#i was honestly so mad at myself when i realized i didnt own a physical copy of thud while i was writing this

[yeehawpim]

#original comic #comic #writing #terry pratchett #thud! #artists on tumblr #my comic #my art #i was honestly so mad at myself when i realized i didnt own a physical copy of thud while i was writing this #i had to buy the ebook to pull that line cuz there werent any available at my library or local bookstores

[blissfulparker]

Seasick Pt.7→Peter Parker friends to lovers AU

Parings: College!Peter Parker x reader friends to lovers

Summary: when you give one lie to your mom that you have a boyfriend, she ends up buying an extra ticket for a cruise you guys are going on. Now you’re stuck looking for a fake boyfriend and eventually drag peter in. Except you and peter both like each other and don’t know how long you can last pretending.

Warnings: angst, fluff

A/n: so this is a repost because tumblr glitched and it didn’t post the full thing? It only posted the title that’s it and I don’t know why it did that but hopefully this works this time😤

Masterlist

The makeup brush meets your cheek as you stand in the bathroom getting ready. Peter finds one of the nicer outfits May packed for him. He wears black shorts and a red Hawaiian top. Maybe matching will make them see how cute and happy you are.

“Do you ever feel bad about doing this?” He stands in front of the full body mirror struggling with a button. His fingers shake at how nervous he is.

“Bad about what?” You ask, eyes wide as you bring the mascara to your lashes.

“Lying? Pretending I'm your boyfriend, lying to your mom and dad and sisters?” his words not meant to be so strong but he felt he should know. Being dragged into all of this, kissing you, touching you, hell making himself more uncomfortable than you.

“No, do you feel bad?” Your voice soft as you ask him, he lets out a huff. Boy does he feel bad.

“I mean, a little. I've never met these people before in my life and I'm just lying to them about everything.” he runs a hand through his curls. They’re soft from a shower earlier and smoothed out with gel.

“Honestly Peter, they don't even pay attention to half of the things we say. You could tell them you've committed murder and they would gloss over it.” you tell him and he raises his brows. It doesn’t make sense. If they didn’t care so much why would you care enough to bring him on a whole trip?

“But like it's your mom. Why do you even need a boyfriend? Why lie?” He feels if his mom was still alive he would love her so much. Cherish every moment with her and make sure to visit her all the time like he does May. May is his only mother figure, she’s his only mother figure and he loves her like that too.

You pump the lip gloss a few times before swiping it over your lips. Pressing it together to get a soft pink that makes your lips look softer. You stare at your reflection and know he’s right. You know he’s right but you hate it.

“Can we not go into all of this right before we see them?” You come out of the bathroom, placing a gold stud into your ear. The dress manages to look better now than it did earlier. Maybe it was the sun setting into your skin, maybe it was the gold highlight at the tip of your nose that made you glow even more. The dress that brought out your features, maybe it was how he always wore the red suit back home, how the color red drives him crazy on you.

“Wow Peter, two in one day. Im proud of myself.” you look down at his pants and he quickly looks down to then realizes you're just teasing.

“Stop.” he groans standing up. “Are you ready?” he asks and you nod. You have a necklace in your hand and look at him.

“Yeah, i just had trouble with this necklace, could you help?” you ask, handing it to him. It fumbles in his hands as he comes behind you and takes it around your neck clasping it. He brushes some fallen hair hair to the side as he latches it in place. Coconut and peaches and the mixture of the lavender vanilla perfume was perfect.

“Peter?” your voice weak in a whisper as you feel his breath on your neck, how his hands are rough and calloused but so large and warm. Your lower half is pressed up against his by accident. You feel how strong he is and how maybe with one simple phone call you two would be out of dinner but rather in bed with each other.

He blinks a few times before backing away. Realizing he was standing too close for too long.

“It's good.” he swallows, gaining his composure. You turn around and reach behind him to grab your bag.

“We good?” You nearly spoke in a broken sentence and he nods before you pass him and grab the door.

“Y-Yeah.” he nods following you behind. He wouldn't let his feelings get the best of him now, not after all he's done here.

-

The light was dim.

You and Peter sat towards the end of the table. Island music plays throughout the restaurant but is drowned out but the sound of talking.

You are uncomfortable already. Drinking a margarita that was served to both you and Peter. Yet Peter didnt touch his, he didn't really enjoy drinking, he couldn't really get a good buzz unless he had a lot.

“Hey,” his hand places over the drink, “Slow down.” he warned you and you stopped drinking to look at him.

“Sorry mom.” you set down the glass and rest your head on his shoulder. His hand on your thigh and even if no one could see it, he knew you needed some sort of reassurance.

“So peter.” your oldest sister, Arden, folds her fingers and leans over to him. Her husband talking to your dad so nothing could distract her. “Stark tower? What a tragedy that happened to him.” she doesn't care, and you know it. You knew peter was close to tony so you wanted to shut it down quick.

“Arden, don’t.” you give sharp eyes and she bats her lashes a few times at you. Acting completely clueless to what she was about to do.

“What? Im pretty sure i was talking to peter not you.'' That was the first time she got his name right. Peter was shocked.

His hand squeezes your thigh to let you know its okay. You pick your drink back up and take a sip before picking away at the food in front of you.

“It was a tragedy, but um, luckily the tower is ran by his wife, Mrs.potts.” he tells her and she hums.

“Do you plan on staying there forever?” she asks and just before peter can speak you take your head off him and lean in.

“Peter makes very good money working for the towers, he's very smart and is promised a job after graduation. Since i know that's what you're asking.” You say in a little of a slur. You're tipsy. Oh my god. Peter thought. you were tipsy.

“I never thought about that until you put it in my head. Peter what do your parents do?” she looks back at him as if you never even spoke. You pick up your glass again, almost empty and he knows you're moving onto his next.

He's now stuck. Back home dealing with physics and maths while also taking the role of Spider-Man was cake. Answering questions from your sister that made him uncomfortable and dealing with a now somewhat drunk you, that was his biggest mission yet.

He's seen you drunk before, but you were happier. You laughed with MJ and ran down the streets of queens. Once ned had to prevent you from throwing your top off a balcony. This was different, you're slouching in your chair, touching him, clinging onto him as if your life depended on it.

“My mom and dad passed away when I was young so I've been living with my aunt—“ he starts. You set the now empty glass down. Warm feelings going through your blood, you are angry. It doesn’t take his advanced senses to tell him that.

“Why do you care?” you interrupt him. His hand moves from your thigh to your shoulder, gripping it tight.

“(y/n) i think you've had enough to drink—“ he states and you look at peter with sharp eyes.

“No peter.” you nearly spit at him and look back at her. His eyes go wide at how aggressive and assertive you were.

“(y/n) just listen to Parker and sit down and eat your pasta, not everything is about you. Sometimes people can have conversations and it doesn’t revolve around you.” Her words blunt and shocks peter. When sisters fought he thought it would just be about clothes, maybe stolen makeup and hair ties. Never anything like this.

“That's actually my last—” he starts to himself but you speak out not even hearing him.

“No, why do you do this? Every single year you treat me like this? You hate me for no reason and I'm your sister. You didn't even want me at your wedding two years ago, you barely even wanted Maya and she's not any better than you or me.” you pause to look at the girl who falls back into her chair with a glass of white wine knowing she's made you snap. Peter's hands are now both on you trying to get you to take a seat.

“You call me names, make fun of my looks, make fun of the fact that i never had a boyfriend and now that i've found someone and i'm happy you hate him for doing that. So what is it that you want? Are you mad that I wasn't exactly like you? Are you scared that I might be better than you? That i might be happy without being perfect? That I don't need money and a rich man to make me smile? What do you want? I'm nineteen you're twenty seven. Grow the fuck up.” you grab peters drink and take a sip, leaning back. Peter has his hand on the glass too trying to take it away.

“Girls, please.” Your mom has her hand on her face, embarrassed of the little fight. All eyes are on you two, Peter tries his hardest not to go bright red while you try your hardest not to let tears spill.

You pick up your fork, eating a small bite before you look at your sister who rolls her eyes and mumbles something under her glass. You didn’t know why it was your breaking point but it was.

“You know what?” tears threaten to spill, they burn at the corner of your eyes making your vision blurry and your skin hot. “I'm done, you win. Im done.” you get up from your spot leaving the dining area.

Peter sits there awkwardly, shocked not knowing if you need anyone to chase you or what. He gets up anyways, saying a mumbling a few sorries before going after you.

“(y/n)! (y/n)!” he calls after you. People walk past carelessly enjoying their own blissful vacation. You walk quickly with a bit of a lean. You weren't a lightweight, you just were furious.

“(y/n), wait, please.” he stops in front of you, you’re on the beach, close to the main ship. If he can just take you to the room, get you in bed with no struggle, this will be nothing by tomorrow.

“What peter?” you stop, you wipe a tear and look him in the eyes. They’re bright red and puffy, he wishes he would’ve know so much sooner. How a girl like you, the perfect girl in the world could be so broken.

“Look i know you don't like them—” he wants to help he just doesn’t know what’s too far and what’s not. You laugh not wanting to hear it.

“Peter you don't understand. You don't. You never will understand. You think this is all a paradise and thats exactly what they want you to think! It's a cover up peter, this is all just a coverup to be perfect. They Are obsessed with perfection. I'm not perfect to them peter. I'm not. And I thought bringing you here would prove to them that I am. I can have the hot smart boyfriend and handle college at Columbia and look all pretty but I can't. Peter i—“ his arms wrap around you. You sob into his chest as he strokes the top of your head and rubs your back. He presses a soft kiss to the top of your head. As real Peter, not fake peter.

He holds you there for a moment. Letting all the years you’ve hidden this collapse. He doesn’t care about the stained makeup that will appear later, he doesn’t care about anything right now except you.

“Lets go to the room okay?” you nod into his chest, pulling back a bit but he lets you lean into his shoulder, he allows you to rest while he walks you two back to the ship and to the hotel room.

When he walks in, you're practically asleep on his shoulder. Drunken state and crying was probably not the best mix.

“I'm gonna take off your dress now, okay?” he asks respectfully. More nervous than you.

“I've always liked the color red on you.” you mumbled letting him slide down your straps and letting you slip from the dress. You try and play with his shirt while He shuts his eyes trying not to look at your exposed body.

“Relax peter. I'm wearing a bra and underwear.” you stumble a little and Peter catches you.

“You need to get some sleep.” he holds you and you fall into the bed. Crawling to your side and pulling the sheets over your body. Not changing into anything, just laying there in the lace bralette and panties. Peter looks at you already falling asleep, full face of makeup still paints your face. Even if most of it ran down from your tears he still took a rag and some face wash to your face.

“Thank you.” you whine. Touching his wrist as he wipes your face. “Thank you for everything.” you sniffle.

“Of course.” he takes out the earrings and takes off the necklace too. “C-can you wear a shirt?” his voice chips a little and you stifle a laugh.

He grabs you one from the dresser and you allow him to slide it on. It's one of his shirts, you don't know why he's given you his old star wars shirt but you love it. Maybe it had a few pizza sauce stains but it smelled like him.

He walks off to the bathroom to brush his teeth and by the time he's back you're passed out, snoring into the pillow and your hair is already a mess against the pillow.

He smiles softly before hearing the sound of your phone going off in your purse. He knows he shouldn't look but the least he thinks he can do is plug it in.

MJ: so did you tell him?

Betty: He totally likes you back and its not just the fake dating, you should see him when you miss study sessions.

MJ: Why are you afraid of peter? He weighs like 10lbs i could easily knock him over

Betty: ugh you guys better be real when you come back

He shuts it off quickly feeling like he's invaded something. He saw the texts a few days ago but he just thought it was harmless. He was completely clueless.

He plugs the phone in before laying in the bed. Pulling the sheets up to his chest and staring at the ceiling a bit before he feels your arm wrap around his torso. He looks down at you and thinks with all the moments he's seen so far, with all the things you've been through, You need the most comfort now.

He wraps his arm around you and pulls you into his chest. He lays staring for a little while longer before he falls asleep with you on his chest. Arms around your protectively as you both snored into the night.

“Goodnight peter parker.” you mumble into his chest.

“Goodnight (Y/n).”

-

Next morning peter woke up with you tangled in bed with him. Your cheek presses against his bicep and he really didn’t mind, after the night you had you deserved to sleep. It was late though, a lot later than he expected. 11am and normally he was up. But he didn’t want to move to disturb you.

A knock on the door makes him groan. His body was sore from swimming yesterday and he was starving as he realized he barely ate. He rubs his eyes as he trips over the sheets as the knock gets louder and louder.

You still being dead asleep, he gets up and opens it being faced with your sister.

“Is (y/n) awake?” It’s Maya, not Arden the one who fought and should be here but it’s the younger one.

“Uhh, no, she’s still asleep.” He mumbled trying to gain good vision. He rubs the sleep from his eyes and holds onto the door handle tight.

You’re starting to wake up though, you can hear them talking but your head is pounding and your eyes are puffy. You can’t makeout who’s talking but the sheets are missing peter and you can hear the low morning voice he has.

“Well when she wakes up can you tell her Arden says sorry?” She huffs almost as annoyed as peter that she’s standing in front him.

“Well...shouldn’t Arden come say sorry if she’s sorry?” It was the first time he said something that was in use to defend you. Something he should’ve been doing the whole time.

“She’s busy.” Maya tells him and tries to peak around to get a look at you.

“Well if she was sorry she can make time to apologize to her own sister.” He isn’t as scared of her as he was two days ago.

“Look, kid, I know you want to help but none of this is your place—“ she starts and his grip on the door tightens.

“I think it became my place last night after my girlfriend's sister made her cry.” He tells her with a sharper tone. The girl stands in front of him with a defeated look. She doesn’t say anything before she picks up her phone and starts typing.

“Just, tell (y/n) mom wants to see her for lunch. Just her.” She tries and Peter looks away at you.

“No, sorry we're busy today.” He shuts the door on her before rubbing his face. He scared himself there for a moment but he knew you couldn’t handle another day with them. If he could do one thing for you that would be stand up for you.

“Who’s that?” You asked and he shook his head.

“Oh, just some kid who had the wrong room. ‘Tis all.” He told you and you nodded. You grabbed your phone from your nightstand not remembering if you plugged it in or not. Messages flooded from Betty and MJ scare you that peter might’ve seen.

“Hey did you plug in my phone last night?” Your voice soft as you ask.

“Uh yeah, it was at like seven percent.” He told you before he went into the bathroom and quickly shut the door to take a shower.

You sit up feeling the pounding in your head before walking over to the bathroom door. If you just get in and get the Advil without even looking at him things will be fine.

“Peter,” you knock twice. “Peter I’m coming in.” You open the door hands over your eyes as you move your hand around for the medicine cabinet.

“What are you doing!” He almost shouts and you keep looking.

“My head hurts!” You tell him and he groans.

“So wait until I’m done?” He asks and you shake your head grabbing the bottle.

“No!” You take the bottle and fall out the door. Sitting on the bed you take two before he comes out in fresh clothes and wet hair.

“You could’ve waited…” he mumbles as he puts his dirty clothes back in his suitcase.

“Well, my head was pounding.” You drink all the water from the bottle on your table. He watches you flop back down before you touch your legs. “Where’s my pants?” You ask and he decides with all the things happening, he can at least play a game with you.

“Oh you know, we were both a little drunk and then things escalated pretty quick and you get a little loud. I'm surprised we have—“ he starts and you give him a dead look.

“Peter.” You give him a stare and he huffs.

“You didn’t wanna wear pants.” He told you and you nodded.

“Cute story though.” you wink at him as you walk over to the dresser to find pants.

“Do you remember yesterday?” he asks in more of a shy voice, he doesn't want to get you mad this early in the morning.

“Peter, I was tipsy not blackout drunk.” you chuckle but bite your lower lip.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he comes up behind you and you turn around with a pair of shorts in hand.

“No, not really right now.” you tell him honestly.

He mentally slaps himself for even asking. He knows this is hard but in a way he feels he should know. He should be allowed to help you. Maybe after this trip if you guys were still friends things would go back to normal. Although he hated the idea of normal, friends or not. He wanted to be there for you and maybe you’ll never let him take care of you in the way he wants but he still wants to be there.

You grab your swimsuit that hangs on the clothing rack and take it to the bathroom.

“W-well are we doing anything today?” he asks, defeated.

“Yeah, we can go down to the beach. If you want to come of course.” you say before locking the door.

He was going to the beach.

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[whatifyoulivelikethat]

warnings: extremely negative feelings towards a sibling, distressing / intrusive thoughts. placed under a break due to the content of the message. remember, I'm not a mental health professional.

updated with additional viewpoints from readers at the bottom!

I'm sorry in advance.

I really hate my older sister. She never respects my boundaries, insults me frequently, and is just annoying and hypocritical in general.

I've always had these issues with her, but she lived at her own apartment away from me and the rest of my family, so I've been able to control my hatred of her. But last year in March she moved back in and sold her apartment. She has no plans of leaving anytime soon, and I can't stand her.

We shared a bedroom for about a year because we were also taking care of my cousin who also moved in with us last year. My cousin has since moved out, but my sister is unfortunately here to stay for a couple of years. But with extra space, I was able to move into the spare bedroom and thought that would be the end of my problems.

It wasn't. In fact, she has become even more unbearable. The hardest part of this relationship is that she has a weird obsession with being with me. I'm not sure if this is because she loves me, or she's just weird. I think she's weird because my parents never act like she does.

Our bedrooms are right next to each other. There's really no reason for her to miss me. But every single fucking minute she's coming into my room to bother me. I would have more empathy for her if she acknowledged my limits, but she doesn't.

She's constantly cuddling me after I've said for MONTHS that I don't enjoy it and it makes me uncomfortable. She constantly belittles me by saying I couldn't live without her, and that I would be a mess if it wasn't for her (mind you, I've lived without her at the house for YEARS and I was perfectly fine). She's constantly in my business, interrogating me about every little thing. She once locked the door and wouldn't let me leave the room without answering her questions for 20 minutes; she asked me about a $30 Amazon order containing manga I ordered with MY OWN MONEY. And I had permission for my parents to order it! It wasn't her business whatsoever.

I've tried to keep her out numerous times; I've gotten in trouble for it. My parents say I'm being mean and that this is her way of loving me. What I feel like they ignore is that I'M UNCOMFORTABLE. Her way of "loving me" HURTS.

I've tried communication. I've had multiple meetings with my family about my boundaries and they say they'll change, but they never do.

Another factor that worsens this is that I have borderline personality disorder. I'm currently being denied therapy or intervention of any kind. I get told my mental illness is a result of me having an attitude and hating my family.

I writing this to you because I've been having very alarming thoughts recently. I'm been somewhat suicidal as long as I can remember, but this is different. I've been having nightmares about killing my family/my family killing me. I don't want to kill my family. As much as they have abused me, I know they truly love me deep down. But when I'm in a mental breakdown, I don't think for the most part. I'm afraid I'm going to do something to hurt them if they continue to push me. I'm too scared to turn myself into the police and I don't want to be taken away from my home. I truly need therapy, but it's expensive and I'm not allowed to get it.

Are there any options left for me? I love my family and I want to get better, but I can't stand them. It'll be a while before I can live on my own, and I don't think I'll make it that long.

I'm so sorry.

I appreciate that you came to me, however, please remember I am not a mental health professional.

I do not have the best relationship with my family. I've come to accept that they just exist and I moved away from them. I keep a strict level of familiarity with them for my own sanity and well-being. There are people in my immediate family I don't talk to anymore or only speak to in certain situations, with other people around to buffer my emotions. No one in my family understands or respects my mental health issues and I have ceased talking about it with them.

I will admit, I had to ask for help. I'm going to share the answer of someone I trust, because they are much more level-headed when it comes to something like this.

Use different words with your sister. Instead of "I'm mad or annoyed", use words that bring out more empathy - "You're making me sad and uncomfortable. You're hurting me." Anger is usually perceived as something within you, something you must control. But sadness is usually not perceived in the same light. People usually see sadness as something that has a cause and perhaps letting her know that she is the cause will have an effect on her. Using different words when speaking to her may slowly change her perspective.

When it comes to your parents, well, parents do not usually understand sibling dynamics. They're fucking useless most of the time when it comes to problems specifically between siblings. It might be better if you say something like, "Her constant intrusions are affecting my school work. My grades are going to drop." Usually, parents respond more urgently if you say you education is affected - and it doesn't matter if it's true or not, we're just trying to get them to help in some way.

I had to remind them it's summertime lol

Oh shit, you're right. Er. Well, In any case, it seems you've tried having reasonable discussions with your parents and it doesn't seem helpful to continue discussing this particular topic with them. Maybe get into fitness since it's summertime. Go outside, do something active. She can't cuddle you if you're running, right? Then you can also be stronger and feeling better physically improves mental health. Put some music on, go hiking or running, take yourself out of the situation.

I don't know if this is possible, but perhaps if you're experiencing a mental breakdown and you're afraid of hurting your family, run out of the house? It might be better to be physically away from them at that time to avoid saying or doing anything you regret. It may help clear your head and help your family realize that this is something that is truly debilitating to you.

I don't know your age, so I don't know if the school thing is relevant. It's only a suggestion.

You said it will be a while before you can live on your own. When I knew the cons of living with my family outweighed the pros, I did everything in my power to prepare myself for leaving because I needed a goal in order to survive. I needed distractions, reading, writing, gaming, music, anything else to occupy my mind and help control my thoughts. There was a time when I needed music to fall asleep (headphones in on low volume).

Also... uh.

I'm not saying you should do this. I'm only saying I did.

My siblings and I have physically fought before. One has scars from fighting me. The scarred one is the one closest to me currently.

Not saying you should do it.

But I did.

If anyone feels comfortable enough to share how they dealt with it in their own situation, please do. Maybe more perspectives can help this person.

--

some other experiences sent to me:

anon #1

I don't think I had a situation that extreme but my brother was a little like that. I honestly had to become kinda rude and indifferent. Like he'd always use my laptop and stuff and I put passwords on everything and just don't tell him. And then when he tried to hug or cuddle id say I don't liek it and just push him away physically now this soudns fucking obvious when I say it this way but like I don't think I read that u tried it ? Idk I discovered I have a loud annoying scream that neighbours will hear, and fucking strokg legs I used to kick him away but like I was tiny so I don't really endorse violence but I didnt like being close to a 'boy' essentially at taht age so yea... Idk man siblings are weird and I have had intrusive thoughts so I think I didn't handle it well but for a few years I became an asshole to him and then now I'm good with talking sometimes and I keep it short and sweet and I've mentioned that I'm sorry for being mean in the past bcuz like I am ? Bcuz I'm not an asshole ? ( But like I did what I had to do ) I hope u get the help and support u need

anon #2

I read the message from the previous anon and I have to say I relate to what they say. I wouldn’t say i’ve completely dealt with the situation when it comes to my parents.

I have 4 siblings and i’m the oldest, my sister that’s 2 years younger than me always gets in my way and is a tyrant. Because she’s much taller than me she overpowers me and i also have scars from when we’ve fought. My parents don’t intervene because they say we’ll make up soon and I honestly can’t stay mad at people for long. I also live with my parents and am not able to move out anytime soon until I get my degree.

A few weeks ago my mother was complaining to my father that I don’t help around the house and all that bullshit but it’s obviously not true. Anyway. My father came into my room and threw all my clothes from my cupboards on the floor and said my sister and I must get out of his house. He was literally pulling us and we were crying because where the hell would we go. My smaller siblings were begging for him not to chase us out of the house but he was ballistic. He was constantly throwing insults at me, calling me selfish and disrespectful. I was having a mental breakdown and I said i hope that God takes my life away because i’m too weak to do it myself. I kept saying that and when my parents heard me. They called me crazy and were laughing at me and said i should take it back because instead of me another one of my family members would go.

My parents don’t care about mental health and therapy. It’s all unnecessary to them. But after that night I tried to find my own way of getting rid of the negative thoughts, I choose to ignore what everyone tells me. I agree with everything that you said about trying to get away from their family when they have those thoughts. I try meditation and praying. I’m not sure if that person follows any religion but that’s what helped me. And writing can be cathartic. Also remember that you’re not alone, there are so many people out there who share your sorrows and can relate to your situation. I think about my little siblings who i’m close to and what it would be like if i wasn’t there.

Maybe if they could get a pet? I know having a pet can make you feel less alone and you feel a sense of responsibility towards them. As for their sister, she needs to see their point of view and tell her that she makes her feel overwhelmed with the things she does. She can spend time with her and try to make her understand that they need their space too.

anon #3

I also have sum advice 4 the sibling anon frm a fellow bpd buddy:

Does ur view of ur sister change from "i hate her" to "she's alright" sometimes? Viewing sum1 as all bad or all good is common in bpd ppl and usually changes alot. I rec writing down the moments where she shows she loves u. This could be thru buying smth for u or doing smth 4 u. I had a similar relationship w a friend and this exercise helped me remember that she might not have intentions to hurt me and might b trying 2 bond. Repairing the relationship might take a while. Talk alot if u can, it seems like ur family is at least willing to hear u out, even if there behavior doesn't change much. Keep sum distance if needed. Working out and finding fun hobbies is good.

If u feel like ur breaking down, try breathing exercises n identify 5 things u notice thru ur senses. What do u feel? What do u smell? What do u taste? What do u see? What do u hear? I personally like taking myself down rabbit holes. For example: I see a yellow jacket > this shade of yellow is a cool tone > what makes a color "cool" or "warm" > why do we associate red with warmth > what if the sun was blue > what if ocean water looked orange > is water wet

I usually end up forgetting what was making me upset. If it was a big deal I would still remember, but at least I would b less emotional and a bit more rational.

Search up cognitive behavior therapy and dialectical behavior therapy and try 2 practice sumthing similar 2 exercises u would perform w a therapist. Squeeze stress balls. Masturbate (this blog is perfect 4 that lol). Maybe watch some videos done by therapists on youtube. I watched a couple of videos abt therapists reacting 2 fighting in movies and I learned alot (this video was very fun to watch)!

Anyway that's what helps me! Good luck 2 u!!!

[inkbloodpaperandbone]

A Proper Apology

(I am honestly really happy that Abby gets her happy ending but she should have actually apologized properly. I hope it doesn't come across as Abby being a horrible person because she's not. But sometimes nice people whether they mean to or not do shitty things that hurt people. So I wrote this instead of sleeping. lol. If you like this please reblog.)

Tagging @datleggy

After leaving Buck at the park Abby felt out of sorts.

It had gone well, she'd thanked him for rescuing her fiancé, Sam, she'd explained why she'd let her and Buck's relationship and he'd told Abby that he was happy for her. So why did she feel so off?

Maybe it was because despite being back in L.A she hadn't considered to contact Carla.

Yes that was it. It would be nice to see her old friend, Abby couldn't remember the last time they'd actually spoken.

Mind made up, Abby scrolled down the contact list on her phone in search of Carla's number and physically blanched at the date of the last message.

Abby hadn't realised it had been so long.

Abby quickly sent of a text, asking if Carla was busy and if not would she like to meet up at that cafe they used to go to before Abby had left.

Fifteen minutes later Carla replied, saying she was surprised to hear Abby was in LA and yes it would be nice to meet up today but that the café Abby had suggested had shut down ages ago but that there was a nice enough one that Carla now visited and the instructions to get there.

Abby smiled and quickly phoned Sam to tell him she'd be a little while longer and that she loved him.

The café turned out not to be to far from where Abby and Sam where staying so she decided to walk. After all Abby had lived in LA for years, surely it had changed all that much on the time she was aboard.

Seeing Carla face to face for the first time in nearly three years was almost strange. But at least it was nowhere near as shocking as seeing Buck at the train wreckage a couple of days prior.

Carla was sitting at a table outside and waved Abby over when she spotted her long absentee friend.

Reaching the table Abby smiled brightly and readily accepted the hug Carla offered.

"I've missed you."

Carla pulled away, "I missed you too."

They sat and a waiter scurried over to take their orders.

Carla ordered a mocha capachino, Abby a white coffee.

"So, what are you doing back in LA. I have to say it was a surprise."

Carla smiled but her words sounded kinda, Abby wasn't sure, sad maybe.

"Well my fiance and I where -"

"Wait you're engaged? Since when?"

Abby frowned, she'd posted about the engagement on her Facebook page months ago.

She told Carla as much.

"Abby sweetie we're not friends on have Facebook anymore."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize. I guess I should have called."

Carla waves a hand dismissively.

"So you where telling me about being back in LA."

Abby nodded and began explaining about the train derailment and how she and Sam where staying at a hotel for the moment.

Oh honey I'm so glad you're okay. I can't believe it, I heard about it on the news. That must have been terrifying."

"It was so scary. And I lost Sam for awhile and I had no way of knowing if he was alive and then Buck showed up and that was so strange but he helped save Sam and we're good.

"You're good, you and Buck? After everything?" Carla sounded surprised.

"Well I spoke to him earlier today."

"And how was that?"

Abby sighed she hadn't really wanted to talk about Buck.

"Well I told him about Sam and his kids and how while I was traveling I realized that if I came back to LA I was just going to go back to being the Abby that was always looking after everyone else but me and that I didn't want to lose myself again to that. So I decided not to come back."

Carla leaned back on her chair, her usually bright and friendly faced closed off.

"That's it?"

"What do you mean?" Abby recoiled at Carla's tone.

"Abby that boy waited for you for months, he looked after your apartment, all your things, even your mail and you just stopped talking to him. Honey, he came to me near tears wondering if he should give up on you or not."

Carla took a large sip of her drink.

"Please tell me you at least apologized."

"I, I explained. I -" Abby stutters.

"Explained what? That you didn't want to face up to the fact you didnt want a relationship with him anymore."

Carla shook her head in disbelief. She stood up and motions for a waiter to come to take her bill.

"Abby you ghosted him and it broke his heart. He deserves a proper apology. I'm happy for you Abby I am but I love that boy too and he's been through far to much this past year not to get the closure he needs from you."

Carla quickly pays for her drink, tells Abby to try and stay in touch and gives her another tight hug before leaving.

A lump settles in Abby's throat that doesn't go away even when she gets back to the hotel.

Sam smiles up at her from where he's sitting on the bed. The girls are in the room attached to theirs, the TV playing loudly.

Sam's face is bruised and scratched but he's alive and whole and Abby is grateful to Buck for once again being there when she needed him.

Sitting down next to her fiancé Sam asks how her afternoon went and Abby tells him about meeting Buck and then Carla. And how uneasy it had made her feel.

Sam smile drops and he take her hand between his own.

"I think your friend Carla is right. I didn't realize that was how you'd broken up with you last boyfriend. To be honest that's a pretty shitty thing to do."

He wiped away the tears that spill from Abby's eyes at his admission.

Hey, I'm not mad. And from what you've told me this Buck guy has been very understanding. But Abby I don't want you to regret never making things right between you." Sam wraps his arms around her and Abby cries into his shoulder.

That night Abby lies awake and goes over the memories of her and Buck's relationship of the conversation and how hurt Buck had been over the way she'd spoken to him. She thought over and over about what she had said and after talking with Carla Abby's excuse of being worried about losing herself to Buck sounded hollow and almost cruel.

Buck was the one who hadn't run away when he'd found out about Abby's mom, unlike Tommy. He'd been patient and understanding whenever Abby had to cancel or cut dates short. He had shied away from offering help when Abby's mom had a bad day.

She'd even told him the night she decided to leave to Ireland that Buck was the person who had helped her to start to find herself when she'd been drowing in her life as a first responder and carer to a dying mother.

He'd made her feel special and important and Abby had just thrown it all back in his face.

The realisation of this sits like lead in her stomach. Abby turns to look at Sam and watches the man she loves sleep. A man who would most likely be dead if Buck hadn't risked his life to save.

Abby knows that Sam and Carla were right, she needed to truly make amends with Buck.

Early the next morning Abby walks to the 118 firehouse and uses the time to thing over what she needs to say. The station doesn't look any different from the last time she'd been here, but so much has changed.

As she waits several cars pull up and when she looks up she sees Buck walking towards the station entrance bumping shoulders with another man. As they get close Abby recognises him as the firefighter she'd first spoken to the night of the accident.

"Abby?"

She shuffles her feet, " Hi buck."

The other firefighter claps Buck on the shoulder

"I'll tell cap you'll be a minute."

Bucks smiles after him as he walks away "Thanks Eddie."

Abby watches Eddie leave before turning back to Buck, she tries to smile but it comes out as an awkward grimace.

"Buck I," she paused, "I'm so sorry. Yesterday I should have apologized for how I treated you instead of making excuses I see that now. And I apologize for ghosting you, for leading you on when I knew I was never going to come back to you. It was wrong and I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I truly am. And maybe one day we could be friends again."

Buck sighs deeply, he curls into himself slightly and the change in posture makes him look oddly small.

"Abby I told you that I'm happy for you. And I meant it, I'm happy you've found a family and someone to love. And part of me I would like to be your friend." Buck tells her, voice quiet but sincere.

He shakes his head and straightens up. Standing tall Buck smiles that brilliant smile that still makes Abby swoon a little inside.

"But you know what Abby? You took me for granted and yesterday made me realize just how much. I loved you and I waited for you. But eventually I was done being your ghost and I've moved on too. And I'm happy without you. I've got a job that I love and I have a family full of amazing people who love me and I'm happy."

Buck's eyes a red and wet with tears and Abby can feel herself crying as well.

For a moment they stand face to face like they had done before Abby walked into the airport for her flight to Dublin so long ago.

Then Buck looks over his shoulder into the station and back again. He wiped a hand over his face and shrugs.

"I better go, my shift's already started."

It's a pretty clear dismissal and one Abby takes without complaint.

"Goodbye Abby Clark."

"Goodbye Evan Buckley."

And with that he heads inside without a backwards glance.

Several months later a week before Christmas Abby gets a card in the mail.

On the front is a picture of Buck and his friend Eddie, between them is a little boy with curly hair and bright blue glasses. Buck has a hand on the boys shoulder, a ring on his finger.

Inside (with large wobbly letters that have clearly written by a child) the card reads, 'Merry Christmas from the Buckley-Diaz family!'

And underneath in much smaller writing,is a mobile number that despite everything Abby never deleted and a single worded question, 'friends?'

#9-1-1 #my fanfic #fix-it #abby clark #evan ‘buck’ buckley #evan buckley #this is probably terrible but i worked hard so 'shrug'

[tillman]

Pls infodump about lancelot from what i observe almost everyone hates him? (Ok its understandable bec of his affair with queen) im curious why do you like lancelot? And i remember a few days ago you post that there so many things you want to talk about him? And i want to see you rant/gush about his character, relationships, mental illness, his flaws etc ans also what is the difference between fate lancelot and lancelot in the legends? I want to know more about him he is complicated

OK its not that everyone hates him its that people hate what he stands for. the french side of arthurian lit is VERY focused on making lancelot seem like the greatest knight in the entire world because…. wow… hes french. and french people suck. stop normalizing the french. i like lancelot because of what he COULD stand for. theres a lot of things that could be delved into more (his mental illnesses, his communication issues, his inability to comprehend love, the struggle with being unholy or wrong, ect) but no one ever does. so i stole him hes mine now fuck the french they did him dirty.

uhm ok this is under a cut for talks of kinda heavy topics (lots of mental health talk, lots of abuse talk) and also cus its long. sorry i have a lot to say about him) 

i like lancelot a lot cus i see myself a lot in him. mostly in his mental health and how he ends up dealing with situations. his struggle with violent mood swings and his huge burden of being labeled as a sinner or whatever for a relationship he admits to feeling trapped in is…. relateable… comforting to see in a fictional character i guess. as flawed as he is hes still heralded as a good person. hes still loved by his friends and his family. and thats nice.. i like it. 

uhm for his mental health the main thing that comes out is his struggles with trauma, awful depression, and also just the fact he dissociates a lot. in knight of the cart he is so out of it he doesnt realize a knight is attacking him until hes thrown into the water in which he reacts violently and freaks the fuck out, trying to rip the guy off his horse. he like. physically can not handle extreme emotions and will either fall asleep so he doesnt have to face it (le morte says this is a known quality of him, he does this enough dinadan expects it as soon as he gets mad) or he swings so hard he has an extreme bout of depression (in the vulgate when trying to comprehend his relationship with guenevere and galehaut he just shuts down and spends all his time sleeping or staring at the river) or awful mania (see: the many times guenevere freaks out at him and he gets so upset he jumps out a window and lives in the woods). Lancelot has a lot of unworked out trauma from being r*** twice by the same woman who continues to use him and freak him out so much he cant find camelot safe (triggering another huge spike where he runs off into the woods) or the literal entire end of the legends where he has to deal with the trauma of while having one of his dissociative episodes in combat he accidentally kills gareth, someone he loves and adores like a brother or son and gets so upset he just accepts everything happening and hides in joyous gard, where his cousins have to BEG him to go and defend his honor from gawain whos basically knocking on his door pleading with lancelot to kill him. 

lancelots inability to understand a lot of social nuances is also really interesting but like, ultimately leads to a lot of strife for him most namely galehauts death and gueneveres constant abuse. The thing is Lancelot basically idolizes guenevere and this is where a lot of the abuse and weird shit comes from in their relationship. lancelot was a very young knight who honestly didnt understand anything about BEING a knight when he came to court. the queen knighted him and him, being young and not understanding, took this as “i am her knight! i will do anything for her!” and guenevere just kinda ran with this? i dont rlly wanna go too into it ill do that later when i get farther in the vulgate and can talk more on it but it leads to lancelot being trapped in a relationship he admit hurts him, but the small sliver of love guenevere gives him when she needs him is enough to keep him in because his mindset is still “im her knight! this is what a knight should do for his lady!” Galehaut is a different situation where his blindness to social cues and other shit leads to a lot of drama and hellish shit and when he finally snaps and realizes “oh. oh no this is what love should be” its too late and galehaut is dead and lancelot isnt much better. his own mother has to come and convince him not to literally kill himself over this and sends him into a spiral of depression where he doesnt leave the joyous gard for months. when he does and when he comes back to court, no one really … cares? that galehaut is dead. and this is lancelots first experience with actual love and his first experience with the death of someone close to him. which is an awful double whammy to have to experience. he does have good friends like gawain and dinadan and tristan and his relationship with galahad is good but they all end up dead or turned against him by something thats he did and its just. god its so sad to watch. the only people lancelot is left with in the end are his cousins, and even at the end of all of that hes left alone with the corpses of people he thought he loved. 

like hes a very flawed man. lancelot is a problem causer and not a problem solver. he doesnt try to he really doesnt, he strives to be the perfect knight mostly for some sliver of appreciation from someone he idolizes he never really ends up getting. he doesnt know how to cope, and ends up making things worse when he inevitably ends up screwing shit up because of this. hes called a sinner and unholy by god, and while he is very proud of his son for what he ends up achieving, has to deal with the trauma of the grail quest alone. he ends up killing someone he loves, and who genuinely respected and cared for him like a brother in a fit of him not being able to deal with heavy emotions. like he truly is in the wrong in most situations but like. in such a pitiable way. hes a good person, but lets his flaws overtake him a lot and pushes away the people who want the best for him. its like…. sad. 

(about to talk about fate u can drop off now if u just wanted to read my arthurian lit opinions :-) )

i could go off about fate lancelot and all the problems i have with him for hours but i think the main thing i wanna talk about rn is how they handle his internalization of his life and then just did nothing with it. his wish for the grail is just to be told he was wrong. thats so fucking GOOD!! in life he was heralded as the best knight like of course his one regret was that no one ever stopped him and went “you are wrong. this is wrong. you are doing the wrong thing.” and that being all he wants out of the thing that can grant any wishes is soooooo soo cool and neat. and then they just reduced his personality to “oh boo hoo im so sad im going to fuck a married woman now” like. the fucking dissonance. like lancelot isnt the type for random flings. tristan sure i understand that a bit hes unhinged and hard to characterize and .. honestly does just go around fucking married woman. weirdo. but lancelots entire struggle is over his relationship with guenevere being both wrong morally and literally abusive! i jsut dont get it i dont understand how they built up something so interesting with zero and threw it all out the window it makes me so mad. i dont even wanna talk about fate lancelot anymore rn its giving me a headache cus im so mad. 

#hes a really interesting and complex character with a lot of nuance but hes just so dumb #lancleot is the epitome of today i will cause problems on accident #hes just a mess of a man and trying to deal with taht fact but the problem is he has more power #than a man like that should have and it puts himself and others in dangerous situations #Anonymous

[tfw-no-tennis]

hunter x hunter thotz so far

soooo ruth and i started watching hunter x hunter woohoo finally! we’re like 10 or so eps in so i decided to collect some thots below on what i think so far (i havent rlly been spoiled so im interested to look back on this once ive watched more)

first off i love gon sm, hes immediately so endearing...hes just a baby!!!! just a little baby boy!!!! hes just so cute and good, im so not ready for him to get put thru the wringer later on as ive vaguely heard happens

the first few episodes were really fast paced which i enjoyed and thought was for the best. the characters came thru really strongly and i feel like we heard juuuust enough about the setting, premise, and what a hunter is 

i wasnt expecting leorio and kurapika to show up in the FIRST EP lmao that surprised me. i love so much how the three of them like IMMEDIATELY became a family unit in like 3 eps lmaoooo it was like ok here are 2 parents and their son bam. also leorio and kurapika having a showdown on the boat (which didnt end up happening) was a wild ride 

i have like zero fucking idea what a hunter is and the more they attempt to explain the more confused i get. its honestly kind of hilarious how little sense it makes. to be clear this doesnt detract from my enjoyment of the show at all (if anything it adds to it)

oh my god fuckgin hisoka is the worst he hasnt done much but i hate him so much already. good villain writing/design so far, hes so hateable

ruth every time hisoka shows up: WE HATE UR PUSSY BIIIITCH 

the character design in this show is....a lot lmao. ruth and i decided its a cross between soul eater, jojo, and one piece in terms of aesthetic. the designs are certainly unique and so many of them are just so ugly hvbjafdbdskgs it reminds me of that post thats like ‘masterpost of jojo characters who look busted as shit’ lmao

i already love this show a lot tbh like the way its structured so far has been kinda atypical for a shounen, at least in terms of fights - we really havent seen a lot of fighting yet. also nen hasnt shown up yet and its reminding me of stands not becoming a thing in jojo until p3 lmao 

anyways in litrally ep1 i already loved the 3 main characters we saw...leorio is a wild dude, i love him sm, especially as a fellow medical binch who wants MONEY. like, thats literally me. and kurapika is also wild, like damn they rlly just dropped their backstory in ep 1 huh. like we rlly are jumping right into this 

also when leorio said he was a teenager i was like WHAT???? just like evryone else which YEA omfg. i cant believe hes that young lmao. kurapika too

so leorio is one of those 19 yr olds who looks 40 and kurapika is the type of teen who looks like a 12 yr old

and KILLUA i love him sm also....hes an adorable assassin catboy and hes perfect. i love how quickly he and gon hit it off (tiny bfs.....) and how hes just like, this extra as hell 12 yr old with a SKATEBOARD and ASSASSIN SKILLS and then he sees gon and is like guess im gonna fall in love 

i gotta talk abt gon again i just love him. hes so polite and cute and kind and good, i just love him...wht a good protag. his motivation is just wild too, hes like well my dad abandoned me to go off and be a hunter (which he isnt even mad abt, what a nice lad) so im gonna do that to see what the deal is

i love how gon (just like the audience) doesnt really know what a hunter does/is and just goes into the exam totally blind lmao. also the fact that his skills seem to include jumping good, being speedy, having the energy typical of a 12 yr old, being a weather sniffer, being nice, and having good instincts/constitution as a result of having eaten random grass and forest shit growing up...amazing. 

is this gonna turn out to be one of those things where its like, wow theyve been using nen this whole time without realizing! tht would honestly explain a lot lmao 

i really enjoy how like....semi-normal the power levels are rn? while also being all over the place and wack as fucks obvs (like hisoka dissolving that guys arms in his first appearance was A Lot, as well as all the card stuff hes done..). like the part wher that blue guys (evil franky one piece) punches the ground and it leaves a crater and everyones like !!!! wow wtf thats unnatural! that literally threw me off bc that kinda thing is so normal in anime lmaoooo. but i like that thats the starting point bc it leaves a lot of room for power escalation w/out it getting too out of hand 

specifially our protags are starting out pretty low on the Shounen Badass scale - especially gon (and leorio, tho i kinda predict he wont be as fight-y? what with him being premed)

i find it kinda hilarious how killua hasnt done too much (aside from murdering those 2 randos in like half a second) despite being so clearly skilled...like when they have to do the 5v5 fight thing in the tower, i wouldve thought hed be the first up cause hes so badass but nope

actually thats what i find interesting - i was expecting all 5 (or maybe 4, we’re in the middle of leorio’s ‘fight’) of the fights to be physical smackdowns but so far nope, theyve been very cerebral. that bodes well, w/how smart the fights have been, bc i doubt the fights will get stale tht way 

tho they might be kinda frustrating sometimes - there are times when u DO just wanna see a good ole fashioned shounen beatdown yknow. but we do get enough of that now (and im sure we’ll get plenty more) to satisfy (like kurapika decking fake-franky) 

oh also the opening. its so charming and cute and i love the song...its also so hilariously basic and classic - like one of those typical 2000s anime openings where theres stock run cycles of all the main characters and theres a little animation of all the characters fighting together (and that fight doesnt actually happen, its just for the op) 

also love that leorios the only one who doesnt fight in the OP, instead getting saved from death by gon lmao. im curious if he’ll end up fighting at all (i assume a little?) and if he’ll use nen (probably healing type nen?) 

also i already wanna fistfight ging for abandoning his perfect angel son. also leorio is literally gons dad already, they even look alike wow 

that guy hanzo has done basically 0 things so far but i rlly like him already, im curious if thatll change. also sorry for calling u ‘hanzo overwatch!?!?!?!’ upon first viewing my guy 

tonpa is str8 up so annoying pls leave u pathetic loser 

tho it cracked me up when he and Evil Mr Clean were facing off and starting getting all detailed/shaded and i was like o shit is he actually badass. are we abt to see like a nen battle or st. but no....lmaooo

i found it interesting that leorio didnt really admit to wanting to be a dr at first...hes such a good dude, he kinda just let kurapika think that his motives were superficial and greedy when in actuality theyre selfless

also wanting to be rich can be a rlly interesting character motivation and i love when its done right

oh my god i cant believe it took me this long to mention the hilariously edge ED....like holy shit, its so 2000s, the song sounds like its been re-recorded like 40000 times bc of how bad the audio quality is, or something, idk how to describe music but its hilariously specific in tone and its rlly funny to see shots of the main characters smiling while this screamo whatever plays in the bg....wow. 

also s/o to killua for being king of edgy with that ‘tear of blood’ shot

i rlly like how much of the plot, especially the early hunter exam stuff, is moved along simply by gon being a good kind polite boy. 

love the fact that he and leorio and kurapika (and later killua) all team up without even saying anything...i love that, most shounen would have them be like ‘che, i cant team up with anyone, i have to prove myself ALONE or my victory wont be EARNED’ or w/e idk. who knows that might happen later but rn i love how they all effortlessly work together (and how they all contribute - without each other they would have all failed at different points) 

oh man also killuas first appearence was so funny when he drank a bunch of tonpas poisoned drinks and was like [smirks] tch, loser, im immune to poison. get dunked on. [skateboard away] i love him so fuckgin much 

omfg that part where killua looks all shoujo/kawaii and is talking abt how hes gonna kill his family or w/e and gon is just like ^_^? i love they

HOOOOLY FUCK I ALMOST FORGOT, BUT 65% OF THE REASON I MADE THIS POST WAS TO MENTION HISOKAS THEME LMAOOOOO his music being like fuckgin, spanish guitar/traditional mexican type music is sooooo goddamn funny to me for some reason, like the first time it played i was like ok whats going ON with this spanish guitar lmao but then i figured out that its his theme and god thats so funny 

hisoka is also so fuckign jojo like he could so easily be in jojo. he and dio would be the fakest best friends ever and would constantly try to kill each other on the lowdown and shittalk each other constantly in private but be super sweet to each others faces. also they would hatefuck. no im not taking criticism bye 

i rlly love everyones backstories also, and i find it interesting that weve gotten to hear/see at least some of all 4 of the MCs backstories. theyre all compelling and interesting and i cant wait to dive in further 

also calling it now but kurapika is totally gonna get way too absorbed in revenge and get fucked up/disregard their own life (maybe in the style of robin in one piece?) we’ll see but i feel like it aint gonna end well. i could be wrong, i really havent been spoiled at all, thats just my guess 

hbahjfbshjf the ep that was called ‘hisoka x is x sneaky’ was SO funny that reads like a dora the explorer ep title 

also i had no idea the ep titles were formatted like that w/the x’s and thats rlly funny 

ok but the part where leorio - who seems to be pretty bad at fighting - tries to fight hisoka - whose literal first appearence involved him effortlessly dissolving a dudes arms - is so fucking funny. leorio rlly b a premed w/no brain cells....same bro. 

also i loved the Cutthroat Kitchen portion of the hunter exam and how not a single contestant was any good at it lmaoooo. do they not have the cooking channel in hxh-verse earth 

ok i love how the main characters are all intuitive in different ways depending on their own skills, like how killua can immediately guess that kurapika has never killed anyone before after they didnt kill evil-franky

kurapika joined killua in the Edgy Corner during that part also. like, they both have legit reasons to be edgy, but the shots of kurapika sitting in the darker tunnel part was kinda funny

also killua, a literal 12 yr old, calling out kurapika for being a murder virgin was pretty hilarious 

ok also i didnt know that madhouse animated hxh which is rlly funny but w/e i love the animation especially the occasional chibi parts and the facial expressions (like killuas ‘i love murder’ catboy expressions) 

oh also when killua murdered those 2 guys and his hand was all vein-y and his nails were pointy, his hands looked like hisokas do...i wonder if thats a legit connection or it hisoka just b getting his nails did 

kurapika talking abt how even seeing a regular spider makes them rlly angry was both very sad and kinda funny. kura u have so many issues god bless 

kurapikas smackdown on evil blue franky was fuckin dope tho. and the red eyes reveal was SPOICY 

rlly love how the individual fights highlights the characters strengths/morals/motivations/whatever....the writing is already really strong tbh 

ugh ok ive ranted enough this is a Lot lmao its so disorganized but w/e 

basically i love this series so far and im rlly curious whatll happen next. also everything seems pretty chill and upbeat so far (relatively) and i know this shit gets dark and im NOT FUCKING READY. 

til next timeeee

#i think readmores are broken? sometimes? anyways i hope thats not the case and if so then im sorry everyone #im gonna schedule this for like 3 am this is just for me to ramble lmao #anyways i need a tag #uhhh #lj watches hxh #hxh #bam there we go

[thehealingplum]

long post. dysfunctional family. alcohol. violence. abuse. stalking.

honestly i feel like if i had realized how abusive my whole home situation was i would... i would have left so much sooner. dad just constantly made me feel like i was overreacting to the stuff that happened in the house. labeled me as the crazy and irrational one. he didnt like me going outside for advice for anything.

when i tried to get him to get an expert in to check for roaches, he just saw me as being stupid and... well now im afraid of roaches because one crawled on me while i was sleeping. he was so mad at me for staying in his workout room. i couldnt go back to my childhood bedroom. i was perpetually itchy in there. i dont know if fear had just physically manifested itself or if there really was some sort of irritant that did in fact cause itching JUST on my upper back. i had to sit in my room without a shirt because wearing clothes felt... it felt like something was always crawling on me.

i cant think of times where dad really supported my own personal decisions on anything. i cant think of times where he supported me in my mental health struggles. all ive had my whole life is invalidation, shame, and fear. being hit with a belt when we did something wrong. being belittled when we were afraid of something. being told we cant ever be negative around him, ever. tears werent allowed. anger wasnt allowed.

i had normalized all of it.

...if you grew up in fear of your parents, then they did something very wrong, and you need to get out of there for your own well being.

yeah, they took care of you, but ultimately, they didn’t do great jobs as parents and their inability to grow put a strain on the relationship.

anyone can help a person grow old. but it takes a whole lot more to help a person grow UP.

i’m immature because i grew up with immature parents. they didnt bother trying critical thinking. they didnt bother compromising. they always played the blame game. never took responsibility for their shit. and so here i am. the result of two overgrown children. nothing more than an overgrown child myself.

ive fallen so far behind my peers. people my age already have their own children to be caring for. theyve got nice homes and decent jobs and im couch hopping at 32 because i couldnt break free of my codependency with my father.

if your home life is making you really uncomfortable and is causing you actual harm emotionally and/or physically.... maybe take a step back and try to get outsider perspectives on things. they’ll help you see the truth that your parents didnt want you to.

because sometimes you dont remember things from your childhood that were really fucked up.

that night my dad fought with a teenager. he was drunk. a drunken man in his 40s pushing a teenager down a flight of stairs. apparently i had called my stepmom then. but i dont remember it. i dont remember any of it. i just remember i was scared because ‘dad was fighting with him.’

dad always made it seem like my stepmom and stepbrother were the problem. he tried to frame it as them being the badguys and us being the victims. but... dad was the one who had to be surrounded by cops because he was misbehaving in court. dad was the one who stalked my stepmother after the divorce. dad was the problem. and he made me the problem. and now its my job to stop being a problem.

[reviewae]

H2W Reactions (SPOILER ALERT)

Disclaimer: any excerpts taken and posted here do not belong to me, only the reactions do. the excerpts belong to the great great olivieblake.

Oh my god, so we’re starting with Dramione?! Yayayayayayayayayay!!!!!!(does a little tap-dance with sombrero dangling off of head.)

(Just so you know guys, I have already read this chapter roughly five times(I couldn’t control myself!) and all my reactions are not actual live reations, but roll with it.)

A whiff of something familiar that tickled his nose to consciousness; a faint hint of gardenias.Oh my god oh my god I know what that is..its Hermione’s perfume,right, from Clean and Marked!?

Hermione's perfume. See? I told ya.

"I wouldn't keep her very far," he commented, and Draco frowned, recognizing neither the man nor the intent behind his reference. Cause you’re not really into her yet, son. It takes time. But look what we got here: another Dramione shipper! Welcome to the fam son, your name?

"You're a motherfucking swine," Daisy snapped,  Yeah, tell him, girl!

"My father," Daisy interrupted, "has nothing to do with this." You poor, innocent child. *pats hair gently*

"Okay, listen up you little shitbag, I - mphhmhihm-" Ewww. Is it just me or does it look-sound like he’s kissed her. He’s most likely gagged her though.

Draco had once hoped himself that she would stop talking, he determined that a disconcerting form of wish-fulfillment. The snark levels of this guy, like honestly. He’s probably going to die but *gestures hands wildly* 

Draco caught the outline of a tattoo at the base of his throat, tucking the observation in the back of his mind for later. Okay, another guy from the mysterious infinity club. I’m going to save this info for later too.

Demonstration of what excessive snark levels make you:  "Sounds like breaking and entering," Draco commented in reply. "Though, considering you already have kidnapping checked off the list, I suppose that's nothing remarkable, is it?"

Draco Malfoy. They make you Draco Malfoy.

"I have surveillance charms set up in my office," she said tightly, not quite looking at Hermione. "I know you and Malfoy took my files, but I figured once you saw I wasn't covering anything up you'd simply return them. I thought it would be better to let you think you had me fooled," she exhaled, sighing out the irony, "so you'd figure out on your own that you could trust me." You little shit, Carnegie. You’re also kinda like Harry y’know. Just more, slytherin-ish.

Draco, again, felt a twinge of guilt at having once made the same assertion. I love how they keep coming back to this non-consequential piece of information.  

"You know," Draco ventured tangentially, "I have a tattoo myself." Yours is one heck of a tattoo son. Really..um, sophisticated. Also, I see what you’re doing there.

"I find that mine is rather telling," he offered wryly.No shit Sherlock.

"I'll tell you precisely who I am. I'm Nicholas Flamel, though I prefer to go by N-" What the fuck? That old shit’s dead. He was connected to that shiny red ruby then he died or something. Or was going to.

"You can't be Nicholas Flamel. He's - he's old," she protested, "and the Philosopher's Stone was destroyed, so - "   Same, sis, same.

and as I was saying, I prefer Nico. So You’re Nico!? Nice to meet you! Sorry to say this, but you’re kinda an asshole.

Nico's expression stiffened. That was a risky gamble. Let’s hope it works for your sake.

"Lady Revel," he repeated, his tongue darting angrily between his lips as if to rid himself of the taste. "I'll have to have a talk with Ignotus," Damn, she is already gone, man; nothing you do can ruin her further. and I kinda like her(totally cause she wants to mutilate umbridge) he murmured to himself, and behind Draco, he felt Hermione stiffen. Why did hermione stiffen? What does she know? Something’s up.

Draco elbowed her as sharply as possible, smacking the back of his head against hers for emphasis. When I said ‘physical affection’ I certainly did not mean this. Gentle with the goods, man.

"The attention," she croaked. "We theorized it was being done for attention. The reason for low-ranking officials is obviously access - they're easier to get to, first of all, and they don't have years of threats teaching them to watch their backs and safeguard their security, and - "

"Yes, yes," Nico said, flicking his wand again to silence her. "Attention, fine," he permitted, "but whose? That's no less opaque."

"But why on earth would anyone blame an organization whose entire purpose is predicated on secrecy?" Hermione pressed. "If these poisonings aren't being orchestrated by the Club, then who could be - " Wait, What the fuck? Two of them are tied up and the third is holding them hostage and they’re just talking to each other like they’re just solving any other case or something?

"Are you nearly done?" Emmett demanded. "Emilia's going mad, I can't hold her off for much longer, and if she calls in Daisy's Aurors - " Okay, first of all, Fuck you Emmett, you heartless bastard. Second of all, thank god, emilia is not involved in this. that would have been just too much heartbreak for poor Daisy.

"Really," he added, shaking his head with what appeared to be wildly misplaced mirth, "what parent would?" Wait. What’s happening? Why’d he say that? is he going to kill him? oh my gosh he’s gonna kill him isn’t he?

"What murder?" Emmett asked, and Draco groaned.

"Worst last words ever,"Seriously Draco, I honestly don’t know what to do with you. he muttered as Daisy screamed, and behind him, Draco felt Hermione gasp, both of them watching Emmett Carnegie fall stiffly to the floor in the span of a breath. Eeek. Didnt see THAT coming. or maybe i did. either way, good riddance?

"I have a chocolate frog card of you, you bastard!" HAHAHAHAHA!! Of all the things she could have said, she says that?!!

"That's a man I paid to continue to be me as I focused my attention on other pursuits. “ Stunt double. Seems like even the best can’t hold their own.

"Hermione," Draco interrupted, clearing a rasp from his voice. "I have to tell you something. Before we die, I need you to know something," he pressed urgently, and turned as far as he was able, catching the sharp turn of her head. "I need you to know I'm - I'm so sorry," he exhaled. "Everything I said to you, everything I did, I need you to know how sorry I am, and - " Omg, is it happening? is he telling her he loves her? but he’s accepting his death so quickly? that’s not possible. that’s not the Draco I know. He’s upto something isn’t he? He’s buying time. ahuhhh...

^^^Actual footage of Draco Malfoy. Sorry, Back to the story!

Draco was certain the compulsion to imagine his final words must have occurred at least once to Nicholas Flamel, a man who'd outlived his friends and family for centuries.

After all, even a man fixated on immortality must suffer mortal pitfalls.

"Surely you've thought about the things you would have done," Draco pressed. "Haven't you? The things you'd want to say, and how you'd want to say them." He paused, parsing his words carefully. "You can't tell me it's never crossed your mind." This little shit. He knows exactly what he’s doing and I love him!!!

"Draco," Hermione said quietly, leaning her head back against his. "It's okay, I understand - " Hermione, child,I love you and all but please, shut up. 

"In the lining of my pocket," he whispered to her. "Any vial will - " Please tell me there’s a bomb in there.

Draco nodded hurriedly, gripping Hermione's waist as her fingers rose to place themselves against his chest, smoothing out against the fabric of his shirt.  Yaaaaaasss pull her closer boy! Get some babay!!!

"I'm sorry," he told her. "I hurt you, I insulted you, I misjudged you, and I'm fucking sorry for it. Before anything happens to either of us, I need to know you forgive me for everything I've done."  Is he being genuine? Please be genuinely sorry. Please.

"I just need you to know that I love you, Hermione," Draco pronounced firmly, and yanked her in close, kissing her as deeply and ferociously as he could manage.

He deepened the kiss, gripping the back of her head with one hand as he covertly grasped her fingers with the other, and took the vial from her with careful, breathless precision.And then - because nothing in life was ever certain, he reasoned, and if he were going to die, he'd prefer it be in the aftermath of something enjoyable - he kissed her a few moments longer. He slid his tongue along the bottom swell of her lip and she shivered, drawing him closer. Her hands dropped to his hips, her fingers digging into the lip of his trousers, and  Oh my god, do i feel hot? is it hot in here? no only hot in there. oooff , when i said get some, you really took it to heart didn’t you?

"Ehem," Nico said, making a face. "I think you've said it."  Nico be like, “Meh. Straight, mortal people.”

Draco pulled away, dazed I totally understand boo.

"I'd rather not live to see Draco die, if that's alright with you." Gives me such Ride or Die deja vu feels.

There was a loud series of gasps, a shattering of glass, and then Draco looked up slowly, realizing that the many eyes of the party's guest had fallen on them; specifically, on the dead man clutched by his traumatized daughter, and then on Hermione and Draco, who clung to each other, breathing hard. Ooops?

Okay quick note, I’m skipping the rhys part cause unpopular opinion, I don’t like him. I mean, he’s decent and all but, Paws off Draco’s Hermione!! So yeah, y’know. Also he’s a side character, not veeerryy interested in him.Also, who’s gonna read that when you have dramione coming up? Yes, more DRAMIONE!!!YAAASSS!!! I’ll probably do this reaction later, in a small side note or something.

She reached out, catching his arm. Are they going to fuck?Please do!!!

"Malfoy," she began, and exhaled, uncertain how to proceed. "What you said back there, in Daisy's office - "

"It was a distraction," Draco supplied curtly. "Nothing to acknowledge. Shockingly," he drawled, kicking at the upturned corner of the rug, "I'm not actually in love with you." Sheeshh. Harsh.

"No, I meant about - " she faltered. "You said you were sorry." She’s not letting go that easy, isn’t she? God bless her.

"Of course I'm sorry," he said. "You know that." Awwww, he acknowledges it.Okay,that’s it, i am officially in love with this Draco.

"Until what?" he asked, stepping towards her. "Until it was almost too late? Until we were both about to die?" He paused again, staring at her. "Until I was holding you in my arms?" Woooh, from a zero to a hundred just like that. Man, he’s hot when he’s scary, and frank.

and he looked as though he might step closer, but then abruptly decided against it.  Nononononononnonono. Its just one little step. Just one little step, do it man.

She took the step he didn't. THANKYOU!!!!!

She reached out, brushing a strand of silvery-blond hair from his eyes, and swallowed hard. *chanting* KISS KISS KISS KISS!!!!

Behind them, the Floo suddenly burst into flames, Harry's head appearing in the fireplace. OKAY WHAT THE FUCK! HARRY? YOU FUCKING BASTARD!! YOU COULD’VE JUST WAITED 10 SECONDS COULDN’T YOU? YOU JUST HAD TO COCKBLOCK RIGHT NOW!? YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKER!! GET LOST!!! 

OKAY I AM NOT EVEN READING THE REST CAUSE I AM TOO ANGRY TO(And also cause the scroll sigh is almost at the end.). HARRY POTTER YOU COME IN FRONT OF ME NEXT TIME AND I’LL FUCKING RIP YOU TO SHREDS!!!

Roughly an hour later, That was not a cliffhanger, but it was also fucking worse!!! Now have to wait for like 3-4 more chapters of angsty eye-fucking and rhys-hermione before i get a glimpse  of pure unadulterated and uninterrupted Dramione (yes, I’m side-eyeing Harry.)  Well, that’s all for this chapter, make sure to reblog and follow.I make new reactions every sunday.(Though this came a little late ‘cause i had exams.) Also shoutout to @coyunnnnn for reblogging. Thanks for reading!!! 1402wisegirl, over and out.

#Reactions #How to Win Friends And Influence People #olivieblake #Draco Malfoy #Hermione Granger #Dramione #Harry Potter #Daisy Carnegie #Emmett Carnegie #Emilia Carnegie #Nicholas Flamel #Rhys Hawkworth #Cadell Hawkworth #Gwen Hawkworth #Ifan Hawkworth #Dionisia Trewlawnley #The Infinity Club

[hiddenorlost-blog]

Just need a second

In matter of months my life has turned itself upside down. Now I’m not shifting blame it is in part my fault. However... well let’s just take a recap of my last few months.

So in May I moved out of my apartment with my partner because they WERE supposed to be getting disability the next month. They assured me as much. So I said I’m not going to renew my lease we can wait for your extra money and get a nicer apartment in the bigger city near us where I was working at the time. At this time they hadn’t held down a job for over a year, which means, I’ve been paying foreverying for myself, my partner, and their child. I don’t have a great job but I work an insane amount of hours and I can’t ever take a day off because if I do then I can’t pay our bills.

But they won’t do anything unless I get upset and then get mad at me for being upset. For example, I’ll work all day and come home and nothing has been cleaned they just sat on the couch all day. And they won’t do anything to try to check on there disability unless I’m constantly asking. Hey did you call them. I honestly feel like crying all the time. But moving forward.

So I let the apartment go and we moved into their moms house (she is a crazy bitch and I don’t mean that lightly. She was always accusing us of stealing and then realizing that she just put it in a different spot. Or blamed us for various things that we didn’t do). We were only supposed to be there for 1 month. MAYBE 2 if we wanted to save a bit more. Well we were there 3 months and she kicked us out because we agreed to pay her $200 a month since I was never there other then to sleep. But that month she decided that if we didn’t immediately give her another $500 then we needed to move out ASAP. So we did because no surprise I still am the only one making money.

So I end up calling a friend who lets us sleep on there couch for 2 nights. Now at this point I could have called my mom to ask for help but you see it was her birthday so I didn’t want to ruin it. Now my friends mom offered to let us stay as long as we needed RENT FREE let me say that again. A women I have only met a handful of times let me, my partner, and our dog live with her RENT FREE because in her words, we shouldn’t pay to live with family and she considers me family.

So we lived with her for almost a month before I found our current place. And my partner just seems moody all the time. And they keep saying how they miss everyone when this was the plan from the beginning and of course I’m still paying for everything! But thankfully I just landed a great job opportunity. I hope it works out. It has the potential to make good money for me. Which is good since because of my partner who has been unemployed 2.5 of the 3 years be have been together. I am almost 6.5K in debt.

So we get into this new place and I just got everything from my mom because she is selling her house. I just kept it there so I didnt need a storage unit and my partner keeps pointing out how much stuff I have and that I need to throw it all away. And they don’t have anything because they have never worked enough to get things for themselves. But I’m kinda to the point where I want to break up but I can’t break up with them because I would feel bad that they would have to move into one of their parents places again. But I’m just not that happy anymore.

I’m almost 25 and I feel like I’m missing out because I have to do everything all the time with no help. At least if I was on my own I could pay off my debt and not have to worry about extra cost from filling up their car and feeding 2 additional mouths plus our dog. And I always feel like they are unhappy cause we can’t do anything. HELL im UNHAPPY I CANT DO ANYTHING. Even though I’m the one working all the DAMN time.

And today I took a day off to relax because the past 5-6 months have been nothing but stress. The month we moved out of my apartment they were in charge of packing because again I work all the time and they couldn’t even do that so it caused a lot of fights. Now they say I make them feel bad for bringing up that they haven’t made any money in 2.5 years. And I’m like then maybe you should get a job. And then we go in circles about how no one will call them back.

I’ve cried myself to sleep more then I want to admit. I wish I could be single again but I’m also scared that if I don’t stay with him all never get married and have kids. I want 2-3 kids. And I currently have 0 biologically. Their child is so misbehaved because they only punish them for about 10 minutes regardless what they did and then the child is back to playing. I was raised on the values that if you lie or hit you get spanked and grounded for at least a week. No tv no friends over etc.

I honestly feel so lost. Because we used to be great together. But now I don’t even want to be physically close to them. Kisses are fine but anything more then that and my skin starts to crawl. Which I know a lot of this is a big red flag. Like anymore and it would be crimson. But I don’t want them to be in a bad situation. Plus how do I explain that to the child, and our families that I just can’t take the stress anymore. Honestly I wish he would leave me or cheat on me so I could kick him out. He cheated before and I took him back like an idiot. But why would he ever leave when I pay for everything.

Signing off,

~Lost

#sad #relationship #problem #money #financial #moving out #new jobs #breakup

[honeyrose-tea]

thank you for sharing all that with me. it means a lot to me that you trust me. honestly, if he was showing all the signs of being attracted to you he probably was. which just means hes kind of a floozy for moving on to someone else so easily. i do wish your mutual friends had thought to set you up with him, but its possible they didn't know you were interested, or didnt think the two of you had compatible long term goals. i wouldnt blame them too harshly, since you dont know why things happened the way they did.

the one thing i do want to tell you is: do not stop caring about yourself. you are beautiful, and so smart, and such a talented singer/song writer. you have a lot of incredible things that people definitely do notice. i notice, and i miss you when we dont talk for long periods. and i promise you i dont mean this in a disparaging way, but youre young! you have so much life left to love and to fall in love and to have others fall in love with you. 

feel free to stop wearing makeup if thats what you truly want, but dont feel as though none of it is worth it. just because you havent found love yet doesnt mean you never will. 

i do think youre good enough and deserving of love and i really hope you find a love that is strong and pure and that he will be able to show you he loves you even when you feel unloveable, but love is something that takes time and it takes a little bit of patience and luck. but I do know youll find the one for you -🌙

before I get into all my own thoughts, I just wanna say thank you. you always know the right things to say to make me feel better. I love you, friend. and I hope you're doing good too, I know I didn't ask about you in my last message but I was honestly just... feeling terribly. I do care of course and I'd love to know what's going on with you too!!!

so, as far as building my evidence for him being attracted to me, this is what I have

- all the sudden (about 3-4 weeks ago) he started mentioning he was single as often as possible

- he touched me multiple times in one night (not really sexually or anything, a quick hand on my back or my shoulder or something kinda flirty like that) after never having done it before, then stopped and has been almost... purposeful about not doing it again. like it spooked him or something

- EYE CONTACT. very very deep (he looked like he could see into my soul and it was freakyyyy) and often he was looking at me even when someone else was talking

- he has started doing audio and camera at church despite not knowing anything about tech stuff. this also happened right about the same time he started expressing interest in me, and he's almost always on the schedule the same weeks I am. if I didn't know better I'd think he did it to hang out with me. last night at our band rehearsal (which the tech people also attend) I didn't look at him because I didn't want to but I could see him staring at me from the corner of my eye and he seemed... to know something was up. that's probably also me just projecting my own thoughts onto him but I had no feelings for him until he started expressing interest in me, so I feel like at least part of this is based in fact? I don't know

- when I told him about a recent accomplishment of mine, he looked me very deep in my eyes and said "I'm so proud of you" which... is kind of something you had to be there to understand how meaningful it was but it was just so.... genuine and loving. anyway

- he always hangs around during our church group until we're the last two (aside from the couple whose house we're at) and he always parks next to me and says bye to me for a few moments while we're outside alone. he always makes sure to say when he'll see me again, like he's anticipating it and hopes I am too

- he teases and jokes with me a lot but never goes too far or gets rowdy about it like he does with the others

- despite not being a big compliment person he has on several occasions complimented me on being smart and a good singer (both of which are debatable, but I digress). I haven't really noticed him doing it with anyone else either

- we've been talking through a sermon series on marriage (which has been a whole thing lol) and every time he chimes in with some kind of insight about what a good marriage should look like, he seems to always be looking at me

- it feels like he always stands or sits either 1) slightly too close and/or 2) directly across from me so he can stare at me the whole time. I can always feel his eyes on me and it makes me so nervous

- the first time he mentioned going on a date with this girl, I *almost* thought he was testing me to see if I was jealous. as usual, he was staring right at me when he said it, like he was trying to gauge my reaction or something. maybe I'm just crazy. probably

- even after having said all this stuff about how much he liked her, he was still hyper-focused on me the whole night, and when I mentioned how none of my friends are comfortable with physical touch and it's one of the things I crave and miss a lot, he looked at me with what I can only describe as this face 🥺 and said "I'll give you hugs" (among several other flirty things he did that night)

there's a lot more that I just can't think of right now. seeing it all written out makes it seem kinda flimsy but I really could have sworn he was being a lot more than friendly toward me on many many occasions. so anyway yeah. I guess we're just good friends and I should forget it and just try and act normal around him. I can't help getting a pit in my stomach when he's around now. I never used to act weird around him even though I definitely thought he was attracted to me but now I just feel... hurt and confused. I don't even know how to act anymore

as for our mutual friends who set him up with the girl (Madison), I don't harbor any resentment toward them at all. you're right, it was probably just a situational thing where they didn't really think about me. and Madison is such a good match for him it really does make sense that they set them up. that doesn't really make me feel any better though

and I of course still care about myself, this has just been a big blow to my self-confidence, especially since he's the first person I've even thought about in a romantic way since Eli. it seems like no matter how hard I try, I can't have romantic love, which I desire so so so much. even when I'm being friendly and accomplishing a lot and keeping up with my appearance and doing everything right AND when I feel like someone is showing all the signs of being into me, stuff still goes wrong. I wasn't in love or anything, but I really liked the idea of being with him. he's kind and responsible and involved in our church and comes from a really sweet family and has a million more incredible traits that I don't want to get into right now. I just wish things weren't always getting ruined.

more than anything I'm just mad at myself. I was stupid for thinking he was into me and deep down I know I'm stupid for hoping he still is and will realize it somehow. I'm a good person and I like myself but I couldn't compare to Madison in a million years. she's gonna be good to him and I know she'll make him happy, which is at least a little bit of a comfort. I do really just want him to be happy. at the end of the day he's one of my best friends. I'll get over it and deal with it quietly and with any luck he won't know.

thank you for being so kind and taking your time to write all of this to me. you're so encouraging and far too sweet to me and I appreciate it more than I can say. talk soon, friend. I love you

#pen pal

[shamelessjupiter]

Capos remind me of daddy.

I remember loving you so much it hurt. And I just couldn't understand what I had done that was so bad that you were always angry with me. And please know I tried for so long to be perfect. I tried to breathe quietly, I tried not to complain, to smile, to keep the peace, to untie your boots, to get you a drink, to be subservient. I made it my task to heal your pain, a pain I thought I knew nothing about. A pain you had not created, a pain given to you, gifted to you, identically how I had gotten mine, genetically.

I would have swallowed the sun for you. I would have given you a thousand of my lifetimes if it meant we got to have you forever, the you you were when things were good. I would have given up anything for you to place me on your shoulders and to be sure you didnt regret my very existence. I was consumed by the theory if i were perfect, extraordinary, intelligent, interesting enough, you wouldn't want to spend one more minute away from home, away from me. I wish I were writing to say that I'd figured out that equation, that I have been diligent enough to have synthesized happiness or love, anything to stop this. But three decades into my life and still, nothing.

I can remember the day I realized that it never mattered who I was, what I did, how perfect I pretended to be. Maybe you remember it too. I was thirteen and I dont really remember what I had done to set you off but I do remember you slapped me across the face.

"Where were you?!" You were spitting as you spoke, unaware of the saliva caught in the corners of your mouth. Your eyes, red and glazed, weren't seeing me but instead landed just to the right of me.

Maybe there were two of me there that night. One who had been two hours late home, unable to contact anyone, forced late by her younger brother who had refused to get on the city bus for over 90 minutes,

and the other, who had forgot her responsibilities and instead spent that time posted up on VanBuren outside some no-tell motel, as you said "selling my ass for cash"

As you threw that sentence at me, and your saliva hit me, creating eroded holes in my body, I felt a very real switch sensation. I knew then and there that I would forever try my hardest to never let you see me in pain. And when you slapped me across the face i did not react, but instead looked through you. You slapped me again... still nothing. Yes, it hurt like hell but my heart hurt worse.

I over heard you speak about the incident later.

"She didnt even move, she just stared at me" you were shocked and your voice reflected it. It was quickened, breathless, almost panicked.

You apologized in the morning.

"I'm sorry about last night"

"Its fine"

"Its not"

" honestly I would rather you hit me a dozen times a day then have to hear the things you say."

You were silent. I think you knew then you had broken me, I think you recognized the monster in me as clear as your own reflection.

I wish I could say that you had changed as much as I did then, but you didnt. It was years after that, multiple run always, CPS visits, an ultimatum, and moving across the country, before I felt like it was over. I was wrong, but you did stop hitting me.

I can't tell you how many times I've cried myself to sleep with "WHY COULDNT HE JUST LOVE ME?!" destroying my mind. I can't tell you how many violent episodes leading to physical altercations I have experienced because of the rage, hurt, emptiness, you left me with. I can't tell you how many faces my fists have connected with that were identical to yours. Likely all of them.

No one on earth can make me ignore the voice inside my head constantly running inventory of all the vile things you have said to and about me. What's worse is that voice that torments me day and night, the voice that shaped my view of myself, isnt mine. But it is familiar, and I believe it.

All my life I've been frantic to fix myself lest I spill over onto others. Therapy, drinks, drugs, food, men, work, having children, screaming, crying, self harm, nothing has worked more than a moment. Eventually the distraction fades and I am left alone in the dark you created for me to live in.

The insanity in all of this is knowing in spite of all the trauma, inability to disciple my children, the thousands of hours and dollars spent on therapy, and at the risk of ending up destroyed and looking very stupid, if I thought there was an honest to god chance that you figured out how to change, i would pluck the sun from the sky, and again, without hesitation, and aware of the detriment it would likely cause me, swallow it whole. And With my scorched insides forgive you completely. One of the saddest days I have ever been through was when I had to ask you to leave my house for fear that my children grow to recognize the change in your voice, the stench of your slurring words, and be driven mad by your eyes, unable to focus, just a little more narrow, more tired, than usual. Watching you walk down the driveway, bag in hand, felt like I was casting out everything I'd ever wanted. I wanted to scream "NO, WAIT, PLEASE DONT LEAVE US. dont let them learn the back of your head, your posture, the swing of your arms as you walk. Dont let them be empty too" I would do anything to spare my children from that. but, I knew I couldnt. I knew it wouldn't change anything.

You know, sometimes, when zac begins to cry his face contorts in a way identical to you. Often it takes everything inside me not to loose my mind.

I know I will never heal or move on should I put your feeling, your secrets, above myself. You are not more special than I. Your feelings should not be prioritized over my own any longer. I will not raise you any more, I cannot be your mother too. And just know that I do not hate you, not at all. Quite the opposite actually. The problem is that I hate myself, and I cannot stop the voice narrating it all, because I do not own it. It belongs to you.

[survivormarmoreal]

Episode #10: “He wanted to have this ginormous dick energy" - Brian

Well losing Keaton wasn't in the plan. He was one of my closest allies. I may have screwed things up with Brian. Maybe if I can come up with a lie good enough, we could believe me. Sharky knows that I liked Keaton so maybe theres still trust there. Hopefully. Im still working with Nathan but hopefully he still wants to work with me even though Keaton is gone. I know for sure that I have Bryce. At least that's one ally but who knows.

OKAY OKAY OKAY. Thank fucking GOD. Everything worked out. All the other votes were for Matt so there is no question who is a liar. Because everyone is a liar. But it doesn't matter because our plan worked. Matt is still here. I'm still here. AND KEATON IS NOT!!! Now of course everybody is scrambling to apologize to me. Nick is like oh it was so last minute. Maynor is like "i liked you both so it would keep you both". Nathan is spewing some nonsense. Bryce honestly kind of owned up and laughed it off which tbh i respect. And of course my girl Anna checked in and I told her we are golden. Because we are. Anna was 100% up front with me about this plan so I trust her A LOT now. I told her Brian and I didn't tell Matt about the plan, which is a lie, but it's the smart thing to tell her because it keeps her from being put in another tough position. And I never told Matt Anna was the leak. So Anna should be safe from any fallout after this vote. Nothing to do now but move forward and hopefully Matt or I win immunity and the FB Bois can carry on.

Update: I'm sure as hell not winning immunity because I only got 3 out of 25. Embarrassing. Physical threat who?

Bryce is my final 2.  There, I've said it.  I'm 100% solid on this man as my fellow finalist!  I really hope that we are able to navigate our way to finals together... like, we have our plans, we spilled all the tea... basically Nick and Maynor just continuously lied to me, and like... idk... I feel like Bryce could be lying, but I just feel too good about this connection that I think it's a real final deal.

So fuck me with a spoon and call me Sally because I finally feel amazing about an ally to the end.

Also, we have our "potential vote order."

8. Nick - A goat that could just be brought to the end.  He's not too bad, but he's also someone who could easily replace me in the Sharky-Matt-me trio. 7. Annabelle - Break her duo with Nathan up while also breaking her trust circle with Sharky.  I think it would be ideal for me to take her out now. 6. Sharky - He's the biggest threat and you can't keep the biggest threat around for too long, no matter how much you trust them.

Top 5: Me, Bryce, Nathan, Matt, and Maynor.  This isn't the cutest final 5 ever, but I feel like this sets me and Bryce up for the best final 2.

5. Biggest challenge threat, whoever that may be. 4. Biggest challenge threat now (if it's final 2).  If it's final 3, then biggest jury threat. 3. Final loser (if it's final 2).

1+2. Me and Bryce.  Kings.

omg so brian is my f2 now and thats so iconic... so we think the boot order is gonna be like nick anna sharky and then reevaluate for comp threats.... like so i didnt want to vote matt bc i didnt want to lie to brian bc i really wanted to work with him but nathan convinced me to anyway esp bc we knew anna voted matt already and then GHOSTED. but then matt played idol so someone (maybe nick) prob told him/sharky about the plan... sketchy anyway it worked out bc i hate keaton and am happy hes gone. so when tribal ended i noticed sharky brian matt werent leaving call and they were all the minority voters... well majority bc of the idol... so i went into damage control. it was so iconic bc i didnt even pm sharky or matt just brian bc i really only felt bad about lying to him bc i wanted to work with him so much and matt doesnt respond that much and well sharky maybe i was a lil bad feeling about lying but w/e. i just joked around with them didnt hide anything and was my usual charming self... so i was honest with them about what happened bc i realized like i dont want to work with ppl who lie to me. i forgot if i mentioned this but like keaton and nick refused to tell me they were voting matt even tho we were all supposed to be in on it. and while everyone else was lying about why they voted or when the plan was formed i decided to be forth right. idk if thatll come back to haunt me but hope not NNNN. i was on that call for 7 hours. thats dedication NFJAJDFSHKAJS although they were all iconic and fun to talk to anyway so wasnt that hard but i sleep at midnight the latest usually and it was 2am. but w/e i pushed through bc tiredness is passing but positioning myself properly is NECESSARY. once it was just brian and i we shared everything or at least i did KJFASDKJFA he kept being a lil shady but i think it was fair bc i did just lie to him. i told him about nathans vote spy and the og absolem (minus nick) alliance and all the stuff ppl were saying and he told me about how he knew of matts idol bc he himself had a vote steal and they traded info. so loved that tbh!!! like if we have to use it this round itll set us up good it think, plan is to take out nick bc he can be goated to the end and flipped to and we dont want that. then anna bc shes good at comps and wanna split nathan/anna up. then hopefully work with maynor/nathan/(maybe matt) to vote out sharky bc if he gets to the end he'd win we feel like. after that we gotta see who we can beat in comps so we can beast our way to the f2. we think its f2 bc how days line up but like im bad at math so KFJASDHFJSD. anyways me and brian are like the michele and cydney that make it to the end so get ready for that. sorry nathan, thank you next!

I dont know if i said it last confessional but losing Keaton at the moment was really bad. He trusted me and was working with me. But now it looks like Matt want to start a little alliance. Sharky wasnt bad, was just happy it wasnt him, and Brian not mad but upset. I think i literally may be working with everyone left. Scream team with Sharky. OG Dinah with Brian. Shatter but still together me nathan annabelle and bryce. My rams alliance with bryce. And nick talks to me but is only one who hasnt said we should work together.

So we out here still! I am really happy that the idol play worked and it seems to have shaken the 5 who voted against myself, brian and sharky a lot. they are all seemingly panicking and its quite amusing to watch ngl. However, I am pretty sure I can capitalise on this to my own advantage, to swing the numbers my way or at least to take myself to like 5th (which for me is always a good placing). I am sure as hell not done playing yet so woo lets go bitches!

worried brian is closer to matt than me... annabelle once again ignoring. i dont know how to have a convo with matt like on call sure easy love it on discord? not happening. nick... maynor seems off today but we still chatted for a while... maybe im over? whomst knows! love ain

These questions were all out of left field like wow. I didn't even get to read all the questions. I randomly looked at a question and picked a number. I actually knew more of them than the ones I picked. I only got one right and that was Mickey Mouse and I don't even like him that much. Lets hope people are thrown off by these questions and panic like I did.

So Nathan has come and apologized. I really do believe his plan, although it was super selfish, was to get our group of 4 further. So I'm not mad. But the thing is that more so than Nathan lying it showed that he has real POWER in this game. He was able to get a 6 person majority to do what he wanted and convinced them all to lie to me and Brian. So he won't be my next target because he has my back but I don't have his anymore so he better watch out. Nathan is the biggest threat left in this game.

Okay so it's seems all is at peace. Anna had been worried that Nathan would come after me but it seems that passed. And The Jock Destroyers Alliance actually seems to be on the same page for once. Nick is just seeming like an unknown to all of us and we want to cut down on unknowns this late in the game. None of us can guarantee Nick is with us and that is worrisome. So as much as I've tried to work with Nick these past few weeks it might be time to cut my goat loose and move on with a new flock. I guess we'll find out.

I WON IMMUNITY!!! My wig is flown... now I can be more ballsy over the next 24 hours.  I want Nick gone.  For Nathan and Sharky to think that they're the ones doing this, though, is so annoying because I was literally the one to open this can of worms.  In addition, the reason I want Nick gone is because I want him out of Sharky's ass.  I don't need the two of them to be besties anymore!  I know Sharky is OK with voting him out, but I know Nick thinks him and Sharky are like besties so...

I think that 5 that voted Matt last round were thrown into a tizzy when Keaton went, and so I'm just out here like... lemme revel in the chaos!  Maynor and Nathan both were so anxious for my reaction... Nick went explaining to me right away what happened... ugh!!  My mind is so big... Sending Nick home this round will be one step closer to fulfilling my top 2 fantasy with Bryce.  I love it so much.  I really hope all goes to plan, but I am immune so I can't really be too worried since I'll still be here after 24 hours lmfao!!

I would love to be the hero by the end of this season, but I already see my villain arc coming up, and I'm left sitting here like... well, it was bound to happen.  The second I turn on Sharky is the second I hit that arc, and it's a plan that's coming sooner rather than later!!

i feel like... im going home its so quiet like brian won immunity and pushed on nick so like he should go but its just so quiet hm.

Well. It looks like it might be me. 🤷‍♂️ No one hs been talking to me so I guess its may be my last day!?

So the vote is either between Me or Nick tonight. And i dont like that. Going to see if I can get Nick and atleast 2 other votes to atleast make it a tie. The only other option right now is to take out Sharky. Im looking to try and get Bryce, Nick, and hopefully Nathan. Brian is safe. That leaves Matt, Annabelle, and Sharky. So like 🤷‍♂️ Imma go out fighting if its me.

So like, this tribal is really quite quiet, but seems to have a clear target in  Nick. SOmething of which i will HAPPILY take for myself, as I am just fed up of getting voted atm lmao. Like yes please just give me 1 round of respite then you may come for me again cause I will be ready. I feel close to Maynor and Nathan, mainly cause I have worked on them over the past few days so i feel good about myself and where i stand. will I win? probably not. Am i ok with that? no but if I have to settle I will

Okay for once it seems like there isn't much scrambling. I could be completely wrong and I'll get sent packing but who knows. It should be a quick and easy vote for Nick.

I jinxed it. The moment I said it should be easy NICK GOES OFF IN THE TRIBE CHAT. Trying to basically threaten all of us with the idea that he may have another idol. THEN BRIAN CALLS HIM OUT. And he puts Nick on blast for leaking the Matt plan to us. Which he did do. BUT Anna is actually the one who told us. So Nick either actually has an advantage and will save himself (in which case I don't think I'm his target) or his whole game just BLEW UP. It's messy messy messy.

Well Nick just ruined all the possibilities ih trying to save him. Nathan doesnt seem like we could get the votes so that also gets rid of Annabelle because they are very tight. So my vote is gunna be Nick but just watch its actually me. 🤷‍♂️  I would die but nothing i can really do know.

maybe im boo boo the fool??? theres been iconic fights and stuff and now nick is gonna vote me which is rude but he says hes voting maynor but i doubt that bc maynor tried to save him earlier this round so idk whats happening ppl are saying like dont worry he doesnt have the votes but what if he idols or what if ppl flip or like i dont want any vote against me in the first place. all these ppl so stable bc they arent the ones getting voted. the AUDACITY nick has when ive put up with his bland unanswering self for all these weeks to vote me on his way out??? no ty!!! maynor is like the most NNN idk he just has the worst pokerface i went with his annoying save keaton plan last week and im pretty sure he is going to vote me now too like... maybe dont do that what happen to the stupid :rams: :rams: aries thing we had going... make it add up!

Looks like I’m going home... the only chance I have at staying is if bryce gets out but I’m worried that’s not going to happen... I guess we will see wha happens in a few hours…

AHH!!  So I got into a fight with Nick earlier.  He wanted to have this ginormous dick energy in the main chat about powers he has and how he KNOWS who mentioned his name... girl, you know NOTHING!  He still thinks I've voted for him twice, and highkey if I had read my PMs about the idol before 7:45pm, then I would've voted for him exactly Z E R O times.  So fucking ugly...

So yea, I fought him.  And I'd say I won.  I just hope everyone sends his ass home.  Bryce and Nathan are updating me on, like, everything, and we have Maynor who just is beyond sketchy with his PMs.... I really just... WHEW.... I hope Nick's straight ass goes home and it isn't Bryce.

This tribal is going to be one big fat mess... but like i’m ready for it

I dont really want to do Nick tonight but its the best thing for now not to rock the boat. Im just hoping that everyone isnt lying and its some how me tonight. 🤷‍♂️ Just need to trust people who are saying they are doing Nick. But having a weird feeling and hopefully its a false alarm.

Tbh Brian not voting makes me feel sketch about tonight. It may be nothing and just me being worried that my name was thrown out. He said he was going to sleep early but he could have voted early for Nick so like. 🤷‍♂️ Paranoid and im going to die.

Nick is voted out 5-1-1.

#episode #allmadhere