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starry-eyes-love · 22 hours

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Calm Me Down

Main Masterlist Joel Miller Masterlist

The next chapter in the Marriage Dynamics series

Pairing | Husband Joel Miller x Wife F!Reader- AU, No Outbreak

Summary | You wake up having a panic attack, and Joel calms you down. This results in the two of you talking, calming each other’s fears, and finally working through your problems. You feel movement in your pregnancy for the first time while Joel silently talks to his unborn child, asking for a gift that he doesn’t know yet but will receive.

Work Count: 5.5K

Warnings | Series is 18+, Minor DNI

Age difference (implied), language, descriptions of anxiety/panic attack, flashbacks, marriage dynamics (these two finally communicate), hurt and comfort, tenderness and love, mentions of pregnancy, you feel baby movement for the first time, mild reference to past cheating (your father and Joel's ex-wife, not from Joel or you), mild references in the past to physical abuse by your father, references to berating your father did to you in the past.

A/N: Sorry for taking so long on this next part, but here you are. As a reminder, I no longer do tag lists. Make sure to turn on notifications for when I post new written pieces.

“Baby, look at me,” Joel said sternly, turning you around to face him. He immediately searched your eyes to get you to look at him. Joel reached out instinctively and placed a steady hand on your belly, slowly rubbing it and feeling the soft swell of your stomach that was holding and caring for his child. He was trying to help ground you and reassure you that you were okay and that your baby would be alright, too.

These moments come out of nowhere: the sheer panic, the sweaty palms, the narrowing vision. You don't know why, but suddenly, it feels like the whole world is crashing down around you, like you are falling fast off of a cliff, unable to save yourself from sudden death. Your heart races, and you're stuck believing the lies in your head. The lies that you know are not true.

“I'm not good enough. I can't do this. I'll never be more than what I am now: a failure. My husband doesn't love me.”

This feeling inside seizes you, holds you tight, and doesn't allow you to take a proper breath. And that's ok, you think. You don't need to breathe, not yet. But the feeling doesn't stop, and your body eventually screams for another breath. The thing is, though, you can't get any air in, so you panic once again. The cycle never ends. It keeps repeating until you're drowning in your sweat and anxiety. You're having a goddamn panic attack, one that you haven't had in many years. To say you're embarrassed doesn't even come close to describing your emotions. The word you require fails to come to you, so you settle for fear, embarrassment, and loneliness.

You've been way too stressed your entire pregnancy. You're a week shy of being 20 weeks along with your third baby and your fourth pregnancy.

Yeah, we won't talk about that pregnancy. The daughter that you lost at 22 weeks pregnant. To this day, you still don't like thinking about it.

Even though this is a different pregnancy, things seem to haven't gone how you wanted. You finally did tell Joel that you were pregnant at your doctor's appointment when you started spotting blood. You were scared of admitting pregnancy to him, especially when you two had barely talked since Halloween. You didn't know why; you just weren't getting along. It's funny how life does that sometimes, isn't it?

Even though your 20th-week ultrasound was just a few days away, you felt embarrassed that nothing seemed to go as planned this time. You hadn't told Joel you were pregnant technically until you were having bleeding problems. You weren't sexually active with your husband. There was no celebration of being pregnant, just awkward silence, mostly of which came from you. Joel attempted to speak with you, but you'd always clam up and not talk. If you were being honest, it wasn't until late at night on Christmas Eve that Joel and you started to talk and get along again.

Now, you lay awake in bed, your mind racing, running wild with panic at all the scenarios that weren't even happening. But it felt like they were happening now, and you were scared. You were drowning in panic, unable to slow your mind down, wishing for anything to stop it.

I'm not good enough. My husband doesn’t want this and doesn't want to be with me. I'm such a horrible wife for not telling him.

Your thoughts wouldn't stop. Your mind kept racing, and you felt like you were drowning. The walls were once again closing in around you, sucking you underneath the surface. You desperately needed a lifeline to grab onto, something to save you from yourself. That's when you felt your husband reach out to you and pull you tight against his chest. He wrapped his arms around you, securing you to him while gently whispering, “Baby, come on now, breathe.”

Earlier in the night, Joel had decided not to sleep with his shirt on, something he hadn’t done in a long time. After his shower, he noticed the way you were looking at him. Eyes wide, lips slightly parted, you looked at him like you desperately needed something primal from him.

“What's that look for, baby?” He said, glancing over at you and raising just his eyebrow. He was taunting you, wanting you to voice all those dirty little things that he knew you were thinking. He could tell by the look on your face, the way you were breathing, and how you were slowly squeezing your thighs together that you were turned on and sexually aroused. Joel may not be able to give you penetrative sex yet, but dammit, he could eat his wife's pussy if she wanted it. And Joel secretly hoped that you wished to do that tonight.

“I-uh, I-'' you said, stuttering and stammering at the words. You couldn't voice it or say it out loud for some reason. You were never afraid of dirty talk in the bedroom. But considering it has been almost 20 weeks, nearly five months since the two of you have done anything sexual, you were a bit nervous.

“Why don't you finish getting ready for bed, baby, then come over here, and I'll get ya all nice and relaxed for bed.”

“What did you have in mind?” You asked, hoping Joel would voice it for you.

“Oh, darlin’, you know what I have in mind,” he said, slowly sticking his tongue out and moving it up and down like he does when he licks at you fast when he goes down on you.

You quickly nodded your head and then ran into the bathroom. You needed a shower and desperately needed a shave. You spent the next 20 minutes making yourself feel more sexy and presentable. But when you entered the bedroom, you noticed all your work was in vain. Joel was lying down and loudly snoring already. Immediately, your heart sank at seeing him fast asleep.

Joel intended to give you, his wife, some much-needed affection and attention. But he underestimated how tired he was. When his head hit the pillow, he was out like a light and asleep within seconds. You, however, had laid there with your eyes open, overthinking stuff once again.

You loved being pregnant, but you hated the first part of pregnancy, where the anxiety was horrible. Your doctor said because your hormones change so much in the first stages of pregnancy, anxiety is common among women. And boy, did you ever have anxiety, especially this time around with being pregnant in your late 30s.

Even though your hormones were already leveling out, you were still nervous about knowing if your baby was growing healthy inside of you. You knew that after your 20-week ultrasound appointment, you would calm down. But you just had to get there first. You were nervous about losing this pregnancy. You remember the pregnancy you had lost; that 20th-week ultrasound showed significant problems. If everything would show that you were ok, just like the two other pregnancies did with your boys, you knew you'd calm down. You kept telling yourself that everything would be ok. But that crippling anxiety kept sneaking up at you at the worst times and holding you tight, like tonight.

The longer the night continued, the more you wanted to reach out and have your husband hold you tight to help calm your fears. But he looked so peaceful lying there sleeping; you didn't want to wake him. You both were getting along again, and there was no more fighting between you. So you didn't know where this anxiousness was coming from tonight. Your body felt off, and you didn't know why. You had tried to fall asleep, struggling with your mind to get any rest. At one point, you had dozed off a little bit, but you quickly woke up in a panic, sweating profusely. You were smack dab in the middle of yet another bad panic attack. You haven't had one of these episodes of panic for many years. Usually, stress or something larger would trigger them, but nothing unusual has happened recently. So you lay there silently, trying to will all of these bad feelings that you were having away. But no matter what you did, you could still feel your heart race and your chest constrict. It felt like you couldn't fully take a deep breath. You were drowning fast in terror and panic, not knowing if you could get yourself out of it anymore. You didn't realize in your panicked state that your husband woke up. But then, all of a sudden, when your chest constricted the tightest, and you thought you were going to die from lack of oxygen, you felt Joel’s strong arms wrap around you. He gently pulled you to him, where your back met his chest. He let out a long exhale while slowly whispering, “Baby, come on, breathe.

After Joel had laid down, he had fallen asleep suddenly, too suddenly for his liking. He wanted to cuddle you and give you much-needed attention and affection. Joel could see that you were stressed with work and raising the boys, and Joel's chaotic work schedule didn't help you. He recently hired a manager to work out in the field with Tommy so he could stay back in the office more and focus on the business side of things. His contracting business was expanding, growing at a rapid rate where Joel didn’t need to be out in the field all the time working. He could take that much-needed break and focus his time and skills on the best ways of growing his company.

Joel suddenly was jolted awake by something, but he was unsure of what. When he opened his eyes, Joel saw your back as you were facing away from him. Joel thought maybe it was a bad dream that had woken him up. Slowly, he ran his hand down his face, slightly shaking it and yawning to clear his head. Upon looking over at you again, Joel saw that you were curled up into a ball, looking like you were resting peacefully. He smiled silently, admiring you and what looked like your peaceful slumber. But then he heard it, the small sob that left your chest as you struggled to breathe in air. Joel frowned, knowing all too well that you were panicking and having a bad panic attack yet again.

Baby, I thought we stopped these, he thought, not enjoying seeing his wife struggle. He knew you were drowning in your head, unable to get your head above water as gulp after gulp of quick spurts of air were leaving your lungs. You were like a lost ship out to sea, desperately looking for a way back into port. Joel knew he was your only lifeline, and it broke his heart that he needed to be this again. He loved you and always supported you, but seeing you panic like this broke his heart. Something was bothering you, and he hoped, like hell, that someone wasn’t him.

“Baby, come on, breathe.” He said, slowly reaching out to you and pulling you into his chest.

But you couldn't; your heart was hammering in your chest, and it wouldn't slow down. “I can't breathe,” you said, hyperventilating and sobbing. You didn't know what was wrong or why, but it felt like you couldn't breathe. “Something’s wrong, Joel, I can’t- I can’t breathe.” You said, rushing air in and out of your lungs fast.

As soon as your eyes met his, you started sobbing and saying, “I can't do this. I'm a failure. I'm always fucking up. No one cares about m-me or loves me.”

“No, babe. Come on now, look at me,” Joel said, cupping your cheeks and forcing you to open your eyes to look at him. “Come on, with me, yeah? Breathe.” Joel then took a slow, deep breath, and you mirrored his actions.

“That’s it, sugar, nice and slow,” he said, breathing with you. He was trying to slow your breathing down. After readjusting himself, Joel sat beside you, gently taking your hand and placing it on his chest, holding it tight against him.

“Feel how I breathe, darlin', now match it. Come on now, slow breath in.”

*Joel took a slow breath in.*

“Now, slowly breathe out.”

*Joel slowly breathed out.*

“And again,” he said, getting you to focus on slowing your breathing down. One of his hands held yours against his chest so that you could feel the pattern of his breaths. The other hand was protectively lying over your bump, gently stroking the skin, centering both you and him that everything was alright with your baby.

After several moments of slowing your breathing and getting you to breathe normally again, you finally sighed and said, “Thanks, Joel.”

Still sitting above you, Joel furrowed his brow as he looked at you. He didn’t know why you were having a panic attack tonight. It stressed him out and worried him, especially since you were pregnant. He didn’t want you to get too stressed out and put the baby you were carrying under any more stress. After a long moment of observing you, Joel finally sighed and asked, “Why d’ya think you’re a failure?” As he waited for your response, he slowly started stroking your belly once again.

“I don’t know, I- I was upset and spouted my mouth off. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Don’t give me that shit of ‘didn’t mean anything by it.’ Christ woman.” Joel said, pinching the bridge of his nose with his hand while removing his other hand from your belly.

You frowned slightly at his movements, knowing that now he was agitated. You didn't want to have any more arguments with him. You two have been finally getting along for a while, and you weren't in the mood to go back to the way things were, where you hardly spoke, and if you did, it would result in an argument. To you, those days were behind you.

When Joel felt you stiffen below him, he froze. He was frustrated at the situation tonight. Something was bothering you to the point where it made you panic, and he wanted to know why. Why did you think that you were a failure? He felt his heart ache when you continued to look up at the ceiling, not wanting to look at him for fear that it'd start another argument.

Since when did Joel Miller become such an asshole that his wife didn't want to look at him? Since when did he become your father?

Joel took a deep breath and sighed, realizing how harsh his attitude had been these past few months. Yeah, you two haven't had sex since Halloween, almost five months ago. He reasoned with himself that the lack of sexual intercourse was because of the doctor's orders. But you two haven't done anything else either. Joel didn't blame you; he blamed himself for the change. Tommy even commented the other day to Joel that his brother had changed, but not in a good way. Yeah, Joel Miller was an asshole. But what bothered him the most was he's been an asshole to you, and you've never deserved it.

Sighing at this realization, he turned towards you and gently touched your chin. “Hey, look at me, will ya,” he said, cupping your cheek with his hand. When you finally decided to look at him, he smiled tenderly and whispered, “I love you. You know that, right, baby?”

He felt his eyes sting when you didn't answer and just stared at him. Joel Miller has been drastically fucking things up.

“I'm so fucking sorry, darlin’,” he said while gently placing his hand back again on your bump. “I’m sorry for makin’ this. For fucking everything up where I wasn’t there for you emotionally like I should have been.”

You just glared at him, struggling to keep your tears from falling. “Y-you didn't, shit,” you said, brushing a single tear away from your cheeks. I’m not doing this right now. I’m not going to break down again, you thought.

Joel could see you were struggling not to get emotional, and he was trying so hard to find ways to fix what he had already broken. “Baby, I was so mad at what ya told me on Halloween. That I wasn't rockin’ your sexual world anymore. I got, fuck baby, I got mad and jealous.”

“Seriously? What could you have been jealous about?” You said, snapping at him with more force than you intended. You were confused and slightly irritated at your husband. Joel was the one who shut you out after Halloween, not you. He barely spoke to you, held you; hell, he still hasn't even fucked you since that night. Sure, you pulled away, too, and you didn't tell him you were pregnant. But every time you tried to open up, he'd shut you down, yell at you, or treat you like you weren't his wife. You sat in silence, not knowing how to respond to your husband. Joel wasn't moving or answering you either, and for a minute, you thought that maybe he'd fallen asleep. But then you heard it, a sniffle, followed by a choked-off sob.

“Joel-” you said softer, looking over at him as you noticed tears streaming down his face. He placed a hand over his eyes, sobbing into it. You didn't understand what was happening or why he was giving you this emotional response.

“I'm s-sorry. I'm so fucking sorry that you d-don't want to be w-with me anymore.” Joel said, continuing to sob into his hand.

Where the hell was this all coming from? You thought. “Baby, what are you talking about? Of course I-”

“Don’t,” Joel said sternly, quickly brushing his tears away. Joel hated crying by himself, and he hated crying in front of you. After taking a moment to collect himself, he leaned down and whispered to your belly, “I'm so sorry that Daddy has fucked this up. I-I love both you and your mama so fucking much, ok?” He gently kissed your belly and wiped the remaining tears from his eyes away. When he sat up, he looked around the room, admiring the home you two had built together, with the front of him facing away from you.

Joel wouldn't look at you, even when you asked him. You were scared, scared of what was coming next. You knew this scene, knew it well from your father. It would be the moment that Joel would tell you he’s been sleeping with someone else. He’d tell you that you were too much for him and that he couldn’t help it, that it was an accident. You also waited for the words ‘you ruined my life’ to come to his lips, just like your father told you before. But the longer you waited, the longer it was apparent that those words would never come. That’s when you felt your heart begin to race again.

“I can practically hear those gears turning in your head, love. Stop overthinking things. I just wanted to say that you deserve better; you both do. And I know I'm not your favorite human right now and that you’re ashamed to carry my child-”

“Joel Miller, what are you even talking about? I'm not ashamed of-”

Joel stopped you by raising a hand, silencing you, saying, “Please, just let me finish.” He then continued when he knew you wouldn't interrupt him again. “I've, I'm- shit- I'm not good with this stuff, with words. I just- fuck.”

Joel didn't know what he was trying to say. He felt sorry for Halloween and for the miscommunication you two had. He’s been moody since then and not present in his marriage. He was also very sorry for not making you feel comfortable enough to tell him things again, like when you were first pregnant. But most of all, he was sorry for disappointing you as a man and husband.

When Joel realized the last admission in his mind, he felt tears well up again. You had opened your mouth to speak again, but Joel interrupted you by saying, “Ya know, I think my ex-wife was right all those years ago.”

“How so?” you said, tensing at the mention of her.

“She said I always fucked things up, and that's why she was- uh- why it didn't work out between us.” Joel almost said it. The thing he hadn’t told you. That his first wife was unfaithful because he wasn't present in their marriage and didn't give her enough support after Sarah was born.

“Joel,” you said while slowly grabbing his hand. “Baby, I'm not her, and for the record, you ain't fucking things up.”

Joel snorted at your comment, saying, “Darlin', we both know that ain't true. You're pregnant with my child. And you didn't even want to tell me because of it, because of me.”

“Joel, I didn't tell you because I was scared. I'm a woman in my middle thirties who told her husband life was stale in the bedroom. On that same night, he also knocked me up. I wanted to tell you immediately, but as soon as I attempted, you weren't there. You were working 16-hour days and moody because of no help at work. Yeah, I fucked up. I should have said something, but I was scared. I was scared I was trapping you in a marriage you didn't want.”

“What do you mean a marriage I didn't want? Baby, I love you and want you, always. I've never felt trapped, not ever. Why are you thinkin’ that?” Joel said, screwing his face up and not understanding why you thought he didn't want to be married.

“I don't know, just something my dad said when-”

“I ain't your old man,” Joel said, grinding his teeth and flaring his nostrils. At one time, your father, Pat, was Joel's best friend. But that abruptly ended when Pat laid his hands on his daughter and unforgivably hurt her.

“I know it's just- I was worried you didn't want this, want me. I know I'm a lot, a handful, that-” Your voice started to tremble, and your lip was quivering. You couldn't say it out loud. But Joel knew it was the last thing you heard your father say before you walked out of his life, forever.

Flashback

“Joel, I know my daughter, ok? She's a handful, a complete pain in the ass, and a liability. One that I wish like hell wasn't my damn responsibility anymore. So do yourself a favor; don't get involved. She'll just ruin your life. She’s already ruined mine.”

You had stood there and heard your father tell Joel, your new fiance, he didn't want you as a daughter anymore. That you being around was a burden to him and his life. You were standing in the kitchen as Pat, your father, talked to Joel in the living room. You weren't supposed to hear the conversation, and you knew that. But with what you heard, it had shattered you. You walked out of your father's house with tears in your eyes, never returning. It was good that you walked out before you heard your father's last comment. The one comment that yet today made Joel grind his teeth and see red anytime he thought about it.

“Joel, that girl of mine is nothin’ but a goddamn whore. A bitch, just like her mother. She'll just hurt you in the end. My advice, make sure you have a little something on the side, a nice piece of ass as I did, just as a pick me up. Trust me, you'll get sick of looking at her pathetic ass day in and day out. I did with her mother, and it felt great to go and get some much-needed attention from the girls I had on the side…”

After your father called you a whore and told Joel what took place when Joel had you hang out at his house, he felt sick and saw red with anger. Your dad's weekend trips and late-night house calls were due to him fucking around on your mom, a woman who was battling cancer and eventually lost. But the worst thing that Joel found out was that all those black eyes you were supporting in high school and college weren't because you got into a fight or that a boyfriend hit you. No, Pat was getting drunk and using his fists against his daughter's face. Joel also had a sneaky suspicion that the two cracked ribs you had in college also came from Pat. Joel couldn't believe that his best friend did that, and worse, you never said anything. Joel would have stopped it immediately if he had known. Pat was no longer in either of your lives anymore.

Present Day

“Baby, you ain't too much, so stop thinking that. C’mere.” Joel said, having you come and sit on his lap while he placed his back against the headboard.

He helped you straddle him, putting your hard baby belly against his softer belly. Your bump prevented you from getting as close as usual, but it was close enough that Joel could still wrap his arms around you and rest his forehead against yours.

“Now, darlin’, I want you to take a deep breath for me, ok?” After you took a deep breath and slowly let it out, you felt your heartbeat return to normal, along with his.

“I’m so sorry, Joel, that I didn’t tell you-”

“Don’t. Please darlin’. I-I don’t care what we’ve done before. I care about the right here and now. Please.”

You could feel how stressed Joel was. How his muscles tensed with you, referencing you were sorry again for not telling your husband at the beginning of your pregnancy that you were pregnant. If you could do it again, but differently, you would. But that’s not life. Life is about living in the moment, feeling emotions, and allowing yourself to experience it in its messy glory. It’s about making mistakes and then learning from those mistakes. But most of all, it’s about forgiveness, hope, compassion, love, and understanding. You both understood that the choices made these past few months were out of anger, frustration, and loneliness.

With your eyes closed and your understanding of the situations that have surrounded the two of you for a while, you quietly said, “I love you, old man.”

Joel let out a small snort at your teasing. ‘Old man’ was a nickname you gave him long ago when the two of you started dating, and now it was a term of endearment.

“I love you too, baby girl,” he said, slowly nuzzling his nose against yours.

When you pulled back and opened your eyes, you saw your husband looking at you lovingly. His eyes were so soft, tenderness seen behind them. He was your lifeline that tethered you to this world, keeping you anchored and not drifting. When he slowly kissed you, you felt him tell you in the kiss that you were loved and that everything would be alright. He was your rock, your protector, your soulmate. But more importantly, he was your Joel. The man who saw you for what you were inside. He saw past your faults and insecurities, of you believing you were too much. He gave you a safe place to land and be in the moment. You had a lifetime with him, helped him raise Sarah, and gave birth to two strong-willed little boys you loved dearly. And now you were pregnant again, with a baby that was half him and half you growing inside of you. This little one was very much a surprise, but the best possible surprise. It forced you both to stop your chaotic lives and slow down to remember what life was all about Love.

After several tender kisses, you started to giggle against his mouth. Joel pulled back at your giggling, confused at your antics. “Darlin’, are you laughing at me?”

You continued giggling and said, “No, Joel, I’m not,” but then you giggled again.

“Baby, please-”

“Joel, I just felt the baby move.”

Joel’s eyebrows shot up, surprised, looking at you with excitement. “R-really? Just now?”

“Yes, just now, when I was thinking how much I loved you and how much this child is teaching us that we need to communicate still, to be strong, and-”

Joel slowly moved his hands down to your stomach and rubbed it tenderly. He knew he wouldn’t feel movement for another few weeks. But seeing you feel life for the first time was the best possible gift one could experience with you. The joy on your face at the realization that a baby was growing inside you, one that he helped create.

“There it is again,” you said, smiling and giggling. You placed your hand right over Joel’s hand, right where you felt movement. It felt like a cricket, or something ran across your stomach, but from the inside. It was always the oddest feeling that you’d feel. It wasn’t a full kick yet; those would come in a few weeks. But in this movement, it always made you laugh when you’d feel it for the first time.

When you looked up at Joel, you were beaming with the biggest smile, while he had the most tender look in his eyes. Softly, he rubbed his thumb back and forth over your skin, giving you and his baby affection. “She's telling her mama that she loves her.”

“Joel, it’s too early. We don’t-” you said, choking up with emotion. Joel knew you wanted a girl so badly, especially after the two of you lost the only pregnancy before where you were pregnant with a girl. It was a sore subject for the two of you.

Before, when you were pregnant with a girl, Joel had come home early from work because you said you weren’t feeling well. He noticed you were sleeping on the couch when he entered the house. Joel quietly went upstairs and showered, but you yelled for him while he was washing his body. Joel quickly rinsed himself off and ran out to the living room, wearing nothing but a towel with water still dripping down his back. When he got to you, you were sitting up and crying. When he had asked you what was wrong, you pulled back the blanket, and Joel saw a large pool of bright red blood on the couch. You were rushed to the hospital by ambulance, but it was already too late. The girl you were pregnant with had no heartbeat detected. You stayed in the hospital for observation, delivering the tiny baby that night.

After you were asleep in the hospital, Joel had gone home. He took the sledgehammer to the couch, tears streaming down his face while hitting it. Tommy found him beating the hell out of the sofa, crying and screaming at how much he hated the world for taking the one thing that you wanted away from you: a little girl.

And now, all these years later, when you hear Joel reference a girl, you can’t help but get scared. Sure, you hoped for a girl and dreamed of it again, but you also didn't want to go through losing another baby once again.

“It’s just a hunch, darlin’, and don’t worry, mama; I’ll keep you both safe. Now come on, time for you both to go to bed.” Joel said, wrapping you in his arms to help silence your fears.

Joel laid you down and got you situated after he brought you some water to drink. He pulled you tight to him, your back against his bare chest as he traced small circles on your belly, helping you quickly fall asleep. After Joel knew you were sleeping soundly, he quietly whispered, “Little one, please stay in here no matter what, ok? I don’t know if you’re a girl or a boy, but I think you may be a girl this time. Regardless, your mama needs you to be healthy, and Daddy needs you to be healthy. You’ve heard bad words these past few months when your mama and I have been arguing. But please know, I’m beyond excited to be a dad yet again, your dad. I love you both so much, ok. Stay in there, and let your mama have a nice, easy pregnancy, ok? I love you.”

Joel stilled his hand on your bump, gently holding it snug while he drifted off to sleep. Neither of you knew that deep inside your belly, a tiny baby girl was growing nice and strong. Even though this pregnancy was difficult at times, that baby had no plans of leaving anytime soon. She would be the miracle and the one thing that helped you focus on fixing your marriage once and for all.

They say that life throws the most challenging curveballs when you least expect them and that sometimes those challenging events shape you into a better human being. That’s always been the story for you and Joel, and now, you both are about to enter the exciting part of your pregnancy—the one that will reshape your current Marriage Dynamics.

End of Chapter

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ridhearts · 2 years

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My Very Specific Vil Agenda

So, to put it simply: I think deep down Vil is an artiste~ and he's actually rather reserved and sweet and maybe even just a tad bit shy, BUT he's developed a sort of "big sister" complex and the industry has made him into All That.

Let me start this off by saying that I have a habit of picking a character to be a fave based on nothing but vibes and gut instinct and then forcing them, in some way, shape or form, into my Softboy Box. (More often than not they also get injected with my patented Sadboy Serum but Vil has avoided this fate….for now.) And I really don't know why, other than I just find little mushy spots in characters humanizing and fun, and also its probably a third projecting on my part. So please keep in mind that this is entirely self indulgent and what I like to keep in mind when I write Vil, I do not expect others to like or agree with it nor do I think this is genuinely canon. I tried to keep it believable but I'm here for funsies lol Disney didn't hire me to do anything so I'll go as crazy as I want!

And of course, huuuuge thanks to @scarletrain1724 for helping me with some of these thoughts! I absolutely LOVE screaming about Pomefiore with you thank you so much for not only letting me yell but also encouraging me and ALSO also elevating my thoughts to something more <3

Now, without further ado: my personal Vil characterization can be split into three genres of person or however you'd say it. He has so much sweetness inside of him I just know it!!!! It's just all encased in a spiky thorny bubble of expectations. Sour Patch Kids who? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop??

Big Sister Vil

This one was my first deep dive decision into Vil and it got me REALLY loving on him because omg????? He TOTALLY fits the Big Sister archetype if you think about it. I mean it!! Picture a Disney sitcom, and picture the older sister of the main character. What personality traits do you think they'd give her?

Bossy, and probably kind of a jerk

Super possessive over her clothes and makeup

Constantly making snide remarks about the main character

Probably more but you get my point

THIS ISN'T VIL SLANDER I PROMISE. But think about it - doesn't this fit Vil to a degree? Like he's got his firm expectations and he's constantly working, he's already achieved so much, his dorm members look up to him…and yeah, I'll be the first to say it! Sometimes he's kind of a dick about it! He's super pushy with people that he considers under his wing, he nitpicks every little imperfection he sees, and while I have not seen anything explicitly saying he does this, you think he's gonna let those unpolished potatoes touch his shit???!?! Blasphemy!!!!

But, in the way the Mean Older Sister usually comes around and becomes the MC's friends in those sitcoms, Vil has a hidden softness to him, too. Have you ever been in a club or extracurricular and the oldest person is your peer but they're kinda like the group mom? That's how I see Vil. Mom friend vibes except he's mean about it. He understands that unrelenting pursuits do not need to be aimed toward something he likes or entirely understands, and I'll bet he'll educate himself on his dorm member's interests so he can tell them they're pursuing it wrong teehee. He'll fix up an underclassman's makeup gently and send them off with a wave. He may be your biggest critic but he's also the first one to cut a bitch if they're stepping out of line. It takes a while to get there, but Vil can be that kinda naggy, kinda annoying guiding figure (and, of course, you love him anyway.)

Also, as someone with a huge bias towards good sibling tropes, it just makes me smile!! He's not fun to be around sometimes, and sometimes he'll say something that makes you think he HATES you. But deep down he cares, he's just…abrasive about it sometimes.

Inmate Number 90201 // Shy Kid Vil

DON'T BOO ME BEFORE I'VE SPOKEN!! Anyway shy vil agenda (tomatoes are thrown and a giant hook pulls me off the stage)

LISTEN….hear me out. There's a certain brand of shyness that is more reservation and less low self-esteem. Because I'm going to be honest, I know he has A Complex but I don't see truly low self esteem. I mean. I think he has kinda terrible coping methods and a toxic ideal of perfection, BUT. NOT LOW SELF-ESTEEM. So when I say he's shy, I don't mean he turns (or turned, when he was a kid) into a blubbering mess when people talked to him. I don't think he always clung to his father's pant leg when there were people at his house. I just mean that he was comfortable doing his own thing all of the time.

Now…..there is a difference between being shy and being private, especially as an adult. And to be honest, I'm not one hundred percent sure where I draw the line. But it just feels to me…Vil doesn't keep his personal information private just for safety. When he has fans lining up at the entrance of a studio or theater, waiting for him to walk by, he has to kinda brace himself for a moment. The thought of being recognized in public kinda throws him off kilter for a moment. There's no fear in this response, it's just…his comfort zone is by himself. Meeting so many new people is kind of bizarre, and the thought of them knowing so much about him is…undesirable. He isn't afraid of people not liking him, he's just…not fond of the expectation that puts on the dynamic between him and his fans. That's it, really. Vil can handle it well - he DOES handle it well - but he knows that he rather likes how practicing his lines is often a solo activity. He's fine with the independence.

THIS ALSO bleeds into the other trope I grouped in with this one……..I mean, forgive my bias against pretty much ANY industry (omg ruggie kin moment), but I refuse to believe Vil hasn't been hardened by The Industry. Who wouldn't be? Especially because (I think?) he was involved in celebrity business from a young age. So just in general, he's had to shape himself to meet the expectations of directors and choreographers and anybody else he's been employed by. We also know he is very firm about his image. It's been meticulously crafted since day one. This output does NOT come from a healthy, forgiving machine is all I'm saying.

(Also quick aside, my friend has also mentioned how its likely Vil probably had some strict teachers growing up - like ballet teachers (or maybe he was even in ballet as a kid? Was he? My brain is information soup) That type of strict tutelage can stick with you. They also said a big sticking point in ballet is control and stiffness without a loss of elegance and like that's!!! That's the stuff baby!! That's Vil!! And it would explain a lot about him~)

But Vil is intimately aware of how public perception works, and how that bleeds into the inner circles of TWST Hollywood (and vice versa!). And I'm not going to lie, I think him being a shy kid would partially explain why he's SO hardcore about….everything. I mean, imagine you're a boy who just likes acting and to mind his own business, and you're quickly rising to fame in a world where everybody wants to know everything about you just to pick it apart and call you horrible. First of all, the invasiveness is enough to give anybody nightmares, especially anybody remotely shy, but also - nobody wants to be called mean things. As a kid, he was private because he had his dad to help him stay away from giving answers he might regret later, and a part of him was probably extremely put off by how uncomfortable it all made him. But Vil has always been extraordinary, and I think he understands what a massively wonderful opportunity he's been granted where he's able to do what he loves. Vil is adamant that he's gotten his success so early in life because he worked hard and is genuinely that good, and he's right, but I don't think he's blind to the privileges he's always had access to. (Using them to his advantage is equal parts just using them and putting them to good use so they don't go to waste. One of the few rich boys I won't clown on. For now) So he rose to the challenge and pushed the growing discomfort aside, and became a bit…….colder. Over time, as he met more people and adjusted to his growing fan base, he became more and more firm in his boundaries, more strict, and more of the person he is in canon.

I'm not about to say Vil is traumatized by the industry, but I think it played a huge role in shaping who he is, and it makes sense that him being a bit more squishy as a kid is why he went SO far in the opposite direction. He's not a bad person, but he kinda overcorrected, and as a result he's kind of prickly and hard to talk to.

ALTHOUGH…….once a shy kid, always a shy kid. I think Vil's defo got some of that shy blood in him still. It's probably manifested differently at this point in his life but I bet it's THERE. If he was shy as a youngin' then I can imagine he didn't exactly have a lot of friends. Which is fine! He probably had enough. But as he got older and started climbing the social ranks, what was once shy became viewed as being snobbish, which is DEFINITELY not good for your image. And with a certain rivalry on his mind, plus I'm sure Vil hasn't landed every part he's always wanted, he began to feel true rejection for the first time. And he didn't know what to do with it, especially because it felt aimed at an intrinsic part of himself he couldn't "fix."

So he went in the other direction. Instead of keeping to himself, he made his wants and intentions (both for himself and others) clear. This also came with an added bonus: when the public has room to speculate over who you are, they will. If he gets to decide what fills in the blanks, he has a little more control over what people think of him.

Have y'all seen that tumblr post where it claims that Kristen Stewart and Jennifer Lawrence were both awkward, but one was introverted and mocked for it while the other was extroverted and praised for it? (I know that Kristen Stewart played a character that was liked less but shhhhh I'm talking about my anime boys I get to stretch the truth a little but here.) I bet that's kinda what he wants to avoid. If he puts himself out there more, he can avoid some of the mockery that might fall upon a more introverted soul.

Arthouse Hoe Vil

This one is a favorite of mine too hehe :3

So I got on this topic after talking about how the dynamic between Vil and Cater intrigues me (which……could be a whole separate post on its own but I'll save that for later). So y'all know in one of the vignettes (I belieeeeeeeeveeeee it's Vil's school uniform R card BUT don't quote me on that) Cater is trying to take a photo with Vil for Magicam clout but Vil tells him no because his face is part of his intricately curated brand? This is so FASCINATING to me because they're both in a similar sphere but are in it for vastly different reasons. Cater wants fame and attention (WHICH IT'S DEEPER THAN THAT I KNOW but this is a Vil meta and Cater will have to wait for his 15 minutes) but Vil needs to protect his brand because he wants to be able to continue what he's doing and it just implies to me that he is in it for the art of it all.

Like he cares about his image in general of course and he doesn't mind the fame I'd assume (it's probably more like a double edged sword to him tbh) but his heart is in it for the art of filmmaking and the art of modeling.

HOWEVER I feel like at some point it got…messy.

Vil is good at what he does and he's got the legacy to bolster his fame, and the films he was in stopped being cinematic art pieces and became instant blockbusters simply because they starred him. When he nodded something, it became about him and not about the clothes. And he recognizes this for sure.

Isn't that such a bittersweet thing? To be acclaimed for your art at the cost of it no longer being art and being merchandise instead?

Final Thoughts

I don't have a way to wrap "Arthouse Hoe Vil" up with a pretty little bow so I'm just moving on to my conclusion hehe~

First I wanna say that I don't think Vil is necessarily a victim of any of these things. Victimhood isn't a look he wants and I'm not trying to force him into it. irl you don't choose if you're a victim I don't mean to imply that but FOR VIL SPECIFICALLY you get what I mean But the way we turn out is influenced by so many things that I can't help but wonder about the influences he had. Vil's behavior only reads to me as a man who will do anything to avoid societal scorn. Maybe he's afraid of it, or maybe he just wants to keep up his image, I'm not sure. Maybe it's both sometimes. But he has gone through great lengths to keep up a certain act, and he will continue to do so.

Again, he's not shy in a self-conscious way, but almost in an introverted way. Keeping to himself. Comfortable with himself. Honestly this brainrot came to a head when I was talking about his relationship with his dad, and I've gotta say, I would not be surprised if the relationship Vil has with his dad is the type where they can just kinda vibe together. He holds his father in high regard and clearly they have a good relationship, but Vil's dad was frequently absent (not in a bad way) and a lot of the bonding we know about has been postcards he sent on Vil's birthday, or doing their own Beanfest thing. It just….it makes me really curious about Vil and what kind of relationships he holds dear and who he is deep down where his closest relationship that he talks frequently about is one where they are often doing their own thing. I bet when they DO see each other, they catch each other up and then just sit in the same room together sometimes. (For realsies though Vil and his dad make me SO SOFT.)

Vil doesn't HAVE to be sad. He doesn't HAVE to be this sweet, innocent kid who was beaten by the film industry until he hardened his shell and became someone unrecognizable and bad. I'm just saying I think at his core there is a soft mushy sweet boy and there are reasons his exterior is so tough. (I am totally down for sadboy Vil hours though so I'm not denouncing them, I just...idk! This post is more me poking you with a stick trying to get you to imagine lowkey shy Vil).

I think taking all of this and drawing the conclusion that he MUST be sad about it and it's ALL ruined his life is a disservice to him. Like he has his ANGST. He has issues I will learn more about come Pomefiore chapter in ENG. But all of what I just wrote isn't just fodder for his trauma, it's a deep dive exploring a potential reason WHY He Is The Way That He Is. Especially considering his dad seems….nice! Idk about his mom but he seems like he's had a good home life. And he has some really sweet moments! So what!! Why are you a little fucked up Vil. (pats chaise) let me psychoanalyze you boy

Anyway the TL;DR of it all is if Vil's fate after his graduation at NRC is him making his directorial debut with an artsy black-and-white super niche arthouse film, don't say I didn't warn ya. I'll be decked out in merch sitting right in the middle with Rook and Epel 💜god i hope any of this was coherent PLEASE

#god i have SO MANY MORE vil thoughts but I'll save those for when igni chap comes to eng #twst #twisted wonderland #vil schoenheit #twst vil #twisted wonderland vil #vil meta #is this really all the tags i can use?#nobody's gonna fuckin see this i bet alskdjfkdjf #anyway sorry this isn't written with any proper grammar #i am physically incapable of focusing on stuff like this unless i'm screaming like a mad woman the whole time #I DIDN'T EVEN GET INTO HOW SWEET HE IS INSIDE #AND HIS CONTROL OBSESSION #GOD #I'M ......#to be completely honest. if i get scared i might delete this so pls be nice to me </3 im fragil

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