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batri-jopa · 1 year

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I'm digging through my drafts lately so now the time has come to speak about movies that are like milestones for me:

Collateral (2004) dir.Michael Mann

I watched it for the first time in June 2021 and it became my hyperfixation, something I've been obsessed so much that... well, I literally LIVED that movie for about 4 months and I consider it changed my life's goals' perception❤️‍🔥 I've been reading all possible reviews, comments, interpretative theories... I wanted to wrote my own review and interpretation of the film.

(Just for those freaking abt actors: ppl who hate movies with Tom Cruise in it - usually make exception for the Collateral - and if THAT'S not convincing to you I don't know what is!)

Who would have guessed that the story about heartless hitman interacting with that poor random taxi driver has a potential to change a live perspective of a 35 years old person? Vincent is so inhumane I'm not even sure he deserves to be called a "character" (not more than a killer-cyborg probably) and what he says to Max about his attitude toward the world and his life and his dreams is so provocative and cruel but... it's all so freaking true. You are over 30 already and the time to act and to change your life and to fulfill your dreams is NOW! Now or never! *

Not to mention every next victim feels like another lesson in personal developement of Max (or any viewer sympathising with him), just like those lessons given to Scrooge by ghosts in A Christmas Carol. Yes, there are five of them instead of three but it's like the first case is: "wake up!" - the next: "this happens for Real!" - then "and there's nearly nothing you can do about it..." - and "...but you got to try anyway..." - followed by: "...because it's all about you right from the start!"

(One night you may need to turn your whole life upside down)

And I know some people see the last case as lame, cliche, unbelieveble, predictible or whatever - but jeez, ppl, that's how it works in a theater play! Of course it could have been predicted and so what?! It's the story about Max's character and in my opinion: that when he gets to know about his key role in all this - in a way similar to Bastian in The Neverending Story.

And I dare to say at this point it is not about any "love" or any such thing (here, take my AroAce filter): it's about a dream, that still is to be fulfilled, about a life, that could have been, about the right to be yourself and freedom to choose your way. About an urge to fight for something so important that you simply can't turn away from it anymore. About a need to defend something that feel so close and dear to you like it's your core, like it's yourself - like it was all about your life from the very beggining!

(And what if: maybe it all would never had happened if not for Max symbolic giving away his dream "island"?🤔)

I love how the provocative speech of Vincent to Max and all the uneasy questions he gives to him are meant to get him out of his comfort zone: your job is to take the client from point A to B, never before have you cared what they gonna do there, maybe all of them where going to kill or hurt somebody, so why did you not care about it ever before? Why would you care about it now? What the difference if the bad thing is happening close to you or far away from you? What's the difference if you do or do not know about it? And what actually changed in your case now - anything other than that now you know? In all this you are irrelevant, COLLATERAL, you are only a fucking meaningless, powerless cab driver! Look at you, you're not even the one to decide your own route! And if you decided to only always do your job without the second thought - then why don't you just do your fucking job right now?!

And then it's like: you can run from your problems and avoid hard decisions for just so long - there's literally no more place left to run and hide, and you got to face your greatest fear... To save a life.

Not your life though.

You'll be reminded it's NOT about you. That it's not your business. So you can simply step back and live. Just keep on being nobody, not having anything to say, not having any power over bad things happening around you. You'll be reminded that you're weak and you can keep the safe distance and remain comfortably numb just as you always used to be...

You could remain COLLATERAL

Only would you be able to live with knowing you haven't even tried?

As much as I hate guns IRL - I loved to learn about the "mozambique drill" (some fans probably breaking new record of rewatching "yo, hommies" scene over and over again) and reading other viewers' interpretations of what actually happen in the final shooting... and of why he could not or would not reload... (as a neurologist I'd vote it's bc of his brachial plexus) and finally thinking about the spontaneous act of previously non-spontanous character - winning over cold routine of the one always talking about "adapting to enviroment"... Like Max've won over him by actually learning his lessons!

This movie is filled with symbols and allegories. Starting with the silver gray Vincent: I like to compare him to a heartless cyborg T1000 from Terminator 2: The Judgement Day, or see him as an angel of death, or even - as mirror giving a dark reflection, like an evil alter-ego of the main character! (there's the allusion of policemen that a taxi driver might get rampage and kill ppl around the town - followed by Max's mother asking "Who?" like not noticing Vincent - to the point Max actually "acts" Vincent - all these priceless little hints that Vincent might not even exist in a first place...)

My own favorite interpretation is that Vincent is personification of a coyote - the spirit animal meant to teach you life lessons that are many times very uneasy but really rewarding

(And don't listen to director talking about Vincent, it seems to me that Michael Mann did not himself get any deeper meaning of this guy at all!😑 Like treating his past history seriously? Oh please, have mercy...🙄 Vincent's power derives from the fact he's so perfectly inhumane he barely touches the earth! Or at least he's the perfectly neutral transparent everyman... who's empty of emotions. And you can treat as a symbol of anything you want!😋)

The story takes place in the middle of the night - with the broad streets of the great town being almost empty - and it's such an unusual view it gives an almost dreamlike mood. Perfect time and place for a life-changing story about changing your life.

All in all this story is so brilliant someone definitely should have made a movie about it!

😆

PS. And I love the soundtrack.

_______

* What I mean by changing the life perspective: I can imagine it does not feel like this for everyone, if you have a partner, kids, a family - you may not have any thoughts like this. But I speak as a single person who was spending a lot time at work, many times for many years... Way too many times working much more than my married workmates were. I've been constantly staying later or replacing someone - because I could, because of not having children, because of not being in a hurry... Well, I guess everyone presumed I probably was not having any life on my own anyway, right? So I could and should always be the one to sacrifice and set prorities of others over mine... I've been told for all my life what I should be doing, what I must not be doing and so I tried all my life to live due to these expectations simply hoping to be resepected accepted. And still I feel like I never managed the higher level of acceptance just because I'm different, my interests are different, the way I'm spending my free time is different, I feel and think differently - so yeah, it's not even worth to ask me about my feelings or interests anymore, or to ask me to go out together, rather keep on looking down at me and treat me like a dumb kid... And so I gradually learned that no matter my struggle I always will be treated differently by that "heteronormative majority" of couples and families with kids...

And then came the COLLATERAL like katharsis, set my emotions free and gave me the sudden realisation: it's the fine time to think about myself! To quit living due to expectation of others, supressing what I love to do for so long, pushing all my creative passion for the forever "maybe later". Only because everyone tells me it's not the right time for that... So when the "righter" time will be?!

"Someday? Someday my dream will come? One night you will wake up and discover it never happened. It's all turned around on you. It never will. Suddenly you are old. Didn't happen, and it never will, because you were never going to do it anyway. You'll push it into memory and then zone out in your barco lounger, being hypnotized by daytime TV for the rest of your life."

Vincent, Collateral (2004)

#I'm serious about a movie should be made about it #I'd see it as a fantasy road movie with a mission and some magic and with a dragon...#fantasy version Collateral AU😆#collateral #collateral 2004 #michael mann #vincent collateral #max Collateral #(finally no mentioning ATWD!)#(though I could have said I hate guns while loving Collateral just as much as I hate cigarettes while loving ATWD😉)#tom cruise #jamie foxx #digging through my drafts #cinemaniac off the leash #movie recommendation

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authorpocketcow · 2 years

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Okay, I have another thing - joining many many others and likely not the last - to say about the Amber Turd vs Johnny Depp case and the allegations she made against him, and her so-called "proof". This one is a personal anecdote. I broke the cartilage in my nose when I was 8, on Valentine's Day of 2007. A classmate (who used to be a friend but we were fighting at the time) slipped on an ice patch in the sandbox during afternoon recess and fell on my back, and I smacked the bridge of my nose on the edge of the still-partially-frozen wooden frame of the sandbox (this was Canadian winter, everything was frozen). Any of my former classmates would probably remember this, because it was not at all hideable and I strongly resembled a raccoon for nearly a month, with a ton of bruising and two giant black eyes that only started to noticeably fade after no less than a week. It was incredibly painful, I bawled my eyes out, and surprisingly it didn't bleed when it broke, so the secretary just gave me ice for my nose, but I couldn't leave school yet since my mom was at work and it was nearly the end of the day anyway by the time I stopped freaking out and crying. Mom took me to the hospital that same day after she got out of work and the doctors confirmed that yes, my nose was in fact broken, and I would continue to resemble a raccoon for a while. It is 2022. It has been 15 years since this happened. You can STILL see where it happened if you look at the bridge of my nose, because my nose healed just a tiny bit crooked, and there's a little bump on both sides where the cartilage healed kinda funky. It's not obvious enough unless you know to look for it, but I've been told that it's one of those things that you can't "unsee" when looking at my face once you do know about it. It looked far more crooked around the time it was actively healing - my mom teased me by calling me Tom Cruise for a few months. If Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014) had come out, I would have far preferred to have been compared to Bucky Barnes in his Winter Soldier makeup, because that would have also been accurate, and I like Bucky Barnes far more than Tom Cruise. Anyway, my point is that there is absolutely NO way that Amber sustained a broken nose, whether it was the cartilage in her nose or some other nose-related injury or breakage, then never sought medical attention, and was able to hide it with makeup the next day. Not a chance in hell. I only broke the cartilage and wouldn’t have been able to hide it to save my life.

#amber turd #Amber Heard #Johnny Depp #johnny depp vs amber heard #amber turd is a liar #my post #nose tw #injury tw

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sohin-ace · 4 years

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Bucci gang hc with a female team member that's always tired and sleeping but has lightning fast reflexes? Like, she's always tired and sluggish but she always manages to survive and complete missions. Every. Single. Dang. Time.

Didn't write dialogue for Abba because his HC was so long already.

Bucci gang w/ a chronically tired S/O HC

Bucciarati

The least worried of the group, but still somewhat concerned.

He knew what you were capable of. He took you in after seeing the extent of your abilities. It didn't matter what the gang thought of you at first, they would eventually understand, was what he told you.

He's never seen someone so physically drained in his life and he'd love to believe that you may have a clinical condition that explains it.

Gets so frustrated when you don't listen to him during briefings and go to do your things on your own in missions.

It's so dangerous and he gets so scared. Even if you always succeed, sometimes without a single scratch, he still can't help but worry.

He stomps to you and when you think he's going to yell at you or slap you for being so reckless, he instead takes you in his arms, relieved.

"It's only a matter of time until something happens to you... God you scare me..."

Otherwise, he has no problems letting you lean onto him when you're feeling spent, or want to nap on him in the car.

Abbachio

Really? That was the new member Bucciarati trusted and brought in?

He was so pissed and frustrated whenever you laid halfway onto the table during meetings, or dozed off when someone reported for duty.

You were so lazy, undisciplined and churlish he couldn't stand it at times.

Some people, like him, worked their ASSES off to get to where they were, and you were just hunched over and drooling?

He was okay with a member feeling a bit sick or tired occasionally, especially if it was Bruno who overworked, but you were just too much!

He constantly slaps you to wake you up or get your attention and scolds you for it.

The way you handled the missions with such endeavour and skill was so contradictory to your usual slow attitude, he was so surprised.

To be honest he's terrified. How could someone be so two-faced?

But now he finally understood why you had been taken here by Bucciarati. You were indeed a valuable addition to the team, he had to recognize it.

It takes time for him to actually trust you and make sure you won't betray them, but he's still very admirative.

Giorno

He wouldn't show it but he was a bit worried. About the gang but mostly about you.

He guessed that you had some vitamin defficiency or anemia maybe? That would explain it, but he was no doctor.

He likes to believe that you're not just plain lazy and careless. If Bucciarati took you in, it was for a reason, he wanted to trust you.

And he was absolutely right.

He had been stuck, alone and in the verge of death on one dreadful mission. Nobody was there, and he couldn't call out for help.

He had used Golden Experience as a desperate last resort to call for one of the members, but he had no hope of anyone coming just in time to save him.

He was beyond shocked when, barely a few minutes after his call, you bursted through the place at lightspeed and took him away, not letting anyone even find you as you brought him to safety.

How did you come in so fast? Where were all the enemies? Did you... take them out all by yourself?

"Thank you, Y/N... I... I owe you my life..."

Otherwise, he puts a bunch of flowers and leaves on your hair when you nap.

Mista

He was pretty laid-back and lazy himself sometimes too. When he sees you chilling, sleeping, looking all jaded he just chuckles and join you in.

When you join the gang at first, he doesn't doubt that you could be a great spy, or a healer, maybe you could spot enemies like Narancia?

Surely he was NOT prepared for what kind of abilities you truly hid behind your tired and deviant facade.

The way you were fighting and the speed and clarity in your movements, he couldn't even catch everything with his two eyes.

The pistols had called for you, as Mista was in a dire situation and surely enough, you were there mere minutes after. He wondered if you had teleporting abilities or if your Stand gave you some kind of hyper speed. Turns out, you were just that fast.

You told him to hang in there and took his gun to finish off the enemies. Taking them one by one.

Your tone and the energy you had in your voice sent electricity down his spine. You were so... Different than what you has used him to.

You patch him up with expertise and he can't help but stare at you like you were a Godly revelation.

"Not gonna lie Y/N, that was kinda hot..."

Narancia

Pranks you all day. And I mean ALL DAY.

There's a recurring joke about how you're going to be the first one to die because of how lazy you are and how you're probably gonna fall asleep mid-fight.

Bucciarati does not like those jokes, at all.

Takes great pleasure in waking you up in the loudest and most obnoxious way possible just to see you flinch and panick.

"Giorno, put a centipede in Y/N's ear. Come on it's gonna be fun!"

How do you manage to sleep with him, Mista and Fugo fooling around next to you all the time, that was a grand mystery.

He brings you pizza, claiming 'you need vitamins'. Because everyone knows pizza have the perfect amounts of nutrients...

He's so impressed and admirative of you when you absolutely kill it during missions. It's like you're a completely different person, he doesn't recognize you.

He's your number 1 fanboy, please sign him an autograph because wow, you're so incredible he can't believe you're real.

It's incredibly funny how you immediately start to yawn and sleep in the car right after the Tom Cruise stunts you just pulled 5 minutes ago.

Fugo

He thinks you're just lazy and he doesn't feel comfortable with you here at first.

Like Abbachio, he wonders what went on Bucciarati's mind to even recruit somebody like you?

But at the same time he's very curious. Did you have some kind of strange disorder he's never heard of?

Every time he saw you, you were either sleeping, slumped over, or just plain out of it.

Are you doing this on purpose to mess with him or piss him off? Because if you are, it's working.

He forces coffee, orange juice, soda, anything down your throat to keep you awake and focused on missions, and when you refuse, he starts biting his nails.

"You better stay focused on this one I swear to God...!"

He's so scared and anxious you're gonna fuck it all up and get someone, or worse even, yourself killed just because you're a careless slug.

When he sees how operational and strong you were and how incredibly fast you acted during missions, his view on you does a complete 180.

In the end, your down-toned presence was very cooling for his angry soul, and he couldn't afford to lose you so stupidly and easily...

Trish

The first time she saw you she wasn't too surprised to see you napping and being a bit slow.

You were in the mafia after all, not necessarily the calmest and chillest occupation. It was okay to feel sleepy once in a while... Or all the time.

She even believed that you weren't just tired physically, but rather maybe you were tired of them.

And honestly? She relates.

But when one day on a mission you went from dragging your feet slowly like a drunkard to swiftly grabbing her, lifting her in your arms like she weighted nothing and running like a freaking cheetah a second after hearing gunshots, she was FLABBERGASTED.

First of all, WHAT? Second of all, HOW? She is so shaken and her eyes couldn't possibly get any wider. You went from 0 to 100 REAL FAST.

She's even wondering if that's really you holding her right now or if you have been possessed or something.

When you show her a characteristic tired smirk as you run, all her doubts are wiped and she's so charmed and impressed, you litterally and figuratively sweeped her off her feet.

"You... You're amazing Y/N..."

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phantomofthepairofdice · 3 years

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The Rosscars 2020

Wow. It’s that time of year again, only this time it’s different because it’s on a blog that no one will read! (hold for applause) Welcome to the first annual online publication for the Rosscars (hold for applause while the reader acknowledges how positively droll it is that I combined my name with “Oscars”). Who can forget such indelible Rosscar memories like when Steven Soderbergh surprised us all and won Best Director for Out of Sight or Bill Irwin’s beautiful speech upon winning Best Supporting Actor for Rachel Getting Married?! The Rosscars mean something different to everyone, but we all know that they mean quality choices made by a committee of one schmuck. This year’s Rosscars are bizarre because in an effort to be more like the Academy guidelines, film’s nominated have been released between January 1, 2020 and February 28, 2021. As usual, theatrical windows be damned, streamers are welcome. Of course, I have my gripes. I like categorizing movies by release year – specifically, when they become available to the plain old public like yours truly – not at festivals, limited runs in NYC and LA. Well, the Oscars are still weeks away and I feel like everybody wants to forget about last year and move onto this one that we’re already three months into - So here are my awards for the films, performers, and craftspeople that stood out in a pretty exceptional year for movies even though distribution was stranger than ever.

**A few caveats and guidelines to Rosscar newcomers (which I imagine is just a formality since we all know the Rosscars so well)**

The rules and categories are a little different around here. First, not every category is honored directly. That’s for a few reasons, chiefly that I don’t feel qualified to reward the technical categories properly – I suppose I should say that I feel less qualified to do so than the “above the line” categories. In keeping with the Academy standard, there are five nominees in each category, except for Best Picture, Best Non-Fiction/Documentary Feature, and Best Ensemble Cast which allow up to ten. Every category, save those three, will have the possibility of honorable mentions, because I want to highlight some things that just barely missed the cut. The narrowing down of a lot of these categories was awfully tough.

Nominees are listed alphabetically, and the winners are in bold and italics.

Also, it’s important to keep in mind that I couldn’t see everything (this isn’t a job and it’s still $20 to rent The Father, y’all) and that these are just the opinions of one (self-described) “bozo on the internet.” If you’re a reader and have different picks, feel free to share!

Special Commendations for some things that I want to recognize: • Ludwig Goransson for his Tenet score which is an absolute banger • The costumes of Emma. (Alexandra Byrne), Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom (Ann Roth), and Small Axe (Jaqueline Durran, Sinéad Kidao, and Lisa Duncan) all struck me as exceptional • Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross with their scores for both Soul and Mank. Crazy that Pixar is working with the guy who made “Closer” • The cinematography of Da 5 Bloods (Newton Thomas Sigel), First Cow (Christopher Blauvelt), Beanpole (Kseniya Sereda), and A White, White Day (Maria von Hausswolff)

The Rosscars red carpet was, as usual, a bizarre affair. People filed into the theater and it seemed like the only encounters were awkward ones. Vin Diesel showed up in character as Bloodshot, Aaron Sorkin started getting really verbose about what a lovely night it was, and it became clear that most of the celebrities in attendance didn’t read their invitations closely enough to realize that this was not, in fact, the Academy Awards.

Everyone’s seated, and the show is under way. After a medley about the nominees this year by Common and Seth McFarlane that was more corny but clever than it was funny, the first official category is here, and the presenter is none other than... Ross!

Best Supporting Actor:

1. Chadwick Boseman for Da 5 Bloods

2. Matthew Macfadyen for The Assistant

3. Jesse Plemmons for Judas and the Black Messiah

4. Paul Raci for Sound of Metal

5. Glynn Turman for Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom

Honorable Mentions:

• Lucas Hedges for Let Them All Talk

• Orion Lee for First Cow

• Bill Murray for On the Rocks

Best Supporting Actress:

1. Vanessa Bayer for Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar

2. Candice Bergen for Let Them All Talk

3. Gina Rodriguez for Kajillionaire

4. Amanda Seyfried for Mank

5. Yuon Yuh-jung for Minari

Honorable Mentions:

• Jane Adams for She Dies Tomorrow

• Charin Alvarez for Saint Frances

• Talia Ryder for Never Rarely Sometimes Always

• Debra Winger for Kajillionaire

Everyone loves a montage. The audience gets comfortable in their seats as the video screens start to show a montage of some of the most famous moments from Hollywood’s most magical movies. Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers waltz, gliding across a dance floor like two hovering angels. There’s a clip of Leo declaring himself king of the world in Titanic, the flying bicycles in ET, Bogart stares longingly into Bacall’s eyes, and then there’s some scene where Tom Cruise rides a motorcycle from 2010′s Knight and Day. The audience all seems confused how that last one got in there. The John Williams music swells as little Kevin McAllister screams when puts on aftershave. We see clips of Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver, Carrie Fisher’s Princess Leia embrace Harrison Ford’s Han Solo, Bruce Lee smoothly declares that boards don’t hit back and... wait... was that a clip from Michel Gondry’s Green Hornet with Seth Rogen? And that’s a clip from What Happens in Vegas... Bad Teacher... Vanilla Sky... Shrek 2... Any Given Sunday... Everyone is flummoxed. The last clip fades out and a sole editing credit appears: Cameron Diaz. The lights come up and there’s some applause, but mostly confused murmurs.

The ceremony has had a bit of a misstep, but nothing it can’t recover from, especially as the next category is announced over the PA, and it looks like the presenter is... Ross!

Best Ensemble Cast:

1. Bacurau

2. Da 5 Bloods

3. Kajillionaire

4. Let Them All Talk

5. Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom

6. Minari

7. Nomadland

8. Pieces of a Woman

9. Small Axe

Best Original Screenplay:

1. Danny Bilson and Paul Dameo & Spike Lee and Kevin Wilmott for Da 5 Bloods

2. Lee Isaac Chung for Minari

3. Brandon Cronenberg for Possessor

4. Sean Durkin for The Nest

5. Kleber Mendonça Filho and Juliano Dornelles for Bacurau

Honorable Mentions – a very difficult task to weed this down to five.

• Shaka King and Will Berson for Judas and the Black Messiah, from a story by Kenny and Keith Lucas

• Steve McQueen, Alastair Siddons, and Courttia Newland for Small Axe

• Kelly O'Sullivan for Saint Frances

• Thomas Vinterberg and Tobias Lindholm for Another Round

Best Actor:

1. Ben Affleck for The Way Back

2. Chadwick Boseman for Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom

3. Delroy Lindo for Da 5 Bloods

4. John Magaro for First Cow

5. Mads Mikkelsen for Another Round

Honorable Mentions:

• Riz Ahmed for Sound of Metal

• John Boyega for Small Axe

• Daniel Kaluuya for Judas and the Black Messiah

• Hugh Jackman for Bad Education

• Ingvar Eggert Sigurðsson for A White, White Day

We have a break in the action and it looks like Darius Rucker has showed up to perform what he would have nominated for Best Original Song. The crowd is absolutely furious as he starts playing a song that apparently was in Trial of the Chicago Seven. An ocean of sonorous boos and curses overtakes the the once docile crowd. The Rock just ripped his chair from out of the ground. Jane Lynch somehow smuggled in a civil war era flintlock pistol that she’s now pointing at the stage! Suddenly, the crowd unifies around what started as a confident chant of one lone audience member - John C Reilly. It’s growing... Ja Ja Ding Dong, Ja Ja Ding Dong, Ja Ja Ding Dong - it’s like the macabre circus performers from Tod Browning’s Freaks, but instead of chanting “Gooble Gobble” they’re clearly pining for Darius to change his tune to the silly and delightful jam from Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga. Darius, scared for his life, leaves the stage, but here come Will Ferrell and Rachel McAdams to deliver the goods. Busy Philips and Michelle Williams burst into tears. Tom Hanks nods in approval. A segment saved by brave artists placating a toxic group of fans... we’ve just witnessed a live version of the Snyder Cut, folks.

Jack Nicholson seems completely unfazed, giving a thumbs up to the camera and blowing a kiss to the next presenter. Coming to the stage is... Ross... again...

Best Actress:

1. Jessie Buckley for i’m thinking of ending things

2. Carrie Coon for The Nest

3. Han Ye-ri for Minari

4. Sidney Flanagan for Never Rarely Sometimes Always

5. Vasilisa Perelygina for Beanpole

Honorable Mentions – these cuts were especially painful

• Haley Bennet for Swallow

• Morfydd Clark for Saint Maud

• Frances McDormand for Nomadland

• Christin Milioti for Palm Springs

• Geraldine Viswanathan for Bad Education

Best Adapted Screenplay:

1. Charlie Kaufman for i'm thinking of ending things from Iain Reed's novel

2. Sarah Gubbins for Shirley from Susan Scarf Merrell's novel

3. Kelly Reichardt and John Raymond for First Cow

4. Simon Rich for American Pickle from his short story "Sell Out"

5. Mike Makowsky for Bad Education from Robert Kolker's "The Bad Superintendent"

Best Non-Fiction/Documentary Feature:

1. Boys State

2. Collective

3. David Byrne’s American Utopia

4. Dick Johnson is Dead

5. Feels Good Man

6. In & Of Itself

7. The Painter and the Thief

8. Time

Jimmy Fallon has come out on stage to do a bit about the pandemic and watching movies at home. People are just absolutely not having it. He tries not to laugh at his own jokes while doing what I guess is technically a pretty good impression of Dr. Fauci interviewing James Corden as Martin Scorsese (the less said of this impression, the better) on what is or isn’t cinema. The bit doesn’t track and Fallon is absolutely tanking. The producers cut away from the stage to spare the viewers at home from this monstrosity. We see crowd shots of Millie Bobby Brown shaking her head in dismay, Colin Firth is simultaneously grimacing and trying to stave off laughter, Cynthia Erivo is texting, and director Tom Hooper is taking notes for his next film. Corden yells, “Carpool Karaoke! Remember?!” Ron Howard has fainted. This thing is almost completely off the rails.

Coming back to the stage is the next presenter, a clearly embarrassed... Ross! He’s in a total flop sweat, but stumbles his way through a joke about how Fallon should try co-hosting the Oscars with James Franco sometime. There are scant chuckles throughout a crowd that mostly just wants to see who won and go home.

Best Director:

1. Christopher Nolan for Tenet

2. Spike Lee for Da 5 Bloods

3. Steve McQueen for Small Axe

4. Kelly Reichardt for First Cow

5. Chloé Zhao for Nomadland

Honorable Mentions:

• Kitty Green for The Assistant

• Eliza Hittman for Never Rarely Sometimes Always

• Charlie Kaufman for i'm thinking of ending things

• Thomas Vinterberg for Another Round

Best Picture

1. Bacurau

2. Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar

3. Da 5 Bloods

4. First Cow

5. i'm thinking of ending things

6. Judas and the Black Messiah

7. Never Rarely Sometimes Always

8. Nomadland

9. Small Axe

10. Tenet

Accepting the award for best picture is none other than Eve, the cow actor who played the titular First Cow! The audience is enamored with how graceful she looks in her cow gown, and her speech, though indecipherable, is likely simple, observational, and deeply profound for those who speak cow.

Wow, what a ceremony! Hearts were broken, property was damaged, dreams were fulfilled... blood was shed? Damn it, Meryl Streep came in and mugged Charlie Kaufman before absconding with the trophy. Oddly, she’s a previous winner, so the attack isn’t out of need for hardware. People are reading through articles about production on Adaptation for potential motives. Streep made time for a photo opportunity, but remains at large.

I could go on ad infinitum about all of these nominees and winners themselves and why they did or didn’t make the cut, but that’d be better served in a different piece. For now, my thoughts on most of these can be found on the Best of 2020 write-up and over on my Letterboxd. And, as always, these awards can be revoked and redistributed at will, so don’t get too cozy with that statue, Danny Bilson!

On behalf of the RAOGL (Rosscars Association of One Guy at a Laptop), thanks for reading, and stay tuned as we’re establishing a tip line for anyone has seen Ms. Streep or her stolen valor Rosscar. We’ll see you next year. Keep watching movies, and keep arbitrarily quantifying them in terms of subjective quality!

#awards #movies #film #Rosscars

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playboyi · 3 years

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1.0 Of Sarcasm

2010

Pepper Potts stood outside of the ONE and only Playboy Tony Stark's Malibu Mansion on the phone.

"Hi, Mr. Cruise, is it ok if I come to pick up Thomas for a little bit?"

"Sure, need him to save the world or something?" He joked.

Pepper nervously laughed. "Something like that."

She could hear a faint voice in the background asking if that was Pepper on the other end. "I'm close to Stark's house if you want me to drop him off."

Pepper cleared her throat and started pacing. "Yeah, that sounds good"

"Alright, I'll see you there."

"Bye." Pepper hung up the phone putting it back in her pocket shaking off her nervousness.

This can't be too dangerous? He can't get hurt ooh if he got hurt I would kill Tony. She thought to herself as the Cruises pulled up in front of the billionaire's house.

"Hi, Thomas." She smiled at the thirteen-year-old who got out of the car with his backpack that he took everywhere.

"Mr. Cruise." she nodded at the older man in the driver's seat.

"Miss Potts, good to see you." He smiled kindly.

"You too." She smiled back.

"Well, kid..I'll see you later." He waved to his son.

Thomas fixed his backpack straps on his shoulders. "Bye."

Thomas turned to Pepper hugging her, she hugged back as her heart almost exploded her happiness to see the young boy.

He pulled away from the hug to look up at her. "What is it now? The suit? Jarvis? The arc reactor? The cars?" He ranted with worry all over his face.

"Whoa slow down, it's the company." She smiled at his cute rambling.

"Oh..ok." He blushed embarrassed by his rambling.

"We need to go to the office to hack Obadiah's computer to see what he's up to." She motioned him to follow her as they walked to one of Tony's many cars.

"I'm guessing I'm hacking?" He asked her with his blue eyes filled with happiness, he loved to hack it was his second favorite thing to do, the first is hanging out with Pepper of course.

Thomas got in the backseat as Pepper got in the driver's seat. Thomas quickly put on his seatbelt.

"Yep." Pepper answered putting the keys in the engine.

He started laughing then it was uncontrollable laughing then it was a mad man laughing.

"What is it?" Pepper asked amused looking in the rearview mirror.

"Pep said yep." He laughed out.

She started to laugh at his laughter and then the joke. "Oh my god your too pure."

–·–·–·–·–·–·–·–·–·–

They pulled up to the building Pepper getting out of the car. "Ok, come Tommy." Pepper rushed as the thirteen year-old barely even made it out of the car.

"I'm coming," He spoke tripping over his untied shoelace almost falling on his face.

Thomas ran in front of Pepper opening the door for her. "Thank you, Sir," Pepper told him with a smile.

Thomas wiped his nose with his sleeve. "I don't do what Tony does."

She looked at him confused. "What does Tony do?" She asked as they make their way up the stairs.

"He says he opens the door for a girl so he can look at her butt."

Pepper rolled her eyes at Tony's inappropriate doings and the fact he told a kid this. "Of course he does."

"He told him I should do it, but I told him it's not respectful and that he should stop doing it." He smiled at her.

"Good job." She ruffled his hair.

They entered Obadiah's office and Thomas sat in the chair and started doing what he does best.

"Python27>python. exe test1.pyResponse Code: 403 <html> <head><title>403 Forbidden</h1>< center><HR><center>nginx</center></body></html." He mummbled as he hacked the compter for the password.

Pepper just looked at him shocked at what just came out of his mouth.

Thomas clicked on a file named Confidential Sector_004. It was full of shipping tickets of the Jericho missile.

The next file was Top _ Secret Sector _ 016, And It was full of blueprints of an iron suit.

"Sector 16? What are you up to, Obadiah?" Pepper questioned leaning down to get a better look.

Thomas opened another file Ultra _ Secret Sector _ 0XX.

"You did not tell us that the target you paid us to kill was the great Tony Stark. As you can see, Obadiah Stane..." A man in a Video told the camera the other men had guns pointed at a man with a bag on his head.

"Oh, my God," Pepper whispered.

"...your deception and lies will cost you dearly. The price to kill Tony Stark has just gone up." A man beside the man with a bag on his head removed the bag revealing it to be Tony Stark.

"Holy shit," Thomas mumbled, he quickly coped the files on to a drive.

Pepper glared at him and flicked the back of his head.

"So, what are we going to do about this? I know what you're going through, Pepper. Tony." Obadiah spoke standing by the door.

He walked over to a small table that had alcohol on it, he poured himself and Pepper a drink. Thomas moved a newspaper over the drive so he couldn't see it.

Thomas clicked the screen saver button as he made his way over to them.

Obadiah smelled the bottle of what it looks like whisky. "He always gets the good stuff, doesn't he?"

"I was so happy when he came home. It was like we got him back from the dead. Now I realize, well, Tony never really did come home, did he? He left a part of himself in that cave. Breaks my heart." He sat on the desk looking at Pepper. Thomas took a piece of taffy off the desk that was kept here for when he visited.

"Well, he's a complicated person." Pepper lightly smiled.

Obadiah took a drink from his glass as Pepper continues. "He's been through a lot. I think he'll be all right.

"You are a very rare woman. Tony doesn't know how lucky he is."

Thomas raised his eyebrows at what Obadiah said.

'What a freaking creep' Thomas thought to himself.

"Thank you. Thanks. I'd better get back there." Thomas got out of the chair as Pepper followed him.

Thomas grabbed the paper and the drive. "Um, next time I'll ask before going into your office I forgot my password on a game and I remembered that I had it on your computer. And I got a piece of candy," Thomas lied cooly.

"It's ok, tell your dad I said hi." Obadiah smiled, he grabbed a piece of candy throwing it over to Thomas who handed it to Pepper to put in his backpack along with the drive.

"Is that today's paper?" Obadiah asked Thomas who was still holding it.

"Yes, sir." Thomas gulped slightly before nodding at the older man.

"Do you mind?"

Thomas walked toward him. "Not at all, I probably shouldn't be reading it anyway."

"Probably not till you older, plus I like the puzzle." Obadiah smiled.

"Of course." Thomas handed him the paper and gave him a high five.

"Take care," Obadiah told Pepper.

They walked down the stairs at a fast pace almost to fast for poor Thomas.

"Ms. Potts? We had an appointment. Did you forget about our appointment?" Mr. Coulson asked as they finished the last stair.

"Nope, right now. Come with me."

"Right now?" Coulson asked shocked due to there other times she turned him down.

Pepper had a grip on Thomas's backpack. "We're going to have it right now. Yeah, walk with us."

"Okay."

"I'm going to give you the meeting of your life. Your office." She said.

Coulson looked down at Thomas who looked like he was about to have a panic attack.

"You ok kid?" He asked.

"Yep, I'm fine, perfect, terrific, amazingly wonderful, just fine." He huffed out.

"Thomas, I'm so sorry ok when this is over I'll buy you ice cream." She told the young boy who was panicking.

"Ice cream, ok," Thomas mumbled himself trying to calm down.

"Thomas as in Thomas Cruise?" Coulson asked the trying not to panic herself, Pepper.

"Yes." She answered.

They reached the car and she pulled out her phone calling Tony multiple times but he didn't pick up. "Tommy I need you to call Rhodey and tell him what's going on. ok?"

"Ok." She handed the boy her phone as she drove there way into traffic explaining the situation to Coulson.

"What do you mean, he paid to have Tony killed? Tom, slow down. Why would Obadiah... Okay, where's Tony now?"

"I don't know. Pepper called him he's not answering his phone. She wants you to go over there and make sure everything's okay."

Rhodey sighed at all this information. "Ok pal."

"Rhodey, I-I'm kinda scared," Thomas confessed, he didn't really wanna say that to a freaking Lieutenant Colonel of the U.S. Air Force but he felt like he should.

"I know you are buddy just hang on there. ok?"

"Alright Thank you, Rhodey." He hiccupped.

"No problem bye."

He handed the phone back to Pepper who looked at him confused. "What did he say?"

"Uhh, he'll go check on him." He grabbed the candy out of his backpack that Obadiah tossed him.

They walked there from the large automatic doors to the metal door.

"Section 16. Section 16. There it is." Pepper pointed.

She swiped the card on the scanner then swiped it again."My key's not working. It's not opening the door."

Coulson put out his hand and one of his guys gave him a small device, he put it on the door.

"Oh, wow! What's that? It's, like, a little device. It's, like, a thing that's going to pick the lock?" Pepper questioned.

"You might want to take a few steps back," Coulson warned her.

They all stood in badass poses as Thomas and Pepper covered their ears. There was a loud bang the door bolts busted off.

"Wow, can I have one of those?" Thomas asked, both Coulson and Pepper shook there heads no.

They all walked down the stairs Coulson and his friends had their guns drawn Coulson turned around nodding to them, he opened the door raising his gun, Pepper slightly gulped as she grabbed Thomas's hand.

They walked on to the platform in the lab, next to the platform was an iron suit like Tony's.

"Looks like you were right. He was building a suit." Coulson spoke staring at the suit gun still drawn.

Thomas scoffed. "I thought it would be bigger.”

They all looked at him amused before looking back at the suit. Thomas heard something sparking, he turned around letting go of Pepper's hand.

He saw broken wires sparking he walked closer to them. Coulson and men jumped over the railing on the platform, Pepper just walked down the stairs.

#natasha romonova #spiderman #captain america #tony stark #iron man

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greatcomets · 4 years

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4 a second today i actually thought i was gonna die and i WAS being dramatic but still genuinely just for my own mental health i need 2 take a second to think about why the fuck simon pegg decided to play benji dunn fully in love w ethan hunt in the 2015 movie mission impossible: rogue nation (dir. christopher mcquarrie) so i will b doing that under the cut. hope everyone is ok lmk if theres anything else i can boost 2 help out

motherfucker ok so last night i showed my parents this movie for the first time and it’s one of my favorites so this was like. i wanna say my third time? maybe fourth? and i went into it like oh no i have simply been exaggerating how in love benji is w ethan this entire time. i just have Shipping Goggles like a Fourteen Year Old. BUT NO! I WAS RIGHT!!! it’s actually fucking insane the work my guy simon is doing here like EVERY gaze is longing and OFTEN TEARFUL!!!! especially when he comes in and finds out ethan had 2 be revived and he’s like looking over him freaking out & he tells ilsa he misjudged her.....now THAT is like....u cant tell me thats not Thank you for saving my boyfriend british lady :) it’s literally ridiculous and i can’t tell if tom cruise has any idea AT ALL what he’s doing....he is just like (runs around)....MR MAPOTHER ARE YOU AWARE THAT YOUR COWORKER IS SINGLEHANDEDLY QUALIFYING THIS MOVIE FOR THE LGBT CINEMA SECTION ON NETFLIX. OR HAS THE SCIENTOLOGY BLINDED YOU. they’re like jonmartin probably. i only listened to like 30 episodes of the magnus archives before i forgot it existed but if that gets you guys to watch it then sure! anyway if you haven’t seen mission impossible: rogue nation know that it is a masterpiece

#from me

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dukereviewsxtra · 4 years

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Duke's Monsterween: Hocus Pocus

Hello, I'm Andrew Leduc And Welcome Back To Duke's Monsterween...

Where Today On Duke Reviews Xtra We Start Our Halloween Look At Disney...

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By Talking About Disney's Halloween Classic, Hocus Pocus...

This Film Is About A Teenager Named Max Dennison (Played By Omri Katz) Who Along With His Love Interest (They're Not Exactly Boyfriend/Girlfriend Yet) Allison (Played By Vinessa Shaw) And His Young Sister, Dani (Played By Thora Birch) Bring Back 3 17th Century Witches, Winifred (Bette Midler), Mary (Kathy Najimy), And Sarah (Carrie Bradshaw) Sanderson Back From The Dead...

So, With The Help Of A Boy Trapped In The Body Of A Black Cat Named Thackeray Binx (Played By Max Goof) They Must Stop The Witches Before Midnight On All Hallows Eve Or Else All The Salem Will Be Doomed...

Will They Succeed?

Let's Find Out As We Watch Hocus Pocus...

The Film Starts In The 17th Century When A Human Thackeray Binx Awakes To Discover That His Sister Emily Is Being Lured Into The Woods By Witches...

He Tells His Brother Elijah To Get His Father And Summon The Town Elders While He Follows Emily To The Witches Hideout...

There We Meet 3 Old Witches Named The Sanderson Sisters Who Intend On Getting Emily To Drink Their Potion So They Can Steal Her Lifeforce To Become Young Again..

But Before They Can Get Emily To Drink It, Binx Reveals Himself To The Sisters And Dumps Their Potion In Their Cauldron On The Ground...

But Despite Doing That Binx Is Too Late, Emily Has Dranken The Potion From Winifred's Mixing Spoon. Blasting Binx With Force Lightning, Winifred And Her Sisters Steal Emily's Lifeforce And Become Young Again Or Younger As Winifred Puts It ...

As For Binx, They Transform Him Into A Black Cat Before Being Invaded By Binx's Father And The Town Elders Who Proclaim Them To Be Witches And Have Them Hanged Until Dead....

But Before They Are Hung Winifred Proclaims That On All Hallows Eve, A Virgin Will Bring Them Back, And Then, All The Lives Of The Children Of Salem Will Be Theirs...

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Fast Forwarding A Few Decades Later, We Meet Max Dennison And His Love Interest Alison Who Are In A Class Run By The Nun Who Raised Jake And Elwood Blues...

Who I'm Surprised Didn't Hit Max On The Head With A Ruler Because Of His Talk Of Halloween Being Run By The Candy Companies..

But When Alison Proves Him Wrong By Talking About The Historical Facts About Halloween, He Gives Her His Phone Number Only For Alison To Give It Back To Him A Couple Minutes Later After Class...

Swing And A Miss...

After A Scene With 2 Stereotypical High School Bullies, Max Starts Missing His Home In Eerie, Indiana

Oops, I'm Sorry, I Made A Mistake There, It's Actually California...

But When His Sister, Dani, Interrupts His Brooding And Says That He's Taking Her Trick Or Treating This Year Because Their Parents Are Going To A Party This Year...

Yeah, Don't Bet On It, Kid, Coronavius Cancelled Halloween This Year...

Refusing, Dani Tells Their Parents, Who Force Max To Go Anyway...

But When They Do They Have A Run In With The Bullies, Which Causes Max To Get Mad At Dani Only For Max To Open Up To Dani On Why He's Been Moody Lately Which Leads The 2 To Make Up...

After That, They Come Across A Huge House Which Is Actually Owned By Allison's Parents Who Are Throwing A Halloween Party That Night, Leaving Allison On Candy Duty...

With Dani Embarrassing Max On The Fact That He Likes Allison's Yabos...

Which Is Technically A Long List As Tom Cruise And David Duchovney Apparently Like Them Too..

Allison Reveals That Her Parents Used To Run A Museum On The Sanderson Sisters When She Likes Dani's Costume, But They Closed It Down, When Weird Incidents Started Happening...

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(Start At 1:22, End At 1:41)

Max Asks To Go, In Effort To Make A Believer Out Of Believer Out Of Him, So, Alison Goes To Change...

But Despite Max Wanting To Go, Dani Doesn't As She's Scared Of That Place, But They Compromise With Max Promising That Next Year They'll Go As Peter Pan (With Tights) And Wendy...

Going Into The Place, They Turn On The Lights And Look Around The Place, Eventually, Max Discovers The Black Flame Candle Which Is What Will Bring The Sisters Back To Life...

With Max Saying Maybe They Should Light It And Meet The Witches Themselves, He's Attacked By Binx, But That Doesn't Scare Max Off, Despite Allison And Dani Wanting To Leave...

But Still, Max Lights The Candle...

With The Floor Shaking, Lights Transforming Into Candles And A Fire Starting In The Fireplace, The Sisters Are Back...

With Winifred Wondering Who Lit The Black Flame Candle, Mary Starts Smelling Children, Leading The Sisters To Dani, Who Tells Them That They've Been Dead For 300 Years Before They Grab Her...

Max Tries To Help But Winifred Ends Up Blasting Him And Tossing Him Against The Wall Before Lifting Him Up...

Luckily Though Allison Saves Dani From Mary Who Then Whaps Winifred With Her Candy As Binx Attacks Winifred So Max Can Get Dani And Alison Out So He Can Enact His Burning Rain Of Death Plan By Using A Lighter To Activate The Sprinklers...

Confronted By Binx Who Reveals To Max That He Can Talk, He Tells Max To Get The Spellbook Before They Go, Which He Does Before The Sisters Realize That The Burning Rain Of Death Is Actually Water...

Now, There Are Alot Of Questions And Complaints That Some People Have With This Movie But I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry This One Just Ticks Me Off...

If Binx Could Talk, Why Didn't He Say Anything For All Those Years?..

And To Answer That, Let Me Ask You, The Viewer, A Question, What Would You Do If You Saw A Talking Cat?...

Would You Sit Down And Talk With Him Like An Average Ordinary Person?

Or Would You Run For Your Freaking Life Like He Was Casper, The Friendly Ghost?

If You Picked The First Answer, Congratulations, You're Officially A Moron!

Because If There's One Thing I've Learned From Movies And T.V. Shows Involving Mutants Or Beings With Amazing Powers, It's That People Fear Things That They Do Not Understand

Taking Max And The Girls To A Graveyard Because The Sisters Can't Set Foot On Hallowed Ground, Binx Explains Everything To Them While Also Revealing That After He Was Turned Into A Cat, He Waited For His Life To End So He Could Be Reunited With His Family....

But Winifred's Spell Came With Immortality, So, He Decided To Use It To Prevent A Virgin From Lighting That Candle...

Shortly After That, The Sisters Arrive On Their Broomsticks And Attempt To Go After The Book, But Realizing They Can't Due To Them Being On Holy Ground, Winifred Casts A Spell Which Brings Back Her Former Lover, Billy Butcherson...

I Wonder If His Modern Day Ancestor Is Billy Butcher From The Boys?

Who Winifred Caught Cheating On Her With Sarah, So She Poisoned Him And Sewed His Mouth Shut So He Wouldn't Reveal Her Secrets Even In Death..

Returning As A Zombie, Winifred Orders Him To Go After Max And The Girls Who Are Now In A Sewer With Binx...

As The Sisters Board A Bus With A Horny Bus Driver, Who Promises To Take Them To Where Children Are, Max And The Girls Get Out Of The Sewers After A Fake Death For Binx To Warn A Fake Police Cop Who Pretends To Be A Cop About The Sisters...

To Which There's A Complaint That I Agree With The Fanbase On...

Meanwhile, We Get A Brief Cameo By Both Garry And Penny Marshall Before The Sisters Realize That All The Small People In Costumes Are Children And That Halloween Has Become A Time Of Year When Children Run Amok...

When The Cop Doesn't Listen, Max And The Girls Go To Warn Their Parents And Everyone At The Party At Town Hall ButThey Don't Listen Either...

Eventually, The Sisters Show Up, Leading To The Best Part Of The Entire Movie...

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(Start At 0:45, End At 2:46)

Hiding From The Witches In An Alley Behind A Resturant, Alison Gets An Idea, Which Involves Them, Luring The Sisters Into A Furnace At School And Burning Them Alive.,.

Succeeding In Doing So, Max And The Girls Celebrate And Binx Is Interested In The Prospect Of Finally Having A Family To Replace The One He Lost Years Ago...

But Sadly, This Happy Ending Gets Ruined Because The Sisters Are Still Alive...

As Dani And Binx Catch Some Rest, Max And Allison Go Through Winifred's Spellbook To See If There's A Way To Return Binx Back To Normal Not Knowing The Book Is Creating A Light In The Sky That Will Lead The Sisters Right To Them...

Binx Stops Max And Allison, Saying That Nothing Good Can Come From The Book, And He's Dead Right As The Sisters Show Up And Kidnap Dani And Binx Before Taking Off...

This Leads To Another One Of My Favorite Scenes...

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(End At 1:33)

And That Miracle Comes In The Form Of Another Trick...

Max Shows Up At The Sisters House Just As They're About To Feed Dani The LifeForce Potion And Uses Allison's Car To Mimic The Sun To Make The Sisters Fall To The Ground So, He Can Get Dani And Binx...

After A Chase Scene Between The Car And The Sisters On Their Brooms Which Would Look Better On Endor, They Go To The Graveyard Only For Max To Get Caught By Billy Who After Using Max's Knife To Cut The Stitches On His Mouth Reveals What Side He's Actually On...

As The Final Battle Goes On, Winifred Grabs Dani, So, She Can Get Dani To Drink The LifeForce Potion...

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(Start At 0:51)

As Sister Thanks Brother For Saving Her Life, Brother Gets Girl Of His Dreams And Binx Is Reunited With His Sister, Emily In The Afterlife...

And That's Hocus Pocus And Aside From The Various Criticisms From Various YouTube Reviewers, It's A Pretty Good Film...

The Story Is Interesting, I Love The Characters And The Effects Are Pretty Good, So For That I Say, See It....

Till Next Time, This Is Duke, Signing Off...

#Hocus Pocus #bette midler #sarah jessica parker #kathy najimy #omri katz #thora birch #vinessa shaw #garry marshall #penny marshall #disney #disney +#disnerd #disney live action

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vanessakirbyfans · 5 years

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Ask Vanessa Kirby if, as a little girl living in London’s middle-class neighborhood of Wimbledon, she dreamed of punching people in the face. You might hear a giggle on the other end of the phone line. Inquire about the endless hours she must have spent during her formative years wishing she could throw a toaster at someone in the middle of a fight or choke someone out with her thighs — that inspires a heartier baritone chuckle from her. Suggest that Kirby must have grown up filled with a burning desire to drive a 360-degree rotating jeep out of a warehouse window. Now the 31-year-old actress makes a sort of pffft sound before laughing uproariously.

“I’m so not an action-movie type,” she says. “I’m a theater nerd from London! But you want a lot of different experiences as an actor. As many as possible.” A pause. “Which is how you find yourself hanging on the edge of a cliff and a helicopter is spinning around you and you’re thinking, ‘What the hell is going on?!’ ”

The helicopter scene comes near the end of Hobbs & Shaw, the Fast & Furious spin-off that Kirby stars in alongside Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Jason Statham. By the time we get to that visceral, climactic stunt, however, we’ve already watched her character Hattie Shaw — a rogue MI6 agent and the sister to Statham’s bad-guy-turned-good-guy Deckard Shaw — do every one of those aforementioned activities. We’ve also seen her hop and sprint across the tops of storage containers, slide across a concrete floor to take out two thugs at once, drive a truck sideways through a wall, display an affinity for heavy artillery, ride shotgun in roughly a half dozen high-speed car chases, and kick a chair into a guy’s midsection before slamming his head into a table. Kirby more than holds her own against her rough-and-tumble costars. “Dwayne and Jason have been doing stuff like this for years,” director David Leitch says. “Vanessa is new to all of this, and she immediately gave as good as she got.” Plus, like Ginger Rogers, she occasionally has to do what they do backwards and in heels.

For an actor whose breakthrough role was playing Princess Margaret in Netflix’s award-winning series The Crown — a part whose biggest physical requirement, she points out, was stubbing a cigarette into a sandwich — Kirby’s coronation as a bona fide running, jumping, ass-kicking action hero may be the best surprise of the summer movie season. Her brief but memorable turn in Mission: Impossible — Fallout proved that she could handle herself in a melee and was handy with a knife. But what she’s doing in this F&F franchise standout is some next-level, close-contact, roll-up-your-sleeves kind of work. It suggests that, in addition to playing rebellious royalty and femme fatales, Kirby may very well be the female Bond we deserve.

“Yeah, I don’t quite know how this happened, yet here we are,” she says. “When they came to me with this, I suddenly felt like: Ok, well, here’s this opportunity to introduce another strong, female character into this series. I mean, you have Michelle Rodriguez and these other wonderful actresses who’ve been a part of these films in the past. But this is a story where you have these two men, and a woman who’s an equal part of their team. She’s not being objectified. She’s not the weak link. She doesn’t need them to fight on her behalf. She doesn’t need to be saved.

“I knew it’d be hard, and I knew it’d be fun to do,” she continues. “But what drove me was the idea that somewhere out there, some 13-year-old girl would go to the movies, and while her brothers are freaking out over the Rock, she gets someone to relate to. That girl gets to see herself up there. She gets to have the same experience her brothers or her male friends have when they go to an action movie. It suddenly seemed like this was an important thing to do as well.”

Growing up in London, Kirby was more likely to be buried in a book than catching a blockbuster, claiming she “preferred Chekhov to action movies, really,” before groaning, “That sounds sopretentious. God, so sorry. What a wanker!” She was “not what you’d call sporty” and caught the theater bug early on, as an outlet and an escape; Kirby has talked about being severely bullied at school and suffering from giardiasis as a teen. After years of doing plays in the U.K., she nabbed the Crown role. One of the show’s fans, Tom Cruise, recruited her for M:I duty, and Kirby claims she wanted to make her character “kind of weird, a little strange…I liked the idea of subverting the usual stereotype of the femme fatale.” (The stare her mystery woman fixes on Cruise before planting a violent kiss on him is as intense as any of the action sequences not involving extreme skydiving.)

But it wasn’t until she found herself watching the star on set that she gleaned the appeal of a D.I.Y approach to action filmmaking. “Honestly, I didn’t understand the whole notion of doing stunts until I saw Tom do what he did. You have to be part athlete, part dancer. A fight sequence is like learning a ballet.” And Leitch, a former stuntman and fight co-ordinator who co-directed the first John Wick movie and Atomic Blonde, had a reputation for staging sequences which relied on his performers to be in the middle of things as much as possible. “If you can train the actor to stay in 90-percent of the action, it’s just that much more compelling for the audience,” he notes, citing Charlize Theron’s one-shot shootout in Blonde as a prime example. “So to observe Vanessa get to the point where judo-throwing guys on the ground looks like it’s no big thing…it was a blast to see her take to it.”

Getting to that point, however, required a lot of training: three days a week, three hours a day, for six weeks. “Lots of fighting, lots of parkour, lots of martial arts drills — which I was pretty crap at initially, if we’re being honest,” Kirby says. “Then once I started to get the basics down, we could add things, take things away, create combinations of moves. I was doing a play at the time [Julie, a riff on August Strindberg’s Miss Julie at the National Theatre], sometimes two shows a day — I’d get up at 7am, train for three hours, rehearse, do a performance at night. So, lots of soreness as well. But I ended up loving it. “

Then there were the more complicated stunts — the ones involving, say, Kirby being inside a car as it was rotated 360-degrees on a gimbal, with the actress strapped into her seat but still flying about every which way. Or one in which the actor was wired to the outside of car that Statham is driving and “drifting” at some impressive speeds. (“You need a willing participant to make these types of things work,” Leitch says. “But there were a few things where even we were going, ‘So Vanessa, you really want to do this?'”) Mention that last one to Kirby, and she replies, “Maybe it’s crazy to say this, but after a while on this shoot, these dangerous stunts…you kind of get immune to it. You know, ‘Strap myself to a moving car?'” She adopts a singsong voice. “‘Just ano-ther daaaaay on the job!'” It eventually got to the point where I’d go, ‘Oh, today I just have to repeatedly punch someone? Easy!'”

And while neither of Kirby’s next few projects — an untitled low-budget collaboration with Gimme the Loot director Adam Leon; The World to Come, a character study about two women in love set in the 1800s — will require her to flip a man by the neck using only her coat, she is now ready, willing and able to employ her new skill set on demand. “It’s funny, I was thinking about Princess Margaret,” she says, referencing her Crown character. “I look back on her now, and think, well, half of the time, all she really wanted to do was fight! And she never could. With Hattie, I finally got to do that. So in that way, the role was cathartic.” Kirby drops her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “I’m in a movie where I get to fight the Rock. And I get to win.”

#Vanessa Kirby #Hobbs and Shaw #Articles #Interview

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danfanciesphil · 6 years

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Give Me A Try (New Chapter)

Gay Instagram Model/Bartender Phan AU Part 2

(Part One)

Also up on Ao3!

The Habenero bar is closed on Sundays, thank God.

The owner of the establishment is, surprisingly, a devout Catholic that believes in resting on the Sabbath. Dan is not all for this Catholic tradition (ignoring, for now, all the oppression and homophobia) because after Saturday night’s hell shifts, he’s usually in need of some recuperation.

He wakes up at 2pm on Sunday afternoon on his sofa in a shirt that doesn’t belong to him. His phone is stuck to his cheek, and there are crisp crumbs in his hair. There’s a fug of stale, smoky, sweat in the air, like the smell of the soaked dancefloor of the bar at the end of each night. Belatedly, Dan realises that he’s fallen asleep in what he was wearing when he got back last night, meaning that he’s still soaked in alcohol.

Grimacing at his own grossness, Dan hauls himself up from the sofa and staggers into the bathroom to shower. It’s only as he peers up at his reflection in the mirror above the sink that he remembers the shirt. At first, it confuses him, as it’s far too nice of a garment to be his. It’s clearly fitted, tailored probably, with a subtly cinched waist, and neat, complex stitching around the hem and sleeves.

He peers closer at his reflection to read the little label on the pocket.

Givenchy

Dan jumps backwards, hands held aloft as if he’s about to mark the thing with his grubby paws. He needs to get this thing off him right now, it’s far too expensive to be on his body. How had he let himself fall asleep in this last night? It’s probably all crumpled, he’ll have to get it dry cleaned-

His phone buzzes in his pocket, and he scrambles for it, heart pounding as he catches sight again of his snappily dressed reflection. It’s a text from Tyler, the last of several by the looks of things. He swipes to view them.

From: Tyler omg CANNOT believe what happened last night

From: Tyler can we get brunch today?? lots to discuss..

From: Tyler hellooo?? earth to dan?

From: Tyler did u die from overstimulation of the brain after giving ur all time celeb crush ur fREAKING NUMBER

From: Tyler message me when ur awake bitch x

The blood drains from Dan’s face as he reads through the messages, all of which confirm that the events of last night weren’t a dream, and that, yes, Phil Lester did saunter into the bar, flirt with him, and hand over his designer shirt so that Dan wouldn’t have to finish work in a soaked one.

Not knowing how to respond to Tyler, Dan chooses to just ignore it for now. He places the phone down and begins carefully unbuttoning the shirt, fingers practically trembling when he thinks of how expensive it would be if he were to accidentally rip a button off. As his fingers open the lapels, his mind flashes up a helpful image of Phil doing the exact same in front of him last night, his methodical, pale fingers working to reveal his bare chest inch by inch, right in the middle of the god damn bar.

Dan’s face flames, and he tries hard to think of something else. Once the shirt is off, he folds it as carefully as he can and places it on the counter beside the sink. He then shucks off his beer-soaked jeans, which do not get anywhere near the same treatment, and jumps into the shower.

It’s only as the warm, comforting stream of water cascades over him that Dan’s frantic mind relaxes enough to slip back into the memory of the previous evening, and all that transpired. Phil Lester. Right there before him.

The slow, flirtatious smile spreading across his broad, full lips. The familiar sweep of his jet black hair. The pulse of his glinting blue eyes in the swirl of coloured lights.

‘I got distracted by the cute bartender, and forgot to order him another one...’

‘I could save you as cute bartender when you text me...’

Cute. Phil had called him cute. Twice.

The water seems scalding hot, suddenly. Dan’s body temperature rises by at least two degrees, he’s sure. He swallows down some saliva, and runs his hands through his wet curls. How on earth had any of this happened? Situations like this are so unlikely that they’re almost never heard of.

He feels how he imagines Katie Holmes must have felt when Tom Cruise sidled up to her, all flirtatious smiles and pick-up lines, after she’d been staring at his poster for all her childhood, tacked onto her bedroom wall.

Again, the thick, treacly gaze Phil cast across to him over the bar seeps into Dan’s mind. The memory of it covers Dan's whole body, as if it were pouring out of the shower head, slathering him in its intensity. The amount of time Dan has spent staring into those eyes on his phone screen is insurmountable, but having experienced them in real life, he now knows that he may as well not have bothered. Those eyes will haunt him for the rest of time.

He feels the familiar scratch of arousal start to drag at his thighs, tingling at the tips of his fingers, so he turns the temperature down, trying to divert it. Now that he’s spoken with Phil, so recently, it would seem odd to jerk off to the thought of him.

...Not that AmazingPhil is anything like a stranger in Dan’s mental storage of wanking material.

It’s just as Dan is rinsing the shampoo out of his hair that he remembers the one, tiny hiccup in the exchange with his crush. Phil had stolen Dan’s phone to type in his number, and had seen that Dan had been stalking his Instagram.

As he freezes, remembering this mortifying scene, the shampoo trickles down into Dan’s eyes, blinding him.

“Fuck!” Dan shouts, loud enough that he’s sure the neighbours heard.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Tyler shovels a slice of avocado toast into his mouth. He chews a bit, noisily, then continues speaking with his mouth full. “I trawl the billions of nasty vintage shops in the Laines for a designer shirt, and you get one handed to you for free?! And by a dazzling, incredibly hot model? Hand over your fucking magic lamp, Dan. Some of us need it more than others.”

Dan watches with a slightly downturned mouth as Tyler talks around his mouthful of food. “Err, I think I was due some good luck, actually.”

Tyler looks like he’s about to argue, but then shuts his mouth, staring down at his plate in reluctant acceptance. “Yeah, okay, true. But still. Can I at least touch it?”

Dan shakes his head, drawing the bag containing the shirt closer to his side of the table. He’s taking it to the local dry cleaning company after this, as well as giving the staff there a long, terrifying warning that if they do so much as snag a stitch, there will be hell to pay.

“No way,” Dan replies. “You’ll nick the thing if I let you too close to it.”

Tyler sighs. “You know me too well.” He bites his lip, staring longingly at the bag, and sighs again. “So, when is Mister Delavigne retrieving his garment?”

Dan shrugs, poking at the poached egg on his plate with a fork. He has no idea why he ordered this, he doesn’t really eat eggs. But brunch is such a specific meal, he feels like he needs to order something aesthetically ‘brunch-like’.

“Wait, you mean you haven’t set up a time to give it back to him yet?” Tyler asks, horrified.

“It hasn’t even been a day,” Dan says. “Besides, he said he might stop in on Thursday for Bingo-”

“No no no!” Tyler cries, sounding scandalised. “Dan, are you this clueless? The man gave you his number!”

Dan’s cheeks heat, remembering the incident that occurred during this scenario. “Yeah, to text him about getting the shirt back.”

Tyler rolls his eyes. “No, you nonce, the shirt is irrelevant! It’s an excuse for you to get in touch with him.”

This time, Dan rolls his eyes. “Don’t be stupid. It’s a fucking designer shirt, he just wants to make sure he’ll get it back.”

“He was flirting with you!”

“He’s a flirty guy. Trust me, I know everything about him. I’m like... a big fan.”

A sigh of pity gusts across the table towards him. Tyler places a hand atop his, and leans forwards. “Dan, listen to me. Text that hunk of delicious, geek-chic muscle, and watch how he responds. I guarantee he will try and flirt more.”

“I guarantee he will just say he wants his shirt back.”

Tyler smirks. “You’re on, dumbo.”

It takes Dan two and a half beers to summon the courage to text Phil. He spends Sunday evening scrolling through the photos on the AmazingPhil Instagram page, studying each one in great detail so that he can remember each minute feature of Phil’s perfect, Adonis-like face.

He’s had the text message screen up for some time, the word ‘Phil’ at the top where he’d saved his number, as if he were just any ‘Phil’, rather than the Amazing Phil that has haunted Dan’s daydreams ever since he first stumbled on a photo of him years prior.

For maybe the sixth time that night, Dan types out a potential message.

From: Dan To: Phil Hey, this is Dan from Habeneros bar. I have your shirt. Would you like me to send it back to you?

He doesn’t send it yet. Instead, he copies the message, and pastes it into his chat with Tyler. The response is practically instantaneous. Dan wonders, not for the first time, if Tyler actually has any semblance of a life outside of the bar.

From: Tyler To: Dan wtf is that shit????

From: Tyler To: Dan r u trying to turn him off

From: Dan To: Tyler ?? what do u mean

From: Tyler To: Dan u sound like a bot

From: Dan To: Tyler im being polite!!!

From: Tyler To: Dan polite is not going to get you in his pants

Instantly, Dan’s cheeks catch aflame, and he feels his heart squeeze. Even the idea of such a thing is too much for Dan’s poor, wrung out brain to comprehend. He could never, in a billion years, be that lucky. After last night, where one of the most absurd of his sexual fantasies came true - Phil stripping off in front of him in public - he’s sure his luck has run dry.

From: Dan To: Tyler shut up. tell me what to say then

From: Tyler To: Dan ‘hey sexy, still shirtless? i live nearby if u want some help with that...’

Dan splutters and chokes on his beer.

From: Dan To: Tyler NO!!

From: Tyler To: Dan fine fine. prude. how about...

Teeth gritted as he wills his heart rate to settle back into a reasonable rhythm, Dan waits for Tyler’s next message. His fingernails tap on the edge of his beer bottle. Trit, trit, trit.

From: Tyler To: Dan ‘hey! not sure if u remember me but u heroically clothed me in ur Givenchy at a bar on Sat. the lanky bartender covered in blue sugary liquid? i know, i know, super hot. anyway :’) i have your shirt. you should swing by the bar again! or i can send it back. up to you dude! but bingo nights are off the fuckin chain js. let me know :) x’

Dan reads the message through, only cringing slightly. Honestly, he was sure it would be way worse. It’s actually kind of funny, and weirdly sounds like him. Tyler has clearly been subjected to Dan’s lame sense of humour for far too long.

Without thinking, Dan drains the rest of his beer, copies the message Tyler gave him, and pastes it into the text box he’s opened with Phil. He presses send before his alcohol laced mind can catch up, wanting to be rid of this conundrum.

From: Dan To: Tyler ok, sent it.

From: Tyler To: Dan omg what :O

From: Tyler To: Dan did you really?? :’’’D

From: Tyler To: Dan i thought you’d want to edit it a bit first!! wow ok looool

From: Dan To: Tyler dont say that! you’ll make me anxious

From: Dan To: Tyler besides you made it sound like me its fine

From: Tyler To: Dan uh huh... let me know what he says :’D

From: Dan To: Tyler i fucking hate u

From: Tyler To: Dan xxx

The corner of Dan’s mouth quirks traitorously. His relationship with Tyler is complicated. Never before has he been able to hate someone and love them at the same time. Just as he’s about to pocket the phone again, it buzzes in his hand. He glances at the screen to see that Phil has - oh, God - already texted him back.

He almost drops the damn thing.

From: Phil To: Dan hey dan! yeah of course i remember you ;D surprisingly i dont strip off in the middle of a bar that often. or for just anyone ;) omg id forgotten about bingo!! super excited. i’ll be there! what time should i swing by? xx

His hand grows clammy, and he can feel his heart picking up speed. It’s mental that just reading Phil’s words can have him so agitated. He wonders if Phil has already saved his name into his phone. Probably not. Dan’s still a complete stranger, just one that happens to have a very expensive item of his clothing.

From: Dan To: Phil awesome. you wont be disappointed! bingo starts at 7 on thursdays :) ur shirt and i will see you there! x

Dan dithers about the kiss. He deletes it and retypes it three times, wondering what sort of message it transforms into when it’s added. In the end, after careful analysis of Phil’s initial message (in which there are not one, but two kisses attached) he decides to leave it on.

Dan more or less expects that to be the end of the conversation, and he breathes a sigh of relief as the text swoops out of his control, but the sight of the three pulsating dots on the left bottom corner of his screen stop him from closing the text window.

He waits, heart palpitating, for Phil’s reply.

From: Phil To: Dan are u feeding her well? i hope ur taking her for a walk twice a day. tell her i love and miss her, and will see her soon. xx

Dan snorts with laughter, realising that Phil is referring to the shirt.

From: Dan To: Phil she just pooped on my carpet :/ buttons everywhere x

From: Phil To: Dan :o so sorry. will be sure to give her no treats when i get her back xx

From: Dan To: Phil what kind of treats does she like? x

From: Phil To: Dan moth balls, tide pods... she’s fussy :/ xx

Dan’s sniggers into his jumper sleeve, eyes crinkling at Phil’s silly responses. Is this flirting, he wonders? Could Tyler have been right about this?

From: Phil To: Dan gotta run! im sitting in makeup for a shoot and they just finished prettifying me :’D see u thurs ;) xx

‘You’re already pretty’ is Dan’s instant thought for a response, but he deletes it as soon as his fingers begin typing the words. He shakes his head at himself, berating his brain for being so gooey and idiotic.

From: Dan To: Phil cool :) see u! x

Much more appropriate, Dan thinks, then locks his phone. It hits him like a freight train as he sits on the edge of his bed, blank phone in hand, that he just arranged a follow up meeting with AmazingPhil.

He remains perfectly still, sure that the second he moves, the impact of what he’s just done will send him into a full blown panic attack. He invited Phil to Bingo night of all nights.

He drops his head into his hands, groaning. As he looks up through the slats between his fingers, he notices the Givenchy shirt, hanging proudly on the door of his wardrobe.

“This is all your fault,” Dan tells it. It doesn’t respond.

Bingo nights are one of the Habenero bar’s busiest. Tyler first came up with the idea around two years ago, being a self-declared Bingo-hoe, but filled with criticism of Brighton’s few and far between Bingo events.

“Bingo should be about booze, glitter, and loud, obnoxious screaming,” Tyler used to say. “Brighton needs to up its Bingo game.”

Finally, after months of pleading to Habenero's owner, Tyler managed to wrangle an opportunity to host an experimental Bingo evening, run on his terms. He spared no expense of the meagre budget he was permitted, and created Brighton's, and maybe the world's, first Gay Rave Bingo Extravaganza.

There are several rounds to the game. The first is the ‘classic’ round, to get everyone into the swing of things. Players are in teams of up to five, they get a Bingo board between them with a selection of random numbers. Tyler, the charismatic host, hops up on the stage to crack a few jokes and welcome everyone. He then goes back to serve drinks whilst Dan calls out the numbers.

Teams receive ten points per round if they win, five if they come second, one if they come third.

The following rounds get a little... messier. There’s a ‘drag race’ round, where new boards are handed out, and photos of the RuPaul’s Drag Race contestants are projected onto a screen. Players must correctly identify the contestants in order to be able to cross them all off on their boards.

This is followed by Dan’s favourite, the ‘closet smash’ round, where clips of famous ‘gay’ scenes from movies, TV shows, webseries’ or any other kind of media are shown on mute, and players must cross the unheard lines of dialogue off on their board.

There’s a ‘guess the ballad’ round, where LGBT+ friendly songs are played that must be guessed, and finally one last round of just numbers, this time while everyone is significantly more drunk (drinking a sip or a shot each time a correct answer is guessed is highly encouraged, but not necessarily advised by the bar staff, due to the lawsuit that could ensue) and there are loud, booming Madonna hits playing.

The team with the most points at the end of the night gets a £50 bar tab, along with a shower of glitter, confetti and applause. The losing team has to forfeit.

Phil arrives in the nick of time, flanked by one intimidatingly attractive man, and a slightly older straight couple. Dan spots them straight away, and hops down from the stage, pink-cheeked, as Tyler continues welcoming the various patrons that have shown up.

There is no shortage of teams this evening. Dan sincerely hopes Phil is prepared for what’s about to unfold here, although if he has ever been to a different Bingo night, he probably has a very different idea of what to expect. As Dan approaches, he can see the flicker of surprise that is so often found on first-timers' faces, flickering across Phil's gorgeous features.

“Hey,” Dan manages, heart already clawing itself up his throat.

Phil turns to him, a bright smile sweeping across his face at once. “Dan!”

A bright, white flash of electricity shoots down Dan’s spine; hearing his name on Phil’s lips is a little too much to handle, at present. He manages not to swoon on the spot, just.

“You made it!”

“Of course!” Phil grins. “How could I resist Bingo night?”

Dan smiles, melting under the pleasant, crackling campfire of Phil's warm greeting. Tonight, Phil is wearing contacts, and his eyes seem even bluer than they had the first time. As he stares into them, Dan thinks he can spot glimmers of gold, of violet, of lime.

“Not sure this is quite the sort of Bingo night I pictured when you dragged me here, Phil,” the attractive man on Phil’s left says, breaking Dan out of his trance.

Phil laughs, nodding in agreement. "Me neither. But I'm excited. This is PJ by the way, Dan." Phil jabs a thumb at the man. "And this is my brother, Martyn, and his girlfriend, Cornelia."

Biting back a stab of jealousy, Dan shakes waves to each of them, ending on PJ, for whom he finds himself needing to bite back a stab of jealousy. How many attractive men does Phil just cart around with him, day to day?

"Oh don't get me wrong, Dan, I'm excited too," PJ says. "Anything glittery brings out the craft-wizard in me."

"Sophie's going to be so pissed that she missed this," Phil says, eyes still sweeping around the gaudily decorated bar. Tyler spares no expense for Bingo nights. Everything is covered in banners, in balloons, in... glitter. Lots and lots of glitter. It's a nightmare to clean up at the end of the night, every time.

"Not sure it's acceptable to have two straight couples in a gay bar," PJ mutters in response.

Ah, Dan notes, his jealous monster retracting its claws. PJ is perhaps not as much of a threat as he'd thought. Not that there's anything about Dan which would need threatening. His chances with someone like Phil are laughably non-existent, whether or not Phil's handsome friends are straight.

"Oh, you're all very welcome," Dan assures PJ. "Bingo is a non-discriminatory sport."

"Sport?" Martyn asks, looking a little more on the concerned side than some of the others.

Dan chuckles. "Yeah, uh, our take on Bingo is a bit more... energetic, than you might be used to."

Phil raises a perfectly arched eyebrow, obviously intrigued. Dan just smiles back enigmatically. “So, do you have a spare table for us?”

“Hmm, we might,” Dan says, trying with all his might to look nonchalant as he sweeps a vague gaze across the room.

By no means can Phil know that Dan has spent the last two hours in which he and his co-workers set up being relentlessly teased for insisting on saving the best table for AmazingPhil. He'd gotten to work early, in fact, and reserved Phil the table right near the front, not too close to the speakers, but with a fantastic view of the ball cage and the screen.

As breezily as he can, Dan leads Phil and his friends to this table, and gets them seated with pens, a Bingo board, and some drinks menus. It’s at this moment that Tyler, who has been buffeting the audience about on the breeze of his easy, clever humour, decides to introduce him.

“And this yummy little twink over here is Dan,” Tyler says into the mic he’s holding. He gestures down at where Dan hovers, near to Phil’s table. The audience all turn to him, spreading a warm, gradual blush over his cheeks. “Dan will be fondling all your balls this evening, so do please keep an eye on him. Tip him well, ladies. Fellas. Folks in between.”

The audience laugh heartily, including all of Phil's table, so Dan just glares at Tyler, then scurries onto the stage in preparation for the first round. As he draws the first few numbers from the ball cage, Tyler wanders through the tables, taking drinks orders and greeting some regulars. Dan watches him hawkishly as he goes, hardly concentrating as he calls out the numbers. Eventually, Tyler saunters over to Phil's table, which is a frightening thing to behold. Dan stutters as he calls out the number in his hand, too intent on trying to lip-read Tyler's words as he converses with Phil and his friends.

Whatever Tyler is saying seems to be making Phil laugh, which is hardly a good sign.

After a minute or so, Tyler moves away, and Dan relaxes into his routine, cracking jokes each time a vaguely sexual number is called out - everyone loses their goddamn shit as usual when he reads out 69 - and things pass without issue. He keeps an eye on Phil's table as subtly as he can, and from what he can make out, the four of them seem to be having a good time.

It catches Dan off guard when a table near the back shout out "Bingo!", distracted as he is by Phil's presence tonight. He blinks at the winning table for a moment before remembering his duty, and calls them up on stage to check their board.

"Alright, winner of the first round, table 22!"

"Our team name is actually Cougar Chasers," one glittery young man informs him.

Dan just smiles awkwardly, not wanting to explain that team names have never been part of the Bingo rules. As the team leave the stage, Dan glances back down towards Phil's table just in time to see Phil mouth "this round?" to PJ.

He smirks to himself, wondering how the infamous AmazingPhil will cope under the intensity of the next few hours.

Phil does not cope well.

His team struggles the most by a long way, which is perfectly normal for first time Bingo players at Habenero. They get some points, but only a few, and are often seen scribbling frantically, or having heated discussions amongst themselves, eyes wide, hands gesticulating, stirring the confetti that's gathered on the table.

Despite his poor performance, however, Phil seems to be enjoying his experience thoroughly. His glasses may be steamed from the dry ice Tyler pumps out in excess, and his clothes and hair might be smothered in an inch of glitter, but he's grinning widely, and is clearly trying his hardest. His forté seems to be the drag race round, for which his team actually manages to place second due to Phil's apparent extensive knowledge of the show.

He throws the board up in the air when he shouts "Bingo!", but unfortunately it's a fraction of a second too late, and another team snags first place.

At the end of the final round, it becomes clear to Dan, with a slow sense of dread, that Phil's team has lost. The losing team gets a forfeit, and it's almost always the same thing. Tyler swans over to the stage to announce the winners, and Dan falls back, eyeing Phil's table with a prickling fear.

"...so big round of applause once more for our winners, everyone!" Tyler shouts once he's announced everyone. The crowd cheer and whistle for the winning teams, who bow theatrically, blowing kisses to the audience. "Bring your sparkly asses up to the bar to claim your £50 worth of drinks. But, come on now folks. I know what you dramatic little hoes are really excited for." Tyler winks and they all laugh, cheering happily. "Our big losers tonight... I am most scintillated to announce, are..."

Dan bites his lip.

"Table 34! Otherwise known as our smoking celebrity presence this evening, Instagram's AmazingPhil," Tyler announces. "And friends."

Phil's eyebrows shoot up in unmistakeable shock. The crowd cheers, bewildering him and the others at the table even further. To Dan's surprise, Phil looks to him, questioningly, as if he's asking Dan to explain. Dan sends him a pitying glance, wondering if there's any way to warn Phil of what's about to happen. It's usually fairly pointless to try and stop Tyler, however. And besides, the idiot is already speaking again.

"So, I'm sure you all know by now what happens to our losing team each week," Tyler says, grinning down at them all. "Table thirty-four, please kindly follow me to the bar."

A loud 'whoop' of excitement resounds around the room, and there's a scrape of chairs as people hurry over towards the bar, wanting to secure the best spots for the spectacle about to unfold. Dan reluctantly begins climbing down from the stage as well, at which point he feels someone grab his arm. He turns, surprised to find himself face to face with Phil, and stumbles on his way down. Phil, who still has hold of his arm, manages to stop Dan from landing smack down on the sticky floor, hauling him upright.

Dan, mortified, stammers out some sort of thank you, much to Phil's amusement. "Don't worry," Phil tells him. "I surprised you, it's my fault. Though I have a feeling I'm not going to be feeling as chivalrous towards you in a few minutes."

Phil raises an eyebrow at him, still questioning, and Dan just attempts an enigmatic smile. He's so flustered that he's sure it comes off as more of a grimace, but at least he tries.

"Hey, mate, it's not my fault you suck at Bingo," Dan says, his daring comment scrounged up from a reserve of courage he wasn't aware existed. "The Habenero staff accept no responsibility for you not reading the rules of the event before participating."

Phil huffs a laugh, and releases him. "Perhaps a certain bartender should have given me a list of these rules before allowing me to sign up?"

Dan throws his hands up in front of him, already backing away from the conversation. "Hey, all the rules are listed on our website. Now, sir, if you would kindly step up to the bar to accept your forfeit."

Just as Dan is about to turn from him and sprint off, Phil steps forwards, penetrating Dan's personal bubble with his intimidating presence. Dan stops breathing instantly, caught in a sudden limbo as the world slows around him, the movements of the crowd crawling to a snail's pace, the pumping music becoming a distorted drawl. Phil leans towards him, a smirk on his lips, which he brings to Dan's ear.

"Kind of like it when you call me Sir."

He leans away, and the world falls back into its rhythm, the music blaring, the lights swirling in a cacophony of colour. Dan blinks, or so it seems, and Phil has moved from him, is back with his friends, headed for the bar. Dan lets out the breath he's been holding in a sudden rush, his lungs screaming with relief. He takes a moment to gather himself as best he can, heart palpitating wildly, and shakily makes his way over as well.

"So, Dan, tell me," Phil says, wiping his sodden fringe from his brow. "How is it that whenever I come within ten feet of you, I seem to have an overwhelming urge to remove my shirt?"

Dan, who is having a great deal of trouble averting his gaze from the miles of smooth, glittery skin covering Phil's bare chest, shrugs, mouth moving without making a noise. Phil is dripping wet, covered in beads of moisture, his damp shirt slung over one shoulder. He looks delicious, like a cold, dewy, fresh apple, just begging Dan to sink his teeth in. Just then, Tyler wanders over, placing two shots down on the bar between Dan and Phil.

"Don't worry, hot stuff," Tyler tells Phil, winking. "Dan's pretty, but his charms wear off eventually."

"I doubt that," Phil replies smoothly. Dan splutters, reddening. Phil glances down at the shots Tyler handed over, frowning. "What's this?"

"Thought you deserved a drink after all we put you through this evening," Tyler says. "And I thought Dan might like to join you."

Dan glares at Tyler, who just beams back, happily, before sauntering away. Shyly, Dan turns back to Phil, who has picked up the shot glass between his thumb and forefinger, and is rotating it in the space between them, gazing into the clear liquid.

"Sorry about him," Dan says, surprised that he's able to force the words out, croaky as they are. "And sorry about... y'know. Everything else."

Glancing over the rim of the shot glass, Phil grins, eyes crinkling. "Are you kidding? This is the best Bingo night I've ever been to."

"Even though we sprayed you and your friends with the soda hoses for losing?"

Phil nods. "Which means you must be an excellent Bingo host."

"I'm just the guy who reads the numbers," Dan says, dismissive.

He refuses to take credit for the Bingo nights. They're Tyler's baby, he just helps out.

"You clearly know your way around the balls," Phil jokes, winking as Dan splutters again. His cheeks feel like they're about to burst into flames, at this point.

"Hah, well..." Dan shifts awkwardly, adjusting his jeans - they have a tendency to slip down his hips without permission. "Good to know I have at least one talent, I guess."

"So, are you going to drink with me, Dan?"

Dan hesitates, looking down at the shot Tyler poured for him. The milky yellow colour suggests tequila, perhaps the strongest thing he could have given them. Dan has over an hour left of his shift still, and technically he's not supposed to ingest any alcohol whatsoever during working hours. However, that doesn't mean he never does. Customers buy him drinks all the time, and while he sometimes declines, or pretends to drink them... there have often been instances where he's given into temptation.

As he stares across the counter at his all time crush, shirtless and dripping from where he'd been sprayed with lemonade and soda water, Dan kind of gets the feeling that this is going to be one of the times where his resistance falls through.

Not trusting himself to speak, Dan just picks up the shot, and watches in quiet awe as Phil smiles, clinks his own against it, and throws it back, expertly. Caught on the tantalising bob of Phil's stubbled Adam's apple as he swallows the spirit, Dan almost forgets to drink his. He remembers just as Phil's eyes fall back to his, and downs it swiftly.

Purely to show off, Dan reaches below the bar to grab some lemon wedges, and hands one to Phil, blushing. "Here, it's practically blasphemous to do a tequila shot without a chaser."

"Well, I'm no stranger to sin," Phil says, but accepts the lemon anyway, grinning.

Dan bites into his lemon wedge, cursing himself internally when he realises how unattractive his face becomes as he does so. Luckily, Phil just chuckles, and does the same, wincing. "Ugh, that was awful. Tell your friend I said thanks."

Dan laughs. "I will."

"Well, I'd better get back to my friends," Phil says, scanning the immediate vicinity for them. "Not looking forward to another shirtless walk home though, I must admit. I got some... peculiar reactions from people last time."

"Sorry about that," Dan says, one hand reaching up to rub the back of his neck. "Oh, wait, what am I saying? I have your shirt from last time, you can wear that."

"Oh, right," Phil says, laughing to himself. "I completely forgot that's why I came tonight."

"Having too much fun, clearly," Dan jokes, already scooting out from behind the bar. "Come with me, I left it in the staff room."

Dan weaves through the thinning crowd of people. People tend to leave pretty quickly after Bingo night ends on Thursdays. He and Tyler will probably be able to close early tonight. Dan can feel Phil following behind, as if he's attuned to Phil Lester's movement, tapped into the heat of his body. He feels he'd be able to just sense if Phil was in a room, even if it was packed with people. Phil's presence pours out a specific, viscous aura, clogging Dan's pores, seeping into the workings of his brain and slowing them down, smearing a haze across his sight.

They reach the door of the staff room, marked 'private', and Dan pushes inside, heading straight for the lockers on the far wall. His skin prickles, sensing that Phil has followed him in here. It only now occurs to Dan how strange this might seem, luring Phil into an empty, secret room under the premise of returning him something. He decidedly does not turn around, instead choosing to fumble with his locker key in the door.

"I, uh, got it dry cleaned," Dan babbles, drawing the garment out of his locker. It's still on its hanger, as uncreased and pristine as Dan could manage. "I don't know if it was supposed to have any special treatment, but I told them to be extra careful-"

As Dan turns, he realises that Phil has moved extremely close. Neither of them hit the light switch, so the room remains dark, only lit dimly by the coloured lights pouring in through the ajar door. Dan can hear Phil breathe, can hear the thump of someone's heart - probably his own. He's pretty sure the song playing in the bar outside is Britney's 'Toxic', but he can't be sure. The sound of his own desperate, roiling desire is deafening.

"Thanks, Dan," Phil says softly, reaching for the shirt. "Wish I could've seen you in it." There's a pause; Dan can hear his own cells fizzing through his body. "Or not in it."

In that second, Dan is sure he's about to be kissed. Every sign is there: Phil inching closer, leaning in, the flutter of his eyes, as if they're about to fall shut. Dan tries to brace himself for it, to prepare his frantic brain for something so miraculous, so improbably, so utterly wild as being kissed by AmazingPhil-

The door swings open. Blinding, fluorescent light floods the room, and Phil steps backwards, cringing from it.

"Shit, sorry..." Lara says from the doorway. Her round, pretty face is filled with apologies. "My shift is over, Tyler said I could head home... fuck, did I interrupt-"

"Hey, it's okay," Phil says brightly, sending her a soft, reassuring smile. "Dan was just returning my shirt. I need to head home as well, anyway. Great night, guys! Thanks again for the shirt, Dan!"

In the next second, he's gone, and Dan, a mess of emotions, is somehow on the floor, back against the lockers, mind utterly blank. He vaguely notes, in the background, Lara jabbering at him, a thousand apologies falling from her lips.

For two agonising days, Dan hears nothing else. Aside from Tyler bringing the topic up every few milliseconds, Dan's life trundles on devoid of AmazingPhil. Even his Instagram is dry. The day after Bingo night, Phil posts an apology note on his Instagram story that reads:

overdid it at Bingo last night (dont laugh) - having a much needed hangover day in bed with sweet potato fries & a Buffy marathon. Posts will resume ASAP! xx

The day after that, Phil posts nothing. It's unusual. Instagram is Phil's job, so he posts at least once a day, normally. Of course, there are exceptions, like when he goes up North to visit his family, or is too busy and forgets. There's far from a regular upload schedule, but AmazingPhil can normally be relied upon to post at least once a day, and often more.

Then, on Sunday, just as Dan is getting in from his shift at around six in the morning, his phone buzzes. Dan reaches for it as he's peering into his fridge. He's bone tired, but his stomach is not going to let him go straight to sleep.

He checks his notification, and freezes, under the judgemental eye of the courgettes on the shelf in front of him.

amazingphil just posted a photo

Dan swipes the screen carefully, his heart in his mouth. How is he going to handle seeing this man, again, after everything that's occurred? He holds his breath, picturing the slow steps Phil made towards him, the gradual descent of his plush, pink mouth, the glimmer in his round, blue eyes...

The photo flashes up, and Dan's stomach twists in shock. His heart plunges to his knees, and he has to cling onto the fridge door for support. The photo is of Phil, and someone else. That someone else is recognisably Charlie Hickory, the man Phil had brought with him the first time they met.

They're kissing.

Hey guys! Sorry for the lack of posts, as you can see I've been kind of busy ;) back to normal uploads now, I promise!! xx

As his eyes sting with white hot jealousy, Dan realises just how deeply he's stupidly, ignorantly allowed himself to wade into this swamp of yearning for a guy he could never, in a thousand years, hope to get.

"Well, I'm a fucking twat," Dan sighs, and slams the fridge door.

(Part 3!)

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #dan x phil #dan and phil

296 notes · View notes

tube-thoughts-blog · 6 years

Text

tube thoughts vol. 2

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

zack snyder's 300: Rise of an Empire *Lady warrior commandeers the battle scenes and saves it from being a male meat fest like the first film.* 3 stars

rifftrax presents "Independence Day" *One way to make this movie more moronic would be if social media existed in its world at the time.* 3 stars with riffing 2 without

Cannon films "Ninja 3: The Domination" *Spunky shinobi, you must avenge me!* 3 stars

Septic Man *Municipal shit-storm* either zero stars for grossness or 3 stars for grossness and surrealness

"The Stuff" a Larry Cohen film starring Michael Moriarty *Ba-da-ba-ba-ba, I'm lovin' it.* 3 stars

Farscape premier episode *Awol from the ratcage.* 3 stars

Garth Marenghi's: Darkplace "The Creeping Moss from the Shores of Shoggoth" *Brocolli from space. I'd thought it had tasted odd.* 3 stars

Albert Pyun's "Omega Doom" starring Rutger Hauer *It's nice to know after we've killed ourselves off, through constant warfare, sentient robots will become gun nuts and start acting out cold war westerns.* 2 1/2 stars

Kenny vs. Spenny: "Who Can Sell More Bibles?" *The Devil is in the details.* 3 stars

Masters of Horror: Clive Barker's "Valerie on the Stairs" *Another bodice-ripper.* 2 stars

"I Spit On Your Grave" uncut 1978 either zero stars or 3 stars

"Beyond the Door" *Paranormal pregnancy with personality.* 3 stars

Twin Peaks: "The Condemned Woman" *Josie and the pine weasels* 2 1/2 stars

Lost and Found Video Night: Vol 7 -- 3 stars

Seinfeld: "The Frogger" *George's high score.* 3 stars

Kolchak, The Night Stalker: "Mr. R.I.N.G." *What's the difference between right and wrong? robot need to know.* 3 stars

Everything is Terrible "The Rise and Fall of God" *Homeschool is the answer.* 3 stars

Roger Corman presents Andrew Stevens' "Subliminal Seduction" featuring Sharknado's Ian Ziering and Critters' Dee Wallace Stone *CD-ROM Inception meets Tommy Wiseau's "The Room" type inept erotic thriller.* 3 stars

David Cronenberg's "eXistenZ" *Jennifer Jason Leigh penetrates Jude Law's port hole in order to play an addictive and twisted version of The Sims.* 3 stars

rifftrax presents "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring" *Butter scraped over too much bread.* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 stars without

"Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone" *Han Solo babysits a brat-pack ginger cutie, Ernie Hudson is Lando, and Michael Ironside is a Darth Humongous who believes that Earth Girls Are Easy.* 3 stars

"Riddick" *Robinson Crusoe machismo* 3 stars

Farscape: "I, E.T." *My name is Mud.* 3 stars

Dominion: pilot episode *Bright light city gonna set my soul on fire.* 2 1/2 stars

"Thor: Dark World" *Science lady Padme pines for Adam of Eternia so that she inadvertently stumbles into the evil fudge and awakens the 9th Doctor Keebler Who causes the realms to converge like ornaments on an imploding Christmas tree.* 3 stars

"Priest" *Paul Bettany's Obi-Wan character is disenchanted with his forced retirement in a Catholic 1984 dystopia and his regret filled dreams lead to the wasteland where his fallen knights of the old republic partner, a cowboy from hell Karl Urban, lurks about with his horde of bloodsucking bandits and xenomorph vampires. A decent cameo from Brad Dourif as a snake oil salesman. This movie's biggest flaw is that it forgets the classic genre work of Sergio Leone, John Carpenter, and George Miller and instead mimmicks the cliche Matrix ripoff style hack work of Paul W.S. Anderson's Resident Evil flicks.* 2 stars

"Scanners 2: The New Order" *If you get inside me, go gently, and easy on the nosebleeds. This kind of telepathic power in the hands of a fascist P.D., no thankee.* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Christmas Special: Charles Band's "Pets" *Inhabits the same universe as other weird, dumb kids' adventure comedies like 'Garbage Pail Kids', 'The Super Mario Bros Movie', 'Ernest Scared Stupid', and 'Problem Child 1 & 2'* 1 1/2 stars

Sami Rami & The Coen Bros present "Crimewave" aka "The XYZ Murders" *Reminiscent of the Three Stooges, classic Mel Brooks, 40s cartoons, humorous Tom Waits song tales, and the original SNL.* 3 stars

Udo Kier in "The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Miss OSbourne' --sexploitation-- *Show me where it hurts. Fill me with hatred. My pleasure is seeing your dead body.* 3 stars

Masters of Horror: "Right to Die" *The crispy, vengeful ghost of Terry Shiavo.* 3 stars

William Lustig's "Vigilante" starring Robert Forster & Fred Williamson *Regular Joe nihilism* 3 stars

rifftrax presents Ridley Scott's "Alien" *H.R. Giger porn on the sattelite of love.* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 without

Josh Brolin is DC's "Jonah Hex" *Sometimes spooky, often dumb B-western that's sadly too gutless to show any blood n grit. Still it might fit into a marathon of 'The Quick and the Dead', 'Five Bloody Graves', 'Navajo Joe', and 'Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter.'* 2 stars

"Rhinestone Cowgirls" 1982 --xxx-- *Easy listenin' and screwin', plus plenty of other prickly situations protruding in Cactus Corner.* 2 stars

Kolchak, The Night Stalker: "Primal Scream" *Unfrozen caveman mauler.* 3 stars

"Shogun Assassin" *Daddy day samurai* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Dino De Laurentiis presents "Orca" *starring Richard Harris as a salty sea-dog, Charlotte Rampling as a sensitive marine biologist, Bo Derek as a sexy shipmate and Shamu snack, plus the indian fella from 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' lending his wisdom by saying things like, "The old ways no longer work. Now, even our gods dance to a new tune."* 2 1/2 stars

"Baron Blood" *Decent dubbing, giallo lite, moody nightscapes, cursed castle, creepy stalking.* 2 1/2 stars

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace: "Illuminatum & Illuminata" *Interviewer: Do you believe in the Horned One? the actor Todd Rivers: You mean the Hoofed One? Interviewer: Yeah.* 3 stars

Beavis & Butthead: "Time Machine" *Butthead: 1832, that's like not now. Beavis: Yeah, aren't we more than that?* 2 1/2 stars

Twin Peaks: "Wounds and Scars" *"A country habit. We are so very trusting."* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Wes Craven's "The People Under the Stairs" *A ghetto version of Twin Peaks' "Black Lodge" where "Hills Have Eyes" type inbred freaks are trapped in the cellar and "Sometimes further in is the only way out." in a twisted Tom & Jerry style game of cat & mouse.* 3 stars

Masters of Horror: "We All Scream for Ice Cream" starring Lee Tergesen, William Forsythe, and the kid from Bad Santa and Eastbound & Down *The Good Humor Man returns from the land of the popsicles to scoop out and dish some cold and sticky revenge.* 3 stars

Gun Fu John Woo and Risky Bidness Tom Cruise present: "Mission Impossible 2" *We've got the cure, we made the disease. Dianetics incorporated.* 3 stars

Tim & Eric present: Bedtime Stories "Hole" *Spitting surreal absurdism sometimes sidetracks the sinister suburban satire.* 2 1/2 stars

MST3K presents: Charles Band's "Laserblast" *Moppy-haired stoner with a muscle-van gets to rain down the fire of the lizard alien gods on his stereotypical 70s burnout and redneck cop enemies in his one horse desert hometown.* 3 stars with riffing 2 without

Farscape: "Exodus from Genesis" *A hot time in the roach maternity ward in the outer reaches of the universe, tonight.* 3 stars

"Saga, Curse of the Shadow" aka "The Shadow Cabal" *Somewhere between Peter Jackson's LOTR and LARPers that run around yelling, "Lightning bolt, lightnight bolt, lightning bolt!" 2 1/2 stars

"Night of the Loving Dangerously" --xxx-- *With the allure of his ever-wanton ex-wife, Traci Lords, private dick, Peter North, is pulled into a web of blackmail involving his ex's new fiance- a perverted CEO with everything to lose, Jamie Gillis, his naughty daddy's girl daughter, and gay son's snooping photographer boyfriend.* 2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: "Poltergeist" *Joe Bob maligns Spielberg's involvement with a Tobe Hooper horor flick, Heather O'Rourke gives me the sads, an 80s kids bedroom is full of nostalgic shit, the mom looks sexy even with a streak of grey hair, there's some kind of message about the sinister nature of suburban sprawl, a sassy medium with a drawl steals the show, and Joe Bob ponders the difference between "Go into the light" & "Stay away from the light."* 3 stars

Lost & Found Video Night Vol. 5 *Hot diggity tallyho* 3 stars

"Purely Physical" 1982 --xxx-- *Schmaltzy motel fornicating where the lovers' lips refuse to move when the pillow talk gets filthy.* 2 1/2 stars

Kolchak, The Night Stalker: "The Trevi Collection" *Fashion victims. Some hilariously bad acting from a witch.* 3 stars

"Gallowwalkers" starring Wesley Snipes *Spaghetti vampire western. The kind of movie Blade 3 should have been.* 3 stars

Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back & Return of the Jedi ---despecialized editions--- *Impressive. Most impressive* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: 1954's U.S. version of "Godzilla" & "Godzilla vs. Mothra" *Tokyo stompin' in a Texas trailer park.* 3 stars

"Manborg" 2011 *Will Ferrell's 'Westworld', Scott Pilgrim vs. Mega City 1, Napoleon Dynamite 2: Judgment Day, Tom Green's 'Total Recall', Jim Carrey's "Battlefield Earth', Sam Raimi's 'Mortal Kombat: Annihilation', Paul Verhoeven's 'Army of Darkness', Patrick Swazy, Jacki Chan, Jake Busey, and Cynthia Rothrock in 'Revenge of the Sith'.* 3 stars

Masters of Horror: Stuart Gordon presents Edgar Alan Poe's "The Black Cat" *Pluto, the little devil.* 2 1/2 stars

rifftrax presents: "The Last Slumber Party" *More potty-mouthed and homophobic than a Wayans Bros. "Horror" "Comedy" "Movie"* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 1 1/2 without

The Outer Limits: George R.R. Martin's "Sandkings" starring Beau & Lloyd Bridges *Red menace* 3 stars

rifftrax presents: "Battlefield Earth" *L. Ron Hubbard's The Passion of the Prometheus as acted out by the rat-brained man-animal, John Travolta.* 2 stars with riffing 1 star without

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Mel Brooks "Spaceballs" 3 stars

rifftrax presents "Fantasic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer" *Fate of world hangs in balance while obnoxious bantering, obnoxious celebrity style wedding is overshadowing focus, obnoxious background extras actors mug for the camera and stare at the pop culture status heroes, obnoxious twirling mustache Dr. Doom villain moments, obnoxious studio thinking Galactus is a stupid concept and yet going through with having his threat to earth being the plot-- leaving us with a cloud of lame spacedust* 1 1/2 stars with riffing 1 star without

Troma presents: Lucio Fulci's "Rome 2072: The New Gladiators" *Televised brutality in a cyber-disco dystopia where the cities of the future are painfully obvious scale models covered in Christmas lights and dirtbikes along with karate chops are still considered pretty badass.* 2 1/2 stars

--- Game of Thrones: Season 3 episode 1

*The inept, pudgy comic relief gets to stumble around in the snow avoiding ice zombies,

the dashing dwarf gets dissed by dear old dad,

the high class pimp positions himself near the daughter of the woman who always shunned his advances,

the would be future queen shows kindess to orphans and gets politely scolded for it,

a crow defects to the king beyond the wall,

a fiery zealot harshly deals with infidels,

a shiprecked war veteran brother puts himself back in harm's way to try to talk sense to his witch's pussy whipped brother,

the king of the north returns to his scorched hometown and imprisons his mum there,

a puppy eyed dragon mama sails with her seasick soldiers and goes shopping for baby slaughtering drone warriors while narrowly escaping creepy child with scorpion assassination attempt.*

3 stars

-------------------------------------------------------

rifftrax' Mike Nelson riffs "Predator" *"Speak mono-Slavic-ally and carry a big stick."* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 without

George Lucas & Ron Howard present: "Willow" *In order to save a red-headed bastard baby, Frodo Skywalker fellowships a force of ragtags including a Han Solo in Pocahontas drag, an indian in the cupboard Kevin Pollack, and a wizard lady trapped by spell in the body of a wombat.* 3 stars

rifftrax presents: "Twilight: New Moon" *A frigid, psycho chick gets dumped by her prissy, older, unhealthy obsession. she then begins having night terrors ruining the sleep of her closet gay lumberjack dad. next, she begins leading a lovesick puppydog around on a leash while getting wreckless on a mopad, attempting suicide for attention and all before going on a sisterhood of traveling pants adventure to a pretentious Anne Rice version of faggy Europe. 1980s teens were awesome. 2000s teens are awful.* 2 stars with riffing 1 star without

---- monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs:

"Slaughter High" aka "April Fool's Day"

*These jokers aint' f-f-f-foolin'. They like their drugs, they like their sex, they like their cruel pranks on nerds.

Unlucky for them, their 10th year class reunion takes place at the now abandoned old high school in the middle of nowhere on a rainy night.

It's the perfect setting for an old dark house horror mixed with Agatha Christie style revenge picture.

This is one of the best episodes of monstervision.

It features a classic 1980s slasher flick, it has the original mail girl, Joe Bob skewers the logic of the TNT censors, and he reads an awkward letter from a male admirer named Rufus.*

3 stars

---------------------------------------------------------------

"A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors" *Freddy flew over the cuckoos' nest* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: "Valerie 23" *Do androids sleep mode with electric wet dreams? 2 be or R2D2? See, I could think of some existential questions to ask my prototype sexbot over a romantic dinner, especially if she were the first sentient being of her kind, and had Hulk strength for no apparently necessary reason.* 2 1/2 stars

Jamie Gillis in "Midnight Heat" 1983 --xxx-- *Rare grime. A gem of a different time. Seedy NYC.* 3 stars

Masters of Horror: "The Washingtonians" *Patriotic blue hairs set their wooden teeth on edge about the disclosure of that rich colonial tradition of chomping on cherry tastin' child flesh.* 2 stars

Farscape: "Throne for a Loss" *Rigel, the royal pain in the rear.* 3 stars

"Hellraiser 2: Hellbound" uncut *The stigmata of Sigmund Freud, from the makers of 'Scratch it, sniff it, squeeze it, suck it,' now available at finer novelty shops.* 3 stars

Twin Peaks: "On the Wings of Love" *Hangover cures, hidden secret half-sister, hallelujah for the hard of hearing, hometown beauty pageant queen hitlist, and hoot owl hieroglypics.* 2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Randy Quaid in "Parents" *A Norman Rockwell painting hanging on the wall behind the desk at the Bates Motel.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: "Blood Brothers" *Twelve immortal monkeys* 2 1/2 stars

"Kill List" 2011 -- *This feels like it could be a Garth Ennis story. It has old mates drinking together and shooting the shite about life. It has acts of extreme violence almost to the point of dark comedy. It has a bleak poignancy. There's also the occult undertones like a Hellblazer comic.* 3 stars

William Hurt in Ken Russell's "Altered States" *Waiting, in a fish-bowl, for Godot.* 3 stars

Kolchak, The Night Stalker: "Chopper" *Stunt motorcycle riding, sword slashing specter with separation anxiety.* 3 stars

Farscape: "Back, and Back, and Back to the Future" *"Psychic Spanish-fly," alien lady combat, genetically structured spy seductress, quantum singularity also known as a blackhole used as a soul saving secret weapon of mass destruction that is seriously in jeopardy of being stolen or accidentally set off."* 3 stars

"The Wind" starring Meg Foster, Wings Hauser, & Steve Railsback *Swept up in stormy solitude and story.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: "The Second Soul" *Lending our dead bodies, like they were used cars, to alien parasites, leads to some serious moral implications. Feels like a 50s style sci fi message about the dangers of multiculturalism given a more progressive twist at the end.* 2 1/2 stars

"Virgin Witch" --sexploitation-- *Prissy Galore throws a feisty spell when a group of dysfunctional devil worshippers decide they really, really fancy her.* 2 1/2 stars

Van Damme / Raul Julia "Streetfighter" *"Who wants to go home, and who wants to go with ME?!" Self aware dumb fun.* 2 1/2 stars

rifftrax' Mike Nelson riffs "xXx" starring Vin Diesel, Samuel L. Jackson, & Asia Argento *Double Ohhh Seven sez, "Do the DEW, dude."* 3 stars with riffing 2 stars without

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scooby-w-blog · 5 years

Text

Recovery Day 3

June 18th 2019

Hard hard hard day. Feeling pretty unwell, bad diahreea, only had the smallest of bowls of pasta! Emotional rollercoaster, missing C and our dog, aching inside about the destruction I have caused to my life and the hurt I have caused. Thinking about my mum and Dad and how if they knew whY was going on they would fly me straight home however I need to be here.

C won’t tell me where she is staying which is killing me as it sends my mind and emotions into dark places where she is already with someone else and tomorrow’s Relate meeting is just a formal way of saying, ‘well see! I can’t do what they want, the relationship is over, it’s so far gone, move out please.

Go down to the dole office at 10 am for a job meeting, the lad Malcolm is canny. He talks bout work, options and that we just need to see this out as I have a new job starting in September. I talk about wanting to work and I mention that I have this fear of starting a basic factory job or Something like that and then walking away as I didn’t like it or the fear just got too much!! I was saying this I started to break down, sobbing while apologising for being daft. And to his credit, he was calm, let the moment settle and began to explain that this was very common,lnfor lots of people so try not to worry. If you get a job like that and it doesn’t work out, they really won’t mind and you just move onto the next thing. That really did help and was wonderfully as far from ‘I William Blake’ as one could get.

After that, called into the addiction with a few questions and to pick some leaflets about coping strategies and telling them I was not feeling too great. They reassured me I would be ok if I followed their advice, go eat lunch, take a walk and pick up 4 3% cans for the evening then have an early night. Thanks, i said and off I went. Decided to go to the barbers at last, canny chat, he’s my regular barber. He asks about life, hows things, wife, job, dog etc. I smile and try not to break down again, it’s only 11am!

Go to costa and have a coffee and a bun, really feel that folk are looking at me as I find I am talking to myself about what’s happened or happening and I am sure I must look pretty angry and strange with intermittent tears. I must be the talk if the town! I head home for no other reason than it is for now, my home and the only place to go.

I am determined to do something positive so knuckle down and complete two job apps, one ideal for my skills and one the factory job I had discussed earlier in the job centre. That felt good, another small step I suppose.

I try again to start sorting and packing my belongings which is oddessey of 12 years of being in love with C. The memories are leaping out of pages, radiating from clothes bought for a previous adventure, books shared by poolsides, meps from treks and climbs around some the worlds mist beautiful places. It gets too hard and I have to stop, bubbling mess again.

Walk 5 miles about 4 pm around the parks and lanes where I normally walk our wonderful little dog to try and take my mind off it all, doesn’t really help, I just miss our dog! Stupid thing to do really!

Get home and try to cook some pasta and don’t feel so good, some shaking, nausea and bad stomach. It’s not changing so call FRANK and tell them my story. The woman is very kind, talks until I am calm, sitting down and tells my straight: ‘Robert, i need you to do something for me, i need you to go to the shop now and buy 4 cans of normal strengths lager, then come home and drink them as normally as possible” I reply, “I really don’t want to drink though”, “Robert, you are alone, you are having withdrawal symptoms and they could get very severe, if you collapse, no one knows where you are, no one will come and I, we don’t want that outcome”.

BOOM!!!!! There it is in all its glory! I am alone, no one will literally know I am here. I am the fucking sad story people read in papers or tell their friends, “ See they didn’t find that fella forn4 days, been dead since Tuesday they reckon” FUCK!

The lady on the phone is right, i pull myself together as best I can and assure her I am going now. She asks me to call friends or C but I can’t do it, friends and family will freak out and I don’t want to look like I am badgering C just to talk or come see me. Especially with the Relate meeting on Thursday.

I go get some beers, sir and watch Tom Cruise save the world on telly and eventually fall asleep.

0 notes

pegasusdragontiger · 7 years

Text

Rules: 1. Always post these rules  2. Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you  3. Write 11 questions of your own  4. Tag 11 people

was tagged by @bjorkshirepudding

1. What’s a song that speaks to your heart no matter how many times you’ve heard it?

I have like too many to count but at the moment Adele from 19-25 and Skyfall on repeat daily and I fucken cry and sob like a baby! Right now WIsh you were her by Pink Floyd omg! One of my favourite characters from a book named Ash! When his wife is away for a few hours or a week he plays this song on acoustic guitar and sings along and it annoys all his friends but omg loving it right now!

2. What’s one thing not many people know about you?

I am nerdy/random/weird/stupid/anxious/worrier. God I worry a lot and anxious about anything and everything. I freak out when an unknown number rings me or private number worry if it is work, people I don’t know. I don’t do well with meeting new people I freak out so bad that I come across as rude and awkward. Phone calls like job interviews are the same I am so awkward I start to worry so much about all these random things and I say the wrong thing. Even with family and relos I just worry a lot and I get myself so anxious I look for reasons not to go i.e. sick or work. I have a party to go to tomorrow and I am so anxious about and worrying about it like I want to go but I don’t want to be ambushed by my aunts like I always am so I am freaking out.

3. How do you deal with stress?

I don’t deal with it like I should, I try and distract myself with reading/movies/ music and I can’t sometimes it works but others it makes it worse and I freak out and have a break down and not sure if my parents know that I am suffering from stress and all that because they tell me I am worrying for nothing, that it will all be fine and it does get better but god I am a wreck when I get one. I have gotten into the habit of not answering the phone as the last time I did my aunt was on and omg the abuse I copped I was like fkn no more so I refuse to and every time the home phone rings I freak and not answer it even if it is like 2cms away from me! So, in other words I don’t actually take the time for me to find that inner balance and peace to handle the stress episode.

4. If you had to be stranded on an island with someone, who would you want it to be?

Oh, so many to choose from but I would say Chris Evans and like pray to god we fell in love is that too weird or corny?? Or someone that falls in love with me but for me not what’s on the outside but what I have inside and I would love them to the end of time!

5. What’s your favorite color?

Dark Blue/Dark Green the Green is so dark it looks black or a dark blue and in the sun you get this gorgeous colour. The colours looks good on me so I love wearing them suits my eye colour and hair.

6. Do you speak any languages other than your native one?

I wish I can speak like a few words on Jap, French and German but not fluently to save my ass!!

7. Are you a coffee drinker?

No I have tried but what I noticed is that as soon as I finished a cup I’d go and get more and more and I was like hang on no no no! Plus the amount of sugar I put in it to make it taste nice, So I stick to my iced/hot chocolate.

8. What are your thoughts on Tom Cruise?

EWEEWEWEWW! Those are my thoughts omg I remember watching years ago for the first time Days of Thunder and saying this is just crap/ then saw top gun which was again crap. Then saw that movie that he did Cocktails omg what a hunk of junk the only good thing in that movie was Bryan Brown! Saw that spy movie he did with Cameron Diaz omg that was a fkn waste of money! I am so sorry if there are TC fans but honestly I have had arguments with my sis who is 4 yrs older than me she adores him and I fkn hate him and will to the day I die. Most overrated Actor ever Like I love and adore Hugh Jackman/Chris Evans/Robert Downey/Bryan Brown.

9. What time is it where you are?

9.26am now and Autumn and it is fkn cold! Freezing.

10.What’s your favorite thing about Tumblr?

That would be @littleplebe nagged me enough that I caved and bit the bullet and signed up and finding all my fave authors from Ao3 on here and trying not to freak them out so much by following them which kind of feels like stalking but I am told by the lovely @littleplebe that it is not and to continue lol.

11.What made you decide to follow me (or follow me back)?

When I found out you are one of my favourite authors I had to follow you, you are not just funny, but come across as a gorgeous human being. So wise and I love your look on life and you inspire me to be myself and not you everyone wants me to be! So I am so glad I am following you! ❤ xooxox

I tag @avaalons @ariallane @allaboutevans @captainevans @glynnisi @goody2shoessmut @thelookingglassalice @thelookingglassalice @the-avengers-initiative99 @leftennant @emilyevanston

My 11 quetsions

1) Favourite or dream job?

2) Favourite lyric and why? like for me “We are just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year”

3) Do you play a musical instrument? for me I can play Piano a little.

4) Your spirit animal and why?

5) Favourite movie?

6) Least or most hated movie?

7) Favourite Book series/Author and why?

8) Favourite Hobby?

9) Favourite food?

10) One thing you regret?

11) What do you love doing everyday?

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murfeelee · 7 years

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Bang, Marry, or Kill: Disney Princes

I was organizing my downloads from @silsharkie84’s Disney uploads, and it got me thinking about a conversation I had with someone once about which Disney princes I’d Bang, Marry, or Kill.

And since I have nothing better to do with my life, I decided to make this post.

KILL

Let’s just get the annoying ones out of the way. I would totally kill, because these guys got on my g-d nerves:

10: John Smith (Pocahontas) - freaking bigot. Totally foreshadowed Mel Gibson’s racist-a** tirades. Not only that, but they completely romanticize his story and his FACE, cuz RL John Smith was NOT that fine. At all. I’d totally Marry John Rolfe though; I liked the sequel, I don’t care. At least Pocahontas actually married Rolfe IRL. I doubt she and troll-face Smith were banging IRL though. Unless he raped her, which wouldn’t surprise me. Anyway, he’s not even royalty! He and Pocahontas didn’t even stay together in the cartoon, why is he considered a Disney Prince, the hell?

9: Prince Charming (Cinderella) - the man was useless. His castle’s the most interesting thing about him -- and everyone calls it Cinderella’s Castle anyways, so nya-nya. Freaking tool. I mean, how are you so “in love“ with this chick, yet you don’t even BOTHER with asking her name, her address, her zodiac sign...NOTHING. A few dances and you know you don’t know the first thing about Cinderella, but you wanna marry her? Then you couldn’t even be effed to hunting her down yourself -- as if she’s the only wench in the kingdom who wears Size 6 shoes. Would’ve served him right if Lady Tremaine’s feet fit in them just fine! XP (I LOVE Shrek’s Prince Charming though! Totally Bang him! XD)

8: Naveen (Princess & the Frog) - jfc, I’d take Dr. Facilier over this guy; Keith David’s the best. Disney just HAD to go and make their first black human prince an idiot though. Yeah, Naveen’s hella pretty, but he’s broke, shiftless, a frikkin frog for a good chunk of the movie, and did I mention he’s an idiot? I see you, Disney. <_<

HONORABLE MENTION: Prince Hans (Frozen) - THIS SNAAAAAKE! Omg I did NOT see that coming! I would have MARRIED him! Omgomgomg; that was the best part of the whole show, next to that song people won’t let go of. (Pfft) I don’t like Kristoff at all, but THIS mofo...? KILL. On SIGHT. Before it’s too late!

Bang

7: Eugene (Tangled) - possibly the funniest and most fully realized prince (consort) Disney ever made. But the man’s a total clown. I could never take a guy like that seriously. I’M a total clown! I know clowns when I see them! We’d probably have some booze-induced romp and wake up hungover the next day, freak the eff out, and solemnly vow to NEVER mention what happened for as long as we both shall live, amen, pass the toothpaste.

6: Prince Eric (Little Mermaid) - Eric is actually the hottest Disney Prince -- MALE, Period -- I think they ever made. Totally swoon-worthy. And his castle is swaaanky~! But ISTG this Judas has zero sense, and is just as vapid as Prince Charming. You were barely conscious and this girl dragged your guppy butt out of the freaking ocean, and you barely got a good glimpse of her, but you’re ready to devote the rest of your useless life to finding her, rather than getting with the perfectly adorable (though albeit mute) chick WHO IS THE SAME REDHEAD YOU’RE LOOKING FOR YOU BLIND FOOL?!?! Omg spare me. Ursula/Vanessa didn’t even have red hair! So, yeah, he’s an idiot. But a hot one. 10/10, would do again.

5: Prince Ali/Aladdin (Aladdin) - if you’re gonna be a broke street rat, at least be the best street rat, y’know? Aladdin was probably the smartest Disney prince EVER. A bit of a liar, so we’d have to work on that “Do You Trust Me~~” shtick, but yeah. He just had a rough life (thanks to his jerkface SEXY BAMF daddy, Cassim, the King of Thieves, who I would immediately Bang, but not Marry, since Cassim ditched his wife to go treasure hunting and she died and Aladdin had to grow up an orphan all those years, the eff, frikkin scrub). But Aladdin’s freaking cute, so if I was some lonely street ratress I’d tap that. Even though I was squicked out when I heard that Disney based Aladdin’s face on Tom effing Cruise, which made me vomit a bit in my mouth. But yeah.

HONORABLE MENTION: Phoebus (Hunchback of Notre Dame) - He’s not a prince since Esmeralda’s not a princess, but he was hot, and up until Tangled I thought he was the funniest love interest Disney had. I loved his antics with his horse Achilles, and his general reactions to the shenanigans going on in that abysmally underrated show. I can’t decide if I’d just Bang him or Marry him, cuz he made me feel so bad for Quasimodo, who I would certainly Marry. But Phoebus is definitely getting Banged.

MARRY

4: The Prince (Ferdinand/Florian) (Snow White) - The original True Love’s Kiss. We know next to nothing about this dude and his magic lips, but you know what? The woodland animals liked him, and the dwarves liked him (and they hate everybody), and Snow White liked him, so I like him too. And he dressed really well, so he was probably loaded.

3: Prince Phillip (Sleeping Beauty) - I know Sleeping Beauty’s my favorite Disney film EVER, but Phil only barely gets a pass into my Top 3/4, and that’s mostly because 1: anyone who can defeat MY BISH Maleficent is a BAMF, and 2: I liked his scenes with his horse Samson -- which were interestingly enough lampshaded with Eugene and Maximus, AND Phoebus and Achilles -- I see you, Disney! But other than that I thought he was just alright. I didn’t hate him. And 3: I love his impromptu “duet” with Aurora in Once Upon a Dream; dude could sing.

2: The Beast/Prince Adam - I'm just gonna come out and say it: Is it just me, or was this dude sexier as The Beast than he was as a human? O_O

Awwww yeeeah.... I’m sorry, maybe I need to pray for my soul a little bit, but I’m just saying. Beauty and the Beast might just be the greatest Disney cartoon of all time, IMO. The Beast was freaking COOL, fighting packs of wolves and nonsense to save his bae. Also, his castle was THE BEST. Oh, so Cinderella’s castle has a ballroom -- EFF that wack-a** ballroom! The Beast’s was WAY better! It’s GOLD PLATED! He’s got enchanted servants on standby and feasts with FRENCH CHEFS and everything! Not to mention, it’s got a LIBRARY. AND there’s a dungeon. Talk about GRAVITAS. The Beast would totally go medieval on someone, I love it. Belle’s over there crying and mess. I’d be like HALLELUJAH, such a step up from Gaston~~! ^0^ The wild part is that apparently the whole story is supposed to symbolize arranged marriages, where the bride is terrified of her seemingly “beastly“ stranger of a husband, but over time gets to know him and realizes he’s not a complete and total douchelord. Just 75% douche and 25% lord. Which is way better than Gaston’s 100% doucheness, amirite.

HONORABLE MENTION: Kocoum (Pocahontas) - I kid you not, I rage-cried when Kocoum died. This SEXY HALF-NEKKID WARRIOR WITH TATTS OMFG TAKE ME NOOOW! Pocahontas was a complete IDIOT; I’d Marry his #FOINE behind and give him an effton of babies! Sexy warrior babies! *shrill battle cry* That was the most aggravating death ever, Disney. What a waste of good genes.

#1: LI SHANG (Mulan) - I would bite this man. I bought that crappy straight-to-video sequel just so I could keep staring at Li Shang, I’m not even lying. He was fully realized, hot as all get out, could kick the tastebuds out of the Huns, had THE BEST SONG Disney ever gave a dude, and I’m sure I said he was hot, right? Well, it bears repeating. Marry. Wed. Espoused. Eloped. Mated. Bonded. Holy Matrimony. SINFUL Matrimony. Everything. We’re doing it all! SIGN. ME. UP.

Lawd have all the mercy. Make whatever you frikkin want out of me, Shang! (*3*)/

So, how about y’all? Which cartoon characters are y’all pervving over?

#nonsims #non-sims #Disney #questionnaire #RANT ALERT #mini rant

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busines303-blog · 5 years

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Universal's 'Dark Universe' is franchise filmmaking at its very laziest

New Post has been published on https://howtobuyfranchises.com/must-see/universals-dark-universe-is-franchise-filmmaking-at-its-very-laziest/

Universal's 'Dark Universe' is franchise filmmaking at its very laziest

Tom Cruise waits for something, anything, interesting to happen in The Mummy.

Image: Universal Pictures

Blame it on Marvel.

Ever since The Avengers proved there was big money in the “shared universe” model, every studio’s tried to launch their own, with varying degrees of success. The latest attempt kicks off with The Mummy, the first in a whole “Dark Universe” of interlocking movies.

Too bad it’s freaking terrible.

SEE ALSO: ‘The Mummy’ gets wrapped in savage reviews and buried alive

The Mummy is the kind of movie critics are thinking of when we complain about the soulless sameness of big-budget blockbusters but without even the saving grace of basic competence. As the scathing reviews and limp box office numbers have made clear, it’s a misfire on just about every level.

While that’d be disappointing enough if it were meant to stand on its own, it’s downright dispiriting when viewed as the first building block in a franchise that Universal is hoping will be their answer to the MCU or the DCEU.

If there’s a silver lining, though, it maybe that The Mummy is so bad it’s perversely kind of useful as a step-by-step guide in how not to build a cinematic universe.

Don’t cast an A-list star if you’re just going to waste him

What kind of movie puts Tom Cruise in a Jake Johnson role?

Image: Universal Pictures

Universal’s strategy for the Dark Universe looks reasonable enough in theory: A-list stars + existing IP = profit. But that equation crumbles very quickly.

Tom Cruise should be The Mummy‘s biggest asset. He’s a household name who’s got charisma in spades, and his daredevil streak spurs him to do things like shoot an entire action scene in zero gravity. Certainly he’s the most famous actor in the cast, which also includes Sofia Boutella, Jake Johnson, and Annabelle Wallis.

In fact, though, he’s The Mummy‘s most glaring misstep. Cruise is wildly miscast as Nick, starting with his age: Nick seems to have been written for an actor 15-20 years younger than Cruise, who is 55. When Mr. Hyde, played by 53-year-old Russell Crowe, refers to Nick as a “younger man,” it’s unintentionally hilarious and a little bit pathetic.

Cruise fails to pull off the “lovable asshole” vibe that Nick calls for, in part because of the age issue and in part because the character is just thinly written there’s nothing to him but plot mechanics. You know it’s bad when a Tom Cruise role seems like it would have been better suited for 39-year-old Johnson, who is relegated here to playing Cruise’s funny sidekick.

True, Cruise is likely to sell more tickets than Johnson, particularly in international territories. But The Mummy needs more than a strong opening weekend it needs to be appealing enough to make fans return for sequels and spinoffs. In that light, The Mummy‘s decision to waste an actor of Cruise’s caliber (and price tag) in a role that’s clearly wrong for him is especially baffling.

Don’t lose sight of your vision

Even The Mummy’s highly touted zero-gravity stunt is totally unmemorable.

Image: Universal Pictures

Then again, maybe it wasn’t always obvious Cruise was bad for The Mummy, because it wasn’t always obvious what The Mummy was supposed to be. If anyone, at any point, ever had a clear vision for The Mummy, it’s been muddled beyond recognition on the way to the screen. What remains is a hodgepodge of tones, influences, and concepts halfheartedly tossed together and poured into a generic blockbuster mold.

It’s a given that Universal Pictures was hoping the Dark Universe would make them lots of money. What’s harder to see is what else the studio thought this franchise would do. Did they have something to say about monsters or humans or the concept of evil? Did they want the Dark Universe to be funny, or scary, or exciting? Were they hoping moviegoers would fall in love with the characters, or get drawn into the mythos, or be wowed by the stunt work?

The Mummy hits at a time when Wonder Woman, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, Alien: Covenant, and King Arthur: Legend of the Sword are all still in theaters. What was supposed to make The Mummy stand out in that landscape? Why should a moviegoer choose The Mummy over any of those?

I don’t have a good answer for that question, and I’m not sure Universal does either. The Mummy isn’t be the worst would-be tentpole in recent memory, but it’s one of the least inspired. Put it this way: even Suicide Squad had a clearer vision, as ugly and sloppy as it was.

Don’t assume audiences love all existing IP equally

Loved the old Mummy movies? Here’s a totally different Mummy who has nothing to do with those!

Image: Universal Pictures

Universal may not have known what they wanted to do with The Mummy, but they definitely knew the property had made money for them in the past. It’s been part of the studio’s stable since the 1930s, and although the Brendan Fraser films of the 1990s and early 2000s weren’t universally acclaimed, they’ve picked up a devoted following over the years.

But if they thought the popularity of past Mummy movies would translate into financial success for this one, they were wrong.

The Mummy isn’t like Batman or Spider-Man it’s not the kind of brand-name character so beloved that it’s guaranteed to draw in moviegoers no matter what. Even if it were, that wouldn’t necessarily help 2017’s The Mummy, since this version of the monster has little in common with the other versions of the monster. (For starters, she is a princess, not a male priest.)

Universal isn’t the only studio prioirtizing existing IP over original concepts, and it’s true that a familiar brand name can make an expensive movie an easier sell. But even the strongest brand names have to earn the audience’s affection, especially if they’re hoping to lure them back for sequels.

Just ask Warcraft or Assassin’s Creed, which bombed in the U.S. last year despite being based on massively popular games. Or, conversely, look at how the incredible buzz generated by Star Wars: The Force Awakens has translated into excitement for Rogue One and The Last Jedi, even after the disappointment of the prequel trilogy.

The Mummy, on the other hand, seems to assume that the combination of Tom Cruise and a vaguely familiar title will be enough. It doesn’t really try to do anything original with the property, or even to remind people why they liked the old Mummy movies in the first place.

Don’t prioritize the franchise ahead of the movie

What are you even doing here, Russell Crowe?

Image: Universal Pictures

If The Mummy doesn’t spend enough time trying to sell you on The Mummy, though, it spends way too much time trying to set up the Dark Universe.

To be fair, not all of The Mummy‘s faults can be chalked up to its position as the first in a franchise. It’d be incoherent and dull even if it were meant to serve as a standalone film. But references to Prodigium and Dr. Jekyll don’t make The Mummy more fun. They just add more complications to an already unnecessarily convoluted plot.

Dark Universe is trying to borrow a page from the Marvel playbook by launching an interlocking universe of marquee characters. But Marvel was wise enough to realize that filmgoers wouldn’t return for Iron Man 2 or Captain America or Thor unless Iron Man was strong on its own, and to realize that each individual component had to be interesting enough to make audiences curious to see them together.

The Mummy spends a lot of time and energy establishing Prodigium for the sake of future films, when it would’ve been better off using those resources to make The Mummy a better movie. It’s not enough to promise moviegoers that the two hours of movie they just sat through will pay off in another year or two or three, when the sequel arrives. They have to pay off now, so that moviegoers will have faith they’ll pay off even bigger dividends later.

Don’t announce a gazillion movies before the first one works

*exhausted sigh*

Image: Universal Pictures

Oh, and on a related note: Maybe don’t give audiences the opportunity to suffer franchise fatigue before the franchise even properly gets going.

In the weeks leading up to The Mummy‘s release, Universal announced the launch of Dark Universe with much fanfare. A press release included a glossy photo of the leads, and the film itself was prefaced in theaters by an animated logo and a theme song meant to make clear that, yes, you are witnessing the birth of the Dark Universe franchise. In retrospect, that feels more like a threat than a promise.

What’s especially mind-boggling about this latest misfire is that this isn’t even the first time in recent memory that Universal has tried and failed to reboot their classic horror properties.

Before The Mummy, 2014’s Dracula Untold was intended to kickstart a shared universe of Universal monster movies. The studio was so adamant on making it happen, in fact, that a new epilogue was shot to facilitate Vlad’s entry into that franchise. After the film flopped, however, Universal quietly repositioned The Mummy as the start of the Dark Universe, erasing Dracula Untold from that continuity.

Why, then, did Universal think half-assing the Dark Universe again would be good enough?

You may have forgotten about Dracula Untold, Universal, but we haven’t.

Image: Universal / Legendary / Michael de luca productions

Presumably, Universal believed that announcing the Dark Universe before The Mummy even opened would project confidence: here is a movie so good, the studio’s ready to go with a bunch of others before the first one is in theaters!

But at a time when every big-budget movie is touted as having “franchise potential,” there’s nothing special about that. Instead, the Dark Universe announcement feels like putting the cart before the horse. Frankly, it’s exhausting to consider the prospect of four or five or a dozen more of these leaden, unimaginative films.

There’s still time for the Dark Universe to turn things around. Maybe the next film (2019’s Bride of Frankenstein) will be good enough to wash out the bad taste left behind by The Mummy. Perhaps Frankenstein or The Invisible Man will bolster the brand even further, so that in a few years’ time, The Mummy will look like an unfortunate anomaly for an otherwise excellent franchise, rather than a prime example of its creative bankruptcy.

But all of that can only happen if Universal takes to heart the lessons it needs to learn from this latest failure. And winning moviegoers will be that much harder now that we’ve already been let down once by The Mummy.

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