#i'm procrastinating so much work and will definitely hate myself in the morning but i needed to finish this 😪 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kendrixtermina · 4 years

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Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

#enneagram #enneagram type 5 #feelings #enneagram 5w4 #5w4

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linkispink1995 · 4 years

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Better as Friends (25) A new Routine

Previously

Series masterlist

Chapter warnings:language , mentions of smut and a lot of fluff , kissing

A/N:this is the last part to this series but fear not there is a prequel and a sequel to this series,I want to thank everyone who enjoyed the series. This was my first series that I'm actually proud of so like always feedback is appreciated , stay safe and enjoy (Also there is a small q&a at the bottom feel free to fill that out).

~~~~~~~~~~

February 10th 1983

Dear Y/n , I honestly don't know how to start this other then I'm sorry. I'm sorry for leaving , I'm sorry for ignoring you and treating you so wrong , but not only that but I'm sorry for being so distant towards the baby. Our baby , the baby we made with our love and I'm pretty sure on a beach towel but that's besides the point. I promise that I'll be there for you whenever or wherever you need me , I love you and hope with all the love and kindness in your heart that you can find a way to forgive me. I might not deserve it , I mean I definitely don't deserve it but if you can forgive me maybe we can start over. Raise our child together like it supposed to be , love Steve.

June 7th 1988

Dear Y/n , I love you and I'm not sure when I exactly figured it out but I do , I can't think of a particular moment I realized this it maybe its was when I heard you laugh first time or the first time and maybe I realized it again when I saw how you were with Jackson . I don't know when it was but it will be something I'll never forgot but I've been waiting for this day for a while to realize that I'm still in love you but now in this moment I know I don't want to let you or Jackson go.

Love Steve

~~~~~~~~~~~

I felt tears begin to prick in my eyes reading those words , Steve however was silent probably waiting to hear my responses. I didn't respond though , I couldn't I was speechless and I didn't know why. Maybe it was because of how long ago he wrote this or maybe it was that he had this letter or maybe it was because I realized that maybe someway somehow this is how we were supposed to get back together. I looked up at Steve before he wiped on of the fallen tears that stained my cheek before I placed my lips onto his. He pulled away saying "I love you" I responded saying "I love you too" we reconnected our lips before walking down the hall to finish what had been started before the phone call

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

I awoke the following morning to an empty obis of sheets 'was last night a dream , it felt like dream , it was a dream' , I then wrapped some of sheet around myself since after last night's events I was to tired to change into pajamas "good morning". I turned to see Steve exciting the bathroom with a towel hung loosely around his waist , I responded saying "good morning". He then pecked my lips before saying "as much as I hate to leave this view , I gotta go to my place and get some stuff and make sure that someone is gone" I nodded before saying "yeah I should probably get up too before he comes home" He sighed saying " god I love you but your such a procrastinator" I nodded saying "well when you get back I'll make your breakfast" he nodded before I got up and kissed his cheek again before walking to the bathroom. After my shower I exited the bathroom and walked into the bedroom to see that the bed had been made and there was a small note on the bed , I then walked towards the kitchen since I had yet to have my morning cup of coffee. I had put the creamer into the fridge when I felt a that familiar samll figure run into my legs I pulled Jackson into my arms before saying "hi my sweet pea , did you have fun at grandma's" he nodded before saying "I missed you mama" I responded saying "I'm missed you and you know what I have a surprise for you" his face lit up before I added "aunt Colleen and uncle Matt had the baby and you me and daddy can go see her today his face lit up with a smile saying "really" I nodded as he added "but I thought we were mad at him". I sighed saying "well I think daddy and I have made up now" he nodded as my mom stood there with a look of shock on her face causing Jackson to giggle before I added "hey why don't you go play so I can talk to grandma". Jackson nodded before running back to his room. As I began to take a sip out of my coffee mom spoke saying " where you safe last night " I gasped saying "mom" she shrugged saying "Y/n I love you but isn't he still with that girl ". I quickly shook my head saying "no mother they broke up" she then asked "well at least you were safe" I rolled my eyes saying "jesus my mother , that's not your business". She nodded before I changed the subject since this wasn't something I wasn't going to talk to my mother about. "How was he last night" she nodded again saying "good , he's a really good kid sweetheart I'm really proud of you". I nodded as she added " besides that did you get to talk to him at all" I nodded as mom added "really" I again nodded before she added " was this before or after he gave you that marking on your neck" I responded saying "oh no this is a-" she cut me off saying "sweetie if I didn't know what a hickey was you probably wouldn't be here" I cringed at my mothers words before saying

"whatever mom" before feeling lift me off the ground and then peck my cheek a couple dozen times. Robin rolled her eyes again before saying " well I'm gonna go , Steven will you walk me out , we need to talk " Steve then pecked my cheek before walking outside with mom.

August 12th

Steve's p.o.v

I awoke as the sunshine began to pour into Y/n's bedroom window , I yawned before Y/n snuggled into my side I kissed the top of her head before trying to soak a few more minutes of sleep. A few minutes later I felt a kiss on my cheek and voice say "good morning" I opened my eyes before pecking Y/n's lips before saying "good morning". We then continued to lay there in silence soaking up our last minutes together before we'd have to wake Jackson up since todaywould be his firstdsy of kindergarten , a few minutes of laying there watching the sunrise through the blinds before Y/n spoke saying. "He has to get up soon" I nodded saying "I know but he could just stay here with us" she sighed saying "Steve I wish he could stay but -" I cut her off by pecking her lips before saying "Y/n I'm kidding , I want him to go and have a good time". She nodded before rolling over to view her alarm clock causing her to say "I should probably get out of this bed now" I responded saying "I'll miss you baby " to which she responded "I like when you call me that" I then started to kiss the back of her hand and start to work my way towards her neck only to pull away before getting to her sweet spot to say. "You know there are other names too if you don't really love that one" she then gasped as my lips ghosted her collar bone before I added "like babe , and honey or pumpkin" my lips finally made it to where I knew she had wanted them causing her to gasp before I could continue there was a knock at the bedroom door causing Y/n to pull away and walk towards the door. As she opened the door to reveal Jackson on the other side whoa seemed surprise to see her there since he said "can we go now" she sighed saying "no sweet pea not yet , how about we go and have breakfast" he nodded as the two left for the kitchen.

Y/n p.o.v

I entered the kitchen with Jackson in tow , the excitement could be felt in the air with a small mixture of sadness since my sweet baby boy who I could once carry in my arms was now going to kindergarten. Jackson had been waiting for this since the beginning of summer , he'd probably been counting down these days. On the other hand I was a mess and each day it would get worse , I thought I'd never stop crying after buying his backpack. It would get better , and then I see his school clothes that he had on his dresser since May. Steve however was doing really well and was acting like nothing was going to change and maybe he was right maybe the only thing that was changing except my baby was going to kindergarten.

After breakfast Jackson quickly ran to his bedroom to get dressed , before practically nagging Steve and I to get dressed cause he wanted to go early. After Steve and I got dressed Jackson then dragged us out of the house , the entire car ride Jackson was talking a mile a minute about all the things he was excited to learn but I not Steve was silent almost as if he wasn't really there. I pulled into the school parking lot before looking into the backseat to see Jackson grinning like the Cheshire cat , we exited the car before waling to the school. I was honestly nervous since he did seem so excited but I was afraid that the second he got up to the classroom he wouldn't want to leave my side since Jackson had always been close to me especially in new situations. To my surprise when we got to the classroom he didn't put or cry he just walked away from us , not even a goodbye kiss or an I'll miss you hug. Jackson just walked in the classroom no problem. As Steve and I began to walk back to the car I spoke saying "are you okay" he shrugged before I added "Steve honey what's-" he didn't responded he just fell in my arms saying "he didn't say goodbye he just walked away from us , he's done with us pretty soon he'll be driving and he'll-" I cut him off saying "he's play Steve will see him in seven hours okay" he frowned saying. "How about we pick him up at ten instead of two" I shook my head saying "no he's gonna stay the whole time okay and will pick him up and go out for ice cream afterwards how does that sound". He nodded saying "fine" I responded saying "and we can't worry okay he'll be fine , at least he didn't have a meltdown like someone I know". Steve huffed saying "mom told said we were going to the park that was not the park" I rubbed his shoulder as Steve continued his rant about how he didn't have a kicking screaming fit on the first day of kindergarten (he did) as we got into the car I couldn't help but think about how long it had been since I was in a classroom

Flashback

It was a rainy cold Thursday , I was sitting in Ms. Stone history class watch the rain drops tap the window . I probably should've been listening to her speech on the second world war , my perfect view of the first spring rainstorm after the snow had melted was disturbed by feeling someone tap on my shoulder. I knew exactly who it was , it was the person who sat in front of me since the beginning of the year , Steve Harrington. We had been best friends since Mrs. Andrew's third grade class after he poured paint in my snow shoes and I returned the favor by placing a rubber spider in his bookbag but that was over now. Are small rivalry had turned into a really good friendship and if I was being honest I couldn't help but want more my thoughts were interrupted by Steve saying "do you have a pencil" I sighed before handing him the one I was using "thanks" he said before I realized that was my only pencil. I sighed knowing that Ms. Stone was extremely stick about pencils I knew that because of Steve constantly asking for one. I hesitated before raing my hand before she spoke saying "yes Y/n you had a question"

I swallowed the lump in my throat given that I was never one for public speaking "I don't have a pencil and I was wondering if I could borrow one"

I felt as if every eye was on me "Ahh Y/n I thought to expect more from a grade A student" she said while walking towards my desk I was ready to hear what an idiot I was when all of the sudden someone interrupted "actually Ms. Stone , Y/n let me borrow her pencil I didn't realize it was her only one" it took me a moment whose voice it was , I though I was dreaming but I couldn't have been no mater how boring Ms. Stone's class was I never feel asleep, but my eyes had not deceived me it was Steve , Ms. Stone sighed and looked at me again saying "you knew you only had one pencil so you gave it to your fellow classmate" I nodded "ahh I see well Y/n , Steve since you both like pencils so much why don't you come in to detention on tomorrow and sharpen some for me" Ms. Stone snarled before placing the pencil on my desk and walking back to the board before Steve turned around to mouth the words "sorry"

After class I made my way to my locker before Steve caught up with me saying "listen Y/n I'm really sorry about that-" I cut him off saying. "It's fine" Steve then added "well hey listen what are you doing tomorrow" I responded saying. "Sharpening pencils with you" he rolled his eyes saying "I mean afterwards , do you maybe get something to eat" I nodded saying "yeah sure Benny's with the group sounds like fun". He shook his head saying "actually Y/n I was thinking that maybe you and I could just go" I stood there shocked as he added "like a date". My jaw must've hit the ground when he said that , before I could respond he added "you know what I'm sorry we don't-" I cut him off saying "no that would be nice yeah we can go after detention" he nodded saying "yeah that's great um yeah" I nodded before feeling the courage to kiss his cheek causing Steve to turn bright pink I then quickly walked away before heading to my next class.

Flashback over

After picking Jackson up from school the three of us had lunch at Benny's as Steve and I sat listening to Jackson entire day I couldn't help but think that maybe we weren't better as friends maybe we were better together ....

The end

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Taglist @disneyprincessbuffyannesummers @queenofthehairharrington @charmed-asylum

(Let me know if you'd like to be added to either or both the sequel and prequel taglist)

#steve harrington fanfiction #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington imagine #steve harrington #dad steve harrington #steve harrington angst #steve harrington au

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leukemiagnome · 5 years

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i'm so bad at keeping up with this...

Posted to Facebook on September 6, 2019

I honestly don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve interacted on Facebook. I think I started staying away after our climate took a left turn and everything became so saturated in sadness and negativity.

But, the desire to write about my experiences with leukemia and recovery has been something that’s weighed heavily on my heart for some time. It just took a lot for me to muster up the courage and energy to divulge my thoughts and emotions surrounding my experience with getting sick, relapsing, recovering and everything associated in between. First of all, I want to say that a big part of why I was hesitant to write a piece like this was the fear of coming off as fishing for sympathy. When you’ve never experienced something as life-changing as being diagnosed with cancer, it’s hard to fully comprehend just how severely such an affliction can affect a person’s life. I get it. And there is a part of me that wants to simply leave it at that. However, sometimes I feel so misunderstood. Oftentimes, I imagine myself just shaking certain people while screaming, “You just don’t understand!” I know that’s not a realistic thing to do, so instead, I’m left stewing with my own thoughts (more than I’d like to). So, I thought it was time to get some things off my chest. I know there will be different reactions to what I’m about to say; some will still take this post as me fishing for sympathy, others won’t relate because maybe they’ve had a different experience with cancer, and maybe (hopefully) there will be a few who may actually change their outlook on people who have been touched by this disease or something similar. Whatever each person’s reaction may be, I’m hoping that writing this may give me some solace knowing that I simply, “Said what I had to say.”

Mostly everyone knows by now how I was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia as summer wrapped up in 2017. Since then, a lot has been a blur as you really don’t get much time to simply breathe. You’re very quickly whisked off to bone marrow biopsies and immediately pumped with various forms of sickening chemotherapy. Many know that chemotherapy is a terrible treatment; the way it eats away at your insides, deteriorating your body to an almost unrecognizable state. A lot of people don’t know the gory details or how it actually affects your ability to retain new memories, think rationally and clearly, or even remember past beautiful memories that you made prior to being diagnosed. Chemotherapy is essentially a thief, taking away so much of what you once loved and what made you — YOU. It tore away at me from the inside out, causing me to become delusional, turning me into another person, and ultimately making me into a completely different person than the person my (now) husband had proposed to. Chemotherapy made my stomach raw to the point I could only ingest liquids and made me throw up blood even if I didn’t know I was actually throwing up blood. Sadly, the effects of chemotherapy (and radiation) last beyond your treatment period and you’re left with a version of yourself that you don’t recognize in addition to being left to pick up the pieces and the task of “rebuilding” yourself. Over a year after having my bone marrow transplant, and experiencing a relapse, I find myself still struggling to repair the damages. Though many of you see me happy, smiling, and optimistic, know that I choose to show you only the best parts of me because the other parts are too hard to come to terms with, much less share with the world. Haven’t you noticed that I rarely post anything on social media? Yet, when I do, I appear to be just fine. What I’m not telling you is how I often think about just getting a physical therapist because, even though I’m a young woman in my twenties, my body moves and works like I’m in my seventies. If I drop something on the floor and I’m home alone, oftentimes I can’t even think about picking it up because I might not be able to get off the floor on my own. I don’t mention how I feel like a huge burden to my healthy, loving husband and how it breaks my heart that I cannot do things with my husband that I should be able to at my age. I can’t talk about how I hate my body and everyday I struggle to look confident, when actually, deep inside I really hate the person I’ve become. I don’t tell you that a lot of the time I have no appetite and I drink Ensure just to get my base nutrients so I don’t fall ill. I don’t talk about how getting sick has put myself and my husband in debt because when you can’t work, you only get paid a fraction of what you made when you were able-bodied (even though now you have doctors bills and medication to pay for) I definitely don’t mention how this disease has caused me to lose family and friends, ultimately putting me into a depressed state that sometimes causes me to stay in bed for days at a time. I don’t like to talk about the fact it truly breaks my heart to constantly watch people and life move on without me without even blinking in my direction. I don’t tell you how I feel lonely now that many people have dissipated from my life and I most likely won’t mention how often I cry about that fact that I’m going to be a bride in December with most likely no bridesmaids or Maid Of Honor. I wish so badly I had friends to help plan my wedding, to watch me try on my wedding gown and to plan bachelorette parties and bridal showers, just like any other bride. Missing out on monumental parts of my twenties, knowing realistically I won’t get these moments back, is so hurtful.

Like I said before, to some people, these things may all seem entirely trivial. But, that’s because so many take these things for granted. Many view these moments in life as “typical,” and so many could not even imagine actually not being able to do or experience these things. I was the exact same way. I went to bed each night “knowing” I was going to wake up healthy the next morning. I said hurtful things to people because I “knew” I would see them again and eventually have the chance to make-up in time. I procrastinated and put things off because I “knew” I had plenty of time to do whatever it is I wanted. But that’s exactly the thing; time is no one’s friend. It’ll go on with or without you. Time doesn’t discriminate and it never stops. I wish I was wise enough to learn that lesson a long time ago. I wish it didn’t take me nearly losing my life to realize all of this. I know now though, which is probably a big reason why I feel like I need to just go ahead and divulge my heart’s aches and just say what I’m feeling. I truly hope no one takes this as an attempt to achieve some quick sympathy. I just really wanted people to know that once the battle is over, doesn’t mean the war is over. Cancer patients go through so much to rebuild their lives. It’s slow, sad, and painful. Like I said before, cancer (and the treatments) rob people of so much, and the journey to attempt to get the normalcy back isn’t an easy one, nor does it always end in triumph. This note isn’t just to help you see things from the perspective of a cancer patient, but just other people in general. I feel like many people today are so wrapped up in themselves and the concept of “one-upping” the next person that they forget to slow down and simply ask the person next to them, “How are you doing?” Sometimes, that little invitation to open up is all people need to keep them from feeling alone and hopeless. I know I am far from perfect, and I have made more than my fair share of mistakes. I’ve probably made enough mistakes for this lifetime and the next. But, I know that I am trying my best to move slower, do things with more intention and compassion, and simply be a better me. I don’t know if I’ll live to see ten years from now or even next week, but I know I am going to try my best to make each day count and try to remind people around me that they’re loved, cared for, and thought about.

That’s all.

#life #leukemia #writing #melancholy #lonely #friends #alone #wedding #recovery #cancer #cancersurvivor #courage #positive #goodvibes #depressed

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imaginative-heroes · 7 years

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i'm kind of curious, would it be okay if i asked some general headcanons of the writers? i'm always engrossed reading what you write but i don't know anything about you two :o

I love this request, we we’re both excited to answer :)

Admin Allie:

~ I’ve been playing volleyball for 5 years and I’m absolutely insistent on getting volleyball scholarship and playing for a college league

~ Speaking of college, I wanna work for the FBI in the future so I’m going to hopefully major in criminology and psychology as well as (at least) get my bachelors degree

~ HuGe horror fanatic, hit me up any time with those scary movies

~ Finn Cole, Cillian Murphy, Sebastian Stan, Chris Evans, and Katsuki Bakugou can hit me up anytime

~I’ve definitely procrastinated so much at one time that I had to write an entire 3-page essay in 4 hours at 10:30 PM the night before the due date

~Been dating my boyfriend Kyson for 6 months now and this boi is FiNe

~I have non-irritated Keratosis Pilaris all over my upper arms

~I genuinely have no idea how I have gotten so many followers, but I wanna say that I love all of you so f’ning much that it’s not even funny

~Biggg fan of music, if I’m not on Tumblr or writing them I'm definitely listening to music

Member @nozaraashi :

•Well, I’ve been vegetarian for more than 3 years and a half. It wasn’t difficult at all for me to cut off meat from my diet? I did it because my love for animals since I could never really stand the fact that I was eating them lol

•Music is a really important thing in my life. My parents sent me to a music academy when I was little (from 8-12 years old) and I learned to play the piano, flute, and violin. I love piano the most; I’m at peace whenever I get the chance to play. Now, I’m learning to play guitar by myself.

•I live for lazy days. I’ve always liked to sleep a lot, and I totally hate doing sports lol. I don’t really mind spending a morning or night just watching movies with my friends, or talking about whatever. The company is what matters to me.

•I’m a big fan of League of Legends, even though I don’t have as much time as before to play. I’m super hyped about the ongoing world’s cup, but I’m a little sad since my favorite team (Fnatic) got eliminated in the quarterfinals.

•My favorite band is Red Hot Chili Peppers. I would literally fight someone that talk-trash them. I heard them for the first time when I was in school, and I totally fell in love with their music since then.

•I’m studying medicine, as I said in my little introduction when I started writing here. It’s been my dream to become one since I can remember, and I’ve been planning to specialize as an oncologist after I get my general medicine degree.

•I don’t know what else to say haha, I wouldn’t mind answering any question you could have though!

#member nozaraashi #personal ask #admin talk #love this request ahh #got to learn new stuff about mar too #me #bnha #my hero acadmeia #boku no hero academia

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optomstudies · 7 years

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Hi Optomstudies! I'm an introverted person and I’m okay with that but that means I can be socially awkward at times. I often don't have much to say to people and find it hard to continue conversations or reply enthusiastically and sometimes it takes me a while to think of how to reply ahaha ==’. I’d like to be a bit more like you :) What could I do to change things a bit? Thanks :D

Hello! I’m a bit of an introvert as well, though people usually think I’m an extrovert when I talk to them hahaha It’s true that sometimes you end up not clicking with people even if you try your best to start conversation, but with most people if you try little things, you’ll eventually get them to open up and the conversation flows almost automatically!

I’m a big believer in honesty though, so I dislike platitudes and pretentiousness in conversation. At the same time, I also dislike when people say things that can be construed as having a double meaning and are offensive in a subtly passive aggressive way, just to set that straight and to somewhat explain the underlying reasoning behind my advice and what I believe in. I’m pretty sure that my advice is generic though, and even I struggle to follow every step when I’m feeling exhausted haha

As an introvert, meeting people drains your energy by definition, but remember that small things you can do don’t really take that much extra energy, especially when you think about it as being a way to make other people feel welcome and appreciated. It’s all a state of mind - there’s no conservation of energy when it comes to the energy to talk to others hahaha I also try and think that every single interaction you have with a person will (generally) make them like you more (provided you are actually talking nicely and being likeable). So whenever I was sitting at home thinking “idk… would it be awkward to suddenly send them a message” I would tell myself this to overcome that little procrastination speedbump.

Try and compliment people in little ways - honestly and sincerely though! I had this classmate who honestly and truly believes that she is doing a good thing; every morning she saw me (or anyone else) she would try and compliment something about what I was wearing, even if just to say “that’s an interesting pattern you’re wearing today! :)”. I get this approach, and it can definitely cheer people up, make their day. I do believe that she thinks it’s either a way to make the world happier or a part of social convention, and I get that approach. I don’t believe it’s lying at any point either. But when I try and compliment someone, I don’t want to point out something just for the sake of pointing it out; complimenting should be honest and sincere, even when it’s something you wouldn’t wear yourself but the other person pulls it off spectacularly. Too many compliments to every person you see kind of lessens the meaning behind them.

Try and look happy to see someone - give them a sincere smile, and lift the inflection of your greeting - not just a “hey there”, but a “hey! :)” (much easier for girls, but guys can do it too) Everyone wants to talk to someone that they think wants to listen to them, yourself included right? So even just leaning forward a little bit when you speak to them conveys your interest and appreciation. This is hard to do when you’re feeling emotionally exhausted I know, but you can always take a break :)

Keep asking questions. Kind of an age-old adage now, but everyone’s heard the fact that people love talking about themselves right? So just let them do the hard work. If you don’t have much to say to people, then just ask them and get them to say what they want. On the other hand, also volunteer a little information about yourself after you’ve heard them expound about their experiences. As a talkative person, I absolutely hate it when the other person just continues to grill me with questions, and force me to keep asking “what about you?” Conversation is a two-way street, so I shouldn’t have to prompt you to just say “oh hey me too, I also like _______”.

Sometimes it’s hard to reply enthusiastically; you might have no idea about the topic someone is really passionate about. This is me with sport honestly lol I am terrible at it and it consequently leads to me tuning out (not on purpose!) when someone starts explaining in depth rules and gameplay. My advice is to maintain eye contact with them and listen attentively, although don’t call me an expert on this particular area. Eventually because you naturally don’t know about a topic, or naturally have no interest, your responses will become answers rather than discussions. Most of the time the other person notices and changes the topic.

I have met the occasional person who continues to talk your ear off even though your eyes have started to glaze over though (at which point it becomes apparent that the other person has the problem with conversational skills). In that situation, try and change the topic smoothly. Think of something, anything else that is remotely related, and wait for a lull in conversation before asking them “oh btw….” I know it sounds overly simplistic, but it works! Make sure it’s really smooth though - it has to be a slightly related topic, or else the other person might be offended. It’s a way of taking control of the conversation. You can even just stop them and say “okay so what happened at the end?” - this forces them to summarise and cut to the chase. That’s a tip I got from a friend actually.

That ended up being a bit of an essay hahahaha hope it helps though! ^__^

#answered #study tips #kind of?#self care #college #university #mymp #optomstudies

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