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1427 · 2 months

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When the Levee Breaks (pt. 5)

Daryl Dixon x OFC

Story Summary: The one in which a stripper that used to know Merle and Daryl shows up at the Atlanta camp. Daryl’s feelings are complicated but mostly he hates her, right?

Chapt Setting: The Farm/Woods

Chapt Warnings: pretty explicit drug use (meth), season 2 Daryl, degrading/sexist language (he’s starting to get better lol), SOPHIA CHAPTER (I think that deserves a warning)

Word Count: 2.7k

A/N: Daryl’s POV story. Daryl’s starting to be less of a dick, trying really hard to make it feel organic/make it make sense in the story. Idk. This chapter was really rough to write because… it made me sad. Also have no idea if it even makes sense (the hallucination bit, really hope it does) lol ALSO; I looked up some timeline stuff and i just?? Really thought Daryl was out there for days on his own? But apparently he wasn’t? We’re just gonna say that he is in this story. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I can only do so much when the timeline of TWD is fucking stupid sometimes. (I mean it. Come for me. Idc. Rick was in a coma for 59 days without food or water???!?!!!? Bye)

masterlist

17+ mdni (no smut in this one tho sorry)

Like fiberglass in my veins, it tears through me. Mellow, at first, almost think I should rail more before I can feel myself sweatin’. Different kinda sweat, comin’ from my fuckin’ soul.

Haven’t felt like I was doin’ something ‘wrong’ since I was little. That feeling that ch’ya get when you’re doin’ somethin’ ya know you’re not s’possed to. This ain’t the first time I done spazz, but maybe it’ll be the last. The anxiety about doin’ it goes away the second I feel the devil kick me through my nose to the back of my brain. Even though I know it’s comin’, it always feels like gettin’ skullfucked by satan.

Been out here for a day. I brought Merle’s shit with me because I decided to finally get rid of it somewhere. But I got somethin’ that needs doin’. And anyway, I got years of experience with ice. Not doin’ it. Sometimes doin’ it. Never let Merle know, he’d’ve made some big whoop ‘bout it. And everytime he’d gone and done more than he remembered, he woulda blamed me. Shit though, sometimes it was.

M’not like Merle and Beatle. Ain’t an addict. Can do shit and put it down. Always been able to put it down. Figured other people could too, that they just didn’t wanna. ‘m not sure, but still kinda think that.

Never felt fuckin’ guilty about it before, though. Fuckin’ Beatle. I’unno if it’s cuz I’d be done with her if she did the same shit, or if it’s cuz I know if she knew that I was - she’d be mad at me. Mad I didn’t invite ‘er.

But this shit ain’t for fuckin’ playtime. Only reason ‘m even doin’ it i’so I can find Sophia. So I can stay awake, focus, and get ‘er back. They use ta use this shit in war. War’s the reason methamphetamines even exist. Nazi’s? Hell, every single one of ‘em in WWII. Kamikazi’s loaded up, totally fuckin’ wasted outta their minds on crystal while they bolted ‘em in. Kept ‘em awake, kept ‘em happy, kept ‘em focused on the mission. Tha’s what I gotta do.

I can’t stop lookin’ til I find ‘er. Sophia. ‘m the only one that can, only one that knows how. And anymore, ‘m the only one that seems to give a shit. ‘Sides Carol. And Beatle. She wanted ta come. Told her she’d only slow me down. Distract me. Drawn more geeks. She woulda. Told her I didn’t need food either but she packed me some anyway. Knew I wasn’t gonna be hungry. Knew I was gonna use this dumb shit to help. But whatever.

Doesn’t matter what happens to me, right? My life’s not worth nothin’, not compared to that little girl. Now that her old man’s outta the picture she actually got a chance. Maybe not mucha one, not the way shit is these days. But she got ‘er mom. And ‘er mom can actually be ‘er mom now. Not scared of some piece’a shit prick that finally got what was comin’ to ‘im.

Man fuck that guy.

The trail I’m followin’ disappears so I backtrack to the mangroves where I found her doll and try to find another one.

I start to wonder what kinda old man Beatle had. What kinda mom? Startin’ ta realize I don’t know a damn thing about Beatle. I know she likes drinkin’, she likes laughin’, she likes fuckin’ with me. But…

Beatle keeps surprisin’ me. Not just because she let me hump her face a few days ago, the fact that she liked it, shit I haven’t even had a second to process that. Nah, more cuz she hasn’t brought it up. Hasn’t tried to hold my hand again. Hasn’t been annoyin’ me nearly as much. Not even at all, if ‘m honest.

My brain’s goin’ a million miles a fuckin’ second over Beatle and what happened between us. Not just the other night, but back then. Got questions that need answerin’ but she ain’t here. Try to keep myself occupied with trackin’ but it ain’t like trackin’ takes much thinkin’. Follow every trail I pick up, but none of ‘em lead me to Sophia.

I’d prob’ly start gettin’ really frustrated about this, but that’s what crystals good for. All the dopamine I need, and nothin’s annoyin’. Focus.

✨🏹

Bent branches, wilted leaves, mud impressions, walker guts. Trees and rocks and blood and mud and dirt and greens and browns and reds and blacks. And it’s dark and it’s light and it’s dark. And it smells fuckin’ rotten. Bent branches, wilted leaves, another trail, another dead end, another undead shithead. Bent branches, wilted leaves, mud impressions, Beatle.

How many times did I go into Merle’s bag and take the devils dick up my nose? Cuz Beatle’s standin’ here right in front of me. ‘Cept she’s all done up in makeup and glitter and her pupils are the size of dimes. Little pink crop top, tiniest pair’a daisy dukes I ever seen. ‘n she’s in my face sayin’ the shit I been thinkin’ about her sayin’ since that day she said it.

“I like you, Dar.”

“You like bein’ fucked up more.” I say it like I said it the last time.

“That’s not true! I mean - I like you, Daryl.” She steps closer, tries to put her hand on my cheek before I brush her off. She slumps back a little, turning away. “You like me, too. You said it.”

My hearts in my fuckin’ throat and I’m standin’ there, this can’t be fuckin’ happening. I know is’not but doesn’t make it feel any less real. “Tha’ was before I really knew ya, Beatle.”

Hate that I said that to ‘er. Did I really say that? Cuz maybe that’s how I felt. Hell, maybe that’s how I felt last week. But it ain’t fair. I don’t know her. Still. Now. Don’t know ‘er at all. Thought I did. Thought I understood what kinda girl did those kindsa things. Is that really what I said? Fuck.

She’s still turned away from me, but I walk the half circle around to look at her face. And she’s sobbing. Silently, trying to stay as still as possible. I… I don’t remember this part. Maybe I didn’t see it? Nah, I saw it. Just didn’t care. Didn’t wanna look at ‘er. Didn’t want to hear her lame ass confession. Especially after she’d brought up that I told ‘er I liked ‘er. She sniffles and wipes her face before she pulls a bubble pipe out of the waistband of her shorts and lights the bottom, starts smokin’ it. She asks if I want a hit, like last time.

I go to say no, but the words don’t come out. Instead my hand reaches for it. I look back up and Beatle’s dressed all different. Baggy jeans and a bikini top. That night. Fuck. Shit. I don’t want to relive that night.

“I promise, I won’t tell Merle.” She says, handing me her lighter. And I smoke it. Inhaling the vapor slowly like she had. “You gotta sip at it, like it’s a coffee and you’re drinking the air to see if it’s still too hot. Roll the bowl or it will burn.” I do it the way she says. She’s like ten years younger than me, but she looks at me - talks to me like it don’t matter. Like she don’t see it that way. Guess I don’t either, never really did.

I’d never wanted to smoke it before. But that night I wanted to. With her. Woulda done anything she’d asked that night ‘fore she ruined it. I ruined it. Til it got all fucked up an’ it was never the same again. Not the way I saw her, not the way she looked at me.

I’m goin’ through memories like they’re happening all over again. Feelin’ fuckin’ sick. I don’t wanna remember this.

I hand the pipe back to her and she asks, “How do you feel?”

“Fine.”

“Just fine?” She smiles.

“Good.” I clarify.

“Good.”

Don’t say it. Don’t say it. Don’t say it. “I think I like you, Beatle.”

She laughs too hard, “you think?” I feel myself getting sicker and angry again all at once.

I split in half. One half feelin’ those same feelings I felt. That this conceited fuckin’ bitch really acts like everyone likes her. I hear her words and it sounds like she’s sayin’ ‘well obviously’ - but the other halfa me hears it like a real question. Like she wanted ta know what I meant. I don’t remember how I responded then, but I can hear myself say it, “Self-obsessed cunt.”

Beatle laughs, “Is that what you like about me?”

My misunderstanding continues; Thought she was pickin’ on me. Makin’ funna me. All these years. All this time. Thought she was fuckin’ laughin’ at me. Never told a girl I liked her. Not that I never did like one, just never told ‘em. Not like some teenage fuckin’ confessional. And I do and what? she just laughs.

Shit.

Cuz inside ‘m screaming. Screamin’ at myself ta say somethin’ different. To jus’ tell her. She’s special, she’s exciting, and when she smiles at the shit I say it makes me feel like I’m the only one in the fuckin’ world to her. Tha’s what she wants ta here. Tha’s why she’s askin’.

“Nah. Forget it.” She nods, and I thought she did forget it. She forgot until she brings it up again in the memory I already re-lived.

Tha’s how I was so damn sure she didn’t give a single shit about if I liked her or not. Didn’t bring it up again for months. Didn’t give a single shit about me at all. Felt stupid for ever thinkin’ she might. Just a dumb crush on a dumb girl, and I forgot everything about it. An’ every little thing she did that made me like ‘er ended up as somethin’ else I hated. And every time I saw her after that she was fucked up on somethin’. Meth or booze or weed. Usually all three.

It comes at me like a fuckin’ freight train, her lips crashing into mine, but this time I want it. Don’t wanna stop kissin’ ‘er. Instead my arms move and I push her down to the ground. She’s wearing the crop top again, can tell she’d been cryin’. She’s layin’ there in the rocks lookin’ up at me and I flash back to the living room where this happened, where she’d told me she liked me back. I wanna beat the shit outta myself for makin’ her look like that.

How didn’t I see it?

I did see it. I just didn’t care. Thought I knew what kinda girl did those kinds’a things.

Wonderin’ what kind of old man she had. What kinda boyfriends before she met me. How maybe she’s just as fuckin’ scared’a feelin’ stuff as I am. How maybe it took her months to even get up the courage to tell me after I’d told ‘er never mind and slowly started to hate her. How many’a those drinks were for courage? How many’a those hits were cuz she was nervous?

Shit.

And she’s runnin’ away like she did then. Away from me an’ outta my life until a few weeks ago. I know it ain’t real but I run after her anyway. Screamin’ her name into the open air like maybe somehow I can change it if I can get her to come back. But she’s gone and ‘m still running tryin’ to find her. Screaming for her ‘til my throats hoarse.

‘Til the walkers hear me.

✨🏹

Andrea fuckin’ shot me. What is wrong with this fuckin’ group?

✨🏹

Beatle’s in the bedroom with me but I can’t look at ‘er. Don’t wanna. Feels like she knows what I was doin’ out in them woods without ‘er. Like she can see the dirty shit in my soul and for some reason it makes me ill. Can’t look at ‘er. Knowin’ I hurt ‘er like that all that time ago. Knowin’ it now like I ain’t ever known anything else.

It’s just me ‘n her and she doesn’t try to talk to me. Just lets me lay there hatin’ myself for all of it. Didn’t even find Sophia.

Spent a lot of my days in my life hatin’ myself. Thinkin’ I was good for nothin’. Now ‘m sure of it.

I feel the bed move under the weight of her. She hugs herself around me, and like some pathetic kid I fuckin’ cry. Don’t know if she can tell or not but she tries comforting me anyway. “It’s okay, Dar. You did your best.” Her voice… how could I have ever thought it was annoying? Her bein’ so nice just makes me hate myself more.

“Lea‘me alone, Beatle.” Shakin’ her arm out from around me. She gets off the bed and sits back in the chair she’d been in. God, I fuckin’ hate myself. Wanna scream No, come back. I didn’t mean it.

Still got question’s that need answerin’. This time Beatles right here, and I ain’t got nothin’ to lose. “Why were you naked in Merle’s room?” Grateful that she’s sittin’ behind me. Don’t think I could talk to ‘er ‘bout this stuff if she was lookin’ at me. Right now? If I saw her face? Don’t think I could talk at all.

She laughs. Fuck her stupid fuckin’ laugh. “I still can’t believe you think I fucked around with Merle.”

“Why not? Y’all hung out every other day.” My voice is sharp, feels like she’s laughin’ at me again. Always feels like everyone’s laughin’ at me.

“We all hung out every other day, Dar.”

“Stop callin’ me tha’.”

“I was carpet surfing. Your dumbass brother spilled all the schkag all over the damn place.”

Oh…. But, “Ya didn’t have any clothes on.”

“I never had any clothes on, Daryl. You sure I wasn’t just wearing something ‘slutty’? You know, like you always said I was? Cuz I don’t remember, but I’ve never been naked with Merle. Ever. Sounds fuckin’ gross.”

Oh.

It made sense. Makes so much sense, ‘specially now. She keeps talkin’ an’ ‘m grateful cuz if I tried to say anything else I’d start fuckin’ cryin’ again. “I liked you, man. I…” she stops herself. Wanna beg her to keep goin’ but I can’t.

Instead I ask ‘er the only question I got left, “Why’d ya leave, then? Ya left ‘n ya never came back.”

She’s silent for a long time. “When you and Merle moved, where’d you go?”

She did come back.

“Why’d ya leave, Beatle?” Doesn’t matter where Merle and I went. She’s avoidin’ the question.

“Got sober. After that night… with you. Wanted to get sober. Wanted to…” she don’t say the rest but she don’t need to. I got it. Fuck, my heart can’t take it.

“Cuz I said ya liked gettin’ fucked up more than ya liked me.” It ain’t a question. I know.

“Think it was more the other thing you said.”

Tha’ was before I really knew ya, Beatle. I can still taste the words. “Shouldn’t’a said that to ya.” My voice is barely a whisper.

She gets back up on the bed and puts her arm around me again, this time I don’t shake her away. Her voice, so close to my ear, “I didn’t want to tell you that I came back. I didn’t want you to know that I got sober for you.”

What? “Why not?”

“Wasn’t sure you’d care. And if you did… I didn’t want you to have all the what-ifs in your head that I have in mine.”

She hugs herself into me so tight it’s hard to breathe, and she tells me, “It doesn’t matter anymore.”

I feel guilty, can’t take any of that back. Can’t make any of it better. I don’t deserve this. Her. After all the nasty shit I ever thought about her. After what I did to her the other night. I can’t bring myself to tell her to leave cuz I know she wants to be here. Don’t wanna make her cry again.

So I let her hold me. Even though I don’t fuckin’ deserve it.

#daryl dixon #daryl dixon fanfiction #twd daryl #daryl fanfiction #the walking dead daryl #daryl dixon x oc #daryl dixon imagine

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cillspropertea · 2 years

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No Fucking Way (New Cillian Murphy Fic)

Chapter 1: Waking up

Warnings: Mentions of an accident.

Y/N finds herself in a unique situation where her heart wants to believe everything but her mind wants her to repress herself to prevent heartbreak. The love of her life is miraculously close enough to touch but everything stops with the question, “Is any of this real?”

Authors note: I apologize beforehand to how medically incompatible this story will be, as I am not a professional doctor, just a fanfic writer with an idea she cannot contain in her head anymore. So, please, bear with me.😇😉

Looking forward to your feedback.✨✨

Word count: 2112

It was dark and my eyelids felt heavy. I felt so comfortable and cozy in my bed cocooned under my blanket, reading my favorite smutty Cillian Murphy fan-fiction on Tumblr. I’d had a long and tiring day at work. But no matter what, I always made time to read about Cillian and stay updated about all the latest news and info on him. I’d joined multiple accounts and pages on Facebook, Instagram and twitter to do so. God! He was so sexy, ‘I would give anything to be his woman! Anything!’ I thought. But he was happily married to the love of his life, who was a bombshell. Multiple media sources had actually called her a mixture of Catherine Zeta jones and Sofia Vergara ‘Pfft! They needed glasses. She isn’t THAT beautiful!’ but she was. I didn’t hate her, no sir-oo! But one shouldn’t be blamed to envy the world’s luckiest woman right? She had everything, a successful career, and a baby on the way and Cillian as her husband! God really has his favorites, doesn’t he!? There was no chance for me, ‘Not in this life at least!’ I’d chuckled silently. I looked at his ‘Thomas Shelby’ picture with my favorite quote on the wall for the last time before giving in to the inescapable slumber.

------

They did several tests on me, the reports of which weren’t due till the next day. The Doctor even tickled my feet with his pen “To check the movement…” I was sure he'd left inky lines on my soles. “Now, Y/N, My name is Doctor Benjamin.” The older Doc began once again. “I am handling your case. I would like to inform you that you’d had an accident. Things were critical for some time, but all seems to be okay now. How are you feeling dear?” He raised his eyebrows. “Okay I guess. I have a massive headache and my body feels, heavy. Other than that I feel fine.” I replied, subconsciously moving my hands and feet, opening and closing my fists. “That’s completely normal. You would be feeling like your old self in no time. You did give us a scare there young lady! You certainly took your time.” He waved a finger at me as if talking to a child. “But I don’t understand…” my fingers touched my pounding temple. “Understand what?” Doctor Benjamin picked up my file and started writing something on it. “I don’t remember having an accident. I just remember going to bed after a long day of work…” This caught his attention, he handed over the file to the nurse standing beside him. An expression of worry crossed his face for a moment but he recovered quickly. “Ahaan. So the last thing you remember…” I completed, “… is me sleeping in my bed.” He took out the small light from his pocket and once again checked my eyes. Opening them with his thumb. “It’s okay dear. You have been in a coma for two years. Things can get a little jumbled up and believe me when I say this, they’ll sort out on their own too…” he asked the nurse softly to call Doctor Sophia immediately. “Two years? No way no fucking way!” I started to panic, pushing away the sheet to get up. I winced when the IV got pulled because of my sudden movements. But when I tried to put my weight on my legs, they wobbled and I found myself on the floor. The Doctor very politely helped me back up on the bed, “Easy Y/N, easy. It will take time for your body to adjust to movement. After all you have been on this bed for the past two years!” I tried to calm my breathing and the nurse helped me, signaling me to take deeper breaths and lie back down on the bed. I was glad that she’d covered me with the blanket again as I was just in a hospital gown, tied scantily from the back, with nothing at all underneath. “Better?” the nurse asked smiling sympathetically. I nodded, “What year is it?” I suddenly asked the Doctor who looked like he was solving big number multiplications in his head while staring at me. “It’s 2024. Today its November 3rd, 2024.” My eyes widened as my fingers once again tried to massage my temple, “Fuck!” I mumbled. “Your family has been informed. They’ll probably be on their way right now. All will be fine now. Just take one day at a time dear, one day at a time.” The doctor tapped my shoulder reassuringly before leaving with the nurse. But I could see the Doctor was a bit worried too. God! Why couldn’t I remember anything about the accident? I closed my eyes sighing heavily.

Waking up I could hear people around with a continuous beeping sound. My eyelids felt too heavy as I fluttered them open, trying to see what was going on. “She’s awake! Doctor, we need to call the doctor!” I heard a female voice panic. I was covered in tubes and drips and when I tried to move my limbs, they felt heavy and sore as if I’d been traveling for days, on foot. I opened my mouth to say something but my throat constricted with thirst. It felt like I hadn’t had a single sip of water for days. “Water! Please…” I croaked, to nobody in particular. Then suddenly I felt someone force open my eyes, one at a time, and point a light directly in to them. “Her vitals seem fine.” The doctor said to the nurse next to him. I asked for water again and this time the nurse helped me sip some, my consciousness gradually coming back as my eyes started to focus a bit. “What’s happening? Where am I?” I questioned, panicking. The beeping sound on the machine increased its pace, “Now now… let’s not get too worried there. I assure you Y/N you’ll get answers to all of your questions. But first just let us examine you okay?” The doctor was older than my father. His grey side burns reminded me of him. His tone and words instantly calmed me down as I leaned back and cooperated with the medical staff.

I was in a hospital room, which did not look like a hospital room at all. It looked more like a luxurious hotel room. The blinds were letting in sunlight and giving the room a very dreamy look. The whole room was set up in shades of grey, brown and beige.

-----

How was I here? The room looked too luxurious. There was no way Mother could have afforded it. Maybe a lot changed in the two years I was unconscious for. I hadn’t realized when I’d fallen asleep but the sound of the door opening and closing had woken me up. It was my mother and sister. I sat up, “Oh my God Y/N!” my mother rushed towards me, hugging me so hard that my ribs hurt. She was crying, “Mom I’m fine. I’m okay. Calm down before my BP gets disturbed!” I joked, rubbing her back reassuringly. She moved back, holding my face in her hands, watching me intently, “you’re okay right? You are fine?” She was still worried. “I am fine mom. Seriously, I’m okay!” I repeated. My sister, Marie had just been standing near the door, crying silently. “C’mere!” I called her opening my arms for her and she walked right into them. Holding my hand she kissed it and then smacked my shoulder, “Ow!” I exclaimed. “This is for being a fucking drama queen! Waving in between life and death like that…” she sniffled, “I mean either fucking die or come back! Worrying us like that…” I smiled, knowing her so danm well, she was trying to hide her worry. I had always been closer to my sister than my mother. After my father’s death Mom had changed, a lot. She would say and do stuff she never meant, but it had started hurting and damaging me emotionally. My sister had noticed and taken over the role of my mother as well. But she wasn’t good with showing emotions. “I had to come back. Who would be the third wheel on your dates with Ashton huh?” I nudged her shoulder. She suddenly looked at mother, trying not to look at my eyes. “What?” I looked between them. “We got married last year.” She muttered looking down. My mouth opened and closed. What was I supposed to say to that? We both had been so close, had dreamed of each other’s big days almost all of our lives. She was older so we’d both known she would get married first. “Wow”, it had hurt. “I am so sor… I… I just… we didn’t know if…” I completed her words, “… If I’d make it. Right?” I looked down, mostly because I didn’t want her to see the tears in my eyes. “I am sorry Y/N. I wish I would have waited. Ashton’s mother had gotten sick and she had started all this drama…” I put a hand on her shoulder, “It’s okay. It’s fine. You have the video right?” she nodded enthusiastically, “Great! We’ll watch it first thing after I get out of here.” And with that I hugged her rocking her side to side. “Besides, I’m still single so we still have time to attend mine together right!?” I’d laughed. Marie got back, watching my face with confusion and then looking at Mom with the same look too. “What?” they both exchanged a look I couldn’t place and then laughed. ‘They are being so weird’ I thought. Abruptly they both stood up, “I think we should go and talk to the Doctor. Ask when you can leave yeah?” They nodded at me and then nodded at each other before hurriedly leaving the room.

“Hi” he breathed, taking a step inside. “Hi” I answered grinning like an idiot and adjusting my sheet over my chest, ‘Get a grip Y/N!’ I was about to ask who exactly was he looking for but before I could form the words he’d gingerly crossed the floor and clasped me in his arms hugging me, resting his chin on my shoulder. My hands stood awkwardly in the air not knowing what to do before he said, “I’ve missed you Mrs. Murphy, I’ve missed you so fucking much!”

Just after moments, the nurse had come with my lunch. It was chicken and vegetable soup with bread and apple juice. She advised to take it slow with the food as my body would take time to get used to solid food again, since it had been living on an IV for so long. I’d nodded and as soon as she’d left the room I’d attacked the food. It felt like it was sent from heaven, I was starving. A spoonful had dropped on my gown as well but I didn’t care. I was hungry and there was food to be devoured. My mouth was full of bread dipped in soup when the door had opened. Gulping it down and wiping my mouth in a very unladylike manner, I watched as he entered. My mouth was on my lap, literally. No way, no fucking way. It was him. It was Cillian Fucking Murphy.

He was just standing there, with one hand still on the door handle. The lighting of the room perfectly shading his perfect cheeckbones and face. He was wearing a maroon-ish jumper with his hair ruffled and casual. Just the way he liked, I remembered from one of the articles I’d read online. Suddenly I became more than aware of my disarrayed hair and lack of cloths and regretted not eating with caution. I cursed inwardly, ‘This is the day God grants me my wish to meet this guy in flesh and here I am almost naked and filthy with soup on my gown’ I wanted the floor to swallow me up. Running my hands through my hair I thought about what I should do. This was the guy I had been dreaming about to meet one day, catch a glimpse of somewhere, or just get a signed autograph even. Every magazine his face had ever graced the cover of, was in my room, in plastic protective covers. And he was here! HE WAS HERE! Standing in front of me!!! Would asking for an autograph in a hospital be too rude? God, no! It would be inappropriate. I wonder who he’s come to see here. Maybe one of his parents or his wife? I made a mental note to ask for my phone as soon as my sister returned and check the social media. It had to be on there!

#cillian murphy #cillian x reader #cillian murphy fanfiction #cillian murphy x reader #cillian x fem!reader #cillian murphy x y/n #cillian x y/n #cillian murphy imagine #cillian murphy fic

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wclsh-a · 4 years

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CHARACTER STUDY META.

so, this is mostly a post for my followers who aren’t familiar with twd / shane walsh, and are wondering what kind of character he is. please note that i’m writing this based on how i personally view shane, so some of this might not be actual canon, although i try my best to stick to canon as closely as possible. however, even if you are familiar with shane as a character, i’m hoping this post will give a bit of an idea of how i write shane. anyway... putting this under a read more bc it got kinda long

alright, let me talk about my portrayal of shane walsh for a moment. shane is a guy who starts out being neither entirely good nor entirely bad. i feel like when it comes to shane, a lot of people see him as either or, but what i love about the walking dead is that most of the characters aren’t just all ‘good’ or all ‘bad’. the so-called “good guys” of the series actually do bad things at times, and the “bad guys” of the series actually do good things at times, or at the very least comes off as good at some point or another.

and with shane, he kind of goes through a change throughout the first two seasons. he starts off more on the scale of a “good guy sometimes doing bad things,” but as the series goes on, things gets more and more blurred for him to the point where he ends up more as a “bad guy sometimes doing good things.” i’m not going to go into too much details about what brings about this change, but tl;dr; after believing his best friend, rick, was dead, shane fell in love with and entered a relationship with rick’s wife, lori, and after rick turned out to be alive, lori left shane for rick, while rick basically took over the leadership of the group that shane had been leading and kept safe up until then, and so shane started to blame rick for putting their group in danger and people in their group getting hurt and killed from rick’s decisions (or at least shane sees it as rick’s decision making being the fault,) and shane also struggled to accept and come to terms with how lori was suddenly treating him like he had only been hurtful to her and carl and acted like she never even cared about him to begin with and told him to stay away from them, etc.

.... anyway.... that whole thing’s a mess so i’m not gonna go into that any more in this post.

from before the outbreak, all the way up to when rick came to the atlanta camp, and even a little after rick showed up, shane was shown as someone who cared about people and their safety. some might disagree here, and bring up scenes like where shane refuses to go after and help the people in their group who got stuck in the city as shane not really caring. but when you look at it, the people in the group that was still in camp with shane, was people who either a) was old b) didn’t know how to use a gun / how to fight c) got frightened / terrified / panicked at the sight of walkers and / or d) were just kids. to take any of them into the city where they knew walkers were in large herds in an attempt to save the others? to shane, that seemed more like sentencing them all to death. shane also knew that those in their group who was in trouble in the city was more equipped to handle themselves and had a better chance at figuring out a way to save themselves, and also since shane and the others weren’t able to stay in contact with them over the radio due to poor reception, shane had no guarantee that they would even stay where they were by the time shane and the others could’ve reached them if they did try to go after them. all in all, shane had plenty of reasons to not try to help them, and no reason aside from it ‘being the right thing to do’ to try to help them.

it’s not that he didn’t care or didn’t wish he could help. to him, it just wasn’t worth the risk.

some examples that he did care about others than himself, is how he selflessly put his life at risk to try to help his best friend, rick, who was in a coma at the hospital during the outbreak, and, when he realized there was nothing he could do, he still put a bed against the door to the room rick was in, in a desperate last hope of a miracle that rick could somehow survive. another example, is how shane looked after carol and sophia, even more so after noticing how carol’s husband abused his wife. he always made sure to check up on them, and when carol apologized on behalf of her husband for something her husband did, shane assured her she had nothing to apologize for. and when he finally caught ed in the actual act of trying to abuse his wife, shane intervened and brutally beat him up, warning him to never lay a hand on anyone again. another example is how he looked after jim when he had a sunstroke, making sure he stayed in the shadow, and got enough water and was able to cool down, and when jim got bit, how shane was one of the people who expressed that he didn’t want to kill him and that it didn’t feel right leaving him behind even though jim had asked for it himself.

one thing i’ve noticed is that shane constantly talks about his disapproval when it comes to taking risks that puts the group’s safety at jeopardy, and i mean, if he truly didn’t care, he wouldn’t constantly worry about putting the group’s safety at risk.

that being said...

he also has a lot of flaws and issues.

shane has a mindset where he thinks he’s always right, and struggles to understand other people’s opinions if they’re at odds with his own, even after hearing them out. this goes back to even before the outbreak, but it wasn’t as noticeable back then as post outbreak, as he was more willing to “agree to disagree” in order to maintain the peace, because back then, disagreements rarely meant the difference between life and death, so he could live with swallowing his own pride more easily because it rarely came at much of a cost, whereas decisions after the outbreak often did...

this mentality, especially on top of his strong desire to keep the group safe, can quickly bring out a lot more negative sides to shane when people start disagreeing with him. best case scenario, he’ll think you’re just a naive idiot who he doesn’t much care for or care to listen to (this is usually the case if he thinks you don’t have much influence / power over the rest of the group, like with dale.) worst case scenario, he’ll look at you as a great danger to the group, one that needs to be dealt with to keep the rest of the group safe (this is usually the case if you are in a leadership position, like with rick.) either way, people disagreeing with him can quickly lead to shane becoming frustrated, hotheaded, etc, especially after rick takes over leadership of the group and he starts to feel everyone shift towards supporting rick and no longer listening to anything shane has to say.

also, while shane wants to keep the group safe, he is not always a person you can rely on if you ever get yourself in a pinch. in fact, chances are he’s not going to be willing to risk himself or others to come back for you, unless there’s a really goddamn good chance of success or at the very least a really low risk for others getting hurt / killed. and even then, he’ll be hesitant about it.

he has also proven to be willing to sacrifice a good, decent person to save himself and someone in his own group, as proven when a man not in their group, named otis, accidentally shot rick’s son, carl, and carl ended up needing medical supplies to survive. so when shane and otis went out to get said supplies, and got crowded by a herd as they tried to leave, otis rescued shane, however shane ended up shooting otis in the leg to draw the herd to otis, giving himself an opening to save himself and get the supplies back to carl. he didn’t take any pleasure in doing it, and struggled with it afterwards, but he justified it to himself by the fact that sacrificing otis had ensured that shane had managed to get back with the supplies and thus saving the kid.

shane also has a whole bunch of other issues that are connected to his dynamics with rick and with lori, which includes an obsession with lori, jealousy of rick and lori’s relationship, a growing hatred / resentment towards rick ( partially because of said jealousy, but also partially because he genuinely thinks that while rick has good intentions, he is a danger to the group, especially since the group seems to blindly put their faith in rick and has stopped listening to shane at all.) but that’s a whole different story and this post is already getting too long, rip

#/ i need a hc / chara study tag rip.#/ i feel like i just gave up halfway through writing this and the flaws part of this post is just a mess but whatever #/ i spent too long on this to just not post it lol

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sockatine · 5 years

Text

The Scent of Lavender

((My first self insert fanfic to be posted here! I'll be using the name Califia "Cali" Morales for myself. Paired up with Daryl Dixon from The Walking Dead. Takes place in season 2.))

Light. Sunlight? Yes, that's sunlight. The room is white. Why is it white?

Voices are talking to her. Who are these voices? Obviously they must be her family; mom and dad, to be precise. Sitting up and rubbing her eyes, yawning and stretching, still not completely awake or aware. Even as her eyes fully opened, she had to rub them again. These people's voices still washing over her like white noise, or nighttime ambiance.

Nothing was registering quite yet, until an old man sat at her bedside and asked, in a comforting and gentle tone. "Can you tell us your name?"

That's when it all hit her. With watering eyes, she asked: "Where am I?"

...

When they found this girl passed out in the woods, it was nothing short of strange. She'd fallen out of a tree at Rick's feet, startling him. He checked her pulse, shook her in attempt to wake her up, but nothing. She was still perfectly alive, minus perhaps starving and bruised. And he carried her back to the RV, deciding it was the right thing to do. After all, Rick himself had been in a coma and woken up to an apocalypse. This was a personal sense of sympathy in him.

Needless to say, after much argument, she was allowed to stay. They put her in the bed of the RV and hoped that at some point, she'd come to. Enter their arrival at Hershel's, having one kid shot and the other still missing, along with the mysterious coma-girl. This was enough to get Hershel to allow them all to stay until everything with the group was a-okay.

Now, that she had finally woken up, she'd have to be comforted a bit before getting any answers. It's not like anyone would take it very well when they find they've been in a coma in a tree for god knows how long. "I'm gonna ask you again, and I want you to take a deep breath or two before you answer; What is your name?"

She did take a few deep breaths, as needed. "Califia..."

"Califia?"

"Yes... Califia Morales."

"Alright, Miss. Now, I'm gonna call in the people that found you, so you can give them the answers they want. Is that okay with you?"

"... yes."

Really, it wasn't. None of this was okay, but she knew she needed to give answers to the people who potentially saved her life. The memories were flooding back to her once Hershel called in Rick and some others to meet her. Rick was of course, the one to ask questions and recieve answers.

"Do you remember what happened before you got yourself up in that tree?"

"... There was a crash. A bus crash. A-and I... I don't remember what happened after. I-I know my family wasn't with me, they... don't live in Georgia..."

"Alright. What else do you remember?"

"I... was by myself. Out by myself... dead people were walking a-and hunting me..."

"Uh-huh..."

"I killed some. I tried calling my parents a-and... and-and-"

A deep inhale, and a pause.

"... I kept walking. I lived off what was in my bag, and gathering wild plants. More dead people came and, I went up the tree... but I don't know why I was asleep... I don't..."

"Hey, hey. Don't worry about that. We'll... we'll get you settled. Once we leave, you'll be coming with us."

"I... thanks. Can I go outside now?"

"Yeah, yeah sure."

...

She was sitting by herself, gathering some lavender after a nice, long cry. It was a lot to take in, really. That she had no idea how her family in California was doing. And it would be easier for her to cope with having been all alone, than to realize she'd been completely useless to a group of people who were kind enough to save her. How long had she been dead weight? Was it ungrateful to believe she should've died.

"What's that 'cha got?"

She almost flinched, turning to see some guy looming over her. Must've been one of the group. "... Lavender."

"You always go 'round pickin flowers?"

"It's for tea... I'm sorry, have we met, or...?"

"I'm Daryl."

"Califia. But call me Cali. It's, uh... nice to meet you."

She stood up, holding her hand out for a handshake. Better than just awkwardly talking, crouching over a bush. Daryl shook it, to at least adding something to keep the conversation from getting too awkward. "So, we found you in a tree..."

"Uh, yeah. I... eheh. I guess I figured it was a good way to avoid walkers. They can't seem to climb for shit, really. So, uhm... is there l-like a job or something I should be getting to, or-"

"Hell if I know."

"O-oh. Well, if you need anything... like, anything at all, I'm right here..."

"Right..."

Daryl left ger to her business.

"Oh, uh... it was nice meeting you!" She added. He didn't respond.

Daryl hadn't much of an opinion on her. She seemed nice enough, but frankly he hadn't any idea how good or bad of an addition she'd be. And frankly, nothing she did or said was anything remarkable, noteworthy, or eyecatching. Cali, as she insisted on being called, was short, pudgy, baby faced, and from every other angle Daryl could see, she looked like walker bait. At least she was smart enough to get in a tall place to avoid them, but perhaps she might not be much for fighting back or wilderness survival.

Nonetheless, he'd be willing to see if she could prove herself. It's not like she's useless.

A few days went by, and Daryl noticed a pattern. When given chores by the other members of the group, Cali would attend to them quietly without ever wanting help. Her voice was always soft and meek when she asked for anything, which was rare in itself. Without fail, around dusk, Cali was always sitting at the lavender bush. Either to pick more, or to sit with a notebook. A diary? And she was drinking that tea she said the lavender was for at night, but also in certain times in the afternoon.

Lavender tea was for sleep, and calming nerves. Daryl knew this because of his mom's old remedies she'd use, when he was just a kid.

So far, he'd deducted that Cali was dead meat if she were to go out on her own. She could make it for a certain amount of time, but her nerves would get the best of her and make her clumsy. Ergo, she's walker bait.

...

It was getting lonely, for Cali. She fancied being alone, but not being lonely. But she was tragically insecure; unwilling to talk about her interests with the other ladies, unable to even approach any of the men. The closest she could get was watching Carl when Lori wasn't, and neither one of them actually talked much to her. So logically, Cali wanted some validation out of being useful.

To be frank, the only person Cali really considered approaching and making friends with was Daryl. He also seemed to be partial to being alone, after all. But it's not like he would ever want to activately be friends with her anyway, right? Cali wrote and drew, she was into books and fantasy and mythology. She was a nerd. A total geek. And what was Daryl? Manly as hell, outdoorsy, and a goddamn hunter.

That didn't change the fact though, that when Daryl finally came back with Sophia's doll, Cali was most certainly concerned. She could see him from her lavender bush, he looked absolutely terrible. And it didn't help that Andrea shot him, to which Cali promptly responded with a "What the fuck!?" of disbelief.

As everyone rushed over to help, Cali wasn't really needed. She asked, but Rick told her that all too familiar phrase: "We got this, thanks." But no, she didn't want to be excluded. She wanted to at least do something. To overtly express that she wanted to help and be part of the group; but so far it had all gone from her being too afraid to talk to anyone, to everyone excluding her by assuming she didn't care for anyone.

So Cali decided to do something about it. At least one thing. One nice thing for someone.

So she visited Daryl, inside Hershel's house. With a small gift. Some lavender, with a paper wrapped around it. While he was asleep, she slipped it onto the nightstand.

...

"Hey, Cali!"

She was at the lavender bush again, with her notebook, whipping around to see Daryl holding her gift. "Y-yeah?"

"... you wrote this? Daryl unfolded the paper. It was a poem:

You carry us far Through all your scars Of old and new, Through sun and stars

Take your rest Feel happiness For it's worthwhile to us all

"... Is it bad?"

Daryl sighed in disbelief, taking a seat next to her. "Nah, that ain't it..."

"I didn't mean to bother you, I just wanted to get you a get well-"

"Why though?" "Huh?"

"You're always sitting out here. You got you're notebook, your head in the clouds. Ya don't talk to nobody-"

"I'm sorry."

"-and you apologize for it. What the hell do you do out here?"

She paused, stuck between just dying on the spot or coughing up the notebook. "I... draw. And I write." She handed the notebook to him, so he could go through it himself.

In it were various practice sketches, poems, characters, and unfinished stories. It was a chaotic mess of creation, full of concepts and ideas that may never be fully fleshed out. "It's just weird nerdy stuff... I-I really like mythology, and uh... comics..."

"... This is what you were hiding all this time?" "Yeah..."

Daryl closed the notebook, handing it back to Cali.

"... What use you think any of that has, anyway?"

"I... wait, what do you mean?"

"I mean now that dead people are walking around eating people. How's any of that gonna help?"

Cali paused, thinking for a moment. Not necessarily on what to answer, but rather how to word the answer out. Such a question wasn't one that confused her very much.

"... Well, we got survival down. If we're hungry, we can pick plants and kill animals. If we're tired, we can make a shelter that's safe. But... what's the point of it all?"

"... That doesn't answer my question."

She gave him a look. For once, it was a more assertive look; like what she was about to say was something painfully obvious. Like he should have known, by now. "Animals survive. Humans live. And what's the point of surviving if you can't live?" She tapped her notebook. "This here is... how I live."

Cali opened up the notebook, flipping to a page in which she was drawing a kraken. "So that's why I'm always here with my notebook. It's quiet so I can focus, and it smells nice with the lavender here. So there."

The conversation ended there, and she expected Daryl to once again take his leave. But, he didn't. He was still sitting there, watching her doodle away. Her drawing wasn't particularly amazing, but... it was okay. He could tell she wasn't actually paying him much mind. Just, focused on her work. But Cali knew he was there, watching. She just had yet to realize she was fine with it.

And they just kind of stayed like that for a while. Sitting in silence at the lavender bush.

((Special thanks to @kiksselfships for encouraging me most to embrace my self insertion, and @skollwriting for giving me the match up that inspired this new ship))

#self insert #self ship #twd #twd daryl #daryl dixon #fanfic #self indulgent stuff

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nonsimsical · 6 years

Text

“I’m pregnant.”

She sat staring at nothing, her face taking on a blank look and Braylie was pretty sure she was holding her breath. When she finally spoke, Braylie sighed.

“Freeman married me while I was in a coma?” Faye asked.

“Yes.”

“How?”

“Your sister called your preacher and he came out and your brother in law called a judge and your sisters and the judge were witnesses to your … getting married.”

“How is that possible?”

“Jaymie spoke on your behalf. Freeman had the judge write in a clause though if you had decided you didn’t want to be his wife when you were of sound mind to make your own decisions, that the marriage could be annulled and not be a “divorce.”” Braylie sat her cup down, clasping her hands in front of her on the table. “What?”

“I just.. Why didn’t he tell me?” She asked.

Braylie shrugged. “It’s very controversial, wouldn’t you think? Also, it’s not like you said “I do,” right? You died several times on the operating table, not to mention in the ambulance before even arriving and Freeman saw all of that.”

“He didn’t tell me that, either.”

She sighed, loudly. “Faye. Why would he tell you about that? I mean, seriously. Would that of helped you recover faster knowing the man you love watched you die twice over and then only to be told your heart stopped a few times during surgery and had to be put in a medically induced coma to try to prevent brain damage?” She paused, pushing her her tea and cake out of the way so she could hold her friends hands in hers. “Freeman is going to tell you in his own time and when he thinks it’s safe to tell you. You’re recovering at a remarkably fast rate. Faster than anyone, including your Doctors, even estimated. He wouldn’t do anything that could or would set you back.”

“How long did you know?” She was looking at their hands. “About me being married.”

“Since right after it happened. Sophia was in almost a catatonic state. She spoke only to Freeman until Oona and I showed up. I think that was what pushed him to the edge.” She rubbed her thumb over Faye’s knuckles. “Oona took her to Freeman’s Mother’s where Amora was. The Doctor came out and said that they’d put you in a coma and that you’d died. Freeman panicked. He didn’t know if you and Sophie had medical insurance or not and..” She stopped herself from saying too much.

“So..” Faye started. “I became a Rodriguez and didn’t even get to see it?”

“Is that what is upsetting you?”

“B, do you know how many times I fantasized about marrying Freeman?”

Braylie snorted, throwing her head back. “Oh geeze, Faye.”

“Don’t oh geeze me!” She pouted.

“No one else was there. Freeman, Jaymie and Mads announced later that you and he were married. The only people who had questions were the ones that were involved with the nuptuals and those of your family. Freeman’s family just accepted it and left when he told them to.”

Faye smirked. “They’re good people.”

“How’d you find out anyways?” Braylie asked. “I’m assuming since you didn’t know who your husband was, you didn’t find out from Freeman.”

“Hospital called to confirm my MRI next week to see how my skull is healing. Lady called me by my first name, but said my husband didn’t answer so they called me.”

Braylie shook her head, then made a face.

“Hey, you ok? You look a little pale.”

Braylie took a slow, deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Mm.. uh, no. I don’t think so.” She got up and ran for the sink by the BBQ, losing what little was in her sensitive stomach. “Oh gouda cheese, I hope this doesn’t last long.”

“Are you sick?” Faye said, a panic edging into her voice. With her weak immune system, it was hell getting her doctor to approve her early release home. If she ended up getting sick, she’d land herself right back in the prison. “Braylie, I can’t get sick!”

“I’m not..” Anything else she was about to add was cut off as she began dry heaving. “Uhg, WHY!?” She moaned into the sink.

Faye stood up carefully, walking over to brick counter and leaning against it so she could rub Braylie’s back. “If you’re not sick, then why are you throwing up? Was there too much ginger?”

“No,” she laughed. “I’m pregnant.”

Faye’s hand stopped and she stared at the back of Braylie’s head, not able to form words.

@liaryoullpayforyoursims @charsimatic @thecuriousclementine

#Braylie Lane #Braylie Lane Bartolini #the Bartolini's #the Bartolini's GEN 2 #sims3stories #sims3rp #ts3 #my sims #mine #pixelore #Tyler Shannon #charsimatic #Faye Rodriguez

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igotanaddixon · 7 years

Text

Ocean Eyes (Rick Grimes x Reader)

A/N: This one is a request from my Wattpad account. I’m sorry if the way I write Reader inserts is not “conventional” and if I describe too much the reader. I’ll try to do better with the other ones I will post in the future.

Imagine waking up from a coma after being hit by a car. The world has ended and the only person you have left is this man, who also woke up from a coma in the same hospital... Rick.

THE SONG AT THE END OF THE IMAGINE IF YOU WANT TO LISTEN TO IT. I DO NOT OWN THIS SONG OR THE CHARACTERS OF THE WALKING DEAD.

Fandom: The Walking Dead

Pairing: Rick x Reader

Forever tag list: @weirdnewbie @villainlove @fizzy-custard @fictionalquintessence @ealasaid @xalexandriaxk @maidenadventure @sdavid09 @lainternettuale @deepestfirefun @shewalksinanotherworld @fangirl570 @tschrist1 @babybarrie @fandomgalcentral @dreamingoftheza @meganlpie @sesshomaru-lover

Don’t know if you guys like TWD so tell me if you don’t want to be in the tag list for TWD stuff ^^

Ocean Eyes

You could feel the pressure of Rick's knee against yours as you sat on a log before the fire, outside the prison. The familiarity of it made you blush, even in the darkness of the Georgian summer night. It was embarrassing, to openly care about this man like this. It felt weird, dangerous and also painfully, pitifully new.

That it was happening in the middle of such chaos only made it a little easier to pretend to ignore.

You had to swallow up your feelings for the married man, even if it felt impossible.

Months before, you had woken up in an hospital, not knowing what happened to you or where you were.

'Disoriented.' That's how Rick had explained how he felt to the group during your first night at camp. For you it had been different.

"This is real life, (Y/N)." You had told yourself. And you were right. This was your life now.

You remembered rolling out of the hospital bed, wearing a simple scratchy light green robe. The room you were in was covered in dust and the flowers on your bedside had long withered. A small piece of paper had been placed next to the flowers, you had reach for it, you had read it over and over again, you had cry over it for hours before deciding to slip it into your pocket and leave the room to face the reality.

You were now living alone in the middle of the apocalypse.

I've been watching you for some time Can't stop staring at those ocean eyes Burning cities and napalm skies Fifteen flares inside those ocean eyes Your ocean eyes

Although, you didn't stay alone for a long time. As you made your way out of the bedroom, you couldn't help but be scared. The dark hallways, the walls painted with dirt and blood, the smell of death, even the roads of the city you had once called home were burnt and desolated... Everything made you want to give up but that is when you saw him. A man in the same light green robe as you were in when you woke up. You had staid quiet, observing him. You watched him for quite some time until he turned around and your breath hitched. You couldn't stop staring into his ocean eyes.

You had froze, he had walk towards you. No words had been said for a while until tears slowly started to run down your cheeks. 'I'm scared.' You had said. 'I know. I am too.' He had answered. And since that moment Rick had protected you. He became your hero and your only family.

You had been through so much together, in only a few days. You had found Morgan and his son, you had been on the road to find Rick's family when you already knew yours was gone.

You didn't want to let the soar feeling of jealousy grip your heart when he found his wife but it seemed impossible. You knew you had no right to break their family but you couldn't help it. You cared for Rick. Even if he didn't care as much for you as you did for him. Your heart was broken since the day you had found the group in Atlanta. When you reached the camp outside the city to see Rick and his wife reunited. You felt out of place. You felt alone again. It wasn't fair. You couldn't understand why you had fell so quickly for this man.

No fair You really know how to make me cry When you give me those ocean eyes I'm scared I've never fallen from quite this high Falling into your ocean eyes Those ocean eyes

Every time you would look into Rick's ocean eyes, you would want to cry. Even if you were a strong woman, this man was your weakness. It was hard to love someone who will never be able to return your feelings. Anyway, nobody said that you couldn't care for a friend or for his family so you started to support him and Carl. Lori was another story. She was wary of you, as if you would try to steal her husband. You were fuming in the inside because you could see the looks she received from Shane. You knew something was up between these two and knowing that she might have been cheating on Rick made you feel sick in the stomach.

This man deserved so much more.

You had supported Rick when he decided to go back into Atlanta to find Merle. You had his back, not wanting something bad to happen to him. You promised Carl that you would brought his dad back. And you did. After that, you had also supported Rick's decision to go to the CDC. When you arrived there, you had drank yourself to sleep wanting to forget everything.

"You're the only one who have faith in me, (Y/N)."

Rick had said while sharing a bottle of wine with you when everyone was already asleep.

"I will always have your back, Rick. Always, until I die and turn..."

"I won't let this happen to you. Never. I'll protect you with my life if I have to, (Y/N)."

You had shook your head at his words. He was definitely drunk.

"No Rick. You have your family. Focus on them, I don't matter."

"You do. You're my family too now."

He said and tilted his head to the side, an antic that was an habit of him when he wanted to be serious about something. You had chuckled and looked into his ocean eyes once again. A soft smile appeared on your lips and you nodded your head in agreement.

"You're my family too."

I've been walking through A world gone blind Can't stop thinking of your diamond mind Careful creature Made friends with time He left her lonely with a diamond mind And those ocean eyes

The same night, you had walked into Shane and Lori having a fight. You had heard Shane's desperate words. You had heard him say that he loved Rick's wife. You had heard what he truly thought about his best friend. For him, Rick wasn't made to be your leader, he couldn't protect his family. Since then, you couldn't look at Lori with respect. You knew what she was. She wasn't able to trick you anymore but Rick was still blind. Even if deep down, you suspected him to know or at least to have some suspicions.

After the CDC went down, you had spent some times on the road. When Sophia went missing and Rick went after her alone, you had followed him into the woods. You ignored the screams of the others who tried to stop you. You couldn't let him take this risk alone. Nobody else tried to help him.

Unfortunately, you lost Sophia again. Carol had blame Rick for leaving her daughter alone and as always you had been the only one to truly have the Sheriff's back. You had spent hours that night trying to convince him that it wasn't his fault if Sophia was missing. You had felt proud of yourself when he had finally crack a smile that night.

The day after, you had followed him, Shane and Carl when the others went back to the road. You didn't trust Shane enough to leave Rick alone with him. Unfortunately, you series of drama continued when Carl was shot by accident by Otis. Rick was devastated as you reached Hershel's farm, you couldn't help but let the tears fall down your cheeks as the man you loved was crying over his unconscious and wounded son. The small boy had also became one of your priorities as Lori wasn't really good at keeping an eye on him. When Rick couldn't give more units of blood to his son without the threat of sinking into another coma, you had offered yours. Carl was like your son, you had to do something.

Rick had thanked you over and over for your selfless action. The man staid by your side and held your hand while watching over his son. You heart had skip a beat, the electrifying feeling of his warm skin over yours being soothing and perfect. Your small bubble of happiness had soon vanished when Lori arrived and saw her son. Rick had rushed towards her, keeping her in his arms. You looked away, feeling your heart break once again.

Was it even possible to pick up the pieces anymore?

After some time trying to find Sophia and staying at the farm, you started to get closer and closer with Carl. The child was always attached to your hip and you loved to take care of him. Lori had been reluctant at first but she had soon accepted your presence in Carl's life. You knew Rick had to do something with her shift of behavior.

Your life was starting to get better and the hole in your chest started to fill with happiness again until you found out that Lori was pregnant, that she had tried to loose the baby with abortion pills and that she hadn't tell Rick yet.

"You can't tell him, (Y/N)!"

Lori had cried, gripping your arm.

"And why not?!"

You almost screamed, anger written on your face.

"It... It would break him and he doesn't need that in addition to all the worries he has at the moment."

"Why would it break him, Lori? It's his baby too!"

The thin woman had staid quiet. She looked away, not wanting to cross your gaze.

"It's his baby too, right?"

You had asked in a rather threatening voice, taking a few steps towards the woman.

"I don't know..."

You heard her weak voice say over the warm Georgian wind. You ran the palm of your hands over your face in exasperation.

"Oh good Lord... You must be kidding me!"

You screamed and threw your hands in the air. Lori looked back up at you with fear in her eyes.

"Calm down, (Y/N). Please."

"I won't calm down! You're saying that the baby you're having isn't Rick's! So what? I should keep my mouth shut when you're having little Shane?"

Lori had gasped and covered her mouth with her hands but you couldn't care less. You turned around and ran back into your tent, your life was such a mess at this point that you didn't know what to do. How could you look into Rick's eyes and lie to him about his own wife and her pregnancy?

No fair You really know how to make me cry When you gimme those ocean eyes I'm scared I've never fallen from quite this high Falling into your ocean eyes Those ocean eyes

Once again, the farm had been overrun and you had to leave. Rick killed Shane, Sophia was dead and you had been able to leave with Rick, Hershel and Carl. Hopefully, almost the entire group had safely escaped the farm, minus Andrea, Jimi and Patricia. You were back on the road and Rick had only been talking to Daryl and you. That's true that he had lied to the entire group about the infection. It had been a shock to hear the words falling from his lips that night after the farm. "We're all infected. Whatever it is, we all carry it." This couldn't be true. Carl had gripped your hand that night and didn't let go until he fell asleep.

The entire winter had been rough on the group and Lori being pregnant didn't help. Rick started to be distant with his wife, not finding the strength to forgive her for cheating on him with his best friend. Carl was also pissed off at his mom and looked to you for almost everything.

At some point, you even felt bad for the woman so you started to help her. You spent some time with Hershel and Carol, learning how to deliver a baby or how to do a C-section. You couldn't let anything happen to this baby.

At the end of the winter, Rick and Daryl found your new home. The prison. It was the perfect place, big walls, high fences and secured cell blocks. You only had to clear the area and deal with some inmates but the place was as perfect as it could be for a prison in the middle of the apocalypse. It would also be safe to deliver the baby. Unfortunately, you forgot that nothing happens like you thought it would in this new world. When everything started to get better, the prison got attacked by walkers and everyone got separated. Glenn, Rick and Daryl were outside the fences. Hershel and Beth were safe but you couldn't see T-Dog and Carol as you ran back into the prison with Carl, Lori and Maggie. You hid with them, your heart beating hard against your chest. You were scared and what happened next is still haunting your nights.

"I can't do it!"

Maggie cried as Lori was pleading her to save her baby and let her die. Carl was crying, Maggie was crying and so were you.

"You have to! Save my baby. You see my previous C-section scar? Do it there."

Lori said, looking at Maggie with determination in her eyes. You shook your head while Carl was crying even more.

"Lori we should wait. I can go and clear the hallway, make a diversion so you can reach Hershel or..."

"No (Y/N)!"

Lori screamed, making you and Carl jump.

"We can't, I will loose the baby."

"But... Mommy..."

Carl tried but Lori was pleading Maggie once again. Your friend agreed reluctantly and you couldn't help but sob as Lori said her goodbyes to her son.

"(Y/N)..."

She called your name, her voice shaking with sobs. You wiped the tears away from your cheeks and laid your hand on Lori's shoulder softly.

"Y... Yes Lori, I'm here."

"Take care of my boy for me, would you. He will need you. And... Rick too. I know you won't let him down, you never did."

You shook your head and bit your lips.

"Lori I'm so sorry..."

"Don't be... I know you have feelings for him and I know you never acted on it for us. Thank you."

You looked down into her brown eyes, your tears falling down directly on her shirt. You felt ashamed in a way because you didn't hide your feelings enough but knowing that Lori forgave you was unexpected. You nodded your head and kissed her forehead.

"I will protect them with my life if I have to."

You promised the dying woman. After that, everything happened too fast. Maggie had plunged the knife into Lori's belly, her scream had been horrifying. The poor woman pasted out from the pain and when the baby was safely wrapped into Maggie's arms, Carl decided to put his own mother down. You didn't even have the time to protest.

Unfortunately, what haunted your nights even more was the sounds of despair and sadness that erupted from Rick's throat as he saw Maggie with the new born child in her arms. You had tried to reach for him, you had tried to calm him down but nothing you did helped.

After that day, Rick had sunk into a shocked state, he spent hours alone in the tombs to kill every single Walker that crossed his path. You knew you had to leave him some space, it was even dangerous to be near him at the moment so you focused on Carl and the baby girl. She didn't have a name yet, even if Daryl named her 'Little Asskicker'. You wanted Rick or Carl to name her, it should be them.

It has been a week since Lori's death now and you were currently sat on Carl's bed, singing the baby girl to sleep. Carl was also listening to you with a soft smile on his lips. The first one since his mother died.

No fair You really know how to make me cry When you gimme those ocean eyes I'm scared I've never fallen from quite this high Falling into your ocean eyes Those ocean eyes.

You finished the song softly before kissing the small baby's forehead. You laid her carefully in the box you used as a bed, next to Carl's bed. The young boy looked at you before talking.

"She doesn't have a name yet."

"I know sweetie."

You answered him in a soft voice. Carl tapped his chin, deep in thoughts.

"You told me you have a second firstname right?"

He asked you suddenly. You chuckled and nodded your head.

"Yes I have one. Why are you asking me this?"

"What is it? You never told me."

Carl said with a small smirk.

"You really wanna know huh?"

You teased the young boy who only answered you with a quick nod.

"Alright. It's Judith."

You told him, watching his reaction.

"I like it."

He said before yawning. You chuckled again and bent down to kiss his cheek.

"You should sleep now, trooper."

Carl smiled and turned to his side, hugging his pillow.

"Goodnight (Y/N). Goodnight dad."

He said before closing his eyes.

"Goodnight son."

You heard Rick southern voice say from behind you. You slowly turned around to meet his intense gaze. His deep blue eyes sparkling as he was looking at you. You got up and walked towards him. He said nothing at first but you couldn't help it. You suddenly hugged him tight, hiding your face in the crook of his neck. It took him some time but he hugged you back eventually.

"Can we talk outside for a moment?"

He asked you and you nodded in agreement as you pulled away. Rick lead the way out of the prison and sat before the small fire the group has started just outside the cell block. You sat next to him, your knees touching. You were afraid to break the silence but Rick spoke first.

"The man you're talking about in your song... Why did he make you cry?"

You looked at him, shocked that he would even ask about the song.

"It... It was just a song."

"Hm... Didn't seem like it."

The silence settled back between the two of you. Until you broke it this time.

"It's not the man's fault. He's a good man. The best I've ever known actually. It's me the problem, I was in the way."

Rick looked at you, an expression you couldn't quite read on his features.

"I don't think that you are the problem. Maybe the man was too blind to see what was before him, all this time."

Your breath hitched. Was it possible? Was he really saying this right now? Was it all a dream?

"You have always been the one to have my back. You almost gave your life more than once to save me or my son. Even my wife."

He bit his lips and looked away for a second before focusing his eyes on you once again.

"And even now, you're taking care of Carl and the baby as if they were your own. I was blind (Y/N). I couldn't see the true happiness when it was standing just before my eyes."

You had to swallow up your tears as you listened to him. You tried so hard to stop loving him but it was impossible. Rick Grimes was your savior, your hope, your only family.

"I am so sorry if I've hurt you in any way (Y/N). It wasn't my intention."

"Rick stop."

You said just above a whisper.

"You did nothing wrong. We weren't... Meant to be. You're a married man with a family. I couldn't ask anything from you."

"So you devoted your life to my family?"

"It was the only way I found to be close to you."

You confessed as you looked into the flames before you. After a while, you felt a rough but gentle hand lace his fingers with yours. You looked down at your hand then up at Rick.

"I told you a long time ago (Y/N). You are my family now."

You searched his eyes for a moment before breaking into tears. Rick brought you into a warm hug and kissed your head multiple time while trying to comfort you. You gripped his shirt not wanting this moment to end. You were so deeply in love with this man that it hurt. You knew he needed some time to start a relationship again, who could not understand that? But as you rested your cheek on his chest, he said those three words that you will never forget.

"I love you."

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#The Walking Dead #Rick Grimes #rick x reader #rick grimes x reader #the walking dead imagine #the walking dead fanfiction #Andrew Lincoln #amcthewalkingdead #daryl dixon

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cozythingz · 5 years

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Book Review for The Belles by Dhonielle Clayton!

**THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS. Read a spoiler-free version of this review here: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/2879765274

**The TL;DR at the bottom of this review contains no spoilers I'm really tired so I don't know how well I'll be able to write a review right now but.... This book was amazing. I read this book in a whopping 2 days (which is insanely fast for me).

God, I'm so terrible at explaining what a book is about! So the book is about a world where everyone (except a few) is born grey. Those that don't turn grey are called Belles, and they can make others beautiful. They can change anyone's body into almost any shape and size they desire (within the bounds of the human body of course). Camellia is one of the few Belles who has been trained her whole life to make people beautiful.

The book opens with Camellia and her Belle sisters on their 16th birthday. They are about to start their new life by performing for the queen (and an enormous crowd) to determine where they will be placed. Camellia, like almost all of the Belles, wants to be the favourite. And she's prepared to work hard for it. This book hooked me in straight from the start.

The beginning of the book is super sugary sweet. I was taken aback because I just finished the Vampire Academy series and I spent months reading it. This book is so different from that. I don't think I've ever read such a tasty pastry of a book before. I can see it being a bit much for some people, but don't worry. The sugary goodness doesn't last long. We go from sweet naivety to growing uneasy to full-blown horror as the book progresses. The book does a complete 180 and I loved every second of it.

I haven't read The Hunger Games, I've only seen the movies. But right from the start, I found myself imagining all the people in the same getup as Effie Trinket, because that's basically how they're all described. It was pretty cool, not gonna lie.

I like how not everything magically falls into place for Camellia. She wasn't chosen as the favourite. I was really confused when I read the description of the book over again because it heavily implied that she would be the "chosen one". But she wasn't. She was second best, and I was really not expecting it. Almost every book I've read has been about the main character getting everything they want basically.

I really couldn't put this book down, it was so addicting. I had to know what was going to happen next. A couple of the major plot twists I saw coming but I didn't mind it at all. I don't mind guessing right :P

Thoughts on the villain: Thanks to one of the top reviewers for this book for completely spoiling who the villain is. You don't actually know for sure who the villain is until about halfway through the book, so cheers! Anyway, the villain is a psycho sadist who's very sick in the head. Imagine the most narcissistic and jealous person you can and times it by 10.

Thoughts on the romance: The love story here really resembles Frozen. We have super naive Anna (Camellia) falling in love with the first guy she sees: Hans (Auguste) and realizing that the guy she fell for was actually a villain deceiving her all along and starts to fall for the second guy she sees: Kristoff (Remy). Except Camellia hasn't quite fallen for Remy yet. But I'm pretty certain she will.

Thoughts on the LGBT characters in this book: My god, people will complain about anything. I see some people who are mildly upset that “the only LGBT character in this book was killed off to further the plot”. First of all, there is more than one LGBT character in this book. And second of all, the character’s sexuality had nothing to do with what happened to them. That’s just how it came together. Do you want the author to mess up the story just because you’re upset that an LGBT character died? Also, some were wanting more to come from the brief mention of a transgender person, but that isn’t what this story is about. If you want a full-fledged LGBT book, go read a proper LGBT book. I swear people complain more about partial representation in books than no representation at all. That’s not really encouraging authors to incorporate more LGBT characters into their books. Just be happy that normal representation is happening and stop bashing people for precisely HOW they represent them.

Thoughts on the ending: I feel like they should have taken Charlotte with them, even though it would have slowed them down. What's the point in waking her up if you're just going to leave her with Sophia. There is no one to stop her from sending her right back into a coma again, or worse. Later on, we find out that the princess has gone missing and somehow escaped the castle. That sounds pretty impossible to me not gonna lie. She just woke from a coma, she's not walking or running anywhere. And Sophia was about 2 seconds from breaking down that door, no time to hide her or anything like that. So I'm kind of curious to know what the story behind that will be in the next book. PS. Yay! We’re gonna get more Edel in the next book :D

Edit: why didn’t Sophia’s mother ever do anything about her daughter? She’s the queen, and she’d seen what terrible things her daughter was capable of for years. She could have sent her away. I’m still fairly certain that Sophia made her mother sick and later die. If Sophia has been sent away, perhaps none of this would have happened. Maybe she should go work for the Gris for a few years. That’ll teach her not to take all the things she already has for granted.

Also, in the beginning, the papers claim that one of the court ladies is addicted to beauty or whatever. Getting too many beauty transformations. But Sophia has the biggest beauty addiction of them all and no one seemed to comment on it. She couldn’t go a few HOURS without changing her look. Idk it just seemed weird to me.

Dhonielle did an amazing job with this book and I couldn't resist buying it when I was actually currently reading it for free haha.

TL;DR: -Very sugary sweet starting off but it doesn't last long -Not much romance (just a crush, really), and for once I didn't mind not having a lot of romance -A very well-done, truly chilling villain -Very dark underneath all the layers of beauty on the surface. -Addicting as hell -A couple of predictable things but it was still a very enjoyable book

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adhdcharleybrewster · 7 years

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I had a fix-it au I was gonna write once where agustus escapes with delta and all the little sisters and also delta makes it but he's in a coma for a while so I remember only bits and pieces But I remember elanor understood delta pretty well just by his like, posture or something simple, and agustus said it was nice to be able to see his face and that way they could at least communicate a little And anyway the plot was elanor and agustus spent a long time trying to figure out how to remove the suit without killing delta, ect, and it starts when he wakes up and sees elanor and he and elanor and agustus live in this little house on the beach and elanor learns that agustus calls delta Johnny and like he tells her stories about him from Before everything and delta starts to remember who he was before the big daddy program because of the stories and Agustus has this Big moment where he's asking for forgivness because he's one of the reasons Johnny ended up as delta and it took a long time to get a response cos Johnny has to write it all down cos he's mute and none of them have learned sign language well enough yet (that was another thing, them learning sign language) Anyway Johnny forgives him because if he hadn't been a big daddy he wouldn't have elanor and he probably would have died down in rapture and also Sinclair helped save him and bah blah turns out they had an almost sort of relationship before the big daddies program and Johnny starts to remember it and Sinclair has a lot of moments where he's upset because of the "things he had to do to survive rapture" blah ect And also elanor is really great and she and Sinclair got along really well during Johnny's coma because they both had a common goal which was bring back delta, and because they both cared about him so much, and blah, it just set a good foundation for them having a good father/daughter relationship and also they can both shot talk Sophia together sjdjshsksn But yeah it was just a thing, I hadn't worked out how Sinclair made it yet like, maybe he wasn't dead and he ended up being okay cos he was in his diving suit and he got to the surface the same way delta does in the ending Anyway all of the au was based off of the Good Ending but that was probably obvi And anyway, elanor (with a little instructional help from sinclair) is the one who figured out how to take his suit off and not damage him ect , she's a smart cookie And anyway, all the rescued little sisters either get returned to their parents if their parents were on the surface (like that one guy said in the logs how his daughter was kidnapped) and if they actually are orphans, Sinclair and elanor take reallly good care of them whole finding them good homes (all of that happening while delta is still in a coma) Anyway I just love the idea of sinclar, Johnny, and elanor living in a little house by the beach, being a happy family, with Sinclair telling them stories about when rapture was good/ life on the surface before rapture (since Johnny doesn't remember and elanor was born in rapture) and anyway they just all have a good time doing science and experiencing surface life and being a family And Delta/Johnny is just so fucking happy to have his daughter and Sinclair and not be alone and stuck in that suit where people can't even read his facial expressions or body language (there were a lot of jokes about the faces he made at Sinclair and eanoe I remember that from the small bit I wrote) Anyway eventually they all learn sign laungague and its all domestic bliss and elanor and johnny help each other through their ptsd, and Sinclair doesn't understand it the way they do/the way they understand each other but he's still supportive of them, mostlly, even if he still kind of is the same self serving business man he was before. For the most part, seeing what delta went through and spending time with elanor changed that And idk maybe elanor could show him all the memories she got from delta since like, Sinclair was a big daddy for a bit and elanor has her Powers and shit ... Either way Sinclair has changed a lot as a person over the course of the game's canon, and what happened before Johnny woke up Wow this post is long but I'm going to keep writing it cos this is for personal reference no one wants to hear my bioshock 2 Agustus Sinclair/ subject delta aka Johnny Topside fix it au and I just feel like talking about it Eleanor is growing up in a way her mother could be proud of if she hadn't been so intent on her child being the messiah If she was just happy with a smart, talented, extremely caring, imaginative, determined, and hard working daughter, like a good parent would be. Like Sinclair and Johnny are. They are very proud of her and she is very happy to be back with delta in a place where they're both safe and don't have to wear giant armoured diving suits and get constantly shot at just for having a bond that neither of them panned on in the first place. Sinclair, Delta/Johnny, and Elanor are all that's left of Rapture, (except perhaps gil alexander who might be able to survive and might be some kind of sea ceature I... Was never clear on exactly how that worked or what he was) and they have each other and they're picking up the pieces together and trying to get used to life above ground and Sinclair is trying to talk them through things BUT HE'S BEEN UNDERWATER A WHILE TOO, so things have changed. Johnny starts to remember things from above ground and helps him out some times. Eleanor is just in awe of everything about the surface and how different it is and like, making friends, seeing other people her age, that's also extremely new and good to her. Going to school and stuff. Sinclair makes a lot of money off a book about rapture, provably (now we're at the part where I'm making stuff up as I go) he and Johnny probably could have a little bit of fame going and Johnny doesn't want that, he's content just to live a peaceful life and have elanor back, but Sinclair is writing books and going on the radio and doing newspaper interviews cos Lord knows he loves a lil money and fame. Johnny just stays home reading, listening to the radio, cooking for elanor & augustus, doing monotonous things because he's had enough "excitement" for several life times. Anyway, Elanor is adjusting well, and when she has trouble, she's always got her father. Sinclair is doing well, and though he didn't get his private island and his bouquets made out of money, his press and living on the beach with Johnny is close enough. Johnny is just happy to be alive because he's almost died (or actually died) at least 5 times,, he's content just to keep the house up, go see a movie every once in a while, and spend his time learning whatever he can, because he's been gone a long time. Like physically and mentally, he hasn't been around in a while. Anyway this might be the longest post I've ever made, but.... Everyone's happy and alive, just a sweet, soft spoken, prodigy daughter, a mute hero father who has the routine of a retiree, and a boastful business man dad who actually didn't mind settling down a bit as much as he thought he would have.

#wpah this is fucking long jm suprised i had the faculty to write out that mucb #even if a lot of it is probably redudnant pr doesntake sense #its not like i proof read it #i mean its 6 am and i habent gottwn any sleep #thats why its so damn rambly #im sleepy and this is what i wanted to talk about #cos ive been thinking about delta a lot

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queencarlyelizabeth-blog · 7 years

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First Blog~

I just woke up over heated but in a 60°F room. Problems of fibromyalgia, night sweats, sounds gross right? Well its life. I chose the coldest room in the house for a reason when we had moved in here about 7, maybe 8 years ago. With fibromyalgia I get the "chills" a lot like I can be freezing my ass off or I'll be over heating which is usually always. My logic is, is that I prefer being cold because I can at least bundle up but when I'm over heated I can't cool down as fast and it's just uncomfortable for me. Maybe that's a reason my pink blanket had become more of a security blanket to me? I know I'm 20 years old and can't sleep anywhere else without my favorite blanket, silly me, I doubt I am the only one though. I end up needing to wash them often due to the dogs loving the softness of the fabric. Their fur sheds so much, it gets stuck and then it's like I have a new blanket of dog fur. I have two dogs that are getting up there in age, the first one is Hunny and she is I believe a German shepherd/Shibba type mix cause of the coloring but we really have no idea of her mix but she's the sweetest, unique dog, and we ever so were lucky to have this 8 year old lady. 2 years ago she got diagnosed with diabetes and almost died we worked hard to getting her body working with her again and so did our other dog Sophia who isn't here with us anymore she ended up passing away shortly after that. Hunny, as you guys hear in my streams, being grumbly sometimes, is doing great! I have a little dog too her name is tiger-lily, we think she's a Papillion type breed, she's turning 5 this year and for all that have seen her, she's so tiny for being 5, but she's a small dog breed, can't help it. She was taken from her mom too early and I had to still be bottle fed puppy formula, was the cutest breath, I will have to upload pictures someday of when they were babies. But back on topic to my day. I decided to try and stream some creative stuff and we did some karaoke with friends. I heard some grim news today about my grandma. My mom has been in Texas for the past year taking care of her mother, my grandmother. She first has a knee replacement surgery that caused her to have a bed sore that got severely infected in her back that got into her bones, they ended up eventually removing her tailbone, and then later on needing to just amputate her leg above the knee. Her entire body is shutting down and she has slipped into a coma. The nurse came by early this morning to check on her and said she was barely breathing and her organs were almost completely shut down. So it's any day now it seems which is hard for me and my mom and well the entire family I suppose because in 2 days, on the 23rd it'll be 2 years that Sophia passed away and that’s really hard on my mom cause it's her mom and her dog who was like her child both passing on, it's just so hard. I'm struggling a lot with the whole grandma thing because I was supposed to go out there in October. But with having all my medical problems my Neurologist said it would be better off if I didn't leave until we figured out what was going on with my seizures exactly. My dad lost his job, we lost insurance, medi-cal didn’t want to find me a neurologist at the time, even now I'm struggling to find a new neurologist. But at least my dad has a new job but the new insurance still doesn’t kick off till June 1st. And I'm going to have to find a new Rheumatologist as well as a neurologist so it's going to be rough but it’s my life.

I tried streaming a bit ago and I was just getting trolled a lot and it has been happening more and more but I mean it is to be expected it is the internet, but I wish people would treat others with respect. I go by a quote: "Treat others how you want to be treated." so I expect to be treated the same with the same amount of respect. I tell people on my overlay and its right there in their faces that I have seizures, and what do they do, still try to do what they can to trigger me to have one on stream because they think it's funny. They make fun of my weight, because they don’t understand about medications having weight gain capabilities. Or for the fact I've actually lost 30lbs since being on bedrest, but no one looks at the weight lost, the just see the blubber that’s still there. It's just a cruel world that lies here. I usually hide most of the depression and anxiety I face behind a mask that has sarcasm and a smile and laughter so people don’t have to be burdened by me, but sometimes people still see through that. I try to stay positive though, knowing others go through things similar, or even worse things from day to day. Life moves on and tomorrow lies another day and another post stay tuned.

p.s please let me know what i should change or like write about. I am new to all this but i’m working on all this so i hope you all enjoy!

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