#im trying so fucking hard

[max-the-mouse]

this morning sucks :////////

#i cant even make breakfast bc my buildings water is shut off for repairs #nor can i make myself lunch to pack for work #i am very sad and tired #and i have no money #lately i have been going though it heavily #but!!!!! there is a light at the end of the tunnel!!! soon things will be better #but i am moping rn #lol #i will be out of the hole i was dropped in soon #its just hard rn #personal #vent #as much as my activism has been actually so important to me i think i need to take a step back for a moment #im deep in a pit of dispair #im trying so fucking hard #but its hard to do activism when you can barely hold yourself together #like i have only left my house to go to work for almost a month #and its really affecting me #but i have no money to do anything!!!!! #its too cold just to go outside i have to go to a coffee shop or smthn #and i cant do that rn #idk man im just in the pits #i cant even feed myself rn #sorry for moping on tumblr #its been 2 months since my breakup/quitting my job and its been so fucking hard #i quit my job with the assumption i would have financial support from my partner but they cheated on me the same day i quit my job so #that ended and now im on my own scraping by #had to pick up a second job #soon things will be okay again

[chipped-chimera]

💀

I kind of really, really fucking hate I'm lonely again. Post relationship-of-10-years-blowup from my deeplore I've gone two solid years of just not wanting any of that shit and I could focus on healing. I was content. Because of my fucked energy capacity and autism I get tired by irl social interaction so quickly so it was fine anyways. I don't have a super high social need most of the time and usually chatting with people online is enough.

But after realising more things about myself in terms of sexuality, in really realising maybe it was women all along I might have been interested in (idk still not 100% on it - I really worry about the difference between sexual attraction in my head vs irl and that if I get there it's gonna be 'Well shit guess I'm still grey ace' which I'd hate actually. I wanna have fun too!) It's twisting in my body like a knife. And I don't want it. It was in a way, easier to feel dead to it. Easier to not have a hope in hell - I know parts of it is trauma but it's just been the way I protect myself, I don't 'get my hopes up' about anything anymore. I don't plan anything beyond 6 months because I feel like every time I do get my hopes up about anything some malevolent force in life is going to come along and violently throw me back down. And I'm scared of that. I am really, really fucking scared that the next time? Maybe the next time I won't be able to handle it anymore. I don't want to feel like a soldier in endless combat with my own life. Every battle 'victory' feels phyrric and I don't know if I'll win the war anymore.

But there's always a tiny, quiet hope in there. And that's what is turning into the knife that cuts through me when I consider reality. I know I am not an attractive partner, physically maybe I'm okay. But who I am as a person? I have too many 'dealbreakers'. I am a ruined human being in the eyes of the social status quo. I'd probably be seen as too 'dependent', too 'lazy', too much. And not enough at the same time. And it fills me with a visceral kind of rage that none of this is my fault. Everything that has broken in me, was done to me, gladly by others around me.

I don't want the hope. I don't want the lonliness. I was happier feeling nothing.

I don't want to be hurt again. I just want to be loved.

#ventpost #ableism #trauma #I'm trying hard to heal and stay positive #Im trying so fucking hard #but the only way I can stay positive is if i cut myself off from things on purpose #because when I feel them again? when I feel hope? #its agony #fucking absolute agony

[orcgirlcock]

ough

#i really need someone to cup my face in their hand and tell me im a good girl #and i need them to look at me like they mean it #im trying so fucking hard #but i feel like im drowning #which ive actually experienced. i feel that same panic that i did all those years ago. the fear of my life being in danger

[leetolgoblin]

fuckin hell im the depressed kind of psychotic not the manic kind of psychotic which means i get none of the extra energy and exclusively the upsetting hallucinations. time for a night of spiders, the guy standing outside my window, and the knocking at my door that doesnt go away even when i answer it and let the bones in.

#genuinely dont think ive been this depressed for this long in like #ever maybe #oh #oh i just realized why #its because i used to be allowed to sh and take drugs about it #and now i can do neither of those things #could take drugs but i would really like those to not lose efficacy and also i need to be able to get up in the morning #im still behind on everythi g #how am i still behind on everything #im trying so fucking hard #this shouldve been another post

[sk3l3t0n444]

#im just trying my damn hardest #im trying #im trying so fucking hard #im just trying #but trying isnt enough #nothing is ever enough #im trying...im fucking trying but its never enough #i have to try harder but if i do im going to end up more burnt out than i already am #and im burnt out enough to have constant panic attacks and the inability to get out of bed #idfk anymore #i know it doesnt look like it to anybody but im trying so fucking hard to not fail #i just want someone irl to acknowledge that im trying... #im trying im trying im trying im trying im trying im trying im trying im trying im trying im trying im trying im trying im trying im trying #IM FUCKING TRYING #but my best is never enough is it? #i think im just going to eat nothing until someone praises me irl #i dont think anybody has told me that i did a good job in like a year #im just so fucking tired #i just wanna go to sleep and wake up and have everything be ok... #anyways cute gloomy bear gif up there being just like me fr #doing nothing

[2-kamikou-1]

hrrrggbfb

#im trying so fucking hard #and #nobody notices it #nobody really cares #this is #what most people would consider normal #recovery is 'going back to normal' #and once youre normal again you should be fine right? #wronggggg #i have to push through basic shit everyone says without puking my guts up #and nobody notices how hard it is and i don't know if anyone even cares really

[oldmancopper]

...

#im trying so fucking hard

[inkskinned]

he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.

except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?

at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.

except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.

about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.

he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.

#i used to think it was romantic too and then i was like. now i see it as a HUGE red flag #writeblr #it is also almost EXCLUSIVELY said by immature ppl who think this is normal #fyi even if u think it's funny and ur like 'im an introvert it's just TRUE' like. you need therapy (ily tho) #healed introversion is just ''i would prefer to be by myself'' not ''i hate every person'' ... hate is not normal. that is not healthy #im sorry. i know it feels accurate. but if you're walking around with that kind of rage.... #1. you're making a LOT of assumptions about every single person u have ever met. which is often unfair and unkind #and also usually involves judging people based on their worst moments or little mistakes #2. you are being unfair to the person who is ur ''exception'' #3. there is a VAST difference between ''ur my favorite person'' and ''the ONLY person i like.'' #idk i think this is just a personal bias thing tbh #im sure there are people who have this experience normally #but i have YET to find a man who thinks like this and ISNT absolute DOGSHIT. although tbh.... like. im sure he exists #when u hit like 30 some of the things that were once kind of hot now just sound fucking exhausting. like ''im in a band'' #edit in the tags: i used to kind of be like this too. but the thing is that like. my life became so much more peaceful #once i started believing that people are generally good. like yes i am mad at the world at large #but it's just.... a very hard way to live. you're not a bad person or wrong for the ways other people hurt you and taught you to be angry. #but that anger will continue to hurt YOU. it will punish YOU. it will prevent YOU from making new deep connections. it will protect you yes #but it will also cause MASSIVE blowback. bc if you lose the One Person... your life will fall apart. i know this personally. #i really recommend just trying to be... cautiously optimistic instead. like. yes #people can be horrible and cruel and there are some communities (incels for example) that aren't worth that optimism #but i think like... most people will hold a door for you . most people want to help you find your wallet . #i hope one day you are able to find peace. i hope that rage eventually smooths over. i know how hard it is PERSONALLY #and i know what must have happened to you. and im deeply deeply sorry we share the same wound. #but i promise - sometimes we all need someone else to help us carry the weight. eventually the rage has to die so that we can let help in #i had to spend years biting at outstretched hands. i still often do. im still very wary . and my heart breaks that you flinch too. #here's the thing: i don't blame you. but we were both acting out of fear and pain. .... not out of healthy behavior. and ... change #was needed. i needed change too. rage was useful for a while. then it just left me isolated and bitter. i had to (with effort) #choose to let that rage go. and let people in . VERY SLOWLY THO LOL

[imthatwannabeauthor]

.

#im jsut a dissapointment to them #im just a fucking dissapointment to them #thats all i am #he was talking about me and he said that i wasnt good #he said i was the runoff kid #i wanna go home #im trying #im trying so fucking hard #im a dissapointment

[noriblob]

taking several deep breaths as I watch ““Green Monday”” deals expire

#almost spent a few fucking thousand #by borrowing against my future self #im trying so fucking hard

[noname-404s-blog]

#im tryin so hard #im trying #im sad as fuck #im useless #im crying #and heartbreak image #heartbreak #depressing quotes #tw depressing stuff #depressing shit #sadcore #depressing life #sad thoughts #im tryin my best #want you back #come back to me #tell me #everything is fine #sad aesthetic #sad af #i need therapy #i need heeeeelp #life is unfair #life suuuuucks #life sukcs

[brok3n-gl4ss]

when he stops believing that you love him 😀

haha

HAHA

#IM GONAN KILL MYSELF #FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK #IM TRYING SO FUCKING HARD #AND INSTEAD I TURN IUT A FUDKING LIAR #I FEEL LIKE S H I T

[needhelpthisisbad]

At this point I'd sell my body for housing and cash. Idec anymore. I'm tired. All of my posting on various social media have been a hail mary.

#hit them harder #that isnt abuse #big tw #prostitución #dont report please #im just at the end of my luck in life #im an addict and in an abusive situation and cant trust the system #my one friend has a family who hates me so idk what kind of shit id have to do to get to live with her #im trying so fucking hard #im so scared #genuinely #ive tried cops #social services #everything #they have always made it worse #said #said when i showed them photos #my only option right now is just leaving #i can erase my online footprint in a flash if anyone can help and its necessary

[rudeboimonster]

~help your local rat get stable housing~

edit post nov 2023: I GOT THE HELP I NEEDED THANK YOU SOSOOSO MUCH

dramatically sprawled out on the floor

so i gotta move for the third time in that many years. unfortunately between health problems and the General State of The Economy, I have been unable to find work to be able to save any money. i have no choice but to leave the entire state. i thankfully have somewhere to go, however I need help getting there. i've been trying to do the math to get what I need to its lowest amount possible, but even that is still at least $2.5k.

after this move, i should be able to get things more stable and I might even have a couple job prospects lined up in that area, but right now I'm really scraping the bottom of the barrel funds wise and desperately need help.

if you're able to spare anything, i've set up a goal through kofi so i can track it publicly. i have trouble asking for help but i really need what help i can get. thank you, so so so much.

#mutual aid #fundraiser #help #god i dont know what to tag this im just kinda ripping off the bandage bc ive been anxious about posting about this since i got asked to #leave. head in hands. please help by spreading the word if you cant spare any cash i completely understand. #i dont know what i can offer. my ability to do art has been really really low and with my sleeping/living arrangements my wrists shoulders #back have been in fucking wretches states so its hard for me to do much #if youre wonder about the other fundraiser i did a few years ago #the person i replaced in a renting situation ended up fucking me over and got basically evicted into the 2nd week of college and i had 3 da #to leave that situation or more people wouldve gotten fucked over. and ive been basically couch surfing since trying to find work #anyways i havent slept in a bed for more than a weekend since october 2021 my back is turbo fucked please help

[aristotels]

DID THIS APP JUST DIAGNOSE LIBYA, THE STATE OF LIBYA, AN ENTIRE COUNTRY IN NORTH AFRICA, WITH MBTI ENFP TYPE PERSONALITY

#IM SCREAMING AHAHAAHAH??????? #i was just trying to see arguments on qui gon jinns profile page and they made me download an app and i open ot #im laughinh so hard what the fuck

[valeffelees]

some quick snowbaz sketches for the soul :)

and also this lmfao

#been trying some new things lately #usually i do baz's hair up in a front middle part #bc ive always found it kinda fun and cartoony looking #but it was making his face look really fucking weird here so i tried drawing it down and back #+ parted to the side of his widow's peak instead #and i think i like it a lot better this way #ive also been trying to add more texture to his and simon's hair #to help make things a bit easier when im colouring #and i feel really fuckin good about how that turned out #like i have such a hard time drawing simon's fringe but i really like how it looks here #im also trying to overcome my fear of eyelashes lmfao #(and my general lack of confidence with drawing characters touching/interacting) #so yeah lots of fun new things happening here at the ''god i want to get better at art so bad'' club #n e way -> #carry on #simon snow #baz pitch #snowbaz #sketchbook apocalypse