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selfundiagnosed · 1 year

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why is it mean for someone to tell you you should get help? you're obviously in a lot of distress and should see someone about it for your own mental health...these 'patterns' you're leaning into are only exarcerbating your mental condition. but if you want to embrace your psychosis and go completely off the rails i guess that's your prerogative

to insinuate that a.) i dont know about my own mental state & wellbeing and you need to “tell me” because the psychosis makes it so i cant notice how it affects how i function every single day of my life b.) i need to delete my socials because of what someone else did to me to put me in this state c.) you somehow have any idea whats going on in my life, if im being treated, what symptoms im experiencing, that I legitimately cant tell ~whats real~ d.) noticing patterns doesnt mean im going off the deep rail LMFAO is all the stupidest shit ever.

for future reference, how you and the other anon are approaching someone you perceive as experiencing active psychosis is going to put people in active psychosis in danger to themselves. its funny to see random anons tell me what im experiencing and what i need to do about it to fix it when its evident from how this was approached you don’t actually care about me you just want to make yourselves feel like youre above me for whatever reason. “but if you want to embrace your psychosis and go completely off the rails i guess that's your prerogative” and “Deactivate your TikTok, delete the app and go see a psychologist” are sooo condescending. yeah deleting an app is absolutely gonna fix this problem. a diagnosis ive had since i was 15. stupid shits idek what to say like are you both actual tiktok teenagers who think they know everything about everything because get off my blog you suck so bad lmaooo sooo condescending. Im completely capable of making my own decisions im 22 lol i dont need tumblr anons i cant see telling me to do shit im doing already. i have a psychiatrist. ive been seeing him for years. i have a therapist. i saw her after my psychosis got retriggered. i know i am sick! i literally cant leave my house! when i do… i freak the fuck out! for HOURS !!! my family and friends all know how deeply this affects me and i promise you none of them have said this shit to me the way you and the “other anon” did. i stopped socializing, i havent made any new friends, i cant trust the people i do know im not close to anymore. i promise you i know WAYYY more than you about how it impacts me way more than you. my socials are the one open window i didnt put curtains on. i completely control what you all are able to see theough leaving this tiny window unclothed for the internet to look into my life. i dont need random people to see my jokes on my blog about my delusions and tell me its a delusion like im being very tongue in cheek about all of my delusional posts. i absolutely believe them but im making fun of myself for how crazy i sound.

i really have not a clue why youd think this is an appropriate way to approach it but it leads me to believe youre a tiktok user who probably thought the dude that manipulated his way into a famous persons house while she was manic was a Good Idea because clearly she wouldnt get help. lmfao its bad in so many facets. imagine if i was fully and completely immersed in my paranoia and delusions of being a targeted individual (which is the root of everything im experiencing right now): ask yourself how would you feel YOU felt targeted by a higher entity and now random anonymous people are telling you what you’re experiencing and how youre treated everyday isnt real and youre crazy. like to us its so very real and no amount of rationalizing makes it better. i have only small interactions every once in a blue moon these days that makes me think i could be okay and that im not being targeted and then every single day multiple times a day its shown to me continuously. this included! you and the “other anon” should really reevaluate how you talk to people in severe mental crisis because this is like the exact opposite of how you should react to seeing someone delusion posting or whatever and it shows me you dont know a single loved one with who experiences this shit.

in the future, fucking look into how you approach someone struggling. if i wasnt as lucid in my psychosis or in touch with reality you genuinely could have put me in danger. im going to send you and anyone on my blog watching me like im a circus act off with this so you never put anyone in my position in a state of self harm. but if youre too lazy to click on the link im showing you anyways

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underestimated-heroine · 1 year

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Not my twelfth archive post 😭

General

My turn dog video

What happened with John green was fucked up

If Wallace from Wallace and gromit died

-core "and none of you have sex"

Peggle 2

Size comparison between prehistoric animals and modern descendants

If you found out you were pregnant right now tiktok

The Minecraft poem is public domain now

Deaf culture reference post

Human pet guy

This makes me personally uncomfortable to malicious scale

Worst opening sentence competition

My fish brain want to go home video

Explain the Jewish holidays to me like I'm 5

If I was famous I'd release a bad song nct

The pigeon post

Harriet Porber

I hate you Christmas I hate you Christian hegemony

On writing plotting made simple

How to tag posts which might trigger epilepsy

Martin Bühler bike guy activism

How to search tags on Tumblr

Neil gaiman you have to practice writing

Zhao on "authors that made social media work for them"

Can you do a horse drawing reveal

2023 I hope you all kys

This post is like running through a minefield girl boy palette

The departed Matt damn Mark Wahlberg different people

On writing - writing is a skill practicing descriptions advice

2022 Tumblr Year in Review Month By Month

What data Tumblr live takes

Good fucking Lord quit sex-shaming people

I hate job hunting - wait did Anne Boleyn die? post

Share your genome sequence in ur bio

On writing: Plot Structure infograph

Finally some actually constructive criticism on a post

Jewish Concept of Lashon Hara

Riverdale banned fanfiction?

"everything's fine" knitting pattern

Mitch and bitch story

"I'll let this white girl say it since very few people listen when we do" mental illness social currency tiktok

Pornbot dms comic

Atla southern raiders were looking for hama

Why you hating on the red hot chili peppers longboarding across campus world heritage post ask

Harry Potter Legacy Chick Fil-A

Why is the US like that (Christian cults)

Ratatouille rogan Shapiro video idek

No doesn't exist on the internet anymore

"I forgive myself for doing that" and "I shouldn't have done that" can coexist

The US did not come together during the pandemic

If someone told me they felt like Harry Potter after we had sex

Anti-aging outrage post idek

Anime "is this the episode where he lost his house"

Ancient people fish with the sexy tits tiktok

Scooby Doo post "I've heard people say this website is free but you pay in other ways"

repeat after me: rest for art

Beautiful by ordinary days comic

Glaze comes out data-poisoning against art thieves

Reylo Lord farquad

Hippo post

Do not stand over my grave and weep poem comic

Monty Python Lady of the Lake quote 💀💀

Cops searched afroman's house and then tried to sue him for making a music video of the search

Fairy tail's strongest team freaks rating

Personal

Loid Anya younger than he thinks

Support voice actors

Black and white movies gripe

AU were race horses

My Nasha hair headcanon

Fairy tail AU where Juvia joined ft first

Gajevy vs. Gruvia

When this website was obsessed with astrology

Iconic spy x panel finally animated

The irony of picky eaters

Gray loved being in Juvia's body

Pops & Mops

Lake mungo Joel Anderson legend

Lamborghini-sized breasts and pills

2023 is cockdickpenis year

"um yeah that's called an addiction" fuck off

Google thinks I'm being bullied for baby names

Fandom influencer types -_-

This website defending the reputation of bees

Shrek "I need a hero scene" dad looks like he's watching a car wreck

Scrimp scrive fuck around

Sailor moon redraw redeaw

Laxus Jellal BrOTP

Comedian vs. rich housewife video

Jan 4 2023 antiwork screenshots

I wanted Natsu to beg for forgiveness

Rankin bass Rudolph

Don't take your managers on good faith. Ever.

Gray Fullbuster to an enemy

Pornbot "how dare you block me" dream

Goodbad boy (yes it's tod)

Rieklings

Fairy Tail Chasing Tails fic

Poll vampires werewolves etc.

Fairy Tail Gendercross Big4 Guys

#you've underestimated the heroine #refback #squirr3d away #video #tiktok

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helloamhere · 3 years

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Oh thank you for the heads up, I’d love to make sure I have your beautiful writing downloaded (for personal use only of course, I would never repost). I don’t mean to pry but does this mean you’re thinking of leaving the fandom or don’t want to write Larry anymore? I’ve so enjoyed your writing and it will be a real loss if you leave (though of course you must do what is best for you). I hope you’re well! Xx.

Thank you so much for the kind words!! xoxo I'll still be here on tumblr for sure! Where else am I going to get my shrieking reaction gifs and memes and cottage pictures!!

Honestly I didn't intend this to be a big old leaving announcement -- this hobby still brings me so much joy -- that's not really my plan. I have slid more and more out of this fandom/thinking about larry plots, but that's not been a plan as much as a quiet transition. I still love the versions of these characters I like to write but the fandom doesn't feel very active for me, ya know (overall, sending nothing but love to the specific creators I still follow and see gorgeous work from) .

Perhaps planning on writing more broadly for other fandoms if I maintain the space to write fic. Lately it's been hard, there's a lot going on in my life!

Really what started to freak me out? Was I've followed a number of stories about recent authors who have had old fanfic of theirs dug up and have gotten super harassed about it? I know that it's probably DEEPLY paranoid to ever worry about something like that. It's so far from a possibility in my life. Yet it got under my skin. And it just KEPT getting under my skin. (still tho, while I would be wretchedly embarrassed to have, say, people in my professional life know I've written these stories....I still LOVE my fics lol so I am hopeful that nothing in them would really be that bad. Lord I do not want to explain ABO to my mom tho). Some of my professional writing is getting more and more out there. As it does, I've just been on a big personal journey to ask: Look. HOW serious are you about wanting to publish original fiction? Do you really want to take writing more seriously and if so, why are you spending hundreds of thousands of words on fic? And you know. I deeply love and cherish that we have created a non-monetized creative community here. It has given me so damn much. I am grateful. But STILL, fic kind of pulls that energy away from original fiction. I started to feel weird about it. Again, I love these stories? I am profoundly grateful for the community here? I WANT to share things? But then as I'm doing a lot of original fiction writing, I'm starting to come back to similar passages or turns of phrase or scenes. I can hear myself try to work out the same themes I write in fic. I wonder if I've poured too much of my own thinking into fic. I've been chewing over whether I would need to delete my longer fics if I ever tried to pitch original fiction, because I've seen people get hammered for that too. This is one of the reasons I don't like orphaning fic, because losing that ability to control it and have authorship to it feels wrong to me somehow. Particularly with how much negative scrutiny 1D fandom comes under, I don't know. I also though, hey, most of the people who would've read my fic already have. Fic doesn't get a lot of new readers once you post it--at least not for me! So I just started to feel really anxious about all of it. What was the benefit if I'd already shared it once, of keeping it up? What if I accidentally repeat myself in ways that tie me to this fic? Or worse, what if I worked something out in a fic and I can't replicate it in my fiction and I shouldn't have "spent" it on my fic? (I know creativity probably doesn't work that way but....the fear!) Should I have really taken a story like TMOP, which I felt so deeply connected to and spent so much intellectual thought on, and should I really have just dumped it online? IDEK. I worry that all this sounds self-aggrandizing. I know my fic are imperfect and nowhere near the quality I ask of myself in other domains. But I still love this writing and these ideas. I want to value it. Again, I'm cognizant that this might be totally wild thinking re: getting punished for having fic out there, but I also just feel so much anxiety over writing, creation, and my own work right now. After going through the last year facing a lot of hostility and bias in my job and having a lot of my own professional work taken away from me, I feel like my mind is full of the need to protect and own the things I've created.

I suppose it's just a pervasive feeling of vulnerability that continues to dig into me right now! Even sharing all of this, well -- this wasn't exactly what you were asking for, but I suppose it's nice to chat about. I feel in community with the readers who have given me so much, but also, kind of......lonely lately, when I think about my fic. I don't know how other fic authors feel around here. It can be a lot, can't it? Still taking the decision slow and wanted to send an early warning. So I'll be back and share more advance notice if I do pull the trigger on it, I am not going to chop anything down without telling you again <3

#that's the long and short of it!!!#personal #the life and times of helloamhere #honestly if other creators feel these struggles I would love to chat about how we all deal #the world is hard and monetizing creative work is hard #love to you all #this is all really imperfect and raw and messy #I'm sorry

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moral-turpitudes · 4 years

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Butterflies 🦋: Part 1

A/N: Tumblr is a bitch so I had to re-upload this lol. Idek why I wrote this but I had an idea about butterflies and I just went with it. Sorry if the ending is a bit lame but I hope you enjoy this cute shit. There will be a Part 2 soon.

Trigger Warnings: Angst, Tooth-rotting Fluff, Mentions of neglect, and Swearing.

Word Count: 2,435

Characters: Bonnie Gold x Reader

+ I also made Esmeralda have more of an appearance as well and mentioned his younger sister a tiny bit since they absolutely failed at acknowledging them in the show lol.

Summary: Y/n leaves her hometown after she and Bonnie learn they’re going to be parents. But after getting news of some urgent blinder business, Bonnie’s priorities shift as he prepares for his next mission by Tommy, and as he prepares for his new life with Y/n.

Requested: No

Part 1 | Part 2

Y/n never thought that she’d leave Small Heath, knowing that the very city she was born in was nothing but trouble. She was like a butterfly trapped in a cocoon that wouldn’t budge, wanting to go off and live and do as she pleased without facing the hollow shell of her parents that awaited her at home.

But she never thought she’d get that chance so soon, until she met him. The brown haired boxer boy who came in with stars in his eyes to where she was working on sewing the fighters robes at the ring, asking if she’d do some repairs to his. She always stayed after hours to get time away from her parents, causing her to have more run-ins with him than she could count. And little did she know, he’d tear a small hole in his robe on purpose every now and then just to get the chance to stay after with her and talk, and ultimately walk her home after the sun went down.

The two quickly started dating after a couple more of his boxing matchups, causing a jealous stir in the crowd of girls that she’d always seen sitting up front. But in a flash, she and the infamous Bonnie Gold had been going steady for a full year now. During this whirlwind of a year, she found out she was pregnant with his child and they both, along with his father’s insistence, decided that having her move in would be good for the both of them considering the circumstances back at home and the fact that they had a new addition coming.

But because this was Small Heath, and because nothing ever happened without the blinders coming into any conversation, the town quickly knew of them, along with the growing tensions between outside gangs and the blinders. There had been explosions and chaos ever since the other gangs stepped foot in Small Heath, and they no doubt stalked the boxing rings while the blinders were there, which was making it more risky for her to stay there as Bonnie had been working with the blinders as of late. And everyone in town knew full well that anyone who carried a razor-blade cap also often carried a possible death sentence.

Y/n shuddered at the thought as she reminisced on how she got here. She hated he was working for them, but she wanted to support his dreams nonetheless. As she shook herself from her thoughts, she laid in the back of the vardo, watching the sunlight streaming into the wooden structure. The inside was painted a dark green color, much like the vast expanse of trees surrounding the spot they all stopped at. As she looked up aimlessly, she marveled at the intricate gold-painted wood details that lined the inside of the space, nicely contrasting with the rich colors of the various curtains and small decorations hanging from the windows. As her eyes wandered, she saw the small drawers and a lamp that was resting on the wooden flooring, and a rug with floral patterns and golden thread weaved throughout, taking up the majority of the space.

As she took in her new surroundings, she heard the voices of Bonnie and his father Aberama talking with some people outside. They were voices she didn’t fully recognize.

Y/n stepped out carefully, the fall air creeping up around her dress as she walked down towards them. On her way over, Bonnie’s sister - and her new best friend, stopped her and pulled her gently to the side over by where her and her other sister were setting up breakfast.

“Hey y/n, let me know what Bon says when he gets done meeting with them, I hate him getting involved in that blinder business.” She said, skeptically looking out at them talking with a stone-faced man with two others behind him. They all had their razor-blade caps on, including Bonnie. Y/n knew the men they were talking to as Bonnie had mentioned them before, back when he had just started working with them. She had also met them at plenty of his boxing matches over the year.

“I know Esmeralda. But I’ve met them enough to know they’re not all that bad, but I’ll have a talk with him. Promise.” Y/n said hugging her.

She walked over carefully, draping a hand over her small bump she had forming under her blue dress. The blinders looked over and Bonnie and his dad followed suit, Bonnie tensing a bit as she made her way over. He watched her with a sweet smile, desperately trying to hide the strain in his eyes as he had been told some news about the gangs.

“Good morning love. Sorry for keeping you waiting.” He said as she put her arm around his waist, leaning her head on his shoulder.

“What I was saying Mr. Gold, was that we’ll need you both in Small Heath by 9 tomorrow. We have to be ready.” The stone-faced man, Tommy Shelby said to Aberama quietly.

Y/n observed the others and saw that they looked a bit uncomfortable, their trigger-fingers itching for action as usual. But no blood would be spilled, not here anyways.

She felt Bonnie relax as they said goodbye to them, the two of them watching as they walked off towards their cars that were glistening in the sunlight.

“What was that about Bon?” She asked as he walked with her back to where everyone was gathering for breakfast.

“I’ll tell ya later. It’s nothing for you to worry about now love.” He said pulling out a chair for her to sit at and then fixing himself and y/n some of what Esmerelda had cooked.

Y/n tried her best to eat as the morning sickness was more prevalent than in the previous weeks. But she ended up running off anyways to bring it up once again, frustrated at not being able to keep anything down. After getting herself under control, she wandered off to the creek nearby to rest, loving the sounds of the water rushing amongst the trees.

Bonnie sat for a moment fumbling with a small ring in his pocket while talking quietly to his father about the plans for tomorrow. His father noticed and winked as he took it out to glance at it, it was Bonnie’s late mothers ring, but Aberama made sure to keep it for him when he found “the one.” As he talked about his plans, he couldn’t shake the thoughts of y/n and how she was doing, so he excused himself, hastily shoving the ring back in his pocket, and running towards where she went off to.

Bonnie knew she was having a hard time adjusting to being away from her family, while also not wanting to go back. Her family were like ghosts in a way, they were present, but were never available when she needed them. They never once offered to meet him nor did they take their daughter seriously when she told them her news, and when she left they barely muttered a goodbye.

As he walked into the forested area he remembered that day and how she was sad to leave the town she grew up in, but seeing her finally open up once she was out of the confines of her house was one of his favorite moments. In his eyes she was like a butterfly bursting from a cocoon, ready to see what this new life had to offer. She had always been fragile in a sense, but at the same time so strong which he admired her for.

He heard her crying as he saw her sitting by the creek in the distance.

Slowly walking down towards her, he saw her stand up, wiping away the last of her tears on her hands.

“Y/n? Love are you okay?” He asked quietly, not wanting to startle her.

She turned around and smiled weakly, more tears falling reluctantly to the ground.

She immediately hugged him to her, letting the rest of the tears fall that she had held in for so long.

“What’s wrong love? You can tell me ya know...” he said patting her back gently.

She looked up as he wiped some of the stray tears from her face and sighed.

“I guess I’m just frustrated. I’m frustrated that I can’t eat, and I’m frustrated that you have to go and get involved in all these things for Tommy and them. You all are basically my only family now and I just don’t want you all to get hurt.” She said.

Bonnie pulled her closer to him and kissed her forehead and sighed, looking out at the trees as their branches swayed around them. What he would give to not have to do the things he did, he just wanted to box and to be able to support her but he had to do what he had to in order to keep them safe. Even it meant killing people.

“I’m doing this for us love, you know that right? I know what I’m doing, and so does my dad. No one will hurt you. I promise.” He said.

“Why were they telling you to meet them tomorrow? What was all that about Bon? I doubt it’s about boxing.” She said, a bit of anger taking over as she undid herself from his grasp and sat on a nearby tree stump.

“It’s about the gangs y/n...they’re planning to attack him and have already blown up one of his supply yards and they need our help. He wanted to come to tell us his plan. We’re leaving at 8 tomorrow to meet him, just me and my dad and a couple of the lads.” He said.

“I’m going.” Y/n said looking away from him.

He came over and sat by her, putting his arms around her as she leaned into him.

“As much as I want you to, I can’t let you sweetheart. You need to stay here where it’s safe, because none of them know we’re out here, Tommy made sure of it. It’s not just you I’m thinking about anymore you know. I need you, and I need you both safe.” He said placing a hand on her small bump, as she placed her hand over his, sighing in defeat.

“I guess you’re right, but you better come back so help me god.” She said and got up. Bonnie smirked and joined her as they walked back. A pretty blue butterfly fluttering past, making him smile.

“What’re you smiling at?” She asked smirking as their steps crunched the leaves that were beginning to blanket the ground.

“Did you see that butterfly going past?” He asked.

“No, I was too busy looking at you.” She said smirking as she held his hand.

He grinned. “Well, I was just thinking about how you remind me of it. Beautiful, yet fragile in the best of ways.” He said.

“In what ways am I fragile? Do I look like a mirror or a glass vase or something?” She asked laughing.

“No my love, you’re just fragile in the sense that you’re precious and I’d never want to hurt you. You care so much about everyone and it’s one of the reasons I love you, and why I’m so glad you’re going to be the mother of my child. I mean that...you’re strong and you’ve always been the one to help me out and put up with all my shit for so long. I just want to be able to help you for once. I want you to know that I care about you and that no matter what I’ll always be there for you.” He said stopping and looking down at her.

Y/n smiled and looked up at him, feeling like she could stare at him forever if life permitted.

“I love you too. And I care about you more than you know. We care about you more than you know.” She said cradling her stomach.

“We just want you to be safe, we just want you to come back to us.” She said quietly and walking ahead.

“Y/n...I’ll always come back to you, and with this I definitely will.” He said as he fished for the small ring in his pocket.

Y/n turned around to see him on one knee holding the diamond ring shakily.

“Will ya marry me at least? I’m 100% sure I’d come back knowing you’re the one wearing this.” He asked cheekily.

Y/n stopped and smiled.

“Bonnie fucking Gold are you serious?” She asked stretching out her hand for him to put it on.

“C’mon is it a yes?” He asked as she looked at the ring.

“You could’ve proposed with a piece of string tied together and I would’ve said yes! of course I’ll marry you.” She said smirking and bringing him in for a kiss.

Not soon after, they made their way back to camp and y/n immediately went over to Esmeralda.

“So what’d he say? Oh my god why are you so happy?” She asked raising an eyebrow and sitting down with a cup of tea.

Y/n took a deep breath and told her, no matter the outcome, it had to be said.

“He said they’re going to help the blinders with some peaky business...I tried to tell him I’d go with him and he said no because they’re going to take down a gang that’s been fucking Tommy over. And despite my protests he said it was unsafe for both me and the baby. Anyways, that means it’s me and you running this place until they get back....” Y/n said looking off to see Aberama hugging Bonnie, congratulating him.

“Okay...and that’s a good thing?” She asked as you smiled.

“Well no, I obviously don’t want them to go, but we’d get the place to ourselves for a couple of days, save the couple of others around. Maybe then we could start planning...” Y/n said.

“Planning for wh-“ Esmeralda stopped short as Y/n slowly held her hand up.

“Oh my god yes! I was going to whack him upside the head if he didn’t do it soon. I’m so happy for you! We’re definitely planning this wedding.” She said giving y/n a hug.

Bonnie came over after their little convo and sat with them around the fire, his arm around Y/n’s shoulders as she curled up next to him. As much as she feared for him leaving tomorrow, she believed he’d come back to her, and no matter what happened he’d always make sure his family was safe.

#katiesfics #peaky blinders #peaky blinders fanfic #peaky blinders imagines #peaky blinders oneshots #bonnie gold #aberama gold #golden boi ✨#bonnie gold imagines #bonnie gold fanfic #bonnie gold oneshots

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goddamnmuses-a · 4 years

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Long ooc post about just my thoughts and stuff, it’s long and doesn’t matter so feel free to not read.

First off.. Writing this after writing a lot of this because it goes places.. This is not some like attention seeking “i hate myself i wanna die, i might kill myself, would anyone care if i just left” thing that i see some people doing, I just wanted to get thoughts out. I’m not deleting this blog ever, I’m around until I die i think but yeah..

I have this really strange kind of.. issue. It’s stupid really but I feel like I should voice it somewhere instead of just keeping things to myself, feel free to ignore this and carry on I’m just gonna ramble from the heart.

But.. yeah I think I might be a bit bipolar, one moment I’m happy and then I’m just like urgh and im drained of energy and struggle to talk ooc to people or when im doing a reply i hit a point and im like just so drained that my reply ends up being sorter than I’d like it to be because I can’t find the words something, probably doesn’t help that I’m dyslexic, or I’m just drained and I know if I leave it the post will just end up staying in my drafts forever so I try to get my reply done anyway even if it’s not much.

I also push people away sometimes despite myself, I don’t know what it is, I think it comes from the fact I have had great friends on here who have just suddenly vanished and not really been around since. In a few cases they just made a new blog and told a select group of people and I guess I wasn’t special enough.

Back when I was Goddamndeadpool I was a few people’s exclusive Deadpool’s which was always nice but even then, sometimes the above would happen and I’d eventually find their new blog through just luck and see them roleplaying with some other Deadpool and I’d just feel replaced.

I have no idea why I’m sharing this, therapy I guess *shrug*

I used to have like a group, where we could all reference each others characters and stuff but sometimes I just kind of feel like a side thing to everyone, like everyone has their faves and then like I’m just also there to the side.

Oh crap I’m going to go into some real life shit which I don’t tend to do on here but In school, well like near the end of school, my friends all had a party and I was the only one who wasn’t invited and I guess since then I just have this like feeling of being an outsider even when people are friendly and really nice towards me.

I know I probably make some people feel the same way too, I know theres times I’ve gone to do a reply and just felt drained so I’ve gone “I’ll do it later” and drafted it and like I said earlier it ends up staying in my drafts and the longer it’s there the less I’m feeling it until it’s been ages and I don’t even know what the posts really about anymore and so I have to get rid of it.

I know I have mutuals who play characters from things I’ve never seen and have no interest in watching at all, yet I try and rp with everyone who wants to because I remember what it was like starting out and just trying to get people to rp with you and trying to get follows.

I got lucky when I started, I started a little while before the Deadpool movie came out, there was very few Deadpools but a lot of people didn’t really know who he was which is insane to think now but yeah, so i had the struggle but then the movie came out and suddenly i didn’t have to worry about it but since then I always try and give everyone a chance.

Idek what I’m writing anymore here or why I’m writing this, I just wanted to air some shit because I’m all over the place. I miss my rp family who no longer rp, I miss those friends I made when I was new to tumblr who gave me a chance and are now all inactive and have been for like 4 years.

Idk wtf this is I’m just gonna end this here before I ramble for another 10000000 words about absolutely nothing that matters. If you read this I guess, thanks? You don’t need to like come and say anything to me about it, it genuinely will make no difference, nothings changing around here, this was just.. random ooc stuff i felt like I had to just blurt out randomly.

#ooc

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ofberkleys · 4 years

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╰ ♡ MUSE 24, JODIE COMER, CIS FEMALE ┊ have you seen NORA BERKLEY-YATES around hillston? the 25 year old is said to be a WAITRESS at the HILLSTON YACHT CLUB. the neighbours would say that they’re ATTENTION SEEKING and SELF ABSORBED, but they’re actually ENCHANTING and GREGARIOUS. SHE often reminds people of bitten lips, bambii eyes and stumbling around is a pair of heels. watch out, though. you wouldn’t believe that SHE ACTS AS A SUGAR BABY FOR MARRIED MEN IN THE COUNTRY CLUB. ( echo, 22, gmt, she/her )

when you finally get around to watching killing eve and fall in love. hi, i’m echo and this is my intervention. it’s been a hot few months since i was in a tumblr rp because university got me all busy but life is cancelled so here i am. very excited to be here bc i have a weird love for family rps. idek why.

moving onto nora. (TW: prostitution, self injury, drugs)

nora berkley-yates was born nora snyder to a single mother who lived in a small trailer park. nora’s mother was a junkie and to both feed her habit and keep the lights on she became a prostitute. nora spend most nights alone, craving attention, as she watched her mother bring back all sorts of men. so she’d try to do things to get her mothers attention like curse at her and at one point: break her own arm just to see what her mother would do. nothing worked.

when nora was eight years old she got taken into foster care when a neighbour reported what had been going on. during that time she had been bounced around for a little while, the reason for her moving on always being along the lines of “she needs a kind of attention we can’t give” or “we’re unable to care for a child with such strong emotional needs” nora was seeking what she was lacking all those years and that came to fruition when she met the berkley-yates’. at first she assumed it would be another temporary arrangement but something was different. they genuinely cared.

of course in a house with multiple children, nora did end up back to her old tricks. she’d kick, scream, at one point she even jumped off a playground set at the park. the berkley-yates still wanted her. so they adopted her and she was thrilled. she loved them. as nora got into being a teenager this attention-seeking behaviour manifested itself in partying and to some extent, bullying others. she could be really catty and vicious.

she went to a local college to study business but found to course boring. when she graduated her fathers set her up with a waitressing job at the country club. she hated it at first. all the fancy-pants men and their stepford wives, getting stared at by every single one of her male customers. and then....came the baby.

that stupid baby. a child actually related to her dads. she didn’t like it. once again she felt abandoned. despite the fact that she wasn’t a little girl anymore. the day after she found out, a married man made a pass at her at the club and for the first time, she flirted back. what started with one man soon became two, then three. they’d buy her things and give her money she didn’t need, but that wasn’t her prize, her prize was the attention. she loved it and the fact these men were choosing her over their wives and in return all she had to do was flatter their egos. she rarely even slept with them. but she knows it’s not right. does that mean she’ll stop? not a chance.

thanks for coming to my ted talk. i really look forward to writing with you all. i’ve brainstormed some possible connects down below but feel free to message me if you can think of anything else. i’m super open to anything.

POSSIBLE CONNECTIONS

married man she’s seeing

someone who’s noticed her behaviour

someone she was petty to in high school

someone who is genuinely interested in her but she doesn’t even see them

family member of someone that she’s seeing

coffee bud who shouldn’t condone her behaviour but does

literally anything!

#hillston.intro #prostitution tw #drugs tw #self injury tw

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queerhoodies · 4 years

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oh gosh ive tried to “comeback to tumblr” so many times but i never stay here for more than 10 minutes. and i used to spend so. many. hours. on tumblr. when andi mack ended i kinda quit (even tho the fandom wasn’t as dead) the idea of not having my emotional support show anymore hurted and i didn’t wanted to be reminded of it. but now i just really really miss everything. idek what my point in writing this was but uhh please don’t mind me if i start liking or reblogging old stuff or talking about old times i’m just really emotional right now

[ probably nobody’s gonna read this or care but i felt the need of saying something ?🤦‍♀️]

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spider-bih · 5 years

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Eleven Minutes.. [Peter Parker]

Pairing: Peter Parker x Female!Reader

Warnings: My angst has bust in full force thanks- flashbacks in italics in case thats confusing

A/N: I’m alive??? Works killer n i miss this crai- also, doing page breaks a diff way bc tumblr mobile refuses to show page breaks smh. No, I have not seen Endgame or any leaked footage so this contains no spoilers, (I did see it, since this was edited and made before and after Endgame, however, this will atill contain no spoilers and will continue in how I thought it would end <3) just vague mentions of IW and what an aftermath might be like idek

❝I’ᴍ ᴇʟᴇᴠᴇɴ ᴍɪɴᴜᴛᴇs ᴀᴡᴀʏ, ᴀɴᴅ I ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴍɪssᴇᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʟʟ ᴅᴀʏ..❞

You assumed you shouldn’t be doing this, what with your state of emotions but.. if you didn’t, you weren’t sure if these emotions would ever settle. You had to have closure, even if the outcome wasn’t what you expected or wanted. Hell, you were barely sure what you even wanted out of this. What was the point? What was there to even gain anymore? Why were you lying to yourself when you knew you still wanted this?

There was so much you’d put up with on your end- and sure, maybe you had no right to complain. You knew what you were getting into those few years ago. You knew who he was and how he was, but still. You hoped you’d get him to see reason. You knew you would-

A teenager shouldn’t have to go through all that. Not even an adult should, but of course, perhaps an adult could better process it. An adult wouldn’t struggle so hard, and that’s only because their brains aren’t still working to fully develop themselves and the body they inhabit. Struggling with something so hard so young.. it does things to you and those around you. It does things to your relationships.

Funnily enough, the same could be said of a teen simply having a romantic relationship at all. Yet, the latter doesn’t have you bearing the weight of the world upon your still growing shoulders.

You struggled to hold that weight with him. Nights filled with the metallic scent and taste of blood were the norm. Those nights always felt panicky or hurt- those nights always caused arguments and overpowering feelings of helplessness. You weren’t built to be a damsel in distress, but you knew your limits. He surpassed them, but even he had his own, and as much as you wished they were endless, they weren’t. That night when he didn’t come home- that day when all the world saw was ash.. that was almost the final straw. How crazy is it that it wasn’t?

That months of mourning and horrific questions and theories, wasn’t entirely the cause of this? Months of staring out your window and just hoping he was lost and not.. gone. So much time spent feeling like you could have prevented it somehow- and feeling like you didn’t savor enough of the good moments. The hand holding, the sweet kisses and sweet murmurs of affection under stars- none of it felt like enough. Not enough to sate you or make you feel like yourself..

❝I’ᴍ sᴏ ғᴜᴄᴋɪɴ sᴏʀʀʏ, I’ᴍ sᴏ ғᴜᴄᴋɪɴ sᴏʀʀʏ..❞

Seeing his face again was almost like having whiplash- only ten times worse.

You’d only dreamt of seeing him again, of getting to touch him and feel his hands holding you close. Only in your dreams did you get to feel like.. he had never left. You wanted to punch him, but you also wanted to hug him. All you could settle for was breaking down. Your knees gave out from under you, and he caught your crumpling form, allowing you to thrash at him because he was sure he deserved it. You both knew he didn’t, but feelings never really align with logic. Feelings do as they pleased, especially when they decided to consume you.

You cried until you couldn’t- until your throat was scratchy and your body felt weak.

“I’m sorry..”, he tells you, and you just shake your head.

“I am too.”

He doesn’t know, and maybe he never will, but the sorry wasn’t for hitting him. It wasn’t for him having to see you like this. It was because he was one of many, that had to watch themselves go- only his was worse. You were sure his senses screamed at him, that his powers tried to alert him and or stop it all, but they failed. He had to feel himself wither away, and you could only imagine what that might feel like for a Junior in High School. For a growing young man.

“I broke my promise though. I want you to know I never meant to and you were all I could-”

“Please.”, you cut him off as quick as you could, “Please, I just.. you’re here now and I.. I don’t want to think of any of that..”

“Okay. I understand.”, he says, and he does. No one wants to be told they were the last thing to be thought of. True, it means well but.. no one wants to lose someone. They don’t want to think of their lats thoughts or last words. They just want them with them, alive and well. He did his best to give you that.

“Thank you.”

❝Yᴇᴀʜ, I’ᴠᴇ sᴇᴇɴ ʏᴏᴜ ɪɴ ᴍʏ ʜᴇᴀᴅ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏ ғᴜᴄᴋɪɴ’ ᴅᴀʏ sɪɴᴄᴇ I ʟᴇғᴛ. Yᴏᴜ ᴏɴ ᴛʜᴇ ғʟᴏᴏʀ ᴡɪᴛʜ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʜᴀɴᴅs ʀᴏᴜɴᴅ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʜᴇᴀᴅ..❞

Days were hard and nights were long. He wasn’t sure what he was thinking that night. He just knew he had to fix this, his gut was telling him he needed to fix this. You walked through hell with him, held his hand while the whole world was engulfed in flames and he had the utter audacity to let you go? To let you slip through his fingers when you were doing your best to stay? To help?

He was in the wrong and he was sure of it. He was wrong for expecting none of his life to affect you. For allowing himself to think that because you’re not experiencing anything he has firsthand, that you had no room to say anything. You’d watched him get beat down- get damn near killed on a few occasions. Fuck- you even lost him once. You went entire hours and days and weeks and months just.. without him. Not from a break up or vacation or something normal. For you, he was dead, and something like that is horrifically traumatic at best, even if he was here now. No amount of promises can fix that. There will always be that bit of fear stuck in you, and you had every right to keep it there.

You have every right to tell him what you told him- to ask what you’ve asked.

He had no right to say what he said, and he’ll regret it his whole life long.

How could he say he didn’t need you? Lie right to your heartbroken face and get mad that you asked him to just once stop? To live for himself- to come home unscathed?

The broken look in your eyes absolutely broke him.. the sad soft tone to your voice- and then the anger. The bottled up rage and hurt, the venom in your words had absolutely paralyzed him, and then, in the silence, in the aftermath, he saw what he had done. He felt it when he woke up alone, warm sun on his back, but no warm body next to him. Soon the very scent of you was gone, your perfume no longer lingered, your clothes weren’t mixed in with his laundry basket- nothing. There was no trace of you.

It was a type of lonely he’d hoped to never experience. May stopped asking for you and only looked at him with sadness when you were mentioned. He never told her a thing- he assumed she figured it out, or maybe you told her.. he wasn’t sure.

He just needed you back, at any cost.

❝Aɴᴅ I’ᴍ ᴅᴏᴡɴ ᴀɴᴅ ᴅᴇᴘʀᴇssᴇᴅ, ᴀʟʟ I ᴡᴀɴᴛ ɪs ʏᴏᴜʀ ʜᴇᴀᴅ ᴏɴ ᴍʏ ᴄʜᴇsᴛ..❞

“Oh, so you don’t need me, huh?”, you say, your voice is soft but tight, and he knows what’s going to happen next. He knows you well enough- he’s only taken in every last bit of you he could since he was sixteen. Only ever loved you since he learned what that was- what it really was. He liked to think you and him were the anomaly- a tiny percentage of teens that did know what love was..

“No. I-”

“You don’t? So you didn’t need me patching you up all those times so May wouldn’t lose her shit? So she wouldn’t flip the fuck out at her only nephew- at her only boy, risking his life constantly? Didn’t need me when you were as good as dead to the fucking world and May was so lost? Not last night when you were screaming in pain and couldn’t go to Tony because even he would tell you to cut the shit and let someone else handle it?!”

“He wouldn’t-”

“He would! You’re not doing this for the same reasons anymore! It’s not for your Uncle or May or even me! It’s only for you! Just for you because you’re still scarred from what happened and refuse to be beaten by anyone! You don’t want to feel helpless but fuck- think about how everyone else feels! We-”

“You’re all alive aren’t you?! Well and okay and safe, aren’t you?! I am doing it-”

“NO!”, you scream, and he goes quiet. The anger in him seems to just fizzle out. You’ve never screamed at him that way- the fire in your voice- the look in your eyes. It was torture.

“No.”, you hiss, “No we’re not okay. May is far from okay and I’m right with her. You’re throwing yourself at danger- you’re getting careless. The biggest threat to us all is gone Peter. He’s not coming back. He’s not in any of the villains you’ve fought. He won’t be in any future ones. You can relax- but you won’t. This fear is eating at you. You’re scared and you won’t even admit it anymore.”

“I’m not scared. I’m fine and I really don’t need you on my case about this. You’re better off leaving if you think I’m gonna stop. Go move on like you did when you thought I was gone.” The last part was a low blow and he knew it. You couldn’t know when he was coming back or if he was. It wasn’t even moving on. It was just doing what you could to not be drowned every waking moment of every day. Even if it meant laughing like nothing went wrong- like there was no gaping hole in your chest.

Even if it was with what friends you had left, even if, in the moment, it looked like you’d never missed him. Yes, he realized he was wrong when you gasped how you did. When you cried instantly and threw yourself into him- but some evil and minuscule voice in his head said it was lie. Though, that itself, was a huge lie.

“I can’t believe you’d-”

“Believe it.”, he had said, and by God he wishes he hadn’t.

❝Sᴏ ᴄᴀʟʟ ᴍᴇ sᴛᴜᴘɪᴅ, ᴄᴀʟʟ ᴍᴇ sᴀᴅ, ʏᴏᴜ’ʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴇsᴛ I’ᴠᴇ ᴇᴠᴇʀ ʜᴀᴅ. Yᴏᴜ’ʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴏʀsᴛ I’ᴠᴇ ᴇᴠᴇʀ ʜᴀᴅ, ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴋᴇᴇᴘs ғᴜᴄᴋɪɴ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴍʏ ʜᴇᴀᴅ..❞

You never answer to unknown numbers. If they weren’t in your contacts and no one was set to call, they weren’t worth answering. Something in you had told you to answer the phone and for once- just once, you did. You almost hung up when your first few ‘Hello’s gained you no response. You didn’t know that sound of your voice sent him into shock for a moment or so. It had been so long since he heard it. He spoke so fast too, a nervous tick of his. Speedy and stuttery. It’s how he always had been, and you half-hated half-enjoyed the way it made your heart do flips in your chest. Butterflies rose up in you and you felt like a teen again.

It was insane how after all this time he still had you like that. How you knew his apologies were sincere and how you had missed him so so very much. he had missed you too- he was practically dying without.

“I’m like.. eleven minutes away from you by my webs I just- please. I want to see you- I want to talk this out. That was a low blow and I.. I was so wrong, about it all. I could use a break- I should have taken one- should have thought more of you and May when I was out doing what I was doing. I.. I don’t know about putting up the mask forever but.. I don’t need to fight everything. I sure as hell don’t need to fight you.. please.”, he had said.

“Okay but.. you’re only eleven minutes away from me if I keep driving like this for.. ha, eleven minutes. You’ll be farther if I just stop.”, you tease, just cause you could. You’d earned that much.

“... I’ll swing for a half hour- even longer just.. I miss you. I-.. god, please. I mean I understand but.. please..”

You sigh softly, unable to deny that you wanted this too, “I didn’t stay I’d stop driving. I’ll see you there.”

He lets out a breathy laugh of relief, “Great. I.. I’ll be there. Promise.”

“See you soon.”

❝Yᴏᴜ’ʀᴇ ᴇʟᴇᴠᴇɴ ᴍɪɴᴜᴛᴇs ᴀᴡᴀʏ, sᴏ ᴡʜʏ ᴀʀᴇɴ’ᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴇʀᴇ?❞

“Maybe I deserve this..”, Peter sighed into his mask, overlooking the city from where he was perched. He had Karen keeping an eye out for you or your car. You had said eleven minutes. Karen detected one traffic incident but it was a route you never took. It was shorter, but accidents were frequent there. He didn’t dare look into what might be involved in that traffic incident. Not just because he didn’t want to be tempted to go check it out- but also because he knew his luck. He knew yours. He didn’t want to panic, but with every passing second, he was losing it.

All the worst case scenarios were running through his head. Every bad possible thing- because of course it’d happen. Of course the day he finally decides to call you- to get some courage and-

“She’s here.”, Karen says, and relief courses over him. You’re here and once he lays eyes on you he feels as weak as always. You’re still as he remembers and he swears it’s like you haven’t changed. He can feel you so near and you’d only just gotten there. Memories flooded through him and his longing grew. He missed you- oh fuck, he missed you so much. It took everything in him to not web you to him- but he couldn’t risk that, not now and not here. He had to make it seem like he didn’t notice you. You knew the drill. Years of being with him, you knew the risks and when it was alright to take them, now wasn’t the time. You had to play it safe. Anyone could be watching.

You stood by the building and waited like you were waiting on someone to come out. He kept his head forward but his eyes stayed on you. He was damn glad no one could see his eyes with the mask on. Karen kept a look out, being sure nothing was nearby. He had to wait on her all-clear, simply because his own emotions and wants fogged his rationality and focus, especially when it came to you. You’d always clouded his thoughts, even when he was out as Spider-Man. How could you not? You were and still are his everything. He’d always love you, even if this meeting didn’t go as he hoped. There was no one out there like you, there never would be.

“God- I want to jump down to her- she’s even looking at me with that little grin-”

“No, Peter. I have not given the all-clear. I am still searching and you have poor judgement with her.”

“Ouch, Karen- even you’re mad at me? Still?”

“I-”

Gunshots went off suddenly, someone was screaming about a drive-by but it wasn’t warning enough. He was up high and you were down there. He jumped but he wasn’t fast enough. Super-speed wasn’t in his arsenal of powers. Nothing helpful in the moment was, but he still tried. The very second he saw the gunfire nearing you, he jumped. He leaped for his very life, reached with all his might but you slipped away, stray bullets shocking you into falling. You fell right onto the concrete. People in passing were screaming- some started crying out of fear, dropping to the ground like flies. For every shot, three people went down. It was chaos and as selfish as it was, he only cared about you in the moment. Spider-Man wasn’t there, Peter was. Peter only needed to see you- he had to hope you were fine-

He hoped you were only grazed- begged for you to be fine.

“Please..”

He didn’t look, he didn’t pause, he went straight for the nearest hospital once he reached your limp body. Swinging high and fast- in a way he knew you’d hate if you were conscious- or just awake enough to know. You had to just be out from shock- nothing else- His adrenaline was pumping through him like mad- like never before. Harder than when he felt himself dying- quicker than anything ever. His breaths were ragged and raspy- raw and painful. His chest was tight and he had to fight to see through his tearing eyes. His fear was eating him alive, shaking his core and straining his muscles.

The nearest hospital seemed so far away. It seemed like thousands of miles- like his webs weren’t fast enough- and the warmth seeping into his suit wasn’t helping a damn thing. It was like it was weighing him down with every passing moment. Every second you weren’t yet at that hospital, he was losing his mind. Panic was absolutely consuming him and yet he continued.

“Please- oh my go- please- for fucks sake- not her!”

He screamed for a doctor once he landed- lost his mind as he ran in. He can’t remember what he yelled or who he scared. he didn’t care if this could get you labeled as someone Spider-Man knew. He could fight that battle later. He had to survive this one first.He had to let them get you on a gurney- had to ignore the splotches of dark red on you- had to forget how limp you felt. he only focused on your breaths, shallow as they were, they were something.

He hated that he had to change out of his suit- it meant he had to leave- and being alone was no help. He had to peel his suit off and ignore the feeling in the pit of his stomach. Had to ignore the sickening warmth that stuck to him- sticky and noisy but he had to ignore it. Hopefully it was his blood and he couldn’t feel it. Maybe he had been grazed. The blood on his palms couldn’t be yours. He’d never be so unlucky- not like this not now or ever. It couldn’t be this way. He had to remember that as he ran back in- as he put on the facade that he’d heard from some friends or something and had to know your condition.

He had to play positive thoughts in his head like a mantra in his head as he waited on news. You couldn’t go- you promised. Years ago, you promised you’d be his girl forever. Even when you two fought- even when he was being a damned idiot. You’re his everything- you wouldn’t leave him. You swore- you even agreed to see him after the stupid shit he said.This couldn’t happen. He loved you, you loved him- how rare was that? A love worth fighting for, a love that went through hell and back? A love people wrote books and novels about- full on series that ended tragic for shock value. That couldn’t happen to him- he couldn’t be some cliche. You would be damned if you ever became some-

“Mr.Parker..”

His head shot up, “Yeah?”

The silence the followed was deafening. His heart thrummed in his ears as the nurse who called him beckoned him to follow. The very halls made his senses go off- there were people just hanging on the brink- there were people morning- people talking to someone hooked up to machines with no promise of waking. People saying goodbye- he wasn’t going to say goodbye- you never said goodbye. Once you learned his secret, it was never goodbye, only ever see you soon. It was because you knew. Goodbyes weren’t something he ever wanted to hear with a life like his. With losses like his. Peter grew to hate goodbyes as dumb and cliche as that sounded. You didn’t care though, you let him hate them and made sure not to say it. You had the chance to when you left him, but you didn’t. You didn’t stoop to his level and.. well, you didn’t want it to be goodbye. He had forced your hand-

The nurse led him to the Doctor in charge of your care. His face made Peter’s heart drop.

“Is sh-”

“I’m sorry..”

❝I ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ sᴇʟʟ ᴍʏ sᴏᴜʟ ғᴏʀ ᴀ ʙɪᴛ ᴍᴏʀᴇ ᴛɪᴍᴇ..❞

“You promise you’ll be careful?”

“Only if you promise you’re my girl forever.”

You laugh softly and his chest feels like it might burst.”You’re silly, you know the answer to that.”

“Mhmm.. but I don’t? I’m oblivious, you know this considering you had to make the first move for us to even be like this.”

You roll your eyes playfully, “Well, you are right about that.. hmm..let’s see.”

He pouts, “Aw, c’mon, don’t be like that. You’re already my girl now, what’s so wrong with forever?”

You pretend to think, and it’s convincing enough to make him scared until you grin bigger than he’s ever seen. It was a smile he grew to adore, “Absolutely nothing Peter. I’ll always be here, even when you’re oblivious.. or dumb.. or-”

“No no, I get it. You don’t have to get specific.”

“You have to promise me too.”, you say.

“What?”

“Promise me you’re my dumb nerd forever?”

He makes a face, “Dumb nerd- I-”

“Promise.”, you insist, and he goes quiet, because now you’re serious. He gets why. He understands what you’re insinuating.His face softens and he accepts the rude description of him, only because you had called him yours.

He steals the softest kiss from your lips, grinning like a moron after, “You know better than I do that I’m only yours. Always. I was yours before you even knew it.”

“... You must think you’re so cool for kissing me first for once-”

“God- shut up! Let me live- just because you said those three words first doesn’t- hey! Don’t laugh! We were having a moment- I can’t-” and the rest dissolves into laughter.

In that moment he loved you so much, and he grew to love you even more. He wouldn’t trade you for the world. Not with you laughing like that- not with your smile like that. You were so beautiful then..

You were beautiful even now, as he laid you to rest with family, tears streaming down his face..

“You promised..”, he whispered, but no one could hear him. “You fucking promised and- god you were right there. I had you- I saved you- I’ve done it a thousand times why-”, he chokes on a sob, curling over to try and support himself but it’s not working. He’s crying out your name but you’re not responding.

You’re right fucking there, but you’re not moving and it’s absolutely killing him. You fought through everything with him- The Snap- villains that snapped his bones like twigs- beat him to a pulp. You were used as bait by a villain that knew too much- he saved you from them. From a falling building- from death- so what the fuck?

How is there no one for him to blame? No one he knew personally- no one but himself- but time and fate?

“It was only eleven minutes- god- I was ready to be done I swear- please- come back, I- Fuck.. god- I’m..”, he started to sob, “Come.. come home to me.. come... home with me..”

Everything was lost to sobs.. and not a damn soul could pry him from where you lay.

❝sᴏ ᴡʜʏ ᴀʀᴇɴ’ᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴇʀᴇ..❞

Making a new taglist soon but taggin @starksparker to be an ass. Also @grandmascottlang and @spiderboytotherescue

#peter parker #peter parker x you #peter parker x reader #peter parker reader insert #peter parker fic #peter parker fanfic #peter parker fanfiction #peter parker imagine #peter x you #peter x reader #peter reader insert #peter fic #peter fanfic

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mental-health-advice · 4 years

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Submissions from 🦚🌺

So took me a while to scroll through to my last tagged ask (for some reason searching didn’t work). So much about staying consistent and actually tagging my stuff from now on. Gosh uff. The one where sibling found possible drugs and the one about mom being xenophobic almost causing shut down as in passing out were me too. I usually either tend to forget to tag or I guess am kinda scared since I feel I send in A LOT? I really don’t know. It’s just a lot going on and I feel bad always (1🦚🌺)

I feel bad always throwing all my stuff at my friends. Especially as one friend a few years ago was diagnosed with depression. Idk what her current situation is tho except that she seems to do better. I won’t ask her since I feel weird about that stuff. Plus really unless she wants to tell me it’s none if my business. But yeah that’s that I guess. Now… I’ve been rejected from the art college/highschool unfortunately so that’s out the window. My therapist suggests volunteer year 2🦚🌺

Whivh we have a social and economic one of I think? Idk. I know social won’t work because of my likelyhood of social anxiety which kinda self explanatory I guess. Economic I’m just scared I wont be able to pull the whole tear through, scared to do stuff wrong etc. Hell I spent 2 low sleep nights crying after the rejection and mom forced the answer out of me when I clearly didn’t want to talk about it. Turned into an argument about how I got forced into abitur/regular highschool 3🦚🌺

And OBVIOUSLY she blames dad for it. Which like… great whatever he told her. My point is HE was more supportive in front of ME than she was. She just tore me down 2 years ago. Next week I dont have a therapist appointment since she will be moving. So I’m praying this week will go by smoothly. Well as smooth as it can go with all the arguments around here I guess. I’m still trying to process everything since March 4🦚🌺

1? 2? I’ve lost track of time … weeks ago she and her bf fought very badly and she essentially ran away for an hour, he claimed he is leaving but then stayed. My younger sisters were all crying, my brothers were just not surprised and I had to try call family members (which calling others is a physical challenge for me) trying to find a way to deal with what happened. My therapist knows about this incident. She now also knows moms bf smokes weed but not about what 5🦚🌺

else we found. I’ll see if I can bring it up soonish since it still worries me… my brother also later confirmed again he caught them snorting it so yeah most likely we are right about it being cocaine. I feel uncomfortable looking up the effects of it but my cousin said that could explain a lot of moms behavior. Shes always been this way I think.I right now dont even remember where I was going with this ask chain hhhh frick.I’m loosing track of myself once again please send help 6🦚🌺

(Have to switch to browser because app again refuses to let me send stuff wtf) My mom also is back onto “oh you just have split personality!” … I have informed myself on DID and OSDD, I have symptoms yes. But I doubt it’s that. In fact my therapist even talks about that stuff with me! I have different parts but mom doesn’t know they exist so idk. I tried to literally tell her how DID is made and she didn’t want to listen. She claims she did almost everything right and I’m making up 7🦚🌺

My trauma. So you would think that she would stay away from assuming such a trauma heavy diagnosis. Welp she actually doesn’t know anything about mental health either way and legit took my brother off his adhd meds years ago because “they changed him too much” and then refused to take him to appointments when we noticed signs of tourette in him because she felt like she fucked up as parent?? Wat?? I can’t make sense of this woman anymore tbh 8🦚🌺

Sorry that this is all over the place, it’s 1am for me rn, I cant sleep really, still am trying to process I won’t see my friend who I was looking forward to seeing this year for 2-3 years and who would have been a temporary escape from this hellhole until at least another year or 2 depending on the situation, being in the top 10 corona countries and in fact second most infected state in germany and really just switching between sliding down to a kid and /or almost passing out 9(?)🦚🌺

almost passing out when trauma responses shut me down and I just can not describe my emotions of the past months other than I just want someone to hug me and to feel safe and to feel like this mess at home and the world isn’t happening. My mind is all over the place and I feel like at this point I’m going insane and I’m not making any sense anymore. Again sorry for the probably stupid rant/,vent that probably made no damn sense idek anymore - final🦚🌺

So much about what I sent in yesterday hoping for the best. 3 hours ago I woke up to a message chain about how we (me and my siblings. We are 6 in total) apparently abuse her and use her. And basically just complaining about the tiniest things regarding chores. For example yesterday I completely cleaned the kitchen and she complained because some dishes stood around since people still ate AFTER I did the chores. Like tf. My friends say it seemed like from the screenshots that she is 1🦚🌺

using us as tools? Idek anymore. She also completely ignored me sending her and asking her stuff about the valounteer year last night since the school rejected me and I need that alternative. Apparently a clean flat is more important than my literal future. On the other hand I for once had a normal conversation with my almost 15yo brother (I’m almost 19, however not mentally and also not in the position to move still especially with the virus and all) and it turned out that he shares 2🦚🌺

Moms views on therapy whivh I’ve mentioned in the past aren’t really the best views on it. So yeah that’s just great. He basically just thinks it’s stupid. Either way. Currently my only way of possibly getting away would be a psychiatric /mental hospital stay. THING IS while I’m bety aware it isnt like in the movies I am deadly afraid of the thought. Not having my freedom to come and go when I please, not being able to meet up with friends or something etc. I would not feel safe and 3🦚🌺

it would just expose me to a lot of stress and anxiety which wouldn’t be any better than being yelled at constantly at home and having mom shit talk my friends. Everything is just kinda a mess with her rn and my siblings don’t see it from my perspective. Like YES we mess up and don’t do things right. She has a reason to be mad. But NO she doesn’t have the tight to essentially abuse us and no her behavior isnt parenting this is manipulation. 4🦚🌺

They only see the first half and think she’s in the right… I myself struggle to differentiate right and wrong and am unable to read situations well, which is why it took me 17-18 years and my friends calling it out to realise this is wrong. But I at least listen… they don’t. I sometimes just wish I grew up in a stable functioning family. Or honestly that she never even had me since she was VERY young when she had me so that’s probably why she never learned how to 5(?)🦚🌺

Act properly towards us. As she had me when she was just my age (18) and then the following 8 years had 4 more of my 5 siblings. I feel she never had time to grow up and learn herself especially considering she was abused herself…. final🦚🌺

Hi 🦚🌺,

It's good to hear from you again! There's absolutely nothing wrong with messaging us often, so feel free to tag all of your asks that you send in! I think that will actually make it easier on both of us, as you'll be able to find responses easier and I can look back on your previous asks easier to make sure I'm not missing anything or repeating myself :) Also, the search function on tumblr is quite picky, so unfortunately it can be hard to find posts. I've run into the same issue with locating old asks on the blog as well!

It's understandable that you don't want to bug your friends with your problems, especially if they have some mental health struggles of their own. However, it might help to think of it this way: mental illness is so common that chances are most people you meet will have some sort of struggle with their mental health, which means you wouldn't be able to talk to anyone about your struggles if you don't want to bother someone who struggles with their mental health. That doesn't seem fair to you! While everyone needs to have boundaries, especially to protect their health, I think it's reasonable to share things with your friends when you're struggling. You deserve that support, especially with everything else you have going on in your life!

It must have been devastating to not get into art school and I'm so sorry that happened! It does sound like volunteering could be a potential route for you to go down, even if it's just until you figure out what you want to do in the future. It makes sense that certain volunteer options can be rolled out based on the nature of the work and the things you struggle with. Perhaps there is something you could do from home that wouldn't trigger your anxiety. For instance, I volunteer for a text-based suicide hotline, which I do from home. I'm not saying you have to do something exactly like this, but it might spark an idea that you or your therapist maybe haven't thought of yet. It's just something to think about.

What's going on with the drugs in your house is definitely concerning and I think it would be a good idea to bring that up with your therapist. It's really dangerous to have these kinds of drugs around with younger kids being there. Not only is it possible for kids to accidentally get into it and harm themselves, but it's also dangerous for them to be around adults that are high because of their erratic behaviors. This is why I think it would be wise to talk to your therapist about this to see what input she has.

It's great that your therapist has talked to you about your diagnoses as well as what you don't have that your mom has tried to say you have. I'm sure it's frustrating to have your mom make those accusations, but I think it's good that you at least have your therapist there to reassure you that you don't in fact have those diagnoses.

It's so disappointing that your friend won't be able to visit as you guys had planned because I know you were really looking forward to that! Unfortunately, coronavirus seems to ne ruining plans for most people all over the world. Hopefully you guys will be able to come up with another plan for meeting up, though it likely won't be able to happen until the pandemic is more under control. Still, at least making tentative plans for meeting in the future may give you both something to look forward to once travel is finally safe again.

I'm so sorry that your mom treats you and your siblings this way. It does sound like she may use you guys as tools, as your friends put it. This is sometimes another sign of abuse/neglect, which honestly isn't surprising considering all of your mom's other behaviors.

What you mentioned about getting out of the house makes sense and I agree that an inpatient stay might not be the best way to go about it. Not only will that be more restrictive, as you mentioned, but most hospitals won't allow inpatient stays unless the person is incapable of keeping themselves or others safe while receiving outpatient care (though I obviously don't know whether this is the case for you). I still think it's a good idea to keep thinking about potential ways of getting out of your mom's house once you're ready for that. One option I'm wondering about is a group home (I think these may be called something else in other countries but it's basically a house where several adults with varying physical and/or mental illnesses live together and there are usually various types of staff who also stay there). These can sometimes be a bit restrictive, but much less so than a hospital would be. I believe they typically have a curfew, otherwise you're allowed to leave during the day. Although I'm not sure if this would be a viable option for you (and it probably wouldn't be anyway until after the pandemic is more controlled), it's just something that popped into my head when thinking about other ways of eventually getting you away from your mom's abuse.

What you said about your mom's parenting vs. manipulation is 100% accurate. It's very common for someone who was abused by parents to go on to abuse their own children unless they put in the effort to change, but know that you still don't deserve to be abused and manipulated. It's not your fault that your mom was abused and never unlearned the negative behaviors she saw experienced as a child. You and your siblings all deserve so much better than this!

-Samantha

#abuse #abusive parent #drugs #drug use #family #🦚🌺#advice #advice blog #mental health advice #mhasamantha

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readysetreduce · 4 years

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Hello, and welcome to my blog/first post/etc. I am a humble 27 y/o who has not done anything you would have heard of, but I’m here for a place to talk about how and why I have decided to change my habits. This is meant to be a space for people to find an easy way to navigate changing their habits too, and I hope that I can help. You should know that I am not under any circumstances an expert, or even knowledgeable about a lot of these things. I haven’t studied them, I haven’t been paid, and I am doing all of this on my own time and in my own way and that might not work for everyone.

TL/DR: I have no idea what I’m doing. You shouldn’t listen to me, but I need a place to organize my thoughts on this project.

MAIN THEME:

For this blog, my goals are simply this: REDUCE.

I think that a lot of people feel really good about recycling. AND YOU SHOULD RECYCLE, don’t get me wrong, BUT *and this is important* there are more that one step to helping our environment and it’s multitude of issues. In fact, there are THREE. The first one is, you guessed it—Reduce. In my opinion, being the first arrow in the cycle, the first listed, the first named, etc, that makes it IMPORTANT. So without further ado, here’s how last year I started becoming a more aware person.

It all started with a nature documentary. I watched, I cried, I awoke. I was very upset by the prospect of a mother whale’s milk poisoning her baby because of the environment she lives in. It’s fucking tragic and I think that point is beyond being debatable. So in 2019, I made myself a promise that I would try to do my part. Up until that day, I need you to understand, that I felt as if my decisions could not POSSIBLY matter in this issue. It felt stupid that little ‘ol me in this GIANT world giving up water bottles would even matter at all. How could one person really make a difference? I know, what a cliched and boring question, but I still to this day feel like there are some things that are just too big for me to try and solve, fix, think about, prophesize, etc. To be frank, I just felt like it was all not enough, like, no matter WHAT I did it couldn’t POSSIBLY make a difference. I think a lot of this stems from my issues in math and numbers and how they make me feel inferior, but I digress, with a little help from a very math-positive friend, I felt an impact. Small though it may be, an impact nonetheless. So I am going to share some statistics with you that inspired me. So, before you get overwhelmed, I’m gonna start big and then break it down into what made me go, “oh.”

Ok, so scientists think that somewhere around 8 MILLION metric tons of plastic are dumped into the ocean every year. For reference on what this looks like here is what a 6.8 metric tons look like:

SO. Imagine about 1.1 million more of those swimming around in the ocean. What I’m getting at is it’s A LOT, and that’s uninspiring. So of that 8M number, I needed to know how much of it my ONE water bottle really impacted. So....

Americans drink 10 BILLION gallons of plastic bottles every year, and in 2016, less than HALF were collected for recycling. What’s half of 10B...? Idek. I don’t think that number really matters to most people, and for most of my life it certainly didn’t matter to me because that is FAR too much for me to fathom. Most people can’t even fathom 10B of ANYTHING.

I’ll be transparent here, none of these numbers meant a damn thing to me. Watching that baby whale die...that’s what did me in, y’all. I’m not heartless even though I like to pretend to be. So, what made me feel like I was doing something important? Doing it. I just started reducing. It started really really small. I stopped buying water bottles, I got a water filter, and I filled up my cups, and I was like, “SURELY that is enough and I can stop there.” And that’s when it happened. It all started crowding in around me. I started to see how much plastic I was using just to EXIST. Suddenly I realized how MANY things were made of plastic. You guys....it’s like EVERYTHING. Do you remember that time when you were a kid and someone was like, “haha check the labels on your things and see if it says, ‘Made in China,’ lol it’s like China owns us lol so funny.” It was like that. I was like suddenly I realized plastic owned me and I had been living with my eyes closed the whole time. So I started frantically changing like everything I did, and running around looking for new solutions to the things I used every day. It was insanity. It still is. For 2020, I kept my same resolution as last year. It’s reduce. Surprising, right? Anyway, how could I not I still have all this plastic to get rid of, and no, the earth probably doesn’t notice that I don’t use waterbottles anymore, but I sure fucking do. I notice when other people use them, too. I notice when people don’t recycle. I notice when I’m not in LA, and there’s no recycling bin in sight and I am forced to either throw away a recyclable OR litter...it makes me cringe. I now have a PHYSICAL reaction to the inability to decide how I impact my own environment, and for anyone that knows me AT ALL, taking away my right to options is just not a thing you should do to gain my favor.

I want for this to be something that someone reads and thinks about. Just thinking about it was enough for me, and maybe it will be enough for someone else, too. I also want to help be a resource for those people who are just starting out like I am and need help. I am well versed in research as a historian, and sometimes I do it for fun, but other times I do it because I need to know who is profiting from my funding, or what is the best no-waste toothpaste option because my partner gets mouth ulcers from the chemicals in our toothpaste and I’ve suddenly realized that the toothpaste we use is far more impactful than just the risk the chemicals are posing to our bodies. So, without further ado, please enjoy this place as an informational safe space where I can research without judgement, answer questions to the best of my ability, let people know what works or doesn’t work in my life, and to ultimately have my own impact here on tumblr.

—♻️REduces✌️—

Here’s a link from oceanconservancy.org where I found some of this information.

#environment #reduce #reduce reuse recycle #plastic pollution #global impact #environmental action #environmental awareness

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b00bconnoisseur · 5 years

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Reaallly long art rant

Lately, the past 4 months or so, ive felt v drained inspirationaly. This is the longest ive ever had art block. So, whenever i finish a drawing i have this satisfaction, this high, it makes me feel so good. That when i felt like i wouldn't finish it, that i didnt have the energy to, i did. I also feel like tumblr is a big part of my block. Dw im not leaving of course lol, im just ranting. But yeah, ive been on here SO much and i hate that i am but i AM. Its like an addiction. Plus all my friendos are on here so i dont just wanna take a leave.

Another big part of my block is sorta myself? My personality ig u could say. And what i mean by that is i can never say no to anyone. It makes me feel terrible. The thing i can never say no to is art requests. I get them so much from my extended family. And thats another part of the block, family.

Theyre always askin me to draw stuff when im like "er not rn....im uh on this *points down at paper* rn. Maybe next time..?" Thays my attempts at saying no. But noooo of course my cousins are like "no no no just draw me rn ok u can do that drawing some other time ive been begging u to draw me forever!" BOTH of my cousins are always bugging me nonstop to draw them. I hate it just leave me the fuck alone i just finally got to another drawing and u won't even let me finish it go fuck off. But i of course dont say that. I start immediately on one cousins sketch while he watches me (tjis was on ny's) Now im doing the other ones sketch rn. Only because his birthday is today and this is his gift. Also because when we go to see them today, and i dont have it done he'll make me feel horrible. And since i dont have my other cousins sketch done he'll do the same. (I dont have the ref photo so i cant finish it. My bro has it and refuses to send it to me.) Another thing is they cant respect how i do my art and my art style. They want all the art i draw in realistic color whereas i only do traditional b&w shadding. And my other extended family is always trying to get me to draw them live. Like, they pose and i draw them. I CAN'T do that. It takes me HOURS to draw. Plus ik they'll be like hurry up! And get tired after 2 mins. Plus idk, thats awkward for me. Id rather just have a pic. Boom. Simple. But THEY wont understand that.

Theres alot more that theyve done but I'll stop there.

And sometimes im in a way putting this block on myself? I hold these free giveaway stuff then i ask ppl if they'd like a request or i accept requests or an art trade or i say im gonna draw this for somepne for this holiday or smtn. I do it for fun and it makes ppl happy. And idm doing it. But it builds up. More. And more. And more. To the point where im feeling v v v overwhelmed with stuff im supposed to draw for ppl. And i get v behind on everything. And i cant even enjoy when i finally finish a drawing. Im like welp, im v late on all these, onto the next. Its not a good feeling. And sometimes whenever im like "i do so many drawings for OTHER ppl, i need to do one for MYSELF like i used to" so i try. But then i have no idea what to draw. And then all i can think of is what im supposed to be drawing for other ppl. Then it makes me feel like im being selfish by trying to draw for myself. To try to distract myself i go on tumblr. But then im just procrastinating. And i usually just end up not drawing anything. But when i do its just requests or stuff for other ppl. And i feel i dont upload art much anymore on tumblr so i feel the need to get something out there. And when i do it doesnt get too much notice. So i feel more deflated. Just a repeating cycle. Over. And over and over.

And since its for other ppl i feel i gotta make it perfect.

I just wish i drew as much as i used to without a care. I wish i COULD do that. But im in a huge mess and the only way to get out of it is to finish all the drawings. Then start fresh. It feels I'll never get to that tho.

Alot of the time i just think about giving up on art. Alot. Cause its not so enjoyable anymore as it used to.

I wont tho cause it IS what makes me the most happy in the world. Im mesmerized by it. Its what i want to do when im older. I dont wanna throw all that away. Without it id be basically nothing

For now, I'll sort thru (try to anyway) the mess i got myself into and try to kill the damn block. And try to draw for myself sometimes too.

Thanks for coming to my ted.....rant? Talk? Idek anymore.

But hey, if u read all that, props to u bro.

Sorry for getting all art depressy on main..

#rant #art rant #artists on tumblr #artists problems #my problems

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lunebinnie · 5 years

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(1/14)I am so sorry for taking so long! (I also had to spend a lot of time studying this week bc I had my first exam for my Anatomy Lab on Wednesday... And then we had our first exam for *Lecture* Thursday (which also was the day I had a bunch of powerpoints due for my very intimidating adviser...) and then I had to substitute teach all day Friday (and then I meant to respond sooner but I got so busy 😭) so yeah I completely understand about school getting in the way no worries abt it!)

And also sleeping in on a day off when you’ve been busy studying lately is completely valid hon 👌 I hope that your midterms go well and that you’re able to stay healthy and take care of yourself in the midst of preparing! (not that you wouldn’t, I just have a bad habit of neglecting things like healthy sleeping and eating habits when I get caught up studying, so hopefully you’re not like me in that way) And yeah me too! I mean on the one hand I understand *why* they have that limit

3)If u could just send as many as u want there would be so much more spam and ppl would definitely abuse that. But also?? Um? I have a chronic condition called ‘Can'tShuttheFuckUp-itis’? 🤷 This policy is so discriminatory towards people like me who suffer from this crippling condition! I feel oppressed honestly 🙄 tumblr rlly has something against ppl just trying to get to know each other huh? Lol, but at least now we know why it eats them I’ll be sure to try to prevent that in the future

4)And oh my gosh that’s so cool! I’m super jealous!! 😮 lol. I wish they hosted kpop nights at my local bar! 😭😭 But no, I’m here at my little state college in a little 2 mi2 town just under pop 5500 (and idek if that’s before or after counting college students) in the middle of the 'farm zone’ of my state. All we get is country night @Riley’s 😩 RIP. But ya I wish I had more ppl around me who were into kpop! So far I’ve only met 3 ppl who listen to it. One was that roommate I told you about

5)One is just a casual listener who isn’t really into 3rd gen groups and mostly just listens to Girl’s Generation but that’s valid, and one isn’t even rlly a fan of any groups in particular, she just puts the kpop station on when she studies bc she says she needs music but if it’s in English she gets distracted, lol And omg that is insane! $500?? And 5 copies of the same album? 😲 (Says the girl who’s been a Monbebe for a hot 2 months and has already bought three (3??) Monsta X T-shirts… 😂

6)in my defense tho one of them was only $10 bc it was Black Friday? And u can’t blame me, Hot Topic is my krypotonite lmao) but yeah I already feel guilty about spending 30+ dollars on one copy of an album (thx international shipping) That’s so wild. And yeah I don’t get why ppl feel the need go out of their way just to insult other ppl’s music taste. I’m also pretty self conscious abt sharing my music taste and obviously the way everyone around me talks abt kpop has made me even moreso now 🙃

7) I haven’t gotten into too many groups yet bc I’m trying to go slowly and focus on getting into one group at a time but I do have a long list of groups I plan on getting into eventually! NU'EST is one that I’ve heard some of their songs on my Spotify based on my listening history and they’re on the list haha 😂 And omg I feel really similarly about Got7! I tried to get into them after I got into Monsta X and right before I got into Astro and although I did really like some of their songs

8)I haven’t really been able to get into their music as much as MX and Astro’s yet. I do think they seem like a really fun group in terms of personality though. As for the comeback I know right?? I mean I know a lot of ppl were freaking out abt the comeback being a 'sexy’ and how it wasn’t gonna be the same cute Astro we all love anymore. But they filled the MV with flowers and glitter and still managed to make it sexy as fuck! This album has a very different vibe but it still felt like them

9) They managed to pull off a more mature and sexy concept while still staying true to themselves and I’m so here for it! I don’t know if I could really pick a favorite era because I love them all! I mean Spring Up was an excellent era and every era since then has been great. They really don’t know how to have any bad concepts or make any bad songs huh? Lol. Since I’m still pretty new I really love the title tracks since I’ve heard them the most. (I have listened to their full discography

10)But I haven’t listened to their Bsides enough to pick out my favorites from those) I also really love Again though! The first time I saw the dance practice I was super into it and then I looked up the lyrics and was like 'this is supposed to be sad/regretful song it has no reason to be this much of a BOP?!’ 😂 I have such a hard time picking favorites though. Since All Light is new though I actually have listened to it enough times to pick some 'non-title song favorites’ from there haha

11) Other than All Night (which is great, obvi) I also really like Starry Sky, Moonwalk and Role Play 😂 and Bloom is so pretty oh my god! 😭😭 the album is great and has no bad songs but those are the ones I particularly like. I feel u about the dances honestly. I think that’s actually what drew me to kpop initially. I mean I like listening to the songs ofc but it wasn’t until after I actually watched an MV/saw the choreography that I actually was like… Oh shit I’m gonna have to be a fan now

12) It was the visual aspect that really made me want to be a kpop fan bc I haven’t really seen that level of performance with any western music. Which isn’t to say I think all western music is bad but I think it’s really impressive to watch kpop groups singing and also doing really impressive choreography and performing at the same time. Plus that’s the part I can show my family and say 'even if you don’t like the music because of the language barrier you have to admit they’re talented dancers’

13)And yes! With Astro especially I think the dance practices rlly succinctly capture the reason why I love them so much. They are *super* talented but they also have such great chemistry and u can rlly tell that they just love each other and have so much fun together! I love a family of six hardworking dorks! 🤧💗 lol. And yeah it’s too bad that neither of are able to see them this cb ☹️ (I also did the 'hypothetically…’ research but it wouldn’t have worked out 😒) I hope you’re right though!

14)Hopefully the success of this comeback is the catalyst to Astro getting more of the attention they deserve and there will be many more opportunities to see them in the future! (Although it is too bad we won’t be able to see live performances from this cb, since it’s so pretty 😭 tho with their track record I’m sure future cb’s will be just as good lol) But what about you? Do you have any favorite songs from this cb in particular? Talk again soon! (I’ll try 2 b better @ responding 😭) -AHA

FUCKKK okay so after like a million years of midterms + 2 days straight of sleeping ya girl is BACK to answer these asks after getting through the hurdle of copying and pasting and italicizing 14 asks onto one response on my phone. Did I perhaps fail at least 3 of my midterms? Quite probably. Do I have the energy to care atm? No. Did I need to get away from everything and fly to Boston to visit my friend for reading week? Yes.

How did all your exams go? That sounds crazy though! I hope you got through everything ok!

Tbh I have the same unhealthy habits too, I essentially became nocturnal and lived on like one meal a day + snacks and coffee 😭 fr, I would be writing my midterm from 11:30-1:30, go home to eat, sleep from 4-7pm, then wake up to study all night for the next one, and repeat,,,,, I’m like an actual mess tbh

Honestly as much as I’ve enjoyed the Aroha secret admirer thing (it was sooo nice getting to meet new people) rn I’m just so glad that post-reveal we don’t have to deal with tumblr ask limits and writing entire essay responses all in one go.

Honestly 3 shirts isn’t even THAT bad especially if they weren’t all like ordered from overseas so they wouldn’t have been that expensive. When I went to the Myeongdong underground shopping centre I went craaaazy with Kpop merch despite stanning (at that point, pretty much only) BTS for a whole 3 weeks, so I ended up coming back with 2 albums, a bunch of stickers, a photocard pack (also bonus: got an Astro one too) and like a BUNCH of bt21 stuff. Speaking of, my All Light album finally came in!! I ended up getting a Moonbin, MJ, Jinjin, and Sanha photocard plus the a Rocky lyric booklet and ik I basically got THE best set for someone who loves all of them w my whole heart 😩✊ but I’m still sad I didn’t get any Eunwoo cards since he was my first Astro bias 😭 it’s soooooo pretty I love it sm and like lowkey I’ll probably end up buying more of their albums anyway oopsss

Speaking of Monsta X btw, I heard their new song and I thought it was really good! What did you think of it?

Regarding favourite songs, I swear my moods change so much, so it’s pretty common for me to not love a song at first and sort of rediscover it months later, and tbh that’s kind of what happened with Innocent Love, Baby, and Again. In this album though, I’d say my favourite Bsides are probably be Bloom, 1 in a Million, and Heart Brew Love.

And I toootally agree with the performance aspect of kpop being the thing to attract me it, even before I got really into it I’d sometime like to watch dance practices (and lowkey even learned a bunch of choreos a with my friend last term just bc we had access to a frequently empty dance studio). It’s just super impressive to see people singing and dancing at the same time mostly live, and for the same reasons I’m also super into musicals as well, which isn’t so say I think like lip syncing or just dancing/singing is bad, it’s just refreshing to see it done all at once, you know?

Also side story it turns out that I actually DO know another Astro fan irl!! Her older sister (who I’m closer to bc we’re closer in age) is the one who bought the million got7 albums. Even though she’s been a fan of Astro since before debut, her sister doesn’t even know she listens to kpop since she was afraid of getting roasted at first, but now she’s in too deep to say anything. I’d mentioned liking Astro to her before, but she didn’t say anything bc she didn’t want to expose herself in front of her sister but on Friday I saw her while her sister was out and she was like “oh btw here’s a secret I went to the Toronto fanmeet last year but my sister doesn’t know” I was SHOOK but tbh I’m just super glad now to have someone to talk about it and go to concerts with (I’m banking on the fact that they’re coming back)

Anyway, THANK YOU SO MUCH for waiting 2747287482 million years for my response, and it was so great to finally (officially) meet you Kjersten!

@kaptain-k-pop

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loveerinn · 5 years

Text

What Did I Expect 11:23pm

what did i expect?

i tried to stay off tumblr for this protest...

i tried.

but i felt like ripping my hair off being off tumblr that long.

my skin felt off cause i wasn’t able to talk the way i needed... i can’t seem to express myself out loud. even when my friend was asking me what was wrong. nothing. it was nothing.

today before anything i felt nervous

i felt nervous and jittery

and i didn’t know if they were bad or good

but i just-

i couldn’t feel comfortable in my own skin

because i knew i was going to...

i knew at some point i was gonna

she makes my insides feel weird

to be around her

just makes me...

being in her presence makes me feel like emotional teen angst is overtaking me

and i don’t know what to do

cause i’m around her

and i feel hurt

i wanna get away

rant

scream

and i’m not around her

and i feel lost

i wanna be closer

cry

yell

i don’t even know what to do with myself and it needs to stop.

cause we don’t have a relationship

we aren’t friends

we’re ...

we’re idk

i don’t know but nothing about the situation should be making me feel so off balance anymore

i shouldn’t want to knock my head when i’m not around her

and i shouldn’t want to knock hers when i am

god i wanted to fucking punch her

kiss her too

but then she’d probably punch me in face

and then

that wouldn’t have been fun for anyone

i had fun.. i was okay

but i was great...

i wasn’t able to just...

idk. i’m sick of this feeling.

if someone has a manual on how to handle this. it’d be taken which such graciousness. believe me.

i feel stupid

i always feel stupid

sometimes i feel so transparent

but then i remember literally no one has any idea how i feel in the moment

no one realizes

the moment someone realized when i got home and just had to watch...

had to see him step out my door..

god

what did i expect?

it should be nothing.

nothing is what i should’ve expected

i’m soooo aggravated i just wanna rant and cry and scream.

but it’s literally like nothing happened to me

i wasn’t upset

no one hurt me.. not physically anyways

and i know i seemed calm ..

but i wasn’t happy. i’m never happy unless i’m on here expressing myself

and .. that’s why i had to break the protest...

cause to do this

to do this is coping

to do this is sanctuary

to do this is sanity.

my sanity.

what keeps me going.

what allows me to act like nothing phases me.

cause i know it shouldn’t

so i act like like it does. m

i’m so good at making myself just.... smile.

i thought it would come easier .. and it did but at the same time it didn’t. cause idk. maybe i’m wrong. maybe you can enjoy yourself while also being worried. can a person enjoy themself with an incredible doubt and insecure banging in the back of their mind???

with what makes you doubt & insecure looking you in the face?

what did i expect?

i expected nothing cause i knew i shouldn’t

and yet... it still feels like i am. why??? what the hell am i waiting for ??? nothing. i’m waiting for nothing. i’m feeling hurt over nothing. i’m expecting nothing. why can’t my mind...no... not that-why can’t my HEART agree with me for once in it’s stupid little life.

you don’t need to feel like this. why why why why whyyyyy do you feel like this

you admitted to yourself how you felt, Uterika. you’ve accepted how you felt, Uterika. you’re not denying it anymore, Uterika. you just... you just... idk Uterika. fuck. fuckFUCK DIDJSJFUXKFUXK FUCKKKKKkkkksksksksksjsjs. that’s it. that’s all i wannna do. sigh.

i know it sounds bad. i don’t want to use anyone. i want to be so distracted. i want to fall so in love with someone else. i want... i want anything...anything. fuck anything. why. why can’t it just be easy.

if someone willing to love and take care of me already existed? maybe this wouldn’t have happened... but it did...i

i don’t know how many times i have to say this and drill this in my head.

my head hurts so much. and i just...what did i expect...

what tears me up inside so much about something so minor? something so irrelevant??????? cause this is irrelevant. it wouldn’t matter to anyone this much. it doesn’t matter to her that much.

why did ....why.

the final wreck to my entire self esteem and how i was holding myself together. it’s like... i’m not depressed. i’m not sad. i’m not even mad. i can’t explain my feelings. all i can think is torn. crushed. but nothing is pressing me. nothing is stepping on me to crush me. so what’s happening. why is my self esteem like....... weird rn???? idk.

i was calm i was holding it together till i got home. and that’s when one of friend finally saw. cause the mask cracked for a second when he stepped out the door... when he left to talk to her and she knew. she looked at my face. my once smiling and laughing face. my now expressionless face. and she just knew.

she just shrugged at me like “what can you do?” because she knew

knew how i was feeling.

do you think pretending to not pay anyone attention hurts them Uterika? no it just hurts you. cause you know the reason they didn’t notice was cause they weren’t paying you any attention to begin with.... do you think ignoring something and not talking to someone.. makes a difference... no. cause it doesn’t bother them to not speak to you.

why do i look at you and look at how you don’t even look at me.. want to be next to me... move when i’m near you.. why does that still hurt me. why can’t i just.. why can’t i just accept that? why do i want to grab her face, look into her eyes and beg her to look at me... scream at her to pay attention to me. That’s not fucking me. I don’t do that. I don’t react like that. I’m stronger than that in every way. i don’t beg people to pay attention to me. and she does what she does cause ...cause that’s her. that’s how she handles things that make her uncomfortable...

i make her uncomfortable

i need to be okay with that.. it’s not changing... at all. i knew. i fucking knew i should’ve deleted that poem. i shouldn’t have even wrote it.... what is bravery when it’s led by the utmost levels of stupidity. she couldn’t even fucking look at me. i couldn’t even stop looking her. wtf is wrong w me. i make myself angry. cause once you’ve accepted what is happening you’re suppose to be able to to understand it enough to move on. why am i not doing that. what am i doing wrong.

why do i tell myself not to expect anything but still somehow feel ...something. i can’t even identify.

Note to Self... learn... learn how to ... idk... learn how to... shut my feelings off? Can a human being do that? Is there a cost factor? What do i lose by letting go of all my emotions? what do i gain? how worth it is it to stop being so obsessed with this???? i don’t. i don’t know. idk anything anymore. today was a good day. i saw friends and had fun. yet my stupid anxious mind just.. sigh. idk.

Move on..... that’s it. idk how. idk when. but Fuck that’s all i gotta to do. What I need to do. Idek know if i can tho...But honestly Uterika? What did you expect?

Love, Erin

#jumbled thought #idk #emotions are gross #love erin #talking with erin #personal #talks w eri #letters for me #quirks #sigh #im a mess

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