself much at all at that point. I'm pretty sure it was being ready to help Shepard that he was thinking about when he was learning to walk on his painful legs without crutches for the very first time. When Cerberus offered him a big shiny reset button I think he took it without hesitation because there wasn't anything else to hope for. I think seeing Shepard in the docking bay galvanised him and without ever telling them so, he pledged his life to them even harder than before. I think he told himself that he would support Shepard in every way he could. He would go wherever, do whatever, and when dealing with him, try to give them what he knew they needed; a goddamn break.

So, fast forward again, and now we are here. With all of this in mind... Shepard might have had a dalliance with someone else, or might've been too damaged by their previous love interest on Horizon, or whatever. Either way, I think Jeff saw it as not his business to even dream about that. I think the guilt tore him up every time he looked at Shepard. I think he felt like on some level, he deserved the pain of unrequited feelings which only ever got more intense. If he didn't think himself worthy of it back then, doubly so now. I think during the six months of house arrest, he tried to visit, but the Alliance denied his every attempt. Then the attack on Earth happened.

And so now we have Jeff, who, just like other humans is confused and groping about for a sense of what's up and what's down. Fortunately for him, Shepard is part of that sense of stability. He's just better at hiding it, because avoiding it and telling himself to focus elsewhere is second nature to him by this point. But things are a little different, now. Shepard seems looking around for a connection too. Future days seem short in number and the rulebook less and less important by the minute. Denying it to himself becomes impossible, and even EDI prods him about it. Shepard won't stop being so goddamn nice to him and even responds with things that if he didn't know better, he could interpret as... But then all the old insecurities come rushing back and he's walking on his own damn eggshells again. Fuck it. It's time to admit it. To come clean. S/he has to know.

So he asks. And s/he accepts. He's equal parts thrilled, stunned and terrified. He's even on some level, suspicious. Is s/he setting him up for a fall? Are they angry about his responsibility? What do they want out of this, actually? He hasn't explained what it'd be like. That what they're doubtlessly expecting of him is unrealistic. That he's completely inexperienced. I think at this point, he's a bit pissed off with himself and feeling a lot of dread because he's pretty sure how this is going to go. He realises he's got so caught up in it that he's done things in the wrong order. Damage control. He has to talk with Shepard and explain what s/he should expect from him, because it will be different. Manage expectations because he's had to manage his own. He goes in steeled.

But s/he knows it will be different, it turns out. As ever, Shepard has made no assumptions whatsoever. S/he only wants to get to know him. Wants him for everything he is, and accepts what he is not. It was never an issue for them beyond understanding how to work with it, because he is worthy just as he is, and has worked hard enough. He has to teach them about his limitations, about underestimating and overestimating... But where there's a will, there's a way. Time for a few shared moments of peace before the end of days, and through all the craziness, something feels right at last. He feels safe enough to let Shepard in properly. Thus begins his reassessment of himself and reckoning with letting go of the insecurities he has that aren't actually his own, but come from outside.

Also he totally gets to sext the Commander now when s/he's on missions. Nice.

So. There's a lot more I could say and expound upon but it's been hours and I have stuff to do. That's my direction. It's not going to suit everyone, and I doubt I can get everything across... But I'll try. I'm just one person, with just one perspective, with just one version of this story. But I hope people like what I come up with surrounding this framework, because I have lived a lot of it myself. Just a few less Reapers in my version. Not everyone's experiences and responses will be the same.

#shoker #shoker mod #hatboyproject #jeff joker moreau #character study #my approach

[leahquark]

How to escape from a time loop

How to escape from a time loop

Prevent the causing event

Alright, so you’re stuck in a time loop. But maybe you know what caused it. Hey, if the causing event keeps happening, it’s obvious. Let’s say at the end of every day, you die. Easy peasy, just don’t die one day and you’ll escape the loop. Easier said than done, sure. Especially if the loop is short, or the event is out of your control (yea, 10 minutes really feels unfair to convince your aunt Sally on the other side of the country not to knock over her Egyptian flower vase). But hey, you get unlimited tries at this. Plus, a time loop means your money and resources reset, so feel free to go nuts and waste them. Just, don’t do anything you might regret if the loop suddenly breaks. Of course, after enough repeats, I doubt there’ll be much left in this category. If the loop happens when you go to sleep, then don’t go to sleep. Heck, chase the sun around the world if you have to. Rage against the dying of the light.

2. 

Make amends for the causing event

Okay, so maybe the event that caused the time loop only happened once. And maybe it happened on the day before the loop, or in the first iteration only. Well then, you can still make amends for it, hit the edit undo. Don’t believe me? The statistical probability that YOU would be the first person stuck in a time loop is so ridiculously close to zero. If you’re in a time loop now, that means others were probably in a time loop too, and maybe got in and got out the same way. And they kinda had to get out, in order for time to progress and trap you in your time loop today. So go track down that evil time witch and apologize to her, or find a scientist who can study the alien blood you’re covered in. Tell them to keep notes, then at the end of the time loop memorize them and regurgitate them back at the start of the next loop. Remember, you’re the only one who can retain information / make progress at the end of each loop. Only you can look out for yourself, but maybe medical science has an answer.

3.

Prevent and make amends for everything that could possibly be the causing event

Okay, so maybe you don’t know why you’re trapped in a time loop. Alright, then try this. Go through a list of everything you did the day before the loop, and during the first iteration of the loop. Focus on things you said, places you went, objects you saw, things you thought about. It’s important to do this before the time loops repeat so many times you forget what happened the first time around. One of those things, something as minor as not hanging out with a friend, could have been the causing factor… at least according to movies and TV. In reality, it’s probably as likely the time loop was caused by a passing black hole, or a scientist at the large hadron collider. But hey, if it’s something not related to your personal life and daily activities, then you’re kinda screwed. So just completely change your daily routine, do things you’d never think to do, break that habit that you do on every iteration of the timeline, and hope that the loop was just some catharsis for your morning coffee addiction. Now is the time to fix any regrets you may have, to make amends, to become a better person. 

4.

Binge watch time related tv

Also read some sci fi. Of course, if you’re reading this, you’re probably on track already, and getting into the more obscure sections. That’s good, a lot of those mainstream sci fi movies are more meant to make you feel good than actually discuss the repercussions of time loops. But hey, you never know, maybe you’ll get some inspiration for something. Heck, a lot of escaping from time loops is getting the right inspiration. So yea, take a break, and binge those bad tv shows. You’ve got all the time in the world to do what you love… assuming you love sci fi television as much as I do. Heck, I won’t judge if you just want to use the time loop to binge all day, enjoy yourself! (You are trapped in a serious science anomaly we don’t fully understand after all) Just, make sure you eventually take a television break if the time loop doesn’t show any sign of fixing. 

5.

Find a guide

Alright, so basic fact of logic, there’s only one person on the planet who knows the absolute most about time loops, and chances are it’s not you. At least, it wasn’t you when you got stuck. For all you know, that person walking down the street next to you knows more than you. Heck, maybe they were trapped in a time loop too. So go ahead and ask. What’s the worst that could happen? No seriously, what’s the worst that could happen? You’re trapped in a time loop, any social awkwardness you display will be forgotten by the next loop. Go up and talk to random people, find that person who knows a ton about sci fi. My DMs are always open, and I’m sure you can find some people in a sci fi discord server. Want a real kicker? Spend one loop learning all you can about a person, just talking to them friendly and nice. Then next time loop start the conversation with an announcement that you’re in a time loop, and prove it by reciting those same facts you learned about the person in the last loop. Get to know someone, make some new friends, or just reach out for help (its so hard to escape alone). 

6.

Convince the government

That trick I mentioned, in point 5… that’ll probably work for the government too. Imagine calling up the president of the United States on his personal cell phone, telling him you’re in a time loop, and backing it up with a whole host of personal facts. What they won’t see, is the hundred or so timelines you spend going from convincing the police, to the FBI, to the governor, to your local senators, etc, etc. At every step of the way, wasting one or two timelines to learn all their personal info, then regurgitating it to them in the third timeline as proof you really are looping. It’s exhausting. All to convince some bureaucrats and some scientists to look into it. Let’s hope they really do have aliens in area 51, or this will be a massive waste of time. But hey, time is something you’ve got too much of anyway. The effort may be exhausting, but you can’t give in, you need some professional backup on your team, and no matter how much you repeat yourself, its worth the effort.

7.

Number those timelines

Alright, so at this point, try anything. But you need a way to stop yourself from trying the same thing twice. And you need a way of prompting the people you are with to stop saying the same old ideas. If you wake up on the same day every morning, and ask the people around you to help you escape a time loop, then they’re going to be repeating a lot of their responses. But in my experience, people reply, think, and remember differently based on the prompts they’re given, and maybe those different prompts will jog your brain, and the brains of the people you’re around, into thinking of something new. One way to do it is get a dictionary, or some other book with a wide variety of words, and each day refer to the next word in the book as that day's prompt. Do something completely random, completely insane, but make sure it started with you and your time loop guides reading and thinking about the prompt. So you’re probably going out to go touch an aardvark then. Come back when you’ve ridden a Zambonni and I’ll know things are really desperate. Point is, keeping trying new things, and enjoy them while you’re at it. 

8.

Keep trying

Alright, it’s not really like you’ve got much of a choice here. Going about your day, or repeating the same day twice, or acting and pretending like you’re not really in a time loop, are all ways of experimenting with something new (though, frankly I think these will just lead to frustration). Heck, maybe instead of acting crazy, what you really needed was to act normal. Maybe it’s a sentient creature keeping you trapped in the loop, and it’ll sense when you’ve given up hope and then release you from the loop. Maybe. Really doubt that though. Technically, it’s impossible to give up. But hang in there. Keep yourself, and your joy. You get to live. You get to experience something no one else has felt. You can learn a hundred new skills, and master them all, and live frivolously every day. You get to meet every person on earth, and study them all in a single day. You are technically immortal. There is nothing you have to do, no responsibilities. There’s nothing new on television to keep you glued to the screen, and no point putting any of your dreams off until tomorrow. You’re trapped in time, but in a way free. Free of consequences except the ones you choose for yourself. So choose to be happy, choose to live. Choose to value this day with your friends and family, even if they won’t value or remember them. Maybe plan one million for escaping the time loop is to go down to a nice sunny beach and just relax. In a strange way, that’s got just as much chance of working as anything else. And it’ll make your eternity here a lot more bearable than moping around your house all depressed like.

9.

Don’t die

I have no idea what the religious implications are of being trapped in a time loop. And the thing with most time loops, at least the ones I’ve seen on tv, is that death doesn’t let you escape the loop. And frankly that’s a good thing, because death is something worse. I’m not going to go into this too much, though if you really are trapped in a time loop I’m sure these few words are tantalizingly short. (If you need more, there are plenty of resources out there) But no time loop has ever been solved by dying. Even if it did resolve, your eternal purgatory would probably end up taking the form of a time loop. But don’t worry, I can give you my personal assurances that you’re alive right now. And that’s good. Because life is a beautiful thing, even when the day repeats. You know, especially then. After all these dark and gritty escape the time loop stories, of tormented characters driven mad because nothing they do matters, can’t we have one where someone is happy to be in a time loop? We all die, eventually that is. Whether you’re trapped in a time loop or not. But not all of us live. Not all of us truly live. Maybe being trapped in a time loop will help you live truly. I mean, if you really think about it, in several thousand years, is anyone even going to remember you? Remember your accomplishments? You may as well have lived for a day. If you want to escape the time loop so what you do matters again, maybe it’s time to face the reality that what you do… may not have mattered. And that’s okay. Life is about the living. Living every day, day by day, and making the most of it. We don’t always get to control the hand that life gives us. Maybe we know someone with Alzheimer's, whose memories fade at the end of each day, and makes it seem like we’re living that moment over and over. Maybe they don’t even remember who you are. Maybe, to them, you’re a stranger, who met them today, and knows so many things about them. Is it happy when someone laughs, if they won’t remember it later? Did it really happen? Yes it did. Yes it is happy. 

10. 

You can’t escape / why did you listen to me, I’ve never been trapped in a time loop

Life is a beautiful thing, time is a beautiful thing. It’s beautiful because it doesn’t loop. I can understand the anger, that bitter rage people can have, trapped and unable to reach out, repeating the same day over and over. Unable to move on. Unable to break free. And sometimes they do break free. Sometimes, silly movies and tv shows, that avoidance of the causing incident, or the help of scientists and their research, are enough to fix even the most terrible of fates. But sometimes they can’t, and we can go on, suffering forever. I’ve never been trapped in a time loop (I thought I was once, in fact, all my friends thought I was too, and they all tried to help me out of it. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t, right?), and if any of the people around me have, they've been hiding it exceptionally well. They’ve worked today, for the hope of relaxing tomorrow. They’ve made progress, with the thought that their accomplishments matter, and their adventures can wait. That’s the mindset a lot of us go through life with. But maybe, just maybe, life can’t wait until tomorrow. Maybe it takes getting trapped in a time loop to realize. When your hard work doesn’t pay off, and you can’t think of what evil thing has landed you where you are, when the universe deals you a bad hand, maybe that’s when you realize what’s important. Waking up, every day, with people you care about, ready to live life for today. Maybe tomorrow won’t come. Maybe it never will. Maybe you have to live, live every moment of your life, today. Or, maybe, just maybe, tomorrow is right around the corner. And when you tell those people around you that you love them, maybe this time they’ll remember. But what the hell do I know? I’ve never been trapped in a time loop. I’m just a person, one of billions on planet Earth, living life. 

#time #time loop #timeloop #sci fi #science fiction #fiction #story #writer #depression #mental health #disease #diagnosis #metaphor #coping #escape #escapism #Escape a time loop #loop #groundhogs day #how to #anxiety #this started as a light hearted sci fi short story that somehow turned into a metaphor about coping with disease and depression #also this story was supposed to be so much shorter than it is #parody #time travel

[ruby-whistler]

This is targeted at your dream apologist post, just to be up front. Just wanted to give my two cents in on some of the stuff w/o doing a whole rebuttal, since… I don’t really want to lol. To start off, I had an issue with how you framed the beginnings of Lmanberg. How Lmanberg formed wasn’t colonizing, it was just independence from the greater dsmp from a set of members that disliked the way things were ran by Dream (and by more direct extension, the rest of the dsmp citizens, namely sapnap.) Dream was protecting his power, not any kind of attachment made to the server, I’d argue, becuz in the end the way he relinquished control was by gaining more; by getting leverage over one of the original members, Tommy, via taking his discs.

Another thing, you shouldn’t be angry at ppl for not feeling sympathetic for a character that’s done such heinous things against other characters. You’re more then welcome to feel bad for him yourself, but no one else has to. After watching the whole of Tommy’s exile arc, it’s very clear to see the Dream was cruel and horrible to a child that hardly deserved it. Dream was dehumanizing to Tommy. Making him put all of his self earned items into a hole every visit and promptly destroying it all, telling Tommy that his friends don’t miss him, blowing up Logstedshire after finding Tommy’s secret room (that he hid from Dream to stop him from destroying it) filled with Tommy’s resources for escaping, not even allowing him to leave, these aren’t the actions of a good person put into a hard place, or a person with trauma dealing poorly with said trauma. That isn’t justifiable. Dream shouldn’t be allowed to hurt and inflict trauma onto another person becuz he has trauma. What he did to Tommy and to his friends (saying he didn’t care about them, saying he only cares about Tommy’s discs, Sapnap even had that sad moment of “you don’t think he meant it did you?” which. Yknow. Look between the lines methinks) was awful and doesn’t have to be forgiven by either the victims or the fans of said victims.

My opinion on the prison stay is…. I don’t really care lol. I definitely do see it as he deserves it, because what he did to Tommy was horrific. I don’t have any real sympathy for an abuser, especially one that does shit that I’ve had done to me before and done against a character I relate to heavily. So. Sue me if I think that Dream should have his shit rocked. Ignoring that Dream had very clear reasons as to why he was put into the prison and the fact that many characters have reasons to hate his guts and also not feel sympathy for him is…. Definitely the Dream apologist mantra. Noah fence ^^

One last bit since this ask is getting real long, but it was narratively cathartic to see Dream actually receiving punishment for his actions. Cathartic quite literally means “psychological relief through strong emotions” so. Yeah. Sorry ppl were getting it mixed up with catharsis, but there’s the word they probably meant to use. Didn’t realize it would be such a crime to mix up two very similar words but what can you do with a younger audience.

This isn’t meant to be an attack, or mean, so I’m sorry if I’ve been a little passive aggressive in my wording, but to be fair. Your post was as well ^^ Cant wait to hear your response, if you feel like giving one.

Alright, so first as a quick disclaimer, I’m going to out a summary of the original post’s points, just to ensure that we’re on the same page;

The post does say:

- don’t dehumanize c!Dream because it continuously hurts people who relate to and/or sympathize with him, also dehumanization in general is an inherently wrong mindset

- don’t attack people who sympathize with him because he’s a victim of abuse besides other things

The post never says:

- you cannot hate c!Dream and not sympathizing with him is wrong

- the things c!Dream has done are to any degree excused

- don’t dehumanize c!Dream because he’s a good person

- people who dehumanize c!Dream are real life abuse apologists

If you read the post and didn’t get these points from it, i advise you to reread it as I made pretty much all of these abundantly clear.

I don’t know why you’d start talking about L’manberg, but sure; I never said it was colonization. I said some people who have had their country colonized relate to him because he had his home torn apart and is desperate to return it back to its original state. This is a completely valid reason to relate to him as it is a pretty big part of the character.

Dream wasn’t protecting his “power”, because he didn’t actually have any power on the SMP besides technically owning it. Before L’manberg, all he’d do is walk around, fix creeper holes and the prime path, jump into conflicts and end them if they got too pointed - he even fixed Tubbo’s house once after Tommy burnt it down, he got unfairly mugged by Sapnap and Tommy because he had weaker armor etc. He never used his position as landowner unfairly and was on the same level as any other member; his only concern was too keep the community united and semi-peaceful. Of course he had an attachment to the server, it had been his home for months, maybe more on the SMP timeline.

Do you genuinely think listing the bad things he did is going to do anything to my empathy or the empathy of other c!Dream fans?

I saw the entirety of the exile arc live, and I saw what was happening, and I hated it, and I hated c!Dream. Yet I’m sympathetic to him when he goes through a similar situation, perhaps because I’m not a biased hypocrite.

I never said c!Dream was a good person. Saying “these don’t look like actions of a person with trauma” doesn’t make sense to me because, as you said later on, it isn’t justifiable either way. I’m not saying anyone has to forgive him. You don’t need to forgive an abuse victim for their prior actions to recognize their situation is messed up. You’re making up points to fight against in your rebuttal that I never actually said.

I’m not saying “don’t dehumanize c!Dream because he’s a good person”. I’m saying “don’t dehumanize c!Dream because he’s a person and dehumanization is wrong” and “people who relate to him shouldn’t be hurt or harassed”.

He didn’t even do “terrible things” to his friends, by the way. Tommy has said like five times that he doesn’t care about anyone but the discs but when he said that isn’t true his friends believed and forgave him. Dream says it once while something that matters to him is being threatened, so that it doesn’t get destroyed, and suddenly he’s hurting his friends (double standard methinks). As if he didn’t repeatedly try to help them and care about them up until that point and they abandoned him even despite his prior actions. He did things that might’ve hurt them, but that doesn’t compare to the amount of things he did for them. Saying he doesn’t care is blatant mischaracterization.

If you think (fictional) people who have done bad things deserve to be horribly abused and have their basic human rights violated, you know what, you do you. Be a fictional abuse apologist, be as bad as the people who say c!Tommy deserved it, go on. I disagree with you however, and I’m sure many people who are actually sensitive and care about/relate to fictional abuse victims (I have seen many c!Tommy apologists say the torture is awful and he doesn’t deserve it, thankfully) will disagree as well, so why should I care about your wrong opinion? If you’ve dehumanized him and are failing to see you’re incorrect and hurting people, bad for you. You’re just proving me right that this is a very real problem that this community has to do something about.

#tw abuse #tw torture #abuse apologism #c!dream neg #(in ask) #discourse #my asks #crit anon