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kpop-with-mars · 6 months

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|Ateez X Trans (Ftm) Reader|

{disclaimer; I dont own any gifs used, this is also inspired by @kittensyoonie and their ateez x trans reader so please check them out as well~.}

{Summary: Ateezs reactions to learning that your trans/you coming out to them.}

{Tags; fluff, angst, hurt comfort, just having a silly old time (mostly),}

{⚠Warnings⚠; I haven't had top surgery or any other forms of gender affirming medical care so some things might be wrong. this also might not relate to every trans person so im sorry T^T. Also look out for misgendering, dead naming, transphobia,}

{ Hi guyss I haven't been writing alot cuz I have so many drafts and i've been working on NONE of them T^T, but don't worry I will post them soon once finished. i've got some goodies in the vault so please look forward to them. alot of these scenarios might be pretty dramatic so sorry ✌ but without farther ado you can read now. Enjoy! maybe? idk its up to you - 🃏}

Hongjoong

You were with him on vlive for your 1 year anniversary of being together so you both read atinys questions and blocked disrespectful ones.

hongjoong attached himself on your arm while you read. "Do you look at other idols?!" you read in shock, hongjoong looked directly at you menacingly. you looked away from him "no~" you answered tucking hair behind your ear.

"You better not" he kissed your cheek making you giggle while hongjoong looked at the other questions until he found one.

"Is y/n transgender?".

hongjoong stared curiously at you "yes, im transgender" as soon as you said that, the viewers and comments spiked upward.

"Im so proud of you for coming out, ill always support you" he gave you a gentle peck on your lips before he turned to the camera.

"Atiny, lets all show our support for y/n okay?. if I see anything that doesn't i won't stand for that, this is a space for everyone so lets make it feel like it" he smiled at the camera when he finished.

You both read more questions and felt thankful for the support from atinys, eventually the camera was turned off and when it did, you and him were getting ready for bed when he pulled you into his chest "I can't believe you came out like that, you didn't feel pressured into it right? " he gently stroked your hair.

"I never thought i could do that, but ever since i met you i've felt more like me" he hummed in response before he put his hand on your cheek lifting up your face "I love you~" he cooed "I love you too" he chuckled at your shyness and he hugged your head to his chest.

Seonghwa

You were at home recovering from your top surgery, you felt like tired didn't wanna move from your bed while you hugged your pillow to your chest, until you finally decided to get up and eat.

But as you walked into the kitchen to grab a quick breakfast you heard the front door unlock. you looked at the door wondering if this is the day you die until it opened to seonghwas smiling face.

"Hi honey" he walked up to you and kissed your forehead before he looked you up and down "Did you just wake up?" "No i woke up an hour and a half ago, i just got out of bed tho" he brought his hands up to your face and turned it from side to side "Did you eat yet?" you shook your head "good thing I got you some food" he handed you the food, which you ate in minutes after seonghwa guided the two of you to the table.

"Are you alright y/n?, you seem tired did you get enough sleep?" he bombarded you with questions while rubbing your back. "I feel fine, maybe just about sluggish" "I know im busy alot, but i just wanna know if something happened while I was away, please?" he moved his hand from your back to your free hand.

You decided to tell him "im sorry I didn't tell you sooner but, I got top surgery" seonghwa looked into your eyes waiting for you to explain "because im transgender" you added.

"That's cool, im glad you're okay" he smiled brightly you responed by giving his lips a gentle peck "I love you" you said making eye contact with him "I love you too, my handsome man".

Yunho

You and yunho were looking at pictures from his childhood while he told the stories behind them, alot of them making you laugh.

He was flipping though more photos when he paused "what?, what is it?" you asked him and he turned his head to you. "I don't think i've seen your baby photos before, have i?" he tilted his head to the side with curiosity in his eyes.

You didn't know what to tell him other then lying "Well i- um" you stammered "You're not embarrassed about them, right?." yunho asked when he noticed how anxious you were getting.

"Yeah, a little bit" you took a deep breath, you pulled out you're phone and showed him a picture of you as a kid. he looked at for a moment then smiled "I don't see any problem with it" yunho said with confusion.

You scrolled through your phone until you found one from prom, and you showed it to yunho. He took in the photo he was seeing before he responed "Oh, oh, you looked..." he had an awkward smile on his face "What" you asked knowing exactly what he was gonna say, until he said something you haven't heard.

"You just don't look happy in that picture, and i don't like it" he put his hand on your back. "I like who you are now because I know that you're happier this way" yunho wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you into one of his special hugs.

You would cry but yunho made you too happy to, that's what you loved most about him, and that's what he loves most about you.

Yeosang

You and yeosang started working out together, nothing more sexy then seeing a muscle-y yeosang with an extra shine on his skin.

After more grueling exercise the two of you were taking a break and eating lunch together. "t-that was...alot to say the lest" he wiped sweat from his forehead with a rag and drank his shake.

"Yeah, I think im all worked out for the day" you smiled at him, mean while your sleeveless shirt puffed out and yeosang couldn't help but look "woah-" he admired your toned arms and chest, making you straighten yourself up and cross your arms over your chest.

"It's no secret your totally hot, even with scars" he laughed "Wait what scars??" yeosang made a confused face "the ones on your chest?"

"What- I don't-" "but you do?" he was getting concerned about the way you were suddenly so defensive. "Are you getting self conscious about yourself?-" "no it's just-" you felt you'd just ruined this nice day working out with yeosang by making him upset.

Yeosang came up to you and held your hand "What's wrong honey?" he asked in a sweet but worried tone making your heart sting a bit. but that made you realize this was stupid to keep from him.

"Those scars on my chest..." he looked intently at you "they're from top surgery... im transgender" yeosang pulled you into a hug while he stroked your muscles "that's nice. Im glad you're happy with who you are" he looked at you and gave your lips a quick kiss "and with me~"

You and him laughed about it and continued on with lunch "oh y/n!, can I see your abs again?...please?" his confidence faded to embarrassment when he asked, this caught you off guard but this was at KQ's gym after all, might as well give him some fan service.

"Sure" you lifted up your tank top for him, making him choke on his food for a second. you asking if he's okay until he answered "im fine...but not as fine as you~" you laughed at yeosang's cheesy pick up line and enjoyed the rest of the day with your boyfriend.

San

San was having the best day of his life when you came out wearing some of his clothes, the way his clothes looked so baggy on you made him feel like he had to protect you at any cost.

"Cute~" was the only thing he could say in awe as he stared at you, you gave him a little spin "All of your stuff is so comfy~ it was hard to choose which to wear" you went up to him and threw your arms around his waist and hugged him tightly.

He pet your hair lightly "ill let you wear anything of mine if it makes you happy" he stroked your cheek and kissed your forehead. "Are you ready now?" you nodded your head and san began to walk you through the bouncy choreography.

The two of you were having a fun time and laughed whenever you made a mistake, or when he did. he was showing you how to go down for the chorus. "Then we do that for one, two, three, four. got it?" he demonstrated for you while he spoke "yeah I think so" san nodded then played it for you.

You started going down with the beats while san counted. but even though the shirt you were wearing provided some good ventilation, it was going down your chest more and more with each move.

"Oh-" san laughed out and paused the music. you laughed too with him and the shirt was falling off, revealing most of your chest. san noticed this and smirked when he walked toward you then noticed your scars. "What are those?" he pointed to your chest and you looked down.

"Oh" you pulled up your shirt "those are top surgery scars" san nodded then he suddenly got a look of surprise on his face "you're transgender!?" you put a thumbs up and smiled "Ooo that's cool, like pungja right? but just the other way around?" You nodded.

San picked you up in his arms and lifted you "no wonder you have such a feminine body" he teased you and ruffled your hair "That's why I kinda like wearing your clothes, they're good at hiding it when I want to" you giggled he squeezed you tightly.

"Well like I said, ill let you wear anything of mine if it makes you happy~" he kissed your cheek and put you down. "Alright now since you wanna know how, let me show you right now~".

Mingi

Mingi had took you with him and the members while touring around, he really needed cuddles after performing his heart out and you were his stress reliever.

He walked into the hotel room and you were on your phone and he went straight to the shower after greeting you, having been covered in sweat while you waited quietly for him on the bed.

He came out of the bathroom with his pajamas on and his hair wet. you opened your arms out to him "come here princess~" you understood how tired he was and he flopped down on your side, his head on your shoulder as his hands moved around your body.

He was obviously much taller then you but he felt so small hugging your body. "I love you~" you told him and kissed his forehead while your hand held the back of his head. "I love-" mingi froze when his hand reached a small long bump on your chest, his sleepy eyes widened a bit.

You chuckled lightly at his reaction and you held his cheeks "those are just scars. im transgender, I used to be a woman so I got surgery to get a flat chest" you explained and he nodded "That's cool~ are you happy?" he asked in a deep sleepy voice. "Of course I am. im even more happy with myself after I met you~" you kissed him lightly on the lips.

He gave you his gummy smile and he cuddled you closer to your body, laying his head against your collarbone. you turned your body to him and wrapped your arms around his head and back.

"I love you" his voice was muffled against your chest. "I love you too princess~" he smiled and you turned the lamp off and the two of you fell asleep. your princess finally getting the sleep he needed while knowing you're happy.

Wooyoung

"Come on babe!, let's go to the beach-each what they gonna say~" you heard him sing from down the hall while you were getting ready. you and wooyoung decided to go on a beach date when he had a break from promoting, and now that day was here.

You hurriedly searched for a swim shirt of any kind but to your dismay you couldn't find one. "im coming!" you threw on a shirt and run out the door with wooyoung.

At the beach you and wooyoung ate lunch that the two of you prepared together, after wooyoung finished he threw his shirt off and on your towels and booked it to the water, "Come on y/n!, let's cool off!" He yelled for you when he was in the water.

You grimaced nervously and walked over to the shore, you sat down and brought your legs to your chest. you felt the water lightly brush your feet. wooyoung raised his eyebrow at you "is something wrong babe?" he was confused by your actions.

"N-No.." you denied, but you knew wooyoung would keep pressing you til you dropped dead so you stood up and took your shirt off. you stepped into the water near wooyoung.

"See~, its not so-" he noticed your scars. "Babe?!, did something attack you in the water??. Is that why you were nervous?" he quickly stepped up to you and took your hands.

You chuckled lightly "No... im just transgender" you smile feeling your unease drip away. "Oh, well of course that's alright dummy" he hit your shoulder lightly. "I love you~" he said in a cheesy tone. "I love you too~"

He pecked your lips "I've never actually been to the beach without a shirt on sense surgery, i just get kinda nervous you know?" you admitted while the two of you were in calif deep in the water.

He smiled sweetly "I understand but lets not worry~. I promised to give you some of my confidence when we started dating..." he took a short pause to look in your eyes before he gave you a big smile "so come on lets go have fun!" He dragged you further into the water while the two of you laughed.

Jongho

A sudden knock interrupted your thoughts while in a cracked voice you said "Come in". the door opened to jongho's handsome face making you straighten up and try to make it look like you weren't crying.

"I was told you weren't feeling alright" he explained himself and sat next to you giving you a kiss on the cheek. "Do you wanna talk about it?" he looked at you with pleading eyes.

He held your hand in his squeezing it gently until you gave in and started tearing up again, "If -i was different back when I was younger, would you still love me?" he stayed silent allowing you to continue. "I know I shouldn't care what people think, but i don't feel like ill be- anything to anyone, really. I hate how people looked at me---and still look at me---especially because I knew what they were thinking"

you took in some more fresh air and wiped some tears before jongho spoke "Why would people ever judge you?". you responded "because I didn't want to be what they wanted" he thought on that for a moment before he asked another "What did they want you to be?" his voice held nothing gentleness and compassion, instantly you felt safer.

"A girl they could control" you put your face on his shoulder and lightly sobbed, jongho wrapped his arms around you and helped control your breathing. he held you in his warm chest for awhile, until you pulled away.

"You don't have to deal with this alone, okay?... I'm sorry you didn't feel safe telling me before but," he paused for a minute and held out his pinky "Let's get through this together now, promise" you let out a light chuckle and interlocked pinkies with him.

His arms snaked around you while you held him tightly hoping to never release, jongho turned your head to him and he gave you a kiss you'd been dieing to get. his lips fit onto yours like a puzzle piece, and like a puzzle you were complete.

{Hi guyss~, I sadly couldn't finish my hongjoong x trans reader one shot I was writing for his birthday so ill be working on it and ill post it when its done or just work on some other fics, speaking of them ill probably do some sort of poll or vote for these other fics I really wanna write so that I know what y'all will wanna see next~~. I got inspired by @kittensyoonie I read their ateez x trans reader thing and I was inspired by them to write this. So thank you to them and also read theirs!. - 🃏}

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catgirlforeskin · 1 year

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One of the most insidious ways people use progressive language to serve reactionary politics is using the idea of intersectionality to shut down any discussion of a vector of oppression, especially if you express it negatively.

It happens with everything on here, oh you can’t say mean things about men because some of them are trans, oh you can’t say mean things about white people because some of them are gay, oh you can’t say mean things about straight people because some of them are marginalized in some other way shut up shut up shut up shut up!

It feels especially prevalent in any discussion of misogyny because progressive language around feminism became prevalent (with no accompanying material changes) and because terfs are the big bogeyman on this website, SO many people on these site feel emboldened to just act like misogyny isn’t real, or even more annoying, act like misandry is.

It genuinely feels like we’ve backslid a decade at least when it comes to feminist politics, people tiptoe around any mention of feminism and always couch it in so many qualifiers of “not all men” shit, and no it’s not any better if you put an asterisk and add “because some men are trans or marginalized in some other way.”

The absolute worst is when people do this and say they’re doing it on behalf of trans women, when the only people it benefits are terfs! It’s because you all secretly just think of trans women as men, believe half of what terfs actually believe any way, and would have a heart attack if you realized how many trans women are man-hating lesbians, and how most terfs are attracted to men and in political alliances with far-right men, because you don’t actually understand terfs at all, because you refuse to acknowledge that the core of their politics is transmisogyny, because that would make you think of trans women as something other than a token you can mention in posts once a month to feel progressive!

Misogyny doesn’t stop being real because some women are privileged in other ways or have bad politics, misandry doesn’t start being real because some men are oppressed in other ways, if you disagree im just unloading a revolver into your chest at this point I’m tired of arguing

#transmisogyny

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electric-spider · 9 months

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Transformers

Hobie x transmasc! Reader

Pairing: hobie x transmasc! Reader

Warnings: mentions of transphobia, mentions of needles, mentions of surgery,sexual comments, ooc, implied smut, not proof read, angst, fluff let me know if I missed anything!

A/N: because I am transmasc myself I decided to write about what I think hobie would be like if you were transmasc.

Usually you were ok with a few slight transphobic comments. But today was just too much, everything seemed to go wrong. First you woke up late for work then you spilled your coffee on yourself and had to change last minute. Next your car broke down and you had to walk to work because the busses weren't running yet. Then you let a co-worker see your scars because you had to borrow one of their shirts. You didn't mind thinking you could trust them but of course with life being against you today they told everybody.

Despite knowing that your boss is openly homophobic. He dug through your files when he finally found your dead name and emailed everyone to call you that plus he gave you a name tag with your dead name. You could quit but how would you pay your bills? You dealt with it in silence but the transphobic comments were really starting to get to you. A few of your co-workers even started saying things like "if I met you sooner I could have changed you~" and others got kinda handsy.

You hated everything and everyone. You started to pick at every single little thing you did. You didn't sound like a boy, you didn't look like a boy, you didn't dress like a boy, you didn't act like a boy, you didn't date girls like most boys would. You hated it. You walked home on shaky legs threatening to buckle underneath you. You blinked away tears for what felt like the 100th time. You had to stay strong. He doesn't know your trans. You can't be sad, he can't know. You finally made it to your apartment.

You grimaced as you looked at yourself in the bathroom mirror before getting in the shower.

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You tried to just put your old binder back on to help at least a little bit. It didn't. You glanced at your phone conflicted. Should you call him? You don't wanna bother him... He's spider-man he probably has better things to do than comfort you... You decide against it and begin thinking about how you are compared to hobie... What if he's playing you... What if- the tapping on your window interrupted your train of thought. You immediately knew it was hobie. You begin to internally panic about what he might be here for.

You got up and opened the window letting hobie in. Closing the window behind him "hey luv" you smile at him "hey bee" you tried your best not to sound sad, tired, like you were going to break any minute. (Key word: tried). Hobie seemed a little caught off guard by your tone "wha's wrong luv?". That's all it took for you to break. Tears streaming down your face and your legs shaking. Hobie caught you before you could fall to you're knees carrying you to your bed. "I-im sorry..." You manage to choke out between sobs.

"shhh, 's fine"

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"can you tell me wha' happened?" You sniffle "work sucked ass" "tha' can' be all luv" "... My co-worker found out im trans and my boss is transphobic and made everyone call me by my dead name.." he stayed quiet for a second "quit, quit your job" "but-" "no, quit then you can cuddle and we can watch movies"

You can probably tell I rushed the ending.

#gn reader #across the spiderverse #atsv #atsv hobie #hobie brown #hobie x reader #male reader #transmasc

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hairscare · 2 years

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Was there any inspiration for your takes on the other creeps? And do you have any fav versions of them from other aus or by other artists?

this is a long one sorry

ngl i really dont look at much creepypasta fan stuff i pretty much stick with my own interpretations. for a lot of them its really just taking these stories where this characters are op edgy crazy killers and being like okay how would these characters actually be as teenagers and then forming their personalities like that.

jeffs obviously a megalomaniac wannabe edgy boy who thinks he can do anything without effort and that leads to him embarrassing himself constantly. extremely comphet unaware gay

ninas story is also very over the top and shes able to like dodge bullets and stuff and is very harley quinn to jeffs joker except theyre both young in these stories so for her its manic pixie dream girl who romanticizes the edgy boy (basically what jeff fangirls were like) but then actually meets him and dates him for a week and is like wtf youre not who i thought you were??? anyways shes scene

janes character is nothing revolutionary really shes goth though i do think she really leans into fancy feminine gothness as both gender expression (shes trans) but also as escapism from the fact that shes just some girl who was thrown into a horribly traumatic situation so she compensates by making herself a character that she feels can overcome the situation and defeat her enemy.

ngl i really dont remember bens creepypasta i know hes supposed to be a hivemind but i also think that personality wise hes like if an imp was a 12 year old. like the demon whatever thing was like you know what i like this kid im gonna be a 12 year old link cosplayer and then he was. so yeah hes a gamer tween who wears those gamer shirts and plays fortnite.

my sally is arguably the most different compared to how shes usually portrayed as a sweet innocent kind young girl. my interpretation is that shes a no filter rambunctious bully bc shes stuck in an 8 year olds body and has severe trauma and doesnt know how to deal with it at such a young age so she puts up walls. shes mean but in a little kid way where its brutally honest and childish all at once. she calls jeff gay and he breaks down crying.

jack is mainly a semiserious tired guy, but he also can be a creature when he wants to. hes depressed mall goth and is team edward forever. he also really likes gardening and nature tho he has a bunch of cacti and likes walking through the woods

slenderman is like how hes normally portrayed except hes more gay and also enjoys gardening

habit is habit hope this helps

the rake is a dog but also a guy who sleeps at the end of slendy and habits bed but also will break into your room and whisper prophecies to you but also is a dog

smile is if a dog was a sassy gay man

the proxies are just vibing college students

the clown throuple visit sometimes and are. killer klowns

and zalgo is a silly dilf

#not gonna tag them all #hair scares #creepypasta

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d0wnp0uringstorm · 1 year

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...

Ok... lets go some things straight. For the past 3-4 years I have been facing thousands of allegations and have been attacked online and in person way to much. I'd like to say that I'm honestly getting tired of it and personally think It needs to stop... So lets get straight into this...

First off let me explain some of my back story. For several years I have been dealing with clinical depression and have been down a really dark path which lead me to go to a mental health hospital back in fifth grade. I got out after about 2 months of being there and was ok for a little while until about half way through 6th grade. I had been in a relationship for about a year when things happened and the relationship ended. I was in a really tight spot and battled with my emotions for the rest of the year. During the summer between 6th and 7th grade my family allowed to let a man move in with us that physically and mentally tormented me. This lasted for a while behind my parents back but every time I tried to say anything my parents didnt believe me. It continued to happen until one day the guy slipped up and did it right in front of my parents causing him to get kicked out... Then 7th grade hit... heh 7th grade. Back in 7th grade I came out as trans publicly. This lead to many problems and me being a huge target (I still am) through out the whole middle school. I tried my hardest to get around everything but this caused me to go down a really dark path which continued into 8th. 8th grade was the worst year there. I had been falsely accused of many things like pedophilia, being homophobic and transphobic and many other things. I was not only hacked that year but my whole survival server had been destroyed... I also lost a whole bunch of friends I thought I could trust that year. It brought back many trust issues and stuff like that. That year I was also physically attacked on numerous occasions including an incident in the restroom I would rather not get into... I had come out to my parents a few months before 8th and the only person who really shows any support is my mother which is very little. I was called many slurs everyday... towards the end of 8th grade my mother went through a surgery that almost killed her which would have made it so that Id live with only my stepfather. I love him yes but we dont get along very well and just being us would put a lot of weight on my shoulders. 8th grade was also the year that I suffered to the point where I started doing s/h... I was told that I was faking being scuicidal and that I should really just end it... I attempted ending it which left me in the hospital for about a week and a half... I came back to still be dealing with the same stuff. My never ending nightmare. After 8th grade graduation I spent the summer mainly gathering my thoughts and not streaming or uploading much. Most of my uploads were to tiktok which is where I know almost have 1k followers. Im now in my 9th grade year and shits getting worse. I have been having bad thoughts and they are starting to get really loud... I mainly stick around for the people that actually care and I have been living off the bare minimum to keep my body functional. I have been losing a lot more friends recently, most due to arguments and stabbing me in the back and a few from suicide... I have been struggling quite a bit and being a constant target isnt helping. I feel like I'm running out of space to breathe and a little to close to the edge of the blade. Im running of the few people who bring me joy. Normally on empty I shuffle through the day. At this point I've killed myself but no one knows that your not talking to me, your talking to a scarecrow. Now I live on a razors edge about to slip. And these things are whats got me close.

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frenchfrywrites · 2 years

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Your Trey thoughts.. phenomenal

If you don’t mind me sharing some brain rot?

Trey definitely has eldest ‚sister‘ vibes, yknow what I mean? So trans Trey? Absolutely. Building on that he is definitely tired of being the responsible one all the time, he’s always looking after others, so he definitely likes being taken care of, or not thinking during sex (hypno♥︎). Im pretty sure I read somewhere that it’s cannon hes a sadist, so what I’m hearing is that he likes leaving marks, when he gets worked up he’s the sort to rake his nails down your back and squirm, even when he’s on his back he tries to press his face into the pillows. He ends up knocking his glasses askew but when you take them off him he ends up just going glassy eyed, you’re so right about him liking beast men (total size queen smh), he’s wants the sense fucked out of him. Cries if you suck his clit, honestly the best trait a man can have xx

Anyways hi I haven’t said anything for ages even tho I check ur blog like daily, I’m pretty sure I was 🍵 but tumblr won’t let me check tags smh

Hi!! It's good to hear from you :) I definitely don't mind you sharing brainrot 🥰

I completely agree, Trey needs a break!! He needs to be fucked dumb or made dumb and then fucked!!! Trey and hypno go together perfectly. Imagine this responsible, put together man getting all drooly and dumb for you🥵

Either he'd like hypno, or overstimulation.. sucking his clit until it's puffy and sore; he's got tears pouring down his cheeks, his legs are trembling, but he's begging more (and that's about all he can do).

Now I'm not sure about him being a confirmed sadist but he's definitely got some sadistic moments hehe! Something about him... I just feel like he'd be secretly really possessive, so I'm with you on him scratching you up a bit to leave you with a few marks.

#your brainrot is all 100% true and real for me #big brain anon.. massive #french fry replies #spice #thirst #cw hypno #♣️ anon

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roseofmortality · 1 year

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to those i may or may not know, and myself: im tired of my own inaction. now is the time to begin asserting my true self physically-- materially-- or i may as well be walking around but actually dead.

as my mom once told some authoritative figure from my elementary school, she didnt want her precious child becoming a zombie from medicine (s)he did not 'need'.

to my mom, who will likely never see this: ive had plenty of doses of 'performing womanhood' and it's making me a zombie, mom. and you didnt want that. i know for certain i do not need it, as you were sure then that i did not need Ritalin for my undiagnosed adhd, except i know me better than anyone else. even you.

to myself: i refuse to leave my twenties behind with nothing to show for it. from what i've seen and read, your thirties are for being stable and finally being comfortable with yourself, as you still enjoy being in your prime somewhat, yet you have wisdom and knowledge that you might have longed for ten years prior (or even ignored outright in some cases).

this... really isnt a coming out post. most of you already know i am a trans man. and if you do not, now you know (and i cant blame you for not reading my about page or carrd, even though i try my best to make it short and sweet).

this is more of a thing for me. instead of putting it in a physical notebook and not looking back, i am putting it here as a declaration and proof of my tipping point. i have had enough.

however, i cant just start creating tension at home by asserting myself. at least not yet. i need a plan-- mostly of things i can do right now to improve my situation.

i must find better work while still somewhat closeted. i need to do this for other reasons, too, but if i got full time employment or even part time somewhere making 12 or more usd an hour, that would be a huge boon so i can save money.

i need to be able to legally drive. i am already working on this with my dad, and i am studying to get my learner's permit. this is actually higher on my priority list than number one, but since this is already in the works, i feel safe enough to look for work elsewhere at the moment.

set up a new email, resume, etc with my real name (fuck saying preferred name, raphael is my name, and you will fucking call me by that name).

i have said this since 2020, but a binder is a must if i intend to apply for jobs using a masculine name. i hope adding this layer of a professional need to it will make me suck it up and pay a good amount for a decent binder (or two).

this is the plan for now. hopefully by the time i start things like hrt down the road, i will have moved out or am in the process of moving out on my own, because my mom does not listen to me. none of my family listens to me except for my older brother.

they're fucking around and they're about to find out. im done with these games. im about to go make my new email right now.

#merctxt #gonna make a new personal post tag as well #long post #i also gotta pay for my new insurance plan so i can start some gotdamn therapy #thanks if you read also #but i just needed to get it out there to make myself do something

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butchviking · 2 years

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tbf there are women (like me) who when we put on makeup are fully aware that we are putting it on only to conform to gender norms and avoid social stigma. like yeah it’s different than women who have never worn makeup, but i feel like there’s more of a scale. i only wear it once or twice a month and honestly it makes me a little angry when i do. if/when i become more willing to take on the consequences of eschewing gender norms i will never wear it again

ok so that post was one i put in my queue when i was angry - bc u shouldnt argue on the internet when ur angry lmao and i do too often so sometimes i put shit in queue to discuss when ive calmed down. problem is my queue is currently over two weeks long so sometimes i forget exactly what prompted the post. HOWEVER.

if i recall correctly that was abt this attitude i see, more often than not from gender-conforming women, that gnc women who disidentify with their sex are. basically self-absorbed sexist idiots who, by disidentifying, are implying that all women except them must love the female gender role and must love being oppressed. like a ~im not like the other girls~ thing. but with 'not like the other girls' i think a lot of ppl are now coming to recognise that, yeah, sometimes it's a sexist statement bc one particular woman thinks she's sooooo much deeper and more human than the other women around her - but sometimes, it's because she can see very clearly that she's NOT like other women. and has felt ostracisation and loneliness about that nd has felt like there must be something wrong with her for being so unlike the typical women in her life. and with trans identity it's often the same thing.

i just can no longer make the space in my heart to sympathise with gender-conforming women who act like gnc women disidentifying w womanhood is some kind of personal attack on them, or on all women. women in makeup and heels who act like it's a slight against them for a gnc woman (who will pretty certainly have faced shit in her life for being gnc) to look at them and say. i'm not her. i'm not whatever she is. i must be something different because if that's what women are then i'm not one and i don't want to be one. it's an argument i'm so fucking tired of hearing and nine times out of ten i will stand w a gnc female who identifies as trans bc she doesn't see any room in the definition of womanhood for her any day before i stand w gender-conforming women who mock or belittle her for that.

i recognise there's a scale of gender conformity, and makeup was just one example, and i know not all women who wear makeup wear it all the time - but, as you say, it is a concession to avoid social stigma. so to me it's like. let she who is without sin cast the first stone. how's a woman who makes concessions to gender because she doesn't have the strength to face the repercussions of refusing to conform going to criticise other women for the concessions they make to get through the repercussions they are facing for refusing to conform.

and one extra point: you say 'it’s different than women who have never worn makeup' but, while i know there are such women out there (and by god, good for them), it's worth noting that for some women - for me, personally - they might have made concessions to gender at times. because they felt like it's what they had to do. what they were supposed to do. as a girl. as a woman. and sometimes, it's disidentifying with womanhood that makes them feel like they're ALLOWED to not do that shit anymore. for several years as a teen i shaved my legs & my pits, wore light makeup most days, even wore skirts and dresses at times. it made me feel like an alien. i hated it. but i'd always been given the message that it was just What Women Do and it's part of growing up that you have to get used to that. and when i discovered i didn't 'have to be a woman' there was a freedom in that for me. i could stop shaving. i never had to wear makeup. when someone told me i walked like a man or dressed like a man or talked like a man or whatever, it didn't have to be an insult. i could take pride in being as masculine and as free & unconstrained by the trappings of femininity as i liked. sure, that's a concession to gender in its own way. patriarchy isn't going to be overthrown by women only feeling comfortable with gender non-conformity when they convince themselves they aren't women. but patriarchy isn't going to be overthrown by women wearing heels and makeup so people will be nice to them, either. you're no better than us.

#ask #anonymous #hope this makes sense i just got off a 12hr shift and i have a fever lol #note i know i said 'you' at the end there but i dont actually mean u anon <3 #u havent pretended to be better and this whole rant ofc isnt really aimed at u #just smthn i had 2 get out & is aimed at those who DO act holier-than-thou abt this #ps this is also NOT aimed at proud gnc women who feel anger and a sense of abandonment at other gnc women who disidentify.#i could prob say a lot abt that too nd i still dont agree if they mock or belittle but. ultimately i am much more sympathetic 2 their angle

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disillusionedmonster · 2 years

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im black radfem and i honestly i feel so tired and depressed and so so angry about trans using black women in every discussion like if black women are men and sometimes i cry because of this whole thing about black women i dont know how to strength myself it’s just that on top of everything else happening right now that upsetting me trans and their supporters think black women are men and they get misgendered then a black woman talks about her natural hair and everyone tell her she is ugly and body shame her and mock her natural hair…etc sometimes all this makes me want to disappear i sadly prefer to be an ignorant tradwife who worship males over women than to go through all this as black woman it’s too much and tiring

i think maybe if i was a white radfem it will be less painful i wouldn’t worry about people losing their mind over my natural hair or telling me im a man and white women feminine more than me and if they wont let men in women’s spaces then black women shouldn’t either and my own community put me down sometimes more than white people but i dont know

i dont know how to survive this and i dont think i will

Hey anon, I'm sorry you feel this way. I get really angry about this too. I am so sick of seeing people use black women as scapegoats to further their stupid agendas. They are putting their racism on display everytime they open their moronic mouths and liberals praise them for somehow being so progressive. They aren't even masking their racism, it's disgusting.

I think the best way to maybe deal with this is to reach out to more like-minded individuals and forge connections with them. It can feel so alienating to be so aware when it doesn't seem like others are. I believe in women and I believe that it will get better. Maybe look into some radfem discords or DM tumblrs you would like to connect with. You're not alone and I want you to know that there is support out there. You absolutely have mine.

#hidden hugs for hidden friends #hidden friend #anon #ask #answered #intersection of racism and misogyny #radfem

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genderqueerwhohatesithere · 23 days

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where are all the trans men…at least in the queer spaces im in its predominantly trans women which is great yknow? but there will be like one or two other trans guys. if that. and they won’t be super active. i saw someone make a reddit post with similar feelings about bisexual men. and yeah. i’m gonna be honest, i think the way misandry has been made into a cute and funny joke and people casually throw out things about hating all men has deeply affected men in minority groups. the fact that people don’t see this astounds me. because i am a trans man, people see “man” and block out anything i’m saying like this. if i say i’m genderfluid, i might get a bit more leeway. it’s just frustrating. it’s maddening. i already have to deal with bs from cis people, i shouldn’t have to deal with hatred from my own community. it was so bad i was afraid to transition. i have a fucking complex about how being a girl is better bc it’s been fucking drilled into me. i’ve seen other trans men say similar things. when will people start listening?

stop saying shit like that. it affects ppl. correct your friends. Just give people the same respect you want to be given. it’s that simple. no matter their gender, sexuality, orientation, whatever. it should not be a hot button issue for me to say, hey maybe it’s a bad thing when we say ALL of “x group” is bad about anyone. but people seem to have blinders on right now.

right in front of me, people will say they hate all men and don’t trust them. do they not see me as a man, or do they simply not care? why do i have to tell people to have empathy( to acknowledge nuance.

it’s LITERALLY i’ve been bit by pitbulls so all pitbulls should be put down. this kind of logic has been used time and time again and it’s so old! it’s so tired! no one is benefiting from it.

be specific!! “i hate when men do x.”, “i hate the way cis men fetishize me” etc. figure it out. my god.

when you say stuff like, “it’s implied we aren’t talking about everyone” no it is fucking not. then i’m walking on eggshells around you.

#trans #trans masc #chatters #misandry #i’m #so #tired #so fucking tired #come at me and i’ll just block you #don’t waste my time

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evilyurifan · 2 months

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TIRF is "trans inclusive radical feminism" the problem is it is still "radical feminism" and based of their ideals of men are evil and tainted and women are good holy and pure. its STILL transphobic, it puts trans women that arent pure enough for them (aka dont pass, have the wrong opinions) in the "men" category and trans women who DO pass and share their opinions on a pedestal to point at and go "see were not transphobic!!" just as traditional radfems attempt to do with transmascs. also, obviously, they really hate trans men and believe they should be ousted from trans communities for the crime of being a man. and obviously if their trans woman on a pedestal speaks out they are also relegated to the man category. all radical feminism is based in bioessentialism, tirfs just put a coat on in an attempt to recruit. it just all boils down to hating men. :/

if its still transphobic how is it it different from normal terfism. and if its still transphobic and bioessentialist “man-hating” why was a literal trans woman being accused of it. i gotta be honest this really sounds like trying to spin terfism into being about transmascs.

also theres a difference between being transphobic & bioessentialist and just like. hating men for normal feminist anti-patriarchy reasons. hating men is great i do it all the time i encourage it.

im too tired to give a full explanation why i disagree with the frankly jordan peterson style men’s rights framing of “ousted for the crime of being a man” or to explain why no i dont think this is all about “hating men” i think its actually about misogyny and patriarchal gender categories, but i have to wake up early and go get an ultrasound for my goddamn kidney tomorrow so im gonna recommend reading Vivek Shraya’s “I’m Afraid of Men” okay

#inbox

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journalofsorts2 · 11 months

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past suicidal ideation

im proud of myself. i've made so much progress on myself and im at a point where i can realize that and i can appreciate that. a couple years ago i wanted to die and i was working on ways to achieve that but over the years it went away. over the years "*insert specific method to off myself*" turned into "i want to kms" to "i want to die" to "this is awful". i can't remember the last time i had a passive suicidal thought. and that is huge. that is a huge milestone. i've wanted to be dead since i was 9 and now im able to find peace in living. i've made so much progress on myself. i've come so far. im still a bit of a mess, but that's what being alive is about. no one is perfect and no one has it all together, but now im not completely broken down. i just need a touch up here and there. maybe a new paint job. the metaphor here is that im a car and i was a complete hunk of junk before but i put in the effort and turned the me car into something drivable and something i wouldn't be embarrassed to drive. but im alive! the year is 2023 and i am alive! this is huge! i enjoy being alive! medication and therapy didn't do this, i did this. i put in the work and i made myself feel better. i can look in the mirror. i can take showers without breaking down. do you know how huge that is? you know what i think was a huge step in feeling better? figuring out im trans. i think that once i figured out i was a man, it became easier to look in the mirror. im not some girl who's weird for not liking having huge boobs, im a guy who was never supposed to have boobs. im not a weird girl for feeling deeply uncomfortable with having periods, im a guy who was never supposed to have periods. im not a weird girl for wanting facial hair, im a guy who was supposed to grow up and get facial hair. idk life became easier once i figured out who i am. it's not that i was pretending to be something i wasn't, it's that i was pretending to be something but i wasn't sure what that something was. but now i know what i am. i don't have to pretend. im me and that's enough. it's okay to just be me, and it's okay to not know who exactly i am. i love me and me is good. idk sorry if none of this made sense, i just got off a long shift during night rush and im tired. tldr, i love me, and im proud that i've come far enough to realize im worth loving.

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avo-kat · 2 years

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i’m non-binary.

i realized this last year, when i was 30.

i knew about the term before and even though i am queer, very tolerant and very leftist, i always, silently, thought to myself “ok thats something the kids are doing. i dont get it but good for them.”

i remember struggling with my gender identity a lot in my teens. i thought it was a natural consequence of being born female in our current world.

i was wrong.

what changed?

people started talking about it more and more. it wasnt just “the kids” being non-binary and using those “silly” neo-pronouns, it was people of all ages and all classes talking about being non-binary.

my story is a bit silly, honestly. i discovered a new song and listened to it for hours on end, like many of us do. except, i could not look away from the singer. i kept staring at him. i was feeling something i never felt before.

the man is attractive, but that was not it. i was not attracted to him, not at all.

but there was... longing.

it was a sudden and fierce kind of longing. my soul was screaming and i cried, not knowing whether from joy or pain.

i printed out his pictures and kept staring and staring and staring and not understanding. what was it about him? what was going on with me?

so i braved the stormy waters and researched what it meant to be trans. for if this was not attraction, then it must be linked with gender.

and i searched. and i questioned. i was so very, very afraid. was i trans? did i want to be a man?

just a few months ago i went from bisexual to lesbian, this could not happen! i could not put down my queer love for woman! this could not be happening!

i did not want to be trans. that would be a very scary thing indeed, but i did not stop, i did not turn back. i had to know.

i read stone butch blues by leslie feinberg and i understood.

at the end of the day:

it should not matter.

it does, unfortunately. it matters a whole fucking lot.

i still have to put on a gender that my workplace understands, i still have to present a gender that strangers can accept, i have to wear a gender to protect myself and to live without a great amount of work.

its not easy and it sucks and i do doubt myself. but this is my doubt. not anybody elses. its private, it belongs to me. it sucks that other people look at me and see a cis woman, it sucks that this needs to be thing at all, that we made rules in such a way that most of us have to be one or the other, even though its completely pointless.

my cis ex didnt see me as non-binary, and while i understand, it really sucked.

im tired and a bit sad and i do doubt myself, but im also very much sure and nobody is allowed to doubt me. its mine. not anybody elses.

im non-binary. or maybe im nothing, maybe im both, maybe im ten genders, maybe im one thing one day, maybe another thing the next day. does it matter? it shouldnt.

i just wanna exist in peace. i wanna wear eyeliner and present my hairy legs and not worry about rejection or worse.

i dont want to doubt myself any longer, i wish things would be different, i wish any of this would not be necessary and we all could be who we are, no questions, no doubts, just being ourselves.

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