#it is something ive been told countless times and i hated it

[amiinkles]

To be loved is to be changed, but would you still love me if I changed?

#ofmd #our flag means death #ofmd fanart #our flag means death fanart #stede bonnet #well episode 8 kinda destroyed this for me great #when ed essentially told stede 'i hate the new you. i miss the old you' I wanted to see them expand on that. #it is something ive been told countless times and i hated it #i relate to stede so much. seeing how he and his relationship with ed was handled in episode 8 made me mad #he was gifted his boyfriend and forgot about his dream about being a pirate. the show said 'you just didnt gind the right person' #as someone under the aromantic umbrella it pissed me off #i was genuinely invested in gentlebeard in season 1. but they didnt address most of the issues surrounding their relationship #im sorry im so angry but i had to get it out #im not blaming anyone but myself for getting so emotionally attached to this show #ughh amii out. feel free to disagree or whatever #amii ofmd cravings #fanart #our flag means fanart #amii argues #i still love stede btw. and izzy. #ed is in timeout but ill make a fanart and rant of his charcter eventually

[flolio]

i don’t wanna be yours. FEAT, JANG WONYOUNG

you had been blessed with your amazing girlfriend, jang wonyoung. to this day you had no clue how you had managed to attract someone like her, since you were someone who only admired her group. but something within your loving and caring girlfriend changed one day, she no longer acted like your girlfriend, but a mere stranger passing by you.

GENRE — angst, wonyoung is lowk 😵‍💫😵‍💫, implied cheating (?), intended lowercase

WORDCOUNT — 1.1k

A/N — the abrupt ending LOOL I couldn’t keep putting this one off 😵‍💫

if someone ever asked you about your girlfriend, you’d only ever have nice things to say. that’s if anyone asked, to the public eye you were single which you never really had a problem with.

you understood that wonyoung had an image to uphold and you didn’t wanna risk ruining that, knowing about how some people wouldn’t accept the relationship. oftentimes you found yourself slipping up and accidentally talking to your friends about wonyoung, of course you’d tell her.

she never used to have a problem with it before, comforting you and asking you to be careful with your words next time. so why where you sat in front of her, tears threatening to spill as she yelled at you. “are you fucking serious y/n!” she said raising her hands in exasperation, you couldn’t find your voice.

wonyoung never yelled at you, you guys didn’t have communication issues or really any issues at all. you always found a way to talk it out if a problem was presented, especially since you had confided in her and admitted that you hated when people yelled at you. “wony— I told you I didn’t mean too! I didn’t even mention you—” in a desperate attempt to deteriorate the situation, hoping she would calm down.

“but you still mentioned ive! how many times do I have to keep explaining to you— you don’t listen to me!” you froze, looking up at her for the first time since she’s walked into your apartment. “i'm constantly reminding you to be more careful or watch your words! it gets fucking tiring y/n, it’s like you don’t even care about my image at all!”

you cared about her image more than anything, you knew that when you started dating her it was going to be different. you knew that it would’ve been more reserved, but not caring about her image?

you never wanted to hurt her— hell you don’t even know what you did! “wony I swear I never intended too—!” you hated being talked over, she knew this and was using it against you. “whatever y/n, see you later.” she said walking past you, brushing her shoulder against yours.

the only thing being heard is the light raindrops and the sound of wonyoung receding steps. it stung, you hated when she called you y/n, she never called you by your name.

that night you called wonyoung countless times, begging her to talk to you, or at most hear you out. she never did, at some point you got tired and fell asleep with your phone propped up by your ear.

you haven’t heard from her since and it’s visibly noticeable that you haven’t been well without her, you decided to turn to the only person you deemed you could.

aeri uchinaga, she introduced you to wonyoung. she didn’t know the exact extent of your relationship but she did know how much feelings you harbored for wonyoung, so when you showed up outside of her dorm with bloodshot eyes and puffy cheeks she had half a mind to walk over to starship and fight wonyoung herself.

for your sake obviously she didn’t, she listened to you ramble on and on about your guys relationship. you hesitated telling her about your fight but she knew something was off, after a few moments of silence you caved.

breaking down in her arms explaining what had happened a few days earlier, aeri comforted you that night. she let you sleep at her dorm with her, coincidentally in her bed with her.

you’ve never liked aeri like that, so when you awoke to your phone blown up from texts from wonyoung that consisted of ‘im sorry, can we talk this out my love?’ to ‘oh so I leave you for one day and you’re in someone else’s bed.’

you didn’t even know how she knew you were here, unless one of the members had told her but you never recalled wonyoung being close with any other aespa members like that.

you rushed to call her back, getting the message from her voicemail. “wonyoung..please just talk to me— not even a few hours ago you wanted to fix it please! I needed giselles advice and fell asleep here, please talk to me—” you sounded dumb.

you where pleading with a phone, voicemail at that. ultimately you gave up, if she wanted to talk to you she would. a week had passed and you got nothing but silence, it was clearly affecting you much more than her.

you paused, hearing the ringing coming from your phone. it was wonyoung. you picked up right away, hearing shuffling coming from the other end. “wonyoung…” you whispered, more to yourself than her.

“y/n karina called, you haven’t been eating?” you paused, she knew karina? you felt uneasy, wonyoung never really cared about any of the other aespa members. “you know karina?” “that wasn’t my question.” your head was spinning full of questions, since when? why didn’t she mention it? “i've been okay, how have you been?”

that uneasy feeling in your stomach now turning into guilt at the fact you may have upset her. “I’ve been okay, I miss you.” you’ve longed to hear those words for sometime now, but you had nothing to say to her.

“I— I wanted to apologize for lashing out at you, I’ve been so busy lately—” “it’s okay, are you able to come over right now?” it was the worst move on your part, something that was unable to be taken back now.

you sounded desperate for her, something you didn’t intend to do. “I’ll be there in a bit.” she said before hanging up, leaving you there. this didn’t go as you had intended, you wanted a better explanation for how she treated you, not that vague of one. she didn’t lie, she ended up within your arms twenty minutes later.

you awoke to cold sheets, you always did, she never stayed until you were awake. you were stupid to think that things would’ve been the same.

IVE’S JANG WONYOUNG SPOTTED KISSING AESPA’S YOO JIMIN?

#works — 🖇️ #jang wonyoung x reader #wonyoung x reader #wonyoung imagines #ive wonyoung #ive #ive x reader

[smolweeblets]

Taters

Karlach x Reader/Tav

A/n: I live temporarily. Back with another fandom. Small ramble note at the bottom.

Winter was just around the corner, causing the night air to chill as of late. You used to hate the cold, it reminded you of… less fortunate times. However, these days you've found yourself slowly being able to see the beauty of it, reason being your beautiful girlfriend, who’s kept you perfectly warm every night, safe and protected against any unsavory memories.

The amazing tiefling who's stolen your heart has kept you company for countless evenings, with each one feeling as special as the last. But this time you find yoursef pondering, a memory—or rather a word—that you couldnt quite shake off.

Taters.

It was just such a bittersweet moment for you both. You thought her family using words just for them was such a cute thing to do, it seemed to make Karlach so happy. It kicked some gears in your brain into motion, so much so that you happened to mindlessly utter it out.

“Pardon, love?” Karlach craned her head to look at you atop her chest.

“Oh– nothing, was just lost in thought–”

“Ah, well taters, either way” She grinned from below you.

Your heart melts a little inside of you. How was anyone allowed to be this cute? Yhe universe is unbelievable.

“Yeah… listen Karlach, ive been thinking about something” You trail off slightly, not quite sure on what you actually want to say.

Karlach tilts her head slightly to the side. A worried frown painting her features. “Something wrong?”

“No, I just… happened to think about your family… The language you had together, you said you were the last remaining speaker. I want to change that.” You held her hand as you talked, both for her reassurance and yours. You mindlessly toyed with it as you spoke.

Karlachs eyes widened.

“You want to kill me!?” She gasped incredulously. “I knew it was only a matter of time… I wouldnt mind if it was you though, make it quick” She stuck her bottom lip out and wiped a fake tear from her eye, while the other hand held yours to her chest.

You snatched your hand from where she held it and lightly bopped her on the forehead, looking only mildly amused.

“As if.” You scoffed lightheartedly.

Karlach grinned. “Of course, so what about my parents?” There was a faraway look in her eyes. Shes told you that she loves talking about her parents, but being a little sentimental about it was unavoidable.

“The uh… the language you had together, what other words did you guys have?”

“You want to know about the gibberish we spoke?” Karlach smiled, unsure.

“Yeah, it was a big part of your childhood, I want to make more good memories with those words… maybe with a family of our own.” You sunk your face into the firm muscle of her shoulder, partly because it was comfy, but partly to avoid looking at her, in case she didnt agree.

“I cant believe you just brought up the idea of a family before I could. How dare you.” The pitch of her voice raised towards the end. She narrowed her eyes at you.

“Oops” You giggle, face still smooshed against her skin.

“Hmph.” She scoffed. “Give me a moment to remember, im sure I can dig up some of them.” Karlach gazed at the ceiling, mind drifting back to her childhood.

“Lets see… chess… chess meant a kiss… Yeah, I think I remember being grossed out because I saw my parents giving each other ‘chesses’.” Karlach chuckles softly at the memory.

“Chesses? Thats… oddly fitting for a kiss.” You smiled. “What else?”

“Sheesh just give me a moment” Karlach pouts. “Cant let a woman think for shit in here” She huffs.

“So dramatic. Just take your time.” You rolled your eyes.

Karlach scoffs, but otherwise stays silent for a moment, collecting little anecdotes from her childhood.

“Hmm… Blankets were called ‘warmers’ I think”

“Simple and straightforward, I like it.” You grin

“Right?” Karlach laughs, a beautiful sound. You cant help but snuggle up impossibly closer into her. And she holds you just a little bit tighter.

“Then…” Karlach trails off slowly, hand unconsciously starting to pet your head. “Hm. Sorry soldier, cant remember any more right now.” Karlach sheepishly smiled.

“Thats okay, we can try again tomorrow. I think let's just sleep, i'm tuckered out”

“Sounds great.” She presses a kiss to your forehead.

~~~~~

The conversation is mostly forgotten by her, whose been busy with choosing only the best produce for you both at the market. She left before you woke up, hoping to surprise you, but it seems she got too caught up with haggling with the shop ladies, so that plan was out the window.

As soon as she enters your shared cabin, youre immediately clung onto her.

“Chess.” You peel yourself away from the hug momentarily to face her with a kissy face at her while pointing at your face.

Her brows furrows before they relax and melt into an expression of surprise and awe. She leans down to give you a small peck then envelops you in a large bear hug.

“Gods, have no clue how happy that made me” She grins widely.

“Yeah? Prepare to be happy a lot more then.” You preen at the feeling of being able to make her feel like this.

“Thats going to be difficult considering im already always happy when im with you.” Karlach looks at you adoringly. To an almost painful degree.

The emotions rushing into you felt a little overbearing. Your eyes narrow and your muscles stiffen. “Im getting cuteness aggression.”

“Im honored.” She smirks.

“Stop or else I will actually fall to the floor.”

“I cant, youre too amazing. But don't worry if you fall, ill make sure to nurse you better myself.” Her voice was teasing, but held affection all the same.

“Just stop talking to me.” You bat at her shoulder stiffly as your face sits in a lighthearted scowl.

“Alright, ill lay off from the sweet talk for a little bit. Just for now.” She relents.

“Somehow that makes it even worse. Im going to feed the pets. Bye.” You move robotically, movements restrained from the rush of the pure emotions.

Karlach chuckles to herself, used to your mannerisms. Youll be back, and in the meanwhile, she supposes she’ll be cooking breakfast for the both of you.

“Alright love, taters!” She waves. She takes the produce from the bags and prepares them to be cooked.

Not long after, she hears a loud crash swiftly followed by your voice.

“Im fine!” You hurriedly shout. God forbid she saw the mess you made from recoiling when she called you.

Karlach shakes her head as she continues washing the vegetables. You were one hell of a person, and she couldnt see herself with anyone else.

A/n#2: AGHHH I FINISHED ITTT. Listen I had an idea but I dont know how to actually write it. I guess its still cute but it has strayed from what i have envisioned. Started with the original prompt then turned into a sort of domestic bliss/banter thing? I dont know. Anyway, this became a shameless self insert but its okay because its my fic. also dont ask about the made up words im uncreative.

Sorry for the ADHD rant this is how I am when im supposed to be sleeping, till next time guys <33

#karlach kiss me challenge #karlach x reader #karlach x tav #karlach x you

[amsgrey]

Deju Vu Part Two Teaser

In the effort to stress I am in fact working on Part Deux to Deja Vu, here is a lil teaser/snippet.

I have reached an impasse at the moment, mostly I don’t really have any idea how to end this or if i’m thinking of making it like a continuous thing? but atm i just want it to be comfy big brothers lookin after their lil sibling.

———

Will did a check over you and the monitors with his eyes, again. Then looked over to Jay, who looked completely deflated. It was no secret that Jay hated hospitals and medical treatment in general, especially needles. Spending time in hospitals usually gave him anxiety and he would always say to Will,

"I don't know how you do it, man.”

But Jay hadn't complained even once. Not when he was watching the IV get put in your hand, or while you were attached to countless machines. Will knew it was because he felt hopeless. The same look that he wore at their dads bedside he wore now. Will stood and stared for a while, the memory playing in his mind in time with real life. This was different. You weren't on life support like your father had been, things were different. That didn't change the memories Will had of his dads last moments plaguing his mind.

“I stayed calm because I had too," Will finally spoke.

Jay looked up, watching his brother cross his arms over his chest and take a deep breath.

"I had to stay calm, for her.”

Jay shook his head, grasping for words, “I just froze, Will. And you-"

"-Trained for years to react in medical emergency situations, spent years working the ER," Will interrupted.

"Jay,” Will reached over the bed and gave Jays shoulder a reassuring squeeze, “I do this every day. I know how to tune out the emotions and focus on task at hand.”

*Yeah, I guess."

Will sat on one of the chairs, mirroring Jay across the bed, "Listen. I could never get used to being shot at, could never be shot at and react how you do. Because I'm not trained, I'm not good at that. You aren't a doctor Jay, stop beating yourself up over something that was a basic human reaction.”

Jay didn't answer, letting silence fall over the room. Neither one of the brothers was up for a conversation, mostly consumed with their own thoughts as they watched you sleep.

You had stirred a few times in the coming hours but mostly stayed sleeping. Will told Jay that it was a combination of the medication and the stress of recent events catching up with you. In his words, it was nothing to worry about.

#halstead!sister #halstead sibling #jay halstead x sister!reader #halstead!reader #halstead sister #will halstead x reader #jay halstead x reader #jay halstead #will halstead x sister!reader #will halstead #one chicago x reader #one chicago imagine #chicago med x reader #chicago pd x reader #chicago pd imagine #chicago med imagine #chicago med #chicago pd

[whumpinaheartbeat]

White Walls Closing In (Mediwhump May 2023, Day 7 First Night In Hospital)

This fic contains hospitalisation, mentions of a benign tumour, mentions of future surgery and an underaged whumpee. Please read with discretion.

As a Son of Apollo, one could have thought that Will Solace would be comfortable with hospitals.

He could spend entire days at the Camp Half-Blood infirmary and in fact he had done just that countless times while looking after the sick and wounded. If anything, Will felt at home surrounded by bandages and ambrosia squares, always having some task that needed to be completed or some Camper to talk to. The infirmary was familiar, it was safe. If he would be so bold, the Infirmary was his Domain.

But here? With the white walls and the whirling machines and the strangers who kept poking and prodding him as if his blood could have possibly changed in the last half hour? It was unfamiliar and unsafe and even if Will logically knew why he was here he still did not feel as though he belonged.

Nico nudged him.

"I'm thinking." Will claimed.

Nico didn't bother with a retort about how Connect Four wasn't that complicated of a game, waiting almost patiently for Will to make his move. Nico’s silence made Will want to claw his skin off for some reason and when the machine next to him started pipping loudly again Will curled his hands into fists.

Will intrinsically knew how to fix the machine, there was simply a kink in the IV line again and all he had to do was straighten it and acknowledge the alert. Almost every single thing in this building Will could sense, and if need be fix, because every singly thing had been made by a Child of Apollo that had been guided by the great God of Healing and yet when Will had tried to use that knowledge to fix the machine earlier, he had been yelled at by a particularly annoying nurse and told not to touch anything else.

The alert kept sounding, echoing in Will’s mind. He tried to focus on something else, anything else. Nico’s knee pressed up against his own, the pattern that was slowly being created in their game, the smell of the Hyacinth’s that Kayla had bought for him.

But the alert was too loud, it was too consistent. It was echoing, again and again, and he swore that it was the only sound that has ever existed.

Will slammed his fist into the table, knocking plastic coins everywhere.

Nico barely reacted, only pressing his knee against Will’s again but if anything that just made Will even more frustrated.

“What?” Will growled.

The Son of Hades stayed silent, dark eyes blinking slowly. 

It's wasn’t like Will didn't know that Nico was just as uncomfortable as he was, it couldn’t be easy for Nico to be in a place that has seen so much death, but right now everything was just too much and Nico’s silence was just letting that infernal machine be all the louder. 

Nico pushed the table off to the side and grabbed Will’s hand.

Will’s shoulders dropped.

“I hate this.” He whispered.

“I know.” Nico said. 

“I’m a Son of Apollo. I should be able to fix this. I should be able to fix me.”

They had had this conversation before.

Over the years, Will has treated almost every single camper at Camp Half-Blood. Some of their injuries were mere scratches or minor burns, things that faded away with a simple hum and some ointment. Others were more serious. Dislocations, broken bones. Detached limbs, even, thank you Paolo. 

Will has literally brought more people back from the brink of death than he could even remember and yet for all that, Will couldn’t fix a stupid tumour on his stupid right lung. It was benign, at least as far as he could sense, but even benign things had the possibility of becoming malignant if left untreated.

If he could do the surgery himself he would have already done so. Kayla and Austin had confronted him long after Will had already sensed the tumour, both of them intrinsically knowing that something was wrong with him but as much as Will begged them to keep it quiet, they had told Chiron.

And Chiron had told him to go to the hospital.

It didn’t make any sense; Even if Will couldn’t do surgery on himself, he would have trusted Kayla and Austin with his care because they were children of Apollo too and with enough thorough instruction they could do what was needed.

Why go to a mortal hospital when they were literally the progeny of the God of Healing?

And why was that stupid machine still making that stupid alert and why hadn’t some nurse come in to fix it already?

Will let go of Nico’s hand, twisting around so that he could acknowledge the alert on the drip machine, readjusting the flow rate as he did so to make it go faster.

“Will,” Nico warned. 

“It’s fine.” Will said. “I can tolerate it.”

The immunotherapy mixture they were giving him wasn’t quite chemotherapy but he had still been warned about the similar possible side effects and while he didn’t exactly want to experience nausea or fatigue, he could not stand the idea of trying to sleep with the IV still in not that he thought he could sleep here anyway.

Someone cleared their throat and Will scrambled away from the machine, making it start alerting all over again.

Doctor Storey came over, acknowledged the alert and reset the flow rate. She did not bother to admonish Will, another conversation that had already happened countless times just in the few hours he has been here for.

“Mr. di Angelo,” She said instead. “I’m afraid visiting hours are over for the night but you’re more than welcome to come back at nine am tomorrow morning, pre-op doesn’t start until eleven.”

Will had known that this was coming and yet his blood still ran cold at the thought of Nico leaving him. He looked up sharply at his boyfriend who made no attempt to stand from the bed. Maybe he was going to stay after all, maybe he was going to intimidate the doctor into breaking the rules and maybe Will wasn’t going to have to spend his first night in hospital all alone after all.

Nico leant forward and kissed Will’s forehead gently before pulling away and standing up.

Will refused to watch him go, even when Nico hesitated at the door, focusing instead on holding back the tears that were building in his eyes.

“I’m just going to check your vitals one more time and then you can get some sleep.” Doctor Storey said.

“My vitals are fine.” Will shot back. “Blood pressure, heart rate, oxygen saturation, all within normal range. You can go now.”

“Will,” Doctor Storey sighed. “I know you said that your father is some kind of Doctor, but right now you are my patient and I need to treat you like all of my other patients.”

Will did not want to be angry with her. He didn’t like to be angry with anyone and like she said, she was just trying to do her job. But he was the Son of Apollo and as such he knew exactly what he was talking about because this was his body and he knew everything there was to know about himself. 

Doctor Storey did her checks anyway, confirming that surprise surprise his levels were all normal.

“Rest,” She said. “Tomorrow is a big day.”

It took all of his willpower to not roll his eyes as she at last left him.

The room immediately felt too big, the white walls stretching on forever while at the same time feeling like they were closing in on him. His attention bounced between all of the things around him from the small couch below the curtained window to the too bright lights above him that Doctor Storey had supposedly dimmed on her way out to the immunotherapy concoction that bled into him so infuriatingly slowly.

These weren’t even his own clothes, it was a thin gown that somehow both dug into his skin and didn’t feel substantial enough.

While ADHD often helped during battles, not to mention allowing him to juggle the treatment of multiple patients at the one time, right now it was doing nothing but giving him nothing but hell.

If only to try to let out some of the energy that was so suddenly bubbling within him Will increased the flow rate of his IV once again but that only took a moment and he was left wanting to claw his skin off in the too loud silence that followed. 

The curtains were closed. 

That would be something he could fix, he could open them up and maybe that would distract him long enough to forget everything else because even if his Dad wasn’t actually here at least Will would be able to sense his presence in the Sun. 

He scrambled up off the bed, nearly overbalancing as the world spun around him.

He pushed aside the dizziness, knowing that he was just imagining it given that just hours before Will had been feeling perfectly fine. Gripping onto the machine that the IV was hooked through, refusing to look at the yellow fluid that was flowed within it, Will went to the window.

Will had to reach across the couch to get to the curtains but he didn’t care, suddenly desperate to have them open no matter what. 

A small part of him had already known what he would find and yet the rest of him still wanted to cry when he saw that the Sun had already fully set with the moon having already taken its place and while Will knew that the Moon was still connected to him in a way, it was nothing compared to the Sun.

Will felt drained suddenly and his knees buckled but he did not fall, a hand gripping onto his elbow.

“Falling for me already, Solace?”

Will was so happy to see Nico at all that he didn’t mind the cheesy line and instead just thew himself at the smaller boy and hugged him. After a moment, Nico’s arms wrapped around Will just as tightly and they stayed there before Will at last felt strong enough to pull away again.

“I thought you left.” Will said, trying his hardest to keep the hurt from his voice.

“Of course not.” Nico said. “I just had to wait a few minutes before shadow traveling back. Are you… Okay?”

“I am now.” Will said. “So, are we going to hatch some exciting escape plan or what?”

“Will.” 

Will dropped his shoulders, taking in a deep breath. Even doing that much made Will’s head spin a little and his healing powers alerted him of the tumour that he already knew was there and if that wasn’t annoying enough the machine he was lugging around started screaming at him again.

Will adjusted the line quickly and acknowledged the alert, and if he muttered a curse as he did so then that was his own business.

Nico chuckled, reaching out and grabbing his hand. 

“It’s going to be fine.” Nico said.

“I know.” Will said.

“And I’ll be with you the whole way.” 

Will felt warmth bloom inside his chest and he squeezed Nico’s hand back tightly.

“I know.” He said. “I love you.”

“I love you too so get back into bed before I have to drag you there, you look exhausted.”

If Will was being honest, he was exhausted. In order to be here and get the treatment he needed, Will was going to have to relinquish all control over his own body and he hated it. He hated that he couldn’t fix this himself, he hated that even now he could sense the tumour nestled deep in his lung, he hated that there was nothing he could do but accept the help of mortal doctors.

Will once more readjusted the flow rate on the drip, setting it back to the right rate that would keep the worst of the side effects away.

It was going to take time to get used to being in the hospital, just like it was going to take time for him to fully recover from tomorrows surgery. 

Nico guided Will to the bed and while Will was strong enough to walk by himself, it felt nice to trust Nico to set the pace. Once Will was lying down, the exhaustion suddenly weighed heavily on him and Will had to fight to keep his eyes open.

“By the way,” Nico said. “I brought you something.”

He held out a small ball and when it lit up a warm gold, Will found himself falling in love with Nico di Angelo all over again.

“A night light.” Nico said. “For a Night Light.”

While this was just a hospital room and not the pits of Tartarus, the small orb still made everything feel a little better and when Nico crawled into bed next to Will, holding him close, that made Will feel a little bit better too.

And, when an hour later Nico had to stumble out of the bed and into the shadows nearly face planting in the process as a nurse came to check on Will again? Now that definitely made him feel better.

@mediwhumpmay

#mediwhumpmay2023 #mediwhumpmayday7 #whump #whump fic #Nico di Angelo #Will Solace #Solangelo #PJO #tumour #benign tumour #hospital #hospitalisation #under 18 whump

[secretsandwriting]

Murder Made Us Do It

Part Twelve: A History On Cults

When a killer targeting couples manages to avoid both the Justice League and the Devil Fugitives, the two “enemies” decide to work together to bring him down. How do you catch a killer targeting couples? You bait him with couples. It couldn’t go wrong, right?

TW WARNINGS: Mentions of child abuse, death, human experimentation, kidnapping, electroshock therapy, phycological abuse, phycological horror, gunshot wounds, autopsies, bullet removal, shrapnel removal, animal abuse, organs outside of the body, starvation, forced iv, blood.

Probably over tagged but I figured better safe than sorry. Anyways idk how much I like this but its good enough! I hope those of you ok with reading it like it!

SUMMARIZED VERSION WITHOUT ALL THE TRIGGERS

ALSO, if you like it pls comment or reblog with your thoughts bc i would love to hear them :D

“I really hate to have to be the one to say it… But ever since we cut contact, Matchmaker hasn’t shown up, we’ve all been feeling like we’re being watched, and we keep hearing about these people with smiley face masks. Something is going on and the only people who knew all the details are Bruce, Dick, Jason, Tim, Jacob and ourselves. The onl-” Alistair looked ready to cry.

“And the only one who wouldn’t face direct problems from it would be Jacob.” Ry finished for him.

“But he took us in, helped us learn how to function in society, got us therapy and countless other things. Why would he do something like this?” It didn’t make sense, why would he put so much effort into helping the three of you while helping the other side.

“The biggest question is who’s he helpi-” A hand clamped over your mouth and held you down, within seconds Ali and Ry were pinned as well. A familiar weight was clamped over your neck and the pain that came with it was just as bad as you remembered.

“No! Please! I promise I’ll be good!” You begged the man in the white coat. “I promise! I’ll sit still and I won’t hurt anyone I’m not supposed to! Just please don’t put the collar on! It hurts so much!” He hadn’t listened and the power restraining collar had been forced on despite your begging.

You were pulled from your memories when you were lifted up after being securely cuffed. Jacob stood up front, talking with one of the old scientists you thought had been killed. He glanced over and smirked. His eyes didn’t hold the warmth you were used to. It was like he was someone else entirely.

“Get them in the van. Make sure no one notices.” 

Why couldn’t nice things last.

Tim looked down at his phone when it pinged. Alistair. A soft smile grew on his face and the rest of the family grinned to themselves. It was cute and good blackmail material. 

“What’d your boyfriend say?”

“It’s just a location. Their hou-” He was cut off by the sound of Jason’s phone. Ry judging by the look on his face. He stepped away to answer before coming back and putting it on speaker. It sounded like Trash. The chatter was clearly a racoon and he sounded upset.

“The SOS.” Dick looked sick.

“What.” Bruce stood up.

“Y/n told me that they have a three part SOS and that the order they would come in would be Alistair, Ry, and then her. But her part was just a bunch of numbers and a book-” He typed through his phone before  showing them a screenshot with a series of numbers. 

“That's a safe code.”

“We need to go now!”

The entire group moved fast, getting into costume before getting into vehicles and speeding away. Within record time they were entering the house. Everything looked normal until two disturbed animals came running in. Trash waved them in while Appa started moving further into the house. 

They were led to a bookshelf that Trash scaled until he reached one book and tugged, looking back at the group. Damian stepped forward.

“A history of Cults?” He reached out and grabbed the book to pull it out but it only went so far before it stopped and they heard a click. Appa yowled from her spot on the ground, front paws up on the bookshelf and almost mimicking pushing it. Steph moved to help the cat and the bookshelf moved easily revealing a safe. The safe’s door was ripped off and it was empty.

“They go-” Appa yowled, interrupting Bruce and turning their eyes down to where Trash was acting something out.

“Behind it!” Jason moved and started inspecting the safe, Tim joining him. “Here. Pull!” The safe was moved and under it was another safe. “The code!” Dick put in the code and the door opened. He pulled out three files and a notebook. On the front of the books, in all caps, READ IN A SECURE LOCATION! Back to the Batcave, this time, they called the rest of the league to join them. 

“Why are we here?”

“The three from Devil’s Fugitives. Ghost, Cryptic, and Hacker have been kidnapped. We don’t know why or by who but they left us everything to get into their safe where we pulled these.” Bruce set the files and the notebook on the table. “We’re going to go over them and see if we can get any information off of them.”

“Ok, why is Dick holding a cat and a raccoon clinging to Jason?”

“They’re the girl’s pets.” 

The first file was scanned in and within seconds the first page was pulled up. 

Subject 404

It was Alistair’s judging by his ability listed. The reality of how bad it was, slowly started sinking in. They all saw the signs of past trauma, wasted as the three refused to explain things they had asked about, how how they all had weird habits that seemed off. But they never would have realized the full extent.

They hadn’t even gotten past the first page with the training plan. Just the training plan. But it was horrific. The detailed daily schedule consisted of electroshock therapy, whatever the hell fear training was, 6 hours of training daily, then an additional 4 hours of mental training as well as a whole slew of other things they didn’t want to figure out.

The second page was worse. It was the scientist's notes. While it was all important and all extremely twisted, a few things stood out to them.

—---

Today pain training went well, the subject barely flinched when he was shot. Tomorrow we’ll try multiple shots.

—---

The subject is starting to settle down. He’s not trying to make friends anymore and he’s going quietly when the guards go get him.

—---

The subject is showing signs of fear towards rats. Tomorrow he’ll go through fear training and will be locked in a cage with them until he’s no longer afraid.

—---

Today we introduced the subject to another to compare compatibility.

—---

The subject seems to be working well with Subject 532. 

—---

The Subject and Subject 532 will be introduced to the third. 

—---

Subjects 404, 532, and 673 have been introduced and started training together. Its only a matter of time before our goals are completed.

—---

The subjects seem to be getting too friendly. He was put down.

—---

During Subject 404’s autopsy, 31 bullets, 45 shrapnel, and 392 foreign items were removed. They’re currently in the process of fixing the broken bones, once that’s complete we’ll move onto the enhanced Lazurus pit injections we created.

—---

The injection was just inserted into the subject's heart. Now it’s a waiting game

—---

The subject’s heart has started beating on its own.

—---

One of the side effects seems to be a change in blood color, It's now a dark turquoise. 

—---

The first training session since the revival has revealed an increase of physical abilities.

—---

The subjects are still too close. When a guard tried to separate them, he was killed without hesitation. They’re getting stronger, we’re getting closer.

The only sound in the cave was Tim’s sobs. It was horrific. No one wanted to move onto the other files but they had too. They needed a clue as to where they would be.

The Next file was labeled Subject 532. It was Ry’s. The first page was basically the same, all the normal information a doctors office would have and then another horrible schedule plan. The Rest of the file was notes, and they braced themselves for the worst. 

—---

Subject 532 is doing well with the fear training. It only takes an hour for her to get over most fears. 

—---

The subject is still overly friendly with others but that could work as a cover so we’re letting it slide for now.

—---

We’ve found a good punishment for the subject since meals weren’t enough leverage. Give her punishments to the animals she trains with and she’ll break.

—---

The subject was introduced to a potential teammate. Subject 404. We’re not sure how it will go yet.

—---

The two subjects seem to be working well together. We’ll adjust their training to match

—---

A Third subject will be introduced. It’s earlier than planned but we’re progressing well. 

—---

The first training with the third is going well. They’ve seemed to click well. Training will be adjusted again

—---

The subject has gotten too close with the others. We were afraid of this. Subject 532 has been terminated.

—---

Subject 532’s autopsy went well. All foreign objects were removed and bones and organs were patched up. Her organs will be placed in the body and the Enhanced Lazarus Pit serum will be injected tomorrow

—---

The Subject's heart has started beating. It’s estimated she’ll be back up in less than a week

—---

There's been a change in blood color as well as a few other vitals.

—---

The first training session went well. The subject is showing signs of advanced physical abilities and increased aggression. More testing will be needed to find the limit

—---

The subjects are still too close. When separation is mentioned around them they go ballistic. Its only a matter of time before they’re too strong for any chains mankind can create

Jason looked sick, between crying and screaming. No one could blame him. The things they read in the last hour were horrible. No one should have to go through anything like that. They continued on.

Subject #673

—---

Starvation training is going good. It’s been 6 days since her last meal and she hasn’t broken yet.

—---

The subject seems to be avoiding others, that's good for now

—---

The subject refused to drink anything again today. We’ll have to use an IV

—---

The subject is doing well with most of her training. She’s being prepared for her introduction with the other two subjects.

—---

The subject wasn’t working well with the other two until a little into the session. They’ll be good together

—---

Training has been adjusted to better match the three of them. However the subjects appear to be getting too close.

—---

As feared, the subjects became too close to each other. Subject 673 was killed.

—---

The subject was autopsied and put back together with the Enhanced Lazarus Pit liquid injected into her heart at the end. 

—---

Her vitals are returning to normal and she should be ready to go soon. Her blood has started to change color.

—---

The first training session has revealed an increase in physical ability. This will do wonders for our goal.

—---

The subject has started showing signs of increased hostility, right now sh-

It abruptly cut off and blood could be seen at the bottom of the paper. There was nothing to help there. Just a list and descriptions of the horrors the three went through. That left their only hope in the notebook.

The three boys had seen enough, they had spent the last 7 months getting closer to them only to have them ripped from them and then shown the horrors the three had grown up with. But they needed to find them. They needed to save them. And they needed information for that

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[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi, thanks for answering, i appreciate it. also that you didn’t just call me toxic or some shit and tell me to fuck off. i’ve actually never thought of joining a discord server but it’s a good idea, thank you, i think i could try that. i guess on another account though to prevent anyone from accidentally finding out bc you know for yourself how it is. i’ll look up if i can find some kind of dbt workbooks online as well.

the journaling idea is good as well, i’ve actually been trying for a while but i end up rarely using it as a past experience left me with kinda bad trust issues about writing / drawing things down where someone could see them. but i guess i could try hiding it better this time or something. it’s just this thing that also sometimes venting like that actually ends up making me even more frustrated, as i realize i’ve already written about this exact thing countless times before yet still nothing has changed.

i’m trying not to make a too harsh judgement of my therapist yet, considering i haven’t been seeing her for that long, but… yeah. when i said that i’ve been going to therapy for years i meant going to a lot of different ones in this time. no one ever gets me. their advice is always so fucking useless. honestly at least this current one actually listens and doesnt make me feel uncomfortable or like i’m being judged. i think she’s the one i’ve been the most honest with because of that (and also because i just started telling her everything from the first session on already bc i’m tired of everyone always turning out to be nothing but a waste of time and money and effort), i generally lie to therapists esp my psychiatrist so i can get the meds i want (or else im 100% she’d just put me on some shit like antipsychotics, which ive been on in the past and i’d honestly rather kill myself than take them again, idk if you’ve tried them before but i basically felt r*tarded [idk how some ppl are sensitive of slur use like i personally dont care but i dont want your blog banned or smth] and tired all the time and it “”””helped”””” in the way that it made me too slow to be able to think about my problems. thanks psychiatry. not a traumatizing experience at all). i mentioned that i suspect i could have a personality disorder to her once or twice and she seemed to agree that it could be a possibility, but obviously no one can diagnose that fast. but i guess i’ll see. i really just want to know whats wrong with me, why do i think the way i do, why i can’t just be more fucking normal no matter how hard i try. but getting an actual diagnosis of a PD esp if it turned out to be this one would just mean i’d get treated even worse by every single doctor, not even necessarily a mental health one, bc physical doctors see all your records as well,, i’ve already been told my legitimate physical issues are just bc im depressed, or even if they dont straight up tell me they definitely treat me less seriously and i just know its bc i have mental illnesses diagnoses & im female.

i just … ugh. i feel so sick of it all and misunderstood. i know i can get genuinely abusive in arguments when someone upsets me but i really dont know how to stop or control myself. i hate that people act as if it’s all my fault. like everything i’ve gone through doesn’t even matter and i’m just an inherently evil person. like i didn’t have some kind of a terribly traumatic childhood, but i’ve always been either bullied or excluded by almost everyone i’ve ever met and all the social isolation honestly really fucked me up. i think that’s why i developed such a strong individuality complex as i’ve never been able to think all of it must be simply because i’m worthless. like fuck no, 99% of the people are dumb and shallow and ignorant towards reality of the world and i’m supposed to feel like i’m somehow worse than them? at least i have self awareness and my own thoughts. i mean i do think we’re all worthless because nothing in life has any value, so why should humanity be the exception? that still doesn’t stop me from hating everyone though. i may be a hypocrite but so is everyone else; and at least i don’t pretend to be a gOoD pErSoN. lacking empathy and not having morals doesn’t make me any less deserving of help even though i know how many people unironically believe people like me should just be shot. fucking brainless hypocrites, all of them.

but anyway yeah my point here is, fuck people who think anyone chooses to be this way. all of this has done nothing good for me other than made my life much harder. and not to mention unable to ever get genuinely close to anyone because what is the worth in a relationship if i can’t even bring myself to care about anyone? i don’t think “empaths” even realize how alienating it actually is. which is once again so ironic because THEY should be the ones to try to understand it, but no, they just generalize everyone and share the nonsense propaganda that we’re incapable of change.

so yeah, this turned into another vent but i really lack any people in my life who i could be honest with. i feel so lonely all the time. it’s not even really missing a friend group or romance or physical touch, it’s more of this feeling of feeling completely alone and that no one (other than a few people whose writings and actions i admire but they’re all dead) would ever be able to truly understand me. so yeah as cheesy as it is, sometimes it’s nice to be reminded i’m not alone by someone other than a generic social media post made by someone who’d 100% hate me if i told them even half this shit. can i maybe dm you sometime btw? i felt like staying anon while writing this bc i tend to get anxious with ppl at first but idk, maybe, if youre comfortable with that ofc

btw if its alright to ask can i ask how did you get diagnosed? what was the process like and how long did it take? did they suspect anything else at first? do you feel treated by ppl any differently now tjat you have a diagnosis of such a stigmatized disorder? (^ i mean these previous questions if youre diagnosed by a psych, if not its perfectly valid as well ofc) whats personally helping u to cope?

Good luck! I’m glad I could offer some help/reassurance. Maybe instead of a physical journal you could use a private blog or even just a notes app on your phone/computer if that sounds safer?

I do hope things improve with your new therapist and that things work out, it’s good that she at least agrees you might have a PD. Normally I’d recommend a therapist who specializes in PDs, maybe even especially NPD, but idk if that’s accessible for you and/or if you’ve already tried it and had no luck.

But again, I want to reiterate that you’re not alone, and what you’re going through and what you feel is 100% relatable to other pwNPD. I truly wish that more people understood us and the irony isn’t lost on me that it’s always “empaths” who are the ones who have the LEAST empathy for us. And I feel like the societal lack of understanding contributes to the more “ugly” or “stigmatized” traits of our disorder even more, tbh. Anyway, my point is that I definitely don’t mind at all if you vent, so please do feel free to DM me if you want to or feel more comfortable that way!

As for my diagnosis, it’s a bit messy — for context im a recent graduate from college and the bulk of my therapy came from campus services, where it was acknowledged I very likely had a PD especially within cluster B but I never got an official diagnosis while I was seeing the school-based therapist, and at the moment I’m trying to find a new therapist who can help me. At first we thought I just had a really intense form of rejection sensitivity dysphoria due to ADHD, then realized it was likely something else. So I’m a weird mix of “self diagnosed, but likely wouldn’t have admitted it to myself or realized it if a professional hadn’t pointed me in that direction.” Until I can find a professional im honestly just doing the best I can to help myself. Sometimes I get tempted to turn to substances to cope bc they make me softer and more open, and if you feel the same way I highly recommend avoiding this, ofc. I mostly use relatable music (lmk if you want my NPD playlist!) and DBT workbooks as a way to help myself, and I also just try my hardest to avoid or remove myself from situations where I might lose my cool and become toxic. Obviously this is easier said than done, but there are ways to do it. For instance, if I’m in a group chat where I feel like people are getting more attention than me, I’ll mute the group chat and maybe text someone from a different group one-on-one (not necessarily about my issues, just in general).I know that answer is pretty mild and entirely social media based lol, but it’s the best example I can provide.

[vtoriacore-rbs]

rant but ignore, gotta post it somehwere but not for my irls to see. tw alcohol poisoning and suicide mention

like fuck no amount of drinking until I'm getting my stomach pumped in the ER will ever take away the shit some people say about people with mental health issues, ive been called an animal, been told to seriously kill myself (nearly have multiple times), been told im a "psychopath" or an evil bitch and have had countless friendships end very messily for having an issue i can't even fucking control do you think i wanna idolise people until they do something wrong so i hate them? do you think i wanna split because of a minor fucking issue? you think i wanna obsess over every reply and every interaction until im so stressed i end up marking my own fucking skin with whatever the fuck is nearby? do you think i wanna be aware of all of this and still do it without control over my thoughts? for fucks sake it's so anger inducing. drunken rant but hey ho im fucking sick of these bitches pretending to stick it out with you thinking your disorder is fucking "cute" and they can "fix" it or whatever like ??? god give these people common sense and maybe give me some too so I don't choose my friends who are assholes who idolise mental illness until it turns ugly

#tw alcohol poisoning #tw suicide mention

[cacytho]

⚠️VERY LONG VENT⚠️

my parents “broke up” for a little? if u can call it that. my dad had been cheating on my mum for a little over 6 months (idk how long i just know a minimum of 6 months) she found out on the 12th of may 2023. she found out after SHE dropped off all 4 of her kids who go to 3 separate schools (my older sister 15, me 13, my younger sister 10 and the youngest 9). she came home looked at his phone while he was showering. she did it bc they had almost 20 years of marriage and he was being more distant than usual. a woman from work (my dad works 7 on 7 of). that after noon we all got home from school and mum said that dads going through some stuff and doesn’t want to be with her anymore. there were a lot of tears. he stayed for the night than left on saturday. on sunday (WHICH WAS MOTHER’S DAY.) my mum told me (i was 13 at the time) and my older sister (who was 15 at the time) that he was cheating. (we found her face book she look to be in her late 20s, she deleted said facebook, my sister later found out she was in her mid 20s (my dads 50)) up until june when my dad was home he would stay home with up and my mum would stay at a friends house and when my mum wanted to be home dad would stay at a caravan park. and when my dad was home he would sleep on a blow up mattress. my mum and dad started doing stuff together, like dates, couples counseling. my mum said she’s staying with him for us, so we have a dad. ive asked her and she said she would of left him if she didn’t have us. i’ve given her my opinion and told her to leave him, file for divorce. my dad (who’s never rlly been present my entire life. one time when i was 6 he missed a fathers day picnic. i was the only kid there without there dad, i was also a rlly shy kid so that entire time i sat alone) he wasn’t one to join in on fun things. he would either be inside on the couch, yelling at us to shut up or outside in his garage. so now he was in jeopardy of loosing his wife and possibly his kids. he was close, he would do stuff with us, he would take us places without my mum telling him too. at first i was loving it, finally having a dad? booya. and we all believed i was his favourite daughter, i would ask him for something. done. but over time. idk something changed, sure if i asked smth he would get it. but he wasn’t treating me like my sisters. i got ruffer treatment. i am a bit boyish than my sisters, 2 of them r rlly into makeup and the other one loves to dress up. we would physically fight. like no abuse or anything. he was treating me like a son. we would both be laughing. but most days i would be allowed to sleep in, he would wake me up by either having water poured on me, him jump on me (he’s 50 and over weight) or him straight up trying to fight me. i’ve made him bleed countless times (i’ve got long nails) we’ve been in endless arguments. i’ve had him straight up tell me he hates me (in front of my mum and sisters) and my mum told ME to apologise. my relationship with my parents has never been good. but it had never gotten this bad. i was confused me and my mum would shit talk my dad, than she would get up me for shit talking my dad. it’s so confusing having someone go against smth u swore u would always hate on try and be better. am i just meant to forget? like he trying to be better to my mum but not me? he’s hurt me too. he fights me. i don’t give him mnms (that k paid for) he try’s to physically fight me. also did i mention that my older sister found the mistresses phone number? and now i have it. her name is Lauren.

sorry about this if u read it, just needed to write it out.

#vent post #tw vent #daddy issues #mommy issues #family #issue #fights #please help

[hsgdjshs]

@k1r0sl1mb0 just read this entire thing.

This is pre typed message

Please, read the entirety.

since you have me blocked everywhere i think the most logical and.. really the only way to do this is on a empty acc where only you'd see it. im going to be brutal here, so sincerely, i want you to read it.

Notes.

8/30/23

Recently the cards seem don't really make much sense. Everything seems fine, i don't understand what it's trying to tell me.

its like, a bunch of happy cards like the 10 of cups keep coming out but after all of those suddenly theres the 3 of swords. i dont get it.

maybe im not good at these right now"

9/11/23

I have this weird ass looming feeling like somethings gonna go wrong but nothing seems off

Im scared i dont understand why i feel like this, everything seems okay"

9/24/23

"i cant shake this feeling tonight.

i hate this feeling.

i wish it'd stop.

i hate this

i cant take this right now

ive been this way for hours and i never fucking asked for this."

9/29/23

"i feel so sick fuck theres something wrong but i dont know what and im scared

something feels so off. somethings about to happen again im scared its the same times as last year and shes been so distant its like she isnt telling me something im so confused

am i doing something wrong?"

That was prior to everything. I knew for longer than I want to admit I did. I knew it was coming.

I wanna show you one more note though. Im going to edit it a bit ofc, but you see my point.

10/10/23

"i really hope one day you'll fall in love with me and just me alone, im tired of being the boy who's like him.

i wanna be the one you love

i want you to fall in love with me, all of me, all the fucked up bits of me just me not the pieces of him you can find in me.

i just want your love.

i wanna be loved how i love you

i want you to want to gently hold me and care for me and tell me that you love me and to just do what i do for you.

i wanna be able to cry to you and be comforted be told its okay have my cries responded to when i need you

i want to be cared for so badly

i want you to care when im not okay i want you to be there to calm me to even me out please

i want you to still care when things go wrong i wanna feel like you care but even if i was about to try to commit suicide you wouldnt be there because i cant die.

i really wish you'd care for me the way you probably cared about him."

It felt like that for ages. I mean like, actual fucking ages.

This is me being vulnerable with you, properly.

Anyways, moving on. I figured using some notes would help me talk about this. I really hope you're reading this, because I typed this on 10/25/23, but I plan on scheduling this to send in.. several months actually. I just need to let it out yk? To be honest, you said you're self aware but you aren't.

A relationship means caring for the other person involved too, and to be absolutely brutal? You never gave a shit about me. If you did you sure didn't show it. I was never once a top priority to you, hell I suspected you must be cheating a few times and I WAS HALFASS RIGHT. You did like someone else, intuition never lies. I feel like I deserved better to be honest. I always gave you everything, I bought you things and sent you paragraphs, I have a box full of love letters and I've done countless amounts of spellwork in the name of protecting you, but I never got anything in return for it. Nothing at all. Im calling you selfish, Robyn. You're genuinely so selfish that I don't know how you haven't noticed it yourself. Oh i'm dying?? No matter! I'll be fine!! Its like that is what goes through your head. Its like, no matter what was happening it never mattered. You never seemed to give a shit unless my life was on the line and even then? Rare that you'd even respond. When i'm doing bad its a hassle to even get a hug. I was always there for you every second, if something was the matter with you I prioritized trying to stay with you until everything was okay. I loved you. I made sure you always knew I loved you, I told you all about it constantly. I did so much for you, I even saved $300 in hopes I would get to travel to see you once I hit 18.

I did everything for you. I was dedicated, I was genuinely ready to give you my life.

But i'm speaking in past tense.

Sometimes, I think you never even actually were in love with me, but just the shadow of Shiloh that I had. I know I'm similar, I know thats what you saw in me originally. Whenever I asked you what you loved about me you couldn't even tell me, yet I had a 50 bullet point long list of all these small things I adored about you. It was insane how unreciprocated it was, yet I desperately tried to get the validation of being loved by you. I tried and I tried, constantly, I thought "If I keep trying, she'll give me something! She says she loves me so maybe if I do this or this she'll give me a little bit of affection." I thought like that, every day. Like some fucking neglected dog waiting for their owner to feed them for the first time in weeks. You wanna know what I find even funnier though? The fact that the little bit of affection I got was a "💖" reaction to my essay about loving you. That, was what I was so fucking excited for. You warped me that bad mentally. I actually hit a point where I thought, that a fucking heart reaction was proper reciprocation of my feelings.

Another point I would like to make is that in this last run, You literally could care less about my emotional wellbeing. "Ask Apollo" what if I wanted my LITERAL GIRLFRIEND who's supposed to be there for me to comfort me? What if, maybe, just maybe, I wanted you to just simply say the words "It'll be okay, don't worry" to me? That's all I have ever wanted from you. I was never seeking advice, or validation, or anything else. I was literally just seeking comfort and to be listened to.

Out of the relationship, I still sought for comfort in you. I didn't know better. I had nobody else. So I would spend my nights crying to you, not in hopes for you to fix it but in hopes that you would listen, that you'd hug me and tell me that I was going to be okay. That you'd prove you cared about me and still loved me in any way at all.

You never responded so I kept doing it because I wanted that comfort.

This is where the emotional numbness wears down a bit. The 23rd, you know when you left. Don't take this as guilt tripping but I am gonna give a quick rundown of why the way you executed that makes you a fucking asshole. One of my best friends? Left me. Another one of my best friends? Contemplating suicide!! (They did attempt, ended up in a ward.) And then on top of all of that? THAT is when you choose to drop the bomb on me!! Yes, call me out, but NO don't do it when i'm under that kind of stress. I don't know if the mental basic skills weren't working or if you're that fucking selfish, but that is not a good time to just yk, leave!! It really isn't. Like seriously. "Oh you're at peak mental worst? Yeah sorry bro let me just leave you alone to your own demise and do the one thing that I know will drive you insane, gotta help you out here."

And look I get it, I hate myself too I know, but that was just foul. It was genuinely such a shitty thing to do and I don't care if you were being told by deities to cut communication you could've waited a day or hell, had a real conversation with me!! Gone "Hey August, we need to talk" YOU COULD'VE TALKED TO ME. But no. No that isn't right to you now is it? You ran away again basically. I can guarantee this would've hurt x10 LESS bad if you just simply went and asked me to talk and then explained all of that. In a conversation, like a actual fucking interaction. You could've said you needed some time away, told me we need to cut communication, and let me have a proper goodbye to you.

You're one of the most selfish, cruel people I have ever known and if that doesn't make you self aware I really don't know what does. I knew that you were selfish and cold and still found so much to love anyways, yet you never had enough decency to be kind to me. You never were able to just, return the favor of treating me nicely and letting me speak the final words I wanted to.

I hate you. I really wanna say it. I fucking hate you.

But its not true. I'm mentally wired not to hate you almost as if static covers up those words, I wish I hated you. I really fucking wish I did.

I think you successfully did it, you know how you became emotionally so closed off? I think that a new yet timeless cycle happened, and its that I am unable to trust anyone ever again. Everyone is a liar, especially you. I won't show emotions because it will always always ALWAYS result in me being alone.

You must be happy with making me just like you were, i'm sure its why we're bonded the way we are. Must've been inevitable. I wonder if you're feeling what I feel as I am typing this.

I wish that the next words i'm about to say were a lie, but they aren't.

I love you.

[florencicle]

reallu long rant below tw for talkimg ab sex in general

i love my best friend to death. i do. i genuinely love her so much but today she just absolutely pressed my last button and i snapped and i feel bad about it but like. basically for context my best friend was like super popular in hs and ms and then there was always Me. like it was (let's call her L) it was "omg there's L!!" and then me trailing behind her. the only reason i wasn't a complete loser in high school was because she stood up for me to everyone who even dared talk shit or be mean to me. and like not to say that this was one of those really horrible friendships in the movies where the popular girl is always mean to her best friend - that's not the case at all. this girl is genuinely my platonic soulmate and she has saved my life on multiple occasions and she is the reason i am still here. i love her to death. but her popularity really just . bothers me ?? i guess. that sounds super like gross and jealous but i'm not jealous. i like my solitude. but she's always got people in her dms who want to date her and shes always in the talking stage with someone or like she's always getting hit on. she's talking to this guy who she REALLY likes and this other guy who she's kinda just like leading on and like it's so frustrating. even though i told her like hey man as someone who was JUST in that situation it kinda sucks you really shouldn't lead that boy on and she's like but it's just hard to open up to (original boy she likes) and it's ez to open up to this guy and so i want to keep him around as an option. and the boy has like no problem with this bcus ik him personally and like he's also talking to other girls at the same time so it's not really the whole like leading him on thing that bothers me. it's just like. idk it makes me feel kinda outcasted and insecure hwen it comes to talking about our romantic lives because she's always talking to someone she really likes and i'm either recuperating from a bad situation or i'm in a bad situation. i have never had a romantic relationship that has ever treated me like a human being. /srs. i think that's why i'm still caught up on this whole thing that just happened bcus for once in my life i felt like someone actually cared about me and actually liked me for me and treated me like i fucking mattered. it just is so alienating to me whenever she talks about it because i don't understand how she opens herself up for love so easily after rejections and bad situations. it's so so so hard for me to open up to friends, let alone someone i'm romantically interested in, and so i can just never relate to her. and i hate opening up, i do, zone wohld know, they've asked countless times for me to talk about my feelings and i just. Can't. so for her to just be like yeah i'll keep this guy around as an option u know just to be safe it's so ??? and upsetting bcus i don't get options. i get one person who i think i like and then i hesitantly open up and then boom. they do something shitty or they leave me and i'm left to pick up the pieces and there goes any chance of me opening up to anyone for the next 700 years. after i broke up with my ex last august it took me literally an entire year to let myself even think about the idea of a romantic relationship. my friend can just rebound so easily and i don't get it. i dont connect to people the way she does and whenever i connect to people there's just something so horribly wrong about me that makes them want to leave or that makes them treat me like garbage. and it's just. i'm almost 20 and ive never been on a real date and im still the v word and im so so so behind on everything. i cannot connect to people easily and it's even harder for me to make them stay and it's just. i wonder how she can do it and i can't and it's like. there's gotta be something wrong with me. i've done everything. i've changed my hair i got piercings i changed my style i put effort into my appearance and still nobody wants me (mitski ref) and the people who do want me end up hurting me. i just cannot for the LIFE of me understsnd what is so wrong about me.

oh my god i hit the maximum for a text block i didn't even know that was a thing. anyways. i've spent the last couple of days rotting in my room trying to figure out why i can't be a normal teenage girl and go on dates. i have to LIKE LIKE the person to even consider a date with them. i have to be practically in love to even consider having sex with them. i kissed a guy in july. we are good friends, we went to see lovejoy together like. that's my homie fr. we kissed and it wasn't a bad kiss but i wasn't attracted to him. i was sick to my stomach for weeks /srs. i genuinely was nauseous and ill and i felt gross for weeks because i just wasn't attracted to him. and it's like. my friends r out having sex and going on dates and i can't even consider sex with someone i don't like like. and they're like oh sex isn't even that such a big deal like once u have ur first time it's genuinely not special you don't need to give ur v card to a special person and it's like. it's not that. i could care less about sex and your first time being some sacred important thing or whatever, i just don't feel comfortable having sex with a total stranger. i was so opposed to the idea of even having sex with my ex because i wasn't attracted to him anymore towards the end and i just .. to me sex is such an intimate thing and it's so vulnerable and i hate being vulnerable that i would rather die a virgin than have sex with someone i met on tinder. and i don't get it. why can't i be normal?? why can't i just be normal and go on dates and let people in so easily?? i just genuinely want to be Normal and be okay with the idea of talking romantically to multiple people at once. i just want to be able to talk about my many different options wjth my friends instead of me sitting there like a fucking dweeb who's recovering from another hesrtbreak. like i don't understand how they can give themselves to multiple people at once because when i like someone i give them everything i have. i give every bit of effort that i have to make it work andnit just doesn't and i am always left heartbroken because i just can't be normal and be happy with the idea of talking to someone romantically and not expecting a relationship. why r we talking romantically if there's going to be no relationship. i don't get it. that doesn't make any sense to me. one time my best friend called me a serial monogamist and i think that's 1. really fucking funny and 2. it's just true. i don't see the point in fooling around and it's what's gotten me heartbroken so many times bcus im just seen as something to fool around with. a fun summer fling or someone to get them through the winter. i just . it's hard to believe that this has happened to me three fucking times already but it's because i keep putting myself in those situations. i keep putting myself in the position to be heartbroken because i can't be normal and want to have a fling. i dunno. it's all so stupid and i wish hookup culture didn't fucking exist and people weren't so shitty and i wish that i was actually loveable and capable of being given love. i deserve it. i do i know i do. i may be a bitch and a cunt but i've never done anytning Bad in my life. i deserve to be loved the way everyone else is being loved. i deserve it and yet i cant fuckimg receive it

#if u read all this ur a real one and i love u and dm me for a picture of my cat as ur reward

[yawyawnilen]

Hello, it’s 2am and i’m still awake. I took a nap man sad ganiha. so yeah… the consequences of my actions.

I decided to write something here. for my own sanity. i have no one to talk to. well, i do, but i dont want to burden them.

To be honest, i am so lonely these days. i have friends, i have my cousins, but… i got no one to talk to about deep shit that goes on in my head. my closest friend is in Japan and she’s facing her own problems. i dont want to dagdag pa sa iyang gina isip and besides, i’ve told her all about this stuff countless times before. so balik balik ra mi. Hurot na words of advice and comfort namo sa isat isa haha. my two other close friends are here but i dont think they’d want to listen to me hahahaha again, they have their own problems. i dont want to be a burden. Plus im really not looking for advice and they might just unknowingly send me an advice which mag halt akong brain ana and ma activate akong fight or flight. I would just say im fine. If i want to share, all i want is an enthusiastic listener. kanang feeling nako di ko iinvalidate, dili iinvalidate akong ma feel. just like how i’d listen to their own life stories sana.

Anyway, what im feeling right now is of my own. i guess its bcs hapit nako dug-on so im extra emotional. so yeah. I still got no job. im starting to feel a burden to this house but im not actually a burden since i do give money. my savings are almost running out. i am becoming broke na. it’s stressing me out. but i dont want to apply to any kind of stressful job bcs mag balik na sad ko ato na cycle and i hate it so much.

Why cant we just be rich? im so tired of being poor. All i want is to read and watch stuff. Cant i get paid over that? why cant i be a nepotism baby? i wouldnt care. im just so tired of this situation.

I am actually becoming hopeless again. ive been unemployed for 5 months now. i dont know what i want to do in my life. Im sick and tired of being clueless. is there no manual that i can check para kabalo ko asa na padulong akong life?

Sometimes, i wish i could just drop dead so that i wont stress myself anymore. the concept of no life after death tempts me. but i wouldnt directly do that to myself. im too self absorbed to just kill myself no.

I have a lot of things i want to say but my brain is blanking again. maybe i’ll add more tomorrow.

#life update #yawyawsnilen

[lightadarttomendyourheart]

i've decided to take a break from it all. i've realized ive been so consumed by all the chats and planning the weekender and london and everything. texting brandon. i really like to busying myself with planning i think. but anyways, it's gotten too much. i feel like no one (minus a few) really appreciates and respects all the work and hours i put in to everything. and of course its not only me, but i really take the responsibility and the weight on my shoulders of planning all these things. it's an emotional burden. i make so many tabs and docs and resources for everyone to have all the information needed at their fingertips. and then what do they do? don't even fucking use it. they ask the same questions over and over again. when literally, what am i doing? googling it and answering them. why the fuck can't THEY google it and get their answers instead of asking other people. am i a fucking personal travel agent?

and i know i should just not engage. i should just take a deep breath and not reply. wait for someone else to take on the burden. but i can't. i physically and mentally fucking cant. maybe that's my character flaw. and the thing is, someone else WILL answer, and IT WONT BE CORRECT. and then days later someone will finally do the research or someone will tell them or whatever, and THEN they'll find out the actual, true information, when instead i can just quickly reply immediately and give them the exact correct information. but at what cost. honestly, at what fucking cost to my mental health.

i know they don't NEED me to plan shit, people have done trips without me i know i'm not fucking god and know everything. but i have all the info. literally. i remember everything from my initial research. from countless conversations we've had where we've decided this or that. where we've found out this or that. why can't they remember? do they even try to remember? i don't think they do. they just want someone else to do all the heavy lifting and reap the rewards. just tag along for the ride and do nothing. it's too much. i can't fucking handle it right now.

and i do handle it most of the time. and most of the time, it's fine. and with certain people, i get it. but seriously a simple fucking question. they look for it. and they can't find the answer. then i take 2 minutes out of my day and find the answer right away. like???? I DONT GET IT.

i seriously don't get it. it boggles me. why do they have to make my life so hard? i know they don't even realize it. i know it's not personal. but fuck it feels like it. why do you think i spend so much time getting us so organized. so i don't forget and so EVERYONE ELSE CAN BE A PART OF THE PLANNING AND FUCKING KNOW EVERYTHING AND NOT ASK ME THE SAME THING 5 TIMES.

like this is the which trip we're all doing together. like the 6th? 7th? this is not our first rodeo!!!!

i know this has something to do with indy too. how many fucking times did i tell him, this isn't a good idea. i'm going to hurt you. this will fuck up our friendship. yet, he didn't fucking listen to me. and i fucking hate that i can't talk to anyone but maya about it.

and honestly, after that talk we had on saturday night, literally fighting about the same fucking shit we always fight about. and then he makes that fucking rude ass comment about forcing me to go to qrion. like, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?!??!?! after i literally yelled at him for trying to force me to drink. after i fucking told him it made it feel like he was giving me no other option than to kiss him that one night to finally fucking shut him up. he fucking pulls this shit with me again. and it feels even fucking worse than before. it feels so personal. and it feels like he didn't hear anything i fucking said. like all of my feelings and personal views and WANTS mean fucking NOTHING to him. it's so fucking disrespectful. it makes me feel like what i want means absolutely nothing. and honestly, idfk what the fuck his intentions are, because at this point, they can't be good. how can someone explain that with a good outcome at heart. in my opinion, they can't. i really don't get it. what have i done. what did i fucking do to deserve to be so disrespected by my family. when i have fought so fucking hard for him. i've stood up for him SO many fucking times behind closed doors, when he's not even LISTENING or not even IN THE CHAT. i've been his biggest advocate because i fucking care about him and know him and i can't stand people shit talking him when i know he's trying to be good, that he's changing. but guess what, i guess he's fucking not. literally this whole week has proven to me he hasn't changed in the slightest. and with me. what a fucking stab in the back. when all i try to do is fight for him. he can't fucking give me the respect and decency i deserve. fuck him. seriously. i'm so fucking mad at him. and its not like i didn't tell him. it's not like i've secretly been bottling all of this up. he just doesn't fucking LISTEN. it's always all about him. well, what about me. what about my feelings. what about what's good for me????

and honestly, i'm at a point i feel like i've been chasing brandon this entire time and i'm over it. i'm just at full quit capacity right now. i'm quitting everything. not actually, but emotionally, yeah. right now, for the time being, i fucking quit. i quit the group chats. i quit planning. and i'm quitting brandon. if he wants to fucking talk to me, HE can fucking talk to me. i told him of course i'm taking a whatsapp break and to text me anywhere else. nothing bad against him, all about the groups etc. cause it's maybe 5-10% about him (but more so my emotions). i didn't just ghost and stop replying cause he didn't do anything wrong. but i'm curious when and if he will. i wanna say im sure he'll text or snap me something in the next few days. but who the fuck knows.

i really hate how much this all affects me. i wish it didn't. but alas. here we are.

idk how long i'll last. but honestly, since deleting whatsapp after work. i already feel so much better. i feel free. i hope i can last a week at least. maybe before sarah and i go to vic i'll redownload it. but then again, why do i want to stint my progress right before a nice relaxing weekend with my best friends.

we'll see what happens.

#personal

[thebuttsmcgee]

today on the butts chronicles, I'm going to lose my shit cuz I was so excited to make the webcomic that's a rewrite of an already existing series yet feel so discouraged cuz I cant draw for shit and am unable to fit the expectations I've got on all this. I dont have an art style I just have the same way I've been drawing since I was 5 but uglier.

#the butts chronicles #this shit sucks #at least I drew a lil luz that doesnt look too awful kinda maybe but even then #I see so much wrong with it. ugh #5 year old me shouldnt have been compared to every other person that could draw and be discouraged from others #yet it happened. and every year following that too. the only complement I remember getting #was on 2 occasions. one was with my friend when I drew a goofy stickman flippin the bird back in like 4th grade #and the other was in middle school with an average drawing of Scorpion from MK #geez. I even used to have flipnote yet was compared to my cousins and sister's flipnotes. #I know talent takes skills and skills develop over the years #but Ive been drawing my entire life!!! doodles painting coloring retracing free-drawing #Ive done a lot! yet it's always just been ugly lines that barely connect. the anatomy is off #the expressions are always shitty with the eyes too far apart #the mouth is usually the same 5 shapes #arms in general and hands always looking small with big sausage fingers #I fucking hate this man. Ive always been discouraged and told to focus on other things but its never felt so bad as now. #Cuz I want to do this for me!!! Cuz the series Im rewriting is one that means so so so much to me!!! #This wasn't just to prove my abilities on writing or drawing this was meant to be something I could have my own version of. #It's been rewritten countless times and I wanted one for me. Something fun and I could make without cringing at parts. #I just wanted to do this man. Now Im not sure. yea it could just be a fic but it doesn't feel the same. #man. Im tired. hope today treated yall well #also I saw a small wild snake in my room and when I went to get the broom so I could sweep it out it was gone so. not good.

[warmau]

☆ [nostalgic] summer romance!au ten another late birthday au (again) but hey ten time :3 find others here: johnny | haechan | taeil | taeyong | mark | jaemin | yangyang | yuta | sicheng | chenle | kun | yukhei | doyoung | jaehyun | jungwoo

not knowing what to say isn't a foreign feeling to you, yet when you come face to face with ten outside his apartment on this summer morning, you are almost too petrified to even string a sentence together

he's really just........leaving

ten shines a big smile and from the open door you hear kun's exasperated voice asking why in the world ten is packing up his entire existence for a program that's going to last two months

"you look nervous"

ten jokes first, running a hand through his dark hair which he's spent the colder months growing out

"im the one going to a different country and yet you look like you might turn green"

his laughter tickles you and you force yourself out of the weird, frozen feeling, for his sake

"im not nervous - it's just this is our first summer apart since what, highschool?"

ten leans against the frame of his door and lets kun scuttle past him with a scowl

yangyang and hendery bounce after him with ten's insane amount of luggage

"yeah but it's two months, not two decades. plus....you know how much ive always wanted to do this."

right. and here you are being selfish.

"of course, i mean it's literally the birthplace of ballet."

"technically that's italy, but france is a close second."

"i hate you"

ten pulls you into his arms before you register that this is your goodbye hug

"i'll miss you too."

kun drives everyone to the airport, he complains and cries the most.

sicheng gives you a knowing look when ten takes your wrist in his hand and tucks your arm between his.

you ignore the look, and focus on ten. on him. and then - when the switchboard pops up his flight info - he gives a bubbly and excited

"ive gotta go!"

and then summer starts, just as he's gone

"so when are you going to tell him you're in love with him."

sicheng brings the big gulp he stole from hendery up to his lips and you keep your eyes closed behind your sunglasses

"sorry, yukhei's not my type."

"you know im not talking about yukhei."

you dig your fingers into the sand beside your towel, the beach is already so noisy so you pretend you don't hear sicheng, but you still feel him looking.

you guess a part of it is true, you love ten. who doesn't?

is that the core of the issue then, that ten is so available and loveable and charming, that it makes him also unattainable?

or at least, unattainable to you.

you hear your phone buzz inside your bag and sicheng is being dragged into the water by the rowdy rest of your friend group

it could be a text from ten?

your mind excites, but you put out that fire

it's probably just spam.

ten does text and even video call the first two or so weeks while he's away

you get blurry photos of food at cafes and the eiffel tower, random fancy looking dogs being walked on the small, cramped streets

ten's connection is kind of bad - but he still gleams through the fuzzy facetime camera as he shows you around the room the dance academy has provided

pangs of his happiness and excitement seep into you

and then there's the first sign of worry comes knocking and twirling through his door

a group of other dancers, all beautiful and strong, asking ten - from the limited amount of french you catch - if he's done, they're waiting for him to go to a show with them

ten gives you a scattered, quick goodbye. he says he'll video call again.

all you get is an update text almost five days later that has no pictures attached just a;

im ok - by the way i totally miss eating hot chips with you at midnight. ive had like a banana smoothie and that's it.

sicheng and kun are the first to pick up on the shift, you are quietly withdrawing to yourself

nothing makes you laugh

ten doesn't reply to your question about what the paris metro looks like, actually he doesn't even read it

kun nearly tugs hendery's ear red when he shares a snap story of ten pressed cheek to cheek with his new dancer friends in front of the louvre when you're in the same room

the thing is you are not jealous of any of them.

you don't go around trying to find their facebooks, clicking on their instagram profiles, comparing you and them.

you are just sad to your bones that they will understand ten in such a way that no matter how long you two have been friends

you will never, truly know

"you're his best friend"

sicheng reasons on the phone as you stare up at the wall above your desk, littered in old pictures and clippings and your gaze catches on the ticket stub from ten's first-ever solo dance performance

it had been a talent show in highschool.

it had been the first time you saw ten perform outside the corner of his cramped bedroom or the glimpse you caught meeting up with him outside the dance academy

he's in paris, he's with people who love it so much more than i do - they love dancing like he loves dancing.

i cannot understand that.

"i think you were right sicheng."

"im always right."

i do love him. when am i going to tell him?

you hang up after sicheng has his i told you so moment and stare at your screen

a notification flashes across the screen and it's a text from ten

the trains here are blue. i miss you.

you want to reply right away, so you open the message and start typing

i miss you too. actually, i think i finally understand why people who are in love are so hurt when they're suddenly left without their other half and ten you are my o-

you delete the sentence and make a face

nice. i miss you too.

you don't send it - or at least you forget to because your fingers are shaking and you exit out of the messaging app before checking

abandoning your phone, you turn on your side and stretch your hand out to reach the edge of the bed

there's enough space between you and it for someone to fit, so you remember the countless times ten has laid there

smiling and laughing and tickling your face with his sleeping breath

you can't even recall a conversation because there have been hundreds

suddenly you feel a warmth creep up your skin

hundreds of opportunities to tell him - and each time i chose to be a coward.

"you should write him a letter."

"this isn't a movie, what - you think im going to write a letter and he'll jump on the first plane from france to come to my side?"

sicheng cocks an eyebrow as if to say it is a possibility

"no. im not writing a letter. i'll suck it up and confess when he comes back."

you somehow end up writing a letter.

maybe because you really do want to just send a long text spilling your mushy, soft, pink feelings

but you know that's just not what ten deserves

he deserves (and you do too, but you won't admit this) a face to face confession

so you start retelling the moments that flutter up in your heart whenever you think about him

how he makes the room brighter when he's in it, how he dances with every bone, joint, muscle in his body - how he approaches it with no inhibition and true devotion that paints its way across his face when he practices, how he fits perfectly into the hole that grows more massive every day you don't see him

standing there across the hall - coffee in hand, gym bag with his scuffed dance shoes

by the time you're finished - the letter is longer than you imagine. there are parts crossed and scribbled out, repetitive thoughts, and stupid little comments and metaphors that compare ten to flowers or clouds or anything else pretty in nature

you cringe at yourself, but you do feel better

it could be your outline for when the time to actually tell him comes.

you shove the papers into an envelope, write ten's name and the address of his parisian dance academy just for the irony

and then make the mistake of letting it sit on your desk

in a matter of days, it has been swallowed by a bunch of other papers and trinkets

and when you're rushing around your room trying to get ready for another adventure to the beach - sicheng clinks the lollipop against his teeth and fishes it out - curious at the stamp

"do you want me to mail this?"

he asks and you're trying to find those sunglasses you literally just bought and grumble that sure, whatever - you'll meet him out by kun's car.

halfway to the beach, you turn in horror from the passenger seat to look at sicheng in the back

your eyes like saucers and a tremor in a voice

"wait. what did you ask me back in my room?"

sicheng's big smile is red from the candy, "your letter to ten."

and there comes the second pang of dread and worry that takes the overwhelming shape of your summer

oh my god - oh my god - maybe the letter won't even make it. i mean it's a letter to france....it'll take at least a month to get there. wait - it probably didn't even have a stamp on it. oh god maybe the address was totally off and some poor stranger is about to be subjected to my very incoherent feelings.....

every day you look at your phone and there's no texts or emails or anything from ten

his social media has gone quiet too

you throw your dignity down a well and ask all your friends if they've heard from him and they all scratch their heads and say no, it's been maybe a week since they did

your stress then turns from your love letter to a possibility that ten is in trouble

he kind of thrives from attention so it is very weird that he's so off-grid

you decide finally, on the day that it's been exactly a month and one day since he was gone, to call

you hover over the facetime button - should i text him first?

with a yelp, you nearly drop and crack your screen when ten's name flashes across the screen

you settle your breathing and tell yourself he hasn't gotten the letter, there's no way - since when has snail mail been efficient?

you answer and are about to ask what's up when ten waves something into the camera

"i got your letter."

maybe you go into rigor. because ten's eyebrows knit and he asks if your connection is ok, you aren't saying anything

you don't know if it's just because you miss him so much that you're able to drag yourself back into consciousness or because you are curious, in the depths of your mind, what his reaction will be

"o-oh. right- i-"

ten frowns and you think it's coming. the rejection is coming.

"is that why you didn't answer my text? you sent the letter instead?"

"your text?"

"yeah, i said i missed you and you read it and never responded."

a peek of a smile stretches on his pretty, bare face

"i never thought you were so romantic to send a letter."

something burns on your skin but you just try to make sure your hand holding the phone doesn't shake

"im not - i just, it was dumb sicheng said i should write it because - i don't know. he's the romantic, blame him."

"you're the one that said i could make a shy tulip open its petals with my laughter."

"oh god"

that smile turns into a grin

"and that my dancing manages to cast a spell on you."

you hide your expression by turning your face

"are you going to re-read the whole thing to me?"

"should i, you're so poetic."

"don't make fun of me."

your voice is serious this time, small and huddled, because you mean it

worse than being told he doesn't feel the same is to be ridiculed for holding him in your heart like this for so long

"im not making fun of you, the letter is beautiful."

you still can't look at him, it's so ten to be kind before he's cruel

"i could never write something like that - so i thought i would just call you and say it."

you don't need to love song yourself into telling me you just see me as a friend

"i love you."

your head whips back so fast your phone drops and you curse and ten can't help but laugh

"sorry, sorry -what did you say?"

he runs a hand through his dark hair, the lighting in his room is dim and illuminates him perfectly

a large white t-shirt engulfs his slender shoulders as he sits up against the wall

"i love you. i know it's corny to confess over facetime, but im guessing it's more forgivable than text?"

a bubble bursts in your stomach and it makes you feel lightheaded and inhumanely blissful all at once

"i love you too."

"more then friends right, because your letter had this part about kissing im very interested in."

you bite back your lip and nod, both embarrassed that he'd bring that part up too but also seeing ten - your close friend, your secret love - talk about kissing you

makes some of the neurons in your body go haywire

"good, i seriously was scared you might have been pranking me with thi-"

"i would never. im not hendery."

"oh how are they, ive been super busy with the practice for a review so i haven't talked to anyone."

another thing you love about him, he keeps everyone in. he leaves none of his friends behind. he pretends like he couldn't have a care in the world, but he cares more than anyone else.

"he's ok, he almost crashed kun's car yesterday."

ten shrugs, "expected."

and like that - everything is still somehow the same. there is no awkward phase after you've talked about your feelings for each other at all.

because your love doesn't come as a one hit punch because ten is beautiful, although he is to an unfair degree

it comes from the experience of being around him. having so much of him. maybe even getting a little addicted.

you do talk more on the phone, no more long pauses even though ten's practices get more grueling and you tell him to take his time to rest

but he's sweaty on the practice room floor - texting you - telling you everything is sore but the thought of seeing you soon makes it all better

it's three days before ten is scheduled to fly back that he has his review and you are biting your fingernails waiting for him to tell you about it

when you get a youtube link at like three in the morning - you click it and someone has recorded ten's performance

somehow, he looks more graceful than you've ever seen him

a new text comes in when it's almost done

'i think i did well - can i get a reward?'

'you'll get a really good one when you're home'

he sends a winking emoji and you can't fall asleep after because you wonder what he's expecting, you'd meant a kiss - had he meant more?

you wouldn't mind that at all.

xiaojun is being pulled away from the conveyer belt by kun and hendery is asking sicheng for a sip of his starbucks as you all wait for ten's plane to land in the airport lobby

you two have not told anyone - mostly because you know there will be endless questions you won't have answers too and sicheng might literally never let you live it down

so you wait for ten to be here so you can suffer together

you see the gates from his flight open and sicheng mutters that you look like you're going to pop like a goddamn balloon

for once in your life, you don't snide back at him, folding your hands in front of you and tippy-toeing to see over the crowd

and then, like seeing him for the first time all the years ago when you first met, ten comes out

hendery and xiaojun try to go for a running jump, but the older members hold them back because everyone can sense whats coming

you dash toward him and ten doesn't stay still either - you two collide so hard it almost hurts, but you don't care at all

ten's duffel bag falls over his shoulder and your hands are wrapped around his neck before he can even say your name

it's a first kiss that couldn't be more characteristically fit for you

sweet, big smiles tasted on lips, and interrupted by none other than your group of friends gasping in a symphony of shock

except for sicheng - he knew

ten tastes like you imagine he would taste, maybe because in smaller ways you've already had doses of the sunshine that radiates off him before

he keeps his hands wrapped around your waist as he looks down into your eyes

"mon amour"

"is that really all you learned in france?"

"ummm yeah, i don't know how to say let's get out of here and back to my place even though im pretty sure someone said that to me at some point."

you pout, "don't try to make me jealous."

"never!"

ten chuckles as you press your face into his neck and hug him close

the only way you get pulled apart is because someone (kun) reminds you all you're still at the PUBLIC airport

the drive back is a frenzy and everyone wants to know everything and not about just you two - because you're "two" now - but about france and traveling and ten's dancing

like you'd sensed - nothing has really changed

just this time, your fingers are locked in tens. and the warmth you longed for in silence is suddenly all out in the open.

funnily enough, you and ten don't ever write letters to each other again.

ten just doesn't like writing - it takes too much sitting down

and you are horrified everytime he fishes your love confession out of the memory box and dangles it above your head as leverage

it's how he convinced you into adopting the first cat. now you two have three.

so when you and him are deciding the best way to let all your friends know about your upcoming event you cross out mailed invitations

"we can make an email list."

your legs are thrown over his thighs on the sofa and he's resting the laptop on you them

"let's just make an instagram post: wedding in our backyard on thursday - you're invited."

ten pinches his nose

"we are not having a backyard wedding. we could not fit everyone in my dance company into it anyway."

you play with your engagement band and sigh

"fine, fine. what about.....we just call everyone and tell them. if we call kun right now he'll let all of the world know by the end of the week."

ten agrees with a hum, but then starts typing and you lean over to see

"bulk wedding invites? you're giving in?"

he closes the laptop and tosses it to the side, easily and gently pushing you down onto your back to hover over you with a small content sound

"i am. but we don't even have to write the letters - some company will do it for us."

his lips are inches from yours and all of a sudden you're young again - waiting to kiss him for the first time at that airport

"you know we'll still have to write vows right."

he is about to kiss you, he's so close and your eyes are closing

"i'll just read your letter outl-"

"TEN NO!"

he laughs, laughs until he finally does kiss you and then laughs again when he pulls back - the overflowing amount of love that exists in that moment is potent

you tell him to get over that old thing, but he shakes his head

"never, when again in all the lives i live is someone going to say i could make a shy tulip open its petals with my laughter?"

#i know his bday was in february please im still working through them cries #ten au #ten imagines #ten scenarios #nct au #nct imagines #nct scenarios #wayv imagines #wayv au #wayv scenarios #sfw #nostolgic!au #ten #member: ten #im sicheng through all this

[jadelynlace]

Ink Drinker / Modern Vikings AU [Ivar x F!Reader], Chapter 6

catch up here!

synopsis: Ivar was only meant to be a friend with benefits, but he caught feelings for his older brother’s best friend, and co-worker: you.

pairing: Ivar x F!Reader

***content warning [PLEASE READ]: this chapter has the after effect of the trauma call, and too many emotions. surgical mentions and medical terminology are in this chapter as well. anything in italics indicates a flash back.

author’s note: I’m so sorry.

 ~

“Floki, why can I be left alone?” Ivar asked.

“Because the last time you were left alone you ended up with fifty thousand milligrams of pain killers in your stomach. Now, come here—do you know this?” Floki replied with his fingers taping the photo copied image.

“I drew that.” Ivar said back.

“Yes, you did. Where do you want it?”

“What do you mean?” 

“You hate your body so much why don’t you cover it in something you like?” 

*

It is sixteen hours that Ivar is in surgery. His world is dark, nothing but, with pierces of noises that he can recall. But trying to decipher them only makes the surroundings dull, caked in black and muffled with a buzz of an unruly bee hive. There are pokes of pain, he remembers the green light, and he remembers the pot hole he swerved to miss. He doesn’t remember how fast he was driving and the second he was over the yellow line made no difference for the sudden beast of a truck to find him. 

Everything below Ivar’s powdered knee caps are reattached. Grueling hours on the table while he’s sewed back together like a monster. Enough time for Hvitserk to get clothes, to get you clothes, to pack a bag for his brother per your request. Even in the presence of clean laundry you can’t take your blues off yet—they’re holding you proper because you just saw Ivar that morning. You two made love in the low morning light, filled with ecstasy, his seed and then he made you eggs with extra hot sauce and hugged you tightly you were sure you stopped breathing. He told you to be safe, baby, like he did at the dawn of each shift and that he would call you when his last appointment was finished, and on his way back from shopping for supplies for the parlor and that you two would make lunch plans. In his speed, his haste to make sure he didn’t miss you before the two tone song of death would sing in the radios, he instead, became the reason it did.  

Your chief shows up when you tell him the nature of the emergency. Pulling additional personnel on for overtime and they take the rig out of service and from your hands. Words don’t spare any differences and although he offers you a hug, when you take it he slips you a piece of paper. 

“Remember the job you’re doing. And the change you’re making.” He whispers in your ear and you look at the folded sheet. It’s a photocopy of a poorly drawn fire truck with an even worse sketched stick figure, and you had scribbled it when you were five. Back when you met chief for the first time because now you hold the same badge number your father once did. 

“If I give you your Dad’s old badge number, are you going to act like a jack ass like him?”

“I can’t make any promises chief.”

“I have a partner in mind for you, you’ll like him. He’s a good kid. A good medic.”

“This good kid got a name?”

“Yeah, Hvitserk. I’ll introduce the two of you.”

This is the call that shapes you as a medic, as a provider, and changes how you see things. This is the call that sends a new person out into the street, whether Ivar lives or not. This is the call that forever holds terror in your heart because he was laying in the back of your ambulance, and that was the one spot you never wanted him to occupy. 

Aslaug walks through the doors and she’s already two tissues deep into a soggy mess. Hugging Hvitserk and hugging you and you wish you were meeting this woman for the first time under any other circumstance. Floki thanks you and you don’t quite know why, even though the words fall heavily and un-calming, he still thanks you. And when the surgeon returns before the four of you, you’re the only one that doesn’t stand. But he calls your name because you know him, he was lab staff that tested you for your certifications and he told you that you’ll make a damn good medic one day. 

“Remember what I said on the day of your exam?” He asks and you nod, puzzled and impatient looks on the other faces. “You are a damn good medic—you both are.” He adds, eyes jumping from yours to your partners. “And it shows on this call, of all of them.” Hvitserk’s shoulder nudges you and you only nudge him back, perhaps little too hard in your delirious state. “Essentially what we did, was replant the lower portion of each leg. Now, given the extent of his injuries and how his body handles such, I don’t have a clear cut answer for you on his overall mobility. He may need to have screws implanted, he may need prosthetics. He’s going to be in the ICU for the next 48 hours for constant monitoring. We’ll have him sedated so his body can focus on what’s at stake. He’ll need physical therapy for a long time, and he’ll likely be disabled for the rest of his life, given again, how his body handles this. It’ll be a long road. But, like I said—you two are damn good medics and that is the one reason his legs were able to be saved. I will let you know when he’s moved to the ICU.”

You look back at your partner and his face is as blank as yours; influx of emotions just ready to dive from the void but your minds are still churning, still processing all of what boomed from the doctor’s mouth. Ivar’s chance at returning to a normal life was resting in your hands and you two gave the best damn efforts and they worked. The countless hours of dissection, wondering if you’re cut out for this career, these responsibilities, hours of trauma and blood and vomit all fizzle away because you now know that you are. And it just took Ivar to prove it.

When your eyes open again there’s a sharp pierce in your temple, scrunching eyes together and slowly moving, your head rises from Floki’s shoulder and the lights in the ICU have dimmed in the late hour. Impressions stood between his nostrils, falling like petals over his cheekbones, bleeding through split brows and pink flowers through the depths of his neck. His chest sinking and fainting with time, there was a moment of deafening silence when you are looking at his body; seemingly so small under the contraptions. The depths of earth, and the worst hell was seeing him lay on this cot. He’s only sedated now, even though Ivar looked of death, he was still alive under the harvest of wires. The words of how “we’re doing all that we can” do not bring any more comfort, they just take Ivar like a wave rapidly back out to sea. And now you understand how your patients, and their families feel when you speak the same phrases to them. The clinical assessments do not stop a rigorous schedule, motoring for the possible failure. The room is kept warm, and every so often when you will yourself to peek in, you can see the sheen of sweat that’s over Ivar’s forehead, dancing across his chest under the stickers, the monitors. The capillary refill on his toes show promise, and when the nurse says that to her doctor, you find yourself attempting the same motions on your thumb nail. Pressing the pink away and making room for the white, and then in a quick release, the pink swarms back. The ultra sound machines reminds you of the new equipment in your rig as it assess arterial blood flow every hour.

IV bags drip, slow and agonize and the change of wrappings, dressings and cleaning of both the limbs and Ivar himself collect. You spend hours watching the fluid levels sink, his eyes flutter, his fingers in his hand dance and you grow cold because you just want to hold him. To lock him in a steel tower and to constantly remind him how strong he is, because you know the longest road will not come from learning to walk. It will come from Ivar trying to find that he is worthy to live on.

Blackness had retired across your cheeks, wrapping a veil of makeup that melted into battle scars and you could not move if your body depended on it. Aslaug sits next to you; she takes her time wiping the makeup off from under your eyes, the soiled mascara and she’s humming to you. She had been telling you how when Ivar was young, she would sing to him and it would calm him down. How she sang to him in the hospital after he tried to overdose, tubes pumping his stomach as she blamed herself for such wrong doing. How Hvitserk blamed himself because he gave no one a warning cry. And how she’s singing to Ivar now, even though he can’t hear it, because it comforts the three of you as a whole. 

When your eyes follow the nurse into the room, you can hear her say something to Ivar and you watch his head turn in confusion. Grogginess and a fog on his brain as she talks to him like it’s a normal conversation; wishing him a good morning, how the weather looks promising for a beautiful day and you wish you had that level of bed side manner. You never get the promising parts of the journey; you get the patients that are coding and in a rush to the life saving team in the hospital. You love the ones who tell you their entire live’s story in the back of the rig on the way to the emergency room, sharing details and calming your mind with how simple, and yet how different every walk of life is. The nurse says something about you, about Hvitserk and Aslaug and Floki, out and waiting and ready to see him when he’s fit. You wave through the glass and there’s the tease of a smirk on Ivar’s face, even in his slightly sedated state. A dastardly, bastard smirk and his hand lifts off the bed slightly, wiggling his fingers back to you. The tears start up again, pounding a sledge hammer through your skull after all of the unruly pressure and messes of crying as your body tries to go numb.

“Where’s my mom?” You hear Ivar say in a voice that muted slightly as the nurse stands in the door way to exit. “Can I see my mom?” And the nurse nods. Aslaug stands and kisses your hair line as she walks into the vicinity, Ivar watching her and you need to back up, you need to walk away from the room, this hall way and this battle. A faint wheeze goes through your chest and Floki catches it first before Hvitserk has a chance to lift his head and open his eyes.

“Let’s walk, dear,” Floki says and his voice is not authoritative but it still demands you to comply as he loops an arm around your shoulder. “Walking can help to clear the mind.” It’s your first time outside in almost three days, and the sunlight burns you like you had been its victim on a sand covered shoreline for one too many hours. The hospital grounds are manicured, they’re neat and arranged with an abundance of flowers and colors in the open air but everything to you still feels so dull and lifeless, pointless and hopeless and walking only churns your thoughts to double, triple in size like a snow ball rolling down a hill. 

You’re finally allowed in to see Ivar and you approach slowly, like touching him will seer you suddenly, stain you with a unremovable pattern and you’ll forever be reminded. His blue eyes are dull and groggy when they open, the nasal cannula wrapping his face and your eyes dance over the scurf collecting on his jaw, and the faint bruising, cuts and scrapes on his skin.

“Hey baby,” His voice rasps and you kneel by the bed, tears already on their journeys to streak your tried skin and Ivar’s needle poked, IV covered arm comes to wipe what he can reach. “You were there, weren’t you?” And you can only nod, eyes still damp and you relish in the touch he gives you only if it’s for a second. “You saved my life, baby,” Ivar finally adds and that makes the whimper start again, the choke of a sob in your throat and he tries to quiet you, slithering a quick noise from his lips and you rest your head against the bed, his hand still on your hair. 

“I drove the ambulance over a hundred miles an hour,” You finally say and they’re the first words you can use to process the trauma you two had lived through together.

“That’s my girl,” Ivar smiles, speaking with a voice that sounds like sandpaper.

“I love you Ivar—no matter what happens, I love you so much,”

“I love you too, Y/N,” Ivar says and his voice is weaker now and he needs rest. “Kiss me before you go?” He says with eyes scanning your face, and you can’t deny that now. Pressing your lips softly against his, your hands cupping his cheek and you hope it’s not the last kiss you’ll ever get from him. “I’m not going anywhere, baby,” Ivar tells you. “I’m afraid. But I’m not going anywhere,” You nod as he speaks, a forehead against his for a second and his hand is still trying to reach on you where he can. This is the man that would pull the tubes and the wires from his chest if he could, if that would make him get closer to you. “You’re stuck with me,” And there’s a faint snicker after his words, weak and drowned out from the normal tone but you’ll take it after not hearing his voice for three days.

“I’m stuck with you,” You say back with a small smile. But it still doesn’t bring enough hope.

Ink Drinker Tags:

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#modern vikings #vikings ivar #vikings #vikings fanfiction #modern vikings fanfiction #modern vikings au #modern vikings writing #vikings au #ivar the boneless #ivar fiction #modern ivar lothbrok #ivar lothbrok x reader #ivar lothbrok smut #ivar #ivar ragnarason #ivar ragnarsson x reader #modern ivar ragnarsson #vikings hvitserk #modern hvitserk ragnarsson #— i am i am i am. ( my writings & creations ) #— hands so bloody tastes like honey. ( ink drinker vibes ) #alex høgh andersen #ivar ragnarsson #ivar lothbrok #ivar au #vikings floki #modern floki #floki the boat builder #floki