#i'm honestly dissociating a whole lot rn but.

[peri]

I hope that you feel nice today

i'm feeling horrible and fine at the same time. being off your meds does some crazy things to you. but it's not as bad as it could be i suppose! thank you for the kind gesture, it means a lot.

#peri talks to gems #unidentified gem #i'm honestly dissociating a whole lot rn but. #i'll pull through

[starseers]

hi! so basically I was wondering do u have any tips on can someone know for sure if they have alters or if it is singlet fluid identity or personas/ocs/etc? what does singlet fluid identity look like compared to a system switching through alters? when u only know two possible alters how can one know more when no communication method has worked? and is it normal for one alter to stay at the front for a long time and just not think about whose fronting and such and still be a system? how did u figure it out if u are okay with sharing..

Okay well that's a lot to go through, gonna tap the "I'm not a professional, just a dude" sign again though, were also dyslexic and just generally bad at processing things so sorry if we read something wrong

First of all, I've never heard the term "singlet fluid", so I can't give input on that. I'm gonna guess you're questioning if your a system though. It's a... Weird experience.

I did ask our partner system (@sleepysystem-vibes ) for some input though, and here's their response;

For how we found out- This is a bit of a hand me down story cause I'm a new(er) alter, so excuse lack of details, but an old host had been looking into intrusive thoughts a lot and found an article comparing intrusive thoughts and DID. It was a shit article looking back on it but it got us on the right track.

We looked into it a bit more and basically, it filled all the holes any other things we've researched couldn't fill. Not hallucinations, not intrusive thoughts, and not mood swings.

The best advice I can really give you is just go with your gut. Most systems I've talked to all say it just felt right, either that or they were suddenly diagnosed.

You can ask yourself simple questions though:

Do I have gaps in my childhood?

Do I deal with often dissociation/derealization/depersonalization?

Do I ever feel like I'm watching my life from a TV screen/ not in control of my body?

Those are just some I can come up with off the top of my head, but they can be helpful.

For OCs vs. alters- oh boy don't worry, we went through that too. It's even worse when your ocs are also alters. Introjection can make things confusing lol

We actually started our whole discovery process because of OCs. There's a barrier between daydream and sentience (that's likely the wrong word but I can't think of anything better rn). We realized these "OCs" we're still being "daydreamed" even when we stopped and we gain traits and characteristics of them, which is partially natural, we all pick up traits of characters we like. However, there were periods when these traits would come and go, later learning that's certain alters moving close and away from front.

I honestly can't be much help in that department though, it just took a lot of time and communication for us. If they want to be know, they'll tell you. The best thing that helped us was the phrase we still use during low days; "You wouldn't have to question this if there wasn't a reason to question it."

Something is there that makes you turn your head, and that's what you should focus on.

For switching- switching is... Complicated. There's different types of switch, different experiences, different experiences depending on the alter- etc. I'd recommend looking up "possessive switching" and "non-possessive switching" to help you figure out if you are switching though.

For how one alter can know more than another- dissociative barriers. Simple as that. The disorder is made to protect you from intense childhood trauma, it's just part of the shebang. Don't know what that means? Google is a luxury we don't realize! Look it up.

For alters staying in front- that is extremely common. It's usually called being front-stuck. It's a miracle I'm even fronting right now considering our host is painfully front stuck a lot. It's natural, and it'll pass. Same for not knowing who's fronting. If you mean as in not caring to ask who's fronting, that's normal too. We've flat out forgot we're a system multiple times before! Life just gets busy and frankly? It's not healthy to fixate on your system 24/7 like most would suggest.

Now, best tip of all? Don't depend on social media. Google research papers, they're there for a reason and easy to access. Hell, I don't know your situation but if you're at all able, go to a therapist- specifically a trauma specialist because anything else will likely waste your time. There's a lot of misinformation online, especially about dissociative identity disorder, be careful who you listen to and check the credibility of what you read. Don't even take my word for it, you have no idea who I am, I'm not even an adult! We got lost in a shit ton of misinfo at the beginning and I'd hate to see you fall in it too, with that being said though, I wish they best of luck to you!

#so sorry if this is messy im dissociated and dont feel like re reading this another 5 times lol #sys followers my beloveds you are free to add on if you want #📀🛠️✶.*̥˚ #⋅•⋅⊰ asks! ⊱⋅•⋅ #did #dissociative identity disorder #did system #traumagenic system #endos dni #tulpas dni #new system #did community

[coexistentialism]

hi! can I get your input and resources if u have any? how exactly would u differentiate a normal non dissociative related facet(?) of one’s self vs alters/parts in osdd/did/pdid? can singlets have selves that are of completely differing aesthetics, species, age/maturity, and such not put on by choice? I’ll give an made up example… an identity that is composed of being a fairy into “cottagecore” who acts older/mature vs another id that is composed of being a silly childish dog. That create conflict in how to look and how to come off. like where’s the line between someone that has multiple aesthetics and sometimes acts childish vs parts/alters. throwing dissociation trauma and amnesia out the window rn bc the singlet in my example could even have trauma and dissociation and amnesia yet still are a singlet.. I’m more so focusing on the parts themselves if that makes sense. can I also ask what do u think of the term monoconscious and polycon what could it mean for someone w that experience? thank you.

I ended up apparently having more to say about this than I expected. I don't think I really answered your question, but this gave me an opportunity to just ramble my feelings and thoughts, so.

"How exactly would you differentiate a normal non dissociative related facet(?) of one’s self vs alters/parts in osdd/did/pdid? Can singlets have selves that are of completely differing aesthetics, species, age/maturity, and such not put on by choice? I’ll give a made up example… An identity that is composed of being a fairy into “cottagecore”, who acts older/mature, vs another identity that is composed of being a silly, childish dog. That creates conflict in how to look and how to come off. Like where’s the line between someone that has multiple aesthetics and sometimes acts childish vs parts/alters. Throwing dissociation, trauma, and amnesia out the window right now because the singlet, in my example, could even have trauma and dissociation and amnesia, yet still are a singlet.. I’m more so focusing on the parts themselves if that makes sense."

I... Honestly have no idea because I have been very sheltered my whole life and don't really know what it's like for a singlet to experience those things. I also don't feel confident in my ability to even attempt to come up with an answer either. To be honest, I don't quite think there IS an answer!

How do you know if your facets of self are not related to any kind of dissociation? Easy! If you don't experience dissociation, and/or if you don't experience any kind of dissociation from the facet of yourself, then you are experiencing a non-dissociative facet of yourself.

Okay, but my real answer is... You never really know for certain. Not if you don't get strapped up to like a brain scan or something and see the physical, real, biological changes. And even then, I'm sure that somebody who has gotten that "biological evidence" of the real changes in their brain, I'm sure that they would still experience denial.

The truth is that alters can oftentimes just look like somebody is having an "off day." Or maybe they're more cheerful today than usual. Or maybe they seem to be making a lot of slip-ups today than usual. Maybe they're a bit forgetful - they come in late to work sometimes and they forget about things here and there, but they're always a good worker, they do their job and they're a cool person. Maybe they are a person who has DID and those "off days" and "being more happy than usual" are different alters, or maybe that is a singlet person who just.. Can be different sometimes.

I made a really long post about "identity alteration" in DID and how it differs from people who might not have DID (or OSDD) here. I'm not sure if you've already come across that post and read it, but I figured I would link it just in case.

I'll also refer to Felis' post here because their post is better and probably better answers your questions than I could. I'm sure other systems on Tumblr have also made posts regarding this topic as well, and I encourage other people to add their own input on this post.

I will say that what you described is very relatable as somebody with DID, and whose alters do very much, like. "Manifest" (??? lmao) in the way you described.

I always thought of my experiences as "hyperfixating on identities." I thought that I was just latching onto specific things that I liked and found cool - like the thought of being a vampire or even a song lyric that I really "vibed" with - and "creating a fake identity surrounding that (thing or things)."

For example, I might find a song lyric I really like and really resonate with, for whatever reason, and I'll end up basically... "Making" my online persona to match this "identity" I thought up in my head.

A certain username I vibed with, an icon to match, and that was my "identity."

To this day, this is still how we, like.. "Work." We resonate more with a username than a name.

Not sure if any of that makes sense, but yeah what you described is relatable, and that's a big way my alters kinda "manifest" even still to this day.

"Can I also ask what do you think of the term monoconscious and polycon what could it mean for someone w that experience?"

I had to search up these terms. I assume polycon means polyconscious?

I don't know. People can use these labels and terms if they want, if they feel they are helpful. I personally don't like it, and wouldn't like it for myself, and wouldn't want people to treat these terms like they are scientific fact. For example, if I tell people about my experiences, I wouldn't want people to start calling me a "monoconscious system" or "polyconscious system" or anything.

I think it's understandable and makes sense why people would want to come up with terms like these. And I don't know if it's hurting anyone, I don't think it is lol? They are just words, just labels/terms people are using. Like they are just words and if somebody sees a term like these that they really like, that they resonate with and feel really describes them, that's really cool for them. I just don't know if I personally like it. And that's fine, I don't have to like it.

I will just say that, as far as I know and someone please correct if I'm wrong, all alters are "separate consciousnesses." There is no "all alters have one, collective consciousness" - the idea of "one consciousness" is a false one. There was specifically a book that talked about this better and I thought that it was "The Stranger in the Mirror", but I couldn't find the section where it discusses this concept, that actually nobody has one, singular, continuous consciousness and our consciousness is always shifting. Again, somebody do please correct me on this if I'm wrong.

Anyways I encourage other people's input on this post if anybody wanted to add anything and/or correct me.

#actuallyosdd #actuallydid #osdd system #did system #my posts #inbox

[tottymatsuno]

Last night I had a big panic attack break down bc i mentally wrote out a giant plot that would have made contextual sense, would have intricately tied together up lots of themes and honestly would have been a great ending for an ongoing overarching plot.

But it involved totty rejecting me and saying he didn't love me and like, I legit freaked out about the possibility bc literally I wrote it and he'd be aware I wrote it, and it was ridiculously meta, and I kept thinking why is it hurting me so much, it's not real

So I spiraled for a long time, none of my normal coping mechs worked either. I was too scared to actually look at him, or like read any of my other works and I started freaking out more because have I written anything where he's just wholly nice and in love with me, or have I been writing him as if he's just tolerating me?

Anyways the whole thing felt stupid, and I felt stupid, and I was already in a cycle of mentally berating myself all night long anyways. It was a bad relapse because I haven't done something like that in years. I haven't just sat down and dissociated enough to tell myself how much I hate myself and the things about me, and I've literally never used him as the vehicle to do it.

I turned on my sunlamps, I got in the bed, I ate candy, I kept telling myself it's summer right now and I'm in the window and everything feels peaceful, I'm safe.

And it didn't work. I just kept crying, and I guess I'm thankful I didn't start hallucinating or having incoherent thoughts, but idk. I didn't know how to reach out to anyone either, it felt like if someone didn't reply within that minute an hour had gone by and they were indirectly telling me how annoying I was.

Which then fueled more self derogatory thoughts. I think I finally snapped out of it by reading other stuff I'd written that wasn't ososan or todo related until I calmed down enough to go to sleep.

I guess I'm writing all of this out rn when I should be getting ready for work and eating breakfast is to say something. I'm not sure what yet. I'm having a lot of issues this winter and I'm positive if I had the mental energy i could put all the pieces together and explain it.

But these days I keep thinking about how much I want to be alone, but how much I care about my friends. I don't want to be alone, I want to hang out with my friends. But I do. It's almost as if they have to live without me, or if there's moments where I can't reach them I'd rather run away. Idk.

I think I just need to go offline for a while.

#open_mouth.exe #Gonna take some independent days of play I think. Turn off notifications.

[celestialmango]

Are you a part of a system? You don't have to answer this btw I'm just curious, the way you talk about muses sounds like alters or headmates, so I was just curious!

This is opening a can of worms, it will be long and might be unsettling to read as much as it is unsettling for me to think about, bad bad, horrible things happened growing up that I won't really get into the details of rn but the answer when it comes to this question?

Honestly? I don't actually know. There's been times where I didn't actually have control of my body that happened a lot as a kid and there were times I was awake during it and times I blacked out and people told me I agreed to things I don't remember agreeing to or did things I didn't remember doing. The times where I was awake it was like I was just watching my body move and wasn't in control of my vocal cords or anything, all I could do was watch.

I remember after a severe mental breakdown and it felt like something inside my chest took a horrible impact and there was the sense something, cracked or fractured inside my head when I was younger I forgot who I was, when people called me my legal name I was always "(lg/n) who's that? Oh they're talking to me? Oh I'm (lg/n)" then I got the sense that (lg/n) wasn't actually me and that (lg/n) was dead, she died when that moment of fracture I was left in their place,.that I was all that was left of what once was.

There were times I would sorta had small blanks in my memory as a kid but I heard that was normal? I don't remember everything that happened as a kid, I have very very few memories of childhood that I can remember and they're always always little slivers or shorts of memory and the rest is blank and no matter how hard I try to remember it's like it's not there, but I was told that memory repression was part of PTSD, some of the really bad things I remember.

Then there's some I had to be told about and while I don't remember the memory, I may sometimes get a vague sense of it and the sensations are, sickening, or There's the cold feeling down my spine that gives me the feeling some horrible happened but I can't remember what it was.

Like I still get blanks sometimes or I speak but I'm not in control of my word, but again that could just be PTSD memory repression and dissociation though right?...

How would I even know that I was? I always thought of the whole muse thing was my imagination having a mind of it's own that I had no control over. My sibling is part of a system. I've seen the switches and they tell me the inside of their head is basically like a dorm, everyone has their own room and sometimes the leave and sometimes they come back.

How would I know if I was? It scares me to think about especially after being told that sometimes I'm not me and I get scared, how would I know? I've had multiple identity crisis points growing up which always sent me into a whirlwind of confusion. The only person I could ask is my sibling, they saw it happen before and they were the one who confirmed a thought I had for the longest time, that sometimes it's like I'm not me, but if I'm not me then who am I?

Sibby is over here rn helping out and I asked them if there are still times where I'm not me. They said yes, for all I know I might be part of a system but in denial about it or it's just memory repression and dissociation. That what I've been told it was after all.

But are they right or are they wrong? I chose to not think about it because it's distressing due to the confusion of it and I start telling myself I'm not that crazy, that it can't be true and it's not real and I get so damn scared because a little part of me is always like "but what if it is?" . Honestly I might just be having another identity crisis again while writing this. I don't know what being part of system is like or maybe I do and I just don't know it.

The crisis is usually "Am I me or did I just replace who was once me? Who am I? What am I? Is any of this real or am I just crazy?" And that crisis has been repeating over and over since I had that breakdown when I was around ten or so.

#mango speaks #mango updates #not noms

[twinkbloodspit]

I'm kind of doing terrible lately :( my chronic illness and pain have been so bad lately and my anxiety has been worse than usual. I can hardly function and I constantly feel like something is "wrong." I feel like I'm not real, I'm dissociating a lot. I'm nauseous everyday I'm in pain everyday I'm always tired. idk why it's getting worse rn but I really hate it :( I was doing so good for a while. it's been worse ever since I got covid/ever since I stopped taking lamictal (both happened around the same time) I had no choice but to stop lamictal tho, I'd been on it as a mood stabilizer for well over a year and my side effects were terrible and never went away or got better :( I also have no appetite at all so I've had a hard time eating which is just making things so much worse. eating food is so important. it was just last month that I was still able to eat all my favorite snacks and now I can't stomach hardly anything, it's making me so sad. I have Dr's appointment coming up next week but honestly my Dr is kinda :/ she just says everything seems normal and I feel like I walk out with no more answers than I walked in with. like for example my heart rate is always really high and my blood pressure is always low. she literally said "it's always like that when you come in so I assume that's just normal for you" but if it's always like that shouldn't we try to figure out the cause ?? plus I can't really get a word in. I feel like she comes in and talks and leaves and the whole thing takes about 3-5 minutes. but options for Dr's are limited due to insurance reasons.

also there might be tornado where I live tonight so um. that's scary :(

#sorry im just venting

[elviratheepic]

Idk if I'll stick with this, but I've been in hospital for over a week now and I can feel my brain turning to mush, so I'm thinking it might be good to post like a journal thingy here. I can just throw my thoughts to the void and if anyone feels like throwing any thoughts back at me, maybe I'll reminded what human interaction is lol

And who knows, maybe some bits and pieces of my experiences rn might be handy to someone who ends up seeing it. This is a weird time for me, maybe someone else around here's having, has had or will have some similar weird times and we'll have made a little connection even if we don't speak :)

I mentioned it briefly in a post on my art blog, but to flesh it out a bit, I've been generally run down and really quite unwell like all summer and now into autumn. Been back and forth to the doctor, told I have chest infections, possible asthma, etc. I get booked in for an xray and then something looks weird so a ct scan, still thinking it's pneumonia with some odd symptoms, then a couple days later I get a call from my doctor telling me i am going to the hospital asap, there's a bunch of fluid in my chest that should not be there and also they need to check for lymphoma. I've never been to hospital for more than an orthodontist appointment and while not as surprised as I could be expected to be by the thought of cancer due to having had a weird anxiety fixation thing on the idea for a while (fun coincidence), it was still a bit of an ordeal lol. This was 10 days ago and I have not been home since. I've been coping pretty well considering the wild lack of control I feel over literally anything rn. The steroids they've got me on rn while I wait for further treatment have me feeling better than I have in a long while, and mentally the worst I've been dealing with is some fairly mild dissociation. Just kind of taking things as they come for now, rolling with things as best I can especially while so many things are kind of a bit up in the air and subject to change.

But I mean drama aside, the current diagnosis for me is pretty good. The cancer as it appears right now is treatable and has a pretty great cure rate. It's a "primary mediastinal large B-cell lymphoma" according to the leaflet I've got. It's high grade, so fast acting and aggressive but that actually makes these easier to get rid of than low grade slower working ones. It's hanging out next to my heart so that's the reason I've had all these bullshit symptoms in my chest cuz it's just been fuckin shit up in there and irritating its roommates. They've got me booked in for a pet scan day after tomorrow cuz the scanner was having issues so they couldn't get me in sooner, then the plan is to start chemotherapy the next day. Which will be an experience. The treatment plan we've basically already decided is 6 21-day cycles of chemo where I'll be in hospital for about 5 days getting monitored and adjusted treatment, then going home for the rest and coming back to start the cycle again. It's not going to be the most fun and easy experience of my life but tbh I've done hard things before and I know I'm capable of doing this. Not that this kind of thing can ever really come at a "good" time, but I think that personally I'm pretty lucky this came along at the point in my life it did. I've been able to spend the last couple years basically building myself back up from feeling entirely lost, shattered and directionless after a pretty traumatic attempt at university durring covid lockdowns. I'm maybe lacking in some life experience people my age tend to have, but ultimately I have confidence, strength and self-awareness now that I do not take for granted. Basically I got the chance to reinforce my foundations in unkowing preparation for this whole thing. Honestly, I'm kind of just curious who I'll be on the other side of this experience - wherever that may be.

My main concern has been my siblings. I'm the oldest of 3 and we're all very close, spend a lot of time together and are at the core of eachothers' support systems. One of them's got college stress and deadlines, the other's out of school with anxiety issues rn, and my instinct is to be there as a support. And of course they would be supporting me too, it's not all give, they're amazing at being there for me too especially while I've been unwell (I love them so so much and I'm proud of everything they do can you tell lol). But while they have been visiting when they can, we don't get so much time together rn with me being in hospital and I feel like it's hard to get a gauge on how things really are with eachother at the moment which is rough with there being so much change going on rn. I know we'll figure things out, but I can't help worrying about them a bit, I feel like it's kind of my job lol

Oof can you tell it's getting late and my brain's going sleepy ramble mode? Idk if I'm even making much sense but hey

The ward I've been moved to for this is good. It's a cancer ward for teens and young adults with a common room area funded by the teenage cancer trust. There's guitars, a ps4, craft supplies and free snacks. It feels so weird that like that space is for me to use, like I'm kinda tresspassing on something for people who need it more than I do. But the ward's fairly quiet and not so busy at the moment, so when my siblings and briefly my friend came to visit me today, we basically had free reign of the space without having to disturb anyone. I feel more comfortable in there than I did, and I think it's a good space for my siblings to be when they come visit. I'm really greatful they get to use it with me - even if I feel kind of like others deserve the space more (ik im being silly), seeing them get good use and some fun out of it today was good and reassuring. It's reassuring to hear people talking about there being support systems for siblings too should they need them. Especially when it feels like I can't look out for them so much in the ways I normally would.

But yeah, I think that's about all that's in my brain for right now. I'll look back on this tomorrow and realise none of this actually made any sense lol

But yeah basically got thrown a bit of a curveball lately as life tends to do, but there's answers now where there wasn't before, and the path ahead's starting to make itself visible. It sucks, but I've been worse. I'm not just saying that for the sake of offsetting the fact that it sucks, I'm just taking the the little wins where i can cuz I know that's gotten me through plenty rough and sucky times before.

Some little wins:

Woke up to magpies outside the window this morning. One came right up to the glass to say hi, but I couldn't snap a picture in time lol <3

My friend brought me a rainbow sensory slug companion, and I made a pipecleaner creature named Spigley while my siblings were here. They are friends and will be my chemo companions :)

(Idk if that's a mouth or a moustache but i think it suits him either way)

#elv talks #long post #chemo chronicles #i guess lol #cancer tw #hospital tw #ask to tag

[microcosmiclymbic]

Reasons #1-26 Why I am fighting for my physical and mental recovery:

1. Because my functional abilities have a lot of room for improvement. I can gain more access to the world so it would be silly not to

2. There are others with less access to personal freedom and they deserve my advocacy and I don't have spoons for that work right now

3. I want to actually play a game AND finish it AND enjoy it the whole way through

4. I don't want to remain so dependent on people or systems of power that aren't good for me. Especially not without a voice to advocate for myself

5. I want to travel AND by myself AND not get burnt out by the break in routine

6. I want to hike the Appalachian trail

7. I want to be able to fund people's crowdfunding campaigns

8. I want to become a really good Foster Parent. So I wanna be qualified to handle the kid's needs AND be capable of supporting them even after they leave AND have the capacity to adopt if needed AND support the parents/kids for reunification if ever desired and.... all that is a lot. I can't even take care of a dog rn. But I can learn and grow and gain the skills I need.

9. I need to divest. Which means I have to be brave enough to face the hard stuff AND kind enough to forgive mistakes AND disciplined enough to follow through with change even when it gets tough AND honest with myself when I'm doing wrong AND strong enough to stand against others AND.....

10. I need the spoons to build more spoons

11. I want to help build a self sufficient urban community as a safe haven for the disabled & divergent. So I want to be capable of managing a homestead AND solving complex accessibility puzzles AND raising funding

12. I want to playfully wrestle my lover

13. I want to enjoy sex. To laugh, gasp, be untriggered, unrushed. To experience new depths and new understanding

14. I'm curious about who I can become. Who I am for that matter

15. I don't want to ever harm anyone else again. And when I do I want to be capable of recognizing it. And when I don't I want to be able to listen when someone tells me I did wrong. No matter what I want to be capable of repairing the harm I have done. I want to end cycles

16. I want to gain health certifications. Personal training. Massage Therapy. Physical Therapy Assistant. Nutritionist. Nursing. I want to never stop gaining credentials that will inform and improve my ability to help others

17. I want to learn to prioritize my own needs. To never wonder if my cup is half full or half empty because I know I've already done what I need to fill it. I want to set a boundary the moment I notice discomfort and to do it with love.

18. I want to learn how to dance. To intimately know the boundaries of my body. To be in such close relationship with it that I have fluid access to movements that are enjoyable to me.

19. I want to go to a theme park without worrying about accessibility. Because I'm already experienced with all my needs and prepared to have them accommodated

20. I want to be able to cuddle for more than a few minutes

21. I want to be a good friend. To maintain a healthy friendship with boundaries, emotional intimacy, trust, communication, growth, joy. To build a container capable of holding every part of us.

22. I want to be a qualified crisis supporter for respite. Capable of holding space for someone in the midst of a mental crisis free from any carceral "support."

23. I have unique skills that deserve to be witnessed. Skills that are both known and unknown to me.

24. I'm honestly tired of being dissociated so dang much. I want to be present all the time. I want to notice the little things and feel grateful for them

25. I want to feel connected to other humans. I don't like feeling so deeply misunderstood and alone. And I know the connection needs to grow from me.

26. I want to be a vagabond like the crusty kids who came through with stories galore back when I was a sad little homebum. I wanna catch trains, hitch rides and yearn under a different bridge every week

#Recovery #healing journey #because I need some personal reminders for bad days #fibromyalgia #ptsd #recovery toolbox

[crashcitycentral]

Bart has DID theory

Aha this is a long one... Adding onto my post a little bit ago cause I was on the train and didn't have enough rant energy-

Bart has eidetic memory, or Hyperthymesia, or photographic memory, whatever works for you. He remembers everything he's ever read, seen, or heard, but in some of the comic strips, it's him being confused about a certain series or event that happened, like he didn't recall it almost, which is almost impossible due to his advanced memory. One of the most common symptoms of Dissociative Identity Disorder is memory gaps when in a different personality. You have no idea how excited I am about this cause I have DID and positive representation, yes please. When I find the comic strips I'm talking about I'll repost and add them in but I'm on a rampage rn. Not even sorry.

Bart is known to have mood swings throughout the entire Impulse series, where he gets grumpy or pouty, things like that, but that childish nature could actually be a personality. He could feel robbed of his childhood since he couldn't "live it" due to his situation growing up, so he creates an entire persona to live like a child in his teenage body. Everyone always brushes it off to him being "a speedster", and the fact that he is ALSO supposed to represent a character with Autism and his ADHD plus ADD, it all kinda adds up, because he switches into this person sometimes that's sarcastic and has a more bleak outlook. He still is always there for his friends, even if they underappreciate the HECK out of him, but it wouldn't make sense in the sense that he's silly only because of his Hyper-changing Autism. AUTISM ISN'T A PERSONALITY PEOPLE. Honestly? The excuse that it's because he's a speedster doesn't add up either. Being a speedster can make him bored easily and he has a hyperglycemia diet where he has to eat full meals every two hours, but it doesn't explain why he so suddenly shifts into entirely new moods. being moody is one thing, but being Bart is a whole new can of worm on strings.

I think one of the biggest things to show this is when Jerico shot his knee using the body of Deathstroke. Before the incident, he never wanted to take up Wally's mantle because he thought it was disrespectful and he didn't deserve it, but after he was shot he took no hesitation in taking up the suit. That entire comic screwed me over because: 1, no one touches my baby Bart. 2, everyone was so rude to him like 24/7?? To BART of all people. 3, that gunshot would've done a LOT more damage then what they diagnosed him. A SHOTGUN was TWO INCHES from his knee and blast him from that space and they gave him a prosthetic kneecap? Excuse me, there'd be nothing LEFT to ATTATCH IT TO, but that's a rant for another time. What I'm getting at here is he wanted to exact his revenge on Jerico, which is typical, I would too if someone capped my knee. But he read the ENTIRE SAN FRANSICO LIBRARY IN ONE SITTING!! Bart, who HATES sitting in one place reading anything that isn't a comic read an entire LIBARAY and not some normal one, this one was MASSIVE. He learned everything about the human nervous system and used it against Slade to his advantage, before it was revealed it was actually Jerico.

SO, he took on the Kid FLash mantle, something he said he wouldn't do. He read an entire library in one sitting, something he wouldn't noramlly do. He became incredibly serious about his mission, something he normally isn't. His kid Flash persona is not him. His trauma from the experience added with his stress must've forced a new one to form, since he already Had his "Impulse" persona it was easy.

Bart Allen has DID and no one can change my mind.

#Bart Allen #Impulse #Kid Flash II #Autism #ADD #ADHD #DID #DC comics #DCAU #DC #Allen #Bartholomew Henry Allen II #i love him

[justanotherstardrop]

That's okay! You guys should be able to talk about things when you're comfortable with it. That's understandable too. It's always hard not knowing and worrying about if someone believes you.

That's awesome though! I'm so proud of you guys for being able to fuse the Shanes together! It takes a lot of hard work and time! Here's a medal for you guys! 🏅 So proud of you guys!

Y'all are welcome! Positivity is always nice to give to others! ✨✨ thank you guys for the positive energy as well! I'll give you some more with my magical powers ooo 🪄🪄🧙🏼‍♀️

Lots of good vibes for you guys and anyone who happens to see this!

Of course! I love love love supporting others! I will do my best to support you guys! You guys are very kind too. ( ≧‿≦)

I struggle with that too :P it's hard not to doubt if you're faking or not, but if you have to think about if you're faking or not, then you're not faking! You guys are valid and I believe you guys are a real system. You guys are real.

It really does hurt when people do that. It's hard when people don't believe you or pretend they do. I wish more people would take the mentally ill seriously. And that's okay! Me too. I always doubt it when someone says they believe me, but it's okay to want confirmation!!

Ohh wings! Those are cool too!

Thanks for the emotion wheels! I found one I liked, but these are good too! I'll make sure to use them!

It's okay! I don't mind late replies. It's okay to take your time with things! Sometimes things get busy or you just don't have the energy and that's okay! I'm glad the mania ended!

Hospitals are low key terrifying. I've heard too many stories of what happened in them to feel comfortable when going in them anymore. That's a lot of times. I can see why it was hard. It must have sucked really really bad going that many times. Here's a flower, because you guys deserve an award for getting through all that. 🌹

And yay! I'm glad I'm able to do something, even if not much. And of course! I do my best.

I'm glad you guys are feeling okay! I honestly get that too. It's normal to feel skeptical when you don't feel bad I think. I'm glad Magenta isn't manic anymore too!

I'm doing pretty okay I think. Weird but alright I think. How are you guys doing?

-🌺

hellooo we're blurry rn but we thought wed reply now hello 🌺 anon

thank you we appreciate it! we'd love to get to know you. ask us any questions youd like! can we ask you one? whats your fav colour? and fav season?

yes were happy the Shane(s) are now one and they feel a bit "whole". it look 2 months but we did it.

thanks for the magic and the vibes! were sending you good vibes too! some of us do magic in headspace but we haven't done a full spell in a while IRL lol..

that you for your supoort. were here for you too. it means a lot to us. we try to believe in our system but its hard and comes with the tetoritory apparently thinking your faking, imposter syndrome, etc. but we're trying!

yes tails and wings for most of us. its weird haha. we feel like some limbs should be gone but thats a whole other mental health issue that some alters struggle with that were gonna work on to fix. we may explain one day wdk its kinds personal maybe another alter whos dealing with it would like to talk about it. Shane, Faith and Star are the main ones we know about. BIID.

ahh were glad we hope it helps you identify your emotions. they dont always work but they help you think.

thank you. and we you dont mind we skipped some answers cause we either forgot or couldnt keep that line in convo going .. hope thats ok

lowkey? its highkey terrifying . hospitals are tough. we dont like to talk about it much. we try not to think about it. but its okay. we hope we dont go back.. but we can see ourselves crashinh soon and were scared about that. thank you fof the flower heres one of you 🌼

were glad youre doing okay. how are you know? we feel dissociative, sad, anxious, and tired and in pain.. chronic mental and physical illness is tiring and sucks.. were blurry rn. were trying to disract ourselves with a baking show. wanna draw but too tired. >.< daydreaming on and off. a positive caregiving paracosm.. visualizing caretakers giving support to the littles/middles/bigs that need it. daydreaming together is easier blurried but its a mess haha... anyways how are you? nicd convo with you we love gettinh your asks - Blurry

#asks #🌺 anon #shane #shanes

[getallemeralds]

So, I have a character who is a system, and I wanted to know before I develop them further, how does DID work, from a personal account? I really really really don't want to accidentally create yet another TOXIC misinterpretation of a real condition (because I know how horrible that can feel), and I hope I'm not saying anything wrong even now. (P.S. I love your blog, but I'm too shy to come off anon.)

hey anon!! it means a LOT to me that you sent this message :D theres a lot of really messy-bad potrayals of DID in the media so seeing people actually going to the effort of asking systems abt their experiences is really heartwarming for us. (plus the fact that ppl keep asking us in specific abt system stuff omg,,)

im gonna preface this by saying that, in the end, i can only really talk about my own experiences with full confidence. systems can work pretty differently from each other, but this is how we function and also some details ive noticed from system friends + general discussion over the years

so, to start off: Dissociative Identity Disorder is, at its core, your brain trying to respond to trauma in a pretty severe way. that being said there ARE systems that didnt experience severe trauma and still developed, and im not really sure about the mechanics behind that but i find it really cool and it totally exists. im gonna focus on trauma-based systems bc that’s our ~tragic backstory~ and also tends to be what most people opt for when creating system characters anyway, but the only real difference from what i can tell is, uh, a lack of trauma.

I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR ME TO SAY THE WORD “TRAUMA” A WHOLE LOT JFC

(system friends are welcome to reblog with corrections or added info!!)

anyway. the way your brain responds to things is really weird. if something happens where you’re just, like, completely unable to handle it, like you dissociate yourself so hard because there’s no way you can manage this, your brain has a chance of going “uh… well, fuck, uh” and generating somebody who can manage it. or it might decide to be a dick and take all of the fucky internalized garbage and turn it into a person whose sole existence is to be an asshole. (they have the potential to get better, i think… ours didnt.) honestly theres a bunch of reasons and a bunch of “roles” that could lead to an alter/headmate* forming.

* we use the terms interchangeably depending on mood and whos fronting. i think its supposed to be “alter” is DID, “headmate” is implication that theyre non-traumatic? we like using “headmate” because it brings this fun mental image of us being a bunch of roommates constantly starting shit with each other and goofing off which is pretty accurate about 75% of the time

i keep getting distracted bc my cat is here. this is gonna be fun to go back and edit.

whatever the original situation is, you’re suddenly not alone in your own brain. and it’s REALLY WEIRD. communication was VERY hard. Icarus, our system original, used to do a very “cliche” thing of sharing a journal with their early headmates, where theyd write a sentence and then theyd write a reply (although back then they didnt realize that was a system-related thing and just thought they were having a fun conversation with their ocs. which… they were, just. Actually Talking.) they didnt have any inward perception of themself or their headmates either, so that kinda built up over time (with some help) along with the appearance of our headspace so that there was… actually a location for people to interact in. once they had a better awareness of things, mental communication got a bit easier– its sort of like background chatter really, when everybody’s awake. sometimes i get weird out of context things from Mae yelling at somebody, or sometimes ill be talking to a friend and someone’ll butt in.

when talking out loud, this usually leads to us suddenly stopping and then laughing or going “no!!!”. when on discord and around people who know who we are… well.

speaking of Mae, she’s pretty much my sister. not like… biologically? because i don’t think thats possible for me, but shes kinda literally my “other half” which ill get into later. headmates can have strong attachments to other alters! friends, best friends, family, dating, whatever. they can also do that with people outside the system, and itll be different for each headmate. there’s like 4 people dating Jorb but i just see him as one of my best friends. we’re people and we have complex social interactions that can get to be kind of a nightmare when you’re around a bunch of people who don’t know that you’re Not Leo and that youre suddenly not super up to existing around people in general.

plus even if like… so Jorb’s dating 4 of us like i said, but his relationship w/ each of them is different? Ica is very clingy and likes rambling to him, Summer’s pretty much just always happy to hang out, Mae makes fun of him a lot but in a loving way, and Leo is… kinda “all of the above” because that’s his gimmick. plus even tho a few other alters have a sibling-ish relationship with Mae like i do, usually its just me and Mae that do the “chaos siblings” bit.

the basic system.. thing… is that there’s “front”, which is being in control of the body– so, like, i’m currently fronting/in front, because im the one currently active and using our computer and staring at our cat.– and then theres the headspace, where everybody hangs out when theyre not in front. the headspace itself can differ in style & functionality for each system, and i think theres some systems that dont really have a location at all? but for us its like a full on location where we have individual rooms, places to visit if we get bored while away from front, etc.

theres also like, being at/near/away from front? so currently im in front, but Leo is pretty much always lurking nearby if he’s awake (we have individual sleep schedules that dont always sync up to the “irl” one, Trust is almost always sleeping), Ica’s somewhat in the back talking to Rookie so i cant really make out what theyre saying (its probably about either a youtube thing they both like or about a comic they want to do), and everyone else is either asleep (in which case they could be nearby but i cant currently “ping” them, so id have to actually take a sec to ground myself in headspace more) or in a different room. communication is easier if im in front and somebody is nearby, or it can be like with Ica rn where im like “well, theyre talking, but i have no idea what theyre saying and am making a guess based off their usual interactions”, or i could pass off front to go talk to Ica and come back (in which case my memory would be kind of vague and weird because information doesnt always properly translate), oooor i could actually go bug them while still in front. which.. im not gonna do rn bc then id get super distracted.

switching front differs between systems a lot! and even varies from day to day. like there are days where we wake up and we have absolutely no idea who we are bc we went to bed as one person and woke up as another. or we could be talking to somebody and then realize “wait, i stopped being Leo a bit ago, who am i”. or we could pass off front to somebody, like if Summer really wanted to front sie’d run up to me and let me know and we’d swap. or if something critical happens (usually a breakdown), Leo or one of the other headmates that’re more built to handle stressful situations will literally drag somebody out of front to make sure they dont hurt themself. or sometimes we throw front at people unexpectedly, like either mid-breakdown where we go “okay i dont wanna be here anymore, tag youre it” or sometimes because we think its funny because its the metaphysical equivalent of getting clonked in the head with a dodgeball, except the dodgeball is “being in control of our shared physical form”. usually mae’s the one that does that lmao

there’s a couple major categories of how alters come about. there’s “walk-ins”, where they kinda just… appear externally? like they just show up. sometimes we get a feeling of “huh. i think somebody might be here? or somebody might be showing up soon.” and have to rummage around for a while until they approach us or we find them. our walk-ins aren’t like, inherently aware of system stuff at first, so they usually get a crash course before they first front (if they choose to front at all) and it can be kinda entertaining. Rookie’s a walk-in! also Hiro, from a couple years ago. most of our walk-ins are fictives (fictional characters, usually appearing in response to us getting extremely attached to something or somebody) but a couple of our trauma splits are also fictives so that’s not like, a Rule or anything. i think these are mostly associated with non-traumatic systems but we get em fairly often so man idk

theres also… uh, i dunno what theyre actually called? we used to call them “constructs” but that sounds kind of mean. these alters exist to fill a specific role! and we usually dont talk about them on here with the exception of one major one, they just kinda hang out. Dhe exists to keep the system stable and manages the “backend” so to speak. Imp is kind of a mix of our intrusive & impulsive thoughts that came about from us trying to separate ourself from them so that we had an imaginary entity to go “nope!” at, which… stopped being imaginary, and is now a gremlin that lives in my brain. they can show up in response to trauma but arent split off of somebody, they kinda just pop into existence to help manage things.

the more… well-known, i guess? alter origin is “trauma splits”. rather than “just showing up one day with no real connection to the system origins”, trauma splits are formed when somebody in-system, uh, splits. it could be in response to a single situation or something built up over a long time, but somebody just kinda breaks and somebody new that has a bit of the original alter’s identity (if kinda influenced by the situation) shows up.

this can vary. All is a trauma split off of Leo himself, who got saddled with all of our brain hell about our ex and their insystem appearance is influenced more by eir than by leo which is… something they struggle with. Mae has a trauma split from a similar situation that is “Mae but from 2 years ago”, so basically her old identity before she reworked herself after getting put through total hell. and then uh… then there’s me and Mae! Icarus quite literally exploded into several people, with Pat (me) and Mae being the most distinct ones. we’re STILL finding out alters used to originally be a part of them that later evolved into their own people, like Summer and Toby. my identity is shaped pretty heavily not just by who Ica was at time of splitting, but also what they wanted to be jumbled together with trying to rationalize what was happening to them (they’re a pretty big fan of megaman star force, which has a media-typical system in it, so they leaned into hard “its like pat and rey from mmsf! i like pat, i wouldnt mind being like pat, its scary but im like one of my current favourite characters” and so i ended up being like, half-weird shapeshifter, half-green-haired prettyboy. and yeah thats where my name comes from!)

(Ica got put back together w/o anybody needing to integrate, which we were all very scared about, and it’s still kind of surreal to me because… me and Mae used to be able to stick ourself back together and thats how we found out about what happened to Ica in the first place? and we havent tried that since bc we have no idea what would happen. Ica 2: Ica Harder?)

despite their origins, trauma splits can be way more than… being a split. :V;; Toby’s not just a tiny splinter of Ica, he’s a quiet guy that gets stressed out and isn’t totally sure how to interact with people. i’ve existed for like 7 years at minimum and im a totally different person than i was when i thought i was still Ica, ‘cause ive had time to grow and change (and a problem Ica keeps running into now that theyre back is… they kinda Didn’t change because they were MIA for 6 years.) like everything else though this is variable– there can be “temporary” splits that dont develop properly and might get integrated back in, which has only happened to us when we were at the lowest point in our life where we were stuck constantly splitting to try and cope with whatever the hell was going on.

so Ica was gone for 6 years, which meant our system was without an original or main– there wasn’t anybody to be head of the system, basically. for a while i was operating under the assumption that i was Ica, so i filled in that role for a few years before i made the realization. eventually i kinda… stopped being able to, though, bc of stability issues, and then we were back to not really having a proper main anymore. to make up for it, we started going by Leo collectively and kinda… trying to pretend to be a single person? and so that ended up creating a construct to fill the role of “system main and the person we pretend to be when passing as singlet/not a system”: Leo himself! he’s kinda the most prominent traits we all have in common rolled into a single guy, which means that not only is he a pretty good system representative but we can also pretend to be him pretty easily (unless it’s someone like Toby who acts totally different). i dont know how common this situation is, i think normally it’s just “if system original is gone, another alter steps up” like originally happened to us before i had a severe case of problems disorder.

uhhh this is very rambley bc there’s a Lot to cover and now im trying to figure out how much of it i HAVE covered. systems are complicated and weird! OH WAIT okay i have one last bit.

so like, for us, first realizing we were a system was total hell. we fought a lot. as more alters showed up through various means, there were times where Ica felt like they were completely out of control of their own life bc of having to manage everything. there were a lot of panic attacks of people fronting and not being sure they were even REAL, despite… being in front. but we still felt like we were deluding ourself. this was in, like, late 2011, so systems weren’t a THING. they were a very fringe community that everyone hated. we got constantly harassed, which only fed into Ica’s panic hell and our identity issues. interpersonal relationships became a nightmare, especially because we have BPD as well which varies in severity for each of us but… for me it’s pretty bad! there were times early on where every day was another fun new breakdown from us arguing with each other or our friends or not being understood or… etc.

so… how are we holding up ~7 and a half years later? pretty well, actually! we talk to each other. we do things for each other, like buy food or games we know specific headmates like. Ica is back and way happier than they were in 2011, and is thrilled to get to hang out with everybody that’s showed up since. we help each other through problems, because at the end of the day our system ended up being a support network. Ica couldnt function on their own, so we’re like… 10+ people working together to try and be a single functional person. and we feel pretty okay with that! we still fight, and we still start shit, but we’re not in constant crisis anymore. we’re still working through all of our trauma, especially the more “recent” stuff that kinda broke our system for a while until we were able to start rebuilding, but we’re doing it together. :D

so… yeah, it can start out as a stereotypical “nightmare system”, with constant infighting and toxicity and self-sabotage and etc. but we worked through it! it took a while, but we’re overall more stable than we were before. we got out of the bad environment that was fucking us up, we got mental help for our other brain hell (we havent been able to bring up the system to our therapists bc its literally a non-issue now and we focus more on other things like our depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc), we found people that support us for being us, and we were able to like… figure things out. and it was a mess! i still have issues about my own identity because of literally thinking i was someone else for two years. Ica’s still trying to figure out how to adjust to things, especially bc they missed our entire “cringe culture” phase so they came back to find that i’d dismantled a lot of their middle-school settings. and, uh, some of their friendships as well.

systems are fuckin weird

#leo chirps #leos reply #system shit #i dont think i covered EVERYTHING #and im not sure how coherent this is #but i tried! :D #Anonymous #ask #pat.txt

[creepypocky]

Hiiii! May I have a match-up please? One who is my lover and a best friend one? Thank you!

My sun sign is pisces. My moon is Sagittarius. And my rising is virgo!

I'm a intj my personality is mostly independent, blunt, bold, and chaotic

Im somewhat shy at times definitely when im in love with someone but im also not experienced being in love like tbh its awkward for me but I try to shove it away. Im really kind and a passionate with certain things, im really psychic and it really scares me tbh but I can handle it.

My sense of style is kinda walk it changes every so often bc of my mood but my main style is vamp or romantic goth! I wear rings, jewelry, and some makeup to go with it!

My most favorite animals are bunnies, frogs, lizards, raccoons!! Maybe sharks too? Idk they seem cute & cool to me

My sexuality is so confusing rn but im gonna put myself as biromantic asexual!

Im very picky with my partners of course they don't have to be perfect but im only picky with the way their attitude and actions are! Im a classy type of gal to be respected and not treated like a toy.

I suffer from c-ptsd, major depression, ged anxiety, ocd, anemia and dissociation. I also have allergy asthma ;-; its sucks man but ill fine <33

My hobbies are playing video games, listening to music outside, doing art when I have motivation.

For date ideals are going to the arcade, going outside and looking at the stars, spending time together, watching movies, and going out to party!

Also thank you very much when you get the time to do this I really appreciate the time and effort you put into yout writing! <33

Alright, just woke up and I'm gonna work on this ASAP since I put it off last night, I don't want to be too tired to give you a good post!

Before I get into the matchup, just wanted to say I'm terribly sorry you're going through those health issues both mental and physical. I whole heartedly hope you recover from them soon! Take care of yourself honey!

~~~

|| I match you with: Hoodie! ||

Hoodie is also pretty independent and blunt, he’s a very quiet guy obviously but it’s not because he’s shy it’s mostly because he doesn’t like people. Regardless though, he doesn’t take disrespect from people and he will be blunt with them.

He loves how bold you are, it attracts him a lot along with your independence. I feel like you two are really compatible since he’s just naturally attracted to you without even noticing at times.

When you two get into a relationship, he also shares that kind of shy feeling since he’s in no way whatsoever experienced when it comes to love. But he’ll definitely try his best to make sure you’re always comfortable and will be as slow and chill with you as you need him to be. Remember, this should be a mutual thing.

You a psychic? He’s interested. Tell him all of your predictions hon he’ll spend hours just listening to you go on and on.

He’s honestly pretty indifferent about styles but he thinks yours is cool, he loves seeing you dress up into goth outfits and see how they compliment your form.

Hoodie really loves nature so he also loves going deep into the woods, which means he gets to see all kinds of animals. He’s more than willing to bring you with him to see all the animals you like and see if you two can even get one. He’s... not so sure about sharks. He thinks they’re cool, though.

Don’t even worry, this man always respects you, until you do something shitty to him, that is. But, you’re his and he wants to show you he appreciates you. If anyone ever treats you with disrespect he’s always there to back you up.

This is very important; he is there for you when you’re suffering from those mental illnesses, whether it be to give you advice, calm you down, or just simply listen to you rant to him. He wants you to understand you’re not alone in any way and will always slowly help you get back on your feet. If you’re suffering from an asthma attack, there he’ll be watching over you and helping. Just please make sure to show that contribution back bc pls he’s going through stuff aswell this man is super pent up.

He’s not much of a video game guy but he’ll watch you play, maybe even play with you if you teach him how. Teaching him is kind of funny though tbh because he acts like an old man and doesn’t even understand what the game is even if he watches you play it for hours, lmfaooo.

He does love listening to music though, he likes to listen to music with shared earbuds as you walk in the woods together hand-in-hand. Pls let him watch you do art and show him, he loves watching you work. He finds it super interesting especially since it’s you doing the art. I also canon that he’s trying to learn how to do art and get better at it.

He will 100000000x look at the stars with you babe, you two constantly go out at night and cuddle under a tree just to look at the stars in silence. It’s one of his most favorite things to do with you.

He’s honestly not the best at going into public to do arcades or parties, but he’s willing to try and go out of his comfort zone for you if you ever want to go to them. Pls he just wants to see that smile on your face and have fun with you.

Best friend:

||I match you with: Clockwork! ||

This woman is also blunt and bold, so the two of you make a pretty good pair. She’s very caring once you get to know her and tbh she’s a bit of a mom friend towards you. She’s always checking up on you and making sure you’re doing okay and if you’re not, trust me she gonna coddle you till you feel better.

I canon that she has a bunny so when you two hang she brings him with her and lets you play with him and it’s super wholesome like fjhgjkg. She’ll probably kidnap some frogs for you too so the both of you can mess with them together.

Honey, as long as you respect her she will respect you back. In fact you’re one of the people she respects the most in her life because she loves how strong and kind you are as a person!

If you’re suffering because of your mental illnesses, she’s your go to for advice and/or emotional support. She loves you platonically too much to just let you suffer alone so she’s always by your side and helps you get back up on your feet.

She doesn’t know many games but she’ll play Minecraft and Mario Kart with you from time to time. Honestly sometimes she’ll just call Ben into the room to play some games with you instead of her because she’ll feel like she’s boring to play games with unless you reassure her.

She loves doing art though and seeing your works, she loves to paint and share art ideas with you. She’ll be your main person who gives you motivation to keep doing art and will give you constructive criticism on how to improve.

All in all, she’s a bit blunt and rude at first but is actually extremely caring for you and she’s like one of the most wholesome people to be besties with.

~~~

I hope you enjoyed this matchup hon, as I said earlier, take good care of yourself please. I hope you have an amazing day/night.

Also, thank you so much. <3 I try to put as much effort as I can into my writing even when it’s not the best.

#creepypasta #fluff #creepypasta fluff #hoodie #clockwork #creepypasta clockwork #brian thomas #matchup #creepypasta matchups #creepypasta hoodie #anon ask

[humandefect]

fuck!!!!

#a lot happened today and it's weird #I've honestly been out of it for most of the day #like hardcore dissociating™ #and this whole week has been a #an absolutely horrible mental health week #looking back on it I'm surprised I've done this good this week #I was so fuckin out of it wtf #and I had a p serious talk w someone earlier but I don't remember it at all #it's weird #and I haven't been eating much this week bc whenever I start to eat something I feel all nauseous and my stomach starts to hurt #and then my head hurts bc I don't eat #I'm pretty mentally fuckwd up rn so if this is read by anyone I interact with im sorry #Megan talks

[waynonna]

I'm not sure but I think I might have BPD, until I can talk to my doctor about it do you have any advice on how I might have a clearer understanding whether or not I do have it, like smaller symptoms, tells, etc. Thank you

hey anon! this is quite a lot, but i hope it helps

ok so, i know some people say “oh, just google” but tbh i dont trust google for this because

1. most stuff you’ll find are related to “how to deal with a borderline relative/partner/friend” and not enough about how to make the people with bpd feel better and

2. most articles and stuff talk about the major symptoms, but not everybody experiences the same thing, and some people have a milder disorder than others. as for the smaller symptoms, it’s harder to find stuff on

tbh when i started looking up bpd (in august last year) before talking about it with my doctor, i was really frustrated, cuz not only did those make me feel bad and abusive, but they didn’t give me information.

what helped me a lot was really trying to pay attention to my emotions, my mood changes. because a lot of doctors get bpd mixed up with bipolar disorder, it’s good for us to evaluate this too. one thing that i was told that’s different between both is that in bipolar disorder the mood changes can last for days, while in bpd they’re usually (but not always) in small intervals. sometimes it even lasts for a few minutes. 

one thing that might really help not only with anger/sadness/etc relief, but also with understanding those symptoms is writing a journal. doesn’t even need to be anything extensive, just something small about what youre feeling will help. and then when you gather all of that, you can analyse it.

now, as i said bpd is often different for different people. what i’m mentioning is mostly my own experience and what signs helped me realize i have bpd and talk to my doctor about it:

- an intense fear of being abandoned. i have a really big history of going into really deep depression after a breakup, being it romantic or not. any thought of being alone completely breaks me. which brings me to the jealousy. in my case, it isnt really a vengeful kind of jealousy, but more sad and angry, because that person who i idolize “is leaving me” or at least that’s what it looks like to me. that reminds me of when i was 16, and idolized my math teacher. she was helping me through my depression and ocd, and was amazing. then every single time i would see her talking to another student i would get really upset, have panic attacks, cry, and just want to interfere and stop it. i didnt know why, but somehow i had to be the only one she liked. once a friend of mine was talking to her about me and i had a major episode, because i Had to know if she was talking shit about me i just Had To.

- i tend to abandon everyone else, unconsciously, whenever i idolize someone. usually everything i do or want to do is related to that person. but then out of nowhere they make me hate them for a day or so, and then i love them again.

- impulsive behavior is a really big sign too. in my case, it was never anything like spending too much money, eating too much, having lots of sex, etc. mine were always unnoticed by me, actually, until i started thinking about it. since i was a kid, i always started a sport, dance, any class, and would drop after a month or so. ive tried literally everything the school had to offer, and every time it would get less exciting or id get sad, id drop it. when i was 10, i was attending an english language course, and we had an exam after just a week of classes. within a minute of the start of the exam, i started crying and asking to leave. the coordinator came and talked to me, telling me it would be ok to do it, but i didnt care. so i cried so much they had to call my mom. and i dropped it. now, in 2015, i started an architecture program at uni. it was fine at first, but then i had a major breakdown due to a person, and i decided to drop everything. so no more architecture. then i tried engineering. 1 month, something happened, i had a suicide attempt, ended up at the hospital, dropped the program. so pay attention to these behaviors, even if they seem normal to you. mine seemed like it because i justified it saying that i was just looking for “my calling”, but nothing would ever be that calling, because i wouldnt let it.

- overwhelming emotions, everything being exaggerated. always black or white, never gray. it you love it, you idolize it. if you dislike it, you hate it with everything in you. not only with people and things, but also ideas. and you cant understand neutrality. when someone is neutral with you, even if not being negative, it is like an insult anyway, and you lose it. and these are emotions that are terribly hard to control. you want to control them, but you cant. you try, but it’s never enough. and no one understands why youre freaking out over something as simple as dropping your ice cream, or getting your hair wet. small things like these have an enormous effect on people with bpd. and people always say “youre overreacting!” but honestly, not really. we feel that way. it may not be a big deal to them, but to us it feels like a stake to the heart.

- but also feelings of numbness. it took me a long time to realize i have this, because i honestly thought it was normal, everybody had it. and for a while related it to being sad (maybe theres 2 types of sad, feeling too more and not at all?). i usually describe it as feeling like im in a movie, like i know people and things are there and i can see and touch them, but i cant feel them. like im putting my hands in ice cold water, and i know its cold but i cant feel the cold. like i know the world exists but does it really? most of the time, when im not dissociating, i dont even remember what it feels like, because it feels like nothing.

- trouble expressing feelings and thoughts. idk if many people have this, but i have it quite often. somehow i cant put to words what is really going on with me and even when i do, people dont usually understand it.

- indecisiveness. seriously, i cant even decide what underwear to wear. i say i cant, because it’s not like i don’t want to, it just takes the whole of me to make a decision. whether it is a big one (lately ive been struggling with deciding where to go for my exchange program) or a small one (what to eat for dinner), it’s always a huge fight in my head, and most times it expresses itself in terrible ways. every time im faced with a choice, i end up crying, panicking, and most times decide to give up and not choose anything at all. sometimes i cant even choose to give up, i just lay there crying and screaming and hating everything. it’s a nightmare.

- a lot of anger when things dont go as expected, or when feeling abandoned, as well as extreme fear, and not being able to trust easily. but a lot of times being very kind too.

im trying to think of something else but dont really remember rn. these are the most important symptoms for me though, and what made me realize i have it. but really, if possible, write a journal, write things you feel, bad or good, anything can be useful.

you can also learn more about it and/or find some good helpful stuff here, here, here, here, here, here and here

#im sorry i wrote so much! #i usually do this and i need to stop #anyway i hope it was ok that its so much and that it helps! #sorry i couldnt think of anything else #and pls do let me know if u need any more help! #anonymous #answered #bpd things