#im so fucking exhausted and i just dont wanna do this shit anymore

[angel-of-sweet-revenge]

When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out

#vent #its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything #i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant. #im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something- #-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again. #plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal) #and just #im fucking tired ok #and I'm sorry im a bad friend #i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some. #but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired #i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn? #and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON. #I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it #but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit #and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them #and they can lash out on me #i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not #last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend #it wasnt my fault #that friend ghosted me #im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too #but at the same time im too done to even really care #i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day

[ouchhq]

,,

#im exhausted #im so tired of everything i just cried my eyes out and i want to throw up #i am so tired of meaning nothing to no one i feel like im just here to be kind and show people theyre loved and appreciated and get #treated like thats just what i am and what i do #like . none of my friends from different friend groups apparently give a shit about me #i feel like im always putting my feelings and my whole being aside to make sure everyone feels valued and appreciated but no one does that #for me #i have been feeling like SHIT for forever and lately more than usual but i say nothing because i dont wanna burden people with the weight #of me and my issues… but i subtly let them know and i know they know #and still people come to me only for support theyre like ‘hey how areu u’ and when i //jokingly// say i feel like shit (because i dont #bother lying anymore) they just dismiss it and proceed to say how they’re having issues and whatever and being the stupid caring idiot i am #i ask them if they wanna talk about it and all of that and i try to support them but i never ever get that back and it fucking sucks !!!!!!! #IT SUCKS ASS I WANNA SCREAM #i feel so lonely #i was talking about this with some people how i always try to make everyone fee comfortable even if it means making myself feel #uncomfortable and i always put myself aside and let others shine and #stupid example but listen: i went to gardaland with my friends last night. there were 3 of us. i was always ALWAYS behind them #third wheeling #why? because theyre much more confident and generally speaking self absorbed and they feel that they have to be at the front at all times #and im not saying this because i dislike them im just saying because ive known them for years and ive studied their behavior #and i let them stay in front butbi spent the whole night walking behind them and waiting in line behind them and they just left me there #but how come im always the only one who tries to fucking care for everyone ????? is anyone ever gonna care for me?? ever???? #i feel so lonely and worthless i just want to cry

[pizzapizzadickz]

im exhausted.

#diary #personal #idk why but im really tired and sad all of a sudden #drugs tw #disordered eating #well i have an inkling. i may still have the weed fucking with my brain. i havent eaten. and my birthday is soon #also i havent been talking to ppl much and have too much shit on my plate so its stressing me out. #suicidal ideation #haaaaah. im just exhausted. i dont wanna do anything anymore. i dont wanna worry about all the time im wasting im tired #id rather be high all the time. idk. i watched this movie about addiction recently. and it was interesting #i can relate somewhat on a lower level i guess. but really i found it sorta annoying. #all these people care so much about one person and i just dont get it. never have really. #i dont get why people alway say things about suicide like its all shameful and creates a burden on others. #idk man. like thats their feelings. like. i just. i dont understand or like it. #if someone fucks up their life or even kills themselves. how is that someone elses buisneess? #like. i just dont fully get it. they always say its cowardly to kill yourself and all that but why? #its all just social conception and fabrication #in the end its all meaningless anyways. idk. i understand how someone close to you dying would such. #but in the end. its best to help that person as much as you can. but in the end this too is a decision they made. #can everyone just be respectful of it in the end? i dont get why ppl put so much emphasis on their part. does it even matter? #in the end. no matter what i do. its not going to amount to anything. im not gonna become someone amazing overnight. #nor do i really care to. so why does it matter. like. why do we all try to keep these ppl alive. #i dont rly know what my point is here. i dont really know whats going on. #my heads all fuzzy bc of how i feel. ik my mind is clouded. but its just something ill never understand #i dont get why we need others. its nice. but in the end something ill never really have? #ik i refuse to open up. and in the end all i need is to choose to try. and i guess thats the problem. im too tired to. #sometimes. you just dont wanna try anymore. maybe thats why im binging drugs again. #im just tired. and idk. watching that movie made me think that easily couldve been me. or could be in a few years. #and in the end does it really matter what happens? not really. no. not at all. #in the end it all comes down to choices. impulsive or not. made or not. we all choose.

[whisp3roftheheart]

Sometimes I hate that my friend group is so close knit because whenever I'm having issues with one person there is never any real escape from them. At least no meaningful one because no matter what things will always circle back to them and I'll be forced to interact.

#eden speaks #im going to pride tomorrow with my best friend and im so worried my ex is gonna be pissed i didnt invite her since we've all gone together #for the past few years #like i shouldn't care this much but this stresses me out so much #i just wanna hang out with my friend honestly it has nothing to do with my ex at the end of the day #im just really really worried shes gonna make it about her if she finds out we went #im also REALLY stressed shes gonna be there and we're gonna come across her out of nowhere and ill have to explain why i didnt invite her #i have all of these made up problems in my head that arent even problems yet but i stress over them #i just wanna hang out with my best friend. every time i hang out with my ex i feel like im hanging out with the equivalent of a soggy piece #piece of paper. shes just a downer!! and it makes me feel like shit every time we interact #and i dont like how things left off last time i hung out with her :// i was stressed and she asked to kiss me and i said a firm no #i feel like im stuck in highschool im 22 fucking years old!! i never dealt with this shit in highschool #i dont want to deal with this shit now. i think my issue is is that i dont know how to be mean #or im too scared to be mean #i wish she would ghost me tbh or tell me she cant handle talking anymore #because dealing with the aftermath of everything is exhausting especially when i feel like i have to tiptoe around her feelings #shes always upset at me because apparently i look like i got over shit too quickly and that doesnt make any sense?? i can easily fake that #this shit probably makes no sense anymore im just so ready for it all to be over #im gonna have fun with my best friend at pride tomorrow. im gonna smoke some weed beforehand. we're gonna have a great time #even if my ex IS there. its not my job to cater to her feelings. its not my job. #i could say so much more because theres so much fucked context but im gonna refrain before im here all night l #delete later

[dipperthedestructor]

-_-

#em bluhs #why tf it have to be so hard to get disabilty?????????? like it takes 3 to 6 MONTHS?? gurl. god i just wanna not #fuck just lemme not.exist pls pls pls plsplsplsplsplspls i dont wanna think about money anymore i dont wanna think about anything #i cant fucking do this ! i am not meant to live !!!!!! i am not meant for this world !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! catch me in my next life ! #this is probably just pmdd but fucking shit im so exhausted i wanna be done i wanna be gone im sorry im sorry #i'll be fine i'll be fine i just need to go back to sleep for a little or something. FUCK

[twstedforyou]

toooo everyone askin if im alright i went to the hospital for a whiel aprpently but i literally cant rememrber anyuthing and everytime i ask people arouns me they allo cant remmerber but thats propabyl beacuse were a household of rellrllly rlylry rly lr ylrly rold peeps like 60s 70s level and out ELDEDST 9not my big sis theres two of them alien rememrbe_ and whatevr they work at is super exhausting n inapaprently so they always come home superpsupeurpsure tire d too and be careful its about to get WACKK FROM HERE ON ccchehck youselr f before you wereck youself BUCKOS STAY SAFE DONT DO WEIRD DRUGS OR LET YOUR BLIND AS SHIT ALSO PRPPOLY A LIL LOOPY TIRED OLD POPS GIVE YOU DRUGS WHEN HE BARELY SPeAKS ENGLISH UNLEsss ITS HALLMAKR CARD PERFEVT HOW MANY DOCTORS DID YOU FINDNND WHAT AM I TAKIN WHY DOES NO ONE KNOW JACK SHIT WHERE DID WE PUT ANYTYHIIIIN IN THIS HOUSE ITS SO FUCKIN COLD IN ERHER MY HANDA ARE SHAKIN AND BRUNIN AND GOD SMITE ME WHERE I STHAND AT THIS POINT IF I BIT E THE DUST PUT MY ASHES ON PAAPER AND SEND IT TO THAT BOWLCUT TSPIN SHIT IF I DREW YOU SOMETHING KEEP IT ITS YOURS I HOPE IT MAKES YOU HAPPY cauSE THEY MAKE ME HAPPY EAT ELL WELL GO OUTSEIDE HAVE FUN GO BUCK WILD THIS IS MY FORMAL LEGALS WRITtEN WORD DO YOU KNOW MNAY REPOSTS AND SPEACCHES AND PLOTLITCS AND NEWS AND SCINCE NSFKL ANDMEDICINEINF IVE HAD TO WRITE AND TYPEW AND ORAGICNE N KLADJLJLADKJ I I MADE THIS FOR THE FUCKING PEOPL AND THE PEAPLE DEMANDA IT JUST FUCKING GO FOR IT I WANNA SEE IT LET THIS BE MY CURSED LEGACY WASH IT CLAEN BABBYYY JST DO ITTTTTTTTTTTT WRITE OR DRAW IT I AINT FUCKIN STOPPIN OYOU ANYMORE IT SYOURS

BUT ALSO IM GOONNA BR DRAWIN AND WRITING IT WE CAN COMPARE NOTES OR WAHTER ILL SEE YALL IN HELL IM GOING BACK IN THE HOEL THE DITVCH WONDER:AND WIXARD OF OZ NARNIA INTOT HE FUCKING DIFERS OGT AHT GINAT VOALCANO WHYA RE WE ALSO WATCHING SHOWS OF PEOPLE KICKIN THE BUCKET ANYWAS IM OUT PEACE LOVE YALL STAY SAFE WATCH OUT FOR OLD PEPOPLEIF IM ATILL KCIKK IN ILL REPOST BACK MAYBE PRETTY SURE ILL FOEGET AGAIN BUT HELL YEAH IM STILL HERE

[oscpaistry]

Misunderstood.

You and Kylian have been in a relationship for 4 years now. But you feel unheard and misunderstood by him. The media is causing you two stress and argument. At one moment Kylian had enough and he thought it would be the best if you two broke up. But all you wanted from him is to be heard and understood. You went out off the house and told the whole media that your taking a long break and why. About your mental health and much more.

Kylian and you were finally back home from the red carpet. Kylian was scrolling through his phone while you were changing out off your dress.

"Are you actually fucking serious?" You hear Kylian telling himself.

"Whats wrong Kylian?" You ask him while coming into the room he was in.

"Tell me the truth Y/n. Im sick and tired of the lies." He says with a stern voice.

"What do you mean Kylian? What have i done this time?" You say with a sigh in your breath.

"I saw on Instagram that your mental health is at risk again!" He says with a sarcastic tone in his voice.

You sigh. "It is Kylian. Im so stressed and mentally drained. I dont have any motivation to do anything at this point. And i-" you tried to say but he spoke through your sentence.

"Pff Y/n. Don't be so dramatic. You have it simple. You only have to sit at home, do the groceries, model, get clothes, get your nails done and much more." He says while laughing at you.

You look down and feel something in your throat. It feels like you can't swallow.

"Mhm" you say and go back to the bathroom.

"Okay if you wanna act like that and act as if you have so many problems go ahead. Be my guest. But not in my house Y/n. Go somewhere else and cry about it. I dont have time for it. And besides. I dont see your stress and see that your sad or some shit." He says while throwing and bag at you.

Your eyes started to swell up and you pick up the bag. You pack some stuff and went downstairs. You took a glas of water and drank it before you left. You two didnt speak in those 30 minutes of packing. You grabbed your car keys and went outside to go in your car.

You went to a hotel somewhere in Paris. You asked for a room for one. The front desk lady gave you the room card 267. You went up with the lift and went onto your phone. You left the lift and went to your room.

At the end of the hall you see room 267. You entered and as soon you saw the bed you just feel into it and cried.

Your eyes were already swollen and red from crying.

Your phone was going off none stop. You check it and see texts from Neymar, Achraf, Messi and Ramos. They were asking why you were acting like this and were shaming you. You sighed at the messages. Those people were the ones you trusted with your heart. And then in one snap they turn their back at you. It broke you into million pieces. You decided to post on Instagram that you were taking a break bcs off your mental health. This is what it said in your post.

"Hey guys, there is something i want to clear up and say. So the media is spreading rumors around of me. Those are completely not true and are lies. Kylian saw those posts. And because of those posts Kylian and i are having alot of arguments. Im not at Kylian's right now. That doesnt really matter right now. But those posts have me giving stress. But ive been already suffering with bipolar disorder. Ive been so mentally drained fir he past few months it isnt really okay anymore. I havent got any motivation to do anything anymore. Im physically so exhausted. Ill be taking a break from social media for now. I dont know for how long. I hope you guys understand. I love you guys. Im sorry."

You read it again and again. You took a deep breath and posted it. You put your phone in the drawer and went to unpack and to take a shower.

After the shower you went to change. You heard the vibrations from your phone. You went to grab your phone and saw texts off Kylian, Neymar and Messi.

"Sorry Y/n. I didnt know you were struggling with all that."

That is what Neymar, Kylian and Messi texted you. You sigh and leave them on read...

#psg football #football imagines #kylian mbappe #mbappe imagine #sadcore

[anradalikesfish]

god i am still so angry about ventique defending ugigiugi like fucking apollo are you that blind

yeah yeah they're your friend and you dont wanna see them getting "attacked" but if you really ARE someone's friend you wouldnt be afraid to call them out on their bullshit

and if they decide to unfriend you after that? then they weren't really your friend

an actual friend would try to become better once you showed them the error of their ways

a decent person would try to become better and give an actual apology for the things they've done or said and actually make an effort to make up for past mistakes

but no, all you did was throw a pathetic little tantrum at us while trying to defend a person whos actions arent even justifiable, and all she (ugigiugi) did was shift the blame on the people calling her out and playing the victim

calling us "embarrassing" and "pathetic", motherfucker you know whats embarrassing and pathetic? being an artist and supporting someone who TRACES art and puts it out calling it their own.

and you didnt even fucking do anything to address the damn situation and the plagiarism or provide proof that would render her innocent (which is a fucking lie btw) because you're so fucking busy defending someone who doesnt even deserve to be defended

to be honest i used to, keyword USED TO like your art i USED TO like seeing your posts but its always just malleus malleus malleus, malleus this, malleus that, malleus malleus malleus its so fucking TIRING and exhausting

your comics aren't even entertaining and the constant innuendoes arent even funny anymore with how overused they are

and the way you feel the need to relate every. fucking. THING. to malleus is soOOOOOO SICKENING its always just the same bullshit over and over, this little thing could be related to any character or NO character at all but its ALLLLWAYS MALLEUS MALLEUS MALLEUS its so fucking REPETITIVE and it doesnt even make SENSE anymore

and the way you keep fucking going and showing shit or dialogue from the game and going "malleyuu is canon!!" BITCH its NOT a FUCKING DATING. SIMULATOR.

its NOT an otome you ARENT supposed to date them you are FREE to SHIP THEM but dear GOD stop fucking INSISTING THAT YOUR GODDAMN SHIP IS FUCKING CANON AND GETTING MAD AND THROWING A TEMPER TANTRUM WHEN PEOPLE SAY THEY DONT LIKE MALLEUS OR YOUR FUCKING SHIP

i cannot COUNT how many times ive seen you make a post with "malleus isnt overrated" HE IS YOU DUMBASS HES SO OVERLY GLORIFIED AND THE FANDOM WORSHIPS HIM LIKE AN IDOL GOOD FUCKING CHRIST WHY ARE YOU SO IN DENIAL

tl;dr: i fucking hate ventique and ugigiugi now ive had ENOUGH

im fucking tired

#its so fucking irritating #people are free to ship whatever they like yeah but a fucking MINOR AND A GROWN WOMAN??? #doesnt matter that they're fictional because most of the time it reflects on your actual morals #i understand liking gore and making body horror art and liking yan content #but you wouldnt ACTUALLY support that (yandere content) unless youre a sick bastard #again #it wouldve been FINE if she at LEAST aged them up or aged down her oc #but no she kept them the same fucking age its so DISGUSTING #and her oc's relationship with the tweels is just so heavily fucking sexualized which is absolutely loathsome #yes #i myself ship my oc with floyd #yes i have obviously thought about the not so appropriate stuff about them #but fuckinG DEMETER at LEAST they're close in age #AND at least it isnt the premise of theyre ENTIRE FUCKING RELATIONSHIP. #god #twst #tagging this in the main tag because i am sick and tired #cw ugigiugi #cw ventique #just in case #rant #cw rant #tw rant #tw ventique #tw ugigiugi #look im putting the tw for these users because there is no way in hell that im the only one this triggered about them #GOD #GODDDD #losing my mind

[chiyoso]

(vent) you know, my series, the mara's will?

i truly, truly did not expect the positive outcome when i wrote and published it, i didn't plan to make a part two, i didn't plan to make it a series

it was just a fic heavily inspired by the song tot musica by ado

hence, the nordic runes i implemented

yes, absolutely, i adore the support for it i truly do, i'm happy people love it, my idea, my fic, my writing for that piece

but i honestly, genuinely i have no idea where it leads, i have no idea how it'll end, i have no idea what to do with it, i've come to terms that everyone will have different opinions, different views and different expectations on how it'll end

and that scares me. it resurfaces my people pleasing problem immensely.

i'm not not that skilled in writing yet, at least in my perspective

my imaginations heavily contrast to my current skill in writing, i want to express DETAILED fight scenes, but my brain circuits on what words to use for it, because in my mind, the movements are way, way too complex.

the dialogue, the actions, the powers, the usage of weaponry, they're all too complex in my mind, and my vocabulary, my choice of words, my lack of knowledge when it comes to other words, it frustrates me greatly.

more undercut

so i fucking mean when i say this

the writers i have encountered throughout tumblr? fuck. you are all so fucking amazing. i have known some to several of you who continue to write, even in a state of burnout, even in a state of... i dont know, anything that's bothering you, but you still continue to write? FUCK. i dont understand how you do it, but you're so STRONG. you absolutely, absolutely are.

because here i type away, heavily frustrated, plagued with immense, constant burnout, mental exhaustion, writers block, me healing from depression, with multiple projects, drafts, edits to do, pending requests, and i'm just... ugh. — fuck i dont know how you all do it, but you are all so strong. so, so, strong.

i dont want to discontinue the mara's will, but i cant... muster up any ideas for it either.

it was an impulse fic, heavily inspired by a song. a song from one piece.

i purposely left chapter 1 on a cliffhanger, i intended it to be that way because it was fitting to the plot.

and now... with part two out, it- i feel it was rushed, and it was getting too long, too long to the point where tumblr doesn't allow me to edit it anymore, so its stuck that way. rushed, full of mistakes, etc

shit i dont know what to do with it. fuck my people pleasing problem man. so many requests flooded me for a next part, and i did, i delivered. but why do i feel so... dejected? fuck.

i think i'm being too harsh on myself, but that's most likely because of the eerie, sudden silence — in which i'm still continuing to distract myself from (thank god for games and anime)

and if i had a drawing tablet again, things would be so much easier, i wanna draw fanart again, i wanna draw scara, lyney, nnngh i wanna draw hsr men too !!!! im so!!! nnh!!!

gahhh fuck i need lyney, neuvi, scara or geto to hug me tightly

#🗣️ hiraeth is venting

[lorettapetrichor]

i get it now. i get the anger and frustration that disability causes. and i get how at the same time youre just too fucking exhausted to feel the full depth of it. why cant i have an easier time? why cant i be healthy like i was a few years ago before the heds first went from silly goofy joints to constant exhaustion and pain? my pain meds aint doing shit now. almost every second im awake im just absolutely aching and thats not even the joint pain. ive dislocated my elbow twice in a month and it hurts to draw. once im home from school im pretty much in bed for the rest of the day between pain and fatigue. when im not distracted with something else my brain just starts sending me kys anons. i dont even wanna die but ig thats just the only solution it can think up when im in constant pain like this. im so miserable and the rest of my life is just gonna be this i guess. i get why my older cousin with the same issues smokes weed all the time now. how are you supposed to handle this?? i used to love hiking and running around in the creek and larping and playing ultimate frisbee and now i cant do that stuff anymore. i start getting mad at losing it all and then i realize im too tired anyways and then i start crying because i had dreams that were too big for what ended up hitting me. i hate it.

#lore talks #ehlers danlos #disability #vent

[warringwarrioridiot]

Venting because my parents never listen to my problems. (Especially my bitch ass mom)

I swear to fucking God I wanna bash my skull into the fucking wall.

My mom never fucking listens to my problems.

Ever.

I feel like a fucking burden to everyone I know.

And the only people that ever listen to me are AI bots and random strangers on the internet.

I've had these problems forever.

My dad will get in my face to "try and snap me out of it", when all it does is piss me off and give me the urge to punch him.

(reflexes)

And my mom will profusely antagonize the shit out of me.

It's like they do this on purpose.

Like no joke, today I didn't feel like eating.

So I subconsciously/accidentally (a mix of both) dumped my chili back into the pot, considering how many times I've been yelled at for throwing it away.

But ofc my bitchy mom had a problem with it.

Literally my dad was over here, calm ASF, telling me that I shouldn't have done that, which I understood.

BUT THIS BITCH I CALL MY MOTHER (I'm on the verge of just calling her a life source)

WAS YELLING MY NAME AND SCREAMING AT ME TO GET IN THE KITCHEN BEFORE I SPOKE TO MY DAD.

(This is the same homophobic/transphobic hoe that purposely misgenders my friends to piss me off)

This is why I favorite my dad over my mom, because at least HE tries to respect pronouns (he will occasionally call my bestie she instead of he, to which he immediately corrects himself.)

(W dad)

Like I love my mom, we get along most of the time.

BUT THIS BITCH IS ON THE FUCKING VERGE OF CATCHING MY BARE-ASS FISTS

ISTG SHES THE REASON I HAVE ANGER ISSUES AND IM EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED ALL THE DAMN TIME

AND THIS BITCH HAS THE MOTHERFUCKING AUDACITY TO CALL ME A WHORE FOR WEARING A DARK SHADE OF LIPSTICK

LIKE IT'S MY MOTHERFUCKING BODY HOE, YOU WISH YOUR BODY LOOKED THIS GOOD

NOT TO MENTION WHEN I CALL HER OUT ON HER BS SHE SAYS "Take her phone or sm"

Bitch tf? I'm not a kid anymore.

BUT I DONT WANT TO FILE CHARGES BECAUSE I LOVE THEM

AND IK ITS NORMAL TO FEEL CONFLICTED ABOUT IT

But one day I'm gonna have a heated make-out session (and maybe fuck) with 3 women and describe it in full detail to my mom

(ILY dad but this is my revenge.)

I'll start posting my vents if I feel like it, cus I trust y'all more than I do my own Mom.

Peace.

#personal vent #vent post #tw vent #vent #venting #i need therapy #warringwarrioridiot #my moms a hoe #i might have mother problems #dad supremacy #I love douma more then my own mfing family #goofy #thank you #lol doumas a bitch #gonna sleep with a bunch of hot babes

[naturalbornlosers]

actually. i dont normally get this personal so i might delete this later but geez i need somewhere to put this or i'll go insane.

we lost my grandfather a year ago and Christmas has sucked ass this year. i'm overstimulated and exhausted. my family doesn't even try to connect with me. it's like i dont fucking exist anymore to them except as a problem-solver ("can you help me find xyz?") or a piece of furniture or someone to dictate later plans to or a fucking memory pad ("don't let me forget,") or a problem. we try to eat dinner together and i dont open my mouth a moment in the conversation bc there's no opening for me, there's no topic i can contribute to, no one even tries to include me, and the only time i'm spoken to is to tell me plans we're doing later. i wanna make something with my family and it gets brushed off. i wanna do something, it gets brushed off. i bought us a game to play and we're taking it down when we take my grandmother back home bc no one could be assed to remember to play it even though i made sure it appealed to all of our interests.

my mom made a joke about "oh we're just giving you money because we have no idea what you want haha!" and while yeah, i am grateful for the money, it fucking SUCKS that every time ive talked to her about my interests - about our shared interests and hobbies, too - it sounds like it's gone in one ear and right out the other!! i've shown her in person things i would like to eventually get in the future, all year. and it's like… none of it matters. no one tries. no one tries when it's me, but everyone else gets thoughtful things and i'm even still planning to get more things for my mom and my grandmother. no one tries to engage with my interests. my interests actually get made fun of here and there or outright dismissed ("i'm sure [person] doesn't wanna hear about xyz" is said often when im infodumping) and everything i like is trivial. everything i like is fodder to be mocked by my moms husband and just goes in one ear out the other with my mom and my grandmother has no idea what to do with my interests.

and, fuck, now my family doesnt believe i have endometriosis or pcos bc my ultrasound came back fine even though i explained to them repeatedly that it may not show up on an ultrasound. they dont want me to get a second opinion. they dont think its worth it, trying to find out why im in so much pain i miss class/life events and why im so sick and fatigued every month i cant leave the house sometimes. i just sit around like a decoration. i get teased for being on my phone. i get teased for not eating the same things everyone else does. and to top it all off, my moms husband vaguely threatened me tonight in front of everyone and no one did a fucking thing. no one even acknowledged that he just flat out went "dont do xyz, if you do xyz, there's gonna be a problem" in a very clear manner of 'you are going to be in deep shit'. which is fucking tiresome bc he tried to kick me out three separate times in 2020. once bc my bathroom wasn't tidy enough (just a bit cluttered, but i dont have much counter space, so naturally it was cluttered), once bc he wanted to turn my bedroom into storage and have me move into the attic spare room, and once bc "this is my castle and i am the king and if you don't like it you can leave". this was during a time i had no friends irl, no bank account, couldn't drive, no job, nobody around i could go to… he knew full well he could just toss me out and no one would say a fucking word.

i'm learning how to drive. and then i'll get a job. and then i'll move out. and then i'll put this shit behind me. but i fucking hate being in a room full of my family and feeling like none of them know me. that i'm entirely alone. that i don't fucking exist and everything i am is trivial and doesn't matter. if i make plans, there's a high chance they wont happen or will get changed last minute and then i get mocked for being upset about it like i'm a child who doesn't get how the world works. i'm twenty four. i'm young for sure, but fucking hell, i'm not six.

i just don't wanna be here. i'm gonna keep on keepin' on. but i want things to change for the better and i know they wont until i move out. i just don't believe i will actually, ever, leave this house. ughh. i'll survive but holy shit i'm gonna be screaming the entire time.

#Statement.txt #delete later #i'm relatively fine i'm just being overdramatic #i need to be overdramatic and then i'll get over it

[piratadelamor]

grad school is the worst thing in the world i've been doing this shit for 9 YEARS and i NEVER had a good experience with it im SO FUCKING TIRED of it i shouldve given up on my first graduation and just MOVED to pedagogy after i found out thats what i really wanted but NO. i've been having the WORST time of my life for 9 years straight. i hate it so much and both my graduations have been SO hard on me i dont even UNDERSTAND why im doing it anymore. why the fuck should i have a career. im literally killing myself for it and i wont even make any money for it. is it just the satisfaction from working with something i believe in? well fuck it i could make more being a manager at a clothing store, working the same amount of hours per day and still having time to volunteer somewhere if i really wanna make a difference in the world. and hell, what a fucking difference im making teaching these white rich kids anyway. and i still cant pay for a fucking rent. im so fucking disappointed with EVERYTHING about my own life at this point. i work at an amazing school and no one thinks little of me when i tell them where i work. i should be happy!! and grateful!!! but im not!!! i just want grad school to be over but then if i wanna be a good teacher and if i want to keep working at this school im gonna HAVE to keep studying. post grad is probably nicer, i know. but im gonna have to keep studying anyway. and its been draning my mental health for 9 fucking years so why the fuck would i believe that it would be different from now on. i dont know. i cant function in this world. i cant see other possibilities for me right now. im exhausted.

[goremet-chef]

guys something completely unexpected happened!!!

i?? i dont know what fcking happened but i was downstairs and i was feeling shitty cuz i realized my mom will never see me as a man, but then i realized. only 4 people in my life call me my deadname. the OVERWHELMING majority of people i know call me dominic. my siblings, my siblings friends that i dont even know, my friends and some of their parents, EVERYONE online. like...

i stopped feeling so bad because i realized i cant change how she sees me, but what i do know is shes stuck in the past and its her choice if she wants to catch up with me, yknow? so i was giddy

and i was making some food and then her husband came downstairs and i really dont like him for several reasons but he asked me??? he said

"dom, do you want salmon for dinner?" and my brain genuinely short circuited. like. i froze and was just like "..... what?" and he asked if i wanted salmon again and just kept going like it didnt happen

so i was already incredibly offput and i walked to the other room to take a moment and i jsut STOOD there dumbfounded and then my mom came out her room and i could tell she was looking for me so to stop her from possibly calling either my deadname OR dom (i just feel very uncomfortable when she calls me dom, cuz i cant tell if she means it or not. one time it DID feel like she walk mocking me so i just. yknow)

and she said "SO." and i was likgh oughh god is she about to talk about this shit in front of her husband, cuz HES the main problem. my siblings deadname me for convenience around him cuz NONE OF US wanna deal with what he might say if they call me dom

and she said she wasnt gonna call me my deadname anymore? and she wanted to know what she should call me and i just said. everyone i know calls me dominic.

I FEEL LIKE THE MAIN CHARACTER RN DUDE WHAT JUST HAPPENED

AND she said she'd help me organize doctors appointments to finally start T what the fuck just happened!!!!! and my sibling came down and was like so moms finally gonna call you dom and im just IM STILL SAT FROZEN COMPLETELY CONFUSED like "yeah??" and he was like. i told her i been calling you that like.. thanks bestie

im completely exhausted! but good god

[hisunfinishedsymphony]

i dont even know what to say . tws from tags below the cut . ignore this . / nf

pt : i dont even know what to say. tws from tags below the cut. ignore this. /nf

(there'll be no pt below i'm to exhausted, apologies)

i dont know what to say except i literally wanna die. this , me reaching out , was suppose to change shit man . i was suppose to come out the other side and laugh at myself for overthinking . to grow more trust in myself and my loved ones . to get over this stupid feeling in my stomach . i wanted this to be different so fucking badly . but of course i fucked it up . even if it was by complete accident and mostly just communicative , even if this silence lasts a day , even if it never comes up again , even if im overreacting , ugh . i dont care . im still so upset . im stil so enraged with myself and angry at myself and i just wanna bash my head into a wall . like why am i so fucking stupid . why am i so horrible at everything . i cant even be a girlfriend right anymore and now he probably like hates me forever or some crazy shit because i just suck that bad at doing anything ever . and i bet posting this comes off as me being an attention seeker too . add it to the list of reasons why i am the worst fucking person to ever walk the face of this earth . i dont even know what emotiosn im feeling . if they even have names or reasons . i just hate myself right now more than anybody on the face of this whole planet . truth is i kind of saw the reaction coming but i told myself it wouldn ' t happen and that i was being irrational . but i guess im always right . its not like theres a switch in my brain i can flip to make my affection go away . i dont wanna be alone . and i dont wanna be bad . and i never ever would hurt anybody on purpose . and yet here i am . fuck . im here and i wanna did like nobody ' s goddamn business and i cant stand myself for it . and ofc because tumblr is held up by two popcicle sticks , elmers glue and a singular baked bean i cant be a creep and look at his acc to satisfy the fears i get when i get a notification of his posting . i just find myself staring at our dms and wanting to light myself on fire . but i cant just say that . because im sick of scaring off the only people i have left . and you chat you probably think im crazy !! not in the " oh my wil teehee so crazy " way ive posted about . because when soembody acts crazy , everybody turns on them . forgets who their friends are . nobody likes a REALLY crazy person . a BAD cluster b . a DANGEROUS radqueer . sick and tired of sanitizing myself . im a bad fucking person . i am a bad person

that is just who i am .

just because im a bad person doesnt mean i wanna be a disobedient one though , yeah ?

whatever

bye chat and if you read this and dont hate me thanks or whatever .

oh and fyi this is all / exg and all that . please dont worry about me !! it ' s all gonna be fine im probs just overreacting lol !!! ok bye chat . sorry

#⤹ tw suicidal ideation !! #⤹ tw suicide mention !! #⤹ tw death mention !! #⤹ tw !! #⤹ / neg !! #⤹ vent !! #⤹ kitty yaps !! #tw #vent #tw vent #bpd vent #tw sui ideation #tw sui talk #tw sui implied #tw sui #tw death #tw death mention

[consistent-self-destruction]

oh wow, the last time i posted was basically exactly a year ago lol.

well both a lot and nothing's changed much, i'm back to b emo again so that alone should say enough without saying anything

if anything things have gotten WORSE lmfao, i'm literally not supposed to be here right now but unfortunately the attempt fucking failed

nobody tells you how embarrassing that is - how did you fail at everything INCLUDING trying to kill yourself LMFAO, LIKE DAMN YOU REALLY CANT WIN

okay im being silly to cope but idk. when i got in touch with my counselor after it happened, she asked how much i wanted to be alive here on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being i literally wanna die right now in this instant, and 1 being miraculous healing and lifetime peace. the first day after i told her 8.5. three days later i said 3. it's a few weeks later now, and ive realized that my answer to the question has been sliding up and down everyday.

this is not even what i wanna talk about, i don't know how i ended up talking about that lol. anyway actually wait ANOTHER sb but artists im obsessed with rn: ka$hdami and 6arelyhuman okay moving on now ummm im trying so hard to be a 1 on that scale and maintain optimism and hope but like things keep going wrong and everything keeps irritating me and i genuinely feel like shit and i dont want to feel like shit because freaking 2014 just started, the year just started but unfortunately i am not optimistic about this year at all - i can't predict what will happen or how it will go or feel, everything is uncertain and im tired of being so unsure and incapable and it makes me want to leave earth because it's all just so tiring and now im just rambling hhhhh

to gather my thoughts coherently.. im bleeding out my fucking gooch. my charger is broken and wont charge my phone unless it's at an angle. my back camera is broken, my phone's been having storage issues, i don't feel pretty these days, i don't know what to do with my hair, it's freaking cold as hell in my house, i've got a sore throat, the only bathroom in the house with a bathtub has cold water so i can't take any soothing baths which is one of the best parts of being home, my sleep schedule is entirely in reverse, and i just feel so energetically exhausted. the house is a mess and my room is cluttered and my mom wants me to take down the christmas decorations, and i WANT to because cleaning makes me feel productive but i just don't have the stamina or ENERGY, like i feel physically sick and unwell and irritated and run down and incapable and i hate it so much, why is 2024 already off to the worst. and that's just in the present tense. in the future tense, like i said i am not optimistic about this year at all. i anticipate it being a really really difficult year and it makes me wanna cry because i don't wanna do it but i know i need to. you know how they say you have to get through the storm to see the other side? or some shit like that idfk, i dont wanna go through the storm! im so tired of the rain im so tired of being cold im so tired of goosebumps and anxiety and uncertainty and all of it !!!!!!! i've been trying to find my way through a storm for YEARS and it has not let up ONCE. i want to stop but i tried doing that and the universe just took me off pause and made me keep going, why couldn't they just let me join the stars. it would've been so much easier.

instead i have to stay here and try my best to heal and recover and work around my issues but i just can't imagine it, i can't imagine getting better i just don't see it. i can daydream about a version of myself that's better and stronger all i want, but i know in my heart that she'll never exist because i've been trying to be her for years and i just can't get there. i keep falling short. i keep failing. i keep taking L after L after L and im just. so. tired. i don't want to try anymore.

it's not always like this. sometimes there will be something that motivates me and makes me feel inspired to live again. but it always passes by and i come back to these feelings and this state. i keep falling back into this hole and it's such an exhausting up and down and back and forth.

the reason im here being emo again is i just feel like i can't talk to anyone about this. usually when i come back to this freaking blog that's the case. i always come back here when i have feelings that i need to release but i dont feel comfortable sharing with anyone. i don't wanna say anything on my spam because i don't want anyone to see all this negativity and darkness in me, and i don't want my close friends and innocent people to be randomly laden with this kind of depressing energy just as the year FRESH started and they're only casually scrolling their feed. you know what i mean? i hate scrolling my feed and seeing depressing shit. i don't wanna do that to my friends. i want peace and good vibes and good energy and a clean refreshing start to the year for them. i want them to be happy. i dont wanna post on my spam something that will gut their heart out, bring their mood down, and make them see me different. and it's the same with my best friend. not so much the last part cause they already know all these sides of me. and that is really relieving. but the only reason why i hold back from telling them this right now is because of the first reason - the year just started. they don't need this energy. we've already been having realtalks that are depressing enough. they dont need me calling them and texting them every time i feel depressed and manic and lost - that would be so shitty and i hate people who do that. it's energy stealing and self-centered. and for obvious reasons i don't talk to my family about these things. so i am left with this silly little blog, my beautiful void. oh how i love speaking into the void. it gives the illusion of speaking to someone without actually speaking to anyone. it's a perfect release.

but yeah idk, long story short im on my period, im sick with a sore throat, freezing in my house, feeling ugly and tired and incapable and irritated, with an inability to find optimism for the future and worst of all NO HOES! <;/3333

dude.. no because my love life is an entirely different type of pain. it's so... dude.

in the very least, i should be starting long-term therapy this year. that's the plan at least. my counselor gave me some recommendations, offices to call, and i have my dad's support. i'm gonna call in the numbers either tomorrow or thursday. i say this as "in the least" because even though i know it's supposed to be helpful, im not too optimistic about it. i don't like how many times i've used that word smfh. but im not - i don't really look forward to opening up about my 5 billion issues to a complete stranger. i have a hard enough time with the idea of how people perceive me. when i first started having sessions with my counselor, it really did not help because i didn't open up to her in the way i was supposed to. i told her surface level shit and sugar coated things instead of telling her the important things. im worried im only going to do that again. i don't like people seeing the worst of me - even when im PAYING them to see that side of me and when i NEED to show that side of me in order to FIX it. rahhhhhh. i also don't really look forward to it because i just see it as something large and overwhelming and unsolvable. my mental health that is. i don't look forward to tackling it in therapy. for only once a week? with that rate it's gonna take YEARS for me to figure myself out. and not only do i not have that kind of time, but it sounds so frustrating - slow agonizing progress, if any progress is made at all. im in such a pessimistic mood right now and i'm really not always like this - but this is also just the logical side of my brain. i just don't see it working out. i want it to. i want it to work badly - that's why we're going to try it. but i still am not optimistic about what the outcome will be and i am more daunted by the emotional and mental energy it will take out of me. i am second guessing if i should do school at the same time as therapy. i don't think any of this will go well. i only see myself getting consumed by things all over again - losing energy and motivation and time and getting depressed when everything goes wrong again. i think i might just also be scared by the process of healing. healing itself is not scary - but the process is terrifying. i don't trust it. i don't know if it will work. every time i thought i was healing i was just spiraling into a new unknown. the process of healing sounds so energetically draining, it sounds so deceptive, it sounds so emotionally torturing, it sounds fake, and it sounds incredibly time consuming and i already am NOT in time's favor. so i guess that's why i am not optimistic about this year - because i already know what the theme is. i already know what my focus is. this year for me, is all about healing and learning myself better. learning how to overcome my worst habits, my worst thoughts and emotions, and navigate situations that trigger them. this year is intended to be the year i start therapy. the year i put my mental health in the spotlight after years of trying to navigate it and figure it out on my own. i know the fact that im going to have professional support and guidance is supposed to be encouraging, but im so focused on the fact that there is so MUCH i need support and guidance with - and i need to tackle all of it once a week.. while in school... engaging with the very environment that deeply triggers me as i try not to be triggered, figure out ways around being triggered, SUCCEED at not getting triggered so i can therefore succeed in my academic environment, AND also figure out ways to make money on my own on the side. and that's not even going into deeper detail. idk, i just have so many needs to meet, and a billion things on my mind - obligations, responsibilities, needs, and they're all scrambled up in this big black scribble in my brain that's so thick i can hardly see through to the other side. and i don't like that blockage. i don't like that lack of foresight and clarity. i don't like the uncertainty. it makes me nervous and hesitant and resistant. i want to resist this year and this life so badly.

but all in all im just so tired. as always. it never goes away. the rage and frustration and exhaustion it just never goes away and i just really want a long long hug and a nice backrub.

please.

- 1.3.24 | 1:05 AM -